MURPH! ♥♥ No joke, you are the best. Let’s stay on the island forever. Just me, you, and our furry daughter. I love you rediculously much. Yours, J HILLARIOUS ♥♥ So glad I’ve found you. There are a lot of creepers out there these days. Love you!
BARRE BUTT ♥♥ Is thuper cute. Keep rocking those yoga pants.
CITYOFTREESHIPSTER ♥♥ Because you saw the Lumineers before they were cool and actually paid for their album.
ODE FROM YOUR FATTY ♥♥ Even though you don’t let me have seconds, I still love you. And I might shame eat tortilla chips and cookies in the kitchen when you aren’t looking.
HEATED SEATS ♥♥ The car is a lease, let’s go park somewhere and rub our bare buns all over the seats. I’ve got some good ideas of what we can do.
TO MY SWEET TITS... ♥♥ My salty balls would be nothing without you. May our salted caramel of love remain “Forever,” like WuTangs best album. One luv, Gigantor! MY ROCK STAR ♥♥ I never knew this could happen to me. From cold drips on our skin in the SAAB to PeeWee Herman white shoes, God only knows where I’d be without you.
Anthony Greenwald: ‘Hidden Biases of Good People’ (2/13) EarthFix: Exploring the Powder River Basin Coal-Train Proposals (2/13)
Cuban Love Songs for Valentine’s Day: Juan-Carlos Formell (2/14)
Ben Goldacre: How Drug Companies Mislead Doctors & Harm Patients (2/18) A Conversation with Michelle Rhee (2/19)
John Borling: A POW’s Poetry from the Hanoi Hilton (2/19)
Phil Lapsley: The Forgotten History of the Phone Phreaks (2/20)
Ignite Seattle! (2/20) Lapsley/Ignite Double Feature! One $5 ticket = two great events!
LAST DAYS
The Week in Review by
Cienna Madrid
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4 This week of cop shootings, winter storms, and sex that’ll make you scream “Gaaaaah!” kicks off in Texas, where a man was arrested for attempting to make a “horseman baby” after being blown off by his girlfriend. Details come from the Weekly Vice, which reports that 29-year-old Andrew Mendoza generously gave up his right to remain silent when questioned by police.
honeYpoT
“I told myself that if [my girlfriend] didn’t call me, I was going to go next door and mess with the neighbor’s horse,” Mendoza explained in a signed statement posted on the Smoking Gun, among other websites. When she didn’t call by the arbitrary hour of 11 p.m., Mendoza carried out his threat/promise: “I was trying to make the horse have a baby. I
BATS BATS BATS BATS ♥♥
You are the true bat of my heart, my manta princess, and my beloved burner of tempeh. Here’s to WHEEL-ing on for many many more! I love you!
DEAR MISTER RED FOX,
♥♥ You’ve caged my heart for good & in between these tousled sheets where we meet our insatiable need to twist each others nips, I’m sayin’ I Love You!
MY DARLING HEDGEHOG
♥♥ I want to meep the fuck out of you and vice versa. I loved seeing stars with you, your eyes, lips, face, bosons, hands, voice, soul. Be my Valentine.
KELRGS! ♥♥ Love you so much! From the fateful night to our big day last year, it is so much fun. The Nugs is pretty cool too. Can’t wait for more to come! Mike
MY DARLING HEDGEHOG ♥♥
I want to meep the fuck out of you and vice versa. I loved seeing stars with you, your eyes, lips, face, bosons, hands, voice, soul. Be my Valentine.
SUNSHINE BUGALOO! ♥♥
You are my cuddleslave and you are the one I am loving on all time! You’re in big trouble! Get over in my arms, where you belong! <3
I LOVE YOU, OLLIE! ♥♥ I can’t wait to meet the little one so that I can love him even more. Thank you for everything. -Brandon
LOVE U MORE THAN PIE ♥♥ Razzleberries are red, Bleasles is blue, Chocolate melting cake is sweet, But not as sweet as you
WILDCAT ♥♥ You’re so CRAZY right now! I love being with you while we work toward the day we can raise the perfect attack goose. :-D
LOML LOML LOML LOML ♥♥ You are my person & truly the love of my life. I love you Cruz.
POCKET LOVE ♥♥ I always want you in my pocket. Close to my heart. A miniature you, for a miniature me. Lets make some babies. You feel me. Love, Rutherford
BLANKETLAND ♥♥ izmirAlways. I promise. - tver
I CAN DO THIS ♥♥ *WIGGLES
EYEBROWS UP AND DOWN* We can do this, honey! I know we can. You’re worth it and we’re gonna be together on that sailboat one day. <3 HAPPY VALENTINES!! ♥♥ I love you baby xxoo!!!
DEAREST SUGAR BOOGER ♥♥ We love you with all our hearts! Thank you for being awesome! Hugs & kisses, Your Brown Eyed Girls XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX LESBIANSPLINTERCELL ♥♥ LJK, EJK, CW-No ?’s any one of you would bail me out of jail at 3am on a wednesday. We’ll give the golden girls a run for their $. U my family. xoxox
VOODOO MONKEY LOVE ♥♥ Usually I don’t care about Vday, but this is 013! I love you, MSK despite this evil moving business. Soon we’ll be scooting on our new moss. Your DBG.
YOU KNOW WHAT? ♥♥ Chickenbutt! I love you! Your Fangboy.
BIZ LUV TRAPEZOID ♥♥ Every time I think of you I feel a shot right thru of a bolt of blu. After all these years! I love you.
TO MY BEAUTY... ♥♥ I LOVE YOU. You Gorgeous, hilarious, sexy minx. My body and soul are forever yours. Til’ we’re old and gray. I’ll follow you into the dark.
HEY WILDEBEEST! ♥♥ I sure do love you. You’re amazing and wonderful. Also, we just made a person together, and he’s also completely amazing and wonderful. Yay family!
!!<3 SEATTLE <3!! ♥♥ Emerald City, how I miss you, your wetness, your tension! I live now in a very, very quiet rural town over the mountains and far away... “Runner”
BELUGAS: ROAR 4EVAH ♥♥ My roaring wife, I love you as much as when we first wrote Stranger notes years ago. Bumb bumb roar!
BETTER THAN MY HEART ♥♥ Travis P, I know you wont ask, but if we match, you can have part of my liver. Even the good part. Seriously. I have insurance now. <3 Your Sister.
GOMMO! ♥♥ Dear, Sweet Gommo. I’ll find you drunkenly hiding behind a parked car any day.. Love ya!!
BRASSYSASSYMOUTH ♥♥ I’m so, so glad you asked a second time. BossyLassyMouth
TO MY GAMER KITTY! ♥♥ All I want to do for Valentine’s Day is snuggle up on the couch and play video games naked. Also acceptable would be fucking somewhere naughty <3
was thinking it would have a horseman baby. I ain’t going to lie; I blew a nut in the horse. I then got off the bucket and put my clothes back on and left… This was the only time I fucked the neighbor’s horse.” Mendoza was subsequently charged with public lewdness and criminal trespass and sentenced to four months in prison. But it seems that attempting to spawn a horse-faced centaur child was not Mendoza’s only crime: While serving a separate sentence for indecency with a child and trespassing, Mendoza hanged himself in his cell.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5 Fresh off an apology tour for allegedly molesting generations of God-fearing children, the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles is now considering asking the public for $200 million in donations to help claw out of its kiddietouching-induced debt. Details come from the Los Angeles Times and NBC News, which note that the archdiocese is now millions in debt after paying a $660 million settlement for 562 alleged victims of priest abuse in 2007. Since God is not conveniently bailing them out , the archdiocese has turned to the nonprofit Guidance in Giving to explore the idea of launching its first-ever public fundraising campaign. The funds would help fund “priests’ retirement, seminarian education, Catholic schools, Catholic charities, and parish needs,” NBC News reports.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6 The week continues with two horrifying accounts of children giving birth to children . First up, a 9-year-old Mexican girl, dubbed Dafne, who gave birth to a premature baby girl on January 27: “According to Dafne’s mother, the girl was eight at the time she got pregnant, but she didn’t realize she was expecting until she was seven months gone,” reports the Daily Mail. Further horrifying matters: Although the girl-child insists her 17-year-old boyfriend got her pregnant, Dafne’s stepfather and “all of the stepfather’s male relatives [are] being given a DNA test to eliminate them from the investigation and make sure they are not the father.” Tomorrow, news outlets will report that Dafne could be as old as 15 (police are still investigating), which we suppose could upgrade her pregnancy from horrifying to sad.
In worse news, tomorrow also brings reports that a 12-year-old Argentinean girl gave birth to twin sons, also on January 27, after her elementary-school teacher spotted her baby bump.
•• Speaking of freaky mom news, today the Smoking Gun reports that a 54-year-old woman was arrested after passing drugs to her incarcerated son via an open-mouth kiss. According to a police report, Kimberly Margeson put two oxycodone pills “into her mouth and brought them into the jail when she visited her son.”
She then passed the pills “from her mouth to her son’s mouth when she kissed him.” The report does not indicate whether tongues were involved . (Gaaaaaah!) Margeson was arrested and charged with one felony drug count and a misdemeanor count of promoting prison contraband.
HENRY CLUMP! ♥♥ They have you on alzheimer pills and you still shit all over the apartment - that’s my stripey tailed friend! - Titus BFFs 4EVR
TITUS BLOTTER ♥♥ Thanks for sticking by me during the inappropriate eliminations. And sorry for pissing the bed those times. I just get confused. Maybe. Henry PWS UP!
A HAIKU 4 BABYCAKES ♥♥ You like the scratches? You like-a the head-rubbies? You like the pokies!
BABYGIRL! ♥♥ i love you more than ever. i am so glad we found each other. let’s grow old but not be old. know you’re up to it.
LOSERS LOVE YOU ♥♥ To all 40ish of our dates this VDay: We hate that we are all single but we’re glad we’re not sitting home alone watching SciFi and eating a TV dinner.
DEAREST DOG SYRINGE ♥♥
“Everything will be fine because we love eachother and we have a low standard of living.” How did I get so lucky? Love, your cheap travel soulmate.
OFFICIAL NOTICE... ♥♥ ...to breakup, Spencer. J/K! Love you boo! -Patrick
SEATTLE TO PARIS ♥♥ & back again. No matter where I go, I always come back to you. You are my home. I’m still dancing with you, my WBOC, my LWC. Eternally your PSP. <3 <3 MY SWEET SEAMUS... ♥♥ I love you more than unicorns with sparkly horns, tiny giraffes on treadmills and double rainbows ON FIRE! You make my heart the happiest!
BOSTON MARRIAGE ♥♥ Katie,
Our non-monogamous Boston marriage is working out well, yes? Those other fuckers don’t know what they’re missing. Meow, Bawk Bawk Love, Heather TO ROBYTRON ♥♥ My neural pathways have become accustomed to your sensory input patterns.
SHANNON-PANTS! ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s Day! Unfortunately, there’s not much clever I have to say.
3 WONDERFUL YEARS ♥♥ To my one and only, these 3 years together have been spectacular and in August I cannot wait to make our life together official. I love you Hilde
EDMOND ♥♥ Edmond, your love surpasses this trite holiday. Stay cool. Love, Edmond
GOODBYE MR. MULLET ♥♥ ...and HELLO sexy shaved head! I love you!!
DEAREST A., ♥♥ i’m deeply happy with you, with our children, and with the life we’ve made together. this year, we’ll both do well. love, b.
AMPED ABOUT 7 YEARS ♥♥ Waking up next to you each day makes me a stronger man. I’ve loved you more and more these seven years, and I don’t see it stopping any time soon.
HEY MAGGO... ♥♥ What else?!
TUUTI BELLA ♥♥ This year has made us into U-N-I. I have never been happier, or more inspired, becoming the man I want to be in our light. Always in all ways - Babalu
HEY LAMBYTOES ♥♥ I love you more than I love snickerdoodles and tiny things combined. Here’s to another year, or seven.
TO: MOIST VON LIPWIG ♥♥ Dearest Postmaster General: if life was a ploughman’s pie, you would be the crunchy pickles. Surprising and delightful. Love, Glenda.
FOR KIM IN 5140 ♥♥ To the designer who sang us the colors of the wind, who tries to make out with all the gay men, I lovingly say, treat yo self this Valentines Day.
TEAM HUMPSKI ♥♥ We’re cuter than Biden’s plans for 2016.
HUBBO SINGS... ♥♥ What’s in the center of a Wifey? In the center of the Wifey is a mind. A dirty, dirty mind is in the Wifey! And that’s why Hubbo finds her so divine!
KITTEH! ♥♥ Je t’aime toujours. Heart, Bunneh
CHEDDAR BUNNY ♥♥ I like you so much, there’s another word for it. I wanna be with you for a long time, so keep bein’ mine <3
SOMETHING TRUE ♥♥ I’d do anything for you.
CHUCKANUT SUNSET ♥♥ I want to give you that trip down: The darkest country road And the strong scent of evergreen From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.
HAPPY 12 YEARS PAUL! ♥♥ You say our anniversary is now the day we married, but I still count Valentines because that was the first time I invited you in! Love Seana
BABY MAKIN! ♥♥ I’m ready for some sweet sweet baby makin with you, my small sexy lady! This is going to be a great year my love. Smooches!
LIKE OIL AND WATER.. ♥♥ Who would have known we would blend so well together? Thank you for having my back. No one else gets me quite like you. Happy 3yrs, here is to 30 more
UM...DADDY SEAL? ♥♥ Our baby seal isn’t the only one who always wants to see daddy when daddy gets
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8 The week continues with fresh reasons to bitch about the weather as a blizzard named Nemo hit the Northeast today, dumping up to three feet of snow across seven states, causing massive power outages that will last for days, and leading to at least 18 deaths in the United States and Canada, according to the Associated Press. “It looked like a war zone,” Massachusetts state representative Jim Cantwell told CNN, where about 90 percent of some towns remained without power through Sunday. “The devastation we have seen here would lead one to believe that it’ll be days before we get power back.”
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9 Speaking of unconventional assaults, today’s news comes from Hot Tipper Greg: “I saw a sweatered dog humping a non-sweatered dog on the #8,” Greg writes. “They got stuck that way, and both their owners missed their stops by a long shot. Bummer!” Bummer indeed.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Nothing happened today, unless you count the Grammy Awards and, more importantly, the Lunar New Year. All hail the Year of the Snake! n Send hot tips to lastdays@thestranger.com.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7 Today, authorities will launch a multistate manhunt for Christopher Dorner, an ex-LAPD cop wanted in connection with a double homicide in Irvine and the shooting of three police officers, one fatally, in Riverside County, reports the Los Angeles Times. Authorities say Dorner’s alleged shooting spree was triggered by an internal LAPD discipline hearing in 2008 that found Dorner guilty of making false statements and filing a false personnel complaint against his training partner. Dorner was subsequently stripped of his badge. But in an 18-page manifesto addressed to “America” and posted on what is believed to be Dorner’s Facebook page, Dorner allegedly points to the LAPD’s history of institutionalized racism for his unjust firing. He writes: “The department has not changed since the Rampart and Rodney King days… Unfortunately, this is a necessary evil that I do not enjoy but must partake and complete for substantial change to occur within the LAPD and reclaim my name.” According to the Los Angeles Times, Dorner “fatally shot the daughter of an ex-LAPD captain who represented him at his discipline hearing. He also allegedly shot her fiancé. Dorner went on to fatally shoot one officer and injure two others, police say.” By early next week, the manhunt for the 33-year-old suspect will extend into Mexico after the Los Angeles Times reports that Dorner allegedly attempted to steal a boat in San Diego and flee the country. Meanwhile, in their search for Dorner, California police will not once but twice open fire on innocent drivers operating vehicles that match the suspect’s truck description, first wounding an 80-yearold woman delivering newspapers with her daughter, and then injuring a surfer. “I don’t want to use the word buffoonery, but it really is unbridled police lawlessness,” Robert Sheahen, the surfer’s lawyer, told the Los Angeles Times. “These people need training and they need restraint.”
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T“his is fucking cool, man, this is as cool as it gets,” a local activist is telling me on the phone. “It’s the coolest damn thing I’ve ever seen in 30 years of activism… Planning for this should start now.” I’m talking to self-described “media freak” Jim Goettler about low-power FM radio. Due to recent federal rule changes, Seattle could have up to eight new mini radio stations in the next few years, each broadcasting for miles on just 100 watts—the power of a lightbulb. And a cadre of media activists in Seattle is coming together to make sure this one-time-only opportunity doesn’t go to waste.
For example, Hollow Earth Radio, which runs their online-only radio station out of a Central District storefront with volunteer DJs, would love to get on the old-fashioned radio dial, and they see low-power FM as a perfect opportunity. “I’m excited about all the collaborations in the future and the different kinds of media that will come out of it,” Hollow Earth cofounder Garrett Kelly tells me via e-mail. Same with 206 Zulu, which runs the locally produced hiphop show Zulu Radio on KBCS once a week but sees promise in helping to run an independent station. Kitty Wu from 206 Zulu says, “We’ve been talking about bringing a radio station here for a long time.”
This all results from the Local Community Radio Act, introduced by US senator Maria Cantwell and signed into law in 2011, which requires the Federal Communications Commission to allow more low-power radio operators. In October, the FCC will open a filing window for people to apply for low-power FM (LPFM) licenses, which permit a station to broadcast at 100 watts for noncommercial purposes. For the first time—and likely the last, given how full the FM dial already is—these stations will be available in urban areas.
In Seattle, there’s space for about eight new stations, each broadcasting over a radius of about three miles in our hilly, skyscraper-filled city terrain. But they could have even farther reach: LPFM licensees will be allowed to own relay stations that rebroadcast their content, meaning they could blanket much of the city. Media advocates say that if you want to apply in October, you should start planning now.
But why would you want to get an oldfashioned radio station, when you could just run one on the internet or record podcasts?
I ask Sabrina Roach, who’s worked in publicinterest media for more than a decade. “Radio is so much less expensive to produce” than other kinds of mainstream media, like TV, she points out, and it reaches a lot of people. This is an opportunity “for more people to own actual licenses.” That is, Hollow Earth Radio, which started in an attic and has shows like Konspiracy Korner and OlympiYEAH!, would be right there on the dial next to NPR and Clear Channel’s Top 40 regurgitation.
And, on the consumer end, “a radio from Radio Shack is a lot less expensive than a MacBook,” says Roach. For all the ubiquity of the internet, there are large swaths of the population,
Dancing Costs Extra
Nightclub Owners Back Bill to End the Tax on Dance Floors
BY CIENNA MADRID
During a routine tax audit two years ago, Tractor Tavern owner Dan Cowan was hit with a retroactive $220,000 bill from the state’s Department of Revenue (DOR) for having a dance floor in his bar. The DOR, which audited several bars in Seattle in 2011
LOW POWER TO THE PEOPLE
The FCC Will License Up to Eight Underground Radio Stations in Seattle
BY ANNA MINARD
particularly low-income people, who don’t have easy access to broadband internet to stream audio.
From a media-justice perspective, that’s a huge deal. It means more diverse producers of content broadcasting to a more diverse audience. “Radio reaches people in their cars, while they’re doing dishes, while they’re doing chores,” Roach says. It’s an old medium, but it works incredibly well.
Since LPFM has so far been only in small towns and rural areas, it remains to be seen what it could do in the city. However, one station could offer a glimpse into Seattle’s future: KYRS in Spokane, a decade-old community station, started out as an LPFM station with an old tower they found in an alfalfa field and a swarm of volunteers. In 2011, they upgraded to full power.
Station manager Lupito Flores says they broadcast “everything under the sun, but we try not to duplicate what’s already on Spokane radio.” That means little to no religious or country music. Instead, they have locally produced radio shows in multiple languages, shows aimed at African American, Native American, and Iranian American communities, a show produced and hosted by elementary school kids, a poetry show, and music from punk to hiphop to experimental. There’s a lot of money and a lot of support for LPFM in Seattle, too. Roach currently works for Brown Paper Tickets, which, as part of their community outreach program, is pushing to support LPFM by helping potential applicants learn the rules and find funding. When Roach looked into grants and matching funds in Seattle and King County that could be used to start LPFM stations, she identified an astonishing $9 million from places like 4Culture and
JAMES YAMASAKI
and collected upwards of $300,000, says it has enforced the tax since the 1970s. But longstanding members of the Seattle Nightlife and Music Association (SNMA) say otherwise.
“I’ve never dealt with it in my life,” says Cowan, who managed to get the crippling amount down to $91,000 on appeal. “I’m taking it from my retirement.”
A bill introduced in the state senate’s Ways and Means Committee last week would prevent nightclubs and bars with dance floors from being slapped with the 9.5 percent tax on ticket sales and cover charges for most live music events. SB 5613, introduced by Senator Ed Murray (D-Seattle), would clarify that the
The potential feels almost limitless—just think of eight little KEXPs.
Seattle’s Office of Arts & Cultural Affairs. But some of the deadlines for these funds are as early as March. As part of her outreach, Roach is hosting a series of workshops and information sessions through winter and spring, helping potential applicants pull together the necessary resources—lawyers, engineers, business plans, fundraising plans. (Check out her work at community.brownpapertickets. com/Doers/radio.html.)
The potential feels almost limitless—just think of eight little KEXPs. In the course of reporting this story, people kept reminding me that KEXP started as a 10-watt station that couldn’t even broadcast past the UW campus, and now, as Roach points out, “they have global reach, because of the strength of their programming.” n
Underground squirrel DJ news at THESTRANGER.COM/SLOG
sales tax, which broadly applies to activities like skiing, bowling, and golf, should not be applied to venues that charge covers for “the opportunity to dance.”
Bars pay an extra 9.5 percent tax on tickets.
The bill has only four sponsors and hasn’t yet been scheduled for a hearing, which doesn’t speak to wide support. And while Republicans usually hate to pass up a tax cut, it could still be viewed as a free pass for
Seattle clubs.
That said, Jazzercise businesses successfully lobbied for an exemption several years ago, and the SNMA is teaming up with the Recording Academy and the Washington State Arts Alliance to lobby legislators this year. “I’ve met with the stakeholders and ask they build a network of businesses outside of Seattle to tell their stories to their legislators,” says Murray. “That is the only way it will pass.” Local music promoter Dave Meinert thinks he can find support from unlikely allies. “The DOR wants to tax line dancing,” he says. “I think we’ll get the bipartisan support we need to pass this.” n
With Drones Dead, Seattle Should Nix Surveillance Cameras on Alki
Mayor Should Follow Up One Smart Move with Another
BY DOMINIC HOLDEN
The city’s aerial drones were an increasingly thorny issue for Mayor Mike McGinn, who is seeking reelection this year. Under the mayor’s watch, the Seattle Police Department had obtained the two unmanned helicopters without the city council’s authorization. And although the surveillance drones would ostensibly increase public safety, the police never proved they were particularly useful, while concerns about the city spying on its own citizens further frayed public relations with an embattled police department.
So Mayor McGinn was smart to ground the drones last Thursday. As The Stranger first reported, McGinn agreed to send the two tricycle-sized helicopters with mounted cameras, which were originally purchased for $41,000 each through a federal grant, back to the vendor. “Today I spoke with Seattle police chief John Diaz, and we agreed that it was time to end the unmanned aerial vehicle program so that SPD can focus its resources on public safety and the community-building work that is the department’s priority,” McGinn said in a statement.
One of the drone program’s loudest critics, the ACLU of Washington, was quick to “applaud the mayor’s action.”
“I think this a classic example of the government getting out ahead of people, doing something because of federal funding without having public involvement and now
SOURCES SAY
• The Associated Press issued a controversial memo Tuesday setting different standards to describe people in gay and straight marriages. “Generally AP uses couples or partners to describe people in civil unions or same-sex marriages,” said the memo from the AP’s Tom Kent and Dave Minthorn. While it’s acceptable to call two married women “wives” or married men “husbands” in a quote, the AP apparently thinks that’s inappropriate otherwise. “I’m in shock,” says Equal Rights Washington marriage equality director Josh Friedes, who says the term husband or wife should apply equally “For the AP to use different standards for same-sex married couples and heterosexual married couples is flagrant discrimination and undermines the legal and social equality we have labored for decades to achieve.”
• Citing our state’s constitutional “paramount duty” to amply provide for the education of our children, house Republican members have filed HB 1788—“The Safe Schools Act”—authorizing teachers to carry guns in school. Because house Republicans members are fucking crazy
• After taking heat from right-wing blowhards for sponsoring a bill to remove gender-specific language in Washington State law, Senator Jeanne Kohl-Welles (D-Seattle) hit back most eloquently, pointing out that her bill wastes neither time nor money. Further, she explained,
recognizing that it has to pull back,” says ACLU spokesman Doug Honig.
The new policy came largely in response to an angry hearing the day before, held by Seattle City Council member Bruce Harrell, who was considering legislation to restrict the use of the drones, and is also running for mayor. But Harrell, who chairs the city’s public safety committee, shouldn’t be afraid to keep pushing a bill that will restrict or ban drone use in Seattle. If neither McGinn nor Harrell wins, the next mayor could implement a drone program, and it makes sense to put restrictions on the books.
Even still, Harrell and McGinn should go further.
As the ACLU’s Honig points out, another fight remains: Nine new surveillance cameras began showing up on Alki late last month.
As West Seattle Blog first reported, these are the first of 30 cameras to be used in a new surveillance program that will stretch to the freeway. Honig says this is “another example
30 cameras could record activity in West Seattle.
of a surveillance program driven by federal funding and accepted by city leaders without discussion or input.”
Pressed for comment, the mayor acknowledged that this too would need more consideration. “The system will not be operated until a thorough public vetting of the system has been completed and the public has provided input,” McGinn said.
Unless the city can prove that these cameras actually make Seattle safer, yanking them from our streets wouldn’t be just good policy, it will be good politics. And McGinn and Harrell would have another hot potato off their hands during campaign season. n
“if society’s gender history were reversed, I wonder how many men today would feel comfortable being called a ‘firewoman,’ ‘policewoman,’ or ‘fisherwoman.’” Touché, senator.
• Fair-and-balanced Seattle Times reporter Lynn Thompson is the poster child of a political campaign. Literally. Which may seem odd, considering that the paper claims its news coverage is neutral on politics. Thompson, who covers city hall, appears on the front of a new brochure for the University of Washington Alumni Association’s political advocacy wing, UW Impact, which conducts grassroots lobbying that targets state lawmakers to fund the UW. “It’s a campaign to support public funding for higher education,” Thompson says of the admirable advocacy position. “I don’t cover higher education.”
• Several people are offended by signs in the window of Cavalry Fellowship in Mountlake Terrace announcing the youth group’s “Ethnic Month,” with “Black Nite,” “Scandanvian [sic] Nite,” and “Oriental Nite” and a call to “celebrate and mock the differences.” Church youth pastor Craig Finley explained by e-mail: “As a sort of poke in the eye to the over pc sensitivity to stuff like this, we’re having some fun celebrating the different ethnic cultures.” Finley also pointed out that he’s Filipino.
• This is your scheduled reminder that Matthew Duran and Katherine Olejnik are still in federal detention in SeaTac without having been charged—much less convicted—of any crimes. They’ve been in prison since September for not answering questions from federal prosecutors, and since a few days after Christmas, they’ve both been held in solitary confinement. n
Photo: Chrissie White & Clara Pathe featuring Coriolis Dance Collective
Joyful Joinings
How Much Pot Does Washington Need?
The State Is Trying to Figure Out How Much We’ll Smoke
BY BEN LIVINGSTON
How much legal pot will the Washington State market demand? This is the main question the state will assign to its new cannabis consultant, who will advise the liquor board on matters of cannabis production, processing, and testing.
Curious and (coincidentally) legally high, I wondered how smart people might approach this question. The obvious solution to me— hire a polling company—was also obvious to people who weren’t high. “That’s funny, we’re bidding on that contract,” responded Ian Stewart from EMC Research before politely declining my request for an interview. He imagined every local polling firm was also bidding on the contract.
Before Initiative 502 passed in November, the state’s Office of Financial Management (OFM) estimated that we’d require 85 million grams per year to start our legal cannabis industry. That number is based on 360,000 adults imbibing 117 times per year at two grams a toke—extrapolations based on national survey data and a UN report. That’s more than half an ounce for every adult Washingtonian.
The state needs a reliable figure so it can
Unproven Horrors
DUIs Remain Unchanged After Legalization, Despite Warnings from Activists
BY DOMINIC HOLDEN
Last week, at a hearing of the state house’s Public Safety Committee, several crime experts testified that DUIs have remained unchanged since voters passed Initiative 502, which both legalized pot and established a cutoff for drivers of five nanograms of THC per milliliter of blood. Granted, only two months have gone by since the voters passed the legalization law—so things could change. More DUIs could crop up. But it hasn’t happened yet. At this point, the doomsday predictions of those people who claimed Initiative 502 would swiftly imprison every pot smoker for marijuana DUIs appear bogus.
“Despite what some people have been saying, there has been no increase in ‘green DUIs’ coming into the courthouses, nor any increase in the number of blood samples for THC coming to the state toxicology lab,” state representative Roger Goodman (D-45),
issue enough licenses to growers. If it gets this wrong, legal pot stores could run dry.
Dr. Dominic Corva, politics faculty at Sarah Lawrence College, said the OFM’s methodology is imperfect, but “there is no other credible way to do this.” The task distills to correctly estimating users, frequency, and grams.
“To suggest that two grams is an average use seems laughable,” remarks cannabis researcher Dr. Michelle Sexton. Her patients reported a typical use as one hit, around onetenth of a gram.
Pot surveys also have inherent flaws, said cannabis expert Dr. Sunil Aggarwal, because some people lie about illegal drug use. He advised, “The best way to estimate population use is to sample sewers for metabolites and back-calculate how much must have been collectively consumed.” Shitty methodology—but it could work.
The state estimates we’ll need 85 million grams per year.
Whatever numbers our cannabis consultant plugs into the pot equation, he or she must address two things omitted by OFM: consumption of pot food and the oncoming wave of cannabis tourists. With more annual visitors than citizens, Washington State can expect half a million out-of-towners chillin’ on our grass. n
who chaired the hearing, said by e-mail. He added, “Testimony from prosecutors and defense counsel predicted that the five nanogram limit will rarely be used to obtain DUI convictions.”
“There has been no increase in ‘green DUIs.’”
Dr. Fiona Couper, the state toxicologist whose lab examines every sample for pot DUI charges, said it’s too early to make a final analysis, but “there doesn’t appear to be a significant increase at all at this stage.” Likewise, assistant city attorney Rachel Cormier Anderson said, “I-502 hasn’t changed much.” And Amy Freedheim of the King County Prosecutor’s Office concurred—her office charged pot DUI cases before the initiative passed, and they continue to. “We look at the totality of an incident,” added Freedheim, citing the circumstances of the crash and condition of the driver, not just the THC levels in drivers.
Of course, the medical marijuana activists who opposed I-502 on these grounds never had science on their side. n
You MaY n ow Kiss the Bride and the o ther Bride and the other Bride and the o ther g roo M
Why Poly Marriage Is Never Going to Happen
If you’ve ever observed a debate about same-sex marriage, then you’ve heard this argument: If we let gay people marry, the next bump on the slippery slope to the Total Collapse of Society is polyamorous marriage.
To hear right-wingers tell it, you’d think there was an army of groupmarriage revolutionaries howling at the barricades to overthrow our single-spouse oppressors. Seattle has a large polyamorous community (including me!). So perhaps you’re wondering: Now that we have same-sex marriage, is it only a matter of time before King County executive Dow Constantine is signing marriage licenses for trios and quartets? It would certainly test the mettle of wedding planners, wouldn’t it? I’m thinking Costco would be THE place for people doing multipack marriage to register for gifts.
But hold on a sec. For starters, polymarriage organizers would have to agree on a precise definition of what, exactly, poly marriage even is. Explaining the flowcharts and Venn diagrams of poly relationships can be trickier and take longer than a play-byplay of naked Twister. And you can’t just engrave “It’s Complicated” on tasteful ivory card stock and mail it off to however many sets of in-laws. So how would you define it? Is poly marriage a system where a set group of people enter into an all-with-all marriage as a fixed-size unit? Or would it perhaps be a system of marrying only one spouse at a time, but having the right to enter into additional marriages concurrently? Or something else entirely? No matter how you phrased it, any workably pithy legal definition would necessarily exclude certain configurations of people. And poly people get uncomfortable at the idea of excluding people—it reminds us unpleasantly of monogamy. So that’s a problem.
