Reader's Digest October 2012

ReadersDige

NHS—OR PRIVATE?

When's it worth paying for healthcare?

See p52

BRITAIN'S BEST STATELY HOMES

MEET THE INCREDIBLES

Three people who wouldn't let disability get in their way

RETURN OF THE 100-WORD STORY!

Can you write a (very short) winner?

THE WORLD'S ODDEST COMPETITIONS

HOW TO...

Back a winner

Pay less tax Add value to your home Beat wi-fi cons PLUS Paddy Ashdown lain Banks

OCTOBER EXTRACTS

Flirty dancing—the Jane Austen way by Susannah Fullerton

A history of TV sport by Martin Kelner

Open up a whole new world of travel with Digest HOUDIN

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Run your fingers over intricate mosaic tiles in Moorish palaces. Lose yourself in the cobblestone lanes of Pueblos Blancos. See North Africa's glittering coastline from rippling mountain slopes. Welcome to go-slow Andalucia. Warm hospitality. welcome bursts of sunshine and fascinating history are on tap as you explore this delightful Mediterranean island from your seafront, 4-star hotel Once-flourishing ancient cities, picturesque harbours, insightful museums and mysterious monasteries will all vie for your attention.

Pastel-coloured villages clinging to cliffs, spine-tingling sea views from zigzagging coastal roads and scented gardens that sweep down to shimmering sands. Explore Europe's most photogenic scenery on the elegant Amalfi Coast.

China's famed sights might be the highlights on this epic tour But it's also about sipping lasmine tea in fragrant teahouses. uncovering age-old treasures and stepping into classical gardens with elaborate rockeries and ornamental ponds.

There are more fantastic holidays in our encloseu brochure

more than just a piece of furniture

The sofa is the heart of a million and one homes. The place where so much of life goes on, from watching to weeping, slouching to snoozing, and everything in between. So for the last 42 years we've been doing more to make our sofas as good as they can be. Every one is handmade to order and comes with a free 10 year guarantee, as well as an affordable price and comfortable ways to pay. rtiat gma you peace of mind.

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Digest

"Meeting the crew who put the Antiques Roadshow together, as well as the front-ofhouse 'specialists', was a real privilege," says journalist Andrea Kon.

Valuable antique or cute trinket?— see p44

"It was great to photograph Matt Rhodes and his guide dog Karlo," says Mark McNulty. "How the brain works and how people overcome their problems never ceases to amaze me."

11

"With so many displays of grieving and celebrating on bad TV reality programmes," says writer Ray Connolly, "we're in danger of becoming a nation of insincere phonies."

•

Reasons to Be Cheerful,

Part 23

Stories featured on the

Coming to terms with cover are shown in red

the past can transform your life, says James Brown a0 Fiona Bruce on ageing, embarrassing her kids and leaving it all behind to go trekking in the Andes

On the Road! What makes the Antiques Roadshow one of Britain's best-loved programmes? We go behind the scenes to find out

Should You Go Private? We examine the pros and cons of paying for healthcare

The World's Weirdest Competitions The Olympics may have stirred our passion for different sports, but you won't see these on TV anytime soon

The Incredibles Three people who are putting their dreams ahead of their disabilities

Paddy Ashdown: "I Remember" The former leader of the Lib Dems tells us what makes him cry

7H 100-Word Story Our ultra-short-story competition is back—write a tiny tale and you could win £1,000!

Anatomy of a Drug Bust How Liverpool police shut down one of the UK's biggest crack factories

Best of British: Stately Homes Our pick of Britain's most beautiful country houses

The Maverick: "We Need to Show Less Emotion, Not More"argues Ray Connolly

For anyone with a tendency to hoard (er, me), the Antiques Roadshow is one of the prime justifications for hanging on to anything from Aunt Flo's greenand-purple china, to 173 dust-covered cassette tapes, and Egon Ronay eating-out guides from the 1980s. We could be talking serious money here, folks! But while the Roadshow is one of the BBC's most enduringly popular programmes, I don't think it's all just about the hope of making a quick buck on something that's been lurking in the attic for years. There's also a compelling warmth and camaraderie as people share their life stories and experiences. We've been finding out some of the behind-the-scenes secrets, both about the programme and its presenter—this month's cover star—Fiona Bruce. More on page 40!

WRITE ON...

Send us your stories, jokes and letters—if we publish, we pay!

WE PAY

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Travel and Gardening

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HITSRED,& BCEIS MY COL

WHEN COLOURS MEAN THIS MUCH YOU CAN ONLY TRUST THEM TO AR/EL

PROUD KEEPER OF GREAT BRITAIN'S COLOUR

Jeanette Kwakye Sprinter

This month's podcasts... TURN TRASH INTO CASH!

Our finance expert Jasmine &dies (below left) tells you how at readersdlgest.co.uk/magazine

10 SURPRISING FACTS ABOUT ALCOHOL

Go to readersdlgest.co.uk/magazine to hear RD health editor Susannah Hickling discuss the good and the bad about alcohol.

PLUS: We've just launched an interactive iPad version of our famous DIY Manual. Go to the Apple iBookstore for a FREE introductory download.

CHECK OUT our other fabulous apps, too! Go to the iTunes music store to download our magazine iPad app and our walking app. Visit our online shop for over 1,000 great books, gifts, jewellery, bargains and more!

WHEN YOU WEAR DENTURES, FOOD CAN TURN INTO AN ENEMY.

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OVER TO YOU...

EMAILS, LETTERS, TWEETS AND FACEBOOK

£30 FOR EACH PUBLISHED LETTER, £15 FOR SHORTER EXTRACTS, £50 FOR THE LETTER OF THE MONTH!

SEE P6 FOR MORE DETAILS

LETTER OF THE MONTH

I enjoyed your item on Pontcysyllte Aqueduct in "Best of British: Landmarks", but I'd correct you on the statement, "If the timing is right, drivers can spot a horse-drawn boat on the water above their cars." Sadly, horse-drawn boats have been banned from using the aqueduct for some time, on Health and Safety grounds—even though that was the reason for building the towing path in the first place! As the president of a trust that operates the restored horse-drawn Shropshire Union fly-boat Saturn, which regularly traded over the aqueduct in its working life, I do find this somewhat frustrating.

I thought you might also be interested in this picture of the Saturn carrying the Olympic torch over Pontcysyllte Aqueduct back in May.

Harry Arnold, Burton upon Trent, Staffordshire

SIGHTS TO BEHOLD

I noticed that you included Samson and Goliath, the Belfast shipyard cranes, in your list of landmarks, but I'd suggest that the Finnieston Crane in Glasgow is a more impressive structure.

This 175-foot-high edifice, built in 1932, stands on the Clyde like a giant piece of Meccano, towering above the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre. It's an amazing feat of engineering, and provides a wonderful contrast to the ultra-modern buildings that surround it.

Gordon Rennie, Glasgow

I'm surprised you don't know that the towers at Ratcliffeon-Soar power station belch forth nothing more than steam —not "smoke", as your article claimed. These are the cooling towers, after all.

All combustion plants built after 1987 must comply with the emission limits in the Large Combustion Plant Directive, and Ratcliffe is fully compliant with this requirement.

Lorna Pope, Leeds

RD: Thanks to the readers who pointed this out, and apologies for the error. ►

"Speak later, I'm just going through a tunnel"

LORDING IT OVER

Your "Lords of the Manor" piece was a fascinating read. With media and government queueing up to take a pop at council-house tenants, it's almost amusing that there are old-fashioned landed gentry—representatives of the feudal system with all its evils and inequalities —who take better care of their "subjects".

Maybe they should offer lessons to councils and policy wonks. Centuries of experience versus the latest bit of "blue-sky thinking"?

I know which one I'd choose!

Jeremy Davies, Hertfordshire

CURBING CARS

it was interesting to read in your Motoring column that the lOmph UK speed limit

was introduced in 1965 after a series of accidents. I seem to recall that the main reason was to save fuel as a result of an oil crisis in the Middle East. Fuel rationing was also considered, I believe.

Donald MacGregor, Aberdeen

RD: Although the speed limit was introduced in 1965, a temporary 50mph limit was imposed on all roads in Britain during the 1973 oil crisis.

WONDERS OF NATURE

In anticipation of the Olympic Games, I was running races in the garden with my children when August's Reader's Digest arrived. We were fascinated by "Animal Athletes"—especially the immense leap of a South African sharp-nosed frog. We measured the distance ►

rll,p sietr

YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT...

"A Wighter Shade of Green", Amanda Riley's feature about the Ecolsland Partnership in the Isle of Wight

• This article just shows what can be achieved by a group of like-minded individuals working towards a carbonneutral island. A heartwarming read. Jill Philips, Sussex

• More than half of the Isle of Wight is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, and it's no wonder the locals want to keep it that way. I really admire their efforts to make it self-sufficient.

Rachelle Harding, Cambridgeshire

• Your feature states that Andrew Palmer "got an engineer to try to adapt a car to run on a combination of air and petrol". Well, there's nothing new there—that's precisely what all modern cars run on!

John Clayton, Kent

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• out and tried to compete, but it was no contest!

My kids have gained respect for human athletes through the Olympics, and now, thanks to your magazine, they admire the animal equivalents, too.

Abigail Watkins, Derbyshire

SIMPLE WISDOM

I agree with all the issues raised by Denise Robertson in "If I Ruled the World", especially her point about common sense —when she talks about how to solve our housing problems, you wonder why no one in government has thought of it. As for her love of animals, the old saying "never trust anyone who hates animals and children" still holds true!

Alys Slater, Dorset

A QUICK LEARNER

As the sun eventually shone mmer—in what has to be the wettest drought in history— we decided to potty train our two-yearold boy. In just three days, we were congratulating him on his timing and bladder control. A child genius then, with one flaw—he wouldn't use the potty, only the toilet.

Two days later, we found out the reason why. As the picture above shows, he takes after his father!

Steve George, Wiltshire

"COME AGAIN?"

• "...Tyre blew up on motorway. Changed tyre. One week later, car blew up..."

• "...Rum Baba? A delicious pudding, but why not a child conceived during a dinner party, or an odd-looking child..."

• "...Whoever coined the phrase older and wiser had obviously never met me—or Winston Churchill for that matter..."

• "...Please can I ask for more on breasts? And I intend sending some African jokes for publishing..." [That was the whole email]

WHAT ARE YOUR TIPS FOR ri lMIPMZMPF

How quickly the festive season comes around! Suddenly, there are pressies to buy, cards to write, food to cook, and estranged relatives to deal with. How on earth to cope? If ' ; Christmas <tratt qtt we'd 1, love to hear from you. It could be a time-saving recipe, a decorating method, or a cunning way of keeping the peace—any and all tips are welcome, so get thinking! Please send your tips to xcerpts a readersdigest.co.uk by October 5. We'll pay £ 50 for every one we publish.

We're also on the lookout for exciting, amusing or terrifying stories that have affected your festivities, as well as embarrassing, dated or downright , from Christmases gone by. Please email all contributions to the address above—you could be appearing in our December issue!

May interest you in one of the special moments range? A range of tasty everyday teas, specially pressed to match your every mood.

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YOUR SHORT, SHARP GUIDE TO OCTOBER

IN CINEMAS

Private Peaceful After the success of War Horse, it was on the cards that we'd soon get another Michael Morpurgo novel on the big screen. This doesn't disappoint—and occupies similar territory to its equine cousin.

Brothers Tommo and Charlie Peaceful volunteer to fight in the Great War, though Tommo's not even 16. Charlie is his best friend and rival, since they love the same girl, Molly.

The leads are virtual unknowns, but Jack O'Connell as Charlie is particularly fine: all teenage swagger and courage

The supporting cast includes a saintly Maxine Peake, a villainous Richard Griffiths and a glorious Frances de la Tour. One small tip—it's harrowing at times, so take children only if they're sturdy.

Liberal Arts

Jessie is in his mid-30s, and has never got over how much he loved college. After a return trip

Josh Radnor and Elizabeth Olsen in Liberal Arts

Carefree spirits: Charlie (Jack O'Connell) woos Molly (Alexandra Roach)

Author and BBC2 Review

Show critic Natalie Haynes on the new releases

• to celebrate his old professor' retirement, he finds himself torn between his grown-up life in New York and the life he never wanted to leave behind on campus.

The film wears its influences with pride—if it had been made 15 years ago, American indie director Richard Linklater would've directed it. Even Zibby's college room has the look of a 1990s hipster student's digs. But its a sweet film, which reminds us that advantages of youth are balanced by the experiences of age.

DVDS

Hooneiso Kingdom

A quirky, warmhearted tale of true love, blue eyeshadow. and camping skills.

Cosmopolis

David Cronenberg directs Robert Pattinson in this stark adaptation of Don Delillo's novel.

Technology expert and Answer Me This! podcaster

Oily Mann reveals the latest must-haves

Monster Inspiration

Noise-Cancelling headphones, ' Technology typically evolves thinner and lighter, but small ain't cool when it comes to earphones. Monster have learned this lesson—their new high-end phones feature huge interchangeable headbands, so you can walk around displaying Union Jack print today or a subtler snakeskin look tomorrow. The rectangular earcups are nicely cushioned, sound quality is stellar and there's pleasingly little leak.

AND CHECK OUT..

FrancisFrancis! X7.1 Coffee Maker. £199

The only coffee machine so beautiful it's easily confused with a 1950s Cadillac.

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.44

f9 gr Putting the "tech" in "tectonic", this interactive app from the Natural History Museum lets you explore the great events of earth's evolutionary past. Epic.

tS Tini-Copter Micro RC, Why would you need an indoor-only, remote-controlled miniature helicopter that takes ages to master? 0, reason not the need!

Investing your time to achieve precision flight with this

itty-bitty flying machine is worth it just to show off to your friends and colleagues, who will invariably fly it straight into the wall. The craft docks into the controller to charge, and it's all powered by AAA batteries so there's no complicated set up. Neat.

BBC 6 Music's Stuart Maconie's pick of the recent releases

The Darkness: they're not entirely serious

Babel by Mumford and Sons

Think if Bob Dylan had gone to boarding school. Preview tracks from this album are thin on the ground, but would seem to indicate a development of the band's debut Sigh No More rather than a radical sidestep into gangsta rap. And why would they tamper with a formula that saw them ensnare the US (only Adele of their fellow Brits has fared bettered there) with their plaintive artisan folk rock?

Hot Cakes by The Darkness

'link if Kiss had come from ..owestoft... and been funnier. You'd need a heart of stone not to be a little delighted by the return of The Darkness. The hair-metal oddities burst onto the mid-noughties scene with such wit and selfdeprecating chutzpah that you'd forgive them anything. Then they imploded, but the time is ripe for this comeback —silly, noisy, very British. How can you not love a band who sing, "I wanted to be a doctor/I wanted to be a vet/ Until I heard 'Communication Breakdown' on a TDK D90 cassette"?

High Land, Hard Rain (Expanded Edition) by Aztec Camera

Think a teenage Bob Dylan in Gregory's Girl. Back in the early 1980s, one of indie music's golden boys was a precocious Glaswegian youth called Roddy Frame. He traded as Aztec Camera and combined a punkish edge with the country/folk stylings of 1960s California. Despite some unfortunate, modishly slick production touches, this debut album is still an absolute treasure —enigmatic, romantic, and positively glowing with promise and self-belief. ►

Badminton International Series, Erbil, Iraq, ;J:.to:),.tio z I. A prize fund of £3,000 and a less-than-entirely-glamorous location may not attract top stars such as charisma-dripping Olympic champ Lin Dan of China (pictured above), the undisputable Schubert of the shuttlecock. But if you're in the Iraq area in mid-October, pop by to watch an underrated sport of craft, speed and goose feathers.

Barcelona v Real Madrid, Camp Nou, oLtuuer i. This season's first La Liga meeting of the two immovable megaliths of Spanish football promises to be another compelling showdown.

Real wrested the title from their Catalan rivals last season, despite Barca's Argentinian

ON

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month's action

wonder-wizard Lionel Messi making goalscoring look as easy as picking out a hedgehog in a display of watermelons. Expect managerial mayhem from Mourinho, and friends from the Spanish national team treating each other like unwanted birthday balloons that they're trying to pop with their studs.

AN 'T MISS...

Horse of the Year, October 3. Prix de l'Arc de Triomphe, Paris, October 7 Japanese Fl Grand Prix, Suzuka, October 7. .0■111111■11111111=1111111

October 2 Classic BRIT awards 2012. October 3-7 Nottingham Goose Fair. October 7 Read for RNIB day (readforrnib.org.uk). October 25-28 Top Gear Live, NEC, Birmingham.

Reece Lewery, 38, furniture maker

WATCHING.

Breaking Bad (DVD). A US series about a terminally ill teacher who makes crystal meth to earn money for his family's future. His moral descent is fascinating.

LISTENING: Drive soundtrack. I tend to like soundtracks if I like the film, and the music is very beautiful in this case. rottentomatoes. com. I don't often watch a film unless this site, which collates the marks given by dozens of reviewers, gives it at least 80%.

A Storm of Swords by George R R Martin. One of the Game of Thrones books. I keep rereading it. •

inding it hard to think bout anything else?

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YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT U P... Waal upin •

q I was sitting on a bench waiting for my husband when a slightly older man arrived and sat down next to me. Coming along the path rather quickly was a disabled scooter. The path was narrow, but the driver didn't slow down. Honking her horn, she shouted, "Move your feet!"

The man promptly bent down and took off his artificial leg.

Sara Goodwin, Surrey

41 On a poster at our church hall was the famous quote, "Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow."

Studying it closely, my young son asked, "Mummy, did this person smell?"

Kimberley Milton, Cambridge

q I recently found myself stuck on the phone with a man asking me to change my fuel supplier. His sales patter carried on for ten minutes, and he wasn't taking no for an answer.

In the end, I told him there was someone ringing the doorbell and I needed

The First of the Mohicans

1 MY FRIEND WAS IN LONDON FOR A SHORT BREAK when she got a call from some locals she knew, asking if she could house-sit for a few days and look after their elderly dog. She agreed, but sadly—and not unexpectedly —the dog passed away during her stay.

On informing her friends, she was told not to be too concerned. But, as they were going to be away for a few more days, would she mind taking the dog to the nearby vet. Realising that carrying a dead dog through the streets might attract attention, my friend placed the body in a suitcase and set off.

Struggling down the street, she was approached by a friendly looking chap, who asked what was in the case.

"Oh, my laptop and phone," she replied after a pause, whereupon he grabbed the suitcase and ran off.

James Lachlan, Crieff, Perthshire

to go. Hanging up, I rushed to open the front door—then I remembered that I'd been lying.

Jillian Cohen, Leeds

I At a dinner party, my sister was complimenting the hosts on the lovely spread they had laid on, when their little boy demanded in a disapproving tone, "Why is the salad in the sick bowl?"

Jennifer Luscombe, Liverpool

I My friend was with his family on a countryside ramble. His son, a keen birdwatcher, was peering through his binoculars, and shouted out excitedly, "Look up there! It's a red kite!"

His mother, no ornithologist, replied dismissively, "No—it's some sort of bird."

Kevin Halls, Coventry

11 The traffic light near my street buzzes when it's safe to cross the road. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for. I explained that it tells blind

I PACKING THE NIGHT before our holiday was a stressful affair. After three re-packs, the bags were still too heavy, despite having hardly anything in them. A long argument ensued—we

"Eye of newt, wing of bat... you know, we'd be lost without Heston Blumenthal!"

people when the light is red. Appalled, she replied, "What are blind people doing driving?"

WIN £70 FOR YOUR TRUE, FUNNY STORIES. EMAIL excerpts a readers digest.co.uk OR GO TO facebook. com/readers digestuk

Gloria Wilding, Merseyside

1 While relaxing on a beach in north Wales, I saw a father hand an ice cream to his son. "There you are—a bubblegum ice cream," he said.

The boy took a small lick, then turned to his father and asked, "Am I allowed to swallow it?"

Pamela Pagin, Wirral

were too tired to work out how we'd previously gone to Paris with hand luggage, but our empty bags were now over the limit.

At 5am the next day, we were at the airport checking

in. Our bags, it turned out, were about half the weight limit for the airline.

"Oh," said my husband, "I forgot to change the scales from lbs to kgs!"

Caroline Smith, Isle of Man ■

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WORD POWER

It's lights, camera, action for Harry Mount

October 19 marks the 150th anniversary of the birth in 1862 of Auguste Lumiere, the French film pioneer. Test your knowledge of celluloid by answering A, B or C.

1 arc lights it A dressing room light bulbs B cinema illusions C powerful filmset lights

2 aperture n A applause in cinema B camera opening C short run in cinemas

3 film noir n A badly

COVER STAR

FIONA BRUCE'S favourite word? Scrofulous...

I find it comes in surprisingly handy these days!

written film B animal film C crime film with dark elements

4 animatronics n A robot-making technique

B wooden acting

C dubbed dialogue

5 slapstick adj A comic in a simple, physical way

B tragicomic C violent

A word is born: Thrillax

To do something both stimulating and relaxing— like white-water rafting or going on safari.

RD Rating Useful? 6/10 Likeable? 5/10

6 flashback n A scene from the past B explosion effect C complete re-edit

7 CGI n A special effects

B police drama C film tax break

8 gross-out adj A highearning B outrageously disgusting C tear-jerking

9 Avid n A film-editing system B prompt card

C film that goes straight to video

10 Dolby n A fake backdrop B noisereduction system

C hidden camera

11 police procedural n

A illegal film B very dull scene C authentic crime drama

12 MacGuffin n

A mysterious plot device

8 follow-up to an earlier film C high-school comedy

13 turkey n A star's big pay packet B terrible film C shocking scene

14 chuima-vitritit (ver-ih-tay) n A sporting film B documentary C outdoor scene

15 foley n A night shooting B stuntman

C reproduction of everyday sound effects ►

WORD POWER ANSWERS

9-11 getting there

12-13 impressive 14-15 word-power wizard!

1 arc lights—C powerful film-set lights often used in silent films. "It was hard for Charlie Chaplin not to perspire under the arc lights."

2 aparture — B camera opening. Latin apertus (open).

3 Him nolr—C crime film with dark elements. "1940s cinema was the heyday of film noir." French (black film). 4 anlmatronics—A robot-making technique. "The Muppet Show didn't need any animatronics."

5 slapstick—A comic in a simple, physical way. "Laurel and Hardy were masters of slapstick." From slap and stick.

6 flashback—A scene from the past. "Back to the Future depended on flashbacks."

7 CGI—A special effects—acronym for "computer-generated imagery". "The CGI made the cartoon almost lifelike."

8 gross-out—B outrageously disgusting. "The Farrelly brothers

WIN! WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE WORD?

Did you know that a leaf-peeper" is someone who seeks out places where the leaves have changed to autumnal colours? This and thousands of other wonderful words are in the new edition of the Chambers Thesaurus. To mark this publication, we've teamed up with Chambers to launch a word-lovers' competition—all you have to do is tell us your favourite word and you could win E100 in cash plus E100-worth of Chambers products (there are 50 runner-up prizes up for grabs, too). Enter at readersdigest.co.uk/magazine

are famous for their gross-out films."

9 Avid—A film-editing program. "Avid made it much easier and quicker to edit films."

10 Dolby—B noise-reduction system. "The crackling sound on the 1930s dialogue was cleaned up with Dolby." Named after the company's founder Ray Dolby.

