Surviving ‘Ex-Gay’ Therapy Programs Equality Utah Celebrates 10 Years
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NATIONAL Bachmann avoids addressing stance on gay rights Rep. Michele Bachmann, the winner of the Iowa straw poll, said she would reinstate the ban on gay service members if elected to the nation’s highest office. “The ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy has worked very well,” Bachmann said on CNN’s State of the Union. Her comments come on the coattails of the certification by Defense secretary Leon Panetta, and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Adm. Mike Mullen, that the ban was ready to be lifted. Congress passed the repeal of the measure in December and the law will no longer be enforced on Sept. 20. The law was also ruled unconstitutional by a federal court. Bachmann also visited NBC’s Meet the Press where she refused to answer questions about her stance on gay rights. When host David Gregory asked her about a previous statement where she called gays
AUGUST 18, 2011
what people are concerned about right now,” Bachmann said. Bachmann has come under fire from queer-rights groups for her strong opposition to gay rights. She has signed multiple pledges where she promises to appoint only judges that would support marriage as a union between one man and one woman, overturn gay marriage in Washington, D.C., support an amendment to the constitution that would define marriage, and establish a religious commission that is designed to investigate threats against people who oppose marriage equality. Bachmann has avoided questions about her stance on queer rights in the past, and when asked by an Iowa TV news station about a clinic her husband used to run that practiced so-called reparative therapy techniques, she slammed the reporter saying she was running for president, not her husband. Bachmann took first place in the Iowa straw poll with 28 percent of the vote. Texas Rep. Ron Paull came in second with 27 percent of the vote and former Minnesota ‘barbarians’ who were enslaved, BachGov. Tim Pawlenty finished with 13 percent mann refused to address it. of the vote. He later dropped out of the race. When Gregory asked her whether a Former Gov. Jon Huntsman finished family with two gay parents and children second to last in the poll and Mitt Romney should be considered a family, she again finished in seventh of 10, however, Romney skirted the question. did not campaign for the poll after a poor “All these kinds of questions aren’t about performance in Iowa in 2008.
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‘Sesame Street’ speaks out about Bert and Ernie In response to an online petition drive to have the Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie married, the Sesame Street Workshop responded saying the two muppets are not gay. The pair, who are both male and have been longtime roommates are just friends, the statement said. “Bert and Ernie are best friends. They were created to teach preschoolers that people can be good friends with those who are very different from themselves. Even though they are identified as male characters and possess many human traits and characteristics (as most Sesame Street Muppets do), they remain puppets, and do not have a sexual orientation,” the statement read. The online petition began to gather some influence with more than 5,000 signatures. The petition cited the positive influence having two openly gay characters on a children’s show could create. “In this horrific age of LGBT kids taking their own lives, they need to know that they are beautiful and their lives are worth living. Aside from those that are committing suicide, the bullies that facilitate these tragedies need to learn that homophobia is not OK,” the petition said. “We are not asking that Sesame Street do anything crude or disrespectful. Only that they allow Bert & Ernie to marry or even add a transgender character to the show.”
Quips & Quotes ❝ ❝My shoulders feel much lighter and straighter and I feel my life is a lot more simple now. I lived with the obsession to be accepted for such a long time. But it was when I held my children in my arms I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to teach them to be themselves, to know there is nothing wrong with being gay — because there isn’t. I want them to have selflove, pride and dignity. And that means I had to be transparent.” —Ricky Martin on coming out
❝ ❝You cannot compare me and my race to a behavior. Sexuality is a behavior. I cannot change my color. People can change their sexual behavior. I’ve seen people do that. I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia. So I’ve seen a very different perspective on human behaviors. That’s where I’m coming from with that. Everyone has the same basic rights. And no one is telling people in the gay community that they don’t have the same basic rights that anyone in America has.” —Congressman Allen West
❝ ❝This puts opposite-sex and same-sex couples on the same footing, because in both cases it is possible to develop love, affection and respect.” —Conservative Chilean President Sebastian Pinera on his support of civil unions
❝ ❝Mr. Romney’s position on this issue is not reflective of Jim Davis’, my or New Balance’s position and support of the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered community … As a company, New Balance embraces the differences in all people and we work tirelessly to create and sustain an environment where everyone — our associates, consumers, customers and guests — are treated with dignity and respect.” —New Balance President Rob DeMartini said about the donations to Mitt Romney’s campaign by the chairman of New Balance, Jim Davis
AUGUST 18, 2011
Report: HIV infections up nearly 50% in gay black men By Seth Bracken
The rate of HIV infections among young men who have sex with men, age 13 to 29, increased by 34 percent in the United States from 2006 to 2009, and are the only group where the rate of infection is increasing, according to a report recently released by the Centers for Disease Control. The number of new infections across those same years was about 50,000 annually and while the rate of infection was stable, the rate of infection for young gay and bisexual black men increased by 48 percent across the same time period. Men who have sex with men only make up between 2 and 5 percent of the country;
however, they make up about 61 percent (29,300) of new infections. Young gay and bisexual males, age 13 to 29, were most heavily affected, representing more than a quarter of all new infections. “More than 30 years into the HIV epidemic, about 50,000 people in this country still become infected each year. Not only do men who have sex with men continue to account for most new infections, young gay and bisexual men are the only group in which infections are increasing, and this increase is particularly concerning among young African American MSM,” said CDC Director Thomas Frieden in a press re-
Romney signs pledge opposing gay rights Presidential hopeful, and Utah favorite, Mitt Romney signed the National Organization for Marriage’s pledge to stop gay marriage by whatever means possible. By signing the pledge, he promises to defend the so-called Defense of Marriage Act, support a federal marriage amendment to define marriage as a union between one man and one woman, appoint only judges who would support the same principles and overturn gay marriages in Washington, D.C. Other presidential hopefuls that signed the pledge include Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. Also by signing the pledge, Romney promises to establish a religious commission that is designed to investigate threats against people who oppose marriage equality. Romney’s position is a reversal of his previous stance on gay rights, and in 1994 he sent a letter to a gay Republican group in which he promised to be a defender of civil rights for all and be more of an ally than Sen. Edward Kennedy.
“We must make equality for gays and lesbians a mainstream concern,” wrote Romney. The president of NOM, Brain Brown, applauded the three candidates who signed the pledge. “We are grateful to Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum for their courage and their leadership in standing up for marriage, and so are millions of Americans who care about protecting marriage,” he told CBS News. When signing the pledge, the candidates promise the following: Support and send to the states a federal marriage amendment defining marriage as one man and one woman; Defend DOMA in court; Appoint judges and an attorney general who will respect the original meaning of the Constitution; Appoint a presidential commission to investigate harassment of traditional marriage supporters; Support legislation that would return to the people of D.C. their right to vote for marriage.
lease. “HIV infections can be prevented. By getting tested, reducing risky behaviors, and getting treatment, people can protect themselves and their loved ones.” The largest number of new infections in 2009 was among white MSM (11,400), followed by black MSM (10,800). Hispanic MSM (6,000) and black women (5,400) were also affected. “We are deeply concerned by the alarming rise in new HIV infections in young, black gay and bisexual men and the continued impact of HIV among young gay and bisexual men of all races,” said Jonathan Mermin, director of CDC’s Division of HIV/AIDS Prevention, in a press release. “We cannot allow the health of a new generation of gay men to be lost to a preventable disease. It’s time to renew the focus on HIV among gay men and confront the homophobia and stigma that all too often accompany this disease.”
While blacks represent about 14 percent of the total U.S. population, they accounted for more than 44 percent of new HIV infections in 2009. The HIV infection rate among Hispanics was nearly three times as high as it was for whites in 2009. “HIV remains one of the most glaring health disparities in this country,” said Fenton in the press release. “While we all have individual responsibility to protect ourselves from HIV infection, the research clearly shows that individual risk behavior alone doesn’t account for the significant racial disparities in HIV. It is essential to understand the underlying factors that contribute to these disparities, such as poverty, discrimination and lack of access to health care.” The full report can be accessed by going to cdc.gov/hiv.
not as I do
Rev. David Barton announced his rather graphic solution to fighting against marriage equality that recently passed in New York. He said that the conservative activists need to Indiana Rep. Phillip Hinkle is the latest GOP hang the bloody scalps of the Republicans member to get embroiled in a gay sex scandal, who voted for the bill from the capitol building. and this one’s a doozie. Hinkle allegedly “You hang these four Republican scalps over responded to an ad on Craigslist that was the Senate rail and every other Republican titled, “I need a sugga daddy.” The emails sent senator looks up and sees those scalps and from his personal email address indicated he says, ‘my gosh, I’ll be hanging up there beside was willing to pay $80 up front with a large them if I don’t stay with this pro-family stuff.’ tip of about $50 or $60. The 18-year-old man, And that’s exactly what has to happen,” Kameryn Gibson, who posted the ad said they Barton said. exchanged phone numbers and arranged a late-night rendezvous. After arriving at the prearranged hotel, Hinkle toldGibson that he Republican presidential candidate Rick was a lawmaker, so he tried to leave, Gibson Santorum is in the running for the most said. After threats and bribes, including on anti-gay candidate among the conservative his personal cell phone, Gibson left and when bunch running for office. He’s said it is comHinkle’s wife called the cell he told her that her mon sense that gays and lesbians shouldn’t husband is gay. She offered $10,000 not to adopt, have any governmental rights, and he’s contact the press, Gibson said. promised to fight against marriage equality anywhere in the nation, despite his supposed support for state’s rights. However, in his latest debate he slammed Iran for not granting After an interview with the National Organization for Marriage’s Maggie Gallagher, rights to gays and lesbians. Hypocrite much?
Another Craigslist mishap
Santorum blasts Iran
Pastor wants to hang bloody scalps
AUGUST 18, 2011
said they would support relationship recognition rights for gay couples such as civil unions. However, each attempt to pass a statewide ordinance is killed and has never reached a full vote in the Utah Legislature. “Oftentimes you see that the public is ahead of the politicians,” Corroon said. “We want to make sure that everybody has the ability to work and live and enjoy this great community that we call Salt Lake.” The Human Rights Campaign kicked off give out special rights, just equal rights,” The bus is designed to tell people’s stoFriday its 17-city national bus tour, in Salt Corroon said. ries and help change lives all across the The tour comes on the heels of a recently Lake City, that focuses on education and nation, regardless of faith or creed, and awareness for queer rights. The tour, which released poll by the HRC that indicates an it is significant that it is starting in Utah, is being dubbed, ‘On the Road to Equality,’ overwhelming majority — 77 percent of Bastian said. focuses on areas around the country where Utahns support non-discrimination laws “It’s not true that gay and god don’t mix,” queer citizens do not have as many protec- protecting against bias in the workplace Bastian said. tions and rights, such as protection against and in housing. The same poll also indicated that a surprising 66 percent of Utahns For a complete schedule, go to HRC.org. bias in housing and the workplace. The nation, and the state of Utah, are on the cusp and tipping point of actualizing equal rights for queer community members, HRC President Joe Solmonese said at the press conference and ribbon-cutting at the Utah Pride Center. “We find ourselves at almost a tipping point in the fight for LGBT equality in this country. Hearts and minds are changing everyday,” Solmonese said. “We are winning this fight everyday in every way.” The HRC events throughout the weekend included a fundraising club night at Club Sound headlined by Broadway star Gavin Creel and several group discussions revolving around faith and family. The kickoff was also attended by Salt Lake County and City Mayors Peter Corroon and Ralph Becker, and philanthropist Bruce Bastian. “We’re not asking the government to
Nationwide HRC bus tour kicked off in Salt Lake City
Ogden OUTreach Center still seeking new director
Utah Pride Center during the 2011 Pride Festival. Applicants can submit a cover letter, resume and contact information of three references in person or by email. Applications The Ogden OUTreach Resource Center is munity, especially the youth. can be emailed to firstname.lastname@example.org or looking for a new director to organize and Horenkamp, one of the original founders addressed to: Barry Gomberg, President, run all aspects of the center. Since Gary is moving out of the state and was recently Board of Directors, OUTreach Resource Horenkamp announced his eventual resig- given the first Local Hero Award from the Center, 705 23rd Street, Ogden, Utah 84401. nation, the ORC has been in need of a new director to oversee staff and volunteers, slightly more forgiving with only 20 percent saysupport the board of directors and maning they would leave their husband if he gained age all educational, outreach and grantweight. The sanctity of marriage bonds are deseeking efforts. pendent on the size of the bond, it appears. The The ORC is Northern Utah’s largest queer same poll asked how many men would change support group, and last year had more than their penis size, and 50 percent of men said they Husband accused of strangling wife’s cats 1,100 visits from youth. The organization would make it larger if they could. How many After a heated argument, one Nebraska man is a non-profit 501(c)3 that supports queer wanted a small penis? Zero. began strangling his wife’s cats. After he youth and adults, and it works with other strangled two cats, he called his wife, who had Sword-wielding husband arrested after community organizations to support inleft, and told her to return or he’d end the life of death of wife creased awareness and acceptance of the another pet. She returned home and called the A woman was found dead in a car after her queer community in Northern Utah. police who dug up the cats and took them to a husband led police on a wild chase. After he “We were born out of the need to fill a vet to confirm that they were dead. Upon further stopped his car he pulled out a sword and space for LGBT kids, but we’re willing to examination, it was discovered that the onceattempted to injure himself and then began welcome anyone as long as they’re openburied cats were, in fact, dead. brandishing the sword at police in a menacing minded,” Horenkamp told QSaltLake. manner. He was subdued and police found the Survey: Half of men would ditch fat wife The group has been meeting in the Unibody of his wife in his car. Her autopsy showed In a new survey released recently, 48 percent tarian Universalist Church of Ogden since of men said they would ditch their wives if they she died of strangulation and suffered several 2007 and has proven to be an invaluable gained weight. The women in the survey were postmortem stab wounds. resource for Northern Utah’s queer com-
sanctity of marriage
Qmmunity Pocatello Pride With fabulous events and parties throughout the weekend, including a masquerade-ball grand marshal reception, Pocatello Pride attracts queers and allies from all around the region. The festival will be headlined by the grand marshal, trans rapper Katasrophe. He’s a regular performer at pride festivals worldwide and has been pushing the boundaries for queer hip hop for years. Admission is free to the festival with a donation of canned food. Just a short two-hour drive from Salt Lake City, the festival is a perfect weekend getaway. WHEN: Aug. 18-20 WHERE: Pocatello, Idaho INFO: PocatelloPride.com
SLC Pagan Pride The 10th annual Salt Lake City Pagan Pride day is a celebration of spirituality for all faiths and traditions. The entrance fee to the event is a simple donation to the Utah Food Bank. With a variety of groups gathering for the day’s activities including educational and a celebration of faiths, the event is a must-see for all faiths. WHEN: Sept. 10, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. WHERE: Crone’s Hollow, 2470 S. Main St. INFO: PaganPride.org
Pride Center Party on the Patio/Golf Classic The kick-off party for the 12th Annual Utah Pride Center Golf Classic will be on the patio at Club JAM on Friday, Aug. 26 at 7 p.m. Attendees don’t have to be playing the tournament. Wear your best argyle golf suit to win some fierce prizes. The Golf Classic fundraiser is on Sunday, Aug. 28 at the Stonebridge Golf Course and registration can be accessed at UtahPrideCenter.org. Along with fantastic company and raising funds for the Center, there will be fabulous prizes awarded. WHEN: Aug. 26 & 28 WHERE: Club JAM and Stonebridge Golf Course INFO: UtahPrideCenter.org
AUGUST 18, 2011
Equality Utah celebrates 10 years By Seth Bracken
It’s been a decade and Equality Utah is growing every year. The political-action committee is one of the premier political organizations in Utah, and the annual Allies Dinner is one of the biggest parties and fundraising events of the year for any queer in Utah. This year’s dinner is Aug. 20, 6 p.m., at the Salt Palace Convention Center in Salt Lake City, with former San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom as the keynote speaker. The dinner will also honor the original founders of Equality Utah. To purchase tickets, go to EqualityUtah.org. In honor of the event, QSaltLake explored the history of Equality Utah and spoke with the three original founders and past executive directors.
