The Stranger Vol. 22, No. 44

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Volume 22, Issue Number 44 July 3–9, 2013

Study Guide Questions for The Stranger, Volume 22, Issue 44

1. In a personal essay, DAN SAVAGE somehow manages to turn the Supreme Court’s overruling of the Defense of Marriage Act into musings on his own mortality. It’s only at the end of the piece that Savage deigns to mention the effects of the Supreme Court’s DOMA ruling on other gay couples. On a narcissism scale of 1 to 100, with 1 being Gandhi and 100 being the Mount Rainier of sociopathy and solipsism, where in the high 90s does Savage fall?

2a. PAUL CONSTANT writes at length— at length—about the acting prowess of Nicolas Cage. Near the middle of the piece, we discover that Constant is promoting his own Nic Cage film festival. Even though Constant isn’t earning any money from the festival’s proceeds, how unethical is this content? Would you call it more or less unethical than EMILY NOKES’s recent article about how great a Stranger-sponsored music festival was going to be? Or all the hyping of Stranger-sponsored events around the Genius Awards (see #3)? Defend your position with pie charts.

2b. Also: Nic Cage?

3. Speaking of advertorial content, this is The Stranger’s annual Suggests Issue, which is filled with staff picks of things to do and see this summer. In other words: adoring little blurbicles enthusing over all the different ways in which Seattle consumers can spend money on products and services sold by businesses, some of which happen to advertise in The Stranger Does this issue represent the nadir of The Stranger’s annual publishing schedule? If not, how could it possibly get any worse?

4. The illustration for GOLDY’s news piece about the state budget is a nude depiction of Washington State senator Rodney Tom. Besides being a desperate attempt to coax people into reading more than a thousand stultifying words about a complex issue, could there possibly be any other sane motivation to implant the image of Rodney Tom’s shriveled buttocks in readers’ brains?

5. Since, as indicated by the above questions, this week’s issue of The Stranger is virtually unreadable, please demonstrate five other uses for the print edition of the paper, such as origami clothing or leaky-refrigerator-box lining. Be as environmentally conscious as possible!

Submit your answers at THESTRANGER.COM

Find podcasts, videos, blogs, MP3s, free classifieds, personals, contests, sexy ads, and more on The Stranger’s website. COVER ART

90 Pine Show by BUSTER SIMPSON, 1983.

At the Frye Art Museum (fryemuseum.org) through October 13.

LAST DAYS

The Week in Review BY

CIENNA MADRID

MONDAY, JUNE 24 This week of Supreme Court rulings, open sores, and sore losers kicks off with a good ol’ fashioned battle of the sexes, medical horrors edition. First up, a young Chinese woman was hospitalized after her breast implant exploded in her chest . The cause of the rupture? A fourhour marathon session of the iPhone game Dragon Summon, played while she was lying on her stomach. “A doctor said the low quality of the implant, combined with the pressure of lying on it for an extended period of time, had caused the rupture,” reports the Daily Mail, which adds that the woman originally underwent breast enlargement surgery “to boost her low selfesteem.”

•• Meanwhile, police responding to a burglar alarm at a middle school in Ypsilanti, Michigan, were confronted with a man “kneeling outside the school and bloody from the waist down, with parts of his genitals ripped off,” reports the Detroit Free Press “He mutilated his genitals with his bare hands,” Sergeant Geoff Fox later told reporters, noting that officers had a hard time making “constructive conversation” with the man. The 41-year-old victim was rushed to the nearest hospital, along with the salvageable “parts of the man’s body,” as the Detroit Free Press delicately calls testicle scraps. The man, who reportedly had no history of mental health issues or drug abuse, later told investigators that he’d been high on hallucinogenic mushrooms when he reportedly broke into the school and attacked his own penis.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25 The week continues with the name on everyone’s lips: Wendy

DEAR WIZARD HATER:

Fuck you. Yeah you, the asshole who took the time out of your probably miserable day to write about how much you loathe the Wizard murals on Capitol Hill. You probably don’t have a single drop of artistic value in your hatemongering soul. I have a grand idea that would satisfy me and help you get rid of the Wizard murals. How about sticking each one you see up your ass? Your obnoxious tone hints that you haven’t gotten laid in a while, anyway. And just in case you were wondering, I am not the artist.

—Anonymous

Davis . Today, the Texas state senator launched a marathon filibuster on the senate floor to block anti-abortion legislation that would ban most abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy and close all but five abortion clinics operating in the nation’s second-biggest and most populous state. The scene was captivating: Davis strapped on a catheter and a pair of pink running shoes and, following strict filibuster rules, spoke about the legislation for 11 hours nonstop, without resting, eating, drinking, or even leaning. Throughout it all, Davis embodied grace under pressure, even as her Republican peers interrupted and eventually silenced her by illegally breaking her filibuster two hours before the special session’s midnight deadline. Fortunately, Davis wasn’t the only badass on the senate floor: Her fellow Democrats picked up where she left off, repeatedly stalling the bill’s vote.

“Parliamentary inquiry,” one would begin, before asking a long procedural question or reading paragraphs directly from the senate rulebook. Senator Leticia Van de Putte— who had rushed to the senate floor from her father’s funeral—even asked, after a motion of hers was ignored for a colleague’s, “Did the president hear me, or did the president hear me and refuse to recognize me?” Then: “Parliamentary inquiry… At what point must a female senator raise her hand or her voice to be recognized over her male colleagues?”

Following Van de Putte’s last inquiry, which came 15 minutes before the deadline, “the orange-clad abortion-rights supporters packed in the gallery burst into cheers,” reports the Guardian . “Their shouts grew louder and louder until they drowned out the final minutes of the session, preventing Republicans from passing the bill.”

•• Tomorrow, noted dickhead and sore loser Governor Rick Perry will convene another 30-day special legislative session to attempt to pass the anti-abortion bill. Still, let us praise the lady-loving lord we have women like Senator Davis in politics. (Now strap on those pink running shoes and run for higher office, please.)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26

Cresting on yesterday’s victory for women come two historic victories for the gays, courtesy of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS). First, the court issued a 5-to-4 ruling that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), which bans federal recognition of same-sex marriage, “is unconstitutional as a deprivation of the equal liberty of persons that is protected by the Fifth Amendment,” states the majority opinion, authored by Justice Anthony Kennedy. “The opinion and its holding are confined to those lawful marriages.” Or, as SCOTUSblog says in plain English, “Samesex couples who are legally married must now be treated the same under federal law as married opposite-sex couples,” including gay and lesbian couples in Washington State, who are now entitled to more than 1,000 federal benefits, including tax breaks and Social Security coverage. Hurrah!

•• Also today, SCOTUS kicked a case on California’s same-sex marriage ban, Proposition 8, back to the lower courts, which

ONE HULK’S OPINION

Hulk Hate Firework! by the Incredible Hulk

HULK HATE FIREWORK! What! You say, “Hulk no fun”? “Hulk act tough, but Hulk kind of effeminate”? “Hulk sound like barnyard bird laying eggs”? YOU NOT KNOW HULK! YOU NOT KNOW WHAT HULK BEEN THROUGH! Hulk spend entire life hiding from army. Army shoot bombs at Hulk! One time, Hulk hide in mountain cave for THREE WEEKS while army throw bombs and hurt Hulk feelings!

HULK PSYCHIATRIST DIAGNOSE HULK WITH HULK-TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME! Puny human ever hear of that?

That why Hulk—in partnership with Seattle Fire Department—issue following PSA. Ahem

“Hey, puny human. Hulk here talk about firework. Sure, firework make loud noise and associated with liberty. But you am not at liberty to use illegal firework! (Heh.)

“Did you know it am illegal to have firework fly or explode more than 12 inches in air or six feet on ground? Did you know firecracker, bottle rocket, and cherry bomb am illegal in Washington? IT AM LAW! LOOK IT UP!

“Every year, puny hillbilly Paul in Hulk neighborhood shoot bottle rocket on June 1 and stop sometime around Christmas. PAUL NOT CLEAN UP MESS! PAUL MAKE FIRE HAZARD! PAUL FRIGHTEN DOGS AND HULK! Look, Hulk like fun as much as next puny human scientist mutated by gamma rays. But Paul am selfish! Paul not play it safe! And if Hulk catch Paul firing bottle rocket on July 10? HULK… WILL… SMASH!!!

“If Hulk not hiding under bed, that is. Or in mountain cave. Mountain cave very lonely. Maybe you visit? Don’t tell Paul!

“SAY NO TO FIREWORK! SAY YES TO HULK FEELINGS! SAY NO TO PAUL!”

bodes well for Californian gay couples, as a federal judge ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional in 2010. “The state’s governor has already ordered state officials to begin issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples,” reports SCOTUSblog, although it will take a few days for those marriages to begin in earnest. (Stay tuned for Friday!)

THURSDAY, JUNE 27 The week continues with a swarm of unlikely heroes, as police responding to reports of elder abuse at an Auburn home discovered a 70-yearold woman fused to her soiled bedding, near death, and covered in flesh-eating maggots . But in this case, the maggots seemed to be more helpful than the woman’s 46-yearold daughter, with whom she lived. As Komonews.com reports, the older woman had a “septic, gangrenous wound [that] could have taken her leg,” and that the “maggots may have helped keep [the woman] alive due to the fact that they were eating the rotting skin that was infected and helping to slow the infection,” as King County Sheriff’s Detective Marylisa Priebe-Olson stated in court documents. First responders in hazmat suits quickly transported the woman to Valley Medical Center in critical condition, where “medical staff removed hundreds of maggots from her body,” says Komonews.com. When interviewed by investigators, daughter Sherrie Morton claimed that she’d changed her mother’s diaper and bedding a mere two days prior, and that the maggots had appeared the

very day police arrived. King County prosecutors have charged Morton with second-degree criminal mistreatment of a dependent person.

FRIDAY, JUNE 28 Today, the plaintiffs of the Prop 8 case, 50-year-old Sandra Stier and 48-year-old Kris Perry, were declared “spouse and spouse” at San Francisco’s City Hall, minutes after the Ninth Circuit court officially lifted the state’s gay marriage ban. Their wedding marked the first gay marriage in California in four years. Congrats to the happy couple!

SATURDAY, JUNE 29 Today, the sore, bigoted losers responsible for Prop 8 filed an emergency petition with the Supreme Court to once again stop gay marriages in the state, arguing that Supreme Court rulings generally don’t take effect for 25 days, explains NBCnews.com. They were denied their request.

SUNDAY, JUNE 30 Nothing happened today, unless you count 90-degree weather, a kiddie pool filled with bottles of rosé, the occasional overheated bear, glitter ice (yes, ice with glitter frozen inside), and so much Seattle Pride that we contracted happiness fatigue and longed for a steadying dose of ambivalence.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @ciennam

Bottles of rosé at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

BUSTER

Olympia’s New Clothes

People Claim the Legislative Session Was a Success, But It Actually Screwed Over Women, Immigrant Children, and Metro Bus Riders

BY GOLDY

Selectively read the newspaper opinion pages, and you might think our last-minute back-from-the-brink state budget deal was a huge win for senate majority leader

Rodney Tom and his allegedly bipartisan Majority Coalition Caucus (MCC). “A surprisingly good budget from a divided Legislature,” kvells the News Tribune of Tacoma. “A hardfought budget compromise that prioritizes education funding,” congratulates the Seattle Times. “It won’t be easy for Democrats to admit,” smirks Seattle Times columnist Danny Westneat, but “Tom is without doubt the big winner of the year so far in state politics.”

What a bunch of credulous hacks.

Olympia may have been wearing new clothes, but the naked truth is that Tom’s tenure has been an embarrassment at best.

After six months of grandstanding and hostage taking, two special sessions, and the very real threat of an economy-wrecking state government shutdown, the legislature passed a compromise budget on June 27 that was nearly identical to the budget Democrats pushed through the state house on June 6, apart from significantly less money for education. And from a spending perspective, even that June 6 budget wasn’t much different from the one house Democrats passed way back on April 12, in plenty of time to finish their job without a special session or two.

“The budget is structurally the house budget,” says House Finance Committee chair Reuven Carlyle (D-Seattle).

Kim Justice, a policy analyst for the Washington State Budget and Policy Center, agrees. “It’s a pretty status quo budget,” assesses Justice. “It makes some good investments,” but compared to the senate’s original budget proposal, it mostly just “avoids some pretty horrendous things.”

When it comes to education, the compromise two-year budget does include an additional $944 million in spending for K–12 schools above “maintenance level” (the amount required to maintain current services at constant levels). Yay for our kids! But even that’s deceptive, because it also includes $295 million in savings from once again suspending cost-ofliving adjustments for teachers. (Washington’s teachers will now go six years without a raise.) Total policy changes—new K–12 spending minus the cuts—comes to only $649 million: That’s how much more money this budget really puts into our K–12 schools. (Unless, of course, you don’t consider paying teachers to be a legitimate cost of operating public schools.)

That’s better than past budgets, but it’s only about half of what Democrats had originally proposed, and it falls far short of what’s required to meet the demands of the state supreme court’s recent McCleary decision, which ruled that the state was failing to meet its constitutional “paramount duty” to amply fund our public schools.

So much for a budget that “prioritizes education funding.”

As for colleges and universities, the legislature’s accomplishments there have also been overblown. Reporters and editorialists have touted the budget’s 12 percent increase in higher-education funding. That’s enough to freeze tuition hikes for at least a year, but it

siphoning hundreds of millions of dollars away from the public works assistance account (a capital fund that helps local governments pay for critical public infrastructure), spending substantially less on K–12 schools, and relying on revised caseload and revenue forecasts to brighten the state’s fiscal future.

So that’s the budget it took six months to squeeze out of Olympia during Tom’s grand experiment in divided government—pretty

doesn’t begin to make a dent in the 82 percent hike in resident undergraduate tuition over the past four years. That’s not a fix—it’s a reprieve.

To their credit, Tom and his MCC did achieve their primary objective: They blocked house Democratic efforts to raise $1.1 billion in new revenue by closing $475 million in unproductive tax exemptions and extending $600 million in expiring business taxes. “That was their central strategic priority,” says Carlyle, “to prevent new revenue at any cost.”

Instead of closing loopholes and extending business taxes, the compromise budget largely makes up the $1.1 billion difference by

Tuition, Washington’s popular prepaid tuition program. They sought to replace state workers’ traditional pension programs with risky 401(k)s. And they held up fixing a $160 million technical glitch in the state’s voter-approved estate tax, by attempting to tie it to unrelated nonbudgetary “reforms.”

On all counts, Democrats refused to cave. Tom’s unrealistic right-wing agenda was simply never going to pass the Democratic house. So in the end, Tom’s biggest accomplishment was neither blocking tax increases nor promoting conservative fiscal reforms; it was giving the Republican minority the power to block major non-budget-related bills: the Reproductive Parity Act, the Voting Rights Act, and the State Dream Act. These are bills that even Tom claimed to support, bills that would have passed had they only been allowed to reach the senate floor.

And that is Tom’s true legacy: the women who will be denied protection from health-care discrimination, the minority communities that will be denied access to equal representation in their local governments, and the otherwise qualified immigrant children who will be denied access to the financial aid they need to climb out of poverty via a college education.

And then there’s Tom’s biggest accomplishment of all: his refusal to pass a desperately needed transportation funding package that, among other things, would have allowed King County to stave off a 17 percent cut in Metro bus service by enacting a motor vehicle excise tax (MVET). Republicans opposed a transportation package, funded by 10.5-cent gas-tax increase, largely because it would have funded light rail across a proposed (but now dead) Columbia River Crossing bridge. Tom is very blunt that he is simply holding Metro bus riders hostage: “If you don’t link [the MVET and the gas tax], what happens is, once the transit

After

six months of grandstanding, the legislature passed a compromise budget on June 27.

crowd gets what they consider they want, the road package gets torpedoed,” Tom told the Seattle Times Which is, frankly, totally fucking outrageous.

much the same unsustainable budget we got last time around, but with a modest bump for K–12 schools and no new cuts to colleges and universities. And, of course, little new revenue. Not that senate Democrats ever had the votes to raise revenue in the first place. From a budgetary perspective, Tom’s coup changed little.

So then why did it take so long to pass a budget?

Tom and his MCC colleagues (you know, Republicans) spent most of the three sessions fighting to fund education by gutting the rest of state government. They put multiple social service programs on the chopping block. They attempted to cap all future noneducation spending at population plus inflation. They tried to kill Guaranteed Education

King County did everything the state asked us to do. Since sales-tax revenue collapsed during the Great Recession, we found savings, we streamlined service, we negotiated concessions with unions, and we raised fares four years straight. When the state imposed an insulting two-thirds supermajority requirement for passing a two-year car tab in order to get us through until a permanent funding solution could be found, we even managed the bipartisan support to do that. Then King County executive Dow Constantine got together with the mayors of the cities and developed a funding solution that would work for everyone. We didn’t ask the state for money. No, we went to Olympia with a simple request: Allow us to tax ourselves to pay for the bus service and local road maintenance we need.

And Rodney Tom just told us to fuck off. Newspaper editorialists can cloak this budget in all the praise they want. But if Tom is the “big winner,” the only thing he’s won is a huge legislative victory against women, minorities, immigrant children, and Metro bus riders—many of them his own constituents!

Sexy, sexy Rodney Tom news at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

JAMES YAMASAKI

Why Ed Murray Will Be Mayor

He’s Got a Great Message (Never Mind the Details)

BY DOMINIC HOLDEN

If you believe the most recent polling in the crowded mayor’s race, and I usually do, state senator Ed Murray is in third place. Mayor Mike McGinn holds the lead, while former Seattle City Council member Peter Steinbrueck is in second, according to the May SurveyUSA poll. But by November, I think Murray will prevail.

The reason voters will gravitate to Murray was summarized fairly succinctly last Wednesday at a press conference to promote Murray’s endorsement from Ron Sims, the former King County executive. Sims argued that McGinn has been an obstructionist who’s taking Seattle on a path toward destitution. Unlike the current mayor, Sims said, Murray can succeed at inspiring established civic leaders, juicing up a leaden economy, breaking through transportation logjams, and buoying Seattle schools.

“He is the mayor who can bring together a staff that will make you excited,” Sims told a room full of young Murray volunteers and political consultants. Running off last fall’s victory for same-sex marriage (based on a bill Murray sponsored), grassroots enthusiasm to make Murray Seattle’s first gay mayor will be unparalleled. Under Murray, Sims said, Seattle will be a “rock-’em, sock’em city that makes people go ‘Wow!’”

But if voters stick with McGinn, Sims intoned, Seattle will “retire like Gary, Indiana.” Since McGinn took office, Seattle has “lost its flash.”

Contributing to Murray’s momentum this past week: Council Member Tim Burgess and City Attorney Pete Holmes endorsed him, too, and the Municipal League of King County awarded Murray its top rating of “outstanding,” better than anyone else in the race.

Burgess added that Murray is “the only candidate in this race who can get bold things done with regional state partners.”

But there’s just one problem: These arguments from Murray, Sims, and Burgess crumble under scrutiny.

Outside the window of that press conference, several cranes were building new construction projects—which shows anything but an atrophying city. Under McGinn,

SOURCES SAY

Seattle’s unemployment rate is down to 4.7 percent, more than two points below the state average. A levy to augment school funding doubled (to $231 million), and the planning to build light rail to Ballard has been accelerated. All of that required McGinn to collaborate with other politicians.

As for Murray, his team that will purportedly “make you excited” overwhelmingly comprises the same figures who backed Greg Nickels (including Tim Ceis, Sandeep Kaushik, and Christian Sinderman), the guy we threw out of the mayor’s office four years ago. Those transportation projects that Murray backed, such as the deep-bore tunnel and new 520 bridge, remain partly underfunded and leave major unresolved questions about traffic mitigation. As budget chair, Murray oversaw the deals that left K–12 schools un-

I still don’t know who I’ll vote for—and anyone trying to read an endorsement into this article should stop trying.

derfunded (by at least a billion dollars a year), according to the state supreme court. And with Murray leading senate Democrats this year, we still couldn’t salvage a bill that would allow King County to prevent a 17 percent cut to Metro bus service. That record belies the campaign’s flashy talking points.

However, it seems unlikley that most voters will press past the campaign rhetoric and compare each candidate’s actual track record. It seems more likely that the Murray campaign’s messages will reinforce McGinn’s negative reputation (McGinn has only 37 percent job-approval rating, according to the latest SurveyUSA poll) and let Murray pick up voters in time for the August primary election.

To be fair, Murray has real victories on his record (passing gay marriage, holding back the GOP’s attempts to gut social services in Olympia), and McGinn has failed on several fronts (failing to get light rail on the ballot, clumsy handling of the police department).

I still don’t know who I’ll vote for—and anyone trying to read an endorsement into this article should stop trying. But the argument that Murray has been a paragon of legislative success while McGinn has let the city’s economy and education languish is, in fact, backward.

$13.5 million annually in lost revenue. Unfortunately, the deal comes too late for Century Ballroom, Neighbours, and the Tractor Tavern, all of which were charged thousands of dollars in back taxes for providing dance floors for their patrons.

• In a recent Stranger Election Control Board meeting for mayoral candidates, Seattle City Council member Bruce Harrell dodged a question on whether he’s ever smoked marijuana, instead informing the room, “I am naturally high all the time.” Every other candidate in the room—Ed Murray, Mike McGinn, and Peter Steinbrueck—answered with a decisive “yes.”

• After watching their efforts to draft legislation to repeal a controversial 9.5 percent tax on ticket sales and cover charges for live music and DJ sets (really, any event that promoted dancing) stall in Olympia this year, Seattle club owners have reason to celebrate: Legislators included a so-called dance tax exemption as one of 15 exemptions drafted into their biennial budget deal. Taken altogether, the exemptions are expected to cost the state an estimated

• “When a bridge is out, it’s out for Republicans and Democrats alike,” a somewhat testy Governor Jay Inslee pointed out at a post-session press conference, in which he squarely laid the blame on senate majority leader Rodney Tom and his Majority Coalition Caucus for failing to pass a transportation funding package by “nail[ing] the door shut to bipartisanship.”

• As thousands of LGBT-loving people flooded the streets of downtown Seattle, dancing, drinking, hugging, and celebrating Washington’s first post-gay-marriage Pride weekend in 90-plus-degree weather, Seattle City Council president and noted dyke on bike Sally Clark tweeted this message to her 2,000 followers on June 30: “Confession: just spent 20 mins in a line I thought was for monorail. Was for ATM near monorail entry. I need lunch.”

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CLARK

Can I Mail My Legal Pot?

Technically, No

BY BEN LIVINGSTON

If I stop by a Walla Walla winery, odds are I can order a case of wine and have it shipped to my Seattle home. I can do the same thing without visiting the winery—pick up the phone or go online and order some local cabernet sauvignon.

Earlier this year, Initiative 502 author Alison Holcomb told The Stranger that cannabis delivery services would likely be allowed under the initiative if the financial transaction is conducted in the store, even if the purchaser pays over the phone. So can I just FedEx my cannabis home from a Spokane pot shop?

“No,” says FedEx spokeswoman Bonnie Kourvelas. “It is still illegal to send pot through our network, anywhere.”

Sure, sure, I understand—especially if it crosses state lines. But what will happen if FedEx finds my legal stash within Washington State?

“When anything illegal is discovered, local authorities are contacted,” Kourvelas tells me. And what will local cops do with my pot?

“You would be fine with us, since the circumstances you describe don’t run contrary to state, county, or municipal laws,” says

David Smacks Goliath

How King County Put a Chink in the Armor of Wall Street Giants

BY BRENDAN KILEY

T

he

first part of this story is familiar: Back in 2007, King County (along with the rest of the country) made some investments that didn’t work out. It bet around $100 million on Rhinebridge and Cheyne Finance LLC, two of the many “investment vehicles” that were part of the big-bank game that triggered the Great Recession. The county caught flak for those bets in the Seattle Times and elsewhere, even though those investments were appropriately conservative for a public investment pool— short-term speculations (six months) that had earned the highest ratings from Moody’s and Standard and Poor’s.

Here’s the unusual part: The county, along with 14 other plaintiffs, including Abu Dhabi Commercial Bank, sued the ratings agencies—as well as Morgan Stanley and IKB Deutsche Industriebank—for fraud and won a settlement in the spring. The terms of the settlement remain secret (as part of the deal), but the case might set a precedent for other municipalities that trusted banks and ratings agencies and now feel like they got swindled.

“This is certainly a major crack in their legal armor,” says San Francisco attorney Dan Drosman, whose firm represented King County. “Some rulings we obtained in our case were seminal.”

For example: S&P and other agencies have claimed in past legal proceedings that their

Seattle police spokesman Sergeant Sean Whitcomb. “I think that most officers would simply allow you to have the marijuana and then document any complaint that FedEx might have in a police report.”

But the US Postal Service is a different story, since it contains its own federal lawenforcement arm. Postal inspector James Wilson highly discourages sending pot through in the mail. “If it’s detected and we go through our proper legal process to pull it out of our mail stream, we will contact the sender, then we will contact the receiver, and tell them they shouldn’t be doing this.” If that doesn’t address the issue, the agency can directly refer cases to federal prosecutors, and if it’s too small an amount for prosecutors to pursue, Wilson says, “We have certain types of tickets we can issue.” These federal citations must be paid at the federal courthouse, and ignoring them could lead to federal warrants.

The US Postal Service contains its own federal law-enforcement arm.

TIGER HEALTH CLINIC

In the end, none of the big shippers want you mailing weed through their system, but commercial shippers seem like a safer bet than the US Postal Service, since they rely on local cops and have little authority to seize state-legal personal property.

ratings are merely “opinion” and protected by the First Amendment, so they’re not liable for bad advice. (“Advice” is the nice word for it, since the lawsuit alleged that the county and the rest of the plaintiffs had been intentionally tricked.) That argument didn’t fly in this case.

US District Court judge Shira A. Scheindlin found there are opinions and there are opinions. Giving investments the highest stamp of approval and claiming that those ratings (on which billions of public dollars depend) are based on rigorous data analysis is substantially different, in Drosman’s words, “than saying Chinese food is better than Indian food.”

“These agencies lied to the public,” says King County executive Dow Constantine. “I

“These agencies lied to the public,” says county executive Constantine.

was resolved to do everything in our power to fight for recovery of funds.”

The ratings agencies, according to Drosman, “fought us hard and were very reluctant to settle.” While strict denial of fraud or any other wrongdoing was also part of the settlement, Drosman guesses the agencies decided to keep the case out of trial because, he claims, “we have very damning evidence.”

Journalists from the Wall Street Journal and other media outlets were already jockeying for seats in the courtroom, he says, and the agencies and banks wanted to avoid a “day-by-day, blow-by-blow recitation” of the proceedings.

“This was David against Goliath,” Constantine says. “We knew we were going up against the credit ratings agencies and the rest of Wall Street… this time, David won.”

I Can Die Now

Here’s What I Don’t Have to Worry About Now That the Supreme

Court Overturned DOMA

BY DAN SAVAGE

My death.

It crosses my mind every time I get on an airplane, every time I speak before a crowd, every time I ride my bike over the Ballard Bridge. And it doesn’t just cross my mind. There’s nothing momentary or fleeting about it. I flash on gruesome, highres images of the plane I’m on exploding in flames, or one of the many assholes who send me death threats splattering my brains all over the lectern I’m standing at, or the city bus that’s bearing down on me dragging my mangled bike and lifeless body for several blocks.

Does that sound exhausting? It is. And it must be genetic, because my mother was like this, too.

