The Stranger's 2024 Love & Sex Issue

TABLE OF CONTENTS

HUNDREDS OF READER VALENTINES

Roses Are Red, You’re Looking Cute, One of These Love Notes May Be About You 16

THE STRANGER’S 2024 SEX SURVEY RESULTS

Orgies Slightly Up, the Binary is Breaking, and Seattle’s Top Shortage Confirmed

23 LOVE IN LOCKUP

How I Proposed to My Wife from Prison

25

TAKE A TOUR OF SEATTLE’S FORMER DENS OF VICE

Seattle Was Built on Sex Work—and Many of Those Buildings Are Still Standing

27

I FIND MY LOVE AWAKE

The Ram-ifications of Breaking Your Own Rules

29

WASHINGTON NEEDS A STRIPPERS’ BILL OF RIGHTS

New Proposal Reduces Fees on Dancers, Increases Security

30 THE BOOKS OF LOVE

A Poem Recommendation for Every Stage of a Relationship

Reader Valentines

♥ SIR DAVE THE BRAVE My eternally intended, my immortal beloved, my perfect partner, my sweet papa bear, I have loved you for all of time and will til the end of infinity!

♥ FARTY PANTS I fart around you You fart around me Its meant to be!

♥ WHO EVEN ARE YOU In this smoking chaos, our shoulder blades kissed I found you I found you I found you I found you beautiful I found you exploding I found you

♥ SWEET BB BOY This year for v-day we’ll be at chemo, but every day is a day to celebrate how much I love you. You are my whole world sweet boy. Love, your turbo

♥ BUMCHEEKS! Let’s do another 25! I love you. xxx

♥ MY LIEBE Remember studying German in the HS hall, pretending to be cool? I miss you when you’re away. (ETA: approx. 31 hours, but who’s counting?)

♥ DEAREST SIR I wish you were here for This Thing of Ours. Love your little submissive.

♥ THANKS FOR LOVING ME Sarah, it’s pretty cool to have a partner who loves people the way you do. I’m fortunate to be in your life. Thanks for loving me, too.

♥ HER Happy Valentine’s Day to the only one for me; even if we weren’t meant to be. We’ll always have that time in space, but live lives in another place.

♥ LUKIE, MY LOVE You are, by far, my most favorite human and you make every day. Thank you for being you. Milk and I love you!

♥ TO NSP My smart, sexy, generous, kind, funny bf - this past year with you has felt like a lifetime, and I will love you for the rest of mine. Yours, CEF

♥ BOOBLESTILTSKIN wo ai ni more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow.

Wo shi ni de dou bao!

♥ JAY-KUMA I love our adventures in Seattle together. You light up every room you walk into! Have a wonderful birthday month filled with yummy foods & friends.

on pg 6

Editorial

EDITOR

Rich Smith

ARTS EDITOR

Megan Seling

SENIOR STAFF WRITER

Charles Mudede

STAFF WRITERS

Hannah Krieg, Ashley Nerbovig, Vivian McCall

Calendar

MANAGING EDITOR

Janey Wong

FOOD & DRINK CALENDAR EDITOR

Julianne Bell

MUSIC CALENDAR EDITOR

Audrey Vann

ARTS CALENDAR EDITOR

Lindsay Costello

CULTURE CALENDAR EDITOR

Shannon Lubetich

Art & Production

ART DIRECTOR

Corianton Hale

ASSOCIATE ART DIRECTOR

Anthony Keo

PRODUCTION

David Caplan, Feedback Graphics

Advertising

REGIONAL SALES DIRECTOR

James Deeley

SALES OPERATIONS MANAGER

Evanne Hall

SENIOR ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES

Ben Demar, Katie Phoenix

COVER ART

Illustration by Kelly Bjork kellybjork.com

Design by Corianton Hale

Events & Media

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

Tracey Cataldo

MARKETING & PROMOTIONS DIRECTOR

Caroline Dodge

DIRECTOR OF VIDEO PRODUCTION

Shane Wahlund

PODCASTS

Nancy Hartunian

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

Christian Parroco

Technology & Development

VP OF PRODUCT

Anthony Hecht

LEAD DEVELOPERS

Michael Crowl, Nick Nelson

TECH SUPPORT SPECIALIST

Grant Hendrix

Bold Type Tickets

DIRECTOR OF SALES

Diana Katz

CUSTOMER SOLUTIONS MANAGER

Kevin Shurtluff

CLIENT SOLUTIONS REPRESENTATIVE

Campy Draper

CUSTOMER SOLUTIONS REPRESENTATIVES

Katya Schexnaydre, Taffy Marler

Circulation

CIRCULATION MANAGER

Kevin Shurtluff

Business

PRESIDENT

Robert Crocker

COMPTROLLER

Katie Lake

♥ ERICA’S DAD Happy valentine’s day Paul! I love experiencing you be an amazing father to Erica and an amazing partner to me. Love u so much!!!

♥ JAMES, MY SUNSHINE I wouldn’t want to step over anyone else laying directly in front of the heater every single morning. Really, I wouldn’t tolerate it if it wasn’t you.

♥ 2 PIGS IN A POD Over 20 years of fantastic and some extreme adventures together. I can’t wait for more. I love you Tommy Tom

♥ TO JILLIAN <3 Happy Valentine’s Day, Jillian! So thankful to have such a funny, caring, and wildly sexy angel like you by my side. I’ll see you after work ;)

♥ URSULA MY LOVE To Ursula, my love is ever abundant and growing for you. The beauty you bring to life and recognize all around you gives hope for love and humanity

♥ FIRST HILL FIANCÉS Jenmy croissant loving, vampire surviving, partner in crime, will you be my Valentine?

♥ MORE KIWI IN 2024 Life is like the Incredicoaster with you. The highs, lows, and in between. I love all of it & you. Here is to more adventures for Kiwi and the muffins

♥ MY SWEET BIRD! You make my life so magical! Can’t believe I get to make home with you. Be my valentine??

♥ TO MY LOVE BUG I love you forever and ever, even if that forever is only laundry and taxes <3 - your bug

♥ PAND & MONGOOSE Happy 15 years cute Pand, I’ve never met anyone like you. Thrilled to share a home with you, Chrom, Large Baby, & Rainier Veterinary Hos. I love you.

♥ ANGEL BOI U drive me wild. You radiate warmth and authenticity. I’m obsessed and wish to bask in

your rays forever. Never change, pls. XO, your v good girl

♥ TO MY BUMBLE BFF I wish I could shower you with 1000 “never a dull moment” taco bell hot sauce packets. Thank you for agreeing to do weird things with me.

♥ SWAMP PUPPYYY How you so Ooey-gooey sweet n tasty?! Crushing on you 4eva get used to it. Ich liebe dich

♥ MY MANDY GIRL! How lucky am I to spend this third Valentine’s Day with you! Love to love you, love to know you, always my sunrise <3

♥ HONEY BEAR Almost 30yrs with you and I still love your face (and butt). You are an awesome Papa & husband. Happy Valentine’s Day!

♥ MARK MY LOVE I will love you forever as we sit around the campfire for eternity.

♥ TO MY ONE LIFE STAND Happy Thirteenth Valentine’s Day together. Thank you for still loving me. Olive Juice, forever.

♥ DYSON BLANKET TM I love you. Thank you for keeping me warm and softening my edges. Xoxo Butter

♥ I <3 MY HUBBY To my dear sweet man, you are the best one on this planet for me! I am so happy you’re in my life and adore the family we are. Best butts fam forever!

♥ SAILOR BEAR Why are you such a little babe!! I love you so much. Now get over here!!

♥ TO MY BOO <3 You’ve been a bright light in these dark past few months. You’ve made me feel so cherished. I love you. Here’s to many more Valentine’s Days together

♥ MY BEAUTIFUL PAISLEY whose smile aches across its face like canyonsides, the Lord shining down on the scene, consummating communions between the deer and the bats.

♥ HEY, CHRIS From your PhD in Fuck Yeah to your occasional snort of acknowledgement, Bobbo and I love you more than freeze-dried fish.

♥ TO SAHNAY I didn’t know this much love, comfort, and adventure could be found in one person. Thank you for loving me (and our little ghost), here and abroad. <3

♥ AIDY BO BAIDY My love- there’s no one I’d rather face this world with, and there’s no one I’d rather fart for in the hopes you say.. “damn. Nice one.” I love you!

♥ THE NFL GROUP CHAT Thank you for the space to vent and making me laugh when things are hard! I love you beautiful mamas! (remember reading & writing these every year?)

♥ LOVE COMES IN SPURTS You’re the Arlene to my Garfield, the Scully to my Mulder, the Sailor to my Lula. If a witch turned us into two raccoons I’d eat garbage with you 4eva

♥ MC HAIKU My loving husband Seattle troubles passing My heart will forgive

♥ TO EMILY You are the light of my life, the tops, queen of my heart and the true big boss. You bring joy to my life in ways large and small. I love you!!!

♥ BE MINE MR. MANGUY From drinks at Speckled and Drake to First Thursday Art Walks in Pioneer Square, I’d sit in traffic on Mercer Street if it meant a date with you <3

♥ TO BUBBY I can’t think of anything that makes me happier than just being with you & Neechu. I want to hold you forever, mi amor. Here’s to our future together!

♥ DUKU When will I go monkey mode again, if not with you? Bab <3

♥ BUBBA I really love you, thank u for everything u do for me <3

♥ DA HOONIE!!!!! Hi Hoonie! I wuvvvvv uuuuuuuuuuuu. Happy Day!!!!!!!! Wuv HH

♥ SAMMY I love you and our little kitties and the days we spend time together, will you once again be my valentine? xoxo mal ps: cute butt <3

♥ DADDYSEAN Happy valentines day, DILF! Parenting is wild, so glad we’re doing it together. Now let’s put these kids to bed, eat some Oreos, & play Mario.

♥ HEY NICE LAAAAAADY! Yay! Another great Valentines together! I will bug you with many hugs and kisses and give you a good foot rub and some seltzers in return. I Love you!

♥ TO: JOSH, LOVE: EMMA I know a shortcut to heaven It’s looking in your eyes on a mountain It’s swimming glacial blue Just me

and you I love you Josh <3 happy vday

♥ PINK HAIRED DYKE To the only lesbian in Seattle - love you forever

♥ YUMMY IN MY TUMMY Patrick, as your other partner said, you’re very steady & I agree. I’m so glad I’m parenting & sharing life & love with you.

♥ HEY GALAXY I’m proud of you. Keep going. Maybe cut back on the weed and floss more. Love, Galaxy

♥ I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU M, I think of you every day. You must know I’m still in love with you.Please write to me. Tell me how you are. Good to see you at the luncheon. Love,G

♥ CAMO thanks for being fun to get to know. can’t wait to get to show you around here!! *smooches*

♥ NEVER BORED WITH YOU Kiddo, you make the everyday exciting every day. I could be happy hanging out watching you do your Wordle. Love you, J

♥ DEV - HELLO IT’S ME Am I the one you’re looking for? Yes always yes forever, you will be the one I have looked for and found. Love you Mitty!

♥ BABY DADDY ALEX This is our 15th Valentine’s Day that we’ve spent together. You’re the best Papa to our tiny bebe, and the best friend and husband to me. forevz, t

♥ THE PRECIOUS ONE In your presence, I’ve glimpsed a world profound, where beauty intertwines with the ground, expanding my view beyond what I’d found. I love you <3

♥ STEBBY <3 You’re a slimy creature whose bones and guts I love dearly. Thank you for everything. You’re a dream come true :) Love you!!

♥ KNUCK IS SO DREAMY Knuck your rugged good looks captivate. Your chest hair thick and rugged is like the mane of a show pony blowing in the wind. I need you. Love, Knuck

♥ PROPS & MAYHEM I adore you, my darling! M and I are so lucky to have you. I love you so. ~birdie

♥ BE MY VALENTINE, Love you Louie! BF

♥ SEATTLE WARMTH Look, we work together. It wouldn’t work. I’m mostly queer but want to jump your stupid, wonderful body. The Heat would be cathartic and silly.