11 police procedural—C authentic crime drama. "Police procedurals are often full of autopsies."

Play WP online: go to readersdigest. co.uk/wordpower

12 MacGuffin—A mysterious plot device. The term was popularised by Alfred Hitchcock.

13 turkey—B terrible film. Thought to relate to the fact that Christmas is one of the busiest times for new films.

14 cinema-verite—B documentary. French (cinema truth).

15 foley—C reproduction of everyday sound effects. "Foley artists create everyday background noise." Named after its inventor Jack Foley.

as Film fan? See what London Film Festival's Clare Stewart would do if she ruled the world—p32

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IN THE FUTURE...

...sheep will be less sheepish, says Gary Rimmer Shepherd's delight

Wolf attacks are a problem for shepherds in parts of rural Europe. So how do you ensure sheep are safe when a wolf 's on the loose? According to Swiss biologists, you ask them. Trials will soon start on a collar designed to monitor sheep heart rates. When a flock increases its heart rate—as it will if confronted by a predator—or emits other biological cues, the "E-collusion" system responds and sends a text message to the shepherd. The collars, which may be in common use by 2015, will also release a "wolf repellent" (but quite what this might be is not yet reported).

Towering Inferno

The Firerob is a robot developed in Croatia to tackle blazes in extreme environments, from oil refineries to ammunition stores. And the Clothbot, made in China, is a 140g robot that can climb up

More than skin deep

If tattooing is the habit de nos fours, then hepatitis C is the disease. The two aren't unconnected—hepatitis C is an infectious liver disease, and tattooing has been reported to double or triple the risk of infection. Though unlikely to be in pharmacies before 2025, scientists at Florida University have just developed a "nanozyme" that's 100% effective against the virus. It contains two biogenetic compounds secured to a nanoparticle of gold—one to identify the virus, the other to deactivate it.

With as many as 170 million people infected worldwide, including up to 450,000 in the UK, this nanozyme could be a powerful new weapon.

clothes. Climbing robots are already used to inspect and repair pylons, wind turbines and telegraph poles, so the Clothbot extends the type of surface that can be scaled. Combine tht Firerob and the

Clothbot and, by 2020, could there be a solution to tackling fires on the top floors of skyscrapers? ■

Fire killer: the Firerob in action

INSTANT EXPERT

Harry Mount reveals the facts behind the news

As the world's population grows, more of us are chasing fewer resources—but which are the most important, who's buying them up, and how?

What is a commodity?

Broadly speaking, it's a natural resource in international demand that takes the same form across the world: Russian copper is much the same as African copper. So copper, wheat, oil and water 111commodities.

Why is there such demand for them?

Well, there wasn't the 1980s and 1990s. But, ever since the turn of the millennium, there's been a huge demand for '1)e world's natural iesources, ti :,,t yuy to the rise in global population to seven billion people. The demand is particularly strong in emerging markets, especially the BRIC countries—Brazil, Russia, India and China.

Those countries have started to look abroad for supplies. In China—where 2,000 new cars hit the Beijing streets every day—the purchase of foreign commodities over the last decade has been huge. In the last six years, China has spent more than E4Obn buying up African mineral resources, infrastructure, agriculture, gas and oil.

Is it

the country itself that buys up foreign commodities?

No. The purchases are made through individual companies. In 2008, in the most famous example of international commodity-buying, a Chinese mining company, Chinalco, bought a whole Peruvian mountain, Mount Toromocho.

Half the size of Mount Everest, Mount Toromocho is packed with two billion tonnes of copper.

Copper from Mount Toromocho in Peru is turned into electrical wire in China

Global Commodities

Doesn't one country need some sort of permit to buy up a piece of another country?

No. Because these aren't territorial acquisitions as such, there's no need for any international bodies to regulate this kind of land-shopping. Once the Chinese have got all the copper out of Mount Toromocho, it will be a lot smaller, but the land will still be Peruvian territory. In return for the E1.5bn that the Chinese invested in the mine, the Peruvian authorities were even happy to let Chinalco shift an entire town, Morococha, from the mountain to the other side of the valley.

What will be the most in-demand commodities of the future?

It's thought that water will be sought after during the next 30 years. However big the seas are, there's a limited quantity of fresh water —it only makes up a fortieth of the world's water. Seventy per cent of that fresh water is in ice or snow form, leaving only 200,000 cubic kilometres of water to go round.

Already the BRIC countries, in particular, are trying to secure as much fresh water as possible. The Chinese have built more than 20 huge dams on Tibet's eight principal rivers, causing tremendous anger downstream in neighbouring countries. In India, Cambodia and Laos. there are plans for more than 170 dams to retain large volumes of fresh water.

Alongside fuel commodities—oil, natural gas and coal—phosphorus is in great demand, as a fertiliser. Phosphate rock is only found in a limited number of countries, including China and America, themselves big phosphorus consumers.

Is the market all one-way, from the Western world to the emerging markets?

Not at all. China is itself rich in many natural resources. It supplies 97% of the world's rare earth elements—that is, the 17 minerals that are used in everything from electronic circuitry to magnets. Every country in the world needs to look abroad in the everincreasing global hunger for commodities. ■

IF I RULED THE WORLD Clare Stewart

Clare Stewart is director of the BFI's 56th London Film Festival. She grew up in South Gippsland, Australia, before acquiring a passion for film and volunteering at the Melbourne Cinematheque. She went on to direct the Sydney Film Festival for five years and now broadcasts and lectures on the subject.

I'd build a big screen in every community across the globe and produce a year-round film programme that distributed all kinds of movies to entertain and challenge everyone. I believe we should all have access to great cinema, that films have the power to expand our knowledge and imagination, and that they make us see, think, and feel differently about the world. I grew up in a small country town in Australia without a cinema, and I've been overcompensating ever since!

Film spreads empathy like a salve on our crazy, aching world. I know that with the thousands of movies I've watched as a festival director, my knowledge of the globe has expanded.

I'd make sure everyone had access to a computer. The dream of a film programme distributed everywhere might sound achievable, since technology has enabled far greater access to video on demand. But actually, it's still a relatively low proportion of the global population who have regular access to the internet (about 33%). So the first enabling thought—that you would deliver the movie schedule via the web—isn't yet possible everywhere in the world.

I'd invent a media consumption tax that people front cuitures wno have good access to content would pay a stipend for it. The revenue would be reinvested in better communications infrastructure for poor communities (although, if I was paying tax on every film I watched, I might cut back on my 800-plus per year!). But telephone-usage charges were originally introduced to stop women gossiping as they were "frivolously" occupying lines that prevented important men's business from going ahead.

So, while I like the tax idea in

theory, I'd need to be cautious that I wasn't discouraging playfulness, which is what leads to creativity.

I'd show every five-year-old a Buster Keaton film. Keaton's filmmaking and performances are full of play, and that's infectious; kids love it. This would be a cunning strategy to make everyone value silent cinema of all kinds from an early age.

I remember my first film on the big screen: Hanna-Barbera's 1973 picture Charlotte's Web. What made a lasting impression on me—more so even than the film itself—was that it made me cry. As a kid, that was my first moment of understanding that you could create something with strong, emotive impact that could really shake people up. I hope there will be children at the London Film Festival's showing of the beautiful animation Ernest and Celestine who have the same :I experience as five-year-old me.

I'd abolish government intervention over what stories can be told. if you could overcome the :restructure limitations, build cinemas everywhere and technically disseminate films, there would

The 56th BFI London Film Festival (in partnership with Amex) runs from October 10-21

also be lots of cultural and political issues to work around, since some countries are still very controlling about what they let their citizens make and watch. For example, Wadjda is a miraculous movie, screening as part of our First Feature Competition. It was shot on location in Saudi Arabia, where cinemas have been banned for over 30 years; and it was directed by a woman (who presumably couldn't even drive herself to the set, since women are banned from operating vehicles).

I'd ensure all new cinemas were fitted with sensor taps and get rid of cheesy carpet. stand water Vid',IJk• it's grim and unnecessary. I'm constantly shocked by the fact that water fixtures here in the UK haven't been overhauled to comply with sound ecological practice. I'd have good green architecture in all my new cinemas. It'd also be essential to liberate people from the nasty, over-patterned multiplex carpet that's probably designed to ensure subliminally you buy more at the concession stand, and is certainly not the desirable visual precursor to the moviegoing experience! •

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL Love Love Is All Around

Coming to terms with life's losses can make us more optimistic, says James Brown

This month's RTSC was both dm simplest and the hardest to write. Twenty years after my mum's death, I put two pictures of her on my bedside table. It's a constant reminder of who she is to me. Every day I see her as I remember her, and such an obvious thing makes me really happy.

Elsewhere around my house there are pictures of family and friends, but it's taken me until now to realise that pictures of my mum and dad that I see at the start and end of the day might actually be a good idea.

It's been two decades since my dad rang me at my flat in London and told me he had some terrible news. My mum had been found dead in her house of an overdose. She'd died on February 29,1992. The leap-year day.

As he said it, I went into a sort of shock, and a therapist recently told me she thinks I've only just recovered from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Back then, I can just remember being stunned, but deep down I also felt a sense of relief that all the mental

anguish was over for her—and that the phone calls that came a few times a year, informing me of each breakdown, would be at an end.

I walked into my living room and instinctively reached for the CD soundtrack of the film of The Harder They Come and put Jimmy Cliff's Pressure Drop on. I didn't ponder over this choice; looking back I just felt robotic. But the song captured how I felt: the pressure of constant worry and fear and powerlessness had dropped.

I was 25, had just left my job on the New Musical Express, recently split up with my long-term girlfriend—and my mum had taken her own life. My gran had found mum's body lying on the kitchen floor. I wasn't too bothered about getting another job or a new girlfriend after that. Somehow, sitting in a police station with your gran trying to determine the cause of death, and arranging your own mum's funeral, doesn't really encourage you to get on with your life as it was before. Nothing matters.

If there's one moment I hold onto about her subsequent cremation, it was a butterfly flying through the church as mum's coffin disappeared. My mum was a lovely person who, like many people, suffered from mental-health issues. In the end it

simply became too much for her to live with. I can now write that calmly, knowing how many people will have family members who suffer likewise.

Growing up trying to deal with it as a teenager in 1970s Leeds was something I pretty much endured in shamed silence. The standard insult at school was to name someone after the mental hospital my mum was regularly treated in. Remembering now what it was like to go there, or

to worry about how she was in there, makes me feel tense, tearful and sick.

It's hard to revisit this In print, but the uplift I've felt from putting out the pictures of mum and dad made me want to share it in case it helps anyone else. In the last year, three people I've known, been friends with and admired have died in close succession.

The first committed suicide and there was a lot of public sharing of grief for him. The next two died of cancer. Again, one of them was widely mourned. The overpowering sense of despair that flooded out from me on each occasion made me realise I had to go back and see a professional therapist about my feelings for my mum.

When we started talking I realised that—despite openly talking about her and thinking about her a lot and not being angry with her—I'd blocked dealing with many of the feelings I had about her death. I have none of her property, few pictures of her, and rarely see anyone who knew her. ►

gg This is a sad column, but also a positive one because after I've finished it, I'll turn off the light and mum's face will be the last thing I see 77

• A man on Facebook recently mentioned that his mum and mine had been friends and it was like a shaft of light penetrating a pyramid. My dad also told me and my son about when he first met her, which made a massive difference. We were driving from the village he grew up in, and we went to the one she grew up in, too. Pre-Prozac, pre-Facebook, things were different 20 years ago. Only now, have I found myself— for just the second time—starting

to read about bereavement trauma. This is a sad column, but also a positive one because after I've finished it, I'll turn off the light next to me and mum's face will be the last thing I see. Once again, as when I was growing up, I'll get to see her every day. All it took was putting the pictures near me. ■

James, founder ofLoaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: "We can't concentrate, why should you?" You can follow James on Twitter ajamesjamesbrown.

IhUDDING AUTHORS, TAKE A BOW

This dark tale was one of thousands of yarns submitted to last year's 100-wordstory contest. Well be featuring a commended story in the magazine every month, and each day at readersdigest.co. tik/magarine. See p78 for the launch of this year's contest.

Submitted by Steph Daley, East Yorkshire

The end

I married Edwin for his money. It was an arrangement, really: I would stay with him until the end in return for his fortune. In the meantime, the step from live-in carer to wife was a small one and, besides, I had grown fond of the old man.

However, Edwin rallied, and as the years passed, my dreams of a carefree life began to fade and curl at the edges.

But now this. The hospital is stifling, and Edwin's dry hand flutters in mine. I seethe with rage as he turns my pillow and kisses my wet, gaunt cheek

Steph says: "I wrote the first line of 'The end' and the rest just followed, maybe from a desire to show the sometimes cruel irony of life. Or maybe I just wanted to slap down someone who was so mercenary! In my heart I'm a writer, but somehow life gets in the way. I tend to be inspired by competitions, because I want my work to be judged by professionals."

Steph will receive a cheque for £70

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Maybe ITjustofftake on my horse!'

Fiona Bruce on life after TV, going grey and humiliating her children

"I'D DEARLY LOVE TO BE AN ARTIST. It would make me so proud to see a picture of mine on a gallery wall somewhere. Unfortunately" Fiona Bruce adds with a grimace, "I'm rubbish! The passion's there, but even at school I was absolutely dreadful. As part of my sixth form, I studied life drawing at Goldsmiths College [London], but I was far too shocked to actually draw. Some of those models were quite...impressive!"

Although Bruce eventually headed for the more demure world of French and Italian at Oxford, before landing a researcher role at the BBC in 1989—where, of course, she's since anchored everything from the News at Ten and Crimewatch to Antiques Roadshow she never lost that passion for art.

Roadshow fans will know that 48-year-old Bruce always takes a keen interest in any paintings and the BBC has subsequently offered her a string of art-based programmes, including Fake or Fortune?,which has just returned to BBC One for a second series. Described as Antiques Roadshow meets CSI, Fake tasks Fiona and art dealer Philip Mould with unravelling the intrigue and deception behind some of the world's greatest paintings.

RELAXING OVER A CUP OF EARL GREY TEA, just a few miles from her home in London's swanky Belsize Park, Bruce is keen to discuss art's place in 2012 Britain.

"Every time I do a show like Fake or Fortune?, or a documentary on great art, people ask me if the average person can really be that interested in 'a painting'. Are you kidding? Look at the Olympics. What was at the centre of the closing ceremony? A Union Jack image by Damien Hirst. The recent Leonardo da Vinci exhibition at the National Gallery was sold out many times over. Art certainly matters to me, but I think it also matters to the British public!

"I'm not saying that we all adore every painting that's out there. Personally, I don't 'get' Rothko, but art matters ►

BY DANNY SCOTT

PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARK HARRISON

Fiona and co-presenter Philip Mould investigate the authenticity of this painting by Turner in the news series of Fake or Fortune?

• because it moves you. Just in the same way that a piece of music or a film or theatre will move you. It touches your heart!"

FIONA'S OTHER PASSIONS include a recent interest in horse riding and music. "My husband [City executive Nigel Sharrocks) buys hundreds of CDs and the house is always filled with the sound of some new album. Just lately I've been listening to a lot of Emeli Sande, [indie rockers) Chapel Club, Massive Attack and I've always got time for [ele-gant Scots popsters) The Blue Nile.

"But the thing I really couldn't live without is books! They transport me to another place. When I'm reading a book, I live in that book's world. And it was Reader's Digest that got me started! We used to get those books...three or four classics condensed into one volume. It was a great way for a kid to get going.

"I'm currently reading Hack by Graham Johnson, a riveting account of life inside the News of the World. Somebody did buy me FiftyShades ofGrey recently and I put it in my bag when I was about to head off on a long train journey for the Antiques Roadshow. Then I thought, Oh, myGod! What if someone sees me reading it? I can just see the headlines: 'Fiona Bruce In Mummy-Porn Shock!'

"Which reminds me of the fake Twitter account somebody set up in my name," she giggles. "Nothing about painting nothing about antiques. It was mainly concerned with, shall we say, bizarre sexual predilections! No wonder my kids are so embarrassed by me!"

Fiona reckons that Sam, 14, and Mia, ten, are in a perpetual state of shame at

•

"I'll alwa s

The woman whodoes 'I know ho\\ to use

their "deeply uncool" mum. "Do they care if I'm on telly? Do they care if I read the news? No. To them I'll always be Naff Mum. The woman who doesn't know how to use Skype.

"I attempt to play the bad cop at home, but they just don't take me seriously. There was one incident, a few years ago, when I really lost it with Sam. I recorded a whole series of Desperate Housewives and it took me months to get through it. When it came to the final episode, I had the house to myself and settled down with a glass of wine and a box of choccies. I turned on the TV and all I could see was bloody Power Rangers!

"I went ballistic. 'You are not allowed to record anything ever again!' I told Sam. I was shaking with rage. But he just looked at me and said, 'Mum, you're overreacting.' I burst out laughing.

"I've found parenthood to be a strange mixture of happiness, embarrassing your kids, and a lot of guilt and worry that you're doing the 'right thing'."

Is it harder to teach children to do the "right thing" these days when there's such an obsession with celebrity and wealth?

"I don't know. But does every person in this country only care about money and fame? Of course not! That's ridiculous. Look at what happened during the Olympics. Two glorious weeks where all that mattered was talent and fairness."

BUT FIONA ADMITS that work often has to take precedence over family life. "I'm 48 years old and I feel very fortunate to be offered such amazing jobs. I know it's not always going to be like this. There comes a point—especially if you're a woman—when your career just falls off

a cliff. I'm not being self-pitying. That's just the way it is.

"Age is definitely an issue for women in TV. So far, it hasn't been for me, but I know I need to make the best of myself. For instance, I have a few grey hairs. I dye them. I don't let my grey hair show when I'm reading the news. But ! wouldn't consider cosmetic surgery. My husband would never forgive me. When the person you love feels that way, it's a bit of a non-starter.

"Of course, we wouldn't even be having this conversation if I was a 48-yearold man! I used to get cross about that, but what's the point? I'm never going to change things on my own. If age does become an issue, I'll deal with it."

SO HAS SHE THOUGHT about what she'll do after TV? "I'm sure there'll be a period of adjustment. For a start, I won't be looking as glam as I do today. I'll be slobbing around in a pair of old jeans and a T-shirt...hair all over the place. 'Blimey, that Fiona Bruce has let herself go a bit!'

"Seriously, though, there are a million and one things I'd love to get stuck in to. Travel...finally get to spend some time with the family. And I'd love to become a magistrate! You don't present a show like Crimewatch without developing a real respect for the justice system in this country

"Then again, maybe I'll just take off on my horse. Yeah, that's where you'll find me. Trekking across the Andes!"

» Fake or Fortune? is on BBC One now. See over for some behind-the-scenes secrets from Antiques Roadshow. ►

What's it worth?

Pictures and prints specialist Rupert Maas (in green jacket) prepares to be filmed In Fountains Abbey, North Yorkshire

Andrea Kon goes behind the scenes at the Antiques Roadshow.

Photographed by Gary Calton

"IT'S HONESTLY THE MOST unpleasant doll I've ever seen. Very battered and bruised, with one leg and half the toes on her other foot gone [see pic opposite]."

On a soggy July afternoon, antiques expert Paul Atterbury doesn't sound enthused by his latest find. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Paul is briefing the 48 production staff of Antiques Roadshow about the latest batch of treasures they'll be filming next day.

"She's in a state because she survived a [World War Two] bombing raid," the Roadshow specialist, who's been on the show since it started in 1979, continues. "I think we'll ask Hilary [Kay, the show's toy expert] to look at her. Things don't have to be valuable to be interesting."

THE EXPERTS' PRICELESS ROADSHOW STORIES

Indeed, it's stories like these, as well as its habit of discovering priceless masterpieces, that have made the programme an enduring hit. Paul is speaking as the

HILARY KAY, TOYS.

SOUTHEBY'S YOUNGEST EVER AUCTIONEER (AT 21), THE 54-YEAR-OLD HAS BEEN ON THE ROADSHOW SINCE 1980.1 remember being shown an early Mickey Mouse motorcycle toy. It was in amazing condition in its original box but, although I valued it at £10,000, the owner didn't seem particularly excited. His last words to me were: "Thank you, Hilary. I'll never sell it." I thought that meant he treasured it, so I was amazed to see it sell for £50,000 at Christie's a year later. I asked the auctioneer how I could have got it so wrong. "You forgot the box, Hilary," he replied.

JUDITH MILLER, MISCELLANEOUS. THE 61-YEAR-OLD CO-FOUNDED THE BEST-SELLING MILLER'S ANTIQUES HANDBOOK & PRICE GUIDE. A lady came up to me with a small cup, probably 19th century. When I looked inside, I saw a big crack. I asked if it had been in her family for years. "Oh no!" she said. "I bought it for 5p in a car-boot sale last Saturday." I said she'd probably paid the right price.

staff set up their equipment at Fountains Abbey, North Yorkshire, to film two episodes for, incredibly, its 35th series.

Yet not everything on Antiques Roadshow is as it seems. The vast majority of the 1,800 items the public will bring tomorrow have never been seen by the show's experts. But some of the bigger and more extraordinary items were selected a week ago, when Paul and recording manager Jeanne Darrington went on the "furniture round", visiting local people who'd written in ahead of filming.

CLIVE FARAHAR, BOOKS. THE 62-YEAROLD RARE MANUSCRIPTS DEALER HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW SINCE 1986. In Dumfries. this man came in with some exquisite watercolours by Beatrix Potter. I told him they'd fetch £10,000 each at auction, but he showed no emotion. I asked how many he had, and he said 25. I was astounded. "That's £250,000!" I told him. Still no reaction. So I asked him what he intended to do with them. "Put them back in the bank," he said. I don't know if he already knew what they were worth and had just come to get reassurance. But to hide such lovely things in a bank vault seemed so sad.

And when its owners Sandra and Ian Day from nearby Ripon arrive tomorrow, they'll be "fast tracked" to make-up— everyone who appears on screen is madeup, even elderly colonels—and won't have to wait to see an expert in one of the Roadshow's famous long queues.

BUT THERE'S A LOT to organise before then. Producer Simon Shaw has to position and coordinate six camera teams; 5,000 feet of electrical cable need to be laid to connect the outside-broadcast vans, technicians, experts and production office; and 28 volunteer stewards (most of whom work at the abbey as National

The thinking is largely practical—big pieces of furniture need to be transported to the show's location. As well as a Regency sideboard and a cannon, Paul and Jeanne's haul includes a bonnet that belonged to a Brontë sister, a set of rare caviar pots and the bedraggled doll.

FIONA BRUCE, PRESENTER. The most extraordinary thing I've ever seen was a caul. Rarely, babies are born with a sack of skin covering their heads. Superstition has it that if you own a caul, you'll never drown, so they were very sought after by sailors. A woman came in with a dried-up one that had belonged to her greatgrandmother. It was quite horrible, but she was most upset when one of our specialists said it was worthless. "But they used to fetch 18 guineas!" she argued.

Fiona with the bedraggled World War Two doll

Clockwise from top: ceramics specialist Steven Moore discusses two African heads; a patriotic Mr and Mrs King with two 1830 concertinas; glass specialist Andy McConnell gets excited; Roadshow leaflets covering just about everything

• Trust guides) have to be briefed.

