Reader's Digest March 2012

THE TRUTH

ABOUT THE TITANIC

100 years on THE REAL MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE:

"I'M 45 AND IN THE

eet Britain's oldest ew member

INOR SURGERY

When it's worth it

Irf OAT-RACE SQUAD!"

When it's not

tricked myself into not being EDMONDSON gloomy. And it worked!"

HOW TO live for free find a good builder cut food waste hand-tie a bouquet speed read

Why are girls pony mad?

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ARCH 2012 Digergt FEATURES

"You think you know the story of Titanic," says TV producer Nigel Stafford-Clark, "but we unearthed some intriguing facts you might not be familiar with."

"I have more respect for bacteria than I do for politicians," says journalist Toby Murcott. "Bacteria can make it rain, move mountains and prevent disease— and never push leaflets through your door."

"Animals typical of our countryside were once foreign intruders," points out Maverick illustrator Frances Castle. "So how far should we go to keep new species out?"

"I'vestruck a blow for older people": Boat Race hopeful James Ditzell gets ready to row

REGULARS

CONSUMER MEDIA EDITOR OF THE YEAR 2011

WINNER OF THE MARK BOXER AWARD 2011

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I used to get a bit sniffy when my mother said she only ever wanted to watch films or TV that made her feel good: "After all, there's enough misery in the world as it is." Oh honestly, I thought. Do you really believe it's all non-stop Sound of Music out there? But something happened on the way to my becoming that bit more grown up— I'm starting to agree with her. Because life's not all misery either—although you'd be forgiven for thinking it was, judging by most media output. Ade Edmondson, our cover star, agrees: "If you watched an average week of British TV, you'd come away thinking we're a nation of murderous drink-driving egotistical con artists." Find out how "the shouty bloke" from the The Young Ones changed his tune, too, on page 36.

(,4Y

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Correction: In our January issue we said that the Time Machine Museum of Science Fiction is in Hertfordshire, but it is in fact in Herefordshire. Apologies for the confusion! Dicrest

Visit the Cybernien in Herefordshire

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Thanks to all those who've entered our 100-Word Story ,;32,.7.4/`,:•;r12, Competition. We'll be announcing the winners, ,0' v the e.

Our judges A N Wilson, Lynne Truss, RD books editor James Walton and RD

editor Gill Hudson are

already sharpening their pencils... in our May issue so watch this space!

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TAKE A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

If you can't help but get excited by a kestrel hovering overhead or a vole scuttling into the hedgerow, then take your nature-watching to a new level with our latest book: Wild Britain, which is arriving in our online shop this month. With more than 1,000 secret spots detailed on local maps, Wild Britain will direct you to the best moors, mountains, fields and forests for spotting specific species, so if you want to know the best cathedral spire for peregrine sightings, or the best riverbank to spot otters, this is a must. Wild Britain also features plenty of useful tips, such as how to differentiate a brown hare from an Irish hare, or the best time of year to spot wild orchids.

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OVER TO YOU...

EMAILS, LETTERS, TWEETS AND FACEBOOK

£30 FOR EACH PUBLISHED LETTER, £15 FOR SHORTER EXTRACTS, £50 FOR THE LETTER OF THE MONTH!

SEE PAGE 4 FOR MORE DETAILS

LETTER OF THE MONTH

I read your Maverick feature "Turn Out the Traffic Lights" with interest. It made many valid points, but I still feel that traffic lights have their place on our roads.

For example, I don't feel as agitated waiting at traffic lights as I do queueing at a roundabout. At least we all get the same turn at getting through a junction with traffic lights, whereas roundabouts can cause long tailbacks at busy intersections. They require people to make quick decisions—some find it hard to filter into traffic, waiting far longer than necessary to enter the roundabout, only to change their minds and stop dead. This causes accidents when the person behind decides to follow. At least traffic lights are unambiguous—it's stop or go.

It would help matters in this country if we had more lights that detect car movements (ones that change to green if nothing's coming the other way). I believe this works well in Scandinavia.

Paula Gerrard, Spondon, Derby

SENSIBLE EATING

It's pleasantly surprising that you advocate a lifestyle rich in foods containing fats in "Why Diets Don't Work".

I've avoided grains and limited my carb intake since July 2010. While it's often hard to ignore sugar cravings, the health benefits I've experienced—weight loss, increased energy and reduced joint pain—are huge (despite the comments I get from sceptical friends and family).

Rachel Watson, Cumbria

The all-or-nothing approach is the main reason why people give up on diets. I gave birth to three babies in as many years, and had to deal with related weight issues. Sure enough, eating small portions and getting plenty of exercise always did the trick for me.

Anne Lyken-Garner, Bristol

A DOOMED VENTURE

Dr Simon Thurley states in "If I Ruled the World" that he'd "plant a trillion trees". If he planted one tree every second, this task would take just over 31,688 years. It may be, as he says, a great way to curb climate change and make the world more beautiful, but b-

"Health and Safety, mate"

he's unlikely to live long enough to achieve his dream.

Brian O'Callaghan, Glasgow

"I'd make sure that charities manage their money properly," Simon Thurley says. But there's no need—in England and Wales at least, all charities are monitored by The Charity Commission, answerable to the courts for its legal decisions and its interpretation of law. This should preserve the integrity of charities.

Carol Cooper, Norfolk

BEST IN SHOW

I loved your Best of British article about quirky museums, many of which I've visited. I'd like to draw your attention to The Maritime Museum in Hull (above right). It's

both educational and visually excellent, with enough variety to appeal to youngsters and old fogeys like myself! Frances Clegg, London HAl

The People's History Museum in Manchester gets my vote. It charts the fight for democracy in Britain over the last 250 years or so—you can sit in a suffragette's kitchen, see Michael Foot's "donkey jacket", and listen to speeches. I was hooked when I first visited, and couldn't stop returning.

Pete Yearsley, Manchester TECHNOLOGY TRAP

"In the Future" featured one item that left me cold—a

"COME AGAIN?"

• "...The law's out to get you, Roland. You can run but you cannot hide. The Rutland Pest Control warden's van has the number plate PC (02) RAT..."

• "...My dog died last year, and I missed him so much I decided to grow a beard. Just so I'd have something to stroke..."

• "...That's my old man moaning over for today but be prepare [sic] I shall be landing in your back gardens again be sure about that..."

• "...We keep them poles apart because they do not get on together. But it does give them some pleasure..."

• "...I was confused when I heard my husband tell his friend he took a cold shower every morning, because to my knowledge he didn't. When I quizzed him, he retorted, 'I have a grapefruit for breakfast, don't IT..."

touch screen that doubles as a half-length mirror and a giant iPad, so you can instant message while you shave. I retreat to the bathroom to get away from all of that!

Jack Webb, Clwyd

SAFE BEHIND THE WHEEL

Having been on the same Speed Awareness Course that Conor McNicholas mentions in his Motoring column, I agree that all motorists should have to attend these courses. In general, the information is very useful even in day-today driving, but one thing that stuck in my mind was the impact when braking from various speeds—the difference is really incredible.

Craig Mitchell, Cumbria

As part of our happiness campaign, we asked what gets you through the day, and you quickly replied. Keep them coming!

I see lots of dog walkers in the park, chatting happily. I don't have a dog, but I often walk with them—it's a great way to start the day!

Hilary Nunns, Surrey

I stomp around town grinning like a Cheshire cat. I nearly always get a smile back!

Joan Chapman, Cumbria

I try to focus on something nice about everyone I meet. It helps to make you see people in a positive light.

Lynn Page, Derbyshire

A friend of mine wrote a song called "A Thousand Things Went Right Today". People should focus on that, rather than on the one thing that might have gone wrong.

Kevin Hartley, Lancashire

YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT...

"Drugged-Up Britain", our fourpart series on NHS overprescribing.

• I think everyone over 60 should get regular reviews of the medication they're taking. I go to the gym three times a week, walk as much as possible, and, apart from a few joint twinges, I feel as fit as a flea.

Barbara Ann Clough, West Yorkshire

• If placebos are free, harmless and make people feel better, why aren't we using them? I'm all for tricking the mind into thinking it can get better.

Justin Cooper, London N2

• Rather than a one-way relationship between doctor and patient, a greater focus on mutual decision-making and discussions would reduce unnecessary drug-taking.

Arianna Viol, Leeds

Turn your unwanted jewellery into a precious gift

Do you have a bracelet with a broken clasp, a necklace you never wear, even a single earring or cufflink? Any gold, silver or costume jewellery is valuable to us. Send us your unwanted jewellery and we'll recycle it to raise much needed funds to support people with dementia, their families and their carers. The Old Jewellery Appeal has so far raised over €750,000 to improve the lives of those affected by dementia. Every single donation makes a difference. Call us, or go online, and we'll send you one of our special Freepost padded envelopes. Alternatively, you can send your donation directly to the Freepost address below.

YOUR SHORT, SHARP GUIDE TO MARCH

We Bought a Zoo. It's lucky that this movie is based on a true story or you probably wouldn't believe it. Matt Damon plays Benjamin Mee, a writer who moves his family to a crumbling zoo and, to cope with his wife's death, embarks on a huge project to save it. Not helping in the very-likely stakes, Scarlett Johansson plays his head keeper. But this is surprisingly heart-warming fun.

Khodorkovsky. As Russian plutocrats seem to be buying

British—everything from newspapers to football teams—it's a good idea to know a bit more about them. Director Cyril Tuschi gives us an eye-widening insight into a world of wealth and corruption as he tells the story of Mikhail Khodorkovsky, once Russia's richest man, who's currently in prison after insulting Vladimir Putin one too many times. A Po

Author and BBC2 Review

Show critic

Natalie Haynes on the new releases

AR

dark, funny, deeply troubling look at how absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Moneyball. This drama received far too little press when it came out last year. It's beautifully acted and staggeringly well written: no surprise, when you discover that the screenwriters were Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network) and Steven Zaillian (Schindler's List). Brad Pitt stars as the baseball manager trying to produce a topflight team with low-level funding. Hugo. Martin Scorsese may not seem like the obvious director for a children's film about a boy who lives in Montmartre station and spends his time rebuilding an automaton. But the man behind Taxi Driver has made something utterly charming.

Gadgets and 6

iLuv Vibro II alarm clock dock, £49.99. Ah, the snooze button: my favourite feature on any alarm clock. But also my worst enemy. It creates the illusion that I was somehow mistaken when I set the alarm; that it's possible to have just...another... five...minutes' kip and still get to work on time. The buzzer on this new iPhone dock is the rude Technology expert and Answer Me This! podcaster Oily Mann reveals the latest must-haves

awakening I need. It incorporates a villainous "shaker" pad to put under your pillow, which vibrates in time with the beeps—or your choice of thrash metal anthem from your music collection. Sleep, be gone!

01111111111111111•11,

AND CHECK OUT...

Sony "

HDR-r '100, around £30 Comes with a built-In projector, so you can watch home movies "cinema style".

This combat game makes a jolly return, 25 years after its hero Pit and his pixelated bow and arrow first graced the NES console.

Remote app for Panasonic VIERA TV, .

Lost your remote control again? Well, hold fast before you disassemble the sofa, for this handy innovation allows you to control your TV using your tablet computer or smart). phone. Hardcore couch potatoes can even bounce web content (such as YouTube videos or Facebook photos) right from their portable device onto their gogglebox.

Ren Harvieu by Ren Harvieu. Think the real-life Little Voice of classic pop. Last year, while larking about in a field in the small hours with some "refreshed" mates, this partFrench Canadian, part-Salford lass (pictured) managed to snap several vertebrae. As she lay in hospital, one Johnny Marr decided to cheer her up by calling to say he was a fan—and her songs about love do remind you of a clutch of romantic-pop acts that includes The Smiths. But she also has an astonishing voice, as rich as she is pale and slight. A star in the making.

of Art chic geeks now relocated, naturally, to east London, this band has been known to the cognoscenti through a handful of releases over the past four years. But their debut album reveals them as the great white hopes of that most niche of genres: lndie Prog Disco. Like the sound of that? Then you'll love this. Clever, catchy, quirky and defiantly un-laddish.

L.A. Woman by The Doors. Think the blues had a baby... and it went to college and did film studies. To some, Jim Morrison was the archetypal rock frontman: carnal, poetic and dangerous. To others, he was a right nana in leather trousers who got fat and snuffed it. Extricating The Doors' real worth from the myth of their singer is well-nigh impossible. To get the full force

Django Django by Django Django. Think Franz Ferdinand and Kraftwerk go to Studio 54. A quartet of Edinburgh College

of their primal energy, maybe you had to be there—"there" being California in the late Sixties. But this is probably the next best thing—the most potent document of their driving psychedelic blues, now spruced up for a 40th-birthday reissue. r,

BBC 6 Music's Stuart Maconie's pick of the recent releases

World Figure Skating Championships, Nice, Ice will blast its way onto the usually sunny French Riviera this month, as the globe's top skaters arrive with their Salchows, Lutzes and medically inadvisable forced smiles. Italian Carolina Kostner (above) is fancied for the women's title, while last year's champ, Canada's Patrick Chan, is favourite among the men. Let's all hope the hooligans stay away, though. No one wants to see running battles between the Savchenko-Szolkowy and Volosozhar-Trankov supporters during the free programme. Expect a huge police presence. World Indoor Athletics Championships, Istanbul, Turkey, With the ALSO ON OUR PA

AR

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month's action

excitement and grumbling building ahead of the Olympics, much British interest will be focused on emerging polevaulter Holly Bleasdale, who recently kertwanged her way to a national record of 4.87 metres. But sadly the authorities have again failed to include the javelin in this indoor event due, apparently, to health-andsafety issues. Thanks, Brussels.

NEWS EXTRA...

From now on, every Grand Prix can be seen on the Sky Sports Fl channel. The Australian Grand Prix is on March 18.

March 3 World Pasty Championships, the Eden Project, Cornwall. March 23-25 Sport Relief.

March 30-April 15 Edinburgh International Science Festival.

Katy Slimming, 25, operations controller

WATCHING

Sherlock (BBC1).

I love seeing Sherlock's analytical brain ticking over.

LICTFNINC Brothers in Arms, Dire Straits. It may be old, but it never ages. Several songs have a real feelgood factor.

ON londondailyphoto. blogspot.com.

A new image of something in the capital—from a grand building to graffiti—is posted every day. Random but fascinating.

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. Beautifully written, and really tells you what it's like to be a woman in Afghanistan. ■

flle know your garden is part of your home, so our home insurance covers items you may have in your garden for up to £2500, even if they normally belong inside. We also cover trees, plants and shrubs for up to £2000. That may seem on the generous side, but when you come to make a claim we prefer not to disappoint.

For a home insurance quote, find your local branch at nfumutual.co.uk/home

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP...

1 As a keen photographer, I was very nervous to be doing my first wedding. When I arrived with my husband (also my assistant), it dawned on us that we'd gone to the wrong venue. In a panic, we bolted out of the building—my husband in the lead and me trailing behind, nearly in tears.

As we fled, I heard one of the security guards remark, "That ceremony didn't go too well."

Joanne Campbell, Antrim, Northern Ireland

I I recently moved out of a rented house. The letting agents, typically thorough, sent me a 33-page report. Each comment had a box allocating responsibility for putting things right before the deposit was returned.

I was surprised to see that, after a week of rain, the agents had noticed "the grass was very wet". This was also, it seems, my responsibility.

Jw!e JA,31: Sw,SE,

II Last Christmas was even more hectic than usual. In a mad rush, I bought a very

"Will you look at this place— it's nothing like a pigsty!"

ON A TRIP TO THE SUPERMARKET WITH MY MOTHER,

I sent her inside while I went to fetch a shopping trolley. There was one standing on its own, so I wheeled it inside.

I soon realised why it had been abandoned. The wheels all seemed to be working in different directions, and it felt as if the brakes were permanently on. Nevertheless, I struggled on until I found my mother in one of the aisles. I made my way towards her, but I was surprised by the look I got when she turned round.

"What the hell are you doing?" she demanded in a strained whisper. "Look down, Marilyn."

When I did so, I saw a large black Labrador tied to my trolley—somehow, I'd failed to notice him. I then had to take the wagging dog all the way around the store to the exit. Fortunately, the owner remained blissfully unaware. Marilyn French, Isle of Wight

expensive doll for my three-yearold daughter. I didn't even look at it properly until she unwrapped it on Christmas Day. Glancing at the package, I couldn't help exclaiming, "It's robbery!" "Robbery?" she replied. "What a beautiful name!"

"With the sun rising in that position, I think it's blue bin for recycling to be put out tomorrow" I My wife and I were on a coach trip to Kent. As we left the coach, we were given our hotel room number-007. Approaching the desk, I repeated this information to the receptionist. In response, she turned to my wife and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs Bond!"

"Oh, no," my wife replied. "I'm Mrs Brown."

Mike Brown, Norfolk

I We live near a beautiful beach that's very popular with families. Visitors are asked to grade the local attractions on our tourist website, and we were surprised when one person gave the beach a low rating. The reason? "This beach is no good for children.

I MY DAUGHTER RECENTLY offered a home to a ginger tom from the Cat Rescue Centre. To make life more comfortable for him, she fitted a magnetic cat flap

WIN £70 FOR YOUR TRUE, FUNNY STORIES. EMAIL excerpts@ readers digest.co.uk OR GO TO facebook. com/readers digestuk

When we visited, it was under three feet of water."

Sadly, we didn't get a chance to explain the tides to him.

I Our lights were playing up, so we called in an electrician. Our eight-year-old grandson was fascinated by this man, and sat observing his work very closely. Noticing our grandson's interest, the electrician said, "You can ask me anything, son."

After thinking quietly for a few moments, our grandson said, "How fast can a giraffe run?"

to the door, which included a magnet to fit on his collar. Our son-in-law then decided to feed him using a stainless-steel bowl. The result was a hysterical

cat running around the kitchen with a metal feeding bowl around his neck. A plastic bowl was swiftly substituted.

WORD POWER

Harry Mount ticks off points on a map

Modern maps and atlases owe a debt to the Flemish cartographer Gerardus Mercator, inventor of the Mercator projection world map, later used by sailors to navigate the high seas. To celebrate his 500th birthday this month, we're testing your own knowledge of mapping.

Answer A, B or C below.

1 hydrography n

A underwater photography

B study of bodies of water

C charting of deserts

2 contour n

A line connecting places of equal height B snow line

C windmill sign on map

3 trig point n

A bottom of riverbed

B compass sign C hilltop reference point

4 vulcanian ad]

A volcanic B bright red

C metallic

5 oxbow n

A curved mountain ridge

B river bend C field shape

6 syke n A deep ditch

B steep slope C grazing area

7 dew pond n

A lagoon B shallow pool

C bird-feeding spot

8 blowhole n A cliffside hole B worm hole in sand

C volcano cavity

9 ley line n A star movement B bypass C line

VI

of prehistoric landmarks

10 selion (sell-eeh-ohn) n

A harvest B field shape

C sheltered cove

11 enclosure n

A inaccessible hill B fencedin land C flooded land

12 furrow n A trench made by plough B valley floor C farmer's lunch

13 stratigraphy n

A study of the equator

B horizon shape C origin of layers of rock

14 hedgerow n A corner of a field B line of shrubs or trees surrounding a field C sunken rural road

15 meridian n

A time measurement

B line around the equator

C circle that passes through both poles to

A word is born: FOMO

is a "fear of missing out". First coined in the US in 2010, it's a marvellously flexible word. You're suffering from FOMO when you queue all night before the opening of a sale; when you take your time choosing from a menu that offers lots of choice; or when you spend days going through holiday magazines, never settling on one, for fear there's a better one round the corner.

COVER STAR ADE

EDMONDSON'S favourite word? "Glorious. It's not just good... it's glorious! And you can get extra emphasis by putting a few more 'o's and 'r's in there. Gl0000rrrrious!"

RD Rating Useful? 9/10

Likeable? 7/10

WORD POWER ANSWERS

9-11 getting there 12-13 impressive 14-15 word-power wizard!

1 hydrography—B study of bodies of water. "He used his knowledge of hydrography to examine the seabed." Greek hydor (water) and graphein (to write).

2 contour—A line connecting places of equal height. Latin con (together) and tornare (to turn).

3 trig point—C hilltop reference point. "There was a small tower at the trig point." From trigonometry (Greek trigonon, or triangle).

4 vulcanian—A volcanic. "His vulcanian knowledge had to be good to study Vesuvius." Vulcan, Roman god of fire.

5 oxbow—B river bend. "The river had been cut off, leaving an oxbow lake."

6 syke—C grazing area. "Sykes were for tethered horses and cattle." Old English sic.

7 dew pond—B shallow pool. "Dew ponds are often man-made." Old English deaw.

8 blowhole—A cliffside hole. "Water came up through the blowhole."

WHY BUS?

This simplest and most widespread of words has had a very odd journey. It originally comes from omnibus, meaning for all in Latin.

Omnibus was then applied to a collection of "all" the elements in a series that had once been separated. We

7461 still use it in this way—the omnibus episode of EastEnders, for example, or an omnibus collection of novels by a single author.

The word was then adopted in the 19th century for mass transport—transport, that is, for all. In time, omnibus was abbreviated to just bus.

9 ley line—C line of prehistoric landmarks. "The ley line marked an ancient track." Old English leah (open ground).

10 selion—B field shape. "The selion was around half an acre." Old French seilon.

11 enclosure—B fenced-in land. "Most of Britain was subject to enclosure by 1900." Middle English enclosen.

12 furrow—A trench made by plough. Play WP online: go to readersdigest. co.uk/wordpower

"There was a ridge either side of the furrow." Old English furh.

13 stratigraphy—C origin of layers of rock. "Through stratigraphy, he worked out why Durham looked like Durham." Latin stratum (bed).

14 hedgerow—B line of shrubs or trees surrounding a field. Old English hecg.

15 meridian—C circle that passes through both poles. "The meridian goes through the middle of Greenwich." Latin meridies (noon). •

Episodes available on MC Player

201.012

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IN THE FUTURE...

...fingerprints may be eclipsed, says

Gary Rimmer

Bums on seats

Biometric identification— face, fingerprint and iris recognition—is beloved by crime writers. But comedy wordsmiths might want to tap into a new type of bodily recognition.

Researchers in Japan have developed a car seat that identifies the sitter by the shape, displacement and pressure of their buttocks—in short, bum recognition. They claim 98 per cent accuracy and hope it'll be incorporated into car design by 2015. But what if you've overindulged at lunch? Or lost a lot of weight? We await the ads with interest...

See the stars with Virgin Galactic

To

infinity and beyond

Airbus owners EADS believe suborbital hypersonic flight will be commonplace by 2050—Paris to Tokyo, say, in under three hours. But then 40 years is a long time in air travel—a transatlantic budget flight was a pipe dream in the 60s, for example; now, we're used to easyJet and Ryanair.

So who'll carry the first hypersonic passengers? This year, three private companies—SpaceX, Virgin Galactic, and XCOR Aerospace—are expected to take people into space. And just as computing, nuclear engineering and biotechnology spawned garage industries, so garage rockets will come of age. "Amateur" rocketeers from Denmark to New Zealand are hoping to launch rockets to altitudes as high as 35 miles.

These floors have ears

Nanotechnologists in Italy and the US have developed transistors made from cotton fibres, spawning the intriguing possibility of sensors that can be woven into specialist looms.

This could lead to garments with the ability to "smell" noxious chemicals, or an "intelligent carpet" that's able to sense dirt and order a robot to clean it up. In an airport, carpets could

be programmed to detect explosive fumes, drugs or even TB carriers, turning the whole airport floor into a giant sniffer dog. Maybe it'll replace intrusive airport security by 2025? ■

If for the last 3 weeks you' had blood in your poo or it' been looser, don't sit there, tell your doctor. It could be the early signs of bowel cancer. Finding it early makes it more treatable and could save your life.

Dr Cathy Burton

CARING FOR YOUR HEALTH Bringing joy to childlesscouples

Malaysian fertility centres stimulate the miracle of life

CHILDREN BRING JOY and meaning to a couple's life. In many societies, the inability to conceive can carry a stigma and may cause anxiety.

Societal trends, such as marrying at a later age and placing career ahead of family, along with high workplace stress levels, mean that more couples are finding it difficult to conceive naturally.

As a result, many childless couples are heading to Malaysia's private hospitals for fertility treatments where live birth rates for assisted pregnancies can reach 45% or more per treatment cycle.

Dr. Wong Pak Seng, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist, and clinical director of Sunfert IVF at Sunway Medical Centre, says that since the first in-vitro fertilisation (IVF) pregnancy in Malaysia in 1987, advances in assisted reproduction technologies (ART) have been rapid.

