The Big WELCOME Cafe

SWADLINCOTE ASPERGER’S SOCIETY PRESENTS

THE BIG WELCOME CAFE

The Big Welcome CafE

Acknowledgments The Big WELCOME Cafe would like to thank to all of the artists who ran workshops during the project and for supporting the group in the development of material for the book; photographer Christopher Mear, graffiti artist Todd Wood, filmmaker Adam Robertson, dancer Miriam Keye, basketmaker Eddie Glew, visual artists Julia Webster and Jen Johnson, illustrator Sally Jane Thompson and printmaker Caroline Bennett.

We would like to give special thanks to writer Kevin Fegan, for helping the group to produce their own writings, creating such beautiful interviews with group members and for his support during the editing process.

Thank you to Kevin Ryan at Charnwood Arts for your support and advice on the layout of the book.

The Big WELCOME Cafe would like to thank Project Co-ordinator, Kalila Storey and everyone at People Express for their support and development of the project and for the lovely cakes!

Thank you to Matthew Kel for his wonderful design work on the book.

We would also like to thank Graham Rodgers for all of his hard work during the editing and design process.

THE BIG WELCOME CAFE

A book by the Swadlincote Aspergers Society First published in 2015 by People Express

People Express The Old Pressing Shop Sharpe’s Pottery Heritage and Arts Centre West Street, Swadlincote, Derbyshire. DE11 9DG Tel: 01283 552962 Email: kalila.storey@people-express.org.uk Website: www.people-express.org.uk

Registered Charity: 1158735 The Big WELCOME Cafe project was financially supported by:

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the permission in writing from the publisher.

Book designed by Matthew Kel: www.matthewkel.co.uk Printed by Reynolds Press

Contents Introduction The Forest - Hollie Burke The Day I Swap My Life Drunk in Wonderland Under the Veil Luna Notes from a bad day The Forest - Jez Francis I’m Not Being Rude Mystical Spiritual Pebbles Thought Bubble App Subsistence Now I’m No Surrender-Monkey Fashion App The Forest - Kieran Peters The ‘G’ is Silent Welcome to the Circus Animals My day in the Zoo Butterwhy?

We’re Having Worms for Dinner The Skip 21st Century Girl

5 6 8 9 10 12 14 18 22 25 26 28 29 30 34 37 38 42 46 46 47 50 52 54

Introduction More fortunate people say, “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build the door.” It’s only during the past couple of years I can now quote from experience.

This book came about with the founding of the Swadlincote Asperger’s Society (or S.A.S. for short), a group of committed adults on the Autism spectrum.

From the very beginning People Express have supported our goals, showing us how to apply for funding for our first project together.

For the past year “The Big WELCOME Café” has held regular meeting of art therapy workshops for people who would not otherwise have access to such activity.

With each piece in these pages, I have seen members draw on their experiences (the good, the bad, and the ugly) to bring to light what it is to be a vulnerable adult, which to us is anyone in a position where they might be taken advantage of by those who supposedly know better.

Your Lottery money has made a friendly supportive environment for the misunderstood possible, and has given us the chance to tell our side of the story.

Graham Rodgers

Co-founder Swadlincote Asperger’s Society

5

The Forest

Hollie Burke

I am walking through this forest on a footpath. There are lots of trees, different types such as Birch and Oak and there is a lot of shrubbery.

I walk a bit further and eventually sit on a bench next to a small lagoon and watch a dragonfly hover quite low on the water. There are also some male Damsel Flies trying to mate with one female but they drown her.

After a rest I walk a bit more and come across a cave, it looked fairly big so I went inside to look. It starts to get dark and I put on a torch. When I turn it on I see pictures of cave art showing animals and humans being hunted by something. I hear a noise from within the cave and I feel spooked so I run out. When I get out of the cave it is raining. I eventually stop and put on my raincoat.

6

Photography : Kieran Peters

7

The Day I Swap my Life

Jessica Ann Murphy

Talk to animals. Was so funny. One little dog tell me he would love to be a people. So I swap life with him.

Day 1: We were walking and we see something. And I run over and that’s where I become a dog.

Day 2: I was taking the dog for a wee and he looked at me and said “You this be a people so true”.

Day 3: He was going to work and I was left sleeping all day and playing with my toy, then he came back from work and we go for a run.

Day 4: We went back to what we were. It was lively. The day was so funny.

8

‘Drunk in Wonderland’ : Graham Rodgers

9

Katie Atkinson

UNDER THE VEIL

I love dancing, especially tribal belly-dancing. I love the gypsy skirts. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve wanted to dance. I have to learn to relax and it helps me relax. It helps with breathing, posture and team work. Mum found the group. Mum and her boyfriend take me and they go for a drink while I’m dancing. I’ve been doing it for about four years, since I was 22. I performed in 2010 and I’d like to do more. I saw a male belly-dancer once on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’. I’ve also done ballroom dancing.

I used to live in Willington. My parents are divorced, I live with mum. Dad isn’t supportive. I’m the eldest: I have a brother, age 25, and a sister, age 21 - she’s very slim. We get in each other’s way sometimes. I’m an independent woman with my own thoughts. I’d like to live independently. Like most girls, I have a wedding dream. Sometimes I get ill with anxiety and O.C.D. Me and mum deal with our relationship at Relate. I try to manage my own money but I’m a bit of a spendaholic. I like attractive, pretty things. I was diagnosed with Autism at 4 years old. I find it hard to read emotions. I have problems with men sometimes. They get the wrong idea because I’m friendly and I’ll talk to anyone. I try not to talk about personal things but men can take advantage. Now I try not to talk to strangers and take my mobile everywhere. It wasn’t easy at school. I like to have things my way.

