Food & Drink ~ Welcome Back issue 4 of 6

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8.24.16

Colorado

DaIly

Food & Drink Welcome Back

Issue 4 of 6

Feed your pie hole Pizza zza is part of a happy diet

Morning munchies Boulder breakfast joi joints

Handheld delights

Burritos, sandwiches, burgers

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 3

INDEX

Breakfast.................Page 6 Cheap eats...............Page 8 Get Social ................ Pages 12, 26, 27 Sandwiches............Page 14 Pizza......................Page 18 Burritos..................Page 20 Late-night eats ....... Page 24 Burgers..................Page 28 Rooftops ................ Page 34 The China Monologues Q&A ..............................Page 41 On Air Next Q&A.....Page 43 CU campus map ...................... Pages 48, 49

ColoradoDaily.com

Phone: 303-473-1111 Main Office: 2500 55th St., Suite 210, Boulder, CO 80301 Editor: Deanna Hardies, 303473-1111 editor@colorado daily.com Advertising: Jill Stravolemos, 303-473-1400, stravolemosj@dailycamera.com Circulation: Preston Latham, 303-994-3677

4 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

FOODIE TOWN

A land of organic milk and non-GMO honey Boulder boasts delicious and cheap college fare alongside renowned restaurants

By Christy Fantz Staff Writer ow’d you land in Boulder? Grew up in the C-O and locked in a future at the University of Colorado when in a Buff onesie? Journeyed here for the fresh powder and snowsports? The gorgeous scenery? The cool people?

Perhaps your parents are alum and made the decision for you. Or maybe you’re leaking scholarship funds out your wallet.

Fantz Or the long list of CU’s fine academics and reputation drew you here. Or the astronauts. (Go Buff astronauts.)

Wait, it’s the legal weed, isn’t it?

You would.

Regardless, you’re here and you’re hungry for knowledge. But also for pizza and burgers and burritos and omelets and sandwiches and tacos and pancakes. And beer.

Aside from wonderfully cheap college munchies to delicious campus cafeterias — no sarcasm here, CU Boulder Dining Services boasts culinary awards — Boulder has been touted by Bon Appetit and Food & Wine magazines. The county houses famed chefs (“Top Chef” winners and competitors)

That’s local lettuce on your burger.

The Boulder restaurant scene is big on sustainable food practices and sourcing ingredients from local farms.

H

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer

and pros who are decorated with James Beard Awards (it’s like a food Oscar — it’s a big deal).

A cool thing about Boulder is that the city thrives among its food sustainability. Many eateries utilize organic and non-GMO agriculture from local farmers. Hell, some owners themselves pick menu items off their own local farm.

Then in the warm(ish) months, Boulder County Farmers Markets (which operate Saturdays from April to November and Wednesdays from May to October) features more than 150 local vendors with fresh, sustainable

eats (and treats).

And then there’s beer. BEER. Sure Pabst and Keystone are solid college staples (mine was Natty Light, mmm), remember to branch out when you hit that lovely drinking age. Boulder County has dozens upon dozens (and counting) of craft breweries — delicious, award-winning, world-renowned breweries.

Now go eat, I can hear your damn stomach from Denver.

Read more Fantz: coloradodaily.com/ columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/ fantzypants

• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 5

BREAKFAST & BRUNCH

Get up so you can get fed Just how frilly would you like your eggs and coffee this morning?

By Alex Burness Staff Writer

B

oulder’s breakfast and brunch joints can be broken into two primary categories: frills and no-frills.

Well, then you also have those tweener spots, where it’s a bit of a scene but also a bit of a dive, too. These are places of moderate frills.

So that’s three. Three categories.

(Sorry for misleading you earlier, with the whole “two primary categories” line. We at the Daily are working hard every day to be keep the trust of our readers, and we’re as disappointed in that lie as you are.)

Anyway, if you like wonderfully inventive dishes and morning booze but don’t mind waiting 45 minutes for a table, Boulder’s got you covered.

If you like those things, but not in that way, and you’d rather maintain a sort of casual thing with the land of frills while keeping one foot out the door, Boulder’s still got you covered.

And if you just want some fucking eggs, that’s cool, too.

Nothin’ wrong with that at all, my man.

Our staff, internationally reputed for its discerning breakfast taste, is here to break down the best of all worlds, just for you:

Frills!

The Buff 2600 Canyon Blvd.

6:30 a.m.-2 p.m. MondayFriday; 7 a.m.-2 p.m. Saturday-Sunday The Buff has been around for 20 years and calls itself a “Boulder Institution.” After a recent move to an upgraded location, its menu still boasts

6 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

Dimitri Svigos, Martin Ryeiss, Becca Baldini and Chase Sarkisian grab brunch at Snooze.

a hangover favorite of biscuits and gravy, along with egg dishes, sausages and skillets full of potatoes — all of which will soak up most industrial toxins that come with drinking too many car bombs in one sitting.

The menu also has vegetarian options for those not into snacking on tasty animals, as well as some glutenfree items if thoughts of wheat fill your gut with intense dread.

Alas, you are likely to wait for a table, with long waits common on weekends. It’s worth it, though.

Snooze 1617 Pearl St. 7 a.m.-3 p.m. daily

See BRUNCH, page 10

You want frills? The coffee at the Buff has frills. Tasty, tasty frills.

Chelsea Jewell / Colorado Daily

Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 7

CHEAP EATS

Man cannot live on ramen alone Neither can woman. So here are cheap things to give your diet variety.

By John Bear Staff Writer ollege, a place to come and rack up tens of thousands of dollars of debt, buy vastly overpriced text books and feel blessed when they give you a quarter when you sell them back. There’s also the pricegouged rent, overpriced drinks and bail money.

This bottomless moneysinking black hole can strain your finances to the breaking point. Sure, there are ramen noodles — copious soul-crushing amounts of ramen noodles. You can doctor them up. You can drink yourself half blind before you eat them. But they are still ramen noodles and I can’t stand ...

Calm down. Here are some cheap places to eat.

C

SnarfBurger

2000 Arapahoe Ave. 11 a.m.-10 p.m. SundayWednesday; 11 a.m.-midnight Thursday-Saturday, 303-444-7711, snarfburger.com The owners of the tasty chain of Snarf’s Sandwich Shops have given this cute hamburger stand the kiss of life — KISS as in the “Keep it Simple, Stupid” model of smooching. Perhaps taking inspiration from In-N-Out, the slim, classic menu offers only burgers, a few sandwiches, fries, onion rings and frozen custard, and all are priced to move.