Skilled practitioners

"Malaysian fertility clinics are also well-equipped with skilled medical teams and advanced ART facilities," says Dr. Surinder Singh, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist, and fertility specialist at Tropicana Medical Centre's TMC Fertility Centre.

"Foreign patients are reassured that Malaysians are well-versed in English, Mandarin and Malay, so communication is rarely a problem," he notes. "Malaysian fertility centres also boast high pregnancy and take-home baby

There are now about 40 ART centres in Malaysia, offering treatments such as IVF, intrauterine — or artificial — insemination (101), intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), in-vitro maturation (IVM) and pre-implantation genetic diagnosis (PGD). Dr. Wong adds that fertility treatments in Malaysia are more affordable than in neighbouring countries due to lower costs of the related drugs and equipment.

rates that compare favourably with renowned fertility centres globally."

Innovative fertility treatments in Malaysia include frozen embryo transfer and in-vitro maturation, which uses fewer drugs and injections when compared with IVF. "This means lower costs for patients, shorter treatment time and less

AREASOfTREATMENTREADILYAVAILABLEINMALAYSIAINCLUDE:ANAESTHESIOLOGY

RECONSTRUCTIVESURGERY

EAR,NOSE&THROATSURGERY

CANCERTREATMENT&PAINMANAGEMENT

risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome," says Dr. Singh.

Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis and microarray comparative genetic hybridisation (CGH), also known as embryo screening, enable testing of chromosomes in the embryo for potential problems such as thalassaemia and Down's syndrome.

In addition to ART procedures, Subang Fertility Centre (SFC) at Sime Darby Medical Centre Subang Jaya offers fertility-sparing options for cancer patients who risk losing the ability to reproduce as a byproduct of their treatment.

In the past, a cancer patient's fertility was often sacrificed in pursuit of a cure. "But today, with procedures such as the freezing of eggs, embryos or ovarian tissue, ovarian transposition, sperm banking, testicular-tissue freezing and

radiation shielding, it is possible for cancer survivors to have a baby later in life," explains Dr. Fong Chee Kin, a consultant gynaecologist with an interest in onco-fertility and SFC's medical director.

If you plan to travel overseas for a fertility

MEDICALFACT

In 2011, some 479,000 foreign patients visited Malaysian hospitals for medical care. Most came for cardiac and orthopaedic treatments, plastic and dental surgery, fertility treatments and health screening. There are 49 private hospitals and healthcare facilities registered under the Malaysia Healthcare Travel Council (MHTC) to provide services to foreign patients.

HEALTHCARE

QuoIffy care for your peace of mind

treatment, get your health in shape in the months beforehand to maximise your chance of pregnancy, advises Dr. Wong.

"Practise a healthy lifestyle and get adequate rest. Reduce your stress levels, perform regular exercise, keep your body weight at the ideal level, and stop smoking. Male partners who smoke should take antioxidant supplements, whereas women should take folic acid daily to reduce the risk of fetal abnormalities like cleft lip and neural tube defects," he suggests.

He also advises prospective patients to make the necessary arrangements in advance with your

preferred medical centre by telephone, email or through its website. "The doctor or liaison officer will advise you what your likely options are, but the treatment plan can only be decided when the doctor sees you and your husband to assess the causes of your current inability to conceive."

A fertility treatment may require an extended stay, so be sure to allow sufficient time for your visit. Some couples plan two trips — one for assessment and planning of treatment, and a second for the actual procedures. However you plan it, your visit to Malaysia may well provide you with a bundle of joy and lifetime happiness!

For more information about Malaysia Healthcare, visit www.mhtc.org.my

INSTANT EXPERT

Simon Tisdall, a foreign-affairs columnist at The Guardian, reveals

Russian voters will go to the polls this month to elect a president. But the winner is already certain. Barring a second Russian revolution or his untimely demise, Vladimir Putin will be confirmed as the country's "paramount leader", opening the way to a further two terms as president. Sulky, sinister Putin has become Russia's modernday tsar. But who is he? And what does this tell us about democracy in Russia?

Who is Vladimir Putin?

Strong rilan:Piltin likes to project a 'powerful imagt,

Putin, aged 59, is a former KGB officer who spied for Russia in Dresden when East Germany was a Soviet satellite during the Cold War. He became a member of the so-called St Petersburg mafia, a group of insider wheeler-dealers, during Boris Yeltsin's presidency, and later moved to Moscow where he joined Yeltsin's inner circle. In 1999, Yeltsin made Putin his prime minister and then unexpectedly resigned. The virtually unknown Putin was catapulted into the presidency in 2000. His first act was to sign a decree ensuring Yeltsin and his family would not be prosecuted for corruption.

Jobs for the boys? Vladimir Putin (left) has served for 12 years as either president or prime minister (his current job), while Dmitry Medvedev has been president since 2008

What about this election?

Current president Dmitry Medvedev is standing down rather than seeking a second term. This follows a deal with Putin under which Medvedev is expected to become prime minister. Putin is by far the more powerful of the two, sustained by a group of influential and wealthy backers. He's credited by many Russians with restoring the country's pride after the implosion of the Soviet Empire and the chaos of the Yeltsin years.

All the same, the presidency deal angered many voters, who are fed up with Russia's so-called "managed democracy". Although the nationwide election is identical to last December's parliamentary polls, turnout may be low.

Russian elections

the facts behind the news

130

Number of hostages killed when Putin ordered special forces to "rescue" Moscow theatregoers held by terrorists in 2002

83% Putin's rating among Russian voters at the height of his popularity. This was down to 51% in December, but has since recovered

Why bother voting?

That's the question tens of thousands of protesters were asking when they took to the streets after December's parliamentary elections. Russia is such a vast country that it took days to tot up the results. The polls were won by Putin's party with a reduced majority, but there were widespread allegations of fraud. The demonstrators called for a rerun of the elections and for Putin to stand down. Neither demand has been met, and the protests have subsided for now. Analysts suggest Putin's position has been weakened, but his closest presidential rival—the Communist party leader Gennady Zyuganov—has only 11 per cent support. Blogger Alexei Navalny, seen as the only truly independent opposition leader to emerge in the past five years, helped lead the December protests. He doesn't figure in the presidential poll, but he was recently slandered on a pro-Putin website that compared him to Hitler. If this month's poll also appears to have been fiddled, unrest could explode again.

"We're not going this way": an anti-Putin protester spells it out

The empire strikes back

Putin, who says he wishes the Soviet Union still existed, is expected to use his return to the presidency to pursue a more assertive policy abroad. This may include efforts to draw former Soviet republics in central Asia more closely under Moscow's control. Putin is also taking a more confrontational stance towards the US and EU over issues such as European missile defence and Russian assistance for Iran's suspect nuclear programme. It won't be a new Cold War, but there could be a chill in the air. •

IF I RULED THE WORLD

Jacqueline Gold

Jacqueline Gold is the chief executive of Ann Summers and Knickerbox—and one of Britain's most powerful businesswomen. She started her career at Ann Summers as an intern 30 years ago and climbed the ranks to build it into a successful chain of 150 stores.

I'd bring back Concorde. Since having my daughter Scarlett in 2009, I feel, more than ever, how very precious time is. So the quicker the flight, the better. Time management is very important to me and I have to be very disciplined. For example, I'm at the gym by 6am, and back an hour later to have breakfast with Scarlett before I head to the office. I get quite frustrated with my girlfriends who don't work telling me how busy they are! I'd make high-quality childcare more affordable. This would enable mothers who want to re-enter the workplace to do so—it's a shame that there are many talented women who just don't have the choice. I often lose good members of staff because they don't have the flexibility of decent childcare. About 18 months ago, I was

poisoned by my nanny [who laced Jacqueline's meal with screenwash, and was jailed last March] and people said to me, "You shouldn't have a nanny —you should be looking after your daughter yourself," which is ridiculous! For some of us, working is part of our identity. I have a lot to offer the business world, and I also want to set an example to my daughter as a strong, capable woman.

I'd tell women to be more confident. When I speak at events, women approach me and say, "I've got this fantastic idea," but they lack the self-belief or support to develop it. There still aren't enough female business leaders, and we're still not on equal pay. My board members are 50:50 men and women. I employ 10,000 people and always aim to pick the best person for the job—the majority of them are women.

I'd consolidate charities. With so many charities out there trying to raise money for similar causes, it makes sense to maximise the potential for fundraising by bringing them together. They'd have a bigger voice and higher profile.

I'd get rid of all the world's tyrannical rulers. If I did get the chance to rule the world in some way, I wouldn't do so through a dictatorship—although I've always quite liked the idea of global domination!—but I'd certainly make it top of my priorities to do away with any existing autocrats. There's no place for them in today's world.

I'd reduce red tape. One of the great things about being the head of a privately owned company is that I can make quick decisions. While it's important to have input from different people, in the end, no one knows the business better than me. Too often, public businesses are burdened by needless regulations that stifle growth and creativity.

I'd curb the media's doomand-gloom reporting. I'm not one for unnecessary restraint,

tt I get quite frustrated with my girlfriends who don't work telling me how busy they are...

Visit jacqueline gold.com for more about Jacqueline

but the constant negative reporting on the economy has such a bad effect on consumer confidence which, in turn, makes the state of the economy even worse. We should be celebrating success stories.

I'd like to see workshops in schools teaching children how to set up and run their own businesses. Not everyone is motivated by the thought of going to work for someone else, but they might be by the idea of being their own boss. The more we encourage an entrepreneurial spirit, the more jobs there will be for others. We need imaginative people who aren't afraid to think outside the box—the likes of Steve Jobs or Richard Branson.

I'd remind people that it's not necessary to be aggressive to be successful. Programmes like Dragon's Den and The Apprentice may be compelling viewing, but I don't like how scary they make it look when someone is actually brave enough to put their head above the parapet. Workplaces should be solution-based and creative— there's no need for all that table-bashing and blame ■ As told to Caroline Hutton

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL

16. Logging on

James Brown enjoys the simple pleasure of creating a woodpile —until his handiwork goes up in smoke

Everyone loves a roaring open fire, but it's nothing without a log pile. After fantasising for a long time about building one, my logs finally arrived, and Dominic from the nearby nursery kicked them off the back of his pick-up. They sat there on the drive, the size of two large duvets thrown off the bed quickly. Or maybe a collapsed tent. And I had to carry them over to the other side of the garden.

"I have to get all of those over there," I explained, pointing across the pebble garden to the side of the house. "Welcome to my world," Dominic said. "Sometimes we have nine deliveries a day."

I asked my son to come and help collect the bark for kindling. Then Dominic drove off and we started carrying and stacking.

For £70 I'd expected a giant lorry's-worth, but by the time I was 20 minutes into carrying seven logs the size of bricks in the crook of my arm I was glad they'd just come in a pick-up. There was some degree of

achievement in carrying, but the fun was in the stacking.

To begin with I wasn't sure they'd rest on top of each other; I assumed they'd roll and fall away. The ground was uneven and had a few sticks and a dead rabbit carcass on it, but we quickly established a base to build on. And then we were away, and moving the logs across the garden became more enjoyable because we knew at the other end we'd be stacking and creating our log pile.

The trick was to keep each layer horizontal—not sloping down at the edges. Pretty soon—concentrating and actually doing some physical labour for once—I was imagining I was channelling the art of centuries-old drystone walling, only in wood.

Eventually we had our log pile. I put a large piece of washed-up groyne I'd dragged back from the beach on one side of a white tarpaulin and pulled the rest of it over the pile. In the end it looked like a melted snowman—a lump beneath a large plastic sheet. It wasn't like the other impressively tall piles I'd seen locally. But I left it there for winter, assuming that a few logs would be used by guests staying in my cottage, and that the rest would be even more dried out and ready for next autumn.

Now If you live in a city you might wonder what the hell I'm getting so excited about. But for the last few years, bombing between the South Coast and London, I've found myself suffering from log-pile envy. Spend any time surrounded by fields and hedges and you'll see stacks of wood, chopped and stored under tarpaulins alongside properties, and peeping out from barns and outhouses.

I have an open fire in my small cottage and I mainly beachcomb for fuel. It's romantic, but can sometimes be pointless—unless you like your fire made of twigs and washed-up toothbrushes. When I've been mooching about the beach looking for driftwood after a sparse tide, or dragging grimy old logs and fallen branches back from a wood, or covering the back seat of my girlfriend's car with sawdust and bark, or simply staring at a poor fire because the logs I'd bought from a garage were of the wrong type of wood that hadn't been dried properly, I'd often thought I should just get a log pile. Perfectly stacked piles of logs, like a drystone wall or circular hay bales, make me feel good when I see them. Maybe it's a sense of man-made order brought to natural things. Maybe it's the association with the logs providing heat. Maybe it's just me.

Log pile safely In place, I stayed away from the cottage through the start of winter, although friends have been there most weekends.

As I eventually made my way back down last weekend I was thinking ►

tt I just picked the logs up and threw them across the garden. It was like horseshoe chucking, qi% trying to get them near the remains of the pile

about how the Scandinavians dry a log pile for five years before burning it. But when I got there, I was in for a shock. The guests had used almost all of the logs. Hours of carefully placing matching ones on top of each other—all gone up in smoke. Unbelievable!

There was nothing else to do. I phoned Dominic and he delivered two pick-up truckloads. Once he'd gone, I just picked the logs up and threw them across the garden. It was

like horseshoe chucking, trying to get them near the remains of the pile.

As for the stacking, I quickly pushed the logs up into a pyramid and pulled over the tarpaulin. If one man's passion is another man's fuel, then the stacking will have to wait until I've built myself a shelter. •

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: "We can't concentrate, why should you?" You can follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown.

BUDDING AUTHORS, TAKE A BOW!

Thousands of tales were submitted for last year's 100-word-story contest, and this snapshot of futuristic cannibalism was one of them. We're featuring a commended story every month.

How to cook a human

Grand Admiral Klarg, ruler of the Gravians, conqueror of 14 worlds, scourge of the outer galactic rim, looked at the ingredients laid out before him, then back at the open book, How to Cook a Human Being. The other ingredients were ready, but what kind of human? He gazed at the labels on the jars and at the sorry-looking specimens within. Tramp? No, too earthy. Supermodel? No, too stringy. Toff perhaps? No, too gamey. Klarg sighed deeply. "For goodness sake, Klarg," said his long-suffering spouse. "It doesn't matter, they'll never taste the difference. They all taste like chicken."

Submitted by David Hayward, Suffolk

NIDavid says: "The concept came to me while reading about the 100-word competition in RD and keeping an eye on my nine-yearold daughter as she helped cook dinner. I was thinking of ideas when she suddenly blurted out, 'How do you cook a person?' The idea for 'How to cook a human' then hit me like a well-aimed spatula."

David will receive a cheque for £70

Swimming in water is great. I just don't want my food swimming in it.

Gram for gram, lams dry food has more high-quality nutrition than wet food. As well ,ACTIVEHEALTH as more protein, prebiotics, and vitamins A&D to keep your dog in tip-top condition*

I am more than just a dog. I am an IAMS dog.

*versus wet food. Always ensure fresh water is available

With a reputation for being the angry man of British comedy, how did Ade Edmondson get to be so happy?

's

The sight, last year, of one of the original alternative comics presenting a gentle travelogue about life in rural Yorkshire confused a lot of TV viewers.

"I guess they weren't expecting the shouty bloke from The Young Ones to be chatting to nice folk about village choirs, sheep and the weather," laughs Ade Edmondson at the reaction—from journalists to people he met in the street—to his hit ITV series The Dales. "They were probably waiting for me to set fire to a farmer's trousers then hit him with a frying pan!"

But, although he'll always be associated with the ferous slapstick BBC comedy roles of Vyvyan in The Young Ones and Eddie in Bottom, the 55-year-old returns with a second series of The Dales this month—and, he claims, it's much more him. "I was just playing a character in those other shows," he says, flashing a trademark manic grin. "I'm really a happy, middle-aged bloke who loves pottering around the countryside."

He's not entirely sure why ITV approached him to front a series following the daily routines of everyone from shepherdesses to local landowners—though fellow comic Rory McGrath had already seen success presentin similar serf • ► cep rstain cipPi!

BY DANNY SCOTT PHOTOGRAPHED BY SEAMUS RYAN

Bradford and spending a lot of childhood holidays camping in north Yorkshire, he's delighted they did.

Indeed, in these sticky financial times, Ade could be seen as something of a poster boy—not just for the joys of the British landscape, but for a happier, less cynical Britain as a whole. The Dales and his other recent ITV project Ade In Britain (another travelogue, but with added local nosh) have been sniped at by TV critics for being feel-good telly, but it doesn't bother him.

"Can somebody tell me what's wrong with a bit of feel-good telly? Haven't we already got enough selfish, aggressive programmes? The soaps are full of unpleasant people. If you watched an average week of British TV, you'd come away thinking we're a nation of murderous, drink-driving, egotistical con artists.

Never mind the credit crunch, here's the Sex Pistols... and one or two other things about Britain that make Ade Edmondson happy

"I'm sorry, but this country's not like that. The vast majority of us are decent, funny and friendly. I know because I've spent most of the last few years travelling around Britain—either with work or my [folk] band The Bad Shepherds—meeting people everywhere from country pubs to music festivals. They weren't angry or p****d off with the world. They were just quietly getting on with life, sharing jokes, buying a pint."

So apart from the lovely countryside, what other reasons are there to be cheerful in Britain in 2012?

"Oh, c'mon, there's loads of stuff!" Ade's face lights up with glee. "Folk music makes me happy. Playing the banjo with my band makes me happy. There's a wonderful festival called Wychwood [in Cheltenham] that's just full of great folk

PUBS

"The Germans have bier kellers, the Italians have bars and the French have cafes, but there's nothing that beats a good British pub. My brotherin-law is a landlord and, for a few years now, I've actually been looking into the idea of buying my own hostelry. Nothing fancy— just a decent country place with real ale and proper pub food."

ECCENTRICS

"Nobody can do eccentric genius like us! Tommy

Cooper, say, or the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band—a bunch of musical misfits making crazy, convoluted, inventive music that just couldn't exist outside this country."

FOOD

"We're so spoiled for international cuisine that it's easy to think of British food as boring. But go to any town and you'll find great food, from Dover sole to Yorkshire rhubarb pie."

FOLK MUSIC

"People think it's all old men and woolly jumpers, but there's stuff that's

acts. Forget The X Factor—this is where you'll find proper British music.

"Beer makes me happy. Not just getting drunk on it...mind you, I have done plenty of that!" He gives his stomach an affectionate pat. "I love the whole idea of beer. Everything from the amazing people who run small breweries around the country to the various designs on the bottles. There's no other drink like it.

"Then there's British humour. The way we're able to rib each other without being nasty and vindictive. What else? Oh, yeah —lower-league football!"

He's on a roll now

"Once you get away from the big clubs, you see a different kind of game. My local team is Exeter City. The first time I went to see them was about ten years ago, just when they got relegated from the Football League. Bizarrely, it seemed to make

young, vibrant, edgy and exciting. And it's all ours!"

THE SEX PISTOLS

"Sticking on one of their old records makes me jump up and down with delight. They changed my life. Punk allowed you to say what you want and do what you

want. In fact, John Lydon (below) still changes my life. When I saw him on the ad for Country Life, I started buying it! People love him because he doesn't give a toss!"

STAN LAUREL

"I've got a big cinema-screen projector thingy in my study at home and I watch a Laurel & Hardy film at least once a week.

All great comedy is there, from David Brent and

With farmer Carol Melin in ITV1's The Dales. The series has sparked a tourism boom in Yorkshire

Absolutely Fabulous to Dad's Army and Bottom."

BOATS

"Because we're an island nation, we have a proud seafaring heritage. We make fantastic boats! Watching a beautiful pilot cutter dancing across the waves can bring tears to my eyes."

GREY SKIES

"We all love a sunny day, but bad weather can be just as uplifting. Watching a storm roll across the fields; listening to the rain rattling against windows."

CNnrt

them play with more passion—the lower they fell, the higher they held their heads. There's a bloody-mindedness about being British. It's that Blitz spirit.

"You can see it in my parents' generation. My mother-in-law had a stroke about a year ago, and there were times when she was struggling to talk. But if she made a mistake, she'd just p*** herself laughing. That to me is what this country is all about. We're determined to be happy!"

Would the anti-establishment young comic who started out at the Comedy Store in the early Eighties be disappointed to hear his 55-year-old self talking about folk music and the Blitz spirit?

"No, not really. I've always been...me. Yeah, I used to shout and jump around a lot, but everybody does that when they're young. Have my values changed? Do I lie there at night worrying that I've sold out? F*** off! People have this idea that The YoungOnes was trying to smash the system. Sorry, but we were just poncing about, drinking a lot of beer and attempting to make people laugh.

"I've always had a propensity for laughter and I think Jen [his wife Jennifer Saunders] is the same. That's probably why I married her [in 1985] and why we're still together. I might occasionally shout at the computer, but we don't shout at each other and we don't shout at the kids. It might sound like a cliché, but we're a happy family.

"Obviously, that happiness did take a knock over the last couple of years with what happened to Jen [she was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2009 and is now recovering], but something like that also makes you realise that those

With wife Jennifer Saunders. Both share "a propensity for laughter"

silly little things that were making you gloomy don't really matter.

"I'm not saying everything is perfect in 2012. A load of bankers have gambled with our future and lost, and our politicians aren't doing anything about it. Frankly, they're less than useless—three very uncharismatic men who are desperately scared of rocking the boat. But I refuse to spend my life grumbling about such things. You just make yourself and those around you miserable."

So has he ever been unhappy? He goes quiet for the first time.

"Yeah, about six years ago, I was struggling. It was about historical family stuff and I suppose the medical profession would call it depression. I prefer to call it "being unhappy"—it doesn't sound as serious. I went to see Stephen Fry's doctor and was told that there were two

options: analysis or drugs. I dipped my toe in both, then decided I was going to try my own third option. I literally tried to be happy! I tricked myself into not being gloomy. And it worked."

What's the secret, then? Ade could be sitting on a gold mine.

"Look, I'm not saying it would work for everyone—I'm not saying analysis and drugs are rubbish. I just took all the negative crap and pushed it to one side. Call it repression if you like, but I replaced it with things that make me happy."

He returns to his favourite topic. "I don't know if there have been any scientific studies done on this, but walking in the British countryside certainly does wonders for me! Home is in Devon, so I'm forever driving up the A303 to work in London, and there's this horseshoeshaped escarpment in Wiltshire en route. Many's the time I've stopped the car there and just gone for a walk, looking out over the glorious landscape.

He talks about the countryside like an excited five-year-old, miming great strides across open land and sucking in lungfuls of air, even though he's being interviewed at an east London studio just before the Reader's Digest photoshoot.

"There are views here that you won't find anywhere else in the world. The Peak District. The Lakes. The Dales. Dartmoor. Fishing on the River Severn. I've seen

views that are almost too beautiful to exist. A walk in the countryside will always, always lift my spirits. It clears your head and makes your heart sing."

But he and Jen have got plenty of money, and their kids—Ella, 26, Beattie, 24, and Freya, 21—have left home. Has he never thought of saying goodbye to this country for somewhere equally stunning, but a little bit warmer?

Ade shakes his head. Again, it's not just the landscape that means so much, but the people, too. "We moan a lot, but even when everything seems to be going down the pan, we find a way to make things work. When Napoleon called us a nation of shopkeepers, he was probably right. He meant it as an insult but, to me, a good shopkeeper is always looking for an opportunity. Nobody's selling that product, so I'll sell it. That's us—a nation of improvisers.

"If you believe everything you see in the media, you could easily lose faith in this country. But take a look around you. Actually have a look at the people. Watch them. Living their lives. Helping friends and neighbours. Being pleasant and interested and endearing.

'All we've got is each other. If we lose faith in that, there's nothing left." ■

» The Dales starts on ITV1 on February 27.

HOW'S THIS FOR A ROMANTIC HOLIDAY?

"I noticed these signs while on a trip to Ponferrada in Spain last year. Maybe those planning a passionate weekend break should bear it in mind."

Submitted by D Ramakrishnan, Sutton, Surrey

04).•

OK, so in Britain it's all about lambs, daffs d disappointing weather. at does fhe end of winter

• mg in other parts of the world?

BY ELLIE ROSE

MIRROR LAKE, YOSEMITE, CALIFORNIA

As the snow melts from the North Dome and Half Dome mountains of Yosemite National Park every March, the valley between them swells with water. The result is a large, perfectly still seasonal lake that gives a near-perfect reflection of the peaks above it.

Mirror Lake —thought to be the remnants of a much larger glacial body of water—has probably been around for centuries, but don't wait forever to go and see it. It's rapidly filling with silt these days, and may vanish within many people's lifetimes.

