Calling
Lovebirds:
BY WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
Get ready for the most UN-shocking revelation of your life: I think about sex… A LOT. And I think about love, too… also A LOT. However, it’s not just for the obvious reasons. While I am a hopeless romantic as well as an inveterate horn-dog, I don’t think of love and sex as two things that exist simply to give us comfort and pleasure. That’s certainly a BIG part of it, but the way we love and how we love is at the root of who we are as humans, and has a huge effect on everything and everyone around us.
For example, there are waaaaaay too many people in our nation who see love and sex purely in selfish terms. Because of their (white) race, religion, or financial standing in the world, these narcissists feel entitled to love and sex without offering anything in return. But wait… there’s more! They also want to control how others exhibit and share their love. And of course, that’s not “love” at all, is it? It’s selfish, immoral
behavior that springs from self-hatred and the inability to turn love outward to a world that desperately needs it.
But we don’t have to be that way. We can share our love and sexual expression in a positive way that lifts others up and celebrates the inherent awesomeness of our personalities and lives. And that’s what we’re trying to accomplish with this year’s very fun, very sweet, and very horny Mercury LOVE/SEX issue—now in print and available at more than 500 spots all over town!
Just check out what we’ve got in store: If you’re anything like me, you’re endlessly fascinated by the topic of sex, which includes how we do it, where we’re doing it, and who we’re doing it to! That’s why we’re bringing back the Mercury ’s wildly popular and fun SEX SURVEY in which our readers anonymously confess allllll the hot, sexy, and undeniably horny stuff they’ve been up to all year. (And let me tell you? There’s some jaw-dropping stuff in
there!) But just as important is the return of the Mercury READER VALENTINES, in which romantic lovebirds (just like YOU) continue to send in their mushiest, gushiest, and short letters of love to their significant others, pets, and fuck buddies… and we print them all for FREE! (Miss the deadline to get your missive printed in this issue? Never fear! You can continue to send your valentines to the Mercury and we’ll print them ALL online and for free at portlandmercury.com/valentines all the way through February 15… and we’ll even send your schmoopy-woopy an email to let them know they’ve got a valentine waiting for them! Now if that ain’t love? I don’t know what is.)
But, OH! We’re just getting started, baby! In this issue we’ve also got a lot more in store, including an interview with a sex worker, finding love in the bike community, how to show yourself more love and care this winter, the horniest (and anti-horniest)
food around Portland, tons of fun events to keep yourself preoccupied when you’re not fucking, and even a lovable, sexy-as-hell fun page filled with puzzles that will tickle your brain along with your nethers.
So that’s why this edition of the Mercury ’s LOVE/SEX issue is dedicated to the sexiest, most lovable person I know… and that’s YOU! We see the way you send your love out into the world, and how you use sexuality to express yourself and lift others up—and if I’m being honest? That is just so wicked HOT . In fact, I think I need to cool myself down for a minute, so I’m going to sign off for now and let you luxuriate in the warm embrace of our LOVE/SEX issue. Hope you enjoy it, and remember: You are perfect and sexy just the way you are!
Your forever valentine, Wm. Steven Humphrey Editor in Chief Portland Mercury
Editorial
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Circulation
THE TRASH REPORT
BY ELINOR JONES ALL’S FAIR IN LOVE AND TRASH
What’s happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to this very special Trash Report for our LOVE/SEX issue. Some may say that love is a many-splendored thing. Others may say: love is a bitch. If you’re down and out during this red heart season, come sit next to me, and let’s gossip about some famous people who have recently seen the business end of a breakup Post-it.
The most devastating breakup of 2024 was, of course, Bennifer 2.0, AKA the second falling out of love of Jennifer Lopez Ben Affleck. I’m not go ing to lie: this one hurt. When Jen and Ben reconciled during those dark days of early COVID, and we got the paparazzi pictures of him smok ing outside, like he just gotten laid ten kinds of sideways, with his face to the sun as if he’d found a newly restored faith in God—we needed that! It gave us hope that things were going to be okay. It was a pandemic balm not unlike being able to buy a really big thing of toilet paper, having a friend who knew how to make bread, or not dying. It makes me so mad because we Affleck dragged her back and then he’s the one who decided he couldn’t hang; like, yeah, J.Lo is probably a hard person to be married to, but that’s why none of us are trying to do it! She didn’t deserve that! The hubris of white men!!
•••••
Phew. Okay, in lower stakes breakups: Tori Spelling and her husband Dean McDer mott called it quits last year after 16 years of marriage. In addition to her breakout role as Donna Martin in Beverly Hills 90210 , Tori has made a name for herself by nam ing stuff after herself; such vanity projects include titles Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood TORIous, True Tori Cabin Fever , Tori & Dean: Inn Love and sTORI Telling, among others. I don’t know if Tori will want to do a reality series based on her divorce, but if she does, she’s got a TON of options! Might I suggest The True sTORI , Uncharted TerriTORI , The DiTOR(i)ce , or TORIrreconcilable Differences? And then if Dean wants in on his own show, it could be called Dean McDersplit
AMYSUSSMAN/GETTYIMAGES
Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet are getting divorced after seven years of marriage. I think this is one of those things like how it’s inadvisable to eat ice cream while you’re having sex? Like sometimes two really beautiful things simply do not work together. There can be too much perfection in one spot. Bonet and Momoa are, quite simply, too hot. Having sparks constantly flying is not a sustainable way to live. It’s like buying a house in a wildfire zone: just try getting homeowner’s insurance when you’ve living in a tinderbox and the whole damn thing could explode at any moment.
And on this same family tree, Lisa Bonet’s adult daughter Zoe Kravitz (from Bonet’s marriage to Lenny Kravitz—another pairing too white-hot to survive) recently split from her fiancé, actor Channing Tatum after three years together. It was some weird timing—Kravitz’s directorial debut film Blink Twice starred Tatum, and
the two did the red carpet rounds as an engaged couple, and only when that was over were they like, “um mmmmmmm… never mind.”
Going from being a couple who was super busy with work to being a couple who is home together all the time with nothing else going on will certainly strain a relationship! Just ask anyone who spent a tense lockdown with a significant oth er. I will miss seeing them getting photographed together, though; their vibes were always chaotically mismatched, and I guess I never really bought Kravitz as a wife-of-a-buckethat-guy kind of gal. •••••
and ons, three babies, and several rounds of alternating between blasting each other and then declaring profound love on social media. While the toxicity meter is off the charts, I’m so grateful for these two for giving us so much. After all, who among us during yet another nasty split hasn’t wanted to tweet to EIGHT HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE to “please take this man off my hands, the garbage bag is too heavy!!” Cardi did that. Nearly a billion people read that . God, it’s got to feel amazing. For her credit, Cardi B did also clarify that she didn’t want him to get hit by a truck. That is MATURITY, people.
Horny pixie dream girl Sabrina Carpenter Barry Keoghan broke up after only a year of dating. I don’t know how quickly albums are produced and which, if any, songs on her latest Short n’ Sweet album are about Barry, but I do wonder about lyrics like “you’re so dumb and poetic / it’s just what I fall for, I like the aesthetic” and “this boy doesn’t even know the difference between there their and they are” and “we love to mistake butterflies for cardiac arrest.” Was this split foretold months ago when she was writing the album and blasted him for being a himbo dumbass? Then again, the other 90 percent of the album is about being sexed up and good, so we can call it a mixed bag as far as lyrical hints go.
writing, is off, is Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly. I wonder if she finally realized how stupid his stage name is, or if something else is going on? Again, the timing here is a bitch, as Fox and MGK had just confirmed her pregnancy with their first baby together following an earlier miscarriage. And you know what? This bums me out. These are two people I want to get back together. Sure, it was annoying when they went to the Met Ball a few years ago and they were constantly licking each other in all the pictures, but I’d rather they be licking each other than licking somebody else.
Who am I kidding: I want all these couples to get back together! I love a complicated love story. I mean, they aren’t making a fourth Bridget Jones movie because we like things to be settled. The back and forth is the fun stuff! Some of us are in very boring (but fulfilling!) relationships; we need rich and beautiful people to do wild shit so we can question their judgment whilst being very smug in our own! We are but starving trash pandas, digging through the garbage cans that are the celebrity gossip industry, gnawing on broken hearts for clicks, but as romantic trash pandas, hoping to put those hearts back together again. (For more clicks. But also: for love.)
years together, which included many offs
Yours in love and garbage,
Jen & Ben
Jason & Lisa
Offset & Cardi B
Megan Fox & Machine Gun Kelly
PHILLIPFARAONE/GETTYIMAGES
Demystifying Sex Work with Elle Stanger
The Portland sex educator schools us on the definition of sex work as well as its misconceptions.
BY COURTNEY VAUGHN
Elle Stanger is a certified sex educator, stripper, writer, podcaster, and sex worker. She’s spent the last 20 years in the adult entertainment industry and is now certified through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT). Stanger’s latest podcast endeavor, They Talk Sex, explores various topics around sexuality, identity, and selfhelp. Stanger recently sat down with the Portland Mercury to set the record straight about sex work, sex trafficking, boundaries, and finding sexual empowerment.
Portland Mercury: How long have you been in this field?
Elle Stanger: I started nude internet and print modeling at the age of 19 in 2005, and touch work, specifically stripping, in 2009. I’ve since expanded to dominatrix, phone sex, porn making, web cam, and more.
How do you define sex work?
Sex work, in my definition, is the exchange of sexually relevant services, usually related to arousal, as defined by the participants for agreed-upon compensation or trade. Ideally, these people are adults, and doing so consensually. Someone, in my experience, who identifies as a sex worker does sexually relevant services for trade, usually money, sometimes for bartering.
What about stripping?
Some people, I would say, are “adult entertainers”—[for example] if they’re making soft core porn, or maybe they’re pole dancers
who aren’t doing lap dances. …Stripping is a very challenging, legitimate—and can be a privileged—type of sex work, for sure. Some people are going to call themselves hustlers. Some people are going to say they’re artists. Some are going to say they’re dancers. I think it depends on the politics of the stripper and how they want to identify.
Can you talk about important physical and/ or emotional boundaries involved in sex work?
Clients will show up in a wide spectrum of ways. Some people will be so concerned with hurting you or making you uncomfortable or being inappropriate, that they can’t relax and enjoy it at all, and that’s a shame. Other people don’t care about you as a human being and are there to objectify you, maybe even with malice or as an emotional and physical punching bag, and that is scary and dangerous. So it’s a spectrum. A lot of people are in the middle, whereas they’re curious, maybe aroused, but they don’t know how to behave and haven’t been given context to know how, because our society kind of sucks about talking about consent—so I make notes on physical and/or emotional boundaries that work for me.
What are some of the most common stigmas or misconceptions you encounter about sex workers?
I sometimes still meet people who assume their life is more important than mine, and it’s uncomfortable for them to view me as having things in common with
them. It’s also unfortunate, but some of the most common stigmas or misconceptions are that all clients are men. They are definitely not. Women are also clients. Sex workers are also clients sometimes.
What are the legalities around paying for sex in Oregon?
The Oregon statute on prostitution [says] a person commits the crime of prostitution if that person engages in or offers or agrees to engage in sexual conduct or sexual contact, in return for a fee. Well, what the fuck is a lap dance then, right?
It’s a Class A misdemeanor, and yet so much of our fair city is built on strip clubs. There’s no continuity between what the law says and what’s actually happening.
Police [are] running operations which include surveillance, targeted at men paying for sex from people working outdoors. It targets a specific class, or range of people, which is poor and middle-class. Most of these arrestees are of color, and then they pay about $1,400–which a lot of people just don’t have–to go through a rehabilitation program we call “John school” which is full of shaming and misinformation. The idea of the program is telling these men that by trying to pay for sex, you are furthering trafficking, which is not true.
On that topic, we’ve heard a lot about sex trafficking lately, particularly from police. Do you think that’s indicative of a large human trafficking problem in Portland, or do you think police are misusing that phrase?
Oh absolutely, yeah. They’re doing it
on purpose. It’s the Nordic “end demand” model: preventing or punishing clients from interacting, which is a passive way to do violence against the sex workers themselves. The police working on these cases [often] deal with victims’ cases, so there’s the assumption of harm.
Meanwhile, it makes it harder for people who are actually trying to make money… to get clients, because clients are scared. When clients are scared, they act weirder and it’s harder to screen.
In order to address sex trafficking, we have to address domestic violence, homelessness, coerced sexual labor, substance dependency, food scarcity, poverty, and incest. These are all fuel for human trafficking… and yet people don’t want to publicly address them, and they’re not offering real services to the victims.*
On that note, how can we foster a safe/ healthy sex work landscape without encouraging trafficking or exploitation?
We have to start seeing sex work as a type of labor. No matter what you’re doing for work, you should be able to negotiate safety, rates, timing, when you leave, any dangerous factors. Youth who turn into adults and want to do sex work will be more informed if we live in a society that teaches consent and communication, and people can advocate for themselves and be able to identify intimate partner violence, or exploitation, while also keeping themselves safer online. It’s a myriad of things.
What’s the secret to sexual empowerment?
It helps to have good role models. It can also be helpful to have reframes, and that includes media that’s body positive, curious, risk-aware, and sex positive. Portland is really good about this, with resources like the Q Center. She Bop [a Portland sex toy shop] is a great jumping off place, and my podcast, They Talk Sex is a really good way to network. A lot of people have not only found resources—they’ve learned more about themselves.
Read the entire interview at portlandmercury.com.
*Editor’s note: For their part, Portland Police Bureau says it partners with a nonprofit called Safety Compass to provide advocacy services to sex workers younger than 25 who’ve experienced “commercial sexual exploitation and human trafficking.” The Bureau says it offers trauma-informed, victim-centered services to trafficking victims who often have “trauma bonds with traffickers and fear of retaliation.”
