Folks, the holiday season has officially arrived and it’s time to welcome the CHAOS! Busy at work?
Well, that’s too fucking bad… because THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE! Got some personal problems and you need just a little time and space so you can work it all out? HAHAHAHA-HAAAAA, that’s rich… because the motherfucking HOLIDAYS ARE HERE!
You gotta endure mindless office parties. You gotta buy gifts for too many loved ones and randos (including the boyfriend you plan to break up with on January 2). You have to navigate holiday get-togethers at your racist Uncle Rick’s house, which comes complete with sanctimonious relatives, screaming children, and unmarked plates of pot brownies.
In short, the holidays are a nightmare world of pointless busy work designed to put money in the pockets of capitalists, as well as the religious industrial complex. And yet? Okay, fine… it’s still fun and festive. So instead of getting overwhelmed by the tsunami of work and cheer, let’s choose to welcome the onslaught of gift-giving, party-attending, and drunken revelry that comes with the never-ending march of the holidays.
That’s the idea behind this year’s Mercury HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR! What you’re holding and reading right now is a goddamn three-ring circus of holiday fun, featuring essays, advice, food recommendations, a kick-ass gift guide, events to attend, and WOW, so much more! For example….
If you have foodie friends, we have some great suggestions for
interesting snacks, condiments, and other delish, non-perishable goods to stick under the tree, as well as the coziest coffee drinks to cuddle with this winter, and where to find the most mouthwatering offerings of that Jewish meat-y holiday delight: brisket!
We’ve also got some sweet ‘n’ salty holiday essays about found families, off-kilter white elephant gift exchanges, the pros and cons of telling your kids about Santa, and a fascinating (and infuriating) history piece on the attempted bombing of the 2010 Portland Christmas tree lighting event— which involved a good deal of entrapment from the FBI!
Plus we’ve got much-needed info on what places will be open on Thanksgiving and Christmas (and the brave souls who choose to work on those days), a poopton of holiday events from our resident hot-shit calendar experts, a special “shop local” gift guide jam-packed with all sorts of wondrous (and sexy!) delights, AND a very un-Christian holiday fun page for the younger pagans in your household.
As you can see, the Mercury is determined to show you some fun AND give you a lot to think about this festive, drunken, and unmanageably busy season. So take a breath, tuck into the Mercury ’s HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR, and throw your doors open… because ho-ho-ho… it’s time to welcome the carnage!
Yer festive pal, Wm. Steven Humphrey Editor-in-Chief Portland Mercury (he/him)
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IGIFTS FOR THOSE WHO LOVE TO EAT!
Everyone likes food, and here are some local shops that should be on every culinary gift giver’s list.
BY ANDREA DAMEWOOD
love giving and receiving gifts, but there’s always this middle ground of friends, family, or colleagues who are so hard to shop for.
In the face of gifting mental block, I say get them something good to eat. Literally no one is mad to receive a bottle of nice olive oil, or an array of Japanese candy.
In that spirit, here are a sled-full of locally-owned small shops that offer high-quality, non-perishable goods that are perfect to put under anyone’s tree.
Well Spent Market
I adore Well Spent Market, run by former food writer Jim Dixon. It’s got fancy tortillas made locally with duck fat, a refillable olive oil shelf, and is the only place I can reliably say carries the big size jar of Duke’s Mayonnaise.
There’s a small section of Japanese sake, snacks, and other treats curated by Fulamingo (see below), and a small section of small-
wares and art thatc can really round out your gift hunting experience.
To gift: A tin of Tiny Fish Co. Black Cod in Soy; the cutest screen-printed radicchio tea towels; Tiffin Asha Tomato Pickle Ginger chutney; Raincoast fig and olive crisp crackers. Shopping treat for you: A Lauretta Jean’s chocolate chip cookie from the jar by the register.
935 NE Couch; daily 10 am to 7 pm; wellspentmarket.com
Fulamingo
Fulamingo, run by Kana Hinohara Hanson and her husband Erik, is reliably one of the best curated Japanese snack and essential stops I’ve found. And if you live in Portland, there’s delivery available. On the website, Kana editorializes about why she’s hand selected an item for her shop. I’ve been converted to the $4.75 a pack Nissin Ya Oh ramen
Holly Ong (left) of Sibeiho teams up with Darren Yondorf of The Minnow.
THE MINNOW/SIBEIHO
after she described them this way: “Honestly, once you throw your favorite toppings on top, you could just as easily be tucked inside a tiny ramen shop at a subway station in Tokyo as you could be eating instant noodles at home.”
To gift: Nissin Ra Oh instant ramen; Kuze Fuku & Sons Matcha Anko Butter spread; Norimaki arare; gluten free seaweed wrapped rice crackers; Joto “The Blue One” Nigori sake. Shopping treat for you: A $2.50 box of delicious Alfort mini chocolate bitter cookies.
Cargo Inc., 81 SE Yamhill, Wellspent Market, 935 NE Couch, fulamingo.com
Barbur World Foods
I live tragically far from Barbur World Foods, tucked down on the Tigard border. But that makes the visits all the more epic, especially because this is a place where you could easily secure gifts for just about anyone who eats good food. Got a Brit? There’s clotted cream and HP Sauce. But the true focus is Middle Eastern fare, which makes sense as the owners of World Foods also own Ya Hala. There are all sorts of olive oils, more varieties of Harissa than you can hope to eat in a calendar year, gorgeous flatbreads, and a massive wine section.
To gift: Kinder Holiday mix advent calendar; seasonal santa Jafa cakes; Castillo de Canena oak smoked olive oil; a variety pack of Persian cookies. Shopping treat for you: A $12 lamb shawarma with all the fixings. 9845 SW Barbur, daily 8 am to 10 pm, worldfoodsportland.com
Providore Fine Foods
If you like to grocery shop for fun, there are few better places to turn. Honestly, if you can make an edible arrangement with the gorgeous produce from Rubinette, for a veggie lover, that’s your move. But if you’re shopping ahead of time and have $85 or more, Providore’s website also features premade gift baskets featuring themes like pantry essentials, Oregon made goods, or Italian yummies. But honestly, just have fun walking the shelves and pulling what seems good.
To gift: A fancy dried pasta that costs $10 a box; a jar of capers in olive oil; anything they recommend in the wine shop. Shopping treat for you: A slab of any of the fresh focaccias at the Little T Bakery.
2340 NE Sandy Blvd; daily 10 am to 7 pm; providorefinefoods.com
House of Flavor
This Williams Avenue shop is the market arm of the beloved Akadi restaurant, and is stacked with West African and Caribbean essentials, including dried oporo shrimp and Star beer. There’s less on the shelves than at Mama Pauline’s, but this is an easy stop to score Akadi’s beloved sauces.
To gift: Akadi spicy sauce; a big, cheap bottle of Jollof rice seasoning; a bar of Dudu-Osuon black soap. Shopping treat for you: St. Mary’s Banana Chip and one of the Caribbean sodas that catch your eye.
3901 N Williams Ave Suite C; Tuesday-Saturday, 10 am to 9 pm, Sundays, 10 am to 8 pm, Mondays 1 pm to 9 pm
Coquine Market
Going to Coquine Market gives me big “Belle goes shopping in Beauty and the Beast “ vibes. Put a nice baguette and good eggs into your basket, along with bonkers good goat cheese and a bottle of wine. But there are lots of treats that can be wrapped and tucked away until the holiday party, too.
To gift: Fancy Okinawan brown sugar; a nice bag of coffee; Cloudforest Magic Spread; the Japanese and Mexican cookbooks are gorgeous. Shopping treat for you: A Coquine cookie and coffee on your way out.
6839 SE Belmont; daily 8 am to 2:30 pm; coquinepdx.com/market
Sibeiho and The Minnow
Local shops Sibeiho and The Minnow have joined forces in this Northwest 23rd spot, making it easy to cover gift giving ground. Sibeiho owners Holly Ong and Pat Lau have put together a $35 sambal gift box in order to share a variety of their signature Singaporean relishes in one go. The Minnow has a variety of fresh produce and meats, along with uber healthy and locally-sourced meal deliveries.
To gift: Sambal gift pack; prepared meal delivery for your busiest friend; anything seasonal from either shop. Shopping treat for you: Fresh wild albacore tuna loin for your dinner later.
740 NW 23rd; Wed-Sun, 11 am to 5:30 pm; sibeiho.com; theminnowpdx.com
Goodies Snack Shop
Goodies, run by first-generation “snack enthusiasts” in Old Town/Chinatown, is such a delight. There’s a huge variety of snacks from all over Asia, but for me, I was most excited to buy some of the products I’m constantly seeing on Instagram without having to buy a bunch in order to get free shipping. That squeeze bottle olive oil? Don’t mind if I do! David Chang’s new instant noodle line? Yes, please! You know your fellow online food fans will be jazzed to try it.
To gift: Fly By Jing chili crisp; Graza olive oil; Momofuku soy and scallion noodles. Shopping treat for you: Popstar bar: a vegan milk chocolate bar with crispy rice balls inside.
139 NW 2nd; Tues to Fri,11 am-6 pm, Sat, 11 am to 4 pm; goodiessnackshop.com ■
Providore’s condiment gift box.
PROVIDORE
FINDING FAMILY IN UNEXPECTED PLACES
How a spontaneous Thanksgiving gathering gave birth to a new tradition.
BY ROSE WONG
Three days before Thanksgiving 2020, I was in my apartment in North Carolina, a semester or so away from graduating college. I had planned to spend the holiday doing everything in the New York Times article “How to Pretend You’re in Paris Tonight.” I would watch ballet on the Opéra National de Paris Youtube channel, take a self-guided virtual tour of Musée d’Orsay, and make Julia Child’s Coq au Vin.
When I came home from the grocery store that day with a bottle of cheap champagne and the ingredients for the chicken, my doctor called and told me my latest scan showed a new mass, most likely a cancer recurrence.
After Dr. Coleman hung up, I called Rebecca, my best friend who was home with her family in Tennessee. She didn’t pick up. Cathy, who taught my first journalism course at Duke, was not available either. Bill picked up on the second ring. I heard his voice and my weeps bursted into sobs.
