ParentMap May 2025 Issue by ParentMap

May 2025

Local robotics clubs pave the way to scholarships, internships and STEM careers

Mean Girls and Bully Boys

Expert tips to help kids recognize and respond to toxic friendships

Family Fun

Photo courtesy of No More Under

It’s natural for kids to make

Cover photo by Sasha Reiko

What’s the best Mother’s Day gift you’ve ever given or received?

My son’s preschool class put on a whole Mother’s Day event — songs, a dance, snacks and hand-painted vases with paper cutout flowers for the moms.

My daughter was born on Mother’s Day weekend. It doesn’t get much better than that!

I go to brunch with my best friend and give the kids the gift of sleeping in. Then, we do a family hike and the boys make me dinner.

EDITORIAL

MANAGING EDITOR

Allison Sutcliffe

ASSOCIATE EDITOR

Kari Hanson

FAMILY FUN EDITOR

Meredith Charaba

CALENDAR EDITOR

Julie Dodobara

COPY EDITOR

Sunny Parsons

CONTRIBUTORS

Gemma Alexander, Camile Gulickson, Shelley Kemmerer

DIGITAL MARKETING

MARKETING DIRECTOR

Lindsey Carter

MARKETING DESIGN SPECIALIST

Angela Goodwin

MARKETING COMMUNICATIONS

SPECIALIST

Devon Hammer

SOCIAL MEDIA SPECIALIST

Brooke Collins

ADVERTISING SALES + PARTNERSHIPS

DIRECTOR OF COMMUNITY

PARTNERSHIPS + ADVERTISING SALES

Jessica Collet

SENIOR ADVERTISING AND PARTNERSHIPS MANAGER

Ida Wicklund

EVENTS + COMMUNITY

PARTNERSHIPS SPECIALIST

Brenna McCown

ADVERTISING CLIENT SERVICES SPECIALIST

Mallory Dehbod

DIGITAL ADVERTISING + MARKETING SPECIALIST

Taryn Weiner

PRODUCTION COORDINATOR

Tamryn Nell

ART + PRODUCTION

SENIOR DESIGNER

Amy Chinn

ADMINISTRATION

BUSINESS MANAGER

Carolyn Brendel

OPERATIONS ASSISTANT Erika Widjaja

Last year I decided to forgo traditional flowers for Mother’s Day and sent my mom a flower puzzle instead. She loved it. — Allison Sutcliffe, managing editor

a trip to Disneyland with my youngest son. I loved having that special, quality one-on-one time with him.

My new yearly gift is hiring a landscaper to come in and do the first big cleanup of the year — they lay new bark and make everything look pretty.

PARENTMAP EDITORIAL ADVISORY BOARD

Benjamin Danielson, M.D. CLINICAL PROFESSOR, UW SCHOOL OF MEDICINE PRACTICING PHYSICIAN, UW MEDICINE

Joan Duffell RETIRED EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, COMMITTEE FOR CHILDREN

John Gottman, Ph.D. THE GOTTMAN INSTITUTE PROFESSOR EMERITUS, UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

Laura Kastner, Ph.D. PSYCHIATRY + BEHAVIORAL SCIENCES, UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON

Bea Kelleigh VICE PRESIDENT, DOVETAILING, LLC

Yaffa Maritz, M.A. FOUNDER, LISTENING MOTHERS + COMMUNITY OF MINDFUL PARENTING

Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, MINDSIGHT INSTITUTE

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PMB #190, 7683 S.E. 27th St., Mercer Island, WA 98040

MAY 2025, VOL. 22, NO. 5

PUBLISHER

Alayne Sulkin

Chezik Tsunoda on left. Photo courtesy of No More Under

This Seattle Mom Wants to Help Your Family Swim Safely

By Gemma Alexander

Few things are as evocative of childhood delight as splashing in cold water on a hot day.

Activities like playing Marco Polo in the pool or racing to a buoy in the lake are so joyful that it’s easy to forget how dangerous water can be. In Washington state, an estimated average of 17 children and teens drown every year. That isn’t a huge number, but Chezik Tsunoda wants people to know that those deaths are preventable. She founded the nonprofit No More Under to help families swim safely for a lifetime.

The collection of statistics about drowning is not standardized across communities, so it can be hard to get a very clear picture of the risk. In King County, there were 30 preventable drowning deaths in 2023; three of those drowned were younger than

18. Nationwide, drowning is the secondleading cause of injury-related death for children ages 1 to 14 years old, and among children ages 1 to 4 years old, most drownings occur in residential swimming pools. In most cases, the children were last seen indoors, were out of sight for less than five minutes, and were in the care of at least one parent at the time.

