Voice Male | Winter 1999

By Mum ia A bu -Jama l ( Page 18)

Editorial By Rob Okun

The Next Step

Can ·Changing Men Mak _ e Social Change?

For many men nowadays , navigating contemporary life is rife with pitfalls Be tender and strong ; bread baker and breadwinner. These are tall orders that many males would just as soon not try to fill (see "From the Director," facing page) The pressure is intense to make sense of personal lives at a time when men's roles are in such transition. (Womens roles are too, of course, as they have been for the past three decades )

. One sign of masculinity in transi ti on has been the proliferation in the past decade and a half of workshops and retreats for men to explore our inner lives

From coming to terms with our fathers to healing our wounded boy, the focus is on deep , personal growth There is in such gatherings great power-authentic opportunities to wake up , to experience real breakthroughs in changing our lives. Many men notice their bodies for the first time in decades . They release huge blocks of bottled-up tension , anger, and grief, and in the process uncover, if not a river of joy and contentment, at least a stream they might follow to reach it Bonus of bonuses all of this genuine expression of feeling is ' being accomplished in the company of, and the safety of, other men

. The reality of men coming together to create a community of support, even for a weekend, stands in powerful contradiction to the notion that men fear one ano ther, · assume they are in competition, and see other men as potential enemies. Many men build on these powerful workshop experiences by continuing to meet in s m all groups to try more permanently to break through traditional patterns of male is olation and limited emotional expression

All of this work is an essential, hopeful sign for the future of a healthy, new masculinity. The value of these experiences is multidimensionaL As men rejecting the traditional "Ma rlbo ro man " defini tio n of

masculinity, these men are m aking an important statement to the culture at large

For some men there is a next step beyond deeply investigating their livesand making changes to improve them. There is a desire to use their awareness in o ther environments . But where to tum? The culture of patriarchal mascu linity offers a range of opportunities for "changing men ."

From civic clubs to classrooms, from pulpits to playgrounds , these men can take t he initiative to address critical issues of our day. They can bring their raised consciousness out of the workshop and into their communities

Imagine a group of men who started meeting regularly after attending a retreat together What if one of them, for example , happened to read about a sports figure who was arrested for assaulting his wife. He might suggest that their group offer to go into lo cal sc h ools to discuss how unmanly hitting a woman is Or, perhaps, a group · member bel ongs to a large spiritual com-

From civic clubs to classrooms, men can take the initiative to address critical issues of our day, bringing their . raised consciousness out of the workshop and into their communities.

munity concerned with social issues. He might initiate a mens study group to discuss h ow their community should respond to the racist and homophobic killings last summer and fall of James Byrd in Texas, and Matthew Shepard in Wyoming. Or, if some of them are dads, they might plan a fathers-and-children play day.

For many "c h anging men," the challenge of taking the next step is clear: to ensure that their new insights deepen an d t ake root outsid e of the workshop, retreat , and support group environment . The pos-

Administrative Staff

Executive Director - Steven Botkin

Associate Director - Rob Okun

Office Manager- George Moonlight

Business Manager - Carl Erikson

Outreach Coordinator - Steven Jacobsen

Development Associate - Tim Van Ness

Men Overcoming VIolence

Directors - Russell Bradbury-Cadin. Rob Okun

Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin

Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinoff

Group Leaders - Steven Jefferson Steve Trudel , Dan Botkin. Sheri Vanetzian

Early Intervention Staff- Tim Van Ness

Youth Education

MARS Program - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente

Voice Male

Editors - Steven Botkin. Rob Okun

Managing ·Editor - Michael Burke

Production - Mark Bergeron

Ad Sales Director - Steven Jacobsen

Copy Editor - Michael Dover

Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean

Volunteer Facilitators - Michael Burke, Michael Dover, Tim Gordon Ken Howard. Steven Jacobsen, Norm LaFoe. Gabor Lukacs. Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Sheldon Snodgrass. Michael Verrilli, Brian Willson. Paul Abbott. Bob Dunn. Dave Goff, Michael Greenebaum. Michael Grogan. Keith McAllister, Jim Napolitan

Board of Directors

Chair- Michael Dover

Vice-Chair - AI Sax

Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop

Members - Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Thom Herman Sean Hutchinson. Yoko Kato. Tom Kovar, Brenda Lopez She/lie Taggart

Editors' Note

The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily represent the opinions of all staff or board of the MRC We encourage letters to the editor. articles and news. Address submission$ to: Editor, Voice Mate Membership

The MRC IS funded by individual and organizational contributions and by fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence Annual subscription and membership is $25. Send to - MRC. 236 North Pleasant St.• Amherst MA 01002

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For rates and deadlines call Steven Jacobsen at 413-253-9887

From the Director By Steven Botkin

Refusing to "BE A MAN!"

"Be a man!"

The effects of those three words continue to echo through our lives lqng after we've realized the lies behind them. listen to the inflection, the emotional message we can hear so clearly in this simple phrase, carrying equal parts promise and threat. Be a man!

If we can achieve this goal we are promised a sense of power, pride, confidence , mastery, control, and invulnerability If we do not "cut the mustard," "make the grade," and "s tep up to the plate," we are threatened with isolation , shame, abuse, and violence.

But what does it mean to "be a man "? For years I have regularly asked groups of people what comes to mind when the y hear that expression The responses, from men and women of all ages, are frighteningly consistent And everyone knows what happens to boys or men who do not fit inside this "box " Matthew Shepard, beaten and left to die tied to a fencepost in Wyoming this October because he was gay, is the ultimate , tragic example.

Most of us who are men know some (usually less lethal, but still profoundly traumatic) variation of this story quite well. We remember schoolyards and street corners , and often homes, with our ciwn or our friends ' families , where proving that we had an "acceptable" degree of masculinity was an ongoing theme of our daily lives . We learned that any nonconformity to the rules of this masculinity risked making one the target of brutality and ridicule. And we learned that we could have prestige and privilege , power and control, to the extent that we were able to "be the man ."

And yet, especially as children, we knew we really did not and tould not meet this impossible and inhuman standard Sometimes we did get sad, scared, and hurt. We did, at times, want to cry and be fo.rted. If we had enough safety as children we might respond to the command "be a man" with the truth : "but I'm not a man."

But it wasn't ;ilways safe to tell, the truth. So, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways we practiced hiding or minimizing our gender nonconformities, because we were told that's not how men are. How we dressed, walked, talked, used our hands, expressed our emotions, related with other males, and talked about and behaved toward females was all carefully scrutinized so that we would not betray any deviance We did not want to be

standing alone feeling shame abou t our difference So we denied' parts of ourselves in order to feel safe and accepted within a dominant culture that.demanded of us: "Be a man!"

What would it mean now if we were to create a culture in which men join together to reclaim those parts of ourselves that we once hid and denied? If we discovered that, as we peek out from behind our fear, we find the shy and smiling face of ano ther, reflecting our own remembered wholeness What would it mean if together we found the courage to stand and face the dominant cu lture , saying with determination and pride, "We do not want to 'be a man" '? We refuse the rigid box of gender conformity What if we createc;i a community w h ere we could feel safe and accepted in the infinite variety of our gender nonconformities? It would mean the end of the system of patriarchy, wherein the promise of power is leveraged by the threat of violence . Men wou ld show up in the full rainbow of our expressions We would inhabit our h omes and families , remembering the delights of nurturing relationships. And we wou ld seek out the close, loving companionship of other men and o ther women . It would mean hope for the world in places where we have long felt only hopelessness.

I believe this is all happ ening now. There is certainly plenty of overt and covert resistance; however, there is a tremendous wave of liberation moving through our world. Men breaking free from the individual and cultural demand to "be a man" is one key ingredient in this movement.

It 's time for us now to assert that we will not be boxed into masculinity by seductive promises of power or intimidating threats of Vio lence- It's time for I,!S now to break through our fear and isolation and come out as gender nonconformists who do not fit or accept prescribed rules of manhood Its time · for u s now to call other out of the shadows of the box with a welcome of acceptance and safety In this way we are crea ting a new culture where being a man is an openended, ever-expanding express ion of possibilities

This is the work of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts May you find hope and inspiration in the pages of our maga?:ine. Please join us by sending a subscription/membership co ntribution Thanks.

WE WAN T TO HEAR FROM YOU

Write us! Please send typ ewritte n , d oub le-s paced lett ers to: VOICE MALE , MRC , 236 · No rth Pleasant Str eet , Amherst, MA 0100 2 o r FAX us at (413) 253-4801 , E-mail: m rc@valinet.com ; include a ddress and phon e . Le tt ers m ay edit e d for clarity and lengthpe a dline for t he S p ring ' 99 is sue i s February 5

Mom Seeks Un cl e

I' m a single mom with two little girls and my p as t exp eriences with men h ave been less than des irab le Recently I picked up a copy of your m aga zin e at the library. How refreshing to see a publication and an organ ization supp o rting and educating m en, working towa rds elimmating o ppression and improving relationships

I've been trying t o fin d som eone who be willing to be an "uncle" for my girls , wh o h ave n o fami ly in the area and few men in their lives. Someone who wo uld visit and play on ce or twice a m onth. an d h o pefully deve lop a re lationship wi th them They're young (a baby and a three-year-o ld) , loving , and very open -minded If there's a way to post or publish th is I wou ld greatly appreciate it! ! Anyone interested can contact me . Keep up go od wo rk!

Sh elly Lancian i Flore nce, Mas s.

Man to Man

Th an k yo u fo r yo ur time in sh a ring wi th me yo ur Men 's Resource Center in Amherst. I certainly see wh y you are all p roud to be a part of this organ ization and the work that you have d one over th e last 16 years . The informatio n yo u sh ared with me will be helpful in ou r ge tting s tarted on a diffe rent type of Men 's Center here . I am excited about our opportunities : I think working wi th men , especially in the violence area , is certainly some thing th at is neede d in our socie ty I will be keepin g all of you po s ted as to ou r progress , an d I wi ll let you kn ow if we m ay be able to arrange some kihd of meeting, either with you d own here o r wi th so me of ou r men coming up there

Douglas]. Le ster Raleigh Men's Ce nter Raleigh, N C.

