October, 2002

r

2002 I SERVING RICH CONSERVATIVE ANGLOS I SINCE 1983 I ONLY EDITION

TODAY IN-YOUR FAUCETTE President Bush Challenges Monkeys to IQ test.

Bush: War May Be Unavoidable "I got a hallkering for some tankering" President invites world to Victory Barbecue in Baghdad "We'll serve the juiciest ribs this side of Waco."

The beleaguered 43rd President of the United States, in response to allegations made by the Primates Assocation of America, has challenged Bubbles the chimp in order to 'prove that he is, in fact, actually smarter than the average monkey. SectionA-2

Matthew Harker The Faucette

Buddy Love?

So you need some lovin', but you're just not ready to commit to anyone be~ cause everyone aside from you are fricking weirdos. Well, the Faucette's very own Naomi Lee explores in depth, the immense world of f--k friends. Check out her guide to getting it on; and keeping it distant.

Section A-8

Beer Die Fever Clasps its Cold Beer Soaked Hands on Engineering Beer Die, the latest sport to enter the intra-Engineering league alongside Soccer and Flagball, has sky-rocketed in popularity ever since its re-introduction as a "Boat-racing" alternative two years ago. Learn about this !llDazing sport in section A-9

BY THE NUMBERS Business: The Dow fell to a five year low as several key players post worst season ever. It's doubtful that the Toronto market which ended below 6000 for the first time in six years will make the play-offs this year.

Sports: Mechanical Bul1s posted several key gains before closing 8 points above the Electric Pussycat Swingers Club, yesterday in the FlagbalJ market.

In the Soccer exchange, the Horny Horny Hippoes lost another 5 points, as talk of lay-ofts continue to shrivel the once mighty team.

QUOTE Gravity isn't only a law, it's a good idea.

Ajax

WEATHER

Ifs October, ifs going to be windy, cold and dreary, but not enough to really get you down, no that will be November.

High: Luke-Warm piSS Low: Cold toilet seat

Jodat Canuck celebrates the announcement that Ron Maclean will indeed return for another season of witless banter.

Ron MacLean Returns to HNIC 10dat Canuck, a devout

Joe Canuck sighs a breath of relief.

"Now I can Live Again" Alex Whitehouse The Faucette

TORONTO - Ron MacLean and CBC agreed to a new contract Thursday, ensuring that the popular sportscaster will be back at his post on Hockey Night In Canada in just over a week.

Merely a week after announcing that the oddly popular telecaster would no longer be part of the celebrated hockey program, the CBC caved in to thousands upon thousands of e-mails sent by fans across Canada, and signed Ron to a contract worth several hundred thousand dollars. Emails sent by average Canadians, like 10e Canuck, warned the CBC of the consequences of removing Ron and letting Don Cherry remain, uncensored.

Over the course of the week. several Canadians had threatened to take a more militant st'ance against the CBC's unwillingness to rehire Ron. In Chicoutimi, Quebec, one man prepared to emolatehimself under a Hockey Night in Canada sign, while out West in Vancouver a women begged her Imam to declare Jihad against public broadcasting. Even amongst minorities at local ''bars'' there was a feeling of deep despair and hopelessness not felt since the introduction of GST.

MacLeanist and average Canadian, staged a massive protest campaign in his native town of Medicine Hat declaring "praise Ron, and death to the infidel CBC pigs who grow fat off my money."

"It's incredible, how this story has taken priority over everything else," commented CBC Sports director, Nancy Lee. "However, I wish I didn't receive so many death threats.

Especially on my birthday."

With news of the return of Ron MacLean, many Canadians have taken to the street and began dancing the traditional Canadian spiritual, ''La Macarene", and drinking copious amounts of chai.

"Foreigners just don't understand what hockey means. For us its more than just a grittier version of Disney on ice. It's a chance to celebrate our culture as Canadians, as we have been for decades: drunk and disorderly.

Hockey Night in Canada begins on

1.1

Heallh

Canada

(Warshington) President Bush announced yesterday that a war with Iraq "may be unavoidable." Citing dwindling popularity and boredom with his Texas ranch "dull" setting, the President has decided to acquire some new territory and hold one "incredible party."

Bush discussed the matter over a box of Barbecue ribs, with White House Dog Spotty and Vice President Dick Cheney whispering sweet nothings in his ear . The President stated that Saddam Hussein had got him "all ready to go," and when asked if he could pull out, he simply said "too late, can't stop.

1've already ordered the invitations" Bush said his insatiable appetite for war could not be cured with a box of ribs, or even a night of sitting on the sofa eating pretzels and chugging beer.

"I hear that Saddam has these really good palaces that make the White House look. .. uh ... not good," Bush stated. ''We've already asked our inspectors to get a look-see for "weapons of massdestruction, but really I want to know Continued on Daile A-3

The Plumbers' Faucet Unveils New "Theme" Issue those whily people at the Gazette Fompleting a three year odyssey to give poorly written, joke of a publication much needed facelift, while retaining the same staff who make it a poorly dtten joke of a publication, The PlumbFaucet decided that since it too is a written joke of a publication then should pay hommage to Quebec's oldrecycling bin filler, by copying in days what took them three years create, and subsequently looking more a rip-off of the Onion than ever beStay tuned for next month's Faucet will feature an entirely new and layout bringing McGill's longsurviving humour publication into 21st and a bit century. Obviously, writing will remain at its same easily an{)TlIhl" level.

Sat'lte Canada

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A2 NEWS

THEFAUCETTE,MCGILL,OCTOBER2002

Bush, Bubbles to ~Square Off in Battle o' f Wits Monkey Match promises to answer the question "whom descended

IN FOCUS

from whom."

Alex Whitehouse The Faucette

With absolutely no non Ken Spillberg entries for the "Ken Spillberg Lpok Alike Contest", the editors have decidecf to split the grand prize, 42 cases of beer, between them-

§~pid Moron Believes Smoking Commercial, Wins $28billion A Los Angeles jury awarded $28 billion to a woman who acquired lung cancer because she smoked PhillipMorris ·Cigarettes. Apparently, fraudulent advertising forced her to smoke.

For once her incredibJe lack of willpower turned out t9 be a boon in her life, until the appeal that is.

)Prince fan misses opportunity to declare self "Biggest Prince Fan on Campus" Local freak and editor of The Plumb~rs' Faucet, Alex Whitehouse misses his single opporturuty to remind everyone who reads this paper that he, in . fact, is still the biggest Prince fan on campus. Currently, in his third year of writing for The Plumbers' Faucet Alex has made headlines for his blunders as well as his obsession with the purple one. Get a life Alex!

Terrorist Decides Against Flying United.

Citing a disturbing trend towards nofrills airlines with It{Ss passenger room, Ahmad Hussein has chosen to skip flying United Airlines this year. "The I peanut packagfes are too small. They never have the kosher meals, and with such small overhead storage space, ~here am 1 going to store my equipment?"

Volwne 19, Issue 2, October 8th, 2002

· b ' 1'..'h e PIurn ers Faucet ..

RCJom 7, MCBqOCfdn.ell Engmeenng U/ mg 'j McGill University 3480 University St. Montreal QC H3A 2K6

ThePlumbers~~:~@hotmaiI.COm \ /

Matt Harker .

Editor

Alex Whitehouse Business Manager

ChriSta B~ll

ProductWn Manager

Alan Powell . .

pseudo group "The Monkees."

(Washington) After countless months of 1 The test will be divided into three dodging the issue, President George W. segments. The first test will access both Bush has finally accepted the intelli- the chimp and George Bush's ability to gence challenge from the President of read a teleprompter, and answer simple questions regarding the subject. The the Primates Society of America (PSA), choice of subjects will range from topBubbles the Chimp.

Months of hackneyed euphe- ics like "the colour of the sky," "ponies," misms, malapropisms, and misquoted cliand "bugs 1 like to eat." ches, like "F,?ol me once... shame on ...

Many critics have denounced the shame on you ... fool me, you can't get first test as unfair to the chimp who lacks fooled again," and ineptitude heretofor the proper v09al chords to be able to unseen in politics since Dan Quayle, has pronounce consonants. However, after angered The Primates Society of listening to George Bush speak, and America, a lobby group that fights for watching a sample of Bubbles cute and the rights of primates throughout the loveable miming, the ~ritics agree that United States. Bush, card carrying mem- Bubbles should possess the edge.

'The second test will challenge ber of the PSA was formerly believed to be a champion of their causes, until a both the eyes and the hands, as several large three dimensional plastic objects crucial bill permitting legal marriages between primates vetoed by the President purchased from Fisher Price, wi\! be proved otherwise. Taring apart his mem- .placed infront of both contestants rebership dating back to his days as a 'C' quiring them to put the objects in the student in Harvard, the Primates Soci- right shaWd hole, Finally, the most challenging of ety expelled the President from their association. Unfortunately, several reports the three tasks will ,requite Bush and Bubbles to place a mark, any mark on a still linked him with the society, tpreatening most of their funding, which came ballot, fold that ballot, and place it in a from l?emocrat supporters. President of, box. At the end of the day, the contestants with the 'most votes leses the electhe Primate Society, Bubbles the Chimp, famed pet of equally weird pop star tipn.

Michael Jackson, decided to take action.

The challenge has received much Calling President Bush too stupid fOf tlae attention from Democrats and world PSA, he challenged the man to a intelli- , leaders alike. ''These guys are all sweatgence duel in ord~r separate the man ing at the opportunity lo watph that igfrom the monkey group. norant pompous horse's ass who calls "At first, Bush was afraid.of fachimself leader of the fi;ee world, to screw ing the chimp, and had asked to com- up," said Presidential loser Al Gore, who pete against one of the retarded mon- let's all remember was actually a worse keys in the medical labs, but after months candidate than George W. Bush. The of nagging and chiding from the press, show promises to be a ratings bonanza, he finally accepted Bubbles offer," said with television promotion and video rePSA spokewoman, Christa Fletcher. leases expecting to make billions world The competition, set to begin in wide. Promoters will also be please to mid-November, will take place in Madi- hear that a rematch has already been son Square Gardens, and feature, an scheduled, after Bush loses the games. opening act from none other than famed

I

Jonathan Brun The FauFette (McGill) Today in breaking news, Michael Dolory's liver fled his body. "I have enough of this crap! I can't process anymore beer. He treats me like the Hudson river, dumping disgusting stuff and expecting me to clean it up. What more can 1 say, I just can't handle another ex or dry." exclaitned Mike's lived.