Next day, when the sun breaks through as filming rehearsals get underway, the team breathes a particularly loud sigh of relief. The Roadshow's never been called off, but heavy rain has saturated the abbey's lawns, and the nearby River Skell is close to breaking its banks. Everyone's wearing wellies, even the antiques experts. There's a real risk the public will assume filming's been cancelled, so production staff spend much of the rest of the day frantically calling local radio stations to reassure them it hasn't.

Thankfully, Thursday morning dawns bright and clear and, by 7.45am, there's already a queue of people waiting to get into the abbey's grounds. First in line is Dr Paul Steed from Wakefield who arrived at Gam to make sure he got to the specialists before anyone else. He wants more information on his "Buy and Build the British Empire" poster, depicting great 19th-century inventors. "I rescued it from a skip 30 years ago," he says.

THE GATES OPEN AT 9.30AM and Dr Steed leads the crowds—carrying their valuables in everything from biscuit tins to supermarket trolleys—to a reception area where four generalists will direct them to the right specialist. Everyone will be seen by one or more experts (who cover everything from clocks to militaria)—with about 50 consultations filmed and 25 shown on TV. People might have to wait several hours to be seen, says generalist Barley Roscoe, "But no one seems to mind. We've heard of people becoming great friends in the queue as they share their experiences." ►

4 Andrew Rowland from Salford has a cardboard suitcase full of bits of paper. "These are all the letters my grandmother and grandfather sent from 1937 to 1945, including while he was posted [in Asia] during the war. I found them in an old tea chest in their house, buried under some shoes."

"They're a great social history," says Lloyd. "They have no financial worth, but we'll almost certainly ask Fiona to chat to him about them on camera."

CONTRARY TO WHAT you might think, directors do not decide who or how many people will stand behind an expert during a valuation. It's left to the public to decide what's interesting—and a crowd is now gathering around jewellery

specialist Joanna Hardy. She's chatting to Helga Jackson, 69, who's travelled from Dumfries with an old microscope. But it's her brooch that's caught Joanna's attention.

"My stepfather sold our farm 40 years

Toys expert Hilary Kay (left) valued these skittles at around £10,000.

Below: how the show looks in the remote filming truck

ago," Helga tells her, with the cameras rolling. "I owned six of the cows and got £285 for them, so I bought this Victorian diamond and amethyst brooch. Over the years, I've wondered if the stones look too good to be true."

Joanna, a former De Beers diamond valuer, tells her it's worth £3,000. But Helga's gasp of delight is drowned out by cries of despair from producer Michele Burgess's nearby desk.

A child's mobile has rung—despite everyone being told to turn their phones off, as they interfere with equipment— causing a power failure. To the annoyance of the team, the whole sequence, including Helga's reaction, must be shot again. "The first take was best," rues Helga.

APART FROM THIS MINOR UPSET, the rest of the day unfolds without many problems. Security officer Marilyn Naylor, 63, is quick to point out that, with numerous local police officers on hand, no one's ever pilfered any of the items. And the 30 antiques experts are the epitome of charm—they're vetted for their expertise and on-screen diplomacy—so there are no cross words with disgruntled owners. Nor are there any accusations of sharp practice, as the experts are forbidden contractually from taking a commercial

interest in anything that they value.

You'd think that a specialist would at least drop some priceless artefact. But, no, despite nine million items passing through their hands over 650 programmes, that's never happened either.

In fact, the most valuable thing damaged this series has been Fiona Bruce's ego. "A few weeks ago, we were about to start filming in the West Country and the director called for quiet," the presenter smiles. "This woman was looking at me and her voice rang out, `She looks so much worse than she does on TV!' Then she realised I'd heard her and said 'You have good teeth. I'll give you that.' "

BY FIVE O'CLOCK,another two episodes of Antiques Roadshow are almost in the bag. Although filming of some items is scheduled to go on until seven, the crew is already starting to leave.

But just then, a fascinating 18th-century silver fox-head snuff box is discovered. "It must be filmed," insists Simon Shaw. Everything stops as a camera is found and silver specialist Gordon Foster is brought in to chat to Christine Stirzaker, 74, of Harrogate.

What's its story? What's it worth? You'll just have to watch the Roadshow when it returns this month to find out. ■

READER SPOT/ Welcome to the Royal Botanic Gardens & the Domain

Please walk on the grass

I spied this in Sydney Botanical Gardens during a recent holiday in Australia. Refreshing, I thought. Submitted by Sandy Nordbruch, Isle of Wight

SHOULD YOU GO PRIVATE?

Your own room, no waiting lists, better treatment—paying for health care is a no-brainer if you can afford it. Or is it? We look at the pros and cons for several common conditions

BY LLLIL kOSL

CATARACT SURGERY

Worth going private? 6/10

„N.. To pay? One in three people --s• over 65 will get cataracts—the predominantly age-related clouding in the lens that impairs vision and can lead to blindness. The majority can be treated by replacing the lens with a plastic implant, but it's not always easy to get a referral on the NHS.

The Royal National Institute for Blind People reports that, as a result

of savings, there are now huge variations in the criteria primarycare trusts insist patients meet before they get help. In parts of north-east England, for instance, you can have surgery as soon as cataracts affect your life. In the south-east, however, some patients have to wait until they can only see the first two lines on an opticians' chart.

Dau Tu, 60, from East Wittering, West Sussex, could see so little that she had to give up her job as an upholsterer, yet was still denied surgery. She's currently appealing the decision.

"Guidelines that stipulate a cut-off vision level of, say, 6/12 or 6/18 are arbitrary and driven by financial, not clinical, considerations," says Professor

• Harminder Dua, president of the Royal College of Ophthalmologists.

Assuming you don't have insurance, private treatment costs between £1,800 and £3,000, but you could consider having the operation abroad —for as little as £440 in Bulgaria or £530 in the Czech Republic. Make sure you research the clinic and surgeon thoroughly first, though (see nhs.uk/ nhsengland/healthcareabroad or treatmentabroad.com for help).

HIP REPLACEMENT

Worth going private? 6/10

A_

Or not to pay? If you're able -\S-- to get a surgery referral, NHS waiting times are pretty good, rangi from a couple of weeks to three months. And the operation itself is routine, with a very high success rate. Unlike private clinics, the NHS doesn't offer "premium" lenses, whic promise to correct pre-existing nearsightedness, but these cost up to £4,000 extra and the standard lenses work well with glasses.

To pay? Some 85%of NHS hip replacements take place within a reasonable 18 weeks of referral. But, says Martyn Porter, vice-president of the British Orthopaedic Association (BOA), cuts mean there are pockets throughout the country where referrals for less serious cases have been delayed for montl, or denied completely. Factor in the fact that private hospitals tend to give you your own comfortable private room and have more attentive aftercare— much nicer when you're recovering from any surgery—and it's not surprising that some 15% of the 75,000 hip-replacement operations taking place in Britain each year are performed privately. 1 1 -•-- Or not to pay? Studies suggests N.." that you have a slightly better chance of a successful operation if you pay for it, but Porter, a consultant orthopaedic surgeon, points out that these figures are largely down to the fact that the health service has to take on many of the most complex cases. Patients with other health issues (a weak heart, say) undergoing. any major surgery are often better off in an NHS hospital with an intensive care unit— just in case. And a private hip replacement can set you back a staggering £13,000.

If you're having trouble getting an NHS operation, it's probably better to keep trying rather than shell out money. "Ask your GP why they aren't referring you," says Martyn Porter. "Bring your family in. Get a second opinion. The BONs patients' association (boa.ac.uk) offers an advocacy service that can help."

DEPRESSION

$1101011.111r roun six million Britons have treatable anxiety or depression. Only one in four ever gets professional help and, while that's often down to the individual, charities such as Mind have long claimed that there's inadequate funding of NHS mental-health services.

It's quite easy to get antidepressants from a GP, but many patients struggle to get to see a psychiatrist, who may be able to pinpoint the perfect drugs for their condition. Worse, just 2.1% of sufferers entered talking therapy in the last quarter of 2011, despite studies showing that it's the best method, when combined with medication, for combating symptoms. A 2010 Mind survey also found that 40% of those who did get psychological help felt they hadn't received enough sessions.

Louise Bell., 45, from north London, visited her GP with depression several times over three years. "I got bad side effects from the drugs I was given, and my GP was guessing which he should try next. Another doctor suggested I had bipolar disorder, so I pressed for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I waited two months for a hospital assessment— where the disorder was confirmed —and was promised a follow-up. I never heard back."

MOr not to pay? Paying for treatment can get expensive.

In the end, Louise attended a privdi psychotherapy group, costing £50 a month, and had four sessions with a psychiatrist, which set her back £600.

But, she says, "It was the right thing to do. The psychiatrist gave me a clearer diagnosis and helped me find an effective drug."

And, though going r to a psychiatrist to get the right medication might set you back between £500 and £700, he or she can then ask your GP to give you repeat prescriptions and monitor your progress. Charities such as Mind and Relate also provide cheaper counselling, with fees ranging from £35-£40 per session if you work fulltime, to a few ounds if you're

WISDOM-TEETH REMOVAL

Worth going private? 4/10

...rk To pay? More than 200,000 4.1) people per year have one or more wisdom teeth extracted after they have become painful, infected or grow in the wrong direction. Most NHS removals arc performed by your own dentist or a local specialist. Getting access to a state dentist has become easier in recent years, with more than a million new people registering since 2010. But there are still reports of people having to wait for more than a year. So, although going private will cost about £2,000, compared to £48 or less on the NHS, you may avoid several uncomfortable weeks waiting for an appointment.

Or not to pay?According to Professor Tara Renton, chair in oral surgery at King's College London, the waiting time for treatment by an oral specialist is pretty minimal—and they handle 85% of cases.

If you can stand the pain, it might be better to treat an infection with antibiotics rather than risk surgery. The procedure can have side effects, such as damaging the trigeminal nerve, which provides feeling to the face.

HERNIA REPAIR

Worth going private? 3/10

To pay?At some point, one 1: 41) in ten of us will get a hernia, where an internal part of the body pushes through a weakness in surrounding tissue, such as the bowel poking into the groin. The NHS repairs 50,000 a year but, because many are little more than uncomfortable, most GPs don't refer you for treatment until it's really needed—such as if a part of an organ gets trapped and starts dying. But consultant surgeon Mike Parker, of Darent Valley Hospital in Dartford, says that the majority of people need treatment eventually and, once referred, NHS waiting times are around 78 days.

Or not to pay? If your hernia's not causing huge problems, why rush into private surgery that can cost up to £3,600 and has a 20% risk of long-term post-operative pain?

But when you do require treatment, both NHS and private clinical outcomes at least are very good— with a 1% hernia-recurrence rate across the board.

PROSTATECTOMY

Worth going private? 4/10

To pay? This common procedure—the removal of all or part of the prostate to get rid of cancerous tumours—has a very good survival rate, whether you're treated by the NHS or privately.But it causes impotence in up to 70% of cases, as it's hard to preserve the nearby nerve bundles that control erectile function.

If you go private, however, you can choose a more experienced, more adept practitioner whose nerve-saving record might be as high as 70%. And you can see the same clinician throughout your treat- rment, so you don't have to keep going over the details of your sensitive, personal condition.

(*It *. Or not to pay?

-

\S-- Treatment costs between £13,000 and £20,000. And, if your tumour is growing slowly and you can wait up to three months for an operation, the NHS sometimes allows you to request a particular surgeon, too. Many are every bit as good at preserving your sex life as those in the private sector. •

Forget the Olympics— this is where the serious sporting action is!

By Ellie Rose

KIIKING, ESTONIA

Have you ever swung so far on a swing that you thought you'd go right over the top bar? Well, sadly, this is virtually impossible to manage at your average playground, as the swing's chains will inevitably slacken under gravity as you approach horizontal.

But Estonian Ado Kosk refused to accept that he'd never make a full loop. So in the mid-1990s, he developed a sports kiik (Estonian for swing) with steel arms. The user stands on the base and thrusts with his legs until he has enough momentum to spin through 360 degrees.

Pleased with his invention, Kosk then turned kiiking (pronounced key-king) into a sport by designing a new swing with adjustable arms. Competitors try to achieve a full spin with the arms extended as far they can manage. There's now an annual open championship in Kaarma, Estonia, and Andrus Aasamae holds the current Guinness World Record for completing 360 degrees with the arms extended to 7.02 metres. •

CAMEL HAIRDRESSING, BIKANER, INDIA

n Rajasthan—the north-eastern tate that encompasses most f the Great Indian Desertamels are king. They pull carts f produce, work at wells, and re indispensable for getting from A to B. So a three-day festival, held every January around the city of Bikaner, celebrates the humble, humped creatures with an elaborate fur-cutting competition.

Owners spend up to two years growing, dying and preparing their steeds' hair for the contest. They then shave and trim it on the spot, cutting the fur into stunning traditional Indian patterns.

PRECISION WALKING, YOKOHAMA, JAPAN

This surreal but incredibly disciplined contest, staged at the Nippon Sport Science University, Yokohama, is a visually stunning cross between army marching, synchronised swimming and dance.

Teams of 30 or more identically dressed male and female students attempt to walk and occasionally run in perfect harmony, changing formation on command.

One of the most impressive moves involves two diamond-shaped groups of walkers criss-crossing each other's path in a show of unflinching agility and accuracy. In another, the walkers simultaneously freeze mid-motion, robotic in their stillness.

» Search for "Japanese precision" on YouTube for the full glory, ■

TUNA THROWING, PORT LINCOLN, AUSTRALIA

Yes, it goes well with mayonnaise, but the humble tuna also has a more athletic use.

Every January since 1961, Tunarama—a celebration of the sandwich-friendly sea creature in the fishing town of Port Lincoln—has attracted up to 25,000 visitors for a mixture of parties, processions and, most importantly, the tuna tossing contest. Twenty-pound fish (frozen to aid grip and flight) are tied to the ends of a rope, swung around the head and flung as far as possible.

The event is a fairly serious business. The record throw of 37.23 metres was achieved in 1988 by Scott Carlin, a 31-yearold former Australian Olympic hammer thrower.

But children aren't left out of the festivities: 11-15-year-olds have their own king-fish-tossing event, while 5-10-year-olds get to lob prawns.

KUDU DUNG Dung spitting (or bokdrol SPITTING, spoeg, as the mainly SOUTH Afrikaans participants

AFRICA call it) involves groups of people trying to propel poo from their mouths as far as possible.

Why? Well, participants treat the sport as something of a beer-soaked party. But it also has its roots in tribal legend. The kudu antelope was famous for eluding its would-be hunters, leaving a trail of faeces behind it as an apparent taunt. So hunters began using the pellets in spitting competitions to "retaliate" against their prey (although one wonders who the real winners were here).

Modern competitors have a number of techniques, from spitting from a standing position to taking a run up, depending often on how drunk they are. Wet, heavier dung tends to travel further, but most competitors blanch at putting fresh, moist poo in their mouths. So they soak old pellets beforehand —usually in something alcoholic.

The semi-formal world championship— held in various locations—began in 1994 and the record spitting distance is 15.56 metres, set in 2006 by Shaun van Rensburg. The boy dung good! ►

THE VERTICAL MARATHON, SINGAPORE

Singapore

Height:740ft

Storeys:73

Steps: 1,336

EMPIRE S TA TE

New York

Height:1,250ft

Storeys:86

Steps: 1,576

The 73-storey Swisstitel is the tallest hotel in South-East Asia so, ordinarily, the sensible option for getting to the top is the lift. But since November 2004, athletic types have been flocking to the building once a year to race up its 1,336 steps. Some 2,100 competitors from around the world took part in last year's contest, with German firefighter Matthias Jahn finishing first in seven minus, 16 seconds.

The te winners in each gender and age group are invited to represent Singapore in the even tougher Empire State Building Run Up in New York (86 storeys and ,•' '40e Tsr1,576 steps). They're also /k

it rewarded with a breathtaking view of "the garden city" of Singapore from the hotel's roof— although they have to move out of the way after a few minutes so other contestants can have a look.

NUT-TREE Indonesia's Dutch colonisers could CLIMBING, be cruel. On days of celebration INDONESIA (such as a wedding or a national holiday), they would attach a wheel of prizes to the top of a nut tree, grease the tree with oil, invite poor young locals to try to climb it, and chuckle at the hilarity that ensued.

Indonesia has been autonomous since the mid1940s, but the tradition of pole climbing, known as Panjat Pinang, is still inexplicably popular, particularly on Indonesia's independence Day (August 17).

Some people say it has educational value as a team-building exercise. Since it's near impossible to get to the top of one of the poles by yourself, youngsters now work in groups to reach the prizes (which include mundane-but-useful items such as cheese, flour and clothes) and split any spoils. ■

LIVES LESS ORDINARY

Meet three people who refused to let their disability stop them from realising their dreams

A FOCUSED MAN

Every artist dreams of sharing their vision. For Matt Rhodes, a registeredblind 37-year-old from Preston, it might have seemed an impossible dream. But, for the last 17 years, Matt has refused to "do" impossible.

In 1995, he was knocked off his motorcycle while serving with the Devonshire and Dorset Regiment in Germany. The young private was paralysed down his right-hand side, and his sight was reduced to an area half the size of a penny.

rot

A series of rehabilitation programmes followed—including stints at Headley Court army hospital in Surrey and with the charity Blind Veterans UK. And, after three years, Matt—who's married with four children— confounded doctors' predictions by learning to walk again and

*It, starting to rebuild his life. ►

The Ina

BY E JANE DICKSON PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARK MCNULTY

4 It was, he says, the camaraderie of other disabled service people that pulled him through. "At Blind Veterans, there was a boy of 18 who'd been wounded in Afghanistan and a man of 113 who'd fought in the Somme. It puts your own situation into perspective."

Mark with his painting of The; Beatles, seen o the previous page

"Your body is like a vehicle. It gets you from A to B, but you're still the person in control"

On civvy street, however, attitudes were less supportive. "My left leg drags, and I'd walk into a pub and feel like the cowboy who staggers through the doors of a saloon. Once, I lost my footing and fell over in the street—at nine o'clock in the morning —and people just walked over me."

But Matt resolved to present a more positive view of disability, and the former army PT instructor embarked on a series of adventures. He tried skydiving, swam a mile between Brighton's two piers and, with a guide, completed the 2007 London and 2010 Brighton marathons—the latter race taking him two days.

He raised more than £5,000 for various charities, but his heart-bursting achievements left him increasingly exhausted. He knew that, realistically, he needed a less physical challenge.

Matt tried numerous activities and crafts through Blind Veterans UK, and discovered a talent for art. With his tiny field of vision, painting was a painstaking

process—he needed to construct portraits inch by inch from blown-up photos. The natural right-hander was also having to work with his left hand. But, he says, "Painting was immensely satisfying. It was a hobby that produced something tangible. I couldn't see the final work, but others could. When they said they liked it, that was my sense of achievement."

He painted relatively easy portraits at first— mainly of celebrities— but his rapidly advancing technique soon allowed him to tackle more testing and personally resonant subjects, such as a dynamic scene of army medics in Afghanistan.

In the two years since he started, he's earned a living through commissions and raised more than £5,000 for Blind Veterans UK and other charities by auctioning his canvases. Last year, a painting of Vera Lynn sold for £3,000, the money going to her cerebral palsy trust. His latest portrait is of paralympic athletes, which he's donating to Headley Court.

"To my way of thinking," he says, "your body is like a vehicle. It gets you from A to B, but you're still the person in control. My vehicle may have a couple of flat tyres and a pair of smashed headlights, but I'm still the driver, still in charge."

On her 40th birthday, Sally Hyder struggled on crutches to the top of Scotland's Ptarmigan Ridge. All her life she'd loved mountain walking. Her husband Andrew proposed to her at Mount Everest base camp in 1998, and on weekends they'd "bag" Munros—Scottish peaks over 3,000 feet. But multiple sclerosis had severely limited Sally's horizons. The

birthday trip was her emotional farewell to the hills.

"I knew the MS was getting much, much worse," says Sally, a mother of three who lives in Edinburgh. "I thought this was going to be my last Munro."

As predicted, the course of the disease accelerated. Now 50, Sally has been in a wheelchair for ten years and lives with chronic pain. Yet, last June, she smashed expectations by becoming the first wheelchair user to make it to the ►

Hound of love: Sally Hyder with her right-hand dog Harmony

summit of Ben Nevis without being carried.

She was an unlikely candidate for the extreme sportsmanship needed. "My core muscles are gone, which means I can't stay upright for long before the pain kicks in, and sensory loss in my bottom and legs means my balance is terrible. Neither of my arms works properly, either."

But though there had been times when her disability had made Sally reluctant even to leave the house, things had turned around since April 2009. The charity Canine Partners had provided her with a Labrador called Harmony who could pick up items if Sally dropped them, unload the washing machine, help her dress and open doors. More importantly, Harmony had forced Sally to rediscover the outdoors.

Carrying the Olympic torch "was the best gig ever"

"One of the charity's rules is that the dog must be given fun time, just to be a dog. That means an hour's 'off-lead' exercise every day. Going out with Harmony just clicked the switch in the part of my brain that loved being active."

Wheelchair users have previously been lifted or stretchered up Ben Nevis—the shale near the top is notoriously treacherous. But Sally was determined to make it in her all-terrain "sports chair"—albeit with a team of marines and firefighters

to rope it for the steeper parts of the descent.

Sally had to lie nearly flat in the go-kart-like chair. "My legs kept falling off it, so I ended up asking to be tied to it at the knees and ankles. That was really frightening. An ablebodied person can go downhill fast because, if something goes wrong, you can get yourself out of trouble. If your legs are tied together, however, you can't do anything."

But she conquered it—raising £6,000 for Canine Partners—and her confidence has soared. In the last year, she's been skiing, sailing, scuba diving and flown in a microlight. Next spring, she hopes to complete her own "Three Peaks" challenge by climbing Snowdon and Scafell Pike. This June, she carried the Olympic torch through Edinburgh.

"It was the best gig ever," she says. "Right along the Royal Mile. Some policemen helped me walk the route. Well, it was more of a drag."

In her spare time, Sally gives talks to disabled people. "I want to show that there's life after a horrible diagnosis, but I feel you have to go with your character and circumstance. You don't have to do some extreme sport. Another person's Ben Nevis might be getting out of bed —it is for me, some days. Achievement comes an inch at a time."

THE SWEETEST FEELING

Alison Stephenson fell in love with the flute at an early age. "It was bright and shiny- and pretty. It was just something I felt drawn to, as though it was meant for me."

It was the beginning of an extraordinary musical journey for the profoundly deaf 29-year-old. Unable to hear her own performance, Alison now plays flute at recital level, and experiences music as a visual and sensory phenomenon.

"I've always been very stubborn," she says cheerfully. "If someone says I can't do something, then I do my best to prove them wrong. My first experience of music was at primary school when I was seven—I'd learned to sign and lip-read, so I was in a mainstream state school. The teacher told me I couldn't join the recorder group because of my hearing. So I started playing up and, in the end, they gave in. They realised that I could do it and that I was good. It was great because being part of the group made me feel 'normar."

Alison soon turned to the flute and, nurtured by a succession of teachers, she was performing in a youth orchestra and wind ensemble by the age of 12, as well as at church and charity functions.

How did she do it?

"When I started, I used a mirror to learn the mouth shapes I needed

for each note and, when my teacher told me I was playing it correctly, I memorised the corresponding vibration in my body."

