A Rose at Midnight
Rosalie Mackenzie had had enough of people throwing alphas at her. Neighbor, daughter, second cousin twice removed God forbid there be an unmated alpha within a hundred miles of her. Just because she was blessed (cursed) with an omega designation didn’t mean she wanted a mate. “For fuck’ s sake,” she muttered as she closed her front door in the face of yet another well-intended matchmaker. “Let me die alone.”
Rose waited for the uninvited guest’ s car to disappear from sight before she shrugged on her favorite jacket, grabbed her purse, and hightailed it down the road to her heat clinic. Her usual heat helper had mated unexpectedly and changed his line of work, so now she had to go into the office, in person, like a peasant, to pick a new helper. With her heat coming up in the next few weeks, she needed to get this figured out, stat.
She parked in the lot behind the clinic and headed inside, glaring up at the sun for being too hot. It was November, goddammit, and she wanted to wear this jacket. Now she had to peel herself out of it while trying to sign in at the front desk, offering an embarrassed smile to the nurse on duty when she got tangled in the sleeves and dropped the pen. Finally she got her jacket off, her autograph on the paper, and her ass in a too-small seat in the waiting area.
Dear Lord. Let today be over already.
Eventually a tall male nurse opened the door to the back. “Rosalie Mackenzie?”
Rose lifted a hand, wiggled her curves free of the chair, and followed him into the back. He led her to a private room with a single chair at a circular table, where a binder was laid out for her. “You can take a look at the profiles of our heat helpers on staff. We’ ve only included those who are available
during your next expected heat. Take your time, and let me know if you have any questions.”
Rose nodded. “Thanks.” It had been years now since she’d last “interviewed” heat helpers, but she wasn ’t concerned. She didn’t remember it being difficult. Pick the least offensive smell, double-check that they were cute enough to fuck for a few days, move on. She’d never had a bad experience here. Granted, she’d never had a life-altering experience either, but that wasn ’t what the clinic was for. They were heat helpers, not magic workers.
She cleared her throat, sat down at the table, and drew the binder open to the first profile. A male alpha. Cale Brown. She scanned his details, sniffed his scrap of fabric. A sandalwood scent not bad. Nothing about him really jumped out at her, though, so she turned the page.
Next was a female beta. Helena Beck. She was cute, but the too-sweet scent on her fabric made Rose’ s nose crinkle. Pass.
Third, fourth, fifth. The deeper she went, the more the contents of the binder blurred. Helper after helper after helper, none of them particularly striking. She couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed, even though she hadn’t expected much out of this. Part of her had hoped…well, it didn’t matter.
She turned to the last profile.
A female alpha. Autumn Rodgers. The little headshot stared Rose down, dared her to look away. Fair-skinned Autumn had dark brown hair cut in a bob, ending in a smooth line at her clavicles. Her eyes were the blue-green of the Caribbean Sea, luminous and impossible to miss, with long, dark lashes. Her pouty lips curved, but it was more of a smirk than a smile. Catch me if you can, that smirk said.
Rose’ s chest clenched.
She lifted the scrap of fabric to inhale Autumn’ s scent…and the alpha smelled like chai, warm and spicy. Cinnamon, nutmeg, with hints of cardamom and cloves. The scent sizzled like hot tea itself down Rose’ s spine, crackling and hissing out to her extremities. Heat pooled in her abdomen, between her thighs. Rose pressed the fabric to her face before she could stop herself. She breathed in deeply, wanting more of Autumn, wanting it now. Without thinking, she rubbed her cheek against it, mixing their scents. Her nipples hardened; her breasts ached for touch. For Autumn’ s touch.
And then her brain kicked back on.
What the actual fuck was she doing?
Hastily she set the fabric on the table and read over Autumn’ s summary.
Ms. Rodgers joined Bayside Heat Clinic four years ago and has been a valued member of our staff ever since. She specializes in experienced, outside-the-box clients and unconventional needs. When off the clock, Ms. Rodgers enjoys traveling, making new friends, and sampling local delicacies.
Holy shit. If that wasn ’t safe-for-work terminology for “Ms. Rodgers fucks, ” Rose would eat her shoe.
Rose closed the binder (including the fabric she’d smushed right up against her stupid face) and called the nurse in.
He gathered up the binder. “Have you made a decision?”
She nodded shortly. “Um, I’d like Autumn Rodgers, if she’ s still available.”
“Excellent choice. Let me confirm.” He disappeared down the hall, only to return a minute later. “Autumn is indeed available for your heat. We can go ahead and arrange a meeting with her if you like.”
“Uh, I’ m good, unless she really prefers to meet ahead of time. Can we just schedule her in?” Rose didn’t need any further interviewing to know that she wanted Autumn in a way she’d never wanted a heat helper before. And she didn’t have time to waste, not with her heat so close.
“Sure, we ’ll get her booked for you, no problem.”
Relief washed over Rose. That was taken care of. She signed the contract and headed home with a weight lifted from her.
Autumn Rodgers, come and get it.
Rose spent the next week cleaning her house in a way it hadn’t seen since she first moved in. The impending heat lent itself to the deep clean, as her body considered it nesting. Preparing the home for a mate, or whatever bullshit. Once the whole place gleamed, she piled every pillow and blanket she owned onto her bed and snuggled in.
But the doorbell rang a day before she was expecting Autumn.
“Goddammit,” Rose muttered, detangling herself from the comfy nest. She kept one blanket wrapped around her as she stomped downstairs. “Somebody
else wants me to mate their kid or their neighbor or their cousin or whoever, and I’ m not in the mood. I’ll kick their ass from here to California, I swear ”
She opened the door.
Autumn Rodgers stood on her front porch, her weight balanced on her hip, a big duffel bag slung over her shoulder. A breeze caressed Rose’ s cheek, carrying the scent of chai tea. Autumn wore a black crop top dotted with constellations and matching high-rise shorts. God bless her, she was voluptuous in a way Rose hadn’t seen in the headshot, and Rose was without a doubt a boobs woman. It took a whole lot of self-control to drag her gaze away from that cleavage.
“Autumn. Hi. Welcome.” Don’t stare at her chest, Rose. She focused on those Caribbean-blue eyes. “Um, I wasn ’t expecting you until tomorrow.”
Autumn looked Rose over, and that tempting smirk came out to play. “I know. Since we didn’t have a formal meeting before you booked me, I thought I’d stop by early. Get to know you a little before we go under.”
“Okay. Yeah.”
“If you don’t want me here yet,” Autumn said lightly, “I’ll come back tomorrow. No harm, no foul.”
Shit, shit, shit. “No, it’ s fine. I’ ve just been nesting a bit. Come on in.” Rose extended one arm from under the blanket and gestured for Autumn to follow her into the house. “I’ ve got tea or coffee, whichever you prefer, and if you want, I can even run to the store and pick up snacks, just let me know what you like ”
“Rosalie.” Autumn’ s voice was low.
