The Stranger Vol. 22, No. 52 by Noisy Creek

BUMBERSHOO T!

ZOE

MATTHEW OFFENBACHER

Volume 22, Issue Number 52 Aug. 28–Sept. 3, 2013

STUDY GUIDE

Questions for The Stranger, Volume 22, Issue 52

1a. Bumbershoot is a yearly arts festival that occurs over Labor Day weekend at Seattle Center. “Bumbershoot” is another word for “umbrella.” This year’s Bumbershoot headliners include the Zombies, the Breeders, and a host of comedians, visual artists, and celebrities. Now that you know all this, do you care? Why or why not?

1b. Please explain, in nauseating detail, how you could run a better arts festival than One Reel, the producers of Bumbershoot. You need not supply any supporting evidence that you could run a better festival—we’ll just take your word for it.

2. In The Stranger’s too-long Bumbershoot Guide, EMILY NOKES interviews young people at Southcenter Mall about Kendrick Lamar. This “joke” stretches on for approximately 1,600 words, which is nearly twice the size of The Stranger’s arts coverage this week. Using your knowledge of history, list three other bad jokes that went too far. (For example, onetime Domino’s Pizza mascot the Noid, the 21stcentury career of David Hasselhoff as a selfaware talentless hack, and Jerry Lewis’s Holocaust comedy-drama The Day the Clown Cried.)

3. MARTI JONJAK has contributed an interesting and useful column in the Bumbershoot Guide about the festival’s fashion components. If Jonjak is so knowledgeable about fashion, why do most Stranger writers continue to dress as though they were toddlers forced to choose outfits from a 1982 JC Penney catalog? Explain the importance of fashion in 100 words or less, in the hopes of persuading Stranger writers to stop wearing outsize free promotional T-shirts and the same pair of jeans they’ve worn for eight years running.

4. PAUL CONSTANT, who is presenting at Bumbershoot, has written an article alleging that the best parts of Bumbershoot are those panels and presentations that have been put together by or include Stranger staff. The article is accompanied by an illustration of Constant’s head wedged up his own ass. Using blue or black ink, please draw a map of the exact point where winking self-awareness crosses over into blatant self-promotion.

5. Literally nothing of value has been published in the anemic regular issue of The Stranger that accompanies this week’s Bumbershoot Guide. If you ran a flailing alternative weekly newspaper, what would you have published this week? Why do you think The Stranger decided not to do that?

Find podcasts, videos, blogs, MP3s, free classiﬁeds, personals, contests, sexy ads, and more on The Stranger’s website.

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LAST DAYS

The Week in Review BY

CIENNA MADRID

MONDAY, AUGUST 19 This week of musical humps, judgey judgments, and applause-worthy acts of God kicks off in Central Florida with reports of a massive riot at a juvenile detention facility that destroyed 18 buildings, caused hundreds of thousands of dollars in property damage, and resulted in the hospitalization of seven teens. Trouble started at the Avon Park Youth Academy, a 144-bed facility that houses male teens ages 16 to 19, on Saturday night around 8:30 p.m. “when the losing team in a ‘friendly’ game of basketball refused to live up to their end of a bet,” reports KiroTV.com. “ The losers apparently weren’t willing to part with the agreed upon prize: their three ‘cups of noodles.’ ” That

STANDING UP FOR STANDING UP

To the woman sitting behind me at the Jamal Crawford Summer Pro-Am a couple weekends ago. You and I, along with 5,000 other people, were all in attendance at SPU to watch Kevin Durant make his return to Seattle. As Durant walked into the gym, all 5,000 people stood up to see him. They continued to stand for about the next 15 minutes. You decided after about ﬁve minutes that you didn’t want to stand anymore, so you sat down and then proceeded to ask me to do the same. I said to you, “Well, if I sit down, then I’m not going to be able to see anything!” You replied, “Then tell the dudes in front of you to sit down!” After hearing your ridiculous request, I smiled and turned around as if nothing had happened. You then felt the need to talk shit to me for the next 10 minutes until the other 4,999 people in the gym sat down as well. I just wanted to let you know that I know a lot of physical therapists who I’m sure can help you with whatever injury you have that prevents you from standing for long periods of time. As for your bitchy, self-entitled attitude, there is no cure for that. If you don’t have an injury (as I suspect), I hope that god can turn your heart. If he can’t turn your heart, then I hope he turns your ankle, so we may all know you by your limp and actually give you a reason to act like a monster. Anonymous

small beef between teams quickly spread to the entire detention facility. “Teens fought each other, broke glass, set fires, and played demolition derby with staff golf carts,” reports the Tampa Bay Times . In the end, it took 150 law enforcement officials—including sheriff’s deputies, a SWAT team, air support, Florida Fish and Wildlife officers, the Florida Highway Patrol, and K-9 tracking units—to quell the riot and evacuate the detention center. The Times notes, “No academy staff members or law enforcement officers were hurt, and no inmates escaped.” It is unclear what became of the cups of noodles.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 20 Today brings news that Mormon-run Cedar Fort Publishing canceled publication of the young adult fantasy novel Woven days before it was scheduled to go to press. In a statement released on Wovenbook.com, the novel’s two authors explain that their book’s cancellation had nothing to do with its content, but rather with the bio of coauthor Michael Jensen, which lovingly referenced his “partner.” The publisher refused to print the reference, because not even in the fantasy books of their own creation are gay people allowed to live proud, open, loving lives. After some back-and-forth with editors, Jensen called Cedar Fort owner Lyle Mortimer to ask why he was being treated differently from his heterosexual coauthor (whose wife was referenced in his own bio). “The conversation really devolved quickly,” Jensen explains on the website. “Lyle started yelling about my ‘agenda’ and how I was trying to destroy families. He even started saying inappropriate things about how God had given me a penis for a reason.” There is a bright side to this otherwise stupid, hateful story: Within days, 41 Mormon authors will sign an open letter demanding publishers base their decisions on “content, quality, and commercial viability, not on any other factor,” reports the Salt Lake Tribune

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 21 Speaking of God, apparently He was no bigger fan of our last pope than anyone else with a glancing grasp of history. Among other gaffes, during his eight years as the mouthpiece o’ God, Pope Benedict XVI (né Joseph Ratzinger) pardoned a Holocaust denier and was widely accused of downplaying sexual abuse of children at the hands of priests. Today, the ex-pope revealed that God pushed him to resign. As the Guardian reports, “Benedict… said he had undergone a ‘mystical experience’ during which God had inspired in him an ‘absolute desire’ to dedicate his life to prayer rather than push on as pope.” A heartfelt thanks to God for that.

••Giving busy beavers a run for their money, today God zapped a worker at a Kentucky creationism museum with lightning while he was handling a zip line. “The electricity generated by the lightning knocked him down and caused some concern,” the Creation Museum’s Mike Zovath told Lex18. com, adding that the employee survived with little more than a numb arm. Had lightning struck the dinosaur wing of a natural history museum, creationists would most likely chalk the zapping up to God’s judgment, so it’s only fair to infer from this instance that God hates creationism, zip lines, or both.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 22 One day after being sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking thousands of classified government

Right now it is illegal to make any pro-gay statements in Russia—even wearing a rainbow pin is a crime. Russian LGBT people are being attacked in the streets and ﬁred from their jobs. The Russian government has repeatedly threatened to arrest any athletes or visitors to the 2014 Winter Olympics who make pro-gay statements. We are calling for the repeal of Russia’s anti-LGBT laws and calling on the International Olympic Committee and its corporate sponsors to demand the repeal of these discriminatory laws.

There’s an international day of protest on the eve of the G-20 summit—being held this year in St. Petersburg—in response to the brutal persecution of LGBT people in Russia. Just so happens that one of the four Russian consulates in the United States is located in Seattle. The Russian Consul General lives in a fabulous mansion in Madison Park—on the way to Madison Beach—and we will be protesting there. Outside the Russian Consul General’s house. Let’s do this, Seattle. Let’s make some noise and show our support for Russian queers. Making noise over here makes Russian queers safer over there.

“The more Russians know and the Kremlin knows that the world is watching, the safer we feel on the ground.”—Lesbian Russian journalist and author Masha Gessen

For more info about this protest and others planned around the world on September 3, go to allout.org/russiaevents. Additional info at queernationny.org and dumprussianvodka.com.

PROTEST!

DATE: Tuesday, September 3, 2013 • TIME: 4:30 p.m. to 6:00 p.m.

LOCATION: The sidewalk outside Russian Consular Residence, 3726 East Madison Street, Seattle, WA 98112

documents to WikiLeaks, today army private Bradley Manning announced a desire to begin hormone treatment and live as a woman. “As I transition into this next phase of my life, I want everyone to know the real me. I am Chelsea Manning. I am female,” Manning wrote in a statement that was largely met with confusion and scorn. Many media outlets decided to ignore Manning’s request, including NBC, NPR, USA Today, the AP, the Boston Globe, Politico, CNN, Fox, the New York Daily News, the New York Post, the Daily Beast, the Los Angeles Times, and the New York Times, which all continued using the masculine pronoun when referring to Manning (NPR, the AP , and the New York Times will reverse their policies in the coming days). Meanwhile, politicians and Twitter mobs accused Manning of everything from mental illness and attention whoring to switching genders to get into a women’s prison. Manning’s lawyer, David Coombs, told the Associated Press that Manning “does not want sex-reassignment surgery and expects to be kept with men in prison,” CBS News reports, but that she was hoping the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, would allow hormone therapy “since Manning had been diagnosed with gender-identity disorder by an army psychiatrist who testified” during her trial. Coombs added that Manning knew the name and gender change may cause confusion , and that Manning expects to be referred to as Bradley when it has to do with events prior to her sentencing, her court-martial appeal, her request for a presidential pardon—even her mail. Sadly, the media’s and the public’s reaction to Manning’s gender and pronoun change detracts from the real news—that a whistleblower intent on exposing the horrible things our government has done, including authorizing an Apache helicopter attack in Baghdad that killed two Reuters journalists and numer-

ous civilians, has been condemned as a traitor.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 23 In lighter news, today Ireland celebrated its first legal abortion since the gruesome October death of Savita Halappanavar, the pregnant woman who died slowly from sepsis after being refused an abortion in the devoutly Catholic country. Like Halappanavar, the Irish Times reports that the woman, who was 18 weeks pregnant with twins, exhibited ruptured membranes and was demonstrating signs of sepsis. Unlike Halappanavar, “the National Maternity Hospital patient has made a good recovery after receiving antibiotic treatment and undergoing the termination,” the Times states.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 24 Last week, Last Days reported on a 26-year-old man who, while attending a concealed-carry gun class with his wife, was shot in the arm by the instructor. The incident prompted this Mad Libs call to arms : “Getting shot by a gunsafety instructor is like getting [BLANKED] by a [BLANK]!!!” Here are the best reader responses: “like getting fucked by the pope,” “like getting knocked up by your abstinenceeducation teacher,” “like getting executed by a pro-lifer,” and our personal favorite, “like getting sodomized by Vladimir Putin.” Thanks for playing, everyone!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 25 Nothing happened today, unless you count Miley Cyrus’s halfnaked prime-time hump at the MTV Music Video Awards.

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @ciennam.

Comment on Last Days at THESTRANGER.COM

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Winning in a Republican District

Why Shari Song May Have the Votes to Win in South King County

BY CIENNA MADRID

Democrats have been itching to oust Republican Reagan Dunn from the King County Council since he was appointed to ﬁll fellow Republican Rob McKenna’s council seat

in 2005. Yet the Hollywood-haired Dunn represents the county’s 9th District, a mountainous, sprawling, largely rural swath southeast of Bellevue. For years, the district has been pegged a Republican haven, and Dunn is a Republican’s Republican. The kind of representative who opposes all taxes—even those funding firefighters, law enforcement officers, and parks—on principle. Because of this conventional wisdom, Dunn’s challengers have largely been long shots, dismissed with little institutional support or money.

But now Democrats think they have a chance at capturing Dunn’s seat, thanks to the changing demographics of the district and a challenger named Shari Song. Last year, the 9th District “voted for marriage equality, for Obama, and it’s pro-choice… and none of these are Reagan Dunn,” Song says. “The perception of this being a hardcore Republican district is wrong.”

Song has raised more than $143,000 to Dunn’s $293,000, and her relatively strong showing during the August primary has earned her a $2,000 pledge from state Democrats (who threw only $250 her way before the primary). “I don’t have a lot of money to donate to candidates, but she’s a hard worker and very impressive,” explains Washington State Democratic Party chair Dwight Pelz. “I think she’s got a shot.”

The Korean-born businesswoman’s decades of community advocacy have honed her for ofﬁce. It began, the mother of two says, over coffee-table talks with other parents in the 1990s. “I was hearing horror stories of children starting kindergarten not knowing a word of English,” she says. “Our kids weren’t prepared, culturally or linguistically.” So she started a bilingual preschool program to prepare them for

Can Two People Possess Two Ounces?

An Important Question

Regarding the World’s Largest Joint

BY BEN LIVINGSTON

eattle Hempfest organizers ejected a man who was trying to break the record for the world’s largest joint from their recent event. They say the man—who entered the park with a 20-foot-long piece of paper but no actual marijuana—would be breaking marijuana laws. Speciﬁcally, event organizers insisted,

kindergarten. Then in 1994, she joined Federal Way’s diversity commission, where she helped mediate between immigrant parents and their kids’ schools. Now Song serves on a number of advisory councils, including the Korean American Coalition, a nonproﬁt that encourages political involvement, and the Korean Advisory Council to the Seattle Police Department.

Song was compelled to challenge Dunn after his run for attorney general last year made damning headlines: For example, he had the council’s worst voting record, having missed a whopping 491 votes. Dunn eventually lost his attorney general bid by seven points. Worse, he barely carried his own district with only 51 percent of the vote, when typically, politicians

The district went for Obama and gay marriage last year.

running for statewide ofﬁce do much better in their own districts (even former 9th District council member and failed gubernatorial candidate Rob McKenna won more of the electorate last year, indicating that voters made a conscious choice to vote against Dunn).

However, in the August 6 primary election, Song earned just 35 percent of the vote to Dunn’s 55 percent. Dunn publicly called it a “convincing landslide primary victory” in a press release, but Song’s campaign says the primary numbers don’t tell the full story.

For one thing, the third-place contender in the primary ran as a Democrat, and those voters may gravitate to Song in November. Second, voter turnout was only 26 percent— in other words, a very conservative, old,

a group of people who combine more than an ounce of pot are breaking the state’s new pot law, which limits possession to one ounce.

I was curious about the claim: Are several people who collectively possess more than one ounce breaking state law? For example, can a married couple possess two ounces in the same house? Or in the same jar? What about a frat house with half a pound of weed among eight dudes? I asked Alison Holcomb, author of Initiative 502 and a criminal defense attorney, to weigh in.

Holcomb says the issue concerns a legal matter called “constructive possession,” in which a person can be held liable for property owned by others—for example, a person with keys to a neighbor’s car may be in constructive possession of that car. But to be charged for another person’s pot, one must “exert

white, Republican electorate. Song hopes the district’s diversity and younger Democratic voters will be better represented in the general election.

The district grew by more than 17 percent in the last decade, according to 2010 census records, making it the second-fastestgrowing district in the county. And in South King County, white populations dropped by 14 percent from 2002 to 2012, while those identifying as Asian, African American, Native American, and Hispanic jumped by 66 percent.

If Song were elected, it would create a six-person Democratic majority on the nominally nonpartisan King County Council, all but assuring that measures like tax increases to fund Metro buses and criminal justice services (cops, courts, and the prosecutors office) would pass. “I’d definitely work harder than the incumbent to fight for transportation packages,” Song says, noting that King County executive Dow Constantine and many council members made trips to Olympia to advocate for transportation taxing authority last year, while Dunn was notably absent.

And despite Dunn’s posturing, insiders say he’s sweating Song. “He’s lobbying council Democrats to get Shari to run for Marcie Maxwell’s recently vacated 41st Legislative District state house seat,” one person said on the condition of anonymity. “He’s told Dems that he’d get all the Republicans to vote for Shari, which is a sign that he’s taking her candidacy very seriously.”

Breaking news and bullshit chatter at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

control” over that pot, either physically— holding it—or by having ﬁnal say over what happens to it.

“As a married couple, Gregg and I have a very good understanding of what’s mine, what’s his, and what’s ours,” she explains, referring to her husband. “Neither of us exerts control over property that belongs to the other.”

Thus, under state law at least, spouses may possess one ounce per partner, as long as the ounces are not commingled and each partner doesn’t touch the other’s stash. The same goes for the frat boys, assuming they don’t mix their ounces in a giant frat-house weed jar.

So to comply with state law, keep your weed in separate jars, keep your hands off other people’s stashes—meaning don’t pass the pipe—and don’t roll joints heavier than an ounce.

SHARI SONG She’s got a shot.

SOURCES SAY

• A piece in the Seattle Times last Friday mocked Chelsea Manning for being transgender. Editorial board member Bruce Ramsey wrote that he “burst out laughing” when he saw a recent photo of Manning wearing lipstick and a wig. “Be all you can be, eh?” Ramsey goaded. After readers called the post bigoted, Ramsey clariﬁed: “I was not making fun of transgendered people.” Sorry, but laughing at a transgender person for the way she looks is making fun of a transgender person. Editorial page editor Kate Riley didn’t respond to three requests for comment. The Seattle Times remains unapologetic for its anti-transgender article.

• King County Superior Court judge Andrea Darvas has blocked an initiative seeking a $15 an hour minimum wage for airport workers, after invalidating the

The Seattle Times writer said, “I was not making fun of transgendered people.”

signatures of 61 registered voters who’d signed the petitions more than once. Contrary to standard elections practice, Judge Darvas struck the original signatures of these voters, as well as duplicates, leaving the initiative 17 signatures short of qualifying for the November ballot. The sponsors may get an additional 10 days to submit more signatures—stay tuned.

• A Clearwater, Florida, man denies he was threatening staff at Seattle’s 5 Point Cafe when he called to ask whether its new gun-free zone would stop someone from “coming in and shooting up the place.” Reached by phone, Daniel McMahon, 25, says his gun-rights advocacy stems from an incident near his home in which he says a man was stabbed, beaten, thrown in a dumpster, doused with gasoline, and set aﬁre. “I vowed I would never end up like that,” McMahon solemnly declared, as if being stabbed, beaten, and set aﬁre in a dumpster was a common occurrence.

• A lawsuit ﬁled on August 22 in Pierce County Superior Court accuses the Puyallup Police Department of discreetly ﬁlming select female detainees, and one man, as they changed clothes and went to the bathroom—acts that Seattle attorney James Egan, who’s representing 12 such videotaped plaintiffs in the complaint, characterizes as felony voyeurism. The Puyallup city attorney said the videos were selectively cherry-picked out of a broad records request that the attorney initiated.

• Fifty years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his “I Have a Dream” speech, a moment that looms so large in the popular imagination that it overshadows the economic demands speciﬁcally articulated by the organizers of the August 28, 1963, March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, including a $2 an hour minimum wage. Adjusted for inﬂation, $2 would be worth $15.27 today, meaning that in a very real historical sense, one of the core demands underlying King’s famous speech was a $15 an hour minimum wage

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Fast Food Strike!

The Horror Stories, the National Walkout August 29, and the Movement to Include Corporate Baristas in the Fight

BY ANNA MINARD, GOLDY, CALLAN BERRY, DOMINIC HOLDEN, AND CIENNA MADRID

Two hundred fast-food workers in New York City walked off the counter in a one-day strike last November, in some cases joining picket lines on the sidewalks in front of the restaurants. They were asking employers for a wage they could live on—$15 an hour—along with the right to organize. They walked out again in April, doubling their numbers. Soon, workers in Chicago were walking out. Then Saint Louis. Then Detroit. By May 30, Seattle was the seventh city to join the wave.

Seattle’s strike was extraordinarily successful: Rather than employees leaving while the restaurants remained open, at least eight—and as many as 14—restaurants had to shut down completely. Then on August 1, eight people were arrested demonstrating in front of a McDonald’s downtown.

If there is a ground-game battle under way in America between the low-wage worker and the corporate fat cat, this is it. Last year, McDonald’s reported $5.5 billion in profits; Burger King profited $652 million; and Taco Bell’s parent company, which also owns Pizza Hut and KFC, reported a 73 percent growth in profits for a $458 million haul.

If just a fraction of those proﬁts were used to pay better wages, workers could each make thousands of dollars more a year. But in reality, workers say their wages and hours are still too low to cover basic living expenses.

So this week, organizers are supersizing their plans: On Thursday, August 29, they’re calling for a national strike of low-wage workers. Speciﬁcally, says Caroline Durocher, who was the very ﬁrst striking worker locally, they are also asking “coffee workers in Seattle to walk off their jobs to demand a fair wage.”

Catch that, Emerald City?

They’re asking your barista to walk off the job—equating corporate coffee giants like

Starbucks (which proﬁted $2 billion last year) to fast-food behemoths like McDonald’s, Burger King, and Taco Bell.

There are 33,000 fast-food workers in the Seattle region, according to federal statistics that were mined by pro-labor group Working Washington, which is helping organize the strikes with other labor-backed groups. That number grows when you factor in coffee workers. But the long-range goal is to incorporate low-wage workers from sectors outside the fast-food industry, says Working Washington spokesman Sage Wilson, “and baristas are one of them.”

Horror Stories

Last week, 21-year-old barista Coulson Loptmann was ﬁred from a downtown Starbucks where he’d worked for more than a year. The

Loptmann, his manager sat him down a week later and told him she’d found out about the sandwich and contacted HR, “and they consider it stealing, and it’s against policy.” She ﬁred him on the spot.