Michael, a computer engineer from Ontario, has dramatically changed his lifestyle since arriving at McGill.

"Once 1 got home froItl. school, I would study for a few hours and then hit the sack at a tardy 9:30. Now, 1 can't fall asleep if I'm not drunk. Even more distressing is my necessity of a complete <two pitchers to get tipsy; I've had to cash in my mutual funds to pay for my drinking habits" stated Michael at a press conference at .t he General Hospital.

Doctors explained this was the first recordeq case but that they expected it. They explained, ''What can you expect when you treat your liver like an alcohol purification center".

Doctors said Mike would have to stop drinking until he could get a transplant.

Michael responded my exclaiming "You can take my liver, but you can never take my feedom (to drink).

My stomach, intestines, gallbladder, and other parts will just have to pick up the sJack. I can't let this setback stop my Guinness world record bid to remain intoxicated for 4 years straight while graduating Suma Cume Laude. I'll prONe ou skeotics wrong."

The Faucette would like to thank the following contributors: Jon Brun, Jordan Keeler, Le Nguyen, Ken Spillberg, Christine Dube

.LETTERS Let me know whatlcap do to help. Great September issue! lteep up the good

Hi guys,

( work.

I'm writing you in support of your Cheers, campaign to make the Daily fee optional. MIKELIEW 1 agree that the Daily should be funded (A fan from Arts) only by those students who read it, while \ I . , Dear Plumbers' Faucet the money of others can be put towards much more worthWhile causes. 1 think .. .. you may be up against the fact that the Damn fucking nght, the McGill Dally referendum to implement the new fees SUCKS! I ~ant my $[10] back! I'm was just a few months ago. In any event, already beln~ raped up th~ ass by I'm glad you guys were the ones to take the textbook Il'ldustry, I don t need ~~ the initiative and make this happen. I spend even MO~E money on StUPI . can't think of anyone better for the Job. s h'tI I' m never gOIn g to refid.

Anonymous

I

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!All materia] published in tJte Plumbers'

tFaucet is copyright of the Plumbers' )Faucet of the date of publication. The opinions in the Plumbers' Faucet are ex~

as

.~Iusively the 'opinions of their authors l)is~ution ManagHers k bd do not necessarily reflect the views Alex WhitehouselMatt ar er • . ..

FifE For adVertising information, please con~c our friend~y Business Manager, Chris~ Bell.the Shedetmls w~ be about more than hap~~ to e~pl all advemsmg In the O "" lfr Plumber's Faucet. r ~ee ee t0 contac . because It . seems tha t th ey the Editors are the only who d0 work around here . christ sake. for

Liver Flees Engineers Body

of McGill Uruverstty, The acu ty 0

n-

~neering, the McGill Engineering Un-

,dergraduate Society nor necessarily the

~iews of the editors. .Submissions are

accepted from all lIterate persons . tha . regardless of faculty. . Content . edi . t IS i'deemed not to be racISt, seXISt, s tious, . iilibelous' or contravene the CanadIan

Charter of Rights and Freedoms will be accepted. The editors of the Plwnbers' Faucet reserve the right to modify, abridge, or otherwise change any submissions without the author's permission, in all cases content will be h 'bl All preserved as muc as POSSI e. submissions must contain the author's name and cont~ct infotmatio~.

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This '" . d' publicahon . contalllS satire, paro les, f gh th tall and expressIons 0 thou th at Read no readers may er . . . understand.or s are.

An dIscretiOn IS thus adVIsed. y com-

Referendum update: The Plumbers' Faucet has contacted the Chief Returning

OfficeroftheStud~ntSocietyofMcGill

University, Sarah Huggins. So far we have received a very confusing e-mail from her, but are still intent with pursuing the referendum question. To reII)i.nd our " readers, we ' mtend to bnng the quesuon to make the fees of the McGill Daily optoutable to the general popUlation. The question will most likely be brought during March, if at all. In th.e coming months, look for your friendly Faucet Editor pencil and paper in hand, asking ' signature and support. for your " ments about the Plumber's Faucet or material within must be directed in writing to the above contact addresses.

Publication of such comments is at the' writer'S request. Letters for publication sbould be kept below 500 words.

Protests must follow Article 8 of The . , F Constitution of The Plumber S aucet, which is available for public viewing at the above addresses. Any similarities between. materia] in the Plumber's .Faucet .I and material that has . a. copynght ISI unintentional and comcldental, unless .

1.~ attribution bas been gIven to use suc»,I material.

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THEFAUCETIE,MCGILL,OCTOBER2002

,

WORLD A3

MO'SES' LIBRARY FOUND' Contains Torah with Alternate Fan Rejected Ending A. Maisonblanche

AlP (Mount Sinai) An event of historic proportions has occured in one of the most symbolic areas of the world. A room recently discovered by Archaelogist Prof.

Casabianca, could be the much mythologised Library of Moses.

Discovered deep within the bowels of a subteranean complex underneath the famous mountain, the library, if belonging to Moses, contains several hundred books and writings that would shed much light on a time which is only vaguely understood by historians and anthropoligists alike.

"For years, ever since I can remember, there has been a myth that Moses, during his travels kept a library, as a way to store and hide his numerous writings, the most important being the Torah of course," stated Dr. Casabiance. "I never believed it existed until we found [the catacombs], and came upon this dark room of thankfully intact writings."

Although much wmk still remains to be done deciphering and reading the writings, much new information has been discovered. The first major discovery being what Dr. Casabianca believes to be a early rough draft of the Torah.

The Torah, commonly known as the fIrst fIve books of the Old Testament was known to have been written by Moses many years ago. The version found in the library describes the process Moses went through to create his masterpiece. The rough-draft of Torah, itself, is divided into 19 different extended books, featuring titles like "The Revenge of Ramses" or ''Torah part 5: The apple, the wife, and her lover."

Several areas of the Torah which were omitted in the fInal version give reason to the surprising length of the rough edition. Explains Dr. Casabianca, "Some of us might remember the seemingly endless, 'and Seth begat Cainan, who begat Enos and so forth, well it turns out that

Moses was much more longwinded then that. In this version he goes on to describe the family tree of the cousins and their cousins. It takes approximately 10 books before he gets on with the story."

Also included is some information about the fIrst real human, Lilith. In the rough draft, Lilith is created before Adam, but apparently God accidently makes Lilith identical in power and image. When he decides to erase her existence, Lilith refuses to die, and a three volume battle royale ensues with two thirds of the Universe being wiped out including a pan galactic hyper intelligent alien species called the Quanar who aid God in defeating Lilith by pushing their planet into the sun and creating a supernova.

Even more startingly in the discovery of the rough draft are several side

On the last page of each volume of the bible, contains a line, which apparently God and Moses had a dispute about. If translated correctly, the lines should read, "Do you like the adventures of God? To join the God fanclub, please send 10 sheep to Moses c/o Heaven 5956 Mt. Sinai." In the book, Moses writes that he feels he deserves some gratuity for the hard work he has put into promoting the name of the lord, while God did not want to be cheapened by a silly fan club that was all the rage with the Philistines.

Several other writings of note have also been read and deciphered. Of the most interest to the researchers is a copy of several volumes of a book believed to be the prequel to the Torah.

Written twenty years after the fIrst Torah was released to much praise, the prequel describes the beginnings of God from his days as a slave on a desert ...Iftranslated correctly, the planet to his fInal ruling position as crealines should read, "Do you tor of galaxies and lord of all. The prequel like the adventures of God? portends to be as fun and exciting as To join the God fanclub, the fIrst Torah, but Dr. Casabianca feels that the story is forced. ''Moses is tryplease send 10 sheep to ing to tell too much in too short of a time Moses ... frame. Sure there's some wicked fIght scenes and special effects, but everynotes scrawled in a shimmery gold ink, thing's convuluted, plus the character which resonates with a brilliance unlike of God, once everyone's favourite has anything ever created before. The style become a bland and featureless characof writing differ wildly from Moses own ter. I think he was too enamoured with handwriting, and roughly translated are bringing back his famous characters. He believe to say such things as ''I didn't should have just left it alone. I don't say that. Stop putting words in my fInd it surprising that God killed Moses mouth Moses," or "Moses, you daft off before he could fInish it."

The third set of writings that has twit, I don't want to see that in my book." the researchers piqued are a set of ''These scribbles, if indeed they naughty parchments discovered under were written by God, are incredible for a collection of old Blondie cartoons. The several reasons. First, it's direct proof pornographic doodlings written on that God does indeed exist. Secondly, it sheepskin, were designed

by Moses shows that Moses was merely a ghost himself, and mass produced by his prowriter for a much to busy deity, and teges . thirdly, it's amazing how messy God's ''I don't think Moses used these handwriting is," comments Casabianca. for himself. We found his bedroom there were much more graphic parchments in that room. However, I do believe he sold these to afford this massive complex.

Hey, we all have to pay the bills somehow," concedes Casabianca.

While still early into the discovery, the writings have been universally condemned as fraudulent by all JudeoChristian religious groups, with Pope Jean Paul II citing the discovery as another attempt to defIle the holy sanctity of the catholic church.

However, Dr. Casabianca believes that this discovery is real and should mark one of the turning points in humanities understanding of their relationship with God and other beings.

"It took the Catholics 400 years to recognize Galileo, it'll be much longer before Moses library makes it to the review board, but until then all open minded and accepting people can take it for what it is, an interesting take on a subject often taken way to seriously."