Rose stopped in the middle of the kitchen. That warm, spicy scent filled the space like an embrace she hadn’t known she wanted.
“If we need anything, I’ m the one who’ll go and get it. Go get back in your nest.”
Rose led her up to the bedroom, where she burrowed back into place among the blankets and pillows with a happy sigh. Ah, perfection. Just one little thing: “It’ s Rose.”
“Sorry?”
“I prefer Rose. Over Rosalie. It’ s not a big deal, but just so you know.” Autumn inclined her head. “No problem. Rose it is.”
“So I read your profile. Do they give you a profile about me?” If so, Rose could only imagine what was on it.
Autumn shrugged. “I reviewed your medical charts, and notes from your past heat helper. But I would rather get to know you as a person, just between the two of us. ”
“Well, the two of us and the notes you take, apparently.” Rose was only half joking. Who all had access to that? Did the whole clinic know what she liked and didn’t like in the throes of a heat?
Autumn met her gaze, and all teasing fell away. “I don’t discuss my clients. Even if you don’t want to hire me again after this, this heat stays between you and me. Only your future heat helpers will have access to my notes and those of my predecessor.”
Rose let out a long, low breath. “Okay. Thanks.”
“Anyway.” When Autumn smiled, Rose’ s gaze fell to her full lips. “Tell me what’ s not on your paperwork.”
“I’ ve never read my own charts. What do you know?”
A dark eyebrow arched. “Well, I know you ’ re pansexual. I know you ’ ve been getting heat help from this clinic for about eight years, ever since you presented. I know your last helper let you set the pace. ”
A nice way of saying Rose had run the show.
“And I know you liked to top him.” Autumn scraped her teeth over her luxurious bottom lip, and Rose ached to feel that scrape on her skin. Warmth washed over her body. The bedroom smelled of chai now too, and she wished Autumn would come closer, maybe join her in the nest.
Autumn inhaled, and her breath shivered. “You’ re close to starting your heat.”
Rose wanted to say no shit, Sherlock, it’ s scheduled for tomorrow, but something in her suspected it might be coming on even earlier than that. She reached one grabby hand out to Autumn. “Come here.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. Come here. ”
Autumn climbed up onto the bed and yes, yes, yes intertwined herself with Rose. She wrapped her legs and arms around Rose, ran her fingers through Rose’ s hair. Perfect snuggling formation. Rose buried her nose in
Autumn’ s neck and inhaled deeply; the alpha’ s cinnamon and nutmeg scent sent her nerve endings tingling.
“What else did you wanna know?” Rose mumbled happily.
“What are you hoping for from me? How can I make this heat as pleasurable as possible for you?”
Mmmm. She could think of a lot of pleasures. With Autumn this close, Rose’ s instincts were kicking her imagination into high gear. Her former helper had been dependable, but he hadn’t made her body riot like this, and she was beginning to think maybe she’d been missing out on something all these years.
“I do like to top,” Rose said finally, “but I like to earn it, if that makes sense? And I don’t mind bottoming if, again, it’ s justified.” “Does ‘earning it’ mean you like to fight?”
Rose grinned. “In a fully consensual way, yes. ”
“I can accommodate that. Anything else? Any hard limits? Safe words?”
“I’ m a simple woman. I typically use the stoplight system.”
“Nothing simple about safe words,” Autumn disagreed. “What do the colors mean to you?”
“Green for good, keep going; yellow for slow down; red for stop.” Rose ran one hand over Autumn’ s curves, relishing the softness of her. “As for hard limits, I don’t like to be slapped on the face, and I don’t do scat or piss play, or knife play. Marks like hickeys and bruises are fine in unobtrusive places, but no breaking the skin. Otherwise, fire away. ”
Autumn’ s smile widened. “Noted. That’ s no problem for me. I will say, obviously it’ s in the contract, but I won ’t do pretend mating bites as part of play. It doesn’t matter how light someone likes it; I’ m just not comfortable with that.”
“Oh, thank God. Yeah, no. ” Rose blew out a relieved breath. “No, that’ s never been something I tried or was inclined to try. Too… ” Terrifying? Close to home? “ …Just, yeah. No mating bites.”
“Then we ’ re good.”
Rose relaxed into Autumn, and they lay together in the nest, warmed by the sunshine streaming in from the window. Autumn stroked her hair,
purring, and Rose breathed her in. Cinnamon and nutmeg tickled her senses, made the nest feel like home. Had she ever felt so content?
Yet there was something else.
The warmth was crawling up her skin, itching her with need. The chai scent felt less reassuring and more demanding, more high-key. Her breaths came harder. Squeezing her eyes shut, she shoved her nose into the crook where Autumn’ s neck and shoulder met. “Fuck,” she panted, “it’ s started.”
“I’ m here.” Autumn’ s voice was firm, beautiful. A light through the darkness of the blooming heat. “Let go. I’ ve got you. ”
A whimper escaped Rose’ s throat. She opened her eyes to find colors brighter, scents more intense, and above all, the driving desire. She was wearing too many clothes; that was for damn sure. Her hands scrabbled at the fabric. “Please.”
Autumn peeled her out of her pajamas, kissing the tanned skin she bared. “My pretty omega. Let me see you. ”
Rose had never belonged to anyone. Much less someone as gorgeous as Autumn. Yet, even if it was only for this heat, only for now, she clung to the possessiveness in the phrasing.
Let her want me, she prayed, foolishly, to whoever might be listening.
Another wave of heat washed over Rose, and she gasped. Her hands grasped at Autumn wherever she could get her, drew her closer. “Touch me, ” she begged.
Autumn obliged.
She tossed Rose onto her back and ran her hands down her underwearclad body. The cotton-candy-blue lace bralette and cheeky panties were still too much, though, scratchy and hot. Rose struggled with them. Autumn traced her fingers up the gusset of the panties before drawing the underwear down Rose’ s legs, and then she hooked her fingers under the band of the bralette and eased it up over her head. The alpha tossed the matching pair away, but Rose couldn’t be bothered to check where they landed. She’d find them eventually.
Autumn dropped a kiss to Rose’ s mouth, tasting her deeply. Rose sucked on her tongue and relished the responding moan. Autumn’ s hands roamed Rose’ s naked body as they explored each other’ s mouths, hot and needy. Rose
spread her thighs in invitation, and Autumn filled the space, pressing herself up against Rose’ s core.
“Fuck yes, ” Rose sighed, and she lifted her hips to meet Autumn, to grind against her. “God, you feel good.” She pushed up again and twisted, trying to flip Autumn onto her back, but the alpha gripped her wrists and pushed them into the mattress.
Autumn lowered her lips to Rose’ s ear. “Try harder, little one. ”
A taunt. One Rose liked. She sucked in a breath, licked her lower lip, and nipped at Autumn’ s earlobe. The alpha started with a pleased gasp, and it was just enough of a surprise that Rose got the upper hand: she pushed Autumn onto her back and straddled her. Then she was grinding on Autumn’ s thigh, and fuuuuuck, she only needed more. She sped up, faster, harder, until she was whining, barely edging around the orgasm she so desperately wanted.
