The Stranger Vol. 22, No. 25

Volume 22, Issue Number 25 February 20–26, 2013

PUBLIC EDITOR

by ARCH b ISHOp J. pETER SARTAIN Metropolitan Archbishop of the Archdiocese

of Seattle

I

realize that The Stranger and I have had our differences in the past, most notably on the topic of gay marriage. Multiple Stranger writers framed my support of traditional marriage as “bigotry.” They called me a “hatemonger.” But what did Jesus Christ do when the sinners complained about that time he cast the homosexuals out of the village for fornicating? He simply turned the other cheek. And so that is what I did when the fornicators of The Stranger referred to me as a bigot: I continued my Jesus-like campaign against the love that exists between two adults, and I ignored their rebukes and barbs.

But Jesus lost the election last November, and The Stranger’s bigamists and beastialitizers won. I don’t have enough space to delineate the various injuries that traditional families have suffered since gay marriage passed. Instead, I am here to represent Jesus again.

Let’s talk about CIENNA MADRID’s little tirade. Or, should I say, let’s talk about Cienna Madrid’s ridiculously long tirade. In it, Miss Madrid claims that Catholic hospitals are buying up secular hospitals. Fair enough, can’t argue with that. Then she insists that our Catholic hospitals are “imposing [our] faith on your health care.” Again, true. So my question is, where is the story here? What is the controversy?

It’s time for me to share a little wisdom with you the way Jesus did in his Sermon upon the Hillock, which is to say, in the form of an allegory. Let’s say your appendix ruptures. Whom do you trust to unrupture it? Some random surgeon, who has had years of training in a “medical school,” or your ol’ pal Archbishop J. Peter Sartain, who has a direct phone line to God in his house? Miss Madrid—who, I might remind you, is a woman—interviews a couple of people who cry because the Catholic Church wants them to keep their babies, but I have an actual bottle of angel tears sitting on my fireplace mantel at home, and those angel tears were shed by angels when some trollop somewhere had an abortion. Besides being a wonderfully invigorating tonic that reduces wrinkles and revives disappearing hairlines, those angel tears remind me of the butchery taking place in secular hospitals, where babies are killed every day, just for fun. We are the Catholic Church. We are here to help.

I suppose the news that our pope is resigning has left The Stranger feeling encouraged about their various attacks on the Catholic Church, so they decided to strike at a moment of perceived weakness. This was a foolish mistake. By this time next month, there will be two living popes, which means there will be TWICE the Voice of God on Earth. When you hear God’s will in stereo, ye heathens and sodomites, you will understand precisely what you have been doing wrong all this time. Prepare for the Catholic Church in hi-fi, secular swine. n

Comment on Public Editor at THESTRANGER .CO m

COVER ART

by C.M. Ruiz (cmrtyz.com)

Mr. Ruiz’s show Fungi Girl opens March 1 at Land Management (facebook.com/landmngmnt).

Find podcasts, videos, blogs, MP3s, free classifieds, personals, contests, sexy ads, and more on The Stranger’s website.

LAST DAYS

The Week in Review BY

DAVID SCHMADER

NEW COLUMN!

Remainder

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11 This week of dry mouth, marauding meteors, and a 1,000ton overflowing toilet on the high seas kicks off at the Vatican, where today Pope Benedict XVI took time out of his busy ignoring-theCatholic-Church’s-epidemic-of-sex-crimesagainst-children-committed-by-priests schedule to announce his forthcoming resignation Citing a “lack of strength of mind and body” as the reason behind the first voluntary papal

DESPERATELY SEEKING SASQUATCH!

I have been a loyal attendee of your music festival since its inception. Loyal, that is, until last year, when some greedy fuckhead decided it would be a great idea to eliminate the single-day passes and sell only four-day passes with camping included, whether you want to camp or not.

First of all, what if I don’t want to camp?! I’ve made treks up to the Gorge to see my favorite bands and driven home that same night just because I couldn’t stand the thought of sleeping outside in the freezing cold. Or maybe I want to stay somewhere in Vantage, or at the Cave B Inn, or anywhere else besides the shitty campgrounds at the Gorge? Did you ever consider that?

Second, I thought true lovers of art and music believed that it should be accessible to everyone? Tell me, what is accessible about a $337 pass, plus whatever “convenience” fees are tacked on? Add to that the cost of gas, food, and booze for four days, and you’ve got close to a $1,000 weekend. I don’t even make that much in a week! And you can’t tell me that everyone stays at the Gorge for four fucking nights. Seriously, after two days of pissing in a portable toilet full of thousands of other people’s piss, shit, and puke, most of us are ready to head home and take a very long hot shower. Whatever the reasoning is behind this change in ticketing options, I call bullshit. Festival planners, you lost a loyal customer and fan. When I look at the lineup and see all of the amazing artists I’m going to miss, my blood starts to boil. I’m upset, confused, and disappointed. If I ever meet the person who made this decision, I swear I’ll bitch-slap you over the head. Thanks for nothing. P.S.: Dropkick Murphys again? You can do better than that.

resignation in almost 700 years, the 85-yearold former Hitler Youth is nevertheless taking pains to live out his post-papal days in the indictment-free style to which he has become accustomed. “Pope Benedict’s decision to live in the Vatican after he resigns will provide him with security and privacy,” reports Reuters. “It will also offer legal protection from any attempt to prosecute him in connection with sexual abuse cases around the world, Church sources and legal experts say.” For the final word, we turn to John Patrick Shanley, who writes in the New York Times: “Pope Benedict XVI quit. Good. He was utterly bereft of charm, tone-deaf, and a protector of priests who abused children.”

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12 The week continues in Washington, DC, where today President Barack Obama delivered the first State of the Union address of his second presidential term, a negligibly historic event that will be remembered for nothing so much as the Republican rebuttal. The rebuttal was delivered by wanna-be GOP presidential hopeful Senator Marco Rubio, who looked a lot like a man who had eaten a very strong, very dry marijuana brownie, the effects of which steadily presented themselves throughout his 18-minute speech. “As the up-and-coming senator attempted to counter the president’s message, he appeared to grow increasingly uncomfortable, wiping his mouth and licking his lips on a number of occasions,” writes the Huffington Post. “Apparently unable to wait until the end of his address to satiate his thirst, Rubio reached for his small bottle of Poland Spring water mid-speech.” Thus came the cottonmouth-quenching water sip heard round the world , a small but unnerving bit of behavior that all but invited speculation on its deeper-level causation. (For example, does attempting to rebut the State of the Union address with failed Romney talking points while keeping a straight face cause one to burn from the inside?) But ultimately, it was simply a matter of too many words and not enough spit, a perfectly human miscalculation that just happens to look super weird if you’re a politician attempting to give a persuasive speech on TV. (Confidential to Marco Rubio: Invest in some beta-blockers, even if your fellow Catholics say they murder baby betas.)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13 Speaking of abruptly ended careers: The week continues with Christopher Dorner, the 33-yearold former Los Angeles police officer/ex–navy reservist who commenced his campaign of deadly mayhem back on February 3, when he fatally shot the daughter and future sonin-law of a former LAPD captain who’d testified about Dorner before a disciplinary board. Then the killer cop became a cop killer, fatally shooting a Riverside police officer (and seriously wounding his partner) before fleeing into the San Bernardino National Forest and instigating a California manhunt that lasted until yesterday, when Dorner was cornered by San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department deputies, one of whom Dorner fatally shot before killing himself. Condolences to the family

Valentines!

Just like the sad discounted candy left on cold drugstore shelves, remainder valentines offer a depressing glimpse into the failures and lost goals of the alleged “holiday of love.” Enjoy!

Roses are red, violets are blue I’m too broke to move, so I’m sticking with you. ♥

Mondays are awful, Lasagna is keen. Like Odie, you disgust me, But your money is green. Happy Valentine’s Day to a dependable “Jon”! ♥

Dear Valentine: There’s no one else I’d rather have sex with while thinking about someone else. Here’s to 50 more years! ♥

Recycling is smart, littering is dumb I’m sorry antidepressants make it so hard to come. ♥

and friends of the victims, and here’s hoping Christopher Dorner spends eternity in hell rimming Joseph Ratzinger.

To err is human; to forgive, divine But I’m only human, and you’re a cheating swine. ♥

Robin, you gave me a BATGASM! ♥

To my favorite Truther, Unlike Building 7, my love for you will never fall! ♥

Roses are red, violets are blue, I broke into your house and swabbed semen on your toilet paper so there’d be a little bit of me inside of you. ♥

Love is a game, love is a sport I’m only just playing, you better abort. ♥

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do. ♥

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14 In sexier news, the week continues with Valentine’s Day, which we’ll celebrate with the creeptastic tale of the parody video produced by the Tea Party–affiliated group FreedomWorks, in which one FreedomWorks staffer wearing a panda suit simulates cunnilingus on another staffer wearing a Hillary Clinton mask. Details come from Mother Jones, which reports that the would-be promotional video was created for the 2012 FreedomWorks conference, FreePAC, under the supervision of Adam Brandon, FreedomWorks’ executive vice president. “In one segment of the film, according to a former official who saw it, Brandon is seen waking from a nap at his desk,” reports Mother Jones. “In what appears to be a dream or a nightmare, he wanders down a hallway and spots a giant panda on its knees with its head in the lap of a seated Hillary Clinton and apparently performing oral sex on the then–secretary of state. Two female interns at FreedomWorks were recruited to play the panda and Clinton.” All was well until the video was screened for the full staff, several members of which had deep problems with a promotional video that required female interns to simulate sex. “How was that not some form of sexual harassment?” said a former FreedomWorks official to Mother Jones. “And there were going to be thousands of Christian conservatives at this [conference]. This was a terrible lack of judgment.” And so the video was pulled, and now FreedomWorks is contending that the whole thing never happened. In an e-mail to the Washington Post, Adam Brandon said he was “not going to dignify” the Mother Jones article with a response, while FreedomWorks spokeswoman Jackie Bodnar

called the allegations “unsourced, baseless, and intentionally harmful accusations made by disgruntled former employees.” Dear disgruntled former employees: It is time to get this nonexistent video on the internet. Do your best.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15 In more terrifying news, the week continues in Russia, where today a meteor exploded over the Ural Mountains, unleashing a sonic boom that shattered thousands of windows and injured more than a thousand people. “Many of the injured were cut by flying glass as they flocked to windows to see what caused the intense flash of light,” reports the Associated Press, which specifies that the exploding meteor shattered over a million square feet of glass but killed no one.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16 In even more terrifying news, the week continues in the waste-drenched hallways of the Carnival Cruise ship Triumph, the disabled cruise ship that spent the majority of the week trying to get itself hauled from the Gulf of Mexico to the Alabama Cruise Terminal while the entire world winced at reports of the electricity-free ship’s overflowing toilets and halls sloshing with urine and feces. “It runs down the walls from one floor to the next,” passenger Larry Poret told CNN. “It’s running out of somebody’s bathroom out into the hallway all the way across.” Late Thursday, the Triumph was finally towed into the Port of Mobile; by early Friday, the 4,200 passengers and crew had finished disembarking. “The cruise line said it would give each passenger $500, a free flight home, a full refund for their trip and for most expenses on board, as well as a credit for another cruise,” reports CNN.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Nothing happened today. ■

Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com and follow me on Twitter @davidschmader.

We’re wearing panda suits at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

THE MOUTH A DESERT

HUNGRY

Are Theo’s “Fair Trade” Chocolates Unfair to Seattle Workers?

A Clash Between Management and Workers Who Want to Unionize

BY GOLDY

Theo makes some damn fine chocolate, but at $4 for a threeounce bar, it’s not an everyday extravagance. Still, the premium price buys more than just a better-tasting chocolate.

Seattle-based Theo Chocolate proudly touts its social conscience, promoting its products as both organic and “fair trade.” That “Fair for Life” logo must account for something, right?

According to a new report alleging union-busting at Theo’s Seattle factory, not all that much.

“Fair trade should mean fair trade for all workers,” says Brenda Wiest, a union organizer for Teamsters Local 117. “If I’m going to pay $4 for a friggin’ chocolate bar,” Wiest admonishes, “then some of my four bucks should go back to the workers here in Seattle.”

The dispute stems from a 2010 attempt by Theo workers to unionize. Labor organizers claim Theo management countered with a campaign of hostility, intimidation, and retaliation. Theo management would not comment for this story, but in a statement CEO Joe Whinney categorically denies these allegations, dismissing much of the report as “sensational” and its methodology as “fundamentally flawed.” It’s a classic “he said, she said.” But what seems clear from the claims and counterclaims is that a union-organizing effort that started with majority support from eligible workers quickly fell apart in the face of opposition from management—opposition that was counter to the spirit of the fair-trade movement.

resulted in several injuries and deteriorating working conditions (in a statement posted to the Theo web-

“This is about Theo claiming to be fair trade,” says Wiest, when they’re really just “selling consumers a bill of goods.”

According to an October 2012 report issued by the International Labor Rights Forum (ILRF), a Washington, DC–based pro-labor advocacy group, the troubles started in 2009 when Theo signed a distribution contract with Whole Foods, a deal that required a substantial increase in production at its Seattle plant. The report alleges that accelerating production

site, Whinney counters that only one injury claim was filed with the state Department of Labor & Industries in all

SOURCES SAY

• Chris McManus, the Tacoma vegan who filed Washington State’s Initiative 522, requiring the labeling of genetically engineered foods, has stepped aside from the campaign to focus on his family and his business, he says. PCC Natural Markets, your source for hummus and quinoa since 1953, has stepped up to spearhead the campaign.

• Alison Holcomb, who wrote the initiative legalizing marijuana in Washington State, became the subject of rumors last weekend that she would run for city council when pollsters began asking voters if they would vote for her. Holcomb says she didn’t pay for the poll, but when asked if she would run, she said, “I would consider it.” If Holcomb does file, hopefully she will challenge one of the two council conservatives on the ballot this year, Richard Dreyfuss and Sally Bagshaw

• Sam Bellomio, a familiar local gadfly, is running against incumbent Mike O’Brien for Seattle City Council, according to paperwork

of 2009). According to the report, 12 workers decided to explore the prospect of forming a union, an action they believed to be consistent with Theo’s avowed commitment to fair-trade principles. The workers approached Teamsters Local 117 for help and advice.

Over several meetings attended by more than half of Theo’s non-management employees in February of 2010, workers reportedly shared their grievances, including safety concerns, onerous workloads, short notice for shift and furlough changes, mandated overtime (Whinney insists overtime was always “optional”), and the suspicion of wage discrimination against non-English-speaking workers.

And “a dental plan,” emphasizes Wiest. The most concrete monetary benefit that Theo workers wanted, says Wiest, was “access to affordable dental insurance.” Not an unreasonable demand for workers at a high-end candy company. By early March of that year, 19 of the 30 Theo workers legally eligible to form a union had signed cards authorizing union representation.

That’s when the chocolate hit the fan.

According to the ILRF report, Theo managers responded with a campaign of “emotional manipulation, guilt, [and] intimidation,” confronting union supporters and disrupting organizing meetings. Then

Theo brought in the big gun, hiring David Acosta from American Consulting Group (ACG), an out-of-state firm specializing in “union avoidance strategies,” whose website boasts of “unparalleled success in designing preventative programs that continues to keep thousands of our clients union-free.”

Whinney says that Acosta was merely hired to answer workers’ questions, and claims to “have no visibility into whether Mr. Acosta has ever been affiliated with ACG.” Wiest says she is well familiar with Acosta, having faced off against him in previous unionizing efforts.

The report claims that over the next few

newly filed with election officials. Bellomio is vice president of StandUP America, a group that routinely seizes time during public testimony at council meetings to make vague, angry charges of government malfeasance that have little or nothing to do with the meeting agenda.

• Bar owners and music lovers who have been protesting a controversial 9.5 percent extra tax on tickets and cover charges at venues with dance floors will finally get their day in Olympia: A senate bill, which would clarify that sales tax should not be applied, has a hearing scheduled for this Thursday, February 21, at 3 p.m.

weeks, managers allegedly engaged in what workers described as “emotional blackmail”—sometimes crying in front of workers, sometimes angrily accusing organizers of selfishly hurting the interests of the poor farmers who supplied Theo with its cocoa. “You can’t imagine how hard life is in Africa— your situation pales in comparison to theirs,” the report quotes one senior manager telling a union supporter.

“There was a lot of crying,” says Wiest. She had warned workers to expect such tactics, but most thought that Theo would welcome the union. By summer, the report alleges, several union supporters had quit.

Whinney strenuously denies any accusations of discrimination or retaliation, and he points to an October 2010 letter signed by Theo employees denying the criticisms later laid out in the ILRF report and stating that “the majority of us were not interested in a Teamsters union.” But that was after eight months of anti-union agitation. “Theo could have voluntarily recognized the union” after a majority of workers signed union cards in March, Teamsters spokesman Paul Zilly explains. “Instead, the company hired a known union-busting law firm and cracked down on union supporters.”

“There’s nothing they can say in response to the fact that they hired an anti-union consultant at $300 an hour,” says Wiest. I e-mailed Theo vice president of sales and marketing Debra Music to “confirm or deny that Theo opposed the unionization effort, and that management hired David Acosta to assist with the company’s union avoidance strategies.” She did not respond.

In 2010, the chocolate hit the fan.

And that gets to the heart of the Teamsters/ILRF complaint: that Theo mounted a union-avoidance campaign in the midst of its “fair trade” certification process. At the time it certified Theo as “Fair for Life,” the Institute for Market Ecology’s own standards explicitly recognized the right of workers to “form a trade union of their own choosing and to bargain collectively.”

“If you won’t even apply the international standard of freedom of association to your own workers in the United States,” asks Wiest, “what does fair trade mean for your company?” Not nearly as much as customers shelling out $4 for those “fair trade” chocolate bars might think. ■

Stranger writers blog dumb shit every day at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG

• Meanwhile, Seattle’s own Century Ballroom is hosting a fundraiser this Saturday, February 23, to help pay the $92,000 the Department of Revenue says they owe in back taxes thanks to the aforementioned obscure tax. If you love Century Ballroom, slap on your dancing shoes, grab $8, and swing, tango, and salsa the night away. The fun starts at 8 p.m.

• The Seattle Weekly has laid off at least four staffers since it was purchased last month by Sound Publishing, creating uncertainty around the newsroom. “I don’t know what is down the line for us editorially,” says the paper’s editorial coordinator, Gwen Elliott. ■

MIKE FORCE

Will Legal Recreational Pot Be Better

or Worse?

The Medical Marijuana Industry Is Making Some Dubious Claims

BY BEN LIVINGSTON

After arguing against the marijuana legalization initiative last fall, unsuccessfully, the medical cannabis industry is trying a new tack to preserve its brand: claiming that recreational pot will be of lower quality than the stuff sold at medical co-ops.

To that end, Tacoma attorney Jay Berneburg, who represents 61 medical cannabis businesses, recently testified before a senate committee in the state legislature: “Medical marijuana is to pot what pharmaceutical grade cocaine is to blow,” he said, explaining that recreational pot can’t “address the needs of medical patients.”

But will recreational pot really be subpar?

Under Initiative 502, the state will prescribe standards for sanitation, quality, and identity of marijuana. Producers must also send cannabis to third-party testing labs, and these labs must meet certain standards to be accredited.

“Requiring testing definitely raises the bar,” says David Lampach from Steep Hill Labs, the country’s first cannabis testing business. Most pot they test is free of pesticides and excessive mold, he notes, but a few samples register

If It Ain’t Broke

Olympia Considers Fixes to Legalization Rules

BY DOMINIC HOLDEN

Overriding an initiative within months of voters passing it may seem drastic, but that’s what state lawmakers are considering right now. Four ranking members of the Washington State Legislature have been scrutinizing Initiative 502, which legalized marijuana last fall. Among their potential revisions, they say the state could raise license fees by thousands of dollars for growers, cities could use more authority to ban pot stores, authorities could postpone the measure to stave off a potential federal intervention, and users could carry a tax stamp to prove their pot was purchased legally.

Olympia has shown little compunction in dismissing the will of voters in the past—in 2009, the legislature swiftly suspended an entire initiative dealing with home health-care workers. But tweaking voter-approved rules within two years of passage does require overcoming an obstacle: reaching a twothirds majority vote of lawmakers.

Representative Christopher Hurst (DEnumclaw), who chairs the state house Government Accountability & Oversight Committee, says amending I-502 would essentially require “unanimous agreement” from the legislature and governor. He was the chief signatory on a letter last month to the liquor control board, which is overseeing I-502’s implementation, raising seven issues and asking questions about what lawmakers might

above the limits suggested by the American Herbal Products Association. If cannabis fails such testing, he says, dispensaries may pull it from their shelves or sell it to the public anyway.

But when legal pot fails such testing, it will be destroyed. Under state law, it can’t be sold or go to hash oil production. So recreational cannabis users will be guaranteed that their pot is clean and safe—in a way that medical pot patients and cooperatives aren’t (because I-502 does not apply to medical marijuana).

Here are some other ways that legal cannabis will differ from medical cannabis:

• No teenage budtenders. The young woman selling you pot is guaranteed to be at least 21 years old.

• No smoking. You can’t smoke weed in a legal pot shop, and you can’t smoke tobacco, either, thank god.

When legal pot fails quality tests, it will be destroyed.

• Proper labeling. Ganja food packaging will look more professional, but more importantly, the dosage data will be standardized and more accurate.

This is to say, for all the hot air about the superior quality of medical marijuana—and fears that legal pot will suck—recreational cannabis will actually be required to meet a much higher standard. n

change before the new pot rules take effect.

“People will say you are trying to slow this down, or stop it, but we are trying to fulfill the wishes of the initiative,” says Hurst, who says he intends to create a well-regulated legal market that undercuts illegal sales and keeps the Feds out of Washington.

Not surprisingly, Alison Holcomb, who wrote the initiative, thinks changing it now is premature. She fired back her own letter to state officials this month, stripping down lawmakers point by point.

Among them: Cities will retain their zoning authority to site businesses, she points out, and the longer we delay the initiative, “the richer criminal enterprises get” without settling questions about federal intervention.

Most pointedly, though, Holcomb criticizes increasing license fees. Higher costs could favor large producers, much like “Big Tobacco,” and drive small pot producers out of the market.

“We do not want to start our experiment with a legal marijuana market by funneling licenses to a new Big Marijuana with big upfront investment requirements,” Holcomb writes.

Amending I-502 would also require backing from Governor Jay Inslee, Hurst says.

“The governor has not ruled out some of these changes if they are deemed necessary,” says Inslee spokeswoman Jaime Smith. “But he is very committed to implementing this as closely to what the voters approved as possible.”

But, as Hurst himself points out, Holcomb “did a really great job” drafting the initiative. And if that’s the case—that she understands the law so well—the legislature and Inslee should trust her call that if I-502 needs adjustments, those tweaks can come after it’s been in effect for a full year. n

Faith healers

Catholics Are Taking Over Local Hospitals, Imposing Their Faith on Your Health Care, and Planning to Deny Certain Treatments for Patients Who Are Pregnant or Dying

By Cienna Madrid

I’m sitting in a crowded coffee shop and I’m making a woman cry. At least, that’s how it looks. Tears are slipping down the laugh lines in her cheeks, and one hand rests on her small belly. People around us are covertly staring.

But we’re not discussing her pregnancy, not yet. We’re talking about Savita Halappanavar, the Ireland resident who died from pregnancy complications four months ago, in a country that doesn’t believe in abortion. “Except, of course, when a woman’s life is in danger—they all add that caveat,” the woman across from me says. “Like your pregnancy is a game of chicken they can play.”

When Halappanavar was told that she was miscarrying, the 31-year-old dentist and her husband mourned the loss of what would have been their firstborn child. According to reports, they were eager to start a family. But, as there was nothing Halappanavar or doctors could do to save her 17-week-old fetus, she asked for an abortion to speed up the heart-wrenching process.

And she was denied.

According to Halappanavar’s husband, they were told, “This is a Catholic country.” Even though abortion wasn’t against the Hindu couple’s religious beliefs, they were told that her fetus still had a heartbeat, and as long as that tiny heart kept beating, doctors would do nothing to speed up her body’s inevitable miscarriage.

Still, she asked, day after day, according to her husband, as her body grew weaker, her blood pressure dropped and her fever spiked, and she became disoriented and afraid. Doctors and nurses monitored her for infections but told her husband there was nothing more they could do, even as she vomited and her breathing became irregular. Finally, on October 24, three days after being admitted to the hospital, the fetal heartbeat stopped. Doctors snapped into action, and within hours, Halappanavar delivered a dead fetus. But it was too late for the aspiring mother: Despite the steady stream of antibiotics being administered to her, infection set in, then septic shock. As Halappanavar lost consciousness, her now-empty womb bloated with infection and her skin turned blue, according to her husband’s reports. Doctors assured him that she was young and she’d bounce back, even as her body shut down, even as she could no longer breathe on her own and her body wouldn’t respond to dialysis. One week after being admitted to the hospital, Halappanavar died. If one good can be taken from Halappanavar’s slow and likely avoidable death, it’s that the world witnessed it and an important dialogue began: Whose ethical or religious conscience reigns supreme in hospitals—the patients whose health is at stake or the institutions caring for them?