In the coming months, more information will be released to the public , with Dr. Casabianca planning to release a translated version of the rough draft with side notes and annotations. "Sure, it will be scholarly and stuff, but more importantly, think of the royalties. The bible is the best selling book of all time.

Think about it's rough draft. I'll follow Moses lead and 'maketh riches, to be....._ _... wl!i!lllill stow unto myself lavishly' ."

Bush?rders2,.OOO,OOOstarand stnpe napkins, sparklers.

"Let's see those United Nations guys tell me this was a bad idea after they've tried Ma's ribs."

continued from A-1 where I can put my pool table. " Further reasons condoning the war included the fact that the US had tanks that had not been touched since the Gulf War. Bush insisted that they needed to be taken out for a spin to make sure the~l were in full working order. A simple fIeld test would not be acceptable as there were also leftover shells which needed to be detonated as well. Otherwise they would just pile up in the vastly overcrowded United States munitions storage system.

In the press meeting, when approached with the accusation that the threats of attacks was mendy a thinly veiletl attempt to lower international oil prices in an effort to stimulate businesses both the President and Vice President are deeply associated with, White House spokseperson Ari Fleitcher, simply replied, ''No sir, I just thought that in times of crisis, our top priority should be an incredible barbecue to lift the spirits of the world's elite. Also, there's absolutely no correllation between these planned attacks and the President's father 's past very patriotic actions, which I might add were very patriotic for the time. CNN loved it."

The much maligned President looked spritely as he ordered 5,000 red, white and blue streamers. "It's the fIrst time Dick's let me do anything since I've came here," said George W. Bush. ''I've even got a chance to be smarter than Colin. He doesn't know nothing about barbecues. Back in Texas, I knows barbecues."

International reaction to Bush's plans for the Baghdad Bash 2002, have ranged from mild disapproval to outright disgust. Several groups have signed a petition begging the United States to forego the invasion and hold the party on its own territory. Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs, William Graham, denounced President Bush's tactics as "barbaric," joining a multitude of world leaders and vegetarians opposing the law.

However, Prime Minister of England, Tony Blair, disagrees. "I've been to a Texas party, and all I can say is that I' d declare war on the Universe, if it means that I could get another taste of that those great baby back ribs. Trust me, when you've tried them, you' ll agree. Besides, I'm sure there'll be enough potato salad for the Veg heads."

The White House administration has expressed surprise that any American or human alive in the world would express disapproval of the current strategy, calling all dissenters ''un-patriotic evil-doers who threaten to crush the Alabaster Pillar of leadership that has been .George W. Bush." Edgar J. Pearce of the New York Times reacting harshly to the accusations, responded "maybe President Bush should also grasp the pillars of reality and common sense, and quit stroking that 'alabaster leadership' rod so much."

Still , the President remain s unfazed by the criticism, ''Dad says that if I ignore them they' ll go away.

Anyways, they can't hurt me, I'm presodent." Bush later concluded that, "If this invasion thing is as successful as I hope it will be be, perhaps I'll do this every year. Boy won't that be swell."

THE FAUCETTE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

A4 COMMENTARY

HE SAID:

THE HIERARCHY' OF

SUCK WHITEY Permit this bumptious editor a moment of your time, for the requirements of explaining the insensate heckling that exists amongst newspapers ranging from prestigious stock to the billingsgate currently staining your dubiously washed appendages will require only a portion of your insignificant time. The puissant powers bestowed upon me as editor of The Plumbers' Faucet grants me countless privileges and the means necessary to fulfill my numinous ambition to spread my euphonious word throughout the hallowed halls of McGill. For I am a paladin of a cause greater than news, even greater than the medium. My cause is the muselage that binds media throughout the world in base tactics and mindless marketing. The cause that makes enemies out of allies, ruins friendships and most importantly garners readership and ratings. Simply put, I fight for trash.

Journalism should represent the very cream of civilization, it should shine refulgently, shedding that light upon the masses who yearning to seek knowledge and understand the greater world beyond the comer store, and classroom.

Realities like Orwell's Oceania (1984) should never exist with free press, and the massive inundation of information, along with a utopian celebration of the

English language.

Print offers an attractive medium for liars, for in all my time on this globe, I have never witnessed any man or woman speak that last paragraph with a straight face. How could they? How could anyone who reads, writes or merely observes the world call this "news?". We're the media now, brandishing our percentage points as medals of honour, never once embracing the sacred honour of reporting the world to the people. In the nineteen sixties, North Americans received for the first time ever, brutal uncensored footage of a war like Vietnam. That was news. In the nineteen nineties war became James Earl Jones voice over CNN, and twenty four hour attempts to create infonnation and real the average consumer. All the tenets of advertisement make it into our "media," or as I call it, the "Suck." Feature as much sex as possible, celebrate star culture, and most importantly keep the news personal. Ron MacLean earns national attention, because he demands more money for a job that requires basic reading and speaking skills, along with the enonnous talent of keeping a veritable ogre of man with a fruit for a last name down to his 5 minute allotted speaking time. What about the Congo?

How can a war entangling numerous nations, the aftennath of last centuries most grotesque case of genocide, not garner at least one front page article in a major Canadian publication?

Weekly magazines like the Montreal Mirror feature nudity on the cover.

The Montreal Gazette can post a picture of a murderer like OJ Simpson dining in a restaurant on its front page, and claim with a straight face that it is a respectable journalistic new source. Even

amongst the bastions of english knowledge in Montreal, Concordia and McGill, all the new sources engage in the same malfeasance, and yet refuse to recognize the hypocrisy of their actions. The McGill Daily, a bi-weekly magazine that many of itsown people claim to be the finest new source on McGill, features large antagonistic covers of the usual gaggle of issues that entice its readers, ergo drug use (this week's Marijuana cover), student activism, and sex. The paper celebrates its sensationalism, but never exhibits any of the qualities of journalism that it portends to hold dear.

There will always be more than one side to any issue, do not let the McGill Daily fool you to believe otherwise.

Did I not say that I supported the 'Suck"'? I did. With today's media I can live in beautiful Washington man-

The cause that makes enemies out of allies, ruins friendships and most importantly garners readership and ratings. Simply put, I tight for trash. sions, earning millions a year while I, the puppet master, guide the "news" and mold it into national interest. As Emperor of Reality, I could muster leagues upon leagues of people to whatever cause I deem important, with my camarilla of assistants handling the details. Of course, I only edit the Plumbers' Faucet, a meager paper at best, but on its way up, thanks to my leadership. Why will I succeed while young pups writing for the McGill newspapers, will soon drown in their beliefs of journalistic purity?

Because I respect the "suck". Those who treat the "suck" with disdain will suffer cruelly for their naivete. Like the "party member" of 1984, I believe that in order to truly succeed one must know all the facts, the reality and the hippocracy. It is the duty in the Hiearchy of Suck to ignore the tenets of journalism, and support the tactics of ridicule.

Tactics like the immense net of name calling and ridicule that exists amongst all media. Publications with less readership, will undoubtedly attack those with higher readership. The Montreal Hour mocks the Montreal Gazette, The Plumbers' Faucet attacks the McGill Daily, The Red Herring ridicules the Plumbers Faucet, and so forth, each successively less known and acknowledge publication trying to dog its immediate better, perhaps with the hope of receiving the recognition from the larger publication.

Supporting this concatenation of ridicule provides a necessary means of acquiring readership. The McGill Daily is our enemy, thus we receive support from people who dislike the Daily, and can bond with any organization along that one simple concept. Common hatred propels are readership to send letters and articles against the Daily. Look at our non-staff written pieces. I defy you to find one that does not mention some crass comment in the daily. Sure the McGill paper belongs in bowels of some chthonic beast, but frankly so does the Faucet. So, at times we may be funny, but we have our priorities. Respect the Suck, and life will be plentiful.

STRAIGHT GIRLS IS STUPID! From now on I'm going Lesbian!

I'm sick and tired of straight women.

Stoopid, boring, IKEA loving straight women can just ride off into that GAP guilded sunset, because I'm through with them. I used to like straight girls.

They liked me, at least I thought... but nooooo ... they want to "play the field," find the hottest guy out there, and make wild crazy monkey sex, until they realize that the hot guys are either vapid drones stewing in their own football loving, titty grabbing, crotch scratching juices or prefer the love of another man.

Where's the love for the smart, sensitive relatively cute guys? Huh? I ask you, this hamster offers all that, but for whom? no one. From now on, I'll stick to lesbians. Lesbians make sense.

When they say you're hot, they want sex. When they say they hate penises, well damn well you better believe it, 'cuz a lot of them do . So you say, 'Hey Maisonblanche' give straight girls another chance? Why? so I can be shat on again? So that another extremely cute, wonderfully bouncy girl who loves cartoons almost as much as I do, can offer her love one evening and then spurn me the next. NO FUCKING WAY! This world's too god-damn crazy already for me without the stupid hassle of mixed up girls who can't decide whether it would be more fun to be super-slutty or just get on with life and decide that one decent, albeit older guy, could possibly perhaps just maybe make them happy and please them with insightful conversation, stimulating wit, and devastatingly great sex.

Okay, so perhaps, I might be lying on the last issue. I never was great in bed, but that's not important. You see, like so many engineering students, I offer insight and puppy like devotion.

Hell! Sleep with whomever you want,

,... " ......... .

Isn't that good enough for straight women. Can't they accept the fact that we men, especially engineering men, are just dogs waiting for the short end of the leash for just one second of sexual gratifaction. hmpph!

It's all a game to theslOostraight women.

They keep talking about the boys like my red necked cousins talk about deers.

Did someone say women abhor hunting? Well, that person's lying. They love it! It's just with bigger game, and frankly the game isn't that much brighter.