Thanking Spirit for MRC

Con gr at ul ation s on your new move! It is so diffic u lt for m e to articulate how import ant the Men s Resource Center has been to me I beca me a vo lunteer because of my friends hi p wi th Steve n Botkin As my time wi th all the men at the Center increased, it b ec ame obvio us t9 m e that I was involved wi th a group o f men who were kind , compass ionate, res p ec tful , and believed in equali ty for all-and their ac tions mimicked their be liefs I was invo lved wi th men who kn ew h ow difficult it w as/is to be a womyn and how d ifficu lt it is/w as to be a man in this cul ture. I wa tched men bonding in friendshi p and support as they forged new ways of b eing male in this society I am proud to h ave bee n part of and witnessed an organiza tion tra nsiti on from a seed into a bloomin g p lant, al ways trying to uphold dign ity, integrity, co mp assion , and be ly respo nsible t o itse lf and the community at la rge

Up to th at time I was a womyn who had had on ly ab u sive relationships with men Many times as I wo uld leave the MRC after my day's wo r k I th anked Spirit for the ' o pportunity to b e wo rking with the men at t he MRC. All of yo u helped m e create a "n ew progra m in the computer system in my b r ai n " , of the type of male I wanted to h ave in my life You gave me the strength to never wan t to se ttle. The MRC was a wonderful, gentle, and supportive place for me Ea ch one of you wi th whom I worked always saw my strengths and commented on th em Th ank you , MRC , for being there.

judith Breier Sprinrfield, Mass

"Real Fathering"

Its always a pleasure to read (no w the new) Voice Mal e , and I Steven jacobsen$ Fathering column. But being adopted myself (and , like mo st males , having taken a really long time to even begin to c ome to terms with adoption), I want to suggest that you consider how you u se the word "real. "

Of course , it 's o ffensi ve to h ear those who know nothing about adoption t alk about who the "real father " is But the problem is that we're jus t beginning in this country to recognize the confu sio n and pain that adoption , by its very nature , creates And we don 't have the right words to talk about it. But your so ns, like many of us who were adopted , have two "re al" mothers and two "re al " fathers One set of parents gave them birth-and I hope the y will always be grateful for that-and now they are lucky th at the y have another s et of parents to love them and take care of them And I hope that they will learn to love you uncondit ionally, and not just in fear that "it may happ en again " But unless you have the (often sought but never found) inagic wand to divide nature from nurture, your sons are always going to have to deal with two very real sets of parents Those of us who h ave d bne some adoption work talk ab out the a-mom and the b-mom (adoptive mom and birth mom) and may be these wi ll work their way into the general language eventually Anyway, if you aren't familiar with it , you might want to look into Nancy Verrier 's book , The Primal Wound

john Anderson

(born Kenn eth Jarvi e, the younge st of 14) Lake Pleasant , Mas s

PSYCHOTHERAPY GROUP

An ongoi ng gro up for men and w omen seeking greater persona] awareness, more satisfying rela t ionships , better interpersonal and communication skills.

jennifer Bryan, Ph.D., CGP

Licensed Psychologist Certified Group Psychotherapist 155 Main Stree t Northampton, MA 01060 • Grou p meets We dnesday, 6 :30- 8 :00pm. $30 00 per session In i tial consultation free of charge

MRC NEWS

A Supportive Man Challenging Violence:

Juan Carlos Arean Rejoins the MRC

By Michael Burke

Genrude Stein famously wrote of Oakland, California , "There$ no there there ." In these heady days at the Mens Resource Center, with staff, volunteers , and fnends still buzzing about the new building dedication , and with fresh new energy focused on the expansion of MRC programs , it may be well to remember that just lO years ago this statement could have applied just as acc urately to the MRC itself.

"It wasn't a physical place ," recalls juan Carlos Arean, a 10-year MRC ve teran who has recently rejoined the staff after a two-year hiatus "It was called the Mens Resource Connection, and it was just an office in Steven Botkins house. There were meetmgs and programs, but there wasn 't a center. "

Arean felt drawn to what was going on.

"I just felt totally at home ," he says, "and I got more and more invo lve d ." He became a regu lar at the early MRC brunche s and Mens Spirituality classes

In fact , the organizations history can be read in Areans MRC career. In 1991 it o pened its first office, on North Prospect Street in Amherst; Arean was its first paid staff member, hired six hours a week to return pho ne calls At t hat t ime he also JOined the MRC steering committee, the forerunner of todays board of directors · There was not much differenc e between volunteers and staff in those days, Arean says "From there I have seen it grow and grow"

A year Arean decided that he wanted to work in the MRCs Men Overcoming V iolence (MOVE) program So he trained, recetved hiS state certifica tion to work in · batterers' treatment, and became a MOVE counselor By 1994 he was director of MOVE , a position he held until1996

·'What got me interes ted in MOVE was to see that it was a way to reach folks who weren't already 'converted' to our philosoVoice Male

phy, to build a bridge," Arean explains. "I really felt that doing antivio lence work was as important as the supporting work-they were two sides of the same coin MOVE has been some of the most rewarding work that I've done , and some of the most difficult."

By 1996, Arean felt that he was ready for something different , and h e left the MRC for the "private sector " Well, semiprivate Actually he became director of a n onprofit," government-finance d program for Spanish-speaking mentally retarded adults. But h e never completely cut his ties to the MRC. "O ne way I kept

a connection was by joining the board ," he says "But w hat really did it for me was the training I was invited to do in New Mexico with Steven Botkin It was a three-day training for a fledgling mens center (see story page 9) designed to show in word

and deed what the MRC was all about. It became very clear to me in New Mexico that I needed to come back. I talked to Steven and we made it happen I j umped at the opportunity"

The "o pportunity" that Botkin held out might be daunting to some: becoming the MRC support groups coordinator, a brandnew position ove rseeing an existing group · of facilitators , and director of the Springfield Ini tiative, also a new post in a new community for the MRC. Arean gladly took on both jobs this past summer, and he hasn't looked back.

Wi th the Springfield Initiative , Arean has two primary goals : first, to main tain existing services and get new ones off the grou nd; second, to encourage the Springfie ld community to recognize what the local nee ds are and to develop their own services-including, possibly, a Springfield mens or branch office of the MRC. So far there is already a mentoring gro,up for young m en of color, and a new MOVE group starting up. Arean also hopes to develop a general support group co ntinu ed on page 7

Fathers Brunch Series to Begin in January

Fathers of all stripes, from expectant and step, to divorced and grand, are invited to a brunch gathering on several Sundays in janua ry a nd February at the Men's Resource Center "As fathers, or those who are i n that role, we can learn a lo t from each o the r by get ting together to talk," said MRC Associate Director Rob Okun h os t of the series The brunches are ' schedu le d for january lOth, 17th , and 31st and February 7th . For more informa tio n , and to register, contact Okun at the MRC, (413) 253-9887

The Black Sheep

Nonetheless,

juan Carlos Arean

Hail and Farewell

Th e MRC Boar d said goo d bye to a, longtime m ember, elected four new memb ers in November, and saw two m emb ers p ublicly recognized

Sam Fem ian o , a long time memb er, announce d his re tirement fro m th e Board in Oc tob er. His insigh t , tho u ght. fuln es s , an d commitmen t to the principl es on wh ich the MRC was fo und ed h ave been grea tly val u e d Alt h ou gh his p rese n ce on the Boar d wi ll be missed , Sam will con tinue hi s involvement with the MRC in other ways , in cluding his role as clinical advis er to the facilitators of the Survivors ' Dro p - In Support Group

Th e four ne w Board memb ers are Nanc y Girard , Thorn Herman , Sean Hu tchinson , an d Brend a Lopez Nancy Girard has b een a mem ber of th e MRC Sp eakers ' Bureau since it b egan last year and h as been a freq u ent speaker on behalf of th e MOVE progr am , along wi th

MRC NEWS

her hus b and Sco tt , fo r sever al ye ars She was on e of th e fi rst memb ers of the MOVE pa rtner supp o rt program while Sco tt was p imicipating in MOVE groups . Thorn Her man is a p sych o ther apist with offices in No r thamp to n and Gre enfield , Mass , an d in Keene , N. H. He is als o c oowner of th e Oasis Book sto re in Keene and an activist in th e r egio n 's gay communi ty. Sea n Hutchin son is a program audi t or for Yo u thBu ild USA in 'the Bost on area an d is a doc toral s tud ent at the University of Massachu se tts . He has worked in Heads tart and d ay ca re programs in Nor th ampto n and Syrac use ,Bren d a Lopez is th e do m es tic violence prevention coordin ator for the City of Spri n gfi el d an d h as worke d wi th the MRC to bring MOVE services to the city

The MRC is exc it ed and h on or ed that these fi n e i ndividuals h ave ch osen to' brin g their en ergy and sp ec ial talents to the Boa rd !; essential wo r k.

Re tiri n g Boa rd mem ber Sa m Femiano w as the su bject of a p rofile/inter view in

The Power of Positive Eating

the summer issue of the American Men's Studies Association newsl!!tter Sam , a psychotherapist practicing in Northampton , was one of the founders of the association And current Board member Yoko Kato recently returned from a 17-day trip to her native japan , where she spoke out to numerous groups pn domestic violence , a subject that has never before been openly discussed in that nation (see story on page 8 .) In Oc tober, Yoko was named Woman of the Year by the Massachusetts Federation of Business and Professional Women, and received the Massachusetts Woman of Achievement award from Governor Paul Cellucci for her activism agai nst domestic violence Congra tulations , Yoko !

A Welcome Reception

One of the amenities in the MRC's new building is a pleasant reception area , complete with sofa and chairs where visitors can perus e our literature and be greeted in a relatively calm, welcoming space rather than walking right int o a busy office We have been blessed with several volunteers who are staffing the front de5k , wher e they answer the telephone, field qu es tions, and help visitors to the MRC. Our heartfelt thanks go to Amherst College interns Rachael Burnson, Rachel Bernstei n , and Alicia Schuyler ; University of Massachusetts intern Sarah Tappley ; and t o volunteers john Beck, Elena Botkin-Levy, Jerry Garofolo , Karen Mandeville, and Tom Schuyt . Thanks also to volunteers Casey Forest and Garry Stone , who helped us get started in the reception area

About half of the work week is now covered in the reception area If you can commit two to four hours a week during business hours and would like to volunteer as a receptionist, please call Michael Dover at (413) 253-9887

continued from page 5

Juan Carlos Rejoins MRC

in the Springfield area, an endeavor that draws on both his roles with the MRC. In addition , a Council of Men has already met once and will hereafter meet monthly, to "crea te their vision of what a mens center will be ."

As support groups coordinator, Arean is shepherding the development of a new general support group in Northamp ton, which should be up and running by February (The Springfield group should be in place within a few months .) To facilitate this new group, as well as the MRCs existing support groups in Amherst , Arean , along with members o f the MRC facilitating team , conducted a training of new facilitators in November, adding some revitalizing "new blood" to the core group of volunteer facilitators , which numbers about 15 Arean would also like to see the MRC offer a support group specifically for older men-60 and over-and perhaps to begin exploring a westward expansion into Berkshire County.

Born m Mexico City, where his parents still live , Arean came to the United States at the age of 20 to attend the Mannes College of Music in New York City There he played gui tar and majored in composition, in which he earned both bachelors and masters degrees . At Mannes he met his wife Nancy Raines , a choreographer. Togethe; the y went to Paris and collaborated on a project

They lived in Paris for a year, then married and moved to rural Spain . Meanwhile Raines became pregnant with their first child , Kyle , now nine , and she and Arean returned to the United States in 1989 They "discovered the Pioneer Valley " settled down in Shutesbury, and had a second son , Alejandro, who is now three.

The Mexican connection is still there says Arean, -the whole family speaks ' Spanish-but he has adjusted to life in the States and fe els comfortable in the Valley. Hes happy being back at the MRC building on the work that he and others s tarted a decade and more ago.

