Featuring advice you need to navigate the highs and lows of the holiday season.
BY WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
With election season in the rearview, it’s time to focus on the next upcoming traumatic event: THE HOLIDAYS. (Seriously, can we just have one 10-minute break from *waves arms frantically* everything??) Let’s face it: As joyful and fun as they can be, the holidays are also exhausting and take a lot of physical and emotional effort. That said, there are ways to get through the holiday season with your sanity intact, but it does take some brain training—and that’s exactly what we’re aiming to help you do with our annual Mercury holiday guide!
That’s right, we’ve got lots of solid, no-nonsense advice gathered by the Mercury ’s best writers and Portland’s top experts. Here’s just a sneak peek at some of the articles that can provide a lot of mental solace this holiday season:
Holidays for Humans: Let’s just say what everyone’s thinking: Aunt Barbara is a bitch. So when Barb—or any overbearing relative—insults your turkey day gravy, or says something that makes you want to curl up in a ball under the sink, how should you react? The hilarious and wise Courtenay Hameister has some hilarious and wise advice (with help from two qualified therapists) on how to answer that question, and take care of oneself during the holidays.
Zen and the Art of Holiday Pet Sitting: Alone on the holidays? THAT’S OKAY. In fact, despite what every media source, social media platform, and advertisement is trying to sell you, “togetherness” during the holidays—particularly during the Christmas season— is not the answer for everyone. In this sweet, smart piece, our Lindsay Costello documents her family estrangement, and how pet sitting for traveling friends o ered her a furry and cute path to enlightenment.
Let’s Start Things! Let’s End Things!: Don’t know about you, but my New Year’s plans include spiraling down a mental rabbit hole of mistakes I made during 2024 and how 2025 isn’t looking much better. Thank goodness then for this particularly sharp article from HR Smith, who shares their ideas for stopping things (unhealthy habits) and starting things (like a creative project that will fill you with energy and hope)—and it’s jam-packed with great advice from four true experts in their fields: two therapists, one artist, and a witch.
Or maybe you’re one of the 0.001 percent of Portlanders who are like, “My mental health is absolutely FINE, thankyouverymuch,” and the only help you need are what types of gifts to buy for friends and
loved ones. To that I’d say, “congrats on that being your only problem and I have no resentment toward you, like, at all” AND that you’re doubly lucky the Mercury has tons of gift-giving ideas! For example: Look, you’ll be going to the airport at least once, if not multiple times over the next few months… so why not be like the smart and prepared Suzette Smith who has a lineup of thoughtful, interesting gifts you can find at the newly refurbished Portland International Airport?
And if you’ve got someone on your list who spends a lot of time in the kitchen (or perhaps stabbing people?), check out Andrea Damewood’s terrific, and highly researched article on the best KNIVES for the foodie in your life. (We trust you won’t gift a knife to the wrong person.) And if your loved one is an audiophile who loves vinyl, we have not one but TWO articles from Jenni Moore and Corbin Smith that have some top-notch vinyl suggestions for those record lovers in your life. Don’t know where to start looking for prezzies? In our annual gift guide you’ll find poop-tons of inventive, cute, and highly sought-after products from some of Portland’s best small businesses— who you should ABSOLUTELY support this season and for the coming year!
For some, snackin’ and boozin’ are the true reasons for the season, and not only do
we have a thirst-quenching roundup of holiday beers, but also an eye-popping list of the some of the best sweets that Portland has to o er, and where to snap them up! Or if it’s events you crave, then don’t miss my “critical review” of some of the city’s best holiday happenings, and (because my opinions just won’t stop) how they can be improved. And as usual, our EverOut calendar team has compiled the ultimate list of holiday picks that can’t be missed. And all that’s on top of our regular Mercury o erings including news, comedy, fun, AND a year-end wrapup of the trashiest gossip of the year courtesy of Elinor Jones and The Trash Report! Swear to baby Jesus, anything you’re looking for in regards to making it through the coming season is right here in the Mercury ’s Holiday Guide! Look for it at more than 500 spots around the city, and never forget: In 2025 and beyond, the Mercury is here to entertain and inform you of the best our city has to offer—and that, my friends, is the gift we intend to keep on giving. Happy holidays from all your Mercury pals and me,
Wm. Steven Humphrey Editor-in-Chief
Portland Mercury (he/him)
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THE TRASH REPORT
BY ELINOR JONES THE BEST TRASH OF 2024
Happy Holidays, Trash Pandas! ‘Tis I, Elinor Jones, AKA the Ghost of Trash Past, here to guide you through 2024— a year that I could best describe as “a year that happened.”
January 8
I hate to break it to us, but despite anyone’s resolutions, this is probably not going to be a year when anybody becomes better. You know how in professional sports, when a bunch of the big names have retired or left and then it’s just rookies and no-names, they call it a “Rebuilding Year”? 2024 will be the opposite of that for us. A destroying year. All of us are going to get worse, it’s just a matter of how quickly, and how much.
February 12
I am all about the monoculture and I love to love things, but I am so tired of football and Taylor Swift! No more brain space; I simply cannot. I mean look: Am I glad she made it to the game in time after her Tokyo shows? Yes. Do I think this was a challenge or hardship for her when she has her own airplane and team of professionals to ensure it happens comfortably and efficiently? No. Am I impressed that her lipstick always looks so damn good? Yes. Did I like her pants? No, I hated them. Do I think it’s hilarious that Republicans hate Taylor Swift so much that they’d rather root for the team out of San Francisco than the corn-fed midwestern one? Yes, a thousand times yes, this is incredible, put it in my veins. Will I listen to her new album? OBVIOUSLY. But that’s it! No more thoughts!!
April 1
April 15
[ Regarding a possible Monopoly movie .]
“What’s next, Checkers? Jenga? You wanna make a Jenga movie? What, fuckin’ CONNECT FOUR ?” And I will stop you right there, because that one works. Four is the correct number for a collection of people. It’s the best table in a restaurant— no pulling up an extra chair for some poor schmuck to sit at one end. Four is the maximum number of heads that will fit into a photobooth picture. Four is how many adults fit comfortably in a car. So let’s talk about this Connect Four movie: I am seeing three fri ends realize that something is missing and they desperately seek a fourth, but they keep being blocked by outside forces, until finally, one day, through either meticulous planning or pure dumb luck, the pieces line up just so, and they find their fourth friend, thus creating a powerful block which shall emerge victorious! “But Elinor,” you say. “Is this not the plot of the 1990s supernatural teen thriller THE CRAFT ?” To which I say: “DING FUCKING DING.” A Connect Four movie already exists, it stars Fairuza Balk and Neve Campbell, and it’s perfect!
May 13
The world has gone country, and by that I mean we have all been listening to Beyon cé’s latest album Cowboy Carter weekend. I’m a fan! Several years ago I found a pair of those mag ical thrift store cowboy boots that somehow both fit per fectly and are extremely cool, and I always knew there was a reason to hang on to them. I’m excited to plan an outfit to wear to her next concert that probably won’t come anywhere near Portland anyway. A girl can dream. That’s country.
First Lady Jill Biden stopped in Portland last week to attend a quick fundraiser in Lake Oswego. Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler was there, and later told the press “it’s nice to see the First Lady supporting our city and taking an interest in what we do here.” Buddy! She wasn’t even in our city! Was there nowhere decent in Portland proper for her to glad-hand wealthy Democrats? You know, I almost think she was trying to keep away from the riffraff by going to Lake Oswego, and that is especially not “what we do here.” In Portland, riffraff is the name of the game!
May 20
Rudy Giuliani somehow (and for days) evaded Arizona o -
cials trying to serve him an indictment for his (alleged) 2020 election crimes. I could use a lot of words to describe Rudy Giuliani, but “indiscreet” and “stealthy” are definitely not among them. I feel like one could locate Rudy Giuliani using whatever magic makes a cartoon mouse float towards cheese, but the wafting odor is a mix of cigars, cologne, and farts. Alas, the man was found, and at his own 80th birthday party. Giuliani even shared an absolutely psychotic Amazon wish list of the stu he wanted, which included “stain blocking ceiling paint.” That Giuliani worries about his ceiling getting dirty really captures the explosive gooeyness of this chapter in his life.
to get laid, and it’s really a shame she died before this attempted assassination of Donald Trump; she would have made it so horny.
August 5
June 10
Sabrina Carpenter released a fun and steamy video for her new single “ Please Please Please ” which features boyfriend Barry Keoghan . These two are giving the sultry slutty young relaysh vibes they were trying to sell us with Glen Powell and Sydney Sweeney last year. I could never fully get behind those two because they look like they were generated by an AI prompt of “hot white heteros.” Barry and Sabrina are hot too, but also interesting, sexy, a little dangerous, and maybe kinda mean? Like Glen and Sydney would break your heart by ghosting you, but they’d never tell anyone else your secrets, whereas Barry and Sabrina would get a tattoo of your name and then try to run over you with their car.
June 17
The AtmosFEAR ride at Oak’s Park got stuck upside down last week, leaving some 30 people stuck upside down for 25 minutes. Roller coaster-avoiders like me will get YEARS of excuses out of this. It’s not that we’re scared; it’s that we’re smart (We’re also very scared.)
July 8
Gwyneth Paltrow held a party at her home in the Hamptons and somebody got diarrhea I’m sorry, not just diarrhea—”catastrophic” diarrhea, which is a pretty horrifying combination of words! The diarrhea was allegedly caused by Ozempic, which all the stars are taking, so think about this the next time you see a star-studded red carpet: know that the bathrooms at that event are a grade-A paint show, and you’re lucky you’re not there.
July 15
Iconic sex therapist Dr. Ruth passed away last week at the age of 96. There was not a major event she couldn’t make into a reason
I am loving the Olympics! God, the amount of pride I feel for the US Olympics Team is overwhelming; borderline ew, like am I becoming a flag girlie? Seeing tacky bedazzled Republicans at the RNC a couple weeks ago made me want to hurl, but throw some gemstones on a leotard and I am in line. I’ve been especially tickled by the vibes of the shooting competitors despite hating guns with every fiber of my being. The gun lobby might be appealing to the wrong instincts in trying to garner support. I mean, has the NRA ever considered simply serving cunt?
August 26
Republican Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance is trying to prove he’s not weird and failing spectacularly. He recently stopped by a donut shop where the workers didn’t want to be on camera and ordered “whatever makes sense,” for which he has been mercilessly mocked. And look, I get it: When JD Vance orders “whatever makes sense” it sounds like a robot prepping for his first day of human school. That said, I do think this makes sense! I like the idea of ordering “ ~items~. ” Put “whatever makes sense” on the late-night menu at a bar and I guarantee you it will go gangbusters. Sometimes you’ll get a vat of french fries and a pitcher of beer. Other times you’ll get a Sprite and two ibuprofen. Credit where credit is due—this couch-fucker might be on to something!
September 16
Actor James Earl Jones passed away last week at the age of 93. He was the last good Jones. Now it’s just me. And my Mufasa voice is shit.
October 14
The widow of Bobby Kennedy and mother of presidential candidate RFK Jr. , Ethel Kennedy, passed away last week at the age of 96. I think if the son of a deceased person repeatedly requests that the casket not be locked and sealed, you gotta wonder what he’s got planned for that corpse
What wonders will these final days of 2024 have in store for us? I have absolutely no idea, but you can guarantee that I’ll be around to make a silly joke about it (hopefully!) I hope your -ber months are safe, warm, and cute.
Santa-ly,
DREW ANGERER-GETTY IMAGES
Father Christmas, Bring Us Some Snow Plows
Christmas came early for these city bureaus and agencies. Let’s see what ‘Taxpayer Santa’ brought them!
BY COURTNEY VAUGHN
What you do with your money is nobody’s business, but what the government does with your money is everyone’s business.
At a time of year when parents across the nation get suckered into splurging on pricey, short-lived toys (sorry, but your kid is never gonna learn to play that keyboard and there’s a good chance that Easy-Bake Oven will burn your house down), we set out to see which public agencies and city bureaus received the biggest, coolest, and most expensive toys—thanks to you and your tax dollars.
While these agencies may have been blessed with many of the toys on their wish lists, we know austerity measures are coming. The Portland mayor’s o ce recently o ered a budget preview that reveals city bureaus will likely need to cut another 5 percent from their budgets in the upcoming fiscal year. If that sounds like a bone dry way of explaining the city’s money sitch, imagine if you already had to cancel all your streaming services and lower your grocery bill last year, and now you have to cut even more expenses, to the point where you’re considering canceling your internet service and just stealing the shoddy WiFi signal from that co ee shop down the street.
And though the government shopping sprees may be coming to an end for now, let’s take stock of some big-ticket toys, tools, and trucks that taxpayers recently bought for our public agencies. Show this to your kids to explain why “Santa” had to scale back this year.
Portland Police Bureau Body cameras
What they are: small video cameras roughly the size of a credit card that clip onto ocers’ uniforms. In December 2023, Portland City Council authorized police to spend up to $10 million on body-worn cameras over the next five years. The end-of-year purchase was a bit of an impulse buy. The council approved the expense in an e ort
to save the bureau $1.5 million by approv ing a contract with camera manufacturer Axon before the new year. This feels like the equivalent of springing for a new washer and dryer during a Presidents Day sale be cause the deal is too good to pass up.
Estimated cost: $10 million
Portland Police Bureau
Drones
What they are: small, aerial cameras also known as unmanned aircraft systems, which record video and images from the vantage point of a bird or an insect buzzing above your head. PPB started using drones in 2023 as part of a pilot program. This year, the City Council coughed up nearly $100,000 for the bureau to buy more devices. Police mainly use them to help get images at major crime and crash scenes.
TriMet
Articulated transit bus, AKA “bendy bus”
The bureau says the high-flying cameras allow officers to “monitor critical incidents from a distance, assist with search and rescue, and provide evidence of crimes.” Recently, PPB has deployed drones at crisis scenes involving uncooperative, potentially dangerous subjects, to try to peer into windows or gain a view of other hard-to-reach spaces. Police swear they’re not using drones for any type of facial recognition efforts.
Estimated cost: $166,000
Portland Police Bureau
Crowd control weapons; armor
What it is: tear gas, riot shields, and impact munitions. Earlier this year, the Portland Police Bureau revived its crowd control specialists, formerly called the Rapid Response Team. Crowd control o cers responded to large-scale protests over the spring at Portland State University and now, the bureau is preparing for demonstrations and potentially violent protests following the November election. The city didn’t skimp on PPB’s shopping budget, authorizing $1.1 million for the purchase of 100 shields; 350 tear gas canisters; 350 kinetic impact projectiles; 300 impact munitions with chemical irritants; 100 flash-bang incendiary devices, and munitions training.
Note: Since they’re spending your tax money, all of these weapons will be used on you, dear readers… which gives new meaning to the phrase, “You get what you ask for.”
Estimated cost: $1.1 million
What it is: a long, 60-person public transit bus with an accordion-like middle section, allowing the long bus to maneuver around tight roads while carrying more passengers. The buses are diesel-powered and allow TriMet to expand capacity on select, highly-used routes. Frequent service and more seats = more fentanyl traces, baby!
Estimated cost: $935,000
Portland Fire & Rescue
Tractor-drawn aerial truck
What it is: a big-ass fire engine with superpowers. Tractor-drawn aerial trucks give firefighters extra maneuverability and include an aerial ladder for reaching tall and tight spaces. They also have independent rear steering, so the trailer attached to the truck can be angled even when the cab isn’t. These behemoths typically range in length from 55 to 65 feet.
Estimated cost: $1.7 million
Portland Bureau of Transportation
Street sweeper
What it is: A heavy-duty truck that sweeps and vacuums. The latest street sweeper purchase by PBOT was a 2023 Elgin Eagle. The
model boasts a conveyor that won’t jam, a variable height lift system and a high-capacity dump feature (paging Sir Mix-a-Lot!) As the manufacturer notes, the Eagle sweeper can maintain highway speeds and ensures “dumping is a breeze.”
Estimated cost: $424,500
Portland Water Bureau Snow plow
What it is: A SnowDogg plow attachment for heavy-duty trucks that can scoop snow and debris o roads. You probably thought PBOT was the only bureau to come to our rescue during a snowstorm. Not so! The Water Bureau is also responsible for keeping roads clear during crummy weather, while responding to water main breaks and other crises. The Water Bureau recently bought two plow attachments and even opted for discontinued 2019 models to save some dough. The latest purchases weren’t meant for general use around the city. Instead they’re mostly meant to secure watersheds, clear access paths to the Water Bureau’s own facilities, and other bureau-specific responses—but still, it never hurts to have more of these puppies available during the next snowpocalypse.
Estimated cost: $5,600 ■
New Marie Equi Day Center O ers Unhoused LGBTQ+ Portlanders Resources and Hope
With new digs and funding, a local nonprofit is helping queer and trans residents find safety, and a path o the streets.
BY ANNA DEL SAVIO
In October, Portland’s first day center for unhoused queer and trans people opened in Southeast.
The Marie Equi Center’s new Brooklyn neighborhood day shelter is intended to welcome visitors “just coming in to regulate their nervous systems in the space and hang out, or to get connected to our peer services,” center director Katie Cox said.
“We say that we’re a really LGBTQ-affirming city and space, but the services and the infrastructure have needed more support,” Cox said. The new funding, which comes from Metro’s Supportive Housing Services tax revenue via Multnomah County, “feels like folks putting their money where their mouth is,” Cox added.
Peer support and community health workers are on-site to offer basic wound care, emotional support, recovery mentoring, health education, referrals, and assis-
tance navigating social service systems. But the 13,000-square-foot Trans & Queer Service Center also has space for visitors to come in o the street to simply sit and decompress.
