WHO'D WIN THE OLYMPICS? See p56
BRITAIN'S BEST ROADSIDE LANDMARKS FOREVER FEUDAL
Meet the 21st-century lords of the manor
Clean the house for (almost) free Cheat at BBQ
Keep pot plants alive
on page 42
With all the rushing around you both do, it's easy to become ships that pass in the night. So thank goodness for the peace and quiet of your own little island, otherwise known as the sofa. Every one of our sofas is handmade to order and comes with a free 10 year guarantee, as well as an affordable price and comfortable ways to pay. So when you do finally re-introduce yourselves you only need worry about two things: Each other.
"Alexander Armstrong arrived at the shoot with a smile," says photographer Michael Birt. "He's funny, intelligent, talented, and has great skin!"
"Home is, at best, a vital root in our lives," says journalist Angela Neustatter. "But when it changes from being a joyous refuge to a hell of a place, we need a re-evaluation for the 21st century."
"The 2004 tsunami attracted a massive response," says journalist Gilly Smith. "But this story of a woman who stayed on after others left will put your own life in perspective." 34
This archer fish can shoot water up to five feet. Read about nature's other athletes on p56
76 Best of British: Roadside Landmarks If you're heading off on a long drive this summer, look out for these eye-catching monuments
84 Lords of the Manor Think feudal cap-doffing is a thing of the past? Think again...
92 Alan Davies: "I Remember"What's it like to lose your mum to leukaemia without even knowing she had it at all? The star of Jonathan Creek and 01 reflects
98 A Life Less Ordinary: The Tsunami, Sri Lanka and Me How a terrible tragedy led one woman to find a whole new calling
Want an easy way to get to our website? Grab your smartphone and go to the App Store or Android Market, then download the free Digital Space app. Hold your phone about four inches away from the picture of Gill above, allowing the camera to focus, and you'll be taken straight to our site. Reader's Digest the World's Biggest Magazine published in 50 editions in 21 languages
A friend of mine always says that if someone's a gardener then they must be OK. I'm inclined to agree—it's something to do with appreciating the natural world, and understanding the rhythm of life and our place in it. So it doesn't surprise me that our cover star, the always-likeable Alexander Armstrong, has a secret passion for gardening, and that he'd like nothing more than to nurture his own fruit-filled glasshouses. Interviewing him was refreshing because, unlike so many other celebrities, Armstrong isn't known for parading an "artistic temperament" like a badge of honour. (When was moody ever interesting? It's just a pain for those on the receiving end.) His philosophy: "To strive to be happy—and for now I have no reason not to be." Maybe the answer really does lie in the soil after all.
THE UK'S No. 1 HAIRSPRAY . FOR HOLD YOU CAN RELY ON. FOR LIFE'S LITTLE DRAMAS
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Listen in to RD medical expert Dr Max Pemberton's practical, but easy-to-follow hints at readersdigest.co.uk/ magazine
This is your chance to put some medical questions to Max. Write in, or email theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk—put Dr Max in the subject line, and please state if you want to remain anonymous—and then see him in action on our website (readersdigest.co.uk/ magazine) from August 17, when he'll try to answer as many reader questions as he possibly can! CHECK OUT our other
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£30 FOR EACH PUBLISHED LETTER, £15 FOR SHORTER EXTRACTS, £50 FOR THE LETTER OF THE MONTH! SEE P4 FOR MORE DETAILS
rtv:r777,;
After reading "How We Started a Revolution", your inspiring feature about RD's anti-smoking campaign, I had to tell you about how I gave up smoking.
I wanted to quit without waiting until I'd run out of cigarettes, so I crushed my half-full packet. Then I did some exercise. It wasn't until a few hours later that I craved a cigarette, so I looked in my cupboard and took out some rice cakes. These didn't work, so I switched to Twiglets instead, which was a crucial breakthrough. Granted, I held them like cigarettes, but after a week I was down to a small pack of Twiglets a day, and the taste for cigarettes went after another week. I'm sure that the Twiglet taste took the craving away, and seven years later I'm still fag-free.
I'm not saying it was easy—sometimes I had my Twiglet fix but still wanted a cigarette! And, of course, you have to like Twiglets, too. But it just goes to show that smoking is nothing more than a habit. We don't need to do it, and if I can quit, so can others. Trish James, Cheltenham
My father was an avid reader of Reader's Digest (we have some old copies of his from the 1940s). He fought in both world wars, and was evacuated from Dunkirk. He smoked, as everyone did in those days, especially at parties—I recall putting out cigarettes for the guests, and being unable to see across the room because of the smoke.
He knew it was bad for him and, largely as a result of your anti-smoking articles from the 1950s, he eventually gave up, living to the ripe old age of 91. Stephanie Trotter, Surrey
I was interested to read Brian Eads' Maverick article on the differences between Britain and France. My son spends nine months of each year in France, and whenever he comes back to the UK he's frustrated by the poor state of the roads, the traffic infrastructure and the general lack of efficiency. He also claims that the French health service is far easier to access quickly and is less expensive at the point of use.
Of course, the French also
9
pay more tax, but not everything is down to money.
Martin Langhorn, Cheshire
I feel that Brian Eads is presenting a rose-tinted view of France. I've always had the impression that industrialrelations problems make life quite difficult there at times. Or maybe I'm biased because I remember so many journeys between Britain and Europe disrupted by French lorry drivers' blockades and airtraffic-control strikes.
David Bentley, North YorkshireYour feature on Gary Lineker was a good read. Being a Leicester lad, I remember watching Gary in his early playing days. One of his biggest attributes is his
modesty. He tells a story about the first Walkers crisps ads, which were filmed at Leicester railway station. On the day of shooting, a crowd had gathered to watch. While waiting for the cameras to roll, Gary was approached by an old lady, who asked him, "Is somebody famous arriving?"
Malcolm Walker, London
As a teacher, I agreed with almost everything Nikki King said in "If I Ruled the World". We should be teaching kids to be useful contributors to society, and Nikki's suggestion of a curriculum that covers basic accounts, economics and mentoring from the business community was spot on. If only she were education secretary! Eleri Webber, Cheshire
• "...A few years later, the bingo boards, still static, progressed to plastic ones lit up when you paid and with sliding plastic windows for numbers obtained. Progress, eh?..."
• "...Find enclosed my short story 'The Old Dinosaur', a true story of a bike we affectingly call 'the old dinosaur'..."
• "...Please forward this material to the actual cartoonists, rather than submit them for silly judgements or even 'prizes'. We all have a contribution, and I feel it's pointless to give out prizes or 'merits' on the basis one is 'better' or more valid than another..."
• "...I once saved a family of drowning politicians..." [That was the whole email]
• "...Just a little ditty which came to mind as the weekend went on: 'Us Brits do it fine and proper/ The weekend jubilee was a heart-stopper..'"
I'm going to show my parents "Myths from Around the World...Busted!" They always told me things like, "A hot coffee will help sober you up," or, "Placing a wet tea bag on your eyes reduces puffiness and wrinkles," or, "You'll catch a cold if you go to bed with wet hair." Maybe your article will teach them not to be such myth-peddlers!
Michaela Bryn, Liverpool
Like James Brown in "Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part 19", I've also given up sugar—although not quite to the same extent. In general I don't miss it, and I'm feeling much healthier. Also, there are less-bad alternatives such as muscovado
sugar, which is packed with vitamins and minerals. Try it in coffee—it's delicious!
David Tinson, Oxon
My partner and I recently spent a week's holiday in Wales, near Abergavenny. I had a copy of your January edition with me, and one of the items in the "Best of British" was the Big Pit National Coal Museum. The rain had spoiled our hiking plans, so we decided to pay it a visit. It was a fascinating place, free of charge, and the tour was carried out by an ex-miner with amazing anecdotes.
Had it not been for Reader's Digest, we would have driven straight past—so thank you for spicing up a rainy day!
Diane Floyd, CheshireDoes this sound like you? Can you recall an exciting, amusing or terrifying (or maybe all three) experience that affected your Christmas? Maybe a much-loved family tale? If so, we'd love to hear from you. Email theeditor@readersdigest co.uk with your anecdote, and you could appear in our December issue!
Shaun Jacques @shaunjacques
I'm sitting here reading my first ever issue of rdIgest and it's brilliant! I've learned so much. Thank you staff room for throwing that at me!
"Don't Get Ill, Get Smart", our healthadvice feature from December
• It was great to learn how to dodge common health problems. I've taken some of your advice on board, and have noticed real improvements.
Josie Ainsley, Wirral
• Your health article reminded me of Dr Charles Hill, who appeared on the radio when I was a child—his advice on using the toilet in a way to avoid piles and constipation was similar to yours. It's given me a lifelong interest in good medical practices.
Neville Dunn, Flintshire
• You suggested playing the tuba to help stop snoring. No good, I'm afraid —I've played one for 25 years and still snore as badly and as noisily as ever!
John Bassinder, Coventry
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Author and BBC2 Review
Undefeated. This film about a US high-school football team in a rundown part of Memphis won the best documentary Oscar in February. And it was richly deserved.
We follow the fortunes of the Tigers, a group of hugely underprivileged children, whose coach is determined to make them better players—and better men. "Football doesn't build character," he explains. "Football reveals character."
Perhaps that goes to explain why a documentary about a
sport I barely understand is one of the most compelling movies I've seen this year. The coach inspires his gang of also-rans to put aside their grievances and aim for the play-offs. Along the way, there are moments of such gobsmacking sweetness that you'll want to weep and cheer all at once.
Shadow Dancer.
That rarest of beasts—a Brit flick packed with tension, yet there's not a
AR .
gangster in sight. Set in Northern Ireland during the Troubles, it focuses on the far less glamorous world of small-town terrorism. Andrea Riseborough stars as Colette McVeigh, whose brother is shot when they're just children. Her other brothers draw her into their violent underworld, but British intelligence officer Mac (an understated Clive Owen) realises that she would make the perfect double agent. A satisfyingly twisty, classy piece of work —written by ITV political journo Tom Bradby. Marley. Kevin Macdonald's masterful doc about the man and the music. Brilliant. Jo Nesba's Headhunters. A gory thriller from the new king of Scandinavian crime fiction.
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Like R.E.M. albums and John Hughes films, I loved Super Mario games when I was ten, and I still love them now. As always, the plot is a trifle: Italian plumbers encounter trippy mushrooms, fish start flying, snails become deadly, something about a Princess. But the platform-jumping gameplay is, and always has been pure joy. 60166i.9 iij
venimal cat and dog collar, f Find out what Fido gets up to at the end of the garden with this camcorder for pets.
Mir Does your phone stress you out? Download this meditation course and CHILL.
Manors by Plan B Think the soundtrack to "The British Godfather'. Ben Drew's third solo album is also the soundtrack to his first feature film, an excoriating snapshot of sinkestate low life. Drew chose his stage name because music was the fallback position if film didn't work out. Here, the two mesh in an angry, nihilistic but compelling sonic portrait of urban breakdown. It's not pretty, but it is pretty exciting.
Think the new New Order. But funnier. Steadily, quietly, and with a lack of fuss or hype that's heartening and surprising these days, Hot Chip have bloomed over the
last few years ai17 -from a modish stir „mi., dr' bunch of U *1dance-pop el geeks to arguably the best group around. In Our Heads commences where last album One Life Stand left off: cutting-edge, infectious electronica with a heart and a groove and a -strange melancholy. Hot Chip's hyperkinetic thrills come with dark secrets, like the way that "Don't Deny Your Heart" bends weirdly from beatific into a dark, twisted freakout. There's even a slow-jam ballad that would suit Beyonce. Superb.
Denny Think the poster
1970s folk. The face that stares out from the cover of Sandy (one of a tranche of 40th-anniversary reissues of Denny's work) is not traditionally glamorous or striking by the standards of pop's ruthless aesthetic. But Denny's enigmatic persona and unmistakable voice—etherlight, yet somehow worldyhave made her a cult legend, a status affixed forever by her death at the age of 31. Of her fine post-Fairport Convention work, Sandy may be the cream: tender and lyrical and suffused with a very private sadness. •
Sandy by Sandy girl ofBarclays Premier League, opening day, After another harrowing failure at an international tournament —when England's attempt to surf to glory on a wave of negativity foundered on the rocks of penalty-taking incompetence—football returns to the comfort of the Premier League.
Manchester City, who made such a heroic effort to lose the title against all financial odds last year, will be hoping to prove again that, in the words of Paul McCartney, John Maynard Keynes and Jesus, money can't buy you love.
Olympic 100m final, The Games reach their peak with the most intense sporting
ESPNcricinfo cricket blogger, broadcaster and stand-up Andy Zaltzman previews the best of the month's action
event in the world, occupying at least 110% of the universe's sporting attention for approximately 0.00000008% of each four-year period.
Can Usain Bolt defend the title he won in jaw-dislocatingly astonishing fashion in Beijing, and prove once again that he's the fastest man since sliced bread? Or will his fellow Jamaican sprint phenomenon and current world champion Yohan Blake upset the apple cart by running even faster on considerably shorter legs?
August 3-27 Edinburgh Festival Fringe. August 7-11 Great British Beer Festival, Olympia, London. Augwit 141'5 British Firework Championships, Plymouth
Phil Sands, 39, stand-up comedian
.VATL NG: Line of Duty (BBC Two). I find British cop shows like this far grittier than US ones. cL“INb So This is Great Britain? The Holloways. Bouncy Britpop.
"Generator" Is my summer anthem.. C comedycv.co.uk Has details of most stand-ups in Britain Great if you go to a gig and want to find out more about someone. I'm on it, too!
A Clash of Kings by George R R Martin. One of the novels upon which the medieval TV series Game of Thrones is based. Lets you learn much more about the battles and characters. •
Pressed within hours of picking to give a uniquely clean, go/den and fresh-tasting tea. Ahhhh.
11 Browsing in a charity shop, my friend found a lovely dinner service at a bargain price. Seeing it was heavy, her husband parked the car nearer to the shop, then they both waited inside while their purchase was wrapped.
Sadly, back at the car, they found a £35 parking ticket attached to the windscreen. Then, arriving home, my friend tripped and dropped the dinner service, smashing it to bits.
Some bargain that turned out to be!
Doreen Connor, Derbyshire
1 I went to a funeral of a neighbour recently. While there, I spoke to his brother and asked him how old his sibling was when he died.
"Three years younger than me-92," he replied.
He then paused for a moment, before adding, "It's hardly worth me going home, is it?"
Jenny Moyneux, Clwyd1 My son was never a great reader at school. He particularly hated works of fiction, so imagine
r
"Please keep all your belongings with you at all times"
1 ON MY FIRST DAY WORKING AS A MESSENGER BOY, the local florist Frances sent me to the hospital with a large circular floral arrangement. The label only had the recipient's name, Mr John Turner. "Down the corridor, first door on the left," said the receptionist.
Softly whistling, I strode down the corridor, knocked on the door with a cheery "Good morning!" and stepped into a dimly lit room.
I didn't get far before freezing in my tracks—Mr Turner was laid out on a slab, surrounded by flowers and clearly dead. Not knowing quite what to do, and feeling a bit shocked, I placed the flowers carefully inside the door and made a speedy exit.
Back at the shop, Frances listened to my story with a wry smile on her face. "Well, at least you know what a wreath is for now," she observed.
James McCarthy, Hampton Wick, Surrey1 my surprise one parents' evening when his teacher confessed a liking for his book reviews, describing them as "concise and to the point".
Bursting with pride—and delighted that my nagging had paid off—I picked up his folder and read the first entry. It simply stated, "This book is pants."
Jackie White, Oxon
I My boss's husband liked calling into the local court on his breaks to observe the cases. On one occasion, both the victim and the accused were Eastern European.
After a while, he became aware of two women constantly talking a couple of seats in front of him. He leaned forward and told them sternly to keep quiet.
Unfortunately, this resulted in a severe telling off for interfering in court proceedings—the two ladies were interpreters.
Alan Cameron, Perthshire
I
HOME. He was perched on a chair, fixing the air vent above the lounge window, when I came in. Unaware I was standing beneath him, his arm crashed down on the
"You can't be the good, the bad and the ugly, Zeke...You have to learn to delegate"
WIN £70 FOR YOUR TRUE, FUNNY STORIES. EMAIL excerpts@ readers digest.co.uk OR GO TO facebook. com/readers digestuk
I Walking along a quiet road the other day, I saw a sign on the side of a house that read, "Granny and Grandpa's house, where memories are made."
How sweet, I thought, and went all fuzzy inside. Then, as I got nearer, a dog started barking loudly inside, followed by a lady screeching, "Shut up!" at the top of her voice.
What kind of memories are made there, I wondered.
Fiona McGarry, Hampshire
left side of my upturned head. I stumbled into the kitchen for an ice pack. Soon he joined me, this time to replace a light tube. Struggling to remove the cover, it slipped from his grasp and fell, a corner
nicking the right side of my head. Blood flowed freely as I tottered to the sink.
Mopping my head with a towel, my son asked tentatively, "Want anything else done while I'm here?"
Molly Drinnan, Surrey ■
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6 litotes (lie-toe-tease) n
A maths reference B nature writing C understatement
7 deconstruction n
A bad review B subjective form of literary criticism
With the Edinburgh International Book Festival taking place from August 11-27, we devote this month to literary terms. Test your bookish skills by answering A, B or C below.
1 asyndeton (a-sin-dertuhn) n A rude passage
B leaving out conjunctions
C long pause
2 zeugma (zoig-ma) n
A intentional mistake
B foreign quotation C using a single word in two senses
3 alliteration n
A repetition of initial consonants B complex joke C happy ending
ALEXANDER
ARMSTRONG'S favourite word?
Grenouille (French for frog)
4 bathetic adj A moving from high-minded to trivial B badly written C deeply moving
5 onomatopoeia (on-uh-mat-uh-pee-uh) n
A dramatic first line
B word that sounds like its meaning C someone who reads too slowly
A word is born: Hackerazzi has been adapted from the words "hacker" and "paparazzi" to describe people who hack into celebrities' phones, emails and computers. The expression was first recorded in the US this year, but we certainly need it in Britain—we're not exactly strangers to the practice!
RD Rating Useful? 6/10 Likeable? 8/10
C clumsy writing
8 metaphysical adj
A based on abstract reasoning
B interpreting literature through science
C ghostly
9 simile n A flourish at end of sentence B childish writing C comparison of two different things
10 prosopography (pro-sopp-ogg-raff-ee) n
A lecture B description of someone's characteristics
C type of ancient script
11 oxymoron n A bad writer B combination of contradictory words
C unnecessary sentence
12 cliffhanger n
A ending full of suspense
B slow reader C first line
13 concordance n
A list of words used by author B end of a literary argument C missing word
14 octavo n A author's eighth book B page size
C chapter heading
15 denouement n
A plot with two strands
B narrator C final scene
9-11 getting there 12-13 impressive 14-15 word-power wizard!
1 asyndeton—B leaving out conjunctions, such as "and". Greek syndetos (bound together). 2 zeugma—C using a single word in two senses. " She made up her mind—and the bed' is an example of zeugma."
Greek zeugma (joining).
3 alliteration—A repetition of initial consonants. "'Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers' uses alliteration."
Latin littera (letter).
4 bathetic—A being trivial after being high-minded. Greek bathos (depth).
5 onomatopoeia—B word that sounds like its meaning. "'Buzz' is an example of onomatopoeia."
Greek onoma (name).
6 litotes—C understatement through using the negative of an opposite meaning. "My blisters were not unpainful."
Greek litos (simple).
7 deconstruction—B subjective form of criticism. "With deconstruction, you can interpret a book in any way you want."
8 metaphysical—A based on abstract
Soda comes from the Arabic word sada'a (meaning "split"), which was corrupted to form the medieval Latin word sodanum, meaning glasswort, a saltmarsh plant and supposed cure for headaches. Early soda drinks were a compound of sodium using sodanum—after which soda began to be used more generally to mean fizzy water.
reasoning. "Metaphysical poets used complex, original thoughts." Greek ta meta ta phusika ("the things after the Physics", describing Aristotle's work).
9 simile—C comparison of two different things. "He floats like a butterfly, to borrow a simile." Latin simile (like).
10 prosopography—B description of someone's characteristics. "Cleopatra's prosopography was largely concerned with her nose."
Greek prosopon (face).
11 oxymoron—B combination of Play WP online: go to readersdigest. co.uk/wordpower
contradictory words. "A relaxed politician is an oxymoron." Greek oxus (sharp) and moron (foolish).
12 cliffhanger—A ending full of suspense. "Thriller writers like to end chapters with cliffhangers."
13 concordance—A list of words used by author. "The concordance of Shakespeare has some modern-sounding words." Medieval Latin concordantia.
14 octavo—B page size. "An octavo page is made by folding three times to form eight leaves."
Latin octavus (eighth).
15 denouement—C final scene. "A denouement often contains a twist." Latin nodus (knot). ■
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Furred arteries can lead to heart disease, stroke and dementia; and in dialysis, repeated use of intravenous tubes damages the veins Little wonder, then, that artificial blood vessels are an important weapon for surgeons.
The latest innovation is a 3D "printer" that spreads cultured cells into thin layers. These sheets of cells are then cut into long thin strips, which are joined together and woven into tubes. Theoretically, these tubes could be any size— by 2030, it may be possible to re-plumb an entire body.
Express delivery or the 21st century?
Will a person's online identity start to have more social and economic value than their real-world presence? With average bespoke domain names now estimated at around £300, some parents are
Prepare for quadcopters—small, lightweight helicopters, about a metre in diameter, with a horizontal fan on each arm to give them lift. Some may be deployed for surveillance and have been tested as such by police in the US. Architects and surveyors might use them to make 3D surveys of buildings and bridges. Joggers could use them as mobile personal trainers, shouting encouragement from above. And students at a Californian university recently explored their potential for pizza delivery. By 2025, you might be able to order a quattro formaggi to be delivered to the top of a mountain!
reportedly acquiring appealing online identities for their kids, sometimes even before they're born, lest they be "unavailable" when they're older.
Meanwhile, in Arizona, online currencies and virtual assets in games such as
Second Life and FarmVille, or bought with Microsoft Xbox points, are now seen as shared assets in divorce cases. And it's rumoured that, by 2015, Google will have created the domain extension "dot LOL". It's easy to understand why. ■
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Mobile phones are already flash enough, so we don't need yet more change— right? Well, no...not if you want faster broadband speeds at home and on the move, plus better UK-wide coverage
It simply stands for "fourth generation"— the latest wave of mobile-phone technology. Although phone technology is constantly moving forward, the declaration of a new generation—and an extra "G"—comes with a particularly big universal leap in sophistication. 1G phones were introduced in 1981, 2G models in 1992 and 3G in 2001. Plans for 4G phones were announced as early as 2002, but it has taken a decade to bring them to fruition.
