The Stranger Vol. 22, No. 26

Volume 22, Issue Number 26 February 27–March 5, 2013

PUBLIC EDITOR

by DAVID bOARD m AN Seattle Times Executive Editor

It is a truism of American life—more unkind souls might call it a “cliché”—that you get what you pay for. Even China, that Red Communist rat bastard hellhole, has its own version: “Yi fen qian, yi fen huo,” meaning “One cent gives you one cent’s worth.” Does that seem obvious? So be it. Nobody ever got kicked out of the daily newspaper business for being too obvious. Here is what I was trying to tell you, as I prattled on in the previous para: In mid-March, the Seattle Times will launch a new digital-subscription plan (or “paywall,” as bloggers, liberals, and malcontents call it) for users of Seattletimes.com. We fully expect this plan to return our paper to its golden years of the very early 21st century, when we endorsed George W. Bush for president and the Seattle Post-Intelligencer was slowly rotting to death. And we would like other local news organizations—including The Stranger—to join us behind a paywall. This plan only works if the Seattle Times’ content isn’t easily replaced by other local outlets, you see.

Here is why The Stranger should join the Seattle Times in charging four dollars a week for access to its website: While your content is not as impartial or as drained of any sort of voice as the Seattle Times, it may still garner some readership. Consider ANNA MINARD’s piece about GMO food, which was not interlaced with enough commentary from the food industry to warrant a truly balanced stance but is mostly legible. Or DOMINIC HOLDEN’s screed about pedestrian rights, which flagrantly ignores the War on Cars perpetuated by Seattle’s Mayor-in-Name-Only but mostly is not constructed from sentence fragments. Neither of these stories is ready for prime time, true, but enough readers might confuse them for “journalism” to pull profitable “traffic,” as they say on the information superhighway, away from Seattletimes.com.

The problem gets worse when you consider arts coverage. As executive editor, I was shocked to recently discover that the Seattle Times still publishes arts criticism at all, but The Stranger’s robust arts reportage—JEN GRAVES speaking with the new waterfront public art manager, Eric Fredericksen; DOMINIC HOLDEN with an opera review; PAUL CONSTANT on a new book by Gavin Newsom (as well as four local sandwich restaurants); EMILY NOKES’s review of a new musical, in addition to a long interview about a new music festival; and many film reviews— definitely detracts from our occasional, uninspiring gloss over a book, movie, or dining establishment. True, The Stranger’s reviews lean toward the vulgar and are often semi-readable at best, but most internet “readers” are also simpletons who cannot hold one coherent thought for more than two minutes at a time. As we ask the imbeciles of the internet to support quality journalism in the Northwest, we promise to be more focused than ever on serving Seattle through unbiased journalism, as we did when we endorsed Rob McKenna for governor and then bought ads in our own publication to support him as a candidate. We hope The Stranger, and West Seattle Blog, and Crosscut, and all the rest, will agree to join us in our panning for digital gold. n

COVER ART

by Danny Ghitis (dannyghitis.com)

For those of you in Brooklyn, NY, Danny Ghitis’s Harlem Valley will be on display March 9–31 at the brand-new Recession Art gallery. Opening reception March 9, 6-10 pm. More information at recessionartshows.com.

Find podcasts, videos, blogs, MP3s, free classifieds, personals, contests, sexy ads, and more on The Stranger’s website.

LAST DAYS

The Week in Review

BY DAVID SCHMADER

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18 This week of corpse-flavored water, awards-season drama, and the gross mishandling of pit bulls kicks off in Oregon, where an 11-year-old girl is believed to have caught on fire thanks to a combination of hand sanitizer and static electricity. Details come from the Oregonian, which identifies our young protagonist as Ireland Lane, who was recuperating from a small head injury earlier this month at Doernbecher Children’s Hospital when she suddenly ran screaming from her room with her T-shirt on fire. Lane’s father caught her and quickly smothered the flames with his own body, but not before the sudden and mysterious shirt fire caused third-degree burns from the girl’s belly button to her chin,

KNOCK IT OFF, PREGNANT POTHEAD

I like you; I like your husband. That being said, I can’t believe he’s standing by and letting you continue to smoke as much pot as you do even while you’re pregnant.

You have a “green card,” but you don’t need weed for anything. I also know that you’re eating veggie and vegan as much as possible because you feel it’s healthier for you and the child. And yet smoking pot is okay? I don’t care if there are no “conclusive” studies that smoking weed is bad for a baby while the mom is pregnant. HOW does that make ANY sense at all?

I know your husband is a smoker, too, but man I wish he had the balls to tell you to stop or, better yet, stop as well so as not to look like a hypocrite. It’s nine months out of your life—is getting stoned so important that you’ll take even the slightest chance with your child’s health and well-being?

I sure hope I’m wrong. I hope your child is born healthy, with no complications, because I want that child to have the best life possible. But then I fear that, should you ever have another one, you’ll do the same thing again, because “nothing negative happened in my first pregnancy and I smoked weed all I wanted!”

for which she will require skin grafts. As for the cause of the fire: After initial investigation unearthed no clear culprit, suspicion turned toward the rare but extant flammability of alcohol-based hand sanitizer mixed with static electricity. “The last thing [Ireland Lane] recalls that day is using sanitizer to clean the table that rolled over her bed,” reports the Oregonian. “Ireland’s father recalls that before the fire, she was playing, making static electricity with the sheets on her bed.” Condolences to all, and good luck to Ireland Lane who, incidentally, is also a preteen cancer survivor.

JOIN US FOR HUG A GUN NUT DAY

—MARCH 6!

Dear fellow gun enthusiasts:

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19 The week continues in Southern California, where today complaints of low water pressure at Los Angeles’s Cecil Hotel drove a maintenance worker onto the hotel’s roof, where he discovered the cause of the problem: the human corpse decomposing in the hotel’s rooftop water tank. Details come from CNN, which identifies the body as that of Elisa Lam, a 21-year-old Canadian last seen in the hotel on January 31 and whose parents reported her missing in early February. While LAPD detectives investigate Lam’s suspicious death, residents of the Cecil Hotel are left to grapple with their new knowledge.

“Tourists staying at a Los Angeles hotel bathed, brushed teeth, and drank water from a tank in which a young woman’s body was likely decomposing for more than two weeks. It was not clear whether the water presented any health risks to those who consumed it,” reports CNN. “The water did have a funny taste,” said British tourist Sabrina Baugh to CNN. “We thought it was just the way it was here.”

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 Speaking of stories so riddled with horror that Last Days considered ignoring them, the week continues in Las Vegas, where a woman stands accused of having sex with a pit bull. As FOX 5 News reports, police were called to the home of a 23-year-old woman after neighbors complained about what she was doing in her backyard. Cops arrived to find the woman—who appeared to be under the influence of drugs or mentally ill , according to the police report—engaged in sexual acts with a pit bull. “Police said she could not identify herself and was unable to answer questions about the current date or name of the president of the United States,” reports Fox 5, adding that the woman reportedly told police, “I’m bipolar.” The woman has been charged with open and gross lewdness, while the dog was claimed by animal control. Condolences to both.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21 Speaking of deeply troubled people’s regrettable dealings with pit bulls, the week continues with Lindsay Lohan, who late last year filed a lawsuit against the rapper Pitbull after he

Following the wild success of both Gun Appreciation Day (January 19) and Day of Resistance (February 23)—where pro-firearm rallies across the nation drew thousands of proud Second Amendment supporters—the American National Gun Society Team (ANGST) is proud to announce its next big political action event: Hug a Gun Nut Day, coming Wednesday, March 6.

Despite the clear message we’re sending to President Obama and his cronies in Congress, they’re still just not getting it. They don’t understand that, as gun owners, we are deathly afraid of what will happen if our weapons are taken away.

And there is so much to be afraid of: burglars, rapists, child molesters, illegal immigrants, hoodie-wearing teenagers at the mall, nagging wives/girlfriends, hoboes, panhandlers, Jet Ski thieves, bath-salt addicts, drivers who want to merge into our God-given lanes without permission, and anything featured on the first five minutes of any local newscast. Without guns to protect us from these dangers, our already overwhelming fear would quickly turn into downright panic.

America, WE NEED OUR GUNS. That’s why ANGST is asking for your support this coming Wednesday during Hug a Gun Nut Day. Simply go to your local gun shop, walk in, and start hugging people. (Not too tight! Remember: We do carry concealed weapons, and a prepared gun owner always leaves his safety off.)

Besides making us feel better, a simple hug helps us remember that true Americans—like YOU—sympathize with our debilitating fear of everyday life, dark-skinned minorities, and the liberal media. So don’t just stand there—“bear your arms” for our right to bear arms! HUG A GUN NUT TODAY!*

name-checked her in a song and allegedly ruined her life. As MSN reports, Pitbull’s 2011 song “Give Me Everything” featured the line “So, I’m tiptoein’, to keep flowin’/I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan”—which Lohan and her lawyers labeled “disparaging and defamatory statements” that caused the actress “tremendous emotional distress.” “In her complaint, Lohan asked for a permanent injunction preventing any further distribution of the song, plus an injunction ordering the defendants to surrender all existing copies of the song to Lohan,” reports MSN. “Naturally, she was also asking for an accounting of the profits that the song had generated for the defendants to date, and ‘compensatory damages in an amount to be determined in the court.’” Unfortunately for Lohan, today US District Court judge Denis R. Hurley rejected Lohan’s claims in full, tossing out her complaint and granting the defendants’ motion to dismiss. “In his ruling, Hurley found that the song, as a protected work of art under the First Amendment, doesn’t violate the New York Civil Rights Law,” reports MSN. “As for the claim of emotional distress? Yeah, that didn’t fly either, with Hurley ruling, ‘Even if the defendants used plaintiff’s name in one line of the song without her consent, such conduct is insuffi cient to meet the threshold for extreme and outrageous conduct necessary to sustain a claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress.’” Better luck next time, litigious Lohan.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22 Speaking of people who seem incapable of telling the truth with their mouths, the week continues with Lance Armstrong, the cancer-besting cyclist who ruined his career by lying over and over again about taking performance-enhancing drugs before finally admitting that, yes, he did

take performance-enhancing drugs. The latest group to join the pile-on: the US Justice Department, which today revealed that it’s joined a lawsuit against Armstrong “in an attempt to recover more than $30m in sponsorship money that the US Postal Service paid to help the disgraced cyclist’s team to compete,” the Guardian reports. “In adding its name to the lawsuit, the Department of Justice said that $31m of taxpayers money was handed over on a ‘contractual promise to play fair and abide by the rules.’ It is now seeking damages from Armstrong, his team manager Johan Bruyneel, and holding company Tailwind Sports.”

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Razzies, the annual awards honoring the year’s worst cinema. Dominating this year’s Razzies: the Twilight franchise, which claimed worst picture (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2), worst supporting actor (Taylor Lautner), worst screen couple (Taylor Lautner and the weird interspecies child he falls in love with), and worst actress (Kristen Stewart).

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 24 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Oscars, the annual awards ceremony honoring the year’s best cinema. Dominating this year’s Oscars: the lameness of Seth MacFarlane , who crapped up his hosting duties with 10,000 tons of unfunny, retrograde sexism and general suckiness as a human. ■

Women! Will they ever stop nagging and show us their boobs? Send hot tips to lastdays@ thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.

GMO! When we contacted the companies that made these groovy, natural foods, all said their products contained or may contain genetically modified ingredients.

Wait, That’s GMO, Too?

An Initiative Heading to the Fall Ballot Would Require Labeling Genetically Modified Foods—Even Health Foods You Wouldn’t Expect

BY ANNA MINARD

I’m wandering the aisles of Central Co-op, a natural foods market on Capitol Hill, checking its shelves for genetically engineered foods. Once you know what to look for, it turns

out those ingredients are everywhere—even here, among the fake meats and packages covered in leafy art, smiling animals, and handlettering. They’re in the whole-grain bread, in the veggie burgers, in the peanut-free soy nut butter. You can’t always tell from friendly labels—“100% natural,” “multi-grain,” “fair trade.” But you may be able to tell soon.

Washington State will be voting in November on Initiative 522, which would require food made with genetically engineered ingredients (also known as genetically modified organisms, or GMOs) to be labeled as such at the retail level.

When I set out to research the initiative, I thought I’d end up with a clear and obvious answer about how I felt about it—and what the science says. I was wrong.

I was raised on organic produce, bulk-bin grains, and peanut butter you had to crank by hand; these food-labeling people are my people. But I still wanted to see hard science that backs up the squick factor of vegetables birthed in a petri dish. I wanted studies I could point to, something I could wave around and say, “Here! Here is incontrovertible proof that GMOs are evil! Their curse will last for generations and our grandkids will have four noses, and here, have some organic hummus.” But the smoking gun just isn’t there. Not that the anti-labeling side is all that convincing, either.

Genetically engineered food crops have been around since the 1990s, and they took off rapidly across the United States. Now certain American crops are almost universally GMO: more than 90 percent of soy and sugar beets, and 88 percent of corn, according to the US Department of Agriculture. Modifications

are done at the genetic level (mainly by corporations that don’t exactly inspire trust, like Monsanto and Dow Chemical), often to make a crop resistant to a particular pest or herbicide. The FDA regularly approves new GMO plants—and soon, an animal: GMO salmon are on their way.

GMOs aren’t just in the processed food you grab in a stoned midnight run to Safeway. And while a 100 percent organic product can’t contain GMOs, lots of foods we think of as “natural” can and do.

For example, Gardenburger’s package is stamped with a cartoon cow and chicken embracing, and the message “There are no unimportant ingredients. If it’s in here, then it’s got a role to play.” That includes corn- and soybased ingredients (and remember that nearly all US corn and soy is GMO), and when we e-mailed their parent company, the automated response we got back said that some of their products “do contain biotech ingredients.” In

When it comes to the science, both sides try to debunk each other.

a form letter, the company explained: “It has become increasingly difficult to maintain nonbiotech sourcing of the soy proteins.”

Franz Family Bakeries offers a “100% Natural, 100% Whole Grain” loaf of bread, touting its “premium Northwest grown & milled ingredients” and lack of high-fructose

Foods Global, Nestlé USA, ConAgra Foods. Here in Washington, there’s already opposition to I-522. The Seattle Times came out strongly against it, saying that “there is no reliable evidence crops containing genetically modified organisms… pose any risks.” The Washington Association of Wheat Growers is opposed as well, saying that mandatory labeling of GMO foods “that are indistinguishable from foods produced through traditional methods would mislead consumers by falsely implying differences where none exist.”

When it comes to the science, people on each side promise they can debunk anything the other side claims to prove. Biotech researcher Dr. Martina Newell-McGloughlin gave compelling testimony at an I-522 hearing in Olympia, saying, “There is practically no domesticated plant or animal today that has not been genetically engineered over the last 10,000 years,” since we’ve been selectively breeding, grafting, and even irradiating foods forever. Today’s precise genetic engineering has been found by all major science and health organizations to be “as safe or safer than” conventional methods, she said. Further, she argued, GMO foods are actually “more thoroughly tested than any in the history of food,” subjected to years of research before they make it to market.

corn syrup. We asked Franz about GMOs in their bread, and they “do use cornmeal, soybean oil and canola oil in our products, and most of the corn, soybeans, and sources of canola oil are GMO, so most certainly these ingredients would be genetically modified.”

Even the crazily named I.M. Healthy Chunky SoyNut Butter, which announces on the label that it contains non-GMO soybeans, doesn’t guarantee that other ingredients in the same jar, such as corn-derived maltodextrin, aren’t genetically engineered. And the boxed gluten-free cake mix from Cherrybrook Kitchen contains some ingredients that “are not GMO-free,” the company says.

This isn’t to pick on these companies at all, or the groovy grocers that carry them; it’s just to point out how ubiquitous GMO ingredients are. And if I-522 passes this fall, we’ll be reminded wherever we shop how common they’ve become. Or, on the other hand, the measure could prompt more food producers to eradicate GMOs from their ingredients to avoid the GMO label altogether.

Avast majority of the American public supports labeling foods with GMO ingredients. A 2010 NPR/Thomson Reuters poll found that 93 percent of Americans were on board. Worldwide, more than 60 countries already label foods with GMO ingredients, including members of the European Union, China, Japan, and India.

Still, the opposition to labeling is fierce. In November, Proposition 37, which would’ve mandated labeling of GMO foods, lost on the California ballot after the opposition dumped more than $45 million into a campaign arguing that labeling GMOs would be deceptive, pointless, and expensive. The donor list looked like exactly what you’d expect: Monsanto, Dow AgroSciences, BASF Plant Science, Kraft

But George Kimbrell of the Center for Food Safety, who helped draft I-522, says, “We’re essentially taking the science from the industry for safety,” because the FDA doesn’t do its own pre-market testing, instead signing off on testing done by Monsanto and other companies developing the biotech foods. Dr. Michael Hansen testified in favor of I-522 in Olympia; he works for Consumers Union, the public policy arm of Consumer Reports, and he points to his organization’s long-standing position in favor of mandatory pre-market testing as opposed to the current system of “voluntary safety consultations,” as Consumers Union describes it. In place of that, Hansen says, they support labeling so consumers can at least make informed choices. Another commonly heard argument is that labeling would burden manufacturers and grocery stores. But initiative spokeswoman Trudy Bialic, who works for PCC Natural Markets, which is running the I-522 campaign, says that’s bogus. GMO labeling would be “no different from any of the other things we keep track of already,” she says. “It did not cost us to add country of origin labeling, it did not make food unaffordable when we added nutrition panels, [and] it did not create a lot of extra costs when we started labeling trans fats.” I-522 is also written differently than Prop 37. It specifies who’s required to do the labeling— the manufacturers—whereas Prop 37 didn’t. And Prop 37 was roundly criticized as being catnip for tort lawyers, who could claim damages from companies that didn’t properly label. In Washington, I-522 doesn’t allow awards for damages, just a reimbursement of attorney’s fees. Kimbrell says it was “deliberately drafted narrowly” to disincentivize costly lawsuits. In the end, a lot of this comes down to how hard the food-industry opposition is willing to fight I-522. And weirdly, it turns out that buying some of the hippie products at the co-op may still be supporting the GMO industry. In California, big food companies poured money into the anti-labeling campaign, leaving labeling supporters furious. Angry green websites called for boycotts of GMO-free Silk soy milk (owned by Dean Foods), Kashi cereals (owned by Kellogg’s), Odwalla juice (owned by CocaCola), and tons more, since all those larger parent companies wrote checks to fight labeling. Here, as of yet, no counter-campaign to I-522 has filed with the state. n

Additional reporting by Ben Steiner.

Hungry for GMO salmon? Tell us why at THESTRANGER.COM/NEWS

OMG,

KELLY O

Why MiddleAged People Walk into Traffic

The City Lets Construction Sites Close Sidewalks Even in Busy Pedestrian Neighborhoods

BY DOMINIC HOLDEN

I sent city officials, including the mayor and the city council, a photo a couple weeks ago of something you’ve probably seen before: people walking in traffic around construction sites instead of crossing the street. We know that folks are supposed to cross the street, but they don’t. They just don’t. I’ve written about this a lot on Slog (including about the city’s own report in 2008 on this problem and how nothing really changed despite that report). But the recent example on 13th Avenue and East Pine Street illustrates the problem well.

The photo shows seven middle-aged people—not a bunch of young scofflaws—who had passed a big “sidewalk closed” sign, navigated around a construction trailer, and were walking up the road headlong into traffic.

For the last several months, there have been three construction sites on Pine between 11th Avenue and 15th Avenue that close down the sidewalks (so, in theory, you would have to cross the street four times within four blocks). By letting them close down the sidewalk, the city is providing a convenience for developers, but it means pedestrians wind up merging with traffic.

Is it too much to expect that when construction is permitted in a pedestrian overlay—parts of the city where the zoning explicitly says development must accommodate pedestrians—developers be required to provide a substitute walking lane, a protected barrier? This is typical in East Coast cities, and it seems a reasonable expectation here, too.

Union Bossy

Labor May Fight Against a Progressive Ballot Measure

BY STRANGER STAFF

In a nasty case of liberal-versus-liberal politics, progressive labor unions are emerging as possible opponents of a city initiative that would require electing the Seattle City Council by seven new districts, which is considered a progressive cause. “We feel the Seattle Districts Now proposal will have the effect of undermining the voting power of persons of color,” writes UFCW 21 organizer Steve Lansing in a February 15 e-mail sent to a source. Lansing’s food workers’ union is joined in the cause by SEIU Healthcare

Development is great for Seattle, and it should be encouraged with incentives, streamlining, and what have you. But knowing what we know about human behavior, giving a hand to developers shouldn’t put regular citizens in danger.

I got a reply back from Seattle City Council member Sally Clark that began, “If you had been in the same spot a couple of weeks ago in the evening, I would have been one of the middle-aged people in your photo.” Another city hall staffer admitted to jaywalking there, too, which proves my point.

But still, I never got a pledge from any elected leaders or city officials to change the rules. I got some general replies and was also forwarded an internal e-mail about the matter.

The upshot of the responses was this: Although the particular construction site I photographed should have had a flagger directing people to cross the street, the current system of developers routinely shutting down sidewalks—failing to provide an alternative path on the same side of the street—is sufficient. But it’s not sufficient. If it were working, I wouldn’t have seen a man taking his chances between that same construction site and two buses a couple of days later—and city council members wouldn’t be jaywalking either.

After I sent my letter and posted about this on Slog, the developer did set up a string of traffic cones to create a pedestrian walkway. Still, a string of cones is not enough, when the sort of protected barriers found in East Coast cities would be far safer.

To be clear, I don’t mean to pick on this one developer. The problem is citywide at dozens of sites. As the current development cycle swings into full momentum, particularly favoring infill construction in heavily walked neighborhoods, the burden falls on the mayor and the city council to require pedestrian passageways around construction sites (except in the rare, rare exceptions when they are impossible). At the risk of sounding dramatic—but I think this is actually inevitable—someone is going to get hit and injured or killed unless city leaders act. Who in city hall is going to take the lead on fixing this? n

775NW, OneAmerica Votes, Washington CAN!, and the Win/Win Network. But politically speaking, their motivation seems transparent: It may be less about racial justice and more about unions retaining their influence. Candidates elected by smaller districts would need less money and fewer connections to win than in the citywide races that Seattle conducts currently, so switching to districts instead of at-large elections could mean that major lobbies and big funders (like labor unions and their allies) have less sway in campaign season—and over politicians once they’re elected. Reached for comment, UFCW spokesman Steve Williamson says, “That’s not what’s going on” and that his group just “want[s] the best proposal to go forward.” n

CHANCING IT IN THE STREET Pedestrians walk around a construction site on East Pine Street.

GREEN PROVIDERS

Go to the Opera Stoned Seriously. Doooooo it.

BY DOMINIC HOLDEN

I

know that telling people to smoke marijuana and then go do stuff is a bit obvious (have you tried this magical herb called “pot” that all the kids are raving about?). But now that it’s legal, new doors have opened for entertainment previously unexplored by cautious, law-abiding people.

Like the opera.

The most intense thing about smoking pot is the possibility that something really embarrassing could happen when the stakes of some social situation are very high. And nowhere in live performance are the stakes higher than in opera. Each show costs more than a million dollars to produce. The chorus, the symphony, the wings, and the hall are all stacked with people trying not to fart or wheeze while relying on one person to hit that perfect note on cue. One bad note (or one gusting fart or death rattle), and everyone will know.

Singers talented enough to make stoned people clap like seals.

Coincidentally, operas are long and pot is the perfect drug for sitting in your chair for a long time while thinking about how fucking weird it is that the woman onstage can hold a single note longer than you can go without blinking your eyes. (It’s like you’re engaged in a staring contest with her chest, and you lose every time!) At the same time, opera is comprehensible, visually and auditorily captivating, and the talent is stunning enough to make even stoned non–opera fans clap like seals when everything goes perfectly.

Now, I know what some snobfaces are thinking: I’m sullying their fine art with drugs! But the opera is all about getting buzzed. Take Seattle Opera’s La Bohème—it’s excellent and you should go (it runs through March 10, my review is on page 20). The show has not one but two intermissions, not including the preshow champagne hour. Two intermissions is an entirely unnecessary number of breaks for a two-hour show, unless the breaks are there for people to drink—which they are. They are also prime opportunities for stoners to stretch their legs on the Seattle Center campus. You can also request meal service at McCall Hall during intermission, which is great because you’ll have the munchies.

Now, a few words on pot etiquette: Don’t bring a stinky roach back into the theater, and make sure you’re well-stocked with breath-freshening mints. Also: Keep your pot in an airtight container, because nobody wants to sit next to someone who reeks. n

Does a Pound of Hash Oil Cost? And Where Would You Even Buy It in Seattle?

