Voice Male | Summer 1999

Inside:

• School Boys and the Killing Fields

• What We Can Do to Avoid Another Littleton

• Portraits of Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Families

• Becoming a Man: The Big impossible?

• Men as Survivors: A Silent Majority

Men Learning "Emotionalese"

The Big Impossible?

For many men , childhood was marked by incidents of violence and abuse , leaving us to lead e motionally restricted, narrow lives , lackmg any expression of empathy. But it needn 't b e that way.

When I was in the fifth grade Van Denson (not his rea l name ) j omed our class m the middle of the year. Van was a nice kid, a fair athlete. bigger than average, somebody who by all accounts should have fit m . But Van had a physical condition that prevented him from controlling his urge to urinate. I don't know how h1s family was treatmg the problem , but it wasn't working Van almost always smelled of urine and, naturally, was the targe t of the painful slings and arrows of his (male) classmates.

My reaction was different. I felt tremendous compassion for Vans situation and couldn't believe how cruel some of my classmates could be He can 't help it , I thought , but I never dared say so I'm sure now that I wasn't alone in how I felt, but the code of silence that boys adopt early prevented me from talking about my feelings with anyone Except maybe at home, and then only sometimes

As the weather warmed up and we were outside more often , I witnessed more examples of Van being taunted As I did so , I became increasingly distraught about his situation, began having trouble sleeping and eating , and felt pretty helpless My parents noticed something was wrong with me and, with some prodding , I began to open up. One school day, · about five o'clock in the morning , I climbed in between them in their king-sized bed and started crying , heaving sobs . choking out words of helplessness and hopelessness about Van "It's not fair It's not fair," I kept repeating I felt hollow inside, empty, a little boy scared and confused about why sad things happen and how cruel people could be.

But why was I so obsessed with Van's plight? He wasn't my best friend , wasn't someone I hung around with all that much Over the years I've come back to that time in my life and my strong feelings about Van, puzzling to uncover its meaning . What I've come to believe is this : I was trying to establish an emotional vocabulary for myself, a way of being that allowed me to fully feel To their credit , my parents gave space and voice to my confusion and pain, my dad allowing me to feel sad about Van, my mother comforting me while rightly focusing on trying to prevent her little boy from becoming a nervous wreck.

Maybe, being 10, there wasn't a way for me to fully understand what I was experiencing; maybe, it being the 1950s, there weren't the words . In either case , while I sensed approval at home, that support was challenged on the playground The times I played with Van at

recess put me at risk of b eing ostracized by my regular bunch of guys So those times became fewer and fewer, and my empathy for Van's plight had no outwa rd expression It burrowed into my heart space , sank into my churning stomach , erupted as bile , s tinging my .throat.

On some mornings I awoke gripped with anxiety, sobbing into my pillow, not wanting to go to school. I didn 't want to have my heart tom open again witnessing Va n's humiliation as the odor of his urine-soaked pants filled my row. Thankfully, at su c h moments my parents didn 't deride me with harsh words of "consolation"-"Toughen up! 'fhat are you crying about?" Instead, I remember my father holding me, listening, while my mom rubbed my back, their little boy trying to find the words to match his feelings With the passage of time , I felt as if I'd been taking a Berlitz course in a foreign language called "Emotionalese ."

About a week before the horrifying massacre at Columbine High School , I'd started reading Raising Cain: Protecting th e Emotional Life of Boys , by child development therapists Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson They believe emotional literacy is the most valuable gift we can offer boys , and emotional connectedness the sturdiest bridge between boyhood and manhood "Individually, and as a culture , we must discard the distorted view of boys that ignores their capacity for feeling , the view that colors even boys' perceptions of themselves as above or outside a life of emotions ," they write . From such a vantage point I can much more clearly understand my own experience with Van nearly 40 years ago I wanted to speak "Emotionalese" but was afraid none of my peers would join the conversation. And I have to wonder, how proficient were the Littleton perpetrators, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, at expressing themselves in the-for many males--foreign language of feelings?

Among the Fox Indians of Wisconsin , manhood was characterized as the "Big Impossible." How apt. For no matter what rite of passage, competition, vision quest , or deprivation we endure, without an outlet for emotional expression , the true definition of what 's possible for man,hood will continue to elude us.

Those of us concerned with boys developing strong, flexible emotional lives and growing to become empathetic adult men must look for solutions to raising boys that go beyond gun control, MTY, the Internet, or Hollywood We need to help our sons n avigate the passage into their inner lives, to help them discover the road markers along the way, and offer them love and support to fortify them on their journey

Administrative Staff

Executive Director - Steven Botkin

Associate Director - Rob Okun

Business Manager - Carl Erikson

DUlce Manager- George Moonlight Davis

Outreach Coordinator - Steven Jacobsen

Development Associate - Tim Van Ness

Men Overcoming Violence

Directors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin , Sara Elinoff

Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin

Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinott

Group Leaders - Juan Carlos Arean, Steven Jefferson, Rob Okun, Steve Trudel

Intake Coordinator - Tim Van Ness

Youth Education

MARS Program - Russell Bradbury-Carlin , Javiera Benavente

Springfield Programs

Director - Juan Carlos Armin

Voice Male

Editor - Rob Okun

Senior Editor - Steven Botkin

Managing Editor - Michael Burke

Production - Mark Bergeron

Ad Sales Director - Steven Jacobsen

Copy Editor - Michael Dover

Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean

Board of Directors

Chair - Michael Dover

Vice-Chair- AI Sax

Clerk/Treasurer · Peter Jessop

Members ·Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Thom Herman Sean Hutchinson , Ty Joubert, Yoko Kato Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart

Editor's Note

Tne opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC We welcome letters to the edito r. articles, news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest We encourage unsolicited manuscripts but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a self-addressed. stamped envelope Send to: Editor. Voice Male, c/o the Men's Resource Center.

Membership

The MRC is funded by individua l and organizational contributions. and by tees tor services Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence Annual subscription and membership is $25. Send to-MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002

Advertising

For rates and deadlines call Steven Jacobsen

From

Voice Male

By Steven Botkin

Men as Survivors: A Silent Majority

Iam a survivor of childhood abuse No, my parents did not beat me I was sexually abused on several occasions by a male babysitter when I was about seven years old. I was not physically injured or threatened, and I told no one until I was well into adulthood . I am a survivor of childhood abuse. One of the smallest kids in my class throughout elementary and junior high school, I was a target of regular teasing and physical harassment, especially from the bigger boys. When the quickness of my wits and physical agility weren't enough to avoid the abuse, I learned to play the game of obsequious submission to give the abuser what he wanted : a sense of power and control. I was never physically injured beyond minor bumps and b ruises , and I talked about it with no one

I am a survivor of childhood abuse. In elementary school, in addition to fire drills, we would regularly practice filing into the hallways to kneel , facing the wall with our hands over our heads. I learned how twenty years earlier my relatives , along with millions of other jews, were killed in concentration camps. Late r, ni ght after night , well into my high school years, I watched in silent horror scenes of war, assassinations , riots, caskets unloaded from airplanes. I was told that , as a man , I could soon be forced to be a soldier I was not physically injured, and I knew I was not supposed to talk about my pain and fear.

It is a sad and underestimated truth that boys and young men are regularly abused-in our families, in our schools, on our streets. We are abused with physical violence, sexual violence, intimidation, and harassment. We are abused by distinctly male forms of ageism, homophobia, racism, classism, and ableism

We are abused by war. We are abused by parents, other adults, and other children

We are profoundly affected by both overt and direct violence, and by seemingly subtle and "mild" violations The legacy of a dominating, patriarchal masculinity is inherited through all of this abuse. We are then doubly vio lat ed by hav-

ing to pretend that what happened wasn't really that bad We are taught that this is "normal," "part of growing up," "the real world ." It certainly seems to be going on all around us. We stifle our natural feelings of violation and outrage . We quickly come to understand that we are not supposed to "complain"-in other words, talk about it. We begin our careful practice of silence and denial, telling ourselves "I don 't really hurt," ''I'm not really scared," "I don't really need any help ," and trying to prove it to othersand ourselves-over and over again . The practice of silence and denial can also prevent us from recognizing when others are experiencing abuse-even when it is those we love , even when we are the ones being abusive. We have become so numb to the reality of violence and abuse in our lives and in our culture that we now may no longer see it for what it is. Naming abuse can open up a Pandora's box of our own experiences.

As men learn to tell the truth about our full range of childhood experiences, we recognize how the vast and mostly silent majority of us are survivors ·of abuse. As we learn that we are no longer bound by the codes of silence and denial we can reclaim the full truth of our experiences and our feelings We can remember our ability to speak out in response to all forms of violation. We can become natural allies with all others who have been victimized by violence or abuse. We can take our place with other men and with women as part of a great uprising of the human spirit to throw off the stifling legacy of silence and denial.

This is the mission of the Men's Resource Center. We invite yo u to explore the pages of this magazine, visit us at our offices in Amherst or Springfield, and drop in on one of our support groups. Your participation is encouraged-write to us, volunteer with us , become an MRC member

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU

Wnte u s 1 Please send typewntten , double-spaced letters to: VO ICE MALE MRC 236 North Pleasant Street , Amherst , MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253 - 4801 ' ' E-mail - mrc@valinet. c om, include address and phone Letters may be edited for clanty and length Deadline for the Fall ' 99 issue is August 10

Pushing Against the Tide

I am much impressed with what you have done with the MRC. The willingness to t ake on these huge issues and to push agams t t he tide 1s heartwarmmg 1 ei1Joyed th e range of VIews brought together m V01ce Male I am reminded how much there is to learn and unlearn Bes t of luck.

Chris Brett Bath , Marne

Reassembling the Fragments

The foll owing le tt er was received after a recent "Talk Ba ch" presentation on domestic violen ce at Am herst Regwnal High School by Nancy Girard and Scott Girard of the · MRC Speak ers' Bureau and Rob Ohun MRC associate director and a group in the Men Overcoming Violen ce (MOVE) program .

Thank you again for your thoughtful presentati on and generosity of spirit. Comments on student feedback forms certamly reflected that s t udents felt enriched b y t he experience. Personally, I was imp ressed by how balanced Nancy and Scott are-not to get the least bit "thrown " by the questions raised . What a fanta s tic example of the streng th and depth of the human spirit!

Congratulations on your work with the Speakers ' Bureau.

Stud ent comments included:

"The experience gave me incredible insigh t into abusive relation ships."

