ISSUE 18, VOLUME 45
12 August 2013
WSU 2014 Presidential election. Who do you trust?
29 Hood Street, Hamilton Central
Ph (07) 9811321 * Discount applies to WINTEC or Uni Waikato card holders main meal only. Max discount $25. Must present student/ staff card prior to bill payment to redeem offer. Not valid with Frequent Diner Card, Kidâ€™s Eat Free, $9.90 lunches or any other offer or discount. Valid at Hogâ€™s Breath Hamilton.
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Editorial Team Editor Alix Higby firstname.lastname@example.org
Deputy Editors Louise Hutt & Jess Edmonds-Saunders email@example.com firstname.lastname@example.org News Editor zanian steele email@example.com Online Editor Alix Higby firstname.lastname@example.org
Graphic Designer Haylie Gray email@example.com
Managing Editor James Raffan firstname.lastname@example.org
Advertising Advertising Manager Tony Arkell email@example.com
Contributors C-Ball, Kathlene Cook, Daniel Petersen, Matt Hicks, Morgahna Godwin, HP, Danyell Summers, Dr Richard Swainson, Dr Burton C Bogan, Jess Molina, Caitlin Ashworth, Kevin Pyror, Nathan Sweetman, Kelsey Weld, Gil Denny, Amber, Tony Stevens, Nate Ross, Alessia Weir, Tom Petchell, Hoss and Ayman Aneece, Emma Knapp, Joe Citizen, Loren Corbett and Aaron Letcher
Print Fusion Print
Nexus Nexus is a member of the Aotearoa Student Press Association (ASPA). The views expressed in this publication are not necessarily the views of Nexus magazine, the WSU, Printers, the editor or any of our advertisers. Ground Floor, Student Union Building Gate One, University of Waikato Knighton Road, Hamilton online nexusmag.co.nz facebook.com/nexusmagNZ @waikatostudents
issue 18 / VOLUME 45 / 12 AUGUST / 2013 News
 University News.  News.  Sports Thoughts.  Not News.
 Third Degree + Guest Rant  Random Profile Top 10.  Lettuce to the Editor.
Entertainment and Reviews
 Film, Gig & CafĂŠ review. Horoscopes  Book, Comic & Album review. Horoscopes  @Honest_Matt Meets...  Eight Ball. Cool Not Cool.  Puzzles  Indian Ink  Feature - Candidate Interviews - Nexus asks the tough questions.  Feature - Nexus Makes a Mayor.
 Auteur + Making Living Cheaper  Boganology 101 + Google This  Religiousity + Little Beer Corner  Living Cheaper + 50 Shades of Gay  Slut DJ - Part Two of Three  Mr Minty Fish + Diary of a Single Girl  Alice & Anne + Trendspotting + SSC  Arts - Alessia Weir
 Ask Amber + Citizens Advice Bureau + Young Workers Resource Centre  Was This You?  Shit you can Do.
By Alix Higby
this week in nexus // Pg: 24
Meet our Mayoral Candidate
It’s time to cast your votes, people. If it helps, you can think of it like American Idol; mostly because we all know it’s going to end up being a popularity contest, and the least socially awkward person wins. Hmm. How about we think this through a little more. That chalking. Shit. Don’t just pick a guy based on whether or not you can remember his name. This may be how you decide to pick up a chick at the bar, but son, you can do better than that. Student politics has never really been about policy or core values because it’s just not that big a ball game, but deciding whom you will
paper you’re thinking about taking in summer school - just so you can keep your allowance and get high in bright pink and green bathing shorts in a paddling pool in your backyard. Just think a little harder. How can I do this better? For one, ditch the pink and green shorts. It’s also incredibly attractive if you know what you’re talking about and have genuine interests in life outside of “me me me.” There are plenty of things you can do to develop the elusive well-versed persona of more mature ‘we’ve got our shit together’ people. One; grow the fuck up and two; listen to what’s happening out there. Not in a Pocahontas ‘Colours of the Wind’ kind of way, because I’m pretty sure Mother Nature gave up on us when we punctured the Ozone
Yeah, we’re running with it. Check out our political poster boy on page 24 // Pg: 27
Our Last Boganology Column Burton C. Bogan is off to teach the world the ways of the bogan, so his triumpant return to student media has come to an end. For now... // Pg: 30
Slut DJ Epic
“Your vote can make or break that candidate’s hope and dreams. You have the power to destroy their political career prospects.” throw into the ballot box carries great cosmic significance. Your vote can make or break that candidate’s hope and dreams. You have the power to destroy their political career prospects. You may just put them off running for Prime Minister in 15 years time. This choice may prevent a future dictatorship or knock down one of the best leaders this country will ever see. Who knows? I just think you need to ponder for a while, because whatever, “you don’t use WSU services” (you do, by the way) your vote has power and it will change the course of history. Maybe I’m attributing a little too much earthly momentum to student politics, but I truly feel that we should make better-informed decisions all round. Whether it be politics, or the 2
layer… But try a Sunday morning (hungover or not) learning something new about a topic you’re unfamiliar with. Even if you’re just watching some underground film you’ve heard people talking about, but never got around to seeing. Basically I just equated learning about student politics to watching cult movies. It’s all the same to you people, isn’t it?
Discover this week, the second installment of our DJ’s horrifying weekend. // Pg: 20
Candiate Interviews We pose the hard questions so all you have to do is read. Who has your vote? // Pg: 19
Alix Kiss the Fish Award winning NZ theatre company, Indian Ink, is in town to premiere their latest work; Kiss the Fish. Showing all this week.
IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD The annual Winter Lecture Series continues this week with a closer look at understanding mental health; Wednesday 14 August from 6–7pm in the Concert Chamber at the Academy. All lectures are on Wednesdays in August and are free and open to the public. www.waikato.ac.nz/go/wls
STUDENT REPRESENTATION ON UNI COUNCIL The election of the 2014 student member to the University Council is coming up. Nominations open on Monday 2 September 2013 and close on Friday 13 September. All enrolled students are eligible to nominate and be nominated. Interested? Find out about what’s involved at www.waikato.ac.nz/ about/corporate/student-member/
CAREER DEVELOPMENT SERVICES RELOCATED Career Development Services has moved from the Chapel to the Gateway Building (TSR building, Gate 5). Whether you have your career already mapped out, or you have no idea where your studies will take you, Career Development Services is there to assist. This is a free service for all students and alumni of the University. www.waikato.ac.nz/sasd/careers
IMMINENT MAYHEM Waikato students with creative talents are invited to submit for consideration their
HOW MUCH ARE YOU DRINKING? Ever wondered how your drinking compares with your peers, and how this sits against known health benchmarks? A confidential, all-ages, online survey has been created that will give you research-based feedback on how your drinking compares with your peers. The survey link was in last week’s Student E-News.
original poetry and prose (fiction or creative non-fiction) for the inaugural edition of Mayhem, the University of Waikato’s new Literary Journal, to be launched in early 2014. Submission guidelines are available at www. facebook.com/MayhemLiteraryJournal or by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org
ASB GRADUATE PROGRAMME ASB Bank will be on campus this Friday 16 August from 1–2pm in SG.03 to talk to students about its graduate programme FUTURE ME. Open to all students.
ADULT LEARNERS’ AWARDS CLOSE TODAY Nominations for the Vice-Chancellor’s Adult Learners’ Awards close today, Monday 12 August. If you know an adult student who deserves recognition for their efforts, achievements and contributions toward study, nominate them for an award before 5pm. www.waikato.ac.nz/go/adultlearnersweek
NEWS CANDIDATES WASTE VALUABLE DRINKING TIME. The WSU candidate debates proved once again that people with good intentions, vision and leadership skills on the whole lack the ability to work a room with any mic skills (excluding The VP maori candidates... they were solid). Candidates spoke and answered questions, represented different clubs and interests well and have very different ideas for the future. One candidate even used the idea of Shapeshifter and Macklemore as examples of what they wanted to see for ORI14.The same candidate asked if anyone knew who was at ORI2013, Jamie Fucking McDell that’s who. An interesting time was had by all. Democracy is alive and well on campus even if entertainment value was down.
WSU still pissed with NZUSA while Nexus gets on the piss with NZUSA. 22 minutes after the most boring candidate speeches in history finished with all parties agreeing to disagree and possibly wanting a pub we decided it would be time to do something that actually had some intrinsic news value. So we went upstairs to a WSU meeting between the board of directors and NZUSA President Pete “paper rose” Hodkinson For those not playing along at home, basically the WSU had signalled an intent to withdraw from NZUSA because of a perceived lack of value. So Hodkinson came down for crisis talks. Caught up? Ready for what happened next? So were we, but from the beginning the board went into committee at the request of both parties and the students who were there were invited to stay on the basis that they didn’t go public with sensitive matters. In fairness it was a compromise to be as transparent as things would allow. Nexus was also given the option to stay on but couldn’t write about what was said. We opted to go to the pub instead. Best. Decision. Ever. We were joined at the pub by President Pete
for a Skint pizza and a pint of orange juice on the understanding that no one would talk shop because people who talk student politics at a pub usually die virgins. After a few hours and all the orange juice we could handle we moved from House to Diggers and then to Little George. We can’t actually report any updates but we did learn something that we think is pretty germain to the whole thing. Pete is actually a solid guy. More than that he genuinely wants to make it work. Whether he is equipped with the resources, skills or networks to do that to a level that satisfies the WSU, is yet to be determined. We also learned he does a pretty decent (Vegas Brown approved) rendition of Hotel California. Our read on it all is that the WSU wanted to make some NOISE because they were concerned, NZUSA genuinely wants to address those concerns and you will probably see an outcome that includes NZUSA providing a more comprehensive breakdown of the time it spends doing things so that it can be held accountable. Everybody wins, Cuban missile crisis averted.
In Their Words “At that point there was no belief by anyone that this was going to lead to concern for the consumer,” Fonterra head of New Zealand milk products Gary Romano “The current regime has..tried to turn the organisation into a pale imitation of a corporate outfit, with huge management salaries, and a so-called governance board that rubber-stamps management decisions.” Cr Dave Macpherson announcing his Mayoral bid “I am Batman, I’m the protector of Muscovites - I am not a mouse. People talk about me on the streets and not on the Internet.” - Sergei Mitrokhin, leader of the Yabloko party and candidate for Moscow mayor, telling journalist Ksenia Sobchak what makes him special “We’ve got the best fans, you guys are the best,” Chiefs Co-captain Liam Messam after 1,00 people turn out to a parade.
dollars earned in the Waikato this year through Student Job Search
2 Million $500,000
The cost of the new mansion HQ of the National Party.
12 Incarnations of The Doctor. Peter Capaldi was named the new series lead of Doctor Who in a live TV event
The amount pop singer Robin Thicke has spent on Marijuana this year
The hours Victoria Louise Carson will do community service for after importing 2kgs of banned party pills (12 months home detention).
The amount of money needed to save StarJam disabled charity
State houses David Shearer has claimed are vacant.
A Thousand Words A World War II American plane flies in front of a wall of fire as it takes part in a re-enactment of the attack on Pearl Harbor during an afternoon air show at the EAA AirVenture at Wittman Regional Airport in Oshkosh, Wisconsin August 3, 2013.