Sex educator Elle Stanger
Love and Bicycles
How Portland’s bike scene facilitates romance in the age of dating apps and loneliness.
BY TAYLOR GRIGGS
When Carey Booth and Jack Coleman met in the spring of 2023, neither of them had any inkling of their future together. Both were in their mid-60s, retired, and single, but they were in different places when it came to romance: While Booth was looking for a relationship, Coleman was not.
But the two became friends after an encounter at Bike Happy Hour, a weekly bike-centered social event hosted by BikePortland’s Jonathan Maus. Booth and Coleman continued to run into each other throughout that summer, usually while they were on their bikes.
“It took all summer slowly running into each other, either at Bike Happy Hour or on Pedalpalooza rides. We both think it’s kind of amazing, given there were 900 rides that summer and we never planned it,” Booth told the Mercury. “We just kept going, ‘Oh, there you are again.’ And we just kept talking a little bit more each time, all summer long.”
Their replacements have come in the form of social media and dating apps, both of which sort users based on algorithms and are well-known for causing misery.
If you can’t tell where this is going, Booth and Coleman fell in love—but it was a slow burn that developed over months of acquaintanceship and then friendship. As lovers do, they often marvel at the way they got together, rehashing the summer of 2023.
“We’ve analyzed this up one side and down the other over the last 14 months that we’ve been together. It worked out perfectly. While he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t pushing too hard. I was like, ‘I’ll just take my time here and see what happens next,’” Booth said. “And it was all about the bikes.”
We live in an age of loneliness and isolation. While people used to meet their partners and other members of their social circle at work, their places of worship, at community events, or through mutual friends, many of those opportunities to connect have fallen out of favor or disappeared.
People of all ages report their dissatisfaction with dating apps—Booth described two mediocre OkCupid dates with men who clearly weren’t a match—but younger people (especially women) are particularly fed up. Data show members of Gen Z are leaving the apps , and some are already so sick of dating they aren’t looking for other ways to meet people.
What if there was another way? For many, Portland’s bike scene has been something of an antidote to the poison of dating apps and dead-end situationships. And for those who aren’t in the market for romance, going to bike events is an excellent way to make friends.
One reason the biking community is such a great conduit for romance and connection is the frequency of rides throughout the year. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of group bike rides listed on the Shift calendar every year, with Pedalpalooza taking over as the main event in the summertime. This allows for relationships to develop organically, which can be hard to find once people graduate college and stop seeing their crushes and friends in class or at parties on a regular basis.
If you see a cutie at the Pedalpalooza Kick Off ride, you might get another opportunity to talk to them at an event the next day or week. And if you manage to get their number, no need to rack your brain for date ideas. Just ask them what their plans are for Loud N Lit (arguably the big -
gest bike party of the year, involving lots of glow sticks and usually a dance party on the top of the Lloyd Center parking garage).
If you’re looking for something serious, you can ask them to be your date to Bike Prom—or, if you’re brave, the World Naked Bike Ride.
Bradley Bondy, who met his girlfriend Sydney at the Loud N Lit last summer, told the Mercury “there’s something about a bike ride that makes it easy to chat and meet folks that you don’t get in many other contexts.” He said he’s also met many of his friends through bike rides or by chatting about Portland urbanism on social media.
“[Sydney] found her way to Loud N Lit through a mutual friend’s friend. We chatted and had a good time, and I was enamored with her,” Bondy said. “Now, a few months later, we’re moving in together!”
Booth said she specifically thinks the Bike Happy Hour, which takes place every Wednesday afternoon at Migration Brewing on North Williams Ave, provides a special opportunity to meet people. It’s easy to remember where and when it is, and the environment enables connecting with people.
“If the happy hour was just once a month, on every third Wednesday or something, who could remember?” Booth said. “It’s a real draw for people to come every week and have that time to visit. I just love the diversity of ages and cycling types… but you know you have at least one thing in common with everybody there.”
Many bike rides also contain an element of adventure, as well as a chance to release some endorphins, creating the perfect
(natural) chemical cocktail for romance. One person I talked to met a former love interest on a Midnight Mystery Ride (exactly what it sounds like) after he helped them get back home from a far-away, middle-of-the-night adventure when their bike broke down. Tip: Bike mechanic skills are sexy.
When I biked with a group to Multnomah Falls in 2022, I didn’t meet a partner, but I did become very comfortable with a group of strangers in record time. There’s something about pushing the bounds of your comfort zone and bodily capacity that facilitates painless connection with others.
It also helps develop a deeper, more loving relationship with yourself, which helps build the foundation for a healthy romantic connection or friendship. When I fell madly in love with my bike and all the places it could take me, it was easier to love myself—after all, I was the one pushing the pedals.
Booth said she has experienced other kinds of personal development since becoming active in the bike community. She takes over as substitute Bike Happy Hour host when the usual host, BikePortland’s Jonathan Maus, isn’t around, and led her first Pedalpalooza ride last summer.
“When you’re a woman over 50, you could walk naked down the street and nobody would say anything because they can’t see you. You’re invisible,” she said. “Now, I do feel visible and useful. That’s been a fun addition to my life.”
I didn’t meet my boyfriend on a bike ride, but we biked together on our first date, and he’s been my favorite person to ride with ever since. We have long talks while meandering through city streets—no road rage or backseat driving involved in our commutes. I’m lucky to be with someone who shares my love for riding a bike. Many people I talked to felt the same way, either about their current relationship or what they desire in a future one.
“My way of looking [for a partner] wasn’t to jump on a bunch of apps. I just did fun stuff that I liked doing, and thought maybe I’d meet somebody who likes doing those things, too,” Booth said. “It’s been a total revelation for both Jack and me. It’s really amazing, and it’s extra special to have a new love of your life late in life. It’s just a really lovely time of our life.” ■
Carey Booth and Jack Coleman.
COURTESY CAREY BOOTH
LUÍS HENRIQUE BOUCAULT / WALTHER / GETTY IMAGES
THE MERCURY’S 2025 SEX SURVEY RESULTS!
BY WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY ILLUSTRATIONS BY RICKY PEE PEE
The numbers don’t lie: Portland is having A LOT of sexy, fun time!
Let’s begin with one absolutely accurate and irrefutable fact: Portland is home to the sexiest people in the woooooorld!
Why am I so confident in the above statement? Because I’ve been studying the results of the Mercury ’s 2025 SEX SURVEY! And trust me, when compared to residents of such bullshit, stickin-the-mud towns like Tempe, Arizona, Portland is waaaaay more open-minded, sex-positive, and sexually experienced. (Tempe
doesn’t even have a local sex survey… poor things.)
In fact, a whopping 1,520 Portlanders filled out our 2025 survey—that’s nearly triple the number of folks who answer those average, boring surveys you read in the Oregonian . (In the O ’s defense, they rarely include interesting questions, such as “Would you fuck your own clone?”)
But before we turn to the always interesting topic of clone-fucking, let’s grab a deep breath and dive
head-first into the warm, moist highlights from this year’s Mercury sex survey! (And if you’re one of those data-driven people who are hot to know EVERYTHING, then you can read ALL the results and percentages at portlandmercury. com.)
Horny for knowledge? Then LET’S GO! (And you might want to grab a box of tissues… trust me, you’ll need ‘em.)
Oh, hello “you.” According to our sur vey, the largest number of you identify as straight ( (18%), queers (11%), gay folks (7%), and lesbians, who may only count for 3%, but still manage to come up with a whopping 90% of extremely sexy answers—so it balances out, right? A majority of cis dudes (52%) filled out this survey, followed by cis women ( 30% ), and the increasingly popular non-binary funky bunch ( 7% ). Most of our respondents are married (37%) or in a steady relationship (29%), though a bunch of you are either single ( 23% ) or in multiple relationships ( 11% )—for which I congratulate you, but also? WHERE ON EARTH DO YOU FIND THE TIME? (I guess that’s a question for next year’s survey.)
Oh, now here’s something interesting: While a stalwart 48% of you are currently in monogamous relationships, only 45% would prefer to be that way, with 23% dreaming of being in a “monogam-ish” situation, or even polyamorous (16%). For those who are interested, I’m currently in a “Polly Anna-ish” relationship, meaning that I’m happy with whatever I get. ��
While many remain convinced that having children automatically ruins your sex life, an impressive 33% of respondents chose to have kids anyway, while 38% said “NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH” (at least for the time being), with 29% choosing to have pets instead—which, as we know, tend to be genetically superior to human children in every way.
And which of Portland’s new districts is having the most sex? I believe the graph at the top of this page best tells the tale.
As you can see from the above graph, the largest number of sex survey respondents are residents of District 3 (Southeast Portland), which ipso facto e pluribus unum means that they enjoy and have sex the most. OR DO THEY? While District 1 (East Portland) may have the lowest number of survey respondents, perhaps it’s because they’re too busy fucking each other’s brains out to engage in my silly survey? Hey, I get it… up until about 20 minutes ago I was having sex at the Del Rancho Motel on 82nd Avenue with three-quarters of East Portlanders, and phew! THEY KEEP BUSY. Anyway, let’s turn our attention to YOU, and….
YOUR IMPOSSIBLY SEXY SEX LIFE
Now before we determine your body
WHERE YOU DO IT
count (the number of people you’ve had sex with), we must establish a scientific baseline for exactly what “sex” is and . For example, my friend Cheri loves giving handjobs—yet insists that handjobs are not “sex.” �� Conversely my other friend Robby is constantly bragging about his sexual conquests, some of which solely include “erotic toe sucking.” �� In an attempt to get us all on the same page, we asked YOU what sort of acts YOU consider to be actual “sex.” The way I see it, any answer that received more than 50% of the vote will absolutely, unequivocally be known as “sex” for the rest of eternity. (Being a scientist makes me feel smart and fun!) And so… here is the Mercury’s ultimate and final list of all things that count as SEX.
THINGS THAT ARE SEX (YOU KNOW… OTHER THAN STRAIGHT-UP INTERCOURSE)
Anal = 96% (Oh yeah, that is sex!)
Oral Sex = 89% (Also absolutely sex!)
Hand Jobs = 63% (Sorry, Cheri… but that’s SEX!)
Rimming = 60% (Tastes great, less filling, and is SEX!)
Fingering = 58% (Do you laugh every time you hear the term “fingerling potatoes”? Me, too. That’s because “fingering” is SEX.)
And because there are people like my idiot friend Robby in the world, here are….
THINGS THAT ARE NOT SEX
Side-by-side masturbation—without mutual touching = 40% (“Honey… I wasn’t cheating! I was merely fingering my hole right next to another person who was also fingering their hole. That’s not sex… that’s called a “coincidence!”)
Video or phone sex = 26% (“Baby… that’s not sex! Yes, we were watching each other masturbate on our phones, but we were in entirely separate rooms at the Del Rancho Motel!”)
Frottage, AKA “dry humping” = 19% (“What? You’re saying I can’t lie down FULLY CLOTHED on top of another friend and repeatedly drive my pelvis into their buttocks until I ejaculate? Then what CAN I do?!?”)
Kissing while groping = 11% (“Again… NOT SEX. Particularly if we’re doing this in public, sitting on top of organic carrots in the produce department at Safeway.”)
Sucking fingers or toes = 9% (“Ha-
ha-haaaa! FUCK YOU , ROBBY! Sucking toes isn’t sex… but wait. Maybe it is if you’re putting toes in some other hole? Now I’m confused!!”)
Okay, so now that we have definitive definitions for what is and is not sex, let’s find out how many sex partners you’ve had, with help from the butthole-shaped graphic below:
Now as you can see, a majority of Portlanders have had full-on (which does not mean only toe sucking, Robby) sex with anywhere from one to 25 people. (Shoot. I just realized I forgot to ask if cumming on someone’s tits is “sex.” Sigh… maybe next year! Anyway, if you came on someone’s tits in 2024, go ahead and give yourself an extra five percentage points.) That means if you’ve boned up to 25 people you are “normal.” CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NORMALITY. However, the next largest group includes those who have boinked between 35 and 50 people—which I would label as “abnormal” if I wasn’t also a member of that group.
having enough sex, and I was like, “It’s all relative,” and he was like, “Oooh, I like that theory,” and I was like, “Well, you can use it if you like,” and the rest is history. But long story short, it’s all about expectations.
For example, when we asked if you were satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having, 21% bragged you were “very satisfied,” a bit more (24%) grumpily noted you were “dissatisfied,” while 14% cried with blood streaming out of your eyes that you were “VERY dissatisfied.” However, most of you ( 39% ) calmly expressed you were “somewhat satisfied”—a feeling I think everyone should be working toward. Why? Because “wanting more” got us to the moon, led to the development of vaccines (which some idiots refuse to use), and became the topic of several Britney Spears songs. Besides, how can you be “very satisfied” when you haven’t even cum on my tits?
The good news is that roughly 39% of you find it “easy-peasy lemon-squeezy”
NUMBER OF SEX PARTNERS
So let’s just call them… I don’t know… “enthusiasts.” And the next largest group are those who’ve slipped the wild baloney pony to “more than 100 people.” Okay… while I am one of the most sex-positive people you will ever meet, I also hate braggarts and I’m an incredibly jealous person, so I deem these freaks as “abnormal”! GO SEE A COUNSELOR OR SOMETHING! And then come have sex with me. (I’ll let ya cum on my tits!)
Anyway, it appears that most of you are having a reliably impressive amount of sex— OR ARE YOU? One time Albert Einstein asked me if I thought he was
or “somewhat easy-peasy” to ask your play pal for sex, and a wide majority are very open about their naughty kinks. The bad news is that 35% of your so-called “monogamous” partners are also saying yes to kinky sex… but with other people. And according to a very large 61% of those cheaters, they haven’t confessed to their crimes. (If you tend to have trust issues, I apologize for the knowledge I just dropped in your brain.)
