The Power of Community
There are sp iritual traditions •which suggest that each era creates the conditions for the right kind of teaching for its time. The Buddhist teacher and writer Thich Nhat Hanh beliFes a modern day Buddha may not appear as a single enlightened being but rather as the community itself. In other words, collectively it is up to each of u s to be the ones helping one a n other to awaken . The MRC had a chance to practice wakefulness recently after an attack on a local business down the street from our office
African American business owners Robert and Dorothy Green have lived and worked in Amherst for 30 years, operating a typ ewriter and computer sales and repair se rvice . In their years here , they've learned important le ssons about tolerance and intolerance in Amherst a college town which sees itself as a bastion o'f progressive thought. Amherst, though, is part of the U.S., and as such is not immune to the deleterious effects of racism.
A piece of concrete thrown through the front window of the Greens ' shop in early May was not the first time the specter of racism hovered over their store. A similar incident had also occurred in 1997 This time, paper in display typewriters on the street in front of the shop had the letters KKK typed on them, according to the Greens.
Concern in the community began to grow after a story about the incident appeared in the local newspaper MRC Executive Director Steven Botkin posted the article on th e wall and wrote, " How do we want to respo nd? "
Informal conversation among staff spa rked ideas and time was set aside at a staff m ee ting to discuss what to do The result was creating a flyer which read , "We Stand Tog et her Against Bigotry & Raci sm." A letter to the editor was sent to newspapers stating our outrage at the attack and announcing plans to put copies of the flyer up in our windows. We invited anyone who shared our sentiments to do likewise The head of the local chamber of commerce agreed to email our plans to chamber members Within days scores of businesses along the main street had the signs up in their windows . .
Amherst town government had taken an active role almost from the start, and a member of the se lect board began organizing with the MRC, joined by members of " Not in Our Town, " an anti-hate crime group formed after the earlier act of vandalism against Amherst Typewriter Reporters from the Springfield daily and the Boston Globe began following the story, along with the Amherst and Northampton papers
On the Sunday of the Memorial Da y weekend , with just a few day's notice , nearly 250 people s howed up on the Amherst town common for a " Rally for Unity." A vibrant sa mpling of the diversi ty of the community was evidenced by the different ages, races and sex-
ual orientations of th e crowd. Groups were invited to stand together in unity-to witness ,., one another in a shared commitment to racial harmony. \J
Representatives from town government stood together, from the head of the human rights commission to the chief of police. Business owners came up as a group, as did members of the school community, the high school principal standing near elementary school students. The religious community came up en masse with several tradiDions repre se nted. We joined hands, we sang, Je noticed how strong we can be.
It was a heartening scene, one that powerfully demonstrated "helping o ne another to awaken." Whether or not the way one community responded to what happened to one of its own is truly a sign of a greater awakening remains to be seen. The work of undoing racism , like the work of redefining masculinity, requires a sustained effort. But the power of community, of living lives based on cooperation, interconnectedness and, ultimately, on love, is central to the work of helping one another awaken. May we all feel its power in the days ahead.
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This issue of Voice Mal e features a number of articles related to fathering and fatherhood How men deal with the loss of their fathers is movingly explored in Neil Chethik's " Father Loss " (page 8), while Allan Arnaboldi's "O n Being a Gay Father" poingnantly shares the joys and struggles of his journey (page 14) ; and Daniel Botkin takes readers inside a finhers ' group in "Fa thers Finding Support " (page 10). The notion of fathering can also be found in an inviting photo-es say by Gigi Kaeser and Peggy Gillespie , "Mentoring Our Boys " (page 16) , about Big and Little Brothers, and in joe Zoske 's Men & Health column, "Healthy Boys , Healthy Men " (page 21) While · you're reading , absolutely don 't miss Michael Dover's important feature , "Becoming Green Men : Men's Work and the Earth " (page 12) or Elena Botkin-Levy's Voices of Youth column, "Take Back the Media" (page 19) Charlie Hertan has much to say about the world of survivors in "Using the "S" word ," this issue 's Notes from Survivors column, (page 18). Make sure, too ,. to check out Vernon Mclean's Colorlines column, "When Your Partner has Breast Cancer," (page 20 ), and Don Unger's gender roles piece , "My Sister's To ol Box ." There's a lot of wisdom and insight in this issue. Enjoy! And, as always, we welcome yo ur thoughts , letters and ideas Hap py Summer!
Cover photo: Gigi Kaeser
Voice Male is p11blished q11arterly by the Men's Resource Cente r of Western Massachusetts, mailed to donors and subsoibers, and disttibuted at selec t loca ti ons thro!lgho!lt Western Massachusetts.
Th e mission of th e Mens Reso11rce Cen ter of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop mens leadership in chall enging all fonns of oppression in o11r lives , ow·families , and ow· communities. Our pmgrams s11pport nien to overcome the damaging effects of 1igid and stereotyped masculinity, and simu_l tan eous ly co nfront men 's patterns of personal and socie tal violence and abuse toward wome n, cltildren, and otlter men.
Membership
Th e MRC is funded by individual and organizatio nal con uibutions , and fees for services. Please join us in ow· vision of men hea ling, growing, endi ng vio lence Annual subsoiptio n and members/tip is $25. Send to MRC , 236 Pleasant St, Amhers t, MA 01002
Administrative Staff
Executlre Director- Steven Botkin
Anoclate Director - Rob Okun
Oerelopment btrector - Paul Entis
Director of Operation•- Carl Erikson
AdmlniJtratlre Anl1tant - Spirit Joseph
Men Overcoming VIolence
Director• - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoff
Clinical Superrflor - Steven Botkin
Partner S.rrlcn Coordinator - Sara Elinoff
lntlllre Coordinator/Court Llalun - Steve Trudel
Partner Outreach Counselor - Mary Dupont Brandt
Franklin County Coordinator -Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator- Scott Girard
North Quabbln Community Educator- Tom Sullivan
Group Leaden - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Eve Bogdanove, Sara Elino /f. Scott Girard, Joy Kaubin , Devon Kle in, Dot LaFratta, Gary NewcomQ , Rob Okun, Tom Sullivan
Steve Trude l '\
Hampden County Programs
Director of Immigrant and Refugee Progr11111 -
Juan Carlos Arean
Youth Programs
Actlrllt Men'• Network - Doug Ginn, Mark Ribble
Young Mlln of Color Leldeflhlp Project
Coordinator - Jeff Harris
Editor - Rob Okun
Managing Editor- Michael Burke
Senior Editor - Steven Botkin
Dnlgner- candid design
Copy Editon - Michael Dover. Maurice Posada
Support Programs
Director - Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators
Allan Arnaboldi Michael Baumgartner. Ken Bernstein. Stephen Bradley, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin. Carl Erikson. Tim Gordon Ken Howard. Rick Kapfer. Arne Korstvedt. Damien Licata. Gabor Lukacs Rick Martin , Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan. Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan Sheldon Snodgrass Bob Sternberg
Board of Directors
Chair- Michael Dover
Vlce.Chalr - Thom Herman
Cler#r!Trenurer - Peter Jessop
Memben - Marip Cruz Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard. Tom Gardner. Ty Joubert, Yoko Kato, Brenda Lopez She/tie Taggart, Sudhakar Vamathevan
Editor's Note
Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC We welcome fetters , articles, news items article ideas, and events of interest We encourage unsolic ited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their foss Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope Send to Edito r. Voice Male, 236 North Pleasant St , Amherst, MA 01002.
Advertising
For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at (413) 253-9881. Ext 22
In Search of the Revolution
Turning Spirit into Actio·n
When I was 19 years old I dropped out of college, put on my backpack and began hitchhiking across the country. It was 1974; a social and spiritual revolution was powerfully calling me, and I was determined to find it. A vision of living at the dawning of a new age of peace and justice had opened up to me, and I committed myself to leaping into it I believed that somewhere "out there" was a movement of people who were part of this revolution that was rapidly approaching, and I wanted to join them as quickly as possible. My search took me to communes, intentional communities , a Hare Krishna temple, and a stint with the Moonies. While I met many wonderful people and had many adventures on this journey, I did not find what I was looking for.
Twenty-seven years later I still feel the same calling : "It's safe to lean into life You can open fully to the experience Go beyond the limitations of our culture Look into the secret places Be with the awesome energy. Share this with others." However, l no longer think I need to physically dash off into the beyond to follow this urge In fact, every day that I walk into the Mens Resource Center I experience the deep satisfaction that comes from the act of welcoming, honoring, and listening to this call in my life.
I still hold a vision of human beings, relationships and communities based on compassion, connection and integrity rather than violence, fear and domination I no longer think I need to look elsewhere to find others who see the same vision and share a commitment to living into it. So111etimes at the Men's Resource Center I feel like we 're kids lying on our backs on the earth, heads close together, looking at the clouds . Our imagination plays upon the changing shapes, and, as we point them out to each other, we begin to have a shared vision , unfolding from the interplay of our connection to earth, clouds, and each other. And then, to my great delight, we begin to figure out how to build bridges from our earth to these visions.
I still believe in the power of a social and spiritual movement that is healing our selves and transforming our society However, I no longer think it is located somewhere else. I see that the "revolution" will happen over a longer span of time, in many different places and in many different ways. I know that the Men's Resource Center is part of that process : the revolution is here.
It is revolutionary for men to challenge the masculine culture of domination and violence, and for men to join with women as allies in overturning sexism in our institutions and our relationships . It is revolutionary for men to proclaim ourselves deeply sensitive and feeling, and to reclaim the power of our desire for loving connection with other men, with women and with children And it is revolutionary for an organization in this culture to be proudly gay-inclusive and openly anti-homophobic , as it is to be actively anti-racist and deliberately promoting connection and leadership among men of color.
The weight of the dominant culture sits heavy on so much of our world The legacies of violence and abuse have left deep scars of cynicism and hopelessness. And yet, I know we are slowly and systematically, patiently and persistently, part of an unfolding revolution-in the minds and hearts of the men who come to our support groups ; our Men Overcoming Violence groups and our youth groups, in the communities of western Massachusetts, and in the culture of our world . For me, having this belief means that I am continuing on the journey I began at 19 Continuing to cultivate this belief brings feelings of excitement, hope , connection, adventure and meaning into my life . It is a very good choice, considering the alternative
How often do you have the experience of finding shared visions while gazing into the clouds with others? How often do you get to join your imagination and passion with others to build bridges of healing and empowerment? I hope you'll consider what difference it would make to you and the people in your life if you did
CAN YOU HELP?
The MRC needs:
PC compatible scanner
Color Printer
Digital Camera
Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13
WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU
Write us! Please send typewritten , double-spaced letters to : VOICE MALE , MRC , 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801 , E-mail : mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarit y and length Deadline for the Fall 2001 Issue is August 15, 2001.
Eracism?
I'd like to invite you to examine what words you choose to name things ( "Becoming an Anti-Racist Men 's Resource Center, Steven Botkin 's "From the Director" column , Voice Male , Winter 2001) "Anti-racist" is an impossibility-we' re all racist because we are tainted (to the bone marrow) by our racist culture. Therefore, to frame an action "antiracist " is personally shaming and that prevents personal change But we want persons to change
So , how about adopting a term I saw spray painted gloriously (graffiti art) under an overpass in Oakland in 1992? "Eracism " it read It's that simple. I prefer the more "positive " term (as in : let's hear what we're for, not what we're against) .
Andrew B. Mickel Minneapolis , Minn
Steven Botkin replies :
Thanl1s for sharing your thoughts. I agree with your desire to have a positiv e tenn to refer to our work of challenging and changing racism At the Mens Resource Center we often think in tenns of the dual nature of our work For example: supporting men and challenging mens violence, male-positive and projeminist. Both aspects are critical ingredients in seeing the whole picture and developing effective strategies for change As we have turned our attention more directly to how issues of race and sexual orientation affect mens lives, we have struggled with a similar duality. We are now articulating this in terms of being at the sam:e time antiracist , anti-heterosexist , and racially inclusive and gay affinnative. We are still very much figuring out th e language to use to express and communicate these ideas , and I appreciate your input I'm glad to have you as a colleague in this work
Letter Writing Works
I was impressed by the article "Return to Sender : Letter Writing as Therapy" (Voice Male, Winter 2001) for m'any reasons For as long as I am able to letter writing has been part of my mainstay in life Each week without fail I write to several people, some every week , others when the mood strikes me But I didn 't realize how much I was doing for myself until I read the article. For years I have had running conversations with friends and family and realized how important this was to me I would have great
conversations and therapy sessions as well I noticed about five or six years ago how important it was to actually sit down and write these sessions down. I started e-mailing these people, and one by one they requested that I return to the handwritten letter They said that I was not the same in the e-mails as in the letters . I was more guarded and it wasn 't the feeling that we were having a conversation.
