Reader's Digest June 2012

JUNE 2012 Digest FEATURES

"There are many myths surrounding camels, piranhas and other inhabitants of the globe," says explorer Benedict Allen. "But the truth turns out to be just as interesting"

"A group of Afghan asylum seekers are finding out that there's more to cricket than sandwiches and battles over a set of burnt stumps," says writer Crispin Allen.

A professor at ParisDauphine University recently launched a website called Thus Optimistes. Its main headline is, "Stop pessimism, France has talent". Brian Eads couldn't agree more.

•

Why is this m taking a gar fork on hi

34 Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part 19 Why James Brown is waving goodbye to his daily sugar rush

40 He Shoots, He Scores! Football's good guy Gary Lineker on how to clean up the beautiful game

46 A Wighter Shade of Green Meet the people who are putting the Isle of Wight on a path to self-sufficiency

52 Myths from Around the World...Busted Explorer Benedict Allen lays some persistent rumours to rest

58 How We Started a Revolution Sixty years ago, Reader's Digest published a groundbreaking report highlighting the dangers of smoking. We assess the impact on the policies of today and the future

66 James Nesbitt: "I Remember"The Cold Feet actor on the birth of his children—and a very close call

72 Swapping War for Cricket Whites How cricket is helping a group of young Afghan refugees build a brighter future

78 Best of British: Gardens The finest plots in the country, from palatial grounds to terraces

86 Life Less Ordinary: Novelty Values How do you bounce back from career catastrophe? Former TV executive Shed Simove thought out of the box

92 The Maverick: "France is Better Than Britain"

What's this? A Brit declaring that he prefers life on the other side of the Channel? Brian Eads explains all

96 Summer Food Special Simply delicious ideas for eats and drinks outdoors—weather permitting!

Want an easy way to get to our website? Grab your smartphone and go to the App

or Android Market, then download the free Digital Space app. Hold your phone about four inches away from the picture of Gill above, allowing the camera to focus, and you'll be taken straight to our site. Reader's Digest the World's Biggest

Amongst all the hullabaloo surrounding the Jubilee and the Olympics is sandwiched another little event that, at any other time, would be seen as a socking great big occasion, with the beer-forextended-TV-sessions being ordered in even as we speak.

It's not often that a major football fixture gets short shrift in the media, but Euro 2012 is in danger of precisely that. Not that it's necessarily a problem— our cover star, Gary Lineker, thinks that the relative lack of attention will take some of the pressure off England players, at least. But maybe less pressure should be the order of the day for football-loving kids all over the country, too? Read Gary's views on pushy parents—and bolshy players—on page 40.

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Online this month...

BEHIND THE GLITZ

If you love reading about the glamour and style of the world of entertainment, our new book Extraordinary Lives is for you. We've taken four best-selling books and edited them into one top read, full of little-known facts about the amazing lives of Elizabeth Taylor, Paul McCartney, Sue Johnston and James Corden. It's the perfect holiday read. Go to readersdigest.co.uk/extraordinarylives

Check out our eBooks—available now! Exciting news—our Reader's Digest books from the best-selling "Most Amazing" travel series are now available for the iPad at Apple's iBookstore, priced just £4.99. Choose from Amazing Places to Visit in Britain, Amazing Places to Visit on Britain's Coast, Amazing Places to Visit in London and Amazing Places of Folklore & Legend in Britain.

CHECK OUT our other fabulous apps, too! Go to the iTunes music store to download our magazine iPad app or our walking app. Visit our online shop for over 1,000 great books, gifts, jewellery, bargains and more!

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OVER TO YOU...

EMAILS, LETTERS, TWEETS AND FACEBOOK

£30 FOR EACH PUBLISHED LETTER, £15 FOR SHORTER EXTRACTS, £50 FOR THE LETTER OF THE MONTH!

SEE P4 FOR MORE DETAILS

Walking Back to Happiness

GIMME SHELTER

"How to Build a Refugee Camp" proves just how much hard work goes into setting up one of these places.

I went to Kenya five years ago and built a kitchen for an orphanage with help from ten students. That small project alone makes me admire immensely what the British Red Cross, CARE International and Save the Children do for all those poor people who need our help.

Luke Hexman, Denbighshire

LETTER OF THE MONTH

Well done to Stuart Jessup for speaking up about his experiences of mental illness in "Walking Back to Happiness", and also for his efforts at raising money and awareness on his 2,500-mile trek.

I've also had bouts of feeling very low on and off for several years, without really understanding why. Suicidal thoughts and drinking too much led to a breakdown, but at least I finally had a diagnosis and received help. When I returned to work after being signed off for a few weeks, reactions to me were mixed. I'm glad to say the majority of colleagues were supportive and welcoming, but not all. One, who I'd previously considered a friend, barely spoke to me again. And I later found out that another referred to me as "Psycho" behind my back.

As this was nearly 20 years ago, I can only hope that attitudes have changed. And I hope that stories like Stuart's will foster greater understanding and support for sufferers in the future.

Tracy Davidson, Warwickshire

ONLINE VS HIGH STREET

Richard Asher knows what he's talking about when he says in his Maverick feature that internet shopping "won't change the world".

My online purchases are nearly always returned to sender—I've either bought the wrong item, been sent the wrong product, or made a mistake with the sizing. Give me a trawl around the shops any day!

Alan Jacobs, Cheshire

KEEP A LID ON IT!

I absolutely loved your article on anger management "It Makes Me Mad!" It's really sad to see how easily some people lose their temper

ALifeLessOrtlinary

"She moved back in again after uni and just spends the whole day sleeping"

• these days—we seem to be surrounded by road rage, air rage, even trolley rage! While a bit of anger can be justified or even healthy, we should always remember that losing control is a sign of weakness, not strength.

Please keep printing these very practical articles.

Rachel Hamp, West Midlands

STRIKING BACK

I share James Brown's disappointment in "Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part 15" with the "steady disappearance of unique shops". But he should be encouraged by the sterling efforts made by the people of Easingwold. This delightful small town north of York recently took up arms (well, pens actually) and fended off

that most persistent of cuckoos in the small business nest, the new supermarket.

I suspect this is one corner of the UK where the chain stores have met their match.

Paul Ewart, Nottingham

CLUBBING TOGETHER

As your "Best of British" feature suggests, joining a club is a great way of getting lost in an activity.

When my marriage ended after 37 years, I felt depressed —I'd always done everything with my husband. So I joined a Golden Retriever Appreciation Society (I used to breed these dogs), a Chess Club, and a Wine Tasting Club. As a result, I've got lots of new friends and I've never been happier! Ria Harding, Cambridgeshire

ar•iN A•

"COME AGAIN?"

• "...They just wanted to be big bulls with their horns. I suppose they would need the EU's blessing..."

• "...When I dig and water the garden for her, I get the beat..."

• "...I can still see his mates all laughing at him with this very cold water over his head. The best ten quid I can tell you..."

• "..:I can't even redeem my clothes from the dry cleaners,' he told me. 'It's like they're in prison. I should go in and ask to see my trousers:..."

• "...Hope that you use this in your filler section and I have the opportunity to buy lots of fattening cakes with the proceeds..."

• "...I've never heard of Kiwi magazine either, but I am very interested in it..."

• "...I heard Mam say, 'One day we'll look back and laugh.' That day hasn't arrived yet if my ears haven't deceived me..."

ANNOYING TICKS

I was pleased to see the item in your Health section warning of the dangers of tick bites. I'm one of the "unlucky few" mentioned, and have for many years suffered from Lyme disease. I was bitten in 1997, but when I developed a huge red rash on my leg and later started to feel ill, I'd no idea I'd just been infected with a potentially serious disease. It was only two years ago that I finally found out why I'd been so poorly for so long.

Awareness and information can stop people getting ill in the first place—there's lots of advice at bada-uk.org for those wanting to learn more.

Helen Yarborough, Harrogate

SHARPEN UP

Once again a great magazine, but why use insipid colours that nobody can see? Get your staff to think about how to make this brilliant publication easier to read, so I'm not struggling with a magnifying glass! Bet you a tenner you don't publish this letter.

Derek Cressey, North Yorkshire

RD: Have E30 instead, Mr Cressey! And any insipid colours have now been banned...

MULTIFUNCTIONAL

I've always loved Reader's Digest, and keep a stack of them on my bedside cabinet for easy access. Getting into bed the other night, I was suddenly pitched onto the floor when one of the legs gave way. Scrambling for a solution, I pushed my year's supply of magazines under the broken corner and climbed safely in. Good old RD—not just a good read!

J Pratt, Somerset

samwith4boys am Wright

Reader's Digest: so much to inspire you in one little magazine! a rdigest

ANNI YOU'RE STILL TALKING ABOUT...

"Finding God in Bethlehem", BBC scriptwriter Tony Jordan's meditation on Christianity.

• This spiritual epiphany was a joy to read! Tony's voyage of selfdiscovery is a real testament to the age-old stories of the Bible, which still have relevance.

David Tinson, Oxfordshire

• Tony Jordan writes, "I don't believe I live any differently since I discovered my faith." But one wonders what kind of faith he's discovered if it hasn't altered his life.

Patrick Sykes, Hampshire

• Tony echoes my own life as a Christian, including not attending religious services and not being keen on Bible-bashing zealots. Instead, I try to live according to God's wishes.

Geoff Farrar, Cumbria

Pressed within hours of picking _lit to give a unique/y clean, go/den and fresh-tasting tea. Ahhhh.

YOUR SHORT, SHARP GUIDE TO JUNE

Prometheus Director Ridley Scott's first sci-fi film since Blade Runner is one of the most hotly anticipated films of the summer.

A rumoured prequel to the hugely successful Alien, the details are still tightly under wraps as I write, but here's what I do know. Explorers find a clue to the origins of mankind and travel on the spaceship Prometheus to another planet to find out more. Greek-myth fans will recall that Prometheus was punished with eternal

torment for stealing fire from the gods. So I think I can safely say that nothing good is waiting for our heroes.

The Forgiveness of Blood

I knew very little about Albania before seeing this film, other than that Norman Wisdom was famous there. But Forgiveness... leaves any such frivolous impressions

Author and BBC2 Review

Show critic Natalie Haynes on the new releases

behind.

A neighbour threatens revenge against the menfolk in 17-year-old Nik's family following a land dispute. And even though the youngster's still at school, he's not exempt. It's a claustrophobic premise, brought to edgy, uneasy life by startling performances from Tristan Halilaj as Nik, and Sindi Lacej as his sister Rudina. The teens are caught in an in-between world, where blood feuds and donkey carts exist alongside games consoles and mobiles. The Muppets. The excellent puppets return with their Oscar-winning (Best Song) movie. The Woman in Black. Daniel Radcliffe shakes off his wizardy past for the most successful British horror movie of the past 20 years.

Gadgets and Games

Technology expert and Answer Me This!

podcaster Oily Mann reveals the latest must-haves

Parrot AR Drone 2.0, £279. Taking executive toys to all-new levels of insanity, this quadricopter is controlled via iPad or smartphone. But if you're a well-heeled guy (and, let's be honest. you'd have to be a guy) who loves model aircraft, this might just be coolest thing in the world.

One particularly nifty trick: double-tap the controls and, hey presto, you've done a loop-theloop. Chocks away!

Beurer MC 2000 HTC-Office Shiatsu

Biirostuhl, If you spend your days hunched over a computer key-board, it's quite likely that you suffer from back pain. Pricey ergonomic seats are often suggested as a solution, but where's the fun in that? This office chair looks like another imitationleather boredom station, but lift its removable back cushion and you'll discover four rotating Shiatsu massage heads!

AND CHECK OUT...

Shark Dash app, 69p

If you like Angry Birds, you'll love this massive fish vs aquatic avians puzzle game (which might as well be called Angry Ducks).

Asda Smart

Price KS-18 portable radio. f?

A decent FM digitalscan radio at a jawdroopingly low price.

BBC 6

Purple meet at the indie disco. The former White Stripes man has had an endless stream of collaborations and hobby bands of varying quality in recent years. But, never straying far from a blues-rock template, his solo debut proper is very much the cobbler sticking to his last. A gnarly, shrieking, riffheavy collection of thunderous shouters that always maintains a certain twinkly charm and even humour.

releases

Out of the Game by Rufus Wainwright Think a less ridiculous Elton John. The title is probably more than a little wry. For over a decade, Rufus Wainwright has been trying—in his fabulously elegant, unhurried way—to turn critical acclaim into mass sales, all the while dallying with opera, Judy Garland and Shakespeare's sonnets.

His latest album, an attempt to build upon the relative success of his last proper pop outing Release the Stars, is a lovely, accessible, danceable collection with the sunny charm of a late-70s Andrew Gold or Rupert Holmes LP.

Blunderbuss by Jack White Think Hendrix, Free and Deep

The Visitors (deluxe edition) by ABBA Think if Ingmar Bergman wrote a pop album. The final outing by the greatest post-Beatles group is perhaps not quite as dark as some would have you believe, but it's certainly more Leonard Cohen than Brotherhood of Man.

There's something very muted, stylish and Scandinavian about it, with the shadowy presence of marital and musical break-up never far away. "One of Us" and "The Day Before You Came" were the hits, but "Like An Angel Passing Through My Room" and "When All Is Said and Done" have the baroque formality and stateliness that Abba excelled at.

Music's Stuart Maconie's pick of the recent

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month's action

Euro 2012, Poland and Ukraine, Reigning European and world champions Spain have proved themselves to be one of the great international football teams, and must be favourites to reclaim this title. England, Open-Water Swimming, however, are underdogs but can Olympic Qualification, River draw inspiration from the Greek Sado, Portugal, team of 2004, who, through a A curiously engaging sport, cocktail of determination, luck requiring skill, endurance, and grinding negativity, fluked tactical nous, a cavalier attitude their way to a tournament win. to Weil's disease, and the ability The player to watch is Marc to physically squabble with van Bommel (above) of the your competitors, as if you're Netherlands. The Michelangelo an especially frantic sperm in of Fouling, he reportedly bids search of an unusually sexy egg. his kids "Good morning" with a two-footed lunge at the breakfast table before complaining The Derby, June 2. US Open to referee Mrs Van Bommel golf, San Francisco June 14-17. about how his daughter's Henley Royal Regatta, kneecaps have hurt his studs. June 27-July 1.

Diamond Jubilee Weekend. 'Hie 9 ON

Bradford Mela.

International Film Festival-1 .1i Edinburgh

Great British Railway Journeys (BBC2) Michael Portillo's trip around the country is inspiring, especially since I love hillwalking. LIS i LIN 21, Adele. I don't listen to much music, but she really knows how to get her point across. allotment.org.uk. I make hedgerow wine and sloe gin, and this is a great forum for swapping homegrown recipes.

-An Snuff by Terry Pratchett. The idea that his books are just for 16-year-olds is rubbish. They're fantasy but funny, and cleverly satirise things like racism. • ALSO

A AR ember 9 London 2012 cultural festival

Amanda Thomas, 41, cheese maker

YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP...

I As I sat in the hospital waiting room the other day, I was amused to see a nurse writing up information for the patients on a whiteboard: "Dr Smith's clinic is running 20 minutes late. Sorry for any inconve..."

Here she paused for some time, until—with a triumphant smile—she erased the last two words and replaced them. It then read, "Sorry for the delay."

Sylvia Thomson, Fife

IOn holiday in Cape Town, a friend of mine spotted a large African woman in the supermarket just about to give birth. Full of concern, she went to the manager's office. "Do something," she implored. "Her water's broken. I can see the water at her feet."

She left soon afterwards, but returned the following week and sought out the manager. "Did the lady give birth OK?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied. "She gave birth to a large frozen chicken that was hidden up her jumper."

Brenda Brennan, Aberdeen

I WHILE WAITING FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTER TO FINISH her dance class at the Birmingham Hippodrome, a group of young ladies arrived at the reception desk asking for the elocution class. When the receptionist said they had the wrong evening, they looked disappointed, explaining that they'd been looking forward to it all day.

"Let's not waste your journey," I replied jokingly.

"Repeat after me: HOW NOW BROWN COW?"

Embarrassed and confused, they muttered the words, giving me some very odd looks as they left.

Turning to the receptionist, I said that I'd like to join the class as well, believing it's never too late to improve.

"Most of them wear very 'way out' clothes, you know," she pointed out. "Leathers, chains—that sort of thing."

"What, for elocution?" I replied, puzzled.

"No, not elocution!" she said, practically falling off her chair with laughter. "Urban fusion!"

Ann Clarson, Walsall, West Midlands

1 During a long car journey, our young son Callum had a question: "Dad, why are all drivers going slower than us idiots, and anyone going faster lunatics?"

Dannii Truby, Hertfordshire

1 When I worked as a police officer in Cornwall, I was asked to attend a case in the town of Lostwithiel, where a man was trying to steal vehicles. Arriving in the patrol car at 1.30am, I parked near a crossroads, got out, and waited.

Sure enough, a man soon came tearing down the side road. He took a quick look at me and said, "Taxi?"

"Yes," I replied, opening the door. He jumped in, heaving a sigh of relief—and I promptly arrested him.

Norman Pedlar, Cornwall

1 As a mortgage adviser back in the 1980s, I was reading a report prepared by an independent valuer, and was confused by the

"Please

remove your shoes and step through the scanner"

claim that the property had been "made in Taiwan".

WIN £70 FOR YOUR TRUE, FUNNY STORIES. EMAIL excerpts@ readers digest.co.uk OR GO TO facebook. com/readers digestuk

1 I ONCE OFFICIATED AT the wedding of Reggie and Roberta Kray in the chapel at Maidstone Prison. A friend of mine was very impressed by this fact, and shared the details of the wedding with her family.

After much investigation, it turned out that the secretary had misheard the dictation tape —the property had in fact been "made into one".

Debbie Ralph, Lincolnshire

1 A colleague at work boasted that he'd only ever slept with women he'd been married to.

I was quite impressed, until someone whispered to me, "He's been married five times, you know."

Abigail Barnes, Clywd

Some time afterwards, I met up with my friend and her husband, who I didn't know. Clearly excited, my friend hastily introduced me with the words, "This is the friend who married Reggie Kray!"

The husband gave me a long, cold stare, then muttered, "I hope you'll both be very happy."

Ken Stallard, Oxfordshire ■

Harry Mount learns to love the landscape

Delving into the green and pleasant lands of Britain uncovers a wealth of words to describe the weather, soil and geology of our country. See how many you know by answering

A, B or C.

shale n A severe frost

B very light rain C rock made of mud or clay

foehn (foon) n A forest floor B warm, dry wind

C forked lightning

3 pollard n A pruned tree

B young crop C coal seam

4 isthmus n A extreme drought B narrow, connecting piece of land

C miniature icicle

S dyke n A black cloud B sharp-pointed hill C embankment to prevent flood

6 combe (coom) n

A ancient road B overgrown hedge C valley

aquifer (ack-wiff-er) n

A water course beneath the soil sudden rain shower

1. iron seam in stone

cob n A material for walls B fat raindrop

C garden shed

bond n A herbaceous border B rippling wave

C way of laying brick

anemometer (anneemm-omm-et-ah) n

A water sprinkler

B wind-measuring device

C spring blossom

A word is born:

describes the eternal student who does degree after degree rather than get a job. But just as the term is gaining traction, the number of slackademics is in decline, thanks to increased university fees.

P .7.itim- Useful? 5/10

Likeable? 7/10

macrocarpa n evergreen mountain stream volcanic stone

glacier n steep mountainside slowmoving mass of ice

frozen pond

alluvium (al-oohveeh-um) n orchard

fine, fertile soil spring

copse n saltwater

lake small wood - leaf

marl n small tornado

clay and lime soil blade of grass ►

COVER STAR GARY LINEKER'S favourite word? "Goal!"

WORD POWER ANSWERS

9-11 getting there 12-13 impressive 14-15 word-power wizard!

1 shale—C rock made of mud and clay. "Shales usually split easily." Old English scealu.

2 foehn—B warm, dry wind. "The foehn effect makes Llandudno the warmest place in Britain in January." Latin favonius (mild west wind).

3 pollard—A pruned tree. "A pollard will grow new branches." Middle English poll.

4 isthmus—B connecting piece of land. "Britain was connected to France by an isthmus." Ancient Greek isthmos.

5 dyke—C embankment to prevent flood; also a ditch. "The little boy put his finger in the dyke." Old Norse dik.

6 combe—C valley. "Devon is crisscrossed with combes."

Old English cumb.

7 aquifer—A water course beneath the soil. "The chalk stream was fed by an aquifer." Latin aqua (water).

8 cob—A material for walls. "Cob can be made out of chalk, clay or earth, mixed with straw." Origin unknown.

WHY ANTIPODES?

Antipodes was originally an ancient Greek word used to describe standing with the feet directly opposite each other (from the Greek anti, meaning against, and pous, meaning foot) rather than stepping apart. In time, it came to mean any two places directly opposite each other —like, say, the two corners of a boxing ring. Now, the word is most often used to mean Australasia (ie, the place on the opposite side of the world to Europe).

9 bond—C way of laying brick. "You can tell from the bond the age of a building." Middle English band.

10 anemometer—B wind-measuring device. "The anemometer was dreamt up after the Tay Bridge disaster." Ancient Greek anemos (wind).

11 macrocarpa—A evergreen. "Macrocarpas

All the words in this month's Word Power were taken from Harry Mount's new book How England Made the English: From Hedgerows to Heathrow (£20).

are good for making hedges." Greek makros (long) and karpos (fruit).

12 glacier—B slow-moving mass of ice. "Much of Britain was shaped by glaciers." French glace (ice).

13 alluvium—B

Fine, fertile soil. "Alluvium is deposited by rivers." Medieval Latin alluvius.

14 copse—B small wood. "The fox took cover in the copse." Short for coppice.

15 marl—B

clay and lime soil. "Marl makes a great fertiliser." Middle English marie. ■

Sound Checking the Nation

Colin Campbell, Specsavers' professional hearing services director, explains: 'It's time to normalise hearing loss and show how many options are available to those who suffer from it. Having a free hearing check is the first step.

'According to the World Health Organisation, adult onset hearing loss will be one of the top 10 disease burdens in the UK by 2030, above cataracts and diabetes.**

One in three people with hearing difficulties is too embarrassed to wear a hearing aid and refuses to visit an audiologist for advice - and now Specsavers wants to change that

Specsavers has teamed up with Action on Hearing Loss to encourage the four million people in the UK with unaddressed hearing loss to take action. It's part of a campaign to remove the stigma associated with hearing loss and to promote hearing health. Together, they have pledged to carry out one million free hearing checks before the end of 2012 as part of the UK-wide Sound Check the Nation campaign.

The Sound Check the Nation hearing booth began touring the UK in April, while free hearing checks can also be carried out in Specsavers hearing centres.

ACTION ON HEARING LOSS.

'It's estimated that up to four million people in the UK would benefit from a hearing aid and that this figure is set to increase. So instead of suffering in silence, we want to encourage people to have a free hearing check and see what a dramatic difference just a few minutes can make to the rest of your life.'

Research shows that, on average, there is a 10 year delay between symptoms and treatment for hearing loss.

Colin continues: 'One in every six people in the UK suffers from hearing loss, and by 2013 the total number is expected to hit 14.5 million. Anything we can to encourage people to seek help as soon as possible will have a huge impact.'

-Action on Hearing Loss Hearing Matters report 2011 Specsavers

Hearing Centres You can have your hearing checked for FREE online, in-store or at the Sound Check the Nation hearing booth. Visit www.specsavers.co.uk/hearing/hearing-check to check your hearing online or www.specsavers.co.uk/soundcheck for updates on the Sound Check the Nation tour.

*Sound Check the Nation survey of 825 UK residents carried out between 15 March 2011 and 09 April 2011

IN THE FUTURE...

...broken hearts will be mended, says Gary Rimmer

Pointless pulses

There's a critical shortage of hearts for transplant, and "beating" artificial hearts struggle to run for more than a few months. But do you need a pulse at all?

Some cardiac surgeons aren't sure you do. A few patients whose hearts have failed managed to survive because their heart had previously been supported by a pump called a leftventricle assist device, which pumps blood continuously. (There was a theory that a pulse is essential to push lymph around the body, but it's actually more reliant on the movement of muscles.)

Continuous flow pumps are cheap and can run for years. By 2025, there may be durable artificial hearts with no "boom diddy boom" at all.

No more signal failures

A big problem for mobile-phone users is poor network coverage. But a company in Utah has now developed a nanoparticle spray that can turn any tree or tall building into an ad-hoc aerial mast and significantly improve the performance of mobile-phone antennae. Put a mobile inside a special box called a Faraday's cage and its signal deteriorates dramatically. But spray the phone's aerial with this aerosol and it still works well—so hitchhikers no longer need be lost in the woods without a signal.

It's also been suggested that this nano-material could be incorporated into the paint used for road markings, turning every white line into an aerial, allowing highbandwidth Wi-Fi in every car by 2030.