A single patty is only $3.99, and the more satisfying double is $5.75, but the fun and nostalgia of the tiny location and outdoor picnic table seating has value in itself. Vegetarians might be surprised that the $5.75 veggie patty, crisp in a falafel crust with a topping of the house hot-pepper giardiniera, holds its own against the beef. Add those

See CHEAP, page 16 8 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

Snarf’s will give you a hotdog-bacon sandwich if that’s what you need.

Colorado Daily file photo This guy knows what’s up. Tacos are good for you.

Paul Aiken / Staff Photographer

An open letter to all of you lazy, everyone-gets-a-medal Millennials, First of all, welcome to Boulder! Secondly, JK! Here at Alfalfa’s Market we’ve done our homework about you on the “Buzzfeeds” and “Upworthys” of the interwebs, so we know the truth. You’re not lazy (or you wouldn’t be going to college), and half of you don’t even have a medal. But we do know that you’re the foodie generation. We know that you care about where your food comes from, that you read product labels, that you’re knowledgeable about ingredients and allergens. We know that you care about taste and the quality of the food that you put in your bodies, because we do too.

We want to be the first to welcome you to what is lovingly called the “Boulder Bubble,” the foodconscious, community-loving best-place-on-earth. Congratulations, you picked a great place to study.

But Boulder isn’t just about bongs and slopes. Boulder, like you Millennial comrades, is all about the food!

You’re new, so we’ll fill you in. Alfalfa’s Market is the OG organic and community grocery store. We’re also your ONLY local option as far as markets go. And the other guys don’t even come close to our offerings: a 100% organic juice bar, a 100% organic salad bar, organic bakery, a house-made full service culinary department, featuring organic ingredients and cutting-edge recipes. We also never sell meat that was raised with added antibiotics or hormones, and our cheese selection is unmatched. Our produce department features the largest selection of organic produce in Colorado.

So, come on down to Alfalfa’s and experience food done right. You’ll probably see the dude who sits behind you in Psych 101 slicing cheese behind the counter. We can’t wait to see you in our stores. Also, we know how much textbooks cost these days, so please enjoy the coupon below to help get you started.

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Brunch from page 6 It just doesn’t get much frillier than this, though it can also be argued that it doesn’t get much danker than this.

At Snooze, you’ll wait a while for a table and then be rewarded with an impressive menu highlighted by off-thebeaten-path benedicts and an array of flavored pancakes and french toasts (with gluten-free options available) — all tasty.

One word to the wise: Their cocktails and bloodies are a little hit-or-miss.

Moderate frills!

Lucile’s 2124 14th St. 7 a.m.-2 p.m. MondayFriday 8 a.m.-2 p.m. SaturdaySunday Lucile’s pipes in zydeco, jazz and Cajun music to transport diners to New Orleans. Since NOLA is a renowned party town, there is no better place to try to recall what happened the night before.

The Eggs Pontchartrain sounds killer — fresh panfried mountain trout, poached eggs and béarnaise sauce (which is hollandaise sauce’s mean cousin).

Lucille’s also has a variety of other cajun-inspired fare, like New Orleans-style French toast and a creole omelette, along with more standard breakfast items.

My money is on the Eggs Pontchartrain.

Walnut Cafe Two locations: 3073 Wal-

Feast your eyes on these starchy toruses. You want dis.

nut St.; 673 S. Broadway St. 7 a.m.-3:30 p.m. daily The Walnut Cafe offers a variety of breakfast fare for the crudo college student — huevos rancheros, breakfast burritos, etc. Oddly enough, the eggs are available with vegan sausage.

The cafe also has a large selection of pancakes, french toast, omelettes and “Boulder Fare” like tofu scrambles, a tempeh skillet and breakfast potatoes piled with cheese.

And even more vegan food is available with selections like tofu rancheros (hey, to each his/her own), an artichoke heart sandwich and vegan “sausage” and

“cheese.” So your liver probably still hates you, but all the cows and pigs think you’re awesome.

No frills!

Village Coffee Shop 1605 Folsom St. 5:30 a.m.-3 p.m. MondayFriday 5:30 a.m.-2:30 p.m.

Saturday 7 a.m.-2:30 p.m. Sunday Open since 1971, Village Coffee Shop describes itself as an “authentic neighborhood diner” and its motto is “890 square feet of reality surrounded by Boulder,” which is a tall order if you know anything about Boulder.

The restaurant has classic

sizeable breakfast menu with your standard egg, meat and bagel combo.

They also have classic bagel shop stuff like whitefish and lox, and a variety of cream cheese spreads.

More importantly, they offer breakfast burritos with your Colorado pork green chile, and one selection — wait for it — has cream cheese inside the burrito.

My arteries might hate you, Moe, but I love you.

True to Boulder form, they offer gluten-free selections.

Dot’s Diner 2716 28th St. 7 a.m.-2 p.m. MondayFriday 8 a.m.-2 p.m. SaturdaySunday The first thing that jumps Morguefile off of the menu at Dot’s is the southern-style breakfast with eggs, ham, grits, gravy diner fare like chicken fried steak, SPAM and eggs and a and a biscuit, along with the Colorado favorite — a break- huevos rancheros, total working-class fare. fast burrito smothered in Anyone from the working pork green chili. No hangclass knows this — just over stands a chance here. because you’re hungover For those with dietary restrictions, the shop serves doesn’t mean you can call in sick. A bowl of grits or a gluten-free pancakes and plate of huevos, and you’ll be toast at no extra charge.

Their prices are already cra- back discussing patriarchal hegemony in 19th-century zy low for Boulder, too.

French literature in no time Moe’s Broadway Bagel at all.

Three locations: 3267 28th Dot’s offers gluten-free St.; 3075 Arapahoe Ave.; 2650 items and vegan sausage, Broadway and the huevos are available 5:30 a.m.-5 p.m. daily with tofu instead of eggs, There isn’t anyone in the which is kind of strange, but world who doesn’t like a again, to each his/her own. good bagel — at least no one Alex Burness: twitter.com/ who is emotionally well-adjusted. Moe’s boasts a pretty alex_burness

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 11

Get Social

Submit photos of your friends: editor@coloradodaily.com and see them published in Get Social

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer Sheila Ghorbani checks out a bike map while having breakfast at Ideal Market on Bike to Work Day in Boulder.