I also found algreat spirit in a woman I took a creative writing class with at the · University of Massachusetts through the Labor Management Workplace Education Program that enabled me to freel y write my feelings-for three years virtuall y all these secrets emerged from my soul. Leslie Fraser allowed me to find freedom from some hmrendous parts of my childhood and early adulthood in a safe, secure and nurturing place where fear was just another word. That time opened up a world that at first was very scary but allowed some solitude to enter my life
My letters became more honest than ever before I allowed more and more terrible events to surface and the writing allowed me to release and grow from them I sat down to write a letter to m y father, who , for whatever reason, I could not face Fear, the inability to verbally get through all that I n eeded to with him-or was it that I was feeling uneasy about hurting this man who hurt me so much? lt took at least a week of writing, rewriting , and fear again in mailing . I sent out 17 pages certified mail in September of 1999 ; I never heard from him for three months . But I had done it. I put awa y the hate. He was a shell of a man and he didn't have the control over me an y longer. It's funny ; I don 't hate him anymore. I feel bad for him
So if there are any doubts that this article is true , I am here to say it works , or at least it did for me I needed to express how I felt. Thank you .
Pet er 5 Baumann Greenfield , Mass
Camper Beware
Very soon, tens of thousands of our children will leave their homes for summer camps The vast majority will return safely Some will be shattered No one knows how many because no one in Massachusetts keeps a record of sexual assaults in s ummer camps To find out , we sent out 6 ,000 questionnaires
across the state We received reports , mainly from police chiefs, of over 100 children raped or sexually assaulted in a Massachusetts summer camp during the past 15 years This averages to at least one child every other week of every camping season
What can you do to protect your child? Here are three suggestions :
1 Ask to see the camp's written policy on sexual abuse Is it enforced?
2 Talk to your child. Tell him or her " It's not OK; you can say no ." Then, if a counselor or older camper says " It's OK ; I've done it with lots of kids; I promise," your child will remember your words.
3. Listen to your child. If he or she acts or talks strange , don't write it off to "camp talk." Find out what is going on
In Massachusetts, the standards for care of children in summer camps are written by the Division of Community Sanitation, Department of Public Health. By far, the strongest protection they could give a child would be to inform his or her parents of the risk of sexual assault in camp and preventive steps like those just mentioned DPH could do this by inserting a notice in every camp brochure Parents would then be able to review this information with their child in the most appropriate manner As DPH must know, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure . For more information, please visit our website at www.campsafetyproject.org.
Richard C. Rice, M D Consultant in Psychiatry Cooley Dickinson Hospital Northampton, Mass .
MRC: Safe Place for Healing
To all those who have worked toward the founding and building up of the Men 's Resource Center, my sincere thanks You have provided a safe place for healing and friendships The friendships I have made through this space have affected my life in unmeasurable ways I look forward to living a life full of giving. Many, many thanks!
Dennis Bushey Chicopee, Mass. Voice
Male
Ch Ch ·ch Changes
Whin is "trans"? Slang for transgender, trans "refers to transsexual, intersex, cross-dressing, drag, butch, femme and all other forms of gender variance. Trans individuals seek gender rights allowing them to present their gender identity as best suits them. Trans is not limited to · individuals who change their 'sex ' or their bodies, but includes everyone who desires a greater freedom of gender expression " So said Mitch Boucher, an organizer of the Transgender Activist Network (TAN), which held a a one-day conference this spring, Trans-Formations , which brought transgender individuals and their allies together for community dialogue and . brainstorming. TAN is a network of mdt.viduals and groups in western Massachusetts which sees its mission as threefold : to build community within the transgender community; to do outreach and education about trans issues; and to engage in social activism.
The conference, held at the University of Massachusetts in Amherst, the conference included common language exercises, workShops on feminism and the trans community, spirituality and the trans community, multiplicity/fluidity of identities, partner ·issues , among others. The Jay ended with action planning on participant-identified themes In the coming months, TAN is planning a series of community dialogues focusing on issues that arose at the conference For more information contact Mitch Boucher at ( 413) 545-4824 or visit the TAN website: www.geocities.com/tranactive .
Boys & Men at Harvard
The struggle boys and meri have with the biological and social factors that put them into stress and denial was the subject of a two-day conference in late April at Harvard University "Understanding Boys and Men" was attended by 500 people interested in the medical and psychological issues boys and men face. Harvard Medical School's Department of Continuing Education brought 13 leading researchers in these issues together to share their discoveries and insights Although the intent was to lay out research findings and hypotheses, the speakers delivered a powerful social message as well.
Among the presenters were authors
and psych ologist s William Pollack , Will Courten ay, Edward Hallowell , Michael Thompson , and Samuel Osherson. Topics ranged from brain scie nce and boys' sex ual development through violence and emoti ons to the "Adonis complex " and gender em pathy Nearly every speaker pointed to the huge gulf betwe en what the experts (a nd the boys and men ) know and appreciate about boys and men and the boy code, and the male stereotypes the culture substitutes for the reality o f bo ys and men. ·
The "men are tough" paradigm, some presenters not ed, is de ep ly embedded in men's psyches and often stops empathy for their sit uation and n egates motivation to reac h out for and acce pt healing
A me ssage participants at the conference went h o me with was th a t in order for th e rapi s ts a nd medical personnel to gain an adequate diagnosis and to implement an effective healing re gime n , b oys and men fir s t h ave to be led o ut of this hardened mal e mold.
Boxer Rebellion
Army recruiting is go ing below the belt in their n ew ca mpaign to reach 18year-o ld s. The Army is offering a pair of camo uflage-col ored boxer shorts emblazo ned with a U.S Army emblem as a gift for any potential so ldi e r s topping by a recruiting office . Unde r the headline "Get Bri efe d , Get Boxers ," the four-color po stcard in st ru c ts recipients to bring the card to the meeting to receive their underw ear. Appare ntl y acknowledging that m o re and m o re men are seeking support an d n o t livin g in iso lation , the card e nds wi th the in vita tion , "Do n't go it alo n e Bring a friend and eac h of you get a pair ." To comment on the marketing campaign , contact the Army at 1800-984-ARMY o r visit www.goarmy.com/fi ndrecr.
New Men's Health Journal
The Men 's Studies Press will launch a new multidisciplinary and multicultural academic journal in the winter of 2002 devoted to the subject of men's health The International journal of Men s Health will publish peer-reviewed papers addressing all aspects of men 's health, including diseases and health problems that are male -specific or for which men have higher rates of morbidity or mortality than women; the biological , psychological , behavioral , and sociocultural processes influencing men 's health ; sexual/reproductive concerns ; men 's bodies and body image; health concerns of special populations of men and boys ; clinical and counseling intervention strategies ; marketing to and engaging men in health care; and gender differences in health concerns Multidisciplinary, multicultural, empmcal , theoretical , applied, and historical contributions , as well.as critical re views, will be encouraged Original interdisciplinary research and studies that analyze innovative intervention strategies will be given high priority
The International journal of Mens Health is intended for teachers , students, and professionals involved in the behavioral and social sciences, health sciences , medicine , and public health and whose interest in or whose research examines men 's h ealth issues in the broadest sense Along with regular articles (approximately 6 ,000 to 8 ,000 words) , the International journal of Mens Health will routinely publish brief re port s (approximately 2,500 words) book reviews (approximately 750 wonts) · For more information , contact Dr James Doyle, Men's Studies Press, P.O Box 32, Harriman , TN 37748; IJMH@mensstudies com
stories, news clips , leads, and ideas Send submissions to
Staff of Life: New Faces at the Men's Resource Center
Five new s taff members and one new b oard me mber have joined the Men's Res ource Center extended family, and a new position has been created for a current staff member.
MarioCru:z: is the newest addition to the MRC's Board of Directors. Born in Ponce, Puerto Rico, Mario earned a master's degree in bilingual s pecial education from Fordham University and is currently finishing work .toward a masMario Cruz ter 's in clinical social work. He has been an educator for children with s p ecial needs for 15 years . In addition.h e ha s wo rked as a treatment provider for sex offenders as well as in the development . of c hild sexual abuse prevention programs, cultura l sensitivity and awareness trainings Thi s spring , AllanArnaboldi was n a med to the newly created position of Directo r of Support Programs , in which he
w,ill be responsible for existing and new programs to support men. A former preschool and elementary school teacher with 20 years experience , Allan has been involved with support groups as a facilitator and participant for four years. He is a member of the Pioneer Valley Gay Men 's Ch o rus, where he is a frequent sol o is t. He and his daughter were pho-
tographed and written about for the Lov e Mal1es a Family book and nationally touring photo - text exhibit on gay and lesbian families (See "Outlines, " page 14 )
Spiritjoseph wa s named as MRC Program Assistant and is working on s eve ral projects , including s pecial events , Men Overcoming Violence program ( MOVE ) administrative tasks, and Voice Male advertising . Spirit spent .two years serving in the Peace Corps in Gabon , Africa , and most recently worked helping welfare recipients in Holyoke , Mass . , to find jobs . He is a dancer and practitioner of yoga and contact improvisation .
jeffHarris is Program Coordinator of the MRC's new Young Men of Color Leadership Project, working with high school and college age young men Along jeff Harris with his position at the MRC, jeff also works at Frontier High School in South Deerfield , Mass , where he is assistant to the vice-principal.
· EveBogdanove is a new group leader in the MOVE program
Eve has extensi ve experience in th e so cial work field both in Massachusetts a nd New York. In addition to MOVE , Eve works as a clinician at the Carson Center for Human Services in Westfield , Mass . Previou s ly, Eve was program director of the Treatment Apartment Program for Community Acc es s , Inc , in New York City GaryBullard is the MRC's new Holyoke Youth Program Coordinator Gary has worked in Springfield with students at Robert Hughes Academy, as an outreach worker for fathers at Healthy Families, and was volunteer coordinator at the Neighborhood Network Center. Gary has also been a teacher of martial arts , T'ai Chi, and meditation since 1979. He is the father of a 10year-old daughter
The MRC is excited to have th e s kills and energy of these new indi viduals as a part of the organization In additi o n , the growth of the MOVE program in Hampden County-ti:J.ere are now two groups meeting weekly there-ha s led to the organization's establishing the position of Hampden County MOVE coordinator MOVE veteran and current MOVE group leader Scott Girard was hired for this position Scott Girard
Advise and Consent: MR.C Establishes Advisory Board
Fi ft y area philanthropists, civic a nd busine ss leaders, along with o the r MRC s upporters , gath e red in early May to celebrate the newly created Advisory Bo ard of the Men 's Resource Center. The reception , at the home o f Advisory Board member jack Ho rnor and Ron Skinn, featured talks by MRC Board member Nanc y Girard and longtime Dean Cycon s taff member juan Carlos Arean . T h e Advi s ory Bo ard was created to offer the MRC advice on a range of projects and programs including de velopment , 'public relations a nd programming The 11 members of th e new Advi s ory Board are : Michael
Bardsley, Guidance Counselor, Amherst Regional High School and President, Northampton City Council ; Lawrence D . Beane, President/Chief Executive Officer, Greenfield Cooperative Bank ; Dean Cycon, Founder/Owner, Dean's Beans Organic Coffee; jackHornor, Chair, Northampton Housing Partnership; Baileyjackson, Dean, School of Education , University of Massachusetts at Amherst; MatthewMorse, Owner, Hot Mama's Natural Foods ; Luis
Director, Spanish American Union , and Founder/Host , Tertulia , WFCR Public Radio ; Rep.Cheryl Rivera, lOth Hampden District; Elizabeth Scheibel, Northwestern District Attorney ; Diane D.A Elizabeth Scheibel
Melendez, HIV/AIDS Prevention Rep Che ryl Rivera
Troderman, Trustee, jewish Endowment Foundation ; Felice Yeskel, Director, UMass Stonewall Center and Founder/Co-Director, United for a Fair Economy.
