A FRIEND INDEED

By: Shaista Khurshid, Calgary Alberta

Relationships are an important part of a human life. Friendships are one of them. Friendships can be based on mutual love, or based on selfishness or superficial needs. Regardless, friendships have a life and duration of their own. Likewise, it sometimes tests one’s patience and can force us to look deeply and learn about ourselves.

Since our childhood, as we love to connect; we tend to create a social circle around us. This is usually formed with having like minded friends. In all likelihood, as we spend a large part of our lives with friends, the companionship turns into a unique bond where our friends become someone whom we cherish and rely upon. The reliance could be in advice, help, difficulties, pains, in celebrations or in joy and fun. Regardless of the reliance, whether it is a lifelong friendship or short lived, it inevitably tends to evolve as we grow. Some friendships turn into group friendships while some remain uniquely singular.

Friendships can also be particularly different in meaning for different people. Regardless, all relationships are based on trust, empathy, truth, honesty, helpfulness, and understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses. This relationship is armed with good, solid, and unbiased advice. It is like when we help others conscientiously and make seventy excuses if we encounter any ill about others. This friendship is also to stand up for their friend’s honour behind their back

وَٱلْمُؤْمِنُونَ وَٱلْمُؤْمِنَـٰتُ بَعْضُهُمْ أَوْلِيَآءُ بَعْضٍۢ ۚ يَأْمُرُونَ بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ وَيَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ ٱلْمُنكَرِ وَيُقِيمُونَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَيُؤْتُونَ ٱلزَّكَوٰةَ وَيُطِيعُونَ ٱللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُۥٓ ۚ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ سَيَرْحَمُهُمُ ٱللَّهُ ۗ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَزِيزٌ حَكِيمٌۭ

"The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakat and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those - Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise." 9:71 (Sahih International)

When a Muslim creates a community around themselves, they create it based on what Allah has taught him. He is fully aware of the rights of the other human and has the strength to say ‘no’ or pull themselves out of a situation when a friendship becomes toxic or abusive. A Muslim is fully cognizant that relationships can be a test or a blessing. He makes sure that his relation to other human beings does not become “I scratch your back and you scratch mine”, and instead he treads carefully and is mindful of Allah.

A Muslim loves his friend and cares about him or her deeply; but if he sees something wrong, and understands that this friendship might pull him into something sinister such as, nepotism,, gossip, or immoral or ill ethical behaviours; his warning system gets triggered. He takes a high road by enjoining what's good and forbidding what is wrong, politely and firmly. These friendships are based on helping each other to do good and to spread goodness.

He also understands that relationships based on need, competition, selfishness, jealousy, and hypocrisy are not friendships. Likewise friendships based on promoting wrong and suppressing goodness are also not a friendship. Though on the surface it might feel like companionship, where one might help each other. It is a toxic conundrum from which one cannot get out of. In this type of friendship, as soon as one becomes dispensable, the relationship evaporates. The Quran describes friendship in the following Ayah.

الْمُنَافِقُونَ وَالْمُنَافِقَاتُ بَعْضُهُم مِّن بَعْضٍ ۚ يَأْمُرُونَ بِالْمُنكَرِ وَيَنْهَوْنَ عَنِ الْمَعْرُوفِ وَيَقْبِضُونَ أَيْدِيَهُمْ ۚ نَسُوا اللَّهُ فَنَسِيَهُمْ ۗ إِنَّ الْمُنَافِقِينَ هُمُ الْفَاسِقُونَ

“The hypocrite men and hypocrite women are of one another. They enjoin what is wrong and forbid what is right and close their hands. They have forgotten Allah, so He has forgotten them [accordingly]. Indeed, the hypocrites - it is they who are the defiantly disobedient.” 9:67

All those relationships described above have the same criteria of helping each other, watching each other's backs and doing and promoting collective measures, but with opposite intentions and deliverables. So, which one would be pleasing to Allah?

Having friends is great, though, as a human we should understand that even if we see friends as the epitome of our relationships, we should know that not every relationship is based on goodness for our hearts but instead some are totally superficial and are based on hypocrisy and self serve.

One should be aware of what, and why we have made friends? Did we satisfy our superficial desires or is it based on honesty and truth? Do we carry out the dignity of this relationship or drop it when our whims are met. Do we rely upon our friends fully to enhance us in goodness and help us navigate the process in this life to please Allah, or not. Are we the friends who would uphold justice and fairness regardless of the situation or do we succumb to our desires or the desires of our friends?

There is a lot to ask ourselves before we deep dive into vast oceans of friendships. Relationships can be blessings or tests. It's our job as adults to choose those which benefit us both in this world and hereafter. Seek good friends, but also, become the friend we always long for.

Title Photo by Yousef Espaniol on Unsplash