For every child who dies from drowning, seven children require emergency care for nonfatal submersion. Nonfatal drownings can cause brain damage with long-term disabilities that could include memory problems, learning disabilities or permanent loss of basic functioning.

Tsunoda didn’t know those terrifying statistics when her own family suffered an unthinkable tragedy. Her son Yori was only 3 years old when he slipped beneath the water in a friend’s home swimming pool. First responders were able to revive his heart, but he never regained consciousness and died in the hospital two weeks later.

No More Under

“I started researching, why did this happen? Why did this happen to our family? I had my kids in swim lessons. I thought I was doing all the right things,” says Tsunoda. “But you know, drowning is not like what it looks like in movies. There’s not screaming, there’s not a bunch of splashing. It’s quiet, and people don’t know that. People don’t know how quickly it happens. Literally, in the amount of time it takes to read and answer a text message, someone can drown. It felt really important for me to share that information with other parents who, I know, think that they’re doing the right thing.”

Another thing Tsunoda learned from research is that people of color are at higher risk of drowning.

“I didn’t realize some of the racial implications,” she says. From 2018 to 2022, the national rate of preventable drowning deaths was twice as high for African Americans as for whites. Native Americans have even higher rates.

DISCOVER

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FEATURE

continued from page 7

“When my grandparents were growing up, Jim Crow laws basically cut people of color from pool spaces,” explains Tsunoda. Even after public pools were desegregated, pools remained primarily white spaces that did not feel particularly welcoming to families of color. Noting that only 13 percent of children whose parents do not know how to swim will learn how to swim themselves, Tsunoda says, “There’s a fear around water. There are cultural barriers, informational barriers, and also socioeconomic barriers.” Nearly 80 percent of children in families with income of less than $50,000 do not know how to swim.

Motivated to save lives and eliminate the generational barriers that make swimming more dangerous for some children than others, Tsunoda founded the nonprofit No More Under.

Working with the City of Seattle, the organization helped develop the water safety and equity program Swim Seattle in 2023. Swim Seattle provides early registration for free swimming lessons to scholarshipeligible kids, hosts free weekly teen swims at select pools, participates in state Water Safety Days, and holds giveaways of life jackets and swim gear.

Now, No More Under is focused on its “Swim Safely” series, which offers weeklong swimming workshops to communities at higher risk.

“We train collegiate swimmers, athletes that are incredibly passionate about swimming, to work with children in their community,” says Tsunoda. Acting as a bridge, No More Under reserves swimming pools during school breaks and enlists instructors to teach students recruited through community organizations that support children, such as churches, the nonprofit Treehouse and low-income housing facilities. No More Under provides transportation assistance and ensures that kids have a swim cap, goggles and a swim bag to keep their things in. Finally, it helps create pathways for students who complete the five-day series to either participate in Swim Seattle or access discounts for swimming in their local pool.

“I don’t just want to say, ‘Oh, we got a kid in a pool.’ It’s like, ‘How do we make this child be a lifelong, watersafe child and potentially have a love for aquatics?’” says Tsunoda.

Swim safely

Learning to swim is the single most effective way for kids to stay safe near the water. Swimming lessons can reduce the risk of drowning by up to 88 percent,

but water safety has many layers, and No More Under is dedicated to informing parents of all the right things to do to keep their kids safe.

• No one should ever swim alone.

• Children should always inform an adult before going in the water.

• Adults should never take their eyes off children in the water. The typical lifeguard-to-swimmer ratio at public swimming areas may be as high as 25 swimmers per lifeguard. When swimming without a professional lifeguard, there should always be at least one designated “water watcher” — a responsible adult who agrees to watch the children in the water without being distracted, socializing or using their phone.

• If you own a pool, learn and follow all state and local regulations for pool and spa safety.

• Wear life jackets at all times while on

boats. “We need to be modeling for our kids that we should be wearing life jackets. We all put our helmets on when we jump on a bike, we all put our seat belts on getting into a car. We don’t have that same diligence with life jackets when we’re on boats,” say Tsunoda.

Know that swimming pools and open water present very different swimming conditions. Natural bodies of water present safety challenges that include shock-inducing temperatures (even on extremely hot days), unpredictable currents, and hidden hazards from slippery rocks and debris below the surface.

Safety conversations

Parents are often tempted to avoid talking to kids about topics that scare them, and yet, when we try to teach our kids about safety, it’s all too easy to use scare tactics. But Tsunoda says we need not frighten our children to teach them a healthy respect for water.

DISCOVER

For those who aren’t sure how to talk to their kids about water safety, No More Under partnered with YouTube channel HiHo Kids to create the video “Kids Meet a Lifeguard.” The nonprofit also advocated for the passage of Yori’s Law by the Washington State Legislature, which designates an annual Water Safety Day. This year, Water Safety Day will be marked with an event at the Kent YMCA on May 17, with activities, information booths, an open swim and possibly CPR training.

