Beginning a National Conversation About Men and Peace
By Rob Okun
When the current tenant of the White House signed the act establishing the ew Deparunent of Homeh!nd Security
I did not find myself feeling particularly secure . On the conrrary, I shuddered The nuth Is, feelings of safety and security all of us want and deserve are very precarious right now. For those of us who are male , thinking about safety and security has never been what we've dwelled on Most of us have always assumed we would be safe and secure At least white men have After all, isn't that what male privilege is all about? What's put a chink in that seemingly invincible armor is our collective memory of September 11, 2001 lerrorism as the great equalizer
Out of that horrifying tragedy has come a thin ray of light, a narrow beacon of hope While the flock marauding at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue is still reacting, still kneejerking around, quietly a movement within the larger; revitalized peace movement is beginning to emerge Call it Men of Heart, Another Father for Peace, Men Against War Revive the eighties group, Brother Peace It's not the names that matter. What does is more men choosing to express their feelings (of fear and insecurity, among a range of others) rather than stuffing them . Ever since male fire fighters and police officers , and male rescue workers and medica! personnel, hugged and cried together before a worldwide audience at Ground Zero, a national conversation has begun about men and peace
It may still be a quiet conversation, and it may not yet be taking place on every town green and downtown city plaza across the country, but its murmurs are becoming more distinct.
It would be naive to think that W and Dick, Colin and Don are engaged in the conversation They're not. They're still having the old one"Might equals right" and "Bomb 'em back into the Stone Age "-that warlords have always engaged in It would also be naive not to acknowledge there is real danger out there and that plans to protect ourselves must be made and implemented. (But for our children's sake, those plans must include more voices than jUSt those at the Pentagon .) There is a simultaneous nuth at work here : Men have a tremendous stake in whether or not we fight another wan Fathers do Sons do Brothers, uncles, cousins-we all do .. While the armed foroes have begrudgingly accepted women into their formerly old boys' club , the vast majority of the soldiers bombing and battling in Baghdad will be male , most just barely past boyhood
So what can those of us do who believe what the sign on a maple tree in my neighborhood says--"War Can't Make Peace"? Actually start a group called Men of Hean, or Another Father for Peace, or Men Against War Collect signatures for an ad in your local newspaper with text explaining why, a.S males, you are opposing war. Ask your clergy to invite you or someone you know to deliver a "men · are for peace" sermon Get your local, state and federal legislators to go on record endorsing a men-as-peacemakers point of view Challenge them if they won't. The potential for amplifying the national conversation about men and peace
is limited only by men's imaginations. Our mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts and nieces have already weighed in. Two weeks before Thanksgiving, women from around the U S began a peace vigil in Lafayette Park across from the White House. It will continue without a break until International Women's Day on March 8, culminating in a massive women's peace march Organizers say the vigil js an urgent call to prevent a war for oil against Iraq (For more information, go to www unitedforpeace org.) Men are invited to participate in the vigil and I'm sure a lot will But what about our own initiative? What are men going to do? Just as men have said it is our responsibility to prevent sexual assault and domestic vio.lence against women, we have an obligation to take a stand as men against war
Imagine men-gathering as men-speaking out against war. Becoming a major force, for instance, lobbying to establish a Deparunent of Peace and creating a Peace Academy (ideas that for years have been bandied about in Congress-see http ://thomas.loc .gov and search on "HR2459") Perhaps such effons c.ould begin as a way to honor the memory of a Washington figure who was pan of the national conversation about men and peace, the late Sen Paul Wellstone If men want to redefine their identity from war lords to princes of peace, now is the time.
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In this issue, men taking initiative to stop violence is the subtext of RobenJensen's "Challenging Rape Culture" (page 8), while men's search for peace-inner peace, anywaycan be found in both managing editor Michael Burke's "Where Men Are Accepted" about the value of men's suppon groups (page 10) and David Rider's "Opening the Door: Men &: Depression," (page 14) Allan Arnaboldi and Martha Henry explore the prospects for expanding our connection in "Gay Men, Straight Women" (page 12). Our Fathering · column could be called "Parenting" this issue, as Joe Kelly and Nancy Gruver write about Feminist Family " (page 16). A younger feminist offers ideas about what young ·wotnen want from young men in "Yo, Boys : It 's About Respect!," Aviva Okun's Voices of Youth column (page 17) Tom Ziniti advocates for spousal rights in "Relationship to Deceased? Partner!," Outlines (page 18). For Javed Kazi painful memories of coming to America are the grist for "The Tarnish on the Melting Pot," Color Unes (page 21), while Men&: Health offers a grim repon on "Men of Color 's Fragile Health" (page 20) As always, we want to hear what you're thinking Please write us-mrc@mensresourcecetuer.org or 236 No . Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002. To a yoor of peace for aU of us!
Administrative Staff
Executlvs Dlrsctor -Steven Botkin
Assoclats Dlrsctor - Rob Okun
Dlrsctor of OpBiatlons - Carl Erikson
Osvs/opmsnt Coordinator - Spirit Joseph
Men Overcoming Violence
0/rsctor- Russell Bra dbury-Carlin
Clinical Supsrvlsor - Sara Elinoff
lntaics Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Tru del
PartnBI Ssrv/css Coordinator- Jan Eidelson
Franklin County Coordinator- Joy Kaubin
Hampdsn County Coordinator- Sco tt Gira rd North Ouabbln Community Educator - Tom Sullivan
,Admlnlstratlvs Coordinator- Edga r Cancel
Group Lsadsrs - James Arana, Eve Bogdano ve, Russe ll Bradbury-Carlin, Kare n Fog liatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Ga ry Newcomb, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan , Steve Trudel
Immigrant and Refugee Program
Dlrsctor- Juan Carlos Arean
Youth Programs
Coordinator- Je ff Harris
Group LsadBI- Edga r Cancel
Voice Male Magazine
Editor - Rob Okun
Managing Editor- Michael Burke
Ssnlor Editor - Steven Botkin
DsslgnBI - Chandler & Co.
Copy Editor - Michael Dover
Support Programs
0/rsctor - Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators -Allan Arnaboldi, Bu rke, An dy Denniso n, Jim Devlin, Michae l Dover. Carl Erikson , Jerry Garofalo, Tim Gordon , Ken Howa rd', Rk:k Kapler. Gabor Lukacs, Rick Mariin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy; Jim Nap olitan, Rob Parte/, Nelson Pinette , Roger Stawasz, Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan , • Sheldon Snodgrass, Bob Sternbe rg , John H. Tho mpson, Les Wright
Board of Directors
Chair - Peter Jessop
VIes Chair- Thom Herman
C/Bik- Michael Dovef
Trsasursr- Sudhakar Vamathevan
Msmbers -Jenny Dan iell, Nan cy Girard, Tom Ga rdner. Jack Hornor. Yoko Kato, Brenda L6pez, MathewOuellet
Advisory Board
Michael Bardsley, Larry Beane, Dean Cycon , Ba iley Jackson, Luis Me lendez, Matthew Morse, Cheryl Rivera, Elizabeth Scheibel, Diane Troderman, Fe lice Yeske/
' Editor's Note
Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff, board. or members of the MRC We we lc ome letters, articles, news ite ms, article ideas, and events of interest We encourage unsolicite d manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss f>1anuscnpts will be returned and resp onded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male , 236 flo St., Amherst, MA 01002; mrc@mensresourcecenter.org.
Advertising
For ra tes and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising a/413-253-9887, Ext 20.
Privilege and Cl·ass
By Steven Botkin
AAt the Men 's Resource Center we are learning about prtyilege : We began this journey trying to understand how male prtvilege works for men Privilege , we are learning, h as both benefits and costs The joumey has also taken us into the labyrtnth of heterosexual privilege and the caverns of wt¥te privilege We are learning that prtvilege can be a pro tec tion from deeply held fears and insecurities. And we are learning that when wt; have it, privil ege can be invisible to us , buried. unde r our isolation and our assumptions abo ut what is
We are discoV,ering how we judge and limit ourselves based o n prejudices and stereotypes, and how 1the history of · discrimination continues to weigh us cloWn a nd make us feel .unseen. for those o f us who have bee n targe te d by prej,ud ice and · , discrimination, o ften invisibl e ' "int ernaliz ed oppression" is the co mplement to prtvilege , ke eping Lis is olated and silent in o ur hopelessness about change.
As we take this j ourney toget her Wii: , frequ ently encounter feelings of hurt , fear, · anger, and s ham e ?orne of these are feeliRgs about our painful histories wi th prtvilege and oppression. Some are abo ut h ow these patterns continue to persist in our lives and at the MRC. Often these feelings are all mixed up togeth er ; often th ey trtgger similar feelings in others. Our most imp ortant insights emerge from our ability and willingness to simply listen with compassion ancl to have th e d es ire to understand
Our falhetreat for the MRC board •and staff was another important s tep on this journey W e spen,t the day, with expert facilitation .from felice Yes ke! and jenny Latld b f Clas s Action , exploring the impact o f socioeco nomie class and classism on our lives, our'work ·. 1 • • relationships, and our organizational 'piiorttie5.'
The honesty, vulnerability, commidn'ent ' and dive rsity of this group were, ohce again , ' very obvious. As we listen ed to each o ther's stories about o ur childhoods, another dimension of our legacies of prtvilege and interna lized 'oppression became visible We saw how profoundly o ur family ' s ' socioeconomic status continu es to influ ence our pres ent-day values, ass umptions, and prtortties As we 'examined ·the programs and resources that w e do and don't offe r at the MRC, the financial accessibility o f our programs and events, our staff salary and b enefits structure, and our fundraising strategies, w e saw how th ese values, assumptions, and pri ortties significantly influence every aspect of th e organization
This led us to ask ourse lves many challenging questions As a Me n 's Resource Center whose missio n includes "su pporting men, " what resources and s upport do we offer men who are poor and working class? How , can we make o ur programs and activities financially access ible·as well as financially s u stainable? What is fair compensation for
work being done for the MRC? How do we differentiate vo lunteer work from paid work? , How do we develop fundraising strategies that , do not prtorttize people with wealth to the , exclusion of other constiruencies? Whose voices are included (or not) in our decisionmaking about any of these questions?
We also realized how masculinity and classism are de e ply interconnected Men are trained to find self-worth and self-esteem · alrrios t exclusively in their ability to fulfill the breadwinner/ provider role. What you do ancl what you have are seen as the most important reflections of who you are and how good, hardworking, and productive you Size (of paych eck, house , and car) matters. At the , same time, most men work in dehumanizing environments designed to the most production for the least cost. to approach life as a competitio n for limited res0urces, many males are socialized to accept this circum stance as th e sacrtfice neces_sary ,to fulfill the provider role.
Clearly th ese issues are vital to the •MRC mission. From the .s tart we have been committed to creating an organization that I through its programs , s rrucrure , and culrure w o uld chall enge th e inequalities in soc ial classes. We knew ev.e n back then •we were - ' taking o n a large, lo ng-term proje ct. In many · ways we are jus t b eginning to understand the true scope of rhis·mission
, · As we travel orr this journey we are clearly < en route to b eco ming a multiculrural '· organization. Througho ut our programs and at staff and b 0a rd meetings we are h aving discussions about prtvilege and internalized oppression. We arii: creating the opportunities, pe rmission , mid safety to listen to what has not been heard, see what has not been seen, and accept feelings that have not been und,ersfo od. As 1we support ' and challenge each o thdfn the.Se-ways, we ream we can travel thl5 journey tog'e thedt's our h ope that this effort someday as a model for a new society. ·
Voice Male and MRC Come to Texas
The bundle of Voice Male magazines anived just in time for the sexual assault and domestic violence conference here. The magazine was a big hit with the male participants of the conference. What a great experience. I met a wonderful individual from Nicaragua who is co-founder of th e Association of Men Against Domestic Violence there He has written a book in Spanish on the work that they are doing with men entided Against the Stream The idea of establishing a Men's Resource Center in our, · area was well received. I hope to really stress the idea of establishing an MR,C.
Emiliano Diaz de Leon Harlingen, Tex.
Violence and Homophobia Related?
