Voice Male | Winter 2001

• Am I Gay, or ?

• Porn , Powe r and Priva cy

• Men 's Work in Mexico

• Rites of Pass age in Nevada

• New: Voices of You th Column

From the Editor By Rob Okun

Listening to Youth

ctivism and social change awareness among young men and women is a growng force on a number of political and cultural fronts High school and college students , graduates , and workers in their twenties are engaged in a range of progressive activities the size and scope of which hasn't been seen since, dare I say it, the 1960s

Wherever I turn the voices of youth are coming through, an insistent, clarion call. Simultaneously shrill and melodic, their varied critiques about the global state of affairs are becoming harder to ignore (even as a complacent, baby boomer-dominated media tries to downplay its impact). On the gender front, a growing number of young men are finding themselves drawn to a male positive, profeminist, gay affirmative, racially inclusive brand of mens work simpatico with the vision of this magazine and its sponsor, the Mens Resource Center.

Consider these scenes : I was on a panel recently with others working for gender justice · at an Intro to Women's Studies class at the University of Massachusetts. There were upwards of 150 students engaged in a spirited conversation about violence against women and mens role in preventing it. Afterwards, chatting with a cluster of both female and male students , I listened as sophisticated connections between power and control and abuse and violence-in both a local and global context-were being made. These are activist allies , I thought , whose perspective about women and men's roles is, perhaps, freer from the yoke of traditional masculinity and femininity than in any generation heretofore. Indeed, the MRCs youth-organized Activist Mens NeMork (an outgrowth of our Socially Active Youth program) is one stirring example.

Days later I spent a morning with about two dozen women and men in their forties and fifties concerned, like me, with keeping their activism vital at a life stage where the demands of work and family (ranging from college tuition to caring for aging parents) conspire to limit coordinated, effective response to pressing social ills. As person after person went around the circle describing his or her background, a common theme began to emerge: we wanted to find ways to support the burgeoning movements our sons and daughters and their friends are engaged in-from being support people at demonstrations they organize to (if requested!) offering our perspective after many years of political activism. &fore we left the gathering, our "assignment," before we meet again, was to speak with our children over the holidays about their political perspective and social actions, and how we could support them as change agents.

Over Thanksgiving when my stepdaughters came home for the long weekend, they brought three friends with them, all studying at Antioch College A fourth, at Brown University. was also part of our extended weekend family. The conversations, from describing to our teenage daughter and son the evolution of Antiochs groundbreaking sexual harassment policy. to the exploitation of children in India's tourist indus-

try-part of a documentary film-inprogress, some scenes for which were shot in our living room- t; ensured a spirited political discourse . From :§:<> analyzing comic/social l.:l critic Richard Pryors biting humor to critiquing the medias blind spots in presidential election coverage, it is clear younger adults have plenty to say. In the days ahead it will serve all of us well to listen.

With this issue, we are beginning to listen. A new column, Voices dfYouth, debuts (page 15), a regular feature we hope will challenge and inspire. It will feature a range of young writers beginning with Doug Ginns call-"GettiRg Out of the Box" of traditional masculinity. In Fathering (page 14), new contributor Vernon McClean offers "Tears·of a Black Father," a moving essay on racism's (in) human face. Outlines columnist Michael Greenebaum tackles "Asking the Big Question" (page 16), a look at what the "questioning" label means in the Mens Resource Center's Gay/BisexuaVQuestioning mens group. More questions can be found in Michael Dovers musings, "Whose Masculinity Is It, (page 8), a critique of mainstream cultures definition of masculinity, contrasted with rarely acknowledged gentle men like his Uncle Abe. Managing Editor Michael Burke recalls what was an unplanned turning point in his life in "Fathers and Sons: Rites of Passage in Nevada" (page 10), much more than an account of a family camping trip a quarter century ago. Russell Bradbury-Carlin offers an important analysis of pornography and the Internet in "Porn, Power, and Privacy" (page 12), an underreported development bearing special scrutiny. In "Coming Home in a New Way." (page 19), Voice Males international correspondent, Juan Carlos Arean, reports on the substantial profeminist mens movement afoot in his native Mexico. (Be on the lookout for his report on teaching batterers' intervention skills in Siberia in the Spring issue!) Closer to home, Carl Erikson reviews the compendium Men Like Us: The GMHC Complete Guide to Gay Men's Sexual, Physical, and Emotional Well-Being (page 18), and Richard Hoffman looks at Leaping upon the Mountains: Men Proclaiming Victory over Sexual Child Abuse (page 21), Mike Lews longawaited new book. In Notes from Survivors (page 20), psychotherapist Sam Femiano discusses the therapeutic value of letter writing; and in Men & Health (page 21) , Joe Zoske decries the competition ' for health dollars to fund womens and men's health advocating support for both. As always, we welcome your voice io these pages. Email or send a letter to the editor; suggest a

(or write one yourself!). May

and yours

Administrative Staff

Executive Director- Steven Botkin

Associate Director- Rob Dkun

Development Director- Paul En/is

Business Manager - Carl Erikson

Office Manager - George Moonlight Davis

Men Overcoming VIolence

Directors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinotf

Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin

Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinotf

Group Leaders - Juan Carlos Arean, Scoff Girard, Dave Gott. Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Gary Newcomb, Rob Dkun, Steve Trudel, Dan Williamson

Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel

Partner Outreach Counselor - Mary Dupont Brandt Franklin County Coordinator - Joy K;wbin

Youth Programs

Youth .Dialogue Project

Doug Ginn, Mark Ribble

Hampden County Programs

Director - Juan Carlos Arean

Voice Male

Editor - Rob Dkun

Managing Editor - Michael Burke

Senior Editor - Steven Botkin

Productipn - Mark Bergeron

Copy Editors -Michael Dover, Maurice Posada

Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean

Board of Directors

Chair - Michael Dover

Vice-Chair - Thom Herman

Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop

Members ·Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, 1Y Joubert Yoko Kato, Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart

Editor's Note

The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff. board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor, articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope Send to: Editor, Voice Male. c/o the Men's Resource Center.

Membership

The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees for services Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence Annual subscription and membership is $25 Send to-MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. MA 011XJ2

Advertising

For rates and deadlines call Voice Male·Advertising at 413-253-9881.

Becoming an Anti-Racist Men's Resource Center

"In our goals to support men, develop mens leadership, and challenge all forms of violence and oppression, the MRC recognizes that the experiences of men vary, depending on their identities and the com munities in which they participate. When we look around our table, we notice who is absen(, and we are bothered by what we see. Recognizing ihat men are divided along lines of difference , such as ,race, class , and sexual orientation, we know that we must chall enge these social divisions.

"If we are to succeed in nurturing the development of an inclusive and representative mens center, developing an anti-racist perspective offers us a way to focus our efforts to confront all forms of oppression, which we know are interconnected. In this way, antiracism helps us begin to cross the lines of difference, which separate men from each other Learning together to challenge and interrupt racism gives us insight into other forces dividing men , including classism, heterosexism, and homophobia.

"Naming racism as a major obstacle to the continued health of the MRC, and to the creation of the kind of society we envision, serves as a way to reject the polarization among men and in the larger society Heightening our commitment to anti-racism within the MRC helps us build a truly multicultural community, one that speaks to the experience and needs of all people Beco ming an anti-racist organization is not an easy task, but it is one of the most important processes we can undertake in order to make real our co llective vision." -Excerpted from 'Why We Need an Anti-Racist Mens Resource Center" by john Raible , community member of the MRC AntiRacism Committee

The Mens Resource Center was founded in the early 1980s by a group of white, college-educated men in their twenties and thirties with a primary focus on how sexism and traditional masculinity were oppressive to women and damaging to men. Our social world was composed mostly of people with similar social backgrounds However, because of ou r unwillingness to fit into masculine stereotypes, we often felt marginalized, invisible, and isolated So we set out, with passion and commitment, to create an organization , a community, and a culture that would challenge sexism and provide connection, support, and empowerment for men like ourselves

While it is obvious that we have made great stride§ in this direction, it is also painfully clear that the limitations of our awareness and experience produced a mens center that some men m!lrginalized , invisible and isolated. Fdr example , a recent review of the entire history of this magazine ((rom 1982 to the present, in its various incarnations) demonstrated that our occasional efforts to engage in "outreach" activities for men of co lor have failed to generate any ongoing organized connection with or presence of these communities at the MRC.

This is no longer acceptable! Connection. support, and empowerment for men of color are essential to the mission of this organization , and we are growing in our passion, determination, and commitment to accomplish this goal. At every

level of the organization we are increasing our attention to anti-racism and racial inclusion. Examples include :

• an anti-racism committee, composed of board, staff, and community members, to evaluate , monitor, and guide these efforts;

• regular multicultural staff meetings to bring dynamics of cultural difference ; stereotypes, prejudices, and mistreatment into greater consciousness;

• a full-day anti-racism retreat for board and staff to deepen our dialogue and engage in strategic planning on this issue ;

• a people-of-color focus group to provide feedback and suggestions for our strategic plan.

Of course, as founder and executive director, ' engaging in this process has meant recognizing some of the limitations of my own leadership (Ouch!). I encounter my blind spots; my sense of balance is challenged. I don't want to be implicated in perpetuating the marginalization, invisibility, and isolation of some men I struggle with my own privilege, which enables me to get away with this. I feel overwhelmed by the amount that needs to be done both inside and outside the MRC. I think it is up to me to figure it out, and I am afraid that I will not do it right. I am afraid it is too late. I face the fear of losing my sense of safety and focus.

And yet, out of this process emerging a deeper understanding of how we can more fully realize the vision of the Mens Resource Center (see page 4). We are expanding our ability to recognize and name the manifestations of white privilege and power within the MRC and our society We are developing the confidence and clarity to describe ourselves as an anti-racist organization We are identifying strategic directions and goals to make this true. And, perhaps most important of all , as we deepen our with people of color in our community, the "we" o[ the Mens Resource Center is slowly changing I am profoundly grateful for this journey, and for all of you who are supp'orting the MRC in it. As we move into this exciting next stage, I am experiencing the truth of john Raibles beautiful words coming to life The growth of personal and organiza tional integrity, the renewed passion , determina:tion and commitment, the expanded relationships increase our ability "to cross the lines of difference, which separate men from each other give us insight into other forces dividing men, including cla5sism , heterosexism, and homophobia, .. [and] help us build a truly multicultural community Becoming an anti-racist organization is not an easy task, but it is one of the most important processes we can undertake in order to make real our wllective vision ."

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU

Write u s! Plea se se nd typewritte n , d oub le -spaced le tters to: VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX u s at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@vali net.c o m ; include ad dress and phone Letters m ay be e dited for clarity and length. Deadline for the Spring 2001 Issue is january 31, 2001.

Gender and "The Proper Label"

I want to address Steven Bo tkin !> recent Voice Male sharing, "Mak ing Room for Feeling: Building Community, Transforming Culture " (Direc tor's Voice, Fall2000 ), but not b ecause I don't see those thre e lifelong ac tivist goals as pivotal to effecting change . I know the co lumn couldn't deal with everything at once and ne eded t o engage like-minded people to support the work o f the MRC. But I need to challenge its underlying, unexamined, activist conformity to bipolar sexual thinking when it refe rs parenthetically to a base assumption that there are (o nly) "wo men and men ." You don 't believe "m en " are primarily d efine d by how they contrast to "women," d o you? There are vas t spaces between thos e sexual pole definitions and we inhabit thos e spaces in fracta lly increasing numbers.