SPORTS THOUGHTS Schoolboy Rugby is Cashed Up - Deal with it.
I was at a loss about what topic to cover this week. I’ve been the victim or workplace abuse for writing 24 weeks of league, and my beloved sport of cricket has been ruined because Kate Middleton’s famous-for-noreason-whatsoever sister Pippa wrote about it in Vanity Fair and Jonathan Trott isn’t topping the run scoring in the Ashes so my bet is licking the coin purse something chronic. To compound matters, I already ripped on Benji Marshall recently. With that being said, my feelings haven’t changed and the Blues have just wasted five hundred grand they could’ve better spent on anything else really, provided it wasn’t old and dusty, slow and now very mediocre.
with scholarships. Apparently, St Kentigens invests in its premier team totals in excess of six hundred grand, all for the glory of being the best at the kick-and-clap game in New Zealand.
But the money Union seems set on wasting has lit a fire under someone’s ass recently. There’s been a lot said about Auckland schools throwing cash at their 1st XVs chasing school boy domination, while promising young players are poached from the poorer schools and other sports are left with crumbs to continue operating. People are up in arms. And despite the fact that it is sad to see the less fortunate schools resigned to a battle they will never be able to win, are we really surprised it has come to this?
The argument that the money is wasted because the majority of players don’t continue with the sport after school is irrelevant. Children from low socioeconomic backgrounds end up with a better education, you’d hope, because they can play. They are given an opportunity that otherwise doesn’t exist, and whether they continue with the sport or not isn’t important. I remember at Hamilton Boys High every year we had fresh faced Fijians, massive hulking lads who were lovely people and absolutely blessed just to be around. I even sat next to Henry Speight in Economics, and to this day think he’s the epitome of a genuine good cunt. I find it hard to think whatever funding went into him coming to New Zealand and getting an education at Boys High was simply wasteful. He was all smiles, totally stoked with his opportunity, and if anything opened my mind and many other’s to what a sport can do for someone. Now he plays for the Brumbies.
Rugby is this nation’s sport, and this is how the world works. We are operating in a free market, where everything goes and those with enough cash in hand can get what they want, when they want. Young rugby players with skills to pay the bills are in hot demand, and I find it rich that some people take umbrage from the fact that the more impressive schools in Auckland are simply gobbling up all the talent on offer
The money that is currently being thrown at school boy rugby isn’t the problem. Professional sport is cruel and only a few make it. Schools want to be the best to continue attracting the best, and that’s what we get for being a country so madly in love with rugby. A lot of students go to school simply to play their chosen sport, and I have no qualms with that if a school wants to pounce on them and give them a
scholarship for what they do on the playing field. The only real problem with school boy rugby is allowing players to return for a second or third year of 7th form, some of those players who have already passed NCEA Level 3 and don’t even need to attend class. This is where rules need to be made, because if a player has finished school, he’s finished school. If he hasn’t got NCEA Level 3 and returns for another year, he should only be focussing on that, not on another year of rugby. And for those who don’t bother with the education side of school and don’t continue with their sport, then that’s natural selection at its finest. The fact is professional sport is something the majority people dream of. It’s everything we could want. Big money to do something you love, and all the fame associated with it. If a talented individual is given a ticket out of their horrible neighbourhood to mix it with the rich, and doesn’t bother learning any other skills in the process, then so be it. As far as I’m concerned students still have to attend class. The resources to learn are right in front of them. If they can’t make a decision like this for themselves, then what difference would it have made if they had not been poached from their less fortunate school in the first place? And for those schools who are now butt hurt because they can’t compete – start up a debating club and maybe hire some teachers who inspire children to learn, as opposed to the usual mongaloid who’s just there to get paid. C-Ball.
THIS WEEK’S TOPIC: Should the WSU leave NZUSA?
So, the WSU is mulling over whether to end its membership with the central union body, the mothership of student politics, NZUSA. It’s an issue that has boiled the blood of some, and left many asking, “Why should I care? Where are the free sausages?” It is important though, and to understand why leaving NZUSA is not the most enlightened course of action, you need only reflect on New Zealand’s proud history of improving the accessibility and quality of tertiary education. In 1989, the first student allowance scheme was introduced after fervent campaigning by a nationwide body of student unions. More recent initiatives have included the massively popular interest free student loan scheme and support strategies for Maori students in a broader plan to narrow income disparity in New Zealand. These initiatives (and many more) have changed the landscape of tertiary education for the better, and they were made possible largely because of the unified political muscle of NZUSA. WSU has valid concerns with the way the organisation is currently functioning and it is not unreasonable to navigate a restorative conversation, but the end goal should be to continue working together. Only through collaboration and constructive discussion with unions across the country can NZUSA be an effective lobbying vehicle that also provides high quality training and opportunities to further the interests of students. If WSU walks away, it should be after the value of NZUSA has been fleshed out and rigorous consultation with students has been undertaken. It should not happen as a calculated move to disassociate from the union principles of transparency, representation, social justice and community empowerment, because plain and simple: that is bad news for students. WSU must reconcile with NZUSA so both organisations are in the strongest position to create positive change.
Let me start by stating that this isn’t your typical left vs right; it isn’t a two sided issue. The decision to withdraw from NZUSA isn’t one that divides people down ideological lines or political beliefs. How do I know? Because I am a card carrying, save the environment, free tibet, civil liberty wanting liberal. I also think we should leave NZUSA, which even as I write it, seems fucking retarded. What we are talking about is a Students’ Union leaving a Union of Students’ Unions’ because they feel they aren’t being effective. It should never have come to this but instead of critiquing the WSU for bringing a gun to a knife fight, we should be looking seriously at what made them do it in the first place.
Left vs Right
This isn’t left vs right; it’s operant conditioning; it’s pavlov’s dogs; It’s skinner and a bit of Maslow but most of all the WSU announcing their intention to withdraw from NZUSA is just good parenting.
Say what you like about Aaron Letcher (he’s ginger and bald and his mum dresses him) and the rest of the board but none of them are stupid enough to believe that a fully functioning, well resourced, and active NZUSA isn’t a good thing for students.
Going back to the parenting analogy they have watched as NZUSA has gone from a focused, outcome based organisation to something going through a rebellious teen phase. NZUSA doesn’t know what it wants to be when it grows up and what started with a few distractions (they had their heads turned by some pretty little polytechs back in 2006) has now developed into a full blown crisis. Pete and NZUSA have been off chasing the dragon (in this case membership to international umbrella organisations at the expense of things back home). The WSU have tried all the corrective parenting they could: support; cutting their allowance; they even made President Pete go through two voting rounds to be confirmed for a second term. Now it is intervention time. The WSU needs to kick NZUSA out of the house for a while. Make them face up to real life. No one is saying it is long term or there is no way back, they are just asking for NZUSA to get its shit sorted.
Nexus Saves The CBD
Zeppelins: WTF: Waikato Times Straighten Up and Focus Fly Reich Headlines from the Waikato Times.
Airship Paris is promoting a new way to see the French city and it’s country surrounds. Unfortunately that “new way” is via Zeppelins. Now if you first year history majors are getting that awful sense of DeJa Vu it may be because you are capable of actual thought which apparently is something that has seemingly escaped the wonderful tourism promoters of Airship Paris. Christ when the Christchurch earthquake happened some elderly Europeans thought the tanks were back, could you imagine how a French Octogenarian is going to react when the see a Zeppelin out their window? Also side note: If you fly a Zeppelin while watching Wizard of Oz... you may be too stoned to fly a Zeppelin.
Sometimes Elected Officials Can Be Children A few weeks ago we reported that the fouryear-old Mayor Robert “Bobby” Tuft was pounding the pavement in between nap time to be re-elected in Dorsett Northern Minnesota. Apparently in Dorsett the post is largely ceremonial and you can literally buy votes. New friend of Nexus Teina Walters said that this sort of stupid made a joke of local council elections and it is one of of the first thing he would seek to stomp out were he elected to the office of Mayor in this years Hamilton City Council Elections. 8
Well, now that we know you are sorry...
‘Cowardly’ attack on pizzaman Is there any other kind of attack on a guy delivering a pizza, really?
Chiefs go the whole hog Ok so technically the headline wasn’t the bad part but the subheading mentioned that “A spit roast” wasn’t a bad way to celebrate a super 15 win and, well, we are childish and immature.
Waikato fugitive denies murder
Residents of South Wales are reportedly angry over finding cannabis in over 30 pot plants around the CBD at part of a city’s new beautification process. Its at this point for once we have too many jokes for a story so please feel free to chose: a) “Well they did say pot plants on the form” b) The fact that residents are angered is absolutely proof why they needed to found a “New” South Wales c) What the fuck are we doing with new statues and water features? Does the mayor even know that cannabis was an option? Not only would it get everyone back to the CBD but they would be cataract free and we guarantee not a single fuck would be given about fluoride anymore.
We’re sorry: Fonterra
If he is on trial somewhere he is not a fugitive he is a former fugitive.
Soylent Green is... A Reference Most Of You Will Have To Look Up London scientists are claiming a world first in the production of a biosynthetic meat. Grown entirely in a testube the meat was given a first taste test as part of an engineered burger. The verdict? The two brave testers said that it lacked taste. While the consistency was right it could certainly use salt. We consulted the Nexus legal team who agreed with our position that if a group of London scientists are claiming to have engineered the worlds first tasteless, bland, not meat-meat substance then Bryant Hall can definitely charge them for copyright infringement and theft of intellectual property because bland non-meat has been a staple halls diet for years.
Shearer thought he was ‘assassin’ 1. Can we stop saying the guy with two swastikas painted on his face allegedly did something. He did it alright, the question was how crazy was he when he did it. 2. Did anyone else get excited when they looked at the headline and briefly thought that David Shearer and not “a shearer” thought he was an assassin.
Chiefs’ Aaron Cruden to wed This is not news.
Judge slams officer Used to describe the sentencing of the police officer who beat up his partner, manhandled her son and dragged her around by her hair. Do you think, maybe, Waikato Times Editorial Staff you can avoid using the word “slams” in domestic abuse cases, particularly when it doesn’t directly describe an act that lead to him being charged?
THIS WEEK ON TWITTER...