And while it’s not necessarily cheating (unless you’re talking to the folks at your office in HR), a lot of you ( 49% ) have had sex with a co-worker, which
in most cases was a colleague ( though 11% of you have boinked the boss, and 4% of you boss bitches have boinked a subordinate.
DOING “THE DIRTY”
Speaking of kinks, here are Portland’s top 10 kinky fetishes: 10) double pene tration, 9) blindfolds, 8) voyeurism, exhibitionism, 6) group sex, 5) domina tion, 4) bondage, 3) submissiveness, spanking, and the number one top kinky fetish in Portland: NIPPLE PLAY. riously, why are you people so obsessed with my nips? First you want to cum on them, now you wanna tweak them? There are other places on my body that need attention, okay?!? Actually, that’s a good start though… so as you were.)
FUCK! MARRY! KILL!
And compared to the results in last year’s survey, roughly the same number of you fucked in boats, airplanes, and trains— less than 1% of you admitted you have fucked in a Cybertruck (AKA the only vehicle guaranteed to make your nethers drier than a cat’s tongue).
And while it may not be a kink, Portlanders also really love their masturbation
An impressive 41% of you give yourself a hand twice a week or more, while 21% shuck the corn (or oyster) at least once per week. However, don’t forget about the 21% of Portlanders who are poaching the egg every damn day! Once again, WHERE DO YOU FIND THE TIME?
Oh, and if you’re looking for a good time-management tip when it comes to sex, have you tried threesomes or orgies? You get a LOT done in a short amount of time! For example, roughly half of you ( 49%) have participated in a threesome—which may be more work, but takes less time— while fewer of you (28%) have messed around in an orgy situation. I personally like orgies because I can get six months of sex done in a single evening. What do I do with all my extra time? Listen to podcasts or endlessly scroll on TikTok, of course, DUH!
Speaking of having too much time on your hands, 36% of you find time to watch porn at least once or twice per week, 21% watch it three to four times per week, and 11% of you horndogs watch it practically every day. Conversely, a surprising 25% of you don’t seem to watch porn, like, at all! I don’t understand this. What are you watching instead? There are only so many seasons of Dance Moms
For those who do enjoy porn, most of you ( 43% ) watch a mixture of straight/ gay sex, while 15% of you are watching gay sex (probably because they’re having a lot more fun). However, an abnormally large number of you (40%) seem to only like watching porn where the men are dressed in nothing but black ankle socks, while the women are wearing impossibly high heels and pretending to be the guys’ step-sister (AKA straight sex).
Portland’s top 10 sex toys that they own and use (sometimes on a daily basis)? I thought you would never ask: 10) sex dolls, 9) penis pumps, 8) masturbation sleeves, 7) strap-ons, 6) bondage equipment, 5) cock rings, 4) anal toys, 3) dildos, 2) vibrators, and the number one top sex toy in Portland: LUBRICANT. Yeah… I know it was my idea, but I’m not sure “lubricant” should count as a sex toy. However, this does make me realize that if we were to start selling Mercury-branded lubricant,we could fund our journalism for the next thousand years! �� ��
In this year’s survey you were asked to rank three choices according to who you would like to either “fuck,” “marry,” or (if push came to shove) “kill.” Here’s what the majority of you chose:
• QUESTION 1 CHOICES: a couch, a Cybertruck, the CEO of a major insurance company.
YOUR ANSWERS: FUCK = Cybertruck, MARRY = a couch, KILL = the CEO of a major insurance company.
MY ANALYSIS: Now, while practically everyone wants more dead insurance CEOs in the world, your decision about what to do with a Cybertruck and a couch was far more nuanced. While fucking a Cybertruck is pretty gross, I could never fuck a couch because I would just be thinking, “Ewww… what if Vice President J.D. Vance got here first?” So I agree with your decision!
• QUESTION 2 CHOICES: Taylor Swift, Charli XCX, the cast of the movie Wicked.
YOUR ANSWERS: FUCK = Charli XCX, MARRY = Taylor Swift, KILL = The cast of Wicked MY ANALYSIS: Again, I agree with your determination. (You simply must kill the cast of Wicked… otherwise all those nerdy musical theater kids would sing along every time you had sex!)
• QUESTION 3 CHOICES: A meatball sub, Timothée Chalamet, Pedro Pascal.
YOUR ANSWERS: FUCK = Timothée Chalamet, MARRY = Pedro Pascal, KILL = A meatball sub.
MY ANALYSIS: Now for me? This was interesting. Of course, everyone wants to marry Pedro Pascal and wake up every morning to stare into his dreamy blue eyes. And while Timothée is just the type of twink I’d love to snap in half, that meatball sub looks goooooooood . But in this case, I’ll go along with the crowd and kill that meatball sub—and in the most delicious way possible.
FUCKING CO-WORKERS VS. FUCKING IN CARS VS. FUCKING YOUR CLONE
Despite the copious amount of fucking going on in your workplace (and perhaps on your desk while you’re away), only 19% of you find your lovers on the job. The majority of you ( 57% ) are clinging to dating apps in order to find your latest sex buddy, followed by being introduced by friends (52%), or finding them at parties ( 28% ) or “in da clurb.” (Note to old,
unhip people: That’s what young folks call “the club” these days, immortalized by an episode of Broad City , which I consider to be annoying. However, the percentage of young people who give a shit about what I think? Minus 0.00001 percent. So there you have it.)
On the topic of where you’re fucking, an overwhelming 98% of you have fucked in a car. (As for the two percent who haven’t, maybe buy a larger car or you can borrow mine. Just get it detailed afterwards.)
As for non-vehicular fucking, while large numbers of you are banging each other in city parks ( 55% ), hotel or Airbnb hot tubs (49%), random spots on college campuses (44%), and either parking garages or sex clubs… sorry, “clurbs” ), your top spot for doing the dirty last year other than your own home was inside the homes of friends and family WITHOUT THEM KNOWING ( 70% )! Next year, we’re going to dig deeper into this, because I just gotta know if you did it on your nephew’s model train set or your sister’s kitchen cutting board.
And now, at long last… the only question in the world worth asking: WOULD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN CLONE? (With their consent, of course! But wait… if they are an exact copy of you, wouldn’t consent be implied? Hmmm. I’ll let the philosophers tackle that one… but I’d say ask anyway just to be sure.) According to our survey, it’s practically a three-way tie! A sexy 33% say “yes-yes” to fucking their own clone-clone, 32% say “no-no,” and 36% say they’re very interested in fucking a clone, but not their clone—they’d rather fuck someone else’s clone while sending their own clone to work. (I like the way these people think.)
Would you like to hear me say more about clone fucking? If not, jump to the end of this paragraph—though you’ll regret it. This paragraph’s thesis is, “I would like very much to fuck my own clone.” You see, I’ve seen myself in the mirror and have decided that I’m impossibly hot. And while I often have sex with myself… let’s just say there are limitations. Certain parts of my hot body simply can’t reach the other hot parts—and trust me, I’ve tried. It’s incredibly frustrating, because why should the only unattainable sex partner be myself? I’m the one who is most likely to say, “Yes, please!” Besides, while the majority of my past and current sex partners have been fairly skilled, they still have to be told where to put what, for how long, and how hard. I know exactly what I want, and therefore, so should my clone. In fact, the only downside I see to fucking my clone is coming to an agreement on who should be “top” that day. I could see us getting very angry about this and even resorting to a naked fistfight in order to decide, which again, would still be so hot! So yeah, there are no downsides. This means currently—and until “science” decides to make me a clone— there’s nothing I can do except sit on my thumb. (Waitasecond… maybe I don’t need a clone! �� )
And now it’s time to play America’s most “American” game….
THE LUIGI CONUNDRUM
Okay, on the topic of murdering insurance CEOs for sexual pleasure (wow, that got dark quick), we asked YOU the following question: “On a scale of 1-10—
A Decade of Romance
Celebrate Valentine’s Day at The Heathman
Step into romance this Valentine's Day at Heathman Hotel, where we're celebrating the 10th anniversary of '50 Shades of Grey. Savor the ambiance with jazz music by a crackling fire in our cozy Historic Library. Don your finest masquerade attire, sip champagne, and indulge in a delectable 4-course dinner, crafted with elegance and scrumptious flavors.
with 1 not being much at all, and 10 being VERY—how sexy is the suspected UnitedHealthcare CEO shooter, Luigi Mangione?” (Picture below)
And before I reveal your decision, I need to recap last year’s result in which I asked you to judge a practically naked pic of super-hottie Jeremy Allen White (from TV’s The Bear), in which his average score was a WILDLY UNDERWHELMING 5.2. I’ll admit it: I’m still super pissed. But instead of chastising those WILLFULLY IGNORANT FEW who either need to get their eyeballs checked or reexamine their grasp on reality, I’m choosing to move on with my life and focus on the fuckability of a suspected murderer.
The good news? Luigi got a much better score, receiving AN AVERAGE OF 7.3 on the hot-as-hell fuckable scale!
And while Luigi is no Jeremy Allen White—how could he be?—it’s very apparent that cis het dudes are much more willing to embrace their fluid sexuality when it comes to taking extreme measures to destroy America’s deeply corrupt health insurance system, and… oh, hold on. Our company’s lawyer just informed me that I need to make the following disclaimer: Killing people is very WRONG , and one should NEVER do it under any circumstances, even if it makes you 2.1 percentage points hotter than the hottest man alive, Jeremy Allen White.” DISCLAIMER NOTED!
And finally…
LIVING THE (SEXUAL) DREAM
Apparently you are much like me, in that you are constantly either thinking about the sex you’ve had or the sex you want in the future! Here are the write-in responses you provided for both topics.
“What is one sex act you want to accomplish before you die?”
Mega-orgy • Enthusiastic domination by long-term partner • Partner swap with another couple • Mile High Club baybeeeeeee • Fist a guy in a public setting • A threesome with my wife and another bisexual man • Share porn with my partner as a cute couples activity • All femme orgy • 69 with Henry Cavill • Sex on the bow of a yacht • I want a policeman to pull me over and I offer him my body to get out of a ticket OR I want to fuck my college
professors for grades and graduate without, like, doing any studying • Sex with my clone before I send them to work in place of me • Group sex with every WNBA team • Pee on me!! • Star in my own porno and submit to the HUMP! Fest • Sex with a pregnant woman • Two chicks at once and not be anxious this time so I can get it up • Gentle handjob • 69 when I’m 69 • All holes occupied • There’s a certain friend who is straight-ish but… you know… how straight? • Have sex on Donald Trump’s grave • Get railed against a large glass window with my tits pressed against the glass in a highrise • I’ve done just about everything I’ve ever desired; got any suggestions? [Why yes… actually! What follows are some great suggestions!]
What’s the sexiest thing you did in 2024?
Demo-bottomed for a rope bondage class • Vers-Vers-Vers train fuck • Long anal session with my gf while she fucked her pussy with a dildo • Got pegged • Threesome weekend • Got a blowjob from one of my partners after a hockey game in a very sparsely populated parking garage by the Lloyd Center • Had a lot of period sex and kinda loved it • Anally fingered on my birthday • Got top surgery *wolf whistle* • Came in someone’s mouth at a sex club and watched them spit it in their hand to jack off • Nailed my wife 388 times this calendar year • Hookup with my partner’s hot fiancé • Gave someone a blow job while others watched • Found a partner that can make me squirt nearly nonstop, and will spend hours on my pleasure
• Got sucked off and ate my partner out in a cemetery • Fucked eight guys in 10 days • Gooning with a female buddy I’ve known since high school • I seduced a man who was shopping with his wife and kids and got him to sneak off and do me in his SUV in the parking lot… he was huge and I let him finish in me • Played with my gym crush in the sauna • HUMP! Fest group date turned into a wild swinger party at the Nines • He sucked my toes while fingering my ass as I sucked him off • Found my own body sexually appealing • Had sex with two different men named Sam on the same day • Masturbated while my neighbor watched • Said “I love you” for the first time to my boyfriend in a gloryhole booth • Masturbated to Alexander Skarsgård • Had sex with UPS driver in his delivery truck • Had sex on the OMSI dock • Fisted my partner on a paddle board in the middle of a lake
WOW-WOW-WOW, you all had a very busy year! And we can’t wait to hear all the sexy shenanigans you get up to in 2025! And if you need any more inspiration, don’t miss the 2025 edition of the HUMP! Film Festival—the sweetest li’l amateur porn festival in the world—showing in Portland from February 15 through March 1! (Get those tix now at humpfilmfest. com.) And until next year’s Mercury sex survey, never forget that there’s nothing sexier than loving yourself. (And yes, that includes Jeremy Allen White.) ■
Luigi Mangione
A Cozy Season (S)lowdown
Self-care tips for wintering (beyond switching on your SAD lamp).
BY JANEY WONG
It’s winter in the Pacific Northwest, which, let’s face it, is a rough time for many of us. The glitz of the holidays has faded into the annals of yesteryear.
This time of year, many of us wallow in the depths of seasonal affective disorder and since January 20, we’ve had the added delight of Cheeto-in-Chief 2.0. In the interest of maintaining mental health (yours and mine), I’ve outlined some self-care hot tips for a cold winter. As simplistic as these suggestions may seem, I find that when it comes to being kind to ourselves, it’s often easier to accept advice given by others, even if they’re things we already know to be true.
Pause and take five deep, measured breaths— in through your nose and out through your mouth. Repeat when you feel stress coming on.