BY BEN LIVINGSTON

The amount of concentrated cannabis you can now lawfully possess under Washington State’s pot legalization law is up to some debate. Hash oil, with THC concentrations that can exceed 70 percent, is one of the most potent forms of cannabis. But under the law, is this nectar classified as dried marijuana flowers, thereby allowing you to possess an ounce? Or is it classified as a marijuanainfused solid, meaning you can possess up to a pound? Or, even more hilarious, when you can buy it in vials of goopy crude, is it classified as a marijuana-infused liquid? Because if it’s technically a marijuana-infused liquid, the law says you could possess up to 72 ounces.

The same as a six-pack—more than four pounds.

“I’ve never even seen anybody market a pound of hash oil,” responds Cliff Wilkerson from Greenworks Northwest with a laugh. He estimates such a stash would require between 10 and 20 pounds of starter shake, and that regularly processing such large quantities would require expensive industrial equipment. But is it even possible to acquire 16 to 72 ounces of hash oil?

For oil makers, the hardest part would be finding all those leaf trimmings. Hash oil is most commonly made these days by packing pot into a tube and running a solvent like butane through the material to extract the oils, resins, and waxes. The concentrate is smoked, vaporized, or used as an ingredient in other products.

What if an eccentric wealthy visitor—the Russian mogul, the Saudi prince, the Snoop Lion—wanted to seriously maximize their legal stash?

“It’d be really hard for someone to touch down and find a pound,” says Nolan Foster of Seattle’s Best Cannabis and Concentrates, perhaps the most prolific oil distributor in town for medical-marijuana patients. No medical co-ops stock such quantities.

Our sources say hash oil retails for around $50 per gram in Seattle, with wholesale rates of $20 to $30 per gram. The pound rate—if it exists—would be $9,000 wholesale or more. If one could source 72 ounces of liquid hash oil, it would carry a $40,000 price tag. n

GRAMS OF HASH OIL Imagine about 120 times this amount.

KELLY O

Education for a lifetime

IN WHICH I IMAGINE HAVING A SWEET-ASS RACK

Seriously, What Would It Be Like to Have Huge Breasts?

BY SHIRLEY HENDRICKSON

Iwas born on the day before Independence Day, 1982, without a sweet-ass rack.

I have survived, so far, and I lead a relatively normal life.

But there’s no getting around the fact that breasts, and their relative size, are a defining characteristic when it comes to women. Along with makeup, crying, and a certain shyness regarding flatulence. As an otherwise-apparent woman almost completely lacking in melons, I’ve often felt that I’m missing an essential part of the “womanly experience.” What would change if I had them? How much more woman would I be? Would I finally develop a passion for body jewelry, very long telephone conversations, and using the word “passion”?

More crucially, how much uninvited public fondling am I missing out on? For example, I’ve never received the classic greeting in which a man shakes his head vigorously between a woman’s god-given pectoral protrusions, like an outboard motor plunged between two quivering Jell-O molds. My therapist says I should let that one go.

Molestation fantasies aside, my absence of fun bags has led to a lifelong desire to understand them. And as Gandhi once said, “To live a day in the heaving bazooms of another is to see life through their areolae.”

So let’s imagine I have magically grown a set of perfect, luscious boobies. Great nipples, pert but not too large, and definitely NOT those weird Tootsie Roll–style pointers (gross). My fictional titties are also of relative heft, because those are the ones, through market research and staring, I have learned are the most favored.

The average DD knocker weighs eight pounds, according to my keen ability to estimate mass via Google image search. In total, that’s an extra 16 pounds now on my frame. Further calculations show that this is roughly equal to a sack of 11 Chipotle burritos or 36 newborn baby dachshunds, which are now swinging jauntily from, slumping off, or standing suspiciously erect upon my chest, depending on my age and my proximity to Los Angeles.

This new addition feels odd for a few reasons.

For one, I am now having to stuff what amounts to 64 snack-size pudding cups into my shirt. And there is no “petite” or “plus” equivalent for women with gigantic honkers but not gigantic everything else. How can a flat-fronted girl like myself and this version we’re now picturing with sensuous lady-buoys be expected to wear the same trendy-casual fashion tops?

SHIRLEY HENDRICKSON is, first and foremost, a woman and, secondly, a copywriter at Creature, a Seattle advertising agency. She sincerely apologizes to her mother for the publication of this article.

I am now having to stuff what amounts to 64 snack-size pudding cups into my shirt.

You’re thinking: This is where cleavage comes in. That which cannot get shoved inside must go up.

Let us contemplate cleavage, or the buttocks-shaped object now on my anterior. Cleavage. Man, woman, casting agent—who can but succumb to its charms? When I see breast pressed upon breast, even I want to nestle into those soft hillocks. Which I now know (theoretically) feel like the inside of a new fleece sweatshirt and smell faintly of powdered doughnuts.

What seems to have conversely degraded in appeal is everything above my neckline, which no one looks at when you have harnessrequiring mam-mountains. This seems advantageous for those without good looks, or faces. Think of how much I’ll save on eye shadow and face insurance.

It’s time to try moving in these puppies. Let’s start with a light jog. The baby dachshunds, divided into two balloons tied around my neck (18 apiece), swing in an agitated variety of directions with each step.

Seriously, this feels crazy. How do people look at anything else when this is happening? I’m surprised there are only several hundred thousand car accidents (per annum) in this country.

All right, you say. You’ve had your fun with the pretend love-pillows, but if you’re really

curious—why don’t you just get them?

I’ve considered it, to be honest. Paying someone to make you irresistibly attractive is much easier than writing for a living. The financial security of elderly perverts is a comfort. And these unsolicited offers for jobs I’m grossly underqualified for are certainly another, um, perk.

In the end, despite credit cards, a fleshcans fascination, and unreliable self-esteem, I’ve decided that voluntarily hacking at delicate tissue meant to supply nutrients to my future newborn child in the interest of inserting pouches of jelly that have a 69 percent chance* of exploding (EXPLODING!) inside you is one of those things in life that just gives me the willies, like bugs with too many legs.

And so, in conclusion, imagining having a sweet-ass rack was cool and fun. However, I don’t think I’ll mourn it too much, mostly since I imagined it.

But the homeless dudes casually jerking off on the light rail while staring at my imaginary jiggle-cannons—those guys, I’m really going to miss. ■

* Really.

Comment on this story at THESTRANGER.COM

theSTRANGER SUGGESTS

THU FEB 28

Patti Smith

MUSIC

Having created some of the most powerful and poetic rock and roll ever made, Patti Smith could’ve spent the rest of her days basking in the glow of her groundbreaking genius of yore. Instead, she keeps pushing forward, regularly releasing good new music and blowing the minds of even die-hard fans with her National Book Award–winning memoir Just Kids. Tonight, Smith returns to live performance, gracing the stage of the Neptune with guitarist Lenny Kaye—Smith’s collaborator for the past 35 years—by her side. (Neptune Theater, 1303 NE 45th St, stgpresents.org, 8 pm, $36 adv/$38.50 DOS, all ages) DAVID SCHMADER

You Are Here

Long Walk Short Film Fest

FILM/ART

What does it mean to be “on the road” today, as opposed to in 1969? Prior to a screening of filmmaker James Benning’s 2012 remake of Dennis Hopper’s classic Easy Rider—shot in the same locations, with different music—come three short films from the annual Seattle-to-Snoqualmie art trek The Long Walk. The local shorts include pieces by Rodrigo Valenzuela (Are You Doin’ Some Stuff? A Journey into the Slow Movement Movement) and Gabriel Miller (A Kind of Experiential Geography), as well as The Long Walk (edited by Britta Johnson). A Q&A about The Long Walk follows. (Northwest Film Forum, 1515 12th Ave, nwfilmforum.org, 8 pm, $10) JEN GRAVES

BOOKS/MUSIC

The success of Hugo House’s literary series often depends on the headliner, and You Are Here has a great one: Cheryl Strayed, author of the Oprah-approved memoir Wild and the genius behind the Rumpus advice column Dear Sugar. But there’s not one bad or shaky name on the bill tonight: Poet and novelist Chris Abani, who always knocks ’em dead in Seattle, joins Strayed with local raconteur/novelist Jonathan Evison to create new work on the titular theme in conjunction with songwriter Joy Mills, who’s Seattle’s liveliest country-flavored act since Neko Case. (Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, hugohouse.org, 7:30 pm, $25) PAUL CONSTANT

‘Raiders’ Double Feature FILM

How do you improve on one of the greatest movies ever made? With a shot-for-shot remake crafted by highly determined children, obviously. Raiders of the Lost Ark is such a classic of adventure filmmaking that many have tried to duplicate its success, but all those pretenders are doomed to failure. Except! The three Mississippi boys who spent seven years and five thousand dollars to painstakingly replicate the magic of the original Raiders managed to improve on Spielberg’s childlike enthusiasm with their naturally childish enthusiasm. The magic of cinema has never been quite so adorable. Tonight, both Raiders films hit the big screen. (SIFF Cinema Uptown, 511 Queen Anne Ave N, siff.net, 7 pm, $15) PAUL CONSTANT

‘Beware of Mr. Baker’

FILM Best known as the revolutionarily skilled drummer for archetypal psych-blues power trio Cream, Ginger Baker may be the most toxically nasty musician ever. A demonic tornado behind the kit who was the only Caucasian to infiltrate Afrobeat pioneer Fela Kuti’s ensemble, Baker inevitably alienated his bandmates, wives, and children—everyone except his polo horses. Jay Bulger’s doc captures Baker’s violent childhood, itinerant existence, financial and inter-band disasters, bitter personality, and dazzling musical gifts in a cancerous-warts-and-all manner. (Grand Illusion; 1403 NE 50th St; grandillusion cinema.org; 5, 7, and 9 pm; $8) DAVE SEGAL

Joey Arias

THEATER/MUSIC

The impression a Joey Arias performance leaves on your psyche is like the impression the sun makes on your eyeballs—blink all you want, it’s never going away. He crackles with dark electricity and sings like Billie Holiday and radiates enigmatic sexuality. Basically, it’s like he and Klaus Nomi were best friends and collaborators and lived together, which they were and did. Lightning Strikes is a new collaboration with fellow ’80s East Village art scene veteran Kristian Hoffman. And it’s the name of a Klaus Nomi song. (Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, rebarseattle.com, 8 pm, $20 adv/$25 DOS, 21+) CHRISTOPHER FRIZZELLE

Psychic Ills

On their early recordings, Psychic Ills played third-eye-rippling psych rock derived from the 13th Floor Elevators and Spacemen 3. They later ventured into stardusted drone and dub before returning to more conventional, easygoing rock moves with Hazed Dream and One Track Mind. Psychic Ills may not frazzle neurons as strangely and thoroughly as they once did, but their blissful boogie and hushed vocals evoke a heavier, trippier J. J. Cale—which is a great thing to evoke. (Crocodile, 2200 Second Ave, thecrocodile.com, 8 pm, $10 adv, all ages) DAVE SEGAL

Little Uncle

Little Uncle is a family-run Thai food stall tucked along the sidewalk at 15th and Madison, and it’s the closest thing to Bangkok’s famous street food you’ll find in Seattle. Its small rotating menu transcends the usual flatness of American Thai cuisine. Instead, the flavors dance and bounce off each other: bright chilies, cooling coconut milk, faint shades of vinegar and sourness. Their food tastes dynamic. Little Uncle always has pad thai—people love it—but order something new. (Little Uncle, 1509 E Madison St, littleuncleseattle.com, 11 am–8 pm) BRENDAN KILEY

JONI KABANA

Cheryl Strayed

Photo by Mark Kitaoka

ARTS Reviews & Previews

ART

Art and the Seawall

The Curator at the Department of Transportation

BY JEN GRAVES

Eric Fredericksen was director of the private contemporary art venue Western Bridge for all its eight years, until it closed this past November. He’s not historically a publicart guy. He’s curated at of-the-moment venues throughout the region, and he teaches an upperlevel class in issues in contemporary art at the University of Washington. For several months, he consulted with the Seattle waterfront project in conjunction with a New York artist and organization who are now no longer involved. And as of last week, Fredericksen officially has a desk at Seattle’s Department of Transportation. He sat down at City Hall to talk.

You started a new job yesterday. What are you doing?

Going to a lot of meetings… My office is up in the Department of Transportation, and I just go back and forth to meetings with people who are figuring out utility relocation and transit planning and things like that. Are you curating?

I’m managing. I’m the waterfront public art project manager. My job is to realize the plan. Where will the art go?

There’s the seawall, where it becomes more visible in the form of the beach—the habitat bench that’s going to happen in Pioneer Square near Pier 48. That’s the territory that is the starting point for where Buster Simpson is going to be working. There’s a commission that’s under way right now for something to do with light, and then there’s something to do with sound. So those are the three main first seawall projects.

There’s something we want to get under

When will we actually see art and seawall?

I’m not sure. Construction is set to start on the seawall this fall… The meeting that I was just in… is about this attempt to figure out what happens in the interim. We’ve got a long set of construction years. Buster’s thing is the first permanent percent-for-art project that will be sited that’s under way… In the meantime, there are all sorts of opportunities to do thinking, talking, research, reporting, public events, and temporary projects.

Are you having culture shock? I mean, you’re sitting at SDOT.

Yeah, totally. I mean, yesterday and today it’s exciting because there are a lot of people who really have their act together. Not that art people necessarily don’t. But they really have to manage huge projects, sets of expectations, deadlines… Right now, I really need to focus on personal organization. I need to up my Excel spreadsheet skills by 500. And I’m starting to think about looking into pro project-management software. And I’m setting a lot of reminders on my calendar. ■

BOOKS

way—to do something that’s like a central focus and a major commission, that probably would be located on Pier 62/63, which is where Summer Nights at the Pier used to happen and which is being rebuilt as kind of an activity pier. That’s where the swimming barge would be docked. Do you know about the swimming barge?

Is it the same thing as the hot tubs?

Well, there was the hot tubs that were supposed to be at the end of the pier, and there was a pool, too. Now those have been moved to a sort of floating/temporary… a permanent thing, but it’s temporarily moored in the summer on that pier, which could be super-cool. Is that definitely happening?

I don’t think anything is definitely happening. But I think that is seen as an early project… That one may involve more private fundraising.

Seattle artist Buster Simpson has the first big waterfront commission. What’s he making?

Unclear. But the call was to do something related to habitat—one of the goals of redoing the seawall is to make it a friendlier place, particularly for juvenile salmon but also for other creatures. I think that he’s perfect in the way that his work addresses environmental systems and… he talked about making the artificial nature of human-constructed environmental rehabilitation sites visible, to show the human hand…Your first inclination might be, “Oh, [the art] should look like a natural object.” But if it functions the right way, the salmon don’t actually care that much what it looks like… And the point is just how integrated can his work be in the whole thing while retaining its Busterness, or its agency as an art project rather than [being] just what the mitigation looks like.

What are you looking for in sound and light works?

I’m not sure yet, but the general idea with sound is going to be that there is a lot of sound there, so finding ways to focus that rather than to try to… insert new sound.

Does the arts commission pick?

No.

The arts commission picks a panel that picks.

Yeah.

LOOSE LIPS

• Appearing this past weekend at On the Boards, Annie Dorsen’s A Piece of Work was one of the most audience-repelling shows in the contemporary performance space’s history. Opening night saw a couple dozen audience members flee before the final curtain, with subsequent nights seeing fewer but still plenty of walkouts. Regarding the show itself: It involved the text of Hamlet being subjected to a computer algorithm that reassembled the words of the play into sentences spoken first by a man (Scott Shepherd, heroic star of Elevator Repair Service’s Gatz) and, eventually, just a computer, via words and code projected onto a stage-sized screen. To some viewers, it was an entrancing puzzle. For others, it was a glorified screen saver. “You know Pig Latin?” said one early exiter. “That was Ham Latin.”

Dot-Com Dot-Gov

Gavin Newsom’s Citizenville Is Packed with Bad Ideas

BY PAUL CONSTANT

LPREVIEW

Gavin Newsom Mon March 4, Town Hall, 7:30 pm, $5

ook: It’s not that every politician has to be a gifted writer. Nobody expects California lieutenant governor Gavin Newsom’s new book, Citizenville: How to Take the Town Square Digital and Reinvent Government (The Penguin Press, $25.95), to be Dreams from My Father, or even The Audacity of Hope. But the fact that Newsom needed to pull a cowriter in (Lisa Dickey is credited on the cover with a “with,” but that’s the only mention the poor woman gets at all) to produce this tepid mess of corporate-speak and juniorTED-Talk blather is especially disheartening. To be fair, Newsom is attempting a difficult dance here: He’s trying to draw a nonpartisan or politically disenfranchised audience that may or may not know anything about the worlds of government or technology. Which is to say, he has to not only explain how a Facebook sharing model can be applied to civic governance, he also has to explain what Facebook is and how city governments work. But that doesn’t justify moronic passages like this: “I’ve always loved the acronym KISS—for ‘keep it simple, stupid,’” and “In December 2009, a flock of birds was released upon the world. But not just any birds—Angry Birds.” He trots out tired clichés about how Napster and torrent clients and other “armies of Davids” took down the “Goliath” of the music industry. It’s all written in a cloying Paco Underhill style of business

• Last week, the day before 11,000 books flooded in to fill its empty shelves, The Stranger sat down with Queen Anne Book Company owners Judy and Krijn de Jonge and Janis Segress to discuss their plans for the brand-new bookstore that happens to fill the same retail space as the late, lamented Queen Anne Books. The new owners were surprised by how much support they’ve gotten from the literary community: Some of the store’s shelves were given to QABC by University Book Store, and lots of local authors volunteered to help spice up the opening weekend festivities. Starting this Friday, March 1, authors such as Maria Semple, Sherman Alexie, Matt Ruff, Jonathan Evison, and Jennie Shortridge will be in the store not to give readings, but simply to hang out, talk with the neighbors, sign books, and browse the stacks. Go join them! This ought to be a fun reminder of what neighborhood bookstores can be.

• Seattle’s beloved bug chef David George Gordon suffered a stroke recently, but, friends tell us, he has thankfully “not experienced any loss of his cognitive abilities, musical skills, or insect-cooking prowess.” The Cafe Racer family is holding a fundraiser to offset his medical costs with original illustrations from his Eat-aBug Cookbook for sale, plus lots of live music and a bake sale (no bugs). It’s March 7, from 6 p.m. to midnight, at Cafe Racer. Please do go!

• Balagan Theater is getting a new artistic director and is considering leaving the Erickson Theater Off Broadway. The company signed a two-year management contract with Seattle Central Community College and moved into the Erickson in the summer of 2011. Since then, Balagan has produced a string of musicals including Avenue Q Next to Normal, and Spring Awakening. (They also performed Hedwig and the Angry Inch at the Moore Theater.) “Given that we’re already selling out the Erickson on a regular basis,” said marketing director Christine Bateman, “our board of directors has formed an exploratory committee to research larger venues.” She also said that SCCC hasn’t committed to renewing the contract. This week, Balagan also announced that artistic director Shawn Belyea will be replaced by Louis Hobson, who has appeared in several Broadway musicals including the original cast of Next to Normal ■

ERIC FREDERICKSEN Says salmon don’t care what the art looks like.

ANNE FENTON

ARTS GOSSIP BY THE KING OF DENMARK

CULTUREBOT

Everyone’s a Critic

writing that’s information-light and positive-attitude-dense.

NYC’s Culturebot addresses questions about contemporary performance and how we talk about it in this one-night-only performance/lecture. Featuring Jose Amador, Matthew Richter, Tonya Lockyer, Brendan Kiley, Tommer Peterson, Olivia Menzer and Serge Gart.

It’s a shame, because the premise of the book is solid: Government does need to understand how to use technology better. But Newsom tosses ideas onto the wall and doesn’t seem to care if they stick. Some of the ideas that Newsom presents—including starting a sort of Yelp-like review system for government agencies where the bestreviewed departments get rewards every week or month, and crowd-sourcing solutions to problems using incentivization—sound reasonable enough on the surface. But the picture that Newsom finally focuses on is a United States government that has been “empowered” with the ruthlessness of a late1990s dot-com startup. As President Obama has been arguing since his second inauguration, government is responsible for some things that no other business can (or should) handle, and you can’t apply the tools of unrestrained free enterprise—which is what Newsom is talking about here—to government without a fundamental change in the government-citizen relationship.

We don’t need a government that crowd-sources work for free that skilled government workers now perform, and applying the customer-is-always-right principle of social media to essential government functions is only going to make life more miserable for government employees. Making it easier for people to get their garbageman fired for not smiling enough isn’t going to make the essential business of a city happen any faster. It’s just going to result in higher jobless numbers. Newsom is a gifted politician—as mayor of San Francisco, he single-handedly jump-started the national conversation about gay marriage nearly a decade ago—but in Citizenville, he seems unable to separate his good ideas from his shit ones. n

fits awkwardly into the production, and the questions that supposedly propelled the project never really get asked.

We (kind of) follow the story of Christine, Dez, Ingrid, Kayla, and Bryan as told through their present-day selves and their 1990s versions. Confusingly, the two sets of characters don’t look anything alike, but they also don’t really seem alike (except the Ingrids, with their similar grins and thumb-biting habits).

The band angle is also hard to follow—the musicians never take off as personalities, just staying put while characters rotate on and off the stage. (Though Harley stood out as a guitarist and seemed much more than just a hired hand.) In the midst of this confusion, there is too much actorly varnish—dancey dancing, Broadway-style singing—on these supposedly gritty, angry people.

The dialogue is glib and ostentatious in a 1990s way (“didactic discourse,” anyone?), which is sometimes funny, but the narrative clunks along with too many cheap hits of nostalgia: “Who the hell is Soundgarden?” “Did you guys hear about the teen dance ordinance?” The historical winking and nudging is heavy-handed to the point of mom-dinner embarrassment. Mom! I’ve heard you and your friends tell these stories to each other my whole life! We get it! Tell me something new! And, for the love of god, stop making devil horns!

theater

Mom! Stop Making Devil Horns!

The Confusing Nostalgia Trip of These Streets

by e mily Nokes

The 20th anniversary of that pride/ cringe-inducing time in Northwest history—those pivotal years when the world finally turned its gaze to Seattle, saw the flannel, heard the squall, and said, “We’ll take it, how much do you want for it?”—has brought a surge of new books and documentaries examining The Time When We Did the Big Thing. Sarah Rudinoff (playwright, actress, singer, and Stranger Genius Award winner) and Gretta Harley (composer and musician) also felt they had a story to tell—a version with more estrogen—and set out to interview the women who made music in Seattle between 1989 and 1995. These Streets is a fictional concoction they assembled with playwright Elizabeth Kenny based on what they learned. What did they learn, exactly? It’s tough to say.

The impulse behind These Streets makes all the sense in the world. Women are underrepresented in history! Women in Seattle, making music! Yes! Tell me more! But there are problems.

For starters, These Streets is confusing. Characters are tough to identify, stories trail off, contradictions contradict, the live band

Stories unique to women in music—sexism in the scene, problems getting recognition— are missing. The characters lightly brush over a few lady issues, but seem committed to remaining vague. Their gist: “We were misclassified as riot grrrls, which is wrong because riot grrrls were a political movement, or feminists, because we figured that, you know, that work had already been done. We didn’t want to be known as women, just as people who could fucking rock out.” Devil horns. If the idea is that women should just be left to rock out and not pestered to take any stands about gender (which is perfectly reasonable), then These Streets is simply the tale of a few ’90s bands that didn’t make it big. The ’90s are already difficult to represent, and These Streets compounds the problem with a kaleidoscope of voices and writers. (The program cites more than 40 interviews, and the director’s note is almost an apology for how confusing the story is.) First, Seattle sucked because no one paid attention (no bands ever toured here!), then Seattle sucked because everyone paid attention (evil record labels!), now Seattle sucks because no one paid attention correctly (my band wasn’t mentioned in the retrospective!). The ’90s now wants the same thing as the ’90s then: nothing and everything and you’ll never fucking get it, man. But y’know, some music just never makes it out of the basement. n

opera

Disney for Adults

La Bohème Will Thrill Your Eyes and Earholes

by Domi N ic h ol DeN

Igrew up hating opera. My parents would blast it on Saturday mornings, and when friends came over to play, they suggested we play outside. Watching it on TV was worse: Sopranos sounded tinny though the tiny speakers, and the stage work looked motionless on the small screen. It wasn’t until I saw live opera in my 20s—where the world’s chief singing talents are stretching the limits of the human voice and moving across vast stages— that I got it. Opera is high-stakes and intense. If you’re opera-curious but worried that

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Sustainable Path: Enlisting Nature to Stem Climate Change (2/27)

Joe Janes: Documents That Changed the World (2/27)

Paul Muldoon: Poems that Double as Rock Lyrics (2/28)

ArtsCorps: YouthSpeaks Poetry Grand Slam (3/1)

NWAPS: Dr. Mark Smaller: A Psychoanalytic Approach for a School Community and Troubled Adolescents (3/1)

Puget Sound Symphony Orchestra: Winter Concert (3/2)

LUCO: Chamber Music Cabaret (3/3)

Scratch Night: David Mitsuo Nixon: Kunjabunja Art Party (3/3)

Gavin Newsom with Toby Crittenden: Take the Town Square Digital & Reinvent Government (3/4)

w 3/5Doublefeature!Twofor$5 w

UW Science Now: Sonia Singhal: Evolution Comes Alive (3/5)

Po Bronson & Ashley Merryman: The Science of Competition (3/5)

NW Children’s Fund Forum: Adverse Childhood Experiences and Building Resilience (3/6)

w 3/6Doublefeature!Twofor$5 w UW Science Now:

Juliana Houghton: Are We (Noisily) Loving Whales to Death? (3/6)

Katherine Bouton: Life After Deaf: The Hidden Disability of Hearing Loss (3/6)

you’ll be bored, confused about what to see, and concerned that it will all be nonsensical caterwauling you can’t understand because you don’t speak Italian, don’t worry. This is the opera for you.