Our changing climate

A recent study suggests that, in parts of Canada by 2040, the sustained winter chill necessary to facilitate outdoor ice skating —an important nursery stage for many budding ice-hockey stars—will no longer occur. Average temperatures in

Yorkshire, meanwhile, are expected to have risen enough to make it one of the world's finest wine-growing regions. And according to many sherpas, Everest may soon be impossible to climb any more, as the pack ice that effectively glues the summit together increasingly melts away. ■

SPITTINGBLOOD BEANEARLSSIGN OFGUMDISEASE

If you spit blood when brushing your teeth, it could be an early sign of gum disease, the UK's leading cause of tooth loss. Don't ignore the signs.

Find out more about The Campaign For Healthy Gums at www.gumsmart.co.uk

NOTHING IS MORE EFFECTIVE AT TREATING GUM DISEASE

INSTANT EXPERT

Harry Mount reveals the facts behind the news

It's pouring out there—so why the hosepipe bans now in force in the south and east of England? It's all to do with the water table...

What is the water table?

In strict terms, it's where the downward atmospheric pressure matches the upward water pressure of a body of water. In simple terms, it broadly refers to the natural level of water on, above or beneath the ground.

Is it flat?

Not necessarily. The term "table" is a bit confusing because the water table can vary widely over a relatively short distance. You could, in theory, have a river near an underground stream and a hillside lake, and they would all have differing water tables.

What dictates the level of the water table?

There are five main factors: evaporation, geology, the water taken by plants, the topography of the surrounding area and the amount of rainfall.

When does the water table get too low?

On April 5 this year, a hosepipe ban was introduced across much of southern England, affecting 20 million people, because of a shortage of natural water supplies. In many of the affected areas, the water table had dropped below the level of the riverbed—ie, the rivers had run dry. The hosepipe ban was introduced by the Government at the suggestion of seven water companies whose experts thought water supplies in their regions were worryingly low. Grass-field sites used for the Olympics are exempt from the ban.

Water table sty s:.aj Surface water

The Water Table

a common sight? A pond in Gerrards Cross, ckinghamshire, July 2006

Why did water supplies get so low this year?

The obvious answer is lack of rain. After a dry winter, we had a very dry March. England and Wales got just 37 per cent of the normal March rainfall. Also, as we cover more of our country with concrete—and more of our gardens with

decking—the amount of rainfall that returns into the ground, to replenish the water table, diminishes.

Why can't we transport water from the rainier parts of Britain

to the drier bits?

The answer is, we can and do, to a certain extent. A week after the hosepipe ban was introduced, Severn Trent Water started selling up to 30 million litres of water a day to Anglian Water in the drought-hit east of England. Just to show how complicated our water supply system is, the water actually came from the Ladybower reservoir in Derbyshire—acquired by Severn Trent in 1989.

At the time of the hosepipe ban, several experts proposed the construction of a vast series of crosscountry pipelines to beat the problem in future. The idea was seen as prohibitively expensive.

How much of our water supplies are lost due to leakages?

Around 3.3 billion litres of water a day, enough to supply every house in Birmingham, Bristol and Manchester. The worst leaker, Thames Water, loses the equivalent of 269 Olympic-sized swimming pools a day.

Is this as bad as the 1976 drought?

Not yet. The '76 drought was preceded by a year of very low rainfall, and accompanied by unusual heat: it was as high as 35C in Cheltenham. By August, much of south-west England had been without rain for 45 days. At the height of the drought, Denis Howell (pictured left) was made minister for drought; days later, it poured, and he was nicknamed "minister for rain". The following September and October were extremely wet. ■

The time is right to visit the dentist

International standards and affordable fees at Malaysia's dental clinics

DENTAL TREATMENT CAN INTIMIDATE even the brave. Despite the advent of modern techniques, it's not uncommon to find people putting off needed dental work until significant discomfort occurs.

Having a good set of teeth does more than provide a lovely smile. The condition of your teeth can affect your speech, diet, facial features and social behaviour. Delaying dental care can have unwanted consequences.

"The good news is that treatments are now much more comfortable, so even procedures considered complicated ten years ago are as common today as simple tooth extractions were then," says Dato' Dr. How Kim Chuan, an orthodontist and implant specialist at Beverly Wilshire Dental Specialist in Kuala Lumpur and immediate past president of the Malaysian Dental Association.

To take advantage of international-standard dental procedures and highly competitive fees, a

growing number of foreign patients are visiting dental clinics in Malaysia. Many procedures are now non-invasive, so visitors seeking minor treatment can just walk in to a dental clinic without having to bring records or referrals. "Patients come here from all over the world for treatments ranging from routine scaling and polishing to fillings and more involved procedures such as crowns and bridges, aesthetic bleaching and root canal therapy," notes Dr. Tay Chiew Xsia, dental surgeon at Mahkota Medical Centre in Malacca.

Latest technology

State-of-the-art dental technology plays an important role in treatment. "Most of the latest advances focus on improving the accuracy of diagnosis, patient convenience and delivery time," explains Dato' Yaacob Arshad, chief executive officer of Dentalpro Dental Specialist Centre in Kuala Lumpur.

Examples include computerised treatment planning, express fabrication of dental prostheses using CAD/CAM, teeth whitening without the use

AREASOFTREATMENTREADILYAVAILABLEINMALAYSIAINCLUDE:ANAESTHESIOLOGY

of ultraviolet light, and nanotechnology to make stronger and more durable restorative material which also has superior aesthetic quality.

New orthodontic options such as "invisible" braces are also revolutionising cosmetic dentistry, adds Dr. How.

Flexible schedules

For many visitors, the competitive prices charged in Malaysia for quality dental work are a major draw.

"While the standard of care and quality of material are at par with those in many overseas patients' home countries, the fees are far lower," notes Yaacob. "Plus, treatment schedules for more complex procedures such as crowns and bridges can be tailored to suit a patient's travel plans, such as to accommodate a vacation at the

same time."

Malaysia offers a full spectrum of tourism experiences from cosmopolitan shopping and ecotourism treks to pristine beaches and golf, fishing and aquatic sports. Yaacob points out that easy communication via telephone and the web, along with Malaysian professionals' strong

MEDICALFACT In 2011, some 583,000 foreign patients visited Malaysian hospitals for medical care. Most came for cardiac and orthopaedic treatments, plastic and dental surgery, fertility treatments and health screening. There are 63 private hospitals and healthcare facilities registered under the Malaysia Healthcare Travel Council (MHTC) to provide services to foreign patients.

HEALTHCARE

command of English, facilitates inquiries and the scheduling of care as part of vacation plans.

"The country's top selling points are easy accessibility, good transport infrastructure and a wide range of accommodations to suit every budget," adds Dr. Tay. Private hospitals and clinics will often provide assistance with travel arrangements, including airport pickups.

Many foreign patients find their way to Malaysian dental practitioners through their websites or via medical tourism portals offering dental procedures.

Successful dental treatment can provide

a major boost to morale. Many who arrive as distressed patients return home happier because they can now smile, bite and chew better or have better control over their oral hygiene now that their dental problems have been corrected.

For Dr. How, encouraging a patient from Day One is a must. "Imaging technology now enables us to show a patient what his treatment will involve and how he will look afterwards," he notes. "This exciting development gives the patient the reassurance to proceed."

It should also help ease any worries over seeing a dentist. Surely that will put a smile on anyone's face!

For more information about Malaysia Healthcare, visit www.mhtc.org.my

IF I RULED THE WORLD Nikki King

Nikki is chief executive of Isuzu Trucks (UK). She was a secretary until aged 40, when an unexpected divorce meant she needed a better-paid job. She began work at a Ford dealership and rose to become MD, before taking on Isuzu. She was awarded the OBE in 2002.

I'd reinstate nursing schools and change the culture of the NHS. When my mother was dying in our local NHS hospital, I saw evidence of bad management and an obsession with targets that had taken out all vestiges of compassion and humanity.

In the past, vocational nurses who trained in nursing schools and teaching hospitals joined the profession because they wanted to help people. They were naturally compassionate before they began their training, and Matron and Sister knocked off the rough edges. Today's nurses seem to be either unqualified helpers or graduates focused only on their career ladder.

I'd build social housing that catered for all ages. It's clearly unworkable to have elderly people still living in three-bedroom

houses, but it's also inhumane to force them to vacate to a one-bedroom flat in a new area. I'd build estates that encompass family housing and smaller apartments, some of which would be warden-assisted. It would be part of the agreement that, if you took advantage of this housing when you had a young family, you'd transfer to one of the smaller properties when your circumstances changed.

411, I'd encourage children to spend more time with the elderly. When I was in Japan recently, I went to a friend's son's sports day and was surprised to find many elderly people not only present but also taking part in races. I found out that it's fairly normal there for nursery schools to be based in locations that also house old people's day centres. The OAPs are encouraged to spend time with the children, telling them stories and talking about old ways of life. The great relationship between the two age groups was obvious, and it occurred to me that perhaps this is why

the Japanese people have such a high regard for their elderly.

I'd make all CEOs of FTSE companies stay In the role for a minimum of ten years. Many problems in the business world are caused by shorttermism. CEOs tend to remain in charge for about three years. They cut costs and make profits with no regard for the future impact of their actions. They then collect plaudits from the shareholders and a fat bonus, before moving on to destroy the next company.

I'm a part-owner of my firm and have to make decisions that will be effective for a lifetime— that's how the business has held consistently to its customerservice values for 16 years.

I'd overhaul our education system. Our young people have been sadly let down. It's really difficult for my company to employ school leavers as it takes a year to train them to be any use to us. Generally speaking, they can't write letters, read fluently, keep their tempers or attend work regularly—and employers don't have the time to be teachers. Schools should be educating children to be

tt

Our young people have been sadly let down. It's really difficult for my company to employ school leavers

useful contributors to society. I'd change the whole curriculum for the last year at school to cover skills such as letter-writing and basic accounts and economics. I'd also provide each child with a one-to-one mentor from the business community.

I'd make all toll booths in the UK take money on both sides of the vehicle. My journey to work involves crossing the Dartford toll bridge. Every evening I wait while numerous foreign trucks pull up to the booth, the driver climbs out, goes to pay and then climbs back in again. Added up, the amount of time wasted is enormous. Also, when the bridge is shut by high winds, I'd make the tunnels next to it free of charge to speed up traffic. It took me four hours to travel three miles recently while we queued there!

I'd ban equipment that doesn't work effectively. There are so many little things in life that aren't up to the job, but we accept them mindlessly —for instance, the dreaded toast machine, as well as ring pulls that break your nails, and resealable packets that don't reseal. Ban them all! •

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL 19. Giving up sugar

Losing his sweet tooth has not just improved James Brown's waistline—it's boosting his mood, too

I'm kicking sugar out of my diet, and it's making me very happy indeed. It's taken a while to do, but after years of carrying an inexplicably large belly (I don't drink or eat red meat), eating with a mouth like a derelict graveyard (teeth dropping by the year), and serving up mood swings of hurricane proportions, I finally encountered a perfect storm of good advice and started doing something about it.

In addition, there are very serious and well-respected academics such as Robert Lustig now claiming that sugar is as destructive and addictive as alcohol. That's right, sugar. Our friend. Star of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory, friend of the Flake Girl, bullion of the Bounty Hunters. How can the main components of the Toot Sweet in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang be responsible for all my ills?

I have a long and dependent relationship with sugar. When I see my dentist, he doesn't ask how my family is—he just greets me with,

"How's your sugar addiction?" I used to think he should help me do something about it, but why should he? It's more work for him.

I'm not sure what convinced me I needed to change. Reading about Davina McCall saying how cutting out all sugar had calmed her down made me curious. Maybe it was another tooth falling out, or not being able to run around the football pitch like I used to. Maybe it was the children calling me fatty as I passed them in my girlfriend's convertible.

I contacted three people: a trainer friend, Ray Klerck, in Australia; a former colleague, Vic, who came to work with me at Sabotage Times again after spending three years as a school's nutritionist; and a professional footballer, David Preece, who asked if he could do weekly work experience as he prepared for a career in the media. All three of them said to ditch sugar and white carbs, and all had something to offer as an alternative. This wasn't office-voodoo diet fads—they know about body science.

Dentists and parents spent years warning us off sugar as

kids, but there's a lot of peer-group pressure when you think about it. The sugar barons have now stretched their influence from sweets and birthday cakes and puddings to pretty much everything: sauces, nuts, pasta. (Pasta? Yes, pasta!) Once you start checking the labels. pretty much everything has sugar in it. No wonder food tastes so good nowadays.

I've lost four pounds in the last five weeks, while doing no exercise and

still eating loads. Ray has me on six smaller meals a day, and Vic's got me on a supplement called 5-HTP. Taken before bedtime, it creates serotonin while you're asleep and, if you're grumpy like me, you wake up already feeling a lot better.

I have half a cinnamon stick in my breakfast tea and take a chromium supplement, which helps balance me out and keep the sugar cravings away. Breakfast is fresh rye toast and sugarless jam, or scrambled eggs.

I'm not doing anything difficult or weird. I've just had a moment of clarity about the damage I was doing to myself. I sleep better, don't fly from narky to smiles in seconds like a psycho any more, and because all the emotional turmoil that the sugar was boosting has gone, I'm less likely to try to eat something to control how I feel. I've also got more energy. Up until then, all it took was some carbs and—bang!—I was flat out asleep in the office in minutes.

When I started this, I was on two Twirls a night. That's stopped. Ray's happy for me to eat what I want r.

tt I don't feel like I'm eating less— I'm just eating better. I've stopped treating my body

like a

dustbin

at weekends, but I'm not really bothered about the old stuff now. I still eat crisps at a party or bread in a restaurant, but something's changed in my head. And my body. I don't feel like I'm eating less, I'm just eating better. And I don't see myself as being on a diet—I've just stopped treating my body like a dustbin.

I keep a food diary on my phone and send it to Ray regularly. Most importantly I feel calmer, and I'm

more consistent around people close to me. It might not be what you want, but it's working for me. However, this means the column I'd planned about my favourite shop, Sweet Memories of Rye, has been put on the shelf, up there with the midget gems, the liquorice torpedoes and the chocolate toolkit. ■

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: "We can't concentrate, why should you?" You can follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown.

BUDDING AUTHORS, TAKE A BOW!

Thousands of tales were submitted to this year's 100-word-story contest, and this noirish tale was one of them. We'll be featuring a commended story in the magazine every month, and each day on our website at readersdigest.co.uk/magazine

Assassin

Eli ran his thumb along the edge of the blade and stared at the man sitting opposite. Expensive suit, smart shoes. More money than sense.

"A thousand and she's gone?" Eli asked. "Just like that?" He put the knife on the tabletop and pulled the pile of notes towards him. "You sure this is what you want?"

The man shifted his gaze and cleared his throat. "I'm sure. Can you do it?"

"I can do anything," Eli said, standing and looking down at him. Eli smiled and reached for the knife. "Awkward thing is, though, she gave me three thousand."

Submitted by Dan Smith, Newcastle

Dan says:"My daughter was working on a story for the competition as a class project, and I was intrigued by the idea. To tell a tale in just 100 words, but give the impression of something much bigger, was a fantastic challenge. I've been writing for years, but my first novel Dry Season was published just two years ago."

Dan will receive a cheque for £70

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As Euro 2012 looms, Gary Lineker reveals the secrets of his "unbelievably fortunate" career— and tackles some of football's biggest problems, to boot...

HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!

BY CAROLINE HUTTON

PHOTOGRAPHED BY PAL HANSEN

One evening last November, Gary Lineker was at home watching Newsnight when an investigation into newspapers' treatment of celebrities revealed that several of them, including the News of the World, may have been having him followed for years.

He was shocked, sickened, then slightly bemused. "There were a few weeks when my divorce [from first wife Michelle in 2006] made the news, but to be tailed for that long was staggering. These invasions of people's privacy ►

4 are grotesque. But I couldn't help thinking that whoever followed me must have been unbelievably bored. The school run, the golf course, my Saturday job, the occasional dinner, and then home...not very interesting!"

"When I was a player, I used to have a recurring anxiety dream that I couldn't get the ball in the net," he says. "It would always hit the post or not get over the line. I still occasionally dream about football. Recently, I got called up for

The gift of a golden boot: Lineker attacks for England against Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup quarter-final

It's typical of the 51-year-old's selfdeprecating charm that he plays down a life that most boys can only dream of. A 17-year football career saw him play for Tottenham Hotspur, Everton and Barcelona, captain England and score more goals for his country than anyone except Bobby Charlton (48 versus 49). That's been followed by a hugely successful media career—including, for the last 13 years, his "Saturday job" hosting Match of the Day.

But Gary, who's now married to actress and model Danielle Bux and lives in west London, does appreciate that his career has turned out pretty well.

Spurs, and I remember thinking, Why am I here? I'm in my 50s! You've got it all wrong!

"But I was born with a gift to score goals, and then to find something else I could do afterwards is unbelievably fortunate," he says. "Former players don't expect much sympathy, but not being a hero any more can be tough. The divorce rate among ex-pros is astronomical: something like 60-70 per cent of their marriages break up in the first five years after they retire.

"I'm almost more chuffed about what I've achieved in TV than what I did in football. I write everything I do and

I really enjoy that, but it's not

So your child that easy to present live TV— wants to be a dealing with autocues, getting Premiership footballer? in and out of questions with

Here are Gary's top tips. someone shouting in my earpiece. And I've got Make sure they have fun playing. "If your child a rather monotonous is enjoying the game and they're good enough, there voice as well, so I've are so many scouts out there that they'll be discovered had to make sure that without you having to push them forward." my intonation is dif- Teach them respect."Look at the best player in the ferent to stop myself world right now, Lionel Messi. He's wonderfully gifted, but sounding too flat. also an absolute gentleman, who plays with a smile on his

"There were many face without any nonsense, and never argues with the referee. times in the first cou- Helping your child to choose their heroes wisely will go a long ple of years when I way to ensuring they approach football in the right way." thought I couldn't do Focus on technique. "Even though I was one of the top it. But, in the end, it goalscorers of my time, that didn't make me one of the was up to the public greatest players. I would have been a better player if I'd to decide if they liked practised all the skills more as a kid." me. I think that the Build them up. "All today's footballers are ripped, and pressures I experienced that makes them better athletes. It wasn't like that in on the pitch helped me my day. I was advised to stay skinny up top to 'keep deal with it all. Taking a more lithe', which was misconceived advice." penalty in a World Cup semiDon't let the schoolwork suffer. "I once got final is the ultimate test of a report that said, '[Gary] must devote less time anybody's nerves. If you miss to sport if he is to be a success.' Although the goal, that really matters, but if that didn't turn out to be right for me, it you fluff your lines on TV, no one's might be wise advice for a lot of kids!" particularly bothered except you."

This month, Gary's fronting the BBC coverageof Euro 2012 from Poland and Ukraine. Then, later in the summer, he'll be presenting the corporation's prime-time Olympics programmes. He's having to do some serious homework in preparation for the Games, reading a mountainous guide to the various events.

"I love all sports, but I won't pretend I know a lot about all of them. If a to.

Brit wins a gold medal in archery, I'm going to have to understand exactly how it works, so I need to study a bit. One of the great attractions of the Olympics, though, is that we find ourselves compulsively watching things like synchronised swimming or weightlifting that we never gave a thought to before."

MATCH OF - DAY p

An early appearance hosting Match of the Day. "It was up to the public to decide if they liked me"

this country has ever known," he says. "But, when the opening match kicks off in Warsaw, the madness will ensue. It'll be huge—football is an obsession—and I imagine the biggest TV audience of the year will still come when England play.

By comparison, international football surely seems, for the first time in decades, like something of a minority sport in Britain this year?

"The Euros might be overshadowed in some people's thoughts because we're hosting the biggest sporting event

"Even I'd be sent off if I was playing today!"

"It might even make a pleasant change that our expectations for the team are rather low this year—although they'll be with the new manager. But I reckon we'll end up disappointed, as usual."

If footballers do take second place to the Olympians this year, might that do some of them a little good?

"They've got a lot to learn about etiquette and manners from all sorts of sports, including the Olympics," concedes Gary. "Football runs across the spectrum of working-class society and there are a lot of decent, upstanding individuals who don't get written about. But there are also players who've never learned how to handle themselves.

"I was a bit of a moaner when I played, but I'd never say anything offensive to the referee," continues the former striker who, famously, was never booked. "There needs to be respect for officials and it'd be easy to change: any abuse of the ref gets you a red card. This is something that needs to come from Fifa, but it'll never do it.

There'd be carnage for about three weeks, and we'd end up with a lot fewer players on the pitch. But teams would soon learn you just can't behave in that way. The Professional Footballers Association should discipline its own, too, rather than just defending them, with a committee of pros who rule on behaviour.

"That said, with all the rule changes, even I'd be sent off if I was playing today," he jokes. "And, as my career came to an end and I realised I'd never been cautioned, I did wonder if I should punch the referee in my last game!"

All this talk of bad behaviour takes Gary on to his biggest bugbear—parents at junior matches shouting at their offspring from the sidelines.

"I've got four boys [George, 20, Harry, 18, Tobias, 16 and Angus, 14], so I've watched a lot of children's games. I can't stand the absolute nonsense and diatribe that spews from the spectators. It's a kids' match—who cares who wins? Parents are shouting all the wrong stuff like, 'Don't mess about with it, just boot it!' and terrifying their own children. So

we end up with kids who think winning is more important than technique. I never shout a word, and I actually understand what's going on. Kids should be playing to enjoy the game.

"The other problem with youth football is that we're not investing enough in good local coaches. Spain and Germany have got around 30,000 properly trained people, and the UK has about 2,000. It's no wonder that other countries are producing more technically gifted players than us.

"As England invariably let you down, it's great to have the Games to look forward to. They're an amazing showpiece for the nation, and we're really good at putting on a spectacle. Also, the host country tends to up its game, so I think we'll break all our records and win a lot of medals."

So if Gary Lineker, one of the leading British sporting heroes of the last 30 years, could enter an event, which would it be?

"The 100m sprint. I was pretty good at that when I was younger. Although, nowadays, I'd need a 50m head start in front of Usain Bolt and I'd still lose!" ■

DID YOU KNOW...? HITLER'S DISNEY PHASE

History would have been very different if Adolf Hitler had remained an obscure Austrian painter. But did his love of art also extend to Disney characters? These sketches, bearing the future FY:threes initials, were found hidden behind a painting attributed to Hitler by Norwegian museum director William Hakvaag. "Hitler had a copy of Snow White," he points out. "He thought it was one of the best movies ever made."

Meet the locals who are transforming the Isle of Wight into an environmental world leader

Green

BY AMANDA RILEY-JONES

PHOTOGRAPHED BY STUART CONWAY

Welcome to the Isle of Wight—once Queen Victoria's favourite holiday destination, now a yachting mecca and striving to become a self-sufficient "eco island".

"We're creating the first truly sustainable region in Britain," says the appropriately named David Green, head and founder of the Ecolsland Partnership, who came up with the idea of turning the Isle of Wight green in 2006.

After initially working with the local council to try to make public services more environmentally friendly, David, 50, has transformed his Ecolsland concept into a community-led project. In the last few years, it's grown from small meetings in pubs to an organisation with more than 300 individual and business members who are working on some 50 projects, from organic-vegetable distribution schemes to beach cleans. David, who used to run an environmentally friendly events company, launched the Partnership last April to give

TIM STREET

"Maybe it's living on a beautiful island, but people here are very attached to the land," says the 37-yearold self-styled "carbon-neutral gardener". He spurns power tools, encourages customers to grow their own vegetables, and compost waste, and cycles everywhere, pulling his equipment in a trailer bearing the motto, "Yesterday's tools, today's knowledge, tomorrow's environment."

"People ask how I manage, but it's not that hard. For me, being green is about keeping it simple and often going back to the way we've always done things."

Green gardener: Tim Street goes to work

4 Ecolsland a money-making company at its core, so it didn't have to rely on government or charitable funding—it puts all its profits into new schemes.

"This is about a community taking its destiny back into its own hands," he says. "In 1950, the island produced 90 per cent of everything residents consumed, but we've become dependent on the North Island [the mainland]. It provides our fuel, a third of our water—and, if there's a tanker-driver strike, food shelves can empty in two days. Man can't keep using resources at the current rate, so we want the island to be carbon neutral and supply all its own energy by 2020."

One of David's biggest successes so far has been working with the Southern Housing Group, the Ellen MacArthur Foundation and others to fit 67 houses in the village of Chale with solar panels,

air-source pumps—which extract heat from the outside atmosphere for radiators and water supplies, even in winter— and better insulation. It has allowed many less well-off residents to warm their homes acooas properly for the first time in e oo° Greenback

The years. Even better, discount card surplus electricity is now being sold to the national grid, generating £7,000 a year to pay for future local projects.

EcoIsland is now installing ten electriccar charging points on the island, and hopes to have Britain's first hydrogencar club running by September. It also

The man who started it all:

David Green

provides the Greenback discount card. Participating firms—which range from environmentally friendly cycle-hire shops to plumbers—offer deals that can save a family £400 a year. Meanwhile, the Partnership is converting a Newport industrial estate into an eco-business park, where the 35 resident firms will get power from on-site wind turbines and solar panels.

