Reader's Digest March 2013

TV’s latest (and most surprising) vet

Catherine Haughney,

of Reader’s Digest

welcomes you to the March issue

Tell us what you think of this issue: theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk

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editor

,

MARCH 2013 FEATURES

“I think Bert Spencer served two sentences,” explains writer Simon Golding. “The one in prison and then the burden of guilt he imposed on himself.”

“Alfie Boe is a huge favourite in my family —my mum was very excited that I was getting to meet him,” says journalist Joanna Moorhead. “He was a lovely interviewee with an amazing story.”

“I’m still coming to terms with Windows 8, the computing equivalent of hiring a drunk secretary,” says author A L Kennedy, who’s disillusioned with digital books.

Where do you think this scene was filmed? Find out on p50

75

Stories featured on the cover are shown in red

I’m enormously proud to welcome you to this very special issue of the magazine—it’s 75 years since RD was first published in Britain. Our launch issue (in March 1938) was full of inspiring stories of ordinary people doing extraordinary things, handy hints and tips, plus plenty of good belly laughs thrown in. Read our anniversary feature on p66.

Coming bang up to date, comedian and broadcaster Sue Perkins, this month’s cover star, tells us about her new sitcom Heading Out. As Sue has turned her hand to everything from conducting orchestras to presenting Bake O , it’s no surprise to learn that she’s written this comedy series herself. Read more on p38.

And if you’ve ever wondered how the RSPB took flight, turn to p137, where you’ll also find an exquisite picture of nature at play.

I hope you’ll join me in looking forward to our next 75 years!

WRITE ON…

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over to you...

emails, letters, tweets and facebook

£30 fOr eaCH puBliSHed letter,

£15 fOr SHOrter extraCtS,

£50 fOr tHe letter Of tHe MOntH!

See p4 fOr MOre detailS

Letter of the Month

I liked Arthur Smith’s Maverick article on grumpiness, but there’s a balance to be struck between realistic expectations and expecting everything to be bad— which is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I went to a couple of shows recently. One was at the local theatre, and I had high expectations. I was disappointed. The second was in a church hall. I really wasn’t expecting very much, but—perhaps as a result —I had a great time. Conversely, it’s easy for someone working as a professional comedian to say he has no interest in “living the dream”. Many would argue that he’s already “living the dream”. Striving for the job you’d like is the only way you’re going to get it. And if you assume your life is going to be miserable and that it’s not worth trying to achieve anything, your lack of effort will make your prediction come true.

Most worthwhile things require some effort. Drive, passion, optimism and maybe a bit of luck can go a long way in helping you achieve your dreams.

Susie Kearley, Buckinghamshire

national icon

I loved your interview with Billy Connolly (“Age Becomes Him”). The day I met him in London on my 18th birthday still rates as one of my all-time great experiences. He showed me his odd-coloured socks and said it was the only way to go. So here I am, over 20 years later, wearing one pink sock and one green sock in homage to my hero.

Owen Hollifield, Caerphilly

Sorry to be a pedant, but Billy Connolly’s comment about his singing voice sounding like “a goose farting in the fog” was made by Leo Kottke, not Tom Waits. As a big fan of both artists, I’m obsessive enough to read the notes on their albums (the quip appears on Kottke’s The Best). But don’t worry— it didn’t spoil my enjoyment of your article!

Malcolm Simms, by email

good design, my foot

“Best of British Design” was a superb reminder of just what the UK can do. But I must take issue with Lola Borg’s rationale for the brogue. The brilliance of the design was that it enabled shoemakers to use a whole cowhide, regardless

of the number of warble-fly holes it contained.

In 1900, the warble fly was a major pest that laid eggs in a cow’s hoof in autumn—grubs emerged through the cow’s back in the spring and left random holes. This design meant the shoemaker could use all of the hide, instead of being selective in his cutting. alec denton, leeds

It’s impossible to consider great British designs without thinking of the Morgan car. This picture is of my 1982 four-seater model, which was built by hand on a wooden (beech) frame supported by a steel chassis.

The company recently celebrated its 100th birthday,

“if a tree falls to the ground in a forest, is that not a Health and safety issue?”

still in the ownership of the original family. andy taylor, dorset

correction: We stated that the photo of the Queen used on the 1967 postage stamp was taken by Lord Snowden. It was in fact taken by John Hedgecoe. Many apologies for this error.

early interVention

I liked Charlie Mullins’s idea in “If I Ruled the World” of offering apprenticeships to

“CoMe AGAIn?”

● “…I’ve carried out 21 years of research into the causes of creation. During this period of time, I have made a number of discoveries that are probably by far the best mankind has ever made. But I’ll require a fee of £30 before I can send my research to you…”

● “…One of the project managers in Russia had the name Dust the Lampshade. For five years, that was all the Russian staff used to call him. But he still loved me, I think…”

● “…Just as well I didn’t tell you that I did the very same thing when I used Granddad’s false teeth as a crimper for the pies I made. There’s a method in my madness…”

● “…Now I know that angels do exist. The proof is clear to see on page 136 of your December issue…” [we don’t think that’s a halo over Sandy Nordbruch’s head!]

all school and college leavers, Knowing that they have an apprenticeship to aim for could help counteract the feeling that studying at school is pointless. This is even more important in households where no one has been in work for many years.

As Charlie says, you’ll show kids that “work is rewarding” and, while challenging, “you can have a laugh”.

Catherine Comfort, Hertfordshire

I have to disagree with Charlie Mullins about housing estates. I grew up on the St Martins Estate in Birmingham—it was opened towards the end of the Second World War, and the planners had clearly thought about the children. There were logs, tunnels, a maze, monkey bars and a football pitch. Crime was low, and the council used to run clubs.

Last year we had a reunion, and although the estate has been redeveloped into smart houses, about 100 of us walked

the perimeter of the old estate Afterwards, we talked to some residents in a local bar, and we didn’t hear a single bad word about the place. I enjoyed growing up there.

Terence Kight, Nottingham

those simple things “Life’s Little Pleasures” got me thinking about the things that make a difference to me. For some reason, I really love it when you order something online and it arrives quicker than expected. More often, it’s the other way round!

Aimee Hopkinson, West Lothian

There’s a nature trail and a beautiful man-made lake a mile from my flat. Walking there is so peaceful, even though it’s close to the noise of the city. When I get back, I soak my feet in a bowl of warm water. Bliss!

Kevin Halls, Coventry

RD: Please send your Little Pleasures to readersletters @readersdigest.co.uk

tweet of the month

Dave McAlister @dpmcalister

Well, that’s a blast from the past! Just spotted my old squadron leader’s face in @rdigest.*

*Winston Forde appears in “Christmas Past, Christmas Future” in our December issue

you’re still talking about…

Ian Price’s Maverick article advocating a four-day week

● Having a day free to devote to family, exercise, study or volunteering would certainly make Britain a happier, healthier and more productive nation.

Donna Roskell, Hampshire

● It’s not so simple to say that a fourday week leads to a perfect work-life balance. When it comes to teaching, there’s also all the hidden work that takes up evenings and weekends, not to mention holidays.

Cynthia Thomas, Reading

● The benefits of a four-day week seem very clear to me. But you’d have to change the whole mindset of the people of this country—we should be working to live, rather than living to work. By email

AR

Film R A D

YOUR SHORT, SHARP GUIDE TO MARCH

IN CINEMAS

Robot and Frank This is a perplexing little film. Is it a buddy movie, a crime thriller or a serious meditation on the perils of growing old? I’m tempted to say that it’s all three.

lives five hours away, he needs some social care a little closer to home. It comes in the form of a cooking, cleaning robot.

Langella is a Author and BBC2 Review Show critic Natalie Haynes on the new releases

Frank Langella plays one of the title roles (I’ll let you guess which), a retired, increasingly forgetful cat burglar. As his daughter Madison (Liv Tyler) is o travelling and his son

Once Frank realises that his get well. But can they last heist? And what

Once Frank realises that his high-tech new companion’s moral code is almost as shaky as his own, they get on rather well. But can they really pull o one last heist? And what will happen if they get caught?

Langella is a ►

delight—grumpy, amoral and intensely fragile. And the robot? He’s not so bad either.

Now where did I put that painting?

READER RADAR

Trance Danny Boyle (inset, far right) boosted his position from mere Oscar-winning director to official National Treasure with the Olympics’ opening ceremony last year. Now he’s back at his day job, and he’s lost none of his flair. Not only that, but he’s reunited with scriptwriter John Hodge, who penned Shallow Grave and Trainspotting.

James McAvoy works at an auction house and joins a gang

of crooks to steal a painting. Only trouble is, he forgets where he’s hidden it, and the thieves realise they’re going to need the help of a hypnotherapist to find their prized possession.

A pulpy thriller is just what I want after all the recent worthy Oscar hopefuls, and Boyle is the man to deliver the goods. So settle in for a tricksy plot, but pay attention: not everything is what it appears to be.

AND NATALIE’S PICK OF THE DVDS

Amour

Devastating exploration of love and ageing from Austrian director Michael Haneke.

The Master Joaquin Phoenix gives an incredible method performance in this Scientologyinspired drama.

Robert McNeil, 63, former Home Office civil servant

WATCHING:

8 Out of 10 Cats (Channel 4)

The team captains, Sean Lock and Jon Richardson, are so clever and funny.

READING:

Exit Music by Ian Rankin

I’ve always identified with Rankin’s Rebus Edinburgh-based detective novels, as I grew up in the Scottish borders.

ONLINE:

rightmove.co.uk

An easy, relaxing way to look at property and dream about moving from Buckinghamshire to a mansion…in the Scottish borders.

LISTENING:

The Proclaimers

They’re not new, but I saw them live recently and they were just so good.

James McAvoy in Trance

Music

BBC 6

Music’s Stuart Maconie’s pick of the recent releases

People, Hell and Angels by Jimi Hendrix Think, well, Jimi Hendrix. There’s some debate about how “new” this “new” album is. The label, understandably, is billing it as a “dozen previously unreleased Jimi Hendrix performances”. But devotees are saying that they’ve mostly been available before on various collections down the years. Either way, as a grab bag of obscure and unheard tracks of indisputably high quality, this is a fascinating set.

Old Yellow Moon by Emmylou Harris and Rodney Crowell Think a ghostly shiver from California and Texas past. Any duet featuring

Emmylou Harris and a yearning male collaborator is bound to recall, with an eerie sweetness, her work alongside Gram Parsons, country rock’s great lost pioneer, who died of a drug overdose in 1973. But Emmylou and Rodney Crowell have form too: first working together in 1975 with the Hot Band. This gorgeous collection evokes bygone days in a contemporary fashion, and showcases Harris’s dazzling, demure soprano.

Arc by Everything

Everything Think if King Crimson had wanted to be One Direction. Tricky time signatures; jagged melodies; a soaring, jumpy male soprano singing about “the hollowest cheeks in the county”: on the face of it, Everything Everything are far too awkward a proposition to make it big. But that’s just what they’re doing, as you’ll know if you’ve tried to get a ticket to see them recently.

Arc follows where Mercurynominated debut Man Alive left off, marrying pop nous to musical adventurism with élan. Their success is a heartening thing.

Technology expert, BBC 5 Live presenter and Answer Me This! podcaster Olly Mann reveals the latest must-haves

ALSO ON OUR RADAR…

March 1–10

Words by the Water literary festival, Keswick, Cumbria

March 12

New David Bowie album released

March 15

Comic Relief

Red Nose Day

March 31 Easter Sunday

Gadgets

This month, Olly picks his not-yet-for-sale highlights from the recent world-leading Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas

SONY 4K OLED TV We gadget geeks have seen 4K tellies aplenty (four times the pixels of HD). And we’ve ogled OLED TVs (ultrahigh-quality colour). But both technologies in one 56-inch unit? It’s the future! Sure, only a few films are currently high-grade enough to watch on it—but that’s what the cynics used to say about HD...

SAMSUNG T9000 FOUR-DOOR REFRIGERATOR

This top-end fridge freezer enables users to adjust the temperature of the bottom compartment. So, it can supply extra storage when you overstock on fruit one week, but will transform into a freezer box when you hit Iceland hard the next. Clever.

VUZIX M100 GLASSES

Derived from military technology, this lightweight wearable screen sits in front of your eye and syncs with your smartphone. Just glance up to read content (a scrolling text message, say), while you’re on the move. Released next year.

HAPILABS HAPIFORK A “smartfork” that vibrates if you take a gobful less than ten seconds after the last one, to try to make you eat slowly. Will it reverse the obesity epidemic? Er, no, I’m a grown-up and I’ll shovel in grub as fast as I like, thanks. But kids will find it fun.

TARGUS TOUCH PEN

If you’ve just upgraded your laptop to run on Windows 8, but it doesn’t have a touchscreen, you’re not fully benefiting from the latest software. So, as a cheap solution, Targus’s receiver clips to the side of your screen and tracks the movements of a stylus pen.

Sport

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up

Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month’s action

Melbourne Grand Prix, March 17

Another season of logo-splattered thrust and counter-thrust, vroom and counter-vroom, whinge and counter-whinge, begins in Oz.

Around the world, people will once more set aside their Sunday afternoons for a nice long snooze in front of the telly, dozing away contentedly to the comforting sounds of The Environment taking one for the team and commentators battering on about arcane engineering technicalities.

German wheel-whizz Sebastian Vettel is favourite to zoom to another title, providing he doesn’t suffer RSI from waggling champagne bottles around.

World Cross Country Championships, Bydgoszcz, Poland, March 24 It should be competitively fought this year, as there seem to be an unusually high number of very cross countries in the world.

Syria will be particularly hard to beat, while America —even in its quadrennial

post-election simmering-down period—is always a contender.

New Zealand v England Test Series, March 6–26

England’s Ashes-dominated Test year begins with three games Down Under. They should win at least two of them, as the Kiwis’ batting recently proved as robust as a cowardly poppadom against South Africa. Seamer Tim Southee will seek to exploit our boys’ weakness against the swinging ball. But it’s a weakness shared by New Zealand, so Lancastrian swing-maestro James Anderson will be licking his lips like a lion on a date with an unusually forward zebra.

World Short Track Speed Skating Championships, Debrecen, Hungary, March 8-10 Greyhound racing on ice. Without the dogs. Or the rabbit. A heady cocktail of (a) high-speed racing on a track of logistically inappropriate size and surface, or (b) people falling over? Scientists think that (b) is, probably, causally related to (a). n

YOU COULDN’T MAKE IT UP…

¶ While training a new starter in my shop, I saw two customers picking up goods and glancing furtively towards us.

“We should watch those two scru y individuals,” I whispered to my trainee. “They’re just waiting for the chance to steal.”

“That’s OK,” he said. “It’s my mum and gran waiting for me to finish work.”

Pam Walker, Northumberland

¶ A friend who’s fond of classic vehicles was waiting at a tra c light when an antique motorcycle pulled up alongside. But as the rider came to a stop, the bike suddenly toppled over.

“Are you all right, mate?” my friend cried out.

Looking up sheepishly, the man replied, “I’m OK, thanks. I forgot that I’d removed the sidecar this morning.”

Sean Roets, Belfast

¶ In the run-up to half-term, I asked my young daughter what her teacher was doing for the holidays. The reply— going to the pub for a week —rather surprised me, so I

“…and the bulk of my estate to be distributed among my Twitter followers”

¶ RETURNING HOME FROM A WRITERS’ CONFERENCE in London, where the social networking afterwards got a bit boozy, I realised on arriving at my local station that I wouldn’t be able to drive my car, which I’d parked nearby. I decided to sleep o the excess alcohol in the back of my vehicle.

Imagine my embarrassment when, in the early hours of Sunday morning, I awoke to find myself in a car-boot sale, surrounded by bargain hunters rummaging through boxes of CDs, books and bric-a-brac. This awkwardness was compounded when I had to ask the two traders either side of me to move their paraphernalia so I could drive away (rather too slowly). I was cringing all the way out of the car park and back home!

Lena Walton, Surrey

resorted to further questioning.

“Is she going by herself?”

“No.”

“Who’s she going with?”

“Chuck.”

Then the penny dropped—she was visiting the Czech Republic.

Jennifer Thompson, Cheshire

¶ A neighbour was expecting a visit from his brother. When he heard a knock on the door, he leaped out of his chair, rushed over to the door and waggled his fingers through the letter box. He then stuck his lips through the gap and shouted, “Well, hellooh!” in a high-pitched voice.

Chuckling to himself, still on his knees, he opened the door… and saw the stunned postman.

Hayley Wellock, Powys

¶ I was staying with a friend on the night of a ball. When our escorts arrived, we ran down the stairs to meet them, but my friend’s lovely dress caught on a nail and tore. We were aghast,

¶ ON THE TRAIN THE OTHER DAY, I noticed a young man get up, reach for his backpack and proceed to put on his bike gear. It took him a good while to get on

“Sorry, I’m still just getting holding music”

but her dad told us not to worry.

Rushing o , he returned three minutes later with a hammer to bash the nail back in.

Kate Greenway, Dorset

WIN £70 FOR YOUR TRUE, FUNNY STORIES. EMAIL

excerpts@ readers digest.co.uk OR GO TO facebook. com/readers digestuk

¶ My daughter was in a public toilet when the person in the next cubicle called out, “Hello!”

Not wanting to be rude, she replied, only to be asked how she was doing. Feeling a bit silly, she said, “I’m doing well. And you?”

There was a long pause before the lady remarked, “Hang on, hun, I’ll call you later. Some nutter keeps replying to me.”

Ambareen Hasan, Birmingham

his high-visibility jacket, his trouser protectors, his gloves and his helmet, and to find his lights. He looked very professional.

Just as we pulled into the station, an old guy next to

him—who’d been watching this whole production closely—stood up, tucked his trousers into his socks, and got o the train in front of the young man.

Fiona McGarry, Hampshire ■

Fancy winning great prizes?

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Word poWer

harry mount gets into the swing of the sixties

The changing nature of society in the Sixties was illustrated 50 years ago this month, when John Profumo (above), secretary of state for war, denied in the Commons having had an a air with model Christine Keeler (inset). How many words, popular in that era, do you know? Answer A, B or C.

1 blitzed n A extremely tired B taken by surprise

C drunk

2 fuzz n A lawnmower

B wild anger C police

3 fi nk n A professor

B informer C cigarette end

4 beatnik n A Russian astronaut B artistic rebel

C cold night

11 hepcat n A burglar

B jungle C stylish musician

12 soixante-huitard n

A hard worker

B Parisian revolutionary

C merchant banker

13 kybo n A type of dance B lavatory C style of music

5 kibosh n

A nonsense B cold meat

C learned book

6 pad n A car B flat

C item of clothing

7 deconstruction n

A allergic reaction

B type of literary theory

C car engine

8 scuzzy adj A thickly layered B disgusting

C slow-moving

9 dude n A fashionable person B chewing gum

C varnish

10 trepanation n

A extreme fear B long

meditation C drilling a hole in the skull

14 narc n A drugs

official B local magistrate

C high court judge

15 bogart v

A to deep-fry B selfishly keep something C split up with someone

A word is born: Drunch

From drink plus lunch: a lunch with cocktails, where the guests are encouraged to stay on well into the evening.

RD Rating Useful? 6/10

Likeable? 7/10

OUR COVER STAR SUE PERKINS’S FAVOURITE WORD? “Tmesis”, which means the injection of one word into another (“abso-bloody-lutely” is one example).

9–11 getting there

12–13 impressive 14–15 word-power wizard!

Why Protocol?

Word poWer ansWers +=

1 blitzed C drunk. “I was so blitzed last night.” German (abbreviation of blitzkreig, a sudden military attack).

2 fuzz C Police. “The fuzz caught the Great Train Robbers in the end.” Dutch.

3 fink—B informer. “The fink will rat on you.” Possibly from German finch.

4 beatnik B artistic rebel. “The beatniks were into poetry.” A combination of the Russian suffix -nik (as in sputnik) with the Beat Generation.

5 kibosh A nonsense. “Ghosts? Utter kibosh.” First used by Charles Dickens in 1836.

6 pad—B

flat. “Come over to my pad.” From “bachelor pad”, a flat in which a single man lives.

7 deconstruction—B type of literary theory. “Jacques Derrida promoted deconstruction.” French déconstruction (taking something apart).

8 scuzzy B disgusting. “My clothes got really scuzzy at the festival.” Abbreviation of disgusting.

Protocol means a formal code of behaviour, particularly for royal and diplomatic occasions. It originally came from the Greek protos, meaning first , and kolla, meaning glue. In late Greek, protokollon was the first sheet glued to the front of a manuscript. It was then used particularly to describe an amendment to an international agreement—and, finally, the behaviour expected at international meetings

9 dude A fashionable person. “John Lennon was a real dude.” German dialect dude (fool).

10 trepanation C drilling a hole in the skull. “Some hippies thought trepanation would free the mind.” Greek trupe (hole).

11 hepcat C stylish musician. “The jazz clubs were full of hepcats.” From hep, a version of hip, and cat.

12 soixante-huitard—B Parisian revolutionary. “The soixante-huitards were

Play WP online: go to readersdigest. co.uk/wordpower

behind the demonstrations in Paris in May 1968.” French soixante-huit (68).

13 kybo B lavatory used when camping. Australian slang (an acronym for Keep Your Bowels Open).

14 narc A drugs official. “The narcs came down hard on the festival.” Abbreviation of narcotics officer.

15 bogart B selfishly keep something. “Don’t bogart those sweets.” American, often associated with Humphrey Bogart and his selfish role in the film The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. n

No matter how close you get, you won’t see TENA

TENA. Designed to disappear.

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IN THE FUTURE…

...we’ll be exploring on a budget, says Gary Rimmer

Search engines

By purchasing research supplies over the internet, “garage scientists” conduct research into everything from biotechnology to fusion in their own homes. However, while such scientists have identified planets using star-map data and cities engulfed by the sea using Google Earth, costs mean they can’t do much actual research in space or the oceans. But this may be changing.

Probes for peanuts: Nasa’s mini satellite during a balloon test

A crowd-funded underwater exploratory vehicle called OpenROV, which operates at 300 feet, can now be bought for about £500. Meanwhile, Nasa have developed a

Hot air rising

mini satellite built around an android phone costing just £2,000 (a pair of Danish “garage rocketeers” are creating their own manned spacecraft that might just be used to launch it). By 2030, the term “private space” may mean something very di erent.

Canadian engineers plan to build a generator that runs on “tornado energy”. Air warmed by waste heat from a power plant is blown at an angle into the bottom of a hollow cylinder. This creates a controlled tornadolike e ect that can spin other turbines to create more electricity. The temperature di erence between top and bottom feeds the vortex by sucking in hot air.

As an add-on to power stations by 2025 perhaps, a 130-foot-tall vortex could generate 200 megawatts of electricity from waste heat from a 500-megawatt power plant. There would be no CO2 emissions, and it’s safe—turn o the air supply and it stops.

Batty medicine

Some bat species live ten times longer than rats, which researchers believe may be linked to their ability to fly. Flight requires huge amounts of energy, which produces toxic by-products that should cause serious tissue damage or even cancer. But bats, the only mammals that take to the skies, have evolved DNA repair genes that supercharge their immune system. Understanding why may help us design new anti-inflammatory and anticancer drugs by 2020. ■

Tornado energy

INSTANT EXPERT

Harry Mount reveals the facts behind the news

Sparks are flying as our inflation-busting fuel bills continue to rise. But why has electricity got so expensive—and could there be a way to reverse the trend?