Jacinda Ardern @jacindaardern Off to Mana with David Shearer, Annette King & Kris Faafoi to announce new part of children’s policy.Will post details & pics of play dough! Sylvester Stallone @TheSlyStallone WILLIS OUT... HARRISON FORD IN !!!! GREAT NEWS !!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!! Rove McManus @Rove #ComedianMeals Raw Bean Williams B€n Hur£€¥ @benhurleycom #comedianmeals Rice Darby David Farrier @davidfarrier alarmed someone I know has “naughtynigger” as their top snapchat friend Steve Wrigley @wrigglemania Anybody want to move in next to me, we’ll start some beef and try to get on neighbors at war? #MakeUsFamous Hilary Barry @Hilary_Barry Will the ban on gang patches also include upturned collars, pearls and guernsey jerseys in some parts of the country? zachary flynn @zacharyflynn Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us. Guy Williams @guywilliamsguy Jono Pryor reading the paper at auckland airport... Skips straight to side swipe then cracks up for 10 minutes reading it. Nina Dobrev @ninadobrev To quote a great holiday song - “Its the most wonderful time of year...” @Sharkweek !!!!!!! #sharkweek Susan Burke @ThatSusanBurke If nobody knew what she looked like we’d all assume Natalie Portman was a fat girl. #fatgirlname Rebel Wilson @RebelWilson My hobbies include: pressing ‘Snooze’ on my phone alarm and then 9 minutes later pressing ‘Snooze’ again x
THIRD DEGREE GUEST RANT 01_ What are your plans for the teaching recess? 02_ Which WSU candidate campaign got your attention the most? 03_ Rhythm and Vines or Big Day Out? Why? Christian 20, Media and Creative Tech.
Going on a holiday to Waitangi
02_ Zanian. 03_ Big Day Out for sure. I don’t like the idea of being unclean for three days. Plus it’s a lot cheaper.
Abi 18, BA
Don’t get the idea it’s all out of town talent though – there’s plenty of locals in the mix keeping it real. Zena Elliott’s Glokool exhibition at the academy on Friday looks at how Maori and Pakeha world views can intersect and inform one another, resident street theatre actors from Free Lunch star in an interactive 360 degree film on the Monday, and home-grown hero Luke Thompson talks about making music (check out his website for his latest – did I mention free – album) on Wednesday afternoon.
01_ Sleep. Probably study. Sleep is top priority.
I haven’t noticed much, I’ve been off campus a lot. Probably Steele, that sticks in my head.
Big Day Out. Just my type of music!
Jade 18, Tourism Management.
01_ Sleep. Play sims! I need to catch up on my sims.
02_ Steele. It’s everywhere. 03_ Big Day Out just because RnV is gross.
Looks like another full on year for the Indie art scene in Hamilton, everywhere I look there’s an exhibition at Draw Inc, Artspost, Sandz, Ramp or just some random thing in the middle of town. What I particularly like is that it’s all free, which is a damn good thing when bugger-all else is free in Hamilton. Currently on is the 15th edition of the Spark festival which runs between the 12th and 16th August at Wintec, and has more art than you can shake a dead dog at. Not just arrrrt though: Weta animators, controversial journalists, experimental musos, fashion designers, film-makers, game developers and other creatives all just seem to converge into the city at the same time. Spooky really, all that naked talent wandering around hanging out drinking coffee and acting like they know you. You’d almost be forgiven for asking John Safran why he felt like making a documentary called Safran vs God, or pinching New York based fashion designer Zara Mirkin’s ideas. Or appropriating them, which is apparently alright and not theft at all but um.. homage. Allegedly.
Yes siree bob, glad I’m not an Aucklander. They can keep their wanky ‘better than you’ art cliques. What I like about Spark (and next month’s Hamilton Fringe) is that anyone can bowl up, check it out, get free drinks and ask international artists completely random questions. Now that’s what I call entertainment. Joe Citizen. SPARK INTERNATIONAL FESTIVAL OF MEDIA, ARTS and DESIGN On now until August 16th www.spark.net.nz for the programme or find us on Facebook
TOP TEN Top Ten Things you can do in the teaching recess. 10_
Why the name MASH? It is an acroymn of our names and also because our work is a ‘mash’ of all our design styles. How would you describe the different styles that each of you bring to MASH? Mary revels in using historic designs to develop new display faces that dabble in the past. Alice is an experimental, geometrically focused typographer who is heavily influenced by the grid. Saranna is passionate about custom lettering and anything with a good swash. Haylie combines a contemporary aesthetic with a spice of eclectic flair. What is the best thing you’ve ever done design-wise? We are proud of all the work we have produced so far and each project allows us to develop our skills more and more. What was it like preparing for SPARK the second time around? It has been a lot trickier this time round as we are all in separate locations across the world rather than all being together in Hamilton. Where does MASH hope to take design post-SPARK? We have plenty of ideas for future projects as well as an exciting job that we will be starting straight after the exhibition is done. Is there a favourite piece that you’ve done? I think every single piece of type that MASH has designed holds a lot of significance to us. You have $1000 dollars, do you spend it all on sunglasses or shoes? SHOES of course! Heels and sneakers all the way! Although that would probably get us each a pair of Karen Walkers haha.
Describe your perfect burger. Any burger from burgerfuel is the perfect burger! It has to have lotsa aioli and be accompanied with great hot chips and a bottle of L & P to top it off! If you could go back in time, what date/time would you travel to? I love ‘now’. If I had to travel back in time, I’d only travel back maybe the last 10 years… hehe You can watch 3 movies only for the rest of your life. What are they? 1. Hangover 2. Pitch Perfect (aca-awesome) 3. Romeo and Juliet or maybe the Great Gatsby or maybe UP or maybe Moulin Rouge. Best and worst restaurant experiences you’ve ever had. Best - Iguana dessert night. So much deliciousness. Worst - Not being let into Iguana for dessert night because they are fully booked. Would you rather be trapped in the bathroom with a tiger, or fall into a bear enclosure whilst on Panda Watch? Trapped in bathroom with tiger for sure. Tigers are awesome. I’d Life-of-Pi that situation, or be ripped to shreds while admiring his beauty. Win, win.. almost.
Sleep. Because if you sleep all break, you won’t need to sleep during term ...right?
09_ Go home. Scab as many home
cooked meals off your parents as you can.
08_ Get out of the city. Take a trip
out to Raglan, it’s kinda nearly almost summer...
07_ Work. Get that money guuurl. 06_ Have a life. How about catching up
with those friends you’ve been blowing off all semester.
05_ Build a blanket fort. No one said
you had to do grown up things.
04_ Get outrageously drunk. No one
said you had to do responsible things either.
03_ Catch up on that damn course
work. Might as well start those readings now...
02_ Start thinking about jobs. Because
it really is almost summer. Have fun. Because undoubtably the rest of semester won’t be.
Han Solo or Luke Skywalker? (trick question) chewbacca. RUUrhrGUGGHRhghg ghrRURURUghGHrrr. If you could bring anything into existence, what would it be? Kevin - the bird from UP. What would you most likely be thrown into jail for? Kidnapping Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles.
LETTUCE TO THE EDITOR. Nexus loves getting your letters. We also love it if they are funny, intelligent and well written. Mainly we will be happy if you keep them under 250 words, it saves us having to cut them down. Please remember to give us a real name when you send them in even if you want to write with an alias. Email us at Lettuce@nexusmag.co.nz or... facebook.com/nexusmagNZ
Chalk Dust Can Kill Dear Lettuce Thanks to most of the campaign teams for insulting my intelligence by thinking my vote would be swayed by excessive, tacky and messy chalking on the S block stairs and everywhere else! As if the S Block stairs weren’t already a pain in the ass to walk up. To be honest, I am going to vote like Nexus told me and vote for the good looking one(s). This is because Nexus is always (sometimes) right. Sincerely. Praying for rain and lots of it!
They also advertise umbrellas so they are kind of saying stay protected Dear Nexus, Is it just me, or is the Campus Pharmacy really a telling sign of how ridiculous society is? They advertise a free morning after pill, yet there’s nothing about condoms or other contraceptives. I do not understand how it is acceptable for an organisation to basically advertise a murder pill? Not only that, they’re saying “hey, I don’t care if you’re an immoral slut, when the shit hits the fan, we can help you be a murdering asswipe”.
Campus Food Costs Too Much. Also grass is green, sky is blue
Being a slut is far too accepted. How about you guys put your penises away and girls close your legs? Cool.
With love Someone with a few morals
Do you know what really annoys me? What really keeps me up at night? The price of food on campus! It’s ridiculous. I mean how can the charge those exuberant prices? I hope it keeps them up at night too. I bet they don’t even do anything nice like give their leftover food to charity. I would have more respect and probably sleep better at night if I knew that they did something better for society. So thank you Lettuce for making me feel like someone can listen to my rants. If anyone reads this, also thanks for making me feel listened to. From the person you are glad is not your moaning flatmate.
Vote, or Don’t. Whatever. Sup Nexus Is it just me, or do students here simply not give a shit? With the WSU election campaigning the last could weeks, people seem to have just been more annoyed about people trying to inform them. This stuff is pretty important, but people just don’t care. Redeem yourself, Waikato. Get out and vote. There’s still blurbs around from candidates, so you can be at least a little informed when you go and tick some boxes. It’s only going to take a couple minutes, but you’re going to make sure that you help shape your university. Regards A Voter
DISCLAIMER Letters published contain the opinion of the writer and the writer alone. Nexus publications take no responsibility for the content or opinions so expressed. By submitting your letter you give consent to its publication in Nexus and subsequent public scrutiny. Letters are the authors own work and Nexus will not edit to compensate for lack of intelligence or coherency. Nexus reserves the right to edit or refuse to publish any letter which breaches any law, is defamatory to any person, or contains threats of violence or hate speech.
entertainment & reviews
LIDO CINEMA film
Now You See Me
Pikmin 3 pay & cafÉ
Bechdel test: fail
Is this the game to change the flagging fortunes of the Wii-U? Probably not, though it’s a start. One thing I do know, though, is that Pikmin 3 is a blast! We’ve been waiting nearly 10 years for a new Pikmin and though it doesn’t offer much to set itself apart from its predecessors, it takes the tried and true formula and polishes it to within an inch of its life.
While the trailer might have you thinking it’s the next Ocean’s Eleven with more special effects; Now You See Me hardly lives up to the thriller genre it’s been labelled as. “They both steal lots of money” is about the end of the Ocean’s Eleven similarities. With too much plot to work through and no time for character development, the characters are fairly wooden and uninteresting. Isla Fisher is particularly boring as Jesse Eisenberg’s love interest, a detail what wasn’t needed (take a leaf out of Pacific Rim’s book, come on). Melanie Laurent was in the same boat as Audrey Tautou in The Da Vinci Code; excellent French actress put in some poor secondary role in a big budget American film. Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine were about as good as you could expect, considering the script and plot. The special effects, while fairly slick and well executed, did undermine their supposed skills as magicians. It’s much more difficult to believe in their skills when the special effects make it seem too effortless. As these effects are nothing new to modern film audiences, it begs the questions of would this film had worked better ten, fifteen years ago when effects like this would have been a show stopper? The plot itself is interesting and it’s nice to see an original film, not the twentieth adaptation of a comic or novel. It does leave some details unresolved, an obvious lead in for a sequel although not detracting from it as a standalone film.
Pikmin 3 is all about exploration and it’s an absolute joy wandering around its giant world. There’s a strangely nostalgic magic to its 20 hours of play time that will warm even the coldest heart. Maybe the most exciting aspect of Pikmin 3 is its visuals. Fans have been dying to see what Nintendo are capable of producing with the power of an HD console and though we’ve had New Super Mario Bros Wii-U and NintendoLand already, Pikmin 3 is the first and the best example of Nintendo pushing the limits of its new Hardware. You won’t be disappointed; watching each individual Pikmin running around the gorgeously rendered environments is a joy and the outstanding enemy and level design constantly astonishes. Pikmin 3 represents the beginning of a wave of new Wii-U software to hit us in the coming months. Titles like Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze, Bayonetta 2 and Super Mario 3D World will be launching soon with the hope of shocking the Wii-U back to life. If those titles are half as fun to play as Pikmin 3 is, then I can’t wait. Pikmin 3 proves that no one does it quite like Nintendo and I certainly wish them luck.