Alongside Ecolsland's efforts, many other organisations are getting in on the Isle of Wight's act. This March, Waitrose unveiled the UK's first supermarket to go largely "off grid" in East Cowes. Its biomass power plant uses sustainable woodchip to create heat and electricity, and will save 750 tons of CO2 a year. "It'll also heat future surrounding developments," says Jim Burnett, Waitrose's engineering manager.

The Isle of Wight council is working with house builders to create 950 sustainable homes, while food producers and others are trying to persuade the 140,000 islanders to eat more local produce.

"Reducing food miles reduces greenhouse gases. The more people eat local food, grown with minimal pesticides and farm machinery, the better," says Rowan Adams, 50, who helped set up the Isle of Wight Orchard Group last summer.

"Orchards are beautiful, great for wildlife, and also protect our soil, water and climate," she says. "The group conserves them and organises days where residents can harvest and share unused crops."

As to the future, there are groundbreaking plans for the Isle of Wight's waste, wind and waves.

"We only have 12 months of space o•

GEOFF HUGHES

The actor who played slobbish Onslow in BBC1's Keeping Up Appearances might seem an unlikely environmental warrior, but he's an Ecolsland founding member.

His island home was built with sustainable, silvery-timbered wood, and has walls insulated with recycled paper and wool. Renewable energy comes courtesy of solar panels and a groundsource heat pump, which makes use of the fact that the earth has a nearconstant temperature at a depth of ten feet. In the winter, it removes heat from the soil and pumps it into the building.

Geoff and his wife Sue bought 23 acres of abandoned woodland (pictured above), and are now selling timber as woodchip for gardens and fuel for high-efficiency biomass boilers.

"Trees are my passion," says Geoff. "We're taking out the conifers and replacing them with indigenous oak, ash and sweet chestnut."

By restoring it to a classic coppiced woodland, the couple are also creating the right environment for the island's endangered red squirrels and dormice.

ANDREW PALMER

Another Ecolsland member, the owner of the Priory Bay Hotel is the millionaire founder of the New Covent Garden Soup Company, and an endearingly eccentric entrepreneur.

Four years ago, he got an engineer to try to adapt a car to run on a combination of air and petrol. "It got about six miles," he laughs. But he's now applying his enthusiasm to finding new ways to reduce the hotel's carbon footprint. Plans in the pipeline include an energy-recovery system in the kitchen ("Our fridges and freezers are chucking out heat we should be reusing"), and a ground-source heat pump from the hotel's beach.

"We're also growing our own heating materials. We should soon be getting 60 per cent of our energy by burning wood from the estate."

left in our landfill sites, and people are amazed at how little is recycled," says David Green. So Ecolsland will bid for the island's waste-management contract when it's renewed in 2015.

"Our plan is to build a high-tech wasteprocessing plant that will take 80,000 tons of household and commercial waste, recycle everything that can be recycled [including glass, metal and bio waste], and incinerate only the smallest amount. Zero will go to landfill."

Ecolsland also hopes to lead the way in wind power. The council has rejected several wind-farm applications, and many residents are opposed to installing them on a 13-mile-wide island, half of which is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. But last July, Dorset-based firm Infinergy, supported by David, applied to build five lower-than-normal turbines near Wellow that could produce up to ten per cent of the island's domestic electricity. A poll found that around 90 per cent of people were happy with this.

But it's the potential of sea power that's making the most waves. An ambitious plan to establish a "Solent Ocean Energy Centre" could transform the island into a net exporter of power, and a world leader in renewable-energy technology.

Last April, Ecolsland, the council and Southampton University put together a bid for central-government funding for this tidal-power development base. It was rejected, but Westminster officials are considering a second bid, which is now backed by several million pounds in potential private investment.

"The island is one of the top five UK locations ideally suited to tidal energy"

PROFESSOR ANDY STANFORD-CLARK

Despite appearances, the 45-year-old IBM scientist's thatched Elizabethan cottage is a high-tech eco wonderland.

Even when he's out, Andy can use his mobile to communicate with sensors that tell him if the kitchen lights have been left on, or can activate the heating. His house texted him

recently, querying a spike in water usage, so he went home to find a leaking hose in the garden. The home also tweets about its energy usage,

with updates every time it uses another £5 of electricity. In Andy's study, meanwhile, an orb glows red if more energy is being used than expected for that time of day. He says it's a bedtime ritual for his children to track down any appliances that need switching off to calm the glow to amber or green.

enthuses David. "We've already had the thumbs up from the Crown Estate [which owns most of the seabed around the UK] and hope to have the first installation in less than three years!"

Since installing the system, he's cut his family's energy use by a third, and he believes that similar kits will be in shops within a few years.

His latest project is to find a way to make houses smart enough to react to the weather forecast. "I have a thatched roof, but I'm hoping to put solar panels on my shed to experiment with. If it's going to be sunny for a few hours, I want my house to make use of the free energy by turning on the washing machine."

Government—and nation—can learn from the Ecolsland's vision.

"We're seeking to do at a national level much of what it's doing locally," he says. "The Localism Act [recently] reformed the planning system to allow people to shape their communities. It seems that the Isle of Wight is way ahead of the curve." ■

Headquarteft of the Ecolsland Partnership

In May, Green and his team were due to launch the Ecolsland Investment Portfolio at the House of Commons. "We're expecting in excess of 30 green trusts, banks and individual investors," he explains. "If we pull it off, we'll have created a new way of funding big community projects, without donations, grants or a penny of debt."

Richard Benyon, minister for the Natural Environment and Fisheries, believes the

MYTHS FROM AROUND THE WORLD ...busted!

BY BENEDICT ALLEN ILLUSTRATED BY VOLKER STRAETER

We all know that Eskimos have 50 different words for "snow". Or is it 500? Anyway, an awful lot. It's one of those interesting little facts that says something about the amazing ingenuity of us humans. Whereas we see just snow, the Eskimo perceives an endlessly varying realm of white textures and possibilities. Wonderful.

Except that it's not true. Talk to the average Eskimo chap and you'll find he has about the same number of words for snow as we do.

I discovered this when I took a sledge-dog team through the Russian Arctic and asked the locals. And it gets worse: the Eskimo-Inuit don't live in igloos. They don't even rub their noses together! Hearing this, I began wondering what other myths surround the world's far-flung places. But first, those Eskimos...

POLAR BEARS COVER THEIR NOSES WHEN STALKING PREY. OR DO THEY? SEE OVER...

HOW MANY WORDS FOR SNOW?

For one thing, any comparison is meaningless because there isn't a single Eskimo language but a whole variety of Eskimo tongues—though this hasn't stopped us bunching the whole lot together. In the 1940s, the linguist Benjamin Whorf put the number of Eskimo-Inuit snow words at a modest seven. By the 1970s the number had crept up to 50, and in 1984 The New York Times gamely plumped for 100.

But even assuming there was a single Eskimo language, such totals mean nothing. When describing snow (or anything else), the EskimoInuit add a suffix or prefix to root words, while we might say "wet snow" or "slippery snow" or "deep-and-crispand-even snow". The result is, nonetheless, pleasingly precise:qanniq denotes falling snow; piqsiq is snow lifted up by wind; uangniut is snow accumulated by a north-west wind; and aniuk is snow for drinking water. The English language also does pretty well—blizzard, sleet, slush, powder-snow, white-out, snowstorm, hail, snowdrift, flurry..

POLAR BEARS COVER THEIR NOSES WHEN STALKING PREY

It might seem like a sensible ploy—they have black, giveaway noses, after all. But there's no substance to this claim—or to another myth, that they're left-handed. These highly proficient hunters do rise up, however, waving both paws when excited. It's this, perhaps, that's encouraged tales among travellers and Eskimos alike of their cunning—including that they fashion ice walls to hide behind.

IGLOOS

Shelters made out of snow are indeed constructed and fashioned from snowy bricks, just as we like to imagine.

ESKIMOS RUBBING NOSES

To the first European explorers it might have looked as if Eskimos were doing this—clad in hefty furs, little else seemed possible. But typically the Eskimo-Inuit embrace —a more intimate expression of affection for them—is to inhale deeply, savouring your loved one's hair.

Except the Eskimo-Inuit rarely lived in them for long periods and, disappointingly, the elders that I met had never heard of them. In truth, these are coastal peoples who traditionally foraged for driftwood, whalebones, stones and turf to construct their camps, saving snow-houses for hunting excursions or migrations.

BAD-TEMPERED CAMELS

Perhaps because they also inhabit a world ii '- almost impossibly exotic to us, camels, like V Eskimos, attract numerous myths: those humps contain fat, not water; camels don't spit, nor carry it syphilis (though they do regurgitate their cud at those who displease them, and that's bad enough). As for them being irritable, camels do tend to make a bit of a fuss, but actually they're very affectionate once you've gained their trust.

Perhaps their reputation stems from those we encounter as tourists—visiting the Pyramids, say. They groan at their unhappy lot, slowly rising to their feet and grudgingly plodding off through the sands. But from the camel point of view, the average tripper—adorned with factor 20, and with flapping sun hat and snapping camera—isn't a happy prospect. To cope in the desert, the camel must behave in a way that increases his chances of survival, so he naturally favours the company of those who aren't passers-by. All others are a waste of precious energy.

BIG BAD WOLVES

This one must date from our distant past, when the wolf was an arch-rival, preying on our nomadic herds, and a threat to our existence. But examine the scientific literature and there are only one or two substantiated attacks on humans—and even then you'll find it's not certain who was to blame. On the contrary, wolves have learned to survive by avoiding man. I discovered this when I visited a wolf researcher in Poland: he'd been studying a pack for three years and had yet to see them. European and other wolves do attack livestock—I couldn't help noticing that nearby Polish sheepdogs wore armour plating to help them do battle. But, in truth, the only wolf that comes

PENGUINS FALLING BACKWARDS

This story seems to have its origins in the Falklands War. When jet fighters zoomed overhead, the poor penguins, not a little inquisitive, were said to lean back and back until finally keeling over. Pilots reported them toppling like dominoes as they gazed skyward. In fact, penguins are wonderfully adept at maintaining their footing. Sadly, the likely explanation is that the colonies were in panic, fleeing this ghastly intrusion.

4 near man is the dog, which learned long ago to be submissive and make itself useful.

THE SEVENTH WAVE IS BIGGEST

It's something that's often repeated, and as a child I believed it—even before reading Papillon.You'll remember that Papillon, the French convict, swore that the one way to escape the notorious Devil's Island—and specifically its sharks—was to be carried off by that seventh mighty swirl. I went there myself, and waited and waited. Many came, but the seventh waves were on average no stronger than the fifth or sixth, or indeed the rest.

In all my travels since, I've watched ocean shores, waiting in vain for that great seventh wave...

"WE MET CANNIBALS!"

No you didn't. I remember a well-known TV presenter, deep in the forests of New Guinea, introducing his task of that week: to live with notorious maneaters. They certainly looked the part, bristling with arrows, and with bones through their noses. But I'd lived with the same people 20 years before, and they hadn't been cannibals then. In all my experience, it's always been the same—endless tales, and not one substantiated case (they had eaten the evidence, perhaps?).

There is, of course, the oft-cited example of the Fore, a people of the Papua New Guinean uplands. They suffer from kuru, a variant of "mad cow disease", and in their case it does seem to have been transferred through the ingestion of skull contents.

In the Congo, too, there are credible eye-witness accounts from Victorian missionaries such as the respected George Grenfell, and horrifying contemporary reports of armies indulging in the practice to embolden their recruits and overawe enemies. But these are rare aberrations—and the rest is largely the stuff of colourful travellers' tales. I say "largely" because there's a second source for these myths: the indigenous people themselves. Just like many a traveller, they find it useful at times to "big up" their reputation. If you inhabit the fetid swamps and malarial

DEADLY PIRANHAS

I've swum with them; I've even gutted fish among them, initiating a feeding frenzy. But, in all my jungle years, I've never been bitten by a piranha, nor heard of a single victim. There's no doubt about their appetite or the sharpness of their teeth, but ask the South Americans and they'll tell you piranhas are a menace only sometimes in the dry season, when cut off in pools and starved. That's not to

say they don't inflict injury—you might lose a finger or toe when you fish for them and they flop about in your canoe. But I suspect more people die choking on piranha than are ever eaten themselves: they are spectacularly bony.

forest margins, there's considerable merit in being left well alone to get on with the business of surviving.

As for the Fore, those cannibals of Papua New Guinea, the ones with that disease you get from eating the grey matter of your dead...that's a ritual practice, more to do with the afterlife than making the most of your enemy. Christianity has, symbolically, much the same ritual at its core in the Holy Communion.

CHAMELEONS CHANGE COLOUR TO MATCH THEIR ENVIRONMENT

While many chameleons do change colour, this is often less to do with camouflage and more to do with their mood and temperature. A chameleon might, if too cold, turn a darker shade to absorb more heat. Or it might turn a lighter colour to reflect the sun and so cool down.

Moreover, chameleons often change skin colour as a signalling device—some, such as the panther chameleon, transform into a vivid orange to scare off predators, while others flash bright colours to attract a mate. The brighter the colour a male is able to display, the more dominant. Equally, he might communicate his submission with a dull tone, and a female might reject undesired courtiers by warding them off with her own skin signals. Thus the act of standing out can be more important than that of blending in. But, as I've often found on my travels, the truth is just as interesting as the myth. ■

>> Explorer and adventurer Benedict Allen is currently writing an historical novel about the Congo.

FANCY THAT! THE CLOCK IS TICKING (RELIABLY)

In 1860, Big Ben was the most accurate public clock in the world, but the definition of "accurate" has changed since then. Not content with modern-day atomic clocks—which neither gain nor lose a second in 138 million years—scientists are now proposing a timekeeper based on the orbiting of a neutron around a nucleus. This would neither gain nor lose one-twentieth of a second in 14 billion years (the age of the universe). Handy for making perfect boiled eggs.

Just one

short article

was to change the way the world thought about smoking

HOW WE STARTED A

BY MAX PEMBERTON, RD MEDICAL WRITER

Nearly 60 years ago, in December 1952, Reader's Digest ran a brief article called "Cancer by the Carton". It became arguably the most important piece of consumer-health journalism ever written. The article alerted the public to a growing concern within medical circles that smoking was a risk factor for lung cancer.

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It was already known that smoking could irritate the mucous lining of the mouth, nose and throat, and aggravate chronic bronchitis and tonsillitis. But some suspected it was far more dangerous. Dr James Ewing, a US pathologist involved in the American Association for Cancer Research, had pleaded for an educational campaign into the possible risks of cancer in the 1920s. But without conclusive evidence, his and other researchers' concerns were not heard above the roar of the tobacco-industry marketing machine, and the general scepticism of the medical profession. The public continued to smoke with no awareness of the risks—until RD got involved. By the early 1950s, compelling research that there might be a connection between cigarettes and cancer was beginning to emerge. But this was before TV and the internet—for most people, the quiet murmurings in medical circles about cancer concerns were never heard. Our

"Cancer by the Carton" was referred to several times in the first episode of Mad Men. The Lucky Strike cigarette brand was fictional ad agency Sterling Cooper's main client

article changed all that, and sent shock waves around the world.

In simple terms, it reported on research published in the Journal of the American Medical Association earlier in the year, which showed that "the increase in lungcancer mortality shows a suspicious parallel to the enormous increase in cigarette consumption". It also cited— alongside other pieces of research now considered seminal—the conclusion of an investigation carried out by the Medical Research Council of England and Wales that "above the age of 45, the to.

risk of developing the disease [lung cancer] increases in simple proportion to the amount smoked". Finally, the public was being told.

It was a brave, bold decisionto publish and take on the formidable tobacco giants. Before then, there had only been a few articles to suggest that smoking was in any way bad for you. The tobacco industry shrugged these off and continued to see sales soar, thanks in no small part to intensive advertising campaigns, often fronted by doctors themselves.

The fallout from the RDarticle resulted in the first decline in tobacco sales since the Second World War. It was suddenly being discussed around the globe. (Both my grandparents gave up smoking on the day they heard about the article!)

The outcry was so great that the Tobacco Industry Research Committee was forced to release a statement saying, "We believe our products are not injurious to health," and, 'We always have, and always will, cooperate closely with those whose

task it is to safeguard the public health." But privately they were panicking. Their main response to health fears was to promote filtered cigarettes. For the first time, the tobacco industry was on the back foot, and it's never recovered.

It took another ten years for the Royal College of Physicians to publish its influential "Smoking and Health" report, and 12 years for the US Surgeon General's 1964 report. At last the link between tobacco and cancer came to be broadly accepted by the medical profession. The fact that the public was alerted to the link long before it became established fact means that countless people were prompted to stop smoking before their doctor told them to. Concern about the article undoubtedly helped speed up research and galvanise the medical world.

As reporter Alistair Cooke wrote in 1954, "In the social history of our time, it may well be that the Reader's Digest will come to claim a decisive part in dating the fashion of cigarette smoking." I think that claim can now be made. ■

SMOKING THROUGH THE AGES

1920s

Une cigarette? C'est chic!

Fashion legend Coco Chanel (pictured right) was rarely photographed without a cigarette. In 2009, however, a poster for biopic Coco avant Chanel was pulled by the French authorities because it showed its star Audrey Tautou toting a ciggy in a classic Chanel pose.

1930s

"Smoke yourself slimmer" was the message to women, playing on nicotine's appetite-suppressant properties.

MANIFESTO FOR A SMOKEFREE BRITAIN

Seven steps to help people stub it out for good

BY SUSANNAH HICKLING, RD HEALTH EDITOR

1942

"Shall we just have a cigarette on it?" asks Paul Henreid of Bette Davis during the finale of romantic film Now, Voyager. "Yes," replies Davis breathily, as the lover who can't be hers lights two fags and hands her one. They stand staring into each other's eyes, enveloped in smoke.

Health campaigns, higher tobacco taxes and various restrictions on where you can light up have helped reduce the number of regular smokers from 45 per cent to 20 per cent of UK adults since 1974. Not bad—but if we follow this seven-point plan, we reckon cigarettes could be almost a thing of the past within a generation.

1. Laying down the law

After the bans on smoking in public places, cigarettevending machines, tobacco advertising and—by 2015—having fags on public display in any shop, the next law anti-smoking experts favour is forcing cigarettes into plain packaging.

Australia will introduce this measure in December, with the luxurious designs found on UK packets replaced with olive-green backgrounds (research has shown it's the most unappealing -

1952

A spectacular own goal by Stanley eiptrA Matthews, STANLEYMATTHEWS

one of Britain's

greatest

"A—ektxfootballers, 62AVEN

back when ciggies were thought to be healthy. King George VI, who had lung cancer, died the same year and, in 1954, epidemiologists Richard Doll and Austin Bradford Hill would publish research linking smoking to the disease.

colour to consumers), brand names in standard lettering, and pictures of cancerous tumours and other grim effects of smoking.

"Plain cartons de-glamourise the habit," says Amanda Sandford, research manager for Action on Smoking and Health. "Packaging is not called the 'silent salesman' for nothing."

Banning smoking in cars that carry children is the British Lung Foundation's big campaigning issue. But Labour MP and ardent anti-smoking campaigner Alex Cunningham believes it should be stopped in any vehicle. "The concentration of tobacco smoke is far greater than if people are smoking in the street."

Moreover, Professor Linda Bauld of the University of Stirling Management School, a leading authority on health policy, says, "We could do much more

1971-1990

to make school grounds, children's play areas and parks smoke-free."

Spain has outlawed smoking, not only in parks and playgrounds, but also at the entrance to schools and hospitals. In New York, you can no longer go out for a snout on beaches, in parks, sports grounds, or even Times Square. Bauld believes similar bans in the UK would discourage youngsters, particularly, from taking up the habit.

2. Catch 'em young

Two-thirds of smokers start before they're 18. So how do we prevent this?

Professor Bauld thinks peer-led prevention schemes show promise.

A recent "Stop Smoking in Schools" trial in Wales and the West Country, funded by the Medical Research Council, recruited popular pupils to chat to their friends about the dangers of tobacco. Smoking rates

1972

Irish Marlboro became comedian the world's bestDave selling cigarette Allen sat thanks to on a bar Marlboro Man. stool and There were, smoked in fact, a whole throughout his series, many BBC shows. His struggle of them real to give up inspired a cowboys, hilarious-but-heartfelt between 1954 1984 routine in which he and 1998. At joked, "I even used to least two died smoke between smokes!" of lung cancer.

ILLUSTRATED BY ALAN DALBY

in participating secondaries were 23 per cent lower after a year than in other schools.

But Bauld points out that children who live with a smoker are three times more likely to take up the habit, so, above all, we need to persuade parents to quit.

3. Don't go It alone

Some 50 per cent of participants in the NHS's Stop Smoking Service manage to quit within four weeks —around four times the proportion who make it just by going cold turkey, and an estimated three times the amount who quit using only nicotine-replacement therapy (NRT), such as patches, inhalators or prescription medication (though it's not clear how many people start smoking again, however they've tried to quit).

Why? As well as NRT, the service

1990

Smoking on planes is almost unheard of these days, but it was only 22 years ago that British Airways banned it on transatlantic flights, taking its lead from US domestic flights. It wasn't just about secondhand smoke. A Boeing 707 had crashed between Paris and Rio in 1973, killing 123, after a toilet fire, probably caused by a discarded butt.

provides face-to-face advice from trained advisers. Smoking-related diseases cost the NHS £2.7bn a year, but the Stop Smoking Service has just £84.3m of funding and supports just eight per cent of the Britons who are trying to quit smoking—so expanding it would seem very cost-effective. Alternatively, the stop-smoking charity Quit offers smokers Skype counselling, and the Department of Health has created "quit apps" for mobiles.

4. Try bribery!

It may be controversial, but promising smokers a little something to quit may reap rewards. A prime example is the Tayside scheme Give It Up for Baby, which since 2006 has offered mums-to-be £12.50 (along with NRT and counselling) to buy fruit and vegetables if they stay off the fags. Forty-two of the 213 participants ►

1994

Uma Thurman smoulders in this poster for Pulp Fiction, proving that smoking remained sexy, despite the fact we all knew it could kill. It may not have quite the same allure today, but it's still in the public eye. The UK Centre for Tobacco Control Studies recently found that characters lit up in 59 per cent of a selection of popular films from the past 20 years.

in 2009 were smoke-free by the time they had their baby.

"The incentive tips them into quitting," explains Paul Ballard, deputy director of public health at NHS Tayside. "It's also a reminder that the health of their baby is critically important."

Indeed, Tayside has now widened the scheme to the general populace with even greater success— half of its participants quit smoking inside four weeks.

5. Get a hit minus the hurt

Some of the most exciting horses in the anti-smoking stable are "e-cigarettes", which look realistic and have atomisers that emit hot, nicotine-laden vapour into your throat, just like inhaling cigarette smoke—but without the usual harmful substances. They're cheaper than fags, too, but haven't yet had an unequivocal thumbs-up—in theory, manufacturers can put almost

any chemical in them, so regulation is needed to unleash their potential.

But, says Professor Robert West, professor of epidemiology and public health at University College, London, "They [could be] the game-changer."

6. Create a media storm

Publicity campaigns have had a big impact on smoking in the past. The number of people going to NHS quit clinics doubled after one early 2000s campaign that featured shocking images such as fat dripping out of cigarettes to show how they clogged up arteries.

"Social media seems to be an area where something powerful could be achieved today," says advertising executive Clare Hutchinson, who worked on the "fat" campaign while at agency Abbott Mead Vickers. Indeed, there's a feeling among experts I spoke to that the likes of Facebook and 2008

The ban on puffing away in enclosed public places had already been in force for a year by the time shocking images like this began to appear on the front of UK fag packets.

YouTube, which are good at reaching the young, could be used more. Further, a recent Royal College of Physicians paper claimed that the BBC showed people smoking in more than a third of programmes. In Spain, lighting up is banned on TV, and anti-smoking gurus such as Sir John Britton, director of the UK Centre for Tobacco Control Studies, Nottingham, think Britain should do the same.

7. Tackle the problem at source "So much policy debate focuses on the smokers, rather than the [creators] of their dependence— tobacco firms," says Professor Hilary Graham, a government adviser on health inequalities.

She's particularly interested in the Truth Counter-Marketing Campaign in Florida some 15 years ago, which was funded by a mixture of state government and charitable trusts.

OCTOBER

2011

It aimed to show youngsters how companies make cigarettes attractive, but are just out to make money from them. In two years, youth smoking in Florida dropped seven per cent. Another promising US initiative is the Food and Drug Administration's investigation into the plausibility of making cigarettes non-addictive by removing the nicotine. "In that case, there's no doubt people would stop smoking," says Professor Robert West.

This manifesto Is ambitious, and you might think much of it will never be achieved. But look how far we've come in the battle against smoking in recent years.

Says 56-year-old Professor West, "We need to up our game, but I think that within my lifetime smoking will become about as common as heroin use." •

A worker removes a cigarettevending machine from the Black Horse pub in Findon, West Sussex, just before the recent ban came into force. Ban on selling cigarettes from vending machines comes into force COMING VERY SOON...

