TABLE OF CONTENTS
Everything You Need to Know to Help Yourself or a Friend, No Matter Where You Live in America
Editorial
Business
Marketing & Digital Media
EverOut
and Longing in Rap All Is Full of Love
Hundreds of Stranger Readers Spilled Their Hearts Out in This Issue—Is One of These Valentines for You?
The Stranger’s 2025 Sex Survey
Threesomes and Orgies Continue to Rise, Top Population Continues to Sink, and Seattle Is Only Medium-Horny for Luigi Fucking Political
Advertising REGIONAL
Administrative
Lynch Made Visceral, Beautiful Films About Women in Danger—and Kept the Harm Onscreen Eat Your Heart Out
Our Flowchart Will Show You the Way to the Most Delicious Valentine’s Day (Just Remember to Fuck First)
With Comics by Marie Hausauer, Ben Horak, and more!
Reader Valentines
♥ AARON <3 Every fucking day. Even the hard ones.
♥ FROG AND TOAD KW, you’re the best thing to ever happen to me.
I’m so excited to grow old and wrinkly with you! Happy valentines. Love you, lil frog! -Toad
♥ HI CYNTHIA C. Phil here… I miss you! Hope you have a happy Valentine’s Day.
♥ YOU ARE LOVED! To anyone who has felt lost, alone, or afraid-you are loved. Be my Valentine. Or don’t. That’s okay too. Consent is sexy.
♥ 25 YEARS IS LONGER Than most prison sentences, CP. I’m lucky I get to spend my life with you. Getting heckled by Bianca was a dream come true - love Jenny
♥ OLIVE JUICE YOU TOO Olive
Juice you Dearest Bear Bear! From your sweetie Bear Justin.
♥ **CAPE OPTIONAL** DKM, you are magic you are strength you are mine. Love, LZ
♥ IT WAS ALWAYS YOU After all these years it’s still you. I don’t just feel connected to you but hopelessly entangled in you.
Forever yours, H
♥ I’M A STINKER 4 U Thanks for letting me hang around with you over the last 2 years. Love you, Wormie! Sincerely, your stinker
♥ TYTY VM TangoYankeeTangoYankee69, I love being all yours. Happy Valentine’s, barnacle goose. Love always --Fen
♥ SHRIMP AND NOODLE Love you big booty baby! Three years of dancing and farting and laughing and eating late night dim sum. Love my NPM so much!
♥ LOVE YOU JUSTIN:) You had me at olive juice. Almost 7 years and counting . You’re the love of my life and can’t wait to spend the rest of it with you
♥ MY BÖMBI Hi sweet boy. Thank you for making me laugh. I love you to the moon and back!
♥ 10 YEARS AS MRS. G Almost 15 years spending everyday with you has flown like a dream. You’re my best friend. Cheers to the rest of our lives- inseparable.
HVD Mr. G
♥ MY FAVORITE MARTIN I love you so much and you’re finally my husband. I’m the luckiest bear in the entire world and you’re the absolute sweetest!
♥ FOREVER AND BEYOND TreeWe’ve had many adventures and misadventures together. From stolen bathroom art to Star Trek symphonies, you make me smile. Love you always!
♥ YOU BELONG TO ME! You don’t need a bit in your mouth to make you take me anywhere I want to go! I’ve got your <3 Heart and all the apple bits you can swallow!
♥ HAPPY 14TH VALENTINE Happy 14th Valentine’s Day together Omar! I love you Habibi. <3 Katie More on pg 13.
The Stranger’s Love & Sex Issue
February
2025
On January 20, as Trump was being sworn in to begin his second term of terror, I was focused on one thing: Love.
Instead of watching the Inauguration, reading the news, doom-scrolling social media, or coddling my brain with new episodes of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, I read through hundreds and hundreds of love notes submitted by Stranger readers to Stranger readers. At the start of the year, we put out the call for our free reader valentines, a tradition that has been around for something like 25 years, and you came through in spades, sending sweet messages to your partners, friends, family, kids, and pets.
There were notes to Potato, BUBBAROONI, and My IBS Babe, and from Cake Daddy, Noodle, and Panther. Some were celebrating decades of life together; others were glowing with the newfound giddiness that comes with discovering if it’s love, lust, or something else entirely. Goofy, sure, but it was heartwarming to get a glimpse into so many of Seattle’s love stories.
And with that, for this year’s Love & Sex issue—which kicks off our return to monthly distribution, by the way—we packed these pages full of blatant, unapologetic L-O-V-E. Not only are there something like 15,000 words worth of valentines, we also have more than a dozen stories that examine all the ways in which love exists in this world.
On page 7, Stranger contributor Kendall Turner and Hannah Murphy Winter share everything you need to know to help get and abet abortion, regardless of which doddering goons or actual Nazis are in office because, as Shout Your Abortion has said, “everyone
loves someone who’s had an abortion.” On page 26, there’s a powerful feature from Vivian McCall, who spent weeks digging through 1980s queer history to show us how we can apply the activism seen during the early AIDS epidemic to the crises we face today. There’s a lot to learn in how the LGBTQ+ community came together to share knowledge and establish solidarity to keep their peers safe and cared for at a time when the nation’s leaders sure as hell weren’t gonna do it. And what’s at the core of their ‘zines, handmade fliers, and protests? You guessed it. Love. Radical, passionate, courageous love.
And no, we have not forgotten about the SEXY part of the Love & Sex issue. Check out the results of The Stranger’s 2025 Sex Survey on page 19, where you can learn all the steamy secrets about Seattleites’ sex lives—and maybe get a few tips? Once you’ve had your fill of humans, take a tour of Seattle’s horniest horticulture (are trees… hot?) on page 30. Over on page 10, Professor Daudi Abe and Charles Mudede sit down with some of their favorite songs to explore the history of love, lust, and longing in hiphop, from Man Parrish to Doja Cat. Make your crush a mixtape! If cheese and/or drugs are more their speed, we’ve also got expert Valentine’s Day date-worthy restaurant and weed recommendations on pages 37 and 38, respectively.
So get comfortable, turn off that angry and dark outside world, and dig in. Love is waiting for you.
Megan Seling Managing Editor, The Stranger
20 Years of HUMP!
Dan Savage on the Most Shocking, Exciting, and Delightful Moments of His Annual Amateur Porn Festival
BY MEGAN SELING
The world was very different when Dan Savage introduced an amateur porn film festival to curious Seattleites in 2005.
That same year, George W. Bush began his second term as the President of the United States, North Korea announced they had nuclear weapons, and Hurricane Katrina devastated the US Gulf Coast. That was also the year the first video was uploaded to YouTube. Online streaming services were distant glimmers of possibility.
In fact, all HUMP! submissions that year—Savage remembers receiving about 50 total—were sent to the Stranger offices via mail on VHS tapes, and all evidence was destroyed after the final screening.
Now, HUMP! is held twice a year and shown in more than 40 cities around the globe. Participants have upped their production and imagination, and, once COVID-19 hit, they also signed release forms allowing their work to be shown in a streaming library so fans can HUMP! at home. (And yup, they get a cut of the profits.)
Just before launching HUMP!’s 20th anniversary in Seattle at On the Boards on February 14, I chatted with Savage about some of the fest’s best and most memorable moments so far.
Do you remember what kind of response you got from the public when you announced the first HUMP!? Seattle is progressive, but I’d imagine there was some pearl-clutching or, at least, skepticism.
The skepticism initially was inside the building. It was a couple of years before we got permission to do the call for submissions in the paper. We made the announcement not sure we would get any submissions. And we got a lot that first year! And then we booked the theater, like, “Okay, now we have to do this!” [ Laughs ] Then the question became, “Would people come sit next to strangers in a movie theater to watch pornography the way our grandparents did in dirty movie theaters?”
The very first screenings sold out immediately—we had to add more. It was a hit from the very first year.
It was really interesting to watch what changed over the years. In the first few years,
a lot of filmmakers aped the conventions of commercial pornography. You could see what audiences responded to, and it wasn’t that. Audiences responded to unique, idiosyncratic, really personal, and unexpected [films], and funny was a big thing. If you could make explicit pornography with a sense of humor—which you don’t see in porn much but we see in our own sex lives often—those were the films audiences voted for and gave awards to. It was the audience that curated HUMP! those first few years and made it what it is now, which is interesting, funny, touching, crazy, shocking stuff you won’t see anywhere else.
There have been a LOT of really memorable videos. Do any specific ones stand out?
Breakfast in Bed is the one that people come up to me on the street and talk to me about, which is where the boy put a stick of cold butter in his butt, went grocery shopping, came home, made breakfast for his boyfriend, and then squatted over the toast and pushed out the now melted butter to butter his boyfriend’s toast. You saw it go from butt to toast to delivered to boyfriend to into boyfriend’s mouth in one continuous shot. People went bananas. And some people confronted me in the lobby because we have three rules at HUMP! about the content: No children, no animals, no poop. People were like, “That was poop!” Pooped doesn’t mean poop. By poop, we mean the substance, the noun, not the verb. So we allowed it.
Okay, no spoilers, but I heard this year’s lineup includes the phrase “polar bear foreskin.”
You said no animals!
There are no animals in HUMP! This is not even a furry, it’s not somebody who’s into anthropomorphic play who identifies as a polar bear. This is polar bear porn that you’ve never seen before, and even after 20 years of curating HUMP! that I did not see coming. This is the film that had us all on the floor. ■
Read an extended version of this interview at thestranger.com. 2025 HUMP! Part One opens at On the Boards on February 14, with 6:30 and 9 pm showings every Friday and Saturday through March 15. Tickets are on sale now at humpfilmfest.com.
How to Get and Abet an Abortion
Everything You Need to Know to Help Yourself or a Friend, No Matter Where You Live in America
BY KENDALL TURNER & HANNAH MURPHY WINTER
What do you do if you find yourself pregnant and you do not want to be? The question has renewed urgency in our brave new America—even in a blue, relatively abortion-friendly state like Washington. Who can you safely tell about your decision? Where can you go for care? What if you can’t afford the care you need?
So here’s a guide on how to get and abet an abortion—yours or someone else’s. If we wind up in Stephen Miller’s personal prison for writing this, please send treats.
Washington Is Good but Not Perfect
Washington law protects abortion access until the fetus can survive outside the womb— which is typically between 24 and 26 weeks into pregnancy. If you’re in Washington, you’re pregnant, and you don’t want to be, the state has a few measures that keep the federal government’s nose out of it. State law gives abortion patients an extra layer of privacy—all you have to do is complete a form. And Washington has a “shield” law that prevents cooperation with out-of-state investigations and prosecutions relating to abortions in Washington.
Washington’s Reproductive Parity Act also requires all state-regulated health plans that cover maternity services to also cover abortion services, including medication abortion. (Medication abortion involves taking a series of pills that terminate a pregnancy in its early stages, generally up to 11 weeks in Washington. Procedural abortion can take several forms—including dilation and curettage [D&C] and dilation and evacuation—and may be used in later stages of pregnancy.)
Washington Medicaid covers abortion care, too—at least in theory. In practice, Apple Health doesn’t cover the whole procedure. For example, for a D&C, Apple Health covers $146, but the procedure typically costs between $700 to $1,850. (In contrast, in New York, state Medicaid reimbursement for a D&C is $1,000.)
Still, we’re in better shape than a lot of states in the union. So what can we do to help?
Abet in Advance
Right now, medication abortion is accessible in all 50 states. That’s all thanks to shield laws in eight states that allow providers to practice according to their own state’s laws, even if their patients are elsewhere. So, for example, a doctor in Massachusetts—where abortion is legal, and they’ve passed this type of shield law—can provide telehealth service to a patient in Tennessee, where abortion is almost completely illegal. Providers can meet with patients online, and within just a couple days, send abortion pills—mifepristone and misoprostol—by mail.
That access depends on the US government not enforcing the Comstock Act—a currently unenforced law from 1873 that criminalizes mailing “vices,” including contraceptives and literally anything related to abortion. If the federal government were to start enforcing Comstock, that would do away with our shield law loophole.
That (and, of course, the looming risk of a national ban) is where abetting in advance comes into play. Elisa Wells is the co-founder of Plan C, a team of abortion advocates that researches creative—and effective—methods for accessing abortion pills. Right now, she says, it’s possible to prepare for an unwanted pregnancy years ahead of time—for yourself, or for a future friend in need. “The first thing people can do is get abortion pills now, in case they need them in the future,” she says. “Why not have it on hand as part of your medicine kit—like you have aspirin in case you have a headache, or bandaids if you have a scrape? In case your period’s late, then you have something right on hand, so you don’t have to travel to another state or scramble at the last minute to try and find care.”
There are two main ways to get pills in advance. The first is through the same type of telehealth provider that you’d go to if you were pregnant. Many of these clinics operate on a sliding scale, she says, so “this is a great way for people in any state to support these providers by investing in a full-price version of the pills to have on hand. It helps pay it forward.” The second is through what Plan C clunkily calls “ Websites That Sell Pills.” “We used to call these online pharmacies, but they’re not pharmacies in the way that we know them in the United States,” Wells says. “We call them Websites That Sell Pills, because that’s exactly what they are: They are commercial enterprises that get generic abortion pills in India.”
It sounds sketchy, but it’s not. Abortion pills are “safer than many other medicines like penicillin, Tylenol, and Viagra,” according to Planned Parenthood. So it’s safe to self-administer, but if you need backup during a medication abortion, you can call the M+A Hotline for free medical, emotional, and legal support. Mifepristone has a shelf-life of about 5 years. Misoprostol around 2 years.
That’s all well and good if you have time to prepare, but what if you’re knocked up?
So You Think You’re Pregnant
Think your birth control failed? Is your period late? Feeling pukey? Here are a few guiding steps.
1. Confirm that you’re pregnant. (Maybe that nausea you’re feeling is just a reaction to seeing yet another picture of Pete Hegseth’s tattoos!) “Cheap pregnancy tests from the dollar store work just as well as the expensive ones at the pharmacy or grocery store, so grab whatever feels right for you and your budget,” write abortion activists Renee Bracey Sherman and Regina Mahone in their book Liberating Abortion. Know, though, that a pregnancy test may not deliver accurate results until a week after you’ve missed an expected period—and be wary of free pregnancy tests, which may be given out by pregnancy crisis centers intent on persuading you against abortion.
2. If you are pregnant, be careful—very careful—how you share the information. “Talk to people on the phone or in person rather than in writing,” Sherman and Mahone advise. “Delete your call log history. Clear the browser history of the search engine you use, or use a private browser that doesn’t save or track your history. Use a lock on your phone and computer.”
Be careful, too, about who you share your pregnancy news or abortion plans with. Tex-
as’s largest antiabortion network recently spent millions to launch an advertising campaign on Facebook and X encouraging men to report their partners who’ve had abortions, and anyone who helped facilitate those abortions can be sued in state court.
3. Take a moment to think through your options, if you need it. The All-Options Talkline can help if you’d like unbiased, compassionate counseling about your decision. “You deserve the time to think through what you’d like to do with whomever you feel safest,” Sherman and Mahone say, but unfortunately, “the never-ending abortion restrictions and bans, and increasing costs of the procedure, can make it difficult, expensive, and logistically challenging to take an extended period of time to pause and think.”
4. Find a Provider. If you or your friend does want an abortion, you can find the closest clinic or telehealth provider by visiting INeedanA.com. In the first 10 weeks or so, medication abortion is your easiest option. Plan C provides guidance on safe and accessible medication options.
If you decide to visit a clinic in person, make your appointment as soon as you can. Many clinics provide care only on certain days of the week, and they may book up far in advance. Even here in Washington, look out for crisis pregnancy centers: groups that masquerade as abortion clinics, but serve only to deter and shame you. They “may provide patient care by staff or volunteers who are not licensed healthcare providers and who may provide incomplete, medically inaccurate information,” the Washington State Attorney General’s Office warns. “These clinics are not subject to HIPAA and may not keep your health information confidential.”
5. Plan your finances. If you have insurance, check if your policy covers abortion care. In addition to the cost of the abortion itself, make sure you’re planning for other things, such as transportation, meals, and childcare. If you need financial help, the National Network of Abortion Funds can connect you to local and national resources. And Plan C can connect you to community networks that operate on a mutual aid model, mailing thousands of pills a month to people who need them. If you need legal help, the Repro Legal Helpline and Abortion Defense Network may be able to provide counsel for free.
6. Take care of yourself or your friend getting an abortion! Wear comfy clothes; talk to people you trust; eat your favorite snacks; feel your feelings, whatever they are; generally pamper yourself or your loved one. “There are millions of people” who have had abortions, say Sherman and Mahone. “And when we show up for one another with love and dignity, we win.” ■
FLAG ARTWORK BY NO TOUCHING GROUND FOR SHOUT YOUR ABORTION; PHOTO BY MEGAN SELING
I Saw U…
Singing Chappell Roan on 23rd Avenue, Buying Toilet Paper at Fred Meyer, and Wearing a Hot Dog Costume on Capitol Hill
ILLUSTRATIONS BY STEVEN WEISSMAN
Did you recently share a ~*moment*~ with someone while riding the bus, dancing at the club, or standing in line at the supermarket? Do you want to try to reconnect? Submit your own I Saw U at thestranger.com/isawu, and maybe we’ll include it in the next roundup! Look for a new batch of I Saw U messages every Thursday on thestranger.com.
