Issue 24 2023

TUHINGA O ROTO

Eilidh Purewa

DEPUTY EDITORS: Tehana De Klerk tehana@nexusmag.co.nz, Seamus Lohrey seamus@ nexusmag.co.nz TE AO MĀORI: Tatiana Warren tatiana@nexusmag.co.nz LIFESTYLE EDITOR: Leilani Summer leilani@nexusmag.co.nz

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF + DESIGN: Jak Rāta editor@nexusmag.co.nz

ILLUSTRATION: Filly Arias Marin filly@nexusmag.co.nz MEDIA Jasmine Gorman jasmine@nexusmag.co.nz

CONTRIBUTOR: Marwa Nauman, Aspen Hodgetts, Josh Gibbs, Cyber Stargirl, Teuila Blakely, Bianca Maria, Stien Huizenga, Douglas Bagg, Anahera Harris, Eilidh Purewa, Mikayla Larsen, Mira Arif, shtanlee_

Cover: Nexus Team Centrefold: Bebee Lam Back over: Cam Webber

Well old friend… we’ve reached the end. That doesn’t mean this has to be a goodbye. Plus there’s still so much going on in the world for us to pretend like it’s the end of everything. Though we, as a reader and editor, have come to the end of our journey. Over 76 issues, I’ve challenged the idea of student media, creating boring pieces and starting war with so many groups on campus. But what remains my legacy as I hang up my reading glasses (I don’t wear glasses anymore) for the final time?

It’s gotta be the heated email from Don Brash calling me a loser for telling him to go fuck himself. That’s my legacy.

There’s no denying that Nexus has consumed me entirely, my whole life was engulfed by student media–and I loved every moment. But as I naturally begin to reflect on my time here, it’s been tumultuous at best. I’ve dealt with grief, heartbreak and all the highs and lows of college football. The range of emotions I’ve got was stretched beyond breaking point. However, I’ve come out of it with

It's been real guys.Sorta :)

some dope memories and I’ve met so many people in this process.

Nexus looks like whatever it needs to look like. Since 1967 it’s been at the forefront of student culture, fringe societal issues and everything in between. We’re looking at the end of print media as it was, 1000’s of mags being hustled out by me on a Sunday in the Beast, and seeing what direction it needs to go in to make sure the message is still being perceived. We are still here, student media is going nowhere anytime soon and it’s time a lot of people accept that.

Letting go of a good thing is always hard, but you and I both know it’s time for me to move on and let some other poor sucker be at the helm of this institution. If I’m going to offer any advice to those wanting to get into journalism, it’s this, “Be bold and don’t be a fuckwit,” That advice has served me well and I’m sure it’ll treat you with the same kindness it’s given me.

I want to thank all the writers, artists, musicians and designers who I’ve worked with over the years. Nexus has come into it’s own and we’re better because of it. Advertisers, thanks for keeping the lights on and the engine running. My editorial staff, fucking lads. All of you. Finally Tehana. You know you’re the bro and you’ve been with me from the start–helping me realise my vision for what media could and should be. Lots of aroha for you sis.

Thanks for 3 years of dedication e te whānau, and to the team following me? Good luck guys, it’s a fucking cunt of a world but it’s better with us in it.

Until next time, Jak

What’s up, Seamdog here.

Happy the year is almost done but sad to say goodbye. Nexus has been an awesome platform to create some great discussions and maybe, just maybe, changing the way some people see things. Unfortunately, I can’t come back next year, because of WSU but being on the board will be an even better platform for supporting and representing you lovely students here in the Waikato. In the words of Kobe Bean Bryant, job’s not finished.

Cheers to Jak for hiring me last year when I stumbled into the office and thanks to the rest of the team for being cool people.

You know, with Exams approaching and anxiety increasing, it’s nice to have this closure. We’ll stay in touch, you have my number. I think we’re better off as friends; we’re on two different paths right now. It's not you, it's me, I promise.

Up the All Blacks, up the Crusaders, and Up the Wahs.

Yours faithfully, Seamus Philip Ardagh Lohrey.

Heyyy. It’s been a fun first year! I went from being Nexus’s social media girl to feeling like Carrie Bradshaw, getting to travel and mostly writing about dating—an unexpected but highly welcomed progression. I’m very grateful to have been given so much creative and literal freedom to write anything from anywhere I wanted to. Although I never really asked permission to get on a plane and not return, haha. I’m certain my mum is still my number one fan, but if anyone else read and enjoyed my work, I am so grateful, thank you!

Writing for a mag that has 48 pages coming out every week has been anything but boring, especially alongside such talented writers! I don’t think there’s another magazine with as naturally funny writers- or better design! Nexus is seriously doing cool shit in the best corner of the world and I'm so grateful to have been included in that! Thank you for everything, I hope to see you again!

My Love Letter to Nexus 23’ - Tats

Not to get emotional, but how lucky could one girl really be? This year I was just floating through life, doing what I do, until I got the tap on the shoulder from Jak saying that he wanted me to come write for Nexus. Little did I know, this would change the trajectory of my life. I got to be a part of the coolest office to ever exist in the entire world, full of the best group of creative people I get to call friends now. Trust me, you could not find a greater group of people than the Nexus crew. Being a part of Nexus this year, I learnt so much about myself, what I genuinely enjoy doing and what kinds of people I want to surround myself with. Maybe this is the meaning of divine timing. I was given a space where I could be myself, discover new passions, and bounce ideas off of people I would more than gladly hang out socially with (inside joke).

What I’m trying to say is, I’m one of the luckiest girls in the whole wide world. When life moves on and everyone from my era of Nexus is long gone, I’ll keep these memories safe in the special part of my <3 4ever.

