Chapter 1
Luna
“So, you’re going to be guarding the pack tonight. Must be frustrating. To not be able to go find your mate, I mean.”
I leaned against the fence and eyed Sam and Nate. The twins arched identical blond brows at me. “Not as frustrating as it is to be stuck indoors. Isn’t that right?”
I whined, knowing they’d seen right through me, but unable to help myself. “It’s just not fair. Why do I have to hide from the chaos? Can’t I just witness it, even if I can’t participate?”
Nate rolled his eyes at me and poked my shoulder. “Don’t be like that, pup. You know it’s too dangerous. Besides, you just have to wait a few years longer, and then you’ll be free too.”
I sighed, but nodded glumly. “I know. I just wish things were different that’s all.”
Every year, like clockwork, in the first week of summer, the chaos hit. Darkness fell over the valley, a thick veil of shadow completely hiding the sun from view. The moon alone shone through, a beacon of hope and promise that lit our way and guided us to our destinies.
No one knew why and how the chaos had appeared, but we did know how it affected us. It allowed us to track down our true mates,
clearing our senses and opening our eyes to things we would have otherwise missed. It was only during this special time we could find the people who belonged by our side.
The chaos mostly affected adult werewolves, because they were the ones looking for their mates. I’d always been fascinated by it. When the darkness appeared over the valley, a strange warmth bubbled in my chest, like a promise and a dream.
It was already dusk and the tension in the air screamed that the chaos would hit soon. I desperately wanted to share the experience. But it just wasn’t going to happen and there was no point in sulking over it. Nate and Sam were right and I shouldn’t be bringing the mood down with my silliness. Besides, they had better things to do than cheer me up. “I’m sorry. Here I am, pestering you with my complaints.”
“You’re not pestering us, Luna,” Sam replied. “If you ever do, we’ll throw you in the river, like we used to.”
I stuck out my tongue at him. They were four years older than me, but even so, they’d been my friends for as long as I could remember. Ever since I’d been a pup, I’d waddled after them, cheering them on in their lessons or dragging them along to play with me. Their parents had died in a Firewolf attack, and they’d been left with no family, to be raised by the pack. It wasn’t unusual, but they’d always struck me as so lonely.
My brother always rolled his eyes when he saw us together, muttering something about bossy females under his breath. I always ignored him, because I didn’t care what he thought. Nate and Sam
were my friends, and I’d wanted to be there for them. It was as easy as that.
I’d have liked to spend more time with them, but I didn’t get the chance. A familiar lupine form was already heading our way from the settlement. It was Andrea, and she was not pleased. “Luna, pup, you shouldn’t be here,” she said when she reached us. “You’re too young to be outside during the chaos. Besides, Samuel and Nathaniel are guards. You shouldn’t be distracting them.”
Andrea wasn’t an Alpha or a Beta, but her position as a healer gave her some authority regular wolves didn’t have. It wasn’t unusual for my father to leave her in charge of me, since threequarters of the time, he didn’t know what to do with a female pup.
I cared about her, but I was still frustrated that she’d interrupted my exchange with my friends. “I wasn’t distracting them.”
“Yes, you were. But it doesn’t matter anymore. Come along now.”
Irritated, I shot my friends one last look and said, “Be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“We won’t,” Sam promised. “Now go. We’ll see you after the chaos passes.”
I shifted into my lupine form and together with Andrea, headed into the settlement. The fog was already rolling in as she shepherded me into her hut. The sky soon went completely dark, the last remnants of light swallowed by the heavy veil of the chaos. The crimson moon appeared above us, its rays reaching out to us like ghostly fingers.
I whined and leaned against the window, wagging my tail in a mix of excitement and anxiety. “Can’t I at least go outside for a little
while? Come on, Andrea. Please.”
Andrea snapped her jaws at me in warning. “No, pup. Your father left me in charge of you, and I take my responsibilities very seriously. Now get away from the window.”
With a disgruntled rumble, I shifted into my humanoid form and padded back to my bed. Andrea was right, but still, I couldn’t help but feel an ache inside me, something I couldn’t shake.
I wondered what Nate and Sam were doing. Next year, they’d be joining the hunt for a mate too. The thought was strangely irritating. I didn’t want them to run off and leave me behind. Why did everyone insist on treating me like a pup anyway? I was almost fourteen now. I’d gone through my first shift years ago, and I’d never had any problems. I shouldn’t be stuck inside with Andrea, like I had been ever since I was a little girl.
But that was my father’s decision, and I couldn’t go against my Alpha’s orders. “I can’t wait to grow up and find my mate too,” I told Andrea as I sat down on the bed.
