Welcome To The Lame Academy - Celebrity DJs Mixmag Cover Feature December 2009

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or most people, getting DJ gigs is down to perseverance: forcing CDs on promoters, putting on your own nights, uploading your mixes to DSI and MySpace, entering competitions, randoming your heroes and doing your utmost to be in the right place at all times. But once you’re in Heat magazine, all that can change.

Whether you’re the brother of someone talented, a ‘star’ of reality TV, an actor, a model or comedian, even if you can barely mix a vodka and Red Bull and have the musical talent of a spoon (wooden, not Dave), somewhere out there is a club night that will book you, and pay you well, to play records.

It’s not a new thing. There is an argument that Boy George was the first celebrity DJ, managing to parlay his fame from another life into DJing superstardom.

But really, pop stars and band members, from

Howard Donald to the Hot Chip DJs, don’t really count – they are, after all, musicians (OK, maybe not Howard). No, the first real celebrity DJ was probably former world super middleweight champion Nigel Benn, someone we doubt even Steven Gerrard and his mates would attempt to challenge for control of the playlist, let alone point out that giving his 1997 ‘UK Speed Garage’ compilation the hopeful addendum ‘Volume 1’ was perhaps a bit optimistic.

Since then celeb DJs have come and gone in all shapes and sizes, from models and heiresses to sporting heroes and the siblings of people with real talent. Some seem to do it for a laugh, others obviously consider it an important part of their revenue stream. Some, like Sam Ronson, seem to exist in a strange middle ground where it’s impossible to work out whether their gossip rag appearances are designed to boost their DJ profile, or the other way round. Most are bloody awful. december 2009 [[2R]]

celebrity dj s

There is a chance that revellers at a Sick On The Dancefloor at London’s SeOne last autumn preferred the housey vibes of former rugby player Martin Offiah to being ‘lifted’ by the Lighthouse Family DJs. But who wouldn’t? The celebrity DJ phenomenon even continues to grow despite the fact that some of its most famous names have decided to jack it in: Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Peaches ‘spawn of’ Geldof seem to have realised that it takes hard work and skill to be a DJ proper, and jumped back off the celebrity DJ bandwagon again. In fact, talk to a real-deal superstar DJ like Paul Oakenfold and he’ll tell you even these international ‘it girls’ have found a far less strenuous way to make their money.

“They can’t compete in our scene, they can’t play in our scene, they don’t have the music, it’s a hard job to do – I realised that straight away and, to be fair, I think they realised that pretty quickly too. And they weren’t ever trying to get on the scene to be taken that seriously,” says Mr Perfecto. “In America it was a trend and it died pretty quickly. It’s all about ‘appearances’ now. It’s unbelievable. They get flown in, paid ten grand, put up in a free hotel and get to bring all their mates just to be in the club and have a party!” Such ‘appearances’ buy clubs truly global publicity and pull in the world’s star-loving punters from far and wide, without the risk that anyone will take the needle off the wrong record.

Yet have no fear – Insanity Artist Agency, the ‘goto’ DJ management company for celebs, has recently added Kelly Osbourne to a bulging roster of names that includes Denise van Outen and Ralf Little.

But then, says Oakenfold, the whole trend has never threatened the health of him or his peers.

“Honestly, you know Bob Geldof’s daughter isn’t going to be playing Gatecrasher on a Saturday night.

There’s a lot of pressure walking in front of 10,000 people or whatever it is. They’re a completely different DJ who would play in a small club for an hour where people aren’t interested in the music.

“they can’t compete in our scene, they don’t have the music” It doesn’t offend me that they jumped on the DJ bandwagon. You’ve got bands that do it. Or look at Deadmau5: he slagged all us DJs off when he came on the scene, and now he DJs. So where do you draw the line?”

Of course, Oakey has already made his reputation – and lots of money. Aspiring DJs, trying to get gigs based solely on their talent and tunes, may be a little more offended at others jumping the queue just because they’ve been on telly. There are, of course, openings for them as ‘stunt jockeys’ – an ‘actual’ DJ paid to do the mixing, shield the decks from Champagne spillages and actually plug in some headphones. All the work with none of the credit.

So with all our transatlantic copy-catting, why do our home grown Z-listers, reality TV dregs and talentless celebrity-siblings still insist on being DJs now it’s scientifically proven to be naff? Maybe it’s because no one’s going to offer Michael Fielding or Alfie Allen ten grand to come and linger in their club like a post-kebab fart. But promoters across the country will pay a thousand or two to get these guys on the roster of their clubnights – knowing that enough people will pay £8 a pop in advance for a

ticket – and perhaps that says it all. As Oakenfold points out, “let’s face it, people go to a place where they might see some stars” – however dimly they twinkle. One thing our society is good at coming up regularly with is vacuous, empty fame – who can really blame those in its maw for trying to cash in?

After all, many of these celebrity jocks serve an important purpose (besides giving us a good laugh): reminding clubbers that, actually, DJing does require a degree of skill and practice. Even with Ableton.

So the next time your local resident goes down a minimal cul de sac or tells you to fuck off when you ask for a birthday request, count your blessings.