4G will bring enhanced broadband speeds, and high-definition and 3D-TV and films to your mobile phone. In technical terms, it will deliver speeds of one gigabit per second from stationary phones, and 100 megabits per second from mobiles used on the move—say, on trains and in cars. That is much, much faster than current 3G technology can provide. At the moment, your 3G phone will probably have a maximum speed of 7.2 megabits per second; 4G phones are nearly 14 times as fast. The greater speed is produced by improved technology, including advanced antennae. Data can be transmitted at higher speeds the more antennae you have on both the transmitting and receiving phones. 4G will also allow for a smoother transition from one mobile phone network to another.
Soon you'll be able to watch 3D-TV and films on your phone
Is it worth replacing your 3G phone with a 4G one?
It depends. If you're perfectly happy with the speed and capabilities of your current phone, there really isn't much point in forking out for a new one, especially if you use it mostly as a phone, and not as a mini-computer. But if you use your phone a lot, particularly for the internet, and want to watch television or other video on it, then it might be worth making the change. Bear in mind, too, that all new technology eventually grows outdated.
£3bn
is the estimated income that 4G mobile services will bring to the UK economy
The telecommunications standards for 4G were introduced in 2011, but some of the technological aspects have been around for much longer—in South Korea for six years, and Scandinavia for three. Many existing products are still referred to as 3.9G because they still don't quite match the full expectations of the new 4G phones. 4G will not arrive here until Ofcom auctions off the two spectrum bands—a 2.6 GHz band and an 800 MHz band—which will be used by the mobile networks to transmit 4G. The Government is claiming that bickering telecommunications companies are delaying the introduction of 4G, but it's hoped that it will be introduced next year. The Government also has to pay £180m for filters for Freeview customers living within 1.2 miles of a 4G transmitter because their digital TV signal could undergo interference.
Is 5G in the pipeline?
Yes, although no timetable has been laid down. It's thought that the next generation of phones will hop between different wireless technologies with minimal delay or interference. 5G isn't expected to be rolled out until 2020. ■
In her role as agony aunt, Denise -tobertson has given support and advice to This Morning viewers since 1988. She is also the author of 19 novels and patron of more than 30 charities. She lives near Sunderland, and has five sons, eight grandchildren, four great-grandchildren and four dogs.
I'd make politicians more accountable. If a politician, whether at parliamentary or local level, hasn't fulfilled the promises he or she made at election time, then they should be booted out. It isn't good enough to get those letters from your MP saying your matter has been forwarded to "the appropriate department". If you're in the job, then you've got to try your very best to look after your constituents.
I'd tell everyone to be more politically aware. We get indoctrinated by political parties telling us what they think we want to hear. Then we vote. And then we tend to go to sleep until the next election. People need to wake up, pay attention to what's happening— and, if you don't like it, then do something about it! Ultimately it's
our responsibility to demand the best from those in positions of power. The system is there, but we need to get it moving to our advantage.
I'd outlaw snobbery. Nothing annoys me more than this silly business about posh boys. I don't think that being born with a silver spoon in his mouth makes David Cameron a good or bad person, any more than Ed Balls' [millionaire businessman] brother being a bloated capitalist affects my opinion of the shadow chancellor. If you can say Cameron was born too rich to be prime minister, then you can just as easily say someone else was born too poor—it's a terrible inverted snobbery. Which chimney the stork drops people down is the least important thing to consider —how well they do their job is another matter.
I'd use the legal system to protect the weak and vulnerable. If I had my life again, I'd be a crusading barrister. Again and again, I hear stories from people who aren't getting the justice they
deserve because they don't have the financial means. I grew up believing we had the best legal system in the world, but now I think there's justice for those who can pay for it. It's not good enough. Legal aid should not be denied to anyone who has a just cause.
I'd bring back common sense. A baby throws a crisp out of the pram and the mother gets a fine. A sleeping dog on the pavement in front of its house is taken off to the pound. That's the kind of thing that drives me wild. It's so stupid! If I were a litter warden I'd say, "Oops, baby's dropped something, let's put it in the bin." If I were the dog warden, I'd knock on the owner's door and suggest she call the dog in. We've allowed a culture to grow up where ticking boxes is more important than common sense and compassion.
I'd sort out social-housing problems. I'd build more of it, and then I'd manage it in such a way that a certain part of the rent paid would be put aside. If someone's circumstances have changed within five years, then their needs should be reassessed and, if possible, the rent that's
The nearest thing on earth to hell is a bad marriage
For more about her work, see deardenise.com
accumulated should be used to put a deposit down for accommodation in the private sector. That way, more social housing would be freed up.
I'd make marriage and moving in together more difficult. A good marriage is the nearest thing to heaven. I've been happily married three times and, although I've been widowed twice, I'm the luckiest woman on God's earth. But the nearest thing to hell is a bad marriage. So I'd encourage people to think a lot harder before making that move. However, I wouldn't want to make divorce more difficult, because, in a civilised society, no one should feel trapped. In the street where I grew up, nobody was divorced—but there was a lot of private unhappiness.
I'd wring the neck of anyone who's cruel to animals. I grew up fearing dogs, but now I'm mad about them. I only take in rescue dogs because making an abused animal happy is a wonderful thing to do. Having their unconditional love and seeing their contented faces— I tell you, there's nothing else like it in life. • As told to Caroline Hutton
It's crunch time. No more putting it off. And for James Brown that can only mean one thing: ankles
Sunday teatime finds me crashed out on the settee after coaching my son's football team through a fivematch tournament. As he comes in with a glass of water for me, I ask him if he'll do one more favour. He flashes me a look of exasperation, to which I reply, "Come on, I've been on my feet all afternoon."
"Are you serious?" he replies.
My claim is indeed ludicrous, but I'm not joking. My feet are killing me in a way he can't yet understand. He's 11. He runs everywhere. One of the great chasms of parent/children relationships has opened. His look says it all: "You've been standing up, but I've been running around. You haven't a clue what that's like."
But I have; I've done it myself for years. In fact, I still run around a five-a-side court for an hour a week. But he hasn't got a clue what it's like to be 46 and carting around the body weight of a fairly large crocodile for all these years. With injuries! Injuries
to my ankles that I've never treated. Until now
Which brings me to this month's Reason to Be Cheerful. I've finally dealt with my ankles. Eradicated a long-running health concern. And it's such a relief that I'm thinking I might make my health my new hobby.
I'm a Lazy Hypochondriac. The only time I'm not worrying about my health is when I'm actually ill, and putting my recovery on the to-do list somewhere between cleaning out the shed and throwing out old phone chargers. Consequently, I've had decades of issues that I've learned to live with.
Your relationship with your health is a bit like your relationship with your other half. You'll tolerate the pain because the good bits are worth sticking around for.
I've sprained my ankles badly three times during my adult life. One was in pre-glasnost Russia in the 1980s, and I didn't fancy trying their health service. So they remained untreated.
The second time was while stupidly jumping over cars, drunk in Paris, and the doctor said my ankles were so jammed up he couldn't deal with them.
The final straw was a football foul
that left me with an ankle the size of a coconut. Although I couldn't actually walk for a few hours, again I didn't bother getting it treated.
Six months of limping and pain later, I met a Welsh bone doctor called Sid who told me "anldes are my hobby", smuggled me into a new hospital, had me X-rayed, and pointed out all the ligament damage. He told me that I needed some sort
of insoles to support my arches. Of course, I'll get on it straight away. That was in 2007, and I'm just getting round to it now
The mad thing is, all this time I've had health care through my work. I put it off because part of me doesn't seem to want to be fully fit. Recently, though, while playing football, my left knee has been hurting, and if I wear trainers or pumps to go out in during the day, my feet start killing me after a short while. And they've started to hurt enough for me to actually do something about it.
I want to be able to play fivea-side for as long as I can, so I went to a physio called Leah, who made me stand on my tiptoes and threw cushions at me, while laughing in her Yorkshire accent and telling me everything was going to be OK. It was one of the best consultations I've had. Since then, I've had some insoles made from a plaster mould, and I've also had the pleasure of an hour with an ankle specialist called Sam, whose office is next to the London Dungeon. He squeezed my anldes until I was laughing with agony. When I asked him why he'd gone on for so long, he replied, "Just to make sure we knew where it was hurting." Then he chuckled to himself and went back behind his desk. If you want a good laugh, go 0-
gg
My feet feel warm and well supported, a bit like the Italian football team. Long may it last and get your feet seen. Everyone's cracking up.
Sam pulled up the X-rays, which showed some bone that's developed and is sticking out in a spike at the front of my ankle, on both feet. "That's called footballer's ankles," he said. "Get these insoles, and if they don't work we'll get in there with a camera and do some keyhole."
And I'm out of there. In ten minutes I have the insoles—I'm walking again and everything feels good. The arches
of my feet feel as if they're getting a massage, and the tops touch the laces of my shoes for the first time in a while. They feel warm and well supported, a bit like the Italian football team. Which is who I'll pretend I'm playing for when I'm lumbering round the gym tonight. Long may it last. ■
James, founder of Loaded magazine, now edits Sabotage Times—an online magazine with the motto: "We can't concentrate, why should you?" You can follow James on Twitter @jamesjamesbrown.
This aquatic tale was one of thousands submitted for last year's 700word-story contest. We'll be featuring a commended story in the magazine every month, and each day at readersdigestco.uk/magazine.
The wreck
Oh! What is that? A shipwreck? I had better take a closer look. I swim down uncharted waters to the discovery of a magnificent shipwreck. The colours of the wreck are beautiful, rusty red and brown. The life form surrounding it is a completely different spectrum of greens. This must have lain on the bed for hundreds of years, undiscovered. What an amazing find for a small goldfish like me! How had I not discovered it before? I thought I had swum to every corner of this rectangular world. I will never forget this.
Oh! What is that? A shipwreck?...
Submitted by Ellie Masters, Essex
Ellie says: "1got my inspiration from my cousin Emma—we'd been talking about growing up, and I remembered that when Emma was younger she'd point to the fish tank and say, "Ish! Ish!" This led me to think about the memory span of a goldfish, and how everything would appear new and exciting if it only lasted for three seconds."
Ellie will receive a cheque for £70
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INSTITUTIONS How many of us trust the following a "great deal" or "quite a lot"?
The continuing fallout from the hacking and other media scandals has had a big impact on our trust of printed news. Newspapers got a 42% rating in 2011 but, this year, the wider category of "the press" manages just 18%—and it may have dragged TV's ratings down with it. But marriage is in surprisingly rude health, scoring 90% with the over-60s and a decent 67% with the under-50s. After almost collapsing, the euro's terrible rating is hardly surprising. Meanwhile, faith in the EU can rarely have been lower.
Should Britain become more integrated within the EU?
Yes 8.5%
No 80.5%
Don't know 10%
In times of political and economic turmoil, knowing who to trust has never been more important. As part of our annual Trusted Brands survey, we polled 2,011 adults to find out who's gained—or lost—our confidence over the year
Professor Brian Cox seems to be Sir David Attenborough's heir apparent in the mostrespected-TV-personality stakes. And his high placing in our list isn't just down to swooning women—he scored exactly the same trust rating with men. Alan Titchmarsh and Phillip Schofield seem to have turned the ladies' heads, though—they're around twice as popular with female respondents as they are with the men. But a winning combination of plain-speaking and cars gives Jeremies Paxman (6.5%) and Clarkson (5.2) high scores with men. Jamie Oliver's healthy-schoolmeals campaign no doubt helps make him third most trusted (7.1%) among respondents with children aged under 18.
It must be the feel-good factor of a royal wedding, but the Windsor clan have risen noticeably in our estimation since last year's poll. In her Jubilee year, the Queen rises above Prince William to gain top spot. Meanwhile, Prince Philip, the subject of a wellreceived 90th-birthday ITV1 documentary last summer, surges from a 65% rating to 81%.
In this Olympic year, it's interesting to find the sequinsporting Torvill and Dean are much more popular with women (23%) than men (9%). The more overtly macho Daley Thompson is a hit with men (14%) and the under-50s (16%). But it's the everpopular Sir Steve Redgrave who tops our poll.
;At (ft et_ ruf a_ Care, Wo /Pte, 14ilyel-- 4) ?ay-
When a new resident moves into a Bupa Care Home, with the help of family and friends we fill out a 'Map of Life'. This is our unique way of getting to know our residents so we can really help them feel at home. So when the carers at Downlands Park discovered that dancing the waltz was Joanna's passion, they made sure this was something she could enjoy as often as possible, within the comfort of the home. To find out how Bupa can help you or to download your free guide, search 'Bupa Care Homes' or call 0800 00 10 10.
Bupa. Helping You Find Healthy
"It
Funny, good-looking, privileged, successful— and popular.
What's Alexander Armstrong's secret?
BY CAROLINE HUTTONPHOTOGRAPHED BY MICHAEL
BIRT
Bsing cast as "a filthy pederast" may not be every actor's ideal role, but Alexander Armstrong's latest incarnation as a dubious priest in new Sky TV gothic comedy Hunderby had him leaping with joy. "It was the most fun I've ever had on a job," he laughs. "Working alongside Julia [Davis, creator of acclaimed
• black comedy Nighty Night] was a dream come true. I actually hate going to auditions when you really want the part. It's like falling desperately in love —you watch every reaction on the other side of the table, and you think, Oh no! They're never going to fancy me! And then, if you don't get the part, you feel so sad. But this time I was lucky."
Set in the 1800s in a small English village, Hunderby is the story of a shipwreck survivor (The Iron Lady's Alexandra Roach) who marries the local pastor (Alex MacQueen from The Inbetweeners) but finds her past coming back to haunt her. Alexander plays the pastor's sibling, Brother Joseph, a recently returned missionary with an unhealthy interest in young boys.
Although "a fairly blunt comic instrument" and "a despicable character", Alexander hopes he'll make it into another series of Hunderby because he thinks Davis has created the "perfect black comedy". The show also scratches the itch he says
he gets when watching period dramas. "You long for them to be sent up because, although they're great fun, they're also a bit silly. For an hour after watching Downton Abbey, Hannah [Alexander's wife] and I would imitate the characters. As she climbed the stairs, I'd say, 'There you go, so it may please you, my lady.' To take period drama and send it up as Hunderby does is glorious."
"Ben and I are very polite to each other, but we often vehemently disagree creatively. We then have to find a way to do so in a civil and constructive way. That's really exhausting. It's why I imagine married couples might employ interior decorators. It's not that they lack the flair to do the work themselves, but the thought of having to discuss everything in minute detail is enough to cause a major rift."
Alexander also thinks that bleak humour has a particular appeal in our present economic climate. "Intelligent black comedy is our natural protection against the sharper edges of life. It allows us to get up close and uncomfortable to work out what we really feel about something. "It's why humour mustn't be legislated. After the Andrew Sachs saga four years ago, the bathers came down hard, with everyone worrying about going too far. Social media means you can get people marching with pitchforks in selfrighteous indignation very quickly, but it can
be dangerous to get so whipped up. Sometimes things can be hilarious because they're so wrong. Black comedy is something we Brits do particularly well, and it's no bad thing to cross the line sometimes."
"I once mistakenly asked a contestant, 'And have you enjoyed your time on Countdown?'
Alexander has rarely been off our screens since the late 1990s. The 42-year-old's career has taken in everything from Pimm's adverts, to hosting the hit BBC One quiz show Pointless, to gentle dramas such as ITV1's Life Begins and this year's Love Life. Armstrong & Miller, his sketch show with longterm comedy partner Ben Miller, meanwhile, has spanned seven series in 15 years.
"On the back of some of my host appearances on Have I Got News for You, I'd been offered a job presenting Countdown. I thought about it quite hard, but it's such a big ship—I wasn't sure I could steer it into something I'd really enjoy."
So does the juggling of his numerous jobs ever get a bit overwhelming? "Not at all!" he says. "Each one is a perfect holiday from the other. We record three shows a day for Pointless and, even though I'm a spectacularly inept game-show host, I love it!"
"Richard [Osman, his co-host] and I
have a fun time mucking about with jokes and banter, whereas sketch comedy, though sometimes wonderfully indulgent, can also be hell! It's really hard work because, just as you've got something going, you have to start all over again for the next sketch. I'm looking forward to turning my attention to something with a longer narrative arc, and Ben and I have recently developed a script for a comedy thriller. Fingers crossed, we'll start filming that next spring. Watch this space!"
With three sons—Rex, Patrick and Edward— under the age of five, Alexander also has his hands full at home. And he's adamant that his family comes before work. "Sometimes a great job might come along but, if it takes me away from them for long stretches of time, I turn it down. I have a strict 'no work at the weekends' rule, and I try hard to be off-duty during holidays.
"We have a house in the country [near Oxford] as well as our home in London, so that makes it easier to switch off. *,
"Humour mustn't be legislated. It's no bad thing to cross the line sometimes"
What I long for more than anything is an amazing garden. Growing up, I spent holidays with my cousins in Ireland and they had beautiful glasshouses. We'd climb under the gate and nick the white peaches growing in there. I want my own glasshouses full of fruits! And a meticulously organised walled garden with masses of vegetables that I tend to. But with so much else to fit in, that's just a dream."
HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU "The moment
[in May 2008] when Paul Merton had had enough of Michael McIntyre
hogging the limelight was a special one, and wisely edited from the show. Michael was on Paul's team, and every time Paul tried some witticism, Michael would take the wind from his sails."
Something that's finding more time in the Armstrong schedule is singing. Alexander was a chorister as a youngster,
and went to Durham Cathedral School and Cambridge University on music scholarships.
"I've always loved singing. In fact, all the comedy is just a front. I really want to sing more. I have lessons once a week, and I'm doing a recital in our country parish church later in the year, as well as a week at the [London] Hippodrome in January in a review show."
Gareth Malone, leader of the Military Wives Choir, recently mourned in the press that it's very hard to get grown men to sing, and Alexander agrees. "But it's a great shame, as it makes you feel so good. And, if you go to a wedding, you catch men really enjoying belting out a song they know. Mind you, the other day I spent a hilarious afternoon trying to learn how to rap for an audition and I was awful!"
It's hard to find anyone who dislikes Alexander, but he puts his broad appeal down not to natural charm or talent, but to his somewhat put-upon position in a large extended family.
"Within the general cavalcade
A zest for love and life: Alexander with wife Hannah
DAVID FISHER/ REX FEATURESof my relations, I'm about three up from the bottom. I've got an older brother and sister, and myriad cousins, so I'm used to being battered down. All my family are funny as hell—I was the slightly simple one on the edge trying to keep up with them, so I'm perfectly happy to make a tit of myself and I don't get sore in the process.
"That's not to say I wasn't once very selfconscious when I had to be myself on telly. When I started being a guest host on Have I Got News for You [20 appearances at the helm so far—more than anyone else] I would rely on the script and, if I was ever asked a question in my own right, I'd
HUNDERBY "I had to wear ridiculous teeth to change the shape of my mouth, but I kept forgetting them. So there are quite a few scenes where I'm scrunching up my face, trying to make my mouth look full of teeth. The main problem we had on the show was trying not to laugh during filming, as it was so brilliantly funny. I'm sure that's a recurring problem on any Julia Davis project. There were quite a few re-retakes."
get all nervous. But I've grown up a bit now, and it's gratifying to be liked for the real me."
Alexander jokes that his unerring
zest and love for life might prove rather tedious for other people. "I once had a girlfriend given to mildly depressive episodes, and I think she found it terribly dull and rather unimaginative that I wasn't. I suppose it's much more interesting to have a bleak hinterland where you go in a gloom. I have my moments, but only when the boys haven't let us sleep for a week. There are times that come with being a performer when surges in adrenalin are followed by a sort of listlessness, but I don't have a dark side. My philosophy in life is to strive to be happy. And, for now, I don't have any reason not to be." ■
>> Hunderby starts on Sky Atlantic this month. The 100 Most Pointless Things in the World by Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman is published in October.
Has sun exposure ever caused a fit of atchoos? It's known as the "photic sneeze reflex", a phenomenon that baffles scientists. It could be that the trigeminal nerve—which senses irritations in the nose—mistakenly picks up signals from its close neighbour, the optic nerve, when it tells the brain to constrict the pupils in bright light. Researchers think it's a genetic quirk, though major studies have yet to be done—it's embarrassing rather than life-threatening.
Who says it's downhill all the way? Keeping younger and fitter for longer is easier than most people think—just follow these easy tips, for starters
There's lots of research showing that one particular diet appears to boost longevity. The traditional Mediterranean diet is rich in exactly the kind of foods that the World Health Organisation recommends for everybody. It includes lots of fruit and vegetables, legumes, nuts and whole grains. It also has minimal meat, but plenty of fish, moderate amounts of red wine and poultry, and olive oil, which is rich in healthy monounsaturated fats. In research conducted at the University of Cambridge, using data from a large US study, the diets of nearly 400,000 retired people
There's more in our new book As Young As You Feel, out this month at £27.99. See readersdigest. co.uk/asyoung
oa were scored on how closely they corresponded to a Mediterranean diet. Ten years later, those who had the highest scores were 20 per cent less likely to have died than those with the lowest scores.
Or take the Okinawa islands in Japan, famed for having the highest percentage of centenarians in the world. Scientists
Okinawans practice hara hachi bu—eating until you are 80 per cent full. It's enough to stop you feeling hungry, but avoids over-eating. A bacon butty is a thing of pleasure. But Swedish researchers have found that two rashers of bacon a day can up your risk of pancreatic cancer by 19 per cent. If you can't give up the occasional
believe their diet is crucial in maintaining health in later life. It is vegetable-based, high in water and fibre, low in calories but nutrient-rich in vitamins and minerals. Staples include sweet potatoes, rather than rice as in the rest of Japan, along with seaweed, health-promoting spices such as fennel, and green tea. bacon sandwich, try having a grapefruit or an orange at the same time—the vitamin C helps block nitrosamines, the carcinogens produced by the body after eating processed meats.
Deep breathing can aid weight loss. It triggers the relaxation response in the body, helping to stop the release of cortisol, and this encourages your body to burn fat. By way of a bonus, deep breathing strengthens the abdominal muscles, too. Or try kissing—it's an unusual way of boosting your oxygen intake, but your lungs work harder afterwards. It also lowers your blood pressure and cholesterol!