BLACK SUN, SOUTHERN JUTLAND, DENMARK

Individually they're ordinary garden birds, but collectively the hundreds of thousands of starlings that arrive at Tonder Marsh each year create an awesome sight. The birds, migrating

north from southern Europe to Scandinavia, stop in the area to feed on the many insects that live in the damp grass. But at twilight they rise en masse into the sky and perform a 20-minute aerial ballet—changing direction and formation over and over—that can

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almost block out the sun.

There's a pragmatic reason for their amazing choreography, which can be seen from mid-March to early April—the birds head for the safety of reed beds to sleep for the night, and want to confuse predators as to where they're going.

It's not just us Brits who love huge politically themed bonfires. Every year, Valencians stage their equivalent of Guy Fawkes Night by building 300 cardboard or plaster statues, parading them

through the streets and setting fire to them.

S LAS FALLAS, VALENCIA, SPAIN

The models can be over 20-feet high, cost £50,000, and are often unflattering portrayals of unpopular politicians or recent events.

At the end of the Las Fallas festival (March 15-19), the effigies are stuffed with

fireworks—and when they all go up, it can seem as if the whole city is burning.

It's thought the event originated with 18th-century carpenters, who burned their oil-lamp holders as winter's gloom receded and they no longer needed them to work. t-

CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVALS, JAPAN

With their status as national symbols of beauty, there are many thousands of cherry trees in Japan and more than a hundred varieties. But each one only blooms for about two weeks—so, when they do, the Japanese turn out in large numbers at parks, shrines and temples to hold blossom-viewing parties, known as hanami.

The Japanese take

hanamis so seriously that the national meteorological agency broadcasts nightly updates tracking the "cherry-blossom front" as it moves north. This year, the ceremonies will have an added poignancy. The Japanese see the shortlived flowers as metaphors for the transience of human life, and March 11 marks a year since the Tohuko earthquake killed more than 15,000 people.

MICHAEL S V AMASHI TA/ CORBI S

THE DANCE OF THE WEEDY SEA DRAGON, AUSTRALIA

Possibly the most elegant courtship ritual in the world is, ironically, staged by one of its oddest-looking fish.

The weedy sea dragon, which lives in the shallow seas off southern and western Australia, is a weird mixture of a seahorse and a pipefish. But its routine for getting a mate is an expertly choreographed undersea waltz, where the male and female animals perfectly mirror each other's movements.

The ritual usually takes place at dusk, with the two fish gliding slowly through the water, simultaneously flicking their tails and wriggling their bodies. At the end of the dance, it's the male who gets pregnant when the female transfers around 120 eggs into a special gestation area of his tail. The baby dragons appear two months later. P•

EL CASTILLO PYRAMID, CHICHEN ITZA, MEXICO

Lots of places mark the spring equinox on March 20, but perhaps the most spectacular is the El Castillo pyramid of Chichen ltza, Mexico, built by the ancient Mayas around AD750.

Huge crowds gather each year as the sun casts a series of triangular shadows against the north-west corner, creating the illusion of a serpent winding its way down the pyramid's side. This is thought to have acted as a sign for the local tribes to start planting corn.

THE QASHQAI MIGRATIONS, IRAN

Moving about in huge numbers in spring isn't restricted to swooping starlings or other animals. The 500,000-strong Qashqai people of Iran up sticks to travel 350 miles northwards, from pastures

MOONBOWS, VICTORIA FALLS, ZAMBIA

Africa's biggest waterfall is a world-famous natural wonder. But a lesser-known fact about the 5,500-footwide expanse across the Zambezi river is that it's also one of the few places you can see a "moonbow".

close to the Persian Gulf that dry up in the summer to the lush slopes of the Zagros mountains.

Along their desert trek, the tribes—who live in black waterproof tents made of goat hair—trade sheep and goat dairy produce and finely weaved rugs, while

gathering news from friends and relatives in the villages they pass.

The event is so important for this colourfully attired people that they sometimes talk about time in terms of numbers of migrations since an event, rather than years.

You don't need the sun to see rainbows—they can appear whenever there's a light source strong enough to be visibly refracted by water particles in the air. Of course, the moon doesn't normally do the trick, but in spring and early summer high water levels at the falls create a huge wall of

spray. When the sky is clear and the moon is full, a lunar rainbow can occur.

These apparitions can appear white, because the light is usually too faint to excite the eye's colour receptors. But when captured in long-exposure photos, the moonbows reveal their full glory. ■

The truth about itanic

The doomed liner, which sank 100 years ago next month, is the stuff of legend—and myths. Nigel Stafford-Clark, the producer of a new drama about the disaster, sinks a few favourites

THE CLASS THAT WAS FATED TO DIE

ONE OF THE MOST WIDELY HELD MYTHS ABOUT the sinking is that male passengers in third class were most likely to have been among the 1,514 people who died on April 12, 1912. But the truth is probably a little more poignant. The research for our new Titanic mini-series certainly supports the widespread belief that many steerage travellers didn't make it to the lifeboats in time because they encountered locked gates. The gates were used by immigration officials to stop these travellers mingling with other passengers and spreading disease, and the ship's crew were slow to unlock some of them. But the highest mortality rate by far was among men in second class. Only eight per cent survived—almost half the rate of ►

males in steerage and a quarter of those in first class. Perhaps the most likely explanation is that the men in second class, desperately keen to be seen to "do the right thing", accepted unquestioningly the crew's initial orders to load the lifeboats with "women and children only", while the men from first class, with their greater sense of entitlement, swiftly translated it to "women and children first". Meanwhile, those in steerage fortunate enough to make it up to the deck just scrambled for any boat they could find.

WHO'S FAULT WAS IT?

AT THE BRITISH INQUIRY INTO THE sinking, led by judge Lord Mersey, several passengers blamed Bruce Ismay, chairman of the ship's owners White Star Line, for Titanic's excessive speed, which was found to be the primary reason for the liner hitting the iceberg. The press had already branded him a coward for choosing to escape from the sinking ship, and witnesses said he'd also been pushing its captain to claim the Blue Riband for the fastest Atlantic crossing. But they didn't offer Lord Mersey any proof to support these claims

and, though the mud stuck to Ismay in the public consciousness, it should probably have been thrown at the supposedly put-upon captain, Edward John Smith.

Ismay knew that the Blue Riband was out of the Titanic's reach. Her top speed was 23 knots and Mauretania, the smaller Cunard liner that had previously set the four days, ten hours and 51minutes record, could manage 25. Indeed, Ismay's proud boast was that White Star was offering comfort and reliability rather than pace.

Still, Captain Smith allowed Titanic's average speed to reach more than 21

knots just before the accident, despite the fact that he'd received three ice warnings. Reports indicate that, had it not sunk, the ship would have docked in New York up to half a day ahead of schedule, and it's likely that Smith was simply hoping for an impressively early arrival on its maiden voyage.

A MISGUIDED HERO

FAMOUSLY (OR INFAMOUSLY), TITANIC had a disastrous lack of lifeboats— just 20, with a total capacity of less than 1,200, on a boat carrying 2,224 passengers and crew. Ironically, the situation was made worse by

April 12, 1912. The Titanic off Cork Head, Ireland, on her illfated voyage; (above) the tasty-looking second-class dinner menu

APRIL 14, 1012, DINNER.

CONSOMME TAPIOCA

RAKED HADnocK, SHARP SAUCE CURRIED CHICKEN & RICE SPRING LAMS, MINT SAUCE ROAST TURKEY, CRANBERRY SAUCE GREEN PEAS PUREE TURNIPS BOILED RICE

BOILED & ROAST POTATOES

PLUM PUDDING JELLY COCOANUT SANDWICH

AMERICAN ICE CREAM NUTS ASSORTED FRESH FRUIT CHEESE BISCUIT

the officer most celebrated for making the best of a bad situation.

The courage and determination displayed by second officer Charles Lightoller in organising the panicked passengers onto the evacuation craft was celebrated in the 1958 film A Night to Remember. Yet the brave seaman, portrayed by Kenneth More, may also have caused dozens of deaths.

In his own account, Lightoller said he was concerned about sending the lifeboats down full because they might have split under the strain, or some mishap could have occurred due to the passengers not being "boatwise". On the first point at least he was wrong,

and was somehow unaware that the craft had shown in tests that they could withstand such weight.

So he lowered them at only two-thirds capacity, and sent the bosun's mate and his men to open a gangway door so that the rest of the passengers could board at sea level. The crewmen were never seen again and, inevitably, several spare seats were left on many of the boats.

Though the lack of lifeboats seems like a scandal, it was perfectly legal. The maritime authorities saw them as no more than ferries that would ply back and forth between a stricken vessel and her rescuer— as had happened when the SS Florida struck and sank the White Star Line's Republic off Massachusetts in January 1909. Six people had died in the collision, but the rest of Republic's 700 or so passengers and crew were transferred safely to the other ship. The problem for Titanic's passengers was that a rescue boat, the Carpathia, didn't appear until around two hours after their liner had disappeared beneath the waves.

SHAGGY-DOG TALE

THERE WERE AROUND A DOZEN DOGS on Titanic, including Kitty, an Airedale belonging to American multimillionaire businessman John Jacob Astor. They were released from their cages at some point during the latter COFFEE

KIEL* SENA%

Titanic's owner Bruce Ismay (right) with Captain Edward John Smith. Who was to blame for the liner's speed that night? stages of the sinking—adding to the confusion on deck—and at least two are thought to have survived (though not Kitty).

But one of the strangest stories about the Titanic's canine contingent concerns Rigel, a large Newfoundland that supposedly belonged to first officer William Murdoch.

According to a report first published in the New York Herald on April 21, 1912, the brave hound swam for more than three hours in the icy water and was responsible, through his sharp barking, for ensuring that one of the lifeboats was not run down by the Carpathia.

Unfortunately, it's a great tale without any basis in fact. There's no evidence that Murdoch even had a dog on board, and no sign in Carp athia's crew list of Jonas Briggs, the seaman who supposedly talked to the Herald.

FROM DOWNTON ABBEY TO THE TITANIC

When writing a drama about the world's most famous sunken ship, Julian Fellowes (pictured below) didn't have to deal with a fast-approaching iceberg. But he did have to deal with its cinematic equivalent. James Cameron's 1997 film (recently released in 3D) loomed large, and ITV's head of drama Laura Mackie admits to being "sceptical" about the chances of the new project being a success. But, with the show airing this month in the run up to the April 12 centenary of the liner's sinking, she was clearly won over. So how did Downton Abbey creator Julian manage it?

Sitting in a dressing room in the Budapest studio where Titanic was filmed, and resplendent in a blue blazer with gold buttons, a blue shirt and a spotted green tie, he explains all.

"The simple fact is that my Titanic is wholly different from James Cameron's. His was, in essence, a love story about the characters played by Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Mine features a variety of real-life

people—from crew members to first-class passengers—and follows their stories through to what, in many cases, were their last few hours. We really get into their heads."

Among the travellers to have caught Julian's attention were Sir Cosmo Duff-Gordon (below, played by Simon Paisley Day in the drama), the Scottish landowner who, until recently, had been wrongly accused of jumping the queue for the lifeboats.

"Letters written by his wife's secretary—who was with the couple during their rescue—show that he was actually quite brave," says Julian.

There's also the minor American actress Dorothy Gibson (pictured top right, played by Sophie Winkleman). She survived the sinking and, in the same year, wrote and LT, starred in the limited` .:'t release film Saved from Fthe Titanic about her experiences—wearing the dress she was rescued in.

"How camp is that?" laughs Julian.

He'd never be "cocky" enough to give himself a role in one of his dramas, he says, despite a long career as an actor—usually playing army types and lords in shows such as Monarch of the Glen.

"I would have to wait to be asked to appear," he says. "Which, actually, I would quite like to be."

The broadcast of the four-part Titanic, which features Linus Roache, Toby Jones, Geraldine Somerville and Celia Imrie, and has taken three years to make, comes two months after work began on a third series of Downton.

Julian is also writing a new film version of Romeo and Juliet. Since winning an Oscar for the screenplay of 2001's Gosford Park, he's become TV and film's go-to guy for period drama.

"I do probably work too hard," says the 62-year-old, who—true to his word—can

be seen beavering away at a laptop in the foyer of his hotel, a couple of hours after our interview.

"I can't seem to get the worklife balance right. I feel guilty when I'm not at my computer, and that's a sure sign that workaholism is setting in! I'll start at 9.30am, break for lunch, and then just keep going until 7pm.

"When I come away on location, I'm like a naughty schoolboy who misbehaves when the teachers aren't looking. I become boyish, a bit skittish, and eat and drink too much. But then I can hear my wife Emma saying, 'Do you really want another one?' and I cut back. I've got to an age where boyishness is for limited periods only. And that's probably just as well."

But if, like the passengers on Titanic, he found himself with hours to live, he wouldn't spend them typing.

"I'd get myself a good Indian takeaway and a melodramatic film on DVD, and sit there in a state of perfect contentment. Don't think that I don't know how to relax on occasions!"

Tim Oglethorpe

THE LAST WALTZ

TITANIC'S LEGENDARY BAND, LED BY violinist Wallace Hartley, played on the ship's deck right up until the end, and received wisdom has it that their final tune was the very appropriate "Nearer, My God, to Thee". However, their actual musical choice was probably a little less elegiac. The testimony of Harold Bride, one of Titanic's wireless operators,

was that the last tune was something he called "Autumn", believed to be Archibald Joyce's jazzy"Songe d'Automne". It was part of the White Star Line's official repertoire, which contained dance numbers and contemporary hits—other survivors recalled hearing Irving Berlin's "Alexander's Ragtime Band"—and, whether Bride was right or not, it seems likely that Hartley and his colleagues would have resorted to something from this set list.

So the Titanic's passengers probably met their end accompanied not by solemn religious music, but the charmingly inappropriate strains of upbeat pop—which, in a way, is even more moving.

THE MOVIE MISTAKE THAT WASN'T

SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT THEY'D spotted a big mistake in James Cameron's 1997 film version of Titanic. When first officer Murdoch is alerted to the presence of the iceberg dead ahead, he calls out "Hard-astarboard!", but the movie showed the helmsman turn the wheel (and the ship) to the left, not the right. In fact, Cameron was absolutely correct —and a similar scene is repeated in our drama.

Many big ships used to be steered with a tiller and, when you push one to the right (starboard), the craft moves to the left (port). Since the late 1800s, the new large steam ships had been steered by a wheel but, in 1912, Britain's

merchant fleet still operated under "tiller orders"—partly to preserve tradition and partly for consistency when sailors were manning a variety of different craft. Amazingly, this system was still used up until 1933,

and it's a miracle that liner collisions were not more common. ■

» Nigel Stafford-Clark's TV credits include BBC1's Bleak House and The Passion. Titanic starts on ITV1 this month

FANCY THAT! THE SPEED LIMIT OF THE UNIVERSE

Anyone who knows "The Galaxy Song" in Monty Python's Meaning of Life will identify the speed of light as "12 million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is". This isn't far off the truth: 11.6 million miles a minute, or 670,616,629.38mph.

To put this in perspective, the record-breaking North American X-15 rocket-powered aircraft clocked a speed of 4,520mph, or 0.000038% of the speed of light—it would take nearly 30 months to reach the sun, as opposed to eight minutes for light. Or consider the experiment in which a man stood under Big Ben with a radio tuned to the news. Which chime would he hear first—the one on the radio, or the real Big Ben? The answer was the radio, because audio waves travel at the speed of light and the chimes move at the speed of sound (a sluggish 768mph).

But is there a twist? Last September, scientists in Italy measured subatomic neutrinos travelling at 299,798,454 metres per second, 5,996 metres faster than light. Testing is underway but, if verified, this result would shake physics to the core.

Medical fixes for anything from wonky teeth to varicose veins may seem like magic bullets, but they can be painful, costly and ineffective. RD health writer Susannah Hickling rates some of the most popular ones

LASER EYE SURGERY

Worth doing? 5/10

More than 100,000 Britons a year have this operation to improve long and short sight, and to correct astigmatism. The vast majority opt for the Lasik technique, where a surgeon cuts a thin flap into the cornea, a laser reshapes the area beneath and the flap is replaced. People with thin corneas may require Lasek, where the top layer of the cornea is softened with alcohol and moved to one side. Both treatments are generally only available privately and cost up to around £4,000 for both eyes.

• Benefits? Potential freedom from spectacles and lenses.

♦ Downsides? The laser can't always achieve perfection and about a third of people still need glasses for distance uses, such as driving. You'll also almost

certainly require specs for reading beyond your late forties. This is due to presbyopia—where the lens becomes less elastic with age, making it harder to focus—which is not treated by laser eye surgery.

What's more, there's around a five per cent chance of something going wrong with the operation, such as an infection or a halo effect around lights at night if the whole cornea isn't reshaped. Slicing into the cornea cuts nerves that detect dryness in the eye and alert the brain to produce tears. So if it doesn't heal properly, you can also get problems similar to those of Dr Martin Lee, a 42-yearold neurologist from Norwich. A Lasik procedure ten years ago has left him with painful, incurable dry eyes that have forced him to take numerous days off work and wake him up four or five times a night. "Sometimes I think that if I'd had my eyes removed, I'd be blind but more comfortable," he says.

Practitioners have to be qualified surgeons, but not eye specialists, and they are not required to register with any professional body. Essentially, the

4 industry is not policed, and there have been claims that some clinics play down the risks of surgery to patients.

Should you have it done? Only if you feel you've been given all the information and opt for a clinic using the latest technology. For instance, new tracking systems detect tiny movements in the eye during surgery and adjust the laser's path accordingly for more accurate reshaping. They also tailor treatment more closely to the size of your cornea, reducing the risk of a halo.

For more information, go to the Royal College of Ophthalmologists' website at rcophth.ac.uk

VARICOSE VEIN SURGERY

Worth doing? 7/10

Three in ten of us will suffer from varicose veins (commonly associated with the legs, but they can occur anywhere) when the small valves that help blood flow to the heart stop working properly. The veins are often hidden, but can show as purple or blue lumps on the skin. Many sufferers are happy to leave them well alone, but the traditional NHS treatment is to strip out any that become troublesome under general anaesthetic.

A Benefits? For people with unsightly veins, the chief attraction is cosmetic. But, if left untreated, the condition can lead to blood clots, ulcers and bleeding— a medical emergency. Vascular surgeon

Mark Whiteley, of the private Whiteley clinics in London and Guildford, says there are around half a million people in the UK with leg ulcers—or healed ulcers that could break down again—whose problem would be solved if their varicose veins were removed.

• Downsides?Stripping causes scarring and, as part of the body's natural healing

process, varicose veins grow back in up to 80 per cent of patients. However, new keyhole techniques use laser or a radiofrequency electric current to burn the ends of the veins shut. Burnt tissue never heals properly, so, starved of blood, the veins shrivel away for ever.

Should you have it done? Yes, but opt for the burning methods if you can. You'll have to be prepared to pay out upwards of £1,800 per leg, though, as that treatment is only available privately. Indeed, the NHS is increasingly reluctant to treat veins at all if it's only for cosmetic reasons.

Wok ortimai

PORCELAIN VENEERS

Worth doing? 2/10

Thanks to the re-engineered mouths of numerous Hollywood stars, it's now fashionable to have these fitted for a perfect, all-white smile. This involves a dentist removing some of the enamel from your teeth, then attaching a thin layer of white ceramic over the top using a strong glue.

• Benefits? Instant improvement to your looks. "They have a valuable role if you have badly discoloured teeth or to correct small misalignments," says Dr Nigel Carter, chief executive of the British Dental Health Foundation, an independent charity.

• Downsides?Martin Kelleher, consultant in restorative dentistry at the King's College Dental Institute in London, calls

veneers "porcelain pornography" when they're applied extensively to perfectly healthy teeth. He believes there's no excuse for the wholesale destruction of tooth enamel and dentine that the procedure entails—it can make teeth and gums prone to infection and even cause teeth to die. Porcelain veneers also have a tendency to chip and break, and need to be replaced several times, making that £300 to £500 a tooth look slightly less good value. At least 50 per cent of veneers don't last for more than ten years.

Should you have It done? Perhaps, if you have very bad discolouration or the odd crooked tooth. But, generally, Martin Kelleher recommends bleaching or bonding instead, where coloured resin is placed over your teeth. The results may not be quite as pearly white as veneers, and the resin tends to stain more easily, but there's no need to remove any enamel.

"Fashion changes and you can't undo porcelain veneers," warns Kelleher. "It's not like buying a Mulberry handbag. "

TONSILLECTOMY

Worth doing? 7/10

In the past, virtually everyone who ever had a sore throat due to inflamed tonsils seemed to have them taken out, but medical opinion has now swung the other way. Tonsillitis can occur several times a year, but can usually be treated with drugs, and many NHS trusts try to ►

1 avoid performing a relatively expensive tonsillectomy. If you still want the op, but your GP won't refer you, going private will cost you up to £2,700.

• Benefits?The tonsils are small glands whose purpose isn't entirely understood —they may help fight infection—and we can certainly live without them. Beyond the obvious advantage of no longer having serial throat infections, getting rid of them reduces the risk of obstructive sleep apnoea, where soft tissues in the mouth relax and temporarily block the airway, potentially leading to everything from poor sleep to stroke. You'll also have no chance of suffering from quinsy, where tonsillitis leads to throat abscess that can cause serious breathing difficulties.

The number of tonsillectomies dropped 37 per cent to just under 50,000 between the mid-1990s and 2008, but many ear, nose and throat doctors would like to see this figure rise again. Tonsilrelated hospital admissions leapt 40 per cent between 2000 and 2008, and annual cancer-of-the-tonsils diagnoses have almost doubled to 900 in the last ten years.

• Downsides?About three per cent of people who have their tonsils out have to go back to hospital because of serious bleeding. And tonsillectomies rarely banish all sore throats for good. Should you have it done?If your tonsils are causing severe problems, such as multiple bouts of quinsy or sleep apnoea, your doctor may see a tonsillectomy as a necessity rather than a personal choice. Specialists say that it's also a good option if tonsillitis regularly gives you five or more sore throats a year.

SURGERY TO REDUCE SWEATING

Worth doing? 4/10

Hyperhidrosis—excessive sweating— affects around 600,000 Britons. The standard NHS treatment is endoscopic thoracic sympathectomy (ETS), which

involves permanently cutting or clamping the sympathetic nerves that run along the side of the spine and cause perspiration on the armpits, hands and face. It's carried out under general anaesthetic.

• Benefits? The operation and the recovery are quick, with patients able to return to work in a week or two.

✓ Downsides? For reasons that aren't clear, about one in five operations doesn't work properly. And, when they do, there's often compensatory sweating elsewhere. Research suggests this may be severe in up to 40 per cent of cases.

Vicky Forrest, 30, from Stoke-on-Trent had ETS in 2003. Not only did she end up with fluid on her lungs—which were partially deflated to expose her sympathetic nerves—but her hyperhidrosis is worse than ever. As well as the original sweating, she's now perspiring heavily from her knees, arms, head, back and stomach—"the whole kit caboodle," as she puts it.

Should you have it done?"Don't have ETS," urges Vicky. "It's awful."

According to Julie Halford of the Hyperhidrosis Support Group, which has 11,000 members, "The operation is still all too often offered on the NHS, sadly. It should be refused unless all other treatments have failed."

Alternatives include iontopheresis, a pain-free process where you put your hands or feet in a tray of water, or wear wet underarm pads, while a weak electric current passes through the body. But it only stops sweating for about a week, so needs to be constantly repeated. Botox injections can counter hyperhidrosis for about six months, though they may not be available on the NHS in your area.

But a permanent solution to armpit problems does exist—albeit offered only at the Whiteley clinics—where lasers are used to burn away sweat glands, and there's very little compensatory perspiration. This costs around £3,500.

For more, go to hyperhidrosisuk.org.

TEETH STRAIGHTENING

Worth doing? 7/10

Increasingly, adults are having their teeth straightened. New techniques include braces that are almost invisible.

• Benefits? Your self-confidence and looks can be transformed.

"It can improve dental health as well," says Dr Nigel Carter of the British Dental Health Foundation. "If the teeth are crooked or misplaced, it's much more difficult to clean around them, making you more prone to gum disease."

• Downsides? Adult straightening is only available privately and costs between £3,000 and £5,000.

So, should you have it done?"I think it's well worth it," says Emma Guinan from Ashford in Kent. Her partner used to call her Jaws, before she decided to have braces fitted just over a year ago. Her wonky teeth had also caused a blood blister on the inside of her lip. The braces are due to be removed soon, and the 32year-old dental nurse is amazed at the difference in her gum health and how much straighter her teeth are. "It's the best thing I've ever done," she says. •

Vera was kind and liberal—the sort of parent you'd always wished you'd had. Or was she? A cautionary Mother's Day tale from Monica Porter

Keeping Mum

As parents go, my mother Vali Racz was definitely at the strict end of the scale. Brought up in an authoritarian Catholic household in a Hungarian village, she didn't believe in youngsters having too much fun. My family fled the oppressive Hungarian communist regime in 1956, when I was four, so growing up in the otherwise permissive Sixties in New York and, later, London, made for a troubled adolescence.