Why are electricity bills so high?

The simple answer is that, with three cold winters in a row, electricity usage has been unusually high. Not only that, but the big six energy suppliers all raised their prices way above inflation in December, leading to a 3.9 per cent increase in electricity prices, and a 5.2 per cent rise in gas bills. And there had been an even steeper price rise in August.

What are the main costs of electricity?

There are two parts to the cost of your electricity bill.

The first is the cost of generation by the companies that create the electricity in the first place—whether from coalpowered plants, nuclear power stations, natural gas or renewable energy sources, such as wind power, solar power and hydroelectric dams.

Is there a green element to electricity costs?

although that’s expected to increase

Yes. The Climate Change Act of 2008 committed the Government to reducing carbon emissions by at least 80 per cent by 2050, and at least 26 per cent by 2020. Now, the maximum wind power capacity is 5.5 gigawatts—substantially less than ten per cent of the total— although that’s expected to increase to 32 gigawatts by 2020.

Then there’s the cost of distribution, levied by the operators and owners of the system that delivers electricity to your house. Both parts, of course, also include healthy profit margins for the companies concerned. healthy profit margins for the

Because wind power is more expensive and less reliable than coal-fired and nuclear power, that increase in cost is reflected in your bills. Even David Kennedy, head of the Climate Change Committee, has acknowledged that energy bills

David that

The Price of Electricity

£300

The average annual di erence between the cheapest and dearest domestic fuel deals available

could rise by £100 a year by 2020 to pay for the increased costs of green power. From this April, the Government will also collect a new carbon tax from nondomestic users on electricity that comes from fossil fuels.

How is wind power transferred to the national grid?

The kinetic energy of the wind is converted by the turbine into rotational energy, which is in turn converted into electrical energy by a generator. Before this electrical energy can be transferred to the national grid, it needs to be transformed from variable voltage to mains voltage— which is done using rectifiers and inverters.

There are also some private domestic turbines. These first produce energy for the homeowner—and then any excess, particularly at night or at very windy moments, is transferred to the national grid.

Is there any chance of electricity coming down in price?

For some people, the great hope for a new cheap energy source is fracking—where water, sand and chemicals are pumped into shale rock formations to force out natural gas. A large quantity of shale gas has been found beneath the Pennines and under the sea o the Lancashire coast.

Fracking is controversial —not least because it

tremors near Blackpool in 2011. But in America it has led to a decline in energy costs, and its supporters hope it will have the same e ect here if British shale gas fields prove as extensive and easy to get at. ■

Coming to a field near you soon?

A fracking mine in Wisconsin

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Stuart Lancaster IF I RULED THE WORLD

Stuart Lancaster became head coach of the England Rugby Football Union in March 2012, having played for and been director of rugby at Leeds. Earlier in his career he was a PE teacher in Wakefield. He guided England to second place in the 2012 RBS Six Nations and a historic three away wins.

I’d make everyone much more positive. You only get one chance at life—I don’t understand people who live theirs feeling unfulfilled and fed up.

When you’re building teams, you look for people who will add something to the mix and lift everyone else’s spirits. You want people around you who have the right attitude and inspire you to greatness. one negative person can bring everyone down, and it’s the same in life. If we were all more positive, we’d be much happier and more productive. You can decide to be cheerful—just smile a bit more!

I’d make sure every child under the age of ten had a fantastic sports or outdoor adventure experience. Sport is great—not just because it’s enormous fun, but also because of the life skills it teaches. If people have a bad

time with PE when they’re young, it can have an impact on them all their lives. They might never realise what sport can offer them; it’s a great shame.

taking the England management

So many of the good times I’ve had and the people I’ve met have come through sport. My life would be much poorer without it. I’m taking the England management team white-water rafting because bonds will be built while we’re there, much more so than if we all sat in a room with a flip chart. Yet some kids never do anything like that. They spend all their time indoors watching TV and playing on their PlayStations.

I’d make everyone go on a journey across the US. I did it as a student, taking a gap year with a group of friends, and it was fantastic. Travelling took me out of my comfort zone and taught me a bit about the world. Even the fear you have of travelling in a foreign country is good for you—it’s brilliant to conquer your fears.

The uS is a great country, and so diverse. later in life, you might go on holiday to florida or to New York on a business meeting, but going on a full

journey right across the States is unbeatable. Travel really does broaden your horizons and allow you to see another side of life.

I’d offer free hospital treatment to everyone in the world so that everyone could go to hospital without worrying about whether they can afford it. I’d like to banish disease entirely, but obviously that wouldn’t be possible!

Everyone would have to live by the sea for at least a little while, to enjoy the relaxation it offers. There’s nothing quite like looking out and seeing the water or hearing the waves crashing on the rocks to calm and soothe you.

I’d teach everyone that you can always be the person you want to be. Your past doesn’t have to direct your future. If you’re wishing you were a train driver, hairdresser or pilot, you can do it! I was a PE teacher who wanted to become a coach; now I’m coach of the England rugby team. If you really want something and are prepared to work hard, you can have it. I didn’t play international rugby, so I had to earn credibility in other

If you’re wishing you were a train driver, hairdresser or pilot, you can do it!

ways, like being a good people manager and trying to inspire and motivate my team. I’m glad I realised that, just because I hadn’t been an international player, it didn’t mean I couldn’t be an international coach.

I’d make the flights to Australia only 30 minutes long. It’s a beautiful country, but it takes so long to get there. It’d be lovely if you could step onto a plane for half an hour and step off in Sydney, Brisbane or Melbourne, stay for the day... and then fly back.

I’d make people understand the true value of loyalty. It’s important for trust between people. I take the rugby players and coaches to meet soldiers— when you hear about how they know that the person next to them might be the one who has to save their life, you realise what real loyalty is.

The RBS Six Nations continues with matches on March 9, 10 and 16

It’s always a very important factor for me in picking players to play for England. Will they be there for their teammates? You can be a great individual with lots of flair, but rugby—and life—are team games. Will you be loyal to people on your team? ■

As told to Alison Kervin

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reasons to be cheerful

28. Turning the tables

James Brown reflects on one of the joys of his teenage years —and also one of the frustrations

Despite being 47, I’ve just been told that I’m “too young” to get in somewhere. It’s a phrase I haven’t heard for 30 years, and I feel exactly the same frustration I did when I was 13 and wanted to see U2 at The Warehouse in Leeds. It’s also a phrase I thought I’d never hear again—packed away in my teenage years alongside the Army & Navy Stores combat trousers and a T-shirt of Ronald Reagan with Hitler’s moustache and fringe. The somewhere in question is the over50s table-tennis club at the Britannia Leisure Centre in Hackney, London— and here’s how it happened.

As a kid I was quite good at table tennis and, until I was 13, played for a club, regularly beating grown men from works teams. Then, after neglecting the game for decades, I recently met the great Sunday Times editor and author Sir Harold Evans. In his youth, Sir Harold was a top player and took part in the 1948 English Open championships. Now 84, he still plays daily—although sadly no longer with

his regular opponent Marty Reisman, the former US Champion who died in December. (The two men even invented a new bat together.)

This meeting and my son’s interest in the sport prompted me to take us both down to the local sports centre to an actual organised club. Before then, we’d been booking into the gym near his school and just playing each other, but it was starting to seem better if I found someone else to coach him. After all, he’s at that age where he’s decided it’s best to do everything his way rather than listen to me.

The club we found is run by a guy called Chris, a former Top 50 ranked British player who now works with the fire service and coaches table tennis by night and at weekends. He cycles across the East End of London every day, a giant African man on a fold-up bike, bringing his enthusiasm for the sport to everyone from kids to seniors.

In the first session at his Saturday club I won a few games against an array of opponents. You win, you change tables. It was the first time I’d played any proper competitive table tennis for 35 years, and I could feel some serious creaking in my substantial midriff. An observer might have compared my topspin to a fat man throwing the discus. I was rusty,

but after a while some of the old instincts started kicking in.

I was comfortable moving up the tables. But then I came up against Andrea, who in three very close games beat me three bloody nil. Table tennis is very much like chess—there’s just two of you at the table, and a lot of it depends on dominating your opponent. Andrea was a determined-looking lady whose kit suggested to me that she took her life quite seriously. Her crazy backspin service, which involved

flinging her leg up into the air almost to table level, was virtually impossible to counteract.

I was quite relaxed about losing a few games after winning a lot of them (it’s good to be grounded like that), but I did want to work out how to return that serve. I figured she might like another match at another time, but she said she just didn’t have room in her packed weekly schedule. She then mentioned another club—“but you’re too young to get in”, she added. It ►

I imagined trying to look older, much as I’d done when I gave myself a mascara moustache and borrowed a leather jacket to see Carrie ‘‘ ’’

felt like rubbing salt into the wound. Also, how the hell could I not be allowed in because of age?

Obviously I tried lying, but she knew I wasn’t 50. I imagined going to the club trying to look older, much as I’d done when I gave myself a mascara moustache and borrowed a leather jacket to see Saturday Night Fever and Carrie in the 1970s. The trouble is, I couldn’t help thinking that I’d look like John Cleese and Terry Jones dressed as grannies in Monty

Python. So I’ll bide my time and live with the pain of age-related exclusion instead. I’ve also started taking a few lessons with Chris and my son at the English Table Tennis School in Bethnal Green.

Revenge will be sweet—even if I have to wait until 2015 to have it. n

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: “We can’t concentrate, why should you?” You can follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown. ◄

budding authors, take a boW

This short tale was submitted to our 100-wordstory contest, along with thousands of others. We’re featuring a commended story in the magazine every month. We’ll announce the winners of this year’s contest in our May issue.

submitted by Claire garnett, oxfordshire

oCd

100 words to my story. Five words in each sentence. Everything has to be perfect. Everything must add up right. This is my life story. My life in 100 words. This is how I live. No-one understands how I suffer. Branded a freak by others. Labelled insane by the rest. I’d do anything for help. I’d do anything for normality. People always laugh at me. Counting my steps out loud. Three steps forward, two back. This is all I know. My whole life, the same. Why am I this way? 100 words to my story. Five words in each sentence.

Claire says: “I’ve always had a vivid imagination, but I’d never really thought about taking my creative writing further until my dad showed me your competition. I’m used to waffling on and on, so initially I found the word limit a challenge. Then I thought about limiting every sentence to just five words—because I’d recently studied obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in psychology, and I finally had a scenario where this would be acceptable.”

Claire will receive a cheque for £70

RAYMOND GUBBAY presents THE VERY BEST OF

CELEBRATING 25 YEARS

PUCCINI O soave fanciulla SOUSA Liberty Bell March

ORFF O Fortuna RAVEL Bolero

JENKINS Benedictus from The Armed Man COPLAND Fanfare for the Common Man

ROSSINI William Tell Overture STRAUSS Blue Danube Waltz

VERDI Grand March from Aida HANDEL Hallelujah Chorus

NESSUN DORMA RULE, BRITANNIA! LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY JERUSALEM 1812 OVERTURE WITH THUNDERING CANNONS AND INDOOR FIREWORKS

ROYAL PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA

ROYAL CHORAL SOCIETY (Thurs & Sat)

LONDON PHILHARMONIC CHOIR (Fri & Sun)

JOHN RIGBY conductor PAUL O’NEILL tenor SARAH REDGWICK soprano

FANFARE TRUMPETERS AND BAND OF THE WELSH GUARDS (Thurs & Sat)

FANFARE TRUMPETERS AND BAND OF THE ROYAL ARTILLERY (Fri & Sun)

MUSKETS AND CANNONS OF THE MOSCOW MILITIA DURHAM MARENGHI lighting designer

Thurs 14 & Fri 15 March 7.30pm - Sat 16 & Sun 17 March 3.00pm & 7.30pm ROYAL ALBERT HALL

From Bake O to borzois, sue Perkins talks about her new sitcom role as a vet and how she became an unconventional star

‘‘

‘‘i’m a sort of aberrant black sheep

It may alarm you to learn that TV’s latest vet describes her knowledge of animal physiology as “seriously limited”. Sue Perkins is the doting owner of two beagles, Pickle and Parker, “so I’m used to dealing with vomit and faeces. But could I perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on a choking cat? God, no!”

By dapHne

Just as well that Heading Out—her self-penned new BBC2 sitcom in which she plays 40year-old animal doctor Sara— will be judged on the jokes rather than her ability to, say, take a hamster’s temperature with a rectal thermometer.

“I set the show in a vet’s surgery because it’s got to be somewhere, and you do get a big range of believable characters using vets—anyone can own a gerbil. But it was mooted that I do some research, and I sort of forgot about that bit. We did have a veterinary nurse in attendance when we filmed the opening scene where Sara puts a cat to sleep, though. She talked me through exactly how it’s done.

“If I’m honest, killing a cat is quite a brave way to start a sitcom, don’t you think? Although, of course, no animals were actually hurt in the making of Heading Out.”

But they were a little bit humiliated at times, Sue admits. Sara’s own cute but hapless terrier, Popsy, is decked out as a French onion seller by the vet’s visiting Gallic ex-lover. “That dog wears a stripy tee shirt and a beret like you wouldn’t believe!” Sue laughs.

There’s also the episode in which Mel Giedroyc—Sue’s presenting partner on BBC2’s The Great British Bake Off — appears as the wife of a Russian oligarch. “She has a pedigree borzoi that she wants to put out to stud, but it’s impotent. So she offers me a huge amount of money to somehow get it ‘excited’. It’s difficult

because borzois are very timid, dignified dogs. So when this poor thing came on set I felt really sorry for it.”

Sue raises an expressive eyebrow above her trademark specs in sympathy or irony, or both. In the early days of her TV career—presenting Channel 4’s lateNineties series Light Lunch with Mel— her slightly unconventional looks could occasionally be an issue.

“I can remember a two-hour meeting about what should be done with my unibrow,” she says. “But times have moved on and for every stunning Tess Daley on the screen, there’s now room for a speccy weirdo like me. I’m also more confident,

Who let the snake out? With co-star Nicola Walker in new sitcom Heading Out

so these days if someone brought up [my appearance] I’d be likely to say, ‘Isn’t there something a bit more interesting we could be talking about?’ ”

Meeting her today at her publicist’s London office, she does indeed seem beautifully at ease with herself. She’s dressed super-casually in jeans and black jumper—the outfit she wore, no doubt, while walking the dogs on Hampstead Heath the same morning.

“There’s not one ounce of me that cares about the way I look,” she says, though she’s actually much prettier than she knows, with glowing skin and eyes that sparkle with intelligence.

But she has every reason to feel confident. The 43-year-old’s stock has risen like a veritable soufflé with the phenomenal success of Bake Off over the last three years. And, in Heading Out, she’s now persuaded the BBC to commission a fairly mainstream comedy with a very different twist. One of the main sources of humour in the show is that Sara is a lesbian who’s pathologically afraid of coming out to her parents.

“I didn’t set out to write something zeitgeisty,” says Sue, referring in part to the recent influx of fellow gay women, such as Mary Portas and Clare Balding, into high-profile TV. “In fact, I’ve been brewing the idea for the last ten years. But maybe the timing was right because we’re getting to that stage where, culturally, it doesn’t matter whether someone is gay or not, and maybe we should have programmes that reflect that.

“When you look at other gay dramas like, say, [Channel 4’s 1999 series]

Queer as Folk, they were set in entirely gay communities. But I wanted to write something where the central character was part of society at large, and where being gay is the same as being heterosexual. We’re all dealing with the same things—money problems, relationships, ageing. If you’re in love and it’s unrequited, that’s painful. Full stop. I also wanted Sara to be the only person in the comedy who had a problem with her sexuality. Everyone else is saying, ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake. Just get over it.’ ”

Indeed, Sue would fade out the gay issue if Heading Out gets another series.

“I think the fact that I’m gay is about the 47th most interesting thing about me, and I’d like Sara to have the same trajectory. I didn’t really intend to make a political statement with the show, but if there is one, that would be it.”

Viewers, Sue accepts, will probably assume that the show is autobiographical, but it isn’t, really.

“I do have a lot of sympathy for the character because I’ve known people

Cake heaven: Sue and a delicate trio of Bake Off stars

who’ve been in her situation. But I told my parents a long time ago and they’re very supportive. Although the thing about coming out to your mum and dad is having to admit to them that you’re having sex, which is kind of mortifying and not something you have to do if you’re not gay. Ideally, we’ll get to a point where a person doesn’t feel they have to make a statement about their sexuality at all.”

Sue’s parents haven’t yet seen Heading Out, and there’s part of her that dreads them watching anything she does. “I come from a deeply normal family, and I’m a sort of aberrant black sheep,” she laughs, before adding. “No, no, that makes me seem much more interesting than I actually am. What I hope is that they’ll enjoy it. They’ll know the character I’m playing isn’t me. But I hope it makes them laugh and I hope it makes them proud.”

Mel then ducked out of TV for a while to have her two babies, while Sue made her name as a comedy-panel-show favourite, Man Booker judge, and one half of BBC2’s The Supersizers…, in which she and food critic Giles Coren ate their way through various historical diets. She also showed her prowess as a conductor, winning the BBC2 Maestro competition, and brushed up her childhood piano skills to perform Beethoven’s Sonata Pathétique at the Cheltenham Music Festival as part of Sky Arts’ First Love series.

Sue conducts at Proms in the Park, following her Maestro success

Sue was raised in Croydon, one of three children. Her mum was a secretary, while her dad worked for a car dealership in Peckham. It was a solid lower-middle-class family, although the prodigiously bright Sue went to the independent Old Palace School for girls, then New Hall, Cambridge. She met Mel Giedroyc through the Footlights, and their friendship morphed into a comedy partnership that saw them writing for French and Saunders, then hosting Light Lunch and its early-evening version Late Lunch.

She seems to be something of a polymath, although the suggestion amuses her. “Who, me?” she says. “Not at all. Da Vinci was a polymath—an inventor, an artist, a philosopher. A proper Renaissance man. If I invented something like, say, a naval helicopter, I’d come back and claim the term for myself. But until then, I’m someone who loves conducting orchestras, opining about books and art, and clowning about a bit.”

There’s a lot of clowning about, she says, on The Great British Bake Off, thanks to her chemistry with Mel.

“We’ve known each other since we were 18, although we often act as though we’re about 12,” she says. There are some large plastic “prop” baguettes on the set, for example, that they like to whack each other with at unsuspecting moments, or they’ll look up “fart noises” on their iPhones and play them while the other is doing a link.

“We can be very, very silly,” says Sue. “But the truth is that my friendship with Mel is indescribably deep. It goes beyond friendship really, even beyond family. I can never imagine not having her in my life. I suppose the secret of such a longstanding friendship is that no matter what’s been happening in our lives, we’ve always seen each other frequently, given each other time. So we now have an emotional shorthand where each of us knows how the other feels without really having to refer to it. I love Mel very dearly.”

It’s a platonic love, of course. Sue’s longest relationship was with the artist Kate Williams, which ended early in 2012 after eight years. “It was quite seismic and unpleasant,” she says. “I left our home in Cornwall and was renting in London, and it all felt very transitory.”

But the pair remain friendly, and Kate’s parting shot to Sue was that, whatever she did, she must continue writing.

“I spent a lot of my thirties wastefully locked into thinking I wasn’t good enough. It was easier to say other people’s words or to improvise, because if it went wrong you could say, ‘Well, I did it on the spur of the moment.’ ”

The tide turned at 40, she says, just as it does, appropriately, for her character in Heading Out . “Once you’ve come through the shock and depression, you think, Hang on a minute, I don’t want to waste any more time with my head down feeling ashamed. Of what? I’m going to stop wasting time and start writing. And I’m very glad that I did.

“Besides,” she laughs. “Forty-three is the new 25, I’ve decided!” ■

» Heading Out starts this month on BBC2.

“Be Glad You’re Not Beautiful”, published in our November 1950 issue, is a stern injunction to all “plain Janes and Joes” to “stop pitying themselves”. It lists the advantages enjoyed by “average-looking individuals”:

2. They have a better chance of achieving a happy marriage.

1. They are more likely to be successful in their jobs.

4. The plain person has a better chance of ageing attractively.

With so many of today’s magazines obsessed with glamour and beauty, it’s quite a refreshing read. LOOKS

3. Conspicuously handsome people are handicapped in their day-to-day relations with others.

WEIRD SYMPTOMS

BY SUSANNAH HICKLING

stranGe Visions

if you wake in the night seeing falling playing cards or a woman floating in mid-air, you might just be having a nightmare—or it could be a sign of something much more serious…

When people are “seeing things”, it’s often Mother Nature pulling a cruel trick on them because they’re losing their sight. Doris Lines, aged 85, from Birmingham started going blind six years ago as a result of macular degeneration, the commonest cause of blindness in older people. A couple of years later, she’d wake in the night seeing flashes that looked like playing cards falling, a beautifully dressed woman floating in mid-air, men’s disembodied faces and even someone sitting on her bed.

“I went to the doctor and he said, ‘We’d better get you tested for dementia,’ ” she recalls.

But Doris wasn’t losing her mind. She had Charles Bonnet syndrome, which affects up to 100,000 people in the UK. All of them have serious eye diseases, including diabetic retinopathy, macular degeneration and cataracts. “The hallucinations are the normal response of the brain to the loss of input from the eyes,” explains Dominic Ffytche, senior clinical lecturer at the Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College Hospital, London.

The hallucinations usually fade over time, but drug treatments are available. And there’s certainly no need to suffer in silence—many people are too embarrassed to mention it to their doctor in case they react as Doris Lines’s GP did. “I know I’m not mental,” she says. “It’s frightening to have this.”

LAURIE RUBIN/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGES

A hardening of the palms can, in rare cases, give a clue to ovarian cancer, several studies have found. “We’re not sure if it’s due to toxins coming from the tumour or the body’s immune system reacting against it,” says retired Cheshire GP Dr Anne Stirling.

But doctors know that this lumpiness —palmar fasciitis—occurs when the tumour is quite advanced and subsides when the tumour is treated. It can also occur with

prostate, lung, breast and other cancers, along with non-malignant conditions such as a rare form of psoriasis. But ovarian cancer’s other symptoms, such as pelvic pain, are often too vague to detect the disease until it’s too late—one 2004 study by the Mayo Clinic in the US showed that a diagnosis was made an average of nine months after the women concerned had spotted thickening on their palms.

You’ve got dental pain, so you need to see a dentist, right? Not necessarily. Discomfort in your jaw when you exert yourself—or get a bit upset or excited— is a sign of angina, where the heart muscle struggles to get enough blood as a result of hardened, narrowed arteries. It could even signal a heart attack, especially if your toothache doesn’t subside when

even signal a heart attack, especially if you rest.

minniepauz.com. When it repeatedly

by numbness in her right arm and light

“I woke up out of a dead sleep at 4am with severe jaw pain,” posted one 49-year-old woman on US health website minniepauz.com. When it repeatedly disturbed her sleep and was later joined by numbness in her right arm and light pressure in her chest, her partner drove her to hospital, where doctors confirmed she was having a heart attack. “I never felt any pain other than in the jaw,” she stresses.

“The heart doesn’t have regular pain GP brain from the other pain fibres that enter so the arm, shoulder, neck, upper or

“The heart doesn’t have regular pain fibres,” explains Dr Clare Craig, managing director of online GP service thanksdoctor. co.uk. “The brain interprets the messages from the heart nerves as having come from the other pain fibres that enter the spinal cord at that point, so it feels like the pain comes from the arm, shoulder, neck, upper abdomen or face.”

