News
Ashley Fraser / Print News Editor
January 23, 2017 news@the-peak.ca
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News
Ashley Fraser / Print News Editor
news@the-peak.ca
Opinions
Mental health in the media is never messy. Portrayed sufferers tend to be bored white people who spend their time indoors with the lights off, until they find the perfect medication for them. Then it’s all bike rides, swingsets, and walks on the beach. Symptoms are clean and treatment is simple: all it takes is the perfect pill, and wham, instant relief. But anyone who has lived with mental illness, or has a person in their life living with one — which is pretty much everyone — knows this is bullshit. There’s no easy fix for mental illness, and if there were, it probably wouldn’t be sold in a box. Recovery requires a steady support group, help from a professional, a hell of a lot of effort, and, most of all, time. It’s work worth doing, but it is work, and it’s a struggle that is almost never portrayed in the media. Which brings me to Bell Let’s Talk, a program that advocates for mental health awareness and destigmatization. Every January since 2011, Bell has devoted a day to sponsored support of mental health initiatives, donating 5¢ for every tweet, text, Instagram, and Snapchat sent with a #BellLetsTalk hashtag. It promises aid through vague, but positivesounding slogans like “Be Kind” and “Language Matters.” The campaign comes with a who’s who of celebrity survivors, including Deal or No Deal host Howie Mandel and decorated Olympian Clara Hughes, the latter of whom has her face plastered on seemingly every bus stop in the city. It’s clean, it’s stress-free, and it comes with testimonials from your favourite TV personalities. What more could you want? I would love to believe that Bell has only our best interests at heart. And to their credit, they do end up raising a lot
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Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor
January 23, 2017 opinions@the-peak.ca
Chef Eric Pateman of Edible Canada has been receiving a lot of criticism for the dish he’s serving for Dine Out Vancouver — Newfoundland seal pappardelle. Activist organizations are asking for the marine mammal to be taken off the menu, claiming that seal hunting practices are inhumane and that the dish supports the cruel hunt. Are the hunts cruel and inhumane? As a certified cries-atdog-recovery-videos wimp and leaf-eater (vegetarian), of course I believe that the hunts are awful — but that’s not my issue with the controversy. My issue is with the anger and irrationality that many so-called activists seem to have in common. These sorts of voices seem to be causing a lot of noise, screaming at the restaurant in hopes of getting their way — PETA being a prime example. The animal rights organization staged a demonstration of a costumed seal writhing in a pool of blood in front of the restaurant to express their beliefs about the seal hunt. It’s true that, while I do disagree with their methods, PETA isn’t unjustified in the anger
they feel. In 2008 alone, an estimated 218,000 harp seals were killed with high-powered rifles, shotguns firing slugs, clubs, and hakapiks (traditional hunting tools comprising of long sticks with sharp hooks on either end). The practices used to kill seals are reportedly more “humane” than others. Yet animal rights advocates claim that many seals are skinned alive, and that working conditions make killing seals quickly very difficult, so many pups suffer greatly during the hunt. These facts are awful, but the seal hunt is legal, along with many other cruel practices towards animals. The people who follow and work within these laws, business owners and average citizens, aren’t the whole issue — they’re simply byproducts of a problematic system. Sure, they are perpetuating a bad practice, but don’t we all? We’ve all got smartphones up the wazoo, and we know that every time we break one in a wonderful first world country, a child suffers in a third world country helping make a replacement. We definitely should all be held accountable for our actions, but we’re often so
of money — about $6 million in total to approved charities including the Canadian Red Cross and the Canadian Mental Health Association. But let’s not forget that Bell still charges customers for all texts sent during the day, and gains plenty of positive media coverage throughout their campaign. Every tweet you send serves a double purpose: it’s a donation to charities that also promises more pocket lining for high-paid media executives. As with any company, Bell has a product to sell. It’s the biggest telecommunications company in Canada, and about 28% of all media and communications revenues in the country as of last year were Bell’s. Canada’s media concentration is among the worst in the G8, and Bell has been targeted for charges of censorship and increasing the monopoly of Canadian media by a handful of companies. All of this is to say that, for better or worse, Bell has the ability to significantly impact how Canadians see mental health. And the company’s portrayal of Mental Wellness™ is as adulterated as they come, implying that depression is just a case of the blues, and the cure is a hug and some friendly conversation. It