I recently read several back issues of Voice Male on the plane coming back from Amherst. I was impress ed by the generally high quality of the writing, for example Michael Dover's article "Fighting Words: Beware of Soundl::lite Thinking" (Spring 2002). Lots of s ruff about sexuality and inclusiveness for gay men. Is there a connection between violence and homophobia 0 must be macho because I can dominate my wife)? I would like to see some discussion of workplace issues, like abusive bosses and difficult subordinates. The same macho bullshit that kills us at home kills us at
work. Maybe it 's eve n worse at work, because we spend so much of our lives there, in an atmosphere of intrigu e, bullying, and co mpetition.
BiU Schauman Silver Spring, Md.
Women in Black, Men and Peace
In reading Voice Male I am pleased there is interest in discussing issues of war and peace . We need more forums devoted to this crucial topic. Perhaps the experiences of a group I belong to, Women in Black, might add to this dialogue, for men as well as women. The first Women in Black group began in jerusalem in 1988 after the first Palestinian intifada, when several Israeli women dressed in black and went toil major intersection in the city and held signs in the shape of a hand that said, "Stop the Occupation." More groups of women in Israel followed suit. Tpe practice spread very quickly and spontaneously to other co unt;ries Groups of women in black in Italy, japan, India, the United States, Canada, Australia, Bosnia, and elsewhere have used this method to draw · attention to issues of econom ic justic t;, violence against women, and war, another form of violence, in their communities. Several groups meet in western Massachusetts; ours holds vigils on Fridays in the center of Anlherst from 12 to 1 p m We hold signs reading, "No More \Mlr," "End the Israeli Qccupauon," "Stop Violence Against Wom en," "Feed the Children," "No \Mlr in Iraq," etc We hand out a different informational she et each week , a column or an article that seems appropriate. Men's responses to our seem to fall into one of four categories. There are those who give us a signal that they suppon our standsthe driver of a semi who pulls on his hom and gives the "V" (peace) sign out his The man who co mes by and says, "Good for you." But these responses are in inverse proportion to women 's. A second ca tegory iS the young men, three or four to a who roll down a window, imd yell, "Nuke 'em" or "Bomb 'em." Another group are the men who walk by in silence, but _ with rather derisive grins on their faces that
Internal Mediation - Life Beyond Therapy
H.ornor
Men's Resource Center Board Member
Philanthropist of the Year For Hampshire County Massachusetts
Selected By the Association of Fundraising Professionals
Way to Go, jack!
seem to say, "Oh, you silly women. What do you know about anything?" The founh are those men who stop to ,have a word or two in order to set us straight. Their remarks indicate that they cannot think "outside the box." Theil argument is that need-to-take-him-out. They are resistant to hearing how we think the problem with Iraq should be handled Perhaps other Voice Male readers would care to add their comments so that we can develop a better understanding of one another across the gender diyide Mary Wentworth Amherst, Mass.
"Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie " and Thorn Herman is a certified Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process tl1at fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts
Thorn can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation . He also works wiUl clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield, MA.
For more informotion check out Thorn's web site at:
Army's "Terror" of Gays
Homoph obia's hold on institutions in this cou ntry apparendy has carried over to the war on terror. A gay ve teran who "p roudly serve d not one, but two tours of duty in Vietnam," wrote the San Francisco Chronicle's letters page recendy to express his outrage at the U.S · Army's anti-gay sentiment. In a letter published in th e newspaper in mid-Nove mber, San Franciscan Paul BarWick, who served in Vietnam from I966 to 1968, wrote, "I am diSgus ted that the Army I served in fin ds gay soldi ers more of a threat to this nauon than It does al Qaeda While our government scramb les to find Arabic speakers and translato rs , and bemoans their scarcity, they have the gall to disc harge more than 10 percent of this year's Arabic language students at th e Defense Language Institute in Monterey because of their sexual orientation. ls the need to perpe tu ate an irrational discrimination against our own ci tizens really greater than the , need to--pro tect this country from Its enerrues?
Apparendy the Army believes It LS. Nme soldiers who attended a training ce nter m Monterey, Calif. , including at least six who speak Arabic, were discharged by the Arrny-:not because they were suspected of being sptes or terro rist co llaborators, but because they threa tened to undermine military unity and natio nal secmity nonetheless. How? Th ey' re gay. The nine were dismtssed over several months. At a time when the U.S . claims to need as many skilled peo pl e as possible . woFking on th e war on terror, "is this any arne to worry <tbout the sexual orientation of someone who might help save lives ?" asked Steve Lopez in a co lumn in th e Los Angeles Times before Thanksgiving.
Despite speaking pretty goo d Arabic,
Gamble, 24 , got the heave-hci in Augu st ," according to Lop ez .. who said the translator was inspired to enlist after · inteiTLShips at two Navy sites, includmg one m an intelligence unit.
"He s tudied Latin and German while earning a co llege degree , and the Army put him on track for the Defens e Language Insutute m Monterey," Lopez reponed " ln basic training , Gambl e says, he qualified as marksm<tn on the M-16. At th e language irtstitute in Monterey, he got a letter of co mm endation ."
"September 11 certajnly made me more co mmitted to the military At leas t, I became more com mitted to learning the language," says Gamble "I rememb er listening to some taped interviews of Osama bm Laden m class right after the attacks and ptcking up words and phrases, t,:ve n at that early stage in the COUrSe."
But last spring , in the middl e of the night, h e got a visit that would end his career. Gamble had been seeing another soldier m the language school , and because Roben Hicks was about to graduate and move on, they risked a night together in Gamble's room
3:30 a m , we both woke to the fire alarm in my building ," Gamble says, a knocking •at the door announcing a .surpnse 'health and welfare ' irtspec tion ." Gamble bought so me time while Hicks oied to climb out the window, but a sergeant was wamng outside
"Get these 'inspectors' to Baghdad immediately. Saddam won't stand a chance ," Lopez wrote about the incident
Incredibly, while awaiting his dtscharge , Gamble says, the Army took note of his co mmand of Arabic and assigned him to work as a substitute teacher in the program from which he' d just been dismissed
Go, Army
Bank: Good Dads Are "Losers"
What is the 'real agenda behind an American merchant bank's "generous " paternity-leave program? A com admitted was ?.c tually intended to weed out the losers ln other words , male employees who use paternity leave-who see valu e, and even necessity, in spending arne wtth thetr newborn children- have essentially branded themselves as not sufficiendy committed to the company. They may be fired or not protnC'Jted, and thus are penalized for trying to be good dads . Oth er executives say that while it 's considered OK for mothers to take parental leave, it can be "th e kiss of death" for a father.
This is just one of the dtsturbing findings in a hew report from The Work Founcjation called Dad's Army : The Case for Workplaces by Ric):Jard Reeves. The Work Fou ndation is a London-based orgaruzauon whose purpose is to improve working life through research, consulting, and advocacy. To read the repon and get more news from the front lines of parenting and work life , go to www. theworkfoundation .com/index.jsp.
Men Stopping Violence · Against Women on Campus
Wha t ki nds of activi ties and·programs are effective on college and pniversity campuses to bring men together to work prevenung violence against women? That s the quesuon a growing number of college men and thetr allies are asking as they design creauve programs to challenge the masculine culture of viOlence _ From the University of Massachusetts m Vmce Male's hometown of Amherst, to Wes tern Woishington State University in Bellingham, e!Ions are under way to develop men' s
leadership in challenging violence against wom en. Many programs are operating with funding from th e federal Violence Against Wotn enAct.
Tufts University outside of Boston and Wes tern \\ashington were two of four schools (along with th e University of Alabama and No rthern Iowa State) which received technical assistance sup port las t school year to develop programs. Consultan ts included Men Overcoming Violence in San Francisco, colleagues of Voice Male's parent organization, the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachuse tts
Collaborations among staff and!or student teams including women's centers, campus police, alcohol/health ed ucation, culture centers, health services, and deans are pan of the larger Violence' Against Wom en grant Annual institutes bring panners from around the country to gatherings where participants sh are what they are doing.
The men against violence student group at Western 'Mlshington University in Bellingham can be exp1ored ,on the Web at: www.ac .wwu.edu/-wmav/. Their page of links inclu des Tufts Men Against Violen ce along with several o th er campus-based projects . . In Massachusetts , the Men's Initiative for J ane Doe , Inc. (MUD), a proj ect design ed to bring men from all walks of life together to ch?ll enge violence against women , has been reaching out to college anti-violence programs for ideas and recruits. '1\ fuir amount of work has been taking place o n campu ses like Tufts, UMass-Arnh erst, and Bridgewater State," according to MUD coordinator Craig Bohm . " It would be great if th ere were a model MUO help promote to other campuses. I have a feeling that there would be much interest among college men." To lea rn more about MUD , contac t them at: Jan e Doe , Inc , 14 Beaco n Stree t, Suite 507, Boston, MA 02108; 617-557-180 2 www.janedoe.org.,
Supporti ng Men in Greenfield
.The Men's Resource Center add ed ano th er free, weekly drop-in support gro,up, this one in Greenfield, Massach use tts "We're excited to be starring another group ," said Allan Arnaboldi, director of MRC Supp ort Programs ':Adding Gree nfield -to the list of groups we currently offer enlarges th e poss ibility that more men can have a plac e to come to share what's happ ening in their lives "
The new group will begin meeting in January on Wednesday evenings from 7 to 9 p.m. at Network ChiroprJctic, 21 Mohawk Trail Clower Main Stree t) in Greenfield
Following the same forma t as the existing support grou ps in Amherst an d Northampton, trained volunteer fac ilitators will provide opportuni ties for men to talk abo ut their lives and get support aroun d ongoing concerns. For more information abo ut th e new group or other MRC support se rvices, call tJ?e MRC at (4 13) 253-988 7
Psychology . Yesterday?
Is Psychology Today magazine . homophobic? That 's the question being asked after the pop ular publication was challenge d for accepting advertising from an anti-gay publishi ng house, InterVars ity Press. Their ad in th e December issu e pro motes th e book A Parent's Guide to Preventing Hom osexuality
Among those taking th e magazin e to task is Douglas Arey, a lice nsed social worker with off).ces in Northampton and Greenfield, Massachusetts. Arey told Voi ce Male h e , remi nd ed Psychology Today tha t "the psychological co mmunity has not considered homosexuality to be a problem in need of 'prevention' for close to 25 years. What it has cons idered a serious problem , however, has been the fear and lack of social acce ptan ce of homosexuality, a disease call ed 'homoph obia .' Clearly the authors of the book suffer from this
dis " ease . What , Ar_ey wonders , was Psychology Today thinking when it decided to help promote sud "socially and psychologically frresponsible literature? Did [they] corisider what harm it might be doing to gay and lesbian readers by promoting a book claiming to help 'prevent ' their very existence? Or that implied that their homosexuality was an illness?"
No response had been re ceived from Psychology Today when Voice Male went to press The magazine is expected to be monitored from now on to see if they accept future advertisements from anti-gay orgaruzations like NARTH (the National Association of Research and Therapy of Hom osexuality), whose found ers wrote A Parent 's Guide, or from o ther anti-gay publishing h ouses like ImerVarsity Press. As Arey noted , such acceptance "calls into question a seemingly new anti-scientific and anti-psychological, pro-conservative political di rectio n" Psychology Today seems to be taking. Meanwhile, th e suggestion has bee n made that if the ad does signal a new direction for the magazine, it might consid er changing it! name to Psyc hology Yesterday.
Masculinity Online
The Men's Bibliography, a comprehensive online bibliography of.wrt ting on men , masculinities , and sexualities has a new web address: l).ttp ://www.xyonline .ner/mensbiblio/, according to its founder, Australian Dr Michael Flood.
Not long ago the bibliography added 1,300 new references to the previous 12,500' references, including a numb er of excellent "masculinity" texts that were published in the last year, Flood said Addiqonally, a wide range of other articles and books have been added to the lists
Flood also maintains the website XYonline, which includes more than 80 articles on men , masculinities, and sexualities. You- can nnd it at http ://www xyonline net.
•
New Leaders for .MRC Board
Peter Jessop, president of Integrity Development and Construction in Amherst, Mass ., has taken up his new post as MRC board chair, succeeding Michael Dover, who stepped down after serving in that role for four years ,Thom Herman, a Northampton, Mass ., psychotherapist, continues as vice chair of the board , and Sudhakar Vamathevan, chief financial officer of FOR Community Services in Chicopee, Mass , has stepped inro the treasurer's job -vacated by Jessop : Dover has assumed the post of board clerk
"Peter brings a business owner's perspective to the issues we face as a growing organization, " said Dover "but he also has brought a lifetime of conscientious support of social justice and, in particular, of men's issues ."