For many unhoused people, “you don’t have a safe place to be during the day where you actually feel welcome and your whole nervous system has a chance to relax and just be,” Equi program director Madeline Adams said. “So much of what we do as humans to heal or to overcome what we’ve been through requires, as a baseline, an environment… where we can come back to a semblance of having all of our faculties.”
A large room at the front of the building hosts community events that run the gamut from karaoke nights to crash courses on budgeting and cleaning for newly housed folks.
Smaller rooms are used for one-on-one meetings with community health workers who provide emotional assistance, harm reduction, basic first aid, recovery support, health education, help navigating over services and systems, and gender-affirming referrals.
“That can look a lot of different ways, but the goal of it is to walk alongside folks, to help them address barriers as they come up and access the resources and supports that they need,” Cox said. Before the move— which also came with a name change from Institute to Center—the Marie Equi Institute primarily offered services out of an office in the Q Center on North Mississippi Avenue.
stress of being a new mom as well as being part of the queer community,” Meadows said. “There were days where I went there just to be, because it was a safe space.” Meadows ended up in Portland when their housing plans fell apart en route from Kentucky.
For many unhoused people, “you don’t have a safe place to be during the day where you actually feel welcome and your whole nervous system has a chance to relax and just be.”
—Equi
program
director Madeline Adams
Scarlet Meadows first came to the Q Center two years ago for the free food pantry, but found her way into the Equi Institute’s office.
The institute’s peer support workers “helped me out a lot emotionally with the
From the Equi Center mentors, Meadows found spiritual and emotional support, and help navigating bureaucracy like Medicaid enrollment.
“Sometimes I would go there specifically to make a phone call, just to have that support and someone who knows what questions to ask,” Meadows said.
Meadows hadn’t sought out peer services before coming to the Equi Center.
“I was still dealing with a lot of trauma and kind of stuck in my own head about certain things,” Meadows said.
Peer health workers at Equi “move at the speed of trust,” Adams said. Rather than jumping right into tasks, workers have to build relationships with their houseless cli-
ents before those clients will open up about their needs. The bigger space allows sta to connect with visitors who need more time before opening up to a peer worker.
When Adams was houseless, one of the hardest parts was that “people just couldn’t comprehend what I was dealing with or why I wasn’t housed,” she said. “It was always just so awkward and you could tell that people didn’t want to hear. The last thing you want to do in that situation is to ask for what you need, because by the time you reach someone that’s going to say yes, you’ve already learned that it’s not really safe to be asking.”
A decade of Marie Equi
The Marie Equi Institute was founded a decade ago, named for “Doc” Marie Equi, a lesbian doctor and activist working in Oregon in the early 1900s (and the namesake of the local lesbian bar Doc Marie’s). The institute was created to provide queer and trans-specific primary care, right after Oregon Medicaid started covering gender-a rming care. Many of the Equi Institute’s clients came to the organization after fleeing other areas of the country where there wasn’t access to gender-a rming care, Cox said.
The center has seen a growing number of visitors who came to Portland to escape anti-LGBTQ legislation and violence in
Katie Cox, director of the Marie Equi Center
Volunteers paint a mural at the new Marie Equi Center. ANNA DEL SAVIO
other states.
When the pandemic hit, the institute had just hit pause and started to reassess operations after their clinical director took medical leave.
The institute joined the C(3)PO coalition, which created three outdoor tent camps for homeless Portlanders early in the pandemic. Starting in sheds in the C(3) PO villages, the Equi Institute built up a community health program working “at the intersection of homelessness and public health,” Cox said.
Last fall, the Multnomah County Board of Commissioners approved $3 million in funding for day shelters, including $830,000 to the Equi Institute, in preparation for Portland’s public camping ordinance taking e ect. But the institute didn’t get the contract from the Joint O ce of Homeless Services until March. The funds had to be spent by the end of June, leaving just a few months for the center to find a new location and use up the money.
The institute signed a lease in June and got to work on renovations with Gensler, an architecture firm that also led the renovation of the Rose Haven day center.
The building has showers, laundry services, a gymnasium, food pantry, kitchenette, computer lab, reading nook, and art space.
Cox said sta are working on plans to use the gym as an overnight shelter during severe weather.
“We know this is going to be a big learning curve for us, having our own building,” Cox said.
Thanks in-part to the SHS funding, the Marie Equi Center has doubled in size to 15 sta , including a new peer services coordinator and a center operations coordinator. The center ended up spending $752,000 from JOHS last fiscal year and was awarded $857,000 for the current fiscal year.
A Homelessness Response Action Plan finalized by the city and county earlier this year specifically calls for more culturally-specific services, including the creation of a shelter for LGBTQIA2S+ adults.
Existing culturally-specific providers like the Marie Equi Center “know what their communities need, are doing what their communities need, and just need that funding piece and support from their
partners in government to be able to make that happen or do more of it,” JOHS equity manager Emily Nelson said.
Part of a continuum Cox wanted to add a housing navigator to the center’s expanded team, but the Joint O ce didn’t award enough funding to cover that position in the current fiscal year.
“As we expand day services and expand shelter, we have to make sure that we have ways to connect folks to permanent housing through day services and shelter,” Nelson said.
Cox said the center’s peer workers struggle to connect clients with housing services that are safe and affirming for queer and trans people.
One of the hardest parts of the work “is the heartbreak of knowing exactly what people need and deserve and not being able to get that to those people in a real way,” Adams said.
Transgender houseless people are less likely to find shelter. Nearly 54 percent of transgender houseless people are unsheltered, compared to 39 percent of cisgender houseless people, according to the National Alliance to End Homelessness
The new day center won’t only serve people while they’re living on the streets or in a shelter. Trans and queer people face disproportionate discrimination in housing, both in a ordable housing and market-rate rentals, so support is needed for newly housed people.
“If it’s not the rental company discriminating against you, it could be other people in the building, and then your new home is starting to feel very unsafe,” Cox said. Having a queer or trans peer who can o er support in navigating those challenges “increases the likelihood that folks are going to be able to stay housed,” they said.
“As people navigate the transition from being unhoused to being housed, they often feel like they lose their community of folks that they were living with unsheltered,” Cox said. “The more we can start to bridge those gaps early on and create that community building, the more successful we’ll be at keeping people housed.”
For more information, visit www.marieequi.center. ■
The Marie Equi Center provides a safe space for houseless trans and queer people.
MARIE EQUI CENTER
events!
FEB 20 • MAR 1, 2025
Terri Lyne Carrington & Social Science
TRANSLINEAR LIGHT: The Music of Alice Coltrane ft. Ravi Coltrane & Brandee Younger Christian M C Bride & Ursa Major
The Altons & Thee Sinseers · Andrew Cyrille Quartet ft. Bill Frisell
Vijay Iyer Trio · The Philharmonik · Immanuel Wilkins
Orions Belte · Jazzmeia Horn · Maurice ‘Mobetta’ Brown
Larry Goldings & Melinda Sullivan · JD Simo · Parlor Greens
Rogê · The Arab Blues · Jovino Santos Neto Quinteto
David Friesen’s Circle 3 Trio · Lizzie No · Jimmie Herrod · Nik Bärtsch’s RONIN
A Major (League) Undertaking
The Portland Diamond Project wants to bring pro baseball to Portland—but will it get the love and money needed to survive?
BY
ABE ASHER
The Portland Diamond Project has been working to bring a Major League Baseball team to the Rose City for the better part of six years— taking meetings, selling merchandise, and, most importantly, trying to secure a site to build a new stadium.
Now, however, things may be changing. In September, the group announced it had signed a letter of intent to purchase Zidell Yards—a 33-acre former shipyard that has long sat vacant on the South Waterfront.
It is, in a number of ways, an ideal site. Zidell Yards is relatively centrally located, has strong transit connections to the rest of the city and beyond, and could become the nexus of a larger redevelopment of the south end of the city center.
In a press release announcing the letter of intent, Mayor Ted Wheeler said he believes the project is moving in the right direction.
“This is a big moment for Portland,” Wheeler said. “This is a tremendous opportunity to shape our waterfront, create new economic opportunities, and build a vibrant and sustainable neighborhood.”
It’s not just Wheeler who is optimistic—the outgoing Portland City Council voted unanimously in favor of a resolution supporting the Portland Diamond Project’s e orts to land a team. Wheeler said the resolution signaled the city is “ready to make commitments.”
Per its agreement with ZRZ Real Estate, a Zidell family business, Portland Diamond Project now has 42 months to complete its purchase of the property. That likely means it has just three-and-a-half years to convince Major League Baseball that it should expand to Portland—and, in tandem, to convince Portland that it needs an MLB team.
For baseball fans in Portland, it’s an easy sell. But for Portlanders wondering how the project may a ect the city as a whole, it may be more complicated. Part of the reason why is that—Wheeler’s optimistic vision notwithstanding—professional sports teams rarely have the kind of impact we imagine.
“The basic story here is the economic impact of professional sports—or big events, like the Olympics—tend to be pretty small,” said Victor Matheson, a professor of economics at The College of the Holy Cross. “Which isn’t a problem, unless you’re talking about major public investment.”
In the past, the push to bring baseball to Portland has included significant public investment. In 2002, when the city was attempting to lure the relocating Montreal Expos to the northwest, the state legislature passed a bill to allocate $150 million to stadium construction—which was, at the time, estimated to be nearly half of the total construction cost.
But that money was never used—the Expos moved to Washington, D.C.—and it’s
unclear at this point how much public financing the Portland baseball group might seek. While Portland Diamond Project officials declined a request for an interview for this story, the group’s founder and president Craig Cheek wrote in an email to the Mercury that the group hopes to update the public on the state of the project soon.
For sports economists like Matheson, the question of whether it’s worth supporting the movement to bring an MLB team to Portland rests almost entirely on how much public money is involved.
“I’m fully in favor of Major League Baseball coming to Portland, while being simultaneously fully opposed to any sort of significant public funding for the sort of stadium infrastructure you’d need to host a Major League Baseball team,” Matheson said. “That pretty much sums up the basic opinion of any economist who has looked at the economic impact of sports in general.”
that money at a baseball stadium instead. Baseball’s e ect on the city’s broader economic landscape, in that scenario, would be negligible.
“Sports are pretty good at shifting around money, they’re just not great at increasing total economic activity,” Matheson said.
Another issue with professional sports is that often a significant amount of the money spent on teams doesn’t stay in the city it’s spent in. Money spent on player salaries, for instance, may end up leaving Portland.
“Portland needs Major League Baseball much less than Major League Baseball needs Portland.”
Taken as a whole, the economic data cuts against several elements of the Portland Diamond Project’s vision—including pledges to “create good jobs and new economic opportunities” and “provide a catalyst for workforce housing around the ballpark.”
—Jules Boyko , professor of political science
There are a number of reasons why sports don’t have the kind of economic impact their boosters and allied politicians often predict they’ll have.
For one, much of the money spent in and around sports venues comes as part of what economists call the substitution e ect: it’s not additional money that is being spent at a stadium, but rather money that would otherwise be spent elsewhere in the city.
In Portland, that could mean that some of the people currently spending money at Providence Park or the Moda Center, or at concerts or restaurants, might spend
Of course, the impact of sports on a city cannot be fully measured in terms of their direct economic impact.
Sports are also wellsprings of feeling, helping to create bonds between people and contributing to a city’s quality of life.
Economists, undaunted, have also attempted to measure the a ective value of professional sports teams by asking people what dollar value they place on having a team in their town. Those studies have generally found that while the “quality of life” value of teams to residents is worth tens of millions of dollars, it’s still often worth less than the amount those teams are subsidized.
The question of subsidies for profes -
sional sports teams is made even more complicated by the fact that Major League Baseball owners are necessarily incredibly wealthy and that the league is an incredibly lucrative operation—raking in more than $11 billion in revenue last year.
Now, with the league reportedly considering expansion to 32 teams, Portland could potentially help it extend that record number further. Though the city has popular basketball and soccer teams, it remains one of the largest metro areas in the country with teams in just one of the traditional big four sports leagues—the NFL, MLB, NBA, and NHL.
A team in Portland would also be a natural rival of the Seattle Mariners, who long ago proved the viability of baseball in the Northwest. Matheson said he thinks baseball would succeed in Portland, even if the on-field odds would be stacked against what would be a small market team in a league with effectively no salary cap restrictions.
Jules Boyko , a professor of political science at Pacific University, said Portlanders should have an opportunity to weigh in directly on whether they want to see MLB in their city.
“I think there’d be one surefire way of finding out, which would be to have a public referendum — especially if the owners, who are wealthy… wish to have any public money put towards the project,” Boykoff said. “I think it would be job number one to make sure that it arrives on the ballot.”
Boykoff said he’d be happy to see baseball in the city, but that, unlike social goods like housing, it cannot be construed as something Portland needs.
“Portland needs Major League Baseball much less than Major League Baseball needs Portland,” Boykoff said. “I think Portland’s reputation is doing just fine without a baseball team.”
A rendering of the proposed Portland Diamond Project baseball stadium.
Street View: Gravel in the Bike Lane
PBOT’s maintenance woes aren’t just a problem for people who travel by car.
BY TAYLOR GRIGGS
In the bike-friendly cities of Northern Europe, a phrase is sometimes used to lightly chastise those who are intimidated to cycle in the rain: “You’re not made of sugar.” That is, you can get a little wet—you won’t melt.
But not all rainy cities are created equal. The “sugar” sentiment is easier applied in places like the Netherlands and Denmark, where people on bikes dominate the streets all year long, even in the cold, wet months. The bike capitals of the world, many of which are hardly tropical paradises, were purposefully designed to treat people traveling outside of cars as worthy of quality amenities. And a lot of that comes down to the state of the pavement.
Here in Portland, our streets—including the bike lanes—could (surprise!) use some work. The Portland Bureau of Transportation (PBOT) has a roughly $6 billion maintenance backlog, mainly consisting of unmet pavement needs on busy and local streets, which has failed to be adequately tempered by funding sources like the gas tax. And as Portland’s street maintenance needs have become more apparent, gripes about PBOT’s priorities have gotten louder.
economists. It’s a talking point that’s parroted by people who should know better, too. One example: A questionnaire to 2024 City Council candidates written by reporters at the Oregonian and OPB asks people
to decide whether to prioritize “creation of more protected bike lanes and priority bus lanes or improved surfacing of existing degraded driving lanes.”
who use them—are frivolous compared to the potholes car drivers have to deal with. But even stranger is the implication that people who bike, walk, or use public transit aren’t impacted by the city’s street maintenance problems. In fact, those who get around without a car often face the brunt of PBOT’s maintenance backlog woes, especially during the winter.
Take the ubiquitous bike lane puddles. These puddles proliferate during the late fall and early winter, after most of the autumn leaves are o the trees and clogging up the gutters. Unfortunate topography and storm drain placement has resulted in some puddles that remain landmarks on Portland’s streets all winter, like the notorious “Lake Blumenauer” on the north side of the car-free Blumenauer Bridge across I-84. These puddles might not seem like a big deal, but believe me when I tell you that riding through one of them can temporarily make you question your will to live. Fenders and rain pants can only do so much to protect you from six inches of grimy water and whatever might be floating in it.
bles end up piled in the bike lanes, creating treacherous conditions for riders, and they often stay there for weeks or months.
I can give the city some grace: PBOT has $6 billion of maintenance work on its hands, so it makes sense that some needs fall to the wayside. This would be a more acceptable situation to me if the proliferating narrative wasn’t that bike riders are preventing the city from getting its basic maintenance work done.
The truth is that bike advocates are some of the most dedicated street maintenance wonks in the game, often taking the responsibility of keeping the streets clean into their own hands. After January’s ice storm, members of bike advocacy group BikeLoud PDX took to the streets with a bike lane-size sweeper, picking up an impressive amount of gravel in the process.
More recently, PBOT has said it will purchase a sweeper for protected bike lanes, as larger street sweepers are too big to do the job. This is a good step, but the sheer novelty of it indicates how far behind we are from some of our international bike city peers.
“There are potholes everywhere, and PBOT wants to build a new bike lane?” is the common refrain from armchair urban
The implication contained in this false dichotomy is that protected bike lanes and priority bus lanes—and the people
Then there’s the gravel. After major winter weather events, like the ice storm early this year, PBOT spreads gravel and road salt on the roadways so vehicle tra c can get by. That’s fine, but after the ice melts, tiny peb-
So, no—we’re not made of sugar, and Portland’s rainy and cold winter weather is not necessarily prohibitive to mass adoption of biking as transportation. But we have quite a bit of work to do to get to where we need to go. However, though the road ahead is lined with gravel, we are armed with volunteer street sweepers. ■
A bike lane-size gravel sweeper. NIC COTA
RICKY PEE PEE
Portland’s Top Holiday Events: A Critical Review
The best traditional events—and how they can be improved. You’re welcome.
BY WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY
When it comes to holiday traditions, Portland is horny as all get-out. We love cramming as much festivity into our festivities as possible—regardless of how tiresome or long-in-the-tooth those annual events have become. What follows is a critical examination of Portland’s most time-honored holiday events, and my recommendations on how they can be improved. (Don’t remember asking me for my opinion? Trust me, it’s never necessary… I have so many! In fact, when it comes to opinions, many people think I’m “full of it.” And there’s a lot more where those came from, so let’s read some now!)
the holiday season the street is jam-packed with thousands of looky-loos on foot and in cars.