also focuses primarily on young middle-class whites, while mental illness disproportionately affects seniors, the homeless, those in lower income brackets, and those with substance abuse problems. And most Canadians with a searn more thecdm.ca rious mental illnesses are also unemployed, meaning that their access to Bell services is likely limited — leaving them out of all the hashtag hype. To be clear, I’m all about sharing your experiences on social media, and pretty much anywhere else. I’m a chronic oversharer myself. Visibility is Industry-Focused Master’s Degree important, and stigma is a real Graduate from 4 Major Universities barrier to acceptance. But the medium is the mesCompetitive Scholarship Opportunities sage: every discussion of mental health spurned by Bell Let’s Talk is mediated by the needs and wants of a multi-billion a collaboration between dollar corporation that’s more concerned with your wallet than your wellness.
overwhelmed by the power of big business that it can seem impossible to live ethically — so we give in. This is what many of the voices that cry out seem to be neglecting, and their ignorance is my issue. While the restaurant is definitely enabling an often-cruel practice, attacking it for simply selling the meat is rude, pointless, and does absolutely nothing to protect the seals. The only things that these types of protests seem to accomplish is the destruction of the credibility of actual activists, making their causes look like a joke. The angry and entitled attitudes of these protesters seem to completely halt them from taking a step back and acknowledging the reality of the situation. If you’re looking to actually make a difference, do the work to make that difference. Organizations like Harpseals are committed to ending seal hunts, and they suggest that you volunteer your time, write letters to those who can help (e.g. government officials, tourist businesses, etc.), and ask your friends and family to join your fight for the cause. Change the world with your actions and not your ignorance.
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6 Opinions
Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor
opinions@the-peak.ca
OPEN LETTER
To the bully who targeted me for my hijab: you must’ve been so happy to make me afraid like never before. You took my innocence, and my excitement at enrolling in university. It was a struggle to gather myself and get back to who I am: a strong, fearless woman. "Go back to where you came from,” you said. You looked at my headscarf and told me it wasn’t accepted here, told me to “remove it or go back.” I felt helpless, not knowing whether to run, scream for help, or just do nothing. I recited every prayer I could in my heart, begging for God's mercy. As if sent from heaven, an angel of an old man came to my rescue. He walked straight to where you were tormenting me, and you left calmly, like nothing happened, sure that you achieved whatever you had in mind. I remained, devastated and traumatized, having no words to describe what just happened. I couldn’t properly reply when asked if I was okay; all I could do was nod and walk away, short of energy, and unsure of who to trust.
The Golden Globes clip I played on repeat was Meryl Streep’s lethal political takedown; the one I avoided was the infamous kiss between Andrew Garfield and Ryan
That happened after barely two months in this country. My high expectations of my time here went down the drain. I asked myself: how safe am I here? To whom do I turn to? To whom do I tell the story of what had happened to me? I hadn’t yet made friends at SFU. My mother came to mind, but I ended the call before she picked up. I realized that I’d regret telling her, because she’d worry that I wasn't safe in my new faraway "home." I spent days in my room with no food and no contact with anyone, just lying down and sobbing. Afterward, I became anti-social, and never felt ready to talk to new people. I wouldn’t walk anywhere alone. Whenever I saw bigger guys, I found myself moving quickly away. It wasn't something I could control, and I didn’t like that. I questioned those behaviours every time, promising myself that they wouldn't happen again, but I couldn't help it for a long time. I’m normally social, joking and ever-joyful; now, I can't stop thinking about the many happy
moments I missed during that period. To the bully who targeted me for my hijab: I don't know who else you hurt before coming for me, but you've opened my eyes to the real world and made me see things as they are. I came here excited to feel safe and secure, able to exercise my rights and privileges, but even in one of the "safest countries" in the world, I still don't have the power to choose what I want to do. You’ve reignited my fire, and despite the fear you tried to inflict
upon me, you’ve empowered me. I know my rights better now, and I'll never take off my hijab just because you or anyone else wants me to, or because it’s "not accepted here." It is my dignity, my respect, and my honour, and I will never trade it for anything. I speak for all the women out there who, like me, have faced racism and Islamophobia without knowing how to deal with it; who kept their grievances to themselves because of fear; who didn’t know where to report the injustices.