Could smoking become t a thing of the past in the UK within the next few years?

James Nesbitt

...GROWING UP IN THE COUNTRY.

My father was my headmaster in the very small and now seemingly archaic environment of a rural primary school of 30 kids. It was in Lisnamurrican, a village near Ballymena in Northern Ireland. So many of my memories are informed by that world—there were only two classrooms, and my father taught me. It was an idyllic time—my three older sisters and I would meet up in the morning with the other kids, many of them farmers' children, and walk to school. If the weather was good, we'd go outside to explore the fields, the flora and fauna, or play sport, or else spend days reading or swimming. It was well before Ofsted and the incredible prevalence ofexams that you get nowadays.

...POTATO HOLIDAYS.

Once a year, when we were only about nine

or ten, the school would close for two or three days because we'd all go off to gather potatoes. My father would wake us up at half five in the morning and we'd jump on a trailer attached to the back of a tractor, with lots of other kids. Then, with our flask and sandwiches, we'd head off to the farm. A tractor would go by turning up potatoes and, by the time it got up the field and came back again, you had to have picked up the spuds and put them on a strip of land called the drill.

The greatest potato gatherers were the old women who'd been doing it for years, who could work on very long drills. Their strength was incredible. What was brilliant, too, were the breaks. They'd give you a call and there'd be hot, sugary tea and jam sandwiches. To this day, that still frames my impressions of my childhood—a very happy one, a free one.

...MY MUM STAYED HOME UNTIL I WAS THREE. Then she went off to work for the Housing Executive in Northern Ireland. So I started school, although I was very young to be there. I had a teacher called Mrs Foster who'd always tell

James and older sister Andrea, winners at Ballymena Fels, 1972

Little Jimmy, aged five and a half, proud winner of the junior talent competition at Butlins, Mosney (July 1970). In case you were wondering, he clinched it by belting out the theme to Z-Cars. Opposite, James today

stories about me coming in late. I was a great sleeper and napped in class.

My mum was very popular in her workplace. She was a great storyteller— all of my acting and humour came from her. And she never had a sip of alcohol in her life—she was funny enough without!

...I GREW UP AMONG GIRLS.

My mum had three sisters, my granny had sisters, I had three sisters, and my father had sisters, too! So I couldn't help but spend a lot of time with them. It meant that I grew up loving women, in a sense —never being uncomfortable in their company. It probably brought its own problems as well, but it certainly stopped me developing any kind of misogyny.

But, of course, I tried to escape them, too. I'd go off by myself a lot and spend hours just kicking a ball against a wall...

From far away, we saw Dad running towards the car, so we went to meet him and ran to shelter. About ten minutes later, we heard a dull thud—an explosion. The bomb had been in the vehicle next to ours, so our car was destroyed by the blast, too. The doors were blown off and the seats ruined. But we'd picked up a dozen eggs on our way there, and they were somehow still perfectly intact inside the car.

...MOVING HOUSE TO COLERAINE, DERRY, where I attended a much larger senior school of about 1,300 boys

With his dad, also called James, in 1980

...A CLOSE CALL. We were aware of the Troubles, but there were very few bombs anywhere near Ballymena. One day, though, when I was about ten, my dad went to pay his tax at the local county hall. My sister and I fell asleep in our car while he was inside, and we both woke up to what I thought was an alarm, but it was actually a bell and noise from people fleeing the building. We saw them running away but didn't know what was going on, so we just sat in the car until the old security man came down and shouted, "Get out, get out—there's a bomb!"

—a big change. Although I was overawed by the scale of it, I had a lot of confidence from having the three older sisters, a very free childhood, and also coming from a family filled with love. So I adapted quickly. I was lucky enough to be pretty sporty and quite bright—although not very applied—and I got on with everyone.

...THE PAIN AND PLEASURE OF BEING A TEENAGER. When I was about 14, I went on holiday to Bournemouth with my best friend Alistair and his family. It's a terrible age in a way, because you're so interested in girls, but you've got no ability with them whatsoever! It's a year of paralysis. You have all these feelings —some of lust, but a lot of love—and the inability to express all of that is pure torture! I remember us going to a roller disco, and leaving, having failed to get anybody to roller skate with us. As we

PH OTOGRAPHS COU RTFSY OF LAMPS NFSRITT

As a jaunty Pied Piper at the Riverside Theatre, 1979

walked back home, it was as if our worlds had collapsed. But I thoroughly enjoyed navigating my teenage years. I loved the awkwardness, the falling in love, the courting and misbehaving with friends.

...CALLING BINGO IN PORTRUSH FOR A COUPLE OF SUMMERS.

I can still remember all the names of the numbers: Colt [45], Heinz varieties [57], Big Jim's den [ten]... It's such an odd thing for a 15-year-old boy to do, but I loved it.

...AFTER A GAME OF RUGBY ONE DAY, MY DAD TOOK ME ASIDE. There was a local playhouse called the Riverside Theatre. My dad said, "Come on, we're going down there—they're auditioning for Oliver." When we arrived, the auditions were over, but we tracked the director down and I sang him Bohemian Rhapsody. I got the part of the Artful Dodger. That was a really brilliant Christmas—not only did I get to skip school to rehearse, I also remember loving the backstage nerves on opening night and the success of it. I was hooked then, and began to consider acting as a profession. I got my Equity

I loved the awkwardness, the falling in love, the courting and misbehaving with friends...

card [for the actors' union] there when I was 16, because I was working backstage and the guy who was playing Jiminy Cricket in a production of Pinocchio broke his foot the night before it opened and I took over.

...BEING SEEN AS A "PADDY" WHEN I ARRIVED AT THE CENTRAL SCHOOL OF SPEECH AND DRAMA, IN LONDON [IN 1984]. I was a Protestant who also felt very Irish, but who steered away from politics. Northern Ireland was perceived to be this place of conflict, but I loved it and knew how beautiful it was. The "young radicals" at drama school were middle-class and very "pro" the Republican movement, and assumed that I'd be like that, too. But, with my background, I didn't necessarily agree, and I felt they were ill-educated. I was very much seen as an outsider—so it was a confusing time.

...GETTING CUT BACK DOWN TO SIZE. I'd spent a summer playing Jesus in a production of Godspell when I was 17, in front of an audience of 1,500 people

every night. Playing the Messiah when you're 17 is a pretty magnificent thing to do! So I was quite cocky when I got to drama school, and it was knocked out of me because I met so many people who were so much more talented.

Also, I'd been very naïve. I remember, in the first term, being in the canteen and hearing girls from my year talking about their periods. I thought, Oh my God! This

the victims...everything was in place to find many of the reasons why this conflict happened and claimed so many lives.

...BECOMING MATES WITH SIR ALEX FERGUSON—A DREAM COME TRUE!

I grew up adoring Manchester United—

With Helen Baxendale 'n Cold Feet, left, and as Ivan Cooper, leader of the fateful march, in Bloody Sunday

would never happen in Northern Ireland! For a country that was at the forefront of the political news agenda, we were very backward in some ways...

...I GOT LUCKY WITH WORK.

I loved acting in [BBC dramas] Jekyll and Murphy's Law, Five Minutes of Heaven [2009 feature film], and now The Hobbit [due for release in December]—my career's been very blessed. But in terms of where I felt I was achieving something, I felt at one with Bloody Sunday [2002]. It was a real awakening for me. I think (and I'm not talking about myself here) that the film is a masterpiece. It included every symbol from the Troubles—the characters at the heart of it, the army, the relatives,

I had their poster on my wall. When I started doing charity work with Unicef, I went to Bengal to publicise the work the club had been doing with them in funding the education of disadvantaged children. So I got to meet quite a few of the team. Then I got to meet Alex at a charity do about ten years ago and, slowly but surely, we became quite good friends. He's a great listener and, if I ever want advice, Alex is always at the end of the phone—an extraordinary by-product of how my life's turned out. He's an incredibly wise, compassionate, funny man.

...OH, AND I ALSO HAD TWO DAUGHTERS! I was there for their births. They were both supposed to be born at home, but with Peggy, my eldest [now 14], it was quite traumatic. I won't go into too much detail, but she was a real emergency. We were rushed through the streets of London to King's Hospital, where she was born by Caesarean. A wonderful woman called Maggie, who delivered Peggy, reached in...and, as she pulled her out, her words were, "Look what I've found!" It was very moving. And Mary [now ten] was born at home, in the bathroom—she came flying out at me, screaming and puking. Everybody in interviews always feels

bound to say, "Yes, it was the most amazing thing in my life," but it takes time to build that. Now, they are unquestionably the main reason I feel so blessed in life.

...TRAVELLING THE WORLD WITH UNICEF.

There was inevitably some criticism of my doing a lot of charity work—some people say it's self-serving and, in a way, it is, because I've got so much out of it. I did the trip to India with Man United, then several more to the developing world.

When I arrived on my first visit, I thought, Oh my God, I can't handle this. Very quickly, though, you realise that

children are the same all over the world. They laugh and cry at the same things. But, because of an accident of birth, some of them have it incredibly hard. You soon realise it's not about you—you're just there as a communication channel, and you also realise how much can be done for how little. I think it's had an impact on my children, because I'm able to relate the experience, and I hope they will pass it on, too. ■

As told to Ellie Rose

» James is an ambassador for Unicef. Unicef's fundraising celebrity match Soccer Aid 2012 will air on ITV1 on May 27.

QUESTIONS FROM HISTORY ANSWERED, PART 1

When did women first sit on a jury in Britain? After the Sex Disqualification Removal Act of 1919, 50 women were summoned to sit at the Old Bailey, and two eventually sat after several appealed for exemption. The first was Mary Burnett, who complained that her six shillings a day expenses should be reimbursed.

1921 saw the first women jurors at a murder trial—of "the Whistling Milkman" George Bailey. The judge insisted that 'the ladies' should have a tea break, and the prosecuting barrister, confused about the new form of address, switched from "Gentlemen of the jury" to "Ladies and gentlemen..." People thought that women shouldn't have to listen to stories of highly unpleasant criminal acts, and worried that they would be stared at by alleged killers. But Miss Tack, who ran a farm in Buckinghamshire, told the press that she could "go through it again". She only complained about the uncomfortable seats. Stephen Wade

At a family party in Ireland with daughters and wife Sonia, February 2012

On a pretty playing field close to the Surrey border, the unlikely thwack of willow on leather is giving young Afghans something to play for

BY CRISPIN ANDREWS

PHOTOGRAPHED

BY BARRY MARSDEN

Fourteen-year-old Amit* dreamt of batting like Sachin Tendulkar. Whenever he and his friends played cricket on the dusty plains outside their village, he'd pretend to be the Indian legend. But even the Little Master, with all his steely resolve at the crease, would have struggled to become a sporting success with Amit's upbringing.

The young Afghan lived in an impoverished community where the locals eked out an existence from farming and made their homes in little shacks with no electricity, TV or phones. At school, Amit and his friends sat on the floor, with a chalk and a slate each, but no books. Far worse, the ongoing conflict between the Taliban and Western forces meant death and terror were never far away. ■

Me ET OR WHITES

• But, just over four years later, Amit is tasting cricketing triumph. He raises his fist with joy after hitting the winning runs in another victory for his team in London's Afghan Premier League. Teammates and onlookers cheer; opponents hoot.

The competition may not be the Indian Premier League, where Sachin earns millions playing in front of packed stadiums. But the one-off spring tournament at charity Cricket for Change's southLondon base means a huge amount to the participants. For the 40 or so Afghan teenagers—joined by a handful of Tamils and Bangladeshis—are refugees, playing the game they love in safety.

Back in Afghanistan, there'd be no more cricket bats for many of the older boys—just AK-47s. In 200Z Amit's brother disappeared from their village north of Musa Qala.

if he accepted, he could be killed by the Western allies. So she paid an Afghan agent to sneak Amit into Britain.

"There were 20 of us in the back of a lorry for many months," Amit, now 18, says. When he first arrived in 2008, he was taken to a detention centre before being placed with a foster family—as all unaccompanied under-16 asylum seekers are. For six months he felt friendless and isolated. Then someone at his school told him about Cricket for Change.

Now he turns up for the training sessions every week at the charity's wellappointed Wallington ground. "I've met

"NO ONE'S JUDGING THEM OR TELLING THEM WHAT TO DO HERE"

"My uncle was in politics and had asked my father to join him," Amit says. "My father refused, and soon afterwards he disappeared. Then my older brother was also taken. No one has seen them since. Maybe they're fighting the Americans. Maybe they're dead."

The "politics" Amit is hinting at is membership of the Taliban, and his mother knew that he was no longer safe. Now the eldest son, he, too, would be expected to fight. Like many locals, the family had no love for the Taliban, but if Amit refused to join, he could be shot;

many new people here," he says. "It really helps boys settle into this country."

In the summer, the boys—referred to the scheme by the Refugee Council—play outdoors, often against local teams. When it's wet, they head to the centre's sports hall. All year, they can chill out in the pavilion, and they can also get advice on their asylum application from visiting Refugee Council volunteers.

"The young people have a safe space here," says coach Danny Baker, 29. "They can play cricket, sit on their own, watch

TV, or read a book No one's judging them or telling them what to do."

Getting these youngsters to relax into their new sporting surroundings can be hard. Karim* was 15 when he first came to the club, three years ago. He, too, had lost his father to the Taliban, and had left his mother and three sisters in a small village to flee Afghanistan in a lorry.

During the journey, white European agents insulted and hit him, so when Danny first went to shake his hand, the coach got a kick in the shin for his troubles. Karim had also been racially abused in the street when he arrived in Britain

and, after years of watching his back, he'd fallen in with a bad crowd and was drifting towards petty crime.

But being part of a cricket team soon gave him a more trusting world view.

"Whether you're out for a duck or take five wickets, you're responsible for and contributing towards your own and others' success," says Danny. "You get recognition for batting, bowling and fielding, not being a troublemaker."

Karim's focus has shifted to bowling as fast as Hameed Hassan, Afghanistan's

star player. "I'm medium pace now, but one day I will be like him," he says. He also works as a Cricket for Change apprentice, learning how to coach younger children, and wants to run his own business when he leaves college.

The Premier League matches—a sixa-side, 20-balls-an-innings form of cricket known as Street20—look chaotic, with balls covered in tape (to mimic the movement of leather ones, without the pain!) flying everywhere, panic-stricken running between the wickets, and lots of screaming and shouting. But the atmosphere is tolerant and warm, something that most

of these youngsters—often from strict religious backgrounds—have never had. Controlled and suppressed for most of their lives, they can express themselves without fear of disapproval.

"No one's expecting them to keep up a grim-faced charade," Danny says. "These youngsters had to grow up very quickly back home. Here, they can be kids, talk about computers, films and girls—anything they want.

"A lot of them have been let down many times," he adds. "So if you say there'll r

HOW CRICKET IS MAKING THE WORLD SMILE

• The Courtney Walsh Foundation uses the sport to teach youngsters about ,Plab., responsibility in the ,, 014, disadvantaged communities of Kingston, , Jamaica, where the West Indian legend (left) grew up.

• Japan Cricket Association sends coaches into 250 schools in the tsunami-hit northeast of the country. The youngsters play Kwik Cricket, using plastic bats and rubber balls. The new

sport provides a diversion from the disaster's aftereffects, and the association always leaves a cricket set behind so that pupils can carry on playing.

• The Maasai Cricket Warriors team (below), whose members come from the semi-nomadic tribe, run HIV-prevention courses in the Laikipia region of Kenya. They attract participants to the sessions whom medics alone would fail to reach.

• The Cricket Foundation's StreetChance project (above) keeps children positively engaged in several British innercity areas. The Met and other police forces provide coaches.

4 be a game, there has to be game. If you tell them someone is coming to advise them on their asylum case, that person has to show up. If you promise that they can improve their skills, you have to provide the coaches."

Though Cricket for Change set up the asylum-seekers' project in 2009, the charity dates back to 1981, when it started running games for disadvantaged youngsters after the Brixton riots. It now provides an alternative to boredom and gang culture in several deprived London areas, organising Street20 games anywhere from basketball courts to small public spaces on estates. The charity also coaches in young offenders' institutes and organises matches for disabled children. It travels abroad, too. In 2008, Danny and his

colleagues were in Sri Lanka, teaching child soldiers life skills through cricket. In November 2010, they taught boys—and girls—in Kabul how to play Street20. And, last February, they coached a mixed group of Israeli and Palestinian children on the West Bank.

As well as bringing people together and boosting self-esteem, Cricket for Change is hot on teaching respect. Karim, angry at being given out, has flung his heavy cricket bat across the pitch. He's lucky no one's hurt. Throwing your bat across a dressing room might be OK for some club cricketers, but not here. Time for a chat, then.

"We use what happens in the games to show youngsters the consequences of their actions," Danny says. He gathers the

group round and reminds everyone of the importance of umpires.

One lad agrees. "People would cheat, argue and fight [without them]," he says. Another adds that if you lose your temper when things don't go your way, at school or on the streets, you'll get into trouble.

"Let the captain talk to the umpire at the end of the game," Karim says eventually. "Don't shout or throw your bat." Later, during a quiet moment, Karim apologises to the match official.

Surrey youth team last year. If their team wins its next game, they'll take the trophy, and Amit needs his bowler to perform.

"It's like a family here," Abdul says. "We come once a week and remind ourselves of happy times back home playing in the streets."

"WE USE THE GAMES TO SHOW YOUNGSTERS THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR ACTIONS"

It's not just respect for umpires that's on the agenda, either. After the game, PC Simon Harris from the Metropolitan Police gives a talk about the need for stop and search. "In Afghanistan, the police beat and shoot people," he says. "It's no wonder that these kids can be scared of us. But they feel comfortable here; more receptive to our message."

That's out! Karim is bowling and has taken a wicket with a faster-than-usual delivery. As the batter walks off, Karim nods, acknowledging his opponent. Hameed Hassan would be proud.

On the sidelines, Amit is psyching up Abdul*, a fast bowler who played for the

After three years at the centre, Amit is the main man, the one new arrivals look to. He's now fluent in English, is doing a BTEC in applied science, and has become a Cricket for Change coach. Danny hopes that he'll run the project eventually. He's also doing work experience with a local osteopath, and wants to study medicine.

"Where I came from, it's difficult to be a doctor," Amit says. "You have to pay money, or be the child of a minister."

He worries that his asylum application will fail, and he'll be forced to return to Afghanistan. "If I go back, they'll catch me," he says—afraid, even 3,500 miles away, to mention the Taliban by name. "They disappeared my brother and father, so they might think I want revenge."

But, for now, Amit is safe. He has a future—as a cricket coach or maybe a doctor, but certainly as a leader. He can dream like any other 18-year-old. ■

READER SPOT: POLYMATH HUNT

During a recent holiday in Thailand, I was surprised to come across this advert in a local newspaper. It seemed a rather tall order!

Submitted by Clare Pollard, Shropshire

There aren't many weeks to make the most of any summer sunshine, so make sure you plan in some trips to Britain's glorious gardens. Here are a few of our favourites

BY LOLA BORG

BEST FOR ART LOVERS

Jupiter Artland, Kirknewton, Edinburgh

A garden, yes, but also a private and impressive outdoor art collection. Twenty miles west of Edinburgh and set in the enormous grounds of 17th-century Bonnington House, it was bought by collectors Robert and Nicky Wilson a decade ago. They've lured in big names in the sculpture world—the late Ian Hamilton Finlay (whose own garden Little ►

4 Sparta inspired the venture in the first place, and who created beehives for the wildflower meadow here); Antony Gormley; architect Charles Jencks (who created an enormous landfill); and Marc Quinn (famous for his self-portrait in blood)—with the brief that the artist creates something specifically for the landscape. Visitors wander freely around the beech and oak woodland. Unusually, this garden stormed straight into The Good Gardens Guide with the highest possible rating, which gives an idea of its calibre.

Open Thursday-Sunday, 10am-5pm during the summer. Book in advance at jupiterartiand.org.

Entrance: £8.50 adults, £4.50 children aged 6-16. Jupiter Artiand Is a non-profit-making organisation, and all entry fees go to running its foundation

BEST BACK GARDEN

Tony Ridier's Garden, Swansea

Elements of a grand garden are somehow squeezed into a bog-standard terrace plot. Graphic designer Tony Ridler's garden is a long narrow strip with a rectangle at the bottom behind the family house, and has been built up with his wife over 25 years as funds became available", he says.

It's laid out in a formal structure with only a limited range of plants—box and yew topiary in topknots, and hedges, holly and fig trees, all with paths of cobbles and salvaged stone.

Open via the National Gardens Scheme on June 17, 2pm-Spm. Private visits by arrangement during May and June. Entrance: £3 adults (sorry, no children allowed on NGS Open Days)

Constantly in bloom: Biddy1ph Garden was years ahead of -. its time in usingity. microclimates

Bidduiph Grange Garden, Staffordshire

This was designed with one purpose in mind: to provide bragging rights for Victorian industrialist James Bateman, who used the family mining fortune to let loose plant hunters. He then designed a series of gardens around his rare botanical treasures using microclimates—visitors can take a whistle-stop horticultural tour of the world in the time it takes to walk the 15 acres.

Clipped yew obelisks feature in the Egyptian garden; the Chinese area has a dragon parterre and temple pool with lacquered red bridges that veer dangerously towards the kitsch; the Italian garden is all symmetry. Look out also for the largest collection of Monkey Puzzle trees in the UK. The famous Dahlia Walk is at its best in late summer.

Open every day In summer from Tlam-5.30pm.

Entrance: £7.35 adults, £3.70 children

The Italianstyle sea nymphs at York House Council Gardens

BEST INNER-CITY GARDEN

York House Council Gardens, Twickenham

There are many that vie for the title of best city oasis, but this steals it. Just over the bridge from Eel Pie Island and lying parallel to the Thames tow path, visitors stop in their tracks when they come across this sight—an over-the-top spectacle of nine nude women clambering over rocks and gambolling in lily-strewn ponds. Believed to be Italian marble Oceanides, or sea nymphs, the rococo-style "naked ladies" have had a chequered history, and it's frankly anyone's guess what they're up to.

Along with the rockery, sunken lawns and a restored Japanese garden—all attached to the grand 17th-century York House—it's a contender for the most glamorous municipal garden in the UK. Open all year; entrance is free §,

MOST ORIGINAL

Veddw House Garden, Devauden, Monmouthshire, Wales

Twenty-five years ago, Anne Wareham, author of The Bad Tempered Gardener (£16.99), and husband Charles Hawes were bursting out of their inner-city space and found a two-acre sloping plot in the Wye Valley, complete with grazing sheep. With almost no help, they set about creating a garden—"even digging out boulders by hand", says Charles, who'd hardly lifted a trowel previously. "The hedges laid down the structure

Veddw House was named one of the ten best gardens in the world by the influential Galloping Gardener blog

and steered the design," he continues. "That and local history. The Grasses Parterre, for example, is based on the tithe map of the layout of the surrounding fields." Highlights include the reflecting pool, the curvy yew hedge garden, plus the ancient wildflower meadow, unploughed for 200 years. Oh, and don't miss the black—yes, black—conservatory. Open from June 5-August 27, 2pm-5pm. Entrance: £6.50 adults, £1.50 children (those under a yard long are free)

MOST ROMANTIC

Sissinghurst Castle Garden, Kent

The family home of Vita Sackville West and Harold Nicolson, bought as a derelict plot in the 1930s. It's now famous for that old gardening cliché, the series of "rooms" —in this case, informal planting inside a

• formal structure designed to be viewed t from where Vita worked above.

z Dreamy and magical in summer (Vita said Sissinghurst was not a winter resort), a possibly the most influential area is the S` "white garden", which in reality is green and grey as well. This had a practical base

—Vita stalked the grounds at night to get to and from her 16th-century writing tower, and white blooms are visible at dusk.

r2 Arrive early in summer to avoid the crowds. Open in the summer from 10.30am-

. 5.30pm (not Wednesday or Thursday).

Entrance: £11.50 adults, £5.50 children

Mount Stewart House, County Down

If you're visiting just one garden in Northern Ireland, then this is the one.

Created in the 1930s by Edith, Lady Londonderry, a skilled plantswoman who was so hands-on she was often mistaken for a gardener, it attracted the cream of British and Irish society.