Starbucks spokesman Zack Hutson says that while they can’t comment on individual employees for privacy reasons, he can conﬁrm that “it is a violation of our policy to consume marked-out products” because of food-safety issues. Could someone be ﬁred for breaking the policy? “In general,” says Hutson, “a partner would not be separated for a single, minor infraction like violating this policy. However, a partner could be separated for an infraction like this if it was the culmination of broader, ongoing performance issues.”

In other words: Yes, Starbucks could ﬁre an employee on food stamps for hunting through the trash for food. For his part, Loptmann says he didn’t have any “ongoing performance issues” he can think of.

Starbucks ﬁ red the employee on food stamps after he ate a breakfast sandwich out of the garbage.

reason? He ate a sandwich that had been thrown away, he says. No, really. Like most cafes, the coffee giant gets rid of food that has expired; they donate what they can and toss the more perishable items.

Loptmann, who says he couldn’t get enough hours to pay the bills and survives partly on his food stamps, explains, “I hadn’t eaten all day and I was on a seven-hour shift.” A coworker had just marked some breakfast sandwiches out of stock, and he ﬁgured no one would mind if he grabbed one of the plastic-wrapped sausage sandwiches out of the trash can.

But Starbucks did mind. According to

He’s looking for another job.

Meanwhile, Jason Harvey, a 42-year-old who works at a local Burger King, says he plans to join the strike because he’s seen colleagues become victims of wage theft, slashed hours, and an overall “lack of respect.” Despite a two-year-old city law that prohibits wage theft, and dozens of wage-theft reports, the city has never prosecuted an employer for the crime.

In the 20 years he’s worked in fast food, the navy veteran says salaries stagnated while the cost of living skyrocketed. “What we’re making, it’s not enough. Nearly everything in my life is subsidized, and I believe that the way to rectify that is by raising the minimum wage,” Harvey says.

There is also 19-year-old Troy Dennison, who rides a delivery bike for Jimmy John’s.

He’s been hit by two cars during his year on the job, yet until four months ago, he was uninsured by his employer. “Luckily, I didn’t get too seriously injured,” Dennison says. (In 2011, a driver killed a Jimmy John’s delivery biker in the University District). Dennison is striking for the right to organize for better “hours and wages and safety,” he says. “If a few people complain, well, that’s just a few people [managers] can get rid of. With a union, they’re forced to listen to the concerns of a mass group of people.”

The Budget They Live On

Last month, the internet was agog when a “Sample Monthly Budget” that McDonald’s gives its employees was uncovered. In one section, the budget shows an employee’s income, and in another section, it shows the employee’s expenses. The budget is supposed to show you how to afford a normal life on a fast-food worker’s wages. Instead, it shows you can’t actually live on those wages at all. If you want to make the prescribed $2,060 monthly income—the amount needed to cover basic expenses—you need to raise nearly half of that from a second job, the budget says. When it comes to expenses: The budget doesn’t have a line for food costs, it assumes you pay for magically affordable health care that costs only $20 a month, and there are no expenses at all for heating (they’ve since changed it to $50). This budget is divorced from reality. It also suggests that covering your bills requires working 75 hours a week, but the truth is, most fast-food workers can’t get full-time hours in the ﬁrst place—restaurants routinely schedule people just under the threshold for beneﬁts (less than 30 hours per week). So even two typical fast-food jobs wouldn’t total 75 hours a week.

Fast-food workers laugh at the McDonald’s budget—which suggests workers save

$100 month. “I’m borrowing money every month,” says Ryan Parker, who works night shifts at Wendy’s for about $500 a paycheck. Does he have some of that $20 health insurance? “No, but I do have a temperature of 101 right now,” he tells us, having returned from an ER visit for pneumonia the day before.

Penciling out real fast-food workers’ budgets is telling. The workers we talked to end up with around $15 to $20 a day to cover all their basics (clothing, meals, shampoo, medication, bus fare, and everything else). “Managing your money can be simple,” chirps McDonald’s website. Maybe that’s true—the complicated part is deciding what basic needs go unmet each day. Medicine or dinner?

Corporate Baristas vs. Indie Baristas

One question is whether baristas will actually walk out on the job like their cohorts at Subway or Taco Bell. Another is whether baristas truly are low-wage workers. That depends on where they brew—and, more speciﬁcally, on their tips.

Lots of independent coffee shops welcome a tipping culture (a dollar per drink is the civic custom), but not at corporate chains. At Starbucks, for example, while there is a small tip cup, the credit card slips don’t include a line for gratuity.

Of the many baristas we interviewed, it seemed the only ones making a solid living wage were those working at busy, independent coffee shops. Most of them insisted on remaining anonymous. One such barista at a bigname indie cafe said tips can make up about half their income. Another employee from a high-end regional chain— who’s been a barista for ﬁve months—said his wage could be as high as $17 an hour.

Not bad.

But corporate baristas are in more dire straits. Larry has worked at Starbucks for ﬁve years, he says. He makes around $600 a paycheck working 32 hours a week—close to minimum wage. Add on about two extra dollars per hour in tips—which can vary—and he’s earning about $12 an hour. Larry says he lives with his parents and pays a few bills to help out. Likewise, another barista working for a midsize corporation says he makes only $15 in tips all week.

alone. New York Communities for Change, the coalition behind the nation’s ﬁrst oneday fast-food walkout, receives funding and assistance from the Service Employees International Union (SEIU), while Working Washington—another SEIU-funded community group—played a crucial role in organizing and promoting Seattle’s extraordinarily successful May 30 strike.

So what’s in it for unions in general, and SEIU in particular?

“The real prize here is $15 an hour,” says SEIU Healthcare 775NW president David Rolf.

SEIU 775NW represents home health-care workers who earn between $11 and $15 an hour, and Rolf acknowledges that a $15 an hour fastfood wage would surely provide upward pressure on the wages of his union’s members. But SEIU has its eyes on a much bigger picture.

“We have a state-of-the-art labor law system for the economy circa 1935,” bemoans Rolf. “What labor needs now is an era of risktaking and experimentation in search of new and better models.”

Part of those new models, paradoxically, may be returning to classic strike tactics used by workers a century ago, says Bob Brock, an organizer for the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. “It’s not different than how people organized for the eight-hour workday,” he says.

Direct action can also breathe life into demoralized workforces after the National Labor Relations Board has proven toothless, and many workers are at the mercy of employers, Brock says. For example, he

THURS AUG 29 WALKOUT

What Workers Want

• A $15 minimum wage: Our state’s current minimum wage is $9.19 an hour.

• Better conditions: Workers want better enforcement of laws that prohibit wage theft and grant sick leave. They also want more predictable hours and stable schedules.

• The right to organize: Unionizing is not feasible in many places (franchise owners, not corporations, tend to be the direct employers). But still, workers want to form organizations of fast-food employees without fear of being ﬁred, demoted, or otherwise punished.

Bottom line? Working at a corporate coffee shop isn’t far off from working fast food. And like with fast-food giants, the money ﬂows up. Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz’s salary increased by 80 percent this year— he’s now making $28.9 million annually.

What’s in It for the Unions?

It would be wrong to characterize the fastfood strikes as anything but a grassroots movement. Still, the strikers aren’t doing it

represents satellite-dish installers who are sometimes paid less than it costs them to drive to job sites on their own dime, so they lose money doing their jobs. Their complaints have gone nowhere. Fast-food walkouts “give them hope, for one,” he says.

Mostly, a victory by such infamously powerless workers would prove an inspiration to union and nonunion workers alike. “If these workers can show workers around the country a path to a better life based on struggle, they will become heroes,” says Rolf.

KSHAMA SAWANT The city council candidate has been standing with the striking fast-food workers since May. Last week, we interviewed her over lunch at McDonald’s. KELLY

Kshama Sawant Goes to McDonald’s

No candidate has been a louder, more stalwart advocate for workers’ rights than socialist Kshama Sawant, who is running for Seattle City Council. Sawant has been campaigning for a $15 an hour minimum wage since before it was cool, and she’s marched with striking fast-food workers since May.

So naturally, we took her to McDonald’s.

“No corporation is going to give in to the $15 an hour demand” without “mass mobilizations,” Sawant explained as we stood in line waiting to order. “Fifteen dollars an hour is a big leap, but it is a realistic, tangible improvement of the standard of living for workers who are stuck in low-wage jobs with no way out.”

Okay, sure. But more importantly, what was she having for lunch?

“I’ve heard the coffee is good,” Sawant offered.

She was clearly not coming off as the McDonald’s expert she had presented herself to be.

When we got to the counter, Sawant stepped in it even worse, attempting to order a nonexistent “veggie burger” before ending up with a veggie wrap and a mocha.

While Sawant was totally out of touch with the McDonald’s menu, she turned out to be eerily in sync with their employees.

While attempting to radicalize our cashier, Sawant asked how long she’d been working at McDonald’s.

“Forever,” our cashier sighed before echoing Sawant’s prior comments in broken English: “I stuck here.”

Sawant teased out the details: nine years stuck in the same part-time job, earning minimum wage on only four shifts a week.

Sawant described her veggie wrap as “quite good,” and the same could be said for the coffee. But the working conditions of McDonald’s employees left a bitter taste in our mouths.

What Do the Companies Say?

We tried to reach McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, Subway, and Wendy’s. None of them would comment. But while they were silent, Anthony Anton, president and CEO of the Washington Restaurant Association, was surprisingly candid.

Anton said that fast-food jobs were never designed to be permanent employment for family breadwinners. But as the economy has changed, manufacturing jobs that used to pay a living wage have vanished, while jobs in the growing fast-food industry were “not intended to replace lost manufacturing jobs.”

When it comes to striking workers, he said, “I’m very sympathetic to people who are seeking to pursue a better life… [and] we support the right of workers to express where they’re at with their lives. We understand they want better.”

But he’s not about to endorse their call for a $15 minimum wage. Anton said that after Washington State raised the minimum wage in 1999, the WRA saw some changes in the industry. Restaurants have three fewer employees per restaurant than the national average, he said. Anton says the average restaurant margin is only 4 percent, and the failure rate is around 50 percent every ﬁve years.

Just like in 1998, restaurateurs argue that a higher minimum wage could cause them to hire fewer workers and put some places right out of business.

What does Starbucks think of the protests? “We support the intent of various efforts to ensure that working Americans earn a decent and competitive wage,” says Starbucks talking-point dispenser Hutson. At the same time, he acknowledges that raising the minimum wage would have “potential impact to businesses.”

“Suck

Proust.

—GARY SHTEYNGART

(9/5) Mercedes Nicole presents A Tribute to Nina Simone

(9/5) Christopher Parker with David Domke: ‘Change They Can’t Believe In’

(9/6) Q Youth Resources presents A Night Celebrating Love, with Mary Lambert

(9/6) Aaron Hirsh Saving the Sea of Cortez

(9/9) Ramez Naam Can Innovation Save the Planet?

(9/9) Katie Hafner ‘Mother Daughter Me’

(9/10) Jamie Ford ‘Songs of Willow Frost’

(9/10) Inside Art Why Do We Make Things?

(9/11) Indefinite Detention without Due Process

(9/12) YES! Magazine presents Vandana Shiva The Future of Local Food

(9/13) David Montgomery A Geological Perspective on Noah’s Flood

(9/13) Vedic Education & Development Academy presents Grand Violin Duo

(9/16) Erik Assadourian & Annie Leonard with Chip Giller: Is Sustainability Still Possible?

(9/16) Amanda Lindhout ‘A House in the Sky’

(9/17) Standardized Testing in Our Public Schools

(9/17) Gabor Zovanyi ‘The No-Growth Imperative’ (9/18) A. Scott Berg A Biography of Woodrow Wilson

JONATHAN

Dissident

Thursday,

Tickets

STRANGER SUGGESTS

Mediterranean Kitchen GARLIC

Lebanese chef Kamal Aboul-Hosn has been serving Middle Eastern food in Seattle for more than 30 years. He and his wife, Ghada, are ﬁrm devotees of garlic, and it shows in their cooking. Everything is made in-house, and they earnestly check in on your enjoyment of the meal. Their falafel is moist and perfect. Also delicious is the zahrah, fried cauliﬂower in a rich tahini sauce. The specialty of the house is the Farmer’s Dish, chicken wings marinated in spices for 24 hours, charbroiled, and topped with a lemon garlic sauce. Eating garlic is good for your health! (Mediterranean Kitchen, 1009 Boren Ave, mediterraneankitchenseattle.com, 11 am–8:30 pm) GILLIAN ANDERSON

‘Vigil’ ART

Days before irreplaceable businesses like Bauhaus cafe must vacate for developers to get to work, the walls of the great temporary arts space LoveCityLove will be jam-packed with works inspired by memories made on this block at Melrose and Pine. What hasn’t happened there? The visual artists include Kelly O, Derek Erdman, Emily Pothast, Paul Komada, Susan Robb, Megumi Arai, Nate Steigenga, Kat Larson, and Ryan Fedyk—plus around 100 more—and the extraordinary writers Sarah Galvin, Maged Zaher, and Rich Smith will read. Read, weep, romanticize, wish. It’s another day on Capitol Hill in 2013. (LoveCityLove, 1530 Melrose Ave, vignettes.us, 4 pm–2 am, free) JEN GRAVES

$3 Martinis at Vito’s

BOOZE Happy birthday, Vito’s! You’re 60 years old now, and looking more old-school Italiano-fabulous than ever after your 2010 ﬁxing-up by Hideout/Vital 5 maestro Greg Lundgren. And you’re the kind of stand-up place that gives us a present for your birthday—namely, $3 martinis (Gordon’s gin, Wodka vodka) to enjoy at your horseshoe-shaped bar or in your cushy vinyl booths through the end of August (we will hurry!). Then in September, you’re giving us $5 plates of spaghetti. Thanks, Vito’s, and salute! (Vito’s, 927 Ninth Ave, vitosseattle.com, 4 pm–2 am) BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Demo Derby and Figure-8 Racing

Pete Swanson

As half of Yellow Swans, Pete Swanson helped forge a craggy discography of fearsomely articulated, mind-expanding noise. Now solo, Swanson has retained his discordant tendencies, but he’s added a more robust rhythmic dimension to his tracks. That tactical shift blossoms with frightening intensity on his latest release, Punk Authority Swanson combines ﬁlthily distorted, grinding synth tones with splenetic beats that push the meter well into the red. Dance the apocalypse, brothers and sisters. (Lo-Fi Performance Gallery, 429 Eastlake Ave E, theloﬁ.net, 9 pm, $5 before 10 pm/$10 after, 21+) DAVE SEGAL

Richard Chiem BOOKS

Not many small-press books go into second printings, but Richard Chiem’s story collection You Private Person isn’t just any small-press book. Chiem writes in plain language that quivers with a slight magical jolt; a woman who walks through baggage claim is “still feeling the ghost of the airplane vibrating all around her.” To celebrate his book’s renewed life, Chiem is joined by poet Rauan Klassnik and author Willie Fitzgerald (cofounder of the Stranger Genius Award–nominated APRIL Festival), making this evening a buffet line of talented young literary men. (Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, elliottbaybook.com, 7 pm, free) PAUL CONSTANT

Superchunk

MUSIC

This is one of those most-bang-for-your-buck nights at the Evergreen Speedway, not unlike ordering an appetizer sampler at Applebee’s (mozzarella sticks, spinach dip, a quesadilla, AND hot wings!). Not only do you get the big-bruiser, large-car demo derby, there’s a powder-puff demo derby, stock car figure-8 and stinger-8 racing, fireworks, and Mr. Dizzy. The latter you CANNOT MISS. Last time I saw a Mr. Dizzy stunt show, a guy on a motorcycle drove through a wall of fire. Another man sat inside a car while it was blown to bits with dynamite and then walked away. It should also be noted that this man was on fire. (Evergreen Speedway, 14405 179th Ave SE, Monroe, evergreenspeedway.com, 6 pm, $16) KELLY O

Of all the very cool musicians playing Bumbershoot this year—the Breeders! Heart! The Zombies! Bob Mould!—I am most excited for Superchunk, the North Carolina–based, guitar-blasting rock band that has been making music that pings the sensitive parts of my heart for 25 years. Despite the band being old enough to rent a car, I’ve never seen them. (Not that I’ve had many chances—their last Seattle show was ﬁve years ago.) They’ll give some attention to their new record, I Hate Music, but the band also knows many fans have been in it for the long haul, so the set list is sure to touch on classics, too. (Seattle Center, Fountain Lawn Stage, bumbershoot.strangertickets.com, 7 pm, all ages) MEGAN SELING

‘I Declare War’ FILM

A group of 12-year-olds play war in the neighborhood woods. Though they brandish toy guns and sticks, we see things from their point of view, where bullets and mortars rain havoc all around. Over the course of a hot summer afternoon, jealousy and betrayal lead to a Lord of the Flies–style confrontation. This Canadian indie film, cast with unknown tweens, skips the satire (unlike, say, Bugsy Malone) and treats the emotions, conflicts, and motives of its kids as serious drama. Bullying, teen crushes, and misguided loyalty are all part of the mix as war and adolescence prove to be a unique kind of hell. (See Movie Times: thestranger.com/film) JEFF MEYERS

ARTS

THEATER

Bros in a Boat

Two Guys Adrift at Sea Plan an Epic Disaster Movie

BY BRENDAN KILEY

AREVIEW The Raft Rock Paper Theater at Theater 4 Through Sept 14

s young white guys Davey and Duck try to come to grips with the fact that they’re lost in the ocean in an inflatable raft, and that a rogue wave probably killed everyone else on the pleasure boat they were on, they start with an attitude of callow American optimism. They reckon they’ll be fine with a few small bottles of water, a few packets of emergency food, and the assuredness that someone will notice their absence soon. Plus, they have a fishing line, even if they’re lacking bait. “We didn’t catch anything all week,” Duck (Ryan Sanders) says doubtfully. Davey (Mike Mathieu) crows back, “So we’re due!” The basic tension is established: We know these goofballs might be dead within days, even if they don’t.

To pass the time, they invent Hollywood blockbusters, including Nightswimmers (a mermaid-themed Twilight rip-off) and Reactor Pulse (a disaster movie starring Matt Damon). By negotiating the plots, they negotiate their larger relationship and the things they don’t talk about. Both agree that the Damon character should be married and having an

We know these goofballs might be dead within days.

affair, for example, but Duck wants it to be a homosexual affair, because maybe the character has some deep and mixed-up feelings he just can’t explain to his friends and family. The swaggering, girlfriend-stealing Davey asks if Duck (the shier and more sensitive of the two) is trying to tell him something. Duck shrugs off the question.

As their food and water run lower, and as

they start to blister in the sun, they begin to approach bald honesty—revisiting and apologizing for past wrongs, etc.—but never quite get all the way there. Even their life-anddeath decisions, like who’ll get the last of the rations, involve dissembling, some of it noble and some of it selﬁsh.

Setting a two-character drama in an inflatable raft sitting motionless on a stage is a theatrically risky maneuver, as is Mathieu and Sanders’s decision to direct themselves. (Though both have some success with selfdirection—Mathieu as one half of the Stranger Genius Award–winning duo the Cody Rivers Show and Sanders as part of the sketchcomedy group Ubiquitous They.) As a result, The Raft suffers from some moments of static dullness. But the way Davey and Duck keep dancing around their feelings, and the strong visual images of the movies they’re inventing—earthquakes, car wrecks, fistfights— keep the show afloat.

BOOKS

More There Than Here

The Beautiful Accidents That Power Richard Chiem’s Book

BY PAUL CONSTANT

The thing about Richard Chiem’s short stories is that occasionally a sentence will just jump off the page and waggle in front of your eyes for a while, daring you to remember the last time you read something so packed with meaning. In his book You Private Person (Scrambler Books, $12), there’s one line in a story called “Animal” about a boxer, mid-fight, fantasizing about what his girlfriend is doing. He “wonders if Sam is at home watching the fight, if she is sitting down or walking around eating food listening to the fight.” Then, Chiem writes, “He is more there than he is here even when he gets up and walks to the middle of everything.”

Something about the rhythm of the sentence, the “there” then “here” then “everything,” without any mitigating commas slopping things up in between, fuses this sentence into something pristine. It’s as though the other sentences are built around this sentence on delicate latticework, that this sentence is the engine that provides the energy for the rest of the story.

Chiem’s language is just like that— stripped-down and descriptive, as is the style with the young vanguard of literary authors, without ornamental punctuation or authorial intrusion or expository (in the words of the late, great Elmore Leonard) hooptedoodle. Also in line with authors like Tao Lin and Chelsea Martin and Marie Calloway, many of these stories are interested in relationships and feel, at least partially, autobiographical. Here’s a passage from “How to Survive a Car Accident”:

Crash with the momentum of the cabin and everything behind you. Close your eyes. Duck somehow. The roof above you caves down and down again. The noise is tremendous. Glass shatters and rains in small bits and pieces and falls on top of yours [sic] and your friends’ jeans.

LOOSE LIPS

• There’s no other way to say it: The Lo-Fi Arts Festival at Smoke Farm over the weekend was disappointing. And expensive. And soggy. And mosquito-besieged. It wouldn’t have mattered that it cost $30 to get in (plus $20 per car), or that it rained a little bit in the morning, or that the mosquitoes were chomping right through bug spray, if the art had been good, but alas, it wasn’t. Recalling previous incarnations of the Lo-Fi Arts Festival induced utter sadness—performers like Zoe Scoﬁeld and Implied Violence have made pieces that burned themselves onto people’s brains in that environment. Nothing of that caliber happened this year, and the curation team walking around bragging about how awesome the curation team was didn’t help matters. (Organizers note that the ticket price was lower than last year, no one gets paid, and proceeds go to Smoke Farm.) Children seemed to be loving it, though. After one embarrassing piece, we overheard a mom in a neighboring area instructing her kids: “Clap for our neighbor! Yay for our neighbor!” This caused someone to wonder aloud if they should rename it the Yay for Our Neighbor Arts Festival.