The hospital where Halappanavar was a patient has announced that it is investigating the circumstances that led to her death. Meanwhile, officials within the Irish government announced their intentions to draft new regulations clarifying when doctors can perform abortions.

Here in Washington, 4,500 miles from Ireland and a world away from that country’s Catholic-driven politics, it’s easy to clutch your pearls and dismiss Halappanavar’s death as a horror story. After all, Washington residents voted to legalize abortion in 1970, three years before Roe v. Wade, and we’ve consistently upheld a woman’s

choices await.

During Mary’s Swedish visit last year, “They said that they couldn’t save the fetus but it still had a heartbeat, so there was nothing they could do. They had to wait for the heartbeat to stop.”

Mary says she demanded an abortion but was basically told her options were to “wait for nature to take its course” or unhook herself, crawl out of bed, and find another hospital. “It was a nightmare,” she says. “It still is.”

Miscarriages are common, and complications can be deadly. The American Pregnancy Association estimates

hospitals in Alaska, California, Montana, Oregon, and Washington. Per their new relationship, Swedish agreed to stop performing abortions except in emergency situations—you know, like when a woman’s life is at risk. Its website now advertises OB “speed dating” events to new mothers: Choose the OB who will deliver your baby! But for expectant mothers whose pregnancies don’t make it that far, and whose health hasn’t yet deteriorated to “emergency” status, a grim set of entirely different

Providence.) Both hospitals stress that each case is unique but that the health of every mother is their priority.

“Our commitment at Providence is to provide the highest quality, compassionate care to women and babies,” says spokesperson Colleen Wadden. When pressed for details on what turns a prohibited, elective abortion into an allowable, necessary abortion, her answer is vague. “It wouldn’t be appropriate to speculate on a hypothetical patient scenario,” she says. (A spokesperson for Swedish echoed

this position.)

Unofficially, Swedish may have chalked up Mary’s case to a training error.

At least that’s the theory offered by Chris Charbonneau, CEO of Planned Parenthood of the Great Northwest: “We heard of a case like that at Swedish. We heard that it was a training problem.” Charbonneau explains, “In the wake of the hospital alliance, there was a lot of confusion and fear among staff about what was permissible and what wasn’t.”

Charbonneau says she’s confident that this particular “training problem” has been fixed. In fact, she’s staking her reputation on it. When Swedish entered into its new partnership with Providence and agreed to stop providing abortion services except in emergency instances, the administration took a proactive and somewhat admirable step: They pushed Planned Parenthood to open a clinic in an adjoining medical tower. That clinic, which is accessible by a breezeway, functions like any other Planned Parenthood clinic, offering everything from STD testing, abortion services, and sexual education to in-office female sterilization and vasectomies. “It was important to us that women continue to have the same access to services and not feel ostracized,” Charbonneau says. “But we wouldn’t enter into any deal with Swedish that would leave women coming into the ER in any kind of trouble. They have a commitment to me, in writing, that there will be no women getting hurt and no women dying.”

Charbonneau says that Swedish has kept its word and has performed emergency abortions in its hospital.

This partnership with Planned Parenthood makes Swedish one of the most progressive Catholic hospital partnerships in the state. But there are a lot of other partnerships under

What turns a prohibited, elective abortion into an allowable, necessary abortion? Both Providence and Swedish are vague.

way that would be far less progressive—partnerships involving organizations that aren’t urging Planned Parenthood to open offices in the building next door. Catholic hospitals account for more than 12 percent of health-care institutions in the United States, according to the Catholic Health Association of the United States, which means that roughly one in eight Americans seeks treatment at one, whether they realize it or not. Here in the Northwest, our percentage of Catholic hospitals is much higher—44 percent and growing.

Catholic institutions across the nation

ROBERT ULLMAN

are merging with secular hospitals, clinics, and even small private practices at an unprecedented rate. Optimists explain that the consolidation and shared infrastructure help reduce costs. Pessimists point out that the aggressive mergers come at a time when Catholic bishops are exerting and expanding their authority. “I see it as a conscious effort to achieve through the private market what they failed to achieve through the courts or at the ballot box,” says Monica Harrington, a San Juan Island resident who’s spent the last year fighting a Catholic hospital in her town.

Three of the largest health-care systems in the Northwest—PeaceHealth, Providence Health & Services, and Franciscan Health System—are Catholic entities, and they’re busy making new deals in our state. According to MergerWatch, a nonprofit that tracks Catholic hospital mergers across the nation, there was a record-breaking 10 mergers announced in Washington State in 2012.

“In the 15 years we have been tracking religious/secular hospital mergers, we have never seen so many active cases in one state— until now,” says Lois Uttley, the founder and director of MergerWatch. Compounding the problem: All 10 mergers would happen in Western Washington, which means that in the space of a few years, patients with needs that go against Catholic teaching could be forced to drive hundreds of miles to access the health services they need.

The mergers wouldn’t just affect women’s health care, they would affect end-of-life care for everyone and, potentially, compassionate medical care for members of the LGBT community.

“One merger is worrisome enough. There’s no adequate oversight of the impact of all these individual cases,” explains Sheila Reynertson, a six-year advocacy coordinator with MergerWatch. “Look at them all on

a map—if they all come under Catholic rule, it wipes out a huge geographical area for all reproductive health care and the full range of end-of-life choices.” The end result? The Catholic Church effectively controls medical care in Skagit, Whatcom, and San Juan Counties. “People living in Western Washington should be worrying.”

When you enter a hospital seeking care, you carry with you a set of assumptions: You trust your doctors will explain all of your medical options to you after a thorough examination. You trust your doctors will recommend a treatment based on those options. You trust that they will help you make an informed decision about your treatment. You trust that they will treat you.

But what happens when religious restrictions interfere with that trust? To understand Catholic health care, it’s important to know the rules that guide Catholic hospitals, otherwise known as Ethical and Religious Directives (ERDs). These directives are drafted and tweaked by the rotating cast of mostly white, mostly celibate bishops couch-surfing at the Vatican. ERDs operate like a code of conduct that medical staff in Catholic hospitals agree to abide by, regardless of whether or not a particular staffer is Catholic. For the most part, the directives aren’t suggestions— they’re prescriptive.

these directives through hospital ethic committees overseen by regional bishops like our very own Archbishop Peter Sartain.

Sure, in 43 pages of Ethical and Religious Directives, there’s some common-sense guidance to be found. But they’re also flush with horrifying detail. As you’d expect, the directives pertaining to women’s fertility read like

These are the places that have Catholic hospital mergers completed or in the works, which means that residents may soon be receiving health care according to the moral dictates of the Catholic Church—whether they agree with it or not.

“Any partnership… must respect church teaching and discipline,” one directive states. The church monitors the implementation of

a misogynist romance novel or found art from the Middle Ages: “Catholic health institutions may not promote or condone contraceptive practices.” Emergency contraception can only be given to rape victims, and even then only “if, after appropriate testing, there is no evidence that conception has occurred already.”

Vasectomies and tubal ligations are also prohibited. Egg and sperm donors are deemed

“contrary to the covenant of marriage,” surrogate motherhood is prohibited because it denigrates “the dignity of the child and marriage,” and doctors at Catholic hospitals can’t help infertile couples conceive artificially— using their own eggs and sperm—because test-tube babies “separate procreation from the marital act in its unitive significance.”

Then there’s this: “Abortion… is never permitted.”

Not even when the egg attaches outside the uterus and puts a mother’s life in danger: “In case of extrauterine pregnancy, no intervention is morally licit which constitutes a direct abortion.”

Vasectomies, sperm donation, abortions, surrogacy—these are all perfectly legal, mundane procedures that married couples and single people of all faiths utilize (as recent statistics show, even 98 percent of Catholic women admit to using birth control). And yet, according to the Catholic institutions conquering our medical ones, these are options patients should not have.

In 2008, 59 percent of Washington voters approved a statewide “Death with Dignity” initiative, making our state the third in the country to embrace physician-assisted suicide for people with terminal illnesses. In San Juan County, the initiative’s approval rate was much higher—an overwhelming 72 percent.

Acquiring the drugs to end your life is a predictably onerous process. Nonetheless, the law is serving its purpose. According to the most recent status report from the Washington State Department of Health, 103 people received life-ending medication in 2011, 98 of whom lived west of the Cascade Mountains. These terminal patients cited fears of losing their autonomy, their dignity, and their joy

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Joe Janes: Documents That Changed the World (2/27)

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Pirate’s Plunder

in life as their main reasons for wanting to die in peace at their own pace.

But residents of Friday Harbor can’t even acquire the life-ending drugs they voted to legalize four years ago. The island’s only hospital, PeaceHealth’s Peace Island Medical Center, is Catholic affiliated.

PeaceHealth operates nine hospitals and 73 medical centers in the Northwest. Its newest hospital opened last November with all the medical gadgetry a small island population could desire: an expanded primary care and specialty clinic, a shiny new diagnostic services center, a cancer care suite for on-island chemotherapy, a 24-hour emergency room, even 10 hospital beds reserved for short-term care. Even though it is not owned by the church—just affiliated with it—PeaceHealth still chooses to “manifest” the Catholic ERDs in its own ethical policies, CEO Nancy Steiger tells me. They also keep “on-staff ethicists.”

Not being a direct arm of the Catholic Church theoretically gives the hospital more flexibility. “We don’t allow abortion or physician-assisted suicide on our property,” Steiger says, but physicians can prescribe birth control if it’s deemed “a medical necessity.” And physicians can talk about physician-assisted suicide with patients (even if they can’t administer it) because conversations are considered “private and protected.”

But these concessions sound more generous than they are, considering that Peace Island is located on an island. Sure, a physician could theoretically refer a terminal patient to a doctor on the mainland for help acquiring life-ending drugs, but hopping a ferry for a road trip isn’t practical for someone who already feels so awful they want to end their life. On San Juan Island, Death with Dignity is functionally useless.

By default, islanders are instead forced to die the Catholic way. And if living by the church’s ethical directives is hard, dying by them is hell. For example, let’s say that an accident leaves you comatose and braindead in the nearest Catholic hospital. You would be faithfully fed and watered so that you may “reasonably be expected to live indefinitely,” regardless of your last wishes, according to the ERDs. If you’re cognizant and dying, your options aren’t much better: “Patients experiencing suffering that cannot be alleviated should be helped to appreciate the Christian understanding of redemptive suffering.”

“We’re essentially paying a Catholic institution to deny us care,” explains island resident Monica Harrington, a soft-spoken blond with steely eyes. “It isn’t right.”

16-point type on the door. She thinks PeaceHealth should be held accountable for masquerading as a comprehensive healthcare institution, taking taxpayer money, and then refusing care based on religious standards its patients may not agree with. She’s contacted her legislators, the state attorney general’s office, and the ACLU.

And she’s their getting attention.

In February, state senator Kevin Ranker (D-San Juan Islands) introduced a bill that would require new or expanding hospitals in the state to prove that they would provide for, or at the very least refer for, all women’s

If living by the Catholic Church’s ethical directives is hard, dying by them is hell.

health care, family planning, and end-of-life services. “In rural areas, there aren’t many options,” Ranker says. “We shouldn’t allow the sole health-care provider to limit the legal medical choices you have available.”

Especially when these Catholic hospitals are financed by taxpayers, private insurance companies, Medicare, Medicaid, and federal and state tax breaks.

Which might not even be legal. After all, the Washington Constitution forbids any use of public dollars for the establishment of religion.

Kathleen Taylor, executive director of the ACLU of Washington, agrees. “We are deeply concerned that PeaceHealth’s religiously based policy of restricting access to reproductive and end-of-life services violates the Washington Constitution and state law,” Taylor wrote on January 3 in a three-page letter addressed to the San Juan County Public Hospital District #1. “The County must insist that, in order to receive public funds, PeaceHealth or other medical facilities provide access to contraceptive services and abortion and that their policies be based on medical ethics and state law, not religious doctrine.”

A week later, the hospital commission “respectfully disagreed” with the conclusions drawn by Taylor, but from their wording, it seemed like they were sweating it: “However, we are considering what, if any, action is necessary on our part,” their response said.

As the eighth child of devout Catholic parents, Harrington grew up loving the church she now finds herself battling. Despite her parents’ religious beliefs, they were equally devout believers that abortions saved women’s lives. Now, fighting San Juan Island’s Catholic hospital monopoly has become Harrington’s unofficial full-time job. Last year, she spearheaded a 300-person petition to kill the deal before contracts were signed. She helped pack public meetings with skeptical, angry locals. More importantly, when the county’s hospital district commissioners finalized a 50-year lease agreement with PeaceHealth last year, she didn’t stop talking about inequity. Island property owners are now paying $1 million in annual property taxes to support the hospital. Proponents of the agreement argue that there’s no law dictating what entities hospital districts can and can’t contract with. Undeterred, Harrington continues to push for the agreement to be renegotiated: She thinks PeaceHealth should only be contracted and paid for the specific services it offers. She thinks PeaceHealth should have to disclose what services it doesn’t provide, preferably in bold, red,

It is the second Monday in January, and four neat rows of church chairs stand arranged at the United Methodist Church in Sedro-Woolley. A sign on the door advertises adult Sunday school, but that’s not what’s attracted the small crowd of 20 people. This is a Skagit PFLAG meeting. At the front of the room are a gently wafting rainbow flag and other flags that read “peace” in six languages. A man passes me a “Be Yourself!” booklet.

Kathy Reim, proud president of Skagit PFLAG, welcomes everyone and introduces her daughter and daughter-in-law, drawing them each in for a hug. “It’s all about popcorn and hugs here, that’s what we’re about,” she says. Reim and her husband have missed only two monthly meetings in the 12 years she’s been president.

This isn’t a typical PFLAG support group. This is a brainstorming session on how to stop PeaceHealth from leasing and operating the local United General Hospital—yet another pending Western Washington hospital merger.

“I’ll come right out and say it—I worry that gays and lesbians will also be affected,” Reim says. “The church is very clear on their opposition to gays and lesbians, and I don’t

know if we can trust them with our health care.” Heads nod in unison.

For the last year, PeaceHealth has been raising hackles in Western Washington. One reason is that it is considering merging with another Catholic hospital entity called Catholic Health Initiatives, which, unlike PeaceHealth, is infamous for its strict adherence to the ethical directives, and has taken a more hard-line position on reproductive issues in other states. And last March, PeaceHealth cold-called Planned Parenthood’s regional Mt. Baker office and said it wanted to stop processing Planned Parenthood’s blood tests, under advisement from Archbishop Sartain.

“They weren’t controversial tests we’re talking about,” says Linda McCarthy, executive director of Mt. Baker Planned Parenthood. One test ruled out ectopic pregnancy, which can affect 1 in 100 women and can be life-threatening without immediate care. Another was a simple culture test, and the third was a semen analysis for postvasectomies. The semen test is timesensitive. “PeaceHealth is our closest lab, and we only have an hour limit to get the samples in,” says McCarthy.

Mt. Baker Planned Parenthood has filled the gap that every Catholic hospital merger in the northwestern corner of the state has created. It now serves more than 15,000 people in Whatcom, Skagit, and San Juan Counties. One in 17 locals last year used its services. Given Planned Parenthood’s vital role in the community, “We sent a letter back saying we rejected that request to stop doing our labs,” says McCarthy. After three months, PeaceHealth backed down.

Asked about this confrontation, PeaceHealth CEO Nancy Steiger said, defensively, “I’d like you to check the facts—that was never stopped. We were asked by the bishop to stop providing some services to Planned Parenthood, and we met with them. We talked about options. They were not happy with those options. I don’t remember the details. It was only a request… It was never a discontinuation of services. It was just a conversation.”

“We don’t have a written commitment from them to keep processing the labs, but we’re staying vigilant,” McCarthy says. “But we can’t do it alone. It’s time for the general public to wake up and pay attention to what these mergers mean.”

You might be wondering: What do the doctors, nurses, hospice workers, and social workers who are innocently subsumed in these Catholic mergers think?

Broadly speaking, many of them are stressed and afraid. Like patients, doctors come from all religious backgrounds and don’t appreciate having laypeople dictate how to do their jobs. No one I contacted would speak with me on the record about working for a Catholic hospital. A handful agreed to speak anonymously, but then half of them decided that even speaking anonymously was too dangerous. I heard excuses like “retaliation,” “career killer,” “patterns of revenge,” “ostracization,” and “it would ruin me.”

Three physicians working in Whatcom County eventually agreed to speak with me. PeaceHealth bought out the secular hospital in 2008. Since then, PeaceHealth has systematically bought up nearly every specialty clinic in the area, from cardiologists to pediatricians, hospice to oncology. The physicians who agreed to meet me for coffee talked about the mindfuck of being raised Catholic, turning to atheism, and excelling in medicine—only to wake up one day with the church as your boss. The first physician joked grimly about the religious directives being

“medieval torture porn.” He talked about the struggle of trying to balance his duty to patients with the edicts of a Catholic hospital.

“Physicians who sign on [to the hospital] are explicitly enjoined from participating in or referring for physician-assisted suicide. You can’t even talk about it,” the second physician explains to me. “In Whatcom County, the only people who can take advantage of [Death with Dignity] are the people who have a computer, know how to use it, and know how to find Compassion & Choices. It’s utterly preposterous.”

“This is a problem with some Catholic hospitals more than others,” says Robb Miller, Washington executive director of Compassion & Choices, a nonprofit advocating for end-of-life choices. He describes Seattle’s Providence Hospital and Tacoma’s Franciscan Hospital as having a “very poor” record on talking about or referring for physicianassisted suicide. In comparison, PeaceHealth is “not so bad—they’re willing to refer to an intermediary.” He says that despite these barriers, what makes the system sing are the nurses and social workers at these Catholic institutions who break the rules. “They quietly and covertly inform patients about Death with Dignity and Compassion & Choices, but they do so at the risk of losing their job,” Miller explains.

Providence spokeswoman Colleen Wadden says, “We respect the rights of patients and physicians to have confidential conversations, but Providence cannot participate in any way in a patient’s suicide,” in response to Miller’s “very poor” rating. A spokesperson for Franciscan didn’t return calls for comment.

The worry about hospital retribution extends to Whatcom physicians who aren’t even technically employed by PeaceHealth. Doctors who have private practices often have to admit patients to the hospital for advanced blood tests, X-rays, or surgeries. If they do, “they have to have medical staff privileges, and that means they have to agree with the hospital bylaws,” the second Whatcom County physician explains. “You must read them and sign them. Once you’ve done that, you’re bound by whatever they say.”

I ask about the repercussions of not following the edicts. What happens if you’re caught talking to patients about physicianassisted suicide in your private practice, or performing abortions, or, the trifecta of theoretical sins, assisting a fetal suicide on God’s day of rest?

“Well, your staff privileges would certainly be revoked,” the second physician tells me.

“You’d have to move out of the county,” the third physician quietly says. “You couldn’t get work. Every route ends at the church.”

I ask about loopholes—like doctors prescribing birth control for an “acne problem” instead of for contraception.

“You put your license at risk by doing that,” the third physician tells me. “You also put your patient at risk—what if she changes doctors, and they decide her skin is just fine and take her off the medication?”

“It’s incredibly unethical,” the second physician tells me. “You’re falsifying diagnoses.”

The third physician says, “And the point isn’t that patients should be aware that there are loopholes. It’s that patients should trust that physicians, in good conscience and faith, are working for their best interests.”

Should patients trust that physicians, in good conscience and faith, are working for their best interests at Catholic hospitals? Should women? Should the LGBT community? Should terminally ill patients?

“That’s a tough question,” the first physician answers. “I think the answer is yes?” n

theSTRANGER SUGGESTS

‘Tabu’ film

Tabu, the third feature by the talented Portuguese director and critic Miguel Gomes, at first appears to be all about two things: one, Portugal’s colonial past and postcolonial present, and two, the current austerity policies that are choking the country’s poor and working classes. But these politically charged themes turn out to be only a small part of the picture. The film’s main theme is about what human life really comes down to: love and happiness, love and pain, love and loss, and love and regret. If you find Tabu’s story uninteresting, your heart is made of stone. If you find its cinematography unremarkable, your eyes are made of wood. (Northwest Film Forum, 1515 12th Ave, nwfilm forum.org, 7 and 9:15 pm, $10) Ch AR l ES muDEDE

Karen finneyfrock

b OOKS Local poet Karen Finneyfrock’s first novel, The Sweet Revenge of Celia Door, is about a precocious 14-year-old girl with a dark secret who writes startlingly good poetry. This seems like appropriate subject matter for Finneyfrock, who writes startlingly good poetry about very dark things. People who’ve read advance copies of Door—including Stranger Genius Sherman Alexie—can’t stop raving about it, which should be reason enough for you to come to this launch party and hear what Finneyfrock, a brilliant performer of her own work, has to say. (Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, hugohouse.org, 7:30 pm, free) PA ul CO nStA nt

‘Side effects’ film

Double Duchess, Glitterbang, Hoot N Howl

SoMuchMoreat strangersuggests.com

Have you ever made your booty pop? I don’t mean silicone-padded underwear that makes your butt look higher and rounder or some weird brand of microwave popcorn. The BP is a dance move. I recommend practicing to Keaira LaShae’s “How to Booty Pop” video on YouTube, and then going to this show to bust your new moves with Seattle’s number one “lady-wolf gang”—DJ/MC/dance troupe Hoot N Howl. The BP would also work nicely with Glitterbang’s experimental electronica and Double Duchess’s campy, queer, and hilarious electro-hop. Pop-pop and you don’t stop! (Chop Suey, 1325 E Madison St, chopsuey.com, 9 pm, $10, 21+) KEllY O

Camper Van beethoven

Late last fall, driven by some combination of audio nostalgia and God trying to tell me something, I revisited (and in some cases visited for the first time) the entire oeuvre of Camper Van Beethoven. From the gloriously scrappy early records (II & III!) to the high-drama peak of 1989’s Key Lime Pie, it was a total blast—a journey in a unique indierock world seemingly without borders, limited only by these protoslackers’ moods and tastes and skill sets. Tonight, the great CVB take the stage at the Tractor. Until then, I command you to listen to Key Lime Pie’s “June” on repeat. (Tractor Tavern, 5213 Ballard Ave NW, tractortavern.com, 9:30 pm, $15 adv/$18 DOS, 21+) DAV i D SChmADER

For its first half hour, Steven Soderbergh’s latest comes on like some artisanal spin on a Lifetime Movie, in which a young woman (Rooney Mara) awaits the prison release of her insider-trading husband (Channing Tatum) by experimenting with a variety of antidepressants. But as Side Effects continues, another film reveals itself—the real film, the one I encourage you to see, in a big theater crowded with other people. It’s impossible to discuss further specifics without spoiling the movie, so let me just say that it all adds up to a twisty, chilling, sometimes goofy (in a good way) Hollywood thrill ride. Consider it pharmacological noir (See Movie Times: thestranger.com/film) DAV i D SChmADER

Caffe Torino

It’s just barely still cold enough to take advantage of one of winter’s greatest food experiences—a big mug of creamy hot chocolate and a plate of cookies. And for that, you should head straight to Caffe Torino. The cookie selection is a dream. There is a Nutella cookie, a delicate smear of the chocolate hazelnut spread sandwiched between two of the most buttery, flaky cookies you’ve ever had. There’s a polenta cookie, which is golden and crispy and just slightly sweet. Whatever you choose, be sure to pair it with a bicerin, a traditional Italian drink composed of layers of espresso, hot chocolate, and cream. (Caffe Torino, 422 Yale Ave N, caffetorinoseattle.com, 9 am–4 pm) mEgAn SEling

There are really just two types of rappers: those who came before Rakim, and those who came after him. Before Rakim, whose moment was between 1986 and 1990, there was only good wack and bad wack (all rappers were essentially wack). After Rakim, there was wack and not wack. What Rakim did on Eric B.–produced tracks like “Eric B. Is President,” “I Know You Got Soul,” “Move the Crowd,” and, later, “Follow the Leader” was not only explode the traditional nursery rhyme–like confines of rap but also compress, in lines, dizzying amounts of words, images, and information. Rakim is the greatest rapper to ever walk this earth. (Neumos, 925 E Pike St, neumos.com, 8 pm, $20, 21+) Ch AR l ES muDEDE

‘Vivian Maier: Out of the Shadows’ AR t

This bit alone made me want to go: “Starting in the late 1940s, she shot an average of a roll of film a day. She moved to Chicago in the mid-1950s, and spent the next 40 years working as a nanny to support her passion for photography. Maier died at the age of 83 before her work was ever publicly recognized or exhibited.” It was discovered in 2007 It’s a world never to be spoken about by the woman who crafted it, gathering up images on her silent, anonymous glides through the city where she, and hundreds of thousands of regular, fascinating people, lived before they disappeared. (Photographic Center Northwest, 900 12th Ave, pcnw.org, 11 am–10 pm, free) JE n g RAVES

fRi feb 22

Double Duchess

RON CURRIE, JR.