On the shores of Strangford Lough, it

has lakeside walks, lily ponds, a shamrock garden, an Italian garden, the family burial ground, a folly (the Temple of the Winds)... in fact, so many elements it merits several visits. And it's shot through with a sense of humour, such as the animal sculptures that resemble politicians of the day. Gardens are open every day from 10am6pm. Entrance: £7 adults, £3.50 children

The sculptures in Prospect Cottage Garden are largely constructed from pebbles, driftwood and scrap metal

Prospect Cottage Garden, Dungeness Road, Romney Marsh, Kent

In 1986, film director Derek Jarman made an impulse buy of an old fisherman's cottage on the beach at Dungeness. It was never going to be a traditional garden, not with the nuclear power station looming behind (or Jarman's flamboyant personality, come to that). Over the years, Jarman utilised driftwood and found stones to create sculptures, and used

ONE TO WATCH

Tremenheere Sculpture Garden, Cornwall

You can't move in Cornwall for famous gardens, including the beautiful Heligan (go, if only for the extraordinary kitchen garden). But this is something very different. The brainwave of a gardening-mad local doctor, Neil Armstrong (no relation to the astronaut, and

plants that would survive the harsh salty conditions—gorse, sedums, sea kale, clumps of yellow santolina, curry plants and hardy herbs. The garden is bleakly beautiful, and perfectly adapted to the almost lunar terrain. View in summer when there are fewer biting winds. There are no boundaries to the garden. Derek Jarman's surviving partner lives in the cottage, and he asks visitors to be sensitive to this fact

MOST EXOTIC

Sezincote Gardens, Gloucestershire

John Betjeman dubbed it "Exotic Sezincote/stately and strange," in his poem "Summoned By Bells". It's now described as the "original Brighton Pavilion"—once the Prince Regent saw this place, his head was turned.

Either way it's not exactly what you'd expect in the heart of the Cotswolds. The house, built in 1810, is Neo-Murghal style, with !9 turquoise onion-skin dome and peacock-tail arches; the garden is "renaissance with Hindu elements", and has a formal "Char Bagh" 0 layout—seen at Murghal tombs—using water to divide it into four parts. Both surreal and tranquil, the gardens have lush plantings, interconnecting ponds and statues. There's even a temple dedicated to the Indian sun god. No wonder Betjemen loved it. Open January-November on Thursdays, Fridays and bank holidays, 2pm-6pm. Entrance: £5 adults, £1.50 children

yes, he's heard that before), Tremenheere is a sheltered south-facing spot with views out to St Michael's Mount. It's a garden unattached to a house—the only structure is the circular building/sculpture by James Turret', originally designed to celebrate the 1999 eclipse.

With 14 acres of steep unstructured woodland and areas densely planted with

subtropical trees, succulents and bamboos, it's been described as having a "wild elegance". Visitors can wander freely, and it's so laidback there's no toll gate—the gardeners ask for the admission money. Open weekends and bank holidays from Easter to August bank holiday, lOpmSpm. Entrance: £6.50, adults, £3 children ■

With thanks to:

Katherine Lambert, editor of The Good Gardens Guide (Reader's Digest, £14.99); Charlotte Weychan (aka The Galloping Gardener); Laetitia Maklouf, author of Sweetpeas for Summer (£20); Ian Wright and Mark Lamey from the National Trust; and all the other gardeners who made contributions If you know a beautiful garden that you want to share with us, send an email—with a picture if possible —to theeditor@ readersdigest.co.uk

There's much more in our Best of British series—including some gardens not mentioned here— at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine

NEXT MONTH: BEERS, WINES AND CIDERS

ed school•oy a sfu I business mogul, Shed Simove has made a career of being very silly indeed

Have you ever had the feeling that you're in the wrong place at the wrong time?A nervous Howard Simmons—an unsightly brace slightly spoiling his eager young face—knew the stakes were high when, 11 years ago, he was summoned to an interview with the deputy head teacher of Kingdown Community School in Warminster, Wiltshire.

At stake—his educational future. Would he be granted a place in the school's sought-after sixth form? A few minutes into the encounter, it seemed obvious to the anxious candidate that things were heading for disaster.

"It was horrendous, the most nerve-wracking thing ever," he recalls. "My brain wasn't functioning. I could barely speak. All I could think was, My dreams are wrapped up in this."

Disaster did arrive. But not for the reason you're thinking. A few days later, Simmons received a letter telling him: "You can start at school on Monday." ►

For the interviewee was not 16-year-old Howard at all. He was a 30-year-old TV producer called Shed Simove who was sneaking his way into the school to film an undercover, hopefully career-defining Channel 4 documentary about how teachers can change pupils' lives. Shed subsequently spent nine weeks at Kingdown, during which he attended lessons and pulled the wool over the eyes of teachers and pupils alike, even holding a joint "17th birthday party" with an unsuspecting female student.

When Shed eventually revealed the truth, the staff were "bewildered, angry and humiliated", he admits. "I hurt a lot of good people and didn't mean to. When I tried to explain my motives, everything I said was like tissue paper in the air, because I'd spent nine weeks being a liar. It was really traumatic."

The deceit created a host of scathing

front-page stories, the school took legal action to stop Back to School ever being broadcast, and the staff have still not forgiven him—the former headmistress recently called Shed "a nasty, unprincipled little man" in a local newspaper article. As for Shed's television career, it seemed in ruins.

Before the scandal, he'd been a rising star TV executive, part of the creative team behind Channel 4's The Word and The Big Breakfast. Now, he was forced into hiding because newspaper photographers staked out his and his parents' homes, and production companies wanted nothing to do with him.

"From having the chance for all my ambitions to be realised, I was suddenly on my own. To see your dreams evaporate is horrendous and, for months, I was at rock bottom."

After a year of living off his savings, FROM BOYISH PRANKS TO BUSINESS HITS

NOTPAD SGT

A notepad that PEPPER looks like an iPad. MILL 30,000 sold. 45,000 sold.

SOUND MACHINE

Punctuate your life with appropriate effects like canned laughter and gunfire. 90,000 sold.

Shed was eventually allowed back into the TV industry, finding work as a commissioning editor at Channel 4. But his love affair with the medium was over—and not just because of the Kingdown fiasco.

"I suddenly felt unfulfilled. I was brimming with ideas and wanted to get them made, but TV's drawn-out commissioning processes were too slow."

Salvation came from an unlikely source—a novelty shop he passed one day. "I looked in the window and thought, Wow, someone's created all these things, then quickly had them made and distributed. It blew my mind. The novelty industry seemed perfect for me—thinking up new product after new product and just getting them out there."

Shed (real name: Sheridan—"which my parents gave me to make me unique, and also to ensure that I was bullied at school") did not come from a manufacturing background. His father Maurice owned a string of bingo clubs, and his mother Judy was a dentist. But she was

CONTROLA-MAN REMOTE

Part of a series that's sold 300,000 units.

very eccentric. "She once held an airlinethemed dinner party. She sent out invitations that looked like boarding passes, and got my dad to dress up as a pilot and the kids as stewards. All the guests were made to sit in rows, and their food was served on plastic trays with plastic cutlery. Then a film was shown on a screen at the front of our dining room."

Shed had inherited this love of wackiness and, along with his father's showmanship, felt it would stand him in good stead in the novelty industry. Plus, the Back to School debacle had reinforced a feeling that had long motivated him.

"Rather than worrying about success or failure, you should always think of life as an experiment," he says. "Scientists never fail in their experiments, they always get a result. It's just that sometimes it's not what they expect, and it takes them in a new direction."

Breaking into the novelty industry would prove a major struggle, however. "I had lots of product ideas, but it was hard to get to talk to wholesalers. Why would they see someone with no 0,

AND SOME THAT DIDN'T QUITE GET PAST THE IDEAS STAGE

FREUDIAN SLIPS. Nightgowns decorated with the face of Sigmund Freud.

A SALT AND BATTERY. Salt and pepper shakers shaped like batteries.

MOANER LISA. A 3D speaking toy in the shape of La Gioconda that says, "I don't like sprouts," and, "My parents never loved me."

DISCOUNT DRACULA. A vampire who carries an Aldi shopping bag and declares, "Give me 20 per cent off or I'll suck your blood."

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Please send me more information about the Gurkhas and how my Will helps.

lo experience? And, if I did get through the door, I wouldn't have product samples, only crude visualisations—often just a pun on a piece of paper."

Ideas that never quite made the grade included "Osama Bin Ladle" (featuring a handle shaped like the terrorist's face) and "Me Shirt" (a T-shirt with gaps to write personal information into).

in 2004, Shed realised he'd have to launch a product himself. He devised a sweet whose name, though witty, was so rude that it was refused a trademark on taste grounds. He found a company in China to make it, ordered several hundred packets (using his own money) and eventually found a specialist retailer who would stock them.

"It was a massive aggravation, back and forth with the language barrier, but I got the product to market."

Impressed, the bigger novelty wholesalers were now willing to talk to him, and over the next couple of years he put several other ideas into production. Many have grabbed the public's imagination, and are stocked by the likes of John Lewis and Debenhams—he's now sold more than a million units worldwide.

Items include the Martin Loofah King, a shower glove with a picture of the great US civil-rights leader on one side and "I have a clean" on the other. Shed's sold 25,000. His Control-A-Man remotecontrol device is an empty box for women to point at their hubbies (buttons include "listen", "tell truth", "stop snoring" and "lift loo seat"). And, along with similar devices for controlling women, kids, cats, dogs and bosses, it's part of a series that's shifted 300,000 items.

Then there's his "Credit Crunch" breakfast cereal, birthday candles that spell out "You're Old", a red-and-black moustachioed Sergeant Pepper Mill, and his best-selling book What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex.

The 200-page tome, which costs around £5, briefly outsold both Harry Potter and The Da Vinci Code in the Amazon chart when it was released last spring. It's been published in ten countries and translated into Dutch, German, Spanish and even Mongolian. It's also, apart from the front and back covers, entirely blank.

"I'm a 3D comedian but my gags take a while to craft and deliver"

"It's a 3D joke," explains Simove. "And I'm a 3D comedian—it's just that my gags take a while to craft and deliver." But Shed takes his business totally seriously, and in recent years big companies such as Barclays and Sony have asked him to share his wisdom with their staff.

"Sometimes I think, Oh my goodness, these big, corporate companies are listening to me? But the principles of entrepreneurship are universal. Unless a company innovates, it will falter. I'm brought in to encourage people to try new things and break rules. I had an idea for Chaystick [a lip balm with a familiar check pattern] and was told it wouldn't be allowed. But I talked it through with the people from ChapStick and Burberry, and it's now on the market."

Shed has had occasional hiccups on the way to success. He was recently

forced to rename his iNotepad—a jotter shaped like an iPad—after a complaint from Apple's lawyers (it's now the NotPad). And the taxman has decreed that, unlike all other published titles, What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex is not exempt from VAT because a book with no words can't count as a book. But these are trifling details. As indeed are the rare complaints he receives from customers. Shed smiles as he recalls one. "A man who'd bought my Control-A-Woman remote wrote to say that it didn't work. I replied, `Did you really expect her breasts to get bigger for £2.99?' "

Future products include the Key to Happiness, a key ring that spells out the word "happiness", and Chopping Bard, a wooden board in the shape of Shakespeare's head. Shed has also recently launched 85by55.com (the name refers to the average size in millimetres of a business card), a networking site where you can talk to potential business partners via video link-up.

He still regrets the hurt he caused with Back to School,though he maintains it was a worthwhile programme that he hopes can be shown one day. "But it taught me a huge lesson about not lying —you move on from the experience, taking the good with you and dissolving the bad. Hopefully that's what I've done all my life." ■

THE MAVERICK

"FRANCE IS BETTER THAN

BRITAIN" From bringing up their kids to keeping traditional industries going, our Gallic cousins beat us hands down, says Brian Eads

The French love a grumble.British notions such as "stiff upper lip" and "grin and bear it" are entirely alien on the other side of the Channel. In the unlikely event that a dish is incorrectly prepared in a restaurant, for instance, they'll collar the waiter and send the culinary insult back to the kitchen—expecting it to be replaced without fuss. And a BVA-Gallup poll last winter found the French to be the most pessimistic people on earth, with 37 per cent predicting that 2011 would be worse than 2010—compared to just 12 per cent of Iraqis.

But they really shouldn't be so gloomy. After spending most of my life in Britain, I've enjoyed the last 13 delicious years living in France, and can report that it's so much better.

Where to start? Well, France has beautiful beaches, warm weather, stunning villages, fantastic skiing, and fine, sensibly priced wines (they keep the best for themselves, naturally). It's also more than twice the size of Britain, with 293 people per square mile against 656, which makes for a better standard of living and helps keep property prices lower. I live much of the time in a splendid 19th-century house in the grounds of a chateau in Lower Normandy, a corner of paradise ►

Thinking differently!

• for which I pay the princely sum of €552 a month. Naturally, some people leave their native town or village to work elsewhere. But the generally modest prices enable many people to keep a second home where they grew up, helping foster a strong sense of heritage and tradition.

French towns have

many independent shops, lively street markets, and bakeries that are Aladdin's caves of immaculate cakes and breads. People cherish the skills of small entrepreneurs who take pride in their produce and are a fixture in their neighbourhood. There are supermar-

rather than fussing over them and making them prone to tantrums.

Politeness is also alive among adults. There's none of the uninvited familiarity of "Alright, mate?" I'm "Monsieur" to the bus driver and the driver is "Monsieur" to me. (A legacy, I suspect, of the revolution that chopped off so many snooty heads and

While we dismantled our manufacturing base,the French did as much as they could to help theirs thrive

made all "citoyens" equal and deserving —and demanding— of respect.)

In January, half our village turned out for a council-organised New Year's party. The entire social spectrum was represented, from a best-selling historian to the grey-haired chap who mows the kets, but smaller shops are protected —hypermarkets are banned in Paris, for instance.

Go to any public placeand you'll see that Gallic children are better behaved, too. As US author Pamela Druckerman explained in this year's French Children Don't Throw Food, France's parents are not over-strict, but are canny enough to give their children firm rules in a few key areas, such as bedtimes and eating —so they tend to sleep better and finish their greens. Helped by cheap, almost universal state childcare, mothers are also much more relaxed about going back to work and, when they get home, are content to leave kids to play alone,

grass verges. In a tent beside the town hall, we debated the merits of keeping chickens, and guzzled champagne, sandwiches and pastries.

This largesse was paid for from my taxes. Yes, the average Frenchman does pay almost half his salary in tax and social-security contributions, compared to a third in the UK. But when was the last time your local mayor gave you champagne? And giving more money to the state has other benefits, too.

Our deputy mayor retired at 55 from SNCF, the state-owned railway, on almost full salary. At Radio France International, the equivalent of the BBC's World Service, staff work a 35-hour week, enjoy nine weeks of annual

holiday, and can recover half their travel costs in and around Paris.

Which 1_, better—French tries or roast beef?

The day after the party, I took the train 150 miles to the capital. The journey lasted just two hours and, as usual, was bang on time. The government recognises the vital role of a good rail network, and puts up the money for an efficient infrastructure and contented staff. In Paris, a Navigo card (like, but very unlike, London's Oyster card) delivers unlimited travel around the capital for €62.90 a month—about half as much as its UK counterpart.

Join the debate at facebook.com/readers digestuk or email readersletters a readersdigest. co.uk

of the British-owned Cunard line. The late president Francois Mitterrand admired Margaret Thatcher, but didn't believe service industries were enough to sustain the nation. So while we dismantled our manufacturing base, the French did as much as they could to help theirs thrive, through investment and avoiding outsourcing. France currently has big debts, but its foreign debt is just over half the size of Britain's.

Not all French people are in cosy state employment, either. France still has significant manufacturing industries, including EADS Aviation, which makes the Airbus aircraft, and three locally owned car makers: Citroen, Peugeot and Renault. The French also build ships, including the Queen Mary 2—flagship

France also has the good sense to produce most of its electricity in nuclear power plants—cost-effective and not at the mercy of fluctuating oil and gas prices. Moreover, state-owned supplier EDF is forbidden from raising its prices by more than the rate of inflation.

Of course, the French don't have Marmite, Yorkshire tea and cricket. But, as far as supposed British superiority goes, that's about it. Vive la Republique! ■

N NATURAL WONDERS: YELLOW CRAZY ANT

The yellow crazy ant has earned its place in the top 100 most invasive species in the world. It wreaks ecological damage everywhere it's accidentally introduced, but the most famous case is Christmas Island in the Indian Ocean. With no natural enemies, colonies have now reached a density of 2,254 per square metre, the highest recorded. This is bad news for the native red crab, whose numbers have crashed—the ants swarm all over the crab, spraying it with formic acid and eating its insides. "At one site, dubbed the Valley of Death, the ants annihilated an entire breeding migration of crabs," says botanist Dr Peter Green. Charming.

Weird but true The name derives from the way the ants move when disturbed.

Marco Pierre White's British strawberries with Catalan cream and lemonade ice. See the recipe on p106

Is that a glimmer of sunshine? Quick— get the barbie out and the neighbours round, and rustle up some burnt sausages, charcoaled chicken wings and soggy salad. Then again, there are some much tastier ways to celebrate summer...starting right here with these easy-but-delicious ideas!

Mains

A kuku is a thick, baked omelette eaten in the Middle East. It's served cold, making it ideal for warm-weather suppers. This recipe serves 4.

Wash 500g of spinach and gently cook in a saucepan for 5 minutes. Put it in a colander and press down with a wooden spoon to squeeze out as much water as possible. Chop roughly. Break 5 eggs into a bowl and gently stir with a fork. Add the chopped spinach, ltsp of fresh chopped mint, Vitsp of ground cumin and 125g crumbled feta. Pour into a lightly oiled ovenproof dish and bake at 180C/375F/Gas Mark 4 for 25 minutes. Cool and cut into wedges.

Artichoke hearts, olives and sundried tomatoes all have long shelf lives—pop them into pasta dishes and stir in 1 or 2tbsps of pesto for a quick and easy mid-week supper

Chickpea curry

A refreshing fusion of yogurt, herbs and two juices. Serves 4. Preheat the grill to the hottest setting. Pour 700m1 of carrot juice into a bowl and carrot and whisk in 150m1 orange of plain yogurt 41 until smooth.

SOUP Add the zest of 1/2 orange and the juice of 1 orange, plus 4tbsps of snipped chives, then whisk again. Ladle into four soup bowls.

Mix 2tbsps of chopped tarragon with ltbsp of olive oil.Toast 4 slices of wholemeal bread for 1 minute on one side under the grill, then turn and lightly brush the untoasted side with the tarragon oil. Toast for another minute until golden and crisp.Season the soup with black pepper, and serve.

> For this recipe and many others, get Super Foods Super Easy (Reader's Digest, £27.99) at readersdigest.co.uk/ superfoods

Chilled super foods easy. 4146

This is a light, summery and easy-to-cook dish that can easily be doubled for large parties.

Put 2 finely chopped onions, 2 chillies,1 garlic clove, ltsp of ground cumin and ltsp of ground coriander in a blender to create a paste—add a little water if necessary. Gently fry the paste in a pan for 10 minutes on a low heat, allowing it to brown slightly. Add a 400g can of chopped tomatoes, 250g of cooked chickpeas and 250m1 vegetable stock. Bring to the boil and simmer for 20 minutes. Garnish with chopped coriander and a dash of lemon juice.

%—e, Impress with this salmon dish—wrap " individual fillets in foil parcels with spinach leaves, lime slices, slivers of kaffir lime leaves, fresh coriander leaves and spring onions. Pour a ladle of coconut milk over each fillet and scrunch up the foil parcel. Cook in the oven at 180C/375F/ Gas Mark 4 for 12 minutes, and serve with a topping of cashew nuts

For a quick and easy alternative to homemade pizzas, halve and lightly toast wholemeal baps, spread on a layer of passata, then add roasted vegetables, mozzarella and fresh oregano leaves. Grill for 3 minutes

Mix together a big handful of breadcrumbs with a clove of garlic, 4 anchovy fillets, 2tsps of sesame seeds and parsley for a delicious crust to press on top of salmon or tuna steaks before cooking.

Blend 45g of watercress, 150g of Greek yogurt, 2tbsps of mayonnaise, a pinch of cayenne pepper and ltsp of lemon juice for a summery dip to accompany roast beef instead of heavy gravy

BLT twist! %-0 Lamb with herb and garlic rub

For a light twist on the BLT, why not ditch the bread and replace it with pasta?

Fry the bacon with onion and garlic, add cherry tomatoes to the pan and throw in some baby spinach leaves towards the end. Stir into cooked pasta and serve on a bed of lettuce leaves.

•Pop one thinly sliced chili or half a teaspoon of Tabasco into your tomato sauce to give it a bit of a kick

Mix together 3tbsps of chopped fresh thyme, 2tbsps of chopped fresh rosemary, 2tbsps of chopped fresh parsley, ltbsp of sea-salt flakes, 1/2tsp of ground black pepper and 8 finely chopped garlic cloves along with 60m1 of olive oil. Score a 2kg leg of lamb and rub the herb mixture into the slits. Leave it for an hour to marinate and then put it in a 180C/375F/Gas Mark 4 oven for 2 hours (or 30 minutes per kg). Cover with foil after an hour. Let the meat rest for 10 minutes between cooking and carving.

Tip: if you're not confident about barbecuing, then start off your meat in an oven, and transfer it to the barbecue to finish the cooking and infuse it with delicious, smoky flavours

To make a spicy barbecue rub, mix 2tbsps each of salt, brown sugar, ground cumin, chilli powder and freshly ground black pepper along with ltbsp of cayenne pepper and 3tbsps of paprika. Rub into a large piece of beef, chicken, lamb or pork when barbecuing. Tip: the spice rub can be stored in an airtight container in the fridge for up to one month.

Give barbecued chicken an extra zing by drizzling a lemony sauce over it for the last few minutes of cooking. Shake together ltbsp of lemon juice with ltsp of finely chopped marjoram and 2tsps of olive oil in a jam jar

Burgers

For quick, cheap burgers, mix 375g of lean, minced beef with 90g of porridge oats, 2tbsps of tomato ketchup, 2tsps of Dijon mustard and 1/2tsp of freshly ground black pepper. Mix together, then, using your hands, shape into patties. Barbecue for 5 minutes on either side so they're nicely brown and cooked through.

• Try spreading olive tapenade on a ciabatta loaf to zing up a steak sandwich

Lamb pittas

Cut 450g of boneless leg of lamb into cubes and marinade in the juice from half a lemon, ltsp of fresh oregano, ltbsp of olive oil and 2 crushed garlic cloves. Thread onto 4 skewers and barbecue for 8 minutes, turning often. Serve in pittas (remove skewers) with a salad made from 1 chopped red onion, 1 chopped white baby cabbage, 6 chopped tomatoes, chopped mint, thinly sliced cucumber and lemon juice.

Salads

Experiment with different leaves to bring new flavours to a salad.

Radiccho has a bitter, nutty taste that works well with citrus fruits; sorrel's sharp, lemony kick complements fish dishes; and peppery rocket leaves are delicious with Mediterranean ingredients such as feta, olives, tomatoes and parmesan

Lemon thyme vinaigrette

For a zingy salad dressing that's great with green salads, seafood and chicken, pour 4tbsps of olive oil, 2tbsps of lemon juice and ltsp of Dijon mustard into a jam jar and shake vigorously. Add 1/2tsp of lemon zest, 1/2tsp of fresh lemon thyme leaves and 4 loosely chopped segments of lemon. Add a pinch of sugar and twist of pepper.

•Slice some gherkins into a potato saladfor a natural, salty kick

Try switching olive oil for rapeseed oil when you're making salad dressings this summer. The mild, nutty oil is grown in Britain, and it contains less saturated fat and more omega 3 than olive oil.

Experiment with mixtures of sweet and savoury flavours in a salad. Try watermelon with feta cheese; spinach with almond; and orange with beetroot or asparagus

One bottle of Fairy can last up to eight weeks

How large would a carton of milk have to be to last as long?

Drinks

BY NIGEL BARDEN

It's the time for ice, fruit, long drinks and light spirits. We Brits are also increasingly taking to rosé wines, and those of the Languedoc take some beating. Otherwise, sparklers and champagnes partner perfectly with white peach juice in a Bellini, or with orange juice for a Buck's Fizz.

Light rums are ideal for warm-weather cocktails,

ill's‘111h

Bloody Marys need to be well chilled, and interesting vodka helps—try Sipsmith, distilled in London from barley, or Chase, from Herefordshire potatoes

and for a mojito, Cuban Havana Club 3 Year Old is spot on. The key is to lightly muddle, or bruise, fresh mint in the base of a glass (a small rolling pin makes a good muddling stick!), add a couple of

The citric acidity of wheat beers is perfect for summer, and some fine examples are brewed in Britain. Blonde, lighter, seasonal beers are also appearing on microbrewery menus shots of rum, 3/4 shot fresh lime juice, 1/2 shot sugar syrup (2:1 water/sugar), half fill the glass with crushed ice and stir. Fill with more crushed ice, top up with soda (or sparkling) water and stir some more.

Ginger beer is an ace long drink. Team with vodka, lime juice and a few dashes of Angostura bitters, and it transforms into a Moscow Mule (or try muddled fresh raspberries for a Raspberry

Nigel Barden is the food and drink presenter on Simon Mayo's show on BBC Radio 2, and chairman of the Great Taste Awards

Mule). The Bermudian national drink, a Dark & Stormy, is similar: just swap your favourite rum for the vodka, omit the Angostura, and add fresh lime juice and a little sugar syrup, or caster sugar.