Giacomo Puccini’s La Bohème, which was the basis for the musical Rent, is a staple of opera houses everywhere thanks to its tried-and-true story about the most triedand-true subjects: love and death. And Seattle Opera has pulled out every stop with a production that is not just expertly sung, but also deftly acted and decked with glorious staging. It’s a wonder for the first-timer as well as people who have seen it a half-dozen times (including my mom, who cried at all the right moments).

don’t feel bilious—they feel like puking. And coughing.

Lecture: Deborah Willis

review La Bohème

Seattle Opera at McCaw Hall

The curtain rises on the first act to reveal two Parisian bohemians, cold as penguins in their attic flat, considering tossing a chair into their little stove for heat. They think better of that and choose to burn the poet’s manuscript instead. It’s a funny moment, and you can follow along because Seattle Opera’s Jonathan Dean writes succinct, pithy English subtitles that are projected on a huge screen.

Through March 10

The female lead, Mimi, has tuberculosis. Nineteenth-century France is a bummer like that. So it’s gotta be so hard for her to sing, right? Not at all! Elizabeth Caballero has literally one of the finest voices I’ve ever heard, crushing the men onstage with a booming, elastic vibrato that dominates McCaw Hall. Imagine the world’s creamiest, richest vanilla custard—now imagine that as a serenade. The only drag about La Bohème is that Caballero is not singing constantly throughout the show (and she takes some nights off, so check the schedule). Her male counterpart, Rodolfo (played by tenor Francesco Demuro), was comparatively lackluster on opening night, sounding thin in the upper registers and meek beside Caballero.

In one classic translation of La Bohème, for example, a character refers to a song that “sickens” him and makes him “bilious.” Dean translates that line more directly as “that song of his will make me puke.” Which is perfect: In the so-called verismo operas of the late 1800s, the situations are more realistic (people get diseases) and the characters more common (they are bohemians). They

But on the whole, this production is rocksolid and pretty enough to entertain a deaf man. The second act takes place in a bustling cafe and street scene with scampering children, a stilt walker, balloons, lights and lanterns, waiters, real food, and all the hustle of a Disney cartoon feast. In the third act, it’s snowing. Stage snow may not be entirely uncommon, but it pours through the entire act, piling onto berms of more snow, collecting on trash cans and trees and streets and streetlamps and our lovers.

The gorgeous design is a ton of gravy on a classic that, without overshadowing wonderful storytelling, makes opera totally accessible to everyday slouches like me who don’t even want to listen to it on the radio. n

arts calendar Only the most noteworthy stuff.

art

Museums

H Henry Art GAllery

The Dowsing: Seattle designer Anna Telcs handmakes garments that feel sacred and ritual even though their exact purpose and function is usually unspecified. This is an exhibition of her pieces, with a pair of performances that feature them on warm human bodies. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through May 5. Out [o] Fashion Photography: Embracing Beauty extends New York scholar Deborah Willis’s journey to the heart of photography. This new exhibition, created in residence at the Henry and especially for the Seattle museum, looks at artistic and ethnographic photography—comparing the images collected by the Henry Art Gallery and the University of Washington Libraries, Special Collections. What kind of beauty goes where? $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jul 7. 4100 15th Ave NE 543-2280.

H SeAttle Art MuS eu M Aaaaaand, we’re back to the dudes. Beer-swilling ones, though! From the press release for this exhibition, Rembrandt, Van Dyck, Gainsborough: The Treasures of Kenwood House, London, which visits SAM as one of three stops in the US, “Donated by Edward Cecil Guinness, 1st Earl of Iveagh (1847–1927) and heir to the world’s most successful brewery, the collection was shaped by the tastes of the Belle Epoque—Europe’s equivalent to America’s Gilded Age—when the earl shared the cultural stage and art market with other industry titans such as the Rothschilds, J. Pierpont Morgan, and Henry Clay Frick.” With works by artists from Rembrandt, Gainsborough, van Dyck, Hals, Reynolds, and Turner. $15 suggested. WedSun. Through May 19. 1300 First Ave, 625-8900.

Gallery

Openings

Art/ not ter M inAl GAllery

American Contemporary and German Expressionism : new paintings by Larry Corbett and Madison BadDoberan. Free. Reception Sat Mar 2, 6 pm. Wed-Sun. Through March 30. 2045 Westlake Ave, 233-0680.

ltD. Art GAllery MINTcondition, Issue No. 2 joins the madness of the Emerald City Comicon with an all-comics show. Free. Reception Fri Mar 7, 7-11 pm. Tues-Sun. Through March 30. 307 E Pike St M. roS ettA Hunter Art GAllery (SeAttle CentrAl CoMM unity ColleG e) War Is Trauma : prints by the artists of the Justseeds Artists’ Cooperative. One print features the silhouettes of green toy soldiers trapped in prescription bottles. Free. Reception Wed Feb 27, 5-7 pm. Mon-Fri. Through March 21. 1701 Broadway, #2BE2116, 344-4379.

H ViG nette S Call of the Mild: J.D. Banke’s slacker art features terrible handwriting and calculatedly careless collages on wood panels. Free. Opening/Closing Reception Fri Mar 1, 7-10 pm. March 1-2. El Capitan Apartments, 1617 Yale Ave

Events

H AliCe WH eeler: Arti St tAlK A rare opportunity to hear rockhard feminist photographer Alice Wheeler (who doesn’t often give public talks) discuss her work documenting Seattle’s grungy side. RSVP to artevent@ microsoft.com. Microsoft Conference Center, Bldg 33, 16070 NE 36th Way, Redmond. Free. Fri Mar 1, 12-1 pm.

H DeBorAH Willi S leCture

Photography is Deborah Willis’ life: She’s a professor and chair of the Department of Photography and Imaging at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, an award-winning photographer whose work has been shown around the world, a curator for more than 30 years, and a writer of thoughtful, intelligible art criticism in books like Black Venus 2010: They Called Her Hottentot and Michelle Obama: The First Lady in Photographs This lecture opens the Henry Art Gallery’s new exhibition, Out [o] Fashion Photography: Embracing Beauty which she curated. Henry Art Gallery, 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280. $10 suggested. Fri March 1, 7-8 pm.

H SAlon reViS ite D: PlAy in DoorS Amanda Manitach, Hedreen Gallery curator, invites community arts organizer Joey Veltkamp

and artist Klara Glosova to host the last event of this four-part series. Unlike Ryan Mitchell, who wanted to “blow your dick off” at the last event, Glosova only asks that you “come as you are, sneakers recommended, shorts are optional.” Hedreen Gallery, Seattle University, 901 12th Ave, 296-2244. Free. Sat Mar 2, 12-1:30 pm.

tAMArA H en DerSon: Arti St tAlK As part of the University of Washington’s Critical Issues in Contemporary Art series, the New Foundation Seattle invites Vancouver-based artist Tamara Henderson to discuss her most recent work. Henry Art Gallery 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280. art.washington.edu/lecturetamara-henderson/. Free. Thurs Feb 28, 7 pm.

H tH en i S AlSo noW leCture S erie S: G reen GolD Then Is Also Now ambitiously sets out to trace the history of Seattle’s creative landscape in five lectures. In this second lecture, Frye curator Scott Lawrimore facilitates a discussion with John and Shari Behnke— the collectors who bankroll the Neddy Award and the New Foundation Seattle—and Jamie Walker—associate director of UW’s School of Art—about the relationship between private philanthropy and the beginnings of the city’s most important art institutions. Frye Art Museum 704 Terry Ave, 622-9250. fryemuseum.org/event/4848/. $15. Thurs Feb 28, 6:30 pm. visualart@thestranger.com

readings

Wed 2/27

CH loe CoSCArelli Coscarelli is “the first-ever vegan chef to win Food Network’s hit series Cupcake Wars .” Now she’s reading from her dessert cookbook. University Book Store, 4326 University

Thurs

Mon 3/4

AMY BHATT AND NALINI IYER

Bhatt and Iyer will give a special reading of their cultural study, Routes and Reflections: South Asians in the Pacific Northwest Third Place Books , 17171 Bothell Way NE, 366-3333. Free. 7 pm.

H STEPHEN GREENBLATT

Greenblatt’s The Swerve: How the World Became Modern is a celebrated book which claims that Lucretius’ On the Nature of Things predicted the modern world. Benaroya Hall , 200 University St, 621-2230. $5-70. 7:30 pm.

readings@thestranger.com

theater

Opening and Current Runs

5 X TENN (OR SO)

Six rare one-acts by Tennessee Williams published after his death, including Chalky White Substance (about a post-apocalyptic dystopia) and Kingdom of Earth (about a flooded New Orleans). Stone Soup Theater at Downstage, 4029 Stone Way, 800-838-3006. $12.50-$25. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm with select Sunday matinees. Through March 9.

ANNA KARENINA Leo Tolstoy’s tragedy about an aristocratic affair in 1870s Russia. This new stage adaptation is by Kevin McKeon (How They Attack Us) and directed by Mary Machala. Book-It Repertory Theater at Center House Theater, Seattle Center, bookit.org. $23-$45. Wed-Sat at 7:30 pm, Sun at 2 pm with occasional weekend matinees. Through March 3.

H I WON’T BE IGNORED

Blood Squad improvises horror movies from audience title suggestions. This round is inspired by movies like Fatal Attraction and Single White Female Balagan Theater 1117 E Pike St, www.

balagantheatre.org. $10. Fri at 11 pm. Through March 8.

H LA BOHÈME

See review, page 20. McCaw Hall, 321 Mercer St, seattleopera.org. $15-$225. Performance days vary by week, see seattleopera.org for details. Through March 10.

NEXT TO NORMAL

“The winner of three 2009 Tony Awards and the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for drama, Next to Normal is not an easy show to watch or perform. At its February 8 opening at the Erickson Theater Off Broadway, neither the six-person cast nor I were quite up to the task. All the performances are more than competent, but nobody stands out in a show with a sometimes-complex score that screams for standout performances. It made for an uneven evening in which every time I’d written off a performer, he or she would suddenly surprise me, and every time I thought was about to be blown away, I never was.”

(Goldy) Erickson Theater Off Broadway, 1524 Harvard Ave, 587-5400. $20-$25. Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 and 7 pm. Through March 2.

PHOTOGRAPH 51

“Rosalind Franklin and Maurice Wilkins worked together at King’s College London, just a train ride away from and a few steps behind James Watson and Francis Crick in the race to discover the structure of DNA. But Franklin was a woman and, according to the play and some historians, the sexism at King’s alienated her. Photograph 51 argues that Franklin’s icy relationship with Wilkins, plus her obsessively slow and methodical working style, are the reason she and Wilkins lost the race.” (Brendan Kiley) Seattle Repertory Theater, 155 Mercer St, Seattle Center, 443-2222. $25-$55. Tues-Sun at 7:30 pm with select weekend matinees. Through March 10.

H REWILDING

A world-premiere collaboration between Martyna Majok and the rigorous young theater ensemble Satori Group, which experiments with building new works and immersive environments for

audiences. The play is a series of human dramas—romance, jealousy, friction—in a remote forest community with shades of primitivist anarchism. Inscape, 815 Airport Way S, www.satori-group. com. $10-$15. Fri-Sun at 8 pm. Through March 17.

H SPF #7: SOLO

PERFORMANCE FESTIVAL

Each year, the SPF festival of solo performance brings some new gem, usually a thrilling new performer we didn’t know existed or a great, unexpected direction from a performer we thought we knew. The seventh annual SPF brings another round of promising shows, including Hippiecrit:

I Want to Change the World, I

Just Don’t Feel Like It by Bhama

Roget, I Can Hear You But I’m

Not Listening by Jennifer Jasper, and other shows by Tina Vernon (directed by Valerie CurtisNewton), Peggy Plant/Mama Tits, and Lisa Koch. Theater Off Jackson, 409 Seventh Ave S, www.brownpapertickets.com.

$15-$18. Various days and times, see www.theatreoffjackson.org for full schedule. Through March 23.

THESE STREETS

See review, page 20. ACT Theater, 700 E Union St, 2927676. $5-$30. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through March 10.

Burlesque

BOYS! BOIS! BOYS! A biannual boylesque show featuring Jett Adore, Ernie Von Schmaltz, Waxie Moon, and others. Oddfellows Hall, 915 E Pine St, Ste 200, www.brownpapertickets.com. $20-$50. Fri March 1 at 7:30 and 10 pm.

Dance

H THE NEW ANIMALS

The New Animals, with choreographer Markeith Wiley (who has been featured in A&P), presents RepSho!—a newly commissioned work and an elaboration on a yearlong project titled TRE Velocity Dance Center , 1621 12th Ave, www.brownpapertickets. com. $13-$15. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through March 2. theater@thestranger.com

CHOW

Of Monsters and Balance

You Don’t Measure a Sandwich’s Success with a Ruler

BY PAUL CONSTANT

Afew weeks ago, a single Australian teenager kicked off a worldwide social-media protest that was, like most socialmedia protests, a quaint mixture of meaningful activism and

outright silliness. It started with a Facebook post showing a “footlong” Subway sandwich next to a tape measure that clearly showed the sandwich measured 11 inches. The photograph was promptly shared thousands of times all around the world, and other people documented their local Subways’ shortcomings with their own photos. Three lawsuits were filed against Subway in the United States. Subway Australia responded with a soon-to-be-deleted Facebook post claiming that the footlong name was “not intended to be a measurement of length.” Subway eventually came around, apologizing and promising that all their footlong sandwiches would measure a foot from now on. But what, exactly, did those online protesters win? It’s like that awful joke about

winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics: The only thing better than winning an extra inch of a Subway sandwich is not eating a Subway sandwich in the first place. There’s no reason, when you live in a city, to eat a damned Subway sandwich. No excuses. There’s always a better sandwich within five minutes’ walk. Sometimes, there’s even a great sandwich. There are at least 10 Subways within a mile of Zaccagni’s (97B Pike St, 765-6605), a new lunch counter in Pike Place Market just across from Seattle’s Best Newsstand. (Zaccagni’s replaced the beautiful Wonder Freeze storefront, and, sadly, the shiny new counter is strikingly dull in comparison to Wonder Freeze’s gaudy glory.) They have fewer than half a dozen sandwiches on offer, but any one

of meat inside, from the crunchy bacon to the juicy pulled pork, but odds are you’ll wind up licking rivers of sweet, smoky barbecue sauce off your fingers no matter how genteelly you attack the thing. Sometimes you have to let a monster be a monster, even if you wind up with a mess, quite literally, on your hands.

There’s something to be said for the simple pleasures of crouching over a pile of meat in some frigid South Lake Union alley like an animal as the Amazonians trundle by, but sometimes a roof and walls contribute to the enjoyment of a beastly sandwich. The new location of popular torta shop Barriga Llena (formerly on Aurora, now at 219 Broadway E, 782-1220) will be familiar to many; it’s located in the rear of the Broadway Alley, where Guanaco’s Tacos Pupuseria used to be. (Pupusa lovers should not be too alarmed: Guanaco’s is still hale and hearty and frying up yuca in their original location in the U-District.) If the man behind the counter suggests, “You can’t go wrong with the barrigona,” you should listen to him.

“Barrigón” is Spanish for “potbellied,” and the description of the barrigona ($7.95) on the menu clearly explains the name: “Breaded steak, homemade chorizo, pork leg steak, sausage, and cheese.” Yes, it’s another monster, but it’s surprisingly manageable; think of it less as a feeding trough and more of an all-star team. In this sandwich, you get a little bit of everything that makes Barriga Llena such a standout in the field of tortas. The meats are all flavorful, and they play nice with the layers of mayonnaise, black beans, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and cheese you’ve come to expect on a fluffy torta roll. With Capitol Hill’s recent accumulation of good Mexican food, it’s good to specialize: Though Barriga Llena’s tortas are more expensive than, say, Rancho Bravo’s, they’re indisputably tastier, and they’ve clearly been crafted by sandwich experts.

of those sandwiches would cause a Subway sandwich to shrivel a couple of inches out of sheer shame.

The eggplant Parmesan ($7) is a surprisingly delicate sandwich—the breaded eggplant slices are thin, and there’s a manageable amount of marinara spread on top, which the chewy roll from Le Panier manages to absorb without leaving a mess. Those expecting a gutbomb will be disappointed, but the balance is admirable, with the tangy sauce and the lightly fried slices of eggplant playing subtly off each other. Zaccagni’s meatball sandwich ($7) isn’t the best in the Market—that’s still LoPriore Bros., over in Post Alley—but this might be the best eggplant Parmesan within a 10-Subway walk.

Any one of these sandwiches would cause a Subway sandwich to shrivel a couple of inches out of sheer shame.

Of course, sometimes a delicate sandwich is the exact opposite of what you want. For those times, you should track down the new food truck called Now Make Me a Sandwich (now makemeasandwich.com, 714-5090). I’m not generally a fan of everything-and-the-kitchensink monster sandwiches, but NMMAS’s Bad Lieutenant ($10) is a charmer: pulled pork, bacon, ham, and provolone, topped with chipotle barbecue sauce and apple coleslaw on a grilled telera roll. It’s a sloppy mess of a sandwich, but it’s also a magical journey through a realm of pork flavors. The bread does its best to contain the force of the different types

But enough of the monsters. The most important part of making a sandwich, as exactly no Subway sandwich artist will ever be able to tell you, is balance. When you sit down with a well-balanced sandwich, you never suffer from the desire to measure the thing, snap a cruddy cell-phone picture of it, and slap it up on Facebook. The very new Beacon Ave Sandwiches (2505B Beacon Ave S, 453-4892) is already demonstrating a formidable grasp of balance. Consider El Centro ($7.75), a gorgeous mix of chicken, avocado, spinach, and jalapeños in a nice melted pepperjack sauce. This is a small sandwich, but it’s packed with flavor, heat, and texture. The spinach is crunchy, the chicken is fresh, the cheese sauce adds a little bit of daring to the whole thing, and the pasta salad on the side—every sandwich at Beacon Ave Sandwiches comes with a side of pasta salad—is subtle and filling and thankfully not mayonnaisey. It’s a satisfying lunch, but it’s not going to make you want to nap the afternoon away or ruin your dinner. From the laid-back counter service, to the friendly neighborhood vibe, to the menu of sandwiches named after local landmarks, to the no-frills decor, everything about Beacon Ave Sandwiches has an effortless sense of balance. Here, you don’t need a ruler to tell you whether you’re satisfied or not. n

FOUR GREAT NEW SEATTLE SANDWICHES Clockwise from top left: Barriga Llena, Now Make Me a Sandwich, Beacon Ave Sandwiches, and Zaccagni’s. Aren’t we lucky bastards!

TOP: MOLLY BAUER; BOTTOM: KELLY O

Recent Restaurant RIPs BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT AND KIM FU

• SHOWA • Fremont: The Fremont izakaya spot from the chef of Eastlake’s (very good) Sushi Kappo Tamura only lasted about a year. Before that, fancy omakase Chiso Kappo (same chef) only made it a few years. Maybe it’s the weird upstairs space? (Which has been sold, reportedly to another restaurant.)

• BORSALINO’S • Eastlake: Even Borsalino’s (formerly a Romio’s) seemed surprised they lasted as long as they did—as their Facebook had exclaimed, “Borsalino’s has made it to our first anniversary!” Borsalino’s was in that castle-style building near the University Bridge, which used to be a club called the Scoundrel’s Lair—Soundgarden and the Melvins played there.

• GUANACO’S TACOS PUPUSERIA • Capitol Hill: Our own Megan Seling bemoans, “The delicious pupusa place on Broadway behind that Mexican restaurant across from Hana is closed! I tried to go there the other day and it was all packed up. SAD.” The Guanaco’s in the U-District is still open: Someone very busy-sounding there said, “It just didn’t work out—not enough business.” But! Already installed in the space: delightful torta-makers Barriga Llena (“full belly”), transplanted from Aurora (see page 25).

Doughnuts AND dim sum: How could a place like this close!?

• MUNCHBAR • Bellevue: Munchbar shut down shortly after the Christmas Eve shooting that claimed the life of DeShawn Milliken. KING 5 News reports that the police had received 400 calls for service from Munchbar since its opening in early 2011, and that the City of Seattle is opposed to proposed new club Aston Manor from Robert Frey (“connected” to Munchbar) on the former site of Republiq in Sodo. A fatal shooting also occurred at Republiq in 2012.

• WESTERN BAKERY & DIM SUM • Rainier Valley: This place served both doughnuts and dim sum: genius. How could it have gone wrong?!

• PARATII • Ballard: Paratii owner Sam Hassan says he has a new distillery project in the works (“a more rewarding dream”). Billy Beach (Japonessa, Gaba Sushi) plans to open a sushi bar in the space, with Hassan’s help on the bar program.

• LITTLE SHANGHAI • Capitol Hill: A few Stranger writers liked to secretly get very cheap Chinese food from this very unassuming place above the QFC on Broadway and Pike. Not anymore.

• CAFE VENUS AND MARS BAR • South Lake Union: The longtime cafe/bar/music venue lost its lease, rather suddenly as far as employees knew. As Line Out commenter cb said, “i liked that space. friendly bar staff, good food, treated bands well. i’m not really surprised to see it close though, it was a tough location.” Another commenter speculated about Amazon driving up rents in the area, while Adam

Superfan said, “WEAKNESS,” Furious Scott said, “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAME!” and matt! aptly summarized, “DAMMIT.”

• C.S. FINNEGAN’S IRISH HOUSE • Belltown: After less than a year, it’s Finnegan’s wake. Finnegan’s is survived by the Celtic Swell, the owner’s other Irish pub in West Seattle.

• FIVE FISH BISTRO • Capitol Hill: Their Peacemaker—the famed version of a po’boy with deep-fried oysters, bacon, and cheddar cheese—will be sorely missed.

• CAFFE APPASSIONATO • Queen Anne: In a sweet typewritten note in the window, the co-owners said “good-bye to this lovely Queen Anne neighborhood” after 15 years. The couple told Queen Anne View that they wanted to stay, but their attempts to negotiate the rising rent had gone ignored. Four other Appassionatos remain around town.

• ANITA’S CREPES • Ballard: After losing its lease, Anita’s had just three days to vacate its Leary Way storefront. Their website promises that coupons and gift cards will be redeemable at a “new location… We are scrambling to reopen very soon.”

• CALOZZI’S • Pioneer Square: This really good hole-in-the-wall is moving to a space in Rainier Square where a different, more nondescript cheesesteak place once lived. In the meantime, their Georgetown location is still open.

• SALEY CREPES • Capitol Hill: Saley Crepes (formerly Sucrey Saley, Sucrey & Saley, or Saley & Sucre, depending on who you ask) is moving five blocks away to a larger space. The old location will become Pie Bar, a bar with pie (yes!).

• TACO GRINGOS • Capitol Hill: Gringos has already become the Malaysian street food walk-up Kedai Makan, and the gringo taco-makers don’t sound like they’re planning on relaunching anytime soon: “We decided to mix it up and do something else for a while.”

• URBAN NOMAD • Traveling: The pasta food truck is “currently off the road.” The owners, who also run Urban Cafe, told Nosh Pit that they’re “looking for space to do another brick and mortar” and that the truck just didn’t fit. Pasta from a truck always sounded kinda weird.

• SKELLY AND THE BEAN • Capitol Hill: Despite all the community love that went into it, Zephyr Paquette’s North Capitol Hill spot shut down in late December—goodbye to the cookbook launch parties and “Incubator Series” pop-ups. Paquette hopes to find a new location, and she’s also midway through the process to get on the next season of Food Network Star

• BAMBUZA • Downtown: After an inexplicably long run, this Vietnamese restaurant has already become Metropole: American Kitchen & Bar, breaking the long streak of unremarkable Asian places occupying the corner of Eighth and Pike.

• Z’TEJAS • Bellevue: The Bellevue Square link in the Southwestern grill chain is gone, soon be replaced by another, more local Southwestern grill chain, Cactus Southwest Kitchen & Bar n

MUSIC

Eruption from the Underground

Magma Festival Oozes Cool Bands and Crazy Ideas

BY EMILY NOKES

Tune in to Hollow Earth Radio, and your ears could happen upon anything from a squealing free-jazz saxophone solo to an interview with Pete Best, your favorite local surf band to a block

of obscure Northwest hiphop, and everything in between. And I do mean everything. You can even call the voice-mail line and record your troubles, drunk dials, paranormal encounters, and public service announcements to be aired.

