Reader's Digest December 2012

DECEMBER 2012 FEATURES

“Who knows what the future of Christmas holds?” says comedian Andy Zaltzman. “I don’t, but I’m prepared to speculate wildly about it anyway.”

“My 100-word story was inspired by a visit to the local hospital,” author Josephine Cox reveals. “I was struck by how well-lookedafter the patients were, and how hard the nurses worked.”

“I really enjoyed doing the illustration for The Maverick article on in-laws. I’m personally looking forward to seeing my girlfriend’s parents at Christmas— they’re great people,” claims Jakob Hinrichs

90

While You Work

mark the 75th anniversary of Snow White, we look at how Disney changed film—and the world

BARRY MARSDEN (PIGLET)

Queen of curries

Madhur Ja rey —p84

Stories featured on the cover are shown in red

Swine and salvation —p62

WELCOME REGULARS

In the Christmas stampede for the latest gizmos (which is when you realise that the one you got last year is now about as technologically advanced as a carrier pigeon), it’s easy to lose sight of what the festive season is really about. To help rekindle the true spirit of Christmas, we asked some children to quiz their grandparents about Christmases past. Enjoy the wonderful reminiscences for yourself on p46.

Still find this time of year all too stressful? Then don’t miss our Stay Calm feature on p54 to help see you through.

And on p40, we’ve been talking to Sir Ian McKellen (an unexpectedly good Widow Twankie a few years back, I seem to recall), who has some thoughtprovoking insights into the long-term health of the acting profession.

Merry Christmas from all of us at Reader’s Digest!

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twitter.com/rdigest facebook.com/ readersdigestuk “Christmas

HOW TO GET FREE STUFF AT CHRISTMAS

We all feel the pinch at this time of year, so our Money expert Jasmine Birtles has come up with some great tips on freebies you can make the most of. Listen to her podcast at readersdigest.co.uk/magazine

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Letter of the Month

“The World’s Weirdest Competitions” brought back a painful memory from my childhood. Next to our school on the Isle of Wight was a park with a swing, much in the style of Ado Kosk’s [above]—it had a pole at each end supporting a long bench, with spaces for children to sit astride it. Two kids would stand as your picture shows, pushing the swing as high and fast as their efforts allowed.

One day, a friend and I were playing on it when a group of girls approached us and asked to have a go. Boys being boys, we ignored them. Then a voice said, “If you don’t get off, we’ll knock you off!” The next thing I knew, I was in freefall, with the swing flying back and hitting me in the face. An X-ray later showed no broken bones, but my mother couldn’t look at my swollen face for weeks (she sent my sister to my room with my meals).

It was a huge dent to my ego, and I never did get the swing near the height described in your article!

Ron Chiverton, Dorset

high achievers

How uplifting to read the stories of Matt, Sally and Alison in “The Incredibles”. They don’t just overcome their handicaps —they surpass most ablebodied folk. The never-give-up attitude of these wonderful people never ceases to amaze me. It’s a reminder of our paralympians, who were such an inspiration this year.

It humbles me, as I’m sure it does many, and makes one think twice before complaining about a broken tooth, a bad headache or an arthritic knee. We should count our blessings every day.

Jan Cunningham, Hertfordshire

It’s great to read about individuals who haven’t let their disabilities stop them from realising their dreams. I have a friend with cerebral palsy who’s confined to a wheelchair. Despite this, she drives her own car, works part-time for the Samaritans, and still manages to do everyday chores.

Hannah Bryan, Merseyside

home economics

The section in “1,001 Things” about adding value to your home made an important

omission. It covered everything from a loft extension to resurfacing the drive, but it failed to mention a new kitchen. Surely this is one of the most important rooms in the house.

tim Coles, Bedfordshire

comParing care

“Should You Go Private?” was a thoughtprovoking article. I had a baby privately because I had complications after surgery

TWEET OF THE MONTH

Jeremy Davies @JAODavies

Had a letter published in @rdigest. May as well retire from writing now—it doesn’t get any better than this!

and needed to be monitored. My next baby was born in an NHS hospital. The only aspect of care I missed was a nurse to sit with me and help me with breastfeeding. With private care, the nurses have a lot more time to spend with their patients, and I think this should apply across the board. Jade symonds, london

brUsh with caUtion

Alice Hart-Davis says in Beauty that she spent £250 on “the Ferrari of the [tooth] brush world”. After a month, her tea and coffee stains were gone, but how much enamel has she lost in the process? I know I’ve lost enamel by brushing too much, and the speed of electric brushes is getting higher. I’d advise people to consult a reputable dentist first.

Willemina Rietsema, oxford

►

your tips for a perfect christmas!

readers’ suggestions for the festive season

Winning wrapping…

The comic section of a newspaper makes nice wrapping paper. I once saved them up for a few months before Christmas and had enough to wrap a gift out of a relative’s favourite comic strip. He thought it was great!

Molly Burton, Clwyd

Turn tiny gifts for adults and children into snowball surprises. Cover the gift in cotton wool and add a coloured bow.

Lois Jones, North Wales

I use the thinnest paper when wrapping presents for very small children—it’s much easier for little hands to rip open.

Ginette Hughes, Hertfordshire

Take photographs of your kids opening their presents from relatives or friends, then enclose the prints with their thank-you letters after Christmas.

Anna Hammett, Cheshire

tasty morsels…

Layer leftover Christmas pudding with buttered bread. Add an egg custard made from two eggs mixed with half a pint of milk, and bake until set and golden brown.

Kym Milton, Cambridgeshire

You can turn almost any leftover into a fabulous soup using this

formula: one part onion, one part potato, four parts any other vegetables, and enough stock to cover.

Amelia Barnes, Denbighshire

When roasting chestnuts, make a slit in the side of all except one. This will pop when cooked, sometimes violently, indicating that the others are also ready.

Shona Lloyd, Clwyd

…and something extra special!

The simple act of folding each page of a Reader’s Digest into three triangles turns the book into a cone; apply wings, arms holding a book, and a head to make an angel; top it off with silver spray and tinsel, and you have a Reader’s Digest angel!

Linda Harper, Yorkshire

r a d ar

Life of Pi: the owl and the pussycat sadly didn’t make it

Film

Author and BBC2 Review

Show critic Natalie Haynes on the new releases

in cinemas

Life of Pi Director Ang Lee is at his best when given a story with a beautiful backdrop— think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. And you can’t get much lovelier than the semi-real world of Yann Martel’s Booker-Prizewinning novel: a ship-wrecked boy lost in a great blue ocean —with a tiger called Richard Parker for company. The magical tone of this adaptation is perfect for Christmas.

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Yes, I know the big film this month is The Hobbit. But

your short, sharp guide to december ►

after three Lord of the Rings and eight Harry Potters, I think I’ve had all the elves and dwarves I can cope with for now. So I’d rather treat myself to this glorious rereleased melodrama—a fantastic film to see on the big screen. Bette Davis (right) and Joan Crawford could barely contain their reallife loathing for each other,

and it spills over into the film. Did Joan really campaign against

Bette winning an Oscar for her performance? Did she put lead weights in her dress so that Bette hurt her back? If it isn’t true, it should be. Roasted rats for dinner all round!

dvds

The Imposter

One of the twistiest thrillers I’ve ever seen. Just brilliant.

gadgets

christmas toys special Nintendo Wii U, £249 Wii’s gesture controllers transformed the family console, as countless grandparents whacked grandkids in the face with golf swings. The Wii U’s GamePad is another landmark: a touch-screen tablet that controls the action on the TV, but also functions as a hand-held device.

The Dark Knight

Rises Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman steals the film from under Batman’s nose.

Sphero, £99.99 Throwing balls around is so last century. This spherical spectacle syncs with your phone so you can control it from your couch. It rolls along at three feet per second, swims through water, and has an LED display with 16.8 million colours. Teasing the cat with it is hilarious!

Technology expert and Answer Me This! podcaster

Olly Mann reveals the latest must-haves

Scalextric: James Bond Skyfall set, from £44.99 Miniaturises 007’s latest wheels for young film fans. Dads must fight the urge not to pocket the dinky Aston Martin for themselves.

Playmobil Princess Wedding advent calendar, £16.99 Rather than chocolate, this dispenses daily pieces of plastic prettiness that form a fairytale wedding on December 25. (Though real princesses would probably get married the following weekend, when they can hog the limelight.)

LeapFrog LeapPad2 Explorer, The best of the “iPad for kids” products, this “edutainment” tablet edutains sprogs aged three to nine, automatically adjusting to their reading age. A front-facing camera means you can add their face to game characters, too.

as tasty— particularly the

BBC 6 Music’s Stuart Maconie’s pick of the recent releases

Jake Bugg by Jake Bugg

Think the punk East Midlands

Bob Dylan. Check out the direct, almost confrontational black-and-white snap of the 60s-styled Bugg on the sleeve of his debut record (above) and you’ll see you’re being invited to buy into a timeline that runs straight from The Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan to Definitely Maybe Bugg’s songs of council-estate dole dreams have a raw, busker urgency and a classic appeal.

Sunken Condos by Donald Fagen Lenny Bruce meets Hall and Oates. Fagen’s work (either with Steely Dan or as a solo artist) can reek of a sneering clever-dickery that’s distinctly off-putting. But at its best, it has a rare elan and

style. Unchecked by the poppier sensibilities of Dan cohort Walter Becker, Fagen prefers a lounge-jazz style for his barbed tales of selfloathing, ageing and consumerism. It’s as dry and cold as a Martini, and almost as tasty— particularly on the very Dan-ish “I’m Not the Same Without You”.

Celebration Day by Led Zeppelin

Think the motherlode of male rock.

Just before Christmas 2007, to celebrate the life of legendary Atlantic records boss Ahmet Ertegun, arguably the greatest rock band in history reconvened at London’s 02 arena for one night only.

The reunion show was the mostcoveted ticket

in rock history, and now you’re promised a “front row” seat via this live DVD and album.

All the classics are here, played with an imposing modern-rock musculature (if perhaps not the faint sinister whiff of yore).

PDC World Darts Championships, Alexandra Palace, London,

December 14–January 1

Next year begins early in Darts-land, as the 2013 world championships arrows off with 2012 kicking and screaming and claiming to be still alive.

Fifteen-times winner Phil “The Power” Taylor (above) will be looking to atone for an early exit in the 2012 Championships in 2011. But the 52-year-old (also five-time UK Subbuteo Agincourt champion) will have to overcome current champion Adrian Lewis’s bid for a third successive trophy.

London Chess Classic, Olympia, December 1–10

Arguably the strongest chess tournament in British history,

ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month’s action

Rose Schaffer, 31, housewife

featuring former and current world champions Vladimir Kramnik and Viswanathan Anand, plus world number one Magnus Carlsen, and Judit Polgár, the best female player in history.

Organisers are praying that there’s no repeat of the ugly hooliganism that marred the 2011 Addis Ababa Open, resulting in a riot policeman having a knight surgically removed from his eye socket. This will also be the first-ever chess tournament to feature female bishops. aLso oN

December 3 Twentieth anniversary of first text message. December 16 BBC Sports Personality of the Year. December 31 Dr Rowan Williams steps down as Archbishop of Canterbury.

WatchiNg: Horizon (BBC2). Gives me lots of “fancy that” facts, and I like calling myself a sofa scientist.

ListeNiNg: Distant Worlds. An orchestral recording of the music from the Final Fantasy videogame series. Takes me back to my youth as a gamer.

oNLiNe: blogger.com

A site that’s helped me set up two blogs—one about my home city Leeds, and one where I just talk about things on my mind.

readiNg: 1Q84 by Haruki Murakami. A thriller based on Orwell’s 1984. You don’t quite know what’s going on until the end. ■

“YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AT CHRISTMAS…”

¶ Many years ago, when our son was about seven, he was very naughty just before Christmas, and I had to punish him. I later found out that he’d written to Father Christmas asking for “a new daddy”. More upsettingly, the note was in my wife’s handwriting.

Keith Hamber, Cardi

¶ My husband and I, plus our two children, had been invited to our neighbours’ for Christmas. They were totally disorganised, and told us it had been too late to buy a turkey. But not to worry—they had plenty of tinned meat from Finland to serve up.

Sadly, just as they were putting out the plates, they told us it was reindeer meat. Our kids’ faces were a picture—they didn’t eat a single morsel!

Jason Truby, Hertfordshire

¶ I was chatting to my friend about whether she should tell her son Robert the real story behind Santa. The problem was solved a few days later.

“Mum, I know the truth

¶ CHRISTMAS 1976 COMES TO MIND as one that went horribly wrong. Having two young daughters, I’d been preparing for the occasion for at least three months, even going to night classes. All was well on Christmas Eve morning: the stu ng balls were made and the cupboards were full of food. Feeling relaxed, I sent my husband to collect the turkey.

Then disaster struck—I hadn’t checked the butcher’s closing times, and he’d shut early. “What are we going to have with those stu ng balls?” demanded my husband when he met me at the front door. “Fish fingers?”

I was thinking the same thing as I stood in the front garden crying. But, at that moment, a kindly neighbour approached. “Come to my house, look in my freezer and pick out a joint of meat of your choice,” she said, putting her arm around me. What a relief! We ended up having a feast to remember, all thanks to that lovely lady.

Gail Broom, South Glamorgan

“You want a scary Christmas story? I’ll tell you how much my rail fare was to get here”

about Santa,” said Robert. “My friends at school told me. It’s you, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it’s true,” said Jane with a sigh.

“But Mum, what I don’t understand is how you get round the whole world,” he replied. Margo Wilkie, Isle of Mull

¶ When we lived in Africa, the festive season fell during the hottest weather. Nonetheless, we stuck to the traditions and always had a big tree on the patio with our presents round the base.

¶ IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE when my son came home with a purse he and his friends had found in the park. He said we needed to return it to the owner. This had happened to my

One Christmas morning, as we all gathered for the opening of these gifts, the dogs started an agitated barking, and we spotted a large snake entwined in the branches. We waited impatiently, but it wouldn’t budge—it just raised its head and stared back at us.

Eventually, my husband enticed it to curl round the end of a pole and carefully carried it away, but we still remember the unwelcome visitor to this day!

Sheila Chisnall, Devon

son before, and I admired his honesty.

The address was inside, so we both called over. The lady thanked us, but when she checked the purse, she said she thought there had

been two £20 notes in it— now there were eight £5s.

I looked at my son, and he replied, “Remember, Dad, the last lady didn’t have change for a reward.”

Ryan Roberts, Denbighshire

¶ Our customers often dig out their old film projectors at Christmas, and bring them to our photo/electronics business for attention.

One day, the intercom buzzed in my workshop, and a voice said, “Harry, will you come down to the shop?

There’s A Lad In about a Lamp.” Harry Leeming, Morecambe

¶ My family were abroad, so my neighbours kindly invited me for Christmas dinner. They even said it was fine when my cat followed me into their house. All was going OK until their baby started crying. My cat didn’t like it at all, and leapt startled onto the Christmas tree, sending it toppling in slow motion into their drinks cabinet, which smashed all over the floor.

Even if they invited me again,

¶ I GET THE SAME PRESENT from my godmother every Christmas—a box of hankies. It always goes straight into the charity shop in the New Year, but last Christmas my godmother was staying with us over the holidays,

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which I don’t think they will, I wouldn’t be able to go out of sheer embarrassment!

Liz Henman, Denbighshire

¶ My wife was on the phone to Virgin, our internet provider, last Christmas. Having had our problem solved by the helpful assistant, she took a note of who she was speaking to and a couple of other details. After hanging up, she looked down at her notes. They read: “Virgin Mary December 24.”

Steve Strode, Liverpool

and I had to open the present in front of her. I tried to look pleased, but she was watching me.

“Aren’t you going to open the box?” she asked.

I did, and to my horror

I saw a £20 note placed

in there. I really don’t like to think about all the cash I’ve given away to charity over the years, and how rude I must have appeared by not thanking her more profusely for the gift!

Josh Sumner, London ■

DON’T THINK YOU’RE AT RISK OF HEART DISEASE? THINK AGAIN ...

Most women are surprised to learn that heart disease is three times more likely to cut their life short than breast cancer. So what if we told you that simple diet and lifestyle changes can help improve your cholesterol levels and reduce your risk of heart disease?

Flora pro.activ and the British Heart Foundation are working together to help you protect your heart.

A balanced, healthy diet. Base your meals on starchy carbohydrates and have at least five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, along with some lean meat, fish, eggs (or vegetarian alternatives), and lowfat milk and dairy. Avoid adding salt to your food and check nutrition labels to see how much is in the foods you are buying. Replace “bad” saturated fats with “good” unsaturated fats. To help lower your LDL cholesterol levels, choose oily fish, nuts and seeds and avoid lard, cakes, pastries and fatty meats.

Keep moving.

Being physically active is crucial to keeping your heart healthy. Aim for 30 minutes of moderate intensity physical activity at least five times a week. Exercise classes or sport are fine but remember that walking, gardening and climbing the stairs can all count too. Variety is key!

Get chatting. Take charge of talking about the risks of high cholesterol with friends and family. So many women don’t realise heart disease could happen to them, and are less likely to recognise heartattack symptoms.

“Your heart is the engine. If it’s not looked after, you’re never going to feel as good as you can.”

GABBY LOGAN

Love your heart campaign ambassador Gabby Logan is working with Flora pro.activ and the British Heart Foundation to get women talking about their health, so together we can fight against heart disease.

Word poWer

Harry mount looks back at the birth of a

nation

December 6 sees the 90th anniversary of the irish Free State coming into being, following the signing of the Anglo-irish Treaty (above). This led to the birth of the current Republic of ireland. Put your knowledge of the Emerald isle to the test by answering A, B or C.

1 shillelagh (shuh-lay-lee)

n A mermaid B wooden club C late-night party

2 banshee n A wailing female spirit B horse tail C ornamental hat

3 lough (loch) n A straw

bale B lake C key

4 brogue n A water

tap B boring person

C leather shoe

5 keen v A riffle through a book B cut back C lament the dead

6 shebeen n

A illegal bar B rabbit

C ancient chieftain

7 craic (crack) n

A wallpaper B good atmosphere C back door

8 Taoiseach (tee-shock)

n A Irish prime minister

B burial mound

C wedding march

OUR COVER STAR

IAN MCKELLEN’S FAVOURITE WORD?

“Serendipity”

9 Garda n

A village priest

B pub landlord

C police force

10 hooley n

A sheep’s cheese B wild party C football net

11 sleeveen n A top shelf B shiny surface

C sly person

12 galore (ger-lore) adv

A sweet-tasting

B much hated

C in great numbers

13 sliotar n

A narrow valley B ball used in hurling C place of worship

14 poteen n

A illicit spirit B necklace

C table leg

15 colleen n

A chandelier B wine glass

C young woman

A phrase is born: Techlife balance

First spotted in British papers a year ago, techlife balance is the ideal compromise between on-screen time and time spent away from the computer. A mobile-phone addict, for example, would have a terrible techlife balance.

RD Rating Useful? 8/10 Likeable? 6/10

Word poWer ansWers

9–11 getting there 12–13 impressive 14–15 word-power wizard!

1 shillelagh B wooden club. “Shillelaghs tend to be made out of oak or blackthorn.” Gaelic sail (cudgel) and eille (leash).

2 banshee A wailing female spirit. “At night, you could hear the banshees howl.” Gaelic bean sidhe (woman of the fairy mound).

3 lough B lake. “The lough opened off the sea.” Irish loch (lake).

Win!

WhaT’s your favouriTe Word?

4 brogue—C leather shoe. “The full brogue has all sorts of perforations in the leather.” Gaelic brog (boot).

5 keen C lament the dead. “You could hear the keening at the funeral wake.” Gaelic caoine (wail).

6 shebeen A illegal bar. “You’ll often find home-distilled whiskey at shebeens.” Gaelic sibin (beer).

7 craic B good atmosphere. “There was good craic at the wedding.” Ulster Scots.

8 Taoiseach—A Irish prime minister. “The Taoiseach’s office

Did you know that “frore” is an ancient English word for very cold or frosty? You’ll find it in the Chambers Thesaurus, along with many others. To mark the new edition, we’ve teamed up with Chambers to launch a word-lovers’ competition —all you have to do is tell us your favourite word and you could win £100 in cash plus £100-worth of Chambers products (there are 50 runner-up prizes up for grabs, too). Enter at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine

can be found in Dublin.” Gaelic (leader).

9 Garda—C police force. “The Garda arrived to break up the fight.” Gaelic Garda Síochána (Civic Guard).

10 hooley B wild party. “The hooley went on until dawn.”

11 sleeveen C sly person. “The salesman was quite a sleeveen.”

Gaelic slibhin (“bh” in Play WP online: go to readersdigest. co.uk/wordpower

Gaelic is often pronounced as “v” in English).

12 galore C in great numbers. “There was ice cream galore.” Gaelic go leor (to sufficiency).

13 sliotar—B ball used in hurling. “The sliotar was thrown hard.”

14 poteen—A illicit spirit. “Poteen is often distilled from potatoes.”

Gaelic poitin (little pot).

15 colleen C young woman. “I was bewitched by the colleen.”

Gaelic cailin (a girl). n

IN THE FUTURE…

...our friends may be electric, says Gary Rimmer

Soluble circuits

Researchers at the University of Illinois have combined silicon, silkworm cocoons and magnesium electrodes to create electronics that dissolve in water and body fluids. This has huge medical potential (for drug delivery in particular), as well as helping solve the problem of electronic waste disposal. The key to these so-called “transient electronics” is the silk proteins —how quickly they degrade controls the circuits’ durability. By a controlled dissolving and re-crystallising of the proteins, the electronics can be made to last from a few weeks to a few years. Devices already built in the lab include temperature sensors, solar cells, transistors and digital cameras. Expect them to be in wide use by 2020.

Slightly less hard of hearing

Scientists studying human stem cells have already made progress in treating blindness, paralysis, and “regenerative endodontics” (growing new teeth). Next on the list could be profound hearing loss.

She eld researchers have successfully grown and transplanted auditory nerves into hearingimpaired gerbils. By 2025, this could “cure” auditory neuropathy. Ukrainian students are also working on a glove to turn sign language into audible speech.

This could circumvent years of study for hearingimpaired youngsters, and ease the obligation some deaf people feel about vocalising for the hearing.

years of study for hearingRice dreams

A new rice strain that grows to five times bigger in half the usual amount of water may prove crucial in fighting hunger. And as it can stand drier, colder and saltier conditions, it can grow in places previously unsuitable for cultivation.

A University of Washington researcher observed a grass able to thrive in geothermal hot springs, and realised it was due to a symbiotic relationship the grass had with a particular fungus. Applying this fungus to rice worked, too. It could be growing by 2015. ■

INStaNt expert

Harry Mount reveals the facts behind the news

The Beveridge Report was the original basis for the post-war welfare state. To mark the 70th anniversary of its publication this month, we look at why it was so cruciai for shaping today’s Britain

Who was William Beveridge?

He was the social reformer and economist largely responsible for writing the report. The Master of University College, Oxford, Beveridge had written books on unemployment and social issues since 1909. He was later elected MP for Berwick-uponTweed and made the first Baron Beveridge.

In 1941, he was asked by Ernest Bevin, the Labour minister, to compose a report on social insurance. The Beveridge Report —officially known as the Report of the Inter-Departmental Committee on Social Insurance and Allied Services —came out a year later.

Why was his report so important?

Because its suggestions were largely adopted by the post-war Labour government in the creation of the welfare state.