Tip: designer ice

Pop an edible flower like a pansy or violet in each hole of an icecube tray, pour water over them and freeze

FROZEN FOR FRESHNESS

Just one of 300 dishes we deliver every week from Dundee to Dover - and everywhere in between!

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Puddings

BY MARCO PIERRE WHITE

0-N British strawberries with Catalan cream and lemonade ice

Serves 6

It's going to be quite a month for set-piece events, starting off with Her Majesty's Diamond Jubilee and then moving swiftly on to Royal Ascot and Wimbledon. These are all wonderful gettogethers, but I'm just as partial to village fetes and agricultural shows. We used to go to plenty of the latter when I was growing up in Yorkshire. Normally, we took along a rug and a few pies. If we were lucky, our feast stretched to ice cream.

So this month's offering is designed to bring out the best of British, with some homemade ice cream on the side. When it comes to the cream, this amounts to the next level in luxury and it's not at all the same as whipped cream. It's a great deal lighter and gives a more gentle feel in the mouth. The way we prepare it is similar to the classic crème anglaise recipe. But let's not bring the French into this one.

100m1 whole milk

2 x 500mI UHT whipping cream (UHT cream is essential)

2 vanilla pods

6 egg yolks

80g sugar

500g punnets of strawberries

1.Bring milk and cream to the boil with the vanilla pods.

2. Mix the egg yolks and the sugar in a bowl until creamy and slightly pale.

3. Pour the hot cream and milk mix onto the egg yolks and whisk. Then revert to a low heat, stirring with a spatula until the mixture slightly thickens and coats the back of the spatula.

MARCO'S

If you want to leave out the x lemonade ice, gently coat the strawberries with white balsamic vinegar. It will heighten the flavour of the strawberries

Marco Pierre White, the "godfather" of modern British cooking, is a restaurateur and TV personality

4. Pass the mixture through a strainer or chinoise.

5. Chill the mixture quickly over ice to bring down the temperature.

6. When the mixture is totally chilled (which will take about four hours) and relaxed, whip it with an electric whisk until light and fluffy.

7.Cut the tops off the strawberries and slice in half.

For the lemonade ice: 200g caster sugar

100m1 water

1 squeeze of lemon

1 squeeze of lime

2 x 330m1 cans of your favourite lemonade

1.Bring the sugar and water to the boil in a pan. This is a "stock syrup". Allow to chill.

2. Put the chilled stock syrup in a small tray, then squeeze the lemon and lime into the same tray. Open the cans of lemonade and pour on top, then put in the freezer quickly. (The open shape of the tray helps the mixture freeze fast and retain flavour.)

To serve: Use tall glasses, filled half way with the strawberries, topped by a spoonful of the cream. Scrape the lemonade ice vigorously until you have lots of frosty flakes; scatter over the strawberries and cream.

This sparkling 44' peach dessert is a great way of adding some glamour to a garden party. Rinse 4 ripe peaches and cut into small cubes—divide between four glasses. Top with raspberry sorbet (allow 50g per person), pour 2tbsps of sparking white wine over each dessert and sprinkle over ltbsp of chopped and lightly toasted almonds.

• Make the most of seasonal produce by sticking to fruit-based puddings like compotes and fruit salads

Grilled nectarines with raspberry coulis make a Grilled delicious and easy dinner-party pudding. Puree

• 375g of frozen or fresh raspberries with 75g of caster fruit: sugar and push through a sieve. Halve 8 ripe viegrop, nectarines and place (stone side up) on a baking tray and sprinkle with the juice of half a lemon. Brush with 25g of melted butter and place under a preheated grill for 5 minutes. Drizzle with the coulis and serve •

HOW TO...

BY LINDA GRAY

1,001 THINGS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

How to BOND WITH YOUR PARTNER'S CHILD

A PARENT'S NEW RELATIONSHIP can leave their kids angry and heartbroken—no wonder 60 per cent of couples with stepchildren break up. But though it takes time, and often superhuman patience, you can help them leave the hurt behind. Here's how to react when they say... You're not my dad "You can't replace a natural parent,

but you have to act with authority, so be parental instead," says stepmother and counsellor Suzie Hayman, author of Be a Great Step-Parent (E9.99). "Sit down as a family and agree some house rules. If you let children add their own—making every Thursday night a games night, say—they won't resent them."

F*** you! "Bad behaviour is all about bad feelings, so don't take abuse personally," says Hayman. Saying, "I know you're upset and wish your mum and dad were still together, but please don't swear," shows you understand without compromising on boundaries.

How come she gets an iPad? "Kids don't expect you to love your stepchildren as your own. What they do expect is to be treated fairly," says Hayman. That extends all the way from discipline and pocket money to presents from grandparents, who might omit step-grandchildren from their Christmas list.

My mum says you're a home-wrecker Stepchildren often do all they can to drive a new couple apart, and a toxic ex can give them all the ammunition they need. If it gets out of hand, mediation can help. "If people need convincing, say the children are getting hurt," says Hayman. I miss my dad "Give children a mobile so they can talk to their parent whenever they want," says Hayman. And if they're grieving because they've lost contact with their birth parent, show them all the love you can. "It's the one time you should fake it," she believes. "If you behave with warmth, it will come."

How to FIND WINNING SWIMWEAR

FABRIC TECHNOLOGY is now so advanced that Speedo's LZR Racer full-body swimsuit has been banned from the Olympics for giving wearers an unfair advantage. So take a tip from the pros and ditch the baggy number in favour of one that lasts and looks good.

The secret? Pick the right fibre. Unless your swimwear rarely gets wet, avoid standard elastane, which is easily damaged by chlorine. Instead, choose Xtra Life Lycra, which is ten times stronger, or styles made with PBT (polybutylene), which lasts 20 times as long—though PBT can be stiff, so if changing is a hassle, stick to Lycra. Some extra-wear styles can look fiercely competitive, but Speedo's Sculpture, Arena's Waternity and ProSwimwear's Diana (which caters for both men and women) all have colourful, dip-friendly styles.

Sleek and stylish: Arena's Waternity swimsuit

How to KEEP AN EYE ON INTEREST RATES

INFLATION RATE 3.5 PER CENT,

INTEREST RATE 0.5 PER CENT.

You don't have to be a Micawber to realise that, unless you move your hard-earned cash, the result will be misery.

As many of us are unaware how little interest an account is earning (and banks don't rush to give the info), ring the helpline or sign up

How to FIX A BIKE

ONLY 14 PER CENT OF US RIDE A BIKE REGULARLY, though over five times that number have a bike stowed away, often with dodgy brakes or punctured tyres. National Bike Week (June 16-24) is organising free checks at events nationwide (for details, see bikeweek.org), but if yours is too ailing to get there, follow this five-point plan.

to savingschampion.co.uk, which sends updates when interest rates change. Check out any penalties imposed for quitting early, and never close an ISA when switching to a new account—always transfer it, says Anna Bowles of savingschampion.co.uk, or lose the tax relief that's worth far more than the extra interest.

1. Wash it. Sponge the frame and wheels with soapy water, and clean the chain with an old toothbrush and bike degreaser (from any bike shop).

2. Pump it up. Forget hand pumps, says Bike Week. What you need is a standing (track) pump with a pressure gauge, which costs around £20. The correct pressure is the number on the side of the tyre followed by the letters PSI. Who knew?

3. Oil it. Use bike lubricant sparingly where metal touches metal.

4. Check the brakes. If you can squeeze the lever more than halfway towards the handlebar, tighten it up by twisting the barrel-shaped adjuster where the cable and lever meet. If it doesn't work, or the brake pads are worn (they should be grooved, not smooth) take it to a repair shop. The same applies if you... S. Spin the wheels, and they wobble. As a professional service will set you back £40 plus, you could be better off buying new. An entry-level hybrid bike (good for everyday) costs from £150, or snap up a bargain on bike-auction site goinggoingbike.com.

How to SURVIVE A FESTIVAL

WHY LET THE KIDS HAVE ALL THE FUN?

As we pointed out in last month's "Best of British", there are now festivals to suit all ages. Around 15,000 of those who rocked up at Glastonbury last year were over 50. And as Glasto is taking a break this year, they'll be looking for somewhere else to go (for a guide, go to efestivals.co.uk).

Many festivals release tickets in batches, so it's not too late to book.

To make sure you're not conned by touts, check out approved sellers on safeconcerts.com.

Then book a b&b, because there's a reason why "tent" is a four-letter word. Even luxury festival teepees have no ensuite facilities,

and though camper vans seem a good compromise, they often have to be parked a long way from the action.

On the day, pack hand wash and tissues, plus sunscreen, a rainproof and a torch to light the way back. But check before you take in a picnic, as food and drink from outside may be banned.

Wear wellies or trainers, because you'll be on your feet all day. There's little in the way of seating, so the savvy take sit mats to keep their rear ends dry. If you can't face it, be considerate with your chair-in-a-bag. "I'm amazed by the number of oldies who think everyone should sit down to watch, and shout at anyone who stands. Lighten up! That's what festival-goers do," says Debs Rees of safeconcerts.com.

The mosh pit at the front is where you don't want to be, especially when crowdsurfing starts, so stand well back. Then nip out early to beat the car-park queue, and look forward to a long, hot bath.

How to

PRESIDENT OBAMA, Miriam Clegg and Livia (Mrs Colin) Firth are fans of the trash-to-treasure movement that improves what others throw away. And while some may pay thousands for fabric-waste clothes, the raw ingredients are available in a skip near you—ingenuity and skill can turn them into design gold.

For inspiration, look at the craft portal etsy.com, or sign up for one of the 45 workshops at next month's Vintage Festival in Northamptonshire. If making bags from tyres is beyond you, upcycle cast-offs instead. Clipping sheets to a rail to serve as curtains or using a colander as a fruit bowl (perfect, as it allows air to circulate) are zero-effort projects.

Quality is important, so trawl charity shops and car-boot sales for bargains. "Nearly all the stuff is tat, so learn to spot hidden gems," says expert scavenger Alexandra Campbell, co-author of Flea Market Chic (E19.99). If you're looking for furniture, keep a tape measure and a note of room dimensions on you. Think laterally: chairs don't have to match, and fittings needn't be purpose-made. Snap up school lockers, shop fittings and old wardrobes, and bask in the knowledge that you're doing yourself—and the planet—a favour.

WHAT YOUR PLANNING OFFICER WO'T TELL YOU

• I can't approve everything. Even if I think your plans are fine, the work must comply with building regulations, which make sure the structure is sound. And restrictive covenants, rights of way and the right to light are for lawyers and surveyors to deal with.

• I've no time for NIMBYs. Of course the new National Planning Framework wants to involve people —that's why neighbourhoods are encouraged to say where new houses should go. But it also makes it more difficult to object to development, so they can't refuse to have them.

Your privacy's important. Get in touch if your neighbours' proposed extension gives them a 360-degree view of your garden. Overlooking and overdevelopment are the most common reasons for refusing planning permission in residential areas. Skip outline planning permission. Granted, it gives you three years to finalise plans and another two to implement them. But it's cheaper to submit full plans straightaway— you still get three years to build. You only have one chance to object. Make your views known as soon as a planning application goes in—within three weeks if you're informed by letter; 14 days if you spot a notice in the press. Present the

best case you can, because you have no right to comment if it goes to appeal.

I don't sweat the small stuff. I don't usually need to know about "permitted developments" such as garages, loft conversions, and small singlestorey extensions at the back.

iExcept, of course, if .. You live in a listed building, conservation area or National Park, or your neighbour claims you've broken the rules. The details are crucial, so check on planningportal. gov.uk.

• Your garden's a minefield. You don't need planning permission to

dot up to half of it with sheds, saunas and decking. But Putting 'IP up a high fence all round, or paving the drive without asking, is looking for trouble. And forget about building three houses on it, because councils noanwddt ha-vgera pbo

A g r ehney to oppose bwineg rs. probably will. Sshh...

I don't always prosecute. Don't panic if you didn't get consent for those

solar panels. If no one complains and I approve of what you've done, I'll probably grant retrospective planning permission and you'll then be in the clear.

6 Hands off that pub. I know it would make a dream home, but locals often get priority. Pubs and shops may

be classed as community assets, and their sale deferred by six months to give neighbourhoods a chance to raise funds for a bid. But there's no guarantee it'll be accepted, so bide your time. Detached houses can have party walls. Bizarre but true, because according to the Party Wall Act, it's the distance between houses that counts. Even if you have planning permission, you need your neighbour's consent for building work up to six metres away from their house.

If they're unhappy, they can appoint a partywall surveyor (paid for by you) to adjudicate. •

SLENDER MEANS

If you want to lose a few pounds, you need will power—not the NHS

Popping a pill isn't necessarily a panacea for every problem in our lives. Sometimes the answer lies as much with us as it does with medicine. I saw this first hand when I completed my GP placement at medical school.

Miss Parker wasn't actually fat. "I've got 12 weeks and I want to drop three dress sizes," she blurted out.

"Right, I see. Hmmm, well, you look fine to me," said the GP, peering at her myopically.

But I got the feeling that Miss Parker hadn't come for reassurance. Ignoring him, she continued: "I'm getting married and I want to be thin for the photos."

"What diets have you tried so far?" he asked, while flicking through her notes. "Look, I don't want to go on a diet. I want you to prescribe me these," she snapped, bringing out a neatly folded page she'd torn out of a magazine. The GP, rolling his eyes at me, took the paper but didn't read it. I suspect he'd seen it before. He attempted to explain that pills really weren't suitable in her case. As well as having nasty potential side effects, they were expensive to prescribe, and wouldn't offer a long-term solution.

"If I give everyone who walks through that door what they want, we'll run out of money in no time. Besides, she can lose

She wanted to have her cake and eat it, then pop a pill so that the calories never touched her waistline

weight if she diets properly. That's actually what's best for her," he said afterwards.

The problem is that medicine promises a cure for all our problems and the NHS promises to deliver, and when it can't—or won't— some patients don't like it. Certainly, diet pills are useful for some people, but only after they've tried diets and, even then, they're not a magic bullet. Losing weight requires will power.

I remember sitting listening to her arguing with the GP, and thinking it was

bizarre that while some NHS patients are dangerously malnourished, others are trying to take pills to ensure that food leaves their body slim. And if they're lucky, the taxpayer foots the bill.

But Miss Parker wasn't going to be lucky this time. She stood up. "Fine, then, don't help me. I'll get my sister to get them off her GP —he gives her what she wants," and she stormed out.

Miss Parker didn't want long-term solutions. She didn't want to hear about the ethics of the situation, NHS budgets or the consequences to her health. And who can blame her? She just wanted to have her cake and eat it— and then pop a pill so that the calories never touched her waistline.

Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor, and the Mind Journalist of the Year 2010

WHAT DO THEY DO?There are two main types of problem with the thyroid—either underactive (hypothyroidism) or overactive (hyperthyroid). Both of these conditions need medication to correct an imbalance of the thyroid hormone in the blood.

HOW DO THEY WORK?

Hypothyroidism is usually treated with a drug called levothyroxine. This is a synthetic version of thyroxine, which the thyroid makes to regulate metabolism. If the thyroid is overactive, there's too much thyroxine in the blood. Drugs used to treat this condition interfere with the way the thyroid makes thyroxine.

WHO TAKES THEM? You'll be prescribed medication if your thyroid is found to be over- or underactive. Surgery to remove the thyroid gland is also sometimes an option. People who have had surgery will have

to take levothyroxine because they'll no longer produce any thyroxine themselves.

HOW DO YOU TAKE THEM? All thyroid medications are usually taken once a day, before breakfast. Your GP will monitor the levels of thyroxine in your blood every few months until the right dose is reached, and then usually check once a year after that. Most people take these medications for the rest of their lives.

SIDE EFFECTS?

Many patients taking levothyroxine at the correct dose will not have side effects. But when the dose is excessive, side effects can include diarrhoea, vomiting, chest pain, tremor and palpitations.

NAMES OF COMMON THYROID MEDICATION: Levothyroxine (for underactive thyroid); carbimazole and propylthiouracil (for overactive). ■

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LIQUID ASSETS

What can you drink to quench your thirst and boost your health?

Health claims for green tea have seen sales steam ahead by a massive 83 per cent in the past two years, according to market analysts Mintel. But it's not the only drink with health benefits. To ring the changes try...

Apple juice.

Research from the University of Santa Catarina, Brazil, found that as little as a glass a day may ward off cancer by boosting antioxidant levels in the blood, which is believed to keep cells healthy. It just goes to show that an apple juice a day (actually the equivalent of five apples) can keep the doctor away.

WHEN TO GO WITH THE BURN

A friend contacted me the other day to say his girlfriend had scalded her leg pouring a kettle. The burn was as long as a copy of Reader's Digest and half as wide, and had blistered. "I think

Soft drinks, Want to lose weight the easy way? Switch from sugar-heavy drinks to water and you could shed up to five per cent of your body weight in six months. Or so say boffins at the University of North Carolina who studied weight loss among 318 overweight or obese people.

C of fem

Regular coffee drinking could cut your risk of Type 2 diabetes by up to 30 per cent, according to a cross-European study of almost 43,000 people.

Researchers found that you'd need to down four or five P'

she should get treatment," he said. "But Jane says it's nothing. What do you think?"

As I'm not a doctor, I asked Jorge LeonVillapolos— consultant in plastic surgery and

burns at London's Chelsea and Westminster Hospital—when you should seek medical help for a burn. "If it's larger than a 50p piece and has symptoms of pressure and pain," he replied.

THINGS YOU \EED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN AND HEART DISEASE

1.Men are twice as likely as women to have a heart attack.

2. Men who drink at least one can of sugar-sweetened drink per day increase their risk of heart disease by a fifth.

3. Fat is not just a female issue-42 per cent of men are overweight as against 32 per of women, raising their chances of coronary-artery disease.

4. Men who have erection problems have twice the risk of a heart attack— it's an early sign that all's not well with the old ticker. So don't be shy, go to the doc.

5. Older men with

40 Blisters indicate pressure and pain, so Jane should go to her GP, if only to find out how best to dress the wound.

Leon-Villapolos said you should also see a doctor if any burn covers more than two per cent of total body surface area, is on a sensitive area like the face, hands or genitalia, is caused by electricity or chemicals, or if the victim is elderly or a child.

low testosterone levels have a 38% higher chance of dying from heart disease.

6. Men eat a third as much salt—which can raise blood pressure— as women, with both consuming over the daily recommended limit of 6g.

7.Sitting down is bad for you. Men who spend over ten hours a week in a car have an 82 per cent higher risk of dying from heart disease than those who drive for under four.

Men's Health Week, run by male-health charity the Men's Health Forum, starts on June 11. To find out more, and what else men can do to cut their risk of heart disease, visit menshealth week.org.uk. cups a day but, before you worry about all that caffeine giving you the jitters, decaffeinated coffee works just as well. MdP, People who drink milk—and consume other dairy products—at least five times a week do much better in memory tests, according to scientists at the University of Maine. The theory is that nutrients, including magnesium, in milk could help protect against cognitive decline. But don't forget that dairy can also be high in saturated fat.

ON

THE

Feeling inspired by the upcoming MOVE! Olympics to do more sport? Make sure you exercise four to eight hours before going to bed to ensure a good night's sleep. But research also shows that physical activity any time during the day improves the quality of your zzzs.

THE DIET DOCTOR

Dr David Ashton, of Healthier Weight, on why being pear-shaped can be healthy

"Does my bum look big in this?" is a familiar refrain that reflects the social pressure to conform to today's idealised female form. The obsession with being slim, exemplified on the catwalks, is largely a modern phenomenon. Of course, it hasn't always been so—perceptions of the ideal body vary over time and between cultures. Nowadays we know that body shape may be rather more important than the vagaries of fashion suggest. In particular, we know that fat distributed over the hips and thighs (gluteofemoral fat) is not only much less risky than fat around the middle (abdominal fat), but may even be protective. In other words, it's better

to be a pear shape than an apple.

Recent studies have shown that fat around the waist area is primarily due to existing fat cells becoming larger. But fat deposited over the hips and thighs tends to be in the form of new cells. This difference matters because when abdominal fat cells get too big, they can no longer store fat properly and release fatty acids into the bloodstream. These free fatty acids (or FFAs) have a wide range of potentially harmful metabolic effects—they can cause inflammation in the arteries and enhance the clotting tendency of the blood, both of which increase the risk of heart disease and blood clots. FFAs can also interfere with insulin metabolism, increasing the risk of Type 2 diabetes.

Gluteofemoral fat cells are much smaller and provide stable, long-term storage for fatty acids. While this makes them harder to shift, it means they are less dangerous and may even reduce health risks by "mopping up" harmful fatty acids and other unwanted chemicals. Fat around the hips is also associated with higher levels of the hormone adiponectin, the net effect of which is to reduce the risk of diabetes, heart and circulatory disease.

3 WACKY WAYS TO IMPROVE BLOOD SUGAR

0 Get eight hours' sleep every night to avoid diabetes, or stabilise glucose if you're already diabetic. Numerous studies find that sleep deprivation has a dramatic effect on blood sugar and insulin levels.

0 Tensing then relaxing every muscle in your body for ten minutes a day can bring down high blood-sugar levels.

1 A Japanese study found that those who laughed at a comedy after an evening meal had significantly lower blood sugar than those who listened to a boring lecture. Sweet as! ■

If, like 90% of UK adults, you have ever had chickenpox, there is a 1 in 4 chance you will develop shingles at some point in your lifetime.

Shingles (also known as herpes zoster) is a condition that is caused by the reactivation of the chickenpox virus. Once you've had chickenpox, the virus stays dormant in your body until it is reactivated, causing shingles. It is not fully known what causes the virus to reactivate, but anyone who has had chickenpox could develop shingles in later life, often many years after the original chickenpox infection. It tends to occur more frequently in people aged 50 years or older. It usually causes a rash on one side of the body.

The symptoms of shingles are usually mild but can be very unpleasant for some. Shingles usually starts with a headache, fever, and tiredness, and you are likely to feel unwell. It's very common to feel a burning pain somewhere on the body, which may become extreme. Within a few days to three weeks this area of pain will start to develop a red rash, which will turn into fluid-filled blisters. When these painful blisters burst they will then turn into sores that will eventually crust over and heal. Most people recover but some people continue to feel extreme pain in the area of the rash that can remain for many months, or in extreme cases even years. This is known as post-herpetic neuralgia

a Ars.

(PHN). PHN can prevent sufferers from living a normal life, and for some even a slight breeze against the skin can be painful and distressing.

Shingles varies from person to person and some people will require treatment. See your GP as soon as possible, ideally within 72 hours of the rash occurring.

Most people do riot have any long-term effects, but for some shingles can cause complications. If shingles develops in the eye it can lead' to decreased vision or even permanent blindness in the affected eye.

It is possible to prevent shingles. See your GP who can give you more information.

Other sources of information include

www.shinglesaware.Co,uk or the Shingles Support Society, 41 North Road, London N7 9DP who have a helpline (0845 123 2305) and a website (www.shinglessupporlorg)

Scan the QR code with your smartphone to access www.shinglesaware.co.uk

BEAUTY WITH JAN MASTERS

FLIGHT CONTROL

No more looking like you've aged ten years when your plane lands

Late-night packing. Tedious airport queues. Long-haul flights. Just when you want to look your best for a holiday, you find yourself peering in that aeroplane mirror (the one with the light that goes into ghoul-glare mode as you slide the bolt) to be met by a drained and bedraggled reflection. But there are a few tricks to help you arrive at your destination fresh of face.

According to Stella Photi, managing director of Wellbeing Escapes, the spa-holiday experts, the stress levels we often experience in the run-up to a summer break can prevent us from fully enjoying the first two or three days away, especially if we've been snatching junk snacks and slugging coffee.

"Try cutting out alcohol a week before you go, scale sugar right back a couple of days later, and then caffeine two days after that (or at least steer clear of it after

midday). This can help you sleep better and feel more energised," advises Photi. It's also worth booking make-adifference grooming treatments, such as a haircut and pedicure, that give your overall look a crisp edge. But avoid scheduling them too close to departure day. With all the pre-holiday pressure, there's a good chance you'll either cancel or they'll just

+ FLIGHT-FABULOUS TAKEAWAYS

A neck pillow (then you can use the on-board pillow wherever you need it).

Holistic Silk's Eye Mask, £41, filled with lavender for some luxurious shut-eye, and Massaging Slippers, £70, designed to help soothe your soles.

Clinique Deep Comfort

Hand and Cuticle Cream, £16—a long flight is the perfect opportunity to lavish some TLC on hands.

A clean flannel—Stella Photi suggests soaking it with cold water before landing, placing it on your face to revive you, then applying

moisturiser on your damp skin for extra dewiness.

bareMinerals Original SPF 15 Foundation, £24, for an immaculate touch-up on touch-down.

And fill your portable music player with your favourite feel-good tunes to relax you.

add to timetabling panic.

If you like to start your hols with fake tan, apply it a couple of nights beforehand, so it has a chance to develop and settle (and that distinctive smell that often accompanies a faux glow has time to disappear). Exfoliating your face and body will also help moisturiser absorb more easily—and you'll need plenty of that in the dry cabin air on the plane.