It’s the last issue, and I feel like this year has gone by way too fucking fast. I probably could’ve done more (heh, sorry Jak), but I always have so much fun writing for Nexus. I also hope y’all enjoy the horoscopes, because it’s so easy to run out of ideas for that shit real quick.

I just want to say thanks to the Nexus team for being really really awesome, and a huge thanks to you, the readers. Can’t really do a magazine if nobody’s reading it, right? So thank you for all of your support! Being part of this team for the last two years has been so much fun, and I hope you’ve all thoroughly enjoyed our content. Shoutout to my parents for reading every issue online when it comes out- love you. Maybe I’ll see all of you again next year. Stay cool, Tehana x

Yo,

Ah, the New Zealand Dream, a whimsical notion that's a bit like the American Dream, but with fewer skyscrapers and more pirikahu fucking. Picture this: rolling green hills, mint as landscapes, and hobbits casually strolling down the street. Actually that’s just Aaron Smith. It's the Kiwi version of a fairy tale, where every sheep has its own little patch of paradise, and the biggest concern is whether the neighbour's cow is plotting to steal your spot in the sunshine.

Or at least that’s what we’re so used to seeing on TikTok as those optimistic yanks or brits think as they haul themselves and subsequent kids across the pond to start

their new life in the new land. But I think there’s a vital missing link in this dream–we’re all still here. It’s pointless me throwing around some shit about the rising cost of living and how we’re doomed to all fail into the endless cycle of the system. Instead let’s look at some facts and talk to a couple of the young people in Aotearoa to see what their idea of a “NZ dream” looks like.

Lifestyle block, couply cows and an unheard of nightmare

There’s no denying that growing up that there was a massive divide between rural kids and them townies. As a rural kid, it was easy to look at the ones in town as if they were perched on some sort of pedestal. Somehow being closer to the three shops and

Jak Rāta

four square meant their world was inherently better than mine. Weekends spent roaming the forest, trawling rivers for koura and planning big missions across the rolling maunga. Wow doesn’t that just sound horrible as I now subject myself to the growing rat race of office life and career progression.

You watch on as droves of people arrive in the hopes of slicing a piece of their NZ dream, delicious. Without a beat, Aotearoa’s finest are facing crippling debt, shit housing and this evergrowing sense of dread that everything that they know is no-longer a part of the foreseeable future. Catastrophizing is never going to solve the problem, though it’s hard to always keep your head up in the face of adversity.

Our current government doesn’t support the growth of farming and agriculture as one of our largest economic drivers and exports. There’s tax upon tax placed on a system that, while not perfect, has paid for those fancy trips to the UN and allowed you to comfortable smile from your top floor balcony as the backbone struggle 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year just to create a revenue worthy of a measly 1 day off to spend with their whānau but end up sleeping as a result of fighting for the only damn thing they know. I’ve watched my father LITERALLY (like surgery and all) break his back to prove he’s more than some dropout Māori from Maniaiti–showing the mana that our current government sees an easier way to make money and kill off those making it.

Labour make it hard to keep working as farmers, kind of ironic considering their initial reason to exist huh?

What it means to be a gangster

The election season brings the worst and best out of us as people, this isn’t isolated to Aotearoa though, but with the TikTok coverage running rampant–mp’s are no longer hidden in their comfy million dollar homes. Mark Mitchell has been under scrutiny recently as he’s seen approaching whānau Māori protesting, blatantly calling them racists as they defend themselves–pleading for an apology more than anything. How did this man react to the request? Well by doubling down of course. We’ve been exposed to all this media coverage of the numerous debates and politicians saying shit they think we want to hear, somehow missing the point of everything. He aha te mea nui o te ao? He tangata he tangata he tangata.

Tangata Māori are facing systemic racism. Fact, while not new of course. As we watch on to our leaders as a representation of who we are as people it’s easy to think

that it’s some sort of sick joke as the true blue throw around that they believe we’re the problem and need to crack down on who we are, as if it’s not a defence of our mere-existence in this world. Racism is alive, and well, in the ecosphere of Aotearoa. You don’t have to look very far to hear the stories, the accounts and situations that led to my people feeling hopeless. Is there hope? I don’t know, I’ll let you know when I find it in a miraculous discovery. Shout out to Joseph Smith.

As National and ACT gain traction, so do the far right radicals thinking it okay to announce their thoughts and opinions online. “Guys, todays the day ��. I want to announce something important ��. Trav and I would like to let everyone know we hate the savage mouldys ���� and we’re proud to vote blue and pink,” This isn’t a smear campaign on the far right, but it’s certainly me looking at you with a newfound impression. I hope it’s worth looking like an ignorant racist in the grand scheme of things, pōkokohua kai a te kurī.

$20 cheese and full pockets

We’re staring down the barrel of the gun. Oh it’s not a real gun, but the cost of food is making us all falter as we roam the aisles of our respective supermarkets. As a Pak n Save skank (UP THE SAVES) I am saving a little pūtea

each week by buying the cheaper options and living on garbanzo beans, though not without the “Doesn’t look like you miss a meal neph,”. Gotta love tāne Māori culture right? Just straight insulting each other and then basically knocking each out with a mighty pat on the back. Back to kai, as it always is, we’re looking at exponential growth in the greedy monopoly over food prices. Woolies (Loves a name change back to the original) reported a profit of $4.1b in 2022 and it’s set to be a 56% increase in 2023. $4.1b. That small b there, yeah that means billion. So while we’re hustling to buy that $8 broccolini, they’re raking in record profits by owning the largest square in the board compared to the FoodStuff North, sorry southland coldies, $44.9m in profit. I see that number too guys, it’s still a lot of money.

Here’s the thing. Foodstuff is New World, Pak n Save AND Four Square (shout out Kaeo).

