THE JOSHUA WEINZWEIG REVIEW OF WRITING 2020-2021
GRADE 12: JUST KEEP GOING ____________________________________________________________ by Sarah Asgari, Grade 12 Grade 12 has not been a fun year for me. Any last vestiges of joy that potentially lingered have long since been leeched away by university applications and their impending due dates looming over my head. If it’s not the applications I’m worrying about, it’s the question: “What am I going to do with my future?” (This question should obviously be answered before applying to any program whatsoever, but when would I ever find the time to answer it?) This steaming pile of dung also comes with the expectation that, to be successful, I have to obtain a career in: engineering, law, business or medicine—and make a handsome income in those respective fields. “You have about six options for university, Sarah: Western Ivey, McGill, U of T, McMaster, Waterloo and Queens for the aforementioned career paths,” my parents, grandparents (who don’t even speak English by the way, it’s just that somehow matters revolving around career choices tend to transcend language barriers), aunts, uncles, cousins and distant family friend I met once, all say. Those are just the people who have opinions. Opinions they feel entitled to voice, because they’re family and they know what’s best because they’re old experienced. The thing is, I know my relatives come from a place of kindness. I just don’t think they understand that they also come from a place of superiority (not to mention the notion that they have a claim on my future and how it progresses). The pressures they both knowingly and unknowingly inflict on me by voicing their vision of “the right path” confuse me to no end. I don’t even know myself well enough to understand what subjects I enjoy, and I’m starting to think it’s because I was only ever surrounded by—and exposed to—careers in medicine and business in my familial circle. Will it ever end? The view from the bottom of my deep, dark pit of despair and self-pity makes the answer to that question seem like a very firm, resounding “no.” It’s not just the pressures from family and university that make this year dismal, it’s the feeling of alienation. Both to myself and my classmates. A couple of days ago, one of my peers received early acceptance into a business program, and all I could think to myself was: Are you JOKING? It didn’t get better from there. My second thought was: I haven’t even filled out my applications. My third thought was: Why am I thinking about applications when I have no earthly idea what I want to do with my future? My fourth thought was: How am I supposed to apply to places when my sense of life direction is so skewed that I can’t even tell which subjects I like! My fifth and final thought was: I’m seventeen. How am I expected to pick a potential career path? Last week, my mom yelled at me for harbouring a bunch of towels in my room. That’s literally what my life experience is limited to. Towel harbouring. Evidently, my thoughts came full circle. Okay. So, I spiraled hard after I received Tam’s fantastic news. But I got over my feelings of intense jealousy pretty rapidly. They were a thing of the distant past. I smiled through my clenched jaw and congratulated my peer. My dentist (thanks Mom) fit me for a mouth guard a week later; I chipped one of my teeth from grinding too hard.
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