Andrea made her way to my side. Unlike me, she was still in her wolf form, and I found that a little disconcerting. Whenever she was around me, she stayed in her human form—a natural consequence of her position as the pack’s healer. But disconcerting or not, when she crawled into bed and curled against me, the chaos’s touch became more indistinct. “You’re going to have a wonderful mate, Luna,” Andrea said, and I understood her easily even if she wasn’t speaking like a human. “I’m sure of it. You’ll grow up into a beautiful wolf. All the males will want to have pups with you. But for the
moment, you don’t have to think about that. Just relax, and enjoy your puphood.”
I’d enjoyed my puphood plenty when I’d actually been a pup, and far more when I wasn’t stuck indoors. Then again, maybe Andrea had been right when she’d told me this was necessary. All of a sudden, the sound of a loud howl echoed outside our hut, and it didn’t seem very kind or welcoming.
Chaos nights were always loud, as everyone came together and howled at the full moon. Sometimes, when I closed my eyes, I could almost hear packs from all over the valley doing the same. I knew I was imagining it, but it felt real.
This was different. There was something vicious and threatening about that howl, something that had nothing to do with the chaos.
Andrea tensed and jumped off the bed, taking up position between me and the door. “No matter what you do, pup, stay behind me. If I tell you to run, do it and don’t question it.”
I nodded, beginning to feel increasingly dazed. “What’s going on, Andrea?”
“I don’t know, but whatever it is, it’s bad.”
I didn’t realize how right Andrea was until the door splintered, and my brother rushed into Andrea’s small cottage. His eyes were glowing an ominous crimson. I’d never seen anything like it before. When he growled at Andrea, his fur almost seemed to stand on end. What the hell was going on? I’d spoken with Stuart only a few hours ago, and he’d been fine. He’d been excited about the chaos and had promised to find a mate, someone who could make our family whole.
“I know you still miss Mother,” he’d said, “but when I find a female, things will get better. You’ll get another sister, pups to play with. It’ll be great.”
Even my father had been optimistic about Stuart’s prospects at finding a mate. So far, Stuart hadn’t been successful, but he’d believed he might have a good chance in the human settlements.
That optimism and warmth had completely faded today, leaving behind only savagery. “He’s gone feral!” Andrea howled. “Take cover, pup!”
I obeyed, shifting into my lupine form once again and hiding under the table. By the time I reached my hiding spot, Stuart had already attacked Andrea.
It was a very one-sided battle. Andrea was no fighter, whereas Stuart was an Alpha wolf, meant to take over the pack once our father grew too weak to hold the position. Still Andrea was stubborn. She howled when Stuart dug his fangs into her shoulder, but she fought back. When they went down together, with Stuart on top of her, she clawed at his exposed belly with her hind legs and did her best to bite his snout and his ears.
Blood splattered all over the floor of the small cottage. The coppery, metallic scent replaced the smell of the herbs Andrea liked to use in her healing practices. Terrified, I curled into a ball, wishing I could help Andrea in some way, but unable to make a single move.
Andrea’s thick fur protected her a little from my brother’s attack, but it was nowhere near enough. It didn’t take Stuart long to get a grip on Andrea’s throat and practically bury his fangs in her jugular.
If he moved now, he would rip her throat out and kill her. I’d seen wolves who’d died from wounds like that, usually after battles with the Firewolves. I’d never thought I’d witness such a thing myself, least of all with my brother being the attacker.
The knowledge gave me a strength I hadn’t known I’d possessed. I launched myself at my brother, landing on his back and trying to get him to snap out of it.
I knew better than to think I could hurt him, but my brother loved me. He had to fight off this temporary insanity. Whatever had happened to him, he could recover. He didn’t want to harm Andrea. I had to save them both.
I wildly overestimated my ability to get through to him, but my efforts weren’t futile either. He released his hold on Andrea’s throat with less violence than I’d expected. Andrea was still bleeding badly and she lay limp against the floor, no longer able to fight him.
But that was about the only good thing that came of it. Stuart threw me off like I was only a bothersome fly, and I hit the wall so hard I felt some bones crack. Pain exploded over me as my body struggled to heal me. But my werewolf instincts didn’t fail me. I got up, knowing the threat wasn’t over yet.
I shouldn’t have bothered. Stuart left Andrea where she was and walked up to me, pinning me with furious, evil eyes. “Stupid pup.”
My brother licked his snout, and strands of bloodied saliva dripped to the floor. “Did you really think you could challenge your Alpha?”
The look in his eyes utterly paralyzed me. I didn’t know if he could recognize me or not, but in about ten seconds, it wouldn’t
matter. He might have left Andrea alive, but he was going to kill me in her stead.
My instincts of self-preservation were screaming at me, telling me to flee, to take refuge somewhere. But I just couldn’t do it. Every muscle in my body seized up. The sheer intensity of his presence reminded me of the orders my father had given me using the Alpha Command.
“Please,”I mentally howled.“Pleasedon’tkillme.Iwanttolive.”