We're in this together, and nobody should feel abnormal for it. Racism and Islamophobia can happen anywhere, and it’s no fault of the targeted individuals. Insecure, unwanted, and unsafe: that's how I felt that day. But I won’t let it stop me from speaking my mind — everyone assumes that all’s well, when it’s not even close. I tell my story not because it’s unique, but because it’s what many women face. I choose to tell my story today, tomorrow, and every day after.
Reynolds. Bless the fangirls and their rekindled hopes for a Spiderman/Deadpool rom-com, but personally, I cringed, remembering my first time at a bar.
I’d just graduated and was traveling Asia with a group of volunteers doing construction work in developing villages. During a night in Vang Vieng, we ended up at a local hotspot. The DJ was great, and so was I — until I saw two girls I was traveling with, girls who, to my knowledge, very much identified as straight, grinding on the dance floor, cheered on by friends and strangers alike. I left the dance floor and anxiously waited for somebody to walk back to the hostel with. It took me ages to figure out why that sight bothered me so much. My high school’s GSA had kids who only attended once a month, fearing that somebody would figure out why they disappeared every Monday. I hadn’t had a serious relationship yet, since so few of us were open at that school. And two months prior to that night, a nightclub full of queer lovers and dreamers had been filled with bullets and bodies. Yet who was I to police who should be kissing whom? Who am I, now, to assume that Reynolds and Garfield don’t call someplace on the LGBTQ+ spectrum home or have fluid sexualities? Nobody, I suppose. But I look at these
snapshots and see the foundation of a much bigger problem. Take Garfield’s statement about the kiss on LIVE with Kelly Ripa. The second Ripa brought it up, Garfield became clearly bashful; when asked about the story behind it, Garfield explained that he and Reynolds had planned it as a funny moment should Reynolds win, since cameras were on all nominees. That, right there, is my problem. Not that two grown, consenting men decided to kiss despite identifying as straight (with the blessing of Reynold’s wife, by the way), but that the kiss was a complete joke — and an effective one, since Kelly’s studio and the entire Internet laughed. I’m sure that those two girls I traveled with, grinding on the dance floor, saw that instant as a joke, too. But it’s insulting to see somebody so effortlessly possess a moment that the public immediately labels grossly inappropriate, should it involve people who genuinely desire it. I forgot how to dance after seeing two straight girls grind in a bar. Seeing my marginalized sexuality thrown around so cheaply made me re-evaluate the way I fit into
the normal social code for physical interaction and contact between women; and question where, when, and how I should dance, move, behave, or touch others. Why do straight girls get to have what gay girls are taught to hide or hush? Why do straight men get to meaninglessly kiss each other when gay boys are still subjected to shock therapy and psychological abuse? Is our society still just homophobic enough that they can accept a kiss between guys only if there’s no meaning in it? Comedy relies heavily on physical play, and sex always sells, but that doesn’t justify the overwhelming amount of men kissing on camera as a punchline. Just as black actors deserve diverse roles on television to avoid being universally stereotyped as gangsters, slaves, or sassy ladies, non-heteronormative love deserves the same respect and seriousness as its alternative. What would the Internet be doing had Garfield kissed, say, Natalie Portman that night? It certainly wouldn’t be as funny or shocking. If love was as universally accepted and accessible as we claim it is, the Garfield-Reynolds kiss wouldn’t be so funny at all.
