Reader's Digest December 2013

December 2013 Features

“Our bodies sometimes do the strangest things,” says Teresa Dumain, a health reporter based in New York. “But, a little at a time, we find that everything happens for a reason.” p46

“From Mods and Rockers to Miley Cyrus, young people have always had a poor press,” says historian Dominic Sandbrook. “But the media always focus on a few bad apples.” p80

“Paul Joy is a modest man and his work clothes consist of a cap and boiler suit,” observes photographer

Chris George. “But he’s every bit as determined and shrewd as any top lawyer.” p84

The Anderson-Dixon family always set a breakfast place for Joe the camel—find out why on p72

...at the front

It’s Christmas! So we’ve packed this issue with all the fun, frivolity and fabulousness of the festive season. Not only do we have an exclusive interview with Ray Winstone (meeting Ray during the photoshoot for this month’s cover is certainly one of the highlights of my year), but we also have an “I Remember...” with the incomparable David Jason.

But Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without a story to warm your heart— and we have three! Turn to p52 to find out why, for some, this Yuletide will be a whole new, exciting experience.

And do take a look at our buzzy new website at readersdigest.co.uk, where you’ll find fun and games, lots of prizes to win (just in time for last-minute gifts, perhaps?), plus must-read articles and fantastic how-to tips.

A very merry Christmas from all of us to all of you. Reader’s

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Letter of t he Month

Your article “How Honest Are We?” brought back memories of my time as a student at the University of Oulu in Finland. I made several Finnish friends, and I was amazed when they went out without locking their doors, or left their cars unlocked and their wallets under the driver’s seat when swimming in the lake.

Most of all, your article reminded me of the time I arrived at the railway station in Helsinki without my purse. I’d put it on the ground by the cycle racks to unlock my bike and ridden off without it. Luckily, someone had returned it to my department head. Judging by your feature, the odds of recovering it would have been lower in Holland or Germany— the other options for my university exchange!

Susannah Harrison, Brighton

My late husband always said the word “honesty” should be removed from the dictionary. But my daughter mislaid her handbag three times in as many months—once in a car park, once in a shopping centre and once in the back lane where she lives—and each time it was returned within hours.

I hasten to add that my daughter isn’t usually careless, but at the time she was easily distracted by her toddler twins!

Philippa Sampson, Devon

tony’s world

I thoroughly enjoyed Tony Robinson’s “I Remember”. He’s one of my favourite actors and presenters, and I agree with many of his political beliefs. Who else could bring humour and enthusiasm to such a dry subject as archaeology and make it appealing to the masses?

I also think the character of Baldrick in Blackadder was an unforgettable part of British comedy. His recent knighthood was well deserved, and I hope he’ll be around to entertain us for many years to come.

John Edlington, Rotherham

Over to You…

nicci @nic3i

I just sat on the floor of my bathroom with the shower running reading @rdigest for a solid 15 minutes. Whoops!

It’s sad that Tony Robinson thinks being an only child made him quite solitary. I’m an only child, but my parents always welcomed my friends into our house. I went on outings and holidays with them, and I also saw my cousins a lot.

I feel the fault lies with the parents if they make the life of an only child a solitary one.

abby Hardin, carlisle

love and hate

I agree with Toby Young’s remark in October’s “Maverick” that British cuisine is the best in the world, but not when he says we should bin fish ’n’ chips as our national dish. It’s the one meal people are happy to queue up for, and I’ve rarely seen a similar line outside a gastro pub or restaurant on a weekend night. andrew Berry, lincoln

The “national institution” I’d like to see culled is binge drinking. Apart from the £3bn that alcohol-related problems cost the NHS, it’s estimated that around 10,000 of us die prematurely each year from alcohol abuse. If such a toll

were being wrought by terrorists or swarms of mutant wasps, there would be an outcry!

Barbara Wootton, Staffordshire

to lulu, with love

I’m a Lulu fan, but her recent remarks in “If I Ruled the World” about the disparity in wages made me wince. She accused footballers and financiers of earning millions compared with more deserving teachers and nurses—conveniently omitting top singers in the process.

Kaye Richards, Worcester

whipping up a treat

Time is of the essence when you’re a mother of three with two foster children, so I was extremely grateful for your “Fast Food” recipe: bulgur pilaf with mushrooms. Despite the stated 30 minutes, I served it up in just under 28. Not only was it inexpensive, it was delicious as well. Keep the recipes coming!

Roxie Sumner, london

a word isn’t born

“fish ’n’ chips is the one

MeaL peopLe are happy to queue up for”

It was interesting to see you identify “owling” as a new word in “Word Power”. Maybe so, in the sense of an internet craze, but it also describes an early form of smuggling—running wool out of Britain to the continent without paying dues. Your readers should be told!

Val Jenner, Kent

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Kristoff goes on a perilous journey with his trusty reindeer Sven; (below) Anna meets Hans, a dashing prince

Film r a d ar

your short, sharp guide to december

Author and BBC4 Review

Show critic Natalie Haynes on the new releases

in cinemas

Frozen Disney has waited a long time to film Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Snow Queen” (though everyone else from the British to the Russians has had a go in the meantime). And Frozen is a pretty loose adaptation— unless my childhood memory fails me, the talking snowman is an addition, though he brings a lot of charm.

You may already know the story: a kingdom is

embroiled in winter, unless our heroine can save the day. In this version, she’s accompanied by a handsome ice-seller and Olaf, the aforementioned snowman, who’s more likely to be hurtling over the ground than walking in the air.

Frozen is produced by the team that reworked “Rapunzel” as Tangled, and they’ve hired a top-notch cast: Kristen Bell as the heroine Anna; Jonathan Groff (from Glee) as her pal Kristoff. And they’ve persuaded Broadway royalty Idina Menzel to play the Snow Queen herself, so the songs are excellent.

Kill Your Darlings

Daniel Radcliffe never fails to impress me with his determination to take on challenging projects, when he could clearly be rolling around in used tenners. His latest film sees him tackle the sexually and morally ambiguous role of Allen Ginsberg, in a tale covering the poet’s time at Columbia University.

Lucien Carr connects with Allen Ginsberg (played by Daniel Radcliffe)

Ginsberg is drawn to an intoxicating crowd (in every sense), befriending Jack Kerouac, William Burroughs and the difficult Lucien Carr (Dane DeHaan). As their older friend David (Dexter’s Michael C Hall) becomes jealous of Lucien’s social circle, their friendship turns into something much darker.

There’s been a spate of Kerouac/Ginsberg films recently (On the Road, Howl), but the presence of Radcliffe should guarantee this an audience. As a true story of dangerous obsession, it has a lot to offer even those viewers who don’t love Beat poetry (me).

reader radar

Monica Hartwell, 65, charity consultant

and natalie’s pick of the dvds

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Percy goes after the Golden Fleece and faces Charybdis and other monsters en route. Greekmyth fun.

Kick-Ass 2

More violent shenanigans with the hapless notso-superhero and the evercompelling Hit Girl.

Watching: Antiques Roadshow

If I could have my life again, I’d be an antiques dealer. Fascinating.

Reading: The Post-Birthday World by Lionel Shriver

It focuses on a decision a woman has to make, then splits in two, following the consequences of the choices she could have made.

Online: dsc.org.uk

The Directory of Social Change site is vital for my job. It’s also full of interesting stuff about voluntary work.

Listening: Our Version of Events by Emeli Sandé Her voice is both soothing and emotional.

Music

BBC 6

Music’s Stuart Maconie’s pick of the recent releases

New by Paul McCartney

Think Macca’s modern makeover Paul McCartney’s last album, the implausibly titled Kisses on the Bottom, was sweet enough; a series of standards revisited in bittersweet romantic mood. But the first few bars of the track “New” announced vibrantly that Macca was back. Produced by Mark Ronson, it evoked the past at every turn, from the bouncing “Penny Lane” beat to the “Lady Madonna” skat vocals, but with a hugely commercial contemporary gloss. Elsewhere, producers Giles Martin, Paul Epworth and Ethan Johns also contribute to a giddily diverse set that’s his best in years.

Fanfare by Jonathan Wilson

The Woodstock bill on one album

From Melville to Scott Fitzgerald to David Foster Wallace, novelists have struggled to produce the Great American Novel. Jonathan

Wilson, a singer and guitarist from North Carolina, may well have produced the Great American Album—except that doesn’t quite cover it, as there are nods to the Floyd, The Beatles and other Brits in this Leviathan of a record, which is as comforting as a porch rocker and as strange as an acid trip. Psychedelic, soulful, expansive, deep, dark and warm by turns, this is a masterpiece.

Shangri La by Jake Bugg

Think Bob Dylan with an Asbo

The fact that Bugg, the whippetlean teenage troubadour from Nottingham, has chosen to name his second album after the luxury Malibu hideaway where he recorded it is almost beyond parody. It certainly may set some alarm bells ringing for those who loved the feral underpass balladry of his debut. The punkish spleen of “What Doesn’t Kill You” and “Slumville Sunrise” will reassure, but the pub-rock muscle on several tracks might alienate as many as it attracts.

Gadgets

Technology expert, BBC 5 Live presenter and Answer Me This! podcaster

Olly Mann reveals the latest must-haves

also on our radar…

December 1–8

Charity Santa Run, various locations nationwide

December 2

Turner Prize winner announced

December 14

World Pie Eating Championship, Harry’s Bar, Wigan

December 31

Edinburgh Hogmanay street party

christmas toy special

Nerf Elite RapidStrike CS-18, £24.99 As a “creative” child, I was regularly pelted with foam bullets, so I still suffer bouts of panic whenever I see one of these bad boys. But with my own hands on the trigger, it’s a more empowering experience. This automatic blaster fires darts at distances of 65 feet, the only downside being that it’s so fast you don’t get much gunning time before pausing to reload.

Dennis the Menace Prankster Set, £15.99 It’s the 75th anniversary of Dennis the Menace’s alma mater, The Beano. To celebrate, this pack of schoolboy pranks features a roll of “flea infestation’” sticker tape, a fake book cover and—oh, how father will laugh—a set of penaltycharge notices to pin to his car.

Cra-Z-loom bracelet maker, £19.99 This loop-and-weave craft toy is the last word in low-tech, being simply a plastic loom that turns mini rubber bands into jewellery, yet it’s already taken the US by storm. It may not be the most thrilling present to unwrap, but I bet it’s the one she’ll still be playing with next Christmas.

Flutterbye Flying Fairy, £34.99 This pink batteryoperated creature shadows your hands, hovering a few inches above your palms, flying wherever you point her. She’s so trusting, she’ll even follow your older brother as he mischievously directs her up to the ceiling fan.

See the full list of Olly’s top ten Christmas toys at readersdigest.co.uk/fun-games

Sport

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up comedian Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month’s action

Billabong Pipe Masters surfing, Hawaii, December 7–22

Is the Banzai Pipeline a) a historical dispute about oil transportation in early 20thcentury Siam; b) a prog-funk band featuring Michael Gove, Sue Barker and Desmond Tutu; or c) Planet earth’s self-styled most awesome wave, where surfing’s 2013 ASP Men’s World Tour will culminate splashily? Answer: c). And possibly b).

Handball: Women’s World Championship, Serbia, December 7–22 There’ll be dancing on the streets of Kinshasa if the Democratic Republic of Congo can mark its tournament debut by upsetting the 23 other participating nations’ apple carts and clinch the trophy. Sources, however, claim the authorities are making no plans for dealing with a mass boogie. Reigning world and Olympic champions Norway will be among the favourites.

Catching the tube, surfer-style…

Fifa World Cup Draw, Brazil, December 6

Children won’t be the only people tearing excitedly into a new advent calendar this month. Football fans will too, as they open the first of the 193 windows in their World Cup countdowns.

England secured their place in the finals despite playing almost unpatriotically exciting football in their final two qualifiers, causing rumblings of discontent among traditionalists who thought such fripperies had been outlawed. Recent tournament draws have been kind to the team, and Roy Hodgson will be tying knots in his lucky anaconda to make sure they receive another relatively simple passage through to the knockout phase, which they’ll inevitably almost balls up before wildly celebrating a draw against a country less than five per cent of the population had previously heard of. n

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PEOPLE

You Couldn’t Make It Up…

¶ my five-year-old nephew came home in tears the other day and was adamant that he wouldn’t go back to school the next day. After much gentle persuasion, he told

his mum that the teacher wanted to cut him up.

Confused and rather concerned, my sister went to school the next day and quizzed the teacher. The teacher explained the fun

¶ I filled in an application form to increase my life-insurance cover and accidentally put down my height as 8ft 5ins instead of 5ft 8ins.

Within a few days, I received a reply asking me to confirm the increase in my height, as “this may have an adverse effect on your premiums”.

Keith Stevens, East Sussex

¶ A letter recently arrived for my grandfather, inviting him to enter a competition to win a new car.

day that was planned: the class would be split in two, one group going to music and the other to PE—but there would be no splitting of body parts.

Vicky McCoy, Plymouth

“Imagine the surprise on your neighbours’ faces as you drive up in your new car,” it enthused.

My mother wrote a note back, saying it would indeed come as a surprise as her father had never learned to drive and we’d buried him six months previously.

Ann Wilson, Yorkshire

¶ I took my son to see Father Christmas in his grotto.

“So, you tell me that your mother says prayers for you each night,” he remarked. “What does she actually say?”

“Thank God he’s in bed!” my son replied.

My wife, listening in, went bright red.

Rikki Williams, Denbighshire

¶ A colleague of mine asked me to call the RSPCA because she could hear a little puppy trapped in the wall or underneath the building.

A few days later, her anxiety had gone.

She’d realised that the “dog” she could hear was the pop-up Office Assistant on her computer desktop.

Sarah Jenkins, Leeds

¶ I was chatting to our neighbour one afternoon. My son Michael, four years old and always asking questions, decided to join in.

“Why are you so fat?” he asked, much to my horror.

“oK, fill me in—who’s been naughty and who’s been nice?”

Luckily, she wasn’t at all offended. “I’m having a baby,” she politely replied.

Michael nodded. He proved his knowledge the next day when our plumber came over.

“I know why you’re so fat,” he declared loudly. “You’re having a baby!”

Rachel Watkeys Dowie, Oxford

My uncle sprained his ankle recently after slipping while coming downstairs.

He’d only gone upstairs to collect his chequebook to pay

¶ a friend of mine was in Dublin for a Jay Z gig. On her way there, she got talking to an elderly couple, who were strolling along beside her. They asked

Win £50 for your true, funny stories. email excerpts@ readers digest.co.uk or go to facebook. com/readers digestuk

what she was doing in Dublin, and she replied, “I’m going to see Jay Z.”

the man who was servicing his stairlift.

Tim Cox, Abergavenny

¶ I gave my son a letter and some money. I told him to go and buy a stamp and post the letter. On his return, he gave me the stamp and the change. I asked him where the letter was and he said he’d posted it. When I asked why he hadn’t put the stamp on, he replied that I hadn’t asked him to!

Lisa Hainsworth, Bradford

The elderly lady looked delighted. “So are we!” she exclaimed joyfully.

My friend was puzzled, until she realised that the Eucharistic Congress was being held in Dublin at the same time.

Catherine Braniff, Co Down ■

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Word Power

’tis the season to be jolly loud…

Carol singers on the doorstep, ice scrapers working like crazy, the dogs playing with their new toys— the season is rife with signature noises. But how well do you know your festive sounds?

Answer A, B or C below.

1 carillon n

A Christmas choir

B trombone blast

C set of bells

2 dulcet adj

A monotonous B staccato

C pleasing to the ear

a word is born gastrocrat

Used to describe a wealthy foodie, this has emerged in the last couple of years, usually as an insult (eg, “the gastrocrats are forcing up restaurant prices”).

RD Rating: Useful? 5/10

Likeable? 6/10

3 skirl v

A to play a bagpipe

B change musical key

C make a wish

4 stertor n

A snoring B howling

C whimpering

5 bombinate v

A to pop like a balloon

B bang a gong C buzz

6 euphony n

A pleasing or sweet

sound

B perfect pitch

C solo singing

7 cacophony n

A complete silence

B audio interruption

C harsh sound

8 sternutation n

A scolding tone B sneeze

C sound of a backfire

9 paradiddle n A lilting duet B wrong note on a horn C rapid drumbeat

10 canorous adj

A honking like geese

B echoing C melodious

11 purl n A rippling sound

B hum of contentment

C heavy accent

12 sough v A to moan or sigh B squeak annoyingly

C chug like an engine

13 cachinnate v

A to eavesdrop B sizzle

C laugh loudly

14 clarion adj A fast, as a song B repeated, as a verse C brilliantly clear

15 strident adj

A full of static B discordant

C hard to discern

Thanks for all the entries to our quiz to win a copy of How to Sound Really Clever, and congratulations to the 25 who were successful. ►

Word Power Answers

9–11 getting there

12–13 impressive 14–15 word-power wizard!

1 carillon C set of bells. “The highlight of the Christmas concert was the hall’s carillon.” Old French quarregnon (peal of four bells).

2 dulcet C pleasing to the ear. “Bev’s tones were so dulcet, Jerry sat mesmerised.” Latin dulcis (sweet).

3 skirl A play a bagpipe. “We awoke to Jimmy skirling away on his new gift.” Norwegian skyrlaskrella (to shriek).

4 stertor A snoring. “When Uncle Hal naps, the stertor could blow shingles off the roof.” Latin stertere (to snore).

5 bombinate C buzz. “The rehearsal bombinated in his head for the rest of the week.” Latin bombinare (to hum).

6 euphony A pleasing or sweet sound. “There’s no euphony like the words, ‘Children, time for bed!’ ” Greek euphonia (sweetness of voice).

7 cacophony—C harsh sound. “There’s no cacophony like the 4am announcement, ‘Dad,

Why humbug?

Popularised as “gibberish” by Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, the origin of humbug is cloaked in mystery. It could come from the Italian uomo bugiardo (lying man), or a combination of the Old English word hum (deceive) and the Welsh bwg (ghost—which would tie in nicely with Charles Dickens’s seasonal tale). But quite how this links to a mint-flavoured toffee is another matter.

Father Christmas came!’ ” Greek kakos (evil).

8 sternutation B sneeze. “With one loud sternutation, Maggie sent the startled pup diving for cover.” Latin.

9 paradiddle C rapid drumbeat. “Zack’s paradiddle drove everyone mad.” Imitative.

10 canorous C melodious. “The tearing of wrapping paper is a canorous noise.” Latin canor (melody).

11 purl—A rippling sound. “Alison found inspiration in the purl of the mountain

Play WP online: go to readersdigest. co.uk/wordpower brook.” Middle English pirlyng (revolving).

12 sough A moan or sigh. “We heard the soughing of the wind in the trees.” Old English swogan (to rustle).

13 cachinnate C laugh loudly. “Didn’t you think Bethany was overly cachinnating about her good fortune?” Latin.

14 clarion C brilliantly clear. “I was enraptured by the opera thanks to the soprano’s clarion voice.” Old French clarion (trumpet).

15 strident B discordant. “To say Alex’s new punk band is strident is an understatement.” Latin stridere (utter an inarticulate sound). n

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Care journey experts

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Kelly Hoppen If I Ruled the World

Kelly Hoppen MBE is an interior designer to the rich and famous, and has created everything from hotel lobbies to the insides of private planes. She’s also an entrepreneur, broadcaster and author, and is currently one of the dragons on BBC2’s Dragons’ Den.

I’d reallocate resources to tackle food poverty. it’s extraordinary to think people are still starving to death in different parts of the world, or don’t have clean water to drink. i’d give part of the money charged for car tax to combat this challenge (and others that really matter), instead of it going to things like roadworks—giving everyone the strength to work and learn.