Obesity-related diabetes may be reversible in its early stages. How? By the shock of an extremely-lowcalorie diet to remove excess fat in the insulin-producing cells in the pancreas. Scientists at Newcastle University put 11 people with Type 2 diabetes and an average age of 50 on 600 calories a day for eight weeks. Their blood sugar values became normal, as did their measures of pancreatic function. (However, this diet shouldn't be followed without medical supervision.)
Coffee, especially if it's unfiltered (as with Greek and Turkish coffee, which is boiled in the pot) raises cholesterol levels, but most studies have shown no associated increased risk of cardiovascular disease. And now it seems that coffee may actually protect against Type 2 diabetes, Parkinson's and liver disease, according to scientists in Oregon.
Tea also has benefits. In 2011, UK researchers who reviewed published studies concluded that three or four cups a day reduces heart-attack risk. Green tea is well known for its health-boosting properties and even black tea contains some antioxidants. Herbal teas contain a range of phytochemicals with protective effects. There's little evidence that the caffeine content of tea, coffee and cocoa is harmful, either. In fact, research suggests that caffeine itself is an antioxidant and may protect against heart disease and Alzheimer's. A French medical study found that women aged 65 and over who drank more than three cups of coffee daily (or the equivalent as tea) showed less memory decline over four years than women who drank one cup or less. The benefits were not seen in men, but increased with age in women: 65-year-old females were 30 per cent less likely to have a decline in memory if they drank coffee; by the age of 80, that level of protection increased to a staggering 70 per cent.
...that you need eight glasses of water a day. There's no evidence to back up this widely held belief, according to kidney specialists Dan Negoanu and Stanley Goldfarb of the University of Pennsylvania. While it's important to stay hydrated, fluid in foods contributes, too— especially water-rich fruit and vegetables. What's more, the notion that only pure water counts has been debunked—in a British study of healthy volunteers, black tea was found to be just as hydrating as water.
People who garden are more likely to remain fit. If you have a garden to tend, you're probably active for the recommended 150 minutes a week. Australian researchers found that daily gardening reduced the risk of dementia by 36 per cent in a sample group of over-60s. Gardening is a perfect antidote to stress, while the sense of achievement you get is good for your selfesteem.
You have forces at your disposal to resist the armies of germs that invade your body and can cause infection: white blood cells, or lymphocytes. The two main types are T cells and B cells, and are made in the bone marrow; B cells mature there, while T cells are deployed to the thymus gland (located above the heart), where they mature fully and move to the spleen and lymph nodes, ready to battle against illness. Before T cells can get to work, though, they need to learn how to detect
specific foreign invaders; this "education" process occurs in the thymus.
As your body ages, your thymus shrinks—by the time you reach 60 only a few wispy remnants remain—and your body has far fewer T cells. It's not fully understood why. You might find it takes longer to throw off an illness than it would have before, or that your wounds heal more slowly. So it's important to boost your resistance to illness wherever possible!
• Most people know that to stay healthy they need to avoid smoking, follow a balanced diet full of fruit and veg, keep active and sleep well. But sleeping has now been proven to be crucial in sustaining the immune system as you grow older. A Brazilian study showed that sleep deprivation causes the body to produce fewer antibodies to fight infection.
Many people eat special yogurts to boost the gut's "friendly bacteria", but a 2010 study at the University of Turku in Finland demonstrated that aged cheeses—for example, vintage Gouda—are an
excellent source of probiotics because during the ripening process, bacteria spontaneously grow. So opting for the cheese board could be an innovative way to boost your immunity! op Listening to your favourite music can help your immune system. A study at
Wilkes University in Pennsylvania found that when the music stopped after 30 minutes of listening, levels of IgA—a protein from the immune
A Cambridge University study found that people who eat one square of dark chocolate a day are less likely to suffer heart disease and strokes. It may be the antioxidant flavonoids in cocoa beans that make chocolate heart-friendly. Or people may simply find eating it relaxing, and anything that relaxes the heart is good for it.
Some doctors still see men as the main target for heart-related advice and checks. But researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore have found that it's just as important for older women to control their blood pressure. Women are much more likely to die from coronary artery disease than breast cancer. Diabetes and high cholesterol are both greater risk factors for women over 65 than men of the same age.
By the time you reach 75, the 200-plus colds you'll have had will have made you sneeze for the equivalent of two years. The good news is that by this age you can enjoy a break from the rhinovirus because you'll have already acquired immunity to most cold bugs.
system that helps fight infections—increased, remaining elevated, while stress levels were reduced proportionately.
An antiseptic mouthwash could save your life. How? There's increasing evidence that periodontal disease doesn't just affect your gums but causes bodywide inflammation that increases your risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes and Alzheimer's. The antiseptics in some mouthwashes (such as chlorhexidine in Corsodyl
or methyl salicylate in Listerine) combat the bacteria in periodontal disease. A Taiwanese study found that people who regularly visited a dental hygienist (or had their teeth cleaned by a dentist) cut their risk of a heart attack by 24 per cent and stroke by 13 per cent.
A study at Pennsylvania State University showed that five different types of edible mushroom stimulate the
immune system: white button, crimini, maitake, oyster and shiitake.
Even a mild deficiency in zinc—which is common as you get older—can impare your immune function and make you more open to infections. Shellfish, pumpkin seeds, pine nuts and wholemeal bread are all rich in zinc.
Olive oil is not only good for the heart. A 2011 study at Alagappa University, India, clearly illustrated that olive oil—an excellent source of vitamin E and monounsaturated fats—is good for the immune system, guarding against oxidative stress (which produces free radicals), and DNA damage.
Between the ages of 20 and 90, your brain loses between five and ten per cent of its volume. Most of this shrinkage takes place in the hippocampus, a key area for memory. There's also a diminishing in the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the
Playing video games can help enhance your memory and speed up your reactions. In a study at the University of Illinois, a group of over-60s who played a computer game called Rise of Nations for eight weeks scored higher in tests of "executive function"— the ability to plan, reason and problem solve—than those who stayed on the side.
brain responsible for helping you recall information, organise your thoughts and multitask. In practice, this means you may find it takes you longer to complete mental tasks than when you were younger. But the older brain can still learn. Making mistakes is part of it—children learn by doing something over and over until they get it right. It used to be thought that such trial-and-error taxed older brains, that passive learning—where the correct answer is repeatedly presented—was better. But a 2011 Canadian study that compared learning ability in a group of 20-somethings with a group with an average age of 70 may refute this. It found that the older group learned better when allowed to experiment and make mistakes. So if at first you don't succeed, keep trying!
...that just doing crosswords can reduce your risk of dementia. True, if you've been a crossword addict all your life, you might have a lower statistical risk of developing dementia. But that may be because people with a high baseline intelligence seem to be less at risk—precisely the kind of people who tend to do crosswords. The daily puzzle may stimulate your mind, but this won't necessarily protect you against cognitive decline. To keep your brain fit, it's important to keep stimulating it by learning to do new things, which means tackling all sorts of mental challenges.
Go for the carrot! When trying to learn something new, one of the best ways to ensure that information sticks is by rewarding yourself, according to a University of California study. Researchers who studied both younger (aged 18 to 33) and older (aged 66 to 92) adults found that both groups were much more likely to remember when promised financial rewards. Try promising yourself a present in return for learning something new. MOM Take up t'ai chi. A 2011 study at the University of California looked at a group of people aged over 60 who were suffering from depression. It found that a weekly t'ai chi class combined with a standard antidepressant helped combat the blues. T'ai chi also improved quality of life, memory and other aspects of mental health.
Make a curry. Studies show that a chemical in turmeric—found in curry powder—might help to protect you against some of the damage to the brain that is , associated with Alzheimer's. Homecooked curries are better for you than takeaways, which are often high in saturated and trans fats.
Think nuts. Not only are nuts high in "good fats", the antioxidants they contain could also help protect you against memory problems. Studies, such as one carried out in India in 2010 on animals with
chemically induced amnesia, show almonds to be a healthy choice for boosting memory, but other types such as walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts, pistachios, Brazil nuts and macademias are all good for you, too.
A boiled egg at breakfast can help protect your brain against the signs of ageing. A study carried out at Boston University of 1,400 adults discovered that those who had a good intake of the amino acid choline, found in eggs, performed better in memory tests and were less likely to show brain changes associated with dementia than those with a lower intake.
It seems that our brain cells require choline to synthesise the brain messenger acetylcholine, which decreases in the brains of those with Alzheimer's. ■
The human foot-speed record is 27.79mph, but the animal kingdom's gold medallist is more than twice as fast. Over distances of up to 1,640ft, the cheetah's top speed is widely considered to be 60-63mph on level ground
WORDS AND PHOTOGRAPHS FROM THE NATURE PICTURE LIBRARY
At the Olympics, the fastest, highest and strongest compete for medals and international acclaim. But they're lucky they don't have to compete with the champions of the animal kingdom, who perform incredible physical feats every day to escape danger, catch prey and ensure their survival in the greatest game of all—the competition for life. But what if the animal kingdom held its own Games? Which of nature's top athletes would take home a medal?
The PRONGHORN ANTELOPE has been observed to run at speeds of 35mph for four miles, at 42mph for one mile and 55mph for half a mile. It would beat a cheetah at a longdistance event
Competing for the bronze would be the LION, THOMSON'S GAZELLE, SPRINGBOK and WILDEBEEST, whose top speeds have been claimed at 50mph, though this has not been verified x,
The current worldrecord holder is the SOUTH AFRICAN SHARP-NOSED FROG.
Its longest single recorded leap is 17ft 6in, nearly 100 times the body length of an average male.
Imagine a human who can jump the length of two jumbo jets!
The world record for a human long jump is currently 29ft 43.8in
•
SILVER JUMPING SPIDERS are aptly named as they're capable of leaping more than 50 times their own body length to land on unsuspecting prey
GRASSHOPPERS can jump 20 times their own body length. A man up to a grasshopper's standards could clear the length of a 120-foot yacht in a single bound BRONZE
The Olympic marathon, a paltry 26 miles, doesn't come close to the marathons some animals endure. It's been calculated that the common swift, breeding in Eurasia and wintering in Africa, completes a non-stop flight of 300,000 miles between first leaving its breeding colony as a young bird and landing at a potential nesting site at least two years later!
migrate between the North and South Poles every year—a distance (if they were to travel in a straight line) of 9,300 miles one way. But the longest recorded distance travelled by an Arctic tern is a massive 14,000 miles t* ,
The longest recorded non-stop flight was made in March 2007, by a AR-TAILED GODV . In nine days, it flew 7,145 miles from its breeding ground in Alaska to New Zealand without stopping for food or drink. By the end of the epic journey, it had lost more than 50 per cent of its body weight
The , with its torpedo-shaped body providing perfect streamlining, is built for speed and has been recorded at 68mph. The record human swimming speed is 5.342mph
have been recorded at a speed of 44mph, though higher speeds of up to 65mph have been claimed
The is believed to have a top speed of 55mph, but this hasn't been verified, so the bluefin tuna still takes the silver
DUNG E In proportion to its size, the strongest animal in the world is a species of dung beetle able to pull a whopping 1,141 times its own body weight, which is the equivalent to a 150-pound person lifting six full double-decker buses. (Olympic humans in the lower-weight classes can lift only as much as three times their body weight)
PHOTOGRAPHERS: ANDY ROUSE; VISUALS UNLIMITED; BRANDON COLE, WILD WONDERS OF EUROPE/ZANKL; MARKUS VARESVUO (2); ANDREW PARKINSON; STEPHEN', DALTON (3)i ROLF NUSSBAUMER; BENCE Miti#E, NATURE PRODUCTION; MICHAEL DURHAM
SILVER Tests carried out on a found it could lift 850 times its own weight
These military men were injured while serving their country. Now they're competing for it in this month's
Paralympics
28 ENGINEER REGIMENT
EVENT: MIXED ADAPTIVE
DOUBLE-SCULL ROWING
■
At 9pm on October 5, 2009, Nick Beighton and his army unit had just finished building a security checkpoint in Helmand Province. The 28-year-old, five weeks into his first Afghanistan tour, was clearing away his equipment and preparing to move to the next job when, just 40 yards from the entrance to his army base, he stepped on an improvised explosive device. Both his legs were blown off.
The young man from Shrewsbury was bleeding profusely. A colleague, Private Misaele Vakadranu, applied tourniquets to his injuries and gave him morphine to keep him calm, before a helicopter eventually lifted him to hospital.
"It was terrifying, but the medic kept me talking and it never entered my head that I was going to die," Nick recalls. "I was going to get through it—it was as simple as that."
In fact, it took doctors 36 pints of blood to keep him alive, and they had to put him into a medically induced
BY ALISON KERVIN1 1 coma for almost two weeks while they stabilised his condition.
Nick was then flown back to Selly Oak Hospital, Birmingham, before being transferred to Headley Court in Surrey —the armed-forces medical rehabilitation centre—for physiotherapy and to learn to live with artificial legs.
"It was a difficult time—not just physically, but also in terms of working out what would come next. You kind of lose track of who you are, almost," Nick recalls.
Almost, but not quite. Rather than feel sorry for himself, Nick decided to find a new challenge to take his mind off his injuries. In January 2010, his physiotherapist encouraged him to attend a Paralympic talent-identification day at Brunel University, London. Nick had only had an external metal support removed from his pelvis two days earlier but, at oft 7in and well built, the injured captain was the ideal size for rowing. So he went along to Brunel to give the sport a try.
He was a natural—getting really good at rowing would be the challenge he was looking for.
"It was a slow process at first," he says. "I was just having a one-hour lesson once a week at Guildford Rowing Club to introduce me to sculling, with a few practice sessions on my own. Then I had to have an operation on my bowel —all to do with my injury in Afghanistan. But, when I came back from that, I was soon training every day as well as doing weights."
Coaches soon spotted Nick's dedication and potential. In autumn 2010, he was paired with 23-year-old Samantha Scowen. She'd finished fifth in the 2009 World Rowing Championships doublescull "trunk-and-arms" event, but a rule change had meant that her partner James Roberts no longer qualified for the event, so Nick would be his replacement. The pair clicked, and although Nick's future army role was—and is—uncertain, he was still a serving officer and was given paid leave to train full time, aiming for I
Nick Beighton with rowing partner Samantha Scowen, the first British crew to qualify for the 2012 Games NTERSPORT IMAGES/ GB ROWING TEAM"YOU HAVE TO
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TOLD TO DO"
the Paralympics. In May last year, he and Samantha won bronze at a Rowing World Cup event in Munich and, in August, became the first Great Britain crew to qualify for the 2012 Games by finishing sixth in their class at the World Championships in Bled, Slovenia.
"It's been an incredible time," says Nick, who's now confident enough on his prosthetic legs also to enjoy skiing and snowboarding, too. "Something very good has come out of something quite terrible. People ask if I always knew that I was destined for something like this, but the answer's no. Early on, when you're in hospital, your main focus is just getting your life back, getting out of the hospital bed, and regaining your independence and health. That took a lot of time and energy. The rest of it was just about finding a sport I loved and working hard, the same as everyone else who succeeds in sport at the highest level.
"I've been extremely proud to serve my country in the army, and I'll be so proud to represent my country at the Olympic Games."
JON-ALLAN
FORMER RAF SENIOR AIRCRAFTMAN TECHNICIAN EVENTS: C5 1KM TIME TRIAL AND 4KM PURSUIT CYCLING
As Jon-Allan Butterworth lay in Selly Oak Hospital in August 2007, lost in his own little world, a military doctor came up to him and said, "Your job description's changed, but the Queen is paying your wages so you have to work. Your aim is to get better, focus on rehab. No slacking. That's your job now."
A few days earlier, the RAF engineer had lost his left arm below the elbow in a rocket attack on Basra Air Station, Iraq. The doctor's harsh words were just what he needed to hear to stop him slipping into a malaise.
"They gave me a purpose," says jonAllan, 26, from Manchester. "I think it's the military's attitude and positivity that gets wounded soldiers back on their feet so quickly. You have to get fit because that's what you're told to do. If you met someone with a similar injury going it.
through the NHS route, their recovery would take a lot longer because there's no pressure. And we servicemen emerge stronger at the end."
Around three weeks later, Jon-Allan's new prosthetic limb was delivered and— in keeping with the military's brusque approach—he was told to put it on straightaway, even though his arm was still swollen.
"It was so painful at first, but it worked. I got used to the artificial arm before I could get used to not having an [ordinary] arm. I now feel completely naked without it."
Like Nick Beighton, he also wanted a challenge, and attended a talentidentification scheme at Loughborough University in October 2007. He seemed to have a strong aptitude for cycling, but didn't follow it up initially, focusing instead on an RAF back-towork programme. Then, in May 2008, he took part in a Help for Heroes 350-mile sponsored bike ride through northern France and, inspired by the success of Britain's Olympic cyclists in Beijing, he attended a British Paracycling Programme trial in January 2009. He made the grade and, shortly after, left the RAF to dedicate himself to becoming a fulltime elite Paralympian.
lost part of his leg after standing on a mine in Afghanistan in August 2008.
"BE ING FIRE D UP AN DIN BAS RA IS EAS IER TH AN WAI TING TO S TART A RA CE"
"When we got them on board the programme, they were miles from where they needed to be," says Paralympic head coach Chris Furber. "But their military backgrounds mean they are very disciplined and they have moved on rapidly." Both men spent hours on their bikes every day to reach the pace of other athletes who'd been training for many more years. Jon-Allan's numerous national and international titles over the last couple of years include a gold medal in the C5 lkm time trial at this year's World Track Championships in Los Angeles. Terry, meanwhile, claimed silver in the C4 lkm time-trial event at last year's World Paracycling Championships.
"It was hard work, but I don't see myself as a pioneer or as an inspiration," says Jon-Allan. "I got blown up, I got on a bike and I got fit.
"But life as a sportsman is very different from a military man. Being fired up and in Basra is easier than waiting to start a race. Cycling is very much about yourself, which is hard to adjust to when you're used to having the guys around.
Around the same time, Terry Byrne, another serviceman, joined Jon-Allan on the cycling team. The 28-year-old 2nd Battalion Parachute Regiment colonel
"Sometimes it's extremely difficult and you're exhausted, but you always remember why you're doing it and how much you get out of it. It's given me direction in life, and I'll always be grateful for that."
JOHN ROBERTSON
Back in 1994, John, 40, from Sunderland was a weapons technician, working on Harrier Jump Jets—until a motorbike accident left him paralysed from the chest down. He spent time in Hexham Spinal Unit in Northumberland and Headley Court, before being declared unfit for duty.
Fortunately, though, John was supported by the RAF Benevolent Fund, and encouraged to try different sports.
"I'd sailed a Mirror [a dinghy] when I was a boy, so I thought it was a good idea to try it again. I was worried that it would all feel very different now, and that I'd struggle. But the great thing with sailing is that, once you're in the boat, you don't feel as if you have a disability in the way you do on land. It was so rewarding."
For the last 11 years, he's been competing in sailing competitions in a threeperson keelboat, with crew members Hannah Stodel and Steven Thomas. Their boat is designed to have more stability than a normal dinghy, and has an
open cockpit to give them more space.
Getting to the 2012 Games has been hard, says Robertson. "Lots of training. We're out on the water most days. People think that Paralympians train less than Olympians, but that's just not true. We're completely devoted to the sport."
The build-up to the Games almost ended in disaster. "We'd just finished a race in America and the boat was being winched out of the water. I tried to get out but misjudged the distance to the dock, and was left clinging by my fingertips before someone dragged me up."
John feels he has a point to prove this month. His team came sixth at the 2004 Athens Paralympics ("a horrible disappointment"), won the World Championship in 2005 and 2006, then came sixth again in Beijing.
"My biggest regrets are the fact that we went to two Olympics and missed out on medals. But in sailing, where you have to take into account the sea, the weather, your boat and the opposition, things can go wrong. I've got the chance to put things right this time." •
The London 2012 Paralympics are on until September 9.
The Citadel of Erbil, the historical heart of the capital of Iraqi Kurdistan, lays claim to being the longest continually inhabited town on earth, dating back to at least 6000Bc. This title means a lot to the regional government—when reconstruction work to the ancient structures began recently, all 3,000 inhabitants were moved out, bar one family, left alone in the ruins to keep the record going.
"WE NEED TO STOP OBSESSING ABOUT HOUSE PRICES"
The property boom turned us into a nation of speculators, says Angela Neustatter, but bricks and mortar are worth more than just cash
In the run-up to the Olympics, it was reported that landlords were evicting reliable, established tenants from their homes in order to make serious money from short lets to tourists. "Heartless" was the politest word that sprang to my mind, but I wasn't surprised.
It was, after all, just another example of how the bricks and mortar we own have become the easiest way for most of us to make big bucks—something writ large in the frenetic trading of property over the past three decades. As Andrew Oswald, professor of economics at Warwick University, puts it, people have been "treating homes as a giant piggy bank, becoming mini-speculators".
But we lose the heart of a property when its primary purpose is as a capital asset. If we've always got half a mind on how much a home is worth and whether now would be a good time to sell up and move on, how can it fulfil its traditional role as a place of tranquillity and security?
My friend Louisa and her husband moved eight times in 20 years, doing up their homes in order to sell for the best price. It meant that they were forever mired ►
in DIY and the company of builders, the children were uprooted as soon as they'd settled, and neighbours who might have become valued friends were quickly waved goodbye. The couple may have made money, but Louisa told me later how each time they went through the selling-and-buying process she swallowed bucketloads of Valium.
This is an extreme example, of course, but many people will have experienced something similar, perhaps moving two or three times within ten years, trying to work their way up the property ladder.
Indeed, you don't even have to sell up in order for your sense of a house's permanence to be undermined. Britons are continually looking at property websites, TV programmes and magazines to dream about bigger, better houses they could afford in other parts of the country—"property porn" indeed.
it was silly things like a drawing one of the boys had made behind the bath, or the way the light fell into our bedroom. I learned to blot out what `bereft' felt like." Similarly, selling our first marital home, where our kids had grown up— though necessary to combat our debts— reduced my husband and me to a state of melancholy.
If you're always on the verge of upping sticks, who'll bother to get to know you or ask you to join in with local activities?
Indeed, frequently moving—or just talking about it—can be particularly hard on youngsters. Children are changing all the time, so they want constants in their lives. A study by the Medical Research Council and others, published this spring in the Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health, found that if kids moved house just once before the age of 18, they were likely to score worse in a psychological-distress survey than those who'd stayed put.
The irony is that many of us know instinctively that a life-weathered home, where we can relax and be ourselves, is vital. It's a sanctuary from the challenges, demands and chaos of the outside world; the place where our history should become embedded.
