five

five Breaking the Silence

Talking to our children about sexuality can be hard. Not only does our culture prefer discretion and leaving sensitive things unsaid, but it can also be difficult to engage children as they enter their volatile pre-teen and teenage years. Instead of trying to fight the hormones, I’ve found it helpful to just go with the flow when talking to children—to engage them when they’re willing to listen, and to give them space when they’re not. Meaningful

conversations, after all, need the willing participation of both parties. Here are some approaches to consider:

1. Stay Comfortable

Think of sexuality education as part of equipping our children to enter adulthood. Just as we might teach them math, we are teaching them facts about their bodies and relationships, and about Christian principles on healthy friendships, purity, and marriage.

Many parents avoid sexuality conversations because they feel that they are not equipped. We can find out more about these topics, just as we do when we are trying to explain a mathematical concept that is new to us. We can even embark on this process of discovery together with our kids, like searching about “wet dreams” online, or looking for a book on how babies are made.

You can also enlist the help of books or videos that teach about sexuality using cartoons or pictures, which you can read and watch together with your children.

The conversation about sexuality is not a one-off talk. You can do it in bite-size quantities, starting with the basic facts when they’re young, and adding more “layers” and depth to the conversation as they grow older and are able to understand and engage with you more.

I started introducing the concept of physical intimacy to my own children when they were about four or five

years old. I told them about how God created Adam and Eve, how they loved each other and got married, and how God gave them the beautiful gift of sex to be enjoyed within the safe boundary of a marital relationship.

When my children entered primary school, I used a book to explain the act of sex and reproduction, and as they got older, introduced the topics of flirting, respect, and purity. Then, when they reached secondary school, we began to talk about life partners and the idea of Master, Mission, and Mate.

2. Stay Connected

Several years ago, I heard about a popular television series that glamourised teenage sex and drugs. When I casually asked my then 13-year-old daughter whether she knew about it, she rolled her eyes and went, “Duh!” She had known about it long before I did as all her classmates were watching it. That gave me an opening to talk about the values portrayed in pop culture.

To engage our children in conversation, we need to enter their world—or at least to know what they are seeing and hearing, and what influences them. That may mean being familiar with social media and the latest online trends.

What are the latest serials on Netflix? What are people talking about on Instagram? What songs are kids listening

to on Spotify? Staying connected to our children’s world can help us connect with them, and help them view the world through biblical values as we converse with them.

3. Stay in Communication

It can be awkward to sit our children down and start “The Big Talk” about sexuality out of the blue. Such conversations are likely to feel artificial and forced, and our children may not be ready to listen.

I find it much easier to look out for “teachable moments”—incidents and situations in daily life that provide an opportunity to talk about a related issue. Children are more likely to listen and be engaged because their interest will be there.

For example, news that a relative is pregnant can give you a chance to talk about how babies are made, or about sex within marriage. A news report about children being sexually abused offers a teachable moment to talk about private parts. Or, if your child sees condoms at the supermarket counter, you could explain what they are used for.

Look out for “random” sharing, like, “My friend has a crush or a new girlfriend/boyfriend.” These innocuous statements give you an opening to talk about relationships and ask questions like, “What do you understand about having a boyfriend? What do you think your friends do with their date?”

How we conduct these conversations is also important. It can be tempting to jump on the opportunity to deliver a lecture, but nothing turns a child off more! And avoid being judgmental if a child says something shocking, as that will only make him clam up.

I’ve found the “GLAD” principle useful in communicating with my kids:

G – Give your child your full attention. Drop whatever you’re doing and focus on the conversation. L – Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. Watch for body language to see how your child is responding to the conversation. A – Ask questions. Find out what your child is thinking and try to understand things from a young person’s perspective. D – Don’t lecture!

In addition to “GLAD”, I am also grateful for our Heavenly Father who is always present to help us. Prayer is an essential element when engaging children, and shooting up “arrow” prayers has always helped me in my time of need. In addition, I have found that praying with my children helps, especially when we find we do not have all the answers, or we are falling into an argument or impasse.

Role modelling is one of the most important lessons we can give our children, especially in how we relate to people of the opposite gender. Children are always watching us: if we do not act consistently with what we say or teach, we may become a stumbling block to them. But if we try to walk the talk, they will pick up on the lessons we want to impress on them.

For example, if we want to teach purity, we shouldn’t be watching the wrong kind of TV shows at home. If we want to teach a boy to respect girls, the father will need to respect and honour women, especially his wife. In fact, the relationship between husband and wife is one of the most important living lessons on loving, respecting, and cherishing loved ones, as it offers children the best example of how marriage looks like as God intended it to be.

It is also why both father and mother need to get involved in conversations about sexuality, with both sons and daughters.

While some parents divide it up—mothers with daughters and fathers with sons—hearing from both mum and dad can give a child a healthy, balanced view of sexuality and relationships. Sons can learn from dads about respecting women, and from mums about how girls want to be honoured. And girls can learn from dads about how they can be cherished and respected.