Autumn’ s hands came to her hips, moving her up and down, helping her… but not enough.
“I need—I need you. ” Rose whined, high-pitched and needy. “Please.”
“Tell me what you want.” Autumn’ s voice was unfairly even. Poised when Rose felt like she was about to fall apart.
“I want you to fuck me with your fingers.”
Autumn’ s breath shook, and Rose realized maybe she wasn ’t as poised as she wanted to appear. “Like this?” The alpha slipped two fingers between Rose’ s folds, and Rose’ s hips shuddered at the contact. Those goddamn fingertips slid back and forth in Rose’ s slick and then slipped inside her with a slight curve; the come-hither movement hit that place in Rose’ s cunt that had her trembling.
“Yes. Yes. ” The words spilled from Rose’ s lips as she pushed down, trying to fuck herself. Autumn thrust those fingers up into her, taking back control, and Rose didn’t even mind.
Fuck me.
Take me.
Make me yours.
“That’ s it,” Autumn urged her, heat in her voice now. “Take what you want, little one. ”
Rose twisted her hips, aching for more, more, more. “I want you. ”
Autumn’ s rhythm stuttered. “Fuck, that’ s hot,” she panted, so quietly Rose wasn ’t sure if she was meant to have heard. More loudly, more playfully: “Then earn me. ”
Desperate, Rose shoved Autumn’ s crop top up, baring her breasts, and lowered her head to sip at her right nipple. It ruched under her attentions, the peak hardening, and Rose lapped at the stiff bud. Autumn keened. Desire shivered through Rose, and she fisted one hand in Autumn’ s dark hair and tugged so that her alpha bared her neck, releasing a fresh perfume of cinnamon and nutmeg pheromones.
The urge hit then, for the first time ever. Bite down. Make her yours.
Rose stared at the pulse point, panting, her instincts wild with the need to claim Autumn in a way she’d never cared about before her. She’d bite Autumn, and then Autumn would bite her, and then they’d have each other forever. Mates.
But Autumn didn’t want that. Rose didn’t want that either…did she? It was just the heat talking. It had to be.
So Rose growled and kissed Autumn instead, devoured her mouth, laying as much of a claim on her as she dared in this moment. Autumn opened to her, sipped at her lower lip as she fucked hard into Rose with her two curved fingers. The pleasure coiled inside her, a spring aching to be released.
“That’ s it,” Autumn encouraged her quietly. “I already love being inside you. Let me get you off. Give yourself over to me. ”
Rose cried out, the sound low and long and rough in her throat, and her thrusts grew erratic as the need coiled tighter and tighter. Autumn fucked her the way she needed, hard and fast and rhythmic, until the spring finally exploded inside her. Rose arched, climaxed with a scream, then sank back down on top of Autumn, who was purring again.
Oh, God. She wasn ’t going to survive this heat.
“Good girl,” the alpha murmured, tucking Rose’ s hair behind her ear as she pulled out. “You came so beautifully. How are you feeling?”
Rose hummed. Her clit ached for attention, but her pussy was thrumming happily. The intensity of the heat ebbed away at the orgasm, at least for now. She sighed and curled up into Autumn, who drew her in for more snuggles.
“You’ re really good at that. Isn’t it hard being a heat helper?” Rose asked, her voice muffled against Autumn’ s skin. “Since you basically can ’t mate, and you get blue balls for days on end?”
Autumn laughed. “You’d be surprised how often an omega in heat gets pleasure from my orgasms, actually. But don’t worry about that; I don’t depend on it. If I get overwhelmed, I can take care of myself.” She paused. “And not having a mate never bothered me, I guess. I’ ve never really wanted one the way a lot of people do. Weird, I know.”
“Not at all.” Rose’ s chest warmed from the words. She sometimes felt like the only person in the world not dying for a mate. That someone else out there felt the same way…it meant a lot. Even though Autumn had no way of knowing the impact of her admission.
“So no, being a heat helper isn’t particularly hard. For me, at least.”
“I’ m glad.” Rose snuggled deeper into Autumn’ s embrace. “So what made you start? It’ s not…exactly a common career choice.” Thankfully there wasn ’t a stigma around it anymore, but it still wasn ’t something most people dreamed of doing when they grew up.
For the first time, Autumn hesitated.
Rose pulled back to reassure her, “You don’t have to tell me if you ’ re not comfortable.”
“No, that’ s not it. But thank you. I was a heat helper at another heat clinic to pay for college, and then I liked it so much, I left college to do it full-time.” Autumn swallowed. “I guess it kind of goes hand in hand with the ‘not wanting a mate’ thing. I’ m good at sex. I’ m not good at relationships. So this line of work, uh, worked out well for my skill set.”
“Why do you think you ’ re not ?” Fresh warmth tingled in Rose’ s hands and feet, and it wasn ’t from the blankets or the sunlight. Her brain blurred with one driving need: sex. “Shit. Hold that thought. The heat’ s coming up again.”
Autumn actually looked relieved. She kissed along Rose’ s jawline. “Let it happen, little one. We can talk more after, if you want.”
Rose did want. More than she’d expected. She wanted to learn more about Autumn, wanted Autumn to want to share herself with her. Not that it meant anything. Just two people getting to know each other in between fucks.
Rose tried to push Autumn onto her back, only to meet with resistance and a smirk. She pushed harder. No luck.
“You said you like to earn it,” Autumn teased. “Earn it, then.”
Prickling with heat, Rose took a different approach. She mouthed a path up Autumn’ s neck, humming as she went. She skated her palms over the alpha’ s curves, kneaded at her breasts, which overflowed in her hands. She slid one thigh between Autumn’ s legs, and the alpha twisted her hips, grinding down on her.
Shit, yes. More.
Rose tugged Autumn’ s other thigh up against her own cunt so she could rub herself there in response. Then they were both grinding against each other, pressed together, hips thrusting in tandem, and Autumn let out a low growl that sent a frisson of pleasure up Rose’ s spine.
“You’ re so beautiful when you work yourself over like that,” the alpha rumbled in Rose’ s ear. “It’ s the sexiest thing I’ ve ever seen. ”
Rose moaned. “It’ s not enough. I need you. ”
“Where?” Autumn asked lowly. “Where do you need me?”
God, anywhere. But the most pressing urge: “Inside me. Fill me. ” Autumn dropped her thigh (Rose whined at the loss) but quickly thrust into Rose’ s cunt, three fingers this time, a glorious fullness.
Rose moaned. “Mmm, yes. ” As she rode Autumn’ s hand, Autumn coached her through it with encouraging words, telling her how gorgeous she was, how good she looked, how sexy, how slick. Warmth prickled Rose’ s cheeks at the compliments. The heat drove her deeper into the sex, crested her higher and higher with each thrust. She pressed an open kiss to the base of Autumn’ s throat, needing more. Needing her.