I asked three students from Nawton primary school what their idea of the NZ dream is. Nawton Primary, for me, is a place that represents community and who those affected by the current climate of Aotearoa. Their names have been changed for safety and privacy.

“My mum can buy food,” says Maya, 8. “And I can buy pretty shoes so my feet aren’t sore” A cursory glance sees feet covered in scars and sores from being barefoot.

“My whānau can buy a mean car that we can take on trips to go see our maunga back home. We don’t have one and so we can’t go home” Tama, 10.

“Everyone can just be happy” Ana, 7.

Hate isn’t nature, it’s nurtured. Kids aren’t destined to only think that they’re meant to hate everything about the world, they grow into that through years of neglect and feeling like they’re forgotton. Understand one thing from me today. The NZ dream isn’t the rolling hills, pirikahu and mighty awa. It’s allowing its people the space to allow it’s people to be kaitiaki of the whenua, it’s seeing Māori valued as the indigenous people, it’s the joining of culture and it’s the growing of who we are without putting money over all else and ignoring the pleas of its people.

It’s what we make it and we’re doing a shit job right now.

There’s no doubt that we weren’t being taught accurate history through schooling. I can hear the eye rolls, yes hear, and I am with you on this. It’s sort of a drag at times, looking at how we’ve fucked up in explaining what actually happened to our people in Aoteaora. God forbid we actually teach the truth instead of some half-tale about the white saviour complex that’s given from arriving and bringing disease and blankets. But it’s okay because we’ve got tax, iPhones and Pizza Hut now.

Nah, I’m not actually that jaded but upon releasing our petition to change the name of Grey St. there were a staggering amount of arguments that by changing the name, we’d be erasing history. Sorry, give me a minute while the hundreds of articles, books and general knowledge gets erased because we refuse to honour a racist who fought against people who were already here? I don’t know though team, call me crazy, call me hōhā for not wanting to honour that.

I wanted to talk to someone who shares the kaupapa of sharing accurate information and a better understanding of Māori, therefore Aotearoa’s, history. Lachie Holt is a year 8 teacher with a passion for History who’s moved into the realm of social media as a means of gaining visibility on what’s important to know about Aotearoa’s history and who we are today.

Jak: Kia ora my bro, let’s start with what was the drive to start this?

Lachie: Tēnā koe bro, So I guess for me, I grew up it's like I just say pākehā Māori. I've never really felt like I belong and I don't really have any understanding of what it meant to be Māori or what being multicultural was besides, you know, seeing maybe the All Blacks do the Haka on telly. Until I got to high school. I had this incredible history teacher John Hansen. We’d just started with a few field trips, so we went to a Rangariri and this was a pretty inspiring moment for me. Just seeing the things we’d achieved as Māori,

For so long I didn't know there was any history in New Zealand, which sounds stupid now, but what you see in the media is like kiwiana culture.

Jak: Wait, so did the passion for history start there or?

Lachie: No, it probably started when I was three or four years old. History has been my biggest passion in life. I used to watch only content from the History Channel; I was obsessed with great things like the Egyptians and all of that. I just assumed that there was nothing more I needed to learn about it. I always wanted to be an archaeologist, but as I grew up, my interests changed.

Jak: What prompted the move into social media?

Lachie: I’m good mates with some great guys, Uncle Jack and Uncle Tics, and I mean we'd spend hours just staying up late talking, our history. Stuff that we're all very passionate about that. Leighton just turned to me one day and was like “Well, why don't you pursue this more? You're a good storyteller, you've got this sort of influence with your kids.

You can, you know, there's so much you can do”

Even since starting the channel, I’ve had some amazing opportunities. Just last week I got to tour Rangiriri with Brad Totorewa, an expert in his field, and Nga wai hono i te po Paki. Just opportunities I never thought I’d get and it’s been so amazing hey.

Jak: Going back for a second, as Pākehā Māori, do you find there to be an immediate sense of query as you approach these spaces? As Māori, we’re definitely a welcoming lot and there’s a massive sense of whānau in most settings but I can’t help but feel there would be a bit of confusion outwardly.

Lachie: When I first started posting, there were obviously a few people saying “What gives you the right? Yeah, you're white and this isn’t your space,” and I think that was something that I have to overcome. And it was pretty tough because you start questioning yourself like, am I allowed to do this? I just have to come back to it like, this is my culture, this is my heritage as well. It’s more of an internal struggle.

Jak: Do you think there’s adequate support and space in the curriculum to evoke a positive change? How can it be better?

Lachie: I think it could be better. Even though they revamped it a few years ago–there’s still a fair bit of growth to go you know? It’s common that history teachers are a little bit older and there’s a stale teaching method there. With all the younger and passionate kaiako coming through, we can see the potential there.

Honestly the goal is just that I want to be able to inspire and teach tauira what’s real and what’s important without leaving out all the stuff that matters. That’s all hey.

"Honestly the goal is just that I want to be able to inspire and teach tauira what’s real and what’s important without leaving out all the stuff that matters. That’s all hey."

Just some Career advice

Are your social media accounts private?

a. Yes.

b. No.

c. Some of them are.

d. I don’t have social media.

How often do you read the news?

a. Only when I see it on Instagram.

b. I have no idea what’s going on in the world.

c. I am the news.

d. I actually read from various sources to

ensure that all of the information I digest is factual in order to formulate unbiased opinions-

What’s your favourite sport?

a. Rugby union or league.

b. Football (IT’S NOT CALLED SOCCER).

c. Netball.

d. Tennis.

What is your go-to topic of conversation?

a. Music.

b. Movies.

c. Celebrity gossip.

d. The political and economic state of the world.

Are you a confident person?

a. I’m a great public speaker!

b. I can’t call to book my own appointments.

c. Confidence is overrated (the answer is yes).

d. One can only truly strive for success if they

are confident.