"What makes us unique is we believe that s upporting men and challenging male violence is the same work ," he explains . "I believe we are all in the same boat Theres a spectrum of how people use power control in this society-not only men , but women . too . I find it fascina ting ."

EN'S NEWS......._..____......__

Gender Rendered: Report from South Africa

Mens work is alive and well in my current home of South Africa . The bulk of my work focuses on the Gender Education and Training Network (G ETNET ), for whom I have completed a series of mens gender sensitivity workshops in each of the nine provinces in the country. The works h ops grew out of a September 1996 meeting of GETNET trainers, at which it was recognized that if men were not involved in the struggle for gender equality, the goal of that struggle would n ever be realized. The main objectives of these workshops are to encourage the full participation of men in gender issues and to develop a pool of male gender activists to work for e quality within organizations and institutions . Each workshop has had its own interesting twists In the very rural and poor Northern Province , for example, all of the participants were black. One of the men warned at the end of the second day that he thought GETNET was targeting Africans arid seeking to "brainwash" them into giving up their culture in favor of ideas from the West. He confronted me with not having described how men treat women in the United States. After I assured him that abu se of women is a global problem , that it occurs in the United States , and that there have been many white participants at other GETNET worksho ps , he became very supportive-he even asked his union to promote more such trainings His reaction and similar responses felt like quite a coup, since many of the men at the wo rkshop were from some of the smaller tribes in South Africa , which have traditionally been more culturally conservative

.The neXt: phase of the work with GETNET will involve training so others will be empowered to run similar workshops Thus , for example, I co- facilitated a one-day workshop for male staff at the Development Bank of South Africa, and a three -day worksho p with an organization that does rural development.

Although in many ways the results from the workshops held so far have excee d ed expectations, there have also been many disappointments One workshop was cancelle d when only five of the expec ted 25 participants appeared Setbacks are discouraging, but not unexpected in a country struggling with so many other problems

Moreover , even the men who attend the

workshops will experience numerous setbacks as the y return to the environments that shaped their behaviors in the first place . Nevertheless, the works hops have left partie- · ipants with a much greater sense of hope that on ce men realize how much both genders have to gain from eliminating sexism, they will be eager to join the struggle Its worth noting also that a recent issue of the South African feminist journal Agenda is devo ted entirely to the topic "The New Men? " There is much in this issue to help nonsexist men network together

-Ira Horowitz

Ira Horowitz is a longtime member of the Men's Resource Center.

Dropping in on Meditation

Sitting on zafu pillows in the middle of a spacious room , yo ung people stopping by the Men's Resource Center after school on Wednesdays have an opportunity to learn about meditation and to talk about w hats going on in their lives. The group, open to yo ung men and women 14 to 19, is a part of the MRC's youth programs and is facilitated b y Adi Bemak, a stress reduction consultant, teacher and longtime meditator. "The teenage years are for many kids among the hardest ," Bemak said. "Meditation can be a great help .'' To learn more about the young people 's meditation group, contact Adi Bemak at (413) 253-7918.

Voice Male

Yoko Kato: Working to End "Silent Violence"

In Japanese , there are no word s to des c ribe the abuse that goes on behmd the walls of a fam ily's h o me, so the y call it "silent vio lence " In November, Yoko Kato returned to her native la nd to break the silence Her onewoman m1sswn to educate, and wo rk to eradicate domestic vio le n ce was b o rn out of the most excruciating of p erson al tragedies : five yea rs ago her da u ghter, Sherry, and grandson , Cednc , , were murdered by the toddler's fa ther.

For seventeen d ays, Yoko cri sscrossed japan, tailed b y te lev is ion producers and newspaper repo rte rs. most spotlighting d o mestic vio lence issue s fo r t he first time m the 1r proud , patriarchal society. Weighte d down on her JOUrney wi th packets of matenals from t he Men 's

Resource Center 's MOVE barterer interventio n program , case law supp lied by the Northwestern Dis t ric t Attorney 's office, and p o lice p ro toco ls provided by t h e chi ef's office in Northampton, Mass Yo ko was determined not to rest until her

country awoke to the sco urge tha t is d omestic vwlence Neve r far fro m h e r con sciousness 1s the m e m or y o f her lost family "She rry and Ced n c are my an gelsthey're gu1dmg me ," Yoko says "T h ey have n o voice so l have to be thei r voice."

To tha t end , Yoko ha s d evoted her life to speaking o u t to co mmunity group s, h osp ita l workers, b a r assoc ia ti ons , bu si n ess organizations , co lleges an d u m versit ies , churches, temples, an d anyo n e else wh o

Are you buried in STUFF?

Cluttered work spaces driving you crazy?

Files and bills out of c ontrol?

Closets overflowing?

G a rage a mess?

Impossible deadlines? call

By Rob Okun

will lis ten to her-from Massac husetts to japan

In October, Yoko received the Massac huse t ts Woman o f t h e Ye ar Award from the Massachusetts Federa ti on of Bu siness and Professional Wo men, and the Massac h use t ts Woma n o f Achievement Award from Governor Pa ul Ce llu cci for her ac tiv ism against domes ti c violence. Bringi n g informa tion abo ut h ow to pre-

ve nt d omes ti c violence is the focus of her en e rgies to d ay.

Sh e closely iden t i fi es wit h the victims of "s ilent viole n ce " - m os t o f whom are wo m en but als o recognizes th e vital ro le m e n h ave to p lay. To that end , s h e h as taken her s tand ag ainst this m alevo lent ep id emic from, a mong other ve nu es, a sp o t o n t h e Boa rd o f Directors o f t he Me n 's Cente r (MRC) . "Men m u s t do a ll they ca n to stop

domestic violence," Yoko believes . "The men at the MRC are doing their part every week so I've got to support them , to o ." "Every week " refers to the regular groups run by the organization's Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE ) in several locations in the region , includ ing the Hampshire County jail and House o f Corrections. Poised to begin its tenth ye a r of working with men acting abusively in their intimate relationships , MOVE 's approach of "compassionate confrontation" appeals to Yoko . "We have to change these men 's way of thinking, but we have to believe that they can change ."

Yoko's challenge in japan didn 't faze her, despite the obstacles . "There is no information on domestic violence in japanese bookstores ," Yoko reported . "There is no training for police officers They won 't intervene on domestic matters," still believing, she says, "that what goes on behind a family's closed doors is private ."

For many, japan's awakening to

bl f d · l · t e pro em o omestlc VlO ence m

their nation began a year ago when a courageous japanese documentary film producer came to the U.S. to do a film about domestic violence by telling Yoko's story The documentary included powerful footage of men in a MOVE group talking to Yoko about their histories with violent and abusive behavior. After the film crew returned to japan, Yoko says she gained some insight into how resistant the malecontrolled japanese media is to acknowledging "silent violence." Yoko was told to speak on camera in English only, despite her fluency in her native tongue . "They didn 't want women to identify too closely with me," Yoko says , "and speaking English instead of japanese kept me one step removed from the women ."

Yoko reported that while there are a few battered women's shelters in the country, no one goes because they are too ashamed. In 1995, the most recent year in which figures were available, 101 women and 138 children were killed. In a survey conducted in the past year, of the women

A j apanese newspaper wanted a photo of Yo ko sur ro unded by men. h

who agreed to participate one in three said they had been beaten by their husbands ·or male partners. "But so many more wouldn't even talk to the survey taker," Yoko said.

Just days before she left, two Japanese newspapers contacted Yoko requesting she supply them Wlth aphotograph of herself surrounded by a group of men from the MRC. When asked why, Yoko replied, "lnJapan men make all the decisions To see a woman in the center of a meeting as an equal with men is unheard of." The sexism that defines so mucr of Japanese society was under Yoko's careful scrutiny during her stay, but she says she was heartened by the level of support she felt from her Japanese ststers and some male alhes

In her packet from the Men 's Resource Center was a letter from executive director Steven Botkin, written to men and women interested in seeing work similar to that being undertaken by the MRC replicated in Japan It read in part:

"We are very happy that you are interested m our work here m the United States We know there is much we can learn from each other We see a tremendous need for leadership that supports men, individually and collectively, to change our relationships away from rigidity. domination and abuse, and toward liberation. equality and non-violence . Over the past 16 years the Men 's Resource Center has been doing this work. It is the dual nature of our mission - supporting men and challenging violence - that is o ne of the most baste mgredients of our success By putting these two goals together men can feel respected and involved in changing the harmful conditions of our lives We very much want to support your work in Japan I hope the information we are sending with Yoko Kato will be helpful to you

With Yoko as an ambassador for the MRC, the prospects, of men and women working as allies to end domestic violence seems a little more attamable For those who wish to acknowledge Yoko's work contributions can be made to the Memorial Scholarship Fund of Sherry Morton and her son Cedric, do Fashions by Yoko , 231 Main St. , Northampton, Mass. 01060

A Men's Resource Center in New Mexico "If We Build It, They Will Come"

By Paul Zelizer

came to Taos in 1993, drawn by the

Ibeauty of th e place and its people. I was excited by the richness of its culture and history I also notice d the paradox of ,violence in such a magical setting . There were flyers posted around town for a woman who was missing. She was never found . Shortly thereafter, another woman was found in the hills near Taos, brutally raped and murdered .

Before I came to Taos , I had been deeply involved in the Mens Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. I was a staffmember in Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE), the MRCs batterer treatment program. I was also on the steering committee. Once here, I started to dream about starting a Mens Resource Center in northern New Mexico .

In 1995. Carlos Arguello invit ed m e to join a new mens group We agreed that we wanted a group that "lo oke d like Taos ." The population of Taos is roughly 55 percent Hispanic, 37 percent Anglo, 5 percent Native American, and 3 percent "Other." Past mens groups in Taos were mostly white

Our diverse group met for a yea r and a half. We shared our histories, supported each other through good and hard times, and learned about the gender training men get. Then we each got busy with other things and stopped me e ting.

In the fall of 1997, Carlos and 1 reconnected. We brought in Brian Sanchez, another member of our disbanded group, and decided that northern New Mexico needed a more organized resource center for men We also agreed that this center w.ould have three equa lly Imp orta nt purposes: to build a multicultural men 's community, to build m ore suppo rt fo r men in northern New Mexico, and to address mens violence

This was scary for us People like to deny that racism exists here, or that there are conflicts among the regions three strong and vis ible cultures, but we knew that relationships among these cultures are often .tense. While we saw a real need for more support for men , we knew that there is a strong emphasis on individuality here . Finally, we knew that mens v io lence is a

serious problem . New Mexico is rankeq number two in the natio n in sexua l assa ult rates. Domestic violence, child ab use, and violent crime rates are also high The problems seemed overwhelming at times; during the time we. met a highly respected community member killed his wife and himself.

We asked each other: what if there were more support for men? Could a Mens Resource Center help pre vent other men from perpetrating such·violence? Would other men respond as positively as we had? We decided to try We half-jokingly repeated to each other, "If we build it, they will come."