"I speak for all the women out there who, like me, have faced racism and Islamophobia."
Alexa Tarrayo / The Peak
Opinions
For many people, university is a freeing experience. You might be living on your own, or living your life with a greater degree of freedom than you had in high school. You’re staying out late, drinking on Wednesdays, and skipping classes because of the previous two things. Yes, your parents may not have as much control of your life as they once had, but the government’s control is still as strong as it ever was. Governments across the world regulate pretty much every part of your life, and our federal and provincial governments here in Canada are no exception. These parts often include activities where you’re the only potential victim, from how much exercise you have to get in high school to how hot your milk has to be cooked before you can drink it. These kinds of regulations might be in place to keep you healthy, but shouldn’t people have the ability to make their own decisions about their bodies? If not, why doesn’t the government ban smoking, or drinking, or risky sexual practises entirely? Because it can’t, and it knows this. Too many people smoke and drink for an outright ban to work. Just look at the absolute failure that alcohol prohibition was in every country where it’s been tried. From 1920 to 1933, the US attempted to control its citizens’ use of alcohol, leading to increases in two areas: criminal activity associated with the production and sale of liquor, and mortality rates linked to alcohol. If you take away people’s freedoms too quickly, they start to notice and do everything they can to get around the barriers — often to
January 23, 2017
detrimental effect. No, the more effective path is to just make it as inconvenient as possible to partake in these acts until the people decide of their own volition to stop. So laws such as plain packaging and the Smoke Free Ontario act designed to nag you into compliance come into effect. Health Canada goes as far as patrolling garage sales to ensure that “electronics are packaged with instructions for safe use.” If you think this a good idea, I’d like you to find all the instruction manuals for the electronics in your house. Manuals that you probably threw away immediately, particularly in cases where they’re easily available online. I agree that things like smoking are pretty bad for your health. I’m just not willing to forcibly browbeat people into quitting. We’ve already seen attempts to extend this logic into areas as mundane as soda pop regulation outside Canada: New York City tried to limit the maximum size of a soda to 16oz. Sure, sugary drinks cause obesity. So does chocolate, and lack of exercise. The sun causes cancer. Sex can cause STDs. Walking can cause falling, driving can cause crashing, and eating can cause choking. Being an adult means taking on the responsibility of weighing life’s risks and rewards when making a decision. If you want to live an ascetic lifestyle, without drugs, or fatty foods or sunlight, that’s your prerogative. But don’t advocate forcing that on the entire country. It should not be the government’s responsibility to protect adults from the consequences of their own choices.
NOTICE OF STUDENT ELECTION SPRING 2017 CALL FOR NOMINATIONS FOR STUDENT REPRESENTATIVES Students have an opportunity to become involved in the governance of SFU by submitting a nomination form for positions on Senate, the Board of Governors, and the Senate Graduate Studies Committee, and SFU Community Trust. COMMITTEE
POSITIONS
TERM OF OFFICE
INFORMATION
Senate
Sixteen students, elected by and from the student body, with at least one student elected from each faculty and at least three undergraduate and three graduate students.
June 1, 2017 to May 31, 2018
Senate meets once a month and is responsible for the academic governance (all matters that bear on teaching and research) of the University. www.sfu.ca/senate.html
Board of Governors
One undergraduate student, elected by and from the undergraduate student body.
June 1, 2017 to May 31, 2018
The Board of Governors meets six times a year and is responsible for the business (property, revenue and policies) of the University. www.sfu.ca/bog.html
One graduate student, elected by and from the graduate student body. Senate Graduate Studies Committee (SGSC)
Four graduate students (2 regular, 2 alternate), elected by and from graduate students.