Founded by Garrett Kelly and Amber Kai Morgan in 2007, the onlineonly, free-form, nonprofit, allvolunteer-all-the-time operation’s commitment to weird and wonderful sounds culminates every March with a month of weekend shows called Magma Festival. Offering hiphop, hardcore, garage, pop, experimental, punk, loud, quiet, young, old—it’s a sonic buffet for every taste imaginable, and they never book the same band twice.

Magma Festival Every weekend in March hollowearthradio.org/magma

one month to cover the costs. We were incredibly overzealous. I think we had something like 15 shows every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, and maybe a Sunday, too. It was crazy. We almost died. Magma is no longer a benefit or fundraiser, but we do collect donations at the door, and we’d love to give folks a nice little receipt for a tax write-off. A substantial amount of the money the radio station uses to get by—rent, web hosting, basic equipment, toilet paper—comes from donations at events.

What is Magma Festival trying to achieve?

more people listening to them. A good example is Marianne Nowottny—who is playing this year—who should be in the canon of underground music luminaries with people like R. Stevie Moore. She’s really obscure and has been making incredibly singular and experimental music since she was a teenager in the 1990s.

In the course of our booking, we also keep diverse lineups in mind. We look to make sure people who are from underrepresented communities—people of color, people of all ages, women, queer-identified people, people with disabilities—are given a place in the lineup.

“Too raw, too challenging, too weird. We celebrate that.”

This year, Magma is offering everything from hiphop and hardcore to experimental and garage. Has it always been so eclectic?

To be honest, the first shows weren’t as eclectic, but after being disappointed with other festivals that seem to book the same bands year after year (good festivals, even), we decided to enact a policy of never booking the same band twice. We take pride in these guidelines, because it means we have a better chance of not being cliquey while also forcing us to look outside of our own friend groups for different emerging or long-dormant acts.

Individual DJs and volunteers from within Hollow Earth book and host the shows, which explains the variety. Underground music spans many genres, and some are especially underrepresented because they don’t fit into the mold of what’s appropriate for the radio: too raw, too challenging, too weird. We celebrate that. For instance, we broadcast an entire 19-hour performance of Erik Satie’s Vexations. It’s just the same three-minute piece of music played 840 times. We’re willing to go there.

Is Magma predominantly about music, or are there other kinds of art or activities involved?

In the past, we’ve done art installations. At the very first Magma, we had an installation at Windows Gallery consisting of found objects (Amber and I have a huge personal collection of found art/objects, and we sought out other people with their own collections). We put it on the walls and let people read through disturbing letters and such. There were listening stations to hear found answeringmachine tapes from thrift stores that had caught conversations. Totally wild stuff.

Magma Festival

Every weekend in March, all ages

MARCH 1

Hollow Earth Radio, 8 pm Gift uh Gab

Kung Foo Grip

Numbs

WD4D

Punishment

MARCH 2

See hollowearthradio.org/magma

Tiny Knives

Health Problems

Hate Boys

Lunch Lady

Twenty-Three

MARCH 8

See hollowearthradio.org/magma

La Luz

Dude York

Detective Agency

Weird Bug

MARCH 9

Hollow Earth Radio, 6:30 pm

Dil Withers

Carrion Spring

Walter & Perry

P.Supremo

Korvus Blackbird

Black Magic Noize

Nudes

MARCH 15

Chapel Performance Space, 7 pm, $5–$15 suggested Of Magic

A White Hunter

Bad Luck

Scorpio Scorpio Scorpio

MARCH 16

Hollow Earth Radio, 5 pm

R.C. Love and the Goodness Gracious

R.C. Love and the Goodness Gracious

Moon Joe

Ten Thousand Tigers

Autococoon

Harvey Sid Fisher

20/20 Cycle, 8 pm

Marianne Nowottny

Imaginary Pants

Steve Fisk

Slim Moon and What Army

MARCH 22

Heartland Gallery, 8 pm

Lié

Koban

Black Hat

Bardo.Basho

Daniel Shuman

MARCH 23

FREE-FORM DYSTOPIA

Six years of Magma has resulted in spectacular shows, appearances from hardto-track-down outsider celebrities, insane dreams that came true, and the time that even cops surrounding the building could not stop the dance party. I interviewed Kelly about what makes Magma and how it’s only getting more out-there.

When did Magma Festival start? What was the first one like?

The first Magma Festival was in 2008. At the time, Hollow Earth Radio had zero dollars, so we were looking for a way to have the radio station start paying for itself. We threw a bunch of benefit shows over the course of

We want to create a public forum for the people of Seattle to experience underrepresented sounds and perspectives. That’s the mission we came up with in our first year as a radio station, and Magma Festival is trying to make that a physical reality. We dream really big and think about what crazy shit we would want to see that would never ever happen. And then we bug people to death until they relent.

How do the various bands get chosen to play?

We strive to select bands and performers that are really, really underground or making weird sonic stuff that we feel should be given more exposure. The festival is very personal—all of the bands, artists, and musicians are people we adore and we wish had

We tried to build a volcano one year and have it explode, but it was like the weakest explosion ever, so we haven’t done it since. It ended up rotting in my front yard.

In 2011, we got a grant to curate an eightepisode radio documentary about the legacy of underground music in the Northwest. We called it the Sea-Port Beat and aired it that year throughout the month of Magma with in-person listening sessions at the station.

This year, we will be doing a teen radio play workshop every Saturday. If you know any teens, we are still looking for sign-ups!

How can a person get involved with Hollow Earth or Magma Festival?

It’s SUPER EASY TO BE A PART OF IT. We want people to come make the radio station better, especially if they’ve got a

Hollow Earth Radio, 8 pm

Hollow Earth Radio, 8 pm

Marielle Jakobsons

Rafael Irisarri

Logic Probe

XUA

Chrisman/Svenson Duo

MARCH 28

New City Theater, 8 pm, $10 suggested

Marisa Anderson w/Lori Goldston

Chuck Johnson

Danny Paul Grody

Jessika Kenney & Eyvind Kang Music

MARCH 29

Hollow Earth Radio, 8 pm

Green Pajamas

Smile Brigade

Zmrzlina

Caitlin Sherman

MARCH 30

Vera Project, 7 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS

Vera Project, 7 pm, $10 adv/$12 DOS

Behead the Prophet No Lord Shall Live

The Need

Hysterics

Body Betrayal

MAGMA FESTIVAL Willing to go there since 2008.

SHANA CLEVELAND

RIOTOUS ROCK

PUNK ROCK HIPHOP GET-DOWN

show they want to do that fits our mission of “underrepresented sounds and perspectives.” COME MAKE IT HAPPEN. Take over the space!

Tell me about some favorite, interesting, weird, or notable past Magma memories.

DILLON WARNEK and the DISMAL TIDE

The Texas Teardrops, Sam Russel with the Harborrats 8pm / $8 Sat 3.2

BLACKMOOR TRAVELLING PICTURE SHOW

Bucharest Drinking Team, Bakelite 78 8:30 / $10 adv - $12 day of Thu 3.7

BENOIT PIOULARD (“Hymnal” Record Release)

Tiny Vipers, Ghosts I’ve Met 8pm / $10 adv - $12 day of Fri 3.8 HELMS ALEE Sandrider, Lowmen Markos 9pm / $10

April 13

OCNOTES

Hip Hop in the Bourbon Bar 9PM EVERY SUNDAY Movie Night

Great Food and Drinks Specials Available for Private Events 21+ Thu 2.28

Light Rail/Dark Rail was a show on the light rail with like 20 musicians hopping on the train car at different stations from the International Street Station all the way to Sea-Tac and back. Something like 400 folks showed up, and the trains were just overwhelmed with people, marching bands, noise folks, women in giant beehive wigs singing, performance art.

Afterward, we had a show at Radar Hair and Records where musical collective Rob Walmart performed out of their ice-cream truck and Djin from the YaHoWha 13 (a psychedelic band made up of Source Family cult/commune members) played an improvised set with Seattle musicians.

For a grunge-inspired show, we reunited an early pre-Mudhoney improv band featuring Mark Arm and Steve Turner called the Thrown Ups. Leighton Beezer started the group in the ’80s with the premise that the band never practiced and never had any songs. Also on that bill was this guy Human Skab, who put out a tape when he was 10 YEARS OLD back in the ’80s. He was from Elma, Washington, and was championed by Bruce Pavitt back in the day. He got written about in Spin before all the other grungies, so he considers himself the original grunge band. At that same show, Al Larsen of Some Velvet Sidewalk also played and blew me away, and Tom Price of the U-Men and Gas Huffer played with his band.

Read the rest of this interview at thestranger.com/music EVERY TUESDAY Open Mic in the Bourbon Bar 7:30PM EVERY WEDNESDAY Absolute Karaoke 9PM EVERY THURSDAY

It took me two or three years to track down Jan Terri and ask her if she would come out and play a show for a bunch of sweaty kids. AND IT REALLY HAPPENED. She played at the Black Lodge, and it was amazing. The space was packed and rocking all night—it was the most overall successful Magma show I’ve been to. Super-great feel-good vibes.

At the first Magma, we were having a dance party at Windows Gallery in Fremont, and this dance-punk band Huh-Uh were playing. All of a sudden, a man ran by outside followed by a bunch of cops with their guns drawn. The cops made us all go inside the venue and close the blinds—everyone got down on the ground as cop cars spread out all around the building. A helicopter flew overhead and shined lights through the window in the ceiling, the police car lights flashed—it felt even more like a disco. We were worried there would be an imminent shootout, but eventually we got restless and the band just kicked back in with all those lights and the manhunt still happening. We just kept partying with the whole scene going on outside.

What does the future hold for Magma Fest?

We always have a stockpile of crazy ideas swirling around. I’ve always wanted to do a show that involves a big sleepover/dream journey. I also have a friend who did performances in Seattle in the ’90s with special LED glasses and binaural recordings—200 people would come sit in an auditorium and be stimulated by light flashing on their eyelids and weird music. It could make you trip the fuck out! I would love to revive this one day. I would also love to see the anarchistimprov band Audio Letter play, or a Mr. Epp and the Calculations reunion. Sir Mix-A-Lot in the Dick’s parking lot on Broadway. Or Dickless. Maybe a Magma Fest party featuring real magma from Mount Rainier. Or all of the above…

Watch the Crone

How an Instant Punk Legend Became a Celebrated Arts and Letters Lifer

by Davi D s chma D er

Now that it’s happened, it seems obvious that Patti Smith would one day follow her muse to the writing of a book. Since exploding onto the American music scene in the mid-1970s, Smith’s words have always taken center stage. The opening line of her debut album Horses—“Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not mine”—lives forever not because of its musicality or Smith’s vocal delivery, but because of its literary power and genius placement at the top of a rock song that builds into an unhinged cover of Van Morrison’s “Gloria.”

Patti Smith Wed Feb 27, Neptune, 8 pm, $36 adv/$38.50 DOS, all ages

and remains frighteningly brilliant. (The pair of word-drenched love songs in the middle—“Free Money” and “Kimberly”— still compose my favorite stretch of Smith on record.) But there’s extraordinary music to be found across her oeuvre, from 1978’s brilliant-from-startto-finish Easter to 1988’s cruelly underrated Dream of Life to 2012’s mystical Banga

A deep connection to text has been part of Smith’s art from the start. As a fledgling artist, she immersed herself in what she considered “sacred texts”—Blonde on Blonde, Let It Bleed, Electric Ladyland, the poetry of Arthur Rimbaud—studying the drives and totems of the rock canon. To make her own art, Smith drew more than inspiration from her heroes. Beyond mimicry, Smith plugged into something deep and mythical about what rock means and is capable of doing, and about what’s made humans want to bang out rhythms and scream since the void went flash. Following the Zen instruction on emulation (“Don’t do what I do—seek what I seek”), young Smith identified the work of Dylan and Hendrix and the Stones as exemplars of what the rock ’n’ roll impulse can accomplish and lit out on her own path, accompanied by the words and spirit of the libertine poet Rimbaud. (Why pinch from Jim Morrison when you can pinch from the dude he’s pinching from?)

But, of course, the most significant of Smith’s recent accomplishments is her 2010 memoir Just Kids, which tells of her life in early-’70s New York with Robert Mapplethorpe, earned excellent reviews, and ultimately won her the National Book Award. Bob Dylan’s Chronicles: Volume One had proved that rock stars can write seriously good books, and Smith’s Just Kids carried on what I hope will be a continuing tradition. (Get to work, Springsteen and Morrissey.)

Smith plugged into something deep and mythical about what rock is capable of.

The results were immediately explosive. After the half-rock/half-performance-poetry single “Hey Joe”/“Piss Factory,” in 1975, Smith unleashed the legendary, still-startling Horses, and she has remained queen of her own musical universe ever since. Patti Smith’s influence is felt far and wide, but not even the best of her emulators (Michael Stipe, PJ Harvey) can touch her. Michael and Polly may be successful managers of lightbulb factories, but Patti Smith is Thomas Edison. The enduring value of Smith’s music is by now common knowledge. Horses gets the majority of the ink, because it came first

But where Dylan’s Chronicles (brilliantly) trafficked in the same type of wordplay and mythmaking found in the man’s songs, Just Kids finds Smith in a completely new mode of expression: plainspoken, direct, almost stringently concise (especially compared to the cross-dimensional word torrents found in her songs). Where the best parts of Chronicles captured how deep the Dylan myth runs, the best parts of Just Kids rip Smith’s otherworldly rock goddess image to shreds. In one key scene, Mapplethorpe reveals his homosexuality to Smith, who can’t hide her initial shock and disdain. (The moral: Smith wasn’t born Patti Smith Mother Poet Spirit, just a girl from New Jersey, who grew up in the 1950s and learned as she went along.) Despite her near-beatification by fans, Smith has always sought to assert her humanity, whether it meant withdrawing from rock to raise a family or explicitly explaining what people see when they look at her: “Some strange music draws me in, makes me come on like some heroine.” Or is it heroin? Whatever the case, it’s from 1979’s “Dancing Barefoot,” and it’s still the best description of Patti Smith there is. n

Pinch from the dude he’s pinching from at thestranger.com/music

Patti smith With Carl Solomon, Allen Ginsberg, and William S. Burroughs, 1977.

MARCELO NOAH

The Fabulous Thunderbirds

SOUND CHECK

BY TRENT MOORMAN

SNOWDEN ANIMATES TEXTURE BETWEEN ON AND OFF

Central Tokyo, 3:35 a.m, 43rd floor: An anime animator for the movie Ghost in the Shell 4: Cells for Shirasagi sees his wife’s face in a frame he’s been rendering for 16 hours. Snowden’s “Keep Quiet” plays through his headphones on repeat. The movie’s moblord antagonist has a Jackson Pollock painting hanging in his glass-walled office. The face of the animator’s wife floats inside the frenetic lines of the impossibleto-digitize Pollock. She’s been dead for seven years. When the animator takes his headphones off, her face vanishes. But she’s keeping him company, so he puts them back on and starts the song again. Solemn tom drums begin. Voice and bass follow, falling in together.

Snowden singer/songwriter/guitarist Jordan Jeffares has a forlorn Stone Roses crux to his vocals. He breathes long, placid notes repeating, “Is it so much for me to ask?” Something seems pained, yet masked— anesthetized. Guitars fade in as angled sentinels. Jeffares continues, “I love how you ride, with your bed empty at night, even god can’t get inside.” The song is off Snowden’s second album, No One in Control, due out May 14 on Kings of Leon’s label, Serpents & Snakes. Not long ago, Snowden’s music would have been called alternative, but for now we’ll say rhythm and drone driven by staccato piston guitars and distorted lusterbass. Touches of ’90s Brit-rock thrive. Jeffares spoke from his home in Austin, Texas. Anime films were not discussed.

The word “texture” gets tossed around to describe music. I hear and sense textures with your music. What is texture to you?

The music that I love tends to be able to stand alone, without vocals. Instrumentally, it would still be rich and interesting to listen to. Whereas on the other side of the spectrum, there’s not really any texture on a Strokes record, but it’s still brilliant in its own way. Technically, I’m trying to be a little bit innovative. British rock in the 1990s was a great time for new studio techniques. Bands like the Stone Roses, the Fall, Blur. I find it really hard to just take a guitar and an amp and make something interesting—I always end up piling things on top of each other, because we’ve been listening to a guitar in a traditionally recorded format for 60 years. So trying to make something sound more interesting ends up meaning more toys and more screwing around with things. Walk me through your song “Between the Rent and Me.” What are you saying lyrically there?

What’s more primal than trying to get by? And there’s a love story in there about wanting someone, but they don’t give a shit—in that story, there was nothing else in my life except for my obsession with someone. Musically, that song started when I looped the harmonics of the guitars. I was playing with some slap delay, which makes a sound inspired by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. That sound of playing tight notes with the slap back makes this arpeggiated sound, then there’s a syncopated kick drum. I like a bit of a shimmy, almost like hiphop beats. And distorted bass on everything. When you write a track, if you can get it to stand on its own with drums and bass, you’re already

more than halfway there. For me, a lazy way of getting inspired is to do a track of really gnarly bass guitar.

I like that the vocals on that song aren't exactly on—you found a way to put your vocals somewhere in between on and off in an interesting way. It might come from the fact that I have no musical training whatsoever [laughs]. When I’m writing stuff, I’m trying to figure out why people should listen to it, and how is it different than anything else that’s out there. I’m always thinking, “The harmony would normally be this, but would it be weird in a good way if it were this?” I usually want it to be weirder, but that also lends itself to problems.

Speaking of weird, what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen anyone do to a sofa?

[Pauses] We rolled up to a venue we’d never played before in Jackson, Mississippi. The main drag in Jackson looks like WWII Europe. We pulled up, and the other band was already packing up to load out because they decided not to play. But we were there, so why not play? The place was an abandoned hotel, and as you walked down the hall to the lobby, all the doors were open, and there’s just shit scattered everywhere. There was this old couch with a crackhead on it, humping it furiously. Back at the bar area, they were playing Broken Social Scene and Interpol and Four Tet, so it was the one cool spot in town.

The spot to hump old sofas.

Yeah [laughs]. He was humping it, and he’d snap his head and look at us, and then keep humping. It ended up being a good show for us. There were about 20 people there. I’m glad we stayed and played.

Your album is coming out on Kings of Leon’s label. How did that come about?

We did some dates with them in 2007, and I've stayed friends with bass player Jared Followill. He’s a super nice guy and we like a lot of the same music. Then they started a label and asked if they could put my album out. It’s been great, I put total trust in that machine. They’re really good with social media—when they tweet about a song, like half a million people see it.

Who are some bands from Atlanta you liked when you were there?

Spirits and the Melchizedek Children, worst band name, but awesome band. Sealions is a another one, and Abby Gogo. Wait, so back to the sofa-humping guy. Did the guy ever finish?

I don’t know. Good question.

Sometimes a couch can look good. Especially when you’re hitting the crack pipe.

And when the couch looks at you with that look? You want to give it sex.

That’s why they call them love seats. If I had a cymbal crash button, I’d hit it for you… ■

FRIDAY, MARCH 1ST THE SUNSET PRESENTS MASERATI WITH JOY WANTS

ETERNITY AND THE FRUITING BODIES $10 / 9PM DOORS / 21+

Snowden

Thurs Feb 28, Barboza, 8 pm, $10, 21+

Snowden

PRESTON CRAIG

by anna minard

Anna Minard claims to “know nothing about music.” For this column, we force her to listen to random records by artists considered to be important by music nerds.

MINUTEMEN

Double Nickels on the Dime (SST)

I don’t know which terrifies me more: when the cabal of music nerds who assign me this stuff hands me an album with only four tracks (endless drug trips) or one with 40 (usually lots of shouting). Double Nickels on the Dime has 43 tracks, every last one less than three minutes long. But then the cover is really sweet—just a nice guy laughing in an old car. I was medium nervous.

The Minutemen were three dudes from Southern California, which somehow you can hear. I don’t know why that makes sense, but it just does. Is it sunniness? They do sound like they’re playing somewhere sunny, even if they’re in a basement.

And they’re total goofballs, with songs called “#1 Hit Song” (sample lyric: “Twinkle, twinkle, blah blah blah, E! T! C!”) and “Political Song for Michael Jackson to Sing” (“Organizing the Boy Scouts for murder is wrong!”). Really, the whole track list

is poetry; it just keeps going: “Maybe Partying Will Help,” “The World According to Nouns.” You can also tell they’re smart. They’re guys you want to hang out with, and listening to the album feels like hanging out with them, because it’s so straightforward and funny and somehow it seems like they’re just right there on the other side of the speaker.

I don’t always like punk; sometimes it just sounds like people who want to complain and wear a certain kind of outfit. Nap time for me. But this column has made me listen to some stuff that the internet calls punk that is energetic, interesting, surprising. (It’s always funny—and familiar—to realize, “Aha, I’m the dweeb for making uncurious music judgments.”)

It's still crappy out, so this album is a little incongruous. That could go two ways—it’s possible it could bum you out, this jammingof-the-sun-people. Or it could make you wake up from your winter stupor, shake your head a bit, and shout along with all the nouns of the world. This is a soundtrack for shenanigans and graffiti and skateboarding, for painting your nails 10 different colors and dyeing your hair with Kool-Aid.

So unless you only want to listen to sad-times music to match your sad-times heart, go find Double Nickels in your friend’s beat-up cassette collection (I mean, your neighborhood independent record store) and use its energy to fuel a whole new kind of winter adventure. Then, when summer comes around, you’ll have lots of practice living in the sunlight and you won’t feel like such a lizard-person trying to catch up.

Also, RIP, D. Boon. Finding out one of them died young is always the saddest part of learning about a band for the first time way too late.

I give this a “don’t just stand there, go verb some nouns” out of 10. n

BLUEPRINT, MC HYPHEN8D, FEEZABLE THE GERM

Columbus, Ohio’s world-travelin’, Rhymesayin’ ass Blueprint is over at Nectar on Friday, March 1, with TH3RDZ (who have a gang of dope music recorded—where it be at?), Fatal Lucciauno (who’s apparently recording like eight projects right now), Jewels Hunter (who put this whole shindig together), Nathan Wolfe, and five-piece soul/hiphop band the Sharp 5 (who likely have nothing to do with the SHARPS movement, so keep ye skinheads home). Over at the Croc that same night is the Bay’s G-Eazy, whose attempts at melding clean-cut 1950s cool with some poppy bro-rap shit (BEHOLD A PASTY HORSE, my culture) make me want to throw my laptop over the Cascades. Choose wisely.

Let me take this time to pull out a couple local albums I haven’t spoken on yet, but meant to. Nathan Carlos Finn, aka MC Hyphen8d (the more metaphysically/pharmacologically-concerned third of State of the Artist), for his first solo tape envisioned a project that culled beats from the ’90s alt-radio joints he grew up on. That is exactly the sort of thing that could be the stuff of my nightmares, as a rap fanatic and proud child of the early Buzz Bin era. Luckily for Finn, he linked up with Tacoma’s talented DJ Phinisey, who produced the whole damn thing. Earnest and poetic, but self-aware and restrained enough to avoid deep corn, Hyphen8d’s Est. 1985 balances

Feezable the Germ hails from Chicago but has called Seattle home for a while. His album Along Came a Germ is another one you shoulda heard about here by now. Armed with a sharp nasal tone reminiscent of Young Zee (look it up) and some A-lister cockiness, Germ raps hard, smokes good, and thinks hard about success. His pro flow bounces and slices well, acquitting itself admirably over the beats. Speaking of production, I don’t feel like the MC has found the right fit yet, as the beats (I can’t find any credits but I believe Gran Rapids’ Jay Battle and BeanOne both have some here) are mostly just serviceable, but they do fine as a vehicle for Germ’s rapping. His biggest drawback is probably in the chorus department—the hook on the Jay Battle–featuring “Call a Ref,” for example, should’ve gotten ejected—but his verses are way straight. I sympathize with the line “Fuck ya favorite news column” from “Nostalgia,” which has a newish video. All in all, Along is a very solid step-out from Germ, an undeniable MC whose promise promises that there’s more to come. n my philosophy

emotional intro-slash-outrospection full of references to “Hunter S” and “solipsism” with actual technical rap technique (cadence, different flows, etc.) It doesn’t all work all the time: Rappers rapping over “Teen Spirit” are just a huge no-no. While I didn’t love Phinisey’s flip (what are you gonna do with one of the most recognizable riffs of all time?), it somehow didn’t offend me to the core. Hyphen8d and Phinisey do better when they’re off of the grunge sacred cows and turning the more ’90s pop-alt (Alanis Morissette, Third Eye Blind, White Town) shlock into surprisingly proper backdrops.

hiphop ya don't stop

by Larry miZELL J r.

UP&COMING

Lose your homemade party raft every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 39 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 2/27

Patti Smith (Neptune) See preview, page 31.