Jim Dabakis: Co-Founder The recently elected chair of the state Democratic Party said he is immensely proud of Equality Utah and asserts that his role in getting the organization off the ground was minimal. “There was no real political force in the LGBT community,” Dabakis said. “We wanted an organization that could get involved in politics and be an organized voice in helping people get elected, not just to throw around money.” Dabakis said after he was appointed to a position on a board by then-Mayor Rocky Anderson, there was a Salt Lake City Council member that took objection to having an openly gay man on the board. Although he wasn’t originally offended, it did light the spark that became the motivator for Equality Utah. “I wanted to give us a place at the table along with all the other political groups, and I think Equality Utah has done that,” he said. “I remember when I took Dustin Lance Black, last year’s keynote speaker, over to the Salt Palace to show him the space, and I was overwhelmed with how big of a space we were going to fill. It was phenomenal.” Dabakis said he sees Equality Utah as playing a key role in Utah politics for many years into the future, but is excited for the day that it’s no longer needed. “I think the day is coming when it will be an anachronism like the Elks Club or the Masons. I can’t wait for that day,” Dabakis said.
Amendment 3 fight, I responded to a statement by LaVar Christensen by saying simply, ‘Equality means everyone.’ And that became kind of a rallying point for us,” Mitchell said. Mitchell helped organize the first Allies Dinner and said it was one of his most do it without the help of the queer com- proud moments as director. munity. “We didn’t know if anyone would even “It was amazing, for the first time ever, come,” Mitchell said. “But when the room the homos had taken over the city. We filled up, it was more than just a relief; I wielded real political power,” she said. could see the groundwork being laid for While having lunch with Dabakis and something much bigger.” Doug Wortham at the Orbit Café in Salt Lake City, the decision was made to start a Mike Thompson: Executive Director group that could do what the Pride Center 2005–2009 couldn’t and use that political force. “I think I really saw how much Equality After Mitchell left, Thompson took the Utah had grown from that discussion in a role of executive director and led the PAC café when I was making calls during the through some tumultuous times, includProp. 8 battle in 2008. I was sitting next to a ing the Prop. 8 debacle and aftermath. But straight Mormon couple who were calling the difficulties helped him and the PAC people in California and pleading that they succeed. “I was driving up State Street to the Capinot support it,” Turpin said. tol before our first legislative rally in 2006. Equality Utah was founded with an exit In that legislative session there were six strategy and Turpin said the entire puranti-LGBT bills. As I drove up State Street, pose of the organization is to put itself out I passed a rally attendee walking up the hill of business. “I think it’s coming. I know it sounds carrying his homemade sign that read “A strange to found a group on the premise Fair & Just Utah.” In that moment, I knew that it needs to eventually fill its need, but what we were doing was catching on,” that’s the case with Equality Utah,” Turpin Thompson said. Equality Utah ballooned with membersaid. ship and influence during the years he was involved and even a Deseret News columDoug Wortham: Co-Founder nist commented on the influence, calling The idea for Equality Utah was not original and there were many queer-rights pioneers it “the dominate force in Salt Lake City that came long before it was founded, politics.” The Allies Dinner plays a key role in Wortham said. The idea wasn’t a sudden helping the PAC continue growing and adepiphany and they followed a very tried vocating for statewide equality. and true practice of raising money, hiring “Nothing is more inspiring than being a staff and expanding their reach. “The difference really happened when in the largest ballroom in Salt Lake City, we hired an executive director and ex- surrounded by 1500 plus friends and alpanded the staff,” Wortham said. “The lies, who share a single vision – a fair and other previous volunteer organizations just Utah. Just being there calls one up to struggled because it was such a time com- a higher place of service in this movement toward full equality for lesbian, gay, bisexmitment and we needed a paid staff.” Equality Utah is exactly where he ual and transgender people,” Thompson thought it would be in the 10 years since it said. was founded, Wortham said. An active political voice for queer Utahns was needed, and it was met. “I think Equality Utah will eventually play a role similar to the ACLU and ensure that protections are being met, but it will not have the same active role it has now,” Wortham said.
Michael Mitchell: Executive Director 2001–2005
When Mitchell started working, he was faced with some of the most basic tasks, such as where to get hot water for the office. But as he worked out the kinks and Michelle Turpin: Co-Founder started on the first race and goal in the Salt The mayoral election of 1999 when Rocky Lake City Council. Jill Remington Love was Anderson won was a landmark election, elected and Equality Utah saw its first sucTurpin said. When Anderson was elected, cessful foray into Utah politics. he said he never would have been able to “In an interview during the whole
Brandie Balken: Executive Director
The QSaltLake person of the year for 2010 helped to usher in a new wave of elevated influence. The PAC set a goal to have 10 municipalities pass non-discrimination ordinances in 2010. At first the goal seemed lofty, but all around the state, discussions were had in city council chambers and over dinner tables about the need to be fair to one another. Despite the enormous success of these ordinances, she said it’s the personal moments that motivate her and help her keep working through the late nights and long days. One moment in particular stands out while talking to someone who did not immediately appear to be an ally. “She (Salt Lake City School District
Board of Education member Amanda Thorderson) had some very legitimate questions and I could hear her child crying in the background. When she continued to make time for me, even though I assume she is straight, I could see the humanity of our cause and it really hit me. The work we’re doing is so important,” Balken said. “She later went on to be one of our strongest allies.” Equality Utah will continue to work until full equality is achieved and the Allies Dinner is an important part of the fundraising efforts that allows the PAC to elect fair-minded candidates, Balken said. “To sum it up, I’d have to say we’ll keep working until there’s full equality. We can’t accept anything less,” she said. Q
AUGUST 18, 2011
Poll: Utahns more accepting of gay, transgender protections A large majority of Utahns support laws protecting members of Utah’s queer community against bias in the workplace, housing and against bullying in schools, according to a recent poll released by the Human Rights Campaign. According to the poll, 77 percent of Utahns, and 73 percent of Mormon Utahns, want laws protecting against discrimination in the workplace and housing. More than 70 percent of respondents said they supported laws protecting queer Utahns against bullying in the school system. The poll indicated that about 70 percent of Utahns know someone who is openly gay but 55 percent of respondents said they
would be bothered if their child or grandchild were to come out as queer. This is significantly higher than the national average of about 40 percent. A recent national study conducted by the HRC showed a majority of Americans, 51 percent supported marriage equality for gay and lesbians, but in Utah 63 percent oppose marriage equality with just 30 percent supporting it. However, the survey found that 60 percent of Utahns support civil unions that grant gay and lesbian couples the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts. The poll indicates a change in the climate for queer Utahns and found that 69
percent of straight male respondents and 77 percent of straight female respondents said they could be close friends with a gay member of their own gender. “Utah remains one of the most conservative states in the country. Nothing in this survey changes that reality. However, the LGBT community here is no longer defined by eastern or Hollywood stereotypes, but by neighbors, co-workers and relatives,” the HRC said in a press release. “As Utah residents recognize the common humanity of LGBT people, they extend broad civil rights protections, including protection from employment discrimination and basic relationship recognition, to the LGBT community.” The HRC commissioned the Greenberg Quinlan Rosner Research to survey 400 Utah adults between Aug. 2 and 3. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus 4.9 percent.
Ally running for St. George City Council Running for St. George City Council to help bring the city into the 21st century seemed like the civic duty for one Ohio native and city resident. Tara Dunn loves her city and the gorgeous redrock vistas surrounding her home. But she couldn’t take the business-oppressive policies that are touted as family values by the current council. “Some of the laws are outrageous,” Dunn said. “The restrictions placed on business are stopping St. George from moving on. Just look at all the restrictions they’ve placed on dancing in commercial businesses.” Dunn has experience in real estate and business operation and said she hopes to bring that knowledge to the table. She decided to run after receiving a $575 fine from the city for having rocks in a wash behind her house. “They want the city to be like Mayberry,” Dunn said. “It’s so corrupt and I am sick of it. Most people I talk to agree with me and they want to see some change.” Dunn said she supports, like most other Utahns, anti-discrimination measures to protect against bias based on sexual ori-
entation and gender identity in the workplace and housing. She also sits on the board of directors for the Tri-State HIV task force, which offers free HIV testing for the Southern Utah area and is one of the few resources for testing in the area. However, Dunn said her platform is supportive of bringing practices and ordinances to St. George that encourage business and tourism. “No one wants to board a plane in 2011, and land in 1935,” Dunn said. “We have to make some small changes in the climate to make it more welcome for everyone, especially business. We need to stop trying to legislate morals.” Dunn is also campaigning on a platform to help encourage logical city planning, increased public transportation and most of all, being a representative for St. George residents and encouraging city growth.
Q news Attention Writers Break out the laptop, the pen and notebook or just a crayon and a McDonald’s napkin because QSaltLake is accepting submissions for the annual Queer Literary Issue. Selections must be 1,500 words or less, and shorter submissions are more likely to be published. We accept poems, fiction and non-fiction stories that are related to, or somehow correlate with, queer issues. Please email email@example.com with selections. The deadline is Sept. 1.
QSaltLake Seeking Interns QSaltLake is accepting applications for its Fall 2011 Internship Program. The internship is intended for school credit and professional experience. Participants will not be errand-people and will be expected to complete regular writing assignments and other newsroom tasks. Applicants do not have to be journalism students, although it is beneficial to have interest in queer and independent news. Students will be involved in every step of production, from pitching a story to the final completion of the newspaper. Knowledge of multimedia projects, such
Dunn will face off in a primary on Sept. 13, which will be the biggest battle of her election because large groups do not give funding until after primary elections, she said. For more information about how to donate and get involved with the campaign, go to taraforcitycouncil.com.
as video, social media and podcast is beneficial. Two interns will be selected to work in QSaltLake’s Sugar House office, conveniently located near the University of Utah, Westminster and I-80. Office
UofU offers new student orientation for queers, allies
and working hours will be determined
University of Utah students will have a new resource when they start classes this fall from the LGBTQ Resource Center. The queer-student orientation will feature groups and information about what it’s like to be queer in Salt Lake City, said Bri Blanchard, a staff member at the center. The presentations, held on Sept. 7 at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m., will feature community groups such as Equality Utah and other information to help students know how
range from in-depth investigative report-
The new orientation comes as the resource center was remodeled and expanded to about twice the size of the old location. The center serves as a gathering place to get involved and where to go for more for queer students and their allies. Regular activities and information are available to resources. This is the first year a special session has assist students. “We’re really excited about the new been held for queer students and their allies, and the program will hopefully continue and changes,” Blanchard said. “It was needed and we’re excited about the new space.” occur every semester, Blanchard said. “We answer these questions on an in- The orientation meetings, as well as other dividual level very frequently,” Blanchard information and activities, will be located in said. “We want to make sure everyone room 409 in the Union Building. For more inknows there is a block of resources for stu- formation, email firstname.lastname@example.org or dents.” call the office at 801-587-7973.
by the student, the supervisor and the stories, but should range between 15 and 25 hours a week. The assignments will ing to features and entertainment. The internship begins Aug. 31 and ends Nov. 17. To apply, please email a cover letter, resume and references to email@example.com. Prospective candidates will be contacted for an interview.
AUGUST 18, 2011
Walk ‘Out of the Darkness’ sanctity of As a part of a national effort to raise awareness and funds for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Salt Lake City will host a community walk and gathering on Aug. 27. The AFSP is one of the only avenues for support to help educate in Utah schools about suicide awareness and prevention, said Taryn Aiken, the chair for the AFSP-Utah chapter. The awareness event is called Out of the Darkness Community Walk and will be held on Aug. 27, 9 a.m., at Sugar House Park, 1300 East and 2100 South. Public schools in Utah do not include suicide prevention as part of the regular curriculum, which is where the AFSP comes in, Aiken said. The AFSP is also involved in support for survivors, and general education and awareness. “One of our main goals is to get people in the schools to help educate about suicide. Our fundraising goal is about $40,000 for the year,” she said. In its third year the walk will attract about 1,000 people; some will come to remember those lost to suicide, others will come to celebrate their own survival, and everyone will support increased awareness. For Tristan Bills, the participation and fundraising is personal. Almost two years since he came home to find his roommate
secrets of salt lake Utah’s first urban winery
had tried to take his own life, Bills is a strong advocate for the cause. “My life changed that day,” Bills said. “I want everyone to come participate, whether or not their lives have been affected by a suicide attempt or not, this is an issue that should be important to everyone.” Bills is attempting to raise funds for the organization by finding individual sponsors for his walk. His goal is to raise $2,000. “There’s not a day that goes by that it doesn’t affect me. I have to help,” Bills said. More than 35,000 Americans take their own lives each year and it is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. and for every effectual suicide, there are up to 25 failed attempts. “Suicide is 100 percent preventable. That’s why we have to help raise awareness about avenues for support and help options,” Aiken said. “The LGBT statistics are so much higher than they should be and so we’re trying to hit that hard.” Along with the Salt Lake City walk, there will be an Out of the Darkness Community Walk in St. George on Oct. 15. The AFSPUtah chapter meets monthly to organize events and coordinate volunteer efforts. To find out more information about the walk and how to donate, go to afsputahchapter. com.
helping you find a wine to pair with all kinds of food and situations. “We want to make this an experience that everyone can enjoy,” Cook said. “Whether it’s your first time tasting wine or you are a touring expert, we want to make this a true delight.” The winery offers five kinds of wine and all of them are blended. The grapes are grown in California on the west side of the Paso Robles appellation. Before making any purchases, customers can try all five wines. The wine is designed to be approachable and not lighten your wallet too much while still offering a unique taste and flavor, said Michael Knight, the owner and winemaker. “Our wines are all unique and are table wines, meaning we want this to be something everyone can enjoy,” Knight said. Prices are kept low because all distribution is done through the South Salt Lake location and there are no distribution points through the Utah liquor stores, although some local restaurants carry the wines. Knight draws on more than 40 years of grape-growing and winemaking that include old world and new world styles. Kiler Grove became Utah’s first urban winery. The vintages date back to 2005 and the crop is always unique, Knight said.
Hidden in an industrial part of South Salt Lake is a gem that any wine-loving Utah queer should experience. The Kiler Grove Winegrowers, located at 53 W. Truman Ave., is making high-quality wine at an affordable price without the liquor store mark-up. The wine-tasting room opened its doors in January and is one of the few places in Utah to receive a free wine tasting and tutorial. After entering the charming building, customers are greeted by the smiling face of Rhea Cook, the tasting-room manager. She is knowledgeable, not just about her own wines but about wine in general; from the growing of the grapes to the table and every step in between, Cook is an ex- The winery has tastings and sells wine from pert. The wine tasting is paired with chocolate noon to 7 p.m. Thursday through Saturday. and cheese and Cook is a terrific resource for For more information, go to kgwwine.com.
Father allegedly punches daughter at birthday party A 14-year-old Salt Lake County girl finished a birthday party in protective custody after her father allegedly punched her twice for trying to stop him from threatening the guests. The man, 42, attended the party in Big Cottonwood Canyon and threatened guests with a fire poker, a knife and a beer bottle, police said. When his daughter tried to stop him from causing trouble, he punched her twice, police said. He was arrested on suspicion of aggravated assault and child abuse. The girl was placed in protective custody.
Army sergeant arrested in burning of wife A Washington state army official was arrested after his wife reported he doused her with lighter fluid and set her on fire. Duane Michael Radar, 35, is being held in a Washington jail awaiting trial, according to the Associated Press. His wife suffered second-degree burns and was admitted to the hospital for treatment. She originally reported that she accidentally lit herself on fire, but
later told police her husband had intimidated her into lying to officials.