June 1, 2017 to May 31, 2018
SGSC meets once a month and is responsible for making recommendations to Senate concerning graduate programs, courses, regulations and policies. www.sfu.ca/senate/senatecommittees/sgsc.html
SFU Community Trust
One student, elected by and April 1, 2017 from the student body. to May 31, 2019
The SFU Community Corporation is governed by an independent Board of Directors that includes SFU stakeholders, faculty and student representatives, as well as external members. As trustee, that Board sets policy for SFU Community Trust, helping to shape the future of UniverCity. www.unvercity.ca
Nomination Deadline: Friday, February 3, 2017 @ 12:00 pm Campaign Period: February 6, 2017 to February 24, 2017 Online Voting: February 21, 2017 to February 24, 2017 Nomination Forms and Candidate Info: http://www.sfu.ca/students/elections/students.html Questions may be directed to the Electoral Officer, Senate & Academic Services at 778-782-3168 or senate@sfu.ca.
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10 Arts
Jessica Whitesel / Arts Editor
arts@the-peak.ca
Arts
January 23, 2017
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12 Sports
Nick Bondi Sports Editor
“Everything just seemed to come together that day. I was pretty pumped.�
Nick Bondi / Sports Editor
sports@the-peak.ca
Sports
It was a game that highlighted both the youth on Simon Fraser’s basketball team, and the three-point making ability that Central Washington has displayed all season. Coming into the game on a 12-game losing streak against the second place Central Washington Wildcats, the Clan knew they were facing a challenge. While they ended up losing the game, coach Steve Hanson was positive regarding the team’s effort. “I thought our guys battled hard,” said the coach when asked about the game. “There were great stretches of effort, we just haven’t had a game of 40 minutes.” The game started in favour of Central Washington, as two blocked shots by Fuquan Niles led to transition threes for Dom Hunter and Naim Ladd, and gave the team a 13–9 lead early. A few minutes later, two Ladd free-throws stretched the lead to 27–16 for the visiting team. Two fouls by starting SFU point guard Michael Provenzano forced coach Hanson to go to his bench early, where Othniel Spence provided a defensive spark. The Clan then went on a 12–3 run that was capped by a steal and made free-throw attempts by Spence, cutting the lead to two points.
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January 23, 2017
“He brings us so much energy on the defensive end,” said Hanson when asked about Spence’s play as of late. “He’s learning every week [. . .] he’s getting better every week.” A beautiful alley-oop from Spence to JJ Pankratz helped the Clan keep the game close, before two failed defensive rebounds lead to a three for Ladd and a converted-and-one dunk for Niles. When asked about it after the game, coach Hanson said, “The difference was the offensive glass; we just gave up too many second chance points.” Central Washington was plus seven in second chance points in this one, outscoring Simon Fraser 13–6. A four-point play by Ladd gave the Wildcats a 52–44 lead going into the half. While faced with a daunting challenge, the Clan seemed to be holding their own so far. In the beginning of the second half, however, the game got away from them. The Wildcats went on a 22–4 run to start the half, giving them a 74–48 lead. While the Clan made a valiant effort to claw back, strong play by Ladd and Niles ended up being the difference in the game. Ladd ended the game with an efficient 33 points in 30 minutes on 8–11 three pointers, which has been the story of the Wildcats’
season thus far, as they lead the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) in three-pointers made per game. This combined with Niles dominating the paint with 14 rebounds and three blocks was too much for Simon Fraser to handle. On the bright side, Kedar Wright had another solid performance for the Clan, with 25 points and seven rebounds on 8–17 shooting, including three three-pointers. When asked on his performance, coach Hanson responded with, “We see what Kedar can do on offense every day [. . .] he’s a very good three-point shooter.” On top of this, the Clan were plus 17 in bench points, largely in part to Hidde Vos going 5–9 from behind the arc. In a game in which Simon Fraser was a solid 48.3% from the field, the offense was not the problem. While showing bursts of effort on the defensive end, the 54.1% that Central Washington shot from the field alludes to the relatively young team that Simon Fraser has. This can be summed up with coach Hanson’s post game quote: “We’re just not as big [. . .] not as old and strong.” With this loss the Clan continue their skid with their 13th straight loss, and fall to 0–9 in the GNAC.