Louisa said of her frequent moving: "I had to harden my heart over the things I really cared about in a home, and often
Continually looking to make money from your house also means maintaining it in a way that will appeal to a wide range of buyers. But decorating your home should be a rewarding reflection of who we are and want to be, not a way to add a few thousand to the asking price. How far can we be ourselves in a place that's designed to meet the mores of the day, rather than our own unique taste? My friend Ruth's council house, for instance, is a dazzle of odd items gathered for
little cost, but each has a meaningful story attached to it.
We also need to feel linked in to a community for our psychological and even physical well-being. The inhabitants of Roseto in Pennsylvania, who were all Italian immigrants or their descendants, had a strikingly lower rate of heart attack than people in neighbouring villages—when studied in the 1960s—even though they smoked, drank lots and worked in toxic slate quarries. The reason, researchers concluded, was that their very closeknit community protected their health. When the Rosetans began to earn more and moved to better areas, they became competitive with their neighbours and had less time for friendship. Within a generation, their heart-attack rate was as bad as other residents'.
ould be cash comfort
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An indication that British community spirit is now in short supply came recently when four national charities launched the Campaign to End Loneliness, primarily among the over-65s. And a survey last year found that seven out of ten Britons don't even know their
neighbours' names. But if you're always on the verge of upping sticks, who'll bother to get to know you or ask you to join in with local activities—and why would you make much effort?
Property speculation has a financial downside, too—as indicated by the record number of repossessions following the 2008 price slump. This, in turn, is an emotional concern. St Andrews University economists found that an extra 50,000 Scottish couples were at risk of splitting up in 2009 because of the crash. "Those losing homes can feel like failures, that they have let down their families," says psychiatrist Dr Keith Ablow.
Just as we're having to rethink a variety of values in these turbulent times, we'd do well to recognise the value of a home as an anchor for our lives and something that binds us to others. Yes, we should invest in our properties—but with time, commitment and love. They will return the compliment. ■
a Angela Neustatter's A Home for the Heart (£10.99) is published this month.
I love the effort my local church, St John's in Fulham, has made to hide the hideous scaffolding while building works are taking place. But while I think more places should use life-size photographs, I feel the designers have been a little optimistic with the background sky.
Submitted by Katie Ryde, London
Stuck in a motorway crawl? Prepare to have your spirits lifted by a spot of sit-down sightseeing. Look out for some of these roadside structures looming soon on a horizon near you
a Little did Antony Gormley realise, but the Angel of the North challenged councils all over the UK to up their game— since then, the race has been on to build "the new Angel of the North". So step forward the
Willow Man (aka "the Angel of the South"), a striking 40-foot muscular figure made from black willow and steel.
For motorists who aren't on the lookout, his pumped-up physique is pretty startling, ■
rising up, as he does, out of the Somerset Levels. Since 2000 (when he was built by local sculptor Serena de la Hey) he's had his fair share of ups and downs: burned to the ground by arsonists in 2001, rebuilt, and then having to endure an infestation of nesting buzzards in his
head, leading to an extensive makeover. Only ever designed as a temporary work of art, he's hanging on and has found a place in locals' hearts—he's known by lorry drivers as "Alan Whicker".
See it from the M5 near Bridgwater in Somerset
Pontcysyllte is the longest—and highest—aqueduct in Britain
For those going to Holyhead this summer, especially fans of industrial architecture (or even those who aren't), be sure to liven up the journey by sauntering past the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct.
It's sometimes dubbed one of the "masterpieces of the Industrial Revolution", and, for once, this isn't overstating the case. Could there be a more dramatic
sight? It's a cast-and-wrought-iron structure, 1,000-feet long, which somehow enables the Llangollen Canal to span the River Dee valley. If the timing is right, drivers can spot a horse-drawn boat on the water above their cars, which looks amazing but feels so wrong. It's a true star, and must surely be the only aqueduct with its own Twitter account (@Pontcysyllte, if you're interested).
See it from the AS westbound, south of Wrexham, Wales
Distinctive and belching smoke, these towers loom large over the stream of cars on the Ml. But from a distance (OK, a very great distance), and with a thundery sky behind, the towers of the massive coal-fired power station Ratcliffe-on-Soar, Nottinghamshire, have a certain majesty, even reminiscent of William Blake's "dark, Satanic mills".
Built in the 1960s, Ratcliffe has many claims to fame, none of them very edifying—it was splashed all over the news last year when environmental activists planning to demonstrate at the plant were infiltrated by undercover police. Worse, it's one of the highest CO2 emitters in Europe—some eight to ten million tons annually, and it feels like most of that floats over the motorway. See it next to Junction 24 of the Ml, just outside Nottingham
Even those who know nothing about art can recognise this one. Yes, the Angel is the UK's most iconic piece of modern sculpture, seen by some 33 million people a year who whizz past on the Al.
Conceived as a symbol of Tyneside and inspired by the miners who worked below the spot where it stands (the location is the old colliery baths), its arms are slightly folded in to give "a sense of embrace". Gormley specified in his original contact with
Gateshead Council that his artwork cannot be commercialised, so plans to light it green for Saint Patrick's Day were roundly squashed (though it has been draped with an Alan Shearer shirt by guerrilla Newcastle fans). The true test is that the motorway would now look forlorn without it, and for millions of Geordies those immense, slightly crooked wings say one thing: home.
See it on the Al at Gateshead outside Tyneside. To view close up, take the A167 exit (there's a very small car park) ►
Voted top roadside attraction by poll after poll—and who could argue with that? —Stonehenge has obsessed generations of visitors who ponder why it exists: is it a holy site, a scientific observatory, or (the latest theory) a prehistoric Lourdes, where Stone Age man came to be healed? Who knows? Some 4,600 years later, what we
Location, location, location —that really is the point about castles. Stirling Castle takes the biscuit for the most formidable spot, perched high up on a rocky crag with steep drops on three sides. It dominates the surrounding countryside, which was basically the idea.
Stirling Castle was at the cutting edge of 16thcentury architecture, and it drips heritage. As you cruise past, just think of all the famous names who have drunk in the very same vista—you're in the company of Mary, Queen of Scots, Robert the Bruce, Bonnie Prince Charlie and William Wallace, no less (in fact, the Wallace Monument is just down the road). A chilling sight, and at its magnificent best in moody weather. See it from near Junction 10 of the M9
don't understand about the site still outweighs what we do. But there's not much near a roadside hard shoulder that can rival the sight of these 84 stones, especially from the westbound approach over Salisbury Plain, from where it seems to rise eerily in the distance.
From the A303 it can be seen in splendid isolation, and the traffic often limps in this spot (which, for once, is a
Stirling Castle was built to inspire awe and fright in equal parts
bonus). A spanking new visitors' centre, some distance away, is due to open in 2013 to give the site "more dignity"—though we'd argue it has plenty already. Time your drive past for dawn or dusk to see it at its most enigmatic. See it from the A303, just north of Salisbury, Wiltshire
Samson and Goliath symbolised the strength of Belfast's Harland and Wolff, one of the largest shipbuilders in the world in the 1970s
Most cities have their giant monuments—the buildings that drivers strain to glimpse as they near home. In Belfast, it's two giant yellow cranes. Yes, yes, we know, but Samson and Goliath (as they've been named) are 300foot-high gantry cranes erected in 1969 and 1974, remnants from the once-thriving Harland and Wolff shipyard that was the heart of industrial Belfast. Now they stand in part of what's known as the "Titanic Quarter"—a fancy name for the area where the doomed ship was built. Protected as historic monuments, they give the city a distinctive skyline. See them on the M2 into Belfast
The M6 is our longest and busiest stretch of motorway. There are some scenic parts (the Pennines) and the UK's only five-star service station (Tebay in the Lune Gorge), but what else to relieve the tedium?
Try Fort Dunlop, at one time the world's largest factory. Grade-A listed, the building lay derelict for some 20 years, but has recently been redeveloped and given a spanking new "living" green roof. Despite the makeover, it's a fine early 20th-century industrial building with superb art-deco signage, especially at night. See it from Junction 5 of the M6
The iconic bridge (and we have a few here in the UK) is rightly spoken of in the same breath as the Golden Gate. It's the sheer elegance of the design that impresses, even after almost 150 years. Motorists can drive over (it spans the Avon Gorge), and some 11,000 cars a day do, though it was intended for horses. But it's best viewed from the A4, which snakes below—that way, drivers avoid stomach flips from feeling somehow suspended in pure air.
Designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel, completed after his death and considered his greatest achievement, it has the uneasy distinction of being an infamous suicide spot. Poignantly, you'll find it decorated with flyers for the Samaritans. See it from the A4 westbound
Drivers with small children might want to swerve along a different route. Then again, this might just make them titter for hours—it's no surprise that it's also called "the Rude Man". This chalk outline is 180-foot high and carved into the ground—but what's it doing on this hillside in Dorset, and who carved it? That's anyone's guess, but it's probably not prehistoric (the first local reference to it is 1694), and it seems to be some kind of fertility symbol. It made the news when a giant Homer Simpson—complete with doughnut—was painted right next door. Local neo-paganists were rather miffed. See it north of Dorchester, Dorset, from the A352, reached from the A35
If you know a better landmark, we'd love to hear about it. Send us an email—with a picture if possible —to theeditor@ readersdigest.co.uk There's much more in our Best of British series— including further roadside delights— at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine
BY JULIET BUTLER or
You might think feudal villages went out with the Normans, but these local toffs beg to differ
In a handful of places in this country, a little slice of the Middle Ages remains. These private-estate villages have managed to slip unspoilt into the 21st century, owned by a member of the landed gentry— just as noblemen owned settlements in feudal times.
Though the droit de seigneur—the right for a local lord to ravish the serfs' daughters—may no longer apply, these landowners still have certain powers over their "subjects", albeit mainly limited to how they decorate their houses. And, as these three villages show, everyone seems rather happy about it.
All right, squire? (From left) Edward Conant, John Rous and Charles Berkeley in their respective fiefdoms
THE FOCUS OF THE VILLAGE of Ham is definitely not the church. It's the pub on the village green, the Salutation Inn. And today there's a debate going on among the numerous regulars about the pros and cons of life with their unusual landlords.
The tiny settlement, a couple of miles from the Severn Estuary, is part of the ancient Berkeley estate, which dates back to the 12th century. And 80-year-old John Berkeley (he doesn't have a title) even owns the very hostelry we're standing in—though he rents it out and doesn't take a cut of the profits.
"There's always them that resent the family because they're born to be wealthy and own everything—including us, some think!" says one bearded farmhand.
But though they're reluctant to give their names, the general consensus among the drinkers is that, because the village is run by "the squire", they know they're in good hands. The Berkeleys are a decent, well-respected family who've always looked after them and always will.
"Can you imagine," asks one, "if we all got sold off to people like the Beckhams? God forbid! Much better the Berkeleys than the Beckhams."
'And then you get all your characters coming into the village," adds someone else. "Because the Berkeleys still rent out to local people who can't afford their own houses."
Though only one of the 20 houses is still lived in by a bona fide estate worker —Gary, the forester, whose home comes rent-free with the job—Ham retains its estate character by keeping rents artificially low and selecting residents based on tradition and local needs, rather than opening things up to well-off second-homers.
'e tend to rent to loyal families [often the descendants of estate workers] and their friends who work in the area," says Charles Berkeley, 43, day-to-day manager and heir to the 6,000-acre estate
"They want security and to know the house will never be sold," continues the charmingly unassuming father-of-one. 'And, as long as they behave, they can stay here all their lives."
The newest house in Ham is more than 100 years old; homes are mainly made from the local red brick with all the front doors painted identical holly-bush green. The reason for this tradition is somewhat lost in the mists of time, but one theory is that, hundreds of years ago, a Lord Barnard of Raby Castle in Teesdale was refused refuge in a farmhouse he mistakenly thought he owned after being caught in a storm while hunting. He subsequently ordered all his properties to be whitewashed so they were identifiable.
There was a time when the Berkeley hunt could ride across family land stretching from Ham all the way to Berkeley Square in London. But vast swathes had
to be sold off at the beginning of the last century because of crippling death duties. And, in 1956, John was forced to open up the Berkeleys' home of more than 900 years, Berkeley Castle, to the public to make ends meet.
It's the oldest castle in England to be occupied continually by the same family, and curious townspeople queued right up the hill to get their first-ever peek behind the hallowed fortress walls
Charles Berkeley `Some estate landlofff relish the Lord of thc Manor bit, but I hope' to blend in t* with anyone"
at its sumptuous interiors adorned with rare paintings, tapestries and the worldfamous Berkeley silver. John, sitting behind a little table, even sold the tickets himself. Nowadays, the castle also hosts "fairy-tale weddings". -
The family has a second property, Spetchley Park in Worcestershire—run by Charles' sibling Henry. "My father has been a very good and loyal landlord," says Charles. "And he's passed 0.
down to my brother and me the sense of being custodians to our two estates. It's not like in the old days, though. My father remembers being served cucumber sandwiches in the garden by liveried servants. Now, mother has one lady from the village who comes to the castle to clean in the mornings [servants are too expensive]. And farmers will come and knock at my door for a chat and a cup of tea."
Charles, who grew up playing among the castle palisades with Henry in the winter and romping in the gardens of Spetchley Park in the summer, is a common figure in Ham and the nearby town of Berkeley, which his family also partowns. "Some estate landlords relish the Lord of the Manor bit, but I don't at all," he says with an engaging grin. "I hope to blend in with anyone."
"You get old Mr Berkeley down here on the green sometimes," says one of the pub regulars. "And the villagers will doff their caps at him as they go by, y'know? But the younger Mr Berkeley is really sociable, like, and will drop in here for a pint or two."
Indeed, apart from the green doors, the only lordly influence Charles Berkeley seeks to exercise over Ham residents is to make sure their village stays pretty much as it is.
"There aren't any written guidelines, but we wouldn't do something like put plastic windows or satellite dishes on, because we don't want to change the look of the place. We're proud that we've kept it unspoilt, and we hope people continue to enjoy living in it as part of a traditional old village."
ANY PRIVATE VILLAGES have been sold on to the National Trust or wealthy, non-landed people. So Edward Conant, 53— owner of Lyndon Hall and 1,200 acres of farmland—is doing all he can to hold on to Lyndon, his boutique village in the East Midlands.
"Most of these places end up owned by hedge-fund managers," says Edward, whose elderly father Sir John has already passed on his land to his son, and will pass down his title when he dies. "But they rarely keep them for long—five years maybe—while they do a bit of shooting and fishing, and then they're sold on to another chap in the City"
A portly, avuncular former chartered surveyor, Edward and his wife Justine run the estate alone, and rely on farming and the rent from the 40 thatched,17thcentury stone cottages to keep Lyndon afloat. Lifetime local residents pay £300 per month, but incomers are allowed to move in if they're happy to pay £3,000 per month.
The village, which his family has owned for more than 300 years, is a mix of people, acknowledges Edward. "There are some wealthy commuters who prefer
Edward Conant
"I want to keep this intact for my son. I don't want to be the one who makes a lorlicks of it"
to rent rather than buy—it's only 45 minutes by train to London. But I interview new tenants myself to make sure they'll fit in and be happy here."
'We're lucky that we're next to Rutland Water, which is a very wealthy area, so the rents are high. It's either that or you sell off one cottage each year to keep yourself going. But I don't want to do
that—I want to keep all this intact for my son. I don't want to be the one who makes a Horlicks of it."
He'll eventually hand the estate down to his four-year-old Nathaniel, rather than his firstborn Tilly, eight. "Unless Nat turns out to be a prime idiot."
Primogeniture—inheritance by the elder son of titles and property—hasn't s
been the law since 1925 and is now a matter of choice, making it a prickly issue. Sir John could have carved up the estate among his two sons and daughter and, says Edward, if they'd each sold their share "we'd all be multimillionaires and never have to do another day's work in our lives". But, though the decision not to caused some angst—Edward can't afford to give his siblings a share of the rent—Sir John was unshakeable and Edward agreed with him. "I love Lyndon and I want to keep it whole."
Edward's great-grandfather gifted the vicarage to the Church of England— only to have them sell it off. It's now one of the very few privately owned houses in Lyndon. But Edward's few remaining manorial privileges mean he still has an influence over it.
"I think I can appoint the vicar," he says with a small smile. "But I don't think that would go down very well."
Yet, by and arge, Lyndon remains more about responsibilities than rights for Edward. He's spent £3m in the past 20 years to restore and maintain the cottages, and finds himself constantly thwarted by the government planners.
"You get the conservation officer ringing up and saying, 'You can't do this and you can't do that,' which is hard because we're not going to make a mess of an estate we've held for 300 years, are we? The very reason it's all listed now is because our family worked so hard to preserve and protect it! I'm told we're not allowed to damp-proof anything, for example, but how am I to rent out a damp house? And if I can't rent, I'll have to sell. It's all very frustrating."
ROUS,in his pink corduroys, primrose tie and blue shirt, doesn't blend in with the other residents of this historic fishing village on the Atlantic coast. But his ancestors have owned it since 1738, so he doesn't really need to.
Like Sir Edward Conant, he has to mingle with the "common people" to pay for its maintenance, and has run it as a tourist attraction since 1985. Clovelly clings to a 400-foot hillside down to the sea, and tourists from all over the world pay the £5.95 entrance fee and amble among its cottages and cobbled streets.
During my visit, a middle-aged Australian woman who's struggled down the steep cobbled paths to reach the harbour, plonks herself down on the pier and complains bitterly that she'd expected more "gift shops and ice-cream places" for her money. But it's just this lack of commercialism that allows this quaintly shabby village to retain a certain "private" character, despite all the tourists.
"We wanted to keep it as a working village with full-term tenancies, not a well-manicured show village," explains John, 61. "I'd say a third of the residents have a long association with it."
He lives at the top of the cliff in his stately home Clovelly Court, and believes fiercely in his hereditary responsibility to maintain the fishing settlement in all its original beauty. He uses local slate, cob and lime putty to repair the cottages, and always employs local craftsmen.
The residents, some of whom are from old estate or fishing families, appreciate John's efforts and don't seem to begrudge him opening their village to tourists.
"I just love all the visitors—I'll stand on my balcony and chat to them, and tell them what to go and see," says 83-yearold Sheila Ellis, who's one of the oldest inhabitants and was born in the house she still lives in.
Her father and mother ran the village
"We wanttdit as a working village, not a well-manicured, show village"
shop, and she recalls how John Rous' great aunt and Clovelly's former owner Mrs Hamlyn would occasionally walk down to the village from the great house to make sure it was tidy. "I remember her tapping her stick outside and calling to my mother, 'Alice! Come and pick up this rubbish instantly!' "
Shelia now keeps the trickle of new villagers—often commuters working in nearby Bude or Tintagel—in order. "Some people who come here just don't know how to behave in an estate village. They'll litter up the road or try and paint their walls the wrong colour [Buckingham green is the Clovelly tradition].
"But I'll see them—I always see— and I'll be on the phone to John quick as you like!" ■
...BUYING MY FIRST ARSENAL SHIRT, AGED FIVE. Our house [in Loughton, Essex] was very sportsorientated. My dad was mad keen on everything from football to motorcycle racing. Both he and my older brother were Spurs fans, and my brother couldn't handle me supporting the same team as him.
When we went to the shop, he said, "Why don't you support Arsenal? They're great."
It was 1971 and Arsenal were, indeed, a great team. Like any five-year-old, I did what my brother told me and chose an Arsenal shirt. Little did I know it would lead to a love affair that's lasted 40 years!
As I kid, I was convinced I was going to play for Arsenal and, even today, I occasionally dream that they'll pick me for that all-important cup tie.
...GOING ON HOLIDAY WITHOUT MY MUM. When I was six, we went on a family holiday to Lyme Regis. The strange thing was that my
mum didn't come with us, which I found very shocking. She was in hospital, but what we didn't know was that she was dying. Although she had leukaemia, the doctors decided not to tell her. They didn't tell my dad, either —nobody knew she was dying and we weren't going to see her again. Well, apart from the f*****g doctors. Pretty crap, really. These days, you'd quite rightly complain about something like that, but I don't think we did. I can't remember if we were actually still on holiday or we'd just got back...but my mum died on August 22, 1972.
...MY DAD STRUGGLING TO BRING UP THREE KIDS. Like a lot of blokes in the 70s, he didn't know how to deal with emotions. There was so much sadness and pain in our house—a huge sense of loss. To this day, it's something that has never really been talked about as a family. loP
Richarc s once saic , Everybody wants to be famous, until th are. He s rig at."
(Inseattking about in 1978, aged 12
Losing a parent at such an early age leaves a hole that never really gets filled. My coping mechanism was, basically, to turn into an annoying little b*****d! It started off with me mucking about, pulling faces and always looking for attention. Then, I started fighting with my brother and dad. Once I started nicking stuff, things went downhill very quickly. All classic signs-1 was missing my mum.
Alan features in his local paper after making a TV broadcast at college in 1983 Chance to be on the box
At 13, I was allowed to go to Arsenal home games on my own—travelling all the way from Loughton. I loved getting away from the house, and I didn't mind the violence— I never got involved, but I found it all quite exciting. At 15, Dad let me go to away games, travelling by train with the Arsenal Supporters Club. It was the first time I'd really been out of London on my own, seeing places like Liverpool, Nottingham and Newcastle. And what I soon discovered was that the police in all these places hated Cockneys. I remember trying to explain to one copper that I wasn't really a Cockney, but he was having none of it, so I just ran off. The police didn't muck around back then, so I didn't mess with them!
Let me just clear up one very important point: I never had enough style to be a punk. No matter what
I wore as a teenager, I always looked a bit of pillock. There were only two real punks at my school. One of them once came into school wearing suede boots, skin-tight animal-print trousers and a leather jacket, with his hair dyed green. I thought he looked brilliant, but the teachers threatened to send him home! Even though I wasn't a punk, I loved the music. First it was The Stranglers, and then I discovered the Jam. I saw both of them, as well as U2 and the Pretenders. Not a bad line-up for a teenager's first few gigs!
Birthdays were always a bone of contention in our house. On my seventh, I was allowed to have a party and invited a load of my mates over. The idea was that
"Once I started nicking stuff, things went downhill very quickly..."
we were going to have some games and build Lego, but I decided I didn't want to play with anyone. Dad said, "Look, you have to play with your friends." He wasn't best pleased, and told me I could never have another birthday party again. He stuck to his guns, too, right up until my 18th [pictured below, left]. I was surprised he actually said yes because, by then, we were barely on speaking terms. If you're wondering why I look so happy, it's got nothing to do with Dad or my birthday... I was just getting nicely intoxicated.