Before the war, there was some limited provision for unemployment pay, free health cover and state-paid housing, and Lloyd George had first set up a National Insurance scheme in 1911. But the social benefits on offer remained basic, and that gap was addressed by the Beveridge Report, which was much acclaimed at the time

What does it say?

Beveridge framed the report in terms of the five Giant Evils of modern society: squalor, ignorance, want, idleness and disease

Indeed, the impact was increased by his use of such vivid language. Beveridge’s idea was that, in return for all workers paying weekly National Insurance contributions, a new system would produce a minimum standard of living, “below which no one should be allowed to fall”.

He was particularly opposed to means-tested benefits—he suggested a flat contribution rate and a flat benefit rate for all employees. Following these reforms, Beveridge envisaged a world of full employment of well-fed workers in good health.

The Beveridge Report

How was it implemented?

In 1945, the Labour leader Clement Attlee defeated Winston Churchill in the general election. Attlee was an admirer of Beveridge’s report, and in 1948 he set up the National Health Service in response to it, based on the principle of free medical treatment for all paid for by the taxpayer. Beveridge’s suggestion of national benefits, largely paid for out of National Insurance, was adopted. The concept of a government-provided welfare scheme, from “cradle to grave”, had been founded.

A poster from 1942 depicting the Finsbury Health Centre in London as a model for a future national health service

Does the welfare state today reflect the spirit of the Beveridge Report?

In part, yes. The idea of government welfare, available from cradle to grave, still survives; and the founding ethos of the NHS is still revered. But even if a cashstrapped government could afford to keep the current welfare state, much of it wouldn’t be recognised by Beveridge, particularly when it comes to the longterm unemployed.

His intention was to provide welfare within the framework of paid work—hence his inclusion of “idleness” among the five Giant Evils. In his report, he wrote that the state “should not stifle incentive, opportunity, responsibility; in establishing a national minimum, it should leave room and encouragement for voluntary action by each individual to provide more than that minimum for himself and his family”. ■

IF I RULED THE WORLD

Simon Jenkins

Simon Jenkins is chairman of the National Trust. He’s also a columnist for The Guardian and Evening Standard, and was editor of The Times and Evening Standard. His books include works on the press, politics and architecture, such as England’s Thousand Best Churches.

I’d prevent any building over 100 years old from being demolished. in the far east, there’s very little left that’s more than a century old, and people have to come to europe to see anything really ancient. We need to respect the past.

I’d stop building on green space. fields, woods, mountains and our own back gardens are the lungs of the world. in britain, we’ve got plenty of so-called brownfield sites— land that is available for redevelopment—so there’s no need to destroy any more green space.

I’d protect views in the same way we protect a great church or building or countryside. Views are beautiful, and people need beauty in the lives. more than 100 years ago, octavia Hill, one of the founders of the

national trust, championed the need for conservation of open spaces—“a few acres where the hilltop enables the londoner to rise above the smoke…and to see the sun setting in coloured glory which abounds so in the earth God made”.

Every community would have a directly-elected mayor. this would mean communities had some self-governance and a representative to speak on their behalf. it’s quite wrong that, in times of trouble, a policeman or vicar is called upon to try and embody the sufferings of a community. We have titular mayors in this country and around a dozen elected ones, but i’d like to see more.

I’d like everyone to be a member of the National Trust. as well as introducing people to beautiful architecture and gardens, i’d encourage everyone to visit the countryside and walk. the national trust makes thousands of acres available for people to walk in, and it’s such an important physical activity. it combats obesity, makes you feel fit and healthy, and relieves stress. the national trust looks

after more than 700 miles of coastland and 615,000 acres of countryside and, more often than not, all you have to pay for is the car park.

History is much more important than maths, although one hardly dares say that ‘‘ ’’

I’d make history classes compulsory at school. History is much more important than maths—although one hardly dares say that, because maths has become almost a sacred subject, like theology was in the middle ages. i was forced to do advanced maths at school, and i’ve never used a single thing i learned; it’s all been useless. a lot of children are put off education altogether because they find maths so hard. it’s like saying everyone should study astrophysics—yes, of course we need some astrophysicists, but not a large number of them. but history goes to the heart of citizenship, an understanding of time, politics and leadership, and allows people to set things in context and make appropriate responses based on their understanding of the past. i also think things like law, child rearing, health and public speaking should be taught in schools but, because they aren’t esoteric, they aren’t on the curriculum. As told to Caroline Hutton

simon Jenkins’ new book

A Short History of England is out now

I’d tear down 90% of traffic lights. they are merely ways in which the state exerts control over us. they’re also dangerous; most accidents take place at traffic lights because everyone is looking at the lights and not at other road users. We’re obsessed with traffic lights in britain, and in london there’s a light practically every 30 yards, mostly with a clear street ahead. they’re a very inefficient way of enabling road users to get around.

I’d empower people with courtesy. young people are instinctively more caring than people give them credit for; being kind to each other is an important part of their lives, but they haven’t learned the rules. it’s important to know that opening a door, making sure you don’t turn your back on the person next to you, and letting someone go first at a road junction generates a spirit of kindness and puts you in control of the situation. courtesy isn’t about obeying rules but knowing how to prevent offence.

And finally...I’d make the sun shine every day! ■

illustrated by sam falconer

reasons to be cheerful

25. Giving and Receiving

Christmas presents are wonderful, but one special delivery years ago really sticks in James Brown’s mind

At the time of writing, I can tell you it’s 57 days, 13 hours, 35 minutes and 0 seconds to Christmas. My 11-yearold son has just sent me an email informing me of this under the subject: “Christmas is coming!” When I call him to say thank you, he bursts with the news that he already knows what he’s getting me and his little sister for Christmas, and only has my girlfriend and his mum to decide on. “I’m going to order yours online tomorrow. Oh, I know what I’ll get Lisa...” and he explodes into another idea. I’m 36 years older than him, but it’s hard not to be infected by his excitement.

It’s an unexpected pleasure that he’s so thrilled about what he’ll be giving people, rather than churning out a wish list of what he wants.

The old saying “It’s better to give than to receive” is hard to argue with. Certainly, once you’ve had over 40 birthdays and as many Christmases, it’s far more rewarding and easier to see someone beside themselves with joy than to feel that way yourself.

Getting someone something they really want is sure to guarantee a result. That doesn’t apply to my son— who obviously gets spoiled rotten—but my girlfriend’s been on the receiving end of this policy for a while now, and she’s still quite happy with her bike, ski suit, coat and iPad. One great present decided on early saves a lot of messing around and panic buying.

That to me is the key: know what you’re going to buy someone before you go shopping, and make sure it’s something they’ll definitely want. Mind you, I’m not sure how this works with the donkey I bought a friend for his 50th. They’re pretty cheap, donkeys, but in this case neither of us actually ever got to see it as it went straight to a village in Africa. I guess it was already over there—no one contacted me about getting it a plane ticket.

The first year I earned any money, CDs were the hot thing, and I bought a relative five CDs of her favourite bands. She was really chuffed, but pointed out she had nothing to play them on. I then pulled out a massive box containing a CD ghetto blaster, to which she replied, “Wow, it feels like being a kid again!” That has to be the sign of a good Christmas: helping adults feel like children again.

Giving is better than receiving, but

receiving isn’t too bad either. I’ve had some great presents, including a fancydress gorilla suit, Raymond Chandler and James Lee Burke novels, framed pictures of my family, a cashmere jumper from J Crew, and Ralph Lauren polo shirts. Some of these cost a fair bit, but it’s not the money that counts. My favourite present last year was a framed list in different colours of things I love that my son had drawn up. It read, “James Loves LUFC [Leeds United Football Club], curry, Michael Caine films, shouting at the telly…” and so on. The last Christmas my mum was alive, she bought me CDs by the Stones and The Stooges, a pair of football shorts and a biscuit tin. That would do me every year, forever.

But I’ve experienced something even better than giving and receiving, and that’s delivering. Fifteen years ago, I gave a brilliant guy I’d employed a lift from London to his family home in Merthyr Tydfil. It was on my way to my then in-laws, and I knew it’d make for an entertaining Christmas Eve to have him in the passenger seat.

When I picked him up, he asked if I had much space in the back of the Jeep, and when I said yes, he replied, “Good, we’ll be needing it,” then spent the next 15 minutes filling the car. Really filling it.

“I haven’t been able to buy my family presents for a while, so I’ve gone to town,” he boomed. As we ►

My favourite present last year was a framed list in different colours of things I love that my son had drawn up

loaded up each parcel—and there were about 40 of them—he talked me through each one.

The car was warm and comfortable inside as Chris regaled me with funny stories about growing up in Merthyr, but outside there was a hell of a gale blowing. They’d shut the old bridge down at the River Severn, and we had to detour through Chepstow.

By the time we reached the town Chris called Murder Tydfil, it was well after midnight. We pulled up

a steep hill and into a small terraced lane. There was his mum waiting in the street with a cold bite blowing around her and tears in her eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” she said. She was tiny, he’s huge. She gave him a massive hug and said to me, “Thank you for bringing him.” n

James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: “We can’t concentrate, why should you?” You can follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown.

budding author S , take a bow

This lovelorn tale was one of thousands of yarns submitted to last year’s 100-word-story contest. We’ll be featuring a commended story in the magazine every month, and each day at readers digest.co.uk/magazine.

See p78 for details of this year’s contest.

Submitted by Fiona Jefferson, aberdeenshire

a second chance

They say we never forget our first love. True? The name in the obituaries jumped out: “Robertson— peacefully after a short illness,” and the funeral details.

So now I am sitting in a cold, gloomy church. Feet and fingers like ice. My circulation is not what it was. I see his sons come in, so like him my heart lurches. Now the line-up, shaking hands, words of sympathy.

“So sorry for the loss of your dear wife. If I can do anything at all, call me. I’m in the book.” Was there still a frisson between us? Oh, yes!

Fiona says: “I got the idea for this story when I passed a funeral at the local church, and wondered what connection all the people going in had to the deceased person. I’ve only recently started writing down all the ideas I’ve had rushing around in my head for years—this is the first time I’ve entered a competition or submitted anything to be printed.”

Fiona will receive a cheque for £70

Boogie

Sir Ian McKellen, star of new blockbuster The Hobbit, is the hippest, happening-est, yet most unassuming of national treasures. But could he also be the last of his kind?

by bEnji Wilson

Knight

there are few people who could be forgiven for taking themselves a bit seriously, but Ian McKellen is one. Shakespearean actor, Knight of the Realm, activist, megastar…none of these are insignificant designations. It’s therefore rather gratifying that he doesn’t take himself seriously at all.

“Reader’s Digest?” he says. “The last time I was in Reader’s Digest I think the front page said, ‘Ian McKellen. What to do about piles.’ They were two separate stories, but the headlines made them look one and the same.”

►

He gives a sage chuckle that sounds like Gandalf, the wise wizard of The Lord of the Rings. It’s the role that, in his sixties, took him from UK theatrical acclaim to global fame. Now, more than a decade on, it’s a role to which he’s returned. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first part of director Peter Jackson’s new trilogy, is about to arrive—and Ian has enjoyed making it more than ever.

Why? Because this younger version of Gandalf (albeit 60 years younger, out of a 7,000-year life) doesn’t take himself too seriously either.

“He’s the guy who likes a smoke, a drink and a joke. And he likes going down to Hobbiton and hanging out with those he adores. There’s an emphasis in this film on comedy.”

If playing Gandalf again has been a pleasure for Ian, getting The Hobbit films

off the ground has been frustrating. The project has been off and on—partly due to protracted rights disputes—for more than five years. “I thought more than twice about it. It begins to wear you down. You think, Do I really want to do this?”

In the end, what persuaded him were the words of a friend. “He said, ‘Look, Ian, all the fans of Lord of the Rings want The Hobbit to be made, and they want you in it.’ I thought, Yes, I’ve a responsibility beyond my own pleasure. So I had to clear 18 months. And at my age 18 months is quite a long time.”

What Ian was worried about wasn’t spending so much time away, but missing out on “new stuff, a challenge”. For example, he came back from Middle Earth (as he calls New Zealand) for six weeks to do The Syndicate, a play by Eduardo De Filippo, a favourite author.

From the stage to the Big screen

romeo and juliet, 1976

Ian’s romantic lead celebrated in a 2011 set of stamps marking 50 years of the Royal Shakespeare Company

amadeus, 1980

Ian in his Tony-award-winning performance on Broadway as Salieri (left) opposite Tim Curry as Mozart.

Yet, however much he yearns for the new, he knows it’ll most likely be Gandalf or his role as villain Magneto in X-Men —not his brilliant Lear or his Tony award for Amadeus—that he’ll be remembered for. And that’s fine. “I’ve always had very catholic tastes. Tolkien and X-Men are both good storytelling. They’re not franchises about cannibals or mindless outerspace visitors—these are epic tales that do more than entertain.”

Ian, as he puts it, isn’t “snooty”. In fact, he may be the world’s least pretentious celebrity. He’s lived in the same East End house in London for the last 30 years, long before it became trendy. The area’s recent regeneration suits him to a tee— he likes having a Waitrose supermarket at one end of the street and an eightscreen cinema at the other. He also likes to walk, although you’d think this would

bent, 1990

Playing Max (left) in Martin Sherman’s play, with Michael Cashman as Horst

be impossible for someone as famous as a 73-year-old Englishman can be.

“I remember a friend in Hollywood just before Lord of the Rings saying, ‘You know your life’s going to change forever.’ It has, but entirely beneficially. I’m a rather shy person, but now, because people connect me with Gandalf, that gives me a sense of security. I go on the Tube the whole time. If I go into town, two or three people will recognise me and say hello, but what’s wrong with that? Normally they say, ‘Thank you very much.’ ”

ian likes to remain close to his fans. At the Comic-Con festival in San Diego this year, where many a fantasy film gets its first screening, Ian and The Hobbit cast went to introduce snippets from the movie. Fans camped outside to bag a seat.

“I went round at midnight and said ►

x-men, 2000

As arch-villain Magneto, an early taste of Hollywood stardom

the lord of the rings (2001) and the hobbit (2012) Ian as Gandalf the wizard, a role that has brought him worldwide fame

hello to the campers—a little touch of Gandalf in the night. Their faces!”

Not every actor would think meeting hardcore devotees was special. Some would summon security. But to Ian, a theatre actor first and foremost, his fans are his audience—an integral part of every performance.

“Why do you act? You act for an audience. In the theatre, you’re in their presence. Film stars don’t know what it is to have an audience. You see some at awards ceremonies who can hardly make it to the middle of the stage they’re so nervous. There’s a microphone so they don’t have to project. And they read their words. You see a theatre actor come on and it’s, ‘Oh, hold on, there’s a show happening.’ Hugh Jackman at the Oscars—that’s a theatre man. Who happens to be a film star.”

the gandalf nod video

Over two million views on YouTube so far!

A “theatre man who happens to be a film star” is a one-line description of Ian McKellen, who came late to global screen success. “I’ve always been an actor for the long haul, hoping that it would be a career. It’s turned out to be a career and a life. It gave me self-confidence; gave me a purpose. And it all began for me with doing three years’ apprenticeship. I didn’t go to drama school.”

By apprenticeship he means working for a regional repertory theatre company. This isn’t an option that exists any more, which concerns Ian.

“The situation is desperate. There are no [resident] companies in this country —not even the National Theatre has one.

There’s a desert. The danger’s going to be that the current generation of actors won’t develop into good middle-aged performers because they won’t have been able to live from their work. The strength of British theatre should be that these actors in their middle years know what they’re doing and are good at it. Not rich, not famous, but making a living.”

Ian says he’s a “slogger who learned how to do it”, with major success following in the end. But the current system couldn’t produce another Sir Ian.

“No. Nor Derek Jacobi, Mike Gambon or Judi Dench. I got better as an actor, and still I’m getting better. That’s only been possible because there’s always been work.”

if all that makes ian sound like an oldtimer, he’s anything but. He wears young man’s clothes—today, a knitted hoodie

and green jeans—and he’s as interested in the new as he’s reverent of the old. He was blogging from the first Lord of the Rings film set at a time when most of us thought a blog was a misprint.

“I think I almost invented it really. We called it e-posts. Didn’t catch on.”

Ian blogged to many thousands of fans from the set of all three Lord of the Rings films, and he’s been at it again during The Hobbit. Every entry is neatly crafted, wry and entirely unpredictable, covering subjects ranging from Beckett to the size of Gandalf’s nose (smaller in The Hobbit, since you ask). He sees blogging as an extension of PR—and he tweets, too.

“I’ve always been interested in publicity. I remember doing Bent with Michael Cashman and going round London putting up our posters. All this internet stuff is far easier. It’s getting to the extent now where there’s so much of it that perhaps you don’t make any impact. I’ve not written a blog for six months. I must be the despair of my webmaster.”

it was his webmaster, it turns out, who sent him a link to a recent YouTube video. It featured a clip of Gandalf nodding on an endless loop, set to a Europop soundtrack. Inevitably, Ian doesn’t find it silly or cheapening.

“On its second day, one and a half million people looked at it. To have

entered the culture like that? Lovely. It’s not me nodding. It’s the image of Gandalf. Well: ha ha ha!”

Isn’t it frustrating to be better known for being a viral video clip than, for example, his recent triumphant international tour of Waiting for Godot?

“Millions and millions of people have seen Lord of the Rings. Of course, I’m more famous for that than Waiting for Godot. Just because a piece of work has been seen by so many more people doesn’t mean it’s less in value. I’d as soon see a pantomime as a revival of a Shakespeare: it all depends if it’s any good.”

In Gandalf, he may have found the perfect character—one that’s known to millions, appears in films that are, by most measures, good and one that Ian himself plainly adores.

“Sometimes I say to parents, ‘Do you mind your kids being so fond of Gandalf? He smokes, he drinks, he never seems to wash.’ But he’s got some other qualities that are admirable. I like the fact that Gandalf is grubby round the edges. He’s the eccentric granddad who’ll get you out of difficulties. And support you, push you into dangers. That’s not what I’m like as a person, I don’t think—but I don’t mind being associated with him.” ■

» The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey is released on December 14.

Reading through our local paper, we came upon this misprint. And I thought it was the children who wear us out!

Submitted by Harry Hawksworth, Lancashire

Christmas Past...

“What was Christmas really like in your day?”

Three children quiz their grandparents

photographed by julian anderson

Peggy AP: I love getting all festive for Christmas —the songs, the snow, the shopping and cooking. Was it like that when you were a child?

Peggy A: Not so much as it is now. Many of my early Christmases were spent in Leuchars, a small village in Fife, and the real celebrations were kept for New Year’s Eve.

On Christmas morning, though, we’d go out to friends and relatives and have a mince pie at each house. For dinner, we might have a bowl of kale soup—that was delicious, made with cabbage and lamb and pearl barley. But the thing you really looked forward to was the clootie dumpling. It was a bit like Christmas pudding—you tied it up in a ►

Peggy Alderson-PoPovic, 10, sPeAks to Peggy Alderson, 90, from HAstings, eAst sussex

great big piece of wet cloth and it boiled away for hours. There were charms hidden inside it. If you got the slice with the ring, it meant a wedding. If you got the thimble, you were going to remain a spinster.

Peggy AP: My favourite thing at Christmas is when the whole family gets together and I see all my cousins. What are your very best memories?

Peggy A: I remember the excitement of shop windows coming up to Christmas. We didn’t have the non-stop advertising you have today—it seems to me now that Christmas starts in September and everyone’s fed up with it by the time it arrives. But all the shops really made an effort.

We’d spend hours looking at toys in windows and choosing our favourites. And there were things such as dates and crystallised ginger that only came into the shops at Christmas. Not like nowadays, when you can have anything you want all of the time!

There were only three shops in our village, so the great thing was going to do Christmas shopping in Dundee. You had to get a bus, and then a boat across the Tay. Sometimes the weather was too bad and you’d have to wait for the waves to calm down. I remember one year a ship sank near Leuchars. It was full of oranges and nuts, and they all bobbed onto the shore! I think every child’s stocking must have had a tangerine in the toe that year—a great treat, because there were a lot of poor people in the 1930s.

My father was wrecked by shell shock in the First World War. He never really talked about it, except at Christmas when he’d tell us how the British soldiers and German soldiers left their trenches

on Christmas Day, and sang carols together in no man’s land. I loved to hear that story.

Peggy AP: Were there lots of parties?

Peggy A: Not so much for adults. But the Sunday school would have a children’s party, and sometimes there were skating parties when this big lake froze. I didn’t have any skates and insisted on borrowing some that were far too big for me from an old man. It was a long walk to the lake, and, of course, it was dark about three o’clock. But there were lanterns all around the lake edge, and there was always a woman selling hot potatoes.

Peggy AP: That sounds really magical!

Peggy A: It was rather. Thank you, Peggy.

Telling you about it has brought back so many happy memories!

tiA forde, 13, interviews winston forde, 71, A retired rAf squAdron leAder from leigHton

BuzzArd, BedfordsHire

Tia: What do you remember about Christmas when you were young?

Winston: Well, Tia, that was a long time ago and so much has changed. As you know, I grew up in Freetown, Sierra Leone, so perhaps the most striking difference

photographed by julian anderson

was the weather. Christmas was a sunny day. We didn’t have a Christmas tree because conifers didn’t grow there. On the other hand, the palm trees made a convincing backdrop for our Nativity plays! I was a chorister in the cathedral in Freetown, where my father was a civil servant, and it was always strange for me to sing “In the Bleak Midwinter” because none of us had experienced snow. When I came to England in the 1960s, I couldn’t

believe the cold and the chimney smoke rising from icy roofs.

Tia: The first thing I think about on Christmas morning is opening my stocking. What was the first thing you did?

Winston: We didn’t have Christmas stockings, and we didn’t have the idea of Santa Claus coming down the chimney. But I always looked forward to seeing my new clothes laid out—my parents always had new clothes for us—and we’d get ►

dressed up and go to church. The streets were full of people, all in their Christmas finery, and we’d watch the “masked devils” dancers. It wasn’t a Christmas tradition, precisely. It was the indigenous people’s way of celebrating.

Tia: It sounds like a carnival!

Winston: Well, we didn’t call it that, but you’re quite right. We had so much fun all day. When we came back from church, we had lots of lovely food. The special Christmas dish was called Jollof rice. It looked wonderfully festive—cooked in tomato purée so the rice turns red—and was full of pork and beef and all kinds of rich ingredients you wouldn’t have every day. Potatoes had to be imported —we always called them “Irish potatoes” —so they were thought a most exotic ingredient! And this is why, when you come to us on Boxing Day, Grandma always cooks Jollof rice for all of us.

Tia: And now Grandma has taught it to Dad [Kevin] and he makes it, too! I love the way these things are handed down. I think my favourite Christmas present ever was the book Grandma gave me about sewing, which her grandmother had given her. It’s in my bedroom, still in mint condition! And I love it when we all get together at your house and swap family stories at Christmas.

Winston: Families in Sierra Leone are quite extended, and we don’t wait for invitations. It was open house at Christmas. Food was always there, and people would go from house to house. Or we’d go to the beach and play games until night time.

The Queen’s Speech was a highlight. Sierra Leone was a British colony, and we were very loyal. Everything that happened in Britain was important to us, and there used to be real excitement about what

Her Majesty might say. Now we live in an age where we have to be told things before they happen. They’ve started “trailing” the Queen’s Speech, and I find it destroys the thrill.

Tia: So was Christmas better then?