Whatever the situation, whatever the challenge, my mother would obsess about the worst possible outcome. She never got on a plane without thinking about it crashing, she never dropped her four kids off at the lake without thinking about all four of us drowning, she never ate a chicken salad without worrying about salmonella poisoning. My husband long ago dubbed this affliction “WCSD,” which stands for “worst-case scenario disorder.” He considers it a mental illness.

Terry may be right. But here’s the thing: WCSD works. My mother believed that obsessing about worst-case scenarios was the best protection from worst-case realities. If you thought about the plane you were on crashing, the plane you were on wouldn’t crash. If you thought about your kids drowning, your

kids wouldn’t drown. If you thought about your chicken salad killing you, your chicken salad wouldn’t kill you.

“Magical thinking,” the rationalists call it. They don’t mean it as a compliment.

I was always a bit of a magical thinker, like my mom (I’m like my mother in this and other ways), but my WCSD got much, much worse after the birth of my son, D.J., and after Terry decided to become a full-time stay-at-home dad. Once I was the sole means of support for three people, I found myself obsessing about all the ways I could die. I could die in a plane crash or be hit by a car or get salmonella eating bad food. I could die in a fire or be taken out by antigay Christian ninjas or get hit by lightning or be accidentally asphyxiated during a rim job gone tragically, tragically wrong. There are so many ways to die.

Before I became a parent, I was only plagued by images of my death. (I could die of the plague—an Oregon man contracted the plague in 2012 trying to save a mouse from a cat.) I didn’t flash on images of what would happen after I was dead. That changed when I became a parent in 1998, two years after Bill Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) into law. My country wanted to make sure that if I died, Terry wouldn’t just have to endure the pain of losing his husband, and D.J. wouldn’t just have to endure the pain of losing a parent. No, there would be bonus pain for my family. Because we weren’t married in the eyes of the federal

government—because of Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act—Terry, who has been a stay-at-home parent for more than a dozen years, wouldn’t be able to collect Social Security survivor benefits, something he would be entitled to if we were an opposite-sex married couple. He would also face a crushing federal tax burden, taxes he wouldn’t have to pay if Terry were my wife.

We talked to a tax lawyer about it once. She had two words of advice for me: “Don’t die.”

For 15 years, this weighed on me. If I died, my husband would be made to suffer. If I died, my son would be made to suffer. Parents are supposed to protect their children from harm, and here was this thing—DOMA—that I couldn’t protect him from. If something happened to me, DOMA would impoverish my husband and son. Terry and D.J. would lose the house. They would lose everything.

Edie Windsor, the plaintiff in the lawsuit that toppled DOMA, met Thea Clara Spyer at an Italian restaurant called Portofino, “a place where women who wanted to rendezvous

Once I was the sole means of support for three people, I found myself obsessing about all the ways I could die.

with other women could do so discreetly, with little fear of exposure or entrapment,” according to the New York Times

The women married in 2007 in Canada. On Spyer’s death in 2009, Windsor was hit with a $363,053 tax bill that she would not have had to pay if her beloved Thea had been a Theo.

The same thing would have happened to Terry and D.J. if a plane crashed or a bus ran me down. And this—my family living under the sword of Damocles (DOMAcles?)—was absolutely, crucially necessary, social conservatives argued. Why? Because my family’s vulnerability somehow served to strengthen families headed by opposite-sex couples. The impoverishment of my husband and son in the wake of my death was a price Brian Brown and Rick Santorum and Maggie Gallagher were willing to pay to protect the ideal of “traditional marriage.” Magical thinking meets antigay bigotry: By punishing Terry for the crime of being gay, and by punishing D.J. for the crime of having gay dads, traditional marriages would grow stronger. (Never mind that traditional marriage had been redefined out of existence by straight people decades ago—traditional marriage died the day straight people decided that women weren’t the property of their husbands.)

These are the two people I have sworn to love, to protect, to take care of. And here was a thing that I was utterly powerless to protect them from. And it was purely punitive. DOMA, which would inflict needless suffering on my husband and son, was designed expressly to punish gay people for existing. DOMA, Supreme Court justice Elena Kagan pointed out during oral arguments in Edie Windsor’s case, was approved by a Congress whose judgment “was infected by dislike, by fear, by animus.” When the lawyers arguing for DOMA objected to that characterization—when Chief Justice John Roberts objected to that characterization—Justice Kagan quoted from the 1996 House Report on DOMA: “Congress decided to reflect and honor a collective moral judgment and to express moral disapproval of homosexuality.”

The next time I get on an airplane, or the next time I ride my bike over the Ballard Bridge, or the next time I speak before a large crowd, terrifying images will still leap to mind. Crash-and-burn, hit-and-run, lock-and-load. But last Wednesday, when the decision came down, a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Terry and I are married now in the eyes of Washington State and the federal government. So long as we live in a “recognition state,” one of the 13 where same-sex marriage is legal, we’re safe. (Why would we live anywhere else?) I can worry about my death, but I no longer have to worry about the federal government punishing my husband for the crime of loving me or punishing my son for the crime of having two dads.

The fight isn’t over. Same-sex couples are still being discriminated against in 37 “non-recognition states.” We can’t rest until same-sex couples in Texas and Mississippi and Oregon and everywhere else enjoy equality under the law, too. But right now, we can take a moment to celebrate what we’ve won: peace of mind, the right to determine our own next of kin, immigration equality for binational couples, dignity. And we should take a moment to express our gratitude.

Thank you, Edie—and thank you, Thea.

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ROBERT ULLMAN

I Am a Terrible Person

Or at Least I Was—a Horny, Heterosexual, Deceitful Man

[ BY ANONYMOUS ]

My freshman year at Lewis & Clark College—a glorious hippie wonderland—I dated this little flower child named Kristen. Not her real name. What I liked most about Kristen was that she lived down the hall from me. If she’d moved to the other side of the dorm, I’m pretty sure that would have been the end of us. Profoundly earnest, Kristen had a narrow avian face and a fragile little sparrow chest. Listening to me, she’d tilt her head and bunch her mouth, as if rapt, but her wide blinking pigeon eyes revealed emptiness inside.

Once, at the end of winter break, a bunch of us friends arrived back to Portland on the same day. Kristen’s friend Tara, a proto–Nicole Richie (a blond SoCal girl with a lot of money and a flair for hedonism nicely undercut by her taste for new age mumbo jumbo)—well, Tara had a hotel room at the posh Heathman Hotel. She invited us over. So Kristen, our friend Greg, and I stayed the night with her.

Droopy with Xanax and red wine, the four of us ended up in an awkward orgyish situation. Kristen and I were on one side of the bed, and Greg and Tara—not a couple— were on the other. Occasionally, I’d reach across the bed and grab Tara’s breast, or Greg would reach for Kristen’s delicate thorax. After Greg ejaculated very memorably across Tara’s milky abdomen, we turned out the lights and passed out.

Except that I was in the middle of the bed. And Tara was in the middle, too, facing me. Now, to be clear: I was just 19. And I was a terrible person. Or, if not terrible, I was certainly not equipped with a very steady moral compass. Like many young men, I’d spent a lot of my adolescence masturbating to imaginary sexual scenarios, so whenever actual sexual scenarios emerged, I was ready to go.

Nowadays, I’m mostly weary. I love sex, obviously, but I’ve got young kids—I probably have barf on my shirt as I sit here typing. When I watch Louis C.K. do standup, I don’t even laugh, I just grip my forehead with both hands and say, “Oh my God… oh no… oh my God… oh no...” Every single word seems to spring directly from my own rotten id.

But in that hotel in January 1997, I looked like a young Ralph Macchio and was as pervy as Portnoy. So Tara and I quietly and discreetly—flanked by my sleeping girlfriend and my best friend—pushed our pelvises together, slow and subtle as possible. Sex, per se, was a logistical impossibility, but what happened instead was what sex is at its very best: trapped at the border of paradise, shuddering for breath. It was one of the most sexually exciting things I’d ever experienced, and I had by that point experienced quite a few sexually exciting things.

roommate Christina, another of our close friends. Half an hour later, Christina was pounding on the door. She speculated loudly about who Tara might have inside. Petrified and giggling, we hid under the blankets until she finally gave up and left us in peace.

A few months later, over spring break, a bunch of us went to New York, and we stayed at Christina’s family’s place in Park Slope.

On the first night, I slept with Kristen. After all, she was my girlfriend—it would have been unseemly to not have sex with her.

“You’re such a fucking bastard,” she said, and I knew that was true, too, it had always been true.

On the second night, after Kristen was asleep, I went over and visited Tara. On the third night, after Kristen was asleep, I went over and slipped into the bed of another of her close friends, Greta, who I’d started sleeping with also.

Then all the other girls left town, and it was just Christina and me on the final night.

“No, no, I didn’t mean it,” I said as unconvincingly as possible.

“You’re fucking insane.”

Later that night, we went to the 7-Eleven together to buy the condoms.

Amonth later, Kristen found out about one of the many times I’d slept with Greta. She was understandably distraught. I apologized, and we made up. By then I was also occasionally sleeping with her friends Priya, Wendy, and another woman whose name escapes me.

That summer, I called Kristen up and claimed to have fallen in love with someone else, which wasn’t true. She wanted to know what this girl had that she didn’t have. “I don’t know,” I muttered, trying to imagine this fictitious girlfriend of mine, “she’s perfect for me.”

Three years later, after we all graduated from college, Christina and I slept together once again. There was new chemistry between us, a couple old friends. We moved in together in Seattle. With saved money from our first day jobs, we went to Italy and Iceland, and I believed for almost a month that we were in love. But living together was a lot like matrimony, and I wasn’t in a marrying mood. Though legendarily promiscuous, I thought I was just hitting my stride.

So one day, I came home and told her I’d bought a one-way ticket out of the country. Which was true, actually.

“You’re such a fucking bastard,” she said, and I knew that was true, too, it had always been true. “What is your problem?”

“I’m an idiot?” I offered.

“No, you’re not an idiot.” Beneath her fury, she was genuinely perplexed.

“I don’t know then. Maybe I’m just an asshole.”

She frowned, nodding. “I guess that’s it. You’re just an asshole.”

Adozen years have passed, and none of us are friends anymore. But we’re all friends. We’d meet for a drink, if circumstances permitted. There would be no hanky-panky, though. We’re all too diminished for that.

Kristen married a handsome little guy; in photos, they look like normal-sized people. Tara lives in Los Angeles, and on Facebook, where she poses beside emaciated celebrities, looks sincerely happy. Greg has twice married, with kids by each wife. I look back on that time, when I was 19 and indulged in so much wanton ravaging of that circle of friends. I think of my total indifference to anyone else’s feelings, the lies I told, and I know it doesn’t speak well of me, but the fact is, I’m glad I did it.

The following morning, the four of us verbally revised and sanitized our shared memories.

Three weeks later, wasted on tequila at a party on campus, Tara pulled me aside, eyes blazing, and whispered, “Why haven’t you come and fucked me yet?”

Kristen was on the far side of the room.

“That’s an excellent question,” I said.

I followed her out into the night. We arrived at her dorm room a few minutes later, and she barricaded the door against her

“You are a terrible, terrible person,” Christina said. “Did you sleep with Tara this weekend, too?”

“No,” I said, nodding Yes

“Jesus, that is so cold. What about Greta?”

I grimaced. “That would be awful, wouldn’t it?”

“No, not awful. It’s just gross.” I nodded.

“It’s like—it’s actually disgusting,” she elaborated.

“I know.” I sighed. Then, after a beat, I said, “So I guess there’s no point in me asking…” I winced.

“OH MY GOD! Are you fucking kidding!” She burst out laughing. “Are you insane?”

Now, though, I’m just weary. It’s not that I don’t lust after random or not-random women, but I’ve had a lot of sex—I can maybe remember half of the women I’ve slept with—so I don’t feel the same urge to go “conquering” anymore. Or, I feel that urge, but the work involved… Plus, I have, in my advanced age, developed a slightly more nuanced sense of right and wrong, and I wouldn’t do that to my wife. I don’t even want her mixed up in this confession, so it’s being published anonymously.

Sometimes she worries that I’ll get bored of our quaint life in Ballard: pajamas at 7 p.m., reading the New Yorker to each other while doing dishes, arguing about the garden. Of course not, I tell her. I know what’s out there. I’ve picked over the bones. I know the work, and I know the reward—I know better than anyone.

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MOVIES IN THE PARK

September 6-8

A

Sally Kempton

$160

October 11-13

An

Meg

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Badminton

BIRDIES Badminton is booming. In gyms and community centers around Seattle, people are jumping, lunging, and swatting at feathered shuttlecocks with elegant fury. This isn’t your lazy lawn game—this is serious sport. The badminton revival has come to America from Asia, partly thanks to YouTube. (Our TV stations tend to favor tennis.) Check out badminton clubs.org to find the sessions nearest you, and prepare to get your ass kicked. Take it from Joyce Jones, an international badminton champ from Seattle who’s now in her 80s but still plays competitively: “I’m a national champion in tennis, too—but it still doesn’t give me as big a workout!” (Check your local community center for schedules, badmintonclubs.org) BRENDAN KILEY

Golf Stoned

WHACKING YOUR BALLS Nothing a human being does is more absurd than golfing. It is so artificially patrician—and comically theatrical—to assume a royal golfing posture, corkscrew your arms back, and whack the fuck out of a tiny Epcot Center. That is, nothing is sillier than doing all that stoned. Everyone nearby is very, very serious about this golfing business. And they are all very sober about the matter. But not you—you’re baked. You are grinning because you’re golfing. You don’t have to be good at golf, you don’t have to play by the rules, you don’t even have to walk from hole to hole. Just go to the driving range—get stoned first, of course—and aim for anything you feel like. Assume the posture, twist back, whack away. A bucket of 102 balls at the Interbay Golf Center is just $10! Note to the wise: Stretch first. (For a directory of nearby locations, check out Premier Golf: premiergc.com) DOMINIC HOLDEN

Xtreme Sports

Sailing

JUST A DREAM AND THE WIND TO CARRY YOU

For us poors, learning how to sail seems as glitzy and impractical as having our teeth replaced by diamonds. Thankfully, a nonprofit sailing group in Magnuson Park, Sail Sand Point, offers sailing classes for adults and teens, as well as relatively cheap sailboat rentals (cheaper than a new set of pointy diamond teeth, at the very least). Sailing classes will also put you in a strong position for the world’s upcoming class wars, when food supplies run dangerously low and the rich are forced to take to the seas and follow the migratory patterns of their favorite caviar to survive. (Sail Sand Point, in Magnuson Park, sailsandpoint.org) CIENNA MADRID

Horseshoes

HURLING METAL THROUGH THE AIR Leave the marathons to the maniacal, and spend your summer engaging in some more easygoing athletics. Playing horseshoes is fun and very competitive. Woodland Park and Lincoln Park both have horseshoe pits for you to hone your throwing skills. BYOH. The park setting relaxes your mind, and when the shoe circles the stake and you get a ringer, it is very gratifying. If you want to learn more, the Seattle Horseshoe Club (seattlehorseshoeclub.org) meets Tuesdays at 5 p.m. at Woodland Park (you can use their horseshoes), and play is free. (Woodland Park, 1000 N 50th St; Lincoln Park, 8011 Fauntleroy Way SW; seattle.gov/parks) GILLIAN ANDERSON

Croquet

DRINKING AND SMACKING For a genteelseeming lawn sport involving colorful balls and the cute word “wicket,” croquet really brings out the aggressive side of people. It’s all very civilized, until it suddenly isn’t: Who can pass up the opportunity to smack another person’s ball to kingdom come? Then there are retaliations to mete out, alliances to form and subsequently break, drinks to keep drinking. Some friends have a croquet party every summer, and it’s become the social event of the season. Last year, one guy even brought his own largersized custom-made mallet. Isn’t that cheating? (A yard or park near you; croquet set prices vary) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Inner Tubing

AKA RIVER FLOATING The only thing more fun than swimming in a river is not swimming in a river. Why do all that limb flapping when you can relax on a squishy fun-doughnut and let the water do all the work for you? Inner tubing is one of the simplest water activities (it’s like sitting, only easier somehow)—even if your tube is pulled by a boat, all you really need is a life jacket and the ability to hold on! Pick up a state-of-the-art inner tube with a cup holder, or stop by a tire shop and they just might give you a simple one. The rivers Skykomish, Wenatchee, Yakima, Snoqualmie, Cowlitz, and Skagit are all floatable, beautiful, and close. (Washington State rivers, inner tubes $0–$100) EMILY NOKES

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Water Sports

Stadium Silver Cloud Hotel

ROOFTOP POOL PARTY! The small Northwest chain of Silver Cloud Hotels is pleasant enough. There’s really nothing in particular that I’d recommend about any of the locations. Well, EXCEPT FOR ONE: the Stadium Silver Cloud’s rooftop pool. The baby-blue heated swimming pool just sits up there, in the open air, with the most amazing view of Elliott Bay (and its oh-so-pretty sunsets). It’s there right now, next to a bubbling hot tub, surrounded by a bunch of lounge chairs. If you’re lucky, if it’s busy, a cocktail waitress will magically appear and serve you a drink. Yep, that pool is just up there, waiting for you to book a room so you can visit (rooms start at $169 a night, bring friends!). Be careful, though, it’s directly across from Safeco Field—if there’s a game, and a bunch of sporty meatheads are also staying at the hotel, the roof starts to feel like the pool scene in the movie Caddyshack where the Baby Ruth candy bar ruins EVERYTHING. (Stadium Silver Cloud Hotel, 1046 First Ave S, silvercloud.com) KELLY O

Colman Pool

SWIMMING As a former competitive synchronized swimmer of many years, I have literally swum across this great nation, and I can tell you: Nothing compares to Colman Pool. It’s a heated saltwater pool on the edge of the Salish Sea, so you’re basically out in nature, with beach and mountain and island views—yet HIGH DIVE and GIANT TUBE SLIDE. The 50-meter, eight-lane pool is open every day in the summer, with lap swim from noon to 1:30 p.m. and public swim (no lap lanes) from 1:45 to 4:45 p.m. Possibly the best thing about summer in Seattle besides the simple fact that it’s summer in Seattle. (Colman Pool, 8603 Fauntleroy Way SW, seattle.gov/ parks/aquatics/colman.htm, $5.25/$3.75 ages 1–17) JEN GRAVES

Great Wolf Lodge and Wild Waves

WATERSLIDES Me writing a Suggest for waterslides is like telling you to please consider snuggling a kitten while your oven magically bakes pizzas in the shape of winning lottery numbers—I barely need to tell you how awesome they are! But I will anyway. If you love your children, take them to Great Wolf Lodge—a kid-friendly hotel/watery wonderland 80 miles from Seattle with all the slides, pools, and glow-in-the-dark mini-golf your fam can handle. Closer, cheaper, and better for adults is the Northwest’s largest water park: Wild Waves. Not only does it have waterslides and roller coasters for days, but for a little extra, you can terrify yourself with a zip-line ride or take a 125-foot plunge on the Skycoaster. Wheee! (Great Wolf Lodge, 20500 Old Highway 99, Centralia, greatwolf.com; Wild Waves, 36201 Enchanted Pkwy S, Federal Way, wildwaves.com) EMILY NOKES

Surf Ballard

WATER SPORTS So you’ve been going to Westport, La Push, and Neah Bay to sit on the beach and gaze longingly at the surfers for waaaay too long. Why don’t you finally try it! A great place to get your feet wet for the first time is Surf Ballard—Ballard’s first and only surf and stand-up paddle board shop. The storefront is also the home of the Washington Surf Academy, which offers all levels of surfing instruction, seasonal surf camps, and classes. Surf Ballard rents boards and wet suits, and even has beach access so you can get in the water, right there, immediately. Shaka brah, beach bunnies! (Surf Ballard, 6300 Seaview Ave NW, surfballard.com) KELLY O

ROCKIN PIANO SHOW

BEST BUY

Do Not Jump Off a Bridge

Capilano Suspension Bridge

SWEATY HANDS

Do you ever wake up feeling like Indiana Fucking Jones? Well grab your fedora and passport and drive to Vancouver’s most gorgeous and beloved park. The park includes guided rainforest tours, a First Nations cultural center, and the “Treetops Adventure”—an Ewok-village-esque “trail” made up of wooden platforms and small suspension bridges that soar 100 feet up from the forest floor. The real Indiana Jones part, though, is the namesake— the Capilano Suspension Bridge. Built in 1889, it’s been scaring the living bejesus out of people for more than a century. Stretching 450 feet across, and 230 feet above the Capilano River, this light, bouncy bridge will make your adrenaline flow. If you’re scared of heights, you may break out in hives, pray to a false God, shake uncontrollably, and/or pee your pants a little like I did the first time I crossed it. (Capilano Suspension Bridge Park, 3735 Capilano Rd, Vancouver, BC, capbridge. com, 8:30 am–8 pm, $35) KELLY O

Agate Pass Bridge

HEIGHTS

Seventy-five feet high and 0.2 miles long, the Agate Pass Bridge is a cantilevered steel roadway built in 1950 to connect Bainbridge Island with the Suquamish reservation. Walking the bridge on a sunny day is glorious; on a gloomy, misty day, it’s almost mythic. Agate Pass itself is a thin, deep, and fast waterway that used to be the site for the Suquamish’s traditional winter village—now its beaches are an informal refuge for seals, herons, and high-school stoners. Some people jump off the bridge for thrills. They’re usually okay, but a few have been airlifted out for back injuries. (Agate Pass Bridge, Highway 305, north of Bainbridge Island) BRENDAN KILEY

Fremont Bridge

To really appreciate the Fremont Bridge, you have to see it from the water.

BRIDGE The Fremont Bridge looks like a toy, with its cute little tower, and it’s sitting in the shadow of the Aurora Bridge, which is more than five times as high and nearly twice as long. To really appreciate the Fremont Bridge, though, you have to see it from the water. Go rent an electric boat from the Electric Boat Company (theelectricboatco.com) and putt on over. It’s especially lovely during sunset, and unlike some other bridges in Seattle (ahem, Aurora), hundreds of people haven’t committed suicide by jumping off it. (Fremont Bridge, downtown Fremont) MEGAN SELING

Skybridge from Nordstrom to Pacific Place

A BRIDGE FOR BEGINNERS Somehow, some way, two upscale shopping centers joined their shiny hands in the realization that patrons should not have to cross the grimy streets like lowly pedestrians, but rather glide from one commerce palace to the next, IN THE AIR! Start in the downtown Nordstrom—a vertical, lavender-scented trend labyrinth with restrooms bigger than your entire apartment. Escalate to the fourth floor, where you’ll find youngadult duds and more teal than you ever thought possible and BAM— there’s a carpeted bridge in front of you! Take that bridge! Take it all the way into ANOTHER SHOPPING CENTER. You’ll come out on the third floor of Pacific Place. Run back and forth between them all day! (Downtown Nordstrom/Pacific Place Skybridge, 500 Pine St) EMILY NOKES

ABSINTHE

Pacifique Absinthe (by Pacific Distillery)

AQUAVIT

Aquavit (by Sound Spirits)

BRANDY

Golden Apple Brandy (by Golden Distillery)

GIN

Counter Gin (by Batch 206)

Ebb+Flow Gin (by Sound Spirits)

Old Tom Gin (by Sound Spirits)

Oola Gin (by Oola Distillery)

Coming this fall: Oola Barrel Aged Gin

The Alpinist Gin (by Seattle Distilling Company)

Voyager Dry Gin (by Pacific Distillery)

LIQUEURS & CORDIALS

Depth Cacao  (by Sound Spirits)

Depth Menthe  (by Sound Spirits)

Letterpress Limoncello (by Letterpress Distilling)

Vow of Silence (by Sound Spirits)

MOONSHINE

2bar Moonshine (by 2bar Spirits)

See 7 Stars Moonshine (by Batch 206)

VODKA

2bar Vodka (by 2bar Spirits)

Batch 206 Vodka (by Batch 206)

Batch 206 Mad Mint Vodka (by Batch 206)

Ebb+Flow Vodka (by Sound Spirits)

Letterpress Vodka (by Letterpress Distilling)

Oola Vodka (by Oola Distillery)

Oola Chili Pepper Vodka (by Oola Distillery)

Oola Rosemary Vodka (by Oola Distillery)

Oola Citrus Vodka (by Oola Distillery)

The Rocket Vodka (by Seattle Distilling Company)

WHISKEY

Oola Waitsburg Bourbon Cask Strength (by Oola Distillery)

Samish Bay Single Malt Whiskey (by Golden Distillery)

Samish Bay Single Malt Whiskey RESERVE  (by Golden Distillery)

Tatoosh Bourbon (Tatoosh Distillery)

The Vashon Idle Hour Whiskey (by Seattle Distilling Company) Coming end of summer 2013

2barspirits.com goldendistillery.com drinksoundspirits.com seattledistillingcompany.com batch206.com pacificdistillery.com ooladistillery.com letterpressdistilling.com tatooshdistillery.com

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Sub Pop’s Silver Jubilee

MUSIC Does Sub Pop know how to throw a party? Yes! The answer is yes! To celebrate 25 years of being one of the coolest (and also weirdest) record labels in the Pacific Northwest and beyond, the Sub Pop gang has put together the Silver Jubilee, a free party that will take over the streets of downtown Georgetown (on and around Airport Way). Musical guests include Built to Spill, THEESatisfaction with Shabazz Palaces,

Pissed Jeans, and Brothers of the Sonic Cloth, featuring Tad Doyle— they’ll be playing TAD songs! There will be food, art, beer, and a record fair—and a zero percent chance of a Kurt Cobain hologram. Goddamn, it’s gonna be so great. (July 13, Georgetown, silverjubilee.subpop .com, free, all ages) MEGAN SELING

My Bloody Valentine

MUSIC It’s been four years since My Bloody Valentine dropped their nuclear bombast on a Seattle crowd, so most of us have probably recovered from the damage that spectacular show wreaked. Now armed with a new grip of songs from

It’s been four years since My Bloody Valentine dropped their nuclear bombast on a Seattle crowd.

the burningly anticipated and sporadically brilliant m b v, these shoegaze-rock deities should bless us with more than just a greatest-hits revue—though as greatest-hits revues go, My Bloody Valentine’s ranks high on the seismic-thrills scale. Prepare yourself for the loudest and melodically sweetest rock show you may ever experience. (Aug 21, WaMu Theater, 1000 Occidental Ave S, wamu theater.com, 8 pm, $39.50, all ages) DAVE SEGAL

Shows at Maritime Pacific Brewery

Live Music

MUSIC For everyone who grumbles about Ballard’s condo overlords, there’s still some Old Ballard left to love, I swear! Just stop by the decidedly old-school Maritime Pacific Brewery every other Thursday night all summer long, where you’ll find an early evening no-cover allages show happening right in the brewery and adjoining parking lot. There’s $3 beer and table service outside (get sliders!), and a portion of the proceeds goes to the Ballard Food Bank. The mood is always raucous and cheerful, with dancing and good times for all; check the website or Facebook for upcoming bands. Three cheers for beer-soaked revelry! (Every other Thurs, Maritime Pacific Brewery, 1111 NW Ballard Way, maritimebrewery.com, 6:30 pm, free, all ages) ANNA MINARD

Melvins’ 30th Anniversary Tour

HEAVINESS So after three decades of astonishing aural heaviness, Melvins are taking a big-ass victory lap, and rightly so. Few have done the metallic dirge and the brutally torqued hard rock with more panache than Melvins (ask Kurt Cobain… oh, wait…). Whether they’re busting out meatyriffed originals or executing irreverently reverent covers, Melvins put a uniquely skewed stamp on rock’s wrinkled visage—and then spit on it. (For this tour, Butthole Surfers bassist Jeff Pinkus will sub for Jared Warren, who’s on paternity leave.) (Aug 16 [all ages] and Aug 17 [21+], Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 8 pm, $22 adv) DAVE SEGAL