♥ BE MINE, JUNCO? Forever grateful a little bird tipped me off to the wonders of you. Falling for you over WhatsApp as you hiked the Alps—best origin story ever. <3

♥ REAL LIFE PNW PRINCE I still have never seen anyone drive a Toyota truck up on a curb like that. Those tires were so BEEFY. I’m so glad we still ride together. Xoxoxo

♥ BEST BUTT HOUSEHOLD I’ll always be your warmth in bed, no matter how much you push me towards the edge (of the bed).

♥ MY SILVER LINING To my silver lining, my Matty; You make every-

thing better. Especially pancakes. I love you. ~Laura

♥ TO MY MONKEY Im happy to call you my Valentine everyday. Im so proud to be your fiance, and of all youve accomplished. I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

♥ TO MY LOVER, one n only, boo thing, apple of my eye, hottie witha body, etc.. Everyday spent with you is a gift. Thanks for taking me on walks to see the ducklings

♥ YOU WILL HATE THIS Kinsley, You are the chain to my bicycle. Without you I’m just a jumble of gears. Together we’re a beautiful machine. I love you, Julia

♥ BEARACUDA, YES, YOU I love you, baby, even after 19 years. When I return from down under, I hope we can celebrate properly...

♥ DEAR LARS You’re easily in my top 10 people named Lars, somewhere after von Trier. I love you.

♥ CHIVALRY AND HONESTY To to love of my life - You are the one. You are the true divine masculine: king, warrior, lover, and magician. I can relax in my femininity, finally.

♥ TO MADD Though what meadows one might scour, or tulip fields with windmill towers, the beauty of true love’s all ours, and you are sweeter than any flower.

♥ UR THE BEST, P Cant imagine trudging thru this dumpster fire of a world w/o u by my side. I love u so much! Here’s 2 more adventures and fewer visits to the ER <3 A

♥ TO CHAZ Loving someone isn’t always easy - but you make it so. Your Valentine, Chris

♥ TO MY ROBBIE Happy Valentines Day to my forever valentine!! Thank you for making me a mom…I love our lil family. Smoosh smoosh kiss kisssss

<3 i love being devoted homies that kiss! xoc

♥ FROM A TO Z Every day is an adventure with you. Let’s keep exploring each other and this world together. Love you babe! xoxo

♥ TO DARLING LILIANA we’ve known each other for 12 years, and i’m looking forward to forever with you. i’d do anything to keep doing laundry and taxes together, my love.

♥ KU’U IPO! E ku’u ipo, my bff, my heart. Mahalo for your heart and mahalo for keeping mine. This our year! And all the ones to come <3 Love you. Wo ai ni.

♥ MR. HUGGY Forever and ever, you’ll always be my magical cheese wizard. Love, Spoopy.

♥ A+ HAMSTER DAD Without metaphor / This haiku is just to say / I love you so much ... To J, my favorite time traveler, there is nobody I’d rather explore with. -M

♥ BEYOND REASON Thanks for pretending you had to keep coming back to Seattle on business so we could fall in love. xo

♥ TO MY VVVALENTINE Triple V year this year; great chance to revisit traditions. lovelovelove you

♥ TO MY B <3 I love love love you for always being the best and brightest part of my day. My sweets, I adore you. Forever & always your Valentine, KNU

♥ BA PULLO Mariame, I’ve never loved someone like I love you, and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Bisous, Paolo

STEVEN WEISSMAN

STEVEN WEISSMAN

JAMES

JAMES

♥ MONA, MY KING! Could you be more lovely? More kind? More generous? More tender? More strong? Have nicer buns? Impossible. All my love, all ways!

♥ ONE NACHO We were once 1 nacho, but not anymore. We don’t talk anymore,where did we go? Lost in the dark,and you let go. I hope you find what you’re looking for

♥ FROM J TO B Stamp me in your heart, sear my emblem on your skin. Love me directly without problems or pride. I love you!

♥ HAPPY VDAY, CHEEGY! I love you with all my heart! Happy Valentine’s Day!! ^..^

♥ TO THE BEST PUD PUD Love your morning toots, midday kisses, afternoon tea, dinnertime finessing, and bedtime giggles! I cherish every day with you

♥ BOO BEAR You are the most exceptional human. I am lucky to be yours. I love you. MV

♥ TO MY LIL VAPE QUEEN I love you so much! I’m so glad we met and took a chance on each other. You are the best ever babe. Cheers to many more years together! xoxoxo

♥ MY DARLING (My dear.) You know I never stopped being In Trouble. I adore you & am grateful for all we’ve experienced. Take good care, Love. Until our next dance.

♥ MADI Thank you for reminding me that I am a romantic. I am grateful for your love every day &

I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us <3 Jasmine

♥ THE VOODOO YOU DO. Dear valued VooDoo. Has it really been 5 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard. (distribute token of appreciation and applaud) Love you sweetheart!

♥ MIRANDA’S DAD Never imagined I could love you even more until I saw you being her dad. Head now further over heels. Still playing it cool, though (totally working).

♥ I BELIEVE THEY SAY… That roses are red and violets are blue but since I’ve got no skills at rhyming I’ll just say that I love you <3

♥ POOKIE! To the Pookiest Pook in all of Pookieville--my heart is your 4eva.

♥ LOVE IS… POLYAMORY SO grateful to share my life with all of you as lovers and as friends. I never dreamed I could be so happy, and hope I make you feel that way too.

♥ DEAR JACKIE 22 years ago you wrote yourself a Valentine and changed everything. Now I’m real and sending you one. Do you have any idea how magical you are?

♥ RIDE OR DIE! OG Hitachi Magic Wand: thanks for consistently being there for me. Xoxo

♥ JUMP ROPE KING Champion of jump rope and my heart. I’m glad for all 8000 times I’ve met you. I don’t know what the next one will be, but this one’s my favorite - HM

♥ IT’S FATE Our meeting was a destined arrangement from lifetimes of history. We have defined our “North Star”, and together our hearts travel as one. I love you.

♥ My Freeza Cheeks, life was gray, but since we’ve known each other, it’s full of colors that I didn’t even know existed Yur alien boi loves you!

♥ CARNIVORE GIRLFRIEND adore u very dearly spider girl :) ur my favorite isomer

♥ MY QUARANTINE DREAM Love you longtime, Stinky E! I can’t express how thankful i am to get to dance through life with you. I couldn’t imagine it with anyone else. xoxo

♥ CAGED SERVICE FOR DD My heart still breaks. Oh, how I enjoyed being your walking gloryhole. I miss the connection. I miss you.

♥ LAST TEN YEARS! A whole decade of loving you has just made me love you more! Can’t wait to see what the next 10 bring raising our baby Razzberry. Happy VDAY my LOVE!

♥ SMOOTCHIE BOOTCHIE<3 My Sweetest Jessy-poo, lucky me am to have found such hottie!

ooxxooXoXXx (hug hug,kiss kiss,hug hug,big kiss,little hug,kiss kiss,Little kiss) XoMaxO

♥ LIBRARY LOVE We love everyone who supports the Seattle Public Library! Consider giving some extra love to your library staff, our spaces, and books of course!

♥ KIMMY T My hero, my mentor, my friend, the kindest voice in my head. What a gift to know you in this life. xo, KP

♥ MY FOREVER VALENTINE No other man would move states away for me. Thank you for the past 5 (almost 6) years. I love you so much!

♥ YOSHI 2 MY DRY BONES LexiMy sexy ride or die, my external voice of reason, my partner in drinking and crime. I still lung you. Happy Valentimes day.

♥ BUBZ LOVES BEANS Listening to you from the Phonebooth to Alki was the best decision ever. I love you with everything I’ve got!

♥ MY NASTY WORM <3 The longest. The nastiest. The wormiest. I love you.

♥ TO MY SWEET BOY, MAX Our love is new, yet I’m excited for our future and where we will go. There’s no one else I’d rather spend every moment with. Even if you bite my bum.

♥ GRANT {{ My love! You are the best, hottest partner anyone could ever hope for. I’ll spend the rest of our lives delighted to be in your arms <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

♥ MY LITTLE FUCKBIRD I love you more than all the moons and the stars in the heavens above. Be my valentine.

♥ GOOD DAY, SUNSHINE We spent the pandemic on opposite sides of a patio door; now you’re my part-time inside kitty. It’s still good to see you every day. -honored human

♥ CAL + AL 4EVER Cal, I can’t believe we have a little orange kitty together!! You’re the love of my life, my soup snake without a doubt Will you be my valentine too?

♥ MY CINNAMON GIRL BooMarrying you was the best day of my life. I love your sparkle, and watching Eastenders together. I <3 you to the moon & back, forever.

♥ SARDONIC SLAV No matter if it’s heart problems, music woes,

insurance headaches, or any other trials and tribulations — I’ll be by your side.

♥ DEAR SEATTLE, Every time I think you love me, you raise my rent. Every time I think I hate you, I remember you have more dogs than children. Can’t quit you baby.

♥ ADORE AMORE Thank you. Full moons, ocean side bathtubs, fireplace enchantments, ambient sundays, long walks & longer saunas, all the vinyl records, & all the joy.

♥ EGBDF Good Boy you’re doing a great job! This most pervertable of holidays is a great reminder to celebrate what a good little slut you are. Happy hump day!

♥ FARTNERS 4 LIFE Fifteen years in and I’m even more obsessed with every part of you. You have the sexiest brain and butt and heart on planet earth. Your’s 4eva - HB

♥ BRWN , WHT TRUCK We met

@ Martha Washington Park & talked for hours. You shared your giant cooler of snacks w me & let me be shy. Will you meet me again? 2/13 @ sunset

♥ NICHE MICRO CELEB Hannah is the cutest writer at The Stranger and should be paid a hotness bonus!! She is as funny as a bunny and as sweet as candy.

<3

♥ MY SWEET CECE <3 can’t believe we’ve been in each other’s orbit for 8 yrs now. u’ve shown me what uncndtnl love is & im eternally grateful 4 that. love u endlessly, xx

♥ DEAREST Every time you say my name my heart skips a beat. I really meant what I said about not caring what we do as long as I get to spend time with you

♥ KITTY Can’t imagine looking at the moon without telling you about it. You are my everyday day maker. I’ll always want all of you. Lip tattoo?

♥ 1620 19TH AVE. I hope you enjoyed the squirrels tickle your walls one more week. My love, You will be torn down. Will you be affordable housing? I surely hope so.

♥

♥ SMEAGOL, I LOVE YOU. 7 years ago I fell in love with a secret gollum, & received a romance full of magic, tenderness, & undying Scorpio-level commitment. I am so lucky.

♥ 2 HOT 4 FICTION Brave of you to reveal your kinks in your excellent short stories. I wish I could be your cruel sphinx.

♥ MY MUSH VALENTINE I found and loved you infinite lifetimes. Or was that just a mushroom trip? Baby let’s celebrate our love like it’s the last chance we’ll get!

♥ TO MY SILLYDINGDONG, Every year together is better than the last. You are the kindest, funniest, smartest person I know. Thanks for being my SWEETIE, I love you. — C

♥ TO MY SOULMATES Thank you for keeping me warm every night, sweet kisses and constant entertainment. Yes I’m talking about my cats, Georgia & Buffy. <3

♥ DEAR VALENTINE lob u pookie -3-

♥ MY OWN JAMES BOND Bonding with you happened so fast We both knew our love was meant to last Suave with words, dashing in a suit Mission accomplished, damn we’re cute!

♥ CHAMPAGNE PISTACHIO MM.

You are the light in my life, my partner in the upside down. I can’t imagine traveling this world without you. Be my valentine forever. Love JB

♥ TO SINÉAD-O POTATO You make me so happy, big baby. Can’t wait to see you again. I love you so much.

♥ CASSIDY ANN DYCE You are my luvrb00 4 thug lyfe

♥ MCS I love it when you make me cum so hard that I cry. Let’s do that more often. I love you!