Flimsy Little Plastic Miracles

Viking

“Currie’s narrative is not just about the self-conscious act of writing a novel about Emmait’s also about the death of his father and the possibility of machines themselves becoming conscious beings in an act called a singularity. Free-wheeling … both moving and hilarious.”-Kirkus Reviews.

Ron Currie, Jr. reads Thursday, February 21 at 7 p.m.

GRETEL EHRLICH

Facing the Wave: a Journey in the Wake of the Tsunami Random House

“Ehrlich’s invaluable chronicle subtly raises questions about coast disasters, global warming and nuclear power as the beauty and precision of her prose and her profound and knowledgeable insights into nature’s might and matters spiritual and cultural evoke a deep state of awe and sympathy.”-Booklist.

Gretel Ehrlich reads Monday, February 25 at 7 p.m.

MANIL SURI

The City of Devi

W.W. Norton

“The City of Devi combines, in a magician’s feat, the thrill of Bollywood with the pull of a thriller. Set in a city at the brink of the end, this is a fiercely imagined story of three souls haunted by a love that will change their most elemental ideas of identity. Manil Suri’s bravest and most compassionate book.” – Kiran Desai.

Manil Suri reads Tuesday, February 26 at 7 p.m.

RICHELLE MEAD

The Indigo Spell (Razorbill)

Saturday, March 9 at 6:30pm

Populated with new faces as well as familiar ones, the third book in the Bloodlines series, The Indigo Spell, explores all the friendship, romance, battles and betrayals that mark Richelle Mead as a bestselling fantasy young adult author.

BEN THOMPSON Badass: Ultimate Deathmatch

(William Morrow)

Tuesday, March 19 at 7pm

The latest from the author of Badass and the creator of the website badassoftheweek.com, unstoppable true stories of the most hardcore showdowns, last stands, and military engagements of all time. Witness the exploits of some of history's greatest badasses.

CASSANDRA CLARE

Clockwork Princess

(Simon & Schuster)

Monday, March 25 at 7pm TICKETS REQUIRED

Danger intensifies for the Shadowhunters as the New York Times bestselling Infernal Devices trilogy comes to a close. Receive your ticket with your purchase of Clockwork Princess at Third Place Books. Books & tickets available 3.19.13. More signing details at www.thirdplacebooks.com.

arTs Reviews & Previews

“To be or not to be” meets “we are the robots.”

theater Hamlet Machine

Annie Dorsen’s

Recombinant Shakespeare by

b rendan Kiley

It’s around 10 a.m. in the lobby of On the Boards, and director Annie Dorsen is complaining over a cup of coffee that it’s “too early” to talk about Immanuel Kant, John Cage, algorithms, “dirty” versus “clean” conceptual art, and what all that has to do with her new project to digitally deconstruct Hamlet

But Dorsen, an Obie Award–winning director and cocreator of the musical Passing Strange, has only herself to blame. She brought it up.

Inside the theater, her team of programmers and designers is busy debugging and fine-tuning “the machine,” a complex network of lights, sound, text, and math that will, with the help of actor Scott Shepherd, perform her recombinant Hamlet. Or maybe it isn’t “her” Hamlet—the entire show will be autogenerated every night, and even Shepherd is at the mercy of the machine, which will tell him what to say and when.

“We’ll just push play, sit back, and watch,” Dorsen says. “We’re running the show with no human intervention.” Her expression is a combination of worried, trying-to-not-lookworried, and thrilled.

This world-premiere experiment, formerly known as False Peach but recently retitled A Piece of Work (she’s debugging the title, too), began as a fairly simple game. Dorsen decided to push Hamlet through the grinder of a Markov chain—an algorithmic process that takes a given number of words, then randomly leaps to a logical connecting word, adds the next word, then leaps again. For instance, take the play’s most famous line: “To be or not to be, that is the question.”

The Markov chain can take “to be” and then leap to “or not,” or “that is,” or one of the 32 other instances of “to be” in Hamlet. If it leaps to “that is,” it can then leap to “the question” or one of the other 10 instances of “that is”—“that is the trumpet,” “that is most certain,” and so on. All the voices are computer voices, except when the computer tells the human actor to stand up and act.

It sounds cold in theory, but Dorsen was

surprisingly moved by computer-generated voices speaking the richly human text when she first started her Markov experiments in 2010. “The gap in expressivity was so intense,” she says. “It was kind of heartbreaking—like the computer voices were little half-baked consciousnesses trying to emerge.”

She kept pushing the experiment: trying different lengths of Markov chains, trying other text manipulations, inviting Shepherd to be a human voice among the digital ones, and roping in programmers and designers to build the machine. They tagged every word in the play with an emotion score (zero to five for anger, fear, sadness, and joy) and created a lighting and sound system that designs itself in real time, depending on that emotion-data.

Partway through the process, Dorsen surprised herself again when she realized she wasn’t just complicating the original game, but directing an actual production of Hamlet strenuously working through the original text, picking apart the characters and their relationships.

“What if Ophelia has access to some of Hamlet’s text?” Dorsen asks. “Then she pops out in three dimensions that you don’t even notice in the original, where she basically just suffers.”

Dorsen noticed that no matter how the machine rearranged things, those original characters were still there, only modified.

“I had a similar experience in college when I directed Antony and Cleopatra,” she says. “Like, ‘Oh my god, he got me! This play is bigger than me! I can’t bend it to my will!’”

The durability of the play in the face of deconstruction—our ability to recognize Ophelia even when she gets another character’s lines—is one reason Dorsen chose Hamlet in the first place. It is so familiar and so full of its own wordplay that its language games will (hopefully) land with audiences. “It’s so central to our consciousness, we don’t have to be reverent,” she says. “We can deconstruct it, look at the damage it’s done, and move beyond it.”

What kind of damage?

“Some parts are icky,” she says. “A young man surveying the world—it’s related to Kant, the idea of a man separate from the world whose consciousness gives him a perspective from which to analyze.” She says her larger philosophical goal is to try to help “put the brain back in the body” and “put human beings back into a sane relationship with objects, animate and inanimate… give space, objects, and elements their due. Events are not a product of man’s action, but of the

relationship between all these objects.”

Hence, what Dorsen calls her “semiautonomous networked Hamlet,” in which the text is still in the middle, but all the other theatrical relationships (direction, design, actors) are flattened out. Unlike most Shakespeare productions, this Hamlet isn’t a hierarchy— it’s a process.

But, she hastens to add, it’s not a Cagestyle process. “It has some relationship to chance-based operations,” she says, “but it’s different. For Cage, it was a political and spiritual mission to accept everything with a spirit of open curiosity—which, of course, is beautiful and right. But I find myself in partnership with these tools, approaching algorithms to understand how they work. It’s collaborative, a dirtier conceptual process. Cage is purer, cleaner. You set up the tools, let it go, and then you adjust to it.”

She takes a beat. “On the other hand,” she says, “I could make the opposite argument, that Cage spent his life making algorithms, but mostly by hand. The illusion of a pure conceptual process is that you take your intentionality out of it, but I’m not sure you do. I’m not sure you can.”

That’s when she laughs and says it’s too early for this kind of talk.

Apart from proto-Kantianism, consciousness, and wordplay, Hamlet is also about the death of a parent, and the unmooring that happens after one’s comforting authority and anchor vanishes. Dorsen’s mother had been sick for a while when she began working on the project back in 2010. In 2011, her mother passed away. That, of course, changed her relationship to Hamlet. It started to seem like every little segment in the Markov chain was a distillation of the whole play, dripping with “Hamlet-ness.”

“The characters and ideas emerge differently with different patterns, but they’re still there,” she says. “Sometimes it’s like a cri de coeur, and sometimes not. It’s like the cycles of grief. People told me before I went through it—sometimes it hits you, sometimes it doesn’t.” n

theater

SFX Theater

War Horse Is a Cartoon for the Stage

by b rendan Kiley

Given the hype surrounding War Horse, it’s easy to forget that it is essentially a play for children. Its World War I backdrop, its six Tonys (including best play and best direction, plus fistfuls of other awards), its Oscar-nominated film version—you’d think it was spawned from an adult drama like August: Osage County and not a young-adult novel from 1982.

But its origins come galloping home when you’re sitting in the theater, noting the flatness of the characters, the predictability of the plot, and that the evening’s biggest laughs go to a cheeky goose-puppet that wants to go into a farmhouse but repeatedly has the door slammed in its face. War Horse is no Animal Farm or Charlotte’s Web. It’s driven not by surprises or character but by impressive special

• Anne Von Feldt, the western regional manager of Half Price Books, told us last week that the Capitol Hill Half Price Books on Belmont is closing on June 2. We will miss the unexpected beauty of the store, the excellent fiction and comics sections, and especially the cheerful and knowledgeable staff, who will hopefully all land safely in bookstore jobs elsewhere around town.

• There were four total pieces in the Seattle Symphony’s “Love Stories” program. On Valentine’s Day, the audience gave the symphony three standing ovations, including one before intermission Granted, it was a good show, and visiting pianist Cédric Tiberghien was especially great, with his cartoonish and passionate solos guiding the symphony through lively performances of Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 21 in C major and Szymanowski’s beautifully chaotic Symphony No. 4 for Piano and Orchestra, but come on Seattle audiences are notoriously easy. You should give a standing ovation like you have only three standing ovations to give out in your entire life, people.

• In better Seattle Symphony–related news this week, Friday’s late-night concert in the glassy lobby of Benaroya Hall was grandly freaky and basically sold out (500 people were spread on the floor, on the stairs, on the balconies). The players played a jazz-and-Arabic-music-influenced concerto for the bass trombone; a “hunting” quartet by the young composer Jörg Widmann, in which the players shred on their refined instruments as if they were cheese graters, scream bloodcurdling attack cries, and the cellist issues the distinct scream of the victim at the end; and Schoenberg’s bizarre 1912 melodrama Pierrot Lunaire. In Pierrot, the singing is done in an unearthly, highly trained wail/drone. Kandinsky paintings were projected along with “sung” phrases like “Pierrot faints and imagines the moon slicing his sinful neck.”

• The most recent entry in Hugo House’s literary series Strong Female Leads was almost entirely excellent. Kelly Froh’s cartoons about how she moved to Seattle as a woefully unprepared young person were hilarious, Katie Kate’s new songs had us drooling for her upcoming album, and poet Arlene Kim’s genius mixedmedia PowerPoint erasures absolutely blew our minds. But the big disappointment of the evening was the headliner, Patricia Smith, whose uninspired work failed to examine the theme with any depth. Smith’s tired slam-poet delivery felt telegraphed and painfully obvious, leaving many members of the audience feeling disappointed, like they just watched a bored nostalgia act stumble through its paces.

• Playing catch-up with Oscar bait?

This past week at the new Ark Lodge Cinemas in Columbia City, a Saturday night screening of Silver Linings Playbook was nearly sold out and filled with people who knew each other. (Waves and chatter filled the preshow.) A Wednesday night screening of Argo had less than 10 viewers, in small groups, all bonded together in suspense. Both were exactly the type of experiences one hopes for from a neighborhood cinema. n

false peach/a piece of work

JIM FInDLAY

FaerieCon

Now in its second year, FaerieCon West is an all-family event that celebrates art, music and imagination in the faerie and fantastic realms. Guests include internationally acclaimed authors and artists from the realms of horror, science fiction, pagan, metaphysical and steampunk. Learn craft techniques from the masters in Faerie Academy and see the best in fae finery at the Faerie Fashion Show and Costume Contest. Featuring live performances by German pagan folk band, Faun (Seattle premiere), Delhi 2 Dublin, Treguenda, Tricky Pixie, Mariee Sioux and Adam Hurst.

FaerieCon West Passports

includes admission to all day events, Masquerade Balls on Friday & Saturday and the Sunday Night Concert.

$100 Value. Your Price: $50.

FaerieCon West Weekend Exhibit Passes includes admission to day events on Saturday & Sunday only.

$50 Value. Your Price: $25.

Rickshaw Restaurant

Newly reopened after a nine month hiatus (not even a nasty fire can keep them down!) the Rickshaw Restaurant and Lounge is just as lively as ever, serving up stiff drinks, great eats, and amazing karaoke seven nights a week. Since 1976 this Northpark standby is a neighborhood favorite but also worth the trip for anyone who enjoys friendly service, a fun atmosphere, great deals on booze, and tasty Chinese food that caters to meat eaters and veggie eaters alike. Stop in once and Rickshaw will quickly become your favorite hangout.

$20 to spend at Rickshaw Restaurant. Your Price: $10.

Sprockett’s Recycled Bicycles

Open since September of 2011, Sprocketts Recycled Bicycles specializes in recycled bikes from kids’ to cruisers, and service without a superiority complex.

Owner Mike Benson, an avid rider himself, asks all the right questions to get you on the right bike.

Sprocketts’ bikes are 99% recycled and 1% new (meaning brake cables and inner tubes), and 10% of their profits go to local charities. Conveniently located on Armory way, Sprockett’s offers full service repairs and fittings, for-sale spare parts, and a rotating selection of bikes that are waiting for a new home.

Bicycle Tune-Up. $35 Value. Your Price: $17.50.

effects, including horse-puppets made from leather, steel, and aircraft cable, and a ribbon of screen that provides animated sketches of whatever setting we’re in, from bucolic England to barbed wire and exploding bodies at Verdun. War Horse is a cartoon for the stage.

Still, (some) adults love it, so it’s on a national tour, current stop Seattle, after popular runs in London and New York. Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, sneaked into a public theater, reportedly for the first time in years, to see it on the West End.

The story, in brief: A farmer with a drinking problem buys a horse for too much money at an auction to spite a rival. His young son bonds with the horse and saves it from being sold off by teaching it how to plow to settle a bet. The horse, named Joey, gets conscripted. The boy joins the military to find Joey. The two young creatures search for each other through the chaos of war, meet good Germans and bad Germans, have traumas, and… you can guess what happens.

The design (by Rae Smith and a battalion of associates) and the puppetry (by Handspring Puppet Company of Cape Town) are the stars of War Horse. As every other review will tell you, too, the leading equines, with the help of masterful puppeteers, snort, rear up, and gallop convincingly. Other illusions are more, and charmingly, transparent. For instance, farm boys who’ve signed up for the war triangulate pieces of fence to form the prow of a boat taking them across the channel. They raise and lower their fence/ prow to mimic wave action (and then one of them gets seasick off the side) in a poetic visual allusion to their transition from the English countryside to the turmoil of France.

All this highly polished stagecraft in service of a story that isn’t much more sophisticated than an episode of Flipper has a strangely alienating effect, as if you’re not actually in the room with the performers. The sensation is not unlike watching Cirque du Soleil, where the performers seem remote—more CGI than human, even from the first few rows. But some people, lots of people, demonstrably love Cirque du Soleil, just like they love CGI. War Horse gives those people what they want. ■

BOOKS

Childish Things

Celia Door Needs More Poetry

BY PAUL CONSTANT

When adults write books from the perspective of children, the Problem of Precocity nearly always erupts. “No child would ever say that,” the reader thinks to herself. “That’s obviously written by an adult.” There’s a moment very early on in Karen Finneyfrock’s The Sweet Revenge of Celia Door that ripped me out of the book, when Celia Door, our 14-year-old protagonist, snipes with her archnemesis, Sandy Firestone:

Sandy sighed and said, “Celia, you’re so… negative.”

So I said, “Well, then why don’t you take me into a darkroom and see what develops?” which I thought was a clever retort regarding film cameras and photographic negatives.

But then Sandy said, “Ewww, Celia is a lesbian.”

This is an exchange written without an eye for truth. (What 14-year-old girl in 2013 is going to instantaneously come up with a pun on

the [to her] ancient art of film photography?) It feels like Finneyfrock needed this passage to increase the friction between Door and Firestone, and the darkroom/lesbian interplay felt too perfect to resist.

Of course, the Problem of Precocity is something every reader has to wrestle with in fiction written by adults and narrated by (and with an intended audience of) children and teenagers. The reader must genially agree to suspend disbelief for the narrative to work, and if a book is clever enough, and funny enough, and well-written enough, the author will give the reader a brilliant story in return.

Unfortunately, that’s not the case with Celia Door. Finneyfrock is one of Seattle’s best poets, and her most recent collection, Ceremony for the Choking Ghost, is one of my favorite books of poetry. I wish I could say her first foray into young adult fiction is just as good. But it’s not.

PREVIEW

Karen Finneyfrock Fri Feb 22, Hugo House, 7:30 pm, free

Celia Door feels like a DJ mashup of afterschool specials. The problems are all standard teen-fiction tropes: Door’s parents are separated and probably going to divorce. Firestone humiliated Door publicly in the past, which caused Door to go “Dark,” which means that she wears a lot of black and feels sad all the time. Throughout the novel, Door is bullied by Firestone’s clique, and her plans for revenge get in the way of academics. Door’s only friend is a young gay man who yearns to come out to his family.

Most of the book consists of all the standard angst and heartbreak in a by-the-numbers high-school plot before it all canters to a (realistically) happy ending. The story feels turgid, like it’s barely adapted from an outline, and we’re expected to care for these characters because we always care for these types of characters. Disappointingly, Finneyfrock displays none of her empathy or surprising imagery. She seems to be writing from the head and not the heart, leaving a by-the-numbers Baby-Sitters Club–style product.

Occasionally, there’s life. One of Door’s only confidantes is an older cousin, a college freshman at Berkeley who is going through a phase of her own. Door occasionally gets e-mails from her, and they’re hilariously selfconscious little skits:

what do you think about being a freshman? promise me that you won’t let high school beat the creativity out of you. the american education system is increasingly focused on improving results in biased standardized testing and not on teaching techniques that inspire creative or critical thinking. we learned about it in my social justice in the classroom course. fight standardized testing!

And the best parts of the book are when Door writes her poems. Finneyfrock smartly secreted a beginner’s poetry course into her novel. Door edits her mother’s increasingly terse notes into plaintive haiku, and she demonstrates different styles of poems. Door watches boys play basketball “as the earth/ keeps grabbing the ball back.” These boys are “practicing to be men, looking for/something they can win.” Later, “Autumn stomps around outside the house,” and when Door is tripped in the hallway, she writes about her “books spraying over the floor like vomit.” Some of those lines probably couldn’t have been written by most 14-year-old girls, but we want to believe them, because they feel true. They feel like an author telling us how the world is. We want to hear more from her. ■

julie alexander

sharon arnold

byron au yong

bonnie biggs

d.w. burnam

robert campbell

jaq chartier carl chew

claire cowie anne focke

klara glosova

cable griffith

francisco guerrero

todd jannausch

shaun kardinal carolyn law

margie livingston

greg lundgren

norman lundin

amanda manitach alan maskin ries niemi nko

matthew offenbacher

d.k. pan

mary ann peters

punch gallery

bill ritchie

serrah russell norie sato rafael soldi

sierra stinson michael van horn

joey veltkamp

jamie walker robert yoder

Images (from left to right): Photo by Robert Wade, © Erik Isakson/Corbis,

Heide Benser/Corbis

arts calendar

art

Museums

Henry Art GAllery

Sean Scully: Passages/ Impressions/Surfaces: A portfolio of a dozen photographs from the Outer Hebrides of Scotland will be paired with a large-scale oil painting by the artist—who’s far better known for his paintings. This time, we’ll get to see what he brings to photography. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through Jun 2. The Dowsing: Anna Telcs’ handmade garments are rituals in themselves. This exhibition of the Seattle designer’s works will be accompanied by performances. $10 suggested. Wed-Sun. Through May 5. 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280.

SeAttle Art MuSeuM Aaaaaand, we’re back to the dudes. Beer-swilling ones, though! From the press release for this exhibition, Rembrandt, Van Dyck, Gainsborough: The Treasures of Kenwood House, London, which visits SAM as one of three stops in the US, “Donated by Edward Cecil Guinness, 1st Earl of Iveagh (1847–1927) and heir to the world’s most successful brewery, the collection was shaped by the tastes of the Belle Epoque—Europe’s equivalent to America’s Gilded Age—when the earl shared the cultural stage and art market with other industry titans such as the Rothschilds, J. Pierpont Morgan, and Henry Clay Frick.” With works by artists from Rembrandt, Gainsborough, van Dyck, Hals, Reynolds, and Turner. $15 suggested. WedSun. Through May 19. 1300 First Ave 625-8900.

Gallery Openings

GAGe AcAdeMy of Art Generations : A solo show of long-time artist and teacher Tom Sherwood’s egg tempera and gold paintings. Reception Fri Feb 9, 6-9 pm. Mon-Sun. Through March 29. 1501 10th Ave E 526-2787.

H GreG KucerA GAllery

Ed Wicklander shows chiseled wood sculptures of napping kittens, and smooth steel sculptures of rings and spheres. Dallas-based artist William Binnie shows desolate paintings, as well as drawings of spiderwebs inscribed with messages like “Enjoy your hell” and “End is nigh.” Free. Reception Thurs Mar 7, 6-8 pm. Tues-Sat. Through March 30. 212 Third Ave S 624-0770.

HAnSon Scott GAllery

Lucid : Barbara De Pirro’s beautifully deformed sculptures of arboreal figures in steel, fiber, and acrylic paint. Free. Reception Sat Mar 23, 5-7 pm. Wed-Sat. Through March 24. 121 Prefontaine Pl S

H JAMeS HArriS GAllery Akio Takamori: Ground: New life-sized sculptures of colorful, curvy bodies by the celebrated ceramicist and co-chair of the University of Washington’s Art Department. Free. Reception Thurs Feb 21, 6-8 pm. Thurs-Sat. Through March 30. 312 Second Ave S, 903-6220.

Events

ArtiSt truSt Benefit Art Auction Every year, Artist Trust gives tens of thousands of dollars to individual artists to support their creative ideas right “at the source,” as their slogan truthfully goes. This auction benefits them. On top of it, people walk out with screaming art deals. Fisher Pavilion, 305 Harrison St, Seattle Center, 6857202. artisttrust.org. $175. Sat Feb 23, 5 pm.

H SAlon reViSited Amanda Manitach, Hedreen Gallery curator, invites Joey Veltkamp and Ryan Mitchell (of Stranger Genius-winning Implied Violence fame) to host the third event in this four-part series. Veltkamp and Mitchell’s last salon involved splashing around in expired milk; the stated goal of this one is to “blow your dick off.” Hedreen Gallery, Seattle University , 901 12th Ave, 296-2244. Free. Mon Feb 25, 6:30-8 pm.

H SAM leWitt: ArtiSt tAlK You know the Venn diagram of the population where one circle represents Art people and the

other circle represents Science people? This lecture is for those in the middle sliver. As part of the University of Washington’s Critical Issues in Contemporary Art series, the New Foundation Seattle invites Sam Lewitt to discuss his most recent work, which uses ferrofluid to address being between states. Henry Art Gallery , 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280. Free. Thurs Feb 21, 7-8:50 pm.

H SilVer tHreAd of eMPire

London-based artist Susan Stockwell discusses the sculptures she makes from the particles of global capitalism. In one of her past installations, hundreds of circuit boards and computer pieces pour out of a gallery’s AC vent and run across the floor; another features a Victorian dress made of foreign currency. Bellevue Arts Museum, 510 Bellevue Way NE, Bellevue, 425-519-0770. $10. Fri Feb 22, 4:30-5:30 pm.

H tHen iS AlSo noW lecture SerieS: PrePArty PrePArAtionS Then is Also Now Lecture Series ambitiously sets out to trace the history of Seattle’s creative landscape in five lectures. According to the Frye description, the series will focus on “historic artists, movements, and institutions that have contributed to the cultural landscape of the Pacific Northwest with a special emphasis on the role of private philanthropy, the spirit of civic responsibility, and the legacy of artist-initiated enterprises.” This first lecture starts at the beginning, with a discussion of indigenous art and culture by artist and historian Raymond Boisjoly. Frye Art Museum, 704 Terry Ave, 622-9250. $15. Thurs Feb 21, 6:30 pm. visualart@thestranger.com

readings

Wed 2/20

H PHil lAPSley Exploding the Phone: The Untold Story of the Teenagers and Outlaws Who Hacked Ma Bell is about how hackers—using tools as low-tech as plastic whistles found in cereal boxes—cheated the phone company out of money for fun. Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, 634-3400. $5. 6 pm.

