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THE ONTARION’S SATIRICAL SPECIAL ISSUE. GET WOKE. YEET.

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FAKE NEWS

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THE ONTARION

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@theontarion

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OBTAINED VIA TORONTO.CA

Dear Members of the U of G Community, I am pleased to inform you of the most recent commitments made by the University of Guelph to further our mission of academic excellence and accessibility.

It has become apparent, particularly upon reflection of the many years that students have called for action on tuition fees, that we have failed to take advantage of a key opportunity. Today, we choose to take a first and necessary step, towards a true commitment to quality, accessible, public education. I am pleased to announce that tuition fees will be frozen at the current rate for the 2018-2019 academic year and the foreseeable future.

We are absolutely committed to ensuring that all students and workers are able to thrive in this academic institution; we will continue to explore options on how to best further decrease barriers in postsecondary education as we move forward.

To start, the U of G will lower senior administrative staff salaries by 25 per cent and use that money to ensure all workers on campus are paid at least $15 per hour. Furthermore, full-time, union work with benefits will be prioritized on campus from now on. For

example, more faculty will be hired to teach classes instead of relying on sessional lecturers. More unionized cleaning staff will be hired immediately, rather than part-time contracted work. In all cases, vacancies in positions shall be filled as quickly as possible to avoid overworking current employees.

Related to students specifically, the extra fee for online courses is now waived because, come on, no lectures and higher costs? How did that ever make sense? Lastly, the cost of textbooks will now be covered by existing tuition fees. Truthfully, it never made sense to charge students for a course and not provide them with all the necessary learning resources.

Thank you to the entire U of G community for all you do, as we look to the future with a strong sense of common purpose. To the students, best of luck on your final exams!

Yours insincerely, Fake-o Vaccarino

Guelph mayor campaigns door to door with his band mates GUTHRIE EXTREMELY UPSET COUNCILLORS SWORE SUPPORT, BUT THEN VOTED ON THEIR OWN VOLITION TAT T E O T I T E T TATO

GUELPH MAYOR CAM Guthrie’s feelings were really hurt after councillors who promised to vote with his agenda at city hall turned around and betrayed him “really, really bad” in the 2014 municipal election. Guthrie told The Contrarion that he was “nearly crying one thousand tears” because councillors voted against certain development and transit policies that Guthrie “really, really wanted.”

In an interview with The Contrarion, Guthrie explained that he decided to take matters into his own hands and campaign door to door with his old 13-piece synth-pop band from high school, Fitness Club Fiasco (FCF), for the 2018 election. The group members still practice in the basement of Lakeside Church, but Guthrie says they have turned their priorities from “making it and

having all the money and power” to “making it into city hall and having all the power.”

Aggie Mlynarz, Guthrie’s opposition in the last municipal election, tells The Contrarion that the move is “undemocratic and a gross consolidation of power.” She added, “I heard his band too — they’re terrible. It’s not even synth-pop, it’s just a bunch of middle-aged white dudes thinking they can play whatever they want, when they want. It just sounds like noise.”

Guthrie emphasized that even though he and his bandmates still practice together, campaign together, and have BBQ’s with each other’s families they can still “vote however they like.”

R odrigo G oller, who plays second chair electric drums and supplies back-up vocals for FCF, won a seat in Ward Two. He

Five members of Fitness Club Fiasco performing, the other eight members were on a stage directly behind the audience for a sandwich effect. | Photo obtained via Guelph Mercury

spoke to The Contrarion about the joint campaign effort.

“Guthrie is one of my best friends,” Goller said. “I hated to see him so upset after people said they would vote with him and then didn’t. I ran with Guthrie

knowing we can take our band’s chemistry to Guelph city hall.”

Goller also insisted The Contrarion mention how good of a drummer Guthrie really is. “I want to be him,” Goller said.

After the interviews, Guthrie

and Goller returned to their band practice where all 13 bandmates continuously jumped in a circle, fist-pumping and chanting, “Guthrie! Guthrie! Guthrie!”

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U of G biologists to breed real gryphons by 2024 FLY, GRYPHONS, FLY! R AC H E L W E I T Z

ON NOV. 19, the Department of Molecular and Cellular Biology (MCB), in cooperation with Student Experience and the Central Student Association, announced that they will begin a new project. Real gryphons are expected to be bred and fully trained by September of 2024, just in time for homecoming.

Expect to see a dazzling halftime show at homecoming in 2024, with the newly trained gryphons making their first ever appearance in support of Guelph Gryphons Football.

This serves some unfortunate news for our cheerleaders, who will become obsolete once these gryphons are ready to fly. Todd Galloway, the head coach of our varsity football team, expressed his excitement regarding the university’s latest innovation.

“Just real happy our guys won’t be distracted by the cheerleaders,” he said, “those flips are too much for their brains to handle…

especially with the concussions.”

Dr. Melissa Perreault, assistant professor in the MCB department, is the chair of the Gryphons Research Board and the brain behind the school’s latest project. Her research specializes in animal behaviour within MCB, and she made it very clear that her biggest concern was the wellbeing of the incoming gryphons.

Perreault clarified some of the important genetic specifications of these animals. “Unlike griffins, which are mythical creatures that are half eagle, half lion, gryphons are a cross-breed of dollar store fairy wings, humans, and squirrels.”

St udent E x perience ha s ex pr e s s e d t o t he G r y phons Research Board that the gryphons should be black, red, and gold — the university’s official colours. They see this not only as an opportunity to break ground in science, but to increase school spirit as well. A statement sent to

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Disclaimer: Artist’s rendering. not real example of what gryphons will look like.

The Contrarion by Student Experience mentioned that the gryphons are a “spectacular opportunity to improve student satisfaction” and hinted at the possibility of seeing

Theftlé launches new product, Canned Air

Service Gryphs on campus.

For more information, you can follow the Gryphons Research Board on twitter: @GRBuoguelph.

Like what you read?

FRESH AIR IS THE FASTEST GROWING MARKET ON THE INCREASINGLY POLLUTED EARTH K AREN K . TRAN

IN LIGHT OF the amount of pollution in today’s atmosphere, Theftlé recently announced the launch of their Canned Air product, designed to give consumers a breath of fresh air.

“Our bottled water has always been our most valuable product in the foodstuff commodity trade.

We never thought we could bottle anything else more fundamental to human life — that is, until our product developers figured out how to contain fresh air in a can,” Theftlé CEO, Steel Ing Freshwater, told The Contrarion. “I believe we are providing an important service to Canadians, especially those who are living in places without access to clean air.”

The Theftlé CEO has been circulating Canned Air in his mansion ever since the product prototypes were first created.

“Regular air is just so unsavoury,” he said. “Sometimes when I have to walk outside — like when I have to leave my office and go through the parking lot to get to my convertible — I’ll get a whiff of tainted air. The air can smell slightly sweet and floral, especially

during the spring.” He also takes a nightly bath with his company’s own bottled water.

The Contrarion also had the chance to speak with a few lucky loyal customers who got the chance to try Canned Air ahead of the official release date.

“I just feel so much healthier when I breathe Canned Air, as opposed to regular air,” said anti-vaxxer advocate, Polly O. Outbreak. “Regular air sometimes has farts mixed into it, which is so gross.”

Another excited customer, Paul Lucian, told The Contrarion, “I’ll definitely be stocking hundreds of cans in my basement as an emergency supply for when we run out of breathable air. It’ll be worth billions then.”

Theftlé’s Canned Air will be available for purchase in stores and online starting Nov. 31.

Thef

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We never thought we could bottle anything else more fundamental to human life.