Family life would go back to basics. it’s becoming more and more important as our children spend so much time on the internet, facebook and twitter. i really don’t approve of that; i think it’s quite dangerous.

bring back the old board games. and more quality time with parents and friends! restaurants could do better deals (or perhaps the Government could subsidise them) so that kids could come out to eat at weekends. i’d have more playgrounds too, with proper security and lighting, so parents feel safe taking their children there.

I’d get more inspiring mentors into schools. i gave a speech about role models the other day, and i was thinking about who mine had been. i was incredibly lucky that my mother was a fantastic role model—not all kids are so fortunate. so getting the Jamie olivers of this world into schools to meet them is really important.

Kids would get the right kind of “street” education. i know from being dyslexic (my daughter is as well) that if you’re more artistic, there are different

illustrated by sam falconer

ways you can be inspired beyond the classroom. this might mean taking kids to museums and galleries, having them speak to artists about why they created certain pieces. markets, too, are brilliant— so full of energy, laughter and banter, selling and buying. Kids would see their cities in a totally different light.

I’d increase access to the outdoors for those in urban environments. We have great parks in this country that are really well looked after. but kids in central london need to be helped to go to them. i’d increase the number of facilities available for kids with learning difficulties as well, by allocating more transport and funding.

I’d champion women in business, but it’s not about filling quotas. i think an awful lot is made in the press about women not being in prominent positions, yet we’re doing very well if you look at the statistics. again, it’s all about balance. you need men, and i don’t agree with all-female boardrooms.

There would be mandatory exercise regimes and fantastic diets to promote better health. everyone should go and work out every day! it doesn’t matter what kind of activity— 20 minutes’ daily exertion is all you need. the team in my studio take time to exercise, and we all eat really well; we cook lunch together. What you

“i’d have five minutes’ laughter time every hour, on the hour”

put in your mouth matters— it’s brain food.

Though I could never ban the telly, I’d perhaps tweak it a little. i’m a complete tV addict, i’m afraid—i love all these thrillers and game shows, The X Factor and Strictly. they’re light-hearted and fun, and they take your mind off the woes of the world. but there should be more educational shows too.

I’d encourage people to bring harmony into all areas of their lives. introducing harmony to your home is easy—that’s what i do for a living. it’s all about proportion and layout, texture and colour, lighting and music. and the way you can introduce it into your life is similar. it’s about who you surround yourself with—taking the time to find the right mix of work, play and people.

There’d be a lot more laughter in the world. there’s too much bad news and negativity. i’d have five minutes’ laughter time every hour, on the hour (whether that’s through tV, film or social contact). Hopefully the result would be a more relaxed society. ■ As told to Ellie Rose

Kelly Hoppen’s Design Masterclass: How to Achieve the Home of Your Dreams (£40) is out now.

Reasons to Be Cheerful 37

A new arrival has turned James Brown’s world upside down,

The day I went back to the radio show I’ve been doing with two other chaps, the producer came in after ten minutes and said, “You’ve got to calm down— everyone’s shouting over each other.”

“It’s James,” replied the host Johnny Vaughan. “It’s like someone’s let a dog out of a car after a long journey.”

“Look, it’s dead simple,” I replied. “This is the first time in two weeks I’ve actually

6am on a friend’s doorstep, with snow on the ground between us and the waiting taxi, about to set off on holiday to the other side of the Atlantic, a day after a house move fell through and everything we owned was stored in a lock-up, she looked at me and said, “I’m pregnant.”

It was great news, but, as she’d just found out, we had no time to sit down alone and discuss it. We were in the cab,

seen more than one adult male. I’ve been up most nights singing ‘Ten green bottles’ into a baby’s face.”

“Drinking from them, more like,” came the reply.

I’m nearly 50 years old, and three weeks ago my girlfriend Lisa had a very welcome baby boy. The whole amazing process has upended time. Nine months ago, at

on a train with friends, then on holiday. In a mesmerising daze.

It was to be my girlfriend’s first child and my second, but the first in 12 years. We were unsure about telling people because she was just three weeks pregnant. There was a horrible moment on holiday when we had to travel in a fisherman’s water taxi—it dawned on me that bumping over the waves was a dangerous

Baby Love

and it’s the best feeling in the world

thing to be doing. Thankfully, everything was OK, and we spent the last few days of the holiday on our own, just saying names and laughing in disbelief.

NCT classes were a bizarre programme of fear generation and nervousness. We held dolls inside fake pelvises and I tried to reassure the dads-to-be that everything would be all right. Whatever the lady taking the course discussed seemed to

with the fantastic ladies of University College Hospital, London. Forty minutes of pushing and a new human emerged. A screaming boy. He looked big and tough, but he spent the first two days in special care. I’ve never been more impressed with the NHS. It amazes me that the Government wouldn’t want to invest more in such a set-up.

As each day ticks by, he settles into a

be bookended with a worst-case scenario. It served to remind me how precarious it all is.

Nine months passed, during which we had to find, buy and do up a house. The deadline was the baby coming. It was challenging, but each challenge allowed us to take our minds off the other.

Suddenly, we were in the hospital

routine of sleeping, sleeping and sleeping (apart from when we want to sleep). He stares in awe at what little he can see, with the exact look of wonder on his face that the rest of us feel inside. He catches himself when he hears music—he’ll soon discover there are more beautiful sounds than my “Ten Green Bottles”/“Going to the Zoo”/“Wheels on the Bus” medley.

And the name game keeps rolling ►

It’s strange to think that I have two children. It’s made me feel even closer to my first little boy

along. Lisa doesn’t want me to name him after anyone in The Clash; I don’t fancy naming him after anyone in the Royal Family. We try different names. He has one for a week and then we decide against it. Having the surname Brown means so many match singers’ names: James, Joe, Bobby, Arthur, Sam. But there are more urgent matters. We have to learn to identify the different types of crying: food, wind or nappy. Unlike the first time round, I haven’t been wracked with fear. I know everything will be OK. It’s strange to think that

I have two children. The new arrival has made me feel even closer to my first little boy—my favourite photo is of him holding the baby.

This all seems like mushy stuff, but it’s as good a Reason to Be Cheerful as I can think of. And I’ve held back from plastering photos all over Facebook. n

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: “We can’t concentrate, why should you?” Follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown

Budding Authors, Take a Bow

What I can see

Submitted by Chris Moy, Hampshire

First floor: Noisy man who likes to party. Noisy definitely. Has a nice expensive car. Second floor: Young couple in love. Definitely in love. Baby on the way. Third floor: Angry man, unhappy with his wife. Anyway, definitely unhappy. Fourth floor: Lonely man, very quiet, who likes to drink. Doesn’t go out very much. No car, definitely no wife nor child. Fifth floor: I’m lying face down on the concrete now. I must have said my goodbyes to each and every one of me on the way down. I can only guess. I didn’t see it coming.

This macabre tale was one of thousands submitted to last year’s 100-Word Story Competition. We’ll be featuring a commended story in the magazine every month. There’s still time to enter this year’s contest. See p64 for details. chris says: “The idea for my story came to me when I was living in a block of flats. Initially I wanted to create impressions of different people or families living on different floors and how they live their lives, but I just couldn’t get it to click. Then I came up with idea of using one person going through life and elevating through the stages (floors) of his life. My story has a bad ending (my mother didn’t like it at all), but knowing that there could be bad endings in life perhaps helps us to avoid living them.”

Chris will receive a cheque for £50

Despite his reputation as a tough guy, it’s family Christmases, old-fashioned values and turkey-flavoured bacon sandwiches that really matter to Ray Winstone

‘‘ We have a party,

but we stopalways for the Queen’s Speech’’

Whisper it, but Ray Winstone may be mellowing with age.

The man who made his name playing hard nuts and hoodlums is telling Reader’s Digest about his new Sky1 drama Moonfleet, an adaptation of John Meade Falkner’s classic Victorian tale of smuggling and skulduggery. Ray plays Elzevir Block, the smuggler-in-chief who teams up with the young orphan John Trenchard (Aneurin Barnard). Yet far from describing it as a tale of swordplay and

photographed by seamus ryan ►

by benji wilson

derring-do, Ray is keen to see Moonfleet as a parable about parenting.

“Before you start talking about the smuggling bit and all that, it’s more like the story of a man who’s lost a son. He finds another kid who could be his son, and tries to guide him through life and morals. It’s a story of every age, in a way. It’s that thing about the journey of a young man finding adulthood and what the important things are.”

Ray is 56, and still cuts a formidable figure—all eyes are drawn to him as he holds forth in the bar of the Dorchester Hotel in London’s Mayfair, looking almost rakish in a sharp three-piece suit. Yet, while he may remain “the Daddy”, he’s also a real daddy to three daughters, two of them grown up. Several times he describes himself as “an old fart”, and age has obviously led to some reflection.

“I suppose I’m getting older. I’ve done all them films about society like Nil By Mouth—which I’m happy to do again. But you get to a certain age, and you start looking back on your life and what growing up’s all about. And it’s great when you can make something and feel all ages can sit down and watch it. Because I guess a film like [pitch-dark 1999 family drama] The War Zone is not exactly a Saturdaynight-with-a-pizza type of thing.”

This presumably explains more recent choices such as Moonfleet , the BBC’s Great Expectations and Martin Scorsese’s fantasy film Hugo. Ray has, he says, moved from being a firebrand—the man who tore up the screen in films such as Alan Clarke’s brutal borstal drama

Scum—to a slightly bemused parent, an outsider looking in on the youth of today.

“I don’t understand the younger generation. I try to. Ben [Drew, his co-star on last year’s The Sweeney, also known as the rapper Plan B] was a great one to work with because he’ll talk about what’s happening on a council estate. I mean I’m quite aware of, you know, drugs and people getting killed and shot and all this b******s going on, but my answer to that is it’s all f******g wrong.

“I’ve lived in those places in the past [he grew up on an estate in Plaistow, east London] but it was a different time. It was the Sixties. Yeah, there were gangs, but it was your street against my street, you’d have a punch-up and that was it. Very rarely was someone stabbed or shot. Maybe we just didn’t hear about it, but today it seems like every time you turn on the news, it’s happened. Places where my grandfather might have lived are now no-go areas.”

So what’s Ray’s solution?

“The first thing I always say is, Well, go in with the troops and sort them out! But that’s just being ignorant. You need to listen to someone who actually knows it.”

Ray likes to act the blunderbuss—but as soon as he suggests sending in the army, he admits that he knows the violence and disaffection among young people are actually to do with social breakdown and “the number of people who feel lost”.

“There’s nothing to do, and even kids who’ve got an education and great credentials, when they come out of university, they can’t get a job. It must be soul-destroying. Maybe

“At a certain age, you start looking back on your life”

there is more pressure on kids than there was when I was young.”

He looks back on his childhood as a time of tough living, but of wholesome values. “My mum made dinners for the old lady who lived over the road—she was on her own. Everyone on that street knew everyone because they lived on

top of one another, and everyone would watch everyone else’s kids when they were playing out. Then they built highrise flats, people moved to the suburbs and families grew apart.”

Family, as you might have guessed, is important to Ray. He’s been married to his wife Elaine for 34 years. And while he laughs and says that his daughters, ►

With wife Elaine and daughters Lois (left) and Jaime at The Sweeney premiere

Hail geezer—clockwise from above: with Ben Drew and Hayley Atwell in the film version of The Sweeney, 2012; appearing in the original TV series, 1976; The War Zone; Nil by Mouth

Lois, 31, and Jaime, 28, (both actresses) and Ellie, 12, are “quite strong-willed, you know?”, they are close to him. One even calls him in the middle of our interview— although he doesn’t say which of them. Winstone family values centre on a single rule. On Sundays, they all get together for dinner at his and Elaine’s house in Essex.

“It’s great when you make something for all ages”: with Aneurin Barnard in Moonfleet

For Christmas, it will be the same drill, but with more people and a grander spread. “On Christmas Eve, I’ll wrap the turkey in bacon and I’ll do all me buttering and dress it all and put it on a nice slow cook overnight. In the morning, I’ll get up, take the bacon off—it’s got a turkey flavour—crisp it up and make bacon sandwiches for everyone. The music goes on, they all come downstairs and we open the presents. Dinner is around two o’clock, we have all the family round and we drink and we have a little party. But we always stop for the Queen’s Speech.”

Winstone has made his name as a man of the people—our Ray, the geezer we both love and fear, just a little. But look at him today: the suit, the drinks at the Dorchester, the designer glasses and shoes that would set you back the price of a season ticket on the terraces at West Ham, his local team growing up. At times it must be strange to consider how far he’s come from that Plaistow council estate.

“The thing that changes—and I don’t mean this horribly because I’ve been to West Ham all my life—is that I used to love being in the crowd and just sitting there with the boys having a laugh. Then I found I couldn’t because people will talk to me all through the game—I’m not moaning about it, they were just talking—but I want to watch the game with me mates. So you think, I’ve got a few quid so I’ll get a box. But then how can you say you’re the same as everyone else? And so I stopped doing it. These days I go now and again, but you spend most of the game just talking to everyone…”

In other words—and he could not be more apologetic about it—the man of the people can’t always be amongst his people. One way he has found is by working on TV, a direct route to their front rooms. It’s a medium he’s long embraced along with film.

“The thing that annoys me with TV today is we haven’t got a choice of what to watch, even with all the channels. You can go to four different ones and you can watch four cookery programmes at the same f*****g time. I’m picking on cookery but it could be travel or antiques.”

Unsurprisingly, Ray’s preference would be for more drama.

“I feel the BBC is really missing out on a thing they had many, many years ago called Play for Today. It functioned like a school that great directors and writers came out of. They haven’t got that any more. The BBC make some good drama, don’t get me wrong. I just wish they’d make more. And I’m saying that not as an actor, but as someone who turns on the telly at home.”

As for film, next spring sees the release of Noah, a new biblical blockbuster starring Russell Crowe. “I’m playing Tubal-cain, who’s Noah’s nemesis in a way. I’m like this warrior king. It’s epic, massive. And it says a lot about the modern world—Noah is trying to tell people about what they’re doing to the planet, and the consequences.”

But is Ray Winstone, a man who can put the fear

of God into most people with nary a glance, a God-fearing man himself?

“Do I believe? I don’t know, the universe is quite an amazing place. You can’t say yes or no. I mean, I don’t run my life on it, but I have got my own ethics and my own morals about things. I guess that’s my own religion in a way. But if someone believes in something and it helps them, there’s nothing wrong with that at all.”

Ray, wending his way back via a second vodka and coke to where we began, says that if you want a taste of his own code, take a look at Victorian tales like Moonfleet or Great Expectations.

“I think there is a hell of a lot of honour in those books, or at least striving to be honourable. And being an old boy, and sounding like my dad did when I was a kid, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of that about today.” n

Moonfleet is on Sky1 HD over Christmas and the New Year.

Not Really a Spectator Sport

 My local electrical shop had this sign outside. I couldn’t help thinking, Well, I would, but it might be a bit tedious!

Many thanks to Gina White from West Sussex for sending this in

Bestof British Christmas Spirits

Brits have long been masters of distillation— and Christmas is the perfect time to sample something new. So here’s our round-up of some of the country’s tastiest tipples

By LoLa Borg

SIPSMITH GIN

It’s something of an understatement to say that gin, once associated with William Hogarth prints and ruined mothers, has had a makeover in the past decade. But nowhere is this more evident than with Sipsmith: three beardy blokes—OK, so one is clean-shaven— who run a microdistillery in Hammersmith, west London.

Established in 2009, Sipsmith has the capital’s first new copper still for 200 years (it’s called Prudence) and its dry gin is made using water from Lydwell Spring, one of the sources of the Thames. The result is a spirit of “painstaking integrity”, says Fraser Allen, publisher of drinks magazine Hot Rum Cow, with Sipsmith right to claim that it’s “the quintessential expression of a classic London dry gin”.

The company also makes a sloe gin that, according to Susanna Forbes of the website Drink Britain, has a complexity of flavours with notes of cherry, plums and Seville orange. Better still, at this time of year it can be drunk mulled with apple juice and spices. Yum.

sipsmith London Dry Gin, £29.45 for 70cl; sipsmith sloe Gin, £24.25 for 50cl. For more, including information about distillery tours, see sipsmith.com

ADNAMS MORELLO CHERRY LIQUEUR

Adnams is well known to beer-drinkers all over Britain for its brewery in Southwold, Suffolk. Less famously, though, it has the Copper House distillery too. Adnams First Rate Gin is described by the Guardian as “really classy with bags of fresh juniper and orange”—but the company also produces this: a deep red morello cherry liqueur with punchy fruity layers of ripe cherry, made from its own vodka. “I love it because of the freshness of the fruit,” says Susanna Forbes. You can drink it solo as a digestif; with sparkling wine as a Kir; or as an ingredient in cocktails.

Oh yes, and Adnams also distils a Winter Spiced Liqueur—beautifully warming at this time of year.

Cherry Liqueur, £15.49 for 35cl; Winter spiced Liqueur, £15.49 for 35cl. For more, including ideas for cocktails, see adnams.co.uk

LAGAVULIN 16-YEAROLD WHISKY

If smoky, peaty whisky is your bag, there’s really only one Hebridean island to head for. “Islay is the place for smoky whisky,” Roddy Graham, Drink Britain’s whisky editor, says firmly.

In fact, there are three similar whiskies from south Islay: Ardbeg, Laphroaig and Lagavulin, whose distilleries are within five minutes of each other. These, according to Graham, are whisky’s “Holy Trinity”, and you could visit all three in an afternoon. (Actually, he says, you could visit all eight of the island’s distilleries in a day but you’d “be a bit tired by the end of it”.)

stands out—and that the “insanely smoky” 16-year-old is the one you want. Distilled slowly, it has an intense peat rush, says Ian Buxton, author of 101 Whiskies to Try Before You Die, followed by sweet oranges and toffee. It’s not cheap but the quality is undisputed. Johnny Depp, apparently, orders it just for the smell.

Even so, he still believes that Lagavulin ►

Lagavulin 16-Year-Old, £43.23 for 70cl

BUSHMILLS ORIGINAL IRISH

WHISKEY

The Irish have been knocking back Bushmills for more than 400 years. 1608, the date on the label, is when King James I gave the Bushmills region an official licence to distil, although it’s known that Bushmills’ origins stretch back centuries earlier. Today the company is owned by multinational giant Diageo, but it still has the oldest operating distillery in the world, with the entire shebang —from “grain to glass”—taking place on the Antrim coast near the Giant’s Causeway. It’s an indication of just how deep the affection for this drink runs that in 2008 an illustration of the Bushmills distillery was used on Northern Irish banknotes. (It replaced Queen’s University Belfast.)

Bushmills produces blends and single malts, both distilled three times. (This is typical for Irish whiskeys; in Scotland, where whisky comes without the “e”, it’s normally twice.) Taste the stuff and you’ll be in good company: Bushmills has oiled the throats of everyone from Seamus Heaney to James Joyce, who even gave it a mention it in Ulysses Purists have it neat, often as a Guinness chaser (“a pint and a wee one”). Those less traditional can try a Burning Bush—basically a hot toddy. Or, Roddy Graham points out, it’s exceedingly good in a Manhattan. Bushmills Original irish Whiskey, £19.45 for 70cl. For more, including tours, see bushmills.com

CHASE VODKA

Snatching the title of Best Vodka in the World three years ago from the Russians and Poles, Chase’s is made on a smallish farm in Hereford. Vodka is a neutral spirit, often distilled from say, wheat or barley—but one that can be made from almost anything.