“Having the conversation as early as you can and incorporating safety into your family’s way of being around the water can really make a difference for lifelong safety,” says Tsunoda. Even though it comes with risks, swimming is a fun and healthy activity that Tsunoda wants every child to be able to enjoy for a lifetime. ■

Seattle-based freelance writer Gemma Alexander focuses on the intersection of parenting and the arts.

LOCAL RESOURCES / SCHOOLS, PRESCHOOLS + NWAIS

Building the Future

With a continued interest in STEM education and career opportunities, robotics clubs pave the way for kids

By Allison Sutcliffe

From Boeing to Microsoft to Blue Origin, many leading STEM companies have called the Puget Sound area home for decades. It’s no wonder kids who have grown up here — surrounded by innovative companies that push the boundaries of technology — are often drawn to STEM-themed activities, classes and camps. And while kids’ opportunities to gain experience in these fields are seemingly endless, local robotics clubs are a popular gateway for many.

Taking the FIRST step

When West Seattle mom Erin Cranston’s son, Cameron, was about to enter high school, she wanted to help him find an activity that would keep him engaged and focused during the next four years. So she started her search where most of us do — on Google. That’s where she discovered Skunk Works Robotics, a 4H community-based robotics team, part of FIRST (For Inspiration and Recognition of Science and Technology), an international nonprofit robotics organization.

For nearly 20 years, Skunk Works Robotics teams have provided kids with the opportunity to build and program robots used in international competitions. In Cameron’s first year, the Skunk Works team and their robot, Blackbird, made it to the FIRST Championship, held in Houston each year. Although they haven’t qualified since, both Cameron and his mom see incredible value in the program.

Cranston cites the hands-on experience for kids as a noticeable benefit. “You can’t really get any better than that,” she explains. “It’s given him [Cameron] a real-world window into what people in STEM fields — like programmers or engineers — actually do.” Many of the program mentors are former Skunk Works participants or have careers in STEM fields. So when the kids encounter a problem, or need help or direction, they can turn to people who have been there. “They bring their expertise to the team,” explains Cranston.

Kids put in hour after hour building the robot over the first half of the year. As Cranston explains, “Their learning goes far beyond theory. If something doesn’t work, they work through a process to figure it out until it does. They learn to try something new or

continued on page 14

Photo courtesy of skunkworks1983.com

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continued from page 10

different. It’s critical thinking, problem solving and learning to work as a team every day.”

Another program benefit — being able to include robotics team experience on your resume. For people familiar with the program, mentioning a team name is enough to open some doors. For others, program participation is a STEM elixir; more than 60 percent of program participants declare a major in engineering or computer science in college. Scholarships are another perk of many clubs.

Teams vary in size and commitment. Cranston estimates there are around 25 kids on this year’s Skunk Works team, but smaller and larger teams compete in the area as well. During the off-season, most kids spend a couple of days each week working on the robot. But that time commitment ratchets up during competition season, from January through March, to almost daily meetings.

Hands-on experience at any age

Although Cameron’s experience began during his freshman year of high school, kids as young as 4 years old can be part of FIRST Lego League. Preschoolers enrolled in the Discover program use Lego and Duplo bricks to build and create. Two additional Legofocused programs are also available for kids in grades

Photo courtesy of firstlegoleague.org

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2–4 (Explore) and grades 4–8 (Challenge).

FIRST Tech Challenge (FTC) is an opportunity for kids ages 12–18 to build a classroom-scale robot for competition using a reusable kit. But there are opportunities beyond robot building here too, as some kids choose to focus on fundraising or marketing for the team.

Adult mentors guide students, like Cameron, who are part of FIRST Robotics Challenge (FRC), through what it takes to design, program and eventually build an industrial-size robot to compete against teams from around the world.

Find a local club

Cranston encourages parents who are interested in finding a robotics club for their child to start with their local school. Many teams in Puget Sound are affiliated with both public and private schools. If your school does not have a program, you can find clubs in the area through the FIRST website. ■

Allison Sutcliffe is ParentMap’s managing editor.

Out + About

Sunny Santa Fe

skies and abundant adventures await in this cultural capital

If you’re looking for a laid-back family travel destination in the Southwest, one with the perfect mix of blue skies, outdoor activities, arts, culture and interesting history, it’s time to add New Mexico to your family-travel bucket list.

From the moment our plane touched down in Albuquerque to our hike to one of Santa Fe’s best views on the last day of our visit, I knew that New Mexico would be a place we’d return to again. We had taken several trips to Arizona and were looking for a different vacation spot in the sunny Southwest. Although I wasn’t sure whether the kids would love it as much as we adults

would, as soon as I started researching all the area had to offer to families, I knew we had the makings of a good trip.

