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three Intimacy and Sex

Sex and physical intimacy in relationships and marriage

Children today are exposed to the concepts

of sex and physical intimacy much earlier

than previous generations. As they are entering puberty earlier, they are also more likely to experience— and experiment with—their sexual desires earlier.

It is important to help our children understand that sex and physical intimacy are designed by God, and not by the world through their friends and social media. Although it may seem awkward to talk to your children about sex, it is best to be simple and straightforward

about it. Describe the act of sex factually—that is, the penis being inserted into the vagina—and how this can lead to possible pregnancy. Avoid using euphemisms, as they may confuse your children.

Here are the spiritual plumblines that will help us guide our children:

Plumbline #7: Sex is God’s gift for married couples

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. —Genesis 2:24–25 Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure. —Hebrews 13:4

Sex is a special gift from God and is to be enjoyed between a man and a woman who love each other deeply and who have committed themselves in marriage to each other. The Bible talks about the sanctity of sex between married couples (Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:3–5), while making it clear that all sexual immorality, such as adultery and sex outside of marriage, is wrong (see Exodus 20:14, Matthew 19:18).

We are to keep ourselves sexually pure. 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7 instructs us to “control your own

body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust”, and 1 Corinthians 6:19 reminds us to see our bodies as “temples of the Holy Spirit”. We are to honour God with our bodies because the Holy Spirit dwells in them.

Plumbline #8: Do not awaken love before it is ready

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. —Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, 8:4

Living in a sex-crazed culture certainly does not help our children remain sexually pure. In such a context, our children need more than rules; they need the biblical perspective that our sexual desire is not just another appetite to be satisfied. It is an opportunity for us to please God by honouring His plan and design, and waiting for sex until we are married.

The Song of Solomon compares waiting for sex until we are married to guarding a vineyard. Vineyard tending can be a long process, during which foxes can slip into and damage the crops (Song of Solomon 2:15). A farmer needs patience and watchfulness to protect the integrity of his vineyard, but if he does so faithfully, he will reap great benefits when the vines are fully ripe.

Likewise, we can teach our children not to arouse or awaken love before the right time.

For older children, explain that physical intimacy can awaken sexual desires that put a person on an emotional roller coaster. Just as a roller coaster is difficult to stop once it crosses the peak, it is challenging to stop the progress of intimacy towards sexual intercourse once physical arousal has taken place.

Discuss with your child where he should draw the line at: • Flirting (body language and pick-up lines) • Holding hands • Hugging • Casual versus prolonged kissing • Fondling, caressing, light petting (e.g., on intimate parts like the thigh) • Heavy petting (touching of genitals, often done without clothes) • Oral sex • Sexual intercourse

What about younger children?

For younger children, explain that it is best to wait until they are mature enough for the lifelong commitment of marriage before they start considering exclusive dating (and with it, the possibility of physical intimacy). In the

meantime, you can emphasise that it is not wise to touch others or be touched in an inappropriate manner. Your child may need to be taught which parts of his body are private and which parts are public, for example: • Public parts: Hands, forearms, elbows, feet (which may be touched in social interactions). • Private parts: Breasts, groin area (which should not be touched).

When my children were younger, I gave specific guidelines such as, “Don’t touch anyone between the shoulders and the knees.”

Younger children may also need to be taught about the circumstances when touching is appropriate (e.g., a doctor touching the private parts in a medical examination), and when it is inappropriate (e.g., an uncle stroking the thigh or groin area).

Start the Conversation

Here are some conversation starters: 1. Look at Genesis 2:24–25 and Hebrews 13:4, and discuss: Our body has many appetites. We get hungry and thirsty, for example. How is sex different from an appetite that we simply fulfil? What is God’s plan for sex?

2. Read Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4 together.

Ask your children about their experiences of being involved in a long-term project, e.g., preparing for an exam, training for a sports meet, or organising a class or school activity or event. What were the values they needed to stay on track? Talk about the importance of patience, perseverance, and following the rules and plan in order to obtain the successful conclusion of a project. Sometimes, such projects can stretch for days, weeks, or months.

Link this back to God’s instruction of not arousing love before it awakens. Ask what this may mean exactly for a God-pleasing marriage to occur.