I wanted to run with the pack too, once I was older. I wanted to feel the embrace of the chaos properly. I wanted to find a mate and maybe have pups, like Andrea had said.
But Stuart didn’t care about that. He pounced toward me, ready to tear me apart.
That was when everything changed. Through the splintered door, two other wolves burst in. Their fur was a warm gold, almost as unusual as my own silvery one. Nate and Sam. My friends had come for me. Why were they here, now of all times? How had they guessed I was in trouble? I didn’t know, but I was very grateful.
Nate crashed straight into my brother, while Sam grabbed me by the scruff and pulled me out of harm’s way. It was difficult, but even at my age, I was still fairly small for a wolf, so he managed to carry me. He set me down just outside, his entire body vibrating with suppressed violence. “Run, pup!”
I should have listened to him. I should have fled. But a power that reminded me of the chaos kept me from doing so. Instead, I peered through the open door, back into the cottage.
My brother was facing off against the two golden wolves. He was a little older than them, and that showed in his size. But he was also furious, and that made him lash out blindly. He was reckless, and unlike Andrea, Sam and Nate were fast enough to dodge his attacks.
They clawed at each other, tearing into one another with savage fury. Sam and Nate fought as if they were one wolf in two bodies, their fluid motions so different from my brother’s jerky ones. Before long, they had Stuart cornered, bleeding from several wounds.
The injuries weren’t serious enough to incapacitate Stuart. They were already healing. And normally, that would have been a good thing. But not today, not during the chaos. Stuart refused to give up and attacked again.
My body still hurt after being tossed around by my brother, but I had to go get someone. There was just one problem with that. Who was I supposed to turn to? My father? I didn’t think he was in the settlement at all. He spent the chaos on the shores of the lake, mourning my mother’s memory. I couldn’t get there, not in my condition.
It didn’t really matter. As Sam and Nate clashed with Stuart again, they pursued their advantage. The chaos took over. Sam and Nate went feral too. All of a sudden, they were a blur of fur and anger, and I couldn’t distinguish what was happening anymore.
Stuart whined in pain, and blood splattered all over the floor. The sound was cut off when Nate finally pinned my brother down. Just like Stuart had done earlier with Andrea, Nate buried his fangs into his opponent’s throat. This time, though, I no longer had the
strength to intervene. I let out a loud howl of protest, anyway. “Don’t! Please!”
Stuart might have attacked me, but he was still my brother and I loved him. And maybe Nate understood that because he let go.
He still clawed Stuart’s side open, tearing into muscles and tendons with ease. By the time he and Sam were done, Stuart lay on the floor in a bloody heap, powerless and unconscious.
Of course, it was at that exact moment—when it was too late— that reinforcements finally showed up. One of my father’s betas, Ellery Duncan, must have heard the ruckus. He rushed past me, followed by a contingent of guards led by Abbott and Dana, two of the older wolves in our pack. They were all in their humanoid forms and carrying their werewolf hunting gear.
Everyone froze when they saw what had happened. “Samuel?” Ellery asked. “Nathaniel? What have you done?”
Sam and Nate looked between my brother’s unconscious form and Ellery. They blinked several times, as if they couldn’t understand the question.
“I… We…”
“Did you just kill Stuart and Andrea?” Abbott asked in disbelief.
At that, I found my voice and more or less crawled to Ellery’s side, tugging on his pants. “They were trying to protect me. SStuart… I don’t know what happened. He just went crazy.”
The others finally seemed to notice me. Ellery dropped to his knees and picked me up, sweeping his hand through my bloodstained fur. “Luna? Fuck, what did they do to you?”
I flinched at his touch. My body was trying to heal me, but it was slow-going. Something wasn’t right, I just knew it. But I had to make it clear that none of this had been Sam and Nate’s fault. Ellery had ignored my words the first time around. I needed to try again.
“Beta Duncan, please. They did nothing wrong.”
“Yes, they did, but that’s not something you should worry about. You need to rest and heal.”
Ellery couldn’t give me Alpha Commands like my father, but his voice still held enough authority that I almost complied. If I didn’t, it was out of sheer stubbornness, because I needed Ellery to understand this simple truth.
“They tried to save me from Stuart. It was Stuart who…”
Another ripple of pain shot through me. Every single muscle in my body screamed in protest. I finished the sentence anyway. “It was Stuart who hurt me.”
If Ellery heard me, he didn’t show it. “Get them,” he shouted at the other wolves. “Capture them!”
I couldn’t argue with him any longer. Instead, I looked at Sam and Nate, willing them to flee. As our gazes connected, something clicked at the back of my mind. The two golden wolves hesitated, but seemed to understand what I wanted.
Abbott and Dana lifted their guns first, but they never got the chance to shoot. Sam and Nate turned away from us and leaped through the window, outside. The others tried to go after them, but somehow, I knew it would be pointless.