Vamathevan joined the board two years ago, and has been an invaluable member of the MRC's finance commi ttee, according to executive di.i-ector Steven Botkin "S udhakar provides an outside professional's eye on our financial man<Jgement efforts, which is especially helpful in these difficult economic times," said Botkin. "He and Peter have helped us make so me hard decisions that make sure the MRC continues on a sound financial footing."
MRC board officers serve terms of two years
To how tO Qf!l lovot\'00 In et>u&e.
Sheila Wellstone's legacy
Sheila Wellstone was not just a "political wife." She was, among other things , a crusader against domestic violence, an advocate for battered women and their children, and an ac tivist on behalf of gun safery
The deaths in a plane crash on Octob er 26 of Minnesota sena tor Paul Wellstone , his wife Sheila !son Wellstone, and their daughter Marcia Markuson, three campaign workers and
the two pilots have not only changed the national political landscape , but deprived welfare mothers , battered women and their children , and other victims of violence of one of their most passionate and skilled advocates.
The la te Sen. Paul
Sheila Wellstone dropped out of college to pu t her husband through graduate school and , after he became a Carleton College professor, worked as a librarian and raised their thre e children. Wh en Pau l Wellston e won his ups et bid for the Senate in 1990, Sh eila was already a co mmitted spokesperson on many issues, and had won national recognition for h er work on domestic violence.
ln Minn eso ta, she worked to increase the numb er of battered women's she lters, and went herself to the opening of every new one. Through her advocacy, Minnesota put in place a first-in-th e-nation emergency one-stop call center for battered women to get help , a place to stay, and suppon
ln Washington ; Sh eila Wellstone worked closely not only with women involved in sexual assa ult and domestic violence, but also with
researchers on family violence and on the impact of violence on child witnesses. And she worked to get their research translated into federal programs One of these was the Family Violence Option waiver to the Welfare Reform Bill, which is now use d by 39 sta tes and Guam in dealing with victims of domestic violence
The sta tes can now waive federal rules regarding required work, time limits , and childsuppon coopera tion.
"It gives these women time to work on a safery plan--Dn putting her life and the lives of her children back togeth erwithout funh er risk of abuse," Wellstone said of th e legislation in 2001. At tha t time Senator Wellstone had also introduced th e Children Who Witn ess Domesti c Vtolence Protection Act, which would help finance scho ols to
witn esses to domestic violen ce, as well as strengthen resources for child-p rotection wo rkers, domesti c violence advocates, an d police respo nd ers That legislation is still pending in Congress .
Sheila and Paul Wellstone were instrumental in getting gun-safery language into the 1994 Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, banning gun sales to individuals who are under police restraining orders in dom estic violence cases . Federal prosecu tors used the law in late October to bring the initial charges against the all eged Washington sni per John Allen Muh am mad, whose ex-wife had told police she feared for her life and had gotten a restraining order against him. (He obtained a gun anyway.)
Uke her husband , Sheila Wellstone will be so rely missed, but it's another remind er th at while wom en may take the lead , men must
take a stand-speak out , educate themselves , and work against domestic violence and spousal abuse.
For more information , visit these websites : www stanribune .com/stories/1752/; www.senate. gov/ -wellston e/; www tubmanfamilyalliance .org/; womensen ews org
Men's Resource Center Staff Cited locally, Nationally
The Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program's intake coordinator Steve Trudel was named recipient of the 2002 Hampshire Counry (Mass ) Council of Social Agencies Recognition Award for distinguished service. Trudel, who leads several weekly Men Overcoming Violence groups, and works as a liaison in the couns, was cited for his skillful ap proach to working with men. "S teve embodies our vision of "supponing men and chall enging violen ce ," Russell Bradbury-Carlin, MOVE director said "We're fonunate to have him working in same many areas of the program · Meanwhile, Opra h fans got to watch a show in September called "Be a Man, " featuring a shon segment that included the MOVE program's Scott Girard telling his moving story of growth. (Anti-violence educator Jackson Katz was a primary guest.) "From appearances on 48 Hours to Oprah, and from Japan and Sweden to New Mexico and Nonhampton , it's been heane ning to see the recognition the MRC's work is getting," executive director Steven Botkin said "Our staff, board and volunteers are key to th e growth of the · organization . We're looking forward to funher growth as we mark our 20th anniversary all this year."
Februarv 9th, 1:00pm
Bowker Auditorium, UMass Amherst
The gender-bending KINSEY SICKS have been called "gut-wrenc hingl y funny" (The Advocate) and have been praised for their "v oices swe et as birdsong" (New Yo rk Times). They have been profiled on national tele v ision , including on 20/20 and "CBS Early Show with Bryant Gumbel ," and were the subjects of a lengthy cover feature in the arts section of the New York Times. N ow, this hilarious a cappella quartet is back on the road, servin g up a feast of music and comedy
Wei/stone and Sheila Wei/ston e work with children who were
Challenging Rape Culture
By Robert Jensen
It is not surprising that we want to separate ourselves from those who co mmit hideous crimes, to believe that the abominable things some people do are the result of something evil inside them.
But most of us also struggle with a gnawing feeling that however pathological those brutal criminals are , they are of us-pan of our world, shaped by our culture
Such is the case of Richard Marc Evonitz, a "sexually sadistic psychopath ," in the words of one expen, who abducted, raped, and killed girls in Virginia and elsewhere . What are the characteristics of a sexually sadistic psychopath? According to a former FBI profiler who has studied serial killers: 'i\ psychopath has no ability to feel remorse for their crimes. They tend to justify what they do as being OK for them. They have no appreciation for the humanity of their victims. They treat them like objects, not human beings ."
Such a person is, without question, cruel and inhuman But aspects of that description fit not only sexually sadistic psychopaths; slightly modified, it also describes much "normal" sex in our culture .
Look at mass-marketed pornography, with estimated sales of $10 billion a year in the United States; consumed primarily by men : It routinely depicts women as sexual objects whose sole function is to seX\lally satisfy men and whose own welfare is irrelevant as long as men are satisfied . Consider the $52-billion-a-year worldwide prostitution business: Though illegal in the United States (except in Nevada), that industry is grounded in the presumed right o£ men to gain sexual satisfaction with no concern for the physical and emotional costs to women and children ·
Or, simply listen to what heterosexual women so often say about their male sexual partners: He on!Y seems interested in his own pleasure. He isn 't emotionally engaged with me as a person He treats me like an object.
To point all this out is not to argue that all men are brutish animals or sexually sadistic psychopaths. Instead , these observations alen us to how sexual
predators are not mere aberrations in an otherwise healthy sexual culture
In the contemporary United States , men generally are trained in a variety of ways to view sex as the acquisition of pleasure by the taking of women. Sex is a sphere in which men are trained to see themselves as naturally , dominant and women as naturally passive Women are objectified and women's sexuality
Why Is Rape a Men;s Issue?
is turn ed into a commodity that can be bough t and sold . Sex becomes sexy because men are dominant and women are sub ordinate
Again, the argument is not that all men believe this or act this way, but that such ideas are prevalent in the culture, transmitted from adult men to boys through direct instruction and mod eling , by peer pressure among boys, and in mass media They were the lessons I learn ed growing up in the 1960s and '70s, and if anything such messages are more comm on and intense today.
The predictable result of this state of affairs
Because Men Rape. Ninety-nine percent of all reponed rapists are men (U.S. Depanm ent of]ustice) a
Because Men Experience Rape. One out of seven men will be sexually assaulted during their lifetime. (National Coalition Agairist Sexual Assault)
Because Rape ·Hurts All of Us. In a world where three out of four sexual assaults are acquaintance rapes, it 's hard for womeh to !:JUSt mew w In a world _ dominance and sexual predation are celebrated as positive masculinity, it's hard for men to be themselves ··· ,,·
Bec;ause Men Know Survivon. Chances are good that you already know survivors of rape If someone you care about discloses rape to you, you need to know how to help
Because Men Are the Ones Who Will End Rape. The women's movement has been working against rape for many year;; and experience and skilled leadership But men's violence against women will only end when men take responsibilio/ for the <if !lons and attitudes that make it 'possible. · •· ,,., "t.. · Take Action!.
is a culture in which sexualized violence, sexual violen ce, and violence-by-sex are so common that th ey sh ould be considered normal. Not normal in th e sense of h ealthy or preferred, but an expression of the sexual norms of the cultu re, not violations of th ose norms Rap e is illegal , but th e sexual ethic that underlies ra pe is woven in to the fabric of th e culture.
None of these observati ons exc use or justify sexual abuse. Although so me have argued that men are na tu rally sexually aggressive, feminists have long held tha t su ch behaviors are learn ed , which is why we nee d to focus not only on the individu al pa th ologies of those who cross the legal lin e and abuse, rape, and kill, but on th e entire culture.
Those who find this analysis ou trageous should consider th e resul ts of a s tu dy of sexual assault on U. S. college campuses. Researchers found that 4 7 percent of th e men who had raped said they expe cted to engage in a sim ilar assault in the future, and 88 percent of men who rep oned an assault that me t the legal definition of rape were adamant that they h ad not ra ped That suggests a culture in which many men cannot see forced sex as rape, and many have n o moral qu alms about engagi ng in such sexual activity on a regular basis.
Th e language men us e to describ e sex, espec ially wh en they are outsid e the company of women , is revealing. In locker roorns one rarely hears men as king about th e quali ty of their emotional and intim ate expe ri ences. Instead , the qu es tions are: "Did yo u get any last night7 " "Did yo u score?" "Did yo u £ her? " Men's dis cussions abm.i t sex often u se the language of p ower: control, do mination, the taking of pleasure.
\Vhen I was a teenager, I rememb er boys joking that an effective sexual s tra tegy wou ld be to drive a date to a remote area , rum off th e car engine , and say, "OK, f. or figh t. " I would not be surprised to hear that boys are still regaling each oth er with tha t ' j oke ."
So, yes , violent sexu al predators are monsters , but not monsters from an oth er planet. \Vhat we learn fro m th eir cases depends on how willing we are to loo k no t only into the fa ce of men such as Evoni rz , but also to lo ok into the mirror, h ones tly, and examine the ways we are n ot only different but , to some degree , th e sa me.
Such self-reflec ti on, individ ually and collectively, does n ot lea d to the co nclusion that all men are sexual predators or that nothing can be don e about it. Instead, it should lead us to think about h ow to resis t and change the sys tem in which we live. This feminist critiqu e is cru cia l no t only to th e liberation of women but for the h umani ty of men, which is so oft en defo rm ed by pa tria rchy. Solutions lie no t in the conserva tives' call for returning to some illusory "go lden age" of sexual morality, a sys tem tha t was also b uil t on the sub ordination of women. Th e task is to incorporate th e insights of feminism into a new sexual ethic that does not impose traditional, restrictive sexual no rm s on people
10 Things -Men Can Do to Stop Ra
pe
Know that language is powerful. Words that dehumanize women, frequently in a sexualized way, are common . \Vhen we describe someone as an object meant to be acted u pon , then discarded, it gets easier to treat her that way Use humane and respectful langu age. Challenge the people around you to do the same.
Communicate about sex We have a cultural myth that "good sex should be intuitive, " but the reality is that it is based on communication Consent can neverbe assumed We also have cultural pressures for men to "score," and myths that women really want to be forced Coercion and force are illegal. Get comfonable talking with, and listening to , your paitner "N o" means no ··
Speak out. You may or may not ever have the opponunity prevent a·rape progress However, you will have many, many opponunities to challenge the attitudes and behaviors that are pan of the rape culture \Vhen you see harassment, intervene When you h ear jokes ab out violence against women , don't laugh , and explain why it's not funny Write letters to magazines that promote images of women as dehu manized sex objects. Suppon laws that protec t women from violence and help them successfully prosecute their abusers Silenc e = Complicity.
Support survivors, listen to the women !n your life, and b'lieve them. than i: million women are raped in America each year One in three women will be st;XUaliy assa ulted , 40 percent before the age of 18 Chances are , you already have survivors of rape in yo ur life . Learn how to be supportive , know your local rape crisis centef where they can get re.So urces and help , and get suppon yourself. ' '·· Cl
Give your time. Volunteer for organizations working to end violence against women , Get funh er training on how to be an effective ally. Know that most rape crisis centers and com munity organizations are funded exclusively through grantS and Suppon , their work in whatever ways you can.