♥ MY LOVE COCOA PUFF D 15 yrs in we both grown fat n grey, love it when we can both laugh at our kid’s tanty or cry at puppy sloppy shit in her crate. Happy V’day sexyBeast!

♥ SCOTT! What an honor it is to know you and love you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I tell you all the time, but thank you for everything you’ve done for me.

♥ APOSTROPHE OPTIONAL Roses are red, this violet turns tricks, bring your friends- let’s eat a bag of dicks.

♥ CHERRY PIE FOREVER Kenny you make my world sweet and fun and limitless. i love your take on the world, your calm

demeanor, your dyi soul and your sexy swagger.-xo S

♥ LIVE LAUGH LOVE BH - I couldn’t do these three things without the my HOT wife. Me and P are so lucky to have you. Let’s put the V in Valentine’s Day! -AH

♥ SO THANKFUL FOR YOU! Dear Tiger, I love you so much... you accept and celebrate all of my non-hetero-normative ways and I feel so loved and appreciated by you! Love Bunny

♥ LOVE AGAIN Alejandro, thank you for making me believe in love again. I’ll always be grateful I met you.

♥ ANNA’S VALENTINE A, Our flirts ebb and flow. I regret my slow pace. You’ve sent pics with thigh but I like your face. Let’s go on a date! Be my Valentine? -Anonymous

♥ QUERIDO CHICO DETOUR Forever grateful that our timelines are threaded together. You’re my future favorite color! Xoxo, Serra

♥ SEXY SARGE In 10 years we will be free of children. #TeamUs I love you always and forever.

♥ HOUNDSTOOTH HEARTS To my four Loves, I have houndstooth tattooed on top of my heart for you. All the love bites to all of you for caring for me like you do. #chompchomp

♥ DO BETTER PRAX I see you with her and you hide yourself because she wants you to change for her. That’s not love dear. That’s toxic play house. Wish you can see that

♥ OH AL, HOW I LOVE ME I fucking rule and this year I’m my own valentine. I’m kind, caring, loving, generous, thoughtful, sweet, funny as hell, and I finally love ME.

♥ TO JK, MY LOVE! Jacob, I love you and this life we’ve built together so much! You’re the apple in my eye, and the knees of my bees. JKO forever! Love ya! -KO

♥ 1 YR ANNIVERSARY:) It still makes me laugh you chose “a random Tuesday in February” to officially ask me out. I love+adore you so much. Happy anniversary, Nick. <3, Jack

♥ DISCO COWGIRL BARBIE You Lassoed my heArt the day we met, tied it down like a high schooler at the rodeo, and now I’m yoUrs foRever (please don’t sell mE at auctioN) - AB

♥ DEAR S, You are so good to me and I’m so grateful we get to grow together. Nothing beats the giddiness I get every time I see you at my door. XOXO mort

♥ I LOVE YOU COLLEEN! Happy Valentine’s baby! I adore our life together and I love being in gay love with you.

♥ VERY HOT DJ/BARISTA You are the attractive nb queer of my dreams! Happy Valentine’s Day, I hope you get at least 5 of these valentines in The Stranger. You deserve it.

♥ TO M, You have my heart and light my soul. I love you dearly. -C

♥ JACK-O’-LANTERN SAM Hey pumpk, Thanks for being my favorite boy & special friend the past decade. I can’t help falling in love with you... over & over again.

showed up at my door I have been ridiculously in love with you. I can’t wait for our future. I hope we don’t die.

♥ TO JUNIE The best girl in the world

♥ MR. MCNASTY I fucking love you. I did this sweet thing for you. Now can I play with Tom + Jerry? No squirming!

♥ THE MOLEK OF <3 So glad I found you at the back of a paddy wagon. I love making cat-tail mustaches & watching SNL reruns & raising the best kid with you. Mic check!

♥ KING OF THE BABIES My love, not even House could crack our case. I can’t wait for a long life together until we die in our sleep at the exact same moment when we’re 150.

♥ TO MY BB GOO Won’t you please be my valentine. As I position myself, supine. So my face, please submerse, As you lie in reverse. And this year can we sixty-nine?!

♥ ROO & CAPLAN You are everything to me - “You and I,” “R&C,” my life would be nothing without you.

the dog, and when we talk about lunch, and when I lick the sweat off your tits. All the things.

♥ TURTLE PLUS SKUNK Every day is a tussle, a tangle, a wildly breathtaking adventure in search of art in the desert, breakfast at midnight and saucy words to point at.

♥ AND JUST LIKE THAT We got us a damn baby! I knew I’d marry you when I met you and now we’ve got a little us coming into this world. I love you more than anything.

♥ MAYAMINO!! Maya, I love being married to you. It is the best life I could hope for. You are so hot. I am hashtag blessed. 20 years and counting.

♥ CAT APOTHECARY Hi, What’s Your Name? Potato Chip What’s Yours? Sour Cream & Onion Dip

♥ “W” LOVE FOR KATRINA From whales on Whidbey to the wildest ride in the wilderness to wow, journeys! Wellington next?

♥ DEAREST GREGO Happy 10 years of being a couple! Isn’t it wild that we’ve been together that long? Hope we can grow our family of 3 to 4 someday!! -D.

♥ TO MY COOL CATS, K&O Dearest K&O, you two bring me so much happiness, laughter, adventure, and treats. I love you both, one more than the other-you’ll never know. LOVE, L

♥ I LOVE YOU BABY I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK BUBSY

♥ GREYSON ANITA Read it and weep. This isn’t fake news baby. I love you so much, even when you’re being one. Happy Valentines Day!

DEAR CHOML!!, Oh Caitlin, the love of my life, how I adore you! You are everything I could’ve ever imagined and more. TY for your endless love and compassion.

BIG BOO LIL BOO! <3 forever FIRST + BEST boos - never forget. it’s been almost a year of the most special time with you both. thank you and let’s have more <3

FERNIPER FUR-EVER Ferniper, Your floofy brown bodies and energy bring so much warmth and joy to our hearts. Watching you grow together grows our hearts. Love, B&A

COUPLE OF HEATHENS! Never expected meet someone so special when and where I did. Can’t wait to explore churches and the universe with you. Princess, you are my favorite!

root labor? Our bodies together our hearts laced

♥ DEAREST MUSKONMARS I love you to the moon and back. I’d marry you over and over again. Love, your Alive Girl.

♥ BARISTA JOE, I <3 U If your name is Joe and you are a barista in Ballard, just know I have a huge crush on you and think you deserve all good things in the world :-)

♥ NEW YEAR’S EVE J- You made tiger salad, we never even turned on the TV, and you kissed me at midnight. miss you. -K

♥ MY BEST FRIEND our love is awash in the colors you paint and hidden in the corner of your upturned smile you will always be my best friend and for that i am lucky

♥ OH SWEET BABY BOY I’ve shot the breeze with kings, they showed me wealth as far as I could see. But they cried with jealousy when I leaned in and told them about you

♥ IYAYOO HUDDY My love bug, I love you so very muchy much.

xomama

♥ BISCUIT You’re my favorite human ever to exist. I don’t ever to life without you. I will always buy your white bread. Thanks for letting me be bb&boss. Iluvu

♥ LOVEY POO Can’t believe its been 16 years! They have been wonderful and exciting and you really are the love of my life

♥ ONE YEAR... I never knew my year would be filled with so much love. Little did I know I would meet you, and plan towards marriage together. From G, to tofu J.

♥ BOSTON ARTIST/DANCER Your tattoo first caught my eye, but the vocabulary keeps my interest. Hoping for more art walks, hairpulling, and intimate dance in the future!

♥ DR LOVE I’ve loved you since we were babies…then when we had babies…and now grandbabies! And I still love you to the moon and back! Forever, Mo

♥ KL <3 DORIAN You make my life so much better, you silly little guy.

♥ WHO COULD’VE KNOWN? Do you realize how important you are to me? I have so much love for you in my little rotten heart. I wish you nothing but happiness, always.

♥ MR ROBOTO I Love you <3 keep carrying me @ Dota pls! Happy Valentine’s Day!

♥ HEY THERE BISCUITS You’re a powerhouse. A sexy sunbeam. My generous, joyful honeypie. My beautiful round-bottomed lamb. You’re fuckin smart and fuckin funny. I love you

♥ D.B. MY LOVE Thank you for the adventures we’ve shared; to call you my partner is the greatest gift. I love you my sweet <3 K.B.

COSMIC CONNECTION The spiral to my star. Our bond is cosmic energy that leads to portals of endless love! Xoxoxo

*EVAN* *HOTTIE!!* Happy millionth v-day to my sweet giggady!! Thanks for everything, you are soooo hot and I love you!

Love, Andrea

MY TOOTH-DEVIL What started 25 years ago has been a relationship based on patience, communication, support & deep LOVE. I can’t imagine ‘doing life’ any other way!

WATERMELON WATCHBAND

Fresh communication after a year apart. I hope to follow you into the fields. Can we truly enjoy

Can’t wait to dance all over Seattle with you my silly goose.

♥ D’OH! DOUG! “Your my moon, my stars and without you..I am darkness” Life is weird with you and wouldn’t want it any other way. Love you, luv bug D

♥ BUTTERED LOVE Christian- you fill my heart with love, laughter, & passion. I never want to be without your never ending compassion and curiosity. I love you, Anika.

♥ DADDY WOLF Seven lifetimes, I’ve held you in my heart. We ebb and flow like the moon reflected on water. You howl and bite. I fold and waiver. Yours Forever.

♥ YOU SHOULD KNOW Andrew, wish I could tell you I love you. I do, even if you don’t love me

♥ CUTIE PIE JUSTIN You’ve allowed my heart to open up and dream about possibilities of love again. You’re healing me more than you know; thank you.

♥ CUDDLY SHARK I hope you know how much I enjoy our mornings together, walks in the neighborhood and dances in the kitchen.

♥ SAMANTHA Dear Sam, There is a disclaimer that nonsensical gibberish is not allowed in these Valentines. The best times with you are nonsensical so...uh oh.

♥ MY MUSE AH, you’re the one for me. I hope we can be together for real someday. It hurts to be apart. Love you tons. C

♥ ANNALISE Congratulations! ♥ TO MY SWEET GOBLIN Thank you for your patience, your endearing nature, your touch both warm and charged, for letting me cry, and allowing my freak flag to fly.

♥ BABE FROM BELLINGHAM You have such a unique name that I don’t even know if I should say it, I fucked up not being “ready” to date you before. I would love another chance.

♥ TO MY BEAUTIFUL DEE Nothing makes me smile like seeing you and our kid laughing together Let’s make another one! <3

♥ ALL MY FUTURE PLANS… account for you. Couldve passed out when u said that bc it was so romantic. Been in love with u since. Future feels so bright with you in it VRD+AAB

♥ DEAR SCOTT I love that we get to rest our heads in the same place each night and giggle about dumb stuff. The bed is too big without you, the frying pan too wide

♥ 2 YEARS OF PURE LOVE Hello my dearest Cammie. You have made me the happiest girl on the hill. Thank you for being my valentine. Let’s do it again! Love, Jo ♥ TO MY COLLIE ANGEL Getting to meet you and come to know you and love you has been the greatest pleasure of my life. I adore you.

♥ TRIPLE ZZZ You are my lighthouse, the one whom I want to share everything with. Love, P

♥ MY SWEET BIRD BOY Your silly lil beak kisses, our necks nuzzled together, wide wings wrapped around me tight. I love to fly through this life with you my Griffin xoxo B

♥ THE BEST CAT DAD Scott, so much love from myself and Leo. We both appreciate your cuddles and when you get dinner ready for us

♥ TO MY AMAZING FRIEND Thank you for always supporting me and being my comfort person. You make my heart happy. I don’t know what I would do without you <3

♥ FOXYGLOVES + APOLLOG Coming on 21 years since you found me here, and only getting better. Thank you for taking the chance. Love love love you, sweet Rossykins!