23 & union pink pony club carpool karaoke you were driving on NYE in a little red car, windows open, belting your heart out to chappell, and it made me so happy to see so much queer joy :’)
same 4 same we made eye contact as I walked by. you were telling your friend that you’re attracted to sameness. let’s admire our reflections in each other?
Bachata bolo baddie
Had a few sweet and close dances at queer bachata. I liked your bolo and you said I was a lovely dancer. Explain grey’s anatomy lore to me some time?
Coffee mug(s) savior
Thank you for leaping out of your Subaru in Ballard traffic and saving my two favorite coffee mugs that I had somehow left sitting on top of my trunk.
Electric Ex-Lover
We ran into each other at the annual MLK Day march. You told me I have beautiful eyes. I’m sorry we couldn’t get our sh*t together as a couple.
Thank You
You were pulling leaves out of the gutter in Greenwood WITH BARE HANDS so the standing water could drain and cars would stop splashing pedestrians. Thank you!
on a cap hill dance floor in mid-december
i spilled a slushy on you that night. you kissed me anyway. i found the book you recommended in a free library today. hope i can catch your eye again
Pink hat, orange plaid jacket, rose colored glasses
Saw you riding the streetcar Saturday night, maybe having an argument with someone? I love your style. Where do you shop?
nye @ the wild rose
you: brown short hair dancing on your own, you left in a beekeeping hoodie me: one of many femmes in mesh sparkly tops, but we made eye contact :)
Cinderella kiss outside Chop Suey / Pony
You asked how big my feet were on the Pony patio. I said 14 and ran into you later and we kissed outside Chop Suey. I ubered away. Tom? Tim?
Analog Signals
Sipping a cortado. Analog. Almost noon. We trade glances as you enter, smiles as I skedaddle. Me: green parka. You: brown jacket. Arrivederci?
I Saw U at Sandel Park
Guy who was playing basketball by himself at Sandel Park. Thanks for holding my baby when my other kid shat her pants. You are a hero.
Smiles on Madison and John
Tall cutie w/ teal hair, made eye contact and smiled as I passed walking my dog. Wanted to say hi but my dog was on a mission. Hope to see you again!
Scooping Sales in the Freddy’s Toilet Paper Aisle
You took out those white things to talk to me in the TP aisle. You looked younger than me, in your 70s? Next time we could split the bulk discount?
Cutie on the w seattle C line Friday night 1/4
cute redhead with equally cute rain boots; We both did a little double take (I think). I was wearing all black w/ blue sherpa jacket. Coffee sometime? ■
Is it a match? Follow The Stranger on Instagram and leave a comment on our weekly I Saw U posts to connect!
The Love of Hiphop
A Brief History of Desire, Lust, and Longing in Rap
BY PROFESSOR DAUDI ABE AND CHARLES MUDEDE
ILLUSTRATIONS BY
JORDAN KAY
The early ’80s were not exactly the best time for love and romance in rap. And with good reason. Most of the rappers, in a genre that was just 10 years old, were male and fresh out of puberty (if not still in it). The surge of women (or mature) rappers had to wait for the second half of the ’80s: MC Lyte, Salt-N-Pepa, Queen Latifah, Monie Love, and more. But in the beginning, rap was, to be frank, a boyz-to-men affair: Run DMC, Beastie Boys, Boogie Down Productions, Eric B and Rakim, and LL Cool J. As a consequence, expressions of sensitivity, affection, and longing were all but banned.
Permissible were raps about women being “crafty” (Beastie Boys), or “dumb” (RunDMC), or “sophisticated bitch[es]” (Public Enemy). Then, out of the blue, LL Cool J (as in: Ladies Love Cool James Todd Smith) dropped “I Need Love.” This 1987 track, this confession, this expression of vulnerability from a rapper who, at age 17, claimed to be “as hard as hell” (“Rock the Bells”) and mocked Prince and Michael Jackson for being wusses, was now 19 and “alone in [his] room” longing for “a girl who’s as sweet as a dove.” This admission shook the rap world to its core. Love was now in the house, and there was no way of throwing it back out the door. It was here to stay.
The list we present here of love’s movement through nearly four decades of a musical form that’s still, admittedly, dominated by hetero men, is by no means comprehensive. What we do here is provide 20 tracks that, in our estimate, are all up in it.
1) “The Look of Love, Part One” by Slum Village (2000) Four things to know about Slum Village. One, they called a city known for techno, Detroit, home. Two, Q-Tip of A Tribe Called Quest thought, in 1999, they would be hiphop’s next big thing. Three, though Slum Village remained for the most part obscure, the crew’s producer, J Dilla, achieved a status among hiphop’s deepest headz that borders on religious. And, finally, they dropped a lyrical but frank assessment of love called “The Look of Love, Part One.” And what does love look like, according to Slum Village? Pretty much fucking and little else. “What love got to do with it / Ask SV it’s all bullshit.”
2) “You’re All I Need to Get By” by Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige (1995) This song, a remix featuring Mary J. Blige, which peaked at number three on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1995, is sometimes referred to as an archetype for what has come to be known as “thug-love duets.” However, Professor Daudi Abe’s personal preference
is the original version of “All I Need” from Method Man’s 1994 debut album Tical. The rugged, RZA-produced track (RZA also produced the remix) was a departure from the soft and melodic sound of a song like “I Need Love.” Meth’s final lines from his last verse on the song state, “Then I can be your sun, you can be my earth, resurrect the God through birth.”
3) “My Neck, My Back (Lick It)” by Khia (2001)
Khia does not mince words in this absolutely bumping track. Released on the album Thug Misses , and produced by Michael “Taz” Williams and Plat’num House (the latter also produced the Dirty South Divas), “My Neck” expressed a directness that put the masters of “dirty rap”—Oakland’s Too $hort and 2 Live Crew (who, like Khia, hail from Florida)—in the back seat. Although “My Neck” reached 42 on the US Billboard Hot 100, it went all the way to number four in the UK. We wonder, with good reason, if “My Neck” made an impression on a young Prince Harry.
4) “Electric Relaxation” by A Tribe Called Quest (1993)
As great as the original version is, the remix, which includes new lyrics and a more up-
tempo sample from “Between the Sheets” by the Isley Brothers, is also terrific. Native Tongues members certainly contributed to the love-rap dynamic with songs like “I’ll House You” by Jungle Brothers, “It’s a Shame” by Monie Love, “La Menage” by Black Sheep, and others. However, “Electric Relaxation” is iconic both sonically and lyrically. In 2024, the website Rock the Bells named it the third greatest hiphop beat of all time (behind “Still D.R.E.” and “Shook Ones Part II”), and the takeaway line from Phife— “Let me hit it from the back, girl I won’t catch a hernia / Bust off on your couch now you got Seamen’s furniture”—has been closely examined by hiphop scholars. It turns out that Seamen’s Furniture is a chain of furniture stores in the New York area.
5) “Drugs” by Anderson .Paak (2014) The love on this track is certainly bleak, but it deserves our attention and even amazement. What rapper/singer Anderson .Paak describes to a background of a booming/ rolling beat is the foggy relationship of two spent junkies. Apparently, the woman only loves him (the rapper) when he has the goods and they are both sky-high. At that impossible point of addled bliss, she is his “wifey.” If there are no drugs, the two are as far from fucking as Venus is from Uranus.
6) “Your Love” by Nicki Minaj (2010) In 2010, Billboard referred to this song— which heavily samples Annie Lennox’s “No More ‘I Love You’s’”—as containing “a new brand of hood majesty.” Minaj, generally known for faster-tempo songs, slows this one down to ballad territory and she sings the chorus with the help of ever-popular auto-tune. Further, Billboard added, “The Young Money rap princess puts the sleazy talk aside and finds herself smitten with a young man... Minaj proves that even the wildest ones can be tamed.” Culture critic Tricia Rose argued that love-rap from women can cast a different light on male-female sexual power relations and cast them as resistant, aggressive participants. However, she noted that “even the raps that explore and revise women’s role in the courtship process often retain the larger patriarchal parameters of heterosexual courtship.”
7) “Temptations” (1994), “Can U Get Away” (1995), and “How Do U Want It” (1996) by 2Pac In the decades since his death, Tupac Shakur has come to represent a number of things not just in hiphop, but in mainstream culture overall. His ability to simultaneously maintain both “hardcore” and vulnerable personas was unique for the time. Speaking
openly about crying in a song like “So Many Tears” caught a number of hiphop fans and artists off guard. In “Tempta tions,” Tupac acknowledges that “even thugs get lone ly” and “even the hard est of my homies need attention.” “Can U Get Away” includes the line, “cuz if he touch ya, I got some drama for that busta”—a threat towards the abusive partner of the woman who is the subject of the song.
8) “Killing Me Softly” by Fugees (1996)
The track that sent the brilliant rapper (but soso singer) Lauryn Hill into a solo career is her attempt to match the emotional power of one of Roberta Flack’s three number-one Billboard hits, “Killing Me Softly.” Though Hill came nowhere close to the original (nothing hurts so hard like a broken heart), the track cleverly sampled the beat of A Tribe Called Quest’s “Bonita Applebum,” which was dropped in 1990 and included the groundbreaking (for rap at the time) line: “I like to kiss ya where some brothers won’t.”
trappings of fame. “You said, ‘Now you got what you want! Don’t you want to leave?’ / I said before it’s love, girl, not a one-night stand / You’re not a sleaze, ah!”
“Rough,” she makes it clear that: “If it ain’t rough (I could do without it) / If it ain’t rough (just throw it to the curb) / If it ain’t rough (he could do without it) / If it ain’t rough (it’s working my nerves).”
sex on the radio and video shows.” (Mudede recalls this track was banned in Zimbabwe by the prime minister, Robert Mugabe— Black Africans can be as conservative and stubborn as MAGA.)
9) “Woman” by Doja Cat (2021)
With this track, Doja Cat (who Charles Mudede never fails to point out has roots in South Africa; Mudede’s roots are Southern African) makes a clearing for the appearance of a womanhood that’s not uncomplicated but certainly centers feminist themes. She is not so much asking to be a woman but to be a human. The track was a huge hit (it reached the stratosphere of Billboard Hot 100) and employed Nigerian pop, which is also called Afrobeat beats.
10) “Romantic Interlude” by Sir Mixa-Lot (1988)
This song from Mix-a-Lot’s debut album SWASS contains Egyptian Lover-inspired instrumentation, Roger Troutman-esque vocal modulation for the chorus, and an aerobic cadence that sounds more like a spoken-word piece than a traditional rap delivery. This is an example of early loverap evolution/experimentation, particularly in a local sense. As in “I Need Love,” the premise revolves around the hectic, promiscuous life of a rap star who struggles to get the women he meets to understand that he can be relationship material, despite the
11) “Hey There, Home Boys” by Man Parrish (1985) Man Parrish is one of the most fascinating figures in the history of hiphop. He produced “Hip Hop, Be Bop (Don’t Stop)” in 1982, which was, from top to bottom, as pure a b-boy beat could be. It’s impossible not to start popping and locking the minute the needle hits its groove. Man Parrish also produced “Boogie Down (Bronx)” (1984), which featured the legendary Freeze Force. This stuff is deep. Man Parrish was there at the moment hiphop was transitioning from electro-funk to the boom-bap announced by Run-D.M.C.’s “Sucker M.C.’s” (1983). And so you can imagine the surprise Charles Mudede experienced when, in 1987, he found and bought a record by Man 2 Man Meet Man Parrish called “Male Stripper.” Was it hiphop? It was not. It was high-energy and unrepentantly gay. Mudede loved it and discovered, to his shock, that Man Parrish was not only gay, but white. He also realized that the video for “Hip Hop, Be Bop (Don’t Stop)” was hardly hetero. Gay culture was there at the birth of hiphop. As for romance, Man Parrish released in 1985 the track “Hey There, Home Boys.”
12) “Funky Dividends” by Three Times Dope (1988)
In the 1980s, pop music went hardcore materialistic. There was Gwen Guthrie’s “Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ On but the Rent” (1986), and Madonna’s “Material Girl” (1984). Hiphop responded to this crassness with the sobriety of “Funky Dividends.” The rapper, EST, lamented the death of romantic love and the rise of “ain’t nothing going on but the rent.” EST pleads to his girlfriend: “[Why] it always gotta be about money?” She responds: “When I was with Steady B, I had it all /Gucci, Louis Vuitton, gold, Liz Claiborne, I had it all / You ain’t giving me nothing.” Steady B was a real rapper. And, like Three Times Dope, from Philly. But unlike Three Times Dope, he, according to his ex, was down with Guthrie’s “no romance without finance.”
13) “Rough…” by Queen Latifah (1993) This tune is for the S&M crowd. You are represented in hiphop. The track is by Queen Latifah, a rapper who famously played a masc lesbian in Set It Off . In
14) “I Need Love” by LL Cool J (1987) As David Toop noted in the book Rap Attack 2 “LL discovered ex actly how import ant the ‘hardcoreness’ was to his audience when he attempted to go soft,” performing “I Need Love” from his second album Bigger and Deffer “In London,” Toop continued, “the crowd booed him for this transgression, forgetting that LL’s formula had always been a mixture of hard and soft.” That said, it could be argued that the scene in the video for “I Need Love,” which takes place on a hotel balcony overlooking the Golden Nugget Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey, is one of the most transformative sequences in the history of hiphop.
15) “Hotline Bling” by Drake (2015)
This is Drake caught in the classic fantasy of a dumped lover: The ex regrets leaving them, the ex can’t stop thinking about them, the ex will certainly call again. “Hotline Bling” is for lovers in the gutter.
16) “One Love” by Whodini (1986) Whodini, one of the earliest groups to gain national traction in rap, also produced one of the earliest love-rap videos. “From the L, to the O, and the V, to the E.” Although not necessarily considered a ‘hardcore group,’ the dilemma of, one, presenting oneself as vulnerable on wax, and, two, having that vulnerability take the form of the male rapper getting the short end of the relationship stick was another discussion entirely. Co-vocalist Ecstasy rhymes about being left a note by his departed lover: “Maybe one of these days you’ll have to learn that love is something that you gotta earn / And once you earn it gotta know how to keep it, you got to want it as well as you need it.” However, in the world of contradiction that is hiphop, one of Whodini’s other best-known songs from the same album was: “I’m a Ho.”
17) “Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt-N-Pepa (1990) Though Salt-N-Pepa were not the first female rappers, they clearly were the first female rappers, as a crew, to reach the mainstream. Their breakthrough album, Blacks’ Magic , featured a track that was a huge commercial success and promoted safe sex at a time when AIDS was ravaging the Black community. This track saved lives. Many of the millennials who read this paper would not be here if Salt-N-Pepa didn’t rap: “Don’t be coy, avoid, or make void the topic / Cause that ain’t gonna stop it / Now we talk about
18) “O.P.P.” by Naughty by Nature (1991)
The piano sample from the Jackson 5’s classic song “ABC,” paired with the concept behind “O.P.P.,” made this song a surefire hit. Although it was released in the midst of the HIV/AIDS crisis, this anthem for infidelity—O.P.P. as in “Other People’s P-ssy” and “Other People’s P-nis”—was an irresistible musical treat. It reached number five on the Billboard Hot 100, becoming one of the early rap-pop hits. Naughty rapper Treach summarized the approach: “There’s no room for relationships, there’s just room to HIT IT!”
19) “Funky Ride” (1994) or “Hey Ya!” by OutKast (2003) “Funky Ride” is an interesting one. It appeared on OutKast’s 1994 album Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik and is a slow and sexy song, but all vocals are sung by Sleepy Brown, with André 3000 and Big Boi nowhere to be found. Along with a killer guitar solo—performed by legendary Atlanta, Georgia guitarist Ed Stroud—“Funky Ride” stood out on OutKast’s debut. In contrast, “Hey Ya!” was sung entirely by André with an acoustic guitar accompaniment, and it generated discussion on what was or was not considered rap music. The song also asked some deeper philosophical questions not always found in love-rap, such as, “If what they say is, ‘Nothing lasts forever,’ then what makes (what makes what makes) love the exception?” Regardless, “Hey Ya!” topped the Billboard Hot 100 for nine weeks and helped the album Speakerboxxx/The Love Below win Album of the Year at the 46th Grammy Awards in 2004.
20) “Work It” by Missy Elliott (2002)
The professor and The Stranger’s senior staff writer agree: Missy Elliott is one of the greatest rappers of all time. Her dexterity, her flow, her attention to detail are rarely surpassed in this genre. And she worked with the greatest producers of her time in the sun, Timberland. In Mudede’s estimation, “Work It” is at the top of the list when it comes to what the hiphop scholar Tricia Rose called “Black joy.” Elliot expresses nothing but the total blast of desire. It’s not aggressive, it is not problematic, it’s not complicated. It is just plain old fun. And the fact that Elliott transforms a penis into an elephant blowing its truck makes our point incontestable.