Paul Aiken / Staff Photographer Emily KenCairn, left, and Emma Ruffin wait for their order at Trident Booksellers and Cafe in Boulder.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Winter and Rebecca attend the annual gala for the CU Environmental Design Program at the St. Julien Hotel.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Morgan, Lauren, Erin and Kenzie attend the annual gala for the CU Environmental Design Program at the St. Julien Hotel.

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LOVE AT FIRST BITE 12 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Environmental design students have lunch with local professionals at West Flanders Brewery on Pearl Street.

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LOCATIONS L 5340 Arapahoe Ave (303) 444-3404 2128 Pearl St (303) 444-7766

Voted Best Sandwich in Boulder since 1997 637A S Broadway (303) 444-7714 WWW.EATSNARFS.COM

• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 13

SANDWICHES

What is this sandwitchery?

Sure you can (and should) make ’em yourself, but you should also treat yo’self

By Karen Antonacci Staff Writer ook, to be a real person, you need to know how to make yourself a sandwich.

And when you’ve burned out on some basic PB&J bullshit, you should go out, treat yo’self and see how the pros do it. Your wallet won’t thank you, but your tastebuds will.

And sandwiches tend to be the cheapest thing on the menu, so maybe there will still be some cash left over for extra fancy peanut butter from Trader Joe’s when you’re done.

L

Half Fast Subs

1215 13th St. 10:30 a.m.-11 p.m. MondayWednesday; 10:30 a.m.12:30 a.m. Thursday-Friday; 11 a.m.-12:30 a.m. Saturday; 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Sunday Perched directly across the street from campus on The Hill, Half Fast Subs is a great spot, offering patio seating — and some great Buffs boastfulness.

This shop has one of the largest sandwich menus in the country, and we wouldn’t dare doubt it. Walk in and you’ll be greeted by the mother of all chalkboards along with other such well-curated decor like the articles from The Onion by each booth.

Plus, the half-pitchers of “Mega-ritas,” “Strong Island Iced Teas” and hurricanes will quench your thirst — and then some.

Snarf’s

2128 Pearl St.; 5340 Arapahoe Ave. 11 a.m.-10 p.m. MondaySaturday; 11 a.m.-9 p.m.

Sunday Just say the name. Isn’t it fun? There are more than 20 sandwich options in 7-inch and 12-inch configurations, including a mouth-watering prime rib as well as a slew of vegetarian options, like an artichoke, feta and provolone sub. A wide range of salads

14 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

Nick Riegel tosses a cup as he takes orders at Cheba Hut on University Hill.

Paul Aiken / Staff Photographer

and tantalizing sides flesh out the menu of these fluorescent little gems. Plus, the freshbaked bread and hot pepper relish is a must-try.

At lunch hour, you may face a wait, but you know what they say — good things coming to those who — yeah, yeah.

Deli Zone

Three locations 1322 College Ave. on The Hill; 7:30 a.m.-4 p.m. MondaySunday 2900 Valmont Road; 7:30 a.m.-8 p.m. Monday-Friday; 8:30 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturday; 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Sunday 4800 Baseline Road; 7:30 a.m.-8 p.m. Monday-Saturday; 7:30 a.m.-5 p.m. Sunday You will bite into this

See SANDWICH, page 22

Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer A sandwich whittled down to perfection is just good ol’ fashioned bread, meat and cheese done right.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 15

Cheap from page 8

peppers or A-1 steak sauce, barbecue sauce, relish or Thousand Island to any burger for no extra charge.

Zoe Ma Ma

2010 10th St. 11 a.m.-10 p.m. SundayThursday; 11 a.m.-11 p.m.

Friday-Saturday 303-545-MAMA, zoemama.com The name of the Dim

Sum/Then Some categor y of Zo Ma Ma’s menu will not only make you smile, you can also fill your belly with five choices of small plates for under $3 each: pork-and-shrimp pot stickers, vegan dumplings, pearl meatballs, steamed buns and a hot-and-sour soup with a killer stock of pork and shitake mushrooms.

You also can’t go wrong

with any noodle-based dish, because all the noodles are made in-house. You can sometimes see those and the dumpling dough being rolled out behind the counter. One of the splurge-iest things on the menu is the Sunday-Tuesday special of the homemade noodles with Sichuan-braised beef at $11.79, but it’s a rich, delicious meal that two

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Las Palmeras has your standard Mexican fare, and Longmont-bound reporters eat there — a lot. The breakfast burritos are dirt cheap and come with a variety of awesome meats — bacon, Las Palmeras Taqueria chorizo. The thing to get, 1131 Francis St., Longmont however, is a plate of barbcoa 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday to tacos. Barbacoa is cow Friday; 7 a.m. to 8 p.m. Satur- cheek, and it is delicious. Eat five or six of those, and you day; 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. Sunday can skip the Adderall-fueled laspalmerastaqueria.com No, it’s not in Boulder. No, study sessions. Seriously, I don’t care. College students barbacoa is working man’s food. need a little culturing, and you’ll be surprised how much different Longmont is, even if John Bear: twitter.com/ it’s just about 12 miles up the jonbearwithme light eaters can split.

To best enjoy the casual, street-food concept, plan on sharing one of the few indoor community tables, dining on the patio or taking your quick bite to go.

The Party before the Party

Open Late 959 Walnut 303.443.2850

16 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

Colorado Daily file photo Daniel Reagan and Rosie Reagan grab a snack at Zoe Ma Ma.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 17

PIZZA

Do you have any Italian in you?

Would you like some more?

By Shay Castle Staff Writer izza in college is a lot like sex in college: You’ll probably have more of it than you should, but not as much David R. Jennings / Staff Photographer as you’d like. And most of it will be just OK. Fortunately for you, the pizza in Boulder exceeds expectations. (Sorry we can’t make any similar promises about the sex. You’re on your own out there.)

When you really want to be discriminating is on a night out. The options are endless and really. freaking. good.

The local pick-up and delivery options are pretty standard, so we’ll keep it quick:

P

Pizzeria Locale has some of the best pizza in the state.

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Abo’s

2761 Iris Ave. 11 a.m.-9 p.m. SundayThursday; 11 a.m.-10 p.m.

Friday-Saturday; and 637 S. Broadway: 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. MondaySaturday; 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday When you’re trying to impress someone.

Cosmo’s

1325 Broadway; pick-up only 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily 659 30th St.; pick-up and delivery 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily Spring for the spicy ranch.

Pizzeria da Lupo

2525 Arapahoe Ave. 11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. SundayThursday; 11 a.m.-10:30 p.m.

Friday-Saturday

Three words: Wood. Fired.