She suffuses her playing with emotion and tone by visualising the "story" of the music. "I might `see' a bouncy, exciting piece with short notes as a girl on a Space Hopper with pigtails bouncing up and down. The happy girl is how I `feel' allegro, whereas the brief, detached bounces of the Space Hopper have a staccato feel."

Married with two kids, she now works in a Yorkshire property-management company, but still performs when she can—music is her "release valve".

"Often, living in silence is frustrating. But if I'm down, I can play a fast, aggressive piece without it hurting anyone."

"Just because you're deaf doesn't mean you can't achieve your dreams"

Alison is committed to removing barriers for those with hearing problems. She spends much of her time organising arts courses for the National Deaf Children's Society, and advises kids' organisations —from the Brownies to football clubs—on how to make their activities more deaf-friendly.

"Nothing is impossible," she counsels. "Just because you're deaf doesn't mean you can't achieve your dreams." ■

Paddy Ashdown remember.•

...LIVING IN INDIA UNTIL I WAS FOUR, where my father was an army officer. One of my early memories is a wide expanse of flat water, with roofs sticking up above it. This was a famous occasion when the Sukkur Barrage broke and the huge Sindh Valley flooded. My mother and I floated across it in a boat.

...SAILING OFF TO LIVE IN NORTHERN IRELAND. The sea was a marvel to me. I remember the creamy white foam, and a dim vision of Cape Town as we sailed past.

Our first house was a wonderful coastguard's cottage stuck out on an isolated, rocky prominence. The second was in Donnaghadee. It was a typical Irish seaside town with a population of about 2,000, a lovely harbour and a lighthouse.

I was always out

climbing cliffs or getting into adventures. I remember once jumping in a "boat" with a friend of mine, aged about five, because my parents were being horrible to me. So I was going to sail away to England in an old fruit crate. Fortunately the thing sank before we got into deep water!

...MY FATHER TELLING ME, "BEING A GENTLEMAN ISN'T ABOUT CLASS, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE." He taught me two invaluable things. One was: never be afraid to hold a minority opinion. The second was the value of empathy—you should always be prepared to put yourself in someone else's shoes.

Passion for poisson: Paddy with his first ever salmon catch, 1952

...GOING TO BOARDING SCHOOL.

The first time, my father took me over. Then I'd make the journey myself and wave goodbye to my parents on Belfast 0.

Dock. I'd sail to Liverpool, cross the city to Lime Street, get the train to Crewe, change there, get to Bletchley, change again...it's etched on my mind.

At the age of 12, I was so panicky about missing my connections that I'd sit out on Crewe station with the wind howling past for half an hour before the train arrived—just in case it came early and I got left behind!

...I WAS BADLY BULLIED FOR BEING IRISH. I had a broad accent (that's where the nickname "Paddy" came from), so I got picked on—until I proved that I was as tough as anybody else. If they wanted a fight, I could do that perfectly adequately!

I've always hated bullies. I became head of my house and in those days —it's scarcely believable now—you had the right, as an 18-yearold boy, to beat pupils with a cane. My greatest pride was that I never did.

...LOSING TWO BROTHERS AND A SISTER. That business of early loss has lived with me always; I get so panicky when my kids are ill now. I have only dim memories of my brother Richard [who died aged 11 months when Paddy was a young child]. My brother Robert died of leukaemia when I was fighting in Borneo in 1964, aged 14. It hit me very hard, especially because I wasn't there. Later

on, I lost a third sibling [sister Melanie, who was killed in a car accident in Australia]. It was a very searing experience.

...MEETING MY WIFE JANE. It was December 8, 1959, at a ball at the commando training centre at Lympstone, Devon. I was an 18-year-old marine, between girlfriends, so I invited my cousin Fiona. She was staying in a hotel, so I went to pick her up dressed in my mess uniform. But the publican sent me into Jane's bedroom by mistake.

She was sitting there, her hair in curlers, and I said, "Oh, I'm terrible sorry!" That night, I only danced with her once, which is odd because she'd struck me straightaway. But, the following day, we all met in the Clarence Hotel in Exeter. I was finding it boring because everybody was a bit "ya boo"—all frightfully jolly young country gentlemen. Yet here was

With his mum Lois, dad John and brother Tim (on dad's back); (inset) in training in Doone Valley, Exmoor, 1959

I hit him across the room with more force than I've ever hit anyone

With Jane, daughter Kate and dog Tandy ifte,Tountains of '1968 a path taken in very small steps. What [US army officer] William Calley had done in My Lai was to take a small step further than what was already tolerated.

So I had inadvertently made it clear to my marines that abusing prisoners was not a sign of toughness or being a good soldier, but completely unacceptable. If you stop a culture growing, you stop the end point. I don't claim any wisdom for the act itself, though—it was done out of anger.

...THE WORST YEAR OF OUR LIFE —A YEAR OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

this extraordinary, attractive girl, and we got talking about poetry and music. I said, "I really want to go round and see the cathedral," and she said, "Can I come with you?" And that was it.

...PUNCHING A FELLOW SOLDIER.

I returned from a patrol in Borneo to find one of our marines beating a prisoner. I hit him across the room with more force than I've ever hit anyone, I suspect. I could have been court-martialled for it.

But a couple of years later, in 1968, the story of the My Lai massacre broke, and l realised that evil is not something that you jump to from innocence in one go. It's

I applied for 300 jobs in the recession of the early 1980s—including one as a lorry driver. I took a test for an HGV licence and the bloke said, "Do me a favour—never drive a heavy goods vehicle. You're lethal!"

Eventually, I got a job on a Dorset County Council community programme set up to help young people back into work. I learned a fantastic amount. We were living off the smell of an oily rag, but I loved my work and it opened up a completely new dimension for me. Then I was elected as MP for Yeovil in 1983—a huge privilege for which I'm very proud.

...FLYING OUT TO BOSNIA FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 1992, TO LEARN ABOUT THE BALKANS CONFLICT.

I met with Radovan Karadzic, the Serbian president, and I believed what he told o.

I disgrace myself in those situations. I can't stop the tears

me. I didn't know anything about the former Yugoslavia, or understand that someone could lie to your face like that. Then I saw what was happening the following day [at a concentration camp full of Bosnians], and became obsessed by it.

I saw it as the Spanish Civil War of our generation. While that tragedy was going on, every moment that I wasn't in Bosnia felt like a betrayal. You needed to be there to bear witness.

Paddy weeps with the relative of a victim of the Srebrenica massacre, Bosnia, 2005

...CRYING OFTEN DURING MY SUBSEQUENT PEACE WORK.

[Paddy lobbied for UN intervention in the Balkans and became the UN's high representative to Bosnia in 2002.]

When I see somebody at a refugee camp, I see my own wife and daughter, and feel their tragedy. But you also gain an understanding of how fortunate you are, as well as a sense of guilt. I'm afraid I disgrace myself in those situations; I can't stop the tears coming. I'm not particularly proud of that. But I think I sometimes

come across as quite unyielding or tough, because I feel so passionately about things. Without that bit of empathy I'd be a pretty defective person, to be honest.

...LEADING THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS. It was tough at first because I wasn't very good at it and my party were very patient with me. The hardest part was just to keep going. I remember that dreadful moment in 1999's European Election when we were represented in the opinion poll by an asterisk denoting no detectable support. I was plagued by nightmares saying that the party of Gladstone would end with me.

To keep going—to invest other people with the belief that I could do it—was tough.

A high point was the 1997 election, when we more than doubled our number of MPs to 46. The Lib Dems—as a formidable force able to alter the balance of power—were born that day.

...THAT ELECTION WAS SPECIAL FOR A DIFFERENT REASON.

...NEVER WASTING ANY TIME.

Still involved: Paddy wit Charles Kennedy and Ni h successors ck Clegg

My first grandson Matthias was born. But my daughter Kate was in labour for 72 hours! If you're me and see every sickness as a tragedy about to happen, it's terrifying trying to fight a campaign

• when you're thinking, God, what's

• happening? I was sitting in front of a TV camera in Cardiff when my assistant

• finally came in to see me and said, "It's a son!" I burst into tears.

LIE BACK, HAVE A DRINK AND

I can't imagine not being busy, turbulent, engaged. I'm frightened of retirement, so I live by pushing against the bits around me. I'm contented because, at 71, people still want me to do things. I like to think I'm useful to my party and its gifted young leader, Nick Clegg, to whom I'm devoted. And I've got grandchildren and my beloved garden in Somerset...I look back on my life and say, "It may not have been all success, but I don't know how I could have crammed much more into it." ■ As told to Ellie Rose

» Paddy's new book A Brilliant Little Operation: The Cockleshell Heroes and the Most Courageous Raid of WW2 is out now

Some people obviously find it hard to chill out, even on holiday—as reader Marilyn Martin found out. She kept a note of the most bizarre complaints she received while working on villa-maintenance reports in Spain.

"I want the weather vane taken off the roof. It moves around when I'm sunbathing and annoys me."

"Please send someone round to change the lounge curtains. My wife can't stand them." [A phone call from a man whose wife could be heard sobbing noisily in the background.]

"The beam from the lighthouse shines into our bedroom and disturbs my sleep. Kindly get them to turn the light off at night."

Our 100-word-story competition was a huge hit when we launched it in 2010, so we've decided to do it for a third time! It's a chance of publishing glory for all you budding authors out there—as long as you can write a compelling story in just 100 words, like the one below from writer John O'Farrell.

Turn over to read three more stories from top authors, written exclusively for Reader's Digest, and find details of how to enter

John O'Farrell

As a mayfly, he would live for just one day. So it was probably a mistake to sleep in till noon.

"I'm middle-aged!" he wailed. "There was so much I meant to do..."

He tried to make plans. That was the afternoon gone.

Finally, he met a female mayfly and felt some pressure to make a success of their first date. They spent a perfect evening together, flitting above the still summer water, feeling themselves grow old.

You know, Midge," he said, "life goes so quickly, we never find time to tell our partners that we love them... Midge? Midge?" ►

■ Author and comedy scriptwriter John O'Farrell's latest novel

The Man Who Forgot

His Wife is published by Black Swan.

READER'S DIGEST 100-WORD STORY

■ Please send your stories—which should be original, unpublished and exactly 100 words long—to 100wordstory@readersdigest.co.uk by January 31, 2013.

■ There are three categories— one for adults, and two categories for schools: one for children aged 12-18, and one for children under 12.

■ In the adult category, the entry voted best by our panel of judges will receive £1,000, and two runners-up will each receive £100 in book tokens.

■ In each of the school categories, the prize for the winner is £500 of high-street vouchers of their choice, and £500 for their school. Mark each entry either "Adults", "Schools 12-18 category" or "Schools under-12 category". Winning entries will be published in a future issue.

Many of last year's stories were so good, we decided to publish a new one online every day—read them at readers digest.co.uk/ magazine

Dr Brooke Magnanti

They met on the internet. He was smarting after a bad split; she was tired of the dating scene. She wanted easy, she said. He wanted no strings. They agreed it was the wrong time to get serious.

And the physical side? They didn't agree on much, but that they did. Shame I'd never consider him seriously, she thought.

She told him you can't build a relationship on sex alone. He told her he would only marry someone he'd known as a friend first.

One wedding, ten years, two children.

They met on the internet, they tell everyone. No strings.

■ Dr Brooke Magnanti (formerly known as Belle de Jour) is a judge for the Wellcome Trust Book Prize, which celebrates medicine in literature. The winner is announced next month.

Tim Key

Ten women always met on Thursday mornings at each other's houses. They drank coffee and gossiped. It was called "The Huntingdon Ladies" after the town "Huntingdon" where it all happened.

One day, Diana—a 75kg mother— made a "suggestion". "Next week, let's all meet in a lagoon in Turkey."

Everyone thought this was a hoot. Apart from Sandra. "Next Thursday's supposed to be at my house."

Diana squinted at her.

The following week, three women sipped apple tea in a lagoon near OlUdeniz, five women went for coffee at Sandra's, and two women did not even attend a coffee morning.

■ Comedian and poet Tim Key's national tour Masterslut runs until November.

(See theinvisible dot.com)

Jane Thynne

Florence in mid-August was a ghost town. The locals fled to the seaside, leaving tourists wandering hotly round the Uffizi.

It was their honeymoon, but Edward was miles ahead with the guidebook, abandoning Dorothy, who was wondering if she had made a mistake.

She came to a portrait of a handsome Florentine, with sensuous lips and seductive eyes. His gaze caressed her skin and seemed to read her thoughts. He stirred something deep within her and she blushed.

"They say the eyes follow you," she explained, when Edward came crossly to find her.

"Whose eyes?" he demanded. "This room's empty."

■ Jane Thynne's latest novel Black Roses is published by Simon and Schuster next March.

How do you trap a gang of crack dealers when loyalty is as strong as family ties?

BY TIM BOUQUET

Although he lived within a spit of Everton's stadium, the Liverpool anthem "You'll Never Walk Alone" was never more apt as Anthony Whitney left his house in the city's Walton district on March 17, 2010. His every step was being followed.

He was the latest target of Matrix, an elite undercover police unit formed in 2006 to crack down on drug dealing in a city with some 12,500 serious users

and turf wars that had seen more than 120 firearm incidents a year, 40 injuries and several deaths.

In December 2009, a nine-month Matrix operation had helped jail 12 people for a £1.2m drug conspiracy. Yet the street dealing went on—the big suppliers were still out there. So Matrix had turned its attention to Anthony Whitney because in recent months his name kept coming up in relation to drug deals when ►

LESLIE WHITNEY PAUL WHITNEY THOMAS DOWD

CAROL WHITNEY MATTHEW MAYOR MARY McCABE

WAYNE HINCKS

ANTHONY WHITNEY

LISA WHITNEY

undercover officers spoke to street addicts. He was also the cousin of one of the 2009 conspirators.

As the Matrix team looked into Whitney's affairs they found that, despite having no visible income, the 28-year-old flitted frequently to a flat he owned on the Costa Blanca. He had a conviction for dealing Class-A drugs at 16. Had he graduated into a major player?

Matrix watched Whitney go up to a first-floor flat on City Road, rented by his friend Thomas Dowd. Minutes later, a group of uniformed police officers rushed the stairs in what was supposed

cook it in smaller quantities and sell the rocks really quickly. You'd need a highly organised distribution network to shift that much."

It looked as if Doherty's team had taken a major step closer to uncovering Liverpool's drug overlords. But Dowd was saying nothing and Whitney had made it to Spain—it would take a lengthy extradition process to get him back. Where could Matrix go next?

A down-and-out, Ray, had spent months drifting with the addicts of north Liverpool, selling razor blades and

The flat was a crack factory...officers found cocaine

worth nearly £100,000 to look like an ad-hoc drugs search inspired by some random tip-off.

"The last thing we wanted to do was give Whitney the impression that he was the object of a major surveillance operation," Matrix head, Detective Chief Superintendent Tony Doherty recalls.

Battering their way into the flat past a sofa barricade, the officers heard the sound of breaking glass. Whitney and Dowd, 29, had jumped out of a back window. Dowd was arrested in the street, but Whitney escaped.

The flat was a crack factory. Alongside mixing agents and a cooking pan, Matrix officers found 670g of cocaine rocks worth just under £100,000. It was the second biggest crack-factory seizure in the UK. "You never normally get that much crack," Tony Doherty explains. "Usually they

toiletries on the street to buy drugs. He slept rough, never saw his family and risked his life every day, just like the smack heads.

But "Ray" was no junkie. He was an undercover Matrix cop, who'd tap addicts for information and buy drugs from dealers while his colleagues filmed the transactions, providing vital evidence for later court cases. It was he who would provide the investigation's next breakthrough.

With street dealers wary of allowing their mobile numbers to be given to new customers, Ray had been relying on other addicts to set up deals—in return for a cut of the drugs. But over the past few weeks, he'd become particularly friendly with a female user. Waiting around for a dealer one day, she finally

CAROL WHITNEY'S HOUSE IN ANFIELD.

Matrix officers noticed the huge number of callers to the house—and the heavy suitcase Whitney took indoors. Police were keen to see what was inside it

decided he could be trusted and said: "This is the number you call to get the Whitneys out."

Ray phoned a man who called himself "Wayne". Ray gradually convinced the dealer that he was above board and, over the course of several street deals, the two men built up such a rapport that Ray was able to discover that "Wayne" was 28-year-old Wayne Hincks. Sometimes during deals, Wayne's girlfriend, a woman with a thin, hard face, was in the back seat of his car holding the wraps of drugs. Her name was Lisa: Anthony Whitney's sister.

Matrix began investigating the couple. Neither Wayne nor 31-year-old Lisa had jobs, yet they'd just bought a brand-new semi in Hilary Road, Anfield. The money for the mortgage had been put up by Lisa's mum, Carol Whitney, who lived in the next street, Hildebrand Road.

"Something wasn't right there," says Doherty. "Carol Whitney was living off invalidity benefits."

Doherty's team set up covert cameras and watched Carol Whitney's front door from unmarked vans. It opened and closed so often every day, it was a wonder it didn't fall off its hinges. Streams of callers arrived or left clutching carrier bags. "Nobody stayed more than a minute," Doherty read in the intelligence notes. It was likely that the pebble-dashed semi was a safe house where dealers collected their wraps and deposited the cash, he reasoned.

At 12.02pm on July13, 2010, Carol Whitney pulled up outside her house, opened the hatch of a silver estate and removed ►

• a small black suitcase. When it hit the ground with force, surveillance officers could tell it was heavy. Whitney wheeled it up her path and into her house.

"We need to look at that case," Doherty said. But he needed a stronger pretext than a hunch. Ill-timed raids jeopardise entire operations.

Later that afternoon, Carol's oldest son Paul arrived at his mother's house. He was carrying something more threatening: a rifle case. Tony Doherty immediately got a search warrant. At 7.5Opm, local police went into the Hildebrand

Doherty called in a Matrix "disruption unit", trained to enter buildings fast

Road house. But instead of a gun, they found wads of neatly folded sterling and euro notes totalling £5,000.

"I collected it from friends for a savings club," Carol Whitney told them. Then they discovered wraps of heroin and cocaine, scales and a CS gas canister.

On the side was Carol's passport. "I'm going to Spain tomorrow," she said. "The flights are all booked." A day later, and she would have slipped from Matrix's grasp.

Inside the passport was a slip of paper with the contact details for a man who'd been arrested by Spanish police at Matrix's behest on a ferry bound for Ibiza

from Denia, where Anthony Whitney lived. In his car they found 50,000 pink mock Ecstasy tablets. "Liverpool gangs had long been peddling them in Ibiza's clubs," says Doherty.

Officers found the wheeled suitcase in Carol Whitney's shed. It contained 20,000 more mock Es.

"That suitcase has nothing to do with me," she said. "First time I've seen it." Film footage said otherwise. She was similarly adamant about the 520 heroin wraps found in a bag hanging from one of her trees and 30 rounds of 9mm bullets buried in a flower bed.

Carol Whitney was bailed pending further enquiries. These showed that hundreds of thousands of pounds had been sent from her bank account to Spain to fund what she called Anthony's "property business". From now on, Matrix officers referred to Carol as "The Banker". But was she the boss?

Lab tests on the heroin bag revealed DNA that matched a sample given by Paul Whitney when he'd been arrested for dealing in 2001.

The 32-year-old had moved out of north Liverpool and was living in a plush detached house on a private estate near Aintree racecourse. He hosted regular

MARY McCABE, WAYNE HINCKS AND LISA

meetings at home with a small group of other high-living men, all with no obvious means of support. One was bull-necked Matthew Mayor, 37, who lived in a large house with manicured lawns in Haydock and drove a silver S-Series Mercedes. Whenever these summits took place, another of Whitney's associates flew to Amsterdam, Spain and other well-known drug-supply hubs. Days later, the streets of Liverpool would be flush with drugs.

"At first we thought Anthony Whitney was the top man," says Tony Doherty. "But now it appeared that nothing happened without Paul's say-so."

With Carol Whitney's operation sidelined, it would have surprised nobody if the Whitneys had taken time out. "But greed is a powerful drug," says one of the Matrix covert officers. "If they'd stopped, somebody else would have come in and stolen their business. And we were still using local police to do the arrests so the gang had no idea they were being targeted [and watched] systematically."

Matrix continued to tail the dealers who'd been visiting Carol Whitney's house and found they were now calling at an address in Watford Road, close to Liverpool's Anfield stadium. This was the home of Carol's estranged husband

Leslie. The 57-year-old was living with 29-year-old barmaid Emma McKenzie and their 18-month-old child.

At 12.53 on September 28, 2010, Matthew Mayor arrived at Leslie Whitney's house. His visit lasted 40 seconds and he left behind whatever he'd been carrying under his arm. Before driving off, he made a call. His mobile-phone records revealed subsequently that it was to Paul Whitney.

Tony Doherty sensed a big deal was about to be cut, and hit the streets. Ray and other undercover cops had reported that there had been shortages. Doherty

called in a Matrix "disruption unit", trained to enter buildings fast. Eight officers in black riot helmets jumped out of a white van and smashed their way through the front window of the house. Emma McKenzie was in the front room, tending her child, but Leslie was seen running from the back and was caught as he threw a bag containing a kilo of heroin into next door's garden.

While Matrix officers searched the house, they agreed that Emma's mum Mary McCabe should come and take the toddler. McKenzie prepared the nappy bag maternally but, as she gave it to McCabe, an officer grew suspicious ►

WHITNEY with a suitcase found to be full of heroin—and an SA80 assault rifle

POLICE CHASING MATTHEW MAYOR'S Mercedes as Mayor throws bags of white powder out of the window. By the time he was caught, he'd dumped £120,000 of heroin

and grabbed it. Among the wipes and food, Emma had slipped wraps of cocaine.

Emma McKenzie was arrested along with Leslie Whitney.

By the time Mary McCabe got home to Cherry Lane, Walton, another Matrix team was in place. Soon after, Lisa Whitney and Wayne Hincks turned up and Wayne re-emerged pulling a large suitcase, which, with difficulty, he managed to heave into the back of Mary's Peugeot. He and Lisa drove off quickly in their car, with McCabe and the toddler following in the Peugeot.

Matrix called in traffic police. McCabe was pulled over. The case was indeed heavy. Apart from £600,000 of heroin, it contained a standard infantry issue SA80 assault rifle, stolen from an army base on Salisbury Plain. On September 30, Hinks, McCabe and McKenzie were remanded in custody.

Paul Whitney still carried on business as usual but, with his key personnel depleted, big guns had to perform more menial tasks.

During afternoon rush hour on December 17 police spotted a car they'd been told to look out for—a silver S-Series Mercedes—on Queens Drive, Allerton, and followed it. The driver, Matthew Mayor, sensed them and picked up speed. When he hit a slow-moving jam he weaved in and out of vehicles, ignoring lights, mounting pavements and crossing the central reservation. As he drove, he was throwing bags out of his window. They hit the road and burst, spraying clouds of white powder.

When Mayor was eventually hemmed in by police cars, he'd ditched two kilos

of heroin with a street value of 020,000, but one of the bags had failed to burst. With Mayor arrested apparently randomly by traffic police, Paul Whitney still wasn't fully aware of what was going on. A raid on his home a few days later revealed 17 mobile phones containing a trove of evidence to incriminate him as gang leader, along with bin liners full of drugs. By January 24, 2011, after a series of raids, he and the remainder of the gang had been arrested and charged.