“Autumn, ” she whined, because that was all she could say.
The alpha rumbled and drew her in for a deep kiss before dipping to lave at Rose’ s chest, one nipple and then the other. They tightened for her, hardening at the touch of her tongue. The whole time, she continued to fuck into Rose, filling her the way she needed. The way the heat demanded.
Rose moaned and gyrated on Autumn’ s hand, taking what the alpha was offering, as much as she could handle and more. The tide of the oncoming orgasm rode higher and higher until she could no longer feel the bed beneath
her, just Autumn’ s body and Autumn’ s words and Autumn’ s scent and Autumn, Autumn, Autumn. Wanting overwhelmed her.
“Come for me, ” the alpha whispered, her voice rough.
It was that audible desire that swept Rose under the wave herself. Need tore from her throat, and then her whole body tightened, limbs electrified with pleasure. Autumn eased up but didn’t release her entirely, still curving her fingers inside Rose as she rode out the climax.
When she resurfaced, she rubbed at the soreness in her voice box. “My throat hurts.”
Autumn chuckled. “I bet. You’ re a loud one. Don’t make that face; I like it.”
Rose unwrinkled her nose. “Fine. But if it gets annoying, you have to tell me. ”
Autumn’ s lips curved. “I don’t think you could annoy me if you tried, but okay.” She disentangled herself from Rose to pull a bottled water from her bag. She twisted the top open with a click and handed it over. “For your throat. And the dehydration you ’ re probably feeling.”
Rose sipped at the water, then downed half of it in one go. Autumn was right; she was thirsty as fuck. She parted from the bottle with a smack of her lips. “God, I needed that. Thanks.”
“You’ re welcome.” Autumn smiled at her, then drank from her own. “Ahh, that’ s good shit.”
“Sorry.”
Autumn gave her a weird look. “For what?”
Rose shifted her weight. “I dunno. I’ m used to being…too much, I guess. ” Too heavy, too short, too loud, too sex-driven, too standoffish. Too much for anyone who wasn ’t being paid to spend time with her. Hence, all these years of using a heat clinic instead of bothering with a real-life partner. No one wanted her, so she’d taught herself not to want anyone either.
Autumn softened, and she brushed her hand along Rose’ s cheek. “I promise, you ’ re not too much. You’ re just the right amount.”
Rose flushed, pleased but unwilling to admit it. Unless oh God. Unless Autumn was lying to be nice. Unless she’d been lying this whole time, and Rose had been stupid enough to believe her.
Contentment fading, Rose only nodded once, shortly, and finished off her water.
Autumn excused herself to run down to her car, and Rose burrowed back into the now-mussed nest. The blankets and pillows smelled like chai, spicy and reassuring, and Rose nuzzled against them as if they were her alpha.
Not that Autumn was her alpha. Not hers in any way that mattered.
Autumn returned with an entire case of bottled water. “We’ re gonna need it, I think,” she teased as she hefted it down onto the floor beside the bed, and then she hopped back into bed. “How are you doing? Do you want to snuggle and talk, or do you want to fuck again?”
Rose shifted over so Autumn could join her in the nest. “Snuggies.” “All right.” Autumn wriggled her way into the empty space. She drew Rose into the curve of her body and began to pet her hair. “So why do you think you ’ re too much, hmm?” the alpha asked softly. “I mean, come on. You’ re perfect.”
Rose choked out a bitter laugh. “Thanks, but society doesn’t agree with you. And you don’t have to lie to get me through my heat.” Perfect? Really? That was fucking rude. No one was perfect. Was Autumn so disgusted by her that she couldn’t come up with a mediocre compliment she actually meant? Lie on top of lie on top of “I can see your brain working overtime. Stop that.” Autumn’ s tone went hard, her alpha voice coming out for the first time.
Rose froze.
“I haven’t said anything except what I was thinking, all day. I’ m a bad liar. Trust me, you ’d be able to tell.” Autumn held Rose at arm ’ s length and stared her down, sea-blue eyes hard. “Who told you you weren ’t worthy of the most basic of compliments?”
Rose averted her gaze. “Maybe I do want to fuck instead of talking.” “Too late. You made your choice.” When Rose didn’t respond, Autumn gentled her approach. “I think you ’ re beautiful and amazing and fun, and I love that I get to be a part of your heat. Look me in the eyes and tell me I’ m lying.”
Rose hesitated, then obeyed. There was no deception in those beautiful eyes, only honesty and a little hurt. “Sorry,” she muttered. “I guess you think you mean it, but ”
Autumn’ s jaw dropped. “Hang on. I think I mean it? Who said you get to decide?”
“Look, I know what people are thinking when they look at me. They’ re disappointed.”
“Ohhh,” Autumn drawled, “ you ’ re a telepath. You read minds now. ”
“Well, no. ”
“No?” Faux shock. “You can ’t literally read people’ s minds?”
“No, but ”
“Then shut the fuck up when I’ m telling you I like you. ” Autumn scowled. “I don’t appreciate having my integrity questioned.”
Rose scowled right back. “I don’t have to be a fucking telepath to know when someone wants something they’ re not getting.”
“Who’ s that?”
“Everyone,” Rose spat. “All the people who think they found the one alpha who’ll be the perfect mate for me, because I’ m not good enough on my own. All the alphas they sent my way, who were hoping for someone skinnier or taller or sweeter or whatever. I figured out a long time ago that no one was going to fit me, and I might as well stop looking. Every failed first date hurt more than just being single in the first place. So I stopped going on them.”
Autumn watched her, sad, thinking.
Rose glared at the alpha. “Happy?”
“Obviously not,” Autumn said quietly. “I’ m sorry you ’ ve had such a rough go of it.”
“It’ s fine.”
“No, it’ s not. I’ll punch every one of those stupid people in the face for you, if you like.”
Rose choked out a sad little laugh. “Thanks.”
Autumn cupped Rose’ s cheeks and kissed her, firm and determined. Rose clung to her, opened mouth and legs to her. Autumn crawled on top of her, and Rose slipped fully into the heat for the first time.
Rose resurfaced how long it had been, she didn’t know and felt Autumn still taking care of her, working her through the heat. Then the alpha paused. Smiled. “There you are. Welcome back.”
“I—ahhh.” Rose’ s head fell back as Autumn fingered her. “Oh, that’ s good.”
“Tell me about it. You want more of this? Something else?”
Rose spread her legs. “How good are you with your mouth?” she asked, half teasing.
Autumn smirked. “Let’ s find out, shall we?” She pulled out of Rose, her fingers shiny with slick, and crawled down the bed to dip her head between Rose’ s thighs. One lick, and—
“Fuck!” Rose arched into it, grasping for Autumn’ s hair to either hold her in place or push her away, she wasn ’t sure which.