Talk with women. Find out what it feels like to live with the threat of rape eyery day fi nd out how they like to be supponed Ask what they would like to do to Rea lly lis ten .
Talk with men. Find, out how rape has impacted their lives Find out how much men. lose by be ing seen a:s potential rapists Find out what other men have to say a:bqut how to t change that reality Find out how to suppon male survivors of rnpe o.and ,sexual abuse. R,eally · · listen
Organize. Crea te a men's movement against male violence against women :·stan a: dialogue t group to examine cultural attitudes about rape , stan a men's anti-rape bring workshops and trainings into your school or workplace Check in with your local men' s center or women's center for resources and suppon , , ; •
Work against all forms of oppression. Violence against women ! sexism , racism, '"''' 1 t•·• h eterosexism, and homophobia all forms of oppression are linked. We cannot' end ·one ' without challenging them all. Challenge yourself to grow every day, and kn'bw that every prejudice we hold injures others and limits our experience ;. ·;t i· •• , · • J, n
Create a new 'masculinity. Be brave enough to openly ecfGruro/,\Jse you r strbgth ,) and privilege in the service of justice . live your potential without harming others: CeJebrate ,·A th e constructioN of a new masculinity that dqes not depend Ofl of oth ers. Find others who share your vision You 'are not alone · :;
-Co urtesy of the Everywoman's Center, UMass Amherst, (413) 545-08$ ; 24-hour hot lin e (413) 545-0800 or 1-888-337-0800 ·
but hel ps crea tes a world bas ed on equality, n ot do minance, in which men's pleasure does no t require women's sub ordination
Robert jen sen is a professor ofjournalism at the Univers ity of Texas at Au stin and coauthor of Porn ography: The Production and Co nsumpti on of In equality He can be reac hed at Jj en sen @u ts cc.u texa s. edu A version of this art icle appeared in The Free Lance-Star (Fredericks bu rg, Va.), last September.
Men Can Stop Rape
This Washington, D C.-based organization provides a range of programs and services to prevent sexual assault and el'(lpower men and young . men to lead safe and violence-free lives
P.O. Box 57144
Washington, DC 20037
Tel (202) 265.6530
Fax (202) 265.4362
E-mail: info@mencanstoprape.org
www.mencanstoprape.org
Men's Support Groups A Place Whe re Men Are Ac cep te
By Michael Burke
It's like a living room, or a den : comfortable sofas, chairs you sink into gratefully, artwork on the walls, even a fireplace (nonworking). The only way you'd know it's the 'group room in a men 's center are the signs you see as you come in that say "Men's Resource Center" and "Men's Group Tonight." This is where it happens : the MRC's drop-in support groups for men.
Th ere's a box of tissues-riotjust fo r those suffering from seasonal colds or allergies, but for men who need to cry. I've seen men cry in this room-l've cried in this room-and I've seen other men hold them, support them, cry with them . I've felt the s adness in this room as men b ecame suddenly silent with a shared sense of pain ; and I've seen them just as quickly erupt in laughter, as someone leavened the mom ent with humor Men are notorious for warding off "uncomfona ble" emotions with j okes ; but in this room, a t least, laughter coexists naturally with tears: acknowledgment of our humanity, and a defense against its sorrows
The adverrising says ':All Men Are Welcome." We ought to put that on a huge sign. Facilitators of the groups emphasize it when the evening stans, reminding participants of our four ground rules : 1) The group is confidential; 2) it 's nonviolent and d oesn' t condone violence; 3) it's nonjudgmental, not therapy, and not about "problem solving"; and 4) all men are welcome. We try to make it a place where m en feel invite d to come in and be themselves and get support.
Nonetheless, it can be hard for men to get here. Men have to ld u s that they sat in the window of the coffee shop across the street on meeting nights, looking over with longing and fe ar. So me sat th ere several weeks in a row before ge tting up the co u rage to cross that Rubicon-North Pleasant Street in Amherst-
and ente r. No doubt some never made it. Before my ftrst time, I actually waited fo r a bus to take me downtown, then bailed at the last minute When I did finally ge t to the group, I could hardly spea k the first night. "W!s it really OK to be h ones t, to say what I feel? Would they think I was "bad" or crazy if I to ld them who I really was?
It was OK, and they did n ' t. In fact what l most remember from those first few groups were the men wh o sat there nodding as I spoke, looking
me in the eye and smiling their und erstan ding . Especially the men who were some years older- whatever I might say, th ey' d been through it and lived to tell the tale . They had s urvived , and so would I. I wasn ' t crazy, I wasn't bad- and I wasn't alone anymore I remember coming o u t of a group one frigid February n igh t wh en I had to walk some distance to my car. Where before l' d trudged head down through ice and snow and cold, now I seemed on fire from within, floating across the parkin g lot , my breath visib le in th e air like a shout of exultation sent up to th e sky
For some men, it 's not getting to the group th at's h ard The support group, whatever night they go, has become essential to them , a weekly ritual. I've heard men batt4ng
depression say the only thing they man aged do that day was get to the group--a place where they knew they wouldn't be judged or shamed, where they'd b e heard. Men who have very busy lives often have difficulty extricating themselves from the demands and needs of children, partners , and bosses-but still they come, because they say the group is the only place where they can talk honesdy with other men about what's going on in lives with safety, knowing that whatever reveal will be kept confidentia l, that no adverse consequences at the office or back home And they also know they need to do this: something that's just for themselves.
Some men come nearly every week. They're the "regulars" : they know each other 's s tories from months of sitting and sharing. They check up on each other with questions: "How'd the job interview go?" "Did you find an apartment yet7" One of the guys came up to me after a group I'd fa cilita ted and very sincerely said h e thought I was a really good person and h e h oped I'd be fe eling better
soon l was puzzled-I hadn't been s icku ntil ! rem embered that in my chec k-in l shared that I'd b een feeling depresse d lately l' d left it at that, since l was facilitating the grou p and th ere were much more urgent iss u es and situations in the room to deal with that night But it touched me that this man heard m e, remembered , and took the time to reach out.
So m etimes there is conflict. Onc e a man cam e in and apologized to each of the men who' d been at the group the previous week. He ' d been hard on them, judgmental and critical-and he ' d been called on it-but after talking it over with a friend he realized he ' d been wrong He was truly sony, and the men accepted his apology. As he tried to explain what might have prompted him to lash out , they began to move from feeling wary and distrustful to wondering how they could support him .
We've asked participants what they were looking for in the group and what they get out of it. One said he wanted a place where he could "speak and listen from the heart ." Another told us that since attending, 'Tm more grounded , forthright. Less anxious a nd caught up in excessive inwardness . Sitting in a circle is one of the most soulful and important things l do." Another said, "''ve gotten connection , support for being human , a clearer sense of self. "
Partners and family members often encourage men to attend the support groups-though some may initially be concerned that the man might "air their dirty laundry" or "tell my story " Facilitators are rrained to guide men to talk about themselves, to use "!-statements," and to speak honesdy about their own feelings-not about what their partner or boss or child may be doing or thinking One of the facilitators who trained me used to say, "H e,tshe isn't in the room-we want to hear what you're feeling :
One participant 's partner said she'd encouraged him to get into a men's support group, and that the results had been "fantastic. " "I see how much the group helps him-peers, older men with similar or different issues understand , " she said "He 's not alone and not isolated-l'm delighted he 's still going." She also observed that since going to the groups , her partner had become "more relaxed," "less depressed and angry, " and showed "less frusrration with me because now he has a place to go and share and listen, [and
rea lizes] that I'm not the only person he can talk to."
I' ve h eard women say th ey wished the men in their lives wo u ld go to these kinds of support groups, but fea r "h e' ll never go." l understand their fru srra tion , and I've felt it myself with o th er m en who I wished would gi.ve the group a try But I've seen plenty of men co m e wh o I th ou gh t would nevq set foot in th e door So m e did n't re tu rn-it just wasn't for them, or they weren't ready yet to look deeply insid e themselves, to be emotionally honest with other menbut others have s taye d and be n e fit ed, even wh e n initially they were n ' t sure exacdy wh y th ey'd come. (And it 's not for s traight m e n o nly: Gay, b isexua l, and qu es tioning m en h ave fou nd deep co n nection and a place to be real in these gro u ps. So have m en who h ave expe rienced childhood ab u se or neglec t. )
I'm o n e of · those men who came and s tayed . 1 wa nt to say to m e n out there who h ave n't tried a m en's support group , if you even have the shred of a thought that you might ge t some thin g o ut of it, please come and ch eck it ou t. It 's sa fe It's confidential. All men are w elcome It' s a place where men are accepte d .
Michael Burke has been a Men's Resource Center volunteer support group ja ctiitator f or near!Y six y ears and ·is Voice Mal e's mana gi ng editor.
Looking t o Connect?
Try the MRC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS
IN NORTHAMPTON
Open to all men. Tuesdays, 6:45-8: 45 PM Co unc il on Aging, .240 Main St.
IN AMHERS T
Open to all men. Su ndays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC
- IN GREENFIEL D JIIQJj
Open to all men. Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropracti c, DHJones Bldg, Mohawk Trail
FOR GAY, BISEXUAL AND QUEmONING MEN
. Open to gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M .trans men, & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC
FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE
Open .to men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, em'otional, or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC
D BY TRAINED VOLU NTEERS
Straight Women, Gay Men: New Ways to Find Intimacy
By Allan Arnaboldi and Martha Henry
Remember Come-as-You-Are Parties?
Someone knocks on your door early in the morning, drags you away, and takes you to a place with other unkempt people to have fun People accept you with no makeup, less than perfec t hair, and clothes you _ wouldn't normally wear in public In other words , the fac;ade is down. You are exposed and appreciated for who you really are. This is how Allan , a gay man , and Marty, a ,straight woman-describe their friendship Not a fac;ade, but the real thing. What follows is an edited conversation between these two friends who are writing new rules about relationships.
Marty (Martha). We have been acquaintances for only a few months We met through an online course, "Raising and Educating Boys," and found through the course dialogue an openness, compassion, acceptance, and willingness to share experiences . I was dealing with a developing friendship with a gay man and was having rrouble decoding some of the interactions. When Allan revealed in the course that he was gay, I contacted him to see if he would be willing to discuss some of the issues I was experiencing Allan. I was tired of feeling "invisib le " and lamenting the absence of a significant other and of deeper, mutual connections with friends who were not available In Marty I found a warm, open individual who rruly wanted to know me and to connect through .sharing the emotionally and intellectually challenging journey in our day-to-day lives.
From the start, we realized how crucial communication is. E-mail allowed ongoing conversations to occur at convenient times, and provided the anonymity to .. delve deeper into subjects that might have been more difficult if we had talked in person. However, since we couldn't see each other, words said in ]est were sometimes misinterpreted.
Marty. We used phone conversations to work out many misperceptions and misunderstandings What both of us brought to our encounters was an openness to accept that what we thought we were reading might not, in fact, be what the other li.ad meant and to delay judgment -until an expla'nation was forthc oming by phone. This became especially critical when I was planning to visit Allan. I was picking up some distance in his e-mail conversations and was on the verge of
canceling the leg of my trip that would have included a four-day visit with him . I was searching for some reassurance in Allari's email that this risky (for me) situation was safe Allan. I think on some level , I didn ' t believe Marty was willing to go out of her way just to see me. Would she end up regretting the expense if we didn't relate as comfortably to-face? We ended up 'addressing th e issue head-on and clarifying what would make it · safer for both of us.
Marty.
At times life interferes with communication In my work I have constant access to e-mail and conduct most of my communication with clients through e-mail. This allows me to respond to Allan's messages instantly or to shoot off a thought to him as it occurs.
Allan. Though I am in my office a lot and have computer access at home , my day runs from morning to late at night due to my involvement in evening functions. When I get to my e-mail and find multiple messq.ges froin Marty, the desire to continue the virtual dialogue is there, but the energy to respond in a thoughtful , clear way often is not. -It took direct conversation about this to rrust that it was OK to not respond to each rrain of thought or every message .
