Thera Sze “I Am (What I Eat)”

I AM (WHAT I EAT) ____________________________________________________________ by Thera Sze, Grade 12

Since the beginning of my dull holiday in March (thanks to COVID-19), I spent nearly twelve hours every day double tapping my screen or scrolling past boring videos. What shows up the most on my feed is fitness and food. Sounds like a contradiction, right? I watched food bloggers trying these chewy, fudgy, gooey, double-chocolate cookies—they’re the best— topped with extra chocolate chips and a pinch of kosher salt. I wondered how to master these fluffy, jiggly, captivating soufflé pancakes—super Instagram-able—with a drizzle of maple syrup and a swirl of whipped cream. Oishii! But (there’s always a but), at the same time, multiple fitness influencers like Chloe Ting, Lilly Sabri and Pamela Reif passionately welcomed me to join their fitness community. Their torturous workout videos remarkably transform girls and empower them with self-confidence and self-admiration. Pictures of 11-line abs, tiny waists, lean arms and slim thighs popped up on my page like popcorn in a microwave. It was at that moment that all these conflicting thoughts incongruously mingled at once, like adding soy sauce to ice cream:

I want Timbits.

But I want to be skinny.

I want to eat cheese pizza.

But it has 300 calories.

I want to drink boba milk tea.

But water’s the better option.

I’m hungry.

But I don’t want to gain weight.

Food or body? I chose the latter, and I regretted it.

I’m obsessed with food. I’m sure you are, too. Everybody is. Our bodies need it. Eating is part of our daily routine. It’s scientifically proven that food is essential for our physical health. But how does food truly impact us mentally?

According to multiple calorie calculators on the internet, I should only be eating 1,000 calories per day in order to lose 1kg per week. This may sound like a lot, but it’s not. Reading nutritional fact labels became part of my daily routine. Whenever I grabbed a snack, a pack of noodles, or even an apple, I looked at the back of the package before opening them. Amount per serving… calories… 200 calories? Nope! I couldn’t eat that. I’d gain weight. I’d be fat. I’d feel sorry. I put all the food back in the pantry and just took a cucumber back to my room. Was I full? Certainly not. Was I happy? Maybe… for my determination of skipping a meal or eating less than usual. I was oddly proud of my diet that I wanted to continue. My future seemed bright and beautiful when I foresaw the numbers going down on the scale. But things started to change after three days. Every day I had the same meal: boiled chicken breast, plain salad with no dressing, and a glass of lemon water. Tedious. Sometimes I’d sneak a treat for myself: a teeny, tiny bite of a donut or a 1x1cm square of chocolate. I had no energy to work nor focus on study, let alone exercise. All I could think about was food.

Adelle Davis, an American author and nutritionist, suggested the following in her book Let’s

I AM (WHAT I EAT) ____________________________________________________________ by Thera Sze, Grade 12

Eat Right to Keep Fit: “Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.” So I chose to skip dinner and starved myself at night to save calories.

Without food, I felt weak and fatigued. I could only lay on my bed. What did I do? I watched ASMR eating videos. Why? Because my body craved it. The more I restricted myself, the more I thought about food. Psychologist Carl Jung long ago proposed his idea that “what you persist resists” to explain the relationship between resistance and resolution. According to the law of attraction, humans subconsciously undermine our goodness by concentrating on things or experiences we don’t like (Bcstarks). Since I unduly focused on the limitations of meals, I was more attracted to mouth-watering food shows. As a result, even though I was consciously aware of my hunger, it didn’t stop me from envying YouTubers biting into crispycrunchy caramelized Dakgangjeong (Korean Fried Chicken) or imagining myself slurping on creamy, cheesy chicken carbonara. My stomach was growling and snarling like a lion declaring its territory. I, however, chose to ignore it. This decision ultimately ended with depression and insomnia.

According to research by Polaris Teen Center in 2018, 4% of adolescents aged 13 to 18 suffer from various eating disorders such as anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating. Not only do these teens develop a distorted body image, but they also experience body shaming and intense stigma. Furthermore, the same study shows that half of the victims underwent depression. An unhealthy eating diet can cause unstable physiological changes that affect emotional regulation and mood.