What makes Santa Fe, New Mexico, so special? What we love most about Santa Fe is that somehow, despite being a very popular travel destination, it has a more laid-back feel than we had expected. It might be that we were there during a shoulder season, but the overall vibe was relaxing from start to finish. We flew into the mellow Albuquerque International Sunport on a short, direct flight from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport and picked up a rental car to make the one-hour drive to Santa Fe proper.

We noticed right away that Santa Fe has a distinctively European atmosphere. It was colonized by the Spanish in 1610 and is one of the earliest European settlements west of the Mississippi River. The Pueblo Revival style, a blend of Spanish colonial and indigenous elements, characterizes the city’s architecture, as seen in its adobe buildings, narrow streets and central plaza. Combine this with Santa Fe’s fascinating art and culture, interesting history and breathtaking landscapes, and it’s no wonder it’s such a popular place to visit.

When to visit

Santa Fe is a four-season destination, but if it’s fair weather you are looking for, the best times to visit are April–June and September–November. During the summer

season, from June through August, you’ll enjoy temperatures ranging from the 50s to the 80s as well as a full special event calendar. However, you’ll also encounter big crowds and many lodgings that already have been booked far in advance. While summer can also get hot, there are plenty of indoor activities to enjoy, such as area museums. We visited in November and experienced a perfect combination of fewer crowds and surprisingly pleasant weather, although it did get a bit brisk at night.

Unforgettable Santa Fe experiences with kids

Immerse yourself in Santa Fe’s rich history on a walking tour of the Santa Fe Plaza and historic district.

You could spend days exploring Santa Fe on self-guided or guided walking tours. Santa Fe is the oldest state capital in the United States, with an intriguing blend of indigenous, Spanish and American traditions, and there are historic and artistic surprises to delight around every corner.

Begin by exploring the historic district and Santa Fe Plaza and the Palace of the

Story and photos by Camille Gullickson

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Governors, which was built in 1610 and is the oldest public building in continuous use in the U.S. All year long, Native American craftspeople — primarily jewelry makers who have met rigorous requirements — sell their wares at the Palace, making it a great spot for gift shopping. Another interesting historic stop is San Miguel Chapel, the oldest church in the United States, and we loved gazing at The Cathedral Basilica of St. Francis of Assisi when it was lit up at night. We also enjoyed peeking into art gallery windows and appreciated all the street art, such as the Instagrammable burro sculpture on Burro Alley.

For fun, download Tourism Santa Fe’s self-guided tours, which have themes like the Breakfast Burrito Tour, the Chocolate Trail and the Santa Fe Food Truck Tour. If you’d prefer to have an expert be your guide, Santa Fe Discovery Walking Tours is well-regarded, with interesting themes, such as the Downtown Santa Fe Ghost Tour. Children of a certain age get free admission to many of the walking tours.

Extend your Santa Fe walking tours to the revitalized historic Railyard, Farmers’ Market and Artisan Market. While you can combine the city core and the Santa Fe Railyard on one of your walks, that’s a lot to see and do, especially for kids. We dedicated a separate afternoon to The Railyard, about a 17-minute walk southwest of the city’s central plaza, and still didn’t fit

Photography by Olga Dmitrieva

continued from page 20

everything in. The Railyard served as an interchange of three railroads in the late19th and early-20th centuries. Today, it is a revitalized modern urban area with restaurants, shopping, a movie theater, the award-winning Railyard Park (with 28 individual gardens, art and a children’s playground), street art, and the thriving Santa Fe Farmers’ Market and the Railyard Artisan Market. Tip: Download a free North Railyard map.

Interact with art like never before at the original Meow Wolf immersive art experience. Once you set foot inside Meow Wolf’s “House of Eternal Return,” a fantastical Victorian home with a detailed backstory and passages to unexpected worlds, you’ll want to spend days there. Meow Wolf is highly interactive — combining art, technology and story — asking you to follow clues to solve the mystery of what hap-

pened to the family that once lived there. Along the way, you’ll discover many portals (the washing machine was a hit with our family!), and you can walk through on repeat and experience something new every time. Meow Wolf was founded in 2008 by a small collective of Santa Fe artists who wanted to “inspire creativity, exploration, and play for all ages”; it now has five exhibitions around the country.

General admission starts at $40.

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Follow in the footsteps of the Ancestral Pueblo peoples at breathtaking Bandelier National Monument.

Our older teen is not a big fan of hiking, but visiting Bandelier National Monument ended up being one of the highlights of our trip. Bandelier protects the traditional ancestral lands of more than 23 tribal nations and encompasses 33,000 acres of canyons and mesas, with their petroglyphs, cliff dwellings and beautiful landscapes.

