NEWS
NOT NEWS
Nexus Saves The CBD
Zeppelins: WTF: Waikato Times Straighten Up and Focus Fly Reich Headlines from the Waikato Times.
Airship Paris is promoting a new way to see the French city and it’s country surrounds. Unfortunately that “new way” is via Zeppelins. Now if you first year history majors are getting that awful sense of DeJa Vu it may be because you are capable of actual thought which apparently is something that has seemingly escaped the wonderful tourism promoters of Airship Paris. Christ when the Christchurch earthquake happened some elderly Europeans thought the tanks were back, could you imagine how a French Octogenarian is going to react when the see a Zeppelin out their window? Also side note: If you fly a Zeppelin while watching Wizard of Oz... you may be too stoned to fly a Zeppelin.
Sometimes Elected Officials Can Be Children A few weeks ago we reported that the fouryear-old Mayor Robert “Bobby” Tuft was pounding the pavement in between nap time to be re-elected in Dorsett Northern Minnesota. Apparently in Dorsett the post is largely ceremonial and you can literally buy votes. New friend of Nexus Teina Walters said that this sort of stupid made a joke of local council elections and it is one of of the first thing he would seek to stomp out were he elected to the office of Mayor in this years Hamilton City Council Elections. 8
Well, now that we know you are sorry...
‘Cowardly’ attack on pizzaman Is there any other kind of attack on a guy delivering a pizza, really?
Chiefs go the whole hog Ok so technically the headline wasn’t the bad part but the subheading mentioned that “A spit roast” wasn’t a bad way to celebrate a super 15 win and, well, we are childish and immature.
Waikato fugitive denies murder
Residents of South Wales are reportedly angry over finding cannabis in over 30 pot plants around the CBD at part of a city’s new beautification process. Its at this point for once we have too many jokes for a story so please feel free to chose: a) “Well they did say pot plants on the form” b) The fact that residents are angered is absolutely proof why they needed to found a “New” South Wales c) What the fuck are we doing with new statues and water features? Does the mayor even know that cannabis was an option? Not only would it get everyone back to the CBD but they would be cataract free and we guarantee not a single fuck would be given about fluoride anymore.
We’re sorry: Fonterra
If he is on trial somewhere he is not a fugitive he is a former fugitive.
Soylent Green is... A Reference Most Of You Will Have To Look Up London scientists are claiming a world first in the production of a biosynthetic meat. Grown entirely in a testube the meat was given a first taste test as part of an engineered burger. The verdict? The two brave testers said that it lacked taste. While the consistency was right it could certainly use salt. We consulted the Nexus legal team who agreed with our position that if a group of London scientists are claiming to have engineered the worlds first tasteless, bland, not meat-meat substance then Bryant Hall can definitely charge them for copyright infringement and theft of intellectual property because bland non-meat has been a staple halls diet for years.
Shearer thought he was ‘assassin’ 1. Can we stop saying the guy with two swastikas painted on his face allegedly did something. He did it alright, the question was how crazy was he when he did it. 2. Did anyone else get excited when they looked at the headline and briefly thought that David Shearer and not “a shearer” thought he was an assassin.
Chiefs’ Aaron Cruden to wed This is not news.
Judge slams officer Used to describe the sentencing of the police officer who beat up his partner, manhandled her son and dragged her around by her hair. Do you think, maybe, Waikato Times Editorial Staff you can avoid using the word “slams” in domestic abuse cases, particularly when it doesn’t directly describe an act that lead to him being charged?