Allan Arn a bo ldi
Eve Bogdanove
MOVE in the Cards
Last fall, the Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) began distributing outreach cards to reach men who might benefit from joining the program. With one side titled " Is This You? " and the other "Is This Someone You Know? ", the cards ask questions pointing to dif-
abuse and encourage men to contact MOVE ferent
"The response from the community has been outstanding ," said Michael Dover, MRC board chair, who initiated the
ject "We 've sent out cards for display in doctors ' offices , day care centers , police stations , courthouses , hair salons , schools and colleges , community centers, and many places ." More than 20,000 ' cards have been placed in locations in Hampshire , Hampden, and Franklin counties, thanks to support from the Amherst and Springfield Rotary Clubs, the Zonta Club of Northampton , and Collective Copies in Amherst "We 've gotten help from area domestic violence task forces , the Everywoman's Center, and the Food Bank of Western Massachusetts in getting the word out and placing the cards ," said Dover, "and the University of Massachusetts and Amherst College are using them to educate students and residence hall staff about abusive behavior." The project has gotten coverage in the Daily Hampshire Gazette, the Springfield Sunday Republican , and The Coll egian , the student daily a't UMass
This May, Baystate Health System contributed printing for an additional 20 ,000 cards and began displaying them in
their hospitals The Rotary Club of Amherst has contributed additional funds to help with distribution
Anyone wishing to display the cards or place them in their communities can cone tact Michael Dover at (413) 253-9887, dt. 16
Men Against Sexism: MAN-ifesting Global Justice
The National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) will present its 26th Conference on Men and Masculinity (M&M26) at the University of Denver, Denver, Colorado, July 20-22 , 2001. With a theme this year of "MANifesting Global Justice: Creating Inclusive Communities / the Men and Masculinity conference is an opportunity for activists, academics, and any other interested and concerned people ,
to gather, organize , educate, and work for social justice and gender equality. The conference will involve three days of workshops, keynotes, cultural events and general discussion on the issues surrounding men and masculinity in the 21st century. Nationally noted speakers and panelists will conduct sessions on topics including fathering , men and spirituality, health and workplace issues, racism,
homophobia, and more. Three all-day institutes on July 20 will include Ending Men's Violence, Undoing Racism, and the 13th National Men's Studies Association meeting.
For information and registration , including a call for presenters, visit the NOMAS website, www nomas org, or e- ' mail info@nomas org
How Men Cope with the Deaths of Their Dads
Father Loss
By Neil Chethik
It was only at that moment that I realized how much I re ally loved and needed him, and I had nev er told him. Just before he died, I said, "I love you , Father." He heard me , because he looked up at me and smiled Then he died -Humphrey Bogart
Sigmund Freud called the death of his father most poignant loss" of his life Actor Sean Connery termed it "a shattering blow " Writer Norman Mailer likened it to "having a hole in your tooth. Its p pa in that can never be filled . " And General Douglas MacArthur, more than fifty years after the loss of his father, still carried his dads photo wherever he went. "My whole world changed that night," MacArthur said of the death . "Never have I been able to heal the wound in my heart."
As men, often our strongest and most complicated relationship is with our fathers. We feel the presence of fathers who have been an importan( part of our lives; we feel the absence · of those who have not. Sometimes we take them for granted One of the most difficult aspects of tl1is relationship is the fathers death, whether actual or potential, and no matter whether the son has loved, feared , hated, appreciated , or simply not known his father during his life The specter of the fathers death brings up feelings , memories , and issues that a man may not have dealt with for some time, if at all. For some, their fathers death becomes an opportunity to honor the memory of someone they loved and who shared their life , someone who was a mentor and friend For others, the death of a father who was absent, distant, or emotionally unavailable brings up the pain of another kind of loss, and a missed opportunity : the loss of someone who might have been that loving teacher, who should have taken that honored place in a mans life.
A new book, Fatherloss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads by Neil Chethik, explores some of these issues. Chethik looks at men, both wellknown and not , who experienced the death of their father at different ages, from boyhood to middle age and beyond He then looks at such aspects of dealing with a fathers death as preparing for the loss , different styles of mourning , how spouses can help, and the benefits of therapy The quotations above are taken from the book What follows was adapted from the authors introduction ·
fATHERLOSS
The death of a man 's father It happens 1.5 million times a year in the United States alone. Yet few people are aware of its pro-· found impact. When a father dies, we often see the sons performing their "manly" duties: arranging the funeral, delivering the eulogy, comforting fellow family members Then we imagine these sons going back to their homes, back to their jobs, back, unchanged, to the lives they'd lived before It's rarely so
Michael jordan quit his basketball career after the death of his dad H l. Mencken launched his legendary newspaper career. And the poet Dylan Thomas, witnessing his father 's losing bout with cancer, composed one of the most oft-quoted couplets of the past century: "Do not go gentle into that good night./ Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
toward despondency and even self-destruction In the best, it can inspire in the son a new appreciation for his life and move him with urgency to make the most of his remaining years
My own interest in father-death began sixteen years ago with the most memorable words my father ever said to me. I was 27 years old at the time, between journalism jobs, living just a few blocks from the small Miami Beach apartment my paternal grandfather had set up after his retirement. It was the first time in my life that Grandpa was close by, and along with meals of pot roast and potatoes , I soaked up the stories of his harrowing childhood in Eastern Europe, desperate emigration, and eclectic life experiences spanning the century
Then one day I got a·phone call from a
like all rites of passage, the experience of losing a father-no matter when or how it occurs-tests the strength and suppleness of a son And the son's reaction may surprise both himself and others In the worst of circumstances, the loss can propel a son
doctor. ''I'm sorry to tell you this ," came the voice, "but your grandfather has had a heart attack, and he has expired ." I was stunned.
The next day, my father flew to south Florida from his home in Michigan. I picked him up at the airport, and we drove in silence to the hospital to identify Grandpa's body, collect his watch and wallet, and !llake arrangements to ship the body north for burial at my grandmother's side.
Then my father turned the key to my grandfather's home , and we began sorting the material remnants of the old man's life. We discovered curled black-and-white photos from the early years, as well as key chains, checkbooks , matchbooks, coins, coupons, and a pack of stale generic cigarettes. Working in different rooms, we 'd occasionally exclaim to each other about a special find Mostly we sorted in silence. · We kept at it until the glow of the afternoon sun had waned . Then my father and I collapsed in my grandfather's heavily pillowed living-room chairs, glasses of the old
man 's scotch in hand We shared memories for a while, then grew quiet. Finally, as the room faded into near-total darkness, I heard a guttural groan. At first, I was startled. Then I realized what was happening I had never before heard my father cry I rose and went to ·kneel by his side. After a couple of minutes, he spoke. " I am crying not only for my father, but for me, " . he said. "His death means I'll never hear the words I've always wanted to hear from him : that he was proud of me , proud of the family I'd raised and the life I've lived ."
My father then directed his voice toward me, and he uttered the words that continue to resound: "So that you never have to feel this way too," he said, "I want to tell you now how proud I am of you , of the choices you've made, of the life you 've created."
Much of the pain that is inherent in father-son relationships dissolved for me in the calm resonance of that blessing And in the months that followed, I felt stronger and more confident, especially as I restarted my career. At the same time , I had to marvel at the potency of the event that had brought my father, then a successful, 52year-old university professor and psychotherapist, to such depth of grief, and spurred him to a proclamation of a kind he ' d never made before
I soon learned that my father's reaction was not unusual. As I reached my early thirties, my male friends began losing their fathers in increasing numbers. For many, it was a watershed event. Some cried for the first time in years. Others feared for their own lives. One man decided to become a father for the first time. Another decided to quit his job.
Each man , it seemed to me, experienced a significant reordering of his inner landscape As a 48-year-old minister.friend told me : "When my father died, it was as if I had lived in a house my whole life, a house with a picture window looking out on a mountain .range. Then one day, I looked out the window, and one of the mountains was gone ."
That image stuck with me . And in 1995, after launching a syndicated men's column, I started writing on the subject of father-death The reaction to these columns was intense among men, most of
Summer 2001
whose previous letters and e-mails to me had focused on the intellectual. Now, many wrote with emotion , telling of the "void," the "hole," the "empti ness " that they ' d felt after the death of their fathers. Some seemed startled that a man they had once : viewed as invincible could be boxed , buried, or reduced to a feathery ash.
Some of these men expressed a hunger for more information on the subject , so I went looking . I found rich treatments on the theme of father death dating back to the fifth century B C.-from Sophocles' Oedipus cycle and Shakespeare's Hamlet all the way up to the movies Field of Dreams , The Lion King , and the Star Wars trilogy
In searching for resources , I also found books on all manner of other losses: mother-loss, child-loss, spouse-loss, job-loss , petloss , even hair-loss. I found no similar writings, however, addressing the specific concerns of modern men facing or mourning the deaths of their fathers. Despite the huge numbers of men affected the gro'Ving interest in the father-son relationship , no psych9fogist, anthropologist, journalist, or other researcher had written a book focusing exclusively on how men react to the loss of this most influential man in their lives. I devoted my energies, and the next few years of my life, to filling that gap.
Woody Allen once said, "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I
want to achieve it through not dying. " this is not yet the way of the universe. Until it is , we humans will continue to grapple with how best to cope with the loss of our loved ones. Along with the men whose stories I have presented , I offer my book as a helpful, hopeful companion in that struggle. ·
Neil Chethik is a journalist, professional speaker and workshop leader who specializes in writing about the psychology of men He lives in Lexington , Kentucky. The foregoing was excerpted and adapted from FatherLess : How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads (New York: Hyperion , 2001), and is used by permission of the publisher.
Dads Unlimited: Finding Support for Fathers
Nothing humanizes me like my fatherhood. Being with my kid reminds me daily who I am, who I've been , and what my real job is here : to love , to nurture , to support and protect my special child (and indeed all children!) , absolutel y, open-heartedly
But as other dads surely know, it's not always easy Being a good father, whatever our circumstances , can be hard work , and fathers need all the support they can get. But where to find it?
For two years I have convened a small, weekly group of diverse yet vaguely typical men from the North Quabbin region, a rural area in north central Massachusetts, to conduct a rather personal discussion around fathering On one level , this "Dads Unlimited " support group (sponsored and hosted by Valuing Our Children in Athol , Mass .) is about improving our lives and our experience of fatherhood. Ostensibly we' re here to support one another toward becoming better, more involved and more effective fathers and to chip away at some the prevailing-and damaging-male stereotypes : "deadbeat, " "abusive," "uninvolved," "Mr Mom," etc On the surface, this Tuesday evening group consists of an intense, personal check-in by the assembled fathers, with me, the facilitator, wedging in pieces of parenting curriculum about conflict, child discipline, communication, and sexuality
But I think male loneliness and a longing for support and solidarity are mostly what brings our dads' group together each week-that and the shared, gut-level ip.sight that what we do as fathers "really, really matters Across class and political lines , we're galvanized by this wild idea that our kids have an intrinsic value and a right to good fathering Early on, this obvious but critical bond pushed us past any reticence, intimacy taboos or homophobia of these dads were hungry for the chance to speak frankly about their struggles , to be heard and to receive (and give) honest, loving feedback.
1 Our group of six includes fathers in coparenting , step-parenting, divorced and single -parenting circumstances. We range from 0ur twenties to our fifties A handful of the dads have been married more than once; two more than twice We include professionals and blue-collar workers, as well as two fathers who are unemployed due to permanent physical disability. Two of us live at the poverty line, while two of us could be considered wealthy. Three of us have been to jail. One is a Vietnam veteran
Three of us have seriously injured backs All of us have daughters , and three of us single dads have s truggled mightil y while our daughters went through pubert y. All of us are, apparently, straight. None of us is particularly angelic . All o f us lo ve our kids, intensely.