...GOING TO UNI. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a footballer. In my teens, I fancied becoming an MP or an actor. Then, I set my sights on sports journalism. In 1984, I went to the University of Kent in Canterbury to study drama and media, which probably wasn't a bad choice. I was pleased to be away from home and among other people who thought the world was crazy, but a lot of the students just couldn't handle the freedom. They spent most of their time cleaning up sick after getting drunk on three pints of cider.
...BECOMING POLITICAL. In 1985, I bought a copy of the speech Neil Kinnock delivered to the Labour Party conference
Larking about in The Empire Builders at the Gulbenkian 111 Theatre, Kent, 1986
in Bournemouth; I was now a fully-fledged lefty! It all started with punk and its association with organisations like the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, the Anti-Nazi League, Rock Against Racism and Amnesty International— but my politics were also partly formed in opposition to my father. Dad [an accountant] was a conservative with a big and small "C". If I was ever unsure about where I stood on a particular issue, I'd just ask my dad what he thought about it. If he liked it, I hated it. If he hated it, I became a passionate supporter. Looking back, I probably joined the Labour Party just to p**s my dad off. These days, we get on great, but I wonder if it still annoys him that I'm still a member of the Labour Party.
Eddie Izzard has this theory that he got into comedy because he lost his mum at an early age and needed the love of an to-
-4 audience to make up for that. For me, things were a lot simpler. I adored comedy shows like The Two Ronnies and The Good Life. They made me laugh, so I wanted to 'Jo the same. Even though me and Dad were always at each other's throats back then, I remember we used to have a great time watching The Two Ronnies. Comedy was one of the few things that brought the family together. My first gig was at Whitstable Labour Club in 1988 and...people laughed. I was funny. That was it, really. I was completely hooked.
...SUDDENLY
"Is that some cash I see?" Alan making a good living in Jonathan Creek and (below) in QI
MONEY!I come from a fairly well-to-do, middleclass family, but I'd never had any cash of my own. Dad bought everything. But, after I started getting well known on the comedy circuit, I finally started earning my own living. A good living! If you were on at Jongleurs and the Comedy Store in the same weekend, you could come away with almost £600 in your pocket—for two days' work! That meant I had enough money not to work for the rest of the week. Most of my university contemporaries were struggling to get work, but I seemed to be wallowing in it. Like any young man with a pocket full of fivers, I felt like I was king of the world!
Around the time that Jonathan Creek started [1997], I seemed to be everywhere. All of a sudden, I was being recognised. About 99 per cent of people were lovely, but there was always that one per cent who wanted to give you some s**t.
Keith Richards once said, "Everybody wants to be famous, until they are." He's right. I wanted to be able to turn fame on and off when it suited me, but it doesn't work like that. I think it's even worse today. I recently Googled myself and was amazed at how much vitriol and anger was being directed at me, just because I was on telly—even before the Hillsborough incident [a comment Alan made about Liverpool's refusal to play football on the anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster caused controversy in April]. I've never Googled myself since, and I never will.
...LAUGHING TILL I CRIED ON 01.
I don't think any of us had any expectations for it. In effect, it's a bunch of people talking about very obscure stuff, all presided over by a ridiculously clever man who makes fun of us...but it seems to work. My favourite shows are the ones
where I end up laughing even more than the audience. There was one where Julian Clary was telling a story about needing the loo when he met the Queen that had me in stitches. At one point, it got so bad that we had to stop the cameras!
STARNBERG IN GERMANY. Up until the day I met Katie [Maskell, a literary agent] in 2005, my relationships had been fairly disastrous. So much shouting! So many rows! I'm sure a lot of people think it was all to do with losing my mum, but, personally, I think my relationships didn't work because (a) I didn't meet the right person and (b) I wasn't the right person.
I did eventually spend quite a bit of time in therapy and it really helped on that front. It helped me become...me.
By the time I met Katie, I wasn't such a k**b. I took her to the World Cup in Germany in 2006, and we went on a sightseeing trip to Lake Starnberg. As we sat at a little cafe in a place called Tutzing, the dreadlocked guy who ran the place offered me some snuff. I'd never had it before, so I tried it. Five minutes later, I proposed to Katie. Must have been really good snuff! •
As told to Danny Scott
» Alan performs his new show, Life Is Pain, at the Edinburgh Fringe this month, and is on tour nationwide from September
Artists take great care with their reputation, but they can't always control what happens when they pass on. Posthumous releases aren't always terrible—they're sometimes worse than that: Crash Landing The fifth Jimi Hendrix studio album to be released after the guitarist's death (and appropriately named) is largely made up of songs from other records, alongside badly recorded demos fleshed out by session musicans who'd never even met Hendrix, let alone played with him. "Flogging a dead horse" doesn't do it justice.
Plan 9 from Outer Space Often cited as the worst film ever made, not least for its treatment of Bela Lugosi. When the horror legend died before the shoot, director Edward D Wood Jnr replaced him with a "double" who was about a foot taller, looked nothing like him, and spent the whole movie covering his face with his arm. Modern-day CGI is a blessing in comparison.
The Sea is My Brother NO I iy
Publishers should think y [MOTHER twice when even the r lAsT author describes his Aiitrliti book as "a crock". But NC this early effort from American writer Jack Kerouac finally saw the light of day in 2011—a mere 70 years after it was written. As the critic Sarah Churchwell observed, "The writing should be entered in a bad-prose competition."
She was once a wealthy artist, but Carla Browne sacrificed her family, home and career for a life helping deprived kids
BY GILLY SMIT' PHOTOGRAPH EC'
BY REBBIF PO'
When 54-year-old sculptress Carla Browne and her architect husband Nick decided to build a villa in southern Sri Lanka in early 2004, it was more than just an opportunity for Nick to show off his design skills. With their 18-year-old son Orlando about to leave home for university, the couple—who'd fallen in love with Sri Lanka during a holiday—felt that this could be a chance for them to start again after their marriage had hit a midlife crisis.
"We planned to build a house just off the beach in Epitamulla," says Carla. "The land was next to a little preschool and, over the course of several visits, we got to know the kids quite well. I'd bring gifts when we went over, and Nick was going to build a playground."
But the 30-foot tsunami that hit the Sri Lankan coastline on Boxing Day that year changed ►
everything. It devastated many of the homes, businesses and schools in Epitamulla, including the kindergarten. Luckily, the wave hit on a Sunday and the nursery was closed, but several of the children Carla and Nick had come to know were among the 100 dead in a village that had only 300 residents. The couple were at home in Devon at the time, but any plans for a luxury villa went out the window.
"We couldn't even think about building it while people were in such need," says Carla. "I decided that we'd twin the kindergarten with our local school in Porlock [Somerset] to get some money to rebuild it through fundraising events. Then I thought, It doesn't stop at that. We'll twin as many British and Sri Lankan schools as we can."
Colombo
Epitamulla
50;,m
The daughter of a US diplomat—who sold her sculptures for up to £4,000 each —Carla had a network of wealthy friends. So among the establishments she targeted were some of the country's top public schools, with Carla writing to the heads and asking them to stage charity galas and get parents to make donations.
"Those parents could afford it," she says. "Winchester and Blundell's were amazing, and the Southbank International School [in London] raised £60,000 in an auction—apparently, one of the prizes
was dinner with Sven-Goran Eriksson! At the same time, a Muslim state school in Nottingham gave me £1,000."
With all the donations, Carla was able to build a new nursery and a children's community centre, and over the next year she was back in Sri Lanka every other month. Though now she went alone. Nick was impressed, if stunned, by her enthusiasm, but he couldn't commit himself in quite the same way.
On each visit, Carla would bring bags of donated items to help the people of Epitamulla—she recoils at the memory of SriLankan Airlines charging an excess baggage fee of £500—including music and sports equipment, towels, thousands of pairs of socks and shoes, and letters from British pen pals for the children. She'd also load up her rented van with other essentials, such as food and kerosene lamps, on the trip from Sri Lanka's main city Colombo.
"I once asked [the villagers] what else I could get for them, and they said irons and ironing boards. It was heartbreaking. The children wear pristine uniforms to school. They're so proud."
In about a year, the twinning initiative —which had now linked 12 Sri Lankan schools with16 British ones—had raised
Anuradhapura SRI LANKA Kandy"The children wear pristine uniforms to school. They're so proud"
£160,000. It was becoming ever clearer to Carla that she'd found a new calling.
"The more I came to Sri Lanka, the less I wanted to go back to Britain. It was hard trying to live both lives. I knew I could do more in Sri Lanka. I'd done well with my sculpture, but I was in a rut."
The future of her marriage was also being pulled into sharp focus—foryears, the only reason she'd stayed in the relationship was for Orlando. But her new second home was providing an escape, and she was living there almost full-time. Although she admits that Sri Lanka had become "a dirty word" for Orlando— and it took several years before he was comfortable with what she was doing— Nick was quite supportive of her. "The tsunami released an energy that realigned her path in life," he says.
Two blind children attend a vocational sewing course; (above) the Volunteers Village, with Carla in the centre
In March 2006, Carla's commitment to Sri Lanka moved up a notch when she found a deaf-and-blind school near Epitamulla that needed help. "There were open sewers and some children were three to a bed. After school finished at 1.30pm, there was nothing for them to do apart from lie on their beds."
With £5,000 of her own savings, and a £60,000 donation and yearly pledge of £10,000 secured from friends, she began to organise the building of two single-sex dormitories and an arts-andcrafts activity room, run by four permanent staff.
Heading up the project was Subodha Liyanage, a local aid worker who'd been employed by several big charities. In the summer of 2008, he also helped Carla set up Children's Hope, a registered foundation that would provide an
• umbrella organisation for Carla's activities and plant her flag permanently in Sri Lanka. Over the next few years, he and Carla—who'd now bought a home at Ahangama, a few miles from Epitamullaexpanded their activities to take in everything from providing cricket coaching for local children, to installing a well and better sanitation at a poor inland school, to helping rebuild local houses.
Carla continued to return frequently to Britain to raise money, but the final stage in her shift from Devon artist to Sri Lanka-based philanthropist came in 2009, when she and Nick got divorced and sold their Exmoor home.
Carla poured much of the money into Children's Hope's projects, and bought a villa to rent out for a source of income. But, the following year, she spotted a more sustainable revenue stream for the charity. The kids of her well-off friends had often asked to help -during their gap years, so Carla found a bankrupt ten-bedroom hotel north of the Unawatuna beach resort, and invited the youngsters to live and volunteer there for £500 a month—far less than other gap-year companies. The "Volunteers Village" now has 17 staff and dozens of "gapees" a year, who do everything from teaching English in local schools to helping run a sewing
course for girls, including some from the deaf-and-blind school.
Carla takes me on a tour of the village and introduces me to Umeshi and Kanshana, two deaf girls about to complete the course. Their Sri Lankan signer translates their enthusiastic giggles. "They say that, after they get training here, they. can get self-employment and be part of this society. Without us, they would have returned to their poor homes and had no skills or possibility of any jobs," she says.
"When you feel glum, you think about all those kids who depend on you"
Carla leads me into the kitchen where a group of trainee chefs are busy preparing a wedding feast— Volunteers Village is a popular venue for receptions. "We undercut everyone else and do a much better job," says Carla.
The young men in the kitchen, chatting happily, each greet Carla with warmth. "They all left school at 12 or 13 and would have become beach bums, wasting their money on arak [a strong liquor] like many of the older men here," she tells me.
"All of our trainees get jobs. Two even went to work at Amangalla," she says, referring to a hotel at Galle Fort that has supported a number of local charities since the tsunami. "Amangalla staff also play cricket at the deaf-and-blind school,
so there's a real sense of community."
The opening of a cafe at the village in June means more work for the boys on the chef's course, and shows off the charity's projects to locals and holidaymakers. Carla's also planning to cater for Western weddings at her villa.
Two months after meeting Carla in Sri Lanka, I catch up with her during "a break" in London. She's spent most of her fortune on her charity, and now just has a two-bedroom Fulham flat that she rents to Orlando—Carla sleeps in the box room.
"When I'm here, I think, Do I have to go back?"she says. "It's tough out there— some locals can be jealous because you're doing stuff that they're not. I was once accused of selling kidneys! But I can't afford to come back here. Besides, what would I do? I'm done with sculpture."
She tells me about Kushani (above), a little girl with learning disabilities who's
just joined the preschool. After discovering that the father had had an affair while she was pregnant, Kushani's mother had tried to suffocate the girl at birth, then abandoned her. Kushani now lives with her father and grandmother.
"She was so frightened of me at first, but now she's my best friend," says Carla. "When you feel glum, you think about all those children who depend on you, and you think, Of course, I'll go back." •
» For more details, visit childrenshope.lk
QUESTIONS FROM HISTORY ANSWERED, PART 2
no appetite") was used in Tudor times, but the term was first applied PoticE to a case in 1869. Sarah Jacob, a farmer's daughter in Carmarthenshire, Wales, caught the nation's attention when she allegedly survived with no food for ten months. Nurses were sent to supervise, but she died a few weeks later. Physician to the Queen, Sir William Gull, coined the word anorexia to explain this "fasting illness". Although a "freak show" motive was never proved, Jacob's parents (left) were jailed for manslaughter. The girl's home had become a tourist spot—people arrived in droves to witness the woman who apparently lived on air. At her death, her bed was bedecked with flowers, as if her nature were somehow sacred. Stephen Wade
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A FLAT ON A MARINA FOR £5,000, a cottage by a brook for £35,000...no wonder buyers are flocking to auctions in search of a bargain home. And as contracts are exchanged the moment the hammer goes down, you could own your dream house in hours rather than months. But if there are hidden problems, winning the bid can mean losing your savings—so learn from the mistakes newbies make. They don't ask who's selling or why. Banks selling off repossessions or owners up to their necks in debt will be looking for a quick return, while councils and charities simply want to avoid charges of
price-fixing. Some buildings are auctioned because they're hard to shift—derelict, quirky, or hedged about with restrictions. If you can't work out why the property's the bargain of a lifetime, be wary.
They skim-read the legal pack. Usually available online, it gives details of the title, searches, and the allimportant special conditions. "It's where they hide naughties, such as rights of way and extra charges," explains Guy Charrison, president of the National Association of Valuers and Auctioneers.
Think about what's not in the pack—like a coal- mining search (vital, if there's one on the doorstep) or chancel-repair liability, which obliges buyers to maintain the local church. And check if there's an addendum on auction day, which lists last-minute changes.
■They fall to arrange finance. "I'm amazed at how many don't think beyond the 10% deposit they need on auction day. They assume they'll get a mortgage and will have 28 days to arrange one," says property developer Sam Collett, who buys for her lettings agency Gorgeous Homes. "There's often as little as two weeks for completion, which is why many bidders are cash buyers.
■They leave their brain at the door. Bids jump by £1,000 a time and the atmosphere is febrile, so it's easy to be swept away. "Instead of going for 30% less than the market price as you'd expect, I've seen properties fetch 30% more," says Collett. To avoid being swayed by the auctioneer's siren song, place bids by phone or by proxy. Follow proceedings at a distance, and if the property fails to meet its reserve, contact the seller. It's a great opportunity to negotiate a price on your own terms.
IF ONE HALF-COOKED MEAL TOO MANY has you vowing to abandon barbecuing forever, there's hope. Almost half of all barbecues now sold are gas, 40which you just switch on and go.
"Look for one with three burners and a griddle, plus a layer of lava rock so you can throw on wood chips or herbs to give that authentic smoky taste," says Brian George, founder of National BBQ Week. "And pick one with a hood, so the barbecue can double as an oven— I've even cooked a pavlova in mine,
If gas is a cheat tid far, opt for a • wood-fired chiminea—perfect for pizza, says George—and eat while basking in the heat. If only charcoal will do, buy a chimney starter (Weber, £20) to get it going and halve the time the coals take to heat. Then pick up a pack of the pre-cooked meats now available in supermarkets, and you could be tucking into a not-so-slow-cooked pork belly in under an hour. l•
"HOP IN!" YOU SAY TO TINY DAISY, oblivious that you're breaking the law. While parents are usually clued up, childfree friends or grandparents often have no idea about the child-seat requirements for cars.
First, check you have the right safety seat—children under 12 or 135cm must have one. Strap babies under 13kg into a rearward-facing seat, which gives more protection to heavy-headed tots. Experts also advise using them from nine months to four years (9-18kg) but they're hard to find (try rearfacing.co. uk), so the usual choice for toddlers is a forward-facing seat. After four, they need a booster seat or cushion.
Make sure the seat fits your car.
"Eight out of ten aren't fitted correctly," says Julie Dagnall of childseatsafety. co.uk, which trains advisers to check seats out. Follow this routine: unless your car has Isofix points, anchor the restraint with the seat belt. Thread it through the guide points without twisting the webbing or squashing the buckle. Remove the headrest if it's forcing the seat forward, and pull on the harness to test that the seat stays in place; adjust until you can slip two fingers between the strap and the child's collarbone.
NOTHING IS QUITE AS GOOD AS A HELPFUL NEIGHBOUR, but if you don't have one of those, try these hands-free ways to keep pots blooming if you're away. For house plants, fill the sink or bath and drape one end of a capillary mat (£10 from garden centres) in the water. Spread the rest over the draining board or floor and group the pots on it, pressing them down to make contact. The matting acts as a wick, taking up moisture as required. For bigger pots, tuck one end of the mat into the soil and the other into a bucket of water. Or buy self-watering containers (£5, IKEA). They're best suited to moistureloving plants, says the Royal Horticultural Society, so not for citrus or palms.
■ Outdoors, a dripirrigation system will keep pots watered and is exempt from hosepipe bans, says Guy Barter, chief horticultural adviser at the RHS. Hozelock's Mini Auto Watering Kit waters seven large or 15 small pots for £19, but a timer will set you back £33. If you only have a couple of pots, water balls release sufficient moisture to keep tolerant species going. And if you're willing to gamble, just move the pots out of the sun, water thoroughly, and cover with 50% shade netting. "They'll be happy for a week or two," says Barker.
A TAGGED PHOTO CAN BE ALL OVER FACEBOOK in the blink of an eye—which we're too often doing when snapped. As there's no way of deleting other people's shots, it pays to be cameraready when you're out. Just follow these tips from photographer Seamus Ryan, whose work is in the National Portrait Gallery, and, of course, Reader's Digest.
Good posture makes everyone look imposing, so try to hold your head up, pull your belly in, and draw your shoulders back instead of slouching. Lean forward slightly so you seem engaged, then angle your body sideways to slim your silhouette. (Keep your head turned to the camera or you look shifty.)
USE
Holding a glass, or the wall, gives them a purpose, while folding them loosely or tucking them into the back pockets of your jeans looks casual and relaxed.
It's the best way to conceal a double chin. But if you want to impress, look down into the lens for the ultimate hero shot.
If you're wary of the camera it will show, so
imagine it's a close personal friend. "The warmth will shine out in your eyes," says Ryan.
By now, you should be relaxed enough to take part in one of Ryan's free Sunday Shoots in London (see sundayshoots.com).
There's no obligation to buy the photos, but we're guessing that you will. 10
IT'S THE OLD STORY. You spend hours waiting for your Sunday-lunch centrepiece to cook, only to hack away at it until it looks like something out of Silent Witness. We asked Stefan KOIsch, head chef at Aberdeen mail-order butchers Donald Russell, to give his carving masterclass.
1.Choose a cut where the meat is attached to the rib and (for beef joints) the featherbone. Flavour seeps out of the marrow during cooking, and the bones hold the juices in, keeping the meat tender.
2. Rest the joint for 15 minutes after cooking so the juices spread through the meat, then place it on a wooden carving board, pinning it down with a fork.
3. Using a sharp carving knife, cut along the rib from top to bottom. Turn the knife to cut along the featherbone. Tilt the knife slightly towards the bone, keeping it close to remove the maximum amount of meat.
4. Cut into portions by slicing at right angles to the grain. This cuts the fibres so the meat stays tender. Then extract the "rib trim"—the tasty bits between the ribs on pork and beef joints. Still intimidated? Opt for an easy-carve roast from donald russell.com, where the meat is taken off the bone and tied back on before cooking.
Give us a break, this is Britain! Our variable climate means that five days is as far ahead as I can comfortably look. But that's as accurate as the daily forecast was 30 years ago, and when it comes to temperatures, I get it right nine times out of ten.
Sorry your picnic was a washout, but showers are almost impossible to predict. I get round it by talking about the probability of rain, but I never know if it will fall in your backyard.
Severe weather is what happens on the ground. There's no definition of severe weather, so alerts are based on the damage it does. There are more warnings for built-up areas, because that's where most chaos occurs.
Long-term forecast?
0 Your guess is as good as ours. The Met Office withdrew seasonal forecasts after 2009's barbecue summer failed to sizzle. Though it still predicts the weather
16-30 days ahead, it's an outlook, not a forecast, so you may not want to rely on it for your holiday.
Some of us know what we're talking about. If you switch on to BBC weather, you'll be watching a paid-up meteorologist. That's not always the case on other channels, which often use unqualified presenters. Expertise can backfire though, because meteorologists are happy to venture an opinion. And, as Michael Fish knows, we're not always right.
I don't do drought. That's for the Environment Agency and water
companies to decide. I just tell them if it's likely to rain.
The UK has more tornadoes than the US. We have 30-40 twisters a year, though ours are more likely to take the roof off a shed than a town. But it does happen—ask the residents of Chamberlayne Road in London where 150 homes were hit in 2006. The weather's perfect in Dorset. Atlantic storms blow themselves out before they get there, so it's warmer and drier than Devon and Cornwall. There's enough rain to keep the garden blooming, which doesn't happen further east, and like the rest of the south coast, it's tops for sunshine. I work in outer space. If solar flares hit the Earth, they can disrupt phones, computers and flights, and cause geo-magnetic storms that have plunged cities into darkness. You'll have some notice —flares travel at the speed of light, but the distance is enough to give a day's warning.
Red sky at night really is a good sign if the wind blows from the west. A red glow at sunset shows the air is clear, so there's good weather to come. Red sky in the morning means the sun is shining on approaching clouds. Let's hope the jet stream moves north.
If it's on the far side of Scotland, it holds bad weather back, but if it flips south, Arctic air sweeps in. See what it's up to on netweather.tv.
If you feel under the weather, you probably are. The weather can give you much more than sunburn—suicides increase in a heatwave and heart attacks go up when it's cold because low temperatures thicken the blood. And if you're asthmatic, reach for your inhaler when you hear thunder, as the particles storms release can leave you gasping.