Black Cow Pure Mild

Vodka from Dorset, for example, does exactly what it says on the bottle—and Graham claims that one manufacturer even makes vodka out of lobsters!

William Chase, who used to make Tyrrells crisps before selling the company in 2008, unsurprisingly had an attic full of surplus spuds on his farm— which may be why his main vodka is made out of potatoes, giving the drink a smooth natural sweetness. It takes roughly 35lbs to make one bottle, with the bonus that it’s wheat-free.

Chase now produces around 3,000 bottles a week. His more unusual varieties are the fruity Marmalade Vodka—with homemade Seville marmalade and good for cocktails—and Naked Apple Vodka, from organic apples.

Chase Vodka, £32.95; Chase Marmalade Vodka, £35.70; Naked Chase Apple Vodka, £39.99—all 70cl. For more, including tours, see chasedistillery.co.uk ►

PLYMOUTH GIN

There used to be many gins produced in Plymouth; today there’s just one.

Plymouth Gin is made in the romantically named Black Friars Distillery, built as a Dominican monastery in the early 15th century—but associated with a rather more temporal spirit since 1793. The Refectory Room is where the Pilgrim Fathers spent their last night in England in 1620 before sailing for the New World from the nearby docks.

(Hence the picture of the Mayflower on the Plymouth label.)

The company’s website explains that “for almost two centuries, Her Majesty’s Naval Fleet was sustained by Plymouth

Gin”; and that no ship left the port without stocking up on their Navy Strength 100% proof—a mind-blowing 57% ABV—which was tested by adding some to a small amount of gunpowder and seeing if the compound burned well. (If it didn’t, that meant the gin had been watered down.) Shipped all over the globe from Plymouth docks and specified in the original recipe for dry Martini, Plymouth is a gin of great depth.

It’s also the only gin in the world with Protected Designation of Origin status.

Plymouth Original strength Gin, £24; Navy strength (if you’re feeling brave), £34—both 70cl. For more, including tours, see plymouthgin.com

MERLYN WELSH CREAM LIQUEUR

Creamy whisky liqueurs slip down a treat at Christmas. The most popular, of course, is Baileys Irish Cream, devised in 1971 from the old Irish tradition of mixing cream and whisky for those feeling, ahem, “slightly unwell” after the night before. Today it shifts some seven million cases a year, and Baileys has now added a Chocolat Luxe version—far more delicious than it sounds.

From the Penderyn distillery in the Brecon Beacons, though, comes a different tipple to offer the aunties. Like a Baileys from Wales, it’s made from cream and Welsh malted barley spirit—and just one cask a day is produced, so it’s pretty special. It tastes like “a naughty coffeeinfused ice cream,” says Susanna Forbes, with hazelnut and milk chocolate notes. Perfect to sip over ice, or with a hazelnut or coffee pudding, or simply poured over ice cream. Penderyn do their own single malt whisky too, which has many fans.

Merlyn Welsh Cream Liqueur, £17.76; Penderyn single Malt Welsh Whisky, £36—both 70cl. For more, including tours, see welsh-whisky.co.uk. (Bailey’s Chocolat Luxe, £16.99 for 50cl)

LURGASHALL ENGLISH MEAD

Finally, although it isn’t technically a spirit, I can’t resist mentioning one of the great booze comebacks of recent times. Mead is among the oldest alcoholic drinks in the known universe, but for years it has had a big image problem—as if it belonged only to Merrie England. But now mead-based cocktails have hit London bars and it’s suddenly become fashionable, even (whisper it) hip.

According to Susanna Forbes, Lurgashall winery in West Sussex makes a fresh-style mead with real zip that, in winter, is best drunk with spices and orange. It also goes well with cheese. Lurgashall english Mead, £7.50 for 50cl. For more on other products, and on winery tastings, go to lurgashall.co.uk n

Particularly fond of a British spirit we haven’t mentioned here? If so, we’d love to hear about it. Send us an email—with a picture if possible— to theeditor@ readersdigest.co.uk.

N E x T MONTH: CLASSIC DISHES

by t eresa d umain

Does Your Body Do That? Why

The true stories and fun facts about some of your body’s oddest traits and quirks

Who said biology had to be boring?

You’ve probably heard a thousand times that the “pop” of cracking knuckles is actually an air bubble in your joint bursting (and that it won’t give you arthritis). You could easily Google the cause of “pins and needles” and get millions of hits in half a second. But some of our body’s delightfully weird quirks are a little more mysterious. Here, experts help answer some offbeat questions. ►

What’s with that stomachin-your-throat feeling on roller coasters?

Your insides are actually shifting! When a coaster comes over its crest, slows for a second for added torture, and then plummets downwards, the seat belt keeps your rear in place, but some loosely connected internal organs—like your stomach and intestines—get a little “air time”. You’re not damaging your innards by riding even the craziest of coasters (everything returns to its proper place), but your nerves detect the movement, which registers as though your stomach has jumped into your throat.

It

Remains a Mystery

How come women always seem colder than men?

The fairer sex has a higher percentage of body fat and conserves more heat around the core. That helps keep vital organs nice and toasty, but not the extremities—and when your hands and feet feel cold, so does the rest of your body. Plus, research suggests that women have a lower threshold for cold than men. When exposed to the same freezing temperature, the blood

Why do we have fingerprints?

Many experts think it’s to improve grip, but a study from a few years ago suggests otherwise. Researchers found that a fingerprint’s ridges actually made it harder to hold flat, smooth surfaces such as plastic, because they reduced plus Ev ER y O n E has a un I qu

the skin’s contact area. Instead, they think our prints might help draw off water from our fingertips or allow our skin to stretch more easily, which can protect it from damage and help prevent blisters. Other scientists have suggested

fingerprints could improve our sense of touch. What we do know for sure is that no two people’s fingerprints are the same—even among identical twins.

vessels in women’s fingers constrict more than men’s do, which is why they turn white more quickly.

Is “old-person smell” real?

Yes. But there’s also a distinctive middle-aged-person smell and a young-person smell, according to a recent study. The research found that older people have a less intense— and more pleasant—scent than middle-aged people and young whippersnappers.

Why does room-temperature coffee taste so bad?

The temperature affects flavour. Researchers in Belgium found that certain taste-bud receptors are most sensitive to food molecules that are at or just above room temperature. So hot coffee may seem less bitter (and, in turn, taste better) because our bitter-detecting taste buds aren’t as sensitive when coffee is hot. Odours influence flavour as well, so even the most bitter hot coffee may taste delicious because of its

One study found that women averaged a higher core temperature of 36.5C versus 36.3C for men, but colder hands—30.6C degrees versus 32.2C

pleasant aroma; room-temperature coffee doesn’t smell the same.

How come you wake up at night to pee but not to poo?

The neurons in your gut that control colon contractions, which push out waste, are also influenced by your body’s circadian rhythm—the internal clock that wakes you when it’s light outside and makes you sleepy at night. So most don’t have the urge to empty ►

Can achy joints really forecast the weather?

Maybe. a change in barometric readings may be part of the reason: atmospheric pressure often drops right before bad weather sets in; this shift could cause body tissue to expand, which

can lead to swelling and pain. the effect is slight, but people who have arthritic or inflamed joints may detect the difference.

temperature may have an impact too—in

2007, researchers at tufts university in Massachusetts found that every slight drop in temperature corresponded with a small increase in osteoarthritic knee pain.

► that’s suddenly stopped by the epiglottis—a flap of cartilage located in the throat behind the tongue. That’s what causes the hiccup sound.

their colon in the night. But the bladder, which acts a reservoir for the flow of urine produced in the kidneys, can stretch only up to a certain volume before you need the loo. Normally, you can sleep six to eight hours without having to urinate, but certain medical conditions or drinking too much water can wake you to use the toilet.

Why do I sometimes get a stitch when I run?

Your diaphragm gets stretched, pulled, and pounded during a run, which can cause that sharp, stabbing pain at the lower edge of your ribcage, usually on the right side of your body. To help the pain pass, slow down and take more controlled, easy breaths.

Why does holding your breath help with hiccups?

It’s thought that if you build up carbon dioxide in your body (by not exhaling), it’ll help stop your diaphragm from spasming, which is what causes the hiccups. When your diaphragm contracts involuntarily, it forces a quick intake of breath

Do feet really get bigger with age?

After years of wear and tear, tendons and ligaments in the feet may weaken. This can cause arches to flatten, which means feet get wider and longer. It won’t happen to everyone—people who are overweight, who get swollen feet or ankles, or who have certain medical conditions such as diabetes, are more prone to it. If it does happen, the average gain is about one shoe size by the age of 70 or 80.

What makes my stomach growl?

It can be the sound of your digestive juices churning and stomach muscles contracting as they prepare for food. To avoid those often poorly timed and embarrassing sounds, eat smaller meals more frequently.

Why does armpit sweat smell worse than sweat from other places?

Your body has two kinds of sweat glands. Most of those on your arms and legs secrete a mixture of water and salt. But the glands in your armpits (as well as your groin) release an oily substance, which bacteria love. It’s the bacteria eating the oil that release the telltale stench. n

With thanks to doctors andrew Ordon, Jim sears, Lisa Masterson, travis stork, pankaj pasricha, Maged Rizk and Leon Benson; and also Kathryn sandberg, paul Breslin phD, v patteson Lombardi phD and Cary Zinkin DpM

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Christmas Will Never Be the Same Again

by e llie rose the LOttery wInners

A year ago, we were in a rented twobed bungalow, struggling to pay the bills. By the time we’d covered our basic living costs—we have a four-year-old boy called Riley and an 18-month-old girl, Frankie—we’d have nothing left. I was working in my parents’ garden

For some, this festive season will crown an amazing, lifechanging year

centre, and my wife had been made redundant. She’s a beautician and was hoping to take a course in teaching trainees. But we just didn’t have the cash for it.

We were so stressed—rarely going out. For Christmas, we had to save up for presents for months, putting away little bits when we could. We managed a Quorn joint on Christmas day (we’re vegetarians) with some potatoes and Yorkshire puds. Nothing to drink. We just got the kids small things. My present from Laura was an Asda jumper and a deodorant.

Then in March, I bought a £1 scratchcard—rare for me—and won a fiver. ►

Lee and Laura Orchard, 30 and 26, Ind I an Queens, cO rnwa LL

I went to the Co-op for bread and milk and saw another that cost £5. So I invested my winnings in that. I scratched the foil off and found myself looking over the card again and again. I didn’t really know how they worked. It was a balance game that said if your numbers weigh more than theirs, or something, you win a prize. I went back to the Co-op, shaking, and asked them to check it. The woman said, “You have to contact Camelot. The prize is too big for us to confirm.” So I did.

Then I phoned Laura, and I said, “I won on a scratch card. £1,000.”

She said, “Really?”

I said, “No, not really. It’s a million.”

She went a bit quiet. “Oh, God. I’ve got to go,” she said, and hung up. I think she was in shock.

I couldn’t sleep or eat during the ten days it took them to check the win was legitimate. The house was the main thing for me. We’d had to move away from Indian Queens, where I grew up, to a cheaper village. I really wanted to move back to the place where all my memories were. When we bought a four-bed house there a couple of months ago, I cried. My son will be able to go to the same school as I did. That means a lot.

For his birthday, I bought him a new bike and some clothes. He was gobsmacked.

We’ve bought another property to rent out, and now we’re really looking forward to Christmas. We want to get a proper outdoor display of lights, with blow-up snowmen and all that—something the kids will enjoy. We’ll get a huge Christmas tree. Our new house is pretty big, so our families are coming over. We’ll have a turkey and drinks, and we can go out with our mates!

And Laura has started her teaching course! It’s lovely to see her doing what she wanted to do. She was always trying to better herself and finally it’s possible. Christmas is about hope and the future, and now we can look forward to our lives rather than being constantly anxious about them.

a new heart

Kev I n Mash FO rd, 37, Br I st OL

I was born with a rare heart condition called congenitally corrected transposition of the great arteries—ccTGA. A healthy person has one big strong ventricle that pumps blood to the whole body and a weaker one sending blood to the lungs. Mine were the wrong way round. As I grew up, my valves started to fail and I became increasingly blue and out of breath. The doctors didn’t know about my ventricles, but they did detect a hole in my heart. So when I was eight, they opened my chest to repair it. When they saw the state of my heart, they told my parents, “Get a priest. We don’t expect him to last the night.” So I had my last rites. I was in and out of a coma for three months. Liver failure, kidney failure— the list went on. Every day I wasn’t dead was a positive. I was in hospital for Christmas—Mr Wimpy came round to all the kids’ beds. I particularly remember another little boy there called Martin. He was an Everton supporter; I followed

“Every day I wasn’t dead was a positive”: Kevin with his wife Jo and sons Josh and Liam

◄ By January last year, they’d put me on a transplant list. My heart failure was so bad I often couldn’t walk a few yards without passing out. I couldn’t even teach Josh to ride his bike.

Liverpool. On Christmas morning he got loads of Everton stuff and I got lots of Liverpool stuff. We were both very sick but he seemed to get better and went home. Soon after, I was told he’d died. I said, “Is this what’s going to happen to me, Mum?”

Eventually, the doctors decided I’d be better off at home—on the premise that I wasn’t going to live long.

But I carried on and had something approaching a normal childhood. As a teenager, I began to suffer heart failure again and had my atrial valve and pulmonary vein replaced. But I was able to go to college, become a design project manager and, aged 28, get married to Jo.

Still, even on my honeymoon, I felt weak and tired. I had four pacemakers fitted in succession, suffered two mini strokes and conked out in my office once when my heart stopped.

I started my own firm so I could work flexible hours, and Jo and I had two children: Josh, now eight, and Liam, four. I tried to maintain a good standard of life for everyone, even when I was waking up feeling sick every morning. But I couldn’t do outdoorsy family stuff; things like Christmas were overshadowed by the risk of having to be rushed into hospital, and Jo or my relatives having to do most of the physical stuff and play with the kids. That was hard.

I was worried about not being around for my children. I had to explain to Josh that the call telling me a donor organ had been found could come any time and I’d be rushed to hospital, perhaps before I could say goodbye. A few days later, the phone rang and Josh said, “Is that the doctor with your new heart?” It choked me a bit. It was actually a PPI salesman.

“I’m looking forward to my first proper Chrıstmas dinner”

This February, I was admitted to hospital as my kidneys were failing. But on May 4, I woke up and told my nurse, spookily, that today was going to be the day a transplant match would be found. And it was—I was out of hospital within five weeks and, within a few months, feeling much better. By October, I was taking part in a 30-mile charity bike ride in memory of my donor. One thing I’m looking forward to this Christmas is my first proper Christmas dinner. I’d never really been able to eat a big meal before. If I ate pasta, I’d fall asleep. The kids already have their “list of things to do with Dad”. I’m so looking forward to that.

These days I spend a lot of time talking to kids with heart problems and their parents. I want to support others who’ve had a tough time.

the ex-drug addIct

Alcohol was always part of my life, since I was a kid. Then weed, speed cocaine, acid…it wasn’t that I was unhappy or a yob; I was happy as anything, and really into music—Bob Dylan and The Grateful Dead. But we were hippies and there was always a party.

From the age of about 12, Christmas would consist of opening some new clothes, drinking, then going out. I remember smoking weed on Christmas Day, at my family’s house. My mum knew I smoked, but swept it under the carpet.

As I got older, my habits became big problems. I was in and out of work, but I’d spend my wages on drink or drugs as fast as I got them. I had so many accidents; loads of bones were broken while partying. My friends started moving away.

case. I got drunk on port telling myself it was a normal “Christmas drink”.

In the end, I was asking my elderly mother to buy me things. That was the lowest of the low. I don’t remember how it felt, really; like many addicts, I’m good at detaching emotion from scenarios. I just remember her face. But it upset me enough to go into treatment this April. I did Action for Addiction’s 11-week course, got clean and, with their help, I’m starting to face life.

I don’t think I’d grown up properly until now. This Christmas, I’m going to be looking at life completely differently— as a man, not a child. I’ll be giving some thought to my festive jumper, you know? I split up with my girlfriend, but I’ll be having a nice day with my mum, my daughter and her kid. I can’t even have a sniff of booze and I wouldn’t.

In recent years, I was drinking by myself more and more. It’s pretty lonely. You realise you’re addicted, taking things against your will. You question your sanity. I had a girlfriend and a beautiful young daughter, yet all I wanted to do was sit on my own and booze and do drugs.

I used to try and get Christmas out of the way. I’d dread family occasions, because I wanted to get them all off my

I go to Cocaine Anonymous, so we’ll probably have a Christmas meeting. That’ll be a new thing. And The Brink, Liverpool’s alcohol-free bar, will be buzzing. Remember Cheers? That’s what it’s like—when you walk in, everybody says, “Hi!”. They have speakers, performers, raves and proper DJs.

Hopefully, I’ll get a job as an addicts outreach worker soon. Getting out of myself stops me thinking about me. Every single moment of your life has to be honesty—that’s how they tell you to stop being an addict. And it works. n

Sir David Jason ‘‘I remember...

…the feel of brick rubble under my feet. I was born in 1940 and growing up in Finchley, north London, during the war we got used to that being normal terrain. Our playground was a bombsite. We didn’t comprehend that people had once lived there, and almost certainly died there too. It was just where my friends and I went to hang out.

…my gang, the lodge laners. It was named after the road where we lived. We were very inventive with our “play” down at the bombsite. The wooden posts from the gate of the demolished house were still standing, and someone thought it would be fun to strap an inner tube across the posts to make a catapult. With military organisation and at great speed we proceeded to fire half-bricks at any advancing kids who dared to try and raid our site. How terrifying must that have been? We could have killed someone!

…a special moment with my mother olwen. I must have been about six. It was Christmas time and the fire was lit. My mum was in a mellow mood and took me into her arms and cuddled me on the settee. She sang a

few Christmas carols—Away in a Manger was one. My dad Arthur, a porter at Billingsgate fish market, and my brother, also Arthur, who is seven years older than me, weren’t there. So having Mum all to myself was a moment I remember savouring. If you can give your children little times like that, they learn what a mother’s love is. It was such a nice feeling.

…always running or skipping everywhere. My mum would say, “Pop down the Co-op and get a loaf of bread”, and I’d moan a bit and then dash off to the high street. It seemed miles away then but, when I went back as an adult, it was no distance at all.

…3492619. That was our dividend code that the Co-op would note whenever we shopped there—and at the end of each year shoppers got a small payout dependent on how much money they’d spent. Mum would always shout after me, “Don’t forget the divvy number!” I never have.

…my crystal radio set. off my friend next door. It was just a set of coils inside a box with a

The schoolboy Del Boy: David at 14

crystal. The “cat’s whisker” wire would touch the crystal and, lo and behold, like magic, we could listen to the radio. Arthur and I would lie alongside each other on my bed sharing the one set of earphones. He’d tried to kill me more than once, but he and I shared the wonder of that little device.

…the size of the mountains in wales. We used to go and stay with my Uncle Id, my mother’s brother, in the Valleys. I couldn’t believe how much open land there was—being in a place where the buildings had disappeared made me really happy and gave me a wonderful sense of freedom. Seeing and hearing the sea for the first time took my breath away—but then so did getting into it, as it was always freezing!

…being pretty useless at school until one particular gymnastics lesson. The teacher, Mr Joy, brought the ropes down and told us to climb. As a slight fellow, I was up like a greased monkey, and down before anyone else had started. From then on, Mr Joy would say, “Go on, show them how to do it.” For the first time I was the best at something and for a little kid who’d been largely ignored by the teachers, it was a big boost to my confidence.