I tell you it's high time we all became lesbians around here. Truly, they're better. 'cuz we all know that women are the superior species. Boobies have to be the greatest invention of all time, but constantly straight girls diminish themselves for loving dumbass men. Well, I'm smart. I recognize that women are better, so I'll love only the women who recognize that fact also. Of course, no Lesbian's gonna want me either, that's why they're Lesbians, but at least when I'm around them, I know what the fuck's going on. I'm minding my own business not getting horny, not getting stoopid and definitely having a bloody good time thinking of dumb things for those stupid Pedigree Booty Comics at the end.

Perhaps I'll go back to straight women. I mean, I changed my mind on many issues. In fact I strongly expect to flip flop on this issue for a while longer.

Fortunately, Engineering offers about as many attractive people as I have '/>:s.

Sure, it will be tricky. I mean, I'll have to hang out at Magnolia, perhaps dance with thatgreatbusgirl. Oh... She's such a good dancer. Then... only then would I find the deep love that I deserve of straight (oops) I should say queer forward, people.

SHE SAID: ARE THESE STRAIGHT BOYS THE BEST WE CAN REALLY GET? I'll never understand why we like these cretins, or why some of us crave their touch or need their presence. It's like we purposely try to lower our greatness as women.

So check it. I was enjoying my very first frosh week, my very first time in Montreal, and thankfully my very first time on my own away from the watchful eye of my loving parents. To be fair, I probably went a bit overboard, but that's why we have an incredibly exhausting week of drinking and crazy monkey-sex; so that by September we'd be ready to settle down to school and learn the vast wonders of the world.

Of course we both know that after a week of school everything becomes hedonistic again - school's too boring to compete with sex and boozebut I digress. So I meet this guy, he's kind of cute, likes to listen to me talk and basically doesn't say anything too stupid. Just your average good enough kind of guy. So thanks to alcohol, thanks to many other stimuli, stuff happens. 'nuff said.

Now, he's calling me, e-mailing me, and acting all weird around me, telling me he wants to see me again and get close, and DAYUMN it was just one evening, and it ain't gonna happen no more. Can't these idiots just accept that sometimes all people really want is to satiate themselves for long enough to make it to the next potential

soul mate. He wasn't Mr. right, and it's not like he's the only guy doing this.

There are plenty other guys who just happen to show up whenever I want to go out, or just happen to find my fucking phone number and call me seven times a day. Take a hint. If I'm even remotely interested, I call you, now fuck off!

See, it's like my only two options are to get with losers who'll fall madly in love with me after one kiss, or find some "super football dick head" who thinks just because he's got padding on his pecks that he can treat me like shit, and expect me to swoon.

I swear it's true, the prettier the boy is the less he has going on inside.

It's like some narcissistic effect. He'll spend too much time looking in the mirror, instead of taking the time to be at least intelligent to engage in some fonn of civilized verbal communication. AND I LIKE PREITY BOYS !

So you see my problem. I can't get the best of both worlds. I either have to listen to some daft prick expound on the joys of farting, or get with Eugene the Wondernerd - truly he was the king of the dorks. Sure, I guess homosexuality is an option, but frankly I find other women more annoying than men, they're so frivolous and silly, so I guess all I have to say is my life sucks, and stop calling me, unless you happen to be Carlos the delivery boy with my D-cell batteries.

COMMENTARY I BUSINESS AS

THE FAUCETIE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

TH~E

HARKER DOCTRI'NE

THE DISTRIBUTION' CRISIS A FAUCETTE PICTORIAL

Let's make some money today Oh boy! Another issue of The Plumbers' Faucet has been completed and printed.

NoV'!. its up to our valiant Editors/Acting Distribution Managers to get the paper out to you the reader, commonly known as the blind and/or ignorant. Our first stop? The hub of student, Shatner Building. All right editors, Warp Factor Five!

Db oh! It turns out that they were expecting us.

The doors are locked. Our first reaction is to get revenge against those Tribune bastards who keep cornrnandeering our one box. It's been ours for years so let us in? Trust us, they'll pay for this.

Matt says, "All right get rna gun."

Fortunately, cooler heads prevail. The Faucet must be delivered to its readers. Ignorant people have no patience and they can't wait any longer to rip into this juicy new issue. Hmmm, it looks like Alex has an idea.

Perhaps things will end happy for the Fauceteers after all.

Brilliant! Thank god for the lazy unions at McGill, this forklift will be perfect. Luckily, Matt has worked one of these before. It's not the first time that a Faucet Editor has had to force himself into a building in order to spread the love. So, with a quick pull of the knob, and a turn of the shaft, we ...

Engage in what can only be described as a cheap and lazy attempt at photograph doctoring. Crash!

Bang! the doors are battered, the Faucets delivered, and magically everything will look repaired and just as ill-kept come next day. So now it's back to barely passing classes.

See you next month.

I

MATTHEW HARKER

i

The Faucet's resident economy-guru spills the beans, and lets you in on the secrets of how to nurture your country towards economic prosperity.

Are you proud of your country? Of course you are stoopid.

The prosperity of a country is weighted mainly by its Gross Domestic Product, or GDP. Here's how to do your part for your country's prosperity. Ther.e are even things you can do to increase the employment rate, and it doesn't involve getting a job!

Encourage overcharging. Head on down to the new Ailes de la Mode store down on University Street. Pick out a cozy-looking sweater, and when you make the purchase, tell the kind folk at the register to make it a double.

If you pay twice as much, you're doing the GDP a big fat favour. Sure Ailes has still only sold one sweater, but their productivity has just doubled! Sounds ass backwards, and that's because it is.

That's the whole beauty of it. So next time you walk into HMV, "make it a double," and pay the $46 for that CD that cost pennies to make. Now that's productivity !

Never tip. Who knows if that sketchy looking bartender is going to claim that tip money on their tax-return?

Why spend money which a minimum of 20% isn't going to your local MP's 'Steak. Hotel, and Limo Fund'? MPs like Cam Jackson can get hungry and horny, just like real people. They need their steak and hotel pornos to do their job well. So, if money doesn't get claimed on an income tax form, it doesn't reflect in our friendly GDP. Get in more car crashes. Think of the economic splendor which follows a car crash. The tow-trucks, the mechanic and body work, the insurance claims, and even the possibility of expensive physical therapy. It all costs you but a miniscule insurance deductible! Hot-diggidy! A little bit of pain goes a long way. If you aim for a public property, like telephone poles or park benches, you can even put the civil servants to work. Don't forget to get the biggest fattest loan you can when you buy your car. You might think that since no-one has to get off their ass to do it, collecting interest payments can't possibly increase productivity. But think again, numb-skull, interest payments are pure profit for your bank, and gets tacked straight on to the GDP. Never use a garbage can again.

The bottom line here is that littering creates jobs, and what stimulates a healthier economy better than a blossoming job market? Most Canadian cities now wield a fleet of heavy-duty vacuum vehicles for sucking up carelessly dropped litter. If everyone intentionally drops their litter, we can commission more of these trash-mobiles, and hire more people to drive them.

Cba-ching! That's the sound oftheGDP hitting the roof!

Keep your computer up-to-date.

UPdat.e you computer equipment every time it becomes obsolete. This might be financially impossible even for Bill Gates, but it brings up an important point regarding financial planning. It's helpful to pick financial goals and stick to them as best as possible. Sacrificing eating and drinking for the sake of your country is really the least you could do. Sure you would die for your freedolli, but would you die for prosperity? Most people would say no, and that's the one and only flaw with democratic economics.

Keep the homeless homeless. The homeless normally do not file tax returns, nor do they fill out census forms. They therefore are not included in financial statistics. By the simple law of averages keeping the wealth in the hands of fewer people does wonders for our per-capita stats. The best way to keep homeless people where they are is ignorance. Deny that they exist, and ignore them to the

...Are you proud of your country? Of course you are stoopid.

best of your ability. People without money don't have a voice, and even less so if no-one listens. Of course, this shouldn't prove to be as difficult as it sounds, as homeless people either want to be there, or are to crazy to realize that being homeless sucks.

Screw Ma' and Pa', go multinational. If we look at the money spending scope of a multinational corporation, we can easily see that they can spend much more than anyone else.

Any company that can turn a profit in the millions is a friend of your country.

Their CEOs are even mends of your MPs, and I'd bet a bundle that Ma' and Pa are not. Multinationals pay all sorts of tariffs to evefi out the market cost of their goods. Tariffs are the money that Uncle Moneybags takes from the people who m<;lke a dollar a day making the goods.

It's basically free money for your country that some poor sucker did the work for.

Stop immigration. We all know that immigrants are good for Shish-Taouk and talking funny, but in the end they just bring down the average wealth of the country. Let's be like the Swiss, we'll make ourselves an exclusive club of the superrich, push the prices up 100 fold, and relish in our economic superiority. Ab, land of opportunity? Kiss my ass.

Set a nuclear device off in Fort Knox. I got this idea from a movie. Let's radiate all the gold in Fort Knox, thus raising the price of everyone else's gold.

We stockpile before, and afterwards we're rich.

Invade small, oil bearing nations.

This goes along with the Fort Knox idea, but if one takes a look at Alberta, one will see that oil brings them mucho moolah.

Logically if Canada invades a nation whose armed forces are being limited by international organizations, we can control the oil and the price per barrel, boosting "productivity" as high as we want. .. huzzah.

So there it is. Jean Chretien himself would say it's not asking too much. So do your part, and get your friends in on the action too.

A6 SPORTS '.

THE FAUCETTE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

Say, Does Anyone Believe Anything that I Write?!

JAQ

TODD TUESDAY NIGHT QUARTER TOSSER

address, I've learned to appreciate their ruggedness. So, I guess we can all look forward to one last season, which has been the same thing I've been saying since 1995, Wow! Two centuries ago!

Wait, I can't be that old. I think I'm fifty, so yup two centuries.

that Montreal wins, I'm always surprised that we never make the play-offs. However, I think this year will be different. I might be wrong, although I rarely am, but I foresee the Allouettes versus the Patriots next January. Just call it a hunch.

You heard it here first folks.