Oven. The slightly smaller pies (base price $8) and gourmet topping choices make for pricier fare, but it’s well worth it for date night.

Pizzeria Locale

1730 Pearl St. 11:30 a.m.-10:30 p.m.

Monday-Saturday; 11:30 a.m.9 p.m. Sunday Some of the best pizza in the state — when you’ve got money and time to burn.

Money because it ain’t cheap, and time because there’s often a wait. (Make a reservation.)

Backcountry Pizza and Taphouse

2319 Arapahoe Ave. kitchen hours: 11 a.m.10 p.m. Monday-Thursday; 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Friday-Saturday; 10 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday The pizza is fine, but everyone knows you go to Backcountry for the beer (if you’re 21 or older, of course), with 60-plus on tap and more than 200 bottles.

Crosscut Pizzeria & Taphouse

4 E. First St., Nederland 4:30-9 p.m. TuesdayThursday; 11:30 a.m.-9 p.m.

Friday-Saturday, 11:30 a.m.8 p.m. Sunday A bit out of Boulder, but the $5 bus ride to Nederland is a small price to pay for pizza this good. Wood-fired pizza, craft beer and friendly locals.

Shay Castle: twitter.com/ shayshinecastle

• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 19

BURRITOS

Good things in baby-sized packages

Cradle these bean-filled babies to your chest before lovingly devouring them

By Mitchell Byars Staff Writer urritos are the perfect meal for college students. They are delicious, cheap, highly portable and can be the size of small babies.

In the off chance you are not a fan of sitting in the drive-thru of a Taco Bell at 2 a.m. or are very paranoid about foodborne diseases from a certain assembly-line burrito chain, here are some other options in Boulder to explore.

B

Illegal Pete’s

1124 13th St.; 11 a.m.midnight Sunday-Wednesday; 11 a.m.-2:30 a.m.

Thursday-Saturday 1447 Pearl St.; 7 a.m.midnight Monday-Wednesday; 7 a.m.-2:30 a.m.

See BURRITOS, page 30

Mark Leffingwell / Staff Photographer

Oh yeah, that’s the good stuff. Come to mama.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 21

Sandwich from page 14 Salvaggio’s

sandwich and immediately feel like you’re in the Big Apple. But wake up and come to your senses, dammit!

You’re still in Boulder, merely biting into a New York-style sandwich.

Deli Zone features famous Brooklyn heroes in the form of big fat Reuben and Philly cheesesteak sandwiches. Try the Soprano sandwich (grilled roast beef, cheddar, tomatoes, red onion, horseradish mayo, lettuce and a really frustrating series finale), or the Hell’s Kitchen breakfast sandwich (eggs, pastrami, swiss, onion, hash browns and a scathing insult from an angry British man).

Enjoy your sandwich and try to keep a better handle on your surroundings next time, jeez.

Three locations 1335 Broadway on The Hill; 8 a.m. - 8 p.m. MondayThursday; 8 a.m. - 11 p.m.

Friday-Saturday; 10 a.m.-7 p.m.

Sunday 2609 Pearl St.; 7 a.m.-8 p.m.

Monday-Friday; 10:30 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturday; 11 a.m.-6 p.m.

Sunday 1397 Pearl St.; 8 a.m.-8 p.m.

Monday-Friday; closed weekends late fall through early spring It starts with bread. That mouth-watering, warm, soft, fresh-baked bread. Try to remember to have them put other stuff in the bread before you scarf down that glorious gluten solo.

Salvaggio’s isn’t a deli; it’s a delicatessen. Sandwiches are made with a wide variety of fresh meat and cheeses, sliced Cheba Hut Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer right into the sandwich. Try a 1313 College Ave. hot pastrami or shaved roast 10 a.m.-12 a.m. Monday-Sat- Snarf’s offers more than 20 sandwich options in 7-inch and 12-inch configurations. And so many colors! beef. urday; 10 a.m.- 11 p.m. SunCheba Hut slings 4-inch yerba mate or the Kool-Aid. lege dorm chic, and the TVs It’s a sandwich whittled day nugs, 8-inch pinners and Seriously, when was the last are playing either Mexican down to perfection — no fancyThe subs are not the only time you had Kool-Aid? Oh wresting or nonstop Bob schmancy combinations here. thing toasted here. Catering 12-inch blunts. Got a bad case of cottonmouth? Try yeah!

Ross. If that doesn’t convince Just good ol’ fashioned bread, to perhaps the easiest-tothe smooth pineapple iced The decor is definitely colplease customers on Earth, you, nothing will. meat and cheese done right.

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LATE-NIGHT CRAVINGS

Where to go when munchies attack

Numerous nosh options for the nocturnal to navigate

By Alex Burness Staff Writer

I

f you are a plant — and industry reports tell us close to 80 percent of Colorado Daily readers are — there’s no use reading on, because what follows is a guide to Boulder’s late-night yummies, which are numerous but also exclusive to nonphotosynthesis performers.

Sorry, plants.

But for the remaining 20ish percent of you, there is tremendous value in reading on, because to our knowledge there do not yet exist any such hubs for dining information and reviews on the World Wide Web or on third-party mobile applications.

So, without further a-dew (just a little joke for all you plants who stuck around after the first paragraph), please enjoy this curated list of Boulder’s most scrumptrulescent stops for natural and not-at-all illegally induced late-night munchie attacks:

Smelly Deli 1134 13th St. 303-449-2923 Open 24 hours Every black-and-goldbleeding, dyed-in-the-wool Buffalo knows about University Hill Market & Deli, aka — and really, pretty much exclusively known as — Smelly Deli. If for some odd

See LATE, page 37

Colorado Daily file photo Max Sheahan pulls a Hawaiian pizza out of the oven at Cosmo’s Pizza in Boulder. Sleepy during the day, this place gets crowded when the sun goes down.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 25

Get Social

Submit photos of your friends: editor@coloradodaily.com and see them published in Get Social

Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer Jessie Litton and Sami Stephenson eat at the Rayback Collective food truck court in Boulder.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Annie, Nick, Nicole, Hayden, Frannie and Zack gather at Pizza Colore on Pearl Street.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Rachel and Audra have lunch at Jimmy John’s on University Hill.

Patrick and Avram at Half Fast Subs on University Hill.

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Zach, Tyler, Joey and Matt eat at Cheba Hut on University Hill.

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Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Kendyl and Ryan chat at Rush Bowls on University Hill.

David R. Jennings / Staff Photographer Zachary Linder eats a free slice of blueberry pie during Celebrate Pi Day on the CU campus.

Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Matt and Joey at Cheba Hut on University Hill.

Aaron, Kevin, Eric, Angel and Devyn gather at Half Fast Subs on University Hill.

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Sarah Wachter / Colorado Daily Shawn, Cho, Janie and Marco eat at Illegal Pete’s on Pearl Street.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 27

BURGERS

Mm-mm, that is a tasty burger Boulder has beef (and nonmeat options if your girlfriend’s a vegetarian)

By John Bear Staff Writer ersonally, I’ve never trusted someone completely who doesn’t like hamburgers. Sure, there are people who prefer a 36ounce porterhouse, Pittsburgh-style, with a 3-pound lobster and a bottle of Château Pétrus, but those people don’t deser ve a good, juicy burger.

Of course there are var ying levels of burger. If you have a belly full of liquor, a warmed over Whopper or a McDouble might suffice.

But you know where to find a Burger King or a McDonalds, so I will spare you the

P

directions.

It’s not in Boulder, but if you make it to downtown Louisville, hit up Waterloo, 8089 Main St. The Signature Potato Burger has shredded spuds rolled into the meat. If I had religious beliefs, I would have gleefully abandoned them after tasting that burger. And I had only one bite.

Anyway, for you people trapped in the Boulder bubble, here are some local choices:

The Sink 1165 13th St. 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. daily;

See BURGERS, page 35

Paul Aiken / Staff Photographer If The Sink is good enough for President Obama and Robert Redford (not pictured), it’s good enough for you.

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Burritos from page 20 Thursday-Friday; 9 a.m.2:30 a.m. Saturday; 9 a.m.-midnight Sunday Illegal Pete’s is also an assembly-line burrito joint but with more variety than your Chipotles and Qdobas.

Try the fish burrito or the quesadillas for a break from the regular burrito routine.

Plus, they are open late on Pearl Street and University Hill, two places where students on a “study break” might find themselves hurting for food in the wee hours of the night.

Mexican cheese and sour cream — are worth the trouble of needing to use a fork and knife to eat them.

Blackbelly Market

1606 Conestoga St.; 7 a.m.6 p.m. Monday-Friday; 11 a.m.-5 p.m. Saturday Breakfast burritos are burritos, too, and few places in Boulder do them better than Blackbelly. Their butcher’s burritos start with eggs, green chile, tater tots and cheese and then showcase a different meat every day, from ham and bacon to chorizo and beef. And since the place is a butcher shop, you know the meat is fresh and tasty.

Verde

3070 28th St.; 11 a.m.10 p.m. Monday-Saturday; 11 a.m.-9 p.m. Sunday Verde started out as a food truck serving burritos, tacos and quesadillas, but the truck was so successful they were able to open a brickand-mortar place on 28th Street. Of course, you can still find the truck around town.

Their burritos are ginormous, and at the brick-andmortar location, you can get

Illegal Pete’s on The Hill serves up burritos until 2:30 a.m.

them smothered or chimichanga style.

But the real star of their menu is the California burrito, which eschews the rice and beans for guacamole, cheese and home fries. Get it

with Verde’s signature machaca beef instead of the standard carne asada for a real treat.

Pica’s Mexican Taqueria 5360 Arapahoe Ave.;

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11 a.m.-9:30 p.m. MondaySunday This particular burrito place may or may not be right next to two of the places I spend many of my days — the office and the golf course — but I swear that’s not the reason I’m writing about it.

Their “wet” burritos — which are covered in chipotle cream sauce, salsa fresco,

Efrain’s

1630 N. 63rd St.; 11 a.m.9 p.m. Monday-Saturday If you really like spicy, the drive out to east Boulder is worth it. The “Efrain” burrito comes with the caveat on the menu “no exchanges or refunds,” because the chef gets to choose what goes into your Efrain. But whatever it is, it is usually five-alarm spicy. I may or may not have openly sobbed the last time I ate one. Hurts so good.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 33

ROOFTOP BARS

Rise above with these rooftop oases It’s worth braving the elements to elevate the entertainment

By Alexandra Sieh Colorado Daily Columnist he higher the better.

That’s the motto of all us Colorado natives and residents who came for school and work.

So why settle for a meal in some dark restaurant, or even an outdoor patio along a bustling Boulder street?

When the sun’s shining and breezes are blowing through, there’s not much better than setting up at a restaurant rooftop. While you soak up local suds, you’ll gaze out at the sun-soaked Flatirons and forget all those David R. Jennings / Staff Photographer pesky deadlines and grownup obligations.

Broncos fans watch the Super Bowl at The Lazy Dog Sports Bar, which has the largest full-service rooftop in Boulder.

Don’t hide away in the shadows. Get your butt to one of these Boulder rooftops.

34 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

T

West End Tavern 926 Pearl St. 303-444-3535

Known for its beer taps, bourbons and colorful “Wing King” challenge, the West End’s a good choice for any Saturday night (or hell, Tuesday afternoon). But when the Tavern opens its rooftop, all becomes right with the world. They’re even kind enough to fire up the patio heaters for those from warmer climes. (Locals will be nearby, in their shorts, socks and sandals.)

Each month, new specials or weeklong deals give you a whole new excuse to visit.

Stop by before your Red Rocks concerts for pre-show specials on burgers and canned beer. Enjoy gameday specials during football season. Brave snow-clogged streets for snow-day deals.

There’s always a good reason to head to the West End.

See ROOFTOP, page 36

Burgers from page 28 bar is open later The Sink started off as a European-style restaurant and officially became “The Sink” in 1940 having already been called that for years because of the sunken fountain in the dining room.

The restaurant sells burgers made with “certified Angus beef” with variations including the Texas Onion Straw, which made an appearance on “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” a show staring a guy with ver y, ver y blonde hair. Not to mention, President Obama stopped in for a bite when he was in town, and Robert Redford worked there as a janitor when he was a CU student in 1955.

True stories.

Mountain Sun and Southern Sun hand cut their french fries, which is awesome and begs the question: Why doesn’t ever y restaurant in the free world do this? They taste far superior than measly frozen ones.

The restaurants also say right on the menus that if your fries aren’t perfect, they will bring you some more. Also awesome, because nothing is worse than getting a juicy burger

with french fries that taste like they fought in the great war.

Speaking of burgers, the brewpubs’ two locations make their burgers with “all natural, vegetarian-fed Colorado beef with no antibiotics or steroids.” This means they are still eligible to play Olympic baseball — and likely more healthy.