Demi-Urgos Rating: Demi-Urgos, north-end Victoria Street, is hip. Hip as defined by hipsters. The café has references to Star Wars on the walls as well as local art for sale and a pin board with local businesses and artist groups tagged to it. A large working-style table had piles of The New Yorker as well as Batman comics and copies of Hamilton’s local artist magazine Riff Raff stacked upon it. The music was contemporary indie and the whole place gave off an ‘I am eclectic feel’. It was obvious that the café was a regular coffee stop for the local businesses, as important looking people would walk in with lists of orders, place them on the counter with a nod and walk back out - a coffee runner disappearing with armfuls of coffee several minutes later. My coffee came served with a jaffa and was coffee-tastic. The glass it was in made for the kind of nice drinking that only a glass-servedhot-drink can: fancy, yet a little odd all at once. It looked good, it tasted good and you could tell that the people making it were proper barristers who have competitions to see who can make the glossiest ‘magazine cover’ milk and the most healthy looking ferns (or animals). Demi-Urgos is cool and obviously pleases many regulars. I will go back there because I didn’t get a chance to finish the batman story I was in to! Kathlene Cook
(21 mar - 20 apr)
(21 apr - 21 may)
(22 may - 21 june)
Venus is strong this week but if you are being objective Serena has had the better career.
Change is coming. Or it isn’t who gives a fuck about student politics.
This week you should sing and dance like no one is watching you. Then you will truly know what it is like to be a 9/10 of X-Factor’s top ten.
entertainment & reviews
MARK ONE COMIC
Without Your Love oOoOO
First of all. If you haven’t seen it already, google “Reza Aslan Fox News” to see a reasonable and overly tolerant professor and author being persecuted because he is a Muslim who wrote a book on Jesus. After you do that you will get why Zealot made it to my reading list. The book is a scholarly supposition of Jesus the man. The idea put forth by Aslan is that Jesus was an illiterate day labourer who became caught up in the politics of the day and was elevated to the role of political demagogue because he was a captivating public speaker who spoke out on issues of social justice, and a revolution in care for the needy.
August Moon by Diana Thung is further evidence confirming my belief that there really are no bad comic books out there. I delayed reviewing August Moon for as long as I could; everything about it, from its vague cover, to the black and white pages that I hastily flicked through all failed to interest me at all. It seems that I literally judged this book by its cover; however, it’s fantastic.
Without Your Love is the first full-lengther from San Francisco producer Chris Dexter aka oOoOO. His music has been described as “witch house”, a term he shrugged off in a recent interview in NZ. This is a sub-genre that may or may not encapsulate the dreamy shifting soundscapes he is known for in the world of electronic music.
Aslan is a talented writer and the work is scholarly in its construction but it feels a little worn. He certainly isn’t the first person to try and contextualise Jesus in the history of the period and if I am honest he doesn’t do it as well as some of his contemporaries on the subject. The one thing that Zealot does better than most of the others is it packs a lot of information in. If you are new to the concept or want as much background as possible then Zealot is the book for you.. If however you want more development on the themes and concepts then maybe Christian Beginnings: From Nazareth to Nicaea, AD 30-325 is a better use of your money.
There’s a sweet nostalgia that bleeds through its pages and August Moon succeeds in doing what this type of story demands: it transports you to its world. It’s a world that brings back the warm feelings of childhood when we were free to roam the streets with our friends and when a whole world existed just out of sight of adults. August Moon wears its influences on its chest and the biggest debt owed, by far, is to Studio Ghibli. I don’t have enough word-space to cover the stories plot, so this comparison to Studio Ghibli, I hope, is all you’ll need to know. It was on a miserable winters morning that I finished reading August Moon and it was an experience that left me feeling light-hearted and fully satisfied: a rare feat for an uninteresting looking, black and white graphic novel. And with an abundance of miserable winter days ahead, you could do far worse than picking this book up.
The album plays closer to a soundtrack score than a traditional House album and that is often its very appeal. The title track sees the woozy sonics and drifting vocals merge in a slow but deliberate pattern. There is a likeness to the spaciest music from Massive Attack and DJ Shadow or the more trance influences of acts like hummel or NZ’s own Watercolours infused in this song. But this isn’t an album of lullabies. There is an edge, sometimes just below the surface. It’s clearest in the grinding and sparking on songs like Mouchette or in the sludgy beats on Misunderstood. A couple of misfires here unfortunately, like the aptly named but hard to listen to, Crossed Wires. It is a track that suits the soundtrack feel to the album, but grates in a way that loses some of the previous goodwill oOoOO has established. Despite this, oOoOO has pushed forward the concepts of electronic music and created something like music for ghosts trapped underwater. Because of that and sometimes in spite of it, he has come up with a solid debut that’s seriously worth checking out.
Daniel Petersen As an atheist I was mainly intrigued by this book because of the Fox News interview but I don’t regret reading or buying it.
(22 june - 23 july)
(24 july - 23 aug)
(24 aug - 23 sep)
You should wear more Hawaiian shirts.
Bryant hall are dicks (this horoscope was brought to you thanks to a generous donation by the kids at Student Village).
You will meet the girl of your dreams behind the counter at uni-mart.
entertainment & reviews
Matt Hicks has a chat to Chopper Reedz of Fat Freddy’s Drop about the new album ‘Blackbird‘, and touring the world. How long did your new album ‘Blackbird’ take to make? I think we’ve been at it for the last two years on and off – and the past 12 months in particular have been. Any standout tracks on the album you think we really gotta listen out for? It’s ALL-good. My favourites are Blackbird, Soldier and Mother, Mother. They are all pretty deep. We loved your video for ‘Clean The House’. Do you have any more music videos in the works? MC Slave (who tours and performs with us) is always working on ideas. I know he wants to bust out the ‘mini-me mannequins’ for some more tomfoolery. You guys are constantly traveling around. What are the best and worst things about life on the road? The best bit is getting to explore new cities and catching some culture, food and record
shopping along the way. The worst is being away from my wife and son.
What would you guys be doing if you weren’t musicians? Any of the boys have jobs outside the band?
You’ve gallivanted all around the world. Is their any country in particular that has a strong FFD following? We always get good crowds in Holland and Denmark. And they are mighty pretty in those countries too, (we have a strong following for them too).
I used to run the digital music business for a telco, and Hopepa worked as a makeup artist for the LOTR movie. But at the moment we’re running fulltime to try and keep up with Blackbird and the work that releasing the record has generated.
What artist’s/bands/things inspire/influence Fat Freddy’s Drop? Between the 7 of us we listen to a huge range of music – it all gets in their sooner or later. At the moment we’re digging that afrotechno sound – Ne Noya (Cos-Ber-Zam) and Nyiduonge Drums (Owiny Sigoma Band) are good examples. What did you think of the state of the NZ reggae/dub/roots at the mo? There are a few of us (The Black Seeds, Katchafire, Freddys, Sal Dub etc) that have been doing it for a while on the international stage. I’d like to hear some young bands twist it into something new – a hybrid of that sound and electronica and take that out to the world.
When did you all decide you where gonna give this music thing a good crack? I think it just took over. Most of us had other irons in the fire (university study, studio work, DJing etc) and more and more books started going in the calendar. It was a gradual realization that this could be a (modest) living. What’s been your finest crazy rock n roll moment so far? Some are unprintable, but probably don’t fit the description of being our ‘finest’ moments. Headlining the Jazz & World Stage at Glastonbury was pretty epic. The crowd was so huge it just took your breath away. Full interview available at soundzgood.co.nz
(24 sep - 23 oct)
(24 oct - 22 nov)
(23 nov - 21 dec)
Smoke less weed.
Like Einstein said all things are relative for you this week. But Einstein had syphilis so can you really trust anything he said.
Sssh don’t tell anyone the score in the Chief’s final I have it myskyed (bought to you by last week’s back page mistake).
08 entertainment & reviews
COOL VS NOT COOL
tHREE THINGS THAT ARE AWESOME RIGHT NOW AND THREE THINGS THAT AREN’T SO MUCH. COOL NZ International Film Festival Grab an Americano, your beret, and watch all the beautiful elitist things.
Welcome to the 8 ball. In the depths of my gooey black ass I will answer the secrets OF THE universe. You may not like MY answerS but lets be honest who else is going to tell you the truth, ugly.
Will one of the WSU candidates not make the start line in 2014 once elected? Let’s hope so. You all know who I’m talking about. Playa, play up or play on? What’s the one to roll with this semester? Play on playa. [virtual hi-five]
Hamilton’s Cat of the Day. Because cats don’t need to give permission to use their photograph.
What will snoops next animal name be? All signs point to bunny. But guniea fowl is also up there. What’s your snuggle pass? Fried eggs. Favourite colour? Khaki.
Say it with me, TEACHING RECESS: DRUNK ERRYDAY. SEE YOU IN TWO WEEKS.
Struggling for questions... What your fav this year? *imagine Elton John lyrics here* Will China ever like our milky goodness again? Well, lets be honest without our ‘milky goodness’ China would be one shitty cup of black tea.
NOT COOL Dead Sharks on Subways. That is not how you celebrate shark week, dickhead. #shoutoutJamieMcDell.
Will Charlotte leave Geordie shore? Cockblock crusaders for life.
Bruce Willis’ Attitude If you don’t want to make movies anymore…. Don’t make movies anymore?
#Twogging “Twerking on or around a dog” someone call the RSPCA.
(22 dec - 20 jan)
(21 jan - 19 feb)
(20 feb - 20 mar)
Sit in all your lectures this week reading a playboy magazine. Most people won’t even start a conversation with you but the ones that do will be interesting.
You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Taylor Swift has money success and fame. The lesson for you in today’s horoscope is become a mediocre guitarist, fail in every relationship and then write catchy songs where you bitch about men. 17
entertainment & reviews
Puzzle Page Complete the puzzle page, be the first to bring it in and show us, and you’ll win stuff!
Each oval contains a different number 1-11. Follow the clues to find the correct location of each number in the Numerator diagram. Note: ‘Left’ or ‘Right’ is from your point of view and means any location along the same horizontal line. ‘Above’ or ‘Below’ means any location along the same vertical line. Clues: Number 6 is above 3 and right of 9. Number 9 is below 2 and right of 11. Number 7 is above 4 and left of 10. Number 1 is above 8 and left of 5. Number 7 is right of 8.