Winston: There were different priorities. You and your brothers and sisters are lucky that presents play such an important role. I didn’t have that as a child. To us, the real present—the biggest gift from God—was the Baby Jesus. Freetown was a mixed community of Christians, Muslims and other denominations. But Christians seemed more ready then to celebrate the birth of Christ. And it was a special time for everyone, rich and poor, religious or not. Because, wherever you live in the world, Christmas is a time of celebration.

elle fegAn, 12, tAlks to renny cuddy, 66, A retired civil servAnt from newtownArds, county down

Elle: The night before Christmas is my favourite bit. We hang up our stockings, and try our hardest to get to sleep. We even have special Christmas pyjamas. Did you get as excited as us, Granda?

Renny: I certainly was excited, Elle. But, from about the age of 13, I was working in my family’s fish-and-chip shop. The Christmas run-up was very busy for us. The shop was like a social centre for our small town, Killyleagh. As well as the usual customers, you’d have carol singers coming round, and they’d all be given tea or bags of chips—whatever they wanted. On Christmas Eve we shut early, around 9pm. Then it was my job to scrub the tiles, drain the oil and wash the chip pans out.

You’d be working for two or three hours

photographed by michelle maccarron

before you could even think of hanging up your stocking!

Elle: And what did you get in your stocking after all that hard work?

Renny: It was always the same things: an apple, an orange and a half-crown— about 12p in today’s money.

Elle: That’s not much, compared with what you’d get nowadays.

Renny: Well, my family would save up and we’d buy other wee things for each other. My prize “Christmas box” was a toy fort with lead soldiers. I played for years with that, as happy as Larry.

Some of the kids round about wouldn’t have got as much. Maybe their dad would make them a “buggy”—an old bit of board with wheels. And they thought they were the bee’s knees. If you gave that to a child today, they’d put it on the tip!

Whatever you got, you took it out on Christmas morning. Everyone was in the street, and it was all, “You can have a ride on my bike if I can have a go with your pram.” Now it’s just kids with computers in their hands. I think Christmas was better then, for children. But maybe I just say that because I’m an old boy now!

Elle: I think it sounds really joyous and friendly. At Christmas, I don’t see my friends so much, because they’re with their families. Was it not such a family time then? ►

Renny: Oh, very much so. The thing that made it really special for us was having everybody round the table for turkey and all the trimmings at once. With us working so hard in the shop, the whole family would never really have sat down at the same time.

On Christmas night, everyone went to my granny’s. She had 12 children, so it was a big party! My aunties would have been baking for days—plum puddings and apple tarts. The great thing was to slide down Granny’s polished banisters. But you had to be careful because she didn’t stand for any nonsense. You were dressed up in your suit and tie, so you were expected to be on your best behaviour.

Elle: I can’t imagine that. I see you and Granny every day, but when you talk about your granny it’s nearly like you’re talking about a famous person!

I think I’d like to go back in time and have your kind of old-fashioned celebration. But I love the way we do ours, too. Just a different kind of Happy Christmas!

As told to E Jane Dickson

...Christmas future

What kind of festivities might we expect in 2020? over to rd’s futurologist gary rimmer and comedian andy Zaltzman...

traveL

• Gary Driverless cars (early versions, as owned by Google, were legalised recently in California) will mean no more excuses not to visit far-away relatives—but no need to abstain from the fun either. Sleep it off on the back seat while your vehicle takes you home.

• andy Fuel shortages will have made travel prohibitively expensive. So families will, instead, gather from all corners of the world through hologram link-ups, enabling them to have their traditional post-prandial Christmas rows while remaining safely several thousand miles apart.

Food

• Gary De-boning robots, currently under development in the US and Japan, will carve the turkey. But the Chinese, Indian and South American middle classes will be competing for that bird, too, so they could get pricey. The alternative may be an equivalent made on a 3D bio-printer from cultured meat and insect protein.

• andy Christmas puddings will have been outlawed by global anti-obscenity laws, in case someone might be offended by a pud that looks slightly like a breast.

illustrated by ciaran hughes

Weather

• Gary Some experts predict Arctic sea ice will have collapsed by 2016, causing harsh winters in the UK. All our Christmases may be white, but not necessarily in the idyllic way Bing imagined.

the date

• andy To spread consumer spending throughout the year and create a more balanced economy, the chancellor will analyse the economic rhythms of the nation and call a snap Christmas once every fiscal year, as and when he thinks it will most benefit the nation.

Presents

• Gary Christmas trees could be out of reach for many. A 12-foot tree rose from about £100 in 2009 to £144 last year, after Danish growers lost an EU subsidy and demand grew outside Europe. There are already 70 million “new” Christians in China alone, where refrigerated containers of fresh-cut trees feed a growing taste for Western-style festivities.

• andy Following a legal challenge, Christmas will have been reclassified as an “essentially commercial festival”. All Christian midnight masses will be forced to contain at least three ad breaks, as well as representatives from other major religions positioned in the congregation shouting, “Rubbish!” at five-minute intervals.

Festive vieWinG

• Gary It’ll be your choice whether you watch The Great Escape on your 82-inch 3D TV or the HD display inside your contact lens.

• andy The Queen’s Speech will be delivered in Mandarin (with English subtitles)—widely regarded as a regrettable but necessary sop to Britain’s new owners.

• andy In the continuing effort to heave the Exchequer back towards solvency, a government official will visit each household in Britain on Boxing Day and claim 25 per cent of all children’s presents. Taking Christmas presents from voting-age grown-ups will be rejected as too much of an electoral liability. ■ traditions

•Gary Quantum dot technology will let you alter the colour of those naff jumpers your aunt gives you. Indeed, we’ll give clothes as much for their apps as their style: clothes that cool you down; that clean themselves; that diagnose disease. A bra to monitor her heart might make a perfect gift for Gran, or perhaps an enzymeimpregnated blouse that checks her metabolism.

Frazzled and frenetic? try our tests and tips for coping with life’s strains

stAy CALm

stAy heALthy

Are you stressed?

Check how many of the following signs and symptoms apply to you

1. Sleeplessness (difficulty getting to sleep at night, or waking in the early hours)

2. Irritability

3. Difficulty making decisions

4. Lack of energy and aching muscles

5. Feeling threatened by life’s demands and other people

6. Digestive disorders, nausea, “butterflies” in the tummy

7. Pounding heart or palpitations

8. Excessive sweating or feeling shivery; dry mouth and throat

9. Headaches

10. Impaired memory and forgetfulness

11. Drinking more alcohol/smoking more, or using caffeine to keep going

12. Eating more or less than usual

13. Tearfulness and feeling unable to cope, even with things that used to feel easy

›

If you ticked three or more, you may be suffering from too much stress. These symptoms are warnings that you need to reassess the areas of your life that are producing it. Turn over to see how you could learn to cope better

is your personALity type A or type B?

Circle the number that best represents how you normally behave

Always feel under pressure

Extremely competitive

Always on time

Interrupts others

Impatient

Very ambitious

Tries to do lots of things at once

Talks loudly and quickly

Wants good job/seeks approval from peers

Fast at doing things

Pushes oneself and others

Hides feelings

Workaholic tendencies Eager

Never feel under pressure

Not at all competitive

Bad at timekeeping

Good listener Patient

Unambitious

Takes one thing at a time

Takes time talking

Cares about satisfying self/others’ approval unimportant

Does things slowly and steadily

Relaxed and easygoing

Expresses feelings

Lots of hobbies/interests outside work

Doesn’t rush at everything head first

Your total score will be between 14 and 70. If you’re closer to 14, you’re a chilled Type B; whereas towards 70 is stress-prone Type A. The mid-point is 42. While there are no absolute divisions between the two, most people lean more towards one than the other.

the trouBLe with type AS

Driven Type A behaviour can often lead to success; the highly focused Margaret Thatcher is one example. But Type As are always watching the clock, locked in a constant battle to achieve more in less time—a trait that has become known as “hurry sickness”. There’s a strong link between Type A personalities and heart problems; Type As generate stress for themselves and those around them, constantly triggering the body’s fight-or-flight response, setting off cortisol and adrenaline releases that are wearing for the body.

You can’t transform your personality type, but you can try to modify your most undesirable attributes and self-defeating behaviours. If you scored above 42, try the tips opposite.

tips For type AS

› Avoid other Type As. If you can’t (say, you’re married to one!), try to bite your tongue more often and curb your tendency to compete and win at all costs.

› Try to compliment and help those around you instead of always trying to outdo them.

› Consider the value of “being” more rather than “having” more.

› Recognise that delegating doesn’t mean you’re failing. Allow others to help—they’ll feel valuable as a result.

› When out driving, deliberately allow others to overtake you or start off before you at traffic lights.

› If someone cuts you up on the road, wave them on with a smile.

› If you’re standing in a slow-moving queue, let a couple of people push in front of you without seething with anger.

› Take up a leisurely outdoor activity, join a painting class (or anything that requires patient concentration), or read an absorbing book—but don’t skip pages, and only read one at a time!

› have a permanent jigsaw puzzle on the go, on a sideboard or on a tray that can be moved about. You can turn to it from time to time as an aid to calming down and as a creative distraction.

in the moment

Mindfulness training is based on a Buddhist teaching that says there’s no other time but the present moment, and that we should try to be fully present in whatever we’re doing. This releases us from much anxiety, as there’s usually nothing worrying about “right now”—it’s our thoughts about the past and fears for the future that cause us distress. But the past can’t be changed, and there may be nothing immediate you can do to affect the future. Grasping this immense yet simple truth can relieve much tension.

seven wAys to GAin some perspeCtive

1 Ask yourself, “Can I change anything?” If yes, set about changing whatever you can, as it’ll make you feel empowered. If no, ask yourself, “Can I accept the situation?” When you decide to accept something, you stop using energy to resist it and start to relax. Then new solutions may reveal themselves.

If you’re finding something hard to let go of, try to visualise putting it in a wooden box, closing the lid, and locking it.

2 Feed your senses with beautiful sights and sounds. Walk through parks, take the time to stare at magnificent buildings, or visit art galleries. “We become that which we behold,” as artist William Blake stated.

3 When nothing seems to be working out, remind yourself that most things change with time. If you can relax and go with the flow, things may resolve themselves when the time is right.

4 Enhance your environment with flowers, candles, low lighting, or calming incense. It’ll help you relax.

5 Listen to some happy music. music has an extraordinary power to change our mind and banish gloomy thoughts.

6 Distract yourself with a comedy DVD or humorous book. Encourage yourself to see the funny side of things.

7 Try never to take your worries to bed with you; make sure you get enough sleep. A rested mind and body will produce creative solutions.

Are ChiLdhood inFLuenCes stiLL AFFeCtinG you?

1. What was your position in your early family? Were you:

A. The eldest child?

B. A middle child of three?

C. The youngest?

D. One among more than two other siblings?

E. An only child?

A: You may still feel like the most important person in a room, and perhaps wonder why no one else sees you this way. First-borns are most likely to be self-assured, assertive, competitive and natural leaders.

B: You may feel you always have to compete with others to be noticed; the second-born has to compete with the more advanced and assured older sibling.

C: You may feel you should be given special consideration, be “babied”, or expect to be taken care of, or may look to others to take responsibility or sort out problems. The youngest child is often the most unconventional and adventurous.

D: You may feel most comfortable being part of a group and perhaps find it hard to function well if you’re alone too much, or too isolated, when there’s no one else against whom to measure yourself.

E: You may be happiest doing things alone, or find it hard to ask for help or include others in your decisions. Others may get angry at what they see as your lack of team spirit.

2. What were your family’s rules?

top tips Letting off steam

l Stamp your feet loudly like a toddler having a tantrum.

l Run up and down the stairs a few times, or go for a brisk walk around the block.

l Start a cleaning task that you’ve been avoiding for ages, and revel in being utterly miserable. You’ll feel better once that chore is behind you.

l Once you’ve let off steam, be sure to apply a relaxation technique to restore calm.

Think about whether these are still the basic principles by which you live. If so, much of your stress may derive from still trying to fit into someone else’s idea of what’s right and wrong, or trying to live up to others’ expectations. You need to act according to values that you truly believe in.

3. How did your parents (or carers) cope with stress?

Lots of people automatically react as their parents did when faced with stressful problems, rather than deciding for themselves the best way to react. But just because your parents handled things in a particular way doesn’t mean that you have to. You can adopt healthier ways of reacting that don’t raise your blood pressure and

cause the release of stress chemicals.

4. Is there a particular incident you recall from your early childhood that upset you greatly or frightened you? You might find that there are similarities with this early experience and the things that upset you now or cause you the most stress and anxiety.

If so, remind yourself that was then, and this is now. As adults, we have many more options open to us—we have more power, more control— yet we’re often thrown back into feeling small and powerless, regressing into the child we used to be. Acknowledging that you can take control to change things is the first step in overcoming anxiety.

5. If you behaved badly, were you given a telling-off, sent to your room or deprived of a special treat? Or were you made to feel guilty with no specific punishment? It could be that you punish yourself in similar ways in your present life, withholding enjoyment or treats from yourself, or withdrawing when you feel guilty about something. Or perhaps you just carry a feeling of non-specific guilt a lot of the time. Punishment and guilt are not the best way to deal with mistakes you may have made. You need to learn the lesson, forgive yourself and move on. We all make mistakes, but in every mistake is the potential to learn from the experience, grow and become wiser. ►

improve your mood by eating right

Boost serotonin

It’s regarded by many as a happiness chemical and sleep promoter, but this is an oversimplification. Serotonin affects our sleep, sexual behaviour, risk-taking, aggression, motivation, temperature regulation, exploratory behavior and eating (to name just a few). The amino acids tryptophan and 5-OH tryptophan are the building blocks for serotonin. Tryptophan, an essential amino acid (meaning our body can’t produce it but obtains it from foods), is abundant in the following:

how do you respond to stress?

When you feel wound up or angry, do you:

A. Sound off to a friend?

B. Try to hide it and continue as normal?

C. Reach for a snack?

D. Pour yourself an alcoholic drink?

E. Indulge in a little retail therapy?

F. Go out for a walk?

A. good idea. Talking over your problems can help you to distance yourself from them and look at them objectively.

B. A brave face is fine in some situations, and soldiering on may be the best result when, for instance, the source of

l Bananas l Cheese l Eggs l Fish

l Meat (both red and lean) l Milk

l Nuts (all kinds) l Peas l Potatoes

l Pumpkin, sesame and sunflower seeds

l Rice (both white and brown) l Soya beans and tofu l Spinach l Spirulina

l Wheat flour l Yogurt

Cut down on sugar

In the stress response, the body releases extra glucose from the liver, so it needs to take less in. Despite this, when under pressure, we crave sugary foods! Although they’ll give you an initial

stress is a tight deadline. But be careful that you’re not bottling up tension, as that will make you feel depressed. Do something physical as soon as you can—even if it’s just walking up and down the stairs in the office.

C. Chocolate and sugary

snacks are tempting when you’re stressed and will provide a quick sugar high, but if it’s your usual response you could end up piling on the pounds. Try a piece of fruit instead.

D. Alcohol undoubtedly eases tension but it’s also a depressant, so could end A

“high”, it’ll shortly be followed by a grumpy “low”. Fight the urge for sugar and you’ll enjoy more stable moods.

Make a cup of green tea

A Japanese study has found that drinking five cups of green tea daily, compared with only one, significantly reduced psychological stress. It’s thought that the polyphenols in the drink reduce the damaging effects of stress on the brain while stimulating the release of calming chemicals in the body.

up making you feel even worse, particularly if you drink alone. make it social—meet a friend and take a walk to your local pub.

E. sometimes spoiling yourself is just what you need—as long as it doesn’t become an expensive habit. But build in some physical exercise as well—walk to the shops and take the stairs in the department store.

F. Ideal, if you can. Or run, dance, or cycle. exercise boosts blood circulation to all parts of the body, including the brain, helping to clear the mind so you can think through problems effectively. exercise also boosts your endorphin levels, giving you a natural mood lift. ■

Keep your starch intake steady

If you go without food for many hours your blood sugar drops, and this is thought to contribute to panic attacks; the body releases adrenalin to keep its systems going, and this excess causes shakiness and panic-attack symptoms. If you suffer from them, eat something (preferably starchy) every three to four hours to keep your blood sugar steady. Eating carbohydrates at frequent intervals also helps with PMT, reducing weepiness, aggression and mood swings.

top tips

Affirming Psychologists suggest using affirmations—positive statements that reinforce your self-esteem—if you need a boost. Tell yourself, “I’m confident and I’m going to enjoy this,” even if you feel apprehensive. The more you repeat it, the more your unconscious mind begins to accept what you say.

Anchoring Think about a time

when you felt particularly in control. As you focus on this, close your eyes and feel confidence flow through your body. Then make a small movement, such as squeezing your thumb and forefinger together, to reinforce that sense of confidence. After practice, repeating the thumb/ finger gesture when anxious should restore a sense of calm.

Stay Calm

Stay Healthy is now available from all good bookshops, priced at £12.99

How one lonely pig turned an essex drugs runner into an unlikely entrepreneur

Saving Tracy’s Bacon

It’s 2001, there are two days until Christmas, and 47-year-old Tracy Mackness from Romford, Essex, is sitting in a prison cell.

She’s just been sentenced to ten years for conspiracy to supply £4m-worth of cannabis. Her mother Caroline’s cries on hearing the severity of the jail term are still ringing in Tracy’s ears, but she’s just stunned.

“I’d already done a few months on remand and honestly thought I’d be going home,” she recalls.

A bleak decade lay ahead for Tracy—plenty of time for her to reflect on how her life had gone so badly off the rails.

“My dad Douglas ran fruit-and-veg shops, we had a farm with horses, and I always had pretty much what I wanted,” Tracy remembers. “But he ►

BY CHRISTOPHER MIDDLETON

PHOTOGRAPHED

BY

BARRY MARSDEN

was always in and out of prison for everything from cattle rustling to hijacking lorries. When I was 14, he got put away for quite a long stretch. I developed a habit of going for flash, unreliable blokes with loads of cash, and that was part of my downfall. I was easily led, too.”

Tracy got increasingly mixed up with Essex gangsters and drug dealers. “Then, when it came to the cannabis trial, the people I’d been arrested with made out that I was the main person responsible, which wasn’t true. But I was known by the police, so the mud stuck.”

Throw in a history of clinical depression, two failed suicide attempts and two divorces, and Tracy’s post-prison prospects didn’t look good.

Who could have foreseen that, by 2012, this former bad girl would be the founder and managing director of a thriving business, with a staff of 20 and a turnover of hundreds of thousands of pounds per year?

Step forward from the ashes of her former self, 47-year-old Tracy, proprietor of one of Britain’s highest-profile independent sausage producers, The Giggly Pig Company. Tracy supplies 75 flavours of banger to some 30 farmers’ markets in the south of England (from Brixton to Haywards Heath), and several festivals, including the Hampton Court Flower Show and the East of England Garden Show. All the meat comes from 700 pigs on her two-and-a-half-acre farm, not so much nestling in the Cotswolds as

jammed up against the Southend Arterial Road at Hornchurch, Essex.

So how did the transformation occur? Did Tracy find God? No, she met a pig called Ivy.

“After a couple of years at Holloway Prison and Highpoint in Suffolk, I’d managed to get myself transferred to an open prison called East Sutton Park in Kent. At the time, I was planning to set up my own fitness business when I got out. I’d volunteered as a gym orderly in jail and done an NVQ as an instructor. But on my first day working at East Sutton’s farm, I turned the corner and suddenly there she was—this great, big, beautiful saddleback sow.

“I’d always been attracted to money. Yet here I was, falling in love with a pig!”

“Ivy and I both stood there and looked at each other. Both of us were in the same position, in a place we didn’t want to be, and something just happened. I decided, I want to look after you—and that’s what I proceeded to do. It was a complete change from my life before. I’d always been attracted to money, to men who were older and no good for me. Yet here I was, falling in love with a pig!”

And not just one pig, but the whole herd of 100 animals. Soon, Tracy was volunteering to spend all her working day with her trottered charges, and using all her spare time reading about them.

“In prison, I was the butt of jokes from the other girls, who were lying around reading Bella or Cosmo, while I was there with my copies of Farmers Weekly,” she recalls. “At lunch, people didn’t want me

in the canteen because I was dirty from mucking out the sties, so I’d take my food back out and eat with the pigs. Mind you, I often got more sense out of my animals than I did from the humans!”

Keen to make up for her lack of schooling (zero O levels), Tracy took a total of 52 different courses while in prison. And

what she’d earned at the butcher’s and spent half of it on 30 pigs from the prison farm (including Ivy), housing them in a small field borrowed from a friend.

as well as subjects such as “enhanced thinking skills” and “money management”, she also opted for pig husbandry, and talked herself into any number of classes on butchery and sausage-making.

“I studied twice as hard as anyone else, and learned twice as much,” she says. “It was a matter of knowing for certain that I wanted to run a pig-farming business, and trying to get as much knowledge as I could.” Tracy even got a job in a butcher’s near her mum’s house on day release, four years into her sentence.

Just over two years later, Tracy was given parole. Then the hard work really began—she’d saved some £3,000 from

The pigs probably enjoyed better accommodation than Tracy. They had a nice, dry, wooden piggery while she lived alongside them in a leaky, unheated mobile home, trying to survive on her remaining savings.

And they called it piggy love… Tracy at her farm in Hornchurch, Essex

“Every morning, I’d get up about 3am and start work. It was so cold, I could see the breath in front of me. If I wanted a bath, I had to go to my mum’s house. Prison was far more comfortable.

“Sometimes I’d just burst into tears, but I was determined not to give up. There were a lot of Doubting Thomases who’d known me before I went to prison, and who said I’d never stick to the farming, never carry it through.”

But a couple of months later, Tracy had rented part of a local butchery with the help of a £15,000 loan from a friend and had started making sausages—

doing everything herself, from preparing the flavourings to grinding the meat.

“I was confident I could make good products, but the key was finding somewhere to sell it. The people who ran the local farmers’ markets were suspicious of me because of my past. I’m not your typical pig-breeding gentleman with wellington boots and a cap.

“Finally, after weeks of phone calls and pleading, I managed to get a stall in Romford Market, where my dad used to work. My friend Kim would cook the sausages, my mum would stand on the pavement, giving them out as samples, and I’d be on the stand taking the money and trying to drum up business.

“Gradually, we started doing more markets in more locations, and I was able to increase the production of sausages and the number of pigs. Often, it’d just be me and my mum, but soon we were doing so many markets that I started taking on other as-and-when staff to man the stalls. I began getting accepted by the other farmers and food producers, too. Hopefully, those who had no faith in me now have egg on their faces.”

the vans, drives them to markets and sells them off the stall with her unique line of patter. “A happy pig is a tasty pig!”, “Don’t prick them, they don’t like it!”

This on top of taking all the bookings, sourcing new livestock, doing the accounts and despatching her sellers (18 at the last count) to her various pitches.

“I probably do more than I should,” she agrees. “But I don’t trust anyone. Some of the girls I was in prison with, you’d think butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths, yet they’d been fiddling thousands of pounds off people’s books. I like to know exactly what money is coming in, and exactly what’s going out.”

“Do you know what my number-one ambition is?

Her close control of her business has paid off. Within 18 months of setting up, she was able to pay off the £15,000 loan, and she now has a smarter mobile home. You only have to look at her face to see it’s her pride and joy.

Never to go back to prison”

“My Jack Russells [Sausage, Mash, Gravy and Chops] now live in the old home. This new one is beautiful: it’s got black marble tiles, a cream leather settee, central heating, and a walk-in wardrobe. It’s not brand new; it belonged to a gypsy woman, who kept it really clean.”