♥ LOVE OF MY LIFE Ever since we ate at Alibi room and discovered we both fucc with Mushrooms and Olives, I knew we’d be inseparable. Here’s to 8 years of DINKing. -||-

♥ TOODLES I hope you get all the chicken wings you want, today.

JAMES

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♥ BABY LONG BEAN You are the most kind, most inspiring, and most considerate lover I have ever had. You bring light and happiness to all, the universe hugs you, Libra

♥ HOT STOVE My luscious little breakfast quiche, I would find you + love you in every lifetime, on every planet, in every galaxy. I love you, endlessly. xo, C

♥ PEE-CAN PIE A valentine never looked as good as you. Especially in your running tights with your ass packaged like a fine Christmas ham. Love you! <3 Swannie

♥ HEY ME, IT’S YOU This single sexy self-destruction train is slammin brakes to remind you— You deserve love, happiness, and a consensual fingy in the butt. Go get it!

♥ FRENCH FRY Chicken nugget, apple sauce. I love you a million trillion cheeses.

♥ E.P. Fuck valentines day, I love you every day. - from the best decision you’ve ever made.

♥ CK SMALLS You son of a bitch, I’m in. Love you.

♥ I’M NOT STINKY! To my lover of 15 years. Fuck, it’s been 15 years?? We’re awesome. You’re awesome. I love you more than more, Big Bear. Love, Stinky.

let me squeeze those cheeks! Love, sexy.

♥ ANGLE LAKE STUD Thank you for being my covid boyfriend! You helped this southern camelia blossom. Wishing you all the best in your exotic explorations.

♥ DETROIT FLOWER GIRL When you comb the water for shells I can’t help to resonate with them. Lucky to have been the one you picked. P.S. you totally made the 1st move.

♥ MET YOU HERE! Life move pretty fast and if you didn’t stop to look around you could’ve missed me. Look at us now and our beautiful family. I LOVE YOU!

♥ SPOON DANCE FOREVER! M, Every night I want to spoon you, until you demand to spoon me, until I demand to spoon you, continuing until we fall asleep. All my love, H

♥ NUCLEAR FUSION babydoll, the last year has been a manifestation of the fusion of our cores and our love that touches unknown depths. I love you, Daddy

♥ TO A BRAVE MOUSE Roses are red, didn’t you hear? 2023 was a hell of a year The new year’s upon us, and quite the ride And there’s no one I’d rather have by my side -M

♥ ADAM MY ADAM My little kitten, for you I am smitten. From fingers to toes, my love grows. On life’s bike, we ride tandem. Adam my Adam.

♥ A LOT A LOT Audrey, you are such a light in this world. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be wholly loved. I’m so lucky to know you and get to love you.

♥ TO THE BEST BOSS! Lisa, Happy Valentine’s Day! We appreciate all you do for us! Nancy and Sue

♥ HEY DUMMY Going on 14yrs of basically 24/7 together. Are you sick of me yet? Love you so much, xoxoxo.

♥ I SCHMOOZE YOU You’re my best friend, wonderful partner, and I love you so much. Can’t wait to travel with you again; Iceland calls! Smooches and BTs forever.

♥ ALL I THINK ABOUT IS You... since we met, talking late into the night. Your laugh: infectious. Your mind: scintillating. Your body: I swoon. I am a smitten kitten. :-*

♥ ROSA LUNA FORTUNA I don’t emerge from the mist for just anyone, but Bellevue’s most powerful psychic can drop by anytime. Warm welcomes from Cougar Mountain. —Bigfoot

♥ THE NEW NUCLEAR The triad is celebrating its 3rd anniversary this year! Love you bbs to the moon and back. I couldn’t imagine watching Drag Race with anyone else <3

♥ SOUND OF MY HEART True, I’m the opposite of a secret admirer & I know I travel a lot but there’s no place like a PNW home. Seattle, I love you! -Amara

♥ OBVIOUS MEMORIES What did we say 1st year - has it really lasted? Yes and no. But oh so grateful and well-wishing. Love Always, Captain

♥ SEEKING HOT ARIES GF Must be funny, crazy smart, sexy, sweet, an amazing cook, have gorgeous brown eyes, and have a name that starts with O. Xoxo Meg

♥ BIG SEXY I love you more than anything!! You’re so loving and sweet. You make me the happiest butt in the world. Now

♥ ZILLOW + TRADER JOES My Danyang, you are better than a warm cup of coffee or the best steam bun. And your name deserves to be printed in 100 million newspapers. Love u!!!

♥ WINDSWEPT Wholly windswept, no worse for wear, I’m yippin’ your yappin’ what we’ve got is rare

♥ BEEPERS MY BETROTHED Bretton, my soon to be husky hubby. I love you so dearly, my heart might explode. Does insurance cover that? -A

♥ EHDDI, HEAR’S TO YOU Karin, Julie, Anna (and epi Annie!) - WA state is incredibly lucky to have such a great team supporting DHH families. You’re ear-replaceable! - KD

♥ I MISS YOU I always thought we’d grow old together. You are my forever Galentine, Jacey Brown.

♥ PUFFINS W/ BENEFITS Roses are read, Violets are blue, I like being FWBs with you. You have a great dick, That much is true, But I appreciate so much more about you.

♥ #1 DOCTOR A doctor I love from the Midwest Is better than great she’s the best With brains to spare And kindness to share She’s also got quite a nice chest

♥ TO MY BELOVED LAURIE Happy Seattle Valentine’s. I’m going to needle your space, troll your bridge and sail up your ship canal (with a little detour around your gas works).

♥ HOT WIFE MOLLY! You are the most delightful weirdo/queerdo I’ve ever known. Your nightly pebbles make me so happy. Here’s to us and our small dog rescue ranch!

♥ STORYBOOK LOVE I didn’t think I could love you more, but each year somehow I do. I feel you breathing next to me in bed as I type and know how truly lucky I am. S+S

♥ BABY-A LABIA! Ur so hot, creative, silly, talented, and special. Love u! I have so much fun w you! Happy V day! Let’s eat chocky & puss. XO Biscuits

♥ A LA NENA MÁS BELLA. ..que tengo la suerte de ver y besar todas las mañanas, junto con Lush. Te amo siempre. Gracias por ser, mi vida.

♥ HEY, TOBY’S DAD We both are the same level of excited to see you each and every morning (though I wag a bit less) I love you, I love you, I love you.

♥ PRINCESS BUTTERCUP I love your silly. I love your sweet. No one can ever compete. My Taurus queen, ready to flip a table for her crew. A guiding star and a great laugh.

♥ GOLD TO MY GARDEN Muglet, you make life a Golden Garden. Thanks for liking me even after holding a towel up to shield me while I had a diarrhea emergency at the beach.

♥ 2024 + SO MANY MORE Jo, Even after having known you for over 6 years, the joy of spending each day with you has never diminished. I’m beyond thrilled to be yours <3

♥ TRULY JAIMÉE-ZING! The apple of my eye With you I fly high Causing mischief around town

That’s how we get down Red boots furs and unicorns galore It’s you BFF I adore!

♥ 2 MY PERVERTED DADDY

“Everyone needs a daddy” you like to say. I sure need you. Thank you for the little things and the cosmic stuff too. Love you so much.

♥ I LOVE YOU SHELLEY Even though I still prefer nachos over ganache. I still prefer you over nachos. Lets hang out soon. Josh

♥ HELLO MY LOVE! Im so glad I asked you on that first date for “homework”. I’m so glad that in this lifetime we get to do laundry and taxes together. I love you!

♥ TO OUR STINKY LOVE Thank you for forcing me to shower. You mean the world to me Minh. I love you, xoxo stinky Linda.

♥ DEAR BODHI’S DAD Mar, being with you is as easy as breathing. I love every single version of us, and future us. I’m so happy to do life with you. Mrow forever.

♥ COWBOY, You’ve been my valentine for 2 years now, and I am certain I want to spend every February 14 I have left getting dollar store balloons from you. Xoxo

♥ TO MY CHICKEN MONKEY You are my chicken monkey

♥ BABYGUR i love you so so so much. the way you hold me and hold space for me has been life changing. our queerness is magic. thank you. i love you.

♥ CHIEF MILKLESMOOCH My sleeping smoochie. I would give you all my milk, if I had any. I would kill all your lice, if you had any. You’re the albañil to my ama de casa.

JAMES YATES

JAMES YATES

♥ BABY H we love you more than you can imagine - big things ahead lil guy! love, uncle J

♥ AHOY! Permission to board, cap’n?

♥ HAPPY PLACE WITH YOU PaulyWallyBu, I like doing edibles with you <3 KW

♥ FOR: MY FAVE FOAMER Cheers to a billion more train songs, chicken dinners, hot tubs, and Fast and Furious movies. I love you so much! xo, Your Darlin’

♥ I LOVE YOU, ABBY I’m so glad we chose each other. Weve lived so much in 7 years ~ if you fall in love, run away together. live in a car. (Stay sober) It WILL work out

♥ 3RIC <3 KATT Yr half a world away now. 20 yrs and you’ve always kept it interesting, 2 decades and yr finger never left the pulse. I love u, my rock-n-roll queen!

♥ OUR LOVE TRANCENDS Quinn I love you more then the moon and louder then the stars marry me?

♥ LIKE LDR SAID Only two months into living with you and my life has never been so beautiful. When you know, you know and I know that I love you, Blake.

♥ I IOVE YOUR :-) TAPE I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. If I had done 1 thing differently, I might never have met you. You are my hearts favorite place

♥ YOU ARE THE GOOBER! Hey. Hi. Thanks for being an awesome movie buddy (and more). I feel very fortunate to have met you. Also, you’re good at kissing and stuff.

♥ LOVERONI4GINGER Amanda this Valentines day know you are the love of my life, my partner in crime, the Jojo to my cheesecake. Here’s to many more adventures!

♥ TOOTHY PERKINS Where the hell have you been my whole life, Loca?

♥ PURPLE PANCAKES Lub you so much and I can’t wait to eat pancakes with you forever and touch your butt

♥ KEEP IT THAT WAY Remember that sweet lady pulling her dog in a wagon witnessing our new and unexpected love last year?

“Keep it that way!” And we have, and we will

♥ ALL THE THINGS S: There’s no one else I’d rather try to 1) master cassava, 2) wrangle tween therapy, 3) play birb games, or 4) cuddle with than you. -j.

♥ TO ALEX, MY BELOVED You fill my days with laughter and my world with vibrant color. You are my lighthouse in the storm of life. This is our year! Tiger mates for life.

♥ EBBANSON Here’s to being twin flames and hetero life mates for life. I’m able to be me because you said it was ok. I love you forever, my dearest soul brother

♥ DASH <3 My dear lovely friend. I miss exchanging cards with you for silly holidays and seeing your face everyday. Let’s start writing across the ocean!

♥ ZACK AND LAURA 4EVR I love you, I have no clue what I’d do without you, and I’ve never been more proud of anyone. Here’s to ten years <3

♥ MY LION KING I love you and our adventures! Here’s to our best year yet. Celebrating love with you is one of my favorite things to do.

♥ PARA CHRISTINA Hello!! I’m excited for what we’re building <3 so many adventures and many more to come. I’m happy and thankful of coinciding with you in this life

♥ WHO IS YOUSE?! Hot make out sessions while you giggle, enjoying the bounce of a bed with actual springs, In n’ Out, sun and fun anywhere with you… ILY A&F XOXOXO -M

♥ TO A GR8 EGG-MIGA Dear eggsquisite friend, Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so kind, vibrant, and caring. I am grateful to know you and will always cheer u on!

♥ LOLA ! TE AMO !!! lola ! i love you so much ! im so proud of you, you inspire me endlessly, you will always be adored. happy valentines day darling !

♥ GAY Self-doubt, self, self, shit. I’m so happy to just ... hang out. Not mad about perpetually hanging out with you.

♥ FROM YOUR WITCH WIFE We broke each other’s hearts, but all I ever wanted was to make magic with you. I still do. Weave a new spell of trust & belonging with me?