See Charles Mudede and Daudi Abe perform I Need Love: The Story of Romance in Rap with DJ Vitamin D and Taylar Elizza Beth at Clock-Out Lounge on Tuesday, February 11. Tickets at clockoutlounge.com. ■
All Is Full of Love
Hundreds of Stranger Readers Spilled Their Hearts Out in This Issue—Is One of These Valentines for You?
♥ BRIDGE TO NOWHERE the future is certain, give us time to work it out. There’s city in my mind, come along and take that ride. Baby, it’s alright.
♥ TO MY HOT(WIFE)PIECE Thank you for embarking on all the dirty adventures over the past few years--and to more to cum. You are as gorgeous as you are adventurous. I <3 U!
♥ SQUIRT HOG <3 my sweet hoglet, thank you for putting so many dirty & delightful things in my mouth. ding, ding!
♥ SPOUSJE! Ik hou von jou, meneer! -Spousje
♥ CHECK YOUR BUTT Do you remember when that time we ate nachos and watched Chris Angel at work and fell in love? That was awesome. Love you always and forever babes!
♥ MY SWEETSHRUB, Your love is like nothing I’ve ever had before. Thank you for being my safe space to grow, and for loving all the parts of me. I’ll be yours forever!
♥ LOVE, MOVIE I love you, Cal. Thanks so so much for the movie. I love our movies. Let’s keep getting multi-movie, forever.
♥ I LOVE YOU BABOO We are almost 3 years into our journey together and its shaping up to be the most exciting year yet. I love you and I love our life together.
- Baboo
♥ MY EARTH ANGEL max, i wake before u and gaze upon ur pretty face. whatever terror plagued me in the night fades my body lays in ur sweet embrace. my safe place. ily
♥ VERY MANY YEKS Plekshun, you are my best and favorite 3! Be my Valentine?
♥ CUTE DRUMMER BOY In sound, we found each other <3 There’s no one else I’d want by my side, in my heart, & in my arms. I love you baby! Xoxo, KQ
♥ THE TAXMAN’S LOVE Lex: I may live in new york city now but like my car, my license, and some of my taxable income–my love for you is still legally registered in Seattle
♥ BOOTY LOVE Happy V-Day to my love, with a heart as big as his booty! Our pups and I are lucky to have you, especially with that gorgeous rear.
♥ TO MY BOY Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite person in the world. I love you so much! Love, your girl
♥ DEAR DEAD BESTFRIEND Oh Mary, since you’ve left ghetto Earth, I’ve decided to conjure your spirit and take you out on a date. I don’t care if my plus one is invisible.
♥ HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Happy Birthday Ben. I love our love and I love that your birthday is on Valentine’s Day. You’re the best dad. You’re my best friend. Love, Your Val
♥ THIS IS NOT FOR YOU This is for that girl. She who steals rocks and my heart. I’ll always love you.
♥ SHARTY BEAR HAIKAY You are my Superman My Spiderman My GoOfStEr
♥ AEW, CHARMING PRINCE I love your sly smile when you’re about to make a joke, your keen observations, those beefy arms and of course, you. You show me how easy love can be.
♥ EPIC MATCH 4 MY <3 After two marriages and multiple epic relationship FAILS, I finally met my match. You are my heart, my soul, and my compass. Oh, and you sexy AF
♥ LOVE YA BESTIE! Hey Em! Thanks for being a platonic partner, advisor, role model and all around badass bestie! Cin2Sea and thriving!
♥ POOK! Pookie, Pookie, Pookie--LUV U So much! Thank you for 20 years and counting
♥ TO MY BAESHIK <3 four years of loving you - i’ll keep loving you for the rest of my life :’)
♥ PANTHER LOVES RHINO Rhino, the last few years have been a wild ride. Here’s to an utterly uneventful 2025. I LOVE YOU FOREVER. XOXO, Panther
♥ TAKE ME TO MARS! I’m so glad we met, Spaceboy. Let’s make our dreams come true together, on this planet and beyond. I love you!
♥ GIVE ME KISS Hello, spouse. This is your spouse. Today’s message is this: you are perfect. You are beautiful and perfect and so you must give me kiss. I love you.
♥ CLEOGIVESMETHEWILLIE What does it take to show the erotic genus of your luscious lips? Your beyond the beginning of the universe. My pain is passion personified. Bliss me
♥ TO MY HOT GIRLFRIEND Dear Ally, You’re my favorite person. I love you so much and am excited for our future together. Love, Rohini
♥ SWORDFISHHOTKISSNITE
ANDREW! Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m so grateful to be sharing our 21st Valentine’s Day together. I’ll try not to cancel our plans. I love you lots! -T
♥ ANAÏS, MY LIGHT I cannot imagine a life where I did not breathe the same air as you. Please whisper your desires and I shall move mountains to complete your will.
♥ CERA COBBLER You are the light of my life and the keeper of the flame in my heart. I love you always. -D
♥ STILL We’re ride-or-die friends. But I fell for you the first time.
♥ TO MY WILDFLOWERS: Lannon, Allie, Shannah, and Sarah. You helped me get rooted after blowing across the Atlantic Ocean. Thank you for helping me bloom! <3, CJP
♥ FROM LAVA GIRL Sophie, When I see you, I hear jazz, smooth and sweet. I feel warmth, like a hug, and the scent of evergreen trees. With you, I’m home. -xoxo J
♥ FROG AND WORM 4EVER Happy VD my dearest Frog. Cannot wait to meet our tadpole. So happy to have you in my life ma grenouille. hugs, kisses and booty slaps.
♥ 16 YEARS AND MORE Since the day we met.... Our lives have been destined... To be one.
♥ “DID YOU... ...just drink that table creamer?” ; ) James, meeting you has been the best thing to happen to me in forever. I hope for 1000 more fun moments.
-WnD
♥ MEOWZERS! I love you, mister cutie pie sweetie darling angel face!
♥ TO MY BABY SNACKS 5 years and I’m still having fun with you. You are just perfect for me. This is the year that we make this our happily ever after. I love you! BB
♥ CRACK THE TM SEAL Stephen! The Greg to my Alex! Your task: Play MASH. The most Shelby future life wins. (I would live anywhere, in any car w U!) Your time starts now!
♥ BUBBY You’re the best damn thing I’ve ever ever had before.
♥ LOVIN’ FOR COVEN Life would be tedious & grey without you. We’ve danced through windstorms & laughed in the face of despair. Cheers! To life outside the lines! -AL
♥ MARTYN (WITH A Y) Funny, I seemed to find, no matter how the years unwind, I still reminisce ‘bout the man I miss, and the love we left behind. All my love (still) ~KJT
♥ MONTRIXCHAR Honestly all the kitties: CB, Tricky, and Maun. Good job!
♥ GUESS WHAT- I <3 YOU R- you make my world so bright, i wake up every day excited to see you again! i can’t wait to keep loving you -E <3
♥ 2 MY COMOTHER & WIFE plz don’t forget to feed the women, i think we need more toilet paper too -the mother of your children <3
♥ MEHHHH BB - MY LOVE From making songs about any and all things from Baby MyNeuuurrr to Tush Push! I love you Baby!
♥ THAT PRETTY LADY Not just head over heels, but flat on my back and still gazing up at you, TPL. Thanks for being the “Lisa” to my “Oliver”. Green Acres we are there!
♥ UNEXPECTED ALKI BEN I wasn’t looking for you and I found you anyway. I knew what I wanted and you learned what I needed, and with you it feels so easy. XOXO
♥ SECRET AFFAIR S, no one knows about our secret affair. I enjoy you. Happy Valentines! XO, T ♥ MY 2024 FIND Hey non-binary hottie- you make me happier than I ever thought I could be, and I’m excited for more adventures with you. I love you monster
♥ DEETDO 4 BEING W/ ME Had THE best 20th anny party last yr anyone has evr seen! Happy I get 2 spend this life w/ u. Hope we stay just as cool til we’re old(er) and grey(er)
♥ C, A, AND D <3 after centuries of longings locked away, i’ve found the luckiest oyster with three pearls inside. love, allison
♥ COOKIE MAN <3 You have my whole
Thank you for being the best partner I could ask for (and topping me within an inch of my life). My
♥ REVOLUTIONARY LOVE I admire the patience and empathy you carry as a HS teacher. I think it’s sexy that you are a community organizer and rapper. Our love = revolutionary
♥ LOVE U NEIGHBOR thank u for living in the house beside my house and making my life better every day. who needs family when you have chosen community?
♥ CUPID’S ARROW GOT ME Gordon, the object of my desire, the apple of my eye, the light of my life. I know you hate Valentines but I’m giving you besitos regardless <3 xoxo
♥ SPROCKET Happy Valentine’s Day, Sprocket! So lucky to be the dobby to your sock <3 here’s to Forever <3
♥ I LOVE YOU DEARLY! I love our home filled with laughter and cat hair. I’m so excited to Joe-off with you on the couch every day until the ocean reclaims us.
♥ DEAREST SCHMOOPY Your bright light has been a daily gift since we met 10 years ago. Thank you for loving me! Here’s to a lifetime more of light, levity and laughter <3
♥ YOU’RE EASY TO LOVE EmilyBeing with you only ever gets easier, because I’m only ever more in love with you. You’re wonderful, wonderful. Yours always... -Chase
♥ PHOIBE MY LOVE Phoibe! You have shown me a love I did not know was possible. Thank you for all that you are - brave, smart, hot, tender, funny as hell. I love you
♥ COLUMBUS, 2012 Who knew that those two teenagers who went to the Yule Ball would still be in love 13 years later? Can’t wait to talk about cheeseballs till we die xo
♥ LL MY BFFFL You are the color in my life, the bounce in my step, the warmth in my heart. Happy 9th sexy lady! D
♥ MY PLAYER 2 Happy Valentine’s Day, Carl! You’re my cheat code, the Scooby to my Shaggy, and my pure joy. Here’s to endless laughs, love, and adventures. Love you!
♥ DEAR DANIEL I’d share every lemon tart with you, cutie pie. -Hello Kitty
♥ BANANABOI2 hi my sweet guy, thank u for making me food & sharing ur vape & napping w/ me in steamworks & trying to say french words. i luv u <3
♥ TO MY ANGEL LOVE! <3 How grateful I am to know & love you. You’re my shining star. I can’t wait for our new adventure. Let’s get nasty & laugh forever! Love Máxi’s mama ;)
♥ 35 YEARS It’s been a wild ride, my love. I hope to spend many more tickets riding you.
♥ SCHMOOP ALERT Triceratops, I couldn’t have dreamed of feeling so safe and loved. I love you sweetness - your baby pterodactyl
♥ EMMA MY SWAMP WIFE<3 Life feels right with you by my side. It’s the only life for me. Let’s take the shortcut to heaven. Love, Josh
♥ THE KITCHEN CLOCK May that sound forever make you think of me. Listen 2 the second hand ticking, tracing her fingers over ur body in lieu of mine. ilyimy4e
♥ MY HUCKLEBERRY Matt, you’re my huckleberry and the bee’s knees. Let’s sneak away for something fun while Cheesefries is at school. ;) xoxoxoinfinity
Dawn Marie
♥ !GOOBER! I wouldn’t want to face 2025 with anyone else! I love you. xxx
♥ BIG SCHNACK To more nights of YouTube essays, brain rot memes, and thinking about our futures. You make me look forward to our lives together. I love you so much!
♥ WILD QUEER BOY Sweetheart. My darling. Let’s wander the woods & find more mushrooms. Let’s lose track of the times we dance in the living room. Tie me, soon. Plz.
♥ DOUGIE FRESH You’re all brawn & gear • Keeper of my heart and ear • Fun, with a nice rear
♥ MARKY! To the fun and funny guy with the mobster hair and pink robe: you are ooey gooey goodness. Let’s clean the basement and watch an episode of Diplomat!
♥ RED ROSE, PALE SKIN So strong, yet sassy. How do you still turn me on? I’ll film and find out.
♥ BROOCH-BACK MOUNTAIN Oh, Chris of the horrible puns, I’m so glad I get to grow old with you. Though I always do everything 2 years earlier. I love you and Bobbo, 4eva.
♥ SLURPEE 4 SLURPEE Dearest Bronte, the way you yell out at customers whilst bartending at Linda’s makes my lil enby heart melt. Can I buy you a Slurpee some time???
♥ TO JUNE BUG It only took a month to get back to the city we love. I love you, writing this while upset at you, but no matter what I’m happy you’re next to me ur B
♥ FOR CHILIANT I love you and our 10 years of parallel videogame play time. Thank you for lovin’ me, thank you for bein’ there. Everyone’s thankin’ you <3
♥ MY GUAPO BIRD I have So Mushroom in my heart for you
♥ MY DEAREST CERA C You can’t live without me and you know it. So stop pretending and love me. Yours forever, D
♥ FOREVER LOVE Since the moment we met I wanted to barnacle you. Your brain is only exceeded by your heart. I’m sorry I lost faith in us. Help me find my way back.
♥ CAIT + CARLEY 4 EVER I can’t wait to marry you and pinch your butt forever. I love you.
♥ LIL BIG MEXICAN BOY I know you’re missing home but I wish my home was with you
♥ MAREET MAREET The most fun I’ve ever had, the light on the land itself, my joy, my butt, my baby. I think you’re swell. I hope there’s no day in my life without you
♥ HUNTER BUNTER To the moon sweetie
♥ ARMY BUDDY 50 years together. You spoon better than a cook. You keep my fires going. Literally. Happy V Day.
♥ FEN, the depth of feeling you’ve shown me is unlike anything ive felt in my life. theres been pain, but so much passion and love too. Thank you. I love you
tine’s Days with you! OMEGA MOMENT! <3
♥ LOVE IN AUTUMN Love’s weird, I’m weird, but you showed that’s ok. Love can be endurance, patience, and a breeze in autumn. Thanks for showing me how to love again!!!
♥ DEAR ELI- Happy Valentine’s Day to our kind, smart and funny boy! Keep working hard and know we’re cheering you on! love you today and always, Mom & Dad
♥ YOU’RE MY JASMANATEE Jason Manatee You are the one for me Sent from up above You are the one I love Love ya, cutie. I can’t wait to keep bothering you.
♥ JINKY BABY Love you long time
♥ DONNIE BOOBOO I’m at the pizza hut I’m at the taco bell I’m at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. I’m so happy we’re married and we can be blorps together.
♥ ITS BEEN A SLOW YEAR and i deserve a valentine, dammit! so hey, me, you’re lookin’ good. this goes out to you, too. all of you! you deserve one, too! keep it up!
♥ TO MY CAT MEME LOVER U r the cat apple of my eye
♥ LOVE TO WATCH YOU GO The best part of my work day is watching you walk by my concierge desk. You’re delicious.
♥ MORGAN Everyday since you came back to Seattle has been a dream come true. I love you more than I can say, so Ill just keep looking forward to life together
♥ MY SWEET OLD MAN Illiya, you are my sweet old man and I adore you so much. Here’s to the 8 years we’ve had, and another 30+ if we’re lucky and you don’t croak sooner!
♥ TO OUR FUTURE You’re not an anchor, you’re the stabilizing fins of our relation-ship so we can journey far together.
♥ TRUE LOVE Bronwyn, you are the love of my life! Every day we share fills me with so much gratitude for everything we have together.
♥ SPACE MATE Thinking of you from the other coast, can’t wait to see you again. Long distance is fun isn’t it?
♥ I LOVE MY LEGO TWINK you’re cute. AND hot. glad i met u!
♥ HEY NICE LAAAAADY! Loretta!
My disgustingly gorgeous lady! Getting to love you and share silliness and adventures is my favorite thing. I LOVE YOU!!!
XoXo Cake Daddy
♥ PUPPY LOVE GG, From the moment we first sniffed, I knew you were the only corgi for me, can’t wait to see you for dinner at SRB! Love, Jacks
♥ I ADORE YOU MARIA Maria R... I am blessed to have you in my life, and want nothing more than the opportunity to love you more and more every day. With Love, Chris A.
♥ CUDDLE KITTEN RON Gettting to know you has been amazing! Your smile is beautiful and you’re sexy as hell. Your intelligence, humor and kindness is inspiring. Love you!
♥ BEE I’ve had the loveliest 7 months with you and I’m so happy you’re in my life. You’re a good, sweet, smart, handsome person and I love you very much <3
♥ HI KITTEN MITTENS Sink your claws into me whenever you please. In return I’ll cook you the most intricate midnight brunch and feed it to you bite by bite, sweets first.
♥ TO MY 1ST VALENTINE We’re so lucky to be paired together in life. Worth the wait methinks! I love you book. Cheers to more Valen-
♥ MAHWUN FOR ALWAYS 13 years together and you still give me butterflies every day. You’re the tallest man to my strongest shoulders. <3 Renard
♥ BLACK CAT, WHITE PUP
My little puppy makes me feel loved. He pets my hand, and puts his head near my heart. I’m so lucky, let’s cuddle, woof woof.