"I pretty much thought that abusive men are unchangeable I'm glad to know that there is a men's group [MOVE] that really is effective. "

"I really appreciate the way Nanc y and Scott were honest and open about their lives It helps others to be open about the s ubject and m ake it le ss ta boo. "

"It helped to see where I was as a man concerning how I feel with anger."

"I t helped me sort out some stuff that I'n been dealing with. "

"It was really interesting and I liked listening to a real story instead of just fact s ."

Finally, I'd like to share a quote l r ecently rea d that seems very relevant to your experi ence:

Break a vase, and the l;ve that reassembles the.Jragm ents is stronger than that which took its symmetry for granted when it was whole -Derek Walcott

Adrienn e Talamas Amherst Regional High Schoo l Amherst, Mass

Change Is Possible

Your center sounds like a wonderful organizat i on and it appears you are doing some great work. I work at a parent -child center in Burlington, Vermont, and among the things I do is to facilitate a weekly fathers and children gro up . The articles in Voice Male concerning ra ising boys were u s eful topics for dis cussi on a mong the dads.

I also work at Spectrum Family Services fa cilitating groups for men who batter. I shared the excellent article by Sara Elinoff ("Believing That Abusive Men Can Change," Winter 1999) with my co -workers ; it boosted my belief that change is pos sible. Keep up the good work.

Stephen Moj ica j ericho , Vt

We Need You , MRC

Your requ est for donati ons for your yo uth programs arrived the same day as the school shooting in Colorado. Here is my contribution-! wish I could give more. Thank you for the work you are doing. We need more organizatio ns like you. You will always h ave my support.

Susan Fountain Poughkeepsie, N Y

Give a Call

Maybe you don't drink Bud Light. Maybe you don't even drink beer. That's OK-but you might want to give the people at Anheuser-Busch a call applauding an u nprecedented action: they ran an ad in a gay and lesbi an magazine showing two men holding hands , with the tagline , "Be yourself and make it a Bud Light. "

· The ad, which may be the first of its kind from a majo r national adve rti ser, ran m t he April 22 issue of EXP, and also noted t hat Bud Light is a "Proud Sp onsor of t he St. Louis PrideFest '99 ." refernng to an annual gay and lesb1an festival held in June .

Already Anheuser-Busch has been getting calls both for and against the ad . Gay community leaders have urged people to call in support, while Jerry Falwell has reportedly issued a call to his fo llowers to de nounce t h e ad

You can wei gh m, too. To simply reco rd yo ur support, call the Bud Light folks at (877 ) 233-7725 and leave ·a message To t alk to a real live person , call 1-8 00 -DIAL BUD .

God, Sex, and Money

For some men God, Sex and Money are the Big Three-like Roosevelt, Churchill , and Stalin . or GM , Ford , and C h rys ler Th e brainchild of three prominent work leaders, "God, Sex, and Money" is an intriguing new workshop for men that will be presented for the first t1 me in New England this fall

The works h op grew out o f a weeklong Wilderness retreat held in northern Minnesota in 1997, where 36 men explore d the issues that touched them most deeply. According to the workshop facilitators , the subject o f God ca me up on the very first day-men's hunger for God , disbelief in God, anger toward God, and other powerful and conflicting feelin gs

On t h e second day God rested , and male sexuality came to the forefront with an open dis c ussion of sexual morality, wounds , and wonders.

T h e third day brought up money : how m e n's sense of self-worth can be tied to the ir net worth, how the wealthy can lose what matters most and the 1mpovenshed can be rich in friends.

Given the importance of these issues to men, the three retreat leaders-John

MEN(@WORK

Lee, Joe Laur, and Jeffrey Duvall-decided to h old a workshop devoted to just these three themes. Lee is a founder of the Au stin Center and author of Flying Boy a n d other books; Laur is a training leader a nd former exec utive director of the New Warrior Network, now known as the ManKind Project; Duvall is associate director of the Council Project in Boulder, Colorado.

"God, Sex , and Money" will be held Friday through Sunday, October 1-3, 1999, at the Sirius Community Conference Center in Shutesbury, Mass. To register or for more information contact Stephen Stem at (508) 376-9544 (offic e) or e-mail SstemRAM@aol.com; or Jedd Miller at (413) 549-5585 (office), e-mail JeddMiller@aol.com

A Few Good Men

Big Brothers/Big Sisters is looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area of western Massachusetts . Big Brothers act as ment ors and role models for boys who need a caring adult friend-someon e who will listen with an uncritical ear , who will give advice if asked and encouragement when needed , and who will help put things into perspective Ultimately, the gui dance of a Big Brother can help a child grow into a confident , competent, and caring individual.

What are the benefits? Men who vo lunteer to be Big Brothers have a cha n ce to reconnect with yo uth , to make a goo d life even better, and to h ave a sense of givi ng something back to their community The feelings of growing and learning are shared by both the child and the volunt eer

Big Brot h ers and c hild ren do things that any friends might do together : watch movies, ride bikes in the park, si t and talk, even run errands. The focus is

not on spending money, but on spending time with a child The time a Big Brot h er spends with a child can make a positive difference in that child 's life-and it's only a few hours a week.

To learn more about becoming a Big Brother, call Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County at (413) 253-2591.

Peace of Mind

Traprock Peace Center and Mt Toby Friends Meeting are cosponsoring a weekend works h op entitled "C reating Peaceful Relationships in a Dominator Culture ," led by Bill Moyer of the Social · Movement Empowerment Project in San Francisco. The workshop will be held at the Mt. Toby Friends Meeting in Leverett, Mass., on the weekend of June 19-20.

The workshop is designed to help participants learn methods for transforming behaviors such as competing, arguing , blaming , and p laying victim, as we ll as power plays, control, coercion, putdowns , judgments and the like into ones t hat are empowering and peaceful. The idea is also to help participants become more effective as activists and more fulfilled in their personal relationships

Bill Moyer ha s been an organizer and trainer in social and personal change for 35 years in the United States, Canada, eastern and western Europe, and Australia. He has worked in the civil rights, anti-Vietnam War, anti-nuclear energy and weapons , and anti-domestic violence movements . Thousands of people have attended hi s worksh ops-but organi zers cauti on that he is not Bill Moyers of PBS- TV!

To register for the workshop , contac t Traprock Peace Center, Keets Road, Deerfield , MA 01342 Call Mary Link, (413 ) 628-4695, or Traprock, (413) 77 37427, to discuss scholarships

jeffrey Duvall, john Lee, joe Laur

New Support Group Opens in Northampton

Thanks to the generosity of Hampshire County Community Action Commission, which donated the space, the MRC has expanded its weekly open drop-in group to Northampton. The group meets on Tuesday evenings from 7 to 9 PM at 218 State Street. Eight new trained facilitators have been invited to join the MRC's Support Groups program. For more information about the Tuesday night group or support groups in general, contact the MRC at (413) 253-9887.

MR C Op ens Satellite Office in Spri ngf ield

The MRC has opened its first satellite office at the South End Community Center in Springfield Located in an impressive 100-year-old former Armory building at 29 Howard Street, the space includes a private o ffic e and bathroom and a group room for meetings and gatherings "This is a good example of t urnmg swords mto plowshares," said Springfield programs director juan Carlos Arean. "We will be running our

MEN(®W ORK

Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE ) groups here-one of which already exists-a youth group, and support groups "

Additionally, the MRC is running a youth group and a Spanish-speaking MOVE group in Holyoke For more information on Springfield area programs, contact Arean at (413) 25 3- 9887.

United Way Head

Joins MRC Board

Ty Joubert , president of Community United Way of the Pioneer Valley in Springfield, has joined the MRC Board of Directors. Ty joins Brenda Lopez, domestic violence prevention coordinator for the City of Springfield , in providing a voice and perspective from the state's thirdlargest city. A native of Texas , Ty has spent most ,of his career in United Way organizations , moving to our area six years ago from Sari Francisco . "Ty has been a tremendous supporter of our Springfield initiative for the past two years, " said Michael Dover, MRC board chair "As we continue to develop programs fo r the Springfield area, we are especially pleased that he and Brenda are available to a dvise, counsel, and encourage us ."

The Power of Positive Eating

MRC Workshop Program Expands Reach

The MRC has begun marketing its broad range of workshops, training p rograms, and presentations to schoo ls, agencies, and bus inesses, and will so on begin offering in its facilities a regular schedule of workshops and lectures for the general public These workshops will cover a broad range of gender issues

"This new program pulls together in a marketable way the workshops and training the staff has up to now done ad hoc ," says Carl Erikson , MRC Workshop and Training (WAT) coordinator. "And it gives us an opportunity to serve amuch broader range of men and men 's issues."

The outside workshops and training programs the MRC currently offers will continue and be expanded. "They'll be only a part of what we offer, though, " Erikson says. "For our in-house workshops, we want to increase significantly the number of subjects we offer-ones of interest to men and boys in particular." Proposals for workshops to be offered inhouse at the MRC should be submitted by july 30 to Erikson For more information on submitting program proposals, or to get your name on the mailing list for the in-house catalog of programs, contact Erikson at (413) 253-9887, ext. 13.

Making Summer Camps Safe for Children

Although summer camps are usually seen as places of fun and relaxation for children, information about sexual assaults in summer camps is prompting consideration of a new protective bill in the Massachusetts legislature. Dr Richard Rice of Northampton, who has been spearheading this campaign, has gathered data about dozens of child sexual assaults at summer camps in Massachusetts. On the basis of this information a bill was filed by Representative Ellen Story of Amherst to move the oversight of summer camps from the 3 -person Division of Community Sanitation (DCS) to the 173person Office for Children (OFC).

Although Bill4259 was supported by hundreds of letters and personal stories from parents across the state, the camp industry opposed it , warning that increased costs would close them down . Instead , the DCS amended its regulati ons

to require CORI (crimi na l record ) checks on some camp staff.

Dr. Rice believes this is not enough.

"Last summer less t han half the camps in Massachusetts di d any CO R! che cks , and even those were not reqm red to checkkitchen or maintenanc e sta ff ," h e says . "Since neither DCS nor t he Department of Social Services ke eps records of children raped in camps , h ow will we know if the new DCS regu lauons are working or n ot?" To demonstrate the n eed fo r stncter summer camp regulation , Rice is now once again collecting data. If you are aware of any children who have been sexually moleste d i n a Massachusetts camp or if you are willing to assis t in gathenng t h is mformation , p le ase contact Dr Rice at (413 ) 586-6866 .

Who Are the Abuse rs?