…my horror when the head decided i’d make a good lead in the school play, Wayside War. I was 14 and acting was for sissies! But I got the afternoon off to go on the Tube into London and rent my costume, so that made it worthwhile. Of course,

Cavalier performance: all dressed up for his acting debut aged 14

I ended up enjoying the accolades that the play [set in the English Civil War] brought me, especially after it won at the local drama festival.

…the invitation that changed my life. After Wayside War, my friend Micky and I were approached and asked if we wanted to join the local amateur theatre group, Incognito. We were dismissive until we were told, “There are 20 girls and no boys.” As young lads, our imaginations and hormones went mad—we thought we’d be going out with all 20 as soon as they set eyes on us. Ha! But what did happen was that I discovered acting could be a joy and that to concentrate and improve at something was immensely rewarding.

…setting a pub on fire. After I left school, I worked as an electrician for a few years and continued acting with Incognito

“I became rather theatrical— ‘Look! I’m an actor! I wear a fur coat! This is what actors do!’ ”

in my spare time. One night, my partner and I were rewiring a pub for the builder Derek Hockley, later the inspiration for Del Boy. The pub had a disused dumb waiter and it seemed a good plan to run the wires up inside its lift shaft—so in I went. I was using a blowtorch and put it down on top of the dumb waiter. Years of dry dust and kitchen grease ignited and, before I knew what had happened, I was surrounded by flames. My partner hauled me out and we ran round like bluearsed flies looking for an extinguisher that eventually put the fire out. No one ever found out, so be sure to keep the secret.

…my first day as a professional actor. I was 25 and was to play the tiny role of a butler in [Noël Coward’s] South Sea Bubble. But it was in a proper theatre—the New Theatre in Bromley [south-east London]—and I’ll never forget arriving for the first day of rehearsals. That moment when I entered the foyer, pushed open the doors to the auditorium, walked down the central aisle towards the huge stage and met the rest of the cast was so exciting.

…my fur coat. It was the winter of 1966 and I was about to go on tour with Peter Pan up north. I knew that snow and

ice awaited me, so when I walked past this shop on Shaftesbury Avenue in the West End and saw the fur coat in the window, I had to have it. It was coney, which I imagined to be something very romantic. It turned out to be rabbit. But never mind. Once I put it on I couldn’t take it off. I became rather theatrical— “Look! I’m an actor! I wear a fur coat! This is what actors do!”

West End boy: in No Sex Please, We’re British, 1973

…seeing my name in lights in the west end. I played Brian Runnicles in No Sex Please, We’re British for 18 months, starting in 1973. Just before we opened, the company manager took me outside and told me I should take a photo for my memories. I was very touched by his thoughtfulness. It struck me—I’ve arrived! ►

…blowing raspberries for ronnie barker in 1976. The Two Ronnies had a serial called “The Phantom Raspberry Blower of Old London Town”. I’d worked with Ronnie in the past [in various sketch shows] and was very proud to be asked to provide the rasping sounds...profound stuff. Ronnie was a good friend and a gentleman. We were both also in Porridge and, of course, Open All Hours, and I learned so much from him. He had creativity and a way with words that made him a talent beyond all others.

In Open All Hours with Ronnie Barker: “a talent beyond all others”

supposed to be actors but you’re behaving like children.” If you watch closely in a few of the episodes, we can be seen cracking up in a most unprofessional manner.

…winning a best actor bafta in 1988 for playing skullion in Porterhouse blue. To have my journey from Wayside War to the Baftas acknowledged was amazing. Accolades for Only Fools and Horses were about the team, but this award was just for me and that felt really good.

…so many happy memories from my years as del boy. We used to laugh all the time when we were making Only Fools and Horses. One time Nick Lyndhurst and I kept falling about so much that we couldn’t shoot the scene. The director got exasperated with us, shouting, “Now come along! You’re

…putting on a lot of weight as pop larkin. I ate a great deal during The Darling Buds of May—in our rural idyll we lived in the land of plenty. One time I had to eat some fish. But it couldn’t be just a normal bit of fish, it had to be half a haddock that took up the whole plate. So I tucked in. When we had to shoot the scene again, the cry went out, “Another haddock!” and I had to eat that too. By the time we’d finished filming that scene I’d eaten at least four bloody haddocks. And that was quite healthy. Imagine how often we did that with bacon, eggs, chips, beans and toast. I ended up looking like Billy Bunter.

…bossing my brother around in a touch of frost. It was good to have Arthur [White, also David’s real surname] join the cast as the police archivist Ernie Trigg. I got to say things like, “Chop, chop, come

Peckham’s finest: with Lennard Pearce (right) and Nicholas Lyndhurst in Only Fools and Horses

“I loved that bit when you fell through the bar”: the Queen and soon-tobe Sir David in 2005

along, what are you doing?” As his younger brother, it felt like some retribution for his childhood attempts to kill me.

…getting married to gill and being knighted in the space of 24 hours at the end of 2005. That was pretty tremendous—although I was a bit disappointed that the Queen didn’t say, “Arise, Sir David”. That doesn’t

A knight out: David with his wife Gill Hinchcliffe in 2009

happen in real life. But I did kneel on the knighting stool which cleverly has a sort of stick attached that you can hold onto—very handy if getting up is a bit tricky. The whole thing is like a military operation. They’ve got everything covered over there at the Palace. ■ As told to Caroline Hutton

Sir David’s autobiography My Life is out now (£20).

Who’s a Filthy Boy, Then?

 Sarah Fisk, 34, from Bristol, was shocked when her newly adopted parrot told her to “f*** off” in a broad Welsh accent, followed by a string of colourful expletives and a squawked chorus of “I’m in the valleys!”

Basil the African Grey had been sold by his previous owners in Wales when he was just months old—enough time to pick up some bad habits. “He

settled in quickly and was obviously making himself at home,” claims Sarah. There was further trouble when Basil went missing and was handed into the RSPCA Bristol Clinic. “He kept calling the nurses tossers,” says manager Mandy Stone.

1

word story

There’s still plenty of time to enter our fourth annual 100-word story competition. Here, to fire your creativity, are three 100-word tales from well-known authors, written exclusively for Reader’s Digest. Find out how to enter opposite.

Brian Staveley

Penelope had intended to take the train only as far as Amherst. But beguiled by the car’s rock and sway, the window’s constant change, she stayed on board. day faded. summer’s green crisped to gold. some nights: sharp stars. others, just a vast cold. Not quite, she thought, at each easy and besteepled town through which she passed. Not quite. Emptied her wallet on six-dollar Heinekens. scavenged stale chips from brown and abandoned bags. thought about Amherst sometimes, but had forgotten the name, and anyway the engine, shackled to the implacable track, could not back up, just pull, pull, pull.

Sue Limb

■ sue Limb’s latest book Chocolate SOS is out now

Gemma Malley

I’ve sewed six extra cups on to my bra to impress Gavin tomorrow. I managed to eat my breakfast without using my hands. And I peed twice in the park, discreetly. Progress!

I’d never felt at ease in my skin. At first I thought maybe I needed gender reassignment. But once I’d bitten the postman, I realised I was a female labrador trapped in a librarian’s body. so it’s species reassignment for me. Gavin’s my counsellor and naturally I’m in love with him. will he ever throw me a stick? He smells divine. though not as good as a dead rat, obviously.

▪ Please send your stories— which should be original, unpublished and exactly 100 words—to 100wordstory@ readersdigest.co.uk by January 31, 2014.

the wrinkle was new: it drew attention, creating new lines of unhappiness as she frowned at her reflection, mourning the passing of time, the decay. In the wrinkle she saw sun-drenched holidays, party-fuelled late nights. she saw child-induced sleepless nights, worry, illness, homework and exams. she saw her career: solving problems, listening, leading, mentoring. she realised the wrinkle reflected her accomplishments; it was a symbol of her hard work and dedication, testament to her entire life.

“so, ready to zap it?”

she looked at the surgeon, at his syringe.

she looked back at the wrinkle and nodded firmly. “you betcha.”

▪ There are three categories— one for adults, and two for schools: one for children aged 12–18, and one for children under 12.

▪ In the adult category, the entry voted best by our panel of judges will receive £1,000, and two runners-up will each receive £100 in book tokens.

▪ In each of the school categories, the prize for the

■ Gemma Malley’s The System is out this month

winner is £500 of high-street vouchers of their choice, and £500 for their school; two runners-up will each receive a cheque for £75. Mark each entry “Adults”, “Schools 12–18 category” or “Schools under-12 category”. Winning entries will be published in a future issue.

When Anımals Act Like Humans

Monkey Business

at Yale university, economist keith chen gave capuchin monkeys some tokens to buy differently priced types of food (in the lab). once they’d grasped the basic idea, the monkeys not only showed a clear understanding of how to budget, but also responded to price changes in much the same way as we do: when something was cheaper, they bought more of it. ►

From practising yoga to driving a car— nine of our favourite stories of animals at their most personable Main photographs

by tiM Flach

Whale Meet Again

every winter michael Fishbach, co-director of the great Whale conservancy, travels to the gulf of california to study whales. in 2011, he and his team spent an hour freeing a humpback whale from a fishing net— and afterwards, in an hour-long display of thanks and gratitude at being alive, it swam near their boat, leaping into the air at least 40 times.

Paw to the Floor

in 2012, three New Zealand dogs navigated a specially modified mini cooper around a racetrack at about 20mph. (the gearstick and pedals were raised, and handles added to the steering wheel.) the event was put on by the auckland society for the Prevention of cruelty to animals to show off canine intelligence. after months of practice—and many, many treats—monty, Porter and ginny followed commands to go into gear, press the accelerator and steer with their paws. search for “dogs driving cars” onYoutube to see for yourself.

Fun with Pandas

is there anything more cute than a baby panda? in fact, just to make them even cuter, the cubs sometimes behave like human babies: they sleep in the same positions and they place great value on their own thumbs. (Pandas use theirs for holding the bamboo they munch on all day.)

Pandas are shy by nature, displaying such coy behaviour as covering their face with a paw or ducking their head when confronted by a stranger. but they’re also playful: according to one chinese website, pandas have been known to wander inside mountain homes and get into the pots and pans. and although they grow into solitary adults who roam alone and mate just once a year, they also like to snuggle. given the chance, they’ll even sleep side by side with domestic pets. Just like us!

Michael Fishbach

Eating Like a Horse

Horses have a far keener sense of smell than humans. When they wrinkle their noses and flare their nostrils, they’re activating their vomeronasal organ, which allows them to detect smells that we’re unable to. they also have taste buds on the back of their tongues and the roofs of their mouths—which, according to experts, might explain why they reject stale water and, like gourmets, move carefully around meadows, grazing on only the tastiest herbs and grasses.

Yogi Bear

santra, a female bear at Finland’s Ähtäri Zoo, entertained visitors with a 15-minute “yoga” routine following a nap. sitting upright, santra used her front paws to grab her right back paw, then her left, stretching her legs as if doing a one-legged split. Next, she demonstrated the open-leg seated balance pose to near perfection, pulling up both hind legs without toppling backwards. meta Penca, who happened to be at the zoo and snapped photos of santra’s performance, said the bear “looked focused and calm”.

Blind Dog for the Guide

after terfel, an eight-year-old labrador retriever in North Wales, developed cataracts last year, he began to bump into walls and furniture. soon, the once-energetic dog was spending most of his time in his bed, unable to find his way around. on a whim, terfel’s owner Judy godfrey-brown let a stray cat, whom she named Pwditat (pronounced Puddy-tat), into her home. the feline made a beeline for the blind dog and began using its paws and head to herd terfel into the garden. Now the unlikely friends sleep together, and Pwditat helps terfel find his way everywhere.

M eta penca /bnps

One Hump or Two?

the first time Joe dined with Nathan and charlotte anderson-dixon and their son reuben, he was uninvited. the four-year-old bactrian camel (the kind with two humps, and much rarer than the one-humped dromedary) stuck his head through their open kitchen window in ashbourne, derbyshire, and proceeded to empty the contents of a fruit bowl. Now the couple— who hire out reindeer, camels, goats and other creatures for tV shows, movies and photoshoots—set a place at their breakfast table for Joe, where he munches on cereal and his favourite: bananas on toast.

All Animals Think

animals have minds. they have brains and use them as we do: for experiencing the world, for thinking and feeling, and for solving the problems of life. they have personalities, moods and emotions; they laugh and play. some show grief and empathy and are self-aware and very likely conscious of their actions and intentions.

Not so long ago, i would have hedged these statements, because of the prevailing notion that animals are more like zombies or robotic machines, capable of responding with only simple, reflexive behaviours.

by v irginia Morell

and indeed there are still researchers who insist that animals move through life like the half-dead. but those scientists have been left behind as a flood of new research from biologists, animal behaviourists, evolutionary and ecological biologists, comparative psychologists and others sweeps away old ideas that have stymied the exploration of animal minds. the question now is not “do animals think?” it’s “How and what do they think?”

From Animal Wise: the Thoughts and Emotions of Animals (£12.99)

My Mate, Marmot

a colony of marmots in the austrian alps has embraced matteo Walch, an innsbruck schoolboy whose family go on holiday there in the summer. alpine marmots are a particularly large species, sometimes reaching 15lb. typically, they react to strangers by beating their tails, chattering and whistling to warn other marmots of danger. With matteo, they behave very differently—allowing him to feed, pet and even touch noses with them. matteo’s mother michaela has taken photographs of her son’s interaction with the marmots since 2008, when he was four. “Watching them makes me feel a connection with nature,” he says. n

Tim Flach’s panda, horse and monkey pictures also appear in his book More Than Human (£40). Images courtesy of Abrams Books, abramsbooks.com

My Sainted Mother

Plenty of people might think that their mum should be canonised— Pierluigi Molla actually saw it happen

They mean business in the financial district of Milan: it’s all sharp suits and serious grooming in the streets and sleek minimalism in the immaculate offices. In the boardroom of Epyon Consulting, vice-president Pierluigi Molla blends perfectly into his surroundings. He’s polite, urbane and has that understated sophistication which comes with being powerful and well-connected.

But 57-year-old Pierluigi has an astonishing secret that couldn’t be further removed from the world of high finance. His mother is a saint.

When Saint Gianna Beretta Molla was canonised by Pope John Paul II

GIanna and Pierluigi in 1957; and (right) Pierluigi today

by joanna moorhead

PhotograPhed by guglielmo de’ micheli

in St Peter’s Square in Rome on May 16, 2004, the huge crowd included Pierluigi, then 47, and two of his sisters. It was the first time in the history of the Catholic church that a saint’s children had been present to see their parent canonised. So what does it feel like to have a mum represented in statues and to know that people across the world are praying to her for help?

The truth, says Pierluigi, is that it’s very strange. Not least because Gianna, although Catholic, wasn’t overtly holy, always at church or at prayer. The woman he remembers was a dedicated doctor and, while she was a working mother when that was unusual, in most respects “she had

a very normal life. She loved climbing and skiing and walking, and we had lots of happy family outings to the Alps.”

Then, in 1961, she became pregnant with her fourth child. However, the pregnancy didn’t go well and tests revealed that there was a large tumour in her uterus. The safest option would have been a hysterectomy. The baby would die, but the procedure wouldn’t contravene church teaching, as the death would be an unintended consequence of lifesaving treatment.

But Gianna wanted her baby to survive, so she opted for a riskier route—surgical removal of the tumour. The operation seemed to go well; but a week after giving birth to a healthy daughter—also called Gianna—on April 21, 1962, she fell ill again and died. She was 39.

Gianna’s death, leaving a newborn baby, five-year-old Pierluigi and his younger sisters Laura and Mariolina, in the care of their father Pietro, touched many in Milan. Her funeral was packed. But her story might have ended there had the city administrators not awarded her a posthumous medal for her work as a doctor—bringing her to the attention of the Catholic authorities.

“Before long the archbishop was asking my father if he could investigate her case,” says Pierluigi. At the time, the Catholic Church was trying to modernise and realised that it needed to celebrate its ordinary people, not just priests and nuns.

courtesy of the shrine of our lady of guadelou P e, la crosse, W isconsin , usa

Gianna with her daughter Laura; and (right) a mural at a church in Wisconsin

“In most respects she had a very normal life”

Gianna was exactly the sort of new saint the Church could do with.

Becoming a saint traditionally takes centuries. In Gianna’s case, the Vatican machine was speeded up. The backdrop to Pierluigi’s childhood was a fervent campaign by local churches and others to get his mother canonised. It was, he recalls, oddly incongruous with teenage life. “I was a typical young guy, into motorbikes and beer, and all around me these meetings and church services about my mother were going on.”

Before Gianna’s sainthood could be confirmed, two miracles had to be attributed to her. The first centred on a young Brazilian woman in 1977 who was expected to die after giving birth to a stillborn child, but a nun prayed to Gianna and the young woman survived. By 1994, the Church had proclaimed Gianna “Blessed”, an initial step towards canonisation. Then in 2000 came a second miracle. Another Brazilian, Elisabeth Arcolino, who’d been told her fourth baby wouldn’t survive, delivered a healthy daughter after she asked Gianna for help.

The Vatican was satisfied and after ►

Pietro, then in his nineties, wrote to the Pope imploring him to canonise Gianna while he was still alive to see it, the May 2004 date was set.

Gianna had already been widely revered in the Catholic Church but since her canonisation, her popularity has really taken off. Mothers now pray to her for safe pregnancies, numerous children have been named after her and you can buy silver pendants engraved with her image. Two US churches are called St Gianna Beretta Molla.

Pierluigi says it’s wonderful that so many people admire his mother. “It’s very strange to think that the churches are going to exist for ever, long after we’re gone, and that she will be remembered,” he adds.

But it’s difficult that “ownership” of her has moved from the family to a worldwide Catholic community. “For example,” he says, “we have had to give most of her possessions to the Church. Because she’s now a saint, they’re classed as relics.”

“People have no idea that a saint could have children”: Gianna with Pierluigi (left) and Mariolina

A shrine in Warminster, Philadelphia, features a statue of Gianna, a large photo of her holding Mariolina (who died in childhood) and a case containing several items of her clothing. The Society of Saint Gianna, which curates the shrine, tours churches encouraging congregations to touch the relics with their rosaries or crucifixes and call on Gianna to intercede for their families.

She has also been adopted as a role model by some parts of the pro-life movement. But, says Pierluigi, that’s not something the family has encouraged.

“In some countries, especially the US, these people are really aggressive, and we worry about that.

“In all honesty, I think her decision [to have the tumour surgery] was less to do with her faith, and more to do with being a mother. She wasn’t dogmatic or pious; she was just very child-orientated, and really hoped for a big family.”

Pierluigi doesn’t always tell people about his mother’s remarkable status, because they often think he’s mad. He suspects that some of them only realise

he’s telling the truth when they go home and look him up on the internet.

“The fact is, this is a unique story— apart from my sisters, there’s no one else in the world who can say their mother is a saint,” he says. “But we definitely don’t want to give the sense that we are some sort of special, holy people, because we’re not. We’re an ordinary family and we didn’t ask for this or make it happen.”

Pierluigi spends many hours a week dealing with the huge number of emails and letters from Catholics who want to know more about his mum. “The problem is that I’m a busy businessman and it’s difficult to keep up with it all. Sainthood has brought a lot of work with it, and it’s not our job really to do that work. I don’t think the Church realised when it canonised my mother that, unlike most saints of the church, she didn’t have a religious order behind her to organise the huge industry that goes with it.”

Pierluigi’s daughter Ortensia, 23, is Gianna’s only grandchild. “People are always astonished when I say she was my grandmother,” she explains. “They had no idea that saints could have children and grandchildren. They say, ‘I can’t believe you’re such a normal person, when your granny is a saint!’ ”

Pierluigi and his sisters sometimes give talks—he does one every month or two—about his mother and her life:

“We never promote her. All we do is react to the interest in her that comes to us. Though it’s a lot of work, it feels a privilege to be able to speak to people about her 50 years after her death. And they are so receptive to her story.”