Marty. Probably because of our experiencesAllan's coming out while h e was a teacher and my friendship with a gay man- early on the co nversation fo cused on interac tions betwe en straight women and gay men . As we dis cussed the iss ues in the context of my situation , th e co nvers ation often turned to how it was similar to or different from our developing friendship. It became evident that the depth of conversation we had was occurring becaus e of a similar background (teaching), similar passions (gender equity) , an d an openness and compassion for other people
So far, this doesn't sound mu ch diffe rent from a friendship between any two people: common interests, common pass ions , and an ability and willingn e5s to communicate and accept each other without judgment. However, the quality·in how these characteristics manifest defines the differen ce. Allan was abl e to ask the probing questi ons that had n ot been asked when I talked with straight friends This forced me to acknowl edge the issues I- was experiencing in my other friendship
Allan. I was dealing with trusting that someone was really "s eeing" me . With my his,tory and pattern s of having to be th e initiator of contacts and of
holding back on asserting triy needs, I was working to lower my barriers to friendship s, while seeking respec t for my appropriate boundary needs .
Marty. Examining personal issues is a risk ' with friends, much less with relative strangers. As we discuss ed intimate issues such as relationships with po tential partn ers and our own sexuality, Allan's feelings of invisibility as a middle-aged , gay man and my con tinuing -inability to d ecode messages for which I h ad no context, we deve lope d a sense of safe ty with each other. Itwf!S OK to admit vulnerability, and we acc epted each o ther as \ unique , valuable individuals. All issu es b eca me safe to discuss
Allan. Becaus e of the acceptance of each other 's situations and our willingness to "go
there" with each other, examine difficult issues, and suppon th e stages of growth and undersrancling we eac h were experiencing, the friendship quickly took on deep value and wo nh
Marty. I think this description more closely parallels th e friendships among women than
amo ng men or berween men and women. What many women crave from their male panners is just this kind of conversation , support, and "being there " that Allan's friendship provides me The
. clifferenc e is ' that Allan was acc ulturated as a
Allan . The sexual en ergy tha t I often experience when developing emotional intim acy with a gay man is not present to derail my growing relationship with Marty, who provides intelligence , hum or, and stimulating questi ons
So ciet y has no guidelines for straight women/gay men relationships.
We aren't bound by laws, cultural norms, or expectations. We realize that we are making the rules for this friendship as it grows.
straight male and cou ld also bring those perspectives to the conversa ti on He can see that my interpretation of so me situations is accurate for straight males , but not for gay ones
Allan My experience of living in both of these worlds provided the perspective not available · to Many from other friends I, on the other hand , was able to have an emotional intimacy tha t seemed to be lacking or limited in my male friendships, without the complications of sexual intimacy from Many's need , or from the jealousy of a panner on either side The willingness to challenge while supporting the other pers on provided an environment for rapid growth and understanding
Marty. Along with working through the issues , we soon found a growing affection·for each o ther I am sexually attracted to men who are bright, winy, and imellecrually challenging. This attraction emerged in relationship to Allan as it had with my other gay friend , but soo n I recognized that it was a common situation for other women in similar straight/gay relationships The acknowledgm ent of it as a common straight female response to gay men helped me understand my feelings in perspective and helped prevent them from interfering with the developing fri endship
Marty. I accuse Allan of spoiling me for other men I find in Allan unconditional acceptance, lack of the need to play the man/wom an game, stark honesty, co mpassionate co nfrontation , u nwavering loyalty, and a genuine desirefor my happiness
Allan. I don't seem to meet gay men who are open to the emotional intimacy that I have with Many We both have set the bar very high for our future relati onships .
Marty. The Come-as-You-Are Party continues as we re cognize that it is not our external fac;ade, but our uniqu e charac teristics that make th e friendship successful. Socie ty has no guidelines for straight women/gay men relationships We aren't bound by laws , cultural norms , or expectations. We realize that we are making the rules for this friendship as it grows . That gives us a freedom to explore and connect in new ways that bring the laughter, sorrow, love, and affection missing in other female/male friend ships
Alla n. We recognize that there are no "sho ulds" here and that this is a major factor in facilitating the speed and depth to which our fri endship develop ed We intend to nurture this relationship , nourish the places where it is unique, re cognize and honor its limits, and continue to examine ir, so as to und erstand its power
Allan Arnaboldi is th e MRC's director oj 1 support programs and ca n be reached at aarnab oldi @mens resou rcecenter org Martha Henry is an educational consultant and can be reached at m a henry-cons ulting@sbcglobal. net
Men and Depression
Opening :the· Doors: Struggling to Be M.e
By David Rider
My colleague Neil has recently undenaken the task of creating a full list of my office nicknames A sticky pad sits on my desk with the words "Dukie," "Scrubs," "Grasshopper," and "Lord Rockumus ." Also on that list is the word "Half-Empty," representative of my role in the organization as the pessimist, old gloom-a,nddoom, the one who groans while the others wax enthusiastic You know : Kafka, Dostoevsky, Eeyore The mopey lilliputian from Gulliver 's Travels.
I've been officially snuggling with depression for the last 12 years, although I could probably find its roots in the loss of a favorite blanket when I was four. Years of emotional and physical abuse from my peers, friends, role models, and enemies throughout elementary' and junior high school took its toll, and I gave up on pushing out when I began high school. Instead, I sucked everything in , trying to make myself as small as possible , out-of-the-way, invisible (something difficult to achieve as I grew to over six feet) Being myself ;:tlways felt threatening. Being myself continues to feel threatening.
With this inward gravitational pull, I pass by opportunities to introduce my real self to others, evading looks, giving one-word answers to questions from strangers , takirig books everywhere I go so I never have £0 lodk · up from my lap. Anything to avoid the-risk or threat of failure. But the missed chance .to : connect is a failure on its own. And with' the' I fai\ure ,of ga5sed opporturuty, I' have to 1, tionalize 'to myself why I didri t' an::.1!t.D;. ,'. , h '" l wli.y I up m'ore, to my cl0sest , frtends , most of whom have little 'knowledge 1 about my depression. _ .
The rationale that I fall back 'on is that I am more special than everyone, that I am more talented, more intelligent, more generous, and more sensitive than most everyone else I know. That I am a genius of some son, and that is why it is so difficult for me to connect with others To hmher this idea, I imagine that the inward gravitational pull has created somewhere inside of me a really intense hydrogen molecule, pulsating and spinning rapidly, full of David goodness. One day, to make up for all the lost opportunities, I shall explode this David goodness onto the world, and it will be understood why I never tried going out with new people , why I never worked on making small talk, and why I always tried to rum the question "How are :you?" back on the questioner.
I want to jump from this very unknown pei?on straight into someone famous and perfect, someone inscrutable I want to be <tble to walk into a room and hear other
people say "Cih, that 's David Rider." And then, unable to say anything negative , they walk up to me with a smile and a compliment about my latest painting or lec ture or protest speech. Which ' makes it difficult to write .that lecrure or paint that painting (or at least hint to anyone that I am doing such things)
This fame means that I am a known quality: ps:qple will appreciate who I am, far ..yide, talk i11 mcles My ·. ,Will laSt through time, giving me immonality. • I ;will have staying power, which we all know, in ,the end, is 'what man wants. , And yet, that doesn't feel right. What I want, irt ,the erid, is to be me : And what I fear more than anything else, what causes me such a ·great amount of anxiety and panic that I skipped a conference in june', is that I'm comfonable at avoiding failure, that to be me is tb avoid failure That I no longer have the capability of discovering who I am The need to please versus the·need to be is a struggle that has, in many ways, already been decided , and I sit here writing , thinking about the words that you are reading, wondering how you are reacting to this confession My therapist tells me that I am an expen reliefseeker: maybe this is my hidden talent . Do I want to know what you think about' this writing? Of course But I should also be able to sit with the fact that this is "I," David, and that it shou ldn't matter what yciu think.
And how am I using working for an organization like Men Can Stop Rape to funher my avoidance, and to increase the pressure of perfection? One would think that speaking in front of several hundred people at a national conference is definitely an opportunity to fail. But, to me, it allows me to
be famous while still superficial. I remember talking to people immediately after th e panel; I went back to giving very shon answers, holding back my thoughts or feelings on subjects. By my doing this, the people would know me for what was said to the audience as a whole, without knowing the deep er David , the one who can be criticized or censured . The work we do is great work But would I want to do this work if no one knew I was the one doing it? Would I want to make that famous deal: that the world could be changed but my identity would remain hidden? I don't have any easy answers
In being abused by my peers as a child , I was snuggling with masculinity. In not admitting my feelings of vulnerability, I was snuggling with masculinity And in coping with this vulnerability by desiring widespread fame , I am snuggling with mas culinity
And through it all, I am left with the question: who am I? An old friend used to laugh at me when I tried to ask this question, which makes me believe that th e questfon is unanswerable, that maybe I am worrying because I have the opportunity to worry about this question 1 that the question distracts from acrual being But then, after writing this : I have to go home alone on a metro train filled with people, all of whom are my greatest judges All of whom could be my biggest fans All of whom should just be people I coexist with in this world
The goal, really, is to share the hydrogen molecule without exploding it. To keep the molecule connected to others, not more imponant or less imponant than any other one This is how to end alienation and create social change. This is how one answers the question This is the snuggle I face, as I hear the metro doors open.
David Rider is Coordinator of National Programs for Men Can Stop Rape in Washington, D C. , a dry in which he continues his activism and edul:ation around prisons and prison reform , and looks to find ways to overcome his fear of dandng in public Men Can Stop Rape's website is www mencanstoprape.org.
A Femin ist Famil y
By Nanc y Gru ve r and Joe Ke lly
Editor's Note: This iss ue's "Fat hering" co lumn might be more aptly called "Parenting, " as it looks at how a father and a mother equally shared in th e rais ing of their now young adult daughters.
fter more than 23 years of marriage, we've been looking back on how we got this far (truly unimaginabl e at th e stan) and managed to crea te a working feminist family.
'J oe, I can't get the babies to sto p crying!" Nancy was on the phone, frantic. "I can' t do any more; I need you to come home "
Working a weekend evening shift alone at a shelter for battered women , Joe said, "I can' t come home I'm the only counselor here. "
"But you have to be he re . I need yo u h ere. I need help with the kids . We said we were go ing to share this ' "
"Honey, I have to s tay I'm the on ly one here; I have to answer the phone and the s hel ter's full tonight. It 's my job ."
This is just one example of th e confli cting n eeds that exerted pressure on our ea rly commitment to what's now some ti mes called "peer marriage." All through our pregna ncy,
"What am I su ppose d to do? They only ea t two ounces , then fa ll aslee p. Th en th e colic kicks in, they wake up and seem hu ngry But I can' t tell Help, I've never had kids befo re 1"
''A customer j us t walked in, honey. I'll be h ome by six. Try calling on e of our moth ers. "
We both co nsid ered ourselves feminists whe n we me t. We entered marriage with highmind ed principles and a commitm ent to living the partnership and its resp onsibilities equ ally. Tru e, our exec ution of those ideals was so metim es a bi t spo tty; J oe sp ent a tad more time wa tching the Ga me of th e We ek th an h e did vacuu mi ng Nat;Jcy worked in th e a bit more often than sh e tun ed up the 74 Gremlin.
We both consi de red ourselves feminist s,when we met.
We marr iage with pri nc iples and · a commitm ent to living the partnership and its respons ibilities equally.
we'd looked forward to our first child. But when Nancy's water broke th ree weeks early, we we)lt to the hospital-and discovere d we were having twins! Six h ours late r they were born. Daughters
Ufe became chaos while we trie d to piece back toge th er our carefully laid (and incredib ly naive) plans to evenly balance work, our individual pursuits, and the firs t kid singular.
We kept both our jobs (due to a combination of choice and necessity) . But with twins, we worked pan-time on opposi te sched ules Yes, one of us was almos t always home with the kids (and their colic, allergies , etc.), but most of the time, it was only one of us
Joe walked the Uoors alone wearing two Snugglis on his chest, frustrated that h e wasn' t a woman, with female-folklore traini ng and Xchromosome instinct to calm a ch ild . He 'd call Nancy at the store she managed
· But the n cam e the cru cible of parenting twins Or perh aps it was more of a vo lcano-filled with light and e)<ci tement , mystery and wamlth , fire and brims tone. It was in th e forge of raising these daug hters that we 'd prove whe ther feminist prin ciples or patria rch al practi ces wo ul d win out.
Even at their smallest , our litde wom en were amqzing peopl e. Uke every child, they were miracles in th ei r own lives and in ours Sti ll , fro m th e very stan, Nancy wan ted to be a person firs t and th en a mother.