Amazing Impact

So that it's for this "ace" reporter who likes to pretend he's fighting alongside the common masses while scamming as many free tickets as possible for his friends, and even though these players make more money in a year than a "normal" guy like Newman off of Seinfeld (man he cracks me up) would make in a lifetime, don't think for a moment that I have a pr<?blem with it, because without them I wouldn't have an overlong annoying column to write, and I couldn't dream of ditching this rag for a real job cleaning Jock straps.

&&&&&&&&&& Here I go again, with Did you all hear that Montreal had a more annoying exclamation marks and soccer team, and that we made the playexpressions! ! ! I might be a sports writer offs. Could have fooled me. I think it's lucky enough to get a job in Montreal, amazing that in a city like Montreal stuff just because all the English talent is in can go on without even my knowledge.

Toronto, but believe you me, I take my Incredible! I think I'll make that the subjob seriously, and most of that time that ject of my next serial mystery thriller that involves me ranting on about issues will appear in this paper. Hopefully, I'll outside of sports with little or no under- win another one of those Montreal standing of what the hell I'm talking. So awards for "Creative English Writing In what's really wrong with this world? I A Murder Mystery Serial Format". Hey, tell you those anti-global people should don'{ mention to the judges that I'm the just keep on doing their mime schtick only fool doing it.

Heroes: Jose Theodore, Donald Audette, and writing cute messages on their butVladimir Guererro, that guy who-does tocks, and maybe those stupid fatheads my laundry weekly, Fuji from the Suin Ottawa will finally listen. Speaking of The AlIouettes Look to Win per Dave Osbourne Show, Canada Post fatheads, the TNQT has just hit upon a scoop that should knock you off your So it's that tjme of the year when the feet. It turns out that Ron MacLean was CFl.:s best, ~d bri~htest come out to Zeroes: Myself, Don Cherry, ABC for unhappy with his contract, so CBC pl~y. Look ~ like this years Superbowl not hiring me nomatterhow often I beg. won't be bringing him back anymore (edi- will be amazmg. For the number of games Garfield (when will it end?) tors note, Ron MacLean resigned 3 days _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _---;-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ ago, way to keep up with the times Todd).

Oh, well it's not like he was any good. I could've done a better job, except for the fact that I hate Don Cherry. That guy's such a loudmouthed twit, like everyone in the CBC who only show Toronto Maple Leaf games and never answer my e-mails. If that guy had an ounce of brains, he would recognize what an inconceivably brash fool he is. But hey he's from Toronto, where they're all morons. Now, here's my man Theodore.

Boy, he's got some talent. Of course, I could do better, but after breaking my hip last spring , I need some time to recover. You know so then I can go on talking shit. It will be funny when I'm old, and I'll be like Red Fisher, except I '11 just be cantankerous and not actually know anyone or anything. Can you believe that Don Cherry guy?

Love Those Expos.

So how about those Expos? Are those guys classy or what? Sure, I spent the better half of the year criticizing every decision they've ever made, attacking the pitcher - Javier Vazquez if I ever see you in the street you're a dead man- even my personal hero Vlad, but I gotta tell you, since the team found out my home

PMS Avenger Captain Elisabeth Mance celebrates a point scored in her teams first game of the Beer Die League Season. The Avengers Lost 15-13.

Beer Die League Starts in Spectacular Fashion.

1st night scores.

Pants Down

15

PMS Avengers

13

Barleys Angels

15

Les Habitants Hosers 14

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(Engineering Common Room) Demonstrating the drinking spirit inherent in Engineering, the Beer Die League began in glorious fashion.

At one point considered a game relegated to the serious drinkers, Beer Die has garnered main stream interest over the course of the past year, and celebrated it's first night of official competition mid-September.

Four teams competed in the historic first night. Early on in the evening Habitants Hosers, wearing their team toques, lost in !lcclose game to BarAngels. The game almost ended Iprematurely when Barleys Angels threatened to walk out after an argued call.

Later on, two rookie teams fought glory and respect. In a close game went to the last round for both Pants Down narrowly triumphed against the strong and loud PMS AvengDuring the semester the league will continue every Friday at and :\.lefore Engineering Blues Pub (held 'within Common Room where cheap drinks are sold). For rules on the game, check opposing page.

I __>IE.

Sports BriefS High Hopes for HNIC Raises Patrice Laroche, a long time fan of the Montreal Canadiens has higher expectations from Ron MacLean and Don Cherry due to their recent raises.

As a regular Hockey Night in Canada watcher, he hopes that Ron MacLean will be at least 7 % less lame, and say 7 % less stupid things. On his wishful thinking list, he would like Don Cherry to be 7% less annoying.

Slacker Engineer Winded Well known slacker Mike Stanton was fully out of breath after last Wednesday's game in Engineering FlagBall League play. He attributed the incident to a summer of smoking, drinking, and sitting on his ass. He foresees his team doing well this season, and feels he will still be able to "kick some ass" as long as he continues to play on the offensive line.

Photo of rugby game between McGill and Harvard taken by our recently fired photographer Jone Chong

McGiU Defeats Harvard; Wins Rights to Harvard Name: Sunday morning on lower campus, McGill defeated the Harvard Rugby team in a rugby scrimmage, and took home the new title 'Harvard.' The now former Harvard will likely take on the name the Harvard of the South.

Hackett Discusses BenchWanning Game Plan Jeff Hackett put in some overtime this weekend working closely with Michel Thierren on his bench-warming game plan. Hackett will make $3.6 million this year warming the bench for the Canadiens, and wants to make sure he does a $3.6 million job of it. The team spokesperson said they concentrated mostly on form, and heat distribution.

Glavine Has Bunion At a press release yesterday, Atlanta pitcher Tom Glavine told the media that he had "a wicked-bad bunion" on his left heel. He claimed it wouldn't affect his play in the NL division series, but thought he should just let everyone know.

THE FAUCETIE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

SPORTS A7

Beer Die 'Rules

Equipment: 1. Beer Die table. Dimensions: Rectangular with length twice as long as width. The dimensions need not be exactly as shown, but a table between (6+ 1), and 8' long will generally yield the best games. Melamine is an ideal material for a Beer Die table, as it provides a strong, even bounce to the die. In truth, a Beer Die table can be made with anything at hand, including a piece of plywood and some lines drawn on with pancil or chalk.

2. Several six sided dice (Actually only one is required to play the game, but as you get drunker and wilder you are likely to lose dice with increasing frequency).

3. 14 ounce plastic beer cups 4. Beer. Lots.

5. Two teams of one or two people

SetUp: Arrange the table so that it is between two and four feet off the ground. Place seating for two 'people (chairs, stools and couches are all appropriate) at each end of the table.

Rolling in: If more than four players wish to take part in a game, this is resolved by a process known as rolling in. Each potential player rolls a single die. The two highest rollers form one team. and the two lowest rollers form the other.

Roll offs are used to decide ties (e.g. if 6 6 4 3 3 1 are rolled, the two people who rolled 3's each roll again. The one who rolls lower will form a team with the player who rolled the 1) If the game is not the fIrst game of the session, the team winning the most recent game has the option of holding the table, in which case only two positions are open. In this case the two highest rollers will form the opposition.Each team pours one beer for each team member. Roll for Side or throw: One die is rolled by each team.

The team rolling the higher number gets to choose which side of the table they will sit on or whether they will throw fust or second. The other team gets to make the remaining decision (throw or side). The te3IDs take their seats and place their beers entirely within the appropriate squares on the table and the game is ready to commence. Games may be played between a team of two and a single player, or between two single players, but doubles games are invariably the most fun.

Scoring: The scaring af a game is divided up into drinks and beers. A beer consists of 4+ 1 drinks. Drinks can be any size a player. wishes, however by the time 4+ 1 drinks have been amassed, the player must be fInished their beer. (i.e. a player can chug their beer on their fust or last drink, or drink exactly 0.2 beer each drink, or anything in between) Teams always drink together. If one player commits a foul, both he and his partner must drink.

Drinks can be taken by a player for his partner, but not by outside parties. A game goes up to wah or, (occasionally) wah-wah beers (a Championship Game).

(See the section on the Naughty Numbers if you're unclear on what wah and wah-wah mean). The number of beers in the game is decided at the start, but may .b e increase during the game by mutual agreement of both teams. The fust team to fInish the requisite number of beers loses the game (Odd, I know.

You lose if you drink a lot).

Sequence of Play: One player from the first team (let's call

him/her Player 1A) throws the die in the air. It must bounce on the far side of the table (beyond the halfway line). If it goes between the opposition's cups (or off the end of the table in the case of a single opponent), they must attempt to catch it, cleanly, with one hand without bobbling or trapping against the body.

One player from the second team (lets call him/her player 2A) team takes his/ her turn throwing the die and thus establishes the order of throwing. This order must be retained for the rest of the game. Thus in our example, the order of throws would be: IA,2A, 1B, 2B, 1A ...

Fromnowon, for simplicity's sake, I will dispense with the his/her and simply say his. Once a team has fInished a beer, their opponents get up and refill their cups. It is also considered polite to provide one's opponents with the bottle caps used in filling their beers, so they may be flicked.

Rules Concerning the Throw: A throw must be higher than a prescribed elevation. This elevation should be agreed upon at the start of the game. If a receiving team believes a throw to be low, they must announce this by calling "low," while the die is still over the table. A throw may not be called low retroactively. The receiving team does not have to drink due to any events arising from a low throw (except a sink.

More on that later.) the throwing team stfll has to drink for any penalties arising from a low throw (e.g. missing the table, throwing short etc.)

Throws must be made underhand. If an overhand motion is used the throw is considered "dead" and the rules listed above regarding the throwers and catcher's drinking obligations are used.