The problem: I don’t get it. I mean, I get why the residents do it… you can tell they’ve worked their collective asses off constructing these front lawn art installations, and some (for example, the Grinch house) are goddamn masterpieces. But it’s like if the Portland Art Museum was suddenly filled with thousands of people— including their dogs, snot-nosed kids, and wildly inappropriate double strollers— half of whom are either stoned out of their gourds or 10 seconds away from a rage-fueled meltdown. In short, there are… Too.
Many. People!
PEACOCK LANE
Description: Peacock Lane is a four-block stretch in Southeast Portland between Stark and Belmont, where many of the home owners go to great lengths to cram every inch of their property with lights and other Jesus and Santa-themed ephemera. During
The solution: A zip line. It’s a well accepted fact that zip lines improve most situations. Sure, they’re useful for getting from one side of a canyon to another, or traversing a tree canopy in Guatemala, but they can be just as useful in an urban environment! Las Vegas is famous for having a zip line that goes from one end of the historic Fremont Street to the other, and it’s a FANTASTIC way to see the sights quickly, e ciently, and to let your vomit rain down upon spandex-wearing moms who did not get the memo that it’s FUCKING RUDE to bring their double strollers to a place where thousands
of people are trying to walk. Also if you happen to be high—and SO MANY OF YOU ARE—riding a zip line is AH-MAY-ZING, and will stop you from blocking the sidewalk whenever you slip into an extended Christmas light-induced trance. Trust me, install a zip line over Peacock Lane, charge $15 a ride, and the city’s budget will be funded for lifetimes.
Peacock Lane, between SE Stark & Belmont, Dec 15-31, car-free nights Dec 15 & 16, 6 pm-11 pm, free, keep your fucking double strollers at home
WINTER WONDERLAND: HOLIDAY LIGHTS AT PORTLAND
INTERNATIONAL RACEWAY
Description: Roughly two miles of racetrack decorated with various illuminated and animated holiday figures, including reindeer, snowboarding Santas, dinosaurs, all 12 days of Christmas, a lone menorah, and much more.
The problem: Well, the most obvious problem is that you can’t race. You creep around the track behind a long line of vehicles at around 10 mph—but actually that’s kind of nice, because you seriously do not want to miss the animated dinosaurs. All in all, it’s great… it just needs a couple more levels of excitement, which leads me to….
The solution: First, you could pay teenagers to dress up like the Terminator, wrap them in holiday lights, and have them chase the cars on foot. (I doubt you’d even have to pay them.) OR you could do what I’ve done every season for the past 10 years, which is LET YOUR CHILDREN DRIVE THE CAR! The moment I pay admission and enter the track, I say, “Okay… who’s driv -
ing?” The first five minutes are taken up by backseat fistfights to see who gets to drive first. Once that’s decided, they hop behind the steering wheel. Obviously if their feet can’t reach the pedals, you should let them sit in your lap—but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES do you EVER touch the steering wheel… because where’s the fun in that? They have to learn to drive somehow, and if that means occasionally careening o the track and into one of the 10 lords a’leaping (for his life), then so be it. The best part? There’s not a cop in sight. That’s a true “winter wonderland!”
Portland International Raceway, 1940 N Victory Blvd, Nov 29-Dec 31, Mon-Thurs 5 pm-10 pm, Fri-Sun 4:30 pm-11 pm, $49 per carload
THE 33rd ANNUAL TUBA CHRISTMAS CONCERT
Description: More than 200 tubas take to Pioneer Square to play an array of oompah-rific Christmas songs.
The problem: There is not a single problem with this.
The solution: Look, hearing 200 tubas blaring “Sleigh Ride” across the city is hard to beat. But anything can be improved, right? For example, what if all these tubas were playing “Holly Jolly Christmas,” when suddenly, marching up Sixth Avenue were 200 people playing Christmas songs on what’s known as the tuba’s natural enemy… the saxophone? Ooooooh, tuba players HATE saxophonists, and for good reason. They tend to be morally repugnant individuals who throw their dog’s poop bags into your recycling bin, and regularly destroy any decent song with their ceaseless and
Peacock Lane
Tuba Christmas Concert
PIR’s Winter Wonderland
ELIZA SOHN
K. MARIE
unasked-for squawking (take David Bow ie’s “Young Americans” for example). Anyway, the 200 saxophonists would call the 200 tubaists into the street for a “Christmas song smack-down” to settle once and for all which is the superior instrument. (We all know it’s the tuba, but there’s no convincing these detestable saxophoneys.) The winners would continue the Pioneer Square concert, as the losers marched to the Morrison Bridge to throw their instruments into the murky depths of the Willamette—never to play again! It’s called “raising the stakes”—and there’s simply not enough of that at Christmas time.
Tuba Christmas Concert, Pioneer Courthouse Square, Sat Dec 21, 1:30 pm, free
THE HOLIDAY EXPRESS
Description: The Holiday Express is a vintage (TOOT! TOOOOOOT!) 1912 Polson #2 steam locomotive that transports kids and families from the Oregon Rail Heritage Center—porn for train nerds—and along the Willamette River for roughly a couple miles until returning to its starting point. Each train car is heated and decorated in lights and holiday finery, and… at some point… Santa shows up!
The problem: Mmmmm… other than Santa showing up, it’s kinda boring? (Unless you’re a train nerd, but you’re going to be too busy asking endless, arcane locomotive questions to the conductor—whose soul will leave their body—to be concerned about Santa.)
The solution: Can we PLEASE get a gang of cowboys on horses to rob this muthafukkin’ TRAIN?? Bear with me, and picture it: The holiday train is chugga-chugga-choo-chooin’ and toot-toot-tootin’ down the track without a care in the world… UNTIL
Out of the Oaks Bottom wetlands come a gang of ruthless, horse-riding villains who gallop down the bike path before hopping on the train, kicking the door open, and barking, “Git yer hands up, varmints!” Screams ring out from the train car as some
passengers faint, and a couple of foolhar dy “heroes” get a pistol butt to the noggin for their trouble. The bandits steal wallets, watches, necklaces, and other precious family heirlooms, cackling maniacally… UNTIL
A loud bump is heard on the roof, and seconds later, a window smashes as SANTA CLAUS comes bursting into the car! Slowly rising to his feet, Santa strikes a pose and says, “Looks like somebody’s getting added to the naughty list!” And with a mighty swing of his red bag, Santa bowls over three of the villains, delivers a sharp uppercut to another, and sends a fifth tumbling off the train with a vicious kick to the scrabble bag… UNTIL.
The ringleader grabs a crying child, puts a six-shooter to its little head, and growls, “One more step, Santy Claus, and I’ll send this li’l pecker-wood to the pearly gates!”
A pause, as everyone in the train car holds their breath, tears streaming down the child’s face, and where the only sound is the repetitive clack-clack-clack of the train’s wheels.
Slowly, Santa drops his bag, and says, “Well, Desperado Dan”—a stupid name for a stupid criminal—”I guess this is my last… STOP!” Santa yanks the “stop requested” cord hanging from the window, sending the train screeching to an ear-piercing halt, as Desperado Dan stumbles and falls, dropping both child and pistol. Santa quickly pulls the kid to safety, and with a devastating right hook, sends the villain into a coma, from which he will never awaken. The children and adults cheer as Santa throws the unconscious body from the train before turning to ask, “Now who here has a hankerin’ for a candy cane?”
The train’s occupants rejoice, and for the first time since the debut of the Holiday Express, it was a train ride—and a Christmas—to remember.
Holiday Express, Oregon Rail Heritage Center, 2250 SE Water, Nov 29-January 4, various times, $25-$105, orhf.org/trainrides/holiday-express ■
The Holiday Express (also pictured, bandit)
OREGON RAIL HERITAGE CENTER
Let’s Start Things! Let’s End Things!
A witch, an artist, and two mental health professionals on how to face the New Year.
BY HR SMITH
The days are short, the rain is acting like someone put out a casting call for a vertical river, and odds are high that you will soon be eating starchy food with people who will be asking you what it is, exactly, that you’ve been doing with your life.
One way of dealing with this long dark night of the soul is to lean into it. What are you doing, exactly? What’s working? What isn’t working? Once the holiday presents are gotten and the festivities are over, what would you like to start doing, what would you like to stop doing, and how?
These questions are big enough that entire categories of human philosophy and endeavor have been dedicated to answering them. To keep things simple, the Mercury decided to ask representatives of three of them: the arts, psychology, and witchcraft.
How to End Something
That Isn’t Working
Being miserable is, by definition, not a fun experience. But it can be a very useful signal that it’s time to try something else. “I’m pathologically incapable of doing a job I don’t like,” says Sarah “Shay” Mirk, graphic novelist, former Mercury reporter, and creator of many projects—most recently Crucial Comix, a small press that publishes narrative nonfiction comics and o ers classes on comics-making. ”If a project is filling me with dread and I hate doing it, that’s a sign that I should either get out and have somebody else do it, or just be like, never again.”
Once you’ve accepted that you need to get out of something, it’s a good strategy to frame it as moving towards something good rather than getting the hell away from something bad, says Marie Soller, a psychiatrist and director of OHSU’s resident and faculty wellness program. In general, you’re more likely to trust a decision and follow through with it if you can, say, visualize yourself taking that time you spent trying to make a relationship work, and dedicating it to putting on ridiculous outfits and going out with friends instead.
Some sadness is going to be part of the deal. Feel free to lean into big rainy season feelings. “Anything that’s new has to start from something that has ended,” says Annette Smith, a licensed professional counselor whose practice focuses on people going through major life transitions. A lot of people can get really stuck in the transition phase following a big change when things stop feeling exciting and start to feel weird. Giving yourself time to grieve, says Smith, can help get through that.
Therapy is a tool that’s useful for the nuts and bolts of life, says Michelle Tea, writer and author of Modern Magic: Stories, Rituals, and Spells for Contemporary Witches “I love therapy, and therapy can be so helpful—to be witnessed and validated and get
outside eyes on patterns and things that you can’t see.” Tea recommends witchcraft as a therapy supplement. “It’s more esoteric. If you’ve had a rough therapy session, it can feel very grounding to just remind yourself that you’re also a little animal on this earth, connected to the larger forces.”
The world is full of long, witchy tradition, but Tea recommends a punk, DIY approach instead of trying to be fussy and precise— think of something that feels like an ending and do it. “Rituals that have a lot of tradition can be really powerful, because they have all that compounded energy of so many people taking this action,” says Tea. “But I also feel like those rituals were just started by a regular person like you.”
and who you can be accountable to. This can be tough, she adds. But don’t do it, and you wind up dumping on one or two people.
How to Start Something New
“It’s very easy to be, like, ‘I’m excited about this’,” says Shay Mirk. “One way that I try to actually get stuff done is by making projects collaborative. If I’m responsible to somebody else, I’m way more likely to do something.”
Annette Smith agrees that trying something new is easier when you aren’t trying to do it in isolation—and recommends you have a variety of people in your life who can support you
Marie Soller recommends drawing a classic pro/con quadrant—basically, a big plus sign with the pros and cons of each side of a decision—when you’re making a decision, and then focusing on the “pros” of the decision you choose. Keeping a list of your five most important values can also be a useful tool, Soller says. When you hit a rough patch, you can, for example, return to it so that present-self can see that past-self wrote down “adventure” as a value, and that is definitely what you’re having.
“I like to write down my intentions,” says Tea, sounding very therapist-like. “Whether you’re letting go of something, or whether you’re beginning some -
thing.” From there, you can seal it up and leave it somewhere that you’ll see it and be reminded. “Your bedside table is great, because it is a place that you see all the time. I feel like sleep is a really magical time when we’re processing things on a deeper level of subconscious.”
The joke about New Year’s resolutions is that nobody keeps them, says Tea. But there’s something to moments like these. “I feel like you can sort of channel that collective energy of optimism and fresh start and get a little jump on something that you’re wanting to change,” Tea adds. The more “woo” aspects of a whole new year are only an asset under these circumstances. “For me, magic is that we don’t know what we are, we don’t know what this planet is, we don’t know anything,” adds Tea. “Staying in touch with that mystery is actually quite grounding and also liberating.” ■
SAMANTHA BUTTRICK
SAMANTHA BUTTRICK
SAMANTHA BUTTRICK
1ST
Holidays For Humans
Or, what to say when Aunt Barbara insults your Thanksgiving gravy
BY COURTENAY HAMEISTER
BETH JENSEN
Back in the olden times, I used to host a public radio show that recorded in front of a live audience.
In December of 2011, we decided to do a segment about how to survive the holidays with your family. We brought on Shelley McLendon, a therapist who is also a brilliant comedian and friend, along with my funny, tiny, holiday-elf-like mother to do a little experiment.
We set up a table where I could make my mom’s famous chocolate peanut butter balls with my mother on one side of me and Shelley on the other. At one point, when my mother was telling me how to make the peanut butter mixture into balls (something I’d been doing myself for years and KNEW HOW TO DO BECAUSE DUH), I asked Shelley what we could say to family members who won’t allow us to create our own versions of family traditions.
Shelley replied with an oft-repeated phrase among the show sta in the ensuing years: “Isn’t it great that there are so many different ways to do things?”
the right way and the wrong way.”
The audience went feral on me, laughing and whooping for so long that all I could do was stand onstage as the peanut butter ball in my palm turned into a sticky puddle. My mother had roasted me like a Thanksgiving turkey on my own goddamn show and I still bear the emotional scars.
Most people don’t have PTSD about their mother scorched-earthing them in front of 600 people during the holidays, but many, many di erent emotional issues can come up during the season.
Whatever you’re going through, I spoke to two Portland therapists who specialize in family dynamics to procure some holiday coping mechanisms to help get us all through.
Most of us don’t feel provoked because we think others are going to physically hurt us, we’re afraid they’re going to say or do something that will make us feel awkward, angry, embarrassed, or ostracized. Essentially, unsafe.
The audience laughed. I repeated the phrase to my mother.
“Y’know what I was just thinking, mom? That it’s really great that there are so many ways to do things.”
“There are,” my mother replied. “There’s
One psychologist I spoke to was Wayne Scott, MA, LCSW, a marriage and family therapist.
The first thing we talked about was how we deal with emotional triggers in interpersonal environments. Most of us don’t feel provoked because we think others are going to physically hurt us, we’re afraid they’re going to say or do something that will make us feel awkward, angry, embarrassed, or ostracized. Essentially, unsafe.
That anxious feeling you get? It’s called a threat response.
The Holiday Threat Response, Illustrated
Imagine you’re stirring the gravy on Thanksgiving day and your aunt Barbara approaches you, lit Virginia Slim in hand.
“Oh. You’re cooking the gravy?” she asks.
“Yeah,” you reply. “I thought I’d try it this year. Ina Garten has this recipe that looked so delic—“
“—you chose THANKSGIVING to try a new gravy recipe,” she responds. “What were you thinking? You have a house full of people!”
And you go and hyperventilate in the pantry. Why can family immediately make us feel this way?
I’ve heard one reason I tend to believe. Our family knows how to push our buttons because they installed them.
But knowing why we’re upset isn’t as important as knowing how to deal with it.
I asked Wayne Scott what he thought about this.
“That’s your autonomic nervous system,” he said. “It’s programmed to respond reactively the moment we feel we’re being threatened in any way—emotionally or physically—so we can’t control it. Unless we train it.”
Scott suggests that before the holidays, to think about what activates our threat responses and create strategies to avoid them before they happen.
Just a few of his ideas:
Ask for what you need: In this case, you could send an email to the family letting them know you’re trying something new this year and it might not turn out perfectly, but the holidays are really about togetherness, so they should support you in your freakin’
gravy journey, BARBARA.
Another great way to get family members on board is to ask for their help/ideas in integrating new traditions ahead of time. If you include them in the conversation, they’re much more likely to buy in.
Neutralize the threat: One thing that tends to catch aggressive people o guard is to call them on their aggression. Something like, “Wow, Barb. That made me feel like crawling into a little ball under the sink. What was your intention with that comment?”
Or, if addressing the problem overtly causes you to feel more triggered, Scott suggests trying self-talk.
“Something like, ‘There goes [Barb] again, invalidating my reality,’” he suggests. “Or simply exiting the conversation or even going outside to do some deep breathing.”
Don’t engage in the first place: Of course it’s di cult, but there’s also the choice not to go at all. If the discomfort outweighs the joy for you, it may be time to simply bow out or—a slightly less nuclear option—to give family members a time parameter like, “I have another party to attend at six, so I can only stay for a couple hours.” This serves the purpose of setting healthy boundaries with your family and making it appear you’re more popular than you actually are.
When you choose to disengage
The last two options were also suggested by Joan Laguzza, LCSW, a mental health therapist who works with many folks who are estranged from their families and are now used to spending the holidays on their own. She suggests that in the same way people prepare themselves mentally to be with
problematic family members, people should prepare themselves when they’re going to be on their own. You don’t want the holidays to sneak up on you without a plan. Just a few ideas Laguzza suggests:
Create distractions: The holidays are often about community—family, friends, church. So lean on yours.
“Go out in the world and be in community with other people,” she says. “Volunteer. Plan a ‘Friendsgiving.’ Arrange for a call with a friend or family member.”
Don’t have a community? Be a good friend to yourself and make a plan so you don’t have downtime to marinate in a family-sized tub of Comparison Sauce. Comparison is truly the thief of joy and there is no time of year that we compare our lives to others’ more than the holidays. So don’t give yourself the opportunity to ruminate.
“Go see a movie, go to a restaurant you love, read a book,” Laguzza suggests.
Stay the hell o social media: This is good advice for everyone, all the time, but especially during the holidays. Countless studies show that we are made more anxious, more lonely, and more depressed after a trip down a Meta rabbit hole, no matter the time of year. But during the holidays, we’re more aware than ever of what our family looks like because we compare it to every movie, holiday special, and Fred Meyer ad that tells us the holidays are all about “togetherness.” So your friends and family will only post photos that mirror those depictions.
her and silently wish her some good cheer for the holiday.”