Substrata 1.3

MUSIC For a music festival, Substrata’s niche is narrow, but profoundly deep and focused. What organizer/electronic musician Rafael Anton Irisarri (aka the Sight Below) offers is a rarefied slice of the world’s most acute experimental, ambient, and drone musicians performing live in one of the city’s most acoustically righteous spaces. You’ll hear gripping tone poems that range from the infinitesimal to the monumental. The excellent international lineup for this edition includes Poland’s Jacaszek, Belgium’s Christina Vantzou, Iceland’s Yagya, Chicago’s Ken Camden, and Portland’s Grouper. (July 18–21, Chapel Performance Space, 4649 Sunnyside Ave N, substratafestival.com, $35 a day/$65 full pass, all ages) DAVE SEGAL

Pickathon

MUSIC/BEER Let’s get out of town for Pickathon! Not only is the lineup varied—Feist, Parquet Courts, Shabazz Palaces, Ty Segall, Kurt Vile & the Violators, and Sharon Van Etten are just a few of the 45 artists performing over the three days—but if you miss one of your favorites or just want to see them again, you’re in luck! Every band plays at least twice: once on a

main stage, again in some funkier location (I hear tell of a “Galaxy Barn”). And they’re serious about sustainability—Pickathon has done away with plastic and single-use dishes and utensils, plus their solar array generates enough electricity over the year to offset 100 percent of the energy used by craft and food vendors. Groovy, man. (Aug 2–4, Pendarvis Farm, 16581 SE Hagen Rd, Happy Valley, Oregon, pickathon.com, $130–$260, all ages) EMILY NOKES

Godspeed You! Black Emperor

MUSIC Canada’s iconic post-rock explorers excel in the live domain, and even in a cavernous cement box like Showbox Sodo, their grandiloquent melodies and beatific-to-turbulent song dynamics should overwhelm the senses. Godspeed You! Black Emperor will be supporting their most recent album, 2012’s ’Allelujah! Don’t Bend! Ascend!, which many fans have been calling their best yet. Most rock groups are mired in a steady decline if they last as long as Godspeed have (19 years), but they have, uh, ascended to a new peak. This powerful, beautiful music has taken on an evergreen luster. (Sept 5, Showbox Sodo, 1700 First Ave S, showboxpresents.com, 9 pm, $25 adv/$28 DOS, all ages) DAVE SEGAL

JOHN KEEL

BRAD FRY

Pissed Jeans

Grouper

Experience Some Genius the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Katie Kate at Capitol Hill Block Party

EXPERIENCE GENIUS You’re going to the Capitol Hill Block Party, right? You should! I mean, obviously. It’s only the best non-camping, bus-or-walk-from-pretty-much-anywhere, three-day, not-too-big-or-too-tiny, sooo-fucking-fun neighborhood music bonanza you’ll get day-drunk at all year! More than 100 bands will be playing— including Big Freedia, Flaming Lips, Bleached, Jarv Dee, the Intelligence, and Rose Windows—but you know who you really need to circle on your schedule with a metallic gold Sharpie? Stranger Genius Award finalist and all-around badass musician/producer Katie Kate. For sure. Her boss live shows combine rapping and singing with variegated beats and dance moves for days, plus she sports the best hair—and I mean that in the most professional, music-critic-y way possible. (Block Party July 26–28, Katie Kate plays July 28, 8:30 pm, Barboza Stage, E Pike St and 12th Ave, capitolhillblockparty.com, $40–$115) EMILY NOKES

Five Nights of Genius

Q&A WITH MUSIC AND VISUALS So what’s the deal with all these artists nominated for Genius Awards? Who are they again? Why are they so special? Come hang out with Stranger critics—and the artists themselves—to find out over five Wednesdays in a row at the Frye Art Museum. The series kicks off with a listening party hosted by Emily Nokes, who will interview all the music finalists— Katie Kate; Jherek Bischoff; and Evyind Kang and Jessika Kenney—on stage on July 24. Then David Schmader hosts film finalists Ben Kasulke, Zach Weintraub, and Scott Blake on July 31. Jen Graves hosts visual art finalists Rodrigo Valenzuela, Matthew Offenbacher, and Sherry Markovitz on August 7. Paul Constant hosts literature finalists Neal Stephenson, Maged Zaher, and APRIL Festival on August 14. And Brendan Kiley hosts performance finalists Zoe | Juniper, Amy O’Neal, and Pat Graney, with video of their work, on August 21. (Frye Art Museum, 704 Terry Ave, thestranger.com/genius, 21+) CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE

The 11th Annual

Genius Awards

ANNUAL ARTS BALL The freaks, the geeks, and the beautiful people get together every fall in the name of Seattle art at the Genius Awards party. Film, performance, literature, visual art, and music—everyone. Drinking together. Conspiring in corners. Laughing. Drinking further. Five winners are announced live from the opulent stage, and each goes home with $5,000. Sweaty dancing in the aisles ensues, while an orchestra plays tunes by local geniuses and also dance hits. (Last year they played Michael Jackson; it’s always a surprise.) Take one look at photographs from past years’ parties (thestranger.com/ genius) and you’ll see the greatness you’re in for, featuring the mindblowing Seattle Rock Orchestra and the greatest artists in the city. (Sept 28, Moore Theater, 1932 Second Ave, strangertickets.com, 7:30 pm, $10 general admission/$125 VIP package, 21+) JEN GRAVES

MUSIC GENIUS SHOWCASE

AT THE FRYE ART MUSEUM

Hear what all the fuss is about during the MUSIC NIGHT of our 5-part series, featuring this year’s hottest Seattle musicians and hosted by Emily Nokes!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24 | 5:30-8 PM | 21+ 704 Terry Ave. $10 tickets include one cocktail.

HOW DOES KATIE KATE POP OUT SUCH SICK BEATS?

WHICH ADORABLE BOWTIE WILL JHEREK BISCHOFF BE SPORTING? WHAT DOES EYVIND KANG MEAN ABOUT NOT BECOMING A “FETISH OF YOURSELF?” (AND DOES JESSIKA KENNEY LIKE WHEN HE SAYS “FETISH?”)

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Letterpress Printmaking at SVC

ART Making prints the old-fashioned way is not only plain old-fashioned good times—you’re playing with movable type, cutting patterns into blocks, getting inky, and rolling giant old wheels over paper and metal— it also creates art. This is how basically all printing was done from Gutenberg to the 19th century. In Seattle, the best and friendliest place to learn is the School of Visual Concepts. There’s

The best and friendliest place to learn is the School of Visual Concepts.

always a class on: Check the schedule online. There’s also a celebration and open house for the school’s studio every fall; this year, it’s 1 to 6 p.m. on September 7. Tradition holds that dozens of prints will be hung so that they dangle off the school’s balconies overlooking Aurora, waving in the wind. (School of Visual Concepts, 500 Aurora Ave N, svcseattle.com, $195–$525) JEN GRAVES

Take a Taxidermy Class

DEATH Death is a natural part of life, and so is your desire to skin a frozen rabbit, replace its insides with family-friendly cotton, and pose it on your mantel. Fortunately for budding taxidermy lovers, Ohio native and self-taught taxidermy instructor Mickey Alice Kwapis is returning to Seattle for another weekend of beginning taxidermy classes, in which students will learn precisely those skills, as well as get tips on how to ethically acquire future corpses for taxidermying. Fear not, animal lovers: Students practice on frozen rabbits salvaged from a meat-processing plant that would otherwise trash them. (Sept 13–15, the Belfry, 309 Third Ave S, detroittaxidermy.com, $200) CIENNA MADRID

Learn to Make Kimchi

Learn Yourself a Thing

CHOW Artisanal rotting vegetables are the ragey new rage in Seattle, according to Seattle’s budding community of faux homesteaders. It’s easy to see why. Cabbage-based fermented foods like sauerkraut and kimchi are full of deliciously sour probiotics and other magical properties that do everything from aid digestion to help stifle yeast infections, on top of being motherfucking delicious. Thanks to monthly fermentation classes taught at Ballard’s Firefly Kitchens, you can learn to rot your vegetables right and leave with two jars of fresh kraut. Check out their website for up-to-date class schedules, or contact them to schedule your own private lesson. (Firefly Kitchens, 844 NW 49th St, fireflykitchens.com, CIENNA MADRID

Breakdancing at the Beacon

DANCE

Massive Monkees, Seattle’s best and only worldchampion breakdancing crew, now have a permanent home in the International District called the Beacon. And what do they do there? They teach regular ol’ non-world-champs HOW TO DANCE! The long list of evening and weekend classes for adults include Beginning Breakin’, Boogaloo, and Hip-Hop Choreography. The neatest and sweetest classes, though, are the ones for kids and toddlers. Ooh, and the after-school programs geared toward middle and high school students. In these, the Monkees mentor and transform regular kids into confident, empowered, badass superhero kids. And who doesn’t wanna see their son or daughter learn how to rule the frickin’ world? (The Beacon, 664 S King St, massivemonkees.com $10–$15) KELLY O

Learn to Make Tamales

CORN Pork lard is involved in El Centro de la Raza’s traditional tamale recipe, and they will not skip the pork lard during their monthly tamalemaking class, and they are not apologizing for it. This class is also for adults only; it lasts two and a half hours, and it takes a mature mind to absorb the mysteries of the tamale. Embrace the pork lard and learn the secrets, and take home a dozen tamales of your own making at the end, plus the ability to make tamales for the rest of your natural life. (They’ll give you a vegetarian recipe, too, if you insist.) All fees support El Centro’s Senior Wellness Program. (El Centro de la Raza, 2524 16th Ave S, elcentrodelaraza.com, $75) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Learn How to Tell a Joke

LAUGHS Local comedian Danielle Gregoire wants to help you learn how to write and tell jokes. Gregoire curates Seattle’s most welcoming open mic night, the Comedy Womb, every Tuesday night in the basement of the Rendezvous. On the first Tuesday of every month, she also curates an hour-long comedy workshop where new comics can hone their material, ask questions, work on their delivery, and generally absorb the wisdom of a rotating cast of comedians in a welcoming basement atmosphere. Gregoire is especially keen on mentoring new female comedians in the scene, so ladies, don’t be shy. (Tuesdays, Rendezvous, 2322 Second Ave, comedywomb.com, 6 pm, $5, 21+) CIENNA MADRID

KELLY

Learn Yourself a Thing Make/Fix Your Own Clothes

SEWING Nothing reminds you of your own failure quite like a looming trash bag of “I’m going to fix or alter this later” clothing. My own failure bag has expanded with promise, only to end in Value Village shame-runs more times than I can count. That adorable ’80s party dress you always meant to hem?

What about those butt-loving jeans that merely need a new zipper? You could be looking awesome, but you’re not. You’re looking lazy! Learn sewing basics or refresh your skills at Stitches on Capitol Hill, where classes for beginners (sew a bag, apron, or pillow) to intermediate and advanced students (sew a sundress or a buttonup shirt, or learn to alter your pants—imagine the freedom!) run all summer long. (Stitches, 711 E Pike St, stitchesseattle.com, $25–$75) EMILY NOKES

Smoke Farm Symposium

CAMPING FOR BRAINIACS For several years, a small, unpretentious, invite-only symposium of scientists, artists, economists, and culinary talents has gathered in the rural splendor of Smoke Farm, an hour north of the city, for a weekend of talks, fireside conversations, river swimming, and camping. This year, the Symposium is open to the public. Speakers include Micah White, editor of Adbusters and cocreator of Occupy Wall Street; Deborah Gordon, an ant biologist at Stanford who studies colony behavior; and David Shapiro, UW philosophy teacher and former LA comedy writer Stranger staffer Brendan Kiley cocurates the symposium, but don’t let that stop you! (Sat Aug 3, Smoke Farm, strangertickets.com, free, $15 suggested donation for dinner)

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Go to the Arcade

Add-a-Ball, John John’s, The Grizzled Wizard, and Shorty’s

Magic: the Gathering Mondays and Fridays from 6 p m to midnight.

WETHINKCAPITOLHILLCOULDUSEMOREMAGIC. PHOENIX

COMICS & GAMES 113 Broadway E, Seattle

Aide-mémoire JEWELRY

Handmade in Seattle Custom Eco-friendly Wedding Bands

Aide-mémoire is dedicated to marriage equality and eco-friendly practices.  www.aidememoirejewelry.com

CHOW/GAMES You should definitely go to all of these places, but never in one evening—you’ll end up in some beerdrenched, wizard-and-clown-themed coma. Add-a-Ball’s owners (one of whom has been known to abruptly strip to his underwear) started the place with a suitcase of cash won in a Mojave Desert truck race. Their newish Capitol Hill bar, John John’s, is home to the foot-high Cold Springs “Man Can.” There are also vintage arcade games and a giant papiermâché polar bear. Shorty’s has a clown motif, cheap, good hot dogs with fluorescent-green relish, more clowns, a nautical-themed backroom, and pinball. The Grizzled Wizard is known for its sexy DIO mural and is rumored to serve “Hawaiian Pizza Shots.” (Add-a-Ball, add-a-ball.com; John John’s, johnjohnsgameroom. com; Shorty’s, shortydog.com; The Grizzled Wizard, grizzledwizard.com) SARAH GALVIN

Seattle Pinball Museum

PINBALL

“Dedicated to the preservation of pinball for future generations,” the Seattle Pinball Museum in the International District currently has 54 pinball machines. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine the sound of 54 pinball machines—the chimes of a certain kind of heaven. The machines span seven decades, including a 1969 King Tut, a 1978 Close Encounters of the Third Kind, a 1990 Data East Simpsons, a 1999 Star Wars Episode 1, a 2011 Rolling Stones, and a shiny new 2013 Metallica Pro. Pay the entrance fee, and they’re all set to free play. Also, there is beer. Heaven, indeed. (508 Maynard Ave S, 623-0759, $10 adults/$7 kids 12 and under) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Sopranos Pinball

GAMES I can’t believe I’m telling you this, because this is my little pinball secret, but the Sopranos machine at GameWorks is really fun. (RIP, James Gandolfini.) No one goes to GameWorks to play pinball, they go to GameWorks to race cars and shoot zombies, so while everyone else is wasting their money on Dance Dance Revolution, you can spend hours working your way up to Mob Boss. It’s got a talking fish and mini pole-dancers, and it’s not too hard to score a free game, either! Bada bing! (GameWorks, 1511 Seventh Ave, gameworks.com)

MEGAN SELING

JAKE CLIFFORD

We’re by waiving the adoption fee for adult bonded pairs and senior cats, seven years and older, through July. Stop by today and get matched with the purrrfect feline!

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

Undersea Gardens and Miniature Museum

VICTORIA No car? No problem! Get out of town by boat! For less than $200 a person, you can take a ride on the Clipper and spend a night in beautiful Victoria, BC. While there, hit up Miniature World, with 80 handcrafted mini dioramas on display. They’ve got a tiny carnival with tiny rides that move! And a tiny World War II scene with tiny Nazis! It’s amazing. Undersea Gardens is neat, too. It smells a little weird (it’s underwater—there are no windows), but while I was there, I saw a crab swim. I didn’t know crabs could swim. They look ridiculous. (Miniature World, 649 Humboldt St, miniatureworld.com; Undersea Gardens, 490 Belleville St, pacificunderseagardens.com)

MEGAN SELING

La Tarasca

MEXICAN FOOD

The only reason to visit Centralia (a town halfway to Portland) is La Tarasca, a Mexican restaurant that’s on Main Street and, in truth, is nothing special to look at. If you have no clue about the place, you’ll pass it without a second thought. But once you’ve eaten there, you’ll never pass that city again without recalling the wonderfully rich Colorado sauce on the chicken breast, the wholesome, homemade corn tortillas, the carnitas plate that’s twice the size of your face. I have yet to find a Mexican restaurant in Seattle that impresses the senses in the way La Tarasca does. The next big thing in Centralia is RichArt’s Junk Art Yard. (La Tarasca, 1001 W Main St, Centralia, 360-7367756) CHARLES MUDEDE

Take a Road Trip

Waving Grizzly Bears

SEQUIM Maybe, like me, you laughed a little too hard when Timothy Treadwell kept calling that big-ass grizzly bear “Mr. Chocolate” in Werner Herzog’s 2005 documentary Grizzly Man. Maybe you wish YOU could just walk up to a bear and start chatting with him, like he’s an old family friend. Well, guess what—YOU CAN! All you need is a loaf of wheat bread and a car to take the driving tour at the Olympic Game Farm. Sure, there are tigers, wolves, elk, zebras, llamas, and bison… but it’s all about the bears. There’s only a low wire fence that separates you from the fuzzy giants, who are usually sitting upright on their fat butts. You throw a few pieces of bread at them from your car window, and then give them a wave. If you’re nice enough, they will wave back, like a prom queen does from the back of a convertible in a Fourth of July parade. Timothy Treadwell would be proud. (Olympic Game Farm, 1423 Ward Rd, Sequim, olygamefarm.com, $12) KELLY O

New-Agey Woo Woo, Mini Golf, Thrifting, and Dairy Queen

YELM Not only is it fun to say—YELLMMM—but the city of Yelm is a great place to get weird, and it’s only an hour and 15 minutes south of Seattle. And did you know it’s home to Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment, an 80-acre compound founded by JZ Knight, who channels a 35,000-year-old fake voice entity? If seminars on “creating your own personal reality” don’t sound appealing (or affordable, starting at $400), then get in a round at the ultra-friendly Nick’s Mini Golf, or hit up one of the many thrift spots for dozens of framed Patrick Nagel posters and vintage star-spangled bell-bottoms. Don’t forget to stop by the DQ on your way out of town! (Yelm, yelm.com, mini golf admission $5 adults/$3.50 kids 12 and under, Dairy Queen mini-Blizzard $2.67) EMILY NOKES

‘The Sound of Music’

MUSICAL SOUNDS My only childhood memory of Leavenworth, Washington—a mountain town themed after a Bavarian village—is eating at a Mexican restaurant, of all things. But don’t go for the enchiladas. Go there because the hills are quite literally alive with The Sound of Music. They perform the show live all summer in an outdoor amphitheater. My ex-boyfriend, who was gay enough to have a horrifying experience called “growing up in Leavenworth,” played each boy in the Von Trapp family, graduating from one role to the next as he got older. I couldn’t mention doorbells, sleigh bells, or schnitzel with noodles in his presence without him breaking out in hives, but he could sing every note of that musical. All thanks to years and years of singing on a mountainside in Leavenworth, which you should go see. (July 5–Sept 1, Ski Hill Amphitheater, Leavenworth, leavenworthsummertheater.org, 8 pm, $14–$30) DOMINIC HOLDEN

Hang Out with Sloths

ANIMALS Just one hour south of Portland, in Rainier, Oregon, sits a place where dreams come true. At the Zoological Wildlife Conservation Center, you can hold a sloth and feed a lemur. You can interact with fennec foxes (those ears!), red kangaroos, and wallabies, or hang out with wolves, pygmy goats, and a mini horse. It’s basically cuteoverload. com in real life. And because it’s a sanctuary, they keep visiting groups very small, so it’s a really calm, intimate experience—unlike the zoo, where babies are constantly screaming. Jerky babies. (Zoological Wildlife Conservation Center, 74320 Larson Rd, Rainier, Oregon, chasingtail.com, reservations required) MEGAN SELING

Maryhill Museum of Art

ART I don’t care where you’ve been, you’ve never been to a museum like this. It is out in the middle of nowhere on a cliff. Out on the cliff, there are peacocks wandering around (they will chase after you), and a full-size replica of Stonehenge, and a sculpture park with new art, and the first-ever asphalt road in Washington State. In the galleries: chess sets of the world, sculptures by Rodin, French fashion, Eastern Orthodox icons, royal regalia from Romania, Native American basketry, art nouveau glass (Lalique, et cetera), and obscure (some quite weird) American and European paintings. I couldn’t make this up. (Maryhill Museum of Art, 35 Maryhill Museum Dr, Goldendale, maryhillmuseum.org, $9) JEN GRAVES

theSTRANGER SUGGESTS

‘Freedom Fantasia’ BURLESQUE

From the good folks behind the dazzling drag-and-burlesque show Homo for the Holidays comes this Fourth of July spectacular, featuring a high density of Seattle talent (Jinkx Monsoon! Cherdonna & Lou! Kitten LaRue! The amazing Ben DeLaCreme!) celebrating and satirizing “the exhilarating highs and questionable lows of America and Americana.” If this group’s previous work is any indication, this will be a fast, sharp, hilarious show lit up with goodold-fashioned showmanship (and boobs). (Triple Door, 216 Union St, tripledoor.net, 9 pm, $27, 17+, through July 6) DAVID SCHMADER

Independence Day Picnic FUN

Celebrate your great American independence with an afternoon in a park packed full of stuff to delight and divert you and your entire goddamn family. Among the attractions of the 11th Annual Independence Day Picnic: free hot dogs (beef and Field Roast) from noon to 2 p.m.!

A pie-eating contest! A pet/human look-alike contest! Group yoga! And music, from kidpleasers (the Not-Its!) to bluesy punks (Gnarlene and the Frisky Pigs) to Brazilian jazz (Choro Loco). Wear sunscreen. (Cal Anderson Park, 1635 11th Ave, calandersonpark.org, noon–5 pm, free)

DAVID SCHMADER

Bob Log III

‘Evocateur: The Morton Downey Jr. Movie’ FILM

In the late 1980s, Morton Downey Jr. skyrocketed to infamy as the star of a ludicrously combative talk show on which our host smoked incessantly, got into screaming fights with guests, and made his points in the filthiest way possible. The flatteringly titled documentary Evocateur tells the Morton Downey Jr. story in all its repulsive glory, with jaw-dropping clips, sharply drawn animation, and even cruel “celebrity” readings of the man’s postcollegiate poetry used to paint a garishly entertaining portrait of one of the ugliest Ugly Americans ever. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll gape in horror. (Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th St, grandillusioncinema.org, 7 and 9 pm, $8) DAVID SCHMADER

Nicolas Cage Match!

Jaimee Garbacik

BOOKS Besides being a tireless advocate for the all-ages scene, Jaimee Garbacik is also the author of Gender & Sexuality for Beginners, a guidebook that explains feminism, gender roles, sexual orientation, and transsexual issues in easy-to-understand language. This is the book you read if you’re a kid and you don’t fit in, it’s the book you give your parents when they have trouble understanding you, it’s the book you read when you want to begin to understand what it’s like to be someone else. Gender affects everything, and we barely understand it; this is important stuff. (University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, bookstore.washing ton.edu, 7 pm, free) PAUL CONSTANT

FILM

Nicolas Cage is a force of nature. Nicolas Cage doesn’t act like anyone else. And we love him for it. To celebrate Fourth of July weekend, I’m hosting Nicolas Cage Match, a one-day film festival showing six of Cage’s best films in order: Raising Arizona, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, Vampire’s Kiss, Adaptation, Con Air, and The Wicker Man—on the big screen. Plus: Cagey ephemera, a lunchtime visit from food truck Now Make Me a Sandwich— which will be serving special Cage-themed sandwiches—and much, much more. Lives will be changed. (SIFF Cinema Uptown, 511 Queen Anne Ave N, siff.net, 11 am, $35/$25 SIFF members) PAUL CONSTANT

Kurt Dammeier’s

Awesome Pork Shoulder

CHOW For a family dinner, my mom recently made Slow-Cooked Orange-Chili Pork

If there’s a filthier white-boy blues rocker than Bob Log III, I’ll eat the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion’s entire catalog. Donning a motorcycle helmet with a built-in mic, Log forges an ornery, adrenalized species of blues that reeks of the scrap yard and squalid Mississippi saloons. If American musical archivist Harry Smith were alive, he’d probably give this raucous, rude guitarist/drummer/vocalist a hearty high five. You, live person with good taste, will probably give Bob Log III five pounds of sweat. (Crocodile, 2200 Second Ave, thecrocodile.com, 8 pm, $15 adv, 21+) DAVE SEGAL

Horizon at the Frye

Shoulder from Kurt Beecher Dammeier’s cookbook Pure Flavor (that’s Beecher as in Beecher’s Cheese; the recipe is findable online, but he’d probably love it if you bought the book). It is a big, stewy, spicygreat thing, plus it’s easy to fix, and the leftovers make superlative tacos. Warning: If you use the full amount of chili powder (which you definitely should), be sure to get a lot of air flow going during the browning part, for it will be like the WTO in your kitchen. Hi Mom! BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Along one long wall, a smattering of various-sized gilt-framed landscapes from the Frye’s collection are hung to form a single, contiguous horizon line. What you notice are the bare tools available in shaping a view: scale, geometry, shade, color. On the facing wall is a giant projection of a 2003 video, Morning After the Deluge, by Paul Pfeiffer. A sunrise and sunset come together in the center of an unhinged sky, unhinged because Pfeiffer adjusted the view frame by frame to create the alignment, shifting the seen universe for the sake of sheer perplexing pleasure. (Frye Art Museum, 704 Terry Ave, fryemuseum.org, 11 am–5 pm, free) JEN GRAVES

ARTS

GARBACIK Expert on everything from Australopithecus to Smurfette.

BOOKS

Everything You Wanted to Know About Sexuality*

*But Were Afraid to Ask

BY PAUL CONSTANT

IPREVIEW

Jaimee Garbacik

Fri July 5, University Book Store, 7 pm, free

f you want a symbol of how little thought we put toward gender, consider the stick figures on the doors of public restrooms. One wears a skirt; the other, presumably, wears pants. Boom. One binary choice. You don’t even need to be able to read to get it. But just about everybody understands now that a significant portion of the population doesn’t fit into that binary, and more progressive corners of society are pushing for us to understand that the “binary” is actually a spectrum of sexuality and gender. But people seeking some level of understanding when it comes to, say, transgender issues might have a hard time educating themselves—after all, asking someone you barely know about their genitals is pretty much as rude as you can get. So how can you expect people to learn?

Local author Jaimee Garbacik’s Gender & Sexuality for Beginners (For Beginners, $16.99) is a skinny book that aspires to cover a lot of ground. Here you’ll find chapters on the history of feminism, a timeline of the fight for gay rights, a dismantling of the idea that certain genders are born predestined for certain tasks, and a biological discussion of sexuality and gender. It’s a book that anyone at any educational level can pick up and start reading, from teens trying to figure out who they are, to parents trying to understand their children, to students looking to get a foothold into an overwhelming subject matter.

Garbacik’s passionate, information-packed prose is illustrated on nearly every page by cartoonist Jeffrey Lewis, and the pairing makes what could be an intimidating read much more approachable. Lewis’s sketches of figures (Smurfette, Sojourner Truth, a lineup of protohumans from Australopithecus

RANI

on up to Homo sapiens) and cartoons featuring friendly characters discussing topics like what the “Q” in “LGBTQ” stands for illuminate the dense prose. Even if you’re fairly familiar with the subjects, you’ll learn something along the way. (I had no idea, for example, that women were not guaranteed the right to serve on juries until the Supreme Court made a ruling in 1975. We’ve come a long way in a short time.)

This is a book for everyone: useful, smart, opinionated, surprising. It’s not the final word or the authoritative source on gender and sexuality, but it’s a great first step. Even more important, and this is not something I get to say very often: If a copy of it were to land in the right pair of hands, this is a book that could save a life.

