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C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 08 - 14 March, 2020 I Issue 161 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

History will judge my position of wanting to negotiate with Coronavirus kindly: PM

rIMe Minister Imran Khan said on Friday that his decision to engage the cOVID-19 virus in a meaningful dialogue might be controversial at the present but will eventually turn out to be correct. “History will judge me well,” he said, speaking to reporters, while wearing a facemask himself. “they call me corona Khan now, but eventually, we all know what’s going to happen.” earlier, Defence Minister Pervez Khattak,

in an official press release, said that he would let the virus open an office in Pakistan. “It’s a shadowy network, we understand. and also the fact that we don’t know who is in charge. But whoever is, indeed, calling the shots, should step – or infect – forward and let us know what else do they want. Like, maybe a couple of LeD screens? Food Panda credits for the office? Free fresh bodies? What?” the Prime Minister’s words are already

proving to be right as the trump administration in US is considering shutting down all anti-cOVID-19 initiatives, citing it as a waste for tax payers’ dollars and that the republican party would never stand for such reckless expenditures. “Back when america was great, we used to gets infected and soldier on. What a pansies these new kids are,” tweeted President trump, shortly before dying from the virus. g

Satire

70,000 Pakistani deaths small price to pay for ensuring girls don’t go to school in Qandahar: asad Durrani (This is a satirical work of fiction)

US grateful to Pakistan for facilitating historic deal by ensuring other side’s presence

WASHINGTON/ISLAMABAD –

ecretary of State Mike Pompeo has expressed gratitude on behalf of the US for Pakistan’s role in facilitating the historic deal with the taliban, diplomatic sources have informed the Dependent. In a call with Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi on thursday, Pompeo acknowledged that the deal and the talks preceding them would’ve been impossible without the role that Pakistan has played. “Both of us know that without Pakistan, the historic peace deal would not have been finalised, because we both know that without Pakistan there would not have been the other side with which the US would sign the

agreement,” Pompeo told Qureshi, multiple sources confirmed. “Hence, it gives me immense pleasure to thank you on behalf of President Donald trump, who is grateful that Pakistan ensured the other side’s presence with all parties timing the accord perfectly for the year 2020,” Pompeo added. During the phone call both Pompeo and Qureshi agreed that by ensuring the taliban’s presence for the peace talks, Pakistan has done a commendable job for all parties. However, it was reaffirmed that the job wasn’t done yet. “the same job needs to continue going forward, because, as you know, such developments will be beneficial for rulers in both countries,” Qureshi told Pompeo. g

the policy of covertly keeping safe havens for the aghan taliban, who would in turn covertly help local taliban, did result in more than 70,000 Pakistani fatalities but was a small price in order to achieve a larger goal, said retired Lieutenant General asad Durrani on Monday. “collateral damage,” said the

former spymaster in an exclusive interview with al Jazeera’s Mehdi Hassan. “this was the price that we paid for this sort of game. It’s a high stakes game.” “Nothing comes free of cost. this is not a game for the weak hearted people,” he said. “We had a strategic objective to ensure girls in Qandahar and, indeed, the

whole of southern afghanistan, don’t go to school and, by God, we achieved it.” “I’m not trying to justify anything. I am not even trying to describe what is good and bad. all I am saying to the relatives of the victims of terrorism is that all this was for a good cause and a larger strategic interest: keeping girls out of school in south afghanistan.” g

Satire

“HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY..”

US, Taliban observe emotional moment of silence for Osama Bin Laden

He negotiations between the afghan taliban and the United States ended on an emotional note when they observed a moment of silence in the memory of Osama Bin Laden. “He would have been so happy right now,” said Zabihullah Mujahid. “I hope he is looking down on us right now and is seeing this.” “Please, when I agreed to this

moment of silence, I was assured it would, indeed, be a moment of silence,” said US special representative Zalmay Khalilzad, who was also in tears. “Be silent in the moment of silence.” Members of the afghan delegation used special filters on tiktok, placing the image of Osama Bin Laden enclosed in a heart-shape within the photo of Khalilzad and the head of the afghan delegation shaking hands. g

Satire

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 08 -14 March, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Yew Shutt Aaahhpp!! No one even spits on you, dear reader

ou’ve gone above and beyond, haven’t you? You dared speak over me? True, you’re reading this but it’s still my voice, so to speak, over which you thought, and hence spoke. I demand complete attention, reader. I don’t put up with anything else. Complete, unadulterated

attention while I have my say. I played Solitaire quietly on my office computer while you had your say but now you have gone too far. oh, what is that you say? That you will stop subscribing to this paper? Well, in that case, I am terribly sorry. I hadn’t had a bit to eat and was hangry. Let it go; such things happen between good editors and readers.