The lesbian community, more than the transsexuals , who know they have to forge · their own sexual se lf-definition s and be fully satisfi ed with what they have constructed, seeks to delineate the spaces b etwe en the approved polarities of sexuality with h el pful labels. They have invented and promulgated basic personality definitions for the enlightened hi-thinking mind , descriptors that partner bi-p olar gender role person ae of unexp ected juxtaposition. Secondary ties of importance in the lesbian le xico n are the labels femme and butch. As subs ets, you can envision boy-girls and girl-boys, women-girls and girl-women. But lesbian culture also includes acceptable labels thoroughly associated with one or another of the polarities , like lip stick, diesel, bulldy ke A sampling of distinct categories includes trannie boys , dyke boys , transwomyn , F2M's (not M2F!>-the Michigan Women's Music Festival wouldn't let them in! ), boyz, andros , boychicks , drag kings, bois, die se l dyk es , mascu line women, girlfags. They call them Gender Outlaws

We could add boy-m en and man -boys Gay men are more fashion conscio u s, m o re wanting to blend in, definitely less activist, clinging to their m asc uline privileges of cultural whiteness Their labels tend to be more like twink, queen , whore , studmuJJin, and including butl:h and femme Gay men!> labels tend to describe sexual practices rather than gender characteristics . All of the above context describes Self · and Other definitions of gender which may or may not correspond wi th actual organs Fo.r me , living with people who have made transgendered choices has caused the whole

other bi-polar single-word lab eling area defining sexual orienta ti on to b ecome meaningless as well Heterosexuality (sexuall y relating with you r polar opposite witho ut exa mining your ge nder definitions) and Homosexu ality (labeled Gay) are meaningless single- lab el sexua l orientation identifiers to transsexuals, who are defining ge nder for themselves My preferred label for gay consciousn ess is Same Gender Loving It works for gays and and most transsexua ls and, I suppose, the obverse of O th er Gender Loving could satisfy heterosexuals and the rest of the trannies

So m ewh ere behind , this exa mining of one's gender definitions lurks the violence and killing expresse d by h e terosexually · ch allenge d males who discove r that their unwilling (fo_rced) or coo perating sex partners do not physically co nform to the culture 's narro w ideas about "women and men, " and this is the reason I must share this rant wi th the MRC. I am referring here to Boys Don't Cry protagonist Brandon Teena , and to Rita Heste r, a transsexual who was killed in Boston la st year b ecause she didn't match gona d al de scriptors when even

the gay newspaper Bay Windows insisted on describing her based on h er birth certificate and n o t what she h erse lf wanted and h ad well exp ressed in h er life . Frequently reported cases like· these are urgent warnings about why we must explore these areas between the polarities and why we must und erstand th e real and actual diversity in our "men and women!;" legitimate se lfexpre ssion

Llan Starkweather Amherst, Mass

Sieven Botkin replies: Thanks for reminding us of the full range of gender expression possible. The narrow rig idity of gender polarities dominates all of our lives, and is certainly most oppressive to those who don't fit our deeply ingrained gender stereotypes. The liberation of all of us is tied to our ability and willingness to recognize and celebrate our true diversity.

Vision Statement of the Men's Resource Center

The Men 's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts has recently been placing additional attention on its desire to become an anti-racist men's center {see Director's Voice , page 3) As a niodel for creating men's centers , it felt important to share the MRC's Vision Statement with readers of Voice Male

We live in a tim'e of upheaval and transformation, in which people all over the world are defining , questioning , and redefining their sense of identity- national , ethnic , racial , religious/spiritual , political, familial, sexual, and personaL Some of this change is occurring at the cost of great suffering. Many people are also freeing themselves from old tyrannies ranging from repressive governments to oppressive stereotypes, prejudices and social institutions •

The shift in thinking, feeling , and behavior experienced by a growing number of men is one expression of this widespread metamorphosis Men no longer need to feel confined by definitions of maleness that value domination and violence, nor need they feel threatened by women 's struggle · for equality. We can embrace both nonviolence and liberation as we define ourselves in ways that allow our full development as human beings ' •

The Men's Resource Center sees itself as part of.this evolution, and its work as a catalyst to help bring about a more just and peaceful world. We are a network of men and women committed to challenging personal and institutional violence, sexism , homophobia , racism and other forms of oppression and to supporting healing and empowerment for all people We strongly support the insights and social changes the civil rights movement , feminism, and the gay liberation movements have stimulated for both women and men. We are part of a movement learning how to transform the social , psychological , and physical structures of power based on fear into expressions of power based on connection and love

Preventing Domestic Violence: Getting Fathers Involved

How to better involve fathers in their children's lives? That was the · underlying question at a panel discussion 'entitled ': Fathers and Domestic Violence Prevention: Accountability, Engagement, Support" held in f\mherst in November. Three dozen men and women, rriost of whom work with families with young children, gathered to hear a panel describe both the rewards that father involvement brings to all family members-including fathers themselves-and how it helps to prevent domestic violence against partners and children. The workshop was sponsored by the Fathers and Family Network, a collabo.ration between the Men's Resource Center and the Childrens Trust Fund .

"Too often we see fathers going into isolation-isolated in work, isolated in substance abuse, isolated in depression "all troubling symptoms that can lead to anger, abuse and violence, said moderator Rob Okun, MRC AssoCiate Director Speakers included Shellie Taggart, domestic violence specialist with the Massachusetts Departme!lt of Social Services and an MRC board member; Steve Jefferson, group leader with the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) and professor and undergraduate adviser in the UMass sports management program; Jack Miller of the Children's Trust Fund; and Scott Girard, MOvE group leader. , Society is ambivalent toward fathers as caregivers, Taggart said, and many social workers--especially women-have difficulty knowing how to work with fathers effectively. "In 'our culture we accept that inen aren't going to be part of childrens lives, " she said. "We move from that to fear-being afraid that if yve push too far in that direction we will harm the children and women." Most direct care wQrkers, she added, are not as skilled at talking with men as with women; if the work with men is not handled skillfully, there is a risk of "losing" the men and ending .the conversation-and leaving or escalating, the abuse that may be present in the home . "We have a tendency to see men who are abusive as one-dimensional people," Taggart said "I have to remind myself that it 's not about that. Its much easier to reach men through their kids Most men want to be involved with their children-they just

don 't always know how to do that. "

Steve Jefferson and Scott Girard shared their experiences as men who years ago had been abusive in their families-and who, with the help of the MOVE program, learned to confront their own abuse and the harm it was doing to their partners and children. Both said that abuse of partners not only could not be hidden from children, but would certainly harm them even if they were not being abused themselves . 'The kids around you are soaking that stuff up, and it will visit you later, as it did me," said Jefferson He became estranged from his oldest daughter when she was in her twenties, and it took three years of mediation to begin mending the relationship "She said, 'I love the fact you've been ab'le to change your life and the way you interact now [with your younger children] .. , but I'm still stuck with the way you were with me, and we have to get past that, "' Jefferson recalled. t

like Jefferson, Girard came into the MOVE program in 1990 and now both are group ' leaders. "The isolation I felt in the household was a key factor" in his abuse, he said, as was the "fear of functioning in society. I had lousy jobs, and I was angry. The kids were afraid to b e left home alone with me ·[The MOVE program] is the best thing on eimh as far as I'm concerned. But all the stuff I perpetrated on my sons and their mother came back to haunt me ." Of his four sons, Girard said, one recently was enrolled in MOVE, and one could benefit from the program but is still "resistant."

All credited the MRC's MOVE program approach of not shaming or humiliating men, including fathers, but rather compassionately confronting them about .their abuse. "Still, " Okun said, "20 1 30, or 40 weeks is not enough time to undo 20, 30, or 40 years of abusive behavior. Its only a first step."

Helping Refugees Prevent Domestic Violence

The Men 's Resource Center is one of ; four organizations collaborating to reduce family violence in refugee communities in the greater Springfield, Mass. area. Funded with a three-year, $400,000 federal grant, the program will create strategies to directly intervene around family violence and prevention issues. It will work to familiarize refugees with American culture and to assist refugees to become self-supporting. "I t is anticipated 450 refugee families will be served over the three-year course of the project," according to the MRC's Juan Carlos Arean , who will coordinate domestic violence and child abus e. SAFE · Hampden County will mobilize greater community resources for refugee families and will also trairi a cadre of religious and community le aders .as domestic violence educators in order to sustain the project after the funding period

"The role o£ the MRC will be to provide training on issue s of domestic violence and child abuse to refugee serving agencies and

Panalists at fathers and domestic violence workshop , Shellie Taggart , Scott Girard and Steve jefferson

to offer ongoing consultation and technical assistanc e on batterers' intervention to the staff of Child & Family Service and the Vietnamese American Civic Association, both of which work dire ctl y with refugees," Arean said . 'This grant will give us the opportunity to de ve lop models for effectively engaging refugee communitie.s in addressing issues of masculinity and violence

There are currently more than 20,000 refugees living in Hampden County and refugees make up 13 percent of the population of Western Massachuse tts . That populati on includes Vietnamese, Amerasians, Russi ans and Russian-speakers .

"Is This You?" New Project in the Cards

The Mens Resource Center is looking for help from volunteers , agencies, and busin esses in an outreach campaign to men who may be vio lent o r abusive in their relation ships With the help o f gifts from the Amherst and Sp ringfield Rotary Clubs and from Collec tive Copies in Amherst, th e MRC has produced 10 ,000 postcard-size cards for display in public places, aski n g readers "Is This You?" and "Is This Someone You Know?" and encouraging them to ·co nt ac t the battererintervention p rogram of Men Ove rcomi ng

MEN(®WORK

Violence (MOVE) for help The cards ask a series of questions that describe abusive behavior, in the hope that some men will recognize themselves or that friends or family members might understand that behavior they are seeing may be a form of abuse [See our MOVE ads on pages 7 and 9.}

"We 're asking for volunteers to place the cards in locations where people of all backgrounds will see them, " said Michael Dover, MRC board chair and coordinator of the outreach project. "We envision the cards in restaurants , bars , laundries , health clubs, .doctors' and dentists ' and lawyers' offices-anywhere people might pause long enough to consider what these cards are asking." The launching of the project received a boost from articles that appeared in the Daily Hampshire Gazette (Northampton) and the Springfield Sunday Republican

Fcir more information about the outreach cards , to volunteer, to offer a place for displaying the cards, or to discuss financial support of the project , contact Dover at (413) 253-9887 , ext. 16

Will Japanese Courts Recognize Domestic Violence?

When MRC board member and international domestic violence prevention activist Yoko Kato traveled to her native Japan in the fall to receive one of five national "Avon Woman of the Year 2000 " awards, she learned some disturbing news . The Japanese Supreme Court had decided not to make any new laws about domestic violence and not to approve the creation of a restraining-order program Kato quickly joined withJapanese congresswomen, advocates for battered womens shelters, attorneys, and other allies in a massive letter-writing campaign that is now under way in this country, aimed at bringing pressure on the court to change its position .

''We need help from overseas, " Kato said. "The congresswomen are especially welcoming American voices ." Hearings are scheduled in January on the subject and Kato believes "the Congress is willing to listen to the people's voice." Readers interested in writing in support of creating domestic-violence laws in Japan should send letters for Kato to deliver . Letters should be sent to her at: Fashions by Yoko , 231 Main Street, Northampton, MA 01060 or by e-mail to : yoko@javanet.com.

Anti-Racism Retreat Held for MRC

Twenty members of the board and staff of the Men's Resource Center met for a da y in November to sharpen the organization's vision of becoming a racially inclusive, anti-racist men's center

"What the retreat did was to help us as an organization to look at ways to dee p en our commitment organizationally to cha llenging racism," said Michael Dover, MRC board ch air 'The MRC has long been known as a male positive, pro-feminist , gay affirmat ive organization We are working towards being an anti- raci st and racially inclusive organization as well " Organizational consultant and longtime MRC supporter Patricia Romney of Romne y Associates, assisted by Olga Botcharova, facilitated the day-long retreat.