10

Photography : Graham Rodgers

“I can perform but I can’t act - it’s hard for me to pretend to be someone else.”

I remember when I was a girl I chased after a boy and kissed him. I have to have things now, I can’t wait. I can be possessive over certain things - this is mine, you mustn’t touch. But I have learned to share. I have a mind of my own. Sometimes it’s hard for me to make eye-contact with people. I feel nervous and enclosed. I look away because I’m thinking about things. I drift off into a dream, imagining things.

I like reading, writing and drawing. I imagine being in my own story. I can perform but I can’t act - it’s hard for me to pretend to be someone else. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I choreograph dances now. It’s all about structure. Co-ordination is very important. I’m good with my hands and expressive. I am artistic. I have ‘A’ Level Spanish, I’m a fluent speaker. My grandparents have retired in Spain and we go there. I like Flamenco.

Everything about a girl with autism is different. I’m individual and I have unusual tastes. I feel like I’m struggling a little today with depression and low self-esteem.

Pleasing people can be very hard and I’m hard on myself. I have high expectations.

I’m more truthful than honest. I’m sensitive to feelings and touch. I don’t like noise or crowds or feeling trapped in a confined space. I need to feel free to come and go as I please. I find relationships difficult. I talk a lot, often to myself in the third person - “Katy, you’ve been a bad person today.” People think highly of me, but it’s hard to figure out how to help others. I like to be a person open to options. I know things about life, I know myself quite well now. I’m cheerful and bright. I’m fascinated to see what people are doing or wearing. I like people-watching. I have a sense of style. I like to look at nature and programmes like ‘Springwatch’ on TV. I’d never hurt creatures. I don’t like sad or sloppy films.

I volunteer at a cafe. I enjoy it. Without volunteers, we’d be lost in this world. They keep the world going. I’ve no idea where I’ll be in the future. I try to spend my time in the present, although past times can come back to haunt me.

Photography : Graham Rodgers

11

LUNA

Katie Atkinson

My rabbit Luna plays in the garden in her run.

She likes to scratch about and hop I liked it when Luna, (Latin for moon), put her paws on my back today through her run She’s quite nosy and funny My rabbit is like a princess It will be her birthday soon Cats are not welcome in my garden because of my rabbit She is like the moon, magical and special Sometimes you don’t always understand her She follows you about and likes the attention That’s why her name is Luna

12

Encaustic : Katie Atkinson

Photography : Jez Francis

13

Notes FRom A BAD DAY

I am a very abrupt, disturbed and frustrated person. I used to be so nice. I feel I have not achieved anything. I am knocked back. Everyone is fed up of me, even my mum. I haven’t even been to work. There is nothing I want more than to get better. There is nothing I want to do right now. I had a dream job to be a dancer at weekends. But I am just a shambles. Every year gets worse. It is a nightmare.

Trying to be the best you can be against the elements that always take you by surprise. In my photos you can say I have a nice smile, but smiles only hide things.

My eyes have seen things only I can understand. My mouth talks of things the less patient can’t understand. Not even my own head can understand myself sometimes.

I see only the world around me, never from somebody else’s view, then again I wouldn’t want to. It’s near impossible to see my value in the great scheme of things, especially to other people in my life. Anyone can say “I like you” honest or not. Proof is never physical. You possess things only other people can see, and love. If a butterfly can’t see its own wings, would it think it was just a pest?

14

Photography : Marcus Mason

15

16

Encaustic : Katie Atkinson

Illustration : Jez Francis

17

The Forest

Jez Francis

I am in an old, old pine forest, the dappled light lifts the gloom with golden rays of sun, the air is still and has a earthy pine smell that I find quite delicious. The ground has layer upon layer of pine needles that have a spongy feel as I walk through the patches of early morning mist… but it is so beautifully quiet and peaceful I could weep with joy as I wonder in this patch of tranquility. I then notice an ant hill teaming with wood ants busying themselves, foraging, collecting and tidying the woodland floor. The more I look the more I see and the Forest comes alive to me with butterflies and fungi, with the odd swamp-donkey.

All of a sudden a large shadowy creature emerges from behind a tree, its glowing eyes put the fear in me! It just stands there quiet and motionless, then turns and walks away. Could it be?? Have I seen a Yeti?! Or is it a sasquatch maybe?? I decide to follow the creature through the gradually thickening undergrowth, then the trail leads to a sunlit clearing in the trees where there is a huge formation of boulders which are pockmarked with caves. The creature looks back at me and disappears into one of the caves.

I nervously approach the mouth of the cave that is roughly my height and width, reminiscent of a doorway. I enter with trepidation.

The walls of the cave are covered in a luminous green and with small glowing mushrooms. The Beast seems to be comfortable with us following as if it wants to show me its world. After a long walk of switch back tunnels, we emerge at the back of a waterfall. I go and have a look, the beauty seemingly waiting for me, and I walk through the cold blast of water into a quarry- like landscape, with sleep reddish and yellow rock and a turquoise lagoon at the bottom. It’s lovely! I then swim across the lagoon to an opening and the far end, there is a stream running out of it in a dusty rocky bed that winds its way down to a massive expanse of savanna grassland reaching to the far horizon. I notice as I walk through the grass there are wild horses to my left eating grass and four camels too! I look back from whence I came and then forested mountain looks like an island in a sea of grass. The realisation dawns on me that I have to capture one of the horses, or a camel. The beast man knows what and it tells me, leading a camel with a plaited reed rope to me, then it lifts me on it and runs to the east, then I’m off!