But for him, his mother will always be much more than a religious icon or plaster statue. She’s a real person whose voice he can still hear and whose hugs he can still feel, despite the fact that she died when he was five: “You can never replace a mother, and her being a saint doesn’t begin to change the fact that my sisters and I grew up without that person whose presence would have meant so much to us.”

He’ll never forget the last time he saw her, as she left to go to hospital. “She hugged us all for a long time before she went out of the door,” he recalls, with tears in his eyes. “She knew there was a big hurdle ahead. She knew she might not be coming back to us. And she knew leaving us would be an incredibly hard thing to do.”

As a boy, he didn’t understand her decision. “We had been so happy, and my life was never the same again after she died. But when my daughter was born, I felt for the first time the love you have as a parent. I knew at last why my mother took the path she did.” n

 Tube drivers on the London Underground usually stick to simple announcements, but sometimes they go off piste—as documented at sheloveslondon.com:

“Ladies and gentlemen, do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there’s a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

‘‘ THis is THE BEsT young gEnEraTion EvEr”

Fame-hungry, moneyobsessed and lacking moral fibre? No, today’s youth are thoughtful, innovative and kind, says historian

Dominic Sandbrook

Young people almost never get a good press these days. If our kids aren’t punching each other senseless on a Saturday night, they’re taking pornographic snapshots of themselves and sending them to their friends. They study Mickey Mouse subjects, leave school with fewer skills than when they started and inevitably progress to a life on the scrap heap.

“Their outlook is centred on trashy books and films,” lamented one senior citizen in a letter I recently came across in the Daily Mail. “The boys are…defiant and uncouth, while the girls are brazen and unrefined. A rigorous period of military training might make men and women of them.”

As it happens, that letter was published in October 1949. It’s a useful reminder that people have been bemoaning the state of Britain’s youth since time THinking

►

clifford harper

immemorial. The sensible conclusion is that our youngsters are probably no worse than they’ve ever been. But I’d go further—I think they’re better. Teenagers today are brighter, more energetic, more outgoing, more tolerant and more interesting than any previous generation.

◄ Indeed, the more you look at Britain’s youngsters, the more impressive they seem. They are, of course, more technologically knowledgeable and adept than any generation before them. But the interesting thing is that they’re not merely consumers; they’re creators. Think of all those youngsters developing their own websites, gadgets or apps rather than waiting for a big firm to come up with something, as previous generations might have.

The truth is, we hear plenty about youths starting riots or selling themselves to Simon Cowell, but we never hear about the majority. The 426,993 youngsters, for instance, who are active members of the Scout Association, or all those British teenagers who give an estimated £100m a year to charity.

iT’s MucH EasiEr for TEEnagErs now To BE Black or gay THan aT any TiME in our MoDErn HisTory

Surely they all want to be footballers or glamour models? Not a bit of it. When research company BritainThinks examined teenagers’ attitudes earlier this year, they found that the most popular goal (shared by some 70 per cent) was to “have a job you love”, followed by having a university degree, owning your own home, being free of debt and being in a happy, long-term relationship.

That sounds more like being in The Good Life than One Direction. But it tallies with another study by the Institute for Economic and Social Research, which found that what made teenagers happiest wasn’t a new smartphone or pair of shoes, but “the simple things in life”, such as close friends, going swimming and spending time with their parents. We may think of young people as slaves to fashion, but what they really like is a good gossip.

Seventeen-year-old Nick D’Aloisio is an example. He invented a news-summary app called Summly and sold it to Yahoo this year for a reported £18m. The company offered him a job in California, but, true to the form of his level-headed peer group, he turned it down. “I’ll be staying in London,” he explained. “I want to finish my A levels and I couldn’t really live on my own out there.”

The last group of youngsters to experience such a period of technological and cultural upheaval was probably the babyboom generation who came of age during the 1960s. But the contrasts are glaring. While many Sixties youngsters gravitated to the extreme left or associated themselves with outlandish causes, today’s teenagers are more likely to espouse a combination of idealism and pragmatism. Many, for example, are committed to conservation and fighting climate change; yet unlike in the Sixties and Seventies,

* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest) or Fremantle Media International, its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

militant eco-extremism is conspicuous by its absence.

Of course, militancy isn’t always wrong. But too many earlier activists worshipped militancy for its own sake, claiming that the end would justify the means. But today’s young campaigners are more sensible: they might oppose child poverty, but they’re usually more interested in reforming the system than smashing it.

Do you reckon the youth of today get a raw deal? Join the debate at facebook.com/ readersdigestuk or email readersletters@ readersdigest. co.uk

They’re less likely to be tribal; indeed, having grown up in a world awash with information, they’re more inclined to think for themselves than their parents. Young people are often accused of being uninterested in politics; in fact, they’re understandably alienated by blind partisanship, rejecting the idea of slavish affiliation to any one party on every issue. And they have their say in other ways; as their Twitter accounts often show, they’re nothing if not opinionated. They’re sceptical of authority, but as

occasions like the Olympics and the Queen’s Jubilee have shown, they’re just as patriotic and public-spirited as the rest of us. And they’re a lot more open-minded, being largely free from the prejudices that I remember from my school days in the 1980s. I suspect it’s much easier for teenagers now to be black or gay —or just different—than at any time in our modern history.

Of course they aren’t perfect, and every generation has its fair share of bad apples. But I think our future is in safe hands. In fact, I sometimes wonder whether we shouldn’t just give them the keys now and have done with it. After all, we’ve hardly done a wonderful job of running Britain, have we?

Dominic Sandbrook is a historian of 20th-century Britain. His most recent book is Seasons in the Sun: the Battle for Britain, 1974–1979 (£10.99).

Win The World At War on DVD!

Narrated by Laurence Olivier and considered one of the greatest documentaries ever, The World at War (Fremantle Media International) marks its 40th anniversary this year with the digitally remastered DVD and Blu-ray box sets, now available to buy. But we’ve got copies to give away! If you want the chance to bag one, simply answer the following question: In what year did the Battle of Britain start?

Email your answer to excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk by December 15. The first correct entry we pick will receive a DVD and Blu-ray box set and a Blu-ray player, and four runners-up will receive DVD and Blu-ray box sets.

When unfair quotas threatened his way of life, fisherman Paul Joy inspired a centuries-old industry to fight back

fISHer of Men

BY GILLY SMITH pHoToGrapHed

BY cHrIS GeorGe

It’s an autumn afternoon at the Stade, the Saxon-named landing beach in Hastings, where a line of small fishing boats sits prettily, if rather shabbily, against the steel grey of the English Channel. The old net sheds are locked and the seafood stalls are empty; a solitary fisherman making his way back from a pint at the anglers’ club is the only evidence of the industry of the early morning. That and the bulging plates of cod and chips ►

“My family has been fishing here sustainably for 1,000 years”: Small-boat fisherman and campaigner Paul Joy

at Maggie’s, a ramshackle cafe packed with locals, described by Time Out as “the best fish and chips in Hastings, perhaps the world”.

Only one fisherman is still hard at work. Paul Joy, 64, is on the phone to Greenpeace in the office of the Fishermen’s Protection Society, high above the scrubbed and sterilised fish market. Dressed in overalls, with skin leathered by 40 years of salty air, Paul is an unlikely activist. But for almost two decades he, perhaps more than anyone else, has been instrumental in preserving the livelihoods of some 4,500 small-boat fishermen.

Paul’s family have been fishing off Hastings since the Norman Conquest, but in recent years it’s a tradition that’s been seriously under threat. Small craft like his make up 77 per cent of the UK’s fishing fleet and provide two-thirds of its full-time employment. Yet when fishing quotas were divided by the government in 1996—to halt the over-fishing of certain species, such as cod—the big fleets with their boats of ten metres and above were allocated 96 per cent of the allowable British catch (more than they really needed), while smaller boats were left to divvy up the remainder.

Paul and his colleagues were horrified by the new legislation. In an early taste of the fight to come, they protested by dragging one of their prettily painted vessels across the A259, daubed with a rather bald message to local MP Jacqui Lait, who’d failed to deliver on her promise of legislation to protect small fishermen’s rights.

“She didn’t come out too well,” grins Paul. Lait lost her seat by 6,000 votes at the 1997 general election.

Hastings, home to Britain’s largest smallboat fleet, was left to flail like a netted plaice

The new legislation stayed in place and, for a while at least, the fishermen of Hastings managed to muddle through. “There were no specific quotas for the small boats, so the government officers would look at your 2,000 kilos and write down 200 kilos,” says Paul. “Everyone was happy.”

But soon word got round that the Government was planning to tighten up procedures with new legislation. Over the next few years, the producer organisations (POs), who represented the larger

boats, fought to keep the status quo. But the small boats felt exposed and uncertain. If they could only catch a fraction of what was currently possible, their livelihoods would be untenable.

£2,000, plus £2,000 in costs. But he received messages of support from fishermen around the country and the seeds of some kind of serious resistance to the way small boats were being treated were sown.

In 2006, the Register of Buyers and Sellers was finally introduced, putting an end to the casual recording. Hastings —home to Britain’s largest small-boat fleet and with fishing as part of its social and economic fabric—was left to flail like a netted plaice. Fishermen either

Someone needed to take a stand—and Paul decided he was the man for the job. Being caught blatantly over-fishing would mean almost certain prosecution, but it would also highlight the vulnerability of the small fishermen and the need to join forces. So in the summer of 2002, Paul did just that. He was fined ►

had to keep to quotas that barely allowed them to earn a minimum wage, or buy unused quotas from the larger fleets at rates that left them with little extra income. While the bigger boats had the POs to protect their corner with

who hosts conservation body the Marine Stewardship Council at Clarence House. He’s also sat on committees such as the Fisheries Local Action Group (FLAG), a government-funded programme that creates jobs linked to fishing and

politicians and government bodies, Paul and his colleagues had no voice at all.

“We weren’t even in the room when decisions were made,” he says.

Paul realised, however, that the quota system had arguably created a cartel run by the POs—illegal under European law. So, with “a few other like-minded people around the country”, he created the New Under Ten Fishermen’s Association (NUTFA) in 2007.

Since then, after hauling in his nets and chugging back from the sea each morning, Paul has found himself studying law for court cases, attending meetings with ministers in Parliament, taking part in delegations to the EU and even having discussions with Prince Charles,

‘‘If we’re throwing dead but edible fish back into the sea, this needs to be addressed”

its heritage. Back in Hastings, Paul helped set up Classroom on the Coast, a community cookery school designed to boost tourism and knowledge of the fishing industry.

While most men of his age might think about retiring, Paul is clear where his call to battle comes from. “My family has been fishing here sustainably for 1,000 years. But if I want to catch cod in this area, I have to rent it off someone in the Shetland Isles or the Outer Hebrides because he’s part of the cartel of big boys.”

He’s also been inspired by the many colleagues whose lives have been destroyed by the quota system.

“There have been some nervous breakdowns,” he says. “There are people who

have gone out of business; others who went bankrupt.”

Paul has suffered financially too, often not going to sea for weeks on end to keep within his quota. “You [survive] by drawing on the savings you’ve made over 43 years of fishing. You’ve got to rent or buy a boat, then you’ve got to get all your certificates. Then you have to go out there in all weathers…and then you have to throw away some of your catch because you’re not allowed to keep more than 40 kilos under the current rules.”

But Paul’s commitment to his cause and sustainable fishing has seen NUTFA gain a valuable but unexpected ally. “We spent two years working out how to get on with Green peace,” he laughs. “We saw them as activists and loonies, and they saw us as murderers and pillagers of the sea. We all had to understand that we had a common goal.”

In 2009, the new allies were able to persuade Richard Benyon, then shadow minister for fish eries, that their cause was a “no brainer”.

Spreading the word: Paul meets the Prince

there are no fish stocks, it’s because the quota is held by people who can’t catch it themselves.”

But while he’d clearly made inroads into persuading politicians to support his cause, Paul suffered a setback in the summer of 2011. He was boarded by Marine Management Organisation officers demanding to check his catch.

“I hadn’t been to sea for a month and I saved my one catch for one day,” he explains, still smarting from the memory. “I only had two and a half boxes for a month’s fishing, but the officials told me to take it to the market and weigh it. It came out as 80 kilos. They rang their boss, and he said, ‘Caution him and we’ll summons him.’

“If we’re throwing dead but edible fish back in the sea to keep within our quota, while we’re importing them from Norway and Iceland for our shops, this needs to be addressed. It’s not because

Over the next 11 months, they boarded me ten more times trying to find an offence to make the case stronger, even putting a helicopter up to check whether I was dumping my extra fish.”

Two days before Christmas last year, he was taken to court and fined. “I had to pay £5,000. If you’re vocal, you get shot at.”

The conviction means Paul is no longer allowed to sit on FLAG and other committees. But ultimately it came too late to derail his mission, and he recently scored his most significant victory. In spring last year, Richard Benyon—now

◄ hulls and shower squealing passers-by with water.

fisheries minister—decided to reallocate some £1m of the bigger boats’ quota to the smaller craft. The Association of Fish Producer Organisations challenged the decision, but this July the High Court ruled against them. The decision about how uncaught quotas will be redistributed won’t be announced until next month, but Paul is upbeat. “The system is unfair. That’s the bottom line,” he says.

On the new FLAG-funded beach front that links Hastings pier with the fishing beach, seagulls squabble over a plate of discarded fish and chips, and model smugglers shout warnings from wooden

But the fight for the town’s tradition isn’t over yet. Paul will continue to keep a foot in the Government’s door until new quotas are announced next month. Until then, his bright blue eyes shine with the knowledge that before he finally hangs up his waders, the fate of the small boats may be in safer hands. Not that he’ll never drop his guard. Indeed, he can’t afford to—Richard Benyon lost his job in a recent government reshuffle.

“There’ll always be another minister,” he says suspiciously, “and it’s my job to keep them on track.” n

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It’s an emotion we all feel—yet we’re

supposed to live without it. Using her own tattoo as an example, Kathryn Schulz defies the received wisdom as she argues that we should...

In 1990, Johnny Depp got engaged to Winona Ryder and had the words “Winona Forever” tattooed on his right shoulder. Three years later, they broke up and Johnny got a bit of repair work done. Now his shoulder says, “Wino Forever”.

never regret regret

Like Johnny Depp, I have a tattoo—although mine is of a compass. I first started thinking about it in my mid-twenties, but decided to wait. We all know people who got tattoos when they were 17, or 19, or 23, and regretted it by the time they were 30. In the event, that didn’t happen to me: I got my tattoo when I was 29 and regretted it instantly.

And by “regretted it”, I mean I stepped out of illustrated by eva bee

►

the tattoo place and had a massive emotional meltdown. Then I went home and had an even bigger one.

This was shocking to me because, prior to that moment, I’d prided myself on having absolutely no regrets. I’d made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions, but I’d always felt I made the best choice I could, given who I was then and the information I had to hand. I also learned a lesson. These mistakes somehow got me to where I am now. And I wouldn’t change it. In other words, lamenting what happened in the past is a complete waste of time; we should always look forwards, not backwards, and strive to live a life free of regrets.

The idea I had then is nicely captured by these words: “Things without all remedy should be without regard; what’s done is done.” It seems an admirable philosophy at first—something we might all agree to sign up to—until you know who said it. It’s Lady Macbeth telling her husband to stop being such a wuss for feeling bad about murdering people. And, as it happens, Shakespeare was onto something—the inability to experience regret is one of the diagnostic characteristics of sociopaths. These days, by contrast, I think that if you want to be fully functional, fully human and fully humane, you need to learn to live, not without regret, but with it.

Regret is the emotion we experience when we think that our present situation could be better or happier if we’d done something different in the past. So let’s say you’re on your way to your best

friend’s wedding and you’re trying to get to the airport and you’re stuck in traffic and you finally arrive at your gate and you’ve missed your flight. You’re going to experience more regret if you missed it by three minutes than if you missed it by an hour. It’s painfully easy to imagine you could have made different decisions that would have led to a better outcome. We tend to feel a greater degree of regret when we think we’re responsible for a decision that came out badly, but almost came out well.

There’s a vast body of literature on consumer and financial decisions and the regrets associated with them— buyer’s remorse, basically. But then it occurred to some researchers to step back and say, “Well, OK, but overall what do we regret most in life?” Here’s what the answers look like.

Number one by far, is education: 33 per cent of all our regrets pertain to decisions we made about it. We wish we’d got more of it, or taken better advantage of the education we did have. We wish we’d chosen to study different subjects. Other things very high on the list include career, romance, parenting and how we spend our leisure time—or, more specifically, how we fail to spend it.

Our financial decisions account for less than three per cent of our total regrets. So if you’re sitting there stressing about which new car you should buy, let it go. The odds are, you’re not going to care in five years.

But when we do experience genuine

Kathryn Schulz and the tattoo that taught her a lesson in life

Lamenting what happened in the past is a waste of time. We should look forwards

regret, what does that feel like? It feels terrible. Regret feels awful. But it turns out that regret feels awful in four very specific and consistent ways.

The first is denial. When I went home that night after getting my tattoo, I stayed up all night. And for the first several hours, there was one thought in my head: Make it go away! This is a primitive emotional response, right up there with, “I want my mummy!” We’re not trying to solve the problem. We’re not trying to understand how the problem came about. We just want it to vanish.

The second characteristic is a sense of bewilderment. So the next thought in

my bedroom that night was, What on earth possessed me to do that? There’s a real sense of alienation from the part of us that made a decision we regret. We can’t identify with that part. We don’t understand it. And we certainly don’t have any empathy for it—which explains the third component of regret: an intense desire to punish ourselves. In the face of our regret, one sentence we consistently use is: “I could have kicked myself.”

The fourth component is what psychologists call perseveration. To perseverate means to focus obsessively on the same thing. The effect is essentially to take the first three components and put them on an infinite loop. So it’s not that I sat in my bedroom thinking, Make it go away! It’s that I sat there and I thought, Make it go away! Make it go away! Make it go away! Make it go away!

But perhaps there’s also a fifth component: a kind of existential wake-up call. That night, I lay in bed for a long time and I thought about skin grafts. And then I thought about how my health insurance didn’t cover acts of idiocy. No insurance covers acts of idiocy. The whole point of acts of idiocy is that they leave you totally uninsured; they leave you exposed to the world and exposed to your own vulnerability and ►

fallibility in face of an indifferent universe.

The intensity and persistence with which we experience these components of regret is obviously going to vary depending on what we’re feeling regretful about. One of my favourite generators of regret in modern life is: “Reply to all”. And the amazing fact is that even with just this one (really insidious) technological innovation we can experience a huge range of regret. You can accidentally hit “Reply to all” with an email and torpedo a relationship. Or you can just have an incredibly embarrassing day at work. Or you can have your last day at work.

The point isn’t to live without any regrets. It’s to not hate ourselves for having them

Sometimes we do make decisions that have terrible consequences, either for our own or for other people’s health and happiness and livelihoods—and in the very worst case scenario, even their lives. So how are we supposed to live with this? There are three things that help us to make our peace with regret.

The first is to take some comfort in its universality. If you Google “regret” and “tattoo”, you get more than 20 million hits. It’s estimated that around 17 per cent of people who get them wish they hadn’t. And that’s just regret about tattoos.

The second way is to laugh at ourselves. In my case, this wasn’t a problem,

because it’s actually very easy to laugh at yourself when you’re 29 and you want your mummy because you don’t like your new tattoo. All of us who’ve experienced regret that contains pain and grief understand that humour, even black humour, plays a crucial role in helping us survive. It connects the poles of our lives back together and sends a little current of life back into us.