• Some news leaked last weekend from Salinger, the much-anticipated J. D. Salinger biography coauthored by UW professor David Shields: At least ﬁve new books by Salinger are scheduled to be published starting in 2015. A new World War II–era photo of the reclusive author, uncovered during research for the book, was also published online. The young, smiling Salinger, lounging on a Jeep during the liberation of Paris, looks positively hunky Salinger will be released on September 3.

PREVIEW Richard Chiem, Rauan Klassnik, Willie Fitzgerald Sat Aug 31, Elliott Bay Book Company, 7 pm, free

One of the three sentences in Chiem’s author bio at the end of Person reads, “In 2008, he survived a car accident.” And that sudden violence rings like a chorus underneath the language of Person, like a small child repeating a scary story over and over again in order to try to understand it. This recurring threat of violence—occasional references to hungry animals or house fires or bullet wounds—gives the rest of the language a clinging urgency, a desire to make everything count more. Still, the book suffers from a lack of editing. On page 11, this whopper sticks out like a Band-Aid in a bowl of soup: “There is permission from the hire ups to give an autopsy and information later unveils that the man had died of three natural causes.” I can find almost nothing right about that sentence (if you don’t follow, try reading it aloud). That’s the most glaring example, but the rest of Person still needs a good editor to fix its errors and ratchet the language down flat. Chiem’s accidents are too beautiful, and too perfect, to fall prey to mistakes.

• Seattle artist Ruthie V. will paint your portrait as part of her great show at Shift Studio (south side of the TK Building in Pioneer Square). Originally, the portraits were free, but the overwhelming response meant she had to try to slow it down with a $25 fee: She’s done dozens so far. The watercolors, as Jen Graves wrote recently, magically contain exactly “the minimum number of strokes possible to transfer this human to this paper.” Bring your father, mother, and brother, and you can end up with a family portrait; after the show ends on August 31, you get to take it home. Also: Don’t miss her painting of a dog, with a series of improbable brush strokes adding up to exactly fur

• This week, playwright Paul Mullin, winner of a Stranger Genius Award in 2008, announced he has finished his final fulllength script, Philosophical Zombie Killers, which will have a reading on September 14 at Freehold Theater. “The day after this reading,” he wrote on his blog Just Wrought, “I will officially step away from the theater” to work on other unspecified projects. “I have no plans to return.”

• ACT Theater has begun selling all its day-of tickets as pay-what-you-can. ACT spokesperson Mark Siano says the program has worked, with the average person paying $15 (though some pay as much as $100) and an average of 400 PWYC attendees per production. “The patron base for PWYC,” he wrote in an e-mail, “are artists and patrons who have no history of fullprice purchases (i.e., they cannot/will not pay regular prices).”

JUSTIN WOOD

THE RAFT Dudes adrift, in more ways than one.

Museums

SEATTLE ART MUSEUM

Fashion blockbuster! Future Beauty is three decades of design from the country that’s had the single greatest influence on experimental world fashion during that period: Japan. You’ll see 80 gowns, by creators from Issey Miyake, Rei Kawakubo, and Yohji Yamamoto to Junya Watanabe, plus videos of runway shows, photographs, and ephemera made in response by contemporary artists like Cindy Sherman. The only question is: What will you wear? $17. WedSun. Through Sept 8. 1300 First Ave, 625-8900.

SEATTLE ASIAN

ART MUSEUM

Hometown Boy: Liu Xiaodong

is a series of portraits and stilllifes from the everyday views of a Chinese artist who has been part of the rise of Chinese alternative culture since the 1980s, both in art and independent film, and who shows all over the world, including currently in Mind-Beating , a stark and moving collateral exhibition to the Venice Biennale. His life— he left his small town at 17 to study art in the rapidly morphing Beijing—was the subject of 2011’s documentary Still-Life Through Jun 29. China: The Fuller Version – Part One: To celebrate SAM’s 80th birthday, the museum has organized a definitive exhibition of Chinese masterpieces intended to detail the evolution of the museum’s collection over time, originated in the early part of the 20th century by Asian art scholar and collector Richard Fuller. $7 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jun 30. 1400 E Prospect St, 654-3100.

WING LUKE MUSEUM

War Baby/Love Child: Mixed Race Asian American Art is a traveling exhibition of 19 artists across the spans of their careers—some famous, some not—working in traditional media as well as video, installation, and “other approaches,” considering everything from US wars in Asia to transracial adoption and, more generally, the racialization of humans. $12.95. Tues-Sun. Through Jan 19. 719 S King St, 623-5124.

Gallery

Openings

CORNISH ALUMNI

GALLERY

Painted, sculpted, and photographic portraits by alumni from 1991 to 2013. Free. Mon-Fri. Through Oct 4. 1000 Lenora St, 3rd Fl 726-5011.

LTD. ART GALLERY

Press Start… to Continue: Top game artists mix old and new at the gallery’s second annual video game art show. Free. TuesSun. Through Sept 28. 307 E Pike St

Continuing Exhibitions

GREG KUCERA GALLERY

An American Knockoff : The masterly Roger Shimomura blends traditional Japanese and contemporary American styles (specifically comic art) in both technique and concept. Léon Guyer : Guyer’s drawings are about as unimposing as you can imagine, and there is something very pleasing about that. Lynne Woods Turner : These paintings and drawings are so faint that they are hardly there at all, forcing the eye into action and discovery. Free. Tues-Sat. Through Sept 28. 212 Third Ave S, 624-0770.

MIA GALLERY

The photographs of Fabrice Monteiro (based in Dakar) and Jim Naughten (working in Southern Africa) show Africans responding to the forces of colonialization through clothing, brightly. Tues-Sun. Through Aug 30. 1203A 2nd Ave 467-4927.

TRAVER GALLERY

Teeny rooms by Rick Araluce, also a scenic designer for Seattle Opera, leave you haunted and fascinated, while glass screens by Dick Weiss are

transparent even where they’re not—it’s all on the surface. With glass sculptures by John Kiley. Tues-Sun. Through Sept 1. 110 Union St #200, 587-6501.

Events

BUMBERSHOOT

VISUAL ARTS

Last year’s art shows at Bumbershoot were so much better than years prior that it’s worth a reminder that they exist— highlights this year are video and performances from Reel Grrls, a fashion exhibition on African and Korean influences, and machine art that may be homicidal, suicidal, or just interactive. (We cannot whatsoever promise that these alone will be worth Bumbershoot’s $60 entry fee.) Seattle Center, 305 Harrison St, 684-7200. $60 entry to Bumbershoot. 11 am-8 pm Fri Aug 30-Mon Sept 2. AN EXPERIE NCE: SCULPTURE IN THE LANDSCAPE

The Bloedel Reserve is a great big kempt landscape on Bainbridge Island. There’s a long, haunting reflecting pool, and a Japanese garden, and a mansion where nobody lives anymore with a pond that a husband once gave a wife for Christmas or her birthday; it’s hard to remember which. These are some of the more picturesque aftereffects of the Bloedel lumber dynasty. In honor of the publicly accessible garden’s 25th anniversary, it’s invited a Northwest artist to display new work there for the first time. Julie Speidel has strewn 12 sculptures across the gardens and waters like clues to a mystery it’s up to you to figure out. Bloedel Reserve 7571 NE Dolphin Dr, 842-7631. $13. Tues-Sun. Through Oct 13.

visualart@thestranger.com

READINGS

Wed 8/28

ERIN COOPEY

The Kitchen Pantry Cookbook is a book by a local author that provides more than 90 recipes for staples that people often buy in stores like mayonnaise, ketchup, salad dressings, and more. The Book Larder, 4252 Fremont Ave N, 397-4271. Free. 6:30 pm.

JOHN “JT THE BRICK” TOURNOUR

Apparently, “sports talk radio listeners know [John Tournour] as JT the Brick.” His memoir is about how he went from a stockbroker to a talk radio host, and it’s also about his mentor’s battle with cancer. University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

Thurs 8/29

APRIL SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER Fancy poetry author Zachary Schomburg will make the case that any sort of writing can be a beach read, blockbuster-y type book. This reading will be accompanied by new work from video artist Dakota Gearhart and beer (ticket prices vary depending on how much beer you’d like; the standard ticket gets you two cups, but there’s a golden, refillable cup, too). Oh, and a screening of Jaws which is billed as the first summer blockbuster, and which is definitely still one of the best summer blockbusters. Conceived and produced by 2013 Genius Award–nominated APRIL Festival, this could be the best literary event of the week. Northwest Film Forum, 1515 12th Ave, 267-5380. $8-$24. 7 pm.

HELEN JENNINGS, EMIKA ALAMS Jennings, the author of New African Fashion , will talk onstage with the style editor for Seattle Metropolitan Magazine and Alams, who is the person behind the fashion label Gold Coast Trading Co. Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

PATRICK ROTHFUSS Press materials call Rothfuss “a new American master of the

we recommend

fantasy genre.” He’ll appear with fantasy authors Terry Brooks, Peter Orullian, and Shawn Speakman. University Book Store 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

Fri 8/30

BUMBERSHOOT

Featured performers at the Words & Ideas portion of this year’s Bumbershoot include the writing staff of Parks and Recreation , a Fantagraphics panel including Stranger Geniuses Jim Woodring and Ellen Forney, a pot-themed book reading, a discussion about strong female role models, and a satirical take on TED Talks from The Stranger and Intiman Theater. This event goes all weekend long; check The Stranger’s Bumbershoot guide for more information. Seattle Center 305 Harrison St, 6847200. Free. 7 pm.

DAVID EWALT

As part of PAX, the enormous gaming convention happening in Seattle this weekend, Ewalt will read from his new book, Of Dice and Men: The Story of Dungeons & Dragons and the People Who Play It Elliott Bay Book Company 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

Sat 8/31

RICHARD CHIEM, RAUAN KLASSNIK, WILLIE FITZGERALD

See review, facing page. Not many small-press books go into second printings, but Richard Chiem’s story collection You Private Person isn’t just any small-press book. Chiem writes in plain language that quivers with a slight magical jolt; a woman who walks through baggage claim is “still feeling the ghost of the airplane vibrating all around her.” To celebrate his book’s renewed life, Chiem is joined by poet Rauan Klassnik and author Willie Fitzgerald (cofounder of the Stranger Genius Award–nominated APRIL Festival), making this evening a buffet line of talented young literary men. Elliott Bay Book Company 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

Tues 9/3

MARK ROSENBERG

The author of Eating My Feelings: Tales of Overeating, Underperforming and Coping with My Crazy Family will probably overshare at this event. Elliott Bay Book Company 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

readings@thestranger.com

THEATER

Opening and Current Runs

THE BURL-X-FILES: THE TRUTH IS DOWN THERE X-Files inspired burlesque. Theater Off Jackson , 409 Seventh Ave S, 340-1049. brownpapertickets.com. $20$35. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm. Through Aug 31.

THE HALF BROTHERS BRAND OLD-TIME VARIETY SHOW

“The Half Brothers are a neobluegrass trio with deep roots in Seattle’s fringe-theater scene. The Half Brothers Brand OldTime Variety Show is their first full-length theater project, which begins as a mild parody of old-fashioned, advertisersponsored radio shows. But things get more interesting as the show progresses. The announcer cheerfully reads off increasingly sinister corporate sponsors and slogans—’Where results are only part of our business’—and the songs take a hard left turn from goofball throwbacks to harrowing contemporary subjects. David Nixon and his banjo, for example, lead a haunting bluegrass ballad about home ownership: ‘I’ve never felt more American than when my debt keeps me up at night.’ The cast comes alive—with a sharp, mournful, Chaplin-esque comedy—when they quit making fun

of old-timey clichés and start wrestling with what actually scares them.” (Brendan Kiley) Annex Theater, 1100 E Pike St, annextheatre.org. $5-$10. Fri-Sat at 11 pm. Through Aug 30.

THE MERCHANT OF VENICE

An experimental retelling of the Shakespeare drama that begins on the first day of a company rehearsing the text. Quiet Theater at Broadway Performance Hall 1625 Broadway, 325-3113. ThursSun at 7:30 pm. Through Aug 31.

THE RAFT

See review, facing page. Theater 4 Seattle Center House, 4th Floor, 305 Harrison St. rockpapertheater.com. $10. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through Sept 14.

THE REALM OF WHISPERING GHOSTS: IF TRUMAN MET EINSTEIN

This play reimagines nuclear history in a world where Albert Einstein met and counseled Harry Truman. Directed by Arne Zaslove. Seattle Public Theater, 7312 W Green Lake Dr N, 524-1300. brownpapertickets.com. $10-$20. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 and 7:30 pm. Through Sept 15.

THE SERVANT OF TWO MASTERS

A silly servant gets a ridiculous idea into his head: Work for two masters and receive two wages!

Those of us currently employing the same occupational contrivance will undoubtedly relate to the folly that results. This is the Yale Repertory Theater’s production, directed by Christopher Bayes. Seattle Repertory Theater, 155 Mercer St, Seattle Center, 443-2222. seattlerep. org. Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, FriSat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 and 7:30 pm. Through Oct 20.

WAITING FOR GODOT

“A young company called Arts on the Waterfront is performing on a downtown pier, reimagining Vladimir and Estragon as homeless crusty punks. The actors stick to the original text, but they are young and don’t wear the required bowler hats.

That, explained AOTW artistic director Mickey Rowe, is in direct violation of the wishes of the Samuel Beckett estate. But the company doesn’t want to produce another spare, theaterin-a-vacuum-style performs on the waterfront because it wants to absorb all the energy, noise, and chaos of the city. Its website credits ‘the city of Seattle and sunset’ for lighting design. AOTW gives the old play new energy.” (Brendan Kiley) Alaskan Way. artsonthewaterfront.com. Free. Fri-Sun at 7 pm. Through Sept 1.

Improv & Comedy

BREAKUP SONGS

Improvisational emotional catharsis inspired by the termination of relationships. Theater 2414. brownpapertickets.com.

$12-$15. Fri-Sat at 8:30 pm. Through Sept 21.

COMEDY WOMB

Weekly “female-focused but not female-exclusive” comedy open mic with special guest spots, a headliner, raffle, and more. Rendezvous Ave, www.comedywomb.com.

$5. Every Tues at 8 pm.

EMMETT PRESE

PRACTICE

The host and creator of and Awesome with Emmett

Montgomery hosts a weekly stand-up comedy open mic night and “humor growth hour” for comedians of all levels.

Olive Way, www.emmettmontgomery.com. Free. Every Tues at 6:30 pm.

WORDS, SOUNDS, SILENCE

An improv routine that dwells in the spaces between the words. Market Theater Alley, 587-2414. brownpapertickets.com. $7. Thurs at 8:30. Through Sept 26. theater@thestranger.com

World Peace Diet A lecture - presentation by Will Tuttle, Ph.D Saturday, Sept 7th - 6pm

vegan buffet and presentation

pre-registered, $15 at door • All are welcome To register, email seattle@lovinghut.us.

CHOW

The Taste of Summertime

If You Haven’t Been to Harry’s, You Should Hurry

BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT

Is fried chicken only a summertime food? No! Part of what’s so great about it is that the alchemy of bird and breading and boiling oil tastes like a sunshiny picnic with a

checkered tablecloth all year long. But look, people: If you haven’t been to Harry’s Chicken Joint in West Seattle to take their ﬁne work to Alki or Lincoln Park, you should hurry, for already the days grow shorter, and you will want this memory to hold in your mind. A few months from now, as dusk falls at 4 p.m., eating more of Harry’s chicken with its dark-golden-brown skin will return the golden summertime to your mind.

Harry’s Chicken Joint 6032 California Ave SW, 938-9000 Tues–Sat 4–9 pm

There’s only one problem with the picnic plan: A lot of times, the takeout from Harry’s Chicken Joint never makes it out the door. The owner, Bruce Cougan—the place is named after his father, a man with prodigious eyebrows who learned a thing or two about cooking while living in New Orleans— says people picking up their orders smell the chicken, then sit right down at the seven-seat counter and eat it all up right there. If I may make a recommendation: Order your half or whole bird ($13/$24) to go, but ask them to pull a piece or two out for you to eat on the spot. It is worth the burned ﬁngertips.

Harry’s chicken—as Bruce and his jovialtough-guy cook will tell you—is soaked in buttermilk for 24 hours. Then it’s doubledredged in a mixture including Broussards Spicy Cajun Creole Seasoning, then smoked, all prior to going into one of the cast-iron cauldrons of bubbling oil lined up rather medievally on top of the stove. The chicken is fried, at lower than normal temperature, for around 15 minutes. What comes out of the mammoth, blackened Dutch ovens—they’re 20-quart,

from Cajun Cast Iron, available online in case you want to try this at home—is pretty much magic. All that buttermilk and slow-cooking means that the meat has an unusual tenderness; a new customer once said she didn’t want the breast meat of her bird because it always comes out dry, and Bruce gave her an on-the-spot money-back guarantee, and behold, she was converted. The crust is also unusual: not too thick, crisp but not shatteringly so, with a little cayenne that’s like a loving punch in the mouth. (One piece I ate had a bunch of breading trapped along one side, making a rich trove of extra-spicy Thanksgivingstufﬁng-type goodness that I devoured silently, feeling weirdly guilty.) The smoking imparts a distinctive saltiness—the chicken comes out almost hammy, in a somewhat unholy but awfully good way.

Is it heresy to not care much about the sides in the face of such great fried chicken? Don’t get me wrong—Harry’s sides are good, and a good value, at $2 per serving. The beans are on the sweet side, but certainly not one-dimensional, with a big piece of pork here and there; the collards aren’t too vinegary but have a nice peppery tang, and bits of bacon, too; the potato salad is creamy-style with the skin still on some of the pieces and just a bit of trufﬂe oil; the slaw is non-creamy-style with a good crunch; the fried okra (a special, $4) is sliced into small rounds, the better for the breading-to-vegetable ratio. But, really, at Harry’s, bird is the word. Harry’s Chicken Joint was originally a tiny

diner called Nate and Kate’s—you can see a photo of the old-timey adorableness on Harry’s Facebook page. (More recently, it was Meander’s Kitchen, before that place moved to White Center.) The lace curtains in Harry’s windows have a rooster-and-baby-chick pattern woven into them; the pleasantly random art collection includes black-and-white days-of-yore baseball photography, a tribute to the Beatles, a poster showing all the models of Porsche from 1948 through 1983, two versions of an original painting of two shorebirds, various chicken figurines, a clown bobble head, and a carved leopard holding a fishing pole. There’s a cooler of vintage sodas, and a big bouquet of fresh daisies on top of a fruit-patterned tablecloth. Bill Evans plays on the stereo. Most of the business is takeout, Bruce says, but occasionally, as had happened the night before, the place inexplicably fills up and everybody has a grand old time.

Whether it’s full or not, Harry’s is the neighborhood hangout you always wished you had. While we waited for our chicken to fry, a

People picking up to-go orders smell the chicken, then sit down and eat it right there.

neighbor came in and was greeted by name. While she waited for her to-go order, she said that they really ought to bring back the grilled cheese and tomato soup, and Bruce said well, they’d be doing that really soon, in time for fall. Also coming soon: a shrimp po’boy. A couple guys wandered in. Could Bruce help them, he asked? They said that they’d driven by a time or two and just wanted to check out the menu. “It’s the best,” the neighbor lady said. They wondered about takeout, and she told them that the place closes around nine, but they might want to call early in case Harry’s ran out of chicken. “Do you work here?” they said, and everybody laughed. Harry’s will be celebrating its six-month anniversary soon with a big party at Beveridge Place Pub down the street, with free fried chicken, sandwiches, and sides for all the place’s friends. Go in even one time, and you’ll fall into that category.

NEIGHBORHOOD HANGOUT With incredible fried chicken.

BETH CROOK

OUR MAN IN VIETNAM In 2004, I walked into the Streamline Tavern for the ﬁrst time. It was summer, the sun was setting on Queen Anne Hill, and the dive, which is dominated by its central bar was almost empty. The bartender, a tall man who wore an apron, was listening to a portable CD player. When he noticed me and my friend, he removed his headphones, carded us, and, once satisﬁed with our IDs, asked what we would like to drink. We both requested wine. He then placed two small wineglasses in front of us, popped open a bottle, poured, and asked for eight bucks total. After we settled business, he returned to his CD player, replaced his headphones, pressed play, and began moving his lips. He was clearly not listening to music. He also didn’t seem to be moving his lips in an English manner. When he returned to pour a second round, I could not resist asking what he was up to.

“I’m learning Vietnamese,” he said.

“Are you planning a vacation there?” I asked.

“Not really—I went there during the war, and came back not knowing anything about it. But when I started learning about the culture, I started falling in love with that country. I now feel more at home in Vietnam than I do here in the US.”

“So you are learning the language only out of a love of the culture?”

“Yes, for the most part. But I also plan to move there and live there permanently one day.”

“That’s a mighty big goal,” I said, as he ﬁnished pouring the second round and resumed learning the language.

Last week, I entered the Streamline Tavern for the ﬁrst time in many years (it’s now co-owned by former P-I reporter Mike Lewis) and saw that nothing had

changed (booths, decor, color, mood). I was, however, with a different friend (friends come and go), and this time I wasn’t carded. As the bartender poured wine into our glasses (the total cost for two is now $10, and the selection of wines has much improved), I asked about the bartender who was learning Vietnamese many years ago. “You’re talking about Craig, right? Yeah, he moved to Vietnam. He got married and lives there now.”