18

Encaustic : Jez Francis

19

20

Illustration : Jez Francis

Photography : Hollie Burke

21

KIERAN PETERS

I’M NOT BEING RUDE

I’m originally from Blackheath in Dudley.

I still have the accent. I’ve been in residential care since 2007, this is my second place. It’s a nightmare where I live. Two of the residents have severe autism, they get very agitated. I don’t like the screaming. I didn’t sleep last night and I was up early because it’s a mad house. And I have a form of diabetes and the hormone replacement meds make me drowsy.

My childhood was great, I liked our area. But I developed a brain tumour at 16. I was in hospital in London for a long time. I’m 25 now.

I had a choice where to move to after my operations: I chose Burton, not really knowing what it was like. It’s limited, like all small towns; but I’ve made some good friends and the countryside is lovely.

But I’d like to have my own place.

I have a step-sister in the States and a sister with a family in the Walsall area. Mum passed away - alcohol - but dad I see every two weeks. I’d lose my marbles if I didn’t see him. He’s always been there for us.

I used to do voluntary work when I lived in Brum. There’s a photo of me with a big cheque. I still do voluntary work - on Mondays - in Horniglow. I help with computers. I’d like to learn web design. On Tuesdays, I’m in Swad at the learning centre. Wednesdays I’m at People Express, I love S.A.S. and all the workshops.

22

On Thursdays I’m at Bank House, which is a late night. And at the weekends, if I’m not seeing dad, I like car boot sales. I make beading and jewellery, it calms me down. I sell them at craft fairs and car boots. I’ve had a member of staff ask me to repair her rosary beads. My room is full of stuff.

I’m sorry I can’t keep my eyes open, I have to take my meds at certain times of the day. I’m not being rude.

Photography : Hollie Burke

Photography : Hollie Burke

23

24

Encaustic : Isabel Boss

Mystical Spiritual

Kieran Peters

Order no chaos From the top of the ladder Creatures under ground Buffalos around the water hole Parrots nodding their heads Howling at the moon The wolf does best A Serval is like a large house cat Patrolling his habitat They all live

Encaustic : Katie Atkinson

25

Pebbles

Isabel Boss

Canis Familiaris, mutt, pooch, D.O.G, man’s and woman’s best friend. It’s a wolf’s cousin, coyotes, foxes (white, red, long eared etc) My little doggy’s called Pebbles, she’s a rescue. She’s had a happy life. She could scrounge for England. Our bed is her bed. She snuggles up to my husband. She even goes under the covers!!!!

Walking is my hobby, especially in the woods. All dogs like sniffing, mine is no exception.

Wet grass is attractive to dogs, they leave little scent marks for each other. She likes walls that have been visited by other canines. When it is her dinner time she barks, it irritates me!!!! She barks when she wants to steal the cat’s food. Pebbles is a character from the Flintstones.

26

Illustration : Isabel Boss

27

Thought Bubble App

28

Graham Rodgers

Subsistence Now Graham Rodgers

“You don’t have much to be proud of, especially when your true nature of existence has only just begun…”

My life with Asperger’s didn’t begin at birth. It began at a much more tender age: approaching twenty. That time of life when you’re supposed to be out with friends, whether it’s at work, a higher education establishment, or where they serve alcohol. I first found out about this condition during the most unsurpassed time of my life, within the good company of people that made you feel cherished, and just when you were starting to feel normal, something materialises and pulls the tablecloth supporting every fragile thing you ever believed in. My life with my condition was born from heartbreak.

Still, I’m coming to terms with having a lifelong condition. How did it go unrecognised for so long I often wonder? You never made eye contact, but people assumed you’re shy. You possessed specialist knowledge, but what buff doesn’t? You keep to the time and to a routine, but appear punctual and organised. For many years I passed as human. Now I can’t even talk to strangers in blissful ignorance of my social flaws; my use of “posh” words, the spontaneous small talk, keeping a conversation rolling, and yet when it already is, when to join in. It haunts you.

However, when you lack in some areas, you make up another. My determination and my trustworthiness are valued in my workplace- virtues abused by others. I also have a creative streak, for drawing, and now it’s writing; which helps me find answers to my musings. But there’s no place for those skills in my workplace: a harsh reminder that my future was never in my hands. I certainly never expected any of this to happen when I completed school. You don’t have much to be proud of, especially when your true nature of existence has only just begun…

29

Jez Francis

I’M NO SURRENDER-MONKEY

I watched a programme about the coffee companies and modern slavery so I don’t buy it unless it’s Free Trade. I applied for a job at Nestle once, but I didn’t get it, even though my step-dad used to work there. I think they investigate your background. I’m a member of the Green Party and I was a member of Greenpeace. I’m glad I didn’t get the job, I’m no android. I’m a Green Socialist, definitely not New Labour. Politics is part of life. If you don’t vote, you can’t expect change.

My name’s Jeremy, I went to private school as a kid at Farnborough Prep. I was lefthanded and they cracked me at school until I wrote with my right hand. Dad was an Officer in the Para’s and mum was from a middle-class background. People used to ask me where I was from and I’d say “Germany” because of our army life. At secondary school they put me in a lower group because they thought I was lazy but I am severely dyslexic.

