It hurts me that we don’t talk very much about abuse in our community. Why are we not having conversations about why, statistically, queer relationships actually suffer more cases of domestic violence?
Why are we not creating avenues for victims of abuse to get support ? Why are many of us tolerating abuse from women that we would never take from men ? Why are we not discussing patriarchy in our community? My abusive ex used to tell me about how femme chicks from her country would kneel to serve their “boifriends” just as women were required to do for their husbands in her culture. The dysfunction in straight relationships just got rebranded in a queer cloth. And can we please shed our assumptions that femmes are not abusive? Is it because we view them as weak? Sometimes, the one is who physically weaker abuses the one who is stronger. One of my clients as a human rights lawyer was a gun-wielding, bulky policeman whose petite wife repeatedly assaulted him and even bashed his head with a rock till blood gushed out. He could have hurt her easily, but he didn’t. He was not that kind of guy. Same thing with my ex. I could have flung her across a room like a rag doll. She weighed half as much as I did. But I never laid a hand on her when she abused me. I’m not that kind of girl.
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a HOLAAfrica publication
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Q-zine
If you’re in an abusive relationship, I won’t tell you “leave now.” Honey, everyone has told you to leave and, trust me, if you really wanted to leave, you’d have left. You will leave when you’re ready. Tina Turner stayed with Ike for two decades even after he broke her nose and chased everything in a skirt. But when she was ready, she left faster than you can say “Proud Mary.” You will leave too. One day when you’re ready. In the meantime, love and be gentle with yourself. Hang out with people who love you. Do activities you enjoy. Develop a social life outside your relationship. Pray, if you believe in a god. Read books and watch movies about abuse survivors. Plan secretly how to leave, so that as soon as you’re ready, you can leave safely and never return.
Tell someone about the abuse If your friend is being abused, please do not ever tell her she has to leave. It is not your place to issue ultimatums. Tell her that her partner’s actions are not acceptable and that she would be better off leaving her, but don’t judge her or pressure her. Support her, listen to her, and comfort her. Don’t be frustrated when she breaks up only to return again. It is all part of the process. One day, she will make the right decision. Tell her about the options she has if she leaves, including staying with you if possible.
As for me, today is when I left my relationship. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since I texted her to call it quits, but I already feel like a new being. I know there may be lows, but for now I am cherishing the new, free me. I am taking it a step at a time, and I know that one day soon I will wake up to find that I made a journey of a thousand miles without even noticing it.