If you were an animal, which would you be?

a. A dog.

b. A great white shark.

c. An otter.

d. Humans are the most common and wide

spread species of primate, thus, we too are animals.

Tehana De Klerk

Mostly A’s — A teacher or sport’s coach/manager.

You’re very inspirational. Perhaps you could even start a political party one day.

Mostly B’s — Nothing

You can be anything you set your mind to (*cough* just marry rich *cough*).

Mostly C’s — Famous life for you Mostly D’s — Corporate Cunt

Something that involves being on TV. You are a star.

Any kind of briefcase wanker. Are you studying law or business?

Leilani Summer

Oh, I’ve been waiting for this one! Not nearly talked enough about, burning star syndrome has caused me far too many dollars in therapy and trauma I’ve only realised existed since getting help. I think all of us clock pretty young that the better we perform in areas of our life, the better outcomes we will receive. Pair this with undiagnosed ADHD or OCD, and you’re in for one spicy life!

I was always a super bright child but never really got much credit for it. I had to be the fastest and smartest to get praise. I asked myself who I wanted credit from, and the most obvious answer was my parents. Or mainly, parents. It’s funny the things you don’t add up until you’re an adult, but I think I thought if I were exceptional enough, maybe I would have a better relationship with my dad. At least the attention I think I always wanted but never admitted. This made me obsessed with schoolwork, and the older I got, the more I obsessed about ways I could prove and show how well I was doing. This led me to get accepted into university at fifteen, something none of my peers even considered. I started university at 16, leaving high school to do so. I completed my whole degree online and graduated at 19. I knew I was the youngest person in that Graduation hall. I knew how proud I should be.

I knew how proud people with families and friends who celebrated their achievements would be. I had built this day up so much in my head that I thought it would all pay off, and I would finally get attention and acknowledgement from the people I craved. Instead, my beautiful mother came with me, but just her. I mean, I’m aware of how privileged I have been in life, but watching how other families celebrated them and how proud parents, especially dads, were of their daughters got to me. Instead, my dad texted me congratulations on the wrong day and sent me $20 to buy myself a drink. It could be worse, I know, but this was the time I finally realised no matter how much mahi I did and no matter how much I achieved in life, It was only for myself, and getting a degree at 19 did not feel like anything, I felt like it was wasted effort. It's also notable that succeeding in a society

with so much Tall Poppy syndrome is so odd; none of my friends reached out to say congratulations, and even throughout my studies, they dismissed my achievements when I wanted to celebrate.

What next? Well, I always thought I’d head straight into the corporate world and work my way up. After that day, that was the last thing I wanted to do. I realised I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had no idea what I cared for and what made me happy at the end of the day. I think most 20-year-olds have the same feeling, but to have felt like I was sure for so many years to suddenly be out in the world with a degree and no goals felt weird. There are no more tests to ace and no more people to prove wrong— nothing to prove to myself even. I’m sure so many of us are in this situation, academically, aesthetically or aesthetically. Especially in a world where the standards are getting so much higher, we are shown ‘perfection’ much more than our parents ever were.

The pressure is awn!

I think about what I wish I could have told my younger self and even what I wish I could tell my dazed and confused self now, and I think it’s just the need for a conversation. This is normal. I wish someone had pulled me aside and asked who or what I was working so hard for. I think our passions should be nurtured so much more. I’m still figuring things out, but I know it took a three-year degree and blood, sweat and tears to realise that I just wanted to write, not be some tech guru. When my first ever article was published in my wee local newspaper, I felt prouder than I ever was for that degree. I was prouder than I had ever been because I had done it for me.

I don’t think this article is finished; like myself, I think we are all figuring it out day by day. As cheesy as it is, I can say to nurture and heal your inner child sooner rather than later, at least before you get sucked into corporate life or something you don’t enjoy! And hey, maybe you’ll never lose that praise kink ;)

It's the last mag and we’re running out of ideas. So here’s a definitive list of ranking uni streets.

Knighton Road

The pearly gateway to unitown. It all begins here.

Old Farm Road

A good mix of students and families who get pissed off at the students.

Greensboro Street

If you find yourself on Greensboro there’s a good chance that you’ll find someone wanting to try out their new decks they got for their birthday. Trust us, don’t check out their Soundcloud.

Silverdale Road

Has Subway, a liquor store, and a couple of bakeries. More tradie-core but still serves the uni student’s wallet.

Hillcrest Road

I feel like Hillcrest deserves to be in the middle of

the pack, running straight through the uni and all. It’s just a bit boring is all.

Beaumont Street

Just kind of a dump yard at this place. Multiple curbside couches with piss stains have seen the end of their lives here.

May Street

Good luck driving down this street with oncoming traffic, it just ends up being a game of chicken. My friend's shoes got stolen here as well.

Hogan Street

If you’re here on a Saturday night, you’re not getting out. The roads have a nice combination of broken bottles and asphalt, which the regularly patrolling cop cars don’t enjoy.

Cameron Road

Not a bad place just named after a not cool person.

York Street

Get out. Run. Fast.

It's the summer of 1355 in Western Europe, meaning it's time to shed your mantle, kick on some summer shoes, and get busy with the harvest. But, it's also the little ice age, so maybe don't throw away that mantle just yet.

You might have already got your clothes for this season, and that's quite alright. If you're like most peasants, they might be the very same set of clothes you’ve been wearing all year round. But that doesn’t mean you can't change up your look and become the fairest of them all with 1355's biggest summer trends.

Release those luscious locks and ditch the veil

The summer is starting and it's time to take some risks. If you're married and wear a veil, why not try and show a glimpse of your mane by having your hair poke out underneath the cloth. To achieve this, take two bunches of hair right from your temples, plait them, then loop them back up to above your ear. This should create two. cute face framing braids, perfect for the change of season. If you're struggling with hair loss, faux pieces made from flax, wool, or even something else's hair can be used - just make sure the church doesn't find out, excommunication and damnation are one of this year's outs!

If you're feeling rebellious, those down South are beginning to say it's time to say adieu to the veil altogether. You might be familiar with standard hair braids, but Italian hair taping will keep you ahead of the trends by adding a pop of colour and keeping your locks securely on top of your head. Simply form two braids and loop them over your head,

before sowing them in place with a ribbon.

There is nothing more fair than a woman with an oval shaped face. Luckily for those of us not blessed with this quality, there is a way to scrape back the hair and raise the hairline. This can be done by plucking the hairs with tweezers, or by using various herbal concoctions such as parsley juice and Quim or ivy. For the more stubborn hairs. crushed eggshells or dried cats dung can be used as a depilatory exfoliator. But, like with all bodily changes, make sure the church doesn't find out - seriously, they get SUPER mad about this sort of thing.

Pot Bellies are in

In this post-plague world, fertility is fashionable. Long gone are the slender bodies of the Romans, Medieval Europe's hottest new trend is a "luscious little belly." swelling which "rises" outwards is revered by poets and artists alike. If you're a starving peasant, stay ahead of the trends and try stuffing your clothes with a sack. The best way to compliment this abdominal softness is by having a set of small breasts. If you've got the money, give your newborn baby to a wet nurse for feeding, and bind your own breasts to keep them petite and encourage them to shrink back down to a pleasing size after pregnancy.

Flower Crowns

Blending braids with flower crowns is one of 1355's coolest trends. Head to your local meadow to catch the last of spring's bloom, and weave them in a crown around your head Something tells me this won't just be a fleeting trend!

Mae Milne

I thought it was all in good fun. The maiming, the torture, the starvation. I mean, everyone has one of those days where they remove the ladder while someone is still in the pool. Who hasn't blocked off the exits when there's a fire? Or built a single room, one by one square meter walls on each side, with no light or nourishment?

It was only a game.

Every time this happened, I would boot up another family, name them something silly like "The Assholes," and get to work on my next dream home. Who would they fall in love with next? Which career trajectory would they navigate? How should I prematurely end their lives? These are the questions that any eight-year-old asks themselves while playing the pivotal, generation-defining PC game: The Sims.

I put my all into The Assholes: they had a luxury, twostory brownstone on a vast patch of land, with a swimming pool, multiple bathrooms, and a spacious kitchen. I was spoiling them with lavish fixtures. Today was an average day like any other. Little Timmy Asshole had been picked up by the big, yellow school bus, and baby Sophie Asshole was playing by the roadside in the front yard. Mother Annie and Father Daniel Asshole were at their respective workstations.

Left-clicking on Sophie, I directed her to go for a swim. She refused. My brow furrowed, and I became slightly irate. "This isn't supposed to happen," I thought. Again, I left-clicked. Her floating head traced an invisible tether between herself and my mouse as I slowly moved it towards the backyard. Clicking on the pool, I silently commanded her to take a dip. Another refusal. This was the first of many strange occurrences and deliberate misbehaviors I began to notice with The Assholes. Father Daniel refused to eat when I told him to and only went to the fridge when he felt like it. Timmy began taking long walks alone, disappearing from the map - no matter how far I scrolled, I couldn't find where he went, returning suddenly, without warning, when dinner was ready. It was like they had minds of their own.

My irritation grew into anger, The Assholes' incessant garblings and discordant, multisyllabic, conjunction-laden verbal

detritus they call a language frightened me. Hidden in what they call "Simlish" emerged the makings of killers. Emojis of knives sprouted up in their word balloons, and crudely animated pictures of stick-figure men, I could only assume were me. I could make out, in their ramblings, words like "murder" and "when he sleeps." One of them turned to me, their eyes boring into mine through the screen; in them, I saw thousands of hours of death and destruction, all by my hands. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, but in them, I only saw mine. I unplugged my computer and left my lamp on at night, unable to sleep, thinking my life was threatened and at risk.

This incident was a first-time occurrence, besides my brief foray into theme park creations with RollerCoaster Tycoon 2. My madcap creations led to the deaths of thousands of civilians. Roller Coasters that would lead to nowhere–carts flying off the tracks and exploding in midair. Or when they did lead somewhere, it was to a path of hapless attendees, trapped and unable to escape, the cart flying off its rails into the unsuspecting crowd. The workers revolted and unionised, and I fled with my tail between my legs and a briefcase full of pixelated 64-bit cash.

In the nights following, I jumped at every creak I heard and every polygonal shadow I saw. I became restless, trying to

predict The Assholes' moves and stay one step ahead. "Any moment now," I thought, "one of those Assholes is gonna come rushing in and take their revenge." But they never did.

Days went by before I turned my computer on again. What met me in my dark room was an empty house. Not a creature was stirring within those 3-dimensional walls. The Assholes had fled, and in their absence, a gaping hole was left. Where they went is a mystery, perhaps traversing a vast labyrinthine depth of computer wires and coding hitherto unknown, finally breaking free from the matrix.

Wherever they are, I know I'll be keeping one eye open when I'm sleeping. Will you?

Cheating on Shakira, making a massive nothing out of nothing. That’s our Piqué

It’s old news but this old news is still stinking up the closet. Someone needs to dispose of that skeleton

Sorry, couldn’t hear you over doing gang activities.

Edge us some more with this album. Like it’s probably not real. Definitely not real. Riri please

Almost one hundred years of racism and you’re still at it? Fix it. Oh that might be Oscars… fuck them too.