After Tuesday night’s emotional loss, SFU was looking for a way to bounce back and show that they were still a dominant team in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC). They found the perfect tonic in the Montana State University Billings. In a performance typical of the season thus far, the Clan got solid performances up and down the lineup to win 86–72. “I thought some things were very good,” said head coach Bruce Langford after the game. “[Rachel] Fradgley was efficient, I thought that [Ellen] Kett was efficient, [and] I thought that we were resilient. They had some runs at us, and we maintained our composure and came back.” The first quarter was a tight affair. SFU, frankly, missed some easy baskets, which allowed Montana State to take a three point lead. However, back-to-back threes by freshman Tia Tsang meant the Clan were up by two by the end of it. They were able to extend that lead to nine by the end of the half — Ellen Kett hit a clutch corner three, and also dished it out to Meg Wilson inside for an easy two points. SFU showed some resilience in the second half, battling back from two Montana State surges to eventually take the game by 14. The dominant player throughout the game was easily Meg Wilson. Recording her second straight double-double, she finished with 16 points, 11 rebounds, four assists, and three steals in a type of
performance that is starting to become commonplace. “She has a lot of weapons,” said Langford on what makes Wilson such a dominant player. “She can shoot the three, drive and finish inside tight, she rebounds well, [and] she usually gets a steal and a breakaway layup every now and again, which makes things easy for us. She’s got a great diverse skillset that allows her to have success.” Another standout performance came from Division I transfer Tayla Jackson. Although she only recorded eight points, those all came in the final 3:05 of the game where she showed off what could make her a dominant force in the future — and perhaps making the case for more playing time. “Hopefully it will help her upside,” commented Langford. “She’s struggled a little bit with some things, and she had a lucky bounce that went in beautifully, and then she had two or three moves in a row that got stopped. “I think she got frustrated, but then she had things go her way for a little bit. She had a nice drop step that open from a nice pass, and so I’m sure that’s going to help a little bit with her confidence.” Ellen Kett once again led SFU in minutes played with 35, and finished with 13 points and seven assists. Rachel Fradgley finished with 15 points and three rebounds. Ozi Nwabuko rounded out the doubledigit SFU players, finishing with 12 points and three rebounds.
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14 Humour
Janis McMath / Humour Editor
humour@the-peak.ca
LANGLANGUAGE BPKBIOMEDICAL PHYSIOLOGY &KINESIOLOGY ARCHARCHEOLOGY Monkey noises Why are monkeys monkeys? Ponder this and many other butt-scratching questions by reading a textbook on archaeology — the groundbreaking study of old dry things. Just like other close relatives of australopithecus afarensis, you most likely use bipedal locomotion and are manually dexterous.
BUSBUSINESS I really want to be rich. Luckily for you, most business textbooks are well-written and designed, if a little pricey. You gotta spend money to make money, am I right? These textbooks showcase your wild entrepreneurial spirit. Except for the Practitioner’s Income Tax Act. It’s best to burn that book after use.
CMPTCOMPUTERSCIENCE Beep beep boop. You probably either spend most of your time on a computer because it’s your interest, or feel overwhelmed because all of your classmates are so tech-savvy. Remember that your textbook and online practice resources are your best friends, as most CMPT profs are about as experienced with teaching as a Vancouverite is with heavy snowfall.
CRIMCRIMINOLOGY I don't sleep at night. You probably watch gratuitously gruesome horror movies at the end of the day to wind down from all the fucked-up shit you learned about in class earlier. Don’t worry; you won’t get consumed in your research and go crazy yourself. . . probably.
The only bottoms I own are sweatpants. Studying the body means that you know how to be nice to it, and one of the best ways to do that is to keep it comfy in sweats. Don’t worry, they don’t make your lumbo-pelvic hip complex look anteriorly rotated.
I already speak this language. If you’re taking a language class and don’t already know a fair amount about the language, you’re doing it wrong. These classes work best as GPA brownie points for people who are already fluent in that given language.
IATINTERACTIVE ARTS&TECHNOLOGY I literally shit aesthetic.
CMSCOMMUNCATION I'm probably kinda lazy. Some communication majors are exceptional students, eager to learn about media theory, political economy, and telecommunication. Then there’s the other 98% who want a degree and decent GPA, but also have other things they’d rather do with their time. Statistically speaking, you’re probably part of the latter.
ENGLENGLISH I have a lot of books. English classes provide you with the opportunity to carry around 25 books at a time for the first two weeks, only to give up by the third week and just look up the summary on Wikipedia whenever a text is referenced. On the bright side, all those classics you have stockpiled at home are DIY interior decorating projects just waiting to happen.
ECONECONOMICS My hatred for graphs is steadily inclining. Sure, you get to do it with models and closely inspect their curves, but the demand of ECON courses is just too high. Kudos to Doug Allen for single-handedly keeping Voltaire’s Candide in print, but you should probably just the read the SparkNotes summary for those ECON 103 bonus questions.
IAT courses probably have some of the coolest, most beautiful textbooks out of all disciplines. Unfortunately, they’re so beautiful that you wouldn’t want to run the risk of damaging them by reading them. Find the information you need for class online and instead use your textbook as the statement piece on a coffee table to compliment your room’s chic minimalist look.
MATHMATHEMATICS I always differentiate myself. Taking math is about as rational as pi. These poor textbooks always look sad because they have so many problems. You’re most likely the sort to go off on tangents, in the hopes of integrating yourself with others, when really, you’re differentiating. Just take care to ensure carrying that calculus book doesn’t give you scoliosis.
STATSTATISTICS I'm a sexy masochist. Stats textbooks average about 80lbs each. Lugging those mammoths around all day ensures that you have stellar quads. You can usually buy a stats textbook for the price of all your savings, your soul, and your first-born child. All your axes are are probably mean or average — yeah, that’s right, we know your type.
Humour
January 23, 2017
You are going to die.
Forge ahead
Yin and yang. Life and death. You can’t have one without the other. So, instead of bitching about it, here are a few tips to dealing with the concept of your inevitable death.
Have a free moment? Trick question — you’re a student. You can’t sit there and contemplate the possibility of an afterlife; you’ve got a paper on communication below the threshold of awareness to write! If that doesn’t keep you busy, I’m sure staying up all night with your math textbook will be enough to keep your mind off it.
Delegate Why worry about these things at all? You (probably) won’t have to deal with your death for at least another 50 years — why not simply put off the anxiety and delegate the responsibility to your future self? Instead of worrying about lowering your lifeless body into the ground, simply wait and ponder these thoughts while you’re dealing with other pleasant questions like “what have I done with my life?” and “why doesn’t anybody love me?”
Have a one-night stand Nothing like the adrenaline rush and thrill of a hook-up with a perfect stranger, or even someone you know for that matter. Rather than thinking about the fact that next to nobody dies peacefully in their sleep, instead think about the many joys and pleasures of sex. As you both fumble for protection, try not to fixate on terrifying statistics such as how 0.6% of all sudden deaths occur during sex.
Mystic Man 26 opening up a hidden solution by Reuben Newton
Eat What are questions of life and death when compared to a full box of Oreos? Worthless. Science fiction writers used to imagine a gun that could erase memories. Had they known that they could accomplish the same thing with a box of pizza, they may have saved themselves some time. Instead of wondering why we bother to do anything at all if it’s all going to end anyway, think instead of the sweet, sweet taste of Charleston Chew.
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16 Diversions
Maia Odegaard / Business Manager
maia@the-peak.ca
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