Interview with Shane Jones
by Sam Pink
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PUBLISHING GENIUS 2200 MD AVE C1 Baltimore, MD 21218 PG TPC 014 www.publishinggenius.com Front cover painting by Sam Pink
Read LIGHT BOXES by Shane Jones www.wickedsad.com Also, read I AM GOING TO CLONE MYSELF THEN KILL THE CONE AND EAT IT by Sam Pink www.paperheropress.blogspot.com
here is a ghcat between shane jones and me from a few months ago. below it is an imaginative play featuring myself and shane jones, in 20 years. i edited out all of shanes jones' anti-semitic remarks. Shane: i haven't read since college i guess adam [publishe of light boxes] will set up readings? i don't know me: probably he'll be like, shane baby we need to get you on a plane to cali stat! Shane: that would be nice i'll be reading in Buffalo some shithole i actually like buffalo quimbys in chicago would be good i hear that's a hip place me: chicago is cool Shane: you're there, jesse ball, kathryn reginai'm sure others i need to get out there on my big tour me: buffalo, chicago, alaska Shane: sounds good oakland 5
me: bulgaria Shane: really strange tour adam just pointing at a map in random places and laughing throwing money in the air i'll be reading in prisons me: â€œyou'll go, where i say you'll goâ€? Shane: jesus me: (burns you with a cigarette) Shane: i'd be raped "it's called light boxes" "what did you say faggot?" "well, you see, there's balloons and stuff" "get him!" me: do people actually say 'get him'? then someone raises their hand and says, yeah i just thoght that the whole plot was contrived Shane: just rips me apart me: then stabs you Shane: "it's all been done before!" (stab) 6
me: "no arch!" (rape) Shane: man, that's scary adam just laughing "should have sold more than 20 copies" he'll have to publish Blake Butler to get his money back blake saves the day "i'll fix this adam" me: goes to his room and comes back three days later with a novel Shane: yup "there you go" i'll spend like 6 months on some really short novel and email adam about it he'll just click delete me: "nice try wanker jones" "blake here are the keys to a new bentley" Shane: my subject would be "hi adam sorry about the last book but I thought maybe you would like to..." (click) me: then he clicks his p.a. and says, "i want 7
him dead" Shane: yeah, and then it shows me just puttering around my bedroom like an idiot"boy,i sure hope adam responds to my email" me: (knock knock) Shane: that must be pizza! me: silenced pistol to the head they grab you feet and hands and toss you into the atlantic with a copy of light boxes taped to your head Shane: adam will burn my body with the 470 copies left of light boxes me: and kids, that's how shane jones died Shane: seriously what the fuck is he going to do with 500 copies what is his wife going to say? all stacked up in their house me: â€œput them in the garage honey, next to the stairclimberâ€?
Shane: she'd throw a few out every day i'm laughign really hard me: “oh well honey i just got an email from someone named “jane shones” and he seems like a promising writer” Shane: just the image of his wife sneaking a few copies in the trash every night spaghetti sauce all over the copies she pushes them down a little me: raccoon searching through the garbage like, “what the fuck” Shane: the garbage man, "what is this piece of shit?" me: “hey phil wait a minute, this is pretty good” Shane: "why is it so short?" me: ha (flips through it) “fuck it, i just got blake butlers new one” Shane: ahhhh next year at this time we'll both be laughing 9
me: and working at quiznos Shane: hahaha me: hey aren't you the guy who wrote light bozes Shane: some fat guy "this cheese isn't melted enough, put it through your little machine again" me: “put a little more mayo on that bitch” Shane: "yes sir" me: “make it a meal you little bitch” Shane: you'll be my manager me: “is there a problem here sir?” Shane: butler will come in with his women me: “Ahahaha, oh nothing for me thanks i just ate a white rhino” Shane: "ladies, would you care for anything, 10