Extensive dat a about child sexual abuse perpetrators have been co llected over the past four years by Stop It Now. Based m western Massachusetts , Stop It Now's mission I S to call on all abusers and potential abusers to stop an d seek h elp, to educate adul ts about the ways to stop sexual abuse , and to mcrease public awareness of the t rauma of child sexual abuse Stop It Now 's new rep ort , Wh o Are

the Abusers, soon to be published by the Centers for Disease Control, will describe the responses of 1,034 abuse survivors gathered through mailed surveys and a web site .

The large majority- 83 percent- of the perpetrators were people who were immediate family or close to the family (s uch as close friends or babysitters). Thirty-six percent were fathers or stepfathers. Five percent were mothers. Ten percent were brothers . Of the total , four (0.4 percent ) were identified as camp counselors. Ninety-one percent of the perpetrators were male Nine percent were female. Fourteen percent of the survivors identified as male. Eighty six percent i dentified as female

"Becau se of the anonymity of our survey methods this is the first time, as far as we know, that data have been collected about people who are perpetrators who have not already been reported," said Fran Henry, executive director of Stop It Now. "Since we know that 90 percent of all abuse is not reported, this new information will help u s get a better picture of the problem ."

Looking to Try the MRC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON

Fo r more information contact Stop I t Now! at PO. Box 495, Haydenville, MA 01039. (413) 268-3096 Helpline : 1-888PREVENI IN AMHERST

Open to all men.

Every Sunday evening at the MRC , 7-9 PM Doors close at 7: 05. Please be prompt

Every Friday evening at the MRC , 7-8 :30 PM . FREE-FACILITATED-CONFIDENTIAL 236 NORTH PLEASANT STREET, AMHERST ' (413) 253-9887

Every Tuesday at HCAC , 218 State St. , 7-9 PM . Doo rs close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

School Boys and the Killing Fields

How the National Conversation About Littleton Has Missed the Mark

Th e events at Columbine High School have p lunged us into a nation al conversati on about "youth viol ence " and how t o stop it. Pro p osa ls cam e las t week from all Ov al Office , Congress, living ro oms ac r oss America . That we are talking ab out the problem is good ; but the way we are talking about it is misdirected

It is te mp tin g t o look at the murderou s atta ck in Littleton as a manifestation of individu al pathologies, an isolated incident involving deeply disturbed teen age rs who w atched one too many VI de o game Tha t explanation ignores larger soc ial and historical forces, and is d an ger ousl y shortsighted Littleton is an extreme cas e , but if we examine critically the cult ural enviro nment in which boys are b eing soc ializ ed and trained to beco m e men , such events might not appea r so su rpri sing

Political debate and media coverage ' keep rep eating the muddled thinking of the p ast. Headlines and stories focus .on youth vi olence , "kids killing kids," or as in the title of a CBS 48 Hours special, "Young Guns ." This is entirely the wrong framewo rk t o use in tryi ng t o understand w hat h app ene d in Li ttleton-or in j onesb oro, Ark. , Paducah , Ky., Pearl, Mi ss. , or Springfield , Ore

Th is is n ot a case of kids killing kids . This is b oys killing boys and boys killing girls

What these school sho otings reveal is n o t a cris is in youth culture but a crisis in masculinity. The shootings-all by white ad olescent males-are telling us something about how we are doing as a so cie ty, much like the canaries in coal mmes , whose deaths were a warning to · the miners tha t the caves were unsafe

Consider what the reaction would have been if the perpetrators in Littleton · had be en girls The first thing everyone would have wa nted to talk about would h ave be en : Why are girls-not kidsacting out violently? What is going on in the lives of girl s that would lead them to commit such atrocities ? All of the expla -

nations would follow from the basic premise that being female was the dominant variable

But when the perpetrators are boys, we talk in a gender-neutral way about kids or children , and few (with the exception of some feminist scholars) delve into the forces-be they cultural,

historical, or institutional-that produce hundreds of thousands of physically abusive and violent boys every year. Instead, we call upon the same tired specialists who harp about the easy accessibility of guns , the lack of parental supervision, the culture of peer-group exclusion and teasing, or the prevalence of media violence .

All of these factors are of course relevant, but if they were the primary answers , then why are girls , who live in the same environment, not responding in the same way? The fact that violencewhether of the spectacular kind represented in the school shootings or the more routine murder, assault , and rape-is an overwhelmingly male phenomenon should indicate to us that gender is a vital factor, perhaps the vital factor

Looking at violence as gender-neutral has the effect of blinding us as we desperately search for clues about how to respond .

The issue is not just violence in the media but the construction of violent

masculinity as a cultural norm . From rock and rap music and videos , Hollywood action films , professional and college sports, the culture produces a stream of images of violent , abusive men and promotes characteristics such as dominance , power, and control as means of establishing or maintaining manhood

Consider professional wrestling , with its mixing of sports and entertainment and its glamorization of the culture of dominance . It represents, in a microcosm, the broader cultural environment in which boys mature . Some of the core values of the wrestling subculturedominant displays of power and control, ridicule of lesser opponents , respect equated with physical fear and deference-are factors in the social system of Columbine High , where the shooters were ridiculed , marginalized, harassed , and bullied

These same values infuse the Hollywood action-adventure genre that is so popular with boys and young men In numerous films starring iconic hypermasculine figures like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Wesley Snipes , Bruce Willis, and Mel Gibson, the cartoonish story lines convey the message that masculine power is embodied in muscle , firepower , and physical authority.

Numerous other media targeting boys convey similar themes. Thrash metal and gangsta rap, both popular among suburban white males , often expres s boys' angst and anger at personal problems and social injustice, with a call .to violence to redress the grievances . The male sports culture features regular displays of dominance and one - upsmanship, as when a basketball player dunks "in your face, " or a defensive end sacks a quarterback , lingers over his fallen adversary, and then , in a scene reminiscent of ancient Rome , struts around to a stadium full of cheering fans .

How do you respond if you are being victimized by this dominant system of masculinity? The lessons from

Seven Things We Can Do To Avoid Another Littleton

In my role as co ordinator of the Mentor/Advocates for Respect and Safety (MARS) program , I work with many young people from middle school age to college age. I interact a lot with the "adult" world, too-teachers, school administrators, and parents My own reactions to the violence at · Columbine High have been influenced and colored by what I have heard from the young people and the school systems I interact with as well as the community as a whole . At times I have felt hopeful and encouraged by what I have seen and heard ; at others I have felt hopeless and incredulous at the lack of acknowledgment-and even the denial-of this incident and others within our own community. There is a lot of misunderstanding and mistrus t between the world of youth and the world of adults . There are many misconceptions, and a lack of real communication.

So what is to be done? The following list is just a beginning ; it arises out of some of my frustrations in working in this field and in light of the terrible events at Columbine High School. It is far from exhaustive, but I hope its a constructive start .

Education Reform-Let's Get Personal Education should include more about the personal. Teachers are pushed to pack a certain amount of curriculum into a limited amount of time. What is left out is time for the students to digest and relate the material to themselves The personal also includes more time to let students talk about pertinent events · in their lives It is one thing for students to be given facts about drug abuse and another for them to be able to talk openly and nonjudgmentally about drugs in their own lives . Doing so can allow real learning to occur

Education Reform-Educate the Educators

There are many great teachers out there who understand the issues young people face and are able to speak about them in their classrooms. But many are not able to facilitate discuss ions about

such topics as drug abuse, violence , sexual harassment-things going on right in the schools Part of education reform must include training teachers to deal with these topics in their classes-to at least be able to address an issue if it shows up . lt is also important that teachers deal with these issues on their own I have heard too many stories about teachers who make inappropriate sexual innuendos or who bully students It is one thing to talk about nonviolence and nonharassment , and another to model these behaviors

Education Reform-Educate

Everyone

This should be obvious We need to provide more anti-violence education in our schools and throughout our communities . Educate everyone : young people, parents, teachers, school administrators, your neighbors

Don't Succumb to Denial

I know of a school principal who told an educator not to use the word "sex" in a presentation on relationship violence Why? The principal explained, "because my students don't have sex." This is either denial or ignorance. Some local school systems didn 't come up with any school-wide response to the massacre in Colorado This amazed me, because I know that many parents have talked about feeling some fear in sending their children to school. I'm sure many teachers must wonder about their own safety in school. And, of course , young people are confused , scared , and truly want to discuss the impact of this on their lives . Several area schools developed responses

to the Colorado incident, but how could so many have chosen to ignore it?

Offer Young People Things to Do

A lot of young people don't have anything to do after school. Their parents aren 't home, and unless they are athletic or academic , they don 't have anyplace to go . Let's create programs in the community that will give young people things to do that interest them-art classes , skateboarding parks , etc . And lets support true youth centers that young people create and run Also , young people need jobs-and not just minimum wage , boring "grunt" jobs ; there aren 't many employers willing to even hire anyone under the age of 18 . Many adults believe that young people are irresponsible and not committed Would you be committed to a job where you were only told what to do , where it was boring and/or demeaning , and where you only received minimum wage?

Listen to Young People

I heard from a lot of teens that some teachers and parents did talk to them about the incident in Colorado, but in most cases it was either an adult telling them what was wrong with young people or adults asking them, "Why are young people so violent? " Adults, understandably, have felt overwhelmed by this

on page 18

Love Makes a Family

THE COOPER FAMILY

"There are forces out there that are opposed to gay rights and to the very concept of gays adopting The battle lines are drawn, and I see ourselves as soldiers fight ing that battle I'm sure if the American people were educated by looking at all the facts , they could put aside the stereotypes and see what gay families are really like ."

-]on Cooper

"It 's very important for people to understand that love makes a family. Without love , there 's no family. Gay families do the same thing straight families dowhich is to love Gay parents have the same power of love as anyone else ."

-Rob Cooper

THE WATSON/HUTCHINS FAMILY

"I think its important that people know that being a gay parent is no different than being a parent in a traditional family We have the same feeling of love for our children, the same feeling of sadness when our children have problems, and the same feeling of pride when our children do well. "

-Ken Watson

Photos by Gigi Kaeser

Portraits of Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexua l Families

"I hope my children grow up to be open-minded and accepting of everybody. I don't want judgmental kids. I don't care whether somebody is gay or of a different color or a different religion or has a handicap ; I just don't want my kids judging anyone for those reasons I want them to only care about who people are inside ."