A year and a half earlier, I was diagnosed with synovial sarcoma, a rare form of soft tissue cancer typically affecting young people. I took a year off school for chemotherapy and surgery, the most bitter and disorienting experience of my life. Bill, then director of the journalism department, sent me a list of his favorite movies and TV shows for days I needed distraction. All the President’s Men, Boyhood The Wire. He texted to check in and said everyone in the department looked forward to my return.
I returned to a changed campus—half-covered faces meandering through quiet buildings and empty lawns, rectangles of classmates zooming in from their various home backgrounds for hybrid class, constant
COVID-19 testing. The carousel of students who typically frequented Bill’s office, asking for advice on stories and internship applications, reduced to just the few of us. And the friends who had moved onto campus with me four-and-a-half years earlier graduated and moved to big cities. Still I was excited to let cancer fade into my past and resume life as a college student, on the precipice of everything real and important.
After hanging up with Bill, I stopped crying and started clearing the beer in my fridge. Most of my family live in China and Canada, except my mother, who remarried in Michigan. Being in the same room as her stiffens every hair follicle on my body. I have learned to enjoy my own company, its opportunities for stretching and creating.
But spending the holiday alone now felt insufferably depressing. Twenty minutes passed and I reached a sad buzz. I stared at my kitchen wall. Bill called again. “Katherine and I would like to invite you to join us for Thanksgiving.”
I arrived at Bill’s house on Thanksgiving with the bottle of champagne I bought for my French cosplay. He led me around to the backyard, where he had a large patio with a low rattan dining set, two liquid propane heat lamps, and an inclined garden covered in frost. Bill introduced me to his daughter Annie, who came home from D.C., and Miles, who was working in a science museum. The eldest, Molly, was staying with her partner in Seattle, but planned to join the family for Christmas. Bill was clearly very proud of his children. He laughed heartily at Annie’s jokes and listened intently as Miles spoke. He missed Molly.
I put on my mask and walked into the house to use the restroom. In the kitchen, Katherine turned and greeted me with a great smile of maternal delight.
“Rose! Welcome!”
This was our first time meeting, but the warmth she effused suggested she had known and cared for me.
Katherine laid the food on a table in the backyard and told us to grab a plate. Mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, Annie’s Sally Lunn bread. Whole smoked turkey breast and barbecue beans and macaroni and cheese from Q Shack. We talked about Katherine’s preschool students, the family’s move from Virginia to North Carolina years ago, the cats that had come and gone from this house—and the cat for whom Katherine was still waiting to find his way home. We didn’t talk about being sick and I didn’t think about being sick.
By the time each of us picked between pumpkin or apple pie—”or both!”—the temperature had shifted from a prickly chill to biting cold. We squeezed our shoulders and shoved our fists into our coat pockets. Miles pulled one of the heat lamps closer to us. I know it would have been much warmer and softer inside. Rather than fear for the future, that night I was boggled by gratitude for the Adairs.
“What is that?” Annie said.
We turned toward the direction Annie was looking. A big birdlike figure perched on the wood fence that divided the yard from the neighbor’s, facing us.
“It’s an owl,” Katherine said. Then she looked at me and smiled. “We’ve never seen an owl here before.”
In the following and final semester, I started radiation therapy and enrolled in all virtual
classes. I graduated from college in the spring and moved to Florida for my first full-time job in the newspaper business. I was once again wrong to think I was done with cancer.
Since 2020, a lot has changed. Annie moved into her own apartment and Miles got a new job and Molly got married. Bill signed a book contract. Katherine’s school children keep getting bigger. I moved to Portland and became a writer. My cancer metastasized to my lungs.
Unchanging is my annual invitation to join the Adairs for Thanksgiving. While many of my friends fly back to their hometowns to spend the holiday, I return to my college town, where I get to drink coffee and eat turkey in a home built with open affection and laughter. Of all the things I got out of college, this was the least expected.
Thanksgiving stands for many things that we must condemn, not celebrate—genocide, colonization of Native America, white exceptionalism. I moved to the U.S. in middle school and internalized A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving as history—until years later. Then the holiday became fraudulent and hollow, a mere reminder of my family’s lack of cohesion and American holiday tradition.
Thanksgiving still stands for all the worst things of humanity, but for me it has also come to represent stumbling into love, showing up when we don’t have to, and consistency—once the most foreign of concepts.
Since my first Adair Thanksgiving, the development of the COVID-19 vaccine has allowed us to return the feast indoors. We can eat into the night without shaking in our seats or curling our toes in our boots. That’s another blessing. We do miss the owl, though. ■
SKYE BOLLUYT
COZIEST CAFE BEVERAGES TO SIP THIS HOLIDAY SEASON
Where to warm up with the yummiest local hot drinks.
BY JENNI MOORE
Portland is a mecca for coffee lovers, and if the fall season is any indicator, there’s going to be lots to love in a mug this holiday season. Whether you’re stepping into your basic bitch era while clutching a can’t-miss offering in a red cup å la Big Coffee or snuggling up to drinks from strictly local cafés and coffee shops, here are some of the coziest beverages to warm up with this winter.
The Hug, Never Coffee
4243 SE Belmont; 537 SW 12th
Never Coffee is an innovative coffee roaster and café specializing in unusual drinks. Regulars rave about the Oregon latte made with a surprising addition of hops, dulce de leche, and sea salt, but for the 2024 holiday season, it only makes sense to start your mornings by asking your barista for a “Hug.” This drinkable and delicious Hug accomplishes just the right spice level, a balanced blend of spicy cacao, cinnamon, and smoked chilies. If you’re the person who puts hot sauce in your bag and in everything else, this spicy hot cocoa is a
must-try and available at Never Coffee’s two brick and mortar locations.
Cardamom Latte, The Sparrow Bakery 8195 N Lombard
Available year-round at The Sparrow Bakery in St. Johns, this ultra-warm Cardamom Latte is one of the comfiest, most pleasant lattes in town. With housemade chocolate syrup, Stumptown Hairbender espresso, choice of milk, and soft cardamom notes, this one is a fan favorite and goes extra well with the bakery’s signature pastry, Ocean Rolls, which embody a masterful blend of cardamom, sugar, and vanilla flavors.
Apple Crisp Macchiato, Starbucks
All Starbucks Locations
As someone who used to be a barista at Starbucks, I can say with certainty that customers are obsessed with the damn Caramel Macchiato—the brand’s signature espresso beverage, which is basically an “upside down” vanilla latte with one less pump of syrup and floating espresso shots. Since this
fall, longtime CM fans are also going wild for the Apple Crisp Macchiato. The seasonal drink uses apple brown sugar syrup in place of vanilla, and instead of caramel sauce drizzle, it comes topped with spiced apple drizzle. In short, it is foamy perfection.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon Matcha, Portland Cå Phé Roasters 2815 SE Holgate; 2601 NE MLK Jr. Blvd.
Kim Dam opened the first location of stellar Vietnamese coffee roaster Portland Cå Phé in 2021, whipping up standards like purple-hued Ube Blossom Lattes and rotating seasonal drinks. Thankfully for customers who find SE Holgate to be a bit of a trek, Dam and business partner Alex Tang recently opened a second location on NE MLK boulevard. Come for seasonal drinks like a Cinnamon and Brown Sugar Matcha Latte, available hot or iced, which arrive with cinnamon brown sugar in the bottom of the cup, topped with matcha and choice of milk, and for latte art, get into a dusting of cinnamon through a teddy bear stencil. Look for holiday drinks like past iterations,
which have included revamped classics like an Eggnog Cinnamon Latte, Eggnog Chai, or tempting and original cold drinks like Iced Tiramisu Latte.
Bruleé Latte, Kopi Coffee House 2327 E Burnside
Kopi Coffee House has a slew of unique and enticing takes on traditional Southeast Asian coffee drinks and items that satisfy. The folks at Kopi whip up items like the shop’s most popular drink, Kedai Susu—a delicious concoction made with house lime leaf-lemongrass sweetened condensed coconut milk. And there are seasonal fall drinks like Chocolate Cherry Truffle, available through November, in which your barista steams the milk of your choice and pours it with organic locally-made chocolate sauce, a pecan and cherry syrup, and a dusting of chocolate powder. Past holiday seasons have seen the shop slinging Mint Matcha Mochas, Gingerbread Lattes, and Steamed Candy Cane Cold Brews. But perhaps their coziest mug is the Creme Brulee Latte, which gets its top torched just before hand-off. ■
The Bruleé Latte from Kopi Coffee House.
Never Coffee provides a delicious reason for the season.
KOPI COFFEE HOUSE
FOR THE REST OF US
Six things to do on Thanksgiving and Christmas other than be with your family.
BY SUZETTE SMITH
Depending on your profession, you get approximately 11 federal holidays per calendar year. And ever since I was old enough to be bored, I knew I didn’t want to spend them with my family. It also helps that my family are the scattering type; they don’t want to see me either. We hang out when flights are cheaper.
There’s a whole other world that exists while the dominant culture is deftly slicing into turkey (or Tofurky). Instead of tagging along to someone else’s family party—where you will still somehow get trapped in a conversation with an older relative about the dangers of [INSERT DRUG], or listening to a friend of a friend list their food allergies at a friendsgiving, you could be doing ANYTHING ELSE. JUST DO ANYTHING ELSE.
I’ve been doing anything else for most of my adult life, and I’m something of a pro at it. Here are my six top picks for holiday feast day alternatives. You can actually still enjoy most of these ideas, even if you go to a holiday party. It’s my gift to you.
Go to the Movies
This is the original alternative holiday passtime. If you look carefully, in J. L. G. Ferris’ famous painting “The First Thanksgiving 1621” you can see, on the far left, some people standing in line for movie tickets. The best place in Portland to see a movie on a holiday is the Laurelhurst Theater because they revel in it. The co-owner Woody Wheeler told the Mercury he was hopeful Laurelhurst will have just completed a remodel of its two largest auditoriums, “brand new seats, tables, flooring, paint, soundfold fabric, the works!” In addition to being open for a full schedule of shows on Thanksgiving, Laurelhurst will also be open all day on the following day—because anyone with common sense takes that Friday off too. Expect a full schedule on Christmas as well. One weird holiday secret is that most hotels have to be open in some capacity— for their guests—therefore, we guarantee McMenamins theaters will have at least a shortened schedule playing, if not a full. This is true for the Bagdad Theater as well.
has yelled at our gaggle of found family for being too rowdy at Republic Cafe. Then we tip-toe next door to Ming Lounge for a taste of the hard stuff. Forewarning, the bathroom is comically bad. If you don’t want to dine in a dive, Hot Pot City has a history of serving up an expanded shellfish menu on special days, and while it’s good to eat hot pot with others, this restaurant also provides solo pots, located around a bar. Sichuan Taste, next to the Rialto Room, is a new open-on-theholidays contender, but they made a strong showing in 2022. Out in the suburbs, Szechuan Garden is another delicious favorite.