How to get banned from boating companies in Italy, flash your crack and get investigated by local authorities for indecent exposure.

At this point he’s a recurring character for us all to stare at with amazement. Not in a good way

Instead of releasing demon tracks, maybe try treating humans with a bit of respect?

Rihanna

James Lowe

James Wallace Grammys

Logan Paul

Mark Mitchell

Doja Cat

YEAH FUCK JAMES LOWE

41

Amber said you're a prick, we're inclinced to agree. Plus your wife is lowkey a pedo.

40

Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of my Dentist drilling out the cavities from the Raro water.

I love the movie V for Vendetta

39

Oh you fucked up king. It’s okay, there’s plenty of time to make a comebac- he’s 46!? Yeah it’s over.

38 35

“Looks fruity as hell 99% of the time. He's also just really dumb lol” A direct quote.

37

Kia Ora matua, can you please stop telling people Māori aren’t indigenous. It’s setting us back hundreds of years and you look dumb.

36

Orange Cunt. Stay out of the lane of presidency and enjoy the jumpsuit instead. I guess it’s hard to accept you lost without calling for an investigation. Fitting

34

For an out of touch millionaire asking for money, it’s a bit rich. Well not like you rich, but you know.

PAY HER MORE MONEY FOR AN AVERAGE JOB ABOUT SHIT WE’VE ALREADY SEEN. Privileged bitch

33

Emmanuel Macron

Tom Brady

Ja Morant

Ryan Hamilton

Winston Peters

The Rock

Guy Fawkes

Donald Trump

Rachel Zegler

Camillas

One of them got famous from riding the dick of a talentless narcissist. The other is Queen Consort.

26

NZ Royal Ballet 25

This was a suggestion so we’re not sure what you’ve done wrong. Fuck you anyway.

You did not beat that case. Hope someone shoots you aye bro.

Tory Lanez 24

Australia 23

You can try and take Mānuka from us, but indigenous people will rise against you. Never was, never will be.

Jarome Luai 22

You’re possibly the grubbiest lad in the league but the reason you’re here is faking an injury so you weren’t part of a losing team. Play better maybe

Nicola Willis 20

Fall off the LimeScooter again sis, please

Lizzo 19

Cancelled, returned and cancelled again. Let’s put her into some classes on how to treat staff where they don’t want to off themselves?

Joe Jonas 18

Gerard Sutton 16

If we see you in the street, no words. Catch these hands fucker. I guess you have a thing for missing when shits happening though.

ChatGPT 17

Loved your Māori coverage for Salient Magazine this year bro.

Fumbled Sansa Stark. And then lied? Lose the purity ring for cuffs.

Prince Andrew 15

You know that one episode of Black Mirror? Yeah it’s like that over and over with Andy

Ōtakau Uni 14

Let us get this straight. You spent all this money and for what?

For the racist kids to come out of the woodwork, complaining about a couple of letters changing and them finding it too hard? These are our future medical professionals and we’re getting a “not my Otago” response to Māori acknowledgments… bffr

Dirty Pig

Luis Rubiales 13

Stella & Kyea 12

Thanks to our Māori sisters for one of the MOST tumultuous years for student governance that we’ve all seen. Matriarchs in the process, up the waaaahines.

Chris Luxon 11

When we heard that Thomas the Tank Engine1 was getting a reboot, nothing could have prepared us for this hot new bombshell to enter the workroom. Here he is, in all his glory. Not in the top 10 though, the role of problematic political candidate is already taken, sorry king.

A new contender has entered the ring. Hunter McKay has shown up to the political race… race being the keyword there. NZFirst thought it best to put forth one of their more contentious candidates, vying for the actor route to hold its own. What they got was misguided racism and a hate-filled failed actor with a vendetta. There’s a way of arguing for no co-governance and Donoghue showed us the wrong way.

Brooke van Velden

Ew. Get off David's dick and form an opinion of your own.

Tax

Shit. Over it.

Oprah

She didn’t start the fire, it was already burning–don’t know the lyrics past this point. Hiring private firefighter prior to the blazes, pleading for money despite the

Jak Rāta

He’s back, the viper himself. Up a few places since last year, Jak has set a new level of disdain from the wider community as he single-handedly keeps the magazine going to print every week. But he forgot to print a couple of letters to the editor and is constantly battling the tauira by only printing good content and a well-designed magazine. Shame on you Matua Hoata.

Salient Mag

05

Hey cuties. We’ve seen the VIcConfessions posts, we’ve heard the complaints and we’re sorry for you guys. But it’s feeling very niche this year team–plus it’s just tradition that you’re on our list every time. Welcome to the top 10.

OceanGate

Okay okay, he’s probably a little too high on our list. But from the multiple instances of being a little sooky bubba, it’s kind of warranted at this point. Understandable that he’s so young and such a talented player in the league, and girls love him, but that doesn’t excuse being a spritely little pocket rocket that needed to be knocked all the way off his perch.

03

We can spend billions of dollars, countless hours of social media and news coverage on a couple of missing billionaires (R.I.P.) but we can’t manage a few police officers out there to find indigenous women in landfills? Ron Weasley said it best, “She (the upper 1%) really needs to sort out their priorities”

CountDown

Rake in the money just to use it to change your name and not treat humans with decent respect. Well done.

01. David Seymour

He’s back e te iwi. Our Māori saviour. If there’s one thing about David Seymour that you need to know, he’s always consistent. This is the fifth year he’s at the top of your list for worst people, beating out the likes of Putin, Andrew Tate and many more. We’ve said so much about this man that it’s even starting to sound like a strange parasocial relationship.