Raising the se dau ghters woul'd prove whet her feminis t principles or patri ar cha l practi ces wou ld win out.
She' d always planned on a work life outside moth erh ood And wh en twins arrived, wi th their extrao rdinary demands, she still wanted to reach out towa rd other realms-an d she felt dee ply guilty about it. "These kids are so tiny and so needy; am I heartless and selfish to put my needs ahead of theirs? "
Meanwhile, Joe batded his own de mon , called Th e Provider. "Fathers provide Look at me, working pan-tim e at a lousy wage. Look at us, on food stamps with secondhand furni ture in a rat-hole apartment How can I be su ch an inad equa te provider to th ese beautifu l babies?"
There were so many times we felt tha t by ch oos ing to mee t our own very personal needs (tim e away from th e constandy nee dy babies for Nan cy, an d mo re time with th e babies for Joe) we were some how letting our kids down . We definitely kn ew we were Uouting the ro les defin ed for Mom and Dad by our cultu re. But we felt these n eeds so strongly tha t trying to ign ore them wou ld have been detrimen tal, and a was ted effort. As it turned out, we couldn 't have be en more wrong about the negative effec ts we th ought our "selfishness" might have Becau se wha t we got, by lis tening to our indivi du al h earts ' desires, was a family buil t on res pect for each person and a fam ily wh ere all four of us have the support to drea m our perso nal dream s and then try to live th em, howeve r wa cky or inconvenient they may se em at tim es
Th at's our defi nition of a feminist family.
Na ncy Gru ver and joe Kelly are the pa rents of twin da ughters, Nia Kelly and Mavis Gruver. Th ey f ounded New Moon: The Magazine for Girls and Th eir Dream s where Nan cy is publis her. joe is executive director of th e nati onal no nprofit Dads and Daughters (www.dadsan dda ughters.org) and autho r of a book by the sa me name (reviewed in the Fall2002 is sue ofVoice Male).
27 Pray Stre et- off Trian gle
V isit Our Ne w Amherst Site !
Yo, Boys: It's About Respect!
By Aviva Okun
As a 17-year-old woman, an activist and feminist with parents who hold the same values, I grew up hearing that men could change-that they could stop acting inappropriately toward women and treating women badly; that they could learn to empower women and break out of stereotypical gender roles I believe men can change too, but the fact is they haven't changed enough : at least not enough of them have changed, not yet.
I observe many different behaviors among my peers Many of these are negative behaviors, which adults often criticize and characterize as being specific to the teenage years . As I have discovered, though, many of these behaviors continue on into adulthood. If not corrected early, they can develop into patterns that can be destructive to oneself and those with whom one interacts.
What am I talking about? I'm talking about sexism I'm talking about men Boys Guys Dudes .
I'm talking about violence, name-calling, and degradation of women, domestic abuse, rape , sexist remarks, and the fear that these instill in women, ladies, sisters , chicks, babes, and girls. What you call yourself, or how others define you, doesn't matter here. The only thing that really matters is the fear And it 's got to stop.
Men make women afraid. That's what I'm talking about. They make me afraid. Passing a man on the street at night makes me afraid. The rapes that were reported at UMass three years ago still make me afraid The fact that so many other rapes go unreponed makes me afraid The fact that so many women live with men who treat them poorly--or worse, violently-and that these women have no power to stop the abuse makes me afraid.
I feel caught in a double standard. All the facts and statistics, and even my gut intuition tell me to fear men, but I don't want to. I believe that men are inherently good, kind, and humane and that they have been stereotyped as rapists, wife beaters, and sexual predators because of the small percentage of them who do these horrible things.
However, men do have the power in our society. That's an irrefutable, undeniable fact. And as the people with power, they can change these stereotypes and consequently make the world a safer place .for women.
So here's what I'm asking. Men: you have the power to stop this cycle of fear and violence. Do it. Stop it. And keep in mind that taking steps toward safety also means taking steps away from abuse, assault, and the mistreatment of women Challenge violence and aggression toward women wherever you see it. It comes in many forms and is often disguised as something as innocent as a joke or a passing comment . But these small incidences of sexism are what make this world an unsafe place for women. So be a role model for other men. Tell them their sexist jokes aren 't funny, that you don't appreciate hearing women being degraded. Avoid situations
where such talk may be going on. Or simply walk away from them. It's not always easy to intervene when this son of conversation occurs; it's difficult to do in the heat of the moment. You make yourself vulnerable to ridicule and aggrclsion directed at you for challenging it. But you've got to do it. Because the situation only gets worse when men cross lines of acceptable conduct and are not challenged or criticized for doing so. "
Men learn from boyhood that sexist behavior is acceptable, and that there are no ""' consequences for it. Then they grow up, ! become teenagers, and have girlfriends, friends who are girls, sisters, and female peers. And they think that it's acceptable to treat them as less than they are. To degrade them To call them narries'. To objectify them . To criticize them. To hit them. To rape them. To kill them. Ancl this is not acceptable! I won't stand for it And neither should anyone else.
But men are only pan of the problem. Women also need to change their perspective and their behavior Every time women complain, "Men don't listen, they're impossible," or men are pigs. I hate men," men want is sex," they are taking away men's opponunity to change, to improve, to make the world a safer place. Women are degrading men, saying that they aren't capable And as long as they keep saying and believing it, men won't be capable. Instead, women need to encourage men, empower them to make the world a safer place. Women need to be the ones who say, "I was at a parry and a man sat down with me and really listened and that felt great," or "My husband is so respectful of .me and I really appreciate it and I tell him so." These kinds of responses are what will truly help to motivate men.
Although I've bee11 referring to men and women, I also mean boys and girls, young people and teens. They need to get into the habit of treating each other with respect and taking responsibility for their actions and behaviors now
For example, boys need to become aware of how they interact with girls, especially in a group setting. Sexist remarks and stares and jokes are degrading to a girl's self-:esteem. Girls don't appreciate this type of behavior and my guess is that many boys who observe this type of behavior exhibited by their male peers aren't thrilled with it either Ignorance might be the excuse, but I think anyone with common
sense knows by high school to treat people nicely, and this means with respect and decency. Also, in a group setting, people may not feel comfortable speaking up for fear of criticism. So boys , next time you are in mixed company, think before you say something crude or inappropriate-you might be offending a friend.
Negative , derogatory behavior or speech makes girls feel unsafe We feel lost and unheard. Taking an active role as the whist!eblower for sexist conduct can be a helpful thing for your girl friends who may not feel safe to do it themselves. This can make a huge difference in the way girls . experience their high school social circles and .helps both sexes move toward interacting on a more meaningful level, to get beyond how people look and act , and to get to what they 're thinking .
Don' t misunderstand: I'm not saying all guys are bad people and treat girls like trash. I am saying that some do and that I don't like it. I would really appredate if other guys noticed this and did something about it-it would make high school a much cooler place to be.
I have hope that this cycle can be broken, and that young men and boys won't keep carrying sexist attitudes and behaviors into adulthood Hearing boys say, "Hey, that 's not cool, man," to their buddies , and hearing girls advocating for how they want to be treated fills me with optimism. But we all need to speak up: boys and men, women and girls. We need to stop peipetuating the old patterns , and work to make the world a safer place for all of us ,
Aviva Okun is a senior at Amherst Regional High School She is a contributor to ''The Edge, " the tern column in the Daily Hampshire Gazette (Northampton , Mass.), and has bern a feminist her entire life
-Relationship to Deceased: Partner!
B{Thomas Ziniti
By the time my partne r died on june 14, 2002, I'd gotten used to people misunderstanding ou r relationship
Early Onset Alzheimer 's Disease had aged Russ considerably beyond his years, al though to me he always retained the large facial features of an exceptionally good-looking man : and the forehead of a great philosopher.
"Don' t tell me!" a woman good-na turedly, but somewhat stridently, offered one day as sh e approach ed us in a \Mll-Man parking lot, "Father and son! Right?" Russ developed a lumb ering gait in his last years, and I've always walked that way Anyway, we looked alike; so I guess it was an understandable mistake for a stranger unused to considering a relationship beTWeen TWo men that was anything other than familial or platonic .
After Russ entered a nursing home , and later a hospital, we got the father and son question a lot. I always responded th e same way "He 's not my fa ther; h e's my partner." Then I'd watch my words register on the surprised faces of nurses and aides My quiet but determined declaration was almost always met with kindness, often warmth .
Once, though , an aide replied , "What kind of business were you in7 " 1, being for the moment as slow on_ th e up take as was she , stared blankly back, then when her meaning da\\'fled said , "Oh n o, no t business parmers, dom es tic parm ers." Sh e was visibly shake n , yet struggled to maintain a casual air, and stammered weakly, "Oh 1 know abo ut that. There 's some of that where I live." In a measured tone an d being careful to smile, I relied , "Yes There's a lot of that arou nd ." I supp ose I could have offered her some thing enlightening in place of knee-jerk conte mpt , but she struck me as decidedly unrecep ti ve and, besides, at the time 1 had more important things on my mind.
Hours after Russ died , I ru shed to a fun eral home with a close friend an d my minister. I explained Ru ss 's and my relationship to the funeral director (wh o, as it turned out, had once been Russ's •s tudent) and told him that 1 would be making all of the final decisions co ncerning Russ 's remains and the service His manner was personable and h e ap peared to take everything I told him in his stride . But when it came time to talk abo ut the ob itu ary, he first asked me if I wanted to be mentioned at all , then when 1 said yes asked (a lthough it s truc k me more like a sugges tion) did I want to be mentioned as Russ's "friend "? Perhaps 1 should have s topped h ere to consider that, even though 1 was clear with this man about what Russ and I had been to each other, he might still have been unsure as to whether or not I wanted to go public. Instead I repli ed emphatically that no, 1 didn' t want to be men ti oned as Russ's fri end ; I wante d to be mentioned as Russ 's partner of TWenty-eight years.
A spouse in my situatio n wo uld not be brought to the qu estion that now distracts me from my grtef: Wh o was that guy, anyway? \Y.l.5 he my fri end , my boyfriend, my pli.rtner,
my co mpanion , my lover? What was he to me?
1 like to refer to myself, facetiously, as a "pos t-Stonewall pansy" because I came out in th e very early seventies, a time before commitment ceremonies and same-sex marriages , when gay couples lived together
bravely as outlaws. In those days, those of us in relationships referred to our better halves as ou r lovers. I reminded a friend of that recently He said, "True, but that makes it sound like the relationship is all about sex." 1 had to agree, but later wondered why when 1realized that the literal meaning of the word laver is, simply, someon e in love
Therefore , 1 think it a great misfortune that Standard English usage propels the collective imagination directly into the bedrooms of gays, causing many heterosexuals to cringe a lot, and eve n some homosexuals to cringe a little To me, laver is not only the most comprehensive term, it 's the loftiest-although 1 admit it will probably never do for legally sanctioned relationships, such as civil unions.
I can just hear the official saying, "I now pronounce you lover and lover!" (If nothing else I suppose such a pronouncement would give new meaning to the expression "Until death do you pan .") A week or TWo later a cenified copy of a license to Love would arrive in the mail.
The first time I remember hearing the term partner, as it related to same-sex couples, was in the early nineties. Initially, at least, the word struck me not only as foreign but too palatable . It seemed to me at the time as though gays · were saying that heterosexuals might accept us if we 're partners, but never lovers
As for friends , sure, Russ and I were friends-best friends. But for me to claim friendship as the be-all-and-end-all of our relationship would be, finally, to deny us and betray him. All of the other terms I could conjure to describe what we had together ("companiort, " etc .) strike me as equally euphemistic, and fall sadly shon of the mark.
A week or so after the funeral , I opened a valise given to me by the funeral director which contained a guest book, TWo laminated copies of the obituary, some thank-you cards and six cenified copies of the death cenificate (the information for which I had provided to the funeral director, who in tum provided it to the
town clerk) The deathcenificate contains information about Russ , including his last address, the cause of his death, his parents' names , and even (because the law requires it) the name of a woman to whom he had been married for TWO years some thirty-TWo years ago. The document further indicates that she was his wife.
I am mentioned, too. At the bottom, the certificate reads, "Information provided by: Thomas Ziniti. Relationship to decease d : Friend."