My friends were allowed out on dates and to sleepovers, and spent hours "hanging out", while I was usually holed up in my room writing angst-ridden poetry. If I was allowed to go to a party I'd have to be home by 10pm, and, though I managed the odd illicit snog, if some brave boy phoned me up, my suspicious mother wasn't beyond listening in on the extension. Relationships were soon nipped in the bud.

From left: Monica's slam mother Vali My friend Kati's sweet-natured mother Vera, was a nightclub on the other hand, was the epitome of the singer in the relaxed, lenient parent that I longed for. She Forties; Monica was "like a girlfriend", Kati would say, and she with her son and could talk to her about anything—including Vali; and at 14–longing to sex and men—just the opposite of my mum. have fun So how did this "ideal" parent help me 0

appreciate my mother more than I could have ever imagined?

I first met Kati when I was 18, soon after we moved to London. Our fathers were journalists who knew each other in Hungary, so Dad took me to visit the family in their Paris home. After that, Kati would occasionally invite me over to stay by myself.

I loved these little visits. My parents had no idea what I was up to. Vera understood the importance of giving young people freedom, so Kati and I embarked on sprawling adventures around Gay Paree, partying with the Bohemian student crowd, sampling cocktails, smoking lethal French cigarettes and roaring down the ChampsElysees in a sports car driven by the flashy playboy from the flat downstairs.

Once, her parents even let Kati and me stay in their home by ourselves, while they went to the country. "I know you girls would prefer not to have us oldies around," Vera had smiled knowingly.

Vera had only ever been a housewife. But Vera represented a more relaxed upbringing and I would have gladly swapped their histories for that.

Kati and I lost touch eventually, as friends often do. My life moved on, I married (at the tender age of 22—to escape my mother) started a career, had children, got divorced, restarted my career, and so the decades passed. Kati and her family had not entered my thoughts for a long time, until one shocking day five years ago.

I was on a trip to Budapest and decided to visit the House of Terror—the imposing building in which the communist political police, the AVO, had been based. This secretive organisation, set up when the communists came to power after the Second World War, imprisoned, tortured and killed countless victims, and the HQis now a museum.

This 1CW-rcycll ltion about Vera made111c ad m -c lily mothCl. eVell nore

When Kati visited me in London, though, we shared rather less exciting times. My mother was not about to let two girls out on the razzle. Our biggest adventure was being chatted up by a dodgy bearded man while out strolling in Kensington Gardens.

True, my mother had had, as far as I knew, a more colourful past than Vera. In her youth she'd been a nightclub singer and recording star in Budapest, as well as appearing in numerous films, while

I walked through the labyrinth of cramped cells in the basement. On display were chains, rubber truncheons, pliers, electrical cables for delivering shocks, a gallows—and a final room listing the men and women who used this equipment to commit crimes against humanity.

I glanced at a gallery of AVO mugshots. Suddenly, I froze. Among the sea of faces was one I remembered well. She was younger in the photo than when I knew her, but the familiar smile and kindly eyes were the same. The name underneath the picture confirmed it was Vera, Kati's mum—"2nd Lieutenant, AVO".

I struggled with the discovery and with its extraordinary irony. Because in the intervening years since my friendship with Kati, I'd made a major discovery about my mother, too. During a trip to Hungary when I was 28, she suddenly revealed that she'd sheltered a small group of Jewish friends in her basement during the Nazi occupation. The Gestapo received information that linked her to these fugitives, and raided her home, but the Jews managed to avoid detection by hiding behind a fake panel in a wardrobe. Mum was taken into custody and questioned but, with no evidence against her, she was released after two weeks—and the fugitives all survived the war.

Finding out what she'd done filled me with pride and gave me a new respect for her—all the more so because she'd never spoken to me about it. I wrote a book about her exploits (Deadly Carousel: A Singer's Story of the Second World War), and the process of interviewing her was like a bridge that finally brought us closer together. So this new revelation about Vera made me admire my mother all the more.

Vera and her husband had abandoned the poisonous regime they'd both once supported, and it seems that, freed from its grip, her more genial side had taken over. But would I rather have had a laid-

back mum with an ignoble past—which I'm not sure Kati ever knew about—or a martinet who gave me a hard time, but was ultimately a role model to be proud of? I'd stick with the mother I had.

And—though I might well have thought differently at 16—in retrospect, I'd rather have had a painful upbringing that left me with a wealth of experiences so invaluable to me as a writer, than a bland adolescence full of pleasant memories.

As parents, few of us are perfect. My own failing was to be determinedly laissez-faire with my two boys and, though they have turned out fine, would they have done better at school, say, if I'd been tougher with them?

I don't really know why my mother was so strict despite her colourful past, though the culture shock of arriving in a very liberal America may have made her hark back to her traditional values. But we are all generally a mixed bag of pluses and minuses, and the stories of Vera and Vali have instilled in me the sense that, however unevenly life seems to deal our cards, it has a remarkable ability to balance things out in the end.

I often think of my mother, although she died 15 years ago. So many memories, but these days I tend to remember the good ones. •

I COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT ONE OUT FOR MYSELF

The application form for renewal of my disabled person's badge has just arrived. The instruction at the head of the form reads: "If you are completing this form for someone else please ensure that the information provided is about HIM/HER—not yourself." How very helpful! Submitted by Gina Greeves, Belfast

EAS3-bted badge holders ont.,

Lisa Paul' Kner

...MY PARENTS NEVER WORRIED WHERE WE WERE. I grew up in Esher, Surrey. When I was seven, I'd go out on the common all day on my bike, with my cousins and my younger sister Victoria. It was a really safe, idyllic place to live.

...SUMMERS IN OUR LOVELY BIG GARDEN. Victoria and I would make dens, and play with Barbies and Sindies Lisa, eight, and for hours. We didn't Victoria, six, on have a Ken, so we cut their hols in 1980 Sindy's hair to make her into a boy, and

we used a toy tank as Barbie's jeep! We used our imaginations so much.

...HOLIDAYS ON A SHOESTRING.

My mum Julie was obsessed with the sun. We didn't have a lot of money—my dad was a civil servant and my mum a legal secretary—but she always wanted to go away somewhere hot. So we'd wait until the last minute, go to the travel agent the day before we wanted to leave, and they'd say, "Right, you can go to Spain for the next two weeks, for this price— but you won't know whereabouts until yr u get there." We'd go straight from then to the sales to buy summer clothes, and be on the plane the next day.

...SCHOOL WAS UP AND DOW'

I say I had an idyllic childhood, but I was quite a nervous student and was bullied, when I was about ten, for being skinny. Two girls who were supposed to be my best friends use i to push me in the mud, and my sister stuck up for me because I was too scared to say anything myself.

...MY MUM'S DINNER PARTIES.

She had three best friends, Nina, Pat -

Having just turned 40, Spooks and Holby City star Lisa is now forging a new career in cookery

and Anne. They and their husbands and kids would often come over. The grownups would put us to bed, but we'd creep down and listen to them from the stairs.

I loved the fact that my mum made such a huge effort for these parties—the table would look beautiful—but, when the adults went off to bed, they'd leave loads of this amazing food behind! So my sister and I would go down the next morning and eat the leftovers—chicken-liver p, followed by profiteroles and pavlova...

...THE RUG WAS SWEPT FROM UNDER ME WHEN I WAS 14. My mum got an ulcer in her tongue that was diagnosed as cancer. It was just horrible —especially as she loved food so much. She went into remission for some months, but suddenly the cancer came back and it wasn't long before my mum died. I was 16. I think now how amazing she must have been to have the strength to go through all that and s Lisa's mum Julie still protect us (right) loved to eat from it as much and entertain as she could.

Suddenly the cancer came back and it wasn't long before my mum died. I was 16

...GETTING "SPOTTED" AT BOND STREET STATION WHEN I WAS GOING TO SEE MUM IN HOSPITAL. A talent scout for an agency came up and asked me to model for Vidal Sassoon. I remember thinking, / don't really know what to do. My mum was very ill by then but she urged me to try it. I went into the hospital to show her the photos afterwards. She was so proud and said, "They're really beautiful." It was really nice to have that before she died.

...MY FRIENDS DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH ME AFTER SHE'D GONE. My best friend Emma told me that the deputy headmistress had said to her, "Lisa will have loads of people around her now, but they won't be around in six months' time, and that's when she's going to really need you." So Emma sat back and let all these school friends write letters and "be there" for me. And as soon as they stripped away—which took two months, I'd say, not six— she was there to pick up the pieces.

...BEING WHISKED OFF TO TRAVEL THE WORLD AS A MODEL.

After Mum died, the talent scout kept ringing me and I was offered the cover of Just Seventeen. I thought, I'm just gonna do this and left school. Soon after I was spending three months modelling in Tokyo. It was such a culture shock. The agency gave me a room in a flat with other girls from different parts of the world. Every day, I'd get put in a van and go and pose for loads of different magazines, catalogues, whatever.

I felt like Scarlett Johansson in Lost in Translation. It was that loneliness, and the sense of being a voyeur. I made a few friendships, but they were transient. The modelling world is tough. Like Johansson's character, I discovered myself, and I discovered different food, and it was a bizarre, amazing time.

...GOING TO VIETNAM TO SHOOT MY FIRST ACTING ROLE IN THE 1992 FILM THE LOVER, WITH JANE MARCH. The director Jean-Jacques Annaud had found me in a magazine, and I'd been taken, first class, to Paris for a screen test. I got the part and flew out to Ho Chi Minh. It was incredible. At the end of the first day's filming, the photographer, Benoit Barbier, said, "A star is born"—bless him! They had a French chef there, which I loved. Sadly, the director saw how much I was eating. I was put on a diet of green beans and told, "No more cakes from the patisserie for you, madam!"

...HAVING A VARIED LOVE LIFE. You kiss a lot of frogs before you meet any princes! I was an actress in lots of new situations, and you'd go off and fall in love with whoever you were working with. I had quite a few flurries of, "Oh God, I'm in love with him...oh, no I'm not, I'm in love with him!" But my sister was always the constant that I could go back to; who'd make it all better.

...FINDING IT FUNNY WHEN FHM PUT ME IN THEIR "TOP 100 SEXIEST WOMEN" LIST.I never felt like a "hot" person in my life. Photos are always air-brushed to make you look good, so you can't help but go, "Oh! I like that picture— I wish I did look like that in a bikini in real life!" I never felt embarrassed—I thought it was ace and it opened a lot of doors.

...MY THREE HOLBY CITY YEARS.

Back in 1999, it was a new show and so exciting. I met my two best friends, Nicola Stephenson and Angela Griffin (right). I was working 14-hour days, then going out with them In London every night. We'd go to 10 Room, Chinawhite... It was brilliant.

...FEELING INSPIRED BY AMANDA REDMAN. She was my parents' favourite actress, so when I worked with her on [mid-90s BBC1 crime show] Dangerfield, I said, "Ahh, you

remind me of my mum!" She's younger, but she's blonde and had something about her that was similar. So I loved her —I asked her a lot of questions and she became a mentor.

...SETTLING DOWN TO START A FAMILY—BUT GOING THROUGH HELL TO HAVE A CHILD. My first niece Lola was born in 1998. I was Victoria's birth partner and, when Lola came out, it was amazing. She was the first baby I'd held and we bonded straight away.

Then, when I was about 30, Chris [Coghill, Lisa's husband] and I started trying for a baby. I had an ectopic pregnancy, which was horrendous. Then we tried IVF. I did three and a half rounds, which failed miserably. It was a really hard time emotionally and financially— I spent all my savings on it. But by that point, I'd made my decision. I wanted to be a mum and didn't care how. So we fostered and later adopted Billie, who's now six. She's my dream. She makes the hell we went through worthwhile.

...BEING ASKED TO GO ON CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF IN 2010. I love [presenter] John Torode and imagined I'd go and have a nice day cooking, then go home. I had no idea I'd still be there three months later—and win!

I was insecure as a child, but my acting success had made me more confident. Then, going through the process of having a child, and taking a year off to be a mum, I lost my identity again, becaming nervous and shy. Masterchef helped me find myself once more, in this whole new form of cooking, which I felt so comfortable with.

I now do shifts as a chef at John's Smith of Smithfields restaurant, to improve my cooking. They treat me the same as anyone else. I'll sometimes start at about eight in the morning and finish at 11 at night. Every day that I have off, that's where I'll be—in a professional kitchen, learning to cook to the best of my ability. ■ As told to Ellie Rose

» Lisa's first cookery book, Recipes from my Mother for my Daughter, is out March 1.

NATURAL WONDERS: BONOBO APE

Although less famous than its ape cousins—chimpanzees, gorillas and orangutans—bonobos deserve more of the limelight. After all, they're our closest relatives in the animal kingdom, sharing 98 per cent of our genes. Recent research has suggested they're capable of understanding more than 380 words, including both conjugated verbs and concept words. On this basis, some have asked if the bonobo should be accorded the same "right to life" as humans. This question is sharpened by their endangered status. Bonobos live exclusively in the Congo River basin, and the ongoing hostilities in that region, combined with habitat loss and hunting, have decimated their numbers, with probably only 10,000 left in the wild. If you want to help or make a donation, visit the Bonobo Conservation Institute at bonobo.org.

Every year thousands of people put their faith and trust in Cats Protection when looking for a new addition to the family. Behind each volunteer and member of staff is a wealth of experience and expertise which means when you adopt one of our cats, you can feel safe in the knowledge that he has been given the best possible care.

When he leaves Cats Protection, your cat will have been treated to a top-to-tail medical.

This means he will have been:

• Fully examined by a veterinary surgeon

• Vaccinated at least once against flu and enteritis

• Treated against fleas, roundworm and tapeworm

• Neutered if old enough

• Microchipped

We also provide four weeks' free insurance (terms and conditions apply) giving invaluable peace of mind and reassurance as you and your cat embark upon this lifelong friendship.

All he needs now is a loving home to make his dreams come true - over to you!

T: 03000 12 12 12

E: helpline@cats.org.uk

W: www.cats.org.uk

Reg Charity 203644 (England and Wales) and 5C037711 (Scotland)

They've been the poor relations for years, but now they're one of science's hottest topics. And it's just as well—because without them we'd be dead. Toby Murcott reveals why it's time to show bacteria some respect

ASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

Human beings can make a pretty good claim to be the masters and mistresses of planet earth. After all, we live on every continent, have moulded the environment to our own ends, and can even survive in outer space. But if you think that puts us in charge, then think again. There's another group of organisms that can do all this and more. Microscopic bacteria are the puppet masters that are really in control of our planet. Don't believe me? Read on... ►

VITAMIN BOOST

We might think we're pretty sophisticated as a species, but to bacteria we're just a great place to hang out—every nook and cranny of our bodies is swarming with billions of bacteria. Not a particularly appealing thought, it's true, but they're essential for our well-being.

Take vitamin K. There are a number of different forms of this vitamin, some of which we get from our diet. But there's one crucial version, vitamin K2, that we get mainly from (' (;.' bacteria. Some of the many species that live in our gut produce K2 as part of their own metabolism. Without them we'd risk vitamin K deficiency, blood-clotting disorders and bone problems such as osteoporosis. That's also why, in many countries, newborn babies are given vitamin K. If they don't get it, they're at risk of a rare but potentially fatal condition called vitamin K-deficiency bleeding.

We need to get these helpful bacteria shortly after birth, first from our mothers and later from food. They make up part of what's become known as the microbiome, all the different bacteria that live in and on us. Scientists now think them

DOWN AND DIRTY

• Bacteria are single-celledall the functions required for life (eating, excreting, moving, reproducing, etc) are carried out within a single cell. It's possible to identify key areas within the cell, but there are no walls or dividers between them.

so important there's a major international research project—the Human Microbiome Project—underway to study them.

GUT BUSTERS

While some claims about fermented-milk products being full of healthy gut bacteria don't always pass muster, there's some good science behind them. Their benefits include: boosting our immune system; reducing lactose intolerance; and helping prevent diarrhoea, peptic ulcers and even colon cancer.

In fact, the granddaddy of healthy bacteria Lactobacillus bulgaricus was thought to be one reason why Bulgarians had longer lifespans, due to all the yogurt they ate. NobelPrize-winning Russian microbiologist Ilya Ilyich Mechnikov drank soured milk every day, convinced it would prolong his life. (He died aged 71—not bad for someone born in 1845.)

One example of good bacteria is the use of a "faecal transplant" to treat C. duff, a common bacterium that lives harmlessly in healthy people's guts, but can cause serious infection in elderly patients who've had large amounts of antibiotics that have killed off other gut

• Martian meteorites contain tiny deposits that some researchers think are evidence of bacteria from Mars, though this is still controversial.

• The enzymes in washing powder come from bacteria that have evolved to live in hot springs, making them able to survive the rigours of the hot cycle.

bacteria, allowing C. diff to take over. A small sample of faeces is taken from someone close to the infected person, liquidised in a little salt water and then transferred via a tube into their gut. In most cases, this new influx of intestinal bacteria completely cures the infection. Friendly bacteria indeed.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR

Bacteria might also play a role in love and marriage. As we reach puberty, the glands in our groins and armpits start to produce chemicals that seem to act as sexual attractants. But the raw chemicals have to be processed by the bacteria that live on our skin to produce those familiar musky scents—so when Napoleon famously told Josephine not to wash before his return, he was onto something.

FULL OF FLAVOUR

complex flavours in many of them: the fermentation of chocolate, the extraordinary smooth holes of Swiss cheese or the tanginess of sausages. Despite all our ingenuity we've yet to recreate these processes, so we rely on microscopic bacterial chefs to do it for us.

SURVIVAL OF THE TOUGHEST

Napoleo n has a lot to thank J osephine's bacteria fo r. The rest of us can but appreciate bacteria's r ole in cacao fermentat ion—giving chocolate its flavour

Napoleon may well have offered his lover enticing titbits from his travels. And it's bacteria that are responsible for the

Some 400 miles or so above our heads is a tin can carrying a small sample of the human race. The International Space Station (ISS) is a huge feat of engineering, designed for people to live in space. But we're mere weaklings. A small clump of bacteria survived for 553 days outside the ISS. They froze solid, tolerated intense UV radiation and harsh vacuum, and still lived on. They weren't even anything special —they came from rocks on the south coast of England. This experiment adds weight to the enticing but controversial idea that life on earth was seeded by microbes from space. or-

• Identifying bacteria can be tricky, as very different species can swap genetic information. In fact, they're so promiscuous that you could think of them as the equivalent of broccoli successfully mating with a tiger.

• The smallest bacterium is Mycoplasma genitalium, which lives in the genital tracts of primates and is about 50 millionths of a millimetre.

44 These critters show bacteria have the potential to survive such hardships.

RAINING AND POURING

Come a little closer to earth and you meet bacteria with a power we humans can only dream of: weather control. Raindrops start as ice particles in clouds, but can't form on their own. Water vapour needs to condense around a tiny particle, such as a speck of dust. But researchers have found that certain bacteria are able to do this trick much more effectively, and have been discovered in raindrops all around the world. It looks like these bacteria are the planet's true rainmakers, affecting clouds and climate, and sparking off storms. In fact, they are so good at forming ice particles that ski resorts use them in snow-making machines when the natural stuff lets them down.

These bacteria normally live and reproduce on plants—a problem for farmers because they cause frost to form on crops. Their rainmaking abilities might be a way of travelling to pastures new:

II

• Some bacteria can live in water at around 100°C in hydrothermal vents at the bottom of the sea. They can in theory survive boiling water. There are some bacteria that can survive inside nuclear power stations. And some live buried over a mile down in the rocks at the bottom of the ocean.

sit in the dust; get blown up into the atmosphere; then come down again in raindrops hundreds of miles away.

ALL THAT GLITTERS

Bacteria really do seem to be worth their weight in gold. This precious metal was originally panned from streams—washed out, it was thought, from underground seams. Now it looks as though bacteria are at work here, too. Some species are able to trap the vanishingly small amount of gold dissolved in water and turn it into solid nuggets. They can also do this trick with other metals—so much so

• We have around ten times as many bacteria living on us as there are cells in our bodies. That's about 100 trillion cells verses a trillion trillion bacteria.

Another bad-weather day? Blame those bacteria in the raindrops

JOHN LUND/ GETTY IMAGES

that there's considerable effort going into using them to clean up the heavy metals left behind by mining.

STONE ERODERS

Earth-shattering stuff? Some bacteria can do that, too. Called chemolithotrophs, these bacteria produce chemicals that can eat away stone, carving up the landscape. In fact, it's now acknowledged that they're one of the most important factors in weathering and eroding rocks. They're involved in hollowing out caves, wearing down mountains and releasing mineral nutrients into soil. Humans have certainly dug tunnels and blown up mountains, but we're minnows compared to the steady grind of bacterial rock eaters.

DIGGING THE DIRT

amount of energy to do, consuming vast quantities of fossil fuels. Yet the bacteria in your garden do it as nonchalantly as we might stroll around looking at the flowers.

They live in the roots of leguminous plants such as peas and beans, fertilising their hosts in return for a safe place to live. If we could persuade them to live in other crop plants, such as wheat or rice, we could save billions on fertilisers. If researchers succeed, then these bacteria could make a huge difference for the world's seven billion (and rising) hungry mouths.

Golden w onder: bacteria c an turn gold disso Ived in water into nuggets

0 W It's in soil that bacteria quietly get on N '1 with doing something that we'd prob- ably starve without: produce fertiliser. co 1: At its heart is a chemical process that (f) 1- captures nitrogen from the air, possibly 6 the most important chemical reaction 6 in the world. It takes an enormous

• Many types of cheese get their unique taste from different species of bacteria, some of which are related to the bacteria that cause smelly feet.

Do bacteria rule the world? Maybe not quite in the way that mankind does. Nevertheless, they have a huge impact on every corner of our planet. Yes, there are some nasty ones. But then not all human rulers are perfect either. •

The International Human Microbiome Congress in being held in Paris from March 19-21. For details, visit metahit.eu/paris20

• The largest-known bacterium, Thiomargarita namibiensis, is found in oceans and is just visible to the naked eye (at about 0.75 millimeters in diameter). 50%of human faeces is bacteria

• The earliest known fossils are of bacteria in the form of cushionshaped lumps of minerals called stromatolites.

The oldest are nearly 3.5 billion years old, but living ones can still be found in places such as Shark Bay in Australia.

If America has alwa0 tried to do things bigger and better, then perhaps it's fitting that our little island is crammed with so many small and quaint curiosities

Y RACALI

Quay House in Wales. At ten feet by six, estate agents might describe it as "compact"

IN NEED OF AN EXTENSION

♦Quay House, Conwy, Wales

When house building in a street starts with two teams of builders haphazardly making their way towards the middle, it's no surprise that a gap might occur where they fail to meet. The real surprise is when the gap is turned into a house measuring just ten feet by six, giving a literal meaning to the phrase not enough room to swing a cat".

The last resident at number

• 10 Lower Gate was a six-foot:4 three mussel fisherman called ,-/-) Robert Jones, who lived there until 1900. After 15 years here, o the council deemed the house unfit for human habitation and

• he was forced to move somewhere a bit roomier. The Quay House is still owned by the 3 • Jones family and now operates o

as a museum, where the public ui can view the ground-floor o room (which contains a tap and a stove—pictured above) and the upstairs one (which ,° just squeezes in a bed and L '1 ) cabinet). It's the most accurate g interpretation of a "one up, 8 one down" there is.

THE LITTLE HAVEN

Culbone Church, Somerset

At just 35-feet long, Culbone Church is both exceptionally small and exceptionally old— there's been a church on this site for 1,377 years, ever since seven Welsh monks arrived at the Somerset hamlet to convert the West Country heathens.

As the village of Culbone has had a tumultuous history, so the church has fallen in and out of disrepair. In the 16th century it was a leper colony, and at various other points it's been a place of refuge for banished people—magicians, slaves, thieves, adulterers, and the mentally insane.

A renovation in 1768 set Culbone Church back on track as a permanent place of worship, and in 1897 improvements such as enlarged windows, a bell tower and a harmonium were added. Its remote location means that Culbone Church can only be reached on foot—two miles down a rural footpath from historic Porlock Weir—but it's worth it to experience a service in this little gem.

COSY CUPPA

The Window Coffee, Norwich Coffee shops are by nature intimate places. But things can get really snug in The Window Coffee, which seats just five people on a bench, making it hard not to strike up a chat with your neighbouring coffee-drinker over a morning latte.