Want a private chat?
Ring 01392 885 680 and you can talk to me for three minutes, 24 hours a day, for £17. But don't call at weekends or bank holidays—whatever the weather, I won't want to know. ■
After all the years of training to be a doctor, I never thought that one day I'd be standing in someone's kitchen sprinkling granulated sugar on freshly buttered bread as part of my job.
"Do you think it's going to work?" asked the social worker as she peered over my shoulder. I shrugged.
The policeman standing in the doorway didn't look convinced. "I think we should handcuff her," he growled. He'd just been hit in the face, so I excused his gruffness. I cut the sandwich into triangles and arranged them on a china plate. "There we go," I said as I went into the living room. She looked suspicious, then nibbled a corner. Her face lit up.
Mrs Davis had become paranoid about her carers
"Oh, that's perfect. Just the right amount of sugar," she said. Mrs Davis had stopped eating properly a few weeks ago. For the past few days, she'd eaten nothing and had become very frail. The problem started a few months previously when Mrs Davis had a series of small strokes that had affected the part of her brain responsible for thinking and understanding. She'd become confused and forgetful. Her neighbour had twice found her wandering in the street. She'd also fallen over and cut her leg—it urgently
Max Pemberton is a hospital doctor, and the Mind Journalist of the Year 2010
needed medical attention.
All this was made worse by the fact that Mrs Davis had become paranoid about her carers and wouldn't eat the food they'd prepared. She needed to go to hospital, but refused. The police were called when she became aggressive, and that's when she hit one of them. I was then brought in—they wanted me to sedate her so she could be transferred to hospital. But this seemed extreme and cruel, so I'd asked her if she could have any food in the world, what would it be. "Sugar sandwiches," came the reply. "Will you talk to me if I make you some?" I asked, and she nodded.
Two rounds later, we were making progress. "Come into hospital for a few days so we can get you back on your feet and feed you up," I said.
"Will you be there?" she asked. I nodded. "Will you make more sugar sandwiches?"
The social worker looked at me with a wry smile.
"All right then."
A spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down, I thought, as Mrs Davis got into the back of the ambulance.
Listen to MAX PEMBERTON'S PODCAST on diabetes—how to spot the signs, and tips on living with it—at readersdigest. co.uk/magazine
WHAT DO ANTIFUNGALS DO?
They treat infections caused by fungi, a group of organisms similar to plants. But unlike plants these fungi can't make their own food through photosynthesis, so instead they feed off organic matter— including human tissue. Fungi are particularly attracted to keratin—a protein that makes up skin, hair and nails.
HOW DO THEY WORK?
They either kill the fungal cells directly or prevent them from growing and reproducing.
WHO TAKES ANTIFUNGALS?
People with poor immune systems are more susceptible to fungal infections, but they can affect anyone. Those with diabetes are also at higher risk of fungal skin infections, such as athlete's foot or thrush.
HOW DO YOU TAKE THEM?
They're applied as a cream, gel, paint or spray directly to the infected area; or taken orally as a tablet; or, if the infection is inside the body and it's life-threatening, they will be given intravenously through a drip. Skin infections usually clear quickly, but nail infections can be stubborn as the nail is so tough.
SIDE EFFECTS?
Topical antifungals can cause skin irritation. Oral and intravenous antifungals can cause stomach upsets or a mild rash. Rarely, antifungals can affect the liver and cause jaundice.
COMMON TYPES
Many end with "azole" including ketoconazole (often in anti-dandruff shampoo) and clotrimazole (found in thrush medication such as Canesten). ■
NEXT MONTH:antidepressants
GOT A QUESTION FOR MAX? He'll be answering as many of your medical questions as he can—see him in action on our website (readersdigest.co.uk/magazine) from August 17. Write in or email your questions to theeditor@readersdigest.co.uk—please put Dr Max in the subject line, and please state if you want to remain anonymous.
Keeping fit is important—just make sure you don't sacrifice your joints
Exercise is good for you—but just make sure you're not wrecking your joints in the process.
Q Whaaatt? Surely exercise makes your joints stronger?
A Doctors have known for a long time that an injury to a joint can lead to osteoarthritis, which affects at least eight million people in the UK. But there's more and more evidence linking sports injuries to this painful condition.
giN So which joints are most VI at risk?
A According to one study, knee problems account for up to half of all sports injuries, with ankles being the next most vulnerable joint.
Q Which sports do the most damage?
A A study from the 2008 Olympics pointed the finger at football, taekwondo, hockey, handball, weightlifting and boxing. Other research showed skiing to be a major cause of knee injuries among women. And if you want to preserve your ankles, avoid court and team sports. Squash, rugby, football, volleyball, basketball and netball are all ankle grinders. Oh, and climbing, too.
Yikes! Are there any %.# sports left?
A Thankfully, yes. That 2008 Olympic survey found that sailing, canoeing or kayaking, rowing, swimming, synchronised swimming, diving and fencing were much gentler on the joints. t Cycling and walking are .• % good, too, says charity
•• Arthritis Research UK. Exercise is I great, especially for cardiovascular health and weight—but "don't overdo it" seems to be the message.
QSo how much exercise should we take to keep us fit but keep our joints from crumbling?
A Good question, and one that Arthritis Research UK is keen to find an answer to. That's why it's investing £3m in a new research centre for sports and exercise. In the meantime, make sure you start any new sport gradually, building up the frequency, duration and intensity of the sessions over time. Also, warm up for five minutes each time, and have recovery days.
If little Johnny or Jilly gets a splinter during the summer holidays, all you'll need is good eyesight (better still, a magnifying glass), good-quality tweezers (worth the investment), and nerves of steel! Follow these steps and you—not to mention your (grand)child—will be laughing.
1.Wash your hands.
2.Disinfect your equipment and the area around the splinter.
3.Use your magnifying glass to find out which way the splinter entered. You'll
need to pull it out at the same angle.
4. If the offending article is protruding, grab the end with your tweezers and pull.
5. If it's deeply embedded, you might require a needle. Use it to scrape gently at the skin at the point of entry—with the aim of revealing enough of the splinter to use tweezers.
6. If you still can't grip it, use the needle to break the skin along the length of the splinter and gently ease it out.
7.See a doctor if there are any signs of infection.
Do you know the symptoms of lung cancer? Here's how people fared in a recent Cancer Research UK study.
PERCENTAGE WHO CORRECTLY IDENTIFIED THESE AS BEING LUNG CANCER SYMPTOMS:
Persistent tiredness
Cough that doesn't go away
Persistent chest infection 2%
Persistent shoulder pain 0.1%
Changes in shape of fingernails 0%
...and no, we're not talking T-shirts. If you're planning on some holiday romance, then take some condoms with you. That's not just advice for the young—chlamydia, the most common STI, has nearly tripled in the 4565 and over-65 age groups in the last ten years.
» Get more on men's health at malehealth.co.uk
There's about a 50:50 chance the answer to this question is "yes". The RSPCA estimates that up to 50% of the 8.6 million dogs in the UK are overweight and at risk of many obesity-associated diseases that afflict humans. But lots of owners simply don't recognise the problem in Fido—or even in themselves. The owners, in some ways, do resemble their dogs, although it's slightly different with cats.
A study carried out in three veterinary practices in Amsterdam involved 47 owner-dog pairs and 36 owner-cat pairs. The weight of the animals was measured by the vet during the consultation, and results confirmed an association between the degree of fatness of the dogs and the body mass index (BMI) of their owners.
The explanation, according to the study authors, is that owners apply their personal behaviour—including eating habits—to their canines. This is borne out by the fact that the weight of the dog correlated with the duration of the ownership, rather than the age of the mutt. In addition, the
Legionnaires' disease, a lung infection that kills around ten per cent of people who catch it, is rare but on the increase—the recent outbreak in Edinburgh claimed three lives. It's mostly picked up while travelling,
correlation between the degree of fatness of the dogs and the BMI of their owners disappeared after correction for time spent walking the dog. This suggests that the shared spent energy of the owner-dog pair determines the degree of fatness of the dogs as well as their owners.
Interestingly, the study found no similar association for cats, presumably because they are less dependent on their owners for their physical activity and food intake. Several studies have shown that moggies allowed to roam free are not as overweight as those forced to stay at home.
If you want a healthy pooch, you need to pay attention to its diet and physical activity. If you do this, getting a dog may
be a better strategy than joining a gym. After all, if you can't be bothered to go to the gym, the only one who loses is you. But if your dog needs to walk—and all dogs do—then this provides some extra pressure for you to be active.
Dr David Ashton of Healthier Weight
but one study suggested a link with the wiper-fluid reservoir in your car.
There's an easy way to protect yourself, though: make sure you use screenwash rather than plain water—another recent study from Bournemouth University showed that it zapped the bacteria. ■
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Packing your capsule holiday wardrobe is one thing; the vexed question of your sponge bag is another entirely. If only it was just a sponge bag. If you pack every beauty product you might want, you'll need another entire suitcase for your cleansers, toners, shampoos, after-sun hair masques, exfoliators, pre-tans, post-tans, and more—and that's without your make-up...
But how much of it do you really need? Isn't a holiday all about not bothering too much about the finer details of grooming?
My own essentials are contact lenses, moisturiser, shampoo/conditioner, lipsalve and sunscreen. After that, everything is optional—if you do just a little planning.
Sort out the basics. Eyebrow-shaping, and eyelash perming and tinting will keep your eyes looking fab in and out of the water for a good month. A professional long-lasting pedicure with a paint-on gel such as Shellac, or OPI's new GelColor will take care of your toes. Wax if you must, but I'd pack a Ns razor (you could try the Roto Shave mentioned opposite). If you're short of time, check whether there's a spa at your resort that you could use once you're there. Decant. Yes, it's a faff, but it makes for lighter packing (and it's less heartbreaking to spill an atomiser of perfume than a bottle).
Double up. Make products work harder by choosing two-in-one options,
Nuxe Huile Prodigeuse (100m1), £28.50, spacenk. co.uk. I don't normally go a bundle on body oils but this, made from a mass of precious plant oils, is exceptional. On holiday, it will multitask and moisturise your face, give limbs a sheen, soften sun-scorched hair—and its glorious fragrance means you don't need another perfume.
such as aftersuns with insect repellent, lip-andcheek stains and conditioning hair washes. You could skip moisturiser in favour of sunscreen in the morning and aftersun in the evening. And a sun-blocking swim top might not win you fashion points on the beach, but it will save reapplying endless sunscreen.
Collect sachets and samples. Pull them from glossy mags, and pick them up at beauty counters; they're ideal for travelling. Or try mini-sized products of holiday essentials.
As a last resort, unless you're going to the back of beyond, you could always buy what you need when you arrive. A capsule sponge bag? Stranger things have happened!
! Alice Hart-Davis is an award-winning beauty journalist, who writes regularly for the national press, and is creator of Good Things skincare.
If you find yourself with time on your hands on holiday (or maybe while watching the Olympics?), use it to massage your face. Massage reduces puffiness by boosting lymphatic drainage in the skin, and improves the circulation to give you a healthy glow. Use moisturiser to give your fingers "slip", don't press too hard, and off you go.
There's no question that shaving is the swiftest way to silky-smooth pins, and here's a device that can do it in record time. Designed to combine the ease of an electric shaver with the close shave of a razor, this is the -, a slightly terrifying gadget with nine rotating blades that spin 30 times a second—which means it makes short work of leg hairs (I haven't dared take it near my armpits yet). Use with care—it's hard, but not impossible, to nick yourself. The Lady ROTO Shave costs £49.95 at selected Boots stores and Lifes2good on 0845 399 0038; lifes2good.co.uk
Gillian
Dobias, 44, from Middlesex, loves Ruby Lafant's Rejuvenate—a luminescent facial serum containing sea-silk protein from marine algae along with extracts of frangipani and "lafant", the Welsh lavender that gives the brand its name. "It's a creamy, smooth and super-light moisturiser that gives me an instant lift," Gillian says. "The organic lavender smells fabulous and really seems to rejuvenate my skin." £24 for 45m1, from welshlavender. com ■
Bank transfer disappeared? Here's what to do
In this automated age, we expect our bank transfers to go smoothly, and to arrive at their intended destinations. But, more often than you might imagine, money transferred disappears into the digital ether and takes some time before it comes up again for oxygen (as recent problems with RBS and NatWest have illustrated).
Indeed, the Maclntyre holiday fund went missing when it was sent to the wrong account by one high-street bank—and it took three weeks to get it back. Despite constant phone calls, both banks involved were tardy, but at least the money was delivered in the end. (Mind you, the £25 CHAPS payment for immediate transfer has yet to be refunded, but it's surely only a matter of time before the bank submits to my consumer charms!)
If you've suffered losses because of a bank's error, you may also be entitled
to compensation—and if you don't ask you won't get. The banking Ombudsman is the place to go if you get caught up in such a debacle. Where there's confusion over the error, the Ombudsman usually comes down in favour of the consumer. I'm told by the Ombudsman's office that lost and missing money in the banking system is a serious problem.
But be warned: you're liable if you get the number wrong and the money is sent into someone else's account—you may have to sue the unintended recipient of the funds in the civil courts to get your money back.
If you've suffered losses because of a bank's error, you may also be entitled to compensation
Donal answers your questions. Please email queries to excerpts @readers digest. co.uk
Donal Maclntyre is an investigative journalist and a former presenter of ITV's London Tonight
ft In February Wig I got a gas bill for £400, and the next month received an updated bill for over £2,000 due to underestimated readings over the previous year. I can't afford it, and they're threatening to cut me off. What do I do?
agreed period. Don't hesitate to call your supplier—stressful as it may be—and agree an arrangement. Only in the most extreme circumstances will the key service providers cut off the supply.
A smart gas meter (below) sends readings to your energy supplier automatically
A Most bills are Pi based on estimates. Most major suppliers insist on an actual reading of the gas meter at least every 12 months, and your contract will include a liability for underestimated bills. Although the first red letter will insist on immediate payment, companies are obliged to be accommodating, and will happily find a way of helping you to pay the debt over an
Q
I bought a takeaway away salad, but when I got it home I found insects inside. What compensation am Ientitled to?
A Normally, customers are offered a new salad in a straight swap, but you may have lost your appetite by this stage! I'd request a complete refund and a complementary voucher. Your legal entitlement is to a cash refund or replacement on demand, but highstreet stores are often much more accommodating. Be a brave complainer— if they offer a £5 voucher, raise a quizzical eyebrow and punt for a £10 one. The world rewards a complainer!
A recent edition of Channel 5's The Wright Stuff saw its regular host Matthew go off fishing and yours truly stand in as host. Now, while no ties are required, matching shoes are considered standard. Maybe it was the early hour, but when I arrived on set I noticed that not only were my shoes both left ones, but they didn't even match.
Am I just a tired dad or, according to new US research, a failed shoplifter? It seems that shoehunting thieves Stateside are going to great lengths to steal display shoes from different stores in the same chain to make up a pair. If only I'd done that, I wouldn't have had to borrow Matthew's size 12s —three sizes too big. I certainly filled his shoes that morning, but did anyone notice? •
Start treating loose change with respect—it's amazing how quickly it adds up
Saving is a chore—you know you need to start, but there are always nice things to spend your extra cash on. This is where you have to get cunning and come up with ways of kidding yourself into saving money without even realising it. Here are my sneaky tricks...
Pay yourself first. Set up a direct debit so that a day after your wages are paid into your account, you move a percentage of them straight into your savings. That way, it's like you never had the money in the first place and you won't miss it. Get cash back. If you use a cashback credit card or shop through cashback websites, make sure that when you get that money back it goes straight in your savings account. If you don't do either of these things you should start right now—it's free money. Try sites such as ECashback and Quidco for the best offers. Lighten the load. Got a purse full of coppers? At the end of every week, empty all your small change out of your purse and put it in a piggy bank—it saves having to carry it around with you. Plus, because it's only small change, you won't miss it. You'll be amazed at how much you can
"It's the little things that add up—redeeming vouchers, checking receipts, the diamond mine at the bottom of the garden"
accumulate in a few weeks. Every couple of months, take all the money and pay it into your savings account, so it starts earning you interest.
Exercise and save. If you walk, cycle or get a free lift for a journey that you'd usually pay for, put the fare or equivalent petrol money into your savings. So if you'd have paid £3 for a bus journey, put that money in your piggy bank. By cycling to and from work for a month, you could save yourself over £100—and get fit!
Curb your urge to splurge. Instead of forking out £3.50 for a coffee on the way to work, take your own in a flask and put the money into your savings account. The same goes for your lunch—if you make it every day for work instead of buying it,
you can save yourself over £1,000 a year! And chances are, what you make yourself will be a lot healthier than the lunch you buy (never underestimate the amount of salt, fat and preservatives in packaged sandwiches). Set up a bad-habits box. It could be just a swear box or it could be a chocolate, fast food or crisps box.
Whatever your vice, fine yourself something when you indulge. Find money you didn't know you had.
Research from MoneyExpert.com shows that Britons have over £4bn worth of loyalty-card points, gift vouchers, credit notes, coupons and air miles lying around. So hunt down and use up all that "free money"!
Find out how to get a decent return on your savings by listening to JASMINE BIRTLES' PODCAST at readersdigest.co.0 k/ magazine
There are so many brilliant apps out there—some more serious than others!—including a host of fabulous thrifty aids.
■ Citywire Selection is a new independent guide to the best 130 investment funds in the UK, selected by a panel of six impartial experts. This app is clear and easy to use, allowing you to compare funds, chart their performance over time, and get the view of Citywire's panel on each one.
■ Quidco is a great app that'll see you get paid just for checking in to certain shops! Discover cashback offers, voucher codes and meal deals for free.
RedLaser allows you to compare prices by scanning products, so you can check that you're getting the best deal while you're shopping. It's free and has been downloaded by 19 million shoppers.
▪ MyGas allows you to search for the closest and cheapest petrol station to you. Fuel prices can differ greatly, so this free app will save you from paying over the odds when you fill up.
sr Skype has been a desktop favourite for some years now, but it's also now available as an app. Phone calls, video calls and instant messaging are available on the move.
Nosey Parker shows you all the free parking spaces in your current location. It costs £2.99, but with today's parking charges it'll pay for itself in one use.
Vouchercloud uses GPS to find the very best deals for restaurants and shops close to you, so you need never pay over the odds again.
Fuel School can save you up to 10% on your fuel bill by using GPS to analyse your driving style and calculate your fuel efficiency. It
4 then provides tips on how to drive more economically, saving you money on every tank. Fuel School costs 69p. Toptable Restaurant Finder searches the area you're in for the nearest restaurants and finds those
Why not save money and the environment by using lemon, vinegar, baking soda and other natural ingredients to clean your home? I'm doing it more and more, as I'm appalled by the price of commercial cleaning products.
offering the very best deals. Best of all, it's free! 0870 costs just 69p and will save you a fortune on those annoying premium-rate numbers. You simply type in the number you need to call and the app will produce a list of local-rate numbers for the same company.
1. White vinegar. If, like me, you live in a hard-water area, you'll know how tough it is to shift limescale. Neat white vinegar is ideal for getting rid of soap scum and limescale deposits on baths and sinks.
Luckily, it also absorbs odours, so won't leave a nasty, lingering smell. In the bathroom, remove the shower head and soak it in vinegar until the limescale is removed. I also use it to descale my kettle. Just pour it in, diluting with an equal amount of water. Leave it in the kettle for at least an hour, then pour out and rinse the kettle at least five times with clean water (I boil it for the last two of those times).
2. Baking soda. This is great for unblocking drains. Simply pour
"We're going to need a little more baking soda, dear"
300m1 down the drain along with a little hot water. Leave it overnight and then flush it through with plenty more hot water. It's also useful for grimy surfaces—just apply a bit to a damp sponge and wipe deposits away. For stubborn marks, make a paste by adding water to the baking soda, then apply it to the surface and leave for 15 minutes before wiping off.
3.Rubbing alcohol. Mixed with equal amounts of water and white vinegar, this can be used to clean mirrors (especially horrid hairspray residue), glass, chrome fixtures and ceramic tiles. It's also great for cleaning venetian blinds, and it's a cheap alternative to de-icer—just pour some into a plant sprayer with a little water and apply to your windscreen. It's worth asking in your local chemist for rubbing alcohol, but it's widely available on Amazon in small or bulk quantities.
4.Salt. This is good for pouring on grease spots to absorb and prevent staining. If you drop red wine on a carpet, blot up all moisture immediately and sprinkle the area with salt. Let the stain sit for 15 minutes. The salt should absorb any remaining wine in the carpet (turning pink as a result). Then clean the entire area with a mixture of % cup white vinegar and % cup water.
5.Lemon juice. Believe it or not, lemon juice makes a handy furniture polish. Add 125m1 lemon juice to 250m1 olive oil, give the mixture a good shake, and apply to the surface with a clean cloth. Then simply polish it dry as normal. Lemon juice also buffs up solid brass and copper. Cut a lemon in half, sprinkle some salt onto the exposed part, and rub into the surface. Add more salt to the lemon as required. Once finished, rinse the brass or copper with water and leave to dry.
...is insulate your home. Summer is the best time as there are cheap offers around, and it won't matter if it's draughty while you're doing it. Insulating your home now will ensure you don't get caught out in winter. Demand for materials rises in the autumn and prices go up, so lag your pipes and check seals around windows and doors. Check out Wickes for special offers on loft insulation. Also, British Gas offer free loft and cavitywall insulation for their customers (britishgas.co.uk/ freeinsulation).
Get 10% off great furniture at Oak Furniture Solutions (oakfurniture solutions.co.uk) with our exclusive code
It's available until September 14, so get in quick!
Long-Term Refinancing Option is a tool that's been used by the European Central Bank during the ongoing euro crisis. The ECB lends money at a low interest rate to eurozone banks. They can use this cheap money to buy higher-yielding assets and make profits, or to lend more money to businesses that could help return the real economy to growth. ■
Jasmine Birtles is a personal finance writer and the founder of moneymagpie.com
Let's get straight to the point: a lot of people won't have heard of burrata, which is a great pity. It's a quality mozzarella that translates as butter in Italian. I promise that you'll never want to buy ordinary mozzarella ever again once you've tasted this. And you'll notice that I use white balsamic vinegar in this recipe. This is because it has low acidity and high sweetness, and I find it less obtrusive than the more usual dark balsamic.
The beauty of this dish is that it's simple, but sophisticated at the same time—rather like me I hear you saying! Where you need to apply some skill is assembling it on the plate. Frankly, I can think of nothing better than this salad on a glorious summer's day or as a light supper at any time of the year. The sweetness of the peaches (try your best to find white peaches, which are infinitely superior) contrasts spectacularly with the salty Parma ham.