Your personality is unique, so is your body. Some have faster metabolisms, some have stronger muscles and some have smaller appetites. Nobody else can tell you your state of hunger or fullness. You are the only one who understands and has full control over your body. So listen to your body and let it guide you. Stephanie Dodier, a clinical nutritionist who hosts the podcast Beyond the Food Show explains how the diet culture negatively impacts our relationships with food. “When you were a baby, you’d cry when you were hungry, and you’d be fed,” Dodier explains. “You knew when you needed to eat.” Eating intuitively is innate in all human beings.

Food shouldn’t make you feel guilty, weight shouldn’t define your self-worth, and your body shouldn’t change who you are. So why can’t we do the same thing we did as kids when we grow up? Because we choose to listen to other voices rather than our own.

Fashion industries consistently prefer thinner models in their advertisements as many designers think clothes look better on them. A flawless illustration is the “one size fits all” approach from Brandy Melville, which mostly sells female size 0 or 2 clothing that doesn’t commit to size diversity. Additionally, some fitness companies wrongly advocate the purpose of exercise. Instead of highlighting the health benefits of physical activity, they portray thin beauty standards. These forms of media improperly justify the “ideal” body image, establishing a false definition of beauty. Thus, diet culture has risen in popularity in recent years. I, myself, dieted because I wanted to be one of those “Brandy girls.”

I AM (WHAT I EAT) ____________________________________________________________ by Thera Sze, Grade 12

Fifteen chips have 100 calories, a Boston Cream donut has 210 calories, and even healthy-sounding foods like avocados have 250 calories each. In order to keep track of my 1,000-calories diet, I mastered calories estimation. I didn’t have to read the labels nor search them up online anymore, but this skill took away my joy. For every single bite, a “friendly notification” would show up in my mind, and remind me: “700 calories remaining.” Anxiety, stress and self-criticism all flooded in at once, as if eating more would cause complete life failure. I didn’t want to cope with that pressure anymore.

Luckily, I’ve recently been introduced to intuitive eating. Two dietitians, Evelyn Tribolle and Elyse Resch, created a self-care eating framework that integrates instinct, emotion and rational thought. I’m learning to honour my hunger and accept the biological and psychological need for food. Another intuitive eating counselor, Michelle Cordeiro, also inspired me to “recognize the voices” of food cravings and “let these thoughts go” before they become uncontrollable. I’ve started to give myself permission to eat and enjoy the “cheat” foods. Instead of starving and tormenting myself with eating vlogs, I genuinely listen to my body’s cues and feed it with the right nutrition. Most importantly, I understand the importance of selflove and try to fill myself with joy and enjoyment.

I feel stronger, healthier and happier, both physically and mentally. I feel like myself.

Are you ready to embark on this journey with me? Don’t let the apparel and fitness industry disconnect you from your appetite signals. Start to appreciate what your body can do, not the things it cannot do. Let it guide you to both fullness and happiness. Next time, when you’re hungry, grab a snack and a smoothie. If you’re full, put down your fork and take a walk. If you feel like having a cheat day, go for it. And enjoy the food. You deserve to eat a cookie. Or a cake. Or even a cookie-dough cake.

Works Cited Bcstarks. “What You Resist, Persists.” Medium, Thrive Global, 2 May 2017, medium.com/thrive-global/ what-you-resist-persists-7bf808f5672c. Centerpolaristeen.com/articles/author/aribrown/, Polaris Teen. “Teen Eating Disorders: Statistics and How to

Help - Polaris Teen Center.” Polaris Teen Center: Premier Adolescent Treatment Center in Los Angeles, 28

Mar. 2019, polaristeen.com/articles/10-statistics-of-teenage-eating-disorders/. Cordeiro, Michelle. “Eating Empowered.” Eating Empowered: Three Steps To Take Today, file:///C:/Users/ tsze21/Downloads/Eating%20Empowered_%20Three%20Steps%20To%20Take%20Today%20(2).pdf. Davis, Adelle. Let’s Eat Right to Keep Fit: Adelle Davis. New American Library, 1970. Dodier , Stephanie. “Intuitive Eating: 8 Evidence-Based Health Benefits.” Stephanie Dodier | Intuitive Eating

Expert, 8 Mar. 2020, www.stephaniedodier.com/intuitive-eating-benefits/. Tribole, Evelyn. “Definition of Intuitive Eating.” Intuitive Eating, 17 July 2019, www.intuitiveeating.org/ definition-of-intuitive-eating/.