But let’s say the poly community comes up with a way of defining “poly marriage.” Then comes the price tag: It costs five bucks to file an initiative, but persuading voters to change the law in favor of poly marriage would take a lot of skillful and extremely expensive political marketing. How many gay/lesbian bars have I been to where a drag queen or a leather daddy had a microphone in hand and was working the tipsy crowd like a carnival barker for marriage-equality donations? Too many to count. Unfortunately, poly people are not oppressed enough to have our own bars. We only
BY Mistress Matisse
have potlucks, and no one drinks very much at those (although I have very much wanted to on the few occasions I attended one). I shudder at the idea of Obama-esque daily emails from Poly Marriage Now begging me for money. But fundraising infrastructure is key—and queers have it, poly people don’t.
Perhaps I’m not the only poly activist who sees what a Sisyphean task this would be, because when I asked around poly networks about it, I heard… crickets. Oh, occasionally a poly activist dreams out loud about poly marriage on a blog, but no one in Washington State is doing anything serious at all to bring about poly marriage. That must surprise the right-wing types—they were certain that by now we’d be on a federally funded high-speed train to Sodom and Gomorrah. But you know who it doesn’t surprise? Me. I’m a polyamorous person who has never yearned for poly marriage.
Does that sound unromantic? It’s not. My whole adult life, I’ve actively pursued the wisdom and skills to sustain multiple romantic relationships, and I’m pretty good at it. But no matter what you do, it ain’t all rainbows and
unicorns. I think romantic love that leads to deep, committed relationships is wonderful. But the romance of filing a group tax return? I’ll pass. The legal aspects aside, I’ve never been interested in sharing a household with more than one person. Frankly, even one person is a bit much sometimes. I appreciate cozy
You can’t just engrave “It’s Complicated” on tasteful ivory card stock and mail it off.
domestic intimacy as much as a monogamous girl, but I’m an introvert who requires blocks of time alone. And one of the things I have always loved about being poly is knowing I can turn to my partner and say, without a shred of compunction, “Darling, I love you, but why don’t you go see your other girlfriend for a while?” That’s harder to do when the other girlfriend lives with you. Multiple-partner cohabitation always seemed to me like it would
I HEART KLEMTARO ♥♥ When you aren’t pissing me off, we get along okay, which is the only thing staving off terrible loneliness/unending depression. You’re the best, babe
MY JUSTINFACE! ♥♥ Every day you make me laugh and you make me smile. I love you and am so happy you are my Valentine. Crushy- crushes and Kisses! Stephanies P.S.###!!!
have all the usual relationship difficulties, plus less closet space, more scheduling headaches, and definitely more emotional processing. I am not alone in my opinion. When I remarked to a poly friend that I was writing about this topic, he quipped wryly, “Oh, right. Poly marriage: When sustaining one happy marriage just isn’t challenging enough for you!”
My other reason for being leery of poly marriage? A close brush with poly divorce. You see, I lived with a partner in a polyamorous relationship for 12 years. He and I were happy and well-suited to each other—we were both active in the poly community, we both had long-term relationships with other partners throughout that time, and lots of people thought we had this poly thing all nailed down. We thought we did, too—for a while. We broke up about a year ago.
It was just as awful as breakups always are, but I dodged a bullet in one crucial matter: Two years before we broke up, my ex told me he wanted to buy a new house with me— and his other partner. He wanted all three of us to live together in a house we’d own collectively. I seriously considered the idea—he was my committed partner, I got along very well with his other girlfriend, and I knew it would have made him happy. But in the end, I was too uneasy about the challenges of this sort of secular sister-wives arrangement. My refusal was a pivotal issue in the demise of our relationship. My partner’s dream of a group poly household had become more important to him than I was, so I left. Now, a mortgage isn’t a marriage license—although I probably could have gotten a divorce faster and cheaper than I could have sold one-third of a house. But I’m extremely glad now that I didn’t make a legal and financial commitment to two other people that I would have had to dissolve while going through an intense emotional upheaval with one of them.
No matter who you are, love is complicated. Anyone who thinks poly marriage is what all poly people want hasn’t met many poly people, because groups of poly partners living together long-term is actually not that common. Of all my polyamorous friends, I can count on one hand the households where multiple partners have all happily cohabitated for many years. If you can find one person to love and live happily with your whole life, you’re doing very well. The odds of finding two, and having all of you want to commit to each other and live together forever? Roughly like hitting the polyamory Powerball. But being in love doesn’t have to include a ring or a big white cake. To be polyamorous is to let your heart grow to hold many loving relationships that come in different shapes and sizes. Once you’ve learned to do that, why would you try to squeeze it back down into a pattern built for two? n
Mistress Matisse is a professional dominatrix who writes about BDSM, polyamory, and sex work. Follow her on Twitter @mistressmatisse.
Comment on this story at thestranger.coM
HEY SEXY BIKE GIRL! ♥♥ Vancouver was rad. I can’t wait for Portland. I would ride bikes with you anywhere. Then make out with you everywhere. Happy Valentines day Ali, xo HELICOPTERHELICOPTER ♥♥ MAS,Happy Valentines Day sweetheart! You mean so much to me. Words can’t describe how much I love you! You are the bestest! ;)wigglewigglereachround MY CRUSHY-CRUSH ♥♥ I like that you are nice to me. Even though I am selfish and always biting your head. I love you, but I’m just so hungry.
GRACIE AWESOME ♥♥ You’re more awesome than a cat-possum or a puppy eating a worm! You opened the door to my heart. I love you baby.
XOXOXO
JOEYBLACKFOOTMYBOO ♥♥ My sweetest oneandonly, my friend, mylove, my wolfie, my beaniestboo. I will always be your valentine. Let me feedyou icecream in the bathtub!? ILUVU!
ATTN: HIGH SOPRANO!! ♥♥ Thank you for another year of wonderful music! I’m very proud of you, and I love you, bunny!
♥♥ You are my sunshine Abby! The world is a brighter place because you are in it!
BABY BABY <3 ♥♥ Mel B To me you are the cats pajamas. MEOW Looking forward to whispering sweet nothings to your ear en espanol! Another 1000 million and beyond <3 GIORGIO MY HEART ♥♥ Display your love by your carress’, tenderness, and soft kiss. A delicious Smile we exchange & our eyes glitter warm rays. Your love captures me. X S FUZZY BUTT ♥♥ Hey you! Your face...I love it and pie.
LAZY OL’ LEE PEE ♥♥ I love you-your brown balls-your snoring-and your sarcasm more than I love coffee-or booze-or Bukowski poems. In case you didn’t know - that’s a lot. SAIL AWAY WITH ME! ♥♥ Oh captain my co-captain. Sail away with me--my heart is in your hands!
SIMONE SHIN
Pin-Up Studio
SHMOO!
♥♥ With your selection of sauces, I know who the boss is, and burrito it’s you.
RAAKHI OF CANINDIA! ♥♥ Sexy CanIndian of the North, we’ve conquered many countries. I’ve laid you down on the soft sands of the Moroccan Sahara. I want to do you on the moon
MR. FISH ♥♥ I’m blown away, daily, at how amazing you are. I couldn’t be more excited to marry you, my awesome hangout homie. -Little Fish.
DEAR CACTUS FLOWER ♥♥ I cherish every awkward moment we share together and look forward to a lifetime of more. I will forever love you to the moon and back! -Oldtimer SHAKE IT SNUGGERIE! ♥♥ You jigged onto my heart and loins 2 1/2 years ago. We’ve been Hoot’n’Hollerin’ it ever since. We are an awesome couple. I adore you Soulmate McPatez. HEY DAN! ♥♥ WILL YOU MAKE ME A QUESADILLA?
J.E.C. ♥♥ Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but I just have to tell you, I love your voice. <3 NACHOSONLYALWAYSHOT ♥♥ Bear bear, marrying you last summer was the best decision I ever made! Let’s spoon forever xxx Love, your Hyphy Wifey
MUFFIN BOSOM ♥♥ I love you like a fat kid loves cake. Would you light my candle? PUNCH IN THE FACE ♥♥ Holiday or not, any day is a good day to call someone who loves and misses talking to you. With love, building a “new” relationship will be easy:)
I LOVE DR. DUB ♥♥ Thank you for marrying me. I love our family more than words can say.
- Your Pickle
BEAUTY PEANUT DELUXE ♥♥ Kitten STILL loves Lou! I cant wait to marry you for real, not just on the cover of The Stranger. You are my showbiz beauty peanut of all times.
DEAR BURPY HOOVES ♥♥ I want to take this free V-Day space to celebrate the most important thing we share: I have a butt. Love, Stinkie Pie
MY DEAR BOOBEAR ♥♥ I know u long for AWD & snow U took care of 1 & I’ll take care of 2, so For u I have something in store Go find the red box hidden behind the door
<3<3<3SANTINO<3<3<3 ♥♥ Godfuckingdamnit
I love you! Haha, I am stoned right now. -R
MY SWEET SCOUSER XXX ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s Day to my best friend. How lucky I am to be your wife. xoxo
LAURA ♥♥ I love you and it’s going to be okay.
SYMBIOTIC LOVERAR ♥♥ To the extraneous, code interfacing w/me in this simulation-life.
While destined to be lost in time, space& meaning, in this blurb our love is found.
MY GINGER MANHUSBAND ♥♥ Thank you for making your arms (and Seattle) my place to rest. I dreamt of marrying you for half my life. Thank you for making my dream come true!
PICKLES/BAT ♥♥ cls;; powerful human, you’ve built skyscrapers, bridges, tunnels in my landscape. four years down, ten billion to go. this love remains fierce;; alprc
YOU SEXY MOTHAFUCKA! ♥♥ R, I’m so madly in love with you! I’m going to give you the world’s best V-Day Crotch Rub. You’re the greatest bf on the planet, I adore you. Love D PLINK! TA-DA! ♥♥ A magic-wand could change many things; loved ones, friends, fortunes... even turn back time, but never my love for you.
Whoa-Whoa-Whoa Stop the Clock!!!
better than your dreams. Happy Valentine’s Day Baby! I LoVe YoU! Mrs. Ck VALENTINE 4 COLLEENY ♥♥ I love you baby!! U make me ridiculously happy every day. Let’s get the f out of here and walk on the beach...after banging on the sand ;) Love, L0Bby FROM HERE TO THERE ♥♥ I can’t wait to experience new experiences with you, friend new friends, and laugh new laughs! We have much to do, my best friend, I love you always.
MAYAMOO ♥♥ Oh my lovely sister maya. I love you soo much and I miss you. I am so happy to have you as my sister. Love, Clair.
SEATTLE’S TOP CHEF! ♥♥ I’m your kitchen bitch, the fauna to your Flora. I go GaGa over you as you hold the Keys to my heart. Only you can score on my (Ben Folds) Five hole!
JH <3 CC ♥♥ I like kissing you even if your mustache sometimes gets in the way.
LOVE MY BUDS! ♥♥ To all my friends, new and old, you make my heart happy! Cheers to another year of adventures! xo, Erin! THANKS FOR 10 YEARS! ♥♥ You are the best thing that has ever happened to me(other than Bilbo). I kid I kid! Love you dear! Here is to 10 more years!
MY HANDSOME MAN ♥♥ Trenten- I would be happy spending the rest of my life singing Adele and eating ramen with you. I wanna dance with you forever. - Toasty Bread BICYCLE ROMANCE ♥♥ All I wanna do is ride bikes with you and maybe spoon...love you Tom SPARKLES! ♥♥ I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Your beard would make any lady go weak at the knees. Fact. Have an amazing Valentine’s Day! From, EC
<3 *~MY BB BRYN~* <3 ♥♥ MY <3 IS A FLUTTER! WE WILL LIVE W/ EACH UTTER! AND EAT LOTS OF BUTTER! NO
RIGOBERTO, MY LOVE ♥♥ I love you more with every passing day and cannot wait to begin our next adventure together. You are my sunshine!
CHIBO GA DAI SUKI. ♥♥ Watashitachi wa kumatachi dakara, isshoni kuma no sekkai ni sundeiru. Kimi kara, ureshiku natteirun da. Itsumo kimi koto wo kangaetteomotteiru yo.
TO ANNA ♥♥ My soothsaying, superhero scientist. I love you. Thanks for a great eight months, and for all your quirks, grace and general hotness. - Mark KML ~ ♥♥ I love you so fucking much. real.
TTYLOX ♥♥ Sometimes I want to crawl inside of your body so I can make out with your guts. Especially your liver, I love that guy. WHY, DANA? ♥♥ I was so excited when you broke up with Tanny-Boy. Now it’s Mark Z. When will you make time for our guaranteedto-be platonic love?!? Love, T TWAN TWAN ♥♥ I am really thankful we were able to become amicable. Next step?
KATY <3<3<3 BRYAN ♥♥ function TRUE_ LOVE { amount = 100; while (i_still_live == True) { print(‘I love you Bryan you’re my everything’); amount *= infinity } return amount }
FULL WING SPAN ♥♥ Love you forever, cherish you always, never to forsake....full wingspan. Love, Your Moonface
SUPERMAN SONIC! ♥♥ A REAL Superman is like water- strong but yielding, with a gentle heart. I love knowing you. Let’s laugh & play Light as a Feather as often as we can!
TO MY PINTO BEAN ♥♥ Thank you for sharing your life with me. You rock my world and my body every single day. Now let’s go find the puppy of our dreams, hot stuff.
just lay here and be cool be cool ice cold, but what if shes what if shes if shes the one?
HEY LITTLE BIRD ♥♥ When you sing, I dance, and I only want to harmonize with you. Thank you for being such an amazing bright light in my life. I love you, little bird! TO MY PIE, WITH LOVE ♥♥ Pie, You are so much more than I ever imagined I’d find. Let’s be together forever and always. xxoxXx, Sugar XTINA ♥♥ I want to
BIRD ♥♥ When you sing, I dance, and I only want to harmonize with you. Thank you for being such an amazing bright light in my life. I love you, little bird! HEY LITTLE BIRD ♥♥ When you sing, I dance, and I only want to harmonize with you. Thank you for being such an amazing bright light in my life. I love you, little bird!
ELISA THE DISGUSTING ♥♥ I wish I were always near enough to draw your second-hand breaths to make up for the co2 you kindly take away from me
TO MY BURGER-HUSBAND ♥♥ I am so happy to have shared so many adventures this year with you and can’t wait to get the next one started! I love you, jerky! Love, your monoloco WELCOME 2 HELL BITCH ♥♥ Going on 10 and three quarters and couldn’t be happier!
MR. EK ♥♥ You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally
EMMETT ♥♥ Don’t Get Eaten By Bears EIUS YOU’RE THE BEST ♥♥ You make me happy every day, and we just keep getting better. Love, Spoons MY BRIT. ♥♥ You are my absolute favorite. Never ever forget that you are meant to spend the rest of your life married to a madwoman. I love your face. Good story!
JAMES BROWN MUGSHOT ♥♥ I love you in the morning and in the night. You are the best girl a guy could hope for, and that little monkey on your hip is pretty cute too.
TO MY MONKEY ♥♥ Our love has been ever lasting, like the redness on your buns. If only we could fix that. Maybe later, after the other monkey goes to bed. ♥ u
SWEETUMS ♥♥ This Valentine’s Day is better than all the rest because I have your ring on my finger. And because we get to see En Vogue. I love you. GUMMY BEAR
DOGBOARDING ♥♥ Spit it out, ya’ thievin’ bastard! :D You laugh at my jokes, and don’t kick me out of bed. I love you. :-*
HOW’S LIFE? ♥♥ @Ryan I threatend to come watch your Netflix before I even met you. So glad you invite me over now, despite my opening line. Happy V Day! Love, @ MsJen AND NOW THERE ARE 3? ♥♥ Whoa. Still not real to me, but so exciting to have our newly expanded family, and I can’t imagine going on this arrghventure with anyone but you.
LONG HAIR DON’T CARE ♥♥ I like making new friends, and I especially like that one of my newest friends is you. DRAGO-BIKEICORN POWER 4EVAH
YOU AND ME AND BABY ♥♥ (who will be a super-genius, BTW) are going to have such
fun this year. I’m so happy and lucky to be on this adventure with you. Yrs always, U MRS ROO! ♥♥ You are my life, my love, and the most rotten little thing in the world. I’m just a fucking damn lucky man. Now, let’s get you preggo.
SCHMIGELS! ♥♥ Oh Mackenzie, how I love you more than you know. Our lives have come so far, yet have so far to go -- together.
L4L -Tim w/keesers!
J-MINUS!! ♥♥ Because I don’t say it nearly enough, I love you even more than our night on the hill. Unicorns and kittens and 1,000,000 kisses forever! xoxo, c.
DEAREST FLAMING HOMO ♥♥ I licked your face, fell in love, but that doesn’t give you the right to draw a vagina on my leg cast. Forever yours and love you anyways, Jenna
6RRL 6VN6 I<3U ♥♥ Let’s go build a planet all our own. You’re the only people I need on it. And maybe one little dog.
I HOPE YOU NEVER DIE ♥♥ I can’t think of a better candidate for Highlanderesqe immortality. You are beautiful, brave, creative, and kind. There can be only one. It’s you Ali.
EMRH SHOOGAH COOKIE ♥♥ Me wuvs you
EMRH wifey.
AS YOU WISH... ♥♥ nicholas, pickolas, sherman, and kermin. of all the things i could call you, the best thing is mine. i love you, nicholas henry! (beyond the sea!)
TO MY RED PLANET ♥♥ Marshall what a treats its been to love you, i feel lucky &blessed to look back on my life &know that we were on our way to eachother this whole time
BAX- PRIMARY BABY ♥♥ Seven years, a wedding and kid after our illicit SxSW hook up, you’re sexier than the day we met. I can’t wait to see what happens next. Love Chris LOVE YOU OSCAR! ♥♥ Will you be my Valentine? You are my sweetheart. Love Jenny CAPLIN + ROO! ♥♥ I love you with all of my heart, Caplin! You bring me joy every day of my life. Our first year of marriage was wonderful, here’s to many, many more!!!
COOTIE PIE <3 ♥♥ so happy to have another VDay with you, cheers to our further adventures! I love you so much <3, -M HEY ANNABEAR ♥♥ I’ll fry your chicken or flip your pancakes any day. I love you.
DESERT TO DESERT ♥♥ You are the love of my life and I would leave one desert for another any time in order to share my life with you. But thank god we made it to Seattle.
A CAVEMAN’S WALK... ♥♥ ...and a poet’s talk. No one would ever guess that a guy that ripped could be so gentle. Thank you for having faith in us even when I didn’t. <3 u NGL
HELICOPTER DICK ♥♥ Dinners, movies, rolls in the hay Our time together brings me such pleasure Spooning at night - long walks in the day, I love our life, I love you.
MOM YOU’RE THE BEST! ♥♥ If you want to move in with me, save on rent, I’m fine with it. The toilet is fixed. I promise to clean up the dog hair. You cook. Love, your eldest FOR ANH ♥♥ Like Busta Rhymes I’ll turn from knight to chromy sperm in liquid flight. I’ll join you on your purple planet. Please, will you be my Jackson (Janet)?
TO CHARLES ♥♥ For the memories of songs past, and the dreams of dachshunds present and future. For broken ju(k)es and make me fries. For everything. - your Alicia CRITTER ♥♥ I love you the most. I belong with you, you belong with me, you’re my sweetheart. Buhbay too.
KATE, WE ARE JUAN ♥♥ Oh baby, you show me truth,giggle with/at me for hrs, sex me proper,gaze deeply into my eyes & show me that you love me. I adore you. Love, J HEY PIXEL ♥♥ I love you. So. Frickin’. Hard.
Damn.
<3 MVP <3 ♥♥ The past 2 years have been amazing and thank you for two amazing birthday parties. I love you with all my heart.
BREAKING IN A COUCH ♥♥ We’re living together! Things keep getting better and I want to gnaw on yer butt more than ever (in a non-bath salts kind of way). XOXO
STILL IN MY HEART ♥♥ Through almost 19 years, you have been first and last, the alpha and omega of my existence. You still are. I love you. Would you please come home?
mind if we play all night... He told me to lock up & jump you. I wanna mess with your hair & kiss you for days. 1st move?
OLYVIA <3’S JUSTIN ♥♥ I just wanted to say I love you. I always will. Even though you fart and smell like onion sometimes. Meow meow-Love, Apple and Meowzilla TO THE BEST MAMA! ♥♥ Dear Malaika- We love our 3-peas-in-a-pod family, and would never choo-choo-choose anything else. Love you bunches! XOXO, -Hazel & Kevin
FOR MY SLOW BABE ♥♥ thanks for watching harry potter bi-weeky with me, drinking fuzzy water with me and napping with me. i think you’re pretty cute.
I <3 ASPARAGUS BOY! ♥♥ Allo! My Love! Life is so sweet with you. I am so glad we found each other....in the “ghettoest dive bar in Renton” it’s all uphill now! Love, Bamber YOU ARE MY FAVORITE. ♥♥ Steve, if my love for you was $1 when we first met, that would be like $2,643,059 today. Thank you for the last year of awesome & many more to come.
**HAZELNUT’S DADDY** ♥♥ We are so incredibly lucky to have you in our lives. Thanks for your half of Hazel, wonderful genes she got! You are an amazing father & husband. Xoxo
OLYOLY COCK SET FREE ♥♥ Sry Ive been grouchy lately. Hope our new puss puss helps. Either way I want to try new food, hikes & music wit u this year. Still luv marriage-jnorm
DEAR SCOOTER, ♥♥ Scoot scoot scoot! You’re too cute! Seriously though, I love you sooo much, you mean everything to me!
SPARKLES ♥♥ Laying around in bed eatin candy with you is all I ever want to do. I love you babe. Never stop sparkling.
I LOVE TODOBOT ♥♥ My sweet Todd, thank you for loving this crazy lady. Engagement has been great, looking forward to the next big thing. All my love, your gal, Andrea
BUMBLE BEE ♥♥ To my sweet Melissa, will you BEE my Valentine? Can’t wait to TAP THAT ASS!!!
DEAREST SOFIA, ♥♥ Thank you for being a friend. Your heart is true your a pal and a confidant.
TO MY KITTY! ♥♥ I love you <3
From Your Kitty
SWEET HUSBAND ♥♥ I was adrift and miserable until I met you. Still not sure where I’m going but with your company I’m finally enjoying the trip. Never jump ship, ‘k?
THX MOM’S BOYFRIEND ♥♥ For loving Mom and me despite our crazy hairdos. And also, thanks for all the
HI BRENTON ♥♥ I still love you like starfishes love high tide. xoxo
LOVE LONG & PROSPER ♥♥ Happy 30th Birthday tomorrow, Zak! I’m so happy that the universe has brought us together and kept us together. Here’s to the future. Love, Kalie
STEFANIE I LOVE YOU ♥♥ Your the best friend, the best spouse, and the best mother! Love you, Brent
YOU’RE MAGIC! ♥♥ Hi there, Fruitcup. I can’t wait to marry you later this year and be the King in the North! (...if you know what I mean.) I love you always.
MY TOPAZ ♥♥ Still..... Your
Tiger
GIRAFFE HUSBAND! ♥♥ Thank you for putting up with me and all my insanity. Last year sucked, but this year will be awesome. I love you and your malformed brain!
SEXY SARAH IS... ♥♥ ...all mine to feel, rub, lick, eat, and have my way with! Or is it the other way around? Am I the one in training? I really hope so! My cock is yours
live happily ever after. Love you! from, your gerb
<3 K & J <3 ♥♥ Thanks for making Poly love grand! Thanks for being great husbands. Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you both! -me BARRELS!!! ♥♥ Happy Valentines Day Andrew! I love you barrels! -Mary FOR MY BEANY V-DAY ♥♥ you fill my heart all up. i love you with a full heart. don’t ever stop.
HUSHPUPPY ♥♥ I’m ‘hooked on a feelin’, you’ve melted my heart, given me comfort, love, kindness, canoodles, mason jar/beard fantasies, and giggles. XOXO my Dearest
GENESEE & AYLER! ♥♥ I love you!! - JK/Daddy
BEAUTIFUL GIRL ♥♥ I love you and I always will! Happy Valentines day!
TO MY LESBIAN&JEW ♥♥ Thank you for holding my hand when I pee. I love you both. Sorry in advance for getting drunk and having loud anonymous sex on Valentine’s Day.
MYFAVORITEWEINER ♥♥ Emily, you make me so happy, and the time we share on the weekends is never enough! Be sure to get fancy for the 9th. Two words: La Boheme. Loveyou!!!
ELDAN, YOU’RE LOVELY ♥♥ I’ve known you for 9 amazing years. We have so much fun together and I still discover things new about you. Here’s to so many more, my favorite man!<3
PATSY ♥♥ I love you. Lets take acid and have a martini sometime. You are my best friend. I’m so glad I self tattooed your name on my body. Love, Eddy
GABE THE BABE!! ♥♥ LIFE WITH YOU IS MY DREAM COME TRUE.. SWOON.. SIGH.. I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE MINE!! MAY WE ALWAYS BE ONE; SOON IN THE SUN! LOVELOVE, YOUR ADORING HALF
**TO MY #1 NUBS** ♥♥ To celebrate, I’m thinking fish and wine, a bangin’ good time, corona with lime, and fried pickles in brine. Say you’ll be mine? Love for all time. LOVE YOU! ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s Day, Danielle! I love you and I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for us and Tatum! <3<3<3 COCO <3<3<3
OLD AND GRAY ♥♥ Rosinha, we’re getting older, & there’s more gray on our heads than 10 years ago. But I still can’t wait to love you when we’re even older and grayer.
FOR MY BENJAMIN ♥♥ You drive me so wild With all that chest hair and sports chat I love you, booboo
10 YRS OF VALENTINES ♥♥ Hi Jess, Thank you for joining me on this incredible journey. Ups, downs, rich and... I cherish our son, our lives, look forward to another 40.
WE MET @ BURNING MAN ♥♥ It started next to the Orgy Dome. You got me to FL then to VA. Thanks for being my poodle strudle and 4 marrying me. The adventures are just starting.
HOOT HOOT ♥♥ I am so glad that I leaned in and kissed after our first date. This past year has been a blur. Here’s to needing Viagra in the future!
MONKEY MONKEY MONKEY ♥♥ Happy Valentines’ Day Sugar Maple! From the slopes of Mauna Loa to the wilds of Ravenna Park, our love marches on. I love you! P.S. Go Ravens!
<3 CARLOS <3 ♥♥ bb i love it when you suck my peen and sit on my knob. want a puppy named wheat thin and a bubble bath pizza party for valentine’s day. luv, yur bb.
BE STILL, MY LARF <3 ♥♥ SugarBooger, SPANXXX for the best 52 months o m’life! Cunt wait to spend the next 652 scissoring on the couch while our chirruns look on in horror! <3
ADDICTED 2 UR KISSES ♥♥ Jess, I swear, you must sneak something into your lipstick cause I just can’t get enough. Let’s get drunk and watch Supernatural together! - Pat
SEXY..MY GIRL... ♥♥ You’re the cheese in my burrito, my little spoon, you make me blush and laugh, dream and hope. Our energy is incredible! I’m so silly for you baby..
CLASSIFIED SEXTION ♥♥ Sext: I send you an anonymous Valentine. I blush beneath my shroud. You’re titillated by mystery. “Who is this stranger?” you ask. I reply, “Exactly.”
FROZEN MARSHMALLOWS ♥♥ Carlos, today is not the pinnacle of my love for you. You are my wings, and I love learning to
fly with you. I am always your Rosie.
TO: TIM M ♥♥ Jukebox + Mecca ‘cause dive bars are great I do miss our breakfast dates Can’t we have another try? Say it wasn’t our ‘Last Goodbye’ -Corinne
2 MY LUFF ♥♥ HORSE HORSE HORSE LUV U U R GREAT N HOT HOT GLUE OH NEEEIIIGHH NOT THE GLU BUT THE GLU THAT HOLDS R HEARTS
5GETHA? OK HORSE APPROV
SIGNIFICANT OTTER ♥♥ here’s to aiming high for the next forty years. even in the choppiest water, there’s no one else i’d rather link paws with. keep close. <3.
TELL ♥♥
OZZY CAN U HEAR ME? ♥♥
Let’s celebrate by watching Toy Story 1, 2 and 3...I wonder if Buzz will make it back to Andy’s room? Love you and am so proud of everything you do.
I LOVE YOU KELLIE ♥♥ Happy
Valentines Day you are the love of my life and I want you forever
MY OTHER HALF ♥♥ poly we may be, but other women are mere trinkets compared to the diamonds and pearls that are you. I love you more with each passing year.
<3 <3 G+G <3 <3 ♥♥ It’s been another great year with you, sweetheart! We had an epic engagement adventure, and I can’t wait for the wedding. I love you <3 X, X. X, X. ORCAS ♥♥ February sun warms the wood. After the Constitution hike, calm, warm, close. Sprawled among sheets I knew you were the one. I still do, I love you. B
PRRL NRRCKLRCE ♥♥ grrl, i’m gonna take you out to the olive garden then wear you like a hat. maybe even give you some more jeeewwwrrry.... love you, baby doll. -L
TO MY FAVE D-BAG ♥♥ That you love me is the only thing you don’t have to explain. Or at least I won’t roll my eyes and say ‘oh my god, I KNOW.’ You + me FOREVER!!!!!
MY LAST CURLEW ♥♥ Four years of loving you, three years of marriage and all of it delightfully kinky. I love your wicked mind and your body, El Jefe! Happy Lovers day!
PONDSCUM RANCH LOVE ♥♥
Dr Pondscum, thank you for stealing my heart, marrying me, and giving me 2 beautiful babies!!! Here’s to a lifetime of full hearts!
HEY RAINBOW. ♥♥ When things aren’t as perfect as they are now, just know I’ll do whatever it takes to be your man.
LOVE FROM SEATTLE... ♥♥ M, a special Valentine’s delivery from home. Love, J MEIN LIEBLING TOBI ♥♥ Everyday with you is a day that’s better than the last. I savor the moments we share together, and am so excited for our future. Love, Dein Schatz
PUT A BEARD ON IT! ♥♥ Craiggles! I would gay marry you any day of the week. Just don’t let me put my things down at RPLACE again! I will love you til the stars turn cold!
THE ONLY ONE ♥♥ If I could hold all of the stars in the night sky in the palm of my hand you would still be the only light I see.
I LOVE YOU SCHNOOKS ♥♥ I can’t believe how happy I am doing the thing I never thought
I would do with you! Let’s grow old and die together. But not for a very long time.
PAPITO... TE TELLE ♥♥ Te telle tu mami... You are the best. Que hariamos yo y el Chico sin ti? Sin tin, no podria dormir. Mi narizoncito! Como te telle tu mami!
FOR MY LOVE BUNS ♥♥ I love you tons and I’m so proud of you. The has been a rough year but I wouldn’t want to go through it with anyone else. You inspire me. Xoxo.
FOR MY SQUISHIE ♥♥ You have the most beautiful eyelashes I’ve ever seen on any mammal. I love you! Yours always, BunBun YOU ARE MY MOCHI! ♥♥ Yukari, Bambi, and Yogi, I love you. Lets get in a warm bowl of Udon together.
TO MY BOYS ♥♥ For the man who not only stands behind me but beside me, I love you more than you will ever know. To my funny little guys, Booba & Boogy, I love you!
HEY, LADY DOCTOR ♥♥ When the working day is over, let me run like a rabbit in your heart. Love you a hippopotamus.
JOHN TIMBLY WIMBLES ♥♥ Here’s to more hammocks, dances to nola gypsy jams, dive bars and QI together. You’ve always had all my love and admiration.
BEAN, FROM YOUR PUFF ♥♥
You are one fine piece of ass! LOVE!
BLEWISH ♥♥ Fuck the haters, you are my ride-or-die Jewish God. I love you, DLDG3, forever.
STRÄUSSCHEN ♥♥ Du magst diesen Quatsch nicht/ deshalb schreib ich’s mit Absicht/ damit
Du weisst es ist ganz leicht/ ist man verliebt in dich - Hey J, ich liebe Dich
TOOTALL4COUCHSEX ♥♥ I love your face and your beard. Also, your Bob Ross ass tattoo turns me on, there I said it!
18 YRS AND COUNTING. ♥♥
Dan, I love you. Always have. Always will. Even though Gore Vidal is now dead.
DAN: I ♥ YOUR FACE ♥♥ and your hair and your brain, your vocabulary and your skin and your boring books, your eyes and your waist and how you cuddle all the time. -R
MY BOOBSYDOOSICAL ♥♥
Even though the future isn’t any clearer now, no matter how far ahead I look there’s still you. I love you. Wanna play AOE?