Barista Hayley Draper set about converting the old tobacconists with the help of her dad's carpentry skills, then crammed it with art, flowers and pastries (she once even managed to fit 14 people inside). The coffee isn't bad either—Draper came fifth in the UK Barista Championships recently with her signature drink, consisting of honey from her own bees, espresso, lemongrass, coffee cherries and sparkling water. go, .447 41110,44 lr

A long and short history: the site of Culbone Church dates back to the Anglo-Saxons

Small

space, big welcome: Hayley Draper's the big boss of the tiny Window Coffee shop

LIGHTING THE WAY

Bishop Rock, Isles of Scilly

Imagine an area half the length of a football pitch by half the length of a tennis court. Now imagine a 160-foot-high lighthouse built on that small space, and you're close to picturing the Bishop Rock lighthouse, which sits on a rocky outcrop on the westernmost tip of the Isles of Scilly.

Ships were very often wrecked around these isles—most famously an entire squadron of the British fleet in 1707, which resulted in the deaths of 2,000 men. By 1847 it was decided that a lighthouse should be built on one of the outcrops, and Bishop Rock was chosen as the most south-westerly point in Britain. The first attempt was washed away in a storm three years into the build, but the second attempt (started in 1851) was a triumph, and the first flash of light shone through the night sky in 1858.

Although the fog signal was discontinued in June 2007, it's still listed in the Guinness World Records as the world's smallest island with a building on it.

BOOK WORMING

Wells Library, Somerset

There's meant to be no talking in public libraries, and there isn't at the Westburysub-Mendip one either—but only because the phone has been disconnected. When the Somerset village lost its mobile library and public phone in quick succession, they came up with the idea of combining the two and having a book exchange in the old phone box instead.

The BT-owned box was sold to Westbury Parish Council for £1, four shelves were added, and they were soon crammed with best-sellers, cookbooks, children's books and DVDs for the villagers to pick from at any hour of the day.

PINT-SIZED

The Signal Box Inn, Cleethorpes

With 98,000 passengers using Cleethorpes Coast Light Railway each year, it's going to be a bit of a squeeze if everyone wants to finish their journey with a pint—The Signal Box Inn only has room for four seated customers and two standing at any one time. This pint-sized pub measures just 64 square feet, but its diminutive nature doesn't affect the

quality of what's on offer, with five pumps serving real ale to the punters visiting the seaside town.

The inn dates back to the early 1900s, when it was a signalman's but on

the Steel Works railway in Scunthorpe. It has been run as a pub at the Lakeside Station for six years, snatching the title of "smallest pub in Britain" away from The Nutshell in Bury St Edmunds, which at 112.5 square feet seems roomy in comparison.

Parliament Street, Exeter

If you've put on weight this winter then be careful navigating this narrow passage in Exeter's town centre, which links Waterbeer Street to the High Street and is just 25 inches wide at its narrowest point.

The 700-year-old lane was aptly named Small Street before the council rechristened it Parliament Street in 1832, as a nod to the Reform Bill that had just been passed. Having lost its original name, a group of locals thought it would be right to raise £130 for the street to be widened in 1836. But the work never happened, and the passageway is still a tight squeeze.

The street was once the proud title-holder of "the narrowest street in the world"—but in 2007 the Guinness World Records transferred the honour to Germany's SpreuerhofstraBe (which measures a ludicrous 19 inches at its narrowest).

QUITE A SHOW

The Theatre of Small Convenience, Malvern, Worcestershire

As its name implies, this Malvern-based Victorian theatre used to be a gentlemen's lavatory. Now decorated in a commedia del 'arte-style with whimsical frescos, gold gilt and red velvet curtains, it couldn't be further from its roots as a urinal.

Founded by a local puppeteer in 1999, the theatre specialises in short, Saturday-afternoon puppet shows, though real-life actors have also graced the boards for intimate performances to the six-strong audience.

The Theatre of Small Convenience closes for repair work and renovation at the start of each year, but is now open again for performances.

eeping the streets lean: the Trafalgar quare Police tation is now a room cupboard

'ELLO 'ELLO

rafalgar Square Police elation, London Trafalgar Square has always `.)een a place for political demonstrations and public jatherings—the fountains n.Aiere actually added in 1839 o reduce the space for mobs to accumulate—so it's no wonder that the square should benefit from its own police station to help keep the peace.

o The Trafalgar Square Police Station started its life as an ornamental light feature that l

was installed in 1826 in the

south-east corner of the

square. Exactly one century later it was hollowed out by Scotland Yard and fitted with a light and telephone to connect the on-duty bobby to Westminster's Cannon Row police station.

Sadly, the glory days have passed for the Trafalgar Square Police Station—it's been relegated to a storage cupboard for Westminster Council cleaners, and a converted phone booth in Florida has now stolen its title as the world's smallest police station. But the idea of the lonesome bobby of Trafalgar Square is a wonderful nod to past British eccentricity. •

If you have a better "small gem" than the ones we mention here, why not let us know? Send us an email—with a picture if possible —to theeditorcp readersdigest.co.uk There's much more in our Best of British series—including extra tiny treats— at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine

NEXT MONTH: CLUBS AND SOCIETIES

A Life Less Ordinary

He's old enough to be his teammates' father. But, at 45, James Ditzell is on the verge of competing in the Boat Race—and being the oldest man ever to have rowed for Oxford

r.

"Wha 's He Doing Here?

JO'F11■1191MtrNI

OGRAPHED BY RICHARD BAKER

The sky fell In on James Dltzell back In October 1990. The 23-year-old rower stood every chance of making Australia's 1992 Barcelona Olympics Men's Eight team. But as he showered after a training session with his club in Sydney Harbour one Saturday morning, a teammate realised something could be very wrong.

"You've got a nasty mole on your back, Ditz," said Andrew Palmer, a doctor. "Get it looked at on Monday." ►

4 The mole was a malignant melanoma and, although the operation to remove it was a success, James—who'd been part of Australia's under-23s rowing squad— had to take several weeks off training to recover. When he returned, his fitness levels were well behind his Olympic rivals and, worse, he'd developed glandular fever. Training became near impossible and, though he took many more weeks off to try to get back to full health, every time he attempted to restart his punishing rowing regime the glandular fever returned. After months of treatment, a doctor eventually told him: "Go and do something else—you'll never row competitively again."

It was a bitter blow for James, who'd been obsessed with rowing since he was 12. But the focused young man turned his energies to getting a master of commerce degree at the University of New South Wales, and was soon fast-tracked into a management position in the Sydney office of consumer-goods giant Unilever. There, he found he had a talent for troubleshooting: shortly after starting his new job, he had a factory that was about to be shut down back in profit within weeks.

His career went from strength to strength and, in 1999, he met and married Sonya Whyte, 31, an extrovert blonde finance manager. The pair eventually moved to London for work in 2005, and James dived into a series of high-level project-management contracts at different firms, taking on everything from IT to HR reorganisations.

But while the rest of his life was going well, James was increasingly unhappy with his fitness. In the early 2000s, after

"The worst thing that can happen

shrugging off the glandular fever, he'd managed to run three marathons and even become a hot-shot sailor, winning an Australian championship. But now, long hours in the office meant bad eating and not enough exercise. Although his growing flab didn't matter for his sailing, by the summer of 2009 he felt in desperate need of a new challenge.

The couple had moved to a flat on the Thames in Barnes. Staring at the rowers outside his window, James began to itch to pull an oar once more. He'd also been thinking of doing a MSc in majorprogramme management at Oxford University to boost his career. A mad notion tickled his brain. If I got into Oxford, I could row again. Then I could try to get selected for the Boat Race.

James had only ever seen the famous 4.25-mile contest between Oxford and Cambridge on TV, but he knew it was one of the world's great endurance tests. For a rower like him, taking part would

Oar-inspiring: training on the Thames in January, with James at the back. Each rower's shoes are attached to the footplate in the boat, while modern blades are made from light carbon fibre be his ultimate sporting achievement.

Still, he was six foot two and 18-anda-half stone, with a large belly and pale cheeks. Worse, he was 43 and hadn't rowed competitively for 19 years. The oldest man ever to win a seat in Oxford's team was 36—and he'd never stopped rowing. Even Sir Steve Redgrave was only 40 when he'd won the last of his five Olympic gold medals in 2000. For

James to even think of mixing it with the super-fit students in the Boat Race was bonkers.

But he had enough money saved to fund a career break, and an enthusiastic Sonya fuelled his crazy plan. "There's no downside to at least trying," she said. "The worst thing that can happen is you just get really fit."

With an impressive application and his job record behind him, James was accepted onto the Oxford course. It didn't start until October 2010, so he arranged a meeting with the university's head

rowing coach Sean Bowden to ask him about his chances of being considered for the Boat Race. Bowden was openminded, but pragmatic.

"It's not your age that counts," he said. "You have to be good enough—nothing else. But you'll be tested with rigour."

When James announced his ambition to a group of former Oxford rowers at that July's Henley Regatta, though, they chuckled. The look in their eyes said it all: You don't stand a chance, mate.

Unbowed, James drew up a list of what he needed to do—lose weight, develop endurance, get mentally tough, adopt a high-protein diet, and learn to row faster than ever in his life. His target: get ready for the September 2011 selection process for Oxford's 20-man rowing squad—from which eight athletes would

be chosen for the premier "blue boat" in the April 2012 Boat Race and eight for the reserves contest. With a flow chart pinned to the wall, he and Sonya mapped out his campaign.

"Training's not negotiable," James warned. "It has to be the most important thing I do. It takes priority over everything. No holidays..."

"Hang on a mo," Sonya interrupted. "Our trip to South Africa was booked months ago."

"OK, just make sure every hotel has a gym with a rowing machine."

James set up his own rowing machine in a friend's shed, spending up to two hours a day, six days a week, slaving away until he gasped for breath. Boredom was kept at bay by daydreaming of water bubbling under the Oxford boat's bows

Restaurateur. Businesswoman. Trail blazer. Mistress. Wife. Mother. The story of a life lived with

and seeing the light-blue Cambridge rowers trying to catch up.

His regime also demanded that he pump iron, row for up to 16 miles, six days a week, in a one-man boat on the cold and choppy Thames, and cycle five miles to Wimbledon Common before running round its football pitches for an hour. When he developed shin splints, he decided it was probably due to his gait when running, so he simply adjusted it by running in bare feet—even in the snow

In early 2010, he started a new job managing contracts for a big government department. When his eyelids drooped, he tiptoed into a side room and power-napped on the carpet. Still, he was plagued by exhaustion and frequent colds, so he added even more nutrients to his diet, including smoothies made from chunks of frozen spinach, nuts, seeds and protein powders.

By the time he moved to Oxford, James was a changed man. He'd lost four stone of fat and put on more than a stone of muscle. In fact, he weighed the same as when he was 19, and had to buy new trousers. On the rowing machine, he could cover 2km in six minutes, ten seconds— good enough, in theory, to get him into an Olympic rowing squad. So while he dealt with the demands of a world-class academic programme, he kept at the intense training ahead of the September Boat Race try-out.

In the initial tests by the university coaching team to check his technique, James did well. But, on the day of the key rowing-machine speed trial, he had to rush to Birmingham to renew his visa.

Driven man: James maps out his gruelling routine

On the way back, the train ahead of his caught fire. He managed to get on a different line to Oxford, but he arrived at the test with just minutes to spare, tired and with his brain in turmoil.

Around 50 other contenders were lining up. James could see that they were all strong, agile, very toned—and, in most cases, young enough to be his son. Several of them looked sideways at the bald Aussie who'd just arrived. It was obvious what they were thinking. Who's the old guy? What's he doing here?

But James tried to calm down and focus on the job in hand. When it was his turn on the rowing machine, he gave it his all—and his score put him into the top third of the group.

At the age of 44, James had achieved Id

the unthinkable. He was in the Oxford rowing squad. The middle-aged businessman was amazed, but delighted.

Now James had to cope with the Oxford team's regime, which includes several hours' early-morning gym work and training on the river, six days a week, and a stiff schedule of testing and races. But he'd pushed himself so hard that the new regime was, if anything, slightly easier. He drove on with a fury he'd never seen in himself before.

In mid-October, potential disaster struck when James was hit by a searing pain when rowing. He'd pulled his blade with such force that he'd broken his own rib. But despite 11 weeks off the water, his fitness was such that, after a training camp in France in January, the coaches

confirmed that his squad place was safe.

The Aussie has become a well-liked member of the Oxford rowing scene. Some of the students even see him as a father figure, asking his advice on girls. "He never talks about his age but regales us with tales of his ancient youth," says Karl Hudspith, president of the university's boat club and a squad member.

James won't know if he's made it into one of the two teams until around four weeks before the Boat Race on April 7 —by which time, he'll be 45. But he's already achieved something special.

"I'm enjoying a wonderful experience. If I row in the race, I'll be pretty pleased with myself. If I don't, you could say I've struck a blow for older people. But, then again, I've put all that behind me. Age just doesn't matter to me any more." ■

BACK IN THE DAY: 4 THE N

In our December 1942 issue, writer Archibald Rutledge collected together a number of "occult experiences" from readers under the title "Things We Can't Explain". Here's one from a correspondent in Connecticut:

"One evening my brother's wife and her three-year-old girl were alone in the brightly lighted bedroom of their apartment. The little girl was on her knees beside the bed, saying her prayers. Her mother stood nearby, listening. Suddenly she had a curious feeling that someone had come into the room, but she saw no one and said nothing of her feeling.

"When the little girl had finished she looked up and said, 'Mummy, who is that old man standing by you?' Her further description fitted perfectly her grandfather in Sweden whom she had never seen.

"The very next letter received from Sweden contained the news that this grandfather had died on the night the child said she had seen him."

Stay fit and active

Getting older doesn't mean you need to stop doing the things you love. A tailored diet and exercise plan is key to helping you continue to feel great

For 50+

Re-evaluate your diet

A healthy diet can help lift your mood so make sure you're getting a balance of vitamin-rich foods such as broccoli, sunflower seeds, carrots, lentils and fish. A balanced diet should provide you with all the vitamins and minerals you need, however, as you get older it can be wise to supplement your diet with a specially formulated vitamin supplement such as Vitabiotics

Wellwoman 50+ or Wellman 50+. The formula contains a spectrum of nutrients including L-carnitine, B-vitamins, zinc, iron and folic acid which can help support normal blood formation.

Keep your body active

Walking for just 30 mins a day can help protect your heart and circulation and it's the perfect time to clear your head, too!

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For 70+

Support your overall wellbeing and vitality

As you get older your body has different challenges so older adults may need extra care to ensure their intake of specific nutrients, like vitamin D. Try supplementing your diet with a multivitamin supplement such as Wellwoman 70+ or Wellman 70+, which is an advanced formula with micronutrient vitamins and minerals to help support overall health and vitality. It includes lutein, Co-Q10, Siberian ginseng, pumpkin seed, L-carnitine & ALA.

Maintain your energy levels

Eating whole grains. which provide a slow and steady release of fuel, can help balance your energy levels. If you're not getting enough whole grains. try a

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Simply send your name and address to: Reader's Digest 50+ giveaway. Freepost LON 8157, Vitabiotics. 1 Apsley Way. London NW2 7HF, stating which product you would like to win. The first name drawn after the closing date of 31st March 2012 will win.

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supplement that contains nutrients such as vitamin C, copper and iron which contribute to energy yielding metabolism. All of these nutrients can be found in Wellvol eau 7u- Jr1,1 Wellman 70+ multivitamin supplements.

Add years to your life by getting more active. Three 30-minute workouts a week (try brisk walking or cycling) will help make you stronger and more energised.

Support your immune system

Staying active in body and mind will help you to feel positive and in good shape. Ensure you're getting plenty of nutrients from foods such as bananas, liver and wholegrains.

All products double up as a multivitamin. WellwomanandWellman 50/70+ are available from Boots, Holland & Barrett, Tesco & Waitrose or online at www.vitabiotics.com

THE MAVERICK "DEFENDING 'BRITISH' WILDLIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME"

There's nothing wrong with letting foreign species stake a claim to our countryside, saN, Rachel Smith, even if it's at the expense of the natives

These islands may be green and pleasant, but they've never been an impenetrable wildlife sanctuary.

Since humans arrived 8,000 years ago, we've both deliberately and accidentally introduced new species that have had huge effects on the "native" flora and fauna—the stuff that was here before the land bridge to Europe was covered by sea at the end of the Ice Age. The aggressive Chinese mitten crab, for instance, which probably stowed away on visiting ships in the 1930s, can devastate fish stocks in rivers and cause erosion by burrowing into banks. Giant hogweed, meanwhile, an escapee from Victorian gardens that was brought here from south-eastern Europe, can take over pastures and reduce diversity

In recent years, government bodies and conservation groups have been trying to undo this damage and preserve Britain's remaining indigenous flora and fauna. Invasive foreign species are now frequently culled and cleared. Under the 1981 Wildlife and Countryside Act, you can get two years in prison for bringing non-native animals and plants over the border. And the Department for Environment, Food and Rural ►

• Affairs (Defra), via its non-native species secretariat and the various wildlife groups that help it, wants to keep Britain's countryside as "natural" as possible. But aren't these well-meaning strategies ultimately pointless?

After all, even if the majority of new creatures got here thanks to us and later found their way into

the wild, isn't it entirely natural that they manage to adapt and thrive? They're clearly suited to the local environment. And if they crowd out and hunt native species, isn't that just a good example of Darwin's survival of the fittest?

Conservationists might counter that new species can also radically alter the look of our beloved landscape. The brightly coloured southern-Europeanimport rhododendron, for example, is removed from moorlands because it overcomes the usual green-and-brown ground vegetation. Yet trying to preserve an authentic British countryside is chasing an imaginary ideal.

the moors that rhododendron invade were created after deforestation by ancient Britons.

Besides, stopping the advance of foreign invaders is a near-impossible task. Defra estimates that some £38m is spent each year controlling such species to protect biodiversity, but no amount of money

We remain suspicious of foreign creatures, and treat them in a way that would probably be called racist if applied to humans

"Every patch of land in this country already shows the scars of previous human actions," observes Chris Thomas, professor of conservation biology at York University. "There are essentially no truly natural habitats left." Manmade woodlands are havens for native birds and mammals—indeed, many of

will prevent some new "undesirable" sea creature attaching itself to a boat's hull, or stop climate change making our islands a destination for previously incompatible wildlife and plants.

Invasive species have also brought a lot of flavour to Britain's countryside, which is far less diverse than that of most of our Continental neighbours. Perhaps we should be grateful to the 30,000 ring-necked parakeets who brighten up the drab, pigeon-dominated skies of London and the South East rather than culling them, as the RSPB has suggested may soon be necessary.

Yet we remain suspicious of foreign creatures, and treat them in a way that would probably be called racist if applied to humans. Take the case of the American mink, originally imported in the 1920s for fur farming. Five years after it somehow established a colony on Scotland's Isle of Lewis in1969, four (native) hedgehogs were also introduced onto

the islands to control slugs. It was soon realised, however, that both animals were feasting on the eggs of protected waders, and the birds' numbers were plummeting. So the two incomers would have to go.

s "native species" a .?aningless term.

Join the debate at facebook.com/readers digestuk or email readersletters@ readersdigest. co.uk

Their treatment, however, was very different: "People's hatred focused on the American mink for eating Hebridean seabirds," says Professor David Macdonald, director of Oxford University's Wildlife Conservation Research Unit, "while the protests at the idea of killing hedgehogs were passionate." So a genocide was unleashed upon the poor mink population, while beloved Mrs Tiggy-Winkles—whose numbers were now in the thousands— were rounded up and tenderly carried off the island.

We are inconsistent, too. Another Beatrix Potter creation, Peter Rabbit, is a nature icon—despite his species being the bane of farmers—that was originally brought here by the Romans to be bred for food. But ruddy ducks, which originally came from the Americas and are

thought to have escaped from a private wildlife collection in the 1950s, have been portrayed as national enemies, incorrectly suspected of doing serious damage to other wildfowl and culled from more than 6,000 birds to fewer than 100. It seems that if something's been around for centuries, we accept it as one of our own; but if it's more recent, it's bad.

Of course, many invaders are a menace. Fast-growing Japanese knotweed can wreak havoc on anything from ornamental gardens to concrete walls, and causes tens of millions of pounds of damage every year. But then native species can be very destructive, too. Oak-tree roots can undermine house foundations; urban foxes kill pets and have been known to attack young children. Certain species will always need to be controlled, but where they come from is irrelevant.

So perhaps, instead of preventing change, we should embrace it and see Britain's wildlife future unfurl, as far as possible, in its own organic way. ■

ALL THAT GOOD WORK GONE TO WASTE

Excerpt from the Surrey Times: "The Boileroom music venue in Guildford has been awarded a 'Noise Oscar' for making a positive impact in reducing noise pollution. Gloria Elliott, chief executive of the Noise Abatement Society, said: 'We want to recognise the huge effort they have made, and shout about their successes.' " Submitted by P Vallins, Guildford, Surrey

BY LINDA GRAY

1,001 THINGS

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

How to SHARE YOUk WISDOM

PASS ON A SKILL AND YOU COULD change someone's life, whether your expertise is Mandarin or moss stitch. True, you won't get paid, but volunteering can give you training, fulfilment and even a new career. To see what's available, contact

your local Volunteer Centre or trawl the 68,000 vacancies on the Do-lt website (do-it.org), or Reach (reachskills.org.uk) if you have managerial experience. Then try these for a taste of what it's like to be an... ...aristocrat Move over Lady Mary! Train as a room or garden guide with the National Trust and you'll have the run of our finest stately homes.

...teacher Encourage kids with Volunteer NT

Reading Help (vrh. org), help adults learn English or basic skills, or become a computer buddy with Community Service Volunteers (csv.org.uk). And if you'd like to have a say in how schools are run, put yourself forward as a school governor. ...artist Inspire children to turn junk into art with Start Imagining (startimagining.co.uk) and you could see your protégés' work at an exhibition to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee. To get involved, set up your own group or volunteer in schools with craftclub.org.uk. ...wildlife expert Share a love of nature via your local Wildlife Trust. If you know about birds, contact the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust, which needs volunteer guides. ...social worker Parent mentoring, supporting youngsters in care and helping ex-offenders are some of the most demanding voluntary jobs on offer. If they're not for you, helping housebound people is just as valuable. Contact CSV for more.

How to MAKE A HAND-TIED BOUQUET

IT ONLY TAKES A FEW MINUTES to turn market flowers into a recessionbeating Mother's Day gift. First, fill your boots with narcissi, muscari, hyacinths and tulips in bud, plus flowering twigs—apple and cherry blossom, pussy willow, forsythia or dogwood— for structure and height. Then add a few showy numbers for pizazz. Head gardener Mick Brown, responsible for the flower arrangements at Chatsworth, recommends camellias, Lenten rose and crown imperial. Strip off all but the top leaves and soak the blooms in lukewarm water overnight. Annoyingly, daffs and narcissi ooze sap that harms other flowers,

so cut them to length now and soak separately in cool water to flush the stems. (Don't cut them again or they'll release more sap.)

Next day, lay the flowers on a table and take the biggest bloom in your left (or non-dominant) hand. Lay the next flower across it at an angle so it crosses two-thirds of the way up the stem and twist clockwise. Continue adding flowers in the same way until they form a dome, then secure at the crossover with florist's tape or twine, trimming all but the daff stems to length. Finish with a satin bow for a Mayfair-florist look at a fraction of the price.

How to PICK THE BEST LOYALTY CARD explore more '

THEY'RE A SOURCE OF SAVINGS AND FREE GOODIES—no wonder most of us have a wallet packed with loyalty cards. The downside is that the points equate to a discount as low as 1%, so check out prices elsewhere before buying goods.

To rack up the rewards, take out a credit card that gives points (Tesco, Nectar, John Lewis or M&S) on all your spending. But remember that you're giving away personal information in return. If you don't want a store to know your details, shop around!

Best deal Boots Advantage Card gives four points per £1, plus one point per El at 50 stores accessed through its Treat Street link, but points can't be used for part-payment.

Best for extras Tesco Clubcard only gives one point for every El (one for every £2 on petrol), but you can triple their value by swapping them for Clubcard Rewards. Use for restaurant meals or .7 " train tickets and gain an extra 30% by putting them towards your fuel bill at E.ON.

OMost outlets Nectar gives an average of two points per £1, available from over 500 stores. But be aware that there are far fewer places to spend them. Longest-lasting Waterstones offer three points to the pound, and the points never expire.