We approached Community Against Violence, the local battered women$ andrape crisis organization. We talked, listened to each o ther, shared ideas. They became excited and agreed to sponsor us while we got started . They also h e lp ed us get a small grant from the sta te . With those monies, we asked the Mens Resource Center of Western Massa chus e tts to design a training for us Rather than reinvent the wheel, we wanted to learn from its 16 years of experience. The MRC training included 16 men and 12 "wo men as allies ." We shared personal s tories. We learned about racism and sexism. We b onded. Our center was b orn.

In January 1998 our Youth Education Pro gram began with workshops on "Respect and Abuse in Relationships ," "Sexual Harassment ," "Healthy Masculinity," and "Date Rape ." More than 650 youth and adults have attended to date

In June , we began offering a Drop-In Support Group. Sixteen men came the first night! As a result of group demand, we have gone from a twice -a-mo nth format to every week.

Our Men Overcoming Violence Program works as a follow-up group fo r men who complete basic batterers' treatment and helps explore ways to improve a coordina ted response to battering

We also do trainings and spons o r even ts such as October's "Celebration of Men in Northern New Mexico ."

continued on page 12

What's a Nice Feminist Like Me Doing in a Place Like This?

Believing That Abusive Men Can Change

In 1985, I took a job as the hotline coordinator for a battered women:S shelter in Burlington , Vermont. This job was a profound expression of m y commitment and politics as a feminist. I had been a women:S studies major in co llege and had worked after co llege in a feminist health clinic The epidemic of male violence against women and children greatly distressed me and I was grateful for the opportunity to actually do something abou t it.

We received hundreds of calls a year from women who were virtual hostages in relationships where they were physically and emononally a bused and violated, economically disemp owered and spiritually undermined every single day of their lives . Whatever innocence l had I lost at that job . I heard the mos t horrible stories of the outrageous violations that women suffered at the hands of their partners I heard about children who were sexually abused by their fathers , step-fathers or boyfriends My heart ached and raged for these women and their children. Our organizations mandate was clear-to help these women know that they did not deserve to be treated this way by anyone , that it wasn't their fault and that we were here to help them get free

In my organization, and in the battered women$ movement in general in the mideighties , the prevailing attitude about barterers was cut and dried These were men who benefited profoundly from their power and control over the women and children in thetr lives . The prospect that these men would be willing to give up that power, to transform their abuse and enter into more egalitarian relationships with their family · members, was extremely unlikely Why would an abuser, who is getting everything he wants from his ability to dominate his partner through control and fear, ever want to change the power dynamics of his relationship? Batterers had too much to gain from being abusive. We believed that most abusers wouldn 't stop their abuse unless they were incarcerated Batterers' programs were a lost cause-and a waste of valuab le resources that should be going to the battered women's movement instead In addition, these programs gave women false and dangerous abou t their relationships.

We felt it was our responsibility to warn the women we worked with that the chances of their batterer becoming nonabusive were so slim that they most likely wo uld need to leave the relationship if they wanted an abuse-free life.

Back then, if someone had told me that in a decade I wou ld be working in a batterers' intervention program, wi th former batterers as colleagues whom I respect and

admire , and that I would b e a s tau nch believer in the ability of some abusive men to profoundly transform themselves into non-violent men, I probably would have been very insulted. Or mayb e l would have laughed Certainly, l would have inet a prediction with ext reme disbelief. But here I am, in m y seventh year as the parmer services coordinator for the Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) at the Men's Resource Center. And yes, I do believe with all my heart that a batterer who dedicates himself comp letely to a h ealing process, who is willing to take full responsibi lity for his abuse , leaving no sto n e untumed, and who is prepared to make a long- term ment to getting help is capable of changing his attitudes. his behavior, his relationships, his entire life . This kind of profound c hange doesn't happ en for the majority of the men who walk through our program doors. Some of the men make some changes, som e make · none at all But this transformation does happen I have seen it. I have met these men I have talked to their partners and I know it

is possible

How did I get to this place , this new way of looking at men who are abusive? To arrive here , I had to be willing to reexamine and rework some of the core paradigms that have shaped my analysis of domestic violence. I had to trust that I could hold on to my feminist politics, my understanding of sexism and nusogyny and its devastating impact on women and children, and still make room for another truth - the truth of men's distorted development and behavior in a sexis t , gendered culture , and the damage that this has created for men I had to embrace the truth that abusive men (and all men) both simultaneously benefit from and are hurt by the ways males are socialized in our society I began to believe that abusive men are truly capable of change And that it is in their best interest to change, not only their behavior, but their whole idea about what it means to be a man

In 1991 , I had the opportunity to meet and interview a Northampton couple, Scott and Nancy Girard, for a public television special I was working on with my partner We wanted to do a feature on domestic violence that showed what can happen whenan abuser takes responsibility for his behavior and seeks help. Scott had been attending the MOVE program for about a year, and both he and his wife were courageous enough to allow us to mterview them for a nationally broadcast television show. During my meeting with Nancy, I realized how important it was that she be able to talk to other women whose partners were going through the MOVE program From that meeting , the idea of services for parrners at MOVE was born.

When I established the Parmer Services component of MOVE in the fall of 1992 , Nancy joined the first parrners ' group Six years later, the group still meets . During that time , dozens of women have had a safe and supportive place to talk about their relations hips, how they and their chi ldren have been affected by the abuse and whether their can really make substantive changes. I've seen many of these women leave their relationships after rea lizing that their parmers could not stop being abusive or controlling, even with the interve ntion of

MOVE Partn er Services Coordina tor Sara Elinoff

the MOVE program. And I have seen other women whose relationships were transformed and healed .

Over the years that I've been working at MOVE , some of my ideas about batterers and battering have been challenged . One of the basic paradigms that I have begun to question is the idea that batterers only benefit from being able to maintain control in their relationships. Certainly, on many levels, batterers do benefit from maintaining the abuse . But how can someone "benefit," on 1 the deepest level , when his children are afraid of him, when his wife has withdrawn completely from him, when his marriage is disintegrating, when his tendency towar:d ' violence alienates his coworkers , or gets him arrested , or lands him in jail? How can men "benefit" when their abusiveness has resulted in a higher incidence of heart disease, alcoholism, depression and suicide? On the most fundamental human level an abuser does not benefit from being abusive All of the gains received by being abusive come with an enormous price tag for the people he loves and for himself.

Domestic violence literature describes batteters as being all-powerful , manipulative and entitled. On one level this is true . But something else is going on as well , which has more to do with fear than with power In order to understand the complexity of the dynamics of battering, we must be willing to I maintain akind of "double viSiOn " -to simultaneously hold two ideas that seem contradictory but ultimately are not .

The abuse, the control, the power-over tactics, the explosive anger, are all part of a programmed repertoire of masculinity that has caused immense damage to women and children . Yet these behaviors also hurt men . It is a mask of behaviors and attitudes that often obscures a very different reality- a reality of someone who may feel so isolated, so afraid of his vulnerability and locked into a damaging construct of masculinity that the only way he can cope IS by overpowering others As young boys, males in our culture are quickly taught lessons about how to cope with fear vulnerability and the threat of violence The solution prescribed by our culture is for them to "get tough"-to dominate others or risk being dominated There is an essential 'link between an inner experience of powerlessness and the development of power-over behavior.

Working with batterers requires an ability

Executive director Steven Botkin, left, and associate director Rob Okun, prepare to hang the MRC's new sign at the open house for the mens cen : ter's new budding. ,

Open House

Septemb e r 12, 199 8

State representative Ellen Story, top right, and Carol Wallace, left, executive director of the Everywoman's Center were among the speakers at dedication ceremonies

continued from page 9

A Men's Center in New Mexico: "If We Build It, They Will Come"

Our work is just beginning and we have much to learn still about building a multicultural men's community. Mens violence remains a very serious problem. We are still engaged in dialogue abou t appropriate responses.

In less than a year, the Men s Resource Center of Northern New Mexico has grown from an idea into a strong, active presence in our communi ty. The reward for our work is the look in the eyes of a man leaving a support group saying, "that was incredible ." Its knowing we are creating a healthier, less violent masculinity for our young people. And it is satisfying to do this work in one of the most culturally rich, creative, unique , violent, bea,utifu l , and impoverished communities in the country. Paul Zelizer; former steering committee and staff member of the MRC of Western Massachusetts, is currently director of the . MRC of Northern New Mexico.

Dedication

State repres

Steve Kulik; and Ellen Story, left in center, and State Sen Stan Rosenberg, right , unveil the MRCsign.

"Macho," Mongo, and the Men's

Inevita b ly, we t ry to envi sion t he next centu ry Will there b e a "men's movement " in twenty ye ars, when my son [Cl emente] is an a dul t? Will it someday alienate and exclude Clemente , the way i t h as alienated and excluded me? The countercultu r e ca n b e as exclusive and elitist as th e mainstream : to be kept out of b oth is a supreme frus tra tion I d o not expe ct the men 's movement to add ress its own raCism m depth The self-co ngratulatory tone of that m ovement drowns out any significant self- criticism I only wish that the men:S movement

wouldn't be s o proud of

ns own ignorance Th e blatant exp ro priation of Native American symbols and ri t u als by c ertam factions of the m ove ment leaves m e with a twi tch in my face Wha t sh ould Puert o R1can men d o in resp ons e t o this colonizing definiti on of maleness , p articularly considering the pre sence o f our indi geno us Taino blo od?

I remem ber watch-

ing one such men 's movement ritual, on

public tele vision I b elie ve , and beco ming in furi ated be caus e the lead drummer couldn 't k eep a beat. I imagined myself cloistered in a tent with some Angl o acc ountant from the suburb s of New J erse y wh o wa s stripped t o th e wais t and whacking a drum with no re gard for rhythm , difference being that I could he ar Mongo Santama ri a in my head, and he couldn 't. r am torn between h oping that t h e men 's moveme n t reforms itself b y the tim e my son reac hes adulthood or th at it assim ilate s . Its language go ing the way of Esperan to

An other hab it of language which I hope is extinct by the time Clemente reaches adultho od is the Anglo use of the "ma cho " Before this term into

use to define sexism and violence, no particular ethnic or racial group was i mplicated by language itself. "Macho," especially as employed by Anglos, is a Spanish word that particularly seems to identify Latino male behavior as the very standard of sexism and violence . This c onnection , made by Anglos both intuitivel y and explicitly, then justifies a host of repressive measures against Latino males, as our presence on the honor roll of many a jail and 1prison will attest. Sometimes, of course, the perception of macho volatility turns deadly. I remember, at age fifteen, hearing about a friend of my father:S, Martin "Tito " Perez, who was "suicided" in a New York City jail cell A grand jury determined that it is possible for a man to hang himself with his hands cuffed behind him

W):lile Latino male behavior is, indeed , all too often sexist and violent, Latino males in this country are in fact no worse in this regard than their Anglo counterparts. Arguably,

European and European -American males have set the world standard for violence in the twentieth century, from the Holocaust to Hiroshima to Vietnam.