Across 1. Banquet (5) 4. Velocity (5) 7. Golfing accessory (3) 8. Wild (7) 9. Fake (5) 10. Long narrative poem (4) 14. Fencing sword (4) 15. Temperamental (5) 18. Large imposing house (7) 20. Peculiar (3) 21. Lukewarm (5) 22. Part of the leg (5)
Down 1. Festival (4) 2. Amazing (7) 3. Second sign of the zodiac (6) 4. Location (4) 5. Type of tree (3) 6. Subtract (6) 11. Security device (7) 12. Recluse (6) 13. Part of the eye (6) 16. Discover (4) 17. Not in action (4) 19. Short sleep (3) 5 letter words ANKLE ARENA AVERT
CADET CUBES IRATE SCARE STEER TIGHT TRIBE TUTOR VAGUE 6 letter words AMUSED ECHOED MAGNET SMOOTH
7 letter words AMNESIA AVERAGE DIALECT DITHERS EDITION HABITAT MANSION OBELISK OBVERSE OUTLAWS RETRACT TANGENT
Indian Ink Nexus talks to Jacob Rajan from acclaimed NZ theatre company Indian Ink about their latest theatre adventure; Kiss the Fish, their recent tour of the U.S and how they manage to keep doing what they do when they do it.
When did you discover your love for theatre? In the mid 80s I was doing a Bachelor of Science, majoring in Microbiology, at Otago University and found myself sneaking off to Allen Hall to watch student theatre productions. Although I was far too shy to participate I think the door to that world creaked opened then. You founded the company in 1997, what has been your biggest challenge over such a long career? How do you keep your passion for the arts alive? It’s not really a career, more like a chronic gambling addiction. The challenge is making a living out of doing this thing I love and balancing the needs of family with the demands of being a touring company. I keep my passion for the arts alive by constantly searching out things with which to feed my soul: going to Italy to study commedia dell’arte, going to Bali to study Topeng mask dance and shadow puppetry, attending workshops by inspiring theatre practitioners like John Bolton. How did you find audiences in NYC compared to NZ? Brilliant. There’s nothing like performing to a home crowd but there’s something pretty special about performing in the performing arts capital of the world and the audience loving it.
We have to ask. Why a premiere in Hamilton? Why not? It’s NZ’s fourth largest city, we get great audiences and my brother lives here. Where have you had the best response to your work? I don’t really know how you quantify response. 5 star review and selling out for a month in Edinburgh was amazing. Getting standing ovations all across America was really cool but first prize probably goes to my son, Dominic, when I asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up: “ I just want to do nothing like you, Dad.” You’ve received awards and recognition fairly consistently since you began Indian Ink, and you’ve achieved a lot recently, especially with a tour of the U.S under your belt. What would you say has been the highlight? I don’t know about just one highlight but performing in New York was definitely something on my bucket list. The fact that a large portion of the cost of going there was raised by pledges from individual fans was heartwarming too. Do you have any advice for Waikato theatre students? What do you look for in collaborators or actors? I guess we look for actors with a broad skill set. You’re always going to look more attractive to us if you can sing, dance, play an instrument. We’re also suckers for good, old fashioned enthusiasm. Is there anyone, actor, musician, playwright, who you would particularly wish to work with? We were lucky enough to get the help of John Bolton early in the development of Kiss the Fish and he’s an amazing influence on both Justin and myself. Love to work with him more.
Where exactly did you find the inspiration for Kiss the Fish? Justin came back from Tiamen Island in Malaysia with this odd true story of a fully constructed 5 star resort that was entirely occupied by monkeys. The events that led to that arresting image became the building blocks of our story.
What are your plans for the company after you premiere Kiss the Fish? We’ve got the Auckland premier of Kiss the Fish in September then we’ll be working on our film adaptation of “Krishnan’s Dairy” followed by a tour of Guru of Chai to Whangarei and Keri Keri in November. Early next year Guru goes to New Mexico, Vermont and Colorado and we’ll be starting early exploration of a new show.
Is there a common theme amongst your works? I don’t know about themes but certainly there’s a common philosophy, which is that of the “serious laugh”: opening the audiences’ mouths with laughter in order to slip something serious in.
Jacob Rajan and the Indian Ink team are in Hamilton’s Clarence St Theatre from August 10th – 17th with the premiere of their latest work KISS THE FISH. For ticketing details head to www.indianink. co.nz. 19
Nexus Asks the Tough Questions
Mark Savage Where do you see yourself in five years? Working as a software engineer at Google with my university degree under my belt. How would you define your sense of style? Last week students writing on my fliers described me as super savage, Harry Potter, the beast, blazed, Gandalf and skuxy deluxy.
Voting booths will be at various locations around campus this week. Voting will be happening Monday 12th - Wednesday 14th August. If you won’t be on campus during this time but want to vote visit wsu.org.nz to cast a special vote.
It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? Invest in a team of scientists to develop a time machine. While I wait for them to finish I would go and have a nice, low-key day out with my closest friends. What is your campaign slogan? Vote Savage I say Bruce, you say…? Nanananananananana, Batman! Be honest. Are you weird? If by “weird” you mean “someone who cannot easily relate to those around them”, then no. If you mean “someone that innovates and is excited for the future”, then yes. What do you believe your presidential legacy would be? A students’ union that fights for the rights and welfare of all students instead of getting involved in petty political games and a campus that is better for it. Name your biggest concern with student life at present. The price of buying lunch or textbooks on campus. The Waikato Students’ Union owns half of U-Leisure, the company that runs all the shops on campus, so you would think we should get decent (fair) prices. It is definitely something I’ll be looking into as president. What are your political aspirations? I have no political aspirations and, unlike some candidates, I have never even been affiliated with a political party. I strongly believe that your president should be working for you and for you only, with no ulterior motive. How do you intend to engage with students? During my time at university so far I have engaged in every way possible with students. From joining and participating in clubs to being heavily involved with the class rep. system to going to Uni Games, if I could do one thing only it would be engaging effectively with students.
Aaron Letcher Where do you see yourself in five years? I’m a law student, we try not to think too much about our futures.
How would you define your sense of style? According to Nexus my mother dressed me like a sailor, but that’s not entirely true. She just lays the outfits out, and I put them on all by myself.
Where do you see yourself in five years? With a degree, with a job (Hopefully) and on my way to some other kind of elected office, I love representing people.
It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? Money probably isn’t worth a whole lot if its your last day on earth, so i’d just spend the time with family and friends. What is your campaign slogan? Letcher by name, Savage by nature? I say Bruce, you say…? Bruce, you really should re-elect Aaron Letcher WSU President 2014. Be honest. Are you weird? I think that anyone who puts themselves forward for this kind of job has to be a little bit weird? Here’s hoping the students think I’m a little less weird than the other two. What do you believe your presidential legacy would be? Helping to steer the WSU through a very difficult post-VSM period where money was tight, and resources were strained. Oh, and a pub. Name your biggest concern with student life at present. There’s too much chalk on the pavement, which in my opinion is a real health and safety risk. One of these days somebody is going to be reading it and walk right into somebody else. Student Poverty is another issue on the top of my mind. We see a lot of students doing it really rough come through our doors for advocacy or hardship grants, which is definitely something I think we need to be addressing. What are your political aspirations? At this stage WSU President 2014 is the only political aspiration on my mind, but who knows. I might challenge the incumbent Mayor Teina Walters in 2016.
How would you define your sense of style? Middle Class Professional meets Tony Ryall. It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? The world is not ending, I would collect as much money as I could and laugh at the fools the day after. What is your campaign slogan? Accountability, Transparency, Community Action! I say Bruce, you say…? ...Bruce Willis would lose to Liam Neeson because he has a very specific set of skills. Be honest. Are you weird? I am running in a student election, I think y’all can answer that for yourself. What do you believe your presidential legacy would be? A $2,500 Community Action Grant, better representation in Tauranga (even if that’s not a vote winner here, its the right thing to do), a pub on campus and a renewed pledge to our environmental obligations. Name your biggest concern with student life at present. Something seems to have changed about student nature, we are more apathetic and less engaged in the community, I feel that if we aren’t afraid or embarrassed to speak out and more active in our communities many other things will fall into line. What are your political aspirations? Political aspiration? To be the change I want to see in the world. How do you intend to engage with students? I find that talking, facebooking, tweeting and getting involved with clubs works pretty damn well.
How do you intend to engage with students? There’s no substitute for face time. I think the best way to engage is just to be out there cooking the bbq’s or filling out the surveys, hearing first hand the things students actually care about. Alternatively, engaging over a quiet beer at a campus pub wouldn’t be a bad option either! 21
Where do you see yourself in five years? Well one doesn’t usually spend 40,000+ on a Law degree to not practice law... So hopefully I’ll be doing that.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Either still here, or trying to kick start my career.
How would you define your sense of style? Well I don’t exactly have a fashion sense but I guess I just go with the flow for everything. If you are organised things will work out. It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? I’m not the “kissing babies” type but to be honest I would buy every single person in the world the best meal imaginable. Including myself of course, Food+ Company= Happiness.
How would you define your sense of style? Me personally I don’t like to define or put myself in a specific box, I’m a whole lot something. It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? Be with the WHANAU hands down. What is your campaign slogan? The best way OUT is THROUGH
What is your campaign slogan? Shannon Stewart: The only choice for a reason.
I say Bruce, you say…? Ummmm Shark Tale.
I say Bruce, you say…? Lee? His movies are pretty kick ass. I prefer Jackie Chan though.
Be honest. Are you weird? F***kin aye I’m weird, who would want to be normz these days.
Be honest. Are you weird? Very. Most of my friends don’t like going to the supermarket with me. Not because I wear pyjamas or anything, just because I’m loud.
What is your understanding of the role of VP Maori? The communication channel point between Maori on campus and the organisation on campus.
What’s one thing you’d like to use the VP position for? To help as many people as possible in any and every way I can.
Where do you think students are most struggling right now? I can only speak for myself but its my sense of direction, what to do, when to do it, how to do it, etc.
What kind of skills can you offer this role? I am very outgoing, caring, honest and I love working with people. I will do anything to help out anyone who needs it, I am organised and I love a challenge.
What is your point of difference? I’m 6ft 5 and a half, I’m Maori and I’m 130kgs, you try find another one of me.
Do you think students should care about politics? Why? I think if students care about something enough they should get involved in whatever way they can. It’s our future right?
10. Name one thing you’re hoping to focus on in this role. Making the WSU concepts and cause known and bringing it back to the students, for the students.
Is there any particular reason you decided to run this year? Too many for one line and I don’t wanna say to make a difference.. It’s true but very cliché. So I’m gonna say because I know I’ll give it my everything.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Promotional manager of vector arena.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Not at university i hope
How would you define your sense of style? I dont have style, but def savemart!
How would you define your sense of style? The style of the brother’s
It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? i guess die at the end of the day like everyone eles?
It’s your last day on earth. If money is no object, what do you do? Create a Double Whopper, Quarter pounder with extra mayo fusion.
What is your campaign slogan? a vote for farrel is a vote for you!
What is your campaign slogan? Koi te matapunenga, Maiangi te matapuihoiho. ( See the invisible, feel the intangible, believe the impossible ).
I say Bruce, you say…? nothing Be honest. Are you weird? yes What is your understanding of the role of VP Maori? be the best representation for the student body! its that simple. Where do you think students are most struggling right now? student life What is your point of difference? experence and resourses Name one thing you’re hoping to focus on in this role. student gigs and social life!