How to FIND A TRUSTWORTHY BUILDER

MORE THAN 170 BUILDING FIRMS GO BANKRUPT EVERY MONTH, leaving customers with a hole in their pockets and even the roof. So who can help protect their cash? The surprise answer is the Government, which backs the TrustMark scheme of 20,000-plus vetted trades (trustmark.org.uk). Each skill is individually assessed, so you can see if your builder can multitask or if you need a plumber or plasterer to finish the job.

All firms are credit-checked and offer a warranty for projects costing more than £250. That not only protects any deposit you pay but also guarantees the work for up to six years. If things go wrong, the scheme operators will step in. "Members carry out three million jobs a year and any complaints are mostly misunderstandings," says Stuart Carter, TrustMark's head of marketing. "If it's more serious, we can involve Trading Standards, who can take companies to court."

As TrustMark won't find the best deal, get quotes from at least three firms and check out their work. Mako sure you're happy with the contract and timetable, and agree any changes in writing. It may seem a hassle, but if you cut corners, your builder may as well.

HMMM, WHAT'S FOR LUNCH? Maybe not the wilted salad at the back of the fridge or those three-day-old leftovers. But when you realise they could save you £50 a month, they suddenly look more appealing.

That's the average amount a family of four wastes on uneaten food, according to the action programme WRAP, and it adds up to a staggering £12bn a year.

As throwing out less is the obvious way to cut ever-rising supermarket bills, it's worth freezing perishables you won't eat within 48 hours, shopping for fruit and veg every couple of days, and becoming portion-savvy. As for those past-it greens, salvage them for soup.

Learn to be cheeseparing—make a gratin from old Cheddar and stale bread, stretch leftover meat with lentils or rice, and freeze dregs of wine in ice-cube trays for stock. (For more ideas, go to lovefoodhatewaste.com.) Once you have the right mindset, you can make a whole meal out of food you'd once have thrown away—and relish it. ►

How to SPEED READ

SIFTING THROUGH PAPERS AND WEBSITES at twice your normal speed can make your productivity soar. Skimming gives you the gist of the text, scanning helps you find the specific nugget you need, and together they can increase your rate to 700 words a minute. To skim, home in on headings, key words, illustrations, and the first and last sentences of each paragraph, focusing on the meaning of the text as you go. To scan, flick through the categories—alphabetical, timed, or Google rankings—until you find the details you want. For maximum acceleration, try hypnotist Paul McKenna's photoreading technique, covering a page in two seconds and letting your subconscious absorb the meaning.

If you're worried about missing vital info, take the quiz on the BBC's Skillswise site (search for skimming and scanning, Entry 3) and see how you can improve. But if you want to find out about changes to, say, your ISA, go through the document word by word. Speed-reading gives you an overview, but it's all too easy to ignore a vital "not".

WHAT YOUR COSMETIC SURGEON WON'T TELL YOU

• I may not be skilled with a knife. Any doctor —radiologist, psychiatrist or GP—can set up in business as a cosmetic surgeon. If you'd rather not be a guinea pig, find one who's a member of BAAPS (British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons), BAPRAS (British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgeons) or on the General Medical Council Specialist Register for Plastic Surgery. Breast implants must pass the yo-yo test—but it's nothing to do with bounce. Fillers and implants are classed as devices, so they don't

undergo clinical trials. All they need is the CE mark, which shows they've reached the same safety standard that applies to toys.

• You may not need to pay me. Plastic surgery for disfigurement is usually free and every woman who has a mastectomy can have breast reconstruction on the NHS. Breasts heavy enough to cause pain, drooping eyelids that impair sight and a misaligned jaw that makes chewing difficult may also qualify for free surgery. But your GP will need convincing that there's a medical need.

• Come back In 2022. Breast implants need replacing every 12-15 years, whic means four ops in a lifetime if yo have them at 20 And though a facelift will alwa \is

make you look younger, you'll need another in ten years—the lifetime maximum is three.

• If you're cut, you'll scar. I'll do my best to hide scars, but I can't stop them showing up. They're more likely to be visible if you're fairskinned, a redhead ar Afro-Caribbean.

.ong scars can oe a problem for anyone when loose -,kin is removed.

Over 50? Swap leedles for `...nives. Most patients con't go rear an coerating table because they rely on it ectables ti freeze rr iscles and fil out their li fa e. But only a I )celift will he:o once the muscles z start to sag.

• Ops with maximum "ouch" factor include tummy tuck, breast implants under the muscle and brow lift, which stretches the nerves. But full facelifts, nose reshaping and breast reduction are less painful than you'd think.

• Moob jobs are up by almost 30%. Breast reduction is now the second most popular procedure for

Air

men, but there's an alternative. If they put on their Speedos once a week, they'd be inspired to work out and could save themselves £3,000.

• Forget the lunchtime lift. The only safe thing to have cut in your lunch hour is your hair. Bruises take a fortnight to fade and wounds can take weeks to heal, so don't expect to go back to work this afternoon.

• A clinic is a place, not a person. Choose a specialist by name so you can discuss treatment with your surgeon, not someone eager to close the sale. In any case, you may be better off in hospital. According to recent research, one in five clinics had no emergency

policy and less than half were properly equipped to do surgery.

• injecting Botox into an orange is sometimes all the training technicians get, and I can't supervise if I'm based miles away. You'll get better treatment if you see a BAAPS surgeon, a dermatologist, or a practitioner registered with Treatments You Can Trust (treatments youcantrust.co.uk).

• I can't turn you into Kate Moss or George Clooney. I turn one in three patients away because I can't meet their expectations.

• Your scalpel safari could last longer than you think. One London hospital performs corrective surgery every month on cosmetic-surgery tourists. Ask the company, before you pay, who'll step in if your implants go pear-shaped. ■

THE TALKING CURE

Sometimes all a patient wants is to be told what's really going on

The referral was simple—the surgical team were worried about Mr Brogan. He couldn't communicate and they were concerned he might be depressed. Would I go and see him? I was working in the mental-health team, providing psychiatric input to the medical and surgical wards.

I went up to the ward and read through Mr Brogan's notes. He was 28, and three years before he'd been diagnosed with a rare type of very aggressive cancer at the back of his nose and throat that had grown throughout the back of his face, then spread to his jaw and grown up behind his eye. As a result, he was very disfigured. Despite surgery and radiotherapy, the specialist surgeons caring for him had been unable to stop the cancer and it was

The problem didn't lie with Mr Brogan, but with the surgical team

now terminal. No one had told him, though.

As I entered Mr Brogan's room, he looked up at me—and I made every effort not to recoil. He only had half a jaw and the tumour could be seen protruding from his eye socket. His nose had been partially removed, too.

"It's OK, I know I'm no oil painting," he said, managing to smile. "Unless it's a Picasso," he joked. What struck me, more than his appearance, was the fact that he could communicate perfectly. His speech had been affected, but I could understan him without any problem. We sat and talked for over an hour.

He'd dealt with his cancer with remarkat stoicism and bravery, but while he was understandably sad at having it, he wasn' depressed. His main concern? "They won' tell me what's happening—what's really going on." It began to dawn on me that r problem didn't lie with Mr Brogan's communication, but with the surgical team. In truth, they'd referred themselves, rather than him. They hadn't been able tt bring themselves to tell him that the treatments hadn't worked; that he woulL die and there was nothing they could

was they who were depressed at the thought he'd die. They felt they'd failed him. But of course he knew this. He could tell by the way they looked at him. He just wanted them to tell him face to face.

I suggested we all meet to discuss his prognosis, so the next day, the surgical team broke the bad news—how long he had left and the support available in the ommunity for him nd his family.

Far from being 1 uncomfortable leeting, Mr Brogan )d the surgical am appeared to lax noticeably.

Brogan listened •,ently and .dded. He smiled us. "Thank you telling me," he i. "You've done rything you Id, and that's ,nyone could Inr"

oemberton is a h, ital doctor, and

the .Mind Journalist

of the Year 2010

WHAT DO THEY DO? Statins lower the amount of cholesterol in the blood. Cholesterol is a type of fat, and although the body needs some of it to make new cells, too much can build up in your blood vessels causing narrowing or even blocking. This can lead to strokes and heart attacks. There are two types of cholesterol—HDL (high-density lipoprotein), which is good and doesn't clog blood vessels, and LDL (low-density lipoprotein), which does cause clogging. This is what statins tackle.

HOW DO THEY WORK? They block the action of the enzyme HMG-CoA reductase, which is

involved in making cholesterol in the liver.

WHO TAKES THEM? Those who've already had

heart attacks or strokes, angina, high blood pressure, diabetes or high cholesterol. People are also sometimes prescribed statins to be on the safe side if, say, someone in their immediate family developed heart disease or high cholesterol at a young age.

are only available with a prescription. Statins are usually taken at night. Swallow the tablet whole, with a large glass of water.

SIDE EFFECTS?

Statins sometimes affect the liver, so a blood test is usually done before starting the medication to check the liver is working properly. Although side effects are rare, they include headaches, sleep disturbances, tiredness and depression. Stop taking your statins and contact your doctor immediately if you develop unexplained muscle pain or tenderness.

COMMON STATINS

Atorvastatin, simvastatin, pravastatin, rosuvastatin. ■

HOW DO YOU TAKE THEM? They

NEXT MONTH: blood-pressure pills

FISH AND NIPS

It might be more fun than a foot file, but how safe is a fish pedicure?

Fishy spas have surfaced in almost every town in Britain, offering a beauty treatment that literally turns your feet into plates of meat! Tanks of tiny Garra rufa fish nibble at the dead and thickened skin on your tootsies, leaving them smooth and pleasantly pampered.

But could they also leave you with something less pleasant—verrucas or athlete's foot, bacterial skin infections, even HIV or other viruses? Some people, including environmental health officers,

SNACK ATTACK

Out and about and feeling peckish?

Nutritionist Azmina Govindji of the British Dietetic Association suggests healthy alternatives to the usual fat- or salt-laden suspects such as cakes, pastries and crisps.

0

1.Peanuts (preferably unsalted) Filling, and full of fibre and nutrients, such as heart-protective polyphenols.

2. Smoothie Filling, and equivalent to 2 of your 5 a day.

were worried they might. So health watchdog the Health Protection Agency decided to look into the craze.

It concluded last autumn that "on the basis of the evidence identified and the

filling hot oat snack that gives you one of your 2-3 daily recommended wholegrain servings, plus calcium if you use milk.

4. Plain popcorn High in fibre and a wholegrain that

3. Porridge Pots Fibre-packed, 0

A protein-packed soya-bean snack, thought to reduce menopause symptoms and protect against 0

OD tilt I litII

will help reduce cholesterol as part of a diet low in saturated fat and a healthy lifestyle.

5. Edamame

consensus view of experts, the risk of infection as a result of a fish pedicure is likely to be very low". In other words, don't worry about it.

That said, if you have broken skin on your feet, are diabetic, have a foot infection, a blood-borne virus, such as HIV, or a depressed immune system, you might want to give that tank of flesh-eating fish a miss.

Find out more at the Health Protection Agency website (search for "fish pedicures").

heart disease when eaten as part of a hearthealthy lifestyle.

6. Nuts and Raisins

Iron and fibre in the dried fruit, antioxidants in the nuts to protect cells from damage —what's not to love?

What links the following well-known names?

They've all had the most common cancer to affect men—prostate. RD asked them how they were diagnosed:

Lord Steel, politician I was lucky in that my GP just suggested a routine blood test, and it showed my PSA [prostate specific antigen, a protein made in the prostate that can indicate cancer] was high. A subsequent scan revealed the presence of cancer in the prostate. Radiotherapy followed daily for three weeks and was successful.

Dave Prowse, Star Wars actor I knew nothing about prostate cancer before my brother was diagnosed with the disease. We decided to hold a golf day to raise money for The Prostate Cancer Charity. At the cheque

presentation I was chatting to someone from the charity who told me that men are more likely to develop the disease if their father or brother has been diagnosed. I went to my doctor for tests, which confirmed that I had prostate cancer as well.

Ken Horn, chef It was following a medical check-up, which I have every year. I had no symptoms whatsoever, which is why the diagnosis was such a shock. I think the PSA test is the best indicator.

Max Clifford, publicist I was diagnosed in October 2007 as a result of a PSA test. My doctor called me to let me know they had found the early signs of cancerous cells in my prostate.

None of our interviewees had any symptoms, but some men notice:

• A weak urine flow

• Needing to urinate more often, especially at night

• A feeling that your bladder has not emptied properly

• Difficulty starting to pass urine.

If you have any of these symptoms, or any questions about prostate cancer, see your GP; or call The Prostate Cancer Charity's confidential helpline on 0800 074 8383 or visit prostate-cancer.org.uk

Will the new "wonder cures" for obesity live up to the hype, asks

Dr David Ashton of Healthier Weight

Imagine a pill that allows you to eat what you like, but still lose weight without any unwanted side effects. It doesn't exist yet, but many of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies have committed huge sums of money attempting to develop such a pill. The latest candidate contains a synthetic version of the hormone oxyntomodulin, which acts as an appetite suppressant and removes the pleasure of eating. Is this pillcodenamed OAP 189—the "wonder cure" for obesity we've all been waiting for?

The inspiration for OAP 189 came from studies carried out in gastric-bypasssurgery patients. The dramatic weight loss associated with a bypass is largely due

to an increase in various gut hormones— including oxyntomodulin—which help suppress the appetite. The ideal weightloss pill would mimic the effects of these various hormones without the risks of surgery and unwanted side effects.

Oxyntomodulin is clearly a promising example of a new generation of weightloss drugs that could herald a new era in the medical treatment of obesity, but there are too many unanswered questions to claim the holy grail has been found just yet. Even if the drug emerges intact from rigorous clinical trials, obesity is a chronic, relapsing condition—so the key question is whether weight loss can be sustained. There's also the issue of safety. This area of scientific research is crowded with the remains of scores of "wonder" drugs that turned out to be not so wonderful. The most recent example was Rimonabant, which was withdrawn in 2008 because of serious side effects—notably an increased risk of suicide.

Oxyntomodulin will not turn out to be a "miracle" cure for obesity, because true miracles just don't happen. But given the continued commitment of teams of scientists, a safe, effective drug treatment for the obese may be closer to hand.

What's the easiest way to sweeten your breath? According to New York University dentists, it's brushing your tongue.

A major cause of morning breath is the 300-odd types of ' Lt bacteria that can build up overnight on the teeth and tongue, feeding on tiny food particles. But among those who brushed their tongue and teeth for a full minute twice a day for two weeks, levels of sulphur compounds fell 53 per cent. ■

When a new resident moves into a Bupa Care Home, with the help of family and friends we fill out a 'Map of Life'. This is our unique way of getting to know our residents so we can really help them feel at home. So when the carers at Downlands Park discovered that dancing the waltz was Joanna's passion, they made sure this was something she could enjoy as often as possible, within the comfort of the home. To find dut how Bupa can help you or to download your free guide, search 'Bupa Care Homes' or call 0800 00 10 10.

Bupa. Helping You Find Healthy

BEAW WITH JAN MASTERS

RED-CARPET HAIR

Achieve screen siren perfection with elegant and immaculate styling

You've got a bit of a do on the horizon. OK, so maybe not the Oscars. Perhaps a posh party? And you don't just want a good-hair day, you want a gorgeous-hair day. For inspiration, look to the red carpet.

"There's a lot you can learn from all that grooming and glamour," says Charles Worthington, official hair stylist for the Orange British Academy Film Awards. "It's hair that's perfectly prepped and sumptuously shiny—and often a different hairstyle— that provides an awardsready celebrity look, and it's something we can all emulate."

This year, Charles celebrates 25 years in the business (in 2006, he was honoured with an MBE for services to hairdressing). To mark the occasion, he's introducing a set of limited-edition products—the BAFTA and Anniversary Collection.

Pretty in pink,

the star of the line-up is Big Bounce Spray, £5.19, with collagen extract and styling polymers to bring body and hold to just-washed hair or revitalise it post party.

"These products focus on vitality and volume, key elements that scream healthy, vibrant hair," explains Charles. "It's also worth knowing that lacklustre locks can make your skin appear sallow and drawn, whereas shiny hair helps rev its radiance. Glossy, bouncy hair also encourages you to carry yourself differently, too—with confidence and energy."

As he reflects on a lights-cameraaction-packed career, Charles cites a trio of past Bafta looks from Team Worthington of which he's particularly proud:

• Sharon Stone in 2009 for a sexy, unstructured style with plenty of lift on top thanks to volumising spray at the roots, and pinning at the back to make her short hair appear as LA an up-do.

• Emilia Fox `9 1 in 2010 for a low, side bun —easier to 3

Clockwise from left: Sharon, Emilia and Sarah IMAGES ( 2); G ETTY IMAGES

pull off yourself because you can see what you're doing...use a bun ring for extra oomph.

• Sarah Harding in 2011 for the "halo braid", a plait that encircled the top of her head, reminiscent of Charles's catwalk creations for Erdem. Slightly offbeat, and stunning when teamed with a bright red gown and lips for paparazzi appeal. Try some of Charles's top tips for replicating the red-carpet razzle-dazzle:

• Practise in advance. Either visit your stylist for a trial or experiment at home using different products and heated appliances.

• Having a cut or colour? Schedule for a week in advance, so results still look fresh, but have time to settle.

• Don't try an up-do on just-washed hair—it's too slippy. Day-old hair is better. If your hair's a little greasy, use dry shampoo at the roots.

• Build in foundation with rollers or tongs before dressing hair (unless you're doing a tight chignon). Even if you're not after a curly look, it gives hair body and movement.

• Always work with hair, appreciating where it wants to wave and flow—struggling against it rarely produces a finished look of natural glamour.

• Stash your bag with a mini hairspray, pins and grips, and a comb for running repairs.

HOT TIPS

Spring's always a good time to freshen up your skincare wardrobe. Here are three new releases worth checking out:

• Yves Saint Laurent Forever Youth Liberator Serum, £60, contains glycans (complex sugar molecules) to help boost youthful-looking radiance. Glides on silkily for sheeny smoothness.

• Dr Nick Lowe Super Light Skin Tone

Perfector Cream, £18.99, with its nineingredient anti-dark-spot complex, helps to even up skin tone. But don't forget to use it with a daily protective cream with at least an SPF15 (go higher in the sun, especially if you burn easily) that's also broad spectrum (shields against both UVA and UVB). This will help guard against further pigmentation, as well as UV damage.

• Estee Lauder Day Wear ESrre Anti-Oxidant BB Creme SPF35, Da Vear £32, is a multitasker. It hydrates yet inhibits DB shine, and contains antioxidants to help defend skin against free-radical damage, a broad-spectrum sunscreen, and sheer pigments with light-reflective pearls for a more even glow. Plus there's the cucumber scent, the fresh signature of the range.

APPSOLUTELY FABULOUS ftrree eft.

World perfume expert Roja Dove has just launched his new app, Scent Selector (iTunes, £2.99). Type in a perfume's name, or scan its bar code, to access his

description of over 1,000 scents (he's adding more all the time). But be aware these aren't love-or-loathe personal opinions. Dove has deliberately given each an objective précis, with an "if you liked that, you might like this" option. •

DEVIL'S DETAILS

It's easy to skip the small print, but beware the consequences

There are some people who deal in the detail, the minutiae of life —and I'm not one of them. By and large, this serves me well. But in the area of insurance, I now have to scream from the rooftops: "Read the small print!" The devil is truly in the detail. Apparently, only seven per cent of us read the terms and conditions of the online business services we sign up to. I was pleased to discover that my failings were shared by so many, but if you do suffer the downside of, say, a householdinsurance claim because the detail escaped you, all is not necessarily lost.

I was denied a recent household claim from a major high-street insurer because I hadn't specifically noted my computer on the policy as an item of value (over £1,500). While there was a clause in the small print requiring that, there was also a headline banner in the covering letter that said all computer equipment was covered up to £3,000. The policy appeared to be equivocal

on the issue, but the consultants were not, seeming to bat such claims away as a matter of course. My advice is: don't accept no for an answer—and complain. That's what I did, until they agreed to cover the replacement value of my computer. Wherever there's significant ambiguity, consumer law says that the customer can have the benefit of the doubt, although that's not how insurers always see it. So please remind them, and challenge adverse decisions on claims.

If you're still not happy, go to the Financial Ombudsman Service, which will adjudicate on the matter independently. But do review all your insurance policies regularly for the small print. Regrets can be very expensive if you don't.

IF YOU DON'T ASK...

Donal answers your questions. Please email queries to ,xcerpts readers ligest. o.uk

QI've spent my fair share of time at Irish country fairs, where haggling is part of the etiquette. In these recessionary times, is it possible to use such noble tactics in a big supermarket?

deal, however much you're tempted.

Q

Do II

Ma lyre isa inv tigative Jour alist and i former Pres mter of ITV's London Tonight

A Although at first glance you'd think not, in fact a large degree of discretion is given to store managers on a wide range of issues, from returns to shop-soiled goods. Many of the stores also have a matchthe-cheapest-price policy anywhere on the high street, so go armed with your figures and prepare to enjoy the art of the deal. The customer service desk at Tesco isn't quite a Marrakesh souk, but with a little bit of imagination you can pretend. Just a note, though: is not obligatory to shake on a

If you're in a store and the assistant encourages you to buy a dress or a shirt that's beyond unflattering, can you return the goods on the basis of bad advice?

A

If you were buying a new TV or even a car and the salesperson exaggerated its benefits, you'd have a strong case. But in the case of persuasion and flattery, you're on your own, with no legal recourse unless the garment was damaged or flawed. If you'd hired a personal shopper and they'd advised you spectacularly badly, you'd still have to pay for the goods, but not perhaps for their services. But then, if you're costconscious, a personal shopper is one accessory you can probably do without!

DEALER CHIC...

...is set to be a key consumer dynamic. Deal hunting is now so prevalent that relationships between customers and brands will be based on gaining the approval of others for our ability to get the best deals. The currency we really seek is "perceived smartness", say trendsetting.com. There have always been deals, but our attitude to them has changed. Such ducking and diving used to be Del Boy territory—now it's almost a measure of intelligence. The buzz phrase is "deal ecosystem", with vastly extended reward schemes for every area of our lives. So yes, lots of opportunities. But a small part of me still yearns for the simplicity of Green Shield stamps... •

MONEY WITH JASMINE BIRTLES LIVE FOR FREE

The credit crunch might be biting, but you can still find easy ways to go gratis

I'm always on the lookout for a good freebie, so here are my top 16 ways to get the treats you want without ever parting with a penny. Enjoy!

Free music online. Go to musicovery. corn to listen to music for free. Choose what you listen to by mood, year or genre and the site forms a playlist for you.

41, Free money. Switch your bank to First L Direct and, as long as you meet their criteria, they'll give you £100 when you open an account. They're so confident you'll like the service they're offering you another £100 if you want to leave after a minimum of six months!

3 Free cinema. Join seefilmfirst.com and you could see films for free before they're released. Sign up for free shows. Visit bbc.co. uk/tickets and itv.com/beontv/tickets to apply for free tickets to your favourite TV shows.

"Could you turn it up a bit?"

•Free dental work. Get free treatment from dental students at a UK dental school. The British Dental Health Foundation (bda.org) has contact details of participating universities. Don't worry—there are always trained supervisors on hand to help out.

6 Free beauty parties. Host a product party and you and your friends can try out loads of free beauty goodies. Visit the Body Shop website and follow the "party at home" link for details.

7 Free haircuts. Let a student at a hairdressing college cut your hair

(there's a teacher with the student at all times). I recommend trusted hair salons such as Vidal Sassoon and Toni & Guy.

0House-swap for a free 0 holiday. All you have to do is swap your house with somebody else's for a few weeks, which I did over Christmas! Visit lovehome swap.com to get started.

9Free photo prints. Snapfish.co.uk are giving away 40 free prints if you create an account with them (also free!). After uploading your images the prints will be delivered to you within three days.

10Say no to 0870. Premium-rate numbers can cost up to ten times as much as a landline call. Saynoto0870. com has a search engine to find alternative numbers for companies that you could call using any free minutes you have with your contract. Free money for your children. If you register with online reward scheme KidStart.co.uk you get

cashback whenever you shop through them, and the money can be put into an account for your children.

4, Free mortgage advice. Li Speak to London & Country (Icplc.co.uk) for free advice about your mortgage.

13 Free courses. Learn a new skill and boost your job prospects for free. Go to bbc.co.uk/learning for free online courses on all kinds of subjects. Cashback sites. Use a cashback shopping website that pays you to buy your shopping through them. CashbackShopper.co.uk gives you £5 just for signing up. Get free meals out. Mystery shopping can bag you some fab freebies, like meals out, and even cash. I should know, I've done it! Take a look at TNSglobal.com and Gfknop.com.