Stambolich Rule: If a throw hits the ceiling of the room before hitting the table, no drinks can be assessed to either team due to that throw (again, a sink is the exception). Against a team of two, the die must bounce between or over the receiving team's cups to be considered good. Against 路a single player, the die must leave the table over the end (not the sides) for the throw to be considered good. A throw which is acceptable in all other manners, but fails to meet these criteria is said to be outside. No drinks are taken for outside throws which are not caught. If the receiving team believes a throw to be outside, they must call "outside" before the die hits the ground. Outside calls can. not be made retroactively.

-A throw which is acceptable in all other manners, but comes to a stop on the' table is considered dead and no drinks are assessed.

Events Calling for Drinks to be Taken: (A drink is required by the appropriate team whenever one of these events takes place) A throw misses the table entirely.

A throw makes its fust bounce short of the centre line. (A throw which makes its fust bounce beyond the centre line, and rolls or bounces back over the line does not require a drink). On a valid throw, the die bounces between the catching team's cups and they fail to catch it cleanly, with one hand, no bobbling or trapping. A catching player grabs a piece of his clothing with the catching hand while in the act of catching. A thrown die hits a cup (the team whose cup is hit must drink. If you hit your own cup, your team must drink).

If a thrown die hits both cups, two drinks are taken, to a maximum of one drink per cup hit. (If a die hits a single cup twice,

only one drink is required). A player throws out of turn (see separate seotion) A player says either of the "naughty numbers." (see separate section) A player's cup is not completely within the appropriate square when a throw is made. A cup touching any part of the painted square, is considered not completely within the square. A cup having been moved off the square by an opponent (or a non-participant) is no excuse. It is a player's responsibility to ensure that their cup is on their square when a throw is made. Throwing the die while one's partner is still drinking or has not replaced his cup will earn your team a drink., and earn you a bitter partner.

A false accusation of the above "cup off" rule is made. (N.B. This is the only instance where a false call mandates a drink). A catch over the table. If the die has not yet crossed one of the planes , extending vertically above the table's edges, it may not be caught. If it is caught in this location, the receiving team must drink. Drinks may not be taken from your game beer, except as mandated by the game. If you really need to drink that badly, that regularly (or if you're absolutely destroying your opponent) have another drink on the side.

number, it counts as the number having been spoken. A player may be penalized for saying the naughty numbers as soon as be has rolled in (or if rolling in is not required, as soon as the roll for side or throw is made). This applies even if the game has not yet started, or even if the player's team has not yet been decided.

If a player without a partner yet says a naughty number, he and his partner will be penalized once the game starts. One drink is required for each instance of the naughty number being uttered. For example the exchange: ''I gotwah-wahty wah-wah on my LSATs, which placed me in the ninety wahth percentile." ''What percentile?" "The ninety wahth!"

Would mean that the person talking about his LSATs (and his partner) would have to take four drinks. Naughty number calls may be made at any time after the number is uttered, so long as the offence can be proven satisfactorily.

The Sink (ab, the dreaded sink):

If a die goes in and stays in a cup, it is known as a sink. If a die lands in a cup, but bounces put, or tips the cup over and rolls out, it is not considered a sink.

It is only considered a hit of the cup, and requires the usual single drink.

Out of Turn Throws: When a team's cup is sunk, they must If a player takes his throw outside of the fInish whatever beer remains in their cups, whether it is one drink or wah, and established order, his team must take a whether the cups are full or empty. Once drink. Going back to our earlier example, if player 2B threw immediately after the beer is consumed, the player whose cup was sunk must take the die in his player lA, team 2 would be required to drink. It is impossible to throw "out of mouth and spit it on to the table. If the die comes up a wah, the spitting team team." This means that if player 1B must then drink another full beer. throws immediately after player lA no Because of this, a sink has the potential drink is required. If the out of team throw to make a huge difference in the game. is called by the opposition, the throw is Catching over the table to avoid one's simply called dead. The receiving team cup being sunk is legal, but still requires may not get out of taking a drink simply the one drink penalty, and is considered because a throw was out of tum. An out of turn throw means a penalty to the poor etiquette. If a die is in the cup, it's throwing team, but does not invalidate in the cup, and is considered a sink, no matter how it got there. Whether it was the throw. Once an out of turn throw on a low throw, a throw that hit the has been successfnlly called and the . ceiling, a team's throw into their own cup, penalty drink consumed, a new throwing bobbled off a hand and into a cup, or order is established. (i.e. if player 2B simply by someone walking over to the threw after lA, and an out of turn throw other side of the table with a die in their was called, either player IA or 1B could hand and dropping it in their opponent's throw, followed by either player 2A or cup. (Please note, doing this last will B). No matter who throws, the new order ensure that you either get the crap kicked established by these fIrst two tosses must be maintained until the next out of out of you and/or are never invited back to play Beer turn throw is called. Olf one team is genuinely too drunk to consistently Die again). remember the order of throws they may, Controversial Calls and for a penalty of one drink., call the "drunk Cheating: rule." After the drunk rule is called, All of the rules of Beer Die are open to neither team may be penalized for out of bending by either team during the course turn throws. Please note that this rule is of the game, with one exception. A team not to be used as a way to have your may never knowingly lie about the score best thrower take every toss. An honest of the game. All other forms of lying, effort should be made to maintain the underhandedness and deviousness are throwing order insofar as it is possible encouraged. THE-HALO: If, after to do so. argument and debate, it becomes clear The Naughty Numbers: that no resolution to an argument is A players team.must drink if either team going to be reached at the table, an ember utters one of the "Naughty arbitrator must be called in. Before the Numbers," or a variant thereof. The arbitrator is called, a clear question Naughty Numbers are the numbers after which allows a yes or no answer and four and after six (normally referred to will decide the argument must be as wah and wah-wah respectively). formulated (e.g. "Was the throw low?"

Variations of the numbers count as or "Does team 2 have to drink?"). The requiring drinks (e.g. the number after arbitrator should ideally be someone that 49, the number before 16, the number has not been watGhing, and is not after 26, the fractional equivalent of 0.2). connected to the game. Simply ask the Saying the naughty numbers in another arbitrator ''Yes or No?" Their yes or no language does not alter their answer is the fInal, binding settlement naughtiness. Le numero avant huit of the argument. Keep in mind that the requires a drink, just like the number point of Beer is to exercise ones before eight. There is some argument as cleverness. and throwing, drinking, and to when a number can actually be said catching skills, and to get drunk and to have been said. A useful guideline is have fun. that if the "v" is pronounced in either

Die

THE FAUCETIE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

A8 ENTERTAINMENT

Fall Season Sneak Previews:

The New Television Season, An Eight Month Suck Fest, Lives Up to It's Usual Standards Making a Damn Good Argument for Ratings: Reading. '" '" '" '" Eat it up - this is what TV is all about "''''''' Sweet eye-candy '" '" No good; may require thinking '" Could cause permanent brain damage

Cnmcherz ( .to .to .to )

If the pilot is any indication of what is to come with this new series, it looks like we have another runaway hit E.R.-style. This new drama focuses on the people who crunch our numbers; the accountants of New York's hot upstart accounting firm, F.D. James and Associates. The firm has just hired some fresh out of college number crunchers who make the actors on Boston Public look like Steve Buschemi with a black eye. If you thought accountants were lame pink-tie wearing geeks, this show will rock your fundamental values .

Ronald Weese is the only character who fits the stereotype, but not to worry, he gets all the flak for it. The other employees at the firm make him the brunt of just about every witty quip and zany practical-joke. After working hours is when the show really heats up. The accountants really loosen up after a couple of drinks at their local watering hole. Anything can happen at F.D. James and Associates, and that's what makes this show magical.

War-TV ( .to .to .to )

The newest installment in tasteless reality television is War-TV. Forget about crude History Television re-enactments and still-photo montages, this is the real thing. Centering on current wars, War-TV is live footage, edited only for run-time, leaving all the juicy stuff for your viewing. From, hand-to-hand combat in market -square peace-keeping missions, to misfiring missiles from the cockpit of an F-16, this show has it all.

You'll get a first hand view of what posttraumatic war syndrome is really made of. More importantly, you'll see what it's like to witness selfless heroic patriots in action. If Friends isn't quite as vomitinducing as you might like, this show is sure to fit the bill.

Corporate Bankruptcy Court ( .to .to )

as OJ. Trial meets Saved by the Bell.

The shows are based on records and files from the most recent corporate nose-divers. He-said, she-said antics rule most of the airtime, but that's just the way things go in corporate bankruptcy court. The out-of-court reenactments are reminiscent of Zack Morris and company squirming their way out of another detention with Mr. Belding. The ENRON case will have a running spot in each episode, but should take a more dominant role around November Sweeps.

THE VCR REPAIRWOMAN Video Reviews of Discount Movies

BETA MAX The Faucette

Since we here at the Faucet are not funded enough our critics were Qot able to see any current [Ums. (Still, with a mere fraction of the Daily's budget we can put our more readable material. But then again so can an orangutan with a brain tumor.) Instead we had to reach back, way back into our beer soaked brain and review older films.

( .to .to .to .to )

DAS BOOT: . From what we can tell is that there is some trouble on a submarine but it was all so confusing we can't be sure. The actors had suck thick accents and couldn't annunciate properly. It was like they were speaking German or something.

CITIZEN CANE: Holy fucking shit!!!

Rosebud was the sled!

[Editors addendum: Does that line sound familiar? We checked Google.ca and found around 2,000 sites that contained the exact same line, ~cluding Rosebud Was The Sled Productions.

Yes, The Plumbers' Faucet, containing the most original and inciteful ... ah forget it.]

Roommate wanted Roommate wanted for excellent 5 Y2 apartment in downtown with exquisite mountain top view of the city for $550 a month. Please call (514) 933-0373 for more information, only after 6 p.m.

Note: The Preceding ad is actually legitimate and npt another lame attempt ~ E°.!!!.edy_. _ _

Uncut and Uncensored for the first time ever

-Pedigree ~oo1;'9': The Mo~ie Say, you look like Ken Spillberg

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Breast Factor

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( .to .to .to .to .to .to .to .to )

Not to be outdone by Survivor Thailand, Breast-Factor comes as ABC's response to the castaways chosen for the latest million-dollar challenge. This Fear-Factor spin off intends to compete directly with the scant:iJy clad chests of Survivors. Breast Factor will have no challenges or events remotely related to breasts, but will fit in as many gratuitous breast shots as possible while still maintaining continuity to the show.