DAME OF CAKE! ♥♥ you’re the bestest with the mostest and your smiling eyes get me every time. being your spouse-thing is an honor.
ROOSTY BIRD ♥♥ Your handsome feathers, strong protecting spurs and loving crows I adore more every day by your side. Cluckin on 5 years w/ my best friend and lover.
LUCKY ENOUGH ♥♥ We can’t be partners, but I’m still over the moon that we can be friends. Thank you.
JASON K & PIPPI ♥♥ Your penis butter biscuits make me feel real good!
JESSE F ♥♥ I miss you a tonthanks for being my best friend since forever ago even if we are several timezones apart.
WHO CAN LOVE YOU? ♥♥ To my Mexican Wrestler, your quiet sexy blows my mind every day. Thank you for trusting me with your heart. Yours in love, lust and trust--Your Nobody
“Suck
—GARY SHTEYNGART
Seattle. Anywhere we go we will be fine. We are a great pair the dreamer and the realist. Love you.
YOUR SKIN ♥♥ since you moved away I haven’t had the chance to tell you how feverishly I fell in love with you. I still burn, and always will. I miss your skin.
<3 MAGNETS <3 ♥♥ I love you Jeff, and I miss you. I wish you were still here to create my Stranger valentine. Remember that one time? Oh friend. Olive Juice.
MORMON+MATTY ♥♥ 2yrs ago I gave u ceiling stars, candle smores and faux fire sounds, u answered back w Portland fire. I’m sorry I messed up twice, I still miss u.
BABY BEAR ♥♥ I still love you all these years later. You are an awesome dad and a great husband. Glad we have made it this far.
PANCAKES! ♥♥ Laten we weer te eten pannenkoeken in Amsterdam, of we kunnen hebben pandekager, pannekoek, crêpe, pfannkuchen, palacsinta, neu crempog.
MY BIG MUSTANG TIGER ♥♥ I love you and I love lunch and brunch! You are the best valentine I could ask for! Now p p p p please get over here and snuggle me.
D.K.M. EVERYONE ♥♥ wants to be the sun that lights up your life. I’d rather be your moon, so can shine on you during your darkest hour when the sun isn’t around. Bean DAMNIT! JANET! ♥♥ To my favorite teacher, singer, dancer, bartender, horse haberdasher, and friend. Nothing makes me happier than seeing your face every day. Love, J.
TO MY THREE BOYS ♥♥ Dear R&R&Sos, You make our times together so special, whether cuddling infront of the fire or eating beef bones in the sunshine. Happy Valentine’s Day
ZIMZAMBLIMBLAM ILUVU ♥♥ BabyBoss is proof that we make beautiful babies and soon Stella will reconfirm that truth! I love our family and the life we’ve made together Zonkle!
HAPPY V-DAY FIANCE ♥♥ SEANIE! you are my teammate4life! Love you boo boo (insert ghost emoji here) I didn’t ‘planet’ this way, but I’m glad our worlds collided ;) WIFE RETURNS HOTTER! ♥♥ 4 months away you fool Driving me crazies Being home is so cool Time to make a babies
BUTTERNUT PARFAIT ♥♥ I cant wait to see you and your big ol’ onion in the gifts I bought you for V-Day. Lookin forward to a memorable V-Day weekend with you my love. ILY
BEST FRIEND ♥♥ Though we had our endless differences, you were my best friend, and I’ll always love you. You will forever have a special place in my heart.
BEAUTIFUL BOAT MAN ♥♥ You’re adorable, thoughtful, and kind. I’m thankful you like my jokes, my dog, and all my weirdness-can’t wait to ride bikes to sunset destinations!
BABUS! ♥♥ You’re so wonderful. So honored to be your first Valentine. I love you. xxO
MY SWEET ONE ♥♥ You’ve been the best thing to ever happen to me. I feel so lucky to wake up next to you every morning. Virginia, here we come!
SSSN ♥♥ seattle shira, surely sharing feelings should be something simple, but you make me strikingly silly. succinctly stated: love you
MY ITALIAN BUTTERFLY ♥♥ I adore you, I admire you, I respect you,I learn from you, I cherish you, I play with you, I dance with you, I even eat sushi with you... I LOVE YOU!
SLAP
MOMO <3’S YOU TING ♥♥ This year we had some asskickinawesome adventures togetha.you’re my bestfriendbestlover.There’s no one else i’d weather this storm with.love forever-z
F.U.C. LEE! ♥♥ yo grrrrrl! I love you! here’s to more island adventures, guacamole feasts, and bad girl hijinks this year! I’m lucky you’re my friend :) Z (K+M) X 10 = ♥♥ The Best. Thank you for being my favorite person for my ten favorite years. I love you. -Meggie MY HUSBAND:) ♥♥ On our life adventure together. Wavering in the unknown but happy to be forever putt- putt’n with you. We packed a lot in a year.. Loves you, Sweets.
MEOW MEOW MEOW! ♥♥ I’m so glad I found you lover. Thanks for being so damn fun, sexy, smart, and such a great friend. And for understanding me. I love you to pieces.
I HATE VALENTINE’S.. ♥♥
That’s why I’m happy this is getting published the day before! Carrie, I love you and am excited to build a future with you...and our 4 cats. Luv SWP
TO THE INTERNET ♥♥ When my partner of 4 years broke up with me over phone the 3rd week of my PhD, YOU WERE THERE. U helped me find hope via HTTP:// ...LOVE U SO MUCH
JESSON! ♥♥ 7 years later and I don’t feel even the slightest itch! Do you? I asked, DO YOU???!!! Here’s to 7 more years of laughing during toothbrush time. XXOO
TO MY DARLING WIFE ♥♥ Dearest Sarah, thank you for every day that we’re together and here’s to many thousands more. A Balvenie Cera Cask for you. Kisses, D
KARL PLEASE BE MINE ♥♥ I love u BERY BERY mooch! Lets trip the light fantastic and explore the planet together! I want u in my bed always! Will u be my valentine? Angie
DEAR ANNA ♥♥ You and Me!
We’re floating around, in the sea like 2 penguins, in the air like 2 swallows - dancing in the hills of the pacific northwest! NOOOW!
FUTURE WIFE ♥♥ Beautiful Reanna, you are the sweetest, sexiest, most thoughtful and talented person in the whole world. I am so lucky to get to marry you! Love Kim
KC SWEETYKINS SEXBOT ♥♥ V-Day #3 and baby I love u too much! can’t imagine a sexier beast than u. game of thrones me please! Oh, and then we can play some records and rummy.
CHAR, ITS ME WEIRDO ♥♥ Hello Sleepy Girl, I wonder if this will make it to print for you My Love and Rocker Girl. Happy Valentine’s Day...XOX always, your Sethie
THE 56TH. VALENTINE ♥♥
Dearest Ward The sweetest sound in the world is to wake in the morning to hear your soft breathing. Happy 56th. Valentine’s day. George. NOT EVEN STEPHANOS ♥♥ can compare to you. I thank my lucky dice I met you! You explain the rules, support fellow players, and have courage and strength to spare! Love to U!
MY HALF-HEART ROLP ♥♥ You
have half my heart. It beats in your chest! Half yours beats in mine. It keeps my thoughts and intentions true, as pine and pine and pine! Love!!!
MRB ♥♥ So excite! My shoes hurt! -R
*SHLURP*, YOU ♥♥ Do details matter? I do words, you sling bits; I dance, you ski.But wow: 30 years! You’re still my best guy. Did I say I love you? Me so lucky.
HEY, MY LOVE POOKY! ♥♥ Being married to you is great! You have a beautiful body that you should show off more. You’re a very good husband. Bring me back a Toronto FC scarf!
TYPICAL ASHREY ♥♥ I don’t see what the big deal is, shushi’s just a bunch of cat scraaaaps! You’re cute, lets make out on our various trips this year! <3 [r]
JARON! ♥♥ Sometimes when I’m sitting quietly next to you, my heart feels like it’s going to explode. I’ll miss that feeling. I love you.
TORTURE OF TANTALUS ♥♥ D., although your love will always be out of reach, your company has been and will always be a big part of my life until the end.
Y.M.T.W.T.M.D.A.
MRS. JULI M! ♥♥ My beautiful wife, love of my life... Thank you for 15 years of pure joy, overwhelming lust and the occasional smack on the ass! Love you more, Papa
AYYYYYYYYYY GURRRRRL ♥♥
If I had $1 million, I’d buy you all the edamame in da world. Not just any edamame, but da real deal, gurl. You deserve it. Love, your son of Oregon.
AWESOMEST ROBERT! ♥♥ You are the best Platonic Life Partner a girl could have! Love you. Don’t ever change. I’ll be there for you no matter what.
SAN FRANCISCO BOY! ♥♥ Duncan, this Seattle girl sometimes misses you something fierce. I want to smother you with affection and admiration. Meow!
I’M READY 4 FOREVER ♥♥ I can’t believe we met ten years ago and fell in love and can get married for almost real and you still love me. I hope to live in disbelief forever.
COLIN+SHANNON ♥♥ Love of my life, I cannot wait to be Mrs. HBBF!!! XOXO
SWEETEST RASHARE ♥♥ Has it already been 9 years? The time has flown so fast. It seems like yesterday you were the innocent teen in college. Love you forever. ~Hashara
ME, YOU, AND MONKEY ♥♥ Honey! I love you and I’m so lucky for the life we have. But now, the Monkey! The Monster! The Ims! I couldn’t be more delighted - we’re the best.
OH MUNKY OF MINE ♥♥ Munky you’re so good to me; do I deserve such treatment? I so love you back. The pleasures of Portch cannot compare. I thank ya - a certainly doo.
FANCY FACE ♥♥ First time I saw you I knew it was true. That I’d love you and that’s what I do! Almost a year and I couldn’t be any happier I love you my Fancy Face!
BRADALICIOUS ♥♥ Darling... I am so happy that you are in my life. Every day I find something
new to love about you(the no bad sex is my fav) XOuOX Your Sugar Britches
JESSICA! ♥♥ You warm my heart, you brighten my day, you bring a smile to my face. Let’s go on a sushi date! <3 Jason YOU’RE BLUE EYES... ♥♥ Still draw me in. Why do you think I can’t look at you? I love you. I’ll always be yours for the taking. Maybe one’s 1st love is always their last
HEY,STEIFF FUZZHEAD ♥♥ Roses are Red Violets are Blue Dick and Ball torture makes me wet for you.
TRENT ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s Day to you :) THRIFT SHOP LOVE ♥♥ I’m gonna hop some swag. Honey got plenty hollers in my socket. Gordon sends his love to Bang and Xiu. Stop fighting. I know you love each other.
TO MY LOVE: DOUG L. ♥♥ When Love is right, u hold on to it with all of yr heart & soul. Nothing could feel more right than the love u & I share. All my Love 4ever, Pam
MI PRINCESA ♥♥ all ever want to do is stay in bed with you, watch tv, and make jokes. oh, and screw. thank you for being so amazing (and handsome). love you.
CHRISTOPHER BUNBURRY ♥♥ i LOVE you! i LOVE you with all my heart and (most of) my body! =) senor frogs here we come! - marjorie
HOW CONVENIENT:) ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s/Birthday you crazy Russian! Quit stealing my produce and let’s go cut a rug... jitterbug.
WOO WOO WOO!!! ♥♥ I love all of you! Love eating Bono’s head and squirrels and eating! Love, Waylah. MAKE HER STOP! Love, Bono.
CUDDLE FISH ♥♥ Thank you for making everything in my life better! You have a wonderful heart, & a super hot body. I wanna make it wit chu today, tomorrow, & always.
YEAH, TOTES CORNY ♥♥ but man I’m so in love with you, bud. Thanks for being my Daddy.
MY SIDE OF RANCH ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetie. I’m going to be your babe forever, because together we are unstoppable. xox ps. Happy 30th! Prepare to be surprised.
SWEET HONEY B! ♥♥ Happy VD Darlin’, life since 11/18 has been ambrosia! Thank you for being the most fun, loving, understanding & hotly lascivious Valentine ever! xoxo
TONI AND MARK 2013 ♥♥ TONI - Love so steady, love so fine, Be my Valentine and I’ll be thine! All my devotion to Toni A., my dearest ! Mark O. and Zoe, 2013 US BUSTER ♥♥ Lynette, I love you more now than when we got married and can’t wait for our new cub. Happy Valentine’s Day.
MI LADY IRIDESCENT! ♥♥ Sweet Lady R I looove thee! Thank u 4 the colours dimensions & stimulations - thy beauty, laughs, thoughts &tc.!! Groove on 2 Dr Tim! :) xoxo Thy Lord
BILL BILLIE WILLIAM ♥♥ Many names, one lovely guy. I’m so lucky to know you. Your BFF Brit.
LESS THAN THREE! ♥♥ Patrick, I love you more than anything! You are still the sexiest guy in the whole fucking world to me. I am so lucky to have you in my life.
SEXIEST BISON ♥♥ sweet guhl funnay guhl smaht guhl you are perfect, am in love with your fine tushie and impeccable muscles. you(r dance moves) make my life complete
I LOVE YOU SEATTLE!! ♥♥ Four months ago marked the end of an era. You gave me the love of my life, Seattle, and for that I will love you forever. I hope we meet again!
MY VALENTINES ♥♥ To my Grama Juanita,Grampa Alex,My Mama Jackie& Aunt Jerri.My sissy Jalayne & Cuzzy’s KK & PJ, My Luv Lawrence & children Shailynn &Terrence..BE MINE
TO MY SNUGGLEBUTT ♥♥
You’re the brightest star in my sky. I love you so much. I will always be your snugglebug, while we drift off to sleep on an ocean of pillows.
LIZARD LOVES BEAR. ♥♥ Without you, I’d have to tan myself on exposed rocks, and asphalt roads. But you warm me in your furry coat, where I am safe, close to your hot heart.
PUPPALUPPAS ♥♥ You two are such Luppas.
EX BF BFF ♥♥ Seattle might be confused, but I think our friendship is pretty great. Glad you’re still in my life.
FERGIE ♥♥ This has already been the best year of our lives. I love our new little family. xoxo: la-beef, lil bear cub and monst
GO PLACES. ♥♥ I treasure the time we spent together and very much regret the circumstances around the ending. You are loved. Legalize Marijuana!
SWEET DAHMPERWRING ♥♥
My love for you is no schmaw thing - you are my Baby Bird for life. I love you more than Squirt loves sniffing facial orifices!
MARISSA ♥♥ I will wait for you.
BOOF !!!!!! ♥♥ happy valentines day to you! don’t care if you have worms, you’re just great!
MY MINI VALENTINES ♥♥
Shailynn, Jalayne, Terrence...I love you ALL so much, I couldn’t have asked for better kids. Happy Valentines Day! Jasmine
SO SAY WE ALL! ♥♥ Will you be my Capt. Adama and I’ll be your Laura Roslin?
ELG AKA DUDER ♥♥ i blush like a tomato, pale as a chipped potato... you’re a real peach, just out of reach
MY RABBIT MAGE ♥♥ Through the darkest times and across agonizing distance, you’ve been there for me. I can never thank-or love--you enough. ♥
HOW IT WILL GO DOWN ♥♥ Munky! I must inform you of my love, and this is how I choose to do so so: FIXIN’ TO PERV OFF.
I LOVE YOU ANNABEAR
I’ll fry your chicken or flip your eggs any day. I love you.
BARK! BARK! (WAGGLE) ♥♥ Can’t wait for you to come home. Sadface when you’re not around.
IUH SAKLHJAS AKKHUAILL! ♥♥ Now, how the hell do we defeat an enemy that knows us better than we know ourselves? I wanna talk about the assassination attempt on Lieutenant Worf. They were just sucked into space. For an android with no feelings, he sure managed to evoke them in others. Damage report!
BLAH BLAH XOXOXO ♥♥ Consequat banksy sed, carles narwhal tonx vegan chillwave vice flannel mixtape brunch. Meggings incididunt minim, cliche intelligentsia 90’s tattooed iphone williamsburg labore dolore irure ad vice. Enim in kogi, fixie readymade duis american apparel. Godard sed gentrify, high life semiotics eu tofu ea mixtape squid etsy. Pour-over etsy velit ethnic.
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit dolupta tiorehenit ium re volorio consequis aut lam in pa volore et am, nobitio stiosap eroris dolestr uptatur?
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REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE! ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit venda dolestr uptatur?
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit venda corepra epuditatium doluptusae et aut aut lam in pa volore et am, nobitio stiosap eroris dolestr uptatur?
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE... ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit venda corepra epuditatium doluptusae et aut audae optis quo illitio ea vellaborpos anihicia dolupta tiorehenit ium re volorio consequis aut lam in pa volore et am, nobitio stiosap eroris dolestr uptatur?
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda uptatur?
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE!! ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit venda optis quo illitio ea vellaborpos anihicia dolupta tiorehenit ium re volorio consequis aut lam in pa volore et am, nobitio stiosap eroris dolestr uptatur?
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit aut lam in pa volore et am, nobitio stiosap eroris dolestr uptatur? :)
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE! ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit venda optis quo illitio ea vellaborpos anihicia dolupta tiorehenit ium re volorio consequis aut lam in pa volore et am, nobitio stiosap eroris dolestr uptatur?
REROVID QUAEPEREPUDA IMOLORE ♥♥ Obit alitae ex erectecepuda velestem idiciet es ium exercit venda corepra epuditatium doluptusae et aut audae optis quo illitio ea vellaborpos anihicia
MANY VOICES ONE TOWN HALL
B. <3<3<3 ♥♥ Happy Valentines to my one foot hopper!
I LOVE you so much and think your more amazing with every new waking day! Glad you are all mine. Peace & Luv.
SWEETS FOR SWEET ONE ♥♥ After 21 years you still light my fire. I can’t imagine valentines with anyone but you. Smooches Sweet One!
“OH BWÜNNHILDE... ♥♥ ...you’we so wovewy.” “Yes, I know it, I can’t heeelp it.” You’re the only bunny Walküre for me, meine Liebe. Nicht allein, nicht einsam.
KIRA, MY OTHER HALF ♥♥ I love you madly, and cannot wait for us to be married. You are the beautiful light of my life.
DEAREST FRIEND: ♥♥ Marika, Everyone assumes your my girlfriend so I feel like I should say Happy Valentines Day! Love (of the friendship variety), Megan
VELOLOVE ♥♥ in our 1st conversation, we rode side-byside & I offered you chain lube. 15 mos & many miles later, my favorite way to ride bikes is next to you. <3
BOSTON MAMA ♥♥ You really crank my hog.
TO BOY SQUIRREL ♥♥ I love you more each day. Looking forward to many more years of pretending we’re human, stealing stuff, and making payment in nuts. I love you! GS.
BANANAPHONE DUN DUN ♥♥ bananaphone says I love you. ten years of this good stuff. no stopping.
PEACHCUP! X THIRTEEN ♥♥ Peachcup - Here’s to being lucky with love ! Thirteen wonderful years together. I love you so much.
TO MY TASTY MANCAKE ♥♥ You make me happy every day, and not just because you make my mouth water. Can I please lick honey off your delicious nipples? Love, your velcrohead.
M POO ♥♥ Hey sweetie, I’m glad we’re together.
MY DARLINGEST ♥♥ Alecenikov,
CLOWNCHILD’S MESSAGE ♥♥ Lady, you’re more precious to me Than Riker from TNG
DYLAN...BE MY DADDY ♥♥
O.K. Now that I’ve got your attention, I want you to know how much I love you and feel so happy and bleased that you are in my life. Always, Lori EVAN JUST FARTED ♥♥
PPFFFFTTT! Stinky! That’s his way of saying Happy Valentine’s Day, mom. We adore you. You are a kick-ass mom. And you will always be my MILF. -Bri
MY BIG BOOTY BABY ♥♥ Herro! Happy Anniversary/Varrentines Day!We’ve “officiarry” made it to a year. I ruv you so much! You are simpry amazing and the ruv of my life-Slime9
RAT CITY GODDESS ♥♥ UR EYES R LIKE THE OCEAN BLUE. UR PERKY PERFECT BREASTS,JUICY LIPS & CREAMY THIGHS ROCK MY SOUL. I LOVE UR BRAIN & WHAT U STAND 4.I LOVE U BABY! XOXO --- KATHRYN --- ♥♥ My sweet temptress, through your submission I have come to know the greatest love. I pray that I can be the Master you deserve. I love you forever. -W
POOP LOOPS ♥♥ Thanks for big j and juju...ur the meow to my lion...aloha
A BEAN FOR A SNOOG! ♥♥ I am thankful every morning that I get to wake up next to you and every night I that fall asleep in your arms. I can’t wait to be your wife.
CUTIE WALLFLOWER ♥♥ My cutie wallflower I am so happy I met you this year. You are the sweetest and kindest person to me. Happy Valentines! -Your cutie eeyore
BOOTS BOOTS BOOTS ♥♥ dear best friend boots, you are the best part of my day. you are my #1 and konk is my #2 and I love our lil family and our lil house and our lil life!
2 MY PANSERBJORNE ♥♥ Tis a grand experiment, it’s true, that continues from hypothesis thru whatever gets thrown into the mix. Only the best kind of explosions in our lab.
NOT GRUMPY, BUT GAY ♥♥ My best friend and soulmate for over 7 years. I can’t wait for us to spend the rest of our lives together looking fierce & fabulous. Love you Sammy (:
10 YEARS AINT ENOUGH ♥♥
My Sweet Lo, I love you just as much as the day we met. Well, actually, more. Because the first day we met you spilled beer on me. Love, H TO BENSMAJACK ♥♥ Boom! theater may be leaving, but you’ll always make my heart go boom. Also, thanks for going to Tacoma so much with me.
DID YOU EVER KNOW ♥♥ that you’re my hero? You better. I love you, Bonesaw.
HEY GRUMPY ♥♥ Even when you’re cranky from falling asleep on the couch or u threaten to flush our dog down the toilet for pooping inside. I love you butthead.
NO SWEETER SMUDGE ♥♥ With you there is music again. I love you madly. And your tiny hunky butt. OXOXOXOX NOW LETS GO EAT MINT OREOS PLS!
HELLO, BEN ♥♥ You were a shithead and I’m not sorry for dumping you, but I didn’t want you to die.
I <3 YOU, NCK ♥♥ Valentine’s day is awesome as boyfriends, but just imagine how amazing it’ll be next year when we’re husbands! I can’t wait to gay-marry you. xo Spike
OH HEAVEN-O Q T BUNZ ♥♥ ‘12 we read these in Port Townsend. Where are we reading them now? Wanna do sex later? If not lets drink wine and talk about it + candies and netflix.
CURVES LOVES CUPCAKE ♥♥ My one and only Scooter Boy! I love you more than a 1962 Lambretta! I love you more than a summer full of rally weekends! I love you more than Cali!
BEN ♥♥ H-A-P-P-Y birthday sassssquatch.
***NATASHA*** ♥♥ Mine
always. There could be none as beautiful, as courageous, as adventurous as you. We match, we soar, together we destroy, rebuild, enhance, delight GOOD TO BE HOME! ♥♥ Seattle is the best! Love you Mom + Dad
CALOCITTA! ♥♥ Sending you a Valentine with 10 fingers, 10 toes & a beautiful beating heart. What an amazing 9 months it’s been w you. Muah, from your baby’s Mama.
WYV HEARTS SNARK ♥♥ It’s sappy but true even though it’s a day that we never celebrate. Being in the paper is fun any time of the year just like your Chihuly clipping.
ALREADY MISSING YOU ♥♥ It’s
2,788 miles between Seattle and Silver Spring, MD, but you can make it! Screw the East Coast and come out here!
HEY THERE MR. ELIOT! ♥♥ I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ U! Happy Valentine’s Day!
MY BABERAHAM LINCOLN ♥♥ Zach, you’re my best friend and soul mate. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. You will always be my only Valentine baby. And I love you MORE!!
M.D. ♥♥ You’re a most wonderful friend! Love, PT
TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY ♥♥ Thanks you for your endless love! I will love you til the end. XoXXo love and kisses, your Redhead
JESSE > NOODLES ♥♥ Jesse, I love you more than wide rice noodles. Happy Valentine’s Day! -- Erica NEVER FEAR, MY BIRU ♥♥ It may be that I am set adrift in a prophet’s puddle, just know I will fly to your arms without fail. *sum presentialiter alens in remota* -Love Mar
BLINKIE THE OWLIE ♥♥ Happy Valentine’s Day to the love of my life. To many years of happiness ahead. xoxoxo Your Chirpy Bird
MY ARCO HOTTIE ♥♥ Happy one year my sweet singing, bell ringing, bed rumbling, heart tumbling Brandon. You’re the hip to my hop & the tick to my tok.
XOXO I love you!
21 YEARS! ♥♥ Our love can get into the bar! I’m thankful everyday that we found each other. I couldnt imagine life without my best friend and lover. To another 21!
SHEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ♥♥ Thanks for lunch! <3 <3 <3
RYAN C... ♥♥ almost 5 years and i still <3 you!
NOT-QUITE-MISTRESS ♥♥ S, I’m hooked. I couldn’t find my way out of your maze if I tried (I’m not). You don’t have to break up with her, but can’t I be your Valentine? -J
MY KAITLANDIA ♥♥ My sweet love, I can’t wait for our house to be done so we can begin our life together. I love you to infinity!
But that’s it : )
SNACKFORCE! ♥♥ Boo, Bee, Bevmo, Chocolate Iceberg, Spain force, Star, & Appetizer - you all are the best lunch dates ever. Thanks for sanity and tequila.
DAN P ♥♥ Don’t you ever stop being dandy and showing me you’re handsome. –your bitch, Sweet Lady Seattle
BRIGHT EYES ♥♥ I’m so glad I found you, and then I actually got to keep you, like you kept me. I love you, always. Let’s get married!
EAGLE! ♥♥ My darling Badger, I can’t believe it has been over three years. I love you so, so much! Thank you for putting up with my college silliness. Ehn ehn!
MY ROCKIN’ JOE ♥♥ Late at night I wait, my sleeplessness goes on The Moon asks me “My dear what’s wrong?” Oh Moon! I’m the reason, because I loved him hopelessly!
ANDRÉS ♥♥ Feel what you feel. Notice what you notice. Notice what you don’t notice. Soften your eyes and find me in your horizon.
HIGH FIVE BOSS ♥♥ i’d go to the ice capades for you. but only to pay you back for letting me play with those nipples that can chip my teeth on.
BRONSON BACKPATCH ♥♥ I
adore every day with you and I look forward to more happy days & nights with you by my
side. I love you very much and I you know...
K TO THE C ♥♥ A Haiku for You:
From cold lands afar Please be my sweet valentine You’re the coolest -Jack (KB wrote this for me)
SMOOCHOMP!!! ♥♥ Hey, guess what!? You set off love fireworks in my brain, and I hope we have a ton of time, brussel sprouts with quinoa, and smoochomps, together.^_^
LUMBERJACK RAPIST ♥♥ I’m so excited we’ll soon have our very own tiny little lumberjack rapist jesus. Its been fun. Let’s have more. What what in the butt.
HAPPY VDAY MY PRINCE ♥♥
To the love of my life, my gay husband, Brian: You are the best thing to walk into my life. Ever. I love you and our little Olive beyond words. xo N8
BANANAS AND BONOBOS ♥♥ I couldn’t be any fucking happier about the person I hope to share the rest of my life with. You are fucking awesome. I love you so god damn much. RRR
HAPPY VALENTINES REX ♥♥ Happy Valentines Day My Love! Rex -n- Mira Always and Forever!
I HARDLY KNEW YE ♥♥ We had fun for three weeks and then our shelf-date expired. Regardless, you are a beautiful, hurt creature that needs a valentine. So here you are!
LOVE BUG! ♥♥ Hey, best friend, sweetheart, and hubban, what what???? Here’s to twelve more years of fun and love and hygge.
HOTTIE MARK @HATTIES ♥♥ YOU ARE THE HANDSOMEST BOOZE-SLANGIN BEARDO ON ALL OF BALLARD AVE. LOVE ME TENDER AND THANKS FOR ALL THE WHISKEY.
HW --> JB ♥♥ RosesRredVioletsRblue/Here’s a cliché poem 4 U/RosesRredThisIsCorny/Do these rhymes make U horny?/ RosesRredUbetterThanFine/How ‘bout U B my Valentine?
WEEZUS ♥♥ super fucking love you, still and for always.
SARAH, I LOVE YOU ♥♥ Internship or not, you’re the best roommate (read: soul sister) I could ever ask for. Couldn’t imagine a better Valentine’s day. I love you, lady!!!!!
CAP HILL RACCOONS ♥♥ Like two fury creatures screwing in our back yard, we were meant for each other. Here’s to another year of carnal bliss
BABY BABY BABY ♥♥ My love is true And so are you I’ll never be blue So stay for a few Like forever
JAN - ♥♥ It took 3 dates to know this was different - 6 months to realize that love entered our lives - and 65 years to find youHappy Valentine’s Day - NORM
BRENDA SNUG BUG JEAN ♥♥
You are the cream in my Oreo.
You are the bonus stars in my Mario Party. You are the curds on my poutine and both the Ls in my LOL. I love you. -Bear
AARON, ♥♥ You’re going to be an amazing dad. Love, Whitney
PSYDUCK LOVES KAT ♥♥ “Roar
Zabimaru!” says Psyduck. Be my soul reaper on Valentines day!
A BOOTS LIKE NO OTHR ♥♥ My boots is the best boots because my boots wears his boots like no other! Love you boots!
HEY SEXY DANCER ♥♥ Let’s tango some time, if you know what I mean
BALTIMORE U LAVAHOT ♥♥
We met at work, blended some sauces and butchered some meats, had some breaks and then a month later We fell in love. You make all my dreams come true
YOU’RE SO GAY ♥♥ You don’t live in Seattle, or read The Stranger, so you won’t see this, and you’re really not into girls, but I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.
I STOLE YOUR BOOZE ♥♥ and drunkenly wrote an apology on a piece of cardboard, which would eventually turn out to be the most important thing I’ve ever written. I love you.
SPIFFYDYKE LOVES SEZ ♥♥ 15 years and counting, you are my one and only love. The sun rises and set on you, sweet girl.
Pike Place Market
theSTRANGER SUGGESTS
‘We Don’t Care About Music Anyway’
FILM/MUSIC
The 2009 documentary We Don’t Care About Music Anyway zooms in on a handful of 21st-century Japanese experimental musicians and their very peculiar approaches and philosophies. Set in Tokyo, the film intersperses live performances with vignettes of urban consumer culture’s freneticism and the refuse it generates. The chaotic music created by these artists both reflects the city’s tumultuous activity and rejects its rigid conformity. The madness of the musicians’ methods seems to be the only thing keeping them sane, even as their rigorous, noisy output conspires to drive you crazy. (Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th St, grandillusioncinema.org, 7 pm, $8) DAVE SEGAL
Savage Love Live!