Are we cool? In this issue: finally our national dream of keeping girls - and, fingers crossed, boys - out of school in southern Afghanistan is close to fruition. Soon, maybe girls might not be able to go to school even in parts of Pakistan but that is mere collateral damage that one pays for the pursuit of a larger goal. g

OPINION

Now I am boycotting Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar till he says something that merits another boycott

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

By To The PoinT Mansoor

am sure all of you watched my show on Wednesday. It was designed and produced precisely so that everyone from every side, including those without any side or interest, watches the show – or at least some of it on social media. And as you nod at having watched the show, the strategy stands vindicated. I personally belong to the school of thought that condemns everything Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar said and stands for. Therefore, I even decided to start my show by conveying that I actually thought long and hard whether such a man should be invited and given space. That gave me the moral high ground, which I stood on throughout the show. Now, getting the moral high ground at Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar’s expense is hardly an achievement. What is truly an achievement, as the couple of days following the show confirmed, is cashing in on Khalil-urRehman Qamar while also getting bucket loads of brownie points. Think about this, the host of the

show the day before mine, is rightly being bashed for letting Khalil-urRehman Qamar go on a rampage of abuse. I, however, am being appreciated for taking the above mentioned moral high ground, even though I simultaneously contradicted it by creating a show that was more about Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar than about the ideals that the show claimed to uphold. Consider this, I could have hosted a show and invited feminist voices to address misconceptions regarding Aurat March. A small segment of that could’ve included criticism of Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar and his views and doings. But by inviting Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar himself, and making the show about him – even to bash him – and simultaneously inviting a renowned misogynist Aamir Liaquat – another TRP hog – to do it, I hit the goldmine. I mean who is going to watch a show where mere progressive ideals are shared and ideas are discussed. After the show on the previous day cashed in on the abuse spree, I only

had a small window to do the same – but of course, from the other position. Because of course it was only going to be a matter of time before PEMRA came into the scene, not just against the other channel, but also against this golden egg laying goose that I just had to get on board in the nick of time. I am grateful that everything went according to plan and we successfully managed to achieve all our targets – and then some. But now that the goals have been fulfilled and the goose cashed in on, it is now time to take a veritable position on my principles. Now, even before PEMRA takes any action, I have decided to announce a boycott of Khalil-urRehman Qamar and hereby confirm that I will not be inviting him to my show. This boycott is valid till he does something similarly obnoxious and it prompts another boycott – before which I will have to invite him on my show to condemn him, till the next boycott-worthy moment. g

SAtIRe

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C MYK Sunday, 08 - 14 March, 2020

WORLD

Ultrasensitive Modi deactivates Facebook after being cyberbullied by victims of communal massacre

M World’s women urged to take responsibility of cutting and distributing Women’s Day cake around oﬃces

n a heartwarming display of women empowerment, the management of all the offices of the world urged the women workforce to take a leadership role in baking, cutting and distributing the slices of the Women’s Day cake around the office. “We could have asked the men to do the same, but the women are just somehow better at this sort of stuff,” said the nation’s CeOs, in unison. “We feel we are playing to our strengths.”

Reiterating their belief in the ability of women to perform certain tasks as well, even better than men, they said that it was not only the cutting the distributing of the cake that the women could do better than the men, but also baking the cake in the first place. “at the moment, this is the only aspect of the professional life where we have given women a leadership role. Soon, we will be a able to assign them other critical tasks, like

planning the office picnic.” “If this isn’t a sign of our belief in female empowerment, then I don’t know what is,” said Syed Zia Rizvi, CeO of RaviTech, a software development firm. “I’m serious. I don’t know.” “I could really use a cup of coffee right about now. The office staff is out on a run. Ms huma, would be nice enough to make me one,” he said, to the organisation’s only engineer with a masters degree. g

ean and inconsiderate bullies, hailing from among the friends and families of those being killed and injured in the ongoing communal massacre in new Delhi, have forced the ultrasensitive Indian Prime Minister narendra Modi to deactivate his social media accounts in what is the latest high-profile example of cyberbullying. Modi, who has been relentlessly targeted by the opposition, critics and nationwide bullies, who have come out on the street to criticise him in massive numbers, took to the social media to reveal that he is considering completely leaving social media, owing in large part to the vicious