Mostly, I think, we are inspired to be good dads because we kno w personally just what is at stake Eac h of us has experienced some kind of abuse as children-and , in two cases, gross neglect , brutality and torture. Several of us live with an acute awareness of the possibility of passing on this · violent legacy Of course , an y father who has struggled with vi o lence in his own life wants to believe that his capacity to be a good dad isn't ultimatel y bound by his own personal history. But of course , we often find that it is. For some of us , these wounds are profound and enduring , not easil y healed .
Whether we address it or n o t , male anger, "victim thinking ," and mis ogyny remain in our circle in various form s. As facilitator, I'm forever ch alleng ed with the choices of where to confront, where to · teach, where to model and wh ere to ignore We operate with an explicit guideline that, since we cannot change others , we come here only to work on and take responsibility for healing ourselves . Whether any of us succeeds ultimately in transc ending our oldest , deepest wounds is an open question But I have a strong hunch that this work is bigger than we are and that our children represent a precious , fleetin g chance to improve our lives and o ur children 's future .
So every week we talk at length about our intimate partnerships , our parenting issues, sex, love , pain medications , probation officers , and our kids ' trials apd accomplishments. We often learn that one man's problems are bigger than our little group can "solve. " One dad is dealing with the recent sexual abuse of his young daughters by a "family friend ." Another, single dad deals with the daily behavioral challenges of an ADD child These crises and dramas are ongoing: What could the group possibl y do to "fix" them? So instead we try to listen, mirror and respond with empathy and understanding . If it 's welcomed, we may give feedback, even advice Then , every so often, we stop sipping coffee, kibbitzing and emoting and listen to the reassuring sounds of four of our little daughters who are playing in an adjoining room full of blocks and toys . Sometimes , I'm convinced, we achieve insight, emotional movement , and change Other times it seems like we become easil y triggered, talk loudly and interrupt each other, gossip, tell "gender war stories ," analyze, blame, and impugn others for all that's wrong with the world . Then it feels to me as though we've failed. On nights like that , I go home wondering if a "dads' support group" can really have any effect. What else could we have done to help the man (and his family) in crisis? How might we have better focused our feedback , our support and our love? It's sobering to realize that a support group may not always work miracles.
Yet from my own experience, I know that becoming "Daddy" three and a half years ago offered me the greatest potential for profoundly healing my own heart , for re •parenting my own little self and becoming more whole and more peaceful in my own life. And that is a miracle , of a sort. I believe that all men-those living with and fathering children , as well as those without-are engaged on some level with precisely this same kind of healing, whether incremental or monumental. I know this because, week after week, against ali odds , the Dads Unlimited fathers keep coming back to the table, listening , empathizing , and telling their stories .
Daniel Botkin, LSW. is a social worke r, teacher, farmer and father who lives in Franklin County, Mass The Dads Unlimit ed support group will convene qgain in September at Valuing Our Children in Athol , Mass For more information contact: dbotkin@valin et.com; (413) 863-8696
Author Daniel Botkin with da ught er Leylee
My Sister's Tool Box ·
At about 18 months, my daughter was weaned . My wife was being sent to Mexico for almost a week, to assist in setting up a study abroad program, and I opted to take the baby and leave town as welL My sister had just moved to Indiana-to Bloomington ; · where her husband (then her fiance) teaches at the university She was spending the first few months there fixing up the house they had rented, while looking for work in her field She wanted some time with her niece, wanted me to see the house, wanted to help.
So the baby and I got the full tour, more information about Bloomington than I am ever likely to remember or need , running commentary about the good and bad points of the house, and in the middle of traipsing room to room, a quick stop to look under a table outside the downstairs bathroom
"How about this? " my sister said proudly: a tool box. I probably saw it in New York before she moved, but repetition is one of her charms. I don't remember the color but the thing was huge, a metal chest that opened up to reveal multiple tiers of compartments, hardware of all shapes and sizes , nuts and bolts and nails , mollies and lead sinks, washers and screws; tools stacked lower in the main compartment, hand tools and power tools, some new, some old, everything organized well enough to indicate thought, with enough disarray to reveal regular use . Not a display case or a prop; part of her day-to-day life
My sister had a little trouble choosing between her frustration at the amount of work the house had required and her pride at having done most of it herself. The baby peered inside the box and then moved on
I have to assume that my sister's attitude about home maintenance and repair-that, of course, you do most of it yourself , that recourse to outside help is an admission of failure and a waste of money-came from what she absorbed growing up. My father attended public school in New York City during a period in which students , boys at least, generally graduated with the rudimentary skills you would need to build a house ; my uncle is· an artist who could as easily have been an _ engineer. I'm hard pressed to remember a half dozen occasions during my childhood when someone was actually hired to fix anything in our house. My father-by no means a gender radical-valued com-
petence above most other things , a commitment that easily trumped whatever feelings he might have had about traditional roles: if I was a regular witness to his attempts to tame the house , my sister was too ; he would not have thought her gender a good enough excuse to make her unable to deal with her environment.
We grew up in the '60s and '70s, a transitional period culturally, one during which progress was steady but often clumsy. The erosion of gender stereotypes and roles-work that accelerated then but is by no means finished even now-was a matter of ongoing contention. And while the backlash was often offensive, some of the more progressive propaganda was unintentionally silly and counterproductive When I think back to the books that attempted to show women in nontraditional roles, in my mind, I always punctuate them in stilted fashion: "Of. Course. Women Can. Be. Welders . Anyone . Can . Do. Anything." Smile stiffly. Nod with conviction I always felt those books were a particular . insult to the children whose horizons they were supposed to be broadening. Couldn't the authors-well meaning b\lt tone deaf-hear how counterproductive this all was? A woman doing manual labor was an odd thing, the subtext screamed In the same vein, it was offensive when they showcased Latino doctors and African-American lawyers : Would · you ever say, "Look. A White. Doctor."?
Just show it, I wanted to tell them all-a writer, editor, and cultural critic even then Lean on it a little less and they' ll absorb it more naturally
And so, for my daughter, I don't want to highlight things and preach to her about possibilities All she has to do is look around She has three grandmothers-we're a modern family-a nurse, an artist, and a physics professor. One of her aunts is an actress; my sister is , among other things, a bilingual social worker.
As for my sister's tool box : Let it sit there under the table outside her bathroom . Let it speak for itself. My daughter will understand . Of course people maintain and repair their houses . What could be more natural?
Donald N . 5 . Unger is a political commentator for National Public Radio affiliate WFCR in Amherst, Massachusetts, and a frequent contributor to Voice Male
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• Event coordination experience
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Send resume, cover letter to: Rob Okun MRC Associate Director
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Men's Work and the Earth
Becoming Green Men
By Michael Dover
0n Earth Day this year, I wa s ih Hanover, New Hampshire , attending a memorial se rvice for Donella ( " Dana " ) Meadows I'd known her just a couple of years , through occasional visits to the cooperative community sh e" was helping to build Even in those brief encounters I knew her to be a kind , thoughtful , enthusiastic, curious , open-hearted person , som eone in whose compan y I could always expect to take pleas ure
Dana also was a giant o f the environmental community Co-author of the seminal 1972 book Th e Limits to Growth and its follow-up 20 years later, Bey ond the Limits, she helped define the iss ues of the global environment. And through her syndicated column "The Glob al Citizen " she reached millions with her intelligence and passion for the preservation o f the planet. She died in February, less than a month before her 60th birthday. Since then , the sense of loss being expressed from around the world has been profound. As I sat there hearing the tributes and s tories , a welter of emotions ran through me , feeling of course the loss of someone I wish I'd gotten to know better, but also examining m y own life , past and present. Before retiring in 1995 , I spent over 20 years as an e nvironmental scientist and polic y anal yst. I left the field frustrated and disappointed , with little sense of. lasting accomplis hment on which to look back I've since devoted m y time to the Men 's Resource Center and the so cial change the organization tries to bring about. In my brief tenure here , I feel I' ve done more to bring m y work and my ideals together than I was ever able to do in my profes sional career. But Dana's death led me to as k myself again : What am I doing fo r the Earth? And that question pointed me to another : What does men's work-especially as it happens at the Men's Res o urce Ce nter-have to do with saving the e nvironment?
More than anything , men 's work m eans th e struggle to overcome old stereotypes a nd o ppressive structures. That notion a ppli es equally well to stopping violence
against wom e n , endin g racis m a nd h o m ophobia , and re storing th e wo rld 's eco logical systems The link am ong all th ese goa ls is the ne ed for m en to pla y a c riti ca l rol e in countering th e cultures o f d omin a ti on a nd in creating inst ea d a c ult u re o f co nne c ti on Men ha ve histo ric a lly b ee n th e lea d e rs in the dominati o n o f peo ple a nd o f n a ture , and men of toda y ca n a nd sh ou ld tak e le adership in s howin g th e m ale p o pul a tio n as a whole that thos e p att e rns ca nn o t co ntinue
Th e best of pro -feminist men 's wo rk h as entailed self- ex amin a tio n , se lf-di scov e ry, and op e nness to chan ge: pro c esses th a t o ffer direct parallel s to c reating new pa radigms for the new "green m an. " Fo r m e, the se paradigms ta ke s h a pe in th e fo ll owin g c h a llenges fo r m e n :
Be in f ee lings . Begi n wh e re we a ll n ee d to begin , in your ow n h ea r t. Rediscove r awe and wonder in th e di ve rs it y a nd co mpl e xity of life Give s pac e fo r yo ur love o f th e wo rld around yo u and you r outr age at th e threa ts to its existen ce. Let go o f yo u r ca p ac ity to rati o naliz e th ose th rea ts away as " necessary," "inevitabl e," or "acce pt a bl e. " Experience th e fe e lin gs and i ntui tio n s o f o thers as d eepl y as yo u r own.
S ee k and gro w co nn ect ion As boys grow into m e n , w e a re ta u g ht to iso late , to co mpartm entaliz e , to di ssec t. .;T hi s is equall y true for how we exa min e t h e wo rld a nd how w e treat o ur se lves. Th e rea l wo rld is just the o pp os it e Life occ urs o nl y in co nnection w ith o th e r life . We thin k we see individual trees as we wa lk in a fores t w hen in fact eve ry tree is co nn ected th ro u gh a
vast network of roots and symbiotic fungi into what can't readily be described as one or a myriad number of organisms The fox and the rabbit are what they are because of each other ; so too the frog and the fly, the bee and the flower We are no different Men in particular need to rediscover connection with each other, to see ourselves as part of an intricate web of life rather than as somehow outside of its flows and :g cycles Only then can we see clearly our role in g keeping that web intact. -B Listen , especially to c.: • those whose voices are not usually heard Men are so often raised to take charge , to have the answers , to " know." Attitudes such as these have contributed to the problem as much as, or more than, to the solution . Women , especiall y in less developed countries , often have very different experiences of environmental problems than do men . Communities of color experience environmental degradation in their neighborhood as another form of racism. Native peoples know that resource exploitation and neocolonialism are inseparable . Those of us wh o are used to thinking we know how to define problems and seek solutions need to s tep back and learn just how much we need to learn before we can be truly useful (and then , often not at center stage)
Qu estion assumptions , including your own Letting go of knowing the answers also means being open to being wrongeven fundamentally wrong . Wrong from the get-go . Wrong about which way is up . The holders of political and corporate power (usually men) count on the public's acceptance of their definitions of the situation : We need more oil, not fewer cars; it's owls (or salmon , or ) versus jobs ; growth equals happiness More men than women bu y these assumptions, "accept" the risks , trust authority. We've got work to do with our brothers--and ourselves--so that we all begin by asking the hard questions and being prepared for uncomfortable answers Tum · away from privilege and power toward cooperation and compassion This is at the heart of what I believe men's work to
be Whether we have privilege and power in hand or merely the promise of them if we play the masculinity game right , it's time to recognize this as a path toward mutual destruction-of planet as well as of soul. As we listen to our feelings, seek connection, listen to others , and question assumptions , I believe we cannot help but move toward interpersonal and societal relations based on sharing among equals rather than benefiting from continued inequality.