Rangda, Master Musicians of Bukkake (Barboza) How much super-brainy instrumental firepower can you handle? Rangda—Sir Richard Bishop (guitar), Ben Chasny (guitar), and Chris Corsano (drums)—will test your mettle, as they harness a molten strain of rock whose cyclotronic fury will leave your ears smoking; check out “Fist Family” from Rangda’s False Flag for an idea of what I’m babbling about. The trio’s latest album, Formerly Extinct, is a less combustible and more Easternsounding display of their nuanced, maverick chemistry. Master Musicians of Bukkake are the most fascinating and inspirational band in Seattle right now. Every show’s different, every show’s a mesmerizing, mystical mindfuck. DAVE SEGAL

Toro Y Moi, Sinkane, Dog Bite (Crocodile) Relax to the spacey, soft-focus paradise pop of Sinkane—also known as multi-instrumentalist Ahmed Gallab of Columbus, Ohio, by way of Sudan—as persistent ’70s-style funk lines noodle around blooming vocals and fluid percussion. Gallab has played with/in bands like Of Montreal and Yeasayer, and though some comparisons could be made, Sinkane leans more toward a “mellow beach spliff” style than the “torrential sheets of acid” bent his friends have been on recently. Also playing are Toro Y Moi (hazy, synth on ice—you read Trent Moorman’s spirulina-coated interview with Chaz

project of Phil Jones). EMILY NOKES

Thursday 2/28

Snowden

(Barboza) See Sound Check, page 33.

Derrick Carter (Q) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Witch Mountain, blackQueen, Golgothan Sunrise

(Comet) I kinda forgot about paying attention to doom metal, until I saw that fucking crazy and amazing documentary Last Days Here, about Pentagram singer Bobby Liebling. Listening to Pentagram got me wanting more, and suddenly, um, HELLO, WITCH MOUNTAIN! The Portland group stands out against their doom brothers Sabbath, Saint Vitus, and Candlemass because their lead singer is a sister, not a brother, named Uta Plotkin. Her voice reminds me of a young Ann Wilson belting out “Barracuda,” except Plotkin’s is soaring higher and more wildly over some of the heaviest of metals. Also, like all doom, it sounds extra good when you’re stoned. Hey, that’s legal now here! KELLY O

Mozart’s Flute Concerto No. 1

(Benaroya) This is your chance to really hear that recently appointed principal flute who’s been making your ears perk up back there in the winds section, Demarre McGill. Guest-conducted by Douglas Boyd in an all-Mozart program, including Symphony No. 1 and the “Haffner” serenade. Also March 2. JEN GRAVES

Friday 3/1

Blueprint, TH3RDZ, Fatal Lucciauno, Jewels Hunter, Nathan Wolfe, the Sharp 5 (Nectar) See My Philosophy, page 35.

Magma Festival (Various) See preview, page 29.

Why?, Dream Tiger, Astronautalis (Neumos) See Underage, page 44.

Yo Gabba Gabba! Live: The Sillies (Paramount) Late last century, two new fathers in Southern California had an idea: Let’s make a children’s television show that exposes kids to actual good art in a totally fun way. The result is Yo Gabba Gabba!, the Nickelodeon smash that’s seen such guests performers as Snoop Dogg, Devendra Banhart, Talib Kweli, Dave Grohl, Moby, and the Drive-By Truckers. Tonight, the Yo Gabba Gabba! experience lands at the Paramount, with special guest star Biz Markie. Here is a perfect opportunity to celebrate in post–Initiative 502 Seattle. DAVID SCHMADER

Hey Marseilles, Y La Bamba, Pollens (Showbox at the Market) The lads of Hey Marseilles make elegant folk pop that swells triumphantly in between stripped-down side hugs of piano or simple guitar. Matt Bishop’s vocals are made of crystal and ring earnest in their storytelling (the yearning!), backed by masterful musicianship—bowed string instruments, sometimes bells, sometimes brass (and even accordion in there, why not?). It’s a familiar sound, but it’s not trite, which is the pit that other attempts often tumble into. Most importantly, these boys are certainly a band you could take home to your parents—your mom would be charmed by their impeccable hair, and your father would let them drink his fancy Scotch. This is HM’s album-release show for their newest, Lines We Trace EMILY NOKES

Maserati, Joy Wants Eternity, Fruiting Bodies

(Sunset) Athens, Georgia’s Maserati make some of the most aerodynamically cool driving music in America. A strictly instrumental quartet, they concoct a spacey prog-rock/stoic-disco fusion that fosters efficient, linear motion. Fans of Goblin, Zombi, and Trans Am should buckle themselves in for a heroic, epic joyride. DAVE SEGAL

Saturday 3/2

Magma Festival (Various) See preview, page 29.

XXYYXX, Giraffage, Kid Smpl (Re-bar) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Etbonz, Acidfarm, Temples, USF (Cairo) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Umbra Dogs, Corespondents, Jeffery Taylor (Blue Moon) Umbra Dogs combine the ungodly powers of experimental guitarist Bill Horist and improv saxophone giant Wally Shoup. With no Umbra Dogs music available to hear at the moment, it’s hard to provide detailed analysis. But anyone who’s

Bundwick last week, right?) and Dog Bite (the airy pop

cocked an ear to Seattle’s fertile underground music scene knows how devastatingly inventive these players are. Same goes for Climax Golden Twins guitarist Jeffery Taylor, whose exploratory and fiery excursions into noise rock and nimble forays into blues and folk idioms always impress. Corespondents are one of the city’s most adroit adapters of atypical tunings, using the Greek bouzouki and Vietnamese dan-bao to forge beautifully ominous tonalities and an antique mystique. This sort of thing can descend into kitsch, but Corepondents’ virtuosity and acute compositional instincts keep their music cornpone-free.

DAVE SEGAL

Blues Control, Dull Knife, Brain Fruit, Explorateur, Veins

(Comet) The deceptively named Blues Control— Coopersburg, Pennsylvania–based Lea Cho and Russ Waterhouse—have been refining their distinctively mutational take on rock, dub, and jazz over four albums. The murkily psychedelic excursions of Puff and Blues Control (both from 2007) have given way to more vividly hued recent full-lengths Lo-

cal Flavor and Valley Tangents. What makes Blues Control’s music stand out from their peers is Cho’s gorgeous, expressive piano playing, which dances elegantly amid Waterhouse’s often-discordant guitar riffs and dubwise abstractions. Blues Control blur genres into a bitches’ brew of transportational properties—even successfully moving into skewed new-age territory in collaboration with the legendary Laraaji on FRKWYS Vol. 8 DAVE SEGAL

Sunday 3/3

The Slackers, Georgetown Orbits (Crocodile) See Underage, page 44.

Yes

(Moore) Holy prog-rock trinity, Batman! British icons Yes perform in their entirety three LPs from their erratically brilliant catalog: The Yes Album (1971), Close to the Edge (1972), and Going for the One (1977). Nothing succeeds like excess with Yes, and this show is geared for the die-hard afi-

cionado… with much disposable income. The Yes Album boasts fan favorites like “Yours Is No Disgrace,” “Starship Trooper,” and “I’ve Seen All Good People.” You can hear the band revving up to their peak here. Close to the Edge is massive, scarily virtuosic, and as baroque as the inner workings of the stock exchange. Gird your third ear for this one. Going for the One is the least remarkable of the three works (Fragile would’ve been the better choice), but by this point in the show you’ll be so devastated from the previous two classics, you’ll need a respite from the soaring artistry. (Jon Davison replaces original singer Jon Anderson; Chris Squire, Steve Howe, Alan White, and Geoff Downes complete the lineup.) DAVE SEGAL

Monday 3/4

Psychic Ills, Föllakzoid, Kingdom of the Holy Sun (Crocodile) There’s still plenty of mileage left in the motorik rhythm. That metronomic beat pioneered by genius Germans Neu! circa “Hallogallo” has powered umpteen bands since the early ’70s, and its seemingly inexhaustible propulsion flourishes even in Chile, where the most excellent Föllakzoid dwell. Recording for Sacred Bones (as do laid-back psych-boogie tourmates Psychic Ills), Föllakzoid play mellowly urgent and trance-inducing space rock that suggests they have ice water flowing through their veins. There’s a fine line between monotony and transcendence, and Föllakzoid’s repetitious, minimalist tracks achieve the difficult feat of making you wish they’d last forever—or until last call.

See also Stranger Suggests, page 17.

Tuesday 3/5

Lemolo, OCnotes, Spac3man, Seacats (Neumos) These are some particularly rad, of-thisplace people, artists who couldn’t be from anywhere else. Lemolo, you know, are ladies from Poulsbo who met as kayak instructors. They send a quiet pop magic seeping out over the crowd, until people start making out and being tender and

sometimes get weepy. It’s super-sweet. Seacats are two brothers from Kelso plus their band, and their smart pop feels like a kiss from your ’90s dude best friends, all grown up. Hella prolific OCnotes is more and more a symbol of 206 pride; sometimes as half of Metal Chocolates, sometimes melting brains solo, he’ll take you out of the past and into the dreamy future. Spac3man I don’t know as well, but his live shows are supposed to be spectacular. This show is a send-off for all these artists to head to SXSW, and your dollars will go toward their journey. Make Seattle proud! Give ’em your love!

ANNA MINARD

Caspian, Native, You May Die in the Desert (Barboza) Caspian’s latest album, Waking Season, is an instrumental electro-rock record that is so dynamic, and so cinematic, that you can’t listen to it without it becoming the perfect soundtrack of everything that surrounds you. The staccato plucks of the guitar strings are the raindrops falling into the puddles. The rhythmic but fluid drumming is the flow of thoughts inside your head. The fuzzy, pounding synthesizer beats down just like quick footsteps against wet pavement, and while the fluttering guitar riffs build to a climax, your heart beats faster as the music bathes everything in a golden, romantic glow. Put it on, wander the city, and everything will feel fucking magical. MEGAN SELING

The Pharmacy, Pony Time, Stickers (Chop Suey) What a delightful local triple-scoop super sundae! Stickers is a band you should definitely know about by now, because they are positively heroes of jagged, art-rocky no wave—wild, hoarse vocals and saxophone blare over railroad rhythms. Next up are King County’s finest garage duo, Pony Time, who just released their newest LP, Go Find Your Own—a splendid album that finds our friends growing a little faster and more frenzied, just when you thought a more danceable fuzz wasn’t possible. And then we have the Pharmacy—everyone’s favorite psychedelic-flavored pinwheel-pop spirits, who just want everyone to have the best time on their homemade party raft of tunes. EMILY NOKES

LouNge

2.28 Thursday (Classic Rock Tribute) NaÏVe MeLoDIeS plays Talking Heads VooDoo cHILe a TRibuTe To Jimi HendRix

$5 adv / $8 dos / 8pm / 21+

3.1 Friday (Hip Hop) nectar presents: BLuePrINt The Th3rds, grynch, Jewels Hunter, nathan Wolfe, The sharp 5 (live 5 piece soul/Hip Hop band)

$10 adv / 8pm / 21+

3.2 saturday (R&b/Reggae/World) nectar presents: SaLVaDor SaNtaNa luc and The lovingtons, unite one $7adv / $10dos / 8pm / 21+

3.3 sunday (Reggae) nectar presents: HIgHLIFe BaND Hybrid Vibe $5adv / $7dos / 8pm / 21+

3.5 Tuesday (bluegrass / karaoke) nectar presents: Karaokegrass!!! karaoke Hits performed live in bluegrass style feat. Todd & paisley gray (of pickled okra) and friends... no CoVeR

7pm doors / 7pm - 9pm Happy HouR 8pm - 11pm karaokegrass!! 21+

DAVE SEGAL

CHEEZ-WHIZ THIRD WAVE

TRIPLE DOOR Robben Ford, 9:30 pm, $28/$35; Musicquarium: Nathaniel Talbot Quartet, 8:30 pm, free TULA’S Greta Matassa Jazz Workshop, 7:30 pm, $10

a VERA PROJECT Radical Something, the Good Husbands, 7:30 pm, $10/$11

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The Wally Shoup Quartet

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Reverb: DJ Rome, Rozzville, Zooty B, Antartic

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style: DJ Bookem, Last 10 pm, free

Explorateur

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8

PONY Bloodlust: DJs Gin & Tonic

Q NIGHTCLUB Beautiful Swimmers, Slowpoke, free

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

THURS 2/28

99 Little Ray & the Uppercuts, 8 pm, $5 JAZZ ALLEY Chris Potter Quartet, 7:30 pm, $22.50 H NEPTUNE THEATER Patti Smith, 8 pm, $35.50 NEW ORLEANS Legacy Band, Clarence Acox PINK DOOR Casey MacGill & the Blue 4 Trio, 8 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM Windermere Foundation Fundraiser: Goodybagg, 6 pm, $20

a STUDIO SEVEN 10 Years, Young Guns, Lost Element, Esitu, 6:30 pm, $15/$17

SUNSET TAVERN Eddie Spaghetti, guests, $7

TRACTOR TAVERN The Buffalo Stagecoach, Red Heart Alarm, Palatine Ave, 8:30 pm, $6

CHA CHA LOUNGE DJ Hank Rock, Cutz Like a Knife, free CONTOUR Launch: Guest DJs, free

THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests FOUNDATION Black Sun Empire, Grym, Quadrant, Iris, Hodgi, $10 after 10:30 pm

HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1

LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe

Wednesday: Jame$Ervin, DT, Contagious

LAVA LOUNGE Mod Fuck Explosion: DJ Deutscher

Meister

H LO-FI Distortions: Sean Curley, DJ Veins, DJ

LIVE ARABICA LOUNGE OAG Thang

H BARBOZA Snowden, 8 pm, $10

BARÇA Clark Gibson Trio, free

H BENAROYA HALL Mozart’s Flute Concerto No. 1 BLUE MOON TAVERN Saint Maybe, Gabe Mintz, Jon Pontrello, $7

CAFE RACER Heartland

String Project

H CAN CAN Vince Mira

H CHOP SUEY Midday Veil,

A Story of Rats, Great Falls, Hekate, 8 pm, $8

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Dillon Warnek & the Dismal Tide, the Texas Teardrops, Sam Russell with the Harborrats, 8 pm, $8

WHAT SHALL WE DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR?

Hey, kids! It’s time for an official Drunk of the Week joke: What’s the difference between a gay sailor and a straight one? Oh, c’mon, you know this one… If not, find the punch line at thestranger.com/drunkoftheweek. Yaaaaaar! KELLY O KELLY O

H COMET Witch Mountain, BlackQueen, Golgothan

Sunrise

CONOR BYRNE Intisaar

Jubran, Charley Wheeler, $7

CROCODILE The View, guests, 8 pm

DARRELL’S TAVERN The 350s, guests, free

DISTRICT LOUNGE Cassia

DeMayo Quintet, 8 pm, free

H a EASY STREET

RECORDS (WEST SEATTLE)

Hey Marseilles, 7 pm, free

EGAN’S JAM HOUSE Mike Dumovich, 7 pm

a EL CORAZON Tremonti, guests, 8 pm, $18.50/$20

H a HEARTLAND TacocaT, Pacific Pride, the Matildas, 8 pm

HIGH DIVE Hunter Destroyer, Animals in Cars, Thunders of Wrath, Supply and the Man, $6

HIGHWAY 99 Monster Road, 8 pm, $7

JAZZ ALLEY Mindi Abair, 9:30 pm, $25.50

LITTLE RED HEN Buckaroosters, $3

LUCID The Nefos Jam, 10 pm

NECTAR Naive Melodies, Voodoo Chile, 8 pm, $5

OWL N’ THISTLE Danny Godinez

PINK DOOR Bric-a-Brac, 8 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM Arthur Migliazza, 8 pm, free

SCARLET TREE How Now Brown Cow, 9:30 pm, free

SEAMONSTER The Suffering Fuckheads

SERAFINA Pasquale Santos, 6:30 pm

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Yevtushenko, A Fragile Tomorrow, Service Animal, 8 pm, $5

a SMOKIN’ PETE’S BBQ Thaddeus Spae, 6:30 pm, free

SUNSET TAVERN The Mad Caps, Mothers Anger, Shotty, $10

TRACTOR TAVERN Joshua James, Chris Pureka, $10/$12

TULA’S Kelley Johnson’s “The Offbeats” Vocal Jam, 7:30 pm, $10

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Adriana Giordano Quartet

THE WHITE RABBIT Marmalade, $6

DJ

BALLROOM DJ Rob, free

BALTIC ROOM Hissy Fit: Guests, $2

CAPITOL CLUB DJ Skiddle

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

H HAVANA Sophisticated Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ Nitty Gritty

LAST SUPPER CLUB Open House: Guests

LAVA LOUNGE Rock DJs: Guests

LO-FI Sorted!: Guest DJs, $3

MOE BAR Saucy: DJ Rad’em, DJ 100 Proof, free

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

OHANA Chill: DJ MS

H Q NIGHTCLUB Derrick Carter, Almond Brown, Karl Kamakahi, $15 after 10 pm

H SEE SOUND LOUNGE

✝DAMN $ON✝: Tony Goods, Jameson Just

TRINITY Cobra Crew, DJ Tre, Chinky Eye, Guy, MC McClarron, free

FRI

3/1

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON The Uninvited, guests, $5

H a BLACK LODGE The Exquisites, Neighbors, Koda

WEDNESDAY 2/27

TRACTOR PRESENTS: EDDIE SPAGHETTI OF THE SUPERSUCKERS

9PM • $7

THURSDAY 2/28

A OPERATION LIVER SWAP BENEFIT: THE MAD CAPS

MOTHERS ANGER • SHOTTY 9PM • $10 (SUGGESTED DONATION)

FRIDAY 3/1

MASERATI

JOY WANTS ETERNITY THE FRUITING BODIES 10PM • $10

SATURDAY 3/2

HOTHOUSE PRESENTS: THE CHASERS

BLACK PUSSY (PDX) BIG WHEEL STUNT SHOW 10PM • $8

SUNDAY 3/3

TRACTOR PRESENTS: DEKE DICKERSON TWO MAN GENTLEMAN

8PM • $12

TUESDAY 3/5

HOME ALONE

AMELIA CIRCLE • JOHN WAYNE GUNS

8:30PM • $6

Show at 8:00pm Friday march 1st

(21 & OvER) KGRG’s Zorch Radio & El Corazon Present: El Corazon 8th Anniversary Show #2 with: reverend horTon heaT JELLO BIAFRA (BACkEd

Sequoia, Porcelain God

BLUE MOON TAVERN

Bullets of Balloons, the Co.Incidence, Jose Fang

H CHOP SUEY Micho De Noche, Mos Generator, Ancient Warlocks, Serial Hawk, $8

CROCODILE G-Eazy, Skizzy Mars, Shelton Harris, 7 pm, $14

EGAN’S JAM HOUSE Paul Chasman, 7 pm, $8

EL CORAZON Reverend Horton Heat, Jello Biafra, Guttermouth, the Spittin’ Cobras, $20/$23

a FREMONT ABBEY Bare

4: Daniel Blue, Kendra Cox, the Cellar Door, Goldfinch, Kimo Muraki, Naomi Wachira, Kevin Long, guests, 8 pm

HARD ROCK CAFE Kirby Krackle, Paul & Storm, the Doubleclicks, Nerds With Guitars, $8/$10

H HIGH DIVE Andy Coe, Danny Godinez, Joe Doria, Barrett Martin, $7 HIGHWAY 99 Kalimba Band, $15

H a HOLLOW EARTH RADIO Magma Fest: Gift Uh Gab, Kung Foo Grip Numbs, WD4D, 8 pm

JAZZ ALLEY Mindi Abair, 9:30 pm, $25.50

LITTLE RED HEN Michael Pratt Band, $5

LUCID Fade Jazz Quartet

THE MIX Lost Weekend guests

NECTAR Blueprint, Th3rdz, Fatal Lucciauno, Jewels Hunter, Nathan Wolfe, 8 pm

H a NEUMOS Why?, Dream Tiger, 8 pm, $15

H a PARAMOUNT

THEATER Yo Gabba Gabba!

Live: The Sillies, 5 pm

a PINK DOOR The Lamar Lofton Trio, free

a PONCHO CONCERT

HALL Michael Nicolella, Johnaye Kendrick, guests, 8 pm, $10/$20

Q NIGHTCLUB Recess, Nordic Soul, Kingdom, $10 after 10 pm

RAVIOLI STATION TRAINWRECK Dizzy, guests RENDEZVOUS The Cry, Big Eyes, Sweet Pups, the Piniellas

a THE ROYAL ROOM

80s Prom Night: Mullet, DJ

GriffyB, free, Piano Royale, 5:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free

SERAFINA Djangomatics, 9 pm

H a SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Hey Marseilles, Y La Bamba, Pollens

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

Tigers in the Tank, Andrea Desmond & the White Lights, Haunting Autumn, 8 pm, $5

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Cry Babies, Boxcar Babies

STARBUCKS Adena Atkins, Jessica Lynne, 6 pm, free a STUDIO SEVEN Gravel Hitch, Above Ground, Devils Hunt Me Down, Arisen From Nothing, 25 Cent Ride, 7 pm, $7/$10

H SUNSET TAVERN Maserati, Joy Wants Eternity, the Fruiting Bodies, 10 pm, $10

TRACTOR TAVERN Dave Alvin and the Guilty Ones, Marshall Crenshaw, $22

a TRIPLE DOOR Freddy Pink, 8 pm, $20; Musicquarium: Donny McCaslin, 9 pm, free

H a VERA PROJECT Low Hums, Gabriel Mintz, Avians Alight, Gems, 7:30 pm, $7/$8

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Tim Kennedy Trio THE WHITE RABBIT Otis Heat, Whiskey Syndicate, Eagles & Aliens, $6

DJ

BALLROOM DJ Tamm

BALMAR DJ Ben Meadow

BALTIC ROOM Bump

Fridays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Just Got Paid: 100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm

CAPITOL CLUB Blackout!: DJ Potatoes O’Brien, DJ Homonegro, 10 pm, free

SATURDAY 3/2

FUNERAL FOR A PLAYGROUND

Well, that’s that. As you may have heard, our good friend DJ Nark (Kevin Kauer) is no longer the creative force driving that schmancy new club the kids call Q. There are tons of rumors floating around the strange and sudden departure, but what really happened was this: Nark is 16 months pregnant with Q’s buttbaby, and Q just stopped returning his calls. (The bastard!) It’s probably the last time we’ll ever go, so… let’s send Nark off to greener (and less breeder-infested) pastures at the very last installment of his big Saturday event called The Playground, featuring his glorious self and DJ In Flagrante. We shall dance, drink, love, and kiss it all good-bye, forever. (Although it appears that Nark, the trooper, will still occasionally be DJing at Q.) Q, free before 10 pm/$10 after, 21+.

SUNDAY 3/3

THIRTY-MINUTE HAIRSPRAY

CONTOUR Afterhours, 2 am

CUFF C&W

Dancing: DJ Harmonix, DJ Stacey, 7 pm; TGIF: Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

THE EAGLE Bareback: DJ Kingofpants

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Gooey Duck Thump: Nobel, Jon Lee, Eric Allen, Jason Tokita, Karl Kamakahi

FOUNDATION Bass Kleph, Jame$Ervin, Dot Diggler, JJ Salvador

FUEL DJ Headache, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB

Madness: Guests

LAVA LOUNGE DJ David James

NEIGHBOURS The Ultimate

Dance Party: DJ Richard Dalton, DJ Skiddle

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

OHANA DJ Estylz

PONY Beefcake: DJ Jack, King of Pants

SCARLET TREE Oh So Fresh Fridays: Deejay Tone, DJ Buttnaked, guests

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Guests, free

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, Jerry Wang, Mikey McClarron, Kippy, $10

THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Magnetic Circus, Spaceneedles, Shrouded in Veils, $5

H BARBOZA BOAT, Aqueduct, Quiet Ones, 7 pm, $10

H BENAROYA HALL Mozart’s

Flute Concerto No. 1

H a BLACK LODGE Iron Lung, Column of Heaven, Mutant Video, Nudes H BLUE MOON

TAVERN Umbra Dogs, Corespondents, Jeffrey

Taylor

H a CAIRO Etbonz, Acidfarm, Temples, USF, 8 pm

H CHOP SUEY Pierced Arrows, Birthday Suits, Unnatural Helpers, the Skins, $8

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Blackmoor Travelling Picture Show, Bucharest Drinking Team, Bakelite 78, 8:30 pm, $10/$12

H COMET Blues Control, Dull Knife, Brain Fruit CROCODILE Music Inspired by Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman: Aaron Zig, David Hillman, Tai Shan, We Wrote the Book on Connectors, guests

a EL CORAZON Outasight, the Ready Set, Goldhouse, Master Shortie, 7 pm, $15/$18

HIGH DIVE Chaos Chaos, Thrivealike, Electrosect, Golden Gardens, $8

HIGHLINE Swingin’ Utters, Wild Roses, Dreadful Children, the Loss, 8 pm, $13

HIGHWAY 99 Nathan James & the Rhythm Scratchers, 8 pm, $14

JAZZ ALLEY Mindi Abair, 9:30 pm, $25.50

H a JOSEPHINE Magma Fest: Tiny Knives, Health Problems, Hate Boys, Lunch Lady, Twenty-Three THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE The Last Shakes, Steel Tigers of Death, Sexdrug

LITTLE RED HEN Bullet Creek, $5

H LUCID Black Stax, guests

MOORE THEATER Bill Frisell, 7 pm

NECTAR Salvador Santana, Luc & The Lovingtons Unite One, 8 pm, $7 a NEPTUNE THEATER MarchForth Marching Band, Cascadia ‘10, $16.50/$20 a NEUMOS Pirates of the Puget Sound 7: Electrixx,

Roxy Casbah. Wilma Princecome. Lisa Rental. SORRY! My suffering little brain has been perverted into a random dragname generator—I make up drag names all day long. It’s a fucking compulsion. I do it in my sleep. Watch: zzzzz… Heidi Hobag! Zzzzz… Sandy Clamwhiskers! See? It’s like Giant Faggot Tourette’s Syndrome (or GFTS, ask your doctor). But it’s an inevitable byproduct of living all smushed and twisted in the middle of the Incredible Drag Queen Renaissance we are all up to our disposable titties in, so I bravely endure. (Rita Book! Patty

Cakeman!) Blame it on Jinkx Monsoon, blame it on Ben Delacreme, blame it on the rain—who gives a flaming gay rip? The pump-wearing soldiers in Seattle’s amazing army of queens are serious performers with overwhelmingly positive energy and solid production values. (Rhoda Longho!) And towering above them all (quite literally) is the pageant of moxie and color that is Mama Tits Her every-Sunday drag brunch, Mimosas with Mama, has been getting all kinds of attention lately, and justly so. (Penny Dreadful!) If you’ve been, you understand. (Livinia Vidaloca!) If you haven’t, you don’t. (Ivana Rawk!) But whether you have or haven’t, you will, and this is the Sunday to do it, as she’s adding something very special to the already cabaret-rich lineup: 30 Minute Hairspray! Yes, Hairspray the musical AND the original John Waters film, mashed up and crammed into 30 spastic minutes of draggy brunch freaktasticness. (Annie Portnastorm! Flora Dation!) (Sorry.) The Grill on Broadway, 1 pm, $10, all ages.