For more updates,

Follow us at @theontarion

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Vet develops psychic powers, contemplates long-distance practice NEWFOUND ABILITIES PROVING FRUITFUL FOR LUCKY GRAD C A R L E I G H C AT H C A R T

THE ONTARIO VETERINARY College (OVC) is well known for a faculty rich in academic talent, but a recent graduate is making unprecedented strides in the field thanks to her newfound psychic abilities.

“I’m not really sure how it happened, to be honest,” says 2016 OVC grad Cat Barker. “I was on call one night during my internship and received a call from a panicked owner whose dog was not doing well. She was unwilling to come into the clinic and asked for a diagnosis over the phone. Next thing I know, I had a premonition or something, and suddenly I had figured out exactly what was wrong.”

Following her surprising but welcome discovery of a sixth sense, Barker began noticing other convenient superpowers that were of

great use in a clinical setting.

“After the dog incident, I realized more weird things happening.

At first they kind of freaked me out, but then I decided to use them to my advantage,” said Barker.

For example, telepathy with animals soon emerged, allowing her to ask patients where it hurt, what they ate, and who they voted for.

“Shaggy the greyhound had a sore neck, but mostly requested that I tell his owner the new salmon food he was on was disgusting.”

Barker’s discoveries have been a significant windfall for her business partner, who says their client base have never been more satisfied or plentiful.

“Barker has always been a valuable member of our team, but with these recent developments, she’s become an absolute necessity to

the practice,” says Cardinal Boulevard Clinic (CBC) co-owner Dr. Luke O’Cyte. “We hope she sticks around for a long time!”

When asked what other abilities have emerged, Barker shares a surprising repertoire of fresh talents including lie detection, permanent awakeness, and X-ray vision. The latter in particular has been a boon to business, attest Barker and O’Cyte. Clients are understandably concerned for their pets’ wellbeing, but are resentful of spending money to determine what’s going on.

“Just last week we had a lethargic cat who had eaten an owner’s metal earring. The owner refused radiographs and I never would have known what the issue was if not for my special vision,” recalled Barker.

Ultimately, these revelations will have little effect on the course of Barker’s career — ­ she has no intentions to leave CBC any time soon. In fact, she is considering a debut in the world of long-distance veterinary medicine — once she’s

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financially stable, of course.

“If only I could make my decade’s worth of debt disappear,” said Barker. “Now THAT would be truly amazing.”



Following her surprising but welcome discovery of a sixth sense, Barker began noticing other convenient superpowers…

The Guelph Mercury Tribune Your local, grassroots Guelph newspaper.

PET OF THE WEEK LOSER THE CALIFORNIA KING SNAKE Human: Justin Major Pet’s Age: Seven years Fun Fact: Loser was rescued from someone who kept him in a Tupperware container under a bed. The “L” on his forehead is a natural marking.

Do you think your pet deserves to be the next pet of the week? Send your photos to ktran@theontarion.com by 9 a.m. on Monday, Nov. 26, along with your full name, pet’s name, age, species, and a fun fact about them.

Brought to you by The Guelph Mercury Tribune: a division of Metroland Media Group Limited, a Torstar Corporation subsidiary (TSX: TS.B $0.86 +0.04 +4.44%)

Fake ad. We love our friends at The Tribune!

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Students confuse “smoke free” with “free smokes” SMOKERS SEARCH CAMPUS “FOR SOME BELLIES, OR EVEN SOME PALL MALLS” C AT T E O M I M E L L A R O

FOR THE FIRST time this semester, Mikey Turner entered a lecture hall.

“I was told that there would be free smokes all over campus. I’m looking for Bellies, but yeah, I’d smoke free Pall Malls if I had to,” Turner told The Contrarion.

Turner has not attended a single class this year, except for handing in an assignment and leaving immediately after. However, he has attended and searched through dozens of lecture halls after hearing about free smokes on campus.

“I know it’s not till 2019,” Turner said, “but I’m checking if the university worker guys are hiding them early. It’s like Easter but with darts instead of chocolate, bahd.”

Turner said he found a half pack of Next Blues on the library picnic table, but it’s unclear if they are

“free smokes,” or if somebody just forgot them there.

Rosemary Benson-Hedges, a second year general arts student, told The Contrarion that a lot of students are running low on money at this point in the semester.

“We’re all broke AF right now.

I need some free cigarettes, those things are so expensive now,” said Benson-Hedges. “Free smokes is a joke. I pay all of this tuition and when they tell me there is an initiative to help with my purchases and there is like no organization for it. All I see is signs for free smokes, but no actual smokes. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.”

T h e U n i ve rs i t y of G ue l p h w i l l b e come a “s m o ke f re e” c amp u s i n Jan . 2 0 1 9 .

Confused students have been searching under cannons and on top of library rooftops for smokes. | Photos by Alora Griffiths

All I see is signs for free smokes, but no actual smokes. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

The Ontarion admits to role in liberal, left wing conspiracy THEY’RE ONTO US PAT R I C K S U T H E R L A N D

AMID MOUNTING pressure to acknowledge its role in a vast liberal conspiracy, received via anonymous hate mail, The Ontarion has issued a press release confirming all accusations.

“It’s time we told the truth,” said Amanda Dwyer, Ontarion employee.

“Everyone who works here knows that The Ontarion is just the tip of the spear of the Globalist agenda to control all thought on the planet.”

The press release details years of collusion between The Ontarion and various left-wing Globalist-elite groups, including The Illuminati, Antifa, and U2.

Others who work on the second floor of the University Centre had long noted irregularities with The Ontarion and its frequent guests. One employee who asked to remain anonymous spoke with The Contrarion about these liaisons.

“It was constant. A steady stream of cash changing hands, secretive

planning, and evil laughter. One week I even saw Alec Baldwin and Hillary Clinton walk right into the lush Ontarion offices — together, plotting some nefarious deeds no doubt.”

Although some have questioned the public move to come clean, Ontarion volunteer Dave Chandra welcomes it. “ People have no idea the pressure we have been under.

Belonging to a massive global conspiracy to brainwash everyone into becoming sheeple who mindlessly accept a new world order based on cultural Marxism is really difficult to balance with being a full-time university student,” Chandra said.

Among the most stunning revelations was that The Ontarion is a member of the Mainstream Media.

“It’s true, we aren’t a non-profit, student-led newspaper. We are right up there with the Huffington Post, New York Times, and Washington Post,” The Ontarion reporter Diego

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Weston told The Contrarion.

“In fact, see those water stains on our ceiling?” Weston said, motioning towards the ceiling tiles with a smirk. “It’s just camouflage.

They’re not even real stains! We just have to play the part of the non-profit, volunteer-driven community newspaper.”

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FARTS & CULTURE THE ONTARION

@theontarion

Eminem pledges to never write a diss track again… sort of RAPPER OPENS UP ABOUT LIFECHANGING EXPERIENCE THAT MADE HIM SQUASH BEEF WITH OTHERS JA N A N S H OJA D O O S T

A FEW MONTHS have gone by since Eminem released his surprise album, Kamikaze, in which he dissed many of his fellow rappers.

Although there would normally be back and forth responses between Eminem and the dissed ones, all of the ruckus suddenly came to an end when he posted a selfie of himself and the rappers he dissed at his Detroit mansion, gathered

over Thanksgiving dinner table with massive plates of spaghetti being served. So what happened?

The Contarion sat down with the real Slim Shady to hear everything he had to say.

Janan Shoja Doost: How have things been for you over the past few months with all the publicity that you received on your diss tracks?

COURTESY OF HIP HOP & MORE

Eminem: It was nice — the amount of news coverage I got was unprecedented. Although most of the news focused on bad reviews of the album and how immature it was of me to diss assholes like MGK [Machine Gun Kelly], I never really cared about what other people had to say. But things changed, you know. I mean, everything changed… [pauses, looks like he is lost for words].