This sounded counterintuitive and even di cult when she first suggested it. Still, it ultimately reminded me of a beautiful quote that’s often (but wrongly) attributed to the Buddha that a friend once quoted at just the right time: “In the end, only three things matter: how much I loved, how gently I lived, and how gracefully I let go of the things not meant for me.” I can’t think of a better way to spend a few holiday moments than by o ering some grace and forgiveness to friends or family members we’re struggling to continue to love.
Finally, making the holidays actually bright
Be a good friend to yourself and make a plan so you don’t have downtime to marinate in a family-sized tub of Comparison Sauce.
Whether you’re spending time with family or without, beware of holding too tightly to traditions. Or at the very least, attempt to parse out which traditions you love, and which you’re struggling to keep because you’re trying to meet other people’s expectations. Traditions can be a strange trap, because they’re what makes the holidays joyful and nostalgic, but they can also cause tension.
“Holiday traditions always imply that you have money,” Scott suggests. “The tree, the food, the gift extravaganza. But we don’t bring that up because, like politics, there’s this agreement that we don’t talk about this thing that is very visibly in the room.”
The only media depiction of a holiday that’s gotten close to reality for many of us was “Fishes,” the Christmas episode of The Bear that included a terrifyingly chaotic kitchen, flying forks at the dinner table, and an emotionally vampiric, drunken mother accidentally driving her car through her own house.* There’s no way, after that Christmas, the Berzatto family posted pics of a fork in Uncle Lee’s forehead or Donna with smashed drywall all over her rich Corinthian leather seats.
“Social media is totally unreliable,” Laguzza says. “When there’s an estrangement, each person develops an inaccurate narrative about what’s going on in the other person’s life. Social media just feeds that narrative.”
Two apps that are great for blocking social media sites are Freedom and Opal. They make a great holiday gift!
Plan to honor those who aren’t around: While making your holiday plans, consider a way to pay tribute to those family members you’re estranged from. Whether they’re not speaking to you or you’ve chosen to take some space from them, you can still honor the a ection you once had for them and may again.
“If your estranged mother loves dahlias, put some on the table Thanksgiving day,” Laguzza suggests. “If you’re with a sibling, you can plan to make your mother’s pumpkin pie together, or play a piece of music that meant something to her—have a thought for
As you’re navigating these waters—trying to turn the holidays into a season that doesn’t stress the fuck out of you and empty your bank account—remember the reason people get defensive when you try to make new traditions.
“They’ve studied the human threat response, and one of the biggest threats is the threat of not belonging,” Scott says. “The holidays, to get down to the meat of it, are about feeling connected in the world. Feeling like you’ve got some mooring. Like you have people who have got your back.”
So tread lightly, but know that you shouldn’t have to compromise your own mental health to make other people happy.
And remember that, if you’re a person being driven nuts by the fact that you have all this activity and all these people swirling around you during the holidays, you may have friends being driven nuts by the fact that they don’t. So if you know someone you feel could use the company, invite them over for the holiday. They’ll probably say no, but it makes a huge di erence to know that you actually have a place you could go if you wanted to. A huge di erence to feel wanted. To feel like you belong.
Happy holidays.
*For the record, my mother is neither emotionally vampiric nor drunken, but she did actually drive her car through the back wall of her garage once. I attribute it more to the famously bad “Hameister Sense of Direction” than anything else. I think she just saw it as the most direct route to the backyard. ■
Gi Guide
New Deal Nocino Liqueur
This traditional Italian digestif is made from an in-house infusion of black & English walnuts foraged throughout the Portland area in late June. Green walnuts are infused in house-distilled neutral spirits & sweetened with organic cane sugar. Clove, cinnamon, & nutmeg are added to round out the infusion. A delicious after-dinner sipper that can be enjoyed neat or on the rocks with a citrus twist.
New Deal Distillery & Bottle Shop | 900 SE Salmon St | 503-234-2513
Bricks & Minifigs Portland Gift Card
Bricks & Minifigs Portland is your one-stop-shop for everything LEGO® - we have new sets, used sets, retired sets, minifigures and bulk tables full of random pieces for your next amazing creation! Stop by the store, shop online, or call us today - we are here to help!
Calling all cat lovers! This 12-month wall calendar showcases a di erent fur-tastic feline photo each month. All featured cats and kittens were adopted from Cat Adoption Team (CAT), a local nonprofit cat shelter. $20 each; your purchase supports CAT’s programs and services for cats, kittens, and people in our community. Love cats. Do good. Support local.
To celebrate when Beatlemania exploded across the U.S. in 1964, seven Beatles albums plus the narrative biography The Beatles’ Story have been collected for a spectacular new Mono vinyl box set. Included in this release are Meet The Beatles!; The Beatles’ Second Album; A Hard Day’s Night; Something New; Beatles ’65; and The Early Beatles.
Everyday Music | 1313 W Burnside | 503-274-0961 | www.everydaymusic.com
Hand thrown & sculpted studio ceramics abound!
14 original creators making everything from lamps to pots to presents! Uniquely pdx & always one of a kind ! Easy gifting from $10-$100!
#QuitTheClick • Come shop 54 Small • Local • Sustainable • Businesses ! 1005 SE Grand Ave | urbanitepdx.com @URBANITEPDX
White Bird Dance Flight Subscription $99
Choose any 3 performances from the 6 remaining world-class dance companies in our season to create a subscription uniquely tailored to your tastes. For just $99 per flight, you’ll save 29-39%—a perfect way to add culture to your social calendar and lift your spirits through the winter months. Give the gift of dance or treat yourself— secure your package now at WhiteBird.org/Subscribe or call (503) 245-1600!
Martha Graham Dance Company January 22
Les Ballets Trockadero De Monte Carlo February 12
Noche Flamenca Feb 26-27 | ChangMu Dance Company March 19
RUBBERBAND April 3-5 | Grupo Corpo April 30
Gi Guide
New Deal Spiced Pear Liqueur
Like our award-winning Pear Brandy, Spiced Pear Liqueur is made from Oregon-grown Bartlett pears from Pereday Orchard in the Gorge. We took that fresh, deliciously aromatic Pear Brandy profile & built a richly spiced liqueur. The result is an absolutely divine liqueur, made for adding a dose of depth to all your fall & holiday cocktails and perfect for building layered flavor in tropical drinks.
New Deal Distillery & Bottle Shop | 900 SE Salmon St | 503-234-2513
Give the Gift of Local CHEESE!
A carefully selected array of more than a dozen cheeses and accompaniments to give to the cheese lover in your life, or use to create a cheese board that slays! Pickup is Dec. 19 & 20 from several locations statewide. Oregon Cheese for the Holidays tasting kits are at www.thewedgeportland.com
Sewing class
gift certificate
$25+
Give the gift of sewing this holiday season! Sincere Studio is Portland’s only non-profit community sewing studio and we o er a variety of classes for all skill levels. Orders placed before December 13 can opt to receive a physical certificate by mail at no extra cost.
Portland Art Museum Gift Memberships
Connect, reflect, and be inspired—all while supporting the arts in our community. Membership includes FREE Museum admission and access to all things Museum and PAM CUT: special exhibitions, member events, ongoing programs, lectures, artist talks, camps, classes, film screenings, happenings at the Tomorrow Theater, and more! Get $10 o a membership with code GIFT24M
Portland Art Museum | 1219 SW Park Ave. | 503-276-4249
3 Shows for
$150
at Portland Center Stage
This holiday season, gift an unforgettable experience, perfect for theater lovers or anyone craving inspiration, joy, and connection on stage. From iconic classics like the world premiere of Kamilah Bush’s The Importance of Being Earnest to bold new works like Chicago playwright Loy A Webb’s The Light, there’s something for everyone. Give the gift of live performance—because memories are the best presents! (photo by Jingzi Zhao)
Portland Center Stage | 128 NW 11th Ave, Portland, OR 97209 | 503-445-3700 pcs.org
Exclusive Pre-Launch Spa Passes: Relax, Renew, and Support Your Community
Pre-purchase spa passes at St. Johns women’s-only spa and support a Kickstarter that’s all about self care. By contributing, you’ll enjoy steeply discounted passes, from single visits to year-long memberships. Guests can unwind with a hot tub, solarium lounge, yoga, cold plunge, DIY facials, & sauna during a 4-hour stay at this intimate neighborhood retreat. Get in early before prices rise!
St. Johns Spa | www.sjwospa.com
Sincere Studio | 2636 NE Sandy Blvd, Portland OR | sincerestudiopdx.org
*photo may not reflect exact contents
Gi Guide
Organic Cotton Underwear
Organic cotton underwear made right here in Portland. The ultimate wedgie free undies designed for comfort and made to last. We custom mill our delightfully soft fabric in LA and partner with artists from all over to design or dye our prints. Sustainable, ethical, local, and unique: nothing says ‘with love from Portland’ like Thunderpants.
Thunderpants USA | info@thunderpantsusa.com | www.thunderpantsusa.com
Give a Brick Today! $150
Gift the Gift of Tranquility - Dragontree Gift Card
$25+
Treat your loved ones to the ultimate in relaxation with a Dragontree Gift Card. Whether they need a luxurious massage, personalized skincare, or holistic Ayurvedic treatments, this gift promises a day out of time filled with serenity and rejuvenation.
Visit us at 2768 NW Thurman St, Portland. Call 503.221.4123 or shop online at thedragontree.com.
This holiday season join the over 85,000 Portlanders who own a piece of our city’s living room. Buy a personalized brick in Pioneer Courthouse Square. Gift wrapping available!
thesquarepdx.org | 503.223.1613
Holidays with Dava!
A handmade jewelry gift or a jewelry-making class at Dava Bead is a unique holiday surprise! Crafting jewelry allows you to design personalized pieces that reflect your loved one’s style. A class at Dava Bead adds an experiential twist, giving the gift of creativity and memorable moments. Whether it’s crafting earrings, necklaces, or bracelets, the result is beautiful, wearable art. This gift stands out with its personal touch and lasting value, making it perfect for the holiday season.
Gift the beauty of the Pacific Northwest with Stone Anvil’s 18-karat gold Cedar Branch earrings. These exquisite earrings capture the intricate details of western red cedar branches, handcrafted to perfection in solid gold. They’re a stunning blend of elegance and natural inspiration, making them a timeless addition to any nature lover’s collection. Available at www.stoneanviljewelry.com
www.stoneanviljewelry.com
3 Month Unlimited Membership $350 ($480 value)
Give the gift of community, healing, giggles, and SWEAT, with our 3 Month Unlimited Membership. Does mom complain about her lower back pain? Give her hot yoga! Does brother struggle with sciatica? Give him hot yoga! Dealing with anxiety and depressing? Give yourself hot yoga! Membership includes unlimited classes all month + mat and towel rentals. Classes 7 days a week - Beginner friendly!
Mija Hot Yoga | 7025 N Lombard St. Suite 200 | mijahotyoga.com (503) 610-8565 | mijahotyoga@gmail.com
Gi Guide
Gift the Power of Intention - 2025 Dreambook + Planner
$48
Empower your loved ones to bring their dreams to life with the 2025 Dreambook + Planner. This beautifully designed planner combines goal-setting, reflection, and weekly alignment tools to help them manifest their vision for the year. Perfect for anyone looking to live with purpose and clarity.
Available at thedragontree.com or for local pickup at our spa at 2768 NW Thurman St, Portland.
Romp Pop
$45
Give the gift of incredible pleasure with the Romp Pop! This toy is a high-frequency clitoral stimulator. It comes with two interchangeable heads; one for pin-point precision and the other for flirty flickering sensations. The Pop features 3 vibrations, 3 patterns, plus a waterproof and rechargeable design. This toy is sure to satisfy.
She Bop
909 N Beech St / 3213 SE Division St, www.sheboptheshop.com
Keia & Martyn’s Magic Dust Instant Coffee
$20
Enjoy locally roasted specialty co ee on the go with Magic Dust instant co ee! Instantly satisfying co ee for people that love good co ee, but don’t always have time to prepare it. With four co ees to choose from (African, Latin, 4-Track Blend, and Decaf) and ten servings per tin, it makes the perfect stocking stu er for any person in your life (including you). It’s a camping thing, a travel thing, a busy thing, and a gifting thing. Because everyone deserves goodness!
keiaandmartynscoffee.com | Lloyd Center Mall 2nd Floor Above the Ice Rink info@keiaandmartynscoffee.com
Moonlight Serenade Nano Cannabinoid Cannabis Edibles for Sleep
This season give the gift of a great night’s sleep! A restful nights sleep (or lack thereof) a ects every aspect of our lives. We have formulated our deliciously potent MOONLIGHT SERENADE THC|CBD|CBN edibles to be the most e ective cannabis sleep aid available. Our strain specific, time release nano-cannabinoid process provides long lasting e ects starting in about 15 minutes to help you fall asleep, stay asleep and wake refreshed. Voted best CBN edible 2 years running by Oregon Leaf Bowl. Welcome to the new science of sleep. Sweet Dreams! Available at all Nectar, Chalice, Kaleafa, Smooth Roots and many other fine
Give the Gift of a Cruise!
Delight your loved ones with the gift of lasting memories on the water — Portland Spirit o ers brunch, lunch, and dinner cruises year-round, as well as summertime happy hour cruises and jetboat excursions to the Columbia River Gorge. Gift cards are available in any denomination and can be delivered instantly to the recipient via email.
Portland Spirit Cruises & Events | 110 SE Caruthers Street | 503-224-3900 portlandspirit.com
Oregon Weed
Buy your loved one the perfect gift this holiday season, weed! Connect with your friends and family over a piney nug or two from some of Oregon’s finest farms. Mongoose Cannabis has great options for everyone from the serious canna-lover to the canna-curious person in your life! Mongoose Cannabis Co. 3123 SE Belmont St | (541) 933-8032 mongoosecannabis.com
Gi Guide
Tickets to The Moth Mainstage
$25–$90 + ticket fees
A holiday tradition for many, The Moth Mainstage is the best of the best of live storytelling. The Mainstage is the quintessential Moth experience, a two-act show featuring a musical act, where the storytellers and a notable host share true personal stories, without notes. Experience true stories live as they’re recorded for future episodes of The Moth Podcast and Moth Radio Hour. Presented by Literary Arts. Tickets online through Literary Arts: literary-arts.org
REBUILDING CENTER DIY CLASS GIFT CARD DEAL
Give the gift of DIY know-how - and SAVE! Gift cards to ReBuilding Center DIY classes are 10% o using code MERCURY10 until the end of the year!. ReBuilding Center empowers Portlanders to Do It Yourself - through fun skills-based classes in woodworking, electrical, plumbing, and more using reclaimed materials! Craft a cutting board, learn how to wield power tools, build a lamp, & more!
ReBuilding Center | 3625 N Mississippi Ave | rebuildingcenter.org www.rebuildingcenter.org/gifts
LAFCO NY CANDLES
$75
Luxe gift giving in artistic, color pop ping, long lasting essential botanicals. Sustainable ingredients, handblown glass, 90 hours of burn time and 30 custom scent options!
#QuitTheClick • Come shop 54 Small • Local • Sustainable • Businesses ! 1005 SE Grand Ave | urbanitepdx.com @URBANITEPDX
Pastini Holiday Gift Card Deal
Spend $100, get $25
When you purchase $100 in Pastini gift cards, you’ll get a $25 gift voucher to use in 2025! Available 11/12/24 – 12/31/24 in store or online. Add a bottle of wine for half o the list price and pair with one of our festive gift card holders for the perfect gift for anyone on your list.
Pastini | Downtown Portland, NE Broadway, SE Division, Bridgeport Village, Cedar Hills | www.pastini.com/gift-cards
Snail Vibe Gizi
$99
Have some fun this holiday season with the unique Snail Vibe Gizi. This creative design provides dual stimulation, both internally and externally. The ergonomically shaped curve allows for optimal g-spot stimulation, while the textured spiral head simultaneously expands to maintain consistent clitoral contact. There are two
Last-Minute Gifts from PDX Airport— That Are Actually Great
In
Portland even our airport presents are thoughtful, lovely, and local.
BY SUZETTE SMITH
At 10 pm on Christmas Eve you could generally find my father at an o ce supply store; the chains used to stay open late (for corporate reasons) even on holidays. The next morning we’d pull thick squares of Post-it notes out of our holiday socks and know it was from Dad, even if he’d signed it “P. A. Perclip.”
Last minute gift buying is a fine tradition. Some may see the practice as thoughtless; I would argue it can be rooted in sweetness. After all, a last minute present is still a present. And now that flying has made it increasingly di cult to travel with gifts— airline luggage charges, unrelenting TSA clerks—you may as well just grab that stu when you arrive, if you happen to be flying into Portland.
Visitors may not know that our airport requires shops to maintain “street pricing,” so you won’t pay more for goods at PDX than you would in town.
If you’re flying out, you’re still sitting pretty—provided they’ll let you on the plane with ten boozy advent calendars sticking precariously out of a Powell’s tote. Portland airport has seen to it that even last minute presents from PDX are—by nature of the shops onhand—thoughtful, lovely, and local.
Pre-security
No one is suggesting you make a trip to the airport just to shop—well, other than the Port of Portland; they would probably support the idea—but those arriving at PDX have their pick of both concourse and “the garden” shops.