“So some dreams do come true,” I said, taking a sip of the ﬁrst of three glasses of red wine I would enjoy that evening.

“Yeah, sometimes they do,” said the bartender, recorking the bottle.

Comment on Drinnking wiht Charlse

MUSIC

Horns of Sorrow

Ahamefule J. Oluo’s Brief but Sad History of

Jazz Trumpeters

BY CHARLES MUDEDE

Ahamefule J. Oluo is a jazz trumpeter and composer who received a year’s worth of advanced education in music from Cornish College of the Arts and has played with numerous local

and national acts—Das Racist, John Zorn, Hey Marseilles, Wayne Horvitz, Macklemore, Julian Priester. And he is a member of the powerhouse band Industrial Revelation, which includes Evan Flory-Barnes (bass), Josh Rawlings (keyboards), and D’Vonne Lewis (drums). Oluo is also a standup comic and a pretty damn decent writer—in 2011, he published a well-received piece about his father, a Nigerian he never really knew, for this paper. As if all of this were not enough, Oluo is also something of a jazz historian. He knows not only how to play the music, but also how to explain its past trends and developments, and how to read its many recordings in their historical contexts (Charles Mingus’s The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady, Eric Dolphy’s Out to Lunch!, Max Roach’s We Insist!). Combine this knowledge with a personality that is often drawn to the dark side of the human experience—madness, misfortune, sickness, violent death (much like those strange ﬂowers that bloom only at night, open at nightfall, and wither at dawn)—and you have a rich resource for morbid tales of musicians who came into life with so much promise and left it in pain and misery.

Because the trumpet is Oluo’s instrument, I decided to ask him for a brief history of the sad and terrible things that have happened to inﬂuential jazz trumpeters. He began with Lee Morgan.

LEE MORGAN

“If you listen to Blue Train, which was released in 1957 and was John Coltrane’s only Blue Note album, the guy on the trumpet is Lee Morgan. He was only 19 at the time, but was on a couple of records before that. So because his career started early in his life, he

gun in her purse (he bought her that gun to protect herself), and just as he was about to walk on the stage, she shot him, threatened a bouncer, and was arrested.”

CLIFFORD BROWN

“Then there is Clifford Brown. He helped shift a big part of jazz into hard bop. Now remember, bebop split into cool and hard bop. Cool was a lot of West Coast white guys imitating Lester Young—and some were really great players, like Stan Getz and those guys. But Brown was part of the backlash against that kind of watering down of bebop—he intensiﬁed bebop into hard bop. Now, what was also notable about Brown was, despite being brought up in the bebop era, a time when everyone was doing heroin, he did not use drugs, he rarely drank, and he didn’t smoke. He was clean. He did everything right. Lived life clean, was kind and pleasant to work with.

“Brown was one of the people who began breaking down the drug culture of jazz. He set an example in these terms: You can be as great as Charlie Parker without falling asleep in the middle of your show, or throwing up on yourself all of the time, or losing all of your money, or getting knifed in an alley. You can make money and have a good life and be a great jazz musician. He was really one of the ﬁrst players to do this. Brown was clean, but could not be called a square. He was jazz’s greatest hope.

WHAT'S CRAPPENING?

BY *NSYNC

• Jail Weddings were SO VERY LOUD and EXCELLENT with their burning punk-soul at the Comet last Friday night, they blew a fuse mid-set and the whole place went dark. The power was restored except for the stage lights, which were left off so the show could go on. Visible in the half-light: a shirtless man who may or may not have been on hallucinogens writhing to the music on his back on the ﬂoor.

• Pearl Jam dropped the video for new single “Mind Your Manners” on Friday, featuring an animated Space Needle getting hit by lightning, Eddie Vedder’s crappy goatee, a little bit of plaid, and zero ukuleles.

developed a heroin addiction really young.

“One night, he ended up at this party thrown by a woman who was 13 years older than him (he was 21 or 22 around this time).

It’s winter, it’s cold, it’s snowing, and Morgan showed up at the party without a jacket on—he pawned his coat in the middle of winter. For everybody else, Morgan was just washed up and did not have long in this world. But the host of this party, who was in her 30s already, decided to take him under her wing, and the two become romantically involved. She nursed him back to health, helped him kick his addiction, and revived his career. In 1964, the title track for his album The Sidewinder was used in a Chrysler commercial that showed during the World Series. That totally transformed his life ﬁnancially. A few seconds of a song in the World Series, and that was it—he had lots of money. Helen, that was her name, got very busy scheduling rehearsals and negotiating contracts. She’d brought him back from the brink of death, and now he was one of the top trumpeters in the world again.

“Then one night after a show, Richie Powell and Clifford Brown—both played for the great drummer Max Roach—left a show late at night and were driving to another show. Both Powell and Brown were tired, and so Powell’s wife drove the car. It’s said that she may not have had the best vision. Whether this was true or not, in the end, she drove off the road and they all died. Brown was only 25.”

BOOKER LITTLE

“Max Roach, the great drummer, was devastated by this loss, but he soon discovered another young trumpeter: Booker Little, who is my favorite trumpeter in the world. He was 18 or 19 at the time, and incredibly gifted. Also, like Clifford Brown, he was pretty clean—lived well, exercised, showed up on time to performances. He was another example of how you can make great music and not destroy your life.

“You can be as great as Charlie Parker without falling asleep in the middle of your show, or throwing up on yourself all of the time.”

“Sadly, he contracted a disease called uremia, which is basically kidney failure. It is a very painful illness, and you end with powdery deposits of urine on the skin. He died when he was 23, but before he died, he released two records, Out Front and Booker Little and Friend

“But as soon as he got that money from the commercial, he got heavy into cocaine and started bringing a woman to his house who was his own age. Helen, who was still managing his career, booked him for a high-proﬁle gig at Slug’s Saloon in the East Village. The show was sold out. Basically, this is what happened: She showed up at the club, and they got into an argument, and he had Helen, the woman who rebuilt his career, kicked out of the club. She came back in the club with a

On these two albums, you hear a maturity you do not expect from someone at his age. Now I have toured with Hey Marseilles, and so I have run into a lot of 23-year-olds, and maturity is just something you can’t fake. Little went from being a ﬁery player to expressing this incredible emotional depth. And that is the sound of your beckoning mortality—the sound of the end coming toward you. He captured that sound so beautifully.”

I pointed out to Oluo that Julian Priester, a jazz professor at Cornish, played on both of those recordings. He said: “Yes, that’s one of the major reasons I went to Cornish. Being close to Priester was as close as I could get to my favorite trumpeter.”

• Sub Pop psych-rockers Rose Windows scored a cameo in Paul Thomas Anderson’s upcoming ﬁlm adaptation of Thomas Pynchon’s Inherent Vice. The band is “contractually prohibited” from speaking about it, so next time you see them, just “wink wink, nudge nudge” them about what Joaquin Phoenix is like IRL.

• During MTV’s Video Music Awards on Sunday, Seattle’s own Macklemore & Ryan Lewis took the awards for best hiphop video and best video with a social message. This comes after Macklemore caused some noise on the interwebs by declaring last week that if he weren’t white, his success in the rap game would most likely have never happened. But Mack said this sort of thing long before he was famous—the track that launched his career back in 2005 is called “White Privilege.”

• Former Funhouse owner Brian Foss has started booking rock/punk/fun shows at a venue in Sodo on Airport Way called Bogart’s. Now if only they’ll let Foss put a giant clown head above the sign…

• Seattle Weekly’s Ballard-based Reverb Festival has been canceled. A post on the paper’s Facebook page stated, “The decision to call off the 2013 edition of the annual festival was made in response to lower ticket sales year over year and the festival’s inability to attract larger sponsors to help cover costs.” According to organizer Kwab Copeland, this year’s Reverb (which was slated for October and would have been the festival’s seventh year) lineup would have included the Intelligence, Vox Mod, Lori Goldston, Key Nyata, and Davidson Hart Kingsbery. Bummer, sounds like it would have been a blast.

• It’s ofﬁcial—Waxwing are back! At their Vera Project show on Saturday, the turbulent and emotional rock band—featuring Rocky Votolato and his brother Cody Votolato (of the Blood Brothers)—sounded as great as they did before breaking up in 2005. The set included “One for the Ride,” “Kill the Messenger,” “Everything’s on Fire,” and even a new song. According to the band, one member of the audience traveled all the way from Vienna for the reunion!

NEWS, REVIEWS, AND PLAID

ALISON SCARPULLA

Rose Windows

am ATL @ NO, 10 am TB @ NYJ, 10 am TEN @ PIT, 10 am ARI @ STL, 1:25 pm GB @ SF, 1:25 pm NYG @ DAL, 5:30 pm MON, SEP 9 PHI @ WAS, 4 pm HOU @ SD, 7:15 pm THU, SEP 12 NYJ @ NE, 5:25 pm SUN, SEP 15 STL @ ATL, 10 am CLE @ BAL, 10 am CAR @ BUF, 10 am MIN @ CHI, 10 am WAS @ GB, 10 am TEN @ HOU, 10 am MIA @ IND, 10 am DAL @ KC, 10 am SD @ PHI, 10 am DET @ ARI, 1:05 pm NO @ TB, 1:05 pm DEN @ NYG, 1:25 pm JAC @ OAK, 1:25 pm SF @ SEA, 5:30 pm MON, SEP 16 PIT @ CIN, 5:30 pm THU, SEP 19 KC @ PHI, 5:25 pm SUN, SEP 22 HOU @ BAL, 10 am GB @ CIN, 10 am NYG @ CAR, 10 am STL @ DAL, 10 am CLE @ MIN, 10 am TB @ NE, 10 am ARI @ NO, 10 am SD @ TEN, 10 am DET @ WAS, 10 am ATL @ MIA, 1:05 pm BUF @ NYJ, 1:25 pm IND @ SF, 1:25 pm JAC @ SEA, 1:25 pm CHI @ PIT, 5:30 pm MON, SEP 23 OAK @ DEN, 5:30 pm WEEK 4 WEEK 5 WEEK 6 THU, SEP 26 SF @ STL, 5:25 pm SUN, SEP 29 BAL @ BUF, 10 am CIN

THU, NOV 21 NO @ ATL, 5:25 pm SUN, NOV 24 NYJ @ BAL, 10 am PIT @ CLE, 10 am TB @ DET, 10 am MIN @ GB, 10 am JAC @ HOU, 10 am SD @ KC, 10 am CAR @ MIA, 10 am CHI @ STL, 10 am IND @ ARI, 1:05 pm TEN @ OAK, 1:05 pm DAL @ NYG, 1:25 pm DEN @ NE, 5:30 pm MON, NOV 25 SF @ WAS, 5:30 pm

THU, DEC 12 SD @ DEN, 5:25 pm SUN, DEC 15 WAS @ ATL, 10 am CHI @ CLE, 10 am HOU @ IND, 10 am BUF @ JAC, 10 am NE @ MIA, 10 am PHI @ MIN, 10 am SEA @ NYG, 10 am NO @ STL, 10 am SF @ TB, 10 am ARI @ TEN, 10 am NYJ @ CAR, 1:05 pm KC @ OAK, 1:05 pm GB @ DAL, 1:25 pm CIN @ PIT, 5:30 pm MON, DEC 16 BAL @ DET, 5:30 pm

@ TEN, 5:25

SUN, NOV 17 NYJ @ BUF, 10 am BAL @ CHI, 10 am CLE @ CIN, 10 am OAK @ HOU, 10 am ARI @ JAC, 10 am SD @ MIA, 10 am WAS @ PHI, 10 am DET @ PIT, 10 am ATL @ TB, 10 am KC @ DEN, 1:05 pm SF @ NO, 1:25 pm MIN @ SEA, 1:25 pm GB @ NYG, 5:30 pm MON, NOV 18 NE @ CAR, 5:30 pm

THU, NOV 7 WAS @ MIN, 5:25 pm SUN, NOV 10 SEA @ ATL, 10 am CIN @ BAL, 10 am DET @ CHI, 10 am PHI @ GB, 10 am STL @ IND, 10 am OAK @ NYG, 10 am BUF @ PIT, 10 am JAC @ TEN, 10 am CAR @ SF, 1:05 pm HOU @ ARI, 1:25 pm DEN @ SD, 1:25 pm DAL @ NO, 5:30 pm MON, NOV 11 MIA @ TB, 5:30 pm THU, NOV 14

WEEK 13 WEEK 14 WEEK 15 THU, NOV 28 GB @ DET, 9:30 am OAK @ DAL, 1:30 pm PIT @ BAL, 5:30 pm SUN, DEC 1 TB @ CAR, 10 am JAC @ CLE, 10 am TEN @ IND, 10 am DEN @ KC, 10 am CHI @ MIN, 10 am MIA @ NYJ, 10 am ARI @ PHI, 10 am ATL vs. BUF (Toronto), 1:05 pm STL @ SF, 1:05 pm NE @ HOU, 1:25 pm CIN @ SD, 1:25 pm NYG @ WAS, 5:30 pm MON, DEC 2 NO @ SEA, 5:30 pm THU, DEC 5 HOU @ JAC, 5:25 pm SUN, DEC 8 MIN @ BAL, 10 am IND @ CIN, 10 am CLE @ NE, 10 am OAK @ NYJ, 10 am CAR @ NO, 10 am DET @ PHI, 10 am MIA @ PIT, 10 am BUF @ TB, 10 am KC @ WAS, 10 am TEN @ DEN, 1:05 pm STL @ ARI, 1:25 pm NYG @ SD, 1:25 pm SEA @ SF, 1:25 pm ATL @ GB, 5:30 pm MON, DEC 9 DAL @ CHI, 5:30 pm

SUN, DEC 22 MIA @ BUF, 10 am NO @ CAR, 10 am MIN @ CIN , 10 am DEN @ HOU, 10 am TEN @ JAC, 10 am IND @ KC, 10 am CLE @ NYJ, 10 am CHI @ PHI, 10 am TB @ STL, 10 am DAL @ WAS, 10 am NYG @ DET, 1:05 pm ARI @ SEA, 1:05 pm PIT @ GB, 1:25 pm OAK @ SD, 1:25 pm NE @ BAL, 5:30 pm MON, DEC 23 ATL @ SF, 5:30 pm SUN, DEC 29 CAR @ ATL, 10 am GB @ CHI, 10 am BAL @ CIN, 10 am PHI @ DAL, 10 am JAC @ IND, 10 am NYJ @ MIA, 10 am DET @ MIN, 10 am BUF @ NE, 10 am TB @ NO, 10 am WAS @ NYG, 10 am CLE @ PIT , 10 am HOU @ TEN, 10 am SF @ ARI, 1:25 pm DEN @ OAK, 1:25 pm KC @ SD, 1:25 pm STL @ SEA, 1:25 pm SAT & SUN, JAN 4-5 WILD CARD PLAYOFFS SAT & SUN, JAN 11-12 DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS SUN, JAN 19 CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS SUN, FEB 2 SUPER BOWL XLVIII

THE BIRTH OF HIPHOP, KA

My heart is never the question/I write hard phonetic aggression/My art is parked in the medicine section/Stay sharp, each word carves letter perfection/I got four bars, you need better reception. —Ka, “Peace Akhi”

Things more important than the thing I wrote about last week include the continuing bloodbaths and massive shake-ups in a dozen places not properly registering to most of the people who’ll read this—including the guy who wrote it—and also how our own government is at war with our privacy, causing e-mail servers to shut themselves down in protest. Bradley Manning asked the president—who once promised to protect whistle-blowers—for a pardon that likely won’t come, and came out as a trans woman. Snowden is hiding in Russia, where trans women are attacked on camera, and a gay teenager was kidnapped and tortured—also on camera—until he reportedly died. Aaaand just to recap: A white man’s fear of me is more important than my right to live. Rap is no longer CNN for anybody, and even Chuck D would tell you that—but if we are hiphop, then hiphop needs the truth to live.

Afrika Bambaataa and the Universal Zulu Nation took issue with Kool Herc’s recent hype around the 40th anniversary of his back-to-school jam at 1520 Sedgwick Avenue in the Bronx being the actual, factual 40th anniversary of hiphop culture itself. In November, Hiphop History Month, the UZN celebrates their 40th anniversary and the 39th anniversary of hiphop. I honor hiphop as part of my inheritance as a descendant of the peoples of Africa (which means—to differing degrees, maybe, but in the ﬁnal analysis—every last one of us), another product of original ingenuity, a symptom of the soul All respect to the architects and pioneers, but I’ll try to paraphrase something I said on Facebook (that got a lot of likes and is thus relevant): All that sounds like hairsplitting, petty church business, anathema to a pantheist like myself. I just can’t imagine cats really arguing about the birth of blues, or jazz, or funk—though I’m sure there must be some dry-balled nerds that do—so to have to do that with hiphop infantilizes it unnecessarily. See it as part of the eternal and it is eternal. Give it a birth date and you give it a death date. All respect, though, to sis Cassandra, reppin’ 206 Zulu, who told me that it’s “not about the date, it’s about a person focusing on self-interest”—I feel that. Speaking of pure light, we talked about Earl’s album a very little bit (I wrote a longer review online), but now I’m telling you: Go purchase Ka’s The Night’s Gambit (I suspect I’ll review this, too). A 40-year-old veteran of the late ’90s indie-rap-vinyl era via his membership in the very underrated Natural Elements, Ka came back to my attention on Roc Marciano’s Marcberg in 2010. If you recognize the illest old and young heads out right now, you might get a better picture of this rap shit. Ka’s writing (and a few other rappers’) is the kind of writing I worship, use as mantra, and take inspiration from when I sit down to speak my own little piece. Not no so-called hiphop writers. Peace.

HIPHOP YA DON'T STOP BY LARRY MIZELL JR.

THISWEEKEND!

HEART • KENDRICK LAMAR

CRYSTAL CASTLES

GARY NUMAN

JASON BONHAM’S LED ZEPPELIN EXPERIENCE

MACEO PARKER • !!!

ICONA POP • JOEY BADA$$ WASHED OUT

CHARLES BRADLEY AND HIS EXTRAORDINAIRES

THAO & THE GET DOWN STAY DOWN

WATSKY • ZZ WARD

DIAMOND RINGS

THE PHYSICS

SALLIE FORD & THE SOUND OUTSIDE

SATURDAYSUNDAYMONDAY

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE PLAYS TRANSATLANTICISM

FUN. • TEGAN AND SARA

MATT AND KIM • RA RA RIOT THE BREEDERS • THE ZOMBIES

BEATS ANTIQUE

VINTAGE TROUBLE

VICCI MARTINEZ

ERIC BURDON & THE ANIMALS

BOB MOULD • DAVID BAZAN

THE DUKE ROBILLARD BAND

MATES OF STATE

SOL • KATIE KATE

THE MOWGLI’S • FIDLAR

TAMARYN • NIKKI HILL

BASSNECTAR • MGMT

ALLEN STONE • ALT-J

THE JOY FORMIDABLE

TRAMPLED BY TURTLES DEERHUNTER

JUSTIN TOWNES EARLE

KINKY • BARONESS

DELTA RAE • SUPERCHUNK

RED BARAAT • LISSIE

REDD KROSS • THE MEN

IVAN & ALYOSHA

THE SHEEPDOGS

THE LONE BELLOW • GTA THE MALDIVES

KOPECKY FAMILY BAND

AURELIO & GARIFUNA SOUL

MAKE YOUR LABOR DAY WEEKEND AWESOME. GET YOUR TICKETS AT OR FEE-FREE AT RUDY’S

UP&COMING

Lose your cocky, washed-up dick every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 31 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 8/28

Moderat

(Neptune Theater) See Data Breaker, page 33.

Lisa Marie Presley

(Triple Door) Lisa Marie Presley began her journey toward life by being shot out of Elvis Presley’s penis. Decades later, she married Michael Jackson, presumably interacting with his penis. (Describing Jackson as “a passionate lover,” Presley instructed doubters to “suck it.”) These facts alone make her some sort of freaky American royalty, and she’s no one-trick pony—in 2008, she married Nicolas Cage, who ﬁled for divorce four months later. More recently, Presley’s made headlines for allegedly defecting from her long-beloved Church of Scientology, but all this has very little to do with what brings this pure-gold B-grade superstar to Seattle, which is music. Presley’s latest album, 2012’s Storm and Grace, was produced by T-Bone Burnett, and will be brought to life onstage tonight.

DAVID SCHMADER

Danzig with Doyle, Scar the Martyr, Huntress

(Showbox Sodo) No matter how much of a cocky, washed-up dick you think Glenn Danzig may be (reportedly), this show is a must-see for anyone who’s ever carved “138” into their high-school locker, slicked their hair into a devil-lock, or donned the crimson ghost on their T-shirt. Dude will be performing with co-former-Misﬁts-member Doyle. If the set list is anywhere near the one these two aging horror rockers put together eight years back, we’ll be seeing a decent amount of classic Misﬁts

material. I’ll take Glenn and Doyle jamming on “Hybrid Moments” over the sad current reincarnation of the “Misﬁts” any day. KEVIN DIERS

Mary Lambert with Passenger String Quartet, Daniel Blue, Wishbeard (Neumos) In the dark shadow of Russia’s recent antigay awfulness, Mary Lambert’s story becomes even more razor-sharp. Describing herself as both “The Christian and The Queer” (even after being excommunicated from a Pentecostal church, then shunned in a local Evangelical congregation), Lambert rose to fame as the powerful female voice that jerked a whole lotta tears out of a whole lotta eye-holes with her chorus in Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s proqueer anthem “Same Love.” Lambert also wrote an extended version of that chorus—a full song, with a full string quartet, simply titled “She Keeps Me Warm.” On her website, she states, “This song is not political. It’s not about oppression or marriage equality. This song is a love song.” She still also goes on to say, “I will not apologize for love. And my God, the God that I believe to be true, would never condemn love like this.” Amen, sister! KELLY O

Thursday 8/29

MOTOR: Pete Swanson, GOODWIN, Black Hat, Mood Organ, Kaori Suzuki, DJ MOTORKARR

(Lo-Fi Performance Gallery) See Stranger Suggests, page 17, and Data Breaker, page 33.