MEN@)WORK Challenge & Change 2000.

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Do you call your wife or girlfriend names?

Do you put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

Are you extremely jealous?

Do you control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

Have you ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

Have you ever verbally threatened her?

Have you ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

Have you ever hit or slapped her or the children?

Do you tell her It's "her fault" that you behave the way you do?

Lui s Melendez , top left, Steve Theberge, and Bailey Jackson, all spoke when they received Men's Resource Cente r Challenge & Change awards November 30th Jackson was presented his award by Prof. Pat Griffi n of the University of Massachusetts .

If you can answer "Yes" to a'!} of these questions, yo u may h ave a problem wi th abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence , you can learn to change. Call u s to schedule a confidential ap pointment with o ne of our trained staff. We can help before it's too late

Serving Hampden, Hampshir11 & Franklin Counties

Amherst: (413) 253-9588 Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (4 13) 773-8181 Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

Whose Masculinity Is It, Anyway?

By Michael Dover

I've been thinking lately about the meaning of "masculinity," triggered in part by, of all things , a few movies that opened in the last several months and that I'll probably neve r see And in thinking about ma sc ulinity, my musings have led me to remembering a much-beloved uncle , gone some 30 years

Uncle Abe was actually my great-uncle, my mother's mother's brother. Born in the late 19th century in Russia , he immigrated to the United States as a young man , serve d in the U.S Army during World War I, and settled in New York , living with his brother Nathan . In the early 1920s these two bachelor brothers , still young, took in my mother and her two sisters , who had been recently orphaned during the Russian Civil War. Abe and Nathan proceeded to raise these girls as their own , while holding down two jobs each and attending dental school. I don 't know if the word "feminism " was even in the lexicon of these men , but all three girls grew up healthy, happy, and educated Both my mother and her younger sister attended one of the best public high schools in New York City, went on to college in the middle of the Depression , and both earned postgraduate degrees to boot

I bristle

at the notion

there is one image called masculinity - or worse, "manliness."

Nathan died before I was born, but Uncle Abe lived into my twenties . He was my one real grandfather What I remember from . my childhood are snatches : his teaching me chess , and playing chess with me, his smile and laugh, his obvious pleasure in my mother's children . I remember feeling com fortable and welcome in his presence One of my fondest memories is of a night when I'd been in New York for one of my first dates I lost my wallet and we had no m oney or train tickets to get home , so I called Uncle Abe for help. As we were leaving his apartment with train

fare, he embrace d my date as if she were a member of the family. If she was with me, he love d h e r, without question or conditions . My Uncle Abe radiated warmth. That's who he was.

Was this a man ? Without a doubt. He was, as the saying goes, a man among men . He was admired, respected , loved by all who knew him I'm proud to say he was a model for me: a model of gentleness , nurturing, kindness, generosity, integrity.

Was he mas culine? My first impu lse is to answer No, and I immediately react to that: If I can 't describe such a man as masculine, what the hell good is the word? Masculine conjures up for me i mages of well-muscled, sq u are-jawed men who "take charge, " protect and defend "t heir " women and "their" country, are "tough " (meaning unafraid and unem o tional), and can be "counted on" to fig h t if the need arises This d oesn't describe my Uncle Abe-or me . If I lined up all the men I can think of w h o fit this image of masculinity, I'd have an inkling of what women and peop le of co lor so often experience in this culture: I wouldn't see anyone there wh o looks li ke me.

Fast-forward to the summer of 2000 A friend calls and says I h ave to pick up the

latest issue of USA Today- something about men in it: 'The m en of our dreams: Women swoon over Hollywood's strong-but-selfless ideal male," the headli ne reads. Uh o h My antennae are up.

It begins: Whether by Jolly or forethought, Hollywood is offering up a new slate of "mythical" male heroes these days. And women are eating it up with a spoon, complaining between helpings that contemporary men fall short Hmmm.

Then it's on to the heroe s of the moment, o r at leas t of the summer movie seaso n : Mel Gibson in The Patriot, Russell Crowe in Gladiat or; Samuel L. jackson in Shaft. "I t's the tough guy and the nurturing male all rolled up int o one irresis tib le package , women say," according to the reporter. This is starting to ge t seriously irritating. And, as if designed to set me off. one woman interv iewed for the story comments, "If you take the violence out and you just h ave the sensitive m an , you rea lly don't have the same cha racter We want it all. " All what?

Wait a minute , Micha el-get a life We're talking movie s here, not impo rtant stuff, right ? Yes but. Popular cu lture both reflects and directs how we think and feel. Not any one mov ie or so n g or comp u ter game, but these images build and accumulate over time, like the steady drip of wa ter creating s talagmites in a cave. As if to confirm this, the article goes on to talk about how this is a reviva l of "o ld values." ·

W h ose old va lu es are these? Who says the strong, brave, ready-to-fight man is the ideal? What do I do , where d o I turn, if I d on 't measure up--don't wa nt to measure up-to that ideal? What if my ideal

Ab e Rothenb erg, the uncle

is my Uncle Abe , o r some other good, , co mp assionate , entirely nonviolent man?

My irritation isn 't with Hollywood or wi th silly articles in the Style sections of newspapers , long since relegated to the recycli ng bin (at least in my house) . I'm bristling at the whole not ion that there is one image ca lled masculinity-or worse, "manliness"-that is the measure of a man, and I have no say in what that is I've experienced this close up , as a boy and as an adult , being with ma les wh o have such an image and who 've told me how to ch ange my attitude or behavior to be in line with that image. It can be, and has been , an intimidating experience

There are aspects of the so-ca lled mythopoetic men 's move men t that have

been singularly unhelpful here. Delving into the Jungian bag of archetypes, so me of the movements practitioners h ave puJled out the "Warrio r" and focused all their at tention on tha t one facet of the male pe rsonality And it so und s a lot like the ideal men in last summers movies: brave, s t rong , reliable, selfless Try thou gh they might to separate t h e Warrior from the war, I can 't help feeling

a little une asy, wondering if I sho uld watch my back. What wi ll all these warriors do if I don 't act warrio r-ly enough for them?

The who le idea of a male ideal makes me nervous , because it equates gen der wit h character, and this feels like dangerous territory I frank ly ca n 't think of a single character trait that I admire in a man that I don 't also admire in a woman Courage , moral s trength , h ones ty, compassion , tenderness, caring- which of these belongs exclu sive ly to men o r to wo men? And who decides? Who dares sit up on some throne to deny me the right to ca ll myself a man if I ch oose n o t to figh t or if I feel vulnerable or eve n insecu re at times? I'm still a m an when I'm indecisive or scared, retiring or co ntem. plative . And no woman should be though t less a woman for being forthright, assertive, or persistent.

Character and personality are wonderfully complex, and shoe h o rning them into one gender bo x or another strips them of their richness Staring too

long at one arc hetype leaves us blind to all the others that together make up the human psyche , whether male , female, transgendered , or whatever other nuat1ce we can think of. The Warrior can be a valuable symbol on which to focus , especially if those aspects of our lives have been neglected-but not for all circumstances or for all men. I think also o f such images as the Scholar, the Artist, the Prophet , the Healer, the Trickster, the Sage , to name just a few Our m ythology is replete with so many character types, all models for how we can be in the world I, for one, will never be content with the minuscule palette from which most men are allowed to paint their selfportrait. I'd be happy if mine looks a little like Uncle Abe-and nobody is going to tell me which colors to use Will that portrait be "masculine "? Frankly, I don 't give a damn

Michael Dover is chair of the board of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, a volunteer and a frequent contributor to Voice Male.

IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW?

0 Does he call his wife or girlfriend names?

a Does he put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

a Is he extremely jealous?

0 Does he control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

a Has he ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

a · Has he ever verbally threatened her?

a Has he ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

a Has he ever hit or slapped her or the children?

a Does he tell her it's "her fault" that he behaves the way he does?

If you can answer "Yes" to a'!} of these questions , your friend or family member may have a problem with abuse. Without help , it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, he can learn to change · Encourage him to call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.

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Fathers and Sons: Rites of Passage in Nevada

By Michael Burke

at do boys need to become ood men? The question contines to plague us , tolling like a bell It is especially urgent for those of us who are trying to raise sons. One possible, partial answer that has emerged is the idea of creating structured, transformative rites of passage to actively usher boys into manhood.

It has been suggested , for example, that we take some of the rituals by which men initiated boys into adult male society in traditional cultures--some of these involving frightening and physically torturous

Passage" (with jon Bliss, Voice Male Summer 2000), where his family "never discussed with me what it meant to be a man They didn't discuss anything." In this case, Helfand says, the jewish ritual was more about "choreography," money, and his family's honor than about spirituality or masculinity (Happily, I understand, a growing number of jewish families are making that passage more meaningful.)

Helfand 's story got me thinking about my own experience with rites of passage . Although I was raised Catholic, a continent away from Helfand, the effect of the formal religious rite of passage was similar At age ll, I received the "sacrament of confirmation,"a sort of second baptism , except this time you stay dry and supposedly you're conscious of what's going on

adolescent panic, only to see him convulsed with wheezy laughter; I had forgotten it was April Fools Day But if he 'd left me at the synagogue, who knows? It all might have worked out differently for me.)

My Catholicism was confirmed-for a few years. By sometime in college I was searching for something else, and today I would not put my son or daughter through what I had to do. Their religious beliefs , their spirituality, will be their own affair, and I don 't anticipate arranging any ceremonies for them.

So my "official" rite of passage was transitory in its e ffect. Elut a couple summers later, in the Ruby Mountains of northeastem Nevada , I had another one-maybe two It was all planned by my dad-well , some of it. And no masks , chanting, or priests or rabbis were involved.

It was our family camping trip , an annual event that had a certain amount of ritual attached to it already It was the summer Nixon resigned ; we heard it on the car radio when my dad started it up to charge the battery and plug in his electric razor "Our long national nightmare is over," Gerald Ford told us . 'T he system worked ," my dad informed me (I was unsure.)

ordeals--and replicate them today, albeit in kinder, gentler packaging. Groups of men from California to Connecticut have done this with their teenage sons: picking them up early from school unexpectedly and spiriting them off for a sort of mythopoetic camping trip, complete with animal masks, chanting, dancing, and other planned "rites." The overall effect seems to be more surprise (and embarrassment?) than fear Does it do much good? I don 't know. But perhaps it does no harm ; at least it shows Dad cares, even if he's a little new age-y sometimes

A more typical and traditional example of a rite of passage is the disappointing bar mitzvah described by Israel Helfand in "From Boys to Men: Rediscovering Rites of

Except I wasn 't. I didn 't have a choice in the matter, and it didn 't occur to me to question it. I don 't recall feeling any different after the ce remony, though you might think that would be a (In fact the only memorable part was the rehearsf!.l beforehand: My adult sponsor, our nextdoor neighbor Mr. McCloskey, drove me not to St. Catherine$ but to Temple Beth El. Mortified, I looked over at him in gaping

The campsite next to ours was occupied one da y by an Indian family, co me up from one of the towns to camp and fish and picnic While the mother took their two boys down to the creek (pronounced "c rick " in my family), the father , whose name was Ben, ambled over to our camp , in straw cowboy hat and leather boots , Coors Tall in hand, to sit on a stump and beguile my dad and me with stories Friendly and voluble, Big Ben , as we took to calling him among ourselves, appeared a comic character at the time, but seems a sad figure to me in retrospect: a middle-aged Navajo man adrift in the country of the Shoshone, his wifes people , he

The writer and his father, Gerald Burke , October 2000

appeared to do little but drink beer, tell tales , then totter back unsteadily to his own camp when dinnertime came He told us about his own rite of passage, though: how · his wife-to-bes father handed him a rifle loadeq with only one bullet and told him to go up on a ridge and shoot a deer to claim his bride He pantomimed how he saw the big buck, aimed, and fired-and the buck went down. His prowess excited wonder among his new in-laws "They say, 'How you do that, Ben?'" he boasted, which became our family joke

When Bens wife, whose name we never learned, returned with their sons , they carried stringers of trout-a fact that excited my admiration and curiosity I had been fishing too, but since I was the only one in my family who fished, I was doing it strictly solo and catching nothing. I was probably self-conscious about foolish, so it must have been my mother who spoke up and asked the other woman how they caught all those fish. I was using salmon eggs and getting skunked; she and her boys were using nightcrawlers and cleaning up. The next day I prevailed on my father to drive me into town, ten miles or more down winding mountain roads , to buy , wcirms . Thereafter I spent several golden days tramping up and downstream, encountering deer and range cattle and even a scary nest of snakes-and catching a number of nice native rainbows and a few exotic brook trout (imported from the East), which I cleaned and my mother dipped in milk and coated in cornmeal and fried for dinner Success at last-and for the first tirp.e a feeling of competence at something useful, at which I'd previously been a miserable failure For that I have that woman and her sons to thank.