PERFORMANCE

All the World’s a Stage

The Whole House Was,

Anyway—and

the Front Yard

BY MELODY DATZ

Constellation Half-Remembered is a series of collaborative performances that began, in the words of UMAMI cofounders Aaron Swartzman and Aiko Kinoshita, with a series of “research playdates.” The results vary in materials and styles of production, from 2012’s SILT to last Sunday afternoon’s NEST to this week’s PATINA, which is the “cornerstone event” in the series.

NEST was an expertly and lovingly produced salon-style event of music, dance, food, and discussion set in a lush West Seattle garden and home. The afternoon began with clarinet performed in the front yard by Amy Denio and collaborator Beth Fleenor. Some of us were seated in the yard, and others were inside, but as people came out to hear the music, an easy back-and-forth flow between yard and house was established. After the musicians led the whole group to gather in the living room, dancers grouped together in a circle and gradually rotated en masse as they swept their arms up and around the other bodies, some changing

direction and moving through the group, but never breaking from the pulsating rhythm set by Denio and Fleenor’s soft, whispered sounds.

Outside, Kinoshita and dancer Shannon Stewart matched and met each other’s movements, pausing over a large metal washtub and then backing away. They returned later, Kinoshita to a now-filled washtub, splashing in the water and holding her head down in a pensive, personal moment made all the more intimate by the angles through which we viewed the scene: some through a closed living-room window, some (like me) over a gate and through branches. NEST offered no defined stage—the living room, dining room, front yard, side yard, and steep carpeted stairs of the classic old house were the viewing points, so we settled in as we would for an impromptu conversation with family members. None of us had the same experience. We all saw things from different angles.

UMAMI’s blog describes Constellation Half-Remembered as “exploring how accumulated memories create the many-layered complexity of who we are.” Swartzman’s family viewed the primary dance portion from a red picnic blanket on the front lawn, his son’s laughter punctuating the silence afterward. In a crescendo illustrating the fine balance between collaboration and frustration, Stew-

None

of us had the same experience. We all saw things from different angles.

art, Kinoshita, Swartzman, and fellow dancers Katie Arrants and Laura Prudhomme finished a piece by continually running around the yard and then crashing into one another, the final collision purposefully (hopefully) taking someone out as she passed out fresh fruit from a halved watermelon. The gourd went flying, and some blueberries landed on my sweaty lap. I ate them anyway.

Constellation Half-Remembered: PATINA, July 5–6 at 8 pm, July 7 at 4 pm, Open Flight Studio (4205 University Way); July 20 at 3 pm, Jack Block Park (2130 Harbor Ave SW); July 26–27 at 8 pm, Parallel Public Works (424 SW 153rd St, Burien); tickets and information at umamiperformance.wordpress.com.

LOOSE LIPS

• Elliott Bay Book Company celebrated its 40th birthday with a private party last Sunday night. Spotted in the room: hilarious Seattle novelist Maria Semple, in a royal blue dress, introducing herself to Sherman Alexie, in royal blue pants. Store owner Peter Aaron was wearing a suit and tie (!), and the food included oysters, crab cakes, and an entire roasted pig they’d named Jeff B. Everyone kept going back for seconds of Jeff B., sinking their forks into Jeff B.’s back and legs and between his ribs, talking about how delicious Jeff B. was.

• What’s that? You would like to buy last-minute fireworks from a local artist? Go to the Swinomish Casino, where photographer Matika Wilbur is on break from being on the road with her project of photographing all 562 federally recognized Native tribes. She’s womanning a fireworks stand right next door to the casino that’s open every day until the Fourth from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. Look for the sign that says “Sonic Boom Babes. Unsafe and Insane.”

• After starring as a severely troubled birthday-party clown in the gallows-humor comedy Tall Skinny Cruel Cruel Boys, which closed June 24, Hannah Victoria Franklin left her position as co–artistic director of Washington Ensemble Theater. Nearly everyone at WET is a co–artistic director, so they have plenty to go around, but we hope to see her again very soon. “Can someone organize an all-female festival of Mamet plays for her to star in?” Stranger theater editor Brendan Kiley wrote about Tall Skinny, describing Franklin’s character as “a marshmallow with a core of creosote.”

• On Monday, Mayor Mike McGinn’s office released the names of the winners of the 2013 Mayor’s Arts Awards. Unlike several past Arts Awards outings, this is a solid list. It features a pair of great do-gooders: 826 Seattle for the “Future Focus” award and Pongo Teen Writing Project (which teaches poetry to kids in juvie) in the unfortunately named “Arts as the How” category. Perennial Team Art Seattle all-stars the Frye Art Museum and Barbara Earl Thomas win as the “Venture Culturalist” and the “Cultural Ambassador,” respectively. Glass artist Preston Singletary is “Raising the Bar,” and Seattle Repertory Theatre wins “Artistic City.” Congratulations to all the (very deserving) winners, who will be celebrated in a ceremony at Bumbershoot on Friday, August 30, at 4 p.m.

• For years, Seattle’s public-art roster has needed the energy infusion that can only come from short-term, ephemeral projects on the streets. So last summer, the Seattle Office of Arts & Culture began sponsoring an array of fleeting art across the city. This second edition has begun, and it includes an interactive pottery station by Dane Youngren, movable camera obscura booths by Joe Park and Claude Zervas at Westlake Park, and Art Interruptions 2013, a lineup of a dozen more works on the waterfront and Beacon Hill. Youngren’s project promises to be a highlight. On Pier 62/63, you’re invited to create ceramics while watching destruction at the “Alaskan Way Viaduct Observation and Demolition Unit.”

BAN

JAIMEE

ARTS GOSSIP BY SONIC BOOM BABES

BIKE FRIDAYS

HOME FERMENTATION

July 5 at 4 pm

Kombucha demo with Chris Joyner of CommuniTea

EXTREME MAKEOVERS

July 12 at 5 pm

Demos with Shannon Bisconer of Vain

LIFE HACKS

August 19 at 6 pm

Light in a Jar Demo with Ned Konz of Jigsaw Renaissance

YOGA

July 27 at 12 pm

Yoga with Julia Greenway of Interstitial Theatre

FREE admission for cyclists every Friday through September 20!

THROAT SINGING

August 2 at 4 pm

Throat Singing Workshop with Arrington de Dionyso

MUSIC VIDEO DANCE TUTORIALS

August 9 at 6 pm

Workshop with Kate Wallich

ENERGY HEALING

August 16 at 4pm

Energy Freedom Technique Demo

ALTERNATIVE INSTRUMENTATION

August 25 at 4 pm and 6 pm

Bicycle Synthesizers with John Teske

FREE FRIDAY PROGRAMS

HENRY ART GALLERY

Hot Glass Vocabulary:

Blowpipe

Glory Hole

“Flash it”

Grinder

Paddles

Shaft Collar

Hot Bits...

Special Collections. The result is a surprise bulldozing of the distinctions between high and low, ideal beauty and medical health, sex and sales. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jul 7. 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280.

MUSEUM OF HISTORY AND INDUSTRY

Still Afloat: A Contemporary History of Seattle’s Floating Homes : All kinds of information, images, and artifacts about houseboats. Or is it boathouses? No, no, it’s houseboats. $14. Through Nov 3. 860 Terry Ave N, 324-1126.

OLYMPIC

SCULPTURE PARK Outside in the park this summer, well, it’s summer in Seattle plus art plus water and mountain views, for the love of god, so don’t waste it. Inside the park’s pavilion is Encontro das Águas, which envelops the walls in a drawn sea of sinuously winding waves. The scale of Sandra Cinto’s piece is such that you drown in the work, happy to be going down with the ship as the silvery lines pull you under. Free. Through Oct 20. 2901 Western Ave, 654-3100.

SEATTLE ART MUSEUM Fashion blockbuster! Future Beauty is three decades of design from the country that’s had the single greatest influence on experimental world fashion during that period: Japan. You’ll see 80 gowns, by creators from Issey Miyake, Rei Kawakubo, and Yohji Yamamoto to Junya Watanabe, plus videos of runway shows, photographs, and ephemera made in response by contemporary artists like Cindy Sherman. The only question is: What will you wear?

$17. Wed-Sun. Through Sept 8. 1300 First Ave, 625-8900.

Gallery

Openings

DAVIDSON GALLERIES

John James Audubon: Yep, THAT Audubon. I Might Exaggerate: Symbol-laden, high-contrast madness from Warren Dykeman. Free. Tues-Sat. Through Jul 27. 313 Occidental Ave S, 624-1324.

GALLERY 110

Stretchable Moment : David Beckley, Nancy Coleman, and Cass Walker display photographs that couldn’t be more different from one another. Free. Tues-Sat. Through Jul 27. 110 Third Ave S 624-9336.

GREG KUCERA GALLERY

SuttonBeresCuller: The Genius Award-winning art collaborative/ band of troublemakers known for shutting down the 520 bridge with a floating “desert island” show their sculptures which, in the past, have included Katamarilike balls of stuff and a tiny park installed on a flatbed trailer. Free. Tues-Sat. Through Aug 17. 212 Third Ave S, 624-0770.

LINDA HODGES GALLERY

Fred Holcomb: Dramatically striated landscape paintings of flat places. Lee Kelly: Weathered and building-block-ish sculptures. Free. Tues-Sat. Through Jul 27. 316 First Ave S, 624-3034.

LISA HARRIS GALLERY

Christine Sharp “RE:scape” Paintings with Gallery Artists:

Painted deconstructions of PacNoWe landmarks. Free. Jul 5-28. 1922 Pike Pl, 443-3315.

OFFICE OF ARTS & CULTURAL AFFAIRS

Weather Works : The City of Seattle’s Portable Works Collection (so that’s a thing) recently purchased nearly 50 works from almost 30 artists, all on the theme of weather and atmosphere. Almost every type of media is represented, including embroidery and knitting. Free. Mon-Fri. Through Sept 30. 700 5th Ave

PAPER HAMMER

Karen Hackenberg: Paintings from her Watershed series depicting found objects, placed triumphantly against the water source in which they were found. Free. Mon-Sat. Through Jul 27. 1400 Second Ave 682-3820.

PATRICIA ROVZAR GALLERY

Beneath Summer Skies: Luke

Tornatzky shows paintings of boats, reflections of boats, and everything in between. Free. Mon-Sun. Through Jul 29. 1225 Second Ave, 223-0273.

PUNCH GALLERY

COOP : Punch invites an artist co-op from Nashville into the gallery and urges you to “bring on the rhinestones.” Free. Thurs-Sat. Through Jul 27. 119

Prefontaine Pl S, 621-1945.

ROOM 104

David C. Kane: Investigations Regarding the Narrative, Psychological and Expressive Implications of Geometric Abstractions of the Human Physiognomy in Painting, or Scoubidou. : Well, there you have it. Free. Wed-Sat. Through Jul 29. 306 S Washington St, #104 953-8104.

SHIFT STUDIO

Ken Barnes & Jen Grabarczyk: Abstract stone sculptures and large-scale 2-D work. Free. Fri-Sat. Through Jul 27. 306 S Washington St, Ste 105, 679-8915.

SOIL Holdfast: Kiki MacInnis shows mixed-media ink drawings related to the enmeshed splendor of tidal debris. Surf and Turf: Jessia Dolence, Trisha Holt, and Erica Schreiner use their various backgrounds to examine the king of middle-class meals (still just $19.99 at the Tukwila Sizzler). Free. Wed-Sat. Through Jul 27. 112 Third Ave S, 264-8061.

Continuing Exhibitions

4CULTURE

I Need Nothing: Tom Hughes builds forts! And you can even go inside them sometimes, but they’re small, so there’s only room for you and your painful childhood memories. Free. Mon-Fri. Through Jul 26. 101

Prefontaine Pl S ABMEYER AND WOOD

William Morris: Sculptures of ritual vessels in glass and stone by the artist who was a glass celebrity. He went from being completely on fire to taking his earnings and chilling the fuck out, mostly retiring from the public eye. Smart one, that guy. Now he’s popping back up with pieces in the convenient price range of $85,000 to $350,000. Free. Tues-Sun. Through Jul 28. 1210 Second Ave S, 628-9501. THE BELLTOWN COLLECTIVE

KeseyPollock: In the chaotic studio of artists Steph Kese and Erin Pollock, the outlines and traces of people appear—in drawings and paintings that plaster the wall, in 15,000 photographs and 50 gigs of video footage—but the wax figures in them are gone. The artists liquefied them all on a custombuilt melting plate. Mon-Sun. Through Jul 14. 2231 1st Ave

Events

ARTISTS UP

A two-part, bilingual information session for Latina(o) artists on how to navigate funding opportunities. Langston Hughes Performing Arts Center, 104 17th Ave S, 467-8734 x11. artistsup.org/. $8 for both, $5 for one. Mon July 8, 6:30-8:30 pm, and Mon July 15, 6:30-9 pm. visualart@thestranger.com

READINGS

Wednesday 7/3

CECY ROBSON

Four sisters are granted magical powers in Robson’s Weird Girls series. A Cursed Embrace is the newest book in that series. University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

Friday 7/5

JAIMEE GARBACIK

The local author of Gender and Sexuality For Beginners who is also on the board of the Vera Project, will read from her great book, which explains a host of gender-and-sexuality issues to readers in clear, explanatory language. University Book Store 4326 University Way NE, 6343400. Free. 7 pm.

Sunday 7/7

NAOMI HIRAHARA

To celebrate the Japanese National Museum’s traveling biennial convention’s arrival in Seattle, Naomi Hirahara reads from her mystery novel Strawberry Yellow Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 3 pm.

Monday 7/8

GAEL FASHINGBAUER

COOPER

Ugh: The Totally Sweet ’90s is a “humorous” book that looks back on a decade that doesn’t deserve much looking back on. Let’s all make a pact to ignore ’90s nostalgia, okay? University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

KATE ELLIOTT Cold Steel is the final book in Kate Elliott’s Spiritwalker Trilogy.” University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

LANE RYO HIRABAYASHI

Hirabayashi is professor of Asian American Studies and the George and Sakaye Aratani professor of the Japanese American Incarceration, Redress, and Community at UCLA. His book A Principled Stand is the story of his uncle Gordon’s fight against the Japanese internship during World War II. Gordon Hirabayashi was a student at the University of Washington. Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

Tuesday 7/9

ANDREW SEAN GREER

The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells is a novel about a woman who lives three lives more or less at once. Promotional materials indicate that “the impossible happens, the joyful happens, and the unbearable happens also.” Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

JOE HILL

If you missed Stephen King’s son when he came through town a month and a half ago for his new creepy horror novel, NOS4A2, local sci-fi writing organization Clarion West is bringing him back to town for another event. If you’re scared by the very idea of a place called Christmasland, this could be the reading for you. Central Library, 1000 Fourth Ave, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm. readings@thestranger.com

THEATER

Opening and Current Runs

HOMEBODY

“Mary Ewald’s performance as the title character of Tony Kushner’s monologue Homebody is a thrilling exercise in hesitation and restraint. Sipping tea and talking in elliptical curlicues to a small audience in a small room—New City has cordoned off a part of its theater so only a few people can see the show at a time— Homebody primly fantasizes about Afghanistan, a far-off land that has been conquered so many times in the past 5,000 years. She is materially comfortable but psychologically distraught (beneath all that primness), and by the end of the monologue, we

adore her, sitting and prattling at her table, delicately stacking her Afghan hats, and glancing off to her left where a violent red light occasionally beams through the lath of a busted plaster wall. We feel intimate with her and her selfaware tension between fantasy and reality. Or, as she puts it, her state of being ‘suspended in the Rhetorical Colloidal Forever that agglutinates between Might and Do.’” (Brendan Kiley) New City Theater 1404 18th Ave. www. brownpapertickets.com. $20. FriSat at 8 pm. Through July 6. LIFE.CYCLE.

A new play by Keiko Green, directed by Amy Escobar, about employees in the “Office of Reincarnation” and a newly dead woman who shows up without her paperwork. Eclectic Theater, 1214 10th Ave, 6793271. $8-$12. Wed at 8 pm, Fri at 8 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm. Through July 6.

LUCKY IN LOVE

A new circus and cabaret show set in a casino, rolling high with the talents of Les Petits Frères, contortionist Vita Radionova, chanteuse Francine Reed, trapeze artists Duo Madrona, juggler Sergiy Krutikov, and former Ringling Bros. clown Peter Pitofsky. Teatro ZinZanni, 222 Mercer St, 802-0015. $60-$108. Thurs-Sat at 6:30 pm, Sun at 5:30 pm. Select Wed evenings and Sun matinees. Through Sept. 8.

THE MAGIC PUDDING

A summer park performance of a “relatively unknown Australian classic” about three vagabond friends and their magic pudding who are pitted against judges, politicians, and police officers in this satirical children’s play. Theater Schmeater at Volunteer Park, 1247 15th Ave, 684-4555. schmeater.org. Free. Sat-Sun at 5 pm. Through July 27.

PICNIC

A handsome drifter comes to a small town on Labor Day weekend and sets all the ladies aflutter.

Written by William Inge, directed by Davis Hsieh. ReAct Theater at Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 364-3283. reacttheatre.org.

$8-$16. Fri at 8 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm. Through Aug 3.

STU FOR SILVERTON

A world-premiere musical about the life and times of a trans mayor in a small Oregon town. Based on the real-life story of Stu Rasmussen. Directed by Andrew Russell. Cornish Playhouse at Seattle Center 201 Mercer St, 726-5190. $20. Preview performance Wed July 3 at 8 pm.

THE TOTALLY TRUE AND ALMOST ACCURATE ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO

A new summer park play by Brendan Healy (Suffering, Inc.), directed by Shawn Belyea, about an Italian theater group whose lead actor has disappeared. Balagan Theater at Volunteer Park, 1247 15th Ave, 684-4555. balagantheatre.org. Free. SatSun at 2 pm. Through July 27.

Cabaret

MIMOSAS WITH MAMA

The demise of the Broadway Grill cannot stop drag diva Mama Tits from hosting this brunch buffet with the titular mimosas and a drag cabaret to go along with! Now find her/them/it every Sunday at the (very festive) Narwhal, in the basement of the Unicorn. Narwhal, 1118 E Pike st, 800-838-3006. mimosaswithmama.com. $12. Sun at 1 pm. Ongoing.

RAW Washington Ensemble Theater presents a sampling of new works in a cabaret-style format. Washington Ensemble Theater , 608 19th Ave E, 325-5105. $10. Sat July 6 at 7:30 pm.

SPIN THE BOTTLE

Late-night variety show featuring theater, music, dance, spoken word, film, and more since 1997. Annex Theater, 1100 E Pike St, www.annextheatre.org. $10. First Fri of every month at 11 pm.

theater@thestranger.com

CHOW

Shanik

the STRANGER SUGGESTS

People are CA-RAZY about Vij’s in Vancouver, BC. When sister restaurant Shanik opened this past winter in South Lake Union, anticipation was CA-RAZY high, and the start was rocky (including staff turnover right as the opening occurred). Shanik is not Vij’s, nor will it ever be, but if you want refined, imaginative Indian cuisine made with high-quality, carefully sourced ingredients, served with professionalism in an unostentatious but elegant setting, you should try it. Yes, it is expensive, but this isn’t your neighborhood Indian joint, and you can try lunch if you’re cash-poor. And no, they don’t take reservations (except for parties of six in the private room), but if waiting makes you cranky, you can line up before they open (just like at Vij’s) or try, say, a Tuesday night. It’s worth it. (Shanik, 500 Terry Ave N, shanikrestaurant.com, $$–$$$) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Little Uncle in Pioneer Square

The extremely nice couple that runs Little Uncle has been dispensing exceptionally fresh, legitimately spicy, and fantastic Thai food from a pretty much literal hole-in-the-wall on Madison for a year and a half. Now they’ve also opened an actual restaurant, in the subterranean Pioneer Square space where Marcus’ Martini Heaven used to be. It’s lunch only right now, and it still has an under-construction look, but they are so nice and

their food is so good (and well-priced, $5.50 to $10.95), it’s just great to be here. Note that Thai food is perfect for hot weather, as is a cool basement room with old brick walls and Thai pop music playing. They’re super-busy between noon and one; come before or after, and you’ll probably have the run of the place. (Little Uncle, 88 Yesler Way, littleuncleseattle.com, Mon–Fri 11 am–3 pm, $–$$) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Morsel

CHEESY BISCUIT!

“Morsel” better describes the tiny space this cafe and restaurant inhabits in the U-District than the giant, cloudlike biscuits that are its specialty. The place feels like a neighbor’s kitchen. Morsel’s “Cheesy Biscuit” with roasted tomato jam is what garlic bread wishes it could be. Even if you’re an Americano person, try the cappuccino. Just try it. Made with local Velton’s Mexico Nayarita coffee and Twin Brook Creamery milk, its deliciousness towers above that of most coffee drinks, even in this land of high-quality coffee. There is also housemade bacon jam (!) and sandwiches, such as the popular “Spanish Fly,” with prosciutto, Manchego cheese, fried egg, arugula, and aioli. Morsel took over the space of the beloved Nook this spring, and the love continues on. (Morsel, 4754 University Way NE, facebook.com/souixchef, $) SARAH GALVIN

Essex

WHALES AND DRINKING The Essex is the name of the real-life ship that inspired the Pequod in Moby-Dick Essex in Ballard, open since last summer, is a charmingly small space with a marble bar and old-timey wallpaper with whales in the pattern. Here, the owners of adjoining (and great) Delancey make homemade Fernet, different bitters, their own version of Grand Marnier with blood orange and grapefruit, and charred liqueurs made from fruits, herbs, and spices roasted in the pizza oven. They

Every year since our first Seattle Plum location, Plum Café, opened we have held a customer appreciate BBQ on July 4th. We are so thankful for the community’s support and dedication throughout the years; we look forward to seeing you at this annual event.

(within reason)

July 4th, 2013 1pm – 6pm Plum Café: 324 15th Avenue East, Seattle, WA | Ph: (206) 325-6429 RSVP to sli@plumbistro.com

Shanik

also offer simple, tasty oven-roasted foods (not quite as tasty as the pizza you can get next door, but then very little is). Nothing here feels overdesigned or overthought; it’s just a lovely spot. (Essex, 1421 NW 70th St, essexbarseattle. com, $$) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Peddler Brewing Company

DRINKING AND BIKES

Parts of this bicycle-themed brewery, which opened this spring in Ballard, are actually made of bikes. There are brake-lever faucet handles in the bathroom, and the cement bar is inlaid with chain rings. There are tools, so patrons can work on their bikes socially while enjoying adult beverages, like Peddler’s exceptional Caramel ESB, rather than crouched in some spider-filled carport. Rudimentary bike stuff like tubes and patch kits are for sale. Even more exciting—a sampler tray of every beer they make is available for a very reasonable price, and the beers come in itsy-bitsy glasses suitable for stuffed-animal parties and pretending to be Godzilla. (Peddler Brewing Company, 1514 NW Leary Way, peddlerbrewing.com, $) SARAH GALVIN

Vessel

SCHMANCY COCKTAILS

Back in 2006, Vessel was the first place in town where each cocktail on the menu bore a date, a place of origin, and a composer. It was contemporary-swank, it was snobby about vodka, and it was good. The location near the Fifth Avenue Theater closed in 2010, but last summer, Vessel was reincarnated at Seventh and Olive (site of the original El Gaucho, from 1953 to 1985). Vessel’s bar is tended by Jim Romdell and a rotating cast of other local greats; the space is dark and luxe, with leather floor tiles in the entryway, matching leather coasters, and a laboratory for experiments with ice. The cocktail menu is less reverent now—you might find a fancy, superlative version of a grasshopper—but once again, as before, Vessel is an excellent place for an excellent drink. (Vessel, 624 Olive Way, vesselseattle.com, $$) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

La Toscanella

YUM The next time you’re hungry in South Lake Union, head over to La Toscanella. Open since last summer, the airy Italian cafe has a beautiful array of morning pastries (and outdoor seating on nice days) and also serves phenomenal egg skillets all day long—try the pear and Gorgonzola one! The very serious Italian

Peddler Brewing Company

La Toscanella

AL FRESCO DINING

Capoeira Males:

Capoeira combines the raw excitement of music, dancing, fighting, and gravity defying acrobatics. Capoeira does not focus on inflicting attacks upon an opponent, but rather it is a conversation between two individuals. Each move is responded to by a defensive move, an offensive move, or most often, a combination of both. This is what gives Capoeira its dance-like quality. Try us out for a month and you’ll be hungry for more! *Some restrictions apply.

One Month of Unlimited Classes ($50 Value) at Capoeira Males. Your Price: $25.

man behind the counter also makes great baked pasta dishes with pasta that’s made in-house every day. The summery Caprese sandwich is delicious, too, with buffalo mozzarella and homemade focaccia bread. And get dessert! You must! Their pastry case is one of the best in the city, filled with colorful fruit tarts, fat stacks of tiramisu, and various chocolate-drenched things. The best part: There’s rarely a line on weekend mornings, unlike some of their cramped neighbors. Go! (La Toscanella, 116 Westlake Ave N, facebook.com/la.toscanella, $) MEGAN SELING

The Blu Grouse

NONVIOLENT NACHOS Wraps and flatbread pizzas dominate the menu at this Georgetown restaurant and bar, which opened last year where the Tiger Lounge used to be. The Caprese wrap with buffalo mozzarella is the kind of sandwich you save half of because you never want to be done eating it. There are also “Bar Fight Nachos,” which the owner assures are nonviolent, and the intriguing “Grandma Mona’s Hamburger Soup.” The Blu Grouse is in an old house whose backyard has been turned into a patio and fire pit. It’s lovely place to have a beer on a warm night, or a Fireball shot, which are only $4 on Fridays. (The Blu Grouse, 412 S Orcas St, theblugrouse. com, $–$$) SARAH GALVIN

Le Zinc

FRENCHINESS Most folks associate Maximilien, located in a corner of the Pike Place Market, with its wooden sign shaped like a French officer pointing toward a hidden door.

Chico Madrid

KELLY O

If you go inside, which you should, they greet you in French (Bonjour! Bonsoir!), and they serve some of the plumpest mussels in town (from Penn Cove). The vantage from the upstairs is unbeatable: Elliott Bay, ferries, freight cranes, West Seattle, and the Olympics, all magnificent in summer and cozy in winter. Maximilien’s infant sibling, Le Zinc, opened like an hour ago on Capitol Hill—where Maximilien is traditional, Le Zinc is contemporary urban bistro, with a staff that’s even more visually stunning, ahem, than the decor. They serve mussels, too, but the kitchen has some kinks to work out (someone give those chefs a bowl of lemons). (Maximilien, 81 Pike St, maximilienrestaurant.com; Le Zinc, 1449 E Pine St, le-zn.com; $$)

DOMINIC HOLDEN

Chico Madrid

SPANISH

SANDWICHES Bocadillos are Spanishstyle sandwiches made on baguettes. Tiny, new Chico Madrid on the west slope of Capitol Hill has absolutely delicious ones; they use Columbia City ficelle with stuff like high-quality bonito tuna and little bits of salty-tart preserved lemon. The bocadillos are neither too big nor too small, and with a super-crisp romaine salad and a glass of icy sangria (Chico Madrid has a sangria machine!), they are ideal hot-weather eating. Also: plates of choose-your-own meats and cheeses, pickled vegetables, tortilla Espanola… I ate here every day for a week when they opened this spring, and I didn’t get anywhere close to tired of it. (Chico Madrid, 711 Bellevue Ave E, chicomadrid.com, $) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Bar Sajor

LOCAL/SEASONAL

MAGIC Bar Sajor (pronounced sigh-YOUR) is a new place in Pioneer Square brought to you by the great Matt Dillon (Sitka & Spruce, the Corson Building). The lovely, high-ceilinged space is right on cobblestoney Occidental Park (next to Temple Billiards for your poolshooting convenience), and it is particularly lovely (like all of Seattle) in summertime. The food—like all of Dillon’s, it is extremely local and seasonal—will be magical all year round, but you just can’t beat the foodstuffs of the Pacific Northwest over the next few months. Go to Bar Sajor and get some vegetables, the housemade yogurt, the chilled Dungeness crab with garlic mayonnaise, and a bottle of rosé, and it will be one of the best things you do all summer. (Bar Sajor, 323 Occidental Ave S, barsajor.com, $$–$$$) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Chow Events: SUGGESTS

VODKA ROCKS!

but keep your conscience (and your veggie burgers) clean? Plum Cafe offers vegans and vegetarians all-youcan-eat mini-burgers, salad, and mac and yease (which Stranger writer Megan Seling assures the skeptical is “delicious”), sans meat drippings. Plum Cafe, 324 15th Ave, 325-6429. $10. 1-6 pm.