With thanks to my friends inside and outside of the gay and lesbian community, who held me up with love during the most difficult time of my life , I am pleased to say that after the writing of this article and before its publication, I went to the town clerk and requested a change. The death ce rtificate now reads , "Information provided by: Thomas Ziniti. Relationship to deceased : Partner."
Thomas Ziniti is a spedal education aide at the Warwick (Mass.) Community School and newsletter and events coordinator for TH.E. Men's Program of the AIDS Project of Southern Vermont in Brattleboro
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The Legacy of Poverty and Racism ,
Men of Color's Fragile Health
Most men of color can expect a less healthy life than therr white counterparts, stemming primartly from society 's foot dragging at working to eliminate racism and poverty. While the diversity of the U.5. co ntinues to expand, rates of illness and death are significantly higher for men of color Compared to white men , the life expectancy for black men is seven years lower, and almost eight years lower for Native American men. Those are some of the conclusions found in two new rep orts by Community Voices : Hea lthCare for the Underserved
"Men of co lor are fa cing illness and dying at an alarmingly high rate," says Dr. Henrie Treadwe ll , program director at the W K Kellogg Foundation, which commissioned the study "We must reverse the l!l'end that keeps men of color from seeking and receiving much-n eeded h ealth services ."
"Nothing in the biological makeup of men of color explains th e remarkable gap between their health and white men's," says Treadwell, in What About Men? · Exploring the Inequiti es in Minority Men' s Health. "Instead, insidious social fa ctors , foremost racism, primarily are behind it. " Improper access to health care, poor education , and few jobs providing insurance are among the factors What About Men? outlines policy strategies to ove rcome obstacles facing men of color in accessing appropria te health care, including:
• Expanding priva te and public 'health insurance coverage for more men of color
• In creasing community-based screening se rvices , outreach programs, and health care case management
• Strengthening the tie between pediatric , adolescent , and adult care for men of color
• Building a culturally competent workforc e and expanding research and data collection on men of color
• Developing community coalitions of private and publi c health agencies and social service organiza ti ons to servt; men of color
• Developing national , state, and local policy agendas for the health of men of color.
"Me n are important in society, " says Hugh Price, president of the National Urban League "We mu s t remove the horrendous barriers to health care that threaten 'the lives of
our minority men " Community Voices has already begun · addressing some of these recommendations with the development of the nation's first full-service Men 's Health Center. Th e
primary care facility, located in Baltimore's Sandtown-Winchester community, provides health care at no charge to uninsured males , ages 19 to 64 The center was established in Aprtl ?tlOO in collaboration with the Baltimore City Health Department
The repon also suggests concerned family members should encourage their fath ers , sons, brothers, and husbands to seek care, and should help facilitate their entry into th e health system . Meanwhile, because men from racial and ethnic populations face such a high risk of hean disease , diabetes, HN/ AIDS , and other conditions and often lack access to basic care, they are now experiencing a health care crisis, according to another repon by Community Voices: ,HealthCare for the Underserved . . . ,. There is a growing urgency· to recognize and to · stem this crisis as the diversity of our nation continues to expand. Unless action is taken soon, the crisis, and attendant financial implications related to treating large numbers of men ·living in poveny, will grow
This report, A Poor Man 's Plight: Uncovering the Disparity in ,Men 's Health , examines the health status of Black, Hisp anic, Asian/Pacific Islander, Native American , and mixed-race men and identifies strategies that can reduce this alarming health gap. Authored by Dr. John Rich of the Boston Public Health Commission and Dr. Marguerite Ro of Columbia University, the repon finds that men of color are overall less likely to have health insurance and less likely to access health care services than their White counterparts Moreover, the repon finds, men of color disproportionately lack access to much-needed mental health, substance abuse, and oral health services . A Poor Man 's Plight also offers insight into health issues that adve is ely impact minority communities :
• On average , African Americans , Latinos, Native Americans , and Native Hawaiians are
nearly twice as likely to have diabetes as nonHispanic Whites of similar age
• HN/AIDS is the second leading caus e of death for Africim American men betwee n the ages of 25 and 44 and the third leading cause of death for Latino men in the same age·group
• Men of color suffer higher rates of preventable illness, such as sexually transmitted diseases. This particularly th e case for African American and Latino men , who have ra tes of gonorrhea , chlamydia, syphilis, and herpes infection that are higher than for other men of color and much higher than am ong White men
• In 1998 , men of color accounted for 70 percent of deaths by homicide in th,e U.S. Homicide is th e leading cause of dea th for African American men between the ages of 15 and 34 and the second leading cause of death for Latino men in th e same age group.
"Policymakers and health ca re providers fail to focus on how to combat the excessive and unacceptable levels of morbidity and mortality that plague the liv:es of poor men and men of color," says Dr. Treadwell of the Kellogg Foundation
"This rep ort acknowledges the historical, social , and political factors that have blocked access to care for men of color and provides us a road map to move forward in addressing the needs of this vulnerable population."
A Poor Man's Plight outlines policy strategies to overcome obstacles that men of color face in accessing appropriate health care These recommendations include: ·
• Expand health insurance coverage for men of color
• Establish enhanced points of enrry into health care for men of color
• Increase the availability of community-based sc reening and services for men of color and increase outreach to men of color
• Build a culturally competent workforce
Coming to America
The Tarnish on the Melting Pot
By Javed Kazi
Iwas born in Bangladesh, where my father worked for the American Embassy He never discussed with me any racial issues that he might have faced at work, but looking back I feel certain that he encountered racial prejudice Bangladesh was a British colony for 250 years , and we always considered the British to be a racist nation due to their oppression of our people
As for the United States, the images fed to people in Bangladesh show the white American personality to be almost always positive , without a hint of any racially prejudiced viewpoint. On the other hand , both blacks and Native Americans are usually portrayed through , negative images in American movies and television shows that make it to Bangladesh These were the conflicting-and confusingimages on my mind when our family came to the United States in 1985
I started 1Oth grade at Randolph High School in New jersey in September At that time , the school was about 97 percent white. But the very first day at school, during homeroom , I heard a white student say, 'This year there are too many colored students." Some of the other kids agreed , and the white teacher said in an agreeable tone of voice that although she would like to comment on this subject, she couldn' t because "I can't say what I would like to say because I am a teacher "
I thought that they were all talking about me, since I was the only nonwhite student in that classroom . But I said nothing and pretended not to hear Later I found out that the term "colored" usually refers to black Americans, though it can also refer to other nonwhite racial groups . I also learned that while in the previous year there had been four or five black students at Randolph, now there were eight to ten
The third day of school, while I was sitting in the cafeteria with five white students , another student carne over and said there was going to be a function at a local college that weekend. He looked at me and asked if I wanted to come , since there was going to be "free food ." It made me feel bad-did he think I was starving?-so I said no. I later realized that since I came from a developing counny, a number of white Americans held the stereotypical image that "we all live on U.S. aid, so we love anything that's free. "
A couple weeks later, my homeroom teacher mentioned to me that after retiring, she might consider going to India to teach "proper methods of living," as she put it. 10 her I imagine this statement meant she was going to "help the unfortunate ones " Even though I was from Bangladesh, not India , which she knew, I think in her mind "we're all the same. " When I told her later that I wanted to rerum to Bangladesh someday, hopefully getting a job with an American corporation like Citicorp that has divisions there, she told me dismissively, "That's what they all say "
we were playing basketball, a game I had never played before in my life
Once he called me "Gandhi" instead of my name : I
One of my white male gym teachers used to hold his hands together and bow when he would see me This is a Hindu gesture, but I am not a Hindu. He used to pick on me when
"Give
me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free" (as long as they're white)
actually complained to the head of the athletic deparrment about this incident, but all he said was "He shouldn't have done that." I never complained about any other racial harassment issues to anybody else in high school.
I remember being made fun of by students and even teachers My last name is Kazi, which to some students sounded like "Quasi" or Quasimodo, the Hunchback of Notre-Dame I just used to smile and pretend that none of this bothered me There were very few minority students at Randolph High , and I never discussed racial issues with them or questioned them about their own experience of discrimination. I was not sure how they would respond , or even if this was a proper topic of · conversation.
Once a white srudem asked me what my religion was and asked a Turkish student , sitting at the same table, the same question. When we both said "Islam, " the white student smiled and said , "Maybe you rwo potential terrorists can pray together" The Turkish student and I just smiled and made no comment, and never spoke-even to each other-about what the white student had said I once did a shon paper on terrorism, and had to give an oral repon to the class about my topic. When I said that my subject was terrorism, almost half the class laughed. To most white Americans, then as now, all Muslims were potential terrorists. From that point on , I stayed away from any topics that might be considered sensitive.
Still, I could not avoid being a target of prejudice and misunderstanding Once during PE, outside on the school playground , I told a white student that I had to go to the bathroom and hoped the teacher would end the class soon The student replied, "Why don't you just go to the comer and piss-your people do that. .. don't, they?" I told him, "I don' t," but I never tried to point out what a negative and stereotypical image this was, and I never told him that I did not appreciate the comment I thought it would be useless, I guess, and wouldn't change his mind anyway
When I first started school, I brought lunch from home, consisting of traditional Bangladeshi foods, and made by my mother One of my white lunchmates said that the food looked "like shit" and smelled "funny " I stopped bringing lunch after that. As time went on, I found myself conforming more and more to "what's right" according to the white students They made fun of my accent, and teased me for not being able to speak English properly, for not knowing American culture and what is "right" and "wrong" according to its rules There was litde or no allowance for mistakes, and they reminded me often of my second-class status
I went back to Bangladesh for a visit in the
summer of 1987, and after I returned to school and mentioned my trip to a white female classmate, she said , "I hope you've had all your shots, 'cause I don't want to catch any strange disease." I remember wanting to reply really badly-but then I th ought that it was my fa ult
for bringing up the subject. So once again I said nothing. But in my senior year, during a discussion of the Palestine issue, I remarked that America's foreign policy is not always goo d for its long-term relationship with th e Islami c · world One of the white students replied , "Why don't you go back, you un-American fucking foreigner7 " Since I was the only minority in that circle and the rest of the white students seemed to agree with him, I kept quiet.
Once a teacher asked me , ':Are your parents going to bring a bride for you after you graduate from high school? " I informed her that arranged marriages occur mainly in the villages in my country, not in the city, and that I am from Dhaka, the capital of Bangladesh But I never had the courage to tell anybody that it was just none of their business--which was my right. I always felt that the white American attitude of "It 's none of your damn business " seems never to apply to them when they are infringing on somebody else 's rights and probing-<>ften in total ignorance-into their (Continued on next page)
(Men & Health , continued from page 20)
• Expand research and data collection on the health of men of color
• Develop community coalitions of health, public health and social service providers who serve men of color
• Develop national, state , and local policy agendas for the health of men of color
"The current systems do a less than adequate job of marketing to men , particularly men of color," notes Dr. Treadwell "We are proud of the progress that Community Voices has made in this area ."
Thineen si tes make up the multi-year Community Voices national initiative supponed by the WK Kellogg Foundation The 13 communities are : Alameda County/Oakland, California ; Albuquerque , New Mexico; lngham County, Michigan; Baltimore, Maryland ; Sacramento , California ; Denver, Colorado; Detroit, Michigan; 8 Paso, Texas; Miami, Florida; Nonh Carolina; Nonhero Manhattan, New York; Washington, DC; and West Virginia .
For more information or to download a copy of the reports , visit the Policy Briefs section of the Community Voices web site at http ://www.communityvoices .org. To order a free copy of th e publications, calll-800-819-9997 and ask for item #476
(The Tarnish on the Melting Pot, cont. from page 21) culture; in high school. however, I generally felt it was not my place to criticize white American culture and values I'm in college now, and moving forward with my life, but I do not gopd from my high school days I wisH sometimes1 that I could go back, knowing what I kno\1( , ! , now, so that every time I faced comments, harassment, and oilier racia'll.y 1 • prejudicial situations, I could reply properly apd take some action-maybe even educate someone in the process . But even had I been able to do this , I'm not sure my actions would have been appreciated back then And in the current climate of fear and suspicion of foreigners, people of coloi; and especially Muslims--what would be the response today?