SEX/TALK Ever since his first Valentine’s Day Bash at Re-bar in 1864, Dan Savage has been synonymous with revelatory and transcendent Valentine extravaganzas. For the bash of old, Savage welcomed embittered singles onstage to tell their tales and destroy a memento of the failed relationship. For tonight’s show—which doubles as a live taping of the Savage Lovecast—Savage revives the memento bash, alongside dishing out advice on L-U-V with the help of Mistress Matisse, the bondage pros of Twisted Monk, and special guest Simon Rich. (Neptune Theater, 1303 NE 45th St, stgpresents.com, 8 pm, $23, 21+) DAVID SCHMADER
The Ruby Suns
Daniel Bachman
MUSIC
It’s exceedingly rare to find a 23-yearold who can play with a quicksilver, imaginative brio reminiscent of American fingerpicking icons John Fahey and Jack Rose, but Daniel Bachman is that phenom. On his beautiful, hypnotic releases for Seattle’s Debacle Records—Grey-Black-Green and Oh Be Joyful, among other luminous recordings—he possesses the soulfulness and dexterity of a player many years his senior. (Rendezvous, 2322 Second Ave, jewelboxtheater.com, 9 pm, $7, 21+) DAVE SEGAL
Greg Lundgren ART
What is ambition in art? Is it competitive or collaborative? Greg Lundgren is a Seattle artist and entrepreneur (the Hideout, Vito’s, Lundgren Monuments) who sees Seattle as a place with everything it needs to succeed—except the success. He’s been floating big ideas like turning the Lusty Lady (or some other equally delicious and central space) into a contemporary art center that focuses on launching artists into the global art world, not just featuring them here. But what is your version of ambition for art in this city? Discuss, tonight. (Hedreen Gallery, 901 12th Ave, seattleu.edu/hedreen, 6:30–8 pm, free) JEN GRAVES
‘Undo’ STAGE
Tonight is your last chance to catch local playwright Holly Arsenault’s debut, Undo. The premise is so simple and brilliant—what if a divorce were a public event precisely like your wedding, with guests and presents and an officiant and tons of booze?—that it threatens to overpower the show itself. But Arsenault’s sharp wit and ear for honest dialogue, which focuses on realistically mundane details and then telescopes to huge family drama, makes the concept work beautifully. Bring someone to talk it over with after; you’ll surely want to. (Annex Theater, 1100 E Pike St, annextheatre.org, 8 pm, $18 adv/$20 DOS) ANNA MINARD
MUSIC
Has this winter been cramping your style? Are you so fed up with the gray that you’ve been considering replacing your eyeballs with slices of star fruit and tie-dyeing your skin? If so, the Ruby Suns have got your number—go ahead and dive headfirst into their ocean of bright ’80s sound waves. Though their latest album may be inspired by a breakup, those layers of beaming synthetic pop just might be extroverted enough to combat the blanket of gunky wet fog weighing us down. (Barboza, 925 E Pike St, thebarboza.com, 8 pm, $12, 21+) EMILY NOKES
Jewel of India
CHOW
There are fancier Indian restaurants in Seattle and, lord knows, there are nicer parts of the Ave than this gritty stretch near 50th. But sally forth anyway. Jewel of India is the most delicious Indian restaurant in town. The spices are bold and balanced and fragrant, the sauces are robust, and some dishes are luxuriously creamy without tasting blandly fattening (like some better-known places that will remain nameless). The weekend afternoon buffet is lavish—big cubes of paneer cheese, hunks of meaty butter chicken, kofta balls in korma sauce—and the evening entrées are even better. (Jewel of India, 4735 University Way NE, jewelof indiacuisine.com, 11 am–10 pm) DOMINIC HOLDEN
where can I buy pot now? Is it legal
best to consult the experts.
(and Initiative 502 author) Alison Holcomb and Seattle
. (
and
Photo by Mark Kitaoka
ARTS
Charles Krafft Is a White Nationalist Who Believes
the Holocaust
Is a Deliberately Exaggerated Myth
What Will Happen to One of the Northwest’s Preeminent Artists—Whose Nazi Imagery Has Always Been Considered Ironic—Now That His Views Are Not a Secret?
By Jen Graves
The question is hard to get your head around: If Charles Krafft is a Holocaust denier, what does that say about his revered artwork? What exactly does he believe happened, and didn’t happen, during the Holocaust? How should collectors and curators—or anyone who sees his work— reassess his art in light of what he’s been saying lately?
Krafft, a evered elder of Seattle art, is a provocateur. He makes ceramics out of human cremains, perfume bottles with swastika stoppers, wedding cakes frosted with Third Reich insignias. Up-and-coming artists continue to admire him. Leading curators include him in group shows from Bumbershoot to City Arts Fest. His work is in the permanent collections of Seattle Art Museum, Henry Art Gallery, and the Museum of Northwest Art, and it’s been written about in the New Yorker, Harper’s, Artforum, Juxtapoz It’s also appeared on the cover of The Stranger In 2009, I included his daintily painted ceramic AK 47 on a list of the 25 best works of art ever made in Seattle, and called him “the Northwest’s best iconoclast.” AK 47 is part of Krafft’s Disasterware series, injecting the homey crafts of European ceramic painting with violence and catastrophic events. At the time of its creation, pretty much everyone thought Krafft was being ironic—poking holes in the fascist and totalitarian ideologies of the 20th century. He said as much in an interview in Salon in 2002.
“For some reason, art has to be this earnest, serious, even Freudian, exploration,” he told Salon. “But it doesn’t necessarily have to be that at all. Art that’s funny seems to get dismissed just because it is funny. But I’ve always had a knack and a penchant for going toward humorous irony.”
you don’t have to answer that, but I guess I’d like to know.” This wasn’t the first time I’d heard the rumor, but I found it impossible to imagine that the swastikas on Krafft’s work might reflect genuine spite toward Jews—i.e., that there might not be so much difference between Krafft’s swastikas and Hitler’s. After all, that could mean this self-taught, former Skagit Valley hippie artist was using the guise of art and irony to smuggle far-right symbols into museums, galleries, collectors’ homes, and upscale decor shops like Far4 on First Avenue.
That first time I asked Krafft whether he was a Holocaust denier, he refused to answer.
“Unless it has some relevance to art that I’m currently exhibiting which you would like extra information about to review or comment on in The Stranger I see no reason to answer the loaded question ‘Are you a Holocaust denier?’” he wrote.
Friends say Krafft has laughed in private at the liberal-leaning art establishment he’s fooled.
Now, a decade later, some of Krafft’s more than 2,000 Facebook friends would be hardpressed to detect humor in his increasingly sinister posts. On January 14, for instance, Krafft posted, “Why amongst the monuments glorifying the history of this nation in Wash DC is there a museum of horrors dedicated to people who never lived, fought, or died here? The USHMM [United States Holocaust Memorial Museum] was erected before there was ever a monument to the 465,000 Americans who died in WWII. And no one did enough to save the Jews of Europe?”
When I wrote to Krafft back in May, letting him know that a reader had asked whether he was a Holocaust denier, I added, “I suppose
But you can find Krafft narrating his philosophy in his own voice just by doing a little googling. On July 28, 2012, he participated (not for the first time) in a podcast produced by the white nationalist website The White Network, whose tagline is “Whites Talking to Whites About White Interests.” According to The White Network’s “about” page, “We recognize that different races and ethnic groups cannot live together in peace on the same soil, that Whites cannot and should not tolerate being governed by non-Whites.” The description goes on to say: “Jews are not White. They are obsessed with their own group’s best interests, not ours. Our network is and will always remain by, for, and about the best interests of Whites, and only Whites. We are uncompromising on this point. We do not hesitate to identify and criticize Jews and will not allow them to hide amongst us.”
On the podcast, Krafft says, “I believe the Holocaust is a myth,” and that the myth is “being used to promote multiculturalism and globalism.” He says he believes the Christian story of the sacrifice of one man (Jesus) is being trumped “by this new secular religion of the sacrifice of six million Jews. And the museums, memorials, monuments, study centers, Holocaust chairs at the universities—it’s all part of the promotion of a new kind of, like I said, civil religion maybe… We’re the heretics in a new religion that’s being promoted and built up and being embraced by governments throughout the United States and Europe.”
Krafft mentions people “sitting in prison
CHARLES KRAFFT’S HITLER TEAPOT Hitler Idaho was purchased by a Jewish collector, now dead, who later gave it to a museum in San Francisco. The curator there speculates that if the collector were still alive and knew Krafft’s current views on the Holocaust, he would smash it.
because they dared to go up against this thing,” and says, “It’s not just the Jews that are promoting this thing. Yeah, it’s their little myth. But we’re going to be rounded up not by Jews, we’re going to be rounded up, if it comes to this, by people just like ourselves.” He says, “The Jews have gotten white people to turn against themselves,” and that Holocaust revisionism is “a good weapon to use against the people who are trying to replace us.”
Krafft, who is now in his 60s, has always had an edge to him, and it’s been sharpening in recent years. “I drifted into white nationalism as a result of reading a book about a Romanian archbishop who was charged with crimes against humanity and subsequently deported from the United States,” Krafft explains on the podcast. (According to the New York Times, the archbishop’s past “included membership in a group called the Iron Guard, a fascist movement that was the Romanian parallel of the Nazi storm troopers in Germany.”) The archbishop’s story “intrigued me and I started investigating this case,” Krafft says on the podcast, “and the deeper I got into it, the more I realized that the charges were trumped up. That led me to investigating the Holocaust, and I went through that into becoming aware of the writings of Kevin MacDonald and some of the intellectual leaders of what we call the white nationalist movement.”
The particular topic of the podcast was whether white nationalists could be more successful as a movement if they hid their beliefs on the Holocaust or homosexuals. Krafft said he didn’t think a person’s sexuality should matter to white nationalists (the two others
on the show disagreed), but said that the truth is more important than white nationalist strategy, and therefore he and his fellow white nationalists should not hide their beliefs about the Holocaust.
Krafft’s website, from which he sells most of his artwork, does not contain any of his copious commentary about the Holocaust.
To clarify his views, last week I asked Krafft over e-mail, “Do you believe Hitler’s regime systematically murdered millions of Jews?”
Krafft wrote back, “I don’t doubt that Hitler’s regime killed a lot of Jews in WWII, but I don’t believe they were ever frog marched into homicidal gas chambers and dispatched. I think between 700,000–1.2 million Jews died of disease, starvation, overwork, reprisals for partisan attacks, allied bombing, and natural causes during the war.”
That was the entire e-mail. I followed up: “The number I’ve always read is 6 million Jews killed. I just want to clarify that it’s your belief that 700,000 to 1.2 million Jews died total.”
Krafft did not answer the question. He only sent a link to a story about exaggerations in the original numbers of Jews reported killed at Auschwitz. That story, called “New ‘Official’ Changes in the Auschwitz Story,” appears on a website called Institute for Historical Review.
Wanting to understand more, I asked Krafft over e-mail to explain the development of his beliefs. He reiterated that he didn’t get interested in World War II until he read about the Romanian archbishop in 2000, and said
he continues to research the case, including a trip this December to the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City. He wrote:
Understanding the nuts and bolts of this complex civil case, the Romanian history behind it and its geopolitical ramifications ultimately served to awaken my racial self-awareness as a WASP (White AngloSaxon Protestant). Most people don’t understand the difference between White Nationalism and White Supremacism. White Nationalists don’t want to reign supreme over any other race. Symbols associated with White Supremacism like swastikas, shamrocks, the Celtic cross etc. aren’t embraced by White Nationalists. White Nationalism doesn’t have a symbol.
On Facebook, Krafft has posted links to claims that death-camp photography was doctored and that the US Holocaust Memorial Museum fraudulently displayed a gas chamber door. “Holocaust studies is an academic echo chamber,” he has written.
Krafft’s Facebook posts got the attention of Tim Detweiler, who showed Krafft’s work several times during his tenure as director of the Museum of Northwest Art. He’s not sure how to feel. “If you were a Nazi sympathizer and selling Hitler paraphernalia by the side of the road, you’d be killed,” Detweiler said. “But he’s selling it at the highest-priced stores and at galleries all over the country… It would be like if Kara Walker came out after doing all these years of pickaninnies”—Walker is an African American artist who makes cartoonish silhouettes of horrible scenes from slavery— “and said, ‘Oh, through my research, I’ve found that the slave trade was not as bad as we thought—the numbers were exaggerated and the slaves had more choice than we thought.’ What would you think of her work then? I mean, I don’t know. My head’s spinning, to be honest.”
According to old friends of Krafft’s interviewed for this story, Krafft has laughed in private at the liberal-leaning art establishment he’s fooled with his art. In response to that accusation, Krafft said, “I would ask the person who told you they have seen me laugh about ‘fooling’ curators to be more specific and tell you which curators they saw me laughing at.” More than one person tells the story of Krafft privately laughing at curator Timothy Burgard, who is in charge of American art for the Fine Arts Museums of San Francisco (FAMSF).
been greatly exaggerated?
Another question: Will the museum get rid of the Krafft? That’s unlikely, Burgard said, explaining that he values the perspectives brought by artworks, maybe even more so when they’re reminders of attitudes we’d forget at our own risk of repeating them. The label on the wall will probably have to change. Burgard said that if Besser—the original collector of the Hitler teapot—had thought the sculpture rehabilitated Hitler’s regime, he’d probably have smashed it.
Burgard was able to find a note he received from Krafft in 2008. “I enjoyed your essay on ‘The Content of Teapots’ in the Besser Collection catalogue,” Krafft wrote. “You certainly did your homework on the context of my ‘Hitler Idaho’ teapot.”
The open question of how to treat the teapot in the future “deserves to be examined fully and critically in the public domain,” Burgard said.
Later, I asked Krafft what he thought of Tim Detweiler’s comparison to Kara Walker. “The difference between me and Kara Williams [sic] is that she gets to play the race card and I don’t because I’m an unregenerate white heterosexual male,” Krafft protested. “Has Kara Williams [sic] ever not cut a race based silhouette? Does she even know that the first person on record as a slave owner in America, Anthony Johnson, was black?!”
This is a case of trying to use one detail to discredit an entire history. I don’t care whether the first slave owner in America was black. I’m not falling for it.
Krafft’s friends say it’s exhausting to argue with him because of his ability to cite everything he’s read. He’s been a poet and an artist since the 1960s and a proven rabble-rouser since high school, when he was expelled by a headmaster who said, according to a story Krafft delights in repeating, “Charlie puts people on edge and keeps them there.” But lately he’s taken his experiment in putting people on edge further than ever before, and his friends, other artists, and even people who sell his work are hitting their limits.
“We’re all scratching our heads, and there are lots of us. We always said he’ll do anything to provoke attention, but no—that’s not it. It’s real. It’s an ideology now,” said Hans Nelsen. Nelsen is a woodworker on Vashon Island who’s known Krafft since the 1960s and feels extremely torn on the subject, because he loves Krafft as a friend but is horrified by some of his beliefs. The two men agree, Nelsen said, that global greed is out of control and linked to a corrupt banking system, but they diverge in that Nelsen does not see that system as a Jewish cabal.
16-May 26 From Hamptons to Hoarders. First captured in a cult-hit documentary, this truestory-turned-musical will take you on an unforgettable journey.
Apr 19-May 12
Set in a prison-turnedelder-care facility, a band of lovable aging misfits rediscover purpose and dignity in the face of a system mightily stacked against them.
In 2003, Krafft made a ceramic teapot in the shape of a bust of Hitler, with eerie holes for eyes. A Jewish collector named Sandy Besser, now dead, bought the Hitler teapot and added it to his overtly politically themed collection, which he later donated to FAMSF, where it went on display in 2007. Burgard wrote about it in a catalog as explicitly and clearly antifascist. “These blind-looking eyes also evoke associations with… the world turning a blind eye to the horrors of the Holocaust.”
Reached by phone last week, Burgard said Krafft’s change of heart on World War II raises larger issues about artists’ intentions, “both expressed and concealed… and how those do or don’t dovetail with their public reception and interpretation.” As an experiment, Burgard showed the Hitler teapot to a colleague who had never seen it before and the colleague agreed with Burgard’s original interpretation. What does it mean that when Krafft made this portrait of a demonized Hitler, he was actually beginning to spread the word that the demonization of Hitler has
When I asked Krafft about this, he scoffed. “The idea of ‘friends’ wringing their hands over what I think about anything strikes me as comical. I think Jewish overrepresentation in national and international finance is uncontrovertible. I would call this a fact not a ‘cabal.’”
Another old friend, Tacoma writer Peggy Andersen, said she had to stop socializing with Krafft. “I told him, ‘When I hang out with you, I feel like I’m endorsing something.’… His main thing is that the Holocaust is an exaggeration. I say, if they only killed 10,000 people because they were Jewish, it would still be a holocaust, jackass.” As Andersen and I ended our interview, she said, “Be sure to say I love Charlie.”
A longtime friend who insisted on anonymity said, “It’s not only anti-Semitic stuff, it’s also racism—you know, blacks and women and anything that is held dear by the liberal establishment. And I can see a reaction against holier-than-thou attitudes, I mean, yeah, of course. But…”
Other friends, like Larry Reid, coauthor of the 2002 monograph on Krafft, Villa
Delirium, just sort of look away. “I try not to pay too much attention,” Reid said. On Facebook earlier this month, when a friend named Fred Owens unfriended Krafft and called him a bigot, a discussion arose in which Krafft told his critics they could sell off their works by him at Seattle ArtResource on First Avenue if they didn’t want them anymore. But Jena Scott at Seattle ArtResource recently stopped accepting any Krafft works for consignment, because she found his e-mails increasingly upsetting. “I’m just sad about it,” Scott said. “He’s an intelligent, articulate guy who I respected throughout the years, and it just makes me sad. Everybody’s sad, and you can’t talk to him about it because it’s not going to make a damn bit of difference.”
Owens was motivated to speak on Facebook after playing online chess with a close Jewish friend from Boston, who simply asked Owens why he had a friend like that. “I realized that I could not continue playing chess with Harvey unless I did something about Charlie—it became simple for me,” Owens wrote to me in an e-mail. Owens made another, broader, important point, too: We should “not just blame Charlie for this but the entire arts community of Seattle which has proven to be soft-headed. As I said when I wrote about this, it would never happen in Brooklyn or Boston—people would just kick his ass down the block. But Seattle has a misguided kind of false tolerance going on here, so there is a lesson for all of us in this.”
Krafft is not a simple case, and nobody who knows him seems to be enjoying this moment. His personal kindness and generosity to friends and other artists is well-known. He’s a Buddhist; I had to interview him by e-mail for this story because he’s on a long pilgrimage in India.
Maybe what’s hardest to accept is that a man so totally, radically, fist-pumpingly opposed to ideology—a guy you wanted to root for at the end of a bloody, painfully ideological century—himself seems to have succumbed to an ideology.
Yoko Ott, the curator who invited Krafft to be in the Softly Threatening exhibition at Bumbershoot in 2006—where he contributed the swastika wedding cake—remembers visiting him in his studio and wondering what to think.
“I did confront him, like, ‘Do you consider yourself a neo-Nazi or sympathetic to that?’ And he said no, that he didn’t,” Ott said. “And then he laughed and said, ‘But would that frighten you if I were?’” n
books
The Hell with Grants
Hugo House’s New Program Gives Writers What They Really Need: Each Other
by Paul Constant
W
riters get grants and gifts and fellowships all the time. Most of what these programs provide is space, either of the spiritual or mental varieties. If you fill out enough forms, for instance, you can possibly earn enough money to not have to worry about a “real job” for a while, or some college could grant you a writer-in-residence position that takes care of room and board, granting solitude and peace of mind. But space and comfort are not always
conducive to good writing. Some of the best books ever written were composed under the constraints of day jobs—Jorge Luis Borges was an assistant at the Buenos Aires Municipal Library, Franz Kafka was a legal secretary—and a rule of thumb in the publishing industry is that the larger the advance an author gets, the longer it takes for that author to finish the goddamned book.
Of all the grants I’ve encountered in my time at The Stranger, I’ve never heard of anything quite like the Made at Hugo House fellowship program. It’s like a more pragmatic version of the classic writer-inresidency: Last year, Hugo House put out a call for writers age 35 or younger, living in King County, to describe a project they’d like to complete. From more than 50 applicants, House program director Brian McGuigan and an anonymous panel of poets and novelists chose six writers. Those writers get access to office space in the House, they have monthly progress meetings and contribute to a private blog on which they can share work, and they can attend any of the Hugo House classes, featuring teachers like Eileen Myles, Peter Mountford, and Sam Lipsyte, for free.
P review
Made at Hugo House Midyear Reading Fri Feb 15, Hugo House, 7:30 pm, free
Assembled around a table, they’re a broad range of writing talent. Katharine Ogle says she’s writing a chapbook of poems that she hopes will display “accessibility,” but as soon as she says that, she pauses at the word, looks annoyed at herself for saying it, and restates “or transferability.” “Not, like, looking-out-the-window poems,” but poetry that appeals to a broad audience “without sacrificing my weirdness.” Bill Carty is working on a collection of poems titled Northeast Kingdom, about his roots in Maine and “the mythology of place.” Anca Szilágyi’s proposed collection of stories, More Like Home Than Home, is also interested in place, but through the lens of migration, with the occasional talking bird. Elissa Washuta is working on her second memoir (her first, My Body Is a Book of Rules, will be published by Red Hen Press in 2014).
The two novelists in the program are working at opposite ends of the spectrum.
Eric McMillan is writing a fictionalized version of his experiences as an army officer in Iraq during the surge. Irene Keliher is telling the story of a bookstore in a small town on the Olympic Peninsula that has been removed from civilization. It’s a premise—“realistic but sort of futuristic”—that is utterly unlike the realistic short stories she’s published up to now, and she hopes to use it to explore “the future of books” and digital publishing. (Keliher got the idea from a visit to the Borders bookstore on Fourth Avenue downtown during its last day of business, when everything in the store, from books to magazines to fixtures, was on sale for 90 percent off. She left with a garbage bag full of books she felt like she had saved from a terrible fate.)
Despite the different disciplines, all six writers seem to agree that the most important thing the Made at Hugo House program gives them is a deadline; the goals of the program provide much-needed structure. McGuigan says that while Made at Hugo House is definitely intended to focus on the “art and craft of writing,” he also wanted to “talk about how writers make money,” which is an earthy—but necessary—goal that most programs that benefit writers don’t bother to discuss. In the group’s most recent meeting, they were joined by local literary agent Elizabeth Wales, who answered their questions about how to choose a literary agent and how to shape a manuscript for submission. When the program ends, Hugo House will provide support for the writers’ finished
work, helping to edit and place the manuscripts with publishers. McGuigan says Hugo House is invested in the authors for their entire careers. (In some ways, Made at Hugo House resembles a fledgling version of the New York–based, national program Creative Capital.)
This Friday, Hugo House is hosting a midyear reading, an open-to-the-public progress report where each author will read. And as the writers work together on completing their manuscripts, the process will begin all over again; the submission period for the next year of Made at Hugo House opens on April 15 and closes on June 3. They can’t promise solitude, but those in need of deadlines are encouraged to apply. n
books
Workplace
Drama
Eisenhower, Nixon, and the Most Awkward BossEmployee Relationship in the World
by Paul Constant
The interactions between presidents and their vice presidents have always been among the most interesting employeremployee relationships in the world. Consider the way Al Gore basically pretended Bill Clinton didn’t exist during his presidential run, or the sight of President Obama setting his jaw against a mighty wince when Joe Biden told him over a hot mic that Obamacare was a “big fucking deal.” Many presidential candidates choose their running mates to compensate for a personal or demographic failing, which often accounts for some awkward relationships later on.
speaking there of Mr. Nixon?
A: Was there any doubt in your mind?
Q: No, sir. (Laughter)
Making the whole thing even sadder is the fact that Nixon idolized Eisenhower, continuously seeking his approval and treating face-to-face meetings with the president like they were divine interventions. Even when Nixon raged against his boss, he couldn’t manage to muster the same kind of scathing, profane fury that he sprayed all over his enemies list.
By the time Nixon became president, Eisenhower was teetering on the edge of death. Despite all the frustrations heaped upon him by the older president, Frank portrays Nixon as almost inconsolable in his grief. Eisenhower was more than a mentor to him—he was a hero and a father figure. Frank wisely leaves supposition out of his biographical sketch, but Ike and Dick does prompt the question of whether a Nixon who received the praise and coaching he desired out of President Eisenhower would have been a more generous president. Ike and Dick leaves the reader with the feeling that something as simple as a more attentive working relationship could have saved the nation from the disaster of an unhinged Watergate-era Nixon. n
theater
Uneven
A Bipolar Musical About Bipolar Disorder
b y Goldy
IBut it doesn’t get any more awkward than this: Once upon a time, one of the most popular presidents since George Washington took as his vice president a man who would go on to become one of the most hated figures in American history. Jeffrey Frank’s chatty, buoyant new book, Ike and Dick: Portrait of a Strange Political Marriage (Simon & Schuster, $30), charts the relationship between Dwight Eisenhower and Richard Nixon, from their rushed introduction to Nixon’s rise to the White House. Reading it will, at the very least, immediately make you feel good about all your interactions with all your coworkers forever.
Throughout the presidency, Eisenhower was casually dismissive of Nixon, treating him like a child who wasn’t ready for the grown-up table. Even as Eisenhower was continually suffering from a parade of heart attacks and a small stroke, and as Nixon was given more opportunities to stand in for the president than just about any other vice president in history, the younger man got absolutely no respect from the elder. The president couldn’t even bring himself to endorse Nixon’s 1960 presidential run with anything more than a circuitous bit of doublespeak in one of his many press conferences:
“But if anyone is wondering whether I have any personal preference or even bias with respect to the upcoming Presidential race, the answer is yes, very definitely.”
Yet it took one more question to absolutely corner Ike:
Q: Mr. President… Were you also
f you’re a big fan of both rock musicals and spending a depressing evening watching lives torn apart by bipolar disorder, then Next to Normal is the show for you! Imagine the kids from Rent grow up, get jobs, move out to the suburbs, start families, and suffer through crippling mental illness. It’s kinda like that.
But beware: The winner of three 2009 Tony Awards and the 2010 Pulitzer Prize for drama, Next to Normal is not an easy show to watch or perform. At its February 8 opening at the Erickson Theater Off Broadway, neither the six-person cast nor I were quite up to the task. All the performances are more than competent, but nobody stands out in a show with a sometimes-complex score that screams for standout performances. It made for an uneven evening in which every time I’d written off a performer, he or she would suddenly surprise me, and every time I thought I was about to be blown away, I never was.
Beth DeVries as the bipolar mother was the most frustrating, delivering a mostly workmanlike vocal performance with a few teasingly soaring solos. The voices weren’t bad—they just weren’t rock voices, and rarely achieved the raw emotional resonance the score demands.
Or maybe it was just me. There were plenty of red eyes and soggy handkerchiefs in the opening-night audience. But I lost interest about half an hour before it ended. That’s not to say it’s not worth the $25 price of admission. A coproduction with Contemporary Classics, Next to Normal is the third show in an ambitious season for the upstart Balagan Theater that started with a deservedly sold-out production of Avenue Q and a game if disappointing Hedwig, and ends in April with the equally challenging August: Osage County. While I didn’t love
Next to Normal, I admired the effort and professionalism. If you’re into musicals, a Balagan subscription may well be the best value in Seattle. n
dance
Cracking His Shell
Choreographer Jeremy
Wade Becomes an Energy Fountain
by m elody d atz
F
resh off a Greyhound bus from Maine at age 19, performing artist Jeremy Wade found himself at Squeezebox, a “drag, tranny, rock ’n’ roll bar in Soho.” As Wade explained in a February 5 interview for STANCEcast (Velocity Dance Center’s podcast), his emergence
into the New York dance scene began with the inspiration to “take all my clothes off, [and] in a pair of heels, just go crazy.” Years later, with numerous awards, training from Amsterdam’s School for a New Dance Development, and recognition as a leader in dance, art, and performance art, Wade continues to electrify the spaces he occupies.
Tonya Lockyer, Velocity’s artistic director, discovered Wade when Fountain was listed as one of Artforum’s 2011 “best dance” picks. This solo piece is hard to define as dance, performance art, or improvisation, and that, Lockyer says, is what makes Wade so interesting: His comingling of visual and performance elements creates an edge, but also points back to the foundation of dance (a combination of light, movement, etc.). In Fountain, Wade uses audience participation to create an environment in which he is able to “crack his shell” and become a physical conduit of expression, not just for himself, but for
arts calendar Only the most noteworthy stuff.
art Gallery
Openings
H Elliott Bay Book Company
When You’re a Stranger: A solo photo show of her independent work by our staff shooter, the one and only Kelly O. Free. Reception Thurs Feb 14, 5-7 pm Mon-Sun. Through March 12. 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600.
H platform GallE ry
From the Outskirts is a series that continues to document Chicago artist Adam Ekberg’s quiet, small-scale actions performed for the camera. This is his third show at Platform. Free. Wed-Sat. Through March 23. 114 Third Ave S, 323-2808.
H VE rmillion
Rezene Tsegai, Jeremy G. Bell, Mandilla: portraits by three artists, from vividly colored to neosoul-style to straightforward graphite on wood panels. Free. Reception Thurs Feb 14, 6-10 pm. 1508 11th Ave, 709-9797.
Events
H EVE rytH inG i S JUSt fin E But would it all be much better if local artist and entrepreneur Greg Lundgren’s Walden Three dream came true: a six-story, for-profit art center and film set on First Ave, where the Lusty Lady used to be? In a group discussion, Lundgren probes Seattle artists to think ambitiously about what kind of arts community is possible and desirable. Hedreen Gallery, Seattle University, 901 12th Ave, 2962244. www.facebook.com/ events/325363264234389/. Free. Fri Feb 15, 6:30-8 pm.
H HarD l This is a one-night-only show from a new gallery—what’s its name about? From Hard L’s website: “There was talk of the female genitalia and how it gets erect, the hope that women artists could remain this prevalent in the art world at large for longer than a gallery cycle at the SAM.” This first show’s lineup is fantastic, including artists from Wynne Greenwood to Ellen Forney to Rachel Maxi. We have a hard-L just thinking about it. 1216 10th Ave, Ste. L. Free. Thurs Feb 14, 6-9 pm.
H JoHn Boylan’S n EXt ConVE rSation: ConVE rSation If you have not been to one of John Boylan’s conversations— happening for the last 15 years, between artists and curators and architects and organizers and anthropologists and City Council members and farmers and writers and teachers and historians, on topics like “The Future of the Future” and “Imaginary Cities, Temporary Cities”—then you have been seriously missing out. This conversation is on conversations. Vermillion, 1508 11th Ave, 709-9797. Free. Tues Feb 19, 7:30-9:30 pm.
H nanCy raWlES: raCE anD SEXUality
James Baldwin wrote: “Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety.” In the first talk of NAAM’s Community Conversation Series, local writer Nancy Rawles threatens to illustrate how those infamous identifiers, race and sexuality, are really just two sides of the same coin. Northwest African American Museum 2300 S Massachusetts St, 518-6000 x108. $6. Sat Feb 16, 6-8 pm.
H oSCar tUaZon lECtUrE Northwest-born, Paris-based artist Oscar Tuazon makes sculptures out of things you’d find on a construction site—steel beams, two-by-fours, window frames— but they are not buildings, and they are not functional spaces in any traditional sense. They are sort of like architectural versions of Duchamp’s nonsensical but totally sensical Bicycle Wheel sculpture of a bicycle wheel screwed to the top of a stool. The New Foundation Seattle and the University of Washington invite him to discuss his work, which was in the Whitney Biennial last year, as part of the Critical Issues in Contemporary Art series. Henry Art Gallery, 4100 15th Ave NE, 543-2280. Free. Thurs Feb 14, 7 pm.
H XXXo: an immoDESt SHoW By kE lly o Stranger photographer Kelly O shows a bunch of stuff we can’t run in the paper, and a Pamela Anderson look-alike shows you hers. Happy Valentine’s Day! Vignettes , El Capitan Apartments, 1617 Yale Ave. Free. Thurs Feb 14, 7-10 pm. visualart@thestranger.com
readings
Wed 2/13
H HoW to WritE likE i Do WitH Book-it rEpE rtory tHEatr E Book-It’s Jane Jones and Kevin McKeon discuss how they turn books into theater in a special adaptation workshop that is put on by 826 Seattle. Naked City Brewery & Taphouse, 8564 Greenwood Ave N, 725-2625. Free. 5:30 pm.
Dr. B ill DiEnSt Freedom Sailors is a book about drawing attention to “the plight of Palestinians.” Revolution Books, 89 S Washington St., 325-7415. Free. 7 pm.
lin Da m HErman Parents to the End: How Baby Boomers Can Parent for Peace of Mind, Foster Responsibility in their Adult Children, and Keep their Hard-Earned Money is a book about how kids these days have no goddamned respect. Secret Garden Bookshop , 2214 NW Market, 789-5006. Free. 7 pm.
mary DaHEim Alpine Xanadu is the newest book in Daheim’s “long-running smalltown murder mystery series set in Alpine, Washington.” Surely Alpine must be running out of residents to kill? Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 366-3333. Free. 7 pm.
tara Conklin Conklin’s debut novel The House Girl is about social justice, slavery, and the law. Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 6246600. Free. 7 pm.
H antHony G. G r EE nWalD Blind Spot: Hidden Biases of Good People is a book about how everybody has a blind spot that they cannot see. Except for you, of course. You’re the exception that proves the rule. Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, 634-3400. $5. 7:30 pm.
H niCk flynn
Who doesn’t love Nick Flynn? His memoir Another Bullshit Night in Suck City received a tremendous outpouring of love on its publication. His 2010 followup is titled The Ticking is the Bomb: A Memoir of Bewilderment and it’s about Abu Ghraib. Benaroya Hall 200 University St, 6230065. $5-50. 7:30 pm.
Thurs 2/14
H JE ffr Ey frank See preview, page 36. Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.
H al Gor E
The former president of the United States of America (that’s not a misprint, just the truth) discusses his new book The Future: Six Drivers of Global Change This reading is sold out. Seattle First Baptist Church 1111 Harvard Ave, 221-2230. $15-50. 7:30 pm.
H Dan SaVaGE an D S imon riCH
Dan Savage, who is my boss and the author of the upcoming American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics, will do his Savage Love Podcast thing in front of a live audience with the very funny author Simon Rich. Neptune Theater, 1303 NE 45th St, 467-5510. $23. 8 pm.
Fri 2/15
H maDE at HUGo HoUSE mi DyEar rEaDinG See preview, page 35. Hugo House, 1634 11th Ave, 3227030. Free. 7:30 pm. mE laniE noEl The Monarchs is a new poetry collection from Noel, who teaches “workshops on synesthesia and imagination.” Open Books 2414 N 45th St, 633-0811. Free. 7:30 pm.
Sat 2/16
Carl HonorÉ Every couple of years since the dotcom boom, we have experienced a “slowness movement”
everyone in the room—a fountain. Wade told STANCEcast that Fountain differs from performance to performance, depending on audience response and the culture of the city. Sometimes, he says, the energy generated can catch him off guard, and if people are really, truly resonating with what’s happening in the room, he cracks that shell. (What this “cracking” looks or feels like remains to be seen.) Sometimes it doesn’t work, and the performance is, in his words, “formulaic.” Either way, audiences have been thrilled as Wade explores that seed of ecstatic movement, “the paradox of surrender yet control, the heightened awareness yet loss of self [that creates] the meat and potatoes of the conflict inherent in ecstasy.”
Typically, dance audiences sit in the dark, watch someone do their thing, and at most talk about it later. (Some of us go home and try to replicate it in front of the bathroom mirror.) But Wade’s work depends on the audience to a highly unusual degree. Even though the phrase “interactive performance” scares the pants off of some people (me), it’s okay. You can leave your pants at home. n
of some sort or another. Slow writing, slow cooking, slow living. The author of one of those slow books that inspired a slow trend, In Praise of Slowness returns with a new book titled The Slow Fix: Solve Problems, Work Smarter and Live Better in a World Addicted to Speed Who has time for this? Elliott Bay Book Company, 1521 10th Ave, 624-6600. Free. 5 pm. nanCy raWlES
The local author of the novel My Jim “will speak about race and sexuality in Istanbul,” as well as the relationship between LGBT people and the Civil Rights movement. Northwest African American Museum, 2300 S Massachusetts St, 518-6000. Free. 6 pm.
Sun 2/17
H B ri Ef anD Dirty
DUal rElEaSE
Two books are being released on the same day. In no particular order (except alphabetical, suppose), here are the descriptions for those books: “Alexandra Chasin’s seminal app-novel about art vandalism” is titled Brief, and Dirty “is an anthology of sexually explicit poetry and prose by 54 writers.” Stranger genius Stacey Levine is reading at this event, too. Vermillion, 1508 11th Ave, 7099797. Free. 7 pm.
Mon 2/18
J.a JanCE
Jance, who is the most popular mystery author in the Seattle area, returns with Deadly Stakes Third Place Books, 17171 Bothell Way NE, 366-3333. Free. 7 pm. BE n GolDaCr ES Goldacres’ book Bad Pharma: How Drug Companies Mislead Doctors and Harm Patients sounds like a must-read. Town Hall , 1119 Eighth Ave, 6343400. $5. 7:30 pm.
Tues 2/19
miCHE llE r HEE
Rhee’s Radical: Fighting to Put Students First is a new book from the controversial education reformer. Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, 624-6600. Free. 7 pm.
Capt. JoHn BorlinG
During the Vietnam War, Borling “survived six years and eight months of soul-crushing imprisonment in the Hanoi Hilton by writing poetry–without pencil or paper.” Taps on the Walls is a physical collection of all those poems. Town Hall, 1119 Eighth Ave, 634-3400. $5. 7:30 pm. readings@thestranger.com
theater
Opening and Current Runs
H BattlE of tHE BarDS Vii The annual battle royale between
H means we recommend it. Tons
short adaptations of classic stories. The audience watches a series of 20-minute shorts and decides which deserves to be expanded to a full-length version and get a slot in Ghost Light’s next season. The contenders this year: Black Vengeance by Nathaniel Porter, a punk-musical adaptation of Othello; Clockwork Beauty by Andrea Karin Nelson, a steampunk version of Sleeping Beauty; and In Fear of You I Do Shake by Lori Lee Haener, a contemporary version of The Trojan Women. Ghost Light Theatricals at The Ballard Underground, 2220 NW Market St, www. brownpapertickets.com. $10. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through Feb 16. a Day in tHE DEatH of JoE EGG
“This 1967 gallows comedy by Peter Nichols follows an evening in the life of a couple whose daughter has cerebral palsy and how they use grotesque humor and storytelling to cope. In the first act, the mother (Leslie Law) and the father (Terry Edward Moore) tell us about the happy and tragic moments of their lives with equal merriment—the flatness of perverse glee being less painful than squarely facing to their ups and downs. Things pick up in the second act, when another couple comes over: a pompous, wealthy, self-described socialist (Brandon Whitehead) and his wife (Carol Roscoe). Then the mother/ mother-in-law shows up and the real mayhem begins. The dynamism of all the characters in the second act partly makes up for some of the slackness in the first, which demands virtuosic performances from the mother and the father to sustain our attention, which aren’t always delivered.” (Brendan Kiley) ACT Theater 700 E Union St, 292-7676. $15$30. Thurs-Sat at 7:30 pm. Sun at 2 pm. Through Feb 17. tHE m US iC man
“You pile up enough tomorrows, and you’ll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.” 5th Avenue Theater, 1308 Fifth Ave, 625-1900. $25-$113. Tues-Sun. Through March 10.
n EXt to normal
See review, page 36. Erickson Theater Off Broadway, 1524 Harvard Ave, 587-5400. $20$25. Fri-Sat at 8 pm, Sun at 2 and 7 pm. Through March 2.
pHotoG rapH 51
See review at www.thestranger. com. Seattle Repertory Theater, 155 Mercer St, Seattle Center, 443-2222. $25-$55. Tues-Sun at 7:30 pm with select weekend matinees. Through March 10.
H S pf #7: Solo pE rformanCE fEStiVal
Each year, the SPF festival of solo performance brings some new gem, either a thrilling new performer we didn’t know existed or a great new direction from a performer we thought we knew. The seventh annual SPF brings
another round of promising shows, including Hippiecrit: I Want to Change the World, I Just Don’t Feel Like It by Bhama Roget and I Can Hear You But I’m Not Listening by comedian/ storyteller Jennifer Jasper. Other shows include Wanted by Tina Vernon (directed by Valerie Curtis-Newton), Peggy Plant/ Mama Tits in 2x2: A Duplex Comedy , and Lisa Koch in Show Me the Way to Go Home Theater Off Jackson 409 Seventh Ave S, www.brownpapertickets.com. $15-$18. Various days and times, see www.theatreoffjackson.org for full schedule. Through March 23.
H War HorSE Seattle Theater Group and Seattle Repertory Theater copresent the WWI story (which won piles of awards, including five Tony Awards) of a boy and his trusty steed Joey, made spectacular with puppetry by the renowned Handspring Puppet Company from South Africa. Paramount Theater, 911 Pine St, 682-1414. $25-$105. Tues-Thurs at 7:30 pm, Sat at 2 and 8 pm, Sun at 1 and 6:30 pm. Through Feb 24.
Dance
H JE rE my WaDE See review above. Velocity Dance Center, 1621 12th Ave, 325-8773. velocitydancecenter. org. $12-$15. Fri-Sat at 8 pm. Through Feb 16.
Cabaret
tHat’S fUCkED U p! That’s Fucked Up! prides itself on being more dangerous and deranged than what it calls “hackneyed burlesque, drag, and cirque.” With performers Nasta Canasta (NYC), Mercury Troy (LA), Ultra, Jenny Penny, Queen Shmooquan, Ernie Von Schmaltz, and many others. Clown Stripper Productions at Re-bar 1114 Howell St, www.brownpapertickets.com. $15-$20. Fri-Sat at 7:30 pm. Through Feb 23.
Special Events
H it GEtS BEttEr tHEatEr proJECt Seattle Theater Group, Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles, and the UW Chorale are collaborating on the It Gets Better theater project—a one-week residency that will build a “community performance” to be performed on Feb 23. There are events leading up to that, including an LA Men’s Chorus karaoke night at Purr (Feb 18), a roundtable discussion at the Vera Project, school performances at Garfield High School, and more. See stgpresents.org for a full schedule. Various locations, stgpresents. org. Free. Various days and times. Through Feb 23. theater@thestranger.com
February 16: Nancy Rawles, “Race and Sexuality-Two Sides of a Double-Edged Coin” May 23: Magdalena Zaborowska, “James Baldwin as Theatre Director: Staging Queerness in Istanbul”
September 26: David Leeming, “The Prophecy of James Baldwin”
FROZEN
VIA TRIB UNALI
sunder --- Sara
MCHALE-STORM ♥♥ You have an absolutely gorgeous soul, one I will cherish until my last breath. I am beyond excited to grow old and wrinkly with you. -xoxoxo Alicia-
JP ARE U WIT ME ♥♥ my man, my man. if this isn’t love then i don’t know what is. we got the cutest puppy and the fly-est shit happenin’. sexy is late nights with you.
EMBRYANNA ♥♥ Mommy and Momma love you soooooo much. You are the sweetest gift we could ever ask for. Hugs and kisses lil EmBuG. You will be our princess always!
BUNNY EARS ♥♥ Babe, so glad we made it through the hard years to get where we are now. And the sexing is still great! Love you buns! (I finally did one of these!)
YODA ONE FOR ME ♥♥ I love you David :) you make my heart flutter daily!! This valentines day .. I’ll bend over and let you see my darkside & u can go hon solo on me
MS. ROSEMARY! ♥♥ Ms. Rosemary, You are SO fine! Will you be my Valentine! Brian TO WIL FROM RAY ♥♥ We can throw marshmallows at each other over lunch or at the beach. Let’s dance skyclad
VIA TRIB UNALI
HOOSIERS NEED
2 ♥♥
may be a hillbilly but I have great taste in men. One of these days you’ll think “Man...she’s great and I love her,” & I’ll be like: Yuuuup.
TO THE ONE I LOVE ♥♥ I love knowing you, laughing at your jokes, being with you, having you as my valentine.Love guess who? your BF
TO THE MAN WITH HAT ♥♥ The ukulele helps, but - it’s your brain, your favorite books & your flannels & the things you forget & I just - man. I just think you’re swell.
ANGIE ♥♥ I take it all back. I’ll be your fool forever.
NESSY, MANGIONE, ♥♥ all these years and we still manage to be similarly goofy, completely different, and on the same path forwards. what a great ride...lipskisses
MY HONEY BEAR ♥♥ You have made my life so beautiful, full of love, and complete. I can not live without my Smooches. Thank you for all you do. Love, your “Snuggie”
I’M YOUR FAVORITE! ♥♥ Wherever you go, that’s where I’ll go. Wherever I go, that’s where you’ll go. That’s where we’ll go.
MINÄ RAKASTAN SINUA ♥♥ How full I feel when you’re full, bound, moaning around me, cradled, safe, climaxing. I never knew myself until you. I need you forever, my heart. -C
Y. HOUSE I LOVE YOU ♥♥ Yellowhouse forever guys, serious. Sunday night dinners, Anachronism, Digital Literacy and homemade valentine’s for all. Love you all! let’s eat.
APEKOS FOR KOYOTE! ♥♥ Another orbit with you, Koyote, and you know that we will only get better and wierder with time! Elsker Deg min kjære Koyote!
YOUR MY “GOOD LUCK” ♥♥ Fred, I adore the thought of you. Everything in the world that doesn’t make sense, makes sense when I’m with you. Your heart is my home and I love you LIKE CRAZY! ♥♥ Benny & the Jess is the best thing ever. I love you madly and want to make you those stupid pain in the ass banana pancakes forever and ever. <3 Jess
CHOW
Family Style
The Real Deal at Italian Family Pizza and the Unreal Von Trapp’s
BY BETHANY JEAN CLEMENT
I had lunch last week at Italian Family Pizza with an opinionated guy from Queens. He loves pizza, this guy, and he especially loves Italian Family Pizza, a relatively new place
on First Avenue. To orient you to his pizza convictions: Big Mario’s and Via Tribunali are all right; he does not care for Piecora’s or Delancey. Doesn’t he find Big Mario’s too crowded at night? Yes, but he enjoys it in the way a cultural anthropologist would. Does he know how much work Delancey put into their pie? Yes, he is conversant with the backstory—a blogger and a pizza-obsessive met cute online, cross-country crust research ensued, pizza place named after New York subway stop opened to widespread acclaim. But, despite the R&D, it’s Delancey’s dough that does not meet his expectations.
Italian Family Pizza 1206 First Ave, 538-0040
Pizza, “his dough is worth eating.” With the red-and-white-checked oilcloth on the table in front of him, the tricolore outline of Italy painted on the wall behind him, and his Queens accent pleasantly chiseling the air, it is difficult to doubt him. Italian Family Pizza, he says almost tenderly, has filled a void in his life. People stop by his table to say hello.
Von Trapp’s 912 12th Ave, 325-5409 Daily 4 pm–2 am
“Now his dough,” the guy from Queens says, gesturing toward the back of the humble cinderblock storefront of Italian Family
all else is beneath consideration (or, to quote Wolfman Jack, which he does, “The rest of America is just Hartford”).
He discusses the travesty that is Ray’s in New York, and the famous feud of the Manganaro brothers, who owned two rival Italian delis next door to each other, but he says very little about the feud involving Seattle’s Italian Family Pizza. What everyone knows, roughly (for unless you’re in the family, descriptions of family feuds must be rough): The Calozzi
This guy from Queens used to drive 70 miles to stand in line in New Haven to eat the famous pizza there (including the local clams casino pie, made with olive oil, garlic, clams, and bacon, but, he states vehemently, “I hate white pies”). He advances a stunning theory of geographic pizza-superiority: The southern border for good pizza on the Eastern seaboard is Trenton, and the northern border is New Haven;
The name “Italian Family Pizza” carries an edge, given the circumstances.
brothers moved from Philadelphia and opened Calozzi’s Famous Cheesesteaks in Pioneer Square. Some sort of falling-out occurred (money? A recipe? Some say it was over whether or not to make pizza, or serve alcohol, but who knows?). Brother Al kept the Pioneer Square spot, started making pizza and then stopped, opened a second location in Georgetown, then closed the Pioneer Square shop, which is moving downtown. This past November, brother Steve opened Italian Family Pizza. The name carries an edge, given the circumstances.
When Italian Family Pizza opened, The Stranger noted that it was “run by one of the Calozzis (of local cheesesteak fame).” Al Calozzi sent a polite e-mail saying that after the split (in his words, “after my brother stopped working for me at Calozzi’s”), they had signed a contract that his brother was “never to make any claims or associate his future business with mine.” The Stranger’s mention of local cheesesteak fame, to Al’s mind, violated this contract. But The Stranger was not a party to the contract, I explained; we were just reporting the (well-known) facts. A number of e-mails later, we arrived at the surprisingly mutually satisfactory verbiage “run by one of the Calozzis (though it is legally separate from the two local Philly cheesesteak places of the same name—the two brothers split).” Even to be a party to this tiny corner of the dispute was exhausting. The brothers reportedly haven’t spoken in a long time. One can only think: Their poor mother.
At any rate, Italian Family Pizza is the real deal. The crust, thin but not too-upscaleNeapolitan thin, is browned and blackened and bubbled in all the right ways. The crust has exactly the amount of salt, of chewiness, of plain old goodness, that makes every bit worth eating. The pies are irregularly shaped, and the toppings are unstintingly applied (though the mushrooms are canned; the guy from Queens says that’s what he grew up with, but that doesn’t make it much better). A small pizza costs just $7, plus a dollar per topping, and is probably enough to feed two; the large pies are unbelievably enormous. Last week at lunch, the guy from Queens ordered a tomato pie—it’s called marinara pie where he comes from, and it’s got a still-exposed layer of sauce and a sprinkling of Parmesan instead of mozzarella—and (naturally) he got it with anchovies. It wasn’t what we’re used to around here, but a salty, savory knockout nonetheless. And Italian Family Pizza’s regular pies somehow taste like home, no matter where you’re from.
WHERE THE HELL AM I? Von Trapp’s, above and lower right; Italian Family, left.
KELLY O
Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, the family von Trapp has yet to file a ceaseand-desist against brand-new Von Trapp’s. The name for the massive “Bavarianinspired” beer hall was taken from The Sound of Music, the romanticized, much more fun version of the real family’s life in Austria around World War II; the place is a triumph of artifice. Installed in the warehouse that most recently housed Dixon’s Used Furniture on the east side of Seattle University, Von Trapp’s has fireplaces, wall-sized photomurals of Alpine mountains, fake beams stained dark brown, crystal chandeliers imported from Vienna, two mezzanine seating areas overlooking five indoor bocce courts (with two outdoor ones coming in spring), and a surprisingly restrained amount of taxidermy. Racks of sturdy, sparkling glassware seem to glow golden from within; the rich
look forward to tomorrow. Love, A BIG LOVES, BUN! ♥♥ What hasn’t changed in 11 years? My love for you, the way you make me laugh, and the fact you’re my favorite person with whom to get drunk at home.
BALLARD JARED ♥♥ Five months postLOVELAB, post- Space Yetis and gradishes, I’m so happy to have you as my valentine. Looking forward to much more AFL with you. 24hdg
SPUFFYAMY ♥♥ I love u and i know everthing will be ok. on valentines day.hi,cassius.shag
CLAIRE O’ DOG BREATH ♥♥ Im sending you the tea you ordered or left here except humpreys they don’t sell anymore, brita filters, and my cat. I miss you. love Ferretface
HEY, LITTLE TUP! ♥♥ I’m the luckiest girl in the world! You make every day brighter and more fun than I could’ve ever imagined. I love you! MOMMY APRIL ♥♥ It’s been nearly 10 years, & I love you
No one should ever have to put salt on their frankfurter.
wood of the main bar—there are two more— looks warm and supple enough to wear. As for the servers, they wear T-shirts printed with lederhosen suspenders.
“It’s tiny and it looks like they didn’t put any money into it,” someone joked at the opening party last week. “They” are James Weimann and Deming Maclise, who’ve already brought Seattle the amazing set pieces that are Bastille, Poquitos, and Macleod’s Scottish Pub. They’ve outdone themselves with Von Trapp’s—it’s like a theme park. They pillaged decor elements “from Vienna to Munich to Prague” for the 10,000-squarefoot space, and one can’t help but imagine forlorn places denuded of their interior finery. But come now, they’ve got tons of that stuff in Europe—plenty enough for us to have some on 12th Avenue.
The in-house bocce tutor demonstrated the perils of the courts’ raised dividers by almost stumbling off one in her high-heeled boots. The game itself requires a level of finesse that may make later-night games rather challenging for the neighborhood’s weekend party-warriors, and the courts are lit spottily and already don’t seem completely level. But still, it is fun, and fun (sometimes) for the whole family: Children are allowed until 10 p.m.
Von Trapp’s is set up for 25 beers on tap, and will carry both European and West Coast drafts—the list is yet to be finalized, but early indications are promising for beer nerds. They’re also serving cocktails involving beer, an interesting idea, though the one that I tried—the Roll Pin Shandy, with Scotch, pear brandy, lemon, orgeat, double IPA, and bitters—tasted like metal. (A drinking game to play at Von Trapp’s: Rename all the cocktails after Sound of Music songs, e.g., How Do You Solve a Problem Like Tequila.) The Germanic menu includes a cheese spread called obatzter, which is cheese blended with tons of butter, plus a little onion and paprika and (usually) beer: Good lord, it is good. The housemade sausages that were sampled, however, were so mild as to cause sadness; one person at the opening party put salt on their frankfurter. No one should ever have to put salt on their frankfurter. Easily solved, if Von Trapp’s just fires up the in-house sausage-grinder with a lot more spice. But, truth be told, it hardly matters: Von Trapp’s is sure to do bonkers business, and if the sausage isn’t right, the vast majority of the vast crowd will never notice. n
Chow Events
Thu 2/14
H VALENTINE’S DAY
If you haven’t made a restaurant reservation yet, you’re probably screwed. Just make dinner at home: Even if you fuck it up, they’ll love that you tried. Your place, and cheaper than going out anyway.
Fri 2/15
H FREE FRIES FRIDAY
Happy hour’s extra happy with free fries at Pike Street Fish Fry and Moe Bar, along with $2 pints of New Belgium Beer. Pike Street Fish Fry 925 E Pike St, 329-7453. pikestreetfishfry. Free. Every third Fri 5-7 pm.
Wed 2/20
H A MODERN FEAST TO HONOR TIBET
The marvelous Maxime Bilet, formerly of the Modernist Cuisine Cooking Lab, makes a 12-course modernist Tibetan dinner—probably the first meal ever utilizing both yak butter and liquid nitrogen. The food will likely be great, and the dinner benefits programs for Tibetan refugees: If you can afford it, you should go. Velvet Underground Dining Experience, 308 Ninth Ave. tibetfund.org.
$1,000 individual, $2,000 for four at Chef’s Table. 6:30 pm.
Fri-Sat 2/22-23
H HOP SCOTCH SPRING BEER AND SCOTCH FESTIVAL
Hop Scotch says hel- LO! to spring with Scotch and beer, plus wine and Washington whiskey, too, with Fremont Studios
functioning as the tasting lounge in this benefit for SIFF. Your ticket gets you a commemorative glass and drink tokens for beer, wine, or flights of single-malt Scotch or Washington whiskey, depending on which package you purchase. Fremont Studios, 155 N 35th St, 838-9080. hopscotchtasting.com.
$20-$75. Fri 5 pm-midnight, Sat 11 am-midnight.
Sun 2/24
H HIVER AU CHATEAU
It’s a French country supper: “nine lavish courses served at a dignified pace,” brought to you by the dream team of the Corson Building, Le Pichet, and Le Caviste. All proceeds and gratuities benefit the Jubilee Women’s Center and Pike Place Senior Center—good causes, beautiful spot, great food and wine, so go if you can, you lucky bastard. The Corson Building , 5609 Corson Ave S, 256-1499. $250 per person. 3 pm.
H SEATTLE FOOD AND WINE EXPERIENCE
A culinary free-for-all featuring regional and national foodstuffs, beer, cider, wine, and coffee. Chefs from local restaurants (including Ray’s, Purple, and Serafina) will provide snacks. Also: something called “What’s Your Beef Profile?” (meat meets Dianetics?). Recommended for those who enjoy the challenge of getting their money’s worth in a crowd of hungry people. Seattle Center Exhibition Hall 305 Harrison St, Seattle Center. seattlefoodandwineexperience.com. $49 advance, $55 at the door. 12-5 pm.
H MEANS WE RECOMMEND IT. SEND EVENT INFO TO: chow@thestranger.com
Find the full calendar online.
GEORGIA, MY RUV! ♥♥ For a gorgeous girl named Georgia. No one makes me smile quite like you do. I can’t
I
tastier than a chocolate Hostess-a! Love, Daddy
SEACOW ♥♥ Thanks for all, past, present and futures.
You’re a noble spirit within a caged beast. I may end up in sutures, but you’re a
♥♥ Thank you for being my muse, and for the nonstop laughter and fun you’ve brought into my life. I love you. Yours, E
DEAR HUSBAND... ♥♥ Find this, and you will receive the night of your life! Whatever you want to do. I’m in! ADVENTURE AWAITS! love you
DOUBLE D LOVE ♥♥ Happy Valentines Day Babes! You are the frosting to my cupcake...XOX OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX OXOXOXOXOX Yours, D TO MY PADDYCAKES ♥♥ Paddywagon, I love you more every day. Here’s to not getting exposed to any communicable diseases this Valentine’s Day. xoxo FROM AARON TO ALLEN ♥♥ How in the world, can I wish for this? Never to be torn apart. Close to you ‘till the last beat of my heart. I love you Allen.
LOVE NEVER DIES ♥♥ On this 2oth Valentine’s together my love, my best friend, you are my forever love sweet Chris. May our love continue to grow deeper with each year.x0
YOU ARE MY KING. ♥♥ How sweet it is to be me & have you! Now that I’ve written this love note, how about some intense sex? Let’s do something outrageous! I love you.
JORF DORFF ♥♥ I love you! And Moogie. But mostly you. Wiiiiiiiiild Hooooorses!
SQUIRRELY AND SHIMMY ♥♥ I’m typing this laboriously on a Dvorak layout while totally xpryd jpryjd. The Center, Christmas sleet, & NYE fireworks were the highlights of my year
W/ $3 HAPPY HOUR!!
NEW EXPANDED HAPPY HOUR MENU
$3 SUSHI, SAKE, BEER
$3.99 PUPUS, SUSHI & HANDROLLS
$4 COCKTAIL SPECIALS & WINE $15
and more than I ever did. ILY xoxoo A&F MWAH! CLEARLY... ♥♥ ...I aint talking to you, big titties! You are the best lover and giver and you suck good deack and we have a ball in the sack.I’m cumming too!-Moe B. JOE, MR. ADORKABLE ♥♥ Joe, you’re a celebrity scarecrow, wearing a crown full of curls. I’m a DorothyParkerParakeet, homesteading the NW. Let’s
MUSIC
Psychic, Powerful, and Perfectly Wonky
Matmos’s Mind-Blowing Telepathic Experiment
by Dave Segal
“
These people were on fire,” says Matmos member Martin Schmidt about the massive post–Super Bowl celebration by his fellow Baltimore citizens in the wake of the Ravens’ win. “When I walked by, one of them said, ‘Yay, our team won!’ I’m infected by the same disease, but I just doubt myself. Am I allowed to be enthusiastic about anything?”
“Some of them had this weird irony about the fact they were celebrating,” says Drew Daniel, Schmidt’s musical and life partner, who recorded some of the spontaneous festivities because, hey, this stuff could come in handy for a future album or something. “It would creep into the way they would chant. ‘Bal-ti-more! Balti-more! U!S!A! U!S!A!’ It was like there were quotes around it.” But he also sensed something “utopian and awesome” about those crowds.
Matmos w/Mouse on Mars, Horse Lords
Wed Feb 20, Neumos, 8 pm, $17, 21+
which recently switched labels from Matador to Thrill Jockey, Schmidt mops floors at two record stores, including the True Vine, run by Jason Willett of cult faves Half Japanese. He also serves as “evil capitalist” for Karl Ekdahl’s electronic-instrument company Knas, which manufactures synths with names like “The Moisturizer” and “The Polygamist,” the latter of which is shaped like an Easter egg. Schmidt also keeps busy in Baltimore’s free improv scene, and he and Daniel organize the annual High Zero Festival in September. And did you read Daniel’s perceptive book on Throbbing Gristle’s 20 Jazz Funk Greats?
of Matmos’s talented musician friends— including Keith Fullerton Whitman, Jenn Wasner, and Dan Deacon—entered states of sensory deprivation while Daniel tried to convey the concept of The Marriage of True Minds directly into their brains. He asked subjects to describe what they saw or heard in their minds when Daniel explained the idea. Their responses became the springboard for Matmos to construct the album’s nine tracks. A diverse outpouring of musique concrète, Baltimore club, no-wave disco, and a black metal cover of the Buzzcocks’ “ESP” ensued. It’s a brilliantly scatterbrained manifestation of telepathy.
As with some couples that have been together for a long time, Daniel and Schmidt have accrued their own telepathy. “At our moments when we’re really clicking, there is that moment of transparency where we’re making complementary choices at the same time,” Daniel says. “That’s an ideal we aspire to. We have little non-flashy experiences of telepathy, and we have the couples-completing-each-other’s-sentences effect, as well, where we’re both the external hard drive for the other of memories and details. Musical partnerships have to rely a certain amount on that kind of everyday mind reading, of sensing somebody else’s emotional place, figuring out how to intersect with that. You’re screwed without it.”
For this tour, Matmos will be joined onstage for some songs by Baltimore quartet Horse Lords, whose guitarist Owen Gardner provides scorching accompaniment on True Minds’ freak-funk peak “Tunnel”—which, according to Schmidt, was completed at the last minute, oddly enough. Daniel says, “It’s really fun to play with Horse Lords. They’re great players, but they’re also aware of how to hold back. I don’t like seeing a bunch of people pretend to be busy onstage while a huge, chugging electronic signal drowns them out. But I also don’t like going and not hearing what makes electronic music distinctive in its textures. So you have to be careful about how you combine so-called real instruments with electronics in a live situation or it can go really badly. It gives us a lot of freedom. Luckily, they’re good players and can open out what the songs can do.”
• On Twitter, local hiphop maverick OCnotes announced, “due to family responsibilities Im movin to portland on march 10th. 1st OCnotes show will be march 8th at Reed College.” Seattle’s loss is Portland’s gain; good luck in Stumptown, Otis Calvin.
• Adam Green and Binki Shapiro charmed a Barboza crowd last Wednesday. Especially, it seems, a man in a fragrant leather jacket who whisper-talked to anyone who would listen: “I can’t wait for them to stop playing so I can take the set list and get it signed.” He even whipped out a Sharpie and smelled it periodically to show how serious he was about autographs.
• Sasquatch! music festival tickets sold out completely in record time—90 minutes after going on sale last Friday. Local mushroom dealers have had the same, completely unrelated problem.
• Rumor has it that Ballard’s Fin Records is releasing a 12-inch by Grynch and the Physics (they've already released an album by J. Pinder). Could Ballard be the new center of hiphop? How strange if that becomes the case…
• Save the date! Sub Pop just announced its 25th birthday party! It’s called the Silver Jubilee, and it will take place on July 13 in Georgetown and include bands, art, and “a record-fair-type event.”
• We’re having the most fun party ever!!! The Stranger is proud to announce our own little conflict of interest, a beer and bands festival called Penumbra that will be taking place Saturday, March 16! Local breweries will be showing off their suds, with music by Champagne Champagne, Pleasureboaters, Tacocat, Wimps, La Luz, Prism Tats, and a very special, one-night-only reunion performance by the Catheters! There is literally nothing else you could do on this night that would be more excellent.
Matmos have been putting quotes around experimental electronic music for the last 16 years. If anyone could take the chaos and exuberance of a sportsball hullabaloo and make them interesting, it’s these witty eccentrics. Hell, they could probably put an ingenious spin on the tired trope of “jock jams” if they set their minds to it. They may be highbrow creative chameleons, but Matmos know how to inject fun and unpredictability into their music, as anyone who saw Daniel’s butt get used as a percussion instrument at that longago Triple Door set can attest.
Daniel and Schmidt—who celebrated their 20th anniversary as a couple last Halloween—moved to Baltimore from San Francisco six years ago when the former accepted a position as English professor at Johns Hopkins University (his book The Melancholy Assemblage: Affect and Epistemology in the English Renaissance comes out March 1). When not working on Matmos,
On top of all this, Daniel is resurrecting his dormant Soft Pink Truth project with a bunch of deep house covers of black metal songs. Sounds incredible.
Brilliant, unlikely concepts have guided Matmos's career.
Such brilliant, unlikely concepts have guided Matmos’s career. They initially became notorious among IDM fanatics for their arcane sampling sources: crayfish neurons, balloons, latex shirts, rat cages, etc. They based the 2001 album A Chance to Cut Is a Chance to Cure around the sounds generated by plastic surgery (Schmidt’s father works in the field).
The new full-length, The Marriage of True Minds, might be their most laborintensive and highfalutin to date. The last four years, Daniel oversaw parapsychological sessions based on the Ganzfeld (“total field”) experiment in Baltimore, Oxford, and Pennsylvania’s Haverford College. Several
While the Seattle set will rely heavily on True Minds material, Matmos plan to reach back to the A Chance to Cut Is a Chance to Cure era of their catalog, too. “Having the opportunity of a hot-shit drummer and guitarist helps us because we can try out digital collages that a lot of people just wouldn’t play,” Daniel says.
“Horse Lords are really good at learning to play in odd contexts. In their own band, they only play in just intonation, so they have special guitars and basses that have frets that have been drilled and reinserted so they can play in that tuning system. They’re willing to be wonky, and that’s perfect for us.”
Another reason Matmos enlisted Horse Lords is extramusical. “Basically, as aging queens,” Daniel says, “we needed some cute, young straight guys to thicken the plot.” n
Crayfish neurons, balloons, etc. at the S tranger.com/mu S ic
• The Unnatural Helpers, La Luz, and Lonesome Shack show at 20/20 Cycle on Saturday was filled with warm and wonderful showgoers, and despite the bike shop/ venue being sold out, not a single bicycle or helmet was harmed.
• The Grammy Awards issued a new dress code this year that stated “Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered… thong type costumes are problematic. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic…” That’s right: The Grammys banned side boob! We could certainly do without “thong type costumes” forever, but side boob has never hurt anyone! This is all Lil’ Kim’s fault, right?
• You could run, but you couldn’t hide from the LOUD at the Black Lodge on Friday night. We missed opener Murder in the Wood, but Sioux City Pete and the Beggars killed with their experimental blues-noise, LA’s White Murder doled out glorious punk-pop punishment (with members of Jail Weddings/the Red Onions), and Red Liquid went in an insane goth-metal direction. Thank you, earplugs. n
MaTMoS Drew Daniel and Martin Schmidt aspire to telepathy.
AJ FARKAS
Accessible Excellence
Aaron Schroeder Just Wants Your Band to Sound Good by e mily n okes
“ I hate hearing low-quality recordings from amazing bands. It hurts my heart,” says Aaron Schroeder, the one-man dynamo behind BLDGs (pronounced “buildings,” for those of us who value vowels), a recording studio on Minor Avenue that shares property with Re-bar and has probably recorded at least one of your favorite bands.
Schroeder is a super-friendly ex-Texan who learned the art of recording in Austin before making his way to Seattle about five years ago. “I went to recording school for a year and a half, and ended up getting a job at Willie Nelson’s studio,” he explains, as we sit on the comfortably worn couch in what serves as the BLDGs living room. “I started off as an intern, getting coffee mainly, until an engineer got sick from doing too much blow and didn’t show up for a session,” he laughs. “So I got to do it.” He went on an eight-month tour with Willie Nelson, recording the sets live, which led to other unreal adventures. “I even did three months on the road with Matchbox Twenty—on that tour, I got to booty dance with Alanis Morissette… she’s tiny, it freaked me out.”
He recorded Leo’s first two albums and has steadily branched out from there by word of mouth—bands like Wimps, MTNS., Unnatural Helpers, Ubu Roi, and Telemesser have all recorded at BLDGs in the past few months. “The most fun I’ve had recently was working with Telemesser, because they’re really into the whole mixing process, very much into experimenting. I got to do lots of delays, reverb, and weird compression techniques— it was nice to stretch out.”
“The way BLDGs has grown, I can relate everything back to the very first recording.”
When Schroeder first got to Seattle, the BLDGs building was a studio for Sarathan Records—a small label that put out recordings by bands like Feral Children and the Purrs—which had been languishing as a seldom-used practice space. “The owner occasionally let me record my own bands here, but I kept telling him that he should let me run the space as a studio,” Schroeder says. “It took him about a year to warm up to that idea—he was nervous, I think, to let a bunch of punks be around his gear.” When he got the green light two years ago, Schroeder named his operation BLDGs (“No matter where the studio is, if it ever has to move, the idea is that BLDGs can be anywhere… it’s always going to be in a building”) and set out to make your band sound good.
Though Schroeder has recorded everything from death metal to hiphop (and would still like to), most of the bands that have come through BLDGs are of the garage and punk variety. “The way that the studio has grown, I can relate everything back to the very first recording I made here, which was Charles Leo Gebhardt IV,” Schroeder remembers. “I was brand-new in Seattle and I saw Leo play at the Comet. I was wasted,” he laughs. “I told him I would record his stuff for free.”
The BLDGs space is laid-back and welcoming—beads, animal-themed tapestries, and clouds painted on the walls, paired with gigantic mixing boards, make it feel like a Star Trek episode got mixed with the Reality Bites apartment. In the recording room, instruments line every wall: Giant bundles of neatly wound cords hang from a coat rack like an exotic tree, guitars, keyboards, and amps neatly fill the space, and a sparkly silver drum kit winks from the corner. Schroeder gives me a tour, stopping to demonstrate a cheap-looking organ. “This is my favorite thing. It’s called an Optigan—I’ve only ever gotten to use it on one song.” He holds up a celluloid disc accented with squiggly rings and explains that they’re prerecorded sound waves. “It’s read with light optics, and there are little shutters in there. When you press a key down, a shutter opens up, thus creating the sound.” He feeds a disc into it and grins as an eerie, old-timey song comes warbling out. Schroeder finds himself at the studio five days a week or more, but he still holds a part-time job at a toy store in Pike Place Market. “It’s getting pretty busy. Eventually, I’m hoping to make this the only thing I do,” he says. Rent is pricey at BLDGs, and Schroeder’s rates have increased a bit to keep up, but it’s still one of the most accessible options most musicians in the area will find. “I’m offering a two-days-for-the-price-of-one deal through the end of March to get some new bands in here,” he smiles, leaning in to speak directly into my interview recorder. “It’s. A. Deal.” And for a city with a new band lurking around every corner, I can attest—go ahead and get some solid recordings out there! Do you know how hard it is for critics to write about your lovely tunes based on shaky YouTube videos alone? n
Weird compression techniques at thestranger.com/music
aaron schroeder Has recorded Willie Nelson, booty danced with Alanis Morissette. BETH CROOk
Sun, Feb. 17
American Idol winner KRIS ALLEN JILLETTE JOHNSON special $50 VIP tickets include pre-show meet & greet opportunity 8pm ~ $15adv/$17dos
Thur, Feb. 21
americana singer/ songwriter MIKE COOLEY OF DRIvE-BY TRUCKERS no opener seated show 8pm ~ $20
Fri, Feb. 22
groundbreaking indie rockers CAMPER vAN BEETHOvEN CASEY NEILL & THE NORWAY RATS 9:30pm ~ $15adv/$18dos Sat, Feb. 23 blending american & west african influences TOUBAB KREWE MIGHTY HIGH 9:30pm ~ $12adv/$15dos Times listed are show times. Doors open 30-60 minutes before.
& Jet City Stream present HILLSTOMP, HOBOSEXUAL, COUNTRY LIPS H 3/9 ASSEMBLY OF DUST H 3/10 JOE ELY DUO, JOE PUG H 3/11 MONDAY SQUARE DANCE with THE TALLBOYS
Her Aim Is True
A Concert for the Queen of Northwest Rock Photography
by b rendan Kiley
Jini Dellaccio was born in Indiana in 1917. She learned how to play the saxophone, graduated from high school in 1935, and began touring the country with jazz bands. Take a second to imagine that: touring the United States as an 18-year-old female jazz saxophonist in the mid-1930s. “Jini,” says Steve Lalor of the 1960s folk-psychedelic band the Daily Flash, “is one hell of a character.”
know about us, about our music, about what we hope to do, about why we like what we like… I was 21 years old, and this 40-year-old woman is asking me about my life and what I wanted! The fact that she was interested at all amazed all of us. When was the last time a 40-year-old woman asked us about that?
Her Aim Is True Benefit Concert
w/Merrilee Rush, Mark Whitman, and members of the Sonics, the Wailers, the Daily Flash, and others Sun Feb 17, Highway 99 Blues Club, 6 pm, $15 donation, 21+
Dellaccio is now in her 90s and living in Seattle, the undisputed queen of Northwest rock ’n’ roll photography. Some say she’s the queen of all rock ’n’ roll photography. She was busy reinventing the way people took band portraits and concert shots six years before Annie Leibovitz starting cutting her teeth at Rolling Stone
Dellaccio studied at the Art Institute of Chicago and was a fashion and travel photographer before her best-remembered work—those bold, dynamic photos of the Sonics, the Wailers, the Daily Flash, and Merrilee Rush (remember “Angel of the Morning”?), as well as the Rolling Stones, the Beach Boys, and Neil Young. She abandoned the popular but boring five-guysin-a-line formula, instead taking musicians outdoors, making them climb trees, dragging them around to places with distinct architecture (Suzzallo Library, for example).
Dellaccio had stumbled into rock ’n’ roll photography shortly after moving to Gig Harbor with her husband in 1961. As Lalor tells the story, and as Dellaccio’s trustee confirmed, she met some scruffy guy in Tacoma who was in a rock band called the Wailers. She agreed to take photos of his group—but Dellaccio had thought he said “whalers.”
We opened right up.”
And then she’d start taking photos. She quickly became a hit. “As soon as other rock bands in the area saw those photos,” Lalor says, “they said, ‘We have to throw our photos away and go see this woman.’”
She kept playing with the form as she went—using silver in the developing process to give prints a special sheen, rubbing negatives with Vaseline and oilcloth to give them texture—but she’s most admired for her composition.
“It’s her groupings,” says photographer David Belisle, who has photographed album covers for THEESatisfaction and others, published a book of his R.E.M. tour photography, and recently moved to New York. (He has also taken photos for The Stranger.) “She could put five people in a frame and there’s still so much negative space, and everyone’s faces still looked good.”
Her style reflected the music: inventive, energetic, but cool
In some ways, her style reflected the music those bands were playing: inventive, energetic, but cool. Merrilee Rush says a heavy vein of R&B helped anchor the “Northwest sound.” Along with the raw energy of garage rock, they loved horn sections, Bobby Bland, and Ike and Tina Turner.
“She thought they were gonna be fishermen!” Lalor laughs over the phone. “She thought they were going to show up in oilskin and boots and shit.” Instead, a pack of rock ’n’ roll longhairs knocked on her door. So she proposed they all sit down over coffee and get to know each other.
That was her mode, Lalor says. “Usually in a band, you’d go to guy’s studio, stand around and look cool, and it’s all businesslike.” But when he and the rest of the Daily Flash drove to Dellaccio’s house, “we came out in our ’48 Packard hearse. And she’s got this coffee table full of sweet bread and coffee. She didn’t pick up her camera for four hours. She wanted to
Bands like the Wailers, she says, were “bringing it back and making it cool instead of that frenetic pop sound that can run away with you… We’d pull it back and make it groove.”
Right now, British filmmaker Karen Whitehead is making a documentary about Dellaccio called Her Aim Is True. On February 17, significant rockers from that generation— Merrilee Rush, members of the Sonics, the Wailers, the Daily Flash, and many more— will play a benefit concert to raise money for the final push to get the film done.
For the musicians, it will be a reunion of sorts. “People who come are going to see a real piece of musical history,” Rush says. “I always bring my camera, because you never know who’s going to be around two weeks from now. We’re losing so many people.” n
Jini dellaccio Reunites with the Sonics at a KEXP live performance in 2010.
SOUND CHECK
we do, we stay in our lane—try to give ’em something beautiful, and just keep going. That’s where Bones is set at.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14TH
THE SUNSET PRESENTS WHAT MADE MILWAUKEE
FAMOUS WITH POMERANTZ AND GUESTS
$8 / 8:30PM DOORS / 21+
NOW AVAILABLE ON
WED 2/13 OCTAGRAPE TENDER HIPS, CRAIG SALT PETERS & FRIENDS $6 THU 2/14 AUTOMOTIVE STEAMHORSE TENDERFOOT, GOLDEN SPACE, JESSE HUGHEY OF JACK RUBY PRESENTS $6
SAT 2/23 JARV DEE ILLFIGHTYOU, GIFT UH GAB “DJ” EL MIZELL $5
SUN 2/24 HANGOVER MARKET FREE 2-6PM
BONE THUGS-NHARMONY’S BIZZY BONE LETS US IN
In 1996, Bone Thugs-n-Harmony’s Grammy Award–winning eulogy for Eazy-E, “Tha Crossroads,” climbed the charts so quickly that it ranks alongside the legendary triumph of the Beatles’ “Can’t Buy Me Love” and Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” The double-platinum, Isley Brothers–sampled requiem shot their rap-harmonized sound all the way to Eazy’s pearly-gated mansion in heaven. Now the Cleveland-born quintet is touring with all the original members in celebration of their 20th year since forming. Layzie Bone, Krayzie Bone, Wish Bone, Bizzy Bone, and Flesh-n-Bone are once again riding united— wizened and doling out their flip-flop flow.
Bizzy Bone has a very vocal quality to his raps—a velvet, burgundy tone. When he freestyles, he goes into a shuffled fever trance—the rap lobes of his cerebral cortex burst words down cranial nerves into the muscles of his mouth for delivery. It’s a sight to behold. Bizzy spoke on the way to a studio in Los Angeles. The first thing he said was “Hello SEAtooooown.”
I imagine you guys have plenty of tales from the road. What’s one off the top?
Okay. Let’s see. I had nothing to do with this particular situation, but we got into it with a promoter somewhere and the police ran up into the hotel and we had all these guns. One of the homeboys threw some out the window, but he hid the rest in the back of the toilet where all the water is. They searched the room and didn’t find them. That back of the toilet, it’s a good hiding place [laughs]. As you get older, you start to realize what makes sense and what doesn’t make sense.
How do you keep your voice in shape?
I just stay working. We all do. We take care of ourselves and we’re not terrorizing our throats with harsh drugs—that adds years onto your life and your career.
With Valentine’s Day coming up, I wanted you to choose songs that go with this over-the-top romantic day I planned. First, I’ll make my valentine breakfast in bed. To wake them up, I’ll play my Nature Sounds CD—light wind, a babbling brook, and maybe a small bird chirping. Then what should I play?
I say “1st of tha Month.” It goes “Wake up, wake up, wake up, it’s the first of the month/To get up, get up, get up, so cash your checks and get up.” That’s the way to start the day [laughs].
What’s going on in the studio?
We’re working on some new stuff—a single we’re putting together. Just getting in there and working. When you’re in LA and you decide to be back out there, everybody opens their arms up to you. Everybody’s like, “Where you been? We thought you were messed up somewhere.” I’m like, “Naw, nigga, I’m right here doing it.” [Laughs] We’re so excited because it’s all five of us, you know? Krayzie said he’s never felt this strong about the crew, since the beginning. It feels good.
What’s changed for Bone Thugs in 20 years?
After breakfast in bed, there’s the horse-carriage ride to the spa. What do I play in the carriage?
Play “Battlezone,” and get some ’80s R&B greatest hits going.
What about some Barry White? Barry White is the master.
Oh, yeah. No disrespect to Barry, but it depends on what your man or woman likes. You might wanna get some jazz in there, some smooth shit.
TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP, LINDY HOP, HIP HOP, SALSA, TANGO, WEST COAST SWING, EAST COAST SWING, BACHATA, WALTZ, TAP,
I’d say maturity. And Krayzie Bone is back with us and talking to us again. Krayzie don’t really talk too much. He’s a quiet guy. And when he shares his musical ideas and opinions, it just turns the whole crew into something beautiful. When Eazy died, we were lost; life was messed up. We’re back on our feet—the odds aren’t stacked against us. As long as we ain’t all crackheaded out on some Key & Peele shit, looking all homeless and lost, we’re good. We get our publishing. We got granddad money. We are the Beatles, nigga. Take us or leave us, that’s what we are. Flat out.
HOP
What does the new Bone Thugs stuff sound like?
We’re going on that Megadeth kinda vibe. That Guns N’ Roses vibe. We do what
After the spa, there’s a long walk on the beach, then dinner. And after dinner, we’ve got strawberries and chocolate on the carpet in front of the fire. That’s the big one. We’re at a critical juncture at this point. Nightcap, firelight, shag-carpet fantasies. I need the perfect song, Bizzy.
You’re right. We’re at the critical stage here. You got the ripe strawberries [laughs], and you don’t want that chocolate too hot. Let me think [pauses]… I got it. You know what you play there? You play DeBarge. Can’t go wrong there with DeBarge.
Then my Jungle Sounds mix. And the Sounds from the Amazon Canopy CD. There are toucans.
I’ve gotta pick that up… ■
Bone Thugs-n-Harmony
MY PHILOSOPHY
ZULU JAM, 9TH WONDER, DONALD
BYRD
Peace to the Love Haters out there, but take a moment to jam Outkast’s “Happy Valentine’s Day” this week, because it’s a great, playful treatise on how, as a master once put it, “Love’s in Need of Love Today.” It’s not all just about played notions of romantic love (jealousy, ownership, patriarchal bullshit), though, so take a sec to think about love for yourself and love for your people—all people, all creation in fact. Love’s gonna get ya, word to Kris: “I got my good shoes on/And I got ’em tied up tight/So you gon’ find out… TONIGHT.” Having got that hippie service announcement out the way: This weekend, show some of that love to 206 Zulu for their ninth anniversary—at the annual Zulu Jam—going down in the historic environs of Washington Hall (Feb 15–17, see 206zulu.com). Seeing as it’s their nueve year, the Zulu mossie is bringing in North Cackalacka’s own beloved boardsman 9th Wonder. (A more appropriate choice than Bronx’s Nine or Kansas City’s Tech N9ne, I’m thinking.) You know him for Little Brother, for putting Jay-Z’s “Threat” in your mama’s mama’s crib, for putting Phonte Jean Grae, and Lil B the BasedGod on the same track—not to mention his numerous solo releases and collaborative albums with Murs, Buckshot, David Banner, and Pete Rock. 9th is also a teacher (as artist in residence at North Carolina Central University), which all adds up to the perfect pedigree for the Zulu Jam. Hey young world, why don’t you listen and learn? Speaking of, other guests include A.C. the Program Director of hiphopphilosophy.com. Also, Suntonio Bandanaz will be performing; he’s celebrating the release of his newest album, American Gangster Nerd. Boys and girls of the B should also know that there is a three-on-three battle worth nine, count ’em nine, bills for the victor. Go get at that and get Comcast off your ass, those bastards.
SYMPHONY UNTUXED
Sit back and get comfortable!
Friday, February 15, at 7pm MOZART’S PIANO CONCERTO NO. 21
Ludovic Morlot, conductor / Cédric Tiberghien, piano
Come at 5:30pm for no host specialty drinks and small plates by Wolfgang Puck Catering. Plus, stay after the concert to mingle with Seattle Symphony musicians. TICKETS FROM: $17
Friday, February 15, at 10pm PIERROT LUNAIRE
I want to send a big RIP shout-out to the OG Donald Byrd, who passed last Monday. Jazz heads revere his hard bop material, but hiphop heads know him best for the string of hit records he did with my pops and my late uncle Fonce, aka the Mizell Brothers, who he met while teaching class at Howard University (where he also discovered his band the Blackbyrds). That partnership led to stuff that provided classic grooves for A Tribe Called Quest (“Footprints”), Public Enemy (“Fear of a Black Planet”), Ice Cube (“I Wanna Kill Sam”), Main Source (“Looking at the Front Door”), and countless others. (Seriously, though, every hiphop producer I’ve ever met who figures out who my fam is always tells me that they’ve sampled some of those Byrd records before.) Besides, whoever the fuck sampled it, it’s all incredible music, and I don’t just say that because of the obvious—just give Places and Spaces a listen on a beautiful, sunny Seattle day like today happens to be. I guarantee it like my man at Men’s Wearhouse: You will feel the love. ■
Celebrate the 100th anniversary of Schoenberg’s groundbreaking Pierrot Lunaire at this late night concert that features Seattle Symphony musicians performing contemporary ensemble pieces in the Grand Lobby. TICKETS: $17
SUN/FEBRUARY 17 • 7PM NU BLACK ARTS WEST THEATRE PRESENTS: dark
TUE/FEBRUARY 19 • 7PM & 9:30PM 91.3 KBCS WELCOMES habib koite and eric bibb – brothers in bamako
THU/FEBRUARY 21 • 7:30PM ari hest w/ carrie rodriguez FRI/FEBRUARY 22 • 8PM CD RELEASE SHOW zach fleury w/ daniel blue & hannalee
TUE/FEBRUARY 26 • 7:30PM led kaapana
HIPHOP YA DON'T STOP
BY LARRY MIZELL JR.
9th Wonder
FLOWIZM
UP&COMING
Lose your intolerable ugliness every night this week!
For the full music calendar, see page 55 or visit thestranger.com/music For ticket on-sale announcements, follow twitter.com/seashows
Wednesday 2/13
Daniel Bachman, Jordan Fuller (Rendezvous) See Stranger Suggests, page 31
DJ Hyperactive, Trench (Q) See Data Breaker, page 59.
Thursday 2/14
DJ Pierre (Q) See Data Breaker, page 59.
Black Marble, Stephanie, Tokyoidaho, DJ Sh6rl6s6, DJ Ruben (Chop Suey) Black Marble’s musical backbone is exacting synth, with vocals that convey something dark and dreamy. Imagine, if you will (oh, you will), a man with an exceptionally low but beautiful voice. It’s very dark, and for some reason he’s inside of an old toy store, drunk. Rows and rows of windup toys make persistent beats in unison— little bears, dolls, and soldiers click and ting, playing their instruments with factory precision. As the melancholic crooner slowly weaves through the toy displays, his voice echoes around the room, creating a blissful numbness. Now snap out of it! Time to imagine Stephanie, Tokyoidaho, and DJs Ruben (of Hardly Art) and Sh6rl6s6 (of KEXP), because everyone on this bill is worthy of your love. EMILY NOKES
En Vogue (Jazz Alley) Keeping up with who’s in En Vogue is even harder than keeping up with who was in Destiny’s Child. The current iteration, which tonight
lands at Jazz Alley for a four-night run, features EV lifers Terry Ellis and Cindy Herron-Braggs, plus sporadic stand-in Rhona Bennett. (Meanwhile, the other two EV lifers—Maxine Jones and Dawn Robinson—announced last year that they’d be starting their own En Vogue, with court battles over the name looming on the horizon.) Whatever the case, friends of mine who’ve seen the now-touring En Vogue can’t stop raving about it, citing both the generous plethora of old hits and the serious “bringing it” of the vocal harmonies. So if you think you want to go, you should go. DAVID SCHMADER
The Growlers
(Crocodile) The sandy, salty party hits of the Growlers are rickety and melty at the same time—a 24hour retro beach circus of psychedelic enchantment, sung by a being who is equal parts surfer and skeleton. Some of their songs are raucous and wild, while others (the newer ones, off their most recent album Hung at Heart) are more thoughtful and, dare I say it, romantic. On top of that, the unpredictable live shows these vagabond party-punks put on makes for an excellent Valentine’s Day date option, especially if your person of interest is over the whole wine-sipping/slow-dancing thing (and has been known to drop acid while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and no pants). EMILY NOKES
Friday 2/15
Zulu Jam: 9th Wonder, Suntonio Bandanaz (Washington Hall) See My Philosophy, page 51.
Imaginary Pants, Weird Bug (Heartland) See Underage, page 59.
En Vogue (Jazz Alley) See Thursday.
The Redwood Plan, Head Like a Kite, Chaos Chaos, Vox Mod (Neumos) Tonight is the album release show for the Redwood Plan’s latest, Green Light Go—surging, electro-energetic, ultra-fun dance-core that will make your body move whether you had planned on it or not! It’s their party and you’ll dance if they want to (okay, I tried to make that work, but you know what I mean!) to their synthtastically defiant pop music. Also on the bill is Vox Mod, whose eagerly awaited forthcoming album SYN-ÆSTHETIC can’t come fast enough. (Our own Charles Mudede has asserted: “I rate SYN-ÆSTHETIC as the most important local album since Erik Blood’s Touch Screens.”) EMILY NOKES
Buke and Gase, Ahleuchatistas (Barboza) Damn, no matter how many times I try, I can’t correctly spell or pronounce Ahleuchatistas’s name on first attempt. However, I can immediately lock into the Asheville, North Carolina, duo’s fiercely inventive and tentacular prog rock. (Some will call it math rock, but that is just prog made by dudes with short hair in the time after punk burned itself out.) Anyway, forget terminology: Ahleuchatistas (guitarist Shane Perlowin and drummer Ryan Oslance) play a bracing strain of abstract-expressionist rock with mercurial dexterity, coruscating precision. Their Heads Full of Poison album bears traces of ’80s King Crimson, Steve Reich–ian minimalism, and African trance music whose exact origin’s hard to pinpoint. It’s one of the most fascinating and wild musical joyrides of recent years. DAVE SEGAL
Seattle Symphony: Pierrot Lunaire (Benaroya) It tore New York down the middle when it arrived in 1919 at the (wonderfully named) Klaw Theater. Pierrot Lunaire, Arnold Schoenberg’s expressionistic melodrama, “disrupted families, severed lifelong friendships, incited critics to unbrotherly remarks about one another, and filled whole pages in the Sunday music sections of the newspapers,” Lawrence Gilman wrote. The New York Times’ morning-after reviewer commented, “There
were other compositions, also said to be musical, associated with it on the program” (emphasis mine). More critical response from New York: “To many, the music is an indelicate sort of intolerable ugliness, lacking in the first elements that make music. To others, it was the evangel of a new art, tidings of great joy.” Stravinsky called Pierrot “the solar plexus as well as the mind of 20th-century music.” Now, the Seattle Symphony tackles it for the first time ever, in a late-night program. I wouldn’t miss this.
JEN GRAVES
Weed, Naomi Punk, Cascadia, Wasted USA
(Black Lodge) Brace yourselves for another gleefully noisy night at the Black Lodge with four bands that fall on the sludgier, heavier side of the Northwest punk-rock spectrum. Cascadia may be the most gentle of the bunch, with Sleater Kinney–style breaks of melodic vocals between bursts of slashing guitar and drums. Weed have a more droning, dreamy (you might even say stoned), wall-of-sound approach, with syncopated rhythms to keep things interesting. Olympia’s Naomi Punk are a minimalistpunk threesome and clearly a branch off the classic K Records family tree. I confess I don’t know much about Wasted USA and can’t find any tracks online. Wild card! BRENDAN KILEY
Saturday 2/16
SpaceRock Saturdays: Tess and Mike Robot, Drone Rivers, Ctrl_Alt_Dlt, Eugene Fauntleroy, Roddimus (Electric Tea Garden) See Data Breaker, page 59.
Gateway: Ghosts on Tape (Q) See Data Breaker, page 59.
En Vogue (Jazz Alley) See Thursday.
Mark McGuire, Spencer Clark, the Numbs, Marcus Price (Cairo) Gig of the night! Ex-Emeralds guitarist Mark McGuire is one of America’s leading proponents
2.14
2.15
9pm / 21+
2.16 Saturday (bluegrass) POLECAT Buzz Brump, Kate Lynne Logan
$7adv / $10dos / 8pm / 21+
2.17 Sunday (Hip Hop) FREE HIP HOP SHOWCASE: Feat NOTTUS TRE, PERRY PORTER, DL and Vagrence, The Neighbrohood, Joey Ka$h 8pm / 21+
2.19 Tuesday (Blues/Americana) TERRY ROBB BAND
Ethan Tucker, Brad Mackeson
$6adv / $8dos / 8pm / 21+
2.20 Wednesday (Bluegrass) WINTERGRASS ‘13 LAUNCH PARTY feat. Pickled Okra, Barleywine Revue, The Howdy Boys, Blueberry Hill
$5 adv / $8 doss / 8pm / 21+
FRIDAY
of the sort of sweet-toned kosmische soaring and strumming practiced by Manuel Göttsching, Günter Schickert, and Popol Vuh’s Daniel Fichelscher in the ’70s. Under various pseudonyms, ex-Skaters synth magus Spencer Clark takes Jon Hassell’s Fourth World Music/microbial drone tapestries to darker, more disorienting realms. He’s not to be missed. The Numbs (Seattle treblemaker Jeff Johnson), as I keep pounding into your apathetic skulls, is a firstclass reality-distorter in the vein of Black Dice, a comparison I never make lightly. His People cassette funhouse-mirrors “rock” and “dance” music into exotic grotesqueries. Marcus Price furthers this bill’s normality-mocking quotient with ruptured, psychedelic, abstract electronic whatsit. DAVE SEGAL
Yardsss, the Luna Moth, Glass Tunnels, Case and Ctrl (Josephine) Yardsss is Portland multi-instrumentalist/producer Krist Krueger, catalyst behind the band Southerly, whose Champion of the Noisy Negativists EP (which I called in these pages “a cauldron of methodical yet deeply moving instrumental rock”) you should have in your collection. Krueger calls Yardsss “post-art, musicology” but don’t be put off by the snooty connotations of that jargon. You don’t want to miss the way Yardsss inflates his songs into the flaming firmaments inhabited by post-rock icons like Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Mogwai. If you like understated grandiosity with unpredictable dynamics, get into Yardsss. DAVE SEGAL
Seattle Rock Orchestra performs the Smashing Pumpkins (Neptune) As if the Seattle Rock Orchestra weren’t wonderful enough, tonight they’ll test just how much my heart can physically swell with happiness when they play the soundtrack to my high-school years by paying tribute to the Smashing Pumpkins. The song list—featuring “Today,” “Bullet with Butterfly Wings,” “Disarm,” and more—is composed of selections from Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness, and guest vocalists include Zach Davidson of Vendetta Red, Nouela Johnston of Nouela, Mike Notter of Hannalee, and Cristina Bautista. Hobosexual will also be making an appearance! I might pee my pants a little bit. MEGAN SELING
Red Fang, Federation X, Dog Shredder (Neumos) I dare you to go to this show and stand through all three bands and not bang your head, not even once. It can’t be done! It might be easy during Dog Shredder, because you’ll be too captivated by their insane guitar skills to look away. And I could see you throwing a fist in the air a few times for Federation X, and definitely bobbing your head— hard—but since the night will still be early, and maybe the beers haven’t kicked in, you may not go into full headbang mode. But dude, once Red Fang hit the stage and deliver an onslaught of heavy rock that sounds like Queens of the Stone Age mixed with Black Sabbath, if you don’t whip your hair back and forth at least once, you’re deaf or dead—or, at the very least, unfun. MEGAN SELING
Sound Off! Semifinals Round
Two: the Female Fiends, Maiah Manser, SHEBEAR, Rose (EMP) Last Saturday, in the first round of Sound Off! semifinals, the Fame Riot clinched a coveted spot in the March finals, and tonight one more band will have the honor of joining them (and getting one step closer to securing a spot on this year’s Bumbershoot lineup, which is part of the grandprize package). With each band playing such a different sound, it’s impossible to guess who’ll win.
The Female Fiends play technical indie rock, Maiah Manser uses her own voice as an instrument in her
intriguing electronic pop songs, SHEBEAR’s tight pop will appeal to fans of the Killers, and Rose’s experimental hiphop comes with funny, confident lyrics. Good luck to all! MEGAN SELING
Sunday 2/17
Bone Thugs-n-Harmony
(Neumos) See Sound Check, page 50.
Her Aim Is True Benefit Concert: Merrilee Rush, Mark Whitman, members of the Sonics, the Wailers, the Daily Flash (Highway 99 Blues Club) See preview, page 49.
The Helio Sequence, Talkdemonic (Neptune) See Underage, page 59.
The Ruby Suns (Barboza) See Stranger Suggests, page 31.
En Vogue (Jazz Alley) See Thursday.
Herman’s Hermits, the Turtles (Snoqualmie Casino) As pure nostalgia bills go, this one’s quite nice. Herman’s Hermits have a passel of lightweight, utterly charming hits to toss like con-
fetti on baby boomers’ graying heads, including one of Western civilization’s crowning achievements, “I’m into Something Good.” The Turtles also could smith a tune into honeyed gold (or platinum), planting earworms in obscure crevices of your mind that last for decades (“Happy Together,” “She’d Rather Be with Me,” “Elenore”). But unlike a lot of ’60s pop bands, the Turtles had a lot of excellent deep cuts, including some that veered from the sunny template, like the heavy funk jams “Buzzsaw” and “I’m Chief Kamanawanalea.” Both have some of the ripest sample-worthy bits in the history of sampling, although it seems unlikely the 2013 edition of the Turtles will bust ’em out. DAVE SEGAL
Monday 2/18
Nothing is.