Tracy now has her own Giggly Pig shop in Harold Hill, Essex, and her bangers are always winning awards. They take in a range of ingredients, including olives, chestnuts, chunky bacon and jalapeño. There’s even a Marmite flavour!

What’s more, Tracy still rears the pigs, prepares the sausages, loads them into

Indeed, with the purchase of a new pig trailer, there’s nothing else that Tracy wants. She did become pregnant not long after leaving prison, but had a miscarriage, and although she has a live-in boyfriend, Barry, she acknowledges that her chance to have a family has gone.

As for ambitions, she says, “I’ve always

liked the idea of running my own sausageand-mash restaurant, though now’s not the right time—people haven’t got the money to go out much, at least not round here. Besides, there are business expenses: vans that need replacing; fences that the pigs have broken through.

“But do you want to know what my number-one ambition is? It’s never to go back to prison. It’s funny, though, because, looking back, it was the making of me. It’s probably just as well I got a ten-year sentence. Two years in jail doesn’t change you—it’s not long enough.”

Still, say her friends, though the newly entrepreneurial Tracy no longer gets into trouble with the law, she hasn’t changed too much.

“Take the other day,” says butcher Brian

Perkin, who Tracy talked out of retirement to help with the sausages. “I walk into a pub up the road, the first day it’s opened, and before I know what’s happening, Tracy’s got herself barred—and me.”

“All I did was ask them how they could justify calling their meat ‘locally produced’,” Tracy protests. “And I was right, wasn’t I? The only thing local about it was that they’d bought it at the supermarket down the road!”

“You see?” smiles Brian, casting her an affectionate glance over trays of meat. “She’s still the same old Tracy!”

And Ivy? She finally died last year after a relatively happy life breeding piglets on Tracy’s farm. n

» For more details, see gigglypig.co.uk

tricks of the mind/ the stopped-clock illusion

Have you ever looked at a clock or watch and noticed that the second hand seems to take ages to tick over? Researchers recreated this effect in a lab recently, and although it may seem bizarre, it’s actually very simple (honest!).

It’s all to do with the suppression of vision, something that happens whenever we move our eyes—the world would appear blurred or distorted

otherwise. When our eyes then settle on a fixed object, the brain makes a judgement (inaccurate in this case) on how long the object has stayed in one place.

In general, these illusions occur when the brain wrongly interprets information, often filling in any gaps with its own sensory perceptions.

Here’s one to try out yourself: Tune a radio to static*, then tape two halves of a pingpong ball over

your eyes—giving you a uniform white field— and lie on a couch. You should start experiencing weird sensory distortions: everything from strange images to random voices, although it varies from person to person. And don’t worry—it’s quite safe!

* This still works with AM radios. Or search for “static noise” on YouTube (yes, it’s there).

best

Napoleon described us as “a nation of shopkeepers”, so why just head out to a packed shopping mall this christmas when there are thousands of original, independent stores to explore instead? try some of these, for starters...

►

best-looking

James Smith & Sons, London

Discovering this shop is like stumbling into a tiny slice of a previous century, a minute away from Oxford Circus. The gold lettering on the shop front tells it like it is: “Umbrella and Stick Stores.”

best

tRADitionAl gRoCeR’s

Sawers, Belfast

Sawers’ boast is that they supplied fine foods to the Titanic (hammered together in the shipyard down the road) and have carried on ever since—through several changes of location, a couple of world wars, and also the Troubles.

Indeed, James Smith & Sons seems not to have changed one whit since it was founded in 1830. It still sells a selection of umbrellas, but now everything from the modern stash-in-the-handbag type to the classic gents’ model with hickory-wood handle—as well as walking, riding and shooting sticks, and back-scratchers in a variety of woods.

The interior is even more ornate, crammed with stock (look out for the animal-headed walking sticks) and walls adorned with deer antlers. The tolerant and bemused staff have a gentle, seen-itall-before air.

✰ Best Christmas present: “Drinking Stick” with flask and glasses, £95. Visit james-smith.co.uk

Sawers is a Mecca for food lovers in the area. “People say we’re the Harrods Food Hall of Belfast, but I think we’re better,” says Kieran Sloan, who describes himself as “owner, manager, dogsbody”. Star attraction is the fish counter (they had live tanks until the 1980s), with stock

so fresh it’s practically winking at you. They also supply anything from exotic meats (ostrich, zebra, etc) to a huge selection of cheeses.

✰ Best Christmas present: Chocolate-covered scorpion, £12.99 (a great gift for teenagers). Visit sawersbelfast.com

JORGE ROYAN/ALAMY (PREVIOUS SPREAD)

best FoR A sWeet tootH

Choccywoccydoodah, Brighton

More a fantasy boudoir than a chocolate emporium, there’s always a crush of sweet-toothed visitors coming to gawk.

Conveniently located in the dinky “Lanes” area of Brighton, it’s like a Tim Burton fantasy in icing sugar, and adds a new dimension to what can be done with 70% cocoa solids.

Choccywoccydoodah make “anything in chocolate”, with their speciality being figures (dogs, cats, birds, cherubs, you name it) and totally over-the-top “bonkers” (their words) handmade cakes for special occasions. The list of celebs they’ve supplied is huge, and includes Boy George and Johnny Depp.

If you want the Liberace of Christmas cakes, come right in (but they do boxes of chocolates, too).

✰ Best Christmas present: House-style cake with explosion of chocolate ruffles, £34.99 (feeds ten greedy people, they claim). Visit choccywoccydoodah. com (a new shop has also opened in London’s Carnaby Street) ► A “chocolate sculptured fantasy” from Choccywoccydoodah

BEST FOR GIRLY STUFF

Rose & Co Apothecary, West Yorkshire

Set in the village of Haworth, home to the Brontë family, an apothecary has been on this site since forever (it’s said to be the location of a pharmacy that supplied laudanum to Branwell, brother of Charlotte, Emily and Anne).

Now restored with dark-wood shop fittings, you half expect one of the Brontës to breeze in—except Rose & Co sell modern, own-brand products

with cute packaging designed to complement the shop. Celebrities such as Kate Winslet pop in to buy their best-selling Rose Petal Salve (pictured left). They also sell other upmarket brands (Dr Hauschka, for example), as well as a range of underwear. In short, perfect for a spot of present buying.

✰ Best Christmas present: Rose & Co own brand Milk of Roses Bath Salts, £10. Visit rose-apothecary.co.uk

best Deli

Valvona & Crolla, Edinburgh

A tiny, scruffy shopfront in a low-key part of Edinburgh is all that marks what’s been described as the “Sistine Chapel of continental delis”—a

cavernous space packed with Italian foods. Valvona & Crolla first started serving up salamis and cheeses in the Thirties; in 1940, when Mussolini sided with Hitler, anti-Italian fever ran so high that the original Georgian shop windows were kicked in and “red wine flowed like blood down Leith Walk”, according to one account.

Today, the atmosphere is calm and friendly. Anything Italian you could want is here, from umpteen types of pasta and polenta, wines and spirits (they’ve won several gongs for their vino) to the very best amaretti biscuits, breads and cakes. Sample olive oils at the testing bar, or settle in the excellent cafe serving Italian nosh and coffee.

✰ Best Christmas present: Fior’ Fiore extra virgin olive oil, £6.99. Visit valvonacrolla.co.uk

Italian you could want is here, ►

best FoR blokes

Rough Trade East, London

The best record shops, says music writer David Hepworth, have the air of an art gallery mixed with a bookie’s—improving but still slightly seedy. Rough Trade East fits the bill. Housed in a huge space just off Brick Lane, and founded in 1976 as one tiny shop, its own record label famously helped launch The Smiths.

Like bookshops, independent record shops are going down like badgers with TB, so need to diversify. The new Rough Trade East has vinyl and CDs, yes, but also a decent coffee shop, books, B&W photo booth and internet area, plus a stage. Such is the calibre of the Rough Trade name that big-wattage acts drop in, from the Pet Shop

B&W photo booth and internet

best FoR loiteRing

Barter Books, Northumberland

A huge secondhand book emporium housed in an elegant Victorian railway station, Barter Books achieved fame of a kind for being the spot where, ten years ago, the Keep Calm and Carry On poster was discovered in an old box. (For those who aren’t thoroughly sick of it, their website tells the story, and the original poster—the one that started the stampede—hangs by the cash till.)

Boys to Marianne Faithfull

Boys to Marianne Faithfull (left). It’s free, too—turn up on the night and get a wristband. This is one shop that men aren’t allergic to. Go, loiter and relive a (hopefully) misspent youth.

✰ Best Christmas present:

Rough Trade vouchers—they allow you to browse for hours! Visit roughtrade.com

Enter by the original ticket office to find open fires, comfy chairs and a coffee shop in what used to be the ladies’ first-class waiting room (serving three meals a day of hearty food). Some people, says manager David Champion, grab a bacon sandwich, sink into a chair and peruse books all day. Which is just fine by them.

As for the books, there are thousands of them, with prices ranging from 30p to £16,000.

✰ Best Christmas present: A 1975 Beano annual in good condition, £7.60. Visit barterbooks.co.uk

Signal features: Barter Books has a model train running between the book columns

best FoR HiP giFts

Utility, Liverpool

Every city needs a shop that sells covetable items, and Liverpool has Utility. According to owner Richard Skelton, their philosophy is firmly that design is for everyone. “You might not have the budget for a sofa,” he says, “but you will have for a card.”

Utility has three shops (one for furniture and lighting, the other two for accessories) where designer items such as Eames chairs (from £189) rub shoulders with gifts for under a tenner. There’s everything for your house, even a Liverpool range (such as the I Love Liverpool doormat, £27.50).

Best of all, unlike most purveyors of well-designed items, Utility isn’t the slightest bit snooty— indeed, it prides itself on friendly service. It also scooped a win at the Telegraph Magazine’s Best Small Shops in Britain Awards.

✰ Best Christmas present: Whos? Glass recycled vase made from a beer bottle, £14.95 (right). Visit utilitydesign.co.uk

FOR CRAFTY TYPES

Melin Tregwynt wool mill, Pembrokeshire

In the Pembrokeshire National Park on the coast between Fishguard and St Davids, shoppers have to search this out. And when they get there, they swiftly realise it’s not your average high-street softfurnishing joint.

Situated in a dinky whitewashed mill, Melin Tregwynt makes groovy stuff for your home—throws, cushions, poufs —plus toys, clothes and accessories, all in their signature retro designs. It’s the kind of thing you’d see in boutique hotels (and that’s exactly who they supply),

✰ Best Christmas present: Mondo cushion, £39, or a Lavender lamb in signature Mondo spot fabric, £10. Visit melintregwynt.co.uk BEST

best FoR ARtY tYPes

Salts Mill, Bradford

Well, OK, it’s a kind of shopping centre... but not as you know it. Salts Mill is a listed industrial space made of yellow sandstone, which was originally a woollen mill built by local Victorian entrepreneur Sir Titus Salt. It was reinjected with vigour in the 1980s by a man who originally met artist David Hockney in a Wimpy bar. Got that? Today, it’s part-Hockney-museum, part-commercialspace with an excellent bookshop,

and all made on

and all made on the premises. Visit Monday to Friday in order to see the fabric being spun.

“Visitors can wander around freely in the workshops,” says Eifion Griffiths, whose family has been weaving here for a century. Not cheap, but superior quality—and they have a cafe, too.

Painting of Salts Mill by David Hockney

best FoR AtMosPHeRe

AG Hendy & Co

Home Store, Hastings

A part-museum/part-shop owned by food writer, photographer and selftaught cook Alastair Hendy. Once an imposing Georgian house, it’s now a dark and moody hymn to classic British domestic design. Home goods and furniture star here, mostly functional and vintage stuff such as enamelware or Denby china, and absolutely no knick-knackery. It’s like spinning back in time.

“Some people burst into tears because they find something, such as an old tin bath, they haven’t seen for years,” says manager Emma Friedlander-Collins. At the weekend, Hendy cooks lunch at the attached cafe using the fresh catch from the beach.

Do you have a favourite shop? A good place to browse or hunt out presents? Then we’d love to know about it!

Send us an email —with a picture if possible—to theeditor@readers digest.co.uk

✰ Best Christmas present: Alastair Hendy’s book Mushrooms, £9.99, and a mushroom brush, £3.50. Visit homestore-hastings.co.uk

restaurants, galleries, paintings all over the walls, and opera murmuring gently in the background.

Shops range from those selling home trinkets to musical instruments. There’s long been a link with Hockney, who visited many times (and designed the china in the restaurant with pictures of his dachshunds Stanley and Boodge). In short, a place to shop where you can totally forget the pressures of shopping.

✰ Best Christmas present: Hockney dachshund china mug, £10.

Visit saltsmill.org.uk ■

NEXT MONTH: DESIGNS

WORD STORY COMPETITION

WIN £1,000!

Here are three more exclusive stories from top authors to get you in the mood for our 100word-story contest. Enter your own mini epic by following the instructions opposite—you could win big money!*

Josephine Cox

Soon after his father’s untimely death, Alfie was badly injured in a car crash.

When doctors amputated his right leg, Alfie lost the will to live. His mother pleaded, “Through all his trials, your dad never gave up. Fight on, Alfie.”

Using the artificial leg proved di cult. Alfie believed his life was over. “What woman would want me now?”

Through the window, the warm breeze touched his face. “You can do it,” his father whispered. “You’ll be fine, my son.”

With Nurse Mary’s dedication, Alfie struggled on. Later, standing at the altar with Mary, he whispered, “Thanks, Dad. Love you.”

▪

Josephine

Cox’s new book Three Letters (Harper, £7.99) is out now

Daisy Meadows

The snow was falling on Christmas Eve. In Fairyland, the Rainbow Magic fairies were enjoying a ball.

But someone was missing— Jack Frost. Even though he could be mean, the kind fairies knew that Christmas was a time for friendship and forgiveness. Holly the Christmas Fairy waved her wand and whispered, “Merry Christmas one and all, Jack Frost you will come to the ball!”

The Ice Lord appeared with his goblin gang. The naughty creatures were so pleased to be away from their lonely castle that they behaved almost perfectly, and Jack Frost wished everyone a very merry, frosty Christmas!

Tania Carver

He stood over the bodies. Knife in hand. He’d done it.

Killed his hateful neighbours after years of harassment and abuse.

He felt wonderful. He had nothing to live for. Nothing to lose.

The tests had come back positive. Cancer. Inoperable. Terminal.

“Time to get your house in order,” the doctor had said.

He had.

His phone rang. He answered. His wife.

“Darling,” she said, “Wonderful news. There’s been a mix up. You got the wrong results. Irritable bowel syndrome. Isn’t that fantastic?”

▪ Angelica the Angel Fairy, the latest in Daisy Meadow’s Rainbow Magic children’s series, is published by Hachette at £5.99

He dropped the knife. Sank to the floor. Ready to face the worst sentence of all.

Life.

HOW TO ENTER:

▪ Please send your stories —which should be original, unpublished and exactly 100 words long—to 100word story@readersdigest.co.uk by January 31, 2013.

▪ There are three categories —one for adults, and two

categories for schools: one for children aged 12–18, and one for children under 12.

▪ In the adult category, the entry voted best by our panel of judges will receive £1,000, and two runners-up will each receive £100 in book tokens.

▪ In each of the school

▪ Choked by Tania Carver (aka Martyn and Linda Waites) is published by Sphere (£10.99)

categories, the prize for the winner is £500 of high-street vouchers of their choice, and £500 for their school. Mark each entry either “Adults”, “Schools 12–18 category” or “Schools under-12 category”. Winning entries will be published in a future issue. ■

the maverick

“Don’t fear the inlaws at christmas. cele brate them”

Spending the holidays with a spouse’s family terrifies many, but Monica Porter argues that we should cherish these oft-maligned relatives

In-laws have been the butt of jokes since the invention of the stand-up comic. But the laughs ring a little hollow to me. In my view, your partner’s relatives should be a prized part of your life.

I got divorced 20 years ago, but it struck me recently that my erstwhile brother-in-law Stephen and sisterin-law Rosemary (my ex-husband’s brother and his wife) are firmer in my affections today than any number of friends who’ve come and gone over the decades.

What’s more, my former mum-in-law Dany, far from being the arch-enemy of popular perception, is my friend and confidante. We have great chats over tea and cakes. She says she still sees me as her daughter-inlaw, despite the fact she now has a new one.

There are sound reasons for this. First of all, we go back a long way. The in-laws have known me since the mid-Seventies, and I was a family “insider” for 18 years. I’ve watched Stephen and Rosemary’s kids grow up, as they have mine (the cousins are close mates), they know my quirks inside and out, and there are underlying sentiments that don’t need to be stated. Best of all,

thinking differently!

despite the divorce, we still regard each other as family—even if, in the company of others, we joke about me being the “ex-in-law”.

My friend Louise puts an even greater value on the in-law connection, although her husband died 15 years ago. “My mother-in-law Patricia and I developed a close bond during the years David and I were married,” she says. “We both loved books, and spent ages swapping and discussing them—she could recite all my favourite poems from memory. It was lovely to have this in common, as my own mum isn’t interested in literature.

awful times when they ‘lost it’,” she says. “They don’t treat you as a child because they never knew you as one. They see you as a fully formed, functional adult —coming in on a high as their son or daughter’s partner of choice.”

She adds that the bad press in-laws suffer dates back to times when families lived in shared households and got on top of each other, frequently resulting in personal frictions and clashes of loyalty.

In-laws don’t treat you as a child because they never knew you as one. They see you as a fully formed, functional adult

“More importantly, my mother constantly finds fault with me. Patricia couldn’t have been more different. She was kind and considerate, and I could talk to her about anything. Whereas my mother would butt in to tell me what to do before I’d even finished talking, Patricia knew how to listen. When she died two years ago, I was devastated.”

This comes as no surprise to relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam, who claims your parents-in-law, in particular, can have the edge on your blood relatives: because you didn’t grow up with them, there isn’t the same emotional baggage. “They don’t remember you as an adolescent, and you don’t remember those

“Nowadays we lead more independent lives, so there’s a distance between us and no need to establish a family hierarchy.”

But the stereotypes live on. Chief among them is the shrewish, possessive mother-in-law who thinks no woman is good enough for her son. The Monster-in-Law, in fact, as played by Jane Fonda in the 2005 film of the same name. But that’s a Hollywood creation—I’ve never encountered anyone similar in real life.

I’m not suggesting that every motherin-law is delightful; some, no doubt, are extremely aggravating. But their nature isn’t contingent on their mother-in-law status—there are delightful people and there are vexing people, so to paint any in-law as part of a vexing species is like saying all politicians are crooks. (Not a good example, but you get the point.)

Christine Northam is a counsellor

for Relate. She definitely sees the upside of in-laws. “They’re different people with a different background, so they allow you to forge new supportive relationships,” she says.

Do you welcome your in-laws with open arms? Join the debate at facebook.com/ readersdigestuk or email readersletters @readersdigest. co.uk

She adds a qualification, though: “It’s best to be careful in the early days. Learn from any mistakes you made with your own family, and don’t repeat them. And when delicate situations arise, be openminded—don’t react emotionally.”

The in-laws have to play their part, too. “It’s important they welcome you as a new member of the family,” says Susan Quilliam, “rather than feel they’re losing their son or daughter to someone who doesn’t belong with them.”

They say the good thing about friends is that, unlike your family, you can choose them. But in-laws are the family

you choose. You elect to join their ranks when you form a union with your spouse or partner. And because you have a say over how tight or loose you want that association to be, they’re a bit more like friends. Friends with knobs on, because they inevitably have a regard for your welfare (linked to their own welfare) that goes far beyond that of most friends.

My long-term partner Nick and I separated recently. His widowed father Nick Snr and I had enjoyed a warm bond, so he was distressed by the split. He told his son he was “bonkers” to part from me; Nick’s sister echoed the sentiment.

When your relationship breaks down, you expect your friends and your own family to be “on your side”. But the in-laws? That’s far more gratifying. ■

WHEN EXACTLY DID THE BUTLER DO IT?

The relationship between the butler and the Earl of Grantham in Downton Abbey perfectly illustrates the trustworthiness British aristocrats required of their sta . So when the man in the suit and tie commits a crime against his master, the shock is huge. Such was the case in

1840, when Lord William Russell, father of future PM John Russell, was knifed to death by his Swiss butler François Courvoisier. This was sensational, and the trial was packed to the roof. The defence lawyer also caused a scandal (and ruined his career) by not disclosing his client’s confession.

his

The novelists Dickens and Thackeray were among the crowd of 30,000 in London to see the butler executed, and both were horrified. It helped boost the campaign for reform of capital punishment, although public hangings didn’t end until 1868.

Stephen Wade

Madhur Jaffrey ‘‘I remember...’’

...FOOD FROM THE FAMILY GARDEN. I grew up in an old colonial house in Delhi called Number Seven—a large house with a very big family. Grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts and cousins: we were about 30 altogether, all living under the same roof. My earliest memories involve food. Climbing into the mango trees to eat fruit; picking vegetables with my father Dadaji and eating them straight from the ground; the churning of butter early in the morning; the smell of the cows in our cowshed. I grew up with a sense that food was all around me.

...WASHING WITH COWS’ MILK. That was an idea from my mother Bauwa. Every morning,

a special bowl would come from the cowshed for my sisters and me. You dipped your hands until they were completely wet. Then you rubbed it into your face until it disappeared. It felt wonderful—creamy and lovely. Who knows if it had long-term benefits? My mother certainly had beautiful skin, and my sisters and I have good skin, too. I like to think it was the cow’s milk that did it!

...THE DIFFICULTIES OF LIVING IN A LARGE FAMILY. My eldest uncle Shibbudada was a demanding man. He was cowshed. I grew up with a sense that SIGHT PREY.

...NEARLY LOSING MY SIGHT TO A BIRD OF PREY. There was a pole in our garden where a kite used to sit. One day, when I was about eight, I ran across the courtyard with a piece of toast in my hand. The kite swooped down and, as it did so, it scratched under my eye most terribly. I was furious! And very fortunate—I could easily have lost my eye.

Madhur aged four with big sisters Lalit (left) and Kamal (right); (far left) the big family including Shibbudada in 1926, four years before Madhur’s birth; (inset) Number Seven

disappointed for some reason with the woman his family had chosen, in the traditional way, to be his wife. His sisters felt he’d been dealt a low blow, and from now on they’d care for him and not say a harsh word. That allowed him to get away with so much. Those he liked felt wonderful—those he didn’t felt miserable.

The outside world thought he was the most wonderful man, “the One”, because he was literate and knowledgeable. He was also a patron of Indian classical music, so the best dancers and musicians in India would perform at our house. Yet, at the same time, he dealt with us all with a kind of emotional blackmail. He was so nasty to his own family that it was hard to watch; he’d ignore them, or drive off in his car when they were ready to leave with him.

...DECIDING NOT TO BE BULLIED IN THAT WAY BY ANYONE,

EVER AGAIN. Whatever insecurities I have probably come from that time—because “the One” did not favour me. That was a hard thing for any child; his acceptance was never there.

...THE TERROR OF THE 1947

PARTITION OF INDIA. I was about 14 [and Hindu], and to me it felt like the end of the world. The killings around us were so horrific; trains would come in from Pakistan full of dead people. There was thoughtless, random violence, and it felt so personal, too. At school, Muslim friends disappeared to Pakistan overnight; I never saw them again.

Fear gripped our neighbourhood as Muslim and Hindu gangs formed

across the city. One party would do something bad, and then the other party had to go and avenge whatever had happened—and so it would go. Everybody was wary, and kept their hunting guns ready.