Autumn’ s chuckle was half purr, and then she started lapping at Rose again, holding her in place so she couldn’t pull back at the intensity of the sensation. But God, did she try. It was so much.
“Oh—ohhh— ”
“That’ s it, little one. You can take it.” Then she swirled her tongue over Rose’ s clit, and Rose’ s body tightened as she shattered. Autumn licked lighter but didn’t let up entirely, encouraging her to ride out the orgasm.
After catching her breath, Rose dragged Autumn up the bed, clambered on top of her, and shoved her nose into the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg. All she could think about was that mating bite. How good it would feel to sink her teeth into Autumn’ s neck or wrist or inner thigh and claim her, and be claimed in return.
Her alpha.
Her Autumn.
Hers. Rose shook her head. God, this heat was really fucking with her brain. She’d never struggled like this with her other helper. It had been wham, bam, thank you ma ’ am, the way she liked it. No confusion about who they were to each other. No theorizing about what they could become. No feelings, just fucking.
Autumn pulled out of Rose and flipped them sharply, so Rose landed on her back with a little “oof.” Then Autumn’ s lips were at Rose’ s jaw. “Stop thinking so much,” she whispered, “ or let me fuck the thoughts out of you. ”
Rose looked into those striking blue-green eyes. “Fuck them away, ” she begged, because it hurt too much to think about how she couldn’t keep
Autumn.
Autumn’ s gaze softened, and she parted Rose’ s thighs with her hands. “Lie back, then,” she said softly, and as she circled her fingers through the slick, Rose succumbed again.
“I need you to eat something for me, little one. ” The gentle voice brought Rose out of the heat haze. That, and the smell of fresh lemon garlic pasta. Stomach rumbling, Rose opened her eyes to Autumn offering up a steaming bowl with a fork stuck in the noodles, as well as a new bottle of water.
Rose accepted the meal with a quiet “thanks.” Halfway through the bowl, she finally had the presence of mind to look around. The windows were dark, but she couldn’t find her phone to check the time. “How long has it been?”
“It’ s midnight.” Autumn summoned up a tired smile and traced her thumb over the apple of Rose’ s cheek. “I tried to get you to eat earlier, but you refused.”
“Ah, yeah,” Rose said with a grimace, although she had no memory of it. Just a lot of sex, Autumn carrying her through the heat. “Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’ s part of the heat, and part of my responsibility in taking care of you. ” Autumn covered a yawn with one hand. “I wanted to get some dinner in you before we go to bed. If you wake up, though, shake me and I’ll take care of you. I’ll be right next to you, unless you would rather I sleep somewhere else.”
“No, please do. More time for snuggles.”
Autumn, sleeping beside her in the nest.
Autumn, willing to lose sleep to make sure Rose was all right.
This is all part of the job. She’ s literally being paid to take care of you. Stop reading into it.
Rose chewed her last bite of pasta. Swallowed. Before she could stop herself: “Why don’t you want a mate?”
Autumn choked on her water. “Excuse me?” “That’ s what you said, right? You said you ’ re good at sex, but not at relationships.”
“I didn’t think you ’d remember it,” Autumn muttered.
“Well, I do. So what’ s up with that? You’ re amazing.”
”
Autumn laughed. “I’ m average at best, but thank you. I’ m just good at my job.
Rose swallowed an admission that would have revealed too much, too soon. Instead she settled for “If you ’ re allowed to like me, I’ m allowed to like you. ”
Autumn eyed her for a long minute before heaving a sigh and perching on the mattress. “Yeah, I guess that’ s fair. Damn. Got me at my own game. ”
Throat closing, Rose set her empty bowl on the bedside table. Something in the words felt off, but if Autumn meant them, it would hurt more than any bad first date. “Is this…is this a game to you?”
“Of course not.” Autumn’ s scent burned. “That’ s the problem. The world is all games, and I refuse to play them.”
Rose waited for her to explain.
Autumn sighed again, and her voice went quiet. “I can ’t be responsible for someone else’ s happiness again. I tried to be in a relationship, years ago, and she…she drained me of everything that made me me. ”
A fist gripped Rose’ s heart. I wouldn’t treat you that way. I want to know all of you.
“I can ’t do it again. I’d rather die alone and fully myself.”
Rose heard herself in the words. Recognized the fear and the doubt. But the truth for Autumn came so easily: “She didn’t deserve you. ”
“Ha. Thanks. But no, it wasn ’t all on her. I’ m just not built for relationships. I’ m better at sex taking care of people in the short term and then bouncing. That’ s what I do. That’ s what I’ m good at. No mate required.” “Would you want a mate if it was a good fit, though? If they didn’t play games or try to fit you into a tiny box?” The question revealed more than Rose liked, but it was too late to take it back.
Autumn watched her for a beat too long. “I don’t know,” she said finally, quietly, more honestly than Rose had expected. “No one ’ s ever offered me that and meant it.”
It was too soon. Rose couldn’t say what she was thinking: that she wanted to offer it. That they might each be the mate the other one had given up hope of. That it might be worth the heartache to try.
She said nothing, only moved aside so Autumn could climb back into the nest. Autumn drew her up against her curves and stroked her hair until she fell asleep. The chai scent of her embrace was scalded with a tinge of sadness now, not the bold, bright spiciness of when she’d first arrived.
One thought swirled around Rose’ s head until the words dissolved into spicy dreams.
What will I do when she leaves? ***
Rose’ s heat flared up in full force around three in the morning. The next day was all sex, fingers and mouths and toys. Everything blurred together. Rose felt like she was drowning, never able to get her head above water. Only Autumn’ s attentive caretaking kept her sane and safe as her body raged.
Finally the wave receded, and Rose pushed herself upright, shaking her head to clear the fog. Her throat was sore from screams, her legs felt like jelly, the bed was a mess, the windows were dark again, and her alpha was nowhere to be seen. Anxiety welled in her. “Autumn?”
“In here!” Autumn called from the bathroom. “I had to pee. And you should too. Gimme a second, though. I’ll be right out.” The toilet flushed, the sink ran, and Autumn emerged, shaking the water off her hands. She hastened to Rose’ s side. “Hey, Rose. I’ m sorry, I was bursting.”
“It’ s okay. If you gotta go, you gotta go. ” Rose looked up at her with a hazy smile. “Help me to the bathroom?”
Autumn smiled back, and it was the sunrise. “Of course. ” She scooped Rose up and carried her there, and Rose should have protested, but instead she snuggled against her alpha, burying her face in the crook of Autumn’ s neck, secretly reveling in the princess treatment.
She sat down to pee, and Autumn sat on the floor beside her, rubbing her eyes before redirecting her attention to Rose. “That was a long wave for you. How are you feeling?”
Rose huffed a little laugh. “Like Jello, but okay overall.” “I want you to eat and drink while you ’ re up and at ’ em, all right? A meal would be good for you, but even a snack would be okay. Whatever you feel up to.”