Move your body. I’m wildly inconsistent with my working-out cadence, but it’s indisputable that getting some exercise releases those precious endorphins. Going to the gym in winter seems thoroughly unappealing, so get in some exercise in the comfort of your living room: pull up a YouTube workout of your choice; yoga , dance-based workouts HIIT, whatever! If you’re not up to working up a sweat, go for something more low-lift. Take a walk around the block, or simply stretch for 10 minutes.
Grab yourself a little treat. Lauretta Jean’s is a destination for its pies, but I’ve worked my way through their menu over the years. I love getting one of their cream puffs, since it’s a pastry that’s harder to find in Portland. Get the pistachio one if they have it. The cream puffs are decadent and big enough to share with someone, if you want . I also love the silky frozen custard at Cornet Custard —the shop sources its fancy cones from Rome, and you can grab pints to go.
Call a family member or friend. Human beings need connection, and catching up with someone beyond staring at words on a screen can result in deeper conversa -
tions. Plus, you’ll hear a friendly voice and it’ll make someone else’s day to know that you’re thinking of them.
Watch TV. Winter is the perfect time to catch up on all those shows you missed while you were out and about doing things in the summer sunshine or crisp fall weather. A few shows I watched and loved last year: Shōgun, The Gentlemen, and Nobody Wants This. Also, I love a miniseries, since they feel contained and can be watched in one or two sessions. Though none of the aforementioned shows fall into that category, each has a single season so far, so they’re just as easy to digest.
Eat something nourishing. As far as I’m concerned, if it’s cold, it’s soup season. Two of the most comforting things I like to make in a stockpot are chicken noodle soup and chili. I don’t have recipes for you since I make these by eye and instinct, but good recipes for both are super easy to find online. Making soup is also a great way to do a fridge cleanout for any proteins and veggies you need to use up. If you’d rather skip cooking and get straight to eating, head to Guero’s new-ish soup cart Lucky Soup for restorative broths and good soup
Invest in rest. Winter is a time to slow down , with nature’s rhythms shifting into shorter days—after the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, it’s pertinent to remind ourselves of this. Take naps, meditate, sink into a hot bath, and/or drop something non-essential from your schedule! Take a leaf out of the Danish people’s (champion winterers!) book and cultivate hygge , a feeling of coziness.
Plan something fun. Maybe it’s a trip, small or large, that you’ve been wanting to take. Maybe you can throw a big bash for your partner or bestie who has a big milestone this year. Hell, start planning your Halloween costume—it can be virtually anything that gives you something to look forward to.
Happy wintering! We can do this! ■
BETH JENSEN
Mercury Reader Valentines
♥ SALLY Thanks for making this life golden, I’d be lost without you. 4EVA yours, JC
♥ JOLYN your soft and tough face is a sanctuary. You’re exactly who you look like: smart, kind, undefeatable, and I’m pretty fortunate to have that.
♥ RISKY BROWN, I love you more than hot dogs (and even real dogs). Xoxoxo
♥ PATRICK You have changed my life and perspective more than I could ever express. It’s a whole new world, and I’m obsessed. I’m hopelessly devoted to you
♥ MY KIDSNSISTERNNIECE You ladies are great! This is a great life, and I’m so happy to share all the good things with you.
to more adventures. To more uncanny shared jokes and dancing in the kitchen. Harp
♥ KATIE I am so glad I met you. You are fun, funny, real and I feel like I can talk to you about anything. Thank you for being my friend. Love you!
♥ PEANUT Your snores are loud Your bubble butt is my fav I like you and when you slap my ass too.
♥ MATEO This connection we have found has given me new hope that a love like I’ve dreamed of can truly exist. Even if this is all it ever is, I’m so grateful.
♥ DANIEL I’ve loved you since the universe burst into existence. And will continue to after it blips out. Thanks for going to therapy with me. -TF
♥ COLE You beautiful creative hilarious & generous soul-Im proud of the big & small things you’ve done to make this YOUR YEAR. You are my family. <3
♥ SARA, MY DARLING You stunning, hilarious, deeply empathetic woman. I love you. Here’s
♥ ANN You’ve stuck with me through some of the lowest points of my life— and created some of my highs. I love you more than words can express. Your WGWW.
♥ LOUIS I love you very much, little guy!
♥ TYSON From the first day I saw you riding your bike around Vear Katz E. Esplanade. I’ve always wanted to kiss your beautiful lips and say I love you deeply
♥ PURPLE!! Big Up! Your fam loves you. DJ CHOP LIQUOR
♥ NATASHA “Here in your arms, my darling, police don’t exist.”
♥ VEGGIE HOTNESS We celebrate 30 years of adventure, wanderlust and love. With sprinkles of hard times that only added spice to our dish of love. U R my everything.
♥ CLARE We emerge stronger Goodbye to twenty-four’s crap Love wins, Valentine
♥ TIREDPOPPA I’m so damn proud of you! You are a great Papa, Partner and Artist! Love Ya, Babe. -Titsakimbo
♥ MARYANN You’re everything. Parenting is hard but together we’ve got this. You make me a far better human. Totally devoted, always. Philip
♥ SPENNY Every day I think to myself how lucky I am to have found you. You make my life so much more fun (and tasty!) I love you so much <3
♥ DONALD Thank you for the last 39 years together You Rock my world every single day and I love you dearly Happy Anniversary
♥ THEO Here’s to our 8th Valentine’s Day together. My heart is still just as on fire for you as it was back then, if not more.
♥ SNAPPER You in your shaggy sweater flipping a juicy record is dreamcolor to me. Lean close, let me softly crackle my cinnamon foam in your ear forever.
♥ GEORGE Happy 1 year of being engaged! I love you and the life we are building so much. Let’s do this for the rest of our lives? xoxo Jenny (& Sigji & Simdi)
♥ JEANNIE I love you to the moon and back. I can’t wait to see what the next five years brings. Let’s practice for our HUMP submission.
♥ SUZIE You need to take it down a notch. loveeee - kurt
♥ JULIAN I normally despise your grubby, greasy hands after you come home from a day of work. But tonight, I’m excited to have them all over me.
♥ SR I want to keep growing old with you, even if it means learning a new love language. I’ll send a sexy flare! XOXO
♥ MR. KITI, Wow! When the good Doctor starts jackhammering, that’s how you can tell. How much he loves you, that is! Mrrrrr!
♥ TAELYN 25 years ago tonight, you found me in the Reed SU with a rose and a note. So happy we’re still together. Loving you, my darling!
♥ GOOD MEASURE I love you so so much and I’m so proud of you. This is gonna be your year!!! Love, Your lil red hawt dog
♥ SALENA (DOLL) Through 15 years of love, strength, and challenges, your courage in facing breast cancer fills me w/ strength. I love you more than words can express.
♥ COSMIC SIBLING Tangled in your curls, lost in your magic — forever yours, in this lifetime and every one after. I can’t wait to celebrate our love for eternity.
♥ MAMA REL, Happy VDay! You’re truly the pillar of our family & I feel safe knowing you’re on my team. Thanks for taking care of us; I’m glad you’re MY mom <3
♥ LAURA I love you more than Jimmy loves eating our blinds. Love always,
♥ ALEX Happy Valentine’s Day, darling. I can’t wait to marry you this year. much love, your sugar bear
♥ JESSE D Make a move already! Or should I? The sexual tension between us is too much to bare. I need your
lips on my lips, I need your tongue, anywhere. SOS.
♥ GAROD Thank you for slowing me down when I forget to breathe. Everyday you open my eyes to the wonders of the world, and I like walking through it together.
♥ PABLO You are my one. The love of my life. My silly,silly man.
I’M THE LUCKY ONE
♥ ALEX You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I love you more than you’ll ever know. Every adventure we go on reminds me why I love you. -Jake
♥ SARAH And even though we ain’t got money, (you-you, ooh-ooh-ooh) you make my dreams come true. Mixing my metaphors, maybe? Love you either way.
dreaming of flights, So here’s to us, to everything we’ve found.
♥ JOSETTE! How can I love you more with every passing moment? Simple: you make it easy. Isle of View! SMACK! DOODLE!
♥ HANNAH Happy Valentine’s Day and almost-versary. I love you darling and everything you do for me and us!
♥ DENNY I’ve loved raising the Nut Man with you & cannot wait to be bound to you legally forever! 3 PEANUTS 4 EVER!! (:
♥ SARE lingering in memory’s quiet places, where once you stood.
♥ BEAR CAMERA I’m falling in like with you! And I love it!
♥ FORMER CULT MEMBERS Know that you are loved and have a multitude of communities to help you heal, discover, and find meaning and joy in your life after a coercive group.
♥ SABRINA SQUAREPANTS
Watching you become the parent you needed for Lil Man and growing as a woman is the best part of my year. Here’s to a lifetime of happiness as a triad
♥ TIM You have been an unexpected delight. I feel lucky to have found you! The
♥ BAY! I love you and your honey, and am so happy that I mustered up the gumption to ask you out. Let’s enjoy pollo a la mostaza con miel siempre! --BB
♥ BRANDON From thrift store treasures to scary movie nights, Eating Asian food and
matching early morning vices and evenings snuggled on the couch are blissful.
♥ ROWDY You are the best thing to ever happen to me! Stick with me, kiddo. We will go places.
♥ PAUL Happy 39th Anniversary and Valentine’s Day my love! I have loved you since the day we met and always will! Thanks for our 2 sons!
♥ MICHELLE I miss you. It hurts. I’m sorry. Come home. - P.
♥ FRANKO HAPPY VALENTINES DAY, DAD!!! Love Ya’ Lots & Lots, Suzie <3
♥ PATRICK You have changed my life and perspective more than I could ever express. It’s a whole new world, and I’m obsessed. I’m hopelessly devoted to you
♥ HILLYBIRD I’m your moon and stars through any kind of weather You’re the sun, I feel you forever In this life and the next… xoxo
♥ DJ DYSTPN My darling, you’re the track I want in every moment and the remix I can’t live without. Happy Valentine’s Day, fucker—I love you so dearly.
♥ OPAL & GEMMA I love you forever, I like you for always. As long as I’m living, my babies you’ll be. For my two favorite people! Happy Valentine’s Day, Love Mommy
♥ CAITLIN You made 2024 for me, and I can’t wait to make 2025 for you. I adore you.
♥ SHELBY Thank you for making my heart (along with other organs) swell for over 3 years :) I love you my angel pie cutie cake pudding
♥ NIALL Will you be my redwood valentine? Love Moon
♥ SNOOPY I love you more every day. Thanks for 8 years, here’s to many more. Love, Woodstock
♥ HOT SAUCE Freya and Baron, C + K, Thunder and Hot Sauce. LOVE
♥ TAYLER To a big 2025 that will see you fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming a lawyerLIFE.LONG.DREAM! So proud of you :) Love you - R
♥ ZACH I love you!! Like, a ton. 2892/2892! All the time and with my whole entire heart. You are my love.
♥ ANTONIA I want to smack your drums, pop your tire, and eat your amazing cooking!
♥ SWEET FAMILY, I’m terribly sorry for all the growling and stealing, and I regret all of my strange paranoia and fear. I love you very much and will be a Good Gahl!
♥ MOOGZ I somehow love you more each year. Here’s to a year of adventures and the unexplored outdoors, to afternoon breaks and BSO. I love you.
♥ LOREAN Suppeth. It’s been 18 years since our last V-Day together, and I love you more than ever. Promise to dance naked in your kitchen forever.
-URChocoTaco
♥ BUDDY Nice knowing you’re out there.
♥ AMY L’unica cosa migliore delle giostre “Como” con te intorno a Portland Heights e il tempo che abbiamo trascorso insieme dopo. Ricordi per tutta lavita.
♥ STEVE Here’s to 20 years of marriage! Thanks for helping me to keep the kids alive. I’d still bend you over a loveseat. Love you. From your feral femme.
humanitarianism, selflessness, and spiritual growth. Love you to pieces.
♥ K (WITH A K-HEY!) You light up my world like a pinball machine; flashing, spinning, and always hitting my heart’s jackpot. Love, Splitflipamundo
♥ SWEETIE I love thee.
Elvis. Can’t wait to be back in PDX! Love, R
♥ JFISH Love you more than all the stars in the sky. Thank u for always being there for me.
♥ COCO My sweet friend, Happy Valentine’s Day! I am so grateful for your friendship & love. Here’s to another year of being each others sweethearts! <3 jamie
♥ KIP Catio king of my dreams. Thank you for all the sweet adventures, shared growth, and your cute butte. Love you to the mountains and back - S
♥ MY SWEET B.A.N. Happy 2nd Valentine’s Day, peanut! Thank you for loving me // thank you for being there! xoxo… Ruthy, Soup & Shrimpina
♥ TEAPOT My fav part? When you took my hand & walked us between the houses on NE 1st. Ur my Rose. We r family. That’s showbiz, baby! *Jazz Hands* <3 BOOMERANG
♥ THOMAS Picture this: A doodle of someone in a heart yelling that you’re very funny, smart, and hot. My v-day wish is an epic Scrabble victory. XOXO!
♥ MERLIN I’m so damn happy we found each other. One year of adventures and many more to come. I love you so much. Yours, Birdie
♥ LARRY You move through this world so beautifully! I am forever lighter and happier and clearer and kinder to myself because you show me how. I love you.
♥ FB Stitching is red Umpires are blue Pitchers and catchers Reporting for you Wanna hit a home run with me? BBK4ever <3
♥ ROGER I loaf you, Jackie
♥ ZACK My dirty Daddy, loving Papa, and caring partner… Let’s live deliciously together forever as husband and wife. I love you so much you weirdo.
♥ MY BIALY BABES Love you more than Ryan loves Marissa and Seth loves Death Cab!