My Grandad knew - he was a Head Teacher. In Nottingham, I still passed most exams, except for English Lit - I didn’t like the boring books we had to read; I just drew around my hand in the exam. I love reading now, although it still takes me a while. I have bookcases full of them! My parents split up in 1977, when I was 6. When dad left, we went to live on a rough council estate in Nottingham. I got to know dad again in 1985. He had become a pilot. I got an apprenticeship for a while as an aircraft mechanic; but I went back home.

Dad didn’t speak to me for years afterwards.

My step-dad was cruel, I could have killed him at one time; but I suppose he had his own issues. I talk to him now. I joined the army when I was 18. I think I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was wild on occasions with the drink and substance abuse. I had a motorbike crash in 1995, broke my neck; it’s a miracle I wasn’t paralysed. I’ve dealt with my anger now, but it’s taken a long time. My criminal record is spent. Aggression and anger, who am I fighting against? I’ve had to forgive people. I suppose I’ve sort of grown up, finally, at 44.

30

Photography : Kalila Storey

I’ve been married twice. I have a son: a lovely lad, age 6. I really miss him. My dad was always “Captain Fantastic”, but he was cruel. Ex public school, no emotions or guilt. I’m not like that with my son. I have empathy for people. I’ve gone from money jobs to homeless. You have to force yourself to deal with it. It’s all relative. My life has been harsh, but nothing compared to some people, like some of those in Syria, for example.

I went to Portland College, near Mansfield, in 2012 to study Horticulture. I wish I’d done Computing, but I loved it there. It was a safe environment for vulnerable adults, people like me with mental health issues. I have abandonment issues, depression and anxiety. I got back into art work there, it’s important in my life, an escape. I love using pastels. I had a big romance at Portland for four months, but she broke my heart.

I relate to all disabilities, physical and mental. Bank House has been a life saver for me. I’ve met some good friends. Katie’s a bit like a daughter to me. I have done voluntary work at Shoutout and People Express have offered me bits of work.

That really helps with feelings of self-worth, but ‘cause of the “benefits trap” I’m better off on the sick to pay my rent. I really like to work. I like to feel useful and wanted. I like S.A.S. because I know how the Aspergers’ mind works. I love sports: I’ve got my Sports Leader Coach Level 2 training. I love walking and cycling. An ex army guy at Bank House got me motivated again to ride my bike. I like cycling the seven miles from Gresley Woodland to Measham. I learned sailing last year with Shout Out. I work with P3, the homeless charity, as a Walk-Leader. I love showing people how to forage for free food: cherry picking, strawberries and raspberries, wild garlic. When my benefits stopped with my last wife, I had to forage for food on the beaches. I know how to be self-sufficient. I don’t consciously “give back”, I just do it. I love encouraging people who are willing to try, able-bodied or not. I love it in Swad, it’s friendly, your minutes from the countryside and I have a support network. Swad seems like a proper community, how people should live.

I have a dream of carers and clients living in a commune together. I truly feel at home here, for the first time. I still have the odd blow-outs, but I don’t give up. I’m no surrender-monkey.

Photography : Jez Francis

31

Painting : Jez francis

32

Printmaking : Hollie Burke

33

Fashion App

Marcus Mason

For many years now I’ve struggled, it took me ages to decide what to wear in the mornings. So much so, I get up an hour earlier than needed, and this included me blinking hair. But now I’ve downloaded this brand new app (FAPP). Simple.

You take a photo with your mobile every morning dressed. From day one it properly activates the FAPP. It then remembers up to six months of photos, dates and what the weather report is that day . And from day one it searches depending on age, sex, salary, body weight, high street fashion, and where you live. It gives suggestions in a polite way or you can increase the honesty level LOL. I’ve used this app, FAPP, for just over two months. I get out the house quicker and have half an hour more sleep. But I’ve maxed me bloody credit card. But I would recommend it to a sensible spending person.

34

Photography : Kieran Peters

35

36

Photography : Kalila Storey

The Forest

Keiran Peters

I’m in this forest and it’s quite big but it is only a few minutes walk from the town.

You wouldn’t be able to tell unless you either knew or walked around it (outside).

Some of the leaves have fallen onto the ground, but the ground is still muddy.

These woods are good for playing games such as AckyTracky where you have a home base and you have to get to it before the defender gets you, says the words “AckyTracky 1, 2, 3” and gets to the home base before you and repeats it again to get you out. So it’s fairly dark but not too dark. It’s full of big trees with lots of both small and large branches fallen off the tree.

While playing, my friend and myself come across a creature unknown to us, so we steadily slowly walked back to this thing, but it’s gone. We start to worry as we all look around and behind ourselves wondering where and what this thing is.

As we carefully start to make our way out of the forest, we suddenly realise this thing is next to us, appearing from nowhere. We all start to run and after what feels like an eternity, I stop and realise I am on my own, then I catch my breath and start to run again.

I run worrying where everyone is. Before I realise I’ve been stopped in my tracks as I have fallen down this hole where I notice my friends are. We start to look around this tunnel until we see some light. As we head towards it we realise we are not in a tunnel but a huge man made cave with drawings on the wall. As we walk up to the wall and look at the images, I unexpectedly feel a splash on my head, as I look up I see water dripping from the top of the cave. We all get a rock and hit it repeatedly. The wall falls in and as we walk over all the rubble we notice in front of us is like no place we’ve seen, as if we have been transported an ultimate reality where life ‘as we know it’ has changed and developed. There is no pain, no poverty, everyone is happy and amazing. We walk on and notice we are back at the start, where we began, as we all split up as we go home we each tell our families about it.