One day, we heard the sounds of a mob coming near our house. We could hear the shouting and yelling, the voices getting closer and closer. The men took out their guns and went out. We said, “My God, they’re all going to get killed!” For some reason, the mob ended up going off in another direction, so everything turned out OK. But it was a very tense moment.

...MEETING MAHATMA GANDHI.

In January 1948, my mother took me to see him at one of his prayer meetings in Delhi. We navigated our way through

In

of

The Comedy

Errors at St Stephen’s College, Delhi, in the early 1950s

The men took out their guns and went out. We said, “My God, they’re all going to get killed!”

this huge crowd and sat down near him. I remember the peace in his voice and the inclusivity of his message—that we are all one people, in it together. That was just my thinking on life, too. Three days later, we heard on the radio that he’d been shot dead. We couldn’t believe it.

...THERE WAS NEVER A TIME WHEN I WASN’T ACTING. I never had a “light bulb” moment—it was something that I always did. We used to put on plays for the family, or perform children’s roles for All India Radio, which was within walking distance of our house. So, when I left school, I applied for a scholarship with the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art (Rada) in London...and got one!

potatoes and cabbage that had been boiled, seemingly, for days. I ate it and dreamed of Indian food.

...TEACHING MYSELF TO COOK.

Graduating from

Back then I didn’t know how—at all! So I wrote to my mother and she sent me little three-line recipes in airmail letters—how to make potatoes with cumin and giant fennel, for example. But I also remembered everything I’d eaten, so if a recipe wasn’t working I always knew what to add. Now that I analyse it, I realise I had a good palate. That’s not something you acquire— it’s something you’re born with, and I obviously had been. I just didn’t know it.

...STRUGGLING TO FIND WORK.

...EVERYTHING IN ENGLAND FELT FAMILIAR. Arriving in London wasn’t a culture shock because I’d grown up with British things: books, movies, Shakespeare, BBC News, comics like Girls’ Crystal. The one thing that felt unfamiliar was the smog. In the movies, it looked rather mysterious. But when you were actually in it, it wasn’t so good. I remember how it used to be pea-green by 3pm—horrible!

...THE AWFUL FOOD. In the Rada cafeteria, it was all grey roast beef, watery

After leaving Rada, I moved to New York [with first husband, actor Saeed Jaffrey]. If I’d stayed in England, it would’ve been better for my career. I had this strange Indiany-British accent. If they wanted an Indian for a role, I didn’t look or sound like their idea of one, so it was tough. That’s how I started writing for magazines. I wrote about whatever I knew—the arts, painting, dancing and, of course, cooking.

...MY FIRST BIG BREAK. In 1964

Shakespeare Wallah came out, a film

►

Rada

I’d helped to write with the director, my friend James Ivory. As publicity, the food writer for the New York Times did a piece called, “The Actress Who Likes to Cook”. That drew a lot of interest, and I started to write cookery books in the US.

...WHEN THE BBC CAME CALLING.

In the early 1980s, they asked me to do a series called Madhur Jaffrey’s Indian Cookery. The timing was perfect—it was 1982 and people were looking beyond the curry houses. The series became a huge phenomenon. Indian people would stop me in the street and say how lovely it was to see someone like me representing them on TV. I’d get letters saying, “We watched your show on Monday and cooked what you were making on Tuesday.” People were making Indian food! And that was a new thing for the British.

...BEING UNSETTLED BY ROBERT DE NIRO AND

MERYL STREEP. I’ve worked with them both [in the films Flawless, 1999, and Prime, 2005, respectively] and what they share is deep concentration. They’re not really there—they are the characters. For example, De Niro was playing somebody who’d had a stroke and, throughout filming, he wasn’t himself. He was this guy who wouldn’t talk, couldn’t walk. I admire him and had been hoping we’d get a chance to talk. Well, forget about it! There was no, “Hi, Bob!” I was just acting with this character he was playing.

Exactly the same was true of Streep. When we met at the script-reading, we were like one human being to another. The minute she was on set, she was another person, like a wax model of herself. It was very unnerving, but amazing to watch the process.

(Above) with Greta Scacchi in Cotton Mary; (inset) Madhur’s classic first book; (right) in her new series

...SOMETIMES GETTING TOO

...SOMETIMES

GETTING TOO INVOLVED WITH ROLES MYSELF.

I once did a film called Cotton Mary [1999], playing a woman who wasn’t very stable. We were shooting for three months in India, and I found myself somewhat becoming that character while I was there; I looked at the world as if it was possessed, as if it was wanting things from me. It appeared jagged and crooked—unstable. I think I probably was getting in too deep. But it can be hard to just leave it in the evening and come back to it in the morning.

...COMING

TO SEE NEW

YORK

AS HOME. I’m married to an American [violinist Sanford Allen], so it’s taken for granted that I would be here. But I love the city. I love the pace of life. It has an

If you find work that you love, what is this word “retire”?

extra charge and excitement, which goes with my nature. But I do need the country to calm down. These days we also have a house in upstate New York, and I grow all kinds of Indian food there: squashes, marrows, green coriander, mint. It’s my little upstate India, and I love the idea that I can escape to it when I want to.

...BEING AMAZED AT WHAT THE BRITISH HAVE DONE WITH INDIAN COOKING. Making my new series Curry Nation gave me a chance to go around

Britain again to see what’s happened to Indian food in the UK. One thing I noticed was how the British categorise dishes according to how hot they are; Indians wouldn’t know a bhuna from a madras—they’re names given by the British.

...ALWAYS TRYING TO TREAT PEOPLE DECENTLY.

I don’t really have a mantra in life—I just believe in being a good, decent human being and treating others well. To be kind to people; it’s all one can do.

...NEVER WANTING TO GIVE UP WORK. Earlier this year, I gave a talk to some students in Oxford who were graduating (I was recently given a doctorate by Oxford Brookes University). And I said to them, “If you find work that you love, what is this word ‘retire’? If you like it so much, stay there for as long as you want.” What I love about acting and writing is the adventure and discovery of new things. It’s never-ending. So I never have thoughts of retiring. I’ll retire when I can’t work. ■ As told to Olly Grant

» Madhur Jaffrey’s Curry Nation is now on the Good Food Channel

READER SPOT/ NO RESPECT FOR THE DEAD

Notice seen in a country churchyard: “Anyone having relatives buried in this churchyard is asked to be so good as to keep them in order.”

Submitted by Justin Lloyd, Clwyd

Whistle While You Work

as snow White reaches her 75th birthday, we celebrate Walt disney’s amazing legacy

by danny scott

when a famous animator said in 1934 that he was going to make his first animated feature film, the movie world patronisingly dubbed it “Disney’s Folly”. Even his wife Lillian was worried, and reportedly told Walt, “No one’s ever gonna pay a dime to see a dwarf picture.”

But, released 75 years ago this month, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs became the highest-grossing film of the year, won an Oscar, and has now taken around £250m at the box office. Disney became a global brand and moved into live-action movies, merchandising and theme parks. Not everyone agreed with this Disneyfied world, but there’s no doubt that it’s had an impact on everything from Christmas lists to songwriters—and even Wallace and Gromit…

moving pictures

Modern animation owes a huge debt to the pioneering work of Disney Studios, reckons Aardman Animation’s Merlin Crossingham, creative director for Wallace and Gromit. “Before the war, Disney was bashing out one or two films a year, and developed equipment like the multiplane camera [which moves artwork past the lens at different distances, creating depth] that took animation into the big time.

“Its top animators Walt Stanchfield and Ollie Johnston led an expansion in industry talent, too. They insisted on life drawing and personal art projects for new recruits, and were perfectionists who’d make an artist repeat a shot as many times as necessary. This was ►

illustrated by sam falconer

all with the blessing of Disney, who wanted nothing more than the best.

“Disney also created some of animation’s greatest characters—as in Snow White—with great timing and a complex emotional range. It thought of characters as ‘real’ actors, and that’s exactly what we do with Wallace and Gromit.”

The multiplane camera in action*, with forestry in the background…

“You’ve only got to look at something like the opening scene of Lady and the Tramp [1955], and you’ll see that Disney developed the archetypal animated Christmas look,” adds Sarah Smith, co-director and cowriter of last year’s animated hit Arthur Christmas. “The fresh snow, the carol singers, the warm glow, the Christmas tree through the window…they’re like works of art. It

tHe inventor oF Fun

“ ‘Fun’ is a relatively recent concept,” says David Thomas, who’s working on a PhD on

Mickey and Minnie, the king and queen of Disneyland, Florida

…and Snow White and co in the foreground

took computergenerated animation years to even get close!

“Walt Disney understood that children experience Christmas as a magical, emotional time. All his best films explore it from that point of view. This appeals to adults, too, as we remember that feeling from our own childhood.”

» Arthur Christmas is out now on DVD. magical, his

the subject at the University of Colorado. “The word is only about 200 years old, and the idea of a ‘fun place’ more or less coincides with the emergence of Walt Disney. Inspired by other amusement parks, he conceived Disneyland. But he decided to go further and create a living film that allowed people inside—like Cinderella’s castle.

“You now see such ‘theming’ everywhere: themed restaurants, shops that look like Italian street markets and hotels like Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Disneyland was so staggeringly successful that when we think of a ‘fun place’, we see it through the lens of Disney.”

*For a demonstration of this, search for “Walt Disney introduces the multiplane camera” on YouTube

tHe otHer toY storY

On a slightly less noble note, you can blame Walt Disney for all those film tie-in presents your younger relatives demand every Christmas.

“He recognised very early on that his cartoons inspired children’s imaginations in a way that could be complemented by toys,” says Margaret Moore, a Disney enthusiast and founder of the vintagetoys website helpemptymyattic.co.uk.

industry figures put Disneylicensed merchandise revenue at £17.7bn

“The early Mickey Mouse cartoons were so popular that the first licensed stuffed toys were being produced as early as 1930. A seamstress called Charlotte Clark was tasked with making about 500 Mickey dolls, costing $5, every week. An original will now sell for more than $4,000!”

By the mid-30s, Disney toys were being made all over the world—40 licences had been granted to manufacturers in the UK alone—and the success of Snow White gave Disney the opportunity to introduce everything from porcelain figurines to toothbrush holders. It’s no surprise that industry figures for 2010 put Disneylicensed merchandise revenue at £17.7bn, with Toy Story 3 alone pulling in £1.5bn!

DISNEY LOVER STEPHEN TOMPKINSON, WILD AT HEART

“i’m a big Disney fan! For me, it was the first studio that seemed to know its audience. the films were made by people who were young at heart. i think kids will always love the films because they’re made with them in mind. As a kid, i watched as many Disneys as possible, and saved up my pocket money whenever they released a new one. the beauty of their artwork is breathtaking. then there was the christmas Disney time tv special. every kid would be glued to the telly! i’ll never forget that cartoon where Donald Duck is putting up his christmas tree, only to discover chip ’n’ Dale are already living in it. A cracking christmas caper ensues! As soon as my daughter Daisy began to enjoy going to the cinema, Disney films were always top of the list—especially if there was a rerelease of a film i saw as a boy!

“THE FILMS WERE MADE BY PEOPLE WHO WERE YOUNG AT HEART”

i think one of my earliest Disneys was The Jungle Book. it was a favourite with Daisy—she adored Baloo the Bear, and still refers to me as ‘papa Bear’.”

» Stephen stars in the final episode of Wild at Heart on ITV1 this Christmas.

WiLDLiFe protector

“Some child psychologists —including Freud—believe that children see themselves in a continuity with animal forms,” says David Whitley, author of The Idea of Nature in Disney Animation “The creatures in children’s literature are often used by youngsters to develop an idea of their place in the natural world.”

Disney’s artists were tutored in drawing animals for a year during the pre-production of Bambi; (below) one the original sketches

Walt Disney grew up on a farm in Missouri and, says Whitley, “his emphasis on nature in his early films was an attempt to reconnect with his idealised, childhood memories —which I think children recognise when they watch them”.

Some writers, adds Whitley, have even suggested that emotive, iconic films such as Bambi are responsible for people becoming active in wildlife conservation.

DISNEY LOVER

JEMMA KIDD, MODEL AND BUSINESSWOMAN

“As a kid, i dreamed of a prince coming to sweep me off my feet, as in Cinderella. i guess we all want that ‘happy ever after’ ending, don’t we? even now, when i watch the film with my daughter—she’s obsessed by tinker Bell, by the way!—i get that same feeling. You don’t lose any of that magic you felt as a kid.

“YOU DON’T LOSE ANY OF THAT MAGIC YOU FELT AS A KID”

“Disney films appeal at any time of the year, but they work so well at christmas. if i get my way, we’ll be watching Mary Poppins. And no doubt i’ll be humming the songs well into the new Year!”

» Jemma is an ambassador for the Walt Disney World Family charity campaign (disney.co.uk/waltdisneyworldfamily).

DISNEY LOVER

HELEN GEORGE, CALL THE MIDWIFE

“one of my earliest memories is Disney-related. We used to have an old vW camper and, when i was five, Dad sold the van and brought this big pile of money into the kitchen. He counted it out and said, ‘right, we’ve got enough to go to Disneyworld.’ i just started screaming and running around the house. i actually ran into the kitchen table and bashed my head, but i didn’t care.

Jungle fever: Baloo and King Louie perform

“I Wan’na Be Like You”

“When i got to Florida, i felt like i was actually living in the American dream—the smell of the popcorn, pancakes at breakfast. i can remember meeting all the characters— i was meeting mickey mouse!— and being fairly sure that i was never going to be as happy as i was at that moment.

“i’ve still got ‘When You Wish upon a star’ on my ipod—whenever it comes on, i’m back there in Florida. Whoever did the marketing for Disney got it spot on!”

» The Call the Midwife Christmas special is on BBC1 this month.

give A LittLe WHistLe

“My mum and dad took me to see all the Disney films and, even as a kid, I could tell that the songs were very special,” says legendary lyricist Tim Rice, who worked on Disney’s Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King. “They certainly gave me my great love of musicals.”

“Disney didn’t just raise the bar for cartoon soundtracks, but for film as a whole. Songs like “When You Wish Upon a Star” [Pinocchio] and “I Wan’na Be Like You” [The Jungle Book] became musical standards. People still sing them today.

“Disney didn’t just raise the bar for cartoon soundtracks, but for film as a whole”

“Great Disney songs add so much to the character, the plot and the whole emotion of the film. They showed us all how it was supposed to be done.” ■

» Tim Rice’s new musical From Here to Eternity opens in the West End next year.

hOW tO…

BY LinDA gRAY

1,001 THINGS

EVERYOnE shOULD KnOW

Welcome to the pages that help make life simpler, easier and—we hope—more fun!

How to ForgiVe

THE SEASON OF GOODWILL is also the time when buried resentments can

Bearing a grudge can lower immunity, raise blood pressure and, new research resurface, as we contemplate a week spent with our near and not-so dear. But if crossing out names on the Christmas list because they’re not worth a stamp or maintaining a family feud makes us feel bitter, who really gets hurt?

shows, may even harm your heart. What’s more, it turns you into a victim all over again.

“If you don’t forgive, you’re tied to the person who’s hurt you because you’re defined

by your hatred. That’s your story, and it’s fixed,” says Marina Cantacuzino, founder of The Forgiveness Project (theforgivenessproject.com), which encourages people to seek alternatives to revenge. “By forgiving, you’re released and aren’t held captive by the past.”

You don’t have to be a saint to do it. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing what’s been done,” says Cantacuzino. “It’s the peace that comes from blaming people less and not taking offences so personally.”

To do that, try these steps from the Stanford University project, California, used to reconcile factions in Northern Ireland, and help families after 9/11.

1. Work out how you feel about what happened and tell trusted friends about it.

2. Make a commitment to do what it takes to feel better. You don’t need to reconcile with people who’ve hurt you—you just need to find peace.

3. Realise that what’s making you miserable is the way you feel now, not what happened weeks or years ago. When you feel upset, try a simple meditation or other stress technique to calm yourself.

4. Instead of brooding over the experience or expecting an apology, recognise the love and kindness in your life now.

5. Change your story to include your heroic decision to forgive.

How to polisH your credit rating

YOU PAY YOUR BILLS ON TIME, so how come you can’t get a loan when you want one? It’s enough to make you switch banks straightaway—but don’t. It can add a black mark to your credit record, along with the following: Your only phone is a mobile. Lenders are spooked by the thought that borrowers might do a flit, so they look for signs of stability such as a landline. “Changing your address, job or bank is linked to a higher risk of defaulting, so avoid doing it often or at the same time,” says James Jones, head of consumer affairs at Experian. You shop around for a loan. To you it’s an enquiry; to the lender it’s an application. And if several appear at once, alarm bells will ring. To prevent incriminating footprints on your credit record, ask for a quotation search and only apply for credit you’re likely to get. You’re not eligible to vote. Make sure you’re on the electoral roll, which lenders use to check your name and address.

Your credit card is on your partner’s account. If it’s your only one, it doesn’t count towards your credit record. As lenders don’t like credit virgins, you’ll need to take out an overdraft, a credit or store card or mobile-phone contract in your own name, or add your name to a mortgage. “Repayment data is shared monthly, so you can quickly build a positive record,” says Jones. You have credit you don’t use. Lenders may also tot up the amount you can borrow, so close any unused store or credit cards or overdrafts.

MOST OF THE SIX MILLION bought each year are landfill by Twelfth Night, but with care you can keep those red (or pink or cream) flags flying until spring, and make them bloom next winter.

1,001 things and draughts, so don’t pick

supermarket door. Find a

These beauties hate cold and draughts, so don’t pick from the display by the supermarket door. Find a plant in a sheltered spot with buds and plenty of leaves, and wrap it up before taking it out. At home, put it somewhere light and warm (15C–22C) but away from windows and radiators.

How to Keep a poinsettia Blooming

Water only when the compost

feels dry, mist it occasionally, and feed with tomato food each month.

Poinsettias need equal amounts of light and dark to stay bright—as the days grow longer, the colour will fade. For it to survive the summer, cut back to four inches in April, says the Royal Horticultural Society. Repot (three parts John Innes No 3 compost, one part grit), and keep between 15C–18C. From November, cover it with a bin bag when it’s had 12 hours of light, and it’ll soon burst into life.

says the Royal Horticultural Society.

Innes 3

15C–18C.

How to Beat giFt-card traps

GIFT CARDS ARE THE OBVIOUS CHOICE for the awkward customers on any Christmas list—one reason sales reached an amazing £4.5bn* last year. But choose carefully because £250m is wasted on unused vouchers each year.

Look for one that’s easy to redeem

A simple John Lewis voucher is more likely to be used than an “experience” restricted to a few dates and places. Don’t want a card tied to a specific store? “Open loop” cards can be used at a range of outlets—The Post Office’s One4all card is accepted by 75 household names, and the National Garden Gift Voucher is valid in 2,000 garden centres. Check for any expiry date and make sure the recipient is aware of it. Amazon and Selfridges gift cards last just 12 months,

though the norm is two years if the card is unused. If no date is given, the card should last for as long as the issuer survives.

This bring us to the final hitch: if a

This bring us to the final hitch: if a retailer goes bust, your gift card will as well. Even before a firm closes, the receiver can exclude sale items or insist that you spend as much in cash as you redeem by voucher. Surfing the business pages can highlight firms to avoid. And if the gift card is for more than £100, pay by credit card—that way, your bank should pay up even if the retailer won’t.

How to tip

“HOW NICE—A CARD FROM THE POSTMAN,” you say, before the penny (or the banknote he’s really after) drops. But should you leave a fiver or £10? Or will a couple of coins do?

At Christmas. A fiver should keep the post/ milk/dustmen sweet, but if you have a cleaner or childminder, give them an extra week’s wages and maybe a personal gift, says Debrett’s etiquette guide.

Out and about. Service not included? Tip at least 10% for bar staff, waiters, taxi drivers and hairdressers. In hotels, give porters £1 for each bag they bring up; leave £10 or so for the chambermaid. Abroad. We’re the most clueless tippers in Europe, says TripAdvisor, so check out its tipping and etiquette section.

As a rule, tip 10%–15% in Europe and 15%–25% (excluding sales tax) in the US, where 10% is seen as an insult— workers rely on tips to supplement poor pay.

At sea. Check with the cruise line how much you’re expected to give—it can be up to 10% of the cost of the trip.

Don’t tip. Carers (who can only accept your thanks), supermarket delivery drivers (taking ££ can be a sackable offence) or in Japan (it causes loss of face). But if you don’t tip because the service was lousy, say so, or risk being thought a Scrooge.

As a rule, tip 15–25% in the US, where 10% is seen as an insult ►

MICHAEL

How to FireprooF your Home

DECEMBER IS the peak month for house fires, and we’re not talking Yule logs or candles. In fact, Christmas dinner is more likely to start a blaze—more than half of fires start in the kitchen. Getting distracted while cooking tops the list, followed by trailing sleeves, packaging and tea towels left too close to the hob, and dirty ovens. “A build-up of grease is a fire waiting to happen,” says Royal Berkshire Fire and Rescue Service. Even a dishwasher can catch fire, so don’t switch it on before heading out or going to bed.

Beware garlands on the mantelpiece, candles on windowsills (think curtains), and blocked chimneys. If there’s a stove or an open fire, including gas-log types, get the chimney swept annually.

Be ready for the annual bonanza of Kindles, iPads and mobiles, which need charging—but not all at once or they may overheat the socket. Use a bar adaptor (safer than a block) and check the total load is less than 13 amps (see the guide to appliances on wiltsfire.gov.uk).

Almost two-thirds of fire fatalities last year were in homes without a smoke alarm, so test yours. And if you have guests, show them where you keep the door and window keys, just in case.

wHat your wine mercHant won’t tell you

● You don’t have to pay big money for good wine. £6.99 buys a decent bottle, according to 200 experts at the Decanter World Wine Awards. If you pay less, you could end up with just 40p worth of juice after production costs and tax are taken out.

● A fine wine is what I say it is. There’s no official definition, though it’s usually a single-estate wine made in small quantities going for £15–£20 a bottle. It should have a good balance of acid, tannin and fruit—and the only way to find out is to taste it.

● A garage can make a good cellar. Wines hate heat (the ideal is 10C–14C) and fluctuating temperatures, so don’t put the wine rack in the kitchen. A garage attached to the house should be fine because it’s cool and dark. But don’t use it for your car because vibrations damage wine.

● Wine can go off faster than you think. 90% is made to be drunk within a year. Many whites last

only a few months after bottling, and if you think you can keep reds forever, you’re wrong.

● Pour red wine from a height. If you forget to open the bottle ahead of time, hold it in the air and pour the wine vigorously into a jug—the air will calm the tannins.

● Leave laying down wine to the experts. Unless you have a temperaturecontrolled wine cellar, you’re better off storing that expensive case of wine in a bonded warehouse. Or simply buy from me.

● Don’t be sniffy about screw tops. They’re fine for 99% of wines, though we’re waiting to see if they’re as good as cork for wines that are laid down for years. Although it can’t be corked, you still need to taste wine in screwtop bottles before it’s poured because it can be oxidised if the cap is damaged.

are excellent wines at both ends of the scale, from Amarone reds at 14%–15% to Dr Loosen

Kabinett Riesling at 7.5%.

● Want a fail-safe wine? Look for press reviews,

and International Wine Challenge or Decanter World Wine Awards, where wines are tested by a panel of experts.

● If it’s 16% ABV, it’s fortified wine. According to HM Revenue and Customs, wine should be between 5.5%–15% ABV. The best are usually 12.5%–13.5%, but there

● Good wineries rarely make bad wine. In a good year they’re great, and in a bad year the wine will be better than that from a poor estate. For French wines, look for “cru” on the label—a sign of quality.

the big stores to stock.