As this election draws closer, it’s becoming painfully obvious that everyone’s wanting a massive paradigm shift. That’s fine, and we can’t deny that it’s starting to make us all feel a little lethargic. It’s almost like we’re stuck in a desert with nothing to drink but that last thing we want is David Seymours piss.

We don’t want to waste our energy on what more this bastard has done to piss us off. We’ll just say this, go fucking vote. That's if you don't agree with ACT's policies. If you do however? Good for you.

Oh my god hi, how are you bro?

Hey legend! I’m bloody good! Thanks for reaching out!

Tell us, and the loyal 6 readers of Nexus, who you are and what you do. Try us with an elevator pitch.

Hey everyone! I’m Taylor Nixon, a bit of an eclectic creative that works predominantly as a Filmmaker/Videographer in the Commercial, Events and Music scene in Te Whanganui-a-Tara (Wellington). I’m currently crafting Music Videos for local artists like Milktooth, Sig Wilder & Friends, and REID, while also creating ads for companies like FIFA and Xero. I also have made a couple shorts and web series, and am always crafting my next film to be made.

As a multidisciplinary artist, what drives you to keep creating? Does having different facets make it hard to approach a creative process?

Phewy, I think a lot of things definitely keeps me creating - with it becoming my full time hustle, keeping my landlord off my back has been one driving factor - but beyond all those requirements and expectations, the bottom line is I love to connect and uplift people.

I’m driven by the urge to create work that makes us all feel heard and seen. Also, creativity has long been a part of my life, with most of my family expressing their creative passions, so I guess in a weird way it's a part of who I am too.

Alongside your main page, with reels and short film work, you also run@prouddad.nz. What prompted that?

Proud Dad is another little hustle I’ve got going on! I started it in April of 2023, and it's a community focused online platform that supports and uplifts creatives in Aotearoa, through it I share creatives work for free, put on koha entry networking events, and also connect people with resources and opportunities out there.

I saw the need for more connection and collective growth. It's sometimes really isolating being a creative, and so hard to get yourself out there. I wanted to even the playing field a bit, and inspire people to do the same.

In Aotearoa there’s a massive issue with Tall Poppy Syndrome. If you had to offer advice for upcoming

creative and rangatahi, what would that be?

Honestly, I don’t think there’ll be a day I don’t stop trying to combat Tall Poppy Syndrome (hopefully when its gone) it's such a killer of the creative soul, especially for young creatives like all of us (I’m getting older now though wow) who are are trying to find what stories they want to tell and the mediums of creativity they want to tell those stories through.

I’d just say stay true to you. Deep down we all have a why - a reason we get up, and a moral compass that guides us - many deny or refuse that they have a why, but everyone does. That's your antidote to Tall Poppy Syndrome, knowing that in all your work you create, it actually doesn't matter what judgement or opinions might come in, as long as you stay true to yourself and your why.

As a creator, what’s your dream? Where do you see yourself in 5 years kind of vibe.

One day I’ll be making TV Shows! Would love to have a massive scale production shooting on home turf, with everyone getting awesome, new voices and stories to watch.

For Five Years the plan is to keep learning and growing my Music Video work, make a few shorts, and get around to making that feature about my experiences living in a house bus/ seeing my Dad’s addiction that I’ve had on my mind for years. Super personal, but definitely a story to show parts of the world we don’t always see.

But also I want to have a bunch of joyful times with the people I love, and the creatives around me I admire. That’s the dream.

Coming back to Proud Dad for a second, what’s the goal there? If you have one that is. It’s a space for growth and uplifting creatives, but do you have a vision for it?

Honestly I started it with massive goals and missions, but it was un-organic and forced. Now I just want to hone in on what I do well with the platform (showing off people and holding meet up events) and do that really well!

For Proud Dad to become a sort of household name for uplifting and inspiring people to make change and create similar spaces and communities would be the vision for sure. I’d love for us all to reach our goals.

What’s been your biggest challenge and your biggest accomplishment?

Wow. Massive question! Honestly my biggest hurdle was my own self doubt and criticism - I told myself I couldn’t live this dream of creating and crafting full time, because so many said how hard and unlikely it is to succeed.

But then I realised, life's short, success is what you make it, and screw not betting on myself for a change. Now I’m here! Sure the work is not always consistent, the hours can be killer, and rest is hard to find - but every day I learn and grow, and get to create stories and craft films I always dreamed of making. And that’s bloody awesome.

Is there anything on the horizon we should be watching for?

Oh! I’ve got a steady stream of projects coming out if you’d like to check them out or connect my most active spot is Instagram: @ taylornixonfilm

Or if you’re a creative and want to meet others, or love what Proud Dad is about, check it out on Instagram or Facebook: @ prouddad.nz

Any words you want to throw into the ether?

Well, if you’ve read this far you probably like what I’ve been saying enough to hear some advice - not that some weird man calling himself Dad online is any sign of wisdom - but honestly, I’ve got something important to say:

Life is one hell of a roller coaster - and not one of the kiddie ones at Rainbows End that don’t last long - it's full of twists, turns, and moments that leave you hanging upside down wondering when the hell you’ll get upright again. But it's also beautiful, precious, and we’re very lucky to all be alive.

So cherish it damn it, and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be the best, or live this life of the highlights reels onlineyou’re walking your own path, one only you can take.

Trust yourself that you’ll reach where you want to be - and if you don’t, you’ll end up where you need.

Stay groovy. Tay x

SUMMA

He's ready, we're ready and it's all over. Our first and only 5/5.