For the next challenge, I'll let Dana speak (from a 1993 speech) :
Operate from love One is not allowed to say that in public anymore Anyone who calls upon the human capacity for brotherly and sisterly love, generosity, compassion, will be met with a hail of cynicism Once when I tried to do so , a high government official stood up to say, "Of all scarce resources, love is the scarcest.'' I just don 't believe that. Love is not a scarce resource, it is an untapped one
Honor yourself for what you do, forgive yours elf for whut you haven't done-yet. There 's so much to do, and the problems are so difficult and complex Nothing is en <.; ugh . But no step , however small , is not worth doing. Men's work-loving, generous, compassionate, respectful work-isn 't easy. The Men's Resource Center has been at this work for nearly two decades and it feels sometimes as if we 've only scratched the surface. And so it is with creating a sustainable world , mindful and in tune with natural rhythms. But it's the work we know we have to do Dana closed another of her books, Groping in the Dark (1982) , this way:
When everyone is so sophisticated that they can't believe it could be so simple to be honest and to care
And everyone is so smart that they know they don 't count so they never try
You get the kind of world we've got. Maybe it's worth thinking another way as if we cared and we made a difference ,
Even if it is just groping in the dark.
Dan a saw that changing the nature of human relations is essential to changing the relations of humans with nature. For men this is especially true. We can only start where we are, but we have to start
Michael Dover is chair of th e board of th e Men's Resource Cent e r and a volunteer in several of th e organization's programs aJld projects.
-
The Mythic Warrior -A 9-month Training for Men
Meeting one weekend a month for nine months, beginning in October, 2001, we will enact a modem-day hero's journey, a Men's Sean:b for MascuUnity and the Sacred.
Using depth psychology, ritual, initiatory activities, and group processes, we will cross the threshold of the developing personal and male rituals to support and guide us through life, creaing self-trust and a healthy masculinity to heal ourselves, fiunilies, and communities.
transforming "- D.C.. Collinsville, CI'
Ican still recall many of the details of my daughter Dana's Lamaze delivery 31 years ago . I know many men have had similar experiences-but my path as a father diverged from theils because I am a gay dad
At that time , in the early 1970s , gay men and lesbians were just beginning to be more visible , but the lack of visible models of n on-stere o typed gay people had led me to deny my sexuality. I had helped to parent two much younger siblings, loved children , and, as an audiologist (later an elementary school teacher), had chosen a career that put me in contact with kids a lot. When I met a nonstereotypical woman who accepted me as a non-traditional male , it felt comfortable to marry and have a child I loved being a father and sharing the responsibilities of parenting . While I always knew I was different from most boys and men, I was successful at sublimating my need for emotional and sexual intimacy with a man in order to fit into society and continue my fulfilling father role. But as Dana became more independent , I started to tune in to my needs I joined my first men 's group to find connections with other males, something I had ne ver experienced growing up I met my first two openly gay friends there and began to explore my repressed emotional side. While my wife and I had mutual love and respect , sadly, each of us felt a lack of deep intimacy in the relationship We decided to divorce wh e n Dana was seven, and she lived with each of us half-time during the week. ,
I then began my journey of self-discovery to find out what it means to be gayand to be a gay dad. The negative images and stereotypes presented by society didn't fit with my self-perception, and there were no models for gay fathers I decided to start a gay fathers ' group , because I didn 't feel I fit into the "straight fathers" world anymore , nor the world of single gay men. I helped to create a diverse group that continued for about four years I received much support and encouragement there and felt good about wanting to be an
On
Being a Gay Father
involved gay dad . I was also fortunate enough to have an ex-spouse who respected me as a father and as a gay man.
When Dana was 12, I came out to her. I had already come out to my siblings, my ex-wife , close friends , and a few co-workers , but not to my parents , so I was still
closeted in many ways I was not afraid of legal repercussions of my disclosure, but I did have concerns for my job, housing, and Dana 's and my personal safety Her mother and I worried about the reactions of her friends and their families once they knew. Although Dana seemed to take the news in stride, it was not an easy topic to discuss. While I had a community of supportive friends and was even able to be "out" in my work environment (an elementary school!), my daughter did not come out about me to anyone until her senior year in high school.
I regret the isolation Dana felt and some of my self-imposed limitations While I had a short-term gay relationship soon after I caine out to her, he was not a dad and did not understand my needs as a father. For example, he didn 't grasp my need to have regular contact with Dana and to experience her development and the major changes in her life The complexities of living in two households and of trying to protect Dana 's family image while developing my own positive , gay identity led to the decision for her, when she was 15, to live full-time with her mother and stepfather. That ranks as the most painful decision of my life; to this day I have incredible anger at the society that did not-and in many ways still does not-recognize our value as a famil y.
After that change, I did have a longterm , gay relationship Eventually Dana and I felt comfortable and safe enough to be part of the "Love Makes a Family " photo-essay exhibit (a collection of photographs and accompanying text of gay and lesbian families that continues to tour the U S ) It allowed us to be the model that ·we never had. Along the way I have been able to openly support and speak out on behalf of the gay-parent families whose children I taught, and to develop and teach an inclusive families curriculum for first graders. But it's not enough! Perhaps that 's · what has led me to work at the Men 's Resource Center (MRC), where I hope to support all fathers (and those who serve in that role), particularly tho se whe have or will come out as gay dads t o their children, families , and larger communities . There are many gay men who have so much to offer to today's children I hope organizations like the MRC can lead the way in providing ways for them to experience the joys and challenges of being nurturing, involved fathers
Allan Amaboldi is Director of Support Programs at the Mens Resource Center.
Allan Amaboldi with daughter Dana in 1994
Big Brothers Little Brothers
Mentoring Our Boys
Photographs by Gigi Kaeser • Interviews by Peggy Gillespie
Th e photographs on these pages are tal1en from an exhibit created by Peggy Gillespi e nd Gigi Kaeser of Family Diversity Proj ects to celebrat e the 25th anniversary of Big Brotl1ers Big Sisters of Hampshire County. BBBS has been in exist enc e since 1975, and has grown steadily; now serving over '125 children each year from towns all ov er Hampshire County, Mass Children between the ages of six and 16 can be ref erred by school personnel or l11 erapists as well as by their parent (s), but in all cases the parent (s) must support the referral. They are mostly from single-parent households , and the majority com e from low-income families. Th ere are more than 100 children on the waiting list, mostly boys , throughout Hampshire County
After going through an application and intervi ew process, Big Brothers are matched with Little Brothers who share similar interests. Volunteers are asked to make a one-year commitment (tw o semesters for students) and to meet with th eir Littl e.for three to five hours a week Big/Littl e Brother matches spend time togeth er doing things they both enjoy-shooting hoops , playing video games , hiking , going to museums . Th e activities are up to them , with the support of the cas e manager who provides ideas and access to fr ee tickets and discounts. Anyone int erest ed in becoming a Big Brothe1; or in getting more information about the program, can call the Amherst office at (413) 253 -2591 or stop by the office at the Bangs Community Center, 70 Boltwood Walk in Amherst to pick up an application
Ben Bowditch, Big Brother
I didn ' t really know what to expect when I first became a Big Brother. It was really just a matter of taking the plunge. None of my had volunteered for Big Brothers/Big Sisters because most people my age want to be taken care of ratherthan to take care of someone else.
I'd like to urge people not to worry about their age if they want to become a Brother or a Big Sister As long as you ' re reasonably active and like to have fun , age isn 't a problem After all , the older you get, the more time you have to volunteer. Not all retirees want to go to Florida and play golf! Being a Big Brother has been a marvelous thing for me to do at this stage in my life . It's good for the community and it's good for me
Kris and I played basketball on the first day we met. After that we ' ve done something together once or twice a week for the past six years. There has never been a problem finding something for us to do .
Luckily, we both like to do the same things.
Kris Newport, Little Brother
When I first heard that Ben would be my Big Brother, I was like, "Oh no! An old guy! " He was 74 and I was onlY. 10 When I actuall y met him , he was like , "Oh , let's go biking ." And I was like , "Ohhhhh " That was six years ago and we ' ve been together since
I have a big family and I was smack in the middle so I didn 't reall y get enough attention. My owri older brother was in a foster home Having Ben as my Big Brother has made me a better person. I'd like to be Big Brother when I grow up to help get a kid out of a situation like mine
Matt Kozuch, Big Brother
I had thought about being a Big Brother for a long time, but I didn ' t know if I was mature enough. After working as a camp counselor the past few summers, I thought it was time My first meeting with Carlos was at his house and we played Frisbee I thought he was a great kid and we hit it off pretty quickly From there, it's history! We've been together for one year.
Being a Big Brother allows you to explore different sides of your own personality. You do the manly, fun things together and you also get to share your nurturing side It creates a sort of balance between both sides of the spectrum You are responsible ·for showing a young boy both sides of what he needs in order to grow up as a healthy, fulfilled human being .
Each time we ' re together, I enjoy being with Carlos more and more. We will definitely stay connected for a long, long time. I want to see Carlos right through college and make sure he gets there and graduates That's my long-term goal. I'm more interested in the lon g term than the short term I'd like to be som eo ne Carlos can depend on.
Carlos laguer, Brother
In my family, I have one sister who is 13 and I have a little brother who is six I'm his big brother Matt is my Big Brother He 's fun to b e with because we get to do a lot of thin g s Matt and I go bowling and we play Frisbee I'm good at throwing the Frisbee but n o t that good at catchin g it. Matt is very, very good at catching it and throwing it! Matt is re al good at sports . We went canoeing one time. It was my first time on a canoe. The waves were so hi gh that we didn 't get too far out in the water One kid near us fell out of his can oe but the water wasn't too deep Matt taught me to row the canoe It was fun. I want to go again
Mark Ramirez, Big Brother
I' m 21 and I'm a university student. I live at home with my family. They all know jonathan and sometimes they do things together with us
I wanted a Little Brother who had a personality like mine , and I got one. Jonathan and I are both kind of quiet and shy. Being with jonathan helps me not stress out so much about school. Being with jonathan is a time for me to just relax. It's fun to hang out with someone younger than I am. It 's different
Ben Bowditch and Kris Newport
Jonathan Chamm, Little Brother
I wanted a companion and I got Mark as my Big Brother. He's fun We go to Mark's house a lot. I play with his dalmatian and feed it and sometimes we eat there. Sometimes we go out to the arcade at the mall and play video games. Sometimes we watch movies '
We rollerblade around Mark's street, and once we went on the bike path for two and a half miles! Then we started rollerblading back. It was sort of tiring , but I really liked go ing through the tunnel.
Mark and I went sledding once down this big hill. I hit some ice and then I slid and it was like whoosh! I just flew down the hill. It was scary and I fell off, but it was really fun. After sledding, Mark and I had a snowball fight.
In the summer, we played baseball in Mark 's yard. I went wham! The ball went all the way over to his neighbor's yard! Mark jumped over the fence and got it. Phew!
Both of my kids are in college, so being a Big Brother was kind of an extension of my life I've been Matthew 's Big Brother for about five months , and it gives me the opportunity to do things that I wouldn 't ordinarily do. Matt is a really smart kid and he 's anxious to learn. I want to try to give him the opportunity to experience some things he might never have done and take him to places that kids his age should be going to Matt has a lot of questions inside of him. Every time we meet , he has another question that he wants to ask me Hopefully, he will learn all things in life are possible and that there 's no problem so large it can 't be solved if you deal with it logically, a little at a time . He's got to learn to keep on trying to do new things and not give up
Being a Big Brother is a good thing to do because there are so many kids out there who only have one parent and need another adult to spend some time with It's really hard to be a single parent and I want to help fill that void for Matt. I'm so glad I'm his Big Brother
Matthew Shutt, Little Brother
Jose and I have gone fishing five times. The first time it was stinky. Jose taught me that you have to stand sideways like you ' re swinging a baseball bat. He taught me to cast by counting After I say, "One , two , three ," !let the line out.
Jose is a good fisherman When he caught a fish , it looked sort of like a rainbow One of mine was sort of black and on the bottom it was sort of orange-y. We threw them back in because we don ' t like eating fish. We just like to catch them! One time we went fishing and my line got caught on the bridge I caught a bridge! It made us laugh Last week we went to the movies to see The Kid. I was excited to get Jose as my Big Brother because I can do really fun stuff with him and because my mom wouidn't let me watch The Kid. But Jose would. He 's funny and nice. He 's my friend
Isaac and I enjoy swimming together, playing basketball , watching movies, shooting pool , and playing Ping Pong We want to go rollerblading the next time it 's nice out. I played basketball and baseball in high school and for my college team last year, and I want to get Isaac involved with organized sports. I can take Isaac out and do new things with him that he doesn't have the resources for in his family. We have a lot of facilities at the college and I've shown Isaac how to use the weights in the weight room, we've played basketball at the gym a bunch of times, and we ' ve used the pool a few times. I also take him to see plays and visit the museums on campus.