♥ MIR This isn’t a red heart, it’s another little way for me to say I love you. You’re cute and stuff. Thanks for being mine, I’m so lucky to be yours <3 CL
♥ REBECCA Being with you has opened me up in ways I wasn’t expecting, but am loving. You’re my favorite.
♥ GUS Babe, you clear a room with your farts the way you cleared my heart to be filled with love for you. Here’s to endless cuddles and pizza, my love!!
♥ SKYLA Love you to the moon and back! Thank you for always sticking by me.
-Anthony
♥ CHRISTOPHER I love you so much. Everyday I get to spend with you is another day I cherish. Happy valentine’s day to my everything bagel <3
♥ LITTLE LUCY We adore you, not Lulu! Thank you for being BEST BABY. If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Besitos from Mama and Papa
♥ JAMES You’re a sweetheart and a half. I love you.
♥ KISSY GOO U R my kissy goo. Thank you for ur kindness. U make everything fun. Even when I have to sleep on the floor in the other room.
♥ CODY You are the light of my world! So freakin glad you’re alive!
♥ CHLOE You are the kindest, most compassionate, thoughtful daughter. I hope you know how much you are loved every single day! You make me a better person.
♥ WORLD I never knew what you all wanted. So I gave you everything.
♥ BEYONCE I love doing life with you! Let’s make it all happen in 2025. Your bear loves you endlessly.
♥ LITTLE LUCY We adore you, not Lulu! Thank you for being BEST BABY. If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die. Besitos from Mama and Papa
♥ GUS Hey good lookin, whatcha got cookin?! I wanna smooch those cherub cheeks everyday for the rest of my life. xoxo, your wife Loggy
♥ JOJO thanks to you i feel less lost in the supermarket… come on and let me know, ¿me debo ir o quedarme? te amo, az
♥ BELLA I love you today and forever. Len
♥ AUDEN At least my 9th missive here to you, so heryes to good fortune, longevity,
♥ MY KING OF CUPS I am so glad I summoned you again... I love riding this river of lava into the ocean with you. Beyond, beyond. Your Radiant Baby
♥ TWO LETTERS How about some Dresden Files roleplay? You be Bob and I’ll be anything that moves. Don’t forget the dice, hot stuff.
♥ L, I still think of you. You are one of the best things to have happened to me. I hope you’ll always be happy. — A
♥ COMMON FIRE I see you and all the work you do for our Community. And I love your scmochin’ hot asses. Mutual Aid is the Future and is hot AF.
♥ ISAAC I love you, my sexy husband!! You’re the light of my life <3 Can’t imagine where I’d be without you. Cheers to many more years of a happy marriage!
♥ MATTHEW-WYATT Because of you I know how Morticia feels being married to Gomez. Happy Valentine’s Day, my darling.
♥ ALEXIS Your voice, a melody so sweet, a Filipina charm, impossible to beat. Your smile, a beacon, pure and bright. In your eyes, I see the universe’s light.
♥ HAM LADY My sweet darling baby I adore you and wish you all the best my love you are my tiny and I can’t wait for our next chapter
♥ SECAL Has it really been 24
♥ LEAH You set right a tipped pitcher and filled it with weightless water and having sated me you drank.
♥ RYAN LEE Dear Ryan, Thank you for loving me so well and melting my heart in that hot tub. You are my favorite and I am so lucky to spend my days next to you.
♥ CLAIRE I love you more than the cats love walking on us while we try to sleep. Laura
♥ YEN Perhaps we should turn two fav pastimes into careers. Bed and breakfast?
♥ JENNA Happy V-Day! We both have lovely legal spouses but you’re my one and only wife, thanks to 24hr Church of
years since we 1st met on the 9th floor? WOW I’m so grateful to have you in my life! Thank u for being you, I love you! ~ ‘Riz
♥ LINDSAY You are seriously the most bad-ass sexy beast on the planet.
♥ HERMAN ``I’ll bring the yams, you bring the stuffing ``The rents turn in early ``La Quinta has some good holiday deals - Lily
♥ LUCKY flaming Fart and I Smell Lucky sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First came love, then came marriage, then puppies, kitties, anything cuddly! Nub Noo
♥ BLISS You are the Queen of my little violet heart!
♥ DEMI You showed me life was worth it. You are so passionate, caring, fiery, and stubborn as hell. I wouldn’t change a single thing! I love you <3
♥ BRIAN Owl always love you, cutie pie!
♥ KATIE J Happy V - Day. Thanks for another yeardespite my poor choices I have seen you continue to grow and try to really bring joy. Thanks 4 being Mom.
♥ JOANNIE AND KEVIN We Love yous Yous’re so sweet Yous’re the best Love, Jess and Pete
♥ FRUIT TREES OF PDX You bloom, you nourish, you delight. Thank you for your sweetness and shade—our city’s living valentines.
♥ ANTHONY We may disagree alot, but once thing i know we can agree on is how strong our love is! Happy Valentines day my love, thank you for loving me!
♥ NATASHA You are good spy and great lover. Your Boris loves you.
♥ HEATHER Thanks for everything! We’ll see each other again soon.
♥ AUSTIN 3some Dumpsters, mini anything, moving day, hotdog carts, dashboard fairies,Wendy Shawn&Nelly,SLOWLY, backing up trailers, garage sales, lots o’ fun,
♥ CHACHI RODRIGUEZ You can still love somebody without being together-Peace out Girl Scout-Love you forever
♥ SPENCER I guess what I’m saying is that I admire your commitment to community service - April
♥ LORENA You’re the home run of my heart, no extra innings needed. Being with you feels like winning the World Series— every single day.
♥ PROF love to kidnap you. I just need an address. Me-Hot chick in ugly van, tell me your fav candy? Always n Forever, Caller Ten Different KittenJ.L.K.
♥ ADAM I wished for a relationship built on mutual adoration & a passion for fun & exciting new things. For 15 years we’ve had all that & more. I love you.
♥ ANDREW Adonica loves you with her entire heart, my sunshine and my light <3 thank you for being mine.
♥ BAM BAM Please be my Valentine Your friend, Cotton Corn.
♥ FROGLETTÉ You spin my head right ‘round like some sort of spinny thing. You brighten everything you touch, but
especially my heart. I love you, my sweet. <3
♥ MADELINE (MADDAWG) You’re the sweetest kindest person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting I love you so much and would love for you to be my forever valentine.
♥ CC you are the pb to my jelly, thanks for being on this journey with me. I’d even fight a giant spider for you, my precious boo. JP
♥ MATT You rock! I’m so lucky to have you as my rock, you absolute sweetie and hunk. You make me better, you make the world better. MFEO <3
♥ COURTNEY No matter where we are, you are both my first and last thought of the day. You are the reason I want to be better. I adore you.
♥ CPM You make my heart flutter and my puppies ache for you. I am so lucky you picked me. Three squeezes on those blocks and everywhere else, you dreamboat.
♥ DAVID I love you so much -
Thorns gaming, concert going Valentine.
you do the shopping, a lot of cooking, your look after the cat, and you look after ME! You are the best hugger and snuggler. XXO
♥ MARY W my dove, I am forever thrilled to celebrate you. every corner of my heart loves you!
♥ BRYCE my only preference is you.
♥ ADRIAN ♥ Meeting you was a dream. You’re the one I’ve been waiting my whole life for. I’ll never forget our first kiss. We’ll always have London. Victoria
♥ HEDY Thank you for taking such good care of me and sharing our fun adventures over the years. I love you.
Happy Valentine’s Day! XOXO
♥ THE BEAUTIFUL SUZYYY You (and Mama) are the loves of my life! Here’s to 2025, baby.
♥ BUTTHEAD Happy Anniversary! It has been some crazy 4 years and I have loved all the ups and downs with you. Here is to many more UPs ;)
♥ TRAVIS It’s so fun to love you - on Valentine’s Day and every other day of the year too. We’re the perfect match, never believe anything else <3
♥ SWARM OF INSECTS Let’s moon the monolith. It would be quite the sight! Yours always, Ragnora.
♥ RED TREE I love you with all my heart! You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I look forward to raising gummy bear with you, and then making her weird!
♥ BOWLER DELUXE I love you, my fried chicken-pizza eating loving man! My heart is happiest with you. You are always cool beans on toast.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
♥ KIMKO Is it just me, or does it just keep getting better?
each other, it’s unreal. I know we will forever
♥ BOOT Gosh, you ´re my whole world girly. I wasn´t practicing the first time we said I love you. Thanks for keeping me and our little family safe. Love you
♥ FRANCES Hi ! I snug you. I love you. I respect you. I snug you babe. xo, Dykeritz
♥ PATRICK 10 years of being in love with my best friend. 32 years of friendship. Almost 8 years of marriage. Love you til I’m dust and beyond
♥ FOATY I thought this was nicer than screaming it out of a car window on every bridge in this town. This is louder and more permanent! Love, BigCheeze-It
♥ ADDIE I need you more than anything in my life I want you more than anything in my life I love you more than anyone in my life
♥ LOGAN Even though it takes you longer than 7 minutes to hang a TV on the wall, I still love you more than Tom loves Tom. This one’s for you tonight!
♥ DINOSAUR LADY Splish Splash, Valentine... for the 19th time! Please keep making waves (in my pants). Filthy. But genuinely arousing.
♥ DREW I love being your Oregon coast jaunting, tiki bar checklisting, Sunday night programming, wine tasting,
♥ CIRILLION Loving you has been one of best things I’ve done for myself. These past two years have been magic, and I’m so excited to continue growing with you.
♥ NOVA Such a beautiful entertainment, Meow Meow
♥ CORNFED I love you, turdface. You and Wups are my favorite gals.
♥ CATNIP 11 months of cup-filling, hedonism, adventure, laughs, tears and so much pleasure have been more than I could have hoped for in this season. Love you!
♥ ANTHONY Two ‘I dos,’ one baby, and countless laughs later, asking you out at work over Slack remains my most productive career move ever.
♥ CUTE BOOTS Oy vey! How I love they! From Costa Rica to Poland to NYC, what a rockin 2024. And made a baby, oh my! Can’t wait to see where Gummy takes us! LUV U!
♥ SWEET POTATO Thank you for being my cute, kind, creative, selfless, sensitive little munch…..you’re the best… lol love u
♥ MAGGIE Time & miles, wings & sea A falling Freo will find his feet. Love’s plot turns & twists & boasts & still I love you the most. -- Light up, Dearest!
♥ CORINNE Valentine’s Day is here again, my beautiful Pierogi Princess. Let our day be filled with much love, hugs and deep wet kisses.
♥ SHANASTY the moon, the sun the stars, and you. what started in jan ‘96 continues. i love you- c
♥ JEFE I look forward to loving you until you die first! Love, B
♥ COFFEE Know that I love you into the mystic and back; to the end of this life and the next.
XOXO - Your Nachó, sittin’ on a rainbow
♥ ACTIONFOODIE Short, sweet, simple, I love you. Long, realistic, complex- thanks for picking up after the dog, wiping baby butts and a mountain of laundry daily.
♥ ZEKE If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber. I love you! -Cassandra
♥ BELOVED MOON GODDESS You’re all that brightens the woebegone horizons of my benighted existence. We’ll somehow figure it out, and find a way to a better place. Together.
♥ EYE CANDY ANDY I wanna lick your lollipop. Kisses
♥ NEIL Making you laugh has slowly become my favorite thing in the world. Here’s to our first Valentine’s Day together. I love you, sweet boy <3 -Jev
♥ MAHOGANEY I love you! Moving to Portland with you has been the best experience of my life and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together! <3
♥ PIGGY, Woman loves you with all of her heart.
♥ BECKI JANE Thank you for being the best of the best. I just love you! Cheers to you, bestie! P.S.-Play the lotto this week.
♥ TOMÁS Please be my bestie for the teatime. <3
♥ BENJ You are the apple of my eye, you make my heart sing, the world hued in rose colors, and everything more groovey. Thank you for your love babe.
♥ K.L. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more, you show me everyday why I’m wrong. We love every bit of
♥ SAMANTHA I can’t believe in this last year I’ve become the type of person who looks through someone’s ig following for future gift ideas. Your effect! <3
♥ EB Thank you for loving me, and being the only one who tries to understand my brain. Let’s do another decade.
♥ MATT Ilysm. Thank you for believing in me and supporting me even when I was a freeloader. Us baby us.
♥ BECKY When we met your podcast was questioning why people even get married, but this summer in the mountains
you were asking if I’d marry you, 100x YES!
♥ LAUREN We’ve looked so good ON paper for so long ~ that’s it’s finally time to get us IN the paper. Still adoring you as the seasons go by! ~ C.
♥ ADAM You turned my world upside down and showed me how incredible life can be.
Love u more with each passing day. Let’s embracing more challenges together!
♥ LEON You are the love of my life, my best friend and soulmate, and I’m the luckiest woman to have you as my valentine. I love you.
strange & have each experienced pain. But NOW we’re alive & we’re in love!
♥ RYAN What an adventure we’ve been on these past nine years. I love you so much, darling, let’s get married! XOXO Becky
♥ STEPHEN To my sweet husband. You make me laugh and give good snuggles. You are adventurous and silly. I couldn’t imagine Oregon adventures without you.
♥ DDDJJJ666 I open my eyes after a night of tossing and turning, and you are there with coffee and candy. Cheers to lucky 13! The best years lay ahead of us!
♥ MOLLY You are the stars in my sky, the lid to my pot, and why I get my ass out of bed. You make the mundane fun and the fun extraordinary! Love you! -Moose
♥ NEIGHBOR BOY Roses are red, violets are blue, I love eating chicken nuggets & snuggling with you.