♥ MY BRAN I love you endlessly. So much so it made it to print! You are the ultimate love, pillow, confidante, husband (!!!), and friend. Love you x100000 -Crab

♥ 1344 LIGHT YEARS! Olo Goose Muffin! I love you to the Orion Nebula and back! I am very grateful to spend this life on EarthSea with you, mini-Muffin, and Momo!

♥ DEAREST REDBIRD, If I take you into the trees with me, I must love you very much. Wolfie

♥ NURSE HAS MY HEART Her sweet, sweet love keeps me up all night. But her smile and hug keep me going every day. Here’s to many more nights together.

♥ CURED MEATS AT MINE? Want to eat crispy chicken, watch archeology shows, and wear socks? Daily hullabaloo, rumpus, din, and soup. Just past the tickling tree. KaBlooooom.

♥ BLISSFUL GREENWOOD Jessica you are the love of my life, and I am so incredibly grateful for the life we have built together. Big ups to Olive, Zephyr, Hazel, and Cheeto.

♥ ARM CANDY ANDY while ur title is self-proclaimed, the truth will remain that u r 1 of a kind. I’m happy we got past all the bullshit & now I can call u mine. xo tlb

♥ PLATONIC LOVER BOY I had a friend-crush on you from the moment we first met! So grateful for all the time spent together, and how our friendship has blossomed <3

♥ GOLDEN DONKEY!! My arms wrapped around you, singing your favorite love songs… we have arrived and it’s True Love

♥ PROBABLY MAYBE Mark, To me you are the most winsome sound, the most nuanced thought, and the most precious stone. I happily sit at your alter every day.

♥ TO MY BB GRINCH Happy valentines, boo. Thank you for taking me as I am and for not giving up hope early on. We’re doing this

thing and ilysm. Now lets eat some snacks

♥ TE AMO! Papi. I love you so much. You are awesome, sexy, smart and so yummy. Thank you for 18 years of pure happiness. Te amo con todo mi corazón!

♥ HONEY BUNS Our first valentines day will always be the best - wake’N’bake for the 10am Dinos in IMAX show. I promise to keep marriage just as silly!

♥ MISSING YOU Mason, being without you is hard but know I’m excited for your return home. I dig you and with all my heart I love you! <3Arrielle

♥ FOR BESTIE <3 You can always make my day brighter with your one-of-a-kind, gut-busting, knee-slapping lols! I’m so lucky I get to call you my Best Friend <3

♥ WUBBY LOVES WIGGLES Wiggles, I love you. I love quiet moments with you. I love going on walks with you. I love being silly with you.

♥ BEB OF MY LIFE. Beb! 11 years since our 1st valentine! Who would have known we’d come so far? I’m so grateful to be sharing this life with you. Yours always, Bab.

♥ I LOVE KAT -YOUR GOOD GIRL

♥ LOOKING AT EUCLID Iakobosince we met you’ve been my one true home. How lucky I am. Happy Valentine’s Day and (nearly) 13th anniversary. I love you! Emily

♥ NORMAN I know you can’t read this, but mama loves you.

♥ MY LOVE, COLBI One lifetime isn’t enough to show my love for you. You are everything and more and I’ll love you forever. <3 Reba

♥ DEAR HAYDEN It’s a million things about you and I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never known a love like this. To the boy who helped me see the boy within me.

♥ MY F VALENTINE! Happy V Day from the one who endures your farts! Even when my nose says to bail, my heart makes me stay. You are my joy, love, & ease <3 Always, M

♥ HEY, PARTNER! Because you wanted your Valentine’s Days to feature more pranks, here you go: Tag, you’re it! Love, Barry

♥ MY DUDE Independence be damned — I want to live the rest of my life with you by my side. Full schmoop, no brakes. Here’s to the first of 50, love. <3

♥ BARISTA INFATUATION Oh, to consider ruining my fave coffee shop in Belltown by asking you to be my Valentine, Haley <3 yours truly, your talkative fan boy

♥ TO US, ALWAYS Soup, you are my favorite person to do life with. I am so happy you are my family. Love, Mitten

♥ DEAR CHEESE BUBBLES I love the shit out of you. Let’s have a cake date in the spaceship. <3 Loaded Cocoa Puffs

♥ SAM You invent new colors and let me feel them first. You make me want to watch animal planet. I’m in love I don’t care who knows it! Your Molli.

♥ SO MANY MILES I understand the use of time zones but would love if they stopped just for us. Only a few more months and I’ll cook you dinner again, promise <3

♥ AMS 143 I love you like a fat kid loves cake <3

JAMES YATES

2024 SEX SURVEY RESULTS

Orgies Slightly Up, the Binary Is Breaking, and Seattle’s Top Shortage Confirmed

BY RICH SMITH AND MEGAN SELING

DAMN, SEATTLE!!!

More than 4,600 of you took the time to tell us all about your hottest thots, your sexiest sex, and the contents of your extremely well-appointed sex toy collections.

That’s 1,000 more responses to our annual sex survey than we received last year! We thank you. Science thanks you. The world thanks you.

Though we added more people to the rolls, this year’s results share much in common with last year’s. We did, however, note a few fascinating divergences. Plus, we asked some brand new questions that yielded some interesting results.

Okay, enough pillow talk. Grab your lube and a vibrator (we know most of you have one), and let’s hop in.

WHO YOU ARE

In brief: You are likely a cis man or woman between the ages of 26 and 45, and you’re probably at least a little gay.

GENDER SPLENDOR

This year, cis men accounted for 42% of the respondents and cis women came in second at 41%. Nonbinary baddies gave us 8% of the answers, 3.5% came from genderqueer folk, and trans men and women tied at around 1.7%. About 2% marked other, and a handful ID’d as two-spirit. The demographic profile matches last year’s sex survey almost perfectly, though we saw an increase in participation from our trans siblings this year.

GAY CITY

Most of the people who took this year’s survey did not identify as straight. Among the LGBTQ respondants, bisexuals accounted for 20% of the population. That share represented the largest cohort among our non-straight respondents. Gallup found that bisexuals make up 60% of the rainbow.

Among people who identified as queer, 33% were cis women, 28% were nonbinary, and 11% were cis men. Ninety-three of people who ID’d as gay were cis men. Of those questioning their sexuality, most, 68%, identified as cis women. Among the straights, 58% were cis men and 39% were cis women, so we were a little man-heavy in that department this year.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Like last year, nearly 40% of you fell between the ages of 25 and 35, 26% of you have survived somewhere between 36 and 45 years, 12% of you are currently reconciling yourselves with your 50s, 6.5% reached ages between 56 and 65, and 2% were older than that. Oh, if only these were turnout numbers.

OPENING UP

Most people in monogamous relation ships preferred to stay in monogamous relationships, but more than 22% of them would prefer adding -ish to that status, which matches last year’s results.

Most single respondents weren’t look ing for monogamy: 31% want a monogamish relationship, 8% want non-monogamy, 3% want a polycule, and 14% prefer to keep their options open. About 44% were looking to lock it down. (See pie chart for reference.)

Sexuality and age gave us a little more insight into who’s looking for what. Most straight people wanted monogamy (64%), and nearly half of lesbians (49%) did, too. Meanwhile, about 73% of people who ID’d as queer and pansexual/omnisexual weren’t looking for The One. Same goes with about 78% of gay men.

People between the ages of 18 to 25 expressed the strongest preference for monogamous relationships (54%), while those aged 46-55 and 76+ expressed less interest (39% and 30%, respectively).

MYTH BUSTING

Nearly 80% of lesbian respondents were under 35, so enough with that transphobic nonsense about lesbian extinction!

SEX POLITICS

Most gays (64%) were Dems. Most lesbians (43%) and queers (38%) were socialists. Solidarity.

FUCK, MARY, KILL: 2024 REPUBLICAN PRIMARY EDITION

Two things we know with nearly 100% certainty: Trump will be the Republican Presidential nominee in 2024, and most sex-survey-takers (76%) would rather kill him than

BODY COUNT

All told, most of you have had sex with fewer than 25 people, and a little more than quarter of you have had sex with fewer than 10 people. Cis men reported having sex with the highest numbers of partners, a figure driven mostly by gay men, 56% of whom said they’ve had more than 50 partners. God bless and never change.

marry him or hop into bed with him. Respondents also favored fucking and marrying former UN Ambassador Nikki Haley. Like his presidential campaign, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis flopped bigly.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS

Like last year, 70% of you were either married or in a relationship when you took the survey. Hope that’s still going well. That leaves 30% of you single and dreading to mingle.

SCREAMING INFIDELITIES

About 58% of survey-takers have not cheated on a partner sexually, and most who have (62%) did not confess their infidelity. Those numbers are pretty much flat compared to last year.

The older you were, the more likely you were to have reported cheating.

THE FUTURE LIBERALS WANT

The younger you were, the less you identified as cisgender. Nonbinary representation stood out strongest among young adults: 18% of respondents aged 18-25 identified as nonbinary, as did 10% of those aged 26-35. Yes… yes… MORE.

Cis men and women cheated at similar rates–40% and 39%, respectively. Trans women were the most loyal, with 76% saying they’d maintained boundaries flawlessly.

SATIS-FAC-TION

Though cis men reported higher body counts, cis women reported slightly higher satisfaction with the sex–about 66% said they were very satisfied or somewhat satisfied.

Twenty-five percent of cis women and nonbinary respondents said they were “very satisfied” with sex, beating out the rest of the listed genders. Trans women and intersex people reported the highest levels of dissatisfaction.

The older you were, the less satisfied you were with the sex you’re having. A possibly connected data point: The older you were, the more you preferred to be single.

BREEDERS

Most of The Stranger’s survey-takers (76%) did not have children, which is much higher than the national share (40%).

TOP LEVELS LOW

The Stranger has confirmed that it really is hard to find a top in Seattle. Among gay men, tops made up 23% of the pool. At 37%, verses composed the lion’s share of the population, followed by bottoms at 30% and sides at 9.5%. Meanwhile, 10% of cis women and 14% of trans women ID as tops. You go, girls.

MOZART MOZART

FUCK FROM HOME?

For people in prime working age (18-55), WFH hasn’t changed much about their sex lives. Slightly more respondents in that cohort (between 13-15%) say they’re banging more often than those who say they’re banging less often (10%) now that their bed is also their desk.

OFFICE ROMANCE

Nearly half of you (47%) have fucked a co-worker, and the vast majority of you (84%) have fucked fellow soldiers.

Both cis and trans women reported sleeping with their boss (~15%) slightly more than cis and trans men (9%).

As you might expect, the older you were, the more likely you were to say that you’d slept with a co-worker or an employee.

THREE IS NOT A CROWD

Nearly half of survey-takers (47%) said they’ve had a threesome, and nearly a quarter (24%) have participated in an orgy.

Orgies are up 3% and threesomes are flat compared to last year, so, based on 2019 levels, group sex participation is still slowly recovering from the COVID dip of 9%.

Majorities of gay men (83%), pansexuals (61%), queers (60%), and bisexuals (53%) have invited a third into the sack. Meanwhile, minorities of lesbians (39%), straight people (32%), and asexuals (21%) reported having threesoms.

Among those who have participated in an orgy (24%), most think they’re correctly rated, though more people think they’re overrated (27%) than underrated (11%).

KING KINKS

Most people told The Stranger they fly their full freak flag with their partner, though 27% of respondents said they hadn’t revealed a sexual need and 11% said they hadn’t done it because they felt as if their fetish was too filthy. Judging by the filth levels detected in the responses to our fantasy question below, we think a little restraint may be a wise choice in some cases, you absolute perverts ;) At around 67%, rimming and group sex topped the charts among gay men. Submissiveness (70%), spanking (62%), and nipple play (60%) got cis women going the most. In general, nipple play (48%) and spanking (47%) ranked highest for the straights, though nobody liked bending over a knee more than people who identified as queer (68%). Nonbinary and two-spirit respondents showed the highest levels of interest in bondage, at around 73%. *Whip-crack.*

If you’re fixated on amputees (who deserve sex, too!!), poo-poo, robots, or getting swallowed whole, then you’re going to have a tougher time finding someone to help you meet that need.