Flume, Giraffage, Touch Sensitive (Neumos) See Data Breaker, page 33.

Destruction Unit, Dreamdecay, the Lindseys (Barboza) A ruggedly raw psych-rock band, Arizona’s Destruction Unit muster a glowering, maniacal momentum that’s as creepy and exhilarating as a dash through a haunted house. Deep Trip, their new full-length on Sacred Bones, thrusts you into its scything maelstrom right out of the gate with the aptly titled “The World on Drugs.” God damn is it thrilling. “Slow Death Sounds” is a total misnomer; it’s even speedier than its predecessor. Vocalist Ryan Rousseau has one of those deep, blustery horror-enthralled voices, but even if you hate that kind of thing, the music’s way too powerful and exciting to let it mar your enjoyment. Deep Trip earns its ballsy title. DAVE SEGAL

Cali Giraffes, Spaceneedles, Silly Goose (Chop Suey) Does your brain need a boost? Come

see Cali Giraffes! The band—comprising

nick,

and

utterly catchy, candied power pop that’ll make you bob your head so hard you’ll see stars. Be sure to arrive early, so as to not miss a second of Silly Goose. If you don’t know, Silly Goose are a Blink-182 cover band featuring Jenn Ghetto and two members of the Grand Archives, and it is not a joke. They don’t get up there and half-ass and giggle through their set—they take the craft seriously, which makes it even greater. I never knew hearing Ghetto sing “All the Small Things” or “Dammit” would be so cool. MEGAN SELING

Snoop Dogg, Jarv Dee, ILLFIGHTYOU (Showbox Sodo) What must not be forgotten is that Snoop Dogg (who recently changed his name to Snoop Lion—he has taken an interest in Rastafarianism) names Slick Rick as the rapper he owes a deep debt to. And in the way you can clearly hear

KEIKO MATSUI

THU, AUG 29 - SUN, SEP 1

Leading innovator of contemporary fusion jazz celebrates 25th Anniversary Tour with new release Soul Quest

JON CLEARY

TUE, SEP 3 - WED, SEP 4

New Orleans based funk and soul singer, songwriter and pianist

LARRY CORYELL and THE ELEVENTH HOUSE REUNION BAND

THU, SEP 5 - SUN, SEP 8

Jazz guitar great with original members of the Eleventh House Randy Brecker (trumpet), Mike Mandel (keyboards), Danny Trifan (bass) and Alphonse Mouzon (drums)

NELLIE MCKAY

Witty singer, pianist and songwriter touring in support of her new release, Home Sweet Mobile Home

TUE, SEP 10 - WED, SEP 11

EARL KLUGH

THU, SEP 12 - SUN, SEP 15

Grammy-winning master guitarist, statesman of contemporary jazz

JACQUI NAYLOR

TUE, SEP 17 - WED, SEP 18

“Naylor remains one of the most superbly arresting vocalists around.” - JazzTimes 2033 6th Ave. | 206.441.9729 all ages | free parking full schedule at jazzalley.com

Kim War-

Mikey Davis,

Thane Mitchell—play

Moderat Wednesday 8/28 at Neptune Theater

Louis Armstrong in early Billie Holiday records, you can hear Slick Rick (The Ruler) in Snoop Dogg’s ﬁrst solo album, Doggystyle (indeed, on the track “Lodi Dodi,” he simply celebrates this inﬂuence). But exactly what did LA’s Dogg get from NYC’s London-born Slick? Not skills (Rick was no Rakim), but a commitment to style. With Dogg, it’s not what he says, but almost entirely how he says things.

CHARLES MUDEDE

Friday 8/30

Bummershoot: Try the Pie, Briana Marela, Willpower, Viviane James, the Webs (Hollow Earth Radio) See Underage, page 36.

DJ Frane, DJ Explorateur, DJ Veins (Vermillion) The last time Los Angeles’s enigmatic DJ Frane appeared in Seattle, it was as Blowﬂy’s keyboardist during the notoriously raunchy entertainer’s 2008 Funhouse show. This is just one indicator that Frane can conduct a master seminar in funk. Others occur in his four-album discography (all of which you can stream at beatstoblazeto. com), which reﬂects a creativity spurred by upperechelon herb. Master of wheels of steel and sampler, as well as keyboard, Frane has crafted some of the most psychedelic instrumental hiphop ever. He plans for this DJ performance to be a night of “existential turntable adventures,” which means a wide and deep exploration of his stash of funk, psych rock, jazz, and spoken-word vinyl from the ’70s and ’80s. Portland artist Ashley Montague will be painting along to this phantasmagorical soundtrack.

DAVE SEGAL

D.O.A., Fastbacks, Dreadful Children, Sledgeback, Loud Eyes (El Corazón) This show will be an all-over punkrock treasure trove: Besides being the ﬁnal tour of Vancouver legends D.O.A. supporting their last album, We Come in Peace, it will also mark the record-release party for the local up-and-coming punks of Loud Eyes and the triumphant (if only momentary) return of Seattle grunge legend Kim

Warnick. The Fastbacks have been an on-and-off ﬁxture in the city since 1979, but Kim’s retirement and subsequent departure to the East Coast makes a reunion an even more delightful treat for all poppunk-loving Seattleites (ﬁngers crossed that they play “K Street”). The Fastbacks’ short and upbeat songs may range from joyous, gleeful saccharine to the sardonic sass of Ramones-style alienation, but they never stray far from pure pop perfection. BREE MCKENNA

Saturday 8/31

Bumbershoot: Joey Bada$$, Kendrick Lamar, Jason Bonham, Heart, many others (Seattle Center) See pullout.

Bummershoot: Waxing Hearts, Lexi Lee, Pitschouse, Neighbors (Ravenna Median) See Underage, page 36.

Bummershoot: Blooper, Tummy, R.C. Love and the Goodness Gracious, Hibou (Heartland) See Underage, page 36.

Bummershoot: Mines, Dharma, Night Surf, Lozen, So Pitted (Black Lodge) See Underage, page 36.

Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran (Tacoma Dome) Ed Sheeran is a 22-year-old gingery Londoner who sings in a folksy manner with a soothing accent full of feelings and shyness… and stories about drug-addicted prostitutes? And wanting to “be drunk when I wake up/On the right side of the wrong bed”? And teen miscarriages? When he’s not singing about heavy horrors that don’t quite match his sweetie-pie, yogurtcommercial acoustic strumming, his other mode is vaguely reggae’d hiphop—in one song off his 2011 album, +, he straight-up beatboxes. Adorable. Ed will be playing the under the Dome tonight with some guy named Taylor Swift. Treat yourself! EMILY NOKES

BUSINESS HOURS:12:00PM - 2:00AM (365 DAYS)

(EVERYDAY)

MON-THU 9PM-2AM FRI-SUN 7PM-2AM

(EVERY TUESDAY)

Cold Cave, Vice Device, Nightmare Fortress

(Neumos) Cold Cave frontman and principal architect Wes Eisold got his start in vital early-’00s hardcore bands American Nightmare/Give Up the Ghost, and Some Girls, channeling youthful angst and emotion into perfectly guttural screams over sub-three-minute bursts of thrashing instrumentation. Cold Cave’s blend of darkwave/synth pop is a deﬁnite departure from the power-chord/blast-beat formula that deﬁned Eisold’s former sound, but it’s a welcome one. Like a pissed-off, rebellious hardcore kid growing up into a calmer, gloomier adult who’s found some weird comfort and satisfaction in his existential despair, so has Eisold’s music matured. Cold Cave followed up 2011’s rose-tinted Cherish the Light Years with a series of singles/B-sides—“Black Boots,” “God Made the World,” and “Oceans With No End”—this year, and each seems to support the notion that Eisold has fully settled into a welcome new niche with his art.

MIKE RAMOS

Feral Children, Dada Trash Collage, PonyHomie

(Sunset) There’s always been a haunted component to Feral Children’s sound, but the Seattle band’s new album, Too Much, Too Late, has moments that are extra-chilling. The song “Cabin by the Lake” starts out with the line, “There’s a place behind the moon that has no name/A cabin by the lake,” and with jabbing guitar, the song reaches the chorus where a man’s deep voice insists, “Better run, better run, better run for your life.” While they’re not as obviously spooky, “Nightmare Eyes” and “Midnight Parade” are also tracks you’ll want to keep on hand for any upcoming Halloween parties.

MEGAN SELING

Lemuria, Success, Slatwall, Dead Bars

(Bogart’s) The only reason I listened to Lemuria’s new record is because it was recorded with J. Robbins, former singer of Jawbox and forever receiver of my adoration. This time my fangirl obsession worked out to my advantage, though, because Lemuria are great! Despite being signed to the usually hardcore Bridge 9 label, Lemuria deliver pumped-

BARTENDER NECTAR LOUNGE 412 N 36th St 206.632.2020 www.nectarlounge.com

8.29 Thursday (Bluegrass) CALEB KLAUDER COUNTRY BAND

Warren G Hardings, Lucy Horton Band

$7 adv / $10 dos, 7pm doors, 21+

8.30 Friday (Global Dance Party) GLOBAL BEATS: THE ULTIMATE DANCE PARTY LATIN | SOUL | FUNK | feat: EMERALD CITY SOUL CLUB MANOS ARRIBA- (DJ’s Chilly & GNotes) BANGERS & MASH (DJ’s Leopold Bloom & DJ Court)

$5 before 11pm, $7 after, 8pm, 21+

8.31 Saturday (Reggae / Funk)

RISE N SHINE BAND

up indie rock that’s reminiscent of Hop Along and Superchunk. If that piques your curiosity, also know this: Tonight’s show is free. MEGAN SELING

Sunday 9/1

Bumbershoot: Tegan and Sara, Fun., Ra Ra Riot, Death Cab for Cutie, many others (Seattle Center) See pullout.

Bummershoot: Craig Salt Peters, iji, Koda Sequoia (Josephine) See Underage, page 36.

Monday 9/2

Bumbershoot: Superchunk (Seattle Center) See Stranger Suggests, page 17, and pullout.

Bumbershoot: Alt-J, MGMT, GTA, Bassnectar, many others (Seattle Center) See pullout.

Black Bananas, Braindrain, Conor Kiley project, DJ Soulglo, DJ Billion Dollar Babies (Comet) Professional badass vocalist Jennifer Herrema transitioned out of the legendary Royal Trux (second-best American band of the ’90s after Hovercraft) with RTX, later christened Black Bananas. Separated from ex-Trux co-mastermind Neil Hagerty, Herrema has gone on a slight arena-rock tangent with surprising Funkadelic-esque undercurrents throbbing beneath the revving Harley-Davidson rock. Her ulcerated rasp turned sweeter on last year’s Rad Times Xpress IV, a brazen excursion into maximalist boogie. Wear your ﬂashiest bellbottoms. DAVE SEGAL

Tuesday 9/3

More like Bumbershot, amirite?

Tip To Base, The Boom Booms, DJ Matsui

$5 adv / $8 dos, 7pm, 21+

9.1 Sunday (Bollywood)

JAI HO! DANCE PARTY

Hosted by DJ Prashant

ft. DJ AKBAR SAMI (from Mumbai)

$5 before 10pm / $10 after 10pm, 21+

9.2 Monday (Nerdcore / Hip Hop)

PAX PRIME POST PARTY

feat MEGA RAN with K-Murdock, Rotten Musicians, Mark Dago, Death*Star, Billy The Fridge, Beefy

$5 adv / $8 dos, 7pm doors, 21+

9.6 Massy Ferguson w/ Sassparilla 9.8 Hightimes Cannibus Cup Afterparty

dinner & show

mainstage

WED/AUGUST 28 • 7:30PM lisa marie presley w/ the black lillies

THU/AUGUST 29 & FRI/AUGUST 30 • 8PM A DAMMIT LIZ PRODUCTION chainsawsuit live: two iron thrones tour - kris straub & mikey neumann

SAT/AUGUST 31 • 8PM the main attraction

SUN/SEPTEMBER 1 • 6:30PM - A DAMMIT LIZ PRODUCTION cards against humanity live

THU/SEPTEMBER 5 • 7:30PM the baseball project

FRI/SEPTEMBER 6 • 8PM 2013 raise the roof w/ brandi carlile

SUN/SEPTEMBER 8 • 6:30PM & 9PM - STG PRESENTS sweet dreams: the music of patsy cline

TUE/SEPTEMBER 10 • 7:30PM - STG PRESENTS grouplove (special acoustic set) w/ the rubens

WED/SEPTEMBER 11 • 7:30PM beth orton

CELEBRATING 10 YEARS THROUGHOUT THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER! next • 9/13 vagabond opera • 9/14 burlesque royale • 9/16 megan & liz with kalin and myles • 9/18 matt wertz w/ elenowen • 9/19 dougie maclean • 9/20 & 21 an evening with aaron neville • 9/22 moshe kasher • 9/23 allen toussaint • 9/25 billy cobham • 9/26 sonny landreth w/ cindy cashdollar • 9/27 an evening with robert cray • 9/28 optical 3 - night vessel w/ zola jesus, jg thirlwell, margaret chardiet aka pharmakon • 9/29 optical 4 - black noise w/ oren ambarchi, the sight below, raime

• 8/28 tekla waterﬁeld (blvd

happy hour every day

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 28TH

O’BROTHER

NATIVE // DAYLIGHT // DARTO LO’ THERE DO I SEE MY BROTHER

THURSDAY AUGUST 29TH

CALI GIRAFFES

Kim Warnic of the Fastbac s SPACENEEDLES // SILLY GOOSE Blin 1 Cover Band

FRIDAY AUGUST 30TH

TUCK GOES TO HOLLYWOOD!

A night of Glamorous Gaiety! Wear your best Hollywood inspired attire and get ready to dance and be dazzled by our Star-Studded line up: THE QUEENS OF TUCK!

SATURDAY AUGUST 31ST

TALCUM

100% vintage vinyl 45s of the best dance music ever made!! And e o der the dance oor to ee you slipping and sliding all night!

TUESDAY SEPT 3RD

GOLD FIELDS

RUSH MIDNIGHT // AIRPORT FRIDAY SEPT 6TH

YOB

BROTHERS OF THE SONIC CLOTH // BELL WITCH

9/14 MONOGAMY PARTY (LP RELEASE) 9/16 OCTOPUS PROJECT 9/18 KING DUDE 9/19 GLITTERBANG // DOUBLE DUCHESS 9/22 LOVERS (LP RELEASE) 9/25 PILLOWTALK 9/26 EVIAN

9/29 JARBOE 10/6 LE1F // ANTWON 10/7 KELLEY STOLTZ 10/8 GUITAR WOLF //

COATHANGERS 10/9 TJUTJUNA 10/12 NIK TURNER’S SPACE RITUAL 10/15 HAR MAR SUPERSTAR 10/17 MELT-BANANA 10/18 HUNX & HIS PUNX 10/21 LIMOSUINES // MONA 10/23 WIDOWSPEAK // PURE BATHING CULTURE

BEARDED-LADY HOEDOWN

WED 8/28

LIVE BARBOZA Sudden Vacation, D33J, guests, $10 a CHOP SUEY O’Brother, Native, Daylight, 6:30 pm, $10/$12

COMET Little Hearts, Hearts Are Thugs , $7 CROCODILE Garlic Man & Chikn, 8 pm, $5

a EL CORAZON Blackburner, Pixelpussy, Dionvox, 8 pm, $10/$15; Duane Peters Gunfight, Dime Runner, guests, 8:30 pm, $10/$12

HIGH DIVE Black Beast Revival, Jesse Solomon, Chris Kouldukis, 8 pm, $6

HIGHWAY 99 Little Ray and the Uppercuts, 8 pm, $5

JAZZ ALLEY Marcia Ball, 7:30 pm, $22.50

KELL’S Pat Buckley

a NEPTUNE THEATER Moderat, 8 pm, $26.50

NEUMOS Mary Lambert with the Passenger String Quartet, Daniel Blue, Wishbeard , 8 pm, $10

SEAMONSTER The Unsinkable Heavies, Rippin Chicken, 10 pm, free

SHOWBOX SODO Danzig, guests, $35/$39

SUNSET TAVERN Starry Eyed Samurai, Indecisive Rhythm , Vast Void , $6

TRACTOR TAVERN Andrew Belle, Grizfolk, $10/$12

TRIPLE DOOR Lisa Marie Presley, 7:30 pm, $30/$35

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Wally Shoup Quartet, free

BALTIC ROOM Crunk: DJ

Henski, Marty Mar, Blue Eyed Soul, Bgeezy, guests

CAPITOL CLUB Roll

Bounce: OCNotes, Spirit Fingaz, EverGrimeState, free

CHA CHA LOUNGE DJ Hank Rock, Cutz Like a Knife, free THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests

HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1

LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe

Wednesday: Jame$Ervin, DT, Contagious

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free

NEIGHBOURS Undergrad:

Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8

PONY Bloodlust: DJs Gin & Tonic

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

THURS 8/29

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Coke Whore, Warning: Danger!, Kramer

BARBOZA Destruction Unit, 8 pm, $10

BLUE MOON TAVERN Supply and the Man, Nation of Two , $5

CAN CAN Vince Mira

CHOP SUEY Cali Giraffes, Spaceneedles, Silly Goose, 8 pm, $5/$8

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

Secretary , the Colt Kraft Band, Ephrata, Handsome

and Gretyl, 8 pm, $6/$8 COMET MTNS, Elephant Rifle, Haunted Horses , Big Trughk

CONOR BYRNE Die Fledermaus, Po’ Brothers, Charley Wheeler, $7

a CROCODILE Gregory Alan Isakov, 8 pm, $18 a EL CORAZON Shaun Peace Band, Tommy Cook Trio, $8/$10; Hatriot, Beyond Theory, Sacrament Ov Impurity, 7:30 pm, $15/$20

HARD ROCK CAFE Chase Country, Garret Whitney, Whiskey Barrel Blues Band, 8 pm, $5

HATTIE’S HAT The Suffering Fuckheads free HIGH DIVE Luxe Canyon, Screens, The Apostrophes, 8 pm, $6

HIGHLINE Sioux City Pete and the Beggars, Crimson Field, guests, $8

HIGHWAY 99 The Charles Mack Band, 8 pm, $7

JAZZ ALLEY Keiko Matsui, 7:30 pm, $25.50

KELL’S Pat Buckley

LITTLE RED HEN Sammy Steele, $3

LO-FI Pete Swanson, Goodwin, Black Hat, Mood Organ, Kaori Suzuki, DJ MOTORKARR

LUCID The Hang: Caffeine, 9:30 pm, free

NECTAR Caleb Klauder Country Band, Warren G Hardings, Lucy Horton Band, 8 pm, $7

NEUMOS Flume, Giraffage, Touch Sensitive, 8 pm, $15

SEAMONSTER Ari Zucker, free

SHOWBOX SODO Snoop Dogg, Jarv Dee, Illfightyou, $40/$45

BATHTUB BABES!