Tuesday 2/19
Jack DeJohnette Quartet featuring Ravi Coltrane (Jazz Alley) I refuse to discuss Jack DeJohnette’s fusion period. (Which is his peak. —Ed.) I want nothing to do with jazz’s decline into fusion. I want to instead bring up his contribution to one of Bill Evans’s last great albums, Bill Evans at the Montreux Jazz Festival On this record, Evans is, of course, on the piano, Eddie Gomez is, of course, on the bass, and DeJohnette is, of course, on the drums. This is how Montreux Jazz Festival sounds in my mind: The year is 1968 (I can hear that), the sun is out (I can hear that, too), and Evans, Gomez, and DeJohnette have connected to form a circle, from which emerges shimmering, glowing soap bubbles (I hear this perfectly—I also hear the bubble drifting about the Swiss air) of Evans’s main mood (beautiful but sad). Nabokov is living in Montreux at this time. He is living off the money he made from the novel Lolita. We can imagine him hearing from his hotel room one of Evans’s best renditions of “I Loves You, Porgy,” or DeJohnette’s delicately firm drumming. Tonight, this legendary jazz drummer performs with Ravi Coltrane, the son of a jazz god. CHARLES MUDEDE
every sAturdAy in feb
EXPENSIVE FAUXMANCE
7:30 pm, $22.50
KELL’S Liam Gallagher
NEUMOS Graveyard, the Devils Blood, Royal Thunder, Black Anvil, $17
NEW ORLEANS Legacy Band, Clarence Acox
OHANA Live Island Music
PINK DOOR Casey MacGill & the Blue 4 Trio, 8 pm
RENDEZVOUS Amor Y Sangre Flamenco, 7 pm, Daniel Bachman, Jordan Fuller, 9 pm
SEAMONSTER Rippin Chicken, 10 pm, free
SUNSET TAVERN Knut Bell & the Blue Collars, $6
TIM’S TAVERN Medicine Creek, guests, free
TRACTOR TAVERN North Mississippi Allstars, the London Souls, 8 pm, $18/$20
TRIPLE DOOR Victor Wooten, 9:30 pm, $30/$40
1-2-
1-2, 8 pm, $5
H a EL CORAZON Every Time I Die, the Acacia Strain, Vanna, Hundredth, No Bragging Rights, 7 pm, $17/$20
HIGH DIVE Rough People, the Stravinsky Riots guests, $6
JACK STRAW
PRODUCTIONS
2 Trios: Victor Noriega, Gust Burns, 7:30 pm, free JAZZ ALLEY Javina Magness,
TULA’S Hal Sherman’s Bellevue College Jazz Band, 7:30 pm, $7
VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Jerry Zimmerman
DJ
BALTIC ROOM Reverb: DJ Rome, Rozzville, Zooty B, Antartic
THE EAGLE VJDJ Andy J ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Passage: Jayms Nylon, Joey Webb, guests a HALO Bachata: DJ Alison, 9 pm, $4
HAVANA SoulShift: Peter Evans, Devlin Jenkins, Richard Everhard, $1 LAVA LOUNGE Mod Fuck Explosion: DJ Deutscher Meister
MOE BAR The Hump: DJ Darwin, DJ Swervewon, guests, 10:30 pm, free NEIGHBOURS Undergrad: Guest DJs, 18+, $5/$8
Q NIGHTCLUB Shelter, 9 pm, free
SEE SOUND LOUNGE Fade: DJ Chinkyeye, DJ Christyle, 10 pm
WILDROSE 2nd Hand: Mother Church, Pavone, free
THURS 2/14
LIVE
2 BIT SALOON The Blue Tracks
BARÇA Clark Gibson Trio, free a BENAROYA HALL Words of Love 15th Annual Valentine’s Concert: Andre Feriante, 8 pm, $40 a BLACK LODGE The
THE GHOSTS OF THE PINE BOX!
Do you know that beer pub the Pine Box—formerly the Chapel Bar, which was formerly the Butterworth funeral home, mortuary, and crematory—is supposedly haunted by at least two ghosts? That people claim to hear the disembodied voices of a little girl and an older man who is “very angry”? Local ghost hunters White Noise Paranormal recently went there and recorded prrrrr-riiiitty strange sounds. Watch the video at thestranger.com/drunkoftheweek. KELLY O
Valentine’s Day Black Prom:
Duke Ballsworthy and His Band, the Country Lips, Airport, 9 pm
BLUE MOON TAVERN St.
Valentine’s Happy Ending:
Velveteen Lotharios, Chicharra, guests $7
H CAN CAN Vince Mira
CENTURY BALLROOM
Valentine’s Day Salsa: Tumbao
CHOP SUEY Black Marble, Stephanie, Toykoldaho, DJ Sh6rl6s6, Dj Ruben, $10
COPPER GATE Fu Kun Wu
Trio, 8 pm, free
a CROCODILE the Growlers, guests, 8 pm, $15
DARRELL’S TAVERN Seattle School of Rock Showcase, $5
DISTRICT LOUNGE Cassia
DeMayo Quintet, 8 pm, free a EL CORAZON The Bloody Valentine: Hypercrush, Just One, Tap Tap, guests, 7 pm, $15/$20, Random aka “Mega Ran”, Urizen, guests, 8 pm, $8/$10
EMERALD QUEEN CASINO
Air Supply, 8 pm
H a FREMONT ABBEY
Sweethearts of Song:
Cumulus, Courtney Marie Andrews, the Cellar Door, Whitney Ballen, guests, 8 pm, $12/$15
a JOSEPHINE Elk Rider, Serpent Preacher, Skunk Rider, CakenBowls
KELL’S Liam Gallagher
LUCID The Hang: Caffeine, 9:30 pm, free
NECTAR Dia De Amor: Cordaviva, Si Limon, DJ Chilly, DJ Darwin, Tang, Toast, $6
OWL N’ THISTLE Danny Godinez
PINK DOOR Bric-a-Brac, 8 pm
SCARLET TREE How Now
Brown Cow, 9:30 pm, free
a SEATTLE ART MUSEUM
Dmitri Matheny, 5:30 pm, free
SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB
Westside Glory, 8 pm
SUNSET TAVERN What
Made Milwaukee Famous, guests, $8
TOWN HALL Juan-Carlos Formell, 7:30 pm, $18/$22
TRACTOR TAVERN Aces Up, guests, $10/$15
TULA’S Greta Matassa Quintet with Gary Scott, 7:30 pm, $15
VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Brazil Novo
THE WHITE RABBIT Marmalade, $6
DJ
BALLROOM DJ Rob, free
CAPITOL CLUB Citrus: DJ Skiddle
THE EAGLE Nasty: DJ King of Pants, Nark
ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN
Everything Electric: AJ Sorbello, Ramiro, Sean Imagina, Iris, $5-$10
H HAVANA Sophisticated Mama: DJ Sad Bastard, DJ
Nitty Gritty
HIGHLINE DJ Qweird, guests
LAVA LOUNGE Rock DJs: Guests
LO-FI Sorted!: Guest DJs, $3
MOE BAR Saucy: DJ Rad’em, DJ 100 Proof, free
NEIGHBOURS Jet Set
Thursdays: Guest DJs
NEIGHBOURS
UNDERGROUND The Lowdown: DJ Lightray, $3
OHANA Chill: DJ MS
H SEE SOUND LOUNGE ✝D MN $ON✝: Tony Goods, Jameson Just
PROM with Prom Queen, Caitlin Sherman, Ade, The Witness 8pm / $10
EVERY TUESDAY
Open Mic in the Bourbon Bar 7:30PM EVERY WEDNESDAY Absolute Karaoke 9PM EVERY THURSDAY Hip Hop in the Bourbon Bar 9PM EVERY SUNDAY Movie Night
Great Food and Drinks Specials Available for Private Events 21+
Thursday, Feb. 14th to Sunday, Feb. 17th
DAN CUMMINS
On August 3rd, 2000, Dan Cummins walked into a comedy club for the first time in Spokane, WA and performed five okay minutes at the amateur night open mic. Five years later, Dan figured out how to write a decent joke and performed at the 2005 Montreal Comedy Festival’s prestigious “New Faces” showcase. The next year he made his national television debut on “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” and appeared on Comedy Central’s “Live at Gotham.” Then he wrote some jokes that were a little better. Since then he’s been featured on NBC’s Last Comic Standing, Byron Allen’s Comedy.TV, and Conan O’Brien. His stand up comedy special, “Crazy with a Capitol ‘F’”, premiered on Comedy Central in 2010. Dan recently made his “Tonight Show” debut. into WA
KELLY O
LIVE
2 BIT SALOON Coven, 9 Lb Beaver the Aimlows, guests, 8 pm, $7
BARBOZA Buke and Gase, Aleuchatistas, 7 pm, $10
H a BLACK LODGE Naomi Punk, Weed, Cascadia, Wasted USA
BLUE MOON TAVERN Country Lips, the Outlaws, $8 CENTRAL SALOON White City Grave, Hades Machine, Dolly Shock a CENTURY BALLROOM DJ Cebrina
CHAPEL PERFORMANCE
SPACE Neil Welch, 8 pm
COLUMBIA CITY THEATER Prom Queen, the Witness, Kaitlin Sherman, $10
H COMET Soul Senate, the Fat Kids, Snug Harbor, $7
a CROCODILE Cloud Person, Aruvius Thud, the Parade Schedule, 8 pm, $5
DARRELL’S TAVERN the F-Holes, the Hook Ups, Yevtushenko, $6
H EL CORAZON Nashville Pussy, Neutral Boy, guests, 9 pm, $10/$12
a HEARTLAND Imaginary Pants, Craig Salt Peters, Weird Bug, Mselasco, 8 pm
HIGH DIVE the Jesus Rehab, Hounds of the Wild Hunt, the Great Um, 9:30 pm, $8
H HIGHLINE Seattle Passive Aggressive Magazine presents: Norska, Samothrace, Great Falls, Grenades, 9 pm
HIGHWAY 99 Sweethearts
Blues Bash: Northwest Women in Rhythm and Blues
H a JAZZ ALLEY En Vogue, 9:30 pm, $45
a NEPTUNE THEATER Leftover Salmon, $22.50/$25
H NEUMOS The Redwood
Plan, Head Like a Kite
Chaos Chaos, Vox Mod, 8 pm, $10
a PONCHO CONCERT
HALL Jovino Santos Neto
Paul Taub, the Unknown Flute Music of Hermeto Pascoal, 8 pm, $10/$20
RAVIOLI STATION
TRAINWRECK Dizzy, guests
a THE ROYAL ROOM Piano
Royale, 5:30 pm
SEAMONSTER Funky 2 Death, 10 pm, free
SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB
Bradford Loomis, 8 pm
SNOQUALMIE CASINO Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, 8 pm
a STUDIO SEVEN Hit the Ground Running, Until This Sunrise, guests, 4:30 pm, $8/$10, In The Between, Stoic FB, guests, 8:30 pm, $10/$12
TRACTOR TAVERN The Hot 8 Brass Band, Kissing Potion, $15
TRIPLE DOOR
Musicquarium: The Blackberry Bushes, 9 pm, free
TULA’S Dave Peck Trio, 7:30 pm, $15
H a VERA PROJECT Ayron
Jones & the Way, Ben Union, School of Rock, Bleachbear, 7 pm, $7/$11
VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE McTuff
a WASHINGTON HALL 206 Zulu Nation 9th Anniversary: 9th Wonder, Suntonio Bandanaz, A.C. the Program Director, 8 pm, $9
DJ
BALLROOM DJ Tamm of KISS fm
BALMAR Body Movin’ Fridays: DJ Ben Meadow, free BALTIC ROOM Bump
Fridays: Guest DJs
BARBOZA Just Got Paid: 100proof, $5 after 11:30 pm
CHOP SUEY Bootie Seattle Valentine’s Hangover: A Plus D, DJ Freddy King of Pants, DJ Destrukt, $5/$10
CONTOUR Afterhours, 2 am
CUFF TGIF: C&W Dancing: DJ Harmonix, DJ Stacey, 7 pm, Guest DJs, 11 pm, $5
THE EAGLE Bareback: DJ Kingofpants
ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN All
Ours: D-t3ch, Mikey V, Jason Curtis, the Architects, 10 pm, $10
FUEL DJ Headache, guests
GOOFY’S SPORTS BAR
Ladies Night: DJ Fehrone a HALO All Ages Salsa Dance: DJ Cebrina, 9 pm, $7
HAVANA DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5
LAVA LOUNGE DJ David James
NECTAR Total Request Live Night: DJ Indica Jones, Moynilectric, $5
NEIGHBOURS The Ultimate Dance Party: DJ Richard Dalton, DJ Skiddle
NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Caliente
Celebra: DJ Polo, Efren
OHANA Back to the Day: DJ Estylz
PONY Shenanigans: DJ Porq, DJ kKost
SCARLET TREE Oh So Fresh Fridays: Deejay Tone, DJ Buttnaked, guests
TRINITY Tyler, DJ Phase, Jerry Wang, Mikey McClarron, Kippy, $10
THE WOODS Deep/Funky/ Disco/House: Guest DJs
LIVE
2 BIT SALOON Thrashers Corner, Radio Shark, the Randy Hicks Band
BY ADRIAN RYAN
THURSDAY 2/14
A VALENTINE’S SCANDAL
’Tis time! That most wondrous time of the deep and depressing winter in which we celebrate one of the best massacres Chicago ever had with chalky-hearted love screeds, suicidal wishes, and expensive fauxmance. A time in which we come together to come together and, failing that, listen to Morrissey and slice at our wrists. It’s tradition! Or am I just fucking projecting—as usual? Whatever: Valentine’s Day is a murderous bitch dressed in a pink chocolate tutu. (WHO IS THIS SADISTIC SAINT VALENTINE BASTARD AND WHAT DID I EVER DO TO MAKE HIM HATE ME SO MUCH? I ask you.) So! Let’s just bite some bullets and get this over with, shall we? Jesus.
The first item on The Agenda tonight is an acrobatic exercise in whimsy and aerial magic. (Which is not the same as whimsical areola magic, please make a note of it.) It’s called Scandals on Broadway. The amazing Tamara the Trapeze Lady headlines the
BARBOZA Suction, Daughters of the Dead Sea, Badwater Fire Company, 7 pm, $8
BLUE MOON TAVERN
Kled, Shiplosion, Warning:Danger
H a CAIRO Mark McGuire, Spencer Clark, the Numbs, Marcus Price, 8 pm
CENTRAL SALOON
Mechanism, Darklight, Tyranny Theory
CENTURY BALLROOM The Careless Lovers
a CHAPEL PERFORMANCE
SPACE Concert Imaginaire, 8 pm
COLUMBIA CITY THEATER
Panama Gold, Clutch
Douglass, Larry Hawkins and Davey Jones, DJ Action Jackson, DJ Doc Blammer, 8 pm, $8
H COMET The Hoot
Hoots, Terrible Buttons, the Brambles, Sebastian and the Deep Blue, $7
a CROCODILE The Orwells, guests, 8 pm, $12
DARRELL’S TAVERN
Darrell’s Three-Year
Anniversary: The Georgetown Orbits, Hartwood, guests, $7
a EL CORAZON Super Geek League, Down North, Jonny Sonic, Slow Bunny, guests, 8 pm, $12/$15
HIGH DIVE City Faire, Tango Alpha Tango, the Dirty Thoughts, 9:30 pm, $8
H a JAZZ ALLEY En Vogue, 9:30 pm, $45
THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Cottonwood
Cutups, Vita and the One Eyed Jacks, Dead Sea Symphony, $5
NECTAR Polecat, Buzz Brump, Kate Lynne Logan, $7
bill, and she is a dazzling combination of grace, beauty, burlesque, and… um… a trapeze. (Imagine!) She will be joined for this colorful Valentine’s Day extravaganza by a talented cadre of burlesque and cabaret performers, like Gus Clark of the Nu Klezmer Army, Pidgeon Von Tramp, Boom Boom L’Roux, and Susy Queue, who promises to enchant us with a number inspired by Bedknobs and Broomsticks (Witchy!) You can show up at 6.30 p.m. and have a little dinner before the show, but since it’s Julia’s, well, maybe it’s best to have a large lunch and just come for the terrific show. Julia’s on Broadway, 8 pm, $15 adv/$20 DOS/$25 VIP, 18+.
THE RETURN OF THURSDAYS AT BALTIC ROOM
Do you miss ElektroPop (RIP)? Are you lacking the Valentine’s prerequisite of a properly scheduled booty call? Or did your date just turn out to be a namedropping doucheburger who was only interested in your Paramount season tickets—as usual? Then tonight’s second item is right up your throbbing little alley: Hissy Fit! A new every-Thursday, highoctane, drag-rich dance party for gay sluts starring the brilliant Robbie Turner and DJ Bret Law. Baltic Room, 9 pm, free before 10 pm/$3 after, 21+.
MONDAY 2/18
JINKX ON JINKX ACTION
Please be advised that from this point until she gets kicked off or wins the damn thing, it’s back to Julia’s we must go every Monday—the only place to view RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 5 with Jinkx Monsoon in the flesh. Large lunches are advised. Julia’s on Broadway, 8 pm, free, 21+.
Tamara the Trapeze Lady
wednesday February 13th
(ALL AGES/BAR W/ID) LOUNGE SHOW Mike Thrasher Presents: EvEry TimE i DiE ThE ACACIA STRAIN, VANNA, huNdREdTh, NO BRAGGING RIGhTS
$17 ADV / $20 DOS Doors at 6:00pm, Show at 7:00pm
thursday February 14th
(ALL AGES/BAR W/ID) Electric Dynasty Entertainment Presents “My Bloody Valentine” featuring: HuglifE dJ hEAVyGRINdER, JuST ONE, TAP TAP, BOMB ShEL, CLIMAx
$15 ADV / $20 DOS Doors at 6:30pm, Show at 7:00pm thursday February 14th
(ALL AGES/BAR W/ID) LOUNGE SHOW ranDom aka “mEga ran” uRIZEN, dR. AwkwARd, ABduCTEd By ShARkS, TuRTLESAuR, dJ dN3
$8 ADV / $10 DOS Doors at 7:30pm, Show at 8:00pm Friday February 15th
SUNSET TAVERN Dragstrip Riot, the Graceland Five, Piston Ready, C-Leb and the Kettle Black, $7
TIM’S TAVERN The Dirty Deals, Black River Blues, $3
TOWN HALL The King’s Singers, 8 pm, $15/$40
TRACTOR TAVERN Radiation City, Black Whales, the Comettes, 9:30 pm, $10
TULA’S Dave Peck Trio, 7:30 pm, $15
a UNION CULTURAL CENTER UCC Celebration: Seattle Fandango Project, Runoff, Capoeira Angola Performance, 7 pm, free VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE the Satellite 4, Ruby Bishop, 6 pm
DJ BALLROOM DJ Warren BALTIC ROOM Good Saturdays: Guest DJs
BY JACKSON HATHORN
FRIDAY 2/15
IMAGINARY PANTS, WEIRD BUG
If Valentine’s Day has left you longing for more swooning moments of tenderness, you should settle in for a night of dreamy pop this Friday night at Heartland. Imaginary Pants are purveyors of sentimental bedroom music, but it’s not a case of the emperor’s new clothes with this assiduous Vancouver, BC, duo. My favorite song from their self-titled album, “Ballad of Too-Small Wilson,” can be heard as a love letter about our city’s undersized NFL quarterback. Weird Bug are a punchier group, with songs about past lives and haunted houses, but they confront these apparitions head-on with a youthful and fearless élan. With Craig Salt Peters and Mselasco Heartland, 8 pm.
SUNDAY 2/17
THE HELIO SEQUENCE, TALKDEMONIC
The first show I ever attended in Seattle was a sold-out Grand Archives/Helio Sequence/Minus the Bear bill in 2007. I was 17 in a new city, and a mix of dumb luck and foolhardiness meant that I didn’t buy a ticket beforehand but somehow snuck into a concert for the first and only time, and it probably changed my life. I was most blown away by the Helio Sequence that night. Hearing songs from their then-upcoming Keep Your Eyes Ahead were tailor-made for being out on my own for the first time. Lyrically, their material drew on many of the things I was trying to leave behind—first breakups, youth groups, high-top Converse shoes—while the duo’s swelling, modern, and spacey instrumentation felt like the exuberant sounds of a future I was eager to meet. The Helio Sequence finally released a follow-up record last September, and Negotiations is a nocturnal album, a pleading letter describing a relationship that is fraught with betrayal. It’s less melodic than the rousing numbers that made Keep Your Eyes Ahead stand out, instead unfolding slowly with more minimalist tones (one of my favorite albums of all time, Talk Talk’s Spirit of Eden, immediately comes to mind during many of the songs). But even as lyrics recount the years gone by, while dreams are shattered and concessions are made, you still get the idea that singer Brandon Summers just wants one more night to hold the beleaguered object of his affection. Like any relationship that twists your gut or leaves your heart writhing on the floor, the Helio Sequence can make even the most reserved and spacious moments absolutely devastating. Neptune, 8 pm, $16.50 adv/$18.50 DOS.
H BARBOZA
Inferno: The Flavr Blue, DJ Swervewon, DJ WD4D, 10:30 pm, free before 11:30 pm/$5 after
CAPITOL CLUB Get Physical: DJ Edis, DJ Paycheck, 10 pm, free CONTOUR Europa Night, 9 pm
CUFF Gear Night: DJ Mattstands, This is a fetish themed event, with demonstrations at 9pm., no cover if wearing fetish gear
a HALO All Ages Swing Dance: DJ Mark Kihara, 9 pm, $5
HAVANA Rotating DJs: DV One, Soul One, Curtis, Nostalgia B, Sean Cee, $5
LAVA LOUNGE DJ Matt
NEIGHBOURS Powermix: DJ Randy Schlager
NEIGHBOURS UNDERGROUND Club
Vogue: DJ Chance, DJ Eternal Darkness
OHANA Funk House: DJ Bean One
PONY Meat: Amateur Youth
BY DAVE SEGAL
DJ Hyperactive
WEDNESDAY 2/13
THE UNBELIEVABLE INTENSITY OF TECHNO DJS HYPERACTIVE AND TRENCH
Huntington Beach via Chicago DJ Hyperactive (aka 4 Track Records boss Joe Manumaleuna) earned a sterling rep in the ’90s for his remorselessly banging, acidic techno on elite labels like Drop Bass Network, Communiqué, and Planet of Drums. Check out “Venus” for perhaps the zenith of Hyperactive’s peak-time heaters. The intensity of the rhythm and the synth stabs is almost off the scales. Trench, who splits his time between Seattle and Detroit, should complement well Hyperactive’s set with his own rugged, pressurized, and funky techno Q, 9 pm, free, 21+.
THURSDAY 2/14
OMFG, ACID-HOUSE PIONEER DJ PIERRE!
DJ Pierre was part of Phuture, one of the definitive Chicago house-music acts to push the Roland TB-303-powered acid sound, which kick-started the global acid-house phenomenon. Check out Phuture’s epic 11-minute “Acid Tracks” for a seminal seminar on how to make a piece of gear squelch in tongues and wring nearly infinite, infinitesimal permutations of twangy oscillations while keeping asses moving. Legends of DJ Pierre’s stature don’t glide through town very often, so treat this performance like the bucket-list event that it is. As his ebullient 2003 club smash with Byron Stingily and Paul Johnson puts it, “Get Ya Buzz On.” With Almond Brown and Karl Kamakahi Q, 9 pm, $10, 21+.
SATURDAY 2/16
GHOSTS ON TAPE’S DEPRAVED DEEP RAVE MUSIC
Ghosts on Tape, who puts on the Icee Hot parties in his home base of San Francisco, says he makes “DEEP RAVE music for tripped out weirdos,” proving that sometimes artists are their own most accurate critics. Thanks, Ghosts on Tape. Some of GOT’s output would fit right in on Q’s Wednesday night bill, actually. He keeps the tempos pretty high (usually between 128 and 140) and the textures well warped, the way you pill-poppin’ fiends like ’em, and the dynamics unslick, the way I like ’em. Q, 9 pm, free before 10 pm/$10 after, 21+.
TRINITY ((SUB)): Guy, VSOP, Jason Lemaitre, guests, $15/free before
H a CHOP SUEY Friends and Family, Kithkin, Bright White Lightning, Scarves, 7 pm, $8
COMET Fat Opie, Saint John and the Revelations, G.O.A.T., 4:30 pm, They Rise We Die, guests, 7:30 pm, $5/$6
CONOR BYRNE Open Mic: Guests, 8 pm
a CROCODILE ZZ Ward, Delta Rae, Martin Harley, 7 pm, $12
H a EL CORAZON Smokejumper, Big Eyes, guests, 7:30 pm, $8/$10
HIGH DIVE Mugatu, Omega Moo, Halcion Halo, 8 pm, $7
JAI THAI BROADWAY Rock
Bottom Soundsystem, free
H a JAZZ ALLEY En Vogue, 7:30 pm, $45
KELL’S Liam Gallagher
THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE The Living Deadbeats, Vile Display Of Humanity, Backstabbing Romeos, $5
LITTLE RED HEN Open Mic
Acoustic Jam with Bodacious Billy: Guests, 4 pm
NECTAR Nottus Tre, Perry Porter, the NeighBROhood, Seasik Tha Grim, Joey Ka$h, 8 pm, free
H NEPTUNE THEATER The Helio Sequence, 8 pm
NEUMOS Bone Thugs-NHarmony, Logics, $30-$100
H a SHOWBOX AT THE MARKET The Presidents of the United States of America, Campfire Ok, guests a SKYLARK CAFE & CLUB the Last Great Fire, Matthew O’Toole, 3 pm, $5, Holly Figueroa, 8 pm, free SNOQUALMIE CASINO Herman’s Hermits, Turtle, 7 pm a STUDIO SEVEN Cold December Way, Milo & the
Understuddies, guests, 6:45 pm
SUNSET TAVERN The Stone Foxes, Sundries, guests, $8
TULA’S Jay Thomas Big Band, 4 pm, $5, Jim Cutler Jazz Orchestra, 8 pm, $10
VITO’S RESTAURANT & LOUNGE Ruby Bishop, 6 pm, the Ron Weinstein Trio, 9:30 pm
DJ
BALTIC ROOM Mass: Guest DJs
CAPITOL CLUB Island Style: DJ Bookem, DJ Fentar
CONTOUR Broken Grooves: DJ Venus, Rob Cravens, guests, free CUFF Tea Dance: John England, 6 pm, $5
THE EAGLE T-Bar/T-Dance: Up Above, Fistfight, free a FULL TILT ICE CREAM Vinyl Appreciation Night: Guest DJs, 7 pm
HIGHLINE Black Celebration: Guest DJs, 10 pm LAVA LOUNGE No Come Down: Jimi Crash MOE BAR Chocolate Sundays: Sosa, MarsONE, Phosho, free
NEIGHBOURS Noche Latina: Guest DJs
H PONY TeaDance: DJ El Toro, Freddy King of Pants, 4 pm
H Q NIGHTCLUB Revival: Riz Rollins, Chris Tower, 3 pm, free
H RE-BAR Flammable: DJ Wesley Holmes, 9 pm
SEE SOUND LOUNGE Salsa: DJ Nick THE STEPPING STONE PUB Vinyl Night: You bring your records, they play them
MON 2/18
LIVE
2 BIT SALOON Metal Monday: Esoson, Gravel Hitch, the Devils of Loudun, $5 a EL CORAZON Clouds Like Mountains, guests, 7:30 pm, $8/$10
KELL’S Liam Gallagher THE KRAKEN BAR & LOUNGE Lb!, Reptilian Shape Shifters, You May Die in the Desert, In Tongues, 8 pm, $5
MAC’S TRIANGLE PUB Jazz and Blues Night: Guests, free NEW ORLEANS The New
Orleans Quintet, 6:30 pm
SEAMONSTER Monday Night Open Mic: 10 pm
a STUDIO SEVEN Turisas, Firewind, Stolen Babies, Phalgeron, Avoid the Void, 6:30 pm, $16/$18
TULA’S Purple Passion Swing Band, 7:30 pm, $5
H THE WHITE RABBIT
Michael Shrieve’s Spellbinder, $6
DJ
BARBOZA Minted: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free CAPITOL CLUB The Jet Set: DJ Swervewon, 100 Proof a CENTURY BALLROOM DJ Essey, 7:30 pm
H CHOP SUEY Tigerbeat, 10 pm, free
COMPANY BAR Rock and Roll Chess Night: DJ Plantkiller, 8 pm, free CONOR BYRNE Get the Spins: Guest DJs, free HAVANA Manic Mondays: DJ Jay Battle, free THE HIDEOUT Introcut, guests, free LAVA LOUNGE Psych/Blues: Bobby Malvestuto LO-FI Jam Jam: Zion’s Gate, Sound Selecta, Element, Mista Chatman, $5
THE MIX Bring Your Own Vinyl Night: Guests, 6 pm MOE BAR Minted Mondays: DJ Swervewon, 100proof, Sean Cee, Blueyedsoul, free
BLUE MOON TAVERN Weener, Stevedore CENTURY BALLROOM DJ Mark, DJ Koichi, DJ Kristina CHOP SUEY Plateau, the Duke Evers Band CONOR BYRNE Ol’ Time Social: The Tallboys, 9 pm H COPPER GATE The Suffering Fuckheads free H a EL CORAZON Doro, Sister Sin, Witchburn, guests, 8 pm, $18/$20
ELECTRIC TEA GARDEN Monktail Creative Music Concern, DJ Shonuph, free
HIGH DIVE
Psychedelephant, Death Mountain Rotor Cloud, Briar, 8 pm, $6
JAZZ ALLEY Jack DeJohnette Quartet featuring Ravi Coultrane, 7:30 pm, $28.50
KELL’S Liam Gallagher
THE MIX Jazz Night: Don
FILM
Film Review Revue
Who Love Dogs, Codependent Teens, and an Amazing Melissa McCarthy
Happy People: A Year in the Taiga dir. Werner Herzog
In this documentary, the great German director Werner Herzog takes us to a village in the subarctic Siberian taiga. The village has 300 souls who are sustained by hunting. The hunters are stoic and resourceful, and spend a good amount of time alone in the woods trapping little animals, netting big fish, and shooting strange birds out of the sky. These men show emotional warmth not when speaking about their children or their wives or their country or their youth, but about their dogs. Life for them is, above all, a search for the right dog, the dog that will obey commands, assist in a hunt, and be ready to sacrifice its life for its master.
Herzog narrates the documentary in a way that one might mistake for a parody of Herzog. He repeatedly states the obvious (the river is melting because it is summer, notice how the hunter does not feed his dog much food, and so on) and is moved only by the rugged/rustic stupidity of the men, their constant struggles with the forces of nature, and their indifference to beauty. These men, Herzog believes, are happy because they have no illusions. When a flashy politician visits their village by boat to ask for votes, the hunters yawn and walk away. Politics and its promises mean nothing to them. What is important is making traps, cutting down trees, and raising dogs. Later in the film, one hunter defends his way of life by saying that farmers are more dishonest than hunters. Farmers keep their animals for years and then kill them. Animals in the woods, on the other hand, have no such illusions about hunters. When a hunter enters the woods, the animal knows the hunter is up to no good and runs for safety. CHARLES MUDEDE
BBeautiful Creatures dir. Richard LaGravenese
eautiful Creatures is passably entertaining, but like many movies geared toward tweens and teens, it smacks of sexism and reinforces the troubling myth pushed at young girls that true love strikes before the SATs.
Herzog narrates the documentary in a way that one might mistake for a parody of Herzog.
Adapted from the best-selling first book of Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl’s Caster Chronicles series, Beautiful Creatures tells the story of Lena Duchannes (Alice Englert), a beautiful orphan about to turn 16. But unlike most teenagers in the small Christian town of Gatlin, Lena is no ordinary high-school junior; she’s a supernatural caster—a witch. This basically means that on her birthday, her “true nature” will decide whether she is good, evil, or worse than evil: a man-eating succubus. Lena’s guardian uncle, the good caster Macon Ravenwood (Jeremy Irons), is rooting for Lena to be good (oddly, male casters aren’t chained to their fate—they get to choose whether to be good or evil), while her mother—who’s a ghost?—and slutty cousin tempt her to the dark side. Complicating matters, Lena has just met her one true love, Ethan Wate (Alden Ehrenreich), but she’s under the spell of a Civil War love curse, so her uncle forbids her from seeing him.
If I’m doing a bad job of summarizing the plot, it’s because the plot is all over the place. Compounding the suckiness are CGI effects and costumes reminiscent of the cut-rate WB network and an off-putting soundtrack. (And if you’re sensitive to racism, the character of Amma the voodoo librarian will make you cringe.)
That said, Beautiful Creatures is infinitely more watchable than any of the toothy teenage turds shit out by Stephenie Meyer,
mostly thanks to a few glimmering moments of sharp dialogue and the on-screen charisma of Ehrenreich. For instance, after a clingy Christian mom demands a good-bye kiss from her son, Ehrenreich deadpans, “So is your mom a good kisser or what?” Still, these moments are not enough to save the movie, or even worth stomaching another plot that revolves around teenage codependency and the inherent evilness of women. CIENNA MADRID
Identity Thief dir. Seth Gordon
Identity Thief isn’t a very good movie. It’s got a couple of moments where you’d have to be dead not to burst out with a little surprised laughter, spread sparsely around its too-long run time. It’s not especially well-written, either. A schlubby guy named Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman, amusing but going back to the schlubby-straightman-comedy well one time too many) has his identity stolen by a Florida woman named Diana (Melissa McCarthy). Because local law enforcement is mostly powerless when it comes to identity theft—something to which many of us can personally attest—Patterson heads to Florida himself to capture Diana and bring her to justice. A road trip packed with forced comedy bits and occasional bursts of gory action (the pair is pursued by a sleazy bounty hunter played by Robert Patrick and a couple of ruthless hit men) ensues.