Most marriages report conflict More than 80 percent of straight couples in the United States report either moderate or extreme levels of conflict within their marriages, according to a new study released by Ohio State University. The study also indicates that there is little chance that conflict levels will change across the course of marriage. A mere 18 percent of respondents said that they routinely share decision-making responsibilities. The study indicates that 60 percent of married couples have moderate levels of conflict and 22 percent have extreme levels of conflict.
Man charged after shooting wife’s Chihuahua A Florida man faces animal cruelty charges after he killing his wife’s 10-lb Chihuahua, Bently, police said. Albert J. Proctor, 28, threatened to continue his shooting spree and harm other animals. He was released from jail on $5,000 bail. His wife told police that she did not fear for her safety or for her children because he’s from a country where he thought it was OK to shoot dogs. Proctor told police the tiny dog was attacking a neighbor and that Bently had grown very aggressive.
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AUGUST 18, 2011
Views letters ‘Traitor’ response
Dear Editor, I am writing in response to the article, “Traitor Jane: A Community Divided.” Because of the inaccuracies in many of Ms. Lee’s comments, I am disappointed that they were not validated against the recorded court hearings and city records that resulted in the termination of coguardianship. As a biological parent that has experienced a tumultuous breakup, I have had to make tough decisions in the best interest of the children as a result of my expartner’s actions and behavior. Because of this, I have gained an appreciation of the complexity surrounding the lack of legal structure for same-sex parents and I have great compassion for both sides. The article, as triggered by Traitor Jane, places emphasis on non-biological parent losses. When in reality, the biological parent experiences loss as well. Being a single mother, I live with the reality of not being guaranteed any financial support. In fact, I have never received any. Shortly after my relationship ended, a routine visitation schedule was established, but because there is no legal accountability for the non-biological parent, my ex took advantage of that freedom and abruptly left the state for several weeks. When she returned she reduced her parent-time to not include weekends. After months of counseling, mediation and many attempts to compromise, my ex was unwilling to change her destructiveness. Because the conflict continued to have negative impact on the kids, I decided to terminate the coparenting relationship, which was supported by the children’s therapist and later a judge. Legal accountability is necessary! In contrast to the way Traitor Jane has divided our community, there is an organization that recognizes the need for equality between same-sex parents without regard to biological status. The organization is called Equal Parents and as of recently they can be found on Facebook. Kelly Peterson
from the editor Caught by the red stilettos By Seth Bracken
watched her walking down the crowded Buenos Aires street for about two blocks. The stunning brunette stood a head above the crowd, but it was her tight, red dress that caught my attention. The cut hugged her curves and pushed out her enormous breasts. As she approached, I realized it wasn’t her height that was elevating her above the crowd but her slim, red high-heel pumps that sparkled in the summer sun. I couldn’t take my eyes off those glorious shoes. I didn’t know what it was about them, but I was entranced like never before and my eyes followed her as she came toward me, nearly brushing me and kept walking past. I turned around and followed her as she disappeared into the crowd. I was dead in my tracks and my Mormon missionary companion was staring with me, but his eyes were locked onto her a little higher than her shoes.
“Oh man, Elder Bracken, for the longest time, I thought you were gay,” my companion said as he laughed. “But after I watched you follow her from down the road, I know you like brunettes. Not that I blame you, she was way hot!” It took a few minutes for his words to sink in. I didn’t bother telling him that I was way more interested in her fabulous pumps than her body, and instead I just keep walking. I was as queer as a three-dollar bill, and I knew it. I kept waiting for God to change me straight and I was willing to try anything to make the feelings go away. I’d gone half way around the world because I thought that’s what God wanted me to do, and all I asked for him in return was for me to be like all the other guys and fall in love with a woman. I told my bishop before I left that I needed his help to make me attracted to women
and his advice for me was to simply follow all the rules that were preached to everyone else; read my scriptures, pray, go to church and, of course, pay my tithing. But the Mormon mission was to be my coup de grâce. My bishop told me if I went and served the lord I would be blessed and when I came home I would be able to find that pretty little thing that would make my heart go pitter-patter. I couldn’t be more excited to get out to the mission field. But even after all that fasting and prayer, there I was more interested in a pair of 10inch stilettos than I was in the woman who filled the shoes. It was hopeless and I knew it. The depression I began to feel as I slowly realized I wasn’t going to suddenly like boobs hit me like a train and I began to struggle in everyday tasks. Sleeping was nearly impossible and the thought of suicide was a constant companion. When I finally came out to myself and later to friends and family, everyone seemed to be an expert on how to change your sexuality. Steeling myself against their attacks was tough, but slowly I regained my life. I didn’t participate in any so-called reparative therapy, other than the Mormon Church, and the one solace I have about it is that it didn’t take me longer than 21 years to come out and stop trying to change who I was. Q
SNAP: New Yorkers support new law Anti-gay groups face an uphill battle to passed in New York. According to a recent poll, 55 percent of New Yorkers support the bill, while 37 percent oppose. A full 72 percent of Democrats in New York support the law and 47 percent of Republicans oppose it. Organizations such as the anti-gay National Organization for Marriage have vowed to fight to overturn the law, but without the support from the electorate, that appears highly unlikely.
SLAP: Homosexuality criminalized in Ghana The so-called human-rights commissioner of the African country of Ghana said she will never support the decriminalization of sex between men in the country. There has been a recent flurry of activity over the law and several reparative-therapy camps have opened in the country. She said the country is not yet ready to grant rights to homosex-
uals, however, the law only mentions sex o
between men and does not outlaw lesbian
y sex. The penalties for gay sex range from
fines to jail time.
SNAP: Starbucks CEO cancels speech The CEO of Starbucks, Howard Shultz, canceled a speech he had scheduled at a Chicago-based church titled, “How
o Starbucks Fought for its Life Without Losing
its Soul.” After a petition against the church circled the Internet because of its ties to an anti-gay group called Exodus International, Schultz canceled his appearance and
s released a statement that said neither he -
lambda lore Gay Mormon Temple sealings on the way?
snaps & slaps overturn the marriage equality bill recently
nor Starbucks would support any group
that does not advocate for tolerance and acceptance of everyone. Starbucks has
t inclusive corporate measures protecting - against bias based on sexual orientation y and gender identity. In response to the n cancellation, the pastor gave a speech reiterating its stance on, and opposition to, homosexuality.
AUGUST 18, 2011
By Ben Williams
am amazed sometimes where I find references to articles I have written for Michael Aaron over the past seven years. I just found an article on Wikipedia that referenced a piece I wrote for him in 2004. There is, in the world of historians, a special niche for those who love Utah history but there’s even a smaller cubbyhole for those who record Utah’s gay history. Other than Connell O’Donovan and Michael Quinn, both now living in California, I know of no others writing this stuff besides me. Whereas young people are living in the now, and there’s so few older folks who remember or care about the gay past, perhaps there’s not a need for a larger consortium. As more and more younger people see themselves less of a “folk,” the relevancy of a history of that people becomes less and less, I fear. My friend Kyle Foote told me I could make my column more relevant to a younger audience by tying the past to current events. However, since I cannot keep pace with current events anymore, and have stopped thinking of myself as a contemporary man since the mid-2000s, I find that prospect daunting. Nevertheless he suggested I write about a remark I made during dinner conversation with an indomitable spirited hero of mine, Charles Lynn Frost. We were pondering (code for gossiping and being catty) the future relationship of the LDS Church to the gay community and whether gays would ever be allowed to be sealed in LDS religious ceremonies. Frost was doubtful due to the basic theological premise that salvation is only reserved for heterosexuals. While agreeing that would be a lofty hurdle, I really didn’t see it as a lasting obstacle for LDS folk. LDS theology is, if anything, highly flexible and plastic to the conditions of the times. LDS folks give lip service to the glorious pioneers and the prophets of the past but as probably one of the most pragmatic churches on earth, it will not let essential dogma of yesteryear impede the expediency of today. Time eventually will bury the homophobia of today’s ecclesiastical authorities as it did its racist ones. Today’s church is still ruled by men whose worldview essentially was formed in the 1950s when homosexuality was synonymous with perversion and subversion. Simply put, queers were un-American. I suggested to my dinner companions that ending the 50-year war that the LDS Church has been waging against homo-
sexuals could end as simply as issuing a new political and public relation revelation akin to the 1978 Blacks and the priesthood shocker. Unless you were a member of the LDS Church prior to that year, one would hardly know how racist the views of its church members were, beliefs they claimed were supported by scripture. That’s all in the dustbin of history now and LDS apologists have been scrubbing church records clean of racism ever since. As a historian a truism is that history will repeat itself because human nature is slow to evolve. I truly believe that LDS
In the LDS Church’s 19th century past, men were sealed to men in what was then known as the Law of Adoption. youth of today will sweep away homophobia when they are the authorities in the same manner as did Spencer ‘Spin’ Kimball. How many years will this take? Twenty? Thirty? Maybe fewer. I am no prophet. But it will happen. Charles listened patiently, then countered with a perceived flaw in my argument, “Ah! But Ben, the highest degree of glory is still predicated on heterosexuality whether white, black, or mixed.” “That is true. True for the moment but it has not always been true, and might not be in the future,” I countered. In the LDS Church’s 19th century past, men were sealed to men in what was then known as the Law of Adoption. Brigham Young even stated that there will be a future time “when men would be sealed to men in the priesthood in a more solemn ordinance than that by which women were sealed to men, and in a room over that in which women were sealed to man.” Granted the original sealing of men to men was a way for a man to gain one-upman-ship in the Celestial Kingdom. The
original thought behind the Law of Adoption was that a man’s heavenly kingdom would be expanded by having underlings sealed to him. Brigham Young had himself sealed to Joseph Smith as well as 38 young men, only a few less than the women he had sealed to him I might add. But still think of the possibilities. Since the LDS have already laid the theological basis that a person’s celestial glory could be advanced by adoption as well as by procreation, it would not take a giant leap of faith to seal men to men in a loving relationship. A bigger hurdle, it would seem to me, is sealing women to women. In LDS theology, as currently constituted, the priesthood is the authority that binds relationships for all eternity. This is not an issue in the Community of Christ, formerly the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints nor in the Restoration Church of Jesus Christ. The RCJC branch of Mormonism was founded in 1985 as an outreach to gay men and women and other disfranchised people who did not fit or were rejected by the mainstream LDS Church. Michael Quinn makes the case that the LDS Church gave women the priesthood as early as 1843 when presiding patriarch Hyrum Smith blessed Leonora Cannon Taylor. “You shall be blesst [sic] with your portion of the Priesthood which belongeth to you, that you may be set apart for your Anointing and your induement [endowment].” However we all know that Brigham Young queered the deal for Utah women after that. In 1984 the RLSD Church ended its ban on women holding priesthood. The following year Pamela Calkins, a Sister Missionary of the LDS Church, converted to the RCJC and was ordained an Elder within the LDS Melchisedec Order of the Priesthood. In 1986 Elder Calkins and three other Lesbians of the RCJC formed a polygamous union without the need of a man since they all held various forms of the priesthood. In 1982 the RLDS Church began to reconcile with gay people and welcomed them into the church. However, while allowing gays to hold the priesthood they required them to be celibate. This policy has been an ongoing debate within that church. In 2007, the church published “the call to uphold the inestimable worth of persons of all sexual orientations and gender identities in Community of Christ congregations.” If history is any indicator, like water smoothing stone, so will the constant progressive by gentle pressure of the gay Civil Rights movement change the attitudes of LDS people toward gay members of their own families and to gay people in general. This I do believe because most LDS people ultimately love their families over their church’s outdated and hurtful dogmas. Q
AUGUST 18, 2011
the straight line Hope and change By Bob Henline
verybody remember those two words? They were on the tip of everyone’s tongues back in the fall of 2008 when Barack Obama was elected to the presidency. Now, nearly three years later, we’ve fallen back to the more traditional political catch phrases, like scare and blame. What has happened over the past few years that we seem to have given up so easily? I will admit, I’ve had my frustrations with President Obama. I was disappointed when he allowed Congress to prevent the closure of the torture facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. I was furious when he defended Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in federal court, although Congress had already passed the pseudo-repeal. I’m still disappointed that the Employment NonDiscrimination Act hasn’t made it to Congress, and this debt deal certainly doesn’t rate on my list of all-time favorite legislative actions. What I’m really disappointed with the most over the past three years, though, is myself and by extension, the rest of America’s electorate. What we have failed to realize, myself included, is that the change that needs to occur in our communities, in Utah and in this country are way too big to be the responsibility of any one person – even a person with the full power of the presidency behind them. Our government, by its very nature, is reactionary. It responds to the will of the people, albeit sometimes that reaction is very slow. When there is a group of people making a great deal of noise, there will be elected officials paying attention to that noise, and it will impact the political process for better or for worse. The problem that we face, as proponents (and/or agents) of change, is that we aren’t making the right kind of noise at a high enough volume to overcome both the institutional lack of momentum and the pressure from
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the hyper-conservative elements that are busy making their noise as well. If we wish to truly make change within our government, then we have to start by making change within ourselves. Our elected leaders reflect our own flaws and weaknesses, they come from us and they are elected by us. If we demand better from them, we must be prepared to give better of ourselves. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve stood on the sidelines and cast stones at policy choices, without offering viable alternatives. But the time for that kind of political posturing has passed us by. It is time that we come together, work together, and cre-
on’t look at me, darlings, I’m still disfigured and hideous! A few days ago I was stung by a wasp and I blew up like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon. It was not pretty! It hurt like hell for a while but there wasn’t anything particularly alarming about it, so I just soldiered on (I’ve had worse cases of bloating and irritability, let me tell you!). But by the next day my entire left arm had swollen to Elephant Man-sized proportions. I couldn’t move my elbow and I kid you not, my forearm was 15 inches around. I have never looked so BEEFY! If it wasn’t for the throbbing pain, I would have thrown on a tank top and snapped a picture of my left side and posted it on a beardating website. Seriously, if those girls can still use their 1986 graduation picture and call themselves “straight acting” then I can sure as hell pretend to have forearms with a clear conscience. Ahem, but I digress. Before the wasp incident I was actually feeling pretty good about myself kittens, and here’s why. After being relentlessly harangued by friends and family for what seemed like forever, I finally ditched my antique flip phone and upgraded to a smart phone with an unlimited data-and-text plan. So know this, petals: I will no longer be mocked!
One of the most frustrating things that ate real and lasting solutions. Do you want full equality for all citizens I’ve seen over the past three years is how under law? That’s not going to happen if quickly our progressive elements turn on we split into various LGBTQ elements, or each other, scrambling to make one element’s issue more important than another. If we are to overcome the obstacles created by inherent conservatism and resistance, then we will need to work together, we will need to accept that while we do have differences, the end goal is what is important and we can put aside the differences to accomplish our ends. We need to embrace our diversity, for in it we find our strengths. It’s easy to blame the president, or Congress, or anyone else for the problems we face in our society today. It’s certainly easif we ignore equality among races, creeds, ier than shouldering the burden ourselves. religions or even genders. If we want equal- Unfortunately folks, until we accept our ity, we will need to build a true community responsibility and commit to working toof committed citizens ready to work for ward solutions, we are only in for more of equality for all, in all circumstances. We the same. It is long past time that we dewill need to believe in that equality and mand better of our elected officials, but it practice it among and for ourselves, then is also long past time that we put aside our our “leaders” will have no choice but to fol- anger, our hatred and our vitriol, and start giving better of ourselves. Q low.