August is not the most subtle of months—but this is a subtle dish. As you put the plates down in front of your guests you could mention quietly how this salad reminds you of the Amalfi Coast: layers of beauty, but with a hint of decadence thrown in. That part of Italy is famous for its mozzarella, too.
Marco Pierre White, the "godfather" of modern British cooking, is a restaurateur and TV personality
4 extra-ripe peaches (preferably white)
400g of burrata (buy it online at Waitrose, or use a good-quality mozzarella if you can't find any)
1 bag organic rocket
50m1 white
balsamic vinegar
100mlextra-virgin olive oil (plus oil to drizzle over ham)
16 slices
Parma ham
Freshly ground pepper
1.Cut each peach into 4 large pieces and leave them at room temperature
2. Roughly divide the burrata into 4 large pieces
3. Wash the rocket and dry in a salad spinner
4. Make a light dressing by whisking the vinegar and oil together. Season.
S. Place the burrata and peach on each plate, then drape around the slices of ham. Drizzle with olive oil and ground black pepper.
6. Dress the rocket and gently scatter over the peaches, ham and cheese. ■
If you prefer a warm element, pan-fry the peaches in olive oil until golden, then deglaze the pan with a touch of the white balsamic. This will add a lovely, caramelised flavour
'b'qk
Children wearing you out? You're never alone online...
A Knackered Mothers' Wine Club just about says it all—and with three kids under eight, Helen McGinn certainly qualifies for the title. To turn it into a buzzy blog shows that there are many in a similar situation. "Fridge-door whites" and "In-therack reds" are regularly suggested, and to describe natural
wines as having "no tweezing, waxing, highlighting or bodysculpting" displays an unpretentious style. Helen previously travelled the world as a Tesco wine buyer, and is a judge for the International Wine Challenge. Her current tips are crisp, bright whites, including Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Albarino (E7.99) and Tesco's Falanghina (E6.75).
See knackeredmotherswineclub.blogspot.co.uk for more.
Wonder what to do with old wine corks (some 13 million of which SEATS! are popped annually)? Then be inspired by the summer pavilion at the Serpentine Gallery in London's Kensington Gardens. The remarkable triumvirate who designed the Bird's Nest stadium for the Beijing Olympics—Swiss architects Jacques Herzog and Pierre de Meuron, in tandem with Chinese artist Ai Weiwei—have created a split-level installation made purely from cork, including steps, walkways, walls and champagnecork-shaped seats. It's in situ until October 14.
44wiaiii
Long summer days see 333 million extra pints of beer and lager being downed, alongside 67 million litres of wine. Throw i the Jubilee, Euro 2012, and Olympics and we've never had more excuses for a tipple. Fortunately, an NHS survey (nhs.uk/livewel /alcohol) recently found, among other things, that 36% of us like to drink for the taste, rather than the 21% who use alcohol to relieve tension, and 6% who reach for the bottle to get Brahms & Liszt! Well, there's honesty for you! •
Nigel Barden is the food and drink presenter on Simon Mayo's show on BBC Radio 2, and chairman of the Great Taste Awards
Ernesto Zollo
Softcover
ISBN: 9781456774455
n Ernesto Zollo's exp nce colour has hidden power and energy that is not used often by people. Secrets of Colours shares his understanding of colour energy with you. Using colour energy to enhance thoughts and mind power is easy to do.
Secrets of Colours is definitely worth the read, especially for artists and lovers of art who appreciate the beauty of color and the ways it enhances our lives, as well as for those students who are on a journey to understand how color affects i ersal energy. - BLUEINK REVIEW
Leonardo Deangelo
Softcover
ISBN: 9781467890137
Ifollow Sam and Spot to" the beautiful, magical and dangerous land of the Lost Valley on their grand adventure that will capture your heart and imagination. Will you dare enter the lost valley, or will you run in fright?
"Though filled with danger and death, the "Lost Valley" of the title is no match for an intrepid boy and his dog, who eventually come home from their adventure, safe and sound, only to run out and play baseball with friends." - FOREWORD CLARION REVIEWS
• —
Leonardo Deangelo
Softcover
ISBN: 9781456788032
This great story of adventure, love, friendship and magic will capture your heart and imagination as your mind travels on the adventure with Sam and Spot. Experience another world inside our own with Sam and Spot.
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How can you store potatoes and keep them in perfect condition?
I grow most vegetables quite well, but I can't get potatoes to keep very long—if they don't rot, they're withered with long sprouts by Christmas. I pack them in bags and keep them in my shed, but do I need a proper root cellar?
AThe first possibility could be that _ you're applying too much water and too much fertiliser—this will make tubers watery and more likely to rot. Or maybe you're lifting them during damp weather and not drying them off to harden their skins— leave them in the sun for an hour after digging. Packing them in plastic
bags would make them rot. Paper is safer, though it disintegrates if too damp, so woven plastic sacks are best. If kept in too dry a place, tubers will wither; if warm, they will sprout (cool is good; too cold or freezing is bad). They also need complete darkness or again they sprout, and if light gets to them they green up and become poisonous. A cool, not-toodry, dark cellar is ideal. I keep mine in a dead deep-freezer in a shed.
el I have a small front garden
Ila= that I'm clearing and replanting with low-growing plants to provide no hiding places in the hope of preventing opportunistic break-ins. I want something unpleasant under my windows to deter trespassers, which mustn't grow too big. A friend said it was possible to grow a cactus here. Can I?
ASurprisingly, this is true —prickly pears have several fairly hardy species that Prickly pear cactus can deter burglars
will survive mild winters if kept dry, as wet is their enemy (I had some thrive for many years at the base of a sunny hedge). Under a window would be perfect for them if it's also sunny. You might also consider Agaves. In sun or even light shade you could plant yuccas or the strange citrus relation Poncirus, which has a curious architectural form —white-scented, lemon-like flowers and huge spines. If it's very shady, try a gooseberry bush or, better still, a Worcesterberry (the same thing but even more prickly).
My garden is being destroyed by two badgers who come almost every night. The lawn is a disaster. In desperation, I've fixed chicken netting all the way round the garden inside my hedge, but they force their way under, through and over it. What can I do?
Al gather you shouldn't have used the netting as it could be construed as "interfering" with their trail. But I guess you really put it up to keep chickens in...
As you notice, you can't keep badgers out—or, by law, do much to dissuade them. Some automatic movement-operated garden lights installed for your safety might work, as could a small yappy dog. I've even heard of some people sneaking dog food into neighbours' gardens, but that's probably immoral as well as illegal!
Bob Flowerdew is an organic gardener and a regular on BBC Radio 4's Gardeners' Question Time. Send your gardening questions to Bob at excerpts@readersdigest.co.uk
With luck, we can And, of course, for take it easy this barbecues. When month—often the you're done, put weeds don't grow bones and bits on much, nor the lawn. the dying embers Flowers may need to bake, then dead-heading and spread the cooled there's always the ashes on the rose watering. But this bed, under fruit or is mostly a time over the vegetable for picking, pickling plot for their huge and preserving. mineral value.
Once your greenhouse tomatoes have finished fruiting, pull them up and plant early purple sprouting broccoli in their place. You'll have a lovely crop around February or March, untouched by hungry birds or caterpillars. Submitted by Anne Stratford, Shropshire •
>> Email your gardening tips and ideas— with photos, if possible—to excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk. We'll pay £70 if we use them on this page.
J. Arthur Moore
Softcover I 9781462874545
Price: $19.99 Pages: 160
Eleven-year-old Duane Kinkade enters the Civil War in search of his father, but faces the mind-numbing explosion of battle, with death of a close friend, fear and chaos, injury to himself, and an unexpected deep friendship—just the beginning of life in an army on the move.
Larry Ellerbee
Softcover 1 9781456874698
Price: $15.99 Pages: 48
Learn the secret in receiving easily 10 Guidelines On How to Receive From God! Here, the author has outlined ten of God's instructions for you to follow to have immediate success.
Veronica Calayan
Softcover I 9781465350398
Price: $23.99 Pages: 693
Serenity by Veronica Calayan is about a young woman's introversion that is brought about by her mother's death. She ponders her life under the maple tree Serenity, unconsciously awaiting romance and re-awakening
Fritz Scheffel
Softcover I 9781469139043
Price: $19.99 Pages: 129
An in-depth analysis on the declining state of American health care industry and existing health care policy among American people is discussed in a unique approach in Health Care 911.
James Robinson
softcover 19781450020008
Price: $15.99 Pages: 53
Author James Robinson relives the good old days on the ranch as he shares Memoirs of a Texas Cowboy, an engaging book that details the story of his life in the ranches of Texas.
Tina A. Morgan
Softcover I 9781465365385
Price: $17.49 Pages: 34
Will Sammy, a wild banana slug, discover the purpose for his life?
Find out as you follow the adventures of The Sophisticated Slug in Tina A. Morgan's adorable picture book!
Near the coast this month? Then look out for baby gannets—out in force
The UK's gannet colonies are one of the most spectacular gatherings on earth, and this month the young gannets ("gugas") will be leaving the nest.
Two-thirds of gannets come to about 20 main "gannetries" in Britain to breed—there are some 150,000 on the Bass Rock in the Firth of Forth alone. To see this huge bird, with its six-foot wingspan, plunge into the water at 60mph and streak after fish, followed by a boiling trail of bubbles, is sensational. To avoid
stunning themselves, they have a layer of air sacs between their skin and skull—a sort of internal bubble wrap. Gannets aren't picky in their choice of nesting material. In the 17th century, it was reported that one nest contained "a red coat, a brass sundial, an arrow and some molucca beans"! Today, gannets often use discarded fishing nets, which, sadly, sometimes trap adults and strangle gugas. After nesting, they head south for winter, and can be seen all around our coasts.
THIS MONTH'S OLYMPIC GAMES will be flashed around the world as they happen. But in the ancient Olympics, news of winners was carried by messenger pigeons. Their ability to reliably navigate home has been exploited throughout the ages. In the Siege of Paris (1870-1871), over a million messages were carried high above the Prussian lines, despite the Prussians sending up specially trained birds of prey to attack them. In the First World War, the US army's pigeon Cher Ami managed to deliver a crucial message despite being shot and wounded, saving the lives of around 200 soldiers. So important was their wartime work that "killing, wounding or molesting homing pigeons" was punishable by a £100 fine or six months in prison.
The rol¢of pigeons is marked by the Animals In War memorial in Park Lane, London
Some 200,000 British pigeons "served" in the Second World War, but in 1948 the military Pigeon Policy Committee finally decided that these fine birds were of no further use.
Incredibly, there are more species (1,800) of lichen in the UK than there are flowering plants. But what exactly is it? Lichen is a mutually beneficial relationship between two very different organisms: a fungus and an alga (occasionally a bacterium), and won't form unless both are present. The two are inextricably entwined. As some experts say, think of microscopic spaghetti and peas mixed together—fungus being the spaghetti and peas the alga. The fungus protects the alga and the alga photosynthesises to make food for them both.
Reproduction is tricky for a lichen: the brilliantly coloured fruiting bodies only produce fungal spores, so when the spores land they can't grow unless they meet up with a bit of alga (which seems unlikely!). Luckily, they produce other reproductive structures that contain a bit of both the fungus and the alga ("propagules")—think peas and spaghetti inside a coating, like a microscopic Cornish 4 pasty—which are spread by wind, rain and animals.
Get a lens and have a closer look (graveyards are a rich source), or find out more at opalexplorenature.org/lichen guide or britishlichens.co.uk ■
r.Martin Hughes-Games is a host of BBC2's Springwatch and Autumn watch
With austerity starting to bite, sharing can be both a saving and a joy
A friend asked her two-year-old daughter Edie what they'd done at playgroup that day. Edie rolled her eyes in despair. "More sharing," she sighed.
Well, most of us feel like that sometimes, but last year Time magazine named the "sharing economy" as one of the "ten ideas that will change the world". Shifting focus from buying to borrowing, economists estimate that sharing is already worth £7Obn.
In today's tough times, sharing can make life easier, cheaper and more fun. It makes us feel good, too, releasing oxytocin—a hormone associated with love and sex—which increases well-being. Studies show that reciprocal giving can also improve physical health.
When it comes to sharing, social networks generally attract the hype—unsurprising, considering we send a whopping 400m tweets a day and upload 300m pics to Facebook. But swapping ideas and tapping talent is the new frontier.
Whether it's bikes, books, cars, cash, or even pets, we all have something to give. After all, sharing's a great way to make meaningful connections, too! Here are some of my favourite ways so far:
• Slivers.com offers a timebank of local opportunities through a super-easy platform based on old-world "same time, same place" commitment to volunteering. Fancy giving three hours? You'll get back 180 minutes of traded time to use as you choose.
• Actress Lily Cole has started social network impossible.com to trade kindness as currency,
in much the same way that investor and Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales aimed to gift knowledge. Post a wish—such as, "I wish to learn Spanish"—and anyone in your local network can offer help.
• Thepeoplewhoshare. corn is on a mission to take sharing mainstream, and their compareandshare. corn project provides a marketplace—for example, car sharing, skill swapping and "shwopping" (buy something and give something back).
• For stuff that you can't, don't or won't use, join ecomodo.com's community of "Lenders" and "Borrowers and share goods, skills and spaces. Trade with the whole network or in special "lending circles", such as your street, office or gym. Check out uk.freecycle. org or streetbank.com for great alternatives.
It's not too late to share the Summer of Sport online. If you, a friend or family member could do with a little helping hand, try the BBC's supersimple guides at bbc.co.uk/ giveanhour or ask a friend or family member to use go-on.co.uk/champions to help show you how
Zipca
• Couchsurfing.org started a movement of explorers upping their cultural knowhow on a shoestring by staying with a local, and airbnb.co.uk has connected people in over 19,000 cities across 192 countries. It was started back in 2007 by three guys with airbeds in San Francisco, who decided to offer
DON'T JUST ZIPPING SIT THERr°
&lib deo -
their place, a nice breakfast and local knowledge to a few strangers. Five years on, five million nights have been booked. Try its "social connections" tool for peer-to-peer reviews, pick a place and get packing!
Myfriendshotel.com
helps you find a host with shared interests. If camping's your bag, campinmygarden. corn turns backyards into "micro-campsites", which vary from "bamping" (basic camping), to "glamping" (glamorous camping).
• Let your home while on holiday using a site such as roomorama.com, or make an exchange using homelink.org.uk or homeexchange.com.
For a sumptuous pad, try onefinestay.com or use eventfulstays.com to search by event.
• Zipcar.com offers pay-as-you-go access to a range of low-carbon vehicles. Each and every Zipcar takes at least 20 personally owned vehicles off the road, and it's estimated that its 650,000 members across the UK, US and Canada save nearly £3,600 a year compared with the cost of running and maintaining a car! •
Martha Lane Fox is the UK's digital champion and chairs Go ON UK (go-on-uk.org)
Where did our speed restrictions come from, and how do they compare?
The idea of a speed limit is almost as old as the motor car itself. Here in the UK we invented the road-speed limit, so we have no one to blame but ourselves. The UK's 1861 Locomotive Act first introduced a 10mph speed limit for "light locomotives", but this was swiftly reduced to 4mph in rural areas and a whopping 2mph in towns, with all cars accompanied, famously, by a man waving a red flag.
Sign of t he times: the 70mp h limit has been in place for nearly 5 0 years
And where there are speed limits there are speeding tickets. The first to suffer such ignominy was one Walter Arnold of East Peckham, Kent. On January 28,1896, he was ticketed for travelling at a scandalous 8mph. I wonder how he'd have felt if he'd known that,116 years later, people would still be talking about it.
By 1930, higher speed limits were being so universally ignored that they were abolished completely. Between 1931 and 1965, Britain's road
network had no speed limit at all outside of urban areas, but a series of accidents in fog in 1965 helped introduce the 70mph limit we have today.
Our top limit is relatively eventempered compared with the rest of Europe. In Iceland they restrict speed to a top whack of just 56mph, but in Italy you can spin up to 93mph on parts of the autostrada.
Is there anywhere left in Europe that doesn't have speed limits? Well, the legendary German autobahn still has long unrestricted sections. Britain's Autocar magazine has taken a Bugatti Veyron hypercar to 227mph on a derestricted section of autobahn (and has the video on their website to prove it).
But way back in 1896, that sort of speed was just a fantasy. That year, after some heavy lobbying from the Daimler Motor Company, a new act was passed. It raised the speed limit to 14mph, and finally removed the need for a man with a red flag. To celebrate, a car run from London to Brighton took place. That moment is commemorated every year as the London to Brighton Veteran Car Run (left).
Jeep Grand Cherokee SRT (£58,995)
Perhaps you're a person who seeks more grunt in your
life. If so, you should turn your gaze to this monster—its limited production means that in the UK it should be as rare as penguin teeth. Jeep's new Grand Cherokee rugged SUV has been given the SRT treatment, which means shoving a 461bhp V8 engine in the front. 160mph and built like a tank? Grrrr...
9 o V Aston Martin Vanquish (V89,95) There are few things in life more important than the announcement of a new top-ofthe-range Aston Martin. The anquish name last saw active service in 2007 on a legendarily brutal supercar. This new one is sleek, modern, has a body of carbon fibre, and features a very welcome interior upgrade. Your new dream car has arrived.
Dacia Duster (0,995) Never heard of Dacia? A Romanian brand given new life in the last few years by Renault, it's having huge success with no-frills cars at budget prices. This SUV is coming to the UK along with the Sandero supermini. Don't expect many creature comforts, but do blink twice at an SUV that's £7,600 cheaper than an equivalent Nissan Qashqai. Order books are open now.
SIT TIGHT!
"What on earth is that?" you may ask. As the search for alternative transport goes on, it's throwing up all sorts of odd stuff. This little thing is the Honda Uni-Cub, a working version of a concept machine unveiled a couple of years ago. It's suggested that it could replace walking, like the Segway Transporter. But whereas the Segway has you standing aloft on a raised plate, the Uni-Cub sees you sitting down, balanced on just two wheels. I can't escape the image of people sitting on a mobile toilet. •
Conor McNicholasJust when I thought I'd finally got the hang of it, the boom smacked into my head, I did a backwards somersault into the sea, and my dinghy capsized.
My fiancé Colin and I had decided to go to Neilson's Club Teos, on the gulf of Sigacik in Turkey, both for the activities and for the history. Some 30 miles south of Izmir, Club Teos lies on a stunning part of the Aegean coast, where guests can try out a multitude of watersports—although there's plenty to do away from the water, too. On the days when limbs needed resting, we enjoyed exploring the region's historic sites.
Despite being (fairly) seasoned windsurfers, we felt that not to try all of the activities on offer would be a missed opportunity. During our two-week stay, we learned to sail—first on the Laser Fun Boats (which even I couldn't capsize), then on the Laser Picos (a single-person dinghy that I definitely could capsize) and finally on the Laser Bahias (a multi-crewed boat).
Club Teos in Sigacik, a hive of activity for Helen and fiancé Colin (inset)
We went water-skiing and kayaking, too, and were fortunate enough—depending on your viewpoint—to see barracudas while out snorkelling and diving. We also made the most of the free tennis coaching, entered a triathlon, and explored the area on the readily available mountain bikes.
It was during one of these outings
Neilson Active Holidays has seven nights at Teos beachclub from £449pp, including return flights from Gatwick, shared transfers and most meals (0844 879 8155; neilson.co.uk).
Helen Keeling from Hampshire took the plunge with a Turkish holiday
that we stumbled across the remains of the Ionian city of Teos, founded at least 1,000 years BC. But it was our trip to Ephesus that really brought the ancient world to life. Just a twohour drive from our resort, the ruins are incredibly well preserved.
Highlights were the Grand Theatre (still in use today) and the beautiful Library of Celsus. We ended our trip to Ephesus by visiting what little remains (a few bits of column) of the Temple of Artemis, one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Send us a photo of your favourite holiday, tell us briefly what made it so special, and if we include it on this page we'll pay you £70. See address on page 4.
If you play the waiting game, Mallorca Farmhouses has a series of discounts sure to hit the spot. To fill late availability, the Iberian self-catering specialist offers up to 50% off standard rates (when you book in the same week as you go), down to 10% off for four weeks in advance. At the time of writing, 40% off the five-bedroom Sa Sinia reduced the price by more than £760 to £1,149 (0845 800 8080; mallorca.co.uk).
Bristol Balloon Fiesta, shortlisted as one of Visit England's events of the year, returns on August 9-12, with around 100 hot-air balloons. Thursday and Saturday evenings have Night Glows, where secure balloons light up to music; on Friday, planes create displays with fireworks and smoke trails from their wings. Food stalls and a funfair also ensure on-the-ground entertainment (bristolballoonfiesta.co.uk).
Small travel operators typically offer "trip extensions"—short trips added to a longer holiday for a nominal cost. Now, Intrepid Travel has parcelled its brief trips into a brochure of stand-alone breaks without further commitment. For example, their three-day Petra break is from £383pp; a Thai cookery class in Chiang Mai costs just £50pp for two days, flights not included (0800 7811660; intrepidtravel.co.uk).
travelmoneymax.com Money-saving expert Martin Lewis is the brains behind this currency-exchange-comparison website.
Its brilliance is its simplicity: choose your amount, in pounds or foreign currency; specify whether you want it delivered or to collect; then hit search to see a list of options, showing exactly how far your money will go at today's rates. There are useful advice sections, plus Buyback and Currency Converter tools. ■
Al-Amine Mohammed Abba Seid
Softcover I 9781467885669
Price: $18.73 Pages: 160
www.authorhouse.co.uk
A lot has been done and said about the so-called War on Terror and Muslim-West relations, from Western perspectives. Now read Islamic Terrorism and the Tangential Response of tire West for a glimpse into the state of mind of a typical Muslim as citizen of this world.
Rob Murphy
Softcover I 9781456782115
Price: $26.94 Pages: 500
www.authorhouse.co.uk
Chronicles of the Fallen
Rebellion
Aya Lancaster
Softcover19781456779498
Price: $36.05 Pages: 676
www.authorhouse.co.uk
UtterCommon Sense
Roy Ashworth
Softcover I 9781456784539
Price: $20.22 Pages: 204
www.authorhouse.co.uk
Ezryan fell from Heaven, sent to obtain a forbidden Secret that could strengthen the Hell's reign over humans. Centuries after his death, a prophecy leads others along his trail. From another world to the depth of the abyss, it's a race to survive the Great War between Heaven and Hell. This book encourages clear argument and successful communication. Use the concepts to persuade bosses and clients. "Those with enough self-awareness to realize they don't present well will get the most from this book."