The twins were gone. They were safe. But as I closed my eyes, I knew I wouldn’t be so lucky.
Samuel
Stuart Clayton was dead. I knew that from the moment we left Andrea’s hut. I tasted blood and fury in my mouth, but no regret. He’d deserved what he’d gotten for attacking his own sister, for attacking Luna.
The Alpha’s daughter had always been special for everyone in the Wolfsbane pack, and often, not in a good way. She didn’t seem to realize it, but everyone spoke in hushed murmurs about her silver fur. Some called her blessed by the moon. Others argued it was a curse.
We’d known better. We’d known her fur wasn’t what made her beautiful. The pack had been there for us after our parents had died, but with Luna, it had been different. She’d attached herself to us and made sure we never forgot we were more than just a part of a pack. We were important as individuals, too.
She was the only one who’d ever been able to tell the difference between Nate and me. Even our parents had had trouble from time to time. Biologically, we were so alike that our scents were identical.
But Luna always knew, and she always stayed by our side. And because of that, we’d always known we had to protect her.
Her brother had treasured her and had always stood up for her. He’d seemed to love her. But maybe that hadn’t been exactly true, because the chaos had unleashed dark impulses inside him. And now, he was dead, because Nate and I had killed him.
The only thing that grated on me was the fact that we had to flee. My self-preservation instincts were screaming at me. Run. Get away. Escape. My brother felt the same, although, unlike me, he actually had a plan.
“The Badlands,” he said. “we can take refuge there, at least for now.”
I agreed with the idea, but something gave me pause. “Wait. We can’t just leave Luna.”
Nate faltered. We hid behind a rock, catching our breaths for a moment. “I know,” he replied. “But… As much as I want to go back after her, I don’t think that will go over too well.”
“We have done nothing wrong,” I told him, snapping my jaw.
“Do you think the Alpha will believe that?” he asked. “Luna tried to defend us, and the Beta ignored her.”
“He’ll see the truth, eventually. Besides, some things matter more than others.”
Nate nodded. “And that’s exactly why we need to go. If we don’t… They’ll kill us. They might even kill her.”
The Wolfsbane Pack might pretend they were tamer than the Firewolves, but we all knew the truth. There was a reason no one
talked about what had happened with the Alpha’s mate, and it wasn’t just because he was grief-stricken.
“I want to go back for her too,” Nate added. “But Sam, she’s only fourteen and she’s injured. We can’t take care of her out here in the wild. We’re not what she needs.”
A pang of shame and anguish rushed through me at his words. The weight of the chaos was still making my mind fuzzy. A part of me wanted to go back to the pack, to help Luna. But yes, she was so very young, and we… We couldn’t…
Couldn’t what? I didn’t know, but I felt increasingly nauseated. Nate nipped my shoulder and his presence anchored me. “Come on. They’re after us. We have to go, or they’ll catch up.”
I didn’t argue with him again. There was nothing else I could say, nothing that would make a difference. What was the point in pretending, anyway? Returning to the pack was out of the question. We’d killed the Alpha’s heir, and no matter what reason we’d had for it, that would never change.
In the distance, the waters of the Bloodmoon Lake glittered ominously. I took in its bright shimmer, marveling at how well it suited the blood now staining my fur. Up above, in the sky, the moon was shining, bright and cold, its crimson rays guiding our fellow shifters to their mates.
But we would not be so lucky. Today, we would leave our past behind, but we wouldn’t find our future. We would only find death and a barren wasteland.
With a heavy heart, I suppressed all the emotions rampaging inside me. Together with my brother, I started running again,
heading toward the Badlands. I didn’t know when we would return, but I prayed with all my might that until that day came, Luna would be all right.
Rowan
“It’s coming. It’s going to be here soon.”
I shared a look with my brother and smiled, finding my excitement mirrored in his eyes. “Yeah. Do you think you’ll get lucky this year?”
Rufus laughed. “No idea. Maybe. We can only hope. But we have enough wolves that at least some of them will find their mates. By next year, the pack will have more pups.”
“Maybe some of them will be ours, eh?”
“That’s right.”
We’d already gathered underneath the Great Tree in the center of our pack settlement. Now, we just had to wait. And we didn’t have to do so for much longer. Slowly, but surely, the fog rolled in and utter darkness covered the sky. The moon shone brightly above us, the crimson light making the distant waters of Bloodmoon Lake look eerier than ever. Following my instincts, I shifted into my wolf form, dropping down on four paws.
I could already feel my body respond to the chaos, my senses sharpening and every single inch of me vibrating with intense, carnal awareness. Our prey was waiting. I looked forward to hunting down my female, to bringing her here, to breeding her and watching her swell with my pups. The chaos would guide me to her. I was sure of it.