Mysterious suntan

“I was very nearly black,” says Deana Kenward from Guildford, recalling a four-month period when her skin kept getting darker. “I could have passed for Tina Turner.”

Too much time in the sun? Unlikely. Deana had been nowhere more exotic than Brighton that summer. What’s more, her gums, lips, nails and the creases in the palms of her hands had also started to darken.

But Deana was rather keen on her unexplained tan and didn’t think to mention it when she went to her local surgery several times to complain about feeling tired and sick. Her GPs simply put her fatigue down to having two young children and working nights in Sainsbury’s.

It was only when her four-year-old son Daniel couldn’t wake her one morning that a hospital doctor realised Deana’s brown skin was an indicator of something serious. “If she doesn’t respond to steroid treatment, she won’t last another day,” he told her husband Roger.

Deana, the doctor concluded, was one of around 8,000 British people who have Addison’s disease. This disorder of the adrenal glands disrupts their production of cortisol and other hormones that are vital for regulating blood pressure—and Deana’s was dangerously low.

Former chancellor alistair darling might want to get checked out

Dark eyebrows with Grey hair

Luckily, she pulled through and her colour returned to normal, but the now-67-year-old has needed steroids to keep her alive since. “My very dark skin saved my life,” she says.

Addison’s makes people looked tanned in about 70 per cent of cases because the body compensates for the loss of cortisol by producing adrenocorticotropic hormone, which happens to stimulate the adrenal gland and pigment cells in the skin.

A small but pleasingly eccentric 2005 study by Dr Uwe Wollina from Dresden, Germany, came up with the eyebrowraising finding that men with greying hair and dark eyebrows were four times more likely to have Type 2 diabetes than the chaps whose above-eye hair was grey. Dr Wollina has no concrete explanation for the finding, but it may simply be that there’s some coincidental genetic link between the two conditions.

It’s certainly worth bearing in mind for anyone with a family history of diabetes. And former chancellor Alistair Darling might want to get checked out. ►

wrinkLy ears

Another sign of a dicky heart is, oddly, having diagonal creases in your earlobes, according to some researchers.

“Older people are more likely to have earlobe creases and they’re more likely to have heart disease, so the association may not be stronger than that,” points out Dr Craig. But if you’ve got furrowed earlobes, don’t dismiss it—have your blood pressure and cholesterol checked, particularly if you’re over 50.

several studies have suggested that if you enjoy munching ice regularly, you may be iron-deficient

ChewinG iCe

A lump of the cold stuff is very nice in a gin and tonic. But several studies have suggested that if you enjoy munching ice regularly, you could be iron-deficient.

LuMPs on your heeLs

No one really understands why this is the case, though it may be that it eases inflammation in the mouth caused by anaemia and the resulting lack of oxygen being transported by the blood.

common cravings among mums-to-be,

Ice is one of the most common cravings among mums-to-be, who often suffer from iron deficiency. But pagophagia, to give this odd habit its proper name, can be extreme. A 2009 study by the Kawasaki Medical School in Kurashiki, Japan, highlighted the case of one 37-year-old woman with anaemia who chomped on 30 or more ice cubes a day for 20 years.

—young people don’t tend to have could be iron-deficient.

You may think they’re just a mildly annoying hindrance to wearing strappy sandals. But fat deposits on your Achilles tendons are also symptoms of familial hypercholesterolaemia, a genetic condition—affecting around 120,000 people in the UK—where cholesterol levels may be 12mmol/l or more from birth. Doctors recommend a level of 5mmol/l or less.

Many sufferers go undiagnosed —young people don’t tend to have their cholesterol levels tested—and die of cardiovascular disease in their fifties, forties or even younger. But if you have a lump and are found to have the condition, treatment is available.

“I once had a patient in her thirties with familial hypercholesterolaemia,” says Dr Stirling, who in her 30-year career has had to interpret all manner of weird symptoms. “But putting her on statins brought her right back to normal.”

takinG tiny stePs

Several studies presented at last July’s Alzheimer’s Association International Conference in Vancouver suggested that walking more slowly and carefully could be an early sign of dementia.

The exact reasons are unclear. But, says Dr Stirling, “Walking is a complex activity that requires quite a lot of areas of the brain for coordination.” So it follows that if parts of the brain are deteriorating, putting one foot in front of the other might get that bit harder.

Unsteady walking is also a symptom of vascular dementia, which is caused by blood-supply problems to the brain, but it tends to occur when people already have other symptoms, such as poor memory or communication. People who develop Alzheimer’s, however, seem to have walking issues years before displaying other problems.

“It may be something we need to look at more as a way of diagnosing people sooner,” says Jessica Smith, research o cer at the Alzheimer’s Society. Not only might this mean that people receive anti-dementia medication earlier, it could also help further research into the disease, which is thought to be caused by amyloid proteins building up in the brain. ■

as set-jetting—visiting famous movie locations—becomes ever more popular, we choose some of our own oscar-worthy favourites ►

Best of Brıtısh

Film lo

Remember this?

A classic scene from Chariots of Fire?

by LoLa borg

cations

CHariOTs OF Fire

Filmed at West Sands, St Andrews, Scotland

The slo-mo shot of runners on the beach is one of cinema’s most memorable opening sequences. Mind you, it wouldn’t have had the same impact without the infuriatingly uplifting music by Vangelis.

The scene has even more resonance after last year’s Olympic shenanigans, and the fact there’s now a stage play of the film. The true story of British runners who competed at the 1924 Paris Olympics, Chariots of Fire won a shopping bag full of Oscars (“The British are coming!”—remember that?) and, yes, that is Nigel Havers pictured above

There’s a plaque at the beach—in rather shabby condition—marking the location today, and a section of the Olympic torch relay last year followed in its footsteps.

KiND HearTs aND COrONeTs

Filmed at Leeds Castle, Maidstone, Kent

We have an endless supply of stately homes used as sumptuous backdrops for British films—in fact, you’re hard pushed to find one that hasn’t had a visit from Keira Knightley in period dress. Then there’s this.

The blackest and most memorable of all Ealing comedies, it tells the story of a young man called Mazzini (Dennis Price) who, believing he’s been denied his rightful inheritance, systematically bumps off each member of the aristocratic family that stands in his way. Just to really show off, Sir Alec Guinness (before he was knighted or waved a lightsabre) played all eight D’Ascoyne family members, including the rabid suffragette Lady D’Ascoyne.

The moated Leeds Castle stands in for Chalfont, family seat of the D’Ascoynes, the real jewel of the inheritance—this Norman building is beautiful enough for anyone to consider murdering to live there. It was also a backdrop for Elizabeth, starring Cate Blanchett. Open daily (leedscastle.com)

sPread) CoUrtesy oF st andrews Preservation trUst

by steve CaPLin; LatitUdestoCK/getty images

Leeds Castle (not actually in Leeds, by the way)

Dennis Price (left) and Alec Guinness face off

Les MisérabLes

Filmed at the Old Royal Naval College, Greenwich, London

A location manager’s dream, says Paul Plowman of the website British Film Locations. Because of its size, versatility and sheer beauty, Wren’s masterpiece has appeared in dozens of films—anything from a Russian government building in Octopussy to the streets of 19th-century France in this year’s musical blockbuster Les Misérables. Shot almost entirely in the UK, the final stirring scene on the barricades of Revolutionary France (with easy-on-the-eye Eddie Redmayne waving a red flag) is in Greenwich, while

the opening shots of the wretched prisoners towing a vessel is No 9 Dock at Portsmouth Historic Dockyard. ►

Let them eat cake: a tea break at the Old Royal Naval College, the set of Les Misérables

The grand interior of Ely Cathedral, a dead ringer for Westminster Abbey

THe KiNG’s sPeeCH

Filmed in Ely Cathedral, Cambridgeshire

It’s always a poser—where to find somewhere to film an actual location if you can’t get the real thing. So Ely Cathedral becomes the scene of the coronation in The King’s Speech, the true story of shy, stammering King George VI (Colin Firth won an Oscar and a Golden Globe for the role), who finds himself on the throne after the abdication of his love-struck brother.

It was filmed on a shoestring budget, mostly in London— Portland Place even doubled up as the treatment rooms of speech therapist Lionel Logue. The front of the nave at Ely Cathedral (known as The Ship of the Fens, thanks to its size) stood in nicely for Westminster Abbey in a pivotal scene, where George practises his speech with therapist Logue on the eve of his coronation. In the film, there’s an exact replica of the Coronation Chair, the 14thcentury seat that’s been used for coronations since 1308.

GOLDFiNGer

Filmed at Park Golf Club, Stoke Poges, Buckinghamshire

The epic golf duel between Bond and arch villain Goldfinger was filmed at the luxury golf club Stoke Park in Buckinghamshire. Immediately after the match—which Bond wins thanks to cunning gamesmanship—

Goldfinger delivers a veiled threat by instructing his squat Korean manservant Oddjob to decapitate a nearby classical statue using some nifty frisbying with his steel-rimmed bowler hat.

Producers built a replica, so the statue can still be seen with its head intact. (Goldfinger, by the way, was named by Fleming after his loathed Hampstead neighbour, a famous Hungarian modernist architect.) The golf club is a hop from Pinewood studios, where many Bond films were shot, so it’s a handy choice of location. Sean Connery later admitted that filming at Stoke Park led to his “lifelong love affair with golf”. Casual Green Fees for golfing are available at Stoke Park for non-members, as are spa days, afternoon teas or dinner. Be sure to book in advance (stokepark.com)

Clubs at dawn: Bond and Goldfinger do battle at Stoke Park ►

briDGeT JONes’s DiarY

Filmed at Bedale Street, near Borough Market, London

The memorable final scene where Bridget runs out in the snow in her pants and cardi after Mark Darcy (Colin Firth again) near the railway lines is in fact Bedale Street, alongside Borough Market in London— although, says location manager Adam Richards, there was only one railway bridge when it was filmed and now there are two, thanks to the Crossrail extension.

WiTHNaiL aND i

Filmed in Sleddale Hall, Cumbria

The Globe pub, the unlikely setting for Bridget Jones’s flat

Bridget (Renée Zellweger) leads her hopeless singleton life in a flat above The Globe, a Victorian boozer with a curved frontage, and the street (which certainly wasn’t a desirable address back in 2001) is also the location for the shambolic fight between Darcy and Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant), even though the “Greek” restaurant where they crash through the window while scuffling in the street was actually the office of a firm of architects.

A black comedy set in 1969 and famed for its acerbic script, Withnail portrays two drink-sodden actors—played by Paul McGann and Richard E Grant (above)— who escape their London squat for a spell in the countryside, where they encounter angry bulls, threatening farmers and endless mud and rain.

Withnail’s Uncle Monty provides the country setting—his cottage in Cow Crag (a “horrible little shack”). This was shot at Sleddale Hall in Cumbria, whose recent auction made the national press—some suggested that it should become a museum for visiting fans. Residents of nearby Penrith, meanwhile, are accustomed to film buffs hunting for the non-existent Penrith Tea Rooms, where a sozzled Withnail demands “the finest wines known to humanity”.

HarrY POTTer aND THe

PHiLOsOPHer’s sTONe

Filmed all over the UK, including Alnwick Castle, Northumberland

Could we mention British films without mentioning the words “Harry” and “Potter”? He’s been responsible for a zillion tourists beating their way to Heathrow Airport and, according to Blue Badge Guide Karen Sharpe, Harry Potter simply never dips out of fashion. Indeed, the UK seems like one huge film location for the scar-faced wizard.

However, the one to see is Alnwick (pronounced Annick) Castle, which stands in for the most famous school in children’s literature. Only the exterior is used, and it features in just the first two films, but it’s the backdrop to the infamous flying lesson (above). Alnwick has wonderful gardens, including the Potter-inspired Poison Garden. They rather cash in on their fame, though, with Broomstick Training classes on offer! n

With thanks to: Empire magazine; Adam Richards, locations manager; Karen Sharpe and Linda Dyke from Blue Badge Guides; The National Trust; Visit England; and british-filmlocations.com

If you know of a location that’s been immortalised on celluloid, we’d love to hear about it. Just send us an email—with a picture if possible —to theeditor@ readersdigest.co.uk

The London Film Museum’s exhibition “Lights! Camera! London!”, devoted to famous film settings in the capital, is running throughout this year. Visit londonfilmmuseum. com for details.

Alnwick Castle, aka Hogwarts

Open to visitors from the end of this month (alnwickcastle.com)

Next moNth: pubs

What makes one human murder another? Two reformed lifers tell their stories

Peter Wynn, 49, from Merseyside, stabbed fellow bouncer Keith Thomas* in March 1995. Sentenced to life, he was released in March 2009

My dad wasn’t around much when I was growing up, and my mum couldn’t discipline six children alone. So I got into stealing and by the age of ten was in the first of several care homes—where I was physically and sexually abused. I left the care system at 16, very angry, and convinced that you had to be part of a gang to protect yourself. I got heavily involved in drugs and other crime.

‘‘The guilt is far worse than anyprison sentence”

To get away from the drugs, I moved to Eastbourne in 1991 and became part of a bouncer racket. We’d offer nightclub owners better deals than the blokes who were already doing the door, fleece the customers coming in and fight off rival gangs. We controlled three pubs. But by March 1995, another gang—led by Mike Jones*— had forced us off our doors. All my mates had left ► *Names

Eastbourne, my home had been shotgunned, and Jones’s gang had threatened me with a machete. But I wouldn’t back down and leave. I’d fight anyone.

On the day of the killing, I’d gone on a pub crawl and got drunk—I did a lot of that in those days. I was heading down to Ziggy’s nightclub to meet my sister and brotherin-law. Ziggy’s had been one of our doors, and Jones and his gang wouldn’t let us in. I just needed an excuse to kick off, so when the bouncers started hassling my sister, I waded in.

Jones punched me in the head with a knuckleduster, knocking me to the ground. Dazed and with blood all over my face, I just lost it, hitting out at the bouncers, even though there were six of them. I was like a cornered animal—afraid for my safety and my sister’s—and full of rage, railing against the enemy. It was their fault the fight started, their fault I’d lost my doors.

But in my confused state, I didn’t realise I’d picked up a small knife that had fallen out of my pocket when Jones hit me. One of the gang came down the stairs at me. We lunged at each other and he bounced off my fist. I didn’t know at the time that it was Keith Thomas—or that I’d stabbed him in the side. I then punch-stabbed Mike Jones in the bum, but it was only when people started screaming that I realised what had happened.

I’d actually stabbed someone. I wasn’t a weapons man. If I had a problem, I’d fight the guy and, whoever won, I’d go for a drink afterwards. But now I was disgusted with myself, embarrassed. The police arrived and arrested me. I didn’t even notice. The whole incident was over in five minutes.

Keith was rushed to hospital, but later that night an officer came to me in the cells and said, “Peter, do you realise you’ve just killed someone?”

I was completely out of it, traumatised by what I’d done. I even contemplated suicide. I knew Keith and his wife—they were people I’d say hello to in the street in the past.

It was only in prison that I began to work out why I’d done what I did. I’d never dealt with the things that had happened to me as a child. I became a Christian through

“When people started screaming, I realised what had happened”

the Alpha Course, and learned that a real man walks away from a fight.

Over the years, I started to share my problems, control my anger and own what happens in my life. I have someone—Jesus—who I can put my issues to before they get too big. I’ve been out of prison since March 2009, married a wonderful woman, with whom I have a young son, and recently started a job as a chef.

I give talks about my experiences to church groups, and I’m also planning on setting up a free gym in Liverpool. I want to share my story with young people who might be facing very similar problems to those I faced— to learn from my mistakes so they never have to hear the words: “Do you realise you’ve just killed someone?” As told to Crispin Andrews

Peter, now married with a young child, gives talks about his experiences

Bert Spencer, 73, from Lincolnshire, murdered his employer h ube rt Wilkes, 70, in december 1979. Six months later he was given a life sentence, and was released in 1994

I was employed as an ambulance liaison officer at Corbett Hospital in the West Midlands, but worked parttime as a labourer at Holloway House farm to top up my wages. The owner, Hubert Wilkes, was a friend, and my wife Janet was his bookkeeper and secretary.

We’d arranged an early Christmas meal at the farm on the eve of my 40th birthday. Wilkes’s daughter Jean [a 34-year-old air hostess] was there, too. I wasn’t a regular drinker, but I’d had a few whiskies at home before arriving at the farm with Janet. Wilkes was very hospitable. By 10pm, I’d already drunk half a bottle.

He could be an unsettling character and, perhaps due to the early stages of dementia, often displayed strange mood swings. He’d boasted about sexual orgies at his old farm, though I’d never taken much notice and assumed they were just unpleasant flights of fancy.

That evening, however, he kept pestering the women to drink up, offering lecherous leers in my direction. Then, while he was pouring more drinks, he looked up, gave a theatrical wink and said, “Janet, I’ve made you a special cocktail.”

In his stories, the “special cocktail” was what made “inhibitions” disappear. I don’t know if he was ever being serious but, in my drunken state, I suddenly felt disgusted and miserable. I wanted to leave as soon as possible.

I remember staggering across the lounge, heading for the downstairs toilet. Suddenly, I stumbled over a pile of boots and outdoor clothing in the dark hallway, knocking myself unconscious.

I have no idea how long I lay there, but I came round in a shadowy world, somewhere between wakefulness and dreaming—a state of mental limbo. I can’t dispute what happened next as I can’t really recall or comprehend it.

Jean was upstairs and saw me walk out to my car and rummage in the boot for a hacksaw. She looked away,

Prison shaped Bert “into a very different

person”—the painting in the background was done while he was inside

but I then went into an outbuilding, carrying a shotgun I’d picked up in the hall. Somehow, working in the semidarkness, I sawed off the barrel.

I walked back into the sitting room carrying the weapon. Janet later said that my eyes were bulging, with the iris totally visible. I strode across to where Wilkes was watching TV, raised the gun towards his temple and pulled the trigger. Then I stood still, staring around at what was to me an empty room. There was no dead body, no wife ►

Casting a shadow:

“The destruction I caused that night is something that will never leave me”

◄

staring at me in a terrified state, no sound. Even the clock seemed to have stopped ticking.

I was unaware of Jean entering the room and screaming. I just stood feebly, rooted to the spot. Janet prised the gun from my grip and I thrashed my arms around in a swimming motion. I smashed Jean in the forehead, knocking her to the ground. I was a martial-arts expert but somehow broke two of my fingers.

The women fled, Janet heading for the road near the farm, while Jean ran across fields to neighbours to

raise the alarm. I stood there alone in the house, stone deaf, with the body of my friend sitting dead on the settee, totally bewildered and disorientated, wondering how I’d managed to damage my hand. It was then I remember crying out, like a lost child, “Janet! Janet! Where are you?”

Janet had flagged down an ambulance driven by a colleague, Barrie Thomas, but was too hysterical to make much sense. So Barrie left her in the vehicle and approached on foot. I drove past, but he waved me down. “Don’t go back down the lane, Bert,” he said. “There’s a gunman about.”

I replied, “I think it’s me, Barrie.”

After 33 years of playing back bits of the incident in my head, I still can’t find any reason for what happened. The drink and blow to the head were factors, but I was also on antidepressants and anabolic steroids. They combined to create the symptoms of automatism —now a medically recognised state where the body runs on autopilot—triggered by Wilkes’s comment about the cocktail.

The destruction I caused that night to Wilkes’s family and friends is something that will never leave me. I’ve offered them my sympathy, but the guilt is far worse than any prison sentence. Hopefully, the 14 years I spent in some of Britain’s most brutal prisons gave them a sense of justice and closure.

Prison shaped me into a very different person. If anything positive can come from such a horrific ordeal, it’s that I now respect human life far more and assess carefully any response I make in any situation. I also painted in prison and built a grandfather clock, selling my work for charity. But I lost everything while I was inside, including Janet.

I settled in a small Lincolnshire village and told my neighbours about my past. They knew plenty about it already—there’d been a lot of publicity—but they said they admired me for my honesty. I ended up volunteering to drive a community bus for local pensioners. I had to retire at 70, and I miss it very much. n As told to Simon Golding

“I now respect human life far more, and assess carefully any response I make in any situation”

Seventyfive years on

Our little magazine fi rst rolled off the British presses three-quarters of a century ago. Since then, we’ve endeavoured to reflect the ever-changing concerns and aspirations of our readers. Here’s our story so far…

When a younG aMerican solider called DeWitt Wallace was injured by shrapnel in the First World War, he spent the next four months in a French hospital, whiling away the hours by poring over magazines from home.

But it gave him an idea. Returning to the US at the end of the war, he decided to produce a new kind of magazine—one in which articles from other magazines were gathered together and condensed, ►

COMPILED BY ELLIE ROSE

so that people could get the world’s best reading all in one pocket-sized place. DeWitt, 33, published his first issue of Reader’s Digest in New York in 1922, and he and his wife Lila sent out copies by post. They hoped to make $5,000. But by 1929, RD had 290,000 subscribers, an income of $900,000 a year and was the world’s most popular magazine.

And in March 1938— 75 years ago this month— the first UK edition was published. In London, 900 issues and hundreds of millions of sales later, our favourite subjects and cherished values are the same as they’ve always been: health, humour, human interest, positivity, adventure, and breaking big stories.

We published the first exposé of the dangers of smoking in 1952, and highlighted the threat of a littleknown Islamic extremist called Osama bin Laden as early as 1998. We’ve also published thousands of jokes, funny and true stories, and test-yourknowledge quizzes.

THE FIRST LAUGH

Our initial regular jokes section was called “He Who Laughs, Lasts”. It began in July 1940. Here’s one of the gags that appeared:

Mr Goldberg, returning from Europe, was assigned by the head steward to a table for two. He was presently joined by a polite Frenchman, who, before sitting down, bowed, smiled, and said, “Bon appetit.” Not to be outdone, Mr Goldberg rose, bowed, and said, “Goldberg.”

This little ceremony was repeated at each meal for three days. The Frenchman always came late, always said, “Bon appetit,” and his bewildered companion always rose and replied, “Goldberg.”

On the fourth day, Mr Goldberg confided his perplexity to a man in the smoking lounge. “It was like this, you see. This Frenchman tells me his name—Bon Appetit—and I tell him my name— Goldberg. So we are introduced. That is good. But why keep it up day after day?”

“Oh, but you don’t understand, Mr Goldberg,” replied the man. “Bon appetit isn’t his name. It means, I hope you have a pleasant meal.”

“Ah!” who arrived late for dinner. also published thousands

Here’s a selection of some of our best (and occasionally forgettable) moments.

“Ah!” exclaimed Mr Goldberg. “Thanks.”

That evening it was Mr Goldberg who arrived late for dinner. Before sitting down, he bowed ceremoniously, and said, “Bon appetit.” And the Frenchman rose, smiled, and murmured, “Goldberg.”

SOME OF OUR COVERS THROUGH THE AGES

THE POCKET-SIZED GROUNDBREAKER

We’ve broken big news stories and spotted important trends years before most of the mainstream media.

“the cliMate iS chanGinG. Such long-range records as exist indicate that an increase of from one to four degrees in mean annual temperatures has taken place…during the last hundred years.

