Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19) As realisation sets in, the presence of cold sweats become ever more apparent. You’ve made mistakes and that’s ok— just remember that you’ll be disowned if you drop out after coming this far.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22) The waning moon leaves a desolate glow on the twilight hours. Abandonment is hard to swallow. Luckily, that emptiness is easily replaced by a moderate concoction of narcotics and meaningless sex.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20) The seismic pulses of Mars signify your inner desire for challenge. Consuming medium-rare chicken is always a good place to start, but maybe step it up to some yet-to-be-slaughtered lamb chops.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21) As the autumn mists of Venus begin to subside, it becomes clear that you’re achieving a little too much too easily. Fear not, for the Zodiac will restore balance. Prepare for copious shit to enter your metaphorical fan.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Retrograde brings strife to your electronic devices. Battery life may decrease along with the frequency at which apps work as intended. Take caution while stalking ex-lovers; the last thing you need is to send them an accidental ego boost. Cancer (June 21-July 22) You’re beautiful, truly stunning, and without a doubt, gorgeous. The thought of you causes flushed cheeks; your presence leaving knees weak. Please unblock me, I swear I can explain. I will always love you. Leo (July 23-Aug 22) With broken promises; comes unyielding regret. You know you could’ve done better but at the time, you did nothing but fail yourself and those around you. Be better. Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22) SISTAH! It’s time you spilled your own tea, hun—we all know there’s a little crush stirring in those loins. Don’t worry sis, just be new; be bold. There’s nothing a naughty confession won’t fix. Okurr.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21) Everyone is aware that your physical prowess is far from at its peak. Though if we hear you crack one more joke about how hard it is to make it up the Library stairs, we’ll push you right back down. Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Childhood possessions prove increasingly intimate with the marching of time. Nothing will ever hold the same joy it once did. It’s a shame you completely wasted your adolescence. . Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) It would be harsh of us to say you were dropped completely as a child; your siblings may not have been quite as lucky though. Let’s just say there’s a reason your parents don’t expect as much from the rest of their kids. Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) Take a moment, close your eyes, breathe. There’s no valid excuse to leave your washing in the washing machine. All of your flatmates despise you.
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