♥ CHRIS I’m so lucky I get to share my life with you. Being loved openly as a transwoman is a gift I never thought I would be able to receive. Thank you <3
♥ MI EMPANADA, Roses are red, violets are blue, I like your butt and the rest of you too. Be my valentine? <3
♥ Q From Nic Cage flicks, many movie nights, concerts, excuses to dress up, and so much more. I can’t believe we fit together so well. Here’s to 2025 -A
♥ ADAM My peach,8+ sweet years,We’ve laughed,adventured,shared joy&cheers.W/ Jarvis&Margo,our dreams intertwine,In Portland’s embrace,your heart 4ever mine.
♥ MORGIE Happy Valentine’s Day babe! Thank you for making my wildest dreams come true every day since the second I met you. Cheers to another beautiful year <3
♥ BABYGIRL JEN Sweet babygirl, I love satisfying your sub cravings and bringing you back down to earth with exquisite aftercare. Our time is precious and so are you.
♥ JB ♥ Seven Valentine’s Day and counting! I couldn’t be more in love with you bb. Thanks for being so COOL and FUNNY and SMART. Can’t wait to smooch ya.
♥ JOEL From kind neighbor to kinky lover. I never thought I’d find love @ GUMO. You have shown me what it means to be accepted & cared for. I <3 U! -BunBun
♥ COASTFACE to a real one who is loved, respected and feared for her strength and cleverest wit
♥ STEVEN O. Roses are red, but that’s so cliché, Let’s grab some tacos and call it a day.
♥ GORGOLOID Dash leads the way, we toke and groove at the Ally Pally, buttered fingers from lobster fest, and laugh ‘til we cry—my heart’s forever high.
♥ SCHMOOPY-WOOPY You are the best thing in this crazy, lunatic world, and your love keeps me going every single day.—Your Huggy-Wuggy
♥ RYAN The Vegas lights may have faded, but our love continues to shine! Happy Valentine’s Day to my sweet new husband. Here’s to many more! XOXOXO
♥ NOODLE’S DAD Your girls think you and your mustache are simply the best! Thank you for all you do for us, our life is dull without you! XOXO
♥ SARAH You’re the best! You’re a badass, a great partner, an excellent mom, and we’re raising an amazing kid. I love you. Every day is with you is a gift!
♥ ESTELLA MARIE Let your mother know I love her more than you love rehydrated turkey hearts.
best friend. And thank you for having a cute butt.
♥ BUSPANTS You have made the celestial starfish choir sing for years, and my smile grow with my heart. Thank you an dI love you.
♥ EMMA We all miss you so much and so wish you were still here. Always my valentine! Wheek! Wheek! Wheek!
♥ NAT Roses are red, Violets are blue, You’re cute in your crop tops in Oakland, And beautiful cringing in Portland too. Be my valentine? -Aubrey
♥ JOSH I miss you and my tiny cracked heart hurts. I miss playing and snuggling. You deserve the best. Xoxo. Always yours, Good Girl.
♥ LORENA You’re the home run of my heart, no extra innings needed. Being with you feels like winning the World Series— every single day.
♥ RED TREE You are the best thing to happen to me. I love you so much!! I am very excited to welcome gummy bear to our family.
♥ LIL’ FERN You’re already loved so much & have an amazing big bro, mom, & dad to support you. So many look forward to meeting you! Happy 1st V-Day sweet one.
♥ ROBERT My darling Englishman. You show me love every day in so many ways. You know me like no one in this world. You are a beautiful soul. Love you My Heart
♥ WILL THEE STALLION I’m not horsing around, let’s saddle up and trot it like it’s hot! I’ve got a carrot for you ;) I love you! xoxoxo
♥ LIZ I get visicies just thinking about you reading this and smiling because you’re every fucking thing, boo. And I wanna tell you everyday. Dan
♥ CHRYSANTHEMUM What happens if we eat the last licorice, if we chapstick before kissing in the cemetery, if we’ve got to dance? Here for it. xo Timothee Chalamet
♥ LORD_HAMERCY Valentine’s Day is strange & often painful. So is life. We are definitely
♥ CAE CAE You make my heart melt everyday.
♥ AL You’re like my favorite card in a deck: the king of *my* heart.
♥ JESSE You are the hottest, kindest, silliest cat dad I know. If I could do it again, I’d never leave your dorm room. You are my soulmate & best friend.
♥ CALLIE Happy Valentine’s Day to the woman who crash landed into my life. Thank you for showing up and working forward with me. I am lucky in life to love you
♥ ZEKE There is no one I would rather catapult through life with while discussing bird dicks. Thanks for being my person.
♥ MARIA Roses are red some chickens too I’ve searched high and low where the hell are you?
♥ A Raven Rose Katamari -A
♥ DANIEL Happy Valentines you handsome devil! Proud of the work you do and the love you give! XoXo - S
♥ ALEX I love you like crazy and can’t believe my luck in getting to be your Valentine 4 ever.
♥ CUTES:SARAH:IMA Remember YEARS ago when I declared my love to you this way? I wanted to do it again! VDay is meh but I sure do love you and wanted all of PDX to know!
♥ CALLIE Happy Valentine’s Day to the woman who crash landed into my life. Thank you for showing up and working forward with me. I am lucky in life to love you
♥ JAWKNEE All these years later, it’s still a win win situation ;) I love you more and more every day.
♥ DONKEY Thank you for taking care. I woke up sick. You wrapped me in a heated blanket & after my test was negative i saw your note on the fridge <3 Kissy Goo
♥ KOSHI I am so happy to have spent the last few years together. You have brightened my world in so many ways. Happy anniversary! Also, Will you marry me?
♥ QUIET LOBOT There are no other Lobots in the world half as adorable as you are. Im really am so lucky. Here’s to another 16 years of BIG GAY LOVE!
♥ BEYONCE I love doing life with you! Let’s make it all happen in 2025. Your bear loves you endlessly.
♥ ELIE You are truly the love of my life and I’m so happy that the stars aligned for me to meet you. Here is to many more years of love.
♥ SWEET MEEKS You are the love of my life. I am way more attracted to you than all those other strippers. You are my favorite person.
♥ ANITA Friends are the family you choose. You help me become a better version of myself. Your strength inspires me. You are a joy to be around.
♥ JOHN I love you. Let’s be valentines forever. XOXO -CVH
♥ ANDY I love our walks with mugs, songs to Winston, pleasurable meals, and trying new things. Little moments of everyday love that I get to see and feel.
♥ BABAR BRIAN You’re the best thing I ever found online.
♥ BAHJI BEAN Thanks be to Craig and his list for bringing our 2 lil tender hearts together. I love you beyond reason, my best Bikbean. Giggles and snuggles, yes?
♥ BABYSIZE Somebody must love you because they sent you a Mercury valentine - Your Bebe
♥ EVAN I had loved you since we met, but somehow I love you more and more every day. Thanks for being my
♥ DR. GOAT What a beautiful life we have created together! Thank you for every moment, for bringing us back to PDX and for this baby! You are my heart & my home!
♥ JAYE DUBBZ I love you and I think you’re super hot, like really flaming spicy molten burning hot. Honest to goodness scorching.
♥ MY LITTLE WORM now we are 2 worms with a little worm bean and I couldn’t be happier to squirm through this lifetime with u! Marry me??
♥ BABE E KITI You’re the love of my life, the caretaker of my pigs, the backup snuggle for Dr Monkey. Thank ewe being mine on this crazy adventure Gimme kissie!
♥ M&S didn’t let me in 25+ yrs ago, but you did & I’ve been the luckiest boy ever since. Us vs. the world then & now & pardners for life > C+M = TLA xo
♥ JM 7 years have flown by and I’m grateful for every moment with you. I love myself more because of you & that’s the greatest gift. HVD baby
♥ A-ARON, MY BOO No one I’d rather binge Dateline, travel, or raise our family with. Here’s to decades more of sandy, sweaty, happy adventures! Always & all ways. Xo
♥ RHYNO Thank you for loving the goose and me so well and always supporting my career, outdoor adventures, and pursuit of gainz. ILY TQM BSO4LYFE
♥ DAVID By the time you read this I would’ve moved on, literally. I moved away but you were the neighbor I would have always given free rides, alas.
♥ HUSBAND No merry-go-round for us. I like our roller coaster. You get more out of it.
♥ BIRDIE The last year has been incredible. The love & joy you radiate makes me the luckiest man alive. Here’s to a happy, healthy, loving life as Team Brullen
♥ GINA You are likely the most beautiful, smart and goodhearted woman I’ve every met. Your smile can brighten any gray day. Here’s to our future! Tim
♥ CASEY 18 years, 2 cats & 1 adorable kid later, and I still love you more than anything (besides the kid and the cats). You know what Sammy Davis Jr says!
♥ KEITH You handsome bitch.
♥ TIMUR You’ve unlocked this horny slut and now I’m hooked. I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next. Cum get me as soon as you read this.
♥ FINNOULA Happy Valentine’s Day! I love being your mom and I’m so proud of you! Have the best day ever!!!
♥ OWLY MY ALWAYS Lomi: Our souls were signed before our hearts aligned, tho they always knew this love was true. I love our never-ending story, I love you, I love Us.
♥ COREY, SUBmitted 1/11 at 11:11, as wishy as Vday gets, published on my birthday: Make me your permanent naughty secretary, you lucky devil. -Miss Behavin’
♥ E 38 Valentine’s Days together?!? Glad that we continue to frustrate the folks that bet the under. Love you MBE. xox -J
Reading the Waves Fucks
Lidia Yuknavitch’s newest nonfiction celebrates the body, in all its slippery, squishy glory.
BY EMMA PATTEE
The writer Garth Greenwell once described attending a lecture at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, and hearing a writer say that an ideal sex scene would be a single sentence “they sat down on the sofa…” and then just white space.
This is the most succinct example of the literary establishment’s bias towards sex. Does sex—all those squishy sounds, all those technical body parts slipping and sliding all over the place—really belong in capital ”L” Literature? And yet, what is literature if not simply a lens through which we better understand our lives, our humanity? And, as Greenwell argues, how exactly can that be accomplished if that lens never turns its eye to our most primal act: sex.
The end result may not be white space, but it’s not much better. Sex in modern literature is often an air-brushed version of human sexuality far-removed from any kind of embodied experience. Nobody gets a hip cramp. Nobody has ingrown hair. Nobody actually seems to have a body, but instead just a brain, which takes a short break from musing on class and gender and capitalism, to have sexual intercourse, described with similar levels of detachment and intellectual flourishes.
the other mouth of me there in the water. I parted the lips of a self. With one finger two fingers I entered myself, the cave of my being, the lifedeath space. With my heavy wing hand, I pounded my clit. The water became waves. My body the waves. My eyes were closed but I recognized the heat surge of my ‘I’ rising in my hips and cunt.”
This is where I must caveat that if you, like the writer that Greenwell mentions, would prefer to have sex be just white space on a page, Reading the Waves may not be the book for you. In fact, this may not even be the book review for you. But if you have the appetite for Yuknavitch’s particular brand of candid lucidity, read on. What Yuknavitch offers us, with such deft sleight of hand it almost seems unintentional, is the deconstruction of the sex scene. Sex does not occur in a contained two-page erotic tableau. No, sex occurs alongside loss, grief, body aches, aging, and sitting in a bath because you’re too afraid to be home to witness your child leaving for college. It becomes as ordinary as mustard and as rapturous as a spiritual experience.
Enter Lidia Yuknavitch’s new book, Reading the Waves . The Oregon author’s first work of nonfiction since her viral memoir, Chronology of Water, Reading the Waves is a collection of essays spanning various topics and times of Yuknavitch’s life—a troubled family history, past sexual relationships, her son growing up and leaving home, the death of her second husband, Devin, her experience post-menopause. The thread that ties all of this together, that works both as framework and jumping off point, as subtext and as story, is the body. In all its slippery squishy glory.
Sex à la Yuknavitch is not written as a taut and detached experience to be analyzed, it is written on the body, by the body. Take for example, this description of Yuknavitch in the bath:
“My pleasure. The pleasure of a woman whose children—one who died, one who grew—are gone, a woman whose blood has come back to her forever. I put my hand to
“Joy resists narration,” Yuknavitch writes. And yet the thing I didn’t know I was longing for, until I read it, was her narration of just that: joy—especially as it relates to sexuality. Most sexual encounters I read in books this year were tinged with shame or deception, or questionable levels of consent. Given our political climate, this portrayal of sexuality is all too common, but I was surprised at how refreshing it felt to read Yukanvitch’s emphasis on the joy of bodily function. For example: “She put her mouth to each of my nipples so that they shot up like they were screaming for the stars to take them back…I halfway wanted someone to pull my legs apart so hard I snapped like a wishbone.” I mean, fuck yeah
This isn’t to say that Yuknavitch is somehow putting a pretty face on human sexuality. Incest, molestation, violence against women, coercion, all of these topics exist under Yukanvitch’s disarmingly frank gaze.
As a child, she struggles to masturbate after her cousin is brutally murdered. Her poet boyfriend punches her in the face and then attempts to seduce her by revealing
that he is wearing a pair of her own black lace underwear. Reading this scene, I braced myself for an ending that 4B feminists like myself would deem appropriate. Surely, Yuknavitch will scold him for being an abuser and demand back her lacy drawers. But no, she doesn’t. “It was a nightmare except that it was also funny as shit,” she writes. “A woman like me couldn’t bring myself to humiliate a poet in his moment of repentance. Not with those panties.”
Have I ever felt more seen in a piece of writing about coercion and toxic masculinity and shame and guilt? “Do you kind of hate men?” her son asks her, years later. “Sometimes I do,” she replies. “Or maybe I hate something in myself I can’t figure out.”