We had the Tsankawi Village Trail, on State Road 4 just outside the main section of the park, mostly to ourselves. We enjoyed this 1.6-mile loop along a mesa, which features cave dwellings, petroglyphs and an Ancestral Puebloan village. We then visited the main visitor center and walked the popular Pueblo Loop Trail, which, though a must-see, is much more crowded than the

Tsankawi Trail, even in the off-season. This 1.4-mile loop meanders through fascinating archeological sites, and you can even climb ladders to cavate alcoves, but be prepared to wait.

The cost of a standard pass is $15–$25. You can also purchase an annual park pass for $45 or use your America the Beautiful Pass to enter the park.

Tip: If you can, pay a visit to Valles Caldera National Preserve, about 30 minutes away. The name says it all: The big draw here is a dormant volcano.

Experience the joy of working with clay at the bustling ceramics co-op Paseo Pottery.

If you’ve never tried throwing a pot, let me tell you, it’s harder than it looks! We enjoyed a private two-hour pottery wheel experience led by a skilled Santa Fe ceramics artist at the Paseo Pottery studio, located in the same neighborhood as Meow Wolf, and it was one of the highlights of our trip. During the pottery session, you’ll enjoy beverages, a tour of the studio and a comprehensive wheel-throwing lesson. This class is focused on wheel basics, and you don’t fire, glaze or take your creation home.

The cost is $115 per person. Sessions can be booked online. If you’re on a tighter budget, the studio offers walk-in pottery-painting sessions daily from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. The cost for this is $35 per person. Pieces are ready for pickup between three and five days later, and shipping is available.

Tip: Make sure you bring or wear clothes that you’re comfortable getting dirty, because that is part of the fun.

LETMEBE MYSELF:

continued from page 23

Learn about a dark but fascinating part of our country’s history at the Manhattan Project National Historical Park in Los Alamos.

Stopping in Los Alamos, one of three main sites of the Manhattan Project National Historical Park, was a spontaneous add-on to our day trip to Bandelier, and it turned out to be one of the highlights for our older teen. The Manhattan Project was a top-secret government project during World War II. Its mission was to design, build and deploy atomic weapons before Nazi Germany did. Isolated on the top of a mesa, Los Alamos provided an ideal setting for this secret operation, which was led by J. Robert Oppenheimer. Drop by the visitor center to speak with a ranger, visit the Bradbury Science Museum, and take a guided or self-guided historical walking tour (which includes a visit to Oppenheimer’s house). The historical tour features multiple perspectives as well as historical context.

This is a free experience.

Tips: Download the National Park Service app ahead of time to queue up a map for your self-guided tour.

Be inspired by one of the most significant artists of the 20th century at the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum. I’ve always loved smaller art museums, because they don’t overwhelm; they also serve as a wonderful way to introduce children to art. The Georgia O’Keeffe Museum, while smaller in scale than most art museums, houses the world’s largest collection of this iconic artist’s work. Georgia O’Keeffe, an American modernist painter, is considered to be the first woman to gain the respect of New York City’s art world in the 1920s, and is renowned for her paintings of flowers and desert landscapes. The museum introduces you to the breadth of her career, and houses everything from her lesser-known early works to her famous landscapes. You can also visit her home and studio at Abiquiu.

General admission to the museum is $22, $12 for kids ages 6–18, and free for kids younger than 5. Tickets can be purchased online in advance.

Tip: We enjoyed a pick-me-up at The Royal Rawness, just a short walk away from the museum. It offers fair trade coffee drinks (cocoa, too), yummy baked goods for the kids, and a nice atmosphere, with a chess set indoors and fire pits outside. ■

Camille Gullickson was born in Seattle, raised on Whidbey Island and has lived in Oregon since 2007. After many years working in the nonprofit sector, she is currently focused on freelance writing and contracted projects while exploring the Pacific Northwest and beyond with her family.

Raising Great Kids

Helping Your Child Navigate Toxic Friendships

By Kari Hanson

My son came home from school feeling upset — again. His “best friend” ignored him at lunch, threw rocks at him at recess and made fun of his sweatshirt. These things seemed to be happening more and more, and I was starting to worry. This friendship was starting to feel more harmful than healthy. Yet my son said he still wanted to play with this friend all the time. What was going on?

I wanted to help my son recognize the signs of his unhealthy, toxic friendship and encourage him to build other, more positive relationships. But how?

I was lucky enough to talk with two local experts — Laura Kastner, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington; and Julietta Skoog, Ed.S., a certified advanced positive discipline trainer — about toxic friendship. They shared invaluable information and advice about how to identify what a toxic friendship is (and isn’t), signs that your child might be experiencing one, and how to help them navigate those tricky waters and build valuable life skills along the way.