H GArry WillS

In light of Pope Ratzi’s resignation, Willis’s book Why Priests? A Failed Tradition suddenly seems a billion times more relevant. Seattle First Baptist Church 1111 Harvard Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

H MAtt ruff Ruff’s The Mirage is an excellent alternate history novel that raved about in The Stranger when it was released last year. Now it’s out in paperback. You have no excuse anymore: Read it. University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

Thurs 2/21

JiM lyncH Lynch’s Truth Like the Sun is a novel about Seattle at two different times: in the World’s Fair back in the 1960s and in 2001, when the city was experiencing some nasty growing pains. Seattle Public Library, Ballard Branch 5614 22nd Ave NW, 684-4089. Free. 6:30 pm.

H BreAdline The grooviest reading series in town continues with the knockout lineup of author Matthew Simmons and poet Sierra Nelson. Those two—who are both great readers—will be joined by “poets from California-based Solo Novo journal,” plus an open mic. Vermillion, 1508 11th Ave, 7099797. Free. 7 pm.

H cAtHy n dAVidSon Davidson’s Now You See It: How the Brain Science of Attention Will Transform the Way We Live, Work, and Learn is about how the brain will affect the internet and vice-versa. UW Kane Hall, UW Seattle, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

H roGer HoBBS Ghostman is a debut novel “about a criminal’s criminal–who lives off the grid and sometimes goes by the name Jack–cleaning up messes when crimes go wrong.”

H means we recommend

The author is a very interesting young man who is a very snappy dresser. University Book Store, 4326 University Way NE, 6343400. Free. 7 pm.

H ron currie, Jr. Currie, who writes books that often get him compared to Kurt Vonnegut, reads from his muchanticipated new novel, Flimsy Little Plastic Miracles Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

Fri 2/22

H KAren finneyfrocK See review, page 23. Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 6246600. Free. 7 pm.

H Koon Woon And KeitH HolyoAK

Water Chasing Water is the newest book from Koon Woon, the poet who wrote The Truth in Rented Rooms. Holyoak is a translator who has written Foreigner and Facing the Moon: Poems of Li Bai and Du Fu Elliott Bay Book Company 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

Sat 2/23

H teen BooK BruncH WitH KAren finneyfrocK

Do you like brunch? Are you a teen? Do you like Karen Finneyfrock, the local poet and author of The Sweet Revenge of Celia Door? This is probably the event for you, then. University Book Store Mill Creek, 15311 Main St, 634-3400. Free. 11 am.

H MAdeleine AlBriGHt

The former secretary of state and author of Madam Secretary returns to Seattle with her new-inpaperback memoir of childhood, Prague Winter: A Personal Story of Remembrance and War Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, 6246600. Free. 2 pm.

Mon 2/25

cHArleS de lint

De Lint is a beloved sci-fi writer who has been in the business forever. His newest book, Under My Skin, is about “teens who find themselves transforming into and back from animal shapes.” One kid becomes a mountain lion during an argument, which is a good way to win an argument. University Temple United Methodist Church, 1415 NE 43rd St, 634-3400. Free. 7 pm.

Gretel eHrlicH

Ehrlich, who is a very popular naturalist, reads from her new book, Facing the Wave: a Journey in the Wake of the Tsunami Elliott Bay Book Company , 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.

Tues 2/26

MAnil Suri

Suri’s newest novel is The City of Devi Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 6246600. Free. 7 pm. readings@thestranger.com

theater

Opening and Current Runs

5 X tenn (or So)

Six rare one-acts by Tennessee Williams published after his death, including Chalky White Substance (about a post-apocalyptic dystopia) and Kingdom of Earth (about a flooded New Orleans). Stone Soup Theater at Downstage 4029 Stone Way, 800-838-3006. $12.50-$25. Thurs-Sat at 8 pm with select Sunday matinees. Through March 9.

H fAlSe PeAcH/A Piece of WorK See review, page 21. On the Boards, 100 W Roy St, 2179886. $12-$25. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through Feb 24.

H tHe MuSic MAn “Meredith Willson’s The Music Man is all about language’s powers to deceive. And it’s a language marvel in itself, a spray of kinds of rhetoric. There are the speaksong, homespun tongue twisters the show is probably most known for, but also the array of hilarious dialects (the bumbling mayor, the lisping kid, the Irish mom) and a variety of musical languages. Not just the choral romps and ballets and ballads in counterpoint

but also the four-part, all-male a capella harmonies, summoned by Willson with a subplot about four school board members who fight nonstop until their energies are redirected (by a traveling conman trying to distract them) into being a barbershop quartet. Los Angeles actress Laura Griffith plays librarian Marian Paroo so well she ought to be retained by Willson’s estate to play this role forever until the end of time.

Her singing is spine-tingling and her gradual transformation from spiteful to smitten feels like a revelation, even though it’s not new material. She’s definitely the highlight. Director Bill Berry finds a lot of the jokes in the script, but not all of them, and choreographer Bob Richard—who has umpteen dance numbers to work with, numbers where people ought to be flying through the air—is a bit too fond of standing and kicking.” (Christopher Frizzelle) 5th Avenue Theater 1308 Fifth Ave, 625-1900. $25-$113. Tues-Wed at 7:30 pm, ThursFri at 8 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm, Sun at 1:30 and 7 pm. Through March 10.

neXt to norMAl

“The winner of three 2009 Tony Awards and the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for drama, Next to Normal is not an easy show to watch or perform. At its February 8 opening at the Erickson Theater Off Broadway, neither the six-person cast nor I were quite up to the task. All the performances are more than competent, but nobody stands out in a show with a sometimes-complex score that screams for standout performances. It made for an uneven evening in which every time I’d written off a performer, he or she would suddenly surprise me, and every time thought I was about to be blown away, I never was.” (Goldy) Erickson Theater Off Broadway, 1524 Harvard Ave, 587-5400. $20-$25. Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 and 7 pm. Through March 2.

H SPf #7: Solo

PerforMAnce feStiVAl

Each year, the SPF festival of solo performance brings some new gem, usually a thrilling new performer we didn’t know existed or a great, unexpected direction from a performer we thought we knew. But it’s always new work and always a surprise. The seventh annual SPF brings another round of promising shows, including Hippiecrit: I Want to Change the World, I Just Don’t Feel Like It by well-loved Seattle actor Bhama Roget and I Can Hear You But I’m Not Listening by comedian/storyteller Jennifer Jasper. Other shows include Wanted by Tina Vernon (directed by Valerie Curtis-Newton), Peggy Plant/Mama Tits in 2x2: A Duplex Comedy and Lisa Koch in Show Me the Way to Go Home Theater Off Jackson , 409 Seventh Ave S, www.brownpapertickets.com. $15-$18. Various days and times, see www.theatreoffjackson.org for full schedule. Through March 23.

H tHeSe StreetS A world-premiere rock ’n’ roll play with a live band about women in the Seattle music scene in the 1990s. Creators Sarah Rudinoff, Gretta Harley, and Elizabeth Kenny based the show on dozens of interviews with people who were there, and it includes music by the Gits, 7 Year Bitch, Hammberbox, and others. ACT Theater, 700 E Union St, 2927676. $5-$30. Thurs-Sun at 8 pm. Through March 10. WAr HorSe See review, page 23. Paramount Theater, 911 Pine St, 682-1414. $25-$105. TuesThurs at 7:30 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm, Sun at 1 and 6:30 pm. Through Feb 24.

Cabaret

tHAt’S fucKed uP! That’s Fucked Up! prides itself on being more dangerous and deranged than what it calls “hackneyed burlesque, drag, and cirque.” With performers Nasta Canasta (NYC), Mercury Troy (LA), Ultra, Jenny Penny, Queen Shmooquan, Ernie Von Schmaltz, and many others. Clown Stripper Productions at Re-bar, 1114 Howell St, www.brownpapertickets.com. $15-$20. Fri-Sat at 7:30 pm. Through Feb 23. theater@thestranger.com

CHOW

Over the Strawberry Moon

How I Learned to Stop Eating Food and Not Love Living on Juice Alone

BY ANNA MINARD

Iam a comfort animal—a devoted hedonist, a coffee addict, a person who many weekday mornings sits down to a full breakfast of sausage and eggs. A few weeks ago, a local juice

company called Strawberry Moon offered us a free juice fast. It did not make a lot of sense for me to accept. The instructions read, in part: “If you absolutely need to eat, first try raw food… But the food desire is more of a head game. You can easily survive 30 days without food.” Easily! Really. Who knew. I would try this juice fast! When I told a friend it meant I couldn’t drink coffee, she laughed so hard she hit her head on a table.

Strawberry Moon offers a three-day fast, but they said that many people start to feel “really good” on the third day and wish they had “gone for the five-day instead.” So I went for it. I was allotted four 16-ounce juices a day. For five days. “Once your juice arrives, remove solid foods from your diet, [and] flood the body with healthy nutrient-dense and enzyme-packed juice,” warbled the instructions. Simple!

My first juice was green-brown: carrot, fennel, spinach, apple, cucumber. It made my mouth tingle with fennel. I felt cleansed-er already. And already hungry as fuck. While I was drinking it, Megan Seling sent an officewide e-mail with a picture of four different kinds of cupcakes she’d just brought in, adding, “I even brought my culinary torch for the brûlée!” It was going to be a very long week.

The science on juice cleanses is spotty. People who “cleanse” talk a lot about “toxins,” but in any serious article about juicing, there’s a quote from a reputable doctor who explains that your liver exists to filter out toxins from your food, and it doesn’t need a “break” from its job. Strawberry Moon owner Sean Dereck told me in an e-mail that it was more about enzymes: “When digestive enzymes are always in demand, the body knows how to switch a systemic enzyme (for repairs) into a digestive enzyme. As systemic enzymes deplete, the aging process accelerates.” I didn’t feel younger at all, just tired—very tired, on the very first day.

My dinner juice was kale, celery, parsley, dandelion, ginger, and lime. The combo made my mouth burn, like if your front lawn came to life and you gave it a blowjob, and then you found out it had grass STIs. My mouth felt like that for an hour. When I woke up, I was hungry. I had a juice. It was orange, almond, and alfalfa. It tasted like a watered-down Creamsicle that came from a farm. I was still hungry.

When I walked in to work on day two carrying juice number two, which looked surprisingly like the Jolly Green Giant’s diarrhea

sample, my coworker Cienna Madrid, who was supposed to be juice-fasting with me, said, “Um… I owe you a hamburger.” She’d fallen off the wagon after about nine hours. She spoke of paella and something wrapped in bacon. I missed chewing.

getting straight in bed, another fucking bottle of juice next to me.

Halfway through, I “absolutely” needed to eat a raw food. I had a single avocado for dinner. You cannot imagine how enjoyable it was. It smelled amazing, the texture was lovely, I’d somehow picked one at the perfect stage of ripeness. It was the best avocado ever. Could there be an upside to this juice fast?

Like many modern humans, I have a com-

People asked a lot, so here is how I felt: hungry and bone-tired. I was always cold, I had a headache nonstop for three of the five days, and I was buried under a deep blanket of ennui. I looked around the world and couldn’t for the life of me understand why people were bothering to go about their day. Nothing was meaningful. I looked forward to little else but going home each day and

plicated relationship to food. I am a hungry girl and I love to eat. I wake up in the night wishing I could have breakfast already. I’m rarely picky, and I was raised by people who spend the bulk of their entertainment budget on delicious and beautiful food. In giving up solid food, I suddenly had to account for hours and dollars I hadn’t thought much of. Without food, coffee, and alcohol, how and where could

I socialize? How did I reward myself for hard work? How did I relax?

I had a big party with friends where we all drank juice (they also drank gin, and I almost did too). I got a lot more sleep, because there was no point in staying up. It got easier to live with the constant feeling of hunger, but I did not feel “light” or enlightened or free. I felt disconnected from the world—in a disturbing way, not a meditative way. I misdialed phone numbers all the time, made stupid typos. I kept thinking of a Sylvia Plath poem about a long fever (“Water, water make me retch./I am too pure for you or anyone./Your body/ Hurts me as the world hurts God”). Other than that, I just thought about food.

And then it was Friday. I broke my fast at dinner, at a birthday party. Everyone in the office was concerned about the breaking of the fast—start small, they said. Try pale, tasteless things. I asked Strawberry Moon for advice; they said that “salads, smoothies, soups are easy to digest” and to “go easy on the booze.”

I ended up eating three pieces of the greasiest, heaviest pizza I know of—from Northlake Tavern—and I washed it down with a great pinot noir. It was, obviously, fucking incredible. I had a slice of halfbutter, half-chocolate birthday cake baked out of the Dahlia Bakery’s cookbook, and then I went to a show and drank beer until close. My body was delighted. It did not complain. My skin, which had been breaking out all week, cleared up immediately. My brain came back online. The world was new again.

“The food desire is more of a head game.” Who knew!

Everyone keeps asking me why on earth I would do this thing. Because it was crazy? Because Cienna said she would do it, too? (I collected my apology cheeseburger, with bacon jam and bleu cheese, from Cienna at Skillet Diner.) I didn’t do it because of toxins or enzymes; I think that’s crap. I approached it as a project, a dare, a test of will, a curiosity exercise. It seemed insane and impossible, and sometimes it’s fun to see if you can do something that seems impossibly insane, just to test yourself.

I don’t regret it at all. The juice people might—Strawberry Moon wrote on their Facebook page that “we never heard if she slept better, weight loss, skin change, or any sick details about the sick details.” (My extra sleep might seem better, but it was out of boredom and sadness. I think I lost three pounds. The “sick details” weren’t sick, they were just green.)

“And,” they wrote, “if you play hard, a juice fast is going to be more difficult than for the more health regimented.” I don’t regret the fast, but I also don’t regret “playing hard,” whatever that means—birthday cake and gin and dive bars are not things I want to cleanse myself of. n We

GIN AND JUICE Minus the gin.

ANNA MINARD

OSCAR PARTY

sandwiches (house-made corned beef!), and their own bagel chips. The owner’s from back East, where her parents ran a deli. Peanut Butter Death… it MUST be good for you. (5509 University Way NE, 257-4798, fatducksdeli.com, $)

H THE FAT HEN • Ballard: Seattleite Linnea Gallo and her Italian-born husband Massimo run the Fat Hen, near Delancey in Ballard. The space is small but airy and lovely, with marble-topped cafe tables; they’re serving breakfast and lunch and weekend brunch—eggs “in carrozza” (with prosciutto cotto and scamorza), eggs Benedict with superlative hollandaise on house-made English muffins, more—plus dinner on Friday nights. Bock bock! (1418 NW 70th St, 782-5422, thefathenseattle.com, $–$$)

H FEIERABEND • South Lake Union: Feierabend (fireuh-bund, approximately, but don’t worry if you can’t pronounce it—it means “quitting time”) encourages a calm, joyous immoderation. They have truly intimidating portions of Wiener schnitzel pornographically laid across mountainous beds of fries, and fat, stubby, imported-from-Germany deep-fried pickles. Eighteen German beers are on tap, each served in its correct glassware, which is marshaled in sparkling rows on the bar’s shelves; you can also get an enormous, dimpled one-liter glass mug of any one of them. While it’s in a ground-floor condo retail space, Feierabend’s ceiling is high, its furnishings dark and sturdy. Real live Germans have been known to frequent this place (and clean their plates, too). (422 Yale Ave N, 340-2528, feierabendseattle.com, $$)

H FIDDLEHEAD FINE FOODS & CAFE • West Seattle: Fiddlehead serves lunch and brunch (including cheesy grits and pork hash) and beer/wine/cider in addition to coffee/tea/etc. The inside is light, low-key, and minimalistic, like the kitchen inside of a dollhouse. (4310 SW Oregon St, 708-7891, $)

H FISH CAKE FACTORY • Belltown: The chef at Fish Cake Factory in Belltown is a local heroine of Thai food: Vimonsri Wongjaraen, the longtime chef of Bai Tong (Bai Tong’s Tukwila location, so the lore goes, was the favorite of employees of Thai Airways, who’d come from nearby Sea-Tac). The space, on a lonely stretch of Fourth Avenue, is basic but handsome, with big windows, hardwood floors, and lightbulbs with good-looking filaments. The assortment of fish cakes includes the usual (and tasty) tod mun, flaky garlic trout, spicy-sweet Indian yellow curry salmon with kernels of corn, a gummy but good vegetarian version made with taro, and lots more. The rest of the food here is a cut above your neighborhood Thai spot—try the extra-rich-and-thick massaman curry or the big pile of super-fresh garlic black pepper prawns. You’ll probably have leftovers, and you’ll probably drink the rest of the sauce out of the bottom of the take-out container. (2510 Fourth Ave, 724-0194, fishcakefactory.com, $$)

H FOGÓN • Capitol Hill: Fogón means “stove,” in a way that connotes warmth and hearth and family. The owners of Capitol Hill’s Fogón Cocina Mexicana were born in Mexico; the restaurant is staffed with family and friends, and the service is friendly and considerate. It’s in the ground-floor condo retail space where first Kurrent and then Kiki failed to thrive, but the ghosts feel fully dispelled: Fogón is airy and pleasantly contemporary, with lime-green walls and a constellation of punched-tin light fixtures in the entry. And the familiar Michoacán-style food tastes extra fresh and extra good. The housemade corn tortillas are amazing: cushy, pillowy, maybe ready to levitate. Chips and a trio of salsas cost extra and are completely worth it. The chile relleno, stuffed with queso fresco, is particularly great. Enough said: If you like comforting, delicious Mexican food and nice people and big margaritas, you should go here. (600 E Pine St, 320-7777, fogonseattle.com, $$)

H FONDA LA CATRINA • Georgetown: To take the goodness of family cooking and marry it to better-quality ingredients without going overboard on the surroundings: This goes to the greater food-good of our city. Georgetown’s Fonda La Catrina is a case in point. They make their own tortillas in the corner open kitchen; the bar that occupies the other side of the room makes a jalapeño margarita that is actually, truly spicy-hot. The nuanced mole sauce is earthy rather than sweet; it has a savory complexity, but it remains comforting. The chicken has the taste and texture of bird, not the squidgy blandness of just breast meat; the pork in the (again, actually, truly spicy-hot, with visible bits of habañero) cochinita pibil is from Carlton Farms. The lengua is soft, almost creamy; so are the tamales. The slippery cactus salad that comes with your torta is topped with crumbles of cotija. The room is clattery and the decor is not trying too hard, mainly consisting of a Diego Rivera–style mural depicting Mexican revolutionaries and poets, ears of corn and musical instruments, children and guns; it’s got Death on a bicycle on one side, Death wearing a fancy feathered hat on the other. Adequately sized plates of very tasty food cost less than $10, with no refried beans, no lake of melted cheese. If you eat here, you’ll wish

were your neighborhood Mexican restaurant. (5905 Airport

S,

MUSIC

The Greatest Rapper of All Time

Rakim Is the Flower Revolution of Rap

by c harles m udede

Let’s begin here, a place that seems furthest away from the universe of “The R” (as the veteran rapper Rakim often called himself): Back in the 1960s, the American anthropologist Loren

Eiseley famously and poetically wrote that flowers dramatically changed the appearance of the earth 100 million years ago. Before this flower revolution, the earth was dull and monochromatic; after the flowers, there was color everywhere. Eiseley wrote, “A little while ago—about one hundred million years, as the geologist estimates in the history of our four-billion-yearold planet—flowers were not to be found anywhere on the five continents. Wherever one might have looked, from the poles to the equator, one would have seen only the cold dark monotonous green of a world whose plant life possessed no other color. Somewhere, just a short time before the close of the Age of Reptiles, there occurred a soundless, violent explosion. It lasted millions of years, but it was an explosion, nevertheless. It marked the emergence of the angiosperms—the flowering plants. Flowers changed the face of the planet.”

Rakim w/Grynch, Fearce and BeanOne Mon Feb 25, Neumos, 8 pm, $20, 21+

rappers: good wack rappers and bad wack rappers. Roxanne Shanté was, for example, good wack; the Real Roxanne was bad wack. In short, nothing was not wack. After Rakim released five groundbreaking hiphop tracks in 1986 and 1987 (in this order: “Eric B. Is President,”

“I Ain’t No Joke,” “I Know You Got Soul,” “Move the Crowd,” and “Paid in Full”), something was finally separated from the monochromatic wack. And for the first time, we could see rhymes in living color. (A quick note: The Beastie Boys were a part of the wack rap moment in hiphop—though of the good variety—and never really parted with it, but preserved it, even to this day, like a kind of fossil. One more note: Listen to “Down with the King” and you will hear the difference between rap’s pre-Rakim moment [Run-D.M.C.’s section] and post-Rakim moment [Pete Rock and CL Smooth’s section].)

into an instrument.

I will now get right down to it and say that Rakim is the greatest rapper of all time. It’s not Jay-Z, or Tupac, or Biggie, or Eminem— all of these rappers came on the scene after much of the difficult work had been done. To recognize the highest accomplishment of the art, you have to go back to a rapper who had to completely reinvent the form on his own. That rapper is Rakim. Yes, there were other

Before Rakim, rap was basically no better than Mother Goose rhymes.

rappers who might have been more talented than Rakim (history always works like this; there’s always someone we have forgotten, someone who could blow our minds out of the sky—I must mention Rammellzee, whose 1983 track “Beat Bop” was not only out of this world, but produced by Jean-Michel Basquiat), but Rakim was the one rapper who became a huge success and was able to sustain his popularity over a wide span of time. After his five initial groundbreakers, he released four more: “Microphone Fiend,” “The R,” “Lyrics of Fury,” and “Follow the Leader.” To be the greatest ever, you can’t be a flash in the pan or someone who never made it out of obscurity (like Rammellzee, who sadly died in 2010 at the age of 49).

“Follow the Leader” is the greatest track in hiphop history. For one reason, Rakim rhymes about travel like never before—they travel “at magnificent speeds around the universe.” (In Icons of Hip Hop: An Encyclopedia of the Movement, Music, and Culture, Mickey Hess described the song as “an event horizon that defined the stock in trade of the rap soloist”—there is no way to improve on that description.) The other reason is the futuristic beat, which was produced by the underappreciated Eric B. Recall the end of the movie Wild Style, one of the founding documents of the movement—it’s prophesied that the star of hiphop will not be the graffiti artist or the dancer but the rapper. This certainly did eventually happen, but before the spectacular rise of the rapper, the star of hiphop was the DJ. Though revolutionary for their time, Eric B. and Rakim formed a very traditional unit, which is why in the duo’s moniker, the name Eric B. (the DJ) came first and Rakim (the rapper) second. This is also why the first track they released was not called “Rakim Is President,” and why even in “Follow the Leader” the rapper makes sure to expend some lines on the superpowers of his DJ: “There’s one R in the alphabet/It’s a one-letter word and it’s about to get/More complex from one rhyme to the next/Eric B. be easy on the flex.” This was the old-school way. By the late 1990s, the DJ was completely out of the picture.

• Mark your entire calendar! VIPCD (Very Important Central District People) Hollow Earth Radio and 20/20 Cycle are bringing you the sixth annual Magma Festival every weekend in March. This year’s eclectic lineup includes NW queercore (the Need are reuniting!), hardcore, hiphop, pop, garage, experimental, electronic, and more. For more info, see hollowearthradio.org.

• It’s been confirmed that Seattle prides and joys Macklemore & Ryan Lewis will be the musical guests on Saturday Night Live on March 2. Something something, two wiiilllld and caaarrrazzzy guys!

• A Florida man allegedly hit his boyfriend in the face with a plate because he was listening to Alanis Morissette, reportedly telling police, “That’s all that motherfucker listens to.” In a related hot tip, following the Twitter handle @_FloridaMan is one of the most rewarding/horrifying things you can do on the internet this side of YouTube video “Lindsay Lohan’s Changing Face—25 Years in 60 Seconds.”

• Radar Hair and Records in Sodo was the site for a Mudhoney music video shoot on Saturday for the song “I Like It Small,” off their forthcoming album Vanishing Point . The video was directed by Carlos Lopez and included tons of Seattle extras who participated in a raging party scene, ate their weight in Hot Mama’s pizza, and drained a keg before the night was over.

• James Scheall and Jamey Braden former members of the excellent and sadly defunct no-wave unit Wet Paint DMM—have formed a new band with Butts drummer Shannon Perry. The project is so new, it doesn’t have a name yet, but Scheall says to expect music and perhaps live appearances to surface/happen by spring.

• On Saturday, SHEBEAR won the second round of the battle of the underage bands competition Sound Off!, joining the Fame Riot for the finals on March 2. Maiah Manser came in second place, making her eligible for the wild-card slot (one secondplace performer will be invited to play the finals—the EMP’s Youth Advisory Board votes on who will move forward).

I mention this because it comes close to how I see Rakim’s impact on the world of rap. Before he came onto the scene in the mid 1980s, rap was very simple and stiff—basically no better than Mother Goose rhymes. True, there was the urban realism of Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five’s “The Message,” and even the futurism of T La Rock’s “It’s Yours” (Def Jam’s first single). But as a whole, there were only two types of

Let me put this another way: Before Rakim, all rap was like listening to a jazz saxophonist playing everything strictly within the structure of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”; after Rakim, rap sounded more like John Coltrane’s “Giant Steps.” With an elasticity that was completely new to the form, Rakim could expand a rhyme to a dizzying length in one line and then compress it into a microsphere in the next. The essence of his accomplishment was to transform rapping

“First to ever let a rhyme flow down the Nile,” raps Rakim in the DJ Premier–produced track “It’s Been a Long Time,” which celebrates his achievements as a rap pioneer (it was released in 1997 on the album The 18th Letter). Above all, Rakim was not a poet but a rapper. He did not bring poetry to rap but raised rap, on its own terms, to the condition of art. n

Nothing was not wack at thestranger.com/music

• A Dave Matthews Band hat was spotted at Sunday’s Bone Thugs-N-Harmony show at Neumos because of course there was.

• Yoko Ono celebrated the big eight-oh on Sunday by performing with the Plastic Ono Band in Berlin. The band was led by her son, Sean Lennon, and guest performers included Michael Stipe, Peaches, and Rufus and Martha Wainwright, who sang “Happy Birthday” in both English and German to honor our favorite avant-babe. n

RakIM The rapper who completely reinvented the form on his own.

Lindsay Lohan

Reality Warpers Anonymous

The Residents Unveil the Wonders of Weird

By Dave Segal

For more than 40 years, the Residents have been the paradigmatic DIY underground band. Remaining anonymous and in complete control of their sprawling, unique catalog, they’ve created a body of experimental rock/pop that’s both grotesquely warped and strangely touching. They’re as serious as a fake heart attack and as facetious as Reagan threatening to bomb the Soviet Union. A cinematic genius would have to do a six-hour film on the Residents just to scratch the surface of their enigmatic subversion of (un)popular music. The Residents don’t do interviews, so Cryptic Corporation “manager” Homer Flynn answered these questions in advance of their Wonder of Weird tour.

exclusively older music from their catalog, but it’s not really a “greatest hits” selection. They have chosen to mostly play more obscure material and then have drastically rearranged it, so it almost sounds new—but there will be a lot that’s familiar to longtime fans.

What is the strangest thing that’s happened to the Residents while touring and/or onstage?

The Residents Thurs Feb 21, Neptune, 8 pm, $25.50, 21+

What motivates the Residents to keep making music? What more can they accomplish? Will they ever stop?

The Residents always say they find life more entertaining than watching TV, but specifically, they keep meeting new people, having new ideas, and finding new challenges, so that makes it easy for them to keep moving forward. As for what they can still accomplish, they would love to make a movie. Well, they will eventually die—but then maybe we’ll find new Residents waiting in the wings.

The Residents, like Sun Ra, have operated as their own self-sufficient organism. Ergo, they seem totally prepared for the music industry’s probable collapse. Have the Residents always been able to focus exclusively on the group or have members had to hold day jobs?

The Residents haven’t had any straight jobs since the Cryptic Corporation took over their business in 1976. Before that, they worked as billers at UC Med Center in San Francisco, a concrete truck dispatcher, a pipeline tester, a bank teller, and mail sorters at the post office. Did James Brown ever inform the Residents of his thoughts on their covers of his songs? How about Mick Jagger and Keith Richards re: “Satisfaction”?

To my knowledge, neither James Brown, Jagger, nor Richards have ever commented on the Residents’ versions of their songs. They did meet James Brown at the House of Blues in Las Vegas one time, but he didn’t seem to know who they were, which is not surprising.

What can fans expect from the Residents on this tour? A kind of “greatest hits” extravaganza? New tunes?

The Wonder of Weird is a retrospective tour, so the Residents are performing

Probably the strangest thing was when the Residents were performing their Mole Show with Penn Jillette acting as narrator. At one point, near the end of the show, Penn was handcuffed into a wheelchair and brought out onto the stage. As the stage filled with smoke as part of the war between the Moles and the Chubs, a crazed German fan came up onstage and started choking Penn. Luckily, a stage manager dragged him offstage before he could do any damage.

What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to the Residents while touring and/ or onstage?

One of the funniest things just happened on this tour in Carborro, North Carolina. A woman in the audience was returning to her seat when she accidentally knocked loose the cable connecting all the stage audio equipment to the sound system, causing the entire room to instantly go silent. Without missing a beat, Randy, the Residents’ singer, got the audience to join in on a sing-along of “Teddy,” the piece they were playing when the sound went out. It was both funny and touching.

How do the Residents feel about not being in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

While the Residents have used rock music, as well as jazz, industrial, lounge, world music, etc., as tools for creating their albums, they have never really considered themselves a “rock band,” so from their perspective, it’s appropriate that they are not there. Of course, to be enshrined near the immortal Bo Diddley wouldn’t be bad.

How is the Ultimate Box Set [the Residents’ entire catalog, plus trademark eyeball mask and other paraphernalia, packaged in a large refrigerator and priced at $100,000] selling?

There are no sales so far. There have been a couple of discussions with potential buyers, but no one has come up with the deposit money yet.

What is the most beautiful thing the Residents have ever seen or heard?

Either holding a newborn daughter or spacing out to a three-hour Sun Ra concert. A fresh dry-farmed tomato at the end of the summer is pretty cool, too. n

the residents Grotesquely warped and strangely touching.

sound check

by trent moorman

TORO Y MOI MAKES SPIRULINA FOR SPACE

For vocals, are you a one-take wonder? Or are you a Mariah Carey hundred-take kind of singer?

I’ll just record it until it’s right. Probably five or six takes? I’m not crazy anal about it because you can just fix it digitally.

Y Moi

I’ve heard stories about Mariah Carey doing an insane amount of takes where one word will be blended together from three separate takes. It depends on who you are. I’m not trying to have a crazy vocal sound like her, though; I’m more of a just-get-the-idea-out kind of person.

w/Sinkane, Dog Bite

Wed Feb 27, Crocodile, 8 pm, $15, all ages

The music of Toro Y Moi exists in a module of refined and effortless flow. Outwardly, the R&B, pop, and hiphop strands form a smooth, hook-laden archipelago. Inwardly, the beats and synth-based compounds contain spirulina, an audible form of the blue-green algae high in danceable minerals. Chaz Bundick is the man, mind, and voice of Toro Y Moi. Like his music, there’s an illuminated ease to him, a scholarly calm. In January, he released his third full-length album, Anything in Return—52 minutes of lyrical, icy electronic pop and sanctum-funk.

In the first single, “So Many Details,” Bundick sings with his higher register, “You send my life into somewhere I can’t describe.” Then the thickened beat drops out, leaving delayed tubes of keyboards to aerate. The breakdown’s image is of Bundick floating through deep space in a terrarium. There are mosses about him, palm trees, and lilacs. Holographic butterflies flap through the warm, damp air. Bundick stands next to a small, pellucid pool, gazing out of a window into the endless black envelope of the cosmos and the void. And he’s okay with it all. Bundick spoke while en route from Atlanta, Georgia, to Carrboro, North Carolina. He was not in a terrarium, although he did sound tranquil.

I’ve heard the word “suave” used to describe your sound. The smoothness. How would you define suave?

I wouldn’t call it suave. That’s more the critics’ touch [laughs]. I’d say it’s R&Binfluenced pop music. Or R&B pop. Or odd music.

You have training as a graphic designer. How does that affect your music?

Yes, I went to school for graphic design. It doesn’t affect the music too much. I don’t feel much of a connection between the two. I mean, there’s definitely a certain aesthetic I’m attracted to, so that can attract me to certain sounds or certain types of music. When it comes to design, I like things that are tasteful, classic, and timeless. With music, it’s the same way. But it’s not like I see colors and think of certain genres or notes.

John Stortz did the album artwork. How did you all nail the cover image down?

Where do you start working on songs?

Usually at home, I start finding sounds. The first song I wrote for the album was “Rose Quartz,” and it took a long time to finish because it went through so many stages. It was a process of remixing myself over and over until it got to a space where I liked it. Once I found the vibe for “Rose Quartz,” it set the mood for the rest of the album. “So Many Details” was started on tour as a hiphop beat I’d been working on. When I got home, I decided to sing on it, and then it turned into the single. I don’t remember what goes through my head when I’m writing, really. I get into a certain zone where I don’t remember what’s going on.

When you decide to sing, how do you go about writing lyrics or words? That can be fun or challenging, because I don’t want it to sound redundant or cliché or boring. But at the same time, I don’t want it to sound so ridiculous. Lyrics are always the last thing I do.

He’s a good friend of mine. We went to college together, and I’ve been a fan of his art for a long time. I got in touch with him and told him to go for it, to do whatever he wanted. I gave him a couple themes, like having some plant life involved. The aesthetic I wanted was kind of a ’70s reference—he understood that, and that’s what he turned in, and it was awesome.

Complete a scene for me: You go to a palm reader to have your fortune told. There’s a neon “Palm Reader” sign on the window. Inside, she has crystals and buffalo skins all over. You sit on a pillow and show her your hand. What does she see? What’s your future?

I don’t mess with that stuff; it’s too real. She looks at your life line and freaks out. She says, “You will live forever.”

Yeah right [laughs]. What would I want her to say? [Pauses] I think I’d want her to say, “You’re going to have a nice life.” Or something like that. “With a wife and kids.” And, “You won’t be affected by fame and fortune, because that stuff is stupid.”

And “YOU WILL LIVE FOREVER.”

Or to about 75 or 85.

The new album is called Anything in Return. Why Anything in Return?

It’s about being a good person, not expecting anything in return. Doing things out of a good nature.

What are the favorite Toro Y Moi tour-van activities?

Sleeping and watching The Walking Dead [laughs]. I’ve been listening to the new My Bloody Valentine. It’s really good. What do you like about the new My Bloody Valentine? What does it encapsulate?

They’ve been working on it since the ’80s or whatever. I think it shows how solid the songs are, that they can stand the test of time, because the songs are good now, in our present context. And if they had come out in the ’80s, they would have been good then, too… n

interviews

Toro

Toro Y Moi

Andrew PAynter

The Vera Project is proud to present Seattle’ s premier celebration of all - ages music & art.

Thank you to our sponsors , volunteers , show goers , donors , and friends. We couldn ’ t do it without you!

Founded in 2001, Vera is an all-ages volunteer-fueled, non-profit music & arts venue.

Vera engages thousands in the arts, develops the future of the music industry, and supports a vibrant Seattle culture.

MY PHILOSOPHY

GALACTIC, JARV DEE, RAKIM, METHOD MAN

Holy crap, if you missed that Cam’ron show, I feel bad for you, son. No, it’s okay, dude just really killed the Crocodile with a very commanding 45 minutes of his hits. Kind of restored my faith in the rap show, I won’t lie. (Too many boring MCs with zero charisma, too many shitty sets rapped over vocal tracks are to blame for me losing it in the first place—is it you?) Okay, lots of shows to touch, as we wrap up the second month of 2013—huh?—but the most important being Rakim at Neumos. More on that in a sec, tho.

Playing on Friday, February 22, at Showbox at the Market is New Orleans’s own funky fucks Galactic—a really dope band if you like what people older than me (imagine!) call “real music,” but damn good even (or especially) if your palate is all scorched earth from same-sounding radio popgangsta trap rap (and “Thrift Shop,” of course). They cross up oldschool N’awlins funk with everything nice; plus these days, they’re armed with Living Colour’s mighty Corey Glover on the vocals, so what’s fuckin’ with that? Oh yeah, and Latyrx is touring with them, too. Get down.

But then you gotta get up on Saturday, to the gig of your choice. Firstly, lemme get a conflict-of-interest air horn for a show I masterminded up at the Comet Tavern on Capitol Hill: featuring Jarv Dee, Tacoma’s rising ILLFIGHTYOU clique, and Gift uh Gab. That’s Moor Gang plus the 253’s most ig’nant, plus yours truly playing cuts (probably off my phone or something). Or you can take a different route up to Nectar to catch local cigarette burn rap king Sadistik. He’ll be aided and abetted by Sleep and Josh Martinez’s evergreen combo the Chicharones the MC Type (who’s been killing it on the satire front, between his spot-on spoofs of emo rap and egregious backpackery), and the prodigious one-man underground terror cell Graves33

Which brings us up to Monday, February 25, at Neumos: Rakim Allah, the R, the 18th Letter, the Microphone Fiend. This guy is a god among MCs, duh—even Nas would run to the store for the dude. Rakim’s King-ofthe-Jungle style epitomizes a timeless cool that is the gold standard of rap presentation, and I’m looking forward to checking him, along with Grynch (who’s got a 12inch with Budo coming on Fin Records) and Fearce and Bean, who capture some of that MC/DJ magic that the R once enjoyed with OG cornrow-wearer Eric B Neumos is going back-to-back on some cold NYC hiphop (from Strong Island to Shaolin, to be specific), as Tuesday finds it (and Neema) hosting the Ticallion Stallion, Hot Nickelz, Johnny Fuckin’ Blaze—you know, Method Man from the Wu-Tang Clan. (In a nice regional party platter, Seattle’s RA Scion, Tacoma’s Leezy, and Portland’s Serge Severe open up.) Anybody who’s seen the Wu knows that Mef is the live wire at any show and loves walking on top of the crowd’s hands, so bring some Purell. He’s also the owner of some of the snottiest, grungiest, piss-in-the-project-hall-iest bars ever, so please “Release Yo Delf” and enjoy yourself, bitches. It’s a celebration. ■

26 • 7:30PM led

WED/FEB 27 • 7PM & 9:30PM robben ford w/ adrian legg (early show)

SAT/MARCH 2 • 7PM & 10PM SEALED WITH A KISS PRESENTS tyrone wells w/ brett young (7pm) & graham colton (10pm)

SUN/MARCH

HIPHOP YA DON'T STOP

BY LARRY MIZELL JR.

Method Man

UP&COMING

Lose your funky undercurrents every night this week!

For the full music calendar, see page 39 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows

Wednesday 2/20

Shelter: DJ Sprinkles, Tyler Morrison, Made Like a Tree (Q) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Mouse on Mars, Matmos, Horse Lords (Neumos) Germany’s Mouse on Mars pretty much have never not been delightfully strange throughout their nearly 20-year career. From the dubadelic and exotica-flavored electronica of Vulvaland and Iaora Tahiti to the disjointed, spasmodic IDM of mid-period releases like Niun Niggung and Idiology to the oblong bass music of 2012’s Parastrophics and WOW, MOM have carved out a distinctive niche with their structural oddness, textural eccentricities, and quirkily catchy melodies. If they bring drummer and wild-card vocalist Dodo NKishi, this show should be off the hook with weird hooks. Baltimore’s Horse Lords play spiky, smart rock with tricky meters and unconventionally radiant guitar tones à la Rhys Chatham. They’ll be serving as Matmos’s backing band on this tour. You already know about the unique genius of experimental-electronic duo Matmos, because you read the feature in last week’s Stranger, right? DAVE SEGAL

Nightmare Fortress, Slow Dance, Blicky, DJ Jermaine (Mercury) Whoa! Will the old-guard goths, the cardcarrying members of Seattle’s most mysteriously private industrial club Mercury at Machinewerks, welcome new goths grave-raver rock band Nightmare Fortress into their dark and nihilistic playpen with open arms? I hope so, because Nightmare For-

tress are excellent—in their Velvet-Undergroundmeets-Nine-Inch-Nails sort of way. I hope the band remembers NOT to wear jeans, though—Mercury has a strict dress code. Baby bats beware! KELLY O

Thursday 2/21

The Residents (Neptune) See preview, page 31.

Double Duchess, Glitterbang, Hoot N Howl (Chop Suey) See Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Ott & the All-Seeing I, KiloWatts (Neumos) Ott & the All-Seeing I are British purveyors of fine semitraditionalist dub with funky undercurrents and wonky, recessive dubstep traits. Now that marijuana is legal in Seattle, their brand of laid-back, expansive, and psychotropic jams should go over like a bong full of whatever is the Northwest’s premier strain of marijuana. Ott’s history as a studio engineer for far-out innovators like Brian Eno, Steve Hillage, African Head Charge, and the Orb assure that his tracks sound magnificent. That he and his All-Seeing I also have a song titled “Owl Stretching Time” is just a bonus for all the Monty Python’s Flying Circus nerds out there. DAVE SEGAL

Portable Shrines Present: Ecstatic Cosmic Union, Panabrite, Mood Organ, DJ Eye (Electric Tea Garden) It’s great to see Portable Shrines—who hosted three editions of the psychrock-intensive Escalator Fest—active on the live-

show front again. The collective’s operatives—the recently wedded Aubrey Nehring and Rena Bussinger—formed Ecstatic Cosmic Union last year and ever since have been lofting sweet clouds of gentle, warmly glowing psychedelia on guitar, keyboards, and rhythm box. It’s aaawww-some. Seattle keyboard savants Panabrite (Norm Chambers) and Mood Organ (Timm Mason) have received copious praise in this paper’s Data Breaker column, so I’ll just reiterate what’s already been written: They’re two of our most rigorous practitioners of ambient, cosmically inclined synth music. DAVE SEGAL

R. Stevie Moore, LAKE (Crocodile) Underground DIY lo-fi pioneer R. Stevie Moore is finally reaping the rewards of his sui generis craft, after decades of toiling in obscurity. Now that his unkempt hair and beard are totally white, lots of young’uns are paying attention to the man’s torrent of ingenious songwriting—at once earwormy and off-kilter, jauntily eccentric and subtly sinister—thanks to endorsements from artists like Ariel Pink and T.v. Coahran. The latter’s ggnzla label has issued some great work by Moore, and now Coahran and his hero have cut a cassette under the name Prohibituary titled In One Fell

Swoop. It’s a lovable jumble of ragged, splenetic rock that zags when you think it’s going to zig, and vice versa. The songs have a spontaneous charm and manic energy; they’re ambitious and accessible in unusual ways. Moore, please. DAVE SEGAL

The Soft Hills, Midnight Blooms, Karl Blau (Sunset) Go ahead, go on a tender bender. You deserve it. This show will be more relaxing than getting a massage from a lamb wearing mittens, more goose-bump-inducing than R. L. Stine. The Soft Hills really do make you feel as if you’re walking along a cushiony landscape. Soothing vocals glide over misty folkadelic melodies with spoonfuls of pop and swirling rock in there just in case you were getting a bit drowsy. Also playing is the enormously talented Karl Blau, whose charms run the rainbow of backyard solo acoustic improvisations to fully crafted wonder-albums. Plus, the romantic, yearning tunes of Midnight Blooms. EMILY NOKES

Friday 2/22

Galactic, Latyrx

(Showbox at the Market) See My Philosophy, page 35.

Pony Time, Ononos, Haunted Horses, Chastity Belt (Black Lodge) See Underage, page 43.

STS9

(Showbox Sodo) See Data Breaker, page 43.

Camper Van Beethoven, Casey Neill & the Norway Rats (Tractor) See Stranger Suggests, page 19.

Spencer Moody, Ben von Wildenhaus, Corey J. Brewer (Cairo) There is something casually sinister about the art-damaged drug folk of Ben von Wildenhaus—his track titled “The Limping Axeman” is a pretty good summary of the pacing and winking menace often found on his 2011 LP Great Melodies from Around. It’s a codeine-dipped woven blanket

of worldwide influences, sound splinters, and looping hiss made by a sweaty man who often performs wearing a used-computer-salesman suit. His pagan/ Christmas/Hanukkah album Yule, Year of Our Lord 2012 has song titles such as “Angels We Have Heard When High” and “Which Child Is This?” and is definitely worth the off-season listen. EMILY NOKES

Saturday 2/23

Jarv Dee, ILLFIGHTYOU, Gift uh Gab (Comet) See My Philosophy, page 35

Sadistik, the Chicharones, the MC Type, Graves33 (Nectar) See My Philosophy, page 35.

Dream Decay, Broken Water, Negative Press, Mega Bog, Monogamy Party

(Black Lodge) See Underage, page 43.

18 Individual Eyes, Gibraltar, Ever-So-Android

(Lo-Fi) Just as I start making up my mind about where Gibraltar’s debut EP, Storms, falls on the spectrum of all sounds ever made, the fairly new

Northwest band pitches a changeup, leaving me with more questions than answers. Is it classic rock? Is it a more aggressive take on new wave? Is Elton John playing that piano? Is that Neil Young singing? Wait, no, that was definitely some blues right there. How do these local musicians, including members of Visqueen and Exohxo, who appear to be relatively young, sound so seasoned? As a music writer, it is my job to be able to answer these questions for you, but Storms just leaves me confounded. I know I like it, but what is it?!

MEGAN SELING

Grave Babies, Crypts, Vice Device, Youryoungbody (Highline) It was a sad day when These Arms Are Snakes announced they were breaking up. Their live shows had become a staple in this city—riotous pits of sweaty, experimental punk rock, with singer Steve Snere leading the crowd in thrashy sing-alongs like some kind of possessed pastor. But hallelujah! Snere is back in the position of wild frontman with Crypts. Great news! But one thing— Crypts are fucking creepy, man! Their self-titled album, coproduced by the talented Erik Blood, is full of electronic exorcisms that will make your skin crawl. And live, as you’d expect, shit gets even more chaotic. Be prepared for anything to happen during their set tonight—curdling blood, dancing

La Bohème (McCaw Hall) Arguably the opera to end all operas, Bohème can do a great deal to its audience without even trying. Still, this particular Bohème brings together the director who made such an impression at McCaw with his 2010 Lucia di Lammermoor (Tomer Zvulun) and the young Sardinian tenor the Seattle Times called “not merely spectacular but profound and potentially great” for his performance as the second-cast Alfredo in La Traviata in 2009 (Francesco Demuro), and the Italian conductor who led the soul-shredding Attila at the start of 2012 (Carlo Montanaro). Through March 10. JEN GRAVES

Sunday 2/24

Israel Vibration and the Root Radics (Neumos) If you were to ask me who the greatest band in the history of pop is, I would not say the Beatles, or the Stones, or anything like that. The greatest band will not be found in England or the United States, but on the little island of Jamaica. That band is the Roots Radics. Established in 1978 by the bassist Errol “Flabba” Holt, the guitarist Eric “Bingy Bunny” Lamont, and the drummer Lincoln “Style” Scott, the Roots Radics built a sound that not only cemented dub but had the profoundest sense of space and time. Scott’s drumming could be as hard as dry land and Holt’s bass as substantial as a heartbeat, but they always made sure there was plenty of room for words or echoes to float about like slow-moving clouds. The Roots Radics’ music is never rushed, nor tight and robotic like Sly and Robbie’s, but very sensual, very physical, and very earthy. Listen to King Tubby’s Dangerous Dub to hear what the greatest band ever sounds like.

CHARLES MUDEDE

Monday 2/25

Rakim, Grynch, Fearce and BeanOne (Neumos) See preview, page 29, and My Philosophy, page 35.

The 9th Annual Seattle-Kobe Female Vocalist Audition

(Jazz Alley) This is an annual Jazz Alley tradition, a sort of jazz exchange—Kobe, Japan, has long held a contest for female jazz vocalists wherein the winner gets to make her US debut right here at Jazz Alley. Eight years ago, Jazz Alley began holding a contest of its own, so the club could send vocalists to perform as special guests at the Kobe contest. At Jazz Alley, they have two categories of finalists: a group of adults and a group of high-schoolers. I’ve been to this contest before, and it’s a shit ton of fun. It’s always insane to hear real, huge jazz voices come out of these small, nervous teenagers. ANNA MINARD

Tuesday 2/26

Method Man, RA Scion, Leezy, Serge Severe

(Neumos) Who is your favorite Wu-Tang Clan rapper? Mine is Method Man. True, he has not done anything interesting in a decade, but his first solo album, Tical (1994), is up there in the timeless realm of Nas’s Illmatic, A Tribe Called Quest’s Midnight Marauders, and Mobb Deep’s Hell on Earth. But why pick Method Man over, say, GZA—another amazing Wu-Tang spitter? GZA is certainly smarter than Meth, but he can’t swing as hard as Meth. When it comes to rap, one must always first judge the swing before judging the ideas or content. CHARLES MUDEDE See also My Philosophy, page 35.