Dinner Someone Else Made
Most people experience feast holidays by enjoying dinner that someone else made, but the practice of ordering takeout or dining in at a precious, open restaurant is the second best known alt holiday tradition. For me and mine, the mood isn’t merry until a stressed out dad
It’s not mandatory to exclusively eat Chinese food on the holy alt holidays, either. You’ll find plenty of fine places serving up traditional turkey and mashed potato meals—just look for restaurants attached to hotels. Jake’s Grill, in the Sentinel Hotel, is probably the best-known example (reservations recommended), but we alo think Bullard Tavern in the Woodlark has had an aggressively delicious year so far, thanks to their February addition of chef Joel Lui-Kwan to oversee the menus of both their restaurant and cocktail bar, Abigail Hail. Gracie’s in Hotel Deluxe is another solid standby.
Sing Karaoke
If this isn’t already your tradition, it’s likely completely off your radar. The Alibi Tiki Lounge is open every damn day. Karaoke there starts at 8 pm every
damn day. Pro Tip: You’ll find that all bars owned by Marcus Archambeault and Warren Boothby are open every damn day (more on that later). If you’re shaking off a food hangover, singing for a crowd is a great way to wake up the senses—which one may promptly dull with a Mai Tai. Stop thumping the table, vegans! Baby Ketten is another spot with “privit roomz and publik karokee” on holidays.
Eat Sweets
During the holidays, plenty of places want you to order ahead to secure sweets. But not your true love, your old standby: The Pix O’Matic 24-hour vending machine. Personal story: One year I was super depressed, and didn’t know what to bring to a friendsgiving, so I just bought, like, four things from the Pix
O’Matic. Everyone loved it because pastry chef Cheryl Wakerhauser is incredible at making mousse, tiramisu, and macarons!
Dive Bar
The best dive to drink at, when you’re dipping out on a holiday, is the one in your own neighborhood. There isn’t enough room to get into all the fine, tiny dives that say they’re open seven days a week and really mean it. However, like we noted in the karaoke portion, we have noticed a certain throughline of rehabbed Portland dives that are proudly open and ready to throw some whiskey in a glass for you every day of the year: Sandy Hut , the Vern , Lay Low , Double Barrel, Gold Dust Meridian, and Holman’s “We ask the staff if they want to open normal hours… or just do one night shift,” dive empire co-owner Warren Boothby told the Mercury. He said all will be open at the very least from 5 pm-2:30 am.
Fancy Bar
At the intersection of holiday in a hotel and holiday in a bar, you will find Sippin’ Santa at the Marriott’s Courtyard City Center—which a press release calls “the tropical sister offshoot of the famed Miracle pop-up bar.” In our city, Miracle currently happens at Deadshot (cocktail creator Greg Boehm licenses his holiday drink recipes to just one bar per city), but mixologist Jeff Berry (once called a “cocktail archeologist” by the Washington Post ) decided he had some fancy mixed drink recipes that he too wanted to put in kitschy glassware. For our purposes, the important thing about Sippin’ Santa is that it’s open on Thanksgiving and Christmas, at the lessened hours of 7 am-1 pm. Reservations recommended. Prayers up for your tummy, because a Santa wearing sunglasses on your cup does not dull the power of aged Demerara rum. ■
Mixologist Jeff Berry invites you to sip on a Santa.
Holidays are movie days.
Sing (and drink) away your troubles at the Alibi this holiday season.
RANDY SCHMIDT
LAURELHURST THEATER.
THE GREAT SANTA DEBATE
Should you confess to your kids about Santa? The pros and cons of the biggest lie of the holiday season.
BY
ELINOR
JONES
What to do about the big jolly guy in the room?
With the world what it is (bad), the decision on whether or not to have children is a big one, and one that should not be made lightly. Because guess what? After you make that initial decision, you’re immediately faced with a bunch MORE decisions. What do we name it? Should I breastfeed? Where will the baby sleep? It’s fine to binge watch The Boys while the baby is napping on my chest, even though the audio is gruesome, because there’s no way they can place the sound of bones crunching yet, right??
Eventually, all that stuff gets sorted, and you feel like maybe you’ve got this parenting thing figured out. THEN it’s Christmas, and you’re faced with one of the trickiest parenting decisions of them all:
canonically elves? If all these chumps at holiday parties are liars, where is the real Santa?
If you are pretending that Santa is real, you better have a fucking plan here.
the parent, actually gets to eat the cookies so that you can tell your child that Santa ate them. Who doesn’t love cookies?!
In this house, is Santa real?
Allow me to (un)scientifically guide you through this complex subject!
PRO:
It’s cute when kids like things, and they looooooooove Santa, so who cares? Let ‘em have him.
CON:
I don’t know if this is just me growing up in a small town or what, but when I was a kid, there weren’t Santas everywhere. You could only see one if you drove to Lloyd Center, and that was it. Now there are Santas everywhere! Any event between Thanksgiving and New Year’s has a jolly guy with a beard (aside from your sister’s delightful new boyfriend), and so you, the parent who has embraced this seemingly innocent ruse, have to decide how to explain just why there are so many guys claiming to be Santa, yet look a little different. Are they all Santa? Will you go with the Home Alone explanation that the excess of Santas simply work for the real guy, despite the “fact” that Santa’s workers are
PRO:
You can blame Santa for the shitty toys.
CON:
I want credit for all the toys! The kids will cherish everything that comes from Santa, no matter how shitty it is. You can have painstakingly researched the most perfect, expensive, age-appropriate toy to have ever graced the shelves of Target, but come Christmas morning, it’s Santa’s house, and we’re just wearing our pajamas in it. No matter what you do, your child will cradle Santa’s Top Ramen tossed into the stocking at the last minute with tears in her eyes, wondering how Santa could be so amazing as to remember that she loves Top Ramen. There are no shitty toys once Santa is involved. If he broke into our home to give it to her, it’s the best thing in the world.
PRO:
If you encourage the lie that Santa will be coming to your house while you are asleep, you will be obligated to put out cookies for him, and it’s fun to have an excuse to make extra cookies around the holidays. And you,
CON:
You know who doesn’t love cookies? You, at midnight on Christmas Eve, when you’re exhausted, probably a little drunk, and now saddled with one more task. And this task is actually two tasks, because it’s not enough to just put out the cookies for Santa anymore; you also have to put out carrots for the reindeer, and take bites out of those, too. Plus, kids are fucking smart (kind of, about certain things) so they know what it looks like when humans have taken a bite out of a carrot, so it’s up to you to figure out how to make it look like a gigantic Nordic herd animal did the damage. Ever stood over the sink with your seventh glass of wine in one hand, a carrot in the other, trying to guess what kind of teeth reindeer have? (Googling is not an option here, because your hands are full, and you no longer know how to read.)
PRO:
It’s a great idea to introduce the idea of an elderly stranger who breaks into your house in the middle of the night to fill your stockings with crap you don’t need, because we live
in sad, awful, stressful times, and whatever amount of time we can get our children to believe in Santa is that much less time that they are exposed to the horrors of reality. My daughter can’t listen to NPR if she’s watching Elf, now can she?
CON:
Just because the big box stores have purchased your consumer data and know that you have a kid and what their age is and what they’re into, and they send you catalogs (catalogs!) filled with pictures of plastic crap that will drive them wild doesn’t mean you have to buy it all for them. Perhaps our obscene consumerism has something to do with the degradation of our planet and we shouldn’t be celebrating, much less encouraging, living in excess. Maybe if we didn’t create a whole separate god-like guy to bring us more stuff we don’t need, we’d throw just a little bit less plastic away on December 26, and the Pacific garbage island wouldn’t grow to swallow the entire Earth in our lifetimes. Back in our day, our parents said no. We were used to not getting everything. Santa can suck it; Christmas is for learning lessons about the evils of over-consumption.
PRO:
That any children are alive today when the germs, weapons, and the weather itself wants us dead is something to be thankful for. Their eyes will light up when they think the weirdo in red put some shit in a sock. Let them have it. Good god, haven’t they been through enough?
CON:
Haven’t you been through enough?
SCIENTIFIC RESULTS:
After carefully reviewing my own arguments, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will begrudgingly lie to my daughter about this mythical fat man who fits down our chimney, but that you, as a parent, can do whatever you want. It’ll be January before you know it, and you can ignore this dilemma for a whole other year. ■
JOSH BLAKE / GETTY IMAGES
THE HOLIDAY BRISKET ROUNDUP
Where to find Portland’s finest, most tender brisket for your Jewish celebrations.
BY BEN COLEMAN
What’s considered holiday food by the Jewish diaspora probably has as many answers as there are members of the Jewish diaspora, but a recurring theme are meat-heavy mid-century mains that at least vaguely conform to a kosher diet. This is largely thanks to the many European emigres who passed through the East Coast deli zone on their way to assimilate in the beef-friend-
ly plains of the American heartland, which is how the Jewish side of my family wound up in suburban Indiana serving Hanukkah dinners out of a Norman Rockwell painting. This year let’s talk brisket in particular, since I’ve done enough research on the subject to qualify for several federal livestock subsidies. As with all human endeavors it’s possible to hyperfixate on each component part of a meal until no quantum of enjoyment re-
mains. Let’s bypass the meat forum flame wars to the extent possible and say that my personal preferences are pretty middle-ofthe-road: I like brisket you can cut with a fork, but won’t fall apart if you wave it around a bit (I got some server side-eye while employing this methodology, but I stand by it). Thick bark and a rosy smoke ring are nice-to-haves, but I didn’t notice a huge correlation between presence of either and my overall enjoyment (however, a nice bit of fat cap, properly prepared and evenly distributed, very much did). Here then are my findings, all of which offer some preparation of brisket by-the-pound for your holiday catering needs.