MASTURBATION NATION

All but 7% of us masturbated at least a couple times a month, but cis and trans men masturbated more frequently than cis and trans women. 

PORN CORNER

Most respondents only watched porn a couple days a week (35%), if at all (30%), but about 9% said they watched it “every day, baby.”

Surprise: 79% of daily porn viewers were cis men. See bar graph for reference. Most cis men reported watching porn at least three times per week, while more than half of cis women said they didn’t watch porn at all. Relationship status appeared to have no impact on daily porn watchers–roughly one-third of respondents watched porn daily if they were married, in a relationship, or single. A daily porn habit was most common among those aged 26-45. Keep on wanking in the free world, everybody.

 Among people who said they masturbated “every damn day,” or who were too busy masturbating to answer the question, 61% identified as cis men and about 20% ID’d as cis women.

USE A FULL-LENGTH MIRROR, PEOPLE

Most people (65%) reported sending sexts, but when they do they’re only sending a photo of their whole body 13% of the time. This is a tragedy, as the highest share of sextees (34%) want to see everything all at once. Somewhat surprisingly, people only sent pussy pics 1% of the time.

WE VIBIN’

Most of you keep a vibrator, a dildo, and lube within arm’s length. Like last year, 95% of cis women reported owning a vibrator, and now 53% of cis men report owning that toy, too. You go, boys.

All that said, the people most likely to own an arsenal include those who ID as trans, nonbinary, or genderqueer.

HORNY PILLS

About 15% of respondents said they used a little chemical assistance to get the juices flowing. Unsurprisingly, age seemed to be the determining factor there.

Nearly 45% of gay men responded “yes” to this question, and we assume popper consumption accounts for a lot of that.

THE FRIEND CONNECTION

Most of you (58.5%) meet sexual partners through friends. Around one-third of you find lovers at parties, bars, on Tinder, and in “other” places.

Those numbers more or less hold across gender and sexuality, except 59% of gay men said they usually find partners on Grindr, and 42% said they find them on Scruff. Both of those numbers were up from last year; Grindr up 4%, Scruff up 10%.

LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE

Only 13% of respondents said they subscribed to an online sex worker site such as OnlyFans or ManyVids, though 35% of those who watch porn “every day, baby” subscribe to such sites.

SEX WERK

Only 4% of you said you performed sex work of any kind, and for most it’s not your sole source of income. People who ID’d as queer represented the highest share of sex workers in our survey, and the highest share (34%) ID’d as cis women. Most sex workers were between the ages of 26 and 45.

WE’RE JUST NOT THAT HORNY FOR JEREMY ALLEN WHITE

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not much at all and 10 being VERY horny, Stranger readers rated The Bear lead and sweaty Calvin Klein heart-throb an underwhelming 4. A quick scroll through the crosstabs reveals polarization–lots of tens and eights vs ones and zeros. We all stand baffled.

HEALTH STUFF

The share of people who reported having an STI increased a bit this year, up from 4% to 7%.

Overall, most people are currently in or would enter into a relationship with someone who caught a long-term STI, which is encouraging for those of us who want to end the stigma. But a closer look at the crosstabs reveals that the LGBTQ community is much more accepting, as only minorities of straight people (32%) and people questioning their sexuality (45%) would enter into such a relationship. Most gay men (60%) got their Mpox shot, up 3% from last year. Nice work!

ABORTION

Intersex and cis women reported the highest numbers of abortions, at 50% and 18%, respectively. The Guttmacher Institute found that about 25% of women will have an abortion by the end of their child-bearing years. We’re not sure if the 89 cis men who reported having an abortion were just trolls or if they were including themselves in the decision.

VROOM VROOM

Almost everybody (98% of respondents) has fucked in a car, which is perhaps the most American statistic we can imagine. Only 31% of people have fucked on a boat, which seems a little low given our proximity to water.

Twenty-two people reported fucking on the monorail. If you all were not lying, then please write to editor@thestranger.com and explain when and how you fucked on that iconic form of public transit, and we will consider publishing the story as an I, Anonymous. ■

FILL IN THE BLANKS

WHAT SEXY SOUNDS LIKE

Stranger readers who like to get down with the stereo on listen to anything and everything. Genres mentioned include R&B, grunge, ˇ80s hair metal, blues, ambient, jazz, “mellow love songs,” classical, “gangsta rap,” dance mixes, and 2010s pop (“Think Ke$ha or Katy Perry”).

Portishead and the Weeknd tied for the most mentions, though one straight cis man wrote, “If people are sincerely still listening to ‘Pony’ by Ginuwine or ‘Glory Box’ by Portishead during sex, they should be temporarily banned from the act.” Other artists who received multiple nods include Barry White, Cigarettes After Sex, Bad Bunny, Rihanna, Kaytranada, Beyoncé, and Arctic Monkeys.

Here are some more songs that set the mood—most are probably honest answers, but, c’mon, no one fucks to “Macarena,” right???

“Waterfalls Coming Out Your Mouth” by Glass Animals

“Pretty Please” by Dua Lipa

“I’ve Been Thinking” by Handsome Boy Modeling School

“Thinkin Bout You” by Frank Ocean

“Original Bedroom Rockers” by Kruder & Dorfmeister

“You’re the One” by Kaytranada

“Something About Us” by Daft Punk

“La Luna Enamorada” by Kali Uchis

“Deep” by Lizzo

“Macarena” by Los del Río “Do Me” by Kim Petras

“Change” by Deftones

“Body” by Léon

“Dress” by Taylor Swift

“Lexapro Delirium” by Sewerslvt

“Closer” by Nine Inch Nails

“Finally took my partner’s cock the size of my forearm anally.”

“Husband held me to the wall by my throat and fingered me.”

“I met my FWB at a strip club in Portland, where we paid for some dances, took edibles, and went back to my hotel room where he proceeded to gag me with his dick, jack off with my hair, and cum on my face.”

“Started working on my mental health.”

“Fucked by a friend in the pantry while my partner masturbated outside with cooking oil.”

“Had sex on the Fremont canal banks.”

“Get a blowjob in the ferry line from Bremerton.”

“Tried bondage for the first time (and loved it!).”

“Amazon position.”

BUCKET LIST? MORE LIKE FUCK-IT LIST

Without a doubt, the most popular bucket-list sex act among Stranger readers involved having sex with more than one person at the same time. More than 400 people are hoping for a threesome within their lifetime, and hundreds of others are shooting for a four-or-more orgy. Modes of transportation were also very popular in this category—cars, planes, boats, and trains (both kinds)—as was pegging, both doing it and having it done to you.

Here are more sex acts you hope to do before you die:

“Make a woman squirt.”

“Be gangbanged and used as a group cumdump.”

“Tarzan role play.”

“Someone sneezing inside of me while cumming.”

“Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge

“Motivation” by Kelly Rowland

“West Coast” by Lana Del Rey

“Enter Sandman” by Metallica

“I lost my virginity to ‘Come on Ride the Train’ by the Quad City DJs if that counts.” (Yes. Yes it does.)

THE SEXIEST YEAR YET

Appropriately, 69 of you said the sexiest thing you did in 2023 was participate in a threesome. Forty-four of you said participating in an orgy was a highlight, including one respondent who claimed they had an orgy in a “castle” outfitted with an “orgy room” that had a “glass ceiling”??? Sounds a little too fabulously vampiric to us, but okay.

Here are more of your sexiest moments of last year:

“Pegged while sucking a dildo while wearing a chastity tube.”

“Had sex in a really pretty bedroom in a corner unit of an old house overlooking Lake Union.”

“Fall in love.”

“Spit into the mouth of a Seattle pro athlete.”

“Masturbated alone in the desert at sunset.”

“Breath play.”

“Reunited with a favorite sex worker.”

“Got a vasectomy.”

“Had sex so full-body delicious that the next day I almost had to call in sick from work because my brain was not able to recover properly.”

“Paid my bills.”

“Got back with my old FWB and gave/received road head.”

“Went to a Depeche Mode concert with my husband.”

“Made my girlfriend my puppy.”

“Engaged in a purely sadomasochistic sexual relationship with someone who wanted me to hurt them until they cried while fucking them. Which is my ‘thing’ but have never allowed myself to indulge.”

“Strip Yahtzee.”

“Ask for a divorce and remember that I have a libido.”

“Added a girl to our marriage.”

“Sucked dick in the Arboretum.”

“Did cocaine and ate pussy for hours.”

“A complete stranger flirted with me by rubbing her fingers back and forth on my hand in a sexually suggestive manner.”

“Peeled a cucumber.”

“Hit a celebrity on my list lol”

“I want to have group sex outside for a super, super long time. Snacks, drinks, saunas... it would be so good.”

“Be paid by men watching me masturbate.”

“Spit roasted by two women with strapons.”

“Eat a banana split from a sexy ass.”

“Finding the one who will give me like one day of a gentle Fifty Shades experience bc like I’m a sassy sub.”

“Suspend my husband in rope or leather bondage.”

“I want to have an orgasm that does not involve touching or penetration of my vulva or touching my nipples.”

“Sex in space.”

“In a church!!”

“I want to be able to have someone else put something up my butt without kicking them or freaking out.”

“A bunch of people sitting on my face in a row.”

“Get gang-banged and spit-roasted by a squad of cops.”

“Unknown partner blowjob.”

“Sex in that area cleared of foliage on the US/ Canadian border.”

“A ‘perfect week.’”

“Lose my goddamn virginity.”

“Fuck a lot more dads.”

“Have sex with a straight couple and have the man teach me how to eat his girl out and fuck her.”

“I want to eat ass while my partner farts in my mouth.”

“I’d like to be in a porn film at least once in my life.”

“Australian dog rescue. Fist fight a kangaroo while your partner rims your B-hole and milks the man gland.”

“BJs in the Volunteer Park water tower.”

“I want to have sex in a bathroom during a concert.”

“Fuck in a cemetery.”

“Dying having sex.”

LOVE IN LOCKUP

How I Proposed to My Wife from Prison

BY ANTOINE DAVIS

As I sat at the JPay machine waiting for the video-visit to begin, my mind raced like a child released at a playground. Taking a few deep breaths, I ran my palms over my freshly cut hair. It had taken me nearly two months to prepare for this day. Either it would be the best birthday of my life or the worst.

For the incarcerated population, JPay is a communication lifeline. We use the machine for emails and 30-minute video visits scheduled by our loved ones. The moment my video-visit connected, tons of people on the other end of the screen shouted in unison, “Surprise! Happy birthday, Antoine!”

My close friend, Sandy, had successfully packed her apartment with friends and family. Faces I hadn’t seen in years bombarded the camera, energetically expressing how much they missed and loved me. In response to all the excitement, I laughed, smiled, and grinned hard enough to exhaust my cheekbones. At the same time, I scanned what little I could see of the apartment, looking for the woman I fell in love with.

“Hey mom, where’s Britteni?” I asked. “She’s over at the table helping with the food,” my mother responded. With the camera centered on the living room, I was able to see part of the dining area. A bunch of balloons and a Happy Birthday banner hung over the table covered with various dishes. My father stood next to the balcony, waving to let me know he was present. With little warning, my nieces and nephews invaded the screen to say hi before running off to play video games with the other kids. The apartment was vibrant and full of life, remind ing me of what life was like before my incarceration.

Britteni emerged from behind the crowd, exaggerating her sashay as she made her way toward the computer screen. “Here I am, babe! Happy birthday,” she said flirtatiously.

At the sound of her voice my heart fluttered like a million butterflies trapped in a box. “Thank you,” I said. “You did this for me?”

wages to purchase the ring. Another prisoner, Timothy Kettlewell, had even volunteered to build a ring box from scratch. To top it off, Britteni’s mother had given me her blessing to ask for her daughter’s hand in marriage. Everything was in place. My only hope was to walk away from the night knowing I would spend the rest of my life with the woman who had my heart.