One sign is that the North Polar ice cap has been retreating. If the temperature rise continues, much of the world will eventually be heated beyond the limits of best human efficiency.”

That Infernal Weather!,

Robert Coughlan, December 1950

“you’ve Probably never heard of oSaMa bin laden, but you should know who he is. Because this man bankrolls terror.

“Evidence points to his connection to those suspected of acts of violence, including the 1993 bombing of New York’s World Trade Centre.

“ ‘Bin Laden has plenty of man power and explosives,’ asserts Saad al-Faghi, a Saudi dissident living in London. ‘And the world has learned that when a pronouncement is uttered in the name of Osama Bin Laden, the threat is anything but idle.’ ”

This Man Bankrolls Terror, Kenneth Timmerman, August 1998

“Penicillin iS not yet available to the general public. [But] no matter how this may turn out, it’s already clear that [it] is an unparalleled weapon against death.”

The Yellow Magic of Penicillin, J D Ratcliff, September 1943

ENDURING VALUE AND INTEREST

We’ve always prided ourselves on producing articles that will be as relevant in 20 years as they are today. These extracts from our archives could have been written yesterday.

n “Encouraged by their parents, some young people spend three vitally important years studying at university —with no idea of how they will be able to use their knowledge later.”

Should Your Child Go To University?

Paul Espinasse, February 1967

n “Every mouthful you eat does you either good or harm. The secret of agelessness lies in eating intelligently, in liking to eat those foods that are good for you.

Look Younger, Live Longer, Gayelord Hauser, November 1950 D

“The ideal diet for a long life is plenty of protein (milk—especially yogurt—eggs, lean meat, lean fish, fresh cheese), plenty of fresh green and yellow vegetables, vegetable juices, fruit, fruit juices and 100 per cent whole-grain cereals and flour.”

“we need the friendShiP of [MuSliMS]. We need their willing cooperation in maintaining ourselves in their country, and we may require their active help in fighting against the common enemy. We must treat them with respect and dignity. Not to do so may make the difference between success and failure in the great undertakings now facing you and your fellow Americans.”

So You’re Going to North Africa!, a special guide for US soldiers, April 1943

we’ve carried out Several innovative StuntS that have revealed a lot about British society—and earned huge national TV and newspaper coverage.

How Honest Are We? (July 1996) revealed that Glaswegians and people from Leamington Spa were most likely to return a wallet we deliberately dropped in various town centres. December 2005’s

“The Courtesy Test: Would You Pass?” found that women and pensioners have better manners (such as opening doors for strangers and saying thank you in shops) than men and 40-somethings. While our Best Places in Britain to Bring Up a Family survey (May 2007) found that East Dunbartonshire was the perfect place to have kids, while Reading was the worst.

our Seven-year “beachwatch” caMPaiGn in the 1990s mobilised thousands of volunteers to record and clean up litter on Britain’s coastline. They removed up to a third of a million items a year, and the magazine persuaded the Government to impose higher waterquality standards on bathing beaches.

n “A vast army of gullible citizens is spending millions annually in tribute to a silly hoax. The hoax is astrology. It seems incredible that in our age of science this superstition, surviving from the dark days of mankind’s mental infancy when everyone thought the world was flat, should find believers.”

The Gigantic Fraud, Astrology, May 1938

n “People today don’t really belong to the place they live in as their grandparents did. They don’t get as much fun out of it, the kind of fun that doesn’t cost money. The result is that they find less satisfaction in life. They know they’re missing something, and can only hope that when they have more money, this something will no longer be missing.”

that ►

J B Priestley (right), writing as part of an endorsement of RD in May 1938

HINDSIGHT’S A WONDERFUL THING…

Despite all the good stuff, we were bound to come up with a few daft pronouncements.

a few weeKS aGo, i becaMe the father of a little girl…She was born the new…easy, painless, streamlined way. [It] was so easy that my wife greeted me the next morning with the statement, “Why, I wouldn’t mind having another baby next week, if that’s all there is to it.”

“Our Streamlined Baby”, J P McEvoy,

RD GOES TO THE MOVIES

We’re the world’s best-read magazine, so it’s not surprising that we frequently find our way into TV programmes and films.

n “Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington”, The Simpsons (1991)

Lisa reaches the final of a “Reading Digest” essay-writing competition and is sent on an all-expenses paid trip to the US Capital, where she uncovers a bribery scandal in the Senate.

May 1938. (It turned out the wife was given Nembutal, a drug now only used for euthanasia and capital punishment.)

Men, you May have noticed, don’t talk much about what they like about married life. This is partly because men don’t talk much—full stop. When they do, it’s usually to transfer a piece of information, such as what day they’re playing golf.

“Why Men Secretly Love Being Married”, Joel Achenbach, July 1998

Münchausen syndrome collects Reader’s Digest due to the amount of time he spends in doctors’ waiting rooms.

n “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”, Mad Men (2007)

Capital, bribery scandal

n “Harbinger”, Waking the Dead (BBC1, 2011).

A young boy whose mother has

Cigarette firm Lucky Strike seeks the advertising men’s help to counter RD’s recent article on the dangers of smoking. The episode is set in 1960, though, of course, we’d actually run “Cancer by the Carton” eight years earlier.

n Fight Club (1999)

The narrator (Edward Norton) discovers stacks of old Annotated Reader issues (which are clearly based on RD) in the basement of his dilapidated house. He reads them obsessively.

“Listen to this. It’s an article written

GoinG abroad? Guidebooks all urge you to learn a few basic phrases, on the assumption that foreigners love to hear a tourist roll his tongue round theirs. Well…the advice is cock-eyed, and if you fall for it, you’ll end up in the treacherous quicksands of phonetics. No, dear traveller, never try to speak a foreign tongue.”

“Why Wallop Yon Horse With Parachute?”, Leo Rosten, May 1967

“in the cathedral town of SaliSbury, wiltShire, a group of scientists are hot on the trail of a [cure

for] the common cold. A new substance, interferon, fights viruses. If early promise is realised, it could [produce] an injection or pill that acts swiftly against colds.”

“How Our Doctors Caught the Common Cold”, J D Ratcliff, December 1961. (The Common Cold Research Unit never did defeat its arch-enemy.)

“there are indicationS that the voGue for picture magazines may already have passed its peak.”

“Those Picture Magazines”, Jackson Edwards, June 1938

n Rear Window (1954)

Lisa, a housekeeper (Thelma Ritter): “We’ve become a race of Peeping Toms. What people ought to do is get outside their own house and look in for a change. Yes, sir. How’s that for a bit of homespun philosophy?”

Jeff (James Stewart), her employer: “Reader’s Digest, April 1939.”

Lisa: “Well, I only quote from the best.”

by an organ in first person. ‘I am Jack’s medulla oblongata, without me Jack could not regulate his heart rate, blood pressure or breathing!’ There’s a whole series of these! ‘I am Jill’s nipples.’ ‘I am Jack’s Colon.’ ”

“I am John’s …” was a regular medical section in the magazine.

n Finding Nemo (2003)

Nemo and his fishy friends seize the moment for the little clownfish to try to escape from a dental-surgery aquarium when the dentist leaves the room.

Peach: “Potty break! Potty break! He just grabbed the Reader’s Digest! We have 4.2 minutes.”

Gill: “That’s your cue, Sharkbait.”

n We’ve also been mentioned in Good Morning Vietnam, Final Destination, Scrooged and, even, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre n

Alfie Boe ‘‘I remember...’’

...MY FIRST DRUM kIT. When I was little, I had a pair of drumsticks and I used to play them on cushions to make different sounds. One day, Dad and I went to a music shop near our home in Fleetwood, Lancashire, and there was this little white, four-piece kit. My dad, who like me was called Alfred, could see that I’d fallen in love with it. I kept going back to see it through the shop window.

A week or so later, Dad said, “Come downstairs—there’s something for you in the living room.” I went down, and there it was—my little white drum kit. I’ll never forget the surge of excitement that hit me in that moment. I carried the kit upstairs and sat behind it on a kitchen stool, and

I played it constantly. I’d have loved to have become a professional drummer— but the way things turned out, the breaks came in singing.

...SINGING FOR MY FAMILY IN THE BACk GARDEN. I look back at our old cine films and there are lots of me as a kid fooling around, doing silly little dances and singing songs. You can see that I’m desperate for attention, but all my family are totally ignoring me—they’re sunbathing or drinking cups of tea, and I’m freaking out beside them. I was the youngest of nine children, so I was used to being part of a big crowd—and the great thing was that I was never criticised or put down. We were all just accepted for who we were.

...BEING SURPRISED BY A HOLIDAY. It was just before the summer break and I was having a boring day at school. I must have been about six at the time, and I was pretty fed up because I was about to have a maths lesson and I didn’t enjoy maths. We were lining up about to go into

Monkey business! Alfie hanging off the swing at home (right), and having a tea break with his dad

class, and suddenly I saw my dad, right there in the school. He pulled me to one side and said, “Come on, we’ve got to go to the dentist.”

Outside, my mum Patricia and my sister Maria were in the car. We set off but we drove past the dentist. So I said, “Why haven’t we stopped?”

And they said, “We’ve been having you on—we’re going on holiday!” And off we went to the Lake District and we had the most fantastic time. My parents were loving and warm, and they had a lot of mischievous fun in them. It’s rubbed off on me—I like to have fun with my daughter Grace, who’s nearly five. I’ll say, “You’ve got to go to school now”...and then I’ll take her to get an ice cream.

STANDING UP TO CANON COCHRANE.

I was raised a Catholic, but our local priest wasn’t the warmest

Alfie (in the pushchair) with his family on holiday in the Lake District; (right) with his mum, graduating from the Royal College of Music

of people—he ruled the parish with a rod of iron. When I was a kid, I served on the altar in church, and he used to terrify me. Then, when I was 23, I was back in Fleetwood one weekend and he wrongly accused me of something—he said I didn’t have enough respect in church. And I just saw red; outside the church I made a beeline for him and I said, “I’d never be disrespectful in church.” And he backed down. I knew then that I didn’t have to put up with injustice, and that people who’d scared me in the past didn’t have to scare me any more.

...DECIDING TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT

MY LIFE. About five years ago, I realised I had to be honest about my life. I was at an awards ceremony and an interviewer asked about my schooldays. I found myself saying school was great and I was given lots of encouragement... but I was lying through my teeth. And then the interviewer turned to Jeremy Irons, and he said he hated school and was given no encouragement at all! And I thought, Jeremy Irons is right: you have to have the courage to tell the truth about your past. You’ve got to be truthful to yourself, and since then, when I’m asked about my

There was a huge fireball and I was thrown across the room

schooldays, I tell it like it was. I didn’t like school, I wasn’t allowed to take music because I didn’t play the piano or the violin, and no one ever asked me to sing, much less recognise that I could sing.

...NOT FITTING IN.

My school focused on people who excelled academically and who came from families of teachers, and neither I nor my family fitted that profile. They looked after their own, and we were outsiders. I don’t know whether there was some prejudice towards my family as we were so big. We were definitely a force to be reckoned with and, though we were generally popular, there might have been some people who didn’t like us. The great plus for me was that I was part of this very secure group of people—I always knew my brothers and sisters were there for me, that they’d always fight my corner.

...wORkING AT A SHIRLEY BASSEY CONCERT.

I got a job as part of the stage crew at the Blackpool Opera House when I was 17, and I’ll never forget the night Shirley Bassey came to town. It was like royalty arriving—and she was royalty, musical royalty. She’s a great performer: her voice was, and still is, outstanding. I remember seeing her perform and

thinking, One day I’ll be on stage with her. And I did it! [At the 2011 John Barry memorial concert at the Royal Albert Hall.]

...ALMOST BEING BLOwN TO PIECES.

A couple of years later, I got a proper job in a sports-car factory. One day, I was working on a car; the fumes from the vehicle were supposed to go into a box and be taken out by an extractor fan. But someone had forgotten to switch the fan on, and the fumes built up and suddenly the engine backfired and exploded. There was a huge fireball and I was blown across the room. I hurt my back and eyes. But the foreman said, “Don’t be so soft!” So I just picked myself up and carried on working.

...THE CUSTOMER wHO SAID I SHOULD GO TO AN AUDITION.

I was polishing a car and singing along to the radio, when this man (who worked in the record industry) heard me and said I should get down to London and audition for D’Oyly Carte [an opera company].

I didn’t know what it was, but he said, “If you want things to happen for you, you’ve got to get out of here.” So I did.

...SLEEPING ON A BENCH IN HYDE

k. In my second year

at the Royal College of Music in 1994, I was living in terrible digs. The other students were into drugs and they never cleaned the place up...and then it flooded. I had to get out. The problem was that I had nowhere to go—so, for a week or so, I crashed in Hyde Park. It was summer, so it wasn’t too bad, but what I realised was that you can’t just go running back home when things go wrong. You’ve got to live through it and hang on until they pick up again—and they do.

...THE LAST MONTHS OF MY DAD’S LIFE.

I remember the day this picture [below] of the two of us was taken. The day before we’d brought Dad back from hospital having been told that there was nothing else they could do. He’d been ill for a long time, having tests, and they’d finally diagnosed him with a brain tumour. He was going to die. I was 24

at the time and knew this was the start of a new chapter in my life; every minute now with Dad was going to count. For the next ten months, until he died at the age of 63, I organised my work and my life around spending as much time with him as possible. On the day he passed away I was holding him in my arms, and that moment taught me the biggest lesson anyone can learn—it made me realise what life’s really all about. I felt his spirit leave his body. When my mum and my siblings left the room, I was the person who closed his eyes. I grew up in those last months with Dad—it was such a precious time, and it’s left its mark on me forever.

...THE

FIRST MINUTE OF MY SON’S LIFE. My daughter Grace’s arrival was magical—but, when my little boy came along three years later, in 2012, I was much more involved in the birth itself. The doctor gave me a cup and a gown and said, “You’re going to deliver this baby!” So I did—the only thing the doctor did was to check the umbilical cord wasn’t around the baby’s neck. We called our son Alfred, but he’s not named after me—he’s named after my dad. His birth was like going full circle; I’d said goodbye to my father, and now I was saying hello to my son.

...THE LAST NIGHT OF LES MISÉRABLES

. The role of Jean Valjean was huge for me: I performed it for about five months in the West End and, the last time I sang it there, in November 2011, was really emotional. That night, when I sang “Bring Him Home”, I sang it straight to the audience. Instead of referring to the character who was with me on the set, I stood up and walked to the front of the stage and sang out to the people

Alfie and his dad smile together despite their terrible news

watching. It was a big naughty, but it was my farewell. And the audience loved it.

...wALkING OUT ONTO THE STAGE AT THE DIAMOND JUBILEE CONCERT.

It was the biggest honour I’ve ever had—to perform in front of Buckingham Palace, on the balcony.

Stevie Wonder, Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John…and, of course, the Queen and Prince Charles. I was amazed that I’d even been considered to be there with them. It felt like an incredible moment on what’s been, for me, an amazing journey. ■ As told to Joanna Moorhead

» Alfie Boe is now on a nationwide tour, which includes shows at the Royal Albert Hall. For details, see alfieboeuk.com/diary.

75

IF YOU THOUGHT FOX HUNTING wAS BAD…

I sang “Somewhere” from West Side Story. People talk about that moment being the most memorable part of the whole weekend. I couldn’t get over the fact that I was there sharing a stage with the likes of Kylie Minogue, With Hilary Clinton stepping down as US secretary of state, it seems like a good time to recall another pioneering female official.

Clare Boothe Luce was the first American woman appointed to a major ambassadorial post abroad, and in “No More Cat-Shooting for Me”,

published in our October 1961 issue, she recounted some of her difficulties with the media. In one interview, she was asked to list her hobbies.

“I replied: ‘My hobbies? Oh, my cats, shooting and needlepoint.’ But when the interview appeared in print, the last sentence read: ‘Mrs

Luce said her favourite hobbies are shooting cats and needlepoint.’

“My office was soon flooded with letters and telegrams, most of them from indignant animallovers. But I also received letters from people who applauded me for my courage in admitting my hobby so openly.”

Left: As Jean Valjean in Les Mis and (right) at last year’s Jubilee concert

You’re back!

Four-year-old Katie welcomes home her daddy Trevor Slark-Hollis at RAF Honington, Suffolk. The flight lieutenant with 27 Squadron had just returned from a six-month tour in Afghanistan. ►

the Pictures that teLL a thousaNd JoYFuL Words

What Happıness Looks Like…

Let me at ’em!

Four legs are good, but—for retired police sniffer dog Max—two legs (and two wheels) seem even better as he chases leaves near his home in Butterleigh, Devon.

The Springer Spaniel’s owners Mike Ashwin and Anne Higgins fitted him with the canine wheelchair in 2007, after arthritis stopped the nine-year-old from walking. He eventually passed away in 2009, but, says Mike, “We’ve raised more than £3,500 in his memory to help other retired dogs, so his energy lives on. We called him Maximillion, because he really was one in a million.” ►

The real-life Toy Story

Liam and Ah-Ah the monkey had been inseparable since the little boy was a baby. Then, on a family trip to the Rocky Mountains in 2009, Ah-Ah went missing. Liam was distraught—although the family, from Nebraska, revisited everywhere they’d stopped, Ah-Ah seemed gone forever.

That is, until last autumn, when Liam’s mother was shopping online and something told her to type “blue monkey” into eBay. Up popped a familiar-looking woolly animal, which had somehow made its way to Florida. She bought it, and so created one of YouTube’s most moving reunions*, filmed by Liam’s dad.

Do you remember how we lost Ah-Ah? asks Mum, prompting a sad recollection from Liam. “Well, [he] came in the mail today,” she says, producing the toy.

“You’re kidding, aren’t you?” he wails, clinging to his lost best friend—and reducing any right-thinking viewer to a blubbery mess.

Next stop, Love

*To see the clip, search for “Ah-Ah’s back” on YouTube

It’s not often you find romance on the bus, particularly when you’re driving it. But that’s what happened to Liu King, who got chatting to regular passenger Wang Kui when she kindly stopped her vehicle to let him on after he’d just missed it. They married in May 2011, and there was no need for a limo. Instead, Liu, from Zhengzhou in China’s Henan Province, drove her friends and family to the venue in her single-decker, where Wang was waiting to carry her down the steps. “We chose to get married on the bus to remember how we got to know each other,” said Liu. ►

Just the two of us…

When Tom Robinson took a snap of his and his new girlfriend Verity Carberry’s feet as they sat on Brighton beach in summer 2005, he guessed it could be the start of something big. “Without being slushy,” says the 31-year-old photographer, “I felt Verity and I would be together for a while, so I thought the shot could be part of a series.”

Luckily, he was right. The couple are still together, and the Londoner has now taken some 100 shots of their tootsies on various holidays and at memorable events— including, in March 2010, the birth of a new pair of feet belonging to their baby Matilda (bottom right). “I want to keep taking the photos for as long as I can,” says Tom. “They make me happy just talking about them. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll have to get a wide-angle lens to fit in all our grandchildren.” n

» For more on happiness, see p.114

These feet were made for walking: Tom and Verity at (clockwise from left) Sentosa Island, Singapore; Whitsunday Islands and Blue Mountains, Australia; Machu Picchu, Peru; and St George’s Hospital, London —with new arrival Matilda

the maverick “kindles will never beat proper books”

They may be backlit and able to carry hundreds of novels— but, says novelist A L Kennedy, e-readers will only ever be an expensive and soulless fad

To be clear before we start, I’m not a technophobe. I like watching films on trains, all my relationships would be impossible without texting and many of my friends and relatives only know I’m still alive because of Twitter. The modern world decrees that we must be constantly moving and busy, but—rather like a stranger who punches you in the face, then gives you an aspirin and lets you play Tetris—at least it supplies us with widgets, gadgets and apps so we don’t die of stress and loneliness.

I’m also an avid reader living in a relatively small flat, and a fan of lightweight luggage. But I still can’t find myself at all in favour of Nook, BeBook, Kindle, Cybook or any of the other e-readers loping towards us like expensive wolves. Nor can I see them ever replacing books.

The Kindle currently leads the e-reading field and, though its sales figures are secret, they’re certainly in the millions. A regular torrent of new models and steadfastly isolationist software will sustain its growth, and that of the other devices, for a while. But readers

thinking differently!

don’t like being consumers—they like being readers—and the everincreasing rush to foist new equipment and expenses on them may mean they lose patience and go back to hard copy.

Most obviously, real books are far more attractive—take, for example, Julian Barnes’s 2011 novel The Sense of an Ending or the Folio Society’s illustrated editions. And, beyond the fact that books are vastly tactile, smell nice, carry memories and can have personal inscriptions, they’re hugely practical. You can drop a book out of a seventh-storey window. Try that with a Nook.

When have you seen a conventional book that needs a manual, loses its charger or develops technical faults?

The other advertised strengths of e-readers don’t quite measure up, either. You’re supposed to be able to read them in bright light. You can’t. They’re meant to be easy on the eye and fit in your pocket. Only if you’re a masochist with huge pockets. They let you take 500 books on holiday. What are you, a medical student ? Who needs 500 books on holiday? And when have you seen a conventional book that requires a manual, loses its charger, develops technical faults, or could do with the assistance of Nasa to delete unwanted files from the Cloud?

The idea that technology will allow corporate entities to control increasingly vast areas of our cultural heritage may

also be repugnant to the thoughtful reader who worries that his or her virtual books could be removed on a whim, or wiped by a systems failure. Those who have amassed an e-library containing more than beach reading and the athletic romps of flight attendants and Vikings will be especially concerned. And more subtly malign effects of e-publishing may repel people. As a writer, I know that work I produce on screen may look fairly presentable, until I print it out on paper...at which point it’ll be revealed as toxically bad. I’m not clear why—perhaps it’s down to subtle differences in light or the page size. But though technology is improving, bad writing born on screen, processed on screen and then read on screen can now perpetuate a kind of literary death spiral.

Meanwhile, some publishing houses are positioning themselves to profit from the virtual foolishness of selfpublishers. The promise of authors supplying both (disposable) content and cash is a huge temptation for a troubled industry, but may well disillusion readers—not least because the world already contains enough poems about cats.

Lastly, we live in an age when our consumption and carbon footprints must reduce, so that our grandchildren don’t hate us as they fight for the fattest

rat corpses in the flood waters we’ve left them as a home. It’s been estimated that computers already consume around five per cent of the world’s power. E-readers add to our tally of needy devices, incorporate a recklessly large range of materials and are hard to recycle. They’re also designed to be more rapidly obsolescent than a smartphone—which is saying something.

Screen v paper? Which side are you on?

Join the debate at facebook.com/readers digestuk or email readersletters@ readersdigest. co.uk

stock. Once you’ve read your real book, it can be easily recycled or passed on, perhaps keeping an independent secondhand bookshop in business or helping one of many charity stores.

My advice? Keep it simple. Save your heritage, save your environment, save your time—and enjoy a real book. ■

While books do initially use energy to produce, and paper manufacture can be polluting, publishers are increasingly using sustainably sourced

» A L Kennedy is a contributor to the new short-story collection Beacons: Stories For Our Not So Distant Future (£8.99). All royalties go to Stop Climate Chaos.

