SELF RESPECT

By: Beenish Khurshid, San Francisco, California

Imagine you are at a party. The people from your school are there. Your classmates. Maybe a guy you like, or a girl you want to be friends with. Everyone is laughing and having fun. And a guy pulls you into his lap - “hey sit down, watch this”. You don’t know what to do and you don’t want to cause a scene, so you sit in his lap - very uncomfortable at the situation. The guys start taking shots. And then they start egging you on - “come’on girl. Chug. oh you can’t handle it? Don’t be such a wuss”

When most Muslims think of a situation like this, they think: no. No, my daughter is never going to be in this situation. No, this is wrong. No, this should never happen. But it does. This does happen. I’ve watched guys pull girls into their lap at school as they squirm. And I’ve watched them sit there, smile and laugh pretending to enjoy it.

I have also watched women bend over backwards trying to make their insatiable husbands and in-laws happy. Nothing was good enough. I’ve watched girls pucker their lips, and show off their most appealing angle on social media. I’ve watched young women change who they are, slip down their hijab, ‘tone down’ who they are to be more ‘marriageable’. Because there aren’t a lot of men in the world and we have to really sell ourselves to have a shot at married life.

Sell ourselves. That is a theme I’ve noticed about womanhood. Sell your looks. Sell your body. Sell your heart. Sell your life. Sell who you are. For what? For whom?

“Satan threatens you with poverty and orders you to immorality, while Allah promises you forgiveness from Him and bounty. And Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (2:268)

That is why I have come to believe the most important thing for a young woman to know is self-respect.

What is self-respect? Merriem-Webster offers two definitions: ‘a proper respect for oneself as a human being’

Or

‘regard for one's own standing or position’

What is the position of a woman?

Well the religious propaganda will tell you that women are precious as pearls and that is why we cover and protect them.

Let’s be real. This is what our everyday life teaches us about the position of a woman:

~You have to get married. You have to sell yourself to get married. You have to look beautiful, talk nicely, and get people to like you. Otherwise you will stay single forever

~You don’t have any likes? Wow. okay. Well, show yourself off a bit. Share your life. Well if you had a bit of concealer on. A little more gloss. If the camera angle. If your hair was showing a bit more. Right. Now, you look good. You look hot girl!

~If your husband isn’t happy, you aren’t a good wife. Your husband will leave you and cheat on you and it will be your fault.

~ Don’t go out alone at night, you’ll get raped and get pregnant and your life will be ruined

~ If your mother in law isn’t happy with you, she’ll convince your husband to leave you and you’ll be alone

What we’ll find in all of these statements is that our sense of self-worth is dependent on others - on how others see us, on how others see us, and what others give or take away from us. That is who we are told we are.

But what if I told you that all this, it's rubbish. What if I told you that the most important thing about you, what defines you, is who you are on the inside. When you look inside your heart when you are alone, who are you? What do you feel? What do you hope for? What do you think about? What do you aspire to, and what do you believe? When you know no one is with you but God, what choices do you make? When you have not a care in the world, not a worry, who are you?

This is you, and this is what defines you. Respect it.

There will be plenty in the world who will tell you you are nothing if you don’t do as they say. These are, in Islamic parlance, false gods. Demi-gods we have set-up for ourselves. Gods we don’t realize we worship, but we do. We worship our husbands - we obey them above all else. We worship our followers - we thrive and live by their validation. We revere our perceived status and what others think of us. We think that is who we are.

But just like prayer begins with Takbir Tahrima (it is said that this raising of hands to the ears was meant to expose and release any idols that one was holding on to), and shahadah begins with “There is no God”, we must first purge ourselves of our false idols to be grounded, true and free.

Imagine yourself as a doll. Each of the people from whom we seek validation has tied a string to us - our arm, our wrist, our leg, our ankle - till we are little more than puppets. Willing to turn this way, and smile that way for the ones in charge of us.

But we are not dolls. We are humans. Fully capable, intelligent, free-willed people, exactly as God alone has designed us. It is time we cut our strings. One by one. Until we experience what true freedom and empowerment feels like.

God does not teach us to be subjugated and debased. In fact God states: “We have certainly created man in the best of stature” (95:4). So then why do we debase ourselves? Why do we bow to these false gods? God teaches us to worship, to bow to none but Him alone - the true Sovereign, Creator, Master of All Things, Source of Love, and Source of Power.

If we seek power, no one can grant it except Him. If we seek love. None can grant it except Him. Do we really believe that our antics will get us further in life? God himself says: “No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register1 before We bring it into being - indeed that, for Allah, is easy - In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you. And Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful - [Those] who are stingy and enjoin upon people stinginess. And whoever turns away1 - then indeed, Allah is the Free of need, the Praiseworthy.” (57:22-24)

So then why do we focus all this energy begging others to give us what we want, when they hold no power to grant us such? “Yet they have adopted other gods, beside Him, who do not create any thing, as they themselves are created, and they possess no power to cause harm or benefit even to themselves, nor do they have any control over death or life or resurrection.” (25:3). Why do we instead not look within, see that God has put a light inside each of us. A shining lamp. A lamp of inspiration and beauty. A lamp of hope and purpose. A lamp of creation and love. And why do we instead not focus on shining that lamp as bright as it can shine. Feeding it, nurturing it, and pointing it in the best direction.

The judgments of others do not matter. What does matter is our own judgment of our own behavior, and how well that aligns with our internal beliefs. Stop chasing. The attempts to fit in anywhere except inside your own self are futile. There will always be judgment.

I too have been in positions where boys have asked me to do things - go for coffee, hug them, all in good fun, just friendly, fitting in. What you’ll be surprised to learn is that it is easy enough to say no. It is empowering enough to say no. It is inspiring enough to make your own choices. To not get pressured by what they think or what he wants. But instead choose to be who you want to be. Choose to be who you are. Choose to follow your own path, your own purpose, your own life.

It can feel like an empty road sometimes. But the beauty of an empty road is that there is much to see in the future. God populates that road for you, if only you choose to have faith. Courage. You need a little bit of it. But it leads to eons of self-respect, peace, and strength like no other.

God be with you my women.

Some Article Post-Notes:

~ Hijab is a touchy subject. There is a lot of judgment that gets thrown around. I want to make clear here that the purpose of this article is to say that my judgment about *you* does not matter. What matters is what you see when you look inside, and how well you feel *you* are aligning with your *own* moral compass. We all (constantly) find that we are misaligned. That process and desire to self correct has to come within - and for the purpose of becoming closer to Allah and purifying oneself for the Akhirah. *Not* to fit in and be liked, and to avoid judgements of people.