A Picnic at Fenway Park
And a New Red Sox Voice Speaks Out Against Domestic. Violence
By Rob Okun
Lisa Kapler knew she had to act. The wife of Boston Red Sox player Gabe Kapler decid ed to go public with the abuse sh e suffered at the hand s of a controlling boyfriend-before she met her husbandso younger women might learn the warning signs of abu se and avoid going through what s he went through for three years when she was in h igh s c hooL
The Red Sox wives, who work as a group on a range of social concerns , were organizing , with the Red Sox Foundation, a "Picnic in the Park " in late June to support the work of]ane Doe , Inc., th e Massachusetts coalition working , to prevent sexua l assault and domestic violence When a repre s entative from Jane Doe met with the women in the Family Room at Fenway Park to describe the coalition's work and the victims of abuse it served, Lisa did mor e th a n listen. In a quiet voice Lisa srunned the roomful of Sox wives by announcing she had b ee n a victim of abuse . From 14 to 17 , the now 28-year-old mother of two had been choke d , punched , and kicked by a boyfriend who tried to control her eve r y mo ve , who bruised not just her body but her spirit.
Eleven years later she was ready to talk. Lisa knew the fund-raiser for Jane Doe , featuring a group picnic in the outfield of historic Fenway Park and attended by many members of the Red Sox team, would attract a lot of publicity She knew this was the moment to tell her story, so she granted an interview to a Boston Globe reporter. But she wasn ' t acting alone. Husband Gabe, a sp eedy outfielder, encouraged her to share her experience.
The "Picnic in the Park" happened to fall on my birthday, and my wife and I decided to make a day of it, first watching the Sox rout the Phillies and then staying on for the reception and picnic afterward It was a magical day, one in which New England's most beloved profe s sional sport s team app eared more like a family than a business. There w ere great snapshots to re member Wat ching star p i tche r Curt Schilling holding th e baseball on the mound one moment , and la te r, as a dad in stre e t clothes, holding one of his children . Or Tim Wakefield , another pit c her, pushing his new son in a baby
carriage across the warning track in center field. These men ar e heroes on the field, yet like many of us , the y are also fathers ," men , regular people with lives and families, triumphs and struggles
But watching fans line up to collect the players ' autographs , I was re minded of the special status and responsibility a thletes have in society and how their lives , on and off the field , take place under a particularly glaring spotlight. From 0 ]. Simpson to Kobe Bryant , from domestic violence to s exua l assault , the conduct of our s ports h er oe s is always under scrutiny. It ' s a price pro athletes pay for being held in such high esteem
A,t a reception before the p icnic; , after the players had answer ed questions about the game , Gabe Kapler and Lisa Kapler spoke He said men have a responsibility to say no to domestic violence , and she said she was telling her story so other women , including teenagers in abusive dating relationships, would know what to look for and know how to escape. Despite the grim statistics about domestic violence and sexual assault, despite the Kobe Bryant rape trial and shocking revelations of sexual misconduct allegations leveled at ' University of Colorado foo tb all players, there are s igns of hope. The Red Sox Founda ti on , the players' wives , and Jane Doe-a shining light in the struggle against sexual assault and domestic vio lenc e for 30 years-coming together is one such sign Lisa Kapler speaking out-11 years after she escaped the abuseis another
Seven years ago in these pages I recounted a Red Sox game I ' d brought my then-nineyear-o ld son , Jonah, to watch. The game was marked by fans booing Sox outfielder Wil Cordero when he first came to bat. Cordero had recently been arrested on a charge of domestic assault and battery-for smashing a telephone into his wife's forehead. "Why are they booing him , Dad?" my son innocently asked.
As a parent, I saw the question as a teachable moment : a inoment that brought together my role as a father and as the thenassociate director of MRC. l to ld Jonah about the work the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence program was doing I to ld him about the group I led , helping men to learn not to act abusive ly. I told him that the Red Sox were going to make Cordero go to counseling My answer satisfied him ; but I was distracted. The escape I'd sought at the ballpark had been intemrpted by the reality of domestic violence
It is seven years later, and Lisa and Gabe Kapler, the Boston Red Sox and Jane Doe are part of the commi,tment a growing number of people and institutions across the countr y and around the world are m aking to prev ent such abuse. For the sake of our child r en, we have to work for a world where inn oc ent nine-year-olds don't have to ask , "Wh y is
booing, Dad?"
Administrative Staff
Co-Directors - Rob Okun , Mic hael Dover
Director of Operations -·Carl Erikson
Men Overcoming Violence
Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Clinical Supervisor - Sara E/inoff
Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel
Partner Services Coordinator - Jan Eidel son
Franklin County Coordinator - Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator - Sco tt Girard
Group Leaders -Karen Fogliatti, Sco tt G i rard, Steve Jefferso n, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Om ilian , Tom Sullivan , Steve Trudel
Support Programs
Director - Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi, Timo thy Blake, Michael Burke, Andy Denn ison, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Darren Engstrom , Carl Erikson , Tim Gordo n, Ken Howard, Shawn Johnson, Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Jim Napolitan, Rob Parfet, Nelson Pinette, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Rog er Stawasz, Bo b Stern berg, Les Wrig ht
Youth Programs
Consultant - Julius Ford
Group Leaders - James Arana, Edgar Can cel, Julius Ford
Voice Male Magazine
Editor - Rob Okun
Managing Editor - Mic hael Burk e
Designer - m rajas design
Board of Directors
Chair - Peter Jessop
VIce Chair - Thom Herman
Clerk/Treasurer - Ch arles Bodhi
Members - Jenny Daniell, Lisa Freitag -Kes het, Tom Gardner, Nancy Girard, Yoko Kato , Mathew Ouellet, Su dhakar Vamathevan
Executive Director Emeritus- Steven Botkin
Editor's Note
Op inions expressed herein may not re prese nt the views ' of all staff, board, ar members of the MRC We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot berespo nsible for their loss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return en velope Send to Voice Male, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amh erst, MA 01002; e-mail que ries and articles to voicemale@m ensreso urcecenter.org.
Advertising
For ra tes and deadlines call Voice Male Ad vertising at (41 3) 253-9887, Ext. 20.
Yes to Men, No to War
By Mich ae l Dove r and Rob Ok un
It's been more than a year since the invasion of Iraq Committed as the Men's Resource Center is to challenging men's violence and developing men's leadership to end oppression, the MRC last year joined the chorus of protest attempting to stop the juggernaut that has to date killed more than 10,000 Iraqis and more than 800 American members of the armed services . Our full-page signature ad in the Northampton , Mass ., daily newspaper carried the names of hundreds of men who joined us in saying no to war.
A year later, we feel no different about the war: we believed it was wrong then and subsequent events have only strengthened our belief. No weapons of mass destruction. No links to Al Qaeda. No imminent threat to the United States or any of our allies. No breakthrough in the IsraelVPalestinian conflict We believed the war would not rriake the world safer but more dangerous, and sadly that has come to pass . Even most of us opposed to the war were unprepared for the revelations of torture and degradation that came out of Abu Ghraib Prison, but we weren't completely surprised either : we know that war itself degrades those engaged in Waging it. That revelations have since come to light suggesting international codes of conduct and the Geneva Convention apparently don ' t apply to the White House of George Bush has only deepened the anger and sadness of Americans of conscience around the country. Since September 11 , 200 l, the men in leadership positions in our country right nowMr. Bush , Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld , and john Ashcroft, to name four-have stained the reputation of the United States with an indelibl11 marker of hypocrisy and arrogance , made all the worse by a blind ambition toward global domination The cost of their plan has been growing not only by millions and billions of dollars , but also by pints and pints of blood shed by thou sands of Iraqi women, children and men , and hundreds of U.S. military and U.S. "consultants" who have paid the ultimate price for the Administration ' s abrogation of the truth.
While we continue our work of challenging violence , we also are committed to supporting men-not necessarily their actions or choices, but supporting them in their humanity Accordingly, we joined a group of community organizations here in our home community of Amherst , Mass., to welcome home veterans of the Iraq war, even as we disagreed profoundly with the policies that took them to war We cannot accept the reasons for their sacrifice , but we feel we must acknowledge and respect the men and women who have taken on this terrible responsibility.
Men 's Resource Center voicem a le @ mens resourcecenter.org
It can feel hard to reconcile these two viewpoints But it helps to hear real stories about real peopl e who are part of this war and to be reminded that they are just like everybody else, trying to do the best they can.
Recently, a story ai red about a young graduating from high school in Kill een , Texas, thrilled to know that his stepfath er would b e watching the ceremony from Iraq thro u gh a special video hookup A picture em erge d of this soldier, who had married the young man 's mother and became a role mod el for h e r children. This was no militar y modeljust a guy doing all he can to support th es e young people in growing up and b ec omin g who they want to be It could as eas ily have been about any other good fath e r or uncle or big brother who didn ' t we a r a unifo rm. The fact that he was in uniform and unable to be at his stepson ' s graduation in p e rs on made the point that sacrifice happ ens in many ways This was a ma n to be h o nor ed 'Being reminded of the essential goo dn ess of these soldiers and s ailors and marines doesn't diminish our opposition to th e war It heightens our grief every da y w e h ea r o f another of their comrades dying in a ro adsid e bomb attack or gun battl e . As Ted Ko pp el' s reading of the war dead on Nightline illus trat ed , war is not just an " in s trum ent of foreig n policy," it is comfortable politician s playi n g dice with real people 's lives. Hearing th e s tories of some of those who fell tells u s th e rea l cost of this folly: lives lo s t , famili es foreve r changed, communities in m o urnin g. Fo r those of us who stood again s t t hi s war, th e question burns: Why-for wh ose purp osedid these peopl e di e? Co ming to kn ow th e shared humanity of our broth ers a nd sis ters in arms , we also com e to und erst a nd m ore deeply why we oppos e sendin g th e m into harm ' s way without ove rwh elm ing reaso n to do so. We hat e the war pre cisely b ecause we love the warrior
The Men's Resourc e Ce nt er is here to support men in b ecoming more full y h u man We deepl y beli eve thi s m ea n s r ejec ti ng violenc e in all it s fo r m s, in cl udin g a n d especiall y war. But ju s t as w e say of t he participants in our Men O ve rco ming Violence program , Accept th e man-nject th e behavior, we can say to our country, Supp ort our troopsbring them home!
MAIL BONDING
We Want to Hear from You!
+Write us ! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to:
Vo i<:E MALE MRC
236 North Pleasanr St. Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX (413) 253-'4801
'1;foicemale @mens resourcecenter org ,,;,Pleaseincl,ude address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length :
Deadline for the Fall 2004
Issue is September lp , 2004.. .
Video Help ful to Colleg e Men
The video The jou rney to Healthy Manhood is a wondetful testameiu w the work that the Men 's Resource Center and Voice Male are doing! I look forward to showing it to the students who are part of a new men's group, A Men's Issu e (AMl) on campus here. I think the video can show the students in AMI that activism is something that can exte nd way beyond one 's college years. Standing on principle and living in congruence with one's beliefs and va lu es is a lifelong process. I th ink seeing all that you do will give these students a larger perspective with which to view th eir commitment to this work.
jill Sneider Sexual Health Coordinator R.A.PE CENTER Syracuse University Syracuse , N. Y
the e- Train
;v h ar?·You mean to ?ay you're not a lready getting the Men's Resource h Center eNewsletter? Okay, don't feel bad; not everyone's gotten the word . yet. But don't be the last on your ' lists erv. After all, it's free, informative and monthly. The eNews letter gives you the latest-breaking news of the 1k MRC, updates on events, and timesensitive informa ti on that doesn't make it into the pages of Voice Male.
To subscribe , just e-mail eNewsletter editor Michael Dover: mdover@mensreso urcecenter: org
Prostate Cancer Preventatives
After reading the recent article by Danny Dover about alternative treatment for prostate cancer ("There Had w Be a Better Way," Voice Male Spring 2004), I felt that I should submit this information to your readers, as our company is also a resource recommended by Larry Clapp in his book, Prostate Health in 90 Days Although our product is not necessarily recommended for prostate cancer, it is a valuab le tool for preventative maintenance, and for treating·other prostate health issues.
High Island Health is an alternative healthcare company that manufactures and markets prostate massage products. Our device is a unique product patented as a medical-grade internal pressure applicator. The Pro-State prostate massager, as it is known , has been designed using modern anatomical medical knowledge combined with ancient Oriental knowledge of acupressure massage.
The Pro-State prostate massager simultaneously applies pressure to the prostate gland, the interior wall of the rectum, and the perineum acupressure spot, which corresponds to the nerves largely reSponsible for the transmission of sensation throughout th e urogenital area. The device is simp le, effective, and uses the individual's own muscular contractions of the sphincter to achieve results. The benefits of this means of massage are many Not only is it a he althy and healing practice, but it can also lead to drastic improvem ent in urological function ing and better sexual health.
The product was initially marketed for use by those s uffering from BPH (en l arged prostate) , and ch roni c, n on-bact erial prostatitis, however, man y users have e nthusiastically reported increased and enhanced sexual pleasures and faculties. Although it is in this area of male sexuality that our products have become most successful and popular, we remain dedicated to improving the health and
quality of life for men and their partners by promoting the medical value of prostate massage
Readers ca n visit our websites to read more about our company and our produ cts: www.highisland.com ( fo cuses on BPH and prostatitis); www.an eros.com (foc u ses on improvement of sexual functions). Thank you.
Patrick Wilson High Island Health Hou ston, Tex.
Many Masculinities
I s tarted looking at the spring issue of your magazine, and I think it's grear. I especially app recia te th at so many ki nds of masculinities are represented by the articles and the contributors th emselves. I can't recall exactly where I first saw a copy of Voice Male, but it might have been at Women Helping Battered Women here in Burlington Thanks again.
Clark Sheldon
SafeS pace Burlington , Vt. www.safespacevt.org
Men's Center Stirrings in Providence , R.I.
I am in the process o(creating a men's center based on the model the Men's Resource Center of Western Mas s. pioneered 22 years ago. Right now I am developing brochures , necyorking and finding ways to get the word out. One idea I think might be beneficial for both the MRC and the new Men 's Resources in Providence is if we cou ld distribute your magazine, Voice Male, in and around the Providence area ... Please send me bundles ! Int erested in learning more? Contact me at lb oser@mens resotlrces.o rg, (401) 861-1113
Lewie Bosler
Men's Resources
Providence, R.I.
Boys Grow into Men Through Rite of Passage Pr ogram
A rite of passage program piloted for Beckett, and OmarOrtiz-to their Sptingfield , Mass., inner-city high school community," Evans said. "The stud e nts, an·d officially endorsed by tile eel ·on provided ·family, mayor of the city, may be J?art of a new ·cotnmunity)eadnational trend to su pport youn g peopl ty to witness on the journey to healthy adulthood. "What ng ' men crossing young men and young women are hun- .inu hood." • gering for is to be ack nowl edged- to be ' 'ti Akro:yingnumber of youth acknowledged for who they are and sup- mento.rs suggest helJ?ing young ported as they develop in to matur e men men becOme productive members and women , " said Julius 'Ford, a youth of their communities can be
programs consu ltant for the Men's Resource by rituals acknowledging s u ch Center and the FAMILY-For All Men cross· · cThe Rites of Passage program utilized Interested in the Uves ofYo uth-a Springfield- r aba seven prin cip les dev eloped based coalition SUJ?porting yo ung men
Maluena Karenga, th e creator and in particular male Ford and program facilitaw r Rf!ginaEvans rual provides a culrural component to rebuj\ coordtnaror of Earn and t:eair+, a t,:l toring as.izi'!lg :unity, and drug prevention program at Nprthem tive work, responsibility, · The FAMILY progra Educational Servicesin Springfield, de;vised omics , cr eativity, purpose by the Men's Resource a 10-week program for 25 yo ungmeh and,. he princip les offer a fouri'dation Massachusetts, th e C women ages 15 to 19 that culminated Cl:ltS ouglp tereotyp es and isms , fosters Development, Nor th . the late June rite of passage ceremony and ·· leadership '' qualities, and builds charac;ter," Services,, Mr. Hub ert Sa , ' the Harrier that highligh ted five young men who had Evans saiq. Project, th e, Anti-Drug just graduated from ,high school. The Ford and Evans facilitated Coalition of Hampden County. For more "The ceremony was designed ro officially the pow er of working together , informat ion, contact Regina cv{lns at: tnrroduce the young men-Early Crenshaw, commonality within all hull)an- (413) 787-2101 , Ext. 114 qrregiraevans53 Darrick Miller- Hall, Charles Evans, Larry is at a cross-roads regarding @hotmail.com. · ·
MRC Founder Blaz es New Trail
Steven Botkin , founding executive director of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts , ha s crea t ed a new 0 organizatio n , the Men's -€> Resource Center Coalition. ..:!.
Whi le on sab batical © L--------' since la st September from the organiza tion h e fou nd ed in 1982, Steven reali z ed h e wanted to ex tend the already sizeable reach of th e MRC model. Since 1998, when the MRC first provid ed training for the now vibrant Men's Resource Center of Northern New Mexico, the organization has helped fledgltng MRCs take flight in New Hampshire, centra l Massachusetts, Maine, and central and south Texas. Steven's vision is to provide coo rdin a tion and techn ical a nd financia l s upport for existing regi o nal men ' s centers and to help support th e conditions for new ones.
Happily , St even ' s new role will keep him wor king clo se ly with the MRC of We s tern Massac hus et ts. "Steven's leadersh ip and vision h ave b ee n imm eas urab ly valu ab le to th e MRC st a ff, b oard , vo lunteers and the co mmunity o ve r th e co urs e of his two deca d es of m agnifi cent se rvi ce, " said MRC board chair Peter J essop. ln April th e MRC Board of Directors appo int ed lo ngtime associate d ir ec tor Rob Okun an d former board chai r Mic hael Dover as co- executive directors through june 2005, whil e p lanning for permanent l eaders hip go es forward . For m o r e on the MRC Coalition go to www. mrcco alition.org.
What Democracy_ Looks Like: Men Marching for Women' s Liv es
Of the rich panoply of stories th at emerged from the March for Women's Li ves on Apri l 25-the largest march on Washington everone story th a t we n t underreported was the numbe r of men who participated Estimates that a quan er of th e milli on marchers were male are inspirin g and mark a sign o f hope for the growing collaboration berween men and women-and th e organizations that re pr esent them-'-to foster enduring socia l c hang e and to enrich th e live s of women and men , girls and boys.
And Voice Male was there , among the legion s marching. VM editor (and MRC co-director) Rob Okun, traveling with a bevy ofco ll ege students (including his c;laughter, Aviva) , was buoyed b y the num be r of young people, mo st born aft er Ro e v Wade. "The level of co mmitment to prot ec ting women's rightsand the appreciation for th e number of male alli es of all ages who were present-was a highlight for me ," Okun said. "The message was cl ear. As the cha nt that could be heard from th e Capitol to the Washtngton Monument put it , the march was indeed 'wha t democracy looks li ke."'
Ke ntu ckv Men Cooking for Batt ered Women
On Mother's Day, th e men of the Louisvillebased Mobilizing to End violeNce (M.E .N .) served dinner to a gro up of women But not just any women: the men put on a feas t for women reside nts of the Center for Women a n d Families, which pr ovi des se rvices to battered women and their children and offers rape crisis counseling in north central Kentucky and so uthern lndiana
"T his is a s mall effort on our part to honor the wome n who do an ama4:ing job of moth eri ng in wh at is r ea lly an impossib le situation," said Rus Funk, co-founder and coordinator of M. E. N. " lf there are any mothers who shou ld be honored today, it is these moms , (wh o are) continuing to fulfill their obligations to th eir children in spite of being beaten, put down , and threatened by their abusers."
Funk beli eves this may be the first time anyw h ere in the country that a m en's group has honored battered mo the rs on Mother 's Day. Lynnie Meyer, president and CEO of the Ce nt er for Women and Families, applauded the group 's ac tion , noting that "our commun ity benefi ts when m en stand with courage and lead with convic tion to stop violence against women and children."
The men cooked dtnner for up to 70 worrien and children who are staying at the shelter as well as in rwo of the Ce nter's transitional h ousing programs. Many of th e women were visib ly moved by the gesture , and Funk, in a statement to the moth ers, said, "We know this is much le ss than any of you des erve as a Mother's Day ce lebration. But we did want to take a moment to recog nize the job of mothering that you d o and to say thank- s
you on behalf of your children, and a warm and heartfelt Happy Mother's Day!"
M.E.N., whose motto is "Men Working with Men to End Sexism and Violence," is a grassroots men's organization founded in 2003, providing support to local programs working with women who have been victimized and educating the community about how violence against women affects men and the ways that men can, and should, be involved to stop sexism and violence For more information on M.E.N. , contact Rus Funk at (502) 494-9044.
Helping Urban Fathers in L.A.
It has been increasingly recognized that the presence of involved, nurturing fathers has a positive effect on the emotional, behavioral, and cognitive development of children. Yet what's often not seen is that traumatic experiences in a father ' s background may get in the way of his ability to parent his children effectively. A program called Project Fatherhood, in Los Angeles, is trying to increase the positive involvement of low-income , highrisk urban fathers in their children ' s lives by helping fathers identify and resolve ea rly traumas in their own lives.
The cornerstone of Project Fatherhood is its ·"Men in Relationships Groups": ongoing men-only therapeutic groups where, in addition to learning about basic child development principles, appropriate discipline techniques, and other parenting ski.lls, fathers receive help in dealing with traumatic experiences in their own histories that continue to impact their relationships with their children and partners. One of these groups is offered in Spanish as well.
Some of the other services Project Fatherhood provides include individual and family counseling, crisis intervention , case management, peer mentoring, parent education classes, a "job club, " advocacy with the Dependency Court and Department of Children and Family Service, referrals for food, housing, shelter, health care , employment training, and legal assistance, as needed , and father/child activities such as fishing, camping, and sports events.
· Proje ct Fatherhood has operated since 1996 with private foundation funding. For more information about the program or to obtain a copy of the curriculum, contact Dr. Hershel Swinger, (213) 385-5100.
Eating Disorders Rising in Men
Men are still less likely than women to have eating disorders. But men do suffer from bulimia , binge eating, and, to a lesser extent, anorexia, according to researchers-and the nu mber of men suffering from these eating disorders may be on the rise.
Leigh Cohn, coauthor of the book Making Weight: Men's Food, Weight, Shape and Appearance (Gurze Books , 2000), says that such disorders affect about 2 percent of men, versus 4 to 5 percent of women, but he believes the numbers are increasing. And as for women, the villains where men are concerned are genetics, low self-esteem, trauma , and cultural influences, such as the !proliferation of popular media
images of men with humongous muscles, flat stomachs, broad shoulders and narrow waists. (Are yo u listening, Men's Health?)
One study showed 70 percent of high school males dieting, and other studies have looked at the prevalence of excessive exercise among males, which , combined with a restricted, "carbophobic" diet , can lead to hidden eatin g disorders. And as with many male health conditions , men may be unaware that they have an eating disorder, and thus it may go untreated for some time. Moreover, men who become aware of their struggles around eating may feel worse on refl ect-· ing that they have a "women's disorder," or worry about the stereotype that only gay men have this problem. (In fact , gay men may simply be more likely to seek treatment, researchers say.)
Men Taking It to the Streets to End Abuse
Never let it be said that the Men's Resource Center doesn't have legs Once again, the organization has planned a ' four-day Men's Walk to End Abuse as part of the observance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October. Beginning in Springfield, Mass., on Wednesday, October 6, walkers will follow a 40-mile route through 11 communities in three Massachusetts counties, ending in Greenfield on Saturday, October 9. Last year, 35 walkers collectively walked more than· 300 miles to call attention to men ' s responsibility to help stop domestic violence, and in the process raised more than $4 ,5 00 for the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program. Among the many donors then was Massachusetts senator john Kerry.
Without help , it could get worse At Men Overcoming Violence , men can learn to 'change Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help before it 's too late.
(413)
"Senator Kerry is likely to be a bit busy this fall ," said MRC co-director Michael Dover, who is helping organize the Walk , "so we'll n eed others to step in." The Walk raises funds for the MOVE program through sponsorship of walkers and business sponsors of the Walk. "We hop e to have even more walkers than last year," said Dover. "You don ' t have to raise money to walk with us , and you don't have to walk the whole way. And of cou rse , women and c hildr e n are welcome to join men ."
To learn more about the Walk, and to see pictu res from last year's event , go to the MRC website at www. mensresourcecenter.org. To find out about becoming a walker, vo lunteer, or sponsor, co ntact Dover at mdover@ mensresourcecenter.org or (413) 253-9887, ext. 33.
Gay Marriage: Moving Beyond May 17
Historic Moments, Flawed Arguments
By Michael Dover
Unless you've been on an extended monastic retreat, you know that May 17, 2004 , was the day that same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts. I went to Amherst Town Hall that morning to join in the celebration organized by the town's Human Rights Commission and Health Department. Seeing the faces and hearing the voices of the couples put all the political, religious, and constitutional arguments out of my head for the moment. What was present was the joy, the connection and caring that everyone was feeling. Couples who have been together 10, 20, and more years were now able to step forward and have their loving relationships recognized Tears were plentiful, but so were smiles and laughter. On May 30, I was privileged to see two of those relationships affirmed. In the morning I attended the local Quaker Meeting, which was able to make legal (in the eyes of the state) a marriage between two women that had taken place under their care 11 years ago. Later that day two of my lesbian neighbors were married in a joyous ceremony that was extraordinary in its "normality": just a wedding of two people who love each other, though simultaneously so much more than that. Historic moments should all be so good.
Idon't get it.
Try as I might, I can't understand why the opponents of gay marriage are so upset at the prospect that people who love each other want to make their commitment official. The arguments I've heard just don't measure up to the vehemence with which the antis stand against what many courts are increasingly recognizing as a basic right . The biblical argument doesn't work. Sure, there are lots of biblical citations about marriage being between a man and awoman. But there are also references to polygamy, slavery, wife-beating, and marital customs long abandoned . And there is the simple truth that we're talking about civil marriage, not religious practice. Churches, synagogues, mosques ; and temples can refuse to recognize gay marriage just as they can refuse to sanction interreligious or interracial marriage;·it makes no difference to the state, but the state can and should still recognize all these kinds of marriage ·
Some of the opponents argue that the function of marriage is to produce and rear children. Are they really prepared to say that a postmenopausal woman or a sterile man should not be allowed to marry7 Why do we celebrate the marriage of elderly couples? What about lesbian couples who bear biologica l children with the help of sperm donors'? Are they inherently different from heterosexual couples who do the same because the male partner is sterile? And what about couples who choose not to have childr.en7 Is their marriage invalid? I don't believe anyone is about to outlaw marriage of childless couples, precisely because we all recognize that marriage has a variety of
social functions , one of which histori ca lly has been to legitimate the patrimony of children. As the stigma of illegitimacy has thankfully all but disappeared, that aspect of marriage has become considerably less important. What remains is th e d es ire of couples to make solemn their commitment to each other, and to ensure a whole varie ty of rights with respect to each other, their commonly held property-and their children if they have them
family arrangements can bring children up to b e healthy and secure What matters is the thought, love , and re so urces these different kinds of families can bring to bear on this most important of tasks.
Finall y, there 's the particularly strange argument that allowing gay marriage will somehow lessen the value of heterosexual unions. Can someone please tell me just how this will happen7 Currently, about half of all marriages end in divorce-even though gay marriage wasn't legal anywhere in the United States until May 17 of this year. So the institution of marriage isn ' t in great shape. Yet there those thousands of couples were, standing in the rain in San Francisco, waiting to take their vows. How is this weakening marriage? Is there one straight couple out there who had been contemplating marriage but now have decided it 's not worth it because there might be some gay and lesbian couples somewhere who are also married? People get married because they love each other, and stay married if they work at keeping the relationship strong. What happens next door or in the next county matters little or not at all. Others choose not to marry for a whole host of reasons , from income tax and property laws to fear of commitment. I doubt anyone has ever looked over his or her shoulder to see what other types of folks are getting married and used that to make the decision about whether to tie the knot. ·
Another argument based on children is the one that says every child needs a mother and a father. Even if the supposed research on the subject held water, it has nothing to do with the law. There are no laws forbidding single parenthood. Widows and widowers don't have their children taken away if they don't remarry. In Massachusetts and many other states, single adults, unmarried straight couples, and , yes, gay and lesbian singles and couples can legally adopt children. I am honon;d to know gay and lesbian parents of biological and adopted children who are doing very well , thank you-studies or no studies. I also know many single parents who do stellar jobs of raising their children, sometimes with the support of the noncustodial parent but often without. Whatever the family constellation, it seems, the important element is the hard work that the parent or ·parents put into caring for their children As co-director of the Men 's Resource Center, I can atte s t to the value of having involved fathers be present in their children's lives. But that does not mean the one-mother/one-father family structure is the only one that works. If the last couple of decades has taught us anything, it's that we live in a time when a great variety of
So I'm left with no reasoning for opposing gay marriage that makes sense , other than that some straights can't think of gays and lesbians as anything but Other. And the Other is not entitled to be Like Us. At base , this is simply a matter of maintaining privilege: straight people can have the social and legal standing that comes with marriage, but gays and lesbians can't because they're gays and lesbians. It's just the way it is. This • is an argument I can understand And I reject it utterly.
Michael Dover is co-director of the Men's Resource Center. A version of the following commentqry appeared in the Amherst (Mass.) Bulletin on April 23, 2004.
By Bill Pa tten
f\s the small twin-prop from Amman cuts and banks hard dow shon,tan n a spiral pattern, you go 5 , fe e runway fast and vertica eep"yo u stomach from leaping out of your throat, you fixate not on the ground but on the cockpit and the controls until you see the alarm going off to pull the nose up and then look out th e windows again. Two of Saddam's palaces are in the middl e of square, green, man-made lake s . "
Shome s tate " W I tried' to could I
Sam knows support of Bush, that I am revol · invasion of Iraq updates on what · his cowo rkers, these I cherish diffe r ences . He that. his parents are concerned about his safety and that we love him regiirdless of the quagmire he finds himself in.
It's easy, especially with Bush 's ingl y pro-business world agenda, to overloq}$' · th e passionate idealism that underlies Sam1s thinking. It' s tempting to forget Sam's initiatives at Georgetown University to start a dat e-rape prevention center, his summer spent working in a legal aid clinic in D C., and later his work
o began an e-mail from my son, Sam, right after he arrived in Baghdad in midMarch. A decade ago, after graduating from college, Sam was writing stories about local zoning board meetings for The Camden Herald, a weekly paper in the coastal Maine town where he grew up and went to high school. I knew his interest in government would lead him back to the larger world, but to find him fighting for democracy in Iraq I must confess has come rather as a surprise. Sam was born in 1971 in Washington, D C. in Bosnia in the international refugee mission own so r:v,, In fact , Sam's own lack of interest in business or mon eymaking seems ironic to say the least when one reflects on whom he is working for
He is the first of our three children. We moved to Maine when he was eight and I becam e the publisher of several weekly papers along the coast. A few years later Sam started his own paper, The Daily Planet, and made his younger sister Eliza a reporter until her stories became "boring" and he fired her. He and his friend Eli also ran the "Patten Detective Agency," which specialized in recovery of Iost bikes and divorce spyinga potentially lucrative business in the cute litde town where Peyton Place had be en filmed
We used to laugh indulgendy at his innocent dreams to save the world Today it is harder to laugh. Sam is now working for the United States in Baghdad as part of a professional • team trying to bring democracy to that country He is t h e "Resident Political Director" of the International Republican Institute, a government-subsidized agency aimed at fostering democracy around the world Sam has been working for IRI in Russia over the past three y,ears and was recently assigned to Iraq . How Sam became a Republican and ended up in Baghdad is a long story with no single explanation. On the most primal level , I feel it's healthy that a son should try to challenge and surpass his dad Growing up under the shadow of Dad's columns and editorials certainly offered a vivid reality to reconstruct. But then was it chance that he started working fot Senator Bill Cohen, Republican from Maine, in college and later helped Senator Susan Collins, also a Republican, fill his seat?
V{hen G:orgeW. Bush ca.me to Portland du rlffg ihe - 20\)0 presidential campaign I remember Sam telling me ho)V moved he had been by overhearing the candidate his love for his fath :; in to a question Sam went on ti:t head the Maine campaign for Bush, and felt crushed when his
l was talking to a real estate man not long ago who reminded me that we all construct our own rea liti es. He had been raised !3-oma Catholic and sings J n his with his son. As I'm a part-time 1Unitarian Universalist minist er,wwe had a. wonderful conversation. He exp'ia ined that he is about to leave church and I gave him some info rmation about the UU tradition , realizing it would be a shot for him to make such a radical
Top photo : The author's son, Sam Patten (back row, center), with a group of young Iraqis.
Middle: A group of Iraqi men in traditiondl dress with two Americans in Baghdad.
Bottom : Sam Patten (second from left) and an American associate meet with local Iraqis
''Yes, I Am Af raid "
Healing Emotionally After Test icular Cancer
By Bria n Pahl
When I was 21 , I found a lump on my ri ght testicle that turned out to be cancer. During th e next three months I would endure the removal of one of my testicles, major exp lora tory surgery to my abdomen, the dis covery th at the cancer had spread, weeks in th e hospital , and two rounds of chem ot herapy. All in all, it was the most painful, terrifying thing I have ever experienced It took me over Jour years j ust to admit that. I thought it would be weak of me to acknowledge my f ears, but I rea li ze now, 12 years later that I have never be en stro nger. The words that fo ll ow are a window into my experience with tes ticul ar ca ncer, the a nguis h I co nt in ued to feel after treatmen t, and what I am doing to heal emotionally from what was the most diffi cult tim e in my life.
a book because m emo ri es of what I ex p erienced become vivid in my mind Th e fear, the pain , and the uncertainty that were a p art of h aving cancer all become real again, if on ly for a few mom e nts I wake up every day to this en orm ous scar on th e front a nd si d e of my torso . It will n ever allow m e to forget what my mind and my body endured and continues to r e mind me of th e fear I feel today. Yes , .I am afraid. I am afraid that all of th e effort I put into making myse lf we ll m ight have b ee n for nothing , because the cance r co uld come back. On the other hand , I feel just fin e, as id e from th e pain s left ove r fro m two ope,ations I feel like I did wh en I was first told I h a d cancerand th at scares th e h ell our of me.
In my healing process, I've had to confront the loud vo ice in my h ead that says , "It 's time to get over thi s, Brian. You had cancer Jour years ago , and yo u are doing just firte. Stop acting like a baby Stop being a sca red, sensitive fool and move on. Be si des , your cancer wa s nothing co mpared to the ca ncer that terro ri zes little kids or that takes a woman's breasts. You just lo st a littl e testicle ; stop feeling so rry for yourself and being selfish Get over it , man. "
Itwas Septe mb er 1992 and a week after my second and final sess ion of chemotherapy. I packed my thin gs and mo ve d to Los Angeles to live with a friend. I h ad to get away. Three m o nth s o f my life h ad been sto len from m e , and I was not ab o ut to s it around and waste any mor e tim e fe eling sorr y for m yse lf. I fi gur ed it would be best for me to ge t back to the th ings I h ad b een doing prior to having cancer I thought I was doing what was b es t because my doctors, famil y, and friends see m ed s upportive of my d ecis ion. It was of great imp o rtance .fo r me to prove to myself and eve ryon e else h ow s trong and d e termin ed I was . Being a strong p a tient h ad helped me fight the physical part of havin g ca n ce r, and l th ought th a t acting lik e a s tron g survivor would h elp me overcome my emotions
It worked for a while, b eca us e l refused to believe o r acknowledge that any negative fee ling s existed I simp ly ignored my emotions , and for four years I continu ed to reject th e notion th a t I h ad unr eso lve d feelings, even th ough th ey would a ri se from tim e to time. I failed to realize th at moving away and assu min g th e sta te of mind that I did would prevent me from dealing with the em o tional turmoil goi n g o n in side. '
I a m now ab le to ad mit th at I st ill fee l traumatized from h aving ca n ce r At tim es, I st ill feel li ke a victim Occasionally, I break into tears whil e watching a movie o r reading
These thoughts are also the so urce of a numb er of "wh y" qu es tio ns : "Why do I s till feel like this? Why doe s this still bother me so mu ch ? Why can't I just get over it? " First, in orde r to a n swe r these " why" questions and understand how I could "s till" feel this way, I had to a dmit to myself that having cancer definitely was a terrifying, frightening , and tr aumati c expe ri ence. Second, I had to give mysel f p ermissi on to r ecognize that my feelings were natural considering the extent o f what I end ured Thi s was absolutely n ecessary in o rder for me to stop criticizing mysel f a nd my feelings.
Why was thi s so traumatic' Right ·from th e beginning, I had it in my h ead that can cer meant death. I thought of my great-grandmoth er, who fought ca n cer for m any years. I rememb ered the pain and suffering she went through and all of th e weight s h e lost , and h er slow, ago nizing d ea th I did not think I would endure the same type of struggle, but in my mind cance r symboliz ed pain , agony, slo w, ruthless evil , and death. I was n ot only fighting a dis ease in my body ; I was fighting for th e s urvi va l of my entir e being.
In Illn ess as Metaphor Susan Sontag writes, ''As long as a disease is tr eate d as an evil , invincible pr eda tor, not ju s t a dise ase, most p eop le with cance r will indeed b e demoralized by learning wha t disease they hav e. The solution is hard ly to stop telling cam:er pati ent s the truth , but to rec tify the co ncep ti o n of the disease , to de-mythicize h. " Lo n g b efore ca nc e r m anifes ted true , r ea l , p h ysica l pain within my body, it was real a nd p ainful and t err ifyin g in my mind We associate cancer with h orrib le things lik e death , painful treatment , suffe ring , agony, p oiso n , surgery, cutting, wasting away,
invasion , tum or, kill er, superstition , fear. We surround it, coat it , and protect it with th ese refer ences and labels which s e rve as armor and make it increasingly difficult to overcome. If we rem'ove the protec tive shield, it b eco mes merel y can ce r, a disease , and our odds of defeating it become much greater
At one point I b ec ame ve ry angry while reading Sontag's book. I thought of how I viewed cancer: as a sniper sitting in a tree firing upon people, picking them our at rand om and trying to destroy th em I b eca me enraged and started to cry. I shouted the word "cancer" over and over again . "Ca ncer. Cancer. Canc er. Cancer. Cancer! Cancer!! CANCER!" My anger intensified , and I wept uncontrollably. A few minute s w ent by, a nd I was feeling better I was ge tting the cancer our of my mind and was le tting go of e motions I had been ho lding on to for years. Th e West ern medica l philos op hy believes in ridding the body of disease a t all costs, short of ending life Th e objec tive is purely physical. Meanwhile , emotions and the psyche of the patient are ignor ed I had rwo great doctors , and I credit them with my survival. I look back on my treatment and see them doing all th ey could to ge t the cancer our of my body The dis ease was being cur edbut Brian was b ein g pur through hell , a nd he needed someone to help him cope with all that he was fee ling. One of my do ctors attempted to ad dress my emotional concerns by talki ng with me abo ut them, but the insurance company limit ed my visits with him I was phys ica ll y hea l ed, bur I a m not emot ionall y healed When I we nt to the doctor the very first time, I felt fine . I was not ill. I had no aches or pains The only problem was a lump on my test icle Th en I was told that I had and they proc eeded to do all of these terrib ly painfu l things to me to rid my body of some th ing I did not reall y know was th ere. They to ld m e thi s was all needed in order to cu r e t he dis ease. I was co nfused in a way because , since I did not fee l sick , i t was as if I were being deceived. All of the tr ea tment, all of the agony and pain I went throug h and co ntinu e to go through mentally and emotionally was geared towa r d something I d idn ' t rea lly know was there My tr ea tment was far wo rse than any symptoms I was experiencing Th e-next s t ep was to explor e what I had do n e with my feeli n gs and seek them out. When I was being treated , I did what I cou ld to show everyone that I could b e strong, even t hough I was screa m ing and kicking a nd
crying on the inside. I let my emotions show when I couldn't take it anymore, but otherwise I locked them away. The word "strong " continues to appear because I thqught I was being strong. My friends , family, and medical staff reinforced this by telling me how well I was hanging in there. My mother and my doctor suggested counseling as a way to, deal with the pain and fear, but I refused. Its not that bad, I remember telling them I beheved that I was doing okay dealing with this on my own. Counseling or a support group was absolutely out of the question , because either of the two would bring up feelings when I was doing everything in my pow e r to deny their existence.
Another reason I stuffed my feelings inside was because I wanted to take it like a man. I learned early on that real men don ' t cry Real men don't show their emotion s I learned these things the hard way because I am a guy who does cry. I do show what I am feeling, and I have been mocked, teased , criticized, ridiculed , and beaten up for lt The list in my mind goes on forever as to why I might be less of a man. Losing one of my nuts added to the list. I was so concerned with what other people thought of me, especially now, that I thought the best thing would be to tough it out. This was my chance to stop being a sissy and act like a man Being strong and fighting my illness the way I d1d was an attempt to make people proud of me, to make me proud of me. What I learned from this experience , though, is that "acting like a man " made my life worse . Acting like a man cut me off from who I really was and made all of this so much more painful than it should have been My healing was made harder because l knew the entire time that sooner or later the I had ignored would rise and make me take notice I post- · poned this moment as long as I could, in the belief that this was "manly. "
Today, I can see that having cancer was a traumatic event in my life. l can see how l suppressed my feelings and refused to th e m notice . I am now paymg attennon to those feelings , so that l may get on with my life l still s truggle with the notion of manhood , but l am trying to focu s less on the man society tells me to be and more on the pers on I want to be
Once I had a better understanding of my experience , l wanted to talk with other men who also had testicular cancer I sought men out over the Internet and through my doctors.
Most of the men who responded identified with the same feelings I had , but a couple of guys said it was "nothing" to th em. One of them said: "I almost don ' t feel like the word ' cancer even applies to me. And l would NEVER refer to myself as a 'cancer survivor,' because I never felt my survival was in question A guy I work with lost his nine-year-old stepdaughter to an EXTREMELY rare type of cancer. SHE had cancer HER survival was ALWAYS in question. Testicular cancer just does not compare to that, not mine anyway. " · He makes a valid point Sometimes l agree with what he said about other people's cancers being worse than mine, and it makes me feel guilty and selfish that l am still hung up over having a "delicate" type of cancer I think where we differ is that my cancer had spread , and my survival was in question. Regardless, I have learned that I cannot change how I feel. I cannot change the fact that this was a horrible thing, and that it affected me the way it did.
Another guy said: " I agree with your sentiment that the psychological effect of suffering cancer in such a 'defining' area is often under-regarded I get extremely tense around routine checkup time, because more than anything , I do not want to have chemotherapy again. I was first diagnosed in 1984 ... l2 years later, I am happy, healthy, and married, but it is still hard to talk about." It meant a great deal to me to hear from these men . lt makes me feel like less of a freak to know that other people have had the same experience or the same thoughts as I have had My biggest fear is getting cancer again I am getting to a pomt, though, where I am worrying about that less because I know it is out of my control.
I still have so much work to do I am at a point now where I am less critical and more accepting of my feelings, but I need to g!Ve myself a break when it comes to feeling sad . Most of my life I have listened to "don ' t be a sissy." I cannot erase that overnight, but I am on my way to replacing it with "ler_ your feelings be. " I plan on further exammmg gender and identity roles and SOC!ahzanon of men and women to more thoroughly understand how that may have contributed to my anxiety and the repression of my feelings during and after my treatment. I am gomg to continue talking with cancer surV!vors and sharing stories. Finally, I will attempt to take a little time each day to reflect on and honor my feelings , whatever · they may be, and I will to be thankful for my hfe
Brian Pahl is a 33-year-old individualist living in Bellingham, Washington, wh ere he coordinates the Men 's Violence Prevention Proj ect at Western Washington University He keeps life in perspective by hiking in the North Cascades and sp endmg lots of quality time with Gus, a six-month-old golden retriever:
da re to dream ...'
) the only thing that I truly: possess is that which exists in the vast galaxies of
Breaking Old Habi ts, Res olvin g Old Arguments Conscious Communication for Men
By Karen Fogliatti
When the men walk through the door, I c-an feel their trepidation, hear their thoughts : How did !let myself get into this? Why am I here, anyway? As r.hey settle into their seats and begin their introductions , their faces seem to convey a shift into resignation , even resolve: Oh , yeah, I remember; I'm so tired of the sn ipin g and sarcasm that has pefmeat ed my relationship. I'm tired of the same old arguments that never seem to get resolved. And so, with a sigh and much anxiety, they begin the work.
The "work" is a worksh op o n basic skills in conscious communication And I'm happy to lsay that as participants proceed through the eight-week course , they actually co m e to relax, have fun, and experienc e relief and growing confidence in knowing that th ey can do conflict differently-that conflict can be used, as jungian psychologist/ quantum physicist Arnold Mindel! says, " to learn , to love, and to grow."
Since 2001 I have worked with men in a certified barterers ' interveinion program, Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE), at th e Men's Resource Center, and in community workshops In doing this work I have becom e more aware of the unique challenges men face in relationships , given their cultural conditioning. To be sure, men are conditioned in many positive But there are negativ e aspects of men's socialization that have deprived them of learning skillful communication at close quarters Men are taught to be "in charge , " to make all the important decisions, to "fix" everything, to maintain a
For men, just being able to identify their own fe eling s and talk about them can be a huge c hall enge. Another obstacle men face is the need to "wi n" arguments , to feel "in c harge " Bur with the right tools, both parties ' to a conflict can win. Imagine being able to stand your ground when differences arise instead of having to either knock the other person off her ground or else roll over and give up your own needs When we eliminate the fear of losing and the old protective patterns that come with that fear, we can approach differences with an attitude of curiosity. When curiosity is brought to
stiff upper lip, to suppress their true feelings. These pressures can present problems, especially in modern heteros exual relationships in which their female partners are coming more into their own and wantingperhaps demanding-more intimac y and a sharing of power in decision-making.
In order to do the work of being in a healthy relationship, men n eed tools. It's like building a house: special tools are n eeded , and different tools are requir ed for diffe rent parts of the project : Fathers often pa ss on many of these tools to their sons. Special tools are also needed for the ta s k of building a relationship, and different tools are called for in different circumstances. Did your father pass on these tools to you? Chances are , given the more pronounced m al e conditioning and role infl exibility of his time, he did not.
differences , it allows creative problem-solving and transformation to happen.
I teach many of these skills in the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) groups I co-lead. While at first they ' re skeptical, by the end of the program many men make comments like: "I can't believe the difference ac tive listening has made in my relationship.:_ it ha s brought us closer together"; and "With !-messages, I now know how to initiate a co nv ersa ti on about something that I'm upset about without being so afraid that it'll escalate into a big argument. I don't have to stuff it and then let the resentment build until I eve ntually blow up ."
Conscious communication workshops offer two uniqu e features: 1) They teach not only individual skills, bur also how to put the sk ills together to be able to see a conflict through from beginning to end. Role plays and
interactive exercises offer many opportunities for practice . 2) Th ey are comprehensive, teaching a variety of skills for d iffe r ent kinds of conflicts. Wheth er the issue involves concrete needs , o r a co lli sion of va lues , or a situation that calls for a n on n ego tiable stand, there is a whole toolbo x of skill s from which to choose to fit each particular kind of problem -
This toolbox includes any and all of the following skills: id ent ifyin g who owns th e problem, positiv e self-talk, !-m essages (1-M), active listening (AL), th e " dance " (putting 1-M together withAL) , six-step n egot ia tion , values exploration, and th e nonn ego tiabl e stand. There are also skills that help men to manage probl e ms that d o n ' t seem to get resolved, no matt e r how hard they try.
So how would th ese skill s actually work in a real-life situation? H ere's an example bf the "dance," a core skill. ju lio and Kitty have planned an evening with dinner a nd a movie They eat; th en Kitty jumps up , ru s hes to get ready and stands at the door, impatient to leave julio is upset. Ordinarily, he would yell: "Kitty, can't you just relax? Do you h ave to be such a clock-w atc h er? I'v e spent all this time cooking this fabulou s meal and you just gulp it down and jump up to get to the next event! Well , you can just wait! I'm not ready!" Whereupon a huge argument would ensue , ruining th e even in g.
Instead, julio does so m e quick self-tal k to calm him se lf down, chooses a good time to initiate the discussion (perhaps afte r the movie) , then says: " Kitty, when you ate quickly; then rush ed around and stood by the door, I felt disappointed and upset because I had put a lot of tim e, lo ve, and care into preparing dinner and had wanted that time to be s p ec ial time together. For me, making dinner and enjoyin g it together is like making love. Next time, would you b e willing to slow down so that we can enjoy and appreciate the dinner and each other?"
Even though he has expressed him self well, h e knows that Kitty still might get defensive And p erh aps Kitty hasn ' t learn ed th e ski ll s He will need to pr epare h imself to actively listen to her response Kitty says , "Well, that's nice , Julio , but you always dill y-d ally a nd are late for every thing! I ha te getting to the movi es lat e, b ecause then it takes me 5 or l 0 minut es to figure out who 's who and wh a t 's going on." Julio , instead of ge tting defensive about his lateness, responds: "So it so unds like it 's frustrating and confusing for yo u when you miss the firs t part of the movie."
It might take a few times of active list ening to de-escalate t h e situation. But when Julio gets th e "nod " from Kitty, unders tanding h as been established. He now can give another !-m essage, if n ecess ary, or can go right into putting th e needs of both right n ext to each other : "So yo u 're n eeding to get to the movies on tim e so you ca n under s tand wh at's happening , and I'm needing to have a ni ce, l eis urely dinn er together so that w e ha ve time to really enjoy the meal and eac h other."
Kitty says , "Yea h , that's it. " They are now ready to n ego tiat e how they ca n r eso lv e th is differen ce so that both of th e m fee l good about the so lution In reality, th e "dance " often takes several rounds of !-messages and active list ening to de-escalate the situati·on and to be able to name the n eeds o f both, particularly with si tuations involvi ng bigger differences. Taking time to do so, h owever, creates a safe space for both pe o ple to s tay in th e int erac tion long enough t6 solve th e problem to everyone's satisfaction.
While it's not easy to b r ea k the h abit s of a lifetime or to go against cultural press ur es, th e benefits that come when one can deal with differences creatively and constructively m a ke th e effort well worth it. Recen tly, a m an in a MOVE group related a situation in which h e was ab l e to u se hi s s kill s to ove rco m e his desire to ve rball y attack anoth e r p ers o n who h e felt h ad publicly di sres p ected him He managed to do so m e quick p osi ti ve self-t alk, de-escalate his e motions , a nd make a choice to r espond skillfully. His response transform ed a situati on that co uld have gotten ugl y into o n e in which mutual respec t was attained. H e felt incredib ly empowered by his own abi lit y to make thi s reversal from hi s usual way of behaving when triggered He felt an imm e nse pride in now b ein g ab le i:o m ake his own choices as to how to respo nd , rat h er than react. · As men grow in their ability to use these s kills , th ey often experience an increase in personal power, intima cy, growth , und erstanding, and resp ec t for th e o th er, as well as for th e m se l ves. And yet , l earn ing to co mmunicat e co nsciously isn't ju st abo ut l ea rning a se t of s kill s. It's about s tepp in g out of a lot of old habits and into new ways o f being that ca n ultim a tel y cha n ge th e culture int o one in which power is s h ared and all expe ri e n ce is valued And i t' s n ot jus t abo ut individual relationships : it 's abo ut grassroo ts p eace m aki ng , and it in vo lves a paradigm s hift. l believe we can o nl y contribut e to world peace when we can learn the h ard, gritty lesso n s of how to get alo ng with each other in day-to-day circumstances. When we ca n do thi s, we then h ave a chance to apply the se l essons in th e . larger arena to create a better world. This work is about
changing th e world one person an d one intera c tion at a time
Karen Fogliatti ha s a Ph D in philosop hy of education and is an experienced educator, mediator, facilitator and counselor. She currently co -facilitates four me n's gro up s in the Men Overcoming Violence program at the Men's Resource Center in comm unit ies arou nd western Ma ssac hu setts. Th e next Workshop in Basic Skills in Conscious Communication w ill begin Saturday, September 18, with a free introductory class from 10 to 12 noo n at the MRC and will co ntim1 e for eight weekly sessions Saturdays , 10-1 , Oct. 2 to Nov. 27. Cost is $200-$250 (s lidin g sca le) and an additional $25 for materi.a ls For more information call Karen at (978) 544 -3844.
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DONATE YOUR (ARTO MRC?
If you liste nto the public rad io progra m Car J#lk, yo u may have heard an anno un cement ab out donating cars to SlJ pport publ ic radi o st ati9ns. Jt tu rn s out this is ser vice avai lab le t o any nonprofit organizati on, an d t he Men' s Res ource Center, Voice Male' s publi sher, has reg istered with t his service. Now anyone in t he United · State s can donate any vehic le (even boats, pl anes, and farm equipment !) .th ro ugh th is se rvic e, an d the net proce eds of its sale will benef it- t he MRC
If you or anyone you know wants or eve n bad ly needs to dispose of a car (no GoneJn 60 &d)nds ve hicles, please !),they <;an donate rt to the MRC by clicking a link on the organiza: tion's home page , or th ey can go directl y to wwwmensresourcecenterorg/formhtml#donatfcar.
SUPPORT MRC & VOICE
A City Kid of Color Comes to a White College Town Liberal Utopia ... Not Yet
For the pa st three y ears , Lahmar Louis has been a memb er of th e Young Men of Color group coordinat ed by th e Men's Re source Center of Wes tern Ma ss achus etts. The group , which meets wee kly wh en sch ool is in session , is a mix of high sc hoo l stud ent s and college mentors , facilitated by a yo uth pro gram s consultant to the MRC, Juliu s Ford ,' ex ecutiv e director of the Harriet Pr ojec t, ass isted in 2003-04 by Melvin Harris , a Uni ve rsity of Ma ss achus ett s senior. It focuses on iss ues relat ed to y oung men on the journey to hea lthy manh ood What follow s ar e Lahmar 's refl ect ions on th e gro up and on being a student of co lor in a primarily whit e community.
Co min g to Amherst, Mas s., from Br oo klyn , N.Y , was a big transition for me. Moving from an all-black area in Bro okl yn to Amh e rst , which is predomin a tel y whit e, h as not been easy I had very fe w d e alin gs with whites outside of my sc h oo lt eac h e rs until I mo ved to Amherst thr ee yea rs ag o as a scholar in the Amherst A Better Chance (ABC) program. ABC brings int ell ectu ally gift ed high school students of co l or fr o m inn er c iti es around the country to more acad emi cally challenging schoo l systems like th e o n e in Amh e rst.
In th e tim e I ha ve been here I have experi en ce d b o th th e good and the bad sides of Amh er s t. Unfortunatel y, I can ' t say this is tru e for all people of color in this community Ma n y h ave experi enced more of the negative s id e o f thi s c ommunity. The ABC program h as exp ose d m e to man y of the great people and grea t opportunities Amherst has to offer. T h e AB C b oard is mad e up of community white - trying their best to crea te a h igh-quality experi ence for the ABC sch olars. Th e Amh ers t AB C program survives p ri m a ril y o n funding from the United Way ' a'nd don a ti o n s fr o m co mmunity members. But AB C c a n o n ly do so much trying to brin g u s th e b es t Amherst has to o ffer As ABC s c hol ars w e a r e not exempt from th e n ega tive s id e o f Amherst. We still must d ea l with elderl y white women clutching thei r purs es as th ey pass u s, having car d oo rs lo cke d by w hit e dri ve rs wh e n we wa lk by, co ns tantly being followed around s tores and bein g as ked if we n ee d assistanc e, as well as p eop le ass umin g we are all members of sports tea ms.
People believe Amherst is a liberal utopia But from the eyes of a young black man, Amhers t needs to address many issues before it can be ca ll ed a utopia One of the, most important issues that need to be worked out in Amherst is making white peop l e aware of all the privilege and sta tu s their skin color grants th e m . People who define themselves as white a lso need to recognize how their ignorant or subconscious behaviors affe c t people of co l or. It wou ld be nice to stop hearing white people ask me , "Why are blacks still an gry about slavery?" or, " ' Nigger ' isn't used in a hurtful way anymore , so why can ' t white people say it?" My "favorite " comment is, "We made up the word, why can ' t we use it?" These types of attitudes need to be chan ged
As for th e Young Men of Color group , college mentors and professional men from the community play a major role in its success They provide guidance , support, friendship , and most important , wis dom. They share their wisdom in a variety of ways Rarely were we lectured to
Every group starts off by going around . th e circle talking about h ow our week has been since the last meeting This is probably the longest and most important part of the group; young black men sharing what has transpired in thei r lives over the last seven days. As we go around the circle people comment about experiences and feelings th ey had during the week. Then we open th e floor up to ' the larger circle to comment Hearing how older men dealt with similar experiences is helpful. I appreciate the fact that they choose to share their wisdom with us The wisdom that I have ta ken from the group is diverse . Some of th e men demonstrate great wisdom in health , race politics , class politics , and more. Their wisdom allows us to know how to react in difficu lt situations , or may just give us security knowing we aren ' t alone in our struggle Th e wisdom that is shared in the group makes it pos s ible to learn something new every week. Becaus e 1 know this wisdom will be there , I' ve made sure to be at every meeting for th e past three years . In April our group held its first fund-raiser - a dance at Amherst Regional High School. It was an attemp t to break down cultural ,
clas s, an d ge n eni tional barriers while sim ultaneou sly advocating for the gro up 's fin ancial indep e nd en ce. Th e d an ce wa s a s u ccess o n man y lev els Th e m o n ey we made fro m t h e dan ce all owed us to h ave m o re financ i al stability, s in c e th e bud ge t provided by th e MRC is s m all . I hop e that n ex t ye a r we will c h oose to d o a n o th er da n ce fund-rais e r so we can ap ply th e lesso ns th at we learned fro m the fi rst.
With littl e gu idan ce fro m th e o ld er m e n , th e nine of u s organizing th e dan ce go t su p po rt from th e b us in es s com m u ni ty- Pe t er Pan Bu s C o mp an y and th e Lo rd j effe r y Inn , in particul a r Th e hig h sc h o o l , area media , memb ers of th e KINGS , a lo ca l men of co lo r s upp o rt gro up , whit e an d bla ck college frat ern iti es an d so roriti es a t the U n ive rs ity of Ma ssac hu se tts, all ca m e to ge th er to s u ppo rt a sa fe sp ace for youth - p arti cul arl y yo ut h o f color-to gath er, to cel ebra te, and to express their c ultur e.
Appr oxi m at e ly 10 0 p eo pl e c am e to t h e da n ce , b u t th e tru e s ignifi cance of th e eve nt , acco rd in g to j uliu s, ou r gro up fac ilitator, was " th e si m u l tane o u s reverb e ra ti ons of indepen de n ce and co nn ec t io n th a t ec ho e d thr o u gh ou t t h e vall ey Th e Pi o n ee r Va ll ey, s om e tim es ca ll ed th e ' Happ y Va ll ey,' is a uni que bl en d of cu ltures , classes an d s piritual b eli efs Bur u nfortu nat ely, like so ma n y ot h er towns citi es in Am eri c a , th e Va ll ey's intell ectu al capaci ty to a pprecia t e d ivers ity, ensure equ al o p porruni ty, an d sh are res ou rces a mon g all its ci tiz enry exceeds its will in gn ess to m a k e thi s t h ought a rea lity . I t is on l y throu g h s u p p orting o ur yo un g p eo p le in their effo rts to lead o ur co mmunity tha t we will cr ea te th e Hap p y Va ll ey so often fo n d ly talke d ab o u t. "
I'll b e b ack in th e fall for ano th er year in Amh ers t an d I h op e j uliu s' vis io n c an mo ve clo s er to bec o m ing real ity.
Lahm ar Loui s, 17, will be a seni or at Am hers t (Mass.) Regional High Schoo l this fa ll A summer int ern in an ar ch i tec titre f ir m in Manh a tta n in 2002 and 20 03, he wo rh ed t his ye ar as a co un selo r at a su mmer ca mp i n hi s hometow n of Broo kly n
V OICE MALE welcomes contributions from men - and women - of color. iE Contact us wi th commentary ideas at volcemale @mensresourcecenter. org or 236 No: Pleasant St., Am hers\, MA 01002 I "t!i" ·'-A"
Wanted: Young White Guy to Change the World
By lan Trefet hen
"S
o, what are your plans?"
That's probably rhe most common question I hear these days, having graduated from college a few weeks ago. Some of my friends are going to graduate school, some are working for Teach for America ; one is a preschool reacher. This summer, I'm pain ring houses After August, I have no plans. I have a unique situation , an extremely privileged situation I have an undergraduate degree , very little debt , a family that doesn't need me financially , and at the moment , health ca re. I've worked hard, bur there is no doubt in my mind . that my privilege as a whit e, middle-class male has helped me get to where I am. The fact that I don't have to know what I'm doing right away, I don't have to worry about my career just yet is a sign of my privilege The question is , where do I go from here?
l may nor have any specific plans, bur I do have some guiding princip les. It sounds like a cliche, bur I want to change rh e world. (The older I get , th e more cliches make sense to me .) Leavin g the protective bubble of college in 2004 , I see lots of possibility, as well as a world ve ry different from one that most of us would want to live in. I see violence , on level s from persona l to international; I see th e largest amount of economic inequality ever; I see ecologica l disaster, present and future; I see oppression based on a number of social categories; I see unaccountabl e government, increasing corporate control, and media manipulation
I want to help end all inequality and oppression, whether based on race , class , gender, sex uality, ability, sta re control, or any and all other systems of hierarchy. I want to see significant, fundamental change on a societal level. I want to work toward a world based on cooperation rather than competition , love rather than fear, community rather than isolation.
So I looked in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper. There were no entries under " Revolutionar y." I also checked "Freedom fighter, " "Ally, " and "Pro -feminist, anti-racist, anti-capitalist, anti-statist, freedom- and pea ce-loving anarchist." Nothing there either. Apparently, th ere was more of a demand for managers, truck drivers, and bartenders. Of course, we need people to control us at work, transport all the new, shiny consumer goods we don't need, and serve us drinks so we can try and escape it all at the end of the day. Bur how come I can ' t find an ad that reads, "Wanted: Young white guy to be an ally in the struggle against white supremacy Work with dedicated staff to end police brutality, abolish the prison system, create economic equality., and further revolution. $20K starring salary, full benefits. Call Bill at 617-555-7206"?
The problem is, the more change I want to see in the world, the harder it seems to get paid to do that work.
The challenge l see for myself is to rake the privilege that l have and rry to create the greatest amount of positive change while doing something l enjoy. Nor everyone has the ability to do something they enjoy, and l don't expect to be enjoying myself every minute of the day. Along the lines of Gandh i's "Be the change you want to see in the world," I'm going to try nor to hare my life and my work.
There are opportunities. There are "so cial profit" groups that do great work. There are community groups l can join, regardless of my work. There are lessons to be learned from those who have been at this crossroads before. l also have the tools and energy to be creative and chart a new course There are an infinite number of ways to change the world every day. lt is a challenge to figure our how to make a livi n g this way. However, if this is my greatest challenge, so be it.
"I
looked in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper. There were no entries under 'Revolutionary.' I also checked 'Freedom fighter,' 'Ally,' 'Profeminist, anti-racist, anticapitalist, anti-statist, freedomand peace-loving anarchist.' Nothing there either. "
Call me naive Call me idealistic ln lO years, maybe I' ll reread this, shake my head , a n d ear my words. ln the meantime, however, this is an important rime of decis ion for me, and for many of my peers who are serious and passionate about social and environmental justice. We look up to the generations before us , and we look beyond them, becaus e as the Commencement Day cliche goes, we are the future
So, do l have any p lans? We ll , l'm working on it. l might go to Guatemala and learn Spanish, then rake auto repair classes and be a pro-feminist mechanic. The truth is, I've got nothing p lanned, and everything planned at the same rime. In -two weeks l might have it all laid out, or l still might have no idea in 20 years. Wherever I end up, l wi ll keep the principles of equality and freedom close to me and maybe a copy of the Help Wanted section as well
Ian Trefethen is a 2004 graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. In hi s senior year he worked as an intern at the Men's Resource Center, where he continued his efforts to change the world.
Is There a Father in the House?
By Rob Okun
The same year m y daughter was born, 1985 , then-President Reagan 's budget director, David Stockman , also became a dad . At a press conference , Mr. Stockm an proudly announced that his baby had been born in the morning and that h e had gon e back to the office that afternoon. I remember bein g s h ocked b y what he'd sa id and don e. I imm edia tely s ent a letter to the editor of th e local n ewspaper, ag hast that h e saw his actio n as an appropriate expression of fatherhood Co uld this really b e how many men saw (a n d s till see) fathering-aft er your bab y is born yo u go right back to work?
I'm not talking h e re about fathers whose economic reality for ces th e m , at the risk of losing their jobs , out of the house I can imagi n e Mr. Stockman , like many men , mus t have felt a lot of pressure at that momenta young guy in a big job h aving to pro ve himself, having to choose Reagan 's voodoo econo mi cs over th e magic "of being with his newborn . Did h e acknowledge that tension or did he try to ignore it? Was his act genuine, or a gesture of bravado to stand him in good stead with th e higher-ups? Becaus e becoming , a father is such a profound milestone in a man's life; if society believes in the fundamental value of having caring and involved fathers, should we even force m en to have to answer such questions at this pivo tal moment?
Of course on a socia l policy lev el it is imperative that engaged and involved fathering be supported in the public and private sectors by bro adly increasing paternity leave policies across the board ; we've got mu c h to learn from the Scandinavians on that score. But what I a m really talking about here is th e feeling men have at the pr eciou s moment of their child's birth: Is it a new fathe r's inclination to stay at home and bond with his b aby? Is there more than the pressure s of a demanding job getting in his way? Wh a t about feelings of inadequacy, the naggin g fear that he doesn't know how to fulfill the role? Or the attitude h e's been socialized to believe-that raising babies is "women's work"? As a culture , aren't th ese some of th e critical questions for us to try to answer? In the end, maybe it comes down to just one question : If more fathers stayed home and raised children, would our world be a bett er place? Or, put differently, if more women were in leadership positio n s in government and the military, how much better would our world work? Marie Wilson , who recently left her position as president of th e Ms Foundation , believes the answer to the latter question is " much b ett er. " Indeed , some years ago sh e launched th e White House Project , believing the Unit ed Sta tes n ee ds mor e women in leadership positi o n s around th e country, including electing a woman president in the next 20 years With our n ation in political and spiritual cris is right now, who could argue? The less dramatic, but equally revolutionary, count erpo int to her White House Project might
WRITERS
b e dubbed the Fathers ' House Project- a campaig n to see more men ac tiv ely invo lved in th e raising of their c h ildren over the same tim e spa n Now there's a goa l to rally men and women behind. Involved fathers, just like involved moth ers , q m't guarantee h appy, we ll-adjusted offspring. But our childre n well remember what th ey get from us and what they don't. I was reminded of that fact not long ago when I fac ilit a t ed a fat h ers and sons workshop for freshmen and sophomore co ll ege students , young men between the ages of 18 and 20. They came to be t ter understand th ei r own fathers , to discuss th e shift th eir relations hip s with th eir d ads were undergoing now 'that th ey we r e living away from h ome, and , alth ough i t rema ined unspoken, I think th ey ca me to muse a oi t on wh at it wou ld be like to become fat h ers themselves someday. What s t ruck me was how hungry t h ey were for contact with t h eir dads Although all describ ed th eir relationships with th eir fathe rs as good, each spoke about how h e wanted m ore. One's dad had an apart m ent in a city duri ng the week, to be close to his wo rk, and would return to his suburban home on weekends. " He missed my soccer games and my performances in sc hool plays," the son re p orted . Anot h er found his father overly cau tiou s, traits h e attributed to his dad's not h aving bee n around eno u gh to witness his so n 's maturing through childhood and adolescen ce . " He s till sees me as a litt le kid." The chasm between th e distrac t ions of th e adu l t work world with its pressures and respons ibilities and th e ch allenging world yo un g peop le are living in-with i ts pressures and respons ibilities-has to be bridged. And it ' s never too late for fa th e rs to try.
Back in 1985 , when my daughter was born , the U nit ed States and th e former Soviet Union were s till locked i n the grip of th e Cold War I remember h aving this wistful th ought during the two days I experie n ced li fe in th e halls outside the birthing room: Ronald Rea gan and Mikhail Gorbachev shou ld spend a week working here on the materni ty ward, hol ding the babi es in the nursery, ta lki ng with the new parents, celebrating th e midwives and labor nurs es. Maybe then they 'd realize that their countri es needed fewer weapons systems and more housing, health care, and education programs. Id ealistic? Sure. But now , nearly t wo decades lat er, it is as nec essary a s ymbolic vision as ever. Im agine Donald Rumsfeld and Geo rge W volunteering for a week to care for newborns. lt'd probably be too much to ask th em to do so a t a hospit al in Baghdad . I'd settle for their showing up at a birthing center somewhere near Crawfo r d , Texas
Voice Ma le editor Rob Okun has Jour children ra nging in age from 26 to 16. He can be reached at RAOkun @ mensresourcecenter.org
Ejaculation Control Why Not to Come Tonight
By Haj i Shearer
Igave away my virginity when I was 16. It was a lousy performance Once I figured out where to enter, the action was over momentarily. My girlfriend was kind and patient-perhaps becaus e I demonstrated other useful ski lls. Eventually, I improved. Pan of that improvement came from paying attention to my partner, part from books. Two years lat er, by the time we ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, I believed, like many men, that it was a privilege to sleep with me.
Over the years , in co ntemporary writing c ulled from ancient Indian and Chinese manuscripts , I learned the theory behind men increasing their sexual pleasure without ejaculating. As l prepared this essay, I did a quick survey of some of my more en lightened male friends and was surprised that no one was using this technique.The most salient question asked of me was a s ho cked, "Why would l want to do that7" There are two basic answers. The first is because it can give yo u, the man, greater pleasure. The seco nd is because it can give the woman more pleasure as well.
(Note: Th e author is describing heterosexual relationships; men 's sexual experiences in gay relationships may be the subject of afuture article.)
Let's look at the first reason first Toofrequent ejacu lations result in both the ejaculatory fluid and the rich orgasmic experience decreasing almo st to nonexistence. Any man who has experie n ced multiple ejac ulations with little recovery time knows this. On the other hand, sex without ejaculation requires no recovery time and can produce strong feelings of full-body pleasure differe nt from, and in many ways s up erio r to, the ejaculatory sneeze
Whe n ever a man ejac ulat es-regard l ess of age, body type, or income-he experiences a temporary loss of ene rgy. A pleasant sensation to be sure, but a depletion nonetheless. That's one explanation for the classic s tereotype of men falling as leep a ft er sex. From personal experience, I can attest that there is no ma le energy loss after sex without ejaculating "Why bothe r7 " you ask. "Wh ere's the p leasure for me?" Think abo ut the thrusting, squeezing, licking, and kissing . All these aspects of the sexual experie nce are pleasure-filled, but subordinated because they pale in comparison to ejaculation. Men tend to be more goal-oriented than women when it comes to sex (a nd , one could argue, other activities as well). Curtailing our obsessio n with getting to the "finish line" of ejaculatio n creates the space to enjoy these more subtle p leasures to a higher degree. In addition , the fact that there is no energy los s is itsel( another payoff. In stead of being dep leted , imagine being energized by sex. When you stop-either because no more time is available or beca u se yo ur lover has had enough-you are still erect and ready. Using visualiz ation and physical movement,
you can circulate this retained energy up your spine and alnng your limb s to energize your entire body. You are still full of stamina. You don't feel tired You and yo ur partn e r have enjoyed all th e pleasures of sex except your ejacu lation, and you are ab l e to jump up to perform any other kind of physical or mental work with added vigor (includ ing more sex!).
The second , more altrui stic reason why a man would want to have sex without ejaculating is to increase h is pau n e r 's pleasure. As we explore thi s angle, le t 's define " pr e mature ejacu latio n" as any ejaculation that occurs before th e man desires it and before his partner is fulfilled. Left to my own inclination, five to ten minutes of sex
Resources on Ejaculation Control
There is a wealth of information avail able for the man willing to explore th e theory and practice of ejaculation co ntrol. Use this partial list to lead yo u to fu rther resources Try entering the names of any of the listed authors into a se arc h engi ne for more information , or type in "ejaculation control " and search on th at. Or bette r yet , buy one of the ir book s, read it , and use it.
Books
• Chang , Jolan Th e Tao of Love and Sex: Th e Anc ient Chin ese Way to Ecstasy (Wildwood House , 19 77).
• Chia , Mantak , and Dougl as Abrams Arava The Multi- Orgasmic Man: Sexual Se crets Every Man Sh ould Know (HarperCollins , 1996)
• Deida , David The Way of the Superior Man : AMan's Guideto Mastering theChallenges of Women , Work and Sexual Desire (Plexus , 1997)
• Douglas , Nik, and Penny Sing er. Sexual Secrets : The Alchemy of Ecs ta sy (Destiny, 1979 ; reprint Inner Tr aditio ns International , 1999)
• Kale , Arvind , and Shanta Kale. Tantra : The Secret Power of Sex (Ajanta , 1976) . ·
• Wong , Bruce TSFR : Th e Taoist Way to Total Sexual Fitness for Men (Golden Dragon , 1982)
Websites
Sexual Health Info Cente r sexhealth. org
Helping People Survive On line · hp s-online. com
4 Men 's Health 4- men .org/e ja cula tion. html
White Lotus East
white!otuseast com/ejacu/ationcontrol htm ·
would be fine My unrestrained tend ency is to get the intense pleasure of ejac ul ation quickly, then move on to so m ethin g else (and ge t another quicki e la t er).
My desire to s l ow down af!d pace mys elf is due largely to concern for m y wife , who takes l onger t h an I d o to become arou sed Without consciously delaying my own sexual gratification, I could not satisfy her. Listen i ng to other women and men has convinced me that m y wife and l are not unusual in our patterns of arousal. In U.S culture, instant gratification-the "wham, bam , thank you ma'am " model-is promoted as the idea l, encouraging selfish sexual attitudes, particularly in young men I too
(Conti nued on page 23)
The Bridge to Manhood I A Gay Man Talks About Disappointing-and Loving-His Father
By Michael Bronski
InJune of 1974, when 1 was 25, 1 had a · major decision to make. Because the gayliberation movement traces its beginning to the Stonewall riots in New York City in 1969, Gay Pride Day is often celebrated on the Sunday closest to th e anniversary of th e riots on June 22, and so frequently falls on Father 's Day Would 1 go to my parents ' home in New Jersey to be with my father? Or would 1 spen d the day with my gay community in Boston, publicly celebrating our lives , relationships , and political struggle for equality? 1 chose to attend the gay pride march and rally, and since then 1 have always associated Father's Day le ss with Dad than with the annual celebrations we call "gay pride events."
The phone call home was one of those hideou sly awkward moments in parent-child relationships My father's tone was dismissive -a "do what you want, 1 can't believe this is even a discussion" tone 1 got defensive 1 grumbled that 1 had helped organize the speakers and had to be there But under this coded langu age, the meaning was clear to both of us. He didn ' t want to thi nk about my sexuality, which he \rarely acknowledge d; 1 didn't feel much lo ya lty to a family who never wanted to hear anything about any part of my life touc h ing on the subjec t of homosexuality. Since 1 was a gay activist and journalist with a lover and a wide circle of friends, this covered a lot of ground.
It wasn't simply that I wasn ' t in New Jers ey for Father ' s Day. My liberal parents would have been happy for me to stay in Boston to protes t for fair housing rights. It was that 1 had a "chose n" family of fri en ds , including my lover. 1 celebrated my community rather than my biological family, who were painfully still pretending that mo st of my life didn't exist
This tension isn't just about a ;;cheduling conflict It is-for many gay men-about the extraordinarily co mplicated position of being a gay man w h o has a heterosexual father Gay men in our culture have some. times complicated , but often rich relationships with their fathers. All father- so n relationships have fault lines . In gay men 's paternal relationships, th e cracks go deeper, · and th ey are wildly unpredictable The possibility, even probability, of rupture and ea rthquake here is tremendous . Heterosexuality, of course, is our norm Parents presume their kids are heterosexu al until informed otherwis e Fathers in particular tend to expect th eir sons to follow in th eir footsteps. Fathering, raising boys to grow up to be husbands and fathers , is for many men part of being a man . Fatherhood is a bridge that links one generation to the next. It is both comforting and reassuring. No one raises h is son to be a drag queen . Learning that their sons are gay can be m ore th a n so me fathers can accept, understand, or even imagine. They realize that their sons
won't follow in th eir footsteps. If their sons raise children , it will be with ano th er male They won ' t fulfill the dreams their fathers had as they held their newborn sons, singing songs their own fathers may have sung. That idyllic visio n , now s hatter ed , is often replaced with nightmarish Visions of "unnatural sex acts," swishing an d cross -dr essing. Will & Grace may be funny on television , but most parents don't want to see it morph into a rea l-life Gue ss Who 's Com ing to Dinner ?
I have bee ri' " out " for almost 40 years, and have heard thousands of co ming-out stories. The element common to almost all of them is the fear of "disap pointing" th eir parents But common to all of them roo is a scene in which gay men tell their fathers-
'" Parents presume their kids are heterosexual until informed otherwise. Fathers in particular tend to expect their sons to follow in their footsteps: raising boys to grow up to be husbands and fathers is for many men part of being a man. No one raises his son to be a drag queen. "
in a very real way-who they are.
1 n eve r had to com e out to my parentsby the time 1 was l3 , they suspected I was gay, and sent me to a friendly child psychologist to see what was going on The woman reassured them that 1 was not a homosexual (I'm pretty sure professionals didn' t 1,1se "gay" in 1963), and we dropped the subject until it gradually became clear she had been wrong. My parents weren't thrilled-! have yet to hear of parents , even th e most liberal and caring , who are overjoyed when their children come out-but we all adjusted. Was my father dis ap pointed? Definitely He never really asked about my relationship s, and showed no int eres t in my gay political causes or my books about gay cu ltur e. In his view 1 had joined that mysterious "gay world. " And in some ways he was right: in both concrete and metaphoric ways , !left my family. In stead of comi n g home for Father's Day, I hung out all day, marching and partying with my gay friends.
Was I disappoint ed? Yes This was my life and (with in reason) I would have liked my parents to be part of it. But in r e trospect I
was lu cky. Sure, th ey worried I wasn "norma l " and sent me to a psychologist but it ended th ere. Other gay men I knoVI were co mmitt ed to m e ntal in stitution s anc given electroshock therapy in the late and early 1960s be ca use their parent! guessed th ey were gay. I have friends whosf parents never spoke to them, or who fl ee into that mysterious gay world because lif at hom e b eca m e physically abusive after thei sexuality was evident.
Th ese are terrible stories, and I'm glac to say that I hear almost nothing like then when I speak today to younger men. What do hear is thin young m en still fear thei fathers will be disappoint ed. And that this i often the case-their fathers are disappointed
Why does this disappointm e nt p ersis t What is this bridge, and why is it so easil destroyed? On th e surface it's obvious: "be in a man" m ea ns being· muscular, .. man,[¥-. what we in the mysterious gay world cal "acti ng but ch." Gay men can be all thes thin gs, h owever, and many are.
This disappointment is grounded to large degree in sentimental ideas abou manhood. Feminism has taught us there ar many ways of being a man , of which actin like John Wayne , supporting a wife a n • children- even having heterosexual sexare only a few. No one but the most trad: tiona! man thinks this makes sense anymon Magazines, newspapers, not to m e ntio Sex & the City, all praise th e idea of th "metrosexual ": the s traight man who appeal gay. Advertisements, television shows, an movies depict men changing diapers , makin breakfast for kids, and even po sing sex il and coyly in their underwear
In s uch a polymorphous environmen why s hould h eterosexual fathers still b disappointed? Possibly because they feel the h ave fail ed th eir own fathers , that they ha\ broken the bridge by having a gay son , an they understand this as. a failure of the own masculinity
I would like to offer a differ e nt , happi1 ve rsi on of this sce nari o . What can a gay so give his father on this day, besides , mo : important, his love? He can also give hi1 the gift of a new m odel of manhood an manliness. Being a man can me an beir loving , being moral , being emo tional present and supportive for everyone in h life . It can mean being a member not just ' a family, but of a community th at embrac• a larger, br oader vision of what the worl can be and how all people-women , m e1 children, heterosexuals and homosexualscan be treated with equality and These gifts may only be useful and enjoyf if the y are accepted by fathers. By acceptir their gay sons, and by loving them, fathe can accept n ew ideas about what it meal to b e a m an. They can continu e to bui those bridges b etween generations with lo · (Conti nu ed on page 23)
Finding the Child Within 0
n e of my cl ients carri es in h is bri efcase a fr amed photograp h taken w h e n h e was a c h ild. H e tr ea ts th e p icture wi th respec t , keeping it wrap p ed in a soft clo th an d h an dling it gently. Som e tim es we look a t th e ph otogr aph toge t h er, whil e h e t ell s m e ab o ut him s el f as a bo y.
Ano th er clie nt wi ll so m e tim es prop up an earl y boyh oo d p h otograph on th e sofa durin g h is session, as a re m ind e r o f a time befor e t h e ab u se
Th o rn Ha rri gan , co d i r ec t or of Th e Ne x t
Step Co un se li ng , as k ed eac h m e mb er o f a m en 's recovery group to brin g in a chil dh ood p ic tur e . H e r ep o rted to m e th a t most group m emb ers show ed up with several pictur es o f themselves and someti m es snap sh ots o f th eir famili es . They all kn ew th a t it was im portant to t h e m to m ake th ese connec tion s.
Part o f yo ur recovery work n ee ds to focu s on yo ur ch il dh oo d Tha t is , after all, wh en th e abu se too k pl ace. Th e boy yo u wer e is an imp o rtant so ur ce of info rm a ti o n abo,ut th e m an yo u h ave beco m e. Yo u carr y hi m wi th yo u ih th e fo rm o f m e mori es, fe elings , r eacti o n s , a ttitud es , p erso n ality, an d ph ys ical charac te ris tics. Th ere are a numb er of reas on s to get to know h im
At tim es yo u s till fe el li ke a scared, lo n ely, ab used child Part of your self- co nc e pt was fro zen a t th e tim e th a t yo u w ere abu s ed. Em o ti on all y, yo u d o n 't r ecogni ze that you h ave go tt e n thr o u gh th e or d ea l. Th e worl d s till fe els like a ri s ky pl ace W h e n yo u a r e co nfro nt ed wi th a difficu l t or frig h tenin g s itu a tion , tr y to as k yo ursel f, " H ow old d o I feel?" Ch an ces ar e t h a t yo u feel yo un g , s mall , and weak. Re turning yo ur a tt entio n to childh ood h elps yo u to get a b e tter p ic t ur e of wh o yo u w e re-and w h o yo u a re Init ia ll y, you m ay h ave so m e difficult y fi nding so m e thing po s itive to say abo ut yo ur yo unge r s elf. Many s ur vivors h av e carried th ei r n ega tive se lf-im ages fro m chil d h ood T h ey blam e th e m se l ves r a th er t ha n th e abu se fo r th eir unh ap pin ess , s h yness, fear, co n fu sio n , and iso la ti o n Noth ing could b e f urth e r fr o m th e truth . Th e fac t that yo u s ur vive d in to adu lth oo d is p roo f th a t, as a chil d, yo u were res ource fu l, cr ea tive, and s trong. (Yes, I' m talking a bout you !) Yo u owe a d eb t to th at littl e bo y. I t is beca us e o f hi s co ur age a n d d e t er mi na tion th a t you are m oving on yo ur recove ry toda y. And it is a d ebt th a t yo u are ab le to pa y. He
deserves your respect and friendship. You are an adult he can count on abso lutely. Yo u are living evidence that he will make it through h is difficult, lonely childhood. Recognize th a t h e was working by himse l f wi th li m ite d r esou r ces, and he ove r came tr e m endo u s odds. What a terrific li ttle guy! If he co ul d do all t hat without help and support, imagi n e wha t h e cou ld have accomplis h ed with th e righ t kind of care , love, and encourage ment . ge ttin g in touc h wit h th e rea lit y of yours elf as a child will help you tum around yo ur equ ally in accurate pict ure o f yo ur adul t se lf. Th ere are many ways to reconnec t wi th th e child wi th in you. Here are so m e su gges ti o ns:
1. Make use of photograp hs. If y ou can , take a look at pictures take n b efore 9 ' you were abused as well as aft er wa r d N ot ice h ow they are differen t
2 Write a Letter to yo urse lf as a child Tell h im how wo n derfu l h e is a nd tha t h e n ever deserved to be h urt. Reas sure him that he will s u rvive, and th at th e · abu se Will n ot go on
1 • .3. With th e h elp of fr iends, or in a wo rksh op or gro u p, create a drama or fant asy about yo ur chil dhood :
· • You can h ave so m eone else take th e role of you as a child while you reassu re him th a t he is fine a nd ever yth ing will be OK '
• Yo u ca n play out r eturnin g to the · s cen e of the ab u se as yo ur adult self, pr otec ti n g t he chil d by s t a n d ing u p to the p erpetra tor. Take alo n g allies or rein fo rcements if yo u like, b u t b e yo ur own h ero
• can se t up a sce n e of yourself as a child t'he;way) t always should h ave be en Imagine a safe childh ood , p eopled ' wi t h ki nd, lovi n g, p r o t ec ti ve adults.
4 Learn new way s to play. Do n ' t wo rr y abou t app earing foo li sh or feelin g silly That's wh at i t's all abo ut. Th ere's r;wthing like p layful ness to bri n g om th e child " wi t hi n you.
I recently saw a lapel butto n th a t sa id "It 's n eve r to o la t e to h ave a h appy childh oo d ." W h ile you can't change the past, yo u can fo rge a n ew perspec tive on i t th a t wi ll all ow yo u to h ave a happier adulthood. Befrie n din g an d r eassuring the c h ild within stron gly . rein forces adult recovery by cr eating new in s igh t int o past experiences.
Mike Lew, M.Ed., a psychotherapist, tra in ed cu ltural anth ropologist, and gro up leader, is codirector of The Next Step Counseli ng and Traini ng Ce nter in Brookline, Mass. A leading ex pert on recovery from sexual child ab use, particularly iss ues surrounding adult male survivors, he f reque ntly lectures and provides professional t raining and wo rkshops for survivors worldwide. Th is co lumn is excerpted from the second , upda ted and revised edit ion of his booh Victims No Lo n ge r : T h e Class ic Guide for Men Recovering fro m Sexual Ch ild Abuse (HarperCollins / Quill , 2004). Use d by permission. Mihe Lew can be co ntac ted a t nextstep@jamaicaplain.com, or go to his website, www. vict imsnolonger.org.
Resources for Survivors Organizations for Survivors
Malesurv ivor : Committe d to El iminating Sexua l Victimiz ation of Bo ys and Men (for merly NOMSV ) ww w. malesur vivor. org (800 ) 738-4181
Sexual ly Abused Males Surv i ving (SAMS ; Ca nada) www nsnet org/sams (902 ) 678-2913
Incest Resources ;•Inc 46 Pleasant St. , Cambridge , MA 02139
Natio nal Coalition Against , r . . ... www. dreamfngtfesigns .com/othei/indexn casa.html (717 } 728-9764
National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA ) ·- ' "' www. try-np va. org/index html (800} try't nova
One Voi ce: The National Alliance for Abuse Awareness an d America n Coa l ition for Abuse Awaren ess (ACAA) • •s•• .,,,, e-ma il acaadc@aol.comor Ovoicedc@aol.com (2 Q2 } 462-4688 f·
The Safe r Soc iety Foundation (Vermont} www. safersociety org (802 } 247-31 32
· Survivor:s and Vict ims Empow ered (SAVE} I!VWI't. s-a-v-e.org ( 717) 291-1940
Voices in Action , Inc (Victims of Incest Can Emerge Survivors } www voices-action. org (800} 7-VOICE-8 \ "'
12-Step Prq.g raQls
I nc est Surv i vors Anonymous (I SA} www: Ia to. org!rnedical/isa/home. htm l (562} 428 -5599
,. Sexual Abuse Anonymous (SAA} P O Box 9665 , Berke ley, CA 94709
Sexual As §ault Recov ery Anonymous Societ y (SARA ; Canada) ' (604 ) 584 -2626
Sur vivors of Ince st Anonymous (SIA) www.siawso.org (419} 893-33 ?2
Clergy Abuse Organizations
The Linkup (n ational organiz at i on of su rv ivors of clerg y abus e) www,thelinkup.com (773) 334 - 2296
Sur viv or Co nnectio ns, Inc . TheTrue Memory Foundation (Rhode Island) www angeffire com/ri/s ur vi vorconriections (401 ) 941-2548
Survivors Net work of Th os e ' Abuse d by Priests (SNAP) www:sur vivorsnetwork. org (312) 409 - 27 20
(Contimt ed on page 23 )
Stealth Men's Movies
By Michael Dover
Last Orders (2002)
Directed by Fred Schepisi
Whale Rider (2003)
Directed by Niki Caro
Wh at constitutes a " men's movie "?
In the context of Voi ce Male and our p ers p ec tive on masculinity, I would define the express ion as a movie that invites us to think abou t what it means to be mal e- the struggles and contradic ti ons that make up , and m ess up , the male experience. Two film s that accomplished thi s recently may have escaped men 's a t tentionone becaus e it got limited exposure in the United States, and the other because most of the attention was focused on the girl at the cent e r of the picture.
Th e first of these ls Last Orders , a British film that s hould have been in many more theaters than it was , if only for its remarkable cast: Mi chael Caine, Tom Courtenay, David Hemmings , Bob Hoskins, and Helen Mirren, to name the actors most recognizable in this co untry. Based on the 1996 novel by Graham Swift, its central story is about four men carrying out the last wishes-the "last orders" of the title-of butcher Jack Dodds (Caine) to deposit his ashes into the ocean at his favorite , seaside r esort town. Three of the
it hard to follow at first as the characters and their stories e merge slowly out of the complex ·combination of dialogue in the present and scen es remembered from the past. We see jack and Ray as buddies durin g the war We learn about the long-held resentment of jack's widow Amy (Mirren) for his rejection of their developmentally disabled daughter, and Vince's struggle around his having been adopted after his biological parents were killed in the Blitz. Our understanding of thes e men deepens as they continue on th eir journey and confro nt each other and themselv es around th e issues th at jack 's death h as brought to the surface. Amy, meanwhile , is on a pilgrimage of her own to - put jack ' s memor y to a sort of rest.
This is a film about men 's grief, not on ly at the death of a friend, but also in facing life's disappointments and failures. Each man in his way has experienced pain and loss , andjack's death becomes the occasion for them to mourn. (Perhaps Vic is the excep tion : the man most familiar with death seems most at peace with life .) And this is where it stands out as a men 's movie for me : seeing these men go through their lives, believing th ey can make their own d estiny, suffering the blows to those hopes and responding with bravado or rage . Th ey embody in many ways something we talk about often in these pages: men who have never learn ed to express or
party are his old friends: Ray (Hoskins) , also called Lucky, who works in insurance but makes his r eal money on the horses ; Lenny (Hemmings), a former boxer who still has a volati l e temper ; and Vic (Courtenay) , an undertaker who went into the family busi-. ness after World War II. The fourth member of the excursion is Vince (Ray Winstone), jack's adopted son, w ho didn't follow in his father 's footsteps but became a succes sful used-car dealer instead As they journey to the coast from the old London neighborhood where the y all have spent most of their lives, their separa te and connected stories emerge in flashbacks for each of them: their relationship with jack , the many hours of comradeshi p and conflict th at often played out in their favorite pub (" Last orders" a lso being the call from the bartender just before closing).
Last Orders can be a difficult film for American ears because of the working-class London accents, and some viewe rs may find
even r ecogni:;;:e their feelings. At the same time , their genuine love for one another is evident in almost every frame, even though - the characters themselves have no way to speak what's in their hearts . This is their tragedy, but that l ove remains their strength. And it's what they bring back from their mission to the sea.
Whale Rider is a stealth men 's movie . Based on the novel written for preteens by New Zealand Maori writer Witi Ihima era (a man) and performed by a superb all-Maori cas t , it tells the story of Paikea or Pai (magnificently portrayed by Keisha Castle-Hughes), a Maori girl who faces the sexism of her grandfather's rigid attachment to tradition . Koro (Rawiri Patene) , the grandfather, is the c hief of the village, and is convinced that a male heir is essential to the culture's survival. When Pai is born , she is a twin to a brother who dies at birth al ong with their mother. Pai 's grief-stricken father leaves the village and
his patrimony, leaving Pai to be raised by Koro and her grandmother, Nanny Flowers (Vicky Haughton) . Despite Koro's belief that Pai's birth is a curse, they develop a strong bond , but not enou gh for Koro to recognize Pai as his true h eir.
This is a parallel tal e of a girl ' s enormous strength and courage, and of a man's coming to terms with his prejudice As imp()rtant as Pai's story is , I found myself noticing the struggles of several male characters as equally essential to th e telling of this great story. In addition to Koro, there is Pai's father (Cliff Curtis), so estranged that he escapes to Europe and becom es an artist in a very modern Western culture. Koro's younger son Rawiri (Grant Roa), who has stayed in the village, is separated from his father not by physical but by emotional distanc e . If Koro and Rawiri agree on one thing, it 's that Rawiri is a fai lure , and you can sense that in Koro's every glance. Faced with no discernible heir, Koro decides he must train all the preteen boys of the village in the old warrior customs , hoping that a natural champion will emerge to be c ome his s u ccessor. But he goes at this with the same unyielding will that ha s separated him from his sons and granddaughter. One boy, Mele (Mana Taumaunu), who breaks down and cries under his withering criticism, is dismissed as no better than a girl.
Meanwhile, Pai has been receiving instruction from Rawiri , who in his day was quite the man for handling weapons and performing th e ritu als. For Rawiri, thi s becomes hi s way of defying hi s father as well as helpin g his niece. When Koro finds out that Pai h as been learning men 's rituals , hi s rage only increases.
Yet Pai still seeks not only h er rightful place but her grandfather's love. A heartbr eaking\ scene tak es place in the school assembly when she s ings a traditional song that she has dedicated to Koro , but he isn ' t there to h ear it. I won't reveal the reason for his absence, but suffice to say that th e story resolves in a quite magical and lyrical way Whale Rid er manages to portray so many different aspects of maleness whil e keeping its focus on the gi rl' s central story. Most important, of course, is the grandfather ' s inability to see past hi s old prejudices , and (Continued on page '23)
The Heart and Soul of Divorce
By Carl Erikson
Divorce, as columnist Carl Erikson reminds readers, speaks to a large percentage of men (and women) and cuts across boundaries of class and race. Its impact on men often continues for years after the decree is signed . n
The notion of "family reorganization," as Erikson describes it, is a concept society needs to begin embracing if we are to transform l· divorce from a system of winners and losers to one of fostering health and healing for children To help fadlito.te this needed change, with this issue Voice Male inaugurates a · new column, "Men in Divorce "
Many men process divorce the way they process so much else : as a problem to be solved They figure om the systems and the rules, apply them to the problem, and accept the solution Things , agreements, and actions constitute the whole of it
. We can process our divorces like this , no question-but ,cloing so is like saying a football game is >W SJJ <!l rmatter of moving the ball or a painting is just a matter of paint and brushes If we do that we are missing the heart and soul of divorce and ignoring its doorway to a more satisfying life
The heart and soul of divorce are the basic personal truths that lie within the man , in the woman, and in the children in the divorce What these truths are . What they say. Why they are ignored, repressed, denied, exploited, misunderstood . How they can expand and nourish the people whose truths they are • How they drove the people into places they didn ' t want to be or to actions they didn't want to do.
· Men tend to be not only ignorant of their truths, but in apparent denial that they even exist. In fact , men in their guts know these truths exist and that they constantly challenge the way men actually live their lives Society, from the time a man is a little boy, trains him to deny these truths and works to keep him ignorant of them From the first "Big boys don ' t cry" to the last "Suck it up, man, life's tough ," admonition , men are kept in bondage to some unknown god bent on denying reality
Come divorce, therefore, we just keep doing the same old thing
Processing divorce without participating fully in its heart and soul , however, leaves a man standing alone and unprotected before the grindings of the system and its rules It leaves men without purpose or direction, without the assurance to make good choices for themselves, without seeing the possibility of salvaging one or more good human relationships It leaves them without flexibility.
The heart and soul of divorce is about emotions , feelings, intuitions, the small voice that keeps whispering ugly little statements we know are true Recognizing emotions ,
naming them, understanding them , reading them, and moving with them are all things that men should know at the time of divorce Given the near total ignorance of these things by most men, a man entering the divorce experience faces a steep learning curve with little time to master it. Quitting, therefore, at the first incline looks awfully ,good , and many men do pack it in Trying to learn all this at the same time many of the largest foundation pieces in his life are shifting under him expands the confusions and fears exponentially Refusing to learn-or even refusing to recognize he needs to learn-leaves a man awash in seas so high he's sure he's going to drown , and often sets off anger driven by or depression fed on a diet of helplessness
How can men touch th e heart and soul of their divorce experience and understand the emotional content of their families while coping with the systems and rules of divorce? In "Men and Divorce," a six-session workshop for men entering the divorce rransition which I co-lead, we give a man three tools to use in this effort First, we slow his tendency to problem-solve way down , or get him to set it aside temporarily. This gives him space and time for reawakening his emotiona l intelligence. For some men, this proves to be the biggest trauma of all . Instead of fleeing from emotions , we're deliberately asking them to move toward them The most effective way we've found to lead these men toward their emotions is simply to acknowledge that they have lots of strong feelings right now, sitting in the workshop . Instead of ignoring them, we talk about them
Third , we help men develop their emotional literacy. At the most basic level, this means literally helping words for what they feel, for the various levels of feeling , for the connection between themselves and their emotions When they can name their feelings , men can learn how to read the messages in those emotions, how those emOtions show up in their bodies and minds, how those emotions play off of each other (Of course learning these skills is useful for all men, regardless of whether or not they are going through a divorce ) Finally, they learn how to respond to the feelings they now have enough words and understanding to talk about. They learn how to use the messages of their emotions to benefit themselves and the people around them , particularly their loved ones who are also going through what I have to call " family reorganization ." They learn to choose ways of releasing the energy of emotion without harming themselves and while respecting others. ' > ' With their emotions better understood and the energy of their emotions dispersed , men can reach the heart and soul of their divorce : the truths they, their wives and children are living. These truths can be ugly, funny, surprising , stressful, joyful-a wide range are experienced. Little ones, big ones , new ones , old ones Truths we lived by consciously Truths we never recognized except as stabs in the gut. Truths we didn ' t know were true for us. Whatever the truths, they affected us , our family, and our marriage , and will affect our divorce . A truth controls our attitude or action, or our denial or sup-
Second, we remind the men that their emotions are a natural part of their makeup , not an a5pect of themselves to be demonized or whose expression should be viewed negatively Emotions, we tell them, are normal in human beings, not dangerous , or for sissies Emotions contain important messages for us about ourselves ; they 're not signs of some weakness or failure as a male Emotions can be managed for our benefit; out-of-control scenes are not the only, unavoidable result of expressing feelings Many men find it hard to believe the truth of this assessment, and almost all men need help to build their capacity to accept their emotions
pression of that truth controls our attitude or action. Either way it played its•part, and will continue to play its part unless we choose to change that truth about •for, most of us , we live d our lives unconscious of these truths and often at odds with them. Knowing truths about themselves opens men to gaining new perspective. Men gain a choice of accepting or changing their n:uths They gain the ability to express th-ese rruths more effectively and safely because they ' re doing so consciously They gain srr0ng tools for making choices and for knowing when to defend themselves They gain the ability to look at others around them , particularly
the people closest to them, and identify what their truths (and therefore their choices, · responses , and lines of defense) might be . This moving toward e motion, the heart and soul of divorce, is not easy for us, and some of us have more difficulty with it than others Some of us have a tough time just accepting our emotions , but once we can accept them acquiring the rest of the tools happens quickly Some can accept their' emotions easily, but have ta ,tough time reading the messages their emotions are delivering or finding good ways to disperse the accompanying emotional energy. Others do fine with all ·of it-except they just don't want the responsibility of consciously acting on their truths. However men adapt to their emotions and to their truths , they will be slowly led-or pushed-along the path to a fuller understanding of who they ' ve been and a more conscious expression of who they are
As men move in this direction, they begin to see divorce less as an ending and more as a beginning , less as a problem to he solved and more as a difficult passage to experience 1his change in perspective enables men to focus on the doorway to a more satisfying life
' carl Erikson, who writes frequently for Voice Male, is the Men 's Resource Center's director of operations , as well as a writer and textile artist. The "Men and Divorce" workshops will be held again this fall , beginning September 26 For more information , call (413) 253-9887 , ext. 13. ·
Ej acul a li on Co nt ro l (Co nU1w ed fro m page 1 7) was indoctrinated wi th the modern American concept of copulation, so having sex without ejaculating seemed irrational and counterintuitive to me at first. Some men are simply not interested in delaying their sexual sat isfaction, and thus some women are left unfulfilled by the premature ejaculation of their mates
In my experience, women take an undetermined and changeable amount of time , based on many variables , to reach erotic fulfillment They do , however, generally take more time than a typical man takes to stroke straight to ejaculation Attempts by a man to set an arbitrary time of 5 , 15, or even 45 minutes before ejaculation creates a potentially problematic expectation that the woman must also reach her peak by that time . And if you, as a man , ejaculate before your woman is fulfilled, you have failed and must endure her disappointment. If you are not accosted with your failure immediately, you will suffer it in an indirect form in the future. Some of you know what I'm talking about. I suspect much of the tension that occurs between men and women is traceable to this unfortunate sexual dynamic.
This is a good point for a disclaimer I have not mastered ejaculation control, as my wife can attest. I don't always bring her to satisfaction before I ejaculate . In fact, my understanding of her satisfaction is evolving as I mature . I used to think the goal for her was to have an orgasm every time (as was my goal) As I listen to my wife more , I realize she doesn't need to reach the heights of passion each time we get horizontaL Thus, I begin to understand the famous female fascination with cuddling, which is much easier for me to participate in and enjoy if I am not racing off to ejaculation land This is the basic theory of ejaculation-free sex If you deem it worth a try, you can practice some exercises that !Ire best learned over time and are themselves the topic of full-length articles. Briefly, let me address one crucial aspect of the practice , the physical ability to control ejaculation
In The Tao of Health , Sex, & Longevity, Daniel P. Reid explains a simple exercise that teaches a man to "lock the gate" that controls ejaculation : "While urinating , a few seconds before the flow of urine stops , sharply lock the flow, as if you were ' holding it' while looking for a toilet. After a second or rwo , relax the contraction, let the flow of urine resume , then immediately ' squeeze it off' again Each squeeze will cause a strong spurt of residual urine as the (urethra) is contracted. Repeat this three to five times, or until no more urine spurts out when you squeeze , than hold the las t contraction for 5-I 0 seconds while you tuck yourself back in and zip up."
muscle you develop in this exercise is the same one you use to control ejaculation during sex Strengthening it will allow you to physically control your ejaculations with less difficulty. Once you locate the muscle you can practice contracting and relaxing it anytime. (Think of the added value to those boring meetings you have to attend!)
The more difficult aspect of the practice
will be convincing yourself there is pleasure beyond ejaculation This can only be known by direct experience. You needn't give up ejaculation entirely There is obviously · pleasure to be found there However, I am suggesting you sacrifice a percentage of your ejaculations for an even greater prize If you want to move beyond the ordinary realm of sexual interaction, exploring the deeper pleasures of ejaculation-free sex will open doors of delight for you and your mate. If you can gently bring your old mental habits under control by delaying ejaculation you may find, as I did, fruits of sexual pleasure that men addicted to ejaculating will never taste .'
Haji Shearer has been practicing sexual yoga for 20 years. He lives with his artist-wife in Boston He facilitates men 's groups and wrote "Becoming a Healing Warrior "for the Spring 2004 Voice Male He can be reached at hajishearer @juno com
l3rid ge to Manho od (Cont i ntl ed fr om pagt 18) and understanding, and not worry about their own masculinity. Hey, they could e\'en make their own trips to that "gay world" by attending a gay pride march with their son If there is pain between a father and his gay son, only the 1!Wo of them can stop it What better time M tdo it than now?
Michael Bronski has been a gay activist for 35 years and is visiting professor in the Women and Gender Studies Department at Dartmouth College. He is the author of Pulp Friction : · On Covering the Golden Age of Gay Male Pulps and three previous books . This article appeared originally on www beliefnet.com, the leading multifaith website for religion, spirituality, inspiration and more. Used with permission. All rights reserved
St ealth Men 's Movi es 21) the price he pays in his relationship to his sons. But there are also the two sons and their struggles with their father 's rigidity, and the boy Mele who , in addition to suffering at Koro ' s hands , feels the pain of his own absent father, who comes back to see him but leaves again before any meaningful connection can happen Among them all , the film paints a port rait of masculinity in transition, eventually transformed by Pai's own ascendance If the very end of the film seems a bit too feel-good, by that time it doesn't matter
By all means , take your daughter (and son) to see Whale Rider for Pai's wonderful story and Nanny Flowers' great wisdom. But watch the men, too. This is a beautiful film that powerfully conveys a message that tradition is best maintained and strengthened when men and women are genuinely equaL
Michael Dover is co-director of the Men 's Resource Center and writes frequently for Voice Male.
RESOURCES
Men's Resources
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual & Questioning Men, see page 19)
The American Ca ncer Society (413) 734-6000 Pros rate sup pon groups , patiem support groups, nutrit ional supp leme nt s, dressings and supplies, lit erawre , low-cost housing , and uansponation.
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free, confidemial HIV/ A!DS services, including supporr, prevention counseling and vo lumeer opponun iti es.
Children's Aid and Family Service ( 413) 584-5690 Special needs adoptio n services. Counse ling for individuals, families and chi l dren , with a p l ay th erapy room for working with children. Parent a id prog ra m for par e ms ex periencing stress.
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (eve nin gs). Overnight s helter for homeless individuals. 123 Hawl ey SL , Non h ampwn D oo rs open at 6 p.m
Men at Work is a Main e nonptofit providing opponuniries for men 18 and over w share their stories and learn life impro ve ment skills. Fatherhood , relationships, h ea lth , agin g, o ur fathers, addic tion s, me nt oring, and m o re. Tra ined professionals facili tat e. Free walk-in discussion group (Man to Man) meets in Porrland monthly, 7-9 p.m. on first Thu ,rsday, except Ju ly and Augusc Residentia l prog rams Cl- 3 days) also o ffered. For more information call Steve at (207) 865-2048 or ch ec k out www. healingm en. com
Sex &love Addicts Anonymous (SlAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals availab le for 12-step groups throughout Ne w Eng l a nd
TRY Resource/R eferral Center for Adoption Issu es ·
Educa tion and supp ort services for adcip tees, adoptive parents , profess ionals , etc. Supp o rt group m ee tings first Wednesday an d th ird Sunday of each m o nth Contact: ,Ann H enry (413') 584-6599
Fathers
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns
Looking for a lawye r7 Ca ll yo ur state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are so me webs it es that m ay be o f u se w yo u : www.acfc.org * · wwwjathering. org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfat her.com wwwjat her hoodproj ec t. org www.dadsrights.org * (not www.dadsrights.co m) wwwjathers.com wwwjatherhood.o rg wwwjathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com *
www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/1259 /li nks .h t m *
www. mens tuff. orglfra meindex. html (Fat herstuJ/)
* goo d resource
* * strongly recommended
At Home Dad .
www parentsp la ce.co m/ readroom / athom edad
The Fathers Resource Center www.s lowl a ne.co m!jrc
National Fatherhood Initiative · www. cyfc. umn .e du / Fathernet
The Fatherhood Project wwwjatherhoodproject.org
Internet Resources
Men's Resource Center of Western MassachuseHs
www m ensresourc ece nter.org
The Men's Bibliography
A co mpr e h ens ive ·online bibliography of writing on men , masculinities and sexualities www.anu .edu au/ -a112465/ mensbib lio / mensbibliomenu.html
XV Magazine www anu.edu.au/ -a112465/ XY!xyjhtm
Pro-feminist Men 's FAQ www anu.edu.a u/ -a112465! pjfaq.htm l
Pro-feminist Men's Mail list www anu.edu.au/-a1 12465/ profem .h tml
Violence Statistics www.anu.edu au/ -a112465/ vstats.html
Homophobia and Masculinities Among Young Men (lessons in becoming a straight man) onlin e anu.edu.au/-a l12465/homophobia html
National Men's Resource Center www.menstufforg
National calendar of events, directory of men 's services and a listing of books for positive change in men' s roles and relationships
The Men 's Issues Page www vix .co m/ pub/ men/ ind ex. html
100 Bl'ack Men , Inc. www 1OObm. org
Pro-feminist Men's Groups listing wwwjeminist.com / pro.htm
Pro-feminist Mailing list coombs.anu.edu au/ -gorkin / profem.html
Magazines
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co. uk/ achilles/ issues.html
XV: men , sex politics {from Australia) coo mb s.a nu.edu.au( -gorkin/ XY/ xyintro.htm
Ending Men's Violence-Real Men www. cs. utk. ed u/ html
The Men 's Rape Prevention Project www. mrpp .o rglintro html
QuiHing Pornography, Men Speak Out wwwgeocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/q uitpom. html
We need you as a supporter &reader!
To receive VOICE MALE and support MRC , send checks to : MRC
236 No. Pleasant St. Amherst, MA 01002
To donate on-line , go to www.mensresourcecenter. org and click on "Donate Now!" Name
july 17-24
Penobscot River, ME
Father &Son Canoe Trip
Arum O'Kane.
Cost: $160 by july 16 or $185 thereafter
Info: programs@theabode.net or (518) 794-8095
August 6-8
Bangor, PA
Le aping Upon the Mountains: A Men's Recovery Weekend
This a nnual weekend workshop is for nonoffending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse and other boyhood trauma. Our goal is to offer a recovery experience in a safe, 1 powerful environment of shared healing. Led ' by Mike Lew, M.Ed. and Thorn Harrigan, i· L.l.C.S.W
Cost : $310 ($150 deposit)
Location: Kirkridge Conference and Retreat Center, 2495 Fox Gap Road, Bangor, PA 18013
, Info : S.M.A.R.T. , PO. Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027-1295, smartnews@aol.com , http :// members. ao l. co m/sma rtnews /s mart-2 004,. co nfere nc e. htm
This experience provides men and boys (teenagers) to explore nature while deepening their sense of self. Not just for fathers and sons, this is an opportunity for an:y man to be a . much needed mentor for any boy in his life . '
Info: jody Grose (203) 778-4393 (evening) , , healingbear @rcn. com, www. returntothefire com r;
july 23 - 25
Near Lyons, MI !
Gender, Race &Sexism Ret reat
Facilitated by men, for men, this retreat will provide an opportunity for in-depth exploration of how we can challenge and heal sexism-by learning about sexism, finding the support of other men , and working as allies with women to create new patrerns of re,lating and to transform unjust structures. The retreat will use dialogue, experiential If, activities, and reflection to examine the pervasive effects of sexism on men's lives and those of women and children as well Led by Rodney Patterson and Brent Bilodeau .
Time: Friday 7 p.m.-Sunday 1 p.m.
Cost: $185 (includes program, mat eria ls , two nights' lodging , and m ea ls)
location: The Leaven Center, midway between Lansing and Grand Rapids , Ml
September 17-19
Sylvan Lake, NY
Autumn Gender-Free Dance Camp
Presented by Lavender Country & Fo lk Dancers
Location: Camp Circle Lodge Info : www.lcfd.org!lcfd!camp, camp@lcfd org or (978) 597-5861
September 18- November 27
Amherst, MA
Workshop in Basic Skills in Conscious Communication
Free lnrroduction Session Saturday, September 18 , 10-12 noon; eight weekly sessions Saturdays , 10-1 , October 2 through November 27.
Cost: $200-$250 (sliding scale) and an additional $25 for materials
Location: Men's Resource Center, 236 North Pl easant Street, Amherst Info : Karen Fogliatti, 413-253-9588,
October 1-3
Rowe, MA
Hug an Angry Man
Opening Our Co mpassionate Hearts with Cean LeClaire, sponsored by the Shantigar Foundation.
Info: www leaven .org; leav encenter@ leaven.org; (989) 855-2606 , Info: (413) 339-4332, email@shantigar.org, www.shatigar.org
j uly 3 0 - August 1
Keystone Heig h ts, FL
Summer Men 's Gathe ri ng
Sponsored by ln Hi s Fullness, Inc. Walking th e journey together into the fullness of manhood A weekend of brotherhood, where men can relax, attend participant-led workshops, engage in meaningful conversation, enjoy great food, and s har e their journeys together. (Registration Deadline: july 15, 2004)
Cost: $100-$150 per person
Location: Gold H ead Branch State Park
Info: inhisfullnes s@ya ho o.com
ju ly 3 0 - August 1
Lebanon, NY
Masculine Spir ituality Retreat
Abode Program s in Masculine Spirit uality: A Retreat fpr Men of All Ages with Thomas
October 15-17
New Milford, CT
Return to the Fire Weekend
This weekend workshop provides the safety needed for each man to explore the barriers blocking hi s true self from being expressed. Th e weekend begins Friday evening on a totally private island in the Housatonic River. Cost : $275
Info: jody Grose (203) 778-4393 (evening), healingbear@rcn. com , www.returntothefire. com
YOLUHTEER WITH V011CE MALE!
Interested? (413) 253-9887 or yoicema 1e@men sreso urc a en t e1 : org
Looking to Connect?
UPPORT GR OUP PROGRAMS
Men 's Group'
7 - 9 p.m at the MRC Amherst office 6:45- 8:45p.m. at the Council on 40 Main St., Northampton.
J\le11ne sa(\ys 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network h>rr"'"' "' " "' 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.) . '"'-"" ""-u drop-in group for men to talk t their lives and to support each other.
Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse t for men who have experienced kind of c hildhood abuse or neglect. 7- 8:30p.m. a t the MRC.
Bisexual & Questioni ng 7- 9 p m. at the ·MRC. Discus sion on iss u es of sexua l orientation
GBQ Sc hm oozef es t Events
nal eve nt s with ca tered food, art and c, opportu ni ties for interacting with men and other men who love m en from to Brattleboro and beyond.
jun e 1 , 3- 5:30p.m. at th e Garden Look Park , No rth ampto n, Mass.
FATHE RIN G PROG RAMS
• A variety of r es ource s are availableFathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, p a renting guidance , workshops , e ducational pr ese ntations and confere nces Group and individual counseling for n ew and expectant, separated/ divorced , gay. step, adoptive and other fathers/ futheF figures . .
YOUTH PROGRA MS
• Young Men of Co lor Leade rship Project Amherst
• Short Term Groups, Workshop s, Prese ntation s and Consultation s for Youn g Men and YouthServing Organizati ons
M EN OVERCOMINGVIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-c e rtified · barter er interve nti on program serves both vo lunt ary and co urtmandated men who have been physically viole nt or verba ll y/ e m o ti ona lly abus ive Fee subsidies available.
• Basic Group s Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 we eks) are h eld in Amherst, Athol , Belch ertown, Springfield, and Gr ee nfield.
• Fol low-up
Groups for men who h ave co mpleted the basic program and want to co ntinu e working on thes e is s u es are available in No rthampton, Greenfield and Amherst.
• Partner Services
Free phone support , resources , referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program
• Prison Groups
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.
• Community Education and Training Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available
• Speakers ' Bureau
Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are av ailable to speak at • schools and human service programs
WORkSHOPS & TRAINING
• Men & Divorc e
This workshop series can h elp you get your ·bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a s uccessful conclusion in thi s transition Six' Sunday afternoons At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. For information , call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13.
• Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations , and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men ," "Building Men's Community. " and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics Specific trainings and consultations also available
PUBLICATIONS
• Voice Male
Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays , reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity
• Children, Lesbians and Men : Men 's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sp erm Donors
A 60-page manual which answers the qu estions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there "
RESOURCE & REFERRAL SERVICES
• Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities , and support programs for men
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