But Identity Thief has one glorious thing going for it, and that is Melissa McCarthy. If you were left wondering after her star turn in Bridesmaids whether McCarthy was a one-trick pony, Identity Thief is your proof that she’s star material. There’s one scene early in the film, just before the first puke joke, where it occurred to me that something weird was happening on screen. “My God,” I thought to myself, “she’s actually acting!” McCarthy takes a scene that would in a thousand other actors’ hands be a standard excuse to ham it up—Diana spends a disgusting amount of Sandy’s money at a bar—and supplies it with equal veins of nuance and broad physical comedy. Her Diana is a manic clown, all right—she falls over and dishes out funny neck punches and looks silly when she runs—but McCarthy fills her giant eyes with this desperate neediness that makes all the humor she finds in her character feel a little bit dangerous. You get the sense right away that this is a woman who has no friends and is willing to spend disgusting amounts of money so she can pretend that anyone gives a shit about her.
I can’t exactly recommend Identity Thief, because it’s mostly a waste of your time. But if you’re especially interested in comedy performances and if you like great acting that has been smuggled into otherwise unremarkable movies, you’ll find something to enjoy about it. PAUL
HAPPY PEOPLE: A YEAR IN THE TAIGA Werner Herzog’s latest invasive procedure.
“a mUst- see!”
- pete hammond, movieline
“a captivating story of the power of love and second chances.”
- whitney english, sheKnows.com
My Louisiana Love
Shown in association with Longhouse Media as part of the Indigenous Showcase series, this film is one woman’s reflection on the environmental challenges facing her Houma Nation people. Northwest Film Forum, Sat Feb 16 at 5 pm.
by charles mudede
iTaliaN aMERiCaN
In the new book The Making of Global Capitalism: The Political Economy of American Empire, Canadian socialists Sam Gindin and Leo Panitch make the argument that globalization in the second half of the 20th century was in fact just Americanization. Their main point: The globalization of capitalism was not something that happened because markets have a natural tendency to expand and search for new opportunities; it happened because, after the war, the American state had the economic and military power to build the financial networks and impose the policies that established a planetary-scale market system. And because there are many different types of capitalism (British capitalism, South African capitalism, Singaporean capitalism), the type of capitalism that became universal was American.
This brings me to two films, Mamma Roma and 8½, by famous postwar Italian directors Pier Paolo Pasolini and Federico Fellini. Pasolini’s Mamma Roma was completed in 1962 and Fellini’s 8½ in 1963. The first film is a part of Seattle Art Museum’s series Viva Italia; Grand Illusion is screening the second film to celebrate its 50th anniversary. Mamma Roma is about a former prostitute (Anna Magnani) who is doing her best to raise her 16-year-old son, and 8½ is about a director who, as an artist,
oscar noMinated docuMentary shorts
This year’s batch of Oscar-nominated documentary shorts. SIFF Film Center, Fri 7 pm, Sat 7:30 pm, Sun 12:45, 3:15, 5, 7:30 pm.
oscar noMinated short FiLMs 2013
This year’s batch of Oscar-nominated short films, divided into two programs: live-action and animated. Harvard Exit, see landmarktheatres.com for full schedule.
H oscar snubs Movie Marathon A movie marathon dedicated to those films shafted by the academy, featuring A Star is Born (the original), Fargo The Thin Man, Do the Right Thing, Blazing Saddles, and one final secret feature. Entry fee is $75, with lunch and dinner provided. SIFF Cinema Uptown, Sun Feb 17 at 10 am.
H true roMance Tony Scott’s 1993 romantic crime thriller, starring a Quentin Tarantino script and everyone you’ve ever heard of. King’s Hardware, Mon Feb 18 at dusk. Now PlayiNg
H MaMa
Mama is a film that works best in the shadows, propped up by creepy performances from two skittery kids and a ghost whose intentions are stifling. Individual elements of the story are weak—why is everyone so incredulous that a bass player in a band might make an okay mother? Why are ghost mommies always losing their babies? Why does everyone keep going to the haunted cabin?—but when Mama works, it evokes the same atmospheric claustrophobia and tension that made the short so profoundly scary. (COURTNEY FERGUSON)
H side eFFects
At first, Side Effects presents itself as a straightforward drama in which a young woman (Rooney Mara) awaits the release of her insider-trading husband (Channing Tatum) from prison. During his time away, she’s attempted to correct her ever-worsening depression with a variety of medications, each carrying its own bundle of side effects, from sexual dysfunction to sleepwalking. A psychiatrist (Jude Law) with deep ties to the pharmaceutical industry becomes involved. It’s impossible to discuss further specifics without spoiling the movie, but it all adds up to a twisty, chilling, sometimes goofy (in a good way) Hollywood thrill ride. (DAVID SCHMADER)
H siLver Linings PLaybook
Silver Linings Playbook is a brilliant schmaltzy movie. Bradley Cooper stars as a man with bipolar disorder who moves back in with his parents and tries to woo his exwife with the help of a young widow (Jennifer Lawrence, being incredible and making it look easy). Sure, it’s an emotionally manipulative romantic comedy. But the quality of the performances, the script, and David O. Russell’s direction make it an authentic emotionally manipulative romantic comedy. (PAUL CONSTANT)
MCMENAMINS SIX ARMS, ROY STREET, AND MILL CREEK
are now hiring LINE COOKS and PUB STAFF! Qualified apps must have an open & flex sched including, days, eves, wknds and holidays. We are looking for applicants who have prev exp and enjoy working in a busy customer service-oriented enviro. Please apply online 24/7 at www.mcmenamins.com or pick up a paper app at any McMenamins location. Mail to 430 N. Killingsworth, Portland OR, 97217 or fax: 503-2218749. Call 503-952-0598 for info on other ways to apply. Please no phone calls or emails to individ locs! E.O.E.
VOLUNTEERS
ACT LOCAL, THINK Global! Join the Oxfam Action Corps in Seattle! Help women farmers, promote food justice, save the planet. www.oxfamamerica.org/whatyoucando/ take-action/community-action
ARE YOU OVERWEIGHT & INTERESTED IN THE HEALTH EFFECTS OF VITAMIN D? See our Web Post-Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center
BECOME A VIP Manager! 360 hours over 10 months.For more information contact Rachael, Rachael@501commons.org. Service award when 360 hours complete.
DO YOU LIKE SODA POP? See our web post for details. Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center
DO YOU LOVE automobiles? Volunteer at Lemay Americas Car Museum! For information visit our web site: www.LemayMuseum.org or email Volunteer@LeMayMuseum.org.
WASHINGTON PARK ARBORETUM needs you to help kids learn, grow and play outside. Contact Lisa Sanphillippo 206-543-8801 or lsanphil@uw.edu BUSINESS OPPORTUNITIES
$$$HELP WANTED$$$ EXTRA Income! Assembling CD cases from Home! No Experience Necessary! Call our Live Operators Now! 1-800-4057619 EXT 2450 http://www.easyworkgreatpay.com (AAN CAN) ATTEND COLLEGE ONLINE from Home. *Medical, *Business, *Criminal Justice,*Hospitality. Job placement assistance. Computer available. Financial Aid if qualified. SCHEV authorized. Call 800-481-9472 www.CenturaOnline.com (AAN CAN)
CARS/TRUCKS
CASH FOR CARS: Any Car/Truck. Running or Not! Top Dollar Paid. We Come To You! Call For Instant Offer: 1-888-420-3808 www.cash4car.com (AAN CAN)
APARTMENTS
BURIEN $345
Sober living Services has just opened a New Coed Home In The Burien area, http://soberlivingservices.vpweb.com/ , Bunk Beds start at $345.00. Twin beds are available
DOWNTOWN $849
Second Chance Leasing. Free Rent.
Click http://FreeApartmentLocators. Net for Dallas, Arlington, Carrollton, Fort Worth, Houston, Clear Lake, Sugar Land and Cypress Apartments. Call Now. 281-690-2402. All areas, prices and sizes. One month free rent. Instant Free Help. Second Chance Finder Services.
$825
HOUSES
COUNSELING
AFFORDABLE COUNSELING FOR individuals, families and relationships of all configurations. Sliding scale. The price of therapy shouldn’t drive you crazy. G/L/B/T/Q/I sex positive/ sex worker/kink friendly Cristien Storm, M.A. LMHC www.cristienstorm.com 206-769-3160
ANGER MANA GEMENT Is your life
REAL ESTATE FOR SALE
VIEW LOT (24,000+SQ.FT) just waiting for custom home or potential for 3units. Excellent location. Call, Natalia 206-979-0753, AssociateBroker, Skyline Properties, www.NataliasHomes.com
ROOMMATES
GREENWOOD
Greenlake/Greenwood 1929 English Tudor Whole 2nd fl flat-type apt. 1BR w/LR or use as 2BR w/kit-family rm combo. $825 for 1 person. $95 for all utl incl cable & wifi. NS or NP. No background problems. 206-229-8853 11am-7pm.
QUEEN ANNE $1,000
Large 1 & 2BD’s. 1BD w/balcony, 2BD with views! Great location, DW, w/s/g included. $1000-$1600/mo. 1000 1st Ave. W. Call (206)286-9488
ART STUDIO/CREATIVE
I AM LOOKING for someone that would be interested in sub-leasing this room. Please call 425.444.5053 or email at robert@thevocaliststudio.com.
of the mouse! Visit: www. Roommates.com. (AAN CAN)
AMAZING MANSION LIKE home on the east bluff queen anne with great views has large bedroom available. master sized with 3 closets,fireplace,views, oak floors. 3400 sf CLICK HERE FOR more details or visit www.MetroRoommates.com
RECOVERY SERVICES HOUSING Sober living Services has just opened a Coed Home In The Burien area, http:// soberlivingservices.vpweb.com/ Bunk Beds start at $345.00. Twin beds are available.
MASSAGE
FREE, FULL FEATURED Online Appointment & Resource Booking solution that is ideal for single practitioners or service providers and allows up to 20 bookings per month.Available at: http:// www.click4time.com/free
LIKE A JAPANESE Hot Springs - At The Gated Sanctuary you can soak naked outside amoung soaring cedar trees in jetted hot pools, dip in a cold plunge, and relax with therapeutic massage. Unwind in our eucalyptus steamroom. (425)334-6277 www.TheGatedSanctuary.com
MEDICAL MARIJUANA
ATTENTION FARMERS! WANT your meds 30% Faster?
CAR SERVICE
ENJOY A SOOTHING massage on capitol hill. 7 days a week until 9:00 p.m. Jeff LMP 206-650-0542 $50.00 an hour. All are welcome and last minute appointments encouraged. www.broadwaymassage.com Reduce stress, anxiety, sore muscles, and back pain.
EXCELLENT THERAPEUTIC MASSAGE, since 1994 www.eptribe.com/irene
CLEANING
I’M A 25 year old guy looking to join a group. I have many years of music experience, playing all different kinds of music, would prefer to play in a tight rock group, but can also go experimental too.
LOOKING FOR OLD bastards to start a hardcore band... I miss it. was in a bunch of bands (checkout ReverbNation or Facebook for Castle Blood or Travesty) but can’t find anyone... Interested? Contact me: Charlie = cgriffith1965@gmail.com
MUSIC INSTRUCTION & SERVICES
PIANIST AVAILABLE
I’m Richard Peterson, 64 year old composer, arranger, and pianist. I’m available to play parties, weddings, clubs, shows, etc. $200/gig. Covers and originals. Please call 206-325-5271, Thank You! CD available.
SINGER THAT WANTS to write original music. I’ve had a fair amount of training and have lyrics with some music written. My influences include: classic & alternative rock, new wave, many genres. moja26@yahoo.com
VERSATILE BASS PLAYER looking for established/working band. Part-time jobs, serious inquiries only.NO hard-rock, heavy metal! www.myspace.com/basstibi WWW.REVERBNATION.COM/ ARISENFROMNOTHING REGUEST THEM TO PLAY IN YOUR AREA!The band has enjoyed airplay on Seattle’s 102.5 KZOK FM’s “Bob Rivers Show”, KISW 99.9 “Loud and Local” and KATS 94.5 Request them in your area, donnhill8@me.com
MUSICIANS WANTED
DANGERFIELD NEWBY PLAYS original indie pop/rock and has fun doing it. All the pieces are in place we just need the bass! Guided by Voices, Death Cab, Wilco, Edith Piaf, David Lee Roth (solo era - Yankee Rose). On Soundcloud.
ELECTRIC PIANO, ORGAN, sonic keyboard musician wanted for original rock trio, (older), for local shows, and possibly further. Nick Cave, Pavement, Fall, Modern Lovers, early Stones, George Jones and more... amateurs and enthusiasts preferred.
ELECTRONIC MUSICIANS/ PROGRAMMERS/COMPOSERS; CALL ME AT 206-860-3534
FREE AND COMPLETE articles on Songwriting, Recording, Self-Releasing and Promoting your own songs at www.MyCD.ca
GUITARIST SEEKING BASS guitar and drummer. I have been working on songs. My major influence is smile empty soul so check them out to know what sound im goin for contact 253 329 6121 jon
LEAD GUITARIST NEEDED for Original Metal/Metalcore Band
(Tacoma/UP/Fircrest)TEXT FIRST 253278-0400 for more details. Samples of your playing would be appreciated.
LOOKING FOR FEMALE vocalists in Seattle area to make electronic/alt music. Please email me for details. Looking to start a duet and gig and sell music. Contact: steve132@iname.com
METAL. GLENN. 206.331.6222. mrwholewheat@gmail.com. Seattle. 30yo. Student, dad, guitarist, songwriter, recording engineer. I’m mostly nice and have long hair and a Lemmy beard. Contact for musical samples, and have your own ready for me.
METALIBÜXX, SEATTLE’S PREMIER 80’s hard rock purveyors, seek new LEAD GUITARIST. Dio, Ratt, Priest, Ozzy, Scorpions, Rush, more! YOU play the solos, get the groupies! Crazy fun. Club Gigs and festivals. See http://www.youtube.com/metalibuxx find us on Facebook, then email stonemary0@gmail.com
NOW LEGAL! SEATTLE’S NOW LEGAL! Seattle’s Premier Green Marching Band Small local non-profit seeks Horns, Woodwinds, Percussion for newly forming Seattle Green Marching Band. 18+, dependable, fun folks wanted to play summer events in and around Seattle. Noon-7pm 206-462-1415
SCRUMPTIOUS AND THE Backbeat, soul rock band from Seattle, now auditioingn brass players (sax, trumpet, trombone, etc). Basic theory and/or songwriting skills a plus. We perform about 1-2 times/month. For band info, music, and contact info check www.andthebackbeat.com
STREET MUSICIANS WANTED for Online Busking. Perform online by webcam for tips. Viewers tip on website with virtual tokens, cash out tokens through PayPal for real cash. www.StreetJelly.com
YOU A DRUMMER? We want to play live. We just need you. Ready to record. Bits of influence from Tool, Muse, Radiohead, Placebo. Please give the songs a listen and determine if it is right for you: www.obolband.com
RECORDING/REHEARSAL
BAND REHEARSAL SPACE 1 Shared Room @$210/month Incl. 36hrs/ month & Private closet and Private Rooms @ $500/mo. Call 425-4459165 or Visit wildersoundstudios.com Located in SODO Seattle
LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! Love’s strange, but u r not. Love u M.A.
MARYALLIEGRETA! For the first time we are a family of FOUR. Intimidating, but sweet nonetheless. Love you and excited for life as not-usual.
Love Chad
DEAR FIRST LADY I love you like a fat kid love cake. We are apart yes, but thoughts of you fill my days and nights. I love you and I love us, 8 days a week.
SEAL MEAT I’m so happy that the Grumbler House is full of love, and there’s always plenty of Seal meat to go around! Love you babe!
NOT MY FIRST RODEO
DeMakes! These states between us are really screwing things up. Let’s figure it out sooner than later. I think we could be the real deal...& I like it
TO BD, FROM TB Lots of excitement as we near our 14th anniversary and our wedding day (finally get to make it official!). You make me happy everyday. I love you!
TO MY SPECIAL K Beloved INFJ, the past year has been an amazing roller coaster ride of love and so much more! To many, many more! Smoochies, your loving ESTJ
<3 MITHRIL TUXEDO <3
You make me happy. And a better person. And you show me awesome new things. AND YOU DO MY LAUNDRY. You are a wonderful, wonderful man. I LOVE YOU. <3
LA LA LOVE YOU I love u more than SVU. I love u more than vegan cake. I love u more than puppies & pizza & all my LPs combined. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!
HUBBA HUBBY! <3 You + me, then I & E/A wonderful life created/With chaos & laughter, we are inundated/All from a spark one 4th of July/You are my darlin’ sweetie pie A NIGHT OF PASSION
Kimberly, just B ready 4 U, me, & Jimmy (& whoever else cums along) & a whole lot of firsts. Either way, U might not walk straight 4 a week.
BBYDLL!! I love you and I love our crazy family. You, Joey, Rudie, and Mabel are the best things that have ever happened to me. Love, your bbydll LOVE YOU AND YOU.
Thanks to my wife for love, insight & a tight grip. Thanks to my lover for taking needles, collars $ bruises. Thanks for loving each other. -Sex Horse
TO MY MAMA BEAR! I’m so happy to have you in my life. Looking forward to many more #weekendsoffun with you. Love, LBC
MY SWEET ANGEL Dear husband, I wanna do things to your butt. Love, wife
HOT IRANIAN NURSE My little goashee... I love you way more than a centimeter. Your jolly green man.
KITTEN + LOU = unicorns peeing rainbows, that church emoticon with the heart popping out top, grecian cokehead twinz.. I’m the luckiest. We’re getting MARRIED!! HOT BIG WATER I love you like I’ve never loved before or ever will again! You inspire me to be a better person. Let’s do this thing we call “love” every day... BUTTER WAFFLE! I promised you a massage on every day that it rains. Ask and ye shall receive! Love you so much, Nugget. These seven years are only the beginning. <3 THE JOES FOREVER To my dearest Joe, I love you more than anyone will ever know. Love always, the other Joe. SPECIAL MAN Seems so long ago that I asked you on the street for bud then walked with you to buy a $3 bottle of wine. Now here we are, I love you so very much.
CHAPULIN! Wishing my fire breathing grasshopper (and me) a passion filled day. Amare siempre!
NO IFS, ANDS OR UHS We wouldn’t have made it this far without doing something right, & I blame it all on YOU. Trading you in for a younger model is NOT gonna happen!
I LOVE YOU DITCH! bicycle babe wanna hump yr face, stay up all night singsonging, eat berry pie, throw bricks & make out forever. so glad to be yrs non-possessively.
WAFFLES BUDDY! DrewMAD LOVE my talented, creative, humble, insightfully sensitive man. I can’t wait to share the moments, days and decades to come with you. Gage
TEAM BABY! Happy eighth Valentines, baby! I can’t remember my life w/o you. You make everything joyful, funny and amazing. I’m so lucky to have you & I love you!
SEXY VALENCIA Sexy, rexy, baby put a hex on me. I fell in love with you, before I even knew what love was. These 7 years have been beautiful. I adore you!!
BOO BOO BABY Remember when I couldn’t find the Valentines I wrote for you in the stranger and I cried? You found them & we laughed. You make everything better. :)
YOURSWEETPUMPKIN Loves you more every year. Happy Valentines Day. My favorite holiday---after Groundhogs Day!
MY DEAR FRANCOIS I’m totally in love with you, but you weren’t man enough to choke a bitch. Now I hate you. Call me if you’re ever ready to really get your freak on!
YOUR BALLS, MY CHIN 9 years and counting, you’ve put a twinkle in my eye and your self down my throat. Made you blush babe, love Joe
AUTODYZOMOPHOBIC seven months Ago you claimed thiS afflicTion and I admitted my keeN olfactive abilities. port townsend, Freaknight, airpOrt, and moRE. i loVe yA! YPL
BUA LUVS BUAH Luvs and kisses and Happy Valentine’s Day to my Buah- thanks for helping me to put the foundations under my castles in the air! Team Bua(h)s forever!
RBDEBBY:
thank you for all you do for our family. love you forever, J XXOOXXOO My Gizmo, so glad you are my Valentine! Love Always, POOK IN MY HEART FOREVER! Richard, I miss your presence when work takes you away. Being in love with you for almost 7 years reminds me that no obstacle is permanent! Eileen ~ TTA ~ thx for making 2013 my favorite year yet. yr the cutest and i love you. can’t wait to wear a really chic YSL suit at our gay wedding. ~kt I LOVE HAM!! Ham, I love him. Because he is my favorite, and we have many adventures. Especially food adventures. Love my favorite!! --B PORNSTAR FOREVER! i still love u even tho u fuck up most holidays xoxo boo boo kitty fuck
SHARI OMG 2 YEARS? GROSS. & THE DOG? HE’S SO CUTE I COULD THROW UP. & YOU? YR SO GREAT I DID JUST THROW UP. BUT IT WAS GLITTER & HEARTS. BECAUSE LUV, DUH.
Josh you motivate me and inspire me to be a better me everyday. Love Jennifer
TO MY SPECIAL PAL, TN4real:laughing, crying, silly voices & inappropriate humor.17 hours of time across the globe doesnt change that you are my one and true pal. Barf.
PAUL BB my hockey playing, stella riding, hipster lawyer hubby. You get smarter, funnier and better with time. Sloanie, Ainsley and I love you. -kelly bear LONG TIME FRIENDS Ailam, Thanks for being a great friend all these years! We need to hang out more. Much Luv, Nosaj
REAL KING MIXER I love my life here in Seattle. I love our digs, our neighborhood, our “kids.” Mostly I love you, Otter. Thanks for putting up with me. Love, Squirrel
MS A AMELIA my kick ass baby girl. The daughter I dreamt of having. Smart and honest. You know so much at a young age. Stay you and Conquer the world. Love mommy.
SLOANIE BALONEY You dance to your own drummer.I love you for it although I want you to get it together so you don’t end up living in our basement forever. Love mommy.
*A*KITTY’S CARETAKER
I’m so excited to squeeze your buns in 4 more countries this year! Cheers to travel, snugs, and (cross your fingers) home ownership this year!
MY DEAR MAIA ROSE, Thank you for your sweet presence in my life. I adore you. Love, your Fire MATTY You were a keeper. I went too fast because I knew you were great. You are a special fella. Stay awesome. -M
TO MARINA After all these years I’d like to quite the scorpions “I’m still loving you!” love the diabolic one!
I. FEEL. AWFUL. i’m so very sorry that got so very curious and clicked the back button to read your stranger valentine to me. iloveyoupleasedon’tbesad.
KB - DEAREST KATIE For nearly a year now you’ve blessed my heart. I am so pumped to continue this amazing journey we are on. I will always make you french toast. -JMM
TO MY GROWLEY BEAR We haven’t been together that long, but I’ve loved every minute with you. I couldn’t ask for a more supportive or loving better half. I love you John!
PPPPPPPP PPPPPPP! I love our unfolding. A shocking blink of the eye. So many shapes, so many faces. Soft hearts throughout, full moons in a cloud break, is our magic.
STEPHANIE Love hate love hate love hate love hate love hate. LOVE ALWAYS -M
WE’RE IN IT NOW let’s pull over and bang in your purple station wagon. you’re the be$t. ***SWEET GIGGADY!*** I Mold You. Thanks for the countless years of fun, kisses, adventure and LOOOOVE. You really are the best. I love you always. Xoxo Sweet Andrea LEGS OF THE SEA You’re my valentine! Olive and I love you tuns! xoxo
SWEETIE! You are truly my Knight in shining armor, white horse and all. Thank you for finding me. Love, your little snatch of music.
MY FAVORITE GOOFBALL Life without you might be more peaceful, but also terribly boring. Thank you for a wonderful two years and for many more to come.
TO MATTY & R.P. So excited and peaceful to have you two knuckleheads in my life. .I love you guys. There’s no “I” in team...except inside the A-hole.
Xoxo
MY SMIGGS, MY HEART You are my favorite person and I love you to death! Now come here, you- there are red heels that need wearing, and some business that needs finishing!
MR. HORIA I hella love you. Your sweet dance moves, puns, coffee nuking skillz & unibrow make me happy all the way up to my pistrui. You da da best z Love facey MAN W/GOLDEN UNDIES! My partner in crime! u r fun,thoughtful,sweet &HOT. I hear “DreamWeaver” when I think of u. Thx 4 all the unbeatable adventures. Luv u w/all my <3, hs SNOW LEOPARD LOVE Remember making me happy-cry after we boned and I said to remember that moment because we were truly happy then and there? It still
HONEYBEE- I’M STUNG! Lovely Honeybee, you inspire my buzz. I am always happy to returning to our hive. I will forever offer you my pollen! -Your Loyal Pollenator LITTLE ONE Hey hunny, I wanted everyone to know how much I love you and how you mean everything to me. no words can express the love that I have for you.
MY KIND OF JERKY I can’t believe you hacked my computer to read the Stranger Valentine I sent you. You little jerk. You are lucky that you are mine. All mine. Mine!!!
MEGMEG Happy 15th anniversary honey.
MEGMEG Loves ya! TO KYLE, MY BELOVED: you’re the sour cream on my ricen’beans, the spritz of lemon on my greens, the spirit kitty in my dreams, the sweet solution when I fiend. I love you. TO OSCAR, THE BFB I’ve grown to like you more every
Seattle Scooter Center:
Seattle Scooter Center has added another element to their repertoire of selling stellar scooters, as well as providing service and parts: scooter rental! Renting is a great way to figure out what sort of scooter you’d like to own, too. Have fun zipping around town on 50cc Kymco scooter (rated most fun and the most responsive scooter out of all the brands on the market). You can also apply this offer towards a rental with a larger engine. Don’t worry—full-face helmet and gloves are included in every rental. Have fun!
One Hour Scooter Rental at Seattle Scooter Center. $30 Value. Your Price: $15.00
Green Cleaning Seattle Eco-Maid Services:
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$20 to Spend at Green Cleaning Seattle Eco-Maid Services. Your Price: $10.00
Paragon Bar and Grill:
The Paragon Restaurant & Bar is located in the Queen Anne neighborhood and is Seattle’s mecca for live jazz in a great atmosphere. Every night (excluding Monday & Friday) features hot live music with no cover. Sink into one of our plush booths with a friend or two and enjoy our chef’s offerings of Southern staples. A rotating list of dinner specials guarantees a new favorite dish each time. We’re also open for brunch—so day or night, the Paragon Restaurant & Bar is your place for gourmet food, great cocktails, and very live music.
$25 to spend at Paragon Bar and Grill. Your Price: $12.50.
SAVAGE LOVE
Father Figure BY DAN SAVAGE
I’m a 37-year-old single father with a 14-yearold son. I’ve raised him on my own basically since birth, with help from some good friends and nearby family. Overall he’s a good kid: gets decent grades, rarely gets in trouble. Our relationship isn’t perfect—I work a lot and he’s a teenager, but no major issues. Over the past year, however, I have become increasingly convinced that he is gay. I’ve found gay porn on his laptop (yes, I snoop; I pay the bill and I’m his dad), he’s shown ZERO interest in girls, and he has always been a tad effeminate, though I know that’s probably an unfair stereotype. I have no problem with gay people and I support full equality for same-sex couples. And truly, if my son is gay, while I won’t pretend it’d be no big deal and not require a bit of mental adjustment, I’d love him and support him fully. My son has a friend, let’s call him “Gomer,” who comes over often. Sometimes they’re here when I’m not, and often they’re alone together with the door closed. If Gomer were a girl, these things wouldn’t be allowed. I’ve had the (straight) sex talk with my son, and he knows that I don’t want him to be sexually active yet. But a friendship with a guy isn’t sexual… unless it is. I have no specific knowledge that anything has happened between them. Gomer is a nice kid, and I’ve met his parents. I have no problem with them hanging out. But if my son were gay, I would have a different, stricter set of rules regarding male friends. BUT HOW DO I BROACH THE SUBJECT?
can quickly derail two young lives. While a couple of gay boys can get into trouble, DUD, and while sexually transmitted infections are a concern, Gomer isn’t going to knock up your son. So if your gut tells you that your son isn’t ready and that he would be traumatized if you forced him to come out, DUD, you might wanna let him think he’s pulling one over on his clueless straight dad. There aren’t many perks to being a closeted gay teenager—a few sleepovers that the straight kids couldn’t get away with might be a small consolation.
John Schwartz shared your letter with Joseph Schwartz, the gay son whose coming-out story John tells in Oddly Normal . Joseph thinks it’s time for a gay sex talk.
“Gay kids need sex education more than straight ones,” Joseph tells his dad. While your son might have had sex education in school, even the best sex-ed classes focus on male-female. “There’s less reliable information about gay sex than there is about straight sex,” Joseph says, so gay kids turn to the internet— or to porn—for information and, as Joseph points out, “half of it could be physically dangerous, and the rest is poorly explained.”
“If he’s lucky,” says Schwartz, “DUD lives near an LGBT center with a youth program, which will help his son find a community and also get a healthy dose of sex ed and risk reduction. If not, DUD could be in for an uncomfortable conversation or two. But the underlying message you’ll be sending is that you care, and that you’re the dad.”
He’s a sensitive kid, and I worry he’d lie or resent me. And if he’s not gay, I worry I could seriously damage our relationship and hurt his pride by suggesting he is. I’m swimming in unfamiliar waters here with no life vest.
Dad Under Duress
“In an ideal world, Dad Under Duress would take a slow and roundabout way to encourage his son to come out to him,” says John Schwartz, a correspondent for the New York Times, a father of three, and the author of Oddly Normal: One Family’s Struggle to Help Their Teenage Son Come to Terms with His Sexuality. “Instead of a direct confrontation— are you gay or what? DUD could make gay issues a part of the day’s general conversation. Discuss issues like samesex marriage and stories in the newspaper that bring up LGBT themes. In that middle ground between pushing and ignoring, his son might decide that his dad is safe to come out to.”
Whenever possible, queer kids should be allowed to reveal their sexuality on their own timetable, Schwartz emphasizes, but there are times when a parent has to force the issue. For instance, if a not-yet-out gay kid is in crisis, or if a parent stumbles over evidence that a not-yet-out gay kid is doing something risky, a parent can and should go the “are you gay or what?” route. In your case, DUD, you already know your son is gay—“Browsers don’t lie,” says Schwartz—and the fact that your son might be having sex in his room, thereby breaking dad’s house rules, may rise to the level of “are you gay or what?”
“If he’d tell a hetero boy to keep his door open, a gay boy should get the same message,” says Schwartz. “He’s not being the monster and he’s not being insensitive. He’s being the dad. He should keep in mind, though, that if his son is already having sex with his buddy, telling him he can’t do it at home is likely to send them off to places—to school, to a car—where getting caught could have bigger consequences than getting grounded.”
Let’s pause for a moment to recall why— generally speaking—parents frown on their straight kids having friends of the opposite sex in their bedrooms: An unplanned pregnancy
Oddly Normal is a terrific book, and any parent with a queer kid should read it—and since any kid could be queer, that means every parent should read it. You can follow John Schwartz on Twitter @jswatz, and there’s a good interview with Joseph Schwartz at the Atlantic: tinyurl.com/oddlynormal.
What are the effects of perpetuating the myth that gay men should all be tanned and chiseled Adonises? Because that is all one sees.
Not All Adonises
In the last 24 hours of casual media consumption—cable news, daily papers, my Twitter feed, straight blogs, queer blogs—I’ve seen my fair share of tanned and chiseled Adonises. I’ve also seen pictures and/or video of Bayard Rustin, Barney Frank, Harvey Fierstein, Harvey Milk, Daniel Hernandez Jr., Ian McKellen, Evan Wolfson, Jinkx Monsoon, Jared Polis, Bruce Vilanch, Alan Turing, George Kalogridis, and more. All great guys, all of whom have made or are making a difference (leading the civil rights movement, leading the LGBT rights movement, making art, telling jokes, helping to defeat Nazi Germany, pushing the boundaries of drag as an art form), but not one of whom was, is, or ever aspired to be an underwear model.
Images of perfect male bodies can fuel bodyimage issues in both gay and straight men. Gay men in particular are at higher risk of anorexia, bulimia, and “bigorexia,” aka muscle dysmorphia, aka “gay dude who lives at the gym.” So those images of tanned and chiseled Adonises can do harm. But if all one sees are images of tanned and chiseled Adonises, NAA, then that’s all one is looking for.
Yes, the media—gay and straight—focuses too much on the young and the hot. But if you’re not seeing gay men of all ages, sizes, shapes, and colors, NAA, it’s because you’re choosing not to see them. Open your eyes. n
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