Indians, Night Beds, Cat Martino (Barboza) Copenhagen’s Indians is the starry-eyed project of Sørren Løkke Juul. Very dear and almost timid, Indians’ album Somewhere Else has the indie du jour delicate synth and lackadaisically woeful vocals down pat—one song, “I Am Haunted,” is perfect for a zoned-out walk in the cold or the heart-tugging drive to a breakup you know you should have initiated a while ago. Cat Martino was in Sufjan Stevens’s and Sharon Van Etten’s bands and has quite a nice voice. She is a looper of vocals, a pusher of pedals, and a genuine person with an interesting history and intriguing tales for each of her albums. EMILY NOKES

2.21

2.22

$7

2.24

$5

2.28

demons… anything MEGAN SELING

Neighbors, 8 pm, $8

A LOT OF NO SHAMPOO

EL CORAZON Yevtushenko, One Day Summer, Verdant Mile, guests, 7:30 pm, $8/$10 HIGH DIVE Tuktu, M. Lockwood Porter, Josh Miles, 8 pm, $6 HIGHWAY 99 John “Scooch”

Cugno & the 88s, $6

JAZZ ALLEY Jack DeJohnette Quartet featuring Ravi Coultrane, 7:30 pm, $28.50 H MERCURY Nightmare Fortress, Slow Dance, Blicky DJ Jermaine, $6

NECTAR Pickled Okra Barleywine Revue, guests, 6 pm, $5

RENDEZVOUS SpaceWaster, Sioux City Pete & the Beggars, guests, 10 pm

SEAMONSTER The Unsinkable Heavies SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Feed Me, Teeth, Mord

Fustang, guests a STUDIO SEVEN Soulfly, Incite, Lody Kong, guests, 6:30 pm, $25/$27 SUNSET TAVERN The Deer Tracks, Magic Wands, guests, 8 pm, $8

DJ

BALTIC ROOM DJ Rome, Rozzville, Zooty B, Antartic CENTURY BALLROOM DJ Mark, DJ Alison CUFF Rain Country THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests

FOUNDATION Funtcase, Just One, McFunk Brothers, Gritty, $10 after 10:30 pm HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1 LAST SUPPER CLUB Vibe

Headliners Edition: Ramiro, Johnny Monsoon, Ajax, Jame$Ervin

MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8 H NEUMOS Mouse on Mars,

Matmos, Horse Lords, $17

PONY Body 2 Body: 10 pm

H Q NIGHTCLUB DJ Sprinkles, Tyler Morrison, Made Like a Tree, 9 pm, free

SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm

THURS 2/21

LIVE 2 BIT SALOON CLR, Vile Display of Humanity guests

BARBOZA The Icarus Kid, Surrealized, Live Animals, Robot Uprise, 8 pm, $8 a BLACK COFFEE CO-OP Briana Marela, 6 pm, free H a BLACK LODGE Black Hills, Dust Moth, Slow Bird

BLUE MOON TAVERN The Bloody Count, Fearless Leader, Minor Plains

CAFE RACER Earl Brooks

H CHOP SUEY Double Duchess, Glitterbang, guests, $10

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Chastity Belt, Blooper, Marvelous Good Fortune,

O

WHAT DO YOU DO?

You’re having a Valentine’s Day party, and suddenly one of your guests has a blowup doll stuck to his face. What do you do?

• Take away the doll and quickly deflate it, so it can’t get stuck to anyone else’s face.

• Take away the two open bottles of champagne, so the person will lose the doll to try to reclaim the booze.

• Nothing. When was the last time you were at a party where a person had either a blowup doll stuck to their face or a lampshade on their head? Vote at thestranger.com/drunkoftheweek. KELLY O

H a CROCODILE R Stevie

Moore, LAKE, 8 pm, $10

a EL CORAZON Farewell

My Love, Late Nite Reading, guests, 7:30 pm, $10/$12

H ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Ecstatic Cosmic Union, Panabrite, Mood Organ, $5

H a FREMONT ABBEY

Resonate II: Guests, 7:30 pm

HIGH DIVE Spring the Trap, the Underwater Tiger, Ninja Turtle Ninja Tiger, $6

HIGHLINE Crazy Eyes, So Pitted, Health Problems

HIGHWAY 99 Hot Rod Holman Blues Band, $7

H a JAZZ ALLEY Tower of Power, 9:30 pm, $45

NECTAR J. Battle, DJ Mack Long, DJ Swervewon, 8 pm, $5

H NEPTUNE THEATER The Residents, 8 pm, $25.50

H NEUMOS Ott & the

All-Seeing I, Kilowatts, 8 pm, $15

SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Feed Me, Teeth, Mord Fustang, guests

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB Verdant Mile, 8 pm

a STUDIO SEVEN Buck Up Little Kamper, Letzter Geist, guests, 7 pm, $8/$10

H SUNSET TAVERN The Soft Hills, Midnight Blooms, Karl Blau, $8

TRACTOR TAVERN Mike Cooley, 8 pm, $20

TRIPLE DOOR Ari Hest, 7:30 pm, $15

THE WHITE RABBIT Marmalade, $6

DJ

ARABICA LOUNGE The City

Hunter: DJ HoJo, Freedrull

BALTIC ROOM Hissy Fit: Guests, $2

CENTURY BALLROOM DJ Gustavo

THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

AJ Sorbello, Ramiro, Sean Imagina, Iris, $5-$10

H HAVANA DJ Sad Bastard,

DJ Nitty Gritty

LAST SUPPER CLUB Open

House: Guests

LO-FI Blank Banshee, Powwoww, White Ring, DJ Geniefactory, guests, $5

MOE BAR DJ Panamami

NEIGHBOURS Jet Set Thursdays: Guest DJs

NEIGHBOURS

UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3

PONY Billion Dollar Babies: DJ Aykut Ozen, Pretty Baby

Q NIGHTCLUB Almond Brown, Karl Kamakahi, free

H SEE SOUND LOUNGE Tony Goods, Jameson Just

TRINITY Cobra Crew, DJ Tre, Chinky Eye, Guy, MC McClarron, free

FRI 2/22

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON Neon

Nights, Bigfoot Accelerator, Caparza, Burn Burn Burn, guests, 6 pm, $10/$15

H a BLACK LODGE Pony Time, Ononos, Haunted Horses, Chastity Belt

BLUE MOON TAVERN Luxe Canyon, Screens, Afrocop

a CAFE ALLEGRO The Genghis Con Artist, Connor Hoffman, 7 pm, free

CAFE RACER Mind Vice

H a CAIRO Spencer Moody, Ben Von Wildenhaus, Corey J. Brewer, 8 pm, $5

CENTRAL SALOON Jori, the Push

H COLUMBIA CITY THEATER & Yet, J. Wong, Tomo Nakayama, Lydia Ramsey, 8:30 pm, $8 COMET Fen Wik Ren, Santee, Week of Wonders, 8 pm

CONOR BYRNE Weatherside Whiskey Band, Country Lips, the Lonesome Billies, $8

a CROCODILE Kishi Bashi, Shugo Tokumaru, 8 pm, $12

DARRELL’S TAVERN Thee Of, the Randy Hicks Band, Howlin’ Hounddog, $5

a EL CORAZON Orison, Rain Light Fade, Tempul, Falling Blind, IANA, 8 pm, $10/$12

HARD ROCK CAFE Champagne Sunday Raymond Hayden, Tin Man, $8/$10

H a HEARTLAND Amenta Abioto, Briana Marela, OCNotes, 9 pm

HIGH DIVE Red Jacket Mine, Tripwires, Hearts Are Thugs, 9:30 pm, $8 HIGHWAY 99 Lee Oskar & Friends

H a JAZZ ALLEY Tower of Power, 9:30 pm, $45

H THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Gladiators Eat Fire, Dogs of War, Beringia, Into the Storm, $5

THE MIX 25 Cent Ride, Alina Ashley Nicole, the David Guilbault Band NECTAR Dead Winter Carpenters, BLVD Park guests, $7

NEUMOS Out on the Streets, the West, $8

RENDEZVOUS The Secret Songwriter Society, 10 pm a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano Royale, 5:30 pm

SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET Galactic, Latyrx

H SHOWBOX SODO STS9

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB Excuse You, Say Banzai, 8 pm, $5

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE Twangshifters, Roy Kay Trio

STUDIO SEVEN Frank Hannon, Black Diamond, Custom, Stonebender, guests, 7 pm, $11/$13

SUNSET TAVERN The Swearengens, Ole Tinder, Andrea Peterman, Joy Mills, 9:30 pm, $8/$10

TOWN HALL Lake Union Civic Orchestra, 7:30 pm,

$13/$18

H TRACTOR TAVERN

Camper Van Beethoven, Casey Neill & the Norway Rats, 9:30 pm, $15

TRIPLE DOOR Zach Fleury, Hannalee, Daniel Blue, 8 pm, $12/$15

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Bump

Fridays: Guest DJs

BARBOZA Just Got Paid:

100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm a CENTURY BALLROOM

DJ Cebrina

CUFF TGIF: Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5

THE EAGLE DJ Kingofpants

ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Pisces II: Tons of Fucking Sequins, Karl Kamakahi, Kadeejah Streets, guests

FOUNDATION Dirtyloud, Josh Quest, Wheelz, guests FUEL DJ Headache, guests

HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

LAST SUPPER CLUB Madness: Guests

LO-FI Midnight Hotline Redezvous: Guests, $5 before 11 pm/$7 after NEIGHBOURS DJ Richard Dalton, DJ Skiddle

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente

Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren

Q NIGHTCLUB Honey Dijon, Recess, guests, 10 pm, $10

RE-BAR Rob Noble, Michael Manahan, guests, 10 pm

SCARLET TREE Oh So Fresh

Fridays: Deejay Tone, DJ

Buttnaked, guests

TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, Jerry Wang, Mikey McClarron, Kippy, $10

SAT

2/23

LIVE

2 BIT SALOON The Assasinators, Spiderface, Badlands, Bad Tats, guests, 3 pm, $10/$15

BARBOZA Jasper T & John Crown, Theoretics, Neighbors, 7 pm, $10

H a BLACK LODGE

FRIDAY 2/22

THE RUDINOFF RISES, GRUNGE-ISHLY

This is a very special edition of the Homosexual Agenda, as we will be departing completely from our usual policy to never, ever pay any attention to R Place whatsoever, and instead utterly and bravely pay a whole bunch of flippin’ attention to R Place. But first! We are going to discuss something that I pay lots of attention to every chance I get, because FABULOUS: Sarah Rudinoff and every glorious little thing she ever does. (Now, I know you love her, too, and if I have to fight you, I will.) What you need to know is that she and a handsome pocketful of deeply talented compatriots have developed a new show that is going to blow everybody’s pubes out with pure amazeballsness:

These Streets. Now, you will want to ask your grandparents about a little thing that happened in the Ancient Way-Before Times called “grunge.” Grunge was a new and very special kind of music that involved Seattle, garages, and a lot of no shampoo. (History!) The women of the era are the focus of this fictional story, which has been created with explosive

Riot

Broken Water, Dream Decay, Monogamy Party, guests

BLUE MOON TAVERN Paper Machete, the Brambles, Fat Yap Harwood

CAFE RACER Mythologies, Generifus

H a CAIRO The Narx, Feel Young, So Pitted, Pleasure Beauties, 8 pm

CENTRAL SALOON The Bare Roots

a CHAPEL PERFORMANCE

SPACE Eyvind Kang, Jessika Kenney, Philip Greenlief

COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Bodybox, True Holland, In Cahoots, $8/$10

COMET Jarv Dee, Illfightyou, Gift Uh Gab, $5

CONOR BYRNE Warren G. Hardings, Renegade Stringband, guests, $8

COPPER GATE Skip Heller, Marc Laurick

a CROCODILE The Neighbourhood, guests, 8 pm

DARRELL’S TAVERN Michael Stegner, Fascination Nation, guests, $6

EL CORAZON The Whammy, Dead Man, Hot Roddin’ Romeos, guests, 9 pm, $15

H a EMP Sound Off!: As it

Starts, I for Eye, the Rockets, Vervex, 7 pm, $8/$12

HARD ROCK CAFE The Naked Feel Goods, Saint John and the Revelations, Royal Wolfe, guests, $8/$12

H a HEARTLAND Secret Colors, Hive Dwellers, Slashed Tires, Richie Dagger’s Crime, 8 pm

HIGH DIVE Guilty Pleasures

2013: Robert Roth, Robb Benson, Kim Virant, Strong Suits, guests, $8

H HIGHLINE Grave Babies, Crypts, Vice Device, YourYoungBody

HIGHWAY 99 Karen Lovely

Band

H a JAZZ ALLEY Tower of Power, 9:30 pm, $45 a JOSEPHINE Golden Gardens, Kelli Frances Corrado, the Harvey Girls, Lou Lou Hernandez THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE HellGod, Muscle Tower, Honey Badger, Diet

H LO-FI 18 Individual Eyes, Gibraltar, Ever-So-Android, $7

THE MIX Excuse You, Jabi Shriki and the Ever Afters, the Chris Klimecky Band

NECTAR Sadstik, DJ Abilities, Maulskull, guests, 8 pm, $6

NEUMOS Polyrhythmics, True Spokes, the Horde & the Harem, 8 pm, $12

H RENDEZVOUS Monogamy Party, Strong Killings, Mass Games, 10 pm

SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET

Ivan & Alyosha, Kris Orlowski, Smokey Brights a SHOWBOX SODO Pennywise, Lagwagon, 7 pm, $19.99/$25

SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB The Lushtones, Sevens Revenge, Amadon, 7 pm, $7

SLIM’S LAST CHANCE

Demolition Kings, Jaguar Paw, Sound Bureau Chiefs a SONIC BOOM RECORDS (BALLARD) The Not-It’s!, 1 pm, free

SUNSET TAVERN Davidson

Hart Kingsbury, the Crying Shame, the Ganges River band, 9:30 pm, $10

TIM’S TAVERN Evolution Trio, $3

TRACTOR TAVERN Toubab Krewe, guests, 9:30 pm, $12/$15

DJ

BALTIC ROOM Good

Saturdays: Guest DJs

H BARBOZA Inferno: The Flavr Blue, DJ Swervewon, DJ WD4D, $5 after 11:30 pm

CENTURY BALLROOM Sweet 16: DJ Cebrina, DJ Yambu, DJ Gustavo, DJ

Victor, Howard, guests, $8

H CHOP SUEY Talcum:

Gene Balk, Mike “Laffy Taffy” Nipper, Marc Muller, Mike Chrietzberg, 9 pm, $5

CUFF Bliss: DJ Harmonix

THE EAGLE Rage: Nick Bertossi, $5 before 11 pm/$7 after

H ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN

Shameless

FOUNDATION Progression:

talent, nerve, and “over 40 interviews with the people who lived it.” Live music! Live original theater! LIVE SARAH FUCKING RUDINOFF! ACT Theater, 8 pm, $30, all ages.

SATURDAY 2/23

DONATELLA FOREVER, ZIMA NO MORE

So anyhoo… R Place. It’s the first Seattle gay bar I ever stepped my gay little toe into. It’s true! I can remember it like it was only 500 years ago: a shiny new disco pick in my giant Jewfro, my handlebar mustache billowing in the gentle breeze of the air conditioner, enjoying a refreshing room-temperature Zima while watching all of the boys in baseball caps pretend they hadn’t gotten totally shitfaced and blown one another a hundred times already. It was a much pooltable-ier place then, and the dartboards roamed proud and free. (More history!) It certainly wasn’t the type of place where one might stumble upon a drag cabaret But the world has turned, the pool tables have gone to heaven, and we are living in the Age of the Queen—a full-blown stampeding drag queen renaissance, in all its bewigged, bacchanalian splendor! So tonight we revisit darling old R Place to enjoy one of the top-notchest drag shows living: Lashes! It happens most every Friday and Saturday and features the truly delightful talents of former Miss Gay Seattle DonaTella Howe, Adrienne Alexander (Portland), Trust James, Lady Chablis, and, of course, more. R Place, 9:30 pm, free, 21+.

BY ADRIAN RYAN

SARAH RUDINOFF

Thursday, Feb 21st - Saturday, Feb 23rd

EDDIE IFFT

Eddie has headlined all over the world. His travels were chronicled for an upcoming feature length, documentary film, entitled “America the Punchline.”  He has also appeared on a huge variety of TV shows including hosting Shark Week and a season as the ABC College Football Guy.   Eddie has performed with Dave Chapelle, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Robin Williams.

Gabriel & Dresden, Chronus, Elive, Patrick Walen

DJs:

HAVANA Rotating

DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5

MOE BAR DJ N8, Anthony Diamond, free

NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager

NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club

Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal Darkness

PONY Stiffed: DJ Pavone

RE-BAR Cherry: Amateur Youth, Mathematix, 10 pm, $5/$7 after 11 pm

SEE SOUND LOUNGE

Switch: Guest DJs

TRINITY Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15 after 10 pm

SUN 2/24

LIVE BARBOZA Fol Chen, Royal Canoe, 8 pm, $10

BLUE MOON TAVERN Mason Reed, Jake Nannery, Matthew O’Toole, 6:30 pm, $7

H CAFE RACER The Racer Sessions

COMET Automotive Steamhorse, Tenderfoot, Golden Space, Jesse Hughey, 8 pm a CROCODILE A Silent Film, Gold Fields, Royal Teeth, 8 pm a EL CORAZON From the Waters of Chaos, Uncle Pooch, SIN, guests, 7:30

BY BRITTNIE

FRIDAY 2/22

PONY TIME, ONONOS, HAUNTED HORSES, CHASTITY BELT

This stacked lineup is a great way to weird up your week. Ononos (vocalist Nono Ono, keyboardist Why, and drummer Yes) are a Seattle electro-punk trio who may also communicate telepathically with one another through a shared eye Nono Ono wears on his face. Their deranged two-tone glam sets the stage for their frantic synth-pop pulses, which twitch and throb like overwrought electricity. This paranormally fabulous stage act makes for an outcast dance party to end all. Tonight is also the record release for garage duo Pony Time’s Go Find Your Own, out February 19 via Per Se Records. I first experienced Luke Beetham’s sassy, sneering vocals and Stacy Peck’s rock-hard drum beats in the basement of the Funny Button (RIP) in late 2010, and have been addicted to their noise-pop hip-shakers ever since. The new album’s 12 tracks are almost certain to make you move, and their fuzzed-out charms leave Pony Time poised for imminent takeover. With noisemakers/dead-raisers Haunted Horses and ladies of rock Chastity Belt Black Lodge, 9 pm.

SATURDAY 2/23

BROKEN WATER, DREAM DECAY, MEGA BOG, NEGATIVE PRESS, MONOGAMY PARTY

Seattle rockers Dream Decay’s five-track release Fern (Nuestra Lengua Records) is 19 minutes of hypnotic and slow-burning noise rock, its ringing guitar tones and drawn-out, gaze-y interludes rekindling certain Northwest post-hardcore bands (see: Unwound). The music is unfuckwithably heavy, but its diabolical repetition unfurls at a non-alarmingly drone-y rate. Though Dream Decay have toured with Seattle hardcore band Iron Lung, they have gone underappreciated in the local music community. Time to embrace this deserving band, Seattle. Olympia’s Broken Water should remind Northwesterners why grunge will never fade away (or burn out), and why we’re all not-so-secretly glad it won’t. Their latest release, 2012’s Tempest LP (Hardly Art), is perhaps their most brooding bit of grungegaze yet, a descent into sometimes pop-leaning, sometimes droning noise inspired by things like the ocean, drowning, and Russian punkrock poets. Broken Water embark on a full US tour in April. With Negative Press, a Tacoma band whose demo contains five promising tracks of straightforward punk, and North Seattle post-punks Mega Bog Black Lodge, 8 pm.

pm, $8/$10

a HEARTLAND Chung Antique, Chemical Clock, SSRIS, 8 pm

HIGH

DIVE The Debaucherauntes, Brandon Hagen, guests, 8 pm, $7

H a JAZZ ALLEY Tower of Power, 9:30 pm, $45 LO-FI Firedrill, Daniela Salvia, Diogenes, DJ Electro Cute, $5

NECTAR Joyfield, States and Minds, Amsterdam, the Rallies, $5

H a NEPTUNE THEATER

The Wailers, 8 pm, $22.50/$25

H NEUMOS Israel Vibration & the Root Radics, guests, 8 pm, $20

SUNSET TAVERN Pharaohs of the Sun, Metameric, Key Of Solomon $6 TRACTOR TAVERN The

BY DAVE SEGAL

WEDNESDAY 2/20

DJ SPRINKLES ENGENDERS DANCEFLOOR (E)MOTION

The bad news: DJ Sprinkles (aka producer/DJ/gender theorist Terre Thaemlitz) is playing the same night as fellow queer geniuses Matmos. The good news: Sprinkles’ set will likely still be going after Matmos’s last quirky chord fades out. Thaemlitz is one of the few musicians who could write an essay about every track she spins or creates that would be just as entertaining as the music. After releasing a series of intriguing ambient and downtempo records for various labels (including her own Comatonse) in the ’90s, Thaemlitz began to focus on house and techno under the name DJ Sprinkles in the ’00s. Sprinkles’ 2009 album Midtown 120 Blues is a brilliant entry point into her deconstruction of house-music tropes and ethos. While her recordings are freighted with meta commentary on gender identity and critiques of social/cultural modes and codes, Sprinkles’ epic DJ sets smack the pleasure principle firmly on the buttocks. So many layers of deepness to revel in… With Tyler Morrison and Made Like a Tree Q Nightclub, 6 pm, free before 9 pm/$5 till 10 pm/$10 after, 21+.

FRIDAY

2/22

STS9 JAM YOU LONG TIME

STS9—the Atlanta-based quintet that used to traffic under the name Sound Tribe Sector 9—have built an enviable following in the green, green jam-band realm. You could almost say that they’re the Phish of the electronic-music underground, but why would you want to scare away potential fans? Whatever the case, STS9 are the quintessential outdoorfestival electro-space-funk ensemble with stamina and chops to burn—and burn they do, when they’re not chilling out with atmospheric interludes as cushiony as the cumuli in the Orb’s “Little Fluffy Clouds.” If you get bored or the drugs wear off, you can always ogle the tattoos on your fellow Tribefolk. With Russ Liquid Showbox Sodo, 7:30 pm, $25.50 adv/$30 DOS, all ages.

WATCH HONEY DIJON FASHION AN IMPECCABLE HOUSE SET

Q’s ambitious House Masters Series brings in Honey Dijon, a New York via Chicago DJ who spins house, techno, and disco. Oh, and she’s a transgender fashion maven, too. Motivated by Windy City house legends like Ron Hardy, Frankie Knuckles, and Derrick Carter, Honey moved to New York in the mid ’90s and began DJing at the urging of house-music mainstay Danny Tenaglia. She eventually secured a residency at Chelsea’s Hiro Ballroom and reportedly was playing to capacity crowds every Sunday night before it recently shuttered. A trawl through her Soundcloud page reveals a selector with impeccable taste in late-night, subtly sensual movers that sometimes tilt into psychedelic darkness. With DJ Little Rock Q Nightclub, 8 pm, $10, 21+.

whaMMY! Rockabilly Super-Group comprised of Slim Jim Phantom (Stray Cats), Tim Polecat (The Polecats) and Jonny Bowler (Guana Batz) STARS OF BOMBAy, DEAD MAN, hOT RODDIN’ ROMEOS

FULLER

The Can Can shows are a world more sophisticated, smart and intelligent than anything available in London - Stephen Fry, BBC

WEDNESDAY 2/20 THE DEER TRACKS FEY MOTH 8PM • $8

FILM

Film Review Revue

John Dies at the End dir. John Coscarelli Wide release

David (Chase Williamson), a guy in his 20s, is relating extraordinary events to a journalist (Paul Giamatti) in the booth of a Chinese restaurant. David has had experiences with a potent, venomous street drug called “Soy Sauce,” which temporarily gives the user the ability to perceive the unperceivable—“like if you hooked your brain up to one of those interplanetary SETI antennas”—but also causes insanity and death. The movie is primarily composed of David’s flashbacks while in the restaurant, and the whole thing reads a bit like a gory, cartoonish Philip K. Dick parody made by 19-year-old boys who found out about free online Adobe After Effects tutorials moments after skimming the Wikipedia article for “Drugs.”

A horror-comedy that’s neither scary nor particularly funny is uniquely challenging to enjoy, because after a certain point of

asking yourself, “Is that supposed to look green-screened? Is that guy’s accent supposed to sound so stupid? Am I laughing at this because it’s bad or because it’s trying to be bad?” you might realize that you were never, in fact, laughing in the first place. At any rate, David and his pal John (Rob Mayes) get mixed up with the Sauce after some Jamaican guy gives it to them at a concert, and soon they’re seeing monsters, blowing up cars, and generally starting to unravel. Eventually, a paranoid plot coalesces around the drug being the byproduct of an evil force invading from another dimension, and at some point around here, the film shifts from being tolerably disjointed to just being formulaic and caught up in its own plot. John and David have to go through a portal, à la Bill and Ted, where they’re met with 10 minutes of expositional backstory about why there are two universes,

followed by some more paranormal antics, and on and on. I’m pretty sure that all of this is supposed to be funny. I have a feeling the book is better.