NORTH & NORTHEAST
Podnah’s Pit
Podnah’s Pit has been the go-to answer to “where’s good BBQ in Portland” for almost two decades now, and I’m pleased to report they’re still bringing the heat, at least in terms of brisket. A textbook example of lovingly smoked beef, Podnah’s cuts of beef are robust and flavorful, without that heavy mineral note that cuts like this can sometimes get. Fork tender, generous fat caps, and craggy bark, this is the sort of thing they should put on the Wikipedia page for brisket. Podnah’s Pit, 1625 NE Killingsworth podnahspit.com
Matt’s
At the risk of courting controversy (who am I kidding, that’s half the point of lists like this), Matt’s brisket didn’t really do it for me. It certainly looks the part with an impressive smoke ring and positively bark-
like bark, but I found the flavor too intensely minerally to be enjoyed except as a vehicle for one of the many (excellent) available sauces. I also needed both a fork and knife to navigate the formidable slices. That’s probably not going to be a dealbreaker for most people, and I can’t fault a BBQ place for crafting a sauce-forward menu. But if you’re planning to “Ms. Doubtfire” something approaching a traditional Hanukkah dinner, I’d look elsewhere.
Matt’s BBQ, 4233 N Mississippi mattsbbqpdx.com
SOUTHEAST
The Smoking Jay
Possibly the strangest dining experience on this list, but also the one I most enthusiastically recommend, Smoking Jay is located in what appears to be a decommissioned army barracks filled with folksy knicknacks—exactly the kind of off-kilter Fallout 4 dining experience food critics salivate over. The brisket here has an impressive depth of flavor and a soft, glossy bark that offers little resistance to a fork. But it’s the almost impossible tenderness of the beef that has me composing odes to this place. This is the kind of showcase velvety texture my dad would spend all day toiling over a backyard smoker to produce, and a rare find indeed on a restaurant menu.
The Smoking Jay, 6305 SE King, Milwaukie thesmokingjay.com
Botto’s BBQ
Occupying the distinctive 1970s A-frame space most recently inhabited by Pok Pok Wing, Botto’s is no-nonsense BBQ that backs
Botto’s BBQ
BEN COLEMAN
up the swagger. They offer a few different brisket formulations, from burnt ends to brisket hash, but I opted for the “pastrami brisket” weekly special, both as a nod to the traditionally Jewish flavor profile as well as to offer my struggling gut flora a welcome distraction. And true to form, it had the herbaceous depth and flavor of good pastrami contained within an impeccably smoked thick-cut slab of brisket. The real magic trick here are the luxurious morsels of fat, which behave like solid matter on the fork and seemingly vaporize in a puff of pure dopamine the instant you take a bite.
Botto’s BBQ, 3120 SE Milwaukie bottosbbq.com
Reverend’s BBQ Reverend’s is a bit higher-end than most of the places on this list, falling under the um-
brella of Laurelhurst Market’s posh Neighborhood Restaurant Group. But this is a welcome case where the higher prices correlate to quality you can taste. This is damn good fancy beef: complex, decadently rich, and perfectly tender. The fat glistens invitingly, the char on the bark adds a smoky depth, and the flavors of the medium and method of preparation blend together masterfully.
Reverend’s BBQ, 7712 SE 13th reverendsbbq.com
WESTSIDE
Wolf’s Head Smokehouse
Near as I can tell, the Wolf’s Head BBQ cart in the Beaverton cart pod is your best, and perhaps only, option for by-the-pound smoked beef that side of the river. Good thing they’re in full command of their art, offering up thick
slices of rich salty brisket in one of the smartest cart pods the ‘burbs have to offer. Wolf’s head brisket is salty, soft, and deeply smoked. It’s savory in the way a lovingly basted pot roast might be, rather than the more mushroom-y vibes I associate with “umami,” and it works just as well on its lonesome or as a launch pad for the cart’s several in-house sauces.
Wolf’s Head Smokehouse, 4250 SW Rose Biggi, Beaverton, wolfsheadbbq.com
Postscript
I’m keenly aware that there aren’t any, you know, Jewish restaurants on this list. Portland didn’t have a ton of them to be -
gin with, and post-pandemic we’ve seen deli stalwart Kornblatt’s close and Kenny & Zuke’s move across the river with a significantly scaled down menu (Holy Smokes would have been a real good fit for this article, but they, alas, closed last year). But let me direct you to Lepage Food and Drinks, chef Risa Lichtman’s innovative meal catering/subscription service that offers traditional eats on a seasonal/rotating basis. Lichtman didn’t have any immediate brisket plans in the works, but keep an eye on the website for holiday menus. ■ Lepage Food and Drinks, lepagefoodanddrinks.com
Matt’s BBQ
Podnah’s Pit
BEN COLEMAN
BEN COLEMAN
Gift Guide
Flying Fish Smoked Salmon + Tinned Seafood
Give the gift of family recipe smoked salmon made in Portland with local raw honey, sea salt and spices. Simple, delicious, healthy and sustainable. Feeling more adventurous??? Then tinned seafood is your answer.... and it’s the ultimate stocking stuffer...I mean who doesn’t love octopus and sardines for the holidays? Gift cards & fish market special orders available for the holidays.
Flying Fish Company Restaurant + Fish Market 3004 E Burnside St www.flyingfishpdx.com, 971-806-6747
Curated Gift Boxes
Various Prices
With Love, From PDX “Elevate your holidays with our exquisite gift boxes. Thoughtfully curated for joyful gifting. Order now!”
#HolidayGifts
#JoyfulSurprises withlovefrompdx.com
Rovercoat
Rainwear
Finally, performance outerwear for dogs! Doesn’t your dog deserve the best? It took three years and 22 prototypes to perfect Rovercoats. Rovercoat dog jackets are made with the best fabric available - waterproof, lightweight, breathable, and 4-way stretching. They work with both harnesses and collars, have 360-degree reflectivity, and pack into their own handy pocket. They look great, perform perfectly, and are backed up by a lifetime warranty. You and your dog are going to love your Rovercoat. Save 15% with code: gift. #rovercoatdogs rovercoat.com
Plants, coffee, spa....oh my! Facials and massage starting at $65!
This holiday season give the gift of a blissful experience in the Jungle Room. Tucked away behind our little plant shop and pour-over cafe, is our secret spa room where you can choose from our menu of customizable massage and bodycare services, including our signature Reiki facials. Or choose to create a sanctuary with a rare plant for the green thumb or bag of local brew for the coffee or tea drinker. Can’t decide? Gift cards also available.
Bosk | 3746 NE 42nd Ave. | 503-683-3773 | boskpdx.com
Give the Gift of Nothing
$77 $49
Experience tranquility like never before at Float On, Portland’s largest float center. 90-minutes of pure relaxation to decompress, unwind, and forget the stresses of the holidays. Give the gift of nothing with our special discounted gift cards: on sale through the end of December.
Float On 4530 SE Hawthorne 503-384-2620 floathq.com
FAN EXPO Portland is back, happening January 12-14, 2024 at the Oregon Convention Center. Give the gift of fandom this holiday season with tickets to the ultimate weekend of fun-filled fan culture. With tons of celebrity guests, plus oneof-a-kind shopping, amazing cosplay, and family-fun events all weekend, tickets to FAN EXPO is the perfect gift for all. FAN EXPO Portland | fanexpoportland.com
Gift Guide
Pharaoh Sanders’ Pharaoh
This limited-edition 2LP box set presents the definitive, remastered version of PHAROAH, his seminal record from 1977, along with two previously unreleased live performances of his masterpiece “Harvest Time.” The set features a 24-page booklet featuring rarely seen photographs, interviews with many of the participants, and a conversation with Pharoah himself.
Music | 313 W Burnside | 503-274-0961 | www.everydaymusic.com
Pastini
Holiday Gift Card Deal –Spend $100, get $25
The 12-Way
Magic Wand Micro $69
Let us introduce the newest member to the Magic Wand family: the Micro! At 4.5 inches, you may wonder how can it possibly hold up to the power of its larger siblings. Don’t be fooled. The Micro contains a high-capacity motor with up to 6,500 RPM of deep vibrations and four patterns. It’s also USB rechargeable! Get the perfect pocket-sized gift for yourself or your lover this holiday season at She Bop.
| 503-473-8018 | www.sheboptheshop.com
When you purchase $100 in Pastini gift cards, you’ll get a $25 gift voucher to use in 2024! Available 11/14/23–12/31/23: Dine in or online. Add a bottle of wine for half off the list price and pair with one of our festive gift card holders for the perfect gift for anyone on your list. Downtown Portland | NE Broadway | SE Division | Bridgeport Village www.pastini.com/gift-cards NW Cider Club $60-150 plus tax, shipping, and handling NW Cider Club is the perfect one-of-a kind gift for cider aficionados and cider curious alike. Experts curate quarterly selections of independent craft ciders from across the Pacific Northwest. The nation’s premier mixed-cidery club, NW Cider Club features small batch and limited release offerings from more than 100 makers. Give a one-time box or a club membership this season! nwciderclub.com
Gift Guide
Portland Art Museum Gift Membership
Share the love of art! The Portland Art Museum is the perfect place to connect, reflect, and be inspired. The best way to experience everything we have to offer is as a member. A gift membership gives the people you love a year to enjoy the Museum’s art, special pricing at our new Tomorrow Theater and at Museum events, discounts at our Museum Store, and other perks.
Portland Art Museum | 1219 SW Park Ave. 503-226-2811 | portlandartmuseum.org/membership
New Deal Pear Brandy
Crafted from 100% estate-grown Bartlett pears from the Columbia River Gorge, our aromatic, award-winning Pear Brandy is bottled un-aged and with zero added sugar, allowing the aroma of fresh pears to shine. Try it in a Sidecar, Collins, or French 75. Combine with lemon, honey, and Ginger Liqueur for a delightful Pear Brandy Hot Toddy.
New Deal Distillery & Bottle Shop | 900 SE Salmon St. | 503-234-2513 newdealbottleshop.com/collections/spirits/products/new-deal-pear-brandy
Vanilla Whiskey Cream
Bring more flavor to your holiday cocktails with 503 Distilling’s Vanilla Whis key Cream. It’s the perfect complement to locally roasted coffee or hand made cocoa. Replace your regular cream liqueur with an authentic, Oregon spirit. 503 Distilling Vanilla Whiskey Cream is hand-made using whiskey, cream liqueur, Madagascar vanilla bean, and a touch of brown sugar. Real ingredients for real moments.