Our government, by its very nature, is reactionary
mountain meadow mascara Text-Sting By Ruby Ridge
because I have absolutely no manual dexterity and C) Has a huge bright, easy-toread screen because simply put, cherubs, I’m old. I am now the proud owner of a black rubber-encased Motorola something something something. It has a technical name but I can’t remember it. Once I got over my initial fear of accidentally racking up minutes and butt dialing, I actually quite like my phone. I downloaded the cutest ukuWith my past billing statements in- lele ring tone which I thought at the time hand, I marched confidently into the Ve- sounded so happy and cheerful. Although, rizon store and listed my demands to this after I heard it go off in my gym locker, I adorable Hispanic guy who had the most realized “It’s Raining Men” doesn’t sound amazing eyelashes I have ever seen on a as gay as my ringtone. I don’t care, I’m not man (I mean real eyelashes, pumpkins, going to change it. Screw the world, I’m not like the fake Mylar ones we wear.) I kept owning it! I would be seriously remiss If I didn’t give a shout out to my dear friend Felicia (Pork Chop to her “friends.”) No not THAT Felicia, this one is white and naturally skinny. We were eating at Gourmandies late one night and while we were sitting there, Felicia optimized my phone and customized all sorts of apps before my very eyes. The girl is technologically gifted like you know those special people. What’s the name for them, oh yes that’s it, I remember, “idiot savants.” I keep thinking if Felicia could only get over her chronic shyness, agoraphobia, lack of perceptible rhythm, and appalling fashion sense, she could really be a great catch for someone. Trust me muffins, the girl needs to get out more. If you’re interested,text me, and I’ll send you her digits! Ciao, babies! Q starring at his eyes, and it was everything I You can see Ruby Ridge and the Matrons of could do to pay attention to his sales pitch. Mayhem in all of their polyester glory at Third I told him I just needed a smart phone that: Friday Bingo (every third Friday of the month A) I could drop from a great height because at 7 p.m.) at First Baptist Church (777 S. 1300 I am really clumsy. B) Has a large keyboard East).
Once I got over my initial fear of accidentally racking up minutes and butt dialing, I actually quite like my phone
AUGUST 18, 2011
who’s your daddy? Good dad, bad dad By Christopher Katis
hen I was a kid, barely older than Gus is now, I had this friend named Bobby. During fourth and fifth grades, we were pretty much inseparable. Bobby lived in the Allen Street Apartments in Midvale with his mom and big sister. His father was stationed with the Air Force somewhere back east. Bobby’s family fascinated me: his mother because as a teenager she had defected from communist East Germany and his father because he was pretty much non-existent. Bobby was this first person I ever knew whose parents were divorced. With his mom working all the time, and a father out of the picture, I suppose it made sense that Bobby liked to hang out at my house a lot — especially if it meant spending time with my dad, who always made Bobby feel welcome and a part of our family. My dad is one of those guys who believed that for a boy growing up, someone else’s dad part of the time was better than no dad at all. Kelly is a lot like my dad in that way. This summer he’s become a surrogate dad to a couple of Gus’ friends. During the day, he’s always got an extra kid or two around. Yesterday, for example, Kelly brought flowers to my office for our 23rd anniversary. There he stood with our boys ... and the neighbor kid. Tonight I came home to find one of Gus’ classmates ready to have dinner with us. Don’t get me wrong, these boys are nice kids. I just never know what to expect or who’s going to be a part of my family for the next few hours. Kelly revels in that — me, not so much. As my boss used to tell her kids growing up, “Home is where I go when I’m done being nice to people.” I guess after a day working in public relations, I’m done being nice when I get home! The time Kelly spends with these kids is important. As I’ve said in this column many times before: it’s important for us as a two-dad family to be open and active in our kids’ lives. Kelly isn’t just a fatherfigure to these kids, he’s a gay man being a father-figure to them. Hopefully, he’ll influence the type of men these boys will become, and that will likely extend to their opinion and views about gay people. Because of their experiences with Kelly — with us — the boys I can’t seem to get rid of today, may one day be voting to overturn Utah’s ban on gay mar-
riage, or demanding adoption rights for gay couples. I guess the difference between us really boils down to philosophy about fatherhood: I love being a father to my two sons. Kelly just loves being a father. And that makes me wonder about myself. I guess I heard so often how becoming
a dad was going to change me so completely, that I figured my tolerance for kids in general would dramatically increase. Obviously, that hasn’t happened. I remember when I was on a week-long paternity leave with Gus. On the morning of the third day, I was told in no uncertain terms by my “work wife,” Teresa, to quit calling the office. By that afternoon, I had called my mom, feeling like a schmuck because all I really wanted to do was go back to work. To my surprise, she burst out laughing at the mere idea of me being a stay-at-home parent. “No one would ever expect you to stay home with kids,” she said. Kelly, on the other hand, is freakishly suited for the job. That’s probably why he
mind gaymes Coping skills By Kyle Foote
hen someone is diagnosed with any chronic condition, from Krohn’s disease to cancer to any type of mental illness, the first reaction automatically is, “Why me? Poor me!” That’s natural and part of experiencing the shock of a serious health diagnosis. Staying stuck in that attitude is another story — a sad story, one we could all do without. Here are some tools, tips, and tricks for surviving a diagnosis of any type of mental illness; whether it be obsessivecompulsive disorder, depression, bipolar disorder or even unmanageable anxiety. Having realistic expectations about one’s self, others and the world around us are the first steps in managing a mental illness. Easier said than done. Particularly when you have a mental illness, because chances are likely that your take on reality is a little bit skewed. It’s worthwhile to have a trusted friend or relative with whom you can check your reality. They can help you maintain equilibrium and stay on course to healthy thoughts and healthy management of a mental illness. It really is possible to control our mental mindset and thoughts; it’s just difficult and takes practice. That’s where finding some form of relaxation or meditation technique can be really helpful. Meditation is all about releasing our toxic thoughts and understanding that thinking is just that; it’s not reality, it’s not action and it may even be somewhat nonsensical. With a regular meditation practice, you will soon control your irrational or alternative interpretations of events to a more equitable and peaceful way. For example, suppose someone you
know treats you rudely. Some irrational thoughts and reactions might be to think that that person is horrible or “everyone dislikes me.” Meditation is a technique that helps us recognize uncontrollable thoughts and replace them with more fact-based, realistic and peaceful thoughts. Everyone experiences stress in some form. Stress is not going to go away, but how we deal with it can be changed. It just takes practice and commitment. When anyone is diagnosed with a chronic ailment, two of the first things people feel are out of control and discouraged. Here’s where a few self-efficacy (like that big word — it just means taking care of yourself in an independent and motivated way) needs a little improvement. Some things we can do to increase the self-efficacy we bring to bear on our experiences are: 1. Set goals. Live a life of goals. After all, self-efficacy is not developed unless we begin to succeed at things and can easily monitor our success. By setting goals and rewarding yourself when you attain them, you are well on the way to healthy recovery. Just be sure that they are realistic and obtainable goals. For example, you could say “today I’m going to notice when I’m being negative and turn it around to positive.” When you do this, reward yourself. My favorite reward is a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream — any flavor that includes chocolate will do — although I wouldn’t want to reward myself everyday with some Ben and Jerry’s, but you get the basic idea. 2. Break your goals down into reasonable and achievable steps. 3. Find healthy role models. Role models may or may not be someone you know.
has no problem piling a bunch of prepubescent boys into the car and zooming off to the planetarium, swimming pool, park or a hike. On one level, I’m very grateful that he’s the kind of parent who does that. I want the neighborhood kids to feel welcome and accepted at our house. And deep down I probably like the fact that Kelly’s the “cool” dad. On another level, I just wish he’d send them all home. At the end of fifth grade, Bobby’s family moved to Bountiful and I never saw or heard from him again. Every now and then I think about him and the fun times we had had together. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wonder if he ever thinks about my dad. Q
Basically, they need to be inspirational figures who demonstrate mastery. Winston Churchill is one of my favorites. He suffered from depression, and when it occurred, he would call it “my black dog” and think about how to tame it. 4. Practice positive self-talk. Build up successes instead of belittling yourself for the teeniest of faults. 5. Remember that it takes time, energy and effort to succeed. Professional athletes know that wanting to win and putting in the hours of training necessary are basic requirements of success; everyday life also needs that push to succeed. These five basic activities are helpful in developing self-efficacy, whether you have a chronic ailment or not. Once you start practicing them, you will soon develop a healthier perspective on life and self-confidence. Finally, there is your support system. Having a strong support system — preferably one with a good sense of humor — is a coping skill. Are there people you can count on to listen to you when you need to talk? Are they non-judgmental? Can you count on them to support you in your decisions? Research shows that people with a solid support system are much more successful at overcoming depression, maintaining a healthy sense of self-esteem and overcoming loneliness. There’s also evidence to suggest that having a good support system leads to fewer health complaints — mental or physical. Taking control of your self and managing a mental illness are not easy things to do. By being proactive, following a few simple steps and developing a strong support system, it’s easy to get an increased feeling of competence and truly be the master of your own destiny. Q
Kyle Foote facilitates a free NAMI Connection Support Group for members of the LGBT community with a mental illness. All in need are encouraged to attend. The group is held Monday nights, excluding holidays, at 7 p.m. at the Salt Lake Community College Downtown Campus, 231 E. 400 South, Room 111. For info contact Kyle Foote at facebook.com/newtopic or visit namiut.org.
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aters goin’ hate, am I right? And according to Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern, the most hateful thing you can say to a gay person is that they’re OK the way they are. In a July 27 radio interview with American Family Association’s Tim Wildmon, the two spun a rather perverse picture of the “compassion” they feel for homosexuals. “As you just said, nobody hates the individual homosexual,” Wildmon says. “We want to see them come to repentance and know the Lord and have their lives changed, that’s what we want to see. So we have compassion for people like that.” “People like that,” eh Wildmon? Nice. Sounds super compassionate. Kern responds, “To me what is hateful is when those people who say ‘you’re born this way, there’s no hope in change, you’re stuck in this, deal with it.’ That is hate. There’s no hope in that.” There’s just no arguing with Kern’s response. It’s definitely more compassionate to lie to gays, telling them that they’re broken and can be “fixed” if only they love the Lord enough. Mind you, this is the same woman who told a group of her supporters, “I honestly think (homosexuality is) the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorist and Islam.” Then she claimed that gays want to get “our children” (“2-year-olds!” she shrieked). She again evokes the specter of the homosexual menace in her interview with Wildmon. “(I)n my opinion the homosexual movement is the tip of the spear,” she says. “They’re the ones who right now are beating down the door, have their foot in the door, trying to tear down the moral fiber of America. We have to stand up to that. The reason it’s the tip of the spear you don’t see ‘Adulterers Victory Fund’ out there trying
to promote adultery. God’s people got to stand up to this.” “Adulterers Victory Fund” is her swipe at the Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund, a group she’s not an especially big fan of ever since they exposed her “gays are worse than terrorism” comments. She and Wildmon address that little incident while discussing the title of Kern’s new book, The Stoning of Sally Kern: The Liberal Attack on Christian Conservatism And Why We Must Take a Stand. “I didn’t choose that title, the publishing company did. I had No Apology and No Regrets and they felt that was a little too bland. And so I came up with Holyphobe because I was so sick and tired of being called a homophobe. I don’t hate or fear homosexuals, they’re sinners that need to be saved by grace, just like I’m a sinner. The only one I want to fear is the Lord,” she says. “They kind of played it off of the stoning of Steven in scripture. He was literally stoned and I was figuratively stoned.” Figuratively stoned? Really? Sounds like someone has a persecution complex. When Wildmon asks her to provide an example of her persecution, she offers the Gay and Lesbian Victory Fund distributing her anti-gay rant; a rant, she says, that was only three minutes of a much longer talk. As if the rest of the talk would have somehow put “gays are worse than terrorists” in a more kindhearted context. Wildmon goes out of his way to make clear that the Victory Fund “secretly taped” Kern’s talk, as if a public figure has any expectation of privacy when she gives public talks in which she says bat-shit crazy things. Chill out Tim. She was giving a speech, not taking a dump. Well, not a literal one, anyway. Q
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So many great performances to choose from, we bet you can’t pick just three! Utah Symphony | Utah opera 2011–12 SeaSon Calendar proGram
Date | tIme
BeethoVen’S nInth Symphony
SePTeMBer 9–10 | 8 PM
BeethoVen’S “emperor” ConCerto
SePTeMBer 23–24 | 8 PM
SaLUte to yoUth
SePTeMBer 27 | 7 PM
FIDELIO by ludwig Van Beethoven
OCTOBer 8–16 | 7:30 PM & 2 PM (SUn)
tChaIKoVSKy’S “LIttLe rUSSIan”
OCTOBer 21–22 | 8 PM
OCTOBer 25 | 7 PM
the KInG’S SInGerS WIth the Utah Symphony
OCTOBer 28–29 | 8 PM
VIenna BoyS’ ChoIr (No orchestra at this performance.)
nOVeMBer 3 | 7:30 PM
BeethoVen’S SeVenth Symphony
nOVeMBer 4–5 | 8 PM
BeethoVen’S “paStoraL” Symphony
nOVeMBer 11–12 | 8 PM
BerLIoZ’ CHILDHOOD OF CHRIST
nOVeMBer 18–19 | 8 PM
nOVeMBer 26–27 | 7 PM
LISZt’S pIano ConCerto no. 2
deCeMBer 2–3 | 8 PM
hoLIDay CeLeBratIon WIth CIrQUe De La SymphonIe
deCeMBer 16–17 | 8 PM
here ComeS Santa CLaUS!
deCeMBer 17 | 11 aM & 12:30 PM
VIDeo GameS LIVe: BonUS roUnD!
deCeMBer 30 | 8 PM
tChaIKoVSKy’S pIano ConCerto no. 1
JanUarY 6–7 | 8 PM
BraVo BroaDWay: DanCInG & romanCInG
JanUarY 13–14 | 8 PM
RIGOLETTO by Giuseppe Verdi
JanUarY 21–29 | 7:30 PM & 2 PM (SUn)
BeethoVen’S FIFth Symphony
FeBrUarY 3–4 | 8 PM
menDeLSSohn’S VIoLIn ConCerto
FeBrUarY 10–11 | 8 PM
raChmanInoFF & BeethoVen
FeBrUarY 17–18 | 8 PM
SIMPLY SINATRA WIth SteVe LIppIa
FeBrUarY 24–25 | 8 PM
BrahmS’ Symphony no. 1
MarCH 2–3 | 8 PM
THE ELIXIR OF LOVE by Gaetano donizetti
MarCH 10–18 | 7:30 PM & 2 PM (SUn)
CarnIVaL oF the anImaLS
MarCH 10 | 11 aM & 12:30 PM
raChmanInoFF’S pIano ConCerto no. 3
MarCH 23–24 | 8 PM
mahLer’S Symphony no. 4
aPrIl 6–7 | 8 PM
BeethoVen’S “eroICa” Symphony
aPrIl 13–14 | 8 PM
maGICaL mUSIC oF John WILLIamS
aPrIl 17 | 7 PM
CLaSSICaL myStery toUr: a trIBUte to the BeatLeS
aPrIl 20–21 | 8 PM
aPrIl 27–28 | 8 PM
OF MICE AND MEN by Carlisle Floyd
MaY 5–13 | 7:30 PM & 2 PM (SUn)
MaY 15 | 7 PM
BrahmS’ pIano ConCerto no. 1
MaY 18–19 | 8 PM
BeethoVen CyCLe ConCLUDeS
MaY 25–26 | 8 PM
WeBSaLe online Sale Save 20% One weekend only, august 25 – 29. Choose from 78 Utah Symphony | Utah Opera performances and receive subscriber benefits including free exchanges. Visit usuo.org/websale to explore all the possibilities. Use promo code “websale2011” before you choose your seats when making your purchase.
For more information about these performances or to purchase tickets, please call 801-533-note (6683) or visit www.usuo.org.