Note: The locations don’t accept credit cards, but Cliff Grassmick / Staff Photographer they do take personal Dark Horse Bar and Grill sells Rocky Mountain Oysters, which the menu

See BURGERS, page 40

describes as “cow fries,” but we know what they really are.

Dark Horse

2922 Baseline Road 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily The Dark Horse offers 11 kinds of burgers on its menu. The one that jumps out is the Jiffy Burger, which has — wait for it — peanut butter, bacon and provolone cheese on top. It doesn’t say if it’s creamy or crunchy.

More importantly, the Dark Horse sells Rocky Mountain Oysters, which the menu describes as “cow fries,” but we know what they really are. So order up a pair with some horseradish on the side and chow down.

The Dark Horse makes a cheap and delicious burger, and it has enough decor to keep your eyes busy.

Vegetarian options are available — for the burgers, not the Rocky Mountain Oysters. That would just be weird.

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Rooftops from page 34 Lazy Dog Sports Bar and Grill

1346 Pearl St. 303-440-3355 With the largest full-service rooftop in Boulder, there’s plenty of room for all of us to laze about some Thursday afternoon. You’ll sip on one of their daily drink deals, gaze out at Pearl Street and watch one oddball after another walk past. Not too shabby.

Of course, being uncovered, it’s a bit more of a slave to weather — a real concern in as hormonal a state as Colorado. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t brave the elements for that rooftop view.

There’s even live music Thursday through Saturday, and an open jam night on Tuesdays. You’ll want to sign up by 10 p.m. if you plan on belting one out.

The Rio Grande

1101 Walnut St. 303-444-3690 I could try to sell you on

36 • AUGUST 24, 2016 •

add festive flair, and their heat lamps keep you toasty until the liquor jacket kicks in. You have to head over early, though, to nab some of the limited seating. On the plus side, you can bring that under-21 friend — wristbands weed out the drinkers.

Boulder House

1109 Walnut St. 303-443-8600 Note the proximity. Boulder House is The Rio’s more boisterous neighbor. Known for dance parties that’ll rock your socks off and DJ guests bumping the tunes, it also has a grand rooftop to spend Cyrus McCrimmon / The Denver Post a little time at before busting a move.

The Rio Grande rooftop gives you a view of the foxy Flatirons to enjoy along with your margaritas.

It also has a great lineup of weekly specials and events the Rio Grande rooftop, but I below. With a Manberry to spice up even the most really don’t have to. It’ll Margarita in hand (a strawtedious week. (A note to my speak for itself the moment berry-mango mix, of fellow ladies: There are two you pop out from the staircourse), all you’ll need is a — count ’em, two — ladies well. In its prime corner loca- good friend or four to soak nights, one Tuesday and one tion, those on the Rio’s roof- up the sun with.

Thursday. Sweet.) top have a perfect view of Uncovered, you run the those foxy Flatirons and of risk of getting chilly. But nev- Harpo’s Sports Grill the passersby on the street er fear, their colored lights 2860 Arapahoe Ave.

program council PRESENTS

303-444-9464 Far from the Pearl Street pull, Harpo’s is more the goto for those looking for a relaxed night. Well, relaxed until the next game comes on. With its 27 TVs, it’s a must for sports lovers yearning to drink and yell with fellow fans. They also have a rooftop that’s just as good as any you’ll find downtown.

You’ll also find great daily deals — including Tuesday’s Geeks Who Drink competitions, and Friday’s karaoke and all-you-can-eat fish and chips. Sick of just watching the games on the big screens? On Wednesdays, Harpo’s hosts a beer pong competition at 8 p.m. for those ready to toss their balls.

Sieh pens her China Monologues column every other Tuesday for the Colorado Daily. Read more here: coloradodaily.com/ columnists. Stalk her: instagram.com/ wildeyed_wandering.

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Late from page 24 reason you aren’t acquainted with this magical bodega, you’d better ask somebody.

Or better yet, get your ass over to Uni Hill and check it out.

The Smelly Deli has a menu tailor-made for college students: cheesy fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken shawarma, chocolate cake, the steak and cheese wrap, the list goes on.

Smelly Deli doubles as a convenience/tiny grocery store, so any gas station-type food and materials you can think of are on the table here as well. This way, you can grab your evening gut-buster and a bottle of aspirin for tomorrow morning in one convenient stop.

Smelly Deli is a hive for Buffs, which adds a social element to the experience.

Dozens of haggard students will wait for their food at the counter, making for some great people-watching and

conversations. Much respect to the cooks at the Smelly Deli — whipping up food for college kids ain’t no picnic.

Illegal Pete’s

Two locations: 1124 13th St. 303-444-3055 8 a.m.-10:30 p.m. MondayWednesday; 8 a.m.-2:30 a.m.

Thursday-Friday; 9 a.m.-2:30 a.m. Saturday; 10 a.m.-10:30 p.m. Sunday 1447 Pearl St. Open until 2:30 a.m. Friday and Saturday nights.

Unlike those softies at similar burrito spots that close before midnight, Illegal Pete’s bomb-ass burrito makers keep on rolling until 2:30 a.m. Thursday through Saturday nights, except during the summer, when they close at midnight.

Illegal Pete’s has a diverse menu for a fast-paced burrito shop with many choices that aren’t available everywhere:

You want pancakes at 2 in the morning? Go to IHOP, at 1675 28th St.

fish burritos, taquitos and the option to stuff potatoes in your burrito. Pete’s is great because they mix up your burrito’s guts before they wrap it up. So no sole sour

Carie Canterbury / Staff Photographer

cream bite. It’s ... it’s brilliant.

Not to mention, if you’re of age, the Pete’s on the Hill is one of a small and dwindling number of full-service bars in

the area, with a wide assortment of beers and daily happy hour from 3 to 8 p.m.

Vamos!

See LATE, page 38

• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 37

Late from page 37 Cosmo’s Pizza

Two locations: 1325 Broadway St. #108 303-447-1133 Dine in or carry out only 659 30th St. 303-447-3278 Dine in, carry out or delivery 11 a.m.-2 a.m. daily at both locations During the day, the number of customers at Cosmo’s won’t “wow” you. You’ll find people casually filtering in like any other restaurant in Boulder. Late at night, especially on the weekends, Cosmo’s on the Hill looks more like a stampede as Buffs line up well beyond the doors to get a slice or two of pizza and some of Cosmo’s otherworldly Spicy Ranch.

Cosmo’s isn’t that big of a place to begin with, but there is something to be said for waiting outside in the winter to get pizza, and believe us it happens here and it’s worth the wait.