What is a toxic friendship? Relationships are complicated, for adults and kids. We all grow and change, and even the closest friendships have mo-

ments (or seasons) of unhappiness. Sometimes we are even drawn toward relationships with a “frenemy,” someone who is a friend but also a rival. (Think of Jim and Dwight from “The Office.”) But a toxic friendship goes far beyond that.

“A toxic relationship implies mutual harm,” says Kastner. She explains that in a toxic friendship, parents may notice “manipulation, control and a negative impact on well-being for at least one person, usually both. At least one feels undermined, unsupported, constantly criticized. These traits are generally the same for all ages, but tend to get more sophisticated with age.”

This is different from bullying, which Kastner says is generally defined as “a relationship of torment over time between two people with unequal power.” Unlike bullying, she says, a toxic friend can build you up and include you, and often you want to be around that friend. But there is also degrading, undermining behavior along the way.

Is my child experiencing a toxic friendship?

Kids are growing and learning all the time, about all aspects of life, friendship included. So it’s natural for kids to make mistakes or hurt a friend’s feelings; that’s just part of growing up. Kastner says kids are exploring power dynamics from an early age, and some social cruelty is normal and expected. But one key to identifying a toxic friendship is the “frequency, intensity and pattern” of how these negative aspects of friendship are being used.

Changes in behavior are an indicator that parents should pay attention to if they think their child might be involved in a harmful friendship. Skoog says to watch for indicators such as your child “not sleeping very well, or not eating, or if they used to love going to the park after school and suddenly they want to go home right away. Or if they suddenly don’t want to participate in a sport they used to love so much.” Other signs that your child is dealing with a toxic friendship might include your child no longer knowing what they want to wear

(out of fear they will be made fun of), or telling you they can’t be friends with someone because it’s “not allowed.”

What parents can do to help

The thought of a child experiencing a toxic friendship is scary, but luckily, there are lots of things parents can do to help their children navigate these rough waters and learn important life skills, as well.

Be curious

When you are watching your child experience a toxic friendship, it is easy to jump to conclusions about the other child involved. But demonizing the other child

If your child knows that you don’t like their friend, or you display a big emotional reaction to something they tell you, they will become much less likely to share things with you in the future.

will never help you understand what is going on in the friendship, or why your child is continuing to engage in it. Kastner recommends stepping back, looking at the friendship and asking, “I wonder what the attraction is?” Why does the child who is being toxic want to hang around and be friends with your child? What is it about this toxic friend that is keeping your child attached to the relationship?

There are likely many factors, and you might not have the information to truly understand them all, but start from a place of curiosity and empathy. “Curious and not critical.

The moment you malign their friend, it’s over,” says Kastner.

Ask questions

When it comes to understanding friendship dynamics, Kastner says that parents should “always ask questions, never advise kids.” If your child knows that you don’t like their friend, or you display a big emotional reaction to something they tell you, they will become much less likely to share things with you in the future. Try not to be anxious or reactive; your goal is to gather as much information as you can, and big emotional

continued from page 27 reactions that shut down communication are not helpful. “The exact thing you want, to keep an open door for interviewing or problem solving, will close when they know you are upset or distraught,” says Kastner.

Ask your child questions about how the friendship feels, how are they weighing the pros and cons in the relationship. Try to stay as neutral as possible.

For example, when my son was dealing with a challenging friendship in elementary

of observation, curiosity — of truly listening, really listening to them, before accessing all of these tools and strategies.”

If we come in too fast and hard with solutions and help, we are robbing kids of the opportunity to learn how to navigate challenging relationships, a life skill many adults are still working on.

Talk through the friendship

It’s often helpful to talk through a tough situation, and friendships are no exception. Ask your child what the pros and cons of

If we come in too fast and hard with solutions and help, we are robbing kids of the opportunity to learn how to navigate challenging relationships, a life skill many adults are still working on.

school, I would ask him how his other friends treated him. Did his other friends throw rocks at him at recess? Did they yell at him when he tried to play with other kids? When he said no, we talked about what that might mean, how he felt about the way his other friends treated him compared to how the toxic friend made him feel. Those conversations helped him see the behavior he liked to receive from friends, as well as to identify what he did not enjoy. Skoog says, “Through curiosity, let kids decide for themselves if the friendship isn’t right for them.”

Listen, listen, listen

It is so difficult to watch your child struggle, especially when their struggles may mirror similar ones from your own childhood. Middle school was a fraught time for me when it came to friendships. Watching my own kids struggle through those murky waters was gut-wrenching. I wanted to shout, “No! Not that! Do this!” with the hope of keeping them from experiencing some of the pain I remember.