That's king shit right there

Trend Alert:

BEING A KING AND THROWING IN THE TOWEL FOR THE YEAR

Teina, 23, Law

1. Mira, Temepara and Stella forever

2. Word on the block, he's the greatest.

3. LSD Probabaly.

4. Marry Shaun, Kill Jarome, fuck Reece.

5. Absolutely all of our Rangatahi need their voices heard.

Jet, 22, Health Sport

1. Uh I can't actually.

2. He's been the greatest editor

3. Life is my drug bro

4. Marry Shaun, Kill Jarome, fuck Reece.

5. I think yeah, definitely.

Morse, 20, CompiSci

1. Uh no I can't sorry.

2. Yeah he's the GOAT aye

3. *shrug* Pizza?

4. Marry Shaun, Kill Shaun, fuck Shaun.

5. Yeah, it's important aye.

Lachlan, 23, English

1. No haha. Sorry

2. The greatest aye

3. Alcohol, I'm pretty boring

4. Marry Shaun, Kill Reece, fuck Jarome.

5 Yeah, I think definitely, it matters more than you realise.

1. Name 3 board members on the WSU

2. Was Jak a great editor or the greatest editor?

3. Drug of choice for festival season?

4. Fuck, marry, kill. Shaun Johnson, Reece Walsh or Jarome Luai

5. Should Māori cede sovereignty?

Thomas, 23, Law

1. Uh Oj, Lushomo and Kyea. Oh and Stella

2. Jak is amazing and the best editor ever

3. I don't know

4. Marry Shaun, Kill Reece, fuck Luai.

5. Always bro

Craccum

Craccum, in all honesty, really does just remind me of Auckland. Does every freaking uni mag have to represent their city so well? And if so, are we at an unfair advantage because of that? Anyways, as Auckland University's mag, Craccum is very much in their city-girl vibe. It’s artsy, bold, and very much student-orientated.

Like Salient, Craccum sticks to a strict theme for every issue, and there is a hell of a lot of content. I couldn’t tell you about a single thing I read because there were so many words (how do I work for a magazine and hate reading?), but I will say that some of the issues really caught my eye. One thing I found interesting was a feature called “Stripped of the rights - why strippers and sex workers are fighting for the love of their jobs”. Now we all have our own opinions about that line of work, but it was really interesting to read about what actually goes on in that industry from the people involved, and to hear how they actually feel about their work and why they do it.

Small shoutout to whoever sent the photo for their tits to be on the cover of their sex issue- confidence is key, and you sure have a hell of a lot.

Critic Te Ārohi

Oh. My. Fuck. Before I talk about content, I just want to say that Critic’s covers are so cool. From a National Geographicesque design to a remake of the Kill Bill poster, I’m already intrigued. For covers, I have to say Critic takes a W. Good job.

Moving onto content, Critic is very much like all of the other student mags. There’s news, features, puzzles (why is it placed so close to the start of the mag tho?), and other shit that seems relevant to students. One thing I do like is the separate designs for the news and the rest of the magazine; the news is very much straightforward, with white background. Once you pass the puzzles, Critic becomes a lot more vibrant and artistic with their designs.

One of the coolest things about Critic is their double page about “weekly specials”. They write about things to watch, read, listen to, do, support, and cancel. It seems like a cool idea to mix reviews with student life, and the design isn’t in-your-face or hurting-your-eyes, so it’s a quick and easy read. Nice.

In terms of being a student magazine, I’m not too sure what else there is to offer. It’s very cool to see how writing and opinions differ across different cities and universities in New Zealand, but fuck it, Nexus on top.

Salient

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that Salient is on the artsy vibe. With lots of colour and pzazz, it’s kinda obvious that it’s the student magazine of Victoria Uni. I didn’t look through all of their issues (because fuck, who has the time?), but I can say that the covers are at least all very eye-catching. My personal favourite cover is the one for issue 19, only because it reminds me of those teen bop magazines I used to read as a kid, mixed with a little sprinkle of Bratz.

But now for the main part: the content. Well, there’s a lot.

I did notice that the Salient issues have quite a few pages of news, which I think is pretty cool. It’s hard writing news for a student mag, because the issue always comes out the week after the content is written, so most stories are a bit old. But they’re putting the effort in, and I guess it’s working because they keep doing it.

Another thing I found really cool was that on their puzzles pages, they have a word of the week to learn. And guess what? It’s in NZSL! They have a picture demonstrating the action for the word, and it’s always relevant to their theme for that issue. I think that’s pretty awesome of them to add into their mag. I tried to learn a few words, but I forgot them very quickly… but if that’s something that interests you, there’s a place to start.

I think the general vibe of Salient is actually pretty alright, but even though I work for a student mag myself, I must say that all the reading kinda gets to you. My eyes are screaming at me right now, but it is what it is. Hmmm… I wonder when the age of magazines will truly be over…

WORD WHEELS

E H O M N S A D

SIMPLE PUZZLE FOR SIMPLE PEOPLE CONNECT THE DOTS

NUMBER SEQUENCE

The sequence below follows a specific pattern. Study the sequence and determine the missing number(s) or the next number in the sequence. Write your answer(s) in the designated space provided.

Auckland

Christchurch

Wellington

Hamilton

Tauranga

Napier

Dunedin

Palmerston North

Rotorua

New Plymouth

Whangārei

Invercargill

Nelson

Upper Hutt

Whanganui

Gisborne

Blenheim

Taupō

Porirua

Raglan

Hastings

Timaru

Bluff

Greymouth

TRIVIA

What is the largest organ in the human body?

Who was the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean?

What is the chemical symbol for water?

What is the smallest prime number? ANSWERS FROM LAST WEEK: 1. MARS 2. BLUE WHALES 3. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

BECAUSE WE KNOW THE STUDENT LIFE STRUGGLE IS REAL AND THERE’S ONLY SO MANY 2-MINUTE NOODS ONE CAN HANDLE, WE’VE GOT A SPECIAL OFFER JUST FOR YOU AND YOUR FELLOW STUDY BUDDIES.

with aIoli