-Lisa Watson

"Kids in my old school teased me because they didn 't know the full definition of ' gay.' I don't really blame them because they didn't really know what ' gay' means. I hope someday that kids will look at it in a different way. "

-Ashley Watson

WINCHESTER/GAFFORD FAMILY

"I was teased a lot when I was kid . but not be ca us e anyo n e assumed I was gay. Kids can be quite cruel towards other kids . When you look at the overall problems kids face, the gay issue isn't going to be that mu ch larger than the others our kids will prob ably face The problems we face as a family are more typical of t he problems any heterosexual family faces l thmk our child r en have some

Vo1ce Male

definite advantages growing up in a gay fa mily. Our kids are being raised to love people for who they are and not for who they love "

-Durwood Gafford

"In our family, we don't tolerate jokes or negative statements about people of other races or other backgrounds. We . don't allow the kids to do any namecalling. We know how much it can hurt. "

-Leonard

Winchester

THE EL SASSER/ROBINSON FAMILY

"If you want a child , you have to accept the fact that you're going to be out. Children bring you out. They tell their friends, classmates, te ac hers , doctors and the cashier at the supermarket. They tell everyone, 'I have two daddies.' You don't want to tell your child that they have to hide or be silent, because you don't want your child to be ashamed."

-Michael Elsasser

"I always draw parallels between my experience growing up in the fifties and sixties as an African -American, and being gay in America in the nineties The most important thing is for every gay person in this country to come out. Straight people would be really shocked to see how many of us there are, and where we are We are their neighbors ."

-Doug Robinson

For more information about Family Diversity Projects, contact them at PO. Box 1209, Amherst, Mass. 01004 , (413) 2560502 E-mail: famphoto@aol.com

By Michael

Laughter and Tears on Monday Night

An observer passing by the large group room at the Men's Resource Center at nine o' clock on a Monday night would notice a gathering of 6 to 15 men · engaged in a group hug. I fear that from the observer's vantage point, this might look more like the "Da nce of the Hours" from Disney's Fantasia; so me of us are rather bro ad of beam (like the hippos) , others slender and sleek (like the alligators) (No ne of us , I hasten to add, resembles the ostriches ) We differ in many other ways as well . There is often a 50-year age span among participants, and we are together for many different reaso ns We bring anxiety, hope , nervousness, bravado, · lonelmess , humor, crisis , and love with us We are the Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered and Questioning Drop-In Group.

Try saying that fast five times . I myself would much prefer just to call it the Queer and Curi ous Drop-In Group ; for me, "queer " embraces all whose sexuality does not fit neatly mto the official version of sex an d gender. A t ypical Monday evening d iscussion would reveal that participants differ from one another as much as we , as a group, differ from that official version Our differences are pre cious to us ; they enri ch our friendships and t hey allow us to be sensitive and responsive to n ew members , whether queer or curious , who frequ entl y join us

But I get ahead o f myself The Monday night drop-in group was begun b y the Meri 's Resource Center to join the Sund ay night group (for all men ) and the Fnday night group (fo r survivors of childhood abuse) as sa fe havens for men to share issues , to give and r eceive support. There had been a perception among some m the community that the MRC was basically for straight men , and even t hou gh this was never really the case , it was important to everyone that this percept ion be corrected.

The Monday night group shares a basic structure with the other drop-in groups It begins with a few minutes of quiet, for meditation and for centering . A

"check-in" allows participants to introduce themselves with first names, talk a little bit about their week, mention any issues that they would like to discuss later in the evening. The discussion , facilitated by one or two trained members, addresses these issues, and others, which come up in the course of the discussion. As the clock nears the end of the session, a "c heck-out " allows a final opportunity for members to speak. Or not. It is always OK to "pass. " And then the unique, fabulous Monday night hug Cit is always OK to pass that up, too .)

Although it is a drop -in group, a bunch of men have become regulars because we enjoy one another!> company The regulars include gay men and bisexuals , men in committed relationships and others seeking relationships. Some are or have been married Most of the regulars are "out," although not necessarily to everyone who matters to them.

For some regulars , the group provides an important social outlet, supportive and safe . Fo r .others , the group is a step in dealing with personal cri se s, sometimes related to sexuality but sometimes not. Some use the group as part of their healing process after the loss of a beloved pa rtner Laughter and tears are themselves common partners on Monday nights.

Over time, some of us have come t o know one another, our issues and our idiosyncrasies , pretty well . This is wonderful, but it is also a problem It is , after all , a drop-in group There is a risk that a new person may feel that he has stepped into a club of which he is n o t a member We talk about this from time to time Are we in danger of becoming a closed group? Would we like to? Can we carry off the challenge of being regulars in a drop-in group?

Whenever we disc uss this , we reaffirm our commitment to the drop-in format and we reemphasize our desire to welcome newcomers, especially questioning men. All o f us remember, and some of us still experience, the loneliness of being queer. We realize that both hiding and coming out take courage and

energy. We want to affirm the dignity and worth of all who wonder ab out their own sexuality and to support them in the journey of discovery that wonder initiates . We realize that entering the large group ro om for the first time on a Mon da y night can b e awful/wonderful, important/impossible, bre a tht aking/ nerve-wracking We want to be sure that , two hours later, newcomers leave as friends . Some may not return ; others may become regulars

It is a good, strong group. We are human service providers, artists, clerks, teachers , merchants , craftsmen, r etired and unemployed. It doesn 't matter. Some of us have postgraduate degrees , others have not made it through high school. I t doesn 't matter. Some of us are well over 60 ; others have not yet turned 20. It doesn 't matter. Most of us are men , bu t we have had transgendered memb ers who identify as female.

The generosity of the Monday ni ght group seems limitless. Some come in great pain, others in prolonged depression, still others in great confusion. For many, the Monday night group is the only place they have to talk about pain and confusion , kn owing that there will be support and kindness in return . We are especially sensitive to the special problems of older and younger queer and curious men Men questioning their own sexuality find others who have b een there , done that. We r emi nd ourselves that we are not therapists, but that , through sharing our own experiences , we can offer something important to those who imagine that they are alon e.

Some Monday nights , though , we seem to bring nothing but the joy of being together We ca n laugh about movies, TV shows , books. We tell jokes. We share our autobiographies , which once seemed unique but now reson ate remarkably among us At such m oment s we relish the final hug , which seems to be a physical manifestation of our on eness .

I keep returning o n Monday nights because I feel both honored and humbled to be a member of the group Listening t o the stories of my friends and those of newcomers, I feel· that I am in the company of heroes, of people wh ose continued on page 18

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We n we h ear the word myth " we picture the rand epic-clashes of gods and t itans , fa ntastic tales o f magic and mons ters "Story" evo kes images o f tellers ca pturin g the imagination of their listeners, weaving intric ate tales of adventure a nd m ystery. In fact, tho ugh , most of th e myths and sto ries by which we live are of a different sort.

These days, we don 't sit around listening to o ur elders t ell stories about gods and goddesses or knights and dragons. But we co nstantly tell ourselves and eac h other that the worl d is a certa in way, that th1s perso n bel ongs to that group , that this concept is right or wrong , that our labels for t hmgs represent so me absolute reality. The s e don 't feel like stones to us , ju s t the way things a re , unqu es tioned assumptions or beliefs that we 're certain are tru e . The stories co me from parents and pe ers , media , teac hers, stran ge rs They come in the for m of cas ual conversatio n , child ren's games and fant asy play, teasing , ta unts. TV and movies , advertis ing , newspap er he adlines , p arents ' behavior, po pula r s ongs : anyt hing , any time , anyw here . Th ey are co ntained m a gest ure here , an ex p ression there , a word or two at some unnoticed moment.

Our European -American myths tell u s that we are distinct , independent individuals , that "so ciety '' is someth ing outside us . even oppose d to our indivi duality. And t hey equate strength , v mue , courage, et c. , with ma mtammg that individuality. There are other cultures whose s tories e mphasize community and everyone's role m the commu mty In some of these , peopl e , anima ls , plants, and rocks have equa l stature in the o rder of thmgs . Where some peo ples co me to see sirnilanties and equality among beings , in our cult ure we often learn t o see differe nces and hierarchies

Gende r is an especia lly ripe area fo r seemg difference After a ll, male and

female appear so obviously and n atura lly di cho to mous Our "p lumbing" is so clearly opposite and complementary. It seems such a small and logical step to say that p ersonality, character, and behavior are e qually dualistic . And our experience seems to support the notion t h at males and females are inherently differen t: it just seems so natural, so real. We Westerners are so accustomed to experiencing the world in either/or terms that it never occurs to us that the differences we see so clearly might just be one way of viewing the world . The fact that other cu ltures may th ink of gender in dramatica lly different ways from ours doesn 't usually enter our consciousness; we continue to act as if the gender identities we notice and practice are intrinsic to our bodies, our horm ones, our essences

And as we treat these stories about ge nder differen ces as real, they have very real consequences The doctrine of biology is destiny ha s been used to imprison women in seco nd-class status for centuries, but also has consigned men to the role of soldier, fo r example , and has biased co urts against divorced fathers in cust o dy disputes Every time someone tries to show this or that supposedly inherent trait in men or women, the other ge nd er is devalued for the absence of that t rait. Don U nger's commentary in the last issu e of Voice Male ["Turning the (Ch anging) Tables," Spring 1999] pointed up the disparity between the words "mothering " (nurturing) and "fatheri n g" (inse minating). I think of the times I've he ard adults s ay of a physically active boy tha t h e is so very much a boy. Rarely if ever have I heard such a comment about a pensi ve, quiet boy, o r a gentle, caring boy, even whe n such c h a racteristics are respected . Is he any less of a boy when he ex h ibi ts those tra its?

I once h ea rd a participant at a confere n ce of women business owners ta lk about h o w women were naturally more n ur turing than men and therefore h ad better relationships with their employees . At the time , I was working very h ard to

create a humane working environment in the office I manage d , and in one simplistic statement this woman see med to dismiss everything I was trying to do . To hear her tell it, I couldn 't hope to succeed in humanizing m y workplace be cause I was the wrong sex.

I am father to a daughte r, and her mother and I have rais ed her to understand that there are no limits to what s h e can choose to do in her life based on h er gender. (I 've always sa id I hope she never joins the milita ry, but that 's b ecause I'm a pacifist!) I want the same thing for myself as I want for her : to be reco gnized for the strengths (and weaknesse s) I have, without labeling them mas c ulin e o r feminine.