Storm Frost
P M. Sabin Moore
Softcover I 9781438959955
Price: £8.99 Pages: 260
www.authorhouse.co.uk
Here is a tale of love and betrayal, courage and fear. Niartha, outcast, encounters hardship, abuse and loss as she seeks her exiled lover. Her survival depends on her practical skills, unexpected in a kingS daughter.
The novel is based on the earliest love story in English, and turns it into a dangerous quest.
When a massive new oil deposit large enough to power the world for the next 100 years is discovered, political turmoil and terrorist activity run rampant. Grudges, bombings and assassinations break out as government is engulfed by a maelstrom it cannot contain.
The Sacred Journey
Searching for your Soul MateAn Allegory of Truths
Michael Thompson
Softcover I 9781456798659
Price: £6.50 Pages: 96
www.authorhouse.co.uk
Whether you are in search of a new relationship or looking to rejuvenate the bonding qualities with your current partner, The Sacred Journey will rekindle the desires of your heart and strengthen you with insights with its "allegory of truths."
AUGUST FICTION REVIEWED BY A N WILSON EXTRACTS FROM OUR FAVOURITE NEW RELEASES STORY OF THE ATOM BOMB AND WHY OUR BRAINS CAN'T UNDERSTAND OUR BRAINS BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE: CHRISTOPHER FOWLER
(Little, Brown, £16.99) In the latest thriller from bestselling Mark Billingham, three illassorted couples meet on a Florida beach holiday, and unwisely agree to join up for the odd dinner party when they return to darkest Croydon. Florida had been fun, except that on the last day a local teenage girl was murdered. Back home, the evenings they spend together
grow increasingly nightmarish. But after a second teenage girl gets killed a sort of 21stcentury Abigail's Party turns really nasty. This is a superbly plotted book—and don't think for a minute that the mystery is solved when the characters find one of their number holding a bloody knife and another dead on the kitchen floor...
The Kingmaker's Daughter by Philippa Gregory (Simon & Schuster, £18.99) Addicts of Philippa Gregory's compelling Wars of the Roses series have eagerly awaited this book about Anne Neville: the sometime wife of Edward, Prince of Wales, and later married to Richard III. They will not be disappointed.
Beware of friendships made on holiday, warns \id k's• I III w".e)
In Shakespeare, Richard is the story's pantomime villain—but not here. When Anne first meets him, he's a handsome, curly-headed 18-year-old, while the novel's undoubted baddie is Edward IV's Queen, Elizabeth Woodville. So who murdered the princes in the Tower, then? This is only one of the puzzles that will keep you whizzing through a spellbinding historical reconstruction— which, without ever straining after paradox, questions many of our
With the eyes of the world (and even of other parts of Britain) on London, August is a good month to read one of the great modern portraits of the city in all its variety. White Teeth—funny, wise and teeming with terrific stories—would have been astonishing enough from any writer. From a 25-year-old first-time novelist, it still seems little short of miraculous. When Zadie Smith (left) published the book in 2000, many critics reached for the word "Dickensian"—and, for once, they weren't far wrong.
PETER MACDIARMID/ REX FEATUR ESassumptions about what we thought we knew.
The real-life plot here is pretty good. Liza Klaussmann, a chic, rich American journalist, descends on London, attends a creative writing course, holds a cocktail party to choose the best literary agent—and sells her first novel in a frenzied publishers' auction.
As for the book itself, it's loosely based on Klaussmann's own family history from the 1940s to
the late 1960s—with some deliberate pastiches of Scott Fitzgerald used to heighten the alcoholfuelled shenanigans of this over-privileged set. Will the hype ("Six-figure sum paid for first novel") backfire and encourage bitchy reviews by envious British hacks? Or does the novel, against all likelihood, turn out to be a wellconstructed, beautifully observed page-turner of real literary merit?
I surprised myself by plumping for the latter. Yes, the publicity is excessive. But yes, too, this is a very impressive achievement, genuinely shocking and at the same time moving.
The Dinner by Herman Koch (Atlantic, £12.99)
This Dutch black comedy has already sold more than a million copies throughout Europe. Wrenchingly funny and bleak, it's the tale of a repulsive politician on the verge of real success going out for dinner with his brother and their wives. At first it seems that all we have to worry about is an awful row between the politician and his wife. But much, much worse is to come—as it emerges that the couples are meeting to discuss their two teenage boys, who recently attacked and set fire to a vagrant woman. Inky depths are plumbed, then, but the darker the whole thing gets, the more your sides will be splitting. The result is a novel that's both hugely accomplished and surprisingly subtle. o,
Can you name the author from these clues? (And, of course, the fewer you need, the better.)
1.She was Britain's bestselling fiction-writer of the 1980s.
2. Her first and second names begin with consecutive letters of the alphabet—and she's not Barbara Cartland.
3. Her latest book The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year is out in paperback later this month. Answer on p148
In August 1945, the deadliest weapons in human history were dropped on Japan. A riveting new book tells the whole cataclysmic story
When Harry Truman became the US president in April 1945, following the death of Franklin Roosevelt, he was taken aside by the War Secretary, Henry Stimson. America, Stimson told him, had been secretly developing "an explosive of almost unbelievable power". Although he'd been vicepresident for more than a year, it was the first Truman had heard of the atom bomb.
Meanwhile, in Hiroshima and Nagasaki, there was puzzlement as to why, with most other Japanese cities being bombed daily, theirs had remained untouched. (One theory in Nagasaki was that the West didn't want to harm the city's 12,000 Christians.) In fact, they'd been spared because the Americans wanted the targets for the new weapons to be "mostly intact, to demonstrate the awesome destructive power of an atomic bomb".
This double perspective—from both the American and Japanese points of view—continues throughout Hiroshima Nagasaki. The research is meticulous, but, like Antony Beevor in Stalingrad and D-Day, Paul Ham (above right) always balances the political, military and scientific background with the human stories. The result is popular history at its most gripping.
Ham is no dispassionate chronicler. Some of the Americans involved did have moral qualms—but they kept them to themselves (and their diaries). "Total war," notes Ham dryly, "had debased everyone." More controversially, he doesn't think the atom bombs were militarily necessary. The traditional defence is that an invasion of Japan might have cost a million American lives. But, according to Ham, an invasion wasn't necessary either. Japan would have been defeated—perhaps was defeated—anyway.
And here's one of the book's many great set pieces. In the early hours of July 16,1945, with the decision already taken to use the bomb, only one question remained: would it work? A group of
The Lord of the Flies by William Golding It's sometimes forgotten that this is a nuclear-war novel. But, as Piggy puts it in Chapter One: "Didn't you hear what the pilot said? About the atom bomb? They're all dead."
On the Beach by Nevil Shute In a crowded field, this is perhaps the bleakest nuclearholocaust novel of them all. Unexpectedly, the war starts with a nuclear attack on Italy by Albania.
military men and scientists from the "Manhattan Project" drove to the New Mexican desert to find out: or
t The newcomers went through the bomb drill, read ID aloud by torchlight. At the short siren—'minus five minutes to Zero'—all observers were to prepare 'a suitable place to lie down on'; at the long siren—'minus two minutes to Zero'—all were 'to lie prone on the ground...the head away from Zero'. Sunburn lotion was passed around. Welders' goggles and special sunglasses were issued.
The mood wavered between faith and doubt. General Groves [the director of the Manhattan Project] thought of how he would react if the count reached zero and nothing happened. 'I was spared that embarrassment,' he later wrote. Nervous scientists prayed their own input would not be responsible for a dud. A hundred of them had placed bets on the force of the blast. Groves found the gambling distasteful; one scientist, in black comic mood, angered him by taking bets on whether the bomb would ignite the atmosphere and destroy New Mexico, or the world. In fact, Groves had warned the state governor that he might have to declare martial law if a disaster were to occur. As the deadline approached, everyone—'Christian, Jew and Atheist'—prayed 'harder than they had ever prayed before'.
Top: the first mushroom cloud in history—New Mexico, July 16, 1945. Above: General Groves at the site with chief scientist Robert Oppenheimer Hiroshima Nagasaki by Paul Ham is published by Doubleday at £25
The first man-made nuclear explosion detonated at 5.29 and 45 seconds. Within a millionth of a second the 32 detonation points on the outer sphere fired, triggering a chain reaction inside the plutonium core. Radiation waves fled the casing at the speed of light. Billions of neutrons liberated billions more in conditions that resembled 'the universe moments after its first primordial explosion'. The nuclear dawn was visible 400 kilometres away in Santa Fe; a blind woman later claimed to have seen the light.
Every sign of life within a three-kilometre radius ceased to exist. The shock wave knocked down men standing at 16 kilometres. From the centre of the fireball a column of hot gases and radioactive dust shot into the sky and swelled outwards in the shape of the head of a jellyfish, a sight hitherto unseen. The head reached 12 kilometres and lingered.
Mutual congratulations and 'restrained applause'—a few men indulged in a triumphant jig—greeted the success. Hushed murmurs 'bordering on reverence' followed. Understandably, words were inadequate and the moral conundrum too great: the chemist Henry Linschitz was reduced to asking himself, 'My God, we're going to drop that on a city?' The scientists sought refuge in a litany of statistics and data: milliseconds after the blast the core temperature was 10,000 times that of the surface of the sun; the radioactive fallout was a million times stronger than the world's radium supply; and so on.
'The war is over,' a colleague told Groves soon after the test.
'Yes,' Groves replied, 'after we drop two bombs on Japan.'
Press releases were dispatched to quell local media interest: 'Several inquiries have been received concerning an explosion this morning. A remotely located ammunition magazine exploded. There was no loss of life or injury to anyone.' Thoroughly deceived, the New Mexican media relegated the incident to a routine news item.
The answer was Sue Townsend, creator of Adrian Mole. The Woman Who Went to Bed for a Year is published in paperback by Penguin at £7.99.
Einstein's Monsters by Martin Amis
The view from the 1980s, when fear of nuclear weapons was on the rise once again. Five short stories, plus an essay about the effect of that fear on all of us.
An Artist of the Floating World by Kazuo Ishiguro In post-war Japan, Masuji Ono looks back on his support for Japanese militarism. Like Stevens the butler in Ishiguro's next novel The Remains of the Day, he can't quite admit to the mistakes that have left his life in ruins. Ishiguro himself was born in Nagasaki in 1954.
When the Wind Blows by Raymond Briggs Heartbreaking graphic novel about an ordinary couple faithfully following the UK government's guidelines about what to do in a nuclear strike.
"It's very difficult to find a black cat in a dark room," warns an old proverb. "Especially when there is no cat." And that, according to Stuart Firestein's quietly mind-blowing new book, is the problem that scientists have always faced. The idea that they're engaged in a slow but steady piecing together of the facts is little more than a media fantasy.
For one thing, even when the facts are pieced together, they may turn out to be untrue. (Just over a century ago, most scientists agreed that light travelled through a substance called ether.) For another, the more we discover, the more we realise how little we know. Ignorance may be the starting point for a lot of good science. The trouble is that it's often the end-product of good science, too.
Even worse, we may also realise how little we're capable of knowing. The great biologist J B S Haldane famously claimed that "not only is the universe queerer than we suppose, it is queerer than we can suppose." For Firestein, the same human limitations might well apply to his own field of brain research:
The smartest thing I've ever heard said about the brain was from the comic Emo Philips: 'I always thought the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body; and then one day it occurred to me, "Wait a minute, who's telling me that?" '
Because, you see, the single biggest problem with understanding the brain is having one. Constructed as they were from evolutionary pressures directed at solving problems such as finding food before becoming food, brains are ill equipped to solve problems like how they work.
Take, for example, trying to figure out the most important questions to ask about the brain. For more than 50 years the visual system has served as one of the premier model systems for brain research. A professional baseball batter has less than 400 milliseconds to decide whether to swing at a three-inch sphere travelling at 90mph. Since making the decision and
estein worked in the theatre for 15 years before turning to science. He now teaches neuroscience and is chairman of the department of biology at Columbia University in New York
.11 swinging the bat take up part of this time, the work of the visual system must be something like 250 milliseconds. Pretty fancy stuff, no? Certainly worth figuring out, no? Well, let's see.
Being such visually oriented animals, we have assumed, understandably, that vision is a very high-order brain process and studying it will therefore tell us a lot about how the brain does all the other amazing stuff it does. There are so many neuroscientists working on the visual system that the Association for Research in Vision and Ophthalmology has more than 12,000 members...
At what might be considered the opposite end of the scale is a task like walking—mundane, simple, something every healthy person over the age of 12 months does. It feels so thoughtless, unconscious, that it seems to use little of our brain power.
No computer can move a chess piece as well as a three-yearold child
But it happens that we have become fairly adept at producing technology that mimics the visual system—photography, television, movies, pattern recognition algorithms. Not so true for walking. Over a century of robotics research has failed to produce a machine that can walk more than a few steps on two legs, let alone go backwards or up a slightly sloping plane, not to even mention stairs. Walking is in many ways a more complex and demanding mental task than the visual system. Daniel Wolpert of Cambridge University is fond of pointing out that IBM's Deep Blue supercomputer can beat a grand master at chess, but no computer has yet been developed that can move a chess piece from one square to another as well as a three-year-old child.
So what's the more complex thing for the brain to do? Seeing or moving? Which would make the better model system for understanding how brains work? Have 12,000 neuroscientists been looking at the wrong model system? The short answer: 51 quite possibly.
Ignorance:
Not as clever as we think? The human visual system in actionChristopher Fowler is the author of cult novels such as Roofworld and Soho Black, as well as the Bryant & May detective series, which includes the award-winning Full Dark House and The Victoria Vanishes. His latest, Bryant & May and the Invisible Code, is out this month.
This classic tale of loss of innocence is full of adventure. A boat carrying children from Jamaica to England is taken over by pirates. There's a shocking moment when one of the girls, on the cusp of womanhood, rather casually kills another captive she thinks is threatening her. I admire Hughes's insight into children's ability to be clear and cold when circumstances require. I was 18 when I read it, and wished I could be swept away by events beyond my control; at that age, you want your destiny to be taken out of your own hands because you're so unsure of what lies ahead.
Certain books need to be read - at the right age. This trilogy about a rebellious young hero who fights against everything and wants to smash the system really chimed with my mood, aged 15. It's not the easiest of reads, but I'd never imagined that a world could be created so
People think of Ballard as dystopian, but this fable is hilarious. It centres on Blake, who crashes an aircraft into the Thames and ends up as a messiah figure, taking over the London suburb of Shepperton. He acquires special powers, and everyone seems happier as the town becomes almost tropical. I admire the expansiveness of character that you find in people who live in warm climates, though I'm not fond of treacly sentiment. I live in London now, and it's a home created with Ballard's Shepperton very firmly in mind.
densely, beautifully and clearly. There's a wonderful description of Titus Groan (who gives his name to the first novel in the series) climbing up to the roof of the castle and looking out over the world. I grew up in suburban London, and this really inflamed my desire to travel. I was certainly a different person after reading these books. •
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Try answering these five questions in just 20 minutes. That's all the Puzzleman needs, but can you put him in his place?
1 A 550-yard-long train, travelling at 60mph, enters a two-mile-long tunnel. How many seconds will elapse between the moment the front of the train enters the tunnel and the moment the end of the train clears the tunnel?
2 Move from square to touching square to find the longest possible word. What is it? U L L DS S I NI IN T E M 0
3 Rearrange the letters of ON EACH FLAWED
PATH to give three animal species. What are they?
4 Make three longer words by pairing the following words. Which word will not be used? SEVERE CORN PEN PER CHANT PEST PEPPER
I'm a floating structure.
Change one letter and I'm a split.
Change another letter and I'm a sorting method.
Change a further letter and I'm sediment.
Change one final letter and I'm an item of clothing.
What was I and what did I become?
So how did you score? A point for every correct answer
Here's the Puzzleman's verdict:
0-2 "Another hosepipe ban."
3-4 "A few green shoots."
The first correct answer we pick on August 3 wins E50!*
Email excerpts@ readersdigest.co.uk
Which four-letter word connects all the following words? WAIST ZONE OUT HEAD KICK LET
(answer will be published in the September issue)
Answer to July's question: R—the sequence is alternate letters, firstly two from the beginning of the alphabet, then two from the end. Then repeat. And the winner Is... Ruth Saunders from Norfolk
The small print
" Entry is open only to residents of the UK, Channel Islands, Isle of Man and Republic of Ireland aged 18 or over. It is not open to employees of Vivat Direct Limited (t/a Reader's Digest), its subsidiary companies and all other persons associated with the competition.
5 "The finest garden in the land!" "111N
WIN £70 FOR EVERY READER'S JOKE WE PUBLISH. EMAIL EXCERPTS*
READERSDIGEST.CO.UK OR GO TO FACEBOOK.COM/READERSDIGESTUK
I A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Wow, I must look like a real fool."
Seen at jokes.com
I If evolution is real then surely by now there'd be wasps who understand what glass is.
Comedian Richard Herring
"One day son, all this will be available as an app..."
1 Q: How many visitors to a modern-art gallery does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do it
"Egrets? I've had a few..."
and another to say, "My four-year-old could have done that."
Amber Jacobs, Helsby, Cheshire
FRED AND HARRY ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF ROBBING a flat in a tower block. They panic when they hear police sirens coming closer.
"Someone must have seen us and reported it," says Fred.
"Quick, let's jump out of the window!" says Harry.
"But we're on the 13th floor," says Fred.
"Don't be so stupid," says Harry. "This is no time to be superstitious."
Joseph Stokoe, Durham
I The Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says, "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?" Seen on the internet
I I used to be a landscape gardener...by which I mean I was a gardener, and also I was wider than I was tall. Comedian Alex Home. Alex is performing at the Edinburgh Fringe this month
When I'm drunk, there's one thing I really can't stand-. Up!
Seen on the internet
I My boss texted me to say, "Send me one of your funny jokes, Jim."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment. I'll send you one later."
He replied, "That was priceless, send me another one."
Seen on the internet
I The best thing about the hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but the fact that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan. Seen on Twitter
The cashless society is nearly upon us. We're all skint! John Tunney, Corby, Northamptonshire
LITTLE EPIPHANIES # 16:
Comedian Alun Cochrane inhabits a daydreamy world of surreal realisations and whimsy. This is his monthly moment of revelation
On Sundays, we all go swimming. I say "all"...not the dog. Whippets and water aren't that happy together, and I think the pool has rules about animals. It's probably on the sign next to bombing and heavy petting. And I say "swimming", but I really mean "splashing", or, "me pretending to be a sea monster by swimming underwater and 'attacking' my family". All good fun, and the kids quietly put up with it because they know their mum enjoys it.
I've made my wife seem silly there, but she somewhat deserved it the other week, when, having been to a party and overindulged in a heady cocktail of G & Ts and grown-ups, she spent all of Sunday forgetting things.
As usual, we went to the pool with me wearing my trunks under my jeans and our five-year-old in just his swimming shorts. So far, so good. Until he and I had showered and I noticed that his mum had failed to put any trousers in the bag for his change of clothes—just a pair Superman briefs.
And here's where I realised he and I are different. It's totally fine for him to walk through a busy reception area and down the street IN HIS PANTS. But if I did it...
"You swapped our cow for a what?!"
Here at RD Towers, we had a thing or two to learn from these...
1.Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
7.Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
8. Also, in addition, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
9. No sentence fragments. Sent in by Mrs J Dann, Great Barrow, Cheshire
A "photobomb" is made when somebody swoops in and ruins an otherwise perfectly nice snap. From thisisphotobomb.memebase.com
II I see that no one, yet, is filming this [gig] on their mobile phone. I appreciate that, because it's become the new scourge of standup: people sitting there saying, "I want to enjoy this, but now is not good for me. Later would be better— later and smaller."
Comedian John OliverI In thick fog, a piper on his way to play at a Highland burial got lost. Relieved at last to stumble across a group clustered round a freshly dug hole, he apologised for his lateness. He began to play, and the music was so exquisite that the men downed spades and wept.
As the final plaintive notes faded away, a woman turned to thank him.
"All part of the service, madam," he responded gruffly.
"Well," she replied, "I never expected this when I ordered my new septic tank."
Maggie Cobbett, Ripon, North YorkshireLadies and gentlemen, please welcome Sean Hughes
In my new show I do a long piece about when you're a kid and you write to pop stars who you like at the time.
1 Atf
I imagine how the conversation would go Sean Hughes if they actually turned up...l'd be let down! is at the Edinburgh Fringe this month with new show Life Becomes Noises. See edfringe.com
There's a reverse-prank call that an American guy has recorded, in which a cold caller phones him up to try to sell him something. When he picks up, he pretends to be a policeman, telling the cold caller that the man he's trying to reach has just been murdered. Then he involves the caller in the "police investigation". [Search for "How to deal with a telemarketer by Tom Mabe" on Youtube.]
FUNNIEST THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?
I was in New York last month, waiting in a Starbucks outside the toilets, and I pulled the handle to see if it was locked or not. It was. Then this American woman came up, ignored me, and tried the handle. And then another woman came up and ignored both of us and tried the handle 20 seconds after that. And you could just hear this poor guy shout from inside the toilet, "Heys'
I'm a big fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm. It's a fictionalised version of the life of this guy Larry David [creator of US sitcom Seinfeld], who keeps on putting his foot in it all the time. It's really very funny.
When I was growing up, it was Richard Pryor. I saw him and thought, I want to do comedy. But I always admire any comedian who tells the truth—whether I agree with what they're saying or not. ■
fic=7:= tithe, beginning
Think of a witty caption for this picture and you could beat the experts at their own game. The three best suggestions will be posted on our website in midAugust alongside an anonymous
caption from our professional cartoonist. Visitors can choose their favourite—and if your entry gets the most votes, you'll receive £100 and a framed copy of the drawing. Submit to captions@readersdigest.co.uk or the address on page 4 by August 10. Enter and vote online at readersdigest.co.uk/caption. We'll announce the winner in our October issue. •
World War drama
Reader Ken Field was a clear winner this month with, "Should have gone to Specsavers." (And, yes, lots of you submitted this caption, but Ken was first out of the hat.) Cartoonist David McNeill, meanwhile, came a distant second with, "It's not all bad news though, you did get a personal best."
SCOREBOARD READERS 4
CARTOONISTS 2
• Discover online therapy
• How to live without power
• The best places to spot wildlife
• An expert's guide to driving around Britain PLUS Tolkein's legacy, and Bettany Hughes rules the world!
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