Each show culminates into the ultimate final challenge between the competitors, a full-contact power jumping-jacks competition. Ratings for the show are expected to be quite high, but are projected to skyrocket soon after the young woman with big breasts gets voted off Survivor.

TRON: Black light and video games, can you get any cooler. Move over Playstation 2 I want what they are playing on.

WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Factory?

More like chocolaty death carrip!

Children blowing up into blueberries and drowning in chocolate lakes, someone should really call the authorities. And don't get me started on the Umpa Loompa slave labor. True they are small freaky things, but they have rights damn it!

Stupidity Factor Perhaps the most well done reality game show on television is Stupidity Factor. In this type of series, the winner normally undertakes many different challenges which test a variety of skills and abilities. Contrarily, in this show it is a mere one which is tested sheer stupidity. The challenges are mostly based on Guinness world records.

The contestants are picked by their competitors as those who are least likely to successfully complete the challenge.

Humiliation and injury by stupidity is the bread and butter of this show, so it is expected to be well-received by those who are entertained by people stupider than themselves. As a point of note, if death results in the challenge attempt, that contestant is deemed the winner of the show. These winnings go to the benefactor they choose before the competition begins.

2001 SPACE ODDESSY: Yeah ... so there are these monkeys and then a baby in a crazy light show and no logical explanation how one leads to the other.

Now I'm confused and afraid of my computer.

i

"Never Has Life Been So Peachy"- Roger Ebert "I'd swear this is as full, plump and round a movie as there ever was" - Gene Shalit Stoning: Julia Roberts, Catherine Zeta Jones, Brad pm and Sir Anthony Hopkins as "Bad Mr. Buns.Âť Music: Prince Producer: Joel Silver, Director: Steven Soderbergh

6 p et\.s ~rida1r lIo'\Tember 1.sofi 'Pedigreebooof;,.@hoof;mail.com

~~

THE FAUCETTE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

LIVING A9

Doing the Freak Anytime of the Week The ABC's for those who want their sex emotion free.

NAOMI

LEE HEALTH AND HINDSIGHT Recently there was an article in the Daily recounting the delicate intricacies of a certain young man's sexual adventures in the belly of the fuck buddy underworld. It was a cute little story about lumpy Kraft Dinner and other musings of sort. Not to diminish. what the author was trying to perpetuate through his article, I've decided to take the article one step further, so shall we let the carnage ensue?

I know I'm no guru in regards to fuck friends but I'd like to think I know a thing or two about the subject since I have engaged in my own debacles as of Jate. Not that I'm a slut. Not even in the slightest. Nor do I suffer from low self esteem. (If that's what you think) Sure there are people who might have the audacity to form a biased opinion of me and think that I am <cough> a whore, but sincerely, these people are just jealous cuz they're not getting any. Hee Hee Everyone deserves some fresh cock, wouldn't you say?

Firstly let us set some ground rules.

Your fuck buddy should consist of someone fairly attractive but not someone you would typically hook up with. This doesn't not mean you are lowering your standards or settling you're just trying something different, like a Veggie Burger. If you're going to be fucking, you don't want to be reminded of your ex's, your friend's mom (or even your own mom).

There are no specific hot beds for those seeking a FB. Sure you can try to meet some one at the Second Cup on Milton, but that's just low. Come on kids, you can do better than that.

People ask me how I do it. All I can say is that I just do it. Maybe it's because I am almost completely devoid of any female wishy-washiness, like guilt, shame, decency, prudes. Actually, I am capable of having genuine emotions and am quite a sound individual. I'm just very good at compartmentalizing my emotions. It's like sectioning your food. There are boys I like, boys I hate, and boys I fuck. See? Simple enough.

A, Ass play is a no-no. Things are convoluted as it is with your suppose 'arrangement' . If you throw in ass play into the mix, you bound to get fucked.

B. Blow Jobs. Avoid these if you can.

Guys love BJ's and though dishing these out moderately is ok, thrice daily is a bit much; you're a fuckbuddy, not a Hoover. Plus that's girlfriend territory.

Why suck his cock when he's not even going to introduce you to his friends?

C. Condoms, condoms, condoms.

Can't stress them enough. No child likes being a bastard.

D. Don't ever meet their family. I mean it.

E. Experimenting with your FB can be a great learning experience, but don't push it (see A).

F. Feelings. Ask your fuck buddy how his or her day was. Offer your FB a

piece of your fruit roll-up. Tell them that it might rain today. Be kind. Fuck buddies have feelings too.

G Go Home. Don't loiter. Roommates and neighbors (see N.) start asking questions that you don't have answers to, like why there seems to be a new set of Nikes outside your door nightly?

Besides, you're going to need your sleep, and if you keep hanging around your FB 's place, your bound to have sex again and well, <sigh> you've got things to do, people to see.

L I am currently without a FB, any willing participants direct your inquires here, fuckbuddy@hotmail.com.

J. Jaft. Yeah, that's right. Guys, try to keep the jaft factor low...

K. Kiss your fuckbuddy like you would yoUl; "significant other" . It's not

...this doesn't not mean you are lowering your standards or settling you're just trying something different, like a Veggie Burger. prostitution.

L. The golden rule is not to fall in love with your fuck buddy. Not only do you mess up the mysterious phenomenon that is the Fuck Buddy world, but you'll fall hard. It's not like you guys are going to listen to me. I admit, it is difficult to NOT develop warm feelings for your FB. It's about as hard as licking your way into the centre of a Tootsie-Pop. N. is for neighbors. Consider neighbors as highly coveted unknown Monet paintings. They might not look like much back of the attic at first but boy, are they worth their weight in diamonds. If you have cute neighbors, you are hooked up for life. Start by borrowing a little sugar, then some matches, and maybe a corkscrew .. .

O. 0, 0, oh ... that's the spot.

P. Pregnancy. Don't be an asshole and get pregnant. No one likes an asshole.

So don't get pregnant, asshole.

Q. Quiet. Try and be respectful. Not everyone needs to know you are having a fun romp in your bedroom. Roommates can already be jealous of you as it stands, for your dashing good looks or your ability to cook a perfect chicken.

You don't want to test them, they'll likely snap when they hear you have sex one more time.

R. Respect. I'm going to be serious for just a moment. You might be in a FB relationship out of convenience, out of boredom, maybe under sheer intrigue, whatever. .. but you need to have a mutual understanding that you are having sex for fun, not for sport like some guys and not for love like some girls.

Don't patronize your FB. If you can't have a pleasant conversation with them then you are shallow. FB's can be the most awesome people you will ever meet (They are willing to sleep with you on regular bases, nes pas?) So don't mess it up but using them just for the sex. Be nice! Honestly, what goes around will come around, so watch out! If you are a prick to someone, (especially your FB) then when your vulnerability factor is at an all time high, someone sinister (eg. me) will manipulate you into a piece of shit, because that's exactly how you will feel. Respect each other. Or I'll come kick your ass. Okay?

S. Sharpness. Don' t drop the ball or get

in way over your head. Don't attempt the roommate switch; don't let your girlfriend hang out with former ~s etc.

Because when stuff like this happens, people like me will think you are no sharper than a stick of butter.

TNT. Gerts is a bad place to meet a future FB. But if you are looking for a one night stand, this place is teeming with sex, single-serving size.

U. University. I don't know if you:ve heard of this place called University, but I hear a lot people like to fuck there. You should try and go to one.

V. Vapid. Try not to have vapid people are your FBs. Scratch that; try not to associate with vapid people. period.

W. Winter. FB' s are great during the winter time. Sort of like snow tires.

X. s for psycho bitch. I mean, EXgirlfriendlboyfriend. Keep your new intramural sport on the down low when it comes to these claustrophobic people... they will develop instantaneous aneurysms upon receipt of the news, and if they somehow survive the inflicted trauma, they will diss your FB and spread evil and vicious nn:ilors about you. Psychos.

Y.Yippy. Less talk, more cock.

All in all, I hope that I have enlighten you all in some way, or at least provided you with a brief opportunity to stare into a fun loving, world filled with meaning and happiness, that might probably be just a bit beyond your regular beer quaffing reality.

If ever you express any reservations about trying this lifestyle, just remember that I'm normal, or at least more normal than you are. So listen to what I say and take it like your daily vitamins. See ya on the playing field.

Peace and love,

~_ _ _ _ _"":""'_ _ _ _ _ _ _----J

HOROSCOPE Jordan Keeler The Faucette

This issue has been filled with super keen hunky dory references to the Montreal Gazette, Quebec's oldest birdcage liner. Yes, indeed the Gazette is Montreal, if you happen to view Montreal as the block of skyscrapers between Peel and University St, or you happen to live in Westmount. Of course, some of you might ask the question, where is the usual McGill Daily rant?

Well, the editors of the Faucet have cooled off on the Daily bashing for a moment to let other groups take the charge. We can only mock. It's QPIRG and QUEER McGill who can do the real damage. However, a young Arts Student has joined the ranks of the Let's All Hate The Daily Club, and we give him his heavily edited space in this month's issue. So here's the Faucet's predictions for the next Daily issue combined with a thinly veiled attempt at a horoscope.

Front Page: If you only examine the front page you'll be alright. Usually find some full colour spread that remotely ties intQ the main story shows up on the cover. I use the term story loosely, as it is usually a one-sided rant poorly disguised as a balanced story.

Furthermore, the motherfucking ink they waste on the cover invariably ends up

on your hands. From your hands, it always manages to get clothing, notebooks, and assignments. This should last for the next few days. That ink is quite difficult to wash off, and seriously I'd avoid shaking hands with anyone in the near future. Otherwise, you'll Qe fme.