New Deal Spiced Rum
Aged in-house and infused with both traditional and experimental spices, New Deal Spiced Rum begins with warm vanilla and nutmeg on the nose that gives way to cinnamon, clove, all spice, black pepper, and orange. Excep tionally smooth and full of rich aromatics, this small-batch spiced rum shines in both spirit-forward and tropical cocktails. And yes, it makes an amazing Hot Buttered Rum.
New Deal Distillery & Bottle Shop | 900 SE Salmon St. | 503-234-2513 newdealbottleshop.com/collections/spirits/products/new-deal-spiced-rum
Café Yumm! Gift Cards
Nourish everyone on your holiday list and SAVE BIG! For a limited time, receive 20% off all Café Yumm! restaurant gift cards with a $25 or greater value. Café Yumm! serves delightful food made fresh and FAST with sustainable ingredients. Enjoy a variety of Yumm! Bowls® made famous by Yumm! Sauce®, wraps, salads, soups, and more at 23 locations across the Northwest. Special dietary requests welcome.
Café Yumm! Locations in OR, WA, ID cafeyumm.com/gift-cards
Availability: at the 503 Distilling Lounge, Oregon Liquor Stores and online 4784 SE 17th Ave. Ste. 150 | 503distilling.com
Holler Treats Pint of the Month Club
Give the gift of ice cream! Every month Holler Treats puts together a collection of four pints including classic favorites, seasonal flavors, and an EXCLUSIVE pint for members only. Choose from three, six or twelve month memberships. Membership includes: four housemade pints of ice cream, insulated tote for the ride home, Holler Treats embroidered pint club patch, free scoops for you and a friend at pickup, and 10% off all other frozen treats at pickup. 7119 SE MILWAUKIE AVE | 971.200.1849 | www.hollertreatspdx.com
Gift Guide
Set of Any 6 Wood Bookmarks with Tassels
Choose any six bookmarks! These eco-friendly bookmarks make excellent companions to great literature. Each bookmark has an original illustration printed on real wood veneer, which feels good in the
hand and brings the art to life. Wood veneer is sturdy and flexible so it holds up to prolonged use and makes a wonderful gift for book lovers. They are 2x6 inches with rounded corners and a tassel.
Little Gold Fox | littlegoldfox.com | etsy.com/shop/LittleGoldFoxDesigns
ZOOZOO 12/9 - 1/1 At Imago Theatre
ZooZoo, a mask theatre creature performance featuring hippos, anteaters, frogs, polar bears, penguins and more that fill the stage with wonder, awe and humor.
“Great fun for the whole family! A mastery ...fantastic...sure fire...very funny!”
—The New York Times
15% off if Purchased by Thanksgiving Weekend. Promo Code: PENGUINS
SMART WASH GIFTS TO CLEAN UP DURING THE HOLIDAYS!
Check out washmanusa.com or go to the Washman location near you. Multiple locations | 503-CAR-WASH | washanusa.com
The e-Omnias by Bianchi have arrived at Cynergy
Omnia = Everything, and there’s an Omnia for every rider and every ride. Italian Design + German Electronics combines the best of both. 360° Lighting, Racks And Fenders Included. 625 WH Battery + Powerful 28 MPH Motor. Specially priced for the season from $2999 to $4200.
3608 SE Powell Blvd | 503.719.7678 | www.CynergyEbikes.com
Tickets at: IMAGOTHEATRETICKETS.COM or 503-231-9581
Bear
by Michelle Liccardo $60
Located within Oregon Con temporary- Shop Ox showcases unique art, books, homegoods, and design objects. We love the little statue Bear by Michelle Lic cardo, a local sculptor and painter. Michelle says, “I hope that you find my work humorous, touching or just fun to look at.” It makes a great gift for anyone to have on a shelf or desk to spark conversa tion, or just make them smile.
Shop Ox at Oregon Contemporary | 8371 N. Interstate Avenue, Portland OR 97217 shop-ox.square.site
Chai Gift Set
Share flavor adventures with a set of chai concen trates from Portal Tea Company. Celebrating 20 years of serving tea in their tea shops, Portal Tea (formerly Tea Chai Te) now offers these easy 1:1 ratio (chai to dairy) drinks that can be made quickly hot or iced. This $20 chai gift set includes 8 oz of caffeinated West Coast Chai and Forager Chai and non-caffeinated customer favorite Coconut Chai.
Portal Tea Company | NW 23rd Ave, Sellwood & N Mississippi Portland Locations portaltea.co
Gift Guide
Corgi & Rainbows Gift Set
Send a loved one a cheerful gift set this season from Portal Tea. Former ly Tea Chai Te, the company rebranded to celebrate 20 years of making great tea for others. Gift set includes a tea blend of your choice in a reusable tin, cute ceramic rainbow mug and stainless steel infuser basket and a fun 3D corgi puppy puzzle. Gift Set price varies depend ing on tea choice and is available online only.
Portal Tea Company | portaltea.co
Extraordinary Mermaid Dip Dye Thigh High
The diamond patterning of these cotton blend thigh highs forms three dimensional mermaid scales to wash across your legs like the swells of the sea. Their extra-long length means more room for all the gorgeous gradient colors! Knit in family-owned mills in the USA, these are then dip dyed by hand in Portland, Oregon by the one and only Tie Dye Eric!
Sock Dreams
3962 N. Mississippi Ave. (888) 717-6257
Live Theatre: A Tomb With A View
Lakewood Theatre presents the perfect dark comedy thriller for the cold, dark winter season. The patriarch of the Tomb family has passed on, sad to say, now the collection of weirdos, ne’re-do-wells, and misfits he calls his descendants are killing each other to inherit his multi-million dollar estate. Literally. This live performance of a truly fiendish farce is a great gift for any fan of the delightfully macabre.
Lakewood Theatre Co. | 368 S. State Street Lake Oswego, OR, 97034
It Stays! Sock Glue
If you love the idea of thigh highs but find them slipping down your legs, we’re here to let you in on the secret to gravity-defying socks! This roll-on body adhesive is gentle even on sensitive skin and washes off easily with water. Once it’s dry you won’t know it’s there. Also great for bra straps, necklines, or whatever clothing you’d like to keep in place! Made
The Alaskan - Merino Wool Thigh High
Whether you’re hitting the trails or staying cozy around the house, you can’t go wrong with these cushy merino wool thigh highs! We took a classic ribbed hiking sock, then made it 24 inches long, creating a perfect insulating layer to keep your legs warm. Made from high quality wool in the USA.
3962 N. Mississippi Ave. www.sockdreams.com
Thunderpants USA Organic Cotton Underwear
Thunderpants USA is a local Woman-run company whose underwear is made here in Oregon with fun prints designed by Women illustrators. The Original style is their most popular item - designed not to ride up or roll down, can you say no wedgies? Made with organic cotton/spandex blend, these underwear will make you feel comfortable and confident with every wear. A perfect gift to yourself or your loved ones! www.thunderpantsusa.com
Gift Guide
Handmade organic platters
Handmade organic platters crafted in Portland are a perfect addition to your holi day tablescape + a wonderful gift. Visit us to see all the color + size options. $132
Green, Bright Yellow, Large Jesmonite Plantful new home + gift for beautiful plants! Visit us to see all the color +
Ultra Soft 100% Merino Beanies
Portland-based sustainable headwear brand Rustek is on a mission to create the best plastic-free headwear on earth — cause you shouldn’t have to choose between staying warm/dry and protecting the planet. Made in the USA from the softest merino yarn, these thick, ultra cozy beanies are the newest evolution of the best 100% natural beanies on the market. Organic cotton options for Vegan and sensitive skinned outdoors people.
www.rustek.co
The Pickle Jar has ALL your holiday needs!
The Most Sustainable Waterproof Caps on Earth
Rain is coming, and local sustainable headwear brand Rustek has you covered with Drytek, their newest line of plastic-free waxed canvas ripstop caps, to keep you dry and smiling on your adventures this winter. The Portland-based brothers and creators of the most sustainable hats on earth are just in time with their new water-resistant style. Made with a patent-pending plastic cork + bamboo brim, and crafted at their family run factory in Canada, this is sustainable gear done right.
Need a gift for the holidays? The Portland Pickles baseball team has you covered! Grab the Walker Stadium Prestige Snapback that pays homage to Walker Stadium & Portland’s baseball history! Pick one up at the Pickle Jar and take some time to see all of the other incredible merch and gift options available this holiday season! Also head to the online shop at picklesshop.com!
LOCATION: 130 SW Taylor St. PHONE: (503) 894-6690 STORE: picklesshop.com
Give the Gift of a Cruise!
Portland Spirit cruises year-round and features brunch, lunch, dinner and happy hour cruises, as well as high-speed jetboat cruises to the Columbia River Gorge. Delight your loved ones with a gift of unforgettable memories on the water — gift cards available in any denomination and are good for all cruises and onboard purchases, like a delicious cocktail.
Portland Spirit Cruises & Events | 110 SE Caruthers St. 503-224-3900 | portlandspirit.com
Keep your home hearth warm at Urbanite where 54 small businesses will light your fire!
Gift Guide
Hand dipped candles, candle sticks, candelabra, travel candles, beeswax candles, vintage candlesticks, modern candle holders, menorah, antique candle holders, snuffers, wick clippers, holiday candles, and so much more. All local, all sustainable, all at Urbanite. Urbanite | 1005 SE Grand Ave @Urbanitepdx | Urbanitepdx.com
Le Creuset Fish Baker
through your holiday shopping, an in-da-couch indica to help you relax and wind down for the day, or a balanced hybrid to get your home ready for the family-get together, Prūf has you covered this holiday season!
Electric Lettuce | Multiple Locations | Find it here electriclettuce.com/locations
The perfect gift for the culinarily inclined! Le Creuset’s covered ceramic fish baker is embossed with an elegant fish motif, making for a striking presentation from oven to table. It’s perfect not only for baking, roasting, steaming, and broiling all manner of fish recipes, but also for vegetables and meat, baking casseroles, one dish meals and more.