● It’s always a vintage year in the New World. Consistent sunshine means their wines don’t vary much, but in Europe one vintage year can be very different to another—2010 Bordeaux has strong tannins while 2009s are fruity. After a bargain? The 2001 vintage is reasonably priced, or go for a good estate in an unmemorable year. Connoisseurs think small. They search out wine merchants who are passionate about their product, or they go online, where they find interesting wines produced in quantities too small for the big stores to stock. That vintage bottle you bought for Christmas is permitted by EU rules to contain up to 15% of another wine.

● Warning: may contain eggs. Ingredients likely to cause allergy, such as the egg whites and milk used as fining agents, will soon have to be declared. But there are still 40 or so approved additives you may never know about. ■

MEDICINE WITH MAX PEMBERTON

home truths

How showing kindness to strangers can be a two-way street

A few years ago, I spent a winter working in an outreach project for homeless people. While most of us think of a white Christmas with excitement, I soon realised that snow is great, but only when combined with roaring fires, black-and-white films on TV and buttered toast, all of which are in short supply when you’re homeless.

Just before that Christmas, there were severe weather warnings, and a real air of panic gripped the team I worked with. There was a military-style attempt to try to get all our homeless patients adequate shelter. In weather like that, people actually freeze to death on the streets.

While this was going on, across London, a young man had just met Mrs Clarence. His name was Stewart and he was lost. He was my patient, and while he was asking for directions from Mrs Clarence, I was desperately trying to find a way to get in touch with him. I hadn’t been able to make contact for two days, and I was worried he might have died in the cold.

Mrs Clarence had faith in humanity, and she took a chance

Stewart was 22, polite and well presented with angelic features and blond hair. He’d been referred to me because he

max pemberton is a hospital doctor, and the mind Journalist of the year 2010

had mental-health problems and was homeless. He had no family. He’d watched his dad kill his mum when he was eight, and he’d spent most of his life in institutions. He’d recently been released from prison for a serious crime and had been sleeping outside for the past three months, but it was getting too cold for him. He was desperate and trying to find my office to ask for help. He stopped and asked Mrs Clarence for directions—and it was then that something amazing happened. After listening to his story, Mrs Clarence, in a breathtaking act of compassion, invited him to stay at her house for the night. She fed him and gave him a warm bed, and in the morning she gave him her husband’s CHRISTOPHER

BY DAVID HUMPHRIES/MONSTER

coat, gloves and scarf, and paid his fare to my office.

Stewart told me the story, beaming.

I think it was the first time anyone had ever shown him kindness. There’s a beautiful passage in the Book of Hebrews that begins: “Let us show hospitality to strangers, for in doing so, some have entertained angels unawares.”

Stewart was no angel, but Mrs Clarence had faith in humanity, and she took a chance.

If she hadn’t, he might be dead. She made me think that perhaps there are angels out there after all.

If you crave a good night’s sleep, listen to max’s podcast at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine for tips on how to get some decent shut-eye.

know your medication anti-epileptics

what do they do?

This group of drugs, sometimes also called anti-convulsants, is used to control seizures in people with epilepsy. For about three in ten people, their seizures are severe and need more than one medication. There are different types of epilepsy and how effective the treatment is depends on the type. But, for most people, taking antiepileptics means they have no or few seizures, and can get on with their lives normally.

found to act as mood stabilisers. This group of drugs is also sometimes used in neuropathic (or nerve) pain.

how do you take them?

As tablets or capsules; they can also be made into a liquid for people who have difficulty swallowing. It’s important to take the medication as prescribed and you shouldn’t stop taking it without speaking

to a doctor first as the seizures can quickly return.

how do they work? They stabilise the electrical activity in the brain.

who takes them?

People with epilepsy who are experiencing regular seizures. The drugs are also sometimes used in bipolar disorder—a psychiatric condition characterised by periods of mania and depression—as many anti-epileptics have been

side effects?

Patients can feel tired, but this usually passes as your body gets used to the new drug. Rarely, a skin rash can occur. If this happens, tell your doctor.

common types

Sodium valproate, carbamazepine, lamotrigine, ethosuximide, gabapentin. ■

next month: steroids

HEALTH WITH SUSANNAH HICKLING

twinkle toes

Our guide to help shoe masochists survive the festive whirl it’s time to strut your stuff at the office Christmas party. So what shoes should you wear to help prevent corns, calluses and cracked skin? The ideal heel height is one-and-ahalf inches, and a slight wedge is better than flats. experts also recommend leather footwear, which is breathable and allows sweat—sorry!—to escape. The less you perspire, the less dried out your feet will become and the less likely you are to suffer from cracked heels. Cotton socks help minimise callus and corn formation because they provide cushioning and reduce friction, but if

blitZ THAT BLiSTeR

you’re courageous enough to venture out barefoot in sandals, invest in ones with sturdy, supportive arches, a heel cup and a back strap.

venture heel

What type of TLC should you administer after punishing your feet for the sake of festive fashion?

feet for the sake of fashion?

vitamin e and shea

skin, while and heel pads can prevent calluses. And to

Creams containing natural ingredients such as coconut oil, vitamin e and shea butter can repair dry skin, while over-the-counter shoe inserts and heel pads can prevent calluses. And to cure corns? Use salicylic acid treatments to soften them before removing with a pumice stone or emery board.

● The best way to get rid of these painful reminders of a good party is to be kind to your feet. Start by washing them. Disinfect the blister and dry your skin well.

● Do not—I know it’s tempting—pop your blister. You’ll risk infection.

● Use a hydrocolloid plaster—available at chemists—which is specially formulated to promote healing and reduce scarring.

● Avoid footwear that’s too tight. So, yep, it’s time to put on a pair of sensible shoes.

But see a podiatrist (go to scpod.org to find your nearest one) if these areas become painful or inflamed, or if your skin has deep cracks that bleed and lead to infection. Also seek help if you have diabetes, poor circulation or impairment to the nerves of the feet.

kiss of life

Thought mistletoe only had one use? Think again. Trials are about to start in Scotland to find out if it can help people with cancer.

Mistletoe injections are a commonly prescribed complementary treatment in Germany and other European countries, and while they’re not a miracle cure, some people find they make chemo more bearable. They may boost the immune system. Some scientists pooh-pooh the therapy, so Professor Steven Heys of Aberdeen’s medical school is overseeing a study of breast-cancer patients to find out if mistletoe does improve well-being.

+ = help for hangovers?

A flavouring that’s been used in Chinese cooking for hundreds of years might spell an end to many drink-related problems, according to US researchers. Better still, there are no side effects.

The compound, a flavonoid called dihydromyricetin (DHM) occurs naturally in the fruit of hovenia dulcis, a tree native to Asia. Dr Jing Liang of the University of California explains that she’s been to dinner parties in China where people didn’t seem affected by alcohol and suspected something in the spice hovenia was counteracting it. DHM appeared not only to diminish the effects of booze, but also prevent dependence and withdrawal symptoms, and ease hangovers. DHM binds to special brain-cell receptors, stopping alcohol from acting on them.

But it’s early days. Animal research doesn’t always translate into human treatment, so Dr Liang now plans to go ahead with human trials.

1. These hard lumps made of crystals affect more men than women. Up to 20% of males get them, but only 3–5% of females.

2. They can be caused by a salty diet, so cut back on crisps and processed meats. Being overweight and putting away too much protein can also be factors.

own accord. Drinking lots of water will help.

4. They can come back. Half of those who get them will be afflicted again within ten years. Although this is less likely if you eat more veg, wholegrains and oxalates—present in spinach, most nuts, strawberries, and chocolate!

3. Kidney stones can be agony—causing excruciating pain in your back, side of your abdomen or groin—but they usually pass painlessly of their

5. You’re more likely to develop kidney disease if you’ve had a stone.

» Find out more about men’s health at malehealth.co.uk

DOCTOR, DOCTOR IS MY THYROID MAKING ME GAIN WEIGHT? HEALTH

it’s commonly believed among patients and health professionals that an underactive thyroid gland (hypothyroidism) causes obesity. i often see patients who are convinced this is the root of their weight problems, usually because that’s what they’ve been told by their doctor. The sequence of events is familiar. The patient visits the GP complaining of weight gain and fatigue. Routine blood tests confirm that he/she has an underactive thyroid. Both patient and GP are satisfied this is the cause of the problem. The doctor prescribes treatment in the form of thyroxinereplacement therapy and everyone’s happy. The doctor’s job is done and the patient has a valid reason for weight gain.

it’s true that thyroid hormones are intimately involved in the regulation of body metabolism and that a

iT’S A WALK oVeR

deficiency of thyroid hormone can lower the metabolic rate, increasing the tendency to gain weight. in practice, however, this seldom accounts for more than a few pounds, and not everyone with an underactive thyroid gains weight. Also, the incidence of true hypothyroidism in the obese population is quite low, which means that the vast majority of obese patients have perfectly normal thyroids.

to complicate matters further, obesity itself may cause changes in thyroid-test results, leading to an incorrect diagnosis of hypothyroidism. Studies show that when patients lose weight, thyroid tests veer towards normal again, suggesting that abnormal thyroid-test results in the obese are the result of weight gain, not the cause. This would explain why, even when the obese patient is given thyroid-replacement therapy, it seldom leads to weight loss.

thyroid-replacement

explanation for our weight problems, but

it’s natural for us to look for a physical explanation for our weight problems, but i’m afraid that thyroid deficiency is, except in exceptional circumstances, not one of them!

Dr David ashton of healthier Weight

healthier Weight

The Ramblers are organising their annual festival of free winter walks (ramblers.org.uk/info/events/festivals/winterwalks). Wherever you live and whether or not you’re a seasoned walker, you’ll have the chance to join a group of people of all ages intent on discovering Britain’s winter wonderland. The proven health benefits of striding out include controlling stress (see previous page) and your weight. it also reduces your risk of heart attack, stroke, diabetes and high blood pressure. ■

BEAUTY WITH ALICE HART-DAVIS

BEHIND THE MASK

Try these fast fixes to make your skin glow just in time for Christmas!

It’s nearly Christmas. You’re really busy. So I guess you’re not that interested in a long skincare-and-make-up routine to leave you looking your festive best—especially when you’ll be lucky to get any make-up on at all, what with the slaving in your own kitchen or driving across the country to be a good guest in someone else’s.

have a lie-down. So you as

of this seasonal tendency and

In fact, the thought of all the preparation that has to go on before Christmas is enough to make the sanest woman want to have a lie-down. So you might as well take advantage of this seasonal tendency and slap on a face pack for ten minutes while you do. It will perk up your skin and your spirits at the same time.

The new celeb favourite is Glamglow (£49.99 for 50ml, or £19.99 for a 15ml tester, which will do three treatments; glamglowmud.co.uk and asos.com), a

PRODUCT OF THE MONTH

is glutinous, then slap it all over face smoothly and thickly as you can (it’s

volcanic-minerals-and-clay concoction made to create glowing skin, with oldHollywood packaging. It’s dark grey, gritty and tingly as it goes on, but it works brilliantly, tightening as it dries and leaving skin smoother and brighter. Another nicely formulated, if even messier, skin saver Skinesis Instant Miracle Mask (£38 for four sachets; sarahchapman. net) from top facialist Sarah Chapman. You pop the powder in special shaker-cup, add water and shake until it’s glutinous, then slap it all over your face with the spatula as smoothly and thickly as you can (it’s great for the backs of the hands and the décolleté, too). It sets as it dries, and you can then peel the whole rubbery thing o to reveal a refreshed complexion.

One to ask for as a gift (perhaps to lie down with when it’s all over) is Crème de la Mer’s new o ering, The Hydrating Facial

Nourish Golden Glow Toning Sou é (£24.95; shop.nourishskinrange.com)

This is my new party-season essential. It’s a light body cream with moisturising and skin-firming benefits, but what I love are the light-reflecting particles and golden resins of frankincense and myrrh that give a subtle glow to pasty winter skin.

(£190 for six masks; cremede lamer.co.uk). Each mask is sopping with the brand’s magical “Hydrating Ferments” (don’t ask—it’s just too complicated), which your grateful skin will soak up while you lie very still. And, boy, does it feel luxurious!

Can’t find time for a lie-down?

Resort to a mask that’s more like a supercharged night cream.

Aromatherapy Associates

Overnight Repair

Mask (£48.50, aromatherapy associates.com)

smells lovely (all those essential oils) and is renowned for its smoothing, plumping and firming abilities —use this twice a week and you’ll be glowing by Christmas.

Alice Hart-Davis is an award- winning beauty journalist who writes regularly for the national press, and is creator of Good Things skincare.

FAST FIX 1 PULL THE OTHER ONE

Well, you wouldn’t pull at this so much as unwrap it reverentially and clasp its contents gently in your grateful hands. The Jo Malone Christmas Cracker (£28, jomalone.com) contains dinky bottles of Pomegranate Noir Body and Hand Wash, Lime Basil and Mandarin Cologne and Orange Blossom Body Crème. Divine!

FAST FIX 2 BLING WITH A PURPOSE

Alex Harwood, 46, from London, loves Steamcream—an unusual product whose high-quality natural ingredients are fused together by a shot of steam, hence the name. “It’s wonderfully hydrating and leaves the skin silky smooth,”

says Alex. “I’m a busy

Blingbacks will jazz up a pair of plain shoes, but what tickles me about them is that they’re also practical. Where they clip onto the back of shoe, they’re covered with a small lip of squidgy rubber to stop shoes chafing. The idea came to their inventor Mario Granito when he saw a celeb with a plaster stuck in the back of her beautiful shoe, presumably to cover a blister. There’s a range of designs to choose from (Blingbacks Shoe Jewellery, £15 a pair at Dorothy Perkins, Debenhams and asos.com).

film composer, and Steamcream is really practical to take with me when I travel. It’s just as good on the body as on the face. The tins come in a huge choice of designs, so it’s a perfect gift, too.” (£12.95, steam cream.com) ■

CONSUMER WITH DONAL MACINTYRE

EXCESS ALL AREAS

Is it worth insuring your phone? It depends on the hidden charges

I’ve often said, “Read the small print,” but in those complex contracts—which even the most banal of consumer decisions entails

lawyer-speak, rendering nearly all my advice redundant in an avalanche of incomprehensible gobbledegook.

This became horribly

these days—the small print means dozens of pages of highly dense phone to you.

apparent to me when I lost my mobile phone recently. I was at Heathrow and, as they say in Ireland, “There was me phone gone.” When I’d finished congratulating myself on the wise decision to take out insurance with my call provider, I made my

claim for a new one, only to discover that there was a £60 excess on the policy. That, together with my £15-a-month insurance premium over two years of the contract, means I’ve paid £420 for a new iPhone—which is very close to the retail price. And if you take into account bulk purchase and retail discount, you might surmise that insurers make a good profit on the sale of a phone to you.

which I thought I’d service I thought I’d paid

In the fine detail, which I thought I’d read properly, I didn’t see the excess charge, which has seemingly transformed the insurance service I thought I’d paid for into a savings scheme. To insure or not to insure your phone—that isn’t the question any more. The real question is, “What’s the excess?” Only with that in mind can you make an informed decision.

Remember: I’m here to make mistakes so you don’t have to. What a guy!

the excess?” Only with have to. What a guy!

IF YOU DON’T ASK...

Donal answers your questions.

Please email queries to excerpts

@readers digest. co.uk

QWe arrived at a five-star hotel with our ten-monthold baby. We’d told them we’d be arriving late, but when we got there and asked for dinner, they said the restaurant was full, mostly of nonguests, and we could only have basic room service or bar snacks. We had to go out in the rain to find a restaurant. It was awful! Can we get compensation?

knew you were

worth, and let them take the fight to you for underpaying. That would be a civil matter, but not one a big hotel would want to fight in court, I suspect. In a similar situation I’ve moaned to the manager, who wasn’t present on the night—he was very apologetic, and promised me a comfortable stay with some extra treats the next time.

advice is to keep sick patients in their hotel rooms for that time, to stop it spreading.

While the hotel appeared to try to be helpful—in this case by checking if her insurance would cover the taxi —they should have let her recover for another day in her room. And, at 81, she shouldn’t have been sent alone on such a long taxi ride.

Donal MacIntyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ITV’s London Tonight

A It’s fair to expect a hotel to allocate a restaurant reservation for guests. They knew you were arriving late, so they should’ve checked if you wanted to eat in the hotel, especially as you had a baby with you—it’s not five-star service. You could argue for a reduction in your bill because of their failure to deliver on the reasonable expectation that you could eat there. You’re perhaps within your rights to pay only what you felt the stay was

QMy 81-year-old grandmother was holidaying in Scotland. She was in a hotel she’d visited many times with friends, but contracted norovirus while there. She was very ill before the end of her stay and was shipped out, alone, for an eighthour taxi ride home —although this is against department of health advice.

What compensation claims does she have?

AThe norovirus is not uncommon in hotels or cruise ships, and it usually lasts no more than 48 hours. Medical

In the first place, she should get her extra unused hotel night refunded, or added onto another stay there. As a longstanding guest, she should also receive an apology from the hotel for breaking medical advice, and compensation in the form of complimentary hospitality. If she su ered ill health arising from the poor management of the outbreak, she could sue the hotel for damages. She could also contact the local health authority to complain about the hotel’s management of the situation. ■

money With jasmine birtles

boxing clever

sell your own Christmas hampers and you could be quids in

Step one reSearch

Ask your friends and family what kind of items they’d like to receive in a hamper. Then take a look at any delicatessens in your area that sell them to see what they offer— big stores like Harrods and M&S do a roaring trade in hampers, so look at theirs for ideas.

Step two

“A tangerine and a packet of crisps in a shoebox? You really shouldn’t have”

get beSt-value containerS and contentS

This will maximise your profits. Buying in bulk saves a lot of money, so register with your local cash-and-carry to benefit from its low prices.

Also think about products you could make that look and taste good— jams and chutneys, shortbread, cupcakes, chocolate truffles and flavoured oils in attractive bottles would work well. (But if you plan to sell homemade produce you might have to get your kitchen registered. Speak to your local authority to check the regulations in your area.)

Step three preSentation

Don’t go over the top. Some shredding to fill up the empty spaces, Cellophane wrapping and a bow will be perfect. If you want to add more luxury you could tie a ribbon right around the hamper (this is also a good way to hide the bunching of the Cellophane), or drop in some foiled chocolates.

If you’re given a gift, keep any ribbons or bows that are on it—they might come in handy for your hampers.

Step four coStingS

To work out how to price your hamper, you need first to consider how much it

cost to make—include the items inside, the basket itself, the decorations, advertising and delivery costs.

Second, your time: how long does it take to make a hamper? Consider how much you’d like to pay yourself an hour and incorporate this into the costs.

Once you’ve a good idea of how much each hamper costs to make and distribute, you can decide how much you’re going to mark the price up depending on the quality of your hamper, and also compared to the price of similar hampers in the shops.

Step five Selling

Try your local car-boot sale first, particularly the cheaper ones—you’ll get a chance to see what the response is. Also advertise locally in newspapers and shops, or on the web (as long as you can deliver nationwide).

FasCinating FaCt

According to Halifax, 9% of those still paying for last year’s festive season say they’ll still be paying the bill into 2013.

hoW to give to Charity Without spending any money

Charities are suffering because many of us feel we can’t afford to give as much as we’d like. In fact, nearly three-quarters of the UK population say they wouldn’t leave money to charities in their will, according to Standard Life. But I’ve uncovered a host of ways you can still give to your favourite cause without spending a penny!

Shop online for cashback Give or Take (giveortake. com) allows you to earn cash from purchases made online—and then offers the choice of giving it to charity. During registration you’ll be asked to choose whether you’re a “Giver” or a “Taker”. Once £25 has been generated, Givers will see their cashback donated monthly to their charity, and Takers will get money paid straight into their personal account.

charity credit cards

These allow you to donate money as you spend, without any extra cost to yourself. A host of banks offer credit cards that donate a percentage to good causes, including MBNA (RSPCA, WWF, Dogs Trust), and the Co-operative (Think). However, do check the amount actually given to the charities. Quite often it’s too small to be worth it, and you’d be better off using a cashback

card then donating your own cash back to the charity.

triodos bank Triodos Bank lends money to businesses and charities it deems to be of social or ecological benefit, and it’s the only commercial bank in the UK that allows customers to see precisely who they lend their money to.

You’ll need £100 to open a Charity Saver account, and there’s a range of organisations you can help. Interest rates for savings with the Charity Saver account are 0.05% for over £100, 0.10% for £5,000+, while an account with over £25,000 will benefit by 0.15% AER.

Triodos will also donate 0.25% of your total end-of-year balance to whichever cause you choose.

gift aid Gift Aid is a government initiative that allows charities to claim back the basic rate of tax on contributions made by UK citizens. This means that for every pound you give, your chosen charity will receive an extra 25p from the Inland Revenue—at no extra cost to you!

To use Gift Aid, you must pay income or capital-gains tax and have paid enough in the tax year in question to cover the amount the charity will reclaim.

recycle for charity You can recycle and give to charity at the same time!

Everyday office items such as mobile phones, inkjet cartridges and laptops can be recycled with Greensource (greensourcesolutions.co.uk), which will help a charity.

The government’s new Green Deal has now come into force and it means you’ll be able to get a new boiler, wall insulation or other heat-improving, money-saving products installed, initially for free.

Once these are in, you’ll gradually pay for the work done via the savings you make in lower gas and electricity bills.

NEWS JUST IN...

Gender law could lead to rate increase

From 21 December 2012, new European gender law means that men and women will have to be treated the same when it comes to insurance premiums. This means that the rates you would pay for any new insurance products will change.

For this reason, it really makes sense to think about financial services products before the 20th December 2012 deadline. To find out more about the range of products offered by Reader’s Digest phone 0800 022 3822 or visit readersdigest.co.uk/financialservices

How does it work? You can either approach a “Green Deal assessor” and pay for the assessment yourself (then you can choose any installer to carry out the work), or you can get an assessment from a Green Deal provider (some will charge, but others will do it for free). The assessor will say how your property can be made more e cient—it’s likely that the main points will be wall insulation or a new boiler. Usually these cost quite a lot, but with the new deal you don’t pay anything upfront. (But you’ll have to wait until January for the scheme to be fully running before you can sign up for work to start.)

Where do you go for info? Try the government website greendealinitiative. co.uk for a start. This will tell you how to get an assessor and what your protections are. Consumer groups are warning that it’s possible for rogue traders to exploit the scheme. Don’t trust unsolicited mail or calls from people purporting to be engineers and assessors. Check first.

This initiative is not for everyone, and it could be fiddly to administrate fairly, but if you’d like to make your home warmer and cheaper to run, and you don’t have the cash just now, it could work for you.

Why not find out about other financial help that’s available to help you make your home more energy-e cient? Take a look at the energy-saving page on gov.uk to find out what you could be entitled to.

Want to get free stu at Christmas? Then listen to JASMINE’S PODCAST at readersdigest.co.uk/magazine

THE ONE THING YOU MUST DO THIS MONTH... THIS MONTH’S BARGAIN

Get an exclusive 10% o all jewellery at latestsale. com, which has a fabulous collection of items for women and men. Prices start at £20 and go up to £10,000. Anything on this site would make a fantastic Christmas gift! Simply use the discount code RD10 DEC 2012 by December 25.