“So often, we try to go into fix-it mode,” says Skoog, “but there has to be this period

the friendship are. Do they think the pros outweigh the cons? Or are the cons harsh and harmful enough to outweigh the pros? Let your child know it’s normal for these things to change, and for friendships to have ups and downs. Make sure they know you are open and available to talk whenever they need to.

Skoog likes to talk about friendships as a roller coaster: They have many ups and downs over time, periods when you will feel connected or disconnected with your friend. She draws a “friendship timeline” and walks through these times of connection and disconnection to help children see these patterns.

“I love being able to draw out the friendship timeline, because it feels less intense than talking and more objective. Then I lean into curiosity and emotions so they can begin to think for themselves and grow their own reflection skills about the pattern of a relationship,” Skoog wrote in her blog post “Talking to kids about friendships.”

Another great tool for helping your child deal with a toxic friendship is to role-play.

When the hard moments come up with friends, you are probably not going to be there. Role-play helps give your child tools and strategies so they are ready to face tough moments without you.

Provide positive social experiences

While telling your child they are not allowed to hang out with the toxic friend will likely result in a backlash, you can provide other opportunities for positive social engagement. Invite family friends over for dinner and game night. Go on a family hike. Sign your child up for a sports team or other group activities. Parents can help minimize the harm of a toxic friend simply by providing other positive social interactions and experiences.

While this is eminently easier to do with elementary-age children, parents can help provide positive social experiences for older kids, too. Offer to drive them and a few friends to a movie theater, or splurge and get a few tickets to a Seattle Sounders or Storm game. The goal is to “make a good day for them in another social sphere,” says Kastner.

Empower them to seek help or take a break

We all want our kids to learn independence and how to advocate for themselves. If the toxic friendship is showing up at school and your child wants support, encourage them to reach out to their teacher or school counselor. “When you can empower kids to talk to the teacher or ask for help, that’s skill building,” says Skoog. If they are too young to reach out themselves, parents can take this step to help kids get the support they need.

Sometimes, a friendship break is the best decision. This does not need to be a big dramatic breakup with the friend, and no one needs to be made into a villain. Sometimes it’s just the way life goes, and Skoog’s language of connection and disconnection provides a helpful touchpoint. Sometimes these disconnections will happen naturally, especially with a social change, such as the end of a school year or sports season. By providing the other

positive social experiences previously mentioned, you can help your child deepen connections with other friends and lessen the impact of disconnecting from their toxic friend.

“Let it be messy by allowing kids to practice, to make mistakes, to mess up, and try again. This is what growing is all about.”

Set firm boundaries when necessary

Sometimes a strong boundary needs to be set, especially if illegal or dangerous behaviors are starting to show up in the toxic friendship. For example, if your child and their friend are caught with drugs or alcohol, it might be time to take a break from seeing that friend outside of school. Will your child be mad and fight this decision? Probably, but that’s okay. Be confident in your decision and tell them you can reassess in a few months. This does not have to be a lifetime ban on a friend, but sometimes a break is necessary when there are known dangerous behaviors.

Even if your tween or teen is upset by your decision, it’s possible that they are secretly relieved, too. Many kids get stuck in social groups and behaviors that they do not know how to get out of, and having those options simply taken away from them can come as a relief, whether they tell you or not.

As parents, watching your child experience a toxic friendship can feel scary. We want to protect them, to fix things. But learning how to navigate hard situations and relationships is a valuable skill, and by supporting our kids, rather than solving problems for them, we are giving them a gift.

“Let go of the control,” Skoog says. “Let it be messy by allowing kids to practice, to make mistakes, to mess up, and try again. This is what growing is all about.” ■

Kari Hanson is ParentMap’s associate editor.

Additional resources recommended by Julietta Skoog

“The Not So Friendly Friend” (Pre-K–K)

“A Friend Like You” (Elementary)

May Play List

Music, museums and celebrating Mom top our list

Check out many more happenings online at parentmap.com/calendar

By Julie Dodobara

May is for moms, so be sure to celebrate all the moms in your family’s life this month, whether it be Mom, Grandma or a mom figure! Plan on making memories by indulging in springtime delights, such as visiting baby animals, hitching a ride on a mini train or catching a cruise that offers some sweet, sweet ice cream. There’s a lot to do, so pack your month full of joy, fun and family!

� Plan a jaunt to Buckley’s Maris Farms for its Baby Animals and Blooms fest and revel in the season of new beginnings. Snap seasonal photos by the tulip fields, buy goodies at the farm market and visit animals. You can also ride the cow train, play gaga ball and cruise down the tube slides. Saturday–Sunday, April 26–27, May 3–4 and 11–12. Prices start at $18–$20; book tickets online.