I say Bruce, you say…? Almighty Be honest. Are you weird? Depends what you define as weird. What is your understanding of the role of VP Maori? To my understanding its a Maori representation on W.S.U, I hope im close. Where do you think students are most struggling right now? Studies, rent, food and asking for help. What is your point of difference? Maybe my Double Whopper Burger idea?? Name one thing you’re hoping to focus on in this role. Educating and making awareness of W.S.U’s services and role.
Nexus Makes a Mayor After weeks of speculation Nexus has picked the candidate it will endorse and help to run in the local body elections.. Following an impressive write in campaign, Facebook stalking and a video clip featuring new new Nexus TV youtube channel hosts “The Bucket Boy
Where can we expect to find you on January 1st 2014? See answer below. Describe your typical Saturday night? Scrumpy!
Crew” we new that Teina Walters was the guy for us. Over the coming weeks we will give Teina media training, host some parties, shake some hands and kiss some babies until he is the Mayor Stud Ville deserves not the one Hamilton needs. To start with we sent Alix to interview Teina and just find out what we had to work with. Why did you decide to run for Nexus Makes a Mayor? A brighter future for all inhabitants of this fine city we call home (and shits and gigs).
If you had to watch one movie on repeat for 24 hours, what would it be? Any movie of Will Ferrell. Name a song that accurately describes your life right now? 99 problems-Jay-Z. I have 99 problems and about 69 of them could be solved with more money. Where in the world is Edward Snowden? We are keeping him in Block 10, but don’t tell Leigh. Who would you thank in an Academy Award style acceptance speech? Myself. That’s it.
What is your point of difference to other mayoral candidates? You won’t find them in BAR101 on a Thursday night listening to the views of wasted students. And they say they represent everyone??!
Vegas for one night, or Paris for a week? Vegas – the Eiffel Tower makes me feel even more insecure about my height.
Do you have any particular political motivations? To seek out this infamous mythical creature: the honest politician.
If you wrote a semi-autobiographical book, what would be your closing line? Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
In your opinion, who is/was the best NZ Prime Minister? John Key and I have built up quite a relationship over the years however; I’m going to have to say Helen Clark. I am a fan of Helen because of the fact that we both share a love of facial hair and he’s just an all-round great kiwi bloke!
Nike or Adidas? Nike. You can get Gin and Tonic flavoured popcorn. Thoughts? There’s some things in this world I don’t care about and that my friend is in the top 3.
What are you hoping to achieve in this role? A seat on 7 days, and for the Council to give students the respect they deserve.
Is this just a piss take? Re-read answers 1-20 and form an opinion of your own.
What issues do you plan to campaign on? I’ll have to form a committee, seek advice from environmentalists and consult the local iwi. Hopefully the campaign won’t be finished before then!
Check back with Nexus after the mid-semester break to see how we are getting on. In the meantime vote in the actual WSU elections for a President and the ten other people you want to represent you and enrol to vote in the Hamilton City Council Elections at the link below if you want to help Teina help you.
How do you think you will relate to the general public, outside of campus? Quite easily, I’m sure the New Zealand population got over their fear of brown people a while ago. Any skeletons in your closet you’d like to air out? She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son.
http://www.hamilton.co.nz/our-council/elections/Pages/default.aspx Be quick as you only have until the 16th of August.
The Afterlife Let the chips fall.
Auteur Taking a final bow.
In drama, as in life, timing is everything. How do we know when enough is enough? Existence being a finite thing and film work tending toward the messy and the open ended, few actors have the luck and discipline to leave their fans wanting more. Here’s a list of final films by great movie stars, grace note exits that capped legendary careers. All titles are stocked by Auteur House. 1. Shane (1953) - Jean Arthur had been a popular comedienne in the ‘30s and ‘40s but as she got older her natural reticence about acting meant she worked less and less. Her farewell role, playing the woman who comes between homesteader Van Heflin and gunman Alan Ladd in this western classic, could not have been better judged. At 53 Arthur still looked in her late 30s and retained that magic mixture of warmth and sex appeal from her prime.
actor in his native Sweden before coming to Hollywood in the 1920s and enjoying equal success. At the age of 77 he was convinced to play the lead in a drama written and directed by the only Swede to rival him as a film maker, Ingmar Bergman. The definitive cinematic portrayal of old age, with Sjostrom’s Isak Bork displaying guilt, reflection and resignation in equal measure. 4. The Misfits (1961) - the most celebrated ‘final film’ in Hollywood history, The Misfits has never enjoyed very good press. Did Marilyn Monroe’s time wasting tantrums on location contribute to the ill health of leading man Clark Gable? Whatever the answer this was the curtain call for them both as well as the third to last feature of co-star Montgomery Clift. Squaring the ledger somewhat is the fact that another cast member, Eli Wallach, is still going strong in his 98th year. 5. I Could Go On Singing (1964) - Judy Garland enjoys a straightforward autobiographical part as a fading songstress in a melodrama of undeniable power. It may not be A Star is Born but it’s the next best thing, drawing on all of Garland’s talents, embracing and exploiting her trade mark vulnerability.
2. Mr Roberts (1955) - in a film overflowing with great performances, William Powell’s is usually overlooked. Given that Henry Fonda is in the title role and James Cagney and Jack Lemmon chew the scenery in support, this is understandable. However, Powell does what he had been doing for the previous 33 years, his effortlessly naturalistic presence as the ship’s kindly doctor a note perfect foil for the showier actors around him.
6. The Shootist (1976) - John Wayne had survived a very public battle with cancer and was soon to be diagnosed with the disease again when he played what turned out to be his 180th and last film role, that of a gunslinger suffering from a terminal illness, determined to die with his boots on. From the opening montage of old Wayne movies, life and art intermingle with appropriate poignancy.
3. Wild Strawberries (1957) - Victor Sjostrom was a groundbreaking silent director and
When finishing a degree/study I think a lot of people go through a similar struggle as I did, there is always that debate of do you get a job and start your career or do you head off to see the world!? For me I have always known my heart lies with travel, my main goal in life is to see as much of this planet as I can so I guess that means I’ve got to get started as soon as possible. But on the other hand I know how difficult it can be to get a good starting job in my industry (communications/media) and while I’m off prancing around the world I could miss out on a really good opportunity and get behind in the career game.
“ Travel and career all wrapped up in one nice little package… That is definitely possible, right!?”
Making a decision that could affect the rest of your life is blimmin’ hard! It took a lot of going back and forth and second guessing myself before I came to a final solution (for now…). First plan is to head off to India to experience all I can and from there make my way to London, via train, where I will land the perfect job and will live happily ever after in a dream apartment in a perfect part of town. Travel and career all wrapped up in one nice little package… That is definitely possible, right!? All planning aside, sometimes I think you just have to let the chips fall where they may. I’m a queen planner, I love it and I am always planning, list making and organising for something. But I also know you could plan and plan for something and think nothing else is right for you, but in the end another door could open up and you may realize that is actually what you really wanted all along. Things may not always turn out how you think they will, but everything usually turns out pretty good in the end, so stress less, have fun and take life as it comes! Emma Knapp
Google This Procrastination or education; the power is in your hands.
Boganology 101 A bogan guide to shameless plugs.
On the 2nd of August I went to a book launch at a bar. That was weird. Even weirder was that I had written the book. Bogan: An insider’s guide to metal, mullets, and mayhem was released on that day and to celebrate I had an event at Biddy Mulligan’s bar. That’s right; I have sunk to new depths of selfpromotion by using my column to review my event for my book. This column is inception narcissism style. Just kidding. To be honest it was incredibly weird to stand up in front of a crowd of people and read from your own book about how you ended up growing a mullet in high school. Everyone laughed, at least this time that was the aim, unlike at high school! I signed many books, as unsuspecting co-workers bought copies of a book riddled with swear words (although most have commented on how funny it is without mentioning that). As I got more drunk I hope I didn’t write anything too offensive. The second half was the gig for the Bogans. Cheshire Grimm, Team Kill, and Escape from the Sky all played. Bogans bought the books
and I signed more of them as I got more drunk. I remember quoting the Young Ones and signing as Neil, and drawing a dick and balls on someone else’s book. These were requests though. Cheshire Grimm played first. They play a combination of hard rock/groove style of music. A three piece consisting of Lora, Kat, and Dan they are sadly heading off to Australia soon. Team Kill are a brutal Heavy Metal five piece that always manages to get the bogans jumping and headbanging. Escape from the Sky are relatively new, as this was their first official gig, but these guys are so big (in sound and size) that they can’t all fit on the Biddy’s Stage (appropriately renamed from Hogan’s Stand to Bogan’s Stand for this night). The night was MC’d by The Feral Crew, who were had drunk a few beers and so had be turned around and pushed up on stage by their beleaguered manager Jimmy Hart, but as soon as they were up there the light went on and the show began. Again, I just wanted to thank everyone who came, all the bands who played (for free), to Biddy Mulligans for hosting the night, and to Poppies Bookstore for selling books. If you missed the night and are interested in seeing what all the media fuss is about, head down to Poppies on Casabella Lane to grab a copy. More info about the book can be found here: http://www.penguin.co.nz/ products/9780143568957/bogan Burton C Bogan
New Zealand Music on Tumblr http://new-zealand-music.tumblr.com Ignoring their god-awful blog theme, they post some excellent links to Kiwi music, including free downloads, new bands, and gig information. If you’ve got Tumblr, give them a follow. Symmetry http://barefoot-coders.com/#symmetry Even though it’s technically an app, you can play the free web demo of Symmetry here. It’s simple, yet makes you think enough to be somewhat challenging. Grammar Girl http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/ grammar-girl Whether you’re getting pulled up on your grammar in your essays or just want to know the difference between affect and effect, this is perfect for those times when your brain goes down the plug hole and you just can’t remember if it’s who or whom. Dictionary of New Zealand Biographies http://www.teara.govt.nz/en/biographies Ever wanted to read up on some badass New Zealanders? Well now you can. The Dictionary of New Zealand Biographies basically lets you access notable New Zealanders’ life stories, all online and all free. Get your history on! Ecological Footprint Quiz http://myfootprint.org/en/ Want to know exactly how much you’re ruining the environment by driving to uni instead of taking the bus? Neither. However, it does make you think about all the ways you do impact the environment and gives you a good list of ways to reduce your carbon footprint. 27
Little Beer Corner Beervana.
Religiousity A special cross-cultural Religiousity for Ramadan.