One afternoon when i was not absorbed in fishing, my father and I hiked up the mountain nearest our campsite, leaving my mother behind in camp . That was somewhat unusual, just the two of us, but evidently I made no note of it. We hiked upward through stands of aspen, whose small green heart-shaped leaves quivered fitfully in the breeze . We could smell the urine of wild cats-whether cougars or bobcats, we never saw-and in the dust of the trail could make out the occasional hoofprint of mule deer, and sometimes their scat, too. The stands of aspen were so, thick as to be impassable to As we climbed we turned to see the late-afternoon sun changing the colors of the sheer rock wall across the canyon, from red to gold and back again, as the moonrose above us in a solid blue sky

At some point we stopped for a rest and took a drink from my dads old army canteen. I had recently hit puberty, and somehow-l don't know what the transition

was-we started talking about sex I'm sure I didn 't bring it up, but what transpired was that my dad gave me a sort of Sermon on the Mount-about the physical aspects, in particular, of human sexuality I must have been a little embarrassed, but I was grateful, too Partly to receive this knowledge, much of which was still literally a mystery to me (though I'd heard and read some things, both true and laughably false), but also for my fathers willingness to share this aspect of life with me-for this communion , if you will-and for his openness on a subject that fills many parents with dread

My dad gave me a sort of Sermon on the Mountabout the physical aspects of human sexuality.

Having grown up on a farm in Idaho, my father didn't see any sense in keeping silent about our bodies, how we receive pleasure from each other while incidentally making more of our kind : He grew up seeing animals do it, he'd had five kids himself, and he must have learned from his father and become convinced by his own experience that there was no shame in it, and no reason for ignorance or prudery I asked questions after a while , and he answered-he covered a fair amount of ground , as I recall. Looking back, I wish he had talked more about some of the "intangibles"-about emotions, being in a relationship, ab but the troublesome aspects of sexuality and feelings, and what it really means to love someone. But I realize that these were not things for which my father had many words-just as I didn 't know how to ask .

What he had, and what he shared that day, was a vital , nuts-and-bolts sense of what his SOr;J. , wavering at the trailhead into adulthood, needed to know to move forward, to deal with the feelings that would soon surge and almost overwhelm his (my) young body That he was able to speak this-to tell me, in plain language , without embarrassment, some of the crucial "facts of life"-is something I still find moving, and for which I will always honor him . Many men and women I know were told far less growing up (Some , indeed , were told nothing , and for them that omission had consequences, great and small .)

Unlike Moses, I don 't think I was irrevocably changed coming back down the mountain (I had no commandments, for one thing-not even "Be fruitful and multiply," which might have been a nice touch).

But what happened that day, and my dads role in it, was important none theless What would I say to my, son in the same situation? When the time comes , will I be able to do as well? I've got a few years to think about it, fortunately, since hes only six. But . time goes by fast: I was six only yesterday myself; then seventeen , having my first sexual experience; then in college, then on my own in New York City. Those were all "rites of passage" for me . Now married and a father myself, I'm still having them-only now they're called midlife crises

A friend of mine said, when we were discussing this subject , that it would be better if all of us-parents , teachers, Big Brothers, extended family, community members-helped boys more in their journey every day, rather than just concocting a ritual for them to go through at puberty and saying 'There-now you 're a man ." (I think the same holds true for girls as well , and at the risk of triteness, is the meaning of "It takes a village ".) I think whats important--especially for fathers-is to show our sons and daughters that we care , that we're here for them every day and for the long haul. It may be by helping them with their homework , or playing baseball with them, or just talking with them about school, about sex , about their hopes and ' dreams and fears . It will often involve listening to them, driving them places they need to go, and being patient with them while they figure out how, someday, to get there on their own. ft may even taKe the form of a ritual , religious or otherwise , in which we celebrate with them their passage into adulthood Some of their rites of pas- · sage we may never see-pan of the scary letting-go process that begins at birth The key is to stay on the path, to stay connected with them in their upward climb, and by doing so to help smooth the l(:mg ascent.

Michael Burke is a fr eelance writer and editor living in Amherst, and serves as managing editor of Voice Male.

How to Respond to Internet Sex: Pornography, Power, and Privacy

1 By Russ e ll Bradbury-Carlin

Four clicks.

All it took was four clicks of my mouse to have hardcore pornography on my computer screen . When I was growing up and first so ught out porn, I had to obtain it from friends whose old er brothers or fathers left it lyi ng arou nd . Even as a young adult, if I wanted to buy a pornographic magazine or rent a porn video, I had to deal with that mixed feeling of desire and shame to buy o r rent in a publi c place Now, viewing pornography on the Internet is a priv ate affair where the shame and guil t are easy to ignore'-by anyone at any age.

It has been many yea rs since I sought out pornography. Recently, I helped facilitate a workshop on pornography at the Everywoman's Center. It made me realize that I haven 't heard many challenges to the p o rn ograph y industry from the men 's movement in recent years . It surprises me , because i t is clearly an industry that still preys on and co ntributes to violence against women and has grown enormous ly · with the advent of the Inte rnet.

Recent discussion about pornography, mostly in academic circles but also within popular culture, has been primarily proporn'. Many have talked a bout porn as being a means o f hea lthy sexua l expression that, when approa ched thoughtfully and co n scio usl y, ca n be a so urce of sexual and econo mi c empowe rm ent for womeri . And, of course, some feel that being anti-porn amounts t o censorship and violates the First Amendment.

All of this may be true, at least to a tain degree . But, to on ly view pornogra,phy in this way is to ignore an industry that encoura ges ab u ses of power and control over women It informs men that th ei r sexuality is co nn ecte d to power and co ntrol. At its wo rst , the porn industry is a direct and powerful influe n ce on the batterin g, rape, and killing of wo me n Conside r this : Nearly every mal e will be exposed to pornography at some point in hi s life. Many wi ll be ex po se d to a co nsiderable amount of p orn For many men , pornography will be involved in their first sexual expe ri ences. The message tha t men mu st us e power an d control over women sexually is implanted at an early And it is not always blatant. A lot of mainstream ad vertising and films use si milar ideas and methods in their images. Most standard pornograp h y involves phot ographs of women looking you ng and

vulnerable Some are dressed in "schoolgirl " clothing or have expressions that appear to be shy, n erv ous , and even scared. If there is a male involved in the · picture, h e is often towering over the woman o r holding her d own . The male is often faceless and anonymous, so the viewer ca n imagine himself in his place . Hidden within "mainstream " pornography and within porn that is easily obtainab le on the Internet are images of women appearing to be powerless and enjoying being dominated sexually, as well as being hurt , humiliated , and even killed- all of which are supposed to be sexua lly provocative for men. What is chilling abou t porn on the Internet, in parti cular, is that vio lent pornography is so readily available . Child pornography, eroticized torture , racist pornography, and sites that describe the "turn-on " of killing a bound and maimed woman can be found without too much searching.

What is chilling about porn. on the Internet, in - particular, is thai violent pornography is so readily available.

It is important to understa nd th e link between sexuality and an abuse of power by men The porn indu stry helps to create and to "hook " men on these images, pulling them in deeper and deeper. Many m en who hav e dealt with their addic ti on to pornography started out by viewing more mainstream porn and eve ntually found th emselves -needing to view more violent porn to get turned o n This is intenti o nal on the pornographers' part, whether it's mo re mainstream sites that , "i nn ocent ly" offer links to "tee n " sites that showcase mod els who are reputed to be 18+ , or floating si tes that offer hardcore porn (includi ng child porn. bondage , and torture sites). And, it is impossible to tra ck th ese floating sites b eca use they literally attach themselves to a s ite and pop up when you ent e r. Then th ey fl oa t to another site to eva d e detection by th e authorities

It is important to talk about the issue of consen t in the p o rn indust ry There is a

sense when looking at pictures or watc hing a video tha t consent must have been given. Then there is a move by many pornographers to remove that sense of consent, by having the woman in the photos appear to be unwilling, captured, or trapped Don 't be fooled into thinking that just because it is a produced video or magazine, consent was given. Many women are coerced or even kidnapped to produce such pornography.

The illusion of consent is a form of fantasy, which the porn industry capitalizes on. In a BBC special on pornography, feminist writer Andrea Dworkin describes the issue of pornography fantasy. She says "i t is part of the pornographers' effort to hide what they really do in real life to encourage use of the word fantasy in place of actual behaviors that really happen in the real world. A fantasy is something that happens in your head It doesn't go past your head Once you have somebody acting ou t whatever that scenario might be in your head, it is an ac t in the world It is real. It is real behavior with real consequ ences to real people ."

It is important that men take a long lo ok at their relationship to pornography and to identify their p oss ible addictions to it. More important, men need to recognize the connection between pornography and issu es of power and co ntrol. It is also important for men and women to analyze and speak up against the porn industry It does not mea n that one is against healthy sexua lity. It means that one is for equality and for the safety of women For more information o n this issue, ch eck out Men Against Pornography on the Web They are a pro-feminist organization that has been very vocal about challenging the porn industry and pornography in general. In the past they have offered workshops on h e lp ing men to challenge pornography, and they organized a public boycott of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issu e in 1996 Cu rrently, they are creating an online an th ology of first-person stories from men "quitting" pornograpl!t y and d escr ibing why they chose to You ca n find Men Against Pornograph y at : www.geoci ties..com/CapitolHi lV1139/quitporn .html

Russell Bradbury-Carlin is the co-direc tor of the Men Overcoming Violence Program of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts.

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By Vernon McClean

The Tears ·of a Black Father

The stereotype of a black father is of an individual who is strong, silent, and oftentimes violent. This is only a stereotype. But, as is often true with stereotypes, there is some truth to it .

Having time to spare before attending a concert at the Beacon Theatre in New York City, I entered the, five-and-dime store on 72nd and browsed through the discount products . I noted that the black Caribbean guard was staring. However, because of my gigantic ego, I thought he considered me a role model, an academiclooking brother who enjoys browsing in discount stores--a pastime not engaged in by most black men (a stereotype).