� Kids and kids at heart won’t want to miss “Toytopia,” a current exhibit at Washington State History Museum, which showcases the history of toys through an amazing array of nostalgic childhood favorites. Visitors can get hands on

in a Lego play area, play ’80s arcade games, tinker with train tracks and more. The exhibit continues through June 5 and is included with museum admission: $17 adult, $11 student, ages 5 and younger are free.

� Load up all your railroad fans in the car and treat them to a day trip to Skykomish to enjoy unlimited free rides on scale mini trains. Saturday, May 3 is the first day of the season for the Great Northern and Cascade Railway as it welcomes enthusiasts of all ages. Trains continue to run on Saturdays through October.

� Take a break from screens and instead, head out to a local

shop and score a free comic book! This enticing giveaway happens annually on Free Comic Book Day, when local participating comic book shops give out free comics. Mark your calendar for Saturday, May 3, and get the entire crew reading.

� It’s a fiesta for the whole family! Gather with the community to celebrate Cinco de Mayo at Redmond’s Downtown Park on Sunday, May 4. Beginning at 11 a.m., this seven-hour event is packed with traditional Mexican culture, including lively music, dancing and lots of delicious food. Free; food for purchase.

Highlighted Events for May

� After a year’s absence, Seattle’s sweetest water tour is back and on a new route, but it’s as much fun as ever! Hop aboard the Ice Cream Cruise at Fisherman’s Terminal and take an informative tour of Lake Union sights while savoring a cool ice cream treat. You can even bring your pooch. The 45-minute tours start Sunday, May 4 and continue weekly through October. Fares $15–$23.

� Our ParentEd Talk series welcomes Lenore Skenazy, co-founder of Let Grow and author of “Free-Range Kids,” to share her personal journey of raising confident, self-reliant kids by resisting the pressures of hyperinvolved parenting. Register and join us Tuesday, May 6, at noon, or receive the recording to watch anytime. $10 per talk or $50 for the entire 12-talk series. Members of partner schools join for free.

� Say aloha to the Seattle Children’s Theatre’s latest show, “The Pa‘akai We Bring,” and be immersed in a generational story of salt farmers on Kaua‘i sprinkled with ancient stories, hula, songs, live music and audience participation. Best for ages 7 and older, this one-hour show opens May 8. Tickets $30–$45.

� Join the celebration and experience the Spirit of Africa through traditional and modern music and dance at the next Seattle Center Festál series event on Saturday, May 10. Don’t miss the music, cultur-

May 6 | Tuesday

ParentEd Talks

“Let Go and Let Grow: Raising Confident, Independent Children”

Online

al workshops and interactive exhibits representing cultures from African countries and the African diaspora. Free.

� It’s all the fun kids could want in one place — and it’s all free at the Lacey Spring Fun Fair, happening Saturday–Sunday, May 17–18. This weekend-long event features free rides, inflatables, live entertainment, circus train, pony rides and a car show on Sunday! Returning this year is the STEAM fair on Saturday — get ready to play!

� Expect big smiles and plenty of “oohs and aahs” as big rigs, garbage trucks and emergency vehicles roll out on Saturday, May 17 for the admiration of young truck fanatics. Sammamish welcomes the community back to its free, hands-on Rig-A-Palooza event, which also features bouncy houses, face painting, a balloon artist and more. 11 a.m.–2 p.m.

� Hipp Hipp Hurra! The beloved 17th of May Parade returns on Saturday, May 17. Head to the heart of Ballard for marching bands, elementary kids on unicycles, Scandinavian organizations and the gathering of the whole neighborhood on this special day. The parade starts at 4 p.m. and runs along Northwest Market Street.

� A Memorial Day weekend tradition going back more than 50 years, our community’s iconic Northwest Folklife Festival welcomes all to Seattle Center Friday–Monday, May 23–26.

May 8–June 1

“The Pa‘akai We Bring” Seattle Children’s Theatre

The festival’s theme for 2025 is ikigai, a combination of two Japanese words meaning “life worth living.” Bring the kids to this free family-friendly festival to partake in amazing performances, cultural traditions, ideas and people-watching.

� On Memorial Day, Monday, May 26, honor local service members who have died as well as veterans and active military during Arlington’s annual Memorial Day Parade. The parade begins at 10 a.m. and runs along North Olympic Avenue.

May 31–June 1

HONK! Fest West Seattle

� HONK! Fest West invites families for all kinds of spirited mobile music — marching bands, drum lines and street bands — playing for free in three Seattle locales. Join the festivities on Friday, May 30, 6–10 p.m. in the Georgetown neighborhood; Saturday, May 31, noon–8 p.m. at Columbia Park; and noon–6 p.m. on Sunday, June 1 at Pratt Park. ■

Julie Dodobara is ParentMap’s calendar editor.