BY ADRIAN RYAN Q Nightclub

Greg Wilson is a favorite comedian & TV personality and a popular headliner of comedy clubs, festivals and casinos across the country. He is a current cast member of the hit cable show “World’s Dumbest…” on TruTV. His numerous stand-up television appearances include Showtime’s White Boyz in the Hood, Comedy.TV and Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen. Greg guest starred on Modern Family, Bones, Ugly Betty, Law & Order, and many more.

80s Invasion, 8 pm, $8

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Hard Roller, the Gnash, the Fuzz

a STUDIO SEVEN Blackveil Brides, William Control, To Paint the Sky, guests, 6:30 pm, $20

SUNSET TAVERN Black Pussy, the Chasers, Big Wheel Stunt Show, 10 pm, $8

a THIRD PLACE BOOKS

Kristi Nebel, Steve Nebel, Toby Hanson, Mike Friel, 7:30 pm, free

TIM’S TAVERN The Swamp Dogs, $3

TOWN HALL Puget Sound Symphony, 7:30 pm, $5/$11

TRACTOR TAVERN Ramona Falls, Social Studies, Cathedral Pearls, 9:30 pm, $12/$15

a TRIPLE DOOR Tyrone Wells, Brett Young, Graham Colton, 10 pm, $22-$30; Musicquarium: The Giraffe Dodgers, 9 pm, free

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE The James Band, Ruby Bishop, 6 pm THE WHITE RABBIT Hardcoretet vs. Gravity, $8

a YOUNGSTOWN CULTURAL CENTER

Quetzal, Kali Niño, Gabriel Teodros, Raquel Rivera, LJ Hughes, guests, 6 pm, free

DJ

BALLROOM DJ Warren

BALTIC ROOM Good Saturdays: Guest DJs

H BARBOZA Inferno: The Flavr Blue, DJ Swervewon, DJ WD4D, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after CAPITOL CLUB Get

Physical: DJ Edis, DJ Paycheck, 10 pm, free CONTOUR Europa Night, 9 pm

CUFF Bear Heat: DJ Mattstands

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Proper: Karl Kamakahi, Xan Lucero, DJ Hyasynth, Brian Lyons, Robby Clark, guests

FOUNDATION Ronski

Speed, Darrius, Randall Glenn, FooFou

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB Ajax, Chronus, Eugene, guests

LAVA LOUNGE DJ Matt

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal

Darkness

OHANA Funk House: DJ Bean One

Q NIGHTCLUB In Flagranti, Nark, $10 after 10 pm

H RE-BAR XXYYXX, Teen Daze, Kid Smpl, 10 pm, $13

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Switch: Guest DJs

TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before 10 pm

THE WOODS Hiphop/R&B/ Funk/Soul/Disco: Guest DJs

SUN 3/3

LIVE BARBOZA Minnesota, Dcarls, Protohype, 8 pm, $15

H a BLACK LODGE RVIVR, Snuggle, Agatha

THURSDAY 2/28

GET A MASTER CLASS IN HOUSE MUSIC FROM DERRICK CARTER

Some general rules: Every techno aficionado should witness Derrick May Juan Atkins, or Kevin Saunderson in the flesh at least once in his or her life, if given the chance. Similarly, every house head should catch at least one live appearance by veteran Chicago DJ Derrick Carter If you want to experience a master at work, you owe it to yourself to check out Carter’s uproarious and diverse sets disco, soul, jazz, and synthpop cuts commonly worm their way into his sets, along with all the crucial house jams you’d expect from this sage selector—mixed with acute technical skills and a keen sense for maximizing feel-good vibes. Carter is also possibly the only person ever to remix tracks by both the Human League and Tortoise. Seattle needs to make amends for the poor Valentine’s Day turnout for fellow Chicago house legend DJ Pierre Q, 8 pm, $10 till 11 pm/$15 after, 21+.

SATURDAY 3/2

BLUE MOON TAVERN P.K.

Trio featuring Skerik and Greg Keplinger, free

H CAFE RACER The Racer

Sessions

H CHOP SUEY Nu Sensae, Broken Water, Haunted Horses, $8

COMET OBN Ills, Ubu Roi, Blooper, Acapulco Lips, 7 pm, $8

H a CROCODILE The Slackers, Georgetown Orbits, guests, 8 pm, $15

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Secret Colors, Dr. Troy, Jermaine, Goo Goo, $5

HIGH DIVE Broncho, Blank Tapes, Morning Glory Revival, $10

JAZZ ALLEY Mindi Abair, 7:30 pm, $25.50

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Jukehouse Hounds, $3

H a MOORE THEATER Yes, 7 pm, $32.50/$62.50

NECTAR Highlife Band, RNR, Hybrid Vibe, 8 pm, $5

NEPTUNE THEATER Billy Bragg, Kim Churchill, 8 pm, $36.50

PARAMOUNT THEATER The Alabama Shakes, Michael Kiwanuka, Sam Doores, Riley Downing, 7 pm, $28.75

PIES & PINTS Sunday Night Folk Review: Guests, free a PONCHO CONCERT HALL La Voce Di Gabriele, 7 pm, $10/$20

RENDEZVOUS Andy Glover, Raven Zoe, Caren Taylor, Norm Bowler

THE ROYAL ROOM Total Experience Gospel Choir Brunch: Pat Wright and the Total Experience Gospel Choir, 1 pm, free; The Tallboys Country Band, 7:30 pm, free

SEAMONSTER Pocket Time Slice, 10 pm, free

SERAFINA Pasquale Santos, 11 am, Jerry Frank, 6:30 pm a SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Anberlin, Paper Route, All Get Out, $20/$23 a SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB

The Heyfields, JAR, Oaklawn, 3 pm, $5, Holly Figueroa, 8 pm, free

H SNOQUALMIE CASINO

B.B. King, 7 pm, sold out a STUDIO SEVEN Still the

Sky’s the Limit, Animals in Cars, Saving Sunsets, Sky Pilot, guests, 6:30 pm, $8/$10

SUNSET TAVERN Deke

Dickerson, Two Man Gentleman, 8 pm, $12

TOWN HALL LUCO:

Chamber Music Cabaret, 2 pm, $15/$20

TRACTOR TAVERN Erin McKeown, Holcombe Waller, 8 pm, $10

H a TRIPLE DOOR Carrie

Clark & the Lonesome Lovers, Shenandoah Davis, 7:30 pm, $12/$15; Musicquarium: Ranger and the Re-Arrangers, 6 pm, free

a VERA PROJECT Said the Whale, guests, 7:30 pm, $11/$13

VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm, the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Mass:

Guest DJs

CAPITOL CLUB Island Style:

DJ Bookem, DJ Fentar

CONTOUR Broken Grooves:

DJ Venus, Rob Cravens, guests, free

THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance: Up Above, Fistfight, free a FULL TILT ICE CREAM

Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm

LAVA LOUNGE No Come Down: Jimi Crash

MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free

NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina:

Guest DJs

H PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm H Q NIGHTCLUB Revival: Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free

shoegaze-rock atmospheres, XXYYXX creates music that’s ideally geared for those who like to wind down and nod their heads in style. He also has a spazzy IDMish track titled “Don’t Take This Song Seriously.”Canadian producer Teen Daze had to drop off this bill for bureaucratic reasons (apparently his squeaky-clean electronic music represents a threat to US security), so San Francisco’s Giraffage will replace him. This Giraffage guy (aka Charlie Yin) is yet another accomplished modernizer of R&B, throwing wonky rhythmic changeups into the genre’s usual ultraslick structures. He applies plenty of vocal time-stretching and other normality-warping tricks to his heavy-lidded yet buoyant take on rizzim and blooz and I’m feelin’ it. Check out the new Needs album on the renowned Alpha Pup label for easy mood elevation. Re-bar, 10 pm, $13, 21+.

PDX ACID-HOUSE RENOVATORS

ETBONZ AND ACID FARM

XXYYXX, GIRAFFAGE, KID SMPL

Orlando, Florida, producer XXYYXX (aka Marcel Everett) is already a highly indemand remixer at age 17 (if his Facebook page is to be believed). The kid’s already got the chilled, tinkly, subtly emotional style of electronic-music production down to an artful science; he cheekily dubs it “fro-fi,” which is a brilliant coinage. Combining oddly angled funk and

Etbonz—Portland producer Elliott Thomas—creates soulful, questing, minimal house that’s occasionally powered by Roland 303 acid twangularity. Fellow PDXers Acid Farm, as you may surmise from the handle, purvey a similar throwback sound. The duo—Morgan Hynson and Jesse Mejia—have a track called “Hard Drugs (Acid),” in case there were any doubts about their intentions. If a rave is ever going to happen in the tiny Cairo, these are the folks to instigate it. With Temples and USF Cairo, 8 pm, $5, all ages.

BY DAVE SEGAL

XXYYXX

DRINKING

H RE-BAR Flammable: DJ

Wesley Holmes, 9 pm SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa:

THE STEPPING STONE PUB

Vinyl Night: You bring your records, they play them

MON

3/4

LIVE

H 2 BIT SALOON Master, Sacrificial Slaughter, Fisthammer, Scorched Earth, Thou Shall Kill, 8 pm, $12/$15

a CROCODILE Psychic Ills, Folkazoid, Kingdom of the Holy Sun, 8 pm, $10

H a EASY STREET

RECORDS (WEST SEATTLE) Pickwick, 7 pm, free KELL’S Liam Gallagher

MAC’S TRIANGLE PUB Jazz and Blues Night: Guests, free NEW ORLEANS The New Orleans Quintet, 6:30 pm

THE ROYAL ROOM Collective Music Ensemble

TRIPLE DOOR

Musicquarium: Free Funk Union, free, Boy, 7:30 pm, $12/$15

H THE WHITE RABBIT

Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate Sound, $5

BARBOZA Minted: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free

CAPITOL CLUB The Jet Set:

DJ Swervewon, 100 Proof

H CHOP SUEY Tigerbeat, 10 pm, free

COMPANY BAR Rock and Roll Chess Night: DJ Plantkiller, 8 pm, free

DJs

Q NIGHTCLUB Electric Penetration, Every 6 pm, free, Reflect, 8 pm, free

TUES 3/5

LIVE H BARBOZA Caspian, Native, You May Die in the Desert, 8 pm, $10

H CHOP SUEY SXSW Tour

Kick Off: The Pharmacy, Pony Time Stickers, $7

CONOR BYRNE Ol’ Time Social: The Tallboys, 9 pm

H COPPER GATE The Suffering Fuckheads, free a CROCODILE Jukebox the Ghost, Matt Pond, Lighthouse & the Whaler, 7 pm, $12

a EL CORAZON the Hush Sound, the Last Royals, Sydney Wayser, 6:30 pm, $13/$15

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Monktail Creative Music Concern, DJ Shonuph, free HIGH DIVE Smith’s Cloud, Tall Heights, Pal Philips, 8 pm, $6

JAZZ ALLEY Oz Noy, Anthony Jackson, Dave Weckl, 7:30 pm, $20.50

KELL’S Liam Gallagher

LITTLE RED HEN Saloonatics, $3 THE MIX Jazz Night: Don Mock, Steve Kim, Jacques Willis, 8 pm

H NEUMOS SXSW Send-Off Show: Lemolo, OCNotes, Spac3man, Seacats, 8 pm, $10

NEW ORLEANS Holotradband, 7 pm OUTWEST Wine and Jazz Night: Tutu Jazz Quartet, free OWL N’ THISTLE Jazz Improv Night: Guests

Week of Wonders, 7:30 pm, $10/$11

THE

BY JACKSON HATHORN

FRIDAY 3/1

WHY?, ASTRONAUTALIS, DREAM TIGER

CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free

HAVANA Manic Mondays: DJ Jay Battle, free THE HIDEOUT Introcut, guests, free

LAVA LOUNGE Psych/Blues: Bobby Malvestuto

LO-FI Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate, Sound Selecta, Element, Mista Chatman, $5

THE MIX Bring Your Own

Vinyl Night: Guests, 6 pm

MOE BAR Minted Mondays: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND SIN: DJ Keanu, 18+, free

OHANA DJ Hideki

PONY Dirty Deeds: Guest

H a PARAMOUNT THEATER Passion Pit, Matt & Kim, 6:30 pm, $33.25 SEAMONSTER McTuff Trio, 10 pm, free SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Troubadour Tuesday: Cynthia Alexander

H a SONIC BOOM RECORDS (BALLARD) Pickwick, 6 pm, free SUNSET TAVERN Home Alone, Amelia Circle, John Wayne Guns, 8:30 pm, $6 H a TRIPLE DOOR Rhett Miller, Shelby Earl, 7:30 pm, $20/$25; Musicquarium: Song Sparrow Research the Corespondents, 8 pm, free a VERA PROJECT Darwin Deez, Caged Animals,

Here’s a charming poster with tasteful type and gorgeous colors by Ellis Latham-Brown of the Young Men’s Danger Club (of which Mr. Latham-Brown seems to be the only member). Check out more at theyoungmensdangerclub.com.

AARON HUFFMAN

Passion Pit

w/Matt & Kim

Tues March 5, Paramount

Of the many overused labels employed for describing a given album, the “career at a crossroads” tag may be the most meaningless. You could say that every record finds a band dealing with new challenges, whether it’s a young group developing an identity among a host of influences, or an older outfit battling between exploring new sounds versus falling back on well-trodden sonic territory. But when Yoni Wolf spends almost all of the new Why? record taking stock of himself and his career, it’s a puzzling venture that leaves one unsure of what’s next for the group. Continuing to stray from Why?’s earlier hiphop sound toward straight-up indie rock, Mumps, etc. looks back on a lifetime of squalid glories, a mixture of proud, spiteful, and deflated memories. While the tone is often conflicted, it’s still the same Yoni shining through, expertly fumbling around #firstworldproblems like sex, money, God, and the deep ambivalence that comes from shopping at Whole Foods Neumos, 8 pm, $15

SUNDAY 3/3

THE SLACKERS, THE GEORGETOWN ORBITS

One of my favorite teenage rites of passage, and one that’s lost a lot of cultural capital, is the ska phase. Not every disciple rides it out (or puts on a fedora), but ska has attracted a lot of goofy, wayward kids over the years, with its shuffling rhythms, dressed-up aesthetic, and overall inclusiveness— for socially conscious rockers and silly, upbeat groovers alike. The Cheez-Whiz third wave of late-’90s ska did its best to stamp out new converts, but maybe the ground is merely being kept fallow for another revival. (At least this rude boy can dream.) Tonight is an ideal opportunity for people looking to see their first ska show, and learn that the hallmark skank dance isn’t too far off from a Harlem Shake. The Slackers are best known for penning the “Mrs. Robinson” of ska music, a coy New York City love letter entitled “Married Girl,” and have been active for more than 20 years. Local group the Georgetown Orbits eschew any third-wave or Two Tone reference points, instead paying tribute to traditional Jamaican ska and roots-rock reggae Crocodile, 8 pm, $15

FILM

Film Review Revue

Psychotic Percussion, American Hunger,

Beware of Mr. Baker dir. Jay Bulger Grand Illusion

Legumes as Currency

Drums thunderously cascade as opening credits roll. The film opens on cantankerous septuagenarian Ginger Baker—one of the greatest drummers ever—arguing outside of his South African compound with director Jay Bulger about allowing certain people into “his film.” The squabble escalates until Baker threatens, “I’m gonna fucking put you in hospital!” Then he jabs his metal cane into Bulger’s nose. The incident gets reprised near the film’s end, with Bulger gradually zooming in on his cut as if it were a war injury—which, in a sense, it is.

Beware of Mr. Baker traces the itinerant sticksman’s tumultuous personal and professional life from his violent childhood and loss of his father in World War II to his current status as a financially shaky, bitter Englishman abroad. In between, we get interviews with his mother, four wives, three children,

siblings, bandmates, managers, a roll call of stellar drummers, and, of course, Baker. Now terminally morose but caustically funny, his scowling visage deeply lined after decades of chain-smoking, Baker spends the film in shades, belligerently answering Bulger’s earnest questions. Two memorable lines: “The birth of heavy metal should’ve been aborted” and “I love disasters.”

Baker’s prodigious knack for alienating nearly everyone he encounters and losing money attests to this. His life unspools in a thrilling mix of spectacular highs and lows.

is worth it for these passages alone. No matter if it’s with Graham Bond Organisation, Cream, Blind Faith, Fela Kuti, or his own jazz combo playing at the polo grounds (he was an enthusiast), Baker always looked happiest when beating skins. Never able to stay in one place or in one band for very long, Baker left a trail of emotional devastation among those closest to him—and a legacy of flamboyant musical genius that almost makes up for his malignant behavior. Bulger’s fastpaced, cancerous-warts-and-all documentary is as fascinating as one of his antihero’s mindboggling solos.

DAVE

SEGAL

A Place at the Table

dir. Kristi Jacobson, Lori Silverbush Varsity

P“The birth of heavy metal should’ve been aborted,” says Baker.

Bulger follows Baker’s crazy-quilt musical journey, which began with a love of American jazzers Art Blakey and Max Roach, and intensified after drummer Phil Seamen turned him on to African rhythms—and heroin. Archival footage of Baker in action—all crimson locks, mad eyes, and pistoning skinny limbs— displays his legendary technique. The movie

erhaps the most fascinating and unsettling thing about hunger in America, the subject of this new documentary from the makers of Food, Inc., is how invisible it has made itself. The social stigma around admitting an inability to provide for your family, about accepting government assistance (if it’s even available), creates a certain silence that muffles the issue. And to an ignorant viewer like myself, the hungry children featured in this film certainly don’t look very hungry. They are well-clothed, live in houses with pets, go to school, and seem like they’re getting by just fine. Some of them are even fat little kids, the kind more likely to be pegged as a bit overfed. But it takes only a bit of digging below the surface for the film to completely realign that perspective. What the documentary exposes are the systems that perpetuate malnourishment and food insecurity while maintaining the trappings of abundance. The massive grain subsidies (which make nutrient-poor foods so accessible and affordable), the urban and rural “food deserts” that isolate people from fully stocked grocery stores, the limitations of economic safety nets: These are structural reasons why obesity, hunger, and poverty are so intertwined. A Place at the Table is not an incendiary or angry film; it presents a tangible problem that doesn’t lend itself to procrastination and equivocation the way more abstract issues like climate change seem to. Despite emphasizing the forces

working to maintain the status quo, the film never makes the issue seem unsolvable or inevitable, as many cause documentaries inadvertently do, and that’s why it may well be an effective call to action.

KRISHANU RAY

The problem with the “Jack and the Beanstalk” story, of course, is that the first thing the protagonist does is trade valuable livestock for a handful of beans that a stranger convinces him are magic. Everything Jack does after that has to be framed with a single question: Well, what did you expect? This is the dumb motherfucker who thought legumes were valuable currency. The new Hollywood retelling of “Jack and the Beanstalk,” Jack the Giant Slayer, doesn’t do away with that beans-for-cow trade, although in this version, the animal Jack trades away is his family’s only horse, which arguably makes his decision even more idiotic and irresponsible. Nicholas Hoult, then, plays a fine Jack: He’s dumb as a post but likable enough, not to mention unbelievably pretty.

Pretty, dumb, and likable essentially sets the tone for Jack the Giant Slayer. We get all the standard reinvented-fairy-tale elements, including a brash young princess in search of adventure (Eleanor Tomlinson), an evil sleazebag betrothed to said princess (Stanley Tucci, blandly cartoonish), and an army of evil CGI giants. Ewan McGregor provides a little joyous fizz as an always-prepared, ridiculously valiant knight, and what Ian McShane lacks in presence as the king of the realm, he more than makes up for in a wildly impractical wardrobe including golden armor and immense furry capes.

As far as the recent rash of fairy-tale reimaginings go, Jack the Giant Slayer is much more vibrant than the mirthless Snow White and the Huntsman. There are no surprises, but a few moments—especially the first tense scene that reveals the giant—are notably well-crafted. It’s inoffensive and entirely forgettable, but it crams in enough rock-headed charm and SFX wizardry to pass the time, although the lackluster 3-D is not worth the extra expense.

PAUL CONSTANT

n

Jack the Giant Slayer dir. Bryan Singer Wide release

beware of mr. baker The craziest-assed drummer this side of Animal.

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/film

Limited Run

11 Flowers

An 11-year-old Chinese boy’s quest for a new school uniform lands him in the path of a fleeing murderer in this semiautobiographical drama set during the tail end of Mao’s reign. Writer/director Wang Xiaoshuai creates a winningly loose rapport between the central character and his hell-raising circle of friends, but proves less successful when trying to juice up his film’s creaky ideological message. A strong supporting cast and some clever camerawork make this a pleasant exercise in nostalgia, but the themes, when they come, land with all the grace of anvils. (ANDREW WRIGHT) SIFF Film Center, Fri 7:45 pm, Sat 5:15, 7:45 pm, Sun 2:45, 5:15 pm.

H Beware oF Mr. Baker

See review, page 45. The already notorious documentary about Ginger Baker, former Cream drummer/current expat living in South Africa with a crazy brain and various weapons, who may be the greatest rock drummer who ever lived. Grand Illusion, Fri 7, 9 pm, Sat 5, 7 pm, Sun 5, 7, 9 pm, Mon-Tues 7, 9 pm.

H CaBaret

There’s singing and dancing, scantily clad showgirls, Nazis, and Liza Minnelli—this can only (hopefully) mean one thing: Cabaret! Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 7 pm.

Dial M For MurDer

The classic Hitchcock thriller about a man trying to off his wife. Shown in eye-popping 3-D! SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri 4:30, 7, 9:30 pm, Sat 2, 4:30 pm, Sun 2, 4:30, 7, 9:30 pm.

Heart o’ tHe Hills

Silent Movie Mondays kicks off a series highlighting the women of silent film with this Pickford classic about a Kentucky “mountain girl” (hillbilly?) fending off intruding business interests. Live organ accompaniment with the show, and live banjo music before it! Paramount, Mon March 4 at 7 pm.

JoHn Dies at tHe enD

David, a guy in his 20s, is relating some extraordinary events to a journalist. He’s had experiences with a potent, venomous street drug called “Soy Sauce,” which temporarily gives the user the ability to perceive the unperceivable, but also causes insanity and death. David and his pal John are soon seeing monsters, blowing up cars, and generally starting to unravel. Eventually, a paranoid plot coalesces around the drug being the byproduct of an evil force invading from another dimension, and the film shifts from being tolerably disjointed to just being formulaic and caught up in its own plot. (KRISHANU RAY) Varsity, Fri-Tues. For showtimes, see landmarktheatres.com.