Amonth of reader submissions continues with this photo, submitted by Amberly. I think this image perfectly sums up what straight guys think women do when they get together for their weekly book club. You know, talk about books, drink two or three boxes of Franzia, then all climb in the bathtub together, with little or no clothing on, to giggle and do handstands and stuff. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! No, really. KELLY O

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Red Yeti, 8 pm, $6

a STUDIO SEVEN Meco’s, Reaper, Wreck the Machine, guests, 6:45 pm, $11

SUNSET TAVERN The Mad Caps, A Happy Death, Monarchies, Magic Mirrors, $6

TRACTOR TAVERN Robbie Walden & the Gunslingers, $10

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Jennifer Kienzle, free; Casey MacGill, 5:30 pm, free

THE WHITE RABBIT Marmalade, $6

BALLROOM DJ Rob, free

BALTIC ROOM Revolution:

DonnaTella Howe, Olivia LaGarce, guests

CAPITOL CLUB Citrus: DJ

Skiddle

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

HAVANA DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty

LAST SUPPER CLUB Open House: Guests

MOE BAR Saucy: DJ Rad’em, DJ 100 Proof, free

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Damn Son: DJ Flave, Sativa

Sound System, Jameson Just, Tony Goods, $5 after 10:30 pm

THERAPY LOUNGE

DUH.: DJ Omar, guests

TRINITY Space Thursdays:

Rise Over Run, DJ Christyle, Johnny Fever, DJ Nicon, Sean Majors, B Geezy, guests, free

FRI

8/30

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Paths of Glory, Green River Thrillers, Stereo Creeps

BLUE MOON TAVERN Half Kingdom, 9:30 pm, $6

CAFE RACER The Hinges, Terri Moeller, free

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

The Texas Teardrops, the Brambles, Hand in the Attic, $6/$8

COMET NighTrain, Beach Dick

CONOR BYRNE Crying Shame, Dirty Cello, Safeword Sasquatch, $8

DARRELL’S TAVERN Smile Brigade , guests, $6 a EL CORAZON D.O.A., Fastbacks, Dreadful Children, Sledgeback , Loud Eyes, 8 pm, $10/$12 a GORGE

AMPHITHEATRE Dave Matthews Band, $48.50$75

HARD ROCK CAFE PeopleTank, Dead Language, Sea of Misinformation, $8/$12, Gina Belliveau, 5 pm, free

HIGH DIVE Animals in Cars , Sleepy Pilot, Death By Stars , $8

HIGHLINE C’est la Mort , Blicky , Blackpool Astronomy, $8

HIGHWAY 99 Curley Taylor and Zydeco Trouble, 8 pm, $20

a HOLLOW EARTH

RADIO Bummershoot:

Try the Pie, Briana Marela, Willpower, Viviane James, the Webs, 7 pm

JAZZ ALLEY Keiko Matsui, 9:30 pm, $25.50

KELL’S Grafton Street

THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Crawlin, Serpent Crown, Spacebag, $5

LITTLE RED HEN Sammy Steele, $3

LO-FI Kirby Krackle, Death*Star, Soup or Villainz, 9k1, Fri, Aug 30, midnight, $5

LUCID Fade Jazz Quartet

HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST ST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HOP O P P, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST HIP ST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HOP

P P, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST HIP ST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HOP

HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST

ST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP,

Thursday, Aug. 29th to Saturday, Aug. 31st

Joe does two things great -- tells stories and talks to the crowd. Joe has appeared on Comedy Centrals, “Live at Gotham”, NBC’s, “Last Comic Standing”, Comentator for Emmy award wining documentary, “A Bridge so Far”, CoCreator of the critically acclaimed storytelling show, “Previously Secret Information”. Joe has also been a runner-up in the “San Francisco Comedy Competition” and a ﬁnalist in the “Seattle Comedy Competition”. Voted “Best Comic” in the 2011 SF Weekly Readers Poll. t ” , y Besest t Poll. Poll d hi ll

The Crocodile, ReignCity & Decibel present: PREFUSE 73 Theoretics, IG88 21+

Tulsi & DJ Able, The Knowgooders, Lokeye, Big Time Hosted by Kelly Castle Scott 21+ SATURDAY

Jet Life, The Crocodile & ReignCity present: THE RED EYE TOUR FEAT. YOUNG RODDY CORNER BOY P & FIEND Dj Swervewon All Ages

TYPHOON 1939 Ensemble Sama Dams All Ages

Elixr Production Presents FLAVOR WAVE: A

DJ BATTLE Hosted by DJ Yaddiya 21+

THE MIX Weld, Terranova, $8

PINK DOOR Lavender Lucy

a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 5:30 pm; Johnaye Kendrick, Dawn Clement Group, 7:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Myrmidon, Crystal Fuzz, Dirty Looks, 8 pm, $7

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE

KISW’s Covers for Cancer: Guests

SNOQUALMIE CASINO

Kool & the Gang, 7 pm

SUNSET TAVERN Runt, Dirty Pots, 10 pm, $8

TIM’S TAVERN Hands of Vengenace, All Urban Outfield, DJ-Verseomega, free TRACTOR TAVERN Jerry Garcia Celebration: Andy Coe Band, Kuli Loach, 9:30 pm, $10

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Yada Yada Blues Band, free THE WHITE RABBIT

a STUDIO SEVEN Havok, Antitheus, Inseige, guests, 7 pm, $11/$13

Progfest 2013: Badwater Fire Company, Digital

BY DAVE SEGAL

WEDNESDAY 8/28

MODERAT’S CLASSY, GERMANICEXPRESSIVE

Moderat—the smooth union of German electronic-music aristocracy Modeselektor and Apparat (Sascha Ring)—operate in that crowded sector of clubland where electro, techno, IDM, dub, and hiphop bump and grind. Unfortunately, I’ve only heard two tracks from their new album, II, so I can’t make any definitive judgments about their first new music since 2009’s self-titled debut. However, first single “Bad Kingdom” is a bold, bass-heavy slab of electro funk with Ring’s emo vocals to the fore, hinting that Moderat may be moving in a more accessible direction. Whatever the case, this is going to be a rich-sounding, interestingly diverse experience, if past shows by these guys are any indication. Neptune Theater, 8 pm, $26.50, all ages.

THURSDAY 8/29

PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS: PETE SWANSON AND GOODWIN

Data Breaker’s favorite recurring electronic event, MOTOR, roars back into action with a couple of Portland subversives topping the bill. Pete Swanson rose to notoriety with Yellow Swans, one of America’s most artfully sculptural noise/ambient-rock units. His solo output of late has gravitated toward a kind of postindustrial techno brut, as witnessed with the brain-matter splatter of his Punk Authority EP. Expect a massive hemorrhage of extreme frequencies and a barrage of bruising beats. GOODWIN (ex-member of Operative and Bonus and former Stranger music intern Scott Goodwin) deals with cleaner and shinier techno and house styles. His set at this year’s Debacle Fest burst with joyous, intelligent dance music that made geeks feel sexy. Black Hat (aka Nelson Bean)—whose jagged, rugged music bears similarities to Swanson’s—is my pick to break out of the Seattle underground and make (inter)national waves. With Mood Organ, Kaori Suzuki, and DJ MOTORKARR Lo-Fi Performance Gallery, 9 pm, $10, 21+.

FLUME’S SUAVE, BOMBASTIC R&B

Precocious Sydney, Australia, producer Flume (aka Harley Streten) has amassed a huge fan base at an early age with his trés-chic, supersized R&B and dubstep with a panoply of sampled singers’ voices getting pitched every which way but natural. He’s a master of suave bombast, and even if that’s not your bag, you have to respect anybody who gets asked to remix Rustie. However, his ham-ﬁsted “Jackin House Mix” of Marlena Shaw’s soul classic “Woman of the Ghetto” should not go unpunished. With Giraffage and Touch Sensitive Neumos, 8 pm, $15, 21+.

TAKE WARNING PRESENTS WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/TAKEWARNINGPRESENTS

TWITTER @TAKEWARNINGSEA

SAT SEPT 7TH @ THE SUNSET CRUSHED OUT

ACAPULCO LIPS, WEST COAST IMPROVEMENT COMPANY 21+ ONLY - 9:00 PM, TICKETS @ STRANGERTICKETS.COM

SAT SEPT 14TH @ THE VERA PROJECT PARACHUTE

MATT HIRES, PARADISE FEARS ALL AGES - 7:30 PM TICKETS @ TICKETFLY.COM, THEVERAPROJECT.ORG

SAT SEPT 21ST @ EL CORAZON GIRL IN A COMA / HUNTER VALENTINE

KRISSY KRISSY

ALL AGES (BAR W/ ID) 8:00 PM TICKETS @ WWW.TICKETFLY.COM, EL CORAZON BOX OFFICE &

$6 • 8PM

TUESDAY 9/3 “BUMBERSHOOTBLACKOUT” MOZES AND THE FIRSTBORN

CHASTITY BELT • DUDE YORK

$10 • 8:30PM

Photo Credit: Jeff Henrickson

Chemistry, Metameric, Killing Dove

95 SLIDE DJ Fever One

BALLROOM DJ Tamm

BALMAR Body Movin’

Fridays: DJ Ben Meadow, free

BALTIC ROOM Dirty Work:

Rotating DJs including Sean Majors, BGeezy, Mikey Mars, Sir Kuts, guests

BARBOZA Just Got Paid:

100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm

CAPITOL CLUB Neoplastic: Marcus G, Jay Battle, DJ Shorthand, free

CUFF TGIF: Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

FUEL DJ Headache, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB Madness: Guests

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Crush: Guest DJs, free

THERAPY LOUNGE Rapture: Guests, $3 after 11 pm

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, DJ Nug, guests, $10

VERMILLION DJ Frane, DJ Explorateur, DJ Veins

THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs SAT 8/31

LIVE 2 BIT SALOON Rose Gold, Jefferson Death Star

a BLACK LODGE

Bummershoot: Mines, Dharma, Night Surf, Lozen, So Pitted

BLUE MOON TAVERN

Pipsisewah, 9:30 pm, $6

BOGART’S Lemuria, Success, Slatwall, Dead Bars, 8 pm, free

CAFE RACER Nice Garcons, The Sheik, free CENTRAL SALOON The Lush Tones, guests, free CHOP SUEY New Lungs , Postmadonna, the Female Fiends, guests, $5

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER

The End of the Summer Jam: Guests, 8 pm, $10/$13

CONOR BYRNE Sunday

Evening Whiskey Club, Leanne Wilkins, $7

DARRELL’S TAVERN The Cute Lepers , the Young Evils, On the Make, $7

a EASY STREET

RECORDS (WEST SEATTLE)

Daughters of the Dead Sea, Hobosexual , 8 pm, free

a EL CORAZON Monsters

Scare You, We the Audience, guests, 4:30 pm, $10/$13

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Xan Lucero, Joey Webb, Vagabond Superstar, Karl Kamakahi, 10 pm

a GORGE AMPHITHEATRE

Dave Matthews Band, $48.50-$75

a HEARTLAND

Bummershoot: Blooper, Hibou, Tummy, R.C. Love and the Goodness Gracious, 2 pm, 2 pm

HIGH DIVE Devian James Band, James Howard, Buckets of Rain, 8 pm, $8

HIGHLINE MDC, Bristle, guests, 8 pm, $10

HIGHWAY 99 Kalimba Band, 8 pm, $15

JAZZ ALLEY Keiko Matsui, 9:30 pm, $25.50

KELL’S Grafton Street

THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Stab Me Kill Me, Rose Gold, Diet Riot, Jefferson Death Star, $5

LITTLE RED HEN Marlin

James Band, $5

THE MEDIAN Bummershoot: Waxing Hearts, Lexi Lee, guests, noon

THE MIX The Daemon Lovers, Crazy Eyes, $8 NECTAR Rise N Shine Band, Tip to Base, guests, 7 pm, $5

NEUMOS Cold Cave, Vice Device, Nightmare Fortress, 8 pm, $10

PARAGON Solbird, free QUEEN CITY GRILL Faith Beattie, Bayly, Totusek, Guity, free a THE ROYAL ROOM

Darrius Willrich , Funk E Fusion, Piano Royale, 6 pm

SEAMONSTER Wet City Rockers, 10 pm, free

a SEATTLE CENTER Bumbershoot: Joe Bada$$, Kendrick Lamar, Jason Bonham, Heart, guests, $60

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Yevtushenko , DunningKruger Effect, Loyal Kites, 8 pm, donation

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE The Screaming Dizbusters, the Runaway Trains, the Fuzz

SNOQUALMIE CASINO Teen Idols: Peter Noone, David Cassidy, Micky Dolenz, 7 pm

STUDIO SEVEN Murder Weapons, Pill Brigade, guests, $8/$10

SUNSET TAVERN Feral Children , Dada Trash Collage, PonyHomie, 10 pm, $8 a TACOMA DOME Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, $31.50$86.50

TIM’S TAVERN Jipsea Party , Stoned Evergreen Travelers, the Howlin’ Hobbit, free

TRACTOR TAVERN Ruby Dee And the Snakehandlers , the Graceland Five, guests, 8 pm, $10

TRIPLE DOOR The Main Attraction, 8 pm, $15

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm

THE WHITE RABBIT Mothrider, Channel Surfer, Web & Beefer, free before 11 pm

BALLROOM DJ Warren BALTIC ROOM Good Saturdays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Inferno: Guests, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after CAPITOL CLUB Get Physical: DJ Edis, DJ Paycheck, 10 pm, free CHOP SUEY Talcum: Gene Balk, Mike “Teal Pants” Nipper, Marc Muller, Mike Chrietzberg, 9 pm, $5

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS

BY ADRIAN RYAN

THURSDAY 8/29

REVOLUTION

Relax! Firstly, I can assure you that absolutely no drag queens are in any way affiliated with this week’s Homosexual Agenda. Secondly, SUPER PSYCH! This is the first of a long string of terrible lies that I am probably just about to tell you. Besides, I’m uncertain at this juncture if going drag-queen-free is even possible— queens are like flippin’ tribbles around here (to use a phrase coined by Mama Tits—AN EFFING DRAG QUEEN). So, in that spirit, let’s check in with DonnaTella Howe, shall we? She was just lately Miss Gay Seattle, you know, and she is cohostessing the newest in a line of very gay nights at the Baltic Room, called Revolution. About it, she says, “Thursday is the new Friday! Revolution is keeping the Thursday-night Baltic Room tradition going, focusing on drinking and dancing and starting the weekend off right. Tony Burns is our resident DJ, and we are keeping the focus on Top 40, pop, hiphop, mashups,

UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal

Darkness

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before 10 pm

THE WOODS Hiphop/R&B/ Funk/Soul/Disco: Guest DJs

SUN 9/1

LIVE

CAFE RACER The Racer

Sessions a EL CORAZON Kingmaker, 8 pm, $8/$10

FREMONT BRIDGE

Bummershoot: Whitney Ballen , Slashed Tires , 7 pm a FUSION CAFE

Bummershoot: Mormon Cross, MTNS, Agatha, guests, 1 pm

a GORGE AMPHITHEATRE

Dave Matthews Band, $48.50-$75

HIGH DIVE Gimmicks, guests, 8 pm, $6

JAZZ ALLEY Keiko Matsui, 7:30 pm, $25.50 a JOSEPHINE

Bummershoot: Craig Salt Peters, iji, Koda Sequoia, guests

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Davanos, $3, guests, 4 pm

LO-FI Dirty Cello

NECTAR Jai Ho!: DJ Akbar

Sami, Prashant, $10/$12

NEUMOS DJ Yup, guests, $5

THE ROYAL ROOM The Gypsy Lights, guests

SEAMONSTER Quantonium, 10 pm, free

a SEATTLE CENTER

Bumbershoot: Tegan and Sara, Fun., Ra Ra Riot, Death Cab for Cutie, guests, $60

a SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Gypsy Temple, Beneath the Spin Light, 3 pm, $5 a STUDIO SEVEN Domination, Drowning, Ecophagy, guests, 7 pm, $10/$12

TULA’S Jim Cutler Jazz Orchestra, 8 pm, $8

and remixes. Being the hostesses, Olivia LaGarce and I do enjoy performing, but we also want to showcase all of the fabulous queens, kings, burlesque, and other acts that are out there to amaze. Coming up later is our Pokémon unofﬁcial PAX preparty, and we are aiming to have one hell of a Halloween month (it’s Olivia’s favorite)! We want everyone to come have fun with us!” Baltic Room, 10 pm, free, 21+.

FRIDAY 8/30

NOTHING TO SEE HERE

Speaking of no drag queens whatsoever, we come now to the new grand pooh-bah of bearded-lady hoedowns: TUCK, the drag-drenched dance party where YOU get to be the queen! It’s simple—just show the fuck up. (It would be nice if you knew/dressed the theme, however, for best results: This month’s theme is Tuck Goes to Hollywood). Drag artists will perform for you, dance with you, tickle your fancy, and gussy up your face with real cosmetics to make you a purdy gurl, mama. It features almost every queen worth featuring (lately becoming known as the Queens of Tuck), and has quickly added itself to the top of my Highly Recommended and Favoritest Geigh Things™ list. But please to note! Shadowy informants assure us that there will still be no Jinkx Monsoon at this installment of TUCK, as her show The Vaudevillians has been extended through October. Hottest off-Broadway ticket in NYC, they say. (Jesus!) But this won’t stop you. Right? Chop Suey, 10 pm, $10/$8 in drag, 21+.

DonnaTella Howe

WEDNESDAY SEPT 4 | 7:30 PM

TITUS ANDRONICUS, AND AND AND

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

SATURDAY SEPT 7 | 7:30 PM

KIMYA DAWSON, PAUL BARIBEAU, YOUR HEART BREAKS

$11 ($10 W. CLUB CARD)

SATURDAY SEPT 14 | 7:30 PM

PARACHUTE, MATT HIRES, PARADISE FEARS

$13 ($12 W/ CLUB CARD) ADV

TUESDAY SEPT 17 | 7:30 PM

BLOUSE, FEATHERS, WEEK OF WONDERS

$10 ADVANCE

FRIDAY SEPT 20 | 7:30 PM

ISLANDS, BEAR MOUNTAIN, HIBOU

$13 ($12 W. CLUB CARD) ADVANCE

WEDNESDAY SEPT 25 | 7:30 PM

ONWARD ETC., SHEBEAR

$8 ADVANCE/$10 DOORS

MONDAY SEPT 30 | 6:00 PM

RAIN FEST & THE VERA PROJECT PRESENT: ALPHA & OMEGA, TAKE OFFENSE

$10

ALWAYS ALL AGES

“GREENWOOD/NORTH SEATTLE’S

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Ron Weinstein

Trio, 9:30 pm

BALTIC ROOM Mass: Guest DJs

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style: DJ Bookem, DJ Fentar

THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance: Up Above, Fistfight, free a FULL TILT ICE CREAM

Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm

HIGHLINE flarelight, 16 Bit Villain, J.Samuel, Doughboy, Kid Amiga, free MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina: Guest DJs

PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm Q NIGHTCLUB Revival: Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free

RE-BAR Flammable: DJ Wesley Holmes, 9 pm

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa: DJ Nick

MON 9/2

LIVE

CHATEAU STE. MICHELLE

OneRepublic, Sara Bareilles, 6:30 pm, sold out COASTAL KITCHEN Pork Chop Trio, 9:30 pm, free COMET Black Bananas, Braindrain, Conor Kiley Project, DJ Soulglo, DJ Billion Dollar Babies

a EL CORAZON The Protomen, MC Frontalot, guests, 8 pm, $15/$17

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

NECTAR Random, Rotten Musicians, guests, 8 pm, $5 a SEATTLE CENTER

Bumbershoot: Alt-J, MGMT, GTA, Bassnectar, $60 TRIPLE DOOR

Musicquarium: Free Funk Union, free THE WHITE RABBIT Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6

BARBOZA Icon Mondays:

Sean Majors, guests, free CAPITOL CLUB The Jet Set: DJ Swervewon, 100 Proof COMPANY BAR DJ Plantkiller, 8 pm, free CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free HAVANA DJ Jay Battle, free THE HIDEOUT Introcut, guests, free LO-FI Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate, Sound Selecta, Element, Mista Chatman , $5

THE MIX Bring Your Own Vinyl Night: Guests, 6 pm MOE BAR Minted Mondays: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND SIN: DJ Keanu, 18+, free PONY Dirty Deeds: Guest DJs Q NIGHTCLUB Reflect, 8 pm, free

TUES 9/3

LIVE

CHOP SUEY Gold Fields, Rush Midnight, Airport, 8 pm, $12/$15 a CROCODILE Murder by Death, Larry & His Flask, 8 pm, $15 a EL CORAZON Beneath the Spin Light, Forum Walters, Image Control, 8 pm, $8/$10

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Monktail Creative Music Concern, DJ Shonuph, free HIGH DIVE Aloha Radio, Edward Herda, drop by drop, 8 pm, $6 a JAZZ ALLEY Jon Cleary, $18.50 KELL’S Liam Gallagher LITTLE RED HEN Jerkels THE MIX Jazz Night: Don Mock, Steve Kim, Jacques Willis, 8 pm THE ROYAL ROOM Mandi Rae, Modern Relics SEAMONSTER McTuff Trio, 10 pm, free SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Ronnie Earl Porter, 7 pm SUNSET TAVERN Mozes and the Firstborn, Chastity Belt, Dude York, 8:30 pm, $10

Drew Donaghy has been doing some very cool work for Cairo this summer. Maybe you saw his Sam Flax poster on the streets last week? No? Well, look it up—it’s equally great. I’m excited to see what he does next.

AARON HUFFMAN

Roses w/Formica Man, Naomi Punk Fri Aug 30, Cairo

THE WHITE RABBIT Jay Newz, Christina Pallis, L. Hammond, Emerald, J-Red, $6

THE EAGLE Pitstop: DJ Nark HAVANA Word Is Bond: Hoot and Howl, $3 after 11 pm

DJ 95 SLIDE Chicken & Waffles: Supreme La Rock, DJ Rev, free BALTIC ROOM Drum & Bass Tuesdays: Guests BLUE MOON TAVERN DJ Country Mike, A.D.M., guests, 8 pm, free

BY JACKSON HATHORN

BUMMERSHOOT, THIS WEEKEND’S OTHER MUSIC FEST

MERCURY Die: Black Maru, Major Tom, $5

MOE BAR Cool.: DJ Cory Alfano, DJ Cody Votolato, free NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Vicious

Dolls: DJ Rachael, 9 pm, $5

WILDROSE Taco Tuesday: Guest DJs

PREMIER LIVE MUSIC VENUE AND NEIGHBORHOOD BAR” 602 N 105TH ST, SEATTLE, WA 98133

SATURDAY OCT 19TH

MONDAYS: INDUSTRY NIGHT! 20% OFF! TEXAS HOLD’EM POKER TOURNEY 7-10PM. FREE!

TUESDAYS: TACO TUESDAY AND OPEN MIC WITH LINDA LEE STARTING AT 8PM.

WEDNESDAYS: TRIVALPOCALYPSE! FREE TRIVIA AT 8-10PM AND STAND UP COMEDY/FOLK REVUE AT 10PM, $3

THURSDAYS: BINGO 4PM AND KARAOKE AT 7:30PM.

SUNDAYS: BINGO 4PM AND RANDOM ENTERTAINMENT SUNDAY EVENINGS AT 8PM TBA EACH WEEK

FRIDAYS AND SATURDAYS LIVE MUSIC:

FRIDAY AUGUST 30TH-HIP HOP NIGHT W/ HANDS OF VENGEANCE, ALL URBAN OUTFIELD, WORDSMITH, DJVERSEOMEGA

SAT AUG 31ST-JIPSEA PARTY (GYPSY/ BLUEGRASS FROM WENATCHEE), STONED EVERGREEN TRAVELERS, HOWLIN’ HOBBIT

FRI SEPT 6TH-THE WHYWOLVES, POORSPORT, HIGHLIGHT BOMB ***ALL SHOWS START AT 9:30PM AND $5 UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED***

AMAZING WEEKLY FOOD SPECIALS INCLUDING: SIGNATURE SMOKED RIBS, PULLED PORK SANDWICHES, TACO TUESDAYS, BRATS, NACHOS AND CHILI DOGS. BOOKING@TIMSTAVERNSEATTLE.COM

WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/TIMSTAVERN

WWW.TIMSTAVERNSEATTLE.COM

My only grievance with Bummershoot the coyly titled other music festival going on this Labor Day weekend, is that I’m gonna quickly extinguish my word count before covering a fraction of the many bands performing at it. Spread out across four days and several venues, Bummershoot offers great music no matter where you turn, but here are my picks for some artists that you might not have heard before. Rest assured, these are all deﬁnitely worth getting sweaty for and seeing live.

FRIDAY 8/30

TRY THE PIE, BRIANA MARELA, WILLPOWER, VIVIANE JAMES, THE WEBS

Try the Pie is the solo moniker for Christine Tupou, who is also a member of the poppy, neo-riot-grrrl band Sourpatch Playing on her own, Tupou is spartan, raw, and incredibly heartfelt. Experimental artist Briana Marela creates lithe and arresting vortices of sound. Her songs alternate between joyous and hushed, but Marela is mesmerizing no matter the approach. Hollow Earth Radio, 7 pm.

SATURDAY 8/31

WAXING HEARTS, LEXI LEE, PITSCHOUSE, NEIGHBORS

The three songs I’ve heard by Waxing Hearts immediately captured my interest. The group may be new, but they are al-

ready masters at plaintive, gently rocking, saloon-worthy twang Lexi Lee’s mousy folk songs have giggled their way into my heart, with travelogue tales that make me want to drag an old suitcase to the nearest dusty train station. Ravenna Median, noon.

BLOOPER, TUMMY, R.C. LOVE AND THE GOODNESS GRACIOUS, HIBOU, AND MORE

This is your ﬁnal warning to listen to Hibou, if you haven’t already. Peter Michel’s streamlined and expertly crafted electro-pop is something you’ll be hearing a lot more of soon. R.C. Love and the Goodness Gracious have embraced a timeless sound—vaguely menacing rock that always seems to emanate out of dank basements, with guttural vocals and crusty guitars. Heartland, 2 pm.

MINES, DHARMA, NIGHT SURF, LOZEN, SO PITTED

Lozen are a sharp, earsplitting duo out of Tacoma who specialize in fearsome, lacerating, and generously melodic metal. Black Lodge, 9 pm.

SUNDAY 9/1

CRAIG SALT PETERS, IJI, KODA SEQUOIA, AND MORE

Koda Sequoia make plucky, rustic, and tightly wound math rock: I wouldn’t want this band’s songs about drunk dads, ghost stories, and Utah sung any other way. Josephine, 9 pm.

FILM

Film Review Revue

An NSA-Era Thriller, an Austen-Flavored Brain Dump, and Artists in Love

Closed Circuit

dir. John Crowley Wide release

Yes, this is another movie that opens with a terrorist attack, but don’t let that scare you off. Closed Circuit frames its attack—a bombing of a popular London market—in a series of split-screen shots ostensibly taken from closed-circuit cameras. It’s not too graphic, and it’s not the kickoff to your standard early21st-century Islamophobic adventure ﬁlm. Instead, Closed Circuit is a legal thriller/espionage ﬂick that aspires to a talky exploration of abuse of government powers.

Eric Bana plays Martin Rose, a defense attorney assigned to argue for the alleged terrorist behind the bombing. But because the case involves top-secret information, another lawyer has been assigned to argue the secret part of the case before a secret court. And that lawyer, Claudia SimmonsHowe (Rebecca Hall), recently had an affair with Rose that broke up his marriage, which makes things personally tricky. When the lawyers dig up secrets that MI6 wants to keep buried, trouble (in the form of a few chase scenes) rears its ugly head. The resulting internecine struggles threaten both the lives of our heroes and the future of free

Great Britain. Jim Broadbent shows up every so often to steal whole chunks of the movie as a genial-but-sinister attorney general. Some of the ﬁlm’s allure comes from watching Bana—a good actor saddled recently with terrible roles—and Hall shift from adversaries to allies in a subtle duet of a performance, but the ideas the ﬁlm presents are the real stars. Closed Circuit isn’t as intricate and involved as Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, but it’s not nearly as dumb as most Age of Terror thrillers, either. It’s a perfectly adult, and sort of square, night out at the movies that has the good sense to raise all the right questions about the security state, while not condescending to pretend that the answers to those questions are easy. PAUL CONSTANT

Austenland

dir. Jerusha Hess Wide release

All I want from a romantic comedy is for two pretty people to start off on the wrong foot, slowly realize they like each other, and maybe have sex in a phone booth or something. Oh—and it might be nice if the movie didn’t actively shit all over my intelligence and then bury its leavings in the one small corner of my brain still capable of

experiencing joy. Is that too much to ask? AUSTENLAND, I’M ASKING YOU A QUESTION. LOOK ME IN THE EYE WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU. WHERE ARE YOUR GODDAMN MANORS?

(That was a pun because Austenland is set in a manor!)

In Hollywood’s latest dung-nugget, Keri Russell plays a depressing single lady (plausible) who’s been obsessed with Mr. Darcy since she ﬁrst read Pride and Prejudice. In hopes of purging her obsession, she spends her life savings on some sort of bizarre fuckvacation at a Jane Austen–themed resort where women are invited to play the lead character in an immersive Austen-based experience. (It’s not Paradise: Love, but it’s not not Paradise: Love.) There’s a sexy stable boy and a brooding faux Mr. Darcy, and the whole creepy resort is helmed by a bonnet-wearing, inexplicably crabby Jane Seymour—maybe she misses Sully. :(

Austenland cynically positions itself as totally hip to the unrealistic fantasy Mr. Darcy represents, while simultaneously straining hard to cash in on that very fantasy. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Austenland, even if that cake does have a tiny Bret

Austenland shits all over your intelligence.

McKenzie on it. (Why are you on this disgusting Austenland cake, Bret McKenzie? GO BACK TO HOBBITON AT ONCE.)

The bar is pretty low for romantic comedies. (See paragraph one.) But in trying to outsmart a trope that’s worked ﬁne for 200 years, Austenland gets its head stuck under the bar and then just sort of writhes around down there for 97 minutes. There’s

less sexiness and charisma in the entirety of Austenland than in a single one of Colin Firth’s damp, fabric-encased nipples. ALISON HALLETT

Cutie and the Boxer dir. Zachary Heinzerling Varsity Theater

The reasons this documentary will certainly end up in my top 10 ﬁlms of this year: One, it contains just the right amount of visual poetry for the scope of its story, which concerns an old Japanese couple who live in New York City, have been married for 40 years, and, after all of this time in the art business, have failed to protect themselves from the threat of poverty.

Two, the history of the marriage (how it began, how it developed, what keeps it going today) is an excellent subject for a documentary. You never lose interest in the odd union between Ushio Shinohara—an artist who was a big deal in the Japanese avant-garde scene of the ’60s, moved to New York in the early ’70s, and ultimately failed to ﬁnd big buyers for his boxing paintings (he punches a huge canvas with paint-soaked gloves)—and Noriko, an artist who moved to New York in her early 20s, met Ushio (a man twice her age), married him, and raised their child as he spent night after night drinking with friends, sticking his penis into champagne bottles, passing out under tables, punching canvases, and running out of money.

The third great thing about the film is this: Its hero turns out not to be the painter, Ushio (who is really not that talented), but the beauty, nobility, intelligence, grace, and secret artistic genius of Noriko. So you begin the film with the noise of Ushio (an 80-yearold man punching a canvas) and gradually shift toward the tranquility of Noriko. One of the film’s most powerful moments is when she is alone, walking down Manhattan’s High Line on a sunny day. It is then—as she sits on a bench, as the light falls on her timeless face, as the tall grass bends in the wind—that you understand that she has the deep inner life that Ushio as a person and as an artist completely lacks. CHARLES MUDEDE

CLOSED CIRCUIT A Secret Service cover-up drives Eric Bana bananas.

NOW SHOWING 8/30 - 9/5

BLUE JASMINE (PG-13)

Fri: (2:45)*, (4:50)*, 7:20*, 9:45*

Sat - Mon: (12:00), (2:45)*, (4:50)*, 7:20*, 9:45*

Tue - Thu: (2:45)*, (4:50)*, 7:20*, 9:45*

LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER (PG-13)

Fri: (2:15)*, (4:30), 7:00*, 9:30*

Sat - Mon: (12:10)*, (2:15)*, (4:30), 7:00*, 9:30*

Tue: (2:15)*, (4:30), 7:00*^, 9:30*

Wed & Thu: (2:15)*, (4:30), 7:00*, 9:30*

ELYSIUM (R)

Fri: (2:10), (4:55)*, 7:10, 9:35

Sat Mon: (11:50)*, (2:10), (4:55)*, 7:10, 9:35

Tue: (2:10), (4:55)*, 7:10^, 9:35

Wed & Thu: (2:10), (4:55)*, 7:10, 9:35

Dark Lodge presents the original Friday the 13th on Friday the 13th of September! There

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/ﬁlm

LIMITED RUN

THE BIG LEBOWSKI

If pressed to name my single favorite moment in my single favorite Coen brothers movie, The Big Lebowski, it would be a three-way tie between Jeff “the Dude” Lebowski’s dumpster-bumping car crash, the sheriff’s assault on the Dude with a coffee mug, and the Raymond Chandler-esque discovery of Jackie Treehorn’s hard-on doodle. (BRADLEY STEINBACHER) Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 7, 9:30 pm.

CODE OF THE WEST

As Washington legalizes recreational marijuana, Montana is poised to repeal medical marijuana, and the ensuing debates are the subject of this pot doc. Coupled with the screenings are Q&As with police officers and other relevant voices in our continuing, local pot discussion. See nwfilmforum.org for complete Q&A schedule, which varies nightly. Northwest Film Forum, Fri-Sat 7, 9 pm, Sun 7 pm.

CUTIE AND THE BOXER

See review, page 37. Seven Gables, Fri-Sun 3, 5, 7:05, 9:05 pm, Mon-Tues 5, 7:05, 9:05 pm.

DR. CALIGARI

Love Caligari movies, but sick of all the goddamn cabinets? Try this campy, comedic, surreal 1989 “semisequel” to the German Expressionist landmark from 1920. Grand Illusion, Sun Sept 1 at 9 pm.

ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK

“You’re a cop!” “I’m an asshole.” SIFF Cinema Uptown, Tues Sept 3 at 7 pm.

FURIOUS

Scarecrow Video does what God made Scarecrow Video to do: screening this film, which it describes as “a martial arts movie that’s so rare, it’s not even in our collection!” Scarecrow Video, Sat Aug 31 at 8 pm.

GODZILLA, MOTHRA AND KING GHIDORAH: GIANT MONSTERS ALL-OUT ATTACK

Godzilla returns to destroy Japan, but an old man summons Mothra, King Ghidorah, and Baragon to fight Godzilla and defend the human race. Free screening! Volunteer Park Amphitheater, Fri Aug 30 at 9:15 pm.

I DECLARE WAR

A group of 12-year-olds play war in the neighborhood woods. Though they brandish toy guns and sticks, we see things from their POV, where bullets and mortars rain havoc all around. Over the course of a hot summer afternoon, jealousy and betrayal lead to a Lord Of The Flies-style confrontation where friendships are tested and character is revealed. This Canadian indie, cast with unknown tweens, skips the satire (unlike, say, Bugsy Malone) and treats the emotions, conflicts, and motives of its kids as serious drama. Bullying, teen crushes, and misguided loyalty are all part of the mix as war and adolescence prove to be a unique kind of hell. (JEFF

WHAT’S IN A NAME™?

Longtime I Love Television™ reader Rebecca Madison writes, “Dear Wm.™ Steven Humphrey: Why do you trademark your name? Are you afraid I’m going to steal it? Are you going to sue me for using your name in the opening of this letter? Can I trademark my name? Should I trademark my name? Help! Love, Rebecca.”

The answer to all of those questions (except the ﬁrst one) is a resounding “YES!”

As for why I choose to trademark my name, it started waaaaaay back in the early ’90s when McDonald’s and other companies began trademarking not only their names and products—but also words and phrases they wanted associated with their products. For example, McDonald’s “I’m lovin’ it.”

That’s trademarked, yo! And so is “How did you sleep last night?”(1800Mattress.com), “That’s a good idea!” (Rubbermaid), “Funny you should ask” (Gale Group), “It’s gonna be great!” (Great Clips), and “That’s hot” (Paris Hilton).

Well, let me tell YOU something, America! If Paris Hilton is trademarking her shit, I’M not going to be the only a-hole everyone is stealing from! Especially YOU, “Rebecca Madison”—if that is indeed your name, and you didn’t steal it from somebody!

Do YOU want to call yourself or your future unborn children William Steven Humphrey? FINE! Name ’em that all day long! BUT! If you call him/her “Wm.™ Steven Humphrey,” I’ll see you and your name-stealing, diaper-gravy-smelling brat

in COURT! (Note: The trademark application for “diaper gravy” has been ﬁled.)

Speaking of “branding oneself,” the FX network is making signiﬁcant (and confusing) brand shifts this week on TV! Now, as you surely know, FX stands for “Fox Extended”—as in an extension of the Fox Network. However! This coming Monday, September 2, FX is spinning off a new network calling itself FXX (replacing the Fox Soccer Network on your channel lineup, or ﬁnd it by going to getfxx.com). How is FXX different from regular FX? Well, for one, it has an extra “X.” Also, it’s harder to pronounce. For example, you pronounce FX as “Effects,” right? So how do you pronounce FXX? Like… “Effexcessecks”? “F-ex-sucks”? “Eff-acck-accks”? I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE THAT!

According to the FXX execs (pronounced EX-EX), they’re aiming the programming toward the male 18-to-34 demographic—or, as they’re better known, “dumb jocks who still think burp and fart jokes are funny.” That being said, there’s gonna be some pretty good shows here. FXX is kicking off its debut with a Labor Day Parks and Recreation marathon, starting at 7 a.m. and ending almost at midnight. (Naturally, you could have your marathon anytime by watching the series on Netﬂix… but it’s well-known that men who are 18 to 34 have nothing else to do on Labor Day except belch and fart.)

Also on tap? New episodes of the legitimately funny It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (debuting Wed Sept 4 at 10 pm) and The League (at 10:30 pm), as well as Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell (11 pm), which will now run ﬁve nights per week. Other than that? I assume a lot of belching™ and farting™, but… “We’ll just have to wait and see!”™

Hope that answers your questions, Rebecca! “Have a great day!”™

MEYERS) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri 5, 7:30,

MUSEUM HOURS

The film is loosely about an Austrian museum guard who befriends a visiting Canadian woman; he shows her around Vienna, allowing him to see the city anew. Mainly the film is about art. It lovingly shows details of the museum’s holdings and people looking at the art. It is largely impressionistic and moves at a slow pace—scenes from the art are juxtaposed with scenes of the city (a cold, gray, urban Vienna), showing the connection between people living life and the art in the museum. It even includes a regent talk about Flemish painter Pieter Bruegel, an artist who turned everyday life into art. There are long stretches of shots of the city, and the scenes also become like the art. (GILLIAN ANDERSON) Northwest Film Forum, Fri 7, 9 pm, Sat-Sun 5, 7, 9 pm, Mon-Tues 7, 9 pm.

PREDATOR

“Come on! Do it! Do it! Come on. Come on! Kill me! I’m here! Kill me! I’m here! Kill me! Come on! Kill me! I’m here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me!” King’s Hardware, Mon Sept 2 at dusk.

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

Everyone who can factually claim to be an American has seen The Princess Bride 150 times. So why go see it on the big screen? Here’s why: It’s delightful and hilarious, and the goopy framing device gets out of the way fast, and there’s that amazing scene where our heroine stands atop a hill, exclaims, “Oh, my love!” and hurls herself into a full-body roll. Magnuson Park, Thurs Aug 29 at dusk.

REWIND THIS!

This documentary is so nice I watched it twice. I’m one of the hopeless geeks that Rewind This! partially pays tribute to—the nostalgic nerd, that refuses to throw away the VHS player, and almost cries at the idea of losing the stacks and

stacks of VHS cassettes, still hidden away in the closet. Josh Johnson’s new doc focuses not just on nostalgia for VHS-rental stores (and the so many hundreds of weird, straight-to-VHS releases—from cheap cheesy comedies to low-budget horror to early Japanese porn). The film also makes you think about how we’re consuming and saving (or rather, NOT saving or archiving) our current personal and greater cultural memories. This movie will make you miss early independent films, look differently at Hollywood, and probably look a lot closer at that VHS bargin bin at the thrift store. Interviews with director Charles Band (director of ‘80’s gems like The ReAnimator and Puppet Master) and one of the leaders of the new “so-bad-it’s-good” movement, Dimitri Simakis of Everything Is Terrible!, are icing on the the cake. (KELLY O) Grand Illusion, Fri 8 pm, Sat 5, 8 pm, Sun 5, 7 pm, Mon-Tues 7, 9 pm.

ROADHOUSE

Patrick Swayze stars in the closest thing there will ever be to a Showgirls for boys. Central Cinema, Thurs Aug 29 at 8 pm.

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD

Scott Pilgrim keeps the manic pacing and basic premise of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s comics—Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) falls for a girl named Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and has to defeat her seven evil exes in order to date her—but it pleasantly diverges in several notable ways. Whereas the comics take place over the course of roughly a year and a half, the movie spans a week, making the cinematic Scott and Ramona’s budding romance less of a journey to mature understanding between adults and more of a movie-friendly puppy-love situation. And while the endings have some similarities— O’Malley was working on the sixth and final Pilgrim volume at the same time that the film was shooting—they’re ultimately different. The innocence and charm of O’Malley’s creation survives the leap to the screen, making this one of a handful of truly great comics adaptations. (PAUL

CONSTANT) Harvard Exit, Fri-Sat midnight.

THEY LIVE John Carpenter’s sci-fi thriller stars “Rowdy” Roddy Piper and a pair of magic sunglasses. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Tues Sept 3 at 9:30 pm.

VIDEODROME

Cronenberg’s hallucinatory body-horror film stars Debbie Harry as a sadomasochistic psychiatrist and James Woods as a schlock TV programmer. Presented on 35 mm. Grand Illusion, Fri-Sat 10 pm.

WHEN COMEDY WENT TO SCHOOL

Some good analysis of Jewish humor—where it came from, its growth, how it created the path for the development of modern comedy—is found here, and the film succeeds as a look at a particular time and culture, but the story is marred by some schmaltzy nostalgia. (GILLIAN ANDERSON) Varsity, Fri-Sun 2:50, 5, 7, 9 pm, Mon-Tues 5, 7, 9 pm.

NOW PLAYING

BEFORE MIDNIGHT

Celine (Julie Delpy) and Jesse (Ethan Hawke), the lovers from Before Sunrise and Before Sunset, return in Before Midnight. A whirlwind one-night romance (Sunrise) and a surprising reunion (Sunset) lead us to the present, a troubled long-term relationship that’s facing some major life changes. Jesse wants to be closer to his teenage son, who lives in Chicago; Celine is considering a job in Paris, and she can’t stand the idea of relocating to the US. The film centers on their intense, nightlong interrogation of the very foundations of their relationship. (ALISON HALLETT)

BLACKFISH

Orca-lovers beware: This ain’t Free Willy . Gabriela Cowperthwaite’s searing indictment of Sea World’s cruel exploitation of “killer whales” and the inhumane practice of

confining these magnificent creatures is heartbreaking and enraging. From Puget Sound’s barbaric history of capturing calves in the 1970s to the abuses that most likely drove bull orca Tilikum to kill two different trainers, this gripping documentary stirs up many of the same emotions the Oscar-winning The Cove did in 2009. While theme-park corporate flunkies blame accidents and deaths on “trainer error,” Cowperthwaite’s doc asks: Just how much suffering is our need for entertainment worth?

(JEFF MEYERS)

BLUE JASMINE

The title character, played by Cate Blanchett, is (or was) a wealthy Manhattanite. When her ex-husband Hal (Alec Baldwin) turns out to be a Madoff-like crook, she loses everything, so she relocates to San Francisco to stay with her working-class sister Ginger (Sally Hawkins). Everyone is lying to themselves—about who they are, what they want, and what they feel they deserve. Blanchett is amazing as this supremely deluded neurotic. It’s a showy performance, and it’s refreshing to see Allen’s jangly, sometimes unpleasant protagonists channel that energy toward masking something potentially more sinister: a measure of complicity in their personal disasters.

(MATT LYNCH)

FRUITVALE STATION

Oscar Grant was the unarmed 22-year-old black man who was shot to death by a transit cop in an Oakland train station—Fruitvale Station—on January 1, 2009. At trial, the officer convinced the jury that he mistook his gun for a Taser. Convicted of involuntary manslaughter, he served 11 months and was home before the year was out. In a way, Grant himself is on trial in Fruitvale Station, humanized compassionately yet unflinchingly on the big screen. But ultimately, you need only ask yourself: Why does this man have to prove he doesn’t deserve to be killed? In our culture, who has to prove themselves and who doesn’t?

(JEN GRAVES)

IN A WORLD...