16 Free Internet. Find your nearest free Wi-Fi connection using FreeHotspot. com, which pinpoints free wireless internet hotspots all over the UK.

JARGON BUSTER

Also known as "shorting". A technique used by investors who think the price of an asset, such as shares, will fall. They borrow the asset from another investor and then sell it on the open market. The aim is to buy back the asset at a lower price later on, give it back to the owner, and pocket the difference.

DID YOU KNOW?

The shortfall in UK pension funds more than quadrupled during 2011 from £6lbn at the start of the year to £277bn at the end. Before that, the record deficit was £253bn, which was reached at the end of March 2009.

MAKE MONEY

IWould you like to get into property investing with just a few thousand pounds? Then think about investing in a garage—you can buy one for under £5,000, depending on where you live, and rent it out as storage or for car parking. Here's how:

RESEARCH LOCAL GARAGES

You should spend several weeks researching your patch. It may be local, or it may be somewhere you feel will be popular with people who need to rent space.

• Local newspapers and property newspapers will give you an idea of what the numbers are for the different districts in your target area (how many car owners live in the area, for example), allowing you to focus on the areas where there is sufficient demand.

• See for yourself—go and see the garages that are available and how

much is being asked for them, both to rent and buy.

• Visit local letting and estate agents and find out where there is demand for parking facilities. They should know where there are residents who would be prepared to pay for parking.

• Do internet searches to find out which garages are for sale or rent, and the prices, as well as what competition you face.

• Contact your local council and find out what garages they have for sale or rent.

BE PREPARED FOR THE FUTURE

Once you've discovered the market rate for buying and renting garages, find out from the council what developments are being planned—transport, housing, amenities, and anything else that might bring about a change in demand (for better or worse).

BID FOR GARAGES

Garages are often sold in commercial property auctions, so sign up to a

few companies, such as Savills and Barnard Marcus, that regularly hold these events. They're also offered in publications like Exchange and Mart, your local free papers, and on websites like gumtree.com.

WHERE TO ADVERTISE YOUR GARAGE

Once you've bought your garage, make sure it has a proper lock, is clean and completely empty. Establish the going rate for renting out space like this in your area, then put it on one of the car-parking websites, such as ParkatmyHouse.

corn, or your local version of gumtree.com, and in local papers. Put postcard ads in your local newsagents, supermarkets, library, and anywhere that will accept these kinds of ads.

THE ONE THING THIS MONTH...

...is invest your ISA allocation. You have until April 5 to make the most of the potential tax savings. You can put in up to £10,680 this tax year in an ISA-wrapped investment— either the full amount in a stocks-andshares ISA, or half in a cash ISA, and the rest in stocks and shares.

I always invest in stocks-and-shares ISAs because I see these as a supplement to my pension. Long term, the stock market has outperformed cash investments, so if you're planning on using your ISA as I do—for long-term

investing—you should be better off with a stocks-andshares one. Personally, I tend to put my money in index-tracking funds each year. They're cheap and easy to do. Also, you can get them "pre-wrapped" in an ISA. Companies like Legal & General, Fidelity, Scottish Widows, M&G, Virgin and HSBC all offer index-tracking funds. Go to readersdigest. co.uk/magazine to find out how to choose the right ISA for you.

THIS MONTH'S

Get 10% free on theatre tokens! Treat yourself and your family to a night out at the theatre using theatre tokens. You can see a show at more than 240 theatres nationwide, including all of London's West End.

And if you use our special code, you'll get 10% off. All you have to do is call 0844 887 7878 to buy your tokens and quote DIGEST10, or go to theatretokens. com and enter this code. Offer lasts until March 31, 2012. ■

Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

FOOD WITH MARCO PIERRE WHITE

SINGING BASS

Don't Worry, Be Happy: here's a dish to lift your mood

Sea bass has become a posh fish—and, sadly, has also become expensive. But don't let the price put you off—the flavours here will give you a real lift (besides, you can always replace the bass with a slightly cheaper white fish such as sea bream).

As I get older, I'm more aware of how food changes my moods. I thrive on protein and I think that's why the Japanese seem so level-headed. They skip heavy carbohydrates and so avoid the big ups and downs that come with them. All that raw fish keeps the Japanese lean, whereas we eat more stodge—and it shows. Ginger—something else the Japanese like—is a great mood enhancer that's guaranteed to put a spring in your step, and when combined with coriander, as it is here, the result is positively exhilarating. Food scientists know more about these things than I do, but the old adage "we are what we eat" has a lot of truth in it.

So if, like me, you want to live a little healthier this spring, then eat more fish. Don't fry it, but wrap it in tinfoil instead, with all sorts of goodies—this is a dish definitely worth experimenting with.

Marco Pierre White, the "godfather" of modern British cooking, is a restaurateur and TV personality

ASIAN-STYLE SEA BASS

(SERVES 4)

2 sea bass, around 1kg per fish

Extra-virgin oil

2 dessert spoons of white wine

2 pieces of fresh ginger, peeled and finely sliced into matchsticks

4 spring onions, finely sliced lengthways

Fresh herbs to garnish (coriander works well).

1.Preheat the oven to 190C/375F/ Gas Mark 5.

2. Lay out a sheet of tinfoil twice the size of the fish and rub a teaspoon of olive oil over it to stop the fish from sticking.

3. Place the sea bass into the centre of the foil and pour over the wine. Fold the foil

and scrunch in the edges to contain the juices in a boat shape.

4. Place the foiled fish in a roasting tin and cook over a medium heat on the hob for a couple of minutes. Transfer straight to the oven and bake for 15-17 minutes.

5. Pop the ginger matchsticks into a pan of boiling water for a couple of minutes. Remove the ginger, then pour the hot water over the spring onions— just to soften them. Refresh the ginger by holding it under cold water for a few seconds.

6. Remove the foiled fish from the oven and carefully open at the table. Garnish with the ginger, spring onions and herbs before serving. ■

DRINK WITH NIGEL BARDEN

CIDER CONQUEST

The man who took on the bureaucrats to protect Somerset's cider brandy

It's one thing to have produced award-winning cider and brandy for 30 years, but quite another to have taken on the EU bureaucrats (and a few over-protective distillers) and won. So hats off to founding father

Julian Temperley (pictured) for ensuring that Somerset Cider Brandy has its own Protected Geographical Indication (PGI). It now stands alongside British PGI stalwarts such as Melton Mowbray Pork Pies, Newcastle Brown Ale and Cornish Pasties.

Father of fashion designer Alice Temperley, Julian has celebrated the end of a fouryear-long battle in Brussels by asking Damien Hirst to design a label for his 20-year-old Somerset Cider Brandy (right).

Ever the enterprising Caractacus Potts of the apple world, Julian purloined some oak casks seen floating near the grounded cargo ship Napoli en route to South Africa, and filled them with wine. Shipwreck Single Cask ten-year-old Cider Brandy is the result.

Kingston Black, Stoke Red, Dabinett and Harry Masters are just some of the 40 different vintage cider blends grown in the 150 acres of Temperley \ orchards, resulting in 1,000 tons of apples being pressed annually. Although cider has been produced at Burrow Hill for knocking on two centuries, it wasn't until 1989 that Mr T was awarded a cider distilling licence by HM Customs—his spirit stills, Fifi and Josephine, have been busy ever since.

To visit Pass Vale Farm, home of the Somerset Brandy Co, or to buy its cider, brandy and juices, go to ciderbrandy.co.uk

The man behind Green & Black's chocolate, Craig Sams, wanted to enjoy a healthy non-alcoholic drink at parties—so he came up with organic cola Gusto. Sweetened by apple juice, the ingredients include ginseng, angelica and guarana. It tastes good, isn't over-sweet and gives you a lift during the 3pm doldrums. Delicious with ice and a shot of rum, too. From £1.70; drinkgusto.com ■

Nigel Barden is the food and drink presenter on Simon Mayo's show on BBC Radio 2, and chairman of the Great Taste Awards

A SHORT SPRAY

What's the best way to soft soap your plants?

Ols a "soft soap" insecticide spray the same as washing-up liquid or a bar of soap— and does it work?

e oft soaps, 4iglthough similar, are not the same as our usual toiletry soaps. They were the original soaps made from fat and ashes. Oldfashioned soap flakes and saddle soap are similar, but washing-up liquid is a much strongeracting detergent.

None of these is legally approved for use on plants. For an effective insecticide, get one of the modern specially formulated soft soaps from a garden centre. These work better anyway— the spray coats small pests with a film of soap, which suffocates them and prevents the smaller ones moving around, but doesn't kill the larger insects so readily. Using such a spray does more harm to pests while sparing most predators.

SHRUB-U-LIKE

I want some tough, reliable thorny shrubs that won't get too big as I want to plant them outside my groundfloor windows. Any suggestions?

eliabi you eyuccas wTi j. zzr front garden

I get your drift—though bear in mind that doing this may also make maintenance and window cleaning more difficult. Roses would be good, but they have to be kept pruned to keep them low enough. Poncirus trifoliata is a slow-growing, though eventually large, shrub that can be cut back if ever too big. Out of leaf

it's architectural, with strangely beautiful "green plastic" stems covered with huge thorns. Yuccas are not strictly shrubs, but they do come with clusters of very sharp pointed leaves and are good choices for dry spots. And if you fancy something really different, why not try rampant gooseberry bushes—using gauntlets, you might even pick some!

MAKING THE CUT

I took a cutting from a photinia bush that's about eight feet tall and ten years old. But instead of producing leaves, it produced two bunches of white flowers (the bush I took it from has never produced flowers). After the flowers died I thought the leaves would come, but more bunches of flowers appeared. I've looked in shrub books and the plants have all got flowers at the side of them except the photinia. It seems very odd! A Photinias are small trees and shrubs AMfrom Asia that are used to warmer conditions. They only do well in acid, or at least non-chalky, soils, and even then tend not to flower much unless in a fairly warm, sunny situation—so most species are commonly grown for their foliage and not for their flowers. (Red Robin is a fine example.) Your cutting producing flowers rather than leaves is not necessarily a good thing, and is likely to result from severe stress. (I suspect it may not have "struck" very well and is flowering in a last attempt to set seed.) If you leave the cutting in place and remove the flowers to prevent it setting seed, it may yet leaf.

Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time. Send your gardening questions to Bob at excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

BOB'S JOBS: MARCH

Cut your grass soon further). Get that and often from now veg plot ready on, but never too and start parsnips, close. Get rid of peas, brassicas, any over-wintering carrots, leeks and weeds and spread onions. Plant early thick mulch around potatoes under as much as possible cloches or on a to save water and warm site. And help suppress sow night-scented weeds (put wet stocks and sweet newspaper down peas for their first and it'll go summer fragrance.

READER'S TIP

Email your gardening tips and ideas— with photos, if possible—to excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk. We'll pay £70 if we use them on this page. To give definition to your herb patch, place an old ladder flat on the ground and plant different varieties in the spaces between the rungs. You'll then have a series of small, easy-totend plots. ■

Submitted by Gloria Wilding, Merseyside

WILDLIFE WITH MARTIN HUGHES-GAMES

FEATHERED FIEND?

There's lots to love about bullfinches—despite their greedy habits

It's one of our most glorious birds, but I confess that seeing bullfinches in the garden makes me slightly nervous. Last year there were six on my apple tree feeding on the buds—buds I'd hoped might produce blossom followed by delicious apple pie!

Bullfinches are voracious bud-eaters, able to get through around 30 a minute (in Elizabethan times there was a bounty of a penny a head on the "bulfynche"), although commercial fruit trees can actually lose up to 50 per cent of their

buds without it affecting the overall harvest. At least the bullfinch mainly eats wild seeds, dock, nettle, brambles and especially . ash, so we can revel in O. the striking pink, black and grey of this lovely bird without worrying too much about our fruit trees.

Bullfinches' song is a rather sad, simple affair, but they are excellent mimics—caged birds were trained to sing in Victorian times with a special "bird-organ" or serinette. A bird-organ would be a proper challenge for the Antiques Road Show!

MOTHER OF INVENTION

I bet you'll see your first butterfly of the year this month —usually a Small Tortoiseshell, Peacock or sulphur-yellow a Brimstone, all of which hibernate through the winter as adults in s ds and outhouses. Or maybe an Orange-tip, one of the first to hatch. The exotic Silver-washed Fritillary (pictured left) also around in late March. The female lays eggs at the base E7 0 of a tree in summer, which hatch into caterpillars after 15 days or so, and promptly go into hibernation in the bark. Around T now, the caterpillars wake up, crawl away from the tree and start to feed on their favourite plant, the If you're a ild violet. How do they know it's there? wildlife lover, ause mum flew to and fro, carefully why not check out RD's new book Wild Britain? See page 6 for more, or go to our online shop measuring the distance from the tree to the nearest violets, and only laying eggs when sure the violets would be within crawling distance of her offspring. Amazing!

March is a busy time for our squirrels. The females, snug in their nests ("dreys") high up in trees, give birth on carefully prepared beds of soft moss and dry grass. The babies ("kittens") like the one shown here weigh only 10g, and are naked and defenceless. It takes three weeks for them to grow a full covering of fur and four weeks for their eyes to open, so they're completely dependent on mum in the meantime. The female continues to look after her young even after they leave the drey in May, but the male is shamefully remiss in his parental duties, leaving the whole thing to his partner.

In 1921, natural-history author Edward Step wrote, "In some places in London a light grey squirrel may be seen and thought to be a colour variation of our native species. It's really an American visitor." A grey squirrel was a rare sight less than 100 years ago, but there are now thought to be some three million, compared with just 160,000 reds. The greys originate from deliberate introductions between 1876 and 1929—back then, people just thought the squirrels decorative, and didn't understand the effects of introducing invasive species. By 1931, an "anti-grey squirrel" campaign was launched, with the government paying a shilling per tail. It was too late, of course. ■

Martin

HughesGames is a host of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumnwatch

SAFE SURFING

Worried about your privacy online? Here's how to protect yourself

A crazy fact for you— ten years ago, scams called "419" were Nigeria's fourth-largest industry. People have long promised riches in exchange for personal info, but the scammers have been as quick as any other industry to use technology to hit more people faster.

Almost all of us will have received one of these fake emails—known as "phishing". Cybercrime costs a whopping £27bn a year in the UK, and 19 people are victims every minute. With these kinds of figures, it goes without saying that we should continue to take our online safety seriously.

Fortunately, phone companies and consumer watchdogs are rapidly developing education campaigns to keep pace and help you wise up to these hoaxes.

Give an hour of your time to help an internet beginner. Go to go-on.co.uk for information.

Or to find an internet taster session near you, call freephone 0800 77 1234.

Google and the Citizens Advice Bureau recently brought out simple precautionary advice under their "Good to Know" campaign. Google.co.uk/goodtoknow will teach you how to keep your personal information private.

Saferinternet.org.uk has heaps of practical tips to help you and your family stay safe. Why not take the Internet Safety IQ quiz?

There's lots of information out there, but here are a few simple measures to keep in mind when online:

44: Dodgy content

Use common sense, but some extra support is always reassuring if you've got children. The "Click Clever, Click Safe" code encourages kids to zip, block or flag content they're not sure about. Keep private stuff private; be

sensible replying to unsolicited emails; and if you see something upsetting, tell someone you trust. Go to direct.gov. uk/clickclever clicksafe for more.

What is secure?

Secure sites will start with https:// (the "s" indicating that it's safe). It can be difficult to tell a "good" website from a "bad" one, but trust your instincts. If you're unsure, go for those you recognise.

Social networking

This isn't just for kids-50% of users are over 35, and it's hugely important to protect your privacy. On Facebook, for example, the average person has 130 "friends" who are all able to flick through your pics, read the latest on your likes and loves, and— if you're not careful—access information that could land you in hot water. While it's tempting to accept "friends" on the premise of reconnecting with a blast from the past, choose them carefully. Check your privacy settings and head to facebook.com/ safety for advice.

Security for your computer

You may have security built in to your network, so check with your broadband provider —TalkTalk's HomeSafe, for example, allows parents to block access to adult content and provides control over the use of social media and gaming sites, as well as alerting you to viruses. If you haven't got security, find a good anti-virus protection programme and make sure your firewall is turned on. But don't let fears about safety hold you back from getting the best from the web in terms of jobs, savings, chatting, dating and more. When it comes to online safety there's always a slight risk, but, as in the real world, use your head. Follow the simple tricks here and you should be OK.

CLICK ON

BBC.co.uk/give anhour has heaps of info and advice to help you get someone else started safely.

Getsafeonline.org features films on everything from creating a tip-top password—the best include letters and numbers—to avoiding "rogue" phone apps. Go-on.co.uk does a great short course covering things like computer and email security and online shopping.

Kids? Try Childnet's kidsmart.org.uk for young children, thinkyouknow.co. uk or digizen.org for teens. ■

Martha Lane Fox is the UK's digital champion and founder of race J online2012.org

MOTORING WITH CONOR McNICHOLAS

TIME TRAVEL

Next time you hit the road, spare a thought for its history

Criss-crossed with tracks that reflect trade, security or pilgrimage, Britain can trace its story through its roads.

Many of these historical routes are now under Tarmac, but their significance remains. Even your daily route might be one that's been traced for thousands of years and holds a unique story.

Take the A5 that runs from Marble Arch in central London right up to Holyhead in North Wales. It was created in the early 1800s when the unification of Britain and Ireland meant that better links and mail routes to Dublin were needed.

British engineer Thomas Telford plotted the route along the much older Anglo( Saxon track Watling Street— itself based on the Roman route "Iter II", which is why, for its first leg out of London, the A5 runs arrow-straight up to Elstree in classic Roman style. Another great Roman road was Ermine Street, Iq r lig Prtit

Straight up: the A5 at Edgware Road, London, follows an old Roman road

which linked London and York. Whether you're driving down Shoreditch High Street in London, on the A15 from Lincoln to the Humber Estuary, or up the A10 to Cambridge, you're tracing one of Roman Britain's major arteries.

But some roads are far more ancient than those built by the Romans. These prehistoric trackways fascinate me as they were travelled on by some of the first people to set foot on these shores. Take the Icknield Way from the South West to East Anglia through the Chilterns. It's now just a back road—but was once one of the major arteries of Iron Age Britain.

In the age of satnav we hardly ever plot a route and so lose the joy of mapping. But take a minute to pick out an arrow-straight line of a Roman road, or a distinctive Anglo-Saxon name, and you could find yourself tracing ancient history.

ONE TO BUY

Hyundai Veloster GX (07,995) I thought the Veloster was all about its quirky three-door arrangement (one for the driver; two on the passenger side!), but it's much more than that. Sparkling looks inside and out, bulletproof build and surprisingly practical, it's a cracking car. Could do with a bit more poke, but a turbo version's out later in the year. I'd have one over a Mini any day.

PECULIAR PRODUCT

Car companies often put their name to tenuously related products. There's Porsche's new super-light bikes, and Ferraribranded laptops.

Weirder still is Land Rover's own fairtrade coffee—

2E- Citroen DS5 HDi (U7,400) u , Yes, I'm slightly obsessed with Citroen's high-end DS line-up, > `" having now featured all three ' a cars on these pages, but here's another stormer. This is a sizeable family car that majors on glamour with dramatic, heavily chromed styling outside. Top Gear S' magazine has already named it "Family Car of the Year", with a nod to those who like things a bit different. I heartily agree.

ONE TO REAM sOkBOUT ONE TO SPOT

Chevrolet Camaro (£34,995) Sometimes dreams are closer than you think. This chunk of modern-day Yank muscle delivers supercar-bothering pace with sub-BMW cost. Sure, its interior has more plastic than a McDonald's Happy 1 Meal, but the V8 rumble will stir your sexy bits, and its looks will make you feel like you're in a sci-fi blockbuster. A lot of drama for the money.

a nod to the Defender models used on steep plantation hillsides. Most bizarre?

Nissan's recent scratch-resistant iPhone case—it uses the same self-healing paint available on some of their UK models, such as the 370Z, to keep your smartphone looking trim. No waxing and buffing required... •

Conor McNicholas is the former editor of BBC Top Gear Magazine

MY GREAT ESCAPE

I know what heaven looks like: lean blue-black limbs, perfect white teeth and a smooth, handsome face. "Hello, my name is Heaven, welcome to my country."

Heaven steers our mokoro canoe, parting the reeds of the Okavango Delta, and calls out to the other guides in his melodic voice.

I lie back and settle into a dream-like state, watching bright dragonflies dance above the water, my fingers brushing cream water lilies as we glide by. We arrive late afternoon at our campsite and pitch tents in a shady clearing. I'm on a ten-day camping tour of the Okavango Delta and Chobe Waterways in Botswana.

After a stifling night I crawl out of my tent. It's only 5am, but Heaven is already up, cooking freshly caught bream. After breakfast he allows us a brief swim in the cool delta water. We splash about happily, until he mentions the crocodiles...

Heaven takes us bushwalking. We trail single file behind him as he walks

barefoot through the long grass and spiny acacia thickets.

I struggle to keep up in the heat. Heaven points out giraffes on the horizon that I can barely make out with binoculars. Upwind, two bull elephants are pulling ripe pods from a marula tree. At a large pool surrounded by papyrus, he makes strange grunts—and a hippo surfaces, ears first. Heaven calls the hippo

A FLOATING FEELING

Acacia Africa (acacia-africa.com) has a ten-day Delta & Chobe Waterways tour from £825pp + local payment from £253pp, incl transport, camping accommodation, most meals and tour leader/driver. Excludes return flight.

Sarah Owens from Falmouth says you can't beat a safari in Botswana

Sarah (inset) found , Heaven in the Okavango Delta

until it's less than 30 feet away. It watches us click our cameras before losing interest and submerging. We just get back to camp as a storm hits, so we sit around the fire under tarpaulin shelters while Heaven tells us tales of his ancestors. He's never travelled outside the delta or been to school. I ask him about his dreams and where he'd like to go. "I live my dreams every day," he says softly. "Why would I want to go anywhere else?" It was a privilege to meet him.

Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we'll pay you £70. See address on page 4.

TRAVEL WEBSITE

Silk slippers from The Titanic* BOOK NOW

Raise a glass of ruby to Grape Escapes, which from this month has expanded its trips to include short breaks to Porto, the home of port. Two- or three-night breaks include guided tours of two wine lodges, port-tasting with lunch, a river cruise on the Douro, and a five-course dinner at the Bolsa Palace. From £243 for a two-night break, including b&b, all tours and featured meals (08456 430 860; grapeescapes.net).

London's National Maritime Museum marks the centenary of what they politely call The Titanic's "maiden voyage", with a commemorative exhibition based around a collection bequeathed to them by Walter Lord, who wrote A Night to Remember (later a film). During his research he gathered poignant letters, photos and personal objects that tell survivors' stories. Catch these artefacts on display until the end of September (nmm.ac.uk).

Great Rail Journeys has introduced an events brochure, taking you to carnivals, musical occasions—even the Edinburgh Tattoo. One trip that caught my eye is the World Horticultural Expo, Floriade. Held every ten years in Holland, it's the world's biggest flower/produce show. GRJ's tour is available April 5-May 17—£675 for return rail travel, four nights' accommodation, green-fingered tours, plus a day at Floriade 2012 (greatrail.com).

-ampinmygarden.com One to watch for 2012, this innovative website hosts free listings of homeowners prepared to welcome campers into their gardens—aka micro-campsites. Most listings come from the UK, with a smattering of sites on the Continent, and pitches available as far away as New Zealand. Search by location and/or facilities. With so many people in London this summer, it's an affordable idea for Olympics ticketholders. ■

Unfor3ettable Mew Ideas

Polyxena

A Story of Troy H.Allenger

ISBN soft

9781440154706

ISBN hard

9781440154720

www.iuniverse.com

In her own words, Polyxena, daughter of King Priam of Troy relates a story of forbidden love leading to her sacrifice by Achilles's son, Neoptolemus. In this moving story of an illfated romance, a young woman comes to a surprising and satisfying conclusion about the life she has lived.

Co-Existing Kingsley A. Ndukwe

ISBN soft

9781456774493

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Co-Existing replaces the notion that sees the cat and the dog as the odd couple. Kingsley A. Ndukwe brings hope and assures readers cats and dogs can live harmoniously in the same home under the right conditions, offering the respite which millions of pet owners and animal lovers need.

When Death Does Not Part

Hugo Van Bever

ISBN soft

9781456788001

ISBN hard

9781456787998

www.authorhouse.co.uk

After ten years at a psychiatric institute, Thomas, a fifty-yearold teacher, returns to Florence in search of the truth. What if he is unable to accept the truth and its horrifying implications?