I then discovered a bargain : a blue chenille bathrobe for only twenty dollars 0 get cold easily; I, too, am from the Caribbean.) I proceeded to drape the bulky · robe over my arm. Now, a bulky robe is rather impossible to conceal. Again, I noticed the guards repeated staring No longer was I flattered by his attention. I was starting to get annoyed, because the guard not only stared but followed me from the main floor to the alcove, where I co ntinued to browse before paying for the robe

In the alcove, I angrily con -' fronted him . Did he think I was a thief? Why didn't he follow the white people in the store? He mumbled that I must understand that it was his job to follow me . Next incident. I was awaiting the opening of a South African concert at a theater called SymphOJ,1Y Space on New York's Broadway. I decided to go to a nearby greenmarket to· purchase a can of soda while waiting After browsing a bit, I saw no brands of soda that interested me and proceeded to walk out. While exiting, I was confronted by the Asian owner who demanded I open my book bag. When I asked why, he said he saw me put something in it. A white woman who saw the entire incident told me not to open my bag and said she would call a police officer to protect me But I was weary after a long day of teaching, so I sadly opened my bag and left.

Third incident. A few years ago, I went to the famedjoseph Papp Theatre in New York. In the lobby was a yo ung black guard who eyed me Despite past negative history, I was still quite naive and thought I was being marveled at Foolishly, I mistook his suspicious stare for veneration. He then approached me and asked why I was sitting in the lobby with the rest of the patrons ·

who were awaiting the opening of the theater. l told him that I was also awaiting the performance He demanded to see my ticket. I refused and, in turn , demanded to see his superior Again, another white woman (she and I are now close friends and attend social functions together) came to my defense and told his superior that I was not doing anything to deserve harassment from this guard. (He still works at this the a ter )

I rememb e red the5e annoying incidents when I

recalled Deborah Mathis's term "Blackmothe ritis ," which she defined as "a nervous disorder afflicting millions of black women with a dolescent children, particularly mothers of b oys" (Liberal Week, September l, 1997 , p. 3) Unfortunately, this disease is not confined to black mothers. Black fathers also suffer from their own peculiar strain

That leads me to the title of this piece , 'The Tears of a Black Father." I am in pain . I am a nag. This do es hot fit the traditional image of a black man , who is supposed to be silent and strong. But I am this way because I want my teenage son, Macheo , to stay alive, and because I love him

From a very early age Macheo would go with me to rallies in New York against police brutality and for civil rights in Harlem and neighboring communities . And , like Deborah Mathis , I have to tell hiin:

"Keep your hands out of your pockets "

"Don't reach under your shirt. If theres an itch, just live with it. "

"Eve n if it is below zero, keep y our jacket open ."

"Do not stay out after nine at night, even when visiting yo ur running buddy across the street from home " (foo many cops have shot black boys in the back at night. ) ·

"Do not wear baggy jeans. You might be

mistaken for Tupac Shakur."

"A lways have the cletk bag your purchase, with the receipt inside the bag. "

Macheo (a Swahili name ) rolls his eyes but says respecth.dly, "Ye ah , Dad I know I'll remember."

He loves me , but he d oes not always remember.

There have been times a t a Kmart when I have had to tell him not to touch the merchandise "Macheo!" I have gasped My son's name falls hard from my mouth , alarmingly. "Get your hand "

"Okay, Dad ," he says impatiently, muttering something that seems mad and sad all at the same time

"I just don 't want-"

"I know, Dad, I know I'm sorry."

I pay for the merchandise and we leave Kmart.

·

My son. He thinks he's sorry. A black boy who thinks 1t is his "duty " to make me laugh after a hard day's work at the university. (He usually succeeds.)

Like Deborah Mathis, I consider it "an · infuriating condition," this "black-fatheritis " There are times when I want to defy this disease : "Go ahead, son, sc ratch that itch, zip your coat; put your hands wherever you want ."

But before I speak, I remember my own incidences of racial harassment , and I know that my beloved Macheo will have to encounter this all his life When he and his older brother (Maliki) are not permitted into a store in the shopping mall "because an adult is not with them ," he must learn to deal with it. To accept it, as a penalty for being a black male in North America. Of course, he must keep his anger locked inside him Of course, this repressed anger will vastly increase the likelihood that he will die from hypertension and stroke many years before his white playmates. As I write, I rough up his shaved head , and wrestle with him for a few minutes. He understands my gestures and laughs . I, too, laugh, because I do not want him to see me cry.

Vernon McClean is father/mother to Macheo, 18, Maliki, 19, and Malaika Nakupenda, 30, and chair of the Department of African-American and Caribbean Studie s at The William Paterson University, Wayne, New Jersey.

The yo ungest child, Macheo, 18, as a boy and member of his high school football team.

Challenging Traditional Masculinity Getting Out of the Box

And, as it turned out for the group, he was not alone in feeling that way

Only four years earlier, I had been in the same place as he was-uncertain about the world but grasping for some way of explaining it. In those four years, I have gone through many transformations ; I still am , as its an ongqing process. Yet somewhe re along the line, I forgot what it was like to be numb to the pain of others This bo} 's comment triggered memories of being a desensitized teenager, struggling to feel in a desensitizing culture .

ast year, a female co - facilitator and I were leading a discussion on gende r oles with a group of white, lower-to , middle-class , high-school-age boys Our first activity was to brainstorm what it meant to "act like a man. " On a sheet of newsprint we wrote their suggestions inside a square box, which we said represented the traditional view of masculinity. Around the box, we wrote the consequences a man might face if he tried to step out of the "box of conformity. " The result? Name calling, threats , violence : these kids knew what was up . They were becoming men in the same culture that produced me Misogyny, homophobia, and even violence were a part of life. This state of affairs seemed natural to them.

For the rest of the session, we discussed the ways gender roles are reinforced I kept emphasizing the box as a visual metaphor to show how dom inant, white masculinity is confining and rigid-besides being dangerous and destructive Through the exercise, I hoped these teenage boys might glimpse what it was like to transgress their gender, to see the possibilities doing so opens . After a while, one of the older boys said something that shook the ground beneath my soapbox and made the square, visual metaphor on the newsprint behind me seem irrelevant . "I don't know," he said , "I kind of like being inside the box ." Yes, he admitted , "acting like a man " meant you often had to seek out danger tq prove yourself, but the danger could be · fun Yeah, you had to disrespect girls and gays with your friends, but that's how you got to be a part of their clique . Most important , acting like a man gave you power and privileges in this socie ty that were withheld from most other groups of people Despite the fact that "being a man " meant dominating others and never showing vulnerability, the payoff, for this teenage male anyway, was still worth it.

"I don't know," one teenage boy said. "I kind of like being inside the box." And he was not alone in feeling that way.

My parents did as much as they could to tea ch me about the world and the importance of caring for other people. They tried to explain why violence was never the answer; that there was never an excuse for violence against women; that you should always respect those with different lifestyles and opinions . I am the man I am today because of them-but the hardest part of the journey had to be walked alone . There wasn 't much my parents could do during the years between beginning junior high and graduating from high school. I didn't want tb be shielded anymore I wanted to stand on my own two feet, and that meant walking face first into the oncoming wave of adolescence

The media landscape through which I wandered was relatively the same as the one this group of teenage boys was experiencing It 's a world where society is corrupt and everyone screws everyone, so you might as well get yours while you can. The only thing that really matters is being hyper-cool. Any sort of brutality can be made acceptable if its sexy enough This world isn 't much different from the one that most adults consume every day, but adults have other things to occupy their minds-paying the bills, raising kids, trying to be good role models . For young people , this corrupt world is our whole world . We don 't immediately accept it, of course We want to believe that there is goodness in the world , but the positive

role models get fewer and fewer the farther we get from the world of our parents At first, "polite society" filled me with rage because it stank of falseness, but the only outlet for this rage was mediated (and medicated)-through TV, music, and movies The violence had to be extreme, the sex ultra-raunchy, and the music aggressive and loud The more cracks that appeared in society 's civilized fac;:ade, the more jaded I made myself. Eventually, it became a source of pride. Anyone who still cared about "saving the world" was naive and open to ridicule Now, I can see this whole process happening at an even earlier age as I watch young people growing up . The flipside to this depressing tale is that I eventually grew tired of being unable to feel any real emotions . The power and privilege that came from staying "inside the box " felt hollow. I wanted to try being something other than ultra-jaded and hyper-cooL When I got to college , studying history, theory, and politics stirred up the embers in my stomach , and as passion returned to my heart, I found a healthy outlet working with organizations dedicated to social change-not on a fly-by-night basis, but as a long-term project spanning , I hope, the rest of my life . Too few young adults get the chance to explore the opportunities college offers , and many young men who do get to college have already grown too accustomed to the "box " of masculinity to be able to give it up To seriously challenge sexism , instead of just preaching, we need to acknowledge how difficult it is for young boys to adopt any other persona but the traditional , dominant, masculine one There have to be outlets for young boys to channel their anger into healthier forms of expression, and we need to mitigate that anger by honestly engaging with them from a very early age . Most important , men, and especially young men , need to set the example of a masculinity that is lived "outside the box. "

Doug Ginn, 21, is a student at Hampshire College in Amherst, Mass. He is working on a video documentary about his parents' experiences living in a big city, a small town , and a sprawling suburb

Am I Gay or Bisexual?

Asking the Big Question

0none of the incessant political interview shows on television, the journalist-host concludes each program by asking "the Big Question ." This gives the politician-guest a chance to respond with the big evasion or the big platitude. On Monday nights, the Men's Resource Center offers a drop-in group for "Gay, Bisexual , and Questioning" (GBQ) men . No doubt, those who so labeled the group imagined that questioning men might be asking themselves the Big Question : "Am I gay or bisexual?"

That may be the Big Question, but it is also the question that many men have been evading for the better part of a lifetime At one time in our lives it seemed as though asking the question was harder than answering it. Getting to the point of asking that question can be a long and anxious process-it tak es real co urage to look at oneself in the mirror and ask the Big Question . B!Jt when he is prepared to ask it, the questioner is also ready to answer it. And when he does at last answer it, he often feels an incredib le lightness and freedom , as though weights he didn't know he was fettered to suddenly disappear He realizes how much energy he has expended in defending his ignorance, in resisting the knowledge he didn 't want to know he knows

But the answer is no longer as simple as it once was thought to be Once upon a time, a man was either gay or straight . As I thought about my sexuality-or rather as I thought about not thinking about it-the idea of being gay was so dreadful that those strange reveries I found myself having must hav e been happening to someone else. Or at least I built so strong a fence around the "I" that was having those dreams that I could imagine (read "pretend") they were occurring to someone else I could not be gay; it was out of the question.

Out of the question For me fifty years ago- and for countless men and women today-having any same-sex feelings was literally out of the realm in which questions can be asked. So perhaps the strongest reason for putting the "Q" in "GBQ" is to affirm that homosexuality and bisexuality are no longer out of the question It is reasonable and courageous and powerful to ask the Big Question.

But in fact there are many big questions Sexuality, after all, is that astonishing thing, so central to our being and so trivial, so urgent and so ludicrous , so a ll-con suming and so incidental. Many men find them-

selves periodically caught up in the paradoxes of their sexuality and the questions th at grow out of those paradoxes. Come to a Monday night group, and you will meet men wh o have asked themselves questions like these:

Why do I want to be sexual with men, if I really love my wife?

Why do I need something that I don 't really want (or vice versa)?

How can I get rid of my own homophobia (w heth er or not I am gay)?

Why does the thought of having sex with a guy turn me on but the thought of kissing him turn me off (or vice versa)?

Why, if I am so smart, do I act so stupidly?

Why, if I am so moral , am I cheating on a loved one?

