LET'S TALK LONELINESS: I want to be in Your Shoes

By: Rabia Saad, Karachi, Pakistan

On multiple occasions while surfing through YouTube, I came across diverse talks, from all parts of the world, on the idea of isolation. As I further observed, there’s a growing focus to distinguish ‘being alone’ from ‘being lonely’.

This is more so due to health experts being concerned with a growing number of people feeling lonely. There is considerable reporting of the consequences in terms of people increasingly suffering from heart disease, mental health disorders, and even dealing with suicidal thoughts. But there is less reporting and emphasis where, if somebody complains of being lonely, it comes with social stigmas.

This stigmatization equally extends to Muslim and non-Muslim social setups. Unfortunately, common rhetoric keeps Muslims attributing loneliness to non-Muslims and western social setup where family structures are either absent or weak. As a matter of fact, these perceived notions make them oblivious of the inequity and disconnect within their own Shahadah reciting homes, void of husn-e-ikhlaq in their interpersonal relationships.

In these same Muslim households, there are women who might not want to start their mornings - they feel a lump in their throat. There are men, and also women, who do not want to return to their home after work. There are silent adolescents who are so angry as if their mind would explode. There are young children who only know how to shout and protest. All of these characters are distant from their own family members within the shared walls. All of them can’t talk to each other because they fear being judged, ridiculed or simply heard but not listened to.

The reason is not any rivalry or enmity towards each other but purely a lack of empathy (when one cannot feel what the other person is feeling).

I was able to talk to a friend about her notions of loneliness. To maintain confidentiality, I would rather refer to her as ‘F’.

The case of ‘F’ is of abuse-victim-loneliness. This year will mark her 40th year of married life. She has led a life with the full load of responsibilities and engagements of a family; with husband, 5 children, her own family with 13 siblings and a similarly large family of in-laws. But when she talks about her life-long association with her partner or parents or in-laws, she only feels disowned. Today at the age of 55, ‘F’ only follows escapism. Despite being in the middle of many relationships, situations and in-depth family engagement, she has zero self-confidence or trust in any person. She is under constant stress - believing that she’s not a good wife, not a good mother and not a good daughter.

Her major complaint is that there has been no capacity or effort shown towards her, for her to be heard, understood or acknowledged. She dropped out of school in 5th grade because she felt greatly insulted, when her teacher scolded her mercilessly. The next day, when she simply stopped going to school, nobody in her family bothered or asked her ‘why’. Maybe young girls at home add more support to the household, by doing chores, something traditionally more appropriate. Her feeling of inadequacy began. She was only taking care of her huge clan with 12 siblings, which more and more restricted her chances of being heard.

At the age of 22, she started feeling physically weak, aged and numb. She had gotten married by this time but was only performing always in search of an ear to pour out her feelings into. She couldn’t get that ear, rather she got hit by her husband on demanding that ear, not once but repeatedly. The door to escape closed when she got married, ‘F’ says, “Once you know there’s no returning to the parents’ house, you also know it’s useless to tell them anything.”

I think her choosing not to approach her parents regarding marital abuse could have been different, if they had bothered to ask in the first place about her leaving school. Because nobody asked or guided her; she was left only with a 5th grade education; least prepared, both socially and academically, for the life ahead. ‘F’ says, “It already isolates you from your surroundings, because most of the time you are embarrassed to be the least educated or knowledgeable.”

While sharing her views, ‘F’ also mentioned her struggles with one of her differently-abled child. But she was not limited to the idea of herself being alone in the struggle, she was also able to seek through the loneliness of individuals with mental or physical challenges. So much so that while talking for this interview, she was able to empathize with transgenders on the streets of Karachi, and their experience of abandonment by their own families and the society at large.

And just after this, ‘F’ realized that she had never ever before been able to empathize with the loneliness of stigmatized people, but now she is able to do that, as part of ‘this conversation’. This definitely indicates the need to hold all forms of conversations about people, situations and society, so that people and issues do not get stigmatized.

According to ‘F’, the burden of being alone is so heavy that you want to quit all the time but with the same rigour you have to put up the honor and stake of relationships. And loneliness hits hard when it is only the job of the woman to maintain that honor and stake. The complaining of being lonely will only make her inappropriate for the job, lesser of a woman.

‘F’ thinks that is why men cannot even imagine hinting at their loneliness. They cannot afford to be less of a man. Rather, they blame the women for their feelings of inadequacy. And the women add this blame as another challenge in their already long list, to be met with the same vigour that she is expected to display.

Because of COVID, the year 2020 brought the harsh reality of households in the limelight suffering from perpetual marital discord.Domestic abuse rose exponentially. Not only were women victimized, but children and men suffered as well. The vulnerability of the times highlighted the loneliness within, and the intolerance outward.

COVID did not make us lonely, the loneliness was already there. What was not there was the empathy, care and softness of Husn-e-Ikhlaq towards each living species in our surrounding. The pandemic has exposed the widening of the divide in more intense ways. The Muslim population was hugely mobilized towards charity in these times, which is an encouraging aspect, but charity begins at home. Our homes have become more vulnerable with loss of lives, loss of jobs and loss of normalcy. And the best charity for the family members would be the beauty of attitude.

COVID-19 has pushed some significant conversations and let’s hope that empathy for each other takes precedence.

Photo By Judson Moore on Unsplash