Kitchen Kaboodle | Four Store Locations | www.kitchenkaboodle.com
Elevate your holidays with our Sparkling Cedar emerald earrings. Designed to capture the Pacific Northwest’s evergreen beauty, these stunning statement earrings dazzle and shine! Give the gift of elegance www.stoneanviljewelry.com
Cangshan HUA 4-pc. Knife Block Set
Top quality cutlery gifts are available at Kaboodle. We love the affordable Helena knives from Cangshan – an elegantly minimalist interpretation of the modern kitchen knife. This 4-pc. block set features an 8” chef, 5” serrated utility, and 3.5” paring knife, plus a strikingly styled (and space-saving!) solid-acacia block and lifetime warranty against defects in materials and craftsmanship.
Kitchen Kaboodle | Four Store Locations | www.kitchenkaboodle.com
Oregon Cheese for the Holidays Tasting Kits
Oregon Cheese tasting kits include a selection of Oregon cheeses and accompaniments in a reusable insulated tote - to gift to a loved one, serve at your holiday gathering, or better yet, devour yourself! Tune in online to hear more about the cheesemakers, taste through the cheeses, find your perfect pairings, and participate in our raffle. Tasting kits can be picked up at one of five locations statewide.
*photo may not reflect this year’s exact kit contents www.thewedgeportland.com
Gift Guide
The Gift of Live Jazz Music
Give the gift of live music this holiday season with one pair (2) of complimentary tickets to a select upcoming concert during the 2024 Biamp Portland Jazz Festival presented by PDX Jazz. The festival takes place February 16 - March 2 at venues across Portland, with performances by established artists and the next generation of jazz.
PDX Jazz | pdxjazz.org
Coffee by the pound or subscription
Fresh Locally Roasted Coffee? Check. Highest rated coffee roaster in Oregon? Check. Ranked 9th in North America? Check. This year, why not spoil the coffee drinkers in your life? Treat them to award winning coffee roasted in Hillsboro, OR. All our coffee is available by the pound or by subscription. All coffees are ethically sourced. Shop Now Online.
XOBRUNO – Crafting fine leather carryables in the heart of Portland for over a decade
XOBRUNO offers heritage leather carryables created by leathersmith Iris Asher. Her dedication to functional elegance is central in every design, and is sustained from the drawing table to the final rivet, prioritizing minimal waste and conscious craftsmanship. Traditional techniques and quality tools, leather, and hardware ensure a lifetime piece that can handle the daily grind and gets better with time.
@xobruno | xobruno.com | 811 E Burnside
GIVE THE GIFT OF RELAXATION!
Gift cards for Spa Treatments and Products are always available online or in spa. Shop our boutique for specialty eco-friendly body and skincare lines, as well as unique gifts and jewelry! Introducing our NEW Soak and Steam Retreat Studio - the perfect SPAce to host an event, celebrate a special occasion or enjoy some peaceful relaxation all to yourself.
Blooming Moon Wellness Spa | 1417 N. Shaver St. 971.279.2757 | bloomingmoonspa.com
Worst Day of the Year Ride
$30+
March 24 - It’s cold, windy, and raining…the perfect day for a ride! Celebrate Portland’s 25th annual wacky, costumed bike ride and weather-celebrating (or cursing) event! Ride the “hillacious” challenge route over the hills and back, or casually spin around the city on our urban route! Costumes are the norm and great costumes earn great prizes. The event benefits the Community Cycling Center. WorstDayRide.com
Give the gift of a musical experience! Jackalope Jamboree returns for their 5th anniversary June 27-29, 2024 with a lineup including Charley Crockett, Randy Rogers Band, Mike and the Moonpies, Kaitlin Butts, Jason Boland & The Stragglers, Bella White, Joshua Ray Walker, Cody Canada & The Departed, Vandoliers, Cat Clyde, and more. Get your tickets at jackalopejamboree.com/tickets.
BY LINDSAY COSTELLO, AUDREY VANN, SHANNON LUBETICH, AND JULIANNE BELL
ARTS
Black Nativity
Written by innovative playwright, poet, and social activist Langston Hughes, Black Nativity first premiered in 1961 and was one of the first off-Broadway plays composed by an African American person. This interpretation of the gospel play will be presented by PassinArt, an African American theater company that interpreted the bluesy, Pulitzer-nominated play Seven Guitars earlier this year. The production will blend nativity storytelling, dance, and traditional Christmas carols with brand-new songs, and it’s directed by Jerry Foster, who has previously helped direct the Juneteenth and Kwanzaa Celebration for the North Portland library and the Peace Festival for Black Women for Peace. Brunish Hall (Every Thursday–Sunday, from November 22–December 10) LC
Not-Cracker
For those who are just a smidge too cool for The Nutcracker this “unconventional” dance show fits the “holiday-themed, but make it edgy” bill. Choreographed by the cofounders of contemporary dance company Open Space and “renowned Tokyo Street artist” Uno, the production is set in Portland
and stars the company’s dance artists, NØIR, and dozens of kiddos from The School at Open Space. NOT-Cracker also includes an act by performance artist Charles Roy starring the city’s gender-nonconforming ballroom legends House of Ada, who recently competed on HBO’s Legendary Newmark Theatre (Multiple dates between December 16December 17, various times) LC
The Jinkx & DeLa Holiday Show
Jinkx Monsoon, the “internationally tolerated Jewish narcoleptic drag queen,” and BenDeLaCreme, the sugary sweet RuPaul’s Drag Race icon, will bring their unique blend of bubbly effervescence and quirky realness to the stage for this holiday dragstravaganza. The pair plan to show off their sleigh and share why they’re the true queens of Christmas cheer, which already seems undebatable. The show will return to
Christmas Festival of Lights
NOVEMBER 24 - DECEMBER 30
Don your hat and gloves, gather your loved ones, and get excited for one of Portland’s favorite holiday traditions. The Festival of Lights transforms the Grotto into a magical place where twinkling lights and joyful songs guide your way. The plaza tent will host puppet shows at the beginning of every hour, followed by The Grotto Carolers and their merry tunes. Don’t miss the Chapel of Mary’s “cathedral-like acoustics” with performances from local choirs each night. The Grotto SL
town after a wildly successful run last year; expect brand-new songs and a healthy dash of spectacle, plus “adult themes and language.” Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (Wednesday, December 27, 8 pm) LC
Fam Jam: Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special
This screening of history’s best holiday special, Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special honors the memory of Paul Reubens, everyone’s favorite nasally, bow-tied, high-camp artiste who passed in July after a private cancer battle. (It’s not all about him, though: Cher, Oprah, Grace Jones, Little Richard, KD Lang, and the New York Gay Men’s Choir make appearances.) Pee-Wee’s shiny postmodern sarcasm and half-toy, half-human, kitschy sincerity were far more influential than we gave him credit for. If you’re in need of a little spiked-eggnog cheer, I recommend popping on an ugly sweater and taking this flick for a spin—it’s even weirder, and better, than you remember. Tomorrow Theater (Saturday, December 23, 6 pm) LC
Champagne Ball
Wrangle up something gold and glittery, because one of Portland’s fancy-schmanciest New Year’s Eve parties will return for its 31st year. Since relocating to the Portland Art Museum in 2022, the Champagne Ball has expanded to offer up “16,000 square feet of good times,” complete with a video countdown, two ballrooms, party band performances, DJs, “singles beads,” a karaoke lounge, and a “hot and cold hors d’oeuvres buffet.” (The amount of partying you’ll be doing is sure to work up an appetite, right?) Portland Art Museum (Sunday, December 31) LC
OTHER ARTS HIGHLIGHTS
Dracula: A Feminist Revenge Fantasy, Really Multiple dates between November 25 - December 24, various times. Portland Center Stage
Home for the Holidays Every Thursday–Sunday, from November 22–December 23. Broadway Rose New Stage Theatre The Nutcracker Multiple dates between December 8 - December 24. Keller Auditorium
MUSIC
Make the Yuletide Gay
This year, the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus will make the Yuletide gay—as in happy and homosexual. The vocal ensemble has set out to produce the “gayest holiday concert of all time” with a performance inspired by classic variety and sketch comedy shows like The Carol Burnett Show The Muppet Show and Saturday Night Live. Prepare your pipes for some deep, Santa-esque belly laughs—no laugh track necessary! Newmark Theatre (Multiple dates between December 8December 10, various times) AV
The Mercury’s Calendar
Event listings by
Kristin Chenoweth With The Oregon Symphony
Tony-, Grammy-, and Emmy-award-winning Broadway sweetheart and recording artist Kristin Chenoweth has earned national treasure status with beloved roles like Glinda in Wicked, Sally in
You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, and Olive Snook in Pushing Daisies—just to name a few. She will be accompanied by the Oregon Symphony for a festive evening of holiday tunes from her 2021 Christmas album, Happiness Is...Christmas! Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (Thursday, December 14, 7:30 pm) AV
The Muppet Christmas Carol In Concert
Christmas just isn’t Christmas without the Muppets. Every year, I pop in my VHS copies of The Muppet Christmas Carol and the lesser-known TV special A Muppet Family Christmas to gawk at how fabulous Miss Piggy is—seriously, she’s my #1 inspiration. Experience Piggy, Kermit, Gonzo, and the whole gang on the big screen as they retell Charles Dick-
en’s classic holiday tale. The Oregon Symphony will accompany the film with a live performance of Miles Goodman’s memorable score. It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to meet the Muppets because, as Dickens himself once said, “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (Multiple dates between December 16 - December 17, various times) AV
Jenny Don’t and The SpursNew Year’s Eve Cowboy Prom
Ring in the New Year in style at this “cowboy prom” featuring live performances, a balloon drop, and a photo booth to memorialize the evening forever.