NewsArticles: People who only read the news articles are in for a big surprise. The Daily writers, you know, who put the stories are merely liberal, tree hugging hippie propagandists. But they're your propagandists, so treat all people with respect because they just might write for the Daily. Remember The Matrix, if they're not one of us then they're one of them. Recent topics, well, all topics reallY, have included We Hate America, some bullshit hippie protest, all of the 17 people on campus who care about recycling, IsraellPalestine, and/or some pseudo-indie music/art event that has little, if anything, to do with McGill.

In the latest issue, there was an article on a protest for woman in Nigeria facing the DEATH PENALTY was canceled due to RAIN!!! Of course, being nice and respecting people should only be done to those who deserve it. As New Edition would say, "Can you Stand the Rain?"

Editorials: People who read only the editorials should not be nice to anyone. After reading these articles which make no attempt to hide a bias, you'll be so angry that you'll need to vent a little.

Letters to the Editor: If you read the letters to the Editors than you are obviously one of the 10 or so people who write them. Shame on you. I am so sick of this goddarnn section. Every fucking week it reads ''I think Palestine is doing fine," or "nay nay, I think Israel's doing fine." (editors note, multiple cusswords deleted in last line).

99.9% of the people, like Ivory soap, don't care.

Slibel and Lander: Cowardice is natural to you. While others might have the integrity to put their name on their articles and stand behind it, Libel and Slander don't. Which is a shame because inside reports on people 99.9% of the student population, like Ivory Soap as well, don't care about are big this season.

Culture: There will be a funny smell coming from your recycling bin today, which is funny because only paper will be inside. That smell will be straight from the Culture section, which unlike a chemical counterpart, is absolutely devoid of anything resembling modem Culture. The topics tend to be about drug induced, avantgarde 1870 painting exhibitions, or some shitty indie band or rap/hip-hop/house music that only the author knows about because he is so much hipper than thou, what with his black glass, latte sipping, retro get-up. You don't fool anyone. You are a poseur.

Mind and Body : You will continually surprise the editors of the Faucet. How? By somehow, managing to be even sillier and more inane than their own exaggerated joke of you. An entire article on masturbating in a hospital counts a~ health advice? You readers are crazy, and whoever edits the section must have a fetish for penis/sex stories because I've seen way too many in that section. Remember, it's Mind & Body, which

.::.

THE FAUCETIE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

A10 How To Get Ahead At Work Ch rista Bell The Faucette

We here at the Faucet have complied some tips on how to become important and indispensable at your job in order that you may make more money to spend on beer and maybe have enough left over to eat something that's not out of a can. And the best part is, if you follow our tips for success you will never actually have to do any real work.

First you have got to draw attention to the fact that you are a good worker. This a hard thing to do because as a summer student or intern the only time you get any attention at all is if you fuck up. To get yourself some positive attention you have to make your own.

Get yourself some brightly colored postits and write things like, "Good job on the report," or "Nice work at the meeting." Then post them around your cubical, desk, cage or wherever else they may be keeping you. You can also get some fake official looking documents to put in your workspace (check recycling bins) and write on them too. People will think you've done great in the past and

Open Letter from Jonathan Brun Chief Analyst at JP. Marlin For the love of god, someone help me. I am chief analyst and top broker at J.P Marlin I can assure you that everything will recover, within a halfcentury.

I have a few years under my belt, but I can assertively state that the current market conditions are on parallel with the light recession of the 30s. Some people ask me how we made it out of that situation, one simple word, WAR! I strongly urge all willing youth to enlist and commence immediate invasion of a oil-laden country. My tepid age of 85 permits me to only wish well to the cheerio lads fighting for freedom.

Please, with oil at 30$US a barrel I can barely keep my yatch, 3 hummers and private jet running. Control of say, Iraq, could potentially lower oil to a reasonable cost which will help rejuvenate the stumbling markets.

As some may have heard, the government has decided to take action against corporate crime. With the erosion of 7 trillion dollars in wealth over two years we need desperate measures for a desperate situation. They have arrested numerous of my colleagues, whom are accused of defrauding the common investor. The proletariat should recognize us a superior species, demigods of the financial world. How can they not understand my necessity for a 15000 square foot house, a 150 ft yatch, a 50 car collection and a Learjet. For heavens sake, how else might a man live?

I do, however, acknowledge certain shortcomings on the part of executives. The collapse of Enron, Leaner-Hausbie, Worldcom, and Lucent has led me to believe we may have not made perfect decisions. I feel we can recover if we work together. I will set up a few useless, unprofitable companies, say, pets.com, savetherichman.com and certain others. If the common investor would please send a check to 123 Wall St. NY 54389 for 200$ per share I and my heirs would be forever grateful.

I hear them coming, the FBI is here. I'll be seeing you at the local white collar prison, perhaps we shall play a round or two after tea. Ta Ta, Cherio.

give you more challenging and respectful jobs so you can ditch, or start, scrubbing the executive toilets.

A useful thing to have in you "how to get ahead" arsenal is a "Crisis Rescue Action Plan" (CRAP). Imagine this, there is an important meeting. All the big bosses are there. They are using a lot of audiovisual equipment. They are about to get started but the equipment malfunctions. Big trouble?

No! You just happen to be outside the room and hear all their troubles and ask if you can help. Low and behold you know exactly what to do and like magic all the equipment comes to life. The bosses are impressed and now they finally know your name. What they don't know is you had a CRAP. Earlier in the day, before the meeting, you got into the AV room removed a small unnoticeable, yet essential piece of equipment and then hung around the meeting room until you heard shit hitting the fan. You swoop in and discreetly replace the part. The Crisis Rescue Action Plan will payoff every time.

Another helpful trick to becoming important is to be a knowledge hoarder. A knowledge hoarder is a person who knows many useful things but does not tell anyone else how they may too may use these useful tricks.

Being a knowledge hoarder lets you have all the power. You may help those who please you and destroy those who oppose you. The power is yours to control.

By following our useful tips you will insure you office success.

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I, tpay~ to work With the Canadian, Forces.

If you have, or are pursuing a degree recognized by a Canadian university in engineering or in one of these specific sciences: • Controls and Instrumentation • Mathematics • Physics

• Computer Science

• Applied Science • Oceanography

Then you may be eligible for one of the following: Graduates can receive a $ 40,000 recruitment bonus and guaranteed employment; 9.(

Students can receive a salary, paid tuition, books and guaranteed employment upon graduation.

For more information, call us, visit our Web site or come to one of our recruiting centres.

Strong~ Proud~

Today's Canadian Forces.

www.forces.gc.ca 1 800 856-8488

Canada

.+.

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Defense nationale

A11

THE FAUCETTE, MCGILL, OCTOBER 2002

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(* recommended for "kidz" ages 18 - 25)

This month's "Zany Science Experiment" involves the science of concrete and how it hardens. It should be performed with the supervision of an angry disenchanted twenty-something who possesses any sort of "beef' with "the man." For best results the experiment should· be undertaken at night in a low traffic area. Your angry project supervisor will pick out the appropriate apparatus for the experiment, and give you the go-ahead.

MATERIAlS: 1 - Pick-up Truck 1 - Converqble Car \ 200kg - Ready-MixTM Cement 400L- Water in maneuverable'barrels 2-Mixin' Hoes 1 - Really Sharp Knife PROCEDURE: Prior to experiment time, you should have picked up your materials which should be readily available at your local Canadian Tire, or Rona hardware store. Load your materials in the pick-up truck and head to your destination. If the situation should require, put on an identity disguising device, and cover any distingWshing traits on your pick-up truck. Use the sharp knife to 'make 'a lateral incision in the soft-top of the target vehicle. Carry the bags of cement frOll\ the pickup to the roof of the target vehicle. Cut the bags open with the sharp knife and deposit their contents into 1be target vehicle. Before you aad the water, make sure \ your supervisor is ready to "say when." (You (don't want the cement too watery or it won't set properly.) Add the water to the ceme~t mix, and use the hoes to stir the ingredients into a homogeneous mixture. At this tinle it is best to leave the experiment scene. If you wish .to view the experiment results, return in the morning with a camera or your chosen means on capturing the moment.

WHAT'S GOING ON? So you've filled some unsuspecting individual's car with a \ bit of powder and some water, and-BLAMMO!!-there's a big fat rock in it. So now you and the individual are wondering; "What tHe 'H' -'E' -Double-HockeySticks just happened?" Well here ' ~ the story: ,Concrete is made from cement, aggregates, chemical admixtures, mineral acJ,rnixtures, and water. The active ingredient of concrete is the cement paste. The most rapid reaction when mixing cement and water is the hydration of the 'tri-calcium aluminate JC~Al) which forms calcium aluminate hydrates which cause the formation of microstructures, and the physical hardening of the concrete. An important point to note is that the volume of hardened concrete MIl be less than that of the concrete mix and the water you add. So be sure to get more than you think you'll need.

In our case, we do not care much about the quality of the concrete, and would rather just see the car full of it. Regardless, the cement paste is what determines the performance of the concrete. Unless the owner of the car happens to be the Dean of Civil Engineering, they won' t be too distraught over the grade of concrete used.

When using concrete for more practical purposes, other additives can give the concrete properties which are beneficial to the specific application, such as acceleration, retardation, air entrainment, water reduction, or plasticity.

H20

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FUNFACfS: - Mankind has made concrete the most abundant man-made material. Future plans of covering the entire earth in concrete are looking hopeful. ~ Concrete is thermodynamically unstable so look out kids! ~ The Pantheon in Rome, made with "Roman Cement," has lasted for over 2000 years - think of how long it'll stay in that poor sap's car. ~Russian submarine designers are building military submarines out of concrete.

Because CQllcrete becomes stronger under high pressure, 'C-Subs' could settle down to the bottom in very deep water and wait for enemy ships to pass overhead. The concrete would show u~ on a sonar display like any ordinary phallic rock. Crazy Ruskies!

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