The next day we meet up and go to show our family members but the forest has gone.

Encaustic : Kieran Peters

37

graham rodgers

THE ‘G’ IS SILENT

Some people call me “Mr Gray” (from my first name “Graham”) because of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” not that I’m complaining! My last name “Rodgers” is the Scottish version. My Dad’s Scottish, and my Mum’s local. I used to get annoyed when people spelt it wrong, but now when they write it down I just growl “The ‘D’ is silent,” a popular quote from Quentin Tarantino’s “Django Unchained.” I love going to the cinema, sitting in the dark, it’s an escape. Sometimes I’ll go on my own if others can’t handle it.

I’m 30 now and I live at home with my parents. It’s okay most of the time and my stuff is there. I know my parents won’t be around forever, but I don’t like sudden change - like when my computer breaks down. I’d hate to move away ‘cause I’d have to start all over again; the worst things would be depression, anxiety, and isolation.

My sister works at the airport, she works pretty unsocial hours. I work part-time. I’ve been made fun of because of it before, but I’m lucky to have a job and to hold it down for as long as I have.

I enjoy watching ‘Doctor Who’. I go to a yearly convention and the cinema screenings. I like the old-fashioned nature of right and wrong, good vs. evil. David Tennant is my favourite; he showed even an alien has feelings and can feel isolated. I also like ‘Family Guy’ – it’s funny because they comment on things other people dare not say.

I was bullied at school, but everyone is who is different. I used to retreat into the library.

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s at 20, after I had a nervous breakdown in my last year of college. I was studying performing arts. I learnt about egos and sociopathic people the hard way. After that I did a personal development course with The Prince’s Trust - a charity for young people who have not had much luck in life. They encouraged my creativity; I painted a mural for the team – and wrote an article called “Welcome to the Circus” (Page 42). It was published in quite a few newsletters.

38

Photography : Katie Atkinson

From that I volunteered for Project WIRED at the Brewhouse Arts Centre, making short films, and now I’ve found People Express who do the same kind of things.

I’m really proud of founding a charitable group, as it raises awareness for adults with additional needs. I’m in charge of lottery funding for the project. I feel it allows me to be more of a businessman.

There are stereotypes of people with my condition; like the “savants” you get in novels like ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time’. He’s good at maths - I’m bad with maths. I suppose I am “high functioning”, that’s accurate. I refer to it as my “condition,” as it is not an “illness” or “disability.” I prefer the term “vulnerable adult” as it shows the problem is with society and not the person. We’re like walking acid-tests for people - if they mistreat us, it’s them, not us, it reflects on.

There are positive things about being an “Aspie”; I’m committed and determined, I like solving problems, I can think outside the box and I’m honest. I have had to learn not to be honest to the point of hurtfulness. I want to be like everyone else but you have to embrace your differences to let it empower you. The negative things are; being mistaken for weak, being seen as weird, being misunderstood and having to be wary of people taking advantage. We all get anxious around people; you have to face it head on.

The art of storytelling is therapeutic for me as it’s taught me how to empathize with others; it’s helped me overcome my condition. I write mostly fiction now. As a child I used to make books. I’ve always loved writing. I go to book festivals and take part in workshops with published authors. I’m also a member of a writing circle. I have ambitions as a writer and publisher. I like spectacle and suspense in my stories. I like genre writing like adventure stories - I have a visual mind.

I haven’t ruled out being a father or other things people take for granted, but happiness has to come first. I know I don’t need a glamorous life to be happy.

The day I have to go to work in a fancy suit into a high up glass office is the day I throw myself out of the window! I am happy. It’s a nice day, I’m out and about and I have plans for the next few months. The best things now are; meeting and working with new people, supporting the community, and having way more opportunities than when I was younger. Life is full of surprises. Thinking about the distant future, or the past, only depresses you, my concern is with the present.

Photography : Caroline Bennett

39

40

Photography : Jez Francis

Illustration : Jez Francis

41

WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS Graham Rodgers

It was 1st November, my 21st. My team leader had invited me upstairs to what was going to be the exam room. He pointed out a wall in the top righthand corner of the room. He said he wanted me to paint some kind of mural on the wall. He wanted caricatures of all the team members on the wall in some kind of theme. I was a bit astounded when he asked me to do it, as I’d never done anything that big before. I spent the rest of the day laying down the carpet tiles for the main room, all the time thinking of my wall. Oh yeah, and my birthday. I spent the rest of the early mornings at the team room sketching ideas for my wall. In the beginning, my team-mates were very picky about how many of each gender was in a small group, so I picked the boy-girl scheme, even though there are more guys then girls.

I’m not very good at recalling faces, so I asked for a CD of the team photos. I spent the whole weekend trying to capture everyone’s face just right.

So far, I’d kept my pictures secret.

42

Monday back, the last week of the project. I was eager to get my wall started. I had my drawings, small paint pots, and a couple of erasers, paint tray, different size brushes, and a couple of thick pencils. I came in, put my stuff upstairs ready to use, and did I start it? No. A week left, Thursday being a half day, and the brushes were still looking brand new. They wanted me to still be working on the waterproof locker room, which should’ve been done last week, but someone painted the lockers the wrong colour. So I spent the whole day painting the little gaps when I could’ve been working on my wall. To make matters worse, in the afternoon I was helping to stir a large batch of yellow paint, which was so large it sprang a leak.

I went to look for a new container, and got some yellow paint from my boots onto the beloved new carpet tiles! Luckily, the paint came right off, but I was left very upset. They thought it was because I got paint on the carpet tiles. It wasn’t. It was because I went through the whole day without touching my wall, which I didn’t know how long it would take, and all I made was a mess.

I don’t like being held back. I’ve been held back my whole life. They said I was a “little slow”. Its one thing to have a condition, but it’s another not to have that condition recognized until fairly recently, and then realize the first twenty years of your life were just a farce. No wonder I get so mad. You might not think it, but I’m the angriest person I know. I always feel the burning of rage inside me, but with my condition, I tend to bottle it up, and that just makes it worse. You think I like having the Incredible Hulk inside me? I always hulk out at the closest character. I know it’s not the right thing to do, but being around humorous, noisy, domineering, and sometimes even caring people does that to me. I don’t know why I lash out at the people who care. I guess I can’t tell the difference between someone who truly cares, and someone who’s holding me back. I spent the whole of that night going over this in my head. I was going to talk to my team leader about it, but the second I arrived next morning they said I could start. That’s one chance to voice my feelings out the window.

‘I DON’T LIKE BEING HELD BACK. I’VE BEEN HELD BACK MY WHOLE LIFE. THEY SAID I WAS A “LITTLE SLOW”.’

Tuesday wasn’t too bad. I took my thick pencils and drew the entire outline across the wall. I was doing a circus theme, with twelve stars (one star per person), around the ringmaster, with our team leader’s face. I wanted everyone to have a nice big star so that everyone’s face could easily be seen.

The outline took all day, considering I had to move four of the stars higher up than planned, and I finished the day off by painting the stars fleshy- pink so I wouldn’t have to paint the faces later.

Wednesday was even better. I painted my team leader’s face with pupils, mouth, and ginger sideburns, which he was a bit upset by. Hey, you wanted a caricature, so I gave you a caricature.

I outlined myself with an edgy face to show my unpredictably, and peering behind my star I did the ghostface killer from Scream. To raise funds for the project, one of the things we did was a pub collection in fancy dress. I went as that character. After that I painted my own face, just to see what would be the easiest way of painting the faces. As I was outlining the faces, people started to come up to have a look, to see what they looked like. Some of them loved their caricatures, others started to make requests on which star they wanted, or some other object they wanted on the star. It’s not easy agreeing to it, knowing how little time you’ve got. Not to mention I had to put up with people silently peering over my shoulder just to look. After outlining them all, I started painting small details like eyes, hair or grins. And I still didn’t know how much longer it would take.

43

Thursday I really started to feel the pressure, it being a half day. The second the door was opened I went straight up, put my waterproofs on, and started. The first part of the morning was okay, but then someone put the dreaded CD player on. It’s not easy to concentrate when it’s in the same room with you, blasting out some speed garage / house / techno / rave / dance “music”, just so everyone can hear it. I started to notice the thick black paint was making a huge mess of my paintbrush water. At one point, a couple of the lads were prating around with a tennis ball, as I was carrying the dirty water. The damn thing almost hit me in the face. I snapped at them, my face red from stress. Out of all the other twelve people here, only one asked if I was okay. She told me to have a break, but I didn’t want one. I had already decided to sacrifice any tea breaks I had, and just have dinner, and the second I’d finish, I’d go back to the wall. I felt a bit better when I’d finished for that day, although I noticed we were out of yellow paint. I needed it for the stars, and they were still pink. That afternoon, I had an interview for my work placement, so I picked up some yellow paint before going home. There’s one less thing to worry about.

44

Friday I arrived, paint can in hand; my team leader was already there looking at the wall, and gave me some reassurance. All morning, I dedicated every single second of my time to that wall: painting, drawing details, checking, painting over mistakes, not always in that order. At this time, I had a fairly aggressive view of everyone around me, but in the afternoon one of the girls came up and asked if she could help. Well, I was doing all the more complicated areas of the picture, so why not? I told her to paint the team leader’s suit and tie with that thick black paint I hated so much. My team leader said he looked like an undertaker. After she had finished what I wanted her to do, one of the lads came up and asked if he could help with anything. I was a bit dubious about letting him, because he had a bit of a bad reputation of late, and I didn’t want to be near the volcano when it erupted. Then again, I didn’t want to paint the ringmaster’s top hat, which was high up, with that dreadful black paint, so I let him go. I explained to him which parts of the hat I wanted painted, because the top hat was going to have “Team 153” in white on it. As he was painting the top hat, I took my yellow paint and started painting asterisks, dot-

ted around the bigger stars. He did the top hat exactly the way I wanted it, without any complaints, and in my eyes he had redeemed himself, I started painting the remaining stars yellow, whilst my other teammates started painting the floor around me blue. Approaching 4pm people started to gather upstairs to see the finished product. I gave the wall a final check to see if I missed anything. Finally, after three days and a half of exhausting work, I personally gave the wall the thumbs up.

The wall looks amazing. Everyone stands out on it, it’s brightly colourful, and everyone thinks it is top banana. I like to think it’s very trendy too, as everyone on it looks like a character from a modern cartoon. It wasn’t easy though. They say artists suffer for their work, and I certainly did.

You know what the most ironic thing is? Given all the different kinds of people I had to tolerate whilst on the Prince’s Trust course, this really is a circus!

Photography : Jez Francis

45

My Day in the Zoo ANIMALs

Carrie Mitchell

It was a sunny day. I woke up with a new app on my phone called ‘Being an Animal for a day’. I didn’t believe it would work so to try it out I went to the local zoo, on the off chance and was surprised how well it worked the first.

Kieran Peters

Animals can make you laugh & cry Kids look like pigs in mud after football Birds flap like someone talking your head off A parrot nodding its head Animals are like parents, protecting their young Peacock feathers are like a bed of flowers The moon looks like a shiny pearl A mess looks like a cake splattered clown A lion’s roar is like an air horn

The first animal I went up to was a Monkey and a few seconds later I was swinging through the trees. The feeling was amazing.

I couldn’t decide what I wanted to do next so I just sat there looking at my surroundings, watching the world go round. Then all of a sudden I was pushed over by a female monkey and started play fighting with her like you see monkeys doing.

After a while I wished I was a human again, so I could test out the app on a different animal.

I was stuck on what animal to choose next, so I walked around for a while and then finally decided on becoming a penguin. I love happy feet the film and thought it would be good to see how it feels to be one. So, I stood outside their enclosure and seconds later I was a penguin, swimming around catching fish. Then I decided to put on a show for the visitors. I got out of the water and started tapping my feel and I could feel myself moving faster and faster. As the crowd grew so did my confidence. I was doing tricks by the end of it and I got huge round of applause and a couple of fish as a treat.

After that I wished to be a human again after my exciting day at the zoo I got home and just sat there thinking about what happened that day I couldn’t believe what a lovely experience I had.

46

ButterWhy?

Graham Rodgers

Why are you so nice to me? Everyone else wants to bite my head off, and yet all you do is look at me and smile.

Why is it you don’t trample on me like anyone else? I crawled into your house uninvited, not dare asking for shelter, and yet it’s like I needn’t say a thing.

You still prod me from time to time to see how I would react in fear, and yet you like it when I open up so.

I still picked my own corner hidden away, and yet you don’t force me out or somewhere else.

Image : Graham Rogers

It is nice here though; peaceful, warm, still. Better to die in here then out there I suppose. Would you mourn me if I died?

What am I saying? Of course you would. And yet, at the top of my wings, I wouldn’t know why...

47

48

Printmaking : Jez Francis

Photography : Jez Francis

49

ISABEL boss

WE’RE HAVING WORMS FOR DINNER

I prefer animals to some people. I have a dog called Pebbles and two cats - a big black one called Fred and a tabby one called Barney.

Fred can be mardy, he pesters my husband, Rob. Our cat Wilma is deceased. They live with me and Rob in a 3 bedroom house. We’ve been married 33 years. We’re both radio hams. Rob is 60 in December. He’s on the computer a lot and can be a bit grumpy. I don’t like technology, and he can be untidy, but he’s all right. He helps me clean the house. We’ve never had enough money for children so the animals are our babies. I like walking the dog. I like walking through the park and a longer walk through the National Forest. I call it “the path”. I enjoy meeting people along the way. I’d like to do voluntary work with animals.

I was born in Whitehaven, in Cumbria. Near Sellafield. I wouldn’t like to go in there. I remember St Bees railway station. We’ve been on holiday to Cumbria. Mum worked in the tax office and met dad there. They are both dead now. Mum could have gone to University but she didn’t. My mother didn’t give me a middle name. I was an only child but I wasn’t spoiled. My mother had a miscarriage otherwise I would have had a brother. Women have to put up with lots of things men don’t.

We moved to Huddersfield. I didn’t like it at school there. We moved to Staffordshire and then to Derbyshire. I went to school here. If I could have played truant, I would have. I’m settled now, I’ve lived here most of my life. I met Rob here. I’m 62 now.

I’m a member of an art group in Moira. We meet once a week and paint. I paint animals. And trains. I like most things that move: trains, planes, cars, motorbikes, cyclists and people running. I always think of that tune “Keep on Moving”. I’d love to make a movie of things that move to that tune. We’re on a flight path to the airport but the noise doesn’t bother me. I enjoy the conversation at the group.

And we have a Christmas dinner together. I don’t like bossy people. Rob’s mum has dementia. I have a temper sometimes - Celtic blood.

I blow up in my kitchen when I’m on my own. I moan to my friends not my family. I have a good friend called Kathleen. I know lots of people. Some people like to throw mud but they don’t like it when it’s thrown back at them. I’d like to put them down a coal-hole - there are lots around here. My favourite expression is “drop dead”. I got my face slapped once at work, I never layed a finger on them. If I had done my name would be mud!!! I see a psychiatrist about my anxiety.

We’re having “worms” for dinner - that’s noodles. I can cook but nothing fancy. I have a big wok and cook stir-frys. I like doing Sunday dinners. I don’t like cooking for others, they can be a pain. I worked in catering. I didn’t like it. Lousy pay. I worked for Guide Dogs in Leamington Spa. If I went blind I wouldn’t have a guide dog, because of that. Rob can drive and he’s worked. He has diabetes but he can control it. He eats diabetic chocolate. We’re going to retire. I’m not a “lady of leisure”. I like the Festival of Leisure at People Express. I did a print of a cat as part of their “Alice in Wonderland”.

Honesty can be a problem. Sometimes it’s not wise to tell the truth. It’s called “little white lies” or “tact”. Like if someone asked your opinion about their outfit and you didn’t want to say you didn’t like it. I am also left-handed and born on Friday 13th. Whoever made me was an idiot!!!