How can I reconcile my sexuality with a church or synagogue that denies its worth?

What would my family, friends and coworkers think if they kn ew ho w I really feel?

How do I really feel?

And there are other questions which cannot perhaps be asked in a generalcirculation publication , but which can beand are-asked on Monday nights In fact, the Big Question may or may not have a definitive answer, but it certainly does open the floodgate of real questions that many men, confused about or frightened of their sexuality, find th emselves confronting-or not confronting .

One of the great pleasures in my life, since I started writing openly about my own sexuality several years ago, has been hearing from men who have been asking themselves questions like thes e over a lifetime but have never shared them with others Men my age (67 and co unting) grew up associati ng gayness with guilt, with shame, with fear I don't suppose we ever get rid of those feelings entirely We kept our secrets to our-

selves, or-just as often-from ourselves. Once we take the risk of sharing our secrets, we can begin sharing our questions , and soon we find that we are sharing our life stories and what once made us shameful can make us feel wonderful. Being among men who have asked similar questions as oneself is truly liberating. Realizing that these questions do not have definitive or final answers helps one understand that sexuality is a nuanced and subtle phenomenon Men who are centere d in their homosexuality have just as many . questions as those who are unsure about their sexuality Acknowledging one's sexuality is dne thing Expressing it is another. Sc-a-r-y.

The Monday night group is not a therapy session Participants listen and share and support one another. We try to speak from our own experiences rather than give advice. We are scrupulous about con fidentiality, and even though some participants have gotten to know one another well , anonymity is the expectation Participants are encouraged to speak when they are ready, but are never pressed to speak if they are not. Some members are out and open; some are very much in the closet, and some are still afraid to look at themselves in· the mirror. All ar e welcomed, all are supported , and all leave the group knowing that their privacy outside of the walls of the group will be respected.

Got a question? Come and ask it!

Writ er-musician Michael Greenebaum was an elementary school principal in Amherst, Mass ., for 20 years . He facilitates the GBQ group as a volunteer for the Men's Resource Center.

New Network Founded For Single Gay Men

QueerSingles.com is a new free online resource bringing gay men together for a vanety of casual and fun activities . Officially named the Single Gay Men's Soc ial Activities Network of Western Massachusetts, the service helps individual single gay men who are hosting social activities of their choosmg to publicize their events by listing them on QueerSingles com's website and by distributing announcements.

QueerSingles.com was the brainc hild of john Bickford, a gay graduate student at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst. "I was single and sick of bars and clubsthey're just not a good atmosphere for meeting people," said Bickford . "I wanted a community resource that brought together single gay men from all walks of life for fun , casual interaction. Nothing like that existed, so I created it myself. " The service began in November and appeared to be attracting co n siderable attention and support from the gay community QueerSingles com's resources are openly available to all single queer-identified men free of charge Scheduled activities are listed on the website; single queer men may freely join these activities or schedule events of their own .

Other free resources from Queer Singles com include an electronic mailing list for the announcement and discussion of activities and a participant profiles area, where single gay men may introduce themselves to the QueerSingles.com community

If QueerSingles .co m continues to be successful in Western Massachusetts it will expand to include other regions within Massachusetts and around New England, according to Bickford

More information about Queer Singles com is available by contacting queersingles@hotmail.com or by visiting http://www queersingles com

Our Bodies, Our Gay Selves

my of pleasure Hardcore information , lit-

advice, expectations, quotes from guys who are there, and considered observations and suggestions. There are warnings, too, though this book condemns

Here's a book that has its work cut out for it-a complete guide to gay

IITO GAY M fN'S

;'#] SEX UAL I'H YSlCAl. men's sexual, physical, and emotional well-being. When I first picked up this hefty volume the word "Complete " struck me as arrogant

two large informative appendices and hucksterish. A review of the • ) table of contents for l3 chapters and

reduced my reaction to "optimistic

very little. To help us put the information into action, the book suggests ways to maintain good health and healthy attitudes and perspectives. This chapter ends with an easy-to-use chart of informatfon for "trouble shooting" and with directions to further information.

Each chapter uses this approach , which makes it very hard for the reader to stop in mid-chapter Although irritating when you 've got to take a pee or leave to make a meeting on time , it pretty much ensures that you get the information in its full context and with all of its realities and possibilities. and "big goals. " Dipping into chapters , and getting seduced-and informed-by their contents, left me largely believing in the subtitle's claims. "Complete" for the author, Daniel Wolfe , does not mean encyclopedic, or microscopic, or abstract, or complex statistically It has some elements of all of these, but combines them into holistic unities that us mere mortal gay men can understand and actually use! More important, Wolfe puts everything in contexts we actually live, and think about, joke about, and sometimes fear.

The information begins where most of us focus our energy: on sex, on the anato-

From pleasure, the book then moves on to sex facts , then to cruising, coupling, and communication and finally to sex troubles, both physical and psychological. Part Two concentrates on the body in general : what's there , how to take good (and bad) care of it, how to find and use a doctor, and what the future will bring .

The chapter on aging considers the social as well as the physical issues of older gay men Part Three takes on major medical issues, HIV particularly, in their physical, legal , financial, and social facets . Part Four focuses on matters of the mind, relationships, and spirituality The book ends with detailed resource information, including website addresses, for organizations and services on a wide range of topics of interest to gay men. A special appendix has information for transgender, transvestite , and other intersex persons.

Much of the information and insights in Men Like Us came from firsthand discovery or experience, from one-on-one interviews, a yearlong Internet survey, workshops , and lunch and dinner table conversations . This book , gay man to gay man , provides help , advice, and support for many of the big challenges of gay life . The Gay Men's Health Crisis , an AIDS service organization founded in 1981 , organized this book because its experience showed that HIV treatment was much, much more than just condoms and pills. While this book will not answer every question or allay every pang of anxiety you might have, it will give each of us many answers, as well as the means for discovering answers to the rest of our questions

Carl Erikson is a writer, artist, and business manager at the Men's Resource Center.

Men 's Work in Mexico

Coming Home in a New Way

By j uan C arlos Arean

When the MRC's juan Carlos Aredn traveled to Mexico not long ago, he encoun tered pro-feminist mens work well under way in his native land. What follows is his report.

In so me ways, the scene was familiar. It was some thing I had done many times over the last 11 years. I was sitting in a circle of men who were committed to being real and truthful. We told our stories and opened our hearts to each other. There were tears and there was laughter. I was surrounded by my brothers.

Yet there was something so different ; I had never experienced anything like it. Every man present had black hair and dark eyes; there were many shades of brown skin in the ro om and men were speaking Spanish with Mexican accents. Out in the street, there ,was smog and traffic. I was in the middle of Mexico City surrounded by my bro thers!

I was attending a weekend workshop on "Men and Masculinities" offered by an organization flamed CORIAC, which stands for Colectivo de Hombres por Relaciones Igualitarias, A.C., or Mens Collective for Equal Relations, Inc . It was the climax of an amazing week I sp ent in Mexico in September which included three differe nt and independent eve nts rel ated to masculinity. Incredibly, I was origina lly going to Mexico for completely unrelated reaso n s It wasn't until I had bought my ticket that I found out there was going to b e a . co nference on Masculinity Studies organized by Mexicos National University (UNAM). I was

invited to the conference where I found out ' about the premiere screening of a video about fathering and the CORIAC workshop, all within the same week. I believe in synchronicity, but this seemed more .like a miracle .

I was born and grew up in Mexico City, but have lived almost half of my life in the United States I try to go back to my tierra at least once a year. I still have a lot of old friends there and I have made some new ones. I often talk to them about my passion for creating new and positive ways to be a man. Sometimes , hpwev-· er, I just get blank stares in return . That is why it was so exciting to find not one or two , but mauy men who share my passion and vision.

The week started with a three-day conference on Mascu linity Studies at the Center for Social Studies of the UNAM There were about 15 participants, including leading Mexican researchers , academics , feminist activists and representatives from non-governmental organizations (NGO) who work with men in Mexico City and other parts of the country. The main presenter was Robert Connell, a well-known Australian professor.

The conference was interesting , although-a bit abstract at times for my taste Two of the

central ideas disc u ssed were that there is not one masculinity, but many masculinities (determined by nationality, class , race, religion, time, etc ) and that masculinity is broader than j ust what men do Also discussed was the fact that women also have a masculine side, as men have a feminine side Connell sees this fact as two complementary forces which have to be understood in relationship. Finding a balance between these two elements is what leads to a wholesome humanity.

There was also a good deal of discussion about the relationship between gender oppression and other kinds of oppression. Interestingly, racism was hardly mentioned at all, whereas imperialism and colonialism (sometimes just referred to as globalization) were identified and discussed as major forms of oppression , along with homophobia and classism.

Most important (or me was meeting men and women who not only spoke Spanish, but spoke the language of male-positive profeminism or, as they say down there , understand issues from a "gender perspective. "

continued on page 27

Members oj CORIAC, the Men's Co ll ective for Equal Relations

Return to Sender: Letter Writing as Therapy

Many (and female) survivors of childhood sexual abuse come to realize that they carry their abuse experience into the present in many forms, and they look to find ways to "get it out ," or to "exorcise" the experience and the memories of the abuse. Telling the story verbally, though helpful in many ways, often is not enough . The story must somehow be externalized , anchored outside in some way Only then can a survivor feel able to move forward , unencumbered by the past, ready to finish transforming what happened to him into knowledge that can help him thrive in the present He needs to let go of the "old story" and write a new accounting, one of his own choosing.

There is great wisdom in the concept of "givmg it back ," that is, giving the pain, the shame , the helplessness and inhumanity back to the per- · petrator of the abuse . A method used by many survivors to exorcise and confront their experience and their fears is letter writing. Letter writing can be as formal or informal as one chooses. It can be a flow of consciousness or a point-bypoint treatise. It can address thoughts or feelings or both. It is a very effective tool.

Many survivors who have written letters to perpetrators have been surprised by the length of time it took to complete them What seemed like a task to accomplish in one sitting lasted weeks But length of time doesn't matter Writing is not about getting the letter finished but about going through the process If it takes weeks or months to represent all the feelings and thoughts in a way that feels right, let it take that much time There$ no hurry! Letter writers who think they have finished are advised to put the letter · away for a while and then re-read it with a little distance If it still feels right after a few days or weeks , it may b e ready for the next step.

For many survivors , letter writing is one of the only ways available to confront a perpetrator because that person may have disappeared or died or is unwilling to meet. Or, as is often the case, seeing them would place the survivor in emotional or physical danger and would risk retraumatization.

If one decides to try letter writing as a method for healing, there are several considerations to keep in mind First , decide whether help, support, or guidance is needed or wanted at the outset of this new chapter in the healing journey

God, Sex & Money

An experiential conference for men

This unique event will focus on critical passages and areas of a man's life where many of our core issues, deepest wounds and greatest potentials reside.

Conference presenters:

John Lee, Author of The Flying Boy, Writing from the Body, At My Father's Wed4ing, and Facing the Fire.

Jeffrey Duvall, Associate Director of the Men's Council Project.

Joe Laur, Consultant, Shadow Work facilitator and naturalist. .March 9-11, 2001 ,

Soirrce of Life Center, 22 West 34th Street, NY, NY

Cost: $300 if full payment postmarked by 2/1/2001,$350 after.