Actress Lake Bell’s directorial debut digs into the subculture of voice-over artists. Carol (Bell) is a vocal coach who wants to break into the industry. The supporting cast includes Bell’s Childrens Hospital costars Ken Marino and Rob Corddry, as well as Tig Notaro and Demetri Martin—and Bell is a likable protagonist. The reason it works is because In a World... evidences a genuine interest in the day-to-day work of a voice-over artist. The thing is the focus, rather than the character who is interested in the thing—it’s the difference between superficial quirk and acknowledging that the world we live in is a weird and interesting place. (ALISON HALLETT)

LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER

Lee Daniels’ The Butler is based on a real African American man who worked at the White House for eight presidential terms, played by (genius) Forest Whitaker. The opening is a brutal series of crimes that happen to the future butler and his parents in a Southern cotton field, where they’re still functionally enslaved decades after abolition. Act two lionizes the civil rights era, the era of black folks rising up to help themselves. The butler’s son is a Freedom Rider/ Black Panther played by (genius) David Oyelowo. The Butler is a pretty good Hollywood movie. Oprah Winfrey is great. It’s probably worth seeing, even though as the credits are about to roll, an epigraph dedicates the movie to those who “fought” for equal rights. Not fight: fought. (JEN GRAVES)

PRINCE AVALANCHE

David Gordon Green’s latest is a minor-key character study that trades in low-key desperation and knowing chuckles and a welcome return to his sleepy-indie roots. Paul Rudd’s Alvin is as listless as he is contemplative. Emile Hirsch is the dim-witted brother of his long-term girlfriend. The two clash and, inevitably, bond while repainting yellow lines along fire-ravaged backwoods roads in West Texas. It’s a haunted, lonely landscape that yields quiet, reluctant epiphanies. It won’t change your life, but it will take you someplace special. (JEFF MEYERS)

THE SPECTACULAR NOW

Sutter Keely (Miles Teller) is a popular high-school burnout who medicates everything with an unending fountain of alcohol. Keely’s love interest, Aimee Finicky (Shailene Woodley), plays the devoted good girl with cringing perfection. As the movie progresses, Finicky takes on the quiet strength of a woman with a purpose: college. In contrast, Keely’s confidence begins to unravel as his “now” is engulfed by his hazy future. The teens look and act like real teenagers: smart kids with skin problems who drink too much in a sloppy, unglorified way. It is Now’s determination not to become another coming-of-age caricature that makes it so good. (CIENNA MADRID)

THE WAY, WAY BACK

Steve Carell sheds his likable schmo persona to play a dick car salesman (is there another kind?). Liam James is your standard-issue awkward coming-of-age teen. Toni Collette is his doormat mom. Sam Rockwell and Maya Rudolph inject an otherwise predictable summer-atthe-beach nostalgia trip with much-needed personality. (JEFF MEYERS)

THE WORLD’S END

Gary King (Simon Pegg) has built up a long-ago pub crawl called the Golden Mile as the greatest night ever. He convinces his friends—Andy (Nick Frost), Steven (Paddy Considine), Oliver (Martin Freeman), and Peter (Eddie Marsan)—to revisit that night. They’re a few pints in when the killer robots attack. On the surface, the apocalyptic, increasingly drunken The World’s End is a funnier, smarter Invasion of the Body Snatchers. And the movie is phenomenally, relentlessly funny. Dig a bit more, and it’s an affecting movie about how you

Made possible through th generosity of Paul G. Allen

JORDAN

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

BY ROB BREZSNY

For the Week of Aug 28

ARIES (March 21–April 19): You seem primed to act like a ram, the astrological creature associated with your sign. I swear you have that look in your eyes: the steely gaze that tells me you’re about to take a very direct approach to smashing the obstacles in your way. I confess that I have not always approved of such behavior. In the past, you have sometimes done more damage to yourself than to the obstruction you’re trying to remove. But this is one time when the headfirst approach might work. There is indeed evidence that the job at hand requires a battering ram. What does your intuition tell you?

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” is a raucous love song by the Scottish band the Proclaimers. In the chorus, the singer declares, “I would walk 500 miles/And I would walk 500 more/Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles/ To fall down at your door.” In 2011, a Chinese woman named Ling Hsueh told her boyfriend, Liu Peiwen, that she would marry him if he took the lyrics of this song to heart. In response, lover-boy embarked on a thousand-mile hike to the distant city where she lived. His stunt seemed to have expedited the deepening of their relationship. The two are now wed. In accordance with your current astrological omens, Taurus, I encourage you to consider the possibility of being a romantic fool like Liu Peiwen. What playfully heroic or richly symbolic deed might you be willing to perform for the sake of love?

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “The works must be conceived with fire in the soul but executed with clinical coolness,” said the painter Joan Miró in describing his artistic process. I recommend a similar approach to you in the coming weeks. Identify what excites you the most and will continue to inspire and energize you for the foreseeable future. Activate the wild parts of your imagination as you dream and scheme about how to get as much of that excitement as you can stand. And then set to work, with methodical selfdiscipline, to make it all happen.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): My vision of you in the coming week involves you being more instinctual and natural and primal than usual. I have a picture in my mind of you climbing trees and rolling in the grass and holding bugs in your hands and letting the wind mess up your hair. You’re gazing up at the sky a lot, and you’re doing spontaneous dance moves for no other reason than because it feels good, and you’re serenading the sun and clouds and hills with your favorite songs. I

see you eating food with your fingers and touching things you’ve never touched. I hear you speaking wild truths you’ve bottled up for months. As for sex? I think you know what to do.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): The Japanese word senzuri refers to a sexual act of self-love performed by a man. Its literal meaning is “a hundred rubs.” The corresponding term for the female version is shiko shiko manzuri, or “ten thousand rubs.” Judging from the astrological omens, I’m guessing that the applicable metaphor for you in the days ahead will be shiko shiko manzuri rather than senzuri. Whatever gender you are, you’ll be wise to slowww wayyyy down and take your time, not just in pursuit of pleasure, but in pretty much everything you do. The best rewards and biggest blessings will come from being deliberate, gradual, thorough, and leisurely.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): “A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct,” wrote science fiction author Frank Herbert. I urge you to heed that advice. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you will oversee the germination of several new trends in the coming weeks. Future possibilities will reveal themselves to you. You will be motivated to gather the ingredients and formulate the plans to make sure that those trends and possibilities will actually happen. One of the most critical tasks you can focus on is to ensure that the balances are righteous right from the start.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): The online Time Travel Mart sells products you might find handy in the event that you travel through time. Available items include barbarian repellant, dinosaur eggs, time travel sickness pills, a centurion’s helmet, a portable wormhole, and a samurai umbrella. I have no financial tie to this store. So when I recommend you consider purchasing something from it or another company with a similar product line, it’s only because I suspect that sometime soon you will be summoned to explore and possibly even alter the past. Be wellprepared to capitalize on the unexpected opportunities. (Here’s the Time Travel Mart: 826la.org/store.)

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): Mystic poets find the divine presence everywhere. The wind carries God’s love, bestowing tender caresses. The scent of a lily is an intimate message from the Holy Beloved, provoking bliss. Even a bowl of oatmeal contains the essence of the Creator; to eat it is to receive an ecstatic blessing. But those of us who aren’t mystic poets are not necessarily attuned to all this sweetness. We may even refuse to make ourselves receptive to the ceaseless offerings. To the mystic poets, we are like sponges floating in the ocean but trying very hard not to get wet. Don’t do that this week, Scorpio. Be like a sponge floating in the

ocean and allowing yourself to get totally soaked.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): James Caan is a well-known actor who has appeared in more than 80 movies, including notables like The Godfather A Bridge Too Far, and Elf. But he has also turned down major roles in a series of blockbusters: Star Wars Close Encounters of the Third Kind One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Kramer vs. Kramer Blade Runner , and Apocalypse Now. I present his odd choices as a cautionary tale for you in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t shrink from the challenges that present themselves. Even if you have accomplished a lot already, an invitation to a more complete form of success may be in the offing.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): “What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real,” says a character in one of Miranda July’s short stories. I’m offering similar advice to you, Capricorn. The “something real” you would get by sacrificing “something wonderful” might seem to be the more practical and useful option, but I don’t think it would be in the long run. Sticking with “something wonderful” will ultimately inspire breakthroughs that boost your ability to meet real-world challenges.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): “There is more truth in our erotic zones than in the whole of religions and mathematics,” wrote the English artist Austin O. Spare. I think he was being melodramatic. Who can say for sure whether such an extreme statement is accurate? But I suspect that it’s at least a worthy hypothesis for you to entertain in the coming weeks, Aquarius. The new wisdom you could potentially stir up through an exploration of Eros will be extensive and intensive. Your research may proceed more briskly if you have a loving collaborator who enjoys playing, but that’s not an absolute necessity.

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): “This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.” So says a character in Oscar Wilde’s play The Importance of Being Earnest. I could envision you speaking those words sometime soon. Plain old drama could creep in the direction of passionate stimulation. High adventure may beckon, and entertaining stories might erupt. Soon you could find yourself feeling tingly all over, and that might be so oddly pleasant that you don’t want it to end. With the right attitude— that is, a willingness to steep yourself in the lyrical ambiguity—your soul could feed off the educational suspense for quite a while.

Homework: What was your last major amazement? What do you predict will be the next one? Testify at Freewillastrology. com.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

MUST LOVE NERDS

I am an optimistic, fun loving, energetic personality that loves to explore new places, meet new people, and challenge my wits. I welcome all opportunities for laughter and new experiences in this life. melacase31, 31

DOWNTOWN GIRL

I Am A Hippie Chick Who Doesn’t Want To Be Judged By How I Look But What Is Inside. I Am A Kind Person . Laid Back. I Am Unconventional And Considered A Little Wierd By Less Enlighten Souls. Downtowngirl69, 44

SWEET, FEISTY,DOWN TO EARTH

I’m the one for you if you like sweetness combined with a direct, no-nonsense approach to life, communication, and relationships.I’m looking for someone to date, have amazing sex with, and see if a longer term companionship/partnership develops. ardorgirl, 42

TATTOED HOPELESS ROMANTIC

I’m looking for someone to challenge me. A best friend to have adventures with. I like to be silly and make the most out of every moment. I have a fairly decent collection of tattoos and plans for many more. baby_firefly, 35

A SOFT PLACE TO LAND

I’m a super rad, independent single mom looking for that rare blend of humor, intellect and kindness. A local girl who has traveled the world but is happy to be home in this great city. Clancy, 39

I WROTE THIS SONG

I guess I’m somewhere between a Den Mother and a Sex Kitten. You will probably not understand at first why you like me so much unless you are WAY smart. I think “Drunk History” is hilarious. My dresses are pretty. RedOne, 40

FUN SEXY SOULFUL

Me: fun-loving, intelligent professional who loves music, books, laughter. I love: dancing,running, my dog, and my family. You: make me laugh, intellectual, and can dance. Be financially stable and responsible. Please no children. Looks are important, but swag is better. rlove35, 35

PASSIONATE W/GREAT SENSE OF ADVENTURE

hello!,let’s see I’m 28 years old single mother I work in the healthcare field.I absolutely love music and nature,taking long road trips and exploring new areas something I really enjoy.I’d like to meet someone whom I can share that with. somethingdifferent84, 28

ROSEMARY, SAGE, THYME

Make a plan, set the stage, I’m there! I’m into sweet guys and girls who are straight up. Games don’t become us. I will try any activity or food at least once. If you’re comfortable, I will be too! Silverfern500, 18

ISO PARTNER IN CRIME

Enchanting, super fit 30-something lady with a penchant for black clothing and tattoos seeking a partner in crime for late night heists, adventures, and the best kind of mischief. I do my own stunts, and you should too. Belladonna13, 37

SMART, SASSY, & SWEET (SEXY?)

Came to Seattle because a company convinced me they couldn’t go on without me. I’ll stay if a man can convince me that I can’t go on without him. Let’s laugh, kiss, and figure the rest out along the way. SassyCurls, 37

FANTASTIC MRS. FOX

Me: Mountains and trees. Cheap shows at Chop Suey. Animals, swimming in lakes, saving the planet, dirty rock music, getting real. I hate spiders and bullshit. Writing is the most important thing I do. You: Brave. Direct. coldcountry, 33

SHORT, HONEST AND POSITIVE.

I am easy to talk to, love to laugh, smile and see the positive in things as well as people. I haven’t watched cable in years, but watch British programming online. I love docs, SIFF and 1448. Wolvesfan64, 49

KIND AND BABELY

I am a sweet, quietly confident, creative girl looking to meet new people. Elliephant, 24

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

SMART FUN AND RELIABLE

Im a easy laid back guy just looking to see if maybe i can find a match.I keep things simple and drama free and know how to have fun.Outdoor activities is also a plus or stay in and watch movies. dekreame, 32

HOMEBODY LISTENER LOVER

Hi, facing my fears! Friendly, kind, caring, waiting for that right lady to come into my life. Even though I am older I am trying to start my lovelife which I have recently found to be ready and willing! balint, 42

SPACEMAN IN A POOL

Hello there! Me Gil. I’m strange, can be awkward and all the other things that make so many someone resort to using an online dating website. I work far too often except when I don’t of course. gilbitron3001, 24

LOOKING FOR A FRIEND

I am interested in finding someone to talk to, go to movies and spend time. Must be interested in good conversation, dinner, wine and movies. Walk in the park. Jonben, 44

CITY KID BLUEGRASS HEART

Recent graduate working day job and playing upright bass at night. Fan of whiskey and Black Sabbath. flyinshoes 24

BRAINS ARE SEXY.

Superficial aesthetics are no substitute for intellect. Funny is pretty synonymous with smart in my book. In lieu of your academic resume, feel free submit a moderately funny joke. Nothing too funny; absolute hilarity should be saved until we’re married. sartrefish137, 34

BRAINY BRIT

Seeking of deeper understand, justice and no I am not a superhero. Being British, I have what some find a very dry sense of humor. Most people find me funny. Avid non fiction reading, Ted Talk viewer and Sustainability chaser. Britus, 43

SHAMAN LOOKING FOR SHAMANESS

Looking for good woman to explore hyper-dimensional space with. Must be fearless, especially while encountering hyper-dimensional E.T.s. To receive information from said E.T.s, one must also possess a kind, open, heart. A passion for veggie gardens is a plus! BlueLotus, 31

SAY WHAT YOU MEAN.

What I am: bearded, vegetarian, socialist, atheist, sterile (of the no-babies variety), motorcycle riding, kind, Nordic, intellectual scientist. Ballard_Jared, 40

I’M JAPANESE . Actually I can’t speak English very well . But I really enjoy talking a lot of things. Not only in English , I’m interest in other languages Spanish,Italian, French,,. forestriver31, 43

NICE, KIND, CONSIDERATE, GOOFY, GENTLE.

I’m an awesome person. I’m a bit of a geek. I like Star wars, Lord of the rings, and the Matrix. Im a corps member in Americorps, and am on break for a few months. I’m also a great dancer. mranderson, 21

MUSCULAR, CREATIVE, INTELLECTUAL I am complex in my simplicity, yet simple in my complexity? Hope that makes as much sense to you as it does me.I am Black/German/Irish and speak fluent German and some Russian. Looking for LTR with a good woman. 19_inch_arms, 40

DO THINGS TOGETHER! Looking for a woman to hang out and take things easy at first, do things together, and share our time. I work out 4 to 5 days a week and I play league sports. Want to know more? Thanks ! stam76, 37

HEAD IN THE STARS I love adventures and seek them in nature whenever and wherever I can. Humor is paramount. I‚Äôm an honest individual and seek the same. tiger8it 39

I LIKE DOING FUN THINGS I’m not a fan of sweeping personal statements. I would much rather meet someone over a cup of espresso, a good beer, or a quiet meal and let the conversation flow where it may. MaxMin, 24

FUNNY GUY W/ LIFE TOGETHER I’m funny, entertaining, loyal, and all around a “good” guy. I have a good job and a dog who destroys my apartment half the time. I enjoy kayaking, bantering, live comedy shows, learning to cook, and hitting the gym. PonyFarts, 33

WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN

CHILL, HONEST, FUN, OPEN-MINDED, ARTISTIC

I’m a hairstylist and I live in Seattle.I like live music, traveling,trying new things,going out,going to movies,walks,sk ateboarding,camping,hiking, etc. My biggest turn off is dishonesty or people who play games.I’m interested in people who will eventually like to meet in person. Jonesy, 36

CUZ I GOT MY OWN Looking for a loyal woman that doesn’t do herself the disservice of lying. Down to earth sensual ... the wifey type and if not that someone i can watch movies with or pretend to lol. iholdmyown, 28

MEN SEEKING MEN

ENERGETIC,

SAVAGE LOVE

Sail Away BY DAN SAVAGE

I’m a cute, mostly straight, twentysomething, single, and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy, we start fooling around, and we’re both really into it. I reach down, and he’s full sail. Things progress—clothes come off, etc.—and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. (This isn’t the problem.) I’m not aggressive, but I’m not shy. I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. They are always happy to oblige. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times, the guy is limp. (This is the problem.) They usually express frustration and indicate that they’re very much turned on but it’s just not working. Generally after a few times, they will stop having this problem, and we will end up having lots of fun. So I don’t think I’m doing anything “wrong” to kill the boners. I think maybe I’m just intimidating. In fact, I’ve been told so. Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness? Should I talk about it or just ignore it? And should I keep trying to make him hard? Or will that just make his dick panic worse?

for one. Several times a day, in passing, he reaches his hand inside my shirt and quickly grabs a boob, and then continues on his way. I could be cooking or studying or brushing my teeth, and he just digs in there out of the blue and doesn’t usually even acknowledge me before or after. In bed, he is very considerate and giving, GGG and all that—no complaints. I’ve tried to bring it up two or three times, but he gets offended, so I drop it. Do I have a right to prefer an offhand kiss on the forehead or something more affectionate and less boobgrabby? Is this typical for LTRs? Am I a selfish prude?

Groped Too Fucking Often

Before we talk about your boobs and what you can do about your asshole boyfriend—pepper spray?—can we talk about my husband’s ass for a second?

Fragile Ego Males P.S. The more a guy likes me, the more this seems to happen.

So… you go to bed with a guy, he’s at full sail, and then you inform him that you, the lady of the hookup, will be coming first. You instruct him in the art of What I Like & How You Should Do It, and by the time he’s done—by the time he gets you off—that dick has sailed. Or his dick sails are empty. Or something.

Why does this happen? I have three theories…

Theory One: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid-20s without ever having encountered a sexually assertive woman, FEM. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack, who knows what she likes and isn’t too shy to ask for/insist on it, can come as a shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy’s dicksystems. And while some deeply insecure guys (guys you wouldn’t wanna waste your time and your twat on anyway) may find your assertiveness off-putting (or sail-emptying or dick-limpening or whatever), it may be the case that even the more secure guys you go to bed with (guys you would wanna lavish your time and twattention on) could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexually assertive woman.

Theory Two: Guys who throw themselves into making it happen for you could be losing their erections because they’re focusing on pleasing you and getting you off. Making it happen for a partner—particularly if you’re making it happen with your mouth and it takes longer than 15 minutes—can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented head space, and then discover that his dick has wandered off when it’s “his turn.”

Theory Three: If you’re going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing, and he spends the first 45 minutes eating your pussy, he may be spent by the time you get off. And here’s how you reduce the awkwardness when it does happen: Acknowledge the situation without dwelling on it, don’t treat it like a catastrophe, and suggest taking a break—have some ice cream! Get a few hours sleep!—before having another go at it. And when you start in again, FEM, go with the impolite order of things, i.e., he comes first next time.

P.S. The more a guy likes you, FEM, the more performance anxiety he may experience. And the more he likes you, the more invested he may be in—and the more distracted he may be by—getting you off.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years, and we’ve been living together

It’s a spectacular ass, and I love to grab it. But my husband doesn’t like to be grabbed in certain ways, in certain places, or at certain times. So I don’t grab his ass in those ways, in those places, or at those times—despite how much I like to grab his ass. Because that spectacular ass of his? It’s his ass, not my ass, and he gets to decide when, where, and how it gets grabbed, touched, fingered, fucked, spanked, etc. And I respect his limits because I respect him. Because he’s my partner, not my possession. Those boobs of yours? They’re yours, GTFO, and you need to communicate to your boyfriend that there are times when you want him to grab your boobs and times when you don’t want him to grab your boobs. Don’t make the mistake of framing this conversation around his feelings. You are not “bringing it up” to see how to come to some sort of understanding or compromise. You’re bringing it up to set a limit. And once that limit is set, GTFO, don’t put up with the boob grabbing. If he leans in to grab your boob, move away, slap his hand, blast him with pepper spray—whatever it takes, in other words, to communicate your displeasure in an unambiguous manner. If he gets offended, let him. If he stays offended, leave him.

I’m a 46-year-old homo who’s fairly content most days living the single life. Since coming out when I was 20, I’ve been in a series of failed relationships and single for the last 10 years. I’m convinced I never really learned how to flirt. I get all tripped up when I see a PYT who I want to talk to. Add to the mix that I was diagnosed in ’91 as poz. I’m so afraid of rejection that I don’t even try anymore. I’m good-looking, outdoorsy, adventurous, and free-spirited. I’m not afraid of exploring caves or rappelling off cliffs, but I’m a total wimp when it comes to interacting with a potential mate. I know there are younger guys who are attracted to older guys like myself. I’d love some advice on how to increase my mojo regarding flirting and dating. Doing It Really Trepidatiously

Nothing will boost your dating mojo like getting laid, DIRT, and that won’t happen if you don’t force yourself to take risks and talk to the next PYT—pretty young thing—who catches your eye. And remember: Lots of twentysomething and thirtysomething PYTs are poz themselves, DIRT, and lots of negative guys are willing to date poz guys. Putting yourself out there may result in some unpleasant rejection from jerks who are freaked out by your HIV status—but you don’t want to date jerks, right?

On the Savage Lovecast, proper “slutiquette” and how to wean your boyfriend off “The Nipple Thing” at savagelovecast.com.

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JOE NEWTON