♥ A BAJILLION <3 I am so very grateful for you, AJ! Thank you for being YOU. Your love calms me like no other. I love you a bajillion!! xo
♥ TO LOUIE Will you be my Valentine? BF
♥ MARRIED TO PANDA The day I’m submitting this valentine is our 16-year anniversary of dating, and this is our 1st year married. I’m so lucky. Love you cute Pand.
♥ HONEY BEAR You make love supremely. Your beauty’s so dreamy. An electric part of me will always be touching a sacred part of you. Heavenly! Love you xoxo moi
♥ BBG Thanks for founding the Midnight Idiot’s Club with me. Miss you already. Until I can give you my favorite post-coitus Astro boy hair style again…
♥ ¡TE ADORO! Valerie - Gracias por tanto amor durante todos estos años. Gracias por ser mi esposa y mi mejor amiga. - Joe
♥ AN ODE TO KHAMIYRA~ Khamiyra be the bee’s own knees, doth I needlessly decree, for all can see, she is that B, and I love her endlessly. <3 N
♥ TOO CHICKEN 2 ADMIT Hi Jasper, I saw you as soon as you walked onto the dance floor. I gave you the biggest smile. I was too chickenshit to admit it. Be my valentine?
♥ 30 YEARS OF LOVE My Snuggle Love, we’ve been together 30 years. I cherish the quiet, peaceful life we’ve built together. -Your Snuggle Bear
♥ GOGO OF MY DREAMS You were out of my league and now we’re building one of our own. Despite us dancing in the dark, you found a way to truly see me <3
♥ 1,193-880-0 MILES how ever far from each other we are i always know you are who i want to be with. i cant imagine spending my life with anyone else. i love you Bri
♥ 21 YEARS OF K&E Our love is now legally allowed to buy its own weed and booze. Here’s to another 21 spins around the sun with you, my dear! <3 <3 <3
♥ MY LIGHT, MY LOVE Branden, my love, happy anniversary! Thank you for filling the last 6 years with joy & laughter. Here’s to us, the memories, & Tilly, Daisy, & Addy!
♥ LOVE FOR AGING PUNK For my ex-boyfriend how I love you. My valentines wish…here it is, here I am, turn it up, fucking loud. Love, the red head.
♥ TO MY BAT IN THE SKY Let not this world trouble us as we move this year into marriage, into new life in a new home, where all good people can see the vital love we share.
♥ NORMAN How could I have so much love for someone that makes me want to rip my hair out daily? I guess it’s easy when they are as adorable as you. I love you!
♥ P.R.I.N.C.E.L.L.A.
P.R.I.N.C.E.L.L.A: Pretty Rad Individual, Never Could Ever Lie, Love Always- Robbie. I’ll love you till the day I die.
♥ IUBICHEK! I feel so lucky to have you in my life! Thanks for everything you do for us! Love you A.
♥ SAM + JORDAN 4EVA I love you so much, Sammy! You’re my ride or die. My favorite person. My Best Partner. Love you forever and always <3
♥ HONEYCOMB I’m sitting across from you right now while you bake in our kitchen. I never thought domesticity could be this fun, this safe. You’ve given me bliss.
♥ DEACON Tu es mon ciel bleu. Love, Cara Mia
♥ STOP BEING SO HOT Sending ALL THE LOVE to my fiancé (soon to be husband), Brandon. You make hard weeks brighter, you’re so intelligent and just cool–and obvio too hot!
♥ J+C J, I love you so much, I can’t wait to marry you! You are so beautiful, kind, smart, and incredible in bed. 2025 is our year & we are forever. C
♥ DEAR ROBINICK, AMORE You’re the reason why my heart widens and my heart sings. Happy V-Day to the love of my life. Ps. The gym and those titties be looking good on you
♥ MY SPICY MEATBALL Erin, I can’t believe it’s already been 2 1/2 years! My love for you has only grown stronger. Suffocate me with your giant melons ( . Y . )
♥ MARA I love you to the moon and back.
♥ HEY YOU SMART CHICK! We met thanks to The Stranger in 98. We Gay Married before it was legal. 1 house, 2 kids, and countless adventures later, I’d do it all again with you
♥ NEW YEAR’S EVE 2 J- You’re my other half. I love you. I can’t wait to make it to New Year’s Eve 3. -A
♥ LIZ LIZZY ELIZABETH Nobody knows this little Rose - It might a pilgrim be Did I not take it from the ways And lift it up to thee. Be my Valentine? VH.
♥ TO THE HAREM My Forever Valentines - I’m so grateful for your love, support, humor, weed, food, and joie de vivre. See you every Sunday until we die!
♥ SHENANIGANS! ADM: You make my pussy wet & my heart full. Looking forward to what comes next! With love and devotion, QEC
♥ DOT CARE NOT DOT COM Dear coworkers you drive me crazy, but I still love you. I couldn’t ask to spend 40 hours a week with better weirdos! XOXO Bri-T
♥ WINDY CITY LOVE The world is a happier, funnier place with you in it, as long as weird-o-clock stays behind closed doors. Keep that locked up. From, Thosmas
♥ THEN NOW ALWAYS When I flew to Seattle in the summer of 2020, so much was uncertain except that I was going to meet my future wife. I love you more than anyone.
♥ ROSES FOR SEVGILIM You stole my heart, so I contend with your farts. If we must shove roses, far up our noses, I would buy them by the dozen, to keep our love buzzin’.
♥ DYNAMITE JJ ain’t got nothing on us! Glad to share all our good times together, well, almost, except for dessert. Love you my dear. We will always be TnT.
♥ GAMERA IS RLY NEAT I love you very much. I’m so proud of you and glad that you are here. Like I said before… I’d be fine on my own but I’d rather live my life with you.
♥ BANANABOY I can’t believe it’s been 28 Valentine’s Days with you - it still feels just as good as the first. Now let’s go clean that sweater. Love, E
♥ FOR YOU :) I love the songs you added to my playlist. Your freckles & your laugh are the cutest. It’s early days but I hope this year you’ll be my Valentine xx
♥ TGISWEATY Happy Valentine’s Day Sweaty! I sure love you OH-SO-MUCH. Love da Weedie
♥ JODIE ANN ??? HAPPY VALENTINES JODIE ANN ..LOVE..DOE
♥ TIGGEDY TIGER V-DAY Your hair is amazing. Your central heterochromia is beautiful. You are tall, smart, funny, and talented, and you have a great sense of style.
♥ ALEXAMIN Alexa, I love you to the moon and back, I’m so grateful to have you in my life <3
♥ FOR THE LEMON GUY! Dear N, The friendship we have is one of the best parts of my life. I love you always. -D
♥ TO MY HONEY BUNNY: Thanks for being my safe space, my best friend, my tangerine — I will love you forever <3 Love, Your Dumpling P.S. Fox Den pt. 2 this summer?
♥ CRUSHING AT PCC You, employee - smart, kind, funny enby. Me - bi, polyamorous, awkward. How do I flirt and not make it weird? (Not like this, obv. Ooops!)
♥ PRETTY LADY FRIEND How lucky that Jaime’s early story turned out to be ours. I will follow you anywhere. Love, Ter
♥ PINK CLOUD I didn’t know love at first sight was real until I met you. What a trip, 3 years later here we are! I love being gay and fae with you, mwah xox 11:11
♥ NOT USED TO IT.... “Happy Valentine’s Day to the one who makes my heart race and my soul feel alive. Your strength, loyalty, and passion are unmatched, its very fun.
♥ IN ON IT Last year, snow fell as we slept beside each other. This year, I savor you every night I can. Loving you is the easiest thing my heart has known.
♥ HAPPY 10YRS! Happy 10yrs my favorite ginger. I am so lucky to have you in my life! Thank you for always wanting to get pizza with me and making me egg drop soup!
♥ YOU ARE DAMN FINE JP My log has something to tell you: Roses are blue the black lodge is red the donuts are sweet and so are you. There’s no garmonbozia when I’m with you.
♥ MAGIC BOX BOI! You came 2 my job looking 4 someone else but I snatched u up 2 the vip. I asked u 2 help me learn programming. Here we r years later I <3 u the most
♥ SARDONIC SLAV Welcome back from London! Maybe next year we’ll be reading the Stranger Valentines across the pond together. Thanks for sticking with me. I love you.
♥ OH HELLO! To my two very best guys: one I’ve loved for 20 years and one for eight, you are my whole shiny world. What excellent luck I have in you.
♥ POTATO<3 Celebrating our 6th Valentine’s together and I still can’t wait to jump your bones! Here’s to 600 more, love you forever my beebeebooboobee
♥ A BEAR LIKE NO OTHER You’re a man of contradiction. Hard & soft. Tender & gruff. Serious & super silly. I love your many sides and some day I hope to lock them all down.
♥ MY DEAR MAX i love you and i am grateful you were here
♥ BRIEBER MY VALENTINE I will love you forever and ever, qt. Love your bb
♥ TO: MY #1 SINGER I’m sorry I couldn’t be the friend/situationship you wanted me to be - I miss you everyday but your breadcrumbs were starving me.
CS
♥ MY FLAME Karalyn- meeting you is my life’s miracle, and loving you is my greatest joy. Thank you for diving into the river with me. For you: anything. tanew.
♥ NOELLE The strongest kindling; Beating fire in my heart; Just hearing your name.
♥ FOR MY BOO i am so glad to see how much we both have grown since last year. can’t wait to grow further, individually, together.booski
♥ LOVE YOU TO THE MAX Kyle, you’re the best partner any person could ask for: patient, loving, funny, adventurous, a dog lover plus a Motopapi. A real 11/10 in my book.
♥ CO-WORKER CONUNDRUM Dear [XX], You said now that I’m single I can sit on any face I want to. Can it be yours?
♥ BEEFCAKE & BANANA So glad I found you! It is an honor and a privilege to love you. You are my favorite and I enjoy wasting my life with you.
♥ TAXIDERMY CLASS LOVE From sharing a table with you, to sharing the last few years, I am so lucky to have you! I adore you and truly cherish our life together. Love, Summer
♥ SUZANNE STAR Your farts are sometimes worse than mine and I love you for it
♥ MY DELICATE SKELETON My heart has missed your laughing smile, your sparklèfärgen gaze. A rendezvous on V-day?! We shall fulfill the prophecy. I am yours, Debonair Falconer
♥ WINTER! Mi amor. I love you. A lot. But like. Probably all the lots. Almost certainly all of them. And also very much. Thank you for being amazing. <3 xtina
♥ WE SURVIVED Y2K We ran away to Mexico for 6 months. I thought your idea to start a donut business in Seattle was funny. It’s been a hot and delicious 25 years.
♥ DEAR KADE happy valentines! i’m so happy to be your boyfriend and i love you so much! i hope you have a wonderful day :) love, finn
♥ BROWN EYES I love you more each day. It’s so funny how we met, but I’m so happy. Thank you for these months. Let’s hit the mountain soon. TQM. -Lorenzo
♥ MY CAPRICORN QUEEN can’t believe how lucky i am to have you in my life; let’s garage sale and picnic forever? i love you so much b! ps never watch ahead in SATC again ;)
♥ MY TRAVEL KITTY! Thank for being my travel kitty and letting me drag you around the world on your poor feets. <3 Your Kitty
♥ STINK;PEPA LA PHEW IOU my better half all my love use shampoo!
♥ TO JPEG Happy Valentine’s Day bestie! I can’t wait to meet John Pork and Carrie in Gerpville for Martinis later to celebrate! <3 Love, Bestie
♥ TO MY HUSBAND RO 10 years of profound love, I keep your name in my flesh and heart. You are hot AF! I have infinite love and gratitude for you. 90 more years sweet <3!
♥ TO MY BUSH PILOT You may operate at low altitudes, but you’ve got me high on life. I’ll see you in the cockpit, T. With love, J.
♥ JUST SOME SOULMATES dear al, remember when we got married? everyday with you is a dream come true. i’m looking forward to more slow & sweet adventures in 2025! xoxo cal
♥ I HAVE A SECRET! It’s BONES! I love you, Beau, you’re the best dad and husband in the world. And you’re handsome!
♥ TEAM HUMPSKI Still at it, 15 years later. Love you Quippersnapper. -Mumphreys
♥ UNBREAK YOUR ANKLE You broke all three bones at the roller rink, I nursed you back to health and we fell in love. Break me off a piece of that!
♥ SNOW’D IN Princess, You are an A+ addition to my life. Moving together gracefully, Seeing you makes me giddy, Always grateful to be with you -Adaam
♥ PORT ORCHARD NATHAN Happy Valentine’s Day my Love xox Vanessa
♥ THE DUFF WAS GREAT I am so lucky to love and be loved by you, you got me giggling and kicking my feet every day muahmuahmuah xoxo I love you
♥ BRISKET Smoke in my hair, you don’t care. You help when I cant. My bbq buddy, my adorable wife, my best friend in every adventure. Thanks for choosing me.
♥ MAGICAL MOONBEAM Lucy moonbeam; oh what a gorgeous shimmer of magical light you are! I am forever comforted by your GLOW. Let’s dance! The most. love, winkybean
♥ STRANGER TO MY LOVE My love is what you call me now, five months ago you were just a stranger. Now I know and love everything about you. Happy Valentine’s Day Nathan!!
♥ EMMETT Don’t get eaten by bears!
♥ TOGETHER FOREVER <3 To Lydia and Kiara; Everything in the universe had to align perfectly for us to end up as sisters- it was meant to be. I love you!
♥ DISPATCH TO WORMBOY youve infested my heart & i hope no one ever exterminates it. bird princex 2 my bird prince. lets live laugh love fill our bellies indulge in our pure
♥ HI, B we get married this year. can’t believe I got this lucky and we get to spend the rest of our lives together, laughing everyday. can’t wait.
♥ TO: VITA Oh I do miss you; I think of you: I have a million things, not so much to say, as to sink into you. From: Virginia ♥ LOVE OF ALL KINDS ilysm baby boo’s mom and nyc bitch, u make platonic love so special. also to my ex who married his cousin, i still love u too, u psychotic weirdo
♥ LOVE U > OYSTERS NC: Something I’ve never told you is you are the love of my life. I love the person you are and the person you allow me to be.
♥ MY HEART BURNS 4 U Megthank you for being my family, for making life exceptional, and for filling our home with warmth and light. forever yours, valfred ♥ FROM: CHUMBAWUMBA To: My Chimichanga My favorite guy - Words aren’t good enough! lemme sit on it! I love you Xoxo ChumbaWumba
♥ DEAREST DOODLE We’re together in every universe, as sand pipers and binary star systems and everything in between. I’m glad we get to hold hands in this lifetime tho
♥ KINDRED SPIRIT I am crazy about you. I want to smell you and taste your skin. Wish I could tell you.
♥ YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE My sunshine, you really do make me happy when skies are grey. I love you, Daniel, you light up my life! You will always be my ultimate grateful thing.
♥ HEY SNOOKI BEAR! I love you Nick :) and I’m glad we’re never leaving Seattle… until our lease is up in June ;) Yeah, I know. I never call you Snookie Bear :P
♥ TO WHOM I ADORE Happy Valentine’s day to the only person I allow to call me stinky (affectionately.) Bryce, you are incomparable, I love you.
♥ …OR WHATEVER ;) I’m so stupidly in love with you; it’s rewiring my brain and allowing me to feel hopeful for the future. I’ve never felt that before. xoxo
♥ WHAT A YEAR Best of times, worst of times amiright? 15 yrs married and we defied the curse with matching tattoos. Let’s try for 15 more of travel, kids & Wahnsinn
♥ TO MY BBYBBS dear bbybbs- I can’t tell you how excited I am to start our next chapter with a lil bbybbsbby! you will be an amazing father and I’m lucky you’re mine
♥ MI SERGIO My handsome esquire: the biggest Yes to all the adventures on our lista and much more. Here’s to finding lalaland wherever we go. I adore you, my rock
♥ I LIVE YOU Emily, we still have so much to explore together and there’s no one I’d rather bucket list with. Love always to my little jetpack - Aimee
♥ ROSE FOR A ROSE You have worked so hard and I am so proud of you! This will be your best year yet! Thank you for letting me be a part of it all. Love Mom
♥ TO THE FELLA OVER THERE w/ the hella good hair, ocean blue eyes and perfect ass. It’s you me and Kivin, a maui beach, a photoshoot. I love u!
♥ HUSBEAR Snuggle buddy for life, I love you. Thank you for this crazy journey of partnership with me. Let’s fuck, then look at dumb-dumbs on IG. Love, Wifecat
♥ MILES!! <3 <3 <3 It’s only been 23 days & I AM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!! I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. You are such a blessing, it feels surreal! SL
♥ LOVE FROM BIG KITTY I love you so very much my sweet little kitty. I love to snuggle and adore you. You are my world. It’s just two kitties in the big city.