JSD: How do you mean? How exactly did things change?

E: It was all the same a few months ago, until that one night.

On that night, I remember I finished a studio session with my crew — we were working on our last diss track about MGK, and this was right after he’d released his new EP, Binge. I was determined that this was going to be the actual killshot, and that he wouldn’t ever dare to mess around with my name again. After we finished up at the studio, I was really tired so I just decided to take a power nap on the couch. That night, I had a dream that changed my life forever… [He sighs and shuffles in his chair.]

JSD: Man, that’s crazy! What did you dream about that night?

E: It was so surreal. In the dream, I remember I was in an empty space, filled with nothingness. Then, out of the blue, I see Tupac show up — right up in my face. I will never forget how disappointed he was when he looked me dead in the eyes. He said to me in that dream: “Grow up. You’re ruining the hip hop I sacrificed my life

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for.” And then he just disappeared into thin air. I was in so much awe when I woke up that the first thing I did was call up Dr. Dre. I told him everything I had seen in my dream with Tupac, and before I even finished, Dre told me to say no more and to meet him at the address that he texted me.

JSD: Interesting — why did Dr. Dre want you to meet him there?

E: Because the place that we met up in was Tupac’s secret shrine. I can’t tell you much about it, because it’s supposed to be secret. But Dre and I were meditating there for a few hours, and it was at that moment that I received a clear vision about what I was supposed to do next.

The revelation was real — my homie Tupac had delivered me from my inner demons.

JSD: Is this why you stopped all the dissing and squashed your beef with everybody?

E: Straight up! After we came back from Pac’s shrine, I went home and called up everyone that I ever dissed. I invited them over to my crib for a get together — I’m talking MGK; Tyler, the Creator; even my ex-wife. They came, we drank Hennessy, beat up piñatas, and then I got us all on a private jet to Detroit so that we could go to my old neighbourhood and have some of my mom’s spaghetti. We’re cool now.

JSD: I am glad to hear that.

What advice would you like to give to prospective rappers, so that they learn from your mistakes?

E: Stay in your lane, or I will diss you.

Ted Danson to play lead in President Vaccarino biopic THE VAC WILL BE RELEASED IN 2020 AND WILL CO-STAR ROBERT REDFORD AS DAN O’LEARY M ATAT E O L I M E C C A R O

U OF G PRESIDENT Franco Vaccarino’s biopic, titled The Vac, was announced this week and will begin filming next month. The movie is set to be released in fall 2020.

The Vac will star Ted Danson as Vaccarino and Robert Redford as U of G VP of finance, Dan O’Leary.

Tom Hooper, director of The King’s Speech and The Danish Girl, will direct the film.

“I find Vaccarino so interesting as a subject. His personability, his overt kindness, his warming presence,” Hooper said in an interview with The Contrarion. “Yet all of that is conflicting with gradual

tuition hikes, reluctance on fossil fuel divestment, reliance on sessional hirings, and consistent cuts to physical resources and long time hospitality workers. It’s the perfect veneer, the perfect drama. It’ll be interesting to explore the cognitive dissonance.”

Rumours are floating about what topics might be addressed in the biopic. Memes have been pervading the Facebook group Overheard at Guelph, assuming Vaccarino will finally admit that some of the staff are in fact lizard people.

The Contrarion spoke to students in the University Centre who said they are bored of seeing

Vaccarino’s face all over UC televisions, but that they are excited to see Danson in the role.

“I wish Ted Danson was our president — I love that dude in The Good Place”, Jessica Gonzalez, third year food science major, told The Contrarion. “That’s such a good show! What were we talking about?”

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J. K. Rowling reveals original vision for Harry Potter series WHO NEEDS MAGIC WHEN LIFE CAN BE THIS ORDINARY? PAT R I C K S U T H E R L A N D

J. K. ROWLING RECENTLY revealed a much more subdued and grounded version of the Harry Potter stories, revolving around realism and the plight of our everyman hero, Harry Potter, who attends a boarding school on a scholarship. Rowling, whose initial treatment of the books had “light wizarding themes” that took a back seat to the action of everyday life, decided last minute to shift the focus. Though Rowling told us she is satisfied with Harry Potter as a wizard, she’ll always wonder what Harry in the brooding finance student’s world would have looked like.

BELOW IS THE ORIGINAL OUTLINE FOR THE HARRY POTTER SERIES: 1. Harry

Potter and the Ordinary Stone Harry is sent to a prestigious boarding school where despite a lack of interest in geology and rock collecting, finds a valueless stone that he develops a sentimental attachment to.

2. Harry

Potter and the Chamber of Commerce There is an unspeakable danger lurking that Harry must locate and stop before it’s too late. In this version of the second Harry Potter installment, it’s not snakes that run amok, but rather an unfair tax policy that is punitive of small businesses.

3. Harry Potter and the Pensioner of Azkaban Harry Potter is visited by a longlost retired uncle. Fun is had by all.

4. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Water Harry is pitted against his own nature as he struggles to overcome bad habits and meet his New Year’s resolution to drink eight eightounce glasses of water per day.

5. Harry Potter and the Order of the Breadsticks Harry finds safety and security in knowing that breadsticks are complementary, a small comfort in these trying times.

6. Harry Potter and the Half-Price Pants Harry and Hermione’s friendship gains new depth as they spend

two-thirds of the book shopping for pants. They are a good fit and will provide years of stylish comfort.

7. Harry Potter and the Death by Marshmallows Harry Potter throws caution to the wind and suspends his keto diet to indulge in sweets by the campfire.

Harry finds safety and security in knowing that breadsticks are complementary, a small comfort in these trying times.

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SPORTS & HAHAHEALTH THE ONTARION

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Doug Ford buys the Toronto Raptors from MLSE MAKES CHANGES GREATER THAN HIS RESENTMENT FOR CITY OF TORONTO R. A . HOULESPINALL

ONTARIO PREMIER Doug Ford has purchased the Toronto Raptors from Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) for an undisclosed sum, and has secured a five-year contract with upcoming free agent Kawhi Leonard.

The full terms and conditions of the purchase have yet to be made public.

Raptors President Masai Ujiri says that Ford made the offer conditional on the following points:

a) All further uses of the fan handle “We the North” be changed to “We the Etobicoke North” b) K awhi L eonard change his legal name to DeK awhi DeLeonard

c) Current Raptors coach Nick Nurse is to be replaced with a more rational voice, preferably Don Cherry d) One per cent of profits from the sale of cannabis in the Scotiabank Arena and Jurassic Park will be donated to the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) e) The body responsible for overseeing mandatory team drug testing will be shifted from the NBA to the Marijuana Party.

Coincident with this recent development: Zach Randolph has requested a transfer to the Raptors.

KAWHI LEONARD | COURTESY OF TORONTO RAPTORS

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U of G Athletics releases limited edition NRG PLUS PLUS pass NEW FITNESS MEMBERSHIP TIER PROVIDES EXCLUSIVE ACCESS TO GYM FACILITIES K AREN K . TRAN

AFTER THE SUCCESSFUL introduction of the Athletic Centre’s NRG PLUS membership earlier this semester, U of G is planning on releasing a higher-tiered membership with even more gym benefits.

The NRG PLUS PLUS pass will give users preferential access to not only special classes, but exclusive access to equipment rooms as well.

To give NRG PLUS PLUS users the best experience possible, they will be able to access the fitness rooms in solitude, to work out free from the distractions of seeing their attractive fellow gym members working out in the vicinity or from the embarrassment of not knowing how to use the more complicated cardio machines. However, the Athletic Centre does not have a private fitness room for this purpose, and

will be asking regular NRG and NRG PLUS members to evacuate the facility when an NRG PLUS PLUS member arrives.