Daisy Lowe

Daisy Lowe: more than just deck-dressing?

celebrity dj s

s J D y t i r Celeb to tested ction destru esana man, Ellie Piov Words Phil Dud

celebrity images PA PHOTOS, REX. equipment Korg KM402 mixer £299, Vestax CM01 turntables, £399 each (both courtesy www.htfr.com)

Over the last few months our spies have been scouring the nation’s nitespots for celebrity DJs, grading them on their tune selection, mixing, even their star quality (let’s call it their ‘X factor’). We’ve sorted out the celebrity DJ duds from the surprisingly, erm, alright. So go on, slebs, entertain us!

Daisy Lowe

Alfie Allen

Love child of ex-singer Pearl Lowe and Bush frontman Gavin Rossdale, Daisy Lowe grew up to be a 5’ 10” sex kitten. A regular on the London party circuit, the 20-year-old has modelled for everyone from Topshop to Chanel. To us, she is probably best known for dating Mark Ronson and being photographed wearing nipple tassels.

Venue Automat, Central London Length of gig 1½ hrs Genre/Style Pop and rock party fodder Tune Selection When Daisy opened with Prodigy’s ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, she showed she meant business. She blended The Cardigans’ ‘Losing My Favourite Game’ and The Cure’s classic ‘Love Cats’ into Prince’s ‘When Doves Cry’, and a bouncy bit of Britney and Beyoncé. 5/10 Mixing Not too technical but surprisingly clean 6/10 Crowd response Daisy’s tunes were a big hit. The dancefloor was the liveliest it had been all night. 7/10 X Factor She might strut down catwalks for a living, but coming from a musical background has clearly rubbed off on Daisy. She knows what she likes and how to work a fashionable crowd. 7/10 Overall An ear for a crowd-pleaser and the only entry in our poll who makes headphones look like the latest Karl Lagerfeld accessory. 6/10

The 22-year-old brattish younger brother of Lily, immortalised in her 2006 song ‘Alfie’. Making moves on the acting circuit, Alfie already has a number of film and TV appearances under his belt and dates actress/model Jaime Winstone.

Venue Instigator Party fundraiser for Great Ormond Street Hospital @ The Wyndham Hotel, London Length of gig About an hour Genre/style Usual chart and classics combo, house anthems and a token blast of dubby garage Tune selection Crowd-pleasers such as ‘Hey Boy Hey Girl’, ‘Good Life’, ‘Day & Night’ and ‘Show Me Love’. Even a bit of Chase & Status at one point! 7/10 Mixing Difficult to say. Mixes were either super smooth and perfectly beatmatched or basic crossfades. The large guy with him by the decks the whole time – possibly his stunt jockey – may have had something to do with this. Also his security/body guard (who looked like Frank from Shameless), made it hard to get close to the well-hidden turntables. 3/10 Crowd response Within about four tracks Alfie had thinned the 150 or so wannabe WAGs, camp stylists, untucked estate agents and peak-capped bling raiders present down to about 30. 3/10 X factor Announced with a showbiz shout-out, he was deemed important enough to require Frank as a bodyguard. He also swaggered a lot and regularly left the decks to wander off, somehow mixing his tunes using ‘the force’. Beyond this, only his innate sense of self importance and acting like a total berk whilst talking about ‘being in the game’ to the hotel bell hop made him stand out from the crowd. And reality. 2/10 Overall Playing average tunes to people who would not recognise a dodgy mix if it slapped them in the face and stole their jewellery, he was perfect.

Like Pixie Geldof, Alfie Allen is typical fame offspring playing second fiddle to a more famous older sister – and making easy money out of it. 4/10

Alfie: never seen a set of CDJs before?

Chris Fountain

On the run for a crime he didn’t commit, Hollyoaks fans might be surprised to hear Justin Burton (aka actor Chris Fountain, 21) has surfaced in Ibiza. Turns out the reformed badChris boy most famous for Fountain getting his teacher knocked up then locked up has (in real life) been DJing for two years. So, Chester Police, if you’re still bothering to look, try San An. Venue Boho, San Antonio Length of gig 2 hrs Genre/Style Urban house Tune Selection Mark Knight & Funkagenda ‘Man With The Red Face’ was a surprising highlight, but failed to rescue us from horrors including ‘Migraine Skank’ by Gracious K and ‘Roll It’ by Shontelle. 5/10 Mixing Veered from average to clumsy 3/10 Crowd response It was early so the club was only just filling up, but when he dropped Solo Music ‘Fade’ at least two people broke out into song. 4/10 X Factor Fountain couldn’t keep his hand off the fader and managed to knock out the sound completely – twice. However, when a camera was pointed in his face, his acting experience meant he could at least pretend to look the part. 4/10 Overall Just a pretty, semi-famous face. A case of what he can do for the club over what he can do for the dancefloor. 4/10

Michael Fielding 27-year-old comedian now known for playing Naboo the Enigma, a freelance shaman, alongside brother Noel in The Mighty Boosh; currently rumoured to be working on a new pilot show with writing partner Peter Kyriacou. However, at 5”1’ he is banned from most of the rollercoasters at Chessington.