In keeping with our love of last minute o ce supplies, you’ll want to check out Paper Epiphanies, which packs an impressive variety of journals, art books, design periodicals, and a rainbow wall of markers (!) into a cute corner shop. The woman-owned business specializes in femme-empowerment messages, so you’ll find trendy books about feminist philosophy, art, and activism. On a practical level, this shop also has an entire
wall of greeting cards. Pro tip: Want to hear more from someone who lives far away? A stationary set is a sweet incentive. Orox Leather is an epicenter of cool in this area. Not only does it sell handmade leather goods ($250 purse for when you’ve really pissed someone o ; $10 leather coasters for the uncle who wants you to put one under your drink), but the people behind Orox also invited their fellow Latinx and Oaxaqueño makers from the Portland area to sell items there as well. So you can get dreamy little half-pints of Nico’s Ice Cream from a freezer in the back, and sampler packs of HAB hot sauce from shelves in the front. It’s about community, but it also appears to be about having amazing taste.
Just next door, you’ll find the delicious and vegan AND gluten-free goodies of Missionary Chocolates. They have a lot on o er, but we’ll vouch for the chocolate-covered sandwich cookies. Further in, the deeply basic, but super crowd-pleasing Hello from Portland store carries THE THING YOU NEED when basically any Portland-y / Oregon-y present will do. A “Keep Portland Weird” mug it is.
Concourses B and C
Post-security shops have an obvious advantage because whatever you pick up after TSA’s disrobe/re-robe challenge doesn’t have to meet its dogmatic restrictions. That means booze!
The GENIUSES at Straightaway Cocktails have created a craft cocktail advent calendar that has seemingly no attachment to any particular religion or any assigned set of dates. It’s just a nicely designed box with 12 mystery doors, and behind each is an alcoholic drink in a can. This is the present very good adult siblings give one another to weather the hard times of visiting family. If it helps, it’s of a similar size and shape to an oversize Bible (wink). Straightaway already has these little masterpieces available at their kiosk.
Concourse C has a lot going for it because
it’s also where you’ll find the PDX Powell’s Books pop-up. The selection has nothing on City of Books, but there’s always some interesting titles selected by sta , showcases of local authors, whatever nonfiction book everyone is mad about, a variety of card games, and the new Stephen King in stock.
Now, your gate dictates what concourse you’re flying from, so some concourse options simply won’t be available, depending what side you’re on. However, if your mother sternly warned you “not to come home again without a Pendleton wool blanket”—they have booths in both C or on the way to D and E. Similarly, Westward Whiskey also put down roots on either side of security (C & E).
Concourses D and E
Stronghold of cute, local, and punk Tender Loving Empire manifested two locations as well, in both D and E, on the same side of security. TLE has a long history of reliably solid care packages, tailored to foodies, selfcare softies, and even people who just like Jacobsen Sea Salt. They’ve got a basket for it, and if they don’t, they can make you one. While I am in no way related to Smith Tea founder Steven Smith, I do frequently receive his company’s tea as a gag gift, and I love that. Please continue this very funny joke, because the tea is a little on the spendy side. The full-leaf flavors are perfect for splurges and special occasions, though, and the company always has interesting collabs in the works. This fall, they brought back a Westward Whiskey team up, Ode to Whiskey, where black tea is aged in wet whiskey barrels to convey tasting notes/vibes—it’s perfect for your moody, lettered cousin. That’s your winter gift gauntlet handled! We hope this list helped; it’s not really just for the holidays, because there are plenty more times throughout the year when you’ll want to take along a gift to say, “I’m sorry I didn’t get a hotel,” or “so it turns out we both have the same dad.” Life can be messy, but a last minute present is still a present. ■
SUZETTE SMITH
SUZETTE SMITH
SUZETTE SMITH
SUZETTE SMITH
Straightaway Cocktails
Hello from Portland
Season’s Reelings: Your 2024 Holiday Movie Guide
Spend time NOT talking to family with our preview of the holidays’ most-hyped new releases.
BY DOM SINACOLA
Holidays are usually meant for time with family, which is obviously why so many people elect to go to the movies on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thanks to theaters being open, you now have a ready-made excuse to avoid talking to loved ones for a solid two hours.
From St. Johns Twin Cinemas to Regal Division Street, every corner of Portland is thriving with film love, be it a first-run chain or local rep theater. So, to gird thy loins for the upcoming high holy days, I’ve assembled a preview of the movies you can see in theaters on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas day when conversation runs as dry as an overcooked bird.
THANKSGIVING (NOVEMBER 28)
Red One
Following the box office shrug that was 2022’s Black Adam, The Rock optimistically reported from the set of Red One that his new blockbuster, co-starring Chris Evans and JK Simmons (as muscle daddy Santa Claus), is a “big, fun, action packed [sic] and fresh new take on Christmas Lore [ sic ].” After The Rock’s supposed chronic lateness and “unprofessional” on-set behavior helped push Red One to late 2024, this “new take” on the late-December holiday will finally see the overcast light of mid-November. Apparently, when Santa Claus is kidnapped, the head of North Pole security, Callum Drift (Rock), must join forces with world-class bounty hunter (come on now) Jack O’Malley (Evans, seemingly running on fumes), to save Kris Kringle. Whatever. I have no doubt this movie will be excrement, struck with surprisingly upsetting violence splayed against the most conservative values you can carve from a $250 million budget. This comes out on November 15; will it still be in theaters on Thanksgiving? Let’s hope not.
Gladiator II
If you’ve seen Ridley Scott’s Napoleon, you know that the octogenarian director cannot be bothered by such woke trappings of cinematic culture as “historical accuracy” or “consistent accents.” Instead, Scott trades obsession for the spectacle of history; he’s in thrall more to the bloom of organs erupting from cannonball wounds than al-
legiance to facts most audiences wouldn’t know anyway.
That energy will carry into Gladiator II , Scott’s sequel to his 2000 original, which will surely be a stupendously gory feast for IMAX screens. Arms all veined up, Paul Mescal is New Gladiator, the fate of Rome on his shoulders for some reason, with Denzel Washington clearly having a blast playing an ancient weapons dealer. Finally able to put a career’s worth of ideas onto the screen, Scott’s never been more prolific, and never less beholden to anyone than himself. Respect.
Wicked Part One
The first half of an adaptation of the musical—as well as of the 1995 novel on which the musical’s based and the Wizard of Oz writings of Frank L. Baum—Wicked has a runtime of two hours and 40 minutes. More like Wicked Long Movie [pats self on back]. Growing to the width of the Garfield balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, Ariana Grande’s dinner plate eyes will ultimately occlude all other light. Suddenly, lifetimes will pass in the dark of that theater. You will wake in another epoch, another land, and you will discover there is still a second
movie to sit through.
Moana 2
The November of The Rock continues with the last IP he hasn’t stripmined of all goodwill. That’s right, Rockheads, Maui, the beefy demigod from Moana , is back for the sequel. Originally developed as an animated series, Moana 2 went theatrical eight months ago when Bob Iger announced the series had been reconfigured following a revamping of the producing and directing teams—for solely artistic reasons, I’m sure. Rarely are reports like this a good sign, usually accompanied by accounts of animators enduring hellish work conditions or presaging a movie that feels functionally incomplete. Still, I can’t imagine families not defaulting to this Thanksgiving weekend. Will our thumb-headed megastar once again drop a People’s Elbow on the box office? I sincerely do not care.
CHRISTMAS (DECEMBER 25)
The Brutalist Brady Corbet’s gushed-over saga about architect László Toth (Adrien Brody) has the accolades (garnering Corbet the Silver Lion at the Venice Film Festival), distribution deal (A24), and runtime (215 minutes) to make it the year’s biggest small release. Couple this with Corbet and cinematographer Lol Crawley shooting in Vistavision—a process that can make 35mm film look as huge as 70mm in the theater just by running the
stock through the camera sideways—and expect to see this engorged on the swollest screens in town. It’s so intentionally and obviously epic, you’d be forgiven for assuming architect László Toth is a real person. The magic of cinema!
Babygirl
I was going to make a joke about Halina Reijn’s Babygirl being the perfect choice for families wanting to watch a horny movie together on Christmas, but looking into the film’s reception at the Toronto International Film Festival, I find critics saying that Nicole Kidman’s performance as a repressed CEO who forms a sub-dom bond with an intern (Harris Dickinson) is a brave and reflexive exploration of her career and aging physicality. So I will be similarly brave and refrain from making that joke.
Nosferatu
A young foil to Ridley Scott and his disregard for the exigencies of time, Robert Eggers is a horror filmmaker who makes macabre period pieces— The Witch , The Lighthouse , The Northman —that are so thoroughly researched they feel like stolen visions, like sights from the past that we have no right to witness. With Nosferatu, he seems to be pulling from F.W. Murnau’s 1922 silent film as much as from Werner Herzog’s 1979 remake and Bram Stoker’s 1897 Dracula novel, filtering his hyper-literate taste through a century of German expressionism.
A Complete Unknown
James Mangold responds to Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story—a satire responding to the pestilence of Oscar-bait biopics birthed by Mangold’s Walk the Line —by making an even more by-the-numbers take on an iconic musician. This time it’s Bob Dylan, given approximate life by Timothée Chalamet. A Complete Unknown will almost certainly hinge on Dylan going electric at the 1965 Newport Folk Festival, giving him the opportunity to reminisce about what led up to this all-culminating cultural moment. Its financial returns will be optimistic, its award season obligatory. So it is foretold.
Better Man
While we’re on the subject of biopics: Better Man is about the life of UK pop idol Robbie Williams… only he’s a CGI chimpanzee and no one else in the movie acknowledges he’s a CGI chimpanzee. I hesitate to call this conceit so stupid it may be genius, but I won’t hesitate to recommend it, because we both know it will be [my eyes glaze over and soul noticeably disappears from my body ] bananas. ■
COURTESY UNIVERSAL
COURTESY PRIME VIDEO
COURTESY PARAMOUNT PICTURES
Paul Mescal (and his veiny arms) in Gladiator II.
Zen and the Art of Holiday Pet Sitting
I’m permanently estranged from my family. Here’s what cats and dogs have taught me.
BY LINDSAY COSTELLO
From etymonline.com: estrange (v.) late 15c., from French estrangier “to alienate,” from Vulgar Latin *extraneare “to treat as a stranger,” from Latin extraneus “foreign, from without” (see strange).
Iam strange, I am alien, I am a stranger, I am without. Or maybe my family is. It’s difficult to say. Since 2019, I’ve been estranged from my entire family. I won’t bore (or titillate) you with the details of my decision to distance myself from them, but visualize a constellation of generational traumas—nearly every type represented—and you’ll have a general idea. Estrangement is, as the literature says, a last resort. It’s the truth. I never wanted this, but now I’m freer for it.
On most days, the peace of estrangement is one of the most powerful presences in my life. But during the chaotic final months of the year, it begins to feel like a gargantuan gaping wound that anyone—friends, coworkers, baristas—might spot if I’m not careful. People tend to flip out, or at least stare a little, when they see a gargantuan gaping wound.
So I don’t discuss it. I listen intently as those around me describe their family’s political beliefs and their dad’s rude comments and their brother’s whatever-whathave-you and I share little in response. I frown. I say, “Ugh, that sucks.” And I do mean it.
My experience always feels different, though. For one thing, my calendar is suspiciously open during the holidays. This serves an interesting and unexpected purpose: As those around me saddle up for travel, family dinners, and gift exchanges, I’m available for pet sitting. The texts roll in.
Yes, I sometimes feel a knee-jerk sting when this happens, in the way that we all have those insidious automatic thoughts that have squished around in our brains for years or decades. You know the ones. Therapists and Instagram graphics attempt to unpack them with counter-thoughts: I am worthy. I am enough. And so on. But those few tenacious thoughts remain. The neurons fire and wire. Mine are:
emy! Spaghetti! A small circle of friends! But without any biological family members in my life, there’s still a sharp loneliness, pointed and pronounced, that never goes away. The edges of it become crisper during the holidays.
Back to the petsitting, though. Over time, I’ve noticed that the animals I form bonds with might also have something to teach me about navigating estrangement. (For the record, I’m not a mental health professional. But stay with me here.)
From Fiddle, I gleaned the first of many lessons on connection and selfpreservation.
My first Christmas pet sitting charge was Fiddle, a large and docile orange man whose primordial pouch swayed like a porch swing as he strode aimlessly across the house. From Fiddle, I gleaned the first of many lessons on connection and self-preservation.
1. Don’t google your parents. (Or your sister, or your ex, or whoever it is you’ve made a concerted e ort to get away from.)
like soft wings when he flopped over on his back in the living room. Frank is a snuggly dog who asks that one hand be petting him at all times. He also likes to wake with the sunrise.
2
. Make your own rituals and stick to them with dogged (ugh) determination.
a. One year, curled up in a pit of sadness, I asked an estrangement-related subreddit for advice on what to do during the holidays. I feel for you, elderberry42289, some kind soul wrote. I recommend finding a routine and sticking to that for your sanity. Also, could you come up with something cool to do every holiday season? Something all your own?
b. This message was reaffirmed by Frank, who sticks to his rituals and appreciates all the sensory pleasures life has to offer. If Frank were a human, I think he would take himself to the movies and a fancy dinner every Christmas day.
b. Unfortunately, the news is true. Going for a walk (or even, like, to the mailbox) helps when those insidious automatic thoughts start to conspire against you. Just do it, you’ll be fine.
Here’s a lesson I’ve taken from every pet I’ve cared for:
4. Eat whatever the fuck you want.
a. You’re (probably) not a licensed nutritionist, you’re someone with family trauma who is attempting to navigate the holiday season. Eating whatever, whenever, is clearly what dogs dream of. You are not a dog. You are an adult with some funds and a ride to Safeway. Act accordingly.
And finally,
5. Make sure that you aren’t alone. Alternate strategy: believe that you’re not alone.
I don’t have a family. Everyone else does, except me.
When I type that out, there is no resentment, just layers of sadness buried in a cavity that my partner Jeremy and my cat Spaghetti still can’t fill. Intellectually, I know these thoughts aren’t true. Many people are estranged from their families, and I do have a “chosen family”—I have Jer-
a. Animals can’t google, especially sweet, simple-minded angels like Fiddle. This one is a no-brainer. Googling your parents, who will, undoubtedly, still have no internet presence, is the quickest ticket to a nightlong spiral. Plus, there are few things on this planet more depressing than searching online for your deadbeat dad’s handyman business. Don’t do it.
Then came Frank, a dapple dachshund with dark eyes and ears that flapped out
Before I met Dorothy, I thought I’d experienced the full spectrum of anger, marinating in all the emotion had to offer. This was not true. Dorothy’s capacity for disdain topped anything I’d ever felt before. She is a one-eared cat who hisses at nothing—the television, my hand in a bag of chips, the sky. She is also dark and slinky, making her contemptuous behavior seem kind of cool.
3. Go outside.
a. I knew better than to argue with Dorothy, who insisted upon patrolling the outside world despite hostile forces like coyotes and cars in the neighborhood. And so out she went, and came back, still intact (minus the missing ear).
In a season that emphasizes togetherness and companionship, I am one person musing on the tiny universes of cats and dogs. Maybe these reflections seem a little trite, even pathetic. But I don’t think that they are.
The entire objective of pet sitting is to care for small guys who cannot care for themselves. Central to that relationship is an applicable truth: When I am experiencing something emotionally traumatic, I can treat myself with special attention, too.
Sometimes that means asking for help or camaraderie. But maybe I am not in the mood to be social. Maybe I’m having a Dorothy day. That’s fine—because even when I’m isolated and furious and sad, I’m not alone. Not really. Embedded in that core belief is every creature that’s trusted me. ■
Knives Out: An Extremely Sharp Holiday Gift Guide
Everybody wants a good knife. Here’s where to find the best in the land.
BY ANDREA DAMEWOOD
For your favorite home chef or local line cook, a new knife is a thing of glory—and it’s even better when someone else pays for it.
We’re here to assure you that—for the right person—the idea of giving someone 12 inches of highly sharpened carbon steel in a wrapped box isn’t a threat. It’s one of the best Christmas presents ever.
“I think a knife is a great gift,” Eytan Zias, who owns Portland Knife House on Southeast Belmont and is a co-founder of Portland’s Steelport Knife Company, which handcrafts its work in Northeast. “There are not many things you can gift to somebody that we all use every day. I don’t know anybody that goes a day without a kitchen knife. Even if someone is a knife collector, they always want another knife.”
But choosing the right knife for the right chef is a bit of an alchemy, which Zias says people often liken to how Harry Potter picks his wand. “I consider it a compliment,” he says, laughing. “We’ll filter 700 knives down to seven, and those are the ones you’ll put your hands on.”
With so many options out there, we asked the experts for their advice, honed over many years in the industry, on how to pick the best knife for yourself or a lucky recipient.
Ditch Your Shitty Wusthof
“Most people have Henckels, or worse, Ikea or Pampered Chef knives,” Zias says. “They’ve spent a lot of money, but they’re not actually good knives.”
He believes you can find an inexpensive knife that outperforms those big names. The key? Focus on function over flash, at least to start. Here’s what Zias says he asks shoppers to consider:
What kind of blade: Prioritize carbon
steel for performance. It sharpens easily and holds an edge longer. If low-maintenance is a must, stainless steel is a good fallback. Zias says if the first question someone asks him is if they can put their knife in the dishwasher (the answer is NO), he quietly guides them to stainless steel.
Are you a righty or lefty?: Fun fact: there are knives that famous southpaw Ned Flanders could sell in his lefty shop. So try and peep which hand your beloved uses to chop.
But if you don’t know, there are ambidextrous knives, Zias says.
Balance: The two dominant styles are Japanese and Western style. These days, Japanese knives are more popular, Zias says, but it really comes down to preference. “Two people will pick up the same knife and have completely di erent reactions,” Zias notes.