I'm going to Spain for this coming semester, but Isaac and I will definitely write to each other when I'm gone. I'll miss him.
Isaac Hightower, Little Brother
I was 10 years old when I first met my Big Brother. It was an interesting time of my life and Ross was fun. He's competitive and nice, and he has a nice haircut. One time when I had a crush on this girl, Ross kept on teasing me because I wouldn 't tell her. My real brother and I get into lots of fights, but when Ross and I fight , we ' re just playing and I'm the one who always wins at least half the time.
I want to go snowboarding with Ross because I've a very good snowboarder. When I grow up , I want to be a Big Brother like Ross because I want to teach my Little Brother how to snowboard! By then I'm going to be going on half-pipes and stuff. I'm going to be a professional skateboarder and rollerblader. I'm cool!
When I went away to college, I thought it would be nice to get involved in the · community that I was going to be living in for four years . I decided to be a Big Brother because I wanted to have an impact on one person's life.
I think Isaac and I were matched Ross Firsenbaum and Isaac Hightower because I said I wanted to be with someone who wanted to have fun and was into a lo.t of activities and didn' t just like sitting around and doing nothing. And I definitely got almost more than I can handle with Isaac!
Mark Remirez and J o nathan Chamm
Jose Tolson, Big Brother
J o se Tolson and Matthew Shutt
Ross Firsenbaum, Big Brother
Notes from Survivors Using the "S" Word
Is a self-avowed male survivor of childhood trauma, I am acutely aware of how the very word survivor provokes intense emotional reactions in others . When I speak of male survivors, I often sense a palpable discomfort, a sort of vague visceral disgust the listener. As one longtime friend tactfully expressed it, " It sounds a little harsh . j' This from a man who was violated as a child by a trusted adult. But the "S" word makes Ihis skin crawl.
Sadly, identifying oneself as a survivor of childhood physical , sexual, or emotional abuse or neglect still carries a social stigma , especially for men "Survivor " is seen by many as connoting weakness or "victimhood ." Part and parcel of this notion is the idea that being a survivor is something to hide and be ashamed of, not something to avow openly
Using the "S" word runs counter to male gender expectations. Men are supposed to hide their vulnerability Yet boy and man survivors can't help carrying a gaping wound in their hearts. lack adult defenses to cope with pain. When they're abandoned, or sexually abused, or beaten, or told they are worthless by a loved one, they don :t have the power to escape or make the pain stop. They can't "not take it in ." All they can do (usually) is survive, sometimes miraculously, by the power of the unconscious mind to do whatever it takes to withstand the pain This will vary, depending on the type and severity of circumstances and on the child's inner capacities Some survive by "leaving their bodies " and escaping into fantasy or numbness; some survive by attention seeking, self-punishing, or ritualistic ("self-soothing") behavior Some survive by identifying with the abuser and venting their rage toward others with even less power As the child becomes a man, these emotional inner-pain-tolerance strategies often evolve into subs tance abuse , sex addiction, intellectualism ("living in one 's head "), self-hatred, isolation, alienation, and abusive behavior
The core defense against trauma is denial. The mechanism for this is now very well understood A psychological trauma is an event that overwhelms the capacity of the mind and the self to manage or digest unbearable physical or emotional pain. In a nutshell, when overwhelmingly painful events happen , the self (especially the feeling selO shuts down. Much research has been done on this , first in studying the impact on survivors of disasters such as the famous "Coconut Grove" fire; later in studying combat veterans and survivors of childhood abuse. The findings are consistent and conclusive : overwhelming trauma causes people
to "disso cia te ," to psychically leave their bodies This dissoc iation is essential to survival in s u c h situatio ns ; it allows o"ne to avoid having a heart attack, or panicking uncontrollably Traum a survivors report a detached clarity of th oug ht , "as if I were watching the whole thing on a movie screen." This allows them to act logically, despite pain so ove rwhelming that it would be crippling if they had to feel it in the present. Dissociation is the mind 's "a n aesthetic ." People who are unable to use dissociation at these moments m ay literally die or go mad , as with soldiers who "run amok " or completely shut down ("s hell shoc k ")
Whil e dissociation is a vital defense mechanism for s urviving childhood (and other) trauma , th e problem is that it causes a cluster of lasting and difficult symptoms. The human mind seems to have a need to digest this split-off experience Parts of ourselves are still back there in the trauma, until we go back and re- experience , feel , make sense of what happ ened , preferably in the context of a safe therapeutic relationship (see my previous article , "Clea ning the Wound," Voice Male, Winter 2000 ). This is why combat veterans remember traumatic battlefield experiences 50 years later "as if it were still happening." The sym ptoms of undigested trauma typically include any or all of the following :
• irratio nal anger/rage
• self-loathing
• despair
• "spaciness"
• detachment
• intense guilt or shame or both
• suicidality
• nightmares and sleep disorders
• eating disorders
• depression
• headaches
• incapacity to feel pleasure
• sexual problems
• flashbacks
• hyperse nsitivity
• relationship problems
• reckl ess ness and risky behavior
I first realized I was a survivor when I saw these symptoms spelled out in "the survivors bible ," Th e Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davie s. As I read on, I had the profound realization that these symptoms were not my fault. Instead, they were nonnal responses to overwhelming traumatic events. But di ssocia tion is not a perfect defense. If we dissociate completely, we become robotlike , losing our essential humanity So denial (a form of dissociation) prevents us from feel- · ing the deep pain of trauma, but we can 't totally shut it out. Untreated survivors have a
By Charlie Hertan
sense that something is wrong inside, but they can't quite pinpoint it.
In our culture, boys who are carrying a survivor wound quickly perceive the need to hide it The fact is, we survivors carry a vulnerability others don 't. We can't help it. The boy fears , often rightly, that to show this vulnerability will invariably lead to ridicule , further abuse, feelings of inferiority and "unmanliness. " So he learns to hide it-by withdrawing, becoming "stony," avoiding close ness , perhaps overcompensating by adopting a gross caricature of tough or aggressive masculinity
Unfortunately, it's very difficult to go through life carrying this awful burden alone Male survivors who hide their trauma in shame grow up feeling unseen , uncared for, unlo ved, misunderstood. An awful, painful, yet vital part of their experience is hidden from the rest of the world , and often from themselves Instead of seeing themselves as human beings experiencing the normal , painful symptoms of overwhelming trauma, they grow to see themselves as bad people They may also see others as dishonest, as not wanting to know the truth.
One of the most basic human instincts is pain avoidance . Survivors will go to great lengths to disavow and deny their trauma, because it's just so damned painful and scary This instinc t pushes people to find any explanation for their symptoms-other than "using the S word." Many survivors have the painful experience of sharing their trauma with a trusted person, and experiencing rejection or abandonment due to the other 's lack of tolerance
One of my closest male friends had a standing joke with me; he thought I saw survivor issues "under every stone." One day over lunch, he announced to me, "Charlie, I think I'm a survivor." After another year of dealing with this revelation in therap y, he had become sober from a lifelong marijuana addiction and followed his dream by applying to law school, after 10 years doing work he hated. He is now on his way to graduating, and is in a long-term committed relationship for the first time Of course, the re s ults of "survivor work" are not always so dramatic. Nonetheless, the profound healing that can occur when survivors acknowledge and work on their pain should not be minimized. Using the "S" word, identifying .as a survivor,
co ntinu ed on page 22 Voice Male
By Elena Botkin-Levy
RadioActive Youth
Take Back the Media
It for me :to become disgusted and d1s1lluswned Wlth mamstream mediatop 40-radio, TV news programs plugging Survivor while feeding us sound bites about violence in the Middle East. Mainstream media feed us what they want us to hear, and most of us either just sit back and take it in or tune it out
The criminalization of young people is often overlooked in the examination of media. Most media images portray us in a negative light as negative people, and almost always these images are created by adults The selection of stories sets young people up as being violent and/or indifferent as a group, which then allows for further documentation of our apathy: And there are other distortions, especially images of young people of color as drug-dealing , violent hoodlums
'ret expressing only a critique of the media is the easy way out. It is extremely easy for me to say that I am against the corporate media, an "antimrdiaist" of sorts. I critique the media for its corporate control, for exploiting women and trapping men in a box of masculinity, for criminalizing young people and people of color, for being the voice only of rich, white, corporate men and leaving the rest of us voiceless and uninformed Anyone can notice these disparities and post a "Kill Your
TV" bumper sticker on their car. But in
only attacking mainstream media, we're making no real progress It is important to support and create alternative and community forms of media as well as calling the mainstream media out on its heinous ways. As a culture we are obsessed with the media, whether we choose to participate or not. It is impossible to escape advertisements on television , radio, billboards, at sports events, Verizon-endorsed reading literacy plans in elementary schools, or on our soda cans. The images and messages sent to us through the media are extremely effective in their impact . Thus the media is a very powerful tool. In recognizing the media as a tool and a vehicle to send messages to vast numbers of people, it becomes difficult for me to want to throw something so powerful away:
Some of us are utilizing tools as Access Orbit, a project of the Paper Tiger Television collective (PTTV) in New York. Young people from around the country sent their videos and documentaries to PTTV, where a group of young people put together
a five-hour satellite broadcast of youth-produced videos Access Orbit says, Don't criticize the media , make it. This pro-media stance seems much more effective I believe it is the balance of critique and proactiveness that will truly challenge mainstream media and culture and make progressive change. With this mission , RadioActive Youth had its conception · In 1999 , as a high school student , I met Steve Theberge in a group called Socially Active Youth , coordinated by the Men's Resource Center and the Everywoman's Center Through our conversations in that group, we decided to embark on a radio adventure to begin to confront the criminal-
ized image of young people and to create new media for positive social change. After meeting with people at WMUA , the UMass radio station , we finally got ourselves a monthly show during the Undercurrents time slot (Monday nights from 5:30 to 6 :30) . We fit right in with Undercurrents as a
public affairs show, and with their theme: to broadcast news and analysis that is not usually covered by the mainstream media and to give voice to the community: In talking about such topics as domestic violence , police brutality, feminism, masculinity, body image, the MCAS exams, racism and sexuality, and in giving space for local young people to talk about the projects they are involved in and show off their artwork, we strive to counteract the criminalized image of young people as violent, irresponsible , and unproductive in the mainstream media . To do this, we create our own media working for positive social change and put the voices of young people on the air
RadioActive Youth is committed to giving young people space to voice their concerns and opinions about o].lr society and the issues young people must confront To have these discussions, we interview and hold dialogues with other young people who are committed to making positive social change.
RadioActive Youth is run and produced solely by young people in the Amherst, Massachusetts area, with funding from the Men's Resource Center through a grant made by the Susan A. and Donald P. Babson Charitable Foundation , and from the Amherst Club and the Everywoman's Center.
RadioActive Youth can be heard every third Monday of the month on 91.1 WMUA from 5:30 to 6 :30 p.m Other alternative public affairs programming on WMUA can be heard on all Mondays (Undercurrents) and Tuesdays (Making ContacUUpfront) from 5:30 to 6:30p m For more information about.RadioActive Youth , visit our website at www geocities com/radioactiveyouth or e-mail us at : radioactiveyouth@zworg.com Stay tuned
Elena Botkin-Levy is a community youth activist and coordinator of RadioActive Youth living in Western Massachus etts
The author and team in the WMUA studios
By Vernon McClean
When Your Partner Has Breast Cancer
It has taken me two decades to write these words Twenty years ago , my wife , Freda , was diagnosed with breast cancer. What happened to us during that painful time I have never disclosed to anyon e until now One big reason is that I ha ve tried to be " macho " I have tried to live up to the popular image of what the black American male is supposed to be But I have often failed
. According to th e white-dominated , white-owned media , I am suppos ed to be "strong ." I am not supposed to cry. I must be able to handle any adversity But that is a lot to ask of a balding , skinny, West Indian black man who is insecure about his own masculinity
The bla ck community, unfortunatel y, has similar exp e ctations of black men Sadly, it 's not only Madison Avenue and Hollywood, not only white folks , but also us black folks who perpetuate the myth that the black man is strong and "can take it like a man ."