Michael Fielding: cross fader crash course

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celebrity dj s

Mat Horne: needs to keep it up for longer

Mat Horne The 30-year-old comic actor of Gavin And Stacey fame and star of recent comedy flop Lesbian Vampire Killers written by partner in crime James ‘Smithy’ Corden. Both also joined Kylie in co-hosting the 2009 Brits, suggesting these guys are suburbia’s answer to Ant and Dec, and could well prove just as funny.

Venue Club XFM @ 333 Club, Shoreditch Length of gig Half an hour Genre/style Indie rock with splatterings of electro Tune selection A decent selection of different tempos, with treats to the beat of ‘Helicopter’ by Bloc Party and ‘Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)’ from Arcade Fire, but it’s over before it’s begun. 6/10 Mixing Knows his tunes. Sharp drops on the beat, and head down in the mix – about as good as it gets for most indie jocks. 7/10 Crowd response The usual mixture of Shoreditch

indie types who had surprisingly refused to kick off for great Leicester live act The Minnaars, but do start to shimmy at Mat’s set and even beyond when it goes (shock horror) a bit hip hop! 5/10 X factor Not much bar a healthy list of rock group friends and the odd camp comedy gesture after a shout-out from the band. He’s chilled offstage, chatty and dancing, but may well have written his own name in the perma-flooded toilet.

Mat. With one ‘t’. 5/10 Overall A decent selector with an obvious passion for his music and the bands he’s exposing through his limelight. Longer gigs might prove a challenge, but he has the potential to out-mix many of his generic indie contemporaries. 6/10

Kate Lawler Kate Lawler: championship jockey?

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The 28-year-old first female winner of Big Brother in 2002 and subsequent TV presenter, Love Island contestant, Ann Summers model, radio presenter, gossip columnist and disc jockey with a recent residency at Sankeys oop north.

Venue Bar Room @ The Gallery, Ministry Of Sound Length of gig 2 hrs Genre/style Tech house Tune selection No-nonsense ‘steady as she goes’ beeps and bleeps. But no excitement either with few peaks and troughs, or indeed anything that resembles a risk. 6/10 Mixing Despite missing a golden opportunity to announce herself with a killer drop, Kate’s technique proves she can mix and beat match like a real DJ. In fact, she is a real DJ. The lack of showmanship and musical ammo, however, leaves plenty of room to improve. 8/10 Crowd response Very little change from the set before, but she holds the mixed crowd in their early 20s. It stays that way throughout. No more. No less.

And no magic numbers. 6/10 X factor Beyond a friendly chat with a fan as she picks her tracks, and shamelessly donning black fingerless driving gloves, any expectant sense of Kate as a celebrity seems stunted in her DJ guise and all rather constrained. Shame. A tantrum would’ve really livened things up. 2/10 Overall In a Sunday league of celeb-jockeys, Lawler has the potential to reach the Championship of real-deal DJs. Yet in her effort to be taken seriously she maybe represses the flair, confidence and personality that would see her rise up the tables.

Driving gloves or driving basslines? Decisions, decisions… 7/10 www.mixmag.net

celebrity images PA PHOTOS, REX lina wears Dress, £22, Primark (0118 9606 300), Black bangles, Stylist’s own, Large silver bangle, £10, Warehouse (0870 122 8813), Bag, £7, Primark, as before, Shoes Stylist’s own.Fashion Assistant Elle Noble Hair and Makeup sharon willmore using Chanel A/W 2009 Model Lina O’Connor @ Nevs

Venue: Remix Club Hitchin, Hertfordshire Length of gig 90 minutes Genre/style An extremely predictable range of indie and dance hits Tune selection Kicks off with the Kaiser Chief’s ‘Every Day I Love You Less And Less’ before a bit of Blondie, a desperate ‘We Are Your Friends’ and another half-dozen tracks from The Gossip, MGMT and Peter, Bjorn & John that were played by the club’s resident jock not half an hour before. 3/10 Mixing Hmmm. Not mixing so to speak, rather a cross-fader crash course in how to identify a mixer, ask for help, still push the wrong buttons and guarantee an uncomfortable silence every three tracks. Cue shrugging shoulders and ‘it wasn’t me’ hand gesture. 0/10 Crowd response In a cool venue perfectly suited to NME-esque bands and genre-crossing DJs, a colourful mix of long haired Boosh students, Reebok Classics wearers and bare-chested Ronnie Woodalikes had created quite a booze-jolly atmosphere, which Fielding promptly cut through like a knife – clearing the floor in the process. 2/10 X factor With 200 advance tickets sold on his name, Fielding arrives, hyped up by a series of “Naboo is in the building!” countdowns, to a flurry of celeb-whooping expectation. However, failing to deliver anything theatrically Boosh-like and almost totally concealed by the deck stand, we soon realise this is just a small man who can’t mix. 3/10 Overall Indie DJing is a fuel-guzzling onslaught.

It’s booze music. You have to keep whacking on the wood to keep the fire burning and your crowd drinking and dancing. Michael Fielding got paid a grand to piss on the flames. Outrageous. 2/10