Javed Kazi is a student at The William Paterson · University of New jersey He lives in Morris Counry, N]. , and is movingforward with his life with a better understanding of himself and what it means to be an immigrant dtizen of the United States
If you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or they may have a problem with abuse Without help, it could get worse. 'At Men ' Overcoming Violence, men can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained 'staff. We can help before it's too late
OVE EN OVERCOMING VIOLENC E
Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield : (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994
ROCKY HILL CO HOUSING
Northampton
We will be a community of 28 clustered homes on 27 forested acres with a planned sledding hill and a pond. We'll share resources, community 1projects, and celebrations with our neighbors. We're building healthy, super-insulated homes at reasonable prices. Come join the community, and improve the quality of your life. Call Sharon: 413 584-9987 www.rockyhillcohousing.org
Each season 10,000 copies are mailed to subscribers and distributed in Western Mass., . Southern Vermo nt and Southern New Hampshire . To find out how to place an ad in VOICE MALE; call (413) 253-9887, Ext. 20 mens resourcecent er.org
PORT GROUP PROGRAMS
\i.en's Group- 7-9 p.m Sunday
J a t the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday .3:45-8:45 p m at the Council on 2.40 Main St., Northampton A facilitated dr c t' m group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.
• Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neglect - Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. 7-8:30 p m Friday evenings at the MRC.
• Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.
• GBQ Schmoozefest Events: Seasonal events with catered food , an and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond Furure
February 9 , April 13, June 1, 3-5 :30 p.m. at the Garden House, Look Park, Northampton, Mass
PROGRAMS
• A variety of resol,lrces are availableFather.s and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other father.s/father figures
YOUTH PROGRAMS
• RadioActive liluth (RAY): youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 F_M); third Monday each month at 5:30 p.m.
Young Men of Color Lpder.ship Project, Amher.st
Young Men's Leader.ship Development/Violence Prevention , · & Northampton
MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and courtmanda ted men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available.
• Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amh er.st, Athol, Wire, Springfield, and Greenfield.
• Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed th e basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amher.st.
• Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for parmers of men in the MOVE program.
• Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.
• Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available
• Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to h elp prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs
WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING
Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men ," "Building Men's Community, " and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available
PUBLICATIONS
• Voice Male : Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.
• Children, Lesbians, and Men : Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there ."
RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES
• Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities , and support programs for men.
Men's Resources
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men, see page 19)
The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient s uppon groups, nutritional supp lements, dressings and supplies , literature, low-cos t housing, and transponation
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, co nfidential HN/AIDS services, including suppon, cou nseling and volunteer opponunities.
Children 's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special ne eds adoption services . Counseling for individuals, families and ch ildren, with a play therapy room for working with children . Parent aid program for parents experiencing srress.
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St., Nonhampton. Doors ope n at 6 PM
Sex &love Addicts Anonymous (SlAA) (800) 749-68 79 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues
Education and suppon services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Suppon group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month Ann Henry- (413) 58 4-6599 .
Fathers
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns:
Looking for a lawyer? call your state bar association lawyer referral agency ln Massachusetts the number is 1-800-3926164. Here are some websites that may be of use to you:
www.acfc org * www.fathering org www.dadscan org www divorcedfathercom www.fatherhoodproject.org www.dadsrights.org ** (not www.dadsrights.com) www fathers com www fatherhood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com * www.divorcewizards.com * www geociti es.co m/H eanland!Meadows/ 1259/ links.hun * www. mens tuff. orglframeindex hun! (Fath ersrufl)
*good resource
**s rrongly recommended
At Home Dad: www parentsplace com/readroom/athomedad
The Fathers Resource Center: www slowlane.com/frc
National Fatherhood Initiative: www cyfc umn edu/Fathemet
The Fatherhood Project: www fatherhoodproject org
Internet Resources
Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www mensresourcecenterorg
The Men's Bibliography: The Men's Bibliography has had to move addresses . As you may !mow, The Men's Bibliography is a comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men , masculinities and sexualities
You can now find the bibliography at: http ://www xyonline net/mensbiblio/
XY magazine: http ://www.anu edu au/ -a112465/XY/ xyf.hun
Pro-feminist men's FAQ: http ://www.anu .edu .au/ -a112465/pffaq .html
Pro-feminist men's mall list: http://www.anu.edu .au/ -all2465/profem.hunl
Violence statistics: http ://www.anu edu au/ -a1l2465/vstats hunl
Homophobia and masculinities among young men (lessons In becoming a straight man): http ://online. anu .e du .au/ -a1l2 465/homophobia hunl
National Men's Resource Center www.mensruff.org
National calendar of events , directory of men 's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships
The ·Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/ pub/ men!mdex hunl
100 Black Men, Inc.: www. 100bm .org
Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.hun
Pro-feminist mailing list: http ://coombs .anu .edu .au/-gorkin / profem hunl
Magazines
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co uk/achilles(Issues.hunl
XY: men, sex politics (from Australia): http ://coombs.anu edu.au/-gorkin/XY /xyinrro .htm
Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs. utk.edu/'- banley/other/ rea!Men .hun\
The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www mrpp org/mtro hunl
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www geocities com/Capita!Hill/1139 / quitpom hunl
Volunteers Needed
AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS Men are especially needed
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County
We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.
Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, promote safe sex practices, and rally suppon for pro-choice legislation at various events
Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work , special projects, etc . Flexible schedules .
f7 Robert Mazer
Baystate 's Generosity
Baystate Health System has again graciously donated printing of20,000 of our MOVE ourreach cards, which MRC staff and countless volunteers have distributed throughout Franklin, Hampshire, and Hampden Counties We are deeply grateful for the vision and suppon of Suzanne · Hendery, Baystate's director of marketing, and for JeffWickles and the workers at Baystate's print shop , without whose help this project couldn' t have reached so many who need it.
Saturday, january 11
Nonhampton, Massachu se tts
Tenth Year Anniversary of She rry and Cedric Commemorq.te the tenth anniversa ry of th e deaths of Sherry Monon and h er two yea r old son , Cedric, murdered by th e boy's fath er An opportunity to remember th eir lives and to recommit to workirig to prevent domestic violen ce. Candle light vigil and sho n walk · Speakers at th e 5-7 p m service will includ e Sherry's sister and h er moth er, Yoke Kate , Norrhampton Mayor Mary Claire Higgins, and Men's Res ource Center execu tive directo r, Steven Botkin Location First Chu rch es, Main Street Information: (41 3) 535-9035 or (413) 586-8870 .
Wed nesday, january 15
Wellesley, Massachuse tts
' Evolving Gender Issues in Edu cation
Join an ongoing conversation on ge nder iss ues in our Followin g a keynote, 'T h e Contradiction Between Adolesce nt Sexuali t;y and Abstinence Only Sex Edu catio n Policies ," in-depth workshops will all ow for focused discussions on a range of topics fro m education equity and diversity to add ressi ng gender violence . Locati on : Wellesley College, Welles ley Centers for Women, 10 6 Central Street, Welles ley, Mass Information : (781) 283-2506 ; hmatth ew@well es ley.ed u .
Fri day, ja n ua ry 17
Chicopee, Massa chus etts
Leg islative Reception
Mee t legislators from Hampd en , Hampshire, Franklin and Berkshire counties to d iscuss human service funding in th e new Massachusetts 's ta te budge t Co n ti nen tal breakfast fare Location : Knigh ts of Columbus-Fairview "Cas tle of Knights ," 1599 Memorial Drive , Chicopee. $7 per person Pre-registration required Information : (4 13) 737-2691 Ext 11 5.
Sa turday, February 1 - Sunday, February 2
Amherst , Massachusetts
GO Basketball Tournament
Everyone is invited to this co mmu nity celebration organized by the MRC and other community groups that will incl ud e the baske tball tournament as we ll as mu sic, a fair, and a banquet Information : contact Edgar Cancel at 253 -9887. Ext 3 4
Sund ay, Fe brua ry 9
Nonha mpton, Massachusetts
Wi nt er Schmooze Fest
Schmooze with gay men and other men who love men in an afternoon featuring catered food, original an, great socializing and ne tworking with others from Springfield to Brattleboro and beyond! Location : Garden House at Look Park , Norrhampton Ti ckets : $10 in advance; $12 at the door Reduced ticket price available Information : (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10; aarnab oldi@ mensresourcecenterorg
S unday, March 2
· Amhers t , Massachusetts Gende r an d Class
fn this day-lorig workshop, co-led by the Men's Resource Center and Class Action, we Will break th e societal taboo about talking ab out money and class (sometimes stronger than talking about sex) . DrawiRg on our pers onal expe ri ences, we will explore the intersec tions of ge nd er and class, so that we can fr ee ourselves of the lirnitations of both our class and gender ro les This workshop is open to peop le of all genders. · Information: contact Steven Botkin (41 3) 253-9887 ext33 ; or Felice Yeske! at 545-4824
Thursda)', March 6 - Fri day, March 7
Marlboro, Massachuse tts
4th Annual New England
Fathering Confer en ce
"Our Ch allenge: Id en tifying Gaps, Building Bridges," Cut ting-edge gath ering exp lores the new face of fa th erhoo d . J oin oth er educa tors, fam ily service providers, social workers, psych otherap is ts , program directors, and engaged fa thers. Loca tion : Royal Plaza Ho tel an d Co nference Center Info rmat ion : Tony Palomb a, For Fathering Project, Th e Medical Fo un dation , (61 7) 45 1-0049 ext 285; tpalomba@ rrnfnet org
Friday, May 2 - Saturday, May 3
Cambridge, Massachusetts
Unders tanding Boys and Men
Learn lates t thinking b n th e develo pm ent of boys an d men with an emphasis on psyc h ological, sociologi cal , edu cational and biological issu es. Topics to include: emotions, spiritu ality, violence , sp o!tS , fath er-so n , malefe male, ma le-male relationships. Intend ed fo r men tal hea lth pro fessionals , edu ca tors, clergy and others co ncerned with boys and men
Confere nce direc ted by : William S. Pollack, Ph D and J udy Reiner Pla tt , Ed .D 'Location : Royal Sonesta Hotel. Information : Ca mbridge Hospital Pro fessional Services , P.O Box 398075-lnman Squ are, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 503-3 460; (Fail (6 17) 503-3462. Email:cme@c hallian ce.org.
Right about now you ·might be in te re sted in emergency contraception .
1- 888-N OT-2 - LATE
If your co ht rac epti o n fails, you can still prevent preg nancy Used within 72 hours after sex, emerge nc y contr a cep t ion substantial ly reduces your risk o f pre g nancy It is safe and ea sy to us e Ask yo ur hea lth care provider or call 1-8 88- NOT-2-LATE fo r infor ma ti o n a nd . a list of loca l prov iders . Re pr oduc t ive Healt h Techno l og i es P r o j ec t • http: // opr princ e to n edu / ec
May 9-11 , 2 003
Bangor, Pennsylvania
Leaping Upon the Mountains: A Men 's Abuse Recovery Weekend
Led by Mike Lew, M Ed , and Tho rn Harrigan , L.l. C.S .W , ofT h e Next Step Counseling in Broo kline, Massac hu se tts , this we eke n d wo rks h op for non-offe nding adult male survivors of sexual child abu se, rap e, p hysical violen ce , emotional abus e, aba n donment and!or neglec t, offers a safe, encouraging, powerful environm ent of share d healing The wee kend will provide opportunities to engage m a va riety of h ealing activities , including shari ng of sto ri es, writing exe rcises , ange r wo rk and other emotional exp ress ion , small group discuss ion , shared crea tivi ty, relaxation and (yes, even) fun rf th ere are sufficient num bers and interes t, th e workshop will include a special track for su rvi vors of abuse by clergy This eve nt is for men wh o are ac tively engaged in recovery wo rk; it is n ot a subs tirute for therapy. A letter of reco mm endation from a therap is t must acco mpany the registration form/d epos it. The regis trati on deadlin e for this event is April 25 th , but s paces are limited, an d this workshop often has a waiting list , so try to regis ter early to ens ure yo ur place
Information and Registration: 7 PM Friday dinner through Sun day lunch : $295 ($150 regis tration depos it). Send to : Kirkridge Conferen ce and Retreat Center, 249 5 Fox Gap Road , Bangor, PA (61 0) 588- 1793; kirkridge@ fas t.n et.
The Power of Positive Eating
Bread & Circus
WHOLE FOODS MARKET
Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA 413-586-9932
Hours: Monday- Sunday: 9am - 9Pm
GO BASK ETBALL TOURNAM ENT
A CELEBRATION O F MEN AND YOUNG MEN
February 1-2, 2003