Myself in brief, I am a 21 year old, Pakeha, female that likes to think she has a wide knowledge of various cultures. However one culture that I previously had little to do with is; Islam. I had not chosen to research their values and beliefs, and ashamedly probably influenced by the media’s bias towards their people. Last Friday when I was invited by the Malaysian Club to attend a Ramadan event, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to be educated around their beliefs. Those who know me, can agree when I say I am very outgoing (loud). However this night at the beginning of the event I was more reserved and nervous not wanting to offend anyone. Though throughout the evening, as I was welcomed by the community and found many answers to questions regarding the wearing of a headscarf, the point of Ramadan and information surrounding the Quran. I can’t say that I will be adopting any of their practices in the near future, but I can say was proud to hear that students who wore a hijab (headscarf) on campus had experienced no prejudice! (Well done Waikato.) Unfortunately by the sounds of it, students outside of the Waikato hadn’t always had such positive feedback. On behalf of the WSU Board and Staff that attended the evening, thank you very much to the Malaysian Club for your invite. It was a very enjoyable and informative evening, with pretty exceptional food! 28
Like an early 90’s made-for-tv mini series this is part one of a two part series. Beervana is New Zealand’s premiere beer event so I’m sure it’s a worthy enough topic. It’s 6.45am and I’m standing in the car park at Good George Brewing in Frankton. We’ve got a stand at Beervana this year so our team of 12 is up early and we’re raring to go. In seven hours time we’ll be in Wellington and that’s when the action starts. Our motley crew is a veritable lolly scramble of people and indicates how beer is growing in this country. Leading the charge is the three strong brew team from Good George. Kelly has already been in Wellington this week judging the BrewNZ beer competition so he’s had a sneak preview of some of the brews we’re looking forward to tasting. As the pin up boy (for middle aged housewives) of the NZ beer scene he’s got a long weekend ahead of him. Nate’s more of a silent assassin. His steely gaze hides the excitement that’s bubbling away inside. He’s Australian so he’ll no doubt be keen to try some of the beers on offer from his home land. JB completes the united nations setup that is our brew team. He’s French and this is his first Beervana adventure. I’m not sure there’ll be any French offering on tap in Welly this weekend but I am sure that JB will end up in photos pulling strange faces. It’s what he does. Justin is part of the brew crew as well but he’s also the New Guy. He’s been with us five days and has hit the ground running. He’s going to lead the charge in selling kegs of Good George product all over New Zealand. He’s a true blue kiwi who’s moved back from Aussie to take up this challenge so Beervana is a chance for him to shake some hands and kiss some babies. He’s been rocking and rolling in the craft beer scene across the ditch and is excited about what’s happening in the land of the long white cloud. The next cluster is the Berdo’s. These are the guys who have an almost unhealthy passion for craft beer. They brew at home, have a
life-long mission to taste as many beers as they possibly can and are staunch advocates for good beer. They have smart phones jam packed with beer apps and they blog about beer experiences. No Beervana crew has any credibility unless it’s got a couple of these chaps. Ours are Brent and Jacob. You can bet your bottom dollar they’ve been online and downloaded the list of beers that will be available this weekend and just like World War 2 strategists they’ve planned how they’re going to get around the festival and taste all the beers they’ve been researching at www. beernerd.com. We’re thinking we should put GPS trackers on them and then compare the footage to Aaron Cruden’s from Saturday’s final. Amy and Ash are our token ladies. They make us look good and will probably stop us being arrested on the trip south. Without them we’d look like a group of terrorists heading to the Ureaweras on a bomb making exercise. These girls really know their onions when it comes to good beer so they’ll be sure to give some balance to the beer nerds hunting for hops. Beervana will be packed with flavourful brews and these ladies are our secret weapons in hunting them out. If there’s a pink beer, Ash will find it. Andrew from House has managed to sneak on board and is fizzing about his second trip south for Beervana. He’s got a list as long as a giraffe’s neck of new brewers he wants to meet and new brews he wants to try. His job is to fill the guest taps at House for the next six months with interestingness. The last three sitting at the back of the bus are the old guys. I’m one of them. This will be our fifth trip to the capital for Beervana but this time it’s different. We’ve never been down with our own range of beers before. In the past we could quite happily taste 50 beers a day and judge them good, bad or otherwise. Now we have some skin in the game. Nervous anticipation is what I’m feeling. I love our beers, they taste great and drink extremely well. What will the beer geeks say? Time to hit the road. Stay tuned for next time. In part two I’ll tell you what happened and how we fared. Nathan Sweetman
Making Living Cheaper Ditch your mates and save some cash.
Hello Cheap Living enthusiasts. This week I have dug deep. I delved deep into my beautiful mind and found what I believe is the core of wasting money. The core to you wasting money is: Others. Tip #1 Become a no mates. If you’re a no mates your going to save a hell of a lot of money. I have found that I waste
Matt, you’ve got to start paying your damn child support”. Everybody wants to spend your money rather than there own and if you are a bloody top-notch bloke like myself people will take advantage of your generosity. In short friendships are a drain on the finances. First thing you need to do is ditch the mates. It’s a ballsy call but one that needs to be made if your truly serious about penny pinching. First thing you need to do is start telling family, friends, colleagues, partners and children that they are dead to you and you wish to have no further contact with them. This will naturally ruffle a few feathers and lead to abit of friction. If you can weather the storm however you can then let the saving begin! After the burning of bridges you will then be able to save money by moving into a cozy one bedroom flat. Think of the savings that will come! Remember debates over what to buy in the flat shop? Doesn’t matter when
“In short friendships are a drain on the finances. First thing you need to do is ditch the mates.” money because others (“friends”) encourage me to waste it. People always presume I want to get on the piss, go to that overpriced music event or go halves in something. Its always “Hey Honest Matt shall we go halves in a box of piss…. then get pissed?” or “Hey Honest Matt can you shout me a pie… ill pay you back…. you’d be a good as c*%t” or “Honest
all you’re shopping list consists of is 7 tins of spaghetti (one for each day of the week). Phone? Internet? No worries because no one wants to talk to ya! Sad Prick? Maybe! Financial genius? Yes! Matt Hicks twitter.com/Honest_Matt
50 Shades of Gay From Russia with... well... not quite love.
The Winter Olympics are set to be held in Russia next year. Russian Sports Minister, Vitaly Mutko, has confirmed that anyone ‘flaunting’ their sexuality, or engaging in the ‘propaganda’ of homosexuality will be arrested - including foreign athletes. The new law that has been passed in Russia essentially bans: providing information about the LGBT community to minors (which includes any public place or counselling service), holding gay pride events, speaking in defence of gay rights, or equating gay and heterosexual relationships. This law applies to Russians, foreigners, and media organisations, as well as to activity on the
“...engaging in the ‘propaganda’ of homosexuality will be arrested - including foreign athletes.” internet. Tourists considered to be “pro-gay” can be arrested, and detained for two weeks before deportation. Human Rights Watch have received information about the torture and murder of LGBT people occurring within the country. There are no official figures on anti-LGBT crime, and most hate crimes are unreported, or are not classified as such by the police. Some have called for athletes and attendees to boycott the Olympics. Supportive bars in the USA have also begun to boycott Russian Vodka in protest. But openly gay kiwi athlete, Christchurch speed skater Blake Skjellerup, opposes the boycott arguing that the presence of openly LGBT people would do a lot for the protest movement in Russia, and will be wearing a rainbow pin with pride. He states that he has full trust in the International Olympic Committee to protect athletes. Kia kaha Blake! You’re a legend! By Lezbi Honest 29
Slut DJ A series of unfortunate events. Part Two: Under the hood
again. The next day I awoke, there was no blood, no shame and when I stood over the toilet – everything looked back to normal. Just a normal Monday morning. Except. Well.
When I was a baby, my parents had the option of circumcising me, as do all parents, but they decided against it. It’s one of those things that as it’s never happened to me I’ve never seen the point in it. If you break it down it’s all about taking a knife to a kid’s dick – which is weird as hell if you ask me. A bunch of my friends have been cut up later in life for health reasons but to me it makes no sense –you don’t take out someone’s appendix at birth just on the off chance that something may go wrong. I’ve heard the argument that circumcised penises are ‘cleaner’ but I wash myself multiple times a day and spend more time caring for the hygiene of that than every other part of my body combined. Then there’s the whole ‘it looks better’ argument but I’m pretty sure all soldiers remove their hoodies when standing to attention.
There was a weird smell. Everyone has a smell, like it or not it’s true. The only reason you probably don’t notice it is cause you’re used to it – like when you pass wind. When you fart you instantly know when there’s something wrong, for example after a bender you can tell by smell that maybe that Jager, with all it’s different herbs and spices, isn’t as good for your body as you originally thought. So, I had discovered a smell. It was worrying but after Saturday night and the scrubbing brush horrors of Sunday morning I didn’t really care at that point. Except the next day the smell was still there. And it was there on the Wednesday as well.
Regardless, of argument – I, like every male who wants to get laid, take exceptional care of that area. I water the garden, trim the weeds and always, always, ALWAYS wear a raincoat when it looks like it’s going to be wet outside.
That’s when I really started to worry, so I did exactly the opposite of what every Doctor recommends – I jumped onto Google and typed in:
Especially in this Waikato weather.
“My penis smells weird do I have an STD?”
So, the morning after the “blurred lines” incident with the girl in the car I was understandably shocked to see blood everywhere. It looked like a raw Big Mac had been massacred in my lap and when I pulled back the hood it got worse, there was blood, a stray pube and a very pungent smell.
In .00005 of a second three million search results come back all pointing to CHLAMYDIA
Twelve hours of sleep had not made this any better. I dry retched and jumped in the shower, picked up a scrubbing brush and went to work on the most painful thing I’ve ever had to do.
“Fuck” So over the course of the weekend I’d been violated by not only an Aucklander – which would be bad enough - but by Aucklander on her period with Chlamydia. So I call the doctors and make an appointment for the next day, the Thursday after that bloody Saturday. The feeling of dread came back.
But thankfully after an hour long shower and an immense amount of scrubbing I felt like I could truly put the incident behind me and I headed out into the world – never wanting to speak about the unfortunate events ever
FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Diary of a Single Girl Types
Mr Minty Fish Bonnie and Clyde 2013
This is the interview that would occur if someone was chewing their face off and thought I was Beyonce. Them chewing their face off is optional for this tale but we’re in Hamilton so may as well keep it realistic. #hissing Who inspired you to pursue your dream of acting/singing/etc. Um, sorry mate I think you’ve got the wrong person. Well, what kind of men/women are you into then. A bit forward, but he has to be a bit ugly I suppose. Almost like roadkill that needs caring for.
shit, your eye is just one giant pupil. What do you like to watch on tv. Police 10/7. Might be why you look familiar. How did you get discovered Preferably not tomorrow morning in a rubbish bag floating down the Waikato River if that’s ok with you. What would you be if you were not famous Getting harassed outside Static. Just a guess. Do you have any hobbies Fuck it. May as well have fun with this. I love devuring the souls of the innocent Wow. Edgy. I love it Bey! You’re an idiot. Where did you grow up. In a town where there was definitely not enough warning about stranger danger evidently. What kind of kid were you. I’m assuming if there had have been a van full of candy, I would have jumped in.
Who is your celebrity crush? Why.
Annnnnd scene. This is what happens in my head.
Because it’s what the people want. I think ‘the people’ will survive.
I love your genitals, mmf.xxx
Stop being a fuck Beyonce, give your people the yarns they deserve. Jesus.
email@example.com Come at me brah
I live in a flat with three other girls. When my Mum visited the other day she commented that you could tell it was a girl’s flat because of the tampon casually chilling on the coffee table. I pointed out that the ‘pin the penis on the man’ game on our wall was probably a better indicator. Despite going out together most weeks we never seem to have issues when it comes to boys because we have such different tastes. I have “crossed swords” with some of the ones I’ve known for longer before, but as we’ve got a bit older this is no longer an issue. Our types could be labeled as the dirty hipster, the skinny geek, the tall nice guy and lastly the tall, muscular jock (preferably blonde). I didn’t realize just how predictable we all were until very recently when I was at the gym and pointed out a guy to my flat mate. Her only response was, “I knew you’d like him.” I realize that most
“So next time you’re eyeing up a guy, who let’s face it, probably looks like any ex you’ve ever had, stop and consider the cute squidgie babies you would make.” people have a type that they like and if I were basing this column on any psych papers I’ve taken, I would tell you this is because basically, on a subconscious or sometimes conscious level you think that you would make great babies with each other. So next time you’re eyeing up a guy, who let’s face it, probably looks like any ex you’ve ever had, stop and consider the cute squidgie babies you would make. Or in my case pick a different guy! Cause I ain’t got no time for babies yo.
You heard it here first guys. Beyonce wants to rav Jesus. Uh ok yeah NO though. And I don’t think you can say that? Angry mobs will appear. Holy 31
ALICE & A Lifestyle
Alice & Anne By ALICE & ANNE
Alice & Anne get punny.
Sometimes you don’t want to read a rant about how the patriarchy dictates fashion, or about why you should care about where your clothes come from. Sometimes we don’t want to write that either. Being angry feminist fashion writers can be exhausting sometimes. Since the teaching recess is looming (thank flip for that), we decided to give you something which might make you laugh, smile or throw Nexus straight in the bin. Depends on how much you like puns really...
Trend Spotting By ALICE AND ANNE
Confidence is Beauty.
I hope he turns up. I get really frustrated trying to put clothes in my wardrobe. Think I could do with some Hanger Management. I’ve created a perfume out of potatoes. It’s got a crisp scent. We asked a hundred people what their preferred item of clothing was, a shirt or a jacket. In the end it was a tie.
SLIGHTLY STONED We present to you, Alice & Anne’s It’s-AlmostThe-Teaching-Recess-Celebratory-List of Puns:
Why are called singlets called tank tops, tanks don’t wear clothes. It’s because you’ve got to show off the guns.
We’re genuinely sorry. And hopefully your groans of disgust weren’t so loud that the whole lecture theatre hasn’t turned to look at you.
I’ve booked an appointment with my tailor to shorten the length of my trousers.
Enjoy the break! Alice & Anne
SLIGHTLY STONED CHEF Baked Potatoes 32
Gather 3 clean potatoes, 1 ½ C cheese, 1 ½C filling (eg. Onion, mushroom, ham, chives), 1 Tbl butter and sour cream.
Pierce potatoes several times. Coat in oil. Season with salt and pepper. Microwave for 10mins on each side until soft and cooked.
Arts Alessia Weir I dabble in a bit of everything relating to graphic design, Iâ€™m really just a big kid. My favourite part of being a creative is seeing an idea become a reality. http://www.behance.net/alessiaweir
Hollow out potatoes and put potato insides in a bowl.
Put fillings of your choice and half the cheese in the bowl with the potato. Mix until smooth and yummy.
Stuff potatoes with filling mixture then place cheese evenly on top. Grill for 3-5mins until cheese all melted and golden. ENJOY! 33
INTRODUCTIONS TO INTERNSHIPS, MEET AND MATCH EVENT SPEED DATING, NETWORKING, DRINKS & NIBBLES. THUR 29TH AUG 2013 AT SODA Inc 1 VICTORIA ST HAMILTON // STUDENTS 4:30PM - 7:00PM // COMPANIES 5:30PM – 7.00PM // FREE TO PROSPECTIVE STUDENTS & EMPLOYERS TO REGSITER AS A STUDENT PLEASE FILL OUT THE REGISTRATION FORM VIA THIS LINK: http://bit.ly/meetnmatch
Citizens Advice Bureau Can I Vote? Any New Zealand citizen or permanent resident is entitled to vote. Voting is not compulsory in New Zealand (it is in Australia!) but it is compulsory to enrol. You can enrol if you are over 18 (or nearly 18) and have lived at your present address for at least a month. WSU and CAB have application forms available for you to use. If you want to vote in the local body elections you need to have your application form in before the 16th August. The Citizens Advice Bureau has a lot of information on flatting. They can give you information about this or other inquiries you might have. Visit them at the Village Green by Waikato Print 11am – 1pm, Mon – Fri or phone 0800FORCAB. Free legal advice.
Young Workers Resource Centre Ask Amber Do you feel safe at work?
Probably not if you’re a pizza delivery boy or girl in Hamilton at the moment.
Bank balances and being Broke.
A 30 year old Pizza Hutt delivery guy was bashed in Melville on the weekend with a metal bar while he delivered an order. The attackers hit him in the face with the bar a few times before running off with pizzas, sides and drinks, leaving him to suffer serious facial injuries.
Over the last week I have seen a number of students who have had a lack of funds due to various reasons.
The whole ordeal echoes what happened to Michael Choy back in 2001, who also worked for Pizza Hutt and was beaten to death and robbed after being lured to a home for a delivery as well. According to Pizza Hutt they train their delivery staff on what to do in dangerous situations and have health and safety measures in place to protect them. But is that enough? Sure, these incidents may be rare in nature but when they do occur they are often very serious and in the case of Michael Choy, have led to death. This incident shows that you don’t have to be working in a factory or around heavy machinery to get hurt while on the job. New Zealand has a terrible record of workplace health and safety with approximately 6,000 kiwis seriously injured each year and 18-24 year olds are at least fifty percent more likely to get hurt in comparison with older workers. So, if you are unsure about something – ask. It could mean the difference between going home after work and going to the hospital instead. To all the young (and not so young) workers out there – you DO have the right to say NO to unsafe work.
I hate to be blunt, but as a student it is very unlikely you are going to be rich. There are maybe even times you won’t know how to pay for everything that week. As sad as it sounds, it is quite normal for this type of thing to happen. How does Amber know this? Because it has happened to Amber when she was a student. So what happens when a student’s approaches Amber with no money? - Yes the Waikato Students’ Union (WSU) has a hardship fund. - Yes the WSU can talk to outside organisations that may be able to help students with their situation. But does this one-off help from the WSU help solve your financial situation? If I am going to help a student I would rather help them sustain an affordable lifestyle that will get them through university rather than help a student on a one-off and that student be stuck for cash again next week. This is where a proper approved budget is a very important thing to get done. If you feel you could do with some budget advice as you’re over spending each week, come and talk to Amber. Amber will be able to refer you on to the right people to help your situation….And like always if you have any questions or are in need of support please feel free to contact her on 07 856 9139 or firstname.lastname@example.org Amber the Advocate 35
Was This You? Bar 101.
Things you should know: It’s Spark this week as we have discussed in last week’s issue so there is literally something to do everyday. However, if you are one of those people from this generation that always WANT MORE RIGHT NOW, then we have good news for you! Here’s a list of shit you can do. P.S. if you are still wanting more, I highly suggest you start planning your New Years festivities right now (What was that about RnV going off this year?). It’s August. Chop chop.
Monday 12th August Biddy’s Open Mic Night, Biddy Mulligans 6:00 pm – 1:00 am Are you feeling lost, lonely, and alone? Are your friends nowhere to be found in your hour of need? Come to open mic night and tell us everything. Kiss the Fish 7 pm, Clarence St Theatre While reading the synopsis, you know straight away just by reading the second sentence that this is not to be missed. “Trapped in a life that is too slow, he yearns to be the next Freddie Mercury.” Yup, this show is my spirit animal. Build Your Own Burger, House 5 pm onwards Oh bugger. No dinner tonight? Why not grab a burger? Quiz Night, The Cook 7:30 The best way to start your week really. Nothing like brain power to make you feel like you can do anything! Also a good excuse to procrastinate because you are essentially “feeding the mind”.
Tuesday 13th August Celtic Jam Night, Biddy Mulligans 6:30-7:30 pm This could be an interesting cultural experience. Want to go a step further? Order only Irish drinks. Passionfruit Magazine Volume Two Launch Social Space, Wintec Media Arts R Block, Collingwood St - 5 pm High respect for people doing their own
thaaaang, creating stuff, and making Hamilton truly a better place. Seriously. Thank you.
Wednesday 14th August Skint Student Night, House 6 pm onwards Their pizza is legit. Their drinks are also legit. The DJ? Super freaking legit. We therefore declare Wednesdays as the official student night. Come! Quiz Night, The Riv 7:30 – 9:15 pm You know you’re really hooked on these brain games now. Grab a couple of mates, some knowledge, and jugs full of drinks. Quiz Night, Homestead 7:30 – 9:15 pm Here’s an idea. You know that girl you’ve always wanted to ask out? Do it. Take her on a little roadtrip to Homestead and impress her with your smart yet super fun date. Ok, so maybe it’s not exactly a roadtrip but who cares? 2 for 1 Cocktails, Grand Central 7 pm onwards Sometimes you just need a strawberry sour (or two) to get you through the rest of the week. If you’ve never had one before, I highly highly suggest you go have one. Go on. Whisky Wednesdays, Agenda 8 – 11 pm Let Agenda whisk you away on this fine Wednesday! Wax on Wednesdays, Static 8 pm onwards Just like the old times. Warning: can get crazy. Bring dancing shoes. PechaKucha Volume 14 6:30 pm, The Atrium 20 seconds. 20 photos. That’s all it takes to tell a story.
Friday 16th August theSlacks, Biddy Mulligan’s 8:30 pm They are described as “Folk-Rock folks” and openly encourage people to go their gig in stretchy pants. I’m in. Spark Wrap Party feat Black City Lights, Suren Unka, and Tony Douglas 8 pm onwards, Static So Black City Lights are coming from Wellington before they leave for the big US of A for their tour. The dark-pop duo just got signed to a major label, and now is the time to come see them before they take off. Such a hipster thing to say that you’ve seen them before they were even famous.
Saturday 17th August Antiques, Curios, and Collectables Fair 8:30 am – 1:30 pm, Tamahere Country Hall Tamahere Country Market St Stephens Church You know that girl who always has the cutest vintage things, looks impeccable all the time, and just oozes with cool from her pores? Yeah, girlfriend probably hangs out at Tamahere on weekends. The markets are on and it looks like Tamahere is the place to be! The Wizard & Oz 1-4 pm, Biddy Mulligan’s Now that’s an idea! Day time gig with Wizard & Oz performing classic rock hits (Think Elton, Bob Dylan, James Taylor) at Biddy’s. Perfect pre-gig to your pre-party before town! Electro Static, Static Midnight – 3 am Netsky got it perfectly when he said his “heart will come alive”. That’s how it’s like when you step into Static on Saturday nights.
Thursday 15th August Musical Feast, Waikato Museum 12-1:00 pm A mini concert on your lunch break. Coffee and treats from Momento. ‘Nuff said.
GeT AheAd Study over summer Papers online now! papers.waikato.ac.nz/