AUGUST 18, 2011
Surviving ‘ex-gay’ therapy programs By Seth Bracken
The long, red rope hung from the ceiling of his garage. He had moved his blue 2005 Mazda Miata convertible out into the driveway, despite the pouring rain, so he could hang the rope from the rafters. The oddest sensation of worry over the puddles forming on the leather seats and ruining his iPod formed a rock in his stomach. Hesitating, he pondered whether or not to raise the top. Deciding against it, realizing he would never again need it, he finished tying the noose by following the printed instructions he found on Google. It was his third try at the knot.
As he steadied the stool, he pulled the carefully folded note out of his pocket and smoothed it out on the tool table. As he stepped onto the stool, he wrapped the rope around his neck and took one last deep breath. As the air rushed past his teeth and into his lungs he wondered if the rope was strong enough to hold him. He kicked the stool. His neck snapped and he choked his last bit of air. As his vision blurred he saw his garage door opening and his mother’s car pulling up to the house.
The Story The 29-year-old Salt Lake City native had only lived outside of Utah for two years while serving a mission for the Mormon Church in Mexico. “My entire life was consumed with trying to turn straight. I knew I wouldn’t get to the highest level of heaven unless I could somehow become attracted to women and get married. I wanted it so badly. I would have done anything to turn straight,” Robert Bills (name has been changed) said. He tried everything. From the Mormonendorsed group Evergreen International to private counseling through LDS Family Services, Bills was meeting with different groups and counselors sometimes three or four times a week. His life was controlled by his desire to be straight. “I followed all the rules. I read my scriptures daily, I prayed constantly and I was totally involved in the Church. I was an elder’s quorum president for four years, [assistant to the president] of my mission and I went to the temple at least twice a week,” Bills said. “Despite the counselors constantly accusing me of doing it, I never masturbated or looked at pornography. I didn’t even look at clothing ads because I knew the underwear section would be too tempting.” In one of his sessions, Bills heard about the group called Journey into Manhood. He was told that the two-day retreat was worth the exorbitant
fee for a two-day camp. The website promised real results and said there was a high success rate of change. When he realized that the organizer of the event, Rich Wyler, was a Mormon involved with Evergreen International and who claims to have turned himself straight, it sealed the deal. Wyler claims on his website that men are gay because of a lack of masculine relationships with family members and friends. His theory is that people can change orientation by creating non-sexual connections with other men and he uses his own case as an example of how someone can change orientations. Although Bills has two brothers, a great relationship with his father, several very close male friends, and was always involved in sports in high school and briefly in college, he still signed up for the course. “No one would tell me what they did at the camp. It was supposed to be a secret. I was not prepared for what happened,” Bills said. “The retreat was filled with camping, weird holding positions and other intimate interaction with guys. We would touch and hold one another in the strangest ways. I kept hoping that this would somehow help me. I felt like it was my last hope. I’d tried everything else. This was it for me.” Through the entire weekend of singing and other rituals, Bills tried to keep a positive attitude. Wyler was promising real change and Bills knew it was his turn to finally be straight.
Continued on page 20
d m s k e n .
e s s s g d .
AUGUST 18, 2011
AUGUST 18, 2011
Surviving ‘ex-gay’ therapy Contiunued from page 18
‘Homosexuality is not authentic. It is not inborn. It comes from a lack of healthy, emotional masculine connections and we can help change that. I know that people can change and I can help facilitate that’
—Rich Wyler, co-founder of Journey into Manhood
“We had to share our most embarrassing moments with the other men. I was supposed to tell them about sexual encounters or the last time I looked at gay porn and exactly how I pleasured myself. Looking back, it had this strange feel of S&M sadomasochism to it. It was strangely erotic for supposedly being an area where I was going to become straight.” “I felt dirty just telling the story. But everyone else had a story. I didn’t want to feel left out, so I made one up,” Bills said. “My exercise partner hugged me and told me he loved me even though I had given a hand-job in public. It was ridiculous. And I knew it. I knew I wasn’t going to change.” After more than 10 years of therapy, counseling groups and retreats, Bills had given up. The Journey into Manhood retreat was the last straw. One evening while writing in his journal, like he did every night, his entry turned into a suicide note. “I started writing and realized I was writing a goodbye to my family. I told them I loved them and that I was better off dead. I couldn’t go on living like this,” Bills said. “It was only a few lines. I opened my laptop and Googled, ‘How to tie a noose.’ I grabbed a rope and went out to the garage. It was a chilly October evening.”
‘Running these camps and making money off of it is really scary. There is no evidence showing that they are effective. Reparative therapies thrive because homophobia thrives, no other reason.’
—Jerry Buie, founder of Pride Counseling
“I don’t remember anything after that,” Bills said. “My mom told me later that she frantically cut me down and called 911. She doesn’t remember much, like what she used to cut me down with or if I was responsive. All she can recall is her tears and terror.” The suicide attempt was a wake-up call for him. He sought out a new therapist, one that would help him come out to friends and family; he also began volunteering at local non-profits and spent the time he had used for therapy helping others. Bills met his boyfriend, of nearly a year, while helping out at the animal shelter and the pair now spends all the free time they can with their adopted dogs and pet iguana, Charles. The JiM retreat was the breaking point for Bills, and although his life was not taken, the false hope that he could somehow change his orientation was too much to handle. However, Wyler, the founder and facilitator of the retreat denies that his camp could possibly contribute to the depression or suicide of anyone. “Experiencing same-sex attraction is what caused me to want to commit suicide, not the other way around,” Wyler said. Wyler admits that his retreat won’t work for everyone, but said there’s no way of knowing whether or not people should attend the camp and whether it will work for them until they try it. “Homosexuality is not authentic. It is not inborn. It comes from a lack of healthy, emotional masculine connections and we can help change that,” Wyler said. “I know that people can change and I can help facilitate that.” However, the American Psychological
Association disagrees with Wyler and says that reparative therapies like his do not work, and can cause significant harm. “There has been no scientifically adequate research to show that therapy aimed at changing sexual orientation (sometimes called reparative or conversion therapy) is safe or effective,” the APA said in a press release. Reparative therapies can cause a false hope and bring about extreme depression, said Jerry Buie, owner and director of Pride Counseling. “I work a lot with gay and lesbians that have tried those therapies and my observation is that they are more severely and chronically depressed. They’re discouraged and often quite suicidal. The idea that their sexuality needs to change runs so deep, and these programs just reinforce that. Ultimately, it comes down to thinking if my sexual orientation doesn’t change, it’s because of my own lack of effort, which simply isn’t true,” Buie said. Wyler challenges Buie and the APA and asserts that there is evidence to support his retreat, but the APA won’t accept it. “They (the APA) have such a high standard for research, it’s almost impossible to meet,” Wyler said. “They require a control group and a reputable organization and continue to disregard research that doesn’t have these things.” Wyler runs his programs as a non-profit and each participant is required to pay a $650 fee. According to the most recent tax records available that the organization filed in 2007, 2008 and 2009, the income totaled more than $615,000. There are only two paid directors of the program, Wyler and a co-facilitator, Dave Matheson. “Running these camps and making money off of it is really scary,” Buie said. “There is no evidence showing that they are effective. Reparative therapies thrive because homophobia thrives, no other reason.” Although the retreat was a more enjoyable experience for Alan Robbins (name has been changed), he said he would like JiM more if the group didn’t say that everyone could be changed. “For me, it was a better opportunity to realize that I am not the only one that is gay, and although I am not sure where I want to go with my life now, I still value the friendships I made while I was at the conference,” Robbins said. “I didn’t turn straight and I don’t think many people do and I wish they wouldn’t be so unclear about what they mean when they say ‘change.’ For me, it was about changing my attitude.” “I know people can change, and it is not possible that the Journey into Manhood could contribute to suicide like that. We don’t teach that here,” Wyler said. Bills disagrees. “The false hope of changing to straight at the Journey into Manhood conference, the way that Wyler talked and the promises made contributed directly to my decision to take my life,” Bills said. “Thank god it didn’t work. I am so glad they didn’t beat me.”
Religious Influence Although Todd Hess did not participate in the JiM retreat, he tried other so-called reparative therapy treatments offered through LDS Family Services. “I went through individual, group and sports therapy sessions off and on for about five or six years,” Hess said. “Yes, sports therapy. They honestly thought we could learn to be straight by playing basketball.” While putting his education, career and life on hold, Hess fought an unbeatable battle to change his sexuality and be a full practicing member of the Mormon faith. “For more than five years I did everything I could to turn straight,” Hess said. “Nothing worked for me. No matter how hard I tried or prayed, nothing worked.” Hess was counseled that if he didn’t change his orientation and marry a woman, he would never reach the highest level of exaltation in the afterlife. “All my faith was placed in the church so I thought that their counseling had to be inspired. I believed they could talk to god, how could god have lead them astray?” Hess asked. While the Mormon Church no longer operates the same counseling services, leaders recommend that people that are gay or lesbian seek out private therapists and programs such as Evergreen International. Evergreen is not officially run by the Mormon Church, but the lessons are in line with Mormon doctrine; the conferences are attended by Mormon general authorities and often held in church-owned buildings. Evergreen teaches that sexuality can be altered, which is in stark contrast with the official Mormon statement that gay members should simply remain celibate their entire lives. When contacted repeatedly about the Mormon Church’s relationship with Evergreen, the press department had no comment. “I went to all the Evergreen conferences. I paid thousands of dollars to them so they would change me to straight. They say that it’s not condoned by the Mormon Church, but there’s always Mormon leadership at all the events and it’s preposterous to think that the two aren’t connected. My bishop referred me to Evergreen,” Bills said. “It’s their way of staying politically correct with the main church organization while still trying to change people.” Both Evergreen and Journey into Manhood will be holding conferences in Utah next month. “If I could tell people that are thinking about going one thing, it would be that they shouldn’t. Don’t give them your money so they can continue to give you false hope that you’ll magically turn straight,” Bills said. “It took me going to the brink and almost taking my life to realize that and I wish people didn’t have to be pushed that far to understand that.” Q
AUGUST 18, 2011
SEPTEMBER 10th & 11th
WORLD MUSIC STAGE
20+ Musical Acts
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22 LAGOON NEWS DAY
AUGUST 18, 2011
Lagoon Day Over a thousand gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender amusment park lovers attended this year’s QSaltLake Lagoon Day on August 7. Here are some of the photos submitted by our readers. Go to the QSaltLake Facebook page — facebook.com/qsaltlake — to see more and vote on your favorites by clicking on “Like.” Top vote-getters as of noon, September 1 will win one of three spa certificates: $25, $50 and the top dog gets $100.
AUGUST 18, 2011
LAGOON NEWS DAY
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AUGUST 18, 2011
24 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
THIRD FRIDAY BINGO
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
See August 19
gay agenda Mattress of Mayhem By Tony Hobday
Recently I was jumping on my bed after passionate mid-morning love-making (yes, with someone else) when a spring popped through the mattress. Needless to say it was time to go mattress shopping. I went to Deseret Industries, Dollar Tree, KSL.com, Dog Show Grooming, all to no avail. I would have tried Walmart but I wasn’t dressed examines gender roles, social constraints appropriately. It wasn’t until after a week of and the power of secrets. Jeanne Wagner Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, love-making on the bedroom floor that I realized 4pm, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets are free, must RSVP, there is an IKEA in Utah ... I’m such a shameful fag. planbtheatre.org.
thursDAY — From what I’ve read, it appears Pocatello Pride is making a grand comeback. If memory serves, a celebration hasn’t been forgone in the last 10 years, but has sometimes dwindled in size and planning. This year the festival has scheduled a skating party and masquerade ball before the opening of the festival. Plus, transsexual rapper Katastrophe, the Grand Marshal, headlines the entertainment lineup which includes local drag troupe Charley’s Angels. Times vary, through Saturday, venues vary, Pocatello, Idaho. Tickets $5–20, pocatellopride.com.
friDAY — Ruby Ridge and her Mattress of Mayhem (actually it’s Matrons of Mayhem ... it’s like I have a tick when it comes to Ruby) are back for their Third Friday Bingo extravaganza. This month’s proceeds benefit the Special Needs Foundation ... which really means Ruby. Get your Bingo on for some fabulous prizes.
7–9:30pm, First Baptist Churh, 777 S. 1300 East. Bingo cards $5, tinyurl. com/mattressbingo.
UPCOMING EVENTS Sep. 28 Erasure Kingsbury Hall
Sep. 30 Kathy Griffin Abravanel Hall
saturDAY — Grammy award-winning folkgoddess Melissa Etheridge will rock Deer Valley tonight, and the lesbians will be out in droves. I hear there’s a Monster Mud Truck Contest or some damn thing earlier in the day. Anyhoo, spanning a 20-year career and 10 albums, the 50-year-old lesbian musician has become an icon in the LGBT community. Really, her music just plain kicks butt.
thursDAY — Join hundreds of fans who make Momentum one of the most anticipated dance performances in Salt Lake City. In its fifth year, Momentum 2011 brings a unique opportunity to witness the creativity, physicality, sophistication and maturity of some of Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company Alumni’s most promising artists. The choreographers include Juan Carlos Claudio, Jill Voorhees Edwards, Elizabeth Stich and Liberty Valentine. 8pm, through Saturday, Black Box Theatre, Rose Wagner Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $15, 801355-ARTS or arttix.org.
QQ This Grand Theatre production, A lways... Patsy Cline, is as legendary as the woman herself. Cline was one of the most influential, successful and acclaimed female vocalists of the 20th century, and this heartfelt story of an uncommon bond that rarely occurs between an artist and a fan is what keeps it coming back year after year. 7:30pm, through Sep. 10, Grand Theatre, 1575 S. State St. Tickets $10–24, 801-957-3322 or thegrand.org.
friday — As a dawning of the Golf Classic 2011 on Sunday — you know all hoQQ Frontwoman, Jennifer Nettles, of the up-and-coming country mosexuals need at least a full rock band Sugarland recently said that if asked “what are your 24 hours between partying musical tastes?”, she would respond “that of a gay man.” What and doing anything active — the Utah Pride a diva! From original songs like “Stay” and “All I Want to Do” to Center presents their annual Party on the covers like “Love Shack” and “Stayin’ Alive,” the duo is stealing Patio. There will be a contest for the best the gay heart of America. Sara Bareilles opens. ... or most hideous argyle outfit. Rodney 7:30pm, USANA Amphitheatre, 5150 S. 6055 West. Tickets $25–54, 801-467- Dangerfield ... may he rest in peace ... eat 8499 or smithstix.com. your dried-up old heart out! 7pm, Deer Valley Amphitheater, 2270 Deer Valley Drive East. Tickets $40, 435-655-3114 or ecclescenter.org.
wednesDAY — As part of Plan-B Theatre
Company’s renowned Script-in-Hands Series, and in partnership with the Civil Liberties Union of Utah, comes a free staged reading of Henrik Ibsen’s A DOLL HOUSE, in a new translation by Eric Samuelsen. The play, considered the first truly feminist play,
7–10pm, Club JAM, 715 N. 300 West. Tickets $10 at the door, utahpridecenter.org.
QQ Salt Lake Acting Company presents the second annual Fearless Fringe Festival. Fringe theatre describes alternative or non-mainstream forms and declarations of
art. SLAC, a Utah staple of non-traditional performance art, showcases three works in various stages of production and that have been given the opportunity to see where the pieces of work stand with the assistance of space, simple set pieces, lights, sound and, most importantly, an audience. Hours vary, through Sunday, Salt Lake Acting Company, 168 W. 500 North. Tickets $12 each show or $24 for all three, 801-363-7522 or saltlakeactingcompany.org.
saturday — Called a “playful mishmash of art, food and drink,” the Salt Lake Art Center presents Art Nosh, a special evening with local winery Kiler Grove Winegrowers. A winemaker will lead a wine course at which you will taste your way through fruit inspired hors d’oeuvres designed to complement the wine selections. There will also be a curator-led tour of the current exhibition Fallen Fruit.