H l.a. reBellion

Each weekend in March, this series showcases films made by the “Los Angeles School of Black Filmmakers,” the critical mass of African American artists who flocked to the UCLA School of Theater, Film and Television in the 1960s and ‘70s. This week’s features include Julie Dash’s Daughters of the Dust and Haile Gerima’s Bush Mama Northwest Film Forum, Fri-Sat. For complete schedule and showtimes, see nwfilmforum.org.

nuClear savage: tHe islanDs oF seCret

ProJeCt 4.1

A documentary exposé of a tragedy in the South Pacific, where the residents of the Marshall Islands have become some of the most irradiated people on the planet, thanks to American nuclear testing. Keystone Church, Fri March 1 at 7 pm.

a PlaCe at tHe taBle

See review, page 45. Varsity, Fri-Sun 1:10, 3:10, 5:10, 7:10, 9:10 pm, Mon-Tues 5:10, 7:10, 9:10.

H raiDers oF tHe lost ark DouBle

Feature

The Indiana Jones classic followed by the elaborate shotby-shot remake made by a couple of kids in their backyard over the course of seven years. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Sat March 2 at 7 pm.

H searCHing For sugar Man

Director Malik Bendjelloul has shaped this concise documentary like a mystery, using Rodriguez’s obscurity, rumored onstage suicide, and popularity in South Africa to forge a compellingly suspenseful narrative. We get a vivid idea of Rodriguez’s enigmatic personality and riveting art, then learn of his bigger-than-Elvis status in South Africa, which allegedly grew from a single passedaround cassette of his classic 1970 LP, Cold Fact. With poignancy, Sugar Man portrays a bafflingly overlooked musician who still lives frugally in his humble Detroit home of 40 years. (DAVE SEGAL) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri 4:45, 7:15, 9:45 pm, Sat-Sun 2:15, 4:45, 7:15, 9:45 pm, Mon-Tues 6, 8 pm.

H seattle JewisH FilM Festival

A nine-day cinematic exploration and celebration of Jewish life around the globe. SIFF Cinema Uptown, AMC Pacific Place. For complete schedule and showtimes, see seattlejewishfilmfestival.org.

seDuCeD anD aBanDoneD

An angry father tries to restore order in his family when his 15-year-old daughter is impregnated in this 1964 Italian film by Pietro Germi (Divorce—Italian Style). Seattle Art Museum, Thurs Feb 28 at 7:30 pm.

H tHe sProCket soCiety’s seCret saturDay Matinee

A family-friendly series featuring classic movie serial episodes plus secret classic feature films, all shown on 16 mm. The serial: 1939’s stunt-packed cliffhanger Zorro’s Fighting Legion. The secret feature film: secret, but this month’s theme is “alien encounters.” Grand Illusion, Sat March 2 at 2 pm.

tHe terMinator

“Listen, and understand. That terminator is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead” (i.e., the one where Schwarzenegger is evil). Egyptian, Fri-Sat midnight.

H tHe toxiC avenger

Troma’s greatest film follows the exploits of the Toxic Avenger as he rids a town of bullies and indifference, after falling in a vat of toxic waste. Legendary director Lloyd Kaufman will be in attendance to introduce Wednesday’s screening! Grand Illusion, Wed 6:30 pm, Sat 11 pm.

H triPle FisHer: tHe letHal lolitas oF long islanD

by charles mudede

The principal reason I did not enjoy this film, which is composed of four erotic shorts, is the very conventional photography. The director, Kyle Henry, and his writers, Carlos Trevino and Jessica Hedrick, took a lot of risks in three stories (only one, Austin, which is about a hetero couple dealing with sexual boredom−they go to a sex store to reignite the fire of their affair−is straightforward and predictable), but the lighting, camerawork, and art direction of the sometimes very crazy sex scenes lacked any innovation or magic.

For example, Tampa, the most shocking short of all (it’s about a man, Louis, who visits a public restroom in a mall and, after real and imagined sexual encounters, gets a blowjob from a famous prophet), has zero visual surprises or enchantments. There is no aura of erotic energies, no clouds of lust, no mists of desire. There are only the bland surfaces of an ugly bathroom and sex scenes that seem as dry and plain as plastic chairs. The last short, San Francisco, which is about a stunning transgender prostitute and a sad dying man, comes close to, but ultimately does not reach, the glowing realm of the gods of eros. What does it say that Michael Stipe is one of the producers of this drab-looking film? Northwest Film Forum, March 4–5 at 7 and 9 pm. n

At long last, someone’s finally mades a supercut of all three television movies—one starring Drew Barrymore, one starring Alyssa Milano, one starring Noelle Parker— devoted to the criminal saga of Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita” who fucked a skeezy married guy then shot his wife in the face. And here it is. Grand Illusion, Sat Feb 2 at 9 pm.

H waxie Moon in Fallen Jewel

Hot off an appearance at the Seattle Lesbian and Gay Film Festival (where it was runner-up for the best feature award), Wes Hurley’s goofy, campy, and local-star-packed comedy Waxie Moon in Fallen Jewel arrives at Central Cinema, where it will screen once a month in a burlesqueand-drag-heavy setting. The host of this month’s screening: Impending superstar Jinkx Monsoon! Central Cinema, Thurs Feb 28 at 8 pm.

H welCoMe to tHe DollHouse Todd Solondz’s career-commencing squirmfest, starring Heather Matarazzo as the mercilessly beleaguered Dawn Wiener. Central Cinema, Fri-Tues 9:30 pm.

now PLaying

H 56 uP

Michael Apted’s series began in 1964 as a portrait of a group of 7-year-olds from all over England, selected to represent the extremes of a classist society, and it returns every seven years. 56 Up is maybe the most satisfying of all the films so far. Its tone is calm. The subjects are comfortable with themselves. “As time has passed, they’ve become much less interested in what I want them to do,” Apted told Radio Times last year. The eloquence of their defiance is finally up to Apted’s challenge: They are his equals now, and the series has become fully a dialogue. (JEN GRAVES)

SAT �/ �: �pm with director in attendance!

WED �/�: �pm without the director!

Amour

Michael Haneke paints the portrait of a well-off, cultured elderly couple in Paris who have to contend with the increasing incapacitation of Anne (Emmanuelle Riva). Haneke unflinchingly portrays the mundane, depressing details of caring for a slowly dying spouse. His devotion to honesty yields a result that is technically impressive, beautifully acted, and deeply boring. (MARJORIE SKINNER)

H Argo

As the Iranian government closes in on six Americans hiding out during the Iranian revolution, a CIA agent (Ben Affleck) hatches a plan: He’ll disguise himself as a filmmaker, provide the Americans with cover identities as a film crew, and smuggle them out of the country. Argo is unquestionably a success—a late-’70s-style thriller with an adult sense of pacing and a sharp, funny script.

(PAUL CONSTANT)

H BeAsts of the southern Wild Beasts of the Southern Wild —an emotionally and visually gorgeous film—is set in the Bathtub, a modern-day Southern swamp community populated with eccentrics who drink together, play music together, paddle boats made from household appliances and spare lumber, and throw boisterous parties, and where 6-year-old Hushpuppy (Quvenzhané Wallis) lives with her father. When the inevitable big storm comes, the residents have to fight nature and forced community-shattering evacuations by the government. The film smartly and delicately blends reality with fantasy, tracking Hushpuppy’s childlike way of seeing and coping with her world as it breaks apart. (BRENDAN KILEY)

Tons more reviews online! thestranger.com/film

BeAutiful CreAtures

Beautiful Creatures is passably entertaining, but like many movies geared toward teen girls, it smacks of sexism and reinforces the troubling myth that true love strikes before the SATs. It tells the story of Lena Duchannes, a beautiful orphan about to turn 16. But unlike most teenagers, she’s a supernatural caster—a witch. This basically means that on her birthday, her “true nature” will decide whether she is good, evil, or worse than evil: a man-eating succubus. The good moments are not enough to save the movie, or even worth stomaching another plot that revolves around teenage codependency and the inherent evilness of women. (CIENNA MADRID)

Bless me, ultimA Ultima is an old curandera in a Chicano farm community in 1940s New Mexico. Most people hold her at a distance

NUDE PEOPLE: AN APPRECIATION

A somewhat recent survey performed by the Parents Television Council claims that, in the 2011–2012 season, “full frontal nudity” on TV jumped 6,300 percent.”

WHAT?

First of all, what television are they watching, because I want to watch that television. Secondly, are they sure they’re watching actual “television” and not “porn on their laptop”? Thirdly, if this is true… and full frontal nudity has actually risen 6,300 percent in a single TV season… then YAAAAAYYY!!

Unfortunately, it probably isn’t true for three reasons: (1) The Parents Television Council is a bunch of Christian buffoons who wouldn’t know science if a dinosaur fell on them, (2) this story came from Fox News (mmmm-hmmmmm), and (3) I watch A LOT of TV… so I’m pretty sure I’d notice a 6,300 percent uptick of vaginas or floppy wieners.

HOWEVER! These PTC people aren’t complete liars; there have been more naked bodies showing up on prime-time network TV… though the genitals—or “juicy bits”—are pixelated out. (Note: This is why I can’t be on TV. Because there aren’t enough pixels in the world to cover up my genitals. Because they are too big. Do you get it? Do you get what I’m trying to say? MY PENIS IS VERY, VERY BIG.)

On the other hand, cable networks such as HBO, Showtime, FX, and AMC are virtual wonderlands of unpixelated floppy wieners and juicy va-jay-jays. In fact, whenever a show like FX’s Justified or The Americans

out of fear and respect, but little Antonio becomes her pupil, ward, and friend. She teaches him how to harvest herbs, “listen to the land,” and other folk-healer stuff. Ultima is packed with stock themes from Latino literature of the 1970s and ‘80s: magic, family blood feuds, coming-ofage paroxysms, characters who are more symbols than personalities, and the three-way moral tension between the Catholic Church, the town sinners, and the folk healing/ witchiness that rotates on its own axis of good and evil.

(BRENDAN KILEY)

identity thief

A schlubby guy named Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) has his identity stolen by a woman named Diana (Melissa McCarthy), and he heads out to bring her to justice. While Identity Thief isn’t a very good movie, it’s got a couple of moments where you’d have to be dead not to burst out with a little surprised laughter, and it has one glorious thing going for it, and that is McCarthy. Her Diana is a manic clown, but McCarthy fills her giant eyes with a desperate neediness that makes all the humor she finds in her character feel a little bit dangerous. (PAUL CONSTANT)

life of Pi Life of Pi opens and closes with some of the most inane chatter about spirituality you’ll ever have the misfortune of hearing. But oh my God is it beautiful. The incredible nature imagery is just about worth all the suffering you have to sit through before and after. (PAUL CONSTANT)

H side effeCts

At first, Side Effects presents itself as a straightforward drama in which a young woman (Rooney Mara) awaits the release of her insider-trading husband (Channing Tatum) from prison. During his time away, she’s attempted to correct her ever-worsening depression with a variety of medications, each carrying its own bundle of side effects, from sexual dysfunction to sleepwalking. A psychiatrist (Jude Law) with deep ties to the pharmaceutical industry becomes involved. It’s impossible to discuss further specifics without spoiling the movie, but it all adds up to a twisty, chilling, sometimes goofy (in a good way) Hollywood thrill ride. (DAVID SCHMADER)

H silver linings PlAyBook

Silver Linings Playbook is a brilliant schmaltzy movie. Bradley Cooper stars as a man with bipolar disorder who moves back in with his parents and tries to woo his exwife with the help of a young widow (Jennifer Lawrence, being incredible and making it look easy). Sure, it’s an emotionally manipulative romantic comedy. But the quality of the performances, the script, and David O. Russell’s direction make it an authentic emotionally manipulative romantic comedy. (PAUL CONSTANT)

feature parental warnings of “sexual situations” and “nudity,” I scream, “HUZZAH!” and whip my clothes off, too! Because I definitely want to be invited to that party, do you know what I’m saying? I think you do!

And while FX is a great showcase for unpixelated trouser junk, HBO—and in particular Lena Dunham’s Girls—wins the “Wow, you’re like super nude” prize. Dunham’s character Hannah has been nearly if not fully nude in almost every episode since its inception—and a couple of weeks ago, when she wasn’t nude? I was like, “Hey Lena! Why not nude?!?”

Dunham does a fantastic job in owning her nude-iness, and the confidence she has in her normal-looking body should be an inspiration to not-nude people everywhere. THAT BEING SAID… her costar, Brian Williams’s daughter—she has her own name, but I refuse to call her anything but Brian Williams’s daughter—is doing a TERRIBLE job at being nude. Apparently, it’s in her contract that she’s a never-nude—but HELLO? This is a nude show, Brian Williams’s daughter! It’s like being a zombie extra on The Walking Dead and saying, “I’m not really comfortable with my jaw dangling from a tendon.”

So listen up, Brian Williams’s daughter! Quit strategically covering your vagina with a sheet and folding your arms over your chest during sex scenes, BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE, AND YOU’RE AN ACTOR, AND ACTORS ARE SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE REAL PEOPLE (HENCE THE NAME “ACTOR”).

So in conclusion, I approve of a 6,300 percent increase in TV characters (and you) being nude. Because, as it just so happens, I’m nude right now! And… OWWW! I just stepped on my penis. Because it is big. Big enough to step on. (Do… you… get… it?) n

With Eric Clapton

Johnny Rotten, Charlie Watts & more!

Development Deal

“Idon’t care what anybody says, you can’t fuck in a hammock. And if you say you know somebody who has successfully fucked in a hammock—and by successful, I mean stayed in the hammock for at least a minute while performing any moderately difficult sexual act—then I say you’re a liar. And if you say you have yourself successfully fucked in a hammock, then I say bring me the evidence. I want photos. I want film. I want a courtroom sketch artist. I want the truth.”

That’s the kind of stuff I say into my iPhone now. I tape myself working on my material, trying to be funny, funnier, because I quit my real job and am trying to make a living as a standup comedian.

“Hell, I bet 90 percent of you can’t perform a moderately difficult sexual act for one minute while lying in your bed.”

Two years ago, I was making $125,000 a year as an attorney for a cell phone company. Incredible money. And I quit to spend six nights a week at open mics in Philadelphia, New York, Boston, and DC. I slept in my car, ate peanut butter sandwiches for every meal, but still ran through my savings.

“And, hey, if you’re a dude, have you ever been fucking a woman—or a man, I want to

Free Will Astrology

by Rob bRezsny

For the Week of Feb 27

ARIES (March 21–April 19): In 1993, Frenchman Emile Leray was on a solo trip through the Sahara Desert. In the middle of nowhere, his car suffered a major breakdown. It was unfixable. But he didn’t panic. Instead, he used a few basic tools he had on hand to dismantle the vehicle and convert its parts into a makeshift motorcycle. He was able to ride it back to civilization. I foresee the possibility of a metaphorically similar development in your future, Aries. You will get the opportunity to be very resourceful as you turn an apparent setback into a successful twist of fate.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): Your power animal is not the soaring eagle or the shrewd wolf or the brave bear. No, Taurus, it’s the rubber chicken. I’m serious. With the rubber chicken as your guardian spirit, you might be inspired to commit random acts of goofiness and surrealism. And that would reduce tension in the people around you. It could motivate you to play jokes and pull harmless pranks that influence everyone to take themselves less seriously. Are you willing to risk losing your dignity if it helps make the general mood looser and more generous? Nothing could be better for group solidarity, which is crucial these days. (Thanks, Gina Williams.)

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): In the language of the Huron Indians, “orenda” is a word that refers to the spiritual power that resides in all creatures and things. If you’ve got enough of it, you may be able to declare at least partial independence from your own past. You can better shape the life you want for yourself rather than being so thoroughly subject to the limitations of your karma and conditioning. I happen to believe that your current supply of orenda is unusually abundant, Gemini. What’s the best use you can make of it?

CANCER (June 21–July 22): When I lived in Santa Cruz years ago, some of my published writings were illustrated by a local cartoonist named Karl Vidstrand. His work was funny, outrageous, and often offensive in the most entertaining ways. Eventually he wandered away from our colorful, creative community and moved to a small town at the edge of California’s Mojave Desert, near where the space shuttles landed. He liked living at the fringes of space, he told journalist R. D. Pickle. It gave him the sense of “being out of bounds at all times.” I suggest you adopt some of the Vidstrand spirit in the next three weeks, Cancerian. Being on

be inclusive here—have you ever been fucking some tall person whose legs were, like, five or six inches longer than yours and realized there are certain sexual positions that are unavailable to you? For example, if your legs are that much shorter than your partner’s, then it’s too damn awkward to do it doggy style. You have to yoga your dick up to them. You feel like a wiener dog trying to fuck a Saint Bernard.”

Okay, let me correct. It was my and my wife’s savings. I bankrupted us. She threatened to leave and then left. Good for her. She got the house and the car. I kept my iPhone.

“And, okay, I recognize that if I were an actual wiener dog and I somehow climbed up an actual Saint Bernard and managed to blow my actual doggy load into her—or him—then I’d be the ultimate wiener-dog pimp. But I am a human man, and I couldn’t fuck my human wife from behind because her human legs were seven inches longer than mine.

The love of my life divorced me because our inseams had irreconcilable differences.”

After most shows, I text my ex-wife: Do you miss me?

She types: Were you funny tonight?

I type: Some people laughed. Some people didn’t. n

the fringes and out of bounds are exactly where you belong.

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): The history of your pain is entering a new phase. Gradually, almost imperceptibly at first, an emotional ache that has been sapping your vitality will begin to diminish. You will free yourself of its power to define you. You will learn to live without its oddly seductive glamour. More and more, as the weeks go by, you will find yourself less interested in it, less attracted to the maddening mystery it has foisted on you. No later than mid-April, I’m guessing that you will be ready to conduct a ritual of completion; you’ll be able to give it a formal send-off as you squeeze one last lesson out of it.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): “When looking for a book, you may discover that you were in fact looking for the book next to it.” Italian writer Roberto Calasso told that to the Paris Review, and now I’m passing it on to you. But I’d like you to expand upon its meaning and regard it as a metaphor that applies to your whole life right now. Every time you go searching for a specific something—a learning experience, an invigorating pleasure, a helpful influence—consider the possibility that what you really want and need is a different one that’s nearby.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): At least once a day, a cell in your body mutates in a way that makes it potentially cancerous. Just as often, your immune system hunts down that dangerous cell and kills it, preserving your health. Do you understand how amazing this is? You have a vigilant protector that’s always on duty, operating below the level of your awareness. What if I told you that this physical aspect of your organism has an equivalent psychic component? What if, in other words, you have within you a higher intelligence whose function it is to steer you away from useless trouble and dumb risks? I say there is such a thing. I say this other protector works best if you maintain a conscious relationship with it, asking it to guide you and instruct you. The coming weeks will be an excellent time to deepen your connection.

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): Some rules in the game of life don’t apply to you and can therefore be safely ignored. Do you know which ones they are? On the other hand, do you understand which of the rules in the game of life are crucial to observe if you want to translate your fondest dreams into real experiences? To recognize the difference is a high art. I’m thinking that now would be an excellent time to solidify your mastery of this distinction. I suggest that you formally renounce your investment in the irrelevant rules and polish your skills at playing by the applicable rules.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): “Don’t think the garden loses its ecstasy in

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

GEEKY, EXCITABLE LAW LADY

I am the following things: Minnesota transplant; Lady gamer; Attorney who was driven to law school because of the feud between Jack Thompson and Penny Arcade; Whiskey consumer, hula hooper (often simultaneously), and; Old school MST3K fan. nekomimi, 32

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE

I want to connect with someone who already loves their life and wants to have fun with me enjoying it! When I’m not working, I love nature and eating out! During the cold months, I prefer to be indoors. scarletflux, 40

CREATIVE SHY GENEROUS LOVEBUCKET

Your stories are interesting yet you’re not an addict? I’m yours. I paint, write, read, perform social-justice improv, study psychodrama, create exceptional rental housing, cook great, exert strength and need quiet. I’m an adored woman without a guy. Unwaste me. Suxian, 69

TOUGH GIRL WANTS BIG LOVE

winter,” wrote the Persian mystic poet Rumi. “It’s quiet, but the roots are down there riotous.” I think you’re like that winter garden right now, Sagittarius. Outwardly, there’s not much heat and flash. Bright ideas and strong opinions are not pouring out of you at their usual rates. You’re not even prone to talking too loud or accidentally knocking things over. This may in fact be as close as you can get to being a wallflower. And yet deep beneath the surface, out of sight from casual observers, you are charging up your psychic battery. The action down there is vibrant and vigorous.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): “When you come right down to it,” says religion writer Rabbi Marc Gellman, “there are only four basic prayers. Gimme! Thanks! Oops! and Wow!” Personally, I would add a fifth type of prayer to Gellman’s list: “Do you need any assistance?” The Creator always needs collaborators to help implement the gritty details of the latest divine schemes. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, you would be an excellent choice to volunteer for that role right now—especially in tasks that involve blending beautiful fragments, healing sad schisms, furthering peace negotiations, and overcoming seemingly irreconcilable differences.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): In the movie Fight Club, there is an animated scene at the very end that required an inordinate amount of time to produce. Each frame in this scene took the editors eight hours to process. Since there are 24 frames in each second, their work went on for three weeks. That’s the kind of attention to detail I recommend you summon as you devote yourself to your labor of love in the coming days, Aquarius. I think you know which specific parts of your creation need such intense focus.

PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): “I have decided to rename the constellations that have domineered our skies too long,” writes an internet denizen named Hasheeshee St. Frank. He gives only one example. The Big Dipper, he says, shall forevermore be known as the Star-Spangled Gas Can. I invite you to come up with additional substitutes, Pisces. It’s an excellent time for you to reshape and redefine the high and mighty things to which you have given away too much of your power. It’s a perfect moment to reconfigure your relationship with impersonal, overarching forces that have wielded a disproportionately large influence over your thoughts and feelings. How about if you call the constellation Orion by the new title of Three-Eyed Orangutan? Or instead of Pegasus, use the name Sexy Dolphin? Other ideas?

Homework: What would the people who love you best say is the most important thing for you to learn? Testify at freewill astrology.com.

A TALL TINA FEY

I like to write and perform sketch comedy. I’m looking for a tallish, light-hearted guy who can hang and be a solid partner in trivial pursuit. Bonus points for being an Aries. I left this ad unfunny on purpose. Kstar, 30

WINNING!!!!

at internet dating... well not really. Trying out lovelab cause I’m really into local organic produce/dates. Let’s play dominoes at a warm location. SenoritaMandita, 30

GOOD OL COUNTRY GIRL

I have incredible friends and life but missing that special guy. I am almost 40 and ready for a new stage of my life. It’s time to see what’s out there. RedTexan, 39

PROFILE OF THE WEEK

Signetkey: Woman Seeking Man I dream of bordeaux happiness.

TALK NERDY TO ME

i’m not sure if i’m in a relationshipy place right now, but hell, who knows what will happen. but i like to hang out and see music and eat tacos so here i am. greencat, 39

OLD COUNTRY BOY clean fit 40’s.single.let me make ya breakfast.employed own my home,couple dogs couple harleys.30 minutes from downtown,lookin for freinds.will you be my freind?all women are beautiful,big small black white.charlie. redeye4u, 49

CLEVER NERDY TALKY SWEET COOK

Discovered ltr not really me. Love companionship, intimacy, passionate debate. Like the turtle slow and steady. Music is more important than most know,so knowing who Matt Pinfield is, bonus points! Also if you know what the Forbidden Zone is. skilletMascot420, 38

SPEAK SPANISH? KNOW ANY SECRETS?

Wants soul-muse to bust around Seattle, discover the best places for the finest food in Seattle, local musicians, vistas, sexiest clubs you have to keep your clothes on for and the other ones too, boating, and trips to the peninsula. thetimidtramp, 42

BATCHY BROAD SEEKS BRILLIANT BOO

laid back lady wants someone to cuddle and listen to records with. I love discussions, coffee, men with big hearts and facial hair who will listen to my crazy stories with some of their own to share. <3s bad puns. Batch_Zilla, 22

LOOKING FOR A FELLOW ADVENTURER

i love pie, kittens & glitternot always in that order. easy to please, i don’t take myself too seriously, laugh too loud, down to earth, self-sufficient & introverted. pants, 43

OLD SOUL IN-A YOUNG BODY

Just recently moved here and am struck by a loneliness that makes breathing difficult.

Likes: Adbusters, a downtuned bass, affection, leather, reading, drinking, ecstatic dancing

Dislikes: the pope, the system, hipsters, contrarian b****es, LOUD coffee houses

Breathe into my lungs.

Let us know if you would like to be featured in the Stranger. If selected, you will receive a 2 week complimentary subscription. Visit: thestranger.selectalternatives.com/gyrobase/ Personals/Contact

MEN SEEKING

WOMEN

RAINDROPS WORDS GIN AND BEER

Lives for the moment, recognizes reality. appreciates little things. lives life to the fullest but sometimes falls short.cooks good food using fresh hergs and spices. enojoys a good hike followed by a good beer. appreciates fine theater and music. Vixen71, 41

IMPERFECT HUMAN LOVING LIFE

I’m 24 quirky and happy about it, I’m getting settled in life and looking forward to finding out what’s next. I’d be quite happy to have a friend (or something a bit more then that) along for the ride.