The right balance reduces fatigue and feels like an extension of your hand.
Construction: Look for forged blades and full tang construction (the steel extends
through the handle). These features increase durability and longevity.
How Many Knives Is Too Many?
For some people, there is no such thing as too many knives. But in case you’re not trying to go for the whole “guy who fills his house with lizards and blades” vibe, there are three basics to start any aspiring home cook o with, Zias says.
First is an 8-inch chef knife, which he describes as the workhorse for 99 percent of tasks, from mincing herbs to slicing vegetables. Next is a paring knife, for intricate work like coring and peeling.
Finally, there’s a bread knife, which Zias says should only be used on bread, never tomatoes. Zias says the one Steelport makes is his personal fave. Ron Khormaei, the CEO and founder of Steelport Knife Co, unsurprisingly, says the same.
“Everybody else makes a serrated knife that’s terrible,” Khormaei says. “Our bread knife is the best bread knife in the world. You can’t describe it, you have to experience it.”
Khormaei says he even had a chance to put his engineering degree to work as they designed the serrated edge, landing on a 7 mm sine wave to optimize how it cuts through first crust, then a soft interior. (Brisket obsessives like to use bread knives for the same reason.)
This writer fell in love with the Steelport bread knife at the showroom recently. I hunkered down with a friend and sliced as many pieces of baguette as I could before it got weird. Steelport’s knives are expensive—the bread knife is $450—but it’s hand forged in Portland, given a gorgeous handle made from the burl of Oregon bigleaf maple and a tang that goes all the way through the handle. It has a coffee patina made with Coava beans. You can also get it sharpened for free, forever. It is truly the
fancy-assest of presents.
“A knife is an amazing gift if it’s given to someone who truly shows caring about food,” Khormaei says. “It’s for people who don’t cook because they’re hungry, but because they show love to friends and family. You’re saying you value their passion and value their interest.”
Sidebar of Knives (MUAHAHAHAH)
There are a lot of damn knives out there. In order to avoid decision paralysis, here are a few options that Eytan Zias, owner of Portland Knife House and cofounder of Steelport Knife Company, recommends for holiday shoppers.
BEST BUDGET KNIFE
Tojiro Basic 8” chef knife
Price: $47
Blade: VG10 stainless steel. Made in Niigata, Japan.
What makes it great: “I cannot think of a better value in the kitchen knife world. It’s very rare to find a Japanese-made professional quality knife under $50.”
What makes it great: “A little flashy looking for some, but it looks unique, performs well, and is user friendly. It’s a favorite for both professional and home cooks alike.”
FOR THOSE WHO HAVE EVERYTHING
STEELPORT Knife Co 10” serrated bread knife
Price: $450
Blade: Drop-forged 52100 carbon steel with a bigleaf maple burl handle. Made in Portland. What makes it great: “It’s rare to find a bread knife with this steel quality and level of detail, and is a favorite among serious bread bakers and BBQ guys. (It also got a shout out from The New York Times food section.) It’s also Portland-made, using all US-sourced materials.”
BEST SPLURGE
Nigara Hamono 9.5” Ginsan Damascus ebony handle chef knife
Price: $525
Blade: Ginsan Damascus. Made in Hirosaki, Japan.
What makes it great: “It’s my favorite example of a Japanese forged handmade knife that we have in the shop.” ■
Steelport’s 10 inch slicing knife.
A knife set for the chef who has everything.
STEELPORT KNIFE CO.
STEELPORT KNIFE CO.
Fairytale of Old Portland
A love letter to a less shiny city, and the teenagers, insomniacs, and eccentrics who populated it.
BY BEN COLEMAN
It was December 25, 2013, and everyone in the gay steakhouse was getting amiably drunk.
It was one of those Portland winters that was cold and wet and absolutely miserable to be out in, and I had to work. But before that I was going to pre-spend my holiday pay on a fancy dinner—or at least the fanciest dinner I could a ord working the graveyard shift for a bit more than minimum wage. Starky’s was what you’d a ectionately call an “establishment.” It wasn’t a dive, but it was dive-adjacent: Formica tables, napkins for coasters, stately framed prints of drag queens and bodybuilders on the peach pink walls. In the summer they ran a raunchy charity car wash you could hear from blocks away. In the fall and spring, the iron-fenced patio always had a handful of elegant old swains sipping cocktails while they watched the world go by. In the winter they were open on Christmas Eve.
People who go to bars on major holidays often exist on the margins of society. Drunks, malcontents, lost souls estranged from religion or tradition, those who have no family or are burdened by what family they have. And folks who just can’t a ord not to work. I didn’t take an inventory of my fellow travelers, but I’m sure there was the usual mix of those usual suspects, along with the clientele of a relaxed neighborhood gay bar: pretty Midwesterners with sad eyes, pairs of middle-aged husbands who didn’t want to cook, the aforementioned swains. Some
were socializing like it was an o ce holiday party, others were lost in thought as we studied our mashed potatoes for clues to the human condition as freezing rain whipped against the windows. I’d like to say that “Fairytale of New York” came on the jukebox and we all got misty and sang along, but I suspect if anyone made a move to change the Britney Spears music video on the wall TV there’d have been a riot. But I still left feeling better about the world.
“Old Portland” is a moving target, but it’s not ephemeral. It began when you found somewhere in this city that welcomed you and ended when it was torn down to make way for a condo. Townies my age wax rhapsodic about all-ages music venues like La Luna and Meow Meow, about the Church of Elvis, the terrible service at The Roxy, sti drinks at Club 21, late night LAN parties at Backspace. We like to talk about how you could smoke in bars, even though most of us have long since quit. But previous generations had their own haunts and hollows: jazz clubs and punk houses that lived and died and exist now only in memory. It’s not like they sold tickets to Old Portland and we’ve got the stubs in a shoebox somewhere.
What I suspect we’re all nostalgic for is the feeling, however subjective, that the margins of society were a bit wider, and more people could a ord to exist in them. That Portland was not a precision machine. It had looser tolerances than today. There were poorly-optimized businesses in the
service of teenagers, insomniacs, artists, and eccentrics, alongside the usual cadre of office workers and serious restaurateurs that all cities need to function. When those places went away they were rarely replaced. Willamette Week ’s Aaron Mesh once wrote, “Every generation gets the ruining of Portland it deserves,” and it’s as true today as it was in 2015 when they tore down Starky’s to make way for the 46 modern apartment units that sit there now.
Cities change and culture shifts. Style moves from hard forms to soft, sarcasm makes way for sincerity, the rebels sell out and so on. But these cycles aren’t arbitrary. They are shaped by market forces and public policy. Coffee shops used to have couches so that people would hang out in them, fill those spaces with the sounds of awkward first dates and someone scribbling the first chapter of a terrible novel. Co ee shops aren’t soft anymore. They’re full of angular, industrial surfaces, because to make rent this month they need several hundred people to buy eight dollar macchiatos and fuck o somewhere else.
The Portland of today is shinier than the Portland of my youth. There are luxury retailers and well-moisturized influencers and futuristic cube houses with two-Cybertruck garages. Presumably this was done because the hippie granola markets and communist bookstores and neighborhood dives that were already here don’t pull the property taxes needed to fund a
proper 21st Century metropolis. Our city fathers promised us prosperity if we’d only sacrifice a couple of eyesores on the altar of urban renewal and mixed-use development. It’s a bargain many willingly made, perhaps believing that for once in human history the rising tide would lift all boats. The bodies of the displaced lying in our streets seem to say otherwise.
Someday this city will be a vast and uniform sea of tasteful residential buildings named after the ugly and interesting places they replaced: the needle parks we walked past on the way to school, the cart pods where you could get a pretty good gyro, bars like Starky’s where neighbors gathered on holidays in defiance of the shitty weather. They’ll have large matte photos in the lobby of musicians who couldn’t a ord to live there and gig work security guards to shoo away any indigents who get close to the property line. That’s progress, I suppose.
We miss Old Portland not because it was cheaper or somehow more authentic, but because of the people it once accommodated. We miss the sense of community that animated those old, demolished buildings, that warmed them in the way that only old buildings full of people talking can be warm. Every day we’re tested, and no more so than during the holidays, by how we welcome the strangers in our midst. I was a stranger once and found welcome in a neighborhood bar that’s not there anymore. I hope it can be found again somewhere new. ■
DYLAN MECONIS
Eight Vinyl Gift Ideas for the Holidays
Nothing says “you’re cool” like the gift of vinyl.
BY
JENNI MOORE
The holidays are a great time to support your loved one’s passions (read: greatest obsessions) by splurging on vinyl copies of their favorite albums and cult classic soundtracks. Selected from my home record collection, my own Christmas list, and some that I’ve had fun wrapping up as gifts, here are eight vinyl releases that make great gifts for the holidays in 2024.
1.
Cowboy Carter & Homecoming:
The Live Album, Beyoncé For a while, Beyoncé only made special edition cover versions of Cowboy Carter available for purchase—I have one such copy—but today you can buy the classic cover version with that iconic image of Bey as the blonde-haired rodeo queen holding the American flag on horseback at places like Target and Amazon. If the Beyoncé fan in your life isn’t the biggest fan of Cowboy Carter (for whatever stupid reason), consider splurging on Homecoming: The Live Album , so your loved one can enjoy the Queen’s world-stopping Coachella performance that sees her slay nearly two hours of back-to-back hits from her three-decade career—Destiny’s Child reunion included—even when the internet goes out. The Homecoming vinyl includes four LPs that are enclosed in double-sided artwork sleeves, and the box set also comes with a 52-page booklet featuring stunning album artwork, which alone is worth the purchase.
2.
Wicked: The Soundtrack
We have full-body chills from the sneak listen of “Defying Gravity” in the Wick -
ed theatrical trailers. As someone whose musical theater beginnings were shaped by the original cast soundtrack, the fact that the movie roles of Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) and Glinda (Ariana Grande) are being played by two megastar performers in their prime is comforting. Nearing EGOT status and only missing an Oscar, Cynthia Erivo is a stunning talent whether she’s slaying roles like Aretha Franklin, Harriet Tubman, or Celie in a Broadway revival of The Color Purple. And Ariana Grande has more than proven herself as a top tier vocalist—just watch her concert doc Excuse Me, I Love You for the receipts. These are two women who could sing the phonebook (do those still exist?) and make it Grammy worthy. I can’t wait to hear how the two interpret songs like “Popular,” “Defying Gravity,” and how their voices blend on those iconic Wicked harmonies. Sadly, we’ll have to wait for the second film (to be released in November 2025) to hear this cast’s versions of favorite tracks like ”Thank Goodness,” “As Long As You’re Mine,” and of course, the heartfelt duet finale “For Good.” Available exclusively at Target and dropping November 22, the same day the movie hits theaters, we already know thefirst volume of the Wicked soundtrack is worth buying for the musical theater kid in your life. (For the Wicked purest or skeptics of the new cast, consider acquiring a vinyl copy of the original cast recording featuring Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel.)
3.
Merry Christmas, Mariah Carey As far as Christmas albums go,you can’t lose with 1994’s classic Merry Christmas
from Mariah Carey, which is basically synonymous with the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. While “All I Want for Christmas Is You” tends to get a lot of the attention, there’s a reason MC’s album is one of the most acclaimed Christmas albums of all time; Mariah’s at her vocal peak on her renditions of songs like “O Holy Night,” “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home),” “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” and gospel tracks “Joy to the World,” and “Jesus (Oh What A Wonderful Child).”
4.
The Rise And Fall of a Midwest Princess, Chappell Roan
For the pop-loving progressivist and campy music fan in your life, get your hands on Chappell Roan’s debut, which clearly pulls aesthetic influences from the drag world, and sonic influences from 1980s synth-pop. The cinematic album depicts the artist’s journey of falling in queer love for the first time, and includes highlights like “Red Wine Supernova,” “Hot to Go!,” and “Pink Pony Club.”
5.
Self-Titled, Roman Norfleet and Be Present Art Group Driven by Roman Norfleet, improvised jazz and soul collective Be Present Art Group’s self-titled debut emerged from drum gatherings in Washington DC’s Malcolm X Park, which the album’s liner notes describe as “a pocket of freedom built on collective improvisation and shared rhythm.” In Portland, Norfleet assembled a collective of artists including Jacque Hammond and members of Brown Calculus to channel the spirit of those DC sessions. The group’s resulting earthy and spiritual self-titled album was released via Portland-to-Chicago label Mississippi Records in 2023. [Record label Mississippi Records is under the impression it lives in Chicago now, but the store and SPIRIT remain in Portland. -eds.]
6.
the ’70s. The Grammy-winning Stevie classic is one of my favorites to bump around the house, especially while doing housework. Widely accepted as one of the best and most influential albums in history, Stevie’s 18th studio album embodies—if not invents—the concept of “no skips” with songs like “Love’s In Need of Love Today,” “Sir Duke,” “Village Ghetto Land,” “I Wish,” “Knocks Me Off My Feet,” “Ordinary Pain,” “Isn’t She Lovely,” “Joy Inside My Tears,” and “Black Man.” The subject matter feels as relevant as ever, with Stevie singing about evergreen topics like his childhood, first love, lost love, and poignantly tackling heavier topics like racial justice, and social justice for the poor and disenfranchised.
7.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (Soundtrack)
I have a younger brother who was absolutely obsessed with The Nightmare Before Christmas growing up, and by proxy, I too came to love the creepy stop-motion film, especially the music. Whether you consider it a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie—I happen to believe it’s both— The Nightmare Before Christmas is a family-friendly cult classic, and the soundtrack is nostalgic, campy, moody, but most of all fun! The soundtrack can be enjoyed from October all the way to Christmas, bringing joy to its recipient with songs like “This Is Halloween,” “What’s This?,” “Making Christmas,” and “Jack’s Obsession.”
8.
Mm..Food, MF Doom (20th Anniversary Edition)
Songs in the Key of Life, Stevie Wonder I was handed down a vintage copy of Stevie Wonder’s Songs in the Key of Life from my family’s record collection accumulated in
For the MF Doom superfan in your life (we all have at least one), many a vinyl gift will do—from his studio debut album Operation: Doomsday to his epic collab with Madlib, Madvillainy . But this year is a particularly good time to gift the 2004 concept album Mm..Food , Doom’s fifth studio album with lyrics and song titles that reference different foods, as it celebrates its 20-year anniversary with a special edition vinyl release that comes with super cool new artwork that depicts a new take on the original illustrated cover, which features Doom sitting down to eat breakfast. On the updated cover, Doom is seen through a window, sitting down in the booth of a classic American diner. ■
Fantastic Holiday Treats (and Where to Find Them)
A roundup of the best holiday sweets and snacks for your festivities.
BY MARTHA DAGHLIAN
Throughout centuries of human civilization, people have sought out ways to combat the darkness and cold temperatures of winter: from ancient temples that aligned with the rising solstice sun to the ceremonial burning of symbolic fir trees, we have devised many strategies to brighten up the longest season. But perhaps the best solution to the winter doldrums is to have a little treat? Cultures all around the world have invented their own special cookies, cakes, and sweets to be enjoyed at this time of year, and we’ve rounded up some of our faves that are available right here in Portland!
Fancy Cake Thinks it’s a Tree
Arguably the most iconic of Christmas desserts, the bûche de noël (or yule log) predates current “is it cake” fads by well over a century. Traditionally made with light sponge cake rolled around a rich filling and adorned with cute meringue mushrooms, this whimsical faux tree echoes the ancient Celtic tradition of burning a ceremonial log at Winter Solstice and really amps up the classic holiday aesthetic. Don’t have a spare 57 hours and a background in French pastry? Let the professionals at Pix Patisserie take care of all your bûche needs with one of their glossy high concept stumps, available to order through December. Pix Patisserie, 2225 E Burnside, pixpatisserie.com
Baklava Just Like Grandma Used to Make
Within the Armenian-American side of my family, baklava—a buttery, syrupy nut-andphyllo pastry popular across the Mediterranean, Central/West Asian, and North African regions—is a mandatory holiday treat. I grew up on my grandmother’s recipe, which calls for walnuts only (no pistachios, thank you), an entire pound of clarified butter, NO cinnamon (how dare you even suggest it!), and a sneaky splash of bourbon, presumably a modern twist added by grandma. But TBH, I haven’t met a baklava I didn’t love, and there are a few particularly strong ready-made contenders here in Portland: World Foods Market, with locations in the Pearl and on Barbur Boulevard, makes a few
varieties of baklava and similar pastries, all of which are exquisite (even with pistachios).
Sophisticated Citrus
It’s a serendipitous fact that winter is not only a season for feasting on rich foods, it’s also the time of year when bright, refreshing citrus is at its peak. Who doesn’t love a bowl of oranges at a holiday party? In addition to enjoying fresh citrus fruit straight up (my favorite is the dekopon or sumo mandarin), there are all sorts of fancy things you can make with the help of our zesty friends: fresh grapefruit mimosas, traditional pomander balls (that’s when you poke a ton of little holes in an orange and shove a whole dried clove in each one, creating a spicy little air freshener that also kind of looks like a medieval weapon as it slowly dries up throughout the winter), hot toddies with tons of lemon. If you really want to impress your friends, try making your own candied citrus peel—it’s like a grown up version of those fruit slice gummy candies!