Finally, there’s the passage of time, which, as we know, heals all wounds— except for tattoos, which are permanent. It’s now been several years since I got my tattoo and it’s actually not that hideous. When other people see it, they mostly like it. It’s just that I don’t.

Some of your own regrets are also not as ugly as you think they are. I got this

tattoo because I spent most of my twenties travelling. I didn’t want to forget how important it felt to keep exploring and, simultaneously, how important it is to somehow keep an eye on your own true north. And what I loved about the compass was that I felt like it encapsulated both of these ideas in one simple image. And I thought it might serve as a kind of permanent mnemonic device.

Well, it did. But it reminds me of the most important lesson regret can teach us. If we have goals and dreams, and we want to do our best, and if we love people and we don’t want to hurt them or

lose them, we should feel pain when stuff goes wrong. The point isn’t to live without any regrets—the point is to not hate ourselves for having them.

The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo is this: we need to learn to love the flawed, imperfect things we create and to forgive ourselves for creating them. Regret doesn’t remind us that we did badly. It reminds us that we know we can do better. n

Kathryn Schulz is a writer and journalist. This is an edited version of a TED talk she gave in New York (ted.com).

Recruiting Just the Right Person…

 It’s never too late to start a new career, but be sure to hone your interview skills—unlike these candidates, recounted at CareerBuilder.com:

The candidate wore a hat that read, “Take this job and shove it.”

One interviewee said he’d accept the job if he could bring his pet monkey to the workplace.

A candidate answered his mobile phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office, because it was a “private conversation”.

The applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

One candidate hugged the hiring manager at the end of the interview.

Another job hunter told the interviewer he wouldn’t be able to stay with the job long because he thought he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and his uncle “wasn’t looking too good”.

The applicant asked if the interviewer wanted to meet for a drink.

An interviewee blew his nose and lined up the used tissues on the table.

How to… by linda gray

EvEryonE should know 1,001 Things

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

How to flirt

Forget hair-flicking and smouldering looks—laughter is the secret of successful flirting, according to research at Stirling University, because we find funny people more attractive. The humour has to be spontaneous (so cheesy chat-up lines won’t work), but if repartee’s not your strong point, it’s good to know that laughing in response counts too.

Be warned that what works in Britain doesn’t always translate. “Parisians take flirting seriously—there, it’s a philosophical debate,” says social anthropologist Jean Smith, who studied

flirting in four cities for her book The Flirt Interpreter (£12.99). She’s come up with six tips for cross-cultural flirting, which are... Catch their eye “Seventyfive per cent of the people I surveyed said this was most important,” says Smith. Making eye contact three times should get you started, then hold their gaze for longer. smile widely An openmouth smile is playful and engaging, inviting a positive response, say psychologists. stand square Avoid twisting your body or pointing your feet away from your partner. They’re signs that you’re desperate to leave. Touch their hand It’s way more intimate than brushing their arm. Move closer Lean into their personal space (less than 18 inches away). If they don’t back off, it should be safe to step forward. Make them feel special They need to feel they’re the only person in the world, so scanning the room is out. “Give them your full attention,” says Smith. “It’s what flirting is all about.”

How to give wine longer life

Faced with a half-empty bottle of wine, do you a) put it in the fridge or b) finish it off? Or how about c) use a winestorage gizmo that keeps it drinkable for days, if not weeks?

The simplest are vacuum pumps that remove the air that ruins opened wine.

1. The vacuvin (£13, John Lewis) clicks when it’s time to stop pumping, important because overdoing it can spoil the flavour. The drawback with this method is that wine only keeps for around three days before it goes off—just a day longer than in the fridge.

Next up are gas canisters.

2. Private Preserve (£16, Amazon) sprays a mix of inert gases into the bottle to displace the oxygen. Most tests reckon it keeps wine fresh for two weeks or more, once you’ve mastered the number of squirts required. 3. winesave (£20, winesave.com) uses the same technology but only argon gas (the heaviest). It gets the thumbs-up from wine critic Jancis Robinson, who found it preserved even delicate wine for a week, so expect longer than that for everyday booze.

Should Santa fail to put a wine preserver in your stocking, there’s an alternative. The easiest way to stop wine deteriorating is to decant it into a smaller bottle, which removes excess oxygen.

If you consistently fail to polish off 75cl, buy half bottles (see halfwine. com), especially if you sip dry sherry or vintage port. Despite the belief that they keep for months, they last no longer than wine once opened. Or stick to prosecco, cava or champagne. According to US chemist Richard Zare, simply keeping the opened bottle cold is enough to keep sparkling wine fizzing.

How to get on witH your neigHbours

Good neighbours deter burglars, sign for deliveries and keep an eye on the elderly, so it’s worth making the effort. Start by keeping the sound down— noise from children, dogs, washing machines and sex is most likely to trigger

If you’re looking to save, meet coupon queen Judith Wenban. An advocate of “extreme couponing”, she spends just £50 a month on groceries for a family of four and paid off her mortgage at 35. Try economising by following these rules.

a neighbour dispute, followed by rows about boundaries and parking. But often the issue might not be what neighbours do but the sort of people they’re thought to be.

So says Professor Elizabeth Stokoe of

How to be voucHer savvy

Loughborough University, who analyses what we say in such spats (see CARM Down at lboro.ac.uk). She found that complainers can appear to be tolerant, but they sometimes add telling comments like, “Next door’s cooking smells funny,” or,

access special offers, check store magazines for coupons and consult a voucher app.

1. do the sums. If you have a smartphone, download a price-comparison app so you can check as you shop. And you don’t need to be good at maths to work out that £4 off £30 is a better deal than £9 off £90.

2. sweat your discounts. Use coupons, a loyalty card and a cashback credit card in the same transaction.

3. Become a deal-hunter. “Like” companies on Facebook and follow them on Twitter to

4. Exploit price promises. Asda, Sainsburys and Tesco guarantee to repay the difference if they charge more for goods than either of their competitors. Look up offers on mysupermarket. co.uk, then buy them from any one of the three stores and get a coupon for the overspend.

5. Claim extra points. Loyalty-card points may only be worth a maximum of 1p (see loyaltychecker.co.uk), but they add up. Try the Tesco’s Boost scheme, where points fetch up to four times their usual value, or check your Boots card in the store booth, which triggers special offers.

“The kids are on their own a lot.” (“Single mothers get a lot of stick,” she says.)

Equally irrational are virtual boundary disputes, where people assume they have rights over communal space. “They’re infuriated when neighbours park in

front of their house, even though it’s a public road,” says Stokoe. “Even a glance over the fence may be interpreted as, ‘She keeps staring at me.’ ”

Once the grievance is made public, fear of losing face makes us reluctant to

compromise. This can lead to poisonous relationships and huge legal fees, so don’t go there. “Most people who ring services to complain say they’re upset, but it’s probably not worth taking it further,” says Stokoe. “Alternatively, community mediation can help, and it’s often free.”

And rather than fuming, why not try positive action? Neighbours needn’t be friends, but maybe offer to take in their post or feed their cat while they’re away, or swap details of plumbers or babysitters. “It’s small exchanges that build good relationships,” Stokoe says.

How to make a cHristmas wreatH

Get some fresh air, entertain the kids and make a stylish decoration for your door for next to nothing. Start by foraging for bendy bare twigs and greenery (ivy, fir branches), plus holly and pine cones. Then weave the bendy twigs around and into a wire wreath frame (around £1 from florists) and secure with garden ties to form the base.

Arrange plenty of greenery on top, tying it into the base and overlapping the pieces to hide the stems and wires. Now decorate the wreath with small bunches of holly, berries and pine cones fixed in place with wire; you can also add cinnamon sticks and slices of dried orange. Give the wreath a good shake to make sure nothing shifts when the door opens and squirt it with hairspray to stop it shedding. Add a festive bow if you like and you’re done!

How to resist gift creep

The rising cost of Christmas has prompted finance guru Martin Lewis to suggest sending a “no unnecessary presents pact”, where you agree to limit the spend or stop buying gifts for all but close family.

But tread carefully, because there are very good reasons for buying too much. “Gifts are a way of showing people how much we value them,” says psychologist Professor Karen Pine, author of Sheconomics (£8.99). So we may decide that the pricier the present, the better, but the sad fact is that it pleases no one. Pine’s research shows that only one in ten of us likes our Christmas gifts.

As the subject is so fraught, Pine suggests chatting face to face or on the phone. Try saying, “How would you feel if we set a limit on the amount we spend on gifts?” If that goes down well, you might add, “We could stop giving them if that’s what you’d like.”

Said tactfully, it’s unlikely to offend. “If you propose spending £5 or £10 a head, most people will heave a sigh of relief,” says Pine. “Giving something money can’t buy, like a CD of favourite tracks or a framed photo, can be even better because it shows you’ve put in time and effort.”

wHat your perfume maker won’t tell you

● I’m not who you think I am. Don’t be fooled by the name on the bottle. The perfume inside is usually made by one of five giant corporations, who are also in the business of producing scents for air fresheners and flavours to spray on crisps.

● Big isn’t always bad. Huge companies bring together teams of perfume specialists and fund flower plantations too. The result can be one of the world’s top scents—think Lancôme’s Trésor, awarded four stars in the scentlover’s bible Perfumes

● scent’s not about sex. Experts have found that the one that drives men wild is...bacon.

● Forget the famous name. You don’t have to pay through the nose for great fragrance. Experts rate high-street favourites Angel, Cool Water, Pleasures, Tommy Girl and Breath of God from Lush as highly as Chanel No 5.

● Perfume is the real deal. It contains 25% perfume oil, unlike eau de parfum with 15%–18%, or eau de toilette at just 10%. And you need to know that these may smell nothing like their parent because they can be made from quite different ingredients.

● I’ll change the formula without telling you. Fragrances are updated for good reasons

(safety, protecting endangered species) or bad (bigger profits).

Either way, I rarely inform my customers, so always test your favourite before you buy, just in case.

● Aftershave is pointless. It’s a feeble subterfuge for men who want to smell good without wearing perfume—and are prepared to put up with the pain.

● The contents of the bottle make up 3% of the price. The rest goes on marketing, packaging and celebrity endorsements.

● stay cool. Scent evaporates faster when you’re hot or if your complexion’s oily. To make it last longer, spray it on a handkerchief, not your skin.

The experts’ favourite, Guerlain’s Mitsouko

● Perfume isn’t natural. Whatever it smells like, 90% of the ingredients are made in the lab.

● only display empty bottles. Perfume deteriorates fast when exposed to light, so keep it in the dark. Decant it into an atomiser too—that way you’ll get a measured dose and can fund your next purchase by selling the coveted bottle on eBay.

● Fragrance can make you sick. It’s found in household products, so it can trigger eczema, asthma and migraine even in those who don’t wear perfume. If you’re affected, opt for fragrance-free.

● 90% of perfumes change after 20 minutes. That’s when the top notes give way to the heart of the scent, which gives it its character (think floral, spicy or green). They’re followed by the “dry down”, which reveals the long-lasting base notes—some will linger for more than 12 hours. As a quick sniff can be deceptive, test perfume by spraying a different one on your skin every morning and wearing it all day.

● The most popular perfume in the world is Chanel no 5. But, say experts Luca Turin and Tania Sanchez, Guerlain’s Mitsouko is the best. n

medicine With max pemberton

Doesn’t grumble: the woman who puts most of

Mrs Mullen had got a new hip. She’d waited a year for it, she told me—not that she was complaining. In fact, Mrs Mullen never made a fuss about anything. She just got on with it. She even ate the hospital food without complaint.

While grown men have cried when I’ve taken their blood (I’m serious), this woman didn’t even like to bother the nurses for her morphine, despite the fact that she was getting over a serious operation. She put me, and most of the other patients on the ward, to shame. She even offered to make her bed every morning to save the nurses from having to do it. She’s 83 for goodness’ sake. I’m in my thirties with fully functioning limbs and I don’t make my bed unless my mum’s visiting—and I certainly wouldn’t stop nurses from doing it for me.

I don’t think they make people like Mrs Mullen any more. My generation are a generation of complainers. We think the world owes us something. But if the world owes anyone anything, it owes people like Mrs Mullen. She left school at 14, even though she’d won a place at grammar

us

to shame

She didn’t even like to bother nurses for morphine

school. She worked in a factory until she retired. She never had a day off sick in her life and never had a holiday—not even when she gave birth to her three children. That’s nearly 50 years of solid toil. I’ve never worked as hard as Mrs Mullen, and I’ll almost certainly never have to.

Her home life was hard too. Until she was 20 she supported her mother and four sisters. During her time on the ward, she told me countless stories, in her matter-of-fact way, of the kind of poverty I’ve only ever read about.

She had, however, made a fuss when there was something worth making a fuss about. A trade unionist all her life, she fought for equal employment rights for women—and, she explained with a grin, hers had been the first factory in the country to get them. She fought for pension rights and disability payments.

Mrs Mullen recovered well and was soon discharged. It never occurred to me that I’d see her again, so I couldn’t believe my eyes when a few weeks later I went to buy a sandwich from the hospital Friends’ shop. Who should be standing behind the counter but Mrs Mullen?

“What are you doing here?” I asked open-mouthed. “You’re supposed to be resting, taking things easy.”

“Oh I am,” she replied. “It’s only a few hours a week. I saw the advert for volunteers while I was staying here. It’s my way of saying thank you for all that this hospital has done for me.”

Thank you? A box of Terry’s All Gold would have done. But Mrs Mullen is the sort of person who gives back more than she takes. It’s a dying breed. I ask for a cheese and tomato sandwich. She hands me egg instead—it’s all they’ve got. I hate egg, but I decide to eat it anyway and not complain.

Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor and author. He’s also the resident doctor on ITV’s This Morning

the myth? EATInG TUrkEY MAkES YOU SlEEpY medical myths— busted!

what’s the truth?

Whatever diners might tell you to get out of the washing up in favour of an after-dinner nap, there’s no scientific evidence to show that turkey makes you drowsier than any other meat.

where did the myth come from?

It’s likely to have originated from the fact that turkey contains a chemical called tryptophan. This is an amino acid and has been shown to be involved in promoting sleep. Sometimes, in fact, it’s even been sold as a sleep aid. The truth, though, is that turkey doesn’t contain a particularly large amount compared with other foods. Chicken and minced beef have similar levels; pork and cheese actually have much more. And in any case, the absorption of tryptophan is affected by other foods, meaning that its effects are minimised when it’s consumed as part of a meal.

so there’s nothing to worry about?

It’s not the turkey that’s making you drowsy after your Christmas meal, but rather the volume of food eaten. When we eat a lot, blood is diverted away from the brain towards the stomach and bowels. It’s this that can cause us to be drowsy—an effect that meals high in carbohydrate or protein are especially likely to have. And the sherry before dinner probably doesn’t help either. ■

TO THOSE WHO ARE VULNERABLE AND ALONE, I LEAVE COMPASSION, REASSURANCE AND HOPE.

When you write or update your will, please remember the work of the British Red Cross. By leaving just 1% of your estate, you can make sure we’re always ready to help people in crisis, whoever and wherever they are, in the UK or abroad.

Find out more about remembering the British Red Cross in your will. Call 0800 138 4554 or visit redcross.org.uk/giftinwill today for your free information pack.

Where worktops glisten: avoiding germs at Christmas

With everyone cooped up together in a centrally heated house, is it any wonder the festive season is notorious for colds and flu? But good home hygiene can help to keep the dreaded lurgy at bay

UsE any cleaning product that contains a surfactant—a detergent or other substance that enables water to soak up dirt and oils, removing unwanted germs.

lOsE all those products that boast about being “anti-bacterial” or “bacteriafighting”. The chemicals they contain also wipe out the friendly bacteria that we need to fight germs and stay healthy.

UsE bleach. It can deactivate or kill viruses found in the home. Any products that are labelled “disinfectant” will also zap disease-causing viruses and bacteria.

lOsE that old dish rag you use for the washing up. It can end up merely spreading the bugs from one area to another. Consider buying microfibre cloths, which are made up of extra-tiny strands, creating lots of surfaces and spaces to pick up germs safely.

AND DON’T FORGET... Use plenty of elbow grease and apply the cleaning product generously across the entire surface, so that all the dirt and debris can be wiped away. Be sure to clean thoroughly surfaces that have

men’s health is hE A shOpAhOlic?

We usually moan that our men race out to buy our pressies on Christmas Eve. But what if your guy is a shopaholic? A study from Stanford University in the US found that five per cent of men are—putting them only half a per cent behind women. It may sound comic, but uncontrolled male shopping can be a serious disorder. Dr Lorrin Koran, author of the study and a professor emeritus of psychiatry, says it’s like compulsive eating or gambling. “People do it to get away from a negative mood state.” And often the buzz they get quickly turns to guilt.

kNEED TO kNOw

How to spot when his buying turns into bingeing

QCan the right footwear help your dicky knee?

AYes. If you have medial osteoarthritis of the knee (the most common kind of osteoarthritis), where the pain radiates from the part of the knee near the inner thigh, lateral wedge insoles in your shoes may well relieve pain. Why? Well, some brand new research has just suggested that the benefit is

How can you tell if your man’s a compulsive shopper? If he buys stuff he never uses, spends more than he can afford or misses family commitments in favour of online shopping, he might have a problem. If he’s worried about it or your family is suffering—either financially or because he has no time for you—he needs help.

Opt for a calm discussion to find out if he agrees. Cognitive behavioural treatment can help people identify dysfunctional attitudes and change their behaviour. The jury is out on antidepressants—some studies say they’re effective; others that they’re useless.

See if you can get him to adopt safe shopping practices: never shop alone, avoid stores when feeling down, only buy from a pre-written list and cut up credit cards if necessary. It’s also a good idea to fill the shopping gap with other activities such as sport or volunteering.

simply down to the placebo effect. But either way, the idea is that because they’re built up on their outer edge, the insoles keep the bones in your knee joints from twisting. And in a two-year study of 156 people with knee arthritis, those who wore custom-made lateral wedge insoles took 24 per cent fewer painkillers than those who didn’t.

Wish you could shop for a new bladder?

If your days out are being ruined by too many visits to the toilet you may be su ering from an overactive bladder.

Over 7 million people in the UK su er too, so you’re not alone.

Luckily there are treatment options available including e ective medications from your doctor.

To find out more about overactive bladder and the help available visit

www.bladderproblem.co.uk

Or call our free helpline on 0800 011

4766

a very merry christmas?

How to stay sober—and what to do the next morning if you fail...

1. Tipple Tip We all know that the current fad for quaffing from glasses the size of a small goldfish bowl encourages you to drink more. Were you aware, though, that enjoying your Christmas cheer from a taller glass makes it more likely you’ll drink less? This is because the same amount of liquid poured into a tall skinny glass looks bigger than when it’s poured into a short wide one.

2. Ho-Ho Holiday smooTHie For those of you who didn’t follow the advice in 1, try this healthy smoothie recipe.

Peppermint can reduce headaches, making this a perfect drink for the morning after the night before. (Serves four.)

Blend the following:

375ml skimmed milk

375ml low-fat vanilla yoghurt

375ml ice cubes

5 peppermint leaves, torn

1tbs ground cinnamon

A few drops of peppermint extract (optional)

FouR fangtastic FACTS

1 Pharmaceutical companies, believe it or not, employ people to sniff out bad breath! These “noses” (like the ones found in the perfume industry) are used in the development of new mouthwashes.

2 While mouthwashes do kill bacteria, they’re still no substitute for regular brushing and flossing. If you don’t clean your gnashers properly, you’ll have bad breath no matter which mouthwash you use. And when you are brushing, make sure you also clean your tongue and the insides of your cheeks.