JARGON BUSTER DEFICIT

This is the amount by which spending exceeds income over the course of a year. In the case of a country’s trade, it refers to its exports minus imports. When it comes to the government’s budget, it’s the amount the government needs to borrow during the year to fund its spending.

...is renew your train season ticket before the prices go up in January. Also, book any train tickets you know you’ll need next year before they go up.

You can book tickets from any station to anywhere in the UK through southernrailway. co.uk, and if you don’t use the tickets for any reason, if you’ve booked online you’ll be able to get the money back. Also sign up for emails from your local train operator—it will often have special flash sales. ■

Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com

This Christmas treat yourself or a loved one to a whole year of inspiring real-life stories, hilarious jokes and fun puzzles, delicious recipes, great gardening advice, must-know tips and much more. Plus, with this special o er you save 64% o the cover price!

Special subscription o er Get 12 issues of Reader’s Digest for only £14.90! Order now! Call 0800 652 4048 and quote the code RDXMAS12 Or visit www.readersdigest.co.uk/subscribe

FAST FOOD WITH PETER GORDON

COMFORT FIRST

NEW! Every month a guest chef shares their favourite quick recipe

Bread-and-butter pudding has to be one of the best comfortfood puddings of all time. It’s incredibly easy to make and it’s fool-proof—both quite comforting in themselves.

However, as I’m always one to twist flavours and expectations in the kitchen, and I have a penchant for southeast Asian flavours, I’ve found that by using coconut milk in place of cow’s milk, you end up with something quite exciting.

Serve with lightly stewed frozen berries, rhubarb or even frozen gooseberries— simmered with a little vanilla, sugar and any spices that take your fancy. It couldn’t be easier!

Born in New Zealand, Peter Gordon is best known in this country for his pioneering east-meets-west fusion style of cooking.

COCONUT BREADANDBUTTER PUDDING (Serves 6)

150g butter, melted

8 slices slightly stale fruit bread (or use plain bread and 2tbs dried fruit)

4tbs desiccated coconut, lightly toasted 3 eggs

60g caster sugar

1tsp finely grated orange zest ½tsp vanilla extract

350ml of tinned coconut milk

1. Preheat oven to 160C/320F/Gas

Mark 3. Butter a baking dish— ideally you’ll be able to fit 4 slices of bread in the dish in one layer.

2. Butter all 8 slices of bread on both sides and sit 4 in the dish. Sprinkle with half the toasted coconut.

3. Whisk the eggs, sugar, orange zest, vanilla and coconut milk and pour ⅓ over the bread.

4. Lay the next 4 slices of bread on top, sprinkle with the remaining coconut and pour on the remaining egg mixture. Press the bread down gently into the creamy mixture. 5. Bake for 20–25 minutes, until the custard has set. Check it with a toothpick—it shouldn’t be too moist. ■

EATS & DRINKS WITH NIGEL BARDEN

BREAM FISH

A great, sustainable, but too-little-known British fish is the sea bream, also called black bream by fishmongers, or b*****d fish by anglers— they’re cunning bait stealers! This white, fleshy, gently oily

fish is magnificent barbecued, grilled, fried or roasted, ideally as a whole fish. And make sure they’re wild— if farmed, they’re another kind of fish (gilt-head bream).

SICILIAN SIPPERS

SMASHING MASH

To help create a smooth mash, add boiled spuds to a milk (or cream, or both) and butter mix you’ve just brought to the boil. To cook your spuds evenly, put them in cold water and bring to the boil before simmering until tender. Then drain them and leave in a colander for four minutes to dry out, before mashing.

❱ Pan temperature is crucial: oil too hot and you’ll burn the steak; too cool and it’ll be grey and tasteless. To test the temperature, put the flat of your hand over the pan. If you can just about hold it there, it’s spot on; if unbearable, it’s too hot. For belt and braces, put an edge of your steak into the pan—if it sizzles, but not dementedly, you’re onto a winner.

WHISKING GALORE

If a speck of yolk gets in the whites when you’re separating eggs, whisking won’t happen. Oil, butter or any fat has a similar e ect. So start again—it’s quick once you get it right. Separate eggs individually, so you’ll only lose one egg instead of a whole batch. Whites whip up faster at room temperature, but the yolk and white separate better when the eggs are straight from the fridge.

Sicily produces more wine than Australia and New Zealand combined, and has grown grapes since Ancient Greek times—even though much of it is pretty average, used for blending elsewhere in Italy, or sweet wine (Marsala). But now quality not quantity is the mantra —and, ironically, good producers such as Calatrasi have employed Aussie winemakers. Nero d’Avola is the red grape to look out for; Catarratto and Grillo for white. ■

Nigel Barden is the food and drink presenter on Simon Mayo’s show on BBC Radio 2, and chairman of the Great Taste Awards

GARDENING WITH BOB FLOWERDEW

COAST GARDEN

How can you bring a taste of the sea to your back door?

QLast summer, you suggested we throw away our mowers, rip up our lawns, and make something more ecological (and also lower labour). I live near the coast and want a “seaside” garden. Could you suggest a simple plan and, if possible, include a crop? (I’ve heard asparagus is a seaside plant.)

AAsparagus and sea kale are seaside plants thriving in light, sandy soils. You could create an unusual and productive garden with these, and also perhaps with the shrub sea buckthorn —it has masses of orange vitamin-rich berries, useful for sauce and jelly.

Strip o the turf and sell it, or stack to rot down for potting. Or keep it in place and cover the lawn with weed-suppressant geo-textile fabric. Set your plants out in pits already dug and enriched—ideally do this in early spring. (The fewer plants, the less work now and in future, as each requires a hole through the fabric where weeds could grow.) Cover the fabric generously deep with sand, shingle, pebbles or stones. Position a few choice “maritime” objects, and voila!

Q

My front path is crazy paving with brick edges, and weeds are thick in every crack. I don’t want to use weedkillers, as there are many plants close on both sides. Is a flame gun the answer?

A

A flame gun will do the job— gas-powered ones can usually be hired. Two or three treatments a week or so apart gets rid of all but very deep-rooted weeds,

and usefully kills their seeds, but it’s more suitable for larger areas such as gravelled drives.

Try this cheaper way instead—every time you boil water, carefully pour any surplus over the weeds before it cools. They change colour, then brown and wither away over the next few days. Work your way methodically along the path each time you brew, and in a few weeks most weeds will be gone. Continue to treat any that recover—they’ll soon expire. This works surprisingly well.

QThis winter I’m building a small lean-to greenhouse. It’ll have electric light, but I can’t a ord to heat it. What can I grow and when do I start?

AA greenhouse means you can sow and crop salads and hardy annuals months before outdoor batches. Sow lettuce, pak choi, rocket, spring onions, radish and most annual herbs and flowers from mid-February. With the electricity, a propagator would cost no more to run than an old-fashioned light bulb. Then you can start everything much earlier and find tenderer plants such as cucumbers, peppers and tomatoes much easier. Sow from January and later move into a cold frame made inside the greenhouse. Without a propagator, it’s better to buy these plants in late March or April.

Good value is also had from extraearly new potatoes, French beans and sweetcorn grown in buckets from March, following these later with sweet potatoes and melons.

Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4’s Gardeners’ Question Time. Send your gardening questions to Bob at excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk

BOB’S JOBS: DECEMBER

Clean and put away almost everything, as little will be needed during the rest of winter, other than a few tools. Make sure you empty hoses, cans and anything containing water —when it freezes

hard it’s sure to crack the container. Clean paths and tidy beds and borders. Make sure all pruning is completed, then retire indoors to plan crops, flower schemes and new plantings for spring.

READER’S TIP

As the weather gets colder and the frosts become more common, try using chicken feed to melt ice on paths. It doesn’t damage plants the way salt does, and the birds will eat it once the ice has gone! ■

» Email your gardening tips and ideas— with photos, if possible—to excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk. We’ll pay £70 if we use them on this page.

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bedding down

Spotted any spiky creatures recently? It could be a cause for concern

Why are hedgehogs sometimes out and about in December, when surely any self-respecting hog should be fast asleep hibernating?

Well, firstly—and rather sadly—it could be a young hedgehog still looking for food, struggling to hit the critical weight (around 500g) to see it through hibernation. Secondly, it seems that hedgehog hibernation is not simply an on-off switch. A hedgehog builds a nest of leaves in autumn, gathering them into a hollow and shuffling inside the pile to align the leaves, rather like the pages of a book. This structure shields the hedgehog—even if the temperature outside falls to minus 8C, inside it remains between 1C to 5C.

This is the month to let sleeping hogs lie

Hibernating hedgehogs still “wake up”

buzz off!

every eights days or so, then drift back to sleep. Most hogs awake properly during the winter and move to a second nest— hibernation is a much more fluid process than was once thought. Concerned about a hog? Contact the Hedgehog Preservation Society at britishhedgehogs.org.uk

A few Christmases ago I was living in an old cottage, and my bedroom was in the attic. To my surprise, I began to hear ominous buzzings at night—the central heating was waking up queen wasps that had flown in during summer and were now hibernating in the beams. But one night I heard a much deeper droning. Turning on the light, I found I was sharing my bed with a queen hornet warming her wings on the duvet!

Queen hornets are impressive, and as I struggled to get her out of the window, I wondered how painful it would be to be stung by her. Well, now I know. Entomologist Justin Schmidt devised a pain index to rate insect bites and stings—by getting stung by literally hundreds of venomous creatures. On the Schmidt pain scale of 1–5, a hornet sting is a fairly mild 2 (as is a bee’s), with a sweat bee down at 1 and an Amazonian bullet ant scoring as high as 4—“Pure, intense, brilliant pain. Like firewalking over flaming charcoal with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel.”

JOHN DANIELS/ARDEA.COM; MIKE BIRKHEAD/O S f /GETTY IMAGES; BEN QUEENBOROUGH/O S f /GETTY IMAGES

spoiling for a fight

The robin is not only britain’s best-loved bird, but also a symbol of Christmas, the season of peace and goodwill. i’m willing to bet you’ll have at least one Christmas card featuring a sweet robin, and possibly more than one. Yet nothing could be more inappropriate! Robins are exceptionally pugnacious—a shocking 11 per cent are killed in fights with other robins. in his definitive The Life of the Robin, david Lack says that if a Christmas card shows a number of robins perched together on a branch, “no more inappropriate symbol could be devised for the season of peace and goodwill. Should the depicted incident occur, furious conflicts would arise.”

because of this, you’ll usually only ever see one robin in your garden, yet occasionally this month you may see two apparently foraging peaceably together. So what’s going on? Sometimes a male and female (identical to look at) will start their courtship in december. They seem to make a commitment to each other, then go their separate ways before getting back together in spring to breed. it’s as if the robins have become “engaged”. n

“do you comehereoften?”

Martin Hughes-Games is a host of BBC2’s Springwatch and Autumnwatch

ONLINE WITH MARTHA LANE FOX

DIGITAL DELIVERY

In tough times, online services will help you save ££s

I want the whole world marvelling at how we in the UK use the internet—not just individually, but also in government. If 94% of tax returns in Estonia can be made online (typically in under five minutes), it’s vital that our Government o ers the same bang for our buck.

Government needs to think digital first —rather than coming up with millions of reasons why things can’t be done online —and shift to digital by default. Not digital only, but digital at the heart of great service delivery. The prize is huge.

at Government Digital Service, gov.uk is the new one-stop shop.

Like Project MyGov, which is merging 1,200 government sites in the US, gov.uk replaces Directgov, Business Link and 748 others. Harnessing digital talent and tech, gov.uk makes access to services simpler and faster, and could save a whopping £70m a year. And like web giants Google or Amazon, it’s built with your needs at heart—it spent months in “beta release” (a version released for real-world testing to uncover glitches), being prodded

and poked by the likes of you ►

£4.52bn a year—a face-to-face meeting

online—and innovative and

Economists predict that digital-bydefault public services (those supplied online or digitally) could save a cool £4.52bn a year—a face-to-face meeting alone costs £8.62, but just 15p online—and innovative and informative online options are easier and speedier for us, too.

Cheeringly, big, bold change is underway.

hundreds of public

Two years ago, I suggested rolling hundreds of public sites into one as part of recommendations to Government. Now, thanks to brave thinking by the brainy band

the brainy band

and me. There’ll be plenty of fresh features and enhancements over time, too.

With three billion Google searches every day, simple search is key, and gov.uk is stu ed with nifty tools, quick answers, and “how to” guides on everything from driving to housing. It’s already inspiring other projects (take answers.honolulu.gov, which provides info on city services), so next time you need something, try it. Or, if you can’t wait, here are my favourite tools:

TRY THESE

Buying and selling your home (gov.uk/calculateyour-business-rates).

Packed with info on everything from co-ownership to contracts, stamp duty and energy performance.

Business rates calculator. Run a business? Head to gov.uk/business-ratescalculator for an estimate. Whether you’re setting up, are self-employed or a sole trader, make sure you check the business section for loads of advice

on every aspect of your business. Maternity pay (gov.uk/ maternity-benefits). Answer a few simple questions and this whizzy tool will say which schemes and benefits you could claim. Student finance calculator (gov.uk/ student-financecalculator). Estimates loans, grants and allowances. State Pension calculator (gov.uk/ calculatestate-pension). See when you’ll reach State Pension age, and how much you could get (in today’s money).

ABSOLUTE BEGINNER WHAT’S A BLOG?

SHORT FOR “WEB-LOG”, blogs are online notebooks used for sharing anything from snaps to stories.

There are over 180 million worldwide, and anyone can start one—they’re great for pursuing passions and inspiring ideas. To find one, open your web browser, head to blogsearch.google.co.uk and type in an interest.

Fancy your own blog? Go to wordpress.com or blogger. com. They o er super-simple —and often free—tools to help you get started. ■

Martha Lane Fox is the UK’s digital champion and chairs

Go ON UK (go-on.co.uk)

The web is vital for helping us all achieve the most in terms of our health, wealth and happiness. If you’re getting started, there are a few “Basic Online Skills” to tick o during kick-o . Helping you navigate the net (and have more fun) from the get-go, they include sending and receiving emails, browsing websites, filling in application forms, and online safety. Whether you’re pretty whizzy or getting started, find out what basic online skills you need at go-on.co.uk.

showing off

Are the days of the car showroom numbered?

As a car-obsessed child, I’d drag my dad round endless showrooms, sitting on polished leather, sucking up the new-car smell, and collecting armfuls of brochures while he distracted the salesman. These days, I’d just Google it. It’s this shift that’s changing car buying forever.

Showrooms connected people with

from showroom to screen?

models most brands now offer. The days of just three or four versions of a car are long gone in a globalised world with everincreasing demands of personalisation and choice. Want a BMW 3 Series? There are 203 core model variations now. That’s before optional extras. (Good luck with showing all of them off—you’d need a football pitch.) And that’s one model. From the 1 Series up to the 7 Series, BMW now has nearly 500 model variations across its range, and there are an awful lot more to come.

cars, but the internet—the universal connector—is taking over that role. Why sit in a car or, God forbid, drive it when you can fall in love online? It might sound a bit crazy, but it seems that some people who buy a new Mini never road-test one. The idea of the car is so strong that they dive into the website and sign right up.

But this doesn’t seem so strange when you consider that no dealer could offer a drive in every one of the huge variety of

with this in mind, Audi is trying something totally new. Opposite The Ritz in London, it now has a virtual showroom open to the public. The Audi City concept allows potential customers to configure life-size cars on huge screens on the wall. They can also see key technological facts explained with friendly computer animations. This all-digital approach also means Audi can place showrooms in busy city centres, where it would be impossible to show lots of cars. Audi plans to have 20 similar showrooms open worldwide by 2015.

Gone are the shining cars and new-car smell, to be replaced by LCD screens. Even the showroom is entering the digital age.

OnE TO DREAM ABOuT

Bowler EXR s (£186,000) Once upon a time this car was a Range Rover Sport, but it’s had more than a touch of the Lance Armstrongs since then. For 28 years, Bowler have been taking Range Rovers and catapulting them into the rallying stratosphere. This car is the latest, and it’s an awesome combination of raw speed and off-road guts. It’ll take you places a Lamborghini can only dream of, and scare you senseless while doing it.

OnE TO SpOT

Jaguar XJ Ultimate (£121,980)

Even after three years, Jaguar’s new XJ executive cruiser still looks fresh and dramatic. But if that isn’t special enough for you, see if you can spot an XJ Ultimate. This extended car features rear airline-style individual seats, a central champagne chiller cabinet, integrated iPads, and lots more. It’s luxurious, gorgeous, and as rare as a British victory at Wimbledon.

OnE TO Buy

Vw Polo BluegT (£17,400) What would you do if half your engine suddenly shut down? Call the AA? Or rejoice at the improved fuel consumption? This Polo gives 140bhp from a peppy 1.4l engine, but also an average 61.8mpg—by shutting down a couple of cylinders when the engine doesn’t need them. It’s very clever and you won’t notice. A brilliant little car, and a quiet little revolution.

pull your snocks up

Swapping summer tyres for winter rubber is still a faff, particularly when the arrival of snow seems to be so irregular. You can find an easier solution in Snocks —special snow “socks” for your tyres that are easy to fit in a jiffy if the white stuff does descend. Snocks are special reinforced-fabric sheaths that cover the tread of your tyre and transform your car’s ability to grip in the snow. Keep them in the car and you’re always covered. Just register the diameter of your tyres and order online. Snocks are even machine washable! (£69.95; snocks.com) ■

Conor Mcnicholas is the former editor of BBC Top Gear Magazine

TRAVEL WITH KATE PETTIFER

my great escape

Sandy Nordbruch from the Isle of Wight savours a Middle-Earth New Zealand

I have a fear of heights— so travelling on narrow tracks in a fourwheel drive along Skippers Canyon, on a tiny track inaccessible to most vehicles, and with sheer drops on one side, I was totally outside my comfort zone! I adore J R R Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings, and fell for the breathtaking scenery in the film. So when I spotted a tour of New Zealand that included the option to visit some of the film locations, I signed up.

tolkien trip: sandy just above Queenstown on the south island

RING MASTERS

sandy travelled with five-star escorted travel group scenic tours: their itineraries start at £5,995 for an all-inclusive 27-day tour (0800 690 6987; scenictours.co.uk).

rising above the car wheels and splashing the windscreen. This was the location for the Ford of Bruinen in The Fellowship of the Ring, where black riders (or Nazgûl) give chase to the heroes (pictured below).

A sweeping panorama opened up around the corner, distant mountains lining the horizon. It was here that many of the scenes were shot—the Southern Alps were the setting for the “Misty Mountains”. Queenstown on the South Island was my base for touring the film locations. One half-day jaunt took me on an exciting drive through fords along the riverbed, the fast-flowing water

Island was my base for touring the miners, —sadly, the speck of insufficient to for my holiday! The

The whole area around Arrowtown was once home to gold miners, and I tried my hand at panning —sadly, the speck of gold I found was insufficient to pay for my holiday! The

next day I took a thrilling jetboat ride through amazing canyons on the Shotover River. No wonder a flood scene was filmed here.

I visited two more locations: the beaches and beautiful forests of Abel Tasman National Park near Nelson on the South Island, and Matamata on the North Island —the setting for Hobbiton, full of green pastures and small hillocks.

With the release this month of The Hobbit, there should be renewed interest in these stunning locations.

send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we’ll pay you £70. see address on page 4.

travel website of the month

Germany tops our christmas-markets poll. A new Magical Moselle Markets five-day cruise departs Dover on December 10 (from £299pp; 0844 544 6581; rivercruiseline. co.uk). For a medieval market, Der Tour features Rothenburg ob der Tauber (from £349pp; 020 7290 1111; dertour.co.uk). Directline Holidays has great-value twonighters to Berlin’s markets (from £127pp; 0800 408 6324; directline-holidays.co.uk).

This is a good year to hunt down hotel breaks at twixmas—the weekend between December 25 and New Year. One stylish b&b with a good deal is Cottage Lodge in Hampshire’s New Forest. Its 15 eco-luxe rooms start at £149pp for three nights’ b&b (01590 622 296; cottagelodge.co.uk). Warner Leisure Hotels (0844 871 4523; warnerleisurehotels.co.uk) is offering breaks from £119pp for two nights’ half board.

New for this season, ski specialist ski safari has launched in Sweden and Norway. Choose from one of their suggested touring itineraries, or tailor-make your own stay. A ten-night Fjords and Mountains Safari in Norway, visiting Bergen, Voss and Geilo, including train travel on the Bergento-Oslo railway, starts at £989pp, including accommodation, direct flights and transfers (01273 224 068; skisafari.com).

responsibletravel.com In a bid to flag up innovative travel sites, it’s easy to overlook the original and best. Responsible Travel is one such: it’s been around for 12 years and stands the test of time, clinging to a simple principle of sourcing sustaining travel products. From a hotel that benefits its local community to a tour company run by locals, all accommodation and holidays meet RT’s strict criteria. ■

EXCLUSIVE SAVINGS

BOOK BEFORE 15TH DECEMBER 2012

BRING OUT THE BEST CHINA

Savour the classic sights of this culture-packed country on a spectacular tour

With a continent as colourful and as diverse as Asia, it can be hard to know where to start. Thailand or Burma? Indonesia or India?

Luckily, Reader’s Digest Holidays, brought to you in association with escorted-travel experts Travelsphere, can help you decide. This month, we’ve put together 24 pages of travel ideas brimming with eastern promise, in our brand-new brochure, included free with this month’s magazine.

Never mind Asia – China alone leaves you spoilt for choice: a giant of a country, it is home to some of the world’s most prestigious cultural sights. Thankfully, our 16-day Highlights of China itinerary, starting at £2,199 showcases everything the first-time visitor would want to see, from pandas to the Great Wall, to the Forbidden City.

The trip kicks o with a three-night stay in Shanghai, exploring this vibrant and exciting city. From Shanghai, you’ll also enjoy a day trip to Suzhou, a 2,500-year-old city of lushly landscaped gardens, ribboned by canals.

Wonders of the terracotta kind await at the next stop, Xian, from where you’ll explore the

site of the Terracotta Army at Li Shan mountain.

The city of Chengdu brings another two-night stay, and the chance to visit the Chengdu Panda Research Centre. Transfer by train to Chongqing, then it’s all aboard for a three-night cruise on the famous Yangtze river, passing through spectacular scenery, gazing at gorges.

Beijing provides the climax for this trip of a lifetime, with four nights in the capital giving you plenty of time to experience the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, night markets and Olympic sites.

Readers Alan and Myra Williscroft give their verdict on the trip, right. And you can discover the full range of Reader’s Digest Holidays on our website. Book with us and not only will you benefit from Travelsphere’s 50 years of experience as part of the Page & Moy travel group, but also you’re guaranteed financial peace of mind, because all of our holidays are ABTA and ATOL protected – all the reassurance you need to make 2013 the year you head east!

in association with

TRIED AND TESTED

Alan and Myra Williscroft from Garswood joined the Highlights of China tour in June 2012

“This was our first trip to China: we would never have managed it without our tour manager. She was very e cient – making checking in and out of hotels simple – and she knew exactly when the best time to do things was, such as visiting the pandas in Chengdu when they were at their most lively. Of course, we looked forward to seeing the Terracotta Army and the Great Wall, but once you’re actually there, it’s incredible. They’re still uncovering terracotta figures at Li Shan, and the size and the age of the Great Wall is only something that really hits you when you see it for yourself. The great thing about an itinerary like this is that you get to see so much in a limited time.”

MORE EASTERN TREASURES

Best of Thailand City, coast and jungle are all covered on this 12-day tour through the Land of Smiles.