By my side, my brother and the other members of my pack were doing the same. I ignored them. Rufus was my Alpha, but I couldn’t have cared less about his authority. Tonight, the Firewolves were all on their own. The Alpha would never stand in the way of the chaos’s voice, so we would all head in different directions, depending on where we were being summoned.
Rufus let out a deafening howl, and our pack joined in, our voices reaching out to the chaos, making reverberations of its power echo through us. And just like that, the hunt was on. Leaving everything and everyone else behind, I embraced the power of darkness and fully surrendered to my instincts.
The world became a blur, individual objects fading away as my focus lined up to one goal alone. The leaves of the scattered trees rustled in the wind, birds chirped in a mix of alarm and excitement, and the ground itself vibrated with a strange form of sentience. Everything was so much clearer to me, and yet, somehow fuzzy, as if irrelevant. The only thing that was truly important was her, my female, my mate.
She was close. I knew she was. I could feel her. But there was something in the way, a barrier that was keeping us apart. Snarling,
I pushed myself harder, running faster. In the distance, I could glimpse the lands of the Wolfsbane Pack.
Firewolves avoided encroaching on the borders of our neighboring pack. We didn’t fear them, but there was a reason the pack carried that name. It regularly used weapons and poisons that specifically targeted our weaknesses. They didn’t always resort to silver, but they turned to it far more often than other packs. In some regions of the valley, silver was a highly regulated substance, but the Wolfsbanes hadn’t let that stop them. And they had other tricks up their sleeves, dangerous poisons almost as lethal as silver. There had been plenty of skirmishes in the past, with losses on both sides, so we tried to keep our distance, whenever it was possible at least.
Right now, I couldn’t have cared less. Let them attack me if they felt so brave. Their tricks and games meant nothing to me. I would tear them all apart before they could even make a move. Nobody would stop me from getting to my mate.
Or so I thought. The two werewolves came out of nowhere, cutting me off before I could reach my destination. They were slightly smaller than me, their fur an unusual light color. Determination and fury glinted in their golden eyes. Based on the blood already staining their thick coat, they’d already gotten into a fight tonight, and the other party hadn’t come out the victor. “Leave, Firewolf,” one of the wolves snarled at me. “We won’t tell you twice.”
“Once is more than enough,” I growled back. “You’ll die tonight, for daring to stand in my way.”
“Stronger wolves than you have tried to kill us. Do your worst.”
Even if I hadn’t already intended to attack them, the challenge alone would have pissed me off enough to change that. With a furious howl, I lunged forward. They met me halfway, not even bothering to dodge my first attack. Their eyes glowed with the feral bloodlust the chaos sometimes induced. I smelled the blood on their fur and wondered who they’d killed today. It would have been nice to know who I’d be avenging.
As our bodies clashed, pain rushed through me, the bones cracking at the impact. The three of us were all thrown back, but none of us showed any sign of weakness or discomfort. I was already healing, and so were my opponents.
There was a desperate savagery in the way they were moving, as if they were being chased by a phantom, something more powerful than the chaos itself. But that didn’t intimidate me. My need to find my mate went beyond anything the golden wolves could have ever experienced.
I wouldn’t be able to truly identify her until we met face to face, and our bond was still clouded and incomplete. But the chaos was guiding my senses, pointing me in the right direction. The golden wolves were in my way, but not for long.
I attacked them again, and this time, they ducked. They tried to use my momentum against me, and it sort of worked. One of them jumped on top of me and buried his fangs in my shoulder. But I wouldn’t let them defeat me. I forced myself to reverse the shift, dislodging the golden wolf’s grip on me.
My opponent twisted in the air and landed on all fours. He stared up at me, obviously surprised by my choice. But he recovered
quickly enough and shifted as well, perhaps acknowledging the versatility of our humanoid form.
In this shape, the man’s golden eyes and hair were even more striking. “That was a nice trick,” he said, “but you won’t get away from us so easily.”
The other wolf decided to stay in his lupine form. That put me at a disadvantage, since it allowed them to anticipate most of my moves.
But the wolves were younger than I was, not even full adults. They couldn’t hold their own against me. They were stronger than they seemed, but they couldn’t compare to an Alpha from the Savage bloodline.
I didn’t usually embrace my true bloodlust, since it was much too dangerous and I could very easily lose control of it. But during the chaos, I couldn’t care less about the risks. These two pups had dared to stand between me and my mate. They had to be punished.
My vision went a little foggy and crimson around the edges. Feral anger exploded over me, and I lunged at them again, even faster than before.
They didn’t shy away from my attack. Maybe they realized they couldn’t do it. Trying to would just leave them extra vulnerable, since there was no way for them to escape me now.
This time, when our bodies collided, my momentum was stronger, and they were the ones forced back. One of the golden wolves fell closer to me and I took advantage of the opening to pounce on him. Just as I was about to tear his throat out, his sibling jumped on me, his entire body vibrating with fury and madness.
