C M YK
E R I T SA Sunday, 08 - 14 March, 2020 I Issue 161 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
History will judge my position of wanting to negotiate with Coronavirus kindly: PM
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rIMe Minister Imran Khan said on Friday that his decision to engage the cOVID-19 virus in a meaningful dialogue might be controversial at the present but will eventually turn out to be correct. “History will judge me well,” he said, speaking to reporters, while wearing a facemask himself. “they call me corona Khan now, but eventually, we all know what’s going to happen.” earlier, Defence Minister Pervez Khattak,
in an official press release, said that he would let the virus open an office in Pakistan. “It’s a shadowy network, we understand. and also the fact that we don’t know who is in charge. But whoever is, indeed, calling the shots, should step – or infect – forward and let us know what else do they want. Like, maybe a couple of LeD screens? Food Panda credits for the office? Free fresh bodies? What?” the Prime Minister’s words are already
proving to be right as the trump administration in US is considering shutting down all anti-cOVID-19 initiatives, citing it as a waste for tax payers’ dollars and that the republican party would never stand for such reckless expenditures. “Back when america was great, we used to gets infected and soldier on. What a pansies these new kids are,” tweeted President trump, shortly before dying from the virus. g
Satire
70,000 Pakistani deaths small price to pay for ensuring girls don’t go to school in Qandahar: asad Durrani (This is a satirical work of fiction)
US grateful to Pakistan for facilitating historic deal by ensuring other side’s presence
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WASHINGTON/ISLAMABAD –
ecretary of State Mike Pompeo has expressed gratitude on behalf of the US for Pakistan’s role in facilitating the historic deal with the taliban, diplomatic sources have informed the Dependent. In a call with Foreign Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi on thursday, Pompeo acknowledged that the deal and the talks preceding them would’ve been impossible without the role that Pakistan has played. “Both of us know that without Pakistan, the historic peace deal would not have been finalised, because we both know that without Pakistan there would not have been the other side with which the US would sign the
agreement,” Pompeo told Qureshi, multiple sources confirmed. “Hence, it gives me immense pleasure to thank you on behalf of President Donald trump, who is grateful that Pakistan ensured the other side’s presence with all parties timing the accord perfectly for the year 2020,” Pompeo added. During the phone call both Pompeo and Qureshi agreed that by ensuring the taliban’s presence for the peace talks, Pakistan has done a commendable job for all parties. However, it was reaffirmed that the job wasn’t done yet. “the same job needs to continue going forward, because, as you know, such developments will be beneficial for rulers in both countries,” Qureshi told Pompeo. g
the policy of covertly keeping safe havens for the aghan taliban, who would in turn covertly help local taliban, did result in more than 70,000 Pakistani fatalities but was a small price in order to achieve a larger goal, said retired Lieutenant General asad Durrani on Monday. “collateral damage,” said the
former spymaster in an exclusive interview with al Jazeera’s Mehdi Hassan. “this was the price that we paid for this sort of game. It’s a high stakes game.” “Nothing comes free of cost. this is not a game for the weak hearted people,” he said. “We had a strategic objective to ensure girls in Qandahar and, indeed, the
whole of southern afghanistan, don’t go to school and, by God, we achieved it.” “I’m not trying to justify anything. I am not even trying to describe what is good and bad. all I am saying to the relatives of the victims of terrorism is that all this was for a good cause and a larger strategic interest: keeping girls out of school in south afghanistan.” g
Satire
Satire
“HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HAPPY..”
US, Taliban observe emotional moment of silence for Osama Bin Laden
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He negotiations between the afghan taliban and the United States ended on an emotional note when they observed a moment of silence in the memory of Osama Bin Laden. “He would have been so happy right now,” said Zabihullah Mujahid. “I hope he is looking down on us right now and is seeing this.” “Please, when I agreed to this
moment of silence, I was assured it would, indeed, be a moment of silence,” said US special representative Zalmay Khalilzad, who was also in tears. “Be silent in the moment of silence.” Members of the afghan delegation used special filters on tiktok, placing the image of Osama Bin Laden enclosed in a heart-shape within the photo of Khalilzad and the head of the afghan delegation shaking hands. g
Satire
E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.