Twenty years ago , it was quite a troubled time in our marriage ; my wife and I had been separated for several y ears . When we attempted to reunite , my wife was suddenly diagnosed with breast cancer. It was obviously a terrible time for her, and it was a difficult time for me; this article is mainly about how I-a black male, dealt with my partner 's cancer For too long I have avoided the subject : It is too painful. It is too painful for me , who did not experience the cancer directly ; much less for my wife , a survivor of this deadly disease
She discovered a lump in her breast during foreplay. Wh en she came home from the doctor's office and told me she had breast cancer, things between us became difficult. In addition to raising our two children , a bab y bo y and a 10-year-old girl , there was the problem of managing the household We had recently purchased a home in the "good section" of Newark, New jersey, and I was busy trying to keep up with the mortgage payments while working on my own career as a professor in the then-controversial field of AfricanAmerican Studies. I was also, of course , dealing with everyday white racism . I generally did not get along well with my mother-in-law. But this period was the only time, she later told me , that she was proud that her daughter had me in her life She was proud , she said, of the way I "handled " the disease .
But what she didn 't know is that often I would go alone to the basement of our home and cry. I couldn 't show my feelings-! still have difficulty with publicly displaying my emotions, despite the fact that I teach a course on Ra'cism , Sexism , and Homophobia at a New jersey state college. It 's fairly easy to teach that we , as men, should be open with our emotions ; but it's another thing entirely to practice what we preach and teach . I am as open as I can be with my students , and I tell them that this openness is the ideal for which I strive . And that , like them , I am forever struggling to reach it.
Fortunately, my wife survived her ordeal. So did I, and so did we But recently,
my two sisters in the Caribbean were diagnosed with breast cancer too. My cousin Rita had cancer in one breast, and promptly · had her other breast removed as well, out of fear that the disease would spread My mother-in-law also has breast cancer ; she was a great help to my wife in coping with her cancer and all its attendant issues
Breast cancer seems to be a particular problem within the black community, with some studies showing that black women die more quickly of the disease than white women . One reason has to do with late diagnosis Another cause is the lack of medical care available in the black community. In other words: racism.
Little , however, has been written about what this plague does to black men Or any men . When my wife was in the hospital, I came home and dismissed the babysitter That very evening, my daughter, Malaika, · then 11 , walked into my bedroom in the middle of the night to tell me that she was bleeding from her vagina , and what should
she do? This was twenty years ago, remember, and sex education was not taught in the Catholic schools my children attendedor in my home, for that matter, either That night I went to the basement once again and cried
I called my friends in the Women 's Studies Department at my university, and they told me to go to the drugstore and purchase the necessary items. Looking back, it's kind of funny-but believe me, it wasn't funny then My mother-in-law also came to my rescue . I called my mother and sisters in the Caribbean, and the y too helped me with my daughter's "female problem ." Once again we all survived.
The point of all this is that breast cancer, the scourge of so many women , also has an effect on us men , particularly as husbands and fathers . I don 't know what lessons or comfort I can give to other brothers who are dealing with the impact of this disease. I can only ask you to realize that your pain, · valid as it is , is less than one-tenth of one percent of the pain that your partner is going through . I would also reassure you that your partner will not think you are "less than a man " if you break down sometimes, and openly express your pain , fear, and sadness I would also encourage brothers in this situation to join men's support groups--don't wait until cancer strikes--to help them deal with the daily issues of being a black man in America.
Finally, I would advise my brothers to do some reading , and maybe to take a course on sexism and gender that encompasses women's health and women's bodies, because you , too, might be blessed with a daughter whose menses comes when you are acting in the role of single parent. It's not easy being a black man, or a single father , or the partner of a woman who has breast cancer. But we can manage, with the help of each other and our sisters . We will survive.
Vernon McClean is chair of the Department of African-American and Caribbean Studies at the William Paterson University in Wayne, N].
Freda and daughter Malaika McClean
Dads and Docs
Healthy Boys, Healthy Men
fleeting on june-the month holdng both Father's Day and this year's th Annual National Men's Health Week-I am prompted to share a recent experience that got me thinking about children 's health. This is a change , as much of my work during these past eight years has fo cused on the health issues of adult men.
I was invited to join a panel presentation on the theme "Access Barriers to Health Care ." We panelists spoke about the usual : cost, literac y, socioeconomic issues , po litics , male ps ychology, varied skills of doctors and other practitioners , etc. During th e following Q &: A period, however, an int eresting insight arose One of my fellow panelists-a pediatrician-and I began discussing how males , after being cared for as young boys by pediatricians , are so often lost to the health care system until dec ades later They return , too often , only after the impact of decades of neglect and harmful behaviors have taken their toll
This pediatrician acknowledged , "We need to do better at building relationships with boys , teaching them about their bodies, and engaging them as partners in a life long journey of health ." For man y reasons , this doctor has my respect, and I took his words to heart .
A middle-aged , modest man, he began his career by establish-
ing a private pediatric office in the poorest section of a nearby city This "neighborhood doctor" -an anachronism by today 's standards-has not changed. Refusing to opt for the medical office buildings that house dozens of doctors consolidated into corporations, he now runs the neighborhood 's only such practice remaining in this once-thriving industrial Northeast city. He 's a dinosaur these days , sure , but at the same time he's a man with a lifelong commitment to helping the poorest, most medically underserved children.
When asked why, he spoke of a sense of community and relationships-"knowing my kids, their families, and their neighborhood " Being in relationship to and knowing their community of which he is a part Yet he admitted that even he rarely sees
older boys.
This astute, caring doctor acknowledged that he and his colleagues need to do a better job with adolescent bo ys , to assume a key role during their physiological transition years from boys to men . They need to help boys internalize a sense of purpose to preventive health , and to establish a sense of trust in a physician-as-partner. We agreed that these doctors could use fathers ' help, too .
Helping young men establish their own nurturing commitment and relationship to their bodies is a shared responsibility Many options present themselves As with most aspects of parenting, modeling is crucial.
Fathers can become increasingly involved in their sons ' medical care , from infancy to adolescence . Taking kids to the pediatrician for routine and episodic care, for instance , and using sick time from work to stay at home when kids are ill , demonstrate adult male involvement in family health beyond what is commonly perceived. And as added bonuses of this participation, men themselves increase their familiarity and comfort with the health care system and , in learning about their sons' bodies, begin to learn more about their own anatomy and functioning . Likewise, fathers can bring boys to their own medical appointments (when appropriate) , so boys can actually see an adult man in a patient role-the role of an adult
male taking responsibility for his own health and physical well-being . This can help normalize the positive aspects of males going to the doctor, countering the all-too - familiar male attitude of health care as a sign of weakness
Further, dads (and moms) can enc o urage pediatricians and internists to stret c h beyond their normal roles and h o ld pos itive health- and wellness-o r iented ev ents in their offices and the community (e.g ., dinics on sports injuries, advice o n diet and strength training, health talks at school events) that would app eal to many boys . Such interactions co uld help maintain a positive physician image for boys , emphasizing that doctors can be allies-and n o t just a source of bad news when you're 56 years old . In schools , we can request gender-specific health cont e nt , which has all but disappeared as an unfortunate by-product of the past tw o decades of gender equity education. What I'm talking about here is culture change : changing the c ultural pieces of the medical offic e, th e fa mily, and the community that en c ourage males-from adolescence onward-to "tough it out " wh e n it comes to their physical well - being , and to remain ill-prepared (in both s enses) for the eventuality of medical care .
Knowing how to engage doctors and feeling more competent when it comes to using the health care system are need s m e n regularly share with me. Gaining th ose skills can begin with earlier physician experiences , guided by the caring supp o rt of our fathers.
joe Zaske is Voice Male' s health columnist and a public health consultant who liv es in Albany, N Y. Contact him with your reactions to this or any previous column E-mail : zoskej@crisny org
Pediatrician Bert Fernandez, M.D. consulting with patient Ethan Kramer, 1"6
Using the "S" Word
co ntinu ed fro m page 18
can promo te one 's healing in seve ral ways. First and foremost , it proclaims th e tru th . It acknowledges to myself and o thers th a t, yes, as a child , I had an overwhelmingly painful experience that had a deep impact on my thoughts and feelings , experience and identity
Does this make me a "victim " ? Again, the power of language to define and s ti gmatize No, I am nor a victim. Yes , I was victimized as a child. But I have healed and
integrated th e experience; I survived and learned how to thrive I still hurt often, yet I a m a strong , whole man more often than n o t.
In my experience, using the "survivor " identity is not a sign of weakness, but rather of enormous strength. "The Courage to Heal " is a very apt title for the process of choosin g to brave the pain , to go back and clean out the wound. Acknowledging one's self as a survivor can be the first step on the road to recovery The really wonderful news from all the research on trauma is that "cleaning the wound " in a safe, therapeutic environment really works for many.
So if the shoe fits , go get the book (some men may prefer Mike lew's excellent Victims No longer, a ground-breaking work specifically geared toward male survivors) and maybe try the "S" word on for size. Be cautious about whom you choose to share it with . Calling myself a survivor acknowledges the vulnerability that I carry around with me as a result of having my heart "broken open " by my trauma . This is very personal stuff, and I don 't want to share it with just anybody But if I get close enough to someone to really want them to know me , and I feel that I can trust them with that knowledge , I do tell, and I try to educate them about what being a survivor means to me . In this way, I hope to heal mysel f, and also to do my little piece to break down the unfair and dama(gi ng stigma of a deeply human experience.
Charli e Hertan is a licensed clinical social worher with a special int erest in issu es. He can be reache,ti at chertan@javanet.com.
MRCPROGRAMS&SERVICES
SLIPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS
· Op en Men's Group- 7-9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amhers t office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St., Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.
· Survivo rs of Childhood Abuse and Neg lect- Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. ?-8 :30p.m. Friday evenings at the MRC.
· Gay, Bisexual , c_..., Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.
· GBQ Brunch- Last Su nday of the month , 10 AM- l p m. at the MRC.
FATHERING PROGRAMS
A variety of resources are available -Fathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, ec1ucational presentations and conferences. Gmup and individual counseling for new and expectant, separateU/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.
YOUTH PROGRAMS
· Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM).
Activist Men's Network: College men trained to lead workshops fo r high school and middle school st udent s on violence prevention, positive masculinity, and health y relationships.
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who hav e been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available.
· Busic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-manelated (40 weeks) men are held in Am herst , Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield
· Follow-up : Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst.
· Partn er Services: Free phone support , reso urces, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners o f men in the MOVE program .
· Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hamps hire County jail and House of Correction s.
· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic vio lence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.
· Sp eak ers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.
WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING
Available to co lleges , schools, human service organizations, a nd businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response ," "Strateg ies and Skills for Educating Men," "Bui lding Men's Community," and " Challenging Homophobia ," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.
PUBLICATIONS
· Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles , essays , reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.
· Children, Le sbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sp erm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "w ho have been there ."
RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES
Information about events, counselors, groups, local , regional and national activities, support programs for men . Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.
Men 's Resources
Resources tor Gay, Bisexua l and Question ing Men (on page 15)
The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups , patient support groups , nutritional supplements , dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost housing , and transportation
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254 -4444 ; free , confidential HIV/AIDS services , including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities
Children 's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services Counseling for individuals, families and children , with a play therapy room for working with ch ildren . Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress . HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586 -6750 (evenings)
Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St. , Northampton . Doors open at 6 PM
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England .