We surrendered to our insanity and the bloodshed. At one point, I heard someone howling, but I couldn’t tell if I was the one doing it, or if it was another wolf. Or maybe it wasn’t a fellow shifter at all. Maybe it was the chaos itself, reaching into me and clawing me open.
I poured my anguish and frustrations into my battle with the golden wolves. I felt their claws digging into my flesh even as I tore theirs apart. Our bones cracked repeatedly and our organs protested the abuse.
We might have actually killed one another, but that was when I felt another group of werewolves approach. The golden wolves and I fell back, just in time to avoid a shower of bullets.
I took cover behind a rock and looked around. The guards of the Wolfsbane Pack were coming, and there were a lot of them, far more than I’d expected. Between them and the golden wolves, my situation looked grim. Wolfsbanes used a lot of long distance weaponry, and I was already hurt because of my fight with the golden wolves.
But my first opponents didn’t seem inclined to help the new arrivals. I’d thought the golden wolves were Wolfsbanes too, but maybe I’d been wrong, because slowly, they backed away.
“There’s nowhere to hide,” one of the Wolfsbane guards shouted. “Come quietly, and Alpha Clayton might grant you some mercy.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about, but in the end, it didn’t matter. There were far stronger forces at work here than anything the Wolfsbane Pack could bring forth.
As the other wolves approached, the fog thickened. It became hard to see, and that was an advantage for me, since it hindered the aim of the Wolfsbanes. If things had been different, I’d have attacked them. Even if I was vastly outnumbered, I didn’t care. But the pulsing feeling that pulled me to my mate vanished—and with it, so did the golden wolves.
It was so disconcerting that for a few seconds, I couldn’t move or think at all. I just lay there, still hiding behind the rock, protected by the heavy mist. And then, the sensation passed, and I was left only with the emptiness, with the knowledge that I’d lost my chance at something great.
A bullet hit me in the shoulder, and that was when I realized that despite the mist, the Wolfsbanes could still see me. The chaos couldn’t protect me if I just sat there like a fucking statue. Pain exploded through me, but I welcomed it. It gave me clarity. Through it, I finally remembered myself and chased away the fuzziness that had settled over my brain.
Turning away from the Wolfsbanes, I retreated into the mist. I couldn’t stay here any longer. I must have been wrong when I’d sensed my mate in this area. I would keep searching for her. Maybe I wouldn’t find her this time, but I wouldn’t give up, no matter what stood in my way. Eventually, the chaos would guide me to my other half.
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CHAPTER XXIII
T forest was again under snow, lying silent beneath its deep white mantle. Only the crows’ calls could be heard. Now and then came a magpie’s noisy chattering. The soft twittering of the tit-mice sounded timidly. Then the frost hardened and everything grew still. The air began to hum with the cold.
One morning a dog’s baying broke the silence.
It was a continuous hurrying bay that pressed on quickly through the woods, eager and clear and harrying with loud yelps.
Bambi raised his head in the hollow under the fallen tree, and looked at the old stag who was lying beside him.
“That’s nothing,” said the old stag in answer to Bambi’s glance, “nothing that need bother us.”
Still they both listened.
They lay in their hollow with the old beech trunk like a sheltering roof above them. The deep snow kept the icy draught from them, and the tangled bushes hid them from curious eyes.
The baying grew nearer. It was angry and panting and relentless. It sounded like the bark of a small hound. It came constantly closer.
Then they heard panting of another kind. They heard a low labored snarling under the angry barking. Bambi grew uneasy, but the old stag quieted him again. “We don’t need to worry about it,” he said. They lay silent in their warm hollow and peered out.
The footsteps drew nearer and nearer through the branches. The snow dropped from the shaken boughs and clouds of it rose from the earth.
Through the snow and over the roots and branches, the fox came springing, crouching and slinking. They were right; a little, shortlegged hound was after him.
The fox came springing, crouching and slinking. A little, shortlegged hound was after him.
One of the fox’s forelegs was crushed and the fur torn around it. He held his shattered paw in front of him, and blood poured from his wound. He was gasping for breath. His eyes were staring with terror and exertion. He was beside himself with rage and fear. He was desperate and exhausted.
Once in a while he would face around and snarl so that the dog was startled and would fall back a few steps.
Presently the fox sat down on his haunches. He could go no farther. Raising his mangled forepaw pitifully, with his jaws open and his lips drawn back, he snarled at the dog.
But the dog was never silent for a minute. His high, rasping bark only grew fuller and deeper. “Here,” he yapped, “here he is! Here! Here! Here!” He was not abusing the fox. He was not even speaking to him, but was urging on someone who was still far behind.
Bambi knew as well as the old stag did that it was He the dog was calling.