MEET THE GUEST BREWER

Vodka! Hell’s Belles! Airstream trailer lounge! Circus party(?)! GOLDFISH RACE! Snoqualmie Casino , 37500 SE North Bend Way, Snoqualmie. snocasino.com. $19. 4:30 pm.

Mon 7/8

PLANES, TRAINS, AND TRAVELING CHEFS

On the first Thursday of every month, meet the maker of your tasty pint at the Pike Brewing Company. The guest brewer will create a special beer, which you may drink accompanied by the Atlas String Band. Pike Pub & Brewing Company , 1415 First Ave, 622-6044. pikebrewing.com. Free. 7:30-10 pm.

Fri–Sun 7/5–7/7

SEATTLE INTERNATIONAL BEERFEST 2013 “TASTE THE GREATEST BEERS YO U’VE NEVER HEARD OF”—hundreds of them, from a dozenplus countries, with food trucks and bands, too. If you love beer, you will be here. Fisher Pavilion , 305 Harrison St, Seattle Center, 685-7202. seattlebeerfest.com. $25 adv., $30 DOS.

Sat–Sun

7/6–7/7

CASCADE COUNTRY

COOK-OFF

Owner Dan Bugge and chef Shane Ryan of Matt’s in the Market host a series of dinners cooked by haute shite visiting chefs, including six courses with wine pairings. Tonight: Rob Newton of Seersucker in Brooklyn. Matt’s in the Market , 94 Pike St, 4677909. mattsinthemarket.com. Call to inquire about price. 6 pm.

Ongoing

TOUR DE FRANCE

Francophiles, bikers, and crash junkies unite!

Televisions in bars across town are showing the Tour de France. Two favorites: Cafe Presse (Seattle’s lovely French cafeteria) broadcasts live stages at 7 a.m., with afternoon rebroadcasts throughout the week (when available). And the Summit Public House (the most neighborhoody of neighborhood bars) shows afternoon rebroadcasts; arrive early and don’t block the TVs, because the Summit fills up quickly with serious fans. Across Town . Jun 29-Jul 21.

MIMOSAS WITH MAMA 2.0

Field trip! It’s the Cascade Country Cook-Off, with championship competitions in the arenas of barbecue, chili, and Dutch oven. Stan Hedwall Park , 1501 Rice Road, Chehalis, 360-748-6836. cascadecookoff.com.

Sun 7/7

CHERRY PIE BAKE-OFF

Do you make the best cherry pie ever? Put your pie where your mouth is, and you could walk away with prizes and untold glory. Edible Seattle’s Jill Lightner, Naomi Bishop of Serious Eats, and The Stranger ’s own Megan Seling will judge righteously. High 5 Pie, 1400 12th Ave, 695-2284. high5pie.blogspot.com. 1 pm.

COOKING WITH JIM DROHMAN Join chef Jim Drohman (Le Pichet, Cafe Presse) for a class on Nicoise cooking. Jim Drohman is great, and we should all be lucky enough to learn to cook a thing from him. The Kitchen at Mallet , 2700 4th Ave S Suite C. jimdrohman.com. $125. 1-4 pm; also Wed Jul 10, 6:30-9:30 pm.

The demise of the Broadway Grill cannot stop drag diva Mama Tits from hosting this brunch buffet with the titular mimosas and a drag cabaret to go along with! Now find her/them/it every Sunday at the (very festive) Narwhal, in the basement of the Unicorn. Narwhal, 1118 E Pike St, 325-6492. $12 adv/$15 DOS, 21+. Sun at 1 pm.

BIG BOTTLE MONDAYS

Throughout the summer, Quinn’s offers all of their large-format bottles of beer for half-price on Monday nights. Starred (and very much so) for beer lovers! Quinn’s , 1001 E Pike St, 325-7711. quinnspubseattle.com. Mon thru summertime.

TWO-DOLLAR

TUESDAYS

In observance of National Ice Cream Month, Cupcake Royale offers single scoops of their ice cream for just $2 every Tuesday in July, at last making a National [thing] Month meaningful. Across Town . cupcakeroyale. com. $2. Tues through Jul 30.

MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. SEND EVENT INFO TO: chow@thestranger.com

calendar online.

MUSIC

Robbed!

Bands Get Ripped Off All the Time, So Why Doesn’t Anyone Have Insurance?

BY MEGAN SELING

Let’s talk about insurance. Wait! Don’t leave! I know that insurance is one of the least rock ’n’ roll things to discuss, and it conjures up images of an annoying woman in bright-red lipstick

named Flo, but if you’re a musician—whether your art is a career or a hobby—insuring your gear should be just as important as always having spare cables on hand.

Just ask local folk rockers Ivan & Alyosha. Earlier this month, the band’s van and trailer—which held an estimated $40,000 worth of guitars, amplifiers, drums, pedals, and more—were stolen while the Seattle four-piece was on tour in Atlanta. The van was later found, thanks to the vehicle’s GPS system, but everything else was long gone. Singer Tim Wilson confirmed via e-mail that most of the stolen items were not insured, and I&A were only able to continue their tour thanks to donations from Amazon, Rhapsody, Dualtone Music (their record label), and fans, by way of a PledgeMusic.com campaign.

In April, another local musician, Kris Orlowski, thought his gear would be safe in his locked van parked on Queen Anne. It was not. He says that somewhere around $6,000 worth of instruments, cables, and pedals were swiped. Orlowski didn’t have insurance either, and to make matters worse, one of the items taken—a keyboard worth $3,000—wasn’t even his. He was holding it for a friend. Ugh. There’s a sort of happy ending to this one, though. Orlowski passed around the list of missing gear via social media and music blogs, and thankfully a pawn shop employee recognized the items. Orlowski was able to buy back almost all his stolen gear for about $500. He’s since gotten insurance (“It was a big learning experience for me,” he says), and shortly after the robbery, he hosted a

benefit show with Allen Stone, John Roderick, Shelby Earl, and others. The concert was originally intended to help him replace the stolen items, but instead he was able to donate all the proceeds ($3,600!) to MusiCares.

If you’re a music maker, and you haven’t stopped reading at this point to go research and purchase insurance for your stuff, you are insane. Or rich.

These aren’t freak incidents—this happens all the time. In 2011, Portland band

In the 15 minutes he was gone, someone broke in and took about $10,000 worth of cameras, laptops, and hard drives.

Portugal. the Man had their van, trailer, instruments, and merchandise taken after playing Lollapalooza in Chicago. That same year, the Lumineers had many of their instruments stolen in Los Angeles while they were on tour. In March, someone took Mark Pickerel’s 1960s Washburn Prairie Song guitar out of his car while it was parked on Market Street in Ballard. In April, Seattle Rock Orchestra founder Scott Teske had a couple treasured upright basses— including one that’s 150 years old!—taken from his home (they have since been returned, thankfully). BUT SERIOUSLY, NO GUITAR IS SAFE.

Still, instrument insurance is something that so many musicians don’t have. After polling a dozen of my musical friends, I learned only two had insurance for their gear—one was in a band with a business manager who took care of it for them, and the other only had insurance after having been robbed in the past. The most common excuse for not having it: “I’ve been meaning to get it, but I keep forgetting,” followed by “I don’t think I can afford it.” But musician’s insurance is more affordable than you might think, especially when you weigh it against the cost of what would happen if all your shit was swiped.

Clyde Petersen, singer of Your Heart Breaks and director of great music videos, says MusicPro is a great place to start, but he, too, had to learn the importance of insurance in a very costly way.

A few years ago, Petersen had just moved into a new house near Ross Park. He went to the grocery store, and in that 15 minutes he was gone, someone broke in and took about $10,000 worth of cameras, laptops, and hard drives. His neighbors were also robbed.

“I didn’t have insurance at the time, which is so ridiculous, since I had been tourmanaging bands for years, hounding them to get insurance and making sure their gear was covered,” he says. “Getting insurance was something I kept putting off until it was too late.”

Friends rallied and organized a benefit show, so Petersen, who makes music videos for a living, was able to at least replace the stolen laptop. But he says it’s still taken a long time to financially recover from the hit. His stolen DSLR camera was insured through MusicPro, via another band, and now he insures all of his equipment through the company.

“I felt very pleased with the service,” Petersen says, “and I received a check very quickly. Once you get your inventory into the site, it’s easy to adjust and make changes to it. Practically speaking, they do good work. In a world where insurance companies feel like a scam, this is a company that I am actually glad exists.”

Orlowski also works with MusicPro now, and praised them for their affordability and the fact that you can adjust how and where you’re using the instruments, to ensure that you’re covered at home, on the road, at your practice space—wherever.

So what are you waiting for? Go get insurance! Check out MusicPro (musicpro insurance.com), Heritage (musicins.com), and Clarion (clarionins.com) to start. Ask your musically inclined colleagues who they work with (assuming they have it), and spend an afternoon making a detailed inventory of your gear, including serial numbers and photos. It might also be wise to check out online instrument registries like GearTrack (gear-track.com) and Screaming Stone (screamingstone.com), which will help you spread the word should any of your stuff go missing.

Of course, you could just not insure your shit, assume it won’t happen to you, and then be left humbly asking friends and fans to give you $50 in exchange for a “phone call from the road,” but whatever.

Now if only we could get musicians some affordable health insurance…

Comment on this story at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

WHAT'S CRAPPENING?

AND QUEERS BY AMANDA BYNES

• In one of the weirder shows to hit Seattle in a while, indietronica pop-maker Grimes played a free, Absolut Vodka–sponsored show at the Paramount. Guests were invited to RSVP online, and vaguely warned about a “dress-to-impress” dress code, to which Seattle replied “PFFFFFFF” and went anyway. The scene was surreal: “glamorous” makeup stations, tall models, and meatballs, with the sound of periodically shattering champagne glasses and obnoxious DJs asking if the crowd was “READY.” Apparently the acoustics were not so hot, though Grimes gave it her best and threw down wicked interpretive dance moves for the dazed/confused audience.

• In anticipation of their 25th anniversary Silver Jubilee (a day of FREE music and fun on July 13), Sub Pop’s revived Mega Mart pop-up record shop celebrated a “hard opening” on Friday with beer, doughnuts, and DJs Sharlese and Troy from KEXP. The temporary shop is located in Georgetown and offers lots of records, T-shirts, stickers, gumballs, and other SP paraphernalia, PLUS it’s currently home to an awesome wall of artwork showcasing photos, faxes, handwritten notes, and other scraps from the label’s history.

• Jason Holstrom, of long-dormant disco-pop lovelies United State of Electronica (aka U.S.E), has been working on an electronic solo project called Tonight’s Sky… for years now. He’s a perfectionist’s perfectionist, so the album will probably be worth the wait. Also, Holstrom says U.S.E haven’t been working on anything and he’s not sure when they’ll enter the studio again. Patience!

• Wildrose’s outdoor “Bush Gardens” Pride party was the place to sweat it out to local bands on Saturday. The electro-dance pop of Glitterbang impressed with neon capes, synchronized booty-poppin’ dancers, and the soaring voice of one Nicki Danger. Closing the festivities were Don’t Talk to the Cops!, who brought the already dangerously high level of good vibes up even further with a tight set and brand-new hits.

• Light in the Attic Records threw a party last Saturday to celebrate the excellent reissue label’s recent move to a big-ass warehouse space in Ballard. (Don’t call it “The House that Searching for Sugar Man Built,” please.) The shindig was record-nerd paradise as local dealers set up bins of wax to sell and LITA discounted the titles on its towering shelves. DJ Supreme La Rock/ LITA employee Jon Treneff spun hot cuts, and Gold Leaves, No Grave, and Thee Midnight Creep played live. Congrats, LITA, on your well-deserved success.

• Blame the Kidz Bop version of “Thrift Shop,” or blame those jerks who are trying to put a national spotlight on OUR MUSIC, but Macklemore & Ryan Lewis sold out their December 12 homecoming show at KeyArena a mere 15 minutes after tickets went on sale last Friday. KeyArena has added a December 11 show for the slower mouse-clickers out there.

Wildrose Pride 2013

KRIS ORLOWSKI Insured his gear after learning the hard way.

KELLY O

JENNY JIMENEZ

MY PHILOSOPHY

MAC MILLER, J. COLE, DJ MUSTARD, HAVI

So you’ve gotten over Yeezus, or at least gotten over talking about Yeezus. Same. What to slap now? Weeell, there’s the mellow boom-bap and left-field weirdity of LA MC zeroh and his Bred release, or Yessir Whatever, the new collection of odds and ends from the always-entertaining Quasimoto Mac Miller’s dope Watching Movies with the Sound Off (featuring cats like Flying Lotus, Earl Sweatshirt, and Ab-Soul) is making surprised new fans out of his former haters, self included. Even still, hearing somebody rap about fentanyl is unnerving—get off that brush. That said, Freddie Gibbs’s ESGN will satisfy your cravings for the finest in gangsta shit. There’s also an ignorantly aggressive new song from Future called “Shit,” and if you do fuck with his Auto-Tuned voice-crack, you’ll love the newest cats from 1017 Brick Squad—the duo known as the Migos, who made a tawdry splash with their YRN tape and the brilliant stupidity of their flu-catchy song “Versace.” Maybe you hate “Versace” and the BasedGod’s latest scripture, 100% Gutta, too, and post on social media wondering “when real hiphop/music is coming back,” while you actively watch 106th & Park, browse WorldStarHipHop, and argue with people in real life about their level of anticipation for Jay-Z’s next album. Don’t despair: J. Cole’s Born Sinner album was made just for you. Now, I actually don’t mind Cole—unlike Wale, the Patron Saint of Rewarded Mediocrity—however, Cole’s album does sport a beat from the OG Jake One, so feel free to pay for it. You should also be up on that Ketchup tape from LA’s “ratchet music” architect DJ Mustard, as a couple songs feature Seattle’s ace Royce the Choice, who easily steals the show on the album’s closer, “Midnight Run.” Maybe you’re the kind of listener who can appreciate all these facets of the ever-expanding hiphop continuum, plus more. If so, say hi the next time you see me in the wind, ’cause you’re my kind of folks

Now let’s have some focus somewhat closer to home—well, Tacoma, at least. You might remember me talking up Havi, who made an impression off the top as part of the group the Realest. His Purple & Gold mixtape, though it drew little press (even though that tape’s titular “Black & Yellow” cover made it into daytime KUBE play), was a release way more thorough and assured than it had any reason to be. His new album, Self Portrait, is no different and should rightfully be gaining him fans up and down this coast and beyond. Havi’s lyrics and flow, voice (he employs singing quite a bit), and production (courtesy hisdamnself) are all pro. His content is of the inspirational/self-examining everyman variety, though far more soulfully served than the average practitioner. He lets beats breathe, and his narratives display a rock-solid—if sometimes conservative—perspective that imbues his stories of relationships and selfdetermination with some rare emotional subtlety. Havi’s Portrait is worth your support simply off the strength of “I’m on It,” an anthem that stomps mud holes between counties Pierce and King. Break!

TAKE WARNING PRESENTS

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/TAKEWARNINGPRESENTS

TWITTER @TAKEWARNINGSEA

SUNDAY JULY 14 @ SUNSET TAVERN DAVE HILLYARD & THE ROCKSTEADY 7

GEORGETOWN ORBITS 21+ ONLY - 8:00 PM TICKETS @ STRANGERTICKETS.COM

SATURDAY JULY 20 @ VERA PROJECT JOYCE MANOR

MERRY CHRISTMAS, THE EXQUISITES, W/ GUESTS ALL AGES - 7:30 PM TICKETS @ TICKETFLY.COM

SATURDAY JULY 20TH @ THE SUNSET THE

STEVE LEMME AND KEVIN HEFFERNAN FROM BROKEN LIZARD 21+ ONLY 8:30 PM DOORS TICKETS @ STRANGERTICKETS.COM

RED LIQUID

BIG BLACK CLOUD, DRUNK DAD, GANG CULT $5

NO SLEEP: JULY 4TH DANCE PARTY

AIRPORT, YOURYOUNGBODY, LEATHERDADDY, IMPERIALS $6

IT’S SHOTTY

ALEXANDRA & THE STARLIGHT BAND AND ZACHARY JAMES & THE ALL SEEING EYES, LOUD EYES $7 MATINEE: 4PM FRAUDULENCE

OOOOZ

BOAT

JOHN ATKINS, THE WOOLEN MEN, RON HEXAGO $8 HANGOVER FLEA MARKET

2-6 PM FREE

MIA ZAPATA/GITS TRIBUTE : ALL PROCEEDS TO BENEFIT

SEVEN STAR WOMEN’S KUNG FU w/ ARTIFICIAL HYMEN, BUFFALOES, CHOSEN ENEMIES, CONNIPTION FITS, GREENRIVER THRILLERS, POWER SKELETON, THE TRIPLE SIXES , VILE DISPLAY OF HUMANITY, WEREBEARCAT!, WISCON $7 TAE PHOENIX(SEATTLE) DIRECT DIVIDE(SEATTLE), THE DAZZLING DOOMS(NYC) AND LUST FOR GLORY(SPOKANE) $6 SAM VICARI PAPER MACHETE MIKE SIMMONS $5

to book a show e-mail cometbooking @gmail.com

HIPHOP YA DON'T STOP

BY LARRY MIZELL JR.

COLBY PERRY (KEXP)

Havi

SOUND CHECK

DAVID BOWIE DON’T TALK TO THE COPS! FOURTH OF JULY COLUMN HIJACK

Hi. We’re Bles and Emecks from Don’t Talk to the Cops! Sometimes Trent plays drums for us. He went to King of the Hill grocery to get some chips, so we borrowed his computer for a minute. Trent had interviewed some band, or someone, or David Bowie, but it was all blah, blah, blah what’s it like to be so famous? And I married Iman. Sorry, Dave Bowie, we know you did “Ground Control Eats Major Tums” in outer space, and Labyrinth was pretty good—you looked snappy in the tight pants with the zucchini in there. We didn’t mean to delete your interview, but it’s the Fourth of July and we’re gonna go ahead and make this a Don’t Talk to the Cops! Firecracking Special. With safety and potato-chip tips.

Bles: Hey, Emecks, we’re on the radio!! I mean, we’re doing a column! Emecks: Yeah! What should we talk about?

I think David Bowie would like the BRAND-

NEW VIDEO for our song “Gimme That 80s Butt.” Off our new album, Champions of Breakfast, that’s already sold 12,351,000 copies. It’s Butt-tastic.

B: Yes. We had the honor of filming some of the flyest ladies in the land. Look for cameos from Robert Vaughn, Space Bieber, and Danny McBride. It was filmed on Tupac Island. Should we expose the myth of Tupac Island? E: Everyone already knows about the island Tupac bought when he faked his own death, and that he put out 17 albums after he died to build up the island as an oasis for other rappers who faked their own death, like Tim Dog, Eazy-E, and Kross from Kris Kross. Also, talking about ourselves is lame. It’s Fourth of July, let’s talk about fireworks!

B: Like that time somebody shot you in the chest with a Roman candle in Lincoln Park? E: Yeah, Cuba Gooding Jr. was there, screaming “Riiiiickyyy.” Safety tip #1: Aim Roman candles at the sky, not at your friends. Bles, remember that Fourth of July you made your dad’s secret barbecue sauce and smoked a joint with the president?

B: That’s tight. The president’s tight. Weed’s tight. Safety tip #2: Don’t light fireworks from the joint in your mouth. You’ll get fuse-burn. E: Trent needs to hurry up with our chips. We should have sent him to Canada to get All Dressed Ruffles. Those are the best chips. You don’t know what flavor they are, but they’re sooo good. They should call them Best Dressed.

E: So what kind of fireworks we got? B: Well, we have a few Rainbow Trouser Snakes, Mount Whistlers, Icy Ices, and Rambo Cannons. I got two Squealing Pigs.

And some Claude Van Damn Sons!, some Evening Glories, and my favorite, the Kid ’n Play with Fire—they explode into flattop fades.

E: Don’t forget those Pop, Lock & Drop-Its. B: And the Screamin’ Jay Hawkinses, the Piccolo Steves, the Rick Steves, the Flaming Lips, Flaming Nips, and Flaming Chips. Where the hell is Trent with our Flaming Lime Cheetos?

E: You mean flamin’ without the G. Flame IN. B: More like flamin’ YAWN.

E: Shouldn’t we be talking about something besides chips? B: Our country is 237 years old. We’re young.

E: And Twinkies are finally coming back. Twinkies are back! B: And “Michael Jordan’s 50,” JUST LIKE OUR SONG SAYS. Click it and lick it.

E: What kind of drinks do we have for our Fourth of July party? B: Strong Killings gave us a 300-pack of Strawberritas. Tacocat brought us gallons and gallons of Mike’s Hard Schnozzberry. I picked up some Bud Light Lime, and Wimps brought five Picante Chelada tall cans. They all go great with Twinkies and colorful explosions in the sky.

E: Isn’t Larry’s column around here? B: Yeah, it’s like a page over or something.

E: Hey, Larry. LARRY! LARRY!!!! Over here! What’s up??? B: I’m goin’ Adventure Time on him. Larry, “Look at a supermodel, look at a hover board, look at the apocalypse, someone got hit in the boingloings… Hit in the boingloings… Boingloings… Somebody got hit in them.”

E: He’s not answering. Fuck him. We’ll do his column next. His Philosophy is ignoring us. B: He’s the Kool DJ Red Alert of Seattle. We love you, Larry.

E: What Wu-Tang Clan song should we play when our fireworks are going off? B: “Wu-Tang Clan Ain’t Nuthing ta Fuck Wit.” It’s kind of like “The StarSpangled Banner.”

E: How do fireworks work? B: It’s all gunpowder and Fruity Pebbles cereal— there’s a pasteboard filled with the combustible sugary cereal. Billy Dee Williams was one of the early firework inventors, before he did Soul Train. Such rocket technology has also been used for the delivery of mail, true story, and it’s also used as propulsion for most model rockets.

E: I want to send my mail by fireworks. B: We call that one the Twizzling Pigeon. But seriously, kids, let’s be careful out there, lighting shit off this year. Everyone wear two pairs of goggles, maybe. And when you light things, run away from them fast.

E: That’s tight. Safety’s tight. Weed’s tight. B: Trent’s coming. Hit save. Shout-out to Laos! Don’t Talk to the Cops! Champions of Breakfast out now! Jlk$5jek**r^ (and now back to Trent’s regular scheduled programming…)

Thanks for talking, David Bowie. That Ziggy Stardust story was crazy, with the gyroscope and the mustard on the Afghan hound. I can’t believe you recorded a double album with the Ramones in 1981 and never told anyone until now! Say hello to Iman for me.

Click it and lick it at THESTRANGER.COM/MUSIC

OLIVER MTUKUDZI and the BLACK SPIRITS

TUE, JUL 9 - WED, JUL 10

91.3 KBCS welcomes - Zimbabwean afro-beat roots music against oppression

JOHN MAYALL

THU, JUL 11 - SUN, JUL 14

The Godfather of British Blues

THE

GRANDMOTHERS OF INVENTION

TUE, JUL 16 - WED, JUL 17

Performing Zappa’s landmark 1975 album, “One Size Fits All,” in its entirety, featuring pivotal musicians behind the Zappa legacy.

PONCHO SANCHEZ and his LATIN JAZZ BAND

THU, JUL 18 - SUN, JUL 21

Grammy-winning master conguero returns with his fiery brew of upbeat jazz, gritty soul and melodic rhythms.

HAZMAT MODINE

TUE, JUL 23 - WED, JUL 24

A New York septet that delivers rustic and joyful reggae, klezmer, rockabilly and gypsy-tinged music.

WEDNESDAY 7/3 2ND ANNUAL MCA TRIBUTE DANCE PARTY! 9:30PM • $5

THURSDAY 7/4

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

FRIDAY 7/5

THE TRIPWIRES

CUTE LEPERS • THE PYNNACLES 10PM • $8

SATURDAY 7/6

THE SUNSET RED XIII THE ART OF CASEY BROOKBUSH FEAT. THE CHASERS & FURNITURE GIRLS 10PM • $8

MONDAY 7/8

MARTHA! MOTHER

TUESDAY 7/9

BIGFOOT WALLACE & HIS WICKED SONS

Don't Talk to the Cops!

UP&COMING

L ose your hilarious R&B boy band every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 57 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 7/3

The Juan Maclean (DJ set), J-Justice, Introcut (Barboza) See Data Breaker, page 60.

2nd Annual MCA Tribute Dance Party (Sunset) Y’all know my love for the late, great Beastie Boy MCA is boundless; if you feel the same way, come celebrate! This MCA Tribute Dance Party includes DJs, costume contests, a raffle, and the everpopular “more.” It’s $5 to get in, and I can think of few other crowds in the history of time that I’d want to be in the middle of more than the people who would go to a midweek MCA-themed dance party in Ballard. The Facebook page points out that you don’t have the work the next day, and says, “If it’s gonna be that kinda party…” Awww, man! RIP, MCA. (Also, go look at the picture of a superyoung MCA on the Sunset’s website! You might cry.)

ANNA MINARD

Prince Rama, Ecstatic Cosmic Union, Dionvox (Rendezvous) It’s hard to imagine a pair of sisters in Brooklyn more far out than former Hare Krishna adherents Taraka and Nimai Larson of Prince Rama. After a couple of head-swirling, reverbed-to-heaven, tribal-gothadelic full-lengths (Shadow Temple and Trust Now), Prince Rama issued the dazzling concept album Top Ten Hits of the End of the World (all of these came out on Animal Collective’s Paw Tracks label). On Top Ten, Prince Rama assume the personas of 10 different imaginary pop groups that supposedly perished in the apocalypse. They pro-

ceed to imbue genres like Arabic pop, cosmic disco, glam rock, grunge, and new wave with a spectral pop spirit. It’s a unique idea that tweaks music’s nostalgic power, and it’s executed with brazen panache. DAVE SEGAL

The Body, Subservient Fuck, Cold Lake, Chronic Tomb (Black Lodge) It makes complete sense that the Body would sign to experimental-rock label Thrill Jockey. For a doom-metal band, the Portland duo of Chip King and Lee Buford come at the genre from some peculiar angles. My favorite track of theirs, “()”—try shouting for that one at the Black Lodge—combines dank-tomb drones with deathsentence riffs that repeatedly hit with punishing counterpunches for three minutes before a skittery funk rhythm incongruously enters the fray. As the song progresses, the riffs both intensify and decay, and the effect is both hypnotic and entropic. Or check the bizarre guitar tonality that tolls in “Worship.” Throughout their catalog, the Body harness their power intelligently to forge music that signifies doom metal without sounding hackneyed or juvenile. Their shelves surely groan with existentialist philosophy tomes. DAVE SEGAL

Red Liquid, Brain Drain, Drunk Dad, Big Black Cloud

(Comet) Jay Reatard (RIP) may have been the critics’ darling once he set out on his solo-artist path, but his viciously warped, Memphis-based band the Lost Sounds arguably had a more profound impact on the underground. Who else closed out the last century by combining hook-laden garage rock, synthdriven darkwave, and a flirtation with crust-punk

ferocity into a cohesive sound? In 1999, the Lost Sounds had no peers, but the vestiges of their style can be heard in bands like Big Black Cloud. The Portland-by-way-of-the-South trio mixes lo-fi proto-punk, sci-fi weirdness, and gnarly AmRep sludge into a cocktail that would satiate anyone thirsting for Mr. Reatard’s more abrasive and enigmatic early work. BRIAN COOK

Eric Burdon and the Animals, Ziggy Marley (Snoqualmie Casino) These old British garage-soul

warhorses played this casino two years ago. That gig must’ve gone well, even with rough-hewn, septuagenarian frontman Eric Burdon’s hamstrung voice. But when you have a catalog as rich with nostalgia-tickling classics like “Don’t Bring Me Down,” “Spill the Wine,” Sky Pilot,” “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood,” and “When I Was Young” (now way more poignant 46 years on from its release date), you can get by with tight chops and the leader’s accrued respect and charisma. (There are no other original Animals in the current lineup.)