Pack your toiletries bag in advance, when you can view putting it together as a pampering pleasure rather than a last-minute chore. Decant at leisure. Discover small items at sites such as gotiny.co.uk. And throw in a few treats, too.

"The day you're setting oft devote as much time to yourself as possible, rath6r than being too focus&d on tidying up your home,"•says Photi. "It's very common for people to rush around, giving everything a mad clean, but why 'Slather? As long as yop've covered the basics,-20 minutes of stretching will be of far greater benefit before a long flight than knowing your cushions are perfectly plumped."

SPA DE DEUX FOOT CARE THAT WORKS!

Darcey Bussell, former principal dancer with the Royal Ballet, and soon-to-be Strictly Come Dancing judge, has just become the face of a new skincare line (out in July, thesanctuary. co.uk) from the Sanctuary Spa. Called Active Reverse, it's aimed at more mature skin and includes a grain-free exfoliator to wear under moisturiser or make-up, and a warming two-step face mask. These treatments are built on expertise gained over 35 years. The Sanctuary, based in Covent Garden, was created as a haven to help ballerinas unwind. Now, its therapists perform over 28,000 facials a year! That's some encore.

Summer means toes are on show. And one of the fastest transformers for feet is Intensive Treatment Foot Oil, £20, by eminent foot expert Margaret Dabbs, creator of her eponymous care products. "Much of the skin on your feet is thicker than that of the rest of the body. There's no point in using a greasy balm that simply sits on the surface and only serves as a temporary improvement. You need something that absorbs to nourish the tissue," says Dabbs, which is why she has created a product with great sink-in quality. Made with organic emu oil and lemon myrtle, spray it on, gently massage into skin and nails and see an immediate result.

■

What's the one product we should all have by our bathroom sink? Find out next month with our new beauty expert, the award-winning Alice Hart-Davis.

CONSUMER WITH DONAL MAcINTYRE MIND CONTROL

Could the benefit of foresight assist you with your shopping?

You don't have to be a clairvoyant to snap up a bargain, but it appears to help—at least if the experience of a clairvoyant friend of mine counts for anything.

Stuart logged on and went shopping for some garden furniture from a major high-street retailer. He thought he'd got a fine bench, well worth its £199 price. When it arrived at his door, he was struck by the quality—but later investigation revealed that it was, in fact, a much higher-spec piece at nearly five times the price.

Now, the question is: to tell or not to tell?

As it happens, he was let off the hook—the retailer realised its mistake after two of the items were despatched, including the one to my far-seeing friend. And unlike Tesco some months back, when it advertised the £659 iPad online for £49.99 but chose not to honour the online purchases, Stuart's shop did. As the goods had already arrived, they decided not to invoke one of the standard small-print

clauses that allows the purchases to be voided in the event of a mis-pricing error.

So Stuart remains the beneficiary of outrageous good fortune and a very fine garden bench. Possession, it seems, is still nine-tenths of the law. But then I guess he saw that coming...

IF YOU DON'T ASK...

Donal answers your questions. Please email queries to excerpts @readers digest. co.uk

Donal Macintyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ITV's London Tonight

dillt My smartphone developed a fault (it was nearly new).

I sent it back, but they couldn't repair it, so returned the model with a "reconditioned motherboard". Am I not entitled to a new phone?

AThis is a common complaint. It's a manufacturing fault, and you have six years' warranty for faults like this. Either the phone should be repaired in a timely fashion, or replaced like-for-like. Some retailers insist that if you've had your phone for over seven days it's no longer new, but I believe if your phone is less than six months old then it's reasonable for you to get a new one. I've interceded in a similar case, and a new phone was delivered.

Don't forget to ask

for complimentary minutes or a discount on your next bill for the inconvenience!

Q

Can I appeal a traffic fine if my hire company has already paid it?

AHire and lease companies regularly pay fines at first asking, to prevent any escalation—but by doing so they risk pleading guilty on your behalf, so any points go on your licence. The companies shouldn't do this, but when it happens you should write to the traffic division that prosecuted you, and if necessary to the court. Failing any short cuts suggested, it may require a full legal appeal of the conviction with the help of a solicitor. It might be worth it to avoid increased insurance costs and points on your licence. There's no likely comeback with regard to the hire company, I'm afraid. Your hire agreement will entitle it to pay fines on your behalf.

PREYING ON THE WEAKEST

It's heartbreaking to see people lose their life's savings to scam artists, and sadly it's the elderly who fall most perilously into the devious snares set by fraudsters.

Apart from the assortment of dodgy builders that the vulnerable have to be on the lookout for, I've noticed the re-emergence of the bereavement scam, a triedand-trusted trick. Scamsters trawl through the obituaries and send bogus invoices for unpaid bills to the living spouse or relatives. This obviously causes distress, and the bills are often paid. It's a reminder to friends and family to keep an eye on the frail and vulnerable to protect them from the unscrupulous. •

WIPING THE SLATE

Ten easy ways to clean up your credit record

Make sure you're on the electoral roll. If you're not, write to your local council, who will send you the registration form.

Pay your credit-card payments on time. If you can't, contact the lender as soon as possible to discuss your options—you may be able to change your repayment schedule, or make a minimum repayment instead.

If you have paid a County Court Judgment (CCJ) make sure it's shown as settled on your credit record. If it isn't, contact the court. (You can check your record by paying £2 to one of the three creditreference agencies that operate in the UK—Experian, Equifax and Call Credit.)

"Remember,

If a bankruptcy order has ended or been withdrawnand this is not shown on your credit record, send a copy of your certificate of discharge or annulment to all the credit-reference agencies and ask for your record to be updated.

If you've paid off a credit account, but your record doesn't show this, contact the organisation concerned and ask it to make the necessary changes.

b. Build a good credit history. If you've no real credit record to speak of, borrow money and pay it back religiously on time

every month. If companies won't lend to you, there are credit cards aimed at people with poor credit records. They have whopping interest charges, though—so use it sparingly every month and then pay the bill during the interestfree period. For example, Capital One does a very high-interest credit card (34.9%) that it will offer to people with poor credit histories.

Avoid credit-repair companies. If the details on your credit record can be removed or altered, Experian or Equifax will do it for free.

3 Always check your credit record. It makes sense to get a copy of your record if you're not sure you'll get credit. It gives you the chance to clear up any incorrect details that might stop you getting better

son: not a borrower, but a lender be"

financial products. Just as importantly, it will help ensure your application won't get rejected. 9. Don't let rejection lead to rejection. If you are rejected, find out why. Examine your credit record (it may be that it's got out-of-date details on it). It's not just rejections that harm your credit score—every time a company searches your credit record (ie, every time you apply for something), it's logged. If you have a number of searches in a short period, this will adversely affect your rating.

10 Don't get dragged down by debt. It's hard to get your credit rating on an even keel if you're constantly battling debt and missing payments. Get help by speaking to the National Debtline or the Consumer Credit Counselling Service.

Do you fancy yourself as the next David Bailey? Do people often tell you that you take a mean photograph? If so, you could make money from it.

Every day, new pics are needed for company websites, public sector newsletters, corporate presentations and thousands of other uses. Now, there are also online agencies that amateur photographers can use to sell their pics.

TIP 1,

Register with an online agency.

There are lots of them. Popular agencies include picturenation. co.uk, fotolia.com, iStockphoto. com,123RF.com, alamy.com and photographersdirect.com.

When you register, the site will ask you to send between five and ten photos, so it can test quality and type of image. If your photos don't conform to the site's requirements, they'll be rejected.

If this happens, don't worry—just try again, taking their comments into consideration. Sometimes it

may just be because they already have too many of the sort of photo you're sending. Different agencies specialise in different types of photos and pay varying rates.

Picturenation.co.uk pays 40% commission on all pictures, starting at 40p for web resolution, and going up to £30 for the highest resolution. With fotolia.com, the minimum commission you can earn is 33% rising to 50% with a good ranking. It pays 5p for an extra-small photo, £1 for a small photo and £2 for a medium photo. Similarly, with 123RF.com the minimum amount you can earn is 35p for a blog resolution photo, but up to £1.34 for an

ultra-high resolution photo.

With iStockphoto.com you make 20% in royalties, but you could make up to 40% for exclusive pictures when your ranking is high. Photographers direct.com give you 80% commission, and there is no set price for each photo—buyers contact photographers direct to discuss a price.

Alamy.com supplies a high-end market of editorial, advertising and publishing companies, so anything you submit has to be very good quality and must follow their submission guidelines strictly. If your work is good enough, it's possible to earn 65% commission. Upload your pictures. Once you've received the OK from the agency, you can upload batches of pictures. Each photo is manually checked, so if you want your pictures to go on sale quickly, send them in batches of five or ten.

HAVE YOU GOT A

Pictures are go!

After your photos have been checked you'll be notified when they go live on the site, usually after about 24 hours.

Then there's nothing to do but wait until people buy them (keep your eye on what sells). Once your account reaches a certain limit you can get the cash.

Have you got a grown-up child living with you? Do they find it too expensive to move out—or maybe they did move out, but came back with children of their own?

If so, you're one of the growing number of older parents who have KIPPERS —Kids in Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings. Together, KIPPERS in the UK are costing their parents more than £2bn a year!

Of course you love them, of course you want to help, and of course, when they've split up with their partner and

need support bringing up their children, then you should step in. But the fact remains that this is a time of your life when you should be enjoying the freedom and finances that you sacrificed to raise your children.

SO NOW YOU SHOULD:

• Take a deep breath and stand back.

• Remind yourself that you don't want to be a burden to them later on, but you will be if they take your money now.

• You're going to need a decent amount of money to

"My children always move back—they like their home comforts"

retain your independence for as long as you can.

Sometimes, even older children (and I'm talking 30s and 40s) need to be forced to stand on their own two feet. It's up to you, but if you're at least aware of what's going on, you can make better decisions about how to deal with your KIPPER.

TAKE ACT!ON-

• Set some goals for yourself. Family is a priority for most people, but your children's desire for the latest car, holidays or six changes in career should not come above your need for financial security. Perhaps you'd like to increase your pension or invest more.

* Sit down and share your plans with your KIPPERS. You might want them to be earning a self-supporting wage within a year; moving to their own flat or house within 18 months and becoming financially independent in two years.

* Help them set goals, clear debts, live within their means, invest for the future.

If all else fails, take the hard line and threaten to kick them out unless they pay their way. This will show them you're serious.

THE ONE THING THIS MONTH...

...is book some cheaper train tickets for summer trips and the August bank holiday. There are lots of ways you can get deals on tickets, particularly if you do it well in advance. Try nationalrail.co.uk/ cheapestfare, which offers a Cheapest Fare

JARGON DERIVATIVES

Futures, forwards, swaps and options are all types of derivatives. They're a kind of financial contract that gives you a way of investing in a particular product without actually owning it. They allow investors and banks to hedge their risks, or to speculate on markets. For example, a stock-market "futures" contract allows you to make bets on the value of a stock-market index such as the FTSE 100 without having to buy or sell shares. Credit derivatives, called "credit default swaps", depend on the ability of a borrower to repay his debts.

Finder tool; bestvaluefares. co.uk lists train companies' latest offers and promotions; and daysoutguide.co.uk offers 2-FOR-1 entry when you travel by train to various attractions across the country. It's also a good idea to sign up to your local train operator's newsletter so you're first to hear about their latest offers.

THIS MONTH'S BARGAIN

Get 10% off champagne sets with our exclusive code. Go to parklanechampagne. co.uk and—if you buy the "Personalised Champagne and Flute gift" (f55) or "Personalised Champagne and Two Flutes gift" (E65)—put the code SAVE10 in at the checkout to get the discount. Great for wedding presents! ■

Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

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GARDENING WITH BOB FLOWERDEW

FLOWERING LATE

Banish drabness by extending a splash of colour beyond the summer

I want to grow more cut flowers, to save me buying so many of them. I have a lot of spring bulbs and shrubs—and roses in summer—but little in flower in the autumn. What do you suggest?

A Michaelmas daisies, fuchsias, dahlias, Korean and some other chrysanths all bloom outdoors until late, usually up to the first hard frost. There's still time to get chrysanthemums (or, even better, an assortment of dahlia plants) and grow them in pots or the border to bloom this autumn. And plant a few ferns as well if you like arranging your own flowers— including a couple of their fronds sets off a bunch of blooms beautifully.

BEAN COUNTER

Is it easy to grow and dry haricot beans, or do they need a hotter climate?

AThese beans are so cheap to buy that to grow them seems pointless at first. But of course you can choose heirloom varieties as well as the standards. I love Hutterite Soup, a small white

bean. The joy is you only need to sow the seed once the soil is warm, then collect the dried pods three months later. Not a lot of effort, and even if your plot is pretty full you can probably squeeze lots of these in between plants of brassicas, marrows, squashes, sweetcorn, maincrop potatoes, and some roots such as turnips and swedes—indeed, almost anything other than with the onions or their family (they just don't get on). And although beans compete with other crops, their root nodules give nitrogen to those crops in return as they mature.

GRASS IS MEANER

My allotment is riddled with couch grass—as fast as I dig it out it grows back. I don't want to spray it with herbicide, so how can I cope?

ACouch is a creeping grass, and any broken-off piece of root can sprout a new plant. It doesn't survive well in short-cut sward, so ensure all grass paths are kept closely and frequently mown. Then surround your plot with an isolation trench about a foot deep and wide (mark this with canes and visibility tape if passers-by could fall in). This stops roots outside growing back into your cleaned soil.

Forget about digging the roots out, but get a sharp hoe and slice off every leaf methodically once a week (it helps to grow mostly well-spaced crops such as sweetcorn, cabbages or courgettes). If the leaves are chopped off weekly, the roots expire within a few months.

Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time. Send your gardening questions to Bob at excerptsca;readersdigest.co.uk

BOB'S JOBS: JUNE

June is the pause and thin out between sowing suspicious and and planting, overcrowded and picking and seedlings and admiring. Most of fruitlets before they the garden is now grow larger and full, and regular waste resources. weeding and Protect ripening mowing should fruit—fine netting have weeds and bags are good, sward under and nylon pillowcontrol. Focus on cases work if the regular watering, weather's not wet.

READER'S TI

An effective way to eradicate thistles and dandelions is to cut them off at ground level and apply a heaped teaspoon of salt. This removes all the water from the root so they can't regrow, while not harming any surrounding plants.

Submitted by Paul Tattam, Aylesbury ■

4111111*--

» Email your gardening tips and ideas—with photos, if possible—to excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk. We'll pay £70 if we use them on this page.

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SHELL-SHOCKED

Why birds' eggs are one of nature's miracles

Right now, eggs will be hatching in millions of nests throughout the UK. But how, in just a few weeks, are the yolk and egg white transformed into a baby blackbird, blue tit or wren?

In a chicken egg, once incubation starts, things happen fast. Within 24 hours, blood "islands" start to form, as does a heart. In 44 hours the heart starts to beat, driving two separate blood systems—one inside the chick embryo, the other spread around the inside of the eggshell. This external blood system is a bit like a human placenta, bringing oxygen that permeates through the shell to the developing embryo.

Blackbird chicks are t fed by both parents s in the nest

Around day ten, the external blood system starts to draw calcium from the eggshell for the chick's developing bones. Day 14, the chick begins to move. Day 18, the chick's beak penetrates an air sac inside the egg, and it starts to use its lungs. Now carbon dioxide begins to build up, so it has to get out. Day 21, the neck starts to spasm, and a special hard egg tooth on the beak punches the first hole through the shell. The chick turns around, breaking off a "lid" as it goes, using a powerful "hatching muscle" in its neck. Finally, with a great kick, it pushes itself out of the egg.

HEAD OVER HEELS

How do bats, which hang upside down, give birth? It's thought a mother bat can "reverse", hanging by her thumbs to give birth downwards, catching the baby in the membrane between her legs. But no one seems to have actually seen this.

Dr Roger Ransome, who's studied horseshoe bats all his life, tells me that although some bats reverse, his bats don't have a membrane—they give birth upside-down, catching

the baby in their wings. Mum hugs the baby for a bit and hangs it on the cave roof. They then call to each other—to learn the sound of each other's voice, maybe? When mum returns from hunting, she always finds her baby, even among many others.

We hope to have cameras in a horseshoe-bat maternity roost this Springwatch, so we may finally see bats giving birth—a TV first!

PINING FOR

Have you ever seen a pine marten? No? Nor have I—but if we'd been alive in prehistoric times, we'd probably have been very familiar with them.

It's thought there were once more pine martens than any other British carnivore except the weasel. Sadly, one of our most beautiful native animals has been trapped and hunted almost to extinction—Scotland is now its last stronghold. About the size of a domestic cat, and a rich chestnut brown with a creamy yellow throat, pine martens are lean with a large bushy tail and prominent ears. They're extremely agile and spend much of their time up trees. Apparently, marten poo has a "vaguely pleasant fruity smell"! In June, young martens, "kits"—emerge from nests in old tree trunks, or perhaps a burrow under tree roots.

There have been tantalising reports of small pine-marten populations clinging on in Wales and England. Now the Vincent Wildlife Trust is making a concerted effort to try to see if there really are martens outside Scotland. If you think you've seen one, they'd love to hear from you (visit vwt.org.uk). ■

Martin Hughes-Games is a host of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumnwatch

DIGITAL WITH MARTHA LANE FOX

OLYMPICS ONLINE

If you think social-media coverage is everywhere, you ain't seen nothing yet!

In 1953, 27 million Brits gathered round the telly to watch Her Majesty's coronation. Fast forward 60 years, and the Games are set to do for the web what the Coronation did for the box. An online-only ticket process is just the start of the most digital event of all time.

There will be 24 live streams and over 2,500 hours of sport at BBC.co.uk/2012 —that's every sport, from every venue, every day, alongside heaps of info about each athlete, country and event.

The investment is unprecedented; the BBC will be the first broadcaster to deliver the Olympics • live, multichannel, and in HD. In 2008, an average of 160 million people watched each minute of the Beijing Olympics, but only one per cent of coverage

It's not too late to share the summer of sport online.

If you, a friend or

family member could do with a little helping hand, try the BBC's

was online. Two years later, the Winter Olympics in Vancouver were dubbed the first "social" Games, with the official app downloaded 1.2 million times and spectators encouraged to become roving reporters. During the climax of last year's Women's World Cup, 7,196 tweets were sent every second, beaten months later by Beyonce's baby bump (notching up 8,868), then smashed by the 12,233 during the 2012 Super Bowl. This summer, 200 billion people are set to use social networks, and bets are on for news of the 100m gold breaking there first. Follow the official action @London2012

super-simple guides at bbc.co.uk/give anhour, or ask a friend or family

member to use go-on.co.uk/ champions to help show you how.

CULTURE, APPS AND SCREENS

During the Winter Olympics in 2010, the Cultural Olympiad Digital Edition festival put digital at the heart of its festivities, transforming Vancouver with amazing digital art displays. Sixteen million of us have already taken part in the Cultural Olympiad ahead of the London 2012 festival—this year's Games have inspired some truly awe-inspiring digital projects, with a legacy way beyond the summer.

One of my favourites, Personal Best, will create an online storytelling project focusing on life's turning points (find information at London 2012.com), while Peace Camp is using poetry to celebrate the UK coastline. Anyone can contribute an "audible portrait", by nominating their favourite love poem or recording lines at peacecamp2012.com. The result will be an anthology of online love poems inspired by the Olympic Truce, which dates back to Ancient Greece.

In the capital, bus-tops.com is fitting digital screens on London's bus shelters, and inviting anyone to upload art. Eighty London underground stations will offer free Wi-Fi, making travel easier and letting you get up-to-the-minute access to news and reviews of

London's must-see attractions. For other up-to-date info, there are loads of official apps such as the Results app and the Torch Relay app, while the Race for Apps contest (raceforapps. com) crowdsourced lots of whizzy new ones. The Art Fund app is great for don't-miss exhibitions, and check out Free London for stuff to do without spending a penny. While you're at it, watch out for the BBC's Big Screens showing local art, films, info and Olympics action. Enjoy the fun and Games, everyone!

ALL THE FUN!

As it's not the winning, but the taking part that counts, why not become a Local Leader and bring the Olympic party to your town? While you're at it, find the route of the Olympic flame-95 per cent of us in the UK, Isle of Man, Guernsey and Jersey will get within ten miles! Check out heaps of info on this and more at London 2012.com ■

Look out: screens on top of London bus shelters

Martha Lane Fox is the UK's digital champion and chairs Go ON UK (go-on-uk.org)

HIGH VOLTAGE

Do petrolheads dream of electric cars? This one might just turn their heads

This funny-looking cross between an iPad with wheels and a beach ball is Renault's new Twizy, and it could be the future of motoring...or at least a big part of it. This is not some crazy future concept—this is a real vehicle, fully electric, and on sale now. But is it a car? Technically no, it's a quadricycle, so it's classified under UK law as something closer to a moped.

Twizy is arguably the most intriguing vehicle to be released in this country since Alec Issigonis's Mini back

Prices for the Twizy start at £6,690, with battery hire from £45 a month in 1959. Other cars have been beautifully designed, others have been small, but no car since Issigonis's wonderfully realised little revolution have turned motoring on its head in quite the same way.

A two-seater (the passenger sits behind the driver), the Twizy runs on electric power only, and is designed to cover all those little runabout trips we do. And as 87 per cent of Europe's drivers do less

than 37 miles a day-50 per cent less than 12—there's really no need to be burning hydrocarbons for that sort of journey.

Twizy's batteries have a range of 62 miles, and it plugs into a standard socket like any other gadget, going from flat to full power in three-and-half hours. There are no full doors on the vehicle, so think of it like a covered moped with four wheels, but no puttering noise and no need for a helmet. There's also a lowerpowered flavour in the pipeline, the Twizy 45, for which you don't even need a licence.

Seeing the Twizy in the flesh, you're struck by how fun it looks. Sit in it and everything feels right—just car enough to be easy, but different enough to be exciting. With the battery underneath you, the vehicle is suckered to the road, and the electric power means it accelerates with real oomph up to about 50mph. You don't feel you need any more. In the UK, the weather alone may make it a niche buy, but the lack of easy access to outdoor sockets is the biggest challenge. Only time will tell if this radical move answers enough problems to find a place in our lives.

ONE TO BUY ANIMALS TO AVOID

Vauxhall Ampera (£37,250) If you want an electric car where you're not worrying about the next charging point, then check out the cutting-edge Ampera from Vauxhall. It has both batteries and a petrol engine, but the engine is only there to charge the batteries if you need it. As such, it delivers a whopping 256mpg! Real innovation, and on sale now.

ONE TO SPOT

Vauxhall VRX Maloo (fst000)

There's a kind of insanity in Australia that wants to put a fat, roaring engine into a low-slung pick-up and drive around in circles. Why? Too much sun, probably. Vauxhall's sister company Down Under makes the Maloo (try saying it with an Australian accent), and Vauxhall ships a few over here. This is the new one. With sales of just 50 planned in the UK this year, it's rarer than a Lamborghini and just as insane in a whole other way.

ONE TO DREAM ABOUT

We won't see the real car until the end of the year, but anyone with a drop of petrol in their veins can rejoice at the news that Jaguar has confirmed it's to build its long-mooted small sports car, the F-Type—the spiritual successor to the legendary E-Type. It'll be based on this C-X16 concept from last year. Expect something proper amazing!

Has your car ever been attacked by peacocks?

If so, you're not alone—Admiral Insurance has revealed its most bizarre animalrelated carinsurance claims over the last couple of years— and peacocks account for four of the 12. They've clawed cars after seeing their reflection in the paintwork, or simply scratched cars they've taken a dislike to in hotel car parks.

Other animal incidents include a car being damaged at a village fete when a miniature pony broke loose and climbed over the bonnet. ■

Conor McNicholas is the former editor of BBC Top Gear Magazine

MY GREAT ESCAPE

I'd visited the Everglades one summer many years ago during the "wet" season, and was disappointed to see very little wildlife. With so much water at their disposal, the animals are scattered and hard to spot. In the dry season (November-April) they congregate in areas well known to the local guides. So my husband and I, and one of our sons, decided to visit in December. The pilot had warned everyone that a rough landing on Key West's short runway might be on the cards, but the sight of the mangroves and the aquamarine waters of the Straits of Florida compensated for a few bumps on the tarmac. The whole island is only two miles long by four across, and almost completely flat—it's possible to cover the main attractions on foot in two or three days.

The residential streets, with their palm trees and exotic flowers in bloom alongside Christmas decorations, were a delight. A daily highlight is the waterfront Sunset Ceremony in Mallory Square: seeing the

huge red sun sink below the horizon is an unforgettable experience. Another point of interest was Ernest Hemingway's old house, still home to many descendants of his polydactyl (six-toed) cats, which stroll around untroubled by visitors. We travelled independently, flying Virgin to Orlando, then Air Tran to Key West. From there we hired a car and

GOING STATESIDE

American Sky has an eight-night package from £1,149pp, including return flights to Miami, one night at Miami Airport Hotel and seven nights at the Banana Bay Resort in Key West, room only, plus eight days' car hire (0844 543 8631; americansky.co.uk)

Maggie Cobbett from Ripon found the best time to visit the Florida Keys

Maggie Cobbett ( io1P44 spotted plenty of ators lazing in the Evergl des

had a leisurely drive up US Route 1, from Key West to Maine, branching off into the Everglades to stop at Shark Valley. There we took an open-air tram to see the River of Grass and the wildlife that inhabits it.