6:30–8:30pm, Salt Lake Art Center, 20 S. West Temple. Tickets $30–35, 801-328-4201 or slartcenter.org.
sunday — It’s time to pull
out the big clubs for the Golf Classic 2011, the annual Utah Pride Center golf tournament. The day includes breakfast and lunch, prizes and 18 holes of golf. It has become one of the most acclaimed community events of the year. Prizes for the most hole-in-oners ... that should be easy for all homos, include camping gear, certificates, mountain bike and more.
6:30am breakfast & 8am shotgun start, Stonebridge Golf Club, 4415 W. Links Drive. Registration $125, utahpridecenter.org.
QQ For a groovy Sunday, which is rare in Utah, check out the SmashBash Music Festival. Local artists, boutiques, food vendors and bands join up to celebrate this daylong event. Bands include Toy Bombs, Red Bennies, Dirty Blonde and many more. Screw family home ... whatever! 10am-8pm, Gallivan Center, 301 W. South Temple. Tickets $5/adv.–$8/day of show, smashbashlocalmusicfestival.blogspot.com.
AUGUST 18, 2011
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Trans comic reaches out to straight audiences
an Harvie embraces his label as a trans comic. He’s made a show out of it. “I’m not afraid to be pigeonholed as a trans comic,” Harvie said in a phone interview with QSaltLake. “I am an identity comic. I tell people my story and hopefully people can identify with it and laugh along with me.” Harvie hasn’t performed in Utah, yet. But the Utah Valley University’s UVU Spectrum–LGBTQI/ Straight Alliance is starting a fund to bring him in for a performance in October, provided the fundraising goals are met. Due to budgetary concerns by the university, all $5,000 to pay for his travel and stay has to be paid by individual donors and sponsors. “We would love for this to become a community and campus event. Ian is so funny and his material isn’t just for people who identify as queer or trans,” said the Spectrum’s co-chair Ronni Sorenson. “We know that Utah County has a reputation of being kind of conservative and close-minded. And even if it’s only a little, we’d like to help change that.” Harvie has been involved in comedy for more than 10 years and recently finished a three-year tour opening for gay-icon Margaret Cho. “I don’t think that I would call myself a pioneer and I think I am more of an inadvertent activist. I like to tell my story and I think people can just identify with it,” Harvie said. Although he performs largely for straight audiences, he said there’s very little backlash to his comedy and the main theme of his set is about body issues. “I don’t think there’s anyone out there who is totally happy with their body and how they look,” Harvie said. “People alter their images through surgeries, makeup and other means all the time. How is my story that different?” While exploring issues that affect trans people, Harvie said he makes a connection with
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an audience that is undeniable and a more human experience than anything else. “I think the biggest problem I’ve faced is the whole bathroom issue after the show and people find out I am a trans man,” Harvie said. “Like somehow my peeing in the same room will be contagious or something.” Harvie’s performance is penciled in for Oct. 11 at UVU, but all the funding has to be raised before the event can become a certainty. Those that are willing to be sponsors will receive a variety of benefits including advertising on the posters and a chance to meet Harvie. For more information and to donate, email uvuspectrum@ gmail.com.
sWerve Butch/Femme Ball
Equality Utah Allies Dinner
UAF Bike & Walk for Life
A Gay Men’s Retreat September 23-25, 2011
Windwalker Ranch, Spring City Utah
Come and enjoy the companionship of other queer men in a rustic setting. Dialogue, explore, stretch, and play, while participating in bonﬁres, yoga, heart circles and a sweat lodge. Retreat cost includes lodging and meals. For more information, visit ww www.queerspirit.org/retreats or email JERRYBUIE@MAC.COM or call 801-557-9203. Mention this ad and call for a free Microscopic Evaluation
World AIDS Day worldaidsday.org December 17
sWerve White Party swerveutah.com
Pride Center Golf Classic
1st Annual Moab Pride Festival December 18 PWACU Annual Holiday Party moabpride.org
National Coming Out Day Breakfast
Salt Lake Men’s Choir at the Utah State Fair
PWACU Living with AIDS Seminar
To get your major event included on this list, email email@example.com
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AUGUST 18, 2011
26 FOOD & DRINK
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restaurant review ZY, a new marvel
By Chef Drew Ellsworth
2148 Highland Drive
2305 South Highland Drive – 801-484-2771
More queer-friendly restaurants are at PINQpages.com
ast Wednesday night I went to dine at ZY restaurant in downtown Salt Lake City. This was a very special evening because my dining partner was my friend and former roommate Lee Williams. In the early 1980s we shared a very cool bachelor pad high above the city on De Soto Street on Capitol Hill. We held the original meetings of Affirmation there; much to the dismay of our many LDS neighbors. Our home was a gathering place for a throng of gays seeking fun and enlightenment at a time when few were out of the closet. Those years were the best of times. ZY is on upper State Street next to the new Marriott and we found parking right in front. The setting is very contemporary with soaring ceilings and a massive windowed front. There are new floors and a juxtaposition of exposed brick. I liked the feel of the place very much. We were met by a very friendly maître d’, Miles Broadhead, who ushered us to a table next to the large windows where we enjoyed the view of the many passers-by hustling to and fro. The table was set with linen which I always like to see and our waitress, Rebecca, was charming and knowledgeable. ZY’s motto is Food, Wine and Cheese, so we put them to the test. Rebecca recommended the deep sea scallops and the summer tomato salad. The scallops were enormous, succulent and tender. Perfectly seared and served atop a mound of almond pesto laced with curry, and drizzled with butter and reduced red wine — yummy! The salad was composed of all small, garden tomatoes, housemade mozzarella, crunchy croutons and a very light dressing. Let’s talk about bread. We were served a round boule — too large to be a roll and not large enough to be a loaf — served with a large slice of butter. The bread had a nice crust and was quite dense. I was so happy to get some bread for a change. Many, many restaurants have stopped offering bread altogether, sometimes it makes me crazy! Bread, for me, is an indication what’s really going on in a kitchen and it’s also a handy tool that one needs while eating! Also, how would I have enjoyed the delicious garnishes on the scallops had I not had a piece of bread to soak up all that yumminess? Rarely do I purchase wine at a restaurant because I prefer to bring my own, but Lee and I
decided to try some of the wines by the glass. We started with a Claiborne and Churchill Gewurztraminer and a La Tour Grande Ardeche chardonnay. The Gewurz was spectacular with a burst of that spiciness that Gewurz is famous for, and my chardonnay was mellow, subtle and creamy. Both were just delicious. Our entrees arrived. Lee chose enchiladas with a verde sauce filled with spinach and mushrooms and I had the braised pork. The enchiladas were garnished with goat cheese and raisins and the green sauce was quite thick and, I thought, had an odd sweetness. The pork melted in my mouth and was perfectly seasoned. It came with spinach and a lot of sauteed mushrooms. Both Lee and I liked the pork more that we liked the enchiladas. We shared a glass of 4 Bears cabernet which, several years ago, I’d thought to be a really nice value wine. This time, however, I was disappointed and found it to be quite pedestrian. For dessert we had a parfait of strawberries in mango creme. The dish was very simple and elegant, and the strawberries were small and very sweet like the ones from my garden. Lee had fruit and cheese. If I had to be critical of something it would be the temperature. The scallops, the enchiladas and the pork were not piping hot. I know it’s hard to sear the scallops and to keep them hot without overcooking them and especially Mexican food needs to be very hot — had I been in the kitchen I would have passed the enchiladas under the broiler to get them steaming hot and to melt the goat cheese on the top. The owner/chef, Matthew Lake, came out to visit us. He was delightful and vivacious and obviously very proud of ZY. I think ZY is still having growing pains but I do believe they’re on the right track and I recommend you go there. Appetizers range from $5-12 and there isn’t one entree higher than $23! I rate ZY at 89 points. Q
To advertise, call 801-649-6663 ext. 1
AUGUST 18, 2011
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
All Time Low talks Utah and conservative critics By Seth Bracken
mart and sexy, the band members of All Time Low have grown up in the spotlight. The Maryland natives were signed before they graduated high school, and have toured with punk-pop giants Yellowcard, Fall Out Boy, Boys Like Girls and Good Charlotte. Lead singer Alex Gaskarth spoke with QSaltLake about their latest album, what to expect at their show, and how they respond to criticism and protest from the anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church. All Time Low will be at In The Venue, Aug. 19, with Mayday Parade, The Cab and We Are The In Crowd. Dirty Work is a terrific album. I think it combines some of your darker, edgier sounds with some tongue-in-cheek antics with great songs that we’ve grown to know and love with All Time Low. Was this a conscious effort, and was there any specific inspiration for the album? Absolutely, one of the big challenges with this album was to push ourselves beyond the pop-punk we’ve grown up in and explore different influences. We really wanted to get back to some of the ’90s music we grew up with — early Green Day, Third Eye Blind, Eve Six — sort of incorporate that into the new sound, and show some kind of development. You signed to Interscope Records for your latest album. Has it been an adjustment? Well, it was like going from being big fish in a small pond to small fish in a pond full of sharks. But the team we came into really appreciated our band and our sound. They never made any sort of attempt to change us or push us in a direction we weren’t comfortable going. They also helped open doors in international markets and reach new fans. My favorite track from your latest album is “Return the Favor,” I think it adds a new dynamic nature to the CD. What can you tell me about that track in particular? That’s one of my favorite songs as well. We’re really going for Queen meets Muse meets All Time Low. We just had fun and it doesn’t sound like much else on the album. Having the piano play such a heavy part of the song and adding the strings gave it more of a vaudeville sound. A lot of talk has been made about the band maturing and since you guys started right out of high school we were able to watch you grow up. What do you think? How has your music changed? I would definitely say it’s changed and matured. We were just kids that grew up in the pop-punk scene and as we’ve grown and changed, so has the music. Our influence has expanded to the pop and hip-hop world, and all kinds of music. A lot of tastes are driving us in different directions. It’s allowed us to push ourselves to the next level.
How have your fans changed? Have they aged with you? We’ve been really lucky. We have a terrific fan base that’s grown with us. There are people that were coming out when we were 17 and 18 years old, and we still see their faces at our shows. We’re really pleased we’ve created an immense community around our band. At the same time, our change in sound, direction, pace and popularity has brought in new, fresh faces from around the world. It’s very cool to know our fan base is developing. How do you think that so many people have come to know the All Time Low brand, but you’ve had very little airplay? It’s interesting for us because we’ve never been the band that relies on radio play. That kind of band sort of becomes only as popular as their current song on the radio, and when there’s nothing playing, everyone just forgets about them. We took a grassroots approach through the Internet, touring and it’s been a cool ride. Those are the fans that are going to stick around, and are not fickle. You’ve been in Utah recently, do you like performing for Utah crowds? Is there anything different about people here? Utah is really cool. It’s one of the few places where we’ve had quite a bit of success with radio. We recently played a radio festival. It’s been really cool because we sort of noticed a big change in our crowds. At first the crowds didn’t know what to do with our band. But now they understand the vibe and feel. What can your Utah fans expect at the show? They can expect a good time, a lot of energy. We’re all about creating an ambiance that’s welcoming. Go and forget real life for a minute. Come vibe with us and have a great experience. We really feed off the audience and it’s going to be just a cool show. The list of people and groups protesting your music is pretty extensive, including the antigay Westboro Baptist Church, which led a protest at one of your Philadelphia shows, how do you respond to the criticism and attacks? We sort of have a lighthearted approach to things. We don’t take ourselves too seriously. Our music we take seriously, but ourselves we don’t. We don’t necessarily subscribe to conservative lifestyles. Those groups are looking for us to say something back. I truly despise groups like that and normally I don’t like to even give them any attention because all they really want is to be in the press. It was really only when they came to our show that we were moved to say something. That kind of group and hatred certainly are not welcome at our shows. It’s not a good environment. I don’t think that’s a message that we need to be hearing. We’ve got a lot of young people coming to our shows and we especially
don’t need that kind of hatred there. Do you have any advice for your young gay fans in a conservative area? My biggest thing is stay who you are. Don’t let your surroundings try and deny you what you want or who you should be. You should know there are people who will accept you for who you are. Don’t be confined
to the conservative nature of the surroundings. Be true to yourself and don’t worry about what others think. Any last words for your QSaltLake readers? Thank you so much for reading about our band. We’re super excited to play and we hope everyone can come check us out. Q
AUGUST 18, 2011
28 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Brandi Carlile lives low-key, performs high-key W By Tony Hobday
hen Brandi Carlile, a petite, sassy songstress, takes the stage, her sheer presence commands attention. Strange that one person who seems to be nothing but modest and humble can have such an intriguing intensity, especially when she opens her mouth to sing. She comes to Utah two or three times a year because she believes there is something incredible about the audience. “I remember before we’d made it out to Salt Lake City much my dear friend Amy Ray (of Indigo Girls) had told me that there was something special about a Salt Lake crowd,” Carlile says. “She was right because I look forward to every Salt Lake show purely because of the guileless audience and how connected they are.” Then Carlile takes in a little of what Salt Lake has to offer, “I always try to take a day off on either side of the gig just to play golf, visit the indie record store and eat at the Red Iguana.” When she’s not recording, touring or doing spur-of-the-moment gigs, Carlile says she takes it rather casually: “When I’m not in Salt Lake City in my down time I play golf, go fishing and cook for my friends.” The 30-year-old Washington native was born in the small coal mining town of Ravensdale and began playing the guitar and writing songs at the age of 15. Her music spans most genres but at the heart of it is textbook rock ‘n’ roll. Her latest testament to her incomparable talent
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is Live at Benaroya Hall with the Seattle Symphony, a work Carlile is particularly moved by. “Being onstage with the Seattle Symphony was a profound experience for me and a really intense marriage of two very different musical worlds. The ruckus spontaneity of a rock ‘n’ roll band and the refined, more sophisticated classically trained, symphony ...” Carlile starts. “If we were more honest I believe we each could use just a touch of the other. That clash makes for a great show with a lot of intensity to project on an audience. I was only a witness and I loved it!” The 13-track album is riddled with several uniquely reconstrued covers such as Elton John’s “Sixty Years On,” Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” and Simon & Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence” (a truly amazing rendition). “One of my favorite things to do when considering covers is to play with someone’s gender perception associated with the lyrics,” says Carlile. For instance the song ‘Creep’ by Radiohead takes on a new meaning when there is this girl singing ‘I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.’ Or even better ‘Folsom Prison Blues.’ A woman singing about how she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die is a little tougher to take. And I love that. Carlile, who is openly lesbian, said in a 2009 interview with the Los Angeles Times, “I hope that somewhere in Small Town, USA, a 15-year-old kid looks to me as a role model the way I looked at the Indigo Girls and Elton John as role models ... and I hope they also recognize that the reason why I don’t have to have a lot of formality around it, the reason why I don’t have to wear it on my sleeve and make a spectacle of it, is because there were people before me who paved the way so I wouldn’t have to.” Q
Carlile returns to Salt Lake City, Aug. 21, at the Red Butte Garden Amphitheatre, 300 Wakara Way. For tickets visit redbuttegarden.org or call 801-585-0556.
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AUGUST 18, 2011
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Three Ring Circus Extravaganza! Saturday August 20 at 11 am
Next to Alchemy Coffee
Collectibles... Humorous... Pride... Adult
OUTreach Resource Center (ORC) – OGDEN, UTAH The OUTreach Resource Center (ORC) is now in its sixth year of operation and is the only drop-in center in Northern Utah speciﬁcally catering to and welcoming gay youth and their friends. The OUTreach Resource Center (ORC) gives LGBTQ members of our community a safe and harassment free environment in which to thrive. The ORC also has a program for LGBTQ adults. The OUTreach Resource Center (ORC) engages in extensive outreach and collaboration with other community organizations and agencies in the community to make Northern Utah more accepting. OUTreach Resource Center (ORC) is a 501(C)(3) tax-exempt organization. Additional information can be found at: www.ogdenoutreach.org
The Director will serve under the authority of the Board of Directors. The Director will be responsible for organizing, directing and supervising the complete operation of OUTreach Resource Center (ORC). The Director will maintain professional relationships with clientele, staff and other community agencies and organizations and foster partnerships which support sexual minorities. The Director will champion the rights of the LGBTQ community in Northern Utah. The Director will take an entrepreneurial approach to setting strategies and organizing operations to maximize fundraising opportunities. The Director is the CEO of OUTreach Resource Center (ORC) and serves as the visionary and strategic leader for the agency. The Director is responsible for the supervision of all staff and volunteers. This will be a three-quarter to full-time position.
Education: Bachelor's degree; two years of experience managing a program or grant, or working with social services organizations or a community center, or a combination of these; and the ability to pass a background check.
Dedication to inclusion, integrity/professionalism, self-initiative, communications, fund-raising/grant-writing, project management, organization, public relations, non-proﬁt experience, leadership, dispute resolution, and Masters degree preferred
HOW TO APPLY:
Applicants should submit a cover letter, resume and contact information for at least three (3) references in person or via email. Applications should be addressed to: Barry Gomberg, President, Board of Directors, OUTreach Resource Center (ORC), 705 23rd Street, Ogden, Utah 84401. Phone: 801-686-GLBT. Email: email@example.com. Screening will begin: August 29, 2011, but the position will remain open until a suitable candidate is found. Website: www.ogdenoutreach.org
380 East 1700 South, Salt Lake City UT 84115
AUGUST 18, 2011
30 SPORTS NIGHTLIFE
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SPORTS Good times to be had with the Salt Lake Goodtimes Bowling League Beginning with an “open bowl” event on Aug. 21, 7 p.m., at Bonwood Bowl (2500 South Main St.), the Salt Lake Goodtimes Bowling League starts up another 28-weeks of league play. It sounds long, but it’s entertaining, and the league mixes things up with theme nights, raffles, prizes and a whole lot of fun. Teams of four try to strike it rich, both on the lane, and with the prizes as they mix and mingle
with the other players. Any and all players, of any skill level, are encouraged to participate. The league is inclusive to all. The league will also help single bowlers either build a team or find one that needs teammates. A portion of the weekly bowling fees is donated by the league to several local charities that the teams vote for throughout the season.
For more information on the league visit saltlakegoodtimes.com. To sign-up a team, email Nate Christensen at firstname.lastname@example.org or call Chad Hall at 801-487-7758.
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Mark’s Massage. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-755-9521 MegaPhone, code 2082. . . . . . . 801-595-0005
These businesses thisis substituted with another. An anagram is a word or phrase that A Cryptogram is a puzzle wherebrought one letter inyou the puzzle 801-463-1662 Forissue example: E C O L Make V G N C Y Xsure W Y C Rto E Q Y I I R Z N B ZMutiny N Y Z U P SInk. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Z! of QSaltLake. can be made using the letters from Has the solution: CRYPTOGRAMS ARE CHALLENGING AND FUN! Omar’s Rawtopia. . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-486-0332 another word or phrase. Rearrange theme’swith your bypatronage. In thank the above example are all replaced c’s. The puzzle is solved by recognizing
the letters below to answer: letter patterns in a word or words and successively substituting lettersPark until City the Performing Arts. . . ecclescenter.org A New Day Spa. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-272-3900 Home of Charley’s solution is reached. This week’s hint: D=I Theme: Mormon Girl Saying
Patton Group Properties. . . . . . 801-412-7493
MNIM’Y YPCenter. . . . . . . . . . . DIJ Animal Care 801-294-5960
Paulus Hair Restoration. . . . . . . 801-942-4247
Brickyard Kennel . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-486-6007
Plan-B Theatre Co.. . . . . . . . . planbtheatre.org
Butcher’s Chop House. . . . . . . . 435-647-0040
Planned Parenthood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ppau.org
Cahoots. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-538-0606
Pride Counseling. . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-595-0666
Christopher’s Steak House. . . . 801-519-8515
Pride Massage. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-486-5500
Coldwell Banker/Joey Sutorius.801-592-8033
Rocky Mountain Grill. . . . . . . . . 801-484-2771
Club JAM. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . jamslc.com
Schneider Auto Body & Paint. 801-484-9400
Club Karamba. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-696-0639
Sheraton Hotel. . sheratonsaltlakecityhotel.com
Club Try-Angles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-364-3203
Skinworks. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-530-0001
Creative Design Group. . . . . . . . 801-261-5406
Thai Garden Noodle House. . . 801-355-8899
The Dog Show. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-466-6100
The Tavernacle. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-519-8900
Dog’s R Us. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-485-7387
The Trapp. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-531-8727
Don Austin. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-485-9225
Unity Gifts. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-487-4485
_The_Beer _ _Nut. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ’_ _ _ _ _801-531-8182 _
_ _ _pioneertheatre.org _____ Pioneer Theatre_Co.. . . . . .
Ecole Dijon Cooking School . . 801-278-1039
Utah Festival Opera. . . . . . . . . . . 800-262-0074
Huddart Floral. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-531-7900
Utah Symphony/Opera. . utahsymphony.org
Gildija Enterprises. . . . . . . . . . . . 801-815-7725
Steve Walker. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-688-1918
Landis Salon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . landissalons.com
Jeff Williams Taxi. . . . . . . . . . . . . 801-971-6287
Major Street Pet Srvs. . . . . . . . . 801-487-2814
Dr. Douglas Woseth. . . . . . . . . . 801-266-8841
Pride Cheerleading: Bring it on
tah’s queer community is about to get more peppy and cheerful. A veteran of the San Francisco branch of the Pride Cheerleading Association is bringing the cheers, pep and fundraising experience to Salt Lake with its own branch. Valina Eckley had always wanted to be a cheerleader, but was nervous to get involved. “I was a young queer woman growing up in Wyoming,” Eckley said. “I didn’t ever have the chance until I heard about the PCA and fell in love.” Eckley is starting the branch in Salt Lake and hopes to join the ranks of the other branches of San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles and others in bringing pride to the community and raising funds for people with AIDS and other life-threatening diseases. Meetings are scheduled to begin in the near future and people of all ages, fitness abilities
and experience are invited. The team will also need managers and marketing representatives to help with performances and other events. The events will be posted on cheersaltlake.org and on their Facebook page as more information becomes available. “We want everyone to come and check us out. We’ll need performers, managers and fans,” Eckley said. “Oh and let’s not forget allies. Everyone is welcome.” The San Francisco branch performs regularly in the pride parade and was even featured on the NBC TV series America’s Got Talent. The group, along with the New York branch, recently raised more than $16,000 at an event in Germany, Eckley said. “I definitely think it’s something that’s needed here more than anywhere. And if a PCA can thrive in Salt Lake, it can thrive anywhere,” Eckley said. “Experience is nice, but heart and determination is so much more important.”
AUGUST 18, 2011
cocktail chatter No sun up in the sky: Dark and Stormy
By Ed Sikov
ld Storrrr-my! Old Storrrr-my!” Craig was insufferable. But he was so perfectly Santana that I laughed despite myself. “Shut up!” I begged, but that only spurred him on. All was not well. Last Sunday afternoon, Sammy blurted out something horrifically specific about my having shtupped Jack Fogg after the four of us — Jack, Sammy, Dan and I — had spent a perfectly delightful French-sex-farce -weekend together during which everyone but Dan rknew about mon petit bout a derriere avec Jacques le Brouillard. Well, I suppose it wasn’t so delightful for Dan, who was humiliated. He packed up and drove home alone while I was still at the beach. (I respect his rage, and I’m totally at fault and all that, but couldn’t he at least have driven me back to the city?) “I’m making the cocktails tonight,” Craig said after crowing the final syllable of the wretched “Stormy.” “It’s all the rage. Wanna know what it’s called?” This was obviously a set-up. “What?” I spat. “The Dark and Storrrr-my. Old Storrr-my!” “Piss off,” I snarled and headed upstairs, inwardly marveling at his talent. I’d actually had my first Dark and Stormy during the week at Bar Henry, a wonderful place on Houston Street in the Village. Jon, the hunky bartender (blond, cute, middle-weight wrestler’s body, frat-boy-turned-MBA-turnedchic-bar-investor, tragically straight), talked me into trying one. Made of dark rum and ginger beer, it wasn’t the sort of drink I usually order, n but Jon swore by it, and since I was dazzled by the thick tuft of light blond hair poking out of his . open collar, I tried one. It was perfect for a night
FOOD & DRINK
of guilt, shame and solitude — spicy-sweet and refreshing, the ginger beer’s fizz cutting through the dark rum’s thickness. I returned from my pout before dinner and made my own Dark and Stormy. Or two. Actually, four. I was plastered from the rum and bursting at the seams from all the ginger beer when Dan stomped in. “It’s my house, too,” he said without glancing in my direction and headed for the unoccupied guest room off the kitchen. We call it the ABD — short for the Ann B. Davis Suite, in honor of Alice from The Brady Bunch, who lived in a similar place. (Question: If the man named Brady was an architect, why did all six kids have to share one bathroom?) He threw his briefcase and backpack on the ABD’s single bed and slammed the door. Craig made dinner that night, fettucine Alfredo, two loaves of garlic bread, no vegetables and a giantsize bag of Oreos. Paolo and Chipper both gasped at the carbs-‘n’-fat menu but ate their share anyway. Dan was so theatrically wrathful that nobody dared talk. Just as Craig ripped open the Oreos, the sky opened too, and we were pounded by a frighteningly intense shoreline thunderstorm. You know you’re in big trouble when nature itself turns against you in a rage.
Since I was dazzled by the thick tuft of light blond hair poking out of the bartender’s open collar, I tried one
The Dark and Stormy Dark rum Ginger beer Lime wedge for garnish (optional) Pour as much chilled ginger beer as you like into a glass with ice cubes in it, then float the dark rum on top. Or, if you’re on the outs with your boyfriend, pour a large quantity of dark rum over ice and add a splash of ginger beer to the top. Q
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32 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
Good and Irritating
27 “Grumpier Old Men” star Sophia 29 Beauty and the Beast film frame Across 31 African tongue 1 Not nuts 32 Mike holder 5 Safari master 33 Stadium sections 10 Emulates Eminem 35 Athens, in Socrates 14 Word on a gift tag day 15 Put into law 36 Previously mentioned 16 Slumlord’s declara39 To God, to Caesar Down tion? 42 Little amphibian 1 Force in Milk, for short 17 With 28-Across, alleg44 Pose for pix edly good individuals 2 Lot measurement 45 “Please respond” 3 Time for cowboys to 20 Like Hans Christian part, in Vivien’s shoot off Andersen tongue 4 Gore Vidal novel 21 Top of the world 47 Most like Mr. Right 5 Queen’s abode 22 Screw royally Now 6 O pposite of ESE 24 Title used by Uncle 48 Sand inside a shoe, 7 Pleased sound Remus e.g. 8 USMC barracks boss 25 Bedroom slipper 49 Hindu deity 9 W anting water 28 See 17-Across 51 Smith of Dawson’s 10 Kahlo’s husband 30 Help with the heist Creek 11 Baldwin of Talk Radio 34 WWII command 52 Toward shelter 12 Elizabeth of 35 Keyboard instrument 53 Diplomacy breakdown Transamerica 37 Mate in Montreal 13 Margaret Cho’s Can’t 54 Côte d’___ 38 Gay Men’s 57 Model Banks ___ Dancing Friendships author 58 What little things 40 Above-ground trains 18 Tigers of the NCAA mean, in a Cher song 19 One of the decks 41 Thief’s customer 59 Place for a stud 23 Aida backdrop 43 Lovers hit them 60 Charlie’s Angels role 24 Pastor, I Am Gay 45 In greater need of 62 Gravel-voiced actor author Howard Viagra, maybe Arthur 25 Head-oriented group 46 What 17-/28-Across 26 WNBA Starzz fan, 63 Dance noisily probably have often 50 Not like a breeder PUZZLE SOLUTIONS ARE ON PAGE 36 51 Gold measure 55 Ill. neighbor 56 Celery serving 61 Source of the observation in this puzzle 64 Proves false 65 Kenya’s capital 66 Turn tail 67 Where tops like to put it?