campaigns that are designed specifically to malign him. Digital rights activists belonging to the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) have raised their voices against this blatant cyberbullying against an especially sensitive individual. The activists claim that freedom of speech doesn’t mean allowance for cybercrime against vulnerable individuals. “We are listening to the genuine concerns of the cases of cyberbullying originating in new Delhi, and we have little choice other than to silence these voices,” said Pragya Singh Thakur, the ruling Bharatiya Janata Party’s (BJP) Lok Sabha Member, who is also an activist fighting for the rights of narendra Modi. g

Satire

Sunday, 08 - 14 March, 2020

KRQ

“i didn’t know wHat to do!”

Khalil Qamar should go to psychiatrist who treats me after my misogynistic outbursts: Aamir Liaquat

Karachi

Had no idea wild hyena i had on my live show would try to eat co-panellist: anchor

new delhi

he Islamabad high Court (IhC) on Wednesday issued notices to the election Commission of Pakistan (eCP), Federal Minister for Water Resources Faisal Vawda, and others, in a case pertaining to the minister hiding his dual status from officials. an investigative report published in The Dependent earlier this month had made the startling revelation that Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) leader Vawda concealed the fact that he was a man-child. Vawda’s lawyer, when contacted, was adamant that his client would not be disqualified on such ‘frivolous’ grounds.

eMBeR of national assembly, televangelist and uniquely selfremolding specimen aamir Liaquat advised film and drama writer Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar to visit the same psychiatrist that he goes to every time he has misogynistic outbursts. In an exclusive interview with The Dependent, a day after saying on a television show that Qamar is in need of psychiatric treatment, Liaquat said that

regularly visiting the concerned doctor has significantly helped him channelise his own sexism. “I mean I’ve always been pretty flexible and can mould myself into many shapes and sizes, but given my own history of misogyny, for me to be invited to school another misogynist is special, even by my own elastic standards,” the Pakistan Tehrike-Insaf (PTI) leader said. “Only recently have I said that ‘item girl’ Mahwish hayat shouldn’t be allowed to have

opinions, and used a Bollywood song for a Sherry Rehman picture. and now here I am, prescribing treatment for other misogynists,” he added. When asked who the doctor was that he consults while dealing with misogynistic outburst, aamir Liaquat said that it was he himself. “I have learnt to learn and unlearn – learn the profitable and unlearn the unprofitable. and I’m happy to teach it, if it is sufficiently profitable for me, of course,” he maintained. g

Satire

“It is quite clear from interacting with my client that though he might have the body of a fully developed man, his statements are at a Class 4 level,” said advocate Rafay hassan. “Will all people contesting elections now also have to declare other obvious facts like they inhale oxygen to metabolise?” “In fact, I would like to sa–,” said hassan, before he was interrupted by Vawda, who said something in his lawyer’s ear. “Yes, yes, we will stop by at McDonald’s when we go back. Yes, I know you want the regular meal but want the happy Meal Toy so we’ll order a happy Meal as well, now please let me talk to this journalist uncle here, okay?”. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

NATIONAL 05 ali Zafar starts working on song and video he’ll release in four days next year

Sunday, 08 - 14 March, 2020

National conscience dead as dam fund donation box outside Saqib Nisar’s son’s wedding remains empty

new low of national unity was reached here in Lahore on Sundy, after the dam fund donation box set up at the entrance to the wedding of Najam Saqib, the son of former Chief Justice Saqib Nisar, went empty. The private affair held in Lahore had set up a small metal box with a lock on it for guests to pitch in donations for the Chief Justice-Prime Minister dam fund. however, according to reports, no money was collected. Justice Nisar, who even after retirement remains dedicated to his most prized project, let his

public life and dedication to the building of the Diamer-Bhasha dam seep into the private despite his family objected. “We told daddy not to do this. It looks so tacky, but we also know how dedicated he is and that he would never listen to us” Najam Saqib told The Dependent. “everyone knew it would be embarrassing, but sometimes we just have to bear with how much he loves his work.” “I am deeply hurt and disappointed. I thought the nation would rally around me at this

point, especially after I got locked out of my home” said Justice (r) Nisar. “We even kept the halls open after 10PM to ensure maximum donation but nothing” he said shaking his head with a gold embroidered silk hankerchief. “These thieves have stolen this country’s wealth and now have kille the national conscience as well” he said, wiping a single tear away with his Anita Dongre sherwani. “This is a dark day for the country indeed” he said as the lights the wedding venue dimmed and the Chinese fireworks started. . g