EXCLUSIVE SAVINGS

This offer is only available to our customers. And it’s not just on the holidays in this month’s brochure – there are more than 220 Reader’s Digest tours to destinations all over the globe, including more than 100 to European hot spots, and ALL are offered exclusively to you at a special price for a limited period only. See our full range at readersdigestholidays.co.uk and save up to £160 per couple on long-haul holidays and up to £80 per couple on European holidays.

Cambodia and the Mekong Delta Savour a fabulous fortnight from Thailand, through Cambodia, down river to Vietnam’s Saigon.

Images of Burma

The newest addition to our Asian collection, this 12-day trip is a must for the seasoned Asia traveller.

BOOKS FOR CHRISTMAS BY A N WILSON

EXTRACTS FROM OUR FAVOURITE NEW RELEASE

TRUE STORIES, TRUE HEROINES: THE NURSES OF THE SECOND WORLD WAR

BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE: IAN RANKIN

Books for Christmas

FOR YOUNG CHILDREN

Even in a golden age for illustrated children’s books, Louise Yates stands out as a superb artist and storyteller. Her latest Dog Loves Drawing (Red Fox, £5.99) is about a dog who’s given a sketchbook. His drawings not only come to life, but also start drawing themselves! You’ll be able to read it aloud any number of times without going nuts.

I love Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler’s books, and the new one from the creators of The Gruffalo is Superworm (Alison Green Books, £10.99)—very funny, very inventive and with the added advantage of being in rhyme.

A reissue I can’t resist

adding is Rumbelow’s Dance (Andersen, £5.99) by John Yeoman with illustrations by Quentin Blake at his glorious best. Rumbelow pays a visit to his grandparents and on the way encounters a whole range of characters: a sad-faced farmer, a pig, a poultry-boy, a peg-lady... you get the idea. One of those list books that children absolutely love.

FOR OLDER CHILDREN

I eagerly await any new book from David Almond, the author of Skellig, and this year’s offering The Boy Who Swam with Piranhas (Walker, £9.99) does not disappoint.

Stanley Potts’s Uncle Ernie is made redundant from the local shipyards and starts a fish cannery. Little by little, Ernie goes mad, and this tale of the canner and the uncanny becomes a running-awayto-the-circus adventure.

Stanley then finds himself apprenticed to a man who swims with piranhas and as he plunges underwater he discovers...well, himself. It’s

A N Wilson chooses the best of 2012

a beautiful story. They say it’s for eight-year-olds, but I’m a bit older than that and I loved it.

Whether or not you enjoyed Michelle Paver’s cult fantasy-book Wolf Brother, you’ll love her Gods and Warriors

(Puffin, £12.99), the first in a new series for young adults. Set in the Bronze Age Mediterranean among mysterious goddesses, spooky fighters and a dolphin called Spirit, it has a compelling narrative and a well-evoked, slightly Ursula le Guinish world.

ROYAL READING

For grown-ups, the ultimate Christmas treat will surely be Counting One’s Blessings: the Selected Letters of

“She always sparkled”: the future Queen Mother in 1922

Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother (Macmillan, £25) edited by WiIliam Shawcross. Whether she’s writing about politics to her mother-in-law Queen Mary, or about fishing and poetry to Ted Hughes, she always sparkled. What a tonic she was— and remains. This book will revive you from any recession blues. However dark the skies, she retains her sunny, P G Wodehouse-ish joy.

If you want something royal, but a bit more bracing, try Jane Ridley’s coruscating Bertie: a Life of Edward VII (Chatto & Windus, £30). No one emerges unscathed by the author’s wit and disapproval. She reserves her harshest words for Bertie’s mother Queen

Victoria, but the famous roué prince doesn’t always emerge in a very dignified light from his innumerable scandals and scrapes. Ridley has spent years researching this book in the Windsor archives, but the narrative is as fresh as a comic novel.

THRILLERS

Peter James’s thrillers, set in Brighton with the detective Roy Grace, have already attracted a massive following. The latest Not Dead Yet (Pan, £7.99) will have you hooked from page one. It’s about an international pop star turned actress, rather in

the Madonna mould—a Brighton girl who returns to her birthplace to make a film about the love life of George IV and Mrs Fitzherbert. Even before her plane has touched down, the dodgy characters have started to surface, from men creepily obsessed with her, to those nursing grudges. Not for those of a nervous disposition.

Sidney Chambers and the Shadow of Death (Bloomsbury, £14.99) by James Runcie (below), a collection of longish short stories about a clergymandetective in the 1950s and beyond, is much gentler.

Beautifully crafted, these tales are perfectly placed to become comfort viewing on Sunday

evenings, filling those Rumpoleand Morse-sized gaps in our lives. But enjoy them as literature first.

This year

I have become an addict of Andrew Martin’s novels starring Jim Stringer, the sacked Edwardian fireman turned railway policeman based in York. The Baghdad Railway Club (Faber, £12.99), which came out this summer, takes Stringer to Mesopotamia during the First World War. It has all the railway detail that’s the hallmark of the series, but it’s also a superbly crafted spy story.

of Britain, but it is also so funny, so well-observed, with such superb dialogue. How could it have been overlooked? Buy one copy and you’ll find all the grown-ups and teenagers in your family sneaking off with it. Best be on the safe side and buy two.

NON-FICTION

GENERAL FICTION

How it came about that Zadie Smith’s NW (Hamish Hamilton, £18.99) wasn’t even on the shortlist for this year’s Man Booker prize, I can’t begin to imagine. The author of White Teeth has returned to Willesden—and returned to form in a big way. The result is a serious novel about London and the condition

The Soldier’s Wife (Doubleday, £18.99) by Joanna Trollope is another fantastic book by a favourite novelist at the top of her form—the analysis of a very difficult marriage, done with tremendous compassion and realism.

Dan Riley comes back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan, unable to shake off his preoccupation with the army, and unable to see how many needs and preoccupations are churning around in his wife’s life and mind. This is a story that stayed with me long after I had finished it.

You probably remember the name Ken Saro-Wiwa, Nigerian activist and writer, who was judicially murdered in 1995. His daughter Noo (below) was 19 at the time. She has, understandably, a complicated relationship with Nigeria, which her parents compelled her to visit for school holidays when the other kids in her British schools were holidaying in Europe.

She also continues to have a complicated relationship with her father, who had high standards for his children (checking even from prison that she was doing her homework), while leading in effect a bigamous life with two families. Noo Saro-Wiwa’s book Looking for Transwonderland: Travels in Nigeria (Granta, £14.99) revisits her father’s country 17 years after his death, and is a terrific piece of travel-writing-cumautobiography. The Transwonderland of the title is Nigeria’s equivalent

of Disneyworld, and stands as a metaphor for some of the country’s dreams.

A fantastic book— by turns very funny and deeply moving.

AND FINALLY…

…some wonderful stocking fillers.

Richard Ingrams’s Quips and Quotes: a Journalist’s Commonplace

Book (Oldie Publications, £9.99) is irresistible. The title explains it: Ingrams has collected

together

sayings about music, God, life and death —all of which will be more fun than reading out the jokes from the crackers when you gather round the table for Christmas dinner.

My own favourite quotes in the book include Claud Cockburn’s “England is too small for its boots”; and Willie Rushton’s “Where would we be without a sense of humour?” [Short pause] “Germany”. Then again, I also liked this one from

Quentin Crisp: “Never try to keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.”

Or try An Insomniac’s Guide to the Small Hours (Short Books, £10) by Ysenda Maxtone Graham. Anyone who has suffered from sleeplessness will find this book, with its hilarious illustrations by Kath Walker, a painfully funny guide to what happens to a mind unwillingly awake at 2am. There’s also a spiky supply of remedies and non-remedies.

Or how about biographer Michael Holroyd’s dear little book On Wheels (Chatto & Windus, £9.99), an illustrated account in 120-odd pages of his life as a motorist, and of the cars he’s driven over the past 50 years. A must for motormaniacs everywhere. ►

From the Blitz to Belsen

British nurses—some of them teenagers at the time—were there at every phase of the war. Now they finally get to tell their own story

Nobody who reads Sisters: Memories from the Courageous Nurses of World War Two is likely to disagree with its final words. “The men and women interviewed for this project,” writes Barbara Mortimer, “are the very definition of heroes. We owe them an enormous debt of gratitude.”

But in fact this is a rare piece of editorial intervention. Throughout the book, Mortimer always allows the participants to speak directly for themselves, modestly confining her own contributions to the background information we need fully to understand more than 150 unpublished interviews from the archives of the Royal College of Nursing.

The result is even more comprehensive than its subtitle suggests. It begins in the mid-1930s with some hair-raising tales from the days when young nurses were not only underpaid and overworked (something their successors might think hasn’t changed much), but also subject to strict discipline from fearsome matrons and ward sisters—many of whom had lost fiancés in the First World War. It ends with the 1948 coming of the National Health Service, when district nurses tell of their relief at no longer having to demand money from their often very poor patients.

But most of the action does of course take place between 1939 and 1945: from babies delivered during the Blitz to the horrified recollections of nurses present at the liberation of Belsen; from the developments in the treatment of burns victims (not passages for the faint of heart) to the “miracle” of penicillin, which arrived only towards the end of the war.

Along with the spectacular set pieces, there are all sorts of unexpected moments, too. One young nurse recalls sitting her exams as the doodlebugs buzzed overhead. (“We were told that in the event of enemy action you must not leave your desk.”) Another reminds us that during the Battle of Britain, she and her

A MIDWIfE IN NORMANDY:

THE BOOk ALSO fOLLOWS NuRSES INTO fRANCE

“After completing only Part 1 of their midwifery training, Joan Gray (née Goddard) and her friends were now enrolled in the QAs [the largest Army nursing service] and preparing for the D-Day invasion: ‘We were sent to Southampton, where we had the night in an army camp. They gave us the most lovely food. Oh, it was lovely, tinned peaches, and we said, “They are feeding us up for the kill”, and then off we went to France with British General Hospital 84 on June 16, 1944.

‘When we got over there, they lowered the ►

“Let’s hope nobody needs the kiss of life”: the Red Cross Detachment at the House of Lords in 1939

colleagues also cared for any German pilots who’d bailed out. And even on VE night, disciplinary standards were still in place—several nurses found themselves in serious trouble with matron for staying out beyond 10 o’clock.

As a flavour of this terrific, warm-hearted book, here are some memories of treating the returned soldiers after Dunkirk: first from Eileen Willis at Millbank Military Hospital, and then from Barbara Greenwood, a student nurse…

Eileen Willis: When Dunkirk happened, the ward was full of hernias or appendix cases, normal sort of things that young people get. I remember they all had their earphones on and we were dashing round and dusting, serving meals and they all went terribly serious and we said, ‘What is it, what is it?’ They motioned us to shut up and then at the end of the bulletin there was dead silence and they said that France had fallen. There was nothing between the Germans and the English coast. I remember that very well…

We cleared the hospital for casualties and there were all these empty beds and we just kept on replenishing hot-water bottles. Then the door opened and the first ones came in. I was 19, and I’d never seen anything like it. Of course they were in an awful state, filthy dirty, exhausted. A lot of them had been on stretchers on

Sisters: Memories from the Courageous Nurses of World War Two, edited by Barbara Mortimer, in association with the Royal College of Nursing, is published by Hutchinson at £18.99

the beaches for 24 hours. They had been bombed and starved and they were wounded.

I remember we got them all into bed and they had the first dressings. But they just slept and slept, then woke up and had some food, then went back to sleep again. There was a young chap, he’d got white hair and I looked on his notes and he was 21. I said to one of the auxiliary sisters, ‘Why has he got all this white hair?’ She said, ‘It’s what he’s been through.’ But within about six weeks it had all grown through in his own colour, which I found extraordinary.

Barbara Greenwood: It was the end of my first year, and I was sent down to Northwood hospital for the last month of my night duty. And we took a batch of the worst of the wounded [from Dunkirk]. Some of them had lost two limbs, some two legs and one arm. It was horrific. Really was terrible. There were only the three of us. But goodness, we didn’t stop all night. These poor men were marvellously brave and wonderful in every way.

I remember one night, one chappie called me over and said, ‘Oh nurse, I’ve got such irritation in my arm.’ He’d had an amputation and I said, ‘Well let me have a quick look at your dressing.’ And I looked, and it was crawling with maggots, and I thought my hair had actually stood on end.

But I said, ‘Don’t worry, it’s perfectly all right’, put his dressing back and went as fast as I could, without running, to the sister, and I said, ‘Oh sister, he’s covered in maggots’, and she said, ‘That’s absolutely fine.’ Apparently they wanted the maggots to eat the dead tissue and the maggots were left, incredible.

ramp and said, “Now you can wade ashore.” There was great shouting and waving from the beach and the men there saw that we were women.

‘They hadn’t seen women there before and they found an amphibious vehicle, and sent it out so we landed dry. Then lorries came for us and we were driving off to where the hospitals were being set up. When the French saw us they were clapping and cheering and waving to us. It was really very nice.’ ”

War baby: a nurse checks on a child born during an air raid in 1940

mirrorpi X

Books that Changed my Life

Ian Rankin is the UK’s number-one bestselling crime writer. His 18th Inspector Rebus novel Standing in Another Man’s Grave is out now. His stand-alone novel Doors Open has been adapted for TV, starring Stephen Fry, and will be broadcast on ITV on December 23.

Laidlaw by William McIlvanney

I was dabbling with writing novels when I read this seminal work of Scottish crime fiction. It was far removed from outlandish plots set in English country villages, but set instead in gritty 1980s Glasgow. Laidlaw was a flawed and believable character, and McIlvanney wrote about class and city life. I saw that a detective could be a good way of exploring moral questions and, although I’d never intended to write crime fiction, my character of John Rebus started to evolve. I took my copy of Laidlaw to a book signing and told McIlvanney about my ideas. He wrote on the inside cover, “Good luck with the Edinburgh Laidlaw.” That’s a precious possession.

The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr

Hyde

by Robert Louis Stevenson

Crime writers ask the question, “Why do humans continue to do bad things to each other?” As any war shows, we’re all capable of atrocities. It’s the desire to explore his darker side that drives Dr Jekyll. I, too, am fascinated by the concept of dual personality—the light

As told to Caroline Hutton

A Clockwork Orange

by Anthony Burgess

There wasn’t much going on in Cardenden, Fife, where I grew up.

But there was a library.

I was banned from

seeing the films of A Clockwork Orange or One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but no one stopped me loaning the books out. This novel blew me away, not only because of the daring writing and violence it portrayed, but also because it was the first proper book I’d ever read, aged 13. I’d spent my childhood reading comics. A Clockwork Orange propelled me into the world of grownup reading.

and dark in us all. Although Stevenson grew up in Edinburgh’s New Town, he was captivated by the Old Town and would creep out of his home to consort with prostitutes and down-and-outs. So he knew a city could have a split nature. In my novels, Edinburgh is as important a “character” as Rebus himself. ■

* Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader’s Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.

1. Noughts and crosses

Put a nought (O) or a cross (X) in each cell so that there are no lines of three (OOOs or XXXs) in any direction.

3. Pathfinder

Beginning with the highlighted letter, follow a continuous path to find 18 pantomime characters. The trail passes through each and every letter once and may twist up, down or sideways but never diagonally.

Teatime Puzzles

2. Suko Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the spaces, so that the number in each circle is equal to the sum of the four surrounding spaces, and each colour total is correct.

£50 prize question (answer will be published in the January issue)

Wordladder Change one letter at a time (but not the position of any letter) to make a new word—and move from the word at the top of the ladder to the word at the bottom using the exact number of rungs provided.

The first correct answer we pick on November 29 wins £50!* Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk

Answer to November’s prize question:

One solution is: Wave, wake, ware, bare, care, cure, curl

And the £50 goes to… Honor Jennings from Gloucestershire

Laugh!

WIN £70 FOR EVERY READER’S JOKE WE PUBLISH. EMAIL EXCERPTS@ READERSDIGEST.CO.UK OR GO TO FACEBOOK.COM/READERSDIGESTUK

¶ I used to buy haute couture clothing but, what with the recession, I now wear “off the peg”. At least I did, until my neighbours started taking in their washing at night...

Jennifer Russell, Arbroath

¶ A daughter asked, “Dad, where did my intelligence come from?”

Gazing at her with love and sincerity, he replied, “Darling, you must have got it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

Elfas Kaneba, Kenya

“We’re going back to basics”

¶ A POLICE OFFICER STOPPED AT A FARM AND TOLD the old farmer, “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs.”

The farmer said, “OK—as long as you don’t go in that field over there.”

The policeman sneered nastily. “I think you’ll find, sir, that I have the authority of the police force behind me.” He pulled out his badge. “See this? It means I’m allowed to go wherever I want. No questions asked, no answers given. I’m in charge. Understand, old man?”

The farmer nodded politely and went about his chores. A short time later, he heard loud screams. He looked up to see the policeman running for his life, pursued by the farmer’s big bull. With every step, the beast was gaining ground. The policeman looked terrified.

The farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted at the top of his lungs, “Your badge—show him your badge!” Heather Marchant, Hendon, London

¶ A young boy stood outside a sweet shop, crying. A passer-by asked him what was up.

“I want sweets, but I can’t go into the shop alone,” he sobbed.

“Why ever not?” asked the passer-by.

The tearful youngster pointed to a notice on the door. It read: “Children only allowed in two at a time.” Malcolm Walker, New Eltham, London

Roman numerals to be phased out? Not on my watch

Comedian

Milton Jones, by Twitter

¶ When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now, when I see my electricity bill, I’m scared of the lights.

¶ Q: Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands?

A: Because they no longer exist.

¶ Do you want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind...it’s tearable. All three seen on the internet

I hear they’re closing nuclear power stations like they’re going out of fission

Comedian Thomas Craine, by Twitter

little epiphanies # 20: why have champagne when you can have piZZa?

by alun cochrane

Comedian Alun Cochrane inhabits a daydreamy world of surreal realisations and whimsy. This is his monthly moment of revelation Pizza makes me greedy.

I’ve noticed that lately I have an unpleasant side. I’m mostly a happy-to-share, easy-going guy. But, when it comes to pizza, I have a mean streak. I want it all. Now. There are a few comedy nights on the circuit that provide pizzas in the dressing room and, I have to confess, I eat the majority.

I eat more than my fair share, I eat to the point of discomfort, and I would probably do those shows for free just for these circular delights (not too many though, as I’m aware I can’t pay my mortgage back in Italian food).

I read recently that some lottery winners of millions and millions of pounds went for a pizza to celebrate, and (aside from the fact that, like many lottery winners, they looked perhaps like they’d already had enough pizza, and maybe cake, too) I was insanely jealous. Not of the millions of pounds they’d had plop into their lives—it wasn’t about the dough, it was about the dough. They went for celebration pizza.

Could anything taste better? It makes me wonder why we ever celebrate with anything else. Could this be the end for champagne?

mission implausible seen at clientsfromhell.net

Freelancers from the creative industries—from graphic designers to web developers and copywriters—post stories about their loopiest customers.

▪ “Brochure looks great, but we’d prefer to use a photograph of Jesus instead of a painting.”

▪ “You’re wasting way too much time on this project with thinking.”

▪ “I don’t need to hear why this won’t work. I need you to tell me it will, and then figure out how.”

▪ “If it could be made a bit simpler and with more information, that’d be great.”

▪ “Our demographic is 25- to 75-year-old men and women with an income between £10,000 and £100,000.”

▪ “OK, the project has been approved, unless our client wants changes. In that case, it’s not approved.”

▪ “Make everything bold so it all stands out!”

▪ “We really like the rest of the logo, but the horse doesn’t look like it’s enjoying itself.” (This was the sixth revision. The horse looked too happy in the third.)

▪ “You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t have the ability to do them ourselves?”

¶ Every filmmaker needs a Vimeo account, every comedian needs Twitter, and everyone that likes to complain about their job needs Facebook.

Comedian Isaac Deitz

¶ My brother and I can laugh now at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more. Seen on the internet

¶ A man is telling his grandson what Christmas was like when he was young. “If I was lucky, I’d find an apple and an orange in my Christmas stocking.”

“Wow,” said the boy. “You were so lucky to get a laptop and a phone!”

Gordon Rennie, Glasgow

¶ I’ve just received a letter telling me I “lack the imagination” required to join origami college. I don’t know what to make of it.

Twitter user @_Enanem_ D

60-Second Stand-Up

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Al Murray

favourite one-liner?

“What’s brown and taps on your window? Poo on stilts.” Kids love that one.

best joke you’ve ever written? There’s a routine I wrote in 1997 about why people don’t sell spaghetti in pubs. I was incredibly pleased with it. It’s a story that takes 20 minutes and it all falls back into place and everything makes sense, after being quite confusing.

funniest thing that’s ever happened to you?

I honestly don’t know. I can tell you what the funniest thing I ever saw was. I feel ashamed about this. I had flu and felt absolutely dreadful. We were stuck in traffic and crawling along. A woman was walking outside the car and she slipped in dog s*** like she was in a cartoon. It was absolutely hilarious. It was a guilty moment, but it made me feel better.

favourite tv show?

I really love Father Ted and Fawlty Towers. My kids—a 13-year-old and a nine-yearold—have just got into both, so it’s really exciting. My favourite episode of Fawlty is the one with the dead body.

funniest book you’ve ever read?

Catch-22. It’s because of the cut-up narrative; it’s got a hypnotic effect when you read it. Although it’s very realistic, it’s absurd at the same time. That’s a very difficult trick to pull.

finally, who’s your comedy inspiration?

My kids. They’re dry—not an adult dryness, which has cynicism and weariness with it. They’re really funny. n

Al Murray is now on tour and his new live DVD is out November 26. For details, see thepublandlord.com

Beat the Cartoonist!

WIN £100 AND A SIGNED ILLUSTRATION

Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in mid-December alongside an anonymous caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you’ll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 4 by December 7. Enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption. We’ll announce the winner in our February issue. ■

IN NEXT MONTH’S ISSUE…

Billy Connolly’s tips for successful ageing: “When you’re eating, try not to put your tongue out when the spoon is halfway to your face.”

OCTOBER’S WINNER

The cartoonists had been creeping ever closer, but the readers have moved clear once again, thanks to John Raine’s caption, “You can get two for the price of one at Sainsbury’s”, which easily saw o cartoonist Alexander Matthews’ e ort, “You should never go to the supermarket hungry”.

SCOREBOARD READERS 6 CARTOONISTS 4

• Jenny Agutter looks back in time

• A beginner’s guide to the cosmos

• Latte or cappuccino? The answers to life’s little dilemmas

PLUS The world’s best-kept health secrets

PHOTOGRAPHED BY SEAMUS RYAN

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* Instalment payment plan is available on credit/debit cards only and is subject to status. An initial deposit is due at the time of order and all payments will be charged to your credit/debit card. If the product is returned, the deposit is fully refundable. ere will be no interest charges from Bose, but please check with your credit card issuer for any interest applicable for this type of transaction. In the event of late payment, credit/debit card company interest charges may apply. Offers may not be combined with any previous offers or applied to previous purchases. Exact camera model may vary. In the event of a product being returned, any free gift must also be returned before a refund is made.Cheque payments require 6 working days to clear before product despatch. Delivery is subject to product availability, clearance of payment and security checks and can be up to 10 days from when Bose receives the order. Price/payment plan/offer subject to change without notice.‘Risk-free’ and ‘no obligation to buy’ refer to home trial only. ©Bose Corporation 2012.Registered office: Bose Ltd., 1 Ambley Green, Gillingham Business Park,Gillingham, Kent ME8 0NJ. Company registered in England No. 1187672