Likewise, NRG PLUS PLUS members who show up to a scheduled fitness class will receive one-on-one training, which means anyone waiting in line for the class will be asked to leave and try again next time.

Luckily, only two NRG PLUS PLUS passes will be available, to give regular NRG and NRG PLUS members a chance to still use the gym. If both NRG PLUS PLUS members want to use the same fitness room at the same time, they will face each other in a duel similar to a dance-off — a muscle-off, if you will — in which both members flex their muscles as intensely as

Lowly NRG Pass holders, in the gym, doing gym things. | Photo by Trust Katsande

possible in an attempt to rip their shirts off, Hulk-style.

Director of Athletics Scott McRoberts told The Contrarion that the NRG PLUS PLUS PLUS pass is in the works for next year.

The two NRG PLUS PLUS passes will be auctioned off later this year, with proceeds going to support building a female Gryphon statue, the Gryphette.

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I eat plants — so what?

GROOT WASN’T HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS ARTICLE M YA K I D S O N

SHHH. DO YOU hear that? Do you hear the sizzling, screaming cries of the beets in the boiling water? I think they’re crying bloody murder. I reach down to grab one, peeling off the layer of soiled skin, my hands stained red from the blood of my victims. Does this violate plant ethics?

I think I should be upfront with you. I’m a vegan. A five letter word that describes my dietary preferences, but sparks an uproar of debate over what I should and shouldn’t be eating. When I tell people that I’m vegan, there are usually two types of reactions.

1. Responses from those that really don’t give a tiny rat’s ass about what I do with my life. “We all

need to eat, right? Why not be happy with what YOU want to eat?”

2. Responses from defensive carnivores who feel the need to educate vegans: “From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors practically killed their prey with bare hands, and so we must all continue doing the same.” “It’s a way of life! Eating meat is in our blood!” they bellow with desperate pleas to turn everyone against veganism.

When I tell people that I’m vegan, a frown emerges across their faces. They act as if the “vegapocalypse” is upon us. Clearly a detrimental concept for those fearful of what grows beneath the

fertile soil. “What do you eat if you can’t eat animal flesh? Why would you ever give up the hind end of a pig for a platter of chlorophyll infused cellulose? That’s utterly disgusting and also absurd!”

Yet, from most people, I get silent stares. The chipper of crickets fills the room... where are all the gasps? Why aren’t you up in arms about my decision to eat plants? Yes, if you were wondering, I did sacrifice those plants in the garden for my salad at lunch today, it was delicious too. I swear, I’m not a plant killer! Although they didn’t really agree to be on my dinner plate, when do we ever gain consent from the food we eat?

At least plants are able to grow in the fresh open air for most of their lives. They thrive on the sun and freedom that we provide them before we pull them out of the soil, sauté with some oil and a bit of spice, and devour them whole.

Casual carrot massacre. | Photo obtained via UNSPLASH

From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors practically killed their prey with bare hands, and so we must all continue doing the same.

Canadian Ministry of Health study finds birth rates are lower in the summer months IMPACTS OF MOVEMBER MAY EXTEND FARTHER THAN MEN’S HEALTH R AC H E L W E I T Z

THE FE DE R AL MINI STRY of Health recently released a research report on declining birth rates in Canada. According to this decade-long study, 58 per cent fewer babies are born in July and August due to an extraneous variable. Although most university professors preach “correlation does not equal causation,” in this case it does. It appears that Movember has had a direct effect on the last decade of Canadian births.

Since Movember’s pilot in 2003, this men’s health campaign has caused men to simply look awkward.

“Movember’s popularity has grown exponentially in Canada, which is great for men’s mental and physiological health, but not for their reproduction,” commented Movember Foundation CEO Owen Sharp. “We’ve received numerous emails from disgruntled wives complaining about trying to get pregnant this month.”

The Honourable Ginette P.

Taylor, minister of health, says that at a reproductive health level it is groundbreaking, but as a woman, “it makes total sense.” Taylor is aware of the wonderful work the Movember Foundation does for men’s health in many spheres, but adds that in November she finds it difficult to feel attracted to her otherwise attractive husband.

The federal commission of inquiry assigned to look into the disparities in birth rates between summer and rest of the year discovered jaw-dropping findings.

The male babies that are successfully conceived during Movember and are born in July and August, come out of the womb mustachioed. While these babies are expected to be champions of the Movember Foundation, the mothers of these poster-boys are concerned for their reproductive potential in the future.

“I hope his future partner will be understanding of his motivation to raise Movember funds as I was

of his father,” said Amy Smith, mother of a three-month-old mustachioed infant.

The 2018 Report on Birth Rate Disparities comes with the aim of avoiding November pregnancies to eliminate babies born with facial hair in the summer.

Sharp told The Contrarion that “the focus of Movember is men standing in solidarity with each other to improve men’s health. It is a sombre time… but those babies are kind of badass.”

I hope his future partner will be understanding of his motivation to raise Movember funds as I was of his father.

Small child, Everett, spent last Christmas fully moustachioed.

Photo by Tiffany Agliani, edited by Alora Griffiths

09

The Ontarion brings you stre Your full name here: Your email address here:

Complete all six puzzles on this page and return them to The Ontarion office in the University Centre (Room 264) by noon on Monday, January 7, 2019.

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Receive our electronic newsletter. ❏ Receive information about volunteering for The Ontarion. ❏ Participate in a readership survey for a chance to win a gift card. ❏

Successful completion of the puzzles will enter yourname intoa draw to win one of these prizes: • Bob’s Dogs voucher (two dogs and two pops) • $10 gift card for The Bullring • $20 gift card for Brass Taps • $25 gift card for Hospitality Services

A cryptogram is a collection of words — often quotations — where each letter has been consistently substituted with another letter.

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I always stab But never destroy I’m sometimes fun But never a toy Though my eye is sharp And my aim is true I’ll always need help to find my way through

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Bad Weather Ahead?

Know Where to Get Info on University Closures

When a winter storm hits, trust these sources to find out whether the University is open

Sign up to receive emergency email, phone or text message alerts www.uoguelph.ca/beprepared

If the University decides before normal working hours to close because of bad weather or an emergency, every effort will be made to communicate that decision by 6 a.m.

MAKE YOUR EVENINGS & WEEKENDS REALLY MATTER! Join the Jake’s Place Team Job Profile We’re looking for a special kind of weekend/evening warrior to be part of a dynamic support team for our 24-year-old son with autism. We’ve created a vibrant and fulfilling life for him, and we’re looking to add some smart, energetic and community-minded individuals to our team.

The Community Support Associate position is located in Guelph, is casual work on evenings and weekends that pays between $18-$25/hr depending on qualifications and experience.

You’d be part of a team that’s creating an engaging, active and fulfilling life in the local community for a charming and loving life-long learner who lives with intense symptoms of autism.

This position will support our son’s daily activities including employment, household chores, recreation and fitness activities.

This position offers the opportunity to be taught, supported and supervised by some of the most qualified professionals in this field. Being on Jake’s team promises an invaluable experience for whatever else you do in your life.

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by December 15, 2018.

Only applicants being considered for an interview will be contacted.

OPINION

13

THE ONTARION

@theontarion My body, my choice — their judgment?

MY EXPERIENCE WITH ABORTION M A R I S S A A L M E I DA

I WANT TO SHARE my experience. It is the experience of a woman who chose to have an abortion at the age of 18. The negative societal views on abortion make me contemplate my decision to this day. I am concerned about how people will view me as an individual after they find out I have had an abortion. The opinions of those who are unaware of the particulars of my life should not be able to question my decisions, but they do. It’s hard to understand that in today’s society — where we believe in freedom, consent, and agency — that abortion continues to be a controversial topic; one that invites comments that make me feel judged and, at times, unsafe.