In November, faced with hours of film, phone and banking evidence, 13 members of the Whitney gang were sentenced to a total of 82 years in prison. Paul Whitney got nine years, four months. His mother Carol got eight years, and

even Emma McKenzie got two years, nine months.

After 18 months of tireless police work, the reign of a shameless, dangerous criminal family—who'd dominated the Liverpool drugs scene for at least five years and may have been involved in numerous acts of violence—had finally come to an end. Merseyside firearm incidents reduced by 33 per cent between 2005 and 2010 and the police are now trying to recover at least £1.4m in criminal assets.

And Anthony? He was finally extradited from Spain and jailed for seven years on December 12, 2011. He couldn't wriggle out of trouble this time—he'd left his bloody signature on the broken window of the City Road crack factory. ■

NATURAL WONDERS WILDERNESS

The news that an Australian spider, prethopalpus attenboroughi, has been named after BBC broadcasting legend David Attenborough is nothing new—naturalists have been immortalised in the natural world for centuries. But the intrusion of celebrity into this field is often rather random.

A blind cave beetle found only in Slovenia, for instance, was given the title

And quite what President Barack Obama felt about having his name appropriated by a rare species of lichen (caloplaca obamae) hasn't yet been recorded.

anophthalmus hitleri in 1933, mainly because the collector was an admirer of the future dictator. Since then, there's been the more appropriate sylvilagus palustris hefneri (pictured above), a marsh bunny that tips the hat to Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. But it's harder to explain the Bob Marley crustacean (christened gnathia marleyi out of "admiration for Marley's music") or the Beyonce insect (scaptia beyonceae).

Thanks to the "Downton Abbey effect", hundreds of magnificent country houses dotted all over the country have never been more popular. From Kent to Selkirk, we choose a few of the most spectacular

HILL HOUSE, TWICKENHAM

"It is charming," wrote Horace Walpole to a friend, "to totter into vogue." In 1847, Walpole— art historian, novelist, legendary gossip—bought a Thameside cottage in Twickenham (which at the time was two hours from London). "A little play-thinghouse...the prettiest bauble you ever saw," he said. Some bauble. He started rebuilding it to house his art collection—a project that would take 50 years.

Bucking the trend for neoclassicism, his inspiration was Gothic cathedrals—vaulting, stained glass and quatrefoil windows, to which he added battlements, pinnacles and a round tower. His seminal creation set a trend for "Strawberry Hill Gothik". The house (as you can see from the picture on the previous spread) is a jaw-dropping flight of fantasy by the man who coined the term "serendipity". See strawberryhillhouse. org.uk for more details

BOWHILL HOUSE, SELKIRK

The home of the Duke of Buccleuch and Queensberry, "Sweet Bowhill" was celebrated by Sir Walter Scott in his poem "The Lay of the Last Minstrel" (the original manuscript is displayed in the study). Indeed, he was a frequent visitor, popping over for a cuppa from his own nearby house in Abbotsford.

Once a modest 18th-century building used occasionally as a summer house, Bowhill was extended and transformed in the 19th century into a villa with a galleried hall (pictured below). The land, including the Ettrick Forest, was originally granted by Robert the Bruce. A large part of the family's art collection is here—Canaletto, Reynolds and Gainsborough—as well as all kinds of precious silverware, china, tapestries and French furniture. House and estate is open in spring and summer, and by arrangement at other times. See bowhill.org

The lake where Mr Darcy (Colin Firth) took that dip!

It was from this very lake at Lyme Park that Mr Darcy (played by a fresh-faced Colin Firth) emerged in the BBC's adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. (The "wet-shirt scene" so enthralled one viewer, a Mrs Leffman, that she bequeathed £100,000 to the National Trust immediately on the strength of it.)

The largest house in Cheshire, at the edge of the Peak District, Lyme Park is set in well over 1,000 acres of deer park, and was home to the Legh family for nearly 600 years.

Originally late Elizabethan, the house

was altered, improved, neglected and refurbished over generations, and finally arrived at its present form. Visitors get to see what historian Nikolaus Pevsner called "the craziest Elizabethan frontispiece"— beyond is an Italian Renaissance courtyard. In the entrance hall is a portrait of the Black Prince, who first granted the estate to Legh. Many visitors, though, head straight for the lake at the back. See nationaltrust.org.ukilyme-park for more details ►

Magical mystery: Knole featured in the music video for The Beatles' "Strawberry Fields Forever"

KNOLE, KENT

What's known as a calendar house, Knole has 365 rooms, 52 staircases, 12 entrances and seven courtyards. Originally an Episcopal (or bishop's) palace, it was grabbed by the crown during the reformation and given by Elizabeth Ito her cousin Thomas Sackville, 1st Earl of Dorset, who turned it into a Renaissance mansion. Later earls and dukes filled it with precious furniture, textiles and paintings. Famously, it was the childhood home of writer, gardener and bohemian Vita Sackville-West. Virginia Woolf, Vita's lover, set her novel Orlando at Knole. For Vita, the house had "a deep inward gaiety of some very old woman who has always been beautiful, who has had many lovers, and who has seen many generations

come and go".

( . 1 ( 1,000 acres of park where

Knole is set in over g deer roam free. Owned by I tu, the National Trust, some of the rooms are open to o the public, but over half of Fi the house is still inhabited 1 by the Sackville-Wests. Check before visiting, as PE the gardens may be shut a 6 for restoration this year. See nationaltrust.org. R uk/knole

The seat of the Carnarvon family since 1697, Highclere is better known to TV viewers by a different name: Downton Abbey. It was here that the wildly successful TV series was filmed—in fact, it inspired the original idea because the earl and his wife are friends of creator Julian Fellowes. The original house was remodelled by the 3rd Earl and architect Sir Charles Barry, and, as any Downtown viewer can tell you, interiors are rich, ornate and sumptuous. The 4th Earl was a member of Disraeli's cabinet, and "Dizzy" was a frequent visitor (his first words on seeing the house were, "How scenical! How scenical!"). The 5th Earl of Carnarvon funded Howard Carter's discovery of the tomb of Tutankhamun, while the 8th Earl and his wife still occupy the house, and deal graciously with coachloads of tourists and Downton fans. See highclerecastle.co.uk for more details ■

CARDIFF CASTLE

John Patrick CrichtonStuart, 3rd Marquis of Bute, was a keen medievalist and obscenely rich—the Butes had helped to turn Cardiff into the "coal metropolis of the world". In 1865, the 3rd Marquis started to transform its crumbling castle, unleashing architect and artist William Burges upon it.

Eccentric and childlike, Burges smoked opium, wore fancy dress, and was in thrall to the idea of a Utopian medieval land. The result was Burges's most important work, and a creation of eye-popping lavishness—sumptuously decorated interiors with gildings, carvings and allegorical murals. In Lord Bute's bedroom (pictured above) biblical scenes explore the life of John the Baptist under a mirrored ceiling. At the top of the tower, in the smoking room, there's a vaulted ceiling and a zodiac-tiled floor. Spectacular. See cardiffcastle.com for more details

BEAULIEU PALACE HOUSE, HAMPSHIRE

bequest—Palace House was first built by Cistercian monks in the 13th century (it was the Abbey's gatehouse), but was remodelled in the Gothic-revival style, keeping some of the original features. The atmospheric ruins of the monastery cloisters, destroyed under orders from Henry VIII, can also be seen.

Home to the Montagu family since forever, Edward John Barrington Douglas-ScottMontagu, 3rd Baron Montagu of Beaulieu (to give him his full title), inherited the property in 1951, aged 25. It was quite a

To raise money to run the place, the 3rd Baron opened the National Motor Museum in 1952 (car buffs swarm here for the James Bond car collection), and in 1956 he started the first country-house jazz festival in the considerable grounds. See beaulieu.co.uk for more details

"It is indeed a palace for a prince, a most magnificent building," said writer Daniel Defoe in the 1720s. And he wasn't exaggerating. Originally built by the formidable Bess of Hardwick, who had the job of guarding Mary, Queen of Scots here (the Queen of Scots' Apartments still exist), Chatsworth was rebuilt by Bess's son, the Duke of Devonshire: later, "Capability" Brown landscaped the enormous grounds, and later still a huge greenhouse was added by Joseph Paxton.

One of Chatsworth's most notorious residents was Lady Georgiana Spencer, Duchess of Devonshire, an 18th-century socialite, fashionista and gambler, played by Keira Knightley in The Duchess (above). An ancestor of Diana, Princess of Wales, Georgiana's ravishing portrait by Gainsborough hangs in the Long Gallery (it was famously stolen and chopped in half), along with many other stunning works of art, including Reynolds' sketches of Georgiana. Room upon room is overstuffed with treasures. This remarkable house is still inhabited by the current Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, and the family's interest in modern art is evident all around. See chatsworth.org for more details

Do you know a beautiful palace or castle to rival the ones mentioned here? Then we'd love to hear from you! Send us an email—with a picture if possible —to theeditor* readersdigest.co.uk.

Taken from The Most Amazing Stately Homes in Britain: Great Country Houses and Grand Estates in England, Scotland and Wales (Reader's Digest, £19.99), available at readersdigest. co.uk/shop NEXT MONTH: CINEMAS

The most amazing stately homes in

THE MAVERICK

"WE NEED TO SHOW LESS EMOTION, NOT MORE"

From The X Factor to Match of the Day, L today's programmes are damaging our national character, argues Ray Connolly

Someone burst Into tears on TV the other night.I forget who. She'd probably just sung a song in tune and been over-enthusiastically applauded. Or maybe it was an inventor who got a light rubbishing from the panel on Dragon's Den.

We all have a little cry now and then. Andy Murray's tears were understandable at Wimbledon, as were those of some of our gold-medal winners at the Olympics. Murray felt he'd let himself and the entire nation down —heavy-duty disappointment by anyone's standards— while the successful athletes had just realised oncedistant dreams after years of training. But all those reality-show contestants who, like lachrymose Pavlov's dogs, obligingly cry on cue just before the credits roll...? I just don't believe them or their emotions.

What I find disturbing is that such exaggerated behaviour on TV has now been so absorbed by viewers that it's considered to be normal. It isn't. As Woody Allen once put it, "Life doesn't imitate art. It imitates bad television."

For instance, every August, in every school, you'll ►

• now see sixth-form girls throw their arms around each other, weeping joyfully when they get their A-level results. "What's all the fuss about?" we ask ourselves. "I didn't go into meltdown when I got my exam results—not in public anyway, and never from happiness."

But girls have learned to cry like this because shining, wet eyes are what gets shown in soaps or Big Brother at moments of happy relief.

The insincerity has somehow spread to sport, too. When Geoff Hurst scored his tumultuous WorldCup-winning goal for England in 1966, he didn't get much more than brief, hearty arms round the shoulder from his teammates; certainly no kissing and cuddling. Now little boys go into paroxysms of embracing delight whenever one scores a goal during a Sunday morning kick-about, because they see Premier League football players and even cricketers doing similar on TV week in and week out.

secretly thinking, If I'm lucky and get there at the right time, I might be seen doing a bit of grieving on TV?

None of this behaviour is anything more than distasteful, perhaps, but children learning how to behave from TV may have malign effects.

British understatement took generations to develop.

Tat television is changing our behaviour within a few years

Then there's grieving. When a rock or film star dies, are all those pious pilgrimages by fans carrying roses wrapped in Cellophane really displays of grief? Or do some "mourners" just turn up at the "shrine" because there are television cameras there and the laying of flowers at a scene of tragedy is what happens on the news? Are they

When Sir Alan Sugar does his guming bogeyman act on The Apprentice or Gordon Ramsay swears at his television kitchen staff; you and I know that both men are largely pantomime acts. But many primary-school pupils don't. While teachers and parents try to prevent some children being picked on by others, these cheaply made programmes are putting out the message that it's OK if adults bully each other. Indeed, teachers' unions have criticised such faux TV hard men for legitimising and encouraging playground name-calling and swearing.

Being young has never been easy. But nurtured by online videos and all things visual, and now armed with camera phones, would it be any surprise if some young people feel they're inhabiting their own TV programme? That their life is what's on the screen? On YouTube, we already find elaborately rehearsed and stage-managed weddings and marriage proposals, as well as other, usually private, performances.

I suppose you could argue that the much-admired British stiff upper lip was often as contrived as any of the staged emotional conflagrations on Made in Chelsea or The Only Way Is Essex. But British understatement and stoicism were characteristics that served us well in times of national crisis and took generations to develop. Tat television is changing our behaviour within a few years. There was a fashionable phrase

Whether it's bizarre records, strange inventions or eccentric activities, you sometimes get the impression that there's a lot of energy being expended in this world to no great effect.

from a few years ago that went, "You are what you eat." But we're now in danger of becoming what we watch: a nation of weeping, bullying, overemotional, insincere phonies. ■

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» Ray Connolly is a novelist, journalist and screenwriter

—he's currently writing the screenplay for a film about Dusty Springfield. His latest novella Sorry Boys, You Failed the Audition is out now as a Kindle eBook.

F OUR TIME

A record to be proud of? According to the Guinness World Records, the most spoons balanced on a face is 17, achieved by ten-year-old Canadian Aaron Caissie on April 18, 2009—which must have casued quite a stir at the time.

A tragic love story, with no obvious implications

The Ig Nobel Prizes are awarded annually for weird scientific breakthroughs, and last year's Biology Prize was snared by two scientists who discovered, after painstaking research, that a species of beetle (a male jewel) often tries to mate with a type of beer bottle—a shortnecked "stubby"—mistaking it for an attractive female. Maybe they've drunk the beer first.

A Void by Georges Perec

A 300-page French novel written entirely without using the letter "e". It was translated into English by Gilbert Adair in 1995, also without using an "e". But is it any good?

BIC For Her It's

what

all the ladies have been waiting for—a ballpoint pen "designed to fit comfortably in a woman's hand". Amazon reviewers have responded with heavy sarcasm ("I did dreadfully at my exams, and I now know why—I'd purchased a wrongly gendered pen").

HOW TO...

BY LINDA GRAY

1,001 THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNC

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

How to BACK A WINNER

WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE TO WIN £1.4m?

If you happen to be Steve Whiteley, the answer is precisely £2—his stake at an Exeter jackpot race last year. It's enough to tempt anyone to have a flutter, though at odds of almost 900,000-1, the winner is usually Paddy Power. But it is possible to improve the chance of making a profit, or at least of losing less.

The surest way is to back the favourite. True, it doesn't guarantee a win, but research shows you'll lose only 5.5% compared with 61% if you bet on longshots. Another strategy, recommended by racing journalist Brough Scott, is to follow a successful trainer or jockey, as either can make or break a race.

If you fancy yourself as a tipster (be warned—even experts lose 70% of the time), look at the racecard under "form" for recent race results. The latest are on the

right, which is where you don't want to see high numbers, 0 (also-ran) or the bad-attitude letters P (pulled-up) and R (refused). You'll also need to know how a horse performs over the distance and if it likes the condition of the course.

Now head for the parade ring and if your choice is nervy, upset and covered in sweat, think again. Even better, watch the horses canter to the start. "You can see how they move when ridden and still have time to place a bet," says Scott.

Do that with a bookie, who pays a fixed amount, or the Tote, where winnings vary with the take. The first figure of the odds indicates the amount you could win, so 3/1 pays out £6 for a minimum £2 bet—except if it's odds-on, when the ratio is reversed. That means the bookies are certain the favourite will romp home and any winnings will be derisory.

Bet to a win, for a place, or each way, 2 which covers both—or if you're feeling lucky, try the jackpot and pick six winners z in a row. Stick to £2 bets and even if your horse doesn't win, you should lose less cct) than a "pony" (£25).

How to WI-FI CONS•

LOOK—FREE WI-Fl! Often, we're so glad to find a hotspot, we don't think about security. But most public wi-fi has none. "85% of people we surveyed were happy to log on even when a message warned that the network was dangerous," says James Temperton of Computeractive magazine. "Yet if there are no safeguards, hackers can steal your identity."

So how to stop your free wi-fi session costing far more than a cuppa? At the very least, make sure the hotspot is password-protected, and upgrade your password by opting for a single-use code, two-step verification or sign-in seal, depending on your provider.

If you must check your bank balance, create a Virtual Private Network to hide behind. The software is built into Windows and some smartphones, or download it free—try btinternet.com's service, if you're a subscriber, or the ad-supported Hotspot Shield. Safest of all, connect via the mobile-phone network using a smart-phone or mobile broadband. It may cost (around £1 a day for a pay-as-you-go dongle), but for peace of mind, it's beyond price. ►

How to RESCUE A RARE APPLE

OCTOBER 21 is APPLE DAY, when orchards all over the country give you the chance to sample some of the 700 varieties you won't find in Tesco. Many are heritage apples, struggling to survive— so all the more reason to grow your own. You'll need two trees because apples aren't selfpollinating, but they needn't take up much space. Many heritage trees can be tamed to reach no more than shoulder height, says Jim Arbury, the Royal Horticultural Society's fruit specialist. Look for a

How to PAY LESS TAX

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE JIMMY CARR to want to hang onto your hard-earned cash, but you do have to be vigilant. According to the finance website unbiased.com, we'll overpay by £12.6bn this year—an average of £421 each, or enough for a holiday by the Med. As that's one offshore • scheme we can all approve of, see if these tax-saving wheezes will help you towards a bargain break.

• The Olympic bonus. "If your employer requires you to work from home using your own desk and phone, you should be able to set these expenses against tax. Ideally, this should be written into your contract," says Barry Kernon of accountants H W Fisher.

• The gift that goes on giving. A piano,_ laptop, or an antique desk...lf you're

spur-bearing variety (producing fruit at the sides) on dwarf root stock and plant them in 45-50cm wide pots or train them along a fence. For eating, Arbury recommends Laxton's Fortune ("the best autumn dessert apple"), aniseedy Ellison's Orange, Brownlees Russet ("deep pink blossom and a hint of fennel"), and the strawberry-flavoured Devonshire Quarranden. For cookers, try Keswick Codlin or Lane's Prince Albert. Plant them this November and your work will bear fruit in two years' time.

self-employed and you use it for work, you can set its value against tax, even though you didn't pay for it.

• Extra mileage. Stuck with a measly 20p per mile from your employer when you use your car for work? The Inland Revenue reckons a fair amount is 45p a mile for up to 10,000 miles, so claim the difference against tax, advises Kernon.

• Charitable returns.

• Charities only claim back tax at the basic rate when you fill out a gift-aid form. If you're a higher-rate tax payer, you can claim the difference on your tax return.

• Don't Ignore the obvious. ISAs and most pension payments are tax-free, while unclaimed tax credits add up to £7.3bn a year, says unbiased.com.

Laxton's Fortune

How to ADD VALUE TO YOUR HOME

WITH HOUSE PRICES SLIPPING AND COSTS RISING, it's vital to make sure that home improvements pay their way. Many never have, says Phil Spencer, author of Adding Value to Your Home (£12.99), who cites unsuitable fittings, bodged DIY, and turning the garage into a gym as instant turn-offs. But now, even a loft conversion, once seen as a gold-plated investment, is losing its appeal, according to HSBC's latest survey. Though it still adds an unbeatable £16,000 to the value of a house, its value has dropped by 23%, unlike...

■ Conservatories. Adding more than £9,000 to the price of the average property and 14% up on last year, this is the only home improvement that's increased in value.

■ Extensions. With new homes the smallest in western Europe, it's not surprising that this extra space adds over £15,000 to most homes, dipping just 3% in 12 months.

■ Redecorating. Hurrah—here's something everyone can do that ups a home's value by £3,000, much the same as last year.

■ Resurfacing the drive. Kerb appeal counts, which is why this is worth £2,679.

■ Replacement windows. 8% down on last year, but still adds £4,800-plus.

■ New bathrooms. The value's dropped by 11% but the appeal of power showers and tub baths means a revamped bathroom should add almost £3,000.

How to SAY NO TO REQUESTS

"COULD YOU JUST..."At home and work, we're besieged by requests we'd rather decline. But we often feel obliged to mumble "yes" when we might as well say no because our resentment is so obvious, says psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield, author of 101 Morale Boosters (£8.99).

"People think refusing will make the other person feel hurt or angry and it will be the end of their friendship or job. But it doesn't— it does the opposite," she says. So drop the apologies and follow this script instead.

"You're a really good friend/I really value working here." Start on a positive note that shows you appreciate the relationship.

"But I've given it some thought and decided that I can't help." No need to spell out why you won't lend money or work weekends. "Avoid saying anything that invites a reply, like 'I've got a lot on at the moment,' " says Lindenfield.

"I know you'll be disappointed." Empathy shows that you're aware of the other person's feelings and is vital.

"I hope you understand as our friendship is important to me/I' be able to focus on my job, which will be better for us all." Close with an upbeat ending that stresses the benefits to both of you.

WHAT YOUR ENERGY SUPPLIER WON'T TELL YOU

• I know you'll never leave me. With 400 tariffs, the energy market is so complex that 86% of customers don't understand their bills, and the number of people switching suppliers has fallen to one in six. Energy watchdog Ofgem wants to make things simpler—I'd rather you didn't know that British Gas has obliged.

• I can't hang on to your money. If your account's in credit and you've provided a meter reading, I have to pay up if you demand a refund. I should reduce your direct debit, too, but don't cancel it if I refuse or you'll lose your direct-debit discount.

• Comparison sites can be dodgy. Many push the deals that pay the most commission or are less than independent, like the heating-oil sites that turned out to be owned by fuel suppliers. (Psst...there's a list of officially vetted sites on consumerfocus.org.uk.)

• My letter might not be junk mail. I also have to SOURCES: DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY AND CLIMATE CHANGE, ENERGY OMBUDSMAN, OFFICE OF FAIR TRADING, OFGEM, WHICH?

send you an annual consumption statement, which states how much energy you've used and how much it cost (useful if you want to switch) and gives a forecast for next year.

• Fact: 40% of customers switch to a higher tariff. Funny that, as it's meant to save you £250 a year. Four of the big six suppliers are being investigated for giving misleading information so don't be swayed by the hard sell. Do your homework, then sign up for an online account, at a discount.

• I might give you a discount. The Warm Front grant of £130 towards your electricity bills is being extended to more people this winter. Schemes differ, but it's worth contacting your supplier if you earn less than £16,000pa or claim benefits.

• Beware the "deadlock" letter. It's the "get lost" note I send if I can't resolve your complaint. 60% of people are unhappy about the way

I deal with them, so if you're one, give me eight weeks and then phone the Energy Ombudsman on 0330 440 1624.

• I could end up paying you. If the power goes off, I have to pay you around £25 each day you're without electricity, even if the weather's to blame, and £30 if there's no gas. Missing a meter-reading appointment costs me another £20, plus £20 if I don't pay up promptly.

• Economy 7 doesn't start at 7pm—and it may not be an economy. It gives you

seven hours' cheap electricity at night, but you'll often be asleep, and any you use outside that time can cost twice the standard rate. If your bill's a shocker, check that it doesn't show two tariffs.