NO STORY IS TOO STRANGE 75

As a general-interest magazine, we love to cast our net far and wide in pursuit of interesting nuggets. But the articles we’ve published down the years are often rather eccentric in hindsight…

“THERE ARE FEW THINGS as perverse as a frog, and frog jumping is fraught with inconsistency. There is a certain dignity to a frog, however—an air of confident gravity much resembling that of an elderly banker.” (Long Odds at the Jumping Frog Jubilee, June 1966—describing a contest in which competitors attempt to mimic the jumps of a frog in an enclosed space.)

“THE SUPPER FOR COUSIN EDNA was a great success. And when it was over and everyone had had his fill, there were still large sections of fried trout on the platter.” (The Miracle of the Fish Supper, March 1981—one man’s account of cooking a fish-based meal.)

“LIKE AN ARTIST who makes order out of chaos, you have taken an unnatural, irregular, chaotic form, and from it you have sculpted an ordered, ideal shape that might be envied by Euclid.” (How to Eat an Ice-Cream Cone, July 1973—quite self-explanatory, really.)

“I DISLIKE WOMEN who promise to help but never do. I dislike untidy women. And women gossipers frankly bore me to tears.” (Women I Dislike: A Symposium, August 1940—a digest of all the most annoying female characteristics.)

gossipers

Where Did the Romans Go on Holiday?

We all know (a bit) about the gods and heroes of classical Rome, Greece and Egypt. But what was life like for ordinary people in the ancient world?

by monica porter

QWere children allowed to go to the bloodthirsty Roman Games?

A“Emperor Augustus passed a law that regulated where you sat in an amphitheatre by social rank,” says

Professor Wallace-Hadrill, director of Classics Research at Cambridge University. “Yet it made no reference to age, and

I suspect there were no restrictions. On the whole, I think youngsters would have preferred other amusements—from dolls to ball games. But there is graffiti in Pompeii showing wild animals that’s quite low on a wall, leading many to believe it was scrawled by children. This suggests that some did go to the Games.” ►

QIf most Romans used public baths and disinfectants hadn’t been invented, weren’t they a hotbed of diseases?

A“The baths were supplied by a constant flow of water from aqueducts, so it circulated quickly and stayed relatively clean,” says Wallace-Hadrill. And, though the Romans didn’t know how diseases are transmitted, doctors advised patients to bathe regularly, and no one went in when they were obviously dirty. Instead, they’d first get up a sweat in a laconica, a domed sauna-like room heated by hot coals. Then they’d pour oil, often perfumed, over themselves and scrape it off with a metal tool called a strigil.

“But public bathing probably did still spread illness sometimes,” says WallaceHadrill, “Bath’s Roman bath, you may remember, was closed down in the 1970s after an outbreak of Legionnaires’ disease. Everything had been draining into one great sump, which contained a fantastic collection of historic rubbish.”

AQWe hear a lot about ancient gods, but were there any ancient atheists?

Questioning the existence of a creator is certainly something that goes back to Greek philosophy, says Wallace-Hadrill.

“The word atheism comes from the Greek atheos, meaning ‘godless’. The Epicureans—followers of the philosopher Epicurus—said there was no way to tell whether gods existed, but it didn’t matter either way, because they were irrelevant. And part of the case against Socrates [sentenced to death in Athens in 399BC] was that he’d raised radical questions about

Socrates: a non-believer?

the gods and so must be a non-believer.”

The Romans weren’t above a bit of doubt, either. “Lucretius’s On the Nature of Things [from the first century BC] is an epic attack on religion that’s right up there with Richard Dawkins,” says Wallace-Hadrill.

There’s no evidence for atheism in Ancient Egypt, though, says Egyptologist Dr Toby Wilkinson, a fellow of Clare College, Cambridge. “But then we wouldn’t expect any. The only written records come from the governing class and, because they only wrote down what they wished to preserve, there’s nothing that shows them in a less-than-perfect light. Atheism would have been considered an aberration.”

QDid people take holidays?

Where did they go?

AMost Romans wouldn’t go anywhere during their time off, which mainly occurred during religious festivals. But the wealthy often had country or seaside villas—Campania, the region around the Bay of Naples, was a popular location— or would stay with friends. They also travelled abroad, mainly to Greece and Egypt, to take in the culture. The Greeks had similar habits.

Ordinary Egyptians toiled in the fields every day, with no weekends. But because the 12 months in their calendar all had 30 days, there were five days left over at the end of the year that were used for a pre-New Year’s break. It was a time for feasting and visiting nearby relatives. The very wealthy would go away to country residences at other times too, and the kings had summer palaces, based around a big lake where they hunted birds, in a fertile area of the Sahara called Faiyum. Transport was by boat along the

Nile—Ancient Egypt consisted entirely of a strip of cultivated land within a mile or so of the river—and then by foot or donkey. There were no camels until very late—the sixth century BC. “Fascinatingly,” says Wilkinson, “life by the Nile hasn’t changed much. People still get around in the same way and live simple lives in small areas.”

AQIf people told the time by the sun, how did they keep precise appointments?

“The Romans and Greeks divided the day (and the night) into 12 hours, starting at sunrise and ending at sunset,” explains Wallace-Hadrill. “That meant, of course, that each ‘hour’ varied in length, according to how much daylight there was at a particular time of year.”

The Romans, though, did have set times for many common activities. If someone arranged to meet his friend at the forum, say, he’d know that the usual time for that was the third hour of the day. If you invited someone for dinner, you’d expect them at the ninth hour. All towns had public sundials too, and there were even portable versions for travellers.

Sources don’t reveal much about whether the Greeks had a similar system, but Ancient Egypt was definitely less organised. “Rather like modern Egypt, it was unfamiliar with the notion of exact appointments,” says Wilkinson. “ ‘Sometime after lunch’ or ‘sometime before sunset’ was as precise as it got. Sundials were used during military campaigns and, from about 1350BC, water clocks—bowls with small holes that let a regulated amount of water through—were used in temples to make sure rituals were carried out properly. But there were no public or private timepieces.”

QWere there any vegetarians?

AThe vast majority of Ancient Egyptians were forced to go without meat, simply because it was too expensive. “They might occasionally have had fish or chicken,” says Wilkinson. “But no red meat. It was the most prestigious foodstuff.”

In the sixth century BC, the Greek philosopher Pythagoras was a well-known vegetarian, says WallaceHadrill. “He forbade his followers from eating meat, because he believed in reincarnation and argued that a human might be reborn as, say, a cow.”

The Pythagoreans were figures of fun, though—not least because they wouldn’t eat beans either, in case beans had souls. “For high-bred Romans, who gorged themselves on any creatures they could get hold of—flamingos, peacocks, wild asses and dormice—vegetarianism was absurd. If you could afford meat, why wouldn’t you eat it?” ►

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QA

Was there any contraception?

“The simple, brutal answer is that infant mortality was the means of birth control in Ancient Egypt,” says Wilkinson. “Many children passed away before their fifth birthday and a huge proportion of women died in childbirth.”

In Greece and Rome, with their better public health, some people did feel the need for rudimentary condoms—

QAs tea, co ee and cocoa hadn’t been discovered, were there any hot drinks?

A“The Romans’ and Greeks’ drinks were mainly wine-based,” says Wallace-Hadrill. “And because they considered undiluted wine vulgar, they might mix it with cold water in summer and hot water in winter. They often sweetened their wine with honey too—they didn’t have sugar—and they also added spices.”

which were often made from membranes such as pigs’ bladders. Many also thought that certain sex positions would prevent pregnancy: prostitutes, for instance, favoured the “equus” (with the woman riding the, ahem, “horse”).

If all that failed, people made potions, using herbs such as silphium, to induce miscarriage. Hippocrates, the father of Western medicine, once suggested that a pregnant prostitute try an alternative—and rather dubious—method of jumping up and down and touching her buttocks with her heels.

But there were no hot drinks in Egypt, according to Wilkinson. “Most people’s staple diet consisted of bread and a thick, soupy beer made from fermented bread. The elite had access to wine, but there are no references to it ever being drunk warm.” ■

Professor Andrew Wallace-Hadrill is co-curating the lecture series for a major new exhibition, “Life and Death in Pompeii and Herculaneum”, at the British Museum in London, from March 28 to September 29.

Dr Toby Wilkinson’s books include The Rise and Fall of Ancient Egypt and Genesis of the Pharaohs

Boasting beautiful landscapes and a rich artistic legacy, Tuscany is arguably Italy’s most scenic region. We take in its much-loved cities and hidden treasures before heading to the iconic, timeless city of Venice.

DAYS 1-2: London to Montecatini: We depart St Pancras on the Eurostar to Paris, where we catch a TGV through the pretty French countryside into Italy, to Turin, for an overnight stay. On Day 2 we continue along the stunning Italian coastline to Montecatini, where we spend four nights at the 4* Hotel Francia e Quirinale.

DAYS 3-4: Florence & at leisure

We head to Florence and enjoy a guided walking tour of the beautiful city’s main sights. We visit the vast Duomo and the unique Ponte Vecchio. You are then free to explore the Tuscan capital at your own pace. On Day 4 you have the chance to discover the pretty town of Montecatini at leisure.

DAY 5: Pisa & Lucca: We head to Pisa, where we take a guided tour of the delightful Old Town and see the Leaning Tower, Duomo and Baptistry. Later we travel to Lucca - Tuscany’s hidden gem. Here we enjoy free time to explore.

DAYS 6-8: Venice & at leisure

Today we travel to Venice the marvellous floating city of shimmering waterways, where we spend three nights in Mestre. We enjoy a walking tour of the spectacular St Mark’s Basilica and Doge’s Palace, and learn all about this city’s rich history. Day 7 and Day 8 are free to explore; with so much to see in this unique city you are spoilt for choice.

DAYS 9-10: Homeward bound

We leave Venice by rail for Mulhouse in France, via Milan, where we stay overnight. On Day 10 we continue to Paris, where we join our Eurostar to St Pancras International in London.

19 DEPARTURES

between 2 Apr & 15 Oct 2013

10 DAYS FROM

£1,175

Your Tuscany & Venice holiday includes: CALL NOW TO BOOK

Return rail travel

9 nights’ hotel accommodation with breakfast

5 dinners

Guided walking tour of Florence

Guided tour of Pisa

Visit to Lucca

Guided walking tour of Venice

The services of a Tour Manager

YOU

WON’T FIND BETTER VALUE

At Treyn we pride ourselves on giving you superb value for money. We make sure that all you need for a wonderful holiday is included: comfortable hotels, many meals, exciting itineraries and, of course, you’ll be accompanied throughout by your experienced Tour Manager. There are no surcharges or hidden extras.

PISA

She used to teach RE at comprehensive schools. Now Sister Ann Teresa is a saviour for hundreds of women who’ve been forced into prostitution

the Stoppıng traffic

When her parents died in a car accident, Shade* lost her home and means of support. Aged 25 and having received almost no education, she spent four years staying with family and friends or sleeping rough on the streets of her hometown in Nigeria, hawking drinks at bus stops to make ends meet. But two years ago, she was offered a way out.

Shade was befriended by a woman calling herself Aunty Bisi who, over a period of weeks, helped Shade with small gifts of money. Aunty Bisi didn’t say much about her background, simply that God wanted her to help people. Eventually, she asked Shade if she’d like to go to college in Britain. Shade was suspicious, but

by danny scott

photographed by stuart conway

►

desperate to make something of herself. So, in February 2011, true to her word, Aunty Bisi brought Shade to London.

Sadly, that was as far as Aunty Bisi could be trusted. As soon as her plane landed, Shade was taken to a heavily fortified house in the north of England. Her passport disappeared and she was told she had to pay for the plane ticket. A succession of men were then brought to her room and, one by one, they raped her. Aunty Bisi explained that she’d just made her first payment.

Some 12 million men, women and children worldwide have been trafficked and forced into prostitution. But Shade is one of the lucky ones. After three months, she managed to escape and spent two weeks sleeping on buses before a member of the Salvation Army took her to a safe house run by the Medaille Trust. And so she became one of hundreds of prostitutes and trafficked people helped by a remarkable 68-year-old woman called Sister Ann Teresa.

The Catholic nun is the founder of and driving force behind Medaille, which has four safe houses—three in southern England, one in the north— that provide people like Shade with a bed, food, friendship, legal and medical assistance, and the chance to escape their brutal past.

Sister Ann, from South Wales, became a nun when she was 18. “Most people find fulfilment with a

“Traffickers can get you whatever you want—young, old, male, female. It’s the extreme end of our modern consumer society. Put your money on the table and you can actually buy people”

Promised a better life, many trafficked people end up in rooms like this

boyfriend or husband,” she explains, “but my fulfilment came in a relationship with God. If I was 18 again, I’d make the same choice.”

For years, she taught RE in various comprehensives, but took early retirement in 1997 and settled in a small, citybased convent on the South Coast. The local priest had what Sister Ann calls a “very practical” approach to faith and when she asked what she could do in the community, he suggested some muchneeded work with the area’s prostitutes.

“Four or five nights a week, I went out on to the streets with a few other nuns and met the women,” says Sister Ann. “I didn’t preach or point my finger. All I said was, ‘If you ever need to talk, give me a call.’ Eventually, we got to know them very well. They’d tell us what it was like out there, about the paedophiles who hung around looking for underage girls. I vividly remember a woman who’d been released from prison that morning and was already back on the streets.

“These people had no one to help them, so twice a week we cooked them a big meal. The convent became a second home for some. We celebrated Christmas and birthdays with them, took them to the theatre; anything that gave them a bit of happiness. They’d been sexually and psychologically abused as children, put into care and ended up on the street. They’d never had a chance in life.”

Fascinated and moved by the women’s plight, over the next few years Sister Ann began investigating prostitution further and became aware of what an enormous problem international people-trafficking had become.

“I came across some research that described the situation as like an ‘underworld supermarket’,” she says. “If you had the money, the traffickers could get you whatever you wanted—young, old, male, female, any nationality. It’s the extreme end of our modern consumer

society. Put your money on the table and you can actually buy people.”

By September 2005, Sister Ann had decided that she wanted to help the increasing number of trafficked people ending up in the UK. “Even when the girls were rescued by the police, there was often nowhere for them to go. By law, you can’t just send a trafficked

Sister Ann: “These people had no one to help them”

person back home—you need to give them safe housing and legal advice. But with so little official funding, people were ending up in detention centres or prison. Some were sent home as illegal immigrants and I’m sure some were re-trafficked. I had a strange sense that God wanted me to do something about it; that it was a new faith journey.”

That journey started with a simple letter to numerous local Christian groups. “All I said was, ‘Do you want to come and talk about the problem of human trafficking?’ Some 50 people turned up, we set up a working group and that was the beginning of the Medaille Trust.”

Soon after, a wealthy couple who’d been at the meeting offered to buy a property in southern England that could become a safe house. “Setting it up suddenly became my full-time job,” says Sister Ann, “but I was totally out of my depth. We needed money, personnel, specialist support workers, and to sort out the legal side of things—things I’d never dealt with. I suppose it was just perseverance that got me through. Spending days on the phone and writing dozens of letters and emails—constantly trying to get the message out there.”

In those early months, despite donations from Catholic congregations around the country, money was a constant issue. “One one occasion, we were trying to recruit staff and I realised we had no money to pay them. I actually prayed for help and you may not believe this, but

“What would have happened if I hadn’t found Sister Ann and the Medaille Trust? The answer is easy: my baby and I would be dead” Medaille

an hour later, I had a phone call. That donation saved us.”

The safe house opened its doors in August 2006, but Sister Ann, bogged down in the huge administrative task of setting up the trust, hadn’t yet had much contact with the people she was devoting her life to. It didn’t take long, though, to realise what a difference she was making.

“When I visited the safe house, one of the first girls I met was an Indian of about 18. I walked through the door and she rushed forward, throwing her arms round me. She told me she thought she’d died and gone to heaven!”

Spurred on, Sister Ann threw herself into yet more fund-raising, travelling the country to solicit donations from businesses and congregations—eventually getting support from Comic Relief—and, in time, setting up the three further

homes. She also negotiated with the police, UK Border Agency and Salvation Army to make sure they referred girls to the houses wherever possible.

The Medaille Trust has now helped more than 500 people. Some eventually return home, but if that’s too dangerous the authorities often allow them to stay in the UK and the trust has helped them get into colleges and work. “We’ve had girls become hairdressers and traffic wardens,” smiles Sister Ann.

Ada, a 25-year-old from Albania, is one of 60 people currently in a safe house: “My boyfriend brought me to this county last year, promising a better life. But every day, men arrived at the house and had sex with me. Even my boyfriend raped me. Luckily, a nice client helped me escape through a window. Now I’m learning English at college and I have friends. Sometimes, at night, I think about what happened to me, but that is my past. I want to think about the future.”

Despite such happy endings, Sister Ann says she still has much to do. “Trafficked children is a growing problem… sold to crime organisations, domestic slavery and prostitution. When they come to us, they need an education, so next year we’re hoping to open a school.

“One story in particular has driven me on. There was a young African widow who’d been accused of witchcraft,

battered and driven from her home. Someone brought her and her eldest daughter to the UK where she was forced to have sex with men while the little girl watched. When the child was old enough, they said, ‘Now you can join your mother.’

“How on earth do you recover from that? Well, we took them in, got them settled in their own home and they were reunited with a younger daughter who’d been left in Africa. They’ve been through so much, yet they still choose to get up every morning and face the world. To me, that’s a real testament to the power of the human spirit.”

And Shade? Nearly two years on, she is still at the safe house and has a baby daughter—she collapsed soon after escaping and discovered she was pregnant. But she is now looking forward to college.

“When I first arrived at the house, I was so scared,” she says. “And I was sick, sick, sick. But for the first time, people really helped me. What would have happened if I hadn’t found Sister Ann and the Medaille Trust? The answer is easy: my baby and I would be dead.” ■

Red Nose Day is on March 15 and money raised goes to support projects such as the Medaille Trust. To find out how you can get involved go to rednoseday.com. You can also donate to the trust at medaille.co.uk.

“How to Live With a Woman”, from August 1954, was reprinted in our March 1966 edition…at the request of Dick Van Dyke. “It’s packed with invaluable information for every married couple,” enthused the Hollywood star, who celebrated his second marriage only last year. We are, of course, happy to fulfil any other celebrity requests!

hOW tO…

BY LinDA gRAY

1,001 things EVERYOnE shOULD KnOW

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

How to set up a committee

good For designing camels, but not much else may be your private opinion. But despite their reputation for mind-numbing tediousness, committees can be an effective way to get things done, as long as everyone...

1. Knows why they’re there. If the committee is hazy about its aims, it won’t work. “Everyone should work towards the same goal, be it raising £1m or organising a street party,” says Heather Thomas, who manages volunteers for the charity YouthNet.

2. Knows what to do. Group mailshots and flyers can be a fruitful way of recruiting new members if specific skills are needed. In addition, every committee needs a treasurer to take care of the accounts and a secretary to organise

and minute meetings and manage correspondence. Above all, success rests with the chair, who sets the agenda, chooses which items are for update, discussion or decision—and chivvies members into action.

3. Finds it fun. Volunteers will be keener to turn up if it’s not all work and no play. “Make sure there’s time to celebrate successes so people feel their efforts are appreciated,” says Thomas.

How to stop cHiLdren

FigHting

why DO children bicKer so much?

“Because resources are limited and they want stuff!” says psychologist Oliver James—whether that stuff is your time, a toy, or the Year Six popularity badge.

because they feel under stress,” says James. They also copy violent behaviour they see in real life or on screen. If boys (and it usually is boys) become unusually belligerent, check the age ratings on their computer games.

an hour. At two and a half, it’s still four

As adults we learn to wield power more subtly, but it takes time. “At 18 months, a child will try to take something away from another eight times an hour. At two and a half, it’s still four times an hour,” says James. “Between three and five they start to play collaboratively, but you can still expect a lot of grief so keep a close eye on them.”

By the time

they get to primary school, you can usually leave kids to sort out squabbles and only intervene if it gets physical— though if you do, be sure to talk it through.

Luckily, there’s a simple way to reset an angry child’s emotional thermostat— taking them away for some one-on-one time. Giving them a new experience and your undivided attention can dramatically improve their behaviour, says James in his book

Love Bombing

they get to squabbles family. “Children

If battles break out constantly, it could be a reflection of what’s going on in the family. “Children who see their parents arguing are more fractious,

a zone where the child feels totally loved and gives you both a chance to reconnect.” Top it up with regular half-hour sessions and you may both have peace at last.

: “It creates

How to bLow tHe wHistLe

it seems liKe a no-win situation: report wrongdoing and risk victimisation, or live with it and have an uneasy conscience. But blow the whistle the right way and there’s a good chance the complaint will be dealt with swiftly and discreetly. In fact, you could even be rewarded for raising it, says Professor David Lewis of the International Whistleblowing Research Network.

That won’t happen if you use Twitter. “Whistleblowers have legal protection at work, but you must disclose the problem to an ‘appropriate recipient’—your line manager or someone senior,” cautions Lewis. And you’re only covered if your complaint concerns a breach of the law or damage to the environment. But you don’t have to be an employee. As long as you have contact with the organisation through work, you’re protected.

ever

argue that you bear a sue

if you get nowhere, write to the CEO or a director, saying you’ll approach the industry regulator (for a list, see gov. uk/whistleblowing), the police or an MP. Make it clear you’re trying to improve the company, not harm it. Going to the press should be a last resort but, if you’re driven to it, at least you’ll have proved your loyalty, says Lewis. Of course, there are drawbacks. If you’ve ever had a dispute with your employers, they could argue that you bear a grudge. And ultimately, you may still be sacked, though you can sue for unfair dismissal. But while whistleblowing is not easy, it’s often the right thing to do. If more people had spoken up, 193 people on the Herald of Free Enterprise might still be alive and Jimmy Savile could have been stopped in his tracks. For free, confidential advice, ring the

7404 6609. you’ll approach the industry regulator (for a list, see gov. police clear

whistleblowing is not easy, had spoken up, 193

still be alive and Jimmy stopped in his tracks.

charity Public Concern At Work on 020

charity Public Work on 020

Jose luis PelaeZ inc/Blend images/getty images

How to know your boundaries

Faced with spending up to £50,000 in a boundary dispute or grumbling about a neighbour’s encroaching hedge, most of us take the cheaper option. Which is just as well, because proving who owns what is not easy. The red lines on Land Registry plans, which many of us think of as definitive, are only a general guide rather than legal boundaries.

If you think this may cause problems in the future, there are cheaper ways to establish a boundary than through the courts. If you’re on good terms with your neighbour, you can have a precise plan documented by a solicitor. If not, get mediation via the Royal Institute of Chartered Surveyors’ on 0870 333 1600.

Rows about boundary repairs are another cause of strife (although in most cases, you’re not obliged to put up a barrier at all). “If Land Registry plans show a red T on your side of the barrier, it belongs to you. And if there’s a T on both sides, it’s a party wall,” says Craige Burden of the consultancy company Boyer Planning. As for hedges, local councils can take action if a neighbour’s is evergreen and over two metres tall. You’re also legally entitled to cut off (but should return) any branches on your side of the boundary. As long as you know where that is, of course.

Advertisement

How to outsmart a speed camera

oF course, you can always buy a camera detector or contest the fine in court (good luck with that). But why not stay within the limits and avoid points on your licence or the cost of a speed awareness course, by spotting these common traps?

● no reminders. If there are no repeat speed limit signs, the road is either derestricted or the limit is 30. The only time you’ll be reminded you’re in a 30 zone is if there are no streetlights.

