• White Men Challenging Racism
• Welcoming Home the Troops
• Sen. Santorum's "Family Values "
• Why End[ng Violence Against Women Is Men 's Work
• The Fragile State of Men's Health
Hunting .for the Terrorist Within
By Rob Okun
The aftermath of the Iraq war accenruated the grip old models of leadership still have on the world . From George Bush in the U.S . to KimJong Il in North Korea ; from Ariel Sharon in Israel to Yasir Arafat in Palestine , men are still "leading" with behaviors based on desttuctive emotions such as feai; and hatred
The buildup to the war had many teetering between hope and anguish . Millions on every continent had said no to killing, but we were unable to stop the assault. Where to rum for inspiration?
In an op/ ed in The New !Vrk Times in April, lenzin Gyatso described how insights into curbing desttuctive emotions found in Buddhist meditation practice are beginning to be substantiated by scientific research. The emotions in question-angel; fear, and hatred-are feelings men are more than a litde familiar with.
For the last 15 years, l£nzin Gyatso-you may know him as the Dalai Lama-has beeh engaged in conversations with Western scientists on topics ranging from quanrum physics and cosmology to desttuctivt; emotions and compassion. With so many world problems arising out of anger, fear, and hatred, the Dalai Lama is working with scientists to demonstrate how s tates of being achieved by advanced meditation practitioners can serve as models for helping people learn to diminish desttuctive emotions. What the scientists are documenting is that meditation practice seems to make people calmei; happier, and more loving, and at the same time less prone to desttuctive emotions (The Dalai Lama discusses these findings in a new book, Destructive Emotions: Haw Can We Overcome Them?)
Think back to the fall and wintei; when so many were pleading the case'for skillfully waging peace over blindly waging war. Our voices fell on deaf ears in official W!shington and London (and Madrid) There, anger and fear and hatred found fertile soil in which to breed But what would have happened had Bush and Blair consulted the Dalai Lama? ·
Is it too "soft" an idea for men to engage in contemplative practice? Are men still too wrapped up in their identities as hunters and warriors to take the time to be quiet , to be still?
(Before you recall the recent image of George Bush landing on an aircraft carrier to speak to the nation in a warrior's flight suit.)
Much emphasis is placed on what transpires in the outer world-on hunting the external enemies , the terrorists Wouldn't we also do well to investigate such internal enemies as desttuctive emotions-our inner terrorists?
We all have desttuctive emotions But for men, learning to diminish them is urgent Can we find the courage to unflinchingly examine our inner lives? Can we become intimate enough with our interior world that we might begin to understand our motives and actions in the "real" world?
The image of Bush, Kim, Sharon , and Arafat sitting together in silence at a meditation retreat may elicit a rueful smile. But if they did, each
might discover his shared humanity, and from such common ground they might choose to resolve problems quite differendy Investigating our inner world can bring great benefit to our outer lives Imagine what could happen if men took up that task with the same determination with which we scale the highest mountaintops and plumb the depths of the ocean floor.
•
Investigations into men's inner lives form an undercurrent running through this issue . Canadian Willow Brocke suggests starting the exploration early in "Beneath the Armor: Uncovering the Secret Hearts of Boys" (page 8), a guide for anyone wishing to reach and help our boys . "White Men Challenging Racism " (page 10) , excerpted from a new book of the same name by Cooper Thompson, Emmett Schaefer, and Harry Brod, takes a differem tack. offering first-person accounts of white men who made a difference confronting racism . A book review by former Men's Resource Center (MRQ board member Shellie Taggart of Worked to the Bone by Pem Davidson Buck (page 12) explores race , gender, and class and their connection to American masculinity In "Whx Ending Men's Violence Is Men 's Work" (page ' 13) , antiviolence educator Jackson Katz entreats all men to take up the snuggle to prevent violence against women, and in "Being a 'Good Guy' Isn't Enough" (page 15), former NFL football player Don McPherson suggests men get involved because it is everyone's issue Paul Ehmann's brave Notes from Survivors column, "Memory Has No Starute of Limitations" (page 16), is an honest portrayal of living every day with the memory of childhood sexual abuse . In Fathering, my daughter's graduation from high school was the catalyst for sharing some feelings about the journey of fatherhood (page 17). OutLines contributor Barbara Allen offers a moving counterpoint to the antigay remarks of Sen Rick Santorum CR-Pa.) in "What Pan of ' Family ' Don't You Understand?," a moving account of life in a two-mom family (page 18) . In Men &: Health, "Men's Health Diagnosis : Poor" (page 20) details the reasons men need to stan taking better care of themselves A new occasional column, Men Overcoming Depression , is inaugurated with '1\ New Journey, a New Spirirual Home " (page 21), a personal story by MRC suppon group facilitator Bob Sternberg Fmally, Color Lines offers a realistic view of where southern African men's consciousness about AIDS is nowadays in "Redefining Masculinity in the HN/AIDS Era" (page 23)
As always, hearing from you is what gives particular meaning to our work. Please write us May you find advenrure and relaxation this summer in just the right measure . To
Administrative Staff
Executive Director ,... Steven Botkin
Associate Director- Rob Okun
Director of Operations - Carl Erikson
Development Coordinator- Sp irit Joseph
Men Overcoming Violence
Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Clinical Supervisor- Sara Elinoff
Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel
Partner Services Coordinator- Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator- Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator- Scali Girard North Quabbln Community Educator- Tom Sullivan
Administrative Coordinator- Edgar Cancel
Group Leaders -James Arana, Eve Bogdanove, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Karen Foglialli. Scott Girard. Steve Jefferson. Joy Kaubin. Dot LaFratta. Gary Newcomb, Susan Om ilian, Tom Sulliva n, Steve Trudel
Immigrant and Refugee Program
Director - Juan Carlos Arean
Youth Programs
Coordinator - Jeff Harris
Group Leaders -James Arana, Edgar Cancel. Julius Ford Jell Harris
Voice Male Magazine
Editor - Rob Okun
Managing Editor- Michael Burke
Senior Editor- Steven Botkin
Designer - Chandler & Co
Copy Editor- Michael Dover
Support Programs
Director - Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi, Michael Burke. Andy Dennison. Jim Devlin, Michael Dover. Carl Erikson, Jerry Garofalo,Tim Gordon. Ken Howard. Rick Kapler. Gabor Lukacs. Rick Martin , Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan. Rob Parle!, Nelson Pinette, Roger Stawasz. Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, Sheldon Snodgrass. Bob Sternberg, Patrick Tangredi, John H Thompson, Les Wright
Board of Directors
Chair - Peter Jessop
VIce Chair - Thorn Herman
Clerk - Michael Dover
Treasurer - Sudhakar Vamathevan
Members -Charles Bodh( Jenny Daniell
Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner. Jack Hornor. Yoko Kala, Brenda L6pez Mathew Due/let
Advisory Board
Michael Bardsley, Larry Beane, Dean Cycon , Bailey Jackson , Luis Melendez, Matthew Morse. Cheryl Rivera. Elizabeth Scheibel. Felice Yeske/
Editor's Note
Opinions expressed herein may not rep resent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC We welcome letters. articles. news items, article ideas, and events of interest We encourage unsoliciteif manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male, 236 No. Pleasant St Amherst. MA 01002; voicemate@mensresourcecentewrg.
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Welcome Them Home
By Steven Botkin
The soldiers are returning
Who will welcome them home?
While people who agreed with the U .5. war in Iraq called upon us to "support our troops ," those of us against the war said , "We also support our troops, " and "Bring them home ." Now that they are coming home , how will we support them?
For they are not simply "the troops." They are people whose lives have been directly impacted by the violence of war. They are men and women from our community--our ' colleagues and neighb ors, ours sons and our daughters. And who welcomes them home makes a profound diffe rence
Will those of us who protested against the war and marched for peace now look the other way as these veterans return to our communities? Will we leave the responsibility of welcoming them hom e to those who supported the war? In our fear and anger will we stereotype them , judge them, or shun them7 Will we ignore them as painful reminders of how we were not able to prevent our government from imposing its will on the world using violence? Will we treat them as symbols for our political agendas?
It is time for those of us w h o stand for peace to make good on our words and support these veterans of war as they return to our communities. Can we see how welcoming them home is one essential next step in our movement for peace? .
As soon as we affirm our connection to thes'e members of our own community, as uncomfortable as that may be, we leave behind " Us versus Them" thinking and begin to build bridges of peace within the community. We open ourselves to listen and to learn more about the profound impact of war We make ourselves available to help in the recovery and healing of people in our community who have been traumatized by violence. We support them in taking off the armor they have had to wear in order to survive a war. And we create opportunities for finding new allies in our search for pea ce, sometimes showing up in unexpected places
This is what we have been doing for the past 20 years at the Men's Resource Center: reaching out to people who are systematically expected to use domination and violence. We are welcoming home men and boys who have resisted these expectations. We are also welcoming home boys and m en who have enacted the dominating and violent forms of
masculinity. To both we say: "You are not alone. We care about you . Here is a community that will support you in recovering from the trauma of these expectations and your experiences with violence. We will support yo u in being true to yourself. Welcome h ome "
Just as the Men's Resource Center has committed itself to reaching our to boys and men , we must now welcome home these veterans. We must let them know we will not abandon them as they return from the traumas of war. We also recognize that many women served in the armed forces overseas , and to them we also say: Welcom e home
And if we truly are to stand for peace we might even find a way to join together with others in our community who have different opinions about the war so that together we could welcome them home . So that they might see a diverse community where differences do nor mean disresp ec t ; a community that values itself and its members enough to join together to provide co mfort and caring for those who have been taken from us a nd sent into war. In this way we might practice peacemaking as a community, saying to these returning veterans o f war:
"Your community welcomes you back from war. Although we speak with many voices, you are part of us and we are glad you are home We welcome you back to a community co mmitted to peace. We know you have had to put on armor to be at war We know the experience of war can be traumatic. We want to help you recove r from these experiences We want you to know that you are safely back in your community, so you can now take off the armor. Please help us create our community of peace. Welcome home."
I am grateful to Gordon Retcher-Howell, a Vietnam veteran , and an out spoken opponent of the invasion of Iraq , for offering me this vision of a diverse community taking responsibility for welcoming home its veterans To contact Steven Botkin , write him
To the Mountaintop
For those who may have missed it, I just want to let everyone know that MRC executive director Steven Botkin' s address at the Martin Luther Kingjr breakfast in Amherst was truly an amazing , fabulous talk It embodied everything that makes me proud to be associated with MRC and everything that today's world and our community need to be reminded of in the King legacy. It was artfully crafted, passionately and honestly delivered, smart ly interactive , and profoundly revolutionary in the deepest , communitarian, spiritual sense of that word .
I worked with Dr. King in a few campaigns (fortunately never had to follow him on the speaker's platform-though I did with Ralph Abernathy and Hosea Williams) . I sat about 10 feet below the podium at Jim Lawson's church in Memphis wh en King gave his "''ve been to the mountaintop" speech just before he was killed. I have no doubt that he would have been proud in the extreme to hear the manner in which his legacy was invoked by Steven. It was a sermon that dug deep under the soul and stirred all of those present to a renewed sense of the challenges and the hopes before us in today 's world , including today's Amherst.
You 've got the gift, Steven, and I am thankful for how you use it and that I can be associated with you and all of the MRC-Voice Male included-in this ongoing struggle for "truth, justice , and peace" (the event 's theme) We Shall Overcome . Tom Gardner Amherst, Mass
Days of Silence, Days of Hope
I found out about Voice Male from the Media Education Foundation website (www.mediaed .org) on alternative views about the September 11th attacks (see also "Gender, Violence and September 11th," Voice Male, Winter 2002) I was intrigued by the comments made about masculinity and the impulse for "revenge" caused by the attacks, and decided to look into the magazine. One of the main reasons why I decided to subscribe is that it would provide me with some ideas to help make some changes in the school that I attend I am vice president of a gay-straigh t alliance group at Wilton High School in a highly conservative community. While I am not gay myself, I think it is ludicrous for anyone to think that gay and lesbi'an people do not have an equal place in society. It is a difficult task to convince many of my fellow students of this , however. Even after over
two years of existence , our group still runs into trouble when organizing events Most of the signs that the group puts up get tom down, and we made an agreement today that we would all carry around replacement signs from class to class because of this We have even resorted to covering the posters with as much tape as possible, which only seems to slow people down We must have already gone through 50 signs for the "Day of Silence" on April9 . There is hope, however. Last year's day of silence included over 100 people. We made t-shirts for the event , and seeing multitudes of people wearing them around school was comforting While the school administration did not allow us to recommend to the student body to remain silent during class last year, through a presentation to the teachers, we were able to do so for this year 's event Also, the has this year included the Gay Straight Alliance as an official club with a budget, and one of the group 's members is the administrator for the school website , which allows us to more easily get our message across.
If you have any issues or strategies that might be helpful to educate a conservative student body about gay issues, I'd love to hear about them.
Brian Schoonmaker Wilton, Conn
Blessings Given and Received
Thank yo1:1 to Voice Male and the MRC for: the full-page ads you publish; Rob Okun's moving words on public radio; you r commitment to changing the old male power models; Scott and Nancy Girard's participation on Oprah; and everything you do! Your work is a blessing to the world.
Marilyn Marks Haydenville, Mass.
ANew Paradigm
Having worked with families where male violence against women and children occurred for several years, I was moved to hear of the programs at the Men's Resource Center and your publication, Voice Male. Thank you for picking up this piece of a complex puzzle. I am currently involved in a training program at the Family lnstitute of Cambridge (Mass.). Recently, we spent several hours examining beliefs that "restrain men" from "taking responsibility." The source for this discussiol\ was the book Invitations to Responsibility : The Therapeutic Engagement of Men Who Are Abusive by Allan Jenkins (Adelaide, Australia: Dulwich Centre Publications, 1990). This text can be viewed at dulwichcentre.com.au. This is home base for the Narrative Therapy community. I found Jenkins's paradigm/process hopeful and productive and I wondered if your readers might, too
Name withheld ey request
Amherst, Mass
Good Men in Lone Star State
Thank you for all the support and for the copies of Voice Male I have distributed them to numerous colleagues around the state of lexas I believe they have also benefited the men I've encountered through the work that I do. I spoke on the phone with Steven Botkin
when I was visiting the MRC of Northern New Mexico for a iraining and dialogue . His advice and story were invaluable Paz y muchas gracias. Emiliano Diaz de Leon Fami!Y Crisis Center Harlingen, Tex.
Carolina Shout
I have been doing a little work with The Raleigh (N C.) Men's Center. I was doing some research on other centers to prepare for a meeting and was very impressed by what I learned about th e Men's Resource Center and Voice Male. I did a lot of gender, feminist and men's studies work when I was in sch ool and th ink receiving your lite ratu re provides some interesting "food for thought. " Thanks for yo ur work.
Terri Allred, Executive Director
The Women 's Center, Chapel HiU , N C. Web: http ://www.womenspace org
Email : director@womenspace org
Surfing Our Turf
I became acquainted with your website and magazine through a search I did on the Web of "men's movement ." I'm doing research for an upcoming seminar for women entitled "PowerUp ," and I wanted to get information and another "voice" concerning men's issues that are complement;ary in focus to women's issues
Thanks again, and I will refer others to your website Peace Rev Kimber!Y]. Chandler Taylor, Mich
Gays in Baseball: If
You Write About Them, Will They Come Out?
As one sponswriter said recently, it 's hard to believe that in 2003 , 56 years after Jackie Robinson broke th e color barrier, we're even having this conversation.
The "conversation" is about gays in baseball, and it 's been fueled by the homophobic comments of a majorleague player, a popular Broadway play, and the justreleased autobiography of a former player who 1:\as come out of the closet.
ToddJones, a veteran relief pitcher for the Colorado Rockies , told the Denver Post this spring, "I wouldn't want a gay guy being around me All these people say he 's got all these rights. Yeah , he's got rights or whatever, but he shouldn' t walk around proud . It's like h e' s rubb ing it in our face ." The comments provoke d a variety of reactions , from a public apology by J ones's team for his "unfonunate remarks " to criticisms of) ones by popular player Mark Grace, spons talk show host Jim Rome , and espn.cm;n columnist and baseball writer Rob Neyer, to the response of Minnesota Twins outfielder Torii Hunter, who told the St. Paul Pioneer Press that "a man's supposed to be a man , and a woman's supposed to be a woman ." Whatever that means.
The Jones furor may have been a case of life imitating an imitating life, as a play that recently moved to Broadway depicts a similar controversy surrounding a gay ballplayer. The . play, Take Me Out , by Richard Greenberg and starring Daniel Sunjata, may itself have bee n
inspired by the homophobic and rac ist comments made in Sports Illustrated in 1999 by then Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker.
a former pro ballplayer has just published his autobiography, in which h e talks about his years on the field, in the locker room-and in the closet. Going the Ot her Way: Lessons from a Ufe In and Out of Major-League Baseball , is the story of Billy Bean, who played for De1;t0it, Los Angeles, and San Diego in the major leagues, as well as in the minors and in Japan and Central America.
Bean worked hard an d tried to live the baseball life, even to the point of getting married and ignoring the antigay locker-room talk around hi m. He · kept the secret of his sexual identity from his tea mm ates and family, but his male lover, Sam Madani, moved in with him when Bean was called up to the San Diego Padres. Madani died of AIDS in 1995 , Bean's last year in the majors , and Bean had no one to whom he could confide his loss. He began to accept his gay id entity, and came out to his fa mily shonly thereafter. He carne out publicly in 1999-apparently the only living form er major leaguer to acknowledge his homosexuality (former Dodgers outftelder Glenn Burke came out in 1994,just before he died of AIDS).
Bean, who is on tour aro und the country promoting Goi ng the Other Way , says Todd Jones's comments were egregio us but typical of ballplayers' attitudes toward gays. "The things jones was talking abo ut, like a guy s trutting arou nd the locker room, (are) jus t idiotic," Bean says. "The idea that a gay man or a lesbian is going to disgrace themselves or their career is ludicrous You wo rk your whole life to get to th e majors, and when I was in the clubh ouse, all I th ought abo ut was working hard, winning games, getting some hits and trying to keep my career alive . That 's what most guys have to do every day."
' ''Anyone who says the kind of ignorant (s tufO like J on es has problems ," Bean con tinues. " It just sh ows baseball needs diversity and awa reness training, and that goes for race ,
Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy
creed, color, religion , sexual orientation and everything. I just want a few minutes with (baseball commissioner) Bud Selig, but so far nothing We've made so much progress in so many ways. Major league spons (and) the male spons environment may be the last frontier."
Will a currently active player come out as gay? Bean thinks that day could still be some ways off. " It would have to be a superstar near the end of his career with a long-term contract and security and millions in the bank ," he says "From that point forward, with the media and the way the landscape is, h e would never again get to talk about baseball, and his life wo uld be turned upside down ."
Sources for this story included The Oregonian (Portland), The Daily Herald (Arlington Heights, lll.), the Denver Post, and usatoday.com.
Coaching Boys to Become (Nonviolent) Men
How do you stop a 30-year-old man from beating his wife? Talk to him when he's a 12year-old
That's the message on a banne r currently draped across th e San Francisco Giants' ballpark, Pacific Bell Stadium . In a story in the online publication Women 's Enews (womensenews .org) , it was reponed that the banner is pan of a n ew domestic violence prevention campaign called "Coaching Boys into Men, " sponso red by the Family Violence ]:>reven ti on Fund to give men the tools to teach boys that violence against women and girls is wrong. Sin ce 1994 , the Fam ily Violence Prevention Fund , in pannership with the Advenising Council , has sponsored public ed u cation campaigns to raise awareness of domes tic violence. Th e coaching cam paign is on e of an increasing num ber of programs aime d at middle and high school boys in many states (including Massachusetts, Michigan , Texas , and California) in the hopes of s topping d omesti c violence before it stans (A Family Violence Prevention Fund PSA airing locally directs people to the Men's Resource Center's Men Overcoming Violence program ) (continued on next page)
"Internal Mediation " is based on "The Work of Byron Katie " and Thorn Herman is a certified "Practitioner of the Work Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts .
Thorn can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation. He also works with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield , MA .
For more infonnation check out Thorn's web site at:
(con tinued from previous page)
"In high school , boys don't often talk to their parents , " said Lynne Lee, director of publi c edu ca tio n for the Family Violence
Preve ntion Fund "We want coaches to use th eir role m o del positions to send a positive message
Expe rts w o ny that possessive dating beh avio r is affecting younger age groups, and res earch has found that many teens believe so me dating vi olence is acceptab le U.S
De partm ent o f]u s tic e statistics indicate that wo m e n ages 16 to 24 are nearly three times m ore vuln era bl e to intimate partner violence (excluding intim a te partner homicide) than wo m en in oth er age groups And nearly one in five fem ale hig h s chool students report being physica lly or sexually abused by a dating pann e r, according to the American Medical Ass oc iatio n
Th e s loga n o f the "Coaching Boys into Men" campaign is ""leach Early Teach Often." Organizers want to dispel media messages that teac h boys tha t b e ing a man means being " tough " and "in control." Coaches can use the ir a uth o ri ty to talk about when aggressive beh avior is appropriate and when it's not.
The ca mpaign also involves posters , Tshi rts , a nd traii:Jing materials One of the most p o pu lar posters features a growth chart of boys from ages six to 18 These im ages are juxtapos ed with messages boys receive: "make the d ecis ions ," "take charge , " and "win at all costs:" At the foot of the poster is the message : "Men 's viol enc e against women is learned It can be unlearned "
Fo r more information , contact the Family Viole nce Prevention Fund, http ://endabuse . org/ ; or the Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse ,' http ://www:mincava umn.edu/.
365 Days of Peace
A new peace calenda r to benefit the Men's Resource Center and the Western Massachusetts office of the American Friends Service Committee is being produced later this year by Northamp ton, Mass., abstract nature photographer and Voice Male contributor Charlie Henan.
The 2004 Peace Cale ndar Project will feature stunning photographs taken primarily around Western Massachusetts and will include a few views taken on Monhegan Island in Maine. "The photographs illuminate the incredible natural beauty of o ur region," Henan said, "and demonsrrate through narure's beauty aspects o f the essence of peace ." All profits from sales of the Peace Calendar will be donated to the MRC and Western Mass AFSC.
lf y ou o r someone you know ca n a n s wer "Yes" to any of these questions you o r the y may h ave a problem wit h a bu se Without help , it c ould get worse A t Me n Overcomi ng Violen ce , men ca n learn to change Call us to schedule a confide ntial app o intm e nt with o n e of ou r traine d s taff. W e can help before it's too htt e.
MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE
" Both the Me n' s Resource Center a n d Western Mass. AFSC do stellar w ork o n b e half of peace , justice, community b u ilding, and positive s o cial ch ange both locally and beyond ," said Hena n in explaining h is cho ice of be n e ficiari es
To rais e fun ds to produce the initial1 ,5 00 high qu ality color printed calendars, Henan is sponsoring a m onthly poetry reading, "Poe try for Peace" in North ampton , on the second Thursday of each m onth
To rece ive a p eace cale nda r o rd er form , view Ch a rli e Henan's photography portfo li o, see links an d desc ri p ti o ns of the reci pient organizatio ns , or for more informatio n ab out " Poetry fo r Peace," see www.fla mings ph ere corn/peace cale nda r or ca ll Henan at (413) 586-6824. •
An MRC Grows in Worcester
A n ew m en 's organization, the Men 's Resource Ce nter o f Cent ral Massachus etts, was launched in th e wake of a blizza rd this past winter with a prese n tati on by the (Wes te rn Mass ) MRC's Steven Botkin to abo ut 40 m en and women, inclu di ng counselo rs , cl ergy, business pe o pl e, a n d educators . Th e new group has since forme d a s tee ring committee and fo rmula ted a m issio n s tatement: "To enha n ce, e nrich and s u p port th e lives o f m en in the ir relations to t hemsel ves, with on e an o ther, a n d with women a nd children in their famili es and communities." Like
oth er MRCs (such as the MRC of No rthern New Mexico and the Monadnock Men 's Resource Center in Keene , N H ) , the new group is not formally affiliated with the 20year-old MRC of Western Massachusetts but has ties to it. All of the newer groups have d o ne trainings or cons ul tations with the Men's Resource Center of Western Mass . The Worcester group 's coordinator is newspaper editor and minister Bill Patten; also involved is Donald Unger, who has written frequently for Voice Male.
The group's premiere eve nt was a public showing of the documentary Tough Guise about the American mythology of masculinity The MRCCM also cosponsored a workshop in May on fathering with the Fathers and Family Network of Central Massachusetts, and held a booth a t the Worcester Father's Day Father 's Fest on june 14
Starting n ex t fa ll, the group intends to collect the data to organize and publish a guidebook of the full range of various services currently being offered for men and boys by all the organizations-schools, churches, hospitals , and priVate and public social agencies-in Central Massachusetts. The intent is to reduce · duplication and increase the knowledge and availability of such services. The group also hopes to have some direct service programs , such as support for men around divorce , now in the planning stage.
The Cenual Mass. MRC's address is 72 Pleasa nt Street, Worcester, MA 01609 ; phone (508)
Men Walking Against Violence
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Montl) , and this year the Men's Resource Center is planning to do a walk through Hampden , Hampshire, and Franklin Counties to suppon its Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) barterer-intervention program . Still in the early planning stages, the walk is expected to take place in early October over about five days and will cover about 75 miles
Participants will be stopping in communic ties along the way to hold vigils and attend community awareness events The primary purpose of the walk is to raise public awareness of MOVE as a men's response to domestic violence To raise funds for MOVE, the MRC is inviting businesses to be sponsors of the walk and encouraging (but not requiring) walkers to solicit sponsors for their own panicipation. If you're interested in learning more about the walk, contact Michael Dover at the MRC, (413) 253-9887 , ext. 16, or watch the MRC website, www.mensresourcecenter.org, for more details later in the summer.
Condemning Misogynist Video Games
The executive directors of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts (MRC) and the Everywoman's Center at the University of Massachusetts (EWC) have joined together to draw attention to a misogynistic new video game.
Several years after the National Institute on Media and the Family alened parents about Duke Nukem , a video game in which the player enters a room where naked women are tied to posts pleading with the gamer, "Kill me. Kill me, " along comes Grand Theft Auto 3 ln this top selling game of the past players are rewarded if they murder a prostitute after having sex with her Grand Theft Auto : Vice Oty picks up where GTA 3 left off with its violence toward women, according to the MRC's Steven Botkin and EWC's Carol 'Mlllace
The game was released late last October and sold more than 1.4 million <;opies in two days. making it the fastest sales stan for a video game in the 30-year history of the industry Experts predict it will eventually sell10 million copies, grossing almost a half billion dollars By comparison, Pokemon , a phenomenon in its own rtght, only sold 5.1 million copies.
According to Botkin and 'Mlllace, "The manufacturer, Rockstar Games, is making enormous profits from a video game that promotes a culture of disrespect and violence toward women . This is insulting and harmful to girls and women and boys and men everywhere Rewarding players for killing women in a sexualized context should never be a source of entertainment .
''As organizations committed to challenging rtgid gender stereotypes, ending all forms of violence and abuse and promoting healthy relationships between women and men, the Everywoman's Center and the Men's Resource Center are calling on Rockstar Games and other video game producers to stop using sexualized violence in their games We are asking the video game rating board to include a 'sexualized violence' tag to their rating options. And
we are calling on parents and young people to demand and buy games that do not use sexualized violence as entertainment."
Readers interested in contacting Rockstar Games to register opinions about their products can go to wwwrockstargames com.
Execs and Pols See Domestic Violence Costs on the Job
Nine in 10 senior executives from Fortune 1,000 companies believe that dom estic violence affects both the private lives and working lives of employees , but only 12 percent of them are willing to do anything about it, according to a recent study supported by Uz Claiborne , Inc.
Although companies nationwide are losing an estimated $3 billion to $5 billion a year from decreased productivity and employee absenteeism as a result of domestic violence, employers are still reluctant to take action against what has traditionally been regarded as a social problem, according to a repon about the study published in Women's Enews (wwwwomensenews org)
"America 's corporate leaders understand the prevalence of domestic violence ," says Paul R. Charron, chairman and chief executive officer of Uz Claiborne, Inc . "They understand the bottom-line impact of domestic violence In fact , more than half personally know people in their companies who have been affected by domestic violence And yet they still think it is someone else's responsibility to d eal with it. "
Two-thirds of surveyed executives put domestic violence on a par with terrorism as an important social issue , but they believe that the family should be the main institution
responsible for addressing it since most of the violence occurs in the home An AFL-CIO study, however, found that barterers commit 13 ,000 violent acts against their partners in the workplace each year, posing serious threats to the safety of coworkers in the workplace environment
One organization that is trying to address the problem is the Corporate Alliance to End Parmer Violence. The alliance brings together dozens of progressive companies across the United States to exchange information, collaborate on projects , and use their collective influence to instigate change. Members such as Uz Claiborne , Inc , and Altrta Group, Inc , formerly known as Philip Morris Companies lnc. , have instituted programs to increase awareness ab out domestic violen ce within their own ranks as well as suppon nationwide initiatives in communities where they have a strong business presence. Th e Uz Claiborne study marks the latest development in the company 's 11year domesti c violence awareness campaign
The company's Women Work program. begun in October 199 1, includes public service announcements , T-shirts, free posters, bro chures and handbooks, fund-raising and the forging of parmerships with local retailers and community groups to increase awareness abo u t domestic violence in the workplace
Altria' s Campaign Against Domestic Violence hop es to reach some 57,000 employees, and its Do ors of Hope program has given more than $6 million to lo cal shelters and domestic violence programs in communities across the country since 1998.
While these companies are trying to change things at a corporate level, politicians are addressing work-related issues connected to dom estic violence on the political stage
(Continued on page 22)
Uncovering the Secret Hearts of Boys
ByWillowBrocke
Iwould never have disco vered it if I hadn't been so desperate for a job. It was 1998 and I had just graduated with my undergradu ate degree in Social Work. Through a string of eve nts, I found myself in a new community, with no contacts and a burning need to save the world while continuing to make my car payments. First thing Monday morning, I did what all good, unemployed folks do : I went to th e local cafe, ordered a regular coffee and waited for the latte-drinking guy beside me to leave the morning paper on the chair. Then I moved in It only took a few classified moments before I saw it: a local nonp rofit was looking for a "youth and family worker " to work with "behavior-disordered boys and their families. "
"Eureka! " I thought to myself, ''Latte here I come " Then I read it again The words "behavior-disordered boys" began to flash in red on the second reading The closest I had come to dealing with "be haviordisordered boys" was one unfortunate date in high school-a date
call anger as synonymous with the experience of hell. Being with troubled young men on a daily basis , listening to their shrug-punctuated that included a pickup truck , an illegal substance, a thunderstorm, a huge angry steer and eventually, a dripping-wet call for help from some farmer's kitchen. It wasn't an experience I wanted to repeat. In fact, the memory of this, mixed with thousands of news items I had seen linking young men and violence, made me wonder if "behavior-disordered boys" weren't the reason the world needed saving in the first place Weren't these the "scary guys" I'd been trying to avoid all my life? Clearly, it was going to be a big job if I could land it ; happily I ultimately did . Then I began to discover there
Boys have been shamed into wearing armor that serves as an emotional burqaleaving only a small opening for socially acceptable levels of the one emotion still allowed to themanger.
stories and watching them scowlingly struggle to free themselves of destructive behavior.s , I saw fir.sthand th at anger is the only emotio n we do not sha me out of boys from the earliest age. disco ve red that Raben Bly was right-the boys I worked with had "p ins in the neck " (from Bly 's book The Maiden King) that acted as dams to the narural streams of emotion from their heans. It was as if all emotional tributaries had been redirected into one "mega-river" of pqwerful anger. And now, as a counselor, I was being asked to teach boys how to plug the leaks of darns that were cracking under the strai n by is more to "behavior-disordered boys " than meets the headlines
teaching them "anger management" skills. It was as if the boys I worked with had been shamed into wearing armor that served as an emotional burqa-leaving only a small opening for socially accep table levels of the
one emotion still allowed to them It wasn't long before I saw that "anger management " might be an excellent skill-set for temporarily avoiding the principal 's office or the police station-but it was hardly a long-term solution The "per.sonal is political " feminist in me starred to hear sirens going off-and they weren ' t coming after the boys for once, they were a wake-up call for me
I starred studying everything I could find about the plight of troubled boys-especially those writer.s and teacher.s insightful enough to provide some gender analysis in their research Particularly valuable was the work of Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a developm ental psychologist practicing in Vancouver, British Columbia , whose workshop "Getting Kids Unsruck" validated my observations and gave me the courage I needed to experiment with new approaches. These approaches proved to be powerful and eventually formed the basis of a program I later developed for a local high school that produced an astounding 75 percent increase in attendance and an equal increase in academic success for so-called "behavior-disordered " boys. Although too lengthy to describe fully in the space of this article, the approach is simple and can be used by parents, teacher.s, counselor.s, or anyone who works or lives with troubled boys
For now, here are aJew idea s you may find useful when trying to connect with the "behaviordisordered boys" in your world.
• Sit Beside Troubled BoysNot Across from Them You know those signs at the zoo that ask you not to stare directly at the male gorilla? Well, boys are not
Boys, it seems, are going
gorillas , but face-to -fac e d ialogue is too direct for anyone wh o is working incredibly hard to hide his feelings. It will only force him to put up more emotional armor. Sit in a separate chair on the same side of the room, your seat turned only slightly toward him
• Let There Be Toys. The low table in front of the comfy chairs in my office holds a selection of sophisticated wooden puzzles, spinning tops, and a set of small plain-wood building blocks These work in two ways They "keep it casual" and they direct the flow of energy away from the heart toward the hands, where it is "grounded" in the activity and therefore less threatening to a boy's defenses I also keep a few crackers, candies, or grapes on the table for this purpose. (Note : handheld video games are not effective in this regard as they require too much attention and are not "grounding" to the body.)
• Make Friends with He-Man. Macho action-figures provide an excellent illustration of the gender stereotyping he is coping with every day. They can be left casually on the table and used as linking tools in key moments of the conversation For example: "Seems like the world is telling you that you'd better be like X Man here and keep your · guard up "
• Tell the Truth. Gender stereotyping su cks; it is making young men miserable and it plays a huge role in male "behavior problems " Name this out loud whenever appropriate
• Tell the Other Boys do need to open the dams that keep them cut off from their hearts-but the truth remains that if they do it in the schoolyard they 're going to be ostracized or even get the crap beat out of them Make sure he knows you understand this. Tell him that if he ever needs a place to let down his guard , you'll not only listen confidentially, but also help him put his armor back on before he leaves
• Work One to One. The only people more effective than adults at shaming boys for expressing feelings are other boys . Do notI repeat--do not attempt to name or expose a troubled boy's vulnerable feelings within earshot of his peers . Group settings are fine for general discussion, but asking troubled boys to share feelings with other boys whose emotional dams are just as problematic will only result in an immediate frenzy of dam reinforcement . If you haven't learned to swim, you'll do anything to avoid a flood.
• Make It Quick. When emotions do surface in conversations with him, think of the times you've put antiseptic on a small child's skinned knee. Get in there as soon as possible without alarming him , use a voice tone that comforts , touch it quickly and gently with first aid, then get the heck out of the general vicinity of the wound Once, when a boy spoke to me in a matter-of-fact voice, shrugging about his father leaving, I noticed that his shou ld ers were high and tight and·
that h e was ra pidly spin ning th e red to p on the table over and over again
"Oh wow, that really sucks ," I said genuinely. "When my dad left I fe lt like my gu ts were being ripped out for a whil e. It was weird Pass those jujubes over h ere, will ya?"
He passed the candies, too k one for himself, sat back in his chair with visible relief and said, "Yeah, I kinda :: :: i " know what you mean ." Then I asked if he wanted to play cards. We talked intermittent-
Iplayed Each time I saw his agitation rise I put the attention back onto the card game and his shoulders dropped. He came back to talk to me several times a week over the months : ! that followed-each time risking more of his feelings and leaving with "less pressure in the system. " Despite his teacher's predictions , this boy's "behavior problems" did not increase during the months following his father' s depa rture
• Don't Try to Make Progress in a Crisis. Treat behavior incidents as acciden ts or "dam leaks." Use the quiet times to facilitate new understanding.
• Teach Him to Swim. Th oughts , feelings, body sensations, and behaviors are connected in predictable patterns in each of us Start the swim lessons by helping him se e that he can get a little wet (exp erience emotions briefly) without drowning. Teach him about this Be your own enlightened witn es s to the courage it takes to really "feel" anything . Frame it as courage
• Respect His Sensitivity A troubled b oy is a sensitive boy who has been shamed out of experiencing or expressing feelings. As a result he has lost touch with an important inner compass that 's meant to guide his choices. Instead of becoming a master of his own destiny, he becomes a slave to internal processes no one has helped him understand Help him to "get free" by knowing himself.
• Don 't Blame. He is not "making poor choices about his behavior "-in fa ct , he is not "choosing " at all. He will be able to make choices when he is able to allow the cons equences of his actions to sink in Yo u'll know this is happening when you s ee a "s oftening" or a tear or even a sigh of resignation . He's opening a valve and letting some pressure out of the system Now he 'll be able to think a little more clearly
• Get Wet. If you feel a tear of your own from time to time, that 's even be tt er. You can ' t be a good swim instructor unless you 're will-
ing to ge t we t too . Give hi m the skills and mod eling h e need s to regularly throw a lifeline of awareness from his head to his heart, and h e will be come buoyant
• Be Patient. Recognize that helping arm or-bound , troubled boys to name and express feelings is about as popular an idea in Western culture as teaching citizens of the Third World how to
Since implementing these and other techniques and perspectives in my work with boys, I have had excellent feedback from those around the boys as well as the boys themselvesespecially thos e boys who have not had much success with less gender-sensitive or "too direct" approaches . And the gift in working with "behavior-disordered boys" has definitely been for me . Angry young men are not the violent headlines we have allowed them to become. They are flesh-and-blood children who have been taught to fear the flow of their own life energy Strengthening emotional dams with anger management may be a useful skill in the short term But if we really want to see some lasting behavior change, we'd better add a few emotional swim lessonsand maybe even a surfboard to help them do what the Dalai Lama might call "riding the waves of an open heart."
Willow Brocl"le, BSW, M.Ed., RCC, is a registered private therapist in Summerland, British Columbia. She lives with an amazing husband, two great kids , and a border collie named Tulku She really hopes the guy from the "wifortunate date in high school " is reading this. Contact her at wbrocke@shaw ca
White Men Challeng _ ing Racism: A New Book Tells Their Stories _
By Coope r Thompson , Emmett Schaefer, and Harry Brad
bra nd-new boo k, White Challe nging
Racis m: 35 Pers ona l Sto nes , by Cooper Th ompson , Emmett Schaqer, and Ha rry Bra d (D uke Uni vers ity Press, 2003) , is a collection of 35 fi rst-perso n narratives based on interviews wit h white men in the United Sta tes who have made substantia l commitments to chall engin g ra cis m Th e narratives describe what th ese whi te men do , why they made this commitment , their nifl.ection s about being white and ma le, their accomp lishments and shortco mings, and how th ei r work affects th ei r own and others' lives
The book is
a co ll ection of profi les of a very diverse group of white men -gay and straight , wo rking class to upper middle class, from all regio ns of the United States, ranging in age fr om 26 to 86 They work m a wide range of venues , an d wo rk with , and on behalf of, people of many different ethniciti es Many ground thei r anti-racist action in their spiritual identi ty and commitment Few are well known ou tside their communities and particu lar fie lds of wo rk. They are ordinary wh ite men doing ext raordi nary thin gs.
Wha t f ollows are excerp ts fr om their stories
Mov ement El ders
Herbert Apt heker, 86, radi cal hi storian , San jos e, CA
You have to inform yo urself of the realities of his tory, of wh at slavery was, of what Black people, es pecially Black wo men, went . through And yo u have to learn abou t th e pos t-slavery, so-c alled freedom .. . . And knowing that we wh ite peo ple are responsi bl e for the horror-if we have some co nscience, we should be very important in eliminating th e horror Th at 's my life
St etson Kennedy, 85 , j ouma lis t and Ku Klux Kla n irifiltrator, j acksonvi lle, FL
In the 1940s . . . I was infiltrating the Klan and feeding the minutes to bo th Drew Pearson and the produc ers of the radio show Superman , who were doing a series , "Sup erman versus the Grand Drago n " As fast as th e Klan would ch ange its passwords for entranc e to its meetings, I'd send 'e m on up to th e radio produ cers, and kids all over the country wo uld all have them the following week. In th e minutes of the mee tings I in cluded the na mes of th e businessm en and th e politicians and judges
and lawmen who we re in attendance. After their names were bro adcast , they never showed up again .
Horace Seldo n, 77, co ali tion builder, Bos ton, MA
The Sund ay aft er Dr. King 's assassination in 1968 , (I realized) "I know what I mu st do wi th my life I must work on the white prolr lem " (But) you don' t rush in, eager to help-tha t wanting to rush in with the answer is son of built into the psyche of a lot of us wh ite men You have to just let the relationship develop , you listen , and there comes a chance to say, "I can do that task. " And you d o it well, and eventually they 'll begin to ask and trus t you
Pat Cusick , 70, community organizer, Bos ton, MA
The oth er two kids picked up rocks , threw them at the kid on the bicycle, and called him "nigger. " But the kid on the bike, who was smaller than us, he had guts . He stopped, got off his bike , and gave us a tongue lashing
The actions of that Black kid certainly affected my life, piercing through my white privilege an d the whole his torical consciousness of growing up white in Alabama When I was sent to the chain gang in prison-:.:1 told the cap ta in, using my best unive;-;i! . . "Segregation is evil and I can t pan1c1pate m lt You have a segregated camp I just want to inform you of this I'm not going to work and I'm not going to eat while I'm ? ere "
Grassroots Organizing
v
\
jim Hansen, 42 , executive director of Un ited Vis ion for Idaho , Boise , ID
I joined the Chamber of Commerce in Boise . I have access to people in power , because of my privilege . I wanted to exercise that privilege in a way that opens up greater opportunities for both learning and power for people of color and white women : My role is to back up people of color and white women as they stick their necks out.
Chip Berlet , 52, researches righ t. wing groups , Cambridge, MA
!learned two things : One, hate groups · victimize communities that are in crisis and tum them towards white supremacy by building an identity among the young men Two, you can organize essentially prejudiced people to fight this hate and that 's a victory, even if on a very tiny level. You can' t go in and eradica te white privilege overnight. If it means 10 years to take a neighborhood from violence to peace, leaving unresolved lots of issues of prej udice , th at's still it.
Art and Politics
David Attyah, 34, graphic artist and founder of THINK AGAIN, San Francisco , CA
Being a queer man has really helped me understand the "near to our bodies " effects of oppression and to imagine how people of color or women feel oppression rub against their skin . . . . It 's about who 's following you through grocery stores, how you look at yourself in the mirror in the morning , and whether you believe there's any hope for you surviving in your life I'm an Arab American Culturally and ethnically and personally, I feel very alienated from white culrure .
Si Kahn , 57, singer/songwriter and executive director of Grassroots Leadership , Charlott e, NC
Being jewish centers me in history I claim a white identity because , functionally, I enjoy white privilege. But in conversations with white men who do not have an ethruc self-identification, I find a difference in being jewish It includes a responsibility to stand with people who are being pushed around, to speak up , to try to be useful.
Tim Wise, 33, writer, lecturer, social critic, and activist , Nashville, TN
I am beginning to think that whites are so dependent on people of color that we wouldn' t know what to do without them If there were no Black and Brown folks around then whites would have no one to blame but themselves for the crime that occurred; no one to blame but themselves when they didn't get job they wanted ; no one to blame but themselves when their lives turned I out to be less than they exgeoted.
Challenging the System from Within
john Allocca, 39, bilingual Spanish teacher, Boston , MA \
I say very honestly (to my sruden\:s)," You have every right to have doubts about me and a lot of other white folks, because we , as a people in genera\ have done you and your · 1 people wrong " I tell my students that I grew up in a racist society, and that I've changed \ because of my experiences living and working with people from different communities . When I was their age, I was a scared, confused , young white boy who would never want to hang out with any of them
BiU]ohnston, 60, former Boston , MA, police officer, Emerald Island , NC .
I have a vision that when we amve at the Pearly Gates, we're going to find out that God is everything that we ' re not If God made us all, then he is all of us . At my moment of death , the God who comes to judge me will be young , gay, Jewisn , African American And she is ,going to say, "How the hell did you treat me?"
Challenging the System from the Margins
Lapchick , 56, advocates radal and gender justice in sports and in sodety, Orlando , FL
My dad , joe Lapchick, had brought Nat "Swe etwa ter " Clifton (one of the first black playe rs in the NBA) onto the New York !<nicks basketball team-that's what th e hanging (in effigy) and picketing and calls were all about Twenty-eight years later, in 1978, my own son, who was five yea rs o\d and named after my dad , came to me one day. He asked me , "Daddy, are you a nigger lover? " I s tepp ed back , pau sed for a few seconds , and as ked him , 'joey, what do yo u think that is?" "I don ' t know, but s om e m ean man just called me on the phone and told me yo u were one "
Terry Ku pers, 58, psychiatrist, prison activist, and author, Oakland, CA
Black pe ople were sayi ng , "You know, we 're n ot sayi ng we d on' t wa nt you We 're just saying tha t we want yo u to go organize white folks We need you to d o that , and yo u n ee d to listen to us ." I thought that was perfec tly reasonab le
The Next Generatio n
Matt Reese , 26, cq mmunity activist , Louisville, KY (Klan members) see themselves as fighting for the white race , but they don' t speak for me, and I'm pan of the white race You carry everybody that you know with yo u when you 're th ere. I sp eak for all these people when I go there-my mom, my dad , my family, my friends and their beliefs-I'm speaking for every organization I represent. . .. There's a rush to that because I know I have them behind me in s pirit
Bill Vandenbetg, 31, co-executive director of the Cowrado Progressive Coalition, Denver, CO
I'm proud about being a codi rector who is always asking , "What are we doing about the racism in our own institution? What are we
doing to ch allenge whi te privilege in this suppos edl y progressive organization?" ..J don 't like the way that whiteness has mamfested itself in o ur society I am profound ly displ eased wi th what my cu l'ture has p erpetuated in th e United States And so I see my role as especially important in being what someo ne on .a right wing ta lk show calle d me, a "race t raitor." In some ways, I wea r that as a badge of hon or, that he thinks of me as a race trai tor.
Cooper Thomps on is a senior cons ult ant at VI SIONS , a multicul tura l co nsulting organization , and the author of many and educatio nal materials Emmett Schaefer is an adjunct assis tant professor of sodology at the University of Massachusetts, Bo sto n Harry Brod edited A Mensch Among Men · Explorations in jewish Masculinity (Crossing Press , 1988) and The Ma king of Mas cu lini ties (Routledge, 1992), and coedited Theo rizing Masc ulinities (Sage, 1994) ; he is a professor of philosophy and hu manitie s at the University of Northern Iowa.
Looking to Connect?
Try the MRC 's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPO RT GROUPS
IN NORTHAMPTON
Open to all men. Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St.
IN AMHERST
Open to all men . Sundays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC
IN GREENFIELD
Open to all men. Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Ch iropractic , DHJones Bldg, Mohawk Trail
FOR
GAY, BISEX UAL,
AND
QUEmONING MEN
Open to gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men, & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM , at the MRC
FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE
Open to men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC
Why Ending Men's Violence Is Men's Work
By Jackson Katz
The time has come for people of all backgrounds and beliefs to unite in ending men's violence against women , children , and other men It has destroyed too many families , torn the fabric of our communities, and absorbed a tremendous amount of precious resources
Men's violence takes many forms : coercion, threats , and physical , sexual, and psychological abuse It includes domestic violence , rape , sexual harassment , stalking, sex trafficking, and child sexual abuse It also includes gaybashing and other forms of violenc e not typically thought of as gender violence , such as same-sex bullying But it isn't inherent to being a men and boys are taught to use violence . It's accepted, both implicitly and explicitly, as a means of resolving conflict , or establishing and maintaining control in interpersonal relationships.
Despite the high rates of men's violence, though, we know most men aren't viol ent But until now, the vast majority of men have remained silent about this violence. It 's time to reach that "silent majority" and engage more men in ending gender violencenot only because the perpetrators are mostly men, but also because most leaders are men And there 's reason for optimism: ever larger numbers of men are working ,to shift the social norms that jeopardize the health and safety of women and girls, as well as of boys and men
Where we stand today
Despite all the accomplishments of the battered women's and rape crisis movements over the past 30 years ," there hasn' t been much change in the incidence of gender violence Each year in the U S., up to three million women are physically abused or raped by their intimate parrners And the problem is surfacing in younger and younger populations . One recent study found that one in five teen dating relationships contains some form of physical or sexual abuse, with males as perpetrators in the vast majority of cases
Most of the important gender violence prevention work in the past two decades has focused on girls and women-a valuable riskreduction approach that teaches them to avoid victimization. But it is not truly preventive
because it doesn't address the root causes of the violence. We need the focus to shift to creating a social climate-in male peer culture at every level...:..._in which the abuse of women is seen as completely unacceptable Since violence is learned behavior, prevention strategies must teach boys and men how to be men in ways that do not involve physically, sextially, or emotionally abusing girls and women This sounds straightforward, but rape and battering prevention programs that incorporate a focus on redefining masculine norms are still far from the educati9nal mainstream
Gender violence as a men's issue
Currently, too many men view gender violence as primarily a women's issue fur prevention approaches to succeed, they must also see it as a men's issue . How do we promote this? One way is to make clear that in spite of the fact that few men have played a significant role in gender violence prevention, men have a very real stake in ending violence against women and girls It's not as though men aren't affected by men's violence and the gender roles that contribute to it. Many men have suffered directly as a result of violence done to them or to their female loved ones. Consider boys whose mothers fiave been murdered, or fathers whose daughters have been raped, or male parrners of women who have been sexually haTas?ed in the workplace If only a small
percentage of the many men who have been damaged by such violence became active in prevention, social norms around gender violence would change radically.
Virtually all women live daily with the threat of men's violence Women's consciousness about this is so pervasive that many take precautions every day, often without even thinking about it. If men care deeply about women, and this threat of violence is a major concern to women, then it follows that men should do something to reduce this threat.
A "big tent" approach to ending men's violence
So what exactly can be done to increase the number of men doing gender violence prevention work? What specific strategies could motivate greater numbers of men to join a "big tent" movement?
A big tent approach involves expanding dramatically the numbers of individuals and groups who are working to eliminate gender violence. To be sustainable , it must allow for many different voices to be Heard, and requires the collective knowledge, desire, and skills of many groups and constituencies While the larger goal of ending men's violence is shared by all under the big tent, strategies for achieving this will sometimes vary according to the cultural norms of different communities The approach includes reaching out to organizations that have not yet addressed gender violence directly, but have worked in related fields . fur example, there are many organizations fighting child abuse or youth violence , advocating for healthy families and communities, or supporting vulnerable women and men, but not pan of gender violence prevention effons per se A big tent approach to gender violence prevention would include such organizations, because the issues they address are so closely connected to gender violence. It would also include a wide array of national and local organizations that value violence-free
(Continued from previous page)
may lead to violence
They can respond to incidents of violence or harassment before, during , or after the fact. They can model healthy relationships and peaceful conflict resolution. This shift in focus from men as potential perpetrators to men as bystanders allows men who are not abusive to see how they can be part of the solution. It's more effective to appeal to men's goodness, values, and self-interests than to use a language of blame . As more men become engaged in this issue, how will men and women work togeth• er to end men's violence? Men and women enter into these parmerships with different perspectives, each carrying legacies derived from different experiences of power, privilege, vulnerability, and excl usion Trust communities, but have not tradition- among men and ally worked on issues closely connect- women is not a ed to gender violence-including given, nor is there those representing schools, labor, inherently a business, gay/lesbian/bisexual! trans- shared undergender co mmunities , and a variety of standing of the political or religious affiliations. goals of the work.
A big tent approach needs to
As men engage in engage men at different levels, this wo rk, it's critthrough their personal commitments, ical that they organizational ties , and their roles in respect women's the broader political process This leadership in this requires better collaboration across area, and wo rk government and community agencies , jackson Katz with women to with service providers and civic leaders create complementary prevention and interworking together, for example, on common vention policy goals to end men's violence At the indi-
With such a wide array of groups engaged vidual level , men can work in their families to make it clear that abusive behavior is not wel-
come there They can also use their interactions with boys and young men in other settings, such as schools, athletic teams , trade apprenticeships, and the military, to model respect for women and girls and challenge attitudes that contribute to violence . At the organizational level , we need to build institutions' capacity to deal more effectively with men's violence and ensure that men play a role in speaking out against violence. Work at this level helps establish gender violence as a public
issue Organizations can also influence creation and enforcement of better policies to prevent gender violence And because men's violence is not a stand-alone issue, policy efforts in related fields such as health, education, and labor can also be pan of a national violence prevention effort
Challenges of a big tent approach
To succeed, we need a flexible , creative approach to increasing men's participation, one that takes into account what will motivate men to act. Because most men are not violent, it doesn't help to treat them as perpetrators or potential perpetrators Instead, it makes sense to enlist men as bystanders who can do something to stop violence. "Bystanders" in this context are family members, friends, teammates, classmates, or colleagues . They are men embedded in peer cultures with other men. They can interrupt attitudes in other men that
in this work at different levels , there are bound to be differences of opinion on many issues , including the causes of gender violence Problems may arise from the fact that individuals from diffe rent organizations or backgrounds may use very different language to talk about men's violence and its causes. Thes e are real challenges, but our differences are also pan of the strength of the big tent approach. Men's violence is a multifaceted problem. Prevention of men's violence requires a variety of perspectives and strategies. To fit diversity of opinion under the sam e tent, we must center the work where there is common ground Coalition building involves finding overlapping interests, not assuming parmers are fully compatible . Instead of focusing on the areas of potential conflic t, the emphasis should be on the points of agreement and shared objectives . If individuals and groups of men and women can agree that ending men's violence is a necessary and urgent objective ; other differences can be tabled-at least for the moment.
Despite the challenges , we can and must fmd common ground to work together. If we really want to reduce men's violence, and the suffering it causes, we have no other choice.
jackson Katz, founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention, is an anti-violence educator featured in the videos Tough Guis e: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity and Wrestling with Manhood, produced with the Media Education Foundation. The author would lihe to thank Dean · Peacock and james Lang for their significant contributions to this article, and Lucy Salcido Carter for her editorial assistance . A longer version of this article is available at www.endabuse.orw'bpi/.
Professional Training
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Ending Violence Against Women Being a "Good Guy" Isn't Enough
By Don McPherson
Sitting in an airpon recendy on my way to a nonviolence conference , I watched as a mother and her four-year-old paced the concourse awaiting an incoming flight. I imagined her as a single mom and thought how difficult it must be for women to raise boys on their own . As the boy began to whine in the typical protest of a child, his mother turned and demanded, "Would you be a man!" It was then I realized he had male influence in his life It was the narrow example that taught him to shut up, drop his head, and take a seat.
I am a former National Football League player who has joined Lifetime Television, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and music star Michael Bolton in a campaign to bring men and women together to put an end to violence against women just recendy we convened in Vvll.shington to hold a speak-out and meet with Congress to bring attention to the issue
Several years ago, jackson Katz, founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention, opened my eyes t0 the many ways our society devalues · and disregards the rights of women, viewing women as "less than" men Although I thought myself to be a "good guy," I had to recognize my own culpability as a bystander I became acutely aware of social dynamics that reinforced and supponed sexism and misogyny I also learned that calling violence against women a "women's issue" allows men to not be involved in the solution, and often not even to understand the factors that contribute to the problem. I learned that just being a "good guy" was not enough; it's going to take "good guys" speaking up, supponing women, and confronting the men who would otherwise remain silent or unaware of the problem
The boy in the airpon, I thought, would grow to be a man indifferent to the reality of violence against women . He may even grow up to be a perpetrator. He's learned at a very early age that to "be a man" means shutting off his feelings and ignoring his emotions. Ultimately, he's learning his feelings don't matter. When I explained this story to a group of middle-school students several weeks ago, a 13-year-old boy asked if there was something ·wrong with ignoring our feelings The answer is simple : If we learn our feelings don't matter, why should we care about anyone else's feelings? More troubling, both of these boys understood that behavior to be required of a man.
The insidious power of sexism and misogyny is its ability to silence women's voices sexism works to silence men as well The
silence of the young boy in the airpon is just one example. Every man has been silenced by the language that mandates "manli' behavior. It begins with comments such as "you throw like a girl." We learn not only to shut off the behavior and emotions of the moment , but to view girls as being "less than ." This statement would not be an insult if that were not the belief. Though many women don' t adhere to this thinking, they do want their boys to grow up to be "real men, " since that is what they understand to be appropriate male behavior
The notion that men and women are inherently from different worlds is an attempt to maintain the status quo We'll never understand each other; therefore we musm' t try to communicate as equals, but rather accept where we are . This maintains the social hierarchy of women as less than men, and men being unable to control the unemotional and violent disposition that so accurately defines masculinity in our culture .
This is why it's so critical for men and women to work together. It can no longer be a "women's issue" to stop violence against women . We must work to dispel the convenient and narrow thinking that men are from Mars and women from Venus We're all from Eanh , and our children are being raised on the values we instill and deem appropriate
For more information, contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence , www ncadv orw; thejenna Foundation for Non-Violence, www.jennafoundation org; lifetime Thlevision for Women-The Division, http ://www lifetimetv com/ shows/division/.
Don McPherson is a former NFL footbaU player. He is current!Y on the board of directors of the ]enna Foundation for Non-Vwlence and lectures on nonviolence around the country A version of this article original!>' appeared in WomensEnews (www.womensenews org)
Memory Has No Statute of Limit ations
By Paul Ehmann
Coffee an d the paper: My morning ritual. I scan the national news and the local stuff Today I notice there are no articles about children being molested. I breathe a denying sigh of relief and wonder if normal people think with the caution flag out like I do .
I've done all I could to forget: piles of drugs , barrels of alcohol , promiscuous sex and now food for my comfon . Therapists have told me, "It's a miracle that you're even alive." How do you reconcile that?
Fifteen years of therapy have not unleash ed a complete and deserved self-forgiveness. It 's been 35 years since I was sexually trespassed but it seems like yesterday It always comes back. Shame exacts an unyielding grip. It's sadly ironic that even the notion of simply noticing no anicles about sexual ab use can set me up to remember my own. This day my memories are vague and easily shaken off. Tomorrow 's newspaper may bring on another reason why recall lives on In perpetuity
Another day shot full of memories. Today I'll hear and read more how the Catholic Church is hiding the perpetrators while defending and "monitoring" itself. No wo nder kids still keep the secret
The more powerful the trauma, th e longer it takes to fully acknowledge it. Where we come from, we learn not to pay attention to details So we carry the secret along with the empty sentences that cannot describe our hun
There are no words for this type of shame , no words for th e unfounded guilt, no words for a child's newfound lack of expression, no words for the secrets kept, no words for the stolen dignity, no words for the love lost, no words for the shattered trust, no words for the imperceptible injury, no words for the coldly dispatched spirit, no words for lingering memories There is only anger and frustration. Again today I'm forced to remember The respite went unnoticed It's good to leave memories unopened for a while They can return with a fury
The light was red and I was id)!.ng Out of the comer of my right eye I saw the silhouette . I'd seen it from the other side too many times I have the displeasure of running into him on
occasion (we still live in th e same town and at one tim e lived on the same s tree t) and the degre e of emotional strain I feel is different each time. This time the air is sucked out of me , momen tarily asthmatic with disbelief. Won't he ever go away?
He was staring straight ahead , profiled inside the safety of his car, but I could see his face clearly. (In my mind 's eye the safety glass shatters as I fly through the unopened window, grab his beefy neck and twist the life out of him. I weep at the realization that even his death gives life to memory.) I tum left and, pulling away, kn ow that once again he hasn' t seen me. I instinctively know that I'll kee p this incident to myself and, once again, the secret is hidden .
So here it is. A despicable man makes a decision to abandon all social responsibility ; he snatches the unquestionable innocence of a kid and soils forever the never-to-be-known dreams of an unstained child. He drops his baggage on the short-l egged table of a boy barely l2 imd walks away from the experience drunk with sexual relief while stuffing the spirit of a boy into his pocket like a matchbook. Two days have gone by and I've barked at my wife , kicked th e cat, begun sleeping late and, wors t of all, gone silent I don't have a s pare word . Searching my sou l with brutal in trospection, trying to wrap my arms around hope, I squeeze the empty air and shrug with expected disappointment at anothe r hopeless moment. This is the real crime It's one of time Time after frustrating time the memory comes back. And with it the unanswerable questions Cou ld I have done something different? What if I'd 7 jesus, I wish ' Secrecy is the common thread among survivors of sexual abuse There is never anyone to tell. Under threat of violence comes the inherent knowledge that you won' t be believed so you keep it to yourself. Don't share this , you tell yourself, and a child relies on his now distorted intuition for answers. If you expose him, he 'll deny it (he said so) , and you' ll be · branded a faggot or a liar The confusion is unbearable. The cycle of shame cannot be broke n by a child, not without the sup port of an adult.
This one moment of his selfish sexual gratification, endured by a child 35 years ago, will steal three or four days from my present . It sneaks up on me like a night shadow and in an instant I become the trembling , confused, secretive child who withstood the abuse I am affected and carry a profoundly unnatural sorrow, like my heart is attached to a lead sinker: I do not wallow. A survivor's will to live uncannily floats to the surface while the persistent resentment of havingt.this uninvited emo tional attachment to a pedophile loiters in an un safe harbor:
Memory has no sta tute of limitations.
Paul Ehmann is a writer
\Roots and Wings
By Rob Okun
hat bener way ro feel how fragile, precious, and awesome is rhis life than ro hold a baby-your own baby-in your arms? When I realized my daughter's high school graduation was around the comer, I shook my head in disbelief. Could it be 18 years since I first cradled Aviva, her head nesrled in my outstretched palm, her tiny body relaxing into the crook of my arm? In my mind's eye I am gazing down, her pursed lips sucking, eyes twinkling , mouth exhaling sweet baby's breath So rhis is the secre t fraternity and sorority all those fathers and mothers have been talking abour.
Since that lush summer morning 18 years ago, in some sense I have lived rwo lives , mine and hers I have felt both vulnerable and fiercely protective , tenderly rocking her in a bedroom illuminated by moonlight and then, just a few years later, scooping her up from a srreet comer she'd wandered roo close ro Aviva, like all children, has been one of the great teachers in my life. From the get-go she raught me about independence, sraging her birrh for the early morning of]une 28th-just hours after my birthday had ended on the 27rh. Lesson number one: "Dad, I'm my own person ." I've spent the last 18 years working ro remember rhat, a useful imerpreration of the Buddha's entreaty: "Nothing is ro be clung ro as I or mine ."
While parenting is not for everyone, for me becoming a father uncovered an unfulfilled pan of myself, a missing piece in the puzzle of manhood. I have found an underappre ciated fundamental rruth about men : it is in our narure robe tender-ro nunure, to care for babies and young children, to be reverent roward all life-ro discover the sweet spot of selfless love essential to our humanity Sure, society tries ro drum all that our of us at an early age; look at how many of us grew up hearing the old saw "Big boys don't cry" when we scraped our knee . Men know well the roll that message can rake on any man who has sruffed down his hun, gone numb ro his feelings. Fatherhood may not be the only way ro access men's innate nunuring ability, bu t for many it alters for the better the course of their lives
Happily, rather than passing on the "Big boys don't cry" legacy, more and more fathers are scooping up their tearful sons and comfoning them, rather than admonishing them ro "roughen up ." Those of us with daughters have been fonunate to be able ro draw on
insighrs from the women's movement , and we're encouraging strength and independence in the young women in our care, attributes heretofore primarily reserved for boys.
As Aviva wended her way from the preschool an rable and book comer to ponraying environmental foremother Rachel Carson at an elementary school science fair, I stood by in loving wimess, as a guide ro the emerging young woman before me . I know some moth ers and fathers feel conflicted or resentful about having ro drop everything to tend ro the more complicated emotional scrapes a l 0-year-old, or a high school senior experiences, bur somehow I've never questioned rhat pan of the job Aviva 's role is to keep flapping her wings and soaring farther and farther away from the nest ; mine is ro be home with the from light on, ready with an English muffin and a bowl of cereal on the kitchen rable
Last summer Aviva spent several weeks in Guatemala attending a Spanish language immersion program We had ro leave the house in the middle of the night for her to make the six a .m flight from Bosron Once on the highway, I found myself glancing in her direction, her face illuminated by the rumpike lighrs. Even in the dark I could still see her as I first had all those years ago-pursed lips sucking, eyes twinkling, mouth exhaling sweet baby's breath. This was that baby , I said to myself in awe . My eyes glistened .
A few days before she was to -rerum home , she e-mailed that campesinos had closed all the roads ro the airpon to protest unfulfilled government promises. She couldn' t predict when she 'd be able ro leave the country. I sprang into action. In no time I'd spoken ro officials in the Srate Depanment in 'Mlshington and with their coumerpans at the consulate in Guatemala City I spoke to them not as a U.S. citizen, not as an activist critical of the government 's Cenrral American policy ; I spoke to them as a father. That was my role-ro drop everything and come ro my child 's aid What steps cou ld be raken ro ensure Aviva 's safety? I appealed ro the parent on th e other end of the line, not the faceless bureaucrat By the following day, as it happened , th e campesinos had sropped blocking the roads and Aviva
The author and his daughter in 1986.
soon was able ro come hom e . I breathed a sigh of relief.
With her depanure for college imminent, I find myself re-reading a framed quotation on a wall in my house rhat I've had up ever since a friend gave it ro me soon after Aviva was born. "The only legacy one should leave their children, " it says, "is roors and wings." I hope I have .
Rob Okun is associate director of the Men's Resource Center and editor of Voice Male
What Part of "Family" Don't You Understand?
By Barbara Allen
It's Sunday morning, and I've just returned home from a leisurely walk with my golden retriever. As I walked along the bank of a small winding river near my house , I breathed the fragrance of flowers blooming and wimessed Canada geese overhead flying back home . I live in a small town of about 30 ,000, and from the distance I could hear church bells singing their Sunday song from the tall white steeple of a New England church.
It was a slow srroll through this heavenly area of town , my body tired from a week full of activi ties . Today I walked for about an hoUI; instead of my daily 30-minute run Thday, Sunday, is a day of rest.
My thoughts flickered over the past week, and I smiled as I pictured my 13-year-old doing wha t he loves best: playing soccer, hot and fast. He loves it all , both practices and games And I love watching him , aggressively charging the ball, skillfully passing , playing his hean out.
It was a full week for my 16-year-old daughter, too, for she is in the a capella group at high school and they took a two-day trip to New York Oty. It's taken months of bake sales and late-night frosting of cupcakes to get the group there Singing at the United Nations, seeing a Broadway show, touring NBC, she came home exhausted and exhilarated.
My hean filled as my mind danced over the past week thinking of my kids, for I love my children profoundly. You see, I'm one of those "involved" morns I'm president of the PTO at the middle school , I'm co-chair of the ans committee at the high school, I helped produce the high school musical, I created the school book fair-the list goes on and on. I do this because, frankly, I'm a very family-oriented mom
So I was angry at Sen. Rick Santorum , the Republican from Pennsylvania who earlier this year made antigay comments--bigoted remarks equating "gay " and "lesbian" with "antifamily." Senator Santorum said, "Whether it's polygamy, whether it's adultery, whether it's sodomy. all of those things are antithetical to a healthy, stable , rraditional family."
I wonder, Senator Santorum, when you were young, were you creative? Did you ever color outside the lines? And now, if you have a partner, do you ever privately talk about your intimate relationship? Do you have an intimate relationship? Since you feel comfortable declaring what's right for others, would you publicly declare what's right for you? I assume you keep this information sacred in the privacy of your own home, a5 adults do But after your recent comments it only seems fair that we all get to know That way, we can judge what you're doing and let you know if it meets our moral standards. ·
t'm co-chair of the Northampton Pride March and when we celebrated our 22nd March and Rally in May. it was right after you made your remarks. At the end of the March I
stood under the flagpole at the park where two flags flew together in a gentle breeze : the American flag on top, and the rainbow-colored Pride Flag right below.
And at my back were huge white tents with almost a hundred vendors waiting to greet the thousands marching down Main Srreet. I stood there as the marchers entered into the park. Church members marching behind their various banners, gay and lesbian families pushing srrollers full of kids, town officials actively participating, bands playing, floats with pulsating music. It was a joyous and colorful sight.
On Pride Day and today, we are a community united. We are gay, lesbian , bisexual, and rransgendered We are supponive srraight allies We recognize we are a community of diversity, we are a nation of diversity, and we are a world of diversity.
We march in celebration and pride, and in knowledge of the work we have yet to do We march for Matthew Shepard and his family and the thousands of others who, as victims of hate crimes , have been hun or killed in this counrry
and around the world . We march because people still say homophobic, immoral, stupid things
And so to you, Senator Santorum, I say: Stop your words of hate and ignorance My panner and I have been together for 18 years. She and I have raised our kids together since their births . They are wonderful teenagers . We are proud morns We teach them the rrue meaning oflove and they have learned to color outside the lines It 's time for you to shut your mouth, open your hean and mind , and stan to color outside the lines
Next Sunday. I'll be at my church, on Main Srreet-where my entire family is welcome. It 's one of those rraditional New England churches with a tall white steeple
Barbara Allen is a documentary filmmaker; chiropractor, and co-chair of the Northampton Pride March . She lives in Northampton , Mass .
Fires of Transformation A Gay Man's Retreat and Sweat Lodge
Men's Health Diagnosis: Poor
Social and behavioral factors may help explain why Ameriean men , especially low-income and minority men , are less healthy than women in almost every way, according to research in the May issue of the American journal of Public Health . Men have higher death rates for 14 of the 15 leading causes of death in the United States (Alzheimer's disease is the only exception) and much higher rates of serious diseases like hypertension and cancer Men are also twice as likely as women to die from accidents, suicide, cirrhosis of the liver, and homicide-all of which have a social and behavioral component . "Beliefs about masculinity and manhood that are deeply rooted in culture and supported by social institutions play a role in shaping the behavioral patterns of men in ways that have consequences for health," says David R. Williams, Ph.D., MPH, of the University of Michigan. "Many of the stable and relatively universally noted [health] differences between men and women are not biologically inevitable but are importantly shaped by social arrangements " Economic stress and unemployment, hazardous work conditions, poor personal health and coping practices, and poor access to health care are among the specific health challenges examined in the issue An1ong the other findings :
• A striking rise in heart disease deaths among middle-aged men in Eastern Europe may be partially caused by the men's inability to cope with economic and social stresses brought on by the fall of communism. Behavioral interventions that help the men cope with depression and avoid destructive behaviors like alcoholism are needed
• Studies that examine how different groups of men use Medicare illustrate some of the disparities in health care experienced by black men Even when health insurance and income differences are accounted for, black men still receive fewer common surgical procedures like angioplasty and fewer preventive and screening services like flu shots and colonoscopies "Sadly, the health status of African-American men may serve as the proverbial canary in the coal inine for other poor men in this nation and in our global village," Henrie M Treadwell, Ph.D , of theW K. Kellogg Foundation writes.
• A study of 304 black and white men suggests that most believe regular prostate-
specific antigen' screening tes ts can identify and lower the death rate from prostate cancer--even though most h ealth professio nals remain undecided about the test's effectiven ess Men in the study did not know enough about PSA te s ting to give informed consent for such screening, according to researchers
• Accidents, cancer, chronic liver disease, and suicide are the leading causes of death for American Indian and Alaskan Native men , whose death rates at every age are much · higher than those of women in these groups American Indian and Alaskan Native men are also less likely to seek medical help and more likely to pursue risk-taking behaviors like binge drinking and poor safety belt us e. Loss of cultural identity and traditional male roles may explain some of this behavior
• Preliminar y s tu di es su ggest th at sm oking rates among As ian American a n d Pacifi c Islander mal es are higher than rates in th e general U S m ale p o p ulation , but th ere is very little da ta on tobacco use am on g th e 50 or more eth nic and langu age groups th a t make up this p opula ti on Efforts to improve m en 's h ealth will have far-reaching effects, acc ording t o Amos L. Smith, MSW, LCSW, of th e Co mmunity Foundation for Greater New Haven (Conn .). "Communities need m en who are healthy, able to work, and abl e to contribute to uplifting their fa milies and co mmunities. Poor health restricts on e's capacity to consistently contribute," Sm ith says .
For more info rma tion, contact Hea lt h Behavior News Service: (202) 387-282 9 or www.hbns .org; Am eri ca1i]ou m al of Publi c Health: (202) 777-2511 or www.ajph.org.
Onformation for this story was provided by the Health Behavi or News Service, www. hbns org.)
lntucstcd? (413) 253-9887 or mrc(i 1 mcnsrcsourceccntcr org
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A 9 ... month Training for Men in Petersham, Massachusetts
Meeting one weekend a month for nine months, beginning in October, 2003, we will enact a modem-day hero's journey, a Men's Search for Masculinity and the Sacred.
Using depth psychology, ritual, initiatory activities, and group processes, we will cross the threshold of the saci:ed, developing personal and male rituals to support and guide us through life, creating self-trust and a healthy masculin ity to heal ourselves, families, and communit ies.
A New Jo ur ne y, a New Spiritual Home
By Bob Sternberg
Editor 's Note: Response to Voice Male ma naging ed itor Michael Burke's article in the Spring issue, "Men Overcoming Depression ," was positive and both th e magazin e an d its parent organiza tion , th e Men 's Resource Center; heard from men glad that Voice Male was continuing to brea k the tab oo of discuss in g this vulnerable aspect of men
Some men attending th e MRC's drop -in support groups said they had done so as a resu lt of reading th e article ; oth ers said just reading it helped them to feel they weren't alone To cont inue th e dia logue, Voice Male will pub lish occasional columns on "Men Overcom ing Depression, "featuring.firs t person acco unts like the one that follows
w.hen my wi fe of 17 years divorced me , depres sion hit me harder than t ever had during any earlier time in my life The divorce came simultaneous ly with the loss of my job . I was wi th out a partner and without any work that could give my life meaning and sustain me through th e pain of dealing with the trauma of divo rce. My mother, my father, and my two aunts were no longe r living My grandmother had long been dead. My two closest fri ends were also dead . They had passed away at a young and untimely age And, having no brothers or sisters, I found myself completely alone and abandoned, with no supporr system and no relationships that had any real depth or significance to them. I had no desire to go on living Only my Orthodox Jewish indoctrination prevented me from seriously considering suicide I prayed daily for G-d to just take me, because I was living a non-life that had no meaning or purp ose to it.
I moved to another city and began a program I hoped would open the doo r to a new care er I was living in an apa nment and school was to begin in a few days In my depressed state of mind I took a walk aro und the neighborhood which was cl os e to the school I would be going to
I stumbled across an Onhodox synagogu e five blocks from my aparrm ent My ex-wife was Jewish but nonobservant , and during my marriage one of the sacrifices I had mad e was the strict observance of my religion It had been quite a few years since I had attende d synagogue regularly, said my daily prayers, and so forth According to the Orrhodox trad ition, J ews do not drive to the syn agogu e on the
Sab bath- we walk, be cause driving involves turning on the ignition to the car, which is like "kindling a fire," which is prohibited on the Sabbath. One of my secret yearnings during my marriage had been to live in a neighb orhood where I could once again attend an Onhodox synagogue and be within walking distance The universe had now pu t me face to face with an opporrunity to repossess what I had lost.
My mind starred to play tricks with me . "What is an Onhodox synagogu e doing in this neighborhood? " I said to myself "It 's probably a carryover from an earlier time when more Jews lived here It 's probab ly geria tric and half dead and if I walk into this place an d the y find out I know how to lead services, they' ll be all over me asking me to do th ings " And I looked at the billboard in front of th e li tde synagogue again and read "Mode m Onh odox synagogue." "Good ," I whispered to myse lf "It's not going to be fu ll of black-ha tted fa natics who are go ing to judge me and rum me off-the kin d tha t turned me off years earlier an d drove me away fro m O nhodoxy." And the presid ent 's name was on the board-it was a woman's name. "O h ," I thought "They have a woman for a president. This is good " And I made a decision then and there to go to the Friday night service and just see what was the re "I cou ld always li e to people if I am as ked any ques tions," I said to myself. "I could make up a name and a phony story "
When I went on Friday night , contrary to my expec tations , I discove red a room full of yo u ng people in their twe nti es and thinies and early fonies-full of life with hardly a gray head among them. There was a podium , but nobody was sitting there, and I notic ed a thirtyish young man sitting in th e front row among the congrega n ts and looking around the room for new faces. He ma de imm ediate eye contact with me, and when the service ended he made a beeline in my direc tion . This was the rabbi of the synagogu e, it turned out. He starred in troducing me to people, who immediately exte nd ed an invi ta tion to join them for di nner That was how I was ushered into a new spiritual home.
Going to this synagogue was the beginning of my journey toward repossessing my soul. The synagogue turned out to be a maj or
Jewish singles hangout in the new city I was living in . I began to discover my ability to make friends on my own and I developed some fri endship s there that have continued with me into my new life, even after I moved to Springfield, Mass ., and got a new j ob in my old field . I never discussed my divorce with any but two of th e new friends I had made And people, including the rabb i, were sensitive and tactful and understood and respected th e boundaries I had silendy set No one tried to fix me up with an yone. I didn' t date there at all-! couldn't. Emotionally I was incapable of doing it. But that is another story
Yes , there have s till been many mom en ts of depression , even after this groundbreaking event in my life . And there have even be en moments when my spiri t has felt dark and gloomy, moments when I have prayed to G-d to take me out of life . But thes e mom en ts have diminished in frequency
Four years after the divorce , three years into my new job , active in a supporr group at the Men's Resource Center and now at th e beginning of a new journey into a world of · new friendships and new relationships, so me of them deep and very intimate , my worst , bouts with depres sion have begun to rec ede I live alone , and I hate it-when I am alone for too long, I do get depressed . But I have repossessed my faith-in my religion , in G-d, in people , and mosdy in myself And I am now really ready to take those next steps . And who knows what new adventures lie ahead?
Bob Sternberg is executive director of the Hatikvah Holocaust Education and Resource Center in Sprinf!field, Mass ., and attends and fadlitates support groups as a volunteer at th e Men's Resource Center.
(Men at Work , co ntinued from page 7)
Before Minnesota Sen . Paul Wells tone died in a plane crash, he introdu ce d the Victims' Economic Security and Safety Act to the Senate in july 2001. Demo cra tic Reps Carolyn Maloney of New York and Lucill e RoybalAllard of California introduced the same bill to the Hou se
The Wellstone bill is bipartisan and would protect the employment and economic secu rity • of domestic abuse victims. It entitles eligible employees--including welfare-to-work participants-to take up to 30 days of unpaid leave to deal with a domestic violence siruation. The bill forbids employers from removing health benefits or demoting the employee during this time and even mandates that employers keep the reason for the absence strictly confidential. When Congress adjourned last session , the bill had been read twice and referred to the Senate Finance Committee and a House subcommittee
For more information , contact : http: //wvvw lizclaibome.com/lizinc/lizworks/ -women/; http ://wvvw altria .co m/ responsibility/ 04 _ 05 _ 04_domviol.asp ; Corporate Alliance to End Parmer Violence-http ://wvvw.caepv org.
Breaking Silence: Fatherhood Programs and Domestic Violence
With Congress on the verge of spending millions to prom ote marriage, few want to talk about an underlying problem that could sabotage the "marriage incentive " program: domestic violence Researchers have consistently found that 20 to 30 percent of women on welfare are victims of domestic violence , and about two-thirds are former vict;ims.
The Center on Fathers, Families, and Public Policy, a national policy research and advocacy organization, has been working to get fatherhood programs to discuss how they · can defuse domestic violence in poor communities . To do this, they have crea ted opponunities for fatherhood groups to have discussions with women's groups, who are worried that marriage incentives will subject more poor mothers to domestic violence.
The Center has released a new repon that caprures two discussions, one among fatherhood advocates alone, the other a joint meeting of fathers' and women's groups.
"Rega rdless of the current policy trend, if suppon programs for poor men and women are to be successful they must address the issue of domestic violence," said David Pate, executive director of the Center on Fathers, Families, and Public Policy. "Our strategy has been to create a dialogue that [will] enable both groups to deal with the issue while not alienating their program panicipants or endangering women ."
'There is a clear consensus among both groups that unhealthy marriage-an unhealthy relationship-is detrimental to children," said Oliver Williams, a meeting panicipant and executive director of the National Institute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community. "Our dialogue was one step in the process to define and explore the characteristics of a healthy relationship ."
One significant concern raised by participants is that the pushed in the father-
hood and th e domestic violence movements have been framed by th e white middle class
The fatherhood movement is often seen as synonym ous with the "fath ers ' rights" movement, which focuses on divorced fathers ' issues around visitation and custody of their children. And the dom es tic violen ce movement has primarily been about protecting women and getting the issue recognized by the coun system .
Yet most of the men in urban domestic violence couns are poor and African American or Latina-the very men welfare recipients are supposed to be marrying The issues presented by the fatherhood moverrierit and the domestic violence movement often are not relevant to the families involved in these siruations.
Given this context, representatives of the fatherhood programs say the y often·don't know how to approach the issu e of domestic violence They worry about alienating the men and creating or exacerbating dange rous siruations.
"Fatherhood groups are not being asked to become barterer intervention programs Simply put , they must be mindful of the existence of domestic violence, " said jacquelyn Boggess, senior policy analyst at the Center on Fathers, Families , and Public Policy ':A fatherhood program, at any point in time, may be serving a current barterer, a furure bartere r, and someone who'll never batter. Teaching sible fatherhood is not going to happ en in a vacuum."
A copy of "Fatherhood Program s and Domestic Violence " is available at wvvw.cffpp .org ; for print orders or for more information, call (608) 257-3148.
Even Tough Guys Get the Blues
Research has commonly shown that depression affects twice as many women as men. But srudies also suggest that men are less likely to seek treatment for depression than women, and men die by suicide at four times the rate of women Moreover, clinical findings reveal that women and men talk differently--or in the case of men, don' t talkabout the symptoms of depression, which may be why many instances of male de pression go unreponed and hence untreated.
That being the case , this April the National Instirute of Mental Health (NIMH), one of th e National Instirutes of Health , launched the first national campaign to raise awareness that depression is a major public health problem affecting an estimated six million men annually. The NIMH public health campaign-"Real Men Real Depression"-fea rures the personal stories of men who live with depression, including a firefighter, a diving champion , a retired U.5. Air Force sergeant , a lawyer, a publisher, and a college srudent
"For generations men have been told that they have to act tough ," U.S Surgeon General Richard Carmona said 'Today we 're saying to men, it's okay to talk to someone about what you 're thinking, or how you 're feeling , or if you 're hurting. We are attacking the stigma that tough guys can't seek help They can and they should ."
Depression is a serious medical condition that affects the body, mind , and behavior. Depression can strike anyone regardless of age,
Many Stf!nBS we.lcomes tdhi lidn-Aii who make or above' $1 ,ooo per year.
Identified a goal pf , nf(mbeiS with contributiblfiS totaling $150,000 Ju'11 30, 2003.
ethnic background , socioeconomic starus , or gender ; symptoms of depression vary among individuals. Srudies have shown that men may not recognize irritability, sleep problems, loss of interest in work or hobbies , and withdrawal as signs of depression. This may result in fewer men recognizing th eir depression and asking for the help they need.
Ins tead of acknowledging their feelings, asking for help, or seeking appropriate treatment , men wit,h depression may be more likely to tum to alcohol or drugs , or to become frustra ted , disco uraged, angry, or irritable Some men may throw themselves compulsively into their work or hobbies, attemp ting to hide their depression from themselves, family, and friends ; other men may respond to depressi on by engaging in reckless behavior.
"This is an imponant area of research," said Dr. Dennis Charney, chief of the Mood and Anxiety Disorders Program at NIMH "We need to understand how men respond to s tress and symptoms associated with depression, and how to alen physicians to better recognize and treat depressive disorders in men."
Individuals and organizations are encouraged to call the campaign's toll-free number, 1-866-227-6464, and to access the NIMH website, http ://www. nimh nih gov/, to learn more. (See also Bob Sternberg's '1\ New journey, a New Spiritual Home " in this issue, page 21 , and Michael Burke 's "Men Overcoming Depression " in the Spring 2003 Voice Male, page 12.)
Southern Africa
Redefining Masculinity in
the HIV/AI DS Era
What does it mean to be a man in Southern Africa? How do young men pe rceive themselves as single men , husbands , fathers and breadwinners? How do these perceptions interact with the HN/AIDS pandemic in a context of poverty and unemployment? These and related topics were discussed at a regional conference on men and HN/AIDS held earlier this year in Pretoria , South Africa.
lu the three-day conference, organized by the Regional AIDS Initiative of Southern Africa of Voluntary Services Overseas (RAISANSO), activists and resea rchers from Southern and East Africa explored issues of male involvement in the pandemic.
Participants agreed that the concept and
men-unemployed , drug addicts, drag queens and male sex workers-in Pretoria townships
"There is more rejection than inclusion with the result that young men feel blamed for all social evils and withdraw," he explained .
The last decade has seen an explosion of interventions around HN/AIDS centered on women and girls There is greater understanding of the gender di mensions of the epidemic. But many interventions fail because they do not take into accou nt the identity constructions of the men who interac t with women and girls as pann ers, husbands , fathers and relatives
Changing
the relationship of masculinity and HIV risk is about far more than changes in behavior
culinity as conquest and domination.
The co nference addressed·often marginalized issues, such as male to male sex in prisons , risk behavior among drug users, the sexuality of young black gay men in townships , male sex workers and male rape
Men United is a South African group dedicated to breaking the silence about male rape, providing suppon and care for surVivors and their families , and educating youth to s peak out against all sexual abuse. Founder Ivan Louw is himself a survivor. In 2001 he was hijacked, torrured and raped by three men near Pretoria. Narrowly escaping alive after being doused with gasoline, Louw refused to keep silent and accept th e stigma associated with male rape Th e emotional turmoil of a male rape survivor is compounded by the invisibility of the crime and the "macho" image prevalent in male education, Louw noted
"C hanging the relationship of masculinity and HN risk is about far more than just changes in behavior and technology, but rather it's about uansforming the very identity of men, " argued Graham Undegger,
Among these core elements are the notions of a biologically rooted male sex drive , males as risk-takers, sex as penetration, and maspractice of masculinity need ed to be reconstructed in ways that fit new socio-economic realities, from ruralurban migration to women's advancement , AIDS and unemployme nt A new way of perceiving manhood would empower men to live their sexuality differently and to take active community responsibility
of the School of Psychology at Natal University, in KwaZulu-Natal, Studies and surveys presented at the co nference showed that men and boys across the spectrum
and technologyit's about transforming the very identity
of men.
South Africa.
Undegger described the major findings of a study on how masculinity is constructed and mainof race and class feel disoriented by sociocultural changes taking place in South ern
Africa "Today 's system has lessened men's role as decision-makers," said Douglas Kabanda, a social scientist with . the Promotion of Traditional Medicine Association of South Africa. The sense of displacement and irrelevance, coupled with unemployment and poverty, undermines male self-esteem. It leads to sexual behavior that puts them and their panners at risk of HN/AIDS, such as promiscuity, irregular or no condom use , violence and alcohol and drug abuse. Many, if not most , men do not engage in such behavior. But they have little visibility in the predominant discourse of "men as drivers of the epid emic," analysts noted . Thus , negative male images channeled by the media and by society "are internalized by yo ung men, turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy," said Sebastian Matroos, of the Youth Skills Developm ent Programme of the Cenrre for the Study of AIDS at the University of Pretoria Marroos works with marginalized young
tained in South African schools and the effects of race and class on th ese constructions The overall finding for all types of schools is, ·in the words of a principal, that "our boys seem to be lost." On the positive side , several AIDS interventions in the region repon some success in involving men in non-traditional ways
In Malawi a,nd Zambia, two home-based AIDS care programs in villages are succeeding in recruiting men as volunteer caregivers, which traditionally has been a woman's job Out of 600 caregivers in 52 villages , 200 are men , reponed the Tovwirane AIDS Association, which works in Nsimba district in nonhern Malawi.
"It is eas ier for a man to nurse and bathe a sick man or to offer condoms to men ," said Stephen Gichuki, of Tovwirane. Churches help to id entify volunteers Often, said Gichuki, the man has cared for family members with AIDS, or th e wife has died and no relatives offer to care for sick children, and the man steps in as caregiver.
"Police do not enforce stigma, society does-we do-and we can change this ."
RESOURCES
Men's Resources
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men , see page 19)
The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient suppon groups, nutritional supplements , dressings and supplies, literarure, low-cost housing, and transponation
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including suppon , prevention counseling and volunteer opponunities
Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for inclividuals, families and children , with a play therapy room for working with children Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St., Nonhampton. Doors open at 6 PM.
Men at Wort is a Maine nonprofit provicling opponunities for men 18 and over to share their stories and learn life improvement skills Fatherhood, relationships, health, aging, our fathers, addictions, mentoring , and more. Trained professionals facilitate. Free walk-in discussion group (Man to Man) meets in Ponland monthly, 7 to 9 pm dn first Thursday, except july and August Residential programs (one to three days) also offered For more information call Steve 207-865-2048 or check out www healingmen.com.
Sex &Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues
Education and suppon services for ado ptees, adoptive parents , professionals, etc Suppon group meetings first Wednesday and third ' Sunday of each month.
Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599
Fathers
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns:
Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency In Massachusetts the number is 1-800-392-6164 Here are some websites that may be of use to you:
www acfc org *
wwwfathering .org
www.dadscan org
www.divorcedfather.com
www fatherhoodproject org
www dadsrights org ** (not www.dadsrights.com)
www.fathers.com
wwwfatherh ood .o rg
www.fathersnerwork. org
www clivorcehq .co m *
www.clivorcewizards .com *
www.geocities com/H eanland!M ea dows/1259/ links .htrn *
www mensruff orglframeindex html (Fathersrufi)
* good resource
* * strongly recomm ended
At Home Dad:
www parentspLi ce com/ re adroom/a thomedad
The Fathers Res ource Center: www.slowlane com/ frc
National Fatherhoo d Initiative: www.cyfc.umn edu/Fathem et
The Fatherhood Project: www fatherhoodproje ct. org
Internet Resources
Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mensresource ce nter.o rg
The Men's Bibliography :
A comprehensive onlin e bibliography of writing on men , masculinitie s and sexualities. http://www anu edu au / -a112465/ mensbiblio/ mensbibliomenu html
XY magazine: http ://www anu .edu au / -a112 465/XY/ xyf htrn
Pro-feminist men 's FAQ: http://www anu.edu au / -a112465/ pffa q. html
Pro-feminist men's mail list: http ://www.anu.edu au/-a112 465/ profem htrnl
Violence statistics:
http ://www.anu .edu .au/ -a112465/vstats .htrnl
Homophobia and masculinities among young men (Lessons in becoming a straight man): http ://online.anu.edu au/ - a11246 5/homaphobia htrnl
National Men's Resource Center www me nstuff.org
Na ti onal calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men 's roles and relationships
The Men's Issu es Page: www vix com/pub/ men/index htrnl
100 Black Men, Inc.: www.1 OObm .org
Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www feminist.com/pro.htrn
Pro-feminist mailing list: h ttp ://coombs anu edu au/ - gorkin / pro fem html
Magazines
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon co uk/achilles/tsSUes.htrnl
XY: men, sex politics (from Australia): ) http ://coombs.anu.edu au/-gorkin/XY / xyintro htm
Ending Men's Violence-Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-banley/othe r/reaiMen htrnl
The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www mrpp org/intro .htrnl
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities com/CapitalHill/1139 / quitpom ,html
(Continued on next page)
Thanks and Blessings for your commitment and heart working on behalf of the Men's Resource Center
(Contin ued from previous
Volunteers Needed
AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS. Men are especially needed.
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.
Planned Parenthood of Western MA (413) 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's. services, promote safe sex practices, and rally suppon for pro-choice legislation at various events . Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution , ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work, special projects, etc Flexible schedules
Friday, June 13- Saturday, June 14
Austin , Texas
From Bullying to Battering: Building Partnerships ·for Safe Schools
join Donhy Espelage, Sylvia Cedillo, and Barri Rosenbluth for a seminar on bullying and improving school climate Help work to prevent school violence Topics: research and evaluation , legal issues , discrimination, strategies for safety and respect. · Information: www austin-safe place org/ sbs2003/ default.htm, or contact Lesley, (512) 267-SAFE; llandry@austin-safeplace.org
Wednesday, June 18- Sunday, June 22
Highlands , North Carolina Gay Spirit Visions Summer Camp
The first ever GSV camp held at The Mountain Retreat and Learning Centers. Raft, hike on the Appalachian trail , swim, read , and •relax. Mountain Retreat staff will supervise activities. Information: The Mountain , (828) 526-5838 or Gay Spirit Visions , info@gayspiritvisions.org
Friday, June 20- Sunday,,]une 22
Philadelphia , Pennsylvania New Warrior Training Adventure
A traditional masculine initiation geared to help modem day men find their own life missions lnformation Jerry Hamilton , philadelphia@mkp.org, (888)843-6982
Additional Trainings:
• July 18 , Wishington, D C.
Erik Hoopes : dc @ mkp.org (877) 657-9444
• Aug 01 , New England
Don Yun : newengland@mkp mg (603) 891-2 198
• Aug 01, NYC,
Barry Freeman : newyorkcit)r@mkp .org (212) 613-3316
• Sept. 05 , Philadelphia , Jerry Hamilton: philadelphia@mkp.org (888) 843 -6982
• Sept. 12, Wishington, D.C.
Erik Hoopes: dc@mkp org (877) 657-9444
• Sept. 19, Montreal
john Clo_ss: montreal@mkp.org (514) 637-8370
Information: The ManKind Project, www.mkp.org, 1-800-870-4611.
Thursday July 10- Tuesday,]une15
Wishington , D .C.
The Gloria Steinem leadership Institute
A five-d ay expen se paid training for s elected leaders wo rking for re productive freedom , ages 15-25 H ear from pro-choice leaders and activists Nerwo rk with other committed
young men and women. Information and Application: http:// www.choiceusa org/involved/gsli. php
Friday, July 11 -Saturday, July 19
Allagash River, Maine
Men's Wilderness Canoe Trip
join a group of men on a jou rn ey by canoe in the Maine wilderness Information: see brochure at: www retumtothefire.com, or contactjo dy Grose , (203) 778-4393
Saturday, July 19-Saturday, July 26
Penobscot River, Main e Father '(or Mentor) and Son Wilderness Canoe Trip
An experience for men and teenage you n g men to explore nature while deep e ning a sense of self An opponunity for men to mentor young men in th eir lives Co-led by Paul Gemme Information: see brochure at www.re tumtothefire.com, or contactjody Grose, (203) 778-4393
Monday, July 21- Saturday,] uly 26
Prague , Czech Re public Second World Conference on Family Violence
Information: www wcfv.o rg or WCFV@a?l.com
Friday, July 25- Sunday, Jury 27
Central Valley, New York
The Father/Son Deerhaunt Retreat
A weekend camping retreat open to all men who enjoy connecting with nature, spirit, and n ew friends. Safe, supportive, confiden tial setting With the suppon of other men find the strength to move forward in your life.
Facilitated by Garry Alesio · Information: Garry Alesio , (845) 37 1-8046; Garryalesio@aol.com
Friday, August 1- Sunday, August 3 Madison, Wisconsin 28th National Conference on Men and Masculinity
Presented by th e National Organization for Men against Sexism . "Gender, Violence, and Power: Making the Connections " Location: University of Wisconsin. Information and Registration: www.nomas org
o r m asculinityconference@hotmail.com
Tuesday, Sept 9- Tuesday, Oct 14
Amherst, Massachusetts Men &Divorce
This Men's Resource Center ' s workshop series helps men find their way through the divorce process and reac h successful conclusion to the transition Six Tu es day evenings
Cost: $90
location: Me n's Resource Center 236 Nonh Pleasant Stree t, Amherst Information: Carl Erikson, 253-9887, exr 13 ; ce riks on@m ensresourcecenterorg
Wednesdtry, September 17- Sunday, September 21 Highlands, North Ca rolina Fall Conference
A conference orga nized by The Mountain
Retreat a n d Learning Center featuling worksh ops , sm all gro u p activities, drumm ing, dance , yoga , and costumes for me n w ho want to have fun and conn ect wi th o th er m e n Information: email
Thursday, September 18- Sunday: September 21
Minneapolis , Min n eso ta · 1Dth Internationa l Ma le Survivor Conferen ce "Recognizing Stren gth & Resilience"
A gath ering fo r pro fessionals an d others who share the c oncern o f e liminatin g sexual victimizatio n and a d vocating fo r th e trea tment of male victims and offe nde rs. Works hops available fo r m ale survivors, their panners, and oth ers w h o are interested
Information: Pe te r Dimock , (612) 624-3227 pdirnock @ umn .edu or w\.vw m ales urvivo r.org
Friday, October 31 -May 23
Petersham , Massach us et ts
The Mythic Warr ior: Men's Search for Masculinity and the Sacred A 9-m o nth trai n i ng m eeting one weeken d a m o nth , for m en wh o want to develo p c onfidence and a new sense of s elf. De pth psych o logy, ritual , in i tiatory activi ties, and group pro cesses will be use d to create p os itive mas culini ty th at heals ourselves, an d our families. locatio!! : Earthlands Retrea t Center. Informa tion: Sparro w Han, (802) 38 7-6624 or Garry Al es io , (8 45) 371-8046
Write: Circl es of Ai r and Stone , P.O Box. 48, Pumey, VT 0534 6 Email: s p a rrow@ toge ther.net
SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS
• Open Men's Group
Sundays 7- 9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office; Tuesdays 6:45 - 8:45 p.m. at the Council on Aging , 240 Main St., Nonhampton Wednesdays 7-9 p m in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic, 21 Mohawk Trail Clower Main Street) A facilitated drop -in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.
• Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neglect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. Fridays 7 - 8 :30 p m at the MRC.
• Gay, Bisexual , & Questioning Mondays 7- 9 p.m. at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation
• GBQ Schmoozejest Events : Seasonal events with catered food , art and music, opportunities for interacting with GBQ men and other men who love men from Springfield to Bratdeboro and beyond. Aprill3 ,june 1, 3- 5:30p .m. at the Garden House , Look Park, Nonhampton , Mass.
FATHERING PROGRAMS
• A variety f resources are availableFathers and Family Network monthly work-
shops , lawyer referrals , parenting guidance, workshops , educational presentations and conferences Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced , gay, step, adoptive and other fathers / father ligures.
YOUTH PROGRAMS
• Young Men of Color Leadership Project, Amherst
• Young Men 's Leadership Development/Violence Prevention , Holyoke & Northampton
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified barterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available
• Basic Groups : Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol, Wire , Springfield, and Greenfield
• Follow-up : Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton , Greenfield and Amherst. Sam Femiano, Th.D.,
• Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.
• Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections
• Community Education and Training : Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available .
• Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs
WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING
• Men & Divorce: This NEW workshop series can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition . Six Tuesday evenings September 9-0ctober 14, 7- 9 pm . $90 . At MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst For information , call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext 13.
• Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organiZations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Stra tegies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics Spedjk trainings and consultations also available.
PUBLICATIONS
• Voice Male : Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.
• Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have , with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there ."
RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES
• Information about events , counselors , groups, local, regional and national activities , and support program s for men .
Dear Reader,
WE NEED YOUR HELP.
It costs nearly $25,000 each year to publish our quarterly magazine, and those costs are rising.
VOICE MAU IS NO ORDINARV
MAGAZINE
. Beyond its Vital role as th e public face of the pioneering Men's Resource Center of Western Massach u setts, its blend of male positive, pro-feminist, gay afllrrnative, anti-racist articles and columns offers a blueprint for men and their allies to fmge a NEW, HEAlTHIER BRAND OF MASCULINITY.
READ THIS ISSUE and think about what's inside. Few publications explore how to help boys un cover the feelings inside their "seci-e t hearts" or chronicle efforts white m en are making to challenge racism . Regular columns on fathering, men 's health, gay men, men of color and surVivo13 weave a tapestry of hope and inspiration . lear off the fonn at the bottom of this page and return With a tax-<leductibl e co ntribution m ade out to VOICE MAU/MRC or if you'd like to CONTRIBUTE ON-liNE Visit our website, WWw.MENSRESOURCECENTE R.ORc: and click on the "Donate to MRC" tab a t the top of our home page. PLEASE JOIN US!
Rob Oktm , Editor voicemale@mens resourcecenter: org