The Holiday Express
EVERY FRIDAY–SUNDAY, FROM NOVEMBER 24–DECEMBER 17
Join Santa and his elves aboard a vintage rail car on the historic 1912 Polson #2 steam locomotive for a festive trek along the Willamette River. Unlike the 2004 film about a Christmas train ride, the Holiday Express is very chill and does not dip into the uncanny valley. Daytime rides offer a chance to spot wildlife (reindeer, maybe?), and during evening rides you’ll see the train and city aglow with holiday lights. Bring your Christmas wish list and Santa might just trade you a candy cane for it. Oregon Rail Heritage Center SL
Jenny Don’t and the Spurs will headline with an energetic live set filled with flashy western wear (handmade by Jenny herself). The band pulls inspiration from classic country greats like Patsy Cline and Hank Williams, following suit with the same level of rawness and sincerity. Likeminded country troupe James Jones and the Chupacabras will open. Now can I get a “yee-haw?!” Polaris Hall (Sunday, December 31, 9 pm) AV
Grand Exhale with Nik West Sunday, December 31 · 7:30pm. Alberta Abbey
Crash Test Dummies: Jingle All The Way
Thursday, December 7, 8 pm. Aladdin Theater
The Storm Large Holiday Ordeal
Every day, from November 24–25, 8 pm. Aladdin Theater
Jake Shimabukuro: Christmas in Hawai‘i
Saturday, November 18, 8 pm. Newmark Theatre
CULTURE
Crafty Wonderland
Find one-of-a-kind gifts for everyone on your list at Crafty Wonderland, one of Portland’s OG indie markets. This holiday shopping extravaganza features over 250 artists, designers, and crafters selling wares from ceramic dumplings to bow ties for cats. Grab tickets for Friday’s preview night to get first dibs on the goods and a free drink at the bar, or save money on Saturday and Sunday timed-entry tickets (they’re just $4, and you can stay as long as you like). Oregon Convention Center (Multiple dates between December 8 - December 10, various times) SL
Christmas Ships Parade
You’ll have the chance to see more than three ships come sailing in during the 69th annual Christmas Ships Parade this year. During the chilly evenings in the first half of December, decorated ships will head up and down both the Columbia and Willamette rivers, bringing holiday joy to the crowds gathered onshore. Grab a thermos of hot cocoa and make sure to check the schedule, we’re aiming for nights when both fleets make an appearance in the same spot for maximum sparkly ship sightings. Willamette River (Multiple dates between December 1 - December 17) SL
Sobriety Powow
New Year’s celebrations can be tricky for those who don’t drink, and the Native American Rehabilitation Association (NARA) puts together a sober alternative every year featuring youth activities, drumming, dancing, and a sober countdown. The organizers encourage attendees to bring a drum or dancing shoes and join in! The Sobriety Powwow has moved a little outside the city this time, but we think it’s worth the trek (plus, you’ll be sober and can make the drive). Wingspan Event & Conference Center (Hillsboro) (Sunday, December 31, 1 pm) SL
Pink Martini: Home(Town) For The Holidays With The Oregon Symphony
EVERY DAY, FROM DECEMBER 20–21, 7:30 PM
Portland’s own “little orchestra” Pink Martini features over a dozen musicians who perform a multilingual repertoire of slinky jazz, theatrical classical, catchy pop, and vibrant global sounds. The band has a certain je ne sais quoi that puts everyone in a good mood—they don’t just perform a show, they know how to throw a party. For this annual hometown concert, the ensemble will perform a mix of classic Christmas carols to get you in the holiday spirit. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall AV
Portland Holiday Drink Week
’Tis the season for warming wintry libations, from mulled wine to spiked cocoa. Ready to get your nog on? The Portland Mercury and EverOut have you covered with our Holiday Drink Week, a new annual tradition that debuted last year. For one week only, you’ll find a variety of exclusive holiday-themed drink specials at participating bars and restaurants around town. Why not round up some friends, bundle up in your coziest attire, and head out on a self-guided booze tour? One thing’s for certain: these won’t be your ordinary cups of cheer. Various Locations (Every day, from November 27–December 3) JB ■
OTHER CULTURE HIGHLIGHTS
39th Annual Tree
Lighting Ceremony
Friday, November 24, 5:30–6:30 pm. Pioneer Courthouse Square
ScanFair
December 9, 10 am-5 pm, December 10, 10 am- 4 pm.
Oregon Convention Center
Peacock Lane
Every day, from December 15–31, 6–11 pm. Peacock Lane
Weihnachtsmarkt
Saturday, December 2, 11 am –6 pm. German
American Society
Scandinavian Christmas
Goat Market
Saturday, November 25, 10 am–4 pm. Norse Hall
My People’s Market
December 2–3, 11 am–5 pm. Oregon Convention Center
Portland Bazaar
Every Saturday & Sunday, from December 9–17, 11 am–4 pm. Premier Gear & Machine Works Building
End of Year Africa
Elegance Night
Saturday, December 30, 8 pm. Morrison Market
Stumptown
SantaCon
Saturday, December 16, 4–10 pm. Wristband pickup is at the Ankeny Alley
street closure from 2 pm-9 pm
That’s just a taste! Find our comprehensive guide to winter events at EverOut.com/Portland
CERAMIC PODS
DENISE KRUEGER
THE (WHITE) ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
Sometimes
a white elephant gift exchange goes awry. Other times, you end up with a portable bidet that can put out fires.
BY TAYLOR GRIGGS
Choosing a present for a white elephant gift exchange is a daunting endeavor. Historically, the term “white elephant” (which apparently originates from royal gift-giving customs surrounding real white elephants in Southeast Asia) has referred to unwanted possessions that are difficult to get rid of. Wrap your shit up in red and green wrapping paper and make it someone else’s problem!
The way my family plays it, though, white elephant exchanges are not opportunities to avoid a trip to the Goodwill donation center. Every Christmas, there’s an unspoken—yet fierce— competition for the most ridiculous gift, and earning that title requires work and a little bit of money. A novelty mug or Chia Pet is okay. A singing plastic reindeer that poops jellybeans, or perhaps toilet paper with Donald Trump’s face on it is better. Over the years, my family’s annual white elephant exchange has been the backdrop to screaming matches between adult relatives and children, as well as the subsequent catharsis that can only come from publicly hashing it out with your fully-grown aunt over who gets to keep the whoopie cushion with a $15 Starbucks gift card inside. The game provides an arena for hidden family traumas to reveal themselves in intergenerational feuds and alliances. People have left crying on several occasions. A couple of marriages may have ended. It’s a great time. Last Christmas, things felt a little differ-
ent. The party, held at my parents’ house in Colorado, was smaller, owing to inclement weather and conflicting travel plans. It was also the first Christmas without two of my grandparents: My mother’s father (known as “Papa” to my sister and I) and my father’s mother (AKA “Amma”) both passed away the previous February. (The deaths were unrelated, but coincidentally occurred within about 24 hours of each other.)
We still played white elephant, but instead of an all-out brawl, people were noticeably more tender with each other. There was no crying; people kept their passive-aggressive comments to themselves. I ended the game with a puzzle that seemed to be missing three pieces, but I chalked it up to a mistake instead of a cruel trick (though, given my family’s mentality around this game, it certainly could’ve been the latter).
When all was said and done, my younger cousin Jake ended up with the best present: A handheld, portable bidet, roughly the size and shape of an electric toothbrush. Everyone “oohed” and “ahhed” at the device, and asked Jake to please refrain from bringing it back the following year as a regift.
“No way, this is mine,” Jake said, heading to the kitchen sink to fill it with water. The bidet was capable of producing quite an intense stream and could serve a double function as a military-grade squirt gun (preferably before its first use).
As I ran from the bidet/water gun, I no-
ticed my parents standing outside in the cold, reading the instructions for a pair of paper “sky lanterns” they’d bought to commemorate Papa and Amma on our first Christmas without them.
My parents had been talking about these lanterns for months, inspired by their beauty after seeing them featured in a Salma Hayek movie. The lanterns are the kind that can float on air, propelled by a small fire at the base of the lantern.
What my parents didn’t know is that the lanterns are banned in dozens of states (including Oregon) as well as several countries due to the inherent fire risk they pose. An article in Wildfiretoday.com—which apparently keeps close track of the legal standing of these lanterns—states that “after [the lanterns] are launched, they are completely out of control and can rise to 3,000 feet, later landing on the ground, in trees, or on structures. They have ignited roofs and started a fire that burned 800 acres in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina in 2011.”
But they’re legal in Colorado, and from their depiction in the movies, they look lovely and simple enough to operate. It had just snowed, so it seemed unlikely a falling, fiery lantern would light the ground on fire. If one was caught in a tree? That could be a different story.
As other family members noticed my parents (literally) playing with fire in their backyard, the mood became tense.
“Roberta, I don’t think your father would’ve wanted us to burn your house down in his name,” my mom’s mother said to her.
My aunt closed her eyes.
“I can’t watch,” she said.
At this point, my parents had realized the folly of their plan, but were intent on carrying it out anyway. I readied the backyard hose on the jet setting in case I needed to shoot them down. Unfortunately, thanks to subzero temperatures the day before, the outside pipes seemed to be frozen over. But I had another idea.
“Jake! Get that bidet out here!” I called into the house. He came running, armed with what we could now see was so much more than a bidet. It was a potentially life-saving multitool, capable of performing asshole deep-cleaning and putting out fires resulting from well-intentioned memorials for beloved family members.
The lanterns floated a few feet in the air, looking peaceful for a couple seconds before Jake came in with the bidet. We laughed and knew Amma and Papa would be laughing too, and might have been, wherever they are.
That’s the beauty of white elephant. As families change, losing and adding people around the Christmas dinner table, it’s always possible to create new memories. It’s even better if those memories don’t involve starting a forest fire. ■
PETER GAMLEN
THE TERRORISM TRAP
In 2010, a young Portlander attempted to detonate a bomb at the annual Portland Christmas tree lighting. Was he a burgeoning terrorist or just a disturbed kid entrapped by the FBI?
BY ABE ASHER
On the morning of November 27, 2010, Portlanders woke up to disturbing news: someone, the FBI said, had tried to bomb the annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony at Pioneer Courthouse Square.
According to federal law enforcement officials, the suspect, Mohamed Osman Mohamud, was arrested in a sting operation after trying to detonate a car bomb at the crowded event. Thanks to the FBI’s intervention, the bomb had no explosive components.
Mohamud was arrested and charged with a single count of attempting to use a weapon of mass destruction. In late January of 2013, an Oregon jury found him guilty. Several months later, he was sentenced to 30 years in prison.
For many who lived through it, the attempted bombing is now a distant memory—a frightening blip in a long-ago holiday season.