● lamp-posts and pavements. Drop to 30mph, even on an A road, unless the signs say otherwise.

● two-litre engine. Powerful cars get impatient when cruising at 30 so drop to third gear in town, recommends the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, or select cruise control.

● no central reservation. Unless there is one, the road is not a dual carriageway, however much it looks like one, and the speed limit for cars is 60, not 70. ►

Did you know that each finger and toenail takes six months to grow from base to tip?

Find out more amazing facts at the OU Tree of Knowledge

readersdigest.co.uk/open-university/ou

Peter cade/stone/getty images

How to make tHe garden grow

Far From being good for the garden, as you might think, chances are that last year’s washout weather has swept nutrients from the soil.

Digging in plenty of organic matter, (plus grit for clay soils) is essential, says the Royal Horticultural Society. But for a quick boost, the right fertiliser will green up lawns and help fruit and flowers flourish—and now is a great time to start. lush lawns. After the first cut or two, apply spring lawn feed. Repeat every six to eight weeks until the end of August if necessary, and use a spreader so you don’t scorch the grass. Too much hassle? Use a slow-release feed such as Westland

Once and forget about it all summer. blooming beds. Apply 70g of general purpose fertiliser per square metre. Look for one like Growmore, with an equal balance of nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium.

rampant roses. Hoe potassium-rich rose fertiliser round the roots.

organic options include chicken manure pellets for lawns; blood, fish and bone for borders; and seaweed for both. You can also grow your own green manure—to find out how, see Gardening (“The Plot Thickens”) on p134.

wHat your mp won’t tell you

● i don’t have to be here. Laziness doesn’t count as wrongdoing, so you’re stuck with me until the next election. I can only be sacked if I go bankrupt or I’m sent to jail.

● cheers! I may not know the price of milk, but I can tell you that a pint of beer or glass of wine costs me well under £3. What’s more, I can carry on drinking here, even if I lose my seat.

● there’s a new expenses scam. Some MPs let out the house they own and claim for renting another, making a handsome profit. They say it’s within the rules—but they’d be in trouble if they were on housing benefit.

● sex is no longer a resigning matter. A sex scandal’s unlikely to end my career unless I’ve been vocal about family values. Except, that is, if money is also involved, because financial shenanigans enrage the public and press.

s ources: Paul s taines of g uido fawkes; the Parliamentary c ommissioner f or s tandard s, Parliament.uk

● i’m now a more honourable member. According to the Committee on Standards in Public Life, I’m expected to be selfless, honest, objective, open

and accountable. Can’t you tell?

● i think i’m worth £86,250, though I’m currently paid £65K. Luckily I work flexitime, so I can make up the shortfall by writing books and columns, advising companies or acting as a barrister to top up my income.

● i’ll see you on Friday. That’s when I hold surgeries in my constituency to sort out your problems. Find my details on parliament.uk and ring my local office for an appointment. Or send me a handwritten letter, which is bound to stand out.

● want to scrutinise my expenses? Go ahead— they’re available via the Freedom of Information

Act. And I’m now warned to ask myself how comfortable I feel about my claim, knowing the details are there for everyone to see.

● i’m on your side. If there’s an issue that’s getting you down, I can raise it with the Secretary of State or highlight it in parliament. I’m obliged to help if I can, whatever your political views. To get things moving, ask me to table an Early Day Motion on the subject and if your argument’s convincing, I’ll do it.

● let me know if you’re under 30. If you are, I’m especially eager to see

you. It looks good on my campaign literature if I can say I represent the young.

● Free tickets, anyone? I can organise a tour of the Houses of Parliament or get you admission to the public gallery, and I have two passes a week to give away for Prime Minister’s Questions.

● a backbencher’s life is not a happy one, so I’m aiming to sit on a select committee. After all, that’s where the real work of parliament takes place. I’ll gain an extra £14K a year, plus a higher profile and experience of government.

● you’ll always find me on twitter. It’s an easier way to make my mark than catching the Speaker’s eye. n

the bottom line

What the doctor’s really thinking while he carries out a rectal examination

“Do you have to?” asked Mrs Goldsworthy. “I do really, I’m sorry. It’ll be over in a jiffy,” I chirped. At some point since becoming a doctor I’ve become numbed to the daily indignities I have to subject my patients to. There’s now no orifice in the human body I haven’t explored; no bodily function I haven’t enquired about.

The first time I had to examine someone’s back passage, I was mortified. My hands were shaking and beads of perspiration formed on my forehead as I explained to the male patient what I was going to do. The examination is called a PR—from the Latin phrase per rectum, which roughly translates as “up the bottom”. I smiled nervously while desperately trying to get the rubber gloves over my clammy hands. Whoever designed these gloves didn’t have junior doctors performing their first examination in mind.

experience was far more humiliating for me than it was for him.

Just as I was ready to begin, the patient gave a little cough and looked over his shoulder at me as he lay on the couch. “You might want some lubricant?” he suggested helpfully—but with the look of someone calculating how quickly he could run for the hills. The whole

Now, though, I’ve become so used to doing unspeakable things to people that I barely bat an eyelid. Usually, patients like to think that their case is unique. But when they realise I’ve done more of these examinations than they’ve had hot dinners, they can relax a little; suddenly they’re pleased that they’re not so special. It might even come as some consolation to anyone who’s had to undergo such an examination that the doctor is thinking about far more important things—like where they put their car keys or what they’re going to have for tea.

My hands were shaking as I explained to the patient what I was going to do

While there’s a time and a place for seeing patients as individuals, there’s

also a case for sometimes seeing them as just another exam that has to be done. Not only does this keep the doctor sane, but it makes the whole thing more bearable for the patient.

Having dispelled any images of All Creatures Great and Small she might have had, I examined Mrs Goldsworthy.

“There, over and done with. Not so bad was it?”

I said as I started to straighten her bed sheets.

“I suppose not. It must be worse for you having to do it,” she laughed.

Just as I left, she called after me: “Don’t forget your car keys.”

I turned round to see them lying on her table. “Oh, there they are,”

I said, “I’d been wondering where I’d put them.”

know your medication hrt

What does it do?

HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) contains the female hormone oestrogen. As women approach menopause, the ovaries stop producing it, and this can cause symptoms such as hot flushes, loss of energy and headaches. HRT is prescribed to ease them. It can also reduce the risk of oesteoporosis.

hoW does it Work?

Oestrogen on its own can cause the lining of the womb to build up, increasing the chances of cancer of the uterus. As a result, most modern HRT also contains progestogen, another female hormone that reduces the risk. If you’ve had a hysterectomy, you don’t need progestogen.

Who takes it?

damage, or a history of blood clots—or for those who’ve had cancer of the breast, ovary or womb.

hoW do you take it?

It comes in tablets, patches, gel, nasal spray and implants. Different women prefer different methods.

side effects?

Some women who start

HRT complain of feeling sick for a few weeks. Some experience headaches or migraines. It can also increase the risk of blood clots, and there have been concerns about research suggesting that long-term HRT use can increase the risk of some types of cancer. Most experts agree, however, that for short-term use (less than five years) the benefits outweigh the risks.

common tyPes Premique, Climagest, Cyclo-progynova, Elleste. ■ illustrated

max Pemberton is a hospital doctor, and the mind Journalist of the year 2010

Women entering the menopause or those who’ve already gone through it.

HRT is often not suitable for women with severe liver

health With susannah hickling happiness is…

...easier than you might think. Follow our seven scientifically backed tips

We’re only the 18th happiest country in the world, according to the UN’s first World Happiness Report. So, in advance of the UN’s International Happiness Day on March 20, here are seven ways for us all to improve our contentment levels:

1 Go for it! According to researchers at Indiana University, “purposeful leisure” and striving to reach personal goals makes you happier. This could be any activity you choose that involves self-improvement—maybe learning a language or trying a new sport.

2 Believe in your aBility to Bounce

Back We can find our way to happiness even when things are pear-shaped, according to Karim Kassam of the Emotion Research Laboratory at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh: “Our

joy dIVIsIOns

research shows that people tend to get over negative events faster than they expect.”

3 Be a morninG person When University of Vermont researchers studied Twitter-feed keywords to measure for happiness, they found that it peaks between 5am and 6am, declines steeply until midday, then gradually hits a low around 10pm or 11pm. Counter this by trying not to get bogged down in the frustrating minutiae of daily life.

4 visit someone you care aBout Happiness is…meaningful relationships with friends and family—in other words, being with them (so forget cursory phone calls or chatting on Facebook) and setting out to understand how they’re actually feeling, rather than just looking for laughs or comfort.

The top countries in the World Happiness Report were all in affluent northern Europe—Denmark, Norway, Finland and Netherlands—and the most unhappy were all poor subSaharan nations—Togo, Benin, Central African Republic and Sierra Leone. But the report also showed that on average the world has become only marginally happier in the past 30 years, in spite of rising living standards.

5 focus on the GooD According to Indiana University’s research, happier people tend to focus on the things that make them happy, whereas unhappy people try not to think about negative things. Train yourself to think about what you’ve already achieved.

6 Dress the part next time you wake up feeling blue, slip into any piece of clothing that makes you feel good. Researchers at the University of Hertfordshire found that women believed they could change their mood by changing their clothes.

7 forGet retail therapy

A decadelong study from Texas has confirmed what we always suspected: the desire for possessions leads to lower life satisfaction. It can undermine how we feel about ourselves and cost us the personal relationships that make us happy. In short, spend more time with people and less in shops.

There’s no national screening programme for prostate cancer, the most common male cancer in the UK, even though a test exists. And there are good reasons for that. About two-thirds of men with an abnormal PsA (prostatespecific antigen) test don’t have the disease, but they usually have to undergo further testing—biopsy or ultrasound—which is uncomfortable and could lead to infection.

MEN’S HEALTH TO sCREEn OR nOT TO sCREEn

Then there’s the problem of over-treatment: many cases of prostate cancer are not fatal even if left. The trouble is that doctors can’t yet distinguish between these slow-burners and the aggressive killers. surgery, radiation and hormone therapy have unpleasant side effects, such as incontinence, infection and impotence. In the light of this, many doctors prefer “watchful waiting” in which PsA levels are tracked over a period of time.

If all that sounds a bit frustrating, it’s worth bearing in mind the following:

● know your risk factors. Avoidable risk factors are too much saturated fat and ► not enough fibre. Risk factors you’re stuck with include family history, age (most cases happen after 65) and ethnicity—the disease is more common among black men and least common in Asians.

● Get tested if you think you need to. If you have risk factors or are worried about

symptoms such as more frequent urination (though most men with prostate cancer don’t have symptoms in the early stages), then go to your GP and request a PsA test to put your mind at rest. The doc will also do a digital rectal examination.

● reduce the risk of a false positive. Certain things increase PsA levels, including low-grade trauma to the prostate (a recent rectal examination, even a long bike ride) and ejaculation. Avoid these for at least 48 hours before the test.

MUM’S BET FooDS THAT HELP YOU LOsE WEIGHT

As it’s Mother’s Day this month, we’re permitting ourselves a little punt on the sex of the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby— backed up by research, you understand.

Statistically, if a mumto-be is hospitalised for hyperemesis gravidarum (severe sickness) in the first three months, as Kate was, she’s more likely to be having a girl.

A study of more than a million pregnancies in Sweden found that 56 per cent of such women gave birth to a daughter. Research from the School of Public and Community Medicine in Washington State University has suggested that their odds of having a baby girl were increased by 50 per cent.

It could be that the different hormones produced by female babies are more likely to make you feel sick, but no one really knows. Whatever, our money’s on a girl for the Cambridges in July.

Dairy Calcium is good for your bones, but it’s also great for curbing hunger pangs. Research shows that those with calcium deficiencies hold greater fat mass and are less able to control appetite. More exciting still, dairy sources of calcium such as cheese, milk and yogurt are thought to be more effective in speeding up fat loss than other sources. In a University of Tennessee study, researchers showed that eating three servings of dairy every day significantly reduced body fat in obese people.

honey has shown great promise in animal studies for reducing weight gain when substituted for sugar. A bonus is its wide-ranging health benefits—it may improve blood-sugar control, is a cough suppressant and boosts immunity.

red wine studies have suggested that the antioxidant resveratrol found in red wine could be a fat releaser. several animal studies have demonstrated that moderate alcohol consumption does not promote weight gain, while another found that resveratrol (for non-drinkers, also found in red grapes themselves) protected against obesity and insulin resistance, a precursor to diabetes. vinegar Research has shown that vinegar can reduce the blood-sugar spiking effect of some meals. The result? You feel full so you eat less. Even better, it may also prevent body-fat accumulations, according to Japanese researchers.

QUACK QUEsTIOn

Q: What’s safer, contact lenses or laser surgery?

A: Laser surgery. A review of several large studies found a greater risk of vision loss with lenses than with surgery. Lenses can cause infections and corneal scratches. ■

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BEAUTY WITH ALICE HART-DAVIS

LOOK LIVELY

Bringing the colour back to your cheeks has never been easier

Ask any woman what make-up she would reach for first and most of us have a ready answer: mascara to stop our eyes from vanishing; lipstick to give our mouth some shape; or maybe tinted moisturiser to smooth out our complexion. But very few would go for blusher. This is a shame—most of us need a bit of help to get some colour into our faces at the tail-end of winter, and blusher is the quickest way to make your face look more lively.

it wrong and you may feel it’s easier to go without. So how do you get it right? I asked red-carpet make-up maestro

Mathew Alexander for some tips for the blusher-shy.

First, should you use cream or powder? I’m a big fan of creamy blushers for a quick pop of colour, but I know that make-up artists go for powder.

Blusher has managed to get itself a bad name. If you overdo your lipstick, people think you’re making a bold statement, but overdosing on blusher is embarrassing and obvious, whether you end up with warpaint stripes along your cheeks or bright blotches like a badly painted doll. Get

“If you like a light, sheer look, then cream blush is good,” advises Mathew, “but powder blusher has more staying power.”

“but powder blusher has more Blusher has managed to get itself a bad name. If you overdo your lipstick, people paint stripes along your cheeks or bright blotches like a badly painted doll. Get

PRODUCT OF THE MONTH

Then consider the shape of your face. “If you have a round face, shading blusher just below the full part of your cheeks will help give you a sculpted look,” says Mathew. “Choose an amber or plum tone

Clinique Chubby Stick Shadow Tint Eyes (£16; clinique.co.uk)

Building on the popularity of their Chubby Sticks for lips, Clinique has come up with equally cute and easy-to-use chubbies for eyes. They’re twist-up pencils that are silky to use, fairly crease-resistant and come in a dozen gorgeous colours. My favourites? Massive Midnight and Lots O’Latte.

for this. If you have a longer face and want to make it look rounder and more youthful, try using a pinky or apricot blusher on the apples of your cheeks.”

Once it’s on, Mathew advises blending like mad —with a brush for powder, or your finger for cream —until the colour looks as if it belongs there.

Set aside some time and experiment, to see what colours work best for you and how they look in di erent lights, until you’re confident with the results. If it goes wrong, just wipe it o . But when you get it right it’ll become easy— and you’ll be able to sail through spring with a rosy glow on your face.

Alice Hart-Davis is an award-winning beauty journalist who writes regularly for the national press, and is the creator of Good Things skincare.

FAST FIX 1

Our teeth become less white as we age, and while brushing will remove surface stains, it won’t whiten teeth. One simple thing that will is Rapid White’s Express five-minute dissolving tooth-whitening strips (£22.99 for 28 strips at Boots). Use twice a day for a week and see the di erence.

Dee

FAST FIX 2

Last year it was BB creams that were all the range; now it’s CC creams. While BBs (which stands for Blemish Balm) were originally designed as a soothing tinted cover-up for troubled skin, CCs (Colour or Complexion Correction) aim to o er more benefits for your skin. Chanel and Clinique both have CCs in the pipeline; but one of the first ones to hit the shelf (probably next month) is Olay’s new Regenerist CC cream (£25-£30), which includes clinically proven anti-ageing ingredients such as niacinamide in its formulation, along with SPF15 and enough foundation pigments to give a sheer wash of colour.

Lougher, 60, from Cardi , loves Liz Earle’s Cleanse & Polish Hot Cloth Cleanser, an award-winning product that suits all ages and types of skin.

“I’ve used this for several years, and I love the fresh, uplifting fragrance. It’s very gentle and doesn’t dry out my skin, but it cleans really well and even takes o my eye make-up, so I feel my whole face has been cleansed.” (£14.25; uk.lizearle. com) ■

consumer With donal macintyre

taken on trust

in day-to-day transactions, you can’t put a price on honesty

In these cynical days of scamsters and con men, it’s refreshing when you find a shop that’s entirely dependent on the honesty box. Customers come and go, fill the box and help themselves to the goods.

Recently, near Marshside in the Kent countryside, I came across Bernard, who runs a vegetable and egg stall and leaves his wares out on a long table for motorists, neighbours and strangers to drop by. The price list is there and so is the change bowl, and in ten years Bernard has never lost a penny to theft. Naturally, I bought a dozen eggs and helped myself to my own change.

The only other time I’d ever come across this was at an Irish wedding when the exhausted bar staff pleaded to go to bed, leaving the bar open to the sodden guests to help themselves and sign for all the drinks. By and large this works, and supermarkets are increasingly coming to the realisation

It’s good when you find a shop dependent on the honesty box

that most shoppers are inherently honest—99% of them, according to a recent University of Pittsburgh study. For someone who’s spent a lifetime toiling among criminals, this is refreshing news.

Bernard, please thank your hens for some fine omelettes, and also special thanks to you for restoring my faith in human nature.

if you don’t ask...

Donal answers your questions.

Please email queries to excerpts @readers digest. co.uk

Q

I got a gift voucher as a present belonging to a major high-street store in 2007 and it says that it expired in 2009. What are my chances of being able to use it?

a I’m afraid your chances are slim, but not for any good reason.

for cash should be for life, not just for Christmas.

Q I have an extended guarantee on my laptop from Comet. Is it still valid even though it’s now closed and in administration?

hotel tales

Donal

MacIntyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ItV’s London Tonight

Gift vouchers should essentially be regarded as cash and we should be able to spend them when we wish, but the small print denies us unfairly. Even the most consumerminded of the highstreet chains are intractable on this point. To my mind, as long as stores sit back and take our cash for free, we should gift our own cheques or simply give cash instead.

A voucher bought

a The insurance is with a thirdparty company and so is still valid. If you’re within a year of purchase you can go direct to the manufacturer, as it’s within the usual guarantee period. Technically, if it’s a manufacturing fault and the goods don’t reach a “reasonable standard”, you have six years to chase it, but after six months the onus is on you to prove that point. The “extended guarantee” is run by a company called ExtraCare and is unaffected by the administration. Go back to your paperwork and don’t fret—the claim will take longer, but it’ll be honoured according to your agreement.

I’ve misplaced and lost lots of things over the years, including a rented car once on a crossChannel ferry. In my defence, I was busy at the time, living four different undercover lives.

This came back to me recently when the MacIntyre family had to decamp to a hotel after our house was flooded. We stayed a couple of days, and some valuable piece of my wife’s wardrobe was left behind. I expected the hotel to call, but it seems that even the best hotels never phone to check up on forgotten items.

An experienced hotel manager knows that guests tell so many lies that a call home isn’t advised. It irritated me that I had to go back to the hotel to find out about my wife’s coat, but one man’s poor service is another’s glorious omission. ■

money With jasmine birtles

use it or lose it

Capitalise on your tax advantages while you still can

We’re coming to the end of the tax year, so now’s the time to make sure you’re saving as much tax as possible on your savings and investments before it’s too late. Here are four things you should do before April 5.

1

Use up your ISA allowance

Tax-free savings are not to be sniffed at, so use up your allowance for this tax year— remember that if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it!

“Mummy, for tax purposes we’re not a multinational offshore company, are we?”

2

The maximum you can save each tax year in a cash ISA is currently £5,640, but if you put money into a stocks and shares ISA, it can be up to £11,280. Also, check any old ISA accounts to see if you can get a better rate on them. You can switch one cash ISA to another, or you can move money from a cash ISA into a stocks-and-shares one, but not the other way around.

Get as much as you can into your pension before the end of the tax year. You have up to £50,000 to put in per tax year (although that will be going down to £40,000 from April 2014). Admittedly £50,000 is far higher than most people can reach, but it’s still a good idea to put in as much as you can to get the tax benefit. Remember, too, that you can top up your spouse or partner’s pension, as well—anyone up to the age of 75 can have contributions made on their behalf.

3

Use up your CGT allowance cGT (capitalgains tax) is paid when you sell assets such as shares or a buy-to-let property. You can make up to £10,600 this year on these kinds of sales before you have to start paying tax on them (at 18% of the profit), so if you were planning on selling some shares and keeping the money, it could be worth doing it in this tax year rather than the next.

4

make money From ComPetitions

Competitions are a great way to nab free holidays, household goods, electronics and even money for relatively little effort. There are lots of opportunities now, so here’s how to find the good ones.

l Slogan competitions are terrific for the keen “comper” who’s ready and willing to put in a little more effort than simply typing in an email address or sending back a postcard.

Remember to work in rhyme, rhythm or a pun, reflect the product in a good light, pay attention to the word limit, and see if you can enter more than once.

simple question, or fill out a postcard and mail it in to enter. because of this, it’s a good idea to grab free postcards whenever you can! These sort of competitions take a bit more effort, and therefore have far fewer entrants—so they’re well worth a try.

l Join websites such as compersnews.com for free information on forthcoming competitions.

Check your income-tax threshold one of the few positive changes coming in the 2013/14 tax year is that the personal taxallowance threshold will rise by £1,100 to £9,205. This is good news for anyone earning, or thinking of making a little more money on the side. It also means that if you’re expecting a bonus or extra interest on savings, you might like to put it off until April 5 onwards, if possible. ► in for. For the

l newspaper- and magazine-run competitions are often worth going in for. For the most part, all you have to do is visit their website and answer a

l There are quite a few competitions around that don’t involve you buying a product, such as freepostcodelottery.com, a great little site that gives away £20 every day at noon to one of the postcodes on their list. There’s no catch —the only downside is that you have to check each day to see if your number has come up.

l Remember that far fewer people enter competitions than you’d think, especially when the prize is expensive. It’s an odd thing about our

psychology, but the more impressive the prize, the fewer people enter it in general, because they think they have less of a chance. So if you see a really great prize, such as a car or a very expensive holiday, go for it—you have a pretty good chance of winning!

But beware!

l You’ll be asked to include your email address if you enter an online competition. This generally means that your inbox will soon be flooded with spam. To avoid this, all you have to do is set up a separate email account—try hotmail, Yahoo! or Gmail for free. This can be your “competition account”, where everything competition-related gets sent. That way, your personal email account gets left alone, and you still get the chance to win big prizes.

l Remember that you have to give your phone number for some of these competitions. not every company gives you the choice of opting out of receiving marketing texts, etc, so make sure you check thoroughly if you hate receiving them.

l Try to concentrate on reputable brands or companies, and never pay to enter an online competition—this is particularly true of those unscrupulous competitions pretending to offer great prizes.

save money by bulkbuying

train travel

When you travel with friends via national Rail, you can get group discounts—thetrainline.com allows three or four to travel together for the price of two. You can get discounts of up to 50% off, plus up to four children can travel with the group for just £1 each. but you can also get the discount at the station if you want to avoid the £1 booking fee.