Yet, any assertiveness on the part of Latin o males , especially any form of resistance to Anglo 'authority, is labeled "macho " and instantly discredited. I recall one occasion, working for an "alternative " radio station in Wisconsin, when I became involved in a protest over the station's refusal to air a Spanish-langu age program for the local Chicano community. When a meeting was held tb deb ate the issue, the protestors, myself included, became frustrated and staged a walkout. The meeting went on without us , and we later learned that we were defended, ironically enough, by someone

who saw us as acting "macho ." "It's their culture," this person explained apologetically to the gathered liberal intelligentsi a. We got the program on the air

Excerpted from "The Puert o Rican Dummy and the Merciful Son," in Zapat a:S Disciple: Essays by Martin Es pada (Cambridge, MA: South End Pres s).

Copyright 1998 by Martin Espada . Used with permission.

Acti vist and poe t Martin Espada

Against the-Wall: From Russia to Wyoming

Inever knew my maternal grandparents. They died when my mother was eight, in 1920 or 1921 , during the Russian civil war. My grandfather died of typhoid fever , not uncommon in those times My grandmother's death · was also not rare : she was murdered in a pogrom. This was part of my family mythology. I knew from an early age how my grandmother died , and the simple reason : she was a jew, and jews were often targets of sudden, savage violence. Then, in my twenties, another startling fact emerged . One sunny Sunday after! · noon, during a family party in our backyard, my mother's older sister asked , almost casually, "Frances, do you remember when we were lined up against a wall to be shot? "

I was stunned, but the story came out with little apparent emotion . Sometime before the attack that killed their mother, the two girls were part of a group that was swept up in another attack As they were standing against the wall , so the story went , someone knocked over an oil lamp, which started a fire , and in the confusion they escaped. By such a slim margin did I come to exist.

My grandmother was a victim of what we now call a "hate crime " By losing her, my mother and her sisters were victims as welL At the time , though , it wasn 't a crime. On the contrary. For many centuries, across Europe and in czarist Russia, killing jews was condoned , even encouraged by civil and religious authorities My parents told me that during the Russian civil war the czarist forces encouraged the Cossacks (for jews , the equivalent of the Ku Klux Klan) to kill jews as a sort of reward for fighting on the anti-Communist side Until the middle of this century, the Roman Catholic Church held to the doctrine that the jews were collect ively responsible for the killing of Christ. a teaching that often led directly to pogroms inst igated from the pulpit. The Holocaust , then, was not an aberration ; it was the logical conclusion , the systematization of what had gone on before

The recent -killings obn AfricanAmerican man in Texas , gay man in Wyoming , and an abortion provider in New York, and the calls for action against hate crimes led me to think of my family history and what it might tell me about these terrible acts. Is there any connection between the events of 1921 and those of 1998?

As the grandson of a hate-crime victim,, I want to see instigators held responsible for the crimes their words encourage.

My answer speaks to those who would say that there are already laws on the books against murder and harassment, that laws against hate crimes are unnecessarily redundant. There is a reluctance on some lawmakers' part to single out these crimes based on motivation As I consider m y grandmothers death, I realize that what makes her killing different from an "ordinary" murder is no.t the motivation, but the approval that her killers expected from their superiors, perhaps from their church , and certainly from their compatriots Hate crimes are crimes of ideology J'hey are crimes encouraged , perhaps even by others European antiSemitism was accepted, taught, promoted b y people in authority. In a word, hate crimes are political, in the same way that acts of terrorism are politicaL Today, the perpetrators of hate crimes hear the voices of the so-called Christian Right, and those conservatives in government who kowtow to them, railing against homosexuality as a crime against God and nature . They hear not only the neo-Nazis but supposedly mainstream politicians attacking affirmative action as conferring privilege on people of color They hear the antiabortion movement verbally assaulting conscientious women's health providers as "baby killers ." When the rhetoric is full of rage, when people in authority the dehumanization of those with whom they disagree , is it

any wonder that some who hear them act out that rage on those they have demonized?

As the grandson of a hate-crime victim, I want to see such instigators held responsible for the crimes that their words encourage As a civil libertarian, however, I know that censorship or punishment of speech is a danger to us alL I'm left with two responses that seem appropriate Both are political responses to an essentially political challenge First, I believe that laws against hate crimes do serve a purpose In the passage of such laws, and in their investigation and prosecution, we speak collectively as a society to deny the approval that perpetrators expect. Second, hate speech needs to be consistently and thoroughly confronted whenever and wherever it occurs. I was glad to hear that the Christian Coalition condemned the Wyoming killing, but that doesn't get them off the hook Their con_ tinuing diatribe the gay community must be exposed for the instigation to violence that it is . Anti-immigrant and antidiversity rhetoric demands a similar response We must not silence such speech by law, but we may be able to transform it tprough dialogue or, if necessary, shame it into oblivion. Never again should racist or homophobic or misogynistic incitement go unchallenged.

The terrible news is that these crimes happen and will continue to happen, until we can stop those who create the political opening for such things to happen. There is good news, though : we can name the victims . In earlier times, no one could name all the victims of hateinspired violence No one kept a list of all the African Americans who died at the hands of the Klan, or of the gays and lesbians killed by the ·Nazis, or of the numberless generations of jews who suffered before the Holocaust. The fact that, at least in this country, we know the names of todays victims is a sign that these crimes are rarer than in those earlier times. But we cannot rest until there are no more names to add to the list, until no one need wonder what happened to his or her grandparent.

On Be ing Bisexual

Everybody knows two things about being bisexual : no one is ; everyone is . I know o ne t hmg: I a m . I'll co me to that m a momen t. F1rst , a few words a bout what everyb ody knows . No one is bis exua l. It's a dodge , a scam . It 's a way for gay me n an d wo men to hide behind the security and privileges of the straight world O r, conversely, 1t all ows st raig h t men and women to mdulge t he1r secret same-sex fa nta sies and still go home to their unknowmg spouses Bas ically, we are ei ther gay or stra1ght . m the closet or o ut. we are creatu res o f our biology and our geneti c makeup

Everyone is bisexual. The famou s Kinsey Sca le has "0 " at on e en d and "6" at the other. A "0 " is abso lutely s traight , without the slight es t interes t in or inclination toward same -sex re lauo nships A ''6" is utterly gay, without any Interest in o r mclination towa rds heterosexuality. These are t he limiting conditio n s, which ve r y few people fall in to. In between are all the ls. 2s , 3s , 4 s and 5s- vmuall y all of us . The ls and 2s may be secure m the1r heterosexuality but occas iona lly -experience same-sex fantasies or curiosi ties . The 5s are h a ppily les bi an or gay but acknowledge some fee lings for the opposite sex In the middl e , 3s and 4 s find themse lves pulled m two directions simultaneously ; for some t his 1s a delight., for others a source of angmsh

I think we sh ou ld put all of tha t aside So me peop le are stra igh t , wnhout any interest m same -sex rela tionship s or actJ Vlties , bm there are lots of ways o f b eing s traight. Si milarly; some peop le are gay, but there are lo ts of ways of being gay, lots of variat ion in gay sexuality

Some pe op le are bisexual, and 1 am one of them Bxsexuals have the ca pa c1ty to be aroused by, and oft en the desire to enjoy bemg sexu al With , bo th men and women That re ah zano n wh1ch occurred toward th e e nd of my fift h deca de , clarified a lot · of my perso n al h1story Miraculously, when I rea li zed it , a debilitating sk m conditio n whi ch h ad been painful for over te n yea rs disappeared. It meant that the co ping s trategies l had devised dunng thos e ea rli er epochs in my life-when 1 first was asexua l becau se 1 feared wha t sex might say about me, when my first great ado les-

ce nt pass wn fo r a boy to ld me what nobod y wa nt ed to hear , when m y marriage all owed me to imagin e myse lf s tr aight , and wh en as my marriage b eca me troubled and then dis so lved, I tried unsuccessfully to be gay-we re all ways o f hiding my tru e nature from myself. I am n o t straight. I am not gay. 1 am bisexua l. Fo r me , at leas t , that does n o t mean that 1 am pulled m two directio n s; I am not confused about my sexual o ri entation (I think I ca n say that confi dently, having hved in confus ion a nd deceit ab out it for over half a ce ntury. ) It does mean that 1 have some choices to make, not about my sexuality, but abo ut how it exp resses itself.

For the past two years 1 have participated in support grou ps at the Men 's Resource

Ce nte r. The first was designed sp ecifica lly for bisex ual men T he seco nd is for gay an d bisexual men , trarisge ndered indi vi duals , an d men qu est ion ing their own sexuality. These grou p s hav e been imp o rtant to me ; for the first time in my life I have been co mfortable among men (I eve n survived the sh ock of dis covering that gay men , too, watch fo o tball. ) Both gro up s amp ly illustrate the ways ·in which b isexu alit y ex presses itse lf. Some bis exu al participants have been or are married; so me sp ouses kn ow abo ut and othe rs do not know about their husbands ' sex u ality. So me men h ave left marnages but retain stro n g fee lings of love for thei r former wives w hile n ee ding space to figur e out the new direction the ir lives should take Some h ave decided on thi s ne w direct ion and have ch osen to live as gay men. Many li ve with th e pain of knowing that th ey hav e caused pain in

loved ones Some li ve with th e fear that they may some day ca u se pain.

Some bis exual men need to have sex, but not an emotional relatio n shi p, wi th both men and women . O thers find themselves open to sex and/or re la ti ons h ip wi th either men or women but do not ne ed both at the sa me time. So me bisexuals clearly differentiate the e mot ional component o f their s exu ality from the physica l and find that the first lea ds them in one direction and the second in the other.

Like everybody else, b isexual men ex p erience ebbs and o f th e ir sexua l dri ves and needs Lik e everybody else, bisexual men have mixe d success in ma ste ring their sexua l energy Like ever ybody else, bisexual men have lives , i nte rests, and ta len ts that are not at all relate d to their sexuality.

That last point seems very important to me, but I am not sure th at all of th e fri end s I have mad e through the MRC supp ort groups would agree . Some gay men have a strong desire to live in a gay co mmunity. l ca n understand this as a reaction to th e historical and current o ppression o f gay men and women , and s in ce I love being with gay men and women and si n ce my cultural interes ts intersect wi th theirs, I a m very grateful that there is a gay community I co nsider m yse lf a s trong supporter But not a m ember

And I am n ot a member o f a bisexua l community, but I ca n try to imagine one that I would like to join It wou ld include both men and wo men. It wouid be safe and confidential. It wo uld be com fortably intergenerational , providing suppo rt for those at both ends of th e age spectrum who most need it. Its va lu es wou ld b e ' centered in feminism: nurturan ce, e mp a th y, mutu ality. And it would be confidently queer, celebrating the p os iti ve and li feenhancing values o f sexu al diversi ty. Such a community is n eeded Without it , We are se en by some of our gay and lesbian friends as too ea sily pa ssing for straight , too gratefully accepting the privileges of the domin ant culture. By some straights, we are seen as willing to engage sexu ally with "anything th at mo ves" (as th e title of the one national bisexu al ma gazi n e ironically suggests) and as transmitters of STDs At a time when gays and le sbians are increasingly open and confident about

their sexuality. b1sexuals are still largely hidden and sec retlve

Heterosexual privilege is a terrible and heavy burden Many bisexuals find themselves unable to be true and open with those they love best. Many find that furtive enco unters are still the only outlets available to satisfy their sa me-se x needs Those things that every body knows , with wh ich 1 began this essay, serve to hide us from ourselves

I am 65 For me , acknowledging my sexuality later in life has been a great blessing. I sometimes speculate abou t what path my life might have taken had eve n

the concept of bisexuality been ava ilable to me in my twenties But I do not reg ret the path that it did take 1 do not regre t my marriage and 1 surely do not regret my children Curious ly, my feelings for women, both emo tional and physica l , have become richer and deeper sin ce I no longer have to hide my emo tional and physical responses to men My sexuality has grown stronger, but it has also ta ken a more balanced and manageable place in my life.

Recently I have begun to wear around my neck a silver yi n-yang pendant. This

ancient emblem has always seemed to me to be the perfect symbol for bisexuality, where the interpenetration and fusion of opposites-the masculine and feminine , the-

AND gay and the straight , the active and passive crea tes wholeness, unity, integrity

Aspiring toward these qualities requires openness, the integration of the personal and the public, the acceptance of responsibilit y for the trajectory of one's life as we ll as the willingness t o let go of the n eed to control that trajectory

Like all men, I h ave a choice, both whether to and h ow to express my sexua lity To the extent th a t I express mine through relationships with women , I am perhaps too easily allowing m yself to be identified as straight . So another reason I wear a yin-yang pendant is to remind myself that I am not straight . Rather, I belong to a qu eer community, a community of men and women who are not so much nonconforming as self-affirming ,

who have different sexualities and different ways of expressing them . I invi te o ther bisexuals to join this community, in which

we pledge ourselves to mutual support an d

to participating in one another's growth

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Father Hunger

Journalist and activi st Mumia Abu-jamal has been on Pennsylvania's death row for a decade and a half He is accused of killi,ng a Philadelphia police officer in a co ntroversial case that has attracted a worldwide outpouring of support for the imprisoned writer. A father himself, he writes here of memories of hi s own fath er. ·

It has been over t hree decades since I have looked into his face , but I find him now, sometimes hidden , in the glimpse of a mirror He was short of stature, shorter than I at ten years, fully, smoothly bald , with a face the color of walnu ts He walked with a slight limp, and smoked cigars , usually Phillies . Although short , he wasn't slight, but powerfully built with a thick, though not fat, form. His voice was d eep, with the accents of the South wrappe d around each word , sweet and sticky like molasses.

Often his words tickled his sons , and they tossed them among themselves like prizes found in the depths of a Crakerjack box , word s wo ndrou s in their newness , their rarity, their difference from all others .

"Boys ! Cut out that tusslin ', heah me?" And the boys would stop their rass lin ', their b ellies near bursting with swallowed, swollen laughter, the word vibrating sotto voce in thier throats : "Tusslin'-tusslin'-tu sslin'-tusslin'! Tus slin'! " For days - for weeks- these silly little boys had a new toy and, with this one word, red u ced eac h other to teary-eyed fi ts of fall-on-the-floor laughter "Tusslin'!"

He was a relative ly old man when he seeded these sons, over fifty, a,n d because of his age , he was openly affectionate in a way unusual for a man of his time He 18

kissed them , dressed them, and taught the m , by example , that he loved them. He talked with them . And walked with them. · And walked and walked and walked with them .

"Daaad! I wanna riiide!," I whined

"It ain't good for you to ride so much, boy. Walkin' is good for ya . good exercise for ya."

Deca des later, I would hear that same whine from one of my sons , and my rep ly would echo my

His eyes were the eyes of age, so discolored by time they seemed blueish, but there was a perpetual twinkle of joy in them, of love and living He lived just over a decade into his son's and his untimely death from illness left holes in the soul.

Without a father, I sought and found father-figures like Black Panther Captain Reggie Schell, Party Defense Minister Huey P. Newton , and indeed, the Party itself, which, in a period of utter void, taught me , fed me, and made me part of a vast and militant family of revolutionaries Many good men and women r became my teachers, my mentors, and my examples of a revolutionary idealZayd Malik Shakur, murdered by police when Assata was wounded and taken, and Geronimo ji jaga (a k.a Pratt) who commanded the Party 's L.A chapter with distinction and defended it from deadly state attacks until his imprisonment as a victim of a frame-up arid judicial repression-Geronimo, torn from his family and children and separated from them for a quarter of a century.

Here in death row, in the confined sub-stratum of a society where every · father is childless , and every man fatherless , those of us who have known the bond of father-son love may at least relive it in our minds, perhaps even draw strength from it. Those who have notthe unloved-find it virtually impossible to love. They live alienated from everyone around them , at war even with their own families

Here in this manmade hell , there are countless young men bubbling with bitter hatreds and roiling resentments

against their absent fathers Several have taken to the o dd habit of calling me "Papa ," an endearment whose irony escapes them. ·

It has never escaped me I realize that I live amidst a generation of young men drunk not only with general loneliness , but with the particular, gnawing anguish of father-hunger I had my own father ; later I had the Party, and Geronimo ; Dlebert , Chuck, Mike, Ed, and Phil ; Sundiata, Mutulu , and other oldheads like myself. Who have they?

Yet for a long time I resisted the nicknarpe · I resented being "Papa" to young men I didn 't know, while being deniedby decree of state banishment-the opportunity to be a father to the children of my own flesh and heart. My sons were babies when I was cast into this hell, and no number of letters, cards, or phone calls can ever heal the wounds that they and their sisters have suffered over the long , lonely years of separation

I was al so in denial. For who was the oldhead they were calling? Certainly not me? It took a trip , a trek to the shiny, burnished steel mirror on the wall, where I found my father's face staring back at me , to recognize reality I am he and they are me

Ex ce rpted from "Death Blossoms : Reflections from a Prisoner of Conscience ," by Mumia Abu-jamal (Plough Publishing Hous e). Copyright 199Z Reprinted with permission .

Im prisoned writer-activist Mumia Abu-jamal

·Situation Critical, Prognosis Guarded Men's

Health Services Around

the World

Where$ a man to turn, if he'd like to visit a "men's health specialist"? This question has occupied me in the past yea r as I traveled and surveyed the men s health landscape in the United States and the United Kingdom, and in meetings and conversations with men from Canada and Australia What follows is a personal account of my discoveries from these travels

Trad it ionally, a man is seen by his mternist or family practitioner, who might refer him to a variety of specialists for particular conce rns; for example, a urologist for urinary/genita l problems , a cardiologist for the heart , a dermatologist for the skin . The urol ogist comes closest to a men's. health speCialist , given the importance of our genitals , but thats still o nly a piece of us Also, each physician's interest, sensitivity, and tr ammg m .male health is quite individual, regard les of count ry or specialty of practice However, the interest in mens health is growing, and slowly this branch of medicine is being recogn ized and entering the main" s trea m

Most contacts with hospitals have put me m touch with female physicians who have a sincere interest in improving care for men From th e lesso ns of the womens health movement , I have found many of th ese fema le physicians very gender astute , and eager to see positive change in mens services However, while the positive model of women's health centers exists in countless se ttings, the idea of a central source of male health serv ices remains in its infancy

The notion of a "mens health center " is q uite new, and n ot Ame rican m origin. It bega n m Glasgow m 1984 , when the United Ki n gd om s first "Well-Men Clinic" opened The idea began to grow, and nurseS and mid wives in particular picked up the cause . Professionals throughout the country-with one-fifth the U.S population, and an area smaller than Oregon-networked and lobbied effective ly, wi nning government support The National Health Service (NHS) in 19 90 provided di rect funding for the ereano n of addi tional Well-Men Clinics However, promotional efforts were qua te, pub lic response was weak , and the NHS pulled the plug two years later Now it 's left to independent physicians, but , while a few have continued, the momentum is Voice Male

gone. One area of continuing support is mens sexuality I spent time with Alan Wood, a sexual health coordinator, paid by the NHS and doing very progressive mens health work throughout England. It's an outgrowth of the 1983 "Men Too" campaign of the Family Planning Association. However, if he leaves his job, it's questionable whether his role would be continued. No one offered evidence of any serious organizing to promote the furtherance of men's health services in the United Kingdom.

The Australian experience is a bit different. They have kept mens health alive at the policy level, although they h ave the same poor showing at the clinic leve l. Convening annual conferences, directing government · agencies to develop policy statements, et cetera, has maintained an integrative national dialogue However, here, too , there has not been the follow-through in services, and innovative government support has been short-lived Canada lags behind even this

In the United States, Dr Ken Goldberg took the lead in 1989, forming the Male Health Center in Dallas His is a "whole man" approach to care , and his center h as not only qualified male-sensitive medical staff, but educators and cou nselors as we ll He has extended his work into the co mmunity and the work site, has a mobile men 's health screening van, performs ongoing research, and writes and speaks regularly He remains an outspoken advocate for men 's · health needs, and has developed a model that deserves to be replicated Unfortuna tely, progress has been extremely slow

An illustration : A year ago I visited Celebration Health, a new state-of- the-art medical facility in Celebration, Florida, the planned community Disney built. I was there to discuss mens health But in this amazing higli-tech , consumer-oriented co mplex of in-patient and out-patient services, cardiac rehab and fitne ss center, dental servfces, and even a women's health center, there was nothing and no one with a partic'\}lar focu!i upon men Indeed , even with all their mol)ey, brain power, and co rporate and government support, mens health was never factored in!

The late 1990s has seen men 's h ealth

issues getting more public attention, with, for example, regular media features on prostate cancer, Viagra and male impotence, and consumer books with names like The Black Man's Guide to Good Health , The Diabetic Man , The Gay Men's Wellness Guide, and The People's Medical Society Men:S Health and Wellnes s Encyclopedia. However, the m e dical corpmuriity is lagging behind .

I've yet to discover any significant mens h ea lth content in medical schools, but then I ' · nutrition, aging , and wellness haven't been common topi cs in most until fairly recently either A growing number of specialty centers do exist, but primarily in large urban areas (like New York and Boston), and with an emphasis on reproductive and urological health . · This focus is understandable -given the history of medica l training, the technical orientation of h ea lth care, and insurance reimbursement for these services While efforts are beco ming more expansive, holistic practice hasn 't caught on Interestingly, the first U. S. conference on men 's health in No ve mber 1996 had only three dozen attendees Another planned in Philadelphia for june 1999 may b e more successful. . The 16-year j ourney of the Men's Resource Center demonstrates the challenges and benefits of long-term organizing, and of holding on to a vision Regarding men 's h ea lth, there's still a long road ahead for ourse lves and our brothers internationally We are on our way, though. With men be co ming more informed health consumers, the media's continuing interest in our medical iss ues , an d the demand for bet ter cost management ; there is a place for compreh en sive, preventive services that address male h ealth . While medical schools will have to catch up , it's important that we insist on responsible health care that understands and cares about our male bodies and live s .

So what are the chances of finding a men's health ce nter in your area soon? Admittedly, rather poor The situation is se rious, and the prognosis guarded. But research is continuing Have hope

joe Zaske is Voice Male health columnist.

Notes from Survivors A Dictionary Not Just for Male Survivors

For a variety of reasons , men who are survivors of abuse and trauma rarely publicly discuss either their histories or current issues This fact is especially true when the abuse includes sexual assault , incest and rape. Why? Because our culture has so heavily stigmatized the idea of the male victim. When men who have been sexually assaulted are alluded to publicly, it is often done in a joking manner And if a minor or major celebrity goes to prison, there are often derisive comments and winking allusions to the man becoming somebody's "girl" or "wife " during his stay It is not so much that society is unaware that male survivors exist as much as our collective, cultural decision to ignore and deride what actually happened to these men

Partly because the culture at large refers to male survivors in this indirect, often smug way, and partly because men who have been traumatized beginning in childhood have a fundamentally different understanding of human relationships , it is often difficult for survivors to communicate well with their supporters, families, friends and caregivers To address this need, the Men's Resource Center began offering public workshops on being a male survivor of abuse , on being an abusive man , and on being a supporter and counselor to both types of men

The initial presentation was made at Hampshire College in 1997, and marked the first time the MRC was able to present the male experience of abuse and . violence across the spectrum-from per.: petrator to victim. The re.Sult powerful indeed Scott Girard , a member of the MRC Speakers' shared his chall.enges and successes as a man confronting his own abusive behaviors, and Steven Jacobsen described his experience as a male survivor of childhood abuse, including the various "stages" one might expect to encounter during the healing process .

Out of those gatherings the idea for A Male Survivors Dictionary began to grow. "What struck me from the questions I was asked," says dictionary author

Steven Jacobsen , "was how frequently I would use common words which had entirely different meanings to me than to the population at large. As a result, I began compiling a list of helpful words and their meanings to 'survivors' as a tool towards helping to provide a better understanding of men who have been victimized ."

What follows are excerpted citations from A Male Survivors Dictionary :

Safety = Danger

Most children learn to feel safe in protective, warm and loving environments. Abused children learn that to feel safe, to be relaxed and off-guard , means making themselves vulnerable to attack. . Thus our core of safety, from which all of our feelings and expressions would properly spring, is replaced by a core of fear An adult survivor, when feeling "safe " with someone else , may well immediately interpret that as threatening This is one reason why survivors often have problems sustaining healthy relationships with others.

Crisis = Routine

What is crisis to you is regular life to us . Because many survivors have been traumatized to the point that pain is almost unrecognizable to us, both psychically and physically, we are often unable to functionally understand what might constitute an "emergency." Does an emergency mean you're feeling suicidal? But what if you've felt suicidal for 10, 20, or 30 ·years? Obviously, then, feeling suicidal does not qualify as a crisis emergency, because emergencies do not happen every day. Sometimes, crisis and emergencies do happen every day for survivors . So when our caregiver asks us "Are you in crisis? " the question is close to meaningless to us; besides, if we answered yes we'd feel guilty and selfish.

1

Fear = Cowardice

For many survivors, fear is the taproot from which all of our emotions spring. When your historical reality suggests that you can be attacked at any time, for any purpose, by any person,

fear is as constant as breathing . ,But to demonstrate that fear is to expose ourselves to very real dangers, so we learn to subsume any expression of our reality. Besides , if we as adults were to reveal our fears, we believe that further exposes us as weaklings and cowards to you Men are supposed to be strong. We cannot be strong when our knees are knocking in terror. So for many survivors to own our fears is tantamount to emasculation-further proof of our worthlessness

Victimization = Indoctrination

All survivors of chronic abuse and trauma have been subjected to a lengthy course of training , the gist of which has been to diminish or destroy our rights as individuals, and any claim to being individuals worthy of healthy connections to others Our teachers-our perpetrators-are typically all-powerful , with complete authority and control over us as children . Victims have neither the choice nor the power to question our teachers right to do so ·

"A Male Survivor's Dictionary does not pretend to be the definitive text on the subject of abuse arid trauma men experience," Jacobsen says. "There are, after all, as many different responses to trauma as there are victimized men. But there is certainly rriuch common ground which we survivors share. Recognizing our 'kinship' in this way can be a powerful support for us So, in a way, I do not see the Dictionary as providing answers as much as saying, 'Lets talk about the questions, and give those questions names "'

A Male Survivors Dictionary includes a foreword by Sam Ferniano, a longtime member of the MRC Board of Directors and psychotherapist specializing in treating male survivors . With nearly 40 entries, the Dictionary represents mation gleaned from conversations with more than 200 male survivors Jacobsen has spoken with since 1996 . It is available for $5 from the MRC at 236 North Pleasant Street , Amherst, MA 01002 or can be mailed for $2 additional to cover postage.

Is There Really Male Menopause?

sweeping the count ry O ve rall , his message has a d is tinct re tro biolo gy-as-destiny qu ality

Its e asy t o fault an autho r on whats not written , but since Diamond p aints his topic with an extrem ely bro ad brush , it seems fair In particular, he o ffers no c ritique of

Sorne au thors provide rich , de tailed the "youth culture" o r the corporate selling · of their topic , while some of fitness which perp etuate disturbing body explore the ir philosophic al o r polit- image conflicts fo r men No r does he ge t ical persp ectives. epidemio lo gical and discuss Still o thers share their per- ·. · "'""" the diverging trends of sonal JOUrney, hoping th eir

h ealthier aging for som e storyte lling serves an men w hile poverty, racial en ric hing purpose Je d disp arities , Alzheimers d isDiamond , unfortunately, ease, and suicide are never dec1ded w hich book increasing for many other · he wanted to write. males. He neither discusses

"The psychological and any alternative perspective social aspects of the male nor acknowledges male mid-life cnslS ' have been diversity He wo u ld be more emphasized , and less atten- persuasive if he p laced tio n h as been focuse d on b oundaries around his themale h orm ona l rh ythms," sis Howe ver, in presenting h e w ri tes His intent to con- th e truth , as he sees it , he tribu te to the awake ning o f ignores variations in mens this perspective is va luable, subcultures, life experience, bu t he takes u s on a muddled , meandering health status , socioeconomic conditions , j ourney wh ich covers much b roader and o ther fact ors ter rai n

While Diamond s intro d uction states

The o pening senten ce has a parentheti- that "hormones tend to decrease wi th age, cal reference to "(viro pau se o r andropause) " each man is uniqu e and ind ividu al levels -th e scientific names for decreasing levels va ry widely," this serves more as a disof male hormones (and ro gens) that natural- claimer than as a ce ntral point. With an

ly occur wi t h aging-but he discards their u sage. While admittin g some initial skepticism ab out the te rm , his conclusion is that "male menopause" is "the p roper name to describe what all men experience as they move from the first half of life to the secon d " Indeed , he embraces male me nopau se as an all-enco mpassing ex perience which only starts with h o rmonal changes Its presented as a framework for unde rst anding all physical aging , em o tional maturing, and psyc h ologic al growth o f men ove r 4 0.

•

His list of male menopau sal symptoms inclu des everythmg fro m impotenc e to feelmg lonely, difficulty read ing fine print , st.iiCJ dal thoughrs, inadequ acy as mento rs , mcreased masrurbanon , and feeling fat. With a sensanonalized to n e a nd t oo many rmsleadmg statements, h e adds t o the popu lar "medicalization of exp erience " t rend

almost fundamentalis t fervo r, h e expands the physic al ch ange s o f mid -life men into a larger con cept o f a Male Men o p au se Passage He latches on t o this as the single overriding experience of all m ature men , and the driving fo rce behind all the p hysical , emotional , and spiritual dimensions of our lives . He links it with men beco m ing

"Diamond is at his best when discussing the concept of 'pseudo -e lders, ' or exploring the masculin e meaning in mid-life of a long-term marriage . The farther he roams from these , the weaker is his credibility. "

leaders and healing global issues. At times you 'd think he 'd found the Ho ly Grail

Diamond seems to want to make a passing comme n t on everything to d o with th e secon d half of life , and falls short on a substantive core to his book. He teases the reader with tidbits from his life wi thout much exp ansion, but suggests that his experience serves as a roadmap to a universal male passage He quotes ex tens ive ly from famous persons , at one po int stringing together su ccessive spiritu a l qu o tes from Mother Teresa , Albert Schweitzer, Alb ert Einstein, and Martin Luthe r King, Jr

contin ued on page 26

Boltwood Walk • Amherst Good

M en's Res ou rces in the Valley & Beyond

AI DS CARE /Hampshire County (413) 586- 8288 Trans portation , sup port group s an d much more free of charge to peopl e living with HIV.

The Ameri can Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups , pat ient suppo rt groups , nutritional supplements , dress ings and supplies , literature , lowcost housi ng, and transportat ion Children's Aid and Family Servi ce (41 3) 584 -5690 Special needs adoption servi ces Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children Parent ai d program tar parents experienci ng st res s.

Inte rfaith Community Cot Shelter 58 2-95 05 (days) or 586 -6750 (evenings) Overni gh t shelter for homeless individuals-

RESOURCES .

123 Hawley St. , Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016

GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling & Therapy Referral Service (413) 586 -2627 -16 Center Street, Northampton , MA 01060. Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons

The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) 254-4444 Brattleboro , VT Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops , and volunteer opportun ities. Contact Carey Johnson . Life Course Counseling Center (4 13) 253-2822 Individual , couples and group counseling for all gay, lesbian , bisexual and transgendered people

Men's Divorce/Separation Counseling (413) 253-7918 Contact: Rob Okun

Men in Relationships

Men 's Drop-In Group

Firs t and th i rd Tuesday 7- 8:30 pm , Athol (MA) YMCA (978 ) 249 -9926

Men Against Violence First and th ird Tuesd ay 5-6 pm , Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926

Men 's Therapy Group (413) 586 -7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW

Men in Relationships Group (413) 586 -4802 Peter Corbett , LICSW For heterosexual men in committed relationships

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800 ) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 Un iversity of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian , bise xual , gay &transgender educational resource center.