Candied Citrus Peel
minutes, then you’ll drain and boil them for five more minutes in fresh water, then do the same thing one more time). Then, cover them with a 1:1 mixture of water and granulated sugar. Bring to a boil, then simmer for 40-60 minutes over low heat. They should become soft and a little translucent
to the annual party our friends throw to celebrate this traditional East Asian holiday. A lot of the foods associated with Lunar New Year celebrations symbolize some specific kind of luck that one might hope to attract in the coming months. Noodles, dumplings, fish, and citrus all connect in some way to ideas including longevity, wealth, and unity. But in my humble opinion, treats featuring sticky rice are the star of the show. This time around, I plan to visit Li Min Bakery at 81st and SE Division, and Shop Halo Halo on 50th and SE Woodstock, for traditional nian gao (sticky rice cakes) and moon cakes filled with sweet bean paste. Lin Min’s Bakery & Bistro, 8615 SE Division; Shop Halo Halo, 4981 SE Woodstock, STE 2, shophalohalo.com
Rad Rugelach
My first encounter with rugelach was at an elementary-school friend’s house, where her mom taught us to make this classic holiday cookie, originally dreamed up hundreds of years ago by Jewish bakers in Poland. Wait, is it a cookie? Or is it a pastry? You know what, I don’t care… all I know is it comes in lots of di erent flavors (Apricot! Raspberry! Chocolate!) and its twisty little crescent-moon shape really spices up a cookie plate. Like many delicious wintertime snacks, they do take a bit of e ort to make at home, so if you’re short on time you might want to check out Henry Higgins Bagels, which contrary to their name, also serves up rugelach, babka, and challah on the regular. Henry Higgins Boiled Bagels, multiple locations, hhboiledbagels.com
at the edges. Drain and place on a drying rack until cool (put some foil or parchment underneath to catch any drips). Once they are dry, you can toss them in sugar for a sparkly and crunchy coating.
Scandinavian-Style Snacks
Cut the peel from a bunch of citrus fruits (make sure not to include any of the white part!) into strips. Blanch them three times (that means placing them in a saucepan, covering with water, and boiling for five
Candied citrus peel makes a super classy garnish for fancy desserts, and can also be used in cake and muffin recipes. Or just snack on them in between all the cookies for a “healthy” treat—it’s fruit, isn’t it??
Sticky Sweets for Lunar New Year Lunar New Year may still be a little ways off, but I’m already planning what I’ll bring
If this list of festive treats still isn’t enough for you, mark your calendars for the 40th annual Scan Fair! This massive event, hosted by Nordic Northwest at the Oregon Convention Center December 7 and 8, is inspired by traditional Scandinavian Christmas markets. Think traditional singing and dancing, cozy knitwear, and tons of delicious sweets, snacks, and drinks–basically a massive party to brighten up the dark wintertime with some serious hygge. My most trusted Scandinavian treat advisor suggests loading up on Æbleskiver (little round pancakes, often served with lingonberry jam), pickled herring, and glögg (spiced wine punch). Scan Fair runs Dec. 7-8 at the Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE MLK Jr, get your tickets and find more info at nordicnorthwest.org/scanfair ■
A bûche de noël from Pix Patisserie.
Rugelach
Baklava
PIX PATISSERIE NATALY
What’s the “Holiday” in Holiday Beers?
Local brewers describe the secret ingredients that put their beers in the holiday spirit.
BY JOE STRECKERT
Every year around November, beer aisles and bottle shops get seasonal. Winter ales appear on the shelves right around the time frost starts appearing on the ground.
Winter beers aren’t any one thing. Holiday brews are more of a feeling than a prescribed list of ingredients or techniques.
The closest thing the beer world has to “o cial” rules about beer styles is the Beer Judge Certification Program guidelines. The most recent version of the guidelines advises beer judges to “think more about the declared concept than trying to detect each individual ingredient. Balance, drinkability, and execution of the theme are the most important deciding factors” when evaluating winter beers.
In other words, when professional beer judges evaluate a winter beer, they go by vibes.
“For me it’s a cozy beer,” says Jess Hardie, the head brewer and co-founder of TPK Brewing Company. “Something you want to snuggle up with like a blanket.”
“Seasonal beers can range greatly,” says Lee Perry, the event director for the Portland Holiday Brew Fest. “It can be a real mix of whatever brewers are feeling.”
That being said, there are some common
er, maltier wintertime beer provide a ready template for brewers who are ready to evoke wintertime feelings with whatever flavoring agents they have on hand.
Kora and Hardie go beyond the spice rack for their wintertime flavors. Kora adds palo santo wood to one of his porters to create a woody, aged flavor that he says “tastes like a thin mint.” He notes that it’s one of his more popular beers and he makes it available year round. Hardie will add ingredients like Belgian candi sugar, cinnamon, and Mexican cocoa to her beers to make them sweeter and more distinctive.
over and get into the market,” says Kora. Lagers generally take longer to brew. That means they also take more planning, take up space in a brewery for a longer period of time, and are more of a logistical issue for brewers. But Kora notes that it is possible to brew lagers like bocks and pilsners that include holiday flavors.
features that give a beer that wintertime feeling.
“For me a winter beer is a bigger, maltier, warm-you-up style of ale. They tend to be a little bit darker and a little less hoppy and higher in alcohol,” says Jake Elder, the brewer and co-founder of Lazy Days Brewing.
For Elder, beers that focus less on hops and more on malt give him an opportunity to break out the spices and get creative with flavors beyond just hops.
Winter is when beers get loaded up with spices, however adding Christmastime spices and flavorings to beer isn’t some kind of craft brew innovation or cute novelty. According to Edler, adding flavor to beer with whatever brewers had available is a long tradition. A tradition that’s even older than adding hops to beer.
That being said, hops aren’t entirely absent from the holiday parties. Oregon’s favorite (or maybe most divisive) beer style, the IPA, still shows up plenty in the winter, and other hoppy beers make appearances at seasonal brew festivals.
“Hops have been a relatively new phenomenon,” says Elder. “Relatively new” here means only a few centuries. Elder estimates that hops only go back about three or four hundred years. Prior to that, spice blends were more popular for adding bitterness or other flavors to brews. Elder specifically names nutmeg, allspice, and mace as common and longstanding flavorings to beer, all of which are popular in holiday brews to this day.
“Pretty much anything that was used in a spice rack was used in a beer,” says Elder. Maltier beers, says Elder, can taste unbalanced or unfinished on their own. Adding additional flavoring agents can round the beer out and make it more palatable. Dark-
Hardie made a black rye IPA that she sees as a wintertime brew. “I would still consider that a winter beer because the rye was so forward,” she says. It clocked in at about 68 IBUs and 6.5% ABV, which Hardie puts on the lower end of the alcohol spectrum for holiday ales. But: “It still had that roasty-toasty flavor that I want in a winter beer,” Hardie says.
According to Elder, winter IPAs tend to lean on hops that give the beers what he calls “Christmas tree flavors”: Notes of spruce and pine needles can make a hoppy beer feel like a holiday one, and he calls out Sierra Nevada’s Celebration IPA as a good example of popular beer that gets its holiday flavors from hops rather than spices. It’s pine-forward and is marketed as a seasonal beer while also retaining the ever-salable identity of IPA.
Perry notes that several of the beers at the Portland Holiday Brew Fest are fresh hop IPAs. December is at the very tail end of the fresh hop season in Oregon, but it’s close enough that juicy, fruity IPAs can just barely be in season when snow begins to fall.
Winter beers also aren’t strictly limited to ales.
“Winter ales are a lot quicker to turn
Kora also notes that lagers have a reputation for being not as flavorful, interesting, or high in alcohol as ales. But, he says, that’s a misconception. “Lagers can be just as formidable as ales,” he says. According to him, an enterprising brewer can create a lager that evokes holiday feelings just as much as a smoky, barrel-aged porter might.
Winter ales tend to stay drinkable long after the Christmas decorations have been packed up. Alcohol is a preservative and the higher ABV in a lot of seasonal brews means that the flavors can stick around even into the next holiday season and beyond.
“Winter ales age really well,” says Kora. He notes that as long as high ABV beers are kept at fifty degrees or lower they stay drinkable and can develop in interesting ways.
“Winter beers can change over time and age out really well. They can be really di erent beers in six months or so and become quite tasty.” Long after the holidays are over, a little bit of Christmas can linger on in your beer fridge, ready with holiday cheer any time of year.
Four Festive Beers To Try:
The Spice is Right from Lazy Days Brewing: A 6.7% spiced chocolate porter with flavor notes that wouldn’t be out of place in a pumpkin pie or spiced eggnog.
Nightfall of Diamonds from Zoiglhaus and Ecliptic: This 7.6% imperial porter is a collaboration between two breweries, blending to ee and co ee flavors with orange and chocolate. It’s not marketed as a seasonal beer per se, but it tastes a lot like one of those chocolate oranges sold around the holidays.
Yippee-KI-PA from Baerlic: A winter IPA based on everyone’s favorite Christmas action movie. This 7.2% seasonal o ering is less about overwhelming bitterness and more about a rounded, roasty flavor that goes well with Christmas trees or exploding o ce buildings.
Peregrin Palo Santo Porter from Montavilla Brew Works: A dark porter aged in Peruvian Palo Santo wood with hints of minty sweetness.■
The Spice Is Right
Peregrin Palo Santo Porter
Double Trouble TPK BREWING COMPANY
MONTAVILLA BREW WORKS
Christmas Music for Every Mood
Four examples of music that take a decidedly di erent spin on the holidays.
BY CORBIN
SMITH
Over the years, the recording industry has managed to create Christmas music for every mood. Thousands of sad piano takes on The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting Over an Open Fire), the pure pop joy of Mariah Carey belting out “All I want for Christmas is you,” the simple, light brain damage you get from a loud, irritating version of “Sleigh Ride.” But what about when you are in a VERY particular mood? When the season has transported you into one of life’s bizarre gutters, left you in such a particular place where you need a very particular sort of Christmas music to haul you out of it? For you, for this, I o er this guide to Christmas music for truly any mood.
“Winter Wonderland” and “Christmas Island” presents an alternate world Dylan, one more into vibing and tipping back, as opposed to an artist with an endless appetite for work and startling discipline.
For when you and your fellow teenage orphans—residents of a foster home owned by kindly old women in deep with the bank— just pulled o the Christmas Eve heist of the century to pay her mortgage and are tipping back a big ol’ glass of hot cider while looking over Portland: Bob Dylan, Christmas in the Heart A few years back, Bob Dylan, our truest and most loving uncle, made a Christmas album. Surface analysis: it’s weird he did that. Deeper analysis: it’s not actually weird, because Bob admires folk music and the Great American Songbook, and Christmas music is a canon built from both. Even deeper analysis: it’s still pretty weird, because it’s weird to listen to Bob Dylan unleashing his signature late career Warm Croak on Christmas songs you’ve been inundated with your entire life.
But when you get past the sheer novelty of King Gravel intoning “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” a song made famous by Judy Garland, you remember that, oh yeah, Bob Dylan is one of history’s greatest musicians, and o ers a wealth of feeling, warmth and energy—even (especially) when he’s pursuing a strange muse. His “Must Be Santa,” anchored by a loud accordion and augmented by a rechristening of the reindeer as post-war presidents, is pure jalopy shit—a sound of the Christmas gathering flying apart at the seams as candy-ridden children roam through the hallway and shove each other into toilets. “I’ll Be Home for Christmas,” is a standard ‘50s pop music take, lifted into something transcendent by Bob’s presence behind the microphone.
The best song on here is Bob’s version of “Do You Hear What I Hear.” He is, after all, an old wise man now, wandering through deserts, handing out gifts. His intonation on “A child, a child/Sleeping in the night/He will bring us goodness and light,” is struck through with a warmth and sincerity that you don’t associate with Trickster Bob. Is it a performance of awe, trying to capture a world that still had some sense of the divine? Is it a true wonder in the potential of the child, a hope for the future? Is it just a straightforward exaltation of Christ himself? You can never really know with Bob, of course, but it stirs.
For when your company—an international logistics concern—sent you on a last minute overseas business trip over Christmas, and you stroll the streets alone and alienated on Christmas Eve, until you walk into a fancy cocktail bar and lock eyes with another disa ected expat at the bar: Duke Ellington, The Nutcracker Suite
Did you know that Duke isn’t his real name? You see, when Duke Ellington was a child, everyone who lived in his neighborhood thought he seemed like minor royalty, and just started calling him Duke as a result. That was how smooth this man was, folks. But it would not have meant much if the Duke was not also a world historic musical genius. A bandleader, composer, a thinker, whose work brought a formal precision and imagination to jazz that changed the enterprise forever, transmuting it from an outgrowth of blues into the great American musical form.
One of the ways that Duke built this new form was taking forays into classical music, breaking apart or injecting the classical canon with improvisation and swing time, or likewise, taking the forms of classical music and overlaying them with original compositions informed by his lifetime as an orchestra leader working in a jazz idiom. In Duke’s hands, genre distinctions, of dance music or concert music, become wobbly, fall off the boat, drown in the ocean of his genius, and are reborn into
an object of pure American greatness.
In 1960, Duke, riding a popular revival as newfangled bebop artists codified his importance in their own development, worked with Billy Strayhorn— his longtime arranging partner—to break apart Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker suite, perhaps the most famous piece of dance music ever composed, and reforge it into this album, which takes Pytor’s famous melodies and remakes them into nine swing numbers.
“The Dance of The Sugar Plum Fairy,” all ethereal glockenspiels in the ballet, becomes “Sugar Rum Cherry,” a terribly horny reforging that asks a question that would not occur to you otherwise: What if I kind of want to fuck the Sugar Plum Fairy?
“The Nutcracker March” is now “Peanut Brittle Brigade,” a New Orleans parade of nutcracker men. “Chinoiserie,” the Duke’s version of “The Chinese Dance,” loosens up the source material to the point where it sounds like something someone might actually dance to as opposed to the Tchaikovsky original, bloodless to the point of making its subject seem alien.
For when you’re driving home from your family’s yearly Christmas gathering—which was good, for the most part, but your Aunt Shelly got WAY too blitzed on eggnog and hot toddies and vomm’d in the backyard: Wynton Marsalis, Crescent City Christmas Card
There’s a lot to know about Wynton Marsalis, the trumpeter, band leader, and academic, who has long represented a kind of traditionalist approach to jazz performance and composition that can maybe seem a little square. And while I personally don’t know a lot about Marsalis, I do know about this album, a suite of Christmas standards he released in 1989.
A lot of it is fairly standard jazz takes on Christmas classics: a trumpet playing a slightly off-kilter rendition of “Winter Wonderland,” a brassy vocal take on “Sleigh Ride,” “Carol of the Bells” with the forward momentum of the death chant replaced by laconic swing music jamming, and “Jingle Bells,” with a li’l woodblock that brings horse evocations to the party.
give the thing a vaguely creepy vibe. What does it mean to set a hymn of the infant Christ in front of trumpets that suggest a danger lurking on the horizon? Is it an evocation of Herod’s men in the field, looking for the child so he may butcher any competition for his spot at the top of Israel’s local government? Is it broadcasting uncertainty about the future of this child’s life, over the fanaticism he would come to embrace, the horror of his violent death? Is it a way of juxtaposing the sentimental story of Jesus’ birth with the world of unease and terror that would form in his wake?
Why would someone make a version of “Little Drummer Boy” that seems to intentionally bury the drums in the mix? Trumpeter’s jealousy? What does a laid back swing version of “We Three Kings” mean? That the kings were cool? Were they cool? I have never thought about it, really. By insisting that he press as much jazz shit as possible into these standards, Wynton runs up against the idea of these things as content about Christmas and into the idea of them as forms.