DAVE SEGAL

Prince Rama Wednesday 7/3 at Rendezvous

MICHAEL COLLINS

Thursday 7/4

Airport, youryoungbody, Leatherdaddy, Imperials (Comet) See Data Breaker, page 60.

Heatsick, Lee Gamble, NHK’Koyxen, Phine Gage, Phaedrus (Electric Tea Garden) See Data Breaker, page 60.

Friday 7/5

Say Anything, Eisley, H RV RD, I the Mighty (Showbox at the Market) See Underage, page 61.

Gothic Tropic, Haunted Horses, Childbirth (Cairo) LA trio Gothic Tropic make compelling, brightly distorted pop/rock/psych/garage music (they’re all over the genre spectrum), with faraway tin-can vocals and instantly likable rambliness. Their four-song EP, Awesome Problems, has been in my ears since I found it recently, but I suspect it’s just a teardrop in Gothic Tropic’s ocean of coconut-flavored reverb. With Seattle’s Haunted Horses (dark space-angst duo) and Childbirth (a newish, hospital-gown-wearing supergroup anchored by the bleeding vocals of Chastity Belt’s Julia Shapiro).

EMILY NOKES

The West, Us on Roofs, Roaming Herds of Buffalo, Yonder (Neumos) Look, I don’t mean to complain, but I get 800,000 e-mails a day from people who are all “Listen to this, Megan!” But there are only 24 hours in a day, and sometimes a girl just wants to listen to Hop Along for three days straight, so it’s hard to get to everything in a timely manner, you know? The West is one of those bands who I’ve been shoving aside for far too long, despite friends and colleagues insisting I give ’em a listen. This is some good, summery dance music! It’s not breaking down any walls, but it re-energized me on a hectic Friday afternoon filled with deadlines. Their album,

In Low Light, is available for the low, low price of zero dollars at bandthewest.bandcamp.com. Grab it for the next time you need a midafternoon pickme-up. MEGAN SELING

Crypts, BLVCK CEILING, Keyboard Kid, Ozma Otacava (Chop Suey) Leave it to the folks at Actual Pain to bring together a bill consisting of several Washingtonians who excel in the dark electronic arts. Notoriously loved/hated local trio Crypts’ industrial “Wolf Eyes meets Christian Death” aggression is the headlining attraction here, but the supporting talent is worth showing up early for. BLVCK CEILING—a guy from Spokane named Dan Ocean—has enough ominous remixes, reworks, and original beats on his Bandcamp page to make up several sets’ worth of material (and excuse the overused witch-house-style glyphs in the song titles). Federal Way/#BASEDWORLD resident Keyboard Kid will likely be exploring the darkest Based in the Rain 666/Don’t Leave Basedworld chamber of his multifaceted production. Things should get weird. MIKE RAMOS

White Murder, Sioux City Pete & the Beggars, Murder in the Wood (2 Bit Saloon) Down in Pioneer Square, you’ve got your Murder in the Wood, and then you’ve got your White Murder, finally on the same bill. White Murder are a poppy rock quintet from LA with not one, but two lead singers who thrash the stage and sing in unison, their insistent and acidic voices blending into one. An online search didn’t actually yield any listening opportunities from Murder in the Wood, but Facebook tells me there are four people in this band and that their name is a reference to crows—not the gruesomeness that pops up when you Google such a name. With Seattle mainstays Sioux City Pete & the Beggars, who put the “mental” back in experimental with their raw, rotten blues/punk. EMILY NOKES

Rodrigo y Gabriela, Michael Franti & Spearhead

(Chateau Ste. Michelle) It’s a good thing Rodrigo y Gabriela don’t play electric guitars, because acoustic axes are less likely to burst wine bottles and

shatter champagne flutes at this winery gig. The duo, who were both born and raised in Mexico, cut their teeth busking on the streets of Dublin, and then summarily took Europe by storm with their amalgamation of flamenco, metal, and just about any genre one could execute on a guitar, really. Rodrigo y Gabriela make up for the lack of electricity with a particularly dexterous and percussive manner of guitar implementation. Still, they’re able to meter things back when producers request their work for films like Pirates of the Caribbean and Puss in Boots. As Dave Segal has advised in these pages before, check their reworking of “Stairway to Heaven”; you won’t believe your ears. GRANT BRISSEY

Robert Randolph & the Family Band (Neptune) Anointed by Rolling Stone as one of the 100 greatest guitarists of all time, Robert Randolph is an incredibly fluid and inspired pedal steel player in the funk and soul idioms. (No shots at Randolph, but Rolling Stone goofed by excluding Sonny Sharrock and dozens of others from its pantheon. But I digress.) Randolph and his Family Band are supporting the new Blue Note LP, Lickety Split, and it’s a straight-up party album. Randolph may be a master of technique and feeling (he got his start playing pedal steel in the House of God Church), but those qualities are put in service to facilitating good times, not to giving chubbies to Guitar World readers. The flamboyant cover of Ohio Players’ 1975 hit “Love Rollercoaster,” for one, sees to that.

DAVE SEGAL

Saturday 7/6

Fox and the Law, Atomic Bride, Erik Blood (Chop Suey) Seattle’s Fox and the Law sound a wee bit like the Night Beats, if this blues-garage-psych band had a younger, rowdier little brother with crunchier guitar riffs. Also like the Night Beats— who are A+ amazing and just plain HUGE in places like Austin, Texas, and Europe (but not quite so revered in their Seattle home base)—Fox and the Law aren’t getting nearly enough local love. They’re

Sunday 7/7

Bob Log III (Crocodile) See Stranger Suggests, page 36.

Pat Benatar, Neil Giraldo, Berlin featuring Terri Nunn (Chateau Ste. Michelle) This show sparked one of the funniest, stupidest conversations I’ve had in a long time. One of my best friends was asking me, in a loud bar, if I wanted to go see this lineup. Except

7.5 Friday (DJ Dance Party) BANGERS & MASH feat DJ Leopold Bloom + DJ Swervewon + DJ Court spinning

7.6 Saturday (Bluegrass/Newgrass) Nectar & The PBJ Present:

PARTY feat POLECAT The Giraffe Dodgers w/ ALLIE KRAL (of Cornmeal), Betty and the Boy $7 adv / $10 dos, 7pm doors, 8:30pm show, 21+

7.7 Sunday (Hip Hop/Dub/Electronic) MEDIUM TROY B. Durazzo, J. Battle, IG88 $6adv, $8 Doors, 8pm, 21+

7.10 Wednesday (Hip Hop/Funk/Electronica) SCI-FI SWAG POP INVASION feat: Masta X-Kid, Tre Angle, ThriveAlike (feat. Nichole Halleen), Tony Ozier & The Doo Doo Funk All Stars, Elefaders, Landon Wordswell & Tim Hoke, DJ Zeta $7 adv / $10 dos, 7pm doors 8pm show, 21+ 7/11 Chicago Afrobeat Project, more 7/12 THE MOTET & Polyrhythmics

THE NEW FUTURES

Jessica Hernandez & the Deltas, The Duke Evers Band All Ages

TIMOTHY ROBERT GRAHAM Pigeon, A Leaf All Ages

BOB LOG III

Lonesome Shack Lonebird 21+

JULY SORNE 21+

JULY THE CRYING SPELL

Ghost Town Riot, Furniture Girls, Morning Prayers, LiMB LIFTR All Ages

GRAYSKUL RA SCION

TUESDAY LIQUID COURAGE KARAOKE 7/13

NEIL HAMBURGER TIM HEIDECKER (OF TIM & ERIC’S AWESOME SHOW) 21+

Continental Soldiers, Clutch Douglas, DJ Phil Anthony 21+

Thursday July 25th THE BIG 3 Wednesday July 31st MIKE STUD Saturday August 24th STONES THROW

PASSENGER 7/19 JUSTIN

TIN 7/20 DESSA 7/23 HEARTLESS BASTARDS 7/25 THE BIG 3 W/ SPAC3MAN, ILLCHRIS, LOUIS V 7/26 WINDOWPANE 7/27 NITE WAVE 7/31 MIKE STUD 8/1 LIGHTNING DUST 8/5 KEYBOARD KID, BLKHRTS 8/6 PRIVATE PARTY 8/9 THE GOOD HURT 8/15 GOOD MEN AND THOROUGH 8/16 SMITH WESTERNS 8/17 ONE DROP 8/18 PIANO PIANO, SLOW BIRD 8/23 SOULS OF MISCHIEF 8/24 NEAL BRENNAN 8/24 STONES THROW SOUL TOUR W/ PEANUT BUTTER WOLF, DAM-FUNK, THE STEPKIDS, MYRON & E 8/25 ALYSE BLACK 8/29 GREGORY ALAN ISAKOV 9/3 MURDER BY DEATH 9/5 POOLSIDE 9/7 PREFUSE 73 9/10 TYPHOON 9/26 DB FEST: RESIDENT ADVISOR SHOWCASE FEAT ACTRESS 10/5 TOM ODELL 10/16 LEGENDARY PINK DOTS

she kept saying, “Do you want to go see Pat Benatar ’n’ Berlin?” I said, “Man, I’ve always LOVED Pat Benatar, but I don’t think I can afford THAT!” She was like, “Sure you can.” And I said, “Isn’t it expensive to fly there? I mean, Benatar’s great and all, but…” It took at least 15 minutes for my friend to realize I thought she was asking me to go see a concert in Berlin. Sweet Jesus. Anyway, Chateau Ste. Michelle is a lovely venue, and it’s not far away at all. I will be there—and trying NOT to talk during the show—more like my one of my favorite ’80s Berlin songs, “No More Words.” KELLY O

A Tribute to the Gits’ Mia Zapata: Werebearcat!, Vile Display of Humanity, Greenriver Thrillers (Comet) Twenty years ago, Mia Zapata, frontwoman of the awesome and righteous punk band the Gits, was beaten, raped, and strangled after leaving the Comet Tavern. Tonight, local bands and musicians—including Christina Cramer of In Cahoots, Werebearcat!, Vile Display of Humanity, Greenriver Thrillers, and more—gather to celebrate her life by covering some of their favorite Gits songs. To further honor Zapata, the $7 cover charge will be donated to Seven Star Women’s Kung Fu in the Central District, which teaches martial arts and selfdefense to women 13 and older. They offer classes on a sliding-scale basis, and also have scholarships available—check out their schedule at sevenstarwomenskungfu.org, because every woman should be able to get home safely.

MEGAN SELING

Jaill, Cosmonauts, Dude York, Chastity Belt

(Heartland) You’ve surely noticed that the Heartland gallery has been ruling it with their consistently great and interesting musical offerings—mixing rad local talent and out-of-town gems—and this show is no exception. In town are Jaill, an upbeat, indie power-pop band from Milwaukee. Jaill’s singer, Vincent Kircher, croons in my favorite kind of boy voice—high and airy with sunny nerdiness (think the dBs or Terrordactyls)—which manages to complement lyrics that are actually about cloudy subjects like depression and breakups. Yay! With excellent up-and-comers (and Walla Walla trans-

plants) Chastity Belt and Dude York, plus the dazed surf rock of Fullerton’s Cosmonauts. EMILY NOKES

Stackpole, Vunt Foom, Hal Merrill Quartet

(White Rabbit) This Zero-G concert serves as a reunion for Stackpole, the jazz quartet who have been called “Seattle’s Last Exit”—although saxophonist Wally Shoup thinks they’re closer in sound to Miles Davis’s electric-period groups. Either way, you can’t lose, really, and this is big news for local aficionados of fiery, outward-bound jazz. Shoup, guitarist Dennis Rea, drummer Gregg Keplinger, and bassist Geoff Harper are masterly improvisers who revel in surprising dynamics, ranging from tense arabesques of quiet beauty to disciplined, strident chaos with many stops in between. Of the reunion, Shoup says, “We’ll be doing what we did 15 years ago, but better!” Stackpole’s first gig in over a decade is free—both monetarily and aesthetically. DAVE SEGAL

Monday 7/8

Still recovering from Sunday’s Huey Lewis & the News show, eh?

Tuesday 7/9

New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, Boyz II Men

(Tacoma Dome) I am this paper’s number-one appreciator of ’90s nostalgia—okay, I might have to fight Emily Nokes for it—and I have also recently gone to a ridiculously ’90s concert out of town, which included Boyz II Men. They wore matching white suits, I kid you not. I am so, so, so glad I went; back when I bought my first Boyz II Men CD, I would never have gone to a concert. Now that I make my own money and have my own transportation, I’m gonna see the shit out of every outdated-but-still-going-strong ’90s artist I can find. Why the fuck not? This hilarious R&B boy band party cannot go wrong. Be prepared for the outfits, y’all!

ANNA MINARD

A CRUCIAL TANG OF ODDNESS

Eric Burdon & the Animals, 7 pm a STUDIO SEVEN Sleep for Dreaming, Radio Drive By, Meteor vs. Dinosaur, Beneath the Spin Light, guests, 7 pm, $10/$12

TRACTOR TAVERN

Honey.Moon.Tree, Intisaar Jubran, Maiah Manser, $6 VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Jason Parker Quartet

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Reverb: DJ Rome, Rozzville, Zooty B, Antartic

CONOR BYRNE Broomdust Blues Jam, free

EGAN’S JAM HOUSE Aubrey Logan, $15

a EL CORAZON Bret Mosley, Timmy Tombstone, $8/$10; Jupiter, Letters, Simple Gravity, Eclectic, 8 pm, $8/$10

FOUNDATION Protohype, Kennedy Jones, free

a MARYMOOR PARK Victoria Justice, 6:30 pm, $39.50-$49.50

NECTAR Elzhi, Luke Rain, Black Magic Noize, Task1ne, Spends Quality, Tai the 13th, Ro Knew, $8

NEW ORLEANS Legacy Band, Clarence Acox

PINK DOOR Casey MacGill

& the Blue 4 Trio, 8 pm

RENDEZVOUS Prince Rama, Ecstatic Cosmic Union, Dionvox, $7

SEAMONSTER Rippin Chicken, 10 pm, free SNOQUALMIE CASINO

BARBOZA The Juan Maclean (DJ set), J-Justice, Introcut, 8 pm, $13

CONTOUR Rotation: Guests, 10 pm, $5

THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests

HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1

LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe

Wednesday: Jame$Ervin, DT, Contagious

LAVA LOUNGE Mod Fuck Explosion: DJ Deutscher Meister

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8 SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

SUNSET TAVERN 2nd

Annual MCA Tribute Dance Party: Guests, $5

THURS 7/4

LIVE AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

CAN CAN Vince Mira

COMET No Sleep Presents July 4th Dance Party: Airport, YourYoungBody, Leatherdaddy, Imperials, $6 DISTRICT LOUNGE Cassia

DeMayo Quintet, 8 pm, free LUCID The Hang: Caffeine, 9:30 pm, free PINK DOOR Bric-a-Brac, 8 pm

SCARLET TREE How Now Brown Cow 9:30 pm, free VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Casey MacGill, 5:30 pm, free

THE WHITE RABBIT Marmalade, $6 DJ

BALLROOM DJ Rob, free CAPITOL CLUB Citrus: DJ Skiddle CONTOUR Bottom Heavy: Covert Ops, guests, 10 pm, free

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

HAVANA Sophisticated Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty

LAST SUPPER CLUB Open House: Guests

LAVA LOUNGE Rock DJs: Guests LO-FI Noctum Caro: Guests

MOE BAR Chuch: Phospho, Mars One, Sosal, free

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

OHANA Chill: DJ MS SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Damn Son: DJ Flave, Sativa Sound System, Jameson Just, Tony Goods, $5 after 10:30 pm

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE 4th of July Wing Ding: DJ Hubba Hubba, guests, 5 pm

THERAPY LOUNGE

DUH.: DJ Omar, guests

TRINITY Space Thursdays: Rise Over Run, DJ Christyle, Johnny Fever, DJ Nicon, Sean Majors, B Geezy, guests, free

FRI 7/5

LIVE 2 BIT SALOON White Murder, Sioux City Pete & the Beggars, Murder in the Wood

AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

a BALLARD ODD

FELLOWS LODGE Arijit Mahalanabis, 7:30 pm, $8/$10

BLUE MOON TAVERN Turkuaz, 9:30 pm, $6

CAFE RACER Rafferty’s List, Free a CAIRO Gothic

Tropic, Haunted Horses Childbirth, 8:30 pm, $5

a CHATEAU STE.

MICHELLE Rodrigo Y Gabriela, Michael Franti & Spearhead, 6 pm, $59.20$81

CHOP SUEY Crypts, BLVCK CEILING, Keyboard

Kid, Ozma Otacava, $7

COLUMBIA CITY

THEATER The Paperboys, BLVD Park , 8 pm, $17/$20

COMET Shotty , Alexandra and the Starlight Band, Zachary Jame and the All Seeing Eyes, Loud Eyes, $6

CONOR BYRNE Kate-Lynne Logan, $7

a CROCODILE The New Futures, Jessica Hernandez & the Deltas, 8 pm, $10

DARRELL’S TAVERN The Dolly Rottens, Guessing Game, Comedy of Terrors, $7

a EL CORAZON The World

MARK STONER

SUBMISSION OF THE WEEK:

GAY PRIDE PARADE EDITION

This photo was submitted with a simple and direct message: “UP YOURS, MARK DRISCOLL!!!” Rah-haaaa! And happy Pride 2013 to everyone else. It’s been a very good year. KELLY O

TUESDAY, JULY 16TH THE SUNSET PRESENTS SHUGO TOKUMARU with TARA JANE O’NEIL $12 / 8PM DOORS / 21+

NOW AVAILABLE ON

COMING UP: 7/23 The Cat Empire • 7/24

Chelsea Wolfe • 9/28 Joan of Arc • 10/16 Tony Lucca

Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No

Longer Afraid to Die, guests, 8 pm, $10/$12

FOUNDATION Opulent

Temple’s Sacred Dance White Party, free FUSION Kill the Bats, Holly Rollers, Clank. , 8 pm, $5/$7

HARD ROCK CAFE

IMPORT/EXPORT, $10/$13, Jacob Cummings, 5 pm, free a HEARTLAND Slashed Tires Japanese Guy, Pets, 8 pm, Free

HEARTLAND CAFE & BENBOW ROOM Stained by a Killer, Commonly Courteous, Crown Row, $5

HIGH DIVE The Bog Hoppers, Jip Sea Party, Hoist the Colors, 9:30 pm, $8

HIGHLINE Lowmen

Markos, You.May.Die.In.the. Desert , Panther Attack , $5

HIGHWAY 99 SmoKing Bill 8 pm, $12

THE MIX Fox Hunt, Dunning-Kruger Effect, Elbow Coulee , Everyday Weekend, $8

NEPTUNE THEATER

Robert Randolph & the Family Band, $25

NEUMOS The West , Us on Roofs , Roaming Herds of Buffalo, Yonder, 8 pm, $8

PARAGON Levi Said, free

RAVIOLI STATION

TRAINWRECK Dizzy, guests

RENDEZVOUS Paul Lynde Fan Club, Low Land High, 10:30 pm

a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 5:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free

a SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Say Anything, Eisley, H RV RD, I the Mighty, 7:30 pm, $17/$20

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Knut Bell & the Blue Collars, 3 pm, $7

a ST. MARK’S CATHEDRAL

Alan DePuy, 7:30 pm, $12/$18

SUNSET TAVERN The Tripwires, Cute Lepers , the Pynnacles, $8

TIM’S TAVERN Swamp Dogs, Free

TRACTOR TAVERN Molasses, the Braxmatics, the Fabulous Party Boys 9:30

pm, $8

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The James Band, 9:30 pm, free

THE WHITE RABBIT Screens, Hondo II, Weener

DJ

95 SLIDE DJ Fever One

BALLROOM DJ Tamm of KISS fm

BALMAR Body Movin’ Fridays: DJ Ben Meadow, free

BALTIC ROOM Bump

Fridays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Just Got Paid:

100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm

CAPITOL CLUB Blackout!: DJ Potatoes O’Brien, DJ Homonegro, 10 pm, free

CONTOUR Afterhours, 2 am

CUFF C&W Dancing: DJ

Harmonix, DJ Stacey, 7 pm; TGIF: Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Heatsick, Lee Gamble, NHK’Koyxen, Phine Gage

FUEL DJ Headache, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB

Madness: Guests

LAVA LOUNGE DJ David

James

LO-FI DUG: Guest DJs, $7

NECTAR Bangers and Mash: DJ Court, DJ Leopold Bloom, DJ Swervewon, guests, free

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

OHANA Back to the Day:

DJ Estylz

PONY Beefcake: Beefcake:

DJ Jack, Freddy King of Pants: DJ Jack, King of Pants

RE-BAR HOTWIRED!: Chiyona Dang, Chloe Harris vs. Miss Shelrawka, Osiris&Enoch, guests

SCARLET TREE Oh So Fresh Fridays: Deejay Tone, DJ

Buttnaked, guests

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Crush: Guest DJs, free

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, DJ Nug, guests, $10

THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs

WED 7/3 & FRI–SAT 7/5–6

FREEDOM FANTASIA

SAT 7/6

LIVE 2 BIT SALOON DJ Houllahan, Midnight Idols , Noel Austin’s Phreaks, 8 pm, $6

AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

a BALLARD ODD FELLOWS

LODGE Jody Stecher, 7:30 pm, $12/$15

BARBOZA Gentlemen Hall, 7 pm, $10

BLUE MOON TAVERN Mitts, Koda Sequoia, Craig Salt Peters, Heavy Petting, 9:30 pm, $6 a CHATEAU STE.

MICHELLE Robert Plant & Sensational Space Shifters, guests, 5 pm, $63.85-$91.45

CHOP SUEY The Fox and the Law, Atomic Bride , Erik Blood, Creepoid, $7

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Dutch Hare, Gabriel Mintz, Gavin Guss , 8 pm, $6/$8

COMET BOAT , John Atkins, the Woolen Men, Ron Hexagon

CONOR BYRNE Golden Robot Army , $10

CROCODILE Timothy Robert Graham, Pigeon, 8 pm, $8/$10

DARRELL’S TAVERN Hartwood, Buffalo Stage Coach, Ronnie Earl Porter, $7

a EL CORAZON Sanctuary, SANCTION VIII , guests, 7:30 pm, $18/$20

FOUNDATION Vicetone, Free HARD ROCK CAFE JusTina, 8 pm, $12/$15

a HEARTLAND Ashley Eriksson, Stephen Steinbrink, Filardo, Briana Marela, 8 pm, Free HIGH DIVE Malfunkshun, Swingset Showdown , Supply and the Man, 9:30 pm, $8

HIGHWAY 99 Rockabilly & Burlesque Night: Six Gun Romeo, Little Ray & the Uppercuts, guests, $15

HILLIARD’S TAP ROOM

The Quiet Ones , Ships Lauren Oglesby, 8 pm, free

THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Demon Dogs, the Godbeast, Blood of Kings, Headless Pez, $5

BY ADRIAN RYAN

For eons, our simple queer calendar year has been, much like the pagan calendars of Western Europe and Rome, divided right down the middle and marked by two powerful, polarized celestial events—Halloween and Gay Pride. But not so anymore! Our strange homo axis has shifted, our twisted existence realigned. (Mostly, I blame drag queens. And global warming.) And in this New and Improved Age of Gayness, our year is now defined by two shining, polaropposite points— holidays that have traditionally been left bereft of truly soulful and engaging meaning, marred by ideological confusion and rank consumerism, but now gloriously reclaimed by crossdressers and strippers: Christmas and the Fourth of July

a L.A.B. (SEATTLE

DRUM SCHOOL) Midnight Atmosphere , District, the Start-Ups, Melia Dudgeon, 7 pm, free

THE MIX He Thinks He’s People, Orphan Bloom, TRS, Johnny Hoffman and the Residents, $8

NECTAR Polecat, Giraffe Dodgers, Allie Kral, Betty and the Boy, $7

a NEUMOS Brothers from Another, Fearce Vill & Bean One, Dave B, 8 pm, $8

PARAGON Solbird, free

QUEEN CITY GRILL Faith Beattie, Bayly, Totusek, Guity, free

RENDEZVOUS Blicky , Ocelot Omelet , Sean K. Preston, 10:30 pm, $6

a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 6 pm

SEAMONSTER Sound Dialog: Guests, 10:30 pm

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB Levator, 8 pm, $7

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE

Shake It Up: A Tribute to the Cars: Guests, $8

a STUDIO SEVEN Mac Dre

Tribute Night: J. Diggs, San Quin, Sleep Dank, guests, $15

SUNSET TAVERN The Chasers, Furniture Girls , $8

TIM’S TAVERN Keith Cook, Damiso Sun, In Due Time, free

TRACTOR TAVERN Heels to the Hardwood, Mealfrog , Lanford Black, $6

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm

THE WHITE RABBIT

We Were Lovers, Rough People, Scrumptious & The Backbeat

DJ

2 BIT SALOON Punk Rock

Prom: Guests, 8 pm, $10

BALLROOM DJ Warren

BALTIC ROOM Good Saturdays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Inferno: Guests, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after

CAPITOL CLUB Get Physical: DJ Edis, DJ

Paycheck, 10 pm, free

CONTOUR Europa Night: Misha Grin, Gil

CUFF Bear Heat: DJ

days, it’s crammed to its crooked crannies with fresh (and naughty, and funny) songs, original (and sexy, and thrilling) dances, and enrapturing cabaret and burlesque (did I mention sexy? Man, does it get sexy), and it’s busting with tight professionalism and top-drawer production values. It’s the best thing about Christmas since Santa’s fuzzy red sack. But we have more than six months before all that happens—a problem DeLouRue appreciates.