About midway through our video-visit, I gave my mom the hand signal to usher everyone into the living room. Brit teni sat on the floor next to a glass table. When the room fell silent, I began thanking everyone for the party, ex pressing my love and apprecia tion for each of them. After going through the formalities, I shifted my focus onto Britteni.

The chemistry she and I shared was unlike anything I’d experienced before.

“Yep,” she said. “Sandy called and asked if I wanted to throw you a surprise party for your birthday. She thought it would be nice to get all the family together to see you.” I placed my hand over my mouth and shook my head, trying to appear authentically surprised. The more she expressed her excitement, the more I was convinced my plan had worked.

Everyone at the apartment, with the exception of Britteni, was aware of the real occasion. She had absolutely no clue that I set up the entire party. I made the calls and arranged for friends and family to meet at Sandy’s. I had the video visits double-booked, giving us two hours worth of visiting time. I had saved two months’ worth of incarcerated

We met each other after a party when we were 16 years old, but we’d been out of contact for nearly 11 years. An accidental Jpay message from me to her is what brought us back together, something we both still laugh about today. Our casual friendship turned into us dating for a year, learning things about one another we had never known. We were like a perfect balance between hydrogen and oxygen—something that watered the soul.

Despite my feelings, I knew marriage was a tremendous step. If she refused my proposal, the embarrassment would be hard to bear. Neutralizing my anxiety, I pushed back every negative thought, reminding myself that if I truly loved her, I’d be willing to take the risk.

“Britteni, I have something I need to confess,” I said. “We all know that today’s my birthday, and it appears as if this party is for me. However, this party isn’t for me at all—it’s actually for you.” Britteni squinted and looked around, trying to make sense of what I had said.

“A few months ago,” I continued, “I began to realize how incredibly amazing you are as a person. Although many people find it hard to see me beyond my incarceration, you

chose to see me for who I am. You saw me beyond my faults and failures, and loved me in a way I’ve never been loved before.”

I paused again, trying to compose myself, but I couldn’t hold back the tears. Britteni’s daughter, Ahlaysia, and close friends were all listening as I turned my heart upside down and poured out every ounce of admiration I held for her. At the same time, a number of prisoners stood in the window behind me, anxiously waiting for me to announce the verdict. My voice cracked as I proceeded.

“I threw this party because I wanted to convey, in the presence of everyone I care for, that I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” I said, pausing to let my words sink in before I asked her. “Will you, Britteni Johnson, be my wife, and the best birthday gift I could ever ask for?”

At the word, the entire apartment erupted in celebration. I reached into my pocket and popped open the ring box in front of the camera. “Is that a ring box?” she asked. “Yeah, but I can’t find the ring!” I said in an exaggerated tone. Without missing a beat, Durron, Sandy’s eldest son, responded as we had practiced. “Here it is!” he yelled. He walked up to Britteni and placed the ring onto her finger, and everyone erupted once again in celebration. Having been incarcerated since the age of 21, some days are a battle to see my life as having intrinsic value. Despite accumulating a college and seminary education while in prison, I remain restricted to a system that reduces me to a still photo attached to a prisoner’s identification number. My wife offered me something that altered the mannequin-like feeling of being incarcerated, something that gives an exhilarating meaning to the experience of what it means to be human—love.  Although I longed to reciprocate that love with flowers, gifts, and a candlelit dinner with the finest wine, these are things incarcerated individuals are unable to provide. Nevertheless, when love is genuine, it has a way of displaying itself in some of the most innovative ways—like transcending towering prison walls meant to hold everything in and let nothing out.

The room was silent enough to hear a needle drop on the carpet. All eyes were on Britteni. I watched the screen nervously, holding my breath like a deep-sea diver without an oxygen tank. Finally, I heard a word that lit up my insides like a thousand Christmas trees. “Yes!” she said.

After nearly two decades of incarceration, I still have 48 years remaining on my sentence. But while we gracefully wait for a second chance at my freedom, I plan to navigate this relationship by being a safe place for Britteni to share her heart, an emotional supporter when life feels overwhelming, and the biggest encourager of her dreams and aspirations. And when these concrete walls no longer separate us, we’ll plan a wedding ceremony we’ll remember for eternity. ■

TAKE A TOUR OF SEATTLE’S FORMER DENS OF VICE

Seattle Was Built on Sex Work—and Many of Those Buildings Are Still Standing

Here’s how much sex work played a role in the foundation of the City of Seattle as we know it today: There was a whole-ass multi-sea son TV series about it.

But let’s back up a bit, because this is a long story.

Seattle is a relatively young city. Early colonizers were fur trappers, hunters, and those bound for the sea. Later, the West Coast became a place for people who felt constrained by Industrial-era city life. Men of all ages came toward the Pacific Ocean in droves to farm the rich land, fish in crys tal-clear streams, and fell giant trees (with precisely zero regard for the fact that those streams were holy places awash in ancestral tradition by the people who had been and still were living on that land).

This migratory pattern presented a problem to the men who called themselves “founders.” Most of the region’s new res idents were young, single men—and there was no one for them to marry. Sure, there were Indigenous women—living beings whose names have been lost to history and were often treated with as much callousness as any of the other natural resources—but the settlers wanted to start families they needed good American (read: white) girls to make that happen.

Asa Mercer—yes, that Mercer—was a young man when he came up with a brilliant idea: He would go back East to the towns rav aged by the Civil War and find eligible white women willing to move to Seattle with the promise of marriage. He received local and state dollars to make the pilgrimage and, after a few trips, returned with dozens of young women.

those coming and going to the frozen north. In many ways, the presence of white women in Seattle prior to the turn of the 20th century is largely due to sex work.

maintained a tight ship. She did not tolerate fighting, stealing, or stabbing, which is saying something, because pretty much all her competition did.

The Klondike and the Paris House

300 Second Avenue South and the NW corner of Second Avenue South and Main

You have to use your imagination with this block because, believe it or not, the parking lot, the little food hut, and the Waterfall Park are not from 1900. But if you squint toward Good Bar, you can get an idea of what used to be here because the buildings all looked like that.

On the site of the parking lot, Charley Shomo ran the Klondike. It was what we would call in today’s parlance a “nuisance property.” In addition to the sex work—and there was lots of it, by all varieties of people—a number of other bad things occurred here. There were numerous stabbings, a lot of fights, and, at one point, Shomo’s girlfriend (who worked there) drank carbolic acid to end her life. Shomo, despondent, attempted to do the same… but he ended up shooting himself through the neck and surviving. At around the same time, on the same block but kitty-corner, a woman named “French Camile” and her associate Lila Young ran the Paris House, once called “the vilest dens in the country” by the Seattle Daily Times People really hated this joint! Which is perhaps why it was so cheap for a then-19-year-old to get storage space in the basement and create a little business that would come to be called United Parcel Service.

Diller Hotel

1216 First Avenue

The “Mercer Girls”—the founding mothers of Seattle—would definitely not have considered themselves sex workers. But what else could you call what was essentially state-sanctioned human trafficking for the purpose of “finding love”? Weren’t they just a kind of mail-order bride?

This period in Seattle’s history has some sticking power. A century after Mercer came back, ABC debuted a Western comedy show called … Here Come the Brides . The show, starring Joan Blondell, Bridget Hanley, Bobby Sherman, and David Soul, was on for two years and it featured guest appearances from both Bruce Lee and Barry Williams (from The Brady Bunch) and earned Blondell two Emmy nominations.

Somehow, though, that’s not the wildest part of Seattle’s history.

Word eventually spread about the favorable male-to-female ratio in Seattle and folks started coming out West to engage in

To keep these stories alive, we have to talk about them with the intrigue and reverence they deserve. So if you’d like to take yourself on a date this week (or any time), here are some of the locations in and around Pioneer Square that are intimately linked to Seattle’s very own soiled doves.

Lou Graham’s Sporting Club

221 South Washington Street

Ignore the plaque on this building—it’s all wrong. Just focus on the surprisingly detailed architecture and the funny door on the corner. Look up and imagine ladies of the night waving down at you.

Lou Graham was a mysterious and powerful German immigrant who sort of appeared in Seattle and opened a brothel. She was, by all accounts, a fierce businesswoman (she had so. much. jewelry) and an employer of all sorts of folks. She had this building constructed after her previous location, which was across the street, burned down

The People’s Theater

164 South Washington Street

Did you ever hear the story of John Considine and how he killed the former Chief of Police? Considine basically got the guy fired and, when the man came to exact his revenge, Considine’s hat was pierced by a bullet and he ultimately murdered the excop. Anyway, he was a real dandy, Considine, and he ran a number of businesses, including several “theaters.”

But the People’s Theater wasn’t exactly a family-friendly place. This was the kind of place—called a “Box House”—where, if you danced with a girl, you would likely wake up with a bad headache and no money. According to a newspaper article that was mostly just designed to scare the normies, “the women are told not to rob men who would likely report their loss to the police, but to lay their nets for those who would not dare make their loss public.”

The Diller Room has been a downtown staple for years, but few know that it was named for an actual person! Leonard Diller was a butcher-turned-Council member. He commissioned his new fireproof-ish brick hotel following the fire in 1890 and touted its highend, luxurious offerings like toilets.

Many known madams worked from this location and they enjoyed an amount of protection; at least once, Diller blocked a rival from getting a liquor license because his establishment was too close and would provide too much competition. But this hotel did numbers with regular guests; it was common practice at the turn of the century to publish who was visiting the city and many guests were booked at the Diller.

The Diller became especially popular with sex workers, though, after 1902, when the dead line flushed them out of Pioneer Square and up First Avenue. Some of the known brothel owners, like French Camile and another woman, Rae McRobert, began operating at the numerous hotels on that block. ■

Read the full version of the story—with more historic locations!—on thestranger.com.

I FIND MY LOVE AWAKE

The Ram-ifications of Breaking Your Own Rules

BY KATHLEEN TARRANT

There’s no reason that I should have spent so much time this past summer thinking about Paul and Linda McCartney. Or listening to Ram, the only record they created together before Wings officially took off. Ram is great—arguably the first whisper of indie-pop. It’s a record that beautifully combines thinly veiled insults aimed at John Lennon with prescient bedroom production that allows room for what all artists in their 30s want to do—declare grandiose plans to go off the grid, and noodle shamelessly on a riff for over five minutes.

I was wondering on this record the same way Paul hammered on “Monkberry Moon Delight,” worrying its contradictions between my fingers like a locket that wouldn’t open. And it was all because I was breaking one of my big rules and falling in love with someone I had loved before.

I was terrified, so I turned to a familiar album for comfort. I returned to Ram as I was returning to a person. It felt right, circular, symmetrical. And I was right to be terrified—I fell in love all alone, floating like Chagall’s La Mariée through a dark blue familiar sky, a solo voyager utterly lost in a universe I thought I had already mapped. Then I was rejected.

It is strange to fall in love with someone you’ve loved and lost before—more of an exercise in dismantling your carefully managed plot points—and I made a rookie mistake early on. I thought I could keep things casual. I already knew things wouldn’t work.

I was older and I knew better.

This is why I had The Rule. It’s why I returned to albums, but not boys. It’s why Ram was on repeat.

Ram is a break-up album about the Beatles as much as it is a love letter to Linda and the life she and Paul would build on their little farm in the heart of the country before she passed away from cancer in 1998. Ram is an album written by a man who was swearing off his old life, all the while refusing to learn the age-old truth: everything changes, nothing remains, you cannot control who stays and who goes. He would learn that, because we all have to eventually.

I was brokenhearted, but everything felt bigger, better, more alive.

I never meant to make The Rule. Someone must have asked if I would ever date an ex, and I probably laughed and said “never” or “absolutely not” or something equally as self-assured. From that baseless, brazen confidence, I can carbon date this imaginary line in the sand to somewhere in my late twenties. That’s the age when we feel we know the most, when we’ve lived just enough to have some experience, but not enough to have learned life’s relentless disregard for narrative.