But for others, the circumstances that led to Mohamud’s arrest remain extremely troubling, raising questions about the integrity of the FBI and about who got the benefit of the doubt in a country still recovering from the trauma of the September 11 attacks, while still at war in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Mohamud was born in Somalia. He came to the United States as a refugee and grew up in Beaverton. He graduated from Westview High School and attended Oregon State University before dropping out just months before the attempted bombing.
In 2008, Mohamud had a run-in with security officials at London’s Heathrow Airport that he reportedly believed was a result of racial and religious profiling. After that incident, Mohamud allegedly began registering an interest in Islamic fundamentalism—corresponding with a man who ran a website for US supporters of al-Qaeda and considering travel to Saudi Arabia.
Just over a year later, in November of 2009, an undercover FBI agent contacted Moha-
mud over his email account. The following June, another undercover agent using the alias “Youssef” made contact and established a relationship with Mohamud—asking him what he was “willing to do for the cause.”
The FBI agent presented Mohamud with a range of options, including martyrdom, and eventually supplied the financial resources, equipment, and training necessary for the plan to bomb the Christmas tree lighting ceremony.
According to FBI officials, Mohamud was undeterred in his commitment to the bombing plot even after he was told that children would be killed. After he attempted to detonate the bomb that he didn’t know was harmless, he was arrested.
But almost immediately, an array of civil rights groups protested—arguing that Mohamud had been taken advantage of by FBI officials more interested in locking him up than in steering him away from radical violence.
The extent to which the FBI pushed Mohamud toward the attempted bombing remains contested. According to his defense, Mohamud’s period of radicalization was in late high school—before he left the Portland area for Corvallis and, according to his attorneys, became less radically inclined.
At his trial, Mohamud’s public defense attorneys argued that he was entrapped by the FBI. The evidence they presented included an email from an FBI official who wrote to his supervisor stating that Mohamud “appears to be a confused college kid that talks mildly radical jihad out one ear, and typical 18-year-old college kid (drugs, sex, and drinking) out the other.”
At that point, FBI emails suggested that the bureau was considering developing Mohamud as a source of information—and was not, at least overtly, concerned that he might be imminently planning a terrorist attack himself. They also found him to be “manipulable.”
But the standards for what legally qualifies as entrapment are narrow, and the jury in Mohamud’s case—which included a member whose young children were at the tree lighting ceremony—found him guilty.
Mohamud has now been incarcerated for nearly a decade-and-a-half and is approaching the midway point of his sentence. He is currently being held at the Federal Correction Institute in Sandstone, Minnesota, a low-security prison situated between Minneapolis and Duluth. The Federal Bureau of Prisons did not respond to the Mercury’s request to speak to Mohamud for this story.
According to legal filings, Mohamud has thus far survived his period of incarceration with grace. He has reportedly disavowed any sort of violent ideology, tutored fellow incarcerated people on anger management, taken public speaking classes, and helped devise a deradicalization program with other prison personnel.
But none of that seems to be helping Mohamud in his efforts to leave prison before the end of his sentence.
In May of last year, Mohamud’s current attorney Per Olson filed for his compassionate release from prison citing the toll of the COVID-19 crisis and his client’s distance from his family as reasons why he should be allowed to leave incarceration.
But the federal government fought back, arguing that Mohamud should be left in jail, in part to deter other would-be criminal actors.
“Detonating a bomb was the defendant’s plan, as was the crowded location and the timing during a major holiday event… Given all these facts—and a desire to deter other potential terrorists—the sentencing judge selected a 30-year sentence,” Assistant U.S. Attorney Amy Potter wrote. “Nothing presented by defendant warrants immediate release or even cutting that sentence in half.”
The judge, U.S. District Judge Marco A.
Hernandez, sided with the government— ruling that Mohamud had not presented enough “compelling” evidence as to why he should be released. Hernandez also sided with the government in October, rejecting Mohamud’s latest attempt to secure a new trial on the basis that the judge in his initial case should have recused himself given that he had a family member and a law clerk at the tree lighting ceremony.
Olson said he plans to appeal the latest decision and wants to continue trying to secure Mohamud’s release from prison.
“This isn’t over,” Olson told the Mercury “There’s a procedural hurdle I need to overcome, but I am going to appeal this to the Ninth Circuit.”
In 2015, two legal scholars in New York conducted a study of how many post-9/11 terrorism convictions had been the product of entrapment. They found not only that entrapment was “quite widespread in post9/11 terrorism cases,” but also that fewer than ten percent of terrorism prosecutions likely thwarted genuine terrorist threats.
“In light of these findings, the Article recommends that authorities rethink current counterterrorism strategies, concentrating on passive surveillance instead of attempts to coax law-abiding Muslims into terrorist schemes, and shifting more resources toward preventing right-wing terrorism,” the authors wrote.
Eight years later, there is no indication that the government has reckoned with the extent to which an atmosphere of rampant Islamophobia affected law enforcement approaches to counterterrorism following the attacks of September 11—all while people like Mohamud remain sitting in prison, biding their time until they can get out and attempt to rebuild their lives.
Jesse Norris, one of those authors, wrote in a subsequent publication that the post9/11 atmosphere gave “rise to a cultural and political economy of convictions in which a type of racialized police misconduct—itself a state crime—is normalized and rewarded.”
Mohamud is just one of a number of people whose lives were likely unalterably changed by that political atmosphere. Barring legal intervention, Mohamud won’t be released from prison until 2040—just prior to his 50th birthday.
For now Mohamud remains incarcerated in Minnesota, apparently urging others not to travel down the same path he did.
“If released, Mr. Mohamud would continue to do these same good works in the community,” Olsen wrote in a 2021 court motion. “He would return to Oregon and live with his mother who still resides in the Portland area.” ■
Pioneer Courthouse Square, a few days after the attempted bombing.
Mohamed Osman Mohamud at 19 years old in 2010.
MULTNOMAH COUNTY SHERIFF OFFICE
CRAIG MITCHELLDYER/GETTY IMAGES
CLOCKING IN FOR CHRISTMAS
Dispatches from job sites that don’t shut down for the holidays.
BY COURTNEY VAUGHN
Whether it’s the dedicated souls working the projector at a local movie theater, front desk staff at a hotel, back of house staff at any number of restaurants, or the seasoned barkeep making small talk while pouring liquor, for many workers, Christmas is “just a normal day” as one hotel employee put it. So who are these brave souls who work the holidays for those who can’t? Here are the stories of two such heroes.
Tie one on for Santa Tucked in a lot in inner Southeast Portland, lies Beer Mongers—an unassuming bottle shop and tap room. Behind the counter, David Voss is pouring, as customers trickle in on a Thursday afternoon. The space is unassuming, and The Replacements are on heavy rotation. Near the entrance, a sign displays 5,157— the number of days the bar’s been open since the business launched 14 years ago.
It’s an atmosphere Voss likens to “drinking in somebody’s garage,” if that garage were tidy and filled with craft beer.
The bar is open daily, including holidays. “We’re open by choice,” Voss says of the bar’s Christmas hours. “We have a lot of regulars, so they’d be here regardless.”
For others, it’s a place to bring family visit-
ing from out of town, or for tourists to sample some of what the Northwest does best—beer.
To the right of the bar, a giant sign-up sheet is posted with names. The tap room’s staff and repeat customers are planning a potluck for Thanksgiving.
“We sort of function as that third space for people,” Voss says, referring to the setting that isn’t home, or work, but a gathering spot or preferred locale.
Voss can remember the year a glass blower and frequent bar patron fashioned beer bottle tops into single-hit pipes that were given to Beer Mongers staff as stocking stuffers.
Voss, 37, a Houston native who landed in Portland and doesn’t have family nearby, says if he weren’t working at the bar on Christmas, he’d probably be sitting at its counter, or making the rounds at one of the many tap rooms within a mile radius, before cozying up to a horror movie. His situation is common in Portland–a city teeming with 30 and 40-somethings whose families live in distant states.
“When you know everyone is doing something, somewhere, there’s a feeling of why not?” Voss says of working the holiday.
‘Your Christmas is about to take a strange turn’ For the past decade, Shana Kusin has spent each Christmas in the hospital.
Dr. Kusin is a physician at Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU). Each year, while the city is awash in lights and holiday decor, and most businesses are closed, she volunteers to work a shift or two in the emergency department at OHSU.
Hers is one of many professions that can’t, or won’t, take the day off.
Dr. Kusin, 47, is Jewish. Growing up, Christmas day meant going out for Chinese food and heading to a movie theater with family.
Despite her appreciation for the season’s spirited decor and traditions, she doesn’t maintain the same sentimental attachment to the holiday that many of her peers do.
“We always joked that all the Jewish doctors and nurses are at the hospitals during Christmas,” Dr. Kusin said. “I feel almost a moral obligation to be there, because for so many of my colleagues, it’s critically important for them to have it off.”
It isn’t LEGOs up the nose or ski accidents, or even cooking mishaps that land people in the hospital for the holiday. More often, it’s people who are lonely and depressed, or those who have been pushed to seek medical treatment by a family member.
“I see a solid portion of patients who really don’t need to be there, but they needed somewhere to go, and there was something on their minds,” Dr. Kusin says. “Beyond that, people really try to stay away from the hospital.”
While many are at home and giving gifts, Dr. Kusin often has to give heavy news.
“I feel like almost every Christmas, I have to tell someone I’m diagnosing them with cancer they didn’t know they had, or I’m diagnosing a blood clot,” Dr. Kusin says.
“I remember a patient from another state who had a major blood clot straining his heart from a cancer he didn’t know about. I think about him every year.”
She recalls another patient who had put off seeing a doctor before collapsing during dinner with family.
“Sometimes people see family on Christmas they haven’t seen for a while, and the family recognizes they’re not doing so well,” Dr. Kusin says.
Sometimes that bad news is what saves a life.
“I remember one year someone came in who was healthy and had no medical symptoms, and ended up having a mass,” Dr. Kusin recalls. “They got admitted and started treatment… and that was four years ago. Even though I only saw this person in the ER, I ended up on their care team and I get updates that this person is doing fantastic.
“Every time I see that, I immediately remember I talked to them on Christmas Eve and I’m so happy for them… that they had a good outcome like that.” ■
Beer Monger barkeep David Voss is just one of Portland’s hero employees who keep the holidays merry.