i'm sure mr. jones and mr. pink would like to make you something" me: â€œright boys?â€? (tosses us a million dollar bill) Shane: "uh-huh, yes" me: then he writes a novel on a napkin Shane: "ah, someone should publish this soon" updates his blog on his iphone "forthcoming" me: adam is out front of quiznos asking for nickels Shane: shining shoes me: "i published light boxes, kill me or give me money" Shane: Blake: "oh that reminds me shane, how did your book do?""10 copies sold" "what? the ladies here can't hear you" me: then he flicks your nose
Shane: bink! everyone in the store laughs then he orders the entire menu for everyone and we have to make it"give adam the left overs" me: so kind sir, so kind then we write the great american novel about two guys who work at quiznos and plan to kill blake buitler Shane: of course. Somehow blake can see this conversation right now "those idiots" me: yeah i picture him in a giant room with a bunch of tvs Shane: probably me: and electrodes attached to his skull Shane: interns submitting his stuff for him "send this story to ninth letter! quick!" me: throws a glass of milk at them â€œyes sir right awayâ€? Shane: "only four acceptances today! what! you jerk-offs!" me: "someone has to volunteer to die or you 12
all do" â€œsomeon get me a copy of light boxes i have to shitâ€? Shane: just shits all over it "now it's better" me: send this to ninth letter Shane: they publish it"much improved light boxes" me: and in other news, the sandwiches at quiznos kind of suck lately and are pointless Shane: always fucking everything up me: you should do something crazy to promote the book throw it at someone important Shane: that's pretty good me: yeah i know Shane: lindsay lohan? me: right off the top of my head yes throw it at her vagina 13
Shane: it would just get sucked right in "two stars" me: “the impossible has happened, light boxes stinks more” Shane: man that would be it i'd just retire me: a bunch of celebrities reading it Shane: like in those tabloidssitting on the beach with it i'd go to posh parties in L.A. "hello, hello" me: “what's shane jones doing this weekend, the insider finds out” Shane: i'd do really strange things me: with big designer glasses on Shane: picture of me fucking a grilled cheese sandwich like three photos together showing the thrusts me: “genius author or cheese sandwich fucker?” 14
Shane: because it's an "underground hit" me: exactly whereas your average man fucks a grilled cheese and boom, jail time Shane: yeah, what a sicko i could also be a dick to girls and they would love it just talk about myself all the time "he's so smart" me: he's a genius it's ok Shane: that's just not fair some guys actually have that don dellilo is probably like that me: yeah Shane: just says whatever he wants and people listen me: but one day i mean, yeah, who woulnd't like to golf with don delillo Shane: yeah me: just act humble at readings like you're misunderstood
Shane: i should start a fight at a reading with a well known author then, in the papers me: dude i had the same idea Shane: shane jones, author of light boxes yes! me: i wanted to film a fistfight and then post it Shane: "hey michael chabon...yeah you, fuck face!" me: â€œwhat's up homey, what's upâ€? (slap a book out of his hand) Shane: whap!ohhhhhh snap! me: get up in his face Shane: fuck your narrative arch who can i fight at AWP that's the ticket me: yeah hmmm Shane: who is the keynote speaker me: i'm not sure 16
you gotta start training now Shane: yeah i gotta get huge i know dave eggers i could take him me: just lose on purpose BINGO Shane: hahahaha me: dave eggers wins total asshole Shane: dick me: you're lying on the ground with a bloody mouth, "it's over dave, it's over" Shane: maybe i can parachute into AWP me: perfect Shane: throwing copies of lights boxes on my way down me: throwing your book from high Shane: "wheeeeeee!" "who the fuck is that?" me: i dont know, throw him out Shane: "some retard" 17
me: “yes dave eggers, right away, dave eggers” Shane: "get him out of here" me: “oh and kill him, slow” Shane: "no, wait, i'm a real author" me: dave eggers: “beat it tard” “there's only one publishing genius and that';s me now burn chicago down” Shane: eggers drops his pants, all the women, including our girlfriends start sucking him off me: "i own this town" Shane: "mine" me: he does a reading while getting blown Shane: typical reading for him me: "hey look everyone shane's back" "who ordered the subs?"
Shane: jesusthat one hurt i can see it i'll have to feed it to dave eggers while my girlfriend is blowing him "excuse me baby, sorry" me: dave eggers makes you take the onions off Shane: "i said no onions you fucking idiot" "right right, sorry" me: "sorry isn't good enough" Shane: "dance idiot" "and fuck a sub too" me: "i want you to kill your girlfriend" Shane: "sure thing mr. eggers" me: "uh, right away sir, right away, let me just, uh, fuck this salami sub for ya" "there we go" Shane: "faster" me: "now wash my feet with your tears" Shane: i can just seel chris killen standing there "what the hell is this?"
me: "this is bollocks" Shane: "that's shane jones" me: "he makes a hell of a sandwich" Shane: sam pink got quiznos manager of the year this year then you turn and say "i got a pushcart nomination last year!"and dave eggers says "i won that once" me: "oh i mean twice" Shane: and a girl blowing him says, "it was three times" "when did i tell you to speak!" me: ha man when eggers sees this he'll be fuming Shane: it won't be so funny when we have a knife to our throats me: his henchmen wear shirts with his face on it Shane: and our friends find us naked and dead on teh floor yeah we'll be begging for our lives 20
me: " make sure they see my face when they die" Shane: big smiling dave eggers king of literature "then rape their pets" me: "cut their throats with the edge of light boxes" Shane: i had this thought because adam's editing it this weekend where he realises he's made a huge mistake the look of dread on his face the color just draining from his face his wife saying "what's wrong honey?" me: "oh dear god, dear god" Shane: "oh..my...god" me: "the horror" Shane: him crying trying to explain it to his wife "but why 500 copies?" i'm laughign now me: to his wife: â€œhoney, uh, why don't you get me uh , see if the mail is hereâ€? then a gunshot from the house 21
Shane: i have to tell him i didn't get that artistthat should go over well me: dang i'm available for one of my sweet micosoft paint pictures anytime just say the word Shane: i'll let him know me: ha Shane: i did get peter markus to give it a blurb that should save me me: damn this might take off you got the heavy hitters Shane: yeah dude markus is hugethat guy is amazing i want to write books as good as his me: yeah but that's leverage like if someone doesn't like ityou can be like well a certain peter markus did Shane: wow your right no one would do thathe hasn't give the blurb yet "why the fuck did i agree to blurb this piece of shit" i'll get an 22
email from him "can't...sorry, peter" me: â€œshane, take my name off your book or else i will send the eggers' henchmenâ€? Shane: i keep thinking about cover art what my book will look like me: you ego maniac Shane: yup that's me me: shane the ego maniac jones flexing while looking at the mirror Shane: i wonder what dave eggers is doing right now me: slitting a baby seal's throat then writnig a novel with the blood Shane: sounds about right me: or he's on gchat with someone Shane: trying to convince young girls he's dave eggers 23
me: hell yeah i just got some lucky charms and i actually considered putting some skittles in them Shane: that sounds good to me i don't know why like it fits me: i think so Shane: try it you've hit a new low point, congrats me: i know this is it now it's on to heroin Shane: i still like the idea of throwing copies at famous people i want to hit jonathan franzen with my book just a smack right across the face me: bang with the corner Shane: the book will probably just explode franzen won't even flinch "nice try faggot" 24
me: how funny would that be if the pages just shuffled out Shane: hahaha me: and you abjectly tried to collect them as they blew into a puddle Shane: and i was on my hands and knees collecting the pages Franzen: "won't be hard to collect them, only what, 120 pages there son?" me: Franzen: "come on dave eggers, let's go" (kicks you in the gut) Shane: i'd make some really girly sound "ouch" don delillo would show up and just eat my book one big bite me: piss on you Shane: yeah shit my book out on me
me: "hey kid, who do you think you're fucking with, i'm don delillo" Shane: yeah, you can't fuck with him he's probably a mean motherfucker just walks around with all his books huge stack me: oh look, here's libra and here's underworld and here's oh i fucking lost count Shane: i'd hold up my little book he'd knock it out of my hand with his cock whap me: the cover (a polaroid of your face taken right before publication) rips in half
2030, A Play Thirty years from now. A Quiznos at a strip mall where thereâ€™s also a store that went out of business and a store that sells tools to fix shopping carts. Inside Quiznos, Shane Jones and Sam Pink are working. There is no one else at the Quiznos and Shane Jones and Sam Pink are slapping each other with those cellophane gloves and saying random swear words. Shane Jones: Hey man, do you need like, 498 copies of Light Boxes? I wonder what dave eggers is doing right now Sam Pink: Shane, as your manager i feel you should know that the value box contains EITHER a cookie OR the chips. NOT BOTH. Now give me head.
Sam Pink is 25. He has a chapbook out called Yum Yum I Canâ€™t Wait to Die, and he has a book called I Am Going to Clone Myself Then Kill the Clone and Eat It forthcoming from Paper Hero Press.