• Fancy a price rise? I have to ask 30 days ahead and give you four weeks to think it over, plus three if you decide to switch to another supplier. Of course, if you're locked into a price deal, it's just a formality

• Grab free insulation now!You have until December 31 to take up free home insulation from British Gas, EDF, E.ON, Scottish Power, SSE and Tesco, and you don't have to be a customer. It can cut your bills by £175 a year and you might also get £50 for a referral, or up to £200 cash if you're on benefits. ■

MEDICINE WITH MAX PEMBERTON

LOST IN THOUGHT

When a brain has been damaged by alcohol, the effects are devastating

"Where's my money? You've stolen my money, haven't you?" asks Mr Berridge. I sigh. I haven't stolen his money. "It's in your pockets, isn't it?" he asks again, in a surprisingly convivial tone considering that he's accusing me of stealing £7,500 from him. This is his entire life savings, which he'd been keeping in the bread bin in his kitchen before he came into hospital. I show him the contents of my pockets: a halfeaten packet of wine gums, a pen lid, a mobile phone and 15 pence in coppers.

Mr Berridge was found

confused, wandering the streets a few months ago

"I told you I hadn't stolen it," I say, wearily. He looks at me, blankly. "What? What you talking about?" he asks, bewildered. "Your money, I was saying how I hadn't stolen it," I reply. "What about my money? Have you stolen it?" he asks. Just then, Jocasta, from the hospital shop, pokes her head round the office door.

"You want anything from the sweet trolley, Mr Berridge?" she asks, and I seize the opportunity to hide in the nurses' office. I can hear Mr Berridge start to ask Jocasta where his money is. There's much talked and written about the damage that alcohol in excess

Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor, and the Mind Journalist of the Year 2010

does, but it's hard to appreciate just quite what a poison it really is. Physically, there's all the damage it does to the liver. But it causes another problem that doesn't get so widely publicised, yet is terribly debilitating.

Mr Berridge suffers from Korsakoff's, which sounds, ironically, like a cheap Russian vodka, but is, in fact, a syndrome of irreversible brain damage caused by excessive alcohol. It's characterised by short-term memory loss and confabulation, where the sufferer a fills in the gaps in their memory with fictional explanations.

Mr Berridge was found confused, wandering the streets a few months ago and brought into hospital. He remembers he has savings, but can't remember

that his social worker opened a bank account for him and that his money is safe. Because he can't remember, his mind gets creative and imagines the money's been stolen. And no matter how many times you explain, within a few minutes he's forgotten again. Anyone needing a reminder of the evils of drink should spend a day on the ward having to explain, repeatedly, to Mr Berridge what's happened to his money. With someone like Mr Berridge, whose short-term memory is only two or three minutes, it's non-stop work, all day, every day. I have the greatest admiration for the nursing staff. I don't know how they do it. I can only last a few minutes—it's enough to drive you to drink, but I opt for a wine gum instead.

PAINKILLERS

WHAT DO THEY DO?

Often called "analgesics", painkillers are a diverse group of medications that interfere with the experience of pain.

HOW DO THEY WORK?

Non-Steroidal AntiInflammatory Drugs (NSAIDs) disrupt chemicals, known as prostaglandins, that are released when the body is in pain or inflamed. Morphinebased drugs work by blocking the receptors on the nerve endings that transmit the sensation of pain.

WHO TAKES THEM?

Anyone in pain. For symptoms caused by inflammation (such as headaches or back pain), paracetamol or NSAIDs, which include aspirin and ibuprofen, are best. For chronic pain, or pain originating from damage to the nerves (such as sciatica or shingles), low doses of tablets that are also used to treat epilepsy and depression are the most effective. These include amitriptyline.

HOW DO YOU TAKE THEM?

Most are taken as tablets. It's important never to take more than the amount prescribed or—for painkillers bought over the counter—the maximum amount stated on the box. Some, such as fentanyl, are given as a patch. Others, such as morphine, can be injected.

SIDE EFFECTS?

Mild painkillers have few side .\ effects, although an overdose of paracetamol can cause serious liver damage. NSAIDs can irritate the lining of the stomach and lead to AO ulcers. Opiatebased painkillers can cause constipation, drowsiness and confusion in high doses.

COMMON TYPES

Diclofenac, naproxen (mild painkillers); tramadol, dihydrocodeine (moderate painkillers); oxycodone, morphine (strong painkillers).•

NEXT MONTH: chemotherapy drugs

HEALTH WITH SUSANNAH HICKLING

SNORE NO MORE

Mark Palmer had tried everything to stop snoring, before finally finding help

"Living with a snorer is torture. The noise they make can reach the same level as a pneumatic drill. My snoring was so bad that I once found my wife curled up in the bath with a blanket and a couple of towels spread over her.

"I tried nasal strips, throat sprays, fancy lozenges and a diet based on nuts and goat's milk. I gave up alcohol for periods, took more exercise and ate less in the evening. But still I snored. The Snorewi

"At one point, my GP sent me to an ear, nose and throat specialist, who wanted to monitor my sleep with a view to an operation to remove some floppy tissue around my uvula (the bit that hangs down at the back of the throat). Noninvasive laser E44.99) is on offer to Reader's Digest

The Snorewizard (usual price surgery seemed less extreme.

Many private practices offer readers for £39.99, uvulopalatoplasty, a including free postage. Go to procedure to snorewizard.co.uk remove some of the and enter the code uvula and soft RDIGEST in the palate around it. discount code box

One based in Harley or call freephone Street seemed 0800 5283278.

particularly keen,

though I wasn't filled with zard confidence after a woman examined my throat and remarked on my 'good and strong tonsils'. I had my tonsils removed when I was 12.

"She said I'd feel pain 'like a very bad sore throat' for 12 days, but that my snoring should reduce by 60%. I was also asked to sign a form accepting that since the snoring was not necessarily all throatinduced, the result might not be what I hoped for. Oh, and it would cost £1,980.

"Dr John Stradling, who heads up the Sleep Unit at the Oxford Centre for Respiratory Medicine, confirmed that operations of this kind do not always work long term and can be very painful.

"Then I spotted an ad guaranteeing

positive results 'or your money back'. It

0 was for a Snorewizard—a mouth guard that works by moving the jaw and tongue

forward to improve air flow. But unlike similar devices, it has a flap over which your teeth sit, holding the device in place. There's also a hole at the front to let you breathe normally.

"I had nothing to lose but £45. At first, it was uncomfortable, but the joy of realising that my wife was waking up refreshed from a proper night's sleep more than compensated. There are an estimated 15 million snorers in the UK. I'm still one of them, but at least I've found an easy way to deal with it."

Listen to SUSANNAH'S PODCAST on ten surprising facts (good and bad!) about alcohol at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine

SNACK TIME?

You have an 11 o'clock meeting, but you're tired and your mind is mush. According to nutrition experts, it's normal for younger adults to have a mid-morning slump, and for older people to feel sleepy in the afternoon. What to do? You can boost cognitive function at different times of the day by eating carbs. Your best—and healthiest—bet is rye bread or a crispbread with low-fat ricotta cheese and some crunchy veg like red pepper and carrots. It'll stop that embarrassing tummy rumble, too!

WOMAN'S WORLD

What's the best way to avoid hot flushes during the menopause?

Be Japanese!

According to a survey of almost 2,000 women by Westminster University, half of British women suffered, while only one in eight women from Japan were affected. In all, it

wasn't good news for the Brits—we had the worst "Change" overall, as the researchers discovered when they compared our results with women from other countries. A crumb of comfort? The Chinese beat us on irritability!

QUACK QUESTION

nWhich cancer kills more men? Breast or testicular?

A Surprisingly, tumours of the breast killed 77 men in the UK in 2010, and testicular cancer killed 75. Breast lumps are easier to find for men—just rub your hands over your chest in the shower.

>> More on men and their bodies from the Men's Health Forum at malehealth.co.uk

Evidence suggests that up to 60% of us have problems sleeping and only a lucky minority manage the recommended seven hours a night. We all know that lack of sleep leads to poor concentration, mood change and depression, but recent studies suggest that the waistline as well as the brain might be adversely affected.

Researchers in Sweden, Germany and the US have found a consistent association between poor sleep patterns and weight gain. In one study, those who slept just five hours a night were 50% more likely to be obese than those who slept for eight.

There are several possible explanations for this. Sleepdeprived people may be too tired to exercise. Studies show that even after just one night of disrupted sleep, participants tended to move around less and so burned fewer calories. It might also be that people

TAKE THE TEST

who don't get enough sleep take in more calories because they're awake longer and have more opportunities to eat. Research from Columbia University in the US has shown that when people are sleepdeprived, they eat almost 300 calories a day more than when they are well rested.

Sleep deprivation alters the balance of two hormones involved in appetite regulation. Ghrelin is an appetite stimulant that promotes hunger (and eating); leptin promotes a feeling of fullness. Think of ghrelin as the appetite's driver and leptin the brake. Sleep deprivation is consistently associated with an increase in ghrelin and a decrease in leptin. In one study, people who routinely slept five hours a night had a 14.9% higher level of ghrelin and a 15.5% lower level of leptin than those who slept eight hours. So not getting enough sleep can lead to an increase in appetite and a reduction in levels of physical activity—the perfect recipe for weight gain.

But would sleeping longer lead to weight loss? We don't know yet, though studies are underway. Still, asking people to have an extra hour in bed is likely to be more popular than telling them to eat less and exercise more!

Dr David Ashton of Healthier Weight

Health watchdog NICE has put out new guidance

recommending that everyone over 40 has a Type 2 diabetes risk test at their GP surgery or pharmacy. You can also do an online risk assessment, like the one on Diabetes UK's website (diabetes.org.uk/riskscore), or on the Diabetes Forum (diabetes.co.uk/diabetes-test.html). If your chances of developing diabetes are high, speak to your GP. ■

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In 2010, leading scientists in the UK showed that the specific doses of B vitamins in TrioBe® Plus helped to lower the levels of homocysteine in the ageing brain'. The doses of B vitamins in TrioBe® Plus are unlike any product you can find on the high street.

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BEAUTY WITH ALICE HART-DAVIS

PEARLY WHITES

An easy way to look younger? Make sure your teeth are straight and bright

There are many routes to boosting your looks—make-up, a new haircut, wonderworking face cream, Vaseline on the lenses of the glasses of your beloved—but here's one you may not have considered: getting your teeth fixed. In a word, orthodontics.

Wearing braces has become almost de rigueur for teenagers, and now it seems that their grandparents are catching up.

"It's certainly surprised me," says leading London orthodontist Neil Counihan (of metamorphosisorthodontics.com), "but I'm seeing a surge in demand from the older market. It's divorcees and widows going back out into the world, looking for a way to improve themselves that doesn't involve Botox and fillers. It's grandpa bringing a teenager in, talking to the manager and realising he could tget his teeth straightened, too. It's really very inspiring. They say, 'I didn't know I could have it done'.

Their attitude

`-'11r111CT OF THE MONTH

Lingual braces have become popular as an alternative to fixed ones

is, 'Why not?' They've got another 30 years on this planet, they want to do something for themselves and they want to face the world with a smile that looks good." Fixed braces give the fastest results, and Dr Counihan says that lingual braces, which are fitted inside the teeth so they don't show, are popular. Braces aren't cheap (from £2,500) but, as he points out, the results are life-changing, and will last longer than a holiday.

If you don't fancy going as far as Straight up: braces, you could more older just work on the people are colour of your now wearing teeth (they braces become yellower with age, so whiter looks younger). High-speed, high-powered

Heal Gel Intensive £37.50 from victoriahealth.com

Devised by five cosmetic surgeons, Heal Gel is one of the beauty world's best-kept secrets. Light, nourishing and packed with hard-working ingredients, it's as good at repairing skin that's feeling roughed up by the weather as it is at helping prevent scarring after surgery.

whitening treatments are expensive; a more manageable method is to ask your dentist to mould a bleaching tray for your teeth and give you a whitening gel, which you can use as and when you need.

Then, keep surface stains at bay with thorough brushing, preferably with an electric toothbrush. "It's the difference between hand-washing and a washing-machine," says Dr Uchenna Okoye, a top cosmetic dentist, who's an ambassador for Oral B brushes. Their brushes are great, so I haven't dared tell her I've had my head turned by the Philips Sonicare DiamondClean brush, which at £250 has to be the Ferrari of the brush world. It's immensely effective—a month of diligent use removed the grungy tea-and-coffee stains that had built up in hard-to-reach crannies, and which I usually leave for the hygienist. Something to smile about, indeed.

Alice Hart-Davis is an awardwinning beauty journalist who writes regularly for the national press, and is creator of Good Things skincare.

SWEET CHARITY

Next month, the charity Look Good... Feel Better will be holding "Theatre of Beauty" evenings at Harvey Nichols branches around the country. There'll be mini-makeovers, drinks, canapes, tombolas and goody bags, and, along with other beauty editors, I'll be helping out. (LGFB is the beauty industry's charity—it helps women with cancer to manage the visible side effects of their treatment. To find out more, see Igfb.co.uk.) I'll be in London on November 6 and Birmingham on November 14. For tickets, go to harveynichols.com. It costs £15; an extra £10 gets you a 20-minute private chat with a beauty ed like me. All proceeds go to the charity.

GET THE LOOK

Give yourself an early Christmas present in the form of The Antiageing Beauty Bible by the dynamic beauty duo Jo Fairley and Sarah Stacey, which is out now in paperback (£15.99). It's full of inspirational advice as well as practical tips on looking gorgeous, whatever your age.

Anna Berkeley, 39, from London, loves Untired Eye Cream by LP Skin Therapy because it helps reduce the appearance of dark circles under the eyes. Ingredients such as Fiflow and Alpha Glucose Hesperidin (derived from citrus peel) work to oxygenate the eye area, which in turn improves circulation and lymph drainage to combat puffiness. "The cream also contains diamond powder, which instantly brightens the skin under my eyes and helps me look younger!" says Anna. £25, 1pskin therapy.com. ■

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CONSUMER WITH DONAL MAcINTYRE

FULL-BODIED WINE

Supping with a corpse wasn't on my agenda, but what could I do?

I had a near-death experience the other day while having a nice glass of wine outside one of London's finest establishments.

As my glass of Chardonnay rose to my lips in the perfect sunshine, four men with a coffin emerged from the building beside me to greet a hearse that had just pulled up. The undertaker's had a very understated presence next to the wine bar, and I hadn't noticed it—until, of course, the bodies started exiting in the traditional fashion. The drinks were pricey, and I wondered— as I was paying an additional tariff for the ambience and the atmosphere— if I could get a small reduction for the unexpected intrusion of a coffin into my sunny afternoon drink.

I checked my case law and it seems that, as the unfortunate intrusion occurred on the street, no compensation would have been due. But if the coffin had been brought through the same bar, I'd have been well within my rights to refuse to pay for my drinks.

In Ireland, though, I once came across a pub that also operated as an undertaker's —in that case, the dead bodies were part of the ambience, so no compensation was applicable. On the other hand, if you died while drinking in the pub, you got a free funeral... ►

A stiff drink? Don't • mind if I do...

IF YOU DON'T ASK...

Donal answers

your questions.

Please email queries to excerpts a readers digest. co.uk

Donal

MacIntyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ITV's London

Tonight

QI bought a property in a Spanish development and put down a £30,000 deposit on it before the company went bust. The first portion of £3,500 I paid by debit card and the rest by bank transfer. Is there any way of getting my money back through bankprotection schemes?

AMany thousands have been caught out in the Spanish property crash, and unfortunately you are another. There's no automatic right to relief under any bank scheme, but under the Visa-debit scheme, banks will refund you when you spend between £100 and £30,000 on your debit card. (This scheme is voluntary, not set in law.) Anything you paid by credit card would entail an near-automatic refund, but you have to claim within 120 days of the company going bankrupt or lose any entitlement. So, even when it comes to big purchases such as cars and deposits on holiday homes, try and place the full amount on a credit card. Even if you have a low creditI card limit, just place funds in the credit-card account to allow you to put as much as you can on the card for your own protection.

THE COMPLAIN GAME

Even my wife will accept that she's a better complainer than me, even though it's an essential part of my career. But it was my mother-in-law who secured the most lucrative complaint outcome—albeit at some personal cost.

We were on our honeymoon in Malaysia at a beach villa, and paradise couldn't have looked prettier. It could, however, have been wired better, as my motherin-law discovered—when she came in from the beach and washed her feet, some live wires near the water spout gave her an electric shock. A complaint was clearly in order.

The manager asked me what he could do to make up for the accident. I told him that a resort of his quality defined itself on how it responded to such incidents, and I would be led by his initiative. As a result, the entire resort was opened up for us, and the food and board for the honeymoon came free.

My mother-in-law is not the suing type, and maybe she could have got more in the courts, but there's some sense in letting the firm make an offer before you make a request in these situations. As for why I took my mother-inlaw on honeymoon...well, that's another story altogether! •

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Our experience shows that knowing how to remove radiators, pipework, boilers, etc. takes away the stress for the homeowner and we have learned to limit most operations to just two days. This means your old system disappears and you have new, beautiful heating with very little upheaval.

MONEY WITH JASMINE BIRTLES

A NICE NEST EGG?

If you want to build up your pension, you could try investing in a NEST

There seem to be new pension products coming onto the market every month right now. The latest one hitting the headlines is a low-cost, government-backed scheme called NEST.

I'm pleased to hear about NEST because it's plugging a gap, particularly for women, as it takes into account the fact that women regularly have to take time out to bring up children or care for relatives.

What is NEST?

NEST is a national "defined contribution" workplace pension scheme available to all employed or self-employed people. It's been created because the Government is changing the law on workplace pensions and, from October, employers will start to automatically enrol their workers into a pension scheme and make a contribution. NEST is one of the schemes they can use.

Like the stakeholder pensions that the last government brought in, it's designed around the needs of people who are largely new to pension saving, with clear communications and low charges (it's the low charges bit that I particularly like).

"I'm

Also it's run on a not-for-profit basis. Another really helpful aspect of NEST is that if you have one of these pensions, you keep the same pot for life, so if you move jobs and your next employer also uses NEST you just pick up where you left off.

Contributions into a NEST pension can come from:

• You or someone paying in for you. You can make regular contributions or one-off contributions of at least £10.

• Your employer.

• The Government through tax relief. One downside I see is that currently NEST has an annual contribution limit, which means the most you can put into your pot in a single year is £4,400 (or at

least it is for the 2012/13 tax year).

It will go up in line with inflation, but that's still not a lot.

Charges

There are a few different charges for NEST, but they're equivalent to a 0.5% annual management charge (AMC).

As the health of any investment is materially affected by the size of the annual fees, I'm pleased that these have been kept low.

How to get a NEST

If you're employed and your employer is about to sort out a pension for you —because of auto-enrolment, perhaps—it might choose a NEST pension anyway.

If you're self-employed or a single director of your own company you can set up your own NEST pension by going to nestpensions. org.uk

A "DOULA"

Are you a mum? Do you think you've been out of the workforce so long that you've no saleable skills? Think again. By becoming a "doula" you can earn money supporting new mums before, during or after pregnancy. As a doula you take your own experiences of motherhood and use them to support a family through the birth of their child.

A doula is a woman who's had at least one baby herself, who helps new—and not-sonew—mothers. She can be any age from early twenties to sixties and seventies, but she must be physically fit, kind, supportive and wise. Above all, she must be motherly. What does a doula do? There are two types: birth doulas and post-birth doulas. Some do both and others specialise. Birth doulas are like an experienced friend or surrogate mum in the birthing room. A doula goes with the mum to the hospital and stays with her until she's had her baby. She's there to look after her, to make sure she's comfortable and to

keep her as relaxed as possible. Studies show that the less fear a woman has, the safer and less painless the birth is likely to be.

Post-birth doulas do the sort of things your mum would do. They'll make food for the family, keep the home going and help the new parents get through any issues that may have arisen during the birth. They can also provide guidance on breastfeeding and bonding. Doulas take all the strain off the new mother so that she can rest and recuperate. What do you get paid? Birth doulas charge between £250 to £500. Post-birth work is generally paid by the hour and tends to be £12-£15 per hour.

How do you become a doula? Contact British Doulas (britishdoulas.co.uk) on 020 7824 8209 to find out about courses that are accredited by City & Guilds and for advice on getting work afterwards. ►

THIS MONTH'S BARGAIN

Get a 5% discount on all Show and Stay theatre breaks, including show tickets, an overnight stay at a handpicked hotel and breakfast (unless otherwise stated). Book now at showandstay.co.uk/ magpie. Offer ends October 31, 2012

JARGON LISTER

This is the return you get over time from investing in a bond. It's worked out by dividing the interest you get by the price it costs. It also shows the current cost of borrowing for the bond issuer. As a bond's price falls, its yield goes up, and vice versa. Yields for a particular borrower's bonds will rise if markets think there's a greater risk that the borrower will default.

BEST WAYS TO SELL YOUR

If you've been tempted by the Gold is seen as a safe haven eye-popping rises in the price when everything else is in flux, of gold recently and you're as it's been since the credit wondering whether to cash in crunch, the euro crisis and the that chunky necklace that you upheavals in the Middle East. never liked anyway, beware! The worse things get in the You can make money selling world, the higher the price your gold, but you can also lose of gold. So if you're looking to out if you do it the wrong way. sell now, you're likely to get a very good price. However, Is now a good time to sell there's a fair chance your gold gold? Maybe yes. maybe no! will carry on going up during ■

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• the next couple of years, as the current political and economic crises are unlikely to go away quickly.

Ultimately it's up to you. If you need the money now for something important then go for it and remind yourself that you've had good growth for a few years. But if you don't, it's not going to do any harm if you hang onto your valuables for a while.

Avoid cash-for-gold companies If you do decide to sell, don't go for a "cash-forgold" company. With the online companies, you request a free prepaid envelope, which is used to send your gold back to them. You're then contacted with a valuation for your gold that you either accept or reject. Some companies send you a cheque immediately, which you must return within a certain time (if you don't want it), otherwise the sale is complete.

Although the OFT has introduced some tougher regulations on these companies

and has closed some down, I don't believe they give you anything like a fair price for your gold.

Sell to your local jeweller A far safer option than selling online is to take your gold to a high-street jeweller. They'll give you a no-obligation quote, which you can compare with other merchants' (and I suggest you try at least three before you sell). Their quote is likely to be much better than you'll get online, too.

London's Hatton Garden and the Jewellery Quarter in Birmingham are well-known locations for gold selling, with a high concentration of dealers in a small area. You are likely to get the best price there.

THIS MONTH...

...is dig out your old books, CDs, DVDs and computer games and make some money from them. I

Want to find out how to turn trash into cash? Then listen to JAS' P -7 at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine

Pawn it? Of course, if you just need some cash now, but you don't really want to sell your assets, you could potentially pawn them. This is only a very short-term option, though, as average annual interest rates tend to be over 80%. The website borro.com says the average loan they have processed against gold items in 2012 has been around £7,000. You could consider 62days. com, which essentially gives you a free loan if you can pay back the money you've borrowed against your item within 62 days.

like zapper.co.uk for this because all you have to do is put in the barcode of your items, print off a postage slip and send them off. They pay cash for nearly all CDs, DVDs and games and about 20% of all books.

Once you get the cash, you could use it to buy Christmas presents early, or put it towards a nice winter holiday! •

Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

FAST FOOD WITH XANTHE CLAY

EASY CHICKEN

NEW! Every month a guest chef shares their favourite quick recipe

This is my kind of supper—the slap-it-in-the-oven school of cookery, where a dose of high heat performs the magic, caramelising edges and intensifying flavours. You, naturally, take the credit. It's one of those endlessly adaptable dishes, too. If you're extra hungry, add another tin of chickpeas; if you're feeling creative, add some extra veg or spices. I like it best made with chicken thighs, which stay beautifully juicy, but chicken breasts work fine, too.