Constructing an o pposite story-that human character is infinitely malleablehas its pitfalls as we lL We do co me into the world with certain predispositions , most of them individual, inherited traits But it is not unreasonable to say that , like all species , we have an evolutionary h is t ory that includes natural selection for different capabilities . Some o f th ose capabilities were almost certain ly differentially favored in men o r women , such as averag e size and upper-bod y stre n g th, and po ss ibly some pre cursors of behavioral characteristics Whether sex differences are biological or social in o rigin , it 's clear th at some of them are deeply ingrained Absolute insistence on the story that all gender difference is socially constructedand therefore socially changeable-can lead to feelings o f s hame and guilt if one is not sufficiently elastic in o ne's gender identity. When my daughter at three or four wanted to dress up frilly things and p lay house , I was n o t obliged to insist that she wear denim coveralls and play with trucks. When a friend's son at five loves to play ball or to duel with swords, she needn 't feel guilty that he isn't cuddling a dolL If a broader picture of gender identity is going to arise in our children, it won 't come about because we force them to abandon a sense of self that works for the m , but becau se they feel secure en ough in that selfhood to enlarge it.

The world o f se x and sexual identity is full of nuance and seeming contradiction. Apparent opposites coexist happily (or unhappily) in societies and within

continued on page 21

The Sword and the Sh ie ld

Like many men today, I find myself at times trying consciously to live my life in a new way, sloughing off old patterns I learned as a child. But often it's hard for me to know in what direction this "new way" leads ; the dark wood of error Dante wrote of (describing his own midlife crisis?) is not always distinguishable from the path upward , into the light.

It 's in my role as a father that I feel the tension between old and new ways at its most acute I have a four-year-old boy and an eight-year-old girl , and every day I seem t o be striving to do something tha t is impossible, or at least paradoxical : to treat both children the same, and yet to respect their obvious differences .

In our eight years of parenthood , my wife and I have worked hard not to impose more traditional gender expectations on our kids. Nonetheless, despite our earnest efforts, as their personalities have developed , their chosen pursuits have fallen into some "typical" patterns Emma has little interest in sports or physical games, loves Barbies and china dolls, and favors books featuring wholesome young-girl protagonists Isaac plays with cars , trucks, trains, and other vehicles , is always ready to roughhouse, and lately carries a "sword " wherever he goes, brandishing it expertly to the accompaniment of the requisi te Zorro-like slashing sounds. This isn't quite the way we imagined it when we embarked on the Great Gender-Neutral Parenting Enterprise

So have we failed already? Should we be worried? I' m not thrilled about the Barb1es , for all the usual reasons-their inhuman dimensions, their emphasis on looks and being "pretty"-but Emma:S friends have them (peer pressure having long since raised its ugly head) and the doll play seems natural and relatively innocuous as far as it goes. As to the swordplay, I'd like to say the same

t hing, but it seems to raise issues-

men who slal!ightered their classmates, a about boys, about the teacher, and themselves in Littleton , Barbies don 't (though clearly the issues Colorado , come to mind, and make me Barbies raise are no less queasy. According to serious in the lives of reports , they hated athgirls) letes and minorities,

Isaac's "sword" is were obsessed with the self-constructed , out of Nazis, dressed like Legos or Tinkertoys , "Goths" in dark clothes and we ' re. not about to . and trenchcoats, and buy him a toy sword, somehow got their much less a gun We've hands on an enormous set limits on swordplay amount of firepower. indoors , such as "no They had plans for waving it in anyone's even larger, more face and no poking or hideous acts of viapointing at anyone 's len ce, and all the body," and so far as I while , their parents am aware Isaac has evidently noticed only never hurt his sister or Isaac

Burke , 4, the author 's son. a "slight tension " in anyone else with it. Mainly he likes to their sons; nothing too unusual. just carry it about and make the appro- Am I off-base to connect this, even priate sound effects. tenuously, to my four-year-old's fascina-

I believe in the limits and occasional tion with sword-thrusts and explosions, stem injunctions we've imposed , yet I which he may well have inherited from brood with guilty pleasure on all the my own treacherous genes7 I hope so. I mock fighting and war games my know that we monitor , as much as we friends and I played as boys I can can, everything he takes in from the vividly recall marching alone through a world around him, and we keep tabs on stand of trees cradling a rifle-shaped what he puts back out. The news that stick, alert for "t he enemy." I remember he threw leaves at another child in his crouching with my friend Danny under preschool is sufficient to send me into a a large cedar, hiding out as we fought frenzy of finger-wagging and somber the Vietnam War. (Our re-creatio n of lecturing events took on a rather skewed, And in truth the sword-posturing is Finne.&ans Wake-like quality, as we didn 't just one part of Isaac:S persona . He likes know whose side we were supposed to to play "dress-up " when Emma 's friends be on or what we were fighting for ; come over, and even wears Emma's turns out many adults were in the same cast-off dresses to bed (his favorite is a quandary ) Recently, watching the purple one with flowers) Recently he movie Toy Story, I was reminded of how chose a pink toothbrush over several I and other boys used to play with our other colors , and when he:S not packing squads of little green "army men ," bury- Excalibur, he's as likely to be carrying ing them in avalanches and explosions, around "blue blankie," along with his chewing on their plastic limbs until other talismans , a small green alligator they were gnarled and disfigured, and named "Aunt Heathie," after his favorite drowning them in "lakes" we dug out of aunt who gave it to him, and the the ground and filled with tapwater diminutive orange dragon Mushu from Seemed harmless at the time, but Mulan, a movie featuring a wholesome, was it? Thou ghts of the alienated young continued on page 22

"Zorro"

• Do You Want Generation Boys?

• Are you an . .. Support :: ., ·

If you answered yes to these questions then you are a natural to become a member of the Men's Resource Center.

For $25 a year ($40 for families ; $18 for students and those on limited incomes) you can become part of a dynamic organization that has as its credo-Supporting MenChalleng ing Violence.

Notes from Survivors -------By

Steven jacobsen

A Survivor's Recovery Story Going Home from the Hospital

Chang e your mind change the world

- Charles Potts

As a male su rvivor o f abuse , including chronic sexual abu se and rape extending over a perio d of l4 years , I have a vested interest not only in changing my life for the better, but in literally changing the wo rld .

I am not just a survivor o f sexual abuse , but a survivor of what can only accurately be called torture Both carry significant , even profoundly damaging , features into my life to this day : for instance , I wanted to attend an Easter service in church with a woman (also a ; urvivor) for various reasons that might have been quite important and revelatory for me Now, that 's a fairly s imple desire to you , per haps. But to me it was u n p re cedented and almost impossible , · and in fact it did not occur One reason it could not occur is that when I was four I was awakened on Easter morning by m y father, poking his head inside the doorway to my bedroom . My father was a very handsome man in a cowboy kind of way, and virtually everybqdy who ever knew him describes him as having been quite intelligent and charming

"Get up , quick!" my dad said to me. "The Easter Bunny$ come , and left all the candies and eggs for you! Quick! jump out of bed right now !"

Well , being a four-year-old and still believing in things like the Easter Bunny and being very excited and happy about hunting for eggs , I did just that-I jumped out of bed

And I landed on a floor that had been covered with thumbtacks by m y dad. My feet slammed hard on the floor and were impaled by dozens of tacks , and I screamed and jumped back into bed, holding my feet into the air, crying "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." Then I started pulling the thumbtacks out of the soles of my feet , watching the blood drip down between my toes .

Daddy was still in the doorway to my room Daddy was bent over, laughing and laughing and laughing

"Happy Easter," he giggled

When my father died some thirty-odd years later, I experienced what is commonly called a nervous breakdown . For three years I struggled against all o f the pain, every-instant depressi o n , the lost days, the ind escribable fog that wrapped itself around me constantly. But I figured I was not only a man, but a really tough man. I'd wait this episode of sadness and pain and craziness out, and I'd win Because I knew just h ow strong I was , and I'd always won before.

But I wasn 't strong enough . No one is . So after three years of not understanding why it was suddenly Aprill995, when my last memory was stuck in a Sunday of 1956 , I took my then-wife's suggestion: I went and got some help

Her name was Margaret Gosselin She was a therapist . To be completely honest, I only went to see her to get my wife off my back. My wife had this odd problem with me, just like I had this odd problem with her-I'd wake up in the morning and she 'd be furious with me . She 'd often say things like "How could you say something like that? " or "How could you do something like that?" I had no idea what she was talking about, and I'd ask her something cogent like "Like what? " And she 'd answer as best she could.

"Last night you looked at me , and I swear to God you didn 't see me. You saw som eo ne else. Then you took all your clothes off and went into the closet and curled up into a ball , crying like a baby. When I tried to touch you, your whole body convulsed and you screamed "And then you jumped up and scared the shit out of me. You ran to the bathroom and got a razor and cut yourself, and I was shouting , 'No! No! No! ' And then you ran back to the bedroom and said , 'I'm gonna throw myself out of the window! ' And then I tried to stop you , whoever you were , and then you looked at me and said , ' Out of m y way, bitch , or I'll throw your worthless ass out of the window, too .' "What is happening to you, you bastard!" my wife would say. I'd answer, "You're lying! None of that happened! Are you crazy?"

Male Survivors Speak Their Truth

survivor to speak and be heard, one of the weaknesses of this book is that ultimately, it is litt le more than an anthology of horror stories-all with their particular variances, certainly. But the sheer conformity of these tales and comments by the men underscores bleakness rather than h ope , and inertia rather than growth. It rapidly becomes difficult to hear each individual man 's voice, because of the uniform blur of their stories.

As an introduction to the horrors that male survivors of childhood sexual abuse have endured , Neal King's Speaking Our Truth succeeds meritoriously. Similar m format to the remarkable Multiple Personality Disorder from the Inside Our (Ba r ry Cohen , Esther Giller, and Lynn W, editors) from Sidran Press, Speaking Our Truth is a short compilation of brief comments, stories, drawings. and poems from more than three dozen men The reader is given a good feel for how banal and widespread such deforming histories are , and the book · underscores the truth of how such trauma carries with it a very long shelf life Somewhat couched within a neo-jungian framework , the book invokes, but never fully explicates, a theory of ab use/survival hinging upon notio n s of spirit, soul, and shadow

King wisely informs his readers at the beginning that "this is disturbin g material to read get some he lp to u nderstand and integrate what yo u 've read." Th at sort of candid responsibility is always welcome and refreshing.

As its ti tle suggests , one of the major suppositions of this book is th at "healing ... begins with speaking our tru th." But the power and value of shattering silence carries with it an equally powerful and necessary consequen t- we, as survivors, need you to bear witness with us. Speakin g is relatively useless if no ones listenin g: and I wish that listening and hearing were both more conspicuous words in th is book.