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 P.O Box 181 , Northampton, MA 01 061-0181 Western Massachusetts' gay social and serv ice organization.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 25 4-44 44; free , confidential HIV/AIDS services , including support , prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues

Educat ion and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents , professionals , etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month Ann Henry -(413) 584-6599

Valuable Families

Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes and respects our lesbian, gay and bisexu al families of origin and of choice. PO Box 60634 , Florence , MA 01062; Valfams@crocker.com

Queer Teens- GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports , Hadley for socializing , discussions , and games. (413) 586 -0633 Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield

Fo r confidential in formation about weekly meetings call (413) 739-4342

I n t e rnet R esources

Men 's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com

National Men's Resource Center

National calendar of events , directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org

The Men's Issues Page : www.vix .c om/pub/men/index.html

100 Black Men , Inc. : www .10Dbm.org

Pro -feminist men's groups listing : www.feminist.com/pro. htm

Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/profem.ht ml

Fathers

At Home Dad : www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad

The Fathers Resource Center: www slowl ane com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative : www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet

The Fatherhoo d Project: www .fatherhoo dproject.org

Magazines

Achlle s Heel (from Great Britain) : www.stejonda .demon .co .uk/achllles/issues .html

XY :men , sex politics (fro m Australia) : http://coombs anu. edu au/-gorkin/XY/xyi ntro.htm

Ending Men 's Violence Real Men :

www.cs.utk.edu /-bart ley/othe r/reaiMen.htm l The Men's Rape Rreventi on Project: www mrpp.org/intro.html

Quitting Pornography, Me n Speak Ou t: www geocities com/Capita IHill/1139/quitporn html

Volunte ers Needed

AIDS CARE/ Ham pshir e County (413) 586 -82898 Help make life easier and friendlier fo r ou r neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS Men are especially needed. Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-259 1 Bangs Com munity Center, Boltwood Walk , Amherst , Massachusetts Men's Resource Center (413) 253 -988 7 Variety of needs f or volunteers at the MRC office . ·

RESOURCES MEDIATION

continued from page 11

Believing That Abusive Men Can Change

to maintain this dual perspective . First and foremost , abusive behaviors and attitudes must be strongly challenged and dismantled The Men Overcoming Violence program vigil antly confronts any and all acts of physical and emotional power and control, as well as sexist attitudes toward women At the same time, we recognize that abusers are often acting out of a faulty and damaging script, centuries old, in which power is defined as "power over another." MOVE teaches about a different kind of power, a "power from within " that does not need to dominate or terrorize or, belittle ano ther human being

If someone had told me a decade ago that I'd be working in a bafferers' intervention program, I probably would have been insulted-or laughed.

Martin Luther King Jr taught that we must "hate the sin, but not the sinner." Likewise in our work, we hold the men accountable for their behaviors while holdin g out hope for their fundamental goodness -th eir ability to evo lve into gentle , res pe ctful , peacefu l men We are not naive We realize that many men who abuse will never stop abusmg. But we still believe that it is possible. I have been shocked by how many p eo ple who work in this field are fundamenta lly cynical about the possibilities of abusive men h ealing What I believe instead is that a ch ange in consciousness, an awakening, is always available to any of us who are humble and honest epough to admit how we've

been wrong and to commit ourselves to living differentlx.

In September of 1997, a japanese television news station crew came to our community to film a documentary on domestic violence , featuring the story of Yoko Kato (see story on pg. 8) They filmed a group of MOVE participants talking about their ongoing journeys in overcoming their violence I stood in the hall and listened as man after man shared his story With shaking voices, they revealed the depth of their abuse and betrayal of the ones they loved The pain in the room was palpable One man tearfully talked about his moment of awakening to the truth of his abusiveness-when h e really noticed how frightened his children were of him. He cried and the tears sprang from my eyes as well . Then h e told how h e is slowly but steadily gaming back their trust , and the trust of his wife , through his daily practice of staying nonviolent. He had been coming to the MOVE program for more than three years, .and he talked about how some of his coworkers now teased him because they sensed he was becoming "different"- no longer a tough guy, but more gent le and vulnerable . He said that in spite of the teasing, in spite of the incessant pressure to "act like a man ," his path was clear. He was intent on saving his family and saving himself. The MOVE program was a turning point in his life and , for the first time ever, he was proud of the man h e was becoming.

That night I found myself wishing the battered womens advocates I have worked with 0\:'er the years cou ld have witness ed this extraordinary group . We often feel so

hopeless about ever being able to end the family violence that has plagued our world for centuries Listening to these men share with absolute sincerity and depth the transformative process they 've been engaged in has made me feel hopefu l. I know they represent only a minority of the men we work with and that many others go on abusing after they've left the program. Still , these men help rp.e to believe that the chain of violence can be broken b y the ones who have been violent.

· Now, when somebody asks me "Whats a nice feminist like you doing in a·mens organization? " I answer that I work at the Men 's Resource Center because it is a feminist organization that h olds out the vision that men can change . Its im organization that recognizes that to crea te a nonviolent world, men must change . To h elp that to occ ur, we must all tirelessly confront men's vio lence while simultaneously speakin g to men's pain Through this dual approach, transformation happens. I have witnessed it. We know that the healing of vio len ce h as to happen on all levels--from the individual to the family to the culture at large. This is work we must do together as men and women . I am thankful to have found a place with my brothers to do that.

Sara Elin off is a longti me f eminist activist who found ed th e .Partner Services Program at the Men 's Reso urce Cent er in 1992 She we lcomes further dialogue on the issues raised in this article. Writ e her; care of MOVE, at 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, Mass 01002

Order MRC T·Shirts, Mugs, and Mouse Pads . All printed with MRC credo: Supporting Men • Challenging Violence

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MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES

SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS

· Open Men 's Group- 7- 9 p .m . Sunday evenings at the MRC Amhers t offic e A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives a nd to support each other.

· Survivors of Childhood Abuse · - 7 - 8 :30 p m. Friday evenings at the MRC. Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse

· Gay, Bisexual , Transgend er, & Questioning 7-9 p m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientatipn.

FATHERING PROGRAMS

A variety of resources are available - lawyer referrals , parenting guidance , workshop s , educational presentations and conferences, as well as group a nd individual counseling for new and expectant, separated or divorced , gay, step , adoptive a!).d other fathers.

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP)

· High Scho ol Educa tion Project (HEP) : We train adult men to present workshops for area high schools on issues such as sexual harassment , date rape, creating healthy relationships, masculinity and sexism. We also provide ongoing young men's leadership p rograms and support groups .

· Mento r Advoc ates for Respect and Safety (MARS): In collaboration with the Everywornan's Center, we train college and high school males to be mentors to junior high males with a particular focus on sexual assault prevention education.

· Alternatives to Detention: We lead after-school programs for junior high school students on respect, violence prevention and healthy relationships

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)

MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive . Fee subsidies available.

· Baszc Group s: G roups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, and Springfield .

· Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton, Amherst and Belchertown.

· Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals' and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.

· Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.

· Teen Groups: A lO week MOVE group for young men (ages 1419) who have been violent or abusive to others.

· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.

· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to sha r e their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJEC't

A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAl:. SERVICES

Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

TRAINING AND CONSULTATION

Training and consultation is available to colleges, schools , human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response, " "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

VOICE MALE

january 7

Fathers and the Law : "Joint Custody and Parenting Agreements "

7-8:30 PM at the MRC. $5 for MRC members , $10 for non-members

january 10, 17, 31st, February 7

Fathers Brunch : 11 am-12 :30 pm Gathering for fathers Bagels , support and good conversation . $3 for MRC members , $5 for non-members

janua ry 26

Creating and Maintaining an Intimate Relationship

7-9 PM An 8-week course in relationship education taught by Iren e Abramms , assisted by Gabor Lukacs Registration through Amherst Leisure Services256-4065

january 28

Men and Racism Film and Discussion

7-9:30 PM at the MRC. "The Co lor of Fear": see Voice Male back page Donation requested

CALENDAR

February 4

Fathers and the Law: "Understanding the Emotional Impact of Separation on Children" '

7-8:30 PM at the MRC. $5 for MRC members , $10 for non-members

February 25

Men and Racism Film and Discussion

7-9 :3 0 PM at the MRC. "Looking for Langston" : see Voice Male back page Donation requested

February 26-28

Rhode Island Men's Gathering 7th annual; co nta ct Cheryl Conti- (401) 397-3304 x6043 or email: urieec@uriacc .uri. edu

March 4

Fathers and the Law: "Restraining Orders and Custody "

7-8:30 PM at the MRC. $5 for MRC members, $10 for non -m embers

March 12-14

7th National American Men 's Studies Conference "Men's Studies 1999 : Looking Back , Looking Ahead, " Vanderbilt University, Nashville , Tennessee Contact - David Robinson voice : (330) 782 -2736, fax : (330) 782-0567, email : djrobin s@ cc ysu.edu or drobi619ll@a o l.com

March 25

Men and Racism Film and Discussion 7-9 :30 PM at the MRC. "Killer of Sheep": ·see Voice Male back page Donation requested

April29

Queerfest

A day-long GLBT community pride festival to be held at the University of Massachusetts . Performers wanted. Contact the Pride Alliance (413) 545-0154

For MRC events, call (413) 253-9887.

Hungry?

continued from page 21

Is There Really Male Menopause?

Diamond is at his best when discussing the psychocultural concept of "pseudoelders," or when exploring his story of finding masculine meaning in mid-life, as a middle-class white male , in a long-term marriage to a strong mid-life woman The · farther he roams from these, the weaker is his credibility.

The journey of a mans body through life is deseiving of attention and analysis. Background research for this review revealed scientific references that cite an , approximate 15 percent incidence rate of men with significant hormonal imbalance where hormonal replacement therapy may be indicated While Diamond adds awareness to the need for men and professionals to consider the significance of this , his leaps of logic get tiresome . And while useful content can be found in Male Menopause , its easily located in numerous other sources.

"I can't tell you how much time I've wasted questioning myself," he says at one point. Readers should ask themselves if sharing that experience with him is wo rth their time .

A Male Survivor's Dictionary

Take This Quiz:

If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem with abuse.

can help you evaluate your si tua tion. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help

New Programs at the MRC

• Fathers and the Law : a m onthly workshop series led b y jenny Daniell (attorney) an d Rob Okun (cou n selor and MRC staff) beginning in janu ary 1999, held from 7- 8 :30 PM on the first Thu rs d ay of each m onth $5/session fo r MRC members , $10 for non-memb ers

• January 7 -Joint Cus tody an d Parenting Agreements

• .February 4 - Understanding the Emotional Impact of Separat ion on Children ·

• March 4- Res train ing Orde rs an d Custody

• Fathers Brunch: a fou r-S u ndays gathering for fa the rs to sh are food and conversation ab ou t the joys and challenges of fa therhood- january 10, 17, 31, and February 7 from 11 -1 2 :30 . $3 MRC members , $5 no n -memb ers

• Men and Racism : a monthly film and disc ussion series beginning in january 1999 on the las t. Thursday of each month from 7 -9 :3 0 PM $5/s essi on d on a tion requ este d from non -MRC 236 North Pleasant St Amherst ,

members

• january 28 - The Color of Fear: a groundbre aking film about the state of race relations in America as see n thro u gh th e eyes of eight men of various ethnicities . During th e three days th ey spend together they reveal the pain and scars that racism has caused them, the defense mechanisms they use to survive , their fears of each other, and their hopes fo r an d vision s o f a multicultural society.

• February 25 - Lookingfo r Langs ton : a tribu te to Langston Hu gh es, this film attempts to reclaim him as an important bl ack gay voice in Ameriq m culture .

• March 25 - Kill er of She ep : shows the s tru ggle of an African Americ an slaugh terhouse worker to su rvi ve economic and s ocial obstacles .