Rose’ s stomach grumbled as if on cue. “A meal would be great. I’ m starving.”
“I haven’t had a chance to cook anything, but I can order delivery from whoever’ s still open at this hour. What do you want?”
“Burgers?”
“I’ll find some. ” Autumn fished her phone out of her bag and tapped in her order and Rose’ s. “It’ s on the way. ”
After washing her hands, Rose sat herself in Autumn’ s lap, leaning her head on the alpha’ s shoulder. “How are you feeling?”
“Me?” Autumn’ s voice pitched upward with surprise.
“Yeah. You’ ve been taking care of me literally all day. Are you sore? Tired? We can take a nap if you need one. ”
Autumn smiled softly. “Thank you. It…means a lot, actually, that you asked. I could probably stand to catch a few zzz ’ s, but I nap when the baby naps, so to speak.”
“Am I the baby?” Rose wrinkled her nose.
“In the best way. ” Autumn drew her in for a tender kiss that made Rose feel bubbly and light. Then, her hands still cupped around Rose’ s face, the alpha pulled back and admired her, eyes pensive and brow furrowed.
“What are you thinking about?” Rose asked softly.
Autumn shook her head as if she hadn’t fully realized she was staring at her like that. She dropped her hands, leaving Rose’ s skin cool and lonely. “Nothing. Sorry, I lost track of myself there.”
Like a fool, Rose pushed. “Where did you get lost?” “I should think it was obvious.”
Rose arched an eyebrow. “Pretend I’ m real stupid.”
Autumn fell quiet. Looked away. Her voice went low. “You’ re gorgeous, Rose. Inside and out. It’ s hard not to appreciate it…more than I should.”
Rose’ s cheeks tingled with warmth. Habit urged her to argue, but Autumn wasn ’t a liar. She…she meant it. “Will you kiss me again?” Not because you have to, but because you want to.
Autumn stood, Rose in her arms, and walked her back to the bed. Set her down on the edge of the mattress. Knelt in front of her. “Between you and me?”
Rose nodded. “Not for the heat, or the clinic. Just for us. ”
Something flickered in those Caribbean-blue eyes. “This isn’t going in my notes,” Autumn said softly, and in the darkness of midnight she rose up and pressed her lips to Rose’ s.
Rose couldn’t help but sigh into the kiss. Her alpha hers, hers, hers backed Rose up the mattress and straddled her. Rose swung her whole body to swap their positions, clutched Autumn to her with everything she had, kneaded with desperation. Autumn swept her tongue into Rose’ s mouth and skated her palms over plush curves. The moment was not to stave off the heat, or to earn a buck, but to enjoy themselves. To revel in each other.
It was divine.
Rose broke away only for a moment to dig out her strap-on and pull it on, just to climb back on top of Autumn and ease into her slick cunt. Groaning in approval, Autumn parted her thighs wider to take more of her. Rose watched, panting, as the silicone cock disappeared inside her, and her own legs trembled with need. Then she was thrusting in and out, adjusting her position until Autumn grasped at the sheets, the arch of her back pushing her full breasts into the air. What a sight.
Still fucking into her alpha, Rose bent and sucked at Autumn’ s peaked nipples, earning a cry of pleasure. “Tell me how I feel inside you, ” she whispered.
“So good,” Autumn moaned. “So full. I’ m mmmm, yes, Rose, right there, fuck!”
Rose thrust in again at that exact angle, over and over, and Autumn’ s entire body shuddered with beautiful pleasure. Once she’d recovered, she pulled the strap-on off Rose’ s hips and set it aside.
“Get on your hands and knees.” Her alpha’ s voice was low and hot.
Oh, God. Pleasure buzzed through Rose’ s skin. She bent forward, excited to find out what Autumn had in store…
And the doorbell rang. Dinner had arrived. Rose groaned. “What kinda timing is that. How dare.”
“Let’ s just press pause. You need to eat. Stay here; I’ll get it.” Autumn threw on a bathrobe and trotted downstairs. She returned a minute later with a big bag of takeout. She ripped it open, pulled out the burgers and fries, and handed
Rose her meal and, as always, a bottle of water. “Try not to scarf it down, okay? I don’t want you getting sick.”
Rose nodded through her first mouthful. Mmmm. After all that mindblowing, heat-driven sex, she was in serious need of sustenance. But, to keep her alpha happy, she took her time chewing and swallowing each bite, rather than inhaling the whole thing the way she craved.
They cuddled together in the nest, draped over each other, eating and chatting and enjoying the stillness of nighttime.
“So you ’ ve been a heat helper for how many years now?”
“Since I started college, so…ten years now. Damn. I’ m getting old.”
Rose laughed. “Right. Positively ancient.”
“Shut up. ” Autumn pushed her teasingly.
“And in all those years you…you haven’t, like, felt anything for any of your clients?” Rose asked hesitantly. The real question: Do you feel drawn to me the way I feel drawn to you?
Autumn swallowed the last bite of her burger. “Anything? Like what?”
“Like a…pull or whatever. The mating call. Feelings. I don’t know.”
Autumn looked away. “Nah. I’ m a pro, y ’know? Get in and get out. Literally, ha.” Her words were stiff, stilted, but she’d said herself she didn’t lie. So if she had no real feelings for any of her clients…and Rose was one of her clients…
It was fine.
“Yeah. No, of course. ” Rose picked at her fries. “You’ re a professional. Sorry. Ill-conceived question.”
Autumn took a long drink of water. Rose finished her fries and climbed back in the nest. Autumn joined her once she was done, but Rose kept her back to her and tried not to think too hard about the warmth of Autumn’ s arm around her. The alpha was just doing her job, after all.
The alpha. Not hers. Not in any way that mattered.
Autumn stayed with Rose for a full day after the heat ended, just to be sure it was over. But they had dinner together and then it was done; the alpha was packing up. Rose loitered in the doorway to her bedroom, arms crossed, watching Autumn zip her duffel bag shut.
“That’ s it.” Autumn hefted the bag over her shoulder and turned toward Rose, her expression solemn. “That’ s everything.”
Rose’ s throat thickened. Don’t go. But Autumn had a job, and a life, and as lovely as the last few days had been, the mating urge just wasn ’t there for her. She’d said herself she felt nothing. Besides, how could she survive the departure if she felt the draw the way Rose did?
Autumn tugged Rose in. Kissed her on the forehead. “This has been… ” Amazing? Life-altering? Beyond my wildest expectations?
Autumn only shook her head, apparently giving up on finding the right descriptor. “I’ll see you around, okay, little one?” The distancing term of endearment. Not her name.
Rose inhaled, nodded, said nothing. If she opened her mouth, she’d burst into tears, and that was not the healthy, well-adjusted vibe she wanted to give off. She trailed silently behind Autumn as she descended the staircase, went out to her car, dropped her bag in the trunk, and slipped into the driver’ s seat.