3 Research is divided as to whether electric toothbrushes are any better than manual ones at reducing plaque and gum inflammation. But whichever brush you opt for, choose a soft version to avoid damaging enamel and irritating your gums. Hold it at a 45-degree angle and gently brush from where the tooth and gum meet to the edge of the tooth, for two minutes at least twice daily.

4 Certain foods can help build healthier teeth, including eggs, beef, chicken, bread, fish and—yes—turkey. n

Chronic constipation under control.

Imagine how good relief feels.

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Putting you in control with Peristeen

Have you suffered from severe symptoms of constipation, such as incomplete emptying of your bowel, discomfort and feeling generally unwell? If these symptoms have lasted for over six months, you’re not alone. There are an estimated two million people in the UK suffering from chronic constipation. Like many of them, you may have tried to improve the situation by making changes to your lifestyle, diet and even taking medication but found limited success. However, there is a different approach. Peristeen is an effective, predictable and dignified system, which can be used, routinely, in the privacy of your home. It’s available on prescription from your doctor. Produced

Make your network work

QI have a very poor signal on my phone. The signal bar is only at one, or not there at all. I complained to the network provider, who said that the signal is variable where I am and they owe me no refund.

AIf you haven’t had any signal or connection for three full days, most network contracts will give you some kind of refund or, more likely, a credit.

You’d have to bark loudly to argue for a complete cessation of contract, because their (usually unread) terms and conditions make that nearly impossible.

I recently barked on behalf of someone with the same problem and the network provider offered a booster gadget —but suggested that the customer would have to pay £80 for it.

I barked more and eventually they sent it for free. But when she received the booster, it transpired that it didn’t work for

fAst fAct

There’s more processing power in today’s mobile phones than in the Apollo 11 craft that landed on the moon in 1969. Like our brains, it seems we only use a fraction of our phones’ capacity, wasting nearly £6bn on applications we don’t use every year.

iPhones and iPads—the devices she had.

The lesson here is to bark and then bark ever more loudly when you feel a network is being

Q

I got a quote for house insurance that was £500. That’s £100 more than the company had previously charged me. I complained and they offered me the same package at £60 cheaper. Can you take any quote at face value?

A

We’re back in the days of the bazaar, where every deal is negotiable and where there are no absolutes or complete certainties. You would expect an insurer to be consistent, but in the hunt for business they’ll reap the profits from those consumers who are repeat and unchallenging reinsurers. You’ll find they’ll negotiate with those who complain and offer the very best of deals to new customers.

Remember, you worked hard for your money, so don’t let it go too easily. ■

Donal MacIntyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ITV’s London Tonight. Please email consumer queries to Donal: excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

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money With jasmine birtles

You and your pension 4: Annuities

“That silver you crossed my palm with?… You’re going to need it back…”

Pensions are so complicated, and yet so important, that we’re now devoting part of each Money column to a clear, no-nonsense explanation of the whole tricky business

So you’ve saved all that pension money and it’s nearly time to retire. What happens next? The answer in most cases is that you buy an annuity. Unfortunately, though, there are still decisions to be made...

Shop around

An annuity gives you an income for life—but, because there are so many factors to consider, you should never simply take the annuity rate offered by your pension provider. You can increase your income by up to 20% just by shopping around

and taking the “openmarket option” (OMO). Annuity rates depend on your age and health, interest rates and government gilt prices, so you should get an independent financial adviser to look at the whole market for you.

Level versus increasing

The first major decision is whether or not you want your income to increase year by year. To protect against inflation, you can buy an annuity that increases by a fixed rate, or by the rate of inflation itself— whereas if you opt for a level annuity, you receive the same amount every year. This offers the highest initial income, but does risk inflation eating into your buying power.

Single versus joint life

Do you want an annuity that covers just you, or your partner as well? While a single life annuity pays you an income until death, a joint life annuity continues to pay some or all of cartoon by ian baker

the income to your partner when you die. This extra protection doesn’t come free of course, so the rates on offer are lower. You can, however, receive a higher initial income by reducing the proportion paid after your death.

Enhanced life annuities

Many companies offer a higher rate to people with a lower life expectancy, based on health and lifestyle factors such as smoking. At least one in three people qualifies for this enhanced life (also known as impaired life) annuity, and a serious condition can boost income by as much as 40%, so it’s worth investigating. If your partner is in poor health, you can apply for a joint enhanced life annuity and, again, the income should be higher.

A few more options

Investment-linked annuities mean you can draw your pension while still being exposed to future stock-market growth (or losses).

With a capitalprotected annuity the rest of your money will be paid to your dependents if you die before you’re 75. You can also include a five- or ten-year guarantee so that if you die soon after retiring, your estate will still receive the full income.

make money collecting snoW domes

You may never have thought of them as valuable, but these humble knick-knacks offer a serious collecting opportunity

“The recent wave of interest in ultra-kitsch paraphernalia and culture is fuelling new collecting fields such as the phenomenon for snow domes,” says Kirsty Wallace of Grays Antiques in London.

Some prices have already displayed impressive growth. A 1990s snow dome based on the Brambly Hedge series of children’s books by Jill Barklem originally sold for around £20; it can now fetch around £200, according to antiques expert Fiona Shoop.

jargon buster pension credit

Pension Credit is a means-tested benefit that contributes towards a guaranteed level of income for people of pensionable age. It comes in two parts: guarantee credit and savings credit. Guarantee credit is the part that provides a minimum income—but you may be eligible for a savings credit even if your income is higher than that.

US-based snow dome collector Andy Zito (andyzito.com/snowdomes) says he has a mint seated Bugs Bunny, issued by Universal Studios in the 1970s, worth at least £400–£750.

In the UK, some snow domes picked up for only 50p at a car-boot sale can go for £15 in specialist shops or online if they are in good condition and are sought-after.

Of course, there are mass-produced domes

appearing in the shops all the time, though some can be worth picking up if you’re looking for an investment. Zito suggests domes recently issued by Louis Vuitton and also by Lady Gaga, who has released a dome that features her on top of the globe. Good-quality domes from the London Olympics and future events such as the World Cup in Brazil and Rio Olympics are also worth collecting.

How to make money from snow domes

As with most collectibles, the rarer the item and the better its condition, the more money you’re likely to make. Here are some other considerations when picking up domes at car-boot sales and the like:

this month’s bargain

Get an exclusive 15% off personalised chocolate gifts through Chocolat A Toi. Chocolate bars, boxes of chocs and Christmas chocs are among its fabulous range. Just put in the code RD1213 when you buy online at chocolatatoi.com. Valid until December 31.

l “Go for glass rather than plastic—and thick plastic rather than thin,” advises Fiona Shoop, though Andy Zito says he goes for old plastic models and is only interested in very old or very rare glass models.

l Anything that marks out a snow dome’s individuality against its mass-produced rivals will make it more valuable. That said, it is worth looking for mistakes in mass-made domes, such as a misspelt name or upside-down figurine.

l Look for domes that were made for a one-off event. Zito also suggests going for plastic domes from more unusual international locations that are clearly identified, such as Cuba, Laos, Romania and other Eastern European locations.

l When it comes to buying and selling, collectors tend to use eBay, Yahoo and Etsy, or their own websites.

the one thing you must do this month...

...is enjoy Christmas on a budget. It’s just not worth over-spending and ending up with a January debt hangover. So, if you’re hosting dinners and parties, how about getting friends to bring a bottle and, ideally, doing a “pot luck” affair where everyone brings a dish to eat. Get in touch with friends and family and suggest a “secret Santa”—everyone just buys one good present for one person. Another idea is to agree with the family that you will all buy presents after Christmas, when the sales are on, to get more for your money. For more on how to resist “gift creep”, see page 102. ■

Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

fast food

Tasty recipes you can make in just 30 minutes

If you’re looking for an easy-tomake, warming lunch, try this creamy Christmas soup. The subtle spicing will give your tastebuds a treat, and at only 211 calories per bowl, it’s easy on the waistline too.

aromatic parsnip soup (serves 4)

850ml vegetable stock

1 large cooking apple

550g parsnips

1 medium onion

1tbs sunflower oil

1 clove garlic

2tsp ground coriander

1. Warm the stock in a saucepan over a low heat. peel the apple and the parsnips. Quarter and core the apple, then chop the apple and parsnips into chunks and set aside.

2. peel and chop the onion. Heat the oil in a large pan, add the onion and leave it to soften.

3. peel and roughly chop the garlic, add it to the pan, then add the three spices and cook for 1 min.

4. pour the warmed

1tsp ground cumin

1tsp turmeric pinch of salt

300ml milk a few coriander leaves 4–6tbs natural yogurt

stock into the pan and add the apple, parsnips and salt. Bring to the boil, then reduce the heat, cover and simmer for 15 minutes.

5. remove the pan from the heat and stir in the milk. process or blend the soup to a smooth purée, then reheat.

6. Ladle the soup into bowls, garnish it with the coriander leaves and serve. put the yogurt in a separate dish for people to help themselves. ■

60% of your immune system is now thought to be based in your gut, so shouldn’t this be where you support your immune health?

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Taming climbers and protecting your bulbs

QI’ve moved into a house with lots of beautiful wisteria against the back wall. I’ve been told to prune it before Christmas—why is that?

A Wisteria should be pruned twice a year: around midsummer and again in winter to stimulate the formation of short sideshoots that will bear summer flowers. Plants left

Cut back your wisteria before it’s too late

unpruned put their energy into producing leafy growth, not flowers.

Cut back all sideshoots that have borne flowers to around three buds from the main stem. If necessary, shorten the main framework shoots to restrict growth. On well-established plants, take out several of the older, more woody stems close to ground level.

Q Last year, mice and squirrels feasted on my buried bulbs. What’s the best way to protect them?

A Tulip bulbs are especially vulnerable to rodent theft in the winter. Try laying panels of chicken wire on the ground and secure at the corners with large stones or bent wire. That should keep them out!

Q I want to raise some hardy perennials in my seed trays. I like the look of my neighbour’s lobelia—would they work?

A Yes, lobelia are ideal. Fill a seed tray with moist seed compost, lightly firm and level. Use a pencil or thin cane to press parallel grooves about half an

inch deep in the compost. Sow seeds sparingly along these channels but don’t cover with compost as light is essential for germination. Cover the tray with some polythene or a clear lid and stand in a warm place.

When the seedlings are about half an inch high, fill another tray with moist potting compost and make holes about 2ins apart. Lift small clumps of seedlings with a dibber and transfer to the holes in the new tray. Lightly firm with your fingers, water gently, then put the tray in a propagator or cover it with a clear lid.

QI like the idea of growing a climber through the branches of a tree in my garden. How do I get started?

AThis technique certainly gives you an extra season of colourful flowers or foliage, but be sure to match the vigour of the climber to the size of the tree—a rampant climbing plant will overwhelm a small specimen. For the climber to grow successfully you need to plant and tend it with care, because it’ll have to compete with the roots of the tree for water and nourishment. The planting position shouldn’t be close to the trunk but towards the edge of the branch canopy, where the soil should have fewer roots and more moisture.

december checklisT

Send your gardening questions to excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

l Start moving forced bulbs into light and gentle warmth, no more than 10C; hyacinths should have plump shoots with buds visible, and narcissi should be about 4ins high, with visible flower buds.

l Clear beds where late annual displays have finished. Weed, then cover the ground with a layer of garden compost, ready to be forked early in spring.

l Tie in climber stems firmly to avoid wind damage, and loosen existing ties if they threaten to cut into stems.

reader’s tip

Hang on to your empty yogurt pots. They make great caps for canes and will protect your face or eyes when bending over. ■

Many thanks to Sian Roberts of Flintshire for sending this in.

Email your gardening tips and ideas—with photos, if possible—to excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk. We’ll pay £50 if we use them on this page.

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motoring With conor mcnicholas

Goodnight, campers

On December 31, after nearly 65 years of continuous production, the VW camper van will be no more. Staggeringly, it has existed for more than half of the entire history of the automobile —and few vehicles have made such an impact on popular culture.

It was launched in 1949 under the distinctly uncool name of “Type 2”, as it was Volkswagen’s second-ever vehicle. (The Beetle was Type 1). It began, with some success, as a rearengined panel van. But it burst into life when it was

OnE TO BUy

“You mean next year it’s back to the sleigh?”

converted into a practical house on wheels in 1951.

In the Sixties, the “bus”, as it was affectionately known, became the hippies’ transport of choice, often decorated with wild psychedelic designs. The camper represented freedom: wherever I lay my kaftan, that’s my home.

The “splitty”, with its double windscreen, was

Hyundai ix20 £11,566

Sometimes you just have to take your hat off to great value. I’m a big fan of Korean cars and this is a little cracker—handsome and with a good smattering of car kit for the money. Hyundai are especially proud of the fact that there’s more rear legroom than in the massive Volvo XC90 SUV. If you’re after a practical everyday car, this should be on your list.

replaced in 1967 by the “bay”, with a single screen, and the camper van’s design was pretty much set in stone. now it’s a retroclassic that you can rent for an ever-so-slightlytongue-in-cheek motoring holiday.

The camper has been killed off by safety legislation. From 2014, all vehicles in Brazil—the last country still producing it— must have airbags and anti-lock braking systems: features incompatible with the van’s design. For this motoring legend it’s finally time to go puttering off into the sunset.

Do it mY WaY!

Tailgating and not indicating are the UK’s most despised driving habits, breakdown company

GEM has found. Third is not using motorway lanes properly—and fifth, driving too slowly! As ever, the worst drivers are those who don’t drive the way we do. ■

Phil Rees/Al A my

My Great Escape: Treading a winding path to the past

Davina’s three friends on the Lycian Way, southern Turkey

Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £50. See address on p4.

My husband Tim and I, along with friends, decided to experience a walk with a difference. So we left the well-trodden paths of Britain and travelled to Turkey to explore the Lycian Way.

Around 3,000 years ago, Lycia was a prosperous area in what’s now southern Turkey, on the Mediterranean coast. The Lycian Way, in contrast, is a recent innovation. The whole path extends for some 315 miles, and was researched and marked less

than 15 years ago. The starting point is at Ovacik, 35 miles from the nearest airport at Dalaman. We were walking the first section, covering 50 miles over six days, finishing at the ruined site of ancient Patara. The path follows the coastline with occasional detours into conifer woodland and olive groves. The views were constantly changing, from sea to rugged mountains.

We passed through villages and farms where time seems to have stood still. Goats and chickens roam freely and almonds and olives are harvested by hand. We passed many beehives, and the hum of bees collecting nectar from the pine trees became our soundtrack. The locals greeted us with smiles and merhaba (hello), and one local farmer, transporting a harvest of grapes, insisted on giving a bunch to each of us as we passed.

One of the main legacies of Lycia is the spectacular burial chambers cut into the cliffs. The skill of the Roman engineers is also much in evidence; we spent one day walking beside a stillfunctioning aqueduct.

We had one rest day from the

For Christmas, Davina Pike (left) from Bromley serves up a slice of Turkey

walk when we hired a boat, with a guide and two crew members, and pottered around some of the many small islands that lie off the coast. On our last day we arrived at the ancient city of Patara, which was Lycia’s major port until it silted up centuries ago. The site is still being excavated, but we wandered freely among the ruins, marvelling at the amphitheatre and the columns lining what had been Patara’s main street.

Sadly, the days passed all too quickly—we had to say goodbye to our week as time travellers walking through Lycia’s past and return to the 21st century.

On Foot holidays (01722 322 652; onfootholidays.co.uk) has a seven-night self-guided Lycian Way trip from £670pp, excluding flights.

TraveL WeBSiTe OF ThE MONTh

Oyster.com

Nothing to do with London travelcards, Oyster is a hotels website predominantly covering US cities, with some destinations further afield. Its X factor comes from its honesty: all featured hotels have been visited by someone from the site, who then reports back. Even if you’re not planning a trip to Vegas or Miami, the Photo Fakeouts— comparing marketing photos with shots taken by Oyster— make for entertaining viewing.

ThingS TO DO ThiS

go now

Good news for those up north: starting this month, you can fly to Antigua and St Lucia from Manchester Airport, rather than having to schlep to London. Thomas Cook begins twice-weekly flights to Barbados—one via Antigua, the other via St Lucia—just in time for a dose of Caribbean sunshine during our coldest months. The fares shape up nicely too, with January returns to Barbados starting at £384pp, including 20kg luggage and meals (flythomascook.com).

stay now

book now

Narnia comes to Chatsworth this month, as the lower floors of the Derbyshire house are transformed to reflect different scenes from C S Lewis’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (until December 23). The White Witch’s icy palace takes up residence in the Painted hall; the Oak Room becomes Mr Tumnus’s house, and visitors can walk through fur-clad wardrobe doors to find themselves in a Narnian forest (chatsworth.org). voyages Jules verne boosts its portfolio for next year with 13 new trips. Many offer places with no single supplement, and if you book before December 15 you can save an extra £50 on some European cruises. We love the sound of a 17-day Grand Tour of the Baltics (from £2,345pp), and their 18-night Jordan/India itinerary From Petra to the Taj Mahal (from £1,995pp) is also the stuff of once-in-a-lifetime travel (0845 166 7035; vjv.com). ■

BY JAMES WALTON

The Reader’s Digest

December fiction

Swedish revenge killings and disaffection in suburbia—two novels walk on the dark side

The Gingerbread House

by Carin Gerhardsen (Penguin, £7.99; ebook, £3.99)

You might have thought that British publishers had long ago signed up every Scandinavian crime writer who can tap a keyboard. These days, you can barely move in a bookshop without knocking over a pile of bestsellers by the latest Swedish/Danish/Norwegian sensation. But now comes Carin Gerhardsen, whose novels featuring Detective Inspector Conny Sjöberg have had to wait five years to reach Britain.

Fortunately, to judge from The Gingerbread House, whatever the reason for this delay, it’s nothing to do with Gerhardsen’s qualities as a writer. Scandi-crime traditionalists might be disappointed to find that Sjöberg is such a contented soul— happily married and a doting father of five. They will, however, be reassured both by the impeccably gloomy weather (“not a trace of the sun could be seen”) and by the story itself: a fast-paced, dark and occasionally gruesome tale of revenge killing whose roots lie in a primary school 38 years before.

The result is a properly thrilling thriller that will strike a particular chord with anybody who was either a bully or bullied as a child—which is to say, most of us.

The Dogs of Littlefield

by Suzanne Berne (Viking, £14.99; ebook, £7.99)

Ever since her first novel A Crime in the Neighborhood won the 1999 Orange Prize for women’s fiction, Suzanne Berne has stuck almost defiantly to her guns. Her subsequent books have all painted a not-unfamiliar portrait of American suburbia as a place where, behind the white picket fences, life is a lot less idyllic than it seems. The same applies to The Dogs of Littlefield, where the James Walton presents the Radio 4 literary quiz The Write Stuff

central couple, Bill and Margaret Downing, have duly completed the melancholy journey from infatuated young lovers to middle-aged malcontents—he, unhappy to notice how much she’s aged; she, unhappy to notice him noticing.

What makes this a slightly odd book, though, is that the best bits are also the least ambitious: the nice little touches and observations about family life. The big set pieces, by contrast, fall rather flat—including Margaret’s adultery, an outbreak of dog-poisoning and, above all, a series of supernatural visions of dead animals. It’s not often you wish that a novel had fewer dramatic moments. But here they really do get in the way of what could have been (and in parts still is) a quietly touching exploration of ordinary hopes and disappointments.