Swimming With Frogs In Post Coup Thailand

Charles Bonel

ISBN soft

9781456781934

www.authorhouse.co.uk

In Swimmingwith Frogs in Post Coup Thailand by Charles Bonel, Veteran Spanish Diplomat retires to live Thailand, suffering violent public outbursts surrounding the deposed populist Prime Minister. He is hounded by a neighborfrom-hell and his Thai wife — the dark and greedy side of the Thai character.

The Road to Competition in the Building Improvement Industry

Dr. Karl Myrsten

ISBN soft

9781456784522

www.authorhouse.co.uk

Explore the mysterious price mechanisms that drive the expansion of market economies. Offering a strategy for implementing a comprehensive new approach in large systems that lack effective leadership through practical everyday solutions, this book tackles the difficult problem of changing an industry that lacks an effective market.

Voyage in Destiny - part three

From the analysis of specific ancient discoveries, a message for the survival of mankind

Francesco Alessandrini

ISBN soft

9781467000932

www.authorhouse.co.uk

A completely new analysis of the Zodiac of Dendera, the Sumerian prism of Weld Blundell and a mysterious stone structure near the Titicaca Lake aims to unveil a true knowledge normally hidden from man's eyes.

MARCH FICTION REVIEWED BY A N WILSON

EXTRACTS FROM OUR FAVOURITE NEW RELEASES

THE COMPLE

ANTARCTICA AND GIRLS AND PONIES: A TRUE LOVr AFFAIR

BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE: SUE TOWNSEND

March fiction

The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year

by Sue Townsend

(Michael Joseph, £18.99)

This is the saddest, funniest Sue Townsend book to date. It's also the best. Fifty-year-old Eva has been married to a nerd called Brian for 20 years, and has had enough. ("Poor Brian, in the football league of lovers, he's Accrington Stanley.") She decides not to run away, but to go to bed...

W011aN WHO WENT To BED VoR A yz,AR ii' ka V

A N Wilson finds three old hands and a first-timer all on cracking form

Since this is Townsend's Leicester, strange things soon start to happen. The ex-City slicker who comes to paint Eva's room falls in love with her. Her face appears on a chapati and a cult grows around her. Yet, every page is steeped in Townsend's tragic sense as well as her gift for farce, with disillusionment dripping from the prose like autumn condensation. Townsend has done for Leicester what Philip Larkin did for Hull, and made its sorrows darkly hilarious. (Read Sue Townsend's "Books That Changed My Life" on page 147.) Capital by John Lanchester (Faber, £17.99)

Don't be put off by the fact that John Lanchester's new novel is a whopper of 600

CLASSICS CORNER: THE GRAPES OF WRATH

As Mother's Day approaches, Freudians might want to ponder why literature's most memorable mums tend to be either cloying or monstrous. John Steinbeck's Ma Joad (played by Jane Darwell in the 1940 film, pictured right) is neither, as she

pages. You'll romp through it, as the inhabitants of Pepys Road, south London, have their secrets revealed by a master of Hitchcockian surprise. The result is a Bonfire of the Vanities for our age, with an odious banker and his greedy wife the protagonists whose downfall will make the book a comfort read for many.

Packed with satirical insights into the way we live now, and filled with brilliantly observed scenes, this modern morality tale

does her best to steer her family through its many troubles. Steinbeck's social message is never hard to spot, but luckily it's wrapped up in an epic story, where as he once put it, "I've done my damndest to rip a reader's nerves to rags."

will undoubtedly be one to watch for the 2012 Man Booker Prize.

The Man Who Forgot His Wife

by John O'Farrell (Doubleday,

£14.99)

Vaughan is sitting on an Underground train when his memory completely disappears. He doesn't know who he is, what his job is, whether he's married. Then, as his friend Gary conducts him round his old haunts, he sees a beautiful redhead and falls passionately in love. Days later, he finds himself in court with the same woman—and apparently

QUICK QUIZ

they're in the middle of a painful divorce.

This is a brilliant plot, and John O'Farrell works it out with great panache and many scenes that made me laugh out loud. But the book is touching as well as funny, and anyone who's tried to sustain a long-term relationship will hear resonances—even if they've never experienced total amnesia.

The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry

by Rachel Joyce (Doubleday, £12.99)

Rachel Joyce's first novel is pure enchantment from first page to last. Harold Fry, who appears to be an entirely nondescript retired sales rep, receives a letter from Queenie, an excolleague now in Berwickupon-Tweed. She is, she tells him, dying of cancer. Harold writes a perfunctory reply, leaves his wife in their Dorset house and sets

UNLIKELY PILGRIMAGE of ! HAROLD FRY

out to post it. But then, realising it's a poor letter, he decides to walk the hundreds of miles to Berwick instead. As he does, we discover the achingly sad burden of grief for a dead son and a wrecked marriage that he's carrying.

Harold's walk is an act of faith—not in God, or even especially in Queenie, but in...well, Life, I suppose, and in Love. Before he set off, Harold's own life had no meaning. By the end, it does. The book is a formidable achievement in unpretentious garb. No wonder nearly 30 foreign publishers have already snapped it up.

Who is the speaker's drinking buddy here—the subject of a biography out in paperback this month? (Clue: the prediction came half-true.)

"One evening, the other guests had left or dropped out of the conversation. The whisky was on the table, and we started talking about pensions. He was not exactly a financial genius, and I wondered whether he'd made any provisions for the future. He declared confidently that he was going to write a few thrillers that would make him a multimillionaire." Answer on page 142

When Polies go toast

Ever wondered what it's like actually to be in Antarctica, rather than just watching it on TV? A riveting new book has the answer, complete with the authentic local slang

11 WALK ER

Antarctica

A hundred years ago this month, Captain Scott made the famous final entry in his diary: "For God's sake look after our people." Yet, although he wrote those words well into the 20th century, Scott was—as Gabrielle Walker (pictured right) reminds us—one of the first people ever to explore the most forbidding continent on earth.

The early Antarctic expeditions are thoroughly covered in this enthralling book. But, then again, so is every other aspect of a place that continues to haunt the human imagination. We learn about everything from the wildlife to the pre-human history (did you know that in the time of the dinosaurs, Antarctica had a tropical climate?); from the climate science to the extremes of the continent's geography (as well as all that ice, Antarctica also contains some of the driest areas in the entire solar system).

Perhaps best of all, Walker gives us a fantastically vivid sense of what it's like to be in Antarctica. An experienced author, broadcaster and polar visitor, she begins in the comparative comfort of "Mactown"—America's McMurdo base on the coast. From there, she journeys to the bases of several other countries, where, rather to her surprise, she finds national stereotypes firmly in place. The French have waiter service and wine with dinner. The Italians wear the most beautifully tailored snow suits on the continent. And all the time she speaks to a memorable range of grizzled old Antarctic hands with stories to tell.

As it turns out, there's a strict, and pretty macho, hierarchy among Antarcticans. Basically, the more times you've been, the higher you rank—but to advance, you have to spend time not on the sissy coastal bases, but at the one on the South Pole. (You then become what's known as a "Polie".) To reach the very top, you need to do this in the winter, when it's night for six months.

RD EXCLUSIVE: GABRIELLE

WALKER'S TOP FIVE ANTARCTIC BOOKS

The Worst Journey in the World by Apsley Cherry-Garrard

A superb read from the heroic age of Antarctic exploration, giving an insider view of Scott's doomed race to the South Pole that is by turns funny and heartbreaking. Antarctica by Kim Stanley Robinson

A lovely, lyrical, science-fiction

And here, from the book, are some extracts about what to expect if you do.

The last plane leaves around the middle of February. When you wake up that morning, you know there is still a chance to get out of town. After the plane has gone, you know you are trapped until October. Whatever happens they're not coming to get you. They're just not...

When the darkness has fallen, and the temperatures are too cold for skidoos, the only way to get to the Dark Sector [the South Pole observatory] is to trudge. The walk takes 20 minutes, maybe half an hour, in pitch black, as winds rise to 40 knots and the temperature slips down towards minus 60°C (minus 76°F). Your breath hangs in the air as a frozen cloud of ice blocking your view...

By June, if you don't have to go outside, you probably won't. Even just a few minutes at minus 70°C (minus 94°F) isn't much fun any more. There is, however, one magic temperature you might still be waiting for. If the temperature hits minus 73.4°C you will immediately hear an announcement on the loudspeakers: 'The temperature is now minus one hundred degrees Fahrenheit.' This is your cue to go racing for the sauna. It usually only goes up to a maximum of 180°F, so you will probably have to put the -

In memoriam: Gabrielle on Observation Hill near McMurdo, with the cross erected in 1912 in tribute to the five men who died on Scott's expedition Antarctica: an Intimate Portrait of the World's Most Mysterious Continent by Gabrielle Walker is published on March 1 by Bloomsbury at £20

thermostat in some water to get it to creep up to the important (and sweltering) figure of 200°F.

You will sit there, naked, until you can hardly bear it. Then, you will leave the sauna, pull on boots and a face mask—but strictly no other clothes—and run out into the snow. If you are really hard core, you will run, naked, all the way to the pole and back. This is not recommended for the faint-hearted. In fact, it's not recommended for anyone. But if you do it, you will have experienced an instantaneous temperature change of 300°F and become a member of the legendary—and highly exclusive—'300 Club'...

One thing researchers have learned is that as the winter progresses you start to lack T3, a hormone that winterers seem to divert from the brain to the muscles. Psychologists call this phenomenon 'winter-over syndrome'. Polies call it 'going toast'. Everybody becomes at least slightly toasty in the depth of winter. The first sign is that you stop paying attention to the way you look or smell. People get a thousand-mile stare. While talking to you, they trail off in mid-sentence, without noticing. And if you're toast enough, you might not notice either. You might walk into a room repeatedly, each time forgetting why you have come. You might sit in the galley quietly crying over your plate, then leave it untouched and wander out again.

The stories of the bad ones, the ones who couldn't hack it, are legion. One year, a guy tried to ski the 1,300km back to McMurdo in the dark with just a few chocolate bars in his pocket. He made it about 15km before someone noticed he was missing and gently brought him back.

...AND THE QUICK QUIZ?

That was Stieg Larsson, author of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy, outlining his plans for literary riches—from Jan-Erik Pettersson's Stieg: From Activist to Author (Quercus, £7.99). In the event, the books did make millions, but were all published after Larsson's death from a heart attack in 2004, aged 50.

COVER STAR ADE

EDMONDSON'S 4 favourite book?

The History Man by Malcolm Bradbury.

"I've lost count of how, many times I've read this book, but it always makes me laugh. Like all the best comedy, it doesn't age...just gets better every time you open it."

account of the interaction of humans with the last great wilderness.

Big Dead Place: Inside the Strange and Menacing World of Antarctica by Nicholas Johnson Funny, but with a cynical twist, Johnson's book describes the life of a contract worker on a modern scientific base.

Terra Incognita by Sara Wheeler

A classic travelogue, wittily recounting her visits to American and British bases during the 1990s. The Ends of the Earth: an Anthology of the Finest Writing on the Arctic and Antarctic

This comes in two volumes, one for each region, but published together. The Antarctic volume, edited by Francis Spufford, has a great selection of extracts, some familiar, others delightfully strange.

I r my pony-but why?

if wishes were horses ,u

A few years ago, painted hoofprints appeared across Berlin, where Susanna Forrest now lives. This street art plunged her straight back to her horse-mad girlhood—and made her wonder about it in a new way. How did horseriding—for centuries a male preserve—became so central to so many girls' lives? What, in short, is it with girls and ponies?

By my first Christmas in 1977, there was a whole pony world out there waiting for my attention. There were shops full of pony toys; books on pony care; a host of competing magazines with 'I IP my pony' sticker sets; a canon of literature with its own classics and pulps.

Where we lived, you would pass fields never ploughed or sown, but that delivered a cash crop to the farmers—rent shelled out by pony owners who kept their heart's desire behind wood-and-wire fences, surrounded by dock, nettles and rusting oil drums and worn tyres collected for showjumps. Riding schools everywhere waited for my custom, offering ponies now bred to carry children, not to haul coal in mines. Most of those children would be girls and their teachers would be women. In ten years of riding lessons I never shared the ring with a boy.

Across Europe, North America and Australasia, millions of other little girls galloped, snorted and pawed the ground, dreaming that one birthday morning they'd wake up and there would be a pony picking at the lawn under their window. And nobody questioned this. Why? Where does it all begin?

If Wishes Were Horses sets out to answer these questions—and lots more besides—through a mix of autobiography, history and reportage. For any women who once shared Forrest's obsession, the result will be thought-provoking nostalgia; for everybody else, it's a fascinating, beautifully written social history—and one of those books that makes you suddenly interested in a subject you may never have thought much about before.

Susanna Forrest grew up near Norwich. She worked as a literary agent before spending two "weird and wonderful years" as assistant editor at the Erotic Review. She is now a freelance editor and journalist.

Happily, Forrest gives the Freudian answers short shrift: girls' love for horses is genuine and passionate—but certainly not sexual. Riding is an exhilarating (and for much of history, rare) female chance to show physical courage.

The autobiographical sections are an often funny, sometimes rueful account of her old obsession. The history begins 5,500 years ago when human beings first had the bright idea of riding horses rather than simply eating them. With the reportage, the tone turns more melancholy. These days, health and safety is taking its toll on riding schools. Elsewhere, pony accessories are the usual blizzard of pink—exactly the sort of thing from which riding used to offer such a welcome escape...

'CBut there's another phenomenon at play, too. The BBC long ago dropped live coverage of major showjumping events and no other sport where women compete against men on equal terms has risen to fill that gap. I doubt the average person could name our last Olympic medallists.

Horses gave girls a corner of the world where they could be brave and take risks

Periodically, equestrian sports find themselves shuffled into 'celebrity' territory, as when Katie Price invested in some dressage horses and announced her intention to train for the 2012 Olympics. This was greeted by quiet realpolitik in the equestrian world, whose commentators suggested the attention would be 'good for the sport'. The BBC did not add dressage to its schedules.

From time to time, equestrian sportswomen attempt to catapult themselves into the same orbit. An Olympic three-day eventer posed for a tabloid naked but for silver paint and a saddle, and it didn't appear to raise the profile of her sport one centimetre.

I had thought horses gave girls a corner of the world where they were freed from the burden of being 'girls', where they could be ambitious and brave and strong, and take risks. It seemed that even if they were all those things—and all those things wrapped in pink and sparkles—the world was no longer interested unless the sparkles were on a bikini...

When a little pony isn't little enough: the young Susanna Forrest reaches for the stars— and the stirrups

If Wishes Were Horses: a Memo, of Equine Obsession by Susanna Forrest is published on March 1 by Atlantic Books at £16.99

Who knows where they'll end up?

When you give someone a National Book Token, you are giving them a ticket for a voyage of discovery. It begins in their favourite bookshop. Who knows where it could go from there?

National Book Tokens can be bought and spent at WHSmith, Waterstone's, Blackwell, Eason,

choice John Smith and all good independent bookshops. Begin the journey at nationalbooktokens.com

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Books that Changed my Life

Novelist and playwright Sue Townsend is best known for her Adrian Mole books, which have sold over eight million copies and been adapted for radio, TV and theatre. Her latest novel, The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year*, is out on March 1 (Michael Joseph, £18.99).

William—The Outlaw

by Richmal Crompton

I was afraid of my primary-school teacher because, when we had to read out loud, she'd slap our legs if we got a word wrong. As a result I didn't learn to read until I was eight, when I stayed at home ill for three weeks. My mum brought a pile of Just William books home from a rummage sale and I taught myself to read with William—The Outlaw.

Apart from his social class (I used to wonder why he had a gardener and a maid), and the fact that he broke into houses and committed burglary (he'd be in a secure unit nowadays), William and I lived much the same life. Like him, I'd roam the countryside until dark with my friends, doing all sorts of dangerous things that my parents never knew about.

IDIOT

by Kingsley Amis

This is one of the funniest

MY RI Lucky books ever written, and I've read it again and again. If I ever need reminding about punctuation or perfect phraseology, I turn to Lucky Jim. Amis wrote with such style. I can quote great passages by heart and often make conscious references to the book in my own writing. For instance, Jim has to go to a madrigalsinging weekend at Professor Welch's—I forced Adrian Mole to go and listen to madrigals, too.

I was lucky enough to meet Amis once and I found him incredibly easy to get on with. He did a wonderful impression of a motorbike being fired up on a frosty morning.

The Idiot by 1-yo0or Dostoevsky

Once I started to read, I never looked back. By 13, I'd worked my way through a lot of the classics (I'd buy them cheaply at Leicester market), but this was the one that changed how I saw the world. I hadn't thought of people in terms of dual personalities before—the reader both despises and loves Myshkin, because he's simultaneously good and bad. I stopped looking at the world in black and white and understood that it was immensely complex. •

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Beat the Puzzleman!

The Puzzleman does these five questions it his sleep...well, in 20 minutes, anyway. But can you improve on his performance?

1 Here's an unusual safe. Each of the buttons must be pressed once only in the correct order to reach the centre X and open the safe. The number of moves and direction to move is marked on each button. Which button is the first you must press?

3 Rearrange the letters of MAKES A TOUCH QUIRKIER to give three colours. What are they?

4 What number should replace the question mark?

2 Fill in the missing words so that a chain is formed, with each word suffixing the previous word and prefixing the following word. What are the missing words?

5 A car and a coach set off from the same point, at the same time, to travel the same journey of 190 miles. If the car travels at 50mph and the coach travels at 40mph, how many minutes' difference will there be in the arrival times?

So how did you score? A point for every correct answer

Here's the Puzzleman's verdict:

0-2 "A can of flat Coke. Not what I ordered!"

3-4 "A decent glass of wine. Shame it's not the whole bottle."

5 "Guinness and champagne—St Patrick's Day with class!"

The first correct answer we pick on March 1 wins £50!*

Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk

Find a word to fit the first clue, then add one letter to give a word to fit the second clue. What are the words?

GLOOMY SMALL BOAT

(answer will be published in the April issue)

Answer to February's question: Aster, forsythia and gerbera

And the winner is... Stephen Purser from Leicester

The small print

• Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader's Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

TEST-YOUR-KNOWLEDGE CROSSWORD

Laugh!

WIN £70 FOR EVERY READER'S JOKE WE PUBLISH. EMAIL EXCERPTS@ READERSDIGEST.CO.UK OR GO TO FACEBOOK.COM/READERSDIGESTUK

1 My wife just called. She said, "The two kids want you to take them out bowling at the weekend. Then they want you to take them to the cinema."

"It's either one or the other," I replied, "or it's too expensive."

"OK," she replied. "Which one do cC

I said, "Michael." 11" viD4111) /11.1 you prefer?"

A WIFE ASKS HER HUSBAND, "COULD YOU GO

Seen or \10 ,..t1421-• to the shop for me and buy one carton of milk

I A man walks through the Olympic Village carrying a long pole. A reporter approaches him and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

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Grahame Jones, East London

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A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy so much milk?"

He replies, "They had eggs." Andre Harkin, Derry

I Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

I I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses. US comedian Tim Seidell

A man is lying ill in bed, his tearful wife alongside him.

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I sent off for a hearing aid, and I haven't heard a thing since Hugh Joseph, Lelant, Cornwall

there beside me?" His wife nods tearfully.

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His wife sobs quietly.

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His wife dabs away the tears.

"You know what?" he says, "I think you bring me bad luck."

Stephen Gee, Chippenham

Sunday's luxury is doing nothing while you think about all of the things you'll never get done T witter personality Keiiy uxloro'

LITTLE EPIPHANIES

# 11: Cover star Ade Edmondson's favourite joke: "Why did Tigger stick his head down the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh." Tell that to any four-year-old and they'll laugh themselves silly!

Comedian Alun Cochrane inhabits a daydreamy world of surreal realisations and whimsy. This is his monthly moment of revelation

I was saddened to hear, at the end of last year, that they'd finished painting the Forth rail bridge in Scotland. It'd been famous as a job so time-consuming that, when they finished it at one end, they had to go back and start again at the other. It used to be my go-to cliché for long, boring tasks in my own home. "Oh God, sanding this door is like painting the Forth Bridge," but now I must add, "before late 2011 when they completed it due to the invention of some long-lasting rust-proof paint, or something..."

Not that I do DIY—I actually prefer WAIYUMS: Work Around It Yourself Using Makeshift Solutions. I just opened my living room curtains—by hand. There's a pulley device thing, but it's stopped working and we can't seem to fix it. So now we just reach over and yank them open or closed. One kitchen unit lost a handle earlier this year—after failing to mend it, we started opening the door by grabbing the bottom corner, and now we don't even notice we're doing it every time.

Are these the jobs handymen want when they say, "No job too small"? I've always wanted to book one of these people, give them a microscope and say, "OK, I'd like the protons separated from the neutrons—see you at lunch."

CHEESY JOKES GAGS TO MAKE YOUR DAD PROUD

41 Somebody threw a block of cheddar at me today. I thought, Oh, that's mature.

Q: Why was the cheesemonger walking strangely?

A: Because he only had one stilt on.

1 Did you hear about the man who painted his wife twice? He Double Gloucester!

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1 A tornado completely destroyed all the cheese factories in France. All that was left was debris.

0: What cheese would you use to hide a horse?

A: Mask-a-pony.

1 I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet, "Best before end..." Comedian Tim Vine

Q: What cheese do you use to lure a bear from a cave? Al Camembert.

0 What's the cheesiest Beatles song?

A: She loves Gruyere, yeah, yeah...

0: What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror?

A: Hallou-mi!

0: How do you handle an angry Welsh cheese?

A: Caerphilly.

0: What happened to the cheese that ate, and ate, and ate?

A: It got feta.

SHOE-LY THEY'RE NOT FOR WEARING...? Israeli shoe designer Kobi Levi puts his weird and wonderful creations on his blog, kobilevidesign.blogspot.com

1 My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because I wrote the Facebook status, "I'm getting a divorce," and he was the first one to click, "Like".

US comedian Giulia Rozzi

1 0: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers. Seen at jokesbest.com

1 If it rained at school, we had to stay in at break for "wetplay". And, if it was cold, we had to stay in and listen to this really dull band...

Comedian Milton Jones, by Twitter

1 0: How do you make a pirate angry?

A: Take the "p" out of him. Seen on the internet

1 Having tried to get through to TalkTalk most of the morning, I suggest they relaunch themselves as HoldHold.

Comedian Jack Dee, by Twitter

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Josh Widdicombe

BEST JOKE YOU'VE WRITTEN?

There's a section in my show about a break-up. Now, I'm not saying I'm bitter, but I feel the joke that most sums it up is: "People say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But that's not true, because that's not how losing things works. When you lose your phone, you don't think, Well, at least I had a phone. It's better to have had a phone and lost a phone than never to have phoned at all."

FUNNIEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

I was recently at a wedding and, during his speech, the father of the bride said, "Of course, my brother can't be here today because he broke his foot when an anvil fell on it." Who the hell owns an anvil? This isn't Looney Tunes. Who's your brother, Wile E Coyote?!

FUNNIEST HECKLE YOU'VE RECEIVED?

During a gig last week, the promoter's phone rang, disturbing my set. Then he shouted, "Josh, your taxi's here," which slightly undermined my closing five minutes.

FAVOURITE TV SHOW?

I adore Father Ted, one of Britain's many brilliant 90s sitcoms. There are hundreds of stand-out moments but, if I had to choose, I'd pick the video to their Eurosong entry, "My Lovely Horse".

FINALLY, WHO'S YOUR COMEDY INSPIRATION?

Rhod Gilbert's Award-Winning Mince Pie show is still the most perfect hour of stand-up I've ever seen, and attempting and failing to reach that level continues to drive me on. I saw him recently and, annoyingly, he's got even better. ■

Josh is now on tour. For details, see joshwiddicombe. co.uk

Beat the Cartoonist!

WIN £100 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

JANUARY'S WINNER

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-March alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readers digest.co.uk or the address on page 4 by March 14. Enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption. We'll announce the winner in our May issue. •

To save the cartoonists' blushes, we've reset the scoreboard for our caption competition. But readers are ahead again already, as Malcolm Ainge draws first blood with "This is the last time I volunteer to be a designated driver!", effortlessly seeing off cartoonist Royston Robertson's suggestion: "Accurs'd stag nights!"

SCOREBOARD READERS 1 CARTOONISTS 0

NEXT MONTH'S ISSUE... has become Britain's first Twissue!

Any topics you'd really like us to feature? Just tweet your requests to @rdigest and we'll do our best to oblige—as you'll see in our (or, rather, your) April issue!

PLUS

• Brenda Blethyn, Charlie Higson *

Rupert Penry-Jones, Martin Kemp

• The secret of Olympic gold?

• Antarctica's unsung hero

• How to kick the anger habit

• Britain's best... clubs and societies

EDITOR OF THETEAR 11 0 WINNER °'

Readers BUR

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