KRISHANU RAY

Bless Me, Ultima dir. Carl Franklin Regal Meridian 16

Is she a good witch or a bad witch? That is the question swirling around the title character in Bless Me, Ultima, based on the 1972 novel by Rudolfo Anaya. Set in a Chicano farm community in 1940s New Mexico, Bless Me, Ultima is packed with stock themes from the Latino/Chicano literature that was all the rage in the 1970s and ’80s: a little magic, family blood feuds, coming-of-age paroxysms, characters who are more symbols than personalities, and the three-way moral tension between the Catholic Church, the town sinners (in this case, drinkers and a rural brothel), and the folk healing/witchiness that rotates on its own axis of good and evil. Ultima (Miriam Colon) is an old curandera who has come to spend the last days of her life at the dusty, humble Márez y Luna homestead. Most people hold her at a distance out of fear and respect, but little Antonio Márez y Luna (Luke Ganalon) becomes her pupil, ward, and friend. She teaches him how to harvest powerful herbs, “listen to the land,” and other classic folk-healer stuff, while little Antonio drinks it all in with wide, brown, innocent eyes. Director Carl Franklin’s cameras seem just as wide-eyed and innocent, with lingering shots of the landscape, portentous expressions illuminated by candlelight, and so on.

In the process of healing a cursed man, Ultima winds up waging spiritual warfare against three witchy sisters, which divides the community. The sisters’ (wealthy, powerful) father raises a pitchfork-and-torches mob to go get “la bruja.” The blood feud wraps its tentacles around the whole town, especially the virtuous drunkard Narciso (Joaquín Cosio), who loves his booze but is also braver and more clearheaded in a crisis than most of his fellow villagers. In a film full of routine performances, Cosio brings a wild-eyed exuberance to Narciso, giving all of his scenes an extra lift. Bless Me, Ultima is a young-adult adaptation of a young-adult novel, with familiar

themes and medium-grade (and occasionally lethargic) filmmaking. It has no fatal flaws, but it probably won’t go down in the canon with To Kill a Mockingbird, either. BRENDAN KILEY

Mumia: Long Distance Revolutionary dir. Stephen Vittoria Grand Illusion

Mumia Abu-Jamal was a journalist for the Black Panther newspaper, an NPR correspondent, and the voice by which you’d most likely prefer to be read to sleep. But the activist, journalist, and father of three was convicted in 1982 of killing a police officer in Philadelphia and has spent 30 years on death row.

This documentary is not an examination of the circumstances of Abu-Jamal’s conviction—if you’re looking for the juicy details, or a hot back-and-forth between factions for and against, you’ll have to find another movie. This film implies that Abu-Jamal’s innocence or guilt should be viewed in the context of racial politics, but more importantly, that his culpability is a moot point.

It’s a compelling case to look at justice and the practice of journalism in America with a little skepticism. Abu-Jamal’s story has been spun wildly. Philly hates Abu-Jamal. France loves Abu-Jamal. He’s a cop killer or a revolutionary. The state would keep him silent, as if death row weren’t enough of a gag. And yet, working with whatever constitutional protections still apply to a convicted murderer, Abu-Jamal churns out criticism on a weekly basis, is published more widely than most working journalists, and has written several books (by hand).

Film and audio of Abu-Jamal is electrifying, but in between are weird cartoons and live-action dramatizations of his writings. This is no primer on black power, the history of journalistic practice, or the prisonindustrial complex. Viewers who read up a little beforehand on the case will have a better chance of navigating all the context the filmmakers take for granted. They’ll also have more time to confront the idea that Abu-Jamal’s indictment and stacked trial are themselves endorsement of his writings, and to question whether his unflinchingly honest journalism is somehow compromised if he is guilty.

JOCELYN MACDONALD

n

JOHN DIES AT THE END Spoiler alert!

FILM SHORTS

More reviews and movie times: thestranger.com/film

Limited Run

3 Days of Poetry: Poetry anD film Eclectic poetry-themed film programs, including classic American poetry TV shows and 16 mm presentations of Stan Brakhage shorts. Gallery 1412, Fri-Sun. For complete schedule, see wavepoetry.com.

H american. film. Week.

This is a series of American indie films that deserved more attention than they received in 2012−a bold effort to prevent these films, seven in all, from slipping through the cracks. We now live in an age where greatness offers a work almost no protection from oblivion. Indie filmmaking is important and must be supported. Check out nwfilmforum.org for complete listings. (CHARLES MUDEDE) Northwest Film Forum, Fri-Tues 8 pm

HaPPy PeoPle: a year in tHe taiga

In this documentary, the great German director Werner Herzog takes us to a village in the subarctic Siberian taiga. The village has 300 souls who are sustained by hunting. The hunters are stoic and resourceful, and spend a good amount of time alone in the woods trapping animals, netting fish, and shooting birds. These men show emotional warmth not when speaking about their families, but about their dogs. Life for them is a search for the right dog, the dog that will obey commands, assist in a hunt, and be ready to sacrifice its life for its master. (CHARLES MUDEDE) Varsity, Fri-Tues. For showtimes, see landmarktheatres.com.

JoHn Dies at tHe enD

See review, page 47. Varsity, Fri-Tues. For showtimes, see landmarktheatres.com.

H mafioso

All but forgotten in this country after its 1962 release, Alberto Lattuada’s film (now receiving a well-deserved theatrical revival) feels fresh as a daisy. (ANDREW WRIGHT) Seattle Art Museum, Thurs Feb 21 at 7:30 pm.

mumia: long Distance revolutionary See review, page 47. Grand Illusion, Fri 6:45, 9 pm, Sat-Sun 4:30, 6:45, 9 pm, Mon-Tues 6:45, 9 pm.

nOtHinG But A mAn At the opening of the album Town Hall Concert: Music Played on European Tour ’64, jazz bassist Charles Mingus makes this statement: “The next composition was written when Eric Dolphy explained to me that [in the South] there was something similar to the concentration camps once in Germany… and the only difference between the electric barbed wire is that they don’t have gas chambers and hot stoves to cook us in yet. And so I wrote a piece called ‘Meditations,’ as to how to get some wire cutters before someone gets some guns to us.” The year Mingus said this to a European audience, 1964, Nothing but a Man—a movie that’s set in the South and concerns a young black man dealing with racial oppression on several levels (directly, indirectly, and historically)—was released. The strange thing about this film is that the anger it expresses, which is not hysterical or explosive, feels very real. The reason this is strange is because the story was written and directed by a white man, Michael Roemer. Now, it’s not hard to imagine a white director understanding the black American situation from a legal or political point of view, but Roemer was able to get down to the kinds of feelings that can only be derived from experience. How was this possible? Was it the actors? Ivan Dixon (famous for playing the black guy in Hogan’s Heroes), Abbey Lincoln (the great jazz singer), and Yaphet Kotto (the Alien star was actually handsome when he was young) all do a great job, but it is clear that they are being directed, that they are not playing themselves but characters imagined by Roemer. Maybe it was an accident of history? Everything just happened to come together? No, the answer is this: The director was a Jew born in Germany in the years leading to the rise of Hitler. Before he

H Noir City 2013

Eddie Muller’s weeklong cavalcade of great deep-genre noir double features screened on 35 mm returns to SIFF Cinema. See siff.net for complete listings. (DAVID SCHMADER) SIFF Cinema Uptown, Fri-Tues. For complete schedule and showtimes, see siff.net.

H NothiNg but a MaN

See Art House, page 48. A 1964 film about how a good woman tames a rowdy man. Northwest Film Forum, Fri-Sun 7, 9 pm, Mon 7 pm, Tues 7, 9 pm.

the PeoPle SPeak

A documentary inspired by Howard Zinn’s A People’s History of the United States Keystone Church, Fri Feb 22 at 7 pm.

H roMeo + Juliet

Baz Luhrmann’s techno-drenched take on Shakespeare’s standard. King’s Hardware, Mon Feb 25 at dusk.

H South aSiaN DoCuMeNtary FilM FeStival

Six contemporary feature documentaries from India and Pakistan. SIFF Film Center, Sat-Sun. For complete schedule and showtimes, see siff.net.

H the SProCket SoCiety’S SeCret

SaturDay MatiNee

A family-friendly series featuring classic movie serial episodes plus secret classic feature films. The serial: 1939’s stunt-packed cliffhanger Zorro’s Fighting Legion

The secret feature film: secret, but this month’s theme is exotic lands. Grand Illusion, Sat Feb 23 at 2 pm.

H true roMaNCe

Tony Scott’s 1993 romantic crime thriller, starring a Quentin Tarantino script and everyone you’ve ever heard of. Central Cinema, Fri-Sat, Mon-Tues 9:30 pm.

tv DiNNer: 85th aNNual aCaDeMy awarDS Show

Watch all 84-plus hours of the Oscars at a place where you can eat and drink to help make the whole ordeal less miserable and boring. Central Cinema, Sun Feb 24 at 5 pm.

Now PlayiNg

aMour

Michael Haneke paints the portrait of a well-off, cultured elderly couple in Paris who have to contend with the increasing incapacitation of Anne (Emmanuelle Riva). Haneke unflinchingly portrays the mundane, depressing details of caring for a slowly dying spouse. His devotion to

THE oTHER oSCaRS

Wanna know the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards? I’ll TELL you the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards—they are too limited. The only awards they hand out are for movies! I mean, movies are ohhhh-kay, I guess—but they certainly can’t compete with the artistry and interest level of Breaking Bad, Justified, Girls, The Americans, Louie, or Downton Abbey. AND they’re an idiotic way to spend $10 ($12 if it’s in 3-D, and $37 if you want popcorn and a drink). That’s why the Academy Awards (ABC, Sun Feb 24, 5:30 pm) need to broaden their goddamn horizons and include awesome things that AREN’T movies. For example!

• Speedboat Jumping! Which would you rather do: Watch a three-hour-long movie about LINCOLN (snore!) that’s so boring that the poop in your ass will actually move into someone else’s ass (just to change things up a little) OR 20 minutes of freaking awesome speedboats doing 90-mile-per-hour jumps over pontoon boats filled with topless cheerleaders shooting off penis-shaped roman candles? AND THE OSCAR GOES TO… Speedboat Jumping!

• Monkeys Murdering Osama bin Laden! Again, it’s all about how you’d rather spend your time. Is it watching an overwritten, gruelingly tedious movie about a government bureaucrat’s efforts to kill Bin Laden? Or is it a 10-minute parody (that hasn’t been made, but should be!) starring monkeys dressed in military uniforms reenacting the Bin Laden assassination? (PRO TIP for anyone making this movie: Monkeys look like they’re talking if you feed them

honesty yields a result that is technically impressive, beautifully acted, and deeply boring. (MARJORIE SKINNER)

beautiFul CreatureS

Beautiful Creatures is passably entertaining, but like many movies geared toward teen girls, it smacks of sexism and reinforces the troubling myth that true love strikes before the SATs. It tells the story of Lena Duchannes, a beautiful orphan about to turn 16. But unlike most teenagers, she’s a supernatural caster—a witch. This basically means that on her birthday, her “true nature” will decide whether she is good, evil, or worse than evil: a man-eating succubus. The good moments are not enough to save the movie, or even worth stomaching another plot that revolves around teenage codependency and the inherent evilness of women. (CIENNA MADRID)

iDeNtity thieF

A schlubby guy named Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) has his identity stolen by a woman named Diana (Melissa McCarthy), and he heads out to bring her to justice. While Identity Thief isn’t a very good movie, it’s got a couple of moments where you’d have to be dead not to burst out with a little surprised laughter, and it does have one glorious thing going for it, and that is McCarthy. Her Diana is a manic clown, but McCarthy fills her giant eyes with a desperate neediness that makes all the humor she finds in her character feel a little bit dangerous. (PAUL CONSTANT)

H SiDe eFFeCtS

At first, Side Effects presents itself as a straightforward drama in which a young woman (Rooney Mara) awaits the release of her insider-trading husband (Channing Tatum) from prison. During his time away, she’s attempted to correct her ever-worsening depression with a variety of medications, each carrying its own bundle of side effects, from sexual dysfunction to sleepwalking. A psychiatrist (Jude Law) with deep ties to the pharmaceutical industry becomes involved. It’s impossible to discuss further specifics without spoiling the movie, but it all adds up to a twisty, chilling, sometimes goofy (in a good way) Hollywood thrill ride. (DAVID SCHMADER)

H Silver liNiNgS Playbook

Silver Linings Playbook is a brilliant schmaltzy movie. Bradley Cooper stars as a man with bipolar disorder who moves back in with his parents and tries to woo his exwife with the help of a young widow (Jennifer Lawrence, being incredible and making it look easy). Sure, it’s an emotionally manipulative romantic comedy. But the quality of the performances, the script, and David O. Russell’s direction make it an authentic emotionally manipulative romantic comedy. (PAUL CONSTANT)

peanut butter!) AND THE OSCAR GOES TO… Wm.™ Steven Humphrey for coming up with the greatest movie idea of the century!

• An Especially Delicious Sandwich! What am I thinking?!? How can this even be a competition? How can a stupid movie—such as Les Misérables—hope to compete with a delicious Philly cheesesteak sandwich, or an equally delicious Reuben piled high with God’s favorite meat, corned beef? How can an emaciated, caterwauling Anne Hathaway (whose haircut looks like she fell asleep under a lawnmower) hope to compare with a shrimp po’boy that might not sing, but does squirt a heaping dollop of “awesome” into your mouth with every bite? ANSWER MY GODDAMN QUESTION!!! HOW????? AND THE OSCAR GOES TO… Anne Hathaway—but only if she quits acting and eats a sandwich.

• A TV Show Featuring Robots Beating the Crap Out of Each Other! Unlike the monkeys who murder Bin Laden movie, or the nonexistent shrimp po’boy that should currently be inside my mouth, THIS TV SHOW IS REAL. Called Robot Combat League (Syfy, debuting Tues Feb 26, 10 pm), these are not your grandfather’s Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots—these are actual eight-foot-tall, state-of-the-art metal clanking death machines that are controlled by humans and sent into the ring to battle (and hopefully decapitate) their robotic opponents. Hosted by the WWE’s Chris Jericho (!!), Robot Combat League makes any modern film not featuring giant fistfighting robots—I’m looking at you, Life of Pi!—look like just another goddamn waste of $37 ($93 if you take a date). AND THE OSCAR GOES TO… an eight-foot-tall robotic monkey murdering Osama bin Laden with a jumping speedboat! (Have a sandwich, robot monkey. You deserve it!) n

Chance Favors

On summer days in New York, when so many folks are dining at outside tables, my wife and I play a game. She will take a seat and dine alone. She’s a beautiful, stylish woman, so people look at her. Usually, she ignores such attention, but when we are playing our game, she smiles at everybody. She encourages their interest.

Then I walk past, pretending to be busily on my way to somewhere. My wife will pretend to be surprised to see me. She’ll call out my name, and I will turn, see her, call out her name, and rush to her.

have accidentally run into each other in Manhattan. What a coincidence! What a surreal bit of faith! What a miracle!

We pretend to be ex-lovers who haven’t had any contact for 20 years. She is recently divorced from the man who stole her from me. I’ve never married because nobody could compete with her ghost. And now, after two decades of separation—she in Australia, me in Los Angeles—we

Free Will Astrology

by Rob bRezsny

For the Week of Feb 20

ARIES (March 21–April 19): In the course of her world travels, writer Jane Brunette has seen many wonderful things—as well as a lot of trash. The most beautiful litter, she says, is in Bali. She loves the “woven palm leaf offerings, colorful cloth left from a ceremony, and flowers that dry into exquisite wrinkles of color.” Even the shiny candy wrappers strewn by the side of the road are fun to behold. Your assignment, Aries, is to adopt a perceptual filter akin to Brunette’s. Is there any stuff other people regard as worthless or outworn that you might find useful, interesting, or even charming? I’m speaking metaphorically as well as literally.

TAURUS (April 20–May 20): The Old Testament tells the story of a man named Methuselah, who supposedly didn’t die until he was 969 years old. Some Kabbalistic commentators suggest that he didn’t literally walk the earth for almost 10 centuries. Rather, he was extra skilled at the arts of living. His experiences were profoundly rich. He packed 969 years’ worth of meaningful adventures into a normal life span. I prefer that interpretation, and I’d like to invoke it as I assess your future. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Taurus, you will have Methuselah’s talent in the coming weeks.

GEMINI (May 21–June 20): In the coming weeks, I’m expecting your life to verge on being epic and majestic. There’s a better than even chance that you will do something heroic. You might finally activate a sleeping potential or tune in to your future power spot or learn what you’ve never been able to grasp before. And if you capitalize gracefully on the kaleidoscopic kismet that’s flowing your way, I bet you will make a discovery that will fuel you for the rest of your long life. In mythical terms, you will create a new Grail or tame a troublesome dragon—or both.

CANCER (June 21–July 22): Jackalopes resemble jackrabbits, except that they have antlers like deer and tails like pheasants. They love whiskey, have sex only during storms, and can mimic most sounds, even the human voice. The milk of the female has curative properties. Strictly speaking, however, the jackalope doesn’t actually exist. It’s a legendary beast, like the mermaid and unicorn. And yet Wyoming lawmakers have decided to honor it. Early this year, they began the process of making it the state’s official mythical creature. I bring this to your attention,

Weeping, laughing, we kiss each other in full view of the restaurant patrons. At first, it’s a polite display, but it soon grows torrid. We perform a fully standing dry-hump. And just when it seems we will get naked and make love on the sidewalk, we run away from the restaurant. Holding hands, we pretend this is the last scene of a Broadway musical. We skip and twist and leap into the air.

Many in our audience suspect we are acting, but some completely believe in us. Those folks need this kind of love to happen. And so my wife and I pretend to love each other much more than we actually do.

Yes, this is how we save our marriage, by lying to the world and all the hungry people who inhabit it. n

Cancerian, because now would be an excellent time to select your own official mythical creature. The evocative presence of this fantastic fantasy would inspire your imagination to work more freely and playfully, which is just what you need. What’ll it be? Dragon? Sphinx? Phoenix? Here’s a list: tinyurl.com/MythicCritters

LEO (July 23–Aug 22): The temptation to hide what you’re feeling could be strong right now. You may wonder if you should protect yourself and others from the unruly truth. But according to my analysis, you will be most brilliant and effective if you’re cheerfully honest. That’s the strategy most likely to provide genuine healing, too—even if its initial effects are unsettling. Please remember that it won’t be enough merely to communicate the easy secrets with polite courage. You will have to tap into the deepest sources you know and unveil the whole story with buoyantly bold elegance.

VIRGO (Aug 23–Sept 22): The word “chain” may refer to something that confines or restricts. But it can also mean a series of people who are linked together because of their common interests and their desire to create strength through unity. I believe that one of those two definitions will play an important role in your life during the coming weeks, Virgo. If you proceed with the intention to emphasize the second meaning, you will minimize and maybe even eliminate the first.

LIBRA (Sept 23–Oct 22): People in Sweden used to drive their cars on the left-hand side of the road. But a growing body of research revealed it would be better if everyone drove on the righthand side. So on September 3, 1967, the law changed. Everyone switched over. All nonessential traffic was halted for hours to accommodate the necessary adjustments. What were the results? Lots of motorists grumbled about having to alter their routine behavior, but the transition was smooth. In fact, the accident rate went down. I think you’d benefit from doing a comparable ritual sometime soon, Libra. Which of your traditions or habits could use a fundamental revision?

SCORPIO (Oct 23–Nov 21): When a woman is pregnant, her womb stretches dramatically, getting bigger to accommodate the growing fetus. I suspect you’ll undergo a metaphorically similar process in the coming weeks. A new creation will be gestating, and you’ll have to expand as it ripens. How? Here’s one way: You’ll have to get smarter and more sensitive in order to give it the care it needs. Here’s another way: You’ll have to increase your capacity for love. Don’t worry: You won’t have to do it all at once. “Little by little” is your watchword.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22–Dec 21): Do you floss your teeth while you’re meditating? Do you text-message and shave or put on

make-up as you drive? Do you simultaneously eat a meal, pay your bills, watch TV, and exercise? If so, you are probably trying to move too fast and do too much. Even in normal times, that’s no good. But in the coming week, it should be taboo. You need to slowwww wayyyy dowwwn, Sagittarius. You’ve got… to compel yourself… to do… one thing… at a time. I say this not just because your mental and physical and spiritual health depend on it. Certain crucial realizations about your future are on the verge of popping into your awareness—but they will pop only if you are immersed in a calm and unhurried state.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22–Jan 19): To make your part of the world a better place, stress-loving workaholics may need to collaborate with slow-moving underachievers. Serious business might be best negotiated in places like bowling alleys or parking lots. You should definitely consider seeking out curious synergies and unexpected alliances. It’s an odd grace period, Capricorn. Don’t assume you already know how to captivate the imaginations of people whose influence you want in your life. Be willing to think thoughts and feel feelings you have rarely if ever entertained.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20–Feb 18): Gawker came up with colorful ways to describe actress Zooey Deschanel. In a weird coincidence, their pithy phrases for her seem to fit the moods and experiences you will soon be having. I guess you could say you’re scheduled to have a ZooeyDeschanel-according-to-Gawker kind of week. Here are some of the themes: (1) Novelty ukulele tune. (2) Overemphatic stage wink. (3) Sentient glitter cloud. (4) Over-iced Funfetti cupcake. (5) Meltedbead craft project. (6) Living Pinterest board. (7) Animated Hipstamatic photograph. (8) Bambi’s rabbit friend. (9) Satchel of fairy dust. (10) Hipster labradoodle. PISCES (Feb 19–March 20): You may have heard the thundering exhortation “Know thyself!” Its origin is ancient. More than 2,400 years ago, it was inscribed at the front of the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, Greece. As important as it is to obey this command, there is an equally crucial corollary: “Be thyself!” Don’t you agree? Is there any experience more painful than not being who you really are? Could there be any behavior more damaging to your long-term happiness than trying to be someone other than who you really are? If there is even the slightest gap, Pisces, now is an excellent time to start closing it. Cosmic forces will be aligned in your favor if you push hard to further identify the nature of your authentic self, and then take aggressive steps to foster its full bloom.

Homework: Is it possible there’s something you really need but you don’t know what it is? Can you guess what it might be? freewillastrology.com

by wm. tm steven humphrey

Start Immediately! www.mailing-station.com (AAN CAN)

SEATTLE CLEANING SERVICE

Seattle Cleaning Service is looking for experienced housecleaning (and small commercial) contractors looking for more jobs to slowly fill their schedule. Must have car, cell phone, and pass a conviction background

EMPLOYMENT WANTED

OFFICE/COMMERCIAL

LARGE OFFICE/WORKSPACE NOW available at ActivSpace in Ballard nice top-floor unit, rents for only $500. Call Richard at 206-706 6606 or visit http:// www.activspace.com

RESTAURANT/HOTELS/CLUBS

Becki: blackbearcoffeehouse@gmail.com.

MCMENAMINS SIX ARMS, ROY STREET, and MILL CREEK are now hiring LINE COOKS and PUB STAFF! Qualified apps must have an open & flex sched including, days, eves, wknds and holidays. We are looking for applicants who have prev exp and enjoy working in a busy customer serviceoriented enviro. Please apply online 24/7 at www.mcmenamins.com or pick up a paper app at any McMenamins location. Mail to 430 N. Killingsworth, Portland OR, 97217 or fax: 503-2218749. Call 503-952-0598 for info on other ways to apply. Please no phone calls or emails to individ locs! E.O.E.

RESTAURANT OPEN CALL!

Cinebarre is HIRING all positions, must be 21+ to apply in person. 6009 244th Street Mountlake Terrace, WA 98043

VOLUNTEERS

DO YOU LIKE SODA POP? See our web post for details. Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center

DO YOU LOVE automobiles? Volunteer at Lemay Americas Car Museum! For information visit our web site: www.LemayMuseum.org or email Volunteer@LeMayMuseum.org.

VOLUNTEER YOUR TECHNOLOGY skills! Join 501 Commons’ Deep Dive program and help nonprofits develop their technology. Contact vista@501commons.org for more information.

CARS/TRUCKS

CASH FOR CARS: Any Car/ Truck. Running or Not! Top Dollar Paid. We Come To You! Call For Instant Offer: 1-888-420-3808 www.cash4car.com (AAN CAN)

Furnished Studio Condo available in First Hill. 1250/mo, includes Water, Electric, & Parking. 560 sqft, controlled access, W/D in unit. Located across the street from Seattle University. On busline; minutes to downtown, hospitals, International District. Call 206 719-4112.

GREENWOOD $825

Greenlake/Greenwood 1929 English Tudor Whole 2nd fl flat-type apt. 1BR w/LR or use as 2BR w/kit-family rm combo. $825 for 1 person. $95 for all utl incl cable & wifi. NS or NP. No background problems. 206-229-8853 11am-7pm.

QUEEN ANNE $1,000

Large 1 & 2BD’s. 1BD w/balcony, 2BD with views! Great location, DW, w/s/g included. $1000-$1600/mo. 1000 1st Ave. W. Call (206)286-9488

ART STUDIO/CREATIVE

I AM LOOKING for someone that would be interested in sub-leasing this room. Please call 425.444.5053 or email at robert@thevocaliststudio.com.