♥ TALLDRIP/TELEJAY You make me melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. From coffee shop to Mtn town let’s keep these adventures coming. I love you FOR EV ERRRRRRRRRRRRR
♥ WEEEEEEE MARRIED My long distance swamp puppy, may you feel this wet sloppy kiss from Germany and brace yoself for the real thing! Still crushing on you always. Träume
♥ DEAR WHITE GAYS It’s funny how magically white gays lose their racial preference once they get old.
♥ HAPPY GAY VALENTINES To my sweet husband Connor, Happy Valentine’s Day to my favorite adventure partner and the man who puts up with all my sass. I love you always. -Lane
♥ TWO LOVEDOVES Dearest, I love being on a team with you and moving through life together. I’m so lucky and grateful to love you and be loved by you. All my love, RG
♥ MY DEAREST PSO what did you say? what was said, are you right? am I right? Will we do this till we are 80? I sure do hope so. Life is more fun this way. Tu Verito.
♥ NOT A FLING We’ll get through this year Thrive not just survive We’ll design our own lives and give her magic. You’re my love & best friend. Happy Valentine’s Day
♥ A MUSICAL LIFE This Dr. Zebra loves their sexy Cheetah more than 150 characters can express. Thank you for being my baben.
♥ TO MY BOY 7 months of treatment; 3 of which were inpatient. Staying with someone so unstable is as crazy as I am, but you did it. You’re my hero & better half.
♥ TO MY FREMONT BADDIE
Heyyyyyyyy Jillian! You see how many Y’s I included? You know what that means ;) Can’t wait to spend Valentine’s in NYC with ya <3 I love you! - Zac
♥ SPACE ASTRONAUT O wish you could’ve seen how wonderful you were/are through my eyes. i hope you’re doing well and figuring things out. z says hi, big hug xox
♥ WOULD POMPEII W YOU Zaq, I am so grateful for your love, laughter, and the way you make every day brighter and more meaningful. I love you! <3
♥ MY SWEET MADDI - I like you. I like spending time with you. You make me happy. I love you. Love, K
♥ MORE & MORE, MI AMOR Alejandro, I’m the luckiest girl in the world because I get to wake up next to your cute butt everyday. Love you more and more, mi amor. -Alexa
♥ UR MY BEST FRIEND :) i love you forever rosalie. happy 4th valentine’s day together, and here’s to many more <3
♥ DRUMMER?PERVERT?BOTH your beats are perverted so is your MIND. tasty! let’s lick one another & then we can make a song about it? hot 4 u in all time
♥ JARNATHAN! 3 questions: what did Da Baby do? When will you wear wigs? Is my hat a pancake? I’m glad we have the rest our lives to find the answers!
♥ CHUGGA CHUGGA choooo choooo I’m so in love with you! You’re incredible at everything you do, including me. Happy Valentine’s Day, baby! xo, your darlin’
♥ TO MY FAVORITE I’m so incredibly grateful I get to share a life with you. I hope we find each other in our next life just as fast
♥ SWEETEST FRUIT Makana, you are my twin flame. We are two halves of the same soul reincarnated in this life. I am hopeful for our re union. I’m awake because of you.
♥ LOVE LOVE we don’t celebrate this holiday, and many others-but i love love and i love how we love-i love how you love-i love how im learning to love how i love.
♥ LOVE YOU, BABS! Babs, you are the greatest thing to ever happen to be. You are the most spectacular pug. I love you more than your father.
♥ PROFESSIONAL YAOIER Loving you feels like a force bigger than time itself. For forever, whatever that means.
♥ BEST EX GF EVER Marie, my dearest—I’m so glad you’re in my life, 48 hours at a time. I hope to always find strands of your hair in odd places. Love, Friday <3
♥ O 2 LOVE YOU, ELLEN! U r the sun in my sky, the shimmering glass 2 my sea, &the ethereal cephalopod who dreams in softest shells.Im so lucky &Pinch myself that u r real <3
♥ B, Even after all this time, I’m still into you.
♥ MY LOVELY My tender fella, there is a chapel in my heart crafted just for you. Love is a religion and I feel holy with your hand in mine. Noodle
♥ HAPPY VALENTINES DAY
Jhacinda you’re the strongest, most beautiful, caring and funniest woman I’ve ever met. You make my day when I’m sad and bring the most joy I love you
♥ A++ HAMSTER DAD To JP, Another year, another haiku: You’re the Time to my / Traveler, the Jurassic / To my Park—love you.
♥ WAT’S UR ZODIAC SIGN “Hood rat…Cambodian zodiac” you replied. Baby, I love you so much!!! There’s no one else I’d RAT-ther be with in this life.
♥ THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. Lucas, Bowie and I are so appreciative of you. Excited for our upcoming wedding. Can’t wait to share our lives together. Love Sam & Bowie.
♥ MY DEAREST MR B You are my sweetheart. I love sitting on the balcony in sunshine with you. Thank you for finishing my food. Please get me 17 loves at Ballard Market.
♥ TO MY EVERYTHING Erlan, I love you so much. I can’t wait for us to start this new chapter of parenthood, and to fall even harder for you when you become a dad.
♥ STILL FIRST PLACE! This trophy husband is still all in on his number one boo for all time ever and don’t you forget it. Even with round two on the way, you always be #1
♥ DANIEL MY FRIEND Dan The Cat Man Super Dan Verizon Service for over twenty years of helping with computer nerds training cat rescue Vino Roco Miyagi James Rio Tabitha
♥ FOR MY BLUESMAN You Put a Spell on Me, 12 yrs ago at 88 Keys, Singin’ my Life with your Song. At Last, you Loved me with a Feeling. You my sweet Hoochie Coochie Man.
♥ MICHELLE As I write this you sleep soundly next to me. Your soft breaths bring me peace. I feel joy waking up next to you. Thank you for your love. I love you.
♥ COLORFUL VALENTINE Dear Olivia, Roses are red, Violets are blue, I only know because of you. With love, Your colorblind boyfriend
♥ ABFAB I knew what love was when I first saw you. I love you forever and ever. You make me proud, laugh, think and are always in my heart
♥ STRANGER BEST-OF ‘02 U Anna May: easy winner of omitted category, lovely ginger, adorbs playful. Me: Bill, fun, thoughtful, artsy oldsoul, @ Old 5th Ave Tavern F/Sat nites
♥ MY MOON AND STARS Thank you for being my one and only, especially this past year. I could not have gotten through without you. I love you honey bear, always and forever
♥ MY SWEET SONNY ANGEL my sweet thang you make me sing thanks for being mine you are so so fine
♥ YOU’RE MINE Happy love day, bbgirl! I love to love you. May you spend the day missing me and wishing I was around to bite your cheeks. See you so soon <3 ♥ BE MY DM I rolled a Nat 20 when a Wizard in Knight’s armour stole this Druid Lich’s cold heart like it was the Wand of Orcus. Roll with me forever?
♥ BIG BOOMBA happy valentine’s day to my sweet boomba. u r the best roomie and boyfriend a girl could ask 4 (+ u r great at garbage duty) xo love you <3 boombie
♥ YOU HAD ME AT HELLO Remember when you told me I looked like a brown thumb waving at you when met for our first date? I am still 2 thumbs up 8.5 years later.
♥ CHASE caught my eye, ear, mind, and then heart; may the rest unfold, like you: a work of art.
♥ YOU GET IT! Ebb & flow. Thick & thin. Whatever the weather. Under promise; over deliver. In it to win it since forever but also 1999.
♥ HEY DERRIK! I LIKE U It’s true! I think you’re pretty good. Maybe even the best. But not the grayest -- never the grayest. Love you! - me
♥ BECAUSE WHO ELSE? I am sending this Valentine to myself, because none of the men I’m involved with will think to send one.
♥ TO MY POOKS, CHIDDY, Thankful to be your valentine this year and every year. The future doesn’t scare me with you by my side. I love you more than anything!!!
♥ THE LOVE OF MY LIFE Kim You are Strong Smart and Beautiful. I love you. Trevor
♥ MY LOVE AND MY LADY Prestidigitation isn’t a long or complex enough word to describe the magic you bring to us. We’re pretty good together. I like you and I love you.
♥ BAE, I LUH YOU Lee, in the words of Sexxxy Red—Bae I luh you, you my everything! Our love is Endless is Luther and I’m saving all my love like Whitney. <3 Baby girl
♥ 10 YEARS & FOREVER 10 years later, you still share your fries and have my whole heart. Now we’re engaged—lucky for you, I’m patient. Lucky for me, you’re mine forever.
♥ AMY! AMY! AMY! AMY! I’m begging you please Be my valentine or else I will be so sad
♥ MONKEY Monkey, happy Valentine’s day I can’t wait to celebrate on the sea and slow dance with you in the living room forever ... I love you
2025 Sex Survey Results
Threesomes and Orgies Continue to Rise, Top Population Continues to Sink, and Seattle Is Only Medium-Horny for Luigi
BY MEGAN SELING
ILLUSTRATIONS BY PETE GAMLEN
Seeing how 2024 was rife with bullshit, I expected the results of our annual sex survey to echo that same dread. It’s hard to get horny in the midst of a terrifying political shitstorm, after all. But despite it all, nearly 3,000 of you beautiful people took the time to answer all our nosey questions, and the results have left us feeling warm and fuzzy with optimism.
Compared to last year’s numbers, more of you are more satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having, fewer of you are keeping your kinks and fetishes from your
partners, and the number of you in your preferred relationship— single vs. monogamous vs. in a polycule, for example—has increased. You’re having more boat sex, too! Plus, numbers are up for threesomes and orgies, which we count as a win because year after year, without fail, those are the two activities that top the majority of your “One sex act I want to do before I die…” lists. Dreams do come true.
It’s not all good, I suppose. The number of tops continues to decline (supporting Seattle’s reputation for running ’em all out of town), y’all are only 5/10 horny
for Luigi Mangione (baffling!), and, for some reason, 2% of you are Republican, Libertarian, or MAGA. Gross.
Still, the average Seattleite— at least the average Seattleite willing to participate in our survey—seems to be pretty satisfied with where they are right now, whether married and monogamous or racking up Tinder dates left and right (which is where 23% of you report usually meeting your sex partners).
This year, it’s clear that you’re gettin’ yours, Seattle. (Or not! You’re on the rise, asexuals!) I’m so proud of you.
THE BRASS TACKS
Let’s first look at some of the most basic numbers, shall we? Most of you survey takers (35%) are straight, with 20% identifying as bisexual, 14% queer, 13% gay, 8% pansexual/omnisexual, 6% lesbian, 2% questioning, 2% asexual, and 1% other.
Though straights still have the largest slice of the pie, their numbers have dwindled over the years. A whopping 48% of respondents identified as straight in 2023, and that number dipped to 42% in 2024. At this rate, straight folks will be all but extinct by 2031! That’s how math works, right?
Cis men and cis women make up 41% and 38% of respondents, respectively, with nonbinary (11%), genderqueer (4%), trans women (3%), trans men (2%), and “other” (2%) rounding out the list. Less than 1% identified as two-spirit or intersex. But don’t worry, it’s not a contest! We’re glad you’re all here!
BODY COUNT
Who’s racking up the highest body count among our survey takers? *drum roll* Gay cis men! Same as last year. More than half of all the gay cis men between the ages of 36–45 who took our survey report having slept with at least 100 people. Comparatively, most straight cis men in the same age bracket have gone to bed with fewer than 25 folks. (Again, it’s not a contest!)
You might assume that those who say they’ve slept with more than 100 people are living that single life, but you’d be wrong! It’s a pretty close split, actually, with about 31% married, 32% in a relationship, and 37% single. You might also assume that those same people are Democrats or socialists who live on Capitol Hill, and, woo boy, I have more news for you! That’s exactly the case, actually, never mind.
Zooming out and looking at the full results, the majority (59%) of you have slept with fewer than 25 people, and 32% of you have slept with fewer than 10.
MONOGAMY RULES
Monogamous - 41.66%
Single - 22.94%
Nonmonogamous - 17.49%
Monogamish - 13.09%
A polycule that would make an amino acid blush - 4.82%
We found that 77% of you are in a relationship, and 23% of you are single. More than half of you who are married or in a relationship report being monogamous, while 21% of you are nonmonogamous, and 16% walk that monogamish line. We see you, too, polycules! You may only represent 5% of survey takers, but that’s up from 2% in 2023 and 3% in 2024. The polycule is growing!
Regardless of relationship status, the bulk of you, 41%, prefer monogamy when partnered up. Monogamish is the second most popular preference at 27%, with nonmonogamous (19%), “a polycule that would make an amino acid blush” (8%), and single (4%) rounding out the list.
One interesting stat in all this: Of those who say they’d prefer to be single, 4% are married, and 9% are in a relationship. Find what makes you happy, friends! (I mean, don’t do anything cruel or illegal, but maybe talk to a therapist about it?)
TOPS CONTINUE TO FLEE
Seattle’s dearth of tops isn’t getting better. Last year, just a quarter of respondents claimed that topping was the role that best suited them in the sack, and this year’s number is even lower at 23%. If you’re looking to get topped, the majority of them report living in Capitol Hill and West Seattle.
NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH
This was the first year we asked where y’all lived and were able to crunch the numbers in any meaningful way. Last year, we made the mistake of posing the question as a fill-in-the-blank, and holy guacamole, I don’t wanna judge, but people are terrible spellers! It was useless data! Lesson learned. This time around, we made the question multiple choice and learned that more than 80% of you live in Seattle. The neighborhood with the most sex survey takers is… *drum roll* Capitol Hill! No surprise there. West Seattle, Ballard, Central District, and Greenwood round out the top five. Is it true that West Seattle is where all the straight folks move once they turn 40? I can’t say for certain, but the majority of Capitol Hill survey takers are between the ages of 26–35, and only 16% of those on the Hill identify as straight. (With 25% identifying as gay, 20% as bi, and 19% as queer.) Meanwhile, 63% of West Seattle folks who filled out the survey are 36 or older, and respondents predominantly (44%) identify as straight. Math!
POLITICS OF THE HEART
Democrats and socialists make up a whopping 77% of all respondents, with independents, other, and anarchists falling in line in that order. Ten (individuals, not %) of you claim to be proud members of the MAGA party??? Feels like a lie, but sure.
TYING THE NOT
The majority of you survey takers (40%) are in a relationship, with married and single folks splitting the difference at 31 and 29%, respectively. That’s pretty on par with last year’s numbers.
The national narrative has long been that people are waiting until later in life to get married if they’re getting married at all. Our survey suggests the same—just 3% of survey takers who are 25 years old or under have tied the knot (take that, Institute for Family Studies!), and the majority of married respondents are between 36–45 years old.
CHEATING UPDATES
The numbers of folks who have cheated and haven’t cheated on their partners are almost identical between this year’s and last year’s numbers. As ever, the two groups most likely to cheat, according to our results, are straight cis men and straight cis women, with gay cis men rounding out the top three. Have y’all never seen an episode of Snapped? Did you learn nothing from the Ashley Madison scandal???? It does not end well!
FURBABY ON BOARD
Childless pet owners outnumber parents of human children 34 to 23%, supporting Seattle’s growing reputation for being overrun with DINKWADs. Next time, we’ll include a field where you can upload a picture of your dogs and cats and guinea pigs and birds because squeeeeeee!!!! We wanna see dere cute widdle faces!!!! [Editor’s Note: WRONG KIND OF SURVEY, MEGAN.]
BABES IN TOYLAND
BIG NEWS! This year’s top three sex toys are vibrators, lubricants, and dildoes! Just kidding, that’s not news.
Nancy Callan (American, born 1964). Cosmic Waves, 2023. Blown and slumped glass; 30 × 21 × 1 in. Courtesy of the artist. Photo by Russell Johnson.
That’s exactly the same as both 2024 and 2023. The least popular kink accouterments include penis pumps, waifu body pillows, and sex dolls, in that order. (They’re even less popular than “whatever’s in the vegetable crisper”!)
In that same vein, only about 18% of you report using medication or supplements, such as Viagra, Addyi, and poppers, to help your performance.
AS FOR KINKS
Since kink preferences can evolve or be influenced by trends and pop culture, it’s interesting to watch how things change over the years. For example, in 2023, blindfolds were a top-five kink, but now they’re barely holding on to a spot in the top 10. Meanwhile, nipple play skyrocketed from being a favorite for 41% of you in 2023 to 55% in 2025! It’s this year’s second-most-popular kink! Congratulations, nipple play. Here is your crown. (Haha, I just imagined a tiny crown be -
ing placed on a nipple—cute.)
Group sex is on the move—it was enjoyed by 40% of you in 2023 and is now making 48% of y’all happy—and gaping/stretching is having a moment, too. Sure, it’s still niche, but 6% of respondents enjoyed it in 2023, and that’s up to 10% this year.
All that said, the top five kinks among the whole sex survey population are submissiveness, nipple play, spanking, bondage, and group sex. In case you’re curious, the top five kinks for those 10 alleged MAGA voters appear to be domination, submissiveness, gagging, and then a five-way tie with spanking, spitting, rimming, age play, and consensual nonconsent. Do with that what you will.