The 30th Street store is conveniently located across

from the Williams Village dorm complex, and provides a good late-night option for all those neglected, off-campus slacker freshman. It also delivers until 2 a.m., which comes in awful handy no matter where you live in Boulder.

Boulder Baked

1911 Broadway St. 303-444-4999 4 p.m.-midnight daily Cookies and desserts delivered to your door until midnight? Could life offer anything better? Don’t answer that, because it can’t.

Boulder may be a city filled with quinoa and kale chips, but this town definitely has a sweet tooth. The familyowned Boulder Baked has sold mountains of freshbaked cookies over recent years, offering flavors ranging from your classic chocolate chip to the more adventurous oatmeal white chocolate cherry, to everything. Yes, there is an “everything” option. While the cookies are unreal, don’t for-

Daniel Petty / The Denver Post When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie ... oh man, I’m hungry. Are you hungry?

get the cupcakes, brownies or cakes. Or the ice cream sandwiches, milkshakes and pies.

Boulder Baked also puts together care packages, so

ment and enthusiasm the fried masterpiece brings into the pub. The Pub’s got all of Pearl Street the late-night bar food you Pub & Cellar need — burgers, wings and fries that are a must try. The 1108 Pearl St. drink specials here are on 303-939-9900 point, and we can’t dismiss Open until 2 a.m. every the fact that this place has night (bar time: 1:30 a.m.) pool tables, foosball, darts There’s no way around it, the fried mac ’n’ cheese gets and the occasional live band people going. And by “going” to bring everything together.

See LATE, page 40 I’m talking about the exciteyou can send yourself one in case your mom forgets.

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 39

Late from page 38 Don’t forget to kiss the buffalo if it’s your birthday, and keep an eye out for a beautiful display of some great Denver Broncos’ history hiding in plain sight in the cellar.

D.P. Dough

1622 Broadway St. 303-444-9663 Open until 12:30 a.m. Sunday-Wednesday; until 3 a.m.

Thursday-Saturday This is a good option if you’re A) really high, B) really drunk or C) really OK living with regrets — profound, painful regrets usually related to profound, painful visits to the restroom.

On the plus side, D.P. Dough’s insane assortment of calzones makes this spot the perfect place to pick up some much-needed sustenance after a long night out.

With options including your standard sausage and pepperoni, the veggie-packed Garden ’Zone, all the way to breakfasty-yet-served-all-

Burgers from page 35

night eggs, bacon, potatoes, sausage and cheddar-stuffed Sunny ’Zono, it’s not hard to find at least one you’ll dig.

Plus, that place has wings, cookies and tater tots. Score.

Except for the whole bathroom thing.

We all live with regrets.

Half Fast Subs

1215 13th St. 303-449-0404 Open until 1 a.m. Thursday-Saturday If you’re the indecisive type, Half Fast is either your best friend or your worst nightmare. This Uni Hill staple offers more than 100 varieties of the classic American sub sandwich and claims, perhaps realistically, that it may have the largest sandwich menu in the U.S. For those of legal imbibing age, try out — but be wary of — Half Fast’s legendary 32ounce Strong Island ice teas.

Denny’s

2905 Baseline Road

Boulder’s largest Birkenstock selection

303-447-0080 Open 24 hours Your humble narrator has never been to Denny’s but has seen many Denny’s commercials, and is thus equipped to make the following statement: You know the drill — you’ve been hitting up Denny’s for late-night eats and coffee refills since your high school days. Go and do what you already know how to do. Just try not to drive the servers crazy. It’s not an easy job, OK?

IHOP

1675 28th St. 303-441-2115 Open 24 hours If you’re from North America, odds are fantastic you’ve heard of this ubiquitous diner chain as well. Without much in the way of 24-hour, sit-down joints in Boulder, it’s nice to have these two standbys available for some simple late-night fare and free coffee refills.

Alex Burness: twitter.com/ alex_burness

checks. If you are an 18year-old incoming freshman, allow me to explain: Checks are rectangular pieces of paper that people used to pay for items with.

Often, the person in front of you in line would wait until the ver y last minute to begin filling it out.

The Attic Bar and Bistro 949 Walnut St.; 11:30 a.m.-2 a.m. daily The Attic offers a variety of burgers and sandwiches along with other pretty standard pub fare — like fish and chips and jalapeño poppers. There is a good variety for ever yone, including salads and hummus for all you lettuce people.

But we’re talking burgers here. The eye-catcher on the menu has to be the Bucky Supreme — a burger with three kinds of cheese and bacon sandwiched between two — count ’em — two grilled

cheese sandwiches.

They also ser ve fried cheese curds, so take an extra statin and head on down. Viva Wisconsin!

Here are some quick bites for when you, or your wallet, are in the mood for something more fast-casual: •Five Guys, 1855 29th St., 10 a.m.-10 p.m. daily •Larkburger, 2525 Arapahoe Ave., 11 a.m.-9 p.m.

Sunday-Thursday; 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Friday-Saturday •Smashburger, 1650 28th St., 10 a.m.-10 p.m. daily •Snarfburger, 2000 Arapahoe Ave., 11 a.m.-midnight SundayThursday; 11 a.m.-2 a.m.

Friday-Saturday John Bear: twitter.com/ johnbearwithme

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KNOW YOUR COLUMNIST

Sieh stars in ‘The China Monologues’ Alexandra Sieh is the Colorado Daily’s China correspondent, reporting in every other Tuesday

By Deanna Hardies Colorado Daily Editor

A

fter three years guiding our asses around Boulder bars and breweries, Alexandra Sieh packed her beer-soaked bags and headed to Beijing. That was a year ago. Lucky for us, she’s sent back all sorts of absurd adventures via her rebranded column, The China Monologues, and will continue to ship new tales priority status from across the Pacific for her second year abroad.

Here’s a few words from the expat herself.

Philosophers hate her! What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

When Asia’s utter chaos or strangeness threatens my already

Alexandra’s not quite sure about Hong Kong’s art, but that’s OK. Most people aren’t sure of her in China, anyway.

precarious hold on sanity and reason, I turn to this multi-step process: 1) Plug in my headphones and flip to my old-school guilty pleasures. 2) Turn my meditation beads through my fingers, pushing to each bead with a new breath. 3) Force my face to smile in a way that’s as least creepy as possible, though ultimately probably looks a lot like a toddler passing gas.

Give me a haiku inspired by something that pisses you off.

Pushing and shoving, I use my tall frame to slow The subway jackass.