The fox knew it too. The blood was streaming down from him and fell from his breast into the snow, making a fiery red spot on the icy white surface, and steaming slowly.
A weakness overcame the fox. His crushed foot sank down helpless, but a burning pain shot through it when it touched the cold snow. He lifted it again with an effort and held it quivering in front of him.
“Let me go,” said the fox beginning to speak, “let me go.” He spoke softly and beseechingly. He was quite weak and despondent.
“No! No! No!” the dog howled.
The fox pleaded still more insistently. “We’re relations,” he pleaded, “we’re brothers almost. Let me go home. Let me die with my family at least. We’re brothers almost, you and I.”
“No! No! No!” the dog raged.
Then the fox rose so that he was sitting perfectly erect. He dropped his handsome pointed muzzle on his bleeding breast, raised his eyes and looked the dog straight in the face. In a completely altered voice, restrained and embittered, he growled, “Aren’t you ashamed, you traitor!”
“No! No! No!” yelped the dog.
But the fox went on, “You turncoat, you renegade.” His maimed body was taut with contempt and hatred. “You spy,” he hissed, “you blackguard, you track us where He could never find us. You betray us, your own relations, me who am almost your brother. And you stand there and aren’t ashamed!”
Instantly many other voices sounded loudly round about.
“Traitor!” cried the magpie from the tree.
“Spy!” shrieked the jay.
“Blackguard!” the weasel hissed.
“Renegade!” snarled the ferret.
From every tree and bush came chirpings, peepings, shrill cries, while overhead the crows cawed, “Spy! Spy!” Everyone had rushed up, and from the trees or from safe hiding places on the ground, they watched the contest. The fury that had burst from the fox released an embittered anger in them all. And the blood spilt on the snow, that steamed before their eyes, maddened them and made them forget all caution.
The dog stared around him. “Who are you?” he yelped. “What do you want? What do you know about it? What are you talking about? Everything belongs to Him, just as I do. But I, I love Him. I worship Him, I serve Him. Do you think you can oppose Him, poor creatures like you? He’s all-powerful. He’s above all of you. Everything we have comes from Him. Everything that lives or grows comes from Him.” The dog was quivering with exaltation.
“Traitor!” cried the squirrel shrilly.
“Yes, traitor!” hissed the fox. “Nobody is a traitor but you, only you.”
The dog was dancing about in a frenzy of devotion. “Only me?” he cried, “you lie. Aren’t there many, many others on His side? The horse, the cow, the sheep, the chickens, many, many of you and your kind are on His side and worship Him and serve Him.”
“They’re rabble!” snarled the fox, full of a boundless contempt.
Then the dog could contain himself no longer and sprang at the fox’s throat. Growling, spitting, and yelping, they rolled in the snow, a writhing, savagely snapping mass from which fur flew. The snow rose in clouds and was spattered with fine drops of blood. At last the fox could not fight any more. In a few seconds he was lying on his back, his white belly uppermost. He twitched and stiffened and died.
The dog shook him a few times, then let him fall on the trampled snow. He stood beside him, his legs planted, calling in a deep, loud voice, “Here! Here! He’s here!”
The others were horrorstruck and fled in all directions.
“Dreadful,” said Bambi softly to the old stag in the hollow.
“The most dreadful part of all,” the old stag answered, “is that the dogs believe what the hound just said. They believe it, they pass their lives in fear, they hate Him and themselves and yet they’d die for His sake.”
CHAPTER XXIV
T cold broke, and there was a warm spell in the middle of the winter. The earth drank great draughts of the melting snows so that wide stretches of soil were everywhere visible. The blackbirds were not singing yet, but when they flew from the ground where they were hunting worms, or when they fluttered from tree to tree, they uttered a long-drawn joyous whistle that was almost a song. The woodpecker began to chatter now and then. Magpies and crows grew more talkative. The tit-mice chirped more cheerily. And the pheasants, swooping down from their roosts would stand in one spot preening their feathers and uttering their metallic throaty cacklings.
The pheasants, swooping down from their roosts, would stand in one spot.
One such morning Bambi was roaming around as usual. In the gray dawn he came to the edge of the hollow. On the farther side where he had lived before something was stirring. Bambi stayed hidden in the thicket and peered across. A deer was wandering slowly to and fro, looking for places where the snow had melted, and cropping whatever grasses had sprung up so early.
Bambi wanted to turn at once and go away, for he recognized Faline. His first impulse was to spring forward and call her. But he stood as though rooted to the spot. He had not seen Faline for a long time. His heart began to beat faster. Faline moved slowly as though she were tired and sad. She resembled her mother now. She looked
as old as Aunt Ena, as Bambi noticed with a strangely pained surprise.
Faline lifted her head and gazed across as though she sensed his presence. Again Bambi started forward, but he stopped again, hesitating and unable to stir.
He saw that Faline had grown old and gray.