Our round-up of 2013

January E L “Fifty Shades of Grey” James is named the bestselling author of 2012 with sales totalling £47.3m. Second is Jamie Oliver with a mere £12.2m. February Hilary Mantel’s Bring Up the Bodies becomes the first novel to win both the Costa Book of the Year and the Man Booker Prize.

March The Diagram Prize for the oddest title of the year goes to Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop, which beats off competition from How Tea Cosies Changed the World. april Novelist Iain Banks (pictured)

announces he has terminal cancer— and that he’s asked his long-time partner Adele Hartley “to do me the honour of becoming my widow”. Banks dies in June. May Dan Brown’s new novel Inferno becomes the UK’s second fastestselling book of the century—after The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. June Malorie Blackman becomes the Children’s Laureate, succeeding Julia Donaldson. July Robert Galbraith, author of the “debut” novel The Cuckoo’s Calling, is revealed to be

name the author Answer on p132

Can you guess the writer from these clues (and, of course, the fewer you need the better)

1. He died on Christmas Eve, 1863.

2. His most famous novel shares its title (taken from Pilgrim’s Progress) with that of a monthly magazine.

3. Its main character is Becky Sharpe.

J K Rowling. The next week, its sales increase by 41,000 per cent. august Death of Seamus Heaney, who, even before he died, was responsible for two-thirds of all the UK sales of living poets. septeMber Europe’s biggest public library opens in Birmingham. OctOber Helen Fielding’s long-awaited new Bridget Jones book is published, receiving mixed reviews. nOveMber Publication of the first authorised Jeeves and Wooster novel since P G Wodehouse’s death: Jeeves and the Wedding Bells by Sebastian Faulks.

How Christmas Became Merry

A heartfelt exploration of the connections between the seasons and England’s traditions and folklore brims with fascinating revelations

Nick Groom is clearly a man on a mission. In this endlessly rich book, he not only brings out the many links between English customs and the cycle of the seasons, but also implores us not to forget them. The good news is that our role in this is not necessarily demanding. (“There is much to be said for simply turning up at the local pub during a carnival, fair or the like and steadfastly drinking from lunchtime to bedtime.”) The further good news is that Groom gives us such a persuasive and beguiling history of these links that few readers will end up disagreeing with his premise that if we lose them we’ll lose “an understanding of ourselves”.

It’s also a book crammed with fascinating snippets. Our tax year, for instance, begins on the date it does because, until 1751, New Year’s Day in England was March 25—the Feast of the Annunciation—and when the Julian calendar was changed to the Gregorian the following year, March 25 became April 6.

Readers in other parts of the UK should perhaps be warned that The Seasons is definitely about England rather than the whole country. As Groom rather wearily explains, England proved a big enough subject by itself; and anyway, as the worst of the home countries at celebrating its own traditions, it’s the one most in need of such a book. Yet, while he’s obviously a proud if sometimes exasperated Englishman, Groom never sentimentalises his material. He stresses how many supposedly age-old traditions were 19th-century inventions, and is particularly scornful of modern-day druids at Stonehenge.

After overviews on the history of the calendar and the weather (did you know, incidentally, that the driest English month is April?), the book has a chapter for each month, pausing

r D e XCLu S IV e : nICk groom’S ChrIStmaS faVourIteS

FavO urite

c hrist M as n Ovel

John Masefield’s The Box of Delights (1935). A boy travelling home for Christmas meets a Punch and Judy man and is drawn into a great adventure. I’m looking forward to the time when I can read this to my daughters.

FavO urite

c hrist M as n O n- F icti O n b OO k

Ronald Hutton’s The Stations of the Sun: a History of the Ritual Year in Britain (1996) opens with some wonderful chapters on Christmas.

occasionally to discuss more general subjects like the Enclosure Acts when “the rural poor were pauperised… and with them went a thousand years of folk culture”.

As you might imagine, another subject with a chapter to itself is Christmas—and in this edited extract Groom describes how it developed into the essentially Victorian festival we have today (thanks partly to an Indonesian volcano). We join the story with Cromwell’s Puritan parliament decreeing that Christmas celebrations had no basis in scripture, and that even the use of decorative evergreens was “idolatrous”…

‘‘ ►

And so following ‘An Ordinance for Abolishing of Festivals’ declared by Parliament in 1647, the Lord Mayor of London traversed the city to pull down the holly and ivy of his citizens. Despite this, the abolition was resisted, and on December 24, 1652, Parliament was obliged to reiterate it. Still it continued: in 1657 the diarist John Evelyn was arrested in church on Christmas Day at gun-point for celebrating the Nativity.

Christmas was eventually restored by Charles II in 1660. Nonetheless, the Puritans of New England managed to suppress Christmas well beyond then, and the effects of the Presbyterian Scottish Kirk are still felt today. For years, Christmas was a normal working day in Scotland and even after it became a bank holiday in 1871, it was considered merely an entertainment for children.

Christmas past: a troupe of actors performs a Christmas masque at the court of Charles II

Christmas during the Restoration developed into a highly convivial affair, in which the gentry dined the poor. But the social make-up of the country was already shifting to a more metropolitan capitalism where the quaint feudal ties of an earlier age had no place, and the festival rapidly went into a 150-year decline. Through the 18th century, Christmas was increasingly kept only as a religious holiday and a day on

The Seasons: an Elegy for the Passing Year by Nick Groom is published by Atlantic at £22; ebook, £11.55

The publication of A Christmas Carol in 1843 contributed greatly to the popular image of Christmas, particularly of a white Christmas

which quarterly rents were due. Within a generation, however, the season had been completely revived. In the 1820s, a new Father Christmas emerged from New York, inspired by immigrant Dutch traditions of St Claas.

English incarnations of Old Father Christmas as a carnivalesque figure bedecked with holly were superseded virtually overnight by the American Santa Claus, formulated in the poem ‘A Visit from St Nicholas’—better known as ‘The Night Before Christmas’ and first published on December 23, 1823. Meanwhile, the tradition of decorated boughs for the English Christmas, revived in the 19th century, was soon overtaken by the German Christmas tree tradition, popularised by an engraving of the Royal Family around their tree in the 1848 Christmas supplement to the Illustrated London News

In 1843 Charles Dickens published A Christmas Carol, which contributed greatly to the popular image of Christmas, particularly of a white Christmas. In fact, the prevalence of Christmas snow in Dickens’s work stems from his childhood memories: he was born in 1812, and the first decade of his life was the coldest since the 1680s. It snowed on Christmas Day on six out of the first nine years of Dickens’s life—weather conditions caused in part by the volcanic explosion of Mount Tambora in 1815.

Coincidentally, the same year A Christmas Carol appeared, the first Christmas card was sent by the civil servant Henry Cole. The modern celebration of Christmas therefore owes much to Victoriana. What we have perhaps forgotten is that the charitable impulse of the Victorian enthusiasm for Christmas was also fired by anxiety about the condition of the labouring classes and by the possibility of alleviating their sufferings. In that sense, the Victorian Christmas was almost a communal reparation for the years of Enclosure Acts and industrialisation—a reinvention of seasonal traditions now based around alms and charity boxes. In short, the Victorians restored humanity to Christmas.

FavO urite

c hrist M as p O e M

The thrilling medieval poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, translated by J R R Tolkien, begins at Christmas in King Arthur’s court with fascinating detail of early customs and entertainments.

FavO urite

c hrist M as play

Much as I’ll enjoy taking my children to a pantomime, my favourite seasonal play would have to be my local Sticklepath Tipteers Mummers’ Play, performed on New Year’s Day and Twelfth Night at various pubs on Dartmoor.

FavO urite

c hrist M as

car O l

There is a huge repertoire of English carols; my favourite is “God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen”. The words and tune have survived in two versions; both are magical, sung on frosty nights under street lamps.

LEAD TRULY: The 33 Basics to Achieve True Leadership

Patrick Gogniat

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Lead Truly is the perfect guide for active men and women to achieve leadership in any walk of life. The author elaborates 33 basic rules which the author truly believes to be the right mix in achieving leadership and success. This book delivers the core truth about leadership, sums it all up and makes it accessible to everyone. Enlightening and truly enriching, Lead Truly inspires, motivates and drives an individual to be a leader and succeed in any walk of life. The author strongly believes in - and promotes - the following message: “So lead yourself, lead others and lead organizations according to the 33 basic rules presented in Lead Truly and you will definitely achieve true leadership in life.”

Tadias and the Pitbully Tree

Saidat Vandenberg

978-1-4797-0172-8 | $21.99

Tadias and the Pitbully Tree tells the story of Tadias, a girl on her way to I Like Me Street but encounters a mean bully tree. What will she do? Will she be able to reach I Like Me Street?

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My Extraordinary Life

Monica Sucha Vickers

978-1-4797-6047-3 | $19.99

Monica Sucha Vickers pens an inspirational and heartwarming anthology that reveals her challenging journey toward a life of happiness and contentment. My Extraordinary Life unravels a tale of a congenital triple amputee and how she overcomes the many incredible odds in life.

I Swear to You, Adolf Hitler, Fealty and Obedience

Adalbert Lallier

978-1-4836-2006-0 | $15.99

Witness the Calvary of Austrian Jews torn between wealthy and materialistic secular life, and the Word of their faith and the traditions of their heritage, as Nazism encroaches upon their nation, marking the beginning of a desperate struggle for survival.

Mass Trespass on Kinder Scout in 1932

Geo rey Glasby D.Sc.

978-1-4691-7893-6 | £9.99

Mass Trespass on Kinder Scout in 1932 written by Dr. Geoff Glasby recalls an iconic event which paved the way for the opening of the countryside for all.

Books That Changed My Life

Welsh actor Matthew Rhys, 39, rose to fame in the TV drama Brothers & Sisters on Channel 4. This Christmas, he plays Mr Darcy in BBC1’s Death Comes to Pemberley

The Catcher in the Rye

By J D Salinger

This may not be a very original choice but, like so many other teenagers, I’ll never forget the impact it had on me. At a time in my life when I felt insecure and uncertain, Salinger showed me I wasn’t alone. Here was an adult who understood me! I was shocked that someone could be so emotionally insightful, yet hugely relieved to have a pat on the back to reassure me that my feelings weren’t weird. I spent quite a lot of time in my room as a teenager—the weather in Wales made sure of that—and the relationship I developed with this book was personal and intense. I felt he’d written it just for me.

As told to Caroline Hutton

The Old Man and The Sea

By Ernest Hemingway

Hemingway is the only author whose work I enjoy rereading, and the older

I get the more I appreciate his writing. I could have chosen any number of his books. Like Burton he was a complex, macho man, but with sensitivity and an understanding of the human condition. The Kansas City Star, where he worked before the First World War, had a style guide that encouraged its reporters to “Use short sentences. Use short first paragraphs. Use vigorous English. Be positive, not negative.” Hemingway took that advice and ran with it. I find his efficiency and accuracy of language breathtaking.

Rich: The Life of Richard Burton

By Melvyn Bragg

My father sparked my interest in Burton when he and I watched Look Back in Anger together. Burton’s portrayal of Jimmy Porter was mesmerising. I read this biography on the train journeys to and from London for my auditions at Rada—I was buoyed by Burton’s story, so eloquently told. There were many aspects of his character that I found heartening. Like him, I was a little tortured about choosing acting as a career; faintly embarrassed and nervous at the lack of stability it offered. Yet, when I finished the book after my last audition, I thought it could be done. Here was the proof—a man from Wales who’d made it. I’ve never looked back. ■

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AUTHORS

synopsis and sample chapters welcome, please send to:

CGC - 33 - 01, 25 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London, E14 5LQ

0207 0388212

editors@austinmacauley.com

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To advertise on these pages please

Laugh!

win £50 for every reader’s joke we publish. Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk or go to facebook.com/readersdigestuk

¶ I went to a fancydress party the other night, but I knew I wasn’t going to win any prizes wearing my throwntogether Monopoly costume with all its missing props.

I had no chance. Or community chest. Seen on the internet

¶ A man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes him to the parrot section and asks him to choose one.

“How much is the yellow one?’’ the man asks.

“£2,000,” the assistant says.

The man is shocked and asks why it’s so expensive.

“This parrot is very special,” the assistant explains. “He knows typewriting and can type fast.”

‘’What about the green one?’’ the man asks.

“He costs £5,000—he knows typewriting, can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes,” replies the assistant.

“And what about the red one?’’ the man asks.

“£10,000,” says the assistant. “Wow!” exclaims the man.

¶ Mr SMith iS having hiS breakfaSt when there’s a loud banging on his front door. Rather startled, he jumps up and goes to answer it. Standing there is a huge beetle, which proceeds to butt him, thump him and kick him, eventually knocking him unconscious.

Several hours later, he wakes up in hospital and sees a doctor standing over him, looking concerned. Mr Smith describes the experience to him.

“Funnily enough, you’re the third case we’ve admitted today,” says the doctor. “There’s a really nasty bug going round.”

Joseph William Stokoe, Durham

“What does he do?”

“I don’t know,” says the assistant. “But the other two call him boss.”

Cheryl Calloway, Hereford

¶ “Do you want to hear a good Batman impression?” asked my friend Dave.

“Go on then,” I replied.

“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” he screamed.

“That’s Superman,” I said.

“Thanks, I’ve been practising,” he replied.

Seen on the internet

¶ Never ever iron a four-leaf clover. You don’t want to press your luck.

Tracy Davidson, Warwickshire

Every single weekday I meet this bossy lady who makes me cross. She’s a lollipop lady Derry Jones, Harrogate

Let me tell you a little about my family. i’m the youngest of three. My parents are both older

Comedian Stewart Francis

►

The Trouble wiTh december by josh widdicombe

Award-winning comedian Josh Widdicombe is 5ft 6.5in tall, and his favourite TV show is The Simpsons. Each month, he lets us know just exactly what his problem is.

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? For me, a year of columns complaining about the holidays and events of the year, it seems. But December brings Christmas, and I simply refuse to complain. Particularly as this is the one holiday that takes more flack than any other.

People love to have a go at Christmas, and who can blame them: all that time off, and drinking, eating and

seeing loved ones…what a nightmare. How can this get any worse—free gifts? I don’t know how we cope with such a terrible experience!

The fact is, the only thing wrong with Christmas is people complaining about Christmas. And, just for the record, I refuse to call these people Scrooges—if you remember rightly, even he liked Christmas by the end of the book, and he was a really nasty piece of work.

No, I’m sorry, but if you can’t love Christmas then I’ve checked and you have an issue with eating, drinking and being merry, something that even I can’t get on board with. But I would say that—I’ve been drinking mulled wine since I sat down to write this.

“what are the names of Santa’s reindeer?”

“errr…Donner, blitzen…Umm…rihanna, beyoncé…”

¶ “Did you hear the recent news about the film star who stabbed her lover to death?” I asked my friend.

“No, who was it?” he replied.

“Reese…Reese… oh, what’s her name?”

“Witherspoon?”

“No, with a knife!” John Smith, Chesterfield

fancy making a personalised chrisTmas card?

Just don’t take inspiration from these, seen at thechive.com

¶ After the match, I was disappointed that none of the lads wanted to celebrate our brilliant win with champagne in the showers.

That’s the last time I have anyone over to watch the football. Seen on the internet ¶ There’s no place like home. Actually, going on outside appearance, next door is quite similar.

Comedian Tim Vine

¶ My statistics professor told me I was average. I told her, “That’s mean.”

Seen on Reddit

¶ A hundred women were asked which shampoo they preferred when washing their hair.

Ninety-nine said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Jennifer Russell, Angus ¶ “Can you read that car’s number plate from here?” asked my instructor today.

“Yes!” I replied, “Now can you please open the parachute!”

Seen on the internet

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Paul Chowdhry

do you have a favouriTe of your own jokes?

I don’t really have a favourite joke. It’s like asking a parent which kid is their favourite. But I’ll pick one at random— I tried to join the BNP over the phone and got through to a call centre in India.

whaT’s your besT heckle? I recently told an audience in Essex that I might call my next show PC World. Someone heckled with, “Why don’t you call it Currys?” You could read that any way you like.

Paul Chowdhry is the host of Stand

Up for the Week, currently on Channel 4 every friday night

funniesT Thing ThaT’s ever happened To you?

When my cousin fell down the stairs around 15 years ago. He was on the phone to me, so I heard him fall down the stairs rather than saw him, which is funnier. It’s like when someone says reading the book was better than the film, as you create the pictures in your mind. I told this story in my DVD What’s Happening White People? My cousin was in the audience and he was blushing—it’s quite hard for an Indian to blush.

favouriTe Tv show? It seems clichéd to choose my own show Stand Up for the Week, but before I was involved, I thought, This show is really tough. I wouldn’t like to do that. The comedians have to turn over a brand new stand-up set every single week, a process that normally takes months. It’s not like a panel show where you can bounce off one another—it’s just pure stand-up.

finally, who’s your comedy inspiraTion?

Bruce Forsyth is an inspiration to everyone. If he can dance like that in his eighties, how can people half his age complain about being tired? Either that or he’s the Terminator. n

RD Brain Teasers

Grab a cup of tea and a biscuit and bend your mind to these six puzzles, ranging from the mildly puzzling to the pen-chewingly fiendish

1. vision only

Relying on sight alone, work out which three of the four pieces below can be fitted together to form a cube?

2. uphill struGGle

When you push an object up a slope, in which of the four directions shown is the load? A B C D

3. sudoku To win, you have to put a number from 1 to 9 in each outlined section so that: • every horizontal row and vertical column contains all nine numerals (1–9) without repeating any of them • each of the outlined sections has all nine numerals, none repeated. If you want even more of a challenge, try timing yourself too. difficulty HHH A B C D

* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

5. line weiGht

Which of the lines between the arrow heads is the longest?

Answers

5. inel weight: They are the same length.

4. latf dice: D.

3. udoku:s If you solved it within: 15 minutes, you’re a true expert; 30 minutes, you’re no slouch either; 60 minutes or more, maybe numbers aren’t your thing.

D (because gravity is a downward force).

2. phillu struggle:

1. isionv only: B, C, and D form a cube.

4. flat dice

When the shape on the left is folded into a cube, only one of A to E below can be formed. Which is it?

£50 prize question

(answer published in the January issue)

how many stars are needed to balance scale c?

The first correct answer we pick on November 29 wins £50!* Email excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

Each knife has a value of one, each spoon a value of 2 and each fork a value of 4, so one fork is needed to balance scale C. answer to november’s prize question: and the £50 goes to…

Clifford Barker from Cheshire

Beat the Cartoonist!

win £100 and a Cartoon print

october’s winner There were only four votes separating all the captions this month, but cartoonist Royston Robertson’s caption, “That may not be the best option for printing out your novel,” was edged out by reader Matthew Deacon’s effort, “I suppose we’ll need 3D glasses as well?” Another reader triumph!

scoreboard readers 16 cartoonists 6

HeLLo 2014! in next month’s issue

l Make this the year you smash your mental limits

l Learn how to eat well and live long

l PLUs: idris elba—one of b ritain’s hottest actors— on his oscar-tipped role as nelson Mandela

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in midDecember alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you’ll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readersdigest. co.uk or the address on p4 by December 6. Enter and vote online at readers digest.co.uk/caption. We’ll announce the winner in our February issue. n

A professional performance

Give your home the red carpet treatment!

professional uprights have been world leaders for many years due to their outstanding German build quality, design excellence and superb performance.

domestic vacuum cleaners are built to the same high standards: That is why they routinely come top in reliability and customer satisfaction surveys and that is why, when you use one, your home will not SEBO clean.

SEBO – the vacuum cleaner professionals

For a chance to win a SEBO vacuum cleaner, enter our monthly draw at: www.sebo.co.uk

www.sebo.co.uk

01494 465533

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