For when she took the kids home after their mandatory Christmas Eve visit and you have wandered out into the cold night, purchased a six pack of Rolling Rock and a bottle of Mad Dog, and—two brewskies and five sips of fortified in— you plop down in the arched, gothic-style doorway of a neighborhood church, and just sit there, sipping and watching the rain come in, wondering when and how it all went so wrong: Benjamin Britten, Ceremony of Carols
But some of it is insane—insane in a way that makes you wonder what Wynton is trying to get out. Take this album’s version of “Silent Night”: a standard female vocal, trilling and ethereal, but set to a backdrop of woozy, uncertain horns, that
20th Century British Composer Benjamin Britten was a sad man who made beautiful music. Ceremony of Carols is a song cycle for boys choir and solo harp, written on a boat coming back to England during the middle of World War II, when U-Boats were scouring the ocean, looking to send boats full of British guys plunging into the icy ocean. It takes a bunch of old Christmas and Baby Jesus related poems in various languages, sets them to music, and goes at it hard as hell. It’s beautiful, it’s faintly sad, it’s everything you need for a Christmas where the disappointments of the year fight against the idea of a wee babe, born in a barn, bringing hope into the world. NOT FOR LIGHT LISTENING, but essential for any soul slipping into darkness. ■
EverOut’s 2024 Winter Events Calendar
BY JULIANNE BELL, LINDSAY COSTELLO, SHANNON LUBETICH, AUDREY VANN, JANEY WONG
Portland Winter Ice Rink
Lace up your skates and channel local ice princess Tonya Harding, because the Portland Winter Ice Rink is back for its second year. Skaters can take the ice for 1.5-hour sessions, so bundle up before gliding around the outdoor rink. Beginners can even rent a cute seal-shaped skating aid, which I hope is not limited to children. Après-skate, warm up at the adjacent winter village with a hot beverage in hand, hang for a while in a cozy lounge, and check out the marketplace. As long as no one leaves the ice screaming, “Why? Whyyyyy??” in agony, it all sounds like the perfect winter outing. Morrison Bridgehead (Nov 16, 2024–Jan 5, 2025) JANEY WONG
Sun Ra Arkestra
The Arkestra performs the music of its namesake, legendary jazz pioneer Sun Ra, who brought together big band, avant-garde, free jazz, and cosmic exploration, leaving behind a unique artistic legacy that’s kept alive by 100-year-old Arkestra bandleader Marshall Allen. (Yes, he still performs!) Even if you don’t consider yourself a jazz buff, you must catch the ensemble at one of their three performances at the Hollywood Theatre this month, or hell, go to all three! Each set will be entirely unique with the themes Slumming on Park Avenue (night one), Fate in a Pleasant Mood (night two), and We Travel the Spaceways (night three). Hollywood Theatre (Nov 19–21) AUDREY VANN
ZooLights
Lions, tigers, and bears will have you saying “oh my!” in childlike wonder at the Oregon Zoo’s immersive holiday lights experience. Be mesmerized as you walk through tunnels of sparkling lights, ride the zoo train, and enjoy treats like elephant ears and hot cocoa. Don’t miss an homage to the White Stag sign, pulsating jellyfish, an all-new magical meadow light show, and life-size animal lanterns. Oregon Zoo (Multiple dates between Nov 22 - Jan 5, 2025) SHANNON LUBETICH
Portland Cheese and Meat Festival
The world is your cheese plate at this celebration of all things cured meat and fromage. At the door, you’ll be greeted with a tasting glass and charcuterie board, and then left to your own devices to wander around grazing and curating the snack platter of your dreams with samples from vendors like Beecher’s, Cascadia Creamery, Ekone Oyster & Seafood Products, and Alpenrose Dairy, paired with sips from producers like Westward Whiskey and Willamette Valley Vineyards. The Leftbank Annex (Sat Nov 23) JB
My People’s Market 15
Organized by Travel Portland and Prosper Portland, My People’s Market has been uplifting entrepreneurs of color since its inception in November 2017. Give Bezos the boot and instead source your holiday gifts from the event’s lineup of over 160 POC vendors, selling everything from scented candles to crystals to vintage rugs. If you work up an appetite, Yoonique Phở & Grill, Spice of Africa, and Himalayan Dumplings by Kyikyi will serve up hot food. DJ AmBush and multi-hyphenate political analyst Morgan Jones will host. Oregon Convention Center (Nov 23–24) JB
Grouper
Oregon-based artist Liz Harris, also known as Grouper, creates hushed ambient sounds that emanate feeling, despite the echoes and reverb that slightly obscure her lyrics and instrumentation. If you’re familiar with the early work of Portland-born photographer Imogen Cunningham, think of Grouper’s sound as a sonic representation of her ghostly, ethereal photographs. Harris will stop by Holocene’s front lounge for two intimate shows alongside Seattle-based singer-songwriter Tiny Vipers. Holocene (Nov 24–25) AV
Tofurky Trot 2024
Start Thanksgiving morning bright and early with a family-friendly 5K full of compassion for our feathered friends at the annual Tofurky Trot. The path is fully paved and accessible for wheelchairs, strollers, and friendly puppers, starting and finishing at Oaks Park (including a traverse over Sellwood Bridge for gorgeous views of the river and downtown). Bring your own cup for complimentary beverages before the race, and enjoy vegan bites post-trot, all while feeling good about raising funds for local farm sanctuaries. Oaks Park(Thurs Nov 28) SL
40th Annual Tree Lighting Ceremony
It’s hard not to believe in the holiday spirit when a fresh-from-the-forest 75-foot-tall Douglas Fir adorned with thousands of twinkly lights appears in your town square. Kick off the Christmas season the day after Thanksgiving at the 40th anniversary of this grand tree lighting ceremony featuring a sing-along led by Portland’s own Thomas Lauderdale of Pink Martini and Mr. Claus himself flipping the ceremonial switch to turn on the lights. Pioneer Courthouse Square (Fri Nov 29) SL
Christmas Festival of Lights 2024
Don your hat and gloves, gather your loved ones, and get excited for one of Portland’s favorite holiday traditions. The Festival of Lights transforms the Grotto into a magical place where twinkling lights and joyful songs guide your way. The plaza tent will
host puppet shows and story time at the beginning of every hour, followed by the Grotto Carolers and their merry tunes towards the end of each hour. Don’t miss the Chapel of Mary’s “cathedral-like acoustics” with nightly performances from local choirs. There’s just something about holiday music that really brightens up our dark, wintery nights. The Grotto (Multiple dates between Nov 29–Dec 30) SL
Ural Thomas and the Pain: Ural’s 85th Birthday Celebration
Having opened for and worked with musicians like Etta James, Otis Redding, James Brown, and Stevie Wonder, local legend Ural Thomas has been performing for nearly seven decades. However, much of Thomas’ music has been recorded in the last decade with his nine-piece band the Pain. This December, Thomas and co. will move and groove into his 85th year with a special birthday celebration. They’ll likely play songs from their latest album, Dancing Dimensions, which blends a range of genres from “sweet Chicago soul to airy West Coast psychedelia to Sly funk.” Revolution Hall (Sat Dec 21) AV
Winter Wonderland
If you’re the type of person who drives your family and friends around to different neighborhoods trying to find the best holiday light displays, this one’s for you. Winter Wonderland once again takes over the racetrack with hundreds of lighted set pieces that you can view from the warmth of your car. And if cars aren’t your thing, you can “Bike the Lights” on December 1, or bring your four-legged
nog on? The Portland Mercury and EverOut have you covered with our Holiday Drink Week, a new annual tradition that debuted last year. And the best part? They’re only EIGHT BUCKS! For one week only, you’ll find a variety of exclusive holiday-themed drink specials at participating bars and restaurants around town. Why not round up some friends and head out on a self-guided booze tour? One thing’s for certain: These won’t be your ordinary cups of cheer. Various locations(December 2–8) JB
A John Waters Christmas
John Waters, who shall henceforth be known as the “anti-Santa,” will glide his perverse sleigh into Portland for more Christmas twistedness and holiday jeers. Last year’s performance was appropriately filthy—he pulled “celebrity blow-up dolls,” “yuletide diseases with booster shots that actually get you high,” and “kindergarten detention drag shows in Florida” out of his big red sack. He might stomp on your perfectly wrapped presents again this year, but this evening with the cult filmmaker is perfect for those on the holiday-averse end of the spectrum. If you’ve been naughty, Waters encourages you to lean into it. Aladdin Theater(Dec 5–6) LC
and new, including tracks from their new EP, Rosemary Hill Wonder Ballroom(Sat Dec 7) AV
ScanFair
The one good thing about winter in the PNW: it’s prime hygge season. Shop from over 100 vendors of cozy Scandinavian goods while enjoying traditional food and drink like æbleskiver (Danish pancakes), kanelbullar (cinnamon buns), and wienerbrod (which is actually a laminated pastry and involves no sausage). There will be live entertainment including folk music, a Lucia Court procession, and meatball and pickled herring eating contests. You can even go on a scavenger hunt to find all the hidden gnomes or get your picture taken with Joulupukki (the Finnish Santa Claus) and his reindeer Oskar. Oregon Convention Center (Dec 7–8) SL
Peacock Lane
friends to the “Lights and Leashes” dog walk nights on December 2 and 3. All proceeds from the event will benefit the Sunshine Division, a local nonprofit that works year-round to provide food and clothing to families in need. Portland International Raceway (Every day, from Nov 29–Dec 31) SL
Black Nativity
Written by innovative playwright, poet, and social activist Langston Hughes, Black Nativity first premiered in 1961 and was one of the first off-Broadway plays composed by an African American person. This interpretation of the gospel play will be presented by PassinArt, an African American theater company that interpreted the bluesy, Pulitzer-nominated play Seven Guitars. The production will blend nativity storytelling, dance, and traditional Christmas carols with brand-new songs, and it’s directed by Jerry Foster, who has previously helped direct the Juneteenth and Kwanzaa Celebrations for the North Portland library and the Peace Festival for Black Women for Peace. Brunish Theatre (Every Thurs–Sun, from Nov 29–Dec 15) LINDSAY COSTELLO
The Portland Mercury’s Holiday Drink Week 2024
‘Tis the season for warming wintry libations, from mulled wine to spiked cocoa. Ready to get your
Portland Holiday Brew Fest
Are visions of stouts and porters dancing in your head? Bundle up in your most voluminous puffer jacket and get cozy at this heated, covered festival at Pioneer Courthouse Square. You’ll get to taste over 25 wintry beers and ciders from across the Northwest beneath a giant illuminated Christmas tree, while vinyl DJs set the festive mood. Hearty cold-weather food will also be available for purchase. Pioneer Courthouse Square(Dec 6–8) JB
Sixpence None The Richer
Listening to “Kiss Me” feels like drinking an Italian soda—the soft, opening guitar strums like a mouthful of decadent whipped cream, Leigh Nash’s vocals like sweet strawberry syrup, and the addictive chorus like fizzy bubbles. It’s no wonder that song has had countless pop culture moments, such as appearing on soundtracks like the 1999 rom-com She’s All That and my favorite teen drama Dawson’s Creek, and most recently, enjoying a resurgence on TikTok. Sixpence None The Richer might be the only Christian pop band that doesn’t suck. The band will return to Portland this winter to celebrate their 25th anniversary with material old
Since 1926, Portland’s very own “Christmas street” has gone all out with holiday decor. These days, visitors can expect to see dazzling twinkle lights and nostalgic characters (Rudolph, R2D2, and the Peanuts gang are known to make appearances) among the row of tidy Tudor homes. Stroll down Peacock Lane to admire the festive dwellings up close (and expect to move at a glacial pace—the sidewalks will be filled with revelers). On select dates, you can also elect to stay toasty in the car and drive down the lane. There’s often a cocoa and cider stand set up to lift your spirits even further. Peacock Lane(Dec 15–31) LC
Matt Rogers: The Prince of Christmas Tour
I am a regular listener of the Las Culturistas podcast—a “Reader” to be exact (IYKYK)—so, the fact that America’s sweetheart Matt Rogers is returning to Portland feels like a true Christmas miracle. If you know anything about his podcast with Bowen Yang, then you know that Rogers loves many things, including indie pop sapphics MUNA and Christmastime—so it only makes sense that his debut album, Have You Heard of Christmas, is dedicated to the holiday season (and features a song with MUNA). He will perform mirthful songs from the album like “Hottest Female Up In Whoville” along with tender yuletide ballads like “I Don’t Need It To Be Christmas At All.” Aladdin Theater (Wed Dec 18) AV
The Winter Market
If you’re the type of shopper who thinks malls are the most uninspired places to find a unique gift, The Winter Market is determined to prove you wrong. Lloyd Center has gone through an indierenaissance over the last few years, and now it’s giving you the chance to support small businesses as you check folks off your shopping list and munch on a box of Joe Brown’s Carmel Corn. We’re all about multitasking here, baby! Before you get down to business, take a twirl around Lloyd Center’s iconic ice rink, which sports a giant Christmas tree centerpiece for the holiday season. We hear Santa will be in attendance, too. Lloyd Center (Dec 19–22) JW
The Jinkx & DeLa Holiday Show
Jinkx Monsoon, the “internationally tolerated Jewish narcoleptic drag queen,” and BenDeLaCreme, the sugary sweet RuPaul’s Drag Race icon, will bring their unique blend of bubbly effervescence and quirky realness to the stage for this holiday dragstravaganza. The pair plan to show off their sleigh and share why they’re the true queens of Christmas cheer, which already seems undebatable. The show will return to town after a wildly successful run last year; expect brand-new songs and a healthy dash of spectacle. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall (Sun Dec 29) LC
with flashy western wear (handmade by Jenny herself). The troupe pulls inspiration from classic country greats like Patsy Cline and Hank Williams, following suit with the same level of rawness and sincerity. Like-minded cowboys Jacob Weldon and White Lightning Co. will open. Now can I get a “yee-haw”?! Mississippi Studios (Tues Dec 31) AV ■
Savage Love
BY DAN SAVAGE
Quickies
This debate is raging again, Dan, and we need you to issue a ruling: Do straight women belong in gay bars?
Some (straight women, gay bars), not all (straight women, gay bars).
Why do men keep ghosting me after sex? I’m a 25-year-old woman.
No clue. You could’ve had a string of bad luck—and fucked a dozen (or more) shitty guys in a row—or it could be something you’re doing wrong. Even if you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, once you’ve noticed a pattern of behavior and/or results that makes you unhappy, it’s a good idea to make some changes. Try meeting di erent kinds of guys in di erent kinds of ways, try slowing your roll/hole, etc., and take time along the way to engage in constructive introspection and make further changes/ course corrections, as needed.
ners, I don’t see why we would hesitate to use the same toys—after cleaning—with a new partner. Seeing as you can literally drop a silicone sex toy in a pot of boiling water for ten minutes to sterilize it between uses/partners, using the same sex toys with new partners is safer than using the same tongue/dick/pussy with new partners.
Do all straight men secretly want something up the ass?
Considering that not all gay men want something up the ass—not tongues, not dicks, not toys—I feel pretty confident saying not all straight men want something up the ass. What’s di erent now is that straight men who do want something up the ass are less likely to feel shame and more likely to ask randos, FWBs, sex workers, romantic partners, spouses, etc., to put something up their asses.
How do you stop wanting what you can’t have?
By focusing on something you can have—or someone you can have—and willing yourself to believe you wanted the something/ someone you could have just as much or more than you wanted the something/someone you couldn’t get.
I’m a 35-year-old married transgender man. I started my transition when I was in my 20s. My wife is 100% straight. I’ve recently started being open about being queer and being attracted to men. As I get older, I keep finding myself longing to fuck a cis man. At times it’s the only thought that gets me turned on. I’ve been married for ten years. My wife is pretty uptight. Open relationships and ENM is NOT an option. What do I do? Suck it up?
You also three options: honor the monogamous commitment you made (and suck it the fuck up), dishonor the monogamous commitment you made (and risk getting caught), or issue an ultimatum and demand some degree of openness (and risk getting divorced). I wish there were another op -
tion—people write every day hoping that I’ll find a magical fourth option that doesn’t involve going without, becoming a cheating piece of shit, or issuing painful ultimatums that could blow up their marriages—but there are only these three options.
My wife lost all interest in sex ten years ago but insists I remain monogamous. Arguments often end with her angrily saying, “No one owes you sex.” What can I say in response to that?
“No one owes you celibacy.”
Just went exclusive with a new partner last night and this morning an old sexy fling hit me up. For fuck’s sake! What do I do?
If a single text message from a long-ago fling was all it took to make you regret going exclusive with a new partner less than 24 hours ago… it was mistake to go exclusive with your new partner.
A friend drunkenly confessed having feelings for me. This person happens to be a close childhood friend’s ex-partner. We actually met through my childhood friend. Part of me feels giddy about this confession (I like this person!), but I would never want to hurt or betray my childhood friend. Should I tell my childhood friend what happened and seek their blessing? Or should I distance myself from the friend that confessed feelings?
If you wanna date this person, you should date this person. You should give your close childhood friend a heads up—as a courtesy—but your childhood friend doesn’t have an actual veto and, if they’re a good friend, they won’t try to exercise an imaginary veto.
What’s the best way to find a loaf of gay bread and make a fuck sandwich? Gay guy here who wants to be the meat in one.
My single gay friends constantly complain to
me—of all people—that they never meet single-and-available guys online or out in bars. All they meet are partnered guys in open relationships and/or couples seeking thirds for an evening, a weekend, or a lifetime. So, finding that loaf of gay bread—finding a gay couple seeking meat—shouldn’t be that hard. Get on the apps, go the bars.
His libido is much lower than mine. Could this work over the long term? I feel rejected.
If you were feeling deprived, opening the relationship up could resolve those feelings, since being with your partner wouldn’t mean you were deprived of sex (if you can find it elsewhere), which would allow the relationship—barring other issues—to work over the long term. But if what you’re feeling is rejected, opening things up is unlikely to make you feel better in the short or long term, since your primary partner wouldn’t be any more interested in fucking you than they already are.
I’m a mid-thirties gay male. I was previously married to a woman for ten years and we were monogamous the whole time and had a pretty normal sex life. But as soon as I had gay sex, it felt natural to me. My biggest concern is that I get so in my head when I have sex with men, especially when it comes to topping. This often results in me losing my erection. Viagra and Cialis helped, but there are still times when I lose my erection. How do I enjoy the moment if I’m constantly worried I’ll lose my erection?
By telling yourself you can enjoy the moment—and the man—even if you don’t have an erection.
Is it okay to use the same sex toys you’ve used with your ex when you’re with a new person?
Seeing as we use the same mouths, tongues, fingers, dicks and pussies with new part-
I started dating a guy seven months ago and three months in we were arguing constantly. Every time something went wrong, he would say he was done with me, and I would block him. Then he would text me from a di erent number, claim he didn’t mean it, and tell me he loved me. What should I do?
Stop falling for it/him.
Husband is flirty with a trans male friend. Do I let him have a free pass? We’re not open currently.
You could o er your husband a free pass— but don’t be surprised if he declines to use it. Sometimes people in closed relationships flirt because they know they can’t, not because they wish they could.
Is it rude to ask to borrow a hookup’s douche if you’re out of town and not prepared?
Perhaps—but since shitting on someone’s dick would be far ruder, you should err on the side of asking to use their douche.
Any tips for mind-blowing blowjobs?
I’ve never shared “mind-blowing tips” because, when it comes to sex, one person’s mind-blowing sex move is another person’s worst sexual experience of all time. Mind-blowing sex only happens when two (or more) people with basic levels of sexual competence communicate with each other (or the group) about what they wanna do or have done to them and what they wanna try or are willing to try.
P.S. The best blowjob is 25-50% handjob.
Can I eat ass and pussy in the same session?
You can, you shouldn’t. ■
GOT PROBLEMS? YES, YOU DO!
Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love