To ·reserve your place, mail $100 deposit to:

ManKind Project New York, do Mark LaRiviere 137 Rivington Street #B, New York NY 10002. Tel, 212 228-6885 e-mail, markl@accesshub.net

Networking with other survivors who have written similar letters can be invaluable. Perhaps its a good time to go into therapy, or to schedule a check-in visit with a therapist one has worked ·with in the past. For those already in therapy, it might be a good idea to talk about hopes and expectations from the letter, including actually sending it to the perpetrator Before starting to write, an important initial step in self-care is to be clear about ones hopes, dreams, fantasi es and expected outcomes Throughout the lett er writing process , periodically "check in " for "inner updates" regarding expectations from the effort

To lessen their fears and help them face their past trauma , many survivors have found it helpful to separate and protect their "child-self' throughout the process One man I know imagined his "child-self' telling his "adult-self' what he remembered and how he felt as he was being abused. His adult-self would then sit down to write about it in the letter: Tne child-self had the opportunity to watch a competent adult stand up x for him, something he had always wished for For the first time , he said, his child-self felt that he had a true ally as they tackled the project together

Survivors who try letter writing have found it very useful to tell their perpetrators what happened from their own perspective, how it felt then, and how it feels now, looking back. In their own words , they let their perpetrators know the y hold them totally accountable for what happened, and they are giving back. to them all the negative feelings , memories , and shame they have held all this time. If the perpetrators are people who continue to play an active role in their lives, in the letter they may also want to assert some rules for future interactions They may want to tell the perpetrator they have shared their story with others and no longer intend to keep secret the perpetrators behavior.

Once the letter is finished , if the decision is made not to send it, or if the perpetrators identity or whereabouts is unknown, there are other options Showing someone the letter, having him or .her witness it, can be important. Some men have chosen to read their letters to trusted friends or at public forums. Others have offered their letters for publication, and/or to be shared with other survivors as offers of hope and strength. Still others have used the letters in rituals of letting go (burning them, setting them adrift in a bottle, or scattering letter ashes at the shore ) There are no hard and fast rules about what to do. Whatever one decides, survivors are advised to check in with themselves and to follow their hearts.

Sexual abuse is a deeply hurtful experience , and the secrecy of it makes it doubly so . Letter writing helps to externalize what happened, to provide an outside anchor. It breaks the secret , giving the survivor the freedom to move on with his life.

Sam Femiano is a psychologist in p1ivate practic e 1 in Northampton, Mass. , working with survivors of childhood abuse.

Richard Hoffman

Male Survivors: Discovering a Different Kind of Power

the right word , not th e expec ted one; not the acceptable word, but the one that truly corresponds to experience. Listening restores faith, integrity, authenticity, freedom No one has the right to stay ignorant of atrocity.

Mike Lew is a consummate listener

The dreams of the powerless are either to flee to safety or to gain power.

Ivan Klima , dissident Czech writer

"Freedom is the right not to lie," Alben Camus once wrote, and in this book brave men assert that right and exe rcise that freedom in the service of healing one another. Their truthtelling is the "untelling" of many lies and distortions abou t boyhood and maleness, about the sexual abuse of boys, and about recovery Here are the voices of men who have seen through the li es , suffered to bring their exiled spirits home , and struggled to regain their freedom. Here you will find a brotherhood that does not rely on adherence to doctrine, girding for war, or subjugation of others. Here you will find new men

The powerful words of witness in this book challenge the stereotype (which exists to shame victims into silence) of the forever wounded, the psychologically damaged , the emo tionally crippled. But it wou ld be a terrib le waste if these words were not also heard by those who are fortunate enough not to have undergone such suffering Telling the truth and listening to it are reciprocal processes by which we build and maintain a vital community. Listening also gives people th e occasion and the reason to find language to spea k the truth. It encourages the teller to find

Author of the highly regarded 1988 book Victims No Longer; he is a longtime advocate for male survivors. To those who know his work-his writing, his speaking, his workshops, his steadfast advocacy-this book is a much-anticipated bl essing. He has modeled for all of us that quality that invites the truth to eme rge in all its subtlety and complexity He has brought together a moving chorus of men's voices here Arresting as each one is , taken together they demonstrate what Lew often says: "Because the sexual abuse of children takes place in secret, in iso' lation, recovery must take place in the open, with others "

You will find no cheap locker-room advice here. No counsel to "Ge t over it," "Shake it off, " "Suck it up " You will find no pernicious talk about the "necessity" to forgive Nor are yo u likely to encounter any psycho-babble about "the cycle of violence," so-called "falsememories," or "the profile of the (sic) male sex-abuse victim." These are the voices of men-white , black, Asian, Hispanic, straight, gay, bisexual-regarding themselves honestly and confiding what they see and understand . All told , the book contains moving contributions from hundreds of men of all ages and backgrounds in the United States and 45 other countries

More and more men are coming forward, empowered by their brothers-in-recovery (many of whom have allowed themselves to be instructed by courageous sisters-in-recovery). They are propelled by the knowledge that standard-issue male consciousness is inadequate to anything but displacement of their pain, and can only exist in the context of abusive hierarchical power. For m en, rejecting the shame and silence that are the usual legacy of sexual child abuse involves defection from a bankrupt ideology that defines power as dominion , supremacy, comman d.

When we speak the truth, we wake from this terrible delusion. At first there is pain, like the blood returning to a numb limb when we've slept too long, too drunkenly, too deeply We wake to a world where others are suffering from the onslaughts of abusive power : where children are still being vio lated, women are still being raped, men are still being beaten , and where shame still drives the deadly machinery of disempowennent and disintegration But it is also a world where, once we commit ourselves to the struggle for wholeness, recovery, and justice, there is joy and laughter, soli d arity and strength- a world of truth-telling and compassionate listening, as evidenced by this book and the powerful voices that are here assembled.

Many of us who read these pages have suffered the trauma of boyhood sexual abuse and will be strengthened and inspired by the generosity and honesty found here Before committing to the hard work of recovery, we have to believe that it's real, that it's possible to find a way out of shame and confusion, and that there is a kind of power (besi des power over those who are weaker) worth claiming. There is abundant positive proof in this book.

Poet and activist Richard Hoffman is author of Half the House : A Memoir.

Don't Believe the Hype

Men's Health at a Crossroads

The "battle of the sexes" has been mercifully fading as a pop-culture notion since its heyday in the sixties. Unfortunately, it co ntinues to plague the health care debate . It 's not stated in thos e terms, of course ; but it's reflected in the posturing of advocates. Their gambit: assert your positions for funding and programs by comparing death and disease statistics between men and women , and then demand recompense from government officials to correct perceived injustices.

On the men 's side, the longevity argument has been the rallying cry: "Women outlive men by seven yearsl Men have been losing ground to this gender longevity gap since 1920! It's time we do something! " This complaint became the impetus for men's health legislation, the subtitle of a widely acclaimed men 's health book, the theme of a national men's health conference, and is being used to promote a national Men's Health Office However, thi s argument is divisive and not based on subs tance-only a deceptive playing with numbers .

The truth: most U .S. men have enjoyed a steady life expectancy increase since 1900, as have women. (The exceptions are African-American men from the mid-1980s to the mid - 1990s, and Native American men .) The increases are primarily due to control of infectious diseases , food safety, better sewage and water treatment , and the like. It's certainly not because of personal health practices, since, as a nation, we are fatter and lazier at all ages than at any time in our history. Women's life expectancy gains have been greater because of the added advancements in maternal health , and the dramatic drop in childbirth mortality That's something to be celebrated, not used manipulatively. Men are not diminished by such a life-enhancing achievement

for women. Indeed, women outlive men in 200 cultures around the world, with biology now recognized as a key factor. Clearly, there are injustices in health care There are skewed policies, unfair resource distribution , disturbing disparities in com muniti es o f lower socioeconomic status , fragmented services, etc. But the deceptions-by-numbers continue, in attempts to "win" in the artificia lly created, social policy money squeeze .

A current example is prostate cancer advocacy While it 's a serious man 's disease, is it really true-as many respected organizations and individuals promote-that "one out of three men will develop prostate cancer in his lifetime"? The answer: No The reality: by using biopsies , microscopic cancer ce lls can be found in large numbers of aging men 's prostates , but that is not the same as clinical disease . Indeed , some experts place the risk at more like 1 out of 30 Significant , sure, but more in proportion with the truth . In fact , mortality from pro sta te cancer has been going down since 1991 becaus e of improvements in public awareness and medical diagnosis and treatment. But creating inflated anxiety in peopl e remains standard practice in disease "marketing."

Why play with numbers? Because the national health agenda is "gamed" so that funding more rea dily goes to those "diseases of the month" which get the notoriety from tr agedy, media, celebrities, and shifting politic al winds. But I worry about our credibility in the men 's health movement if we continue to take this "my victimization is bigger than yours" approach . There are gains , but at what cost? Almost weekly I find myself correcting someone's inflated misstate ment about men's health , catching their com plicity in the "lie "

So how do we effectively and realistically

UPCOMING JOBS AT THE MRC

Support Program Director (20-30 hr/wk) •:• Campus Educator- University of Massachusetts (40 hr/wk) •:• Program Assistant- and Refugee Communities Program (20 hr/wk) •:• Youth Coordinator (20 hr/wk- contingent on funding) •:• Office Assistant (20 hr/wk- begin March)

advocate for men 's health in our pluralistic society? It's a challenging question that demands deep thinking , not overly simplistic solutions The answers lie in more affirmative, values-based strategies promotingjustice , empowerment, and shared responsibility Some Do's and Don 'ts to consider:

Do start building more health care coa litions between men and women . Don 't cloud the truth with deception. Don 't posture men 's health in opposition to women 's health, or conversely Such manipulative competition acts out social hostility, and fosters mistrust between men and women

Our core health problems lie within complex social issues, not between genders

Do build community between men of all diversities, recognizing that we are all interconnected and benefit best from raising everyone's physical well-being. Don't advocate for one high-risk group of men at the expense of others, or pose each favored illness as the "number-one health problem for men." Let's make all men and their health needs visible and act jointly without prejudice

. Do address larger-scale health issues (excessive corporate profit-taking from medical tragedies, pollution, violence, occupational safety). Don't be deceived into believing that individual choice alone (diet, exercise , smoking, etc ) is the primary solution to the health of our nation. Indeed, the American Public Health Association courageously identifies the true number-one health problem in the United States: poverty! It leads to more uninsured , unsafe, and unhealthy communities, and less access to services

Men's health is at a crossroads Tremendous gains have been made. More awareness, commitment, research, and services are devoted to men's gendered health needs than ever before And there's so much more to do However, most determinants of health affect us all, with relatively little being gender-specific Where separate gender issues exist, advocates have a choice to make They can continue the status quo Or, they can learn from and help one another, emphasizing the social web that keeps us all safe and builds truly healthy communities

joe Zoskt: is Voice Male 's health columnist and a public health consultant who lives in Albany, N.Y

MRC P'ROGRAMS & SERVICES

SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS

· Open Men's Group - 7-9 p m Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office , Tuesda y evenings 7-9 p .m . at 218 State St ., Northampton A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other

· Surv ivo rs o( Childhood Abus e - Specifically for men who are survi vors of any kind of childhood abuse Call the MRC , (413) 253-9887, for details

· Gay, Bisexu al, & Questi oning 7-9 p.m . Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

· GBQ Brun ch- Last Sunday of the month, 10 AM- l p m at th e MRC.

FATHERING PROGRAMS

A variety of resources are available-lawyer referrals , parenting gu idance, workshops , educational presentations and conferences Gro up and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/di vorced , gay, s tep , adoptive and other fathers/father figures

YOUTH PROGRAMS

· Radio Activ e Youth (RAY) : Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM) . Youth Dialogu e Project : College men trained to lead workshops for high school and middle school students on violenc e prevention, positive masculinity, and healthy relationships

Youth Overcoming Violenc e (Youth MOVE) : A violence prevention group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)

MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive Fee subsidies available

· Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield

· Follow-up : Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst.

· Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

· Prison Groups : A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

· Commun ity Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are a vailable

· Sp eak ers ' Bureau : Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are a vailable to speak at schools and human service programs .

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING

Available to colleges, schools , human service organizations , and busin esses on topics such as "Sexual Harassm ent Prevention and Response ," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men, " "Building Men 's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia ," a mong other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available

PUBLICATIONS

· Voic e Mal e: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles , essays , reviews and resources , and services related to men and ma s culinity.

· Children, Lesbians , and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonym ous Spe rm Donors , a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there. "

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES

Information about events, counselors , groups , local , regional and national activities, support programs for men . Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members

Men's Resources

(Additional Resources listed on page 16)

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups , nutritional supplements , dressings and supplies, literature , low-cost housing, and transportation

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County

We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591 . Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services , including support , prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities

RESOURCES

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals , families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress . HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582 -9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals- 123 Hawley St. , Northampton . Doors open at 6 PM. Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services , promote safe sex practices, and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events

Massage

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues

Education and support services for adoptees , adoptive parents , professionals, etc Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599

Internet Resources

Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com

National Men's Resource Center

National calendar of events , directory of men 's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships www.menstuff.org

The Men's Issues Page: www.vix .com/pub/men/index .html

100 Black Men, Inc.: www 100bm.org

Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm

Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu edu au/-gorkin /profem.html

Fathers

At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom /athomedad

The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane com/frc

National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet

The Fatherhood Project: www. fatherhoodproject.org

Magazines

Achlles Heel {from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co uk/achilles /issues.html

XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs.anu.edu au/- gorkin/XY /xyintro.htm

Ending Men 's Violence Real Men: www cs utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.htm l The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www mrpp org/intro.html

Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities .com/CapitaiHill/1139 /quitporn.html

Volunteers Needed-

AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general. office work, special projects , etc. Flexible schedules .

RESOURCES

Counseling

Therapeutic Bodywork

December 5-10

Santa Fe, New Mexico Reconciliation &: Communion : Fostering Transformational Healing between Women and Men 1 •

Sponsor: Shavano Institute of Boulder, Colorado. Purpose : to change gender imbalance and cultivate intimacy beyond sex and romance. For singles , couples , gay, straight, bisexual, and transgender. $575. Information: (720) 890-0336 ; gender@shavano.org; PO Box 17904, Boulder, CO 80308; www.shavano org. ·

December 6-8, 7:30 a.m.-5:00p m. daily Washington , DC

Fatherhood Development: A Curriculum for Young Fathers

Sponsor: National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL) Workshops to help practitioners use the Curriculum, whose purpose is to help both yo ung and older fathers with parenthood and responsible manhood. 25 streetwise group discussions. $425 +Room&: Board. Information: Tel. (202) 822-6725 ; Fax (202) 822-5699; nvann@npcl org; Nigel Vann , Director of Partnership Development , National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL), 2000 L Street, NW, Suite 815, Washington, DC 20036.

December 7, 2000 , and February 7, 2001 Amherst, Massachusetts Violence Prevention · Sponsor: Amherst Regional Middle School (ARMS) Parent workshop to follow up ·on the Violence Prevention Kickoff workshops held on October 18 and 19 Purpose : to help parents help children deal with harassment, humiliation , exclusion, and violence, and improve their social climate At ARMS. Information: (413) 5499880

january 1-31 ,2001, 24 hrs. a day, 7 days a week Online at http://www.globalbizshows.com/ First Annual Men's Health Show 2001 Online vinual trade show and consumer event . Exhibitors ' Web sites for health , self-care, consulting, and male vitality Attendance: free Exhibit: $250.00. Information : Roben Zawaski: rzawaski@globalbizshows.com; toll free 1-87762 9-8399; www globalbizshows.com/Sales/

january 16 and 23, 7:15-9:30 p m. Gree nfield , Massachusetts

In Our Bones : Waking the Masculine Archetypes Workshop led by joseph DiCenso

Thank You!

The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds ' of people have ' s hared our msptration and commitment, and c ontributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support . We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a se n se of being part of a growing community of s upport Thank yo u

CALENDAR

introducing the four masculine archetypes of Raben Moores and Douglas Gillette$ King, Warrior, Magician , Love Sliding scale: $25-$45 (for both nights) At Netw,ork Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail. Information : (413) 367-0206; josephd@crocker.com.

january 24, 2001 , 8:00 a.m -3 :30p.m Wellesley, Massachusetts Working with Complexities of Gender in Schooling Seventh Annual K-12 Gender Equity in Schools Conference Sponsor: Wellesley Centers for Women , Wellesley College Panel discussion and workshops Professional Development Provider Cenificates and other credits available . Prepaid registration required by january 3 , 2001, by mail to Helen Matthews, Gender Equity Conference, Wellesely College , 106 Central Street, Wellesely, MA 02481-8203 $175 , including lunch. Discounts available. Information: Tel. (781) 283-2506 ; Fax (781) 283-3646 ; hmatthew@wellesleyedu

February 9, 2001, 1:00-4:45 p.m

Springfield, Massachusetts

Childhood Loss and the Impact on Adulthood: Strategies of Treatment Sponsored by Western New England College Social Work"Half Day Workshop. 3.5 Category I Credit Hours. $35.00. Information : (413) 7821473

March 9-11, 2000, New York City

February 23-25, 2001

Online at 4ttp ://www tiac net/usersllattellcfd /dancecmp.'cgi/

Winter Gender-Free Dance Camp

Sponsored by the Lavendar Country &: Folk Dancers Contra, English country, and international folk dancing, singing, games ; Saturday night variety show and costume dance parry At Camp Becket YMCA Camp in the Berkshires. Information&: registration : Bob Peterson 1-978597-5861: CampReg@ContraComer cofll

March 9-11, 2001

New York ,. New York

God, Sex &: Money

Sponsored by ManKind Project. An experiential weekend for men with john Lee, jeffrey Duvall , and joe Laur. $300, including meals. At Source of Ufe Center. Information : (212) 22S-6885 (See Ad this issue)

Office Volunteer

Jim Decker

Voice Male Volunteer Proofreader

Bob Moore

Computer Support

Kirk Peterson

Support Group Facilitators

Alan Arnaboldi, Michael Baumgarten, Ken Bernstein, Michael Burke , Jim Devlin , Philip Fitz, Ken Howard , Gabor Lukacs , Alex MacPhail , Rick Martin , Bob Mazer, Jim Napolitan , Torn Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Gary Stone

Donated Space

Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton

March 14, 2001, 9:00 a.m.-4:00p.m.

Springfield , Massachusetts

19th Annual Regional Social Work Conference

Sponsored by Western New England College. 6 Category I Credit Hours . $75. Information : (413) 782-1473.

March 23-25 , 2001

Albuquerque , New Mexico

Cultural and Spiritual Traditions: The Evolution of Mens Studies

9th Annual Conference of the American Mens Studies Association. At Holiday Inn Mountain View. Information : Sam Femiano , patsam@javanet.com ; 22 East Street, Nonhampton, MA 01060 .

August 10-12, 2001

Windsor Locks, Connecticut

Fourth Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference Sponsor: SMART (Stop Mind Control and Ritual Abuse Today). Purpose : to help survivors of ritual abuse and prevent its future occurrence and that of mind control. For survivors , professionals , and others. At Double Tree Hotel near Bradley International Airpon. Information: smartnews@aol.com; PO Box 1295 , Easthampton , MA 01027-1295; http ://members.aol.com Jsmartnews!smart 1-conferenc e. htm.

October 25-28, 2001

New York, New York , Healing The Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men

9th International Conference of tlie National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV) An Affiliate Sponsor: Mens Resource Center Workshops, seminars, and presentations For survivors, professionals , women, and others. Scholarships available Atjohnjay College of Criminal]usti ce, The City University of New York. Information : 800-738-4181; nomsv@malesurvivor.org; NOMSV, 5505 Connecticut Ave. , NW -#103 , Washington, DC 20015-2601; www.malesurvivor.org

Please send calendar listings for the next issue with events from March 1 to june 30 , 200 l--and beyond for events calling for arrangement s well in advance (registration , re se rvation, etc.). Please address listings · to: Voice Male Calendar at mrc@vallinet.com, Fax (413) 253-4801 , or Men 's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002. The deadline for our receipt of listings is january 29, ;2001.

' In-Kiiid Donations

A very special thanks to Mark Bergeron of Bergeron Design for his generous donation of design and production services. Henion Bakery for their ongoing delicious contributions.

As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization ·and all who are a part of it.

Coming Home in a New Way

continued from page 19

One evening, I attended the premiere of the video Padrfsimo in a standing-room-only auditorium at the Center for the Arts. It is one of a series of videos on masculinity, fathering and violence directed by documentary filmmaker Alberto Becerril Montekio. The premiere featured a workshop for.fathers and a subsequent discussion with them and their partners organized by Salud y Genera, an NGO working in the city of jalapa, in the state of Veracruz. It was a wonderful celebratio n of nurturing fathering and a candid look at the obstacles that traditional masculinity imposes on healthy relationships between fathers and their children.

The next d ay I had a four-hour meeting with five men from CORIAC. It was a profound encounter. Pretty early on, it became clear to me that this is a sibling organization to the Mens Resource Center. In fact, besides the MRC of Northern New Me xico, I feel CORIAC is closer in philosophy and practice to our organization than any other I have known They are strongly pro-feminist, malepositive and gay-affirmative. They really believe that the work starts on a personal level and that the men have to continue growing and looking at themselves as they work with other men They approach the problems of traditional masculinity in a holistic way and don't compartmentalize the issue of domestic violence. Th ey know that men can and do change and that they need compassion as well as co nfrontation (see sidebar on page 19 for more about CORIAC).

Friday afternoon and all day Saturday, I attended a workshop on "Men and Mascu linities" skillfully facilitated by CORIACs executive director, Eduardo Uendro. Three ot her men who had attended Thursday's meeting also participa ted During our previous meeting we had gotten to know eac h others minds . At the workshop, we got to know each others hearts. I was grateful for the opportunity to get to know these and other men on a deeper level. This, of course, ch anged the nature of our relationshi p

There was nothing new or s triking for me abo ur the content of the workshop, although I enjoyed the emphasis on non-verbal exercises (including drawing, creating collages and moving/d ancing). What was amazing to me, however, was that I was among my people, men lik e tho se I knew growing up These men, young and old, po or and well-off, straight and gay, all opened up, bared their so uls, and were willing to question the unfair stereotypes Imposed on us

I felt blessed by this experience lt made me feel at home in a new way. It helped me understand that all men are different and ye t the same It demonstrated dram atically to me that exCiting work 1s happ ening in many parts of the world. And, considering all the "coincidences." it reinforced th e sen se that someone. somewhere 1s looking after me.

THE CHILDREN'S FUND "

5th Annual Hampshire /Franklin Counties

· Friendraiser

Thursday, March 29, 2001

6:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.

The Inn at Northampton, One Atwood Drive, Northampton

The evening will include silent & live auctions, dinner & awards.

As part of its Hampshire/Franklin the Children's Trust Fund (CTF) recogruzes an outstandmg md1v1dual from each of the two counties who has demonstrated a commitment to supporting families and enhancing the lives of children.

CTF invites nominations for this honor. The individual could be, for example, a child home visitor,. ph ysician, leader, . volunteer, or media professional from either county. Deadline for normnations is Jan. 12.

To receive a copy of the 2001 nomination packet, more information about the Event Planning Committee, or to add you_r name to the invitation mailing list, please contact Emily Webster at: