Character Starts at Home

By: Beenish Khurshid San Francisco, California

Character starts at home is a seven parts series started to address common abuses around our society . Some of it is slowly passed down the generations silently, while some of them are widely used as Islamic way of life. This series tends to address the difference between what Allah has permitted and what is out of bound from the get go. The second of this series addresses Religious Abuse.

RELIGIOUS ABUSE

Religious Abuse is the misuse or manipulation of religious texts or doctrine to achieve an end that is incompatible with the true nature of the Deen. Below we discuss some examples of religious abuse, which is rampant in our communities. In each of these examples, we'll discuss how religion is used, not to spread good or to bring us closer to the ultimate and unique divine, but to control, gain an advantage, or conform to a standard that is not Islam.

Religious abuse At Home:

1. Applying different standards of religious acceptability to different individuals. For example:

a. Father can shake hands with women, but daughter must wear hijab outside (but not when potential suitors come to visit)

b. Son is allowed to be out alone late at night, no questions asked (don't know where, with who, doing what). Daughter can't meet up with her female friends whose names you know at 5:00 for dinner at a known dinner stop.

c. Father can be rude and disrespectful to mother, but son cannot speak up to father, even to warn him about haram behaviour as Ibrahim AS warned his father.

d. Son can tell the mother what to do. But the older daughter must obey younger brother, and deal with his disrespect and physical abuse. But the daughter may not even speak or object.

e. Telling daughters that if they lose their virginity, even if they are raped, they are tainted. Finding the most pure wife for your son whom you know has a girlfriend, despite the Quran explicitly prohibiting marriage between chaste women and unchaste men in two different verses.

2. Claiming culture to be religion. For example:

a. Telling your daughter she has to marry within the culture, and forcing her to marry (through threats or emotional manipulation) despite her unwillingness.

b. Force her to be happy and content with your choice for her in marriage despite knowing that she is suffering, and taking no action to provide her support.

3. Changing Islam to fit a narrative of control. For example:

a. Claiming that a wife must seek approval from her husband to visit her parents.

b. Claiming that a wife must live with and obey her in-laws even if it isn't working out

c. As a wife, claiming that you can't visit or live with in-laws because they are non-mahram d. Practising secret second marriages instead of facing and dealing with the problems in the first marriage head on.

4. Being selective about which aspects of religion to apply. For example:

a. Reminding wives that they must obey their husbands, and that hitting your spouse is allowed. But omitting all of the very many verses and hadith that talk about the importance of good treatment of the wife

b. Asserting your right to marry multiple women and divorce at will. Omitting the fact that the Qur'an asks men to give a parting gift to wives they divorce.

c. Going to Jummah prayers, and coming home only to share the parts the imam mentioned that have to do with the woman obeying the husband, and completely omitting what the imam mentioned about the obligations on men to be chartered towards their wives

d. A husband demanding his right to have sex at any time, but taking no care to pleasure, satisfy, or make his wife happy in any way as is his obligation as documented in many ahadith.

Religious abuse extends beyond the home and in our societies in many ways. For example:

a. Misguided Imams may meet with single women on their own, and convince them that secret second marriages are permissible (there is not such thing as a secret marriage in Islam), or officiate secret marriages, or marriages without a Wali (Guardian) or a valid reason why all potential Walis were invalidated.

b. Stifling civic debate, and allowing leaders to rule as tyrants pulling the "unity is better" card, despite the explicit guidance of the Prophet to stand against oppressors, and the guidance of the Qur'an to stand for justice even if it be against yourselves.

c. Imams in marriage counselling telling women to be patient, despite clear signs of financial or other forms of abuse, while not telling the man anything about how his behaviour is wrong, and he should stop if he fears Allah. (In these cases, one wonders if the Imam himself fears Allah or the society of men more)

d. Telling women that they should stay at home, home school their kids, and not get a job (despite many of the Prophet’s wives having some sort of income, trade, or function in the social sphere such as nursing, midwifery, or teaching men), while not providing the woman with a stipend to spend as she wishes (as was the tradition at the time of the Prophet). Then also claiming that the same woman has no right to financial support or assistance from the ex-husband whom she served, and whose children she served, for the past 10+ years, for which she was never compensated in the slightest.

e. Aunty X telling mom that she needs to pray tahajjud and home-school her kids, and that if she prays her prayers too quickly, her prayer doesn’t count. Aunty X, while having home-schooled her kids and regularly praying tahajjud, does not maintain good relationships with her family and in-laws, hits her kids, and is dishonest in speech when interacting with people to trade or when filing taxes.