50

Photography : Jez Francis

51

52

‘The Skip’ : Graham Rodgers

53

HOLLIE bURKE

21st CENTURY GIRL

I’m going on holiday to Turkey with my parents. They have an apartment they bought with inheritance money from my grandma. Last time we couldn’t use it because it was hired out. I like Turkey: the food and the culture and you don’t see poverty on the streets. I wouldn’t go for too long, I have commitments here with People Express. I was working in a charity shop, but I’ve had enough. I wouldn’t mind doing shop work if it was paid, although I’m not sure if it would be too much. All there is in Swad town centre are charity shops. It goes dead in Swad during the day, there’s nothing to do. I passed my time doing “word search”.

Swadlincote is a poor place. It’s thriving where the cinema is, but the centre is dead. I’m fond of Swad but the heart of it isn’t loved. Kids are hanging about with nothing to do, it’s not preparing them for life.

Life was harder for me at 16. I struggled to fit in, especially at school. I was bullied at school. I couldn’t talk about it for a long time, the bully told me not to. My disability hasn’t helped. I cope better now I’ve been diagnosed with autism. My I.Q. is too high for a “learning disability” diagnosis.

That awareness has really helped. I was diagnosed last year. A counsellor helped me. I’m 28 now. People with autism are all different. I want to be with people and I want my own space. They say we don’t empathise but I can. My brother’s girlfriend’s brother is deaf. I’ve learned sign language but it’s expensive to train. It should be subsidised.

My parents knew when I was a child but I think the specialists were confused because I was born with a cleft pallet and had problems with speech. I had to have operations. My food had to be liquefied. I couldn’t pronounce my “b’s” or “d’s”. Mum used to say, “Try and say ‘door’.” I’d say, “Noor”. She’d get cross and say, “It’s a bloody door!” I’d say, “It’s a nunny noor!”.

54

Illustration : Sally Jane Thompson

Mum says as a baby I’d give people dark looks. Only my older brother made me smile. We’re still close. He lives in Derby. Sometimes I’ll get a bus to see him and he’ll meet me. He was married but he now lives with his girlfriend. My ex sisterin-law was a large part of my life.

I don’t have enough in the week to do at the moment. Holidays can be difficult.

I get anxious if I don’t have enough to do. I like to have structure and routine.

I come here to People Express and I go to Bank House. I’ve done sailing with Shoutout - “sail ability” lessons, they’re called. I’ve done my bronze and silver and I want to do gold so that I can become an instructor. They say I’m a natural sailor.

On holidays in the Lake District this year, me and mum had our bags stolen from the car. We stopped to take photos and someone smashed the window and grabbed the bags. We were half way through the holidays and we lost everything. We were upset. I retreat into myself when I’m hurt, in order to cope, or I’ll hit something. I don’t always see the bigger picture that others are suffering too.

When I came home, I missed a Beatles tribute concert at Conkers because my dad had to have the window repaired. I’ve been to see a few tribute bands. I’d like to go to a festival, even though crowds and noise can be hard. My brother saw ‘Prodigy’, I’d like to see them. I’m terrified of balloons and party-poppers. I was like a nervous kitten as a child on bonfire night. At Bournemouth recently I coped okay with fireworks because they were at a distance.

On Friday afternoons I see a counsellor. I need “keeping an eye on”. I’d like to live on my own eventually, but not yet. I’d need a social worker to keep an eye on me. Sometimes I’m left at home for a couple of weeks. We have a good neighbour who looks out for me. I have a free bus pass now and it’s changed my life.

I can use it after 9.30am. It helps me be more independent.

I could leave Swad, I suppose, if I found the right job. I’d be happy living in a seaside town, but not Skegness. I wouldn’t want to go there every year like some people.

“I retreat into myself when I’m hurt, in order to cope”.

I’m working with the crafts teacher at Oaklands, supporting her. I enjoy working with elderly people with dementia. I’ve had some training, being with people and listening. People are surprised by what I can do.

I’ve never had a man in my life. I like men, most of my friends are men, but I’m shy and reserved and most men don’t want that. I discovered boys about 16 but not many boys tell me I’m attractive. A woman has to be careful. People think I’m younger than I am. I’m often asked, “What do you want to do when you leave school?” I have to carry I.D with me. I was I.D’d for a ‘15’ in Sainsbury’s recently. On my 18th birthday I went to Egypt as a present. On the last day I met Akhmed. We liked each other. Young people might think it’s odd but I don’t need a man. There are lots of positives about being single. I’m not missing out. People in relationships can be sad and they forfeit their freedom. I don’t want marriage or children.

I like jewellery. I bought this necklace and bracelet for myself. I play the piano.

I’ve been having lessons for a long time. I have an upright piano and a keyboard. I’ve played in public at Bank House. I managed to overcome my nerves. I got a good reception. It feels good when I’m playing the piano. I’m a member at the Leisure Centre. I enjoy fitness classes.

I’ve joined the Liberal Democrats because they were the only party who mentioned mental health issues. I’ve written to Nick Clegg a couple of times. I don’t trust the Conservatives and I hate Nigel Farage. He’s a hypocrite about immigration. I follow the news about refugees in the Mediterranean. Nigel was cruel about them. I’d leave him on the boat. I think all politicians should be made to go paint-balling instead of fighting elections. They all have their colours and the winner could form the government.

55

56

Photography : Graham Rodgers

Photography : Graham Rodgers

57

58

Photography : Kalila Storey

Photography : Kalila Storey

59

Dedicated to

“Gentleman” Geoffrey Brunt 1951 – 2012 Much loved volunteer for South Derbyshire CVS, proud supporter of South Derbyshire Mental Health Association, and Shoutout, and founding member of the Swadlincote Asperger’s Society’s predecessor.