Again and again, Yuknavitch reminds us that there’s no thing that is just one thing. Everything is connected. “I believe sexu -
ality is omnipresent and takes a million forms,” Yuknavitch writes, “some tiny as molecules, others epic as myths. So this story is either about a ‘hike’ or about sexuality.” As we snap 2025 open like a wishbone, as tradwives bake and incels rage and porn keeps porning, it seems at times almost impossible to separate the reality of sex from the fantasy of it, like an image you stare at long and hard, trying to determine if it’s AI or not. Yuknavitch won’t make you wonder: In this revealing and multi-faceted look at death, living, and the multitudes of the body, she writes against the fantasy. She writes the truth about sex, which, it turns out, is the sexiest thing of all.
Lidia Yuknavitch appears in conversation with Rene Denfeld at Powell’s City of Books, 1001 W Burnside, Tues Feb 4, 7 pm, FREE ■
MILES MINGO
Lidia Yuknavitch’s sex scenes are steamy; they also ring true.
Horny vs Not Horny
The ultimate list of horny and un-horny things to eat—and where to find them locally!
BY ANDREA DAMEWOOD
Horniness (horny) is like Newton’s Third Law of Motion (not horny): For every thing that’s horny, there’s an equal and opposite thing that isn’t.
Food is not my kink—particularly after my fateful attendance at the 2006 taping of Jerry Springer’s “Pies and Fat People” episode. But I do think there’s the chance for a nibble to be an amuse bouche for sexy time, while other foods are just straight-up boner killers.
As you prepare for this season’s screwing, I posit a few options to set the mood, and other moves to avoid:
Gelato scoop at Pinolo Gelato: HORNY
Gelato is denser, richer, and thicker than ice cream, making every succulent tongue swish over the top of a cone whilst locking eyes with your lover all the more sensuous. One of the classic flavors is Fior di Latte , or “flower of milk,” for chrissake! Especially if you’ve seen Babygirl, that is SO HORNY. 3707 SE Division, pinologelato.com
Sushi: NOT HORNY
Don’t be fooled by portrayals of eating sushi off a naked woman (ewwwwww), or its frequent presence on first date reality TV. If you’re eating sushi right, you’re shoving a whole piece into your maw like Kirby in Dream Land. If you’re eating it wrong, you’re trying to bite each piece into two parts, resulting in everything falling apart, and you looking like a dork. Don’t do it.
Oysters at OK Omens: HORNY
Oysters, on the other hand, are the perfect
raw seafood to ingest. Besides being a known aphrodisiac, I have a theory, developed through much scientific method and personal testing (WINK), that if a person doesn’t like to slurp a fresh Netarts bivalve, they’re not gonna relish slurping up YOU. Plus, OK Omens has $1 oyster happy hour from 5 pm to 6 pm from Tuesday to Saturday. 1758 SE Hawthorne, okomens.com
Ribs: NOT HORNY
Despite the presence of a hard bone, the primal biting, the sticky sauce, and the finger sucking involved in ribs is just too… well, hmmm. Shoot, maybe ribs are horny.
Ribs: HORNY?
There’s a hard bone, lots of sticky sauce, primal biting, and finger sucking. If that’s your thing, then ribs are indeed horny! Try the slow smoked and sauced ones at Bark City BBQ. Report back.
4727 SE Woodstock, barkcitybbq.com
Well Done Steak Covered in Ketchup: NOT HORNY
This is reportedly Donald Trump’s favorite meal. He is the least sexy man to ever live, and this dogshit excuse for cuisine makes me extremely sad that a cow, and even tomatoes, had to die for this nonsense.
The Turkey Sandwich Sally Orgasmed to in When Harry Met Sally: HORNY
Pastrami Eaten Mid-Intercourse
like George Costanza: NOT HORNY
I guess anything can go between two slices of
bread, which really symbolize two sheets when you think about it? (I got a B in literature; go easy on me.)
First, Meg Ryan’s Sally Albright slaps around ingredients on her plain turkey sandwich at Katz’s Delicatessen in New York as she explains to Harry that women can indeed fake orgasms. Her iconic moans while her sandwich lays prostrate on the plate make the joke, “I’ll have what she’s having,” still funny 35 years later. V horny.
Poor George Costanza tries to sneak bites of his pastrami on rye with spicy mustard while engaged in coitus with his partner in Seinfeld , and gets caught in the act. He flew too close to the sun on the wings of pastrami.
Get your own sexy plant-based deli sammies at Ben and Esther’s Vegan Delicatessen.
1800 NE Alberta, benandesthers.com
Vale La
Peña at Libre: HORNY
I could have picked chocolate covered strawberries here, but strawberries aren’t in season, and we’re more ambitious than that. Instead, take your object of affection to Libre. It’s a grown-ass place for some pre-fuck funking. Always on the menu is chef/owner Gabriella Gonzalez Martinez’s signature: The Vale La Peña, or “It’s Worth It,” made with mole creme brulee, bone marrow caramel ice cream, and a Valrhona chocolate tuille. It’s adventurous, a little spicy, and very rich. Aye, papi.
2601 SE Clinton, librepdx.com
Whipped Cream Bikini: NOT HORNY
Ali Larter made her career wearing a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues in 1999. The
thought of all the milk product and vaginal fluids going warm and stale in the Texas air have haunted me since. Thank u, next.
Lady Gaga’s Raw Beef Dress: HORNY
In 2010, however, Lady Gaga got foodas-couture right when she wore an all raw meat dress to the MTV Video Music Awards. Not for the male gaze, but for our yearning for beef cuts. A meat hat and meat boots? This is a lady who takes care of all the sexy details in bed. PLUS, you could totally cook the germs off the meat afterward. Find your finest steaks at Gartner’s Meats–and maybe strategically drape a couple of ribeyes of your own?
7450 NE Lombard, gartnersmeats.com
Mayonegg: NOT HORNY
Arrested Development almost ruined hard boiled eggs for me, a cornerstone of my morning diet. But the way George Michael describes the way his girlfriend, Anne, eats what she calls a “Mayonegg” is truly upsetting. She takes a little pack of mayonnaise, squirts it into her mouth, and then puts a hard boiled egg in there and chews. No salt?! Using your mouth as a mayo ramekin while the egg is inserted whole? Makes me go drier than the Sahara.
Their genitals: HORNY
When in doubt about what to consume, try each other (but not in a weird allegedly Armie Hammer cannibal way–ALLEGEDLY). Sure we call it eating someone out, but keep that shit behind closed doors and dine in. Do that at your house, or at least out of my eyesight, you perverts. ■
EverOut’s 2025 Winter Events Calendar
BY JULIANNE BELL, LINDSAY COSTELLO, SHANNON LUBETICH, AUDREY VANN, JANEY WONG
Lunar New Year Lantern Viewing Evenings
In celebration of the Year of the Snake, Lan Su opens up after dark for its annual lantern viewing evenings. Grab a timed ticket to catch an illuminated dragon dance and energetic procession from Portland Lee’s Association Dragon & Lion Dance Team. For a more relaxed vibe, the final week of lantern viewings will feature traditional music performances to accompany your stroll under the soft, glowing lights. If you’re looking for a kid-free date night around Valentine’s Day, the evening of February 13 is reserved for folks 21 and up. Lan Su Chinese Garden (Jan 29–Feb 23) SHANNON LUBETICH
sapphic factory: queer joy party
In need of a boost of queer joy? Under the current administration, it’s more vital than ever to seek out community and liberation. Get a necessary dose of dopamine by dancing the night away at this LGBTQ+ dance party, which will feature the sonic stylings of sapphic favorites like MUNA, Fletcher, Phoebe Bridgers, Kim Petras, Marina, Elio, Ashnikko, Tegan & Sara, girl in red, and more. Even better, $1 of each ticket sold will “support and empower the health and wellbeing of LGBTQ+ communities” via the nonprofit PLUS1. Polaris Hall (Fri Jan 31) JULIANNE BELL
Neko Case in Conversation With Tucker Martine
If you don’t follow PNW-born treasure Neko Case on Instagram then do yourself a favor and click that “follow” button. She documents her life in rural Vermont with a sincerity and rawness that few famous people display these days. There, you
Portland Winter Light Festival’s 10th Anniversary Celebration
Celebrate the 10th anniversary of Portland’s best reason to head outside in wintertime. The Portland Winter Light Festival brings light-based art and performances from over 400 creators to public spaces across the city. This year’s theme, “A Light For Tomorrow,” encourages artists and attendees to imagine a “technicolor future” with playful light installations, immersive sculptures, fire art, food carts, and more. Break out those flashing light necklaces and fairy wands and join in! Various locations (Feb 7–15) SL
can expect to find a casual snap of her dinner, a blurry photo of her hair, and a trove of pet photos
Because of her delightfully authentic presence and poetic songwriting, I’m not surprised that she has released a memoir. Told in lyrical prose, The Harder I Fight the More I Love You recounts the story of Neko’s upbringing as a lonely creative child growing up in rural Washington. She will swing through Portland to chat with record producer Tucker Martine about the new book. Revolution Hall (Thurs Feb 6)
AUDREY VANN
Resonance Ensemble Presents: CHOIR GRRRL
The Resonance Ensemble’s treble singers will be joined by alt-pop duo Ringdown and Cecille Elliott (known for her collaborations with Lyyra and Sleater-Kinney) for a collaborative concert that shines a light on innovative female musicians and composers in Portland. The event name references the riot grrrl movement, but works from genre trailblazers Bikini Kill and Bratmobile do not appear on the program, so I am curious to see how that roaring energy will be incorporated into the traditionally buttoned-up genre of classical music. Aladdin Theater (Sat Feb 8) AV
Portland Chamber Orchestra Presents: Every Brain Needs (Love) Music
Have you ever wondered what your brain looks like on love songs? I don’t know the answer, but it’s probably not a fried egg. This Valentine’s Day, OHSU neuroscientist Larry Sherman hosts a thought-provoking, educational, and humorous multimedia discussion/concert that explores the unique ways that love songs impact brain function and human bonding. He will be joined by the Portland Orchestra, flutist James Edmund Greeley, and vocalists Marilyn Keller and Naomi LaViolette. Patricia Reser Center for the Arts (Fri Feb 14) AV
Valentine’s Day Through The Decades: Dance Party + Market
Grab your loves (romantic or platonic) and get ready to dance—the Hawthorne Theatre is hosting a Valentine’s Day party that’s sure to get you groovin’ regardless of relationship status. DJ BawdyHeat will spin tunes from the 1970s through the 2000s to trigger nostalgia galore. If you need a break from dancing, head to the lounge and shop from
local artists and vendors selling love-filled creations perfect for you and your boo. And don’t forget to sign up for the best dressed contest, snap a pic in the photobooth, and enter a raffle to win entry to a future show. Hawthorne Theatre (Fri Feb 14) SL
Giselle
Oregon Ballet Theatre’s top-notch company dancers will bring their world premiere of the 19th-century French ballet Giselle to the stage, sharing the story of a peasant girl who falls in love with a nobleman, Albrecht, who’s disguised as a commoner. Tragedy ensues, and the ghost-filled tale evokes the deadly sisterhood of the Wilis, a spectral group of women from Slavic myth who died after romantic betrayal. As they attempt revenge on Albrecht, Giselle finds a way to save him and herself. It’s the kind of ethereally beautiful production that’ll make you feel fancy and cultured just by showing up. Keller Auditorium (Feb 14–22) LINDSAY COSTELLO
Booklover’s Burlesque: Erotica Edition
Any lit lover will tell you that reading can be a truly titillating experience. Booklover’s Burlesque agrees, and since 2016 they’ve blended on-stage readings by local writers and actors with sexy, body-positive
performances inspired by each written piece. But what’s even sexier than regular old literature?
Literature that is intentionally sexy, AKA erotica. This “erotica” edition of the show should be even more salacious than usual. The cast will flick a middle finger to censorship and celebrate the written word with salacious burlesque, boylesque, and draglesque acts. Alberta Rose Theatre (Sat Feb 15) LC
Nikki Glaser: Alive And Unwell Tour
Nikki Glaser—Golden Globes host, Emmy-nommed blonde, and potty-mouthed legendary roaster
(she’s made appearances at the roasts of Rob Lowe, Bruce Willis, and Alec Baldwin)—will drop by Portland to offer up more delightfully crass observations. You’ll dig her style if you’re sick of Amy Schumer’s problematic shit but down for extended bits on the horror and devastation of learning about blowjobs. (“My mouth?! That’s where candy goes, I can’t believe you would put a dick there!” said Glaser in her Netflix special Bangin’.) Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (Feb 15–16) LC
2025 HUMP! Part One
Dan Savage’s pioneering erotic film fest will premiere an all-new lineup of sexy films featuring all genders and orientations at Revolution Hall again this year. Since 2005, HUMP! has brought inclusive, creative, and kinky films to the big screen—scope out the sex-positive fest in person for a tantalizing treat. This year’s HUMP! features not one but two feature-length lineups of “hot, heavy, and hilarious ‘dirty’ film shorts,” and part one includes a feast of
spanking-new films for your eyeballs. It’s worth a venture outside of your sex dungeon, but you can still wear the latex catsuit. Revolution Hall (Feb 15–Mar 1) LC
Fuyu Fest
Much has been made of the Scandinavian concept of hygge, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that Japanese culture also has plenty of coziness and elegance to offer. The third edition of this annual winter-themed festival, which is dedicated to the intersection of Japanese and Pacific Northwest culture, will offer nearly 100 types of craft Japanese sake as well as hearty offerings from food vendors Obon Shokudo, Not Umami’s Cooking, HeyDay, Yellow Heart Sunshine Bakery, and Electrica Coffee. Watch local mixologists show off their prowess with sake cocktails, learn about methods and philosophy from a Tokyo hot sake specialist, and soak up knowledge of sake culture and history from experts. Irving Street Studio (Sat Feb 22) JB
McMenamins History Ball
Dearest gentle readers, if you gravitate more toward the social niceties of the 18th and 19th centuries rather than today’s landscape of dating apps and sexting, don your finest frock, genteel waistcoat, or other period fashions for the event of the season.