If you’ve got children, or friends with children, you can also get a Family & Friends Railcard, which gives you a third off adult fares and up to 60% off kids’ fares. The card costs £28 for one year and works as long as you travel with at least one child. It also gets you discounts on restaurants, hotels and days out.

eating out

Restaurants have been hit particularly hard by the credit crunch, so you’ve got haggling power to get a decent discount or perks if you go out with friends.

“And don’t forget to ask about the group discount”

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Don’t be afraid to ask what they o er groups, with the attitude that you’ll go elsewhere if their o er isn’t decent. You can also ask when you book direct with the restaurant. If you’re planning a meal out, phone a couple of places to see what they’re willing to o er you.

Holidays

From hotels to flights, cruises and package deals, there’s always a discount to be had when travelling in a group:

● Eurostar does special group deals and weekend getaways to destinations such as Paris, Brussels and Disneyland Paris.

● Opodo is always worth a look, especially on self-catering skiing holidays.

● Travelodge gives you cheaper rooms with group bookings.

● Virgin Holidays says that if you book with a minimum of ten adults, you may qualify for a group discount.

● Remember, too, that if you go on holiday with a group of friends, you can make money from it by doing the booking for them. You may even manage to get your part of it for free. If you use a credit card with rewards, you could get the maximum cashback, or even earn enough air miles to get yourself another holiday later on!

Electronics

If you want a new plasma TV and so does your best friend, you can get together and make big savings. First, check prices online to find the cheapest rate, then go to your local shop and haggle. See how much they’ll charge you if you ask for two. Remember, the worst thing that can happen is they say no. But selling two plasma-screen TVs at a reduced price when you’ve got sales targets to hit is much better than selling none at all.

THIS MONTH’S BARGAIN

Get a delicious 10% o tru es, luxury chocolates, bars and novelties from family-run artisan chocolatiers Sa re Handmade Chocolates. Visit sa re-chocolates. co.uk and put in the code RD1013 at the checkout.

Valid until August 1 (o er excludes chocolate shoes, chocolates for your wedding and workshops).

JARGON BUSTER RESERVE CURRENCY

This is a currency that’s generally held by countries’ central banks around the world in their reserves. It also tends to be the international pricing currency for products that are traded on a global market, and commodities such as zinc and oil.

THE ONE THING YOU MUST DO THIS MONTH...

...is give some money away. You can hand out gifts worth up to £3,000 in total in each tax year, and these gifts will be exempt from inheritance tax (IHT) when you die. This includes small gifts up to the value of £250 to as many individuals as you like in any single tax year. You can also give up to £5,000 to your child if they get married or enter into a civil partnership (£2,500 to your grandchild), bringing down the amount of IHT your children may have to pay. ■

Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

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an irish toast

Every month a guest chef shares their favourite quick recipe

This recipe is my favourite for a scrumptious St Patrick’s Day lunch! The earthy simplicity of the brown soda bread is the perfect complement to the richness of the goat’s cheese. The spicy tomato chutney adds a deep savoury note that works really well with the sweet roasted peppers and wild rocket.

March 17 is the one day of the year that everyone wants to be a little bit Irish, so I have created a fun, new app to help you find out what your percentage of Irishness is—your Paddy Proof! The Paddy Proof app is available free of charge from the App Store and Facebook. For every iPhone app downloaded, a donation will be made to charity.

fast food With paul rankin a regular on the BBC’s Ready Steady Cook, Paul rankin was the first northern ireland chef to be awarded a Michelin star.

BROWN SODA BREAD

BRUSCHETTA OF ROASTED

PEPPERS, ROCKET AND GRILLED GOAT’S CHEESE (serves

4)

2 red peppers

1 yellow pepper

Extra-virgin olive oil

8 slices of brown soda bread

1 peeled clove of garlic

8tbs spicy tomato chutney

4 thick slices of goat’s cheese

Wild rocket to serve

1 Rub the peppers with olive oil, place on a baking tray and roast in a very hot oven for about 8–10 minutes. When the skins are blackened, place the peppers in a plastic bag and seal. When cooled, remove the skin (it will peel off easily), as well as the seeds and cores, and cut into large triangular pieces.

2 Rub one side of each soda bread slice with the garlic clove and drizzle with olive oil. Toast on both sides until golden brown.

3 Place the goat’s cheese slices on a baking tray and grill for a few minutes until golden and starting to melt.

4 Place the warm toasted bread on plates (garlic side up), top with the chutney, the roasted peppers, the goat’s cheese and the wild rocket. Drizzle with olive oil and serve. ■

EATS & DRINKS WITH NIGEL BARDEN

White and black pepper are from the same plant. With the white, the peppercorn shell has been removed, resulting in a milder flavour and a pepper that blends better during cooking. White peppercorns can also be used in a grinder. The stronger black pepper gives dishes a flecked

THE BIG CHILL

IN BLACK AND WHITE

appearance, not always required in white sauces. Oddly, some people can be allergic to black pepper, but not white. The sweetest and mellowest of all are red and pink peppercorns, when the berries have ripened fully, prior to harvesting.

KNOW YOUR APPLES

Despite the prejudices, frozen veg really are a great source of nutrition, as they’re sent to the freezer just a few hours after picking. Cooking vegetables, frozen or fresh, in a microwave is also a good option nutritionally, because they retain their vitamins and minerals. Cover them—but there’s no need to add water.

RED NOSE WINE

Qua with a smile as you raise dosh for Red Nose Day courtesy of Wine Relief. Jancis Robinson (left) and hubbie Nick Lander have raised £4m since they started it in 1999. Numerous retailers are o ering interesting wines in the run up to March 15—including: ● Waxed Bat Shiraz Cab Malbec Mendoza 2012, Argentina, £8.99, Laithwaites ● Domäne Wachau Terraces Grüner Veltliner 2011, Austria, £7.39, Waitrose ● The Magnificent Crowing Cockerel Grenache Syrah Mourvèdre 2009, France, £9.99, Virgin Wines ● Bardolino “Naiano” Allegrini 2011, Italy, £8.49, Majestic.

since they started it in 1999. Numerous

Keep your peepers peeled for blemished apples in the shops. The British crop was down 50 per cent last year, so retailers are being less picky. Fortunately, there are some interesting varieties available such as Rubens, Kanzi and Cameo. The Cox has been ousted as the Brits’ favourite apple by Gala, although sadly only a third sold are British. This is daft, as ours are no dearer—and far tastier ■

Nigel Barden is the food and drink presenter on Simon Mayo’s show on BBC Radio 2, and chairman of the Great Taste Awards

Several small changes that can make a difference to your heart

M ost women don’t even realise they face a risk of high cholesterol, but making a few simple changes to your diet and lifestyle can help protect the health of your heart—and it’s never too late to start.

Flora pro.activ can play a part in helping lower your cholesterol*†

Find out your number The first step in your fight against heart disease* is to find out your cholesterol level. Visit your GP for a simple test that will give you the info you need to begin to protect your heart.

Eat the right foods A healthy diet, low in saturated fat and rich in a variety of fruit and vegetables and wholegrains, is a good start. One easy change is to start using Flora pro.activ, which doesn’t just taste delicious, it also contains cholesterol-lowering plant sterols†.

Just one mini-drink or three portions of our spread or milk each day can help to lower your cholesterol levels*†. 10g of Flora pro.activ spread is enough to have on one or two slices of toast, or on a jacket potato, and it counts as one of your three portions a day. Or why not try Flora pro.activ milk, an easy swap with your usual milk—one 250ml glass counts as one of your three portions. There are also three delicious flavours of Flora pro.activ mini-drinks: Pomegranate & Raspberry, Strawberry and Original. Get active A balanced diet needs to be combined with regular exercise. Aim for 30 minutes of moderateintensity exercise, so you breathe harder and your heart beats faster, five times a week. Exercise classes and sport are excellent, but walking, gardening and climbing stairs can all count too.

Sylvia’s story

I have always been an active person and enjoy being out in the garden and being on the move—cycling, swimming and going to the gym. Earlier in the year, I decided to give myself a health MOT and when I found out I had high cholesterol, I decided to try to reduce it.

The Flora pro.activ mini drinks are easy to take and absolutely delicious. They fit into my active lifestyle and busy schedule of voluntary work and I’ve seen some really good results.

At 5.8, I know my cholesterol level is still higher than it should be, but I’m confident that if I continue in the right direction I can reduce it to the recommended level.

Sylvia is 63 and from Chichester; she reduced her cholesterol level from 6.3 to 5.8 with help from Flora pro.activ*†

* As heart disease has multiple risk factors, you may need to improve more than one to reduce your overall risk. † Consuming 1.5–2.4g of sterols per day can lower cholesterol by 7–10% in 2–3 weeks. Individual results may vary

GARDENING WITH BOB FLOWERDEW

PERFECT SCENTS

How can I protect a fragrant but struggling houseplant from the elements?

QI have a lemon verbena houseplant. It has wonderful lemonscented leaves but is always su ering from aphids and red spider mite and looks quite pathetic. Can I plant it out, as I’ve heard it’s hardy and I hope it might do better out in the border of my sunny patio?

A

This is a plant known more by its name than in the flesh, which is a shame, as it’s beautifully scented and much nicer than most other lemon-scented plants. It now has two Latin names: either aloysia citriodora or lippia triphylla.

Lemon verbena: hardy, sweetsmelling and often underestimated

This slender but slight shrub is

This slender but slight shrub is hardy—but only about as hardy as many fuchsias, in that it may come back from low down when frosts kill o the top. In milder areas, it can be got through most winters by covering with a cloche, bracken or a thick, coarse and dry mulch. It’s also easy to propagate from cuttings, so you can have back-ups.

TREE FROM CHINA

Q

I want to grow a really unusual, not-too-large tree just to have something out of the ordinary. I have space in the middle of my front lawn. My soil is quite heavy and slightly acid.

A

OK, there is a really lovely small tree from China, xanthoceras sorbifolium (left). There are several stockists, but otherwise it’s not

widely known. This has rowan-like leaves and gorgeous blooms all along the slender branches in spring, followed by large, green, walnut-like pods that split open, dropping spherical black nuts that are edible once cooked, as are the leaves.

It would appreciate you digging in lots of leaf mould before planting, and keeping it well mulched.

THE PLOT THICKENS

QI’ve taken on an allotment where the previous tenant put on farmyard manure every year for decades. Will I need to put any fertiliser on and, if so, what natural ones can I use that don’t involve animals?

AOften old plots that have had regular applications of manure become unbalanced. The muck will have vastly improved the texture, moistureholding capacity and richness of the soil, but it may also have made the soil become acid. Vegetables prefer an alkaline soil, so I suspect you will need to add garden lime—dolomitic varieties are preferable. A handful per square yard, sprinkled on before rain, should do (ideally in the rotation before brassicas or legumes and not just before potatoes).

Any wood ashes will be beneficial, too, as they add both lime and potash. To maintain long-term fertility, you can make and return compost, and make more by growing green manures: plant mustard, borage or claytonia in a bare bed, grow it densely and then dig it in before planting. You can also use seaweed products, such as ground meal and liquid extract.

Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4’s Gardeners’ Question Time. Send your gardening questions to Bob at excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

BOB’S JOBS: MARCH

If it is dry and the soil firm, trim your grass lightly. Compost the first clippings, full of winter’s detritus, but return some future clippings to encourage the worms.

Clear the vegetable plot and sow hardy vegetables. Get onion sets, shallots and garlic in pronto, potatoes after. Plant fruit, trees, shrubs and herbaceous plants but water them the first summer. If growing under cover and with cloches and cold frames, ventilate so you don’t cook plants in the sun. Open the ventilators early in the day, but close later to save warmth.

READER’S TIP

Don’t throw out old coats—cut o the sleeves and use them as arm protectors for pruning prickly plants. Use the body panel as a winter warmer. ■

Submitted by Julie Mo at, Newport, South Wales

» Email your gardening tips and ideas— with photos, if possible—to excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk. We’ll pay £70 if we use them on this page.

Support Down to the Bone

How to look after your body’s vital framework

Don’t just wait until a problem occurs before you think about nurturing your bones. If you’ve always taken your bones for granted, start looking after them now and you’ll be sure to appreciate the benefits in years to come.

Why is bone care important?

Strong, healthy bones play a major role in mobility and flexibility, working in harmony with muscles and joints. Bone tissue is continuously replaced and built, depending on your body’s needs, so there’s a constant turnover of calcium. From the age of 30 or so, bone loss outstrips the amount of bone built, and it becomes important to safeguard your calcium and magnesium intake, which contribute to the maintenance of normal bones. For women, this is crucial during the menopause when bone loss may accelerate significantly. Older men may also experience bone loss of about one per cent every year.

Is it too late to take action?

It’s never too late to start looking after your bones. It’s especially important to make sure you eat a healthy balanced diet full of calcium and magnesium rich foods but if you’re worried you’re not getting enough calcium and magnesium in your diet each day, consider taking a supplement such as Vitabiotics Osteocare. Vitabiotics

spawn and bred

It’s breeding time for UK frogs—but how do they know that?

Many Male frogs spend the winter at the bottom of our garden ponds. Submerged frogs do not need their lungs in winter because their skin allows dissolved gases to pass through.

If a pond freezes solid it will kill a frog, but if it’s deep enough, the males will be waiting when

what? a boar

the females arrive to breed.

In Britain frog spawn starts to appear in January in the far south west; getting later as you move north, with a peak in March. But why the variation?

Records of “first frog spawn seen” were collected by the Met Office before the Second World War. The intriguing conclusion was that frogs were responding to the amounts of algae in their breeding pools. In fact, they seem to be “smelling” glycolic acid produced by the algae and migrating towards it. This makes

sense, because tadpoles eat algae—so frogs need to know the ponds contain enough before they spawn. There are around three million garden ponds in the UK, making them a really significant habitat for our beleaguered amphibians. Counting spawn gives a good idea of frog numbers, as one clump equals one female. The charity Pond Conservation would love your help with their 2013 Big Spawn Count: pondconservation.org. uk/bigponddip/ bigspawncount.

Wild boar Went extinct in Britain in the 13th century, but escapees from farmed herds are putting this magnificent creature back into the countryside. Look out for the rooting up of grassy areas as they dig for food (a habit that doesn’t endear them to farmers). Wild boar live in “sounders”: groups of adult females and youngsters, led by a matriarch. The males are more solitary. This month sows will leave the sounder and give birth in a nest of leaves and grass. A few days later, the stripy piglets—an adorable sight—will rejoin the group. Wild boar tend to be shy, but a sow may defend her young vigorously. Despite their negative press, personally I hope they’ll become a permanent and exciting part of British wildlife.

“hello britain! It’s great to be back”

let’s dance

Watch out for great crested grebes this Month. In early spring they’ll be performing their spectacular “penguin dance” where they face each other, chest to chest, and paddle furiously to rise up in the water together—often offering their partner a beak full of nesting material and slowly moving their heads from side to side like extraordinary clockwork toys. Occasionally, one grebe will dive and suddenly shoot up in front of his suitor to give his dance even more drama. The great crested grebe was nearly extinct in the 19th century because so many were shot to supply the fashion for “grebe fur”—actually the grebes’ skin and breast feathers. A group of concerned and extremely forward-thinking women got together in 1889 to form a society to stop the trade in feathers and save the grebe. In 1904 the society received a royal charter and changed its name to the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds, or the RSPB. All British birds and anyone with an interest in them owe a huge debt of gratitude to that group of remarkable women initially united by concern for the great crested grebe. ■

Martin Hughes-Games is a host of BBC2’s Springwatch and Autumnwatch

ONLINE WITH MARTHA LANE FOX

HUNGER GAMES

Whizzy apps and websites are making cooking easier than ever

At the Robot Restaurant in Harbin, China, Dalek-like machines work as waiters, cooks, entertainers and receptionists. Guests are greeted with: “Earth person, hello, welcome to the Robot Restaurant.” While they’re not my cup of tea, similar joints have popped up in Bangkok, Japan and Germany.

Changes in technology are cooking up a storm in kitchens worldwide. Pocket-sized gizmo the HAPIfork vibrates if you eat too fast, and smart fridges are now app controlled, and soon they’ll do your weekly shop too. Anyone from the ordinary foodie to the cordon bleu chef can now share pictures, recipes and reviews. Last summer, Argyll and Bute Council sparked outrage by briefly banning nine-year-old Martha Payne from blogging snaps of second-rate school dinners (neverseconds.blogspot.co.uk). She’s one of a quarter of Brits who have used a smartphone during meals.

The web is helping us reconnect with where our food comes from

favoured flavours and smells, these digital taste buds will cook up fresh combos and recipes to help us eat better. They could even tackle obesity and malnutrition too.

Food innovation is helping to crack some thorny issues. Brainy bods are using data to learn more about how we find, grow and eat food—great news as 90% of the world’s data was generated in the last two years—and clever old IBM’s cognitive tech could create a computer with “human senses”. By focusing on

Social media is key to answering questions and raising awareness. American mayor Cory Booker in Newark turned to Twitter to campaign about his week on the $29.78 food-stamp allowance, and the World Food Programme used a Google+ Hangout from the front lines of the Sahel food crisis in Africa. Streamed live on YouTube, it attracted journalists and

bloggers worldwide, and viewers submitted queries through Google+ and Twitter.

Cheeringly, the web is also helping us reconnect with where our food comes from. The National Trust’s MyFarm project (nationaltrust. org.uk/myfarm) invited hundreds of “virtual farmers” to make decisions about the Wimpole Estate farm in Cambridgeshire, and bishopsfarm. co.uk showed what it takes to get peas from field to plate. Thousands follow #AgChat hashtag every Tuesday for food and farming chat.

Martha Lane Fox is the UK’s digital champion and chairs Go ON UK (go-on.co.uk)

TRY THESE

While we all think di erently about what makes great grub, there are lots of sites and apps out there to help you find it.

● At bbc.co.uk/food you’ll find heaps of recipes, tips and cooking tricks. Watching your weight? Keep a food diary with myfitnesspal.com, or take a picture with the Meal Snap app—like magic, it reveals the good and ghastly about your food’s ingredients.

and info—including medicinal properties and poisonous lookalikes—about 165 plants and 52 lookalikes, plus fruits, nuts, roots and greens. Fancy growing your own grub? Seedtoplate.co.uk can help design and maintain a veg patch.

● Love local fare? The Foodnation app finds farmers’ shops, markets, veg-box schemes, and foods in season. Or if you fancy eating out, the Sustainable Restaurant Association app maps local joints.

● Forage for your food with the Wild Edibles app, which provides pics

ABSOLUTE BEGINNER SOCIAL NETWORKS

● DIY History is an Iowa University project where volunteers transcribe centuries of handwritten cookbooks covering the 1600s to the 1960s from the Szathmary Culinary Archives. Head to digital.lib.uiowa.edu/cook books to browse for a calf’s head soup recipe, or a “sure cure for black diptheria”.

Give an hour of your time to help an internet beginner. Go to go-on.co.uk for more. Or to find a taster session near you, call freephone 0800 77 1234

● Tripadvisor.co.uk/ restaurants includes 80 million reviews from travellers worldwide. Try toptable. co.uk to make online bookings, read reviews, and earn points towards free meals.

Around since the 1970s, social networking is a way to chat and share info online. Heard of Facebook or Twitter? They’re social networks. While Facebook has a billion monthly users, one million people joined Twitter every day last year, and 50% of social networkers are over 35. Sign up at twitter.com or facebook.com, but protect your privacy—check your settings and don’t reveal anything that might land you in hot water! ■

MOTORING WITH CONOR McNICHOLAS

THE ART OF NOISE

Think your car’s engine sound is real? Think again

Like everything on a car nowadays, the sound of your engine isn’t left to chance. You’d have thought that the noise of an engine is just a result of the power under the bonnet, but the sound of a car —especially when accelerating —is such a defining part that manufacturers spend millions getting it right.

For smaller cars, there’s light audio tuning to make sure the engine is unobtrusive while still giving you enough audio feedback to help with gear changes and suchlike. But the chassis of premium sports cars are so e ective at cutting out unwanted road hiss that engine sounds become muted, too. How to put the sporty sound back? With a lot of engineering e ort is the answer.

It includes a diaphragm that’s activated when the car is put in sport mode, which amplifies the sound of the engine inside and out without exposing you to all that messy road noise.

BMW takes this a stage further with its Active Sound Design technology. In the latest M5 super-saloon, the car produces a prerecorded engine noise as you hit the accelerator. The artificial noise follows the scream of the real 560hp engine and plays out through interior speakers. Not even the classic VW Golf GTI is immune from this audio tweaking—since 2011, the car has had an artificial vibration device behind the dashboard called the Soundaktor, which adds to the engine buzz under hard acceleration.

The new Ford Focus ST hot hatch has a system to ensure the engine is quiet when you want, but raucous under acceleration. The car features a specially engineered tube from the engine to the back of the dashboard; drop the accelerator and it opens to double the sound of the turbocharged engine.

Even the current Porsche 911 has a Sound Symposer as part of the exhaust.

Of course, full electric cars change all this because they make virtually no sound —not great if you’re a cyclist or pedestrian. Progressive car companies are looking at generating artificial sounds for electric cars so people know they’re coming. Some are experimenting with artificial engine noises (Audi), while others are looking at totally new kinds of sound—beeps, whines and the like. What would you want to hear?

ILLUSTRATED BY ARTHUR CHIVERTON

FAKING IT

If you want your car to sound like a supercar but you still have a Mini Metro, help is at hand. The SoundRacer is a device that plugs into your cigarette lighter for its power and tunes into your radio. It then follows your real engine revs to deliver a complementary soundtrack through the speakers.

ONE TO BUY

Fiat 500L (£14,990) No, this isn’t a cheeky Fiat 500 that’s piled on the pounds—this is its roomier big brother, the 500L. Fiat is trying to capitalise on the success of its cute city car by building a practical family-sized one. What it gains in character it lacks in refinement, but it’s one to add to your “everyday car” list.

ONE TO SPOT

You can choose versions that deliver a Mustang V8 growl, a Lamborghini V10 howl, a Ferrari V12 whine, and the scream of a Lexus LFA supercar V10. That should scare the passengers on the way to the shops! Get links to UK retailers at soundracer.se.

Conor McNicholas is the former editor of BBC Top Gear Magazine

of other tech gear, and retro 60s wheels. But my

VW Beetle Fender limited edition (£23,015) If you still keep those rock ’n’ roll dreams alive, then see if you can spot—or even get your hands on—one of these. A collaboration between the latest VW Beetle and legendary guitar-maker Fender, the cars get a 400-watt Fender sound system, glowing speaker surrounds, loads of other tech gear, and retro 60s wheels. But my favourite bit is the dash panel in “Sunburst” wood, just like the classic Fender guitar lacquer finish.

ONE TO DREAM ABOUT

Maserati Quattroporte, from £80,000 There’s nothing quite like the legendary name of Maserati to quicken the pulse. Roll it round your mouth for a moment. It evokes luscious glamour and devil-may-care bravado. The latest car to bear the name is the forthcoming refreshed Quattroporte super limo. With its Ferrari-built engine, it’s the embodiment of “gorgeous”. ■

travel With kate pettifer

my great escape

In 2008, my wife and I flew to Borneo for ten days. We stayed at Shangri-La’s Rasa Ria Resort, east of Kota Kinabalu, the capital city of Sabah. Mount Kinabalu dominates the landscape of this region, standing at 13,435 feet tall.