Don’t go. For the love of God, don’t leave me like this.
Autumn gave her a little wave, shut the car door, and left.
She drove away and didn’t look back.
Rose choked on a sob, staring after the alpha until the sedan disappeared into the distance.
For the last eight years, Rose had wished people would leave her alone. Now she’d gotten her wish with the one person she’d wanted to stick around.
She trudged back inside, made herself a mug of tea, sat down with it at her kitchen table, and stared at the wall until the tea had gone cold. How was she going to survive any future heats? Hire her almost-mate to fuck her again? Or suffer through some other random alpha trying to help her forget Autumn? Yeah, great. Two solid options there. She’d rather go to the fucking hospital and be sedated the whole time.
Rose sat there, lost in thought, until the whole kitchen was dark save for a sliver of light in the window from the crescent moon. Finally she trudged upstairs and burrowed into the nest that still smelled like chai and the best sex of her life. She squeezed her eyes shut against the tears that threatened anew. Autumn didn’t want you; that’ s all there is to it. You’ re just going to have to learn to live with it.
Someone’ s car rumbled up the road at midnight and pulled into her driveway, the headlights flashing across her window.
“Fuck,” she muttered into the dark, her voice tight. “Fuck!” That was exactly what she needed right now, some alpha-wielding matchmaker to see her in her lowest state. Maybe if she stayed up here, in the dark, all alone, they’d take the hint and leave her alone.
A car door slammed, and footsteps bolted up the porch. Someone banged on her front door. Rose covered her ears and curled into a ball.
For fuck’ s sake. Let me die alone.
“Rose?” a familiar voice shouted, high-pitched and tight with anxiety. “Rose, are you in there?” Autumn.
Rose’ s hands fell from her ears. She shoved herself off the bed, tripping over the blankets and sheets in her haste. “Autumn?” she shouted back as she pounded down the stairs. Then she threw open the front door and there was her idiot alpha, standing there, illuminated only by the scant moonlight above. A goddess she’d never expected to see in person again.
The door almost hit Rose in the face. Autumn caught it just in time.
“What do you want?” Rose demanded, swiping at the tear stains on her face. God help her if Autumn figured out she’d been moping for the last six hours.
Autumn’ s chest heaved. “I couldn’t… I tried. I tried to do it.”
“Do what?”
“I had another client. A regular.” Autumn raked a hand through her dark hair. “I got there, and she needed me, but I couldn’t help her. It made me physically sick, the idea of getting into bed with her. All I could think about was…was you. ”
Rose hugged herself. “I don’t understand. You left me. ”
“The hardest thing I’ ve ever fucking done.”
“No, you you said you didn’t feel it.”
“I lied,” Autumn said. “Because I was scared.”
“Of what? Of me?”
“Of losing you. Of having you. The responsibility of loving you, it’ s so big, and I’ ve never done it before. But I want to try. Because it’ s you. ”
Rose sniffled. A single hot tear leaked free.
Autumn stepped forward. Extended her wrist, pulse point up, releasing a fresh burst of cinnamon and nutmeg into the air. “Bite me. Mate me. Please.”
Rose couldn’t help it: she took a step toward her alpha. “You really want me?”
“I do.” But Autumn didn’t take Rose by force, didn’t pull her in for a kiss. She simply waited. “Do you want me?”
Rose nodded, and she smiled for the first time since Autumn had packed her bags. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” And she offered her wrist in return.
Together they bit down the world lit up around them. The mating bond snapped into place, and it was right. Rose felt Autumn’ s anxiety, her joy, deep in her chest like they were her own.
“My pretty omega. ” Autumn swept Rose up into her arms and spun her in the moonlight. “Mine.”
Delighted, Rose could only hold on for the ride.
My alpha. In every way that mattered.
About the Author
Aurora Blackwood is an erotica author who specializes in queer stories, especially women loving women. You can connect with her on Twitter and Medium.
You can connect with me on:
https://twitter.com/AuthorAurora https://medium.com/@AuthorAurora
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my definition of “belief” purely behaviouristic. I have framed the definition so as not to involve a decision on the question of introspection.
The subject of truth and falsehood may be subdivided as follows:
A. Formal Theory.—Given the meanings of the component words, what decides whether a sentence is true or false?
B. Causal Theory.—Can we distinguish between truth and falsehood by (a) their causes, (b) their effects?
C. Individual and Social Elements.—A statement is a social occurrence, a belief is something individual. How can we define a belief, and what is it when not composed of words?
D. Consistency and Truth.—Can we get outside the circle of beliefs or statements to something else which shows them true, not merely consistent? In other words, what possible relation is there between propositions and facts?
It is very hard to disentangle these questions. The first question, as to formal theories, leads to the fourth, as to the relations of propositions to facts. E.g. “Brutus killed Cæsar” is true because of a certain fact; what fact? The fact that Brutus killed Cæsar. This keeps us in the verbal realm, and does not get us outside it to some realm of non-verbal fact by which verbal statements can be verified. Hence our fourth problem arises. But this leads us to our second problem, as to causes and effects of what is true or false, for it is here that we shall naturally look for the vital relation between propositions and facts. And here again we must distinguish between thinking truly and speaking truly. The former is an individual affair, the latter a social affair. Thus all our problems hang together.
I will begin with C, the difference between a belief and a statement. By a “statement” I mean a form of words, uttered or
written, with a view to being heard or read by some other person or persons, and not a question, interjection, or command, but such as we should call an assertion. As to the question what forms of words are assertions, that is one for the grammarian and differs from language to language. But perhaps we can say rather more than that. The distinction, however, between an assertion and an imperative is not sharp. In England, notices say “Visitors are requested not to walk on the grass”. In America, they say “Keep off! This means you.” Effectively, the two have the same meaning: yet the English notice consists only of a statement, while the American notice consists of an imperative followed by a statement which must be false if read by more than one person. In so far as statements are intended to influence the conduct of others, they partake of the nature of imperatives or requests. Their characteristic, however, is that they endeavour to effect their aim by producing a belief which may or may not exist in the mind of the speaker. Often, however, they express a belief, without stopping to consider the effect upon others. Thus a statement may be defined as a form of words which either expresses a belief or is intended to create one. Our next step, therefore, must be the definition of “belief”.
“Belief” is a word which will be quite differently defined if we take an analytic point of view from the way in which we shall define it if we regard the matter causally. From the point of view of science, the causal point of view is the more important. Beliefs influence action in certain ways; what influences action in these ways may be called a belief, even if, analytically, it does not much resemble what would ordinarily be so called. We may therefore widen our previous definition of belief. Consider a man who goes to the house where his friend used to live, and, finding he has moved, says, “I thought he still lived here”, whereas he acted merely from habit without thought. If we are going to use words causally, we ought to say that this man had a “belief” and therefore a “belief” will be merely a characteristic of a string of actions. We shall have to say: A man “believes” a certain proposition p if, whenever he is aiming at any result to which p is relevant, he acts in a manner calculated to achieve the result if p is true, but not otherwise. Sometimes this gives definite results, sometimes not. When you call a telephone number, it is clear that
you believe that to be the number of the subscriber you want. But whether you believe in the conservation of energy or a future life may be harder to decide. You may hold a belief in some contexts and not in others; for we do not think in accordance with the socalled “Laws of Thought”. “Belief” like all the other categories of traditional psychology, is a notion incapable of precision.