For what felt like a very long time after my abortion, I felt ashamed.

I felt like a murderer; a monster.

I never told my parents that I was pregnant because I was scared and embarrassed. To this day, they are still unaware of my pregnancy and abortion. I believe my decision to have an abortion would disappoint my parents. They are loving and supportive and my fear of disappointment led me to live a difficult part of my life in secrecy.

As a Catholic, I knew the Bible teaches that abortion is wrong.

With time and talking to my friends, I realized I should not be ashamed of the choice I made because it was the best choice I could have made at the time.

When I found out that I was pregnant I was about to start university in the fall. I had no job and no financial stability. If I told my parents and they refused to support me, I would have had no source

of income, skill set, or place to live. The man who fathered the baby left me as soon as he heard the word “pregnant.” I would be a single mom at 18, raising a child without any support from anyone.

I was not mentally or financially in a position to support myself and adequately care for a baby. Now when reflecting on my choice to have an abortion, I know it was right for me and my unborn child.

Even so, I still find myself feeling frightened when I tell people about my decision. People who are pro-life make it hard to share my story. Some people have changed their opinion of me after learning of my abortion and view me negatively for it. In other situations, people will voice their opinions in a harsh tone, telling me what I did was wrong. They degrade me as an individual, and I feel small and defenceless in these situations.

I also feel uneasy when I see signs on the side of the highway that read “Abortion is MURDER.” It makes me feel like I am being threatened for doing something wrong. I am not a murderer. I did not commit an illegal act. In Canada, abortion is legal.

You don’t need a reason to have one and the cost is covered. However, this does not mean that getting an abortion in Canada is a positive experience. The abortion clinic I went to had a negative atmosphere. There was no sign outside the clinic. The doors were locked, so I had to be buzzed in. No one was allowed inside the clinic, except for the patient — not even a friend or family member for support. This was to ensure privacy and safety. The waiting room was silent. No one spoke.

Before the procedure, I had to talk to a counsellor and verbally consent to the abortion before providing written consent. After the procedure the nurse insisted that an abortion was something to keep to myself, that “nobody needed to know about it.” I left the clinic feeling guilty and ready to act like it never happened. Although this is a legal medical procedure, I felt like I had committed a felony. I never imagined that a medical clinic specializing in abortions would actively try to silence me; to tell me what I have done should be a secret.

I had to see my family doctor two weeks after my surgery to make sure I was healing properly and didn’t get an infection. Those

two weeks were horrific. I was in pain as my body went through changes. My breasts were tender and leaked milked. I didn’t even know this was possible at only eight weeks pregnant. Not only did I feel emotionally unstable, but I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody and had to deal with all of those emotions alone.

When I went in for my post-abortion follow-up, my family doctor asked me irrelevant questions that seemed more about satisfying her curiosity than for my health. These questions included: “Do your parents know? Was he your boyfriend?

How long did you know him for?

Do you regret it?” All questions that I didn’t feel like answering. I sat there holding back tears. Then she made a statement that bothers me to this day: “You should have had the baby, and let me adopt it.”

A professional who was supposed to aid me belittled my emotions and made a joke about my situation. As I left her office, she echoed what those at the clinic had said about my procedure, it was “something that you just don’t tell people,” and then she wished me luck.

Sometimes I have panic attacks and need to be rushed to the emergency room. I tell EMS and mental health nurses I was triggered by a memory of my abortion.

They’re usually at a loss for words and all say the same thing: “That must have been hard” or “Do you regret it?” They give me pamphlets for therapists, awkwardly staring at me and send me out the door.

Just the word “abortion” makes people uncomfortable, medical professionals included. They don’t know what to say and often say the worst thing they could. I feel that

it is easier for them to push me away than for them to try understanding my situation. I feel it is wrong that so many who are in the medical field do not know how to properly assist and talk to women who have had abortions.

In today’s society, everyone has control of their bodies. However, pregnant women’s bodies remain sites of controversy, allowing people to tell women what to do.

My experience has taught me that the situation and procedure are both physically and emotionally painful. But I chose to do what I wanted with my body and with my life. I would never judge anyone solely based on their decision to have an abortion. Unfortunately, I’ve come across many people who don’t see things that way.

A pregnant woman has her body and entire lifestyle altered. I view women who have abortions as figures of strength. They chose to do what they thought was best for themselves.

I believe societ y needs to acknowledge that abortions are legal procedures and actively work to reduce the negative connotations around abortions and the women who have them. Someone who has had an abortion shouldn’t have to live in secrecy and question their morals.

What a woman chooses to do with her body should be acknowledged for what it is: a human right.

I wanted to share my own experience so that other women who are going through this incredibly difficult experience know there is nothing wrong with them or their decision; the problem is the system.

We can’t make things better if we allow them to silence us.

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EDITORIAL

14

THE ONTARION

@theontarion

Extremism and journalism: The horseshoe vs. the spectrum IN RESPONSE TO RESPONSES RECEIVED FOLLOWING OUR “THE RISE OF THE ALT-RIGHT IN CANADA” ARTICLE

Extreme Left

Extreme Right

T H E O N TA R I O N

IT’S NO SECRET. We are living in a very politically charged climate with more divisiveness than many of us have ever experienced in our lives. It seems almost every day now that pundits point out the degree to which dialogue and debate have broken down only to be replaced with partisan intransigence. Each side of the political spectrum, seemingly in their own echo chamber, is unable or unwilling to consider the “other side’s” point of view.

But what does listening to the “other side” entail? If being closeminded to the political views of others makes for a polarized and intellectually malnourished society, does that mean putting all views on equal footing is the answer?

We do not believe so. To treat every single view as equal not only does a disservice to society, but is downright dangerous, potentially allowing regressive and extremist ideas to proliferate.

This then begs the question, if we are not to elevate extreme views, then where do we draw the line? In fact, history has shown us time and time again that we must not treat all views as equally valid. We must take a stand and denounce ideologies and beliefs that seek to unravel our societal values of inclusion and justice.

Arthur Miller once said: “A good newspaper, I suppose, is a nation talking to itself.” This alludes to the fact that a newspaper is not simply a collection of stories about current events, but rather a snapshot of an ongoing conversation between members of society. But what do you do when

The Ontarion Inc.

there are those who are not interested in conversation, demanding instead that society bows to their politics? And what if there are people in this category who claim to join in this great dialogue, but do so disingenuously to advance an uncompromising and homogenous view of society? Furthermore, what if vast numbers of these people freely identify with authoritarianism, totalitarianism, and xenophobia? Do we include them in our conversation as ideological equals or do we take a stand?

These may sound like rhetorical questions, but in the operation of a newspaper they surface daily and are a source of constant concern.

A tool called the political horseshoe can help guide our thinking in trying to answer such difficult questions. Normally when we consider political ideology we imagine a linear spectrum, with those on the political left at one end, those on the political right on the other, and centrists in the middle. This commonly accepted model is so ingrained in our society that our language is shaped by it. Terms like ‘polarizing politics’ or ‘left-leaning’ and ‘right-leaning’ are borne out of this spectrum. This model is useful, but only to a certain point.

The political horseshoe funct ion s muc h l i k e it s l i ne a r counterpart, but with a key difference. Where the linear spectrum remains straight, leaving all views no matter how far left or right on equal footing, the political horseshoe curves in on itself.

This curve allows us to plot left versus right thinking alongside levels of extremism, the point one

Left Moderate Left

becomes so entrenched in their views that their loyalty to their ideology surpasses their loyalty to the rule of law and commitment to the egalitarian values of a liberal democracy. Though not a perfect model, the political horseshoe helps us to see that at a certain point the far-left and farright become the extreme left or extreme right and begin to share more in common with each other than they do with their moderate counterparts.

Extremism can be readily found on the far-left and far-right, and though those on the two ends may have different goals, beliefs, and motivations, they share one thing in common which defines them as a single group: their methods.

The extreme left and extreme right both use or support the use of violence, intimidation, and deceptive rhetoric to attempt to subvert the democratic process.

Make no mistake: those on the extreme left that would don ski masks and try to take down capitalism one Starbuck’s window at a time, have far more in common

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Right

with the Swastika-adorned masses of the alt-right than they do with members of the political left. The same goes for the alt-right, who bear so little in common with the political right that they can not be said to be on the “same side.”

It is the conversation taking place at the bottom of the horseshoe that we wish to engage. The views from the right and left, even the radical ones, will get space on our pages so long as they are part of a conversation that acknowledges and makes space for people’s beliefs and identities, to the extent that they do not impinge on the rights of others.

Whether it’s erasing people’s identities by advocating against acceptance of gender fluidity or knocking Make America Great Again hats off of someone’s head, The Ontarion will report on these occurrences, but will not elevate the ideology behind them to a level of legitimacy and will continue to speak against extremism, whether it originates from the left or the right.

CONTRIBUTORS Marissa Almeida Carleigh Cathcart Tasha Falconer Ella Harvey Karen Houle Mya Kidson George Longley Adam Maue Spencer McGregor Mehak Mohindru Stefania Perrela Hannah Stewart Sydney Reeves Janan Shoja Doost Jenna Smith

We must keep an open mind, but not so open that our brains fall out.

185.9 | Nov. 15, 2018

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER

the rise of the alt-right STORY ON P. 08

INSIDE U OF G PROF FACES ASSAULT CHARGES P. 03

EDITORIAL: VOTER SUPPRESSION P. 05

TRANS REMEMBRANCE DAY P. 10

The Ontarion is a non-profit organization governed by a Board of Directors. Since The Ontarion undertakes the publishing of student work, the opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily reflect those of The Ontarion staff and Board of Directors. The Ontarion reserves the right to edit or refuse all material deemed sexist, racist, homophobic, or otherwise unfit for publication as determined by the Editor-in-Chief. Material of any form appearing in this newspaper is copyrighted 2017 and cannot be reprinted without the approval of the Editor-in-Chief. The Ontarion retains the right of first publication on all material. In the event that an advertiser is not satisfied with an advertisement in the newspaper, they must notify The Ontarion within four working days of publication. The Ontarion will not be held responsible for advertising mistakes beyond the cost of advertisement.

The Ontarion is printed by Hamilton Web.

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SPORTS & HEALTH

15

THE ONTARION

@theontarion

Treating the winter blues THE POSITIVE EFFECTS OF LIGHT THERAPY ON SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER MEHAK MOHINDRU

WITH THE COLD weather upon us and the sunlight wasting away with each day, it’s not hard to believe that winter is right around the corner. The lack of daylight at this time of year can impact many students’ moods, causing them to struggle with what is known as the winter blues, or more accurately as seasonal affective disorder (SAD).

Many of the symptoms of SAD are very similar, if not identical, to depression. Based on a 2006 article published in Biological Psychiatry, SAD can primarily suppress melatonin and the regulation of circadian rhythms. The elicited changes in the duration of elevated

melatonin production relative to the photoperiod and the increase in these secretions during the winter nights are associated to an underlying physiological seasonal change with the SAD pathology.

Essentially, we feel tired more easily and less motivated due to the lack of light outdoors.

Light therapy is one of the most recommended treatments for SAD and it is suggested that using bright lights with shorter wavelengths, like LED lights, offer the best results in terms of treatment. Verilux is one brand of LED light appliances which is dedicated to improving the symptoms of SAD. Their products

are known for their effectiveness in light therapy, stimulating serotonin production and regulating melatonin to have your body “running like clockwork.” 10,000 lux is what the company recommends as the best light intensity to reset your circadian rhythm, combatting the winter blues.

These lights are known to positively impact your hormones and sleeping patterns and are a very good alternative to the lack of daylight outside. A 2010 study published in Psychiatry Research, shows that the antidepressant effects of bright white LED light are far superior to other antidepressant treatments for SAD. The cold weather is enough to make you feel less motivated to do your homework and go to the gym, but small changes such as a light therapy lamp can make a difference. It is also important to take care of yourself and be prepared for shorter days and colder weather. This includes starting a morning routine where you wake up a bit earlier than usual, eating right, and staying active. This doesn’t always mean an hour at the gym, but rather trying to incorporate being active in your daily routines. It’s the small changes that have a bigger difference in your lifestyle, ultimately helping you to alleviate SAD symptoms.

WOMEN’S BASKETBALL  4-4 (THIS WEEK: 1-1)

*Gryphons 75, Nipissing Lakers 65 *Gryphons 59, Laurentian Voyageurs 67 Women’s Basketball currently stands at number 4 in the OUA Western Conference.

MEN’S BASKETBALL  3-5 (THIS WEEK: 2-0)

*Gryphons 81, Nipissing Lakers 80 *Gryphons 83, Laurentian Voyageurs 76 Men’s Basketball currently stands at number 5 in the OUA Western Conference.

MEN’S HOCKEY 4-9  (THIS WEEK: 1-1)

*Gryphons 0, Lakehead Thunderwolves 3 Gryphons 3, U of T Varsity Blues 2 Men’s Hockey currently stands at number 8 in the OUA Western Conference.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL  4-2 (THIS WEEK: 2-0)

Gryphons 3, Lakehead Thunderwolves 1 Gryphons 3, Lakehead Thunderwolves 0 Women’s Volleyball currently stands at number 3 in the OUA Western Conference.

People find that using a light therapy lamp for 15 to 60 minutes per day helps reduce symptoms of season affective disorder. | Photo obtained via Sunbox.

*home game Record: Wins-Losses

CREDIT: ALORA GRIFFITHS

TALK N E R DY TO M E

Movember promotes men’s health issues EXTRA FACIAL HAIR AIMS TO IMPROVE MEN’S QUALITY OF LIFE S TO RY & P H OTO BY TA S H A FA LC O N E R

THIS MONTH YOU are likely to see more facial hair than normal; Movember is upon us. Movember, the combination of moustache and November, was started in Australia in 2003. The movement aims to “stop men dying too young,” by addressing men’s health issues, including prostate cancer, testicular cancer, mental health, and suicide prevention.

Movember works to achieve its goal by bringing awareness to the aforementioned issues and raising

money. To that end, this week’s column will discuss the male sexual health issues of prostate and testicular cancer.

Both prostate and testicular cancer are common in Canadian males. Prostate cancer is the most common, with one in seven males diagnosed in their lifetime.

Whereas, testicular cancer tends to hit earlier than most other cancers, and is therefore the most common cancer among young males in Canada.

According to the Canadian Cancer Society, prostate cancer accounts for 21 per cent of all new cancer cases in males. On average, 58 Canadian males are diagnosed with prostate cancer and 11 die from it each day. Last year, 1,100 Canadian men were diagnosed with testicular cancer, of which 1 in 20 will die.

For both types, early detection is key. Prostate cancer is tested through blood tests and rectal exams, so frequent checkups with a doctor are important. Regular health checkups are good for discovering testicular cancer, but males should also be doing selfchecks for any changes in their testicles. It is important for males

to know what is normal and to discuss any changes, such as lumps or tenderness, with a doctor. According to the Movember charity, 70 per cent of males are not regularly checking their testicles.

While the visual of men’s health

comes in the form of facial hair this month, remember that cancers affecting men’s sexual health are prominent and that early detection is imperative to prolonging males’ lives.

Consider getting involved in Movember, either by donating or educating.

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TH E O NTA R I O N

Joe Policastro Trio provides a different take on iconic movie theme songs A BRIEF LOOK AT MUSIC REIMAGINED THROUGH JAZZ S TO RY & P H OTO S BY A DA M M AU E

ON NOV. 13, Chicago-based jazz group, The Joe Policastro Trio, played at Silence. The show was an A-level display of music. The group, consisting of bandleader Joe Policastro on upright bass, guitarist Dave Miller, and drummer Mikel Avery, played a single set of jazz standards, originals, and reimagined versions of songs from film and television.

The group’s latest album, 2017’s Screen Sounds, is a collection of reimagined music from film and television, and was tapped into over the course of the night with performances of songs from The Godfather, Blade Runner, Yojimbo, and Twin Peaks. It was the group’s

creative retelling of these songs that was most surprising, especially when Policastro’s upright bass played The Godfather’s iconic “Main Title and Love Theme” alone before the rest of the band joined in and turned the song into a completely different musical genre than the original. The group put these familiar songs into unfamiliar yet compelling territory. It was a highly creative approach brought to life by incredible musicianship.

In 2019, the band will release an album of original music entitled Nothing Here Belongs and hopes to play that year’s Guelph Jazz Festival in September. We hope so too.

TOP TEN ALBUMS

01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10

LONELY PARADE* The Pits (Buzz)

HAOLIN MUNK* Planestasia Suite (HAVN Records)

KAIA KATER* Grenades (Smithsonian Folkways)

GREAT LAKE SWIMMERS* The Waves, The Wake (Nettwerk Music Group)

ADRIANNE LENKER Abysskiss (Saddle Creek)

GIRL ARM* Cell Death (Self-Released)

MAKAYA MCCRAVEN

The Joe Policastro Trio played their jazz renditions of popular movie theme songs at their show in Guelph. .

COMMUNITY CHALKBOARD PASSION FOR FASHION? GREAT PART TIME JOB! We are looking for retail experience, organization, customer service and a positive attitude! Stop by Mon - Fri at Wild Rose Consignment Clothing. 23A Macdonell St., Downtown Guelph.

Universal Beings (International Anthem)

MARKER STARLING* Trust An Amateur (Tin Angel)

RICHARD REED PARRY* Quiet River of Dust Vol. 1 (Anti-)

INNES WILSON** Seaview EP (Out Of Sound) *Canadian Artist | **Local Artist

FRED EAGLESMITH SHOW Badenoch Community Centre, 4217 Watson Rd. S, Puslinch. Dec. 13, 7pm. Advanced tickets $30 at The Beat Goes On Guelph + www.fredeaglesmith.com or call 519-583-3878.

BE FEATURED ON THE COMMUNITY CHALKBOARD! To be featured on this page, Send your listing to Patrick at onsales@ uoguelph.ca Listings should be under 30 words and include a title.

Text only. $15 per spot.

ARTS & CULTURE THE ONTARION

@theontarion

Annie the Musical RCMPI PRODUCTION GIVES CHILD PERFORMERS A STAGE TO SHINE S TO RY & P H OTO S BY K A R E N K . T R A N

MORE THAN 125 kids auditioned to be a part of Royal City Music Productions Inc. (RCMPI)’s production of Annie the Musical this year, and two talented young girls were chosen to play the titular role of Annie.

“Me and my best friend used to listen to the soundtrack in her kitchen and take brooms and mops and we’d clean and dance all over her living room,” 11-year-old Reaghan Bogdonov told The Ontarion. “I always imagined myself as Annie.”

Annie will be Bogdonov’s debut into musical theatre. She and 11-year-old Zoё Cantelon have both been rehearsing for the musical, and will be taking turns playing the lead during the six-show run.

“I actually did a production of Annie before I came here [and played the orphan, Molly] and I was super sad because I wanted to be Annie,” said Cantelon. After some convincing from her sister, Cantelon

gained the confidence to audition for RCMPI, and won the part.

“I think being in this play has made me see what theatre has in store for me because one of the things I love about this is that everyone’s so supportive,” said Cantelon.

“If you make mistakes, they say, ‘try harder next time, you got this!’”

The cast is well-practiced in both song and choreography, and the show is made even more impressive with the incredible set designed by Lin Chapman. Any first-time audience members might think it’s a Broadway musical playing in Toronto instead of an unbelievably talented community theatre company.

Annie the Musical is a truly heartwarming tale of an orphan trying to find her family, and for Bogdonov, there’s also a personal connection in playing the role of Annie.

“My mom passed away a few years ago, but she used to take

me here to see plays, including Annie,” Bogdonov said. “I’m really glad I decided to take this opportunity because it definitely changed my life more than anything and I know that my mom would be really proud of me.”

Not only are there co-Annie’s, but six of the main orphan characters also have doubles. Director Jane Martin explained that this was a way to include more kids in the show, as well as to have standbys in case any of the actors became too ill to perform.

“RCMPI has been around for 40 years, and it’s given the youth the chance to shine,” Martin said.

“It’s great to have a show that’s focused on the children because when we’re all long gone, that’s the future. It’s that continuation to make sure that RCMPI is around for another 40 years.”

Annie the Musical plays from Nov. 21 to 25 at the River Run Centre.

Thank you, STAN LEE Reaghan Bogdonov (left) and Dan Kelley (right) star as Annie and Oliver Warbucks in RCMPI’s production of Annie the Musical.

1922-2018

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N OVEM B ER 22, 2018

TH E O NTA R I O N

New PetSmart Charities grant will help women with pets escape domestic violence THE GRANT AWARDED TO THE GUELPH HUMANE SOCIETY COINCIDES WITH WOMEN ABUSE PREVENTION MONTH S T E FA N I A P E R R E L A

AFTER RECEIVING A $13,500 grant from PetSmart Charities of Canada, the Guelph Humane Society in collaboration with Community Veterinary Outreach and Women in Crisis, is able to offer a new Pets in Transition program.

The program will provide pet care for women escaping violent situations for up to three months.

Although violence might only be considered a threat to women and children, violence against family pets can be a risk factor for

domestic violence and even intimate partner homicide in extreme cases, according to the Ontario Domestic Violence Death Review Committee Risk Factor Coding Form.

Violence against pet s is a signal to remove oneself from the cohabited accommodation, which puts women in a difficult situation, according to the Risk Factor Coding Form. A woman ne e d s t o t hu s aba ndon her already victimized and abused pets to protect herself, or she is

forced to find a shelter that allow animals, which can be dangerous or difficult. Taking time to do additional research can allow for an abuser to further perpetuate abuse, or if the abuser finds that the victim is attempting to leave, which could be possible through a search history, the victim’s vulnerability can be increased.

With this program, accomodation for pets is managed, allowing women to focus on their protection and their loved ones, whether they are human or animal. As the needs of some pets can differ from others, this program caters to the distinct needs of these pets with foster caregivers who have specialized training for animals who have experienced violence.

In addition to this specialized placement, this grant allows the Guelph Humane Society to

provide high-quality pet food and preventative and emergency veterinary care for these pets.

Dani LaGiglia, regional relationship manager of PetSmart Charities of Canada, said in a press release that “[PetSmart Charities] believe in the importance of preserving the human-animal bond, no matter what life challenges or circumstances pet parents may be facing. Thanks to the leadership of the Guelph Humane Society and its partners, women in the Guelph region can rest assured that they and

their pets can escape abuse together and begin to heal side by side.”