Attend McMenamins’ first annual History Ball to fill out your dance card to classical ballroom music performed by the Fireside Social Orchestra and Triplum, learn traditional English country dancing
Erykah Badu
The 2025 Portland Jazz Festival is already looking like it will be a major event for the city, and we can’t say enough about singer-songwriter and Afro-centric fashion icon Erykah Badu playing the Moda Center on the second night of the festivities. Surely, this is a once-in-a-lifetime, bucket list instance for many. Cemented as one of the greats and widely recognized as a pioneering artist who defined the genre, Badu has been called the queen of neo soul. She’s responsible for unforgettable hits like “Next Lifetime” “Tyrone,” “Bag Lady,” and “On and On.” Whether or not you agree with or condone the various strange controversies that surround Badu—like that she’s a self-proclaimed witch with a so-called magical box, and the fact that she created vulva-scented incense made with the ashes of her burnt underpants to spread her good juju with the world—hearing the now 53-year-old soul legend perform at
on dainty hors d’oeuvres. Crystal Ballroom (Fri Feb 28) JANEY WONG
19th Annual Portland Seafood & Wine Festival
It’s time once again to gorge yourself on sea creatures and glug lots of vino at this annual family-friendly culinary extravaganza, which just so happens to fall during peak Dungeness crab season. Look forward to selections from over 30 Oregon wineries, plus ales, ciders, spirits, live music, balloon animals, and face painting. Plus, the festival will showcase wines deemed the best from a statewide competition. Portland Expo Center (Mar 1–2) JB
Portland Mardi Gras Parade
In 2010, transplants missing their Louisiana roots and locals with a love of the Bayou State came together to form the Mysti Krewe of Nimbus, a group dedicated to bringing the color and enthusiasm of the South to the Northwest. To celebrate the last indulgence before Lent, the Krewe leads a Mardi Gras parade down Mississippi Avenue every year, passing out their handcrafted signature mini-umbrellas (nimbus get it) to merrymakers. Everyone is invited to dress up and dance in the streets; venues along the way typically have food and drink specials to mark the occasion, and the revelry often extends post-parade into the night. N Mississippi & N Humboldt (Tues Mar 4) SL
PDX Jazz Festival’s first-ever arena concert is sure to be a local music highlight of the year. Moda Center (Fri Feb 21)
MERCURY CONTRIBUTOR JENNI MOORE
with dance caller Laura Hatch, watch a riveting sword fighting demonstration, and nibble
Soccer Mommy with Hana Vu
Nashville-raised singer-songwriter Sophie Allison, better known by her stage name Soccer Mommy, always manages to surprise and impress me with her introspective lyrics paired with irresistible pop hooks. I was introduced to her via her cover of Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire,” which enhances
Monet’s Floating Worlds at Giverny: Portland’s Waterlilies Resurfaces
The Portland Art Museum has conserved Monet’s treasured 1914–15 painting Waterlilies, returning the painting to the form Monet originally intended—sans varnish. The restoration, which “resulted in new color harmonies and brightness,” will be presented in Monet’s Floating Worlds at Giverny: Portland’s Waterlilies Resurfaces, which will also include prints from the museum’s Asian art collection, photographs of Giverny and Portland’s Japanese gardens, and works by Henri Rivière, Édouard Vuillard, Jules Chéret, and others. It’s perhaps the most romantic way to spend a spring afternoon. Portland Art Museum (Mar 1–Aug 17) LC
the melancholy yearning of the Boss’s enduring classic, and last year, I couldn’t stop listening to “Shotgun,” an unexpectedly romantic ode to the everyday mundanities of a long-term relationship. Her fourth studio album, Evergreen, finds her grappling with the grief of a deep personal loss—though there are still moments of playfulness, like “Abigail,” a wistful paean to everyone’s favorite violet-maned Stardew Valley love interest. Up-and-coming LA artist Hana Vu will join her as the opener for her Crystal Ballroom appearance. Crystal Ballroom (Wed Mar 5) JB
mxmtoon: liminal space tour
I recently discovered the Nashville-based singer-songwriter mxmtoon via the adorable video game Dave the Diver, in which the player splits their time between catching seafood and managing a sushi restaurant—and in which mxmtoon, AKA Maia, makes a cameo as a pixelated version of herself. It wasn’t long before I found myself enamored of her charmingly confessional lyrics and floaty melodies. Her latest album, liminal space, evokes the relatable feeling of being stuck in an in-between stage of life, with standout songs like “rain” (which explores nostalgia and the difficulty of staying present) and “i hate texas” (a cheeky kiss-off to an ex). Crystal Ballroom (Mon Mar 10) JB
Heart
The most precious Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever received was a vinyl copy of Heart’s Dreamboat Annie from my dad when I was a music-hungry preteen. So, it only feels fitting that I encourage the masses to get their loved ones tickets to see the Wilson sisters this Valentine’s Day. The classic rock icons will return to Portland exactly one month after the Day of Love on their Royal Flush tour with support from British cool cats Squeeze. Just think of all the adorable ways you could incorporate the tickets into a paper Valentine! Moda Center (Fri Mar 14) AV ■
Savage Love
BY DAN SAVAGE
Fear Factors
My partner and I have been together for nearly twenty years. While our love for each other is as strong as ever, our sex life has hit some bumps. We’ve talked about it a lot, and while we’re both feeling the disconnect, it’s been particularly frustrating for them. One thing that has always sparked our imagination is the idea of them being with someone else. Over the years, we’ve explored this in playful ways: checking out profiles on apps, sharing photos, and even roleplaying scenarios about them having an adventure with someone else. It’s thrilling in the moment, but eventually, we fall back into old routines. Recently, though, something shifted. A colleague has caught their eye. They’ve mentioned being attracted to this person, and the interest seems mutual. This colleague, while shy, has been flirting bac —buying thoughtful little gifts and inviting them out for drinks. Because of our shared fantasy and my deep desire to make them happy, I’ve been letting this play out. But here’s the thing: I’m feeling increasingly jealous and worried. What if this becomes something bigger? What if I end up pushed aside? Even though my partner reassures me that I’m the only one they want to come home to, those fears keep creeping in. How can I navigate these feelings without losing the connection we’ve worked so hard to build?
Apprehensive Now Getting Super Tense
male socialization might impact your reaction to your partner getting with their colleague (if you’re male); conversely, if your partner is a woman or they was (they were?) assigned female at birth and was socialized as a woman, having a sexual adventure might expose them to more risk of violence, pregnancy, sexually-transmitted infections, etc.
Anyway…
I’m going to assume you’re a cuck or cuck-adjacent, ANGST, because there’s something about your partner fucking around—but not you fucking around—that turns you on. Venus, the host of the Venus Cuckoldress Podcast and perhaps the smartest person on the planet about cuckold relationships, describes cuckolding as a “one-sided open relationship,” and that’s essentially what you’re talking about here. Venus also talks a lot on her show about
you through it. They can write a little lovely reassurance letter for you to open when you absolutely need it, or make a point to set aside time each week to have a check-in conversation, and spend some extra quality time with you.”
I would also recommend your partner fuck the shit out of you immediately after they get with this colleague—setting aside whether getting with a colleague is advisable—because reclamation sex, according to cucks, is the best part.“I’ve also found that cucks supporting other cucks during those anxious times has been really helpful,” said Venus, “so, consider reaching out to other couples with similar dynamics who may be open to friendships. Lastly, I would suggest a somatic sex coach who can give you some exercises you can do at home to help you relax your body and your mind when the
“If you can’t fuck me, then you don’t love me,” and that’s a whole spiral. We’ve discussed the non-sex in our lives before, and nothing ever really changes because he doesn’t initiate, and these discussions end with him reiterating that sex is not important to him. I never really thought of myself as a “sexual person,” but this absence of it is so deeply felt that it feels like a major thing is missing. Can you help?
Sexual Needs Aren’t Getting Satisfied
If I knew you personally, SNAGS, I would come over and help you pack. But since I don’t know you personally, I can only urge you to pack your shit and go. Your boyfriend isn’t who you thought he was when you met him and—gonna be charitable here—your boyfriend isn’t who he thought he was either. So, whatever else might be working, the sex isn’t working, and you didn’t sign up for a sexless relationship. And just in case you need to hear this: Your sexual orientation (gay and allo) is every bit as valid as his sexual orientation (gay and ace), SNAGS, so you have every right to end things—however lovely he might be otherwise— because he doesn’t fuck you the way Scorpios need to be fucked. (My official position: astrology is bullshit, SNAGS, but if blaming the stars makes it easier for you to end this relationship, blame the stars.)
Just wanna make sure I’m following you: You and your long-term partner are still in love, but you don’t fuck much anymore, and that’s a bigger problem for your partner than it is for you. But the one thing that reliably inspires you to fuck your partner are shared fantasies about them getting with someone else. Not you getting with someone else, ANGST, just them getting with someone else.
Enter someone else.
Zooming out for a second: I don’t know if you’re a cuckold (a man who gets off on being cheated on) or a cuckquean (a woman who gets off on being cheated on) or a cuck (a non-gendered term for someone who gets off on their partner cheating on them) because there’s no data in your letter about who was assigned exactly what at birth. While I respect nonbinary identities and they/them pronouns—because I’m not Mark Fucking Zuckerberg—it can be hard to craft practical sex advice when you don’t know the sexes (assigned or otherwise) of the parties involved. For instance, ANGST,
something she describes as “cuck angst,” ANGST, which seems to describe you perfectly.
“One of the things that attracted me to cuckolds was their ability to turn something potentially painful and uncomfortable —their partner having a sexual experience with someone else—into something pleasurable and fun,” said Venus. “And while cucks can experience intense feelings of jealousy, doubt, and anxiety, ‘cuck angst’ is a part of the thrill for the cuckold. But it can be very scary and uncomfortable, particularly before that first experience.”
How do you get over the angst and learn to enjoy your partner fucking around on you in actual-fucking-around-on-you practice and not just fantasizing-about-them-fucking-around-on-you theory?
“The only way to get the post-cuck glow on the other side is to lean into it,” said Venus. “That’s not to say that you have to navigate these powerful emotions all on your own! Your partner has a role to play in helping
angst gets difficult. Ultimately the whole dance of emotions and feelings involved with being a cuck gets easier over time and you can both enjoy the next-level love, trust, and connection that this kind of relationship is known for.”
Follow Venus on BlueSky @CuckoldressV and check out her podcast at venuscuckoldress.com.
I’m a 37-year-old man with a 35-year-old partner. We are both cisgender gay men, and he has recently been working from more of an asexual profile. Whatever physical/sexual intimacy we shared in the beginning of our nearly three-year relationship is long gone. He now tells me that he was “never really into” sex with a partner, but he felt compelled “to do it” because gay men are supposed to be sexual. He enjoys self-pleasure during “alone time,” but he isn’t interested in sharing any of that time or energy with me. As a Scorpio, the idea of my partner not wanting sex with me makes me feel like,
P.S. It’s wonderful when someone realizes they’re polyamorous or asexual — who doesn’t want an angel to get her wings?—but the person they married (or partnered with) when they thought they were monogamous or allosexual isn’t obligated to accept an open relationship or a sexless one. Loving, supporting, and staying is an option, of course, but loving, supporting, and leaving is an equally valid option. (My official position: monogamy or polyamory are relationship models, not sexual orientations; something we do, not something we are.)
P.P.S. You might be able to make a companionate relationship work—you love each other, you fuck other people—but companionate relationships only work when both parties wanna make it work. (My official position: all relationships become companionate relationships if they go on long enough.)
GOT PROBLEMS? YES, YOU DO!
Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns, and more at Savage.Love
JOE NEWTON
YOUR MAD LIBS LOVE LETTER!
Not very romantic? The Mercury is here to save the day with a Valentine love note to send to your sweetie! On a separate sheet of paper, write down the following words and then place them in the corresponding numbered blanks in the love letter below:
1) The name of your third pet, 2) body organ, 3) noun, 4) number between 50 and 100, 5) another number between 50 and 100, 6) any place of employment, 7) body part, 8) body part, 9) body cavity, 10) the title of the last documentary you watched on Netflix, 11) noun, 12) your favorite condiment, 13) body organ, 14) external body part, 15) noun, 16) home appliance, 17) plural noun, 18) another plural noun, 19) yet another plural noun, 20) adjective, 21) sexy adjective, 22) another body cavity, 23) your favorite TV series, 24) noun, 25) the name that bullies called you in the 5th grade.
Dearest (1) , My (2) longs for the magic touch of your (3) Though I’ve only known you for (4) months, it feels like (5) years. I remember the very first day you walked into my (6) : I marveled at your (7) , the gentle curve of your (8) , and the twinkling glow deep inside your (9) . I recall thinking to myself, “ (10) ,” though I knew Iv was moving too fast. But why should I wait when I know that I’ve found the (11) I want to spend the rest of my (12) with? When I see you, my (13) races, my (14) trembles, and I long to put my (15) inside your (16) . Ah! My love! Without you there are no (17) , no (18) , and in fact, no (19) either. There is only you, and the (20) , (21) desire that fills my (22) whenever you are near. Love me, my dearest… today, tomorrow, and until the end of (23)
Forever your (24) , (25)
Which of the devices in the following eight photos are sex toys, and which are musical instruments? Answers below.
1. Clitoral suction device, 2. Nose flute, 3. Ass face mouth gag, 4. Baby maraca, 5. XXL dildo, 6. Ocarina, 7. Kissing vibrator, 8. Corn harmonica