This brings me to the question whether the truth or falsehood of a belief can be determined either by its causes or by its effects. There is, however, a preliminary difficulty. I said just now that A believes p if he acts in a way which will achieve his ends if p is true. I therefore assumed that we know what is meant by “truth”. I assumed, to be definite, that we know what is meant by “truth” as applied to a form of words. The argument was as follows: From observation of a person’s acts, you infer his beliefs, by a process which may be elaborate as the discovery of Kepler’s Laws from the observed motions of the planets. His “beliefs” are not assumed to be “states of mind”, but merely characteristics of series of actions. These beliefs, when ascertained by observation, can be expressed in words; you can say, e.g. “This person believes that there is a train from King’s Cross at 10 . .” Having once expressed the belief in words of which the meaning is known, you have arrived at the stage where formal theories are applicable. Words of known meaning, put together according to a known syntax, are true or false in virtue of some fact, and their relation to this fact results logically from the meanings of the separate words and the laws of syntax. This is where logic is strong.
It will be seen that, according to what we have said, truth is applicable primarily to a form of words, and only derivatively to a belief. A form of words is a social phenomenon, therefore the fundamental form of truth must be social. A form of words is true when it has a certain relation to a certain fact. What relation to what fact? I think the fundamental relation is this: a form of words is true if a person who knows the language is led to that form of words when he finds himself in an environment which contains features that are the meanings of those words, and these features produce reactions in him sufficiently strong for him to use words which mean them.
Thus “a train leaves King’s Cross at 10 ” is true if a person can be led to say, “It is now 10 . ., this is King’s Cross, and I see a train starting”. The environment causes words, and words directly caused by the environment (if they are statements) are “true”. What is called “verification” in science consists in putting oneself in a situation where words previously used for other reasons result directly from the environment. Of course, given this basis, there are innumerable indirect ways of verifying statements, but all, I think, depend upon this direct way.
The above theory may be thought very odd, but it is partly designed to meet the fourth of our previous questions, namely, “How can we get outside words to the facts which make them true or false?” Obviously we cannot do this within logic, which is imprisoned in the realm of words; we can only do it by considering the relations of words to our other experiences, and these relations, in so far as they are relevant, can hardly be other than causal. I think the above theory, as it stands, is too crude to be quite true. We must also bring in such things as expectedness, which we discussed earlier. But I believe that the definition of truth or falsehood will have to be sought along some such lines as I have indicated.
I want in conclusion to indulge in two speculations. The first concerns a possible reconciliation of behaviourism and logic. It is clear that, when we have a problem to solve, we do not always solve it as the rat does, by means of random movements; we often solve it by “thinking”, i.e. by a process in which we are not making any overt movements. The same thing was sometimes true of Köhler’s chimpanzees. Now what is involved in the possibility of solving a problem by verbal thinking? We put words together in various ways which are not wholly random, but limited by previous knowledge of the sort of phrase that is likely to contain a solution of our problem. At last we hit upon a phrase which seems to give what we want. We then proceed to an overt action of the kind indicated by the phrase; if it succeeds, our problem is solved. Now this process is only intelligible if there is some connection between the laws of syntax and the laws of physics—using “syntax” in a psychological rather than a grammatical sense. I think this connection is assumed in logic
and ordinary philosophy, but it ought to be treated as a problem requiring investigation by behaviourist methods. I lay no stress on this suggestion, except as giving a hint for future investigations. But I cannot think that the behaviourist has gone far towards the solution of his problem until he has succeeded in establishing a connection between syntax and physics. Without this, the efficacy of “thought” cannot be explained on his principles.
My second speculation is as to the limitations which the structure of language imposes upon the extent of our possible knowledge of the world. I am inclined to think that quite important metaphysical conclusions, of a more or less sceptical kind, can be drawn from simple considerations as to the relation between language and things. A spoken sentence consists of a temporal series of events; a written sentence is a spatial series of bits of matter. Thus it is not surprising that language can represent the course of events in the physical world; it can, in fact, make a map of the physical world, preserving its structure in a more manageable form, and it can do this because it consists of physical events. But if there were such a world as the mystic postulates, it would have a structure different from that of language, and would therefore be incapable of being verbally described. It is fairly clear that nothing verbal can conform or confute this hypothesis.
A great deal of the confusion about relations which has prevailed in practically all philosophies comes from the fact that relations are indicated, not by relations, but by words which are as substantial as other words. Consequently, in thinking about relations, we constantly hover between the unsubstantiality of the relation itself and the substantiality of the word. Take, say, the fact that lightning precedes thunder. We saw earlier that to express this by a language closely reproducing the structure of the fact, we should have to say simply: “lightning, thunder”, where the fact that the first word precedes the second means that what the first word means precedes what the second word means. But even if we adopted this method for temporal order, we should still need words for all other relations, because we could not without intolerable ambiguity symbolise them also by the order of our words. When we say “lightning precedes
thunder”, the word “precedes” has a quite different relation to what it means from that which the words “lightning” and “thunder” have to what they respectively mean. Wittgenstein12 says that what really happens is that we establish a relation between the word “lightning” and the word “thunder”, namely the relation of having the word “precedes” between them. In this way he causes relations to be symbolised by relations. But although this may be quite correct, it is sufficiently odd to make it not surprising that people have thought the word “precedes” means a relation in the same sense in which “lightning” means a kind of event. This view, however, must be incorrect. I think it has usually been held unconsciously, and has produced many confusions about relations which cease when it is exposed to the light of day—for example, those which lead Bradley to condemn relations.
12 Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus (Kegan Paul).
In all this I have been considering the question of the relation between the structure of language and the structure of the world. It is clear that anything that can be said in an inflected language can be said in an uninflected language; therefore, everything that can be said in language can be said by means of a temporal series of uninflected words. This places a limitation upon what can be expressed in words. It may well be that there are facts which do not lend themselves to this very simple schema; if so, they cannot be expressed in language. Our confidence in language is due to the fact that it consists of events in the physical world, and, therefore, shares the structure of the physical world, and therefore can express that structure. But if there be a world which is not physical, or not in space-time, it may have a structure which we can never hope to express or to know. These considerations might lead us to something like the Kantian a priori, not as derived from the structure of the mind, but as derived from the structure of language, which is
the structure of the physical world. Perhaps that is why we know so much physics and so little of anything else. However, I have lapsed into mystical speculation, and will leave these possibilities, since, by the nature of the case, I cannot say anything true about them.