SINGLE SERVINGS
Somewhat satisfied - 42.64%
Very satisfied - 23.40%
Dissatisfied - 21.20%
Very dissatisfied
More than 70% of respondents in a relationship are somewhat satisfied (if not very satisfied) with the amount of sex they’re having. Congratulations! That bucks the old “marriage = involuntary celibacy” stereotype that Al Bundy drilled into our brains. (Survey results suggest that fewer than half of you are old enough to get that reference, but I don’t care.) How does that compare to the single life? About half of our single survey takers report being dissatisfied (if not very dissatisfied) with the amount of sex they are (or, in this case, I’m guessing they are not) having. Sorry to hear it! I hope 2025 is your year.
THREESOMES AND ORGIES ARE UP
The number of you who report having participated in an orgy has increased by nearly 10% since 2023, with almost 30% of y’all getting it on with more than three people at one time. More than 60% of participants claim orgies are “correctly rated,” with 27% writing them off as overrated. Admittedly, there’s some weird, imperfect math at play here. More than 800 people say they’ve orgied (that’s a word, right?), but more than 1,000 people answered whether orgies were overrated, underrated, or correctly rated. How do you know if you’ve never…?? INSERT SKEPTICAL EMOJI HERE.
No - 48.44% HAVE YOU EVER PARTICIPATED IN A THREESOME?
Yes - 51.56%
HAVE YOU EVER PARTICIPATED IN AN ORGY?
Yes - 29.31%
No - 70.69%
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX WORK, BABY
Fewer than 15% of you claim to subscribe to online sex worker sites such as OnlyFans or ManyVids. That’s up, barely, from 12% in 2023 and 13% in 2024.
About 4% of this year’s survey takers say they perform sex work, with 2% working online, 1% working in person, and another 1% working both online and in-person. It’s the sole source of income for 1% of you.
YOU LOVE PORN, THO!
While subscriptions to sites like OnlyFans have only increased a couple of points in recent years, your commitment to porn holds strong, Seattle! About 71% of survey takers watch porn at least one or two times a week, with 9% of you claiming to partake every single day. Those numbers are almost identical to 2024 and 2023.
AND MASTURBATING!
More than 90% of all sex survey respondents choke the chicken, diddle the skittle, jack the beanstalk, paddle the pink canoe, and make the bald man cry at least a few times a month. The majority of you get busy with yourself at least twice a week, on average, while a not-unimpressive 20% of you she-bop “every damn day.”
February 13 | 8pm
Raisbeck
Immersive
Marcin Pączkowski
June
BOAT SEX IS UP, TOO!
When it comes to humping in modes of transportation, the car continues to reign supreme. A whopping 98% of you have gotten lucky in an automobile. (What I really want to know is how many of them were Cybertrucks.) But coming (heh) in second is… THE BOAT! Boat sex is up this year, with 33% of survey takers having taken to the high sea. Trains are in third—and also on the rise!—with 12%, and planes are holding steady with 7%. Once again, a handful of you claim to have gotten busy on the Monorail, and seeing as how a Monorail ride lasts “approximately 3 minutes,” I honestly don’t know if that’s a proper brag or a self-own.
YOUR HORNINESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE
We debated whether or not to ask how horny you were for Luigi Mangione because we assumed every single response was going to be like “omg so horny, very horny, 100 out of 10, would fuck, kill all CEOs.” So how surprised were we to see Luigi average just over 5 on the survey’s 1-10 horny scale. That’s only medium horny! Those numbers do shift a bit when sorted by gender and orientation. Straight cis men put their horniness for Luigi around 3, straight cis women average just over 5, and gay cis men are the horniest for him, coming in just over 6. ■
USE YOUR WORDS
IF YOU LISTEN TO MUSIC DURING SEX, WHAT’S YOUR GO-TO SONG?
This year, one artist popped up more than any other, and no, it wasn’t Chappell Roan. (I’m surprised, too! “My Kink Is Karma” is hot!) Guitar god Gabriella Sarmiento Wilson, aka H.E.R., was mentioned time after time as a favorite sexy time soundtrack for several of you, and not just one of her especially hot songs, either. Several H.E.R. tracks got nods, making me wonder if this was some kind of weird guerrilla marketing. Give ’em a listen the next time you hop in the sack to see what the fuss is about.
FKA Twigs, Nine Inch Nails, the Weeknd, Massive Attack, Rihanna, and Bad Bunny were all common picks; some less expected responses (which I choose to believe are 100% real and not at all jokes) include: “Star Trek Next Generation 24hr engine noise,” “a 45-minute YouTube retrospective about the Super Mario Galaxy,” and “The Real Housewives of Orange County intro theme.” (Vicki, is that you?)
And I’d be remiss not to give a shout-out to the respondent who got very detailed with their music of choice and timing: “Pink by Boris. The whole album. It starts out slow and dreamy, then gets cuh-razy… my gf slipping her fingers in me right as the guitars really kicked in during ‘Farewell’ was one of the best moments of my life and one of my best sexual memories.”
We’ve compiled some of our favorite sexy song nominations into a playlist— visit thestranger.com to listen! Here are more songs that made the list:
“Every Kind of Way” by H.E.R.
“2” by H.E.R
“Focus” by H.E.R.
“Leave the Lights” on by H.E.R.
“Two Weeks” by FKA Twigs
“Bed Chem” by Sabrina Carpenter
“Breathe” by Télépopmusik
“Tent in Your Pants” by Peaches
“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails
“Picture You” by Chappell Roan
“Mommy” by Bette Lemme
“Talk Show Host” by Radiohead
WHAT’S THE SEXIEST THING YOU DID IN 2024?
Sexy is in the eyes of the beholder, as this year’s results prove. While many folks happily took their sexual adventures to a new level with more toys, more partners, or (in at least one case) a cheering audience—others say their sexiest moment didn’t have anything to do with sex at all!
Several respondents prioritized themselves in 2024—got out of bad relationships, quit toxic jobs, got sober—and are (deservedly!) feeling themselves for it. Case in point, one respondent answered, “Asexual, so the best thing I did was get to a place in my (monogamous) relationship where we don’t have sex, and we’re okay with it.”
Here are more of your sexiest moments:
“Got my wife to masturbate in front of me.”
“Inserted a hollow butt plug, crossdressed into a dress and heels and period panties, and attended a meeting while working from home.”
“I have to say… inserting porcupine quills into my partner’s penis.”
WHAT IS ONE SEX ACT YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH BEFORE YOU DIE?
Nearly 10% of respondents had some form of threesome on their bucket list. That was a big trend last year, too. I’d like to point out to all of you dreamers that more than half of our survey takers have participated in one. It’s a totally reachable goal!
Fisting or getting fisted was also popular answer this year, with some fantasies getting more specific than others—one person wants to be fisted elbow-deep, one wants to be fisted up to a bicep, and a sole brave soul wants to “get fisted so I finally prolapse and have someone rim my loose prolapsed hole.” Godspeed.
Here are more fuck-it list highlights:
“High-five during a spit roast.”
“Make someone cum by fisting them.”
“I think what I actually want is to be in a polycule!”
“I want someone to pee on me, god dammit!”
“My Ass Is On Fire” by Mr. Bungle
“Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles
“Lust” by Boy Harsher
“Nothing Left to Lose” by Everything but the Girl
“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” by Elton John
“Something” by the Beatles
“Road Head” by Japanese Breakfast
The Passion of the Christ soundtrack
“Dracula’s Wedding” by Kelis and OutKast
“Well Well Well” by Le Tigre
“Aguardiente y Limon” by Kali Uchis
“Get a giant comfy dog kennel and then have kinky puppygirl sex with a friend in it.”
“Drank a large glass of wife’s pee.”
“Boat sex on Lake Washington.”
“Gave head to someone between parked cars in the Pike Place Market garage.”
“Had sex in the Rendezvous bathroom on New Year’s Eve.”
“Bob Dylan impression at karaoke.”
“Had sex on the muddy ground on the banks of the Cedar River.”
“Bound and gagged looking out the window of the third floor of Massive.”
“Eaten out at Sea Monster Lounge.”
“Spit on a CEO.”
“Wrestled a somewhat famous OnlyFans star into submission and then fucked her and came in her at a CNC party.”
“Had queer sex for the first time! With queer people, doing queer things.”
“Had sex on the light rail after eating at La Medusa in Columbia City. Had sex from the Columbia City stop all the way to the Capitol Hill stop.”
“Hosted a cake and cunnilingus party.”
“We saw U2 at the Sphere, and I had an orgasm during ‘Mysterious Ways.’”
“Stayed alive.”
“Suspended Shibari rough sex.”
“CNC gangbang.”
“MMF!!!”
“MFM.”
“MMF & FFM”
“Being the ‘meat’ in an MMF sandwich, if you know what I mean. The middleman.”
“Being taken by a massive strap-on from behind while suspended by flesh hooks.”
“Twins!”
“Orgy.”
“Visit the femdom castle in Czechia for a prison stay.”
“Being a top in an actual studio-produced gay porn flick.”
“Can I say be in love?”
“Five-way; one for each hole, nipple, and dick.”
“Have sex with my therapist.”
“Now that you mentioned sex on a boat, that sounds pretty sick.”
“I wanna shit in somebody’s mouth, but then just leave.”
“I’d love to deep clean a lover’s bathtub, fully naked, and be fondled while I’m doing it.”
“Have an audience clap for me after having sex onstage.”
“A threesome with three of us with vulvas. No dicks allowed unless they’re silicone.”
“Full weekend as a rubber gimp in a group/ weekend getaway with my friends.”
“Fuck a famous person.”
“Does fucking Chris Evans count?”
“Be topped by two brat tamers at once.”
“Fifty man bukkake for my 50th.”
“Getting ate out while standing against a tree.”
“Sex in space! Or at least zero gravity.”
“Participate in a massively multiplayer transhumanist orgy culminating in millions of people having a simultaneous three-hour-long orgasm timed to coincide with the defeat of global fascism.”
Fucking Political
When the Government Threatens Sexual Freedom, Embrace Community Solutions
BY VIVIAN MCCALL
On July 3, 1981, the New York Times announced the coming plague with a short news item tucked into Section A, Page 20: “Rare Cancer Seen in 41 Homosexuals.”
Nobody knew the purple Kaposi’s Sarcoma lesions the article described were the mark of a virus that eviscerated the immune system and left the body vulnerable to opportunistic infections. A quote from the dermatologist Dr. Alvin E. Friedman-Kien described the outbreak as “quite devastating.”
Millions would die from what doctors first called GRID, or Gay-Related Immune Deficiency, a name that linked gayness with death. But when it became clear the mysterious illness affected people other than gay men, it was renamed AIDS, or Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome.
A French virologist discovered HIV in 1983, but the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention wouldn’t list it as the sole AIDS-causing agent for another two years. Ten more years passed before researchers
announced a breakthrough: protease inhibitors, the first truly effective HIV medication.
Patients who could tolerate the drugs astounded their doctors. Some were pulled from the brink of death. They called it the “Lazarus effect.”
AIDS arrived just 12 years after the Stonewall Uprising. Anonymity gave way to a radical vision of public parades and sexual freedom. Many felt fucking in bathhouses, bookstores, public parks, and clubs were not just revolutionary acts, but part of a revolutionary responsibility. This sentiment collided catastrophically with HIV.
The virus first consumed gay men in sexually liberated New York and San Francisco. Cases climbed exponentially in 1981, and the epidemic soon exploded. Men who seemed healthy on a Wednesday could be dead by Sunday.
Nurses and doctors were disgusted and afraid of the illness and the people who had it. They allowed patients to languish in soiled bed sheets and die alone, while bigoted visitation policies separated them from friends
and lovers. In the first story about AIDS to air on a major television network, 27-year-old Ken Ramsauer told Geraldo Rivera that he heard nurses’ aides outside his hospital room speculating “how long the faggot in 208 is going to last.” Ramsauer died four days later.
The explanation for why young, healthy gay men were dying was years away. With little outside help, the community devised its own solutions, including a brand new idea called safe sex.
Dr. Joseph Sonnabend recommended a biopsy the day he discovered swollen glands all over Richard Berkowitz’s body. Berkowitz, who’d left grad school for a more lucrative gig as a sadomasochistic master to suburban men, didn’t take his doctor’s advice until learning another hustler had died. Berkowitz soon yanked his ads from the Advocate, a national gay magazine, and cut his business line.
When Dr. Sonnabend, who had already suspected the coming epidemic, fingered similarly hard lymph nodes on Michael Callen’s neck, he weighed his favorite pa -
tient’s promiscuity against his likelihood of musical success, and told him to leave New York, prompting an angry reaction. Callen, after a phone call from an apologetic Sonnabend, agreed to donate a small blood sample for Sonnabend’s study of gay men of a similar profile: swollen glands, a history of STIs, and no lesions. Tests revealed a compromised immune system. Callen called home and told his parents he’d be dead of cancer in six months.
Dr. Sonnabend eventually connected his two patients, who shared a desire to spread the word and a belief in their doctor’s “multifactorial” theory of AIDS. Sonnabend theorized repeated exposure to STIs and human cytomegaloviruses, which cause chickenpox, herpes, and mono, better explained the total immune collapse than the emergence of a new virus (the then-unknown HIV). He saw sexual liberation as enabling this death by one thousand cuts. Callen and Berkowitz concluded gay men did not know the possible danger of sex. Feeling a responsibility to sound the
Demonstrators march down Fifth Avenue, past St. Patrick's Cathedral, on June 29, 1986.
alarm, they published “We Know Who We Are” in the New York Native, a gay newspaper in Greenwich Village. Warning readers against sex in bathhouses, they wrote, “What ten years ago was viewed as a healthy reaction to a sex-negative culture now threatens to destroy the very fabric of urban gay male life … the obvious and immediate solution to the present crisis is the end of urban gay male promiscuity as we know it today.”
The backlash was instant and scathing. As author and former Native staff writer David France wrote in his 2016 book How to Survive a Plague, the men were called “sex-negative hysterics” and “self-flagellators” in the paper’s subsequent editions. Articles in the Village Voice denounced them. An editorial printed in a Toronto gay paper accused them of spinning 200 diagnoses of “GRID” into a crisis, pointing out that twice as many gay men had died in traffic accidents in the same time period. Callen and Berkowitz were, of course, right—AIDS was sexually transmitted and gravely serious—but sometimes it’s not what you say, but how you say it.
The inspiration for one of the earliest safe sex guides for gay men came with a bang at Berkowitz’s door. A former client had driven from Connecticut in a frenzy to ask if Berkowitz was okay. Berkowitz, who explained what AIDS was, expected the man to freak out. Instead, he asked if Berkowitz would put on his leather and boots while he jerked off.
“I was in shock!” Berkowitz told The Stranger in a phone call last month.
As a sex worker, Berkowitz could imagine a more expansive sexual world, where sex could take many forms. His client reminded Berkowitz safety and enjoyment were not mutually exclusive concepts: “It was an education to me to see how many different ways there were for men to get sexual pleasure that had been haunting them, that they were craving for, where they can access it and pay for it and not be ashamed of it.”
With help from Dr. Sonnabend, Berkowitz and Callen started work on a booklet they called How to Have Sex in an Epidemic: One Approach, published in 1983. Dr. Sonnabend insisted the booklet begin with a scientific rationale for gay men to alter their sexual behavior. Callen and Berkowitz followed that explanation with practical advice.
While the science is dated, the nonjudgmental, sex-positive tone is contemporary.
People would continue having sex regardless, so they encouraged readers to treat their partners with love (even for a night) and their own health as precious. The guidance met people where they were at.
For instance, Sonnabend noticed his patients who were bottoms who liked being fucked were more likely to get sick. The authors advised readers on the risks of receptive anal sex. They acknowledged that some gay men were defensive about these warn-
Michael Callen speaking at an AIDS symposium in 1992.
BERT VERHOEF/AFP VIA GETTY IMAGES
henryart.org
ings because of homophobic stereotypes. (“Remember that the issue is disease— not sex,” they wrote.) They explained that sperm could carry a virus and infectious agents can easily penetrate the rectal lining. Providing a condom to your partner was the best way to stay safe, they advised. For tops who couldn’t adjust, they suggested another compromise: “Let your partner fuck you without a rubber and make sure that he either pulls out or puts a rubber on before he cums.” How to Have Sex in an Epidemic provided similarly frank guidance on ethics and responsibility, selecting partners, washing up before sex, buying and selling sex, blowjobs, fist fucking, no-risk methods like mutual masturbation and fingering, dildos, and S&M. They addressed the reality that men with AIDS were having sex:
ican cities. (The Sisters also added “guilt” to this list, “SYMPTOMS APPEAR: 2 to 3 years of age and persist in many cases throughout one’s life.)
Donald Trump’s administration is hostile to public health and bodily autonomy. Just weeks into his term, he’s already threatening HIV medications for people outside the US.