“Gay, pert little Faline, how lovely she used to be,” he thought, “and how lively!” His whole youth suddenly flashed before his eyes. The meadow, the trails where he walked with his mother, the happy games with Gobo and Faline, the nice grasshoppers and butterflies, the fight with Karus and Ronno when he had won Faline for his own. He felt happy again, and yet he trembled.
Faline wandered on, her head drooped to the ground, walking slowly, sadly and wearily away. At that moment Bambi loved her with an overpowering, tender melancholy. He wanted to rush through the hollow that separated him from the others. He wanted to overtake her, to talk with her, to talk to her about their youth and about everything that had happened.
He gazed after her as she went off, passing under the bare branches till finally she was lost to sight.
He stood there a long time staring after her.
Then there was a crash like thunder. Bambi shrank together. It came from where he was standing. Not even from a little way off but right beside him.
Then there was a second thunderclap, and right after that another.
Bambi leaped a little farther into the thicket, then stopped and listened. Everything was still. He glided stealthily homewards.
The old stag was there before him. He had not lain down yet, but was standing beside the fallen beech trunk expectantly.
“Where have you been so long?” he asked so seriously that Bambi grew silent.
“Did you hear it?” the old stag went on after a pause.
“Yes,” Bambi answered, “three times. He must be in the woods.”
“Of course,” the old stag nodded, and repeated with a peculiar intonation, “He is in the woods and we must go.”
“Where?” the word escaped Bambi.
“Where He is now,” said the old stag, and his voice was solemn.
Bambi was terrified.
“Don’t be frightened,” the old stag went on, “come with me and don’t be frightened. I’m glad that I can take you and show you the way....” He hesitated and added softly, “Before I go.”
Bambi looked wonderingly at the old stag. And suddenly he noticed how aged he looked. His head was completely gray now. His face was perfectly gaunt. The deep light was extinguished in his eyes, and they had a feeble, greenish luster and seemed to be blind.
Bambi and the old stag had not gone far before they caught the first whiff of that acrid smell that sent such dread and terror to their hearts.
Bambi stopped. But the old stag went on directly towards the scent. Bambi followed hesitantly.
The terrifying scent grew stronger and stronger. But the old stag kept on without stopping. The idea of flight sprang up in Bambi’s mind and tugged at his heart. It seethed through his mind and body, and nearly swept him away. But he kept a firm grip on himself and stayed close behind the old stag.
Then the horrible scent grew so strong that it drowned out everything else, and it was hardly possible to breathe.
“Here He is,” said the old stag moving to one side.
Through the bare branches, Bambi saw Him lying on the trampled snow a few steps away.
An irresistible burst of terror swept over Bambi and with a sudden bound he started to give in to his impulse to flee.
“Halt!” he heard the old stag calling. Bambi looked around and saw the stag standing calmly where He was lying on the ground. Bambi was amazed and, moved by a sense of obedience, a boundless curiosity and quivering expectancy, he went closer.
“Come near,” said the old stag, “don’t be afraid.”
He was lying with His pale, naked face turned upwards, His hat a little to one side on the snow. Bambi who did not know anything about hats thought His horrible head was split in two. The poacher’s shirt, open at the neck, was pierced where a wound gaped like a small red mouth. Blood was oozing out slowly. Blood was drying on His hair and around His nose. A big pool of it lay on the snow which was melting from the warmth.
“We can stand right beside Him,” the old stag began softly, “and it isn’t dangerous.”
Bambi looked down at the prostrate form whose limbs and skin seemed so mysterious and terrible to him. He gazed at the dead eyes that stared up sightlessly at him. Bambi couldn’t understand it all.
“Bambi,” the old stag went on, “do you remember what Gobo said and what the dog said, what they all think, do you remember?”
Bambi could not answer.
“Do you see, Bambi,” the old stag went on, “do you see how He’s lying there dead, like one of us? Listen, Bambi. He isn’t all-powerful as they say. Everything that lives and grows doesn’t come from Him. He isn’t above us. He’s just the same as we are. He has the same fears, the same needs, and suffers in the same way. He can be killed like us, and then He lies helpless on the ground like all the rest of us, as you see Him now.”
There was a silence.
“Do you understand me, Bambi?” asked the old stag.
“I think so,” Bambi said in a whisper.
“Then speak,” the old stag commanded.
Bambi was inspired, and said trembling, “There is Another who is over us all, over us and over Him.”
“Now I can go,” said the old stag.
He turned away, and they wandered side by side for a stretch.
Presently the old stag stopped in front of a tall oak. “Don’t follow me any further, Bambi,” he began with a calm voice, “my time is up. Now I have to look for a resting place.”
Bambi tried to speak.
“Don’t,” said the old stag cutting him short, “don’t. In the hour which I am approaching we are all alone. Good-by, my son. I loved you dearly.”