anagram An anagram is a word or phrase that can be made using the letters from another word or phrase. Rearrange the letters below to answer:
name the 2011 Allies dinner keynote speaker
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
AUGUST 18, 2011
AUGUST 18, 2011
she culture Spotlight: Natalia Jiménez-Lara By Annalisa Millo
former golf captain at BYU, the welldressed Natalia Jiménez-Lara is fit as an ox and can hit a golf ball 275 yards. The 25-year-old Latin Wonder hails from Bogota, Colombia, and despite her playful denial of such, she speaks with a noticeable but very endearing and sultry accent. Shortly after finishing high school in Colombia she was offered an array of golf scholarships from about 35 schools in the U.S., including Berkeley, University of Hawaii, University of Louisville and many others before she decided to accept a full-ride scholarship to BYU, eager about their highly regarded business program. During the time she was in college she accomplished a Bachelors degree in marketing and advertising with a minor in Portuguese, all this while she also acted as team captain for all four and a half years. Now, this is all great and dandy, but for our purposes there’s something else about her that is of interest to us – she is a self-proclaimed gay woman (don’t call her a lesbian, she doesn’t care much for the term) who represented the LDS-operated private university and had to abide by its honor code. She plays for “our team,” and with all her experience as a BYU captain, if it came to it, I’d nominate her to be our team captain too. One can’t help but wonder how she was able to pull off keeping her personal life and her education/golf career separate while she attended BYU. Because she signed the school’s honor code, it was mandatory that she kept not only her tattoos covered, but her orientation as well. One way to go about it was to date one’s male friends, so as to remain inconspicuous and divert suspicion, which is exactly what she did for her first couple of years there. It worked. Eventually she became more comfortable with being more assertive of her sexuality in a foreign country, but always from a lengthy distance away from the college campus. She expressed that it was difficult to stay true to herself while in school, but she took pride in her ability to respect the contract and the commitment that she made with the school, and to always live by the outlines of the code within the boundaries of the campus for the duration of her education at BYU. When asked to describe what life is like in Colombia, she responded frankly, and with a very convincing straight (no pun intended) face, “We sell drugs. That’s all we do,” until she cracked a devious smile and burst into laughter. In all seriousness though, she said that she misses her family in Colombia, she misses her culture there, the parties, the food, her country’s famous coffee and the humid weather. She said that homosexuality in Latin countries may or may not be less common, but that it is without question less noticeable because it’s
just less talked about. She described how Latins have a very European kind of fashion sense, due to the collective interest in European brands, magazines and taste. Thus, she explained, a girl with short hair there would be typically considered fashionable, while a girl with short hair in the U.S. is commonly considered to come across as gay. Natalia lives in a house in Lehi with several roommates — four lesbians, one other girl who “goes with the flow,” and a guy, named Danny, who in their words is “just Danny.” “I do like it here, but I miss my people. Having Latin roommates helps a little bit. We speak Spanish and we eat Latin food as much as we can,” Natalia said, “And we were all raised by Latins, so we’re very protective of each other.” Lili, one of the roommates, was also an exchange student at BYU, in her case from Honduras. She chimed in about their group of friends, suggesting that how she thought of it could be extended toward what’s typical in Latin culture: “We have this protective wall around us. It’s like a bubble. We either make you work to be in it, or we let you in, and whatever fucked up
PHOTO: ANNALISA MILLO
thing that you do is going to kick you out. And then you will have to work double hard for us to consider you our friend again.” Natalia added, “And trust for us is huge. If you betray our trust, then we’re done.” From this we learn: do not get in between a passionate Latin woman and her passionate Latin friends. These days Natalia helps manage the Graywhale in Orem as she takes a break from academia and decides whether to heed her parents’ wish for her to continue on to graduate school for a Masters degree in business, or to pursue her own aspiration to attend culinary school and then to own her own business. She continues to play golf in addition to teaching golf lessons, and is currently training for a doubles golf tournament in Orlando. She recently came out to her parents, and is now out
Q health Is it the coming plague? By Lynn Beltran
he recent news in my little world of STDs seems to be focused on gonorrhea and it certainly is cause for concern. The news, more or less, revolves around the possibility that gonorrhea is no longer a treatable infection in some areas. Neisseria gonorrhoeae, better known as gonorrhea, is a bacterial infection that is spread through sexual contact. Over the past three to four decades, gonorrhea has shown to mutate and develop resistance to several spectrums of antibiotic therapy, where mutations have occurred several times. The initial recommended treatment for gonorrhea involved penicillin and tetracycline. Resistance to these drugs emerged in the 1970s and 1980s and therefore, new treatment was recommended using a new spectrum of antibiotics known as fluoroquinolones. Gonorrhea cases circulating in the late 1990s and early 2000s showed a new resistance to fluoroquinolones, and yet again a new recommendation from the CDC was initiated that involved treatment with cephalosporin antibiotics. But concern then rose because we knew that this was our last line of defense, the last line of antibiotics that would serve as an effective treatment. Of even more concern was the fact that there was not so much as a new drug on the horizon that had hopes of being an effective treatment. As someone who works with STDs on a daily basis, this has been a real concern for me and for colleagues. I have shared this concern with patients in hopes of promoting preventive behavior change. I became truly concerned when news released by the CDC earlier this month indicated that cases of gonorrhea identified in Asia were showing a resistance to that last spectrum of antibiotics, the cephalosporins. Remember, this was our last line of effective
to her whole family. I asked her what her type was, and she said she prefers her ladies to be classy and feminine. After which, she joked, “I’m confused. I think I like boys now.” In actuality, it turns out she fancies many famous women, including Mila Kunis, Lindsay Lohan and Emma Stone. Natalia keeps her style comfortable and urban. She sarcastically insisted that when choosing an outfit she must make her ass look good. One of her other roommates described her well, “No other Latina girl can compare. ‘Nati’ is so different from everyone. She’s unique.” Natalia is one of the best-dressed and most ambitious gay women of the younger generation that I know of in Utah. She’s a loyal friend, and an honest, kind and generous human being. Oh yeah, and she’s single. Game on. Q
drug interaction. Also, the CDC was suggesting that some laboratory samples of gonorrhea collected in the U.S. were not responding as well as before to the cephalosporin antibiotics. So where does that leave us? Do we have to fear gonorrhea as the coming plague? First, I think it is important to remember that gonorrhea is not known as an STD likely to lead to death. It is one of our more common STDs, about 700,000 infections in the U.S. each year. The consequences of untreated infection in men are most commonly swollen testicles and painful urination, and can increase the risk of acquiring HIV. The problem with untreated gonorrhea is that it is likely to lead to scarring in the genital tract that can lead to sexual dysfunction, and yes that can lead to erectile dysfunction or incontinence. Right now, men are more likely to suffer from a disseminating gonorrhea infection, when it goes untreated for a length of time. This means that the bacteria move to other organs and areas of the body. Untreated gonorrhea in men can lead to cardiac infection and arthritis in the joints. In the past, consequences from untreated infection such as erectile dysfunction and cardiac disease were rare. It is entirely possible that they were rare because we had effective antibiotics. These antibiotics were successful in treating localized infection before it went further; they were a defense that could effectively limit the length of time that someone was infected, and they were a defense that could minimize the number of people suffering long-term infection. With new mutations that are showing resistance to all antibiotics, it seems almost inevitable that the number of people who will suffer with longterm consequences will increase. The bottom line is more and more infected people will be circulating in our communities and our pool of potential sexual partners. As with all STDs, effective individual prevention strategies involve monogamy with an uninfected partner and/or condoms. Being tested regularly is important, but you must ask yourself, if there is no treatment available, what will I do if I find out that I test positive? Q
To find out more about Neisseria gonorrhoeae, go to www.cdc.gov/std/gonorrhea/.
AUGUST 18, 2011
34 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
cryptogram A cryptogram is a puzzle where one letter in the puzzle is substituted with another. For example: ECOLVGNCYXW YCR EQYIIRZNBZN YZU PSZ! Has the solution: CRYPTOGRAMS ARE CHALLENGING AND FUN! In the above example Es are all replaced by Cs. The puzzle is solved by recognizing letter patterns in words and successively substituting letters until the solution is reached. This week’s hint: E = C, Theme: Quote by professor Suzanna Walters about the increase in anti-LGBT hate crimes in 2010.
Jbmh ucfckucism qsgu dschbzg cwgecfbn sn zcg m guszv cx gub kmng mzl gubjb sn fweu fcjb qcja gc ib lczb. ____
español exprés Bitch By Gus Hererro
n the last few days I’ve realized that people have been calling me a bitch ... at least more often than they used to. But what does the word bitch mean? I consulted my best friend in school, the Oxford English Dictionary. “A malicious, unpleasant and selfish person.” Wait! Since when is standing up for what you believe considered “malicious, unpleasant or selfish?” Just because someone points out something that is wrong, you are considered the bitch of the group? Well, I am opinionated, but most of the time I cannot hold back what I see and feel. Is that wrong? Just like bitch, there are many other words that we, the gay male community, use as if they were adjectives that our mothers would be so proud to hear. Whore, slut, skank are used fairly often in the clubs, at the gym, while playing volleyball with my friends, at the store and even
Perra By Gus Hererro
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n los últimos días me he dado cuenta cuan seguido las personas me llaman “perra” ... bueno al menos mucho mas que antes. ¿Pero que es lo que realmente significa esta palabra? Consulte con el que tal vez es uno de mis mejores amigos, El diccionario de la Lengua Española. Oh! mi mejor amigo, no te mueras nunca. Según el diccionario, la primera definición es, prostituta. Dicha definición no se aplica a mi puesto que según yo, no cobro por estar con nadie. La segunda, “Dicho de una persona: Enojada, de mal genio.” Un momento! ¿Desde cuando el defender lo que uno piensa es considerado ser de mal genio? Solo por el hecho de que alguien haga notar lo que uno piensa o que algo anda mal no debe de ser asociado con dicho adjetivo. ¿Bueno, para ser honestos, si, tiendo ha tener una opinión sobre cada cosa, puesto que la mayoría de tiempo no puedo dejar de decir lo que pienso y creo, es eso algo malo? Tal y cual esta florida palabra, hay muchas otras que andas revoloteando por ahí en nuestra comunidad. Estos adjetivos que estoy
in my house. Last week I was at a club and I overheard a conversation ... not that I really wanted to. Sometimes I turn off my journalism radar and I become a plain guy. The two guys were almost screaming that their friend was “whoring” around the club. “What does that mean,” I thought. Was the guy in discussions advertising his affections to the highest bidder? Or was he simply being friendly with everyone in the club? So, what is the line that one must cross to be called a slut? Let’s find the definition of slut. “Refers to a sexually promiscuous person, usually female.” But UrbanDictionary.com defines slut as, “a woman with the morals of a man.” I couldn’t stop laughing. Have I been all of the words above or just the bitch of the group? There are other words that our community uses to hurt (or help) someone’s reputation. Are we using these adjectives carelessly? I am not trying to sound like a saint. Everyone who has met me knows I am not a saint. Nor I am trying to become one. I’m just hoping we can think about the words we use to describe one another. Are we uplifting someone’s reputation or breaking it down? Would I like to be called a slut? Whore? Bitch? Q muy seguro que a nuestras madres les gustaría escuchar. Puta, ramera entre otros son algunos de los adjetivos que suelen recorrer los pasillos de los clubs, bares nocturnos entre otros. Para muestra un botón, la semana pasada mientras estaba en un conocido sin querer escuchar la conversación ajena, logre escuchar como dos personas destruían la reputación de otra con tan florido y abundante vocabulario. Las palabras brotaban de sus bocas con tal desparpajo que al pesar del sonido alto de la música, yo que estaba a unos metros mas allá logre escuchar toda la conversación. Me sentí un tanto mal por la persona en cuestión. ¿Era cierto que tal persona merecía estos calificativos? O era que en nuestra comunidad usamos dichas palabras con tanta facilidad que no nos damos cuenta del significado que estas encierran. No soy nadie para juzgar a nadie, y creo que yo he utilizado estas palabras algunas veces, mi intención es dar a conocer que no podemos estar usando estas palabras entre nosotros. No, estas palabras causan el divisionismo, lo cual no necesitamos precisamente en este momento donde todos debemos de permanecer juntos y luchar por una causa justa. La igualdad en derechos sociales. Q
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AUGUST 18, 2011
Venus and Sun entering Virgo should point the way to clean, simple aesthetics, but aspecting Uranus and Pluto on the way could trigger some very drastic housecleaning. Thorough is good; ruthless, not so much. “Pirate Jenny” captures the dark side. Nina Simone sings it on YouTube.
ARIES (March 20–April 19) Rushing to succeed, you could easily step on colleague’s toes. Take time to apologize, or save time by exercising some foresight and consideration. Your consideration and teamwork skills are key to maximizing your own accomplishments.
TAURUS (April 20–May 20) Your idea of fun may have more to do with embroidery or repairing furniture than shaking your bootie at some club. Be yourself. Willingness to take on new challenges doesn’t mean following a herd. Your real friends love you as you are.
GEMINI (May 21–June 20) Reconciling family issues and sexual values can be more complicated than hiding the “toys” when Mom comes to visit. When tempted to criticize relatives, especially parents, try asking questions instead–if you think you can handle the answers!
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AQUARIUS (January 20–February 18) Take time out to focus on issues of sexual health, both physical and psychic. A complete physical check-up is always a good thing. Meditate also on your needs and desires. Are they at odds? Are they realistic? You may have some hard choices.
Cryptogram: Real homophobia with violent outcomes is not a thing of the past and there is much more work to be done.
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SCORPIO (October 23–November 21) When friends get on your nerves, it’s usually best to shrug it off. Turn that irritability into productive criticism at work. Think ahead before speaking, to improve techniques and productivity without dissing your colleagues.
Jack Fertig, a professional astrologer since 1977, is available for personal and business consultations in person in San Francisco, or online everywhere. He can be reached at 415-864-8302, through his website at www. starjack.com, and by email at QScopes@qsyndicate.com.
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VIRGO (August 23–September 22) Every birthday brings you a step closer to… yes, but also your greatest remaining accomplishments. Consider how you can change the world, or at least one small part of it. Your most daring ideas need harnessing and work. What’s stopping you?
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AUGUST 18, 2011
the perils of petunia pap smear The tale of full-moon Lagoon
By Petunia Pap Smear
he road to Lagoon is fraught with danger and excitement. I just love Gay Day at Lagoon! I really enjoy hearing all the queens squealing like little girls on the roller coasters. But mostly I like Gay Day because the spandex quotient in Lagoon-A-Beach swells to inspirational proportions. I want to bear my testimony that a scene of Speedo-clad, tanned and toned gym-bunnies can be exceedingly inspirational! Lycra Spandex must indeed be the celestial fabric because there are very few times when I come closer to God than when I encounter a buff hunk sporting a bulging Speedo. Clingy-ness is next to Godliness! Several years ago, on Gay Day, my visit to Lagoon-A-Beach was a mixed bag of pleasure, pain and embarrassment. Out of consideration for public safety, the Speedo company does not make swimwear that sufficiently encompasses a “gravity-enhanced” queen. Therefore, I opted to wear some baggy bloomers and a T-shirt to cover the royal body lest I dazzle the other swimmers with my untanned, lily-white brilliance. Actually I truly believed that in direct sunlight I might burst into flame, and anyone who witnessed the spectacle would turn into a pillar of salt.
Imagine my mortification when I was informed by the impudent little (but still very cute) teenage lifeguard, barely older than my last perm, that I was not allowed to wear the T-shirt on the slides. Little did the lifeguard realize that it was only his beauty that spared his life. I desired to float down the rapids on one of those festive yellow floating tubes. The ever-so-adorable life guard again narrowly avoided death when he informed me that I may not lay tummy down, across the tube; I must sit on top of the tube with my ass nestled firmly in the hole. Due to the fact that I have had my spine fused over the course of three surgeries, (that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) I was not able to bend my body enough to get my “abundant” ass down in the hole. Consequently, the resulting vessel was very top-heavy and upon launching, it quickly performed an imitation of the USS Poseidon and capsized. The resulting tsunami swept several “well-packed Speedos” prematurely down the slide. Doing my best Shelly Winters impersonation, I re-surfaced spitting out chlorinated water like a cobra spits venom. I firmly informed the lifeguard that since I had a back fusion, (I had to show him the scars) I must mount the tube
by lying across it on my stomach. To my great dismay, without a girdle to secure the goods, my substantial tummy fit perfectly, filling the hole in the middle of the tube, just like jelly in a donut. Thus the “USS Petunia” was launched. This time the ride began very pleasantly. However, on the second waterfall, the swirling action of the waves caught the waistband of my bloomers and, swoosh-bang-boom, I felt the shorts begin to slide down. Before I knew it, they were down around my ankles, and since I was going “commando” underneath, it unveiled the royal buttocks. Fortunately, I accessed that portion of DNA that humans share with monkeys and I was able to barely cling onto the shorts with my toes. Usually I enjoy the occasional “Free Willy” skinny-dipping experience, however, this time I panicked because I was about to pass under the pedestrian bridge loaded with dozens of other swimmers, some of them were even “civilians” with children, waiting in line. Frantically, half blinded by the splashing water, I tried unsuccessfully to restore the shorts to their proper place, stretching with my Lee Press On Nails to their utmost limit, all the while trying desperately to stay afloat while crashing into other riders. Relentlessly my tube kept floating closer and closer to the bridge, eventually presenting a “full moon” of blindingly white blubber to the horrified onlookers. Oh the humanity! This was worse than the Hindenburg disaster. I shall always be tortured in my nightmares by the horrified screams. I heard someone cry out that the Ross Ice Shelf must have broken away from Antarctica. A child cried, “Look Mommy, it’s the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.” One of the “wellpacked Speedos” (who I had intended to begin stalking) exclaimed that Moby Dick, the great white
whale, was attacking. Several others were afflicted with snow blindness. Oh, the indignity! On the lookout for harpoons, I continued down the two remaining rapids to the bottom of the slide before I could re-group and cover my “assets.” I was hoping that “Mr. Moby Dick” would rescue me by planting a flag in my “South Pole” region and claim it for Queen and Country. After pulling my shorts back up, in an effort to salvage a modicum of dignity after such an overexposure, I decided to treat this incident just like any other queen would: Pretend that it never happened. Clutching the yellow tube in front of me as a shield, I emerged from the water, ignoring the wide-eyed, slack-jawed onlookers, and marched steadfastly back to the top of the slide. Thank goodness denial isn’t just that river in Egypt. Like always these events leave us with several eternal questions: 1. Is my love of Spandex the reason Spiderman is my favorite superhero? 2. If I dyed my girdle pink, could I wear that as swimwear? 3. If I had caught fire, would I be considered a “flaming queen?” 4. Would tattooing a “tramp stamp” pointing the way to my “Polar Region” improve my sex life? 5. Could an erection have prevented the loss of the shorts? 6. Do I ever stand a chance with “Mr. Moby Dick ?” 7. Should Lagoon re-enact this experience for Frightmares? These and other important questions to be answered in future chapters of: The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear. Q
AUGUST 18, 2011
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