“AIDS patients are human beings and need affection and human contact. AIDS patients object to being treated like lepers and some end up taking this anger and frustration out to the baths and backrooms. The issue of AIDS patients having sex must be viewed from two perspectives: the risk to the patient and the potential risk to the partner.”
France, author of How to Survive a Plague, remembers the booklet changing the culture in New York City nearly overnight.
“It was night and day,” he said. “It didn’t just give you the rules of things to not do, but it said, ‘This is how we can build a life’ in this incredibly dark time.”
Unbeknownst to Callen and Berkowitz, a protesting band of nun habit wearing drag queens in San Francisco called the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence came to the same conclusions about safe sex and condom use the year before.
The Sisters’ 1982 zine “Play Fair!”— black, white, and pink and illustrated with comic nuns—introduced readers to STIs like syphilis, herpes, hepatitis, and intestinal parasites, as well as Kaposi’s Sarcoma and pneumocystis pneumonia, two symptoms of the “severe problems with immune systems” arising for gay men in large Amer-
It’s possible that one booklet written by two AIDS patients and their doctor, and another written by drag queens, saved thousands of lives, and that their influence is still felt in every bowl of condoms in a gay bar or health clinic in America. (Moreover, we have a guy from Connecticut with a leather kink to thank). The concept of sexual harm reduction influenced mainstream medicine. While scientists cracked the biomedical puzzle of HIV, AIDS still kills. Even as researchers develop evermore effective HIV treatments, including injections that can replace months of daily pills, advancements are meaningless without access. Basic human problems of poverty, homelessness, and convoluted healthcare systems have stymied efforts to end the pandemic. (Such a thing is possible. In 1980, the World Health Organization eradicated smallpox, one of the most deadly illnesses in human history, through vaccination).
Donald Trump’s administration is radically hostile to public health and bodily autonomy. Just weeks into his term, he’s already threatening HIV medications for people outside the US. Trump through PEPFAR, which supplies HIV medication to 20 million people in poor countries. Stopping these medications can eventually kill or lead to the emergence of drug-resistant strains. Through executive order, Trump withdrew the US from the WHO, ending decades of our international collaboration on healthcare. A gag on health agencies ability to communicate with the public, the possible freeze on federal grants, the anticipated cuts to programs that do not align with Trump’s ideological priorities, and (as of publication time) possible Senate confirmation of vaccine skeptic Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to lead the nation’s healthcare system, are all worrying signs that this ad-
A member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence marching in the 30th annual New York City Drag March in 2024.
ERIK MCGREGOR/LIGHTROCKET
ministration is a threat to accurate health information and equitable access to healthcare services. That’s true for straight people as well. Trump revoked Biden’s executive orders that directed the federal government to protect access to abortion.
For queer Americans who grew up in an era of widely available, government-subsidized drugs to prevent and treat HIV infections, waiting for a treatment that may never come as friends, lovers, and gay rights pioneers sickened and died is nearly unfathomable. People lived for years without knowing HIV caused AIDS. They lived 15 years without a truly effective drug, by which time the virus had killed at least 343,000 people in the US.
We should take lessons from the early AIDS activists who took matters into their own hands. For years, community response kept people safe. Alive.
For much of that time, gay people still lacked many fundamental rights and contended with federal and local government officials indifferent to their suffering. Sodomy was still illegal in many states, and public opinion was not with gays. The Christian right saw gays as physically and spiritually contaminated, and AIDS as biblical justice.
Still, people with AIDS gave the last weeks, months, and years of their lives working toward a future they might not see for people they would never meet. Their political courage was rewarded with one brighter than many could have imagined—for a time—but look where we are today.
We should take lessons from the early AIDS activists who took matters into their own hands. The story of AIDS, and gay rights, is often told as David slew Goliath,
that gay rights triumphed over bigotry and brought the government and its institu tions to a heel. But for years, community response kept people safe. Alive. We now face the possibility of the government aban doning an even wider swath of the popula tion. We’ve taken responsibility for our care before, and it worked. But it is not 1981. We need to decide what that looks like in 2025, keeping key lessons in mind:
Progress is not linear, political victories are not final, and territory, once claimed, must be vigorously defended. Who you are can decide whether the government helps you, or potentially hurts you. When systems fail, help the people around you. Passivity and inaction are non-options. Small actions can be meaningful, even the smallest ges tures, or simply occupying space.
Sister Roma joined the Sisters of Perpetu al Indulgence in 1987 after a chance encoun ter at Midnight Sun, a bar in the Castro. In walked a character who looked like a show girl nun. Gregarious, flirtatious, and smiling, Sister Luscious Lashes ordered a drink from a bartender she clearly knew. Roma thought she hadn’t seen anything like her when she walked over and called Roma by her “boy name,” which she never uses anymore. This nun was her good friend Norman Schrader.
Sister Roma was ushered quickly into the order, and fell in love. Looking back to her years in San Francisco before the Sisters, Roma said she acted like she was in a “gay candy store,” where life revolved around partying and boys.
“I must have been insufferable,” she says. “But when I met the Sisters, it was like my head exploded. I was like, ‘Oh my God, I about my civil rights. I care about my com munity. I want to help people’ Even though I was raised sort of Catholic and went to a Catholic college, never was I raised to have any kind of spirituality or be of service until I met these crazy fucking drag queen nuns.” Schrader later died. But Roma and other Sisters continued patrolling the Castro, put ting condoms in the hands of strangers in bars. They sought sick people, hunched over cocktails in the dark, and engaged them in conversation. Sometimes these men would ask for hugs. The Sisters always said yes.
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence’s Play Fair! zine from 1982.
Sister Roma of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence marching in the 53rd Annual San Francisco Pride Parade and Celebration in 2023.
MIIKKA SKAFFARI/GETTY IMAGES
Tree My Valentine
BY NATHALIE ANTHER
PHOTOS BY BILLIE WINTER
The days are short, and all of our horoscopes are screaming at us. Institutions are crumbling, LGBTQ+ communities are under attack, our political leaders are feckless, and the future is scary and uncertain. In times of anguish, we turn to the natural world for comfort. What we know for sure is that nature is eternal, nature is sexy, and nature is queer. The natural world sustains all life, is psychologically healing, and horny as hell. It is well known (largely thanks to Charles Mudede and Matt Baume’s tireless reporting) that Seattle has the most fuckable trees of any major metropolitan area. With the help of local expert Taha Ebrahimi—author of Street Trees of Seattle —we found some sultry cedars, some flirtatious firs, and some delicious deciduous trees that will give anyone of any gender wood for days. So put on your favorite ASMR or Dipsea and let the PNW whisper sweet nothings to you as you walk along the city streets lined with their photosynthesized erotic forms. ■
ABOVE
Hole Come. Lay your head in my lap and drink in the sap-smeared earth—or scream. A bigleaf maple on 17th Avenue & East Howell Street to drown your sorrows and help you forget your troubles.
RIGHT
Bouba Booty? Titty? Both? London planes have got the curves that keep us blushing. Why choose between one set of ass and tits when you can have as many as you’d like? At East Republican and Belmont Avenue—or any London plane tree around Seattle, for that matter—you can find tits out, cheeks out contours of all sizes!
Let Your Imagination Run Wild The plant world is not held back by convention, and the Hollywood juniper at East Roy and 16th Street is a prime example of nature’s unconstrained erotic expression. Limbs wrap around one another in every direction. Phallic and yonic forms blend and undulate—at once penetrating and engulfing—ebbing like waves yet emerging, strong, firm, immovable, and irresistible. Don’t let preconceived notions of what sex should look like hold you back from your desires. Just like a tree’s lust for sunlight makes it swell up from its roots, we are continuously growing into our tender and loved erotic selves. So if you ever need permission to unleash your deep seeded desires, trees will always remind us how utterly horny all Earth’s creatures can be.
Tidy and Landscaped We love some tangles around a happy hole. Run your fingers over some springy moss and feel intimate with the earth and its tender organisms. Moss seeks moisture, so it’s an unsurprising feature to find amidst the curves and crevices of Pacific Northwest trees. At 16th Avenue East and East Roy Street, two more London planes flaunt their curves.
Ripples of Ecstasy At West Queen Anne Playfield, we see the signs of growth and life. Our bodies are a record of our past, and plants are no different. We are our experiences, but we are also the stories we tell ourselves. Treat all living things with care and tenderness, and you’ll find the sensuality of your world blossom and fill you with a deep spiritual connection, from leaf to root. We are a part of nature, and nature is part of us.
ABOVE
Trees Appreciate Your Gentle Touch Tactile, inviting, wrap your hands around some bark and see how it makes you feel. We met this birch on East John Street and 16th Avenue East, and she likes showing off.
LEFT
That’s a Penis Sometimes you need to throw subtlety by the wayside. This robust vascular member can be found at North 80th Street and Stoud Avenue North and gives eastbound drivers on North 80th a full frontal flash of its girthy bough. This western red cedar has nothing to hide and will continue to make commuters blush for the foreseeable future.
The Women of David Lynch
Lynch Made Visceral, Beautiful Films About Women in Danger—and Kept the Harm Onscreen
BY MEGAN BURBANK
Like all of the internet’s weird little film guys (gender-neutral), I was surprised by how sad I felt when I found out David Lynch had died. But as I went about my day thinking of almost nothing else, it made me feel better to read loving remembrances from women he’d worked with. I’ve always been struck by Lynch’s ability to depict genuinely horrifying onscreen violence and abjection involving women characters while showing nothing but support and kindness for the real women involved.
“He put me on the map,” wrote Naomi Watts of Lynch on Instagram. “The world I’d been trying to break into for 10-plus years, flunking auditions left and right. Finally, I sat in front of a curious man, beaming with light, speaking words from another era, making me laugh and feel at ease. How did he even ‘see me’ when I was so well hidden, and I’d even lost sight of myself.” (She signed off as “Buttercup.” Lynch gave his actors a lot of cute little nicknames; Kyle McLachlan was Kale, and Laura Dern was Tidbit.)
Lynch’s ability to see Watts would be an inflection point in her career. She would go on to play the complex dual role of Betty Elms and Diane Selwyn in Mulholland Drive , one of Lynch’s masterpieces. Mulholland Drive also happens to be one of the scariest movies ever made, both in terms of jump scares (the monster behind Winkie’s lives on in my nightmares years after watch-
ing it!) and the depths of human abjection and Hollywood misogyny it’s willing to explore. One of Watts’s best acting moments in the movie happens to involve the most depressing scene of female masturbation ever committed to film.
There are a lot of ways Lynch’s execution of his creative visions could have gone wrong. Look no further than a filmmaker like Bernardo Bertolucci, who gave actor Maria Schneider a cursory warning in advance of a graphic, unscripted simulated rape scene with Marlon Brando in Last Tango in Paris , a scene that she later said captured real surprise and violation rather than acting.
Lynch was different. His films did require actors to play out some truly horrifying material. (See: most of the scenes involving Frank Booth’s nonconsensual mommy kink in Blue Velvet.) But unlike a manipulative Bertolucci, Lynch trusted his actors to act. They were able to plumb the depths of human depravity because they were actually safe. Watts’s devolution in Mulholland Drive and Sheryl Lee’s prolonged suffering as Laura Palmer on Twin Peaks and in its movie prequel Fire Walk with Me are heartbreaking, but they’re
the work of skilled actors doing their jobs. The horror is palpable, and all the more miraculous for not being real.
It’s also clear that their characters’ suffering isn’t being used simply to shock viewers. Lynch frames their stories in a way that humanizes the women at the center, which is what makes him so difficult to emulate; without this sense of care paired, it’s easy to make something exploitative or just bad.
I fell in love with Lynch’s maximalist ability to capture both the best and worst parts of being alive.
But Lynch depicts harm with the emotional intensity it requires. In the universe of Twin Peaks , the impact of Laura Palmer’s suffering is framed on a mythological scale. One teenage girl’s ongoing abuse is so incomprehensible and unacceptable that it requires a supernatural explanation. I have always considered this beautiful: Lesser directors would see Laura’s rape as a plot point, an edgy choice. For Lynch, it’s the end of all the good in the world.
I have always loved Lynch’s legible and extreme empathy for women like Laura and Watts’s Betty/Diane, how clearly offered. In real life, victims of sexual assault and other forms of misogyny are often disbelieved or marginalized. In the mythology of Twin
Peaks, Laura’s suffering is not only acknowledged and recognized as harm on a surreal scale but she herself is framed as a force of strength and goodness. In Fire Walk with Me , Lynch sends Laura Palmer an angel. The angel appears in the film’s cathartic apotheosis (spoilers for a movie that came out in 1992) as a sign that Laura has ascended to the mythical White Lodge, where she can finally be free of her pain.
The first time I saw Twin Peaks —on rented DVDs from Scarecrow Video, the pilot episode missing for arcane copyright reasons—it didn’t draw me in immediately, even if something about it felt true to the Pacific Northwest in a way I’d never seen represented before on TV. I laughed at the fish in the percolator and was charmed by the lonesome foghorn, but that was about it.
But as I got older and saw how frightening the world could sometimes be, how many Laura Palmers there really are out there, I fell in love with Lynch’s humanizing frame for survivors of sexual violence, his inventive dream logic, his maximalist ability to capture so vividly both the best and worst parts of being alive: the cups of wonderful coffee and the violent logger husbands, the roses against blue sky and white picket fences and the severed ears in the grass.
The night after Lynch died, KUOW played Angelo Badalamenti’s theme for Laura Palmer from Twin Peaks as bed music between shows. And as I wrote this column, the coffee shop around me buzzed with chatter about David Lynch’s movies: Inland Empire, Blue Velvet, Lost Highway. For a moment, it was as if we all had a line out to the White Lodge, that place between worlds. Unlike the terrifying Black Lodge, the White Lodge is a place of refuge and beauty. It’s also mysterious, like everything in the world of Lynch. We never quite see the whole picture. Perhaps Lynch is seeing it now. If so, I hope there’s endless good coffee.
And I hope more artists will see what I see in Lynch: the possibility of being uncompromising in your vision without compromising your collaborators’ humanity. That duality may be one of the reasons so many of us feel so sad that Lynch is gone. Playing Diane Selwyn could’ve been traumatic for Naomi Watts; instead, Lynch helped the actor see her own genius at a time when she couldn’t see it on her own. And when he lifts up the humanity of a character like Laura Palmer, it can make it a little easier to see it in ourselves.
The Beacon is celebrating David Lynch’s work with David Lynch: A Remembrance Both Wonderful and Strange, an exclusive collage of “interviews, oddities, documentary pieces, short films, music videos, rarities, and secret mysteries,” through February 9. ■
EVERETT COLLECTION
David Lynch and Naomi Watts filming 2001’s Mulholland Drive
Eat Your Heart Out
Our Flowchart Will Show You the Way to the Most Delicious Valentine’s Day (Just Remember to Fuck First)
BY JULIANNE BELL
SStart!
Who’s your Valentine?
Me, myself, and I, and I am not ashamed.
electing the right Valentine’s Day date night restaurant can be tricky. Whether you’re single, have just started seeing someone, or have been hitched for eons, our handy flowchart will guide you to the perfect experience. Just remember, as Dan Savage (page 42) has advised a thousand times over, fuck first. Because all these tasty food and drink options will likely leave you feeling stuffed and sugar-drunk.
There’s a special someone in the picture.
We’re madly in love! We finish each other’s sandwiches!
What are you craving right now?
Give me chocolate ganache and a spoon immediately!
Coyle’s Bakeshop
If you have a sweet tooth and are looking for a more laidback (but nonetheless enchanting) celebration that doesn’t require reservations, Coyle’s Bakeshop in Greenwood has you covered: On February 14, they’ll reopen from 4–7 pm for their annual Valentine’s Dessert Night, which will include some of their fanciest treats, such as macarons, Campari citrus fruit tarts, Paris-Brests, and their coveted coconut caramel chiffon cake, along with sparkling wine and their regular coffee and beverage menu. Linger in the intimate dining room or take your baked goods home.
How are things going in your relationship?
AntiquesRoadshow and chill.
Something crunchy and salty like dill pickle chips and all the cheese in the world.
Stevie’s Famous
Is melted cheese your love language? Then look no further than cult favorite pizza parlor Stevie’s Famous, which debuted in Burien in 2022 and opened a location inside Beacon Hill’s Clock-Out Lounge last year. Pop a Lactaid— romantic!—and prepare to swoon over the naturally leavened Normie MacDonald, a tomato-based pie laden with aged mozzarella, crispy-edged coppa, hot honey, and grana and dotted with burrata. That’s amoré! (The tangy chop salad and house-made ice creams are also very good.)
Paddleboarding Green Lake followed by acro-yoga with our 12-person polycule.
What’s your weekend vibe as a couple?
Bizzarro
Wallingford’s quirky Italian gem, which has been in business since 1986, is as beloved for its whimsical decor as it is for signature dishes like elk bolognese, clam linguini, and the Forest Floor Frenzy, composed of ribbons of house-made pappardelle swimming in a sherry cream sauce with foraged walnuts and mushrooms. Eccentric details like life-sized skeletons and vintage bicycles dangling from the ceiling will make you feel like you’re eating on a rom-com movie set.