Maps are of course found all over the Internet, hosted by routing services and local servers; one local example using data from GeoDataHub is an interactive ward-based information map made available to the public in October of 2018 by Abhilash Kantamneni, a graduate student in geography at U of G. The geography depar tment (housed in Hutt building here at U of G) has access to the proprietary software built by Esri, a California company which has nearly 4,000 employees globally, dedicated to producing analytic and artistic components of the robust service package available to paid customers. There is an online hosted free public account option for their ArcGIS Online platform, which can be a helpful way to make use of this Guelph data without

having access to the full desktop suite of options. Open-source data management platforms are also possible options which reduce the cost of managing software, but do not have the same power as Esri to support constant iterations of updated versions.

The Esri website explains the intention behind GIS Day as: “One Fun Day to Celebrate GIS with everyone, Discover and explore the benefits of GIS, Showcase the uses of GIS, Build and nurture your GIS community.”

The first GIS Day was on Nov. 19, 1999 during Geography Awareness Week, led by avid promotion from the National Geographic Society since GIS Week was developed in 1987. Typically events are hosted by schools, alumni, community organizations, and municipal

offices where GIS is fundamental to the daily operations of maintaining public services. Each year the technology has grown to include more interactivity, leading modern events to be held online welcoming contributors in the style of OpenStreetMap — or even Google’s option to suggest map edits. Information is in the acronym, so at the root of all the events, there is a layered understanding of how technically fascinating the capacity is for the software now compared to its early development in the 1960s.

A map of all events (voluntarily submitted) can be found at www.gisday.com in support of open data and communities being strengthened by maps! Examples of products by GIS Day event participants around the globe are found at www.gisday.com/discover-gis.html

CREDIT: FLICKR

City of Guelph celebrates GIS Day with launch of GeoDataHub online GLOBALLY CELEBRATED GIS DAY FEATURES ANNUAL EVENTS WITH MAPPING FOCUS JUDE KEEFE

RECENTLY RELEASED OPEN data of the city of Guelph and surrounding regions titled the GeoDataHub was officially celebrated at a city hall event on GIS Day to promote these resources. One great example of the products found is the Neighbourhood “awesomeness” map, a user-created collection of awesome things about the city.

Globally, Geographic Information Systems (GIS) helped to manage that data by organizing layers of information with useful symbols and associated colours to visualize details in a supportive way for the end user. Most maps produced are designed with a user or purpose in mind, such as a road map for navigating or a single-themed focus like statistics per capita. This means information that isn’t helpful for the user can be omitted. The local event was designed to showcase how city employees and citizens of Guelph use GIS on a daily basis to solve problems that involve spatial data.

Spatial data differs from many online data resources as there is a location element included, and often it uses a map viewer online to

help visualize the extent and detail of the information. This helps the user make the choice of utilizing the data and in what way(s).

As a geographer and cartographer by recent training at COGS (Centre for Geography Sciences) in Lawrencetown, N.S., I have enjoyed making use of this data already this term for The Ontarionfeatured maps showing Guelph voting wards and compost bin locations. The data is easily accessible in a dynamic set of formats for all kinds of users and purposes.

In most of the newspaper maps, data management began by using the KML export option, with Google Earth being my first step in managing this information to compare to known local features. After viewing the data and knowing it covers the extent of Guelph that makes sense for the project at hand, I would open the dataset in whichever other geospatial software makes the most sense for the end product: Esri’s (Environmental Systems Research Institute)’s ArcGIS, or open-source QGIS with plug-ins supporting the functionality of ArcMap more and more with each new upgrade.

NEWS

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THE ONTARION

@theontarion

Minister of education Lisa Thompson visits U of G campus SILENT PROTEST TOOK PLACE DURING PUBLIC MANAGEMENT STUDENT ASSOCIATION EVENT

PC convention, where a resolution was passed to debate whether or not the party should recognize gender identity.

Thompson noted in the question period on Monday, Nov. 19 that the resolution is “non-binding and not government policy,” according to Global News.

After the talk, Thompson spoke to students surrounding her government’s controversial cuts to Ontario’s curriculum. Thompson is the MPP for Weiler in the riding of Huron-Bruce. After the event Weiler spoke to Thompson about the presence of sexualized violence in her area and in rural Ontario more generally.

“I told her that more work needs to be done because rural Ontario is lacking the education and resources for students [and] youth,” Weiler said. “We have to challenge sexual violence and work on mental health because the two can be heavily related.”

Weiler also wanted to note that according to Thompson the 2015 sex ed. curriculum is partially taught in schools.

The student group who hosted the event stressed the importance of dialogue and political debate’s role in the democratic process.

“We believe in the strength in diversity of perspective in political conversations. By bringing students of all different ideologies together to discuss public education we are strengthening our democracy,” the University of Guelph Public Management Association told The Ontarion.

Retraction notice Please note that the article “Canadaland investigation reveals Kielburger’s WE brand linked to child labour” printed in issue 185.7 has been retracted by The Ontarion.

COMPILED BY MATTEO CIMELLARO ONTARIO PCS TO DEBATE WHETHER GENDER IDENTITY EXISTS Ontario’s PC Party have passed a resolution to debate whether or not the party should recognize the existence of gender identity. The resolution was motioned by social conservative and parental rights advocate Tanya Granic Allen and says that gender identity is a “highly controversial, unscientific liberal ideology,” which should not be taught in Ontario schools. Minister of Education Lisa Thompson said that it was non-binding and not a government policy in the legislature on Monday, Nov. 19.

M AT T E O C I M E L L A R O

EDUCATION MINISTER Lisa Thompson, who is a U of G public management graduate, spoke to a group of Public Management students about Ontario’s education on Wednesday, Nov. 14. The event was also open to the public and was attended by students of different political backgrounds.

“It was important to hear from Lisa Thompson because we deserve to know what is going on in our government and education system,” the University of Guelph Public Management Association told The Ontarion. “We heard from the Minister of Education’s perspective and she answered questions that provided students with more information and in this era information is key to moving forward.”

Two students staged a silent protest during the talk, holding signs opposing the PC government’s cancellation of the 2015 sex ed. curriculum and a curriculum rewrite that would have boosted Indigenous content.

“Our actions were a way to stand up for proper education that teaches gender identity and better Indigenous content in Ontario schools,” Kayla Weiler, the Central Student Association’s VP External and silent protester at the event, told The Ontarion.

“This is important because when one of us is under attack, we are all under attack of more cuts from the government.”

The event follows a controversial return to the 1998 sex ed. curriculum this past summer, and occured days before the Ontario

ON the Radar

Minister of Education Lisa Thompson. | Photos by Adam Maue

TORONTO POLICE CHARGE STUDENTS AT ST. MICHAEL Six students of the all-boys high school have been charged with assault and sexual assault on Monday, Nov. 19 amidst a scandal over a string of incidents documented on social media. In the 22-second video obtained and viewed by the Toronto Star, a teen is held down by a group of boys while being sexually assaulted with what looks like a broomstick.

The principal of the school has been criticized for not acknowledging the incidents until recently.

GILLER PRIZE WINNER ESI EDUGYAN Esi Edugyan won the $100,000 Scotiabank Giller Prize for her third novel, Washington Black.

Edugyan has now won two Giller Prizes, and has three published novels. Known as the biggest literary award in Canada, the Giller Prize celebrated its 25th anniversary on Monday, Nov. 19.

OTTAWA HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS CHARGED SEXUAL ASSAULT A CBC investigation has reported that three teachers at Bell High School in Ottawa sexually assaulted dozens of students for decades. Music teachers Tim Stanutz and Bob Clarke as well as basketball coach Don Greenham were all charged within a week of each other in 2016, according to CBC. CBC reports that students, parents, and teachers all voiced concerns, yet reported that the administration did little to nothing.

185.10 | Nov. 22, 2018

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER

ANNIE

THE MUSICAL P. 17

The Ontarion competitive puzzle contest! See p. 10-11 Prizes to be won. Yeet.