The hotel, situated by the sea and surrounded by rich rainforest, had four restaurants, a swimming-pool complex and (most interestingly) an orang-utan sanctuary and nature reserve. Sabah has average temperatures of 27C the whole year round—rainstorms can occur in the afternoon, but are short-lived.

My wife and I hired a driver to take us 70 miles inland to Ranau, a market town in the foothills of Mount Kinabalu. I’d taught English in Ranau on voluntary service in

1966/67, when I was 18. Back then, the postal service home took a month, there were no mobiles, laptops or TV, and electricity only came on at night, powered by a local generator. And yet it was one of the happiest years of my life.

I recall climbing Mount Kinabalu with a party of children one weekend in 1967, and sleeping at 9,850 feet before scaling the summit early the next morning. I made great friendships with students and fellow volunteers. One student became a nurse; another became a primary-school headteacher—she’d also been a member of our mountain-climbing party.

I mentioned all this to the driver on our day trip. He said Ranau wasn’t a popular stop with tourists any more. But when we stopped at a market there to take some photos, he must have done some talking—a lady in Muslim

BorNeo BoNaNza

Chameleon (0845 304 8670; chameleonworldwide.co.uk) has a 13-day Wildlife and Islands package to Borneo from £3,395pp, including return flights.

John Shaw from Nottingham savours a surprise reunion in Borneo

John shaw (pictured with his wife) takes a trip down memory lane in sabah, Borneo

dress came up to me and said, “Are you Mr John?”

It was the girl who’d climbed the mountain with me 41 years ago! Like me, she’d retired from teaching.

She took me to the classroom where I’d taught, and to see the past student who’d been a nurse but who now owned a clothes shop. My wife and the driver were openmouthed! We couldn’t believe such a chance meeting occurring.

It was a day

I’ll never forget, and it made our holiday very special indeed!

send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £70. see address on page 4.

travel website of the month

Travellers to spain and the canary Islands now have more choice. Beginning on March 31, British Airways flies from Gatwick to Alicante (from £88 return), and Tenerife and Lanzarote (from £157 return)—a decent alternative to cheap-flight operators. Make this your excuse to witness Tenerife’s Tegueste Festival, honouring St Mark (April 28–29), or wander the recently launched volcano-walking trails (webtenerife.co.uk).

It’s a busy month at Kew gardens. For starters, with five million bulbs in bloom, you’re bound to strike it lucky with either crocuses, daffodils or tulips (check the Bulb Watch map at kew.org). Mid-month, there’s also the chance to spy a Japanese carpet of blossom along the Cherry Walk (from the Palm House). For children, Kew’s Easter egg hunt (April 8) and chocolate workshops offer a more tangible treat.

New for this year, Discover the World is taking advantage of new Icelandair flights to Anchorage via Reykjavik to offer a range of holidays to alaska. Take their Introduction to Alaska itinerary, for example: this sevennight self-drive tour covers Denali National Park and the Kenai peninsula. From £1,573pp (May–September departures), including flights, a week’s accommodation and car hire (01737 214 291; discover-the-world.co.uk).

ramblers.org.uk/ramblersroutes The Ramblers Association has launched a new series of self-guided walks. Guides are compiled by members and verified independently, then published with route cards you can print. Write-ups include route descriptions, points of interest, and how to reach the starting point. Members can browse the entire collection (annual membership from £21); others can access a selection of shorter, introductory walks. ■

IT’S NO FICTION

Your unwanted books can help end global poverty

Christian Aid can raise life-changing funds from non-fiction books in good condition.

If you and your friends have books to donate, we’d love to hear from you. Please phone

01375 484561

We can send you boxes to pack your books in and we’ll also arrange free collection.

christianaid.org.uk

MArch

fiction reviewed by jAMes

wAlton

An extrAct froM our fAvourite new releAse how the irAq wAr destroyed My sAnity: A soldier’s heArtbreAking story books thAt chAnged My life: richArd curtis

March fiction

From Berlin to Maine: James Walton on the month’s novels

life after life

by kate Atkinson (doubleday, £18.99)

There aren’t many literary heroines who die as a newborn baby, but that’s what happens to Ursula Todd in Kate Atkinson’s startlingly brilliant new novel. Fortunately, she’s then born again, on the same day in 1910—and survives. From there, she gets an endless number of chances to live her life, trying each time to put right what went wrong

before. The trouble is that every solution creates a problem somewhere else.

But what makes the novel so endlessly rich is not just this high-concept reminder of how all of us could easily have led many different lives. It’s also the fact that every one of Ursula’s is quite beautifully done, whether she ends up an abused wife, a victim of the Blitz, or among the ruins of 1945 Berlin.

the last runaway

by tracy chevalier (harpercollins, £14.99)

There’s plenty of modern fiction in which a buttoned-up Brit pitches up in America and finds everything, from weather to politics, much fiercer than back home. The difference here is that all this happens in 1850, with

cLASSicS cORNER: A HANDFUL OF DUST

a Dorset Quaker called Honor Bright starting a new life in Ohio. For the average male reader— and possibly some female ones—the latest historical novel by Tracy Chevalier (Girl With a Pearl Earring) may well contain a bit too much quilt-making. Luckily, whenever Honor does put down her needle, things soon perk up, especially once she gets involved in helping runaway slaves. The result is an always vivid and increasingly

Fans of Evelyn Waugh tend to be divided between those who like his early, funny novels (Scoop, Decline and Fall) and those who prefer the later, more sombre work (Brideshead Revisited, the Sword of Honour trilogy). Fortunately, there’s a way of combining the two. A Handful of Dust, published in 1934, mixes comedy with an unsparing—and painfully autobiographical— portrait of marital break-up. It also features one of the most famously horrifying endings in all fiction. endings

exciting portrait of America in its difficult adolescence.

the killing Pool

by kevin sampson (jonathan cape, £12.99)

This is not a book likely to appeal to the Liverpool Tourist Board—with its references to the city as, among other things, “a cesspit”, “a depraved hellhole”, and “an

unspeakable s***hole”. Then again, if you’re going to write a hard-boiled thriller, you might as well boil it as hard as possible —and Kevin Sampson certainly holds nothing back in a ferociously

compelling slice of Scouse noir that comes complete with evil drugs barons, Gene-Hunt-style coppers and a few shining lights, led by DCI Billy McCartney, who naively believes that the police’s main job is to catch villains. True, there’s an utterly preposterous closing twist. Yet given that it consists of one word on the last page, it can probably be (just about) forgiven.

five days by douglas kennedy (hutchinson, £9.99)

Douglas Kennedy’s bestselling novels usually mix great storytelling with rather too many banal thoughts on the Meaning of Life. In Five Days, by contrast, we get only one of those elements...

The narrator is Laura, an unhappily married middle-aged woman from Maine in the US. In her opinion, however, the real problem is that she often

forgets how totally great she is. (This, naturally, qualifies as low selfesteem.) She then meets Richard, who shares her taste in psychobabble, and after trading platitudes for a few hours (“Love is the most longed-for, yet most mysterious, of emotions”), the two are smitten.

At times, the novel is so excruciating that you half-wonder if Kennedy— a respected writer, after all—is satirising Laura’s ability to combine selfobsession with a complete absence of self-knowledge. The terrible truth, though, is that we’re clearly meant not only to like her, but to value her insights.

Quick Quiz can you name the author—whose latest novel is out in paperback this month—from these clues? (And, of course, the fewer you need the better.)

1. He wrote America’s best-selling novel of 1994—and of 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999 and 2000. (All with different books.)

2. People who’ve starred in the film versions of his novels include Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, Dustin Hoffman, Sandra Bullock and Kevin Spacey.

3. All of those people played lawyers. Answer on p150

How war can blow your mind

As a bomb disposal expert, Brian Castner was desperate to get to Iraq “before all the fun was gone”. He now realises what it cost him

The Long Walk is not a book for those who like their war memoirs full of easy heroism. In his author’s note, Brian Castner explains that nothing in his story has been changed “to create a moral or to ease discomfort” —and he proves as good as his word. The account he gives us may be neatly structured, but it’s also both raw and entirely convincing.

Having joined the United States Air Force after college, Castner found his vocation at a training day in 2001 when he was taught how to make a bomb safe. It then took a year of badgering his commander before he was allowed to go to Explosive Ordnance Disposal school, where he proudly decided that bomb disposal was “like being a surgeon, except if you screw up, you die, not the patient”. Nine months later, he was qualified and desperate to go to Iraq “before all the fun was gone”.

Perhaps not surprisingly, once he got his wish, the feeling of excitement didn’t last long. The work of his unit consisted less of dismantling bombs and more of collecting evidence amid the carnage after they’d gone off. There are some extraordinarily tense set-pieces where Castner and his team do have to prevent explosions. More often, though, they’re faced with scenes of horror. And either way, there’s usually a large crowd of locals who clearly don’t want the Americans there—and, in some cases, prove it by shooting at them.

But, just as powerfully, the tales from Iraq are interspersed with what happened to Castner when he got home (see panel, right). At first, he didn’t seem greatly affected. Then, a few years later, he was about to cross the road with his aunt: “I stepped off the curb normal. When my right foot hit the road, I was Crazy.” (In the book, Crazy is always important enough to earn a capital C.) The symptoms include “eye twitches, rib aches, heart gurgles, chest

hoPiNg For Peace—LiFe

Back home:

“when i wake in the morning, it is the only time all day that the crazy feeling is not all-powerful.

“i wish my whole day could be that first split second.

“instead, my first thought is always the same. Will I be Crazy today?

“And the answer is always ‘yes’ before my feet hit the floor.

“when i make breakfast for the children, i feel crazy.

“when i drive them to school, i feel crazy.

“when i sit in front of the ►

Joey Campagna

fullness”, as well as heavy drinking, fantasies of violence and an overwhelming sense of despair. What was later diagnosed as blastinduced traumatic brain injury has also left his memory full of holes.

Here, he explains how that happened—but first, showing the degree of his honesty, are his thoughts on being shot at…

The first time someone tried to kill me, I experienced a predictable flood of emotions. Fear. Anger. Worry for my [military] brothers. I was not expecting to be confused. Why would they be trying to kill me? I thought. Don’t they know it’s me! That I have a wife and children? A mother who loves me and a house with a mortgage and a master’s degree I haven’t finished yet and plans to hike the Appalachian Trail someday with an old friend from Tennessee? If they only knew all that, they wouldn’t try to kill me. They’d know it’s me they were trying to kill, and they’d stop. They’d understand their mistake.

None of that changes one basic truth, however. Every moment you are being shot at, you are blissfully, consciously, wonderfully, tangibly alive in the most basic visceral way imaginable…

“Every day something is blowing up”: bomb disposal work in Iraq, as seen in the Oscarwinning film The Hurt Locker

The Long Walk: a Story of War and the Life

That Follows by brian castner is published by doubleday at £16.99

The most insidious damage occurs during missions where you think you’re fine. Where you see the road erupt in front of your vehicle as you scream down a lonely Iraqi highway. The driver notes the danger too late, tries to stop and swerve, but the windshield suddenly fills with smoke and debris as the blast wave overwhelms the front of the truck. Your chest thumps, your ears ring, and your head splits under the weight of the crack. Chunks of asphalt embed themselves in the armoured glass, and pieces of bumper and headlight are torn and scattered. Your front tyre thuds into and out of the newly created crater as your vehicle finally grinds to a halt.

If you are a bomb technician, chances are you don’t have only one lucky scrape. You have dozens

You pat yourself down; all fingers and toes accounted for. No blood or missing pieces. Your harness kept you locked to your seat. The radio jumps to life. Are you all right?, the convoy commander wants to know. Is everyone fine?

You look at the driver, he looks at you. You both laugh, as the adrenalin takes over and you start to shake. Yeah, you’re fine. Luckiest sons of bitches on the planet.

But you are not fine. Inside your head, nerve connections that used to exist have been torn and broken. If the blast was close and more damage done, you may have lost parts of high-school geometry, the coordination needed to tie flies for your fishing reel, or the ability to make decisions at the supermarket about what meat to buy. If you are lucky, you only lost your son’s first steps or the night you asked your wife to marry you.

And if you are a bomb technician, chances are you don’t have only one lucky scrape, only one detonation where you were a little too close. You have dozens. Or hundreds. Every day, something is blowing up. Every day, your brain rips just a little bit more.

computer, i feel crazy.

“when i wait for dinner to finish cooking, i feel crazy.

“when i read my children a book before bed, i feel crazy.

“when i lie next to my wife at night, i feel crazy.

“the crazy feeling distracts from every action, poisons every moment. it demands full attention. it bubbles and boils and rattles, and fills my chest with an overwhelming unknown swelling.

“i wake every morning hoping not to be crazy. every morning i am. i grind through. Month follows month.

“this is my new life. And it’s intolerable.”

...AND THE QUICK QUIZ?

The answer was

John Grisham. Theodore Boone: The Accused —the latest in his series aimed at eight- to 15-year-olds—is published by Hodder & Stoughton at £6.99.

Books that Changed my Life

Richard Curtis wrote Four Weddings and a Funeral, Notting Hill and Love Actually, as well as Blackadder and Mr Bean. He’s the founder of Make Poverty History and Comic Relief. Red Nose Day is on March 15.

Monty Python’s Big Red Book

SlaughterhouseFive by Kurt Vonnegut

Monty Python was the most important comic influence on my generation. At least 50 per cent of our conversations at school were simply repeating Python sketches. The book was blue, which was already funny, and it was packed with jokes, comedy sketches and drawings. It was such good value; something Comic Relief has always tried to give. And John Cleese? He taught me to laugh. We set Blackadder in history because we knew we couldn’t write a modern comedy as good as Fawlty Towers. I’d never have written a British film if A Fish Called Wanda hadn’t given us hope. And I wouldn’t have started Comic Relief if The Secret Policeman’s Ball hadn’t paved the way for comedy as a means to raise funds. school funny, was

Bury the Chains

by Adam Hochschild

I’d always thought of life and literature as full of formal preconceptions: if you were clever, then you couldn’t be good at sport, and books

were made up of perfectly formed sentences. But Slaughterhouse-Five blew that out the water. It was radical and weird and had an informality of tone that appealed to me as an 18-yearold who’d never liked rules. It’s also profoundly moral—an anti-war novel disguised as a grumpy diary disguised as a science-fiction novel. I’ve since read every word that Vonnegut ever wrote.

It’s the story of Thomas Clarkson, who spent his life working to abolish the slave trade. As a student at Cambridge, he’d written an essay on slavery. When it was finished, he said, “If the contents of the essay were true, it was time some person should see the calamities to their end.” Clarkson was that man. I read the book in 2004 and it inspired me to give two years to the Make Poverty History campaign. We need to believe that things can be changed if enough people fight for it. ■

As told to Caroline Hutton

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British and German agents race the advancing Blitzkrieg to find a missing radar part. But can aristocratic Sir Freddy ever be a match for ruthless S.S. agent Heidi Fuchs?

“Nail biting to the last page. A top writer on top form!”

AMAZON: BOOK or KINDLE

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* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

1. Noughts and crosses

Put a nought (O) or a cross (X) in each cell so that there are no lines of three (OOOs or XXXs) in any direction. There’s more than one answer.

3. Pathfinder

Beginning with the highlighted letter, follow a continuous path to find 19 words relating to running. The trail passes through each and every letter once and may twist up, down or sideways, but never diagonally.

Teatime Puzzles

2. Suko Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the spaces, so that the number in each circle is equal to the sum of the four surrounding spaces, and each colour total is correct.

this month’s Answers

£50 prize question (answer will be published in the April issue)

Wordladder Change one letter at a time (but not the position of any letter) to make a new word—and move from the word at the top of the ladder to the word at the bottom using the exact number of rungs provided.

The first correct answer we pick on March 1 wins £50!* Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk

Answer to February’s prize question:

One solution is: Nape, nave, pave, pace, pack, peck, neck

And the £50 goes to… Jill Choules from Bognor Regis

Laugh!

WIN £70 FOR EVERY READER’S JOKE WE PUBLISH. EMAIL EXCERPTS@ READERSDIGEST.CO.UK OR GO TO FACEBOOK.COM/READERSDIGESTUK

¶ Apparently, Listerine reduces up to 56 per cent more plaque than brushing alone. But what if you brush with someone else?

Seen on Facebook

¶ How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out-of-control, elaborate lie I need help with.

Twitter user @alicewhitey

¶ A colleague said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore tap shoes to work. Seen on the internet

¶ After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

She replied, “Yes, dear, you were. But I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Julie Moffat, South Wales

¶ Q: Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie?

A: Because he was too far out, man.

Seen on the internet

“I’m not afraid of a face-to-face confrontation, Simpson. That is you, isn’t it, Simpson?”

¶ ONE DAY, AT A RESTAURANT, A MAN SUDDENLY called out, “My son is choking! He just swallowed a fivepence coin! Help, please—anybody—help!”

A man from a nearby table stood up and said, “Step aside—I have experience with this sort of thing.” He strode over, wrapped his hands around the boy, and squeezed. Out popped the coin.

“Wonderful! Thank God!” the father cried. “Sir, I can’t thank you enough. Are you a paramedic?”

“No,” replied the man. “I work for the Inland Revenue.”

Gloria Wilding, Prescot, Merseyside

¶ A motorist is driving down the M25 behind an 18-wheel lorry. Every time the two vehicles stop in traffic, the lorry driver gets out of his cab, runs round to the back and bangs on the truck door. After observing this several times, the motorist follows the lorry driver as he pulls into a service station.

When they’ve both come to a stop, the lorry driver once

tube strike. smarties everywhere Comedian

Milton Jones, by Twitter

again jumps out, sprints behind the lorry and starts banging on the door.

“I don’t mean to be nosey, but why do you keep knocking at that door?” the motorist asks.

The lorry driver replies, “Sorry, I can’t talk now. I have 20 tons of canaries and a ten-ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”

Seen on the internet

I was just sideswiped by a pronoun. I didn’t see that coming

Seen on the internet

the trouble With March

Award-winning comedian Josh Widdicombe is 5ft 6.5in tall, and his favourite TV show is The Simpsons. Each month, he lets us know just exactly what his problem is.

Everybody knows the Christmas period is a terrible time to have your birthday, but where are the support groups for those of us given the worst fate of all: the Easter-time birthday? Receiving a joint birthday-and-Christmas present must be annoying, but you haven’t suffered until you’ve had a childhood of birthday Easter eggs.

Yes, people really think they can get away with this. Easter eggs are many things—moreish, fun to hunt, a good way to get a free mug—but they are not, and never will be, acceptable birthday gifts. On top of this, on the years when my big day came after Easter, I’d be fully aware I was probably receiving a reduced-to-clear egg or—worse—the dreaded rewrap.

by josh WiddicoMbe

I’m pretty sure this doesn’t happen if your special day falls at another time of year—“Happy November birthday. I’ve got you a poppy for your lapel!”—so why Easter? At least Christmas is essentially the same thing: the anniversary of a birth (Jesus’, for the slower readers). Easter is about a death and resurrection—something I'm fully aware I'm yet to do. And, anyway, surely if one day I do pull that off... don’t I deserve more than a chocolate treat?

contrived jokes

FroM Madeupjokeparty.tuMblr.coM

These clumsily crafted gems were first broadcast on The Adam and Joe Show (BBC Radio 6 Music). The joy is in the tortuous set-ups...

“Waiter, waiter, could I have some more of these small, sweet-tasting onions?”

“Sorry, sir, that’s shallot.”

This morning, the strangest thing happened. I got out of bed and started walking round the flat making small talk with various pieces of furniture.

Turns out I’d pressed the schmooze button on my alarm. I did trigonometry on the beach because I wanted to be a tanned gent (tangent).

Unfortunately I stayed too long and got sin burnt.

Why did the Belgian keep mixing up his indefinite articles? Because he was an twerp (Antwerp)

What is the correct protocol when entering a room occupied by one of the wives of Henry VIII? Just amble in (Ann Boleyn)

I once scuppered a young child’s plans for a non-violent protest in India. It was like taking Gandhi from a baby.

clothes-tag trolls

Small and hidden, the clothes label is the perfect place to enact some mischief.

our cover star sue perkins’s favourite Joke?

Janet StreetPorter walks into a bar. She says to the barman, “Could I have a large aperitif?” And the barman say, “I doubt it.” (But I’d like to say, on record, that I really like Janet Street-Porter and I’m really sorry.)

¶ I went to a fancydress party dressed as an oven, and my mate turned up in the same outfit! I said, “I thought you were coming dressed as an exotic bird!”

He said, “No. I said I was coming as a cooker, too!” Roger Newberry, via Facebook

¶ Q: What starts with “e”, ends with “e”, and has one letter in it?

A: An envelope. Seen on the internet

¶ A group of soldiers stood in formation at an army base. “All right!” shouted the drill sergeant. “All you idiots fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained standing to attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, “There sure were a lot of them, weren’t there, sir?”

Seen on the internet

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Zoe Lyons

Favourite bit oF stand-up? i love physical comedy, like kerry Godliman and sarah kendall. sarah just has these little cues. it’s amazing the laughs you get from the raise of an eyebrow.

Funniest heckle you’ve received?

When somebody shouted out, “What made you choose those shoes?” I love how people’s heads work. I’m on stage, trying to get a laugh, and somebody’s thinking, Ooh, I wouldn’t have chosen that brand of footwear. It gets to the point where they obviously think, I’m going to have to tell her—I feel it’s my duty!

Funniest thing that’s ever happened to you? I once got trapped on a train from London to Brighton for nine hours because of snow. It was like a wartime spoof—not being able to get out, and watching everyone go from denial to acceptance, and eventually sing songs. Did I entertain them? No. I’m the person who sits back and watches people unfurl.

Favourite tv shoW?

Family Guy and American Dad I’m astounded at how good the writing is, and the stuff they can get away with. My favourite character is Stewie on Family Guy—he’s the son I’ll never have.

Finally, Who’s your coMedy inspiration?

People I used to watch when I was younger, like Robin Williams Emo Philips and Rita Rudner. I went to see Rudner recently in London. It was a bit sad, because her audience were still stuck in the 80s—there was a lot of maroon cord and badly puttogether asymmetrical jumpers. But she’s great. I go back when I want to go forward, if you know what I mean. n

Zoe Lyons is now on tour. See zoelyons. co.uk for details

Beat the Cartoonist!

WIN £100 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-March alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you’ll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions @readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 4 by March 8. Enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/ caption. We’ll announce the winner in our May issue. ■

IN NEXT MONTH’S ISSUE…

JANUARY’S WINNER

The readers now have a firm grip on this contest, with Gay Cottam’s “Right, lads, you’ll have to dig. I’ve just had my nails done” seeing o cartoonist Steve Russell’s caption, “Here be the treasure, mateys! This plant has a property that we’ll use as the active ingredient in a range of cosmetics that will revolutionise skincare.”

SCOREBOARD READERS 8 CARTOONISTS 5

• Feeling thirsty? We name Britain’s best pubs

• Why singing keeps you healthy

• How a tea plantation in Rwanda is transforming lives

PLUS New column!

Medical Mythbusters

Gillian Anderson on playing an enigmatic cop in thrilling new crime series The Fall

Wish you could shop for a new bladder?

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To find out more about overactive bladder and the help available visit

www.bladderproblem.co.uk

Or call our free helpline on 0800 011

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