I’ve provided quite a few examples here, but this is also because religious abuse is just so common and widespread in our society.

So how does one tell the difference between religious abuse and religious guidance?

There are a few key indicators:

1. Deeds are by intentions

2 . Do for others what you wish for yourself

3. Unrealistic and above the bar standards

4. Is the advice really Islam?

In most of the examples above, I can call out the true intention of the abuser as something other than pleasing Allah SWT. For example, the intention of a father that has different rules for daughters and sons is usually not to create a household of imaan. Instead, the intention is often to “protect the family honour” - as in, if a son sleeps around, no one will find out, but if a daughter sleeps around, she’ll get pregnant and we will be looked down upon in the community.

Another example is the husband that says a wife must seek permission before leaving the house. At face value, it may seem he is just trying to implement his (misguided ) version of Islam. But in actuality, men who try to emphasise these rules are often insecure, and use these rules to control their wives to make themselves feel more secure and in control. Again, the true intention is not piety. A God-conscious husband would introspect, recognize that his wife has needs, and strive to fulfil them, as is the obligation according to the Qur’an and sunnah, which includes the wife’s need to socialise, spend time in the sun, and enjoy the fresh air.

The Aunty X example above is one where, the intentions of Aunty X may be pure - she’s trying to bring mom closer to her version of Islam. But there are a few serious flaws to her approach that make this religious abuse:

a. Aunty X is focusing on how others don’t meet her level of excellence on things she does well. This energy is then diverted away from improving her own flaws. Depending on how severe this tendency is, this may be a sign of self-righteousness, Riya (showing off), and hypocrisy in Aunty X.

b. Aunty X sets standards for women that are well above and beyond the Qur’an and sunnah. While she is advocating for good, she is advocating for *her brand* of good. While well intentioned, this created an insular and single minded society, whereas Allah SWT has created many doors to Jannah, and encouraged us to go through whichever door pleases us.

c. Aunty X makes things into Islam which really aren’t. Islam is a very open and liberal religion. It does have a few very strict regulations, but the vast majority of things are left up to individuals to decide, and use their conscience to pick what they feel is closer to Allah. Homeschooling may be something some people feel brings their family closer to Allah. But it is by no means the only way to raise a good family, and is not legislated in Islam in any way. Likewise, praying Tahajjud is encouraged as an optional nawafil. But if mom wants to help the neighbours instead, that is also an optional nawafil, and who is to say which one is more meritorious.

So how does one prevent themselves from being a religious abuser?

1. Focus on improving yourself first and foremost

2. When interacting with others, double check your intentions. Are you bringing up religion out of sincere desire to bring yourself, your family, or community closer to Allah, or are you doing it as a means of exercising control, demonstrating superiority, or gaining community acceptance?

3. Is your advice really Islam, or is it a cultural principal, fad, or your personal inclination? There is nothing wrong with sharing ideas. Just make sure you make clear what is Islam and what is your opinion or belief, and give people space to make choices different from your advice without feeling judged.

4. Is the bar you are setting for people the bar that Rasullulah set for his Ummah, or are you setting the bar higher (often done for women), or the bar lower (often done for men). In either case, you are inadvertently either making Islam harder or more narrow minded, or making haram halal in order to appease people.

5. Instead of telling someone what to do, can you instead help them with what they are struggling with. For example, by offering to babysit their children, or taking your daughter about her life, thoughts and concerns.

It can be a fine line to walk, but with some introspection, and wisdom, we can all be lights in the community encouraging and supporting each other closer to the straight path, and end the use of religion as a means of abuse of people.

Photo by Stanislav Filipov on Unsplash