SMALL BUT BEAUTIFUL work/art space. Private/secure space with 24/7 access, large windows and high ceilings ideal for a writer. Call Richard at 206-706 6606 to view.

REAL ESTATE FOR SALE

VIEW LOT (24,000+SQ.FT)

COUNSELING

AFFORDABLE COUNSELING FOR individuals, families and relationships of all configurations. Sliding scale. The price of therapy shouldn’t drive you crazy. G/L/B/T/Q/I sex positive/ sex worker/kink friendly Cristien Storm, M.A. LMHC www.cristienstorm.com 206-769-3160

ANGER MANA GEMENT

Is your life out of balance? Perhaps your anger is creating problems. Find Balance Between Body + Soul. Call (206) 427-9796 or Visit www.NutriPsychTherapy.com

MASSAGE

ROOMMATES

$45HR FOR MEN 1.5-$65/2hr-$85. 18yrs masseur. More focused attention for tightness, tension and muscle aches or relax into a more general, unhurried full-body massage. John Runyan (LMP#MA8718) 206.324.0682. 10am9pm. Cash/incalls only. Last Minute Encouraged.

DEEP TISSUE AND Relaxation Massage on Capitol Hill. $50.00. Jeff LMP 206-650-0542 swedish, sports, and deep tissue massage. Last minute appointments encouraged. www.broadwaymassage.com 14 years experience. All are welcome. Close to broadway ave. 7 days a week 11:00a.m.-9:00p.m.

FREE, FULL FEATURED Online

Appointment & Resource Booking solution that is ideal for single practitioners or service providers and allows up to 20 bookings per month.Available at: http:// www.click4time.com/free

LAURIE’S MASSAGE (206)919-2180

LIKE A JAPANESE Hot Springs

- At The Gated Sanctuary you can soak naked outside amoung soaring cedar trees in jetted hot pools, dip in a cold plunge, and relax with therapeutic massage. Unwind in our eucalyptus steamroom. (425)334-6277 www.TheGatedSanctuary.com

STUDIES

AGE 65 OR over? History of depression? Share your experiences and thoughts in a University of Washington study. You will be compensated. Please call 206 764-2815 for information.

OTHER

PREGNANT? CONSIDERING ADOPTION? Talk with caring agency specializing in matching Birthmothers with Families nationwide. LIVING EXPENSES PAID. Call 24/7 Abby’s One True Gift Adoptions 866-413-6293 (AAN CAN)

RELAXATION, TREATMENT

MASSAGE Experience the healing power of touch. use Lomi Lomi, Swedish, deep tissue, myofascial, neuromuscular techniques in massage. Non-sexual. work Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays on Capitol Hill. Visit my website for specials http://massage-by-roy.com Lic #MA60069631

THE HEPATITIS EDUCATION Project provides peer-led groups that offer emotional support for hepatitis C patients and their families. Receive emotional support/information from people who know how you feel. Call 206-732-0311 for details, or visit our website: www.hepeducation.org.

CLEANING CARPET CLEANING SPECIAL!

$29.99 per room, min. of 3 areas/ rooms. We use the

FL Zip: 32703 Contact: 321-228-7851 Hot phone: 321-236-4810 Domain: orlandopainting.net

ECO-SAFE OFFICE CLEANING. Licensed, bonded, insured. Provide employees with a clean, organized workspace. 206.307.2270

COMPUTER

CREATIVE

GLAM UP WITH your ladies, drink, catch up on the latest gossip, and take awesome photos (Boudoir, beauty, portrait, sports,any other combos/themes/styles).

SOPHIAHAT RECORDING STUDIOS - pro sound at project studio rates www.sophiahatstudio.com

EDUCATION

RETURN A LOVER.+27731904512

perform short scenes onstage. Plus: warm-ups, theater games, auditioning. 206-420-1309. Seattleworkshops@aol.com. http:// www.classesandworkshops.com

will be provided. virginia@seashellmusictogether.com, (425) 443-0254

FINANCIAL/LEGAL

CRIMINAL/DUI

MISC.

CARTOONING 1-DAY WORKSHOP. Meets in May. For more information, call 206-367-1919, or email Seattleworkshops@aol.com. For a full list of classes, visit http://www. classesandworkshops.com.

DRAWING AND PAINTING CLASSES. Fun, affordable one-day workshops. Held on the U.W. campus; open to the public. Http://www. classesandworkshops.com. 206-3671919.

FIGURE DRAWING - learn the basics in a fact-packed one-day workshop. 206-367-1919. http://www.classesandworkshops.com

IT’S TIME TO write your SCREENPLAY! New class this fall. For dates, times and tuition email Seattleworkshops@aol.com or call 206-367-1919

LEARN THE BASICS of drawing in this 1-day workshop in April. Fun, affordable. http://www.classesandworkshops.com Or call 206-367-1919

MAKING MOVIES. IN MAKING MOVIES. In this intensive, informationpacked class, yo’ll learn all about the process of making an independent film. http:/www.classesandworkshops. com. Call 206-367-1919 or email Seattleworkshops@aol.com

NEW CLASS; HOW to make a film documentary! http://www.classesandworkshops.com

WRITING FICTION AND SHORT STORIES. In this class, students’ll write short stories and get feedback from the instructor and others in the class. 206-367-1919. www.classesandworkshops.com

MUSIC INSTRUCTION & SERVICES

AVANT-ROCK BAND SEEKING violinist to complete personnel. Drums/ Bass/Guitar/Cello/Voice. Swans, Glenn Branca, Godspeed You!Black Emperor, Zero 7, Jarboe, Live Skull, Saint Vitus, Black Sabbath, Black Flag. No drugs. We have a rehearsal space. 206.547.2615/omaritaylor@gmail.com www.myspace.com/branavinix

BLOODSHOT BARRELS NEED BASS TRAVEL.RECORD .SHOWS,BSBARRRELS@GMAIL. COM...206-328-2329

CALL ME NOW! There’s little chance for talented lower and middle class Americans to make a living these days: becoming entertainers is a way to do this. Experienced musicians: please call Thomas at 2068603534.

COLOR THESE SONGS. Stones, REM, Nirvana, “Beat” groups, and whatever you are PSYCHed about. My songs get radio play but dont sound like Lumineers. Need to be honest and somewhat dedicated. Guitar/ other inst. and backing vocals...NICE. J2063214321

DRUMMER NEEDED FOR new guitar-heavy powerpop band. We... *currently writing/recording new material *performance/recording experience *fun to work with *equipped rehearsal/ recording space You... *no heavy drugs or alcoholics *play to click *recording/performance experience contact southseattle77@gmail.com

EXPERIENCED VOCALIST/ SONGWRITER. I HAVE YEARS OF EXPERIENCE SINGING AND PLAYING SYNTH. CONTACT ME AT 206-8603534. I LIVE IN SEATTLE: LET ME KNOW YOUR BACKGROUND AND WHERE YOU REHEARSE. CALL TOM AT 206-860-3534

EXPERIMENTAL ROCK BAND

seeking keyboardist/soundscape artist. Swans, Big Black, Neurosis, Black Flag, Killing Joke, Throbbing Gristle, Laibach, SPK, Coil, Godflesh, Savage Republic, Pigface, Jarboe, Diamanda Galas, Head of David. No drugs. Bass/ drums/guitar. 206.547.2615/omaritaylor@hotmail.com/www.soundclick. com/rendingsinew

EXPERIMENTAL ROCK BAND seeking keyboardist/soundscape artist. Swans, Big Black, Neurosis, Black Flag, Killing Joke, Throbbing Gristle, Laibach, SPK, Coil, Godflesh, Savage Republic, Pigface, Jarboe, Diamanda Galas, Head of David. No drugs. Bass/ drums/guitar. 206.547.2615/omaritaylor@hotmail.com/www.soundclick. com/rendingsinew

FIENDS & QUEENS hiring FEMALE guitarist & drummer! ALL GIRL PUNK BAND, FIENDS & QUEENS ISO female guitarist & drummer that don’t suck. You have a powerful presence, pro grade gear & can play? Get paid! call Rubella DeVille 206.931.1117

FOLK BAND DRUMMER wanted by musician with extensive recording/ touring experience. For shows, recording, and a record deal. Music a la Simon & Garfunkel, Grizzly Bear. Please be cool, and possess musicianship (tasteful playing for the song’s sake!) triscuitdood@gmail.com

GIG HARBOR/TACOMA BASED duo looking for a well-rehearsed guitarist/bassist. Preferably between the ages of 16-19. We play garagepop similar to bands like Thee Oh Sees, Nirvana, Ty Segall, etc. We have rough demos at www.trasholes.com. Email ianzander@gmail.com

KEYBOARDIST WANTED FOR an avant-rock band. Swans, Black Flag, Masada, John Zorn, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Zero 7, Of Cabbages and Kings, Suicide. No drugs. We have a rehearsal space. Bass/Drums/Cello/ Violin/Guitar/Voice. 206.547.2615/ omaritaylor@hotmail.com www.myspace.com/branavinix

PAT BENATAR TRIBUTE band. looking for guitarist or keyboardist for the last missing piece of the band. must play well with others. gigs coming up. we practice in west seattle. 206 696 3120 trex2001@comcast.net

QUEER MUSICIAN LOOKING for other queers to jam with. sing, play guitar, bass, drums, piano, wooden flutes. Wanna start a Metal band that does a bunch of weird stuff like: circus waltzes, ska breakdowns and surf rock solos?!

SEATTLE VOCALIST/PRODUCER/ SYNTH PLAYER/SONGWRITER

AVAILABLE: I’M LOOKING FOR OTHERS WITH SIMILAR ABILITIES. CALL THOMAS AT 2068603534.

SINGER/SONGWRITER LOOKING FOR guitar player to collaborate with. Have lots of songs and PA. Can’t put a label on it? It’s dark rock. Capitol Hill 206-388-6308

STRING PLAYERS WANTED! The Rainbow City Orchestra invites adult string players of all levels to join our non-audition chamber orchestra! We rehearse on Thursday evenings in Seattle. Requirements: players are 18+ & able to read music. orchestra@rainbowcityband.com / www.rainbowcityband.com

WANT TO MARCH in a drumline? Northern Alliance in Portland, OR is seeking members. Spots open in Snare, Bass, and Cymbal sections. All levels of experience welcome. All ages welcome. One weekend a month, rides available. NorthernAll@yahoo.com

RECORDING/REHEARSAL

BAND REHEARSAL SPACE 1 Shared Room @$210/month Incl. 36hrs/month & Private closet and Private Rooms @ $500/mo. Call 425445-9165 or Visit wildersoundstudios. com Located in SODO Seattle

SUPERIOR AUDIO SERVICEHOURLY/MONTHLY Rehearsal

Rooms in Ballard (24-7, heated, parking). Recording at Birdhouse Studio available with engineer or room only. Dave 206-369-7588 attackodave@ yahoo.com

TACOMA AREA REHEARSAL

Studio-We rent rooms by the month, 24/7 access, utilities included, climate controlled, private rooms@ $265-$360 month, video surveillance. Call Gary 253-973-2684

SERVICES

MUSICIAN PROMOTION

SERVICES including social media and web design, online content management and booking promotion in Seattle. www.boomwafflemedia.com

bucketloads more (or place your own) online at www.thestranger.com/personals

10AM EASY STREET BREAKFAST

Waiting for tables: You’re tall, dark hair, huge gorgeous eyes, black tights, purple mittens. I’m dark, shaved, with older friend. Made smiley eye contact when you‚Äôre at register, before you sat with your friend. May I treat you to breakfast? When: Monday, February 18, 2013. Where: Easy Street Records Cafe. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919421

PIZZA RAZZI REDHEAD LOOKING @U

You: short dark hair, tattoo on forearm, tight pants with daughter. Me: red hair, polka dot hoodie, w/son. We kept our eyes on each other. regret not running after you. Would have been awkward with kids. Care to meet?

When: Sunday, February 17, 2013. Where: Pizza Razzi. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919420

BRENT, BARTENDER AT CUFF

We ran into each other in the smoking section. We talked about Wailuku. hit on you a little bit. I have had a crush on you for years. Coffee? Mark When: Saturday, February 16, 2013. Where: Cuff Complex. You: Man. Me: Man. #919419

RAIN SHADOW MEATS. You were working that meat counter, wearing a cream colored tight shirt and a dark beanie. Your long hair was pulled back and you had a sexy trimmed up beard. I saw some nice tattoo’s and I wanna see more. When: Saturday, February 16, 2013. Where: Rain shadow meats. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919418

MY BLOODY VALENTINE

We shared the dance floor & several flirtatious glances. You are a wonderful dancer, and a beautiful woman. I was with my sister. got your name, sarah, but not your number. Would love to take you out for dinner. When: Saturday, February 16, 2013. Where: My Bloody Valentine. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919416

MEANINGFUL MOVIESCHASING ICE

We arrived just before the announcements - in the lobby, a bit flustered. We were lead to the side aisle to take a seat. You: Lovely complexion and suiting glasses - almost knocked a seal off the cake. :) Drinks? When: Friday, February 15, 2013. Where: Keystone Congregational United Church of Christ. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919414

BRASS BAND, NAMELY HOT 8

You were short and cute, and we danced next to each other. Sadly enough, I did not bother to pay enough attention and elbowed you like a brute. What makes me worry - I didn’t get to say I’m sorry. When: Friday, February 15, 2013. Where: Tractor Tavern, Ballard. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919413

FLASHED YOUR GALL BLADDER SCAR

GLANCES AND SMILES

COWEN PARK GROCERY 2/8

COFFEE PLACE INSIDE FERRY TERMINAL

I SAW U

Seattle Rock Orchestra

Founder/Bassist

I loved Smashing Pumpkins tonight for many reasons, and one of them was you. You are disarmingly attractive and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. I’m smitten.

When: Saturday, February 16, 2013. Where: SRO Smashing Pumpkins @ the Neptune. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919415

EASTLAKE JOGGER You: Cute dark-haired jogger, red shirt/black hat, corner of Eastlake and E. Lynn at about 11:45 AM. Me: Cute brunette in red coat in silver car. I live in Eastlake too -- want to grab a beer at Pazzo? :) When: Saturday, February 9, 2013. Where: Corner of Eastlake

BLONDE WITH BABY BLUE BIKE You, Male cutie

Casey, I’d love to buy you a drink in return. When: Saturday, February 2, 2013. Where: Linda’s, Hot Mama’s. You: Woman. Me: Woman. #919388

ROUTE 3RD&PIKE-IN-

Made eye contact a couple times; you moved from where couldn’t see you to where could. Telling your friend about your GB surgery, you showed her your scar--gratuitous, methinks, unless you were trying to show some skin. Coffee? When: Thursday, February 14, 2013. Where: Sizizis, Olympia. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919412

CUTIE EATING SUSHI ON BROADWAY

Saw you through the door, we made eye contact and smiled at each other. You were with a guy, but I seem to have distracted you. think you’re cute, and would love to chat sometime. When: Thursday, February 14, 2013. Where: Sushi place on Broadway. You: Woman. Me: Man. #919411

STEVENS YESTERDAY

You were in the restaurant playing with your white phone/grey or case. grey ski jacket? You ate alone, I wanted to talk to you.You- mid-late 30s? was around 1-2ish :) was with my friend. I didnt see a ring..Coffee? When: Wednesday, February 13, 2013. Where: Stevens pass. You: Man. Me: Woman. #919410

SERIOUSLY

SAVAGE LOVE

The Wedding Party BY

DAN SAVAGE

A PROGRAMMING NOTE: I hosted a live taping of the Savage Lovecast in Seattle on Valentine’s Day, and it went great—thanks to all who came (especially to the five boys who left with butt plugs in their butts)—but I made the mistake of having a drink or five afterward, and I’m so fucking hungover right now that I shouldn’t be sitting upright, much less giving advice. But deadlines are deadlines. So here we go…

I’m a 31-year-old genderqueer in Brooklyn with a large family on Long Island. My only sister got engaged 48 hours ago, and she’s moving fast on planning the wedding. I have two questions.

Number one question: I texted my sister the only date I wasn’t available in the next two years, which is Columbus Day weekend 2013. I have my 10-year college reunion, which I’ve been organizing. My sister texted me back that they picked this Columbus Day weekend for the wedding even though they have no idea if the places they want will be booked up. It quickly came out that they didn’t check with anyone about potential conflicts. She wants me to be the maid of honor, and I’m not sure what to do. She’s really upset with me. Columbus Day weekend is of no significance to them (it’s not the anniversary of the date they met or anything), and I can’t reschedule the reunion.

find someone else to model it at her wedding.

A gay friend of mine is getting married in Seattle, and we’re hoping to throw him a most excellent bachelor party. However, as a straight dude, I’m fairly clueless about gay strip clubs in the Seattle area. Can you please recommend one or two good ones?

Straight Best Man

There are no gay strip clubs in Seattle, SBM, I’m sorry to say. You can blame the Washington State Liquor Control Board for that sad fact. Adults in Seattle can look at naked people or they can have a drink, but they can’t have a drink while looking at naked people. While there’s enough demand for naked ladies in Seattle to make non-boozeservin’ straight strip clubs economically viable, there isn’t enough demand for naked boys to make gay strip clubs economically viable. (And people have tried.) There is, however, a great gay strip club in Portland, Oregon, called Silverado. If gay strippers are a must, plan a road trip as well as a bachelor party.

Number two question: I was born female but do not identify that way. I’m genderqueer and do not look like a girl. I have not worn a dress in 10 years and feel like I’m in drag in one. In the past, my sister said she would consider putting me in a pantsuit-ish kind of thing at her wedding, which would be great, but I am worried that now I’m rocking the boat too much with this Columbus Day thing and I don’t know if I should just leave it alone. My girlfriend, who is very pretty and feminine, said if I had to wear a dress, she’d go in a suit and bow tie. Dan, help! If for some reason my sister can’t get her weekend, it will be because they’re rushing and everything is booked, but I have already caused trouble! Is it worth it to fight for the pantsuit thing, or should I just leave it alone and do what she wants?

Thank You So Much

Number one answer: If your sister didn’t check with anyone—not members of her immediate family, not members of her bridal party—about potential conflicts, then your sister should’ve anticipated that some of the folks wouldn’t be able to attend. Folks who aren’t getting married have lives and commitments of their own, which means they can have conflicts, and your sister could’ve worked around those conflicts if she had cared to ask about them. But she didn’t care to ask, because she seems to be one of those brides-to-be who think an engagement ring on her finger puts her ass at the center of the universe. Here’s hoping your sister can’t get the venue she wants and has to reschedule. If that doesn’t happen, TYSM, tell your sister you’ll be with her in spirit and send a gift.

Number two answer: The fact that your sister has been engaged for 48 hours and is already furious with her maid-of-honor-elect is a bad sign. You’ll be doing yourself, both families, and your sister a service if you stand up to her now. A little pushback now will either prevent your sister from going Bridezilla or get you dropped from the wedding party. You literally can’t lose. So tell your sister now that you’re delighted to be her maid of honor, if scheduling allows, and that you look forward to shopping for a pantsuit that matches her dress and the dresses of her bridal party. If she tells you that you have to wear a dress to be her maid of honor, TYSM, then it’s clear that the dress is more important to your sister than the person wearing it, and you should tell her to

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married, and I am incredibly excited about marrying this awesome dude. My problem is that my ideal engagement ring is something that looks nice but is cheap. Seriously, a $50 ring would be perfect. I don’t want something expensive because (A) it’ll make me paranoid about losing it/having it stolen, and (B) I’d rather use the money for something else, like a house. However, my guy wants to spend about a grand on an engagement/wedding ring set. Given his income, this is far from an outrageous expense, but I’d still rather have my $50 cubic zirconia. I’ve talked with him about this, and we joke about how the stereotypical roles are reversed here, with me being the one who wants to go cheap and him wanting something more. But he’s holding fast. Any ideas how I might be able to get my way and make him see that he’s my prize, not the jewelry?

Not A Ring Girl

The difference between the engagement ring you’d prefer and the ring set your fiancé wants to buy—$950—ain’t nothin’, NARG, but it’s not enough to buy a fucking house. I could see digging in your heels if your fiancé wanted to spend twenty grand on a ring, as that kind of money would go a long way toward a down payment; I could see going to war if he was planning to go into debt to buy you a rock. But learning to pick your battles is the secret to a happy, successful marriage, NARG, and the difference between a $50 ring and a far from outrageous $1,000 ring set isn’t worth fighting about. You want to make him see that he’s your prize? Let him have his way on this.

My brother and his new wife had a three-way with a male hotel receptionist while on their honeymoon. I don’t have a problem with threeways in theory, but I think it’s wrong to have one on your fucking honeymoon. I was their best man. What am I supposed to do now? Disgusted Big Bro

You’re supposed to shut the fuck up and mind your own business—now and always. n

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

My new book— American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics —comes out in May. Order it now!

mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter

JOE NEWTON

21PARTYBUS.COM

($25 OFF PER HR)

Ahh! Time to get *Ahh-thorized* 24/7 Patient Verification

Doctor-Nurse Owned Holistic Center 425.449.9393 or 888.508.5428 AdvancedHolisticHealth.org

Arcane Comics & More 10% OFF all website orders www.arcanecomics.com

Be an Egg Donor

Are you a healthy woman in your 20’s who loves to help others, or know someone who is?

We would love to talk with you! Generous compensation. Call: 206-515-0042 or email: DonorEggBank@pnwfertility.com

Criminal Appeals & Defense

Former Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Years of Practical Experience (206)390-4140 eplseattlelaw.com

DID ANYONE SEE POLICE TAKE A MAN DOWN Aug 21st outside UW Tower 11:30pm? didanyonesee@gmail.com DUI??!!

Do NOT take the field sobriety tests. Do NOT take the roadside portable breath test. Consult the Law Office of Elizabeth Mount 206-641-9019

Green Buddha Patient Co-Op now accepting new qualified patients and providers (206) 297-9640 www.greenbuddha.us

Get Strong, Live Long, and Kick Ass!

Quantum Martial Arts!

964 Denny Way, Seattle. (206) 322-4799 Quantumseattle.org

HAPPY HAULER.com

Debris Removal

206-784-0313

Major credit cards accepted LEARN BLUES HARP ROCK OUT! 206-669-9388

Learn how to become a MONEY magnet!

To get your FREE CD, please call: (425) 243-4076

Learn to WELD! http://tinyurl.com/learntoweld contact@allmetalarts.org

MEN NEEDED FOR PAID UW RESEARCH STUDY

Male social drinkers wanted for a study on male-female interactions. Single men of |all ethnic backgrounds aged 21-30 can receive $15/hour for 2-8 hours (up to $120) during an office visit, and up to $75 more for completing two online follow-up surveys. Please call (206) 685-MAST(6278) for more information. Part of a research study at the University of Washington. New! Increased Compensation for Egg Donors!

Get paid for giving infertile couples the chance to have a baby. Women 21-31 and in good health are encouraged to apply. $5,000 compensation.

Email Amy.Smith@integramed.com or call (206)301-5000.

NW Green Resource

Medical Cannabis Recommendation

Located on Capitol Hill 206-453-4181

www.nwgreenresource.com

Only The Best - MMJ Delivery

Prompt - Seattle & Eastside Deliveries (206) 641-6055 or www.otbdelivery.com

PIANIST AVAILABLE

Clubs, Weddings, Parties

I’m Richard Peterson, 64 year old composer, arranger, and pianist. I’m available to play parties, weddings, clubs, shows, etc. $200/gig. Covers and originals.

Please call 206-325-5271, Thank You! CD available.

SEATTLEJUGGLING.COM

RAD DYKE

SEX OFFENDER REGISTRATION GOT YOU DOWN?

We may be able to help to remove that requirement. The Meryhew Law Group, PLLC (206)264-1590 www.meryhewlaw.com

Trees Collective / Greenwood

Gred meds, great prices, and a welcoming environment 206-953-9935/ 1052 Greenwood Ave N

University of Washington Research Study

Department of Medicine Testosterone & Prostate Study Men are needed to participate in a study looking at the effects of testosterone on the prostate gland. This study will be conducted at the University of Washington, Seattle. It involves the use of two investigational drugs and a prostate biopsy. The study involves 9 visits over a period of 5 months.To be eligible you must be: 25-55 years of age, Male, In good health, Not taking medications on a daily basis. Volunteers will be reimbursed for their time and inconvenience for each study visit completed and may be compensated up to $1,000. If interested, call 206-616-1818 (volunteer line) and ask for more information about the PROS-2 study. Stephanie Page, MD, PhD; William Bremner, MD, PhD; John Amory, MD, MPH; Daniel Lin, MD Urban Roots MMJ University District Call Today (206) 527-5154 or www.mygreennow.org

ZzyZyx Cannabis Edibles/ Medibles Bakery

Delivery Call 206-718-0752 or www.ZzyZyx.org