If you were 6 inches tall, what animal would be your mighty steed?

The way I figure it, I’d have a

Courtesy photo

See SIEH, page 42

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• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 41

Sieh from page 41

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whole band of merry animal friends. My teacup pig would be the intimidation factor and top-notch mighty steed. For long-distance travel, I’d turn to the swallow (African or European — I’m still not sure).

If I rifled through your fridge, what’s the most scandalous item I am likely to find?

It all depends on how frisky you want to get with my roommates’ vegetables ...

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

Enjoying a day “Weekend at Bernie’s”-style and then leaving them propped on a bench somewhere. “See you later, dude,” I’d call over my shoulder, making a clean getaway.

What college-level course are you qualified to teach?

Panic Travel 301: Designed for the “Holy shit, I’m way out of my comfort zone in this country and I still have eight days to go — thank God I’m so clearly not from this country,” style of traveling.

In this course, you’ll learn: • How to point and raise your eyebrows in the most inquisitive way possible when asking about prices, ordering, etc.; • Tips for long layovers in unhelpful foreign airports; • How-tos for when you’re stuck in the illegal, juryrigged middle seat on some Southeast Asian bus; • Advice for how to handle even the most blatant pointing and laughing from

local residents.

New this year: A weekend seminar for best practices in all sorts of Asian bathroom conditions.

What is the best flavor of Jell-O shot (besides snozzberry, of course)?

If I could, I’d absolutely be slurping down Jell-O shots made with soju, that deceptively powerful liquor pouring out of Korea.

What euphemism makes you grin like a demented middle schooler?

I’ve always enjoyed saying, “Well ... that’s unique,” to underplay a situation, outfit, decision, etc. To quote John Mulaney: “Aw, I love how you’ll just wear anything.” This tickles me. It’s also absurdly relevant in Beijing.

Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

Mummies’ clear abhorrence of cats is a huge plus — not that I’m overly concerned about mummies or anything. I’d say the obvious medical benefit they provide is a test of willpower and muscle control. Because when a cat decides it wants to sleep either next to you or on you, you’re not moving until they want to. You’re just not.

Follow Alexandra’s adventures overseas every other Tuesday. You can find old travel tales at colorado daily.com/columnists.

Stalk her: instagram.com/ wildeyed_wandering.

KNOW YOUR COLUMNIST

Jarocki tells us what’s ‘On Air Next’

Elijah Jarocki lets us know what’s spinning on campus every Thursday in the Daily

By Deanna Hardies Colorado Daily Editor

E

lijah Jarocki is the music director at CU Boulder’s Radio 1190.

Philosophers hate him!

What’s your one weird trick to keep the existential crisis at bay?

Whenever I feel the looming dread of a meaningless future, I steep a cup of Irish Breakfast, toss a little milk in, and sink into the welcoming fabric of a broken armchair. As I finish my tea and slowly recover from a bout of existential anxiety, I pull myself out of the chair’s

This is a tough one; 6 inches is taller than you think! If I were 3 inches tall, I would of course tame and fly an iridescent dragonfly named Gwenn. Imagine it: glistening springless foundation and wrong, I’m not interested in body, soaring splendor, we the ultraviolence! Rather, I’d get back on my feet. It’s fearlessly dart through a have to drink the milk solely always harder than I think, maze of water lilies, pond for the experience. The but the sheer amount of fauna and fishing lines. HowKorova Milk Bar is by far the physical exertion always ever, I think at my extreme brings me a little hope. If you coolest spot in town; it’s the height of 6 inches, I would can get out of the armchair’s best haunt for sophistos from Courtesy photo crush Gwenn like a plump quicksand pull, you can sure- the TV studio, strange opera 14-year-old riding the family ly muster up enough energy singers and murderous teen- Elijah Jarocki eats, drinks, breathes and flosses with music. dog. No, for my 6-inch body, to convince yourself that life agers. Not to mention I’d I would instead mount a look damn good in an allhas some sort of perverse deadly rattlesnake. The I meet a girl who seems white getup worn by the meaning. harness would be hard to cool bar’s patrons.

What fictional drug are figure out, but the ride would But she likes dubstep Give me a haiku inspired you most curious to try? be unmatched. With my If you were 6 inches tall, by something that pisses I would love to try a dash trusty reptilian steed, I would what animal would be your you off. of Moloko Plus from A I can’t stand it when mighty steed?

Clockwork Orange. It would See JAROCKI, page 44 “sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultraviolence.” Don’t get me For more information, please contact the University of Colorado - Boulder ROTC at 303-492-3549 or visit goarmy.com/rotc/buffalo.

START THINKING AHEAD. START RAISING YOUR EXPECTATIONS. START ABOVE THE REST. START RISING TO THE OCCASION. START TAKING CHALLENGES. START REACHING YOUR GOALS. START STRONG. Enroll in ROTC at UC-Boulder. Take on new challenges and learn valuable leadership skills. You could even receive a two-year scholarship. After you graduate, you'll be an Army Officer.

©2015. Paid for by the United States Army. All rights reserved.

• AUGUST 24, 2016 • 43

Jarocki from page 43

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establish a powerful rule over all the grassland creatures and vanquish all of my 6-inch adversaries.

What is your preferred method of disposing of the body?

You can’t prove anything, but if I were to have killed someone, I would have definitely driven them to Denny’s and propped them up in a nice corner booth. Most of Denny’s patrons have already experienced a death of sorts, so another body fits in perfectly. Not to mention, if you get a hankerin’ for some diner food while dropping the poor sap off, Denny’s serves unlimited coffee and, of course, the Grand Slamwich.

Drawing on the unholy forces of Shub-Niggurath, you gain the power to resurrect someone from the grave, but only long enough for that person to create a genre-bending album/video event, a la Beyonce’s “Lemonade.” Who do you

raise from the dead, and what’s their hit single?

I would resurrect Paul McCartney from his earthly tomb. Ever since his untimely death in 1966 and lookalike replacement, shame has been brought upon the McCartney name. I mean, Wings, are you kidding me?

That’s not the lovable lad from Liverpool but an imposter. With Paul’s help, we could create an incredible multimedia art piece that would expose the truth about his death while maintaining the artistic integrity of “Please Please Me”-era Beatles. The hit single would be called “Hey, it’s me again, Paul, Paul from The Beatles, turns out I was totally dead the whole time, Sgt. Pepper is a bad album, anyway here’s Love Me Do pt. 2” Aside from stress relief and lowering blood pressure with the power of purrs, what little-known medical benefit do cats provide?

Protein

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