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CToR, singer and musician who came up with his latest track ‘Mela Loot Liya’ as an official song for the ongoing Pakistan Super League (PSL) as a means of self-healing, has displayed expert foresightedness by recognising the time that he is likely to need similar therapy for deprivation of much needed attention, The Dependent has reliably learnt. After producing his latest song within a span of six days to coincide with the fifth season of the PSL, the hardworking Ali Zafar has already started working on the composition and video for the track that he will release in four days this time next year. Sources within Ali Zafar’s entourage have confirmed that next year’s PSL song would follow the same pattern that was followed this year. “The project involves cashing in on the misplaced support of the masses who, conveniently for us, somehow see a victim in Ali Zafar. We’ll get renowned bloggers on board to further soften the image, get TV

anchors to invite Ali Zafar on the show and urge him to make another PSL song, while the official song for the next PSL would already be in the process of being vocally disliked – as most things are on social media,” said a member of the entourage. “The video for that song too would require audience participation, almost all of which will be prerecorded. And with the composition already ready, the song would appear out of nowhere only within four days,” the entourage member added. Sources further revealed that Ali Zafar is actually giving himself more time to produce next year’s song given that he isn’t quite as happy with the response to this year’s track. “of course, the involuntary support came, but the overall response wasn’t as overwhelming. That and of course Khalil-ur-Rehman Qamar took a lot of our share of attention away,” said another close aide of Ali Zafar. g

Satire

Sunday, 08 - 14 March, 2020

SPORTS

runs beyond means: NaB summons Qalandars owner, coach

lahore

he National Accountability Bureau (NAB) on Wednesday summoned the Lahore Qalandars owner Fawad Rana and coach Aaqib Javed in inquiries related to runs beyond means. The NAB has directed Rana and Javed to appear before the Combined Investigation Team on March 9, the rest day for the ongoing Pakistan Super League. In its notice issued to the Qalandars owner, the anti-graft body asked him to bring the PSL record of the asset owned by him and his family over the past five seasons. Rana is likely to be grilled about the runs scored by the asset owned by him and his dependents. The development comes a day after Lahore Qalandars scored an astonishing 209 runs in the first innings of their 37-run win against defending champions Quetta Gladiators at the Gaddafi Stadium in Lahore. Poised for a below par total at 61/3 in 10 overs, Qalandars smashed

115 runs in the last seven overs to post a daunting target, which the Gladiators failed to chase down. Given that the team looked to be following its traditional route till the halfway mark of their innings, and the fact that the runs appeared to surface out of nowhere, question marks have been raised over the ownership of the resources from which the runs have been extracted. This in turn has prompted the NAB inquiry into the Qalandars displaying runs beyond logical means. Sources within the NAB believe that Fawad Rana will find it hard to satisfy investigators, and if the Qalandars perform similarly again, he will likely be summoned again. The bureau is likely to include Qalandars captain, Sohail Akhtar, as part of investigation, with sources claiming that his designation and skillset will be used as grounds to establish that the Lahore team simply could not have access to the runs they posted on the board on Tuesday. g

Relu katta meets two time World Cup winning captain

lahore

relu katta on Wednesday met the two time World Cup winning captain in what was a much publicised meeting. The meetup amidst the ongoing Pakistan Super League (PSL) gathered further importance given that it saw the only captain in the history of cricket to win the World T20 twice meet with the man who many describe as a political relu katta. Relu katta, in local parlance, literally means the blindfolded

calf that does not exercise its own will and wanders in accordance with the given instructions. The term is also used to describe bitpart players in the sport of cricket, especially those all-rounders that do not stand out with the ball or bat, and aren’t specialists in any of the fields. The term relu katta was made controversial in realms of both cricket and politics in 2017, when the leader of an opposition party had used it to describe World Cup winning cricketers, who played a crucial

part in the local franchise from Peshawar winning one of the most coveted T20 franchise leagues in the world, the final of which was being played in Pakistan for the very first time that year. Many of those cricketers have since returned annually to Pakistan, enjoying more success individually, with their team, and the whole PSL as well. The two time World Cup winning captain has since been given Pakistani citizenship, in turn making him the most successful Pakistani in terms of captaining World Cup triumphs. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.