Food writer Xanthe Clay started the Readers' Recipe column in The Daily Telegraph. Her new book The Contented Chef is out now.

CHICKEN, CHORIZO AND CHICKPEAS WITH LEMON ZEST AND CUMIN

(Serves 2)

2 chicken breasts, or 4 boneless thighs, skin on 60g thinly sliced chorizo

400g tin of chickpeas, drained

300g cherry tomatoes

Fat clove of garlic, crushed ltsp cumin seed

Grated zest of half a lemon

1.Heat the oven to 230C/446F/Gas

Mark 8. Slice each chicken piece in half lengthways through the skin. Cut the chorizo slices into halves or quarters (if large).

2. Tip chickpeas into a small roasting tin and add the chorizo, tomatoes, garlic,

cumin seed and lemon zest. Mix the ingredients, making sure that the slices of chorizo don't stick together.

3. Lay the chicken pieces on top, skin up. Put the roasting tin into the oven near the top. Bake for ten minutes, by which time the chorizo and chicken will have given up some fat.

4. Remove the tin. Stir the chickpeas gently to distribute the juices. Return the tin to the oven for another five to ten minutes, until the skin of the chicken is crisp and the meat is cooked through.

5. Lift the chicken out and keep to one side. Add 2-3 tablespoonfuls of hot water to the roasting tin. Stir up well. Taste and check the seasoning and spoon onto plates. Top with the chicken. Eat with a handful of watercress or some steamed beans. ■

Good things to add at the same time as the chickpeas: a fat pinch of smoked paprika; half a chopped red chilli; a red pepper chopped into 2cm pieces; a small aubergine, cut roughly into 2cm cubes; a handful of black olives, pitted.

Good things to add at the end: a few sprigs of flat-leaf parsley, chopped; ltbsp capers in vinegar, drained.

EATS & DRINKS WITH NIGEL BARDEN

CHEAP

It might look like a lost traveller in British waters, but the red gurnard tastes great and REDS is a cheap alternative to sea bass. The flesh strips obligingly off the bone and will stand long cooking, so it's perfect for stews and soups. Also known as the sea robin or feeler fish (for the way it crawls along the sea bed), it's found far up the Scottish west coast, as it tracks the Gulf Stream. It's been regarded as mere bait for too long—an enlightened fishmonger should stock it.

FLIP

Don't flip your food while cooking in the pan or oven. The marvellous brown crust on chops, chicken legs, apple slices or squeaky cheese (halloumi) is only achieved after sufficient time in contact with the pan—if you turn too early it'll stick, leaving the best part behind. Wait until your knife or spatula slides easily underneath. Then flip...

) If you're lucky enough to have a cellar, but it's a bit on the damp side, your wine labels may become mouldy or disintegrate. Avoid this by giving them a squirt of hairspray when you initially lay the bottles flat, and they'll stay pristine.

Nigel Barden is the food and drink presenter on Simon Mayo's show on BBC Radio 2, and chairman of the Great Taste Awards

SPOTS

When it comes to baking, it's good to know about any hot spots in your oven. This is more common with older cookers, as fan ovens tend to cook more evenly; One test is to put a bakin' tray filled with slices of white bread in the middle of a medium oven for a few minutes. If there are any well-browned pieces, you've found the hot spots.

TILT TO POUR

It's always handy to tilt a glass when pouring in beer from a bottle. With stout and dark beers, do it slowly to allow the head to develop. Wheat beers can be rather lively, so take your time and give the bottle a shake towards the end, to make sure you include some of the sediment. This won't upset your stomach, but will enrich the flavour of the beer.

•

COVER STAR

FIONA BRUCE'S favourite drink? Prosecco.

I love Italian wine!

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YOUR FAVOURITE MAGAZINE IS NOW AVAILABLE ON THE NEWSSTAND THE APPLE NEWSSTAND, THAT IS!

All you need is iOS 5 on your iPhone or iPad and away you go! You can buy either single issues of the magazine for £1.49 or—for just £11.99—you'll get a whole year's worth. What are you waiting for?

FULLY MATURED

Want your tomatoes to go from green to red? Here's how

QCan you settle an argument?

My dad says you should put green tomatoes in a drawer to ripen them, but my mum says they ripen best on a sunny windowsill. Who's right?

AThey're both right. In a warm drawer, green tomatoes will bathe in their own gases and ripen quickly; this will be lost on a sunny windowsill, but the extra light and warmth will help instead. However, they ripen even better—and keep longer—if left on the vine with the whole plant uprooted and hung upside down in a dry, frost-free place.

SPACE MAKER

u

I have a stupidly small lawn in a tiny front garden that I intend to get rid of, but have conflicting advice as to the best (lowlabour) replacement.

AIf it's a sunny site, it would suit gravel laid over a fabric weed-excluding geotextile (a woven Gravel is ideal for bijou spots

plastic sheet) with one or two choice (slow-growing) specimens planted through it. A cooler, shadier site might be better with a bark mulch over the geotextile. Choose specimen plants that don't shed many leaves, fruits and/or petals to reduce the maintenance further, or restrict all plants to one or two attractive planters filled with carefree subjects such as sedums and sempervivums.

CARE FOR CARROTS

Li Last autumn I had a lovely crop of carrots. I left them in the plot and dug them up as I needed them, but they became all holey and didn't keepvery well. What can I do this year?

AIf the holes were small tunnels encircling the carrot, it was probably carrot fly, and a new crop of eggs will have been laid by now. But next year they can be excluded by growing carrots (or parsley or parsnips) under fleece or fine netting. Bigger holes would have been slugs and/ or millipedes, which can be trapped. For longer storage, cover the dying-down tops on a dry day with a thick layer of straw or shredded paper, and a held-down rainproof plastic sheet or similar on top. Remove just enough of this covering when you dig any up, as keeping the bulk cool and dark stores them longer.

Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time. Send your gardening questions to Bob at excerpts a readersdigest.co.uk

BOB'Svt.1

JOBS: OCTOBER

This month might grass clippings, have some days like as they rot down summer, but others well together. Keep that are wintery. weeding because Enjoy the sunny weeds rush to ones and get any seed if it's mild. overdue garden Collect weedings, tasks done before trimmings and the weather closes dead-headings, in. Keep the grass and turn it all into mown, though set compost while your mower high, the weather's still and collect fallen warm enough for leaves with the it to cook well.

READER'S TIP

To add interest to your garden or create the feeling of greater length, position a piece of a statue to be seen through a gap in a hedge. A statue and ornamental pineapple in my garden create an air of mystery and space beyond.

Submitted by Eric Swain by email

•

» Email your gardening tips and ideas— with photos, if possible—to excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk. We'll pay E70 if we use them on this page.

WILDLIFE WITH MARTIN HUGHES-GAMES

CORE CONTENT

Raise a glass to one of our best-loved fruits—the cider apple

idOused to be drunk instead of water—the process of fermentation killed any bugs

What do Sheepsnose, Catshead, Foxwhelp and Slap Me Girdle have in common?

They're all types of cider apple (there are 156 varieties in Somerset alone). From monastic records, it seems that cidermaking came over with the Normans. It used to be common to be part-paid in cider for farm work—a quart (two pints) of cider would be a daily winter ration,

The sodden summer has been terrific for slugs and snails (as you'll have noticed!). Look closely at a slug and marvel at the strange tentacles (the upper pair with eyes on the end), complex body patterning, and, when the single breathing pore opens, tiny white mites that rush out and tear around the slug's body. As the pore closes, the mites shoot back inside. It's mesmerising!

Most large slugs are

and during haymaking three or four quarts would be provided per man per acre cut. Astute farmers would use a variety of apples both to create a satisfying blend, and to spread the harvest over a number of months to maximise the yield.

As well as mass-produced cider, there are many artisan cidermakers in the UK as passionate about their blends as any French winemaker. October is the peak month for the cider-apple harvest (read more about Apple Day on p104), with ciders to suit any palette. Some varieties are a bit specialist, such as Hewbramble, which apparently "causes a sensation as if a bramble had been thrust down the throat and suddenly snatch'd back agayne".

SLUGGING IT OUT

actually useful in the garden, breaking down decaying matter. But there are two really destructive ones: the small white "netted slug", and the small black or brownish "garden slug". The wonderful leopard slug has an elaborate courtship involving hanging from a mucous thread and creating fantastic shapes with its sexual organs. The main breeding season is now, so you can see this for yourself —don't get too close!

Antlers grow from the tip and are initially cartilage, which becomes mineralised into bone

STUCK IN A RUT

Martin Hughes-Games is a host of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumnwatch

The red-deer rut is an explosion of aggression as stags vie for access to the females. The stag's antlers are shed in winter and must be regrown every year. In his prime, a red-deer stag will produce two huge multi-pointed antlers, as well as developing massive neck muscles. Stags often resolve dominance by bellowing or ritualised "parallel walking", but if equally matched they will lock antlers and embark on a titanic wrestling match. If the antlers are not locked, one point ("tine") backed by 450 pounds of furious stag can rip open an opponent's flank or bore right through a skull. The ritual reaches its peak this month.

STAY CONNECTED

The digital revolution is seeping into every part of our environment

Scan

KOTean sho

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In the tiny Tuscan town of Peccioli, free-roaming robots took over rubbish collection in 2010. In the same year, more physical objects went online than humans, and by 2020 a whopping 50 billion connected devices are predicted worldwide—that's 6.6 per person.

Far from sci-fi, distinctions between online and offline will soon become absurd, and social and economic prosperity powered by connectivity. The web's already transformed how we chat, and the "internet of things" is making everyday objects smarter.

You might already have connected bathroom scales or Nike+ gear helping

you track your vital stats or sporting goals online, but in Madrid, iPavement slabs can provide free wi-fi, localised information and deals.

A recent pilot by supermarket chain Tesco also saw commuters in South Korea shopping at bus and underground stops by pointing their mobiles at billboards, and Google's driverless car proved safer than the average US motorist after doing 300,000 miles of test drives without a single accident. Cheeringly, connectivity has also inspired innovative solutions to some of our thorniest issues. A US company has produced a "digital pill" that provides feedback on bodily reactions, and tele-health/tele-care (healthcare administered using electronic devices) is fashioning mind-boggling improvements in remote patient care—and potentially generating an extra £1.2bn in savings.

I'm most excited about anthropomorphised gadget control with our bodies—using our eyes, for instance—but there are heaps of other smart projects already underway. Here are my favourites.

TRY THESE

• Our homes are getting smarter, and security, computers, entertainment and energy saving will one day be combined in a single system. Right now, the Government is installing smart meters in every home as part of efforts to combat eco-challenges, save £7.1bn and provide realtime billing. Amazingly, only one in six Brits know the cost of their utility bills, but smart meters communicate directly with suppliers, which means an end to estimated bills and ensures you only pay for what you use.

• Connected boxes such as Twine (supermechanical. com/twine), Knut (find it at kickstarter.com) and Ninja Blocks (ninjablocks. corn) use sensors to monitor factors like humidity, vibration and temperature, and can be used around the home. You create rules (eg: "When moisture sensor gets wet, tweet 'The basement is flooding!' ") and can automate responses. Or,

if you're using Ninja Blocks, "computerised ninjas" set to work.

• Losing things could be a thing of the past thanks to the iPurse.com, which uses radio frequency identification (RFI) sensors to track contents. Intriguingly, Nokia's patented vibrating magnetic tattoos can provide text and call alerts.

• Twitter pioneer Jack Dorsey transformed how we chat, and now he wants to change how we spend. His mobile-payments startup Square uses a small white plastic plugin that fits into mobiles to accept card payments if you have the app.

All 7,000 US Starbucks branches are adopting it, and eventually you'll be able to pay with your name.

Give an hour of your time to help an internet beginner. Go to go-on.co.uk for more. Or to find a taster session near you, call freephone 0800 771234

• Evrythng.com is creating "a Facebook of things". It gives objects an "active digital identity" (ADD, or online profile. Car manufacturer Toyota has used the concept to create a private social network for customers and their vehicles, and sends an alert if, for example, batteries need recharging.

ABSOLUTE BEGINNER? SEARCH ENGINES

WHAT'S A SEARCH ENGINE?

It's the tool that you use to find info on the web, and can help you answer questions and pursue passions online. Just open your web browser—maybe Internet Explorer, Safari, Mozilla Firefox, or Google Chrome—and type the www. address of a search engine into the address bar at the top (you could try www.google.co.uk or www.bing.com, and press return on your keyboard). In the resulting page, type a phrase into the search box and hit return. IN

MOTORING WITH CONOR McNICHOLAS

GOOD IN THE END

Here's a smart idea: don't trash your old car—donate it

No matter how useful or loved an old car is, eventually there comes a point where it's just not financially sensible to keep it.

But getting rid of an old car is a tedious process, and ringing scrap companies or managing a private sale can be a job in itself. Wouldn't it be great if someone would just take it away for you, and maybe do some good at the same time?

Tom Chance wants charities to benefit from recycling cars

Giveacar.co.uk will do just that. Register the car with them and they'll take it away, get a market value for it, tell you how much they got, and you can decide if you want to give all the money to a charity or give half and keep half. You get to choose the charity—users have donated to everything from Oxfam to hedgehog hospitals and donkey sanctuaries—but the not-forprofit company charges a small fee to keep the service going.

Since the site's launch in 2010, they've organised over 6,000 disposals, raising money for more than 1,000 charities. This year they expect to break Elm in donations. About 70% of cars donated

are scrapped, with the rest sold on to new owners.

This beautifully simple idea is the brainchild of 24-year-old Tom Chance from London. While at university, he had real hassle getting rid of a car in return for just £50, and noticed that charities seemed to be recycling everything but cars.

"The biggest challenge has been working between the scrap industry and the charity sector," explains Tom. "They're very different industries, so it was tough gaining the respect of both! But after two years we're now in a position where people are approaching us."

Tom remembers the first car he collected up—a 1998 Vauxhall Vectra: "It raised £50 for Cancer Research UK. I picked it up myself!" Some two million cars come off the road each year, and there are still many abandoned cars throughout the UK, so there's plenty of room for Giveacar to grow. Tom is looking for people to spread the message in the UK, and has his eye on international expansion.

ONE TO BUY

Ford B-Ma,(from £12,995) This new B-Max is a clever wee thing: its front doors fold forward normally but its rear doors slide back, leaving a super-wide space for getting in and out. Ideal if you've got kids or aren't as flexible as you were. Add in a practical shape, good looks and stylish interior, and it makes a case for being the best all-round, everyday car in the world.

ONE TO SPOT

Mini Countryman JCW

(£22,455) The Countryman

small SUV has split Mini fans, with some declaring it's too big and fat to call itself a real Mini. Balderdash!

julai3 ja...,"

e 4

I'm a convert. If you're going to put out a Mini-"themed" range, you might as well go all the way—and this sporty, tarted-up version of The Big Mini certainly does that. It'll be interesting to see just how rare or not this car eventually becomes.

ONE

(£35,875)

Known for their modified luxury Range Rovers and classy alloy wheels, British design house Kahn have turned their attention to the unloved utilitarian Jeep Wrangler—and the results are flying out of the showroom. Kahn now sell more than Jeep themselves! A host of enhancements have turned this workhorse into a stylish fun-machine that just begs to get outdoors and show itself off. And at around E35k, maybe the dream isn't so far away?

SQUARE WHEELS?

Cycling supremo

Dave Brailsford's tongue-in-cheek comment during the Olympics that our cyclists were successful because their wheels were "specially round" made me think of... the Austin Allegro. New in 1973, it came with a British Leyland innovation: a "quartic" steering wheel that was distinctly square, to allow more knee room. The result

was pulled almost straight away, but its awfulness still resonates—earlier this year, Lord Forsyth used it as a metaphor for the proposed reforms to the Upper House... ■

Conor McNlcholas

Is the former editor of BBC Top Gear Magazine

TRAVEL WITH KATE PETTIFER

Ok

MY GREAT ESCAPE

Jo and Max Dunstone's trip to the US canyons still inspires them 21 years on My husband Max, daughter Hazel and I took a road trip to Canyonlands back in 1991.

We met my American friend Ardis and her husband John in Illinois. They were towing a caravan, and we hired a motorhome (campsites and car parks are geared up for these vehicles, so it really is the perfect way to explore). In two weeks we drove about 2,500 miles, and visited Canyonlands National Park, Arches National Park, Monument Valley, Bryce Canyon and the Grand Canyon, exploring the vast rocky landscapes of Utah, Colorado and Arizona.

It's hard to choose between the places we visited. Driving through Monument Valley gives you a sense of the region's wide open, dramatic scenery. And Arches is great if you're not that into walking— just park your car and soak up the scenery without having to put in any

Bryce Canyon in Utah was named after Ebenezer Bryce, a Mormon pioneer who lived nearby

effort on foot!

Jo and Max

The Grand from Kent Canyon is Valley in 1991 in Monument awe-inspiring, but so big it's hard to take

in. We found Bryce a little easier to appreciate—it's mind-blowing! We were allowed to walk along the clifftops, then descend 1,000ft and walk among the rock formations on the valley floor. The 0 colours and shapes of the rocks create

ROCK OF AGES

Trailfinders has an 11-night California and Canyonlands motorhome trip from E701pp, excluding flights (020 73681200; trailfinders.com).

a fairy-tale setting—it's silent in a spellbinding way that makes you talk in whispers! It was also at Bryce that we saw the most wildlife: chipmunks and ground squirrels, and lots of different birds. Visiting in October was ideal—the summer months are too hot, but being there in autumn meant we could see the cottonwood and aspen trees in all their fall colours.

We've had holidays with Ardis and John since then, but this is the one that stands out.

Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we'll pay you £70. See address on page 6.

,r) to heel of Italy, It's perfect weather for walking. Enjoy coastal strolls and rural rambles in Puglia, with its dry-stone cottages, rock churches and cave houses. Start in the city of Lecce in Salento; visit the Sassi in Matera, and the hilltop village of Ostuni; and finish your self-guided trip in Bari. From £850pp, incl seven nights' b&b, four dinners, private transfers and some excursions (0845 241 7599; utracks. corn). Ryanair and Alitalia fly to Bari.

Titchwell Manor hotel near Brancaster in Norfolk, is running mini-breaks of the twitching variety this October and November. Birdwatchers can join expert Stuart White of birdtour.co.uk, visiting the area's bird reserves (maximum of eight in a group). Titchwell Manor has traditional and contemporary rooms, so specify your preference when booking. From £260pp, incl two nights' half board and tours (01485 210221; titchwellmanor.com).

BA's takeover of BMI means some Russia flights will be released to the competition next year—hopefully leading to better prices. Ahead of this, tour operator Dial A Flight is introducing tailor-made and small-group itineraries to Moscow and/or St Petersburg. Six-night luxury tour Discover Russia starts this month, with train links between the two cities. From £1,159pp, incl flights, accommodation and tours (0844 556 6060; dialaflight.com).

coolplaces.co.uk Well written, designed and regularly updated, this new website collates eateries, places to stay, attractions and shops for UK destinations with regional and city guides, plus the lowdown on different areas of the capital (users can comment, too). The hot-deals section shows the latest savings; tweets and blogs add to the sense of currency. From the founders of Rough Guides and Mr Cool Camping, this is a website with a pedigree. •

Din association with (travelsphere

Welcome to Reader's Digest Holidays. We're excited to announce the launch of our brand-new service: now, not only can you find travel inspiration in the magazine, but each month well be bringing you a hand-picked selection of holidays which you can book through us, too. Reader's Digest has teamed up with escorted-travel experts Travelsphere. Their colourful collection of escorted holidays worldwide brings you everything from week-long jaunts within Europe to 16-day spectaculars in the Americas, Far East and beyond. This month's selection can be found in the brochure enclosed with this issue. And every month, we'll bring you pages of travel ideas, chosen with you in mind.

Why Travelsphere? For starters, it's a name you can trust. Like Reader's Digest, this is a brand with proven experience; part of the Page & Moy Travel Group, Travelsphere draws on 50 years of heritage. Plus, all their holidays are ABTA and ATOL protected, meaning your booking is safe.

Reader's Digest Holidays also pledges to bring you excellent value.Tours start from just £449pp for a week in southern Spain (see Kate Pettifer's verdict, opposite). Even the long-haul trips make your pounds go

further by including most meals and many excursions. The 14-day Wonders of Vietnam itinerary, for example, includes no less than 10 city tours and excursions (from £2,099pp). Escorted travel brings a wealth of advantages, which we've highlighted, opposite, but this doesn't mean that we've adopted a one-holiday-suits-all approach. Far from it! There are single-centre trips, twin-stay itineraries and highlight-hopping multi-centre tours.

We look forward to sharing our favourite Reader's Digest Holidays with you. And you can also discover the full range on our brand-new website. All holidays are bookable online or call one of our trusted advisers. However you choose to explore our travel collection, we hope you'll agree, Reader's Digest Holidays really does have something for everyone.

TRIED AND TESTED

Reader's Digest travel editor Kate Pettifer joined a Mijas Andalucian Magic tour in August 2012.

This was my first experience of escorted travel - and I can see its appeal. I felt in safe hands with Tour Manager Frank, who'd make even the greenest of travellers feel reassured. For exploring eastern Andalucia, Mijas is a fantastic base - a charming, whitewashed town up in the hills, away from the built-up beach resorts. The fact that most of its excursions are optional takes the pressure off for those who'd rather sit by the pool, plus it safeguards the trip's excellentvalue starting price.

Find out more about the Mijas Andalucian Magic tour with this month's Reader's Digest Holidays brochure, included with this month's magazine.

WHY OPT FOR ESCORTED TRAVEL?

/ Local knowledge Most trips also employ a local guide who not only speaks the language but can offer an insider's perspective on your chosen destination or region.

I

,/ Guaranteed value Know the cost of your holiday from the outset, and enjoy included excursions. Plus, you'll find financial guarantees with a holiday that's ABTA and ATOL protected.

/ Carefully chosen hotels You'll stay in hotels selected for their high levels of service, comfort and their convenient location. Transfers between every hotel on your tour are always included. Reassurance A tour manager accompanies all trips to ensure they run smoothly.

,/ A safer approach Switch the potential pitfalls of going it alone for as-near-as-guaranteed good days, when you opt for excursions already tried and tested by our experts. Convenience If you equate organising a holiday with hassle, relax knowing that every detail of your itinerary has been carefully planned.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS

As well as escorted tours in Europe, Africa, Asia and further afield, Reader's Digest Holidays offers city breaks, river cruises and rail holidays Or, join one of our festival tours to experience events around the world.

FIND OUT

To find out more about Reader's Digest Holidays, in association with Travelsphere, call 0800 043 9410 or visit readersdigestholidays.co.uk

Three million copies sold now available on the iPad for the first time ever

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OCTOBER FICTION

REVIEWED BY A N WILSON

EXTRACTS FROM OUR FAVOURITE NEW RELEASES

BOX OF DELIGHTS: A HISTORY OF TV SPORT AND HOW TO DANCE

THE JANE AUSTEN WAY

BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE: IAIN BANKS

October fiction

The Daughters of Mars

by Thomas Keneally (Sceptre, £18.99)

Thomas Keneally is probably still best known for Schindler's Ark—or, as it was called in America, Schindler's List. But his new novel is a masterpiece, too.