With water levels low, alligators of all sizes were basking in the sunshine— our only warning to give a wide berth to a mother alligator, ready to defend her babies. Touch one of those, the guide grinned, and you'll never play guitar again!

Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we'll pay you £70. See address on page 4.

TRAVEL WEBSITE

June sees the opening of Sanctuary

Retreats' Zebra Plains walking safari camp in Zambia's South Luangwa park. It runs until October, packing up between seasons to leave no trace. The bush around camp is home to elephant, zebra, buffalo, crocodile and puku, and over 400 bird species. Prices with Rainbow Tours from E3,130pp for five nights' full board, including flights, transfers and two guided walks a day (020 7666 1250; rainbowtours.co.uk).

How much more original to visit London the week after the Jubilee, and explore some of the 200 gardens and squares open to the public for Open Garden Squares weekend on June 9-10. This year's newcomers include a roof garden at the Queen Elizabeth Hall, and Arlington Square in Islington (left)—just one of the urban squares with a fenced-off garden at its heart that make this festival such a treat (opensquares.org).

In summer, Iceland comes into its own, with fantastic weather for walking, and daylight into the small hours in which to explore its attractions, from Reykjavik to spectacular waterfalls and glaciers, volcanic landscapes and geothermal pools and geysers. Note that new airline Wow Air takes to the skies this month, flying three times a week from Stansted to the island, with fares starting at £68 one way including luggage (wowair.com).

greatcountrypubs.com

Tourism South East has brought together pub listings for the region on this useful and enticing website. Its 70 (and counting) pubs are divided into a number of categories, so you can search for inns to dine at or stay in. Want to take your dog? There's a category for that, too. And once you've found your ideal drinking hole, you can use the "Attractions" tab to explore things to do nearby. ■

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T Rea he ders Digest

JUNE FICTION REVIEWED BY A N WILSON EXTRACTS FROM OUR FAVOURITE NEW RELEASES GROWING UP IN CEAU$ESCU'S ROMANIA AND WHERE TO FIND ANCIENT BRITAIN BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE: SIMON HOGGART

June fiction

Not Dead Yet

by Peter James

(Macmillan, £18.99)

Peter James's thrillers, set in Brighton, have attracted a massive following—and, reading this, it's not hard to see why. Not Dead Yet is brilliantly paced and plotted, with a huge and truly ghastly cast. Gaia, a global pop star wanting to be taken seriously as an actress (think Madonna), is a Brighton girl returning home to make a film about George IV and Mrs

Fitzherbert. But even before she arrives, we've met at least two extremely creepy figures obsessed with her. Meanwhile, James's regular detective, Roy Grace, is investigating the nasty case of a dismembered body on a nearby farm. I won't say how these seriously frightening ingredients reach their climax—but I will reveal that I'm now a Peter James addict. You'll gulp this book down in three infatuated sittings, deaf to the telephone, indifferent to any distractions.

The Age of Miracles

by Karen Thompson Walker (Simon & Schuster, £14.99) This has "best-seller" and "blockbuster movie" written all over it—but that

confesses to a new addiction doesn't stop it being a superb novel. Eleven-yearold Julia is growing up in a Californian suburb with her mum and dad when one day...the day lasts longer than it should. Next day... even longer. The earth has slowed on its axis, and by the time the sweltering days and freezing nights are 40, 60 hours long, normal life has disintegrated. What makes the book so powerful is that it's not simply good sci-fi. The real drama comes from the effect on

YOUR TWITTER CHOICE OF HIDDEN LITERARY GEMS

The Final Skin, @thefinalskin Terry

Southern's The Blue Movie

It's a book about an expensive, filthy-film production doomed to failure. Excellent dialogue.

Seldon Moore, @SeldonMoore

Sebastian Faulks's Engleby is most underrated. A disturbed, idiotic, but real character.

Sffl\ TA p Bex Seales, u u"11\3 @The FoodlEat SIMONARMI _ „imic Seeing Stars

by Simon Armitage. Poetry never makes these lists, but if any should, it's this.

individual lives, as Julia watches her sleep-deprived parents' marriage fall apart and her own friendships change radically. Despite a slightly disappointing ending, this is a staggeringly impressive debut novel.

The Long Earth

by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter (Doubleday, £18.99)

Terry Pratchett's latest, written in collaboration with an acclaimed science-fiction author, shows that the master hasn't lost any of his cunning. A private in the

First World War confronts a group of hairy creatures that he takes to be Russians, but that are in fact trolls. Back in the 21st century, the house belonging to a scientist at the University of Wisconsin burns down—and amid the rubble the police discover a bundle of wires and a three-way switch plugged into a potato. This, it turns out, is a Stepper Box: a device that enables people to enter alternative universes. What follows is a wonderfully rich fantasy, full of ingenuity, humour and some rather deep thoughts about who we are and what we're doing on the one planet most of us know.

The Forrests by Emily Perkins (Bloomsbury Circus, £12.99) This is the densely written, poetic story of three children of feckless Sixties hippies. The early chapters in New Zealand describe

una pm CLASSICS CORNER:LUCKY JIM

the world through the eyes of the two sisters, and to a lesser extent their brother's. The parents then go to America, leaving the siblings to grow up very differently. As Emily Perkins traces them through the rest of their lives, the result is a real work of art.

The Forrests would be an ideal book for a reading group: the sisters' experiences of sex, love, children, cancer, resentment against their parents and ageing are all beautifully done. Every word counts, but the novel is also a page-turner. Very highly recommended.

m. In Jubilee month, you can see how much we've changed since the early 1950s—and have plenty of laughs along the way—with Kingsley Amis's Lucky Jim. Published in 1954, but set a few years earlier, it follows Jim Dixon, a university lecturer, as he struggles with the constraints of the times. The famous comic set-pieces, from Jim's hangover to his drunken public lecture, still work beautifully. Nonetheless, the sense of a pinched, post-war and now weirdly foreign Britain is never far away.

My dad the criminal

When you're growing up in Ceausescu's Romania, a heroic father is not necessarily what you want

Burying the Typewriter begins almost idyllically. Born in 1970, Carmen Bugan grew up in the Romanian village of Draganesti. Not far away was her grandparents' farm, which she loved, and where she and her sister Loredana spent most of their free time. Despite the government's anti-religious line, Christmas and Easter were joyfully celebrated—and provide two of the book's many memorable scenes of village life (see column, right).

But around 1980 the mood darkens. Because they run a grocery, Carmen's parents are at the sharp end of the food shortages and the angry, often violent queues. Partly as a result, her father Ion returns to his youthful dissidence. Every night, he types fliers protesting against the dictatorship of Nicolae Ceausescu, known to Carmen at school as "the father of all children". He then buries the typewriter behind the house when he's finished, and unearths it again the next night.

On March 10,1983, he goes much further, driving through Bucharest with a placard denouncing Ceausescu as a criminal. Not surprisingly, he's immediately thrown into prison. Meanwhile back in Draganesti, the Securitate (Romania's not-very-secret police) fill the family home with bugging devices and force Carmen's mother to divorce the man she loves.

Five years later, Ion is released in an unexpected general amnesty, but remains under house arrest. Eventually, with the help of the American embassy, the Bugans leave Romania in November 1989 to start from scratch in Michigan.

And it's with the family's gut-wrenching departure from Romania—a mixture of joy, heartbreak, terror and relief—that the book ends. Only through the occasional flash-forward do we glimpse Carmen's awkward but ultimately successful adjustment to American life. In a quietly powerful afterword, she returns to Romania and finds her father's Securitate files.

CHRISTMAS IN DRAGANE$TI

"The night before Christmas the tree is lit, the carollers dwindle away, and we sit over the last bits of a feast. The dogs bark so loudly they interrupt our noise. All of our relatives are here, we don't expect any more guests. Mum sends me and my sister to the door to see who it is.

"Out in the snow there is Mos Craciun (Santa Claus) who said he'd just come from the North Pole to see if there is a Carmen and a Loredana in this house, because

Clearly, this is quite a story—but the book is also beautifully written. The young Carmen's struggles to understand what's going on are entirely convincing, and done without either sensationalism or whinging. (There are plenty of memoirs that complain far more about far less.) She's honest enough not to transform her dad into a saint, and to acknowledge the resentment she sometimes felt about his decision to put principles ahead of family.

This extract takes place two months after his arrest...

dr, It's mid-May. Next month I will be thirteen years old. There

• are leaves on the trees, blue hyacinths around the doorstep. Loredana and I are now both going to the village school followed every day by the same man from the Securitate. We baptise him 'the Chinese' because he is short and has long, almond-shaped eyes. We already know he has taken a room in the house of the village vet at the corner of our street, from where he watches everyone who comes to and goes from our house. School is different. No matter how hard we study, Loredana and I are earning low marks and lots of abuse from the teachers, right in front of the other students. It is worrying. My history teacher asks me to stand up in the middle of the class, declaring, 'Your father is a mentally ill criminal who is destroying your future.' The other children are encouraged to taunt us and on the playground they throw stones at me calling me 'daughter of criminal'. No one comes to my defence. Because the Chinese walks behind us on v,

Free at last—the Bugans arrive in America and are met by members of the church that agreed to sponsor them: (far left) Ion; (front, from left) Loredana, mum

Mioara and Carmen

Burying the Typewriter: Childhood under the Eye of the Secret Police by Carmen Bugan is published by Picador on June 7 at £16.99

our way to school and after school, kids have picked up on this as well, laughing at us because we can no longer play freely after classes, like they do.

'Carmen Bugan, go immediately to the teachers' office!' announces the literature teacher gravely. She just burst in during the maths class. My stomach turns into a knot so fast it hurts. She is stiff and quiet until the door to the office closes and only the two of us are inside. Then she takes from her handbag a huge slice of bread, a few thick slices of salami and cheese. 'Eat, do not speak a word now or to anyone,' she says. She has tears in her eyes as she goes to listen at the door for anyone coming down the hall. I obey and I eat. Tears and food taste so good together. Then she brushes the crumbs from my uniform, wipes my eyes, and takes me back to the maths class.

This ritual, under the pretext of some kind of punishment, now happens a few days every week. I can show no gratitude except by eating her food. With time, she will become the reason I believe that literature truly nourishes the hungry. She will become the reason I love syntax, and she will suffer with me through my family's nightmares. I will never, for the rest of my life, know or love a teacher more. Her name is Lucia and her own story will emerge slowly to me over the years, but now she is the literature teacher jpi, with the sandwiches.

he has a sledge filled with presents. My sister and I hold each other's hands and jump and squeal, screaming for mum to come and let Santa in. He wears a red cloak and has a huge walking stick decorated with gold ribbons. His face is covered with a mask showing pink cheeks and a long white beard, which we try to pull at.

"Santa asks if we've been good girls. We shout that we were the best girls and he begins giving us toys: a multi-coloured train, a trivia game with little lights that turn on when you press the correct answer, sweets wrapped in colourful foil, new dresses and shoes.

COVER STAR GARY

LiNEKER'S favourite book? Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy by

John Le Carre

My sister and I sing between unwrapping the gifts, we hug Santa and kiss his mask. When he says that his dogs and sledge are waiting for him at the gates, we wish him fun with all the other children and go back to our presents. My heart explodes with happiness and colours."

Nicolae Ceausescu saw himself as "the father of all children"

Long before 1066 and all that

Traces of Ancient Britain are still to be found all around us—if you know where to look

THE GREEN ROAD INTO THE TREES

An Exp!oration of En and HUGH THOMSON

Hugh Thomson is an acclaimed British travel writer, best-known for his books on Latin America. Now he turns to what he concludes might well be the strangest country of them all: his own.

Like his earlier work, The Green Road into the Trees has a particular interest in pre-history, with Bronze and Iron Age Britain, the Anglo-Saxons and the Celts, here taking the place of the Incas and Aztecs. In his quest to find traces of it, Thomson walks the ancient Icknield Way from Dorset to Norfolk— which was carrying goods from Europe and North Africa hundreds of years before London even existed. (The city was essentially a Roman invention.) The result brilliantly illuminates the half-forgotten cultures that, let's not forget, lasted a lot longer than the mere millennium or so separating us from William the Conqueror.

En route, Thomson throws in bits of autobiography, lots of sharp observations about rural Britain today, and plenty of fascinating facts from all eras of history. (Did you know, for example, that morris dancing is neither particularly old nor English? It was imported from Spain by the Tudors—which is why the name derives from "Moorish".) And all of it done in a cheerfully conversational style that, combined with his interest in more or less everything, makes him an ideal travelling companion.

We join him here at the White Horse of Uffington in Oxfordshire...

There are other white horses scattered across the Downs; some nine in all. But these are later imitations, all cut into the turf since the 18th century. The horse at Uffington is the progenitor, and an ancient one. Optical Stimulated Luminescence (OSL) dating shows it to have been made in the Bronze Age around 1000BC.

I find it remarkable to think how long the horse has been

As a TV filmmaker, Hugh Thomson's programmes include Russia: a Journey with Jonathan Dimbleby and Dancing in the Street: a Rock and Roll History.

Among his travel books are Tequila Oil: Getting Lost 1r Mexico and Cochineal Red: Travels through Ancient Peru

preserved; without regular scouring, the grass would grow over it again. As [the topographer] Thomas Baskerville put it in 1677, 'some that dwell hereabouts have an obligation upon their hands to repair and cleanse this landmark, or else in time it may turn green like the rest of the hill, and be forgotten'.

The likely reason for its survival is that the scouring provided an excuse for a party. In 1738, Rev Francis Wise, an Oxford don who did much to publicise the White Horse, described how people came from all the villages around every seven years to do the cleaning, with an accompanying two-day fair that had a reputation for disorder and debauchery. It also had to be paid for by the lord of the local manor as one of the conditions on which he held his land. There is nothing an Englishman likes so much as a free drink, particularly if it's paid for by his boss, and the fair became a popular tradition.

People came from the villages all around every seven yearsto do the cleaning

Thomas Hughes, the author of Tom Brown's Schooldays, gave a full description of a later fair in his 1857 novel The Scouring of the White Horse, mentioning with disapproval an earlier one at which a female smoking marathon was held; a gallon of gin was awarded to the woman who smoked the most tobacco in an hour.

The scourings continued, if not quite at regular seven-year intervals, but in a more English way whenever the White Horse fell into such a state of decay that there was a public outcry. Although in a good condition in 1940, it had to be turfed over because the German bombers were using it as a landmark.

Since then it has been cared for by English Heritage and the National Trust.

But far more interesting than its preservation over the last few centuries is its preservation over three thousand years. It stands as a remarkable emblem of continuity: a Bronze Age horse that was scoured by Celts, the Romano-British and the Saxons, let alone the Normans, Tudors and Stuarts.

"It is hard to think of more delicate tracery on the landscape," writes Hugh Thomson

The White Horse of Uffington:

Books that Changed my Life

Simon Hoggart is a journalist, writer and broadcaster. He will be at the Hay Festival on June 2 and 3, discussing his guidebook, Life's Too Short for Bad Wine, and collection of political sketches Send Up the Clowns.

The Book of Fub by Michael Frayn

Frayn wrote novels and plays and, like me, he was also a journalist on The Guardian—the paper my parents took. On the days Frayn's satirical column appeared (this book is a collection of them), I'd rush down to be the first to read them. Other kids dream of playing football for England but, nerd that I was, I could imagine no job more wonderful than making people laugh over their morning paper. Frayn's characters were fictional, but I still meet their likes in Parliament today—Christopher Smoothe, Minister for Chance and Speculation, reminds me of Jeremy Hunt. I'd never compare myself to Frayn; I'm not as good. But he did inspire me to become a journalist.

The P G Wodehouse Collection I'm copping o specific title, because all his books are equally wonderful. two books a day, and Wodehouse was among the writers famous wit (one character suffers a hangover so bad that "the noise of the cat stamping about in the passage outside caused him exquisite discomfort") but because he was an absolute master of prose. If you want to write, whether it be agricultural reports or Scandinavian novels about psychopaths, you must read Wodehouse ■

Troubles by J G Farrell

In 2010, Troubles was the winner of the Lost Man Booker Prize, acknowledging it as the best novel of 1970. Set in -'01PIIPOPer" Ireland in 1919, it's a perfectly judged book, subtle and beautifully written, in which the metaphor— a crumbling hotel that represents the end of British rule in Ireland, and, indeed, the end of Empire—is woven into a sad and funny love story. I'd been working in Northern Ireland in the late 60s and early 70s, so the book resonated with me on many levels. But, more personally, it taught me that, whatever grief comes your way, you can and will survive.

ut of choosing any

In my youth, I often read I loved. It wasn't just the

Beat the Puzzleman!

The Puzzleman's speed in answering these five questions means he reigns supreme. Can you do better than his 20 minutes?

1 Use the letters given to complete the square, so the three other words can be read downwards and across. What are the words?

2 For each of the following, find a word beginning with A that has an opposite meaning. What are the words?

a) Decrease

b) Hinder

c) Disperse

3 A car has travelled 40 miles at 30mph. Its tank holds ten gallons of fuel, but has been leaking throughout the journey and is now dry. The car completes 24 miles per

gallon. How many gallons does it leak per hour?

4 At a garden centre, the Tropical Fish are between the Water Features and the Paving. The Garden Furniture is next to the Plant Pots. The Greenhouses are immediately after the Paving and the Garden Furniture is immediately after the Hot Tubs. The Water Features are next to the Plant Pots. In what order are the seven items?

5 What number should replace the question mark below?

So how did you score? A point for every correct answer

Here's the Puzzleman's verdict:

"A complete flop."

3-4 "Starting to gather momentum."

5 "Storming the charts!"

The first correct answer we pick on June 8 wins E50!*

Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk

Apart from all beginning with P, what do the following words have in common? PAW

Laugh!

WIN £70 FOR EVERY READER'S JOKE WE PUBLISH. EMAIL EXCERPTS@ READERSDIGEST.CO.UK OR GO TO FACEBOOK.COM/READERSDIGESTUK

"I Cover star Gary Lineker's favourite joke: I'm going to have to go with one by Tommy Cooper. It goes... I went to the doctor's. He said, "I'd like you to lie on the couch." I said, "What for?" He said, "I'd like to sweep the floor."

1 I spent £1,000 on a reincarnation seminar. That's a lot of money. But I thought, Oh, what the hell—you only live once.

Charlotte MacGregor, Murton, County Durham

1 A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes a sip, then throws the rest in the barman's face. "I'm sorry!" he sobs. "I keep doing that. It's so embarrassing!" The barman feels bad for the man and gets him to agree to see a psychiatrist. Six months later, he's back.

"Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" the barman asks, handing him a beer.

"Yes, weekly. He's great," says the man,

"Heed my words, young Jim—only ever visit a reputable fish pedicurist!"

as he throws his beer in the barman's face. "Great? You just threw another beer all over me!"

"Very true, but these days it doesn't embarrass me."

1 MY FAMILY AND I WERE AT A FRIEND'S house for a barbecue when the heavens opened and it started tipping it down.

My son remarked, "Hey, this rain is really wet."

My friend laughed, replying, "Talk about stating the obvious!"

"He's always doing that. I don't know who he gets it from..." My wife giggled, pointing a finger at me.

Several moments later, I turned to my friend and said, "He gets it from me."

Seen on the internet

1

Beside himself with panic, the expectant father shouts frantically on the phone, "My wife's having a baby and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.

"No," shouts Dad-to-be, "this is her husband!"

Kevin Barlow, Stafford

Why is it that the winner of the Miss Universe contest always comes from Earth?

Comedian Rich Hall

1 Nietzsche famously said, "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger." But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills you!

US TV host Conan O'Brien

1 What separates us from the other animals is that we aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Comedian Jeff Stilson

I'm wearing my new Hawaiian shirt. I just hope the bits of ham and pineapple don't fall off Comedian Tony Cowards, by Twitter

LITTLE EPIPHANIES #14:

Comedian Alun Cochrane inhabits a daydreamy world of surreal realisations and whimsy. This is his monthly moment of revelation

Young people are foolish. Or maybe I'm missing something. We all defy common sense occasionally, but I recently witnessed a young man make a real fool of himself in public. The youth in question was beckoning a friend at some distance from him. He shouted, "Oi!" then did it again, louder, and—here was his mistake—he brought both hands to his mouth, knitted his fingers together, and blew into his thumbs to recreate a sort of owl sound. The owl noise! A noise quieter than shouting and whistling, and never even proven effective in the beckoning of owls.

I try not to give it "the big I am", but I can whistle through my fingers at a decent volume—the level of a shrill alarm. With me on the case, that chap's pal would've turned around pronto, and any sports fans in the area would have suspected some kind of yellow-card level of infringement on whatever game was being played. But alas, he never had me as a teammate—all he had was a wet-sounding murmur that, to generations of young boys, has supposedly resembled an owl.

Last summer's riots made me worry about our teenagers, but this idiocy made me despair for their future, until his friend's head rotated 360 degrees and he returned the hoot.

JOKES SO BAD THEY'RE GOOD

Every father thinks his gags (often terrible) are hilarious. New collection, The Very Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes (Portico, £9.99), has some real howlers (that we secretly quite like).

0: What do you call a man with an exercise bike on his head?

A: Jim.

Q: What happened to the cat who ate a ball of wool?

A: She had mittens.

Q What happened when the orchestra played a concert in Bermuda?

A: The man playing the triangle disappeared.

LIFE IMITATES ART

Son: Dad, when are you going to report your stolen credit card?

Dad: I don't think I'll bother. The thief's spending less than your mum did.

Q: Why do puffins carry fish in their beaks?

A: Because they don't have any pockets.

Rambler: Will this path take me to the main road? Farmer No, you'll have to go by yourself.

Doctor: Do you want the good news or the bad?

Patient: Hmm...the good news, please.

Doctor: Well, you're going

to have a disease named after you.

Doctor: Say "aah" please.

Patient: Why?

Doctor My dog died yesterday.

Diner: Could you call me a taxi, please?

Waiter: Certainly, sir. You're a taxi.

A Christian was in the arena when a lion was released. The lion came up to him, knelt down and started praying. "It's a miracle!" said the Christian. "Actually," said the lion, "I'm just saying grace."

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Alex Home

BEST JOKE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?

I have a protracted section of material in my act on punctuation. It's based on the idea that we should physically indicate brackets, semi-colons and italics, and involves a lot of pedantic logic. I particularly love performing it when the audience really don't want to hear a protracted section of material about punctuation. I first did it in my 2004 Edinburgh show and have just written a musical version for this year's festival.

FAVOURITE JOKE?

"Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field." That is a fine joke. It works on kids and grown-ups, it includes both magic and farming...it has everything. It's probably impossible to track down the original writer, but I'd love to. Hopefully he (or she...but probably, statistically, he) retired to Antigua after writing it.

FAVOURITE TV SHOW?

BEST HECKLE YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?

I performed an open spot at South London comedy club Up The Creek back in the early 2000s. As soon as I walked on stage, they started shouting. "Give me a minute," I begged. "60, 59, 58, 57..." they counted down, as one. I left when they hit 20.

Alex Home is now on tour with his show Seven Years in the Bathroom. See alexhorne.com

The Office. I could have said Monty Python or A Bit of Fry and Laurie, but this was just taking hold of the UK when I was trying to get a toe on the comedy ladder, and it was so exciting. I still think it's the best TV comedy this millennium (although I also love You've Been Framed and always will).

FUNNIEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

I'd have to go for a moment in 2006 when I visited my brother, who was then living in South Africa. He'd arranged for us to meet, for the first time in six months, in a lovely bar by the sea. On my arrival, he held up his glass of crisp South African white wine, said, "Welcome to South Africa!" and a seagull immediately defecated directly into the glass. I felt welcome.

FINALLY, WHO'S YOUR COMEDY INSPIRATION?

Again, I could say John Cleese or Peter Cook, but in truth it's my friend Tim Key. I hate to give him any sort of praise, but I do think he's the best comedian out there right now. We share a sense of humour and also a small boy (my son, his godson). He's very funny. But I do hope he never reads this, as his head is already enormous. ■

Beat the Cartoonist!

WIN £100 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-June alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their

favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 4 by June 15. Enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/ caption. We'll announce the winner in our August issue. •

RUNNING NEXT MONTH...

Usain Bolt on a certain sporting event...

Reader Doreen Allen claimed victory this month "Do you want the five, ten or 20-year guarantee?"

Aaron's caption "Do you solemnly swear to update your Facebook status to 'married'?" ny a single vote.

APRIL'S WINNER ARD READERS CARTOONISTS

The Olympics: an insider's guide

The most common diseases you've never heard of Meera Syal's "I Remember" Britain's best beers, wines and ciders

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