It’s early—we’re just feeling things out.
What song tops your make-out playlist?
Korochka Tavern
Wine, dine, and 69 your Valentine at this cozy Eastern European tavern in Wallingford. If you’re in the trenches of cuffing season, this is your spot: The dim lighting is flattering, and the whole vibe is classy without seeming like you’re trying too hard. Choose from a wide selection of beer and cocktails—the Lenin Drop, featuring their bright purple housemade beet vodka is especially pretty—and snack on a plate of colorful pickles and chicken-and-pork pelmeni with your paramour.
Sophon
If you really want to wow your date, take them to Karuna Long’s Phinney Ridge restaurant Sophon, which draws from Long’s Khmer heritage, and just nabbed a 2025 James Beard Award nomination for Best New Bar. The soft glow of flickering candles and hanging rattan lamps make for a sexy vibe, and bar manager Dakota Etley’s Cambodian-inspired cocktail menu— which incorporates unique ingredients like Brie fat-washed rye, fish sauce, and kampot pepper—is sure to impress. Flirt while sharing a plate of kha sach chrouk (rich pork belly braised in tamari-coconut milk with pickled shallots, sweet onions, bamboo strips, and marinated egg) or fried oyster mushroom “khmeraage.”
“Bed Chem” by Sabrina Carpenter. “No Ordinary Love” by Sade.
Love Is in the Air And it Smells Like Weed
BY CHRISTIAN PARROCO
PHOTOS BY BILLIE WINTER
You might be surprised to hear this, but next to 4/20 and Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day is one of the more popular holidays for cannabis shoppers. And why shouldn’t it be? Flowers and chocolate are a must, but nobody said the flowers had to go in a vase! If you’re in the weeds about what to do for Cupid’s Day or green to the notion of pot as a present, here are some foolproof suggestions—from strains to lube—that are bound to elevate your V-Day experience.
STRAIN
Love by Fifty Fold
Fifty Fold’s Love is a cross between Limoncello 28 and Jealousy, two hybrid strains I’ve found to give a sort of giggly, euphoric high before mellowing out into a calming sensation without ever making me too couchlocked or trapped in my brain. In fact, I find I usually won’t shut up when I’m smoking this strain. Flavor-wise, think citrusy (duh) with a hint of sweet birthday cake. The mistake a lot of people make when trying to mix can-
nabis with activities is that they end up going too heavy on the strain and smoking too much too early, resulting in a snoozefest far before the night is over. Remember, tonight is about using cannabis to enhance your ex-
Want your edible to hit faster? Let it melt under your tongue.
perience, not replace it. Pace yourself, and this strain will carry you through the phases of the evening, from first bowl to dinner to dessert. (And hopefully some, ahem, dessert after that—wink wink.) This is in no way medical advice, but I have found this strain to boost my libido and lower my inhibitions in bed. And with a name like Love, it’s perfect for the occasion. If you can’t find Love, try one of these strains instead: Jealousy, Lumpy Space Princess, or Dole Whip
Don’t have a Valentine? These strains are just as well suited for staying home all night playing video games and munching down. Heavy emphasis on the munching.
JOINT
SoulShine Narnia Luv Struck Infused Rose Petal Joints
I used to work in a dispensary, so I can tell you for a fact that people go searching specifically for these petal-covered joints in preparation for Valentine’s Day so if you’re trying to be romantic and get your partner a dozen, make sure you stock up ahead of time. (I recommend using SoulShine’s online tracker to find which dispensaries are currently carrying them.) The joint itself is pretty self-explanatory and is more about the aesthetic of smoking out of a rose petal than anything else. They can be a little harsh—you’re smoking flower out of a flower—so keep a glass of water nearby and maybe keep an eye on those printed processing dates so you can pick a product that hasn’t been sitting around for months. No one likes
dusty joints. That said, the experience of receiving a bouquet of rose joints far outweighs the sometimes less-than-optimal smoking experience. Of the different strains available, I recommend staying away from the heavy indicas and going with Narnia, another energetic euphoric high, perfect for spending a couple of hours on the town. Do be careful, though; Narnia can go from being giggly euphoric to being a little bit of a spacy, deer-in-headlights high if you overdo it. Everything in moderation.
EDIBLE
Sea Salt Dark Chocolates by 4.20 Bar Did somebody say CHOCOLATE?! Your Valentine’s Day gift just isn’t complete without something sweet. My recommendation? Grab the Minis Sea Salt Dark Chocolates from 4.20 Bar. I’ve had a lot of edibles in my day, and 4.20’s Minis are the perfect combination of flavor, effectiveness, and price point. Want to feel your edible hit faster? Let it melt under your tongue—absorbing the THC sublingually allows it to enter the
The author doing his research.
bloodstream faster, sort of bypassing the digestive system. Just be careful—these really do look and taste just like gourmet chocolates, so make sure you don’t accidentally eat a bunch while you’re feeling snacky.
TOPICAL
Heylotion Body Budder
Few things are more intimate than giving or receiving a massage, and now you can rub your partner down with this infused Body Budder from Heylo. Two of the hardest elements for topical producers to dial in on are scent and consistency. Nobody wants a massage balm that’s liquidy and smells like medicine, no matter how effective of a topical it is. (Except you, Dragon Balm. We expect that smell from you.) Heylo solved both of these issues with their body budder, which is all organic and made of ingredients that I don’t mind putting on or in my body— avocado oil, pure CO2 cannabis extract, shea butter, beeswax, vitamin E oil, and lavender, eucalyptus, and peppermint essential oils. Go grab a bottle and get your massage on.
LUBE
Fairwinds O Intimate Lubricant
Assuming your massage goes well, you may want to start introducing the birds to the bees. And guess what, we live in 2025 now, so even your lube has weed in it. There are a bunch of brands of infused lubricant on the market, but Fairwinds O Lube is the one I have some experience with. Let me get this out of the way right now: No, this lube will not get you high. For those with penises and buttholes, it mostly provides sort of a warming but numbing sensation, and that’s about it. But I’ve been told that it can be a totally different experience for those with clitorises. The extra nerve endings in the clit really create a playground for the cannabinoids in the lube, and can induce what’s been described to me as a “playful tingling sensation.” Infused lube can be a fun addition to the bedroom, but make sure if you’re using condoms that you don’t buy any lube (infused or not) that is oil-based, as this will increase the chance of condom breakage and Scorpio babies. (Also romantic: Check out ways you can aid and abet abortion on page TK.) Fairwinds is a silicon-based lubricant, which makes it both condom-safe and a more pleasing consistency than water-based lubes. ■
Fairwinds O Intimate Lubricant
Minis Sea Salt Dark Chocolates by 4.20 Bar
Heylotion Body Budder
Dear Hendrix Always Shoot Your Shot, Even in a Funeral Home
BY EVA WALKER
Dear Hendrix,
One day you’ll be allowed to leave the house on your own for a date, and when you do—at age 40—you’ll find that there are many interesting ways of meeting someone new. People meet potential prospects in all sorts of places: supermarkets, dog parks, the gym, bars, and even church. But sometimes, the sparks will hit you at the most awkward and peculiar moments. Like over a dead body. In 2015, two years before I met your dad, your grandma’s first cousin died in his sleep. Although he was in his eighties, it was very sudden and a shock to all of us. My phone rang that early November morning (by the way, I HATE November, but that’s for another letter), and it was his granddaughter calling to tell me he hadn’t woken up. As she cried on the phone, I drove straight over to his house to see if I could be of assistance. When I arrived, I saw him lying there, lifeless and pale. We called the funeral home to set up arrangements, and as we waited for them to arrive, I volunteered to sit in the room with the body, as no one wanted to leave it unattended (not sure why). I started humming my usual haunting gospel spirituals: “You better get ready for judgment morning!” I’m a gospel-loving atheist and damn proud.
Not long after the third or so spiritual, the funeral home employees—all dressed in their snazzy yet macabre black suits— walked in, routinely yet respectfully. There was one who stood out immediately: He had dark black framed glasses and dark brown slicked-back hair. I stood up and introduced myself. Let’s call him Denzel. Denzel gave me a big smile and introduced himself immediately. The first thing Denzel said was, “We will need to move all of this stuff off the bed before we can take the body.” I was smitten and said gleefully, “I’ll move this stuff away, no problem!” So I started picking up papers and old mail. As I cleaned, I asked, “So, what kind of music do you guys like?” I really don’t remember what answers they gave, but it turned out Denzel had played some music himself and was stoked to hear I, too, was a musician. And my dark bizarro-self was weirdly stoked he was in the field of funeraling. (Is “funeraling” a word?)
After we removed clutter from the bed, all that remained were ruffled sunset-colored sheets and a pale, stiff body. Denzel began to forcefully push down the arm of the deceased (it was bent upward when he passed away). “Why are you pushing down on his arm?” I asked. “I have to straighten his arm out, and the rigor mortis just kicked in,” Denzel said. I asked, flirty and curiously, “Rigor mortis? What’s that?” He replied with a gentle grin, “It’s the stiffening of muscles after death.” Me, still flirting, “Oh really? Wow, that’s interesting.”
I felt the flirting coming back at me from
Denzel. Since the feeling was mutual, I felt less worried about the fact that this was happening with a dead body in the room. It took a few minutes, but Denzel eventually got that arm straightened out, and now it was time to wrap the body up, which they went ahead and used the bed sheet to do. Now I had never seen anything like that before, and I see why
I was shocked. Not only did he remember my name, but I was the talk of the funeral home!
immediate family members probably don’t want to be in the room because it would be too hard to see. But as I watched, and flirted and watched and flirted—I know there’s a special place in Hell for me—they finally had him all packed up on the cart and ready to take to the funeral home for preparations. I wasn’t brave enough to exchange phone numbers with Denzel there; that would have been taking it a little too far. (I know what you’re thinking; stop judging me.)
The service took place about a week or so later at the funeral home, and I was hoping Denzel would be there—I had no other way of contacting him. Friends and family arrived wearing their black outfits and sad faces, and I, while indeed mourning, was on a secret mission to find Denzel. We were
greeted by the lead funeral director and another employee who guided us to the main room where the casket was and where the service was going to take place. As people headed toward the chapel, I went to one of the workers and casually asked, “Hey do you know if Denzel happens to be here?” The employee’s eyes brightened, and he excitedly responded, “Oh! You must be Eva! Stay here, I’ll go get him!” I was shocked. Not only did Denzel remember my name, but I was the talk of the funeral home!
Minutes later, Denzel ran up the stairs and out the door, adjusting his suit jacket with a big smile. As the service began and people shared stories and memories, I was in charge of the slide show. Of course, I pretended not to be very proficient with a typical computer, so Denzel would have to help me as much as possible. It worked. Toward the end of the service, Denzel and I sat in the back of the venue, and I asked all sorts of curious questions about the embalming process: “What does the body look like after you drain all the blood out?” and “Do the bodies ever make weird noises or move?” Questions I realize now he’s asked a thousand times, but he thought my curiosity was adorable and was glad to answer them. It was a very nice and enlightening conversation. If you have any questions about what happens to a body at a funeral home, Henny, I might actually be able to answer them for you.
After the service, I invited Denzel to a latenight burlesque performance I was doing at a basement venue in Capitol Hill (also a story for another letter someday), and right
then and there, we finally exchanged phone numbers. I gave him the details for the performance, and he proceeded to say, “Okay, I’ll be there. But you should know I’m on call. So if someone dies during your performance, I’ll have to go to pick up a body.” “That’s a really good reason,” I said.
Our short time dating was like any other brief relationship, and he ended up moving to California to pursue screenwriting in film and we eventually fell out of contact. Years later, Denzel texted me asking if I wanted to meet up. I had to text him the news that I was happily married since the last time we talked but it was good to hear from him.
You meet people in the oddest places sometimes, and usually, it makes for a great memory, an important lesson, or simply just a good story you can share with people to slightly creep them out during Thanksgiving. Hendrix, when it’s my time to go, and you have to make the dreadful call for my body to be picked up, just remember this story. Because if that mortician, funeral director, mortuary transporter, whatever title they have, walks in the room and you see something you like, don’t let my expired meat suit prevent you from shooting your shot. ■
Eva Walker is a writer, a KEXP DJ, one-half of the rock duo the Black Tones, and mom to her baby girl, Hendrix. She also co-wrote the book The Sound of Seattle: 101 Songs That Shaped a City, which was released in 2024. Every month for The Stranger, she writes a letter to Hendrix to share wisdom learned from her experiences—and her mistakes.
OLIVIA FIELDS
Savage Love
BY DAN SAVAGE
The Counterfeit
almost as much damage to their marriage as the affair with her hot male intern.
I think seeing Babygirl might inspire you to level with your boyfriend now, FAKER, instead of waiting until you’ve been together (and faking it) for 20 years.
I am a 30-year-old cishet woman. I have been dating this guy for about six months, and he is perfect. I love everything about him, and I feel like we have great sex. The caveat is that I have never had an orgasm during sex with him and consistently fake them. I have always had a very challenging time achieving orgasm with partners, whether male or female. As it turns out, the thing he loves most about sex is when his partner starts getting loud right before or during her orgasm. It is almost always the thing that makes him come. So, I started faking orgasms when we first started dating and hoped that things would change as we got to know each other’s bodies. Now, six months later, I’m still not having orgasms—which, again, is not unusual for me during partnered sex—so I’ve kept faking it. The few times where I haven’t faked it, he can still come, but he really ruminates on it. It’s very clear that he doesn’t have as much fun, which, for me, spoils the whole experience. The lie is weighing on me. I can see myself marrying this guy, but I just can’t get past the question: Am I going to be faking orgasms for 40 years?
Future About Keeping Everything Real
There are two things I want you to do, FAKER: First, go see Babygirl (alone) and then watch some gay porn with your boyfriend.
Zooming out for a second…
I’ve advised partnered women who wanted to stop faking orgasms to start faking something else: getting close. After a few months of getting fake close instead of fake there, a woman can say to her boyfriend or husband: “Something changed with my body when I hit [insert current age], and it’s made my orgasms harder to achieve, so it looks like we’re going to have to experiment with some new things to get me there!”
That’s a lie, but it’s a defensible one.
Now, let the record show that I believe “I’ve been faking it” is something a man should be able to hear without falling apart. So, while lies are generally bad, I would argue that there’s a difference between a wholly self-serving lie meant to deceive, and a partly self-serving lie meant to spare.
But your issue is a different, FAKER. Your partner sulks when you don’t fake an orgasm, which puts you under additional pressure.
Reading your letter made me think of Romy, the powerful CEO played by Nicole Kidman in Babygirl. The film opens on Romy (Kidman) having sex with her husband Jacob (Antonio Banderas). It looks like Romy is having an orgasm—it looks like Romy and Jacob are coming at the same time—but then we see Romy slip down the hall and into her home office, where she masturbates herself to orgasm while watching porn. The real orgasm we watch Romy have by herself (primal, grunting, animalistic) looks and sounds nothing like the fake orgasm we watched Romy perform for her husband. Later in the film (spoiler!), Jacob is devastated to learn Romy has been faking orgasms the entire time they’ve been together; that revelation does
As for your boyfriend’s issue, you need to google “copulatory vocalizations,” share a few articles about it with your boyfriend, and then sit down to watch some gay porn together.
Copulatory vocalizations are the noises female primates make during sex; sometimes they make these sounds because they’re climaxing, sometimes they make these sounds because they’re trying to attract other mates, and sometimes they make these sounds because they push male primates over the edge. (Sometimes, it’s all of the above.)
What your boyfriend needs is not your orgasms, FAKER, it’s your copulatory vocalizations. And this is where gay porn comes in.
I’ve encouraged opposite-sex couples who wanna have simultaneous orgasms during PIV to watch gay porn and pay close attention to what the bottoms are doing in scenes where the top and bottom come at the same time: the bottoms are stroking themselves and communicating—verbally and non-verbally— with their tops as both approach orgasm. So, straight men who want their girlfriends or wives to come at the same time they do during PIV need to stimulate their partners’ clits and/ or encourage their partners to stimulate their own clits during PIV. And both partners need to communicate as they’re getting close.
Like the power bottoms in gay porn, FAKER, you should be able moan and groan and shout encouragement to your boyfriend without having to pretend you’re coming. You have to make your boyfriend understand that your copulatory vocalizations are signals of your sexual pleasure and (sigh) his sexual prowess, and you’re loving it just as much as, say, a locked gay bottom enjoys having his ass fucked.
If your boyfriend can wrap his head around why women sometimes fake orgasms, your boyfriend should be able to wrap his head around the fact that you’re already giving him everything he needs in the runup to his orgasm; even if he can’t make you come during PIV, he can make you howl. And finally, he needs to accept—he needs to internalize—that sincerely meant/felt/ howled copulatory vocalizations are better than faked orgasms. ■
JOE NEWTON