Two Australian sisters, carrying a shared guilty secret, volunteer as nurses during the First World War, accompanying the troops to the Dardanelles. What follows is certainly not for the weak-stomached. Yet

along with a Tolstoyan ability to describe the horrors of battle, this amazing book also has an extraordinary intimacy, especially in the relationship between the sisters. (Again, Tolstoy comes to mind.) Another great character is the Quaker pacifist, who, despite his best convictions, is caught up in the lust for glory, and in simple patriotism. The result is an altogether towering achievement.

Live by

Night

by Dennis Lehane (Little, Brown, £16.99)

Dennis Lehane's speciality is the fast-paced gangster thriller that's also a deeply felt novel. His latest, about a Boston criminal called Joe Coughlin, doesn't disappoint on either count.

CLASSICS CORNER: THE BELL JAR

A N Wilson is left thrilled, moved—and utterly baffled

Just don't open it at a time when you need to do anything else, such as work or sleep, because I guarantee that all you'll be able to do is keep on turning the pages. The prose crackles with Chandleresque jokes, the narrative never flags and there's even a genuinely heart-stopping love story.

In addition to all that, the book beautifully evokes the entire era of early Thirties Prohibition America, with the essential violence of the economic

Strange to think that if Sylvia Plath (right)—who now seems to belong to such a long-lost literary era—were still alive, she'd only be turning 80 this month. The Bell Jar, her one novel, is powerfully autobiographical, with the troubled Esther Greenwood struggling against the constraints on young women of the 1950s. But it's often very funny, too. In many ways, in fact, this is the female equivalent of The Catcher in the Rye—a I •• book, it's sometimes forgotten, that also ends in a mental hospital.

climate that followed the Wall Street Crash. Don't wait for the film starring Leonardo DiCaprio (being made as you read), buy this book!

May We Be Forgiven

by A M Homes (Granta, £16.99)

Reading A M Homes's satirical novels is a nervous experience. She's much darker than those stylish old-timers John Updike and Philip Roth. This one

a.m.

begins with a Thanksgiving dinner in the house of George Silver, a successful TV producer. George's brother Harry, who hates

him, is helping sister-in-law Jane with the washing-up, when they fall into an embrace. A little later, George kills a married couple in a motor accident. Out of these two moments spirals a whole weird nightmare in which every aspect of American life becomes somehow horrific.

Admittedly, there are plenty of laughs along the way. But with Harry being a historian working on Richard Nixon, you're left with the chilly sense that the whole of American society has been hurtling to hell since Watergate.

The

Testament of Mary

by CoIm TaibIn (Viking, £12.99)

Here's a puzzling one. I love CoIm Tdibin's work (Brooklyn, The Master), but, having read this twice, I have to say for the first time in my reviewing life that I just don't know what to make of a book! It purports to be the

memories of the mother of Christ, who's held her son's dead body and is obsessed with human cruelty. Unlike many modern retellings, it describes the miracles as real. But Mary doesn't believe her son brought salvation to the world, and now worships at the local pagan temple. Another disconcerting thing is that while the narrative is in modern English, the Biblical characters speak in King James language. ("Woman, what have Ito do with thee?")

Still, at only a hundred pages or so, the novel is certainly worth a try—and maybe you'll make more sense of it than I did. ■

QUICK QUIZ Can you complete these jokes from Les Dawson— the subject of a biography out in paperback this month.

a) There was a knock at the door. I knew it was the wife's mother, because the mice...

b) I said to the chemist, "Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?" He said, "Why?" I said...

c) I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was...

Answers on p148

RD RECOMMENDED READ: 1

The joys of not being there

Who needs to be in the stadium, when the real action is on the sofa? No wonder our sporting memories owe so much to TV

On the Monday after the 1966 World Cup final, the front-page headline of Britain's bestselling paper, the Daily Mirror, excitedly announced the birth of the Queen's first cousin once removed: A BOUNCING BABY GIRL FOR PRINCESS ALEX. Around 25 years later, Martin Kelner was presenting a regional radio show— and found himself interrupting an explanation of why Yugoslavia was "the most important issue in the world today", with the words: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you there, Michael, there's been a goal at Worksop."

MARTIN

KELNER

So why has sport grown so much in national significance over the past few decades? The answer, as Kelner makes clear in this hugely enjoyable book, is television. Botham's Ashes; Gazza's tears; Mo's Olympic double: almost none of us saw them all in the flesh. Yet thanks to TV, they're imprinted in our minds forever.

In fact, according to Kelner, not being there might well be an advantage. In 2003, the Times's Simon Barnes returned from covering England's victory in the Rugby World Cup. "How could I have understood how much it mattered," he wrote, "when I was stranded in Sydney watching Jonny Wilkinson make the winning drop goal? The real event happened in England, on television."

Kelner traces the whole fascinating history of TV sport with a light and often very funny touch. But he's done some impressive swotting, too. Did you know, for instance, that in 1962 the young assistant who kept the Grandstand football scoreboards clean was Ridley Scott, later the director of Gladiator?

Sit Down and Cheer serves up facts, memories and gossip about everything from ITV wrestling to the rise of Sky. ("Don't worry," ITV boss Greg Dyke told his staff when the Premier League began. "They've paid far too much, we'll get the football back. We'll just sit here and watch them go bust.") There's also

RD EXCLUSIVE

MARTIN KELNER'S TOP SIX COMMENTATORS

Bill McLaren

The mellifluous Borders tones, informed by an unalloyed love of rugby, made him a pleasure even for non-enthusiasts.

David Coleman

Could have been a contender, having won athletics honours in his youth. Transferred his enthusiasm to the commentary box, and you couldn't but be swept along.

Sld Waddell

Almost singlehandedly pitchforked darts from pub game to TV phenomenon. Funny, quotable, unique. I.

the inside story of TV sport's most celebrated feuds, including John Motson vs Barry Davies—and, here, David Coleman vs the man responsible for the most famous commentary of the lot. (All together: "They think it's all over. It is now.")...

It is 1970, the World Cup is under way in Mexico, and the

, BBC is about to get rid of Kenneth Wolstenholme, honorary member of the Boys of '66. 'It wasn't all that long after the 1966 final,' he wrote later, 'that someone at the BBC said to me, "You know those words you said at the end of the World Cup final? Well, box clever, because they may just come true." ' Wolstenholme must have spent the best part of four years waiting for the stab in the back, which may account for the extraordinary outpouring of bitterness and regret in his 1999 memoir, where he examined in minute detail the circumstances of his departure. Nicholas Sellens summed it up more tersely in his book Commentating Greats: 'Every time he looked over his shoulder, there was the young pretender David Coleman, performing ominous stretching exercises on the touchline.' In his book Wolstenholme devoted almost as much space to his sacking as to his war exploits, which were pretty dramatic. ►

We know them so well (thanks to television)— clockwise from top left: Botham bats; Gazza cries; Mo wins; Jonny kicks for World Cup glory

Sit Down and Cheer: A History of Sport on TV by Martin Kelner is published by Bloomsbury at £18.99

• Having flown more than 100 sorties over occupied Europe, he was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross and Bar. When he flew his last mission, he was still just 23, the kind of figure played on screen by square-jawed leading men like Kenneth More. When he was 51, however, and sacked by the BBC, the stiff upper lip failed him.

Wolstenholme had a contract guaranteeing his position as the BBC's No 1 football commentator, but in the atmosphere of uncertainty bordering on paranoia that is possibly piped through the air conditioning at TV Centre, Ken did not sleep easily at night; not with the Head of Sport being Bryan Cowgill, the best man at Coleman's wedding.

'Then, early in 1970, the mafia struck,' he wrote. He was called to a meeting with Cowgill, who told him that the plan was for the young pretender to follow England in Mexico, while Wolstenholme commentated on West Germany's group. 'As the tournament went on I had deep suspicions that I would be told I was not going to do the final,' Wolstenholme added. He found out for sure by getting someone to send a Radio Times out to Mexico. The billing read: 'World Cup Final 1970. Join David Coleman in the Azteca Stadium for football's greatest drama.'

One thing delayed the break-up: England's 3-2 quarter-final defeat by West Germany. 'This was a bitter blow to the BBC,' said Wolstenholme, 'and I can imagine the discussions in Television Centre. David wouldn't be too keen on doing a commentary on two foreign sides.' So Wolstenholme got to call one of the great World Cup performances—Brazil's 4-1 defeat of Italy—and returned to England for what he sensed would be his last season with the BBC. 'The whole plan was a David Coleman takeover,' he concluded. 'I felt angry, I felt humiliated. I felt insulted. And I think the BBC behaved in a despicable fashion.'

...AND THE QUICK QUIZ?

rn+uw•orwo,°a The answers—with apologies to all wives

and mothers-in-law—were:

a) ...were throwing themselves on the traps.

b) ..."She keeps waking up."

c) ...it was my own.

• •.444, Louis Boyle

The Trials and Triumphs of Les Dawson by Louis Barfe is published by Atlantic at £8.99.

Sir Peter O'Sullevan

The longtime voice of horseracing has been described as "an urgent drawl", but behind those distinctive uppercrust smoky tones lay one of the sharpest, most thoroughly prepared commentators you'll ever hear.

Brian Moore

ITV football's chief commentator through the 70s, 80s and 90s remained balanced and self-effacing as the sport he described got more hysterical. His operatic swoop when calling a goal was sublime.

David Gower Glorious insouciance.

Commentates as he used to bat— intelligently, elegantly, and with the entirely sensible attitude that it is, after all, just a game.

SORRY! The title of last month's Recommended Read by Cathy Birchall and Bernard Smith is Touching the World: A Blind Woman, Two Wheels, 25,000 Miles—as on the book cover we printed, not Touching the Void as mistyped in the publication details.

RD RECOMMENDED READ: 2

Flirty dancing...

...if there were enough men around, that is. Speed-dating the Regency way

As Jane Austen's readers—and parodists—have noticed for centuries, dancing features heavily in all her novels. It's at balls that her characters often have their romantic hopes most dramatically dashed or fulfilled. But how many of her modern fans know what these Regency balls were really like? Luckily, A Dance with Jane Austen has all the information you need—including the clothes, the food, the music and, particularly, the complicated rules of etiquette.

All of this is fun enough in itself. But Susannah Fullerton's beautifully illustrated book also blends the facts with events in Austen's novels—and, best of all, with Austen's own life, as recorded in her endlessly funny letters. In her twenties, she takes delight in seeing a Mrs Badcock "run round the room after her drunken Husband". Approaching 40, she accepts her new role as "a sort of chaperone", on the solid grounds that "I am put on the Sofa near the Fire & can drink as much wine as I like."

As with many of the best social histories, the result conjures up a world that feels both completely vanished and oddly familiar. (Even Fullerton's claim that balls were the Regency equivalent of speed-dating comes to seem fair enough.) Take this passage, where the subject is men—and what would now be called self-esteem issues.

At the Meryton assembly Elizabeth Bennet is 'obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances'. It is while she's sitting down that Mr Bingley suggests that Mr Darcy dance with her. Unfortunately, Elizabeth hears Darcy's reply: 'She is...not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men.' And so Elizabeth's pride is wounded and her prejudice against Darcy is formed.

Yet Elizabeth's plight was a common one. Many a young lady ►

Susannah Fullerton is President of the Jane Austen Society of Australia and has lectured extensively around the world on Austen's life and novels. Her book Jane Austen and Crime was described by the award-winning biographer Claire Tomalin as "essential reading for every Janeite"

• had to sit out dances, waiting near the chaperones and trying to look as if she didn't care. Some girls were simply plain and did not attract partners. Mary Russell Mitford [a bestselling writer of the day] was realistic about her chances: 'What, indeed, should I do at a dance with my dumpling of a person tumbling about like a cricket-ball on uneven ground—casting off with the grace of a frisky Yorkshire cow, or going down the middle with the majesty of an overloaded hay-waggon passing down a narrow lane?' This is also a problem for Charlotte Lucas, Mary Bennet and the other less eye-catching females of Austen's fiction.

But the real problem was a shortage of men. During most of Austen's life her country was at war with France. This war ate up young men—the army took about 100,000 of them, the navy another 130,000. Then there was the expansion of the British Empire, which was also starting to lure young men away. Little wonder that when Jane Austen entered a ballroom she should see more dresses than pantaloons; little wonder that even Elizabeth Bennet should sometimes be partnerless...

'1.ccordi to one Austen letter:"Lord Bolton's son danced too ill to be end arm'

Austen knew that finding a partner was a matter of luck and sometimes was forced to endure the state of being a wallflower (although that term came into use only in the Victorian era). At a ball she attended in 1800 'there was a scarcity of Men in general, & a still greater scarcity of any that were good for much', she complained. In 1808, at a Southampton ball, she reported to her sister that 'the melancholy part was to see so many dozen young Women standing by without partners.' Sometimes, of course, she chose not to dance, rather than endure an unpleasant partner: 'One of my gayest actions was sitting down two Dances in preference to having Lord Bolton's eldest son for my 31 Partner, who danced too ill to be endured.'

Here come the boys—and not, it seems, before time: one of the many terrific contemporary illustrations in the book

A Dance with Jane Austen: How a Novelist and her Characters Went to the Ball by Susannah Fullerton is published by Frances Lincoln on October 4 at £16.99

Books that Changed my Life

lain Banks is the author of 26 novels, including The Wasp Factory, which was voted one of the top 100 books of the 20th century in a poll of more than 25,000 readers. He lives in Fife and his latest science-fiction novel The Hydrogen Sonata is out on October 4.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

by Hunter S Thompson

Ah, the mad yet ruthlessly sane fella who gave us gonzo journalism and inspired a thousand careers in the fifth estate. An undiminished masterpiece of Americana; a blistering odyssey of two desperate men against polite (well, Las Vegas) society, and their daring raid on convention aided only by two enormous cars, an unlimited expenses account and a collection of drugs sufficient to waste a bull elephant.

It's a work of demented genius, fit to remind any writer that fun and transgression can be part of the literary mix. It helped stop me being over-serious. Though, of course, don't try any of it at home.

The Wasp Factory

by lain Banks

I'm not claiming it's on the same level as the other two mentioned here, but it's the book that changed my life more than any other. I'd wanted to be a writer since primary school, and spent my teens and early twenties writing novel after novel, attempting to make this happen.

Finally, I learned a few things, such as not overwriting, leaving more to the reader's imagination, and writing a second draft. By persevering, maybe I lust had the right book at the right time. I was lucky, too, as the manuscript found its way to a man who was a brilliant editor and became a good friend: the late, great James Hale.

Catch-22 by Joseph Heller

I read Heller's phenomenal best-seller five times in two years back when I was about 14, and thought it was just the funniest, most scabrously profound novel I'd ever read (and I'd read a few books by then, having been, like most budding writers, a voracious reader from an early age).

Catch-22 helped me think about what I wanted to write and the effects I wanted to produce. It's still brilliant and it was eventually made into a great, underrated film. ■

Genuine friends & partners, all ages, all areas of UK + overseas section. 100s of photos. Established 1984 - still going strong 'cos it works! No membership fees. Free details: Person to Person (Dept RD) P.O. Box 40, Minehead TA24 5YS Tel: 01643 709 509 Genuine Friends Loving (Partners

Teatime Puzzles

2. Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the spaces, so that the number in each circle is equal to the sum of the four surrounding spaces, and each colour total is correct.

0 L Noughts and crosses

Put a nought (0) or a 0 cross (X) in each cell so that there are no lines

of three (000s or XXXs) in any direction.

3. Pathfinder

Beginning with the highlighted letter, follow a continuous path to find 20 words that can follow "silver". The trail passes through each and every letter once and may twist up, down or sideways but never diagonally.

81818519310

33811419

3ane/1(10,4,1 138903N011111

33301131814

1Ni/18193811NC

30dSM118810

00110301801N

8813N1090f0121

N

OJUBDINBRA

I DR I DEGNOC

TAAL TWSPOE

NNKESLAMNL

I NTE I LDEEE

R IONEDSRET

CLHGU IMCSS

IDS I F T TREE

I EBLSH I ATR

LLULEBNR I V

ARESURFECE

£50 prize question in the November issue)

Wordladder Change one letter at a time (but not the position of any letter) to make a new word—and move from the word at the top of the ladder to the word at the bottom using the exact number of rungs provided.

The first correct answer we pick on September 27 wins MI' Email excerpts( readersdigest.co.uk

Answer to September's prize question:

And the £50 goes to... Cristina McDowell from Teignmouth, Devon

11 A murder suspect's trial wasn't going well, so his lawyer resorted to a trick. "I have a surprise for you," he told the jury. "In one minute, the real murderer will walk into this courtroom."

Stunned, the jurors looked towards the door, but nothing happened. "I lied," said the lawyer. "But you all looked over with anticipation, which proves there's reasonable doubt as to my client's guilt."

The jury retired to deliberate and found the defendant guilty.

"But you must have had some doubt," the lawyer protested. "You all stared at the door!"

"True," said the judge. "But your client didn't." S Brown, North Carolina, US

"Better just do a spell check..."

I WOODEN SPOONS ARE HANDY, BECAUSE YOU CAN use them to prepare food. Or, if you haven't got time for that, you can write a number on one, go into a pub and say, "Where's my dinner?"

I Me and my wife haven't got any savings. Well, we do, but they're all tied up in Boots points.

I I've put on a bit of weight recently. My wife says it's puppy fat, but I've been eating other things as well... All three by comedian Gareth Richards

I My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Great car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put in the hours...and I'll have an even better car next year."

Stuart Collinson, Edinburgh

I Q: What's the opposite of imagination?

A: I have no idea. Seen on the internee

'I The Daily Mail and the Express have this thing where they publish lists of things that cause diseases, and things that cure them. The lists are both the same.

Comedian Carrie Quinlan

Some people say I'm a loud eater, but I just say my mouth has great acoustics

Comedian Bec Hill

I want to take one of those English as a Second Language courses—just to go in and blow everybody away on the first day. US comedian Craig Anton

I I know that the English always say that Irish pubs are so friendly. Let me tell you something: we don't even know you're there.

Comedian Sean Hughes ►

The nice thing about Big Brother is that it keeps struggling actors in work. They are actors...right?

Twitter comedian @sixthformpoet

LITTLE EPIPHANIES

#18:

Comedian Alun Cochrane inhabits a daydreamy world of surreal realisations and whimsy. This is his monthly moment of revelation

I write this from a rented holiday home in the Cotswolds. The cottage is charming with lovely gardens, a modern kitchen... and perhaps too modern a bathroom. It's a wet room. Now, I've lived in student properties that had "wet rooms", but it was a damp problem, rather than a selling point.

I never go into one of these open-plan bathrooms and think, Oh, I'm really glad of all this arm space. I hate being boxed in by a shower screen or curtain. In fact, the joy of having a shower is dampened (forgive the pun) by the knowledge that my lumbering frame is causing spray that will almost definitely result in a wet towel or clothes.

And it has a really wet floor. I suppose it would do but, when your bathroom has a window cleaner's scrim in the cupboard, surely one may have chosen the wrong system for cleansing. We scrape excess water across the (too small) tiles and into the plug. This leaves some dampness around the toilet and that, in turn, leads to a sort of festival smell.

However, there's an upside: when a bird left a major bowel movement across my car window yesterday morning, I knew exactly where I could get my hands on a scrim. And then it occurred to me: perhaps so did the previous guests.

VERY SUPERSTITIOUS QUIRKY LIFE TIPS

Halloween is, for some, a spooky time. But fear not—scriptwriters Leila Johnston and Tim Warriner have written an online guide to the supernatural. (See theinnerhead.com for more.)

■ The signal bars on your telephone have no relation to how strong the mobile-phone signal is. They indicate how many ghosts are standing right behind you.

■ Religious people are extremely lucky. If you can rub yourself against one as they come out of the church, it'll bring you no end of good luck.

■ Mystics can easily deduce the need to go to the toilet in a stranger by the telepathic reading of minds. But sometimes it's less trouble to observe body language instead. If you find yourself talking to someone in a nightclub who keeps taking small steps away from you, they almost certainly need to go. Helpfully take them by the arm and lead them into a toilet cubicle.

■ The ancient superstition of covering mirrors when a person in our realm dies is performed to indicate to the dead person's reflection that they can take a break from their exhausting job.

■ Fear of water and fear of small doses are both treatable with homeopathy.

■ Magpies collect commemorative plates and decorate the walls of their nests with these beautifully moulded examples of kitsch. Magpies have no sense of irony, and collect these because they genuinely believe that the plates will increase in value in the future.

SHADOW GAMES

All you need to have fun is a light source and a little imagination... Seen on the internet

I Ladies: if a man says he will fix it, he will. There's no need to remind him every six months about it. Seen on the internet

I The unmanned Mars spacecraft Curiosity didn't reach its destination. It crashed into a cat.

Comedian Mark Restuccia

I Surely everyone is full of themselves...?

Comedian Rob Beckett

I "Fly like a butterfly, sting like a bee," is a rubbish phrase. Butterflies fly funny, and bees die after they sting. Should've been "plane" and "wasp".

Comedian lain Stirling, by Twitter

I Sitting in a stationary car alone is possibly the quietest thing ever; so freaky that I've had to just start screaming so I don't go crazy.

Comedian Adam Hess, by Twitter

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

FAVOuRI EL ONE-LINER'

Louis CK has got a bit called "Why?" about his child asking him "Why?" It's on on YouTube*.

BEST JOKE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?

I've got a new routine about poo; it's an unrelenting half hour on our hang-ups as adults. Kids have none. Why are we repulsed by talking about something that happens to us on a daily basis? We're grown-ups, and we've probably just done one.

Rob is now touring the UK. For details and tickets, see robrouse.com

FUNNIEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

A couple of months ago, my wife and I went to view a house, taking our baby with us. It was a strangely unwelcoming place with about 50 cats in it. Helen made an excuse and went to sit in the car with the baby while I looked around. When I went back to the car, she explained to me that she'd genuinely thought we were about to be murdered; and I realised she'd made her excuse and gone and sat in the car—and left me there to die! When you have children, you suddenly learn your place.

FAVOURITE TV SHOW?

Blackadder Goes Forth. Outstanding and brilliantly written, but more than anything, a bunch of people performing at their absolute best. It war funny and so silly but har. the capacity to be really moving, especially at the end, where they all went over the top.

FINALLY, WHO'S YOUR COMEDY INSPIRATION?

My family. Comedy for me is about reflecting and making sense of life. My wife and kids force me to be a proper human being! If you live life with some depth, you have more to talk about. ■

'Warning: bad language us

Beat the Cartoonist!

WIN £100 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

AUGUST'S WINNER -

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-October alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readers digest.co.uk or the address on page 6 by October 5. Enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption. We'll announce the winner in our December issue. •

IN NEXT MONTH'S ISSUE...

Make this your easiest (and tastiest) Christmas yet with our fabulous fast festive food special!

The cartoonists strike back! After a string of victories for our readers, Tim Harries restores the dignity of the professionals, with "Turn off your predictive text, Brother Thomas..." securing the most votes by a clear margin. The contest gets hotter and hotter...

SCOREBOARD READERS 5

CARTOONISTS 3

• Britain's best cinemas

• How Countdown became a TV legend

• The world's oddest restaurants

• The next big thing in health...

PLUS Joan Bakewell, Alice Cooper, Phil Redmond

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