RESOURCES
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues
Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals , etc
Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry(413) 584 -6599
I.J1JmJlJ Resources
Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www mrc-wma com
National Men's Resource Center
National calendar of events , directory of men 's services and a listing of books for positive change in men 's roles and relationships www menstuff org
The Men's Issues Page: · www vix com/pub/men/index html
100 Black Men, Inc.: www 1OObm org
Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro htm
Pro-feminist mailing list: http ://coombs .anu ,edu .au/-gorkin /profem.html
At Home Dad: www parentsplace com/readroom /athomedad
The Fathers Resource Center: www slowlane com/frc
National Fatherhood Initiative: www cyfc umn edu/Fathernet
The Fatherhood Project: www. fatherhoodproject.org
Maaazines
Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda demon co.uklachilles /issues html
XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs anu edu au/-gorkin/XY /xyintro htm
Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen html
The Men 's Rape Prevention Project: www mrpp.org/intro html
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www geocities com/CapitaiHill/1139 /quitporn html
Volunteers .NnMJL
AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586 -82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS Men are especially needed Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County
We are looking for men to be Big BrothElrS in the Hampshire County area Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend . To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.
Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned · Parenthood 's services , promote safe sex praptices , and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events
Men 's Resource Center (413)"253 -9887 Distribution , ad sales and mailings for Voice Male , general office work , special projects , etc. Flexible schedules ·.
Thank You!
The Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a ·growing community of support Thank you.
Office Volunteer: Hayyim Rothman
Computer Support: Bill Fleming, Kirk Peterson
Donated Space: Hampshire Community Action Commission , Northampton; Jack Hornor and Ron Skinn ; UMass Stonewall Center
In-Kind Donations : Joseph Babcock, Baystate Health System, Collective Copies, Dean's Beans, Food for Thought Books, Henion Bakery, Pride & Joy, Rao's Coffee, Sign GrafiX , Mark Summa
As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.
Konza Massage
Deep tissue, sports, structtual body work and relaxation therapy for men
june 30 , 9:00 a.m.-4:00p.m.
Worcester, Massachusetts
Finding a Lover for Life Workshop for single , gay &: bisexual men conducted by author, coach , &: counselor David Price , MS, NCC , CCMHC , CAS, CCJS. Cost: $50, including lunch. At : UCC Worcester, 6 Institute Road Pre-registration required. Information : (978) 632-04 78); dmprice@onebox .c om; David Price, P.O BOX 614, Gardner, MA 01440.
jltly 13-21
Allagash River, Maine
Men in the Wilderness
Canoe trip led by jody Grose to renew your spirit with men No previous experience required Safety &: paddling taught. Limited to 14. Cost including food &: outfitting: $650 Information: (203) 7784393 ; healingbear®rcn.com ; Return To The Fire, 23 Kayview Avenue, Bethel , CT 06801.
july 19
Boston, Massachusetts
Peaceful Warriors
5th Annual Men's Health Conference sponsored by the Men's Preventive Health Counseling Program (MPHCP), Health Services Depanment. Focus: violence in men &: their families Open to providers and community. Information: (617) 357-6000 x251; ABCD Health Services, 105 Chauncy Street, Boston, MA 02111.
july 20-22
Bangor, Pennsylvania (Pocono Mountains) Leaping upon the Mountains
A Men's Recovery Weekend Workshop led by Mike Lew, M Ed For non-offending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse &: other boyhood trauma . Cost: $295. Information: www.abbing(610) 5881793 ; nextstep@jamaicaplain com. Registration ( required : therapist's letter of recommendation): Kirkridge Retreat &: Study Center, 2495 Fox Gap Road , Bangor, PA 18013 ; Tel. (610) 588-r793 ; Fax ( 610) 588-8510.
july 20-22
Denver, Colorado
MANifesting Globaljnstice: Creating Inclusive Communities ·
26th Conference on Men and Masculinity sponsored by the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) &: others. For men &: women &: gender equality At: University of Denver Information : info@nomas.org; (303) 6667043 ; P.O Box 455 , Louisville, CO 80027-0455; www.nomas.org.
jul y 22-28
Penobscot River, Maine
Father &: Son Adventure
Can oe trip led by jody Grose &: Paul Gemme to expand &: deepen the bond Cost including food &: outfitting: $875 for 2 Information: For other particulars see above, under july 13-21.
August 10- 12
Windso r Locks, Connecticut
4th Annual Ritual Abuse, Secretive Organizations and Mind Control Conference
Sponsors : SMART (Stop Mind Co ntrol and Ritual Abuse Today ) &: others. Purpose : to help survivors of ritual abuse &: prevent it &: mind control. For survivors, professionals &: others At Double Tree Hotel , 16 Ella Grasso Turnpike (near Bradley International Airport near Hartford, CT) Cost: $7 0-$180 (fee waivers available ).
CALENDAR
Information:
http ://members .ao l.com/sma)tnews/smart-2001conference htm; S M A.R.T. , PO Box 1295 , Easthampton , MA 01027-1295; smartnews@aol.com.
August 11,9 :00 a m -4:00p m Fitchburg, Massachusetts
Finding a Lover for Life
For particulars, see above, under june 30 At : Gardner VNA Community Center, 35 Main Street.
August 19-25
Cabot , Vermont
Soul Awakening
An adult , coed , camping, rite-of-passage retreat to gain clarity &: focus on life &: making changes. No prior camping experience required. Cost : $950. Scholarships available. At the Helfand Homestead Information: (802) 563-3063; Four Seasons Healing, Inc ., 340 Deeper Ruts Road, Cabot, VT 05647 ; www SoulAwakening org.
September 8-12
San Diego , California
Working Together to End Abuse 6th International Conference on Family Violence. Hosts : Family Violence &: Sexual Assault Institute (FVSAI) &: the Children 's Institute International (CII). Co-sponsors: California Department of Social Services &: others. Open to all Continuing Education Credits &: scholarships available Information: Tel. (858) 623-2777 ext. 403 (Ruth Shepersky); Fax (858) 646-0761 ; fvconf@cspp.edu; Conference Co-Coordinator, 6160 Cornerstone Court East, San Diego, CA 92121 ; www.fvsai org.
September 12-14
Boston, Massachusetts
Also : july 11-13, Portland , OR; August 1-3, Columbus, OH; October 10-12, St. Petersburg, FL; November 7-9, Washington , DC;&: December 5, 7, San Antonio , TX
Working with Young Fathers : Building Skills for Practitioners
Conducted by The National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL) For practitioners&: program administrators . Limited to 25 Information : www.npcl.org ; mveazie@npcl.org ; Tel. 888-528-NPCL; (202) 8226725 ; Fax (202) 822-5699 ; NPCL 2000 L Street, NW, Suite 815 , Washington , DC 20036
September 13-16
Cabot, Vermont
Soul Awakening
A men's camping, rite-of-passage retreat to gain clarity &: focus on life, heal &: make changes No prior camping requi-red. Cost: $250. At the Helfand Homestead. Information: (802) 5633063; Four Seasons Healing , Inc ., 340 Deeper Ruts Road , Cabot , VT 05647; www.SoulAwakening.org.
Septemb er 20-23
Hartford, Connecticut
2001 A Health Odyssey-Exploring the Universe of Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Men 1st New England Gay Men 's Healt Summit (NEGMHS).
For those of all genders &: sexual orientations, health providers , community organizers , &: public health officials Workshops Cost: $125-$225; students: $90. Scholarships &: community housing available. Secure hotel reservations (at $82.00 per
night for a single, double , triple or quad) only before August 30 at (860) 728-5151 or 1-800HILTONS &: stating you're attending this Summit. Information : (860) 278-4163 Registration : Hartford Gay &: Lesbian Health Collective, Attention: Frank DeFrancesco or Scholarship Committee (as appropriate), P.O. Box 2094, Hanford, CT 06145-2094
September 21
West Springfield, Massachusetts
Working with Men Who Batter: Contemporary Interventions and Research Findings Workshop-seminar presented by Fernando Mederos, Ph D &: Etiony Aldarondo, Ph.D Information: Tel. (413) 827-4224; julie Bieri@sphs.com; Fax (413) 747-0182 ; Brightside for Families &: Children, 2112 Riverdale Street, West Springfield, MA 01089
October 10-14
Boston, Massachusetts
Also December 4-9 , Santa Fe, New Mexico Gender Reconciliation-Residential Intensive Sponsor: Shavano Institute. Introduction to processes for restoring mutual trust &: providing authentic intimacy between men &: women Cost : $500-$575 plus $65 per day for double accommodations &: 3 vegetarian meals. Scholarships available. Information: Tel. (720) 890-0336 ; gender@shavano.org; Fax (720) 890-0339 ; www shavano.org; Shavano Institute , P.O Box 17904 , Boulder, Colorado 80308.
October 25-28
New York, New York
Healing The Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men
9th International Conference of the National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV) An Affiliate Sponsor : Men's Resource Center Workshops , seminars , and presentations. For survivors, professionals , women , and others Scholarships available. At john jay College of Criminaljustice, City University of New York Information: 800-738-4181; · www.malesurvivor.org; nornsv@malesurvivor org; NOMSV. 5505 Connecticut Ave , NW -#103, Washington, DC 20015-2601.
October 29-30
Scottsdale, Arizona
Advanced Gender Certificate Training Program Offered by The Scottsdale National Gender Institute. For professional improvement in designing &: implementing gender cultural changes in the workplace. Limited to 25 Information: Tel. (480) 473-0426; Fax (480) 473-0427; info@gendertraining.com ; www gendertraining com; The Scottsdale National Gender Institute , 4611 E. Sands Drive , Phoenix, AZ 85050
October 31-November 2
Scottsdale, Arizona
Closing the Gap, Scaling the Heights : Men and Women Together
8th Annual Conference of The National Associ<!tion of Gender Diversity Training (NAGDT). Speakers from AT&T, Kodak , &: other companies. Limited to 200. Information: See above, under October 29-30, but address mail to: NAGDT at given address
continued on next page
November 8-10
11th International Conference on Sexual Assault and Harassment on Campus
Organized by Safe Schools Coalition, Inc. l' articipating organizations: American Fed e ration of Teachers, American School Co •.tn selor Association , & many ot hers For all concern e d. Cost: $295-$330; students: $110$145 For airline discounts at early booking, ca ll1- 800-524 -1223 , state you're travelling to this conference, & give index no. 18181659 At: Hyatt Orlando Hotel, 6375 W Irlo Bronson Memorial Hwy., Kissimmee, FL 34747 (For discounted room rates call407-396-1234 before Oct. 5) Information: Tel. 800-537-4903; Fax 941-778-6818 ; ssc@tampabay.rr.com; Safe Schoo ls Coalition, Inc., 5351 Gulf Drive, P.O. Box 1338 , Holmes Beach, FL 34218-1338; www.ed.mtu.edu/safe.
November 13-18
Boulder, Co lorado , Gender Reconciliatio n-Year-Long Training 1st of 4 week-long modules spread over one year, offered by the Shavano Institute for (1) professionals & others to develop skills of facilitating gender reconciliation &: (2) those solely seeking gender reconciliation Cost of all 4 modules : $2500-3500 plus about $65 per day for multiple occupancy &: meals. Scholarships available Information: See above , under Oc tober 10-14
Please send all ca lendar listings for events from September 1 to December 31-and beyond-to : Voi ce Male Calendar, mposada@crocker.com with CC to mrc@va lin et.co m, or MRC, 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, MA 01002; Fax: (413 ) 253-4 801. Deadline for Fall issue: Aug. 6
INTERNAL MEDIATION I
ln/errud Meditllkm i.1' an e>prniential, internal "inquiry" that is ea.ry to learn rmd to use. 'Jbe simple process helps to ident[£v a problem, and immediately begin to shed neu..' light tmd perspectitJe on thatprobkm. lndit/iduals who have used fnterrull Mediation realize profound mzd lasting changes in their lives. lntemal Mediation is based on 'Jhe Work' of Byron Katie. and 'Jbom Herman is a certified pract:tirmer t?f 7he Work . Like Katie, . '!born goes where and aL-;o keeps regular hours in Greenfwld and Northampton. For informaJion on group or indit;idual sessio11s calt:
Wilderness Canoe Trips
Workshops & Trainings
Finding a Lover for Life
...
A Workshop for Single Gay and Bisexual Men
Are you looking for a spiritual relationship with another man? Do you find yourself wishing you could meet other like-minded men? Are you tired of meeting the same people and having the same experiences? H this is your situation, you may be ready for this workshop . • This .workshop will assist you in:
1) Overcoming your barriers to intimacy with men, 2) Creating incredible energy in same sex relationships, 3) Developing powerful intentions to attract compatible men, & 4) Creating skills to meet and attract dating partners.