Edward P. Lombardo, Attorney at Law

Criminal Appeals & Defense

Former Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Years of Insider Experience Felonies, Misdemeanors and Homicide

(855) 330-9100 (206) 390-4140 free telephone consultation eplseattlelaw.com

At Christmastime, three brilliant performers, known collectively as DeLouRue Productions, (Ben DeLaCreme, Kitten LaRue, and Lou Henry Hoover) stage the grandest, most engaging and entertaining Xmess extravaganza the world has seen since, lo, the Babe Himself was piddling on the reeds. It’s called Homo for the Holi-

To remedy this sad situation, they kindly and wisely bring us Freedom Fantasia, which is everything Homo for the Holidays is, but minus the Jesus Baby and plus apple pie and star-spangled banners—a dazzling, bedragged parade of glamorous Americana! And, most importantly, it features national drag superstar Jinkx Monsoon and stars its indomitable hostess, the Lady Ben DeLaCreme—Seattle’s top drag performers in my, your, or anybody else’s book. Some urgency is required, however—only three nights total to see this, the don’tmiss-miss-thang show of the whole gay summer! Featuring the inimitable talents of Cherdonna Shinatra, Jamie Von Stratton, and Major Scales, among others. Do it for A-murika! Triple Door, Wed and Fri 9 pm, Sat 8 and 10:30 pm, $27–$33, 17+.

Friday, July 5th to Saturday, July 6th

DAVID CROWE

David Crowe’s Stand-up is a lot like the beginning of the Dickens classic, A Tale of Two Cities. “It was the smartest of shows. It was the dumbest of shows. It was witty and bright. It was brash and physical. It was Dick Cavett. It was Jim Carrey. It was horrifying. It was hilarious.”

Crowe is the only comedian in history to have won both the Seattle and San Francisco International Stand-up Comedy Competitions. He is a favorite on the nationally syndicated “Bob and Tom Show”.   he e y eddy y C Comp t etiitiions.

Freedom Fantasia

Mattstands

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB

MVMNT: Guests, free LAVA LOUNGE DJ Matt

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal Darkness

OHANA Funk House: DJ Bean One

RE-BAR Cock & Bull: DJ Freddy King of Pants, $5

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Guest DJs

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before 10 pm

THE WOODS Hiphop/R&B/ Funk/Soul/Disco: Guest DJs

SUN 7/7

LIVE

AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Ben Fleck, 6 pm

BARBOZA We Were Heroes, guests, 8 pm, $8

CAFE RACER Cafe Racer

Sessions: Guests, 7:30 pm, free

CHATEAU STE.

MICHELLE Pat Benatar, Neil Giraldo, Berlin featuring Terri Nunn, 7 pm, $45/$65

CHOP SUEY Mister Loveless, Bent , Peeping Tomboys, Buffalo Tongue, 8 pm, $6

COMET A Tribute to Mia Zapata: Triple Sixes, Wiscon, Werebearcat!, Greenriver Thrillers , Power Skeleton Vile Display Of Humanity , Chosen Enemies, Spit in the Well, guests, $7 donation

CROCODILE Bob Log III, 8 pm, $15

the Waywards, John Wayne Guns, 8 pm, $6

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

NECTAR Medium Troy, B.DURAZZO, IG88, J Battle, $6

PIES & PINTS Sunday Night Folk Review: Guests, free SEAMONSTER Pocket Time Slice, 10 pm, free

a STUDIO SEVEN A Night of Mayhem: Fools Among Men, Feral Strain, Open Mind, Beyond Theory, Fallen Traitors, guests, $12

TRACTOR TAVERN The Melodic Song Preservation Society, 8:30 pm, $8

TRIPLE DOOR Hannalee, Damien Jurado , 7:30 pm, $15/$18

TULA’S Jim Cutler Jazz Orchestra, 8 pm, $8 VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm; the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm

THE WHITE RABBIT Stackpole, Vunt Foom, Hal Merrill Quartet a WOODLAND PARK ZOO NORTH MEADOW Huey Lewis & the News, 6 pm, $39.50

DJ BALTIC ROOM Mass: Guest DJs

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style: DJ Bookem, DJ Fentar CONTOUR Broken Grooves: DJ Venus, Rob Cravens, guests, free THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance: Up Above, Fistfight, free a FULL TILT ICE CREAM Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm

LAVA LOUNGE No Come Down: Jimi Crash

MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free

DJ Nick THE STEPPING STONE PUB

Vinyl Night: You bring your records, they play them

MON

7/8

LIVE 2 BIT SALOON Metal Monday: Apparitions, Mouth of the Serpent, Dilapidation, Reficul , 8 pm, $8

AQUA BY EL GAUCHO Jerry Frank

BLUE MOON TAVERN Andy Coe Band, free COASTAL KITCHEN Pork Chop Trio, 9:30 pm, free COMET Tae Phoenix, Direct Divide, the Dazzling Dooms, Lust for Glory, $6

CROCODILE Sorne, 8 pm, $7

a EL CORAZON Casket of Cassandra, Kinetik, Betrayed By Weakness, guests, 7 pm, $8/$10; Kepi Ghoulie, Dog Party, Dreadful Children, Big Eyes, 7:30 pm, $8/$10

a HEARTLAND Seacats, SuperProjection, Tangerine, Lures, 8 pm, free KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LUCID Chris Clark/Bob Hammer Trio, 7 pm, Free NEW ORLEANS The New Orleans Quintet, 6:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Monday Night Open Mic: Guests, 10 pm

a STUDIO SEVEN Consider Me Dead, Blackburner, Mystic Monsters, guests, 7 pm, $10/$12

SUNSET TAVERN Martha! Mother , Half Kingdom, Circuit Vine, $6

TRIPLE DOOR

COMPANY BAR Rock and Roll Chess Night: DJ Plantkiller, 8 pm, free CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free HAVANA Manic Mondays: DJ Jay Battle, free THE HIDEOUT Introcut, guests, free LAVA LOUNGE Psych/Blues: Bobby Malvestuto

a EL CORAZON D-Why, Sam Lachow, guests, 7:30 pm, $10/$12; the Resignators, Moustache Bandits, guests, 8 pm, $8/$10

a HEARTLAND Jaill, Cosmonauts, Dude York, Chastity Belt, 8 pm, Free HIGH DIVE On Your Life,

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina: Guest DJs PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm Q NIGHTCLUB Revival: Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free RE-BAR Flammable: DJ Wesley Holmes, 9 pm SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa:

Musicquarium: Free Funk Union, free THE WHITE RABBIT Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6

DJ BALTIC ROOM Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate Sound, $5 BARBOZA Minted: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free CAPITOL CLUB The Jet Set: DJ Swervewon, 100 Proof

BY DAVE SEGAL

WEDNESDAY 7/3

THE JUAN MACLEAN WILL HOUSE YOU (AND MAYBE UNCLOTHE YOU) Frankly, we’d rather see the Juan MacLean (aka John MacLean) play live (did you catch that 2009 gig at Nectar? Holy shit!), but a DJ set by the former Six Finger Satellite guitarist is not a bad consolation prize. The New York City–based DFA Records mainstay is a keen selector of house and disco, invariably dropping the subtly soulful and classily propulsive cuts. Let’s hope he’s not too humble to spin his own anthem/ self-fulfilling prophecy, “Happy House.” With J-Justice and Introcut Barboza, 8 pm, $13, 21+.

THURSDAY 7/4

AIRPORT’S OMINOUS, ASTRAL DISCO, YOURYOUNGBODY’S ELECTRONIC TORCH SONGS

Airport (aka Jayson Kochan) keeps playing local shows at a furious rate, and I keep writing about ’em. Maybe one of these times it’ll slice through your seemingly impenetrable apathy, and you’ll finally check out one of Seattle’s most riveting producers. Airport’s specialty is propulsive astral disco that balances ominous atmospheres with uplifting, occasionally whimsical melodies. It’s irrepressibly groovy and infectious and ready for much bigger venues than it’s heretofore occupied. Seattle duo youryoungbody traffic in slower tempos and broodier moods and

feature Emily Cripe’s rich, velvety vocals, which are steeped in disciplined torchsong theatrics. Producer Killian Brom’s a skillful songwriter; KEXP dubbed youryoungbody’s “Sterile” as song of the day in May. With Leatherdaddy and Imperials Comet, 9 pm, $6, 21+.

HEATSICK, LEE GAMBLE, AND NHK’KOYXEN TRIGGER AVANT-TECHNO PAN-DEMONIUM

Three artists from Bill Kouligas’s revered Berlin label PAN invade Seattle tonight, and it’s totally worth skipping whatever Fourth of July shindig you’re planning to hit. Japanese producer NHK’Koyxen (Kouhei Matsunaga, who also records for Raster-Noton) makes ruggedly glitched yet scrupulously designed techno that’s hard to mix smoothly with most other techno—a plus, in my view. Kouhei’s a master of abstract minimalism transferred to club dimensions, and his productions are always a head-wrecking delight. By contrast, Heatsick (Steven Warwick) takes the familiar traits of early techno and house and runs them through a distancing, decadent filter, giving his tracks a crucial tang of oddness. And his cover of “Willow’s Song” from The Wicker Man soundtrack out-creeps Bill Callahan. Lee Gamble’s brand of left-field techno and otherworldly ambient is way more warped than that of Warp Records’ stable these days. These PAN dudes are such the inventive rule-breakers. With Phine Gage and Phaedrus Electric Tea Garden, 9 pm, $10, 21+.

OWL N’ THISTLE Jazz Improv Night: Guests

SEAMONSTER McTuff Trio, 10 pm, free STUDIO SEVEN Fierce Bad Rabbit, guests, 7 pm, $10 SUNSET TAVERN Bigfoot Wallace, His Wicked Sons, the Holy, Dead Bars, Spirit Treader, $8 a TACOMA DOME New Kids On the Block, 98 Degrees, Boyz II Men, $27.50-$89.50

TRACTOR TAVERN

Yevtushenko , Born of Ghosts, Dead Sea Symphony, $6 a TRIPLE DOOR Son Jack Jr’s Delta Hothouse, Ian Siegal, Total Experience Gospel Choir, 7:30 pm, $12/$15

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Chris Blondal Trio, 7 pm, Free THE WHITE

BY JACKSON HATHORN

FRIDAY 7/5

SAY ANYTHING, EISLEY, H RV RD, I THE MIGHTY

I want to write that Max Bemis should go down as the best teenage poppunk songwriter of all time, and that you ought to see Bemis’s band, Say Anything, play tonight as they tour in support of All My Friends Are Enemies, a remastered collection of his earliest recordings. I want to grab you by the collar, underage reader, and insist that you’ll connect with (and be consoled by) the songs this guy made between the ages of 17 and 20.

These songs were originally recorded from 2000 to 2003, practically a generation removed from you, and I don’t know if they still resonate. If you’re not a sensitive, angry, or thoughtful kid whose biggest anxieties are about college and whether someone wants to kiss you or not, these songs might say nothing to you about your life. And by hyping up this era-specific collection, I have to also acknowledge that after 2004’s …Is a Real Boy, the albums Bemis has released are not what I can conscionably call “good music.” Say Anything are often embarrassing and cringeworthy, with later records consisting almost entirely of self-righteous indignation. I find Bemis’s music from this initial period to be more forgivable because it’s so clearly influenced by the trying-to-be-cool posturing that comes with wanting to both stand out and fit in amid people you think are hipper than you.

FRIDAY JULY 12 | 7:30 PM

AUDIOASIS BENEFIT: NUDE POP

$7 ADV. $8 DOS

THURSDAY JULY 18 | 7:30 PM

AIDAN KNIGHT

$9 ($8 W. CLUB CARD)

SATURDAY JULY 20 | 7:30

JOYCE MANOR

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

WEDNESDAY JULY 24 | 7:30 PM

THE EXCEPTIONALLY ORDINARY TOUR RAVEN ZOE TODD WILLIAMS & MORE!

$15

FRIDAY JULY 26 | 7:00 PM

Bemis wrote prodigiously about how being a teenager means every decision you make is life-altering—from who your friends are to where you go to school—and sang purely and recklessly about the kind of love that’s only possible when you’re young and immune to permanent injury. He can ask someone, “Whatever happened to the rock and roll in your eyes?” without qualification. It’s a question that I wish I asked myself more often. Showbox at the Market, 8 pm, $17 adv/$20 DOS.

TAKE WARNING & THE VERA PROJECT PRESENTS TALLHART, FROM INDIAN LAKES MAKESHIFT PRODIGY

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

SATURDAY AUGUST 17 | 7:30 PM

ERIK BLOOD, WESTERN HAUNTS (ALBUM RELEASE PARTY)

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

Bemis

FILM

Nic Till You’re Sick

A One-Day Nicolas Cage Film Festival

BY PAUL CONSTANT

This is America. We don’t do small. And we don’t do natural very well, either. The nature that we set aside for the sole purpose of appreciation is there because it’s too huge to ignore:

mountains, grand canyons, redwood forests. Hell, even our long tradition of naturalism is huge, bursting with contradictory multitudes. “Realism” doesn’t exist in America because reality bores the shit out of us.

But for too long now, our movie stars, the faces we look at when we want to imagine ourselves at our biggest and most godlike, have been obsessed with realism. Despite Brando’s tremendous appetites, he was obsessed with tiny movements, with tremorous flinches of the eye, little puffs of disappointed breath, a perfectly timed swallow. Strasberg school movie-star naturalism has practically become self-parody; actors are squinting and tensing their jaws in order to convince us that the tennis ball on a stick that they’re staring at is actually, say, a spaceship, or a chimpanzee rebellion, or a flatulent dwarf sidekick. Our movie stars try too goddamned hard to sell reality to us, when reality is something with which we’ve never been concerned*. American pictures, as Norma Desmond slurred in Sunset Boulevard, got small.

cinematic naturalism. With his instinct for the huge and the romantic and the out-of-control, he’s the only honest American movie star. Cage’s style has been very thoughtfully constructed from silent movies and manga and anime and Saturday morning cartoons and sports-team mascots and televangelists and soap operas. In one movie, he models his performance after Elvis; in another, Gumby’s horse sidekick Pokey is his muse. I’m pretty sure that in at least one film, Cage’s performance signified that his character believed he had been transformed into a cartoon dog, even though nothing in the script indicated that this was the case.

Nicolas Cage Match Sat July 6, SIFF Cinema Uptown, 11 am, $35/$25 SIFF members

Cage is known for his bombast and his overthe-top performances, and that’s as it should be: Nobody is bigger or brassier or—yeah, I’ll say it—better. But there’s a subtlety there, too. His performances are lined with hidden pockets crammed full of shimmering gems and chicken bones and Family Circus cartoons with obscene genitalia sketched over them.

came for just about everything. Cage’s financial need dictates that he has to work too often, and too indiscriminately, to do justice to every role, but I’m confident he’ll come out the other side of this grinding-it-out experience with new insights.

When SIFF Cinema Uptown programmer (and longtime friend) Clinton McClung approached me with the idea of a one-day Cage film festival called Nicolas Cage Match, I immediately agreed. The idea of screening six of Cage’s best movies end-to-end was too beautiful to pass up. The effect I’m hoping for is that his performances will bleed from one to the other in the audience’s consciousness and enact subtle changes in their perception, like the cinematic version of a psychedelic drug study.

The selection process was difficult. McClung and I had to go back and watch the few Cage movies we’d never seen—Amos & Andrew is the hands-down worst movie he’s ever made, if you’re wondering—and then we had to pare our favorites. Face/Off has too much John Travolta. Wild at Heart didn’t work with the flow of the other movies. Peggy Sue Got Married didn’t have enough Cage in it. We had enough truly great Cage movies left over to throw one or two more of these festivals.

What we came up with for the lineup is a sampling of Cage’s work that stretches from his earliest starring roles to some late-career triumphs. In order, they are: Raising Arizona (1987), Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009), Vampire’s Kiss (1988), Adaptation (2002), Con Air (1997), and The Wicker Man (2006). I can’t pick favorites, but there are two films I’m personally excited for: Bad Lieutenant, which I first saw when it opened at the pre-SIFF Uptown, is maybe the most underappreciated film of the lot. Cage’s rococo Nixon riff is an expertly smarmy take on the dirty-cop story. And I’ve never seen Vampire’s Kiss on a real movie screen. Cage’s first real full-scale experiment with the operatic tones that would win him an Oscar feels like a silent film—Murnau’s Nosferatu, maybe?—that’s somehow drunk on color and sound and modernism. But it wouldn’t be appropriate to throw a Nicolas Cage film festival without some baroque fun added in. There will be a lunchtime visit from the delicious food truck Now Make Me a Sandwich, which will be serving special Cage-

His performances are lined with hidden pockets full of shimmering gems and chicken bones.

T his is why Nicolas Kim Coppola is a prophet. Born into the most prestigious American film family, he tossed out his surname and named himself after Luke Cage, an outsider African American superhero published by Marvel Comics. (Cage seems to love the inky four-color world of superheroes more than his own bloodline; he named his son KalEl, after Superman’s Kryptonian birth name.)

Like all outsiders, Cage has been subject to more than his share of ridicule. Sean Penn sniffed in a 1999 interview with the New York Times that he considered Cage to be “no longer an actor,” that he was “more like a performer” instead. It was a self-serious actor taking a cheap swing at something he couldn’t understand.

Cage calls his acting style Nouveau Shamanic, but I say he’s leading a one-man war against the wrongheaded tradition of American

The internet has embraced Cage’s style even if critics haven’t: He’s become an online phenomenon, with his likeness mashed-up into board games and memes and videos by an army of adoring fans, including a Reddit subgroup (r/onetruegod) that straight-facedly treats Cage like the god of a new religion. Sure, some of this adoration is born out of irony, but I don’t think most of it is coming from a place of mockery. People recognize when someone is doing something special, something different. As much as I love George Clooney or Matt Damon, for example, ordinary people just aren’t going to write theme songs for those two actors the way that several folk artists have composed music for Cage**.

Obviously, not every Nicolas Cage movie, or even every Cage performance, is great. We all know about his tax troubles—at one point, Cage owned 14 homes, one of the world’s most impressive comic-book collections, and at least one dinosaur skull before the IRS

themed sandwiches. Highlight reels of Cage’s more adventurous moments not represented in the festival will be shown between films. There may be a special field trip later on in the day. By the time The Wicker Man ends, you will either understand exactly what I mean when I say that Cage is the sole, visionary master of a vital acting discipline or you will go insane. Either way, I can’t think of a better way to spend a day of the Fourth of July weekend. God bless America.

* This is the problem with digital special effects, too: When you can do anything, you become obsessed with making your imagination look as real as possible, and so your digital fantasies become hampered by a desire for practicality, and all your unbridled imagination starts to look dull. In short: I’d put a man in a Godzilla suit up against the pasty old Cloverfield beastie any day of the week.

** My favorite Cage song is Ken Grobe and Darci Ratliff’s “Nic Cage Adventure Theme,” which begins: “Who wants to have an adventure? Nic Cage!/Who wants a haunted ice cream cone? Nic Cage!” You can find it here: bit.ly/151KgvM.

Rage about Cage at THESTRANGER.COM/FILM

CON AIR “I’m American me.”

FILM SHORTS

RUN

A BAND CALLED DEATH

A Band Called Death isn’t a film that tries to convince you to suddenly fall in love with Death’s unearthed collection of music, dusty old demo tapes from the ’70s found rotting in an attic and recently rereleased on Drag City Records. Instead, the film is an epic family story about brotherhood, loyalty, and artistic integrity. What you will fall in love with is the journey of three brothers—three teenage boys, who made a tough-as-shit rock record together a gazillion years ago, and are now being rediscovered and credited as the world’s first black punk band. (KELLY O) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Sun-Tues 9:15 pm.

BERBERIAN SOUND STUDIO

Berberian Sound Studio, the second feature by British director Peter Strickland, is set in the 1970s and concerns an English Foley artist, Gilderoy (Toby Jones), who is hired by a broke-ass Italian film production company to improve the sound design of a horror film that’s set in medieval times and is filled to the brim with nuns being murdered, raped, and mutilated by all kinds of evil. This sort of thing is not Gilderoy’s cup of tea. He usually works on mediocre British nature shows, or programs about the countryside and the habits of the rural folks. Why in the world did the Italians hire a person like him (the biggest bore) to work on their hyperviolent piece of trash? All we know is that the producer on the project is a prick, the director is insane (he thinks he is not making a horror film but a work of art that’s based on the facts, and not fantasies, of medieval life), the sound engineer is anal (he will not share his equipment with anyone), and the actresses have reached the boiling point—they have had enough of the bad script and the sexual exploitation. If my memory is correct, we never see the horror film Gilderoy and his team are working on, but we do see them stabbing and splatting fruits and vegetables for gory sound effects. The final result? The most entertaining comedy I have seen since Bowfinger. (CHARLES MUDEDE) Northwest Film Forum, Fri-Tues 7, 9 pm.

DOWNLOADED

Napster’s story is a familiar one: A teenager named Sean Parker loved music, he was pretty good with computers, and

I TELEVISION TM

BY WM. TM STEVEN HUMPHREY

SUPER-DRUNK

On numerous occasions, I have been asked the following question: “Humpy, are you a high-functioning alcoholic?” Highfunctioning? Well, I wouldn’t go that far. However, I will go this far: If you want to see me do something totally amaze-balls? Drain a fifth of booze down my throat. Once during a bender, I scaled a two-story building with a lit cigarette in my mouth, fell right before I reached the top, and hit the ground in a lump. I immediately hopped right up, flicked the ash off my smoke, and yelled, “Okay, which one of you turds has my Jack Daniel’s?” (NOTE: Do not try this sort of stupid nonsense at home— especially if you’re not drunk.)

Booze has always provided me with magic superpowers of one sort or another. Whiskey makes me impervious to pain (and makes me a moderate-to-terrible climber). Tequila gives me incredible balance (gimme two shots and watch me ride a unicycle). Rum gives me super arm-wrestling strength, and vodka makes me irresistible to either sex, while simultaneously allowing me to remember and quote any rap song written since 1987.

Conversely, pot gives me the ability to suffer multiple panic attacks before eating an entire pizza and falling asleep for 15 hours.

So for the most part, it’s true: Everything is better with booze. (With the possible exceptions of explaining previous drunken actions to a judge, flying helicopters, and performing circumcisions.) HOWEVER! It is an irrefutable FACT that liquor improves one’s ability to teach, as has been proven time and time again by the absolutely

he thought it’d be awesome to have access to all the world’s music, so he invented a way for music fans to access one another’s hard drives and share musical files for free. While his intent wasn’t at all malicious, Parker failed to consider one important factor when he created Napster—just how much this would piss off the people who were making money off that music. Major record labels panicked, and independent bands that didn’t have access to that kind of worldwide distribution benefited from it. Parker’s invention was responsible for turning the industry on its head, forcing the business model to evolve before it was ready, and taking away any control major labels had over the artists, music, and fans. Even already knowing how the story ends, it’s still a nice reminder of how we got to the music industry we know today. (MEGAN SELING) Grand Illusion, Fri-Sun 7, 9 pm, Mon 9 pm, Tues 7 pm.

A GIRL AND A GUN

A documentary that focuses on the culture of female gun ownership in America. Grand Illusion, Sat-Sun 5 pm, Mon 7 pm.

THE GOONIES

“I got an idea! Why don’t we just put chocolate all over the floor and let Chunk eat his way through!” Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 7 pm.

A HIJACKING Tobias Lindholm makes a very savvy early choice in his high-seas thriller about a cargo ship attacked by Somali pirates. He skips the hook Hollywood would highlight in the trailer–the violent takeover. Instead of delivering a guntoting game of kidnappers, hostages, and rescuers, this Danish import opts for a slow-burn psychological approach that ratchets up the tension with real-world characters and repercussions. Intelligent, austere, and (truth be told) a little haphazardly edited, this poignant drama still packs a heckuva wallop. (JEFF MEYERS) Harvard Exit, Fri-Sun 2:15, 4:45, 7:20, 9:30 pm, Mon-Tues 4:45, 7:20, 9:30 pm.

JAMES GANDOLFINI DOUBLE FEATURE Screenings of The Man Who Wasn’t There and In the Loop to commemorate the film career of James Gandolfini. SIFF Film Center, Thurs 7, 9:30 pm.

hilarious web series Drunk History—which is getting its own TV series coming to Comedy Central this Tuesday, July 9, at 10 p.m.! For those unfamiliar with the history of Drunk History, it was created by genius Derek Waters and debuted on YouTube in December 2007 using the following insanely simple premise: Get someone super-drunk, film them explaining a historical event, and then have famous comic actors re-create exactly what the stinking drunk person is describing. Of course, hilarity ensues! Quickly hop over to funnyordie.com/drunkhistory to see Michael Cera reenacting Alexander Hamilton’s duel with Aaron Burr, Jack Black as Benjamin Franklin discovering electricity, Will Ferrell as Abraham Lincoln meeting Don Cheadle as Frederick Douglass, and more! Not only will you actually listen and learn a lot about these historical events, but the narrator will also probably vomit during the lecture… soooo… double score!

And the new Comedy Central series is shaping up to be just as great! Each show will focus on the history of an American city that was instrumental to our country’s birth—for example, the debut episode spotlights Washington, DC, and features stinking drunk retellings of the Watergate scandal (starring Nathan Fielder and Fred Willard), the Lincoln assassination (with Parks and Recreation’s Adam Scott as John Wilkes Booth), and the unforgettable day when Elvis met President Nixon (Jack Black and Bob Odenkirk).

If you’re a big fan of Ken Burns’s historical documentaries—then you maaaaay not like this. But if you’re a drunk, and your alcoholic superpower is “being smart,” then don’t miss Drunk History! Now… which one of you turds has my Jack Daniel’s?!?

Read Humpy’s TV listings at THESTRANGER.COM

NATIONAL THEATER LIVE: THE AUDIENCE

Helen Mirren, once again, goes full-QEII in this rebroadcast of a stage production by London’s National Theater. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri 6 pm, Sun 12:30, 6 pm, Mon 6 pm.

NICOLAS CAGE MATCH

See preview, page 63. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Sat July 6 at 11 am.

ROCK JOCKS

A screening of the NASA-themed sci-fi comedy, big-screen Asteroids video game play, and a free packet of Pop Rocks with ticket! SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri July 5 at 9:30 pm.

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Not only is Jonathan Demme’s The Silence of the Lambs the scariest movie ever to win a best picture Oscar, the night of its Oscar triumph was an itchy delight, with each fresh Lambs win inspiring the Oscar orchestra to blast out Hannibal Lecter’s face-eating theme song. It was glorious. (DAVID SCHMADER) Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 9:30 pm.

SOMM SOMM follows four men hoping to earn their Master Sommelier diplomas. The famously difficult exam includes a test in which the aspirants must not only prove themselves as poets and historians of wine, they must identify specific wines—through taste and smell and vision alone— by varietal, country, region, and, to score most highly, vintner and year. Unfortunately, the amazement found here is diluted by too-slick, poorly paced filmmaking. Moreover, the men come off more as a bunch of bros who happen to have a weird (and potentially lucrative) obsession than as people seeking to perpetuate an arcane, amazing body of knowledge about a beautiful human accomplishment. (BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Sat-Sun 3 pm.

WITHIN REACH

A documentary about one conscientious couple’s journey to cycle across the country in search of a sustainable community. Free screening! Keystone Church, Fri July 5 at 7 pm.