I believed the rule would protect me from falling for the same wrong person, from repeating mistakes and backsliding into comfort as I am wont to do. I rewatch shows and reread books and listen to the same albums on

repeat. I thought I made the rule to protect myself from the insanity of trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. It just protected me from growing up. Only after breaking this rule did I learn how impossible it was in the first place. It’s impossible to fall in love the same way twice. Time had done its work. I fell in love with the weight of a shared history behind me, without the blinding sheen of a blank slate. I fell in love with who they had become, made clearer because I had loved who they had been. A love evolved more than a love regenerated.

We hold on to each other as characters so hard that we forget that the other person doesn’t just live in our head. My silly rule served a benign narcissism—it allowed me to grow and change and didn’t allow the other person to at all.

It’s all wrapped up in the idea that relationships can be gotten over, that you can truly ever wash your hands of a person when love twists threads of who we are with someone else like yarn. Love makes us adopt jokes, habits, worldviews. Loving someone helps us find our limits like puppies mouthing a hand until we bite too hard and learn what hurts. Love regenerates itself, spawning more of its terrible impulses until we go through a breakup, fall in love, move to the country, and

write an album that can’t decide if it’s happy or sad, hopeful or defeated.

It’s the cosmos wrapped up in four letters, inspired by human beings. Maybe we don’t, and shouldn’t, ever get over anyone. Maybe to do that would cut us off from ourselves. Maybe we actually can’t. Paul certainly couldn’t on Ram , he couldn’t even decide what the core of the album was. It’s his bitchy little, “See, I’m better off without you” to John, it’s the earnest outpouring of total gratitude to Linda who had picked him up off the ground and reminded him that he loved music after the Beatles dissolved into legal fights. It’s performative and personal. It’s blustering and vulnerable. It refuses to be aware of its own contradictions and depth and as a result is made deeper and more resonant. It is an album for when we are coming into adulthood and deciding that we are going to make hard and fast rules and never be made the fool again.

So I got my heart broken, and I realized I was made the fool. Not because I fell in love, but because I thought I could flatten it. I was brokenhearted, but everything felt bigger, better, more alive. I got to see the evolution in someone, I had grabbed a cosmic thread and didn’t try to thread it into a rigid pattern.

As I healed, the haze lifted, and winter closed in, I listened to a favorite album and heard it with new ears—love songs about making it up as you go, about letting go, about how silly and big life can get when we make room for all the people who can love us, hurt us, leave us, and come back new. ■

WASHINGTON NEEDS A STRIPPERS’ BILL OF RIGHTS

New Proposal Reduces Fees on Dancers, Increases Security

BY ASHLEY NERBOVIG

At prime time on a Saturday night in January I paid a cover charge of $27 dollars to enter Dream Girls at Rick’s, a strip club of some repute in Lake City. Even at 11 pm, the dancers outnumbered the customers, about a dozen men sitting alone or in groups of three in plush, black chairs.

As one fully nude dancer slowly slinked to the floor and clacked her high-heels together, a middle-aged man sitting alone at the edge of the platform tossed out a single dollar bill, the woman’s only tip for the first half of her performance. After her song ended, the DJ played a round of canned applause, and then a waitress scurried to the stage to sweep up a handful of bills.

I leaned over and asked the man about the measly number of customers. He told me that clubs drew larger crowds before the pandemic, but they still hadn’t rebounded. And the way things are going, it’s hard to see how things will change without new state laws.

That’s where Strippers Are Workers (SAW) comes in. The campaign returned to Olympia this session with a bill to keep Washington’s strip clubs safe and sustainable for dancers by capping house fees and increasing safety measures. The bill mirrors legislation that the group proposed last session, minus an arguably controversial provision that created a liquor license for strip clubs. However, SAW hasn’t abandoned the fight for alcohol in clubs. Not only do clubs need the additional revenue stream to make entertainers less vulnerable to exploitation, a study shows that booze just brings better vibes.

The Details

The dancer-backed House Bill 2036, introduced by Rep. Amy Walen (D-Kirkland), expands labor protections for adult entertainers, requiring clubs to hire full-time security,

make panic buttons more accessible, and install keypads in the dancers’ locker rooms.

The bill also caps fees that clubs charge dancers to work, known as “house fees,” and reduces some of the over-policing in the industry. (For instance, the measure stops cities from implementing laws that penalize dancers for touching their own bodies during a performance and dancing close to customers.)

Sen. Rebecca Saldaña (D-Seattle) introduced companion legislation, Senate Bill 6105, which echos the House bill but adds instructions for the Washington State Liquor and Cannabis Board (LCB) to pull or suspend the liquor licenses of clubs that violate worker protections–though none of them have such licenses at the moment.

Last year’s bills failed largely due to opposition from a few lawmakers in key committee seats who raised concerns about increasing the accessibility of alcohol, booze making working conditions more dangerous for dancers, and enriching human traffickers by making strip clubs more profitable.

Neither new proposal establishes liquor licenses for clubs, but the House bill points out that the LCB could just change the rules to allow them if it would like. SAW Campaign Manager Madison Zack-Wu said for now the group plans to focus on pushing for more labor protections for dancers, though they hope the LCB might feel comfortable revising the rules in the future

Over the phone, LCB spokesperson Brian Smith said they’d prefer to see the Legislature create an actual liquor license for strip clubs or explicitly tell the LCB that they want the board to make changes to the current rules, otherwise the LCB thinks it could open itself up to a lawsuit.

SAW argues that alcohol sales would help pay for some safety precautions while also crucially relieving the pressure on dancers

to generate all the profit for clubs. Without liquor sales, clubs make their money by charging dancers high house fees, which means strippers start the night in debt and often end it by turning over to management most of the money they shook their asses for.

And it’s not like banning booze in clubs stops customers from drinking–in practice, many people just arrive drunk or else get loaded in the parking lot, making consumption difficult to monitor. In a public hearing before lawmakers last month, dancers said the lack of paid staff and security at clubs means they’re often left to deal with drunk customers all on their own.

Finally, one must consider the vibes. A 2020 report by the Adult Entertainer Advisory Committee showed that clubs with booze attracted a wider variety of customers–not just those looking to ogle–which leads to a safer environment for dancers.

Drinking with the Boys

Back at Rick’s, I noticed many of the behaviors the dancers flagged in their testimony. The vibes felt variously menacing or catatonic, and customers definitely found ways to get lit without a bar.

A group of three dudes who I hadn’t seen throw a single dollar suddenly found their wallets when a new dancer took the stage. After watching her routine, one of the guys told me they hailed from Vancouver, B.C. They were “bummed” about the lack of booze and complained about having to juggle their time in the club with their time knocking back liquor in the lot. The guy offered to let me join them for a drink outside, which I appreciated but declined.

Overall, my experience at the club was fine, but it felt downright funereal in comparison to the sexy-funhouse-energy that characterizes the fundraising events SAW

has held over the past year at the Cha Cha Lounge on Capitol Hill.

At those stripteases, dancers performed for a packed bar filled with people of all genders rather than a sparse crowd of mostly men. Sure, the dancers had to wear pasties and keep their labias covered, but the relative modesty changed nothing for the crowd, who whooped and hollered as dancers performed their hot acrobatics. People actually rained dollar bills down on the dancers, something I only saw once that Saturday at Rick’s, when a dancer’s regular showered her with cash.

To be fair, these Wednesday night fundraising events for supporters probably draw a different crowd than the kind that would typically show up at the strip club even if the clubs served alcohol. But they showed at least an example of how positive a destigmatized sex-worker event can be. Dancers compared the fundraisers to nights when they performed in Oregon, where clubs serve alcohol and somehow still maintain a functioning society.

Back in Olympia

Without the provisions in the new bills regarding alcohol, Zack-Wu hopes to have more success this session. During her testimony to the House Labor and Workplace Standards Committee in January, she told the committee that without financial stability and safety at clubs, the dancers face continued harm in and outside of the venues..

“We are the dancers working and organizing in these clubs, knowing what needs to change, and we are asking that you stand with us and make our workplaces safer,” Zack-Wu said.

House Speaker Laurie Jinkins failed to respond to several requests for comment from The Stranger ■

Strippers Are Workers, a campaign for strippers by strippers, knows how to throw a party.

THE BOOKS OF LOVE A Poem

Recommendation for Every Stage of a Relationship

GETTING TOGETHER

Snow by Mary Ruefle —

“Every time it starts to snow, I would like to have sex”

Half an Hour by CP Cavafy

“I had half an hour that was totally erotic.” Francesca Says Too Much by Olena Kalytiak Davis

“fuck. we didn’t read again for weeks.”

STAYING TOGETHER

Peanut Butter by Eileen Myles

“I’m immoderately / in love with you...”

Is it summer?

Recreation by

“I love you flesh into blossom...”

Are you sure you want to try this again?

Is it snowing?

My Internet Dating Profile by Sarah Galvin

“I’m late for a date because I’m watching a video / of a chimpanzee fucking a frog...”

How long have you been together?

“All I can think is things that are / stupid...”

king the color of space/tower of molasses & marrow by Danez Smith

“You are too beautiful for bullets.”

Are you feeling anxious about losing your partner?

“You and love are still my argument.”

“What Do Women Want” by Kim Addonizio

“I want that red dress bad.” somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond by E. E. Cummings

“your slightest look easily will unclose me”

We’re just getting started

Feeling ecstatic? Feeling existential?

Epistemic Love Poem by Jaswinder Bolina

“Your voice is a brontosaur. It’s bigger than everything.”

Connubial by Heather McHugh

“I’m given to / symmetrical identities, or / solitudes of two.”

Is the

“We could manage cocktails out of ice and water...”

“You have to live where the house lands on you...”

Audre Lorde

Domestic by Carl Phillips

Sonnet 76 by William Shakespeare

Animals by Frank O’Hara

The Whole Thing

Hard Part by Heather Christle

Valentine’s Day finds us all in different seasons of the heart. Some of us are gushing with love for one, two, or even ten partners. Others are

Is it forbidden?

falling in, out, or around love. Some are mourning love’s loss, some are praising its absence, and some are working hard on learning to love themselves. Poets have been thinking about all

Yes, because of god

Is it because you value your independence?

“Embrace Them All” by Katy Didden

“Then he suggested we go at it right there...”

Is it because you fear rejection?

of this stuff for millennia, and in their carefully crafted or mad little scribbles we can find some guidance, or, at least, some much-needed company. To help you suffer or savor whatever

BY RICH SMITH

Yes, because I promised myself I’d chill and get my own shit together

The Slip by Kary Wayson

“Now from the valley comes the howling of a dog.”

Yes, because I’m betrothed

Poem by Lucy Ives

“How do I tell my hands they will never touch that person’s hands?”

If You Were Coming in the Fall by Emily Dickinson

“It goads me, like the Goblin Bee / That will not state—it’s sting.”

BREAKING UP

How do you want to feel?

Feeling Fucked Up by Etheridge

Knight

“Fuck Coltrane and music and clouds drifting in the sky...”

This Is Just to Say by

William Carlos Williams

“I have eaten / the plums / that were in / the icebox...”

Which stage are you in?

Are you trying to get over it?

Poem Without Forgiveness by

“Just because you’ve had enough / doesn’t mean you wanted too much.”

weather you’re facing, I’ve hung poem recommendations in decision trees based on the primary stages of relationships. I hope you find what you’re looking for. <3

[Time does not bring relief; you all have lied] by Edna St. Vincent Millay

“I miss him at the shrinking of the tide.”

“...you cannot love who cannot love...”

“It happened to me / I dated a

Do you need a push, or want to wallow?

Are they into you?

The More Loving One by W.H. Auden

“Let the more loving one be me.”

Failing and Flying by Jack Gilbert

“How can they say / the marriage failed?”

Object Permanence by Hala

“There are things I like about heartbreak, too.”

Alyan

Dean Young

Follow Him by Jenny Zhang

white anarchist...”

Ode on Pride (In Triplicate) by Hannah Sanghee Park

Thinking of breaking up

We’re in the middle of it

We broke up

Yes

Push me

I’m afraid not

I just want them back

Not at all

Sinister and in control

I’d like to try

I need to toughen up

I know I will never

Let me wallow