Antyem, 24

TATTOOED RN MOMMA

I’m a lady who leads a very full life, sometimes limiting opportunities to meet new people. I enjoy a guy who can hold his own in a conversation with a smart woman. sillymilly, 27

LOVE BRINGS PEACE AND HARMONY

I am fun loving lady, young at heart, and up for just about every kind of adventure and experience--- okay,except maybe sky diving. I particularly enjoy movies, dining out, travel, nearly all sports, and reading while lounging at home. hudon1234, 31

Quiet introvert libel to be to hanging out in the dark corner of bar after walking five miles in the rain just to clear my head. Wondering if there is anything left to be said. bartonfink, 39

FUN AND FRIENDLY

Fun open minded and well travelled aspiring chef. I just moved to beautiful Seattle and I am simply loving it. I am looking for someone to have new experiences with. Paulpaulo, 32

PLENTY OF STORIES TO TELL

I’m in the Navy currently stationed in Chicago, hoping to meet someone back home in Seattle where I’ll go back to once my enlistment is done. Introverted but friendly. Wouldn’t mind exchanging stories with you over coffee. Zen_Corpsman, 25

FIVE WORDS ARE NOT ENOUGH

I’m compassionate, thoughtful, attentive and introspective. I love to be surprised by and to learn from others. New ideas and insights thrill me. The more I learn the less I know, as the saying goes, and that has been liberating. Either_Or, 44

Life is Good. I focus on the Mastery of Life. Love. Laughing. Good Times. I will have a 6pak. I have lost 160lbs and now live fit and healthy. I do not watch TV or eat animals. Yoga and Meditation. 7wisdom13love, 32

HOPE YOU HAVE A CAT. I’m a recent transplant to Seattle and so far I really dig it. Hoping to find someone to show me around, watch movies with me, and all other types of cool shit. Bestevan, 25

LOOKING FOR KINDRED SPIRIT

I am a seeker of adventure i love moving my body in space i am a hard worker but i love to play also. I am a lover of the arts, knowledge and wisdom. django, 31

WOMEN SEEKING WOMEN

IMAGINATION HAS NO AGE. I’m 21, born and raised in Seattle. I love anything that brings a good time. I’m highly sarcastic and get a good laugh out of making fun of myself‚Ķprobably you too. Looking for people in Seattle area to connect with. thatprettymothafxcka, 20 LONELY, LOVER, FIGHTER Grew up in the SouthEnd. Community organizer, poet. I like to laugh loudly, and I love someone else who does too. I like every body so big womyn, don’t be afraid to hit me up. Ms_moon, 21

MEN SEEKING MEN

YOU’RE TOO YOUNG FOR ME. I won’t probably date you for a year or more but ultimately I am more interesting, funny, and creative than the guys you are used to. spidersense, 44 FASHIONISTO, ADVENTUROUS, HILARIOUS Fun and friendly person. Can humor people. Something more than sex. Indulges: late-night dining, catching a flick, coffee dates,

Ability to Climb with or w/out Spurs. Ability to Repel out of the tree. NO bucket work here! Experience in Trimming/ Pruning & Removals. $140-$200/ day + OT To Apply: Email Work experience or Resume to jasminer@evergreentlc.com or submit application to www.evergreentlc. com Questions: Call 800-684-8733 ext. 3434

WE WANT YOU to join our Marketing Team! We are the NorthwestÕs Largest Residential Tree Care Company. We have been in business since 1986 and we are A+ rated with the BBB. Work Outdoors in High-End Residential NeighborhoodÕs Offering Free Estimates for Tree & Shrub Trimming, Pruning & Removal Work. Flexible Schedule. Travel, Cell Phone & Medical Allowance Avail. Average Reps earn $575/ week working 25 hours/ week or more. Top Reps earn $1200/ week working 25 hours/ week Apply online today at http://www.evergreentlc.com or send resume to recruiting@evergreentlc.com Call 800-684-8733 Ext. 3434 or 3321

EMPLOYMENT WANTED

WANTED WORK: SEMI-RETIRED carpenter - needs work. Repair or rebuild almost anything. Interior/exterior, painting, plaster, roofing, glass or tile. Have tools. $12/hr. Call Andrews Whales 206-784-7967 N. Seattle preferred.

PAID RESEARCH

ADULT PARTICIPANTS NEEDED for hearing research. Must be 18-30 years old. No history of hearing loss, no musicians, no more than two years of music lessons or experience. $15/ hour. Call Monday-Friday, 9am-4pm: (206)685-1689.

NONPROFIT

RESTAURANT OPEN CALL!

Cinebarre is HIRING all positions, must be 21+ to apply in person. 6009 244th Street Mountlake Terrace, WA 98043

VOLUNTEERS

USE YOU TECHNOLOGY and planning skills to help a nonprofit succeed. Join 501 Commons Deep Dive program. For more information email vista@501commons.org

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES

$$$HELP WANTED$$$ EXTRA Income! Assembling CD cases from Home! No Experience Necessary! Call our Live Operators Now! 1-800-405-7619 EXT 2450 www.easywork-greatpay.com (AAN CAN)

AIRLINE CAREERS Ð Become an Aviation Maintenance Tech. FAA approved training.Financial aid if qualified Ð Housing available.Job placement assistance. CALL Aviation Institute of Maintenance 877-492-3059 (AAN CAN)

ATTEND COLLEGE ONLINE from Home. *Medical, *Business, *Criminal Justice,*Hospitality. Job placement assistance. Computer available. Financial Aid if qualified. SCHEV authorized. Call 800-481-9472 www.CenturaOnline.com (AAN CAN)

THE THINK AND Grow Rich of the 21st Century! Revolutionary breakthrough for success being released! For a FREE CD, please call 1-800-3858470. (AAN CAN)

APARTMENTS

BURIEN $345

Sober living Services has just opened a Coed Home In The Burien area, http:// soberlivingservices.vpweb.com/ Bunk Beds start at $345.00. Twin beds are available

$795

GREENWOOD

$725/Greenwood. Clean but small 1BR. No smokers or pets. We dofull background check. Call only 11am - 7pm. 206-229-8853 harbine@yahoo.com

GREENWOOD $825

Greenlake/Greenwood 1929 English Tudor Whole 2nd fl flat-type apt. 1BR w/LR or use as 2BR w/kit-family rm combo. $825 for 1 person. $95 for all utl incl cable & wifi. NS or NP. No background problems. 206-229-8853 11am-7pm.

QUEEN ANNE $1,000 Large 1 & 2BD’s. 1BD w/balcony, 2BD with views! Great location, DW, w/s/g included. $1000-$1600/mo. 1000 1st Ave. W. Call (206)286-9488 SEA-TAC $899 Newly remodeled 2BR with view. 19th Ave. S, Des Moines. Walk to HCC, easy access to Seattle or eastside. $899/mo. incl.utilities, wifi. Available 3/1. Call/ text 253.237.2330.

FREE

RESTAURANT/HOTELS/CLUBS

MCMENAMINS SIX ARMS, ROY STREET, and MILL CREEK are now hiring LINE COOKS and PUB STAFF! Qualified apps must have an open & flex sched including, days, eves, wknds and holidays. We are looking for applicants who have prev exp and enjoy working in a busy customer serviceoriented enviro. Please apply online 24/7 at www.mcmenamins.com or pick up a paper app at any McMenamins location. Mail to 430 N. Killingsworth, Portland OR, 97217 or fax: 503-2218749. Call 503-952-0598 for info on other ways to apply. Please no phone calls or emails to individ locs! E.O.E.

MARRAKESH MOROCCAN restaurant in Belltown now hiring exp. Servers and kitchen helper. Evening/weekends. For more info call (206)956-0500, or apply at 2334 2nd Ave.

HOUSES

COUNSELING

ANGER MANA GEMENT Is your life out of balance? Perhaps your anger is creating problems. Find Balance Between Body + Soul. Call (206) 427-9796 or Visit www.NutriPsychTherapy.com

MASSAGE

REAL ESTATE FOR SALE

$294,000.00

ROOMMATES

$750

MEDICAL MARIJUANA

$45HR FOR MEN 1.5-$65/2hr-$85. 18yrs masseur. Help to relieve tightness, tension and problem areas or just relax into a more general, unhurried full-body massage. John Runyan (LMP#MA8718) 206.324.0682. 10am9pm. Cash/Incalls Only. Last Minute Encouraged.

DEEP TISSUE AND Relaxation Massage on Capitol Hill. $50.00. Jeff LMP 206-650-0542 swedish, sports, and deep tissue massage. Last minute appointments encouraged. www.broadwaymassage.com 14 years experience. All are welcome. Close to broadway ave. 7 days a week 11:00a.m.-9:00p.m. ENJOY A SOOTHING massage on capitol hill. 7 days a week until 9:00 p.m. Jeff LMP 206-650-0542 $50.00 an hour. All are welcome and last minute appointments encouraged. www. broadwaymassage.com Reduce stress, anxiety, sore muscles, and back pain.

EXCELLENT THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE, since 1994 www.eptribe.com/irene LAURIE’S MASSAGE (206)919-2180

LIKE A JAPANESE Hot Springs - At The Gated Sanctuary you can soak naked outside amoung soaring cedar trees in jetted hot pools, dip in a cold plunge, and relax with therapeutic massage. Unwind in our eucalyptus steamroom. (425)334-6277 www.TheGatedSanctuary.com

AUDIO/VIDEO

MUSIC INSTRUCTION & SERVICES

in a bunch of bands (checkout ReverbNation or Facebook for Castle Blood or Travesty) but can’t find anyone... Interested? Contact me: Charlie = cgriffith1965@gmail.com

PIANIST AVAILABLE

I’m Richard Peterson, 64 year old composer, arranger, and pianist. I’m available to play parties, weddings, clubs, shows, etc. $200/gig. Covers and originals. Please call 206-325-5271, Thank You! CD available.

VOCALIST AVAILABLE, LOOKING for pro rock cover band. I have full PA, lights and rehearsal space. Influences Zeppelin to Alice in Chains. Pros only. 253-845-3954

BANDS WANTED

FREE RECORDING SESSION! ART INSTITUTE STUDENT ENGINEER SEEKS A TIGHT BAND WITH A DRUMMER TO RECORD ON PRO GEAR! SSL 4000G+ & MACKIE 32X8 CONSOLES WITH KICKASS OUTBOARD EFFECTS & PREAMPS! PLEASE CONTACT SEAN AT 863-226-8388 OR EMAIL AT SEANBAKER81@AOL.COM

MUSICIANS WANTED

BASSIST (AND MAYBE 2nd guitarist) wanted for Seattle hard rock band. We would offer candy & beer, but The Stranger said no. We have 10 recorded songs and we’re writing new stuff. See brainandbonemusic.com. Call Aaron at (206)251-1558.

BASSIST TO JOIN of form blues/ soul/R&B project. Old school but contemporary. Bobby Blue Bland, Charles Bradley, Muddy, three Kings, Otis Redding etc. Looking to play out regularly roaddogbass@hotmail.com

BLACK METAL, LIKE Deafheaven, Wolves in the Throne Room, Krallice, Leviathan, w/speed metal and solos thrown in. Glenn, 206.331.6222

ELECTRIC PIANO, ORGAN, sonic keyboard musician wanted for original rock trio, (older), for local shows, and possibly further. Nick Cave, Pavement, Fall, Modern Lovers, early Stones, George Jones and more... amateurs and enthusiasts preferred.

METAL. GLENN. 206.331.6222. mrwholewheat@gmail.com. Seattle. Fuck off and die.

NICE GUY DRIVEN to perform and need seasoned group to play killer stages. originals. I can support the band financially I play killer drums and can sing 206 850 2322 Roger

PIANIST, GUITARS, DRUMMER and voices for “Choir Practice” in Bremerton. Think 7th grade concert choir class singing Prince, New Radicals, Kings of Leon, Dusty Springfield, Ray Stevens or whatever we want. Julie at myersadams@gmail. com with questions

SCRUMPTIOUS AND THE Backbeat, soul rock band from Seattle, now auditioingn brass players (sax, trumpet, trombone, etc). Basic theory and/or songwriting skills a plus. We perform about 1-2 times/month. For band info, music, and contact info check www.andthebackbeat.com

SINGER/SONGWRITER LOOKING FOR guitar player to collaborate with. Have lots of songs and PA. Can’t put a label on it? It’s dark rock. Capitol Hill 206-388-6308

TRASH-POP BAND (CRAZY Eyes) seeks Bass Player. Or guitarist who plays bass. Or whatever, just someone who is cool and decent and bass and wants to travel the country playing music. Email: breaktimerecordings@gmail.com (Kellen)

WANT TO MARCH in a drumline?

Northern Alliance in Portland, OR is seeking members. Spots open in Snare, Bass, and Cymbal sections. All levels of experience welcome. All ages welcome. One weekend a month, rides available. NorthernAll@yahoo.com

RECORDING/REHEARSAL

BAND REHEARSAL SPACE 1 Shared Room @$210/month Incl. 36hrs/month & Private closet and Private Rooms @ $500/mo. Call 425445-9165 or Visit wildersoundstudios. com Located in SODO Seattle

SUPERIOR AUDIO SERVICE-

HOURLY/MONTHLY Rehearsal Rooms in Ballard (24-7, heated, parking). Recording at Birdhouse Studio available with engineer or room only. Dave 206-369-7588 a ttackodave@yahoo.com

TACOMA AREA REHEARSAL

Studio-We rent rooms by the month, 24/7 access, utilities included, climate controlled, private rooms@ $265-$360 month, video surveillance. Call Gary 253-973-2684

1 Shared Room @$220/month Incl. 36hrs/month & Private closet Visit wildersoundstudios.com Located in SODO Seattle. Contact Samantha 425.445.9165 s.wilder@wildersoundstudios.com

COSTCO FLOWER GIRL

I was checking out flowers when you asked if I needed help. I needed help from falling instantly in love with you. Love at first sight may be a myth, but need a second sighting of you. Dinner? Coffee? When: Sunday, February 24, 2013. Where: Seattle Costco Store. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919438

WE DANCED AT CHERRY

you:femmey,brown hair,28yo,school teacher named Christine(?) me:short brown hair,purple tank top,named Dana.We danced for quite a while but you disappeared before I could get your number.Would love to meet up and replace the G&T you spilled ;) When: Saturday, February 23, 2013. Where: Re Bar (Cherry). You: Woman. Me: Woman. #919437

PIKE PLACE FISH FRY

Justin, I’m kicking myself for not giving you my number while giving you your spam sliders. Let’s hang and listen to MSTRKRFT together! When: Thursday, November 1, 2012. Where: marination. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919436

CAMO JACKET WHOLE FOODS WESTLAKE

Sat afternoon at Whole Foods market. I was inside eating with my mom and you sat down across us at one of the outdoor tables. You chatted with a litttle boy and gave him a high five, adorable. Drinks? When: Saturday, February 23, 2013. Where: whole foods market westlake. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919435

DEAD BATTERY AM/PM

I saw you at the AM/PM 105th& Aurora I jumped your truck but you jumped my interest. Who are you? Did you find a new storage? Can help? Stopped by the bank but lost you. Contact me, please ! When: Thursday, February 21, 2013. Where: 105th and Aurora. You: Man. Me: Man. #919434

#44 LOOKING DAZED & CONFUSED

I stepped off at 8th & Market in a puffy red coat. We smiled as walked away. You were leaning against the window like you’d had a hard day. Why so tired, beautiful? When: Thursday, February 21, 2013. Where: #44 bus. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919433

OMELETTE GODDESS

CHLOE AT TOULOUSE PETIT

You

Petit. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919426

GORGEOUS BLONDE @WANDERING GOOSE

You: Customer talking to your cute friend working behind the counter. You were wearing skintight olive leggings. You and exchanged that look. I want you bad, can’t stop thinking about you. I’d love to butter your biscuits babe. When: Saturday, February 16, 2013. Where: Wandering Goose. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919425

I SAW U

Jake! Jean shorts, Bike polo!

Stegosaurus wheeled speedster! I was watching- green hoodie, red hair, a smile. You saw me too, but I was feelin all shy to say “hey, nice thighs!” Let’s go for a

When:

CUTE KNITTER RIDING

BUS #2

A goddess delivered my omelette au choix this morning! ‚ÄúRight choice,‚Äù you said, ‚Äúnixing the ketchup and Tabasco.‚Äù If you’re not a goddess, you’re close enough for me. May I treat you to a night out sometime? Goddesses deserve fun! When: Friday, February 22, 2013. Where: Caf © Presse. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919432

VIVIAN MAIER OPENING ON 12TH

I was leaving and you were coming in . You looked familiar but i couldn’t place you, still can’t place you.We paused and smiled,I was wearing a green coat, you had a beard. How do know you? When: Friday, February 15, 2013. Where: Vivian maier photo exhibit on 12th. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919431

BIG LITTLE BABY

I think you should give me another shot. You, me, a flask of whiskey and the fire at Snoqualmie Pass....what do you say? *wink* When: Friday, February 22, 2013. Where: not the bus. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919429

TRADER JOES IN CAP-HILL

THURSDAY

I liked your grocery picks and told you I would have bought the same thing. have, blue streaks and shaved right side. You had a bald head 5’10ish leather jacket and jeans, you paid with a $100. When: Thursday,

Thought you were very cute. You caught me staring, and your smile/ laugh made my morning. You were on the bus as I stood outside awaiting mine. What were you knitting? Did you ride away similarly intrigued by our chance interaction? When: Wednesday, February 20, 2013. Where:

PIZZA

Heartland Cafe

Comfort food....need we say more? Warm up with delicious dishes made from scratch at Heartland Cafe. Bacon, apple and gruyere stuffed chops, Juicy Lucy burgers and corned beef hash are just a few of the mouth-watering menu items. Stop by Monday- Saturday for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Don’t leave without experiencing the bar in back. The Benbow Room is the best pirate ship themed bar this side of the Cascades.

$20 to spend at Heartland Cafe. Your Price: $10.

Bimbo’s Cantina & the Cha Cha Lounge

At some point in their residency, every Seattle resident will find themselves at Bimbo’s Cantina and at the Cha Cha Lounge. With StrangerPerks, it just got a little easier to get there.

2 $10 Vouchers to Bimbo’s Cantina & the Cha Cha Lounge. Your Price: $10.

Greenlake Bar & Grill

Award-winning Greenlake Bar & Grill is located on Greenlake Drive North in the center of a fun & vibrant lake community. Surrounded by year round activities with great lake access, we’re a favorite of locals and visitors alike. Experience the affordable & diverse food and drink menu while enjoying lake views in a friendly and comfortable atmosphere. If the sun is shining, sidewalk dining at Greenlake Bar & Grill can’t be beat! Open daily for lunch, dinner and happy hour and breakfast on Saturday and Sunday.

$25 to spend at Greenlake Bar & Grill. Your Price: $12.50.

SAVAGE LOVE

Queer Goggles BY

DAN SAVAGE

I am writing about a friend. By all appearances, he is straight. However, on more than one occasion, he has gotten drunk and tried to hook up with a transvestite or a person who could have been one. In one instance, he went to a club and was approached by a really masculine-seeming girl who proceeded to give him head. My friend, in his drunken state, reached into her pants and felt for a pussy only after she started giving him head. On a trip to Las Vegas, he drunkenly picked up someone who I was told looked like “Kevin Garnett in a wig” and was very obviously a man. He tried to take this person back to his hotel, but friends put a stop to it. I just received a message from a friend who is with him on a trip to Europe, who said that he just tried the same thing again with yet another manly looking transvestite type. Again, my friend was stopped before he did anything he might regret. I can understand if these cases happened with transvestites who looked like real women. It’s easy to fool someone when he’s drunk. However, the situations I have seen personally and have heard about all seem to indicate he is seeking out transvestites. Could he be harboring some gay or bisexual tendencies? I’ve never seen him act this way when sober. Or could he just have the world’s thickest pair of beer goggles?

didn’t know at the time that there was an actual $20 term for guys who were into us: gynandromorphophiles, aka “lovers of males in the shape of females.” Some gynandromorphophiles are into crossdressers, some are into drag queens, and some are attracted to trans women. While some want partners who can pass, many gynandromorphophiles do not. They want the mix to be obvious. Give the kind of gynandromorphophile who chased after me and my friends in drag a choice between a “real woman”— cis or trans—and a guy who looks like “Kevin Garnett in a wig,” and he’ll choose Kevin Garnett every time.

So back to your panty-chasing friend, CLOD. I’m pretty sure the reason you’ve never seen him “act this way when sober” is because booze provides him with the courage he needs before he picks up “Kevin Garnett in a wig” and the alibi he needs after. My advice: Stop cock-infrock-blocking your friend and let him know you accept him for who he is, and you may help him find the courage to accept himself before his liver gives out.

Cautious Lad Observing Developments

When we speak of “beer goggles,” CLOD, we refer to someone too drunk to realize that he/she has accidentally picked up—or fucked the shit out of—a type that he/she would not normally/soberly find attractive. But I don’t think your friend is getting drunk again and again and going after this particular type again and again by accident. Once? Yes, that could be an accident. Twice? That could be a coincidence. But three times that you know of ? Sorry, CLOD, your friend isn’t going after these types because he’s drunk. He’s getting drunk so he can go after these types.

Before we go on, CLOD, a word about the particular term you use to describe your friend’s type: transvestite. That word? I don’t think it means what you think it means. A transgender woman is not a transvestite, and a transvestite is not a transgender woman. A trans woman is someone who was “coercively assigned male at birth,” as they say on Tumblr, but who now identifies and lives as female. A transgender woman may or may not have had sex-reassignment surgery—which means, of course, that a transgender woman could have a dick or she could have a pussy. “Transvestite” is an archaic term for “crossdresser” that no one uses anymore.

Now, I don’t know what your friend is looking for in a sex partner, CLOD, but considering his observed pickup history (“a really masculineseeming girl,” “Kevin Garnett in a wig,” “another manly looking transvestite type”), it’s possible that he’s not interested in either trans women or crossdressers.

I did drag for nearly a decade, and there was a certain kind of guy who lurked around drag shows. By all appearances, these guys were straight. But they weren’t interested in women, they weren’t interested in boys who could pass, and they weren’t interested in trans women. They were interested in “girls” who were obviously men in drag. They were interested in guys like me: six foot eight in heels, big tits, 26-inch waist (thank you, waist cincher!), and a latex minidress. I was pretty—I’ll tweet out a few pictures to prove it—but I didn’t look like a woman, cis or trans, I looked like a great big fuckin’ drag queen. (My drag name? Helvetica Bold.)

The queens I ran with called the guys who wanted to fuck us “panty chasers.” It was an odd choice, seeing as none of us actually wore panties. (Trans and cis women wear panties, CLOD; drag queens wear dance belts over tights.) I

I’m a straight 18-year-old female, a senior in high school, and I’m still a virgin. I’m fine with this. I’m going to a university about 3,000 miles away next fall, and I am starting to wonder about going on some method of birth control. My degree is going to take me six years to complete, and I expect that within those six years I might want to have sex with someone. Would going to the doctor and having an implant or IUD inserted be dumb? (I might want a longterm method of birth control.) I trust the doctor I have here at home; the second I turned 14, he gave me tons of info on birth control and how I can get access to it. So I would be more than comfortable getting it through him. Please let me know if I’m overthinking all of this and whether or not I should cross birth control off of my pre-college to-do list.

Thinking I Might Encounter Love Yearnings

“It is in no way ‘dumb’ to consider contraception as a virgin,” says Dr. Unjali Malhotra, medical director for Options for Sexual Health British Columbia, aka the Planned Parenthood of British Columbia. “It is actually best to get on a method prior to ever having sex to ensure she is happy on her chosen option before acutely requiring it for birth control.”

Dr. Malhotra also supports—acutely supports—your preference for a long-term method.

“Although oral contraceptives are popular,” says Dr. Malhotra, “they have up to a 9 percent ‘typical-use’ failure rate.” Pills can fail a woman who forgets to take them—which is all too common—but a woman can’t forget to take her IUD or implant. Which is why progesteronereleasing IUDs have failure rates of 0.2 percent, copper IUDs have failure rates of 0.8 percent, and implants have failure rates of 0.05 percent.

“TIMELY can choose between a nonhormonal copper IUD, a progesterone-releasing IUD, and a progesterone-releasing implant,” says Dr. Malhotra. “Timing-wise, she has options of a three-year implant, five-year IUD, and 10-year IUD. There are advantages to each, which she can discuss with her physician. And, despite myths to the contrary, there are very few risks with an IUD, and she can remove it and get pregnant at any time if she wishes.”

None of these options, however, will protect you from sexually transmitted infections, TIMELY, so use condoms regardless. For more info about birth control, sexual health, and STIs, go to optionsforsexualhealth.org. n

mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

JOE NEWTON

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Please call us at (206) 520‐4340 or visit http://depts.washington.edu/herpes for more information.

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