While it is vi tal to any m an wishing to transfo rm h ims elf from a vic tim into a

The focus seems to me to be lamentab ly backward , rather than forward There is very little in these snippets of experience that is not fixated on the past; there is not nearly enough here that says "I have this problem now, in the present, because of that in my past. " King's interspliced moderator's notations-where he makes suggestions as to "what we can do about it," or "understand it"-while spiritually sound, are nonetheless so relentlessly vague that they provide little or no help in getting a survivor from point A to point B. For instance, in one of the final chapters, "Beginning Recovery," Ki n g says , "There's no one road to recovery. Travel on any road takes great courage. We each need to start out on the road that's right for us. " But how is it that anyone can figure out what is the "right" road, for us or anyone else?

By con t rast, when male survivors get together, we quite quickly relearn how to focus on the present, for the express purpose of discovering and developing ways we·can feel better, and live more successfully, in the future A predicate to this is reclaiming, understanding, sharing, and honoring our own past horror stories- all of which prepares us for change So Bob may say he 's had extreme difficulties sleeping in his life; at which point Pete might say "Me, too. Then I noticed that when I turned the vacuum cleaner on, it helped put me to sleep." Another man then mentions that he turns the tap water on to lull him to sleep. An d on it goes, until finally the men collectively recognize that the commo n thread between our home remedies is t h at they all involve forms of white

noise . Which means that the next time either Bob or Pete meets another survivor, they have u seful information to pass on : droning sounds may help your sleep.

By definition any survivor is a very resourceful person; you get a room full of them together, and they'll quickly get to the task of identifying good roads, bad roads, roads with potholes, etc. We have innate talents for mapmaking , and we should take great pride in that ability.

Speaking Our Truth is a valuable primer on what typically happens to ma le survivors of childhood sexual abuse and, to a lesser degree, on how our past injuries continue to damage us in the present. But I'm still waiting for a "Survivor's Cookbook," chock full of nuts-and-bolts tips that have worked for others, and so might work, also , for me and you- in the present and the future.

Steven jacobsen is community outreach coordinator at the MRC and a founding facilitator of the MRC support group for male survivors of childhood abuse

continued from page 9

Seven Things We Can Do

incident Turning to young people to answer your questions is fine , as long as there is room for young people to be able to turn to adults t o speak about t heir fear, their lack of answers . Sometimes I get the feeling that many adults are afraid to truly talk to and listen to young people because they don't communicate "like adults do ." Young people are intelligent. They are creative, growing human beings trying to figure ou t how the world works , often with little guidance. What may appear to be chaotic and incons istent behavior is act ually the work of energetic , active minds trying to figure out their place in the world . nemember, You May Have Had to Walk Fifteen Miles in the Snow Uphill to Get to School , But Kids Today Have It Harder

When I was in school , my biggest fear was that the bully wou ld beat me up after school, and when it came to sex, there was pretty much more ta lk than action Today, young people have to wo rry ab out the possibility tha t the bully might pull a knife or a gun on them, an d

sex in the age of AIDS/HN can also be a life-or-death proposi tion. Young people today have to d eal with weighty, adult topics at a very young age Further, there is an overall lack of true mentoring happening, whether from parents, teachers, or any adult in young people's lives. I believe this is most notable in young men. Fathers , male adults in their lives, and healthy role models are largely absent. How else is a young male supposed to figure out how a man should be? Action films and television stereotypes seem to be the main model.

It is important for me to add that, as an adult, I myself am continually challenged by the implications of the items on this list. Following these suggestions is n 't necessarily going to stop incidents like the one in Colorado from happening in the near future, but what it can do is work to reduce the chances of more you th vio lence occurring in the long run. And if it does, we won't find ourselves asking once again, "What is wrong with young people today, and why are the y doing this?"

In addition to his work with the MARS program, Russell Bradbury-Carlin is codirector of the Men's Resource Center's Men Ove rcoming Violence (MOVE) program.

continued from page 12

Laughter and Tears

bravery and compassion define and underscore what is best about human beings But I am also in the presence of men who are not afraid to be gentle, loving and caring.

We welcome men who drop in to find out what the group is like or what they are like Everything we talk about is confidential and stays within the group. Coming once is just as appropriate as becoming a regular member. Newcomers can talk when they are ready to do so, and no pressure is exerted on them to talk before then We get to know each other on a first-name-only basis. Many of us will "be there this coming Monday night; if it sounds right for you, please join us

Michael Greenebaum is a volunteer facilitator for the MRC Gay, Bisexual , Transgendered and Questioning Group.

continued from page 8

The Killing Fields

Columbine High-a t ypical suburban "jockocracy," where the dominant male athletes did not hide their disdain for those who did not fit in-are pretty clear The 17- and 18-year-old shooters , tired of being ridiculed or marginalized, weren't big and strong and so they used the great equalizer : weapons. Any discussion about guns in our society needs to include a discussion of theu function as equalizers . In Littleton , the availability of weapons gave t he shooters the opportumty to exact a twisted and tragic revenge : 15 dead, mcluding themselves , and 23 wou nd ed

What this case reinforces is our crying need for a national conversation about what i t means to be a man , since cultural definitions o f manhood and masculimty are ever-sh1ftmg and are particularl y vol atil e m t he c ontemporary era

Such a discussion must examine the mass media in which boys (and girls) are immersed, including violent, interactive video games, but also mass media as part of a large r cultural environment t hat helps to shape the masculine identities of young boys in ways th at equate strength in males with power and the abihty to instill fear- fear in other males as well as m females

But the way in which we neuter these discussions makes it hard to frame such questions, for there is a wrong way and a right way of asking them The wrong way- "Did the media (vide o games , Marilyn Manson , Th e Basketball Diaries) make t hem do it?'' One of the few things t hat we know for certain aft er 50 years of sustamed research on t hese iss u es is t hat b ehavi or is to o complex a phenomenon t o pm d own to exposure to individual and Isolated media messages The evi d ence strongly supports th a t behavior is linked to attitudes and attitudes are formed in a much more complex cultural environment.

The nght way to ask the question is : "How does the cultural environment, including medi a images, contribute to definitio ns of manhood that are picked up by adolescents?" Or, "How does repeated exposure to violent masculinity normalize and naturalize this violence? " There may indeed be no simple

explanation as to why certain boys in particular circumstances act out in violent , sometimes lethal, ways. But leaving 1 aside the specifics of this latest case, the fact that the overwhelming majority of such violence is perpetrated by males suggests that part of the answer lies in how we define such intertwined concepts as "respect, " "power," and "manhood " When you add on the easy accessibility of guns and other weapons, you have all the ingredients for the next deadly attack.

jackson Katz wrote , and Sut ]hally directed, the soon-to-be-released film Tou gh Guise: Violence , Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity. Katz is a writer and lecturer on men 's issues who lives in the Boston area. ]hally is a professor of communication s at the University of Massachusetts, Amh erst. This story originally appeared in th e Boston Gl obe "Focus" se ction on May 2 , 1999, and is used here by permission of th e authors and the Globe Newspaper Company. Copyright© 1999 by The Boston Globe.

Take This Quiz:

If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem with abuse At Men Overcoming Violence, we can help you evalua te your situati on. Call us to sc h edule a confidential appointment wit h one of our trained staff. We can help

ntinued from page 16

Going Home from the Hospital

And those were our mornings

And Margaret Gosselin began receiving strange phone calls from my house So me of the people who ca lled her from my hbuse were four years old So me of them were 16. Some o f them were 46 . Some were men . So me we,re gi rls They all h ad different names

And all the calls came from my house

One call she receive d from my house left this message on her answering machme: "Trouble trouble , tro uble Help O ur fathe r

CLAUDIA'S CAFE

One East Pleasant St. Amherst s Happiest

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used to rape u s. Lotsa other people did , too We've lied to yo u Sometimes we use drugs or drink a lot. We want to die . You must h ate u s. You must hate us , too ." And then the caller hung up

Ab out 15 minutes later, Margaret called m e at home She said, "Steven, do you know yo u just called me ?"

"No, I couldn 't have just called yol}. I wasn 't even here until just now" · "Where were yo u, Steven? " she asked I thought about it. I thought about it very hard , because I liked and respected Margaret very much, and I didn't want to lie to her

"I don't know, Margaret," I said "I think I do," she said . And that was the mo st amazing and hopeful comment anyone had ever made to me; someone believed she knew where I was. Maybe if she knew where I was , she could help me find me again , too.

"Whats happening to me, Margaret? " I asked "Whats wrong with me?"

"There:S nothing wrong with you," Margaret answered "You've just been hurt, in ways that would injure anyone ." "What happened? "

A long silence on the phone. "You were raped ."

So my true therapy began It was very difficult , at first, to accept myself as a man with Multiple Personality Disorder, because initially I thought the diagnosis meant that I was thoroughly insane My first response was to get suicidal, and there were many attempts

But survivors are strong. We are not known as survivors for nothing , after all. second thing in therapy that struck me was how long I'd felt so completely isolated. Margaret kept ass uring me that there were "lots of men like you," who had been sexually abused as children. I kept asking her who those other men were, and how I could find them. I needed , desperately, to find them

But she didn't have an answer to that question So I set out on a search for the other men on my own .

At the end of my search I wound up at the Mens Resource Center, initially as a vGlunteer Why was I at the MRC? &cause the supports I needed did not exist, and in order to keep my ass alive I needed to help create those supports . But even the MRC did not have any programs for male survivors at that time . So Sam Ferniano, Steven Botkin, and I set out on an. amazing journey : to create a support group for men like · me It was hard , emotionally ehallenging work, but the three of us got it done

Although it was entirely selfish on my pan, there was an additional factor : I figured if I needed to meet other male survivors , those other men might need and want it, too

I've been at the MRC for nearly three

years, and theres not a day that goes by now that I don't hear from at leas t half a dozen other m ale survivors I also hear from femal e survivors, other multiples of each ge nder, trans -G's, trans- S's, b atterers, o ther vic tims of domes ti c assault of b o th genders and all orientations, gays, bis , lesbian s, blacks , whites , Latinos , and on and on. I hear from them becau se I need to listen and learn, an d they need-we need-! n ee d-to ch ange the world

&cause as long as the mean streets and the killing h omes of our culture can break every b on e in your b o dy, the wo rld is sa fe for no one True, wh en our bones get broken the proper pla ce to be is in a hospital, so we can men d and heal. But I d on't wish or choose to live m y life inside a hospital. I want to walk the streets, have picnics in the park , and go home feeling happy, not frightened and endangered Someday I hop e I'll meet someone whom I love, wh o loves me too, and we can sh are our lives and loves and hopes and fears with each o ther, within the couched embrace of safety and r espect. My de ep est hope is that we can build a loving, he althy home together And I hope I n ever , ever n ee d to go to a hos pital aga in So to avoid the h os pital I have to ch ange the s treets To me it is nothing less than a n ecessity of life-in order to h ea l and stay healed , I mus t help change th e world with every drop of m y strength and ability. Sometimes my strength is very meager, but I · never refuse to li sten to another survivor, regardless of my personal circumstances. Some times the best I can do is simp ly listen to anothers comments and questions and say, "Let m e think abo ut it, and I'll call you back tomorrow." But lots o f times I can do much be tter th an that.

When I facilitated the first Male Survivors' Peer Group in 1997, there was no one else immediately availab le to cofacilitate with m e. Then Bob Mazer o f the Synthesis Center became a co- facilitator (and one of my dearest friends) For over two years it has been Bob and me, every Friday night.

Today, five men, brave survivors of ab us e and trauma, h ave been training with us and others over the last six months to become facilitators of Male Survivors' Groups themselves They seek to help themselves and offer support to ot hers . And they will all succeed , b eca u se they're ready to leave the hospital. We all prefer to sto p the breaking of bones , the destruction of h earts. We all choose to go on beautiful, lovely walks with one another We w ant the sun to smile o n everyone , the win d to kiss our faces. We choose love over hatred, knowledge over fear. We choose hugs over hits, tru th over terror.

We're going h ome . And we're ready to change the world And we'll win, too

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

individuals . Men and women who are in long-term heterosexual marriages "suddenly" come ou t as gay or bisexual. Women and men challenge and sometimes reverse long-held role s in work and the home , manifestations of cognit ive skill and emotional range, expression of sexual energies , and other assumed "givens ." At the same time , optim istic visions about the disappearance of gender differences are giving way to an understanding of how fundamental some o f t hose differences seem to be. The human character is clearly not the blank slate that some would hope. ln her landmark book You just Don't Understand, sociolinguist Debra Tannen was startled t o see in pre-schoolers many of the gender differences in conversation patterns that, she showed, can be so problematic between men and women . (She made no claim, however, that these differences are biological in origin ) Many people who identify as gay fe e l deeply that their sexual orientation is so essennal to their being that it must be of biological origin , pointing to preliminary evidence of a possible genetic basis for homosexuahty. Stories are necessary and helpful for navigating the human world They help us

sort out what we know from what we don 't know, give us a sense of direction and purpose , guide us toward goals and give us ways to assess how we 're functioning in this huge crazy quilt that we call life But we need to remind ourselves that they are stories, that they attempt to represent reality, not take the place of it. When we think that the stories are the same as reality, when we cling to our stories no matter what we turn into stone or, worse , we turn into stone. Gender is real, and gender is imaginary. Differences are deepseated, and they are ep h emeral. We are all basically the same, and we are all incredibly different from one another Myth not only teaches us about difference , it teaches us about universality. It teaches that whatever we think is simple is complex , and that whatever we think is impossibly complex has an underlying simplicity.

Most of all , learning about myths and stories helps us understand that they are everywhere and that we can choosesometimes with great effort-to change our stories. Perhaps we may then be able to enlarge our world, break down barriers and , above all , become more compassionate and accepting toward ourselves and others

Michael Dover is a volunteer and MRC board chair.

National Organiz ation for Men Against Sexism

NO MAS

Pro-Feminist- Gay Affirmative -Anti-Racist Enhancing Men's Lives

The 24th National Conference on Men & Masculinity in Pasadena, California July8-ll, 1999

and 'lmaaes

The M&M conference is an occasion for straight and gay/lesbianlbi/trans women and men, activists , academics , practitioners and anyone else to gather, to learn, and to cross-pollinate toward ending the many forms of oppression Three pre-conference i nstitutes will run from 9 am to 5 pm on Thursday: Men Who Batter, White Racial Awareness, and the proFeminist Men's Studies Association. The M&M conference itself will begin Thursday evening at 7 pm A total of more than forty Pro-Feminist, Gay-Affirmative, and Anti-Racist workshops which enhance men's lives will take place over those four days Workshops are still being accepted! Come add to us !

Register by mail or at www.nomas.org

THURSDAY DAY INSTITUTES (Thursday 8 am-5 pm) :

I) White Racial Awareness Process

$45 stand alone, $30 for M&M attendees

2) Men Who Batter & Community Commitment to End Domestic Violence

$80 s tand alone , $50 student , $45 for M&M attendees

3) Academic pro-feminist Men's Studies Association

$55 stand alone , $45 for M&M attendees CONFERENCE REGISTRATION INFORMATION: Full Conference (Thursday 7 pm through Sunday I pm)

$125 registration prior to June 8; $200 thereafter $25 High School students (full conference only)

Single Day Attendance: $75

HOUSING arrangements range from $40 a night motels/motor to $150 a night hotels

(Doub letree , Hilton style)

(accommodaUons are walki ng distance or shuttle to site)

Be sure to include your name, mailing address , a contact (day) phone , and your email (if you have one) Make checks payable to M&M 24 and mail to Allen Corben, FTS Box 128, Pasadena, CA 91 I 82 Call (626)796-4083 for any questions

continued from page 16

On Your Healing Journey

Bring a Therapist

consequently, it is u se ful to have someon e who understands this process. Most often, that will be a man who h as worked through his own identity issue s and u nde rs tands the pitfalls and ad vant ages of maleh ood an d is comfortable with b eing a man. Men too often seek out women for their healing becau se they feel emotionally safer with women.

Comfortable as that may see m , it may not always be the bes t route to fo llow. On the other hand , if your p erp etr ator was a man, the closeness of the therap eu tic rela tions h ip could b e scary It m ight also be an important part of your h ealing.

The beginning of a h ea ling jou rn ey, li ke other journeys , is always an exciting and fearful time. It is only in beginni n g, however, that we can hope to arrive.

Sam Femian o, Th D. ,Ed.D , is a psychotherapist in private practice in No rth ampton.

MRC PRESS

and at

THANK YOU

In-Kind Donations

Th e Men's Res ource Ce nte r is truly a community o rganization . We have grown to where we are now becaus e hundreds o f p eople have s h are d our in s pir ati on and co mmitment, and contribute d thei r time, services , and money toward a vision o f p er son al and soc ial transfo rma tion . As our program s and se rvi ces continu e to grow in size and scope , w e see tha t th e size an d s cop e of our co mmunity supp ort als o expand We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring o f yo ur su pp o rt . We h op e the fo llowing acknowled gme nts give everyone mvo lved a se n se o f being part of a growin g community o f support

O ffice an d Rec e p tio n Volunteers

Ho lli Chmela, Kate Dixon , J erry Garofalo , Faith Ka res, Bok Oh , Maurice Pos ad a , Gabriela Sa ralyn , Tom Schuyt , Gary St one

MOVE Interns

Re b ecca, Pe terfre und , Mar k Ribble , Davi d Sc hlafman

Supp o r t Group Facili t ators

Pau l Abb o tt , Bruc e Bo ko r, Michael Burke , Douglas DaRi f, Mich ael Dover, Philip Fitz, Jerry Garofalo , Jam es Gord on. Tim Gordon , Michael Greenebau m , Ken Howard , Ste ven jacobsen , Walter Lesure , Gabor Luka cs , Ale x MacPhai l, Rick Martin , Bo b Mazer , Na than McCas kill , J im Na p olit an, Sheldon Sn o dgrass

Mentor/Advocates for Respect &: Safety (MARS) Volunteers

Va fa Ansa rifar, La il a Bers tein , Elena Bo tkinLevy, Holli Ch me la , Me re di th Dim ola , Ali Feely. Fai th Kares , Marisol Lop ez , Be th an y Smyers. Steven Th eberge Dominick Ushe r

Springfi el d Steeri ng C o mm i ttee

Tom Di gby Kevm Maxwell , J ame s Mora tto Da n Willi ams on

Donated Space

Hamp s hire Community Action Commission, Northampton ; Old Firs t Church , Springfield ; O p en Pantry, Springfield

Peter Acker, Cowls Building Supply, Ro d Gizick , Henion Bakery, Thorn H erman , Erik Muten , U. S. Dep artment o f Agri culture, Valley Bicycles

Recent Grants

Amherst Ro tary Club , Community Foundation of We s tern Ma ssa chusetts, Irene E. and George A. Davis Foundation , Mas s achu setts Department o f Public He alth , Women 's Fund of Western Massachu setts

Finally, we want to ex pres s our gratitude to th e MRC Board of Directors for th e ongoing guidance and supp ort th ey giv e to th is organization and all wh o are a part of it

continued from page 14

The Sword and the Shield

courageous young-girl heroine (and, I confess, some violence, both by and against the caricature-evil "Huns ") Initially I was bothered more by the dresses than by the swords (which probably shows just what an unreconstructed Neanderthal I am at heart), but I'm over it now. I've seen other boys with similar cross-dressing habits, and I know there 's no harm in it. The sword stuff feels more familiar to me, like a comfortable old baseball glove , yet in light of what I know about boys and men and violence , it makes me uneasy.

I don't want to be a censor or a killjoy to either of my kids But in light of Littleton, in light of Kosovo , I've had to think harder about what I want my kids to learn. Emma has asked about Yugoslavia, about Vietnam, about both world wars and the Civil War. Teachers have talked about Littleton at her school. When she asks, I tell her what I know. She's against violence, and doesn't understand why people are being bombed and driven out of their homes. Isaac remains oblivious as yet, happy to wave his Tinkertoy saber in the air and continue being Peter Pan, the boy who never grows up.

Yet he is growing up ; and already I feel the impulse to intervene in his play and his video viewing, to try to find the "teachable moment" that will show him that violence is real, and has real-and terrible-effects; that when someone is killed, you can 't just rewind the cassette and see them in action again I want him to learn that there are ways of solving problems and mediating disputes without resorting to violence; that wordscommunication between people-can help. The catastrophe of Kosovo, perpetrated by adults, undercuts this effort . The slaughter in Littleton, perpetrated by two teenage boys, gives parents and teachers everywhere cause for grave concern. But we can't just be concerned, and we must not lose hope; we have to do something. We have to talk to our children, we have to teach, and we must lead by our example. In this way only .can we hope to shield them from violence, to make sure that they are neither perpetrators nor victims

Michael Burke is Voice Male's managing editor; and a freelance editor and writer.

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES

SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS

· Open Men 's Group - 7- 9 p.m Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office , Tuesday evenings 7-9 p m. at 218 State St. , Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other

· Survivors of Childhood Abus e - 7- 8 :30p .m. Friday evenings at the MRC. Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse

· Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning 7-9 p.m Monday even ings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation

FATHERING PROGRAMS

A variety of resources are available - lawyer referrals , parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP)

· Mentor Advocates for Respect and Safety (MARS): In collaboration with the Everywoman's Center, we train college and high school males to be mentors to junior high males with a particular focus on sexual assault prevention education .

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)

MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and co urt-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive . Fee subsidies available.

· Basic Groups : Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst , Ware, and Springfield .

· Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton , Amherst and Belchertown.

· Partner Services: Free phone support , resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available fo r parmers of men in the MOVE program .

· Prison Groups : A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections .

· Teen Groups: A 10 week MOVE group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others.

· Community Education and Training : Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in ba tte rer intervention are available. · Speakers ' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who

want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING,

Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men 's Community;" and "Challenging Homophobia, " among other topics . Specific trainings and consultation available.

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJECT

A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experi ences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors , which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES

Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members

VOICE MALE

Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles , essays , reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

Men 's Resources

AIDS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Tran sportati on , suppo rt groups and much more free of ch arge t o people living wit h HIV

The American Canc er Soc i ety (413) 734-6000 Pro stat e support groups , pati en t support groups , nutritional supplements , dressings and su ppl ies , literature , lowcost housing , and tran sportati on Chil dren's Ai d an d Fam il y Service (413 ) 584- 5690 Spec ial needs adop t ion services Counsel ing for individuals , families and child ren, with a play therapy room for working wi th children. Parent aid program for parents ex pe ri encing stress .

In terfaith Comm unity Cot Shelter 582 -9505 (days) or 586-6 750 (evenings ) Ove rn ight shelte r for ho meless in dividuals123 Ha wle y St. , Northampton Doors open at 6 PM

RESOURCES

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016

GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling & Therapy

Referral Service (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street , Northampton , MA 01060. Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons . The Gay & Bisexual Men 's Program (802) 254- 4444 Brattleboro , VT

Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops , and volunteer opportunities . Contact Carey Johnson

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, Cambridge , Mass

Information and support for gay and bisexual men suffering from relationship violence. Phone (617) 497-7317 , email : GMDVP@JUNO COM

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society)

- GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. For more in formation , call (413) 774 -7028

Lite Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Individual , couples and group counseling for all gay, lesbian , bisexual and transgendered people . Website, www.valinet.com/- lifecour, Email : integsol@valinet.com

Men's Divorce/Separation Counseling (413) 253-7918 Contact: Rob Okun

Men's Drop-In Group

First and third Tuesday 7-8 :30 pm , Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926

Men Against Violence

First and third Tuesday 5-6 pm , Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926

Men's Therapy Group (413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW Men in Relationships Group (413) 586-4802 Peter Corbett, LICSW For heterosexual men in committed relat ionships

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England. The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 University of Mass ., Amherst. A lesbian , bisexual , gay &transgender educational resource center

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 PO Box 181 , Northampton , MA 01061-0181 Western Massachusetts' gay social and service organization

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support , prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities . TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues

Education and support services for adoptees , adoptive parents , professionals , etc Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month Ann Henry - (413) 584-6599

Toughlove is a self -help program for parents troubled by their children 's behavior Parent-led support groups combine philosophy and action that can help change behavior and support the family. New group forming in Amherst. Contact Robin MacRostie at (413) 549-6403, email : srmacrostie@yahoo .com. To contact local groups elsewhere , call (800) 333-1069

Valuable Families

Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports , cherishes and respects our lesbian , gay and bisexual families of origin and of choice PO Box 60634 , Florence , MA 01062; Valfams @crocker.com

Pride Zone-GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports , Hadley for socializing, discussions , and games (413) 586-0633.

Ou t Now ! - GLBT Youth Group of Gr eater

Spri ngfie ld

Fo r conf identi al information about weekly meet ing s call (413 ) 739- 434 2

I nternet Resources

Men 's Resou rce Center of Western Massach usetts : www mrc-wma com

Nat ion al Men's Resource Center

Nati onal calend ar of event s, di rec t ory of men 's servi ces and a li st in g of books for pos iti ve change in men 's role s and relati onships www .m enst uff.or g

The Men 's Iss ues Page: www.vix .com/pub/men/index htm l 100 Bl ack Me n, Inc.: www .100b m. org

Pro -femi nist men 's groups li sting : www.femini st.com / pro .htm

Pro -fem inist mailing li st: http://c oombs anu.edu.au/- gorkin/profem.html

Fathers

At Home Dad : www parentspl ace com /readroom/athomed ad

The Fathers Re sou rce Cent er: www.slowlane .com/ frc

National Fath er hoo d In itiative : www.cyfc um n edu/Fath ern et The Fatherhood Pro je ct: www.fathe rhoo dp roj ect. org

Ma gazines

Achll es Hee l (f rom Great Br ita in) : www.stejonda demon. co uk/achilles/i ssues.html

XY:me n, sex po lit ics (f ro m Aust ralia ): http ://c oombs anu edu au/ - gorki n/XY/Xylntro.htm

Ending Men 's Violence Real Men : www.cs utk.edu/-ba rtl ey/other/reaiMen.html

The Men 's Rape Pre ventio n Pro ject: www .mrpp .org/intro.ht ml Quitting Porn ograp hy, Men Spe ak Out: www.geocit i es.com/Ca pi taiHill/1139/quitporn.html

Volunteers N ee ded

AIDS CARE/ Hampsh i re Co un ty (413) 586 -82898 Help make life eas ier and friendl ier for ou r neigh bors affected by HI V or AIDS Men are espec ially nee ded

RESOURCES

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts. Men 's Re,source Center (413) 25 3-9887 Variety of needs for volunteers at the MAC office

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project , Cambridge, Mass.

Seeking volunteers for the nation's first safe home network serving gay and bisexual men and transgendered people In need of safe home providers and other volunteers

Extensive training and stipend provided . Phone Mark Green at (617) 497-7317 , email GMDVP@JU.NO.CClM

jun e ! 9-20

Creating Peaceful Relationships in a Dominator Culture

Led by Bill Moyer of the Social Movement Empowerment Project. At Mt. Toby Friends Meeting, Leverett , Mass . Saturday. 9 :30-6 :30 an d Sunday, 1 :00-6 :00. For more information, call (413) 628-4695 or (413) 773-7427. (See news story.)

june 20

Dads .Make a Difference: A Celebration of Fathering and Families

Boston Common, noon-5:00PM Sponsoring by The For Fathering Project. For more informa tion , call (617) 451-0049 , Ext. 811.

jun e 20-25

Men's Wisdom Council

Rowe Conference Cente r. Rowe, Mass. (413) 33 9 -49 54 .

june 25-2 7

Y2K: A Blessing in Disguise Weekend workshop with Gordon Davidson

As an Aries industrialist gearhead , I have lived Life i n the Fiery Lane.

" Noth ing in moderation, all or nothing, and why isn 't it done right now! "

CALENDAR

& Corrine McLaughlin

Rowe Conference Center, Rowe, Mass. ( 413) 339-4954 .

july 8

Tough Guise: Men's Images in the Media Special film screening and discussion , 7-8030 at the MRC.

August 2-'-4

Youth Violence: Creating Alternatives Coalition 1999 Conference Sponsored by Northwestern District Attorney Elizabeth Scheibel. Location to be announced For rriore information , contact the D A.'s office at (413) 586-9225, Ext. 103.

August 7-8

Eighth Annual Conference, International Coalition Against Sexual Harassment: Creating Change : Sexual Ha rassment Research , Training, and Advocacy for the 21st Century Chicago , Ill. Papers, workshops, panels , and dis cussion groups on all aspects of sexual harassment .

I have a deep belief that everyone should build beliefs and truths that are truly their own. Unfortunately we are thrust onto this plane to flounder around on our own, looking for answers to our many questions about truths and beliefs that will s upport and comfort us through this journey

I have a love of helping others find the tools to build their own beliefs and truths.

For most of our lives, we work for things that we cannot take with us . I have a love of helping others find the tools to build their own beliefs and truths through Intuitive Counseling and Dreamwork , so they can work on the things that we can take with us

For further information and registration material contact james Gruber Qegruber@umd umich.edu), 313-593-5611 , University of Michigan-Dearborn, or Susan Fineran (sfineran@bu edu) 617-353-7912, Boston University

October 1-3

God, Sex, and Money

An experiential weekend conference for men with John Lee , Jeffrey Duvall , and Joe Laur, Sirius Community Conference Center, Shutesbury, Mass. $300, including meals. For more information , contact Stephen Stern (phone 508-376-9544 , email : Sstern@aol.com) or Jedd Miller (phone 413549-5585, emai!JeddMiller@aol.com). (See news story.)

Send calendar listings for the Fall1999 issue to Voice Male Ca lendar, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street , Amherst, MA 01002 Deadline for listings is August 16.

I am available for Intuitive Counseling and Dreamwork

Cody Sisson Northfield, MA (413) 498-5950

Email: cody@dragon-heart.com

I ho st a web site designed to encourage individuals to seek out a higher level of awareness of their true inner emotional selves This encouragement comes in the form of cultivating their free form of artistic expression by providing a forum to publish their form of artwork to share with the world. Please feel free to visit us @

Men as Known and 5 rm Donors Anonymous pe

Geoff Lobenstine

available through the Mens Resource Center 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst 243-9887 for $8.00 plus $2.00 S & H

way So, whether at home , at schools, at work. or at a health club, consider: holding informal discussions; having a book group session on a male health topic ; inviting speakers to talk on hot topics (anything from AIDS to baldness, from infertility to sports safety; from sunscreen use to smoking cessation); asking community agencies to provide free health screenings ; or sponsoring formal investigation/study of a particular local male health concern. National Mens Health Week also offers a bridge to related mens issues such as parenting or violence, and has the potential to become a multifaceted community event.

Male health is a family issue, and a community issue It is also a topic with which we can celebrate the male body So while we focus on the public health agenda of risk factors , illness, and injury, let us not neglect to affirm the beauty and capability of the male form . A healthy man, after all, is more than a body without disease . He is a man who appreciates, cares for , and enjoys his physical self.

Joe Zaske is Voice Male health columnist.

LOVE MAKES A FAMILY

" Th is is a beautifu l, beautiful book and exhibit Many of the photos brought tears to my eyes. T o look into the faces of these families is to see courage strength, joy, commitment and most of all love ."

-Les lea N ewm an author, Heather Has Two Mommies

PAPERBACK $19.95, CLOTH $40 00 AT BOOKSTORES OR DIRECT FROM : University of Massachusetts Press P.O. Box 429, Amherst MA 01004 MasterCard NISA (413)545-2219 www.umass.edu/umpress