Opinion Section
B
efore we get too into it, I have a few honourable mentions.
If anyone meets anyone named Ranga, shake his hand because he’s lovely. Not the Ranga that ripped photo’s off our wall though. That one’s a bad luck charm and will get you arrested at the end of your driveway for holding an open Pulse on V8’s night. The bouncers at CBD, House, Bar 101, The Hood and Agenda also deserve a round of hi 5s on account of having #swag #yolo #ermergerd. Outback though... a) no I’m not younger than I was last week, b) yes it’s STILL my ID, c) when you say “Hi Jess” after seeing me during the day, it is not socially acceptable to have ‘never met me’ at night. I just don’t like females. I don’t see hot chicks and think “oh fuck you and your Bangin’ McBang genetic structure,” in fact I’m more inclined to hi 5 you for being hot and not wearing fat pants to town; but as a species, we are horrendously embarrassing. “I’m not embarrassing, those girls are stupid. Haters.” Please. Stop being basic. “Tell a girl she’s pretty everyday and she’ll love you forever.” Translation: Give us your balls. “She’s might say she’s fine, but she’s crying on the inside.” Translation: Give us your balls. “Never make a girl fall for you unless you intend to catch her.” Translation: Give us your balls, especially if you don’t want to. When did we become this desperate pile of Pinterest photos? It’s the start of a new semester so I’m going to us a chance at redemption. Every time you fuck it up, a baby dies. Ermergerd. 1) Ok so I know you like this guy. I know you’ve hooked up once or twice. You know what else I know? You
have no right; ZERO right; to get angry that he is hooking up with someone else unless he has explicitly told you that he wouldn’t. I don’t care if he looks at you with ‘those eyes’. What even are ‘those eyes’? I’ll tell you what; they’re fucking imaginary. Yes you can be hurt, you’re not a robot, but unless he has broken any promises, unless he has lied, unless he has verbally/ physically assaulted you in anyway than I’m sorry but suck your shit up and move on, he has. 2) STOP TRYING TO FIX PEOPLE. He’s basically a 12 year old and everyone hates him. Loving him isn’t going to change anything. It will simply make him a 12 year old that everyone hates who somehow roofied his way into a relationship. “Wah what do you even know. I love him and he’s changing for me.” You’re an idiot; but I’ll still be here for you when it blows up in your face. 3) You don’t have to be with someone to love them. Love isn’t a rugby match; there’s no little scoreboard at the end tallying up how much possession you had. So let him go out, let him have friends, let him be the dick you initially wanted to bang for extended periods of time. If you’re worried he’s gunna cheat, he’ll find a way whether you keep him in a cage or out roaming free range. You can deal with it when/if ever occurs. Stop torturing yourself over shit that hasn’t even happened. 4) Guys and girls can sleep around equally. It’s not sleeping with 2 people in the bathroom at Outback that defines whether you’re a slut or a legend. It’s whether you laugh about
it and had fun OR whether you cried about it afterwards and walked home holding your shoes with your genitals hanging out. 7) Don’t argue that you want equality within gender roles then cry that he didn’t open the door for you. Open your own door. Just realised that sounds like a metaphor for masturbation. Girls, I do love you. Not enough to become a lesbian, but certainly enough that if I see anymore recockulous shit on my Facebook, I will pull you aside and have words. Hope your Oweek goes swimmingly. Next week is for you lads. Love your souls, MMF.X Reference list: Me. Because right through from puberty until today, I have been one of the most severe embarrassments ever to embarrass anyone ever. Facebook. The fridge. Technically not a reference but definitely a solid support system.