NOW PLAYING

THE BLING RING

The real drag about Sofia Coppola’s The Bling Ring is that it’s neither fun nor thoughtful—it’s totally ambivalent. (ZAC PENNINGTON)

THE LONE RANGER

The Lone Ranger is a turd of a movie that juxtaposes schlocky comedy with earnestly whitewashed Native American mysticism, in grand Disney tradition. Armie Hammer stars as a gun-shy prosecutor who returns to his Texas hometown to bring justice to the Wild West, but ends up seeking vengeance for his brother’s death. Johnny Depp plays Tonto, the Comanche loner/rogue KISS member, who mentors the Lone Ranger on his quest. The two-hour origins film feels three hours too long. It features an honest-to-god train chase, as in one train chasing another on the same track. And it glosses over the ugly, exploitative history of westward expansion. Bad guys employ Chinese laborers

to build their railroad, while other railroad scenes feature white laborers. Bad guys provoke wars with neighboring Comanche tribes, which good guys count as friends. There’s only one interesting moment in the film, when the Lone Ranger tells an army captain he’s been duped into killing Native Americans. A bad guy counters: “If he’s right, it means you’re responsible for the slaughter of the innocent, captain. Are you capable of that?” For an instant, the audience is forced to contemplate the hard edges of heroism: acknowledging your mistakes and atoning for them. Sadly, that moment is a flash in the pan. (CIENNA MADRID)

MAN OF STEEL

Henry Cavill gives great Superman: He smiles a lot and moves like he doesn’t fear stubbing a toe but is worried about accidentally breaking something. However, the movie doesn’t live up to his performance. (PAUL CONSTANT)

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

Set in an opulent modern-day estate (the director’s own house), Joss Whedon’s Much Ado is a cozy affair, and the actors are all practically flirting with Shakespeare’s language. There’s some silly physical comedy, willful deception on a large scale, and, because Much Ado is arguably the world’s first rom-com, every major player makes one asshole move that seems totally out of character. Everybody sure does look like they’re having fun, to the point where you want to forgive the film’s flaws—the amateurish soundtrack, some hammy acting—because you feel like you’re an invited guest at an intimate dinner party. (PAUL CONSTANT)

THE SECRET DISCO REVOLUTION

Jamie Kastner’s spirited documentary wittily recasts the disco era as a revolutionary political movement aimed at liberating blacks, women, and gays, with fanciful scenes of revolutionary superheroes in action bracketing a(nother) retelling of the rise and fall of disco, complete with talkinghead interviews with major players. It is, of course, a great, culturally revealing story, packed with sex and drugs and incredible music. Kastner’s revisionist history doesn’t bring much new to the table (beyond a tight focus on Casablanca Records), but disco lovers (and the disco-curious) will find much to enjoy. (DAVID SCHMADER)

THIS IS THE END

The setup for This Is the End isn’t terribly original, but it’s every Christian’s wet dream: James Franco is having a house party when the apocalypse hits. The survivors, including Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jay Baruchel, must fight over the last scraps of food and water. What makes the film work is its reliance on the comedians’ improvisation skills. When your mind wanders, Satan’s cock appears on-screen or Channing Tatum makes the greatest cameo of all time and snaps you back into the moment. In the end, it succeeds as a dude-centric but really fucking funny buddy film. (CIENNA MADRID)

WHITE HOUSE DOWN Of the incalculable number of films that have ripped off Die Hard (including Die Hards 2, 3, 4, and 5), perhaps no film has captured its tone so well as White House Down (even Channing Tatum’s shirt looks as if it’s from the John McClane Collection). (ERIK HENRIKSEN)

FESTIVE

MAYORAL MOVIES

If you’re a film buff who can’t make up your mind in the crowded mayoral race—and who isn’t?—head down to the Northwest Film Forum’s Mayoral Movies for a screening of the candidates’ cinematic favorites.

The festival kicks off with To Kill a Mockingbird, introduced by Mayor Mike McGinn. The 1962 courtroom classic stars Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch (McGinn) defending a black man unfairly accused of rape (defending the city from a deep-bore tunnel), as he confronts the realities of racism (conventional political groupthink) in a small Alabama town (Seattle). The parallels to McGinn’s political career are striking! No wonder he loves this movie.

Next up is neighborhood activist Kate Martin’s wistful screening of All the President’s Men, the suspenseful telling of Woodward and Bernstein’s pursuit in the Watergate scandal, from back in the era when journalists were heroes instead of corporate shills and typo-spewing, potty-mouthed bloggers. That’s right, Woodward once looked more like an idealistic Robert Redford, rather than the bloated, self-important Beltway insider he’s become today.

For a change of pace, Council Member Bruce Harrell brings us Papillon , the riveting memoir of Henri Charrière’s (Steve McQueen) miserable life and daring escape from the infamous French penal colony Devil’s Island. A metaphor for Harrell’s experience on

the city council? Maybe. But either way, it’s a damn fine film and an interesting choice from the usually not-so-interesting Harrell.

Another film that could provide some insight into the mind of the candidate is state senator Ed Murray’s choice of The Wind That Shakes the Barley, the 2006 Palme d’Or–winning dramatization of 1919 Ireland and the conflicting passions that drove young men to take up arms against British oppression. Interesting—given the bitterly factionalized struggle of the recent legislative session—that Murray would be drawn to a film where the protagonists resort to political violence. Hmmm.

And finally, former city council member Peter Steinbrueck will introduce Buddy: The Rise and Fall of America’s Most Notorious Mayor. The film documents the career of Providence, Rhode Island’s popular and long-serving mayor, Buddy Cianci, who was twice forced to resign from office due to felony convictions. It’s a curious choice for a mayoral candidate. But then again, Steinbrueck has run a curious campaign. (GOLDY)

Mayoral Movies runs July 5–8 at Northwest Film Forum, full info at nwfilmforumorg.

Got a festival you want us to write about? E-mail festive@thestranger.com.

COMIC | BY EROYN FRANKLIN

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

For the Week of July 3

ARIES (March 21–April 19): In his book The Fisher King and the Handless Maiden, Robert Johnson says many of us are as much in debt with our psychic energy as we are with our financial life. We work too hard. We rarely refresh ourselves with silence and slowness and peace. We don’t get enough sleep or good food or exposure to nature. And so we’re routinely using up more of our reserves than we are able to replenish. We’re chronically running a deficit. “It is genius to store energy,” says Johnson. He recommends creating a plan to save it up so that you always have more than enough to draw on when an unexpected opportunity arrives. The coming weeks will be an excellent time to make this a habit, Aries.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): In the course of your long life, I estimate you will come up with approximately 60,000 really good ideas. Some of these are small, like those that help you decide how to spend your weekend. Some are big ones, like those that reveal the best place for you to live. As your destiny unfolds, you go through phases when you have fewer good ideas than average, and other phases when you’re overflowing with them. The period you’re in right now is one of the latter. You are a fountain of bright notions, intuitive insights, and fresh perspectives. Take advantage of the abundance, Taurus. Solve as many riddles and dilemmas as you can.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): No one knows the scientific reasons why longdistance runners sometimes get a “second wind.” Nonetheless, such a thing exists. It allows athletes to resume their peak efforts after seemingly having reached a point of exhaustion. According to my reading of the astrological omens, a metaphorical version of this happy event will occur for you sometime soon, Gemini. You made a good beginning but have been flagging a bit of late. Any minute now, though, I expect you will get your second wind.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): Thomas Gray was a renowned 18th-century English poet, best remembered for his “Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard.” It was a short poem—only 986 words, which is less than the length of this horoscope column. On the other hand, it took him seven years to write it, or an average of 12 words per month. I suspect that you are embarking on a labor of love that will evolve at a gradual pace, too, Cancerian. It might not occupy you for seven years, but it will probably take longer than you

imagine. And yet, that’s exactly how long it should take. This is a characterbuilding, life-defining project that can’t and shouldn’t be rushed.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): The 18th-century German philosopher Georg Christoph Lichtenberg accepted the possibility that some humans have the power of clairvoyance. “The ‘second sight’ possessed by the Highlanders in Scotland is actually a foreknowledge of future events,” he wrote. “I believe they possess this gift because they don’t wear trousers. That is also why in all countries women are more prone to utter prophecies.” I bring this to your attention, Leo, because I believe that in the coming weeks, you’re likely to catch accurate glimpses of what’s to come—especially when you’re not wearing pants.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): Were you nurtured well by caring adults in the first year of your life? If so, I bet you now have the capacity to fix whatever’s ailing your tribe or posse. You could offer some inspiration that will renew everyone’s motivation to work together. You might improve the group communication as you strengthen the foundation that supports you all. And what if you were NOT given an abundance of tender love as a young child? I think you will still have the power to raise your crew’s mood, but you may end up kicking a few butts along the way.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): Summing up his experiment in living at Walden Pond, naturalist Henry David Thoreau said this: “I learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will … pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws will be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings.” Given the astrological factors that will be impacting your life in the next 12 months, Libra, you might consider adopting this philosophy as your own.

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): Thirteen thousand years ago, lions and mammoths and camels roamed parts of North America. But along with many other large beasts, they ultimately became extinct. Possible explanations for their demise include climate change and overhunting by humans. In recent years, a group of biologists has proposed a plan to repopulate the western part of the continent with similar species. They call their idea “rewilding.” In the coming months, Scorpio, I suggest you consider a rewilding program of your own. Cosmic forces will be on your side if you reinvigorate your connection to the raw, primal aspects of both your own nature and the great outdoors.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Who was Russia’s greatest poet? Many critics

say it was Alexander Pushkin, who lived in the 19th century. His abundant creativity was undoubtedly related to his unruly libido. By the time he was 31 years old, he’d had 112 lovers. But then he met his ultimate muse, the lovely and intelligent Natalya Goncharova, to whom he remained faithful. “Without you,” he wrote to her, “I would have been unhappy all my life.” I half-expect something comparable to happen for you in the next 10 months, Sagittarius. You may either find an unparalleled ally or else finally ripen your relationship with an unparalleled ally you’ve known for a while. One way or another, I bet you will commit yourself deeper and stronger.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): It’s Grease Week—a time when you need to make sure everything is as well-oiled as possible. Does your car need a quart of Castrol? Is it time to bring more extra virgin olive oil into your kitchen? Do you have any K-Y Jelly in your nightstand, just in case? Are there creaky doors or stuck screws or squeaky wheels that could use some WD-40? Be liberal with the lubrication, Capricorn—both literally and metaphorically. You need smooth procedures and natural transitions.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): Two years into the War of 1812, British soldiers invaded Washington, DC. They set fire to the White House and other government buildings. The flames raged out of control, spreading in all directions. The entire city was in danger of burning. In the nick of time, a fierce storm hit, producing a tornado and heavy rains. Most of the fires were extinguished. Battered by the weather, the British army retreated. America’s capitol was saved. I predict that you, Aquarius, will soon be the beneficiary of a somewhat less dramatic example of this series of events. Give thanks for the “lucky storm.”

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): Like the legendary Most Interesting Man in the World who shills for Dos Equis beer, you will never step in gum on the sidewalk or lose a sock in the coming weeks. Your cereal will never get soggy; it’ll sit there, staying crispy, just for you. The pheromones you secrete will affect people miles away. You’ll have the power to pop open a piñata with the blink of your eye. If you take a Rorschach test, you’ll ace it. Ghosts will sit around campfires telling stories about you. Cafes and restaurants may name sandwiches after you. If you so choose, you’ll be able to live vicariously through yourself. You will give your guardian angel a sense of security.

Homework: Where’s the place you’re halfafraid to travel to, even though you know it would change your life for the better? Write Freewillastrology.com.

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COUNSELING

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ANGER MANA GEMENT

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MASSAGE

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RELAXATION, SPORTS, AND

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LESSONS

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SAX LOOKING FOR professional minded musicians. Blues, Funk, R&B, Soul. Playing professionally for over 30 yrs. am used to commuting to Seattle, if that’s where you hail. I have a fully equipped studio for rehearsals.

SEATTLE VOCALIST/ SONGWRITER/KEYBOARDS CALL MURPHY 206 860 3534

IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF THE STATE OF WASHINGTON IN AND FOR KING COUNTY SAMMY WOONHA LEE, an individual, Plaintiff. v. TOMMIE FRANKLIN REGISTER AND TINA REGISTER, as individuals and a marital community, JOHN L. BOWERS AND ARLA BOWERS, as individuals and a marital community, BEN WATSON, and DARYL AND JUDY JOHNSON, as individuals and a marital community. Defendants.

Case no. 12-2-39208-1 SEA SUMMONS BY PUBLICATION TO TOMMIE FRANKLIN REGISTER (60 days)

The State of Washington to the said TOMMIE FRANKLIN REGISTER:

You are hereby summoned to appear within sixty days after the date of the first publication of this summons, to wit, within sixty days after the 12th day of June, 2013, and defend the above-entitled action in the above-entitled court, and answer in writing the complaint of the plaintiff Sammy Woonha Lee, and serve a copy of your answer upon the undersigned attorneys for plaintiff Lee, at their office below stated. In case of your failure to do so, judgment will be rendered against you according to the demand of the complaint, which has been filed with the clerk of said court. The complaint alleges breach of contract, quantum meruit, conversion, and trespass to chattels, and seeks an award of related damages and the release of seized property.

Plaintiff’s Attorney /s/ Charles P. Moure HARRIS & MOURE, pllc

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Tel.: (206) 224-5657

Fax: (206)

MUSICIANS WANTED

AVANT-ROCK BAND SEEKING

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DRUMMER WANTED FOR experimental rock band. Swans, Big Black, Killing Joke, Black Flag, SPK, Neurosis, Tad, Live Skull, Die Kreuzen, Soriah, Savage Republic. No drugs. Material can be heard at www.rendingsinew.com. 206.547.2615 omaritaylor@hotmail.com

ZEPPELIN SINGER WANTED Local Zeppelin Tribute needs new singer. We have paying gigs and a solid line-up. Must know the material. We strive to deliver the sacred Zeppelin material with exact accuracy. Call for audition (253)312-3033

RECORDING/REHEARSAL

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THE HIVE RECORDING Studio: 206-249-8942 band and vocal recording, editing, mixing, and mastering. Work with experienced credited engineers/producers! Check us out at www.TheHiveRecordingStudio.com

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

NERDY, PANSEXUAL, AND VEGAN here we go. *deep inhale* I am 20 from Albuquerque, New Mexico. I hated it so I moved here. After looking for a job for 3847563495634 years, I got one at starbucks and i LOVE it. Imma hardcore, professional nerd. intendantk, 20

CURIOUS, SMART, AND KIND

I’m seeking adventure and good conversation. Some of my interests include spending time with friends, singing and dancing, laughing at myself, being outside, cooking, riding bikes, drinking whiskey gingers, and interior design. Let’s have a drink and see what happens! everytense, 22

WHIMSICAL, FART-POSITIVE, KIND

SING, DANCE, CONNECT...LIFE IS SHORT!

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love to connect and talk about real stuff. I love my kids. I am interested in chemistry and having fun for now... akaroa2013, 40

CLEVER FEISTY AND SLIGHTLY STUBBORN

My idea of a perfect Sunday is sleeping in, grabbing an americano while reading in between people watching, eating brunch and taking off to walk without a destination. It would be great to meet someone who wants to come along. leotess, 31

WHERE IS MY URBAN COWBOY?

No more looking for love in all the wrong places. I want a manly man to spoon me, let me beat him at Yahtzee and then take me out on the town. Let me know if you are the one! rosemaryjean, 29

SUCCESSFUL ADVENTUROUS DUDE

SEEKS PARTNER

Global citizen seeks soulmate. I’m currently in a relationship and I’m Willing to take it slow this time. Please be smart, passionate, adventurous, and desiring a family. I’m very successful live in Portland and will be staying in Portland. PDXerwantsmire, 41

LIFE LOVING GOODFELLA

I’m a pretty easy-going guy. I love the outdoors, own my home, have some kayaks, like camping as well as glamping. I really just want to make some new friends in Seattle. I love music, art, boating, and new things. bkcountry_bum, 36 NOTHING REVEALS LIKE HONESTY. The only thing better than conversations with old friends are those first conversa-

I want to meet a sailor... someone who knows how to sail and will take me sailing/ teach me how! I’m also open to meeting fun new people who want to have summer adventures. Something BIG is what I’m living for! holliefay, 27

FUN LOVING AND VIVACIOUS

I’ve lived in Seattle for nine months, would like to meet some more people and explore the city. Coles2400, 30

LAUGH @ THE WRONG TIMES

Seattle born & raised, brutally honest, adventure seeker & B.S.-caller. I’m done w/ settling & take lesson from every relationship. Easy going & find humor in it all. I appreciate good food/beer, convo, shows, movies, walks, camping, going out, imgur. totheteeth, 25

NICE, FUNNY, NORMAL GIRL

I am not that complicated, I like hang out and laugh and try new things and meet new people. I am currently in a Masters program so it’s hard to meet people. I have great references if you need any. rubymel, 34

CLEVER, BOISTEROUS, EXCITABLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD

Attention Hottie Brainiacs

I’m a professional artist and writer so of course, I love to read, create and write. I enjoy a man who can hold up his end of a great conversation and who is easy on the eyes.

HottieMama

Seeks: Man or Woman for DATING Man or Woman or Transsexual (M-to-F or F-to-M) for FRIENDSHIP

Let us know if you would like to be featured in the Stranger. If selected, you will receive a 2 week complimentary subscription. Visit: thestranger. selectalternatives.com/gyrobase/Personals/Contact

Me: Doesn’t need help opening jars, kind of geeky, funny, likes White Russians, NOT a vegetarian, short hair. You: Will make me laugh, somewhat intelligent, not an asshole, won’t feed me pine nuts, likes cheeseburgers, 22-34. okaydolore, 23

SCADIAN BIKER GEEK

Just your average motorcycle riding, sci-fi convention going, SCA participating, geeky nursing student. I like British humor, comic book movies, good food, and hanging with friends. Gwywnnydd, 40

LITTLE CITY, LITTLE COUNTRY

Just a girl looking for a guy. I’m pretty normal, great job, beautiful apartment, cat, sports car, and a guitar. I make a living trying to save the world. Looking for that priceless combination of intelligence, adventure, charm and compassion. StrummingBree, 32

FRESH, SMART, A LITTLE HEAD-IN-THECLOUDS

I’m honest and kind of childlike although I’ve been a lot of places, seen a lot of things and known a lot of people. I love poetry, art film, trip-hop music, fancy food, cuddling. natsu_no_ariake, 28

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

DYNAMIC ENIGMATIC BEAU

I am easy going with courage and a good heart. Can provide you with the best of times. I love helping people out. Cant stay down for long. Markiss, 32

VERNACULAR SPECTACULAR

In the area for the summer, possibly longer. Learning and practicing natural building. Looking for a cute permaculturist to make life even better. snapboom, 39

CHILL PHINNEY BARTENDER

Tired of working friday and saturday nights and coming home to everyone in bed already. looking for someone with similar night owl tendencies to hang out with after work. Jakapher24, 24

IM COOL.

Stimulating my creative side. keeps me pretty open minded. Love soaking in as much info as I can, Im a nerd. Like to stay in shape. MMA, BJJ, or boxing. Love movies, music :). kold82, 35

WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN

I’M JUST DOWN RIGHT AMAZING!

I am just looking for the real deal. That is all. I am a very honest person just wanting to find the woman of my dreams. I am smart, funny, cute, and over all a great person. Angelyksmile4u, 30 LET’S PRETEND WE PLANNED IT!

A geeky “bbw” artist, I spend hours (or days) my mini-studio/office painting or writing code. To reset, I workout with a personal trainer, walk everywhere, wander, and paint en plein air. Lets be friends (or more) and get lost together! comealongpond, 29

MEN SEEKING MEN

ENERGETIC, EASY GOING, PEOPLE PLEASER

I am a selfless person, always looking to make someones day just a little bit better. Tell me what you dont like about yourself, and I will find a way to change your mind. Little bit of a hopeless romantic. Nocturnal_Flame, 20

SMART, FUNNY & INTO IT

Successful guy has some passionate impulses that he likes to act on often. Well traveled, worldly/sophisticated, sociable, charismatic, thoughtful, creative but grounded, reality based but provocative, love performing arts, intelligent, driven, ambitious, hysterically funny if you get smart humor.... m4mORALguy, 51

THE DUDE ABIDES

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SAVAGE LOVE

Quickies BY DAN SAVAGE

I’m a 24-year-old woman who just ended a fiveyear relationship. It sucked. I cried. It was my first breakup, so I’ve felt totally insane for the last three months. Now I’m in the dating world, and I go out with people only to find that we have no physical chemistry. My mother says, “You’re just picky.” How am I supposed to enter my slutty years if I rarely have a physical connection with someone? I’m starting to think I’m broken; the last few years, I’ve felt pretty cut off from my sexuality. I feel like I formed some sort of sexual block. Is there a pill for this? How do I break the dam?

Bring Lass Overtly Clearer Knowledge

Here’s how you break the dam: You get high, you consume porn (text or vid), and you read Daniel Bergner’s book What Do Women Want? Adventures in the Science of Female Desire (“It should be read by every woman on earth,” Tracy Clark-Flory of Salon writes. “You want a female Viagra? This book is as close as we have to it.”) Don’t do all three at once, of course, lest you grind the gears off your sex gaskets. But do all three, over a long weekend, and try to relax and listen to your body and allow your erotic imagination to speak to you.

much younger and had just moved to the city, he appeared in a gay adult film. He thought he might be bi at the time, he said, but the experience made him realize that he’s not really attracted to men. I would never leave him over this, but I’m having a hard time processing it. When we have sex, I can’t help but think about it, and it’s made it hard for me to get in the mood. I want to get past this.

Confused About Lover’s Indiscretions

And give yourself a break, BLOCK. Some folks need more than three months to bounce back after ending a five-year relationship. Don’t force yourself to date right now if you’re not ready. Get high instead, read Bergner, and take in some erotica. And when you are ready to enter your slutty phase, BLOCK, hang on to your pickiness. In my experience— ahem picky people are likelier to enjoy their slutty phases and likelier to survive them.

I have some friends in the Pacific Northwest. They told me that they sometimes go “clam digging” for their dinner. This phrase has to have a filthy double meaning. It HAS to! But Urban Dictionary had nothin’. Any ideas?

Curious Lad Asking Master Savage

A filthy double meaning did leap instantly to mind, CLAMS, but it involves so unspeakable a violation that squeamish and/or sensitive readers might wanna skip to the next letter (or read some other advice column). Here goes: “Clam digging” is something you can find necrophiliacs who are into chicks doing with shovels in graveyards in the middle of the night. Moving on…

I’m a newly aware bicurious woman newly wed to the man of my dreams. Before our wedding, I hooked up with my first lady-crush, and now I’ve opened a Pandora’s box of potential threesomes. My husband is supportive and enjoys the bonus of getting to fulfill all of his MFF fantasies. In addition, my cute (okay, jaw-dropping) gay male friend is attracted to my husband, and my husband is so confidently straight and GGG that he says he would consider engaging in a make-out romp with my gay friend for my pleasure. One of my all-time fantasies has been a bi MMF, so this situation presents itself as another Pandora’s box that I don’t know if I should open. Am I getting in over my head?

Married Life Is Awesome

If you go for it and it ends badly, MLIA, then you were definitely getting in over your head. If you go for it and it doesn’t end badly, then you weren’t getting in over your head. The only way to find out for sure which it is—in over? In under?—is to go for it. So go for it. And send pics.

I’m a straight woman in my mid-20s living in San Francisco. I have an amazing boyfriend who I’m sure will be my partner for life. However, he confessed something the other night that has me in a daze. Years ago, when he was

You live in San Francisco. If you rule out as a potential partner any straight guy who’s appeared in gay porn, CALI, you might have to move to another city. Here’s something that might be easier than moving: Change your perspective on the meaning of sex between men. When a straight girl messes around with another girl, no one thinks of her as any less feminine. But a straight guy who messes around with another dude is seen as less masculine. The belief that gay sex is somehow emasculating, and that guys who’ve had gay sex are less manly, is pure homophobia. And this particular kind of homophobia—your particular kind of homophobia, CALI—is killing your desire for your boyfriend. Willing yourself to see what was masculine and manly about your boyfriend’s gay porn experience—he wasn’t afraid to explore his sexuality because, hey, your boyfriend is one of those completely fearless manly man types—might help you get past it. Good luck.

I’m a gay man in my mid-20s with an etiquette question. I recently met a crazy-hot guy on an online dating site who seems like a great match: tons of common interests, similar sense of humor, shared life goals. The one thing that has kept me from meeting him: He does porn. He doesn’t acknowledge that he does porn on his profile, but I recognized him. I am “familiar” with his work. I don’t mind that he does porn, but I am at a loss for how to broach the subject. I’m worried that if I let on that I recognize him from his work, he might think I’m some crazy stalker. But I also worry that if I play dumb and we do hit it off, it could blow up in my face down the road. What’s the most graceful way to handle this situation?

Pondering Online Romance Netiquette

Here’s how you handle it: You assume he’s not an idiot. A porn star on a gay dating site figures that most of the other guys on the site will be “familiar” with his work. So there’s no need to broach the porn subject, as he most likely assumes you (and everyone else he meets via that site) already knows. Don’t stress about it. If you want to ask him out, ask him out. When he mentions his work (perhaps during a convo about your respective careers), tell him you know his work and you’ve enjoyed it, and let him steer the conversation from there. If he wants to hear about your favorite films, scenes, come shots, etc., he’ll ask.

I am a longtime reader of your column. Now that the United States Supreme Court has struck down the Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8—struck ’em both down good!—what do you say to people who still think gay marriage should be illegal?

Congrats To You

“You lost; love won. You can get over it and come to the wedding and have some cake or you can fuck the fuck off. Your choice.”

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

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Be an Egg Donor

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FREE CUSTOMER PARKING IN FRONT 912 Alaskan Way - Seattle Waterfront

FREE CALL TO ARTISTS

The Landing Shopping Center in Renton is hosting an Art Walk every Saturday night in July. It’s free for artists to participate.

The Art Walk is part of “Jazz in July” nights—free outdoor concerts featuring local jazz musicians.

If you are an artist who would to like to display and sell their art, please join us!

Go to www.thelandinginrenton. com and download the application.

DO YOU WANT TO STOP USING ALCOHOL?

The UW and the Seattle VA are looking for people ages 18 and over who use alcohol frequently, have problems with it, and want to stop using it. Non-veterans are welcome! Study is evaluating whether an investigational medication is effective at reducing alcohol craving and use. Study takes 16 weeks. Volunteers will be compensated. Call Ian at 206-277-4872.”

Donate Your Car, Truck or Motorcycle

Support Big Brothers Big Sisters of Puget Sound. We offer free pickup of used vehicles in most cases running or not. Tax deductible. (206) 248-5982

FREE CERVICAL CANCER SCREENING

Age: 21+. Volunteers will receive either self-collected at home HPV testing or regular Pap test screening. Up to $200 compensation for study completion. Call 206-543-3327 or e-mail homehpv@uw.edu.

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Debris Removal

206-784-0313

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LEGENDARY PIANIST AVAILABLE

Opened for Jeff Bridges! Clubs, Weddings, Parties

I’m Richard Peterson, 64 year old composer, arranger, and pianist. I’m available to play parties, weddings, clubs, shows, etc. $200/gig. Covers and originals. Please call 206-325-5271, Thank You! CD available. Must have piano!|

NW Green Resource

Medical Cannabis Recommendation

Located on Capitol Hill 206-453-4181 www.nwgreenresource.com

SEX OFFENDER REGISTRATION

GOT YOU DOWN?

We may be able to help to remove that requirement. The Meryhew Law Group, PLLC (206)264-1590 www.meryhewlaw.com

The Pantry Raid ~ Cooking Classes

Simple Cooking, for Smart People. Cannabis and other cooking classes available. See website for details www.ThePantryRaid.com

Therapy for Everyone

Support for queer, families, sex positive, social justice awareness Nicole Donahue, MA, LMFT (206) 486-2655 ~ www.NicoleDonahue.com

Email